#And if that standard applies to everything else then it must also apply to myself

[causticcorvus]

So, I do tend to overthink things, and one of the reasons for that right now is me cornering myself into a self-realized 'can't have my cake and eat it too' scenario. If I fundamentally believe one thing to be true, it makes it hard to justify the other thing (but I still want to do it anyway). I definitely said it before, but I fundamentally believe that the Alice we see for most of the series is not a complete person. The show makes it clear enough that Masquerade is a part of her, so the Alice we see has had a significant part of her split away into another side that she cannot connect with for most of the series. Imagine if someone quite literally stole all of your drive, confidence, self-belief, and left you with only your most passive traits? It makes sense she couldn't stand on her own two feet until she got those pieces of herself back. Now, I only bring that up because, how the hell do I reconcile that belief with my one AU-verse? Me having no self control when it comes to writing Masquerade as too much of his own character rather than an extension of Alice herself lead me to creating my Gemini AU verse, and well.. I do really enjoy doing it, but how do I begin to justify it. To split the two of them into their own beings would fundamentally make them both incomplete people again. With Masquerade I want that to be the point, and a point of struggle for him. But Alice? Can I even justify doing that to her again? The thing is, I don't write her like she's any lesser for it- I treat her as being much more 'complete', as if the split was uneven, but I still don't envision her as being the same character as if she still had Masquerade's darkness. My idea of a 'complete' integration of Alice+Masquerade is miles from canon Alice, and Masquerade's darkness being her own is the only reason she has the Darkus element in my mind. However, I do find it more likely that she never did fully reconcile every part of him back into herself, as is more or less what tends to really happen. I like the idea that 'Masquerade' had always been there, as the parts of herself she repressed in order to be the 'good, polite, well-behaved and disciplined' young lady she was expected to be, but the feelings of rebellion, resentment, and desire, among other truths about herself she denied, were an easy target to twist and corrupt, burgeon into their own being. Increasingly long, rambly divagation aside, what I mean to ask is, can you split them apart again and still have Alice retain her character growth? Can you split them in a way that doesn't take away her strength and agency? There are clearly some parts of herself- of him- that she wouldn't miss, that she tried to deny, but there are other parts he took so wholly from her last time that rendered her unable. I am reminded of something from, again, of all things, Kingdom Hearts. As much as I hated how much of a rug-pull the 'nobodies had hearts all along' thing really was, it does raise a good question- can a fractured soul, a fractured person, grow to become whole? I think the answer would be, over time, that yes, they could. And that angle is one I really wanted to explore with this fragmented version of Masquerade, but I think it's also an excuse I can use to preserve Alice's regained confidence and agency at the series' end. Alice may have become divided again, but she remembers everything she's been through, and she has something Masquerade does not, something he can't take from her- true bravery, true strength; the will to fight, not for herself, but for those who matter to her.

[emmkitt]

stop calling mephone4 a child.

my credentials(/silly): mephone4’s biggest fan + someone who sees mephone as representative of myself. i am also an autistic adult. (relevant)

i went on an autistic tirade rambling about this in a discord server but i wanted to compile my reasoning and stuff here into a tumblr post because this is very important to me.

alright. lets start with the most commonly used argument.

calling mephone a child is ableist.

now i certainly agree that some children CAN act the way mephone does. however, i think it’s harmful when your ONLY argument as to why he is a child is ‘because he cant spell’ or ‘because he creates fantasy worlds in his brain as a means of escapism.’

I think the issue is, we are reducing these very real symptoms of mental disorders to ‘oh he’s just acting childish,’ instead of understanding them for what they are. autism and dyslexia are not cured the second you turn 18. it doesn’t work that way. giving in to the stereotype that only children can act this way… i dunno man. it really rubs me the wrong way.

i think it’d be better to view him as an adult with these symptoms because, well, VERY rarely do we ever get representation of an adult with mental disorders in media. at least not in a way that’s not villainizing them or mocking/infantilizing them. (sidebar, mephone IS NOT THE VILLAIN. he did bad things, yes, and should be held accountable for it, but he is NOT. THE VILLAIN. he is an abuse victim, and his way of acting is actually very good representation of the way abuse victims may go on to mimic actions of their abuser.) cobs (mephone’s abuser btw) LITERALLY infantilizes mephone IN CANON. IN THE SHOW. WHY ARE YOU LISTENING TO COBS. WHY ARE YOU ACTING LIKE COBS.

bro didnt go to school

i didnt know how to title this section. basically, people reducing him to a child because he doesn’t know adult things are MISSING THE POINT.

HE WAS RAISED BY COBS.

do you think cobs had ANY interest in teaching him ANYTHING about the real world? about how to be an adult? about how to ride a bike or pay taxes? NO. dude popped into existence knowing nothing except what Cobs WANTED him to know. he was meant to just work for Cobs and do tasks all the time and that was IT. OF COURSE his knowledge is going to be limited to what Cobs taught him. that DOES NOT make someone a child. GO REWATCH THE SHOWWWW.

suspend your disbelief for once in your life oh my god

i dont understand how people are able to suspend disbelief for LITERALLY EVERYTHING ELSE in fiction. such as murder/death, supernatural creatures, the universe itself as a whole, etc. but when it comes to age, the real world standards MUST be applied, no exception. Like since Mephone was canonically created 14 years ago in-universe that means he is 14 years old. we are completely ignoring the fact he is a fictional talking sentient phone robot for a minute.

and adding in the ‘he acts like a child’ argument for a second… season 1. what 1 year old do you know that can walk and talk and create an entire game show?? he has practically acted the EXACT SAME WAY his entire existence, therefore that argument falls completely flat.

it would be DIFFERENT if in-universe they had established rules, where this age means this and that age means that, but the ii universe DOES NOT HAVE THAT. meaning people are free to interpret age however they want. it would ALSO be different if mephone was canonically stated to be a child (we’re getting to that) OR portrayed to be childcoded. which…. he isn’t.

okay so by these rules all of the contestants are younger than mephone.

the agreement amongst child mephone believers seems to be ‘creation date = birth date = real age’. so bot is like 3 years old. the unvitationals are like 2. all the contestants are somewhere between like 4-14. but wait- some season 1 contestants ACT older or younger than the others? no. no theyre ALL 13-14 only. no exceptions. every newbie in season 3 is like 4-5. every newbie in season 2 is like 10. makes perfect sense.

do you understand how ridiculous that is. WE CANNOT , i repeat, CANNOT APPLY REAL WORLD STANDARDS TO A FICTIONAL UNIVERSE. oh my god. they are holograms. they are robots. they are in a weird plane floating in the vastness of space that has a picnic table that can generate food, and the ability to revive dead people, and ghosts and talking corn and. and all of THAT is fine. but god forbid someone interpret the talking phone as an adult. I DONT GET IT.

b-b-but cobs called mephone a child…

once again, common arguement. i strike thee down with a ‘MANIPULATION TACTIC.’ i feel like this has been covered enough and better in other mephone rambles so im not gonna get into it.

personal section

this is more of a personal experiences and opinions thing. less based on fact. agree or disagree idc this is just my experience.

once again, like i stated in the beginning, i see myself in mephone. a lot. I am an adult. i have autism. i have the tendency to act ‘childish’ sometimes due to my condition. im bad at being an adult. i struggle with tasks that are probably easy for other adults. i’m not a child. it’s very disheartening- i WANT to be viewed as an independent functioning adult, despite my condition, but when even a FICTIONAL PHONE who acts just like i do gets reduced to ‘child’ because he acts similarly to someone who’s mentally ill and has been abused. it HURTS MAN. he’s just trying his best:[

anyways conclusion

idc. you can headcanon whatever you want cause technically nothing is confirmed, but this is more food for thought for the people immediately jumping on the ‘child mephone’ bandwagon.

unless someone is canonically stated to be a child or is very heavily child coded, i don’t think its wrong for people to interpret them as an adult.

if sometime in the future mephone is canonically confirmed to be a child like. in universe. ill probably be disappointed.

i am a firm believer in age doesnt work the same way in ii as it does in our universe. theyre all fictional creatures. they were not created by conventional means. you dont have to apply our world’s standards to it.

anyways uhh. ramble over lol

[howlingday]

Belladina Interviews

Oobleck: Right! Well then, why don't we start with a few questions for the parents?

Blake: (Thinking) Bartholomew Oobleck. Forty-seven years old. He has a doctorate in history as Beacon's history teacher and is housemaster of dormitory 7, Amber Hall. Regarded as intelligent, reliable, and open-minded. He's well-liked by his students, but is also known for speaking at a swift pace. The safest path to win his favor is with honest and straightforward answers.

Oobleck: I understand that this is your second wife. How did you meet your husband?

Blake: Straight to the point. It makes sense, since Beacon Academy is focused on family values.

Blake: My husband and I met by chance at the neighborhood tailor's shop. The same one where Beacon uniforms are made, in fact. It was the way he carried himself which first caught my eye. It was like he appeared out of nowhere. After the death of my first husband and being so busy caring for my daughter, I was hesitant to pursue a new relationship. But the more we talked, the more I realized I'd found a kindred spirit in him. I was touched by his kindness and how much he valued family. I knew he would be a wonderful father to my daughter.

Jaune: (Blushing)

Oobleck: I see. Same question, Mr. Belladina.

Jaune: Oh... Well... Blake is such a wonderful woman. And she's so good with children. She understood how difficult it was for me to be all by myself, and she welcomed me into her family.

Oobleck: Excellent to hear. Family is very important to us at Beacon.

Jacques: I see you're a man who must have low standards, Mr. Arc. Why else would you saddle yourself to a woman with a child? And a woman like her no less?

Goodwitch: Behave yourself, Master Schnee.

Blake: Jacques Schnee. Fourty-nine years old. A legacy hire, as his father-in-law was the headmaster, he is the business and economics professor and housemaster of dormitory two, Azure Hall. Greedy. Callous. His wife filed for divorce last month. His wife just won full custody of her children. In all of his previous interviews, his questions focused on directly disparaging the families of applicants. It's best to avoid provoking him.

Oobleck: On to the next question. May we ask why you have decided to apply for Beacon Academy?

Blake: For one reason, sir...

Blake: To get close enough to my target, Charlotte Malachite!.

Blake: The quality of the teaching staff at Beacon Academy is second to none. The instructors are cultured, knowledgeable, and talented. More importantly, I believe only the elite faculty of Beacon Academy can instill in our child the nobility and patriotism needed to stand amongst our country's elite.

Goodwitch: (Thinking) A most disciplined reply, Blake Belladina. I knew I saw something in you.

Glynda Goodwitch. ??? years old. Fitness Professor and housemistress of dormitory three, Lavender Hall. Personality: Elegant.

Oobleck: We would like to hear about Penny from the perspective of her parents. What would you consider to be her strengths and weaknesses?

Blake: Penny holds a deep and passionate curiosity. She is willing and eager to poke her nose into everything, sometimes to an extent that it could be considered as much of a strength as it is a weakness. And perhaps this is just a mother's bias, but I find her to be wise beyond her years.

Goodwitch: Wise? This girl here? Didn't she only earn thirty-one points on her entrance exam?

Penny: (Flinches)

Blake: In fact, she's so intuitive, I swear she can read my mind! Ha ha!

Penny: (Shivers)

Blake: But for a solid answer for weaknesses, I do wish she was less picky about her food.

Oobleck: Hm. And what do you see in her, Mr. Belladina, and how would you describe your parenting style towards her?

Jaune: Well, as we've already discussed, I am not her birth father. So I will admit that, at first, I may have spoiled her in my attempts to win her over. I had to learn how to be strict sometimes, for the sake of her future. I work hard to remember that.

Jaune: (Thinking) Just like we practiced.

Oobleck: Mrs. Belladina mentioned that your daughter can be picky. What sort of meals do you cook at home?

Jaune: M-Meals?! Oh, uh, I, uh... W-Well...

Blake: Actually, sir, I do most of the cooking. However, my husband is more than happy to help when I'm too busy.

Blake: Not that it's ever happened.

Jacques: You're kidding me. A husband who can't even cook? You need to work harder to be a better example for your daughter, sir!

Jaune: !!!

Blake: No one is perfect, sir. While my husband may not be the primary chef, he is incredibly neat and organized. The house is always spotless. And he is a most wonderful example for our daughter.

Jacques: That may be, but a man who can't even cook is hardly a good example for a child.

Blake: And who are you to-

Jaune: B-Blake, it's okay! He's right!

Blake: (Clenching her fist) He's right. Calm yourself, Nightshade. Why are you even upset? It's not like he's really your husband.

Jacques: (Thinking) Just a pair of lovebirds, eh? I could just puke. Well, I'll just keep pecking at those cracks and see what comes pouring out. If these smug plebians don't get rejected, then there is no justice in the world.

Penny: (Thinking) This man hates Mama and Papa! I need to do real good, or else...

Oobleck: Well, I think it's time we heard from your daughter.

Penny: Here we go...

Oobleck: Can you tell us who you are and where you live?

Penny: M-My name is Penny Pellapina. And I live in Vale... North. At 42 Space... Something. Mister sir!

Oobleck: And what do you like to do when you're not in school?

Blake: She knows this. These are all the questions we...

Penny: I like to watch at restaurants and eat the opera.

Blake: Huh?.

Oobleck: And what sorts of things do you want to accomplish while attending Beacon Academy?

Penny: Uh... Um...

Penny: What was the answer?.

Blake: Well, I know what I want to do while at Beacon Academy. Get close to Charlotte at a school event and expose the plans of the organization she leads. Then stop her before-

Penny: I want... to expose the secrets... of the boss... of the or-gun-eye-zay-shun.

Blake: WHAT DID SHE JUST SAY?!. The answer was to read all the books in the library!.

Penny: Oh, and library books.

Oobleck: "Boss of the organization"? Do you mean the headmaster?

Blake: Ah ha ha ha! Oh, excuse my daughter! She's very ambitious! She's so curious about the lives of the people who have achieved leadership positions.

Goodwitch: Hmmm... Seeking to learn from those at the top at such a young age... There is a degree of elegance to that.

Goodwitch: If that is true, then you mist know the name of our headmaster, young lady?

Penny: Um... It's, uh...

Blake: You know this! It's Headmaster Ozpin!.

Penny: Head pasture... All in. Mister sir.

Goodwitch: Eh... Close enough.

Goodwitch: And do you understand how hard one must work to succed as he has?

Penny: ...

Penny: Yeah! You gotta run through the jungle to get strong! And face life-or-death stuff over and over to get brave!

Blake: That was the training montage in yesterday's spy cartoon...

Goodwitch: Such incredible resolve! Perhaps I have underestimated this child.

Oobleck: Haha! Perhaps you needn't go that far. Now, I have questions for you about your parents. What does your mother do for a living?

Penny: She's a spy.

Blake: !

Penny: Spy... Spycial social work.

Oobleck: Are you alright, dear? You sound a bit congested. What about your father? What is he like?

Penny: He can be a little scary sometimes, but he's really nice!

Jaune: !

Oobleck: If you had to give your mother and father a score, what would it be?

Penny: 100 points! They're perfect and I love them. I want to be with them forever!

Jacques: Garbage like this is the last thing we need at Beacon.

Jacques: So, who do you like better? Your old daddy or your new daddy?

Oobleck: Master Schnee, that question isn't-

Jacques: Who cares? Are we who ask the questions not permitted to improvise and think outside the box?

Blake: May I request a different question?

Blake: I don't know how she ended up in that orphanage, but there's too good a chance her parents are...

Jacques: No. Answer the question or be scored accordingly.

Plip... Plip...

Penny: (Crying) D... D...

Blake: Penny...

Penny: (Sniffles, Wipes eyes) Daddy...

Jacques: Well, there you have it. She likes her real daddy more.

Jaune: (Comforting Penny) How dare you?!

Blake: Calm down, Jaune.

Jaune: But this is...

Blake: For the mission, we can endure this. We have to endure this.

Jacques: The dorms are full of children living away from their parents. This is no place for children who burst into tears over every little thing.

Blake: He can smear us all he likes. It doesn't matter. We're not a real family.

Jaune: "Every... little.. thing"? You think THAT is a "little thing"? (Fingers pop and crack)

Blake: Calm. Calm. Calm. It doesn't matter.

Jacques: What's your problem anyway, second husband? It's not my fault she doesn't love you.

Jacques: Ah, now that feels better. Hm?

Blake: (Swinging her leg for Jacques head) STAND DOWN, NIGHTSHADE!.

CRUNCH!

Jacques: (Stares at table split in perfect half)

Blake: (Removes her foot from the table, Reveals bug beneath) Forgive my behavior. There was a gnat buzzing around. (Turns) Thank you for your time.

Jacques: W-Where do you think you're going?! We're not finished!

Blake: If belittling the feelings of children is part of Beacon's educational philosophy, then I have clearly chosen the wrong school.

Jacques: HOW DARE YOU DISGRACE THE NAME OF BEACON ACADEMY!

Blake: Jaune. Penny. We're leaving now. (They walk ahead) Good day. (Slams door)

Jacques: YOU WILL NEVER SET FOOT IN BEACON ACADEMY AGAIN! DO YOU HEAR ME?!

Goodwitch: You went too far, Master Schnee.

Jacques: Oh? Are you questioning my methods, Goodwitch? I'd watch your attitude, if I were you. Big Nicholas may no longer be with us, but his name still holds a lot of weight around here. Send in the next family already!

Goodwitch: ...

???: (Memory) Those who beg and grovel at the feet of the powerful... They're such pitiful creatures, no?.

Goodwitch: ...She didn't disgrace the good name of Beacon Academy.

Jacques: Huh?

BAM!

Jacques: (Falls back, Unconscious)

Goodwitch: (Changes gloves) There. Handled with elegance. And with that, Mrs. Belladina, I think I can face you with the pride and dignity of a proper Beacon Academy educator.

[an-anonymous-autobiography]

back in my periodic dan and phil phase and it’s making me think (WIP)

growing up i was always a bit quirky (autistic) and not like the other girls (not really a girl?) and i - was the quintessential - weird kid. i was picked on a fair bit by the other kids, some of them did give me a hard time, but the worst was from the adults. i was too weird, i didn’t behave right, i was a right stroppy teen (i had needs/boundaries), i was the one who had to be whipped into shape, i had to change to fit what was expected of me. i mean really i was kind of just asking for all of the trauma by choosing to be so strange and difficult (autistic and overwhelmed), they were just showing me some good old fashioned tough love.

this didn’t just apply to the ‘difficult’ emotions, it applied to everything. i experienced all of my emotions in the wrong way - the amount of times i was called aggressive just for being passionate about something and getting a little over exuberant. i was forced to quell my happiness because i didn’t show it properly, i felt everything too intensely and any non standard show of emotion had to be kept in check and not left to get out of hand. any chance i did get i took to far cos it was so unfamiliar to me and i didn’t know how to handle it.

i had to do things with reason, there had to be purpose, i guess there kinda had to be a demographic of sorts, someone to validate it and say yes i like this and therefore approve of you doing it.

“i want to do this” “but why?”

“who’s going to see/watch/read/like it?”

bitch? ME!! i want to do this for ME! why must my happiness need someone else’s permission?

i felt i had to justify being happy, or just purely existing. i always had to have a reason for doing things, it seemed the people around me didn’t really understand that sometimes i just wanted to do things for fun. they acted like my trying to be happy was unnatural and as a result those traits were trained out of me, as if joy is disallowed past age 8 and as if autism can be undiagnosed with enough positive thinking and discipline.

i always felt i had to be ‘proper’, and by proper i mean like, serious, mature, without frivolous intention, planned to a T. there was a right way to do things and all i knew was that i could never do it.

bringing this back to dan and phil. i’ve been watching some of their old videos, i keep watching them over again, sometimes i’ll finish one and then replay it pretty much instantly. it gives me so much nostalgia from when i was a kid, but also i can see so much of my old self in what they do. all of that joy that i wanted to experience, just simple awkward nerdy fun. people loved them for it and still do.

it’s not just them, there were/are so many people who became successful because of those traits that everyone tried so desperately to rid me of and it makes me sad to think of all i could have been if i’d just been allowed to be myself.

some of my quirks were a little too outlandish at times but i don’t think any child has a perfect grasp on the real world. i had so much promise and drive and it was taken from me for no reason

seeing all the people i knew, living their lives and being successful, getting jobs, getting degrees, getting married, etc etc. seeing all the people who were ‘worse’ than me now living more fulfilling lives than i feel i’ll ever have. hurts. it hurts to know all of the pain i went through as a kid was for nothing. it didn’t help me, i could have been far greater if i’d been able to just, be. they tried so hard to fix me and all they did was make me so much worse.

i don’t understand anything. i know nothing about the real world, no one ever thought i’d be capable of living like a normal person so i was kept from it. i feel like i was constantly forbade from just living.

it makes me so sad. so angry. all of the life i missed out on cos no one thought i could be human.

i am so tired of being half human.

i could have had a life, i could have done so much, actually been someone. but now i just hide in my room, i literally never leave the house, i don’t do anything. i’m sick of it, being forced to be no one. i’m me and i’ve always been me no matter how much you hate that and you can’t take that away from me. i am ME, you are not. you don’t know me better than i do, you barely know me at all, you don’t deserve to control me the way you do. i’d leave but you trapped me here, hid me from the outside world and got angry when i asked if i was allowed life skills. you made me into this burden you hate so much, and i’m not sorry for the pain that caused you.

███, ███ i just wish you’d take me away, let me stay with you, teach me how to be human like you are.

it’s way too early and i haven’t been to sleep yet

i’m rambling and i can barely keep my eyes open

[officialnexthikes]

Releasing the Business Potential: How Android Apps Empower

Mobile business applications are essential to compete and be current in the digital age in which we live today. Among other mobile platforms, Android is seen as the better one because it has many customers and active developers. Most people don't know how important Android Apps can be in terms of revenue generation and new opportunities.

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2. Enhanced Visibility and Brand Recognition: A well-designed Android application does not just function but helps also market powerfully. When you share your app through the Google Play Store, there is immediate access by millions of prospective buyers who are already looking for new apps; besides, when people like or recommend an amazing app it becomes something they can relate themselves with or even trust because everything about both brands will always clash in any positive way due to the presence this particular product has had since its launch – one that has always been present in people’s minds due to its outstanding features.

3. Seamless User Experience: Users expect nothing short of seamless as well as intuitive experiences for apps in their use today. Android’s powerful development framework allows businesses to make rich feature applications that offer great interface experiences. They are specifically presented such that Android apps have personalized content recommendations for each individual or group they belong to therefore maximizing its marketability in addition to encouraging user-enhanced commitment.

4. Monetization Opportunities: Businesses can efficiently monetize their applications through in-app purchases, subscription models, or targeted advertising because of the diverse revenue streams that can be capitalized upon by doing so. What's more is that on the other hand, the Android flexible monetization policies had offered developers a chance to try different pricing models as well as revenue strategies for them to optimize profitability.

5. Data-Driven Insights: Through analytics tools and tracking mechanisms, Android apps give businesses highly beneficial information on user behavior, preferences, and engagement patterns.\nIf businesses exploit the said information, they are likely to have more than enough data to enable them to make sound choices, refine their marketing approaches, and consistently improve their applications so that they fit well into consumer requirements and standards.\nSo doing ensures that an enterprise remains adaptable and sensitive enough within a constantly transforming market scenario.

6. Competitive Advantage: In a crowded marketplace, a polished Android app can be a game changer for your business. That means setting your app apart with unique features, functions people can't find elsewhere, superb UX, and so on. This way, one can make it an essential accessory in the mind of their users without using computer jargon when describing it either verbally or written since we both know how confusing this could be even when talking about other aspects like design etcetera where everyone should be on same page including me myself as well if asked what “UI/UX” meant at any given moment right? Besides, updating/applying user feedback plus acknowledging market trends during its development ensures remaining above all else around.

In the digital era, companies must take advantage of custom applications for Android apps to succeed. The advantages of having an Android application are not limited to increasing your business's customer base but also assist in revenue generation as well as building customer loyalty. This will enable firms to exploit modern development techniques that tap into Android’s flexible characteristics thereby creating additional opportunities for success and growth within their highly fierce business environment.

[yihrae]

I feel pretty bad. I wish I could describe the extent wherein I did feel bad but it’s very difficult to put into words so I won’t try - I’ll just say I feel bad. I wish I didn’t feel so bad but truthfully sometimes I think I deserve to feel bad. There is an archaic idea that people many centuries ago who felt pain would try and lessen the extent to which they felt it because they thought it must be god who is punishing them for their sins, therefore they believe the pain is deserved, and hence it helps people come more to terms with the pain. But an argument goes that doesn’t actually decrease the pain. God knows where I heard this from (some lecture on pain a long time ago) but I still remember “God I hear you, and I understand I must atone for my sins. But it hurts.”

I’m not religious and I don’t really believe in things like that. But the theory about knowing you deserved something so the punishment meted out doesn’t feel as bad resonates with me on some levels. It feels pretty bad. But it’s deserved. Whenever I know I deserve something I can’t help but futilely surrender and accept it. As in to say, I had it coming. It doesn’t lessen the pain much but it decreases the existential pain of asking what one did to deserve this. I know I am being punished for all my wrongdoings, whether it be recent or ages ago. I cannot really ever fully atone for some of them. I will likely be punished again and again many times in the future. I don’t wish for that to happen. I don’t wish to exist in a reality that permits the punishment of the individual that is me. 

I can’t really escape reality. That’s called escapism. But the problem is that, usually a some point you will be called back down to earth. So maybe escapism is not really a valid solution. What about reckoning with the pain? That’s the only way but I don’t know how to. A lot of people look at taking their own lives as a solution when they don’t know what else to do. It’s like a last desperate attempt to claw back and gain some control over something that you may have lost control over. I believe at a certain time in the past I did think that way. While the feelings causing me to think that way may have certainly remained unchanged, that dangerous line of thought has gradually receded. I think.

Anyway, I wanted to write something. I think if I didn’t write something I’d soon go insane. So I will write something. Everything hurts. From my toe to my left eyelid to the part of the cranium that touches the brain. My chest hurts the most, followed by my eyes and then the ridges of my nose. I don’t think vey clearly. It’s difficult to be rational when the bodily functions responsible for rational decision making are impaired. I wanted to write a story. But I couldn’t quite think up what cryptic, saddening, metaphorical, moving, interesting story that is an euphemism for my pain could be written.

It’s the most difficult to forgive yourself I think. When you forgive others you hold them to lower standards than you hold yourself. At least, for some people I would think that’s the case. They may be going through some unknown struggle after all. Sometimes we are also going through unknown struggles to ourselves. But it is so difficult to forgive ourselves because everything we experience is very clear to ourselves and we think we are in control.

I wish I was a bit kinder. A bit smarter. I wish I applied myself more. My parents used to tell me I was clever I just had to apply myself. I wish I could have somehow made the realisation sometime ago that it’s an important concept that falls outside the scope of just memorising information and recognising patterns. I feel a lot of pain. There are hammers falling on my toes and boxes rattling against my skull. There are icicles running along my upper limbs and I feel very cold. I feel like if I were to lean forward previously consumed food would come hurling forward along with my liver and kidneys and everything else. I feel very sick. I can’t take any Panadol because I don’t have any. I can’t see the doctor because I can’t afford to, nor would I expect the doctor to understand any of the gibberish that comes out from my mouth. Franz Kafka’s “Metamorphosis” describes a man who wakes up as a gigantic bug one day and frightens everyone with his new form. His family members, whom he had previously been supporting, isolate him. This improves marginally over time but decays quickly as they simply cannot adjust to the fact he is a bug now. He dies eventually. There is not really a happy ending. Sometimes I feel like I woke up as a gigantic bug. It’s a slight exaggeration but I’m not sure how else to put it.

I wish I could just turn back the clock a little.

[empiricalparty]

overdue brain overflow

hello good sir, 

Writing you a letter has been on my list for simply too long so I must do it even though I can’t promise content of any real value. In any case, I hope you are doing well and that everything you are hoping for, happens. 

Big fan of the workshops zinedabaad has been doing along with the toilet sign instagram!! You are always an inspo and I would put you on my vision board if I had one. 

I’m at quite a new and interesting place in life right now, or that’s how it feels. I’m living a life I never could have imagined for myself and of course that is GR8 but now after the initial high of actually being paid to do non standard things for about a year or so and being my own main boss, I find myself asking a few questions. The first is just quite simply, how do I even attempt to present or quantify what I have been doing? How do I prove that I am someone who knows how to do things? I am trying to build a portfolio, but as with all things that centre around myself this is a big challenge. It’s also difficult because I have to go back to the other question of what am I even seeking now. Making a list of things I have done made me more sad than proud because seeing them written as just a little list doesn’t at all capture the time, energy, and love that went into most of them. Where do you put that? How do I show that, that is actually what I’m good at and have experience with? How do I highlight process and not results? How do I build on what I have done and do I even need to? Now that I have things I’m proud of, how do I make sure people see them (and me!) for what they are? Was also wondering what this was like for you while applying for Masters? It feels funny to me to do this without a template, format, or guide from any institution. This portfolio is my oyster and all that.

After asking 288264 questions after claiming it was just 1, we are on to the second question. If everything has been done before, what is there to be done? Does it matter if someone else has done something similar if you do your own version in your own space? I feel both disheartened and excited when I see other people doing work that’s similar to mine. I’m excited to see what they’ve done, how they approached it, and everything else, but it also makes me think well I may as well quit then right? It’s already out there. I really want to work with food and facebook groups. But everyone is working with food, everyone has stories about food. How do I find the ones that haven’t been told yet and should I even? Once side food project Gijs and I are working on from the Spring is eating seasonal vegetables in the Netherlands but cooking them by modifiying Indian recipes. Maybe that’s the only way to do something new, have it be inherently linked to me and my specific background and situation. We’ll see how it goes! Here’s another cool project that reminds me of all the mapping I have been doing across my projects and makes me ask the question of is there a point in me doing what I’m doing when it has already been done.

https://www.subjectiveeditions.org/atlases/p/subjective-atlas-of-amsterdam

I know these are both quite standard questions but for the first time i’m approaching them not in a state of panic and desperation and that’s making it almost harder to figure out what my next steps should be. The options are endless! So for the first time in a long time I really need to think in a biiit longer term way, what do I want to be doing? Maybe work as a cook in a cafe? Maybe go back to interactive tech and work at my own pace with it? Maybe learn some new skills? Maybe start a new big community project? Maybe apply for a grant for a research ish project? Maybe just make some money somehow?Who knows? 

I’m feeling optimistic, intimidated, but also confident that it’ll be something cool, just don’t know what it is yet. 

How have you been? How do you engage with these questions? What are you most looking forward to? 

Sending love to all!!

[uovoc]

Murderbot privacy

“SecUnit is a very private person, it doesn’t like to talk about its feelings” made me do a double take because I was like, SecUnit, who’s listening to you right now? Since when has it cared about privacy? Because while MB is a secretive fucker, it sure doesn’t extend that courtesy to others. And what I could figure out so far to explain this apparent hypocrisy is some more-or-less coherent stuff.

Summary:

MB conflates personal, private, and secret because these categories could not exist separately under the regime of surveillance and objectification inflicted upon it in the CR. This meant that the development of MB’s sense of personal identity was limited to its internal self. As a result, MB has a good instinctive grasp of the right to privacy regarding one’s emotions and internal state. However, its lack of bodily autonomy and background as a cog in the CR surveillance state have led it to regard physical privacy as a personal privilege rather than a right.

2200 words below the cut. I think about Murderbot a normal amount

Terminology

For clarity, the terms personal, private, secret, and privacy will be defined basically by their Merriam-Webster definitions. Personal will be used to mean relating to an individual’s character, conduct, motives, or private affairs. Secret is defined as kept from knowledge or view; hidden. Private will be used to mean 1) intended for or restricted to the use of particular person, group, or class. Privacy will be defined as the quality or state of being apart from company or observation; freedom from unauthorized intrusion. These are not comprehensive definitions, but for clarity’s sake they’re the ones I will use here.

The connotations that they carry in this analysis are:

Things that are secret are actively concealed. If something is secret, people are not aware of its existence. Secrets carry the implication of potential harm if divulged.

Privacy and things that are private are generally kept as such by social norms rather than active enforcement. The existence of things that are private may be known, but the details are limited to a restricted (trusted) audience. For instance, to quote Beatrice-Otter, “the contents of my underwear drawer are private, but not secret.” If you’re at someone’s house, you could technically go look in someone’s underwear drawer – it’s not like they can stop you – but out of the mutually agreed-upon respect for privacy and definition of what qualifies as private, you don’t. Things kept private tend to be done so for personal-emotional reasons rather than practical reasons.

These are limited definitions and not mutually exclusive. For instance, privacy can be enforced by gates and barriers like secrets are. These definitions aren’t meant to be comprehensive, but just to establish the meanings and connotations that I’m working with.

Privacy in the CR versus Preservation

Murderbot’s approach to privacy reflects the attitudes of the Corporation Rim. Preservation regards privacy more like a personal right and establishes it through primarily through societal norms, while the Corporation Rim treats privacy more like a personal privilege which individuals are responsible for securing and maintaining. In Preservation, freedom from observation is the default, and surveillance is the exception. To MBs annoyance, unless a space is singled out for security reasons (cargo spaces and high-traffic zones on the station), it’s generally left unsurveilled (residential areas, pedestrian corridors, most of the planet that we see in NE). Preservation also has cultural expectations of certain types of spaces being private. MB doesn’t share these expectations, as it notes in NE when it admits that its eavesdropping habit is “a little incriminating with the whole listening to private conversations in secured spaces and personal dwellings thing.” The specificity of “secured spaces and personal dwellings” makes this sound like something someone else said to MB that it’s now repeating, especially since it doesn’t agree that what others consider private conversations or private spaces are inherently off-limits to observation.

Unlike Preservation, MB sees privacy as a privilege rather than an inherent right, because it’s more used to the attitude of the CR surveillance state. In the labor installations that MB was deployed on, everything people did was observed by SecSystem at all times. If you wanted privacy, you had to pay for it, as MB notes in ES when it’s complaining about the lack of cameras in the fancy hotel that it books when it arrives. Even then, you might not get what you pay for, and MB take steps to secure PresAux’s own camera network that they later set up. In the CR, privacy is closer in meeting to secrecy, something that must be actively enforced and secured against intrusion. Corporate entities in the CR are motivated to erode personal privacy for profit in the form of datamining and workforce control. Privacy is thus a personal responsibility, since the surrounding environment is one that seeks to undermine it. This is the attitude towards privacy that MB is working with, and part of why it feels entitled to constant surveillance of its humans. In contrast, privacy in Preservation is a right maintained by the collective expectations and policies of the larger community. Station Security doesn’t exactly approve of MB setting up its own surveillance network, but nor does it do regular drone removal sweeps. MB expects privacy to be actively secured, and sees Preservation’s easily breached systems as the equivalent of leaving your valuables out on the lawn. If you don’t want to be surveilled, don’t go around being surveillable.

Surveillance exemptions

Instances where MB appears to respect the notion of privacy are sex/bodily functions, proprietary data, and feelings talks. However, out of these 3 categories, feelings are the topic where MB’s motivations align most closely with the human understanding of privacy. MB’s aversion to sex is more of an ick factor thing, since it repeatedly states that it finds human bodily functions to be disgusting. (I think touch aversion is also part of the sex-repulsed thing, but touch aversion aligns more with ick factor and also with lack of bodily autonomy, discussed below.)

Proprietary data is another topic on which MB appears to be on the same page as humans regarding “private” as being restricted to a particular group: it doesn’t tell the Mensah parents about Amena’s creepy date, and it removes the audio when it shows Indah the video of Mensah complaining about another councilmember. In both of these cases, there’s the potential for harm if the information is divulged: Amena would get scolded and possibly grounded by her parents, and Mensah’s relationships with the Council and Senior Indah would be damaged by her lack of professionalism. In a business context, proprietary data is information kept within a company because it would give your competitors an advantage, or because your competitors could use it to put you at a disadvantage – pretty much the same results, in the game of capitalism. Although both of these examples deal with personal-emotional information, the concept of proprietary data is closer to secrecy in its potential for harm and complete concealment of the information’s existence.

The third type of situation where MB appears to be on the same page as humans regarding privacy is people talking about their feelings. After Arada gets back from the Barish-Estranza negotiations, MB pointedly does not watch her and Overse make up because of the high likelihood that “they were having sex and/or a relationship discussion (either of which I would prefer to stab myself in the face than see).” Sex falls under the ick factor, but there’s a number of reasons the fandom collective braincell has pointed out for MB not wanting to watch people talk about their feelings:

MB exercising the privilege of not having to care about human feelings, as a formerly enslaved person subjected to human whims.

Secondhand embarrassment because MB would never talk about its feelings.

Related to the above, MB reflexively recoiling out of empathy because if it was in their position, it wouldn’t want someone listening in on its feelings.

Actually, now that I think of it, MB doesn’t go into great detail on why it doesn’t like watching humans talk about their feelings, unlike how it explicitly expresses its disgust for anything involving human fluids. Which is why I’ve got the suspicion that when it comes to feelings, MB does have a strong instinctive understanding of what it means for something to be private and, as a result, gets uncomfortable observing a moment that is not meant for others to see. MB has an easier time understanding how privacy applies to feelings rather than acts because unlike its body, its feelings are strongly tied to its concept of what is personal.

MB’s internal and external self

To paraphrase this one MDZS meta, MB’s body is not its own. MB’s sense of what is personal to it, or its sense of unique identity, applies more its internal self than its external self because of its former nonperson status in the CR. This informs what MB considers to be inherently private. While in the CR, its appearance and configuration were decided by the company. To be fair, humans don’t get to choose our original bodies either, but our bodies and the modifications we make to them tell a story of our personal background. The history inscribed in MB’s body, down to the logos etched on its structure, is that of a mass-produced piece of corporate equipment. MB does not have a particular attachment to its external appearance (“standard human”) because its appearance reflects the company’s choices rather than its own. (This changes after it gains the freedom to choose its own clothes and gets tabletop surgery from ART, discussed at the end.) Although MB’s configuration is what makes it a SecUnit, and being a SecUnit is an essential part of its identity, it’s not an identity that’s unique to MB.

For most of its life, MB’s actions have also been extensions of the company. Its actions have either been dictated by its clients and governor module, or it has had to pretend to be controlled by those things, which means making decisions which could conceivably have been issued with the governor module’s approval. MB is also used to selling its body, since it’s expected to literally sacrifice pieces of itself to keep its clients safe (an expectation it continues to hold). MB has been ship-of-Theseus’d to hell and back. The lack of both bodily autonomy and bodily safety due to its nonperson status in the CR means that MB considered its body to be neither private (restricted to the use of only one person) nor entirely personal (pertaining to its unique character).

As a consequence, MB doesn’t consider its external self to have the right to privacy. Although it doesn’t like being looked at, it’s reaction is to hide rather than ask people to stop. (This is also because MB isn’t used to exercising its personal preferences regarding other people’s actions, but that’s a different angle.) It doesn’t like it when Mensah walks into the security ready room, or when its humans and ART’s crew are watching it come out of involuntary shutdown on the deck, but it doesn’t tell them to stop. In general, MB doesn’t like being looked at because if it’s falling apart, it’s in a vulnerable state, and if it’s not falling apart, then being paid attention to used to carry the threat of abuse/incoming orders/being clocked as a rogue. These reasons are more about safety than privacy.

However, MB specifically doesn’t like people looking at its face are because its face shows its emotions, and its emotions are a reflection of its internal state and, by extension, its internal self. MB considers its thoughts and emotions to have the right to privacy because they are the aspects of itself that it has been able to control, and thus has been able to make personal. When Gurathin reveals its name, it grates out, “That was private.” On one level, Murderbot’s name is an honest expression of what it thinks it is and all the associated self-loathing and guilt. MB does NOT want humans to know its name because then they know how it feels about a topic truly important to it. On another level, its name reveals its self-deprecating humor, something a ruthless killing machine is not supposed to have.

Everything that MB considers personal, it has also needed to keep secret, because in the CR, it’s not supposed to be a person the first place. Conversely, the only reason it’s been able to have personal opinions and emotions is because it has been able to keep these things secret. Anything MB would have wanted to be private – restricted to a trusted audience – would have also needed to be secret because of the pervasive surveillance present in the CR, the nonperson status of constructs, and the fact that it had no trusted audience with which it could share private information.

Conclusions

MB conflates the categories of personal, private, and secret because these concepts could not exist separately under the regime of surveillance and objectification inflicted upon it in the CR. Anything in one category had to be able to fit into the others, which limited the development of MB’s sense of personal identity to its internal self. Although MB has good instinctive grasp of the right to privacy regarding one’s internal state, MB’s lack of bodily autonomy and its background as a cog in the CR surveillance state have led it to regard physical privacy as a personal privilege rather than a right.

Now that MB’s in a safer place (kidnappings by giant asshole research transports aside), it’s beginning to separate out those concepts a bit and allow things to be personal and private but not secret (its desire to be with ART, its affection towards Mensah). It’s also starting to allow things that are neither secret nor private to be personal (expressing preferences in its hairstyle, clothing, and aversion to physical touch), which can also be considered MB reclaiming its external self/body.

[thechangeling]

She burns like rum on a fire

Why did I do this to myself ughhhhh?

So @adoravel-fenomeno and I were talking about Kit potentially getting into an abusive relationship given that he's statistically likely too given his roots. So now I give you this fic! Sorry. Kit is using he/him in this fic because he hasn't really gone on his gender quest yet.

The title is from Cherry Wine by Hozier. I reccomend you listen to Cherry Wine and Trauma by NF while reading this.

Cw: Mentions of physical and verbal abuse, abusive, controlling behavior, negative self talk and extreme denial. Also brief mention of blood.

2013

Don't cry.

Don't cry Kit told himself over and over inside his head as he tried to get a hold of his breathing. As he lay on his bed at 2 in the morning, desperately refreshing his conversation with Autumn.

Autumn or as his best friend Janessa liked to call her "the virus" was Kit's girlfriend. His very first. A mundane with the sight. They had been dating for a few months now. When they had first gotten together everything was amazing, it so it seemed.

They had some much in common and they had fun together. Autumn was hot, funny and charasmatic. She had this way of making him feel like the only person in the room. She showered him with gifts and complements that made Kit finally feel worthy for the first time in his life.

But as time went on things shifted. Autumn insisted on spending almost ever waking second with him. Kit didn't mind at first, he loved hanging out with her. But he missed his parents and his sister, and he knew they missed him too. Whenever they had family movie night, or they wanted Kit to watch Mina, Autumn threw a fit. She insisted that he was ignoring her.

She didn't want him seeing Janessa either, or Nessie as Kit called her for short. Autumn always insisted that she was plotting to steal Kit away from her, which was ridiculous but nothing could change Autumn's mind when she was in a mood. So Kit had found himself blowing Nessie off to hang out with Autumn and making excuses for it.

Kit always felt super guilty for making Autumn so upset. He tried to get out of his agreements if it to stop her from crying but sometimes Tessa and Jem wouldn't let him. It was frustrating when they didn't understand. She would rage for awhile, calling Kit stupid and worthless. Sometimes she would make comments about him being adopted, telling him that Tessa and Jem didn't really love him and they only saw him as a free babysitter for their real child.

She would make jokes about all kinds of things. How Kit wasn't a real shadowhunter, his weight, his past, his bisexuality, his ADHD. Kit knew that Autimn didn't really mean anything by it. It was nothing personal and she didn't really mean it. She loved him. And he loved her.

Tonight had been different though. His grades had taken a turn for the worst because he had been blowing of the tutoring sessions the school had payed for as a part of his accommodations. Because he had been spending that time with Autumn. Kit knew it was a bad idea to miss those, but his girlfriend needed him. She didn't have anybody else. She couldn't count on her parents like he could, and she didn't really have any friends.

But Kit was in big trouble. Tessa and Jem were mad. The school was mad. People were saying that Kit was ungrateful.

Ah yes because every disabled person should just bend down and kiss the feet of every person that deigns to give them what they're legally entitled to.

But Kit knew that he had really screwed up this time. He tried to explain to Autumn that he couldn't see her as often as he used to anymore because he needed to fix his grades. And she absolutely lost it. Which he had been expecting.

However what Kit hadn't been expecting this time was for her to hit him.

And she hit him hard. Punched him straight in the nose. And sure it wasn't that big of a deal. Kit was a shadowhunter and he was pretty much used to being hit. But he hadn't been expecting it.

And there was just so much blood.

Autumn of course instantly apologized profusely. She kissed him over and over and told him that she loved him and she didn't mean to. And Kit knew she was telling the truth but-

But he still felt a sinking feeling in his chest that he couldn't explain.

But Kit had applied an iratze, wiped off the blood, and now everything was as good as new. When he had arrived back home, his parents had noticed anything or asked him any questions.

Now he was lying awake at 2 in the morning, filled with guilt and worry as he waited for Autumn to text him back. He gnawed on his bottom lip anxiously as he tried not to over think things.

Maybe she was still mad at him? Was there something else Kit was supposed to say or do? Or maybe he should just leave her alone for awhile?

It was maddening.

Kit turned off his phone and threw it down in frustration, pulling his giant red and black flannel over his shoulders and curling in on himself. He felt strangely exhausted, but unable to sleep. His nose and left eye socket still throbbed a little despite the fact that they should be healed.

Kit thought about using another iratze but his steele was across the room and he couldn't bring himself to stand up to go get it.

God he really was pathetic. Maybe he deserved this. Tears welled up in Kit's eyes.

Don't cry. Don't cry.

This time Kit couldn't hold it back. So he let himself cry. Tears came streaming down his cheeks as he tried to muffle his sobs with his hand. Deep down he knew it was his fault. It was always his fault.

But with Autumn he had really tried. Sure he wasn't perfect but Kit really cared about her. And it wasn't good enough. He wasn't good enough.

Kit couldn't help but think of the last time he felt like this. The last time he was rejected. He had been careful about trying to keep all thoughts of Ty Blackthorn out of his head for awhile. Autumn was a good distraction, even when she was screaming obscenities at him. It was still a distraction.

Kit closed his eyes and conjured the memory of holding Ty up on the roof. If he squeezed his eyes tightly enough, Kit could still feel the softness of his hoodie and the slight tickle of Ty's dark hair against his skin. He could conjure the smell of Ty's skin and the way he had trembled slightly against Kit's body.

I should have kissed him. Kit mused, hugging himself tightly. Just once. Even if Ty had pushed him away in disgust, it would have been worth it. Just to know what it felt like.

Suddenly from the bottom of the bed, Kit's phone lit up with a call. He scrambled to grab it, thinking it was Autumn, but it was actually Janessa. Kit cleared his throat, trying to make his voice sound normal as he answered the phone.

"Why are you calling me at 2 am Nessie?"

"The better question is why are you still awake at 2 am," she pointed out, sounding smug. "I'm a vampire. Creature of the night remember? It's kinda prime time for me Kit Kat."

Kit smiled as he felt the previous angst wash away. "Yeah fair enough. But still, why are you calling me?"

Kit heard her sigh into the phone. "Well honestly because this is probably the only time you're free now a days," she said spitefully. "You know thanks to she-who-must-not-be-named." Kit rolled his eyes.

"That's my girlfriend you're talking about, Janessa!" He snapped.

"Well your girlfriend's a total bitch!"

Normally Kit would argue with her and tell her that she was way off base. That Autumn wasn't so bad and that she was trying. That she loved him. But today he just couldn't.

He sighed, running his fingers through his hair. "We got into another fight tonight," he admitted. "Just a few hours ago actually."

"I'm sorry love," Janessa murmed. Nessie wasn't British. She was actually Canadian. But she had moved around the world with her previous band before settling in Devon and leaving them to go solo. She had picked up on some British expressions though.

"I wish you weren't going through this. But Kit, you gotta break up with her! She's bad news!"

Kit rested his face against the palm of his left hand. "I can't," he groaned.

Janessa let out a frustrated yell on the other end of the phone. "What the hell are you planning on doing Kit!? I mean are you just gonna wait into she hits you or what?" She spat.

"She already did," Kit responded instantly without missing a beat.

He gasped and slapped a hand to cover his mouth. Kit had no idea why he actually told her. Impulsivity maybe? Or maybe he just needed to get it out. But he instantly regretted it.

There was a long uncomfortable silence on the other end of the phone. Kit was just about to ask Janessa where she went when suddenly she spoke.

"I'm coming over."

Kit tried to protest but she hung up on him.

Before he had time to panic or scream or throw something, there was an aggressive tapping on his window. Of course. Janessa had vampire speed. He looked up to see Nessie perched on his windowsill looking solem.

Her long black curly hair was pulled into a high ponytail and she wore what by her standards was probably a casual outfit. A black long sleeved low cut crop top and white ripped skinny jeans tucked into thigh high heeled leather boots. And of course, she wore a full face of makeup. Even after the facial feminization surgery she was still a little insecure about going out without makeup on.

Nessie banged on his window again, more impatiently and Kit jumped up to let her in. She landed on his bedroom floor with the grace of a cat, making no sound. She stared at him silently with an expression that Kit found hard to decipher.

"Show me where," she whispered in that deep raspy voice of hers. She reached for his face and Kit let Janessa cradle his face with her hands and tried not to wince as her cold skin came into contact with his.

He shook his head. "No you won't see it, I put an iratze on it already. It's done." Janessa scoffed and stepped back.

"You know the damage isn't just skin deep Kit," she said pointedly. "No matter how much you want to pretend it is."

He glared at her. "Wow that's so insightful Nessie!," he said sarcastically. "What else you got?"

"Oh come on Kit you know I'm right," She hissed. "You have to end it!"

Kit shook his head. Why does she keep saying that?

"No. Why should I?" Kit retorted. "She loves me." He tried to sound as confident as he could, but truthfully he wasn't so sure anymore.

Autumn had gone above and beyond to make Kit feel loved and appreciated yo the point where she was almost obsessive. But she could also be cruel and spiteful. Kit had convinced himself that he should be happy with what he had because it was as good as he was gonna get.

And the sad part was that was still true.

"No she doesn't," Janessa breathed desperately. To Kit's horror, it looked like she was about to cry. Kit couldn't remember if he had ever seen her cry. Not once.

"Somebody who really loved you could never hurt you like that!" She protested shakily, her voice warbled as tears spilled down her face.

Kit could feel his tears returning at the sight of Nessie crying. He rushed towards her and pulled her into his arms, burying his face in her neck. In the comfort of his best friend's embeace he allowed himself to finally sob. He cried for that broken niave part of himself that kept getting hurt.

She rested her chin on the top of his head, (she was taller then him,) and held him close. "Please promise me you will break up with her," Janessa begged.

"I just don't get it," Kit whispered against her skin. "I did everything right. I did everything I could." He blinked back tears. "Why doesn't she love me Nessie?"

He felt her shake against him. "I don't know Kit," she sobbed. "But I love you ok? I love you and your parents love you, and Mina loves you so much!"

Kit sighed, pulling back to wipe his tears. "I know, but what if I, you know-. What if I never find someone? Like romantically?"

Janessa studied him, raising her eyebrow. "Well do you need to find someone? Who is this arbitrary someone who can give you something a friendship can't?"

That's actually a good point.

"I mean," Nessie continued, crossing her arms and shifting her weight. "If you do end up in a relationship then cool, it's whatever. But the way I see it is you shouldn't focus all of your energy on looking because you're gonna end up missing out on some pretty cool stuff in the mean time." She smiled.

Kit thought about it. He knew logically Janessa had a point. But he just couldn't feel it. He was too depressed and defeated. And as ashamed as it made him, Kit still missed Autumn. He tried to smile along with Nessie but it must have looked weak because she looked concerned.

"Hey," she cooed, reaching for him.

"Can you sing to me Nessie?" He asked. Kit  felt a little pathetic but hopefully she wouldn't judge him.

She smiled lovingly at him. "Sure." Janessa took his hand and led him to his bed.

"Any requests?" She asked as she pulled off her boots and lay down on Kit's bed. He followed her, snuggling up against Nessie with his back to her.

"No not really," he murmered, closing his eyes. Kit was finally starting to feel how exhausted he really was.

Janessa wrapped her arms around him and pulled him close, resting her head slightly against his shoulder. "Ok," she whispered very softly.

Kit heard her clear her throat softly before the sound of her breathy angelic alto filled his ears.

"I'm turning out the lights, to remember how to see. Till the renaissance takes place, Until a renaissance takes place, and resuscitates the color of paint and divinity."

Kit smiled sleepily at the sound of his enneagram song, something Janessa had introduced him to.

He yawned and let the sound of Nessie's voice lull him to sleep, putting all thoughts of Autumn behind him.

In my head Kit is like 5'4 and Janessa is 5'9. Originally I had her at 5'11 but I wanted her to be closer in height to Kit. Also did I name Kit's abusive girlfriend Autumn after my toxic controlling ex best friend? You bet I did!

Tag list: (you know the deal) @playwithravenclaw @lavender-scented-rat @jazzkaurtheglorious @waterlillies   @nott-the-best @stxr-thxif @magnus-the-fabulous-entp-bane @foxglove-airmid @littlx-songbxrd @clarys-heosphoros @queenlilith43 @arangiajoan @hardlymatters @the-wckd-powers @thomas-gaypanic-lightwood @adoravel-fenomeno

[freudensteins-monster]

I found this interview with Terry Pratchett while going through search results for something somewhat unrelated (collective nouns for fantasy creatures, if you must know). As best my google-fu can tell me it’s from an interview with something called The Onion he did in 1995.

“O: You’re quite a writer. You’ve a gift for language, you’re a deft hand at plotting, and your books seem to have an enormous amount of attention to detail put into them. You’re so good you could write anything. Why write fantasy? Pratchett: I had a decent lunch, and I’m feeling quite amiable. That’s why you’re still alive. I think you’d have to explain to me why you’ve asked that question. O: It’s a rather ghettoized genre. P: This is true. I cannot speak for the US, where I merely sort of sell okay. But in the UK I think every book— I think I’ve done twenty in the series— since the fourth book, every one has been one the top ten national bestsellers, either as hardcover or paperback, and quite often as both. Twelve or thirteen have been number one. I’ve done six juveniles, all of those have nevertheless crossed over to the adult bestseller list. On one occasion I had the adult best seller, the paperback best-seller in a different title, and a third book on the juvenile bestseller list. Now tell me again that this is a ghettoized genre. O: It’s certainly regarded as less than serious fiction. P: (Sighs) Without a shadow of a doubt, the first fiction ever recounted was fantasy. Guys sitting around the campfire— Was it you who wrote the review? I thought I recognized it— Guys sitting around the campfire telling each other stories about the gods who made lightning, and stuff like that. They did not tell one another literary stories. They did not complain about difficulties of male menopause while being a junior lecturer on some midwestern college campus. Fantasy is without a shadow of a doubt the ur-literature, the spring from which all other literature has flown. Up to a few hundred years ago no one would have disagreed with this, because most stories were, in some sense, fantasy. Back in the middle ages, people wouldn’t have thought twice about bringing in Death as a character who would have a role to play in the story. Echoes of this can be seen in Pilgrim’s Progress, for example, which hark back to a much earlier type of storytelling. The epic of Gilgamesh is one of the earliest works of literature, and by the standard we would apply now— a big muscular guys with swords and certain godlike connections— That’s fantasy. The national literature of Finland, the Kalevala. Beowulf in England. I cannot pronounce Bahaghvad-Gita but the Indian one, you know what I mean. The national literature, the one that underpins everything else, is by the standards that we apply now, a work of fantasy. Now I don’t know what you’d consider the national literature of America, but if the words Moby Dick are inching their way towards this conversation, whatever else it was, it was also a work of fantasy. Fantasy is kind of a plasma in which other things can be carried. I don’t think this is a ghetto. This is, fantasy is, almost a sea in which other genres swim. Now it may be that there has developed in the last couple of hundred years a subset of fantasy which merely uses a different icongraphy, and that is, if you like, the serious literature, the Booker Prize contender. Fantasy can be serious literature. Fantasy has often been serious literature. You have to fairly dense to think that Gulliver’s Travels is only a story about a guy having a real fun time among big people and little people and horses and stuff like that. What the book was about was something else. Fantasy can carry quite a serious burden, and so can humor. So what you’re saying is, strip away the trolls and the dwarves and things and put everyone into modern dress, get them to agonize a bit, mention Virginia Woolf a few times, and there! Hey! I’ve got a serious novel. But you don’t actually have to do that. (Pauses) That was a bloody good answer, though I say it myself.”    

[mijlen]

Ah I love the doll for Lit. She's so pretty! The beaded detail on her heels is so unique! The moon shape and the colors go perfect with oneus and lit. And I love the belt and the colors in her eyeshadow! It's all gorgeous!

Also... I have a question if you don't mind me asking? (If you dont want to answer thats fine!) It looks like this dolls hair is made from yarn wefts. How did you get the yarn to be long enough for the back part? Whenever I've tried combing it out with a pet brush, it always breaks so that it's only Bob length.

Anyway, she's so pretty!! I'd love to see her and the one for Luna together! Maybe when you finish the next one you could do a group shot? (Just a vague request, absolutely no pressure!!) Thank you for sharing your art!

Ahhh, thank you so much!

And I don't mind at all! Yarn wefts are a time-consuming hassle to learn but I've gotten some experience at doing it "wrong" by this point, so I hope I can pass on some advice. It sounds like you're following the standard practice for yarn wefts, so I'll start from that knowledge prereq.

1. It's an absolute must to use 100% acrylic yarn. I tried doing a wool/acrylic blend before, partly because my local yarn shop doesn't sell any 100% acrylic and partly because I just like to see for myself why a "don't" is a "don't," and it broke so so so so much easier.

2. Look for yarn with chunkier weight. The chunkier the weight, the less tightly woven the individual threads are. This make it a lot easier to brush it out because it unravels easier, and naturally the brush will fight the fiber a lot less, resulting in less length lost. I use Lion Brand Hometown USA almost exclusively because it's got an ideal chunky weight and comes in a lot of good colors.

3. Set your expectations - even if everything works out perfectly, you should expect to only get about 4in/10cm for each weft. The wefts tend to taper a lot past the 2 inch mark.

And some general tips from my experience (you might not even need these, but just in case anyone else is reading!!):

- I got frustrated early on that my wefts always seemed to pucker and look weird after straightening - not because the fiber was damaged by the heat, but because it wasn't setting right. I wanted to get them as silky-smooth as dollmakers on YT. So I started combing them right after applying the heat, just like I used to do to my own hair when I'd straighten it. BAM - instantly silky-smoothness.

- Focus on thinner, even, single layer wefts with just a couple of yarn pieces at a time, as opposed to thicker wefts. Because of the taper that naturally happens near the bottom of the wefts, this will help you build volume more realistically. Plus, the thinner wefts glue together so much easier.

- I haven't personally tried this technique yet, but if you want to make a doll with ridiculously long hair using yarn wefts, the sew-in ponytail method seems pretty straightforward. HeXtian used it in his most recent video, and etellan also did it with her Jade redesign. The effect is soooo stunning. I might try something like that for the ASWE doll, idk yet.

Ahhh I've rambled enough. I hope that helps at least a little! And YES!! I intend to do a group shot for sure once I've got more dolls finished in the series. Thank you again!

[annatao]

[ -  Bad English - ] This was a necessary update, because in the comic book, that's exactly what she looks like+ it must conform to the canon. I also updated the information about her.

Cona Dei Basic information

Class: Alchemist Type: Protection Health: 135/in uber – 245 Speed: 110% Team: RED Weapon To kill effectively, the Alchemist must increase his damage with his potions. The main thing: the Scorpion submachine gun is an experimental weapon that was developed by the “MannCo” corporation intended as an upgrade for the standard class. However, it was stolen by a certain thief who had all the necessary access. Later, this weapon underwent a change, and then went to the Alchemist. Ammo is coated with acidic composition. - 20% damage + causes bleeding from burning acid Burning sensation: 4/sec x 5sec Secondary weapon: a one-handed crossbow that fires poison bolts. *If hit in the head-crit * damage 25-60. Depending on the distance Close Combat: Hopesh is a cold weapon that was once given by Henrik as a decoration. Now she uses it in battle. 4 slot: potion set. In total, Kona can carry one potion of 3 types with her. For example, a regeneration potion (for yourself), a poison that causes bleeding, an acid bomb. * In the game, the mechanics worked like this: holding down the 4 button and scrolling the wheel, you select 1 of 3 potions that the player selected in advance in the menu. After use, they would recover for about 30 seconds. The distributor has about 20 seconds (She would take resources from there) Special opportunity: Margo the rat – if you sneak up on the victim from spita, the Alchemist will release his pet and it will get under the enemy's clothes and start biting, thereby causing bleeding for 6 seconds. Alchemy Kit There are 3 categories in total: *For yourself *For your team *Halloween

For myself: *Fire Resistance Potion-Reduces fire damage by 50% for 5 seconds *Potion of the feather-gives the effect of a smooth fall, thus it saves itself from damage. The effect passes as soon as the Kona touches the ground. *Regeneration Potion-the effect lasts for 5 seconds and restores 5 health points each. For the attack and for your team: Potion of power-Gives mini-crit. Apply an effect can, as well as himself, and on any player from his team, but only one. The effect lasts for 5 seconds. Freeze Potion-slows the victim down, and the victim takes a small amount of damage for 6 seconds. You can get rid of the effect if the friendly Pyro warms up with his flamethrower. Poison Potion-a small dark cloud is created when thrown. Causes poisoning within 5 seconds, removing 4 health points each. Bacon's Potion-removes negative effects from the team A bandage-An alchemist can give a bandage to a teammate who is bleeding. If this effect is not present, the item will not work. It does not regenerate and does not heal, only removes this effect. Acid bomb "surprise" - is a throwing glass projectile with acid. When it hits the ground, it releases an acid cloud. * Works on both enemies and allies. *When igniting such a cloud, it deals additional damage to everyone who was in it * Only an Alchemist or a first-aid kit at the base can cure this "poison". * Does not work on the Alchemist himself, as the cloth that hides her face is soaked with the antidote and does not work on the Arsonist, as well as on those who are in the uber. Halloween ones. On maps where the Alchemist acts as a boss, these potions are available to mercenaries ONLY in the alchemy machine (there are 3 of them for the entire map) : 1. Explosive potion "Griffin's Feather". It is enough to throw a potion at your feet and it allows the player to jump high and smoothly descend without any damage. Valid for 20 seconds. It works by the type of parachute. 2. Death Potion-turns the player into a zombie (cosmetic effect) 3. Potion "???» - an unknown potion that, once applied, turns the player into toads, deer, elephants, jackals, panthers, chipmunks, bats, cats, and otters (cosmetic random effect.) 4. Reduction Potion-turns players into toddlers that squeak like chipmunks. It also gives you the ability to fly, but you can't use weapons. Exc: Taunts, Machine Gunner's food. 5. Potion of Fear-Scare the shit out of your enemies! But be careful, because it works not only on the enemies, but also on you, too. It can be repelled with compressed air. 6. Potion "blood of the Vampire" - causes a thirst for blood in the owner and if he does not "drink" it from enemies, he will slowly lose health. This poison works for 30 seconds. 7. Potion "Magic for weaklings!" - prohibits the player from picking up and using spells. A potion for those who want to play the classics on this map. 8. Potion of Regenerations – is there no Medic in the vicinity or does he not hear you? Were you injured or had your arm torn off? No question, use this tool and your problems will be solved quickly! Valid for 7 seconds. 9. There is also a new spell during the boss battle (Marasmus, Cona Dei) - challenge Margot. Summons a mutant rat that walks on its hind legs, wears skin clothing, and uses a heavy wooden hammer as a weapon. Health – 460 units. * Rarely when using this spell, during a battle, Kona may resent that Margot " betrayed her» Biography Age: 27 Origin: Greece Bad habits: no Motto: "You need to start all over again" Appearance: Dark brown hair, brown eyes. Normal build. From clothing she has a T-shirt, over which she wears a bulletproof vest with straps for securing weapons. Dark skinny trousers,army boots. On the belt there are two pouches, and there is on the leg. Description Little is known about her past. She doesn't really tell outsiders about it, rather evasively and reluctantly, missing a lot of details. She keeps silent about how she got into the ranks of the mercenaries, because she doesn't really want to talk about it. However, her current goal is to start all over again. Many people will think that she has a secretive character, but in addition to such a trait, you can notice calmness, and an Alchemist can easily be caught off guard when a girl is passionate about something. If you make her angry, the girl will think of a very good plan of revenge, and as for the consequences for her victim, she will not care much. Good and bad qualities: a good friend, not against putting his shoulder to "tears", lack of sleep often cause her indifference to the environment, with which she began to struggle, before she could score a bolt on it. She is careful in her work, but when it comes to working with a Medic, she puts more effort into it. Attitude to other mercenaries Scout-friend (the best option for a direct attack, like " hit and cover») Soldier-dislikes, often comes into conflict with him. This is mostly due to misunderstandings, or the Soldier starts them himself. Arsonist – best friend (fire-acid duo-effective, especially ambush attack on the very crowd of opponents) Demoman- friendly. Do you have someone to borrow gunpowder for experiments Machine gunner – at first she was afraid of him, but over time she became more friendly to him Engineer-work colleague Medic - Teacher-Student relationship Sniper-neither friend nor foe Spy-neutrality Ada Gilbert-passive-positive. Sometimes Miss Gilbert's obsession annoys her Jeanne-neutral Evidence * The last name " Dei "is taken from the song "Green day" and supplemented, since she does not have her own. * The Alchemist keeps a pet-a lab rat named Margo. *Her first mercenary friend was an Pyro. * The girl participates in a joint project with a Medic and an Engineer, building the first prototype of a helmet for viewing dreams, which also records them. *Because of her 8 years of solitude, it is difficult for her to communicate with the rest of the classes outside of combat. *The Alchemist has a thick notebook where she draws different happy moments from life. *The Alchemist has no education, but she was taught all the standards and everything else by her so-called brother. * In non-combat, he wears light but closed clothing, and prefers to wear an arafatka over his face. * The alchemist almost never takes off his gloves.

[shihalyfie]

hi! this is out of curiosity, since when do you start to watch adv series in its original jap. ver.? do you find any difficulty in trying to adapt, get used to it? like the voices, names of the characters, music, the way the story is presented. i first watch the series in my own language and the english ver (not the us ver., more like asian english ver.) before i encounter the original jap. ver. during my teenage years and get used to it over time until now. i'm okay with dub ver, but i always prefer, love to watch the jap. ver. more than other dubs.

(Note: This was cleared up later with the asker and various parties, so mostly leaving this for posterity: while it's not universally well-known, "J*p" is a slur originating from WWII, so I ask that people please be careful about not using that even as an abbreviation.)

Regardless of language, I've always been interested in original versions of any dubbed media for as long as I've been consuming media (I won't say I'm necessarily a purist, I just happen to have a natural curiosity for what must have been the original source), so I'd been interested in the Japanese version of Digimon ever since I first got into it, and had been following it ever since it started getting translated. If you know anything about Digimon and subbing, it actually took some years for most early Digimon series to get decent quality subs in full, so I thank everyone involved for their hard work, especially since the prevailing attitude at the time was that "the (American) English dub didn't change anything substantial anyway" (ignoring the fact that there would still be good reason to have the Japanese version on hand even if that were the case...) and the demand for it was even more niche than it is now.

I didn't really have problems getting used to names. I did have to get used to the voices, because since I got in with the American English dub initially, I had a strong attachment to the voices I'd associated with them there (and I still do, even if I haven't fully watched the dub in years!), so there would be things like Yamato (Kazama Yuuto)'s voice being much deeper than I'd expected, or Agumon's voice being completely different in general, but I got used to it quickly because I felt like everyone fit their character perfectly in their own way. The music was a bit surprising, but I was never too incredibly attached to the original music anyway so it was mostly just discovering something new and fun. Other than that, I guess I was incredibly surprised by how different of an impression 02 gave me, especially Daisuke; having been eyeing 02 in Japanese since translation efforts first started, I knew there had been some changes (Hurricane Touchdown...) but the actual degree really surprised me, especially since, as I said, the prevailing attitude was that "it didn't change much". Part of the reason I write so extensively about how much the 02 dub changed is that I personally witnessed firsthand how much my perception of the series abruptly shifted after my first time watching it in Japanese, and how nearly impossible it became to hold analytical conversations about certain smaller details with people who mistakenly over-applied dub things to the Japanese version because "we're actually talking about two different things, aren't we..." never comes up thanks to how prevalent this myth is. Driving this home further, I don't have this issue at all with fans who had their own local dubs more closely adapted from the Japanese version, so the problem really isn't whether it was in Japanese or not, or whether it was a dub or not, as much as the fact "the script really did change that much".

Currently, I guess I would say I have a pretty complicated relationship with Digimon's American English dubs. Like I said, I don't necessarily think I'm a purist or anything, and even though I have an increased stake in watching things in Japanese since I can actually understand much more about the language than I used to, I myself still enjoy a good dub and also completely understand and appreciate the nature of what dubbing entailed in those days, the dub's role in getting Digimon to a wider audience, the reason people prefer dubs and how important this one is to people, and, heck, I still love the voice actors. At the same time, this "it didn't change anything significant" myth has been really damaging and frustrating to deal with, because you get pointless, unnecessary arguments about people trying to talk about two very different versions of the series and arguing because they don't realize the characters they're discussing weren't even written similarly (hi, Mimi and Daisuke). Even if people do acknowledge the changes, there's also a tendency to worship that dub, so even though I feel my complaints about it are pretty legitimate ones (my gripes mainly being that I'm uncomfortable with the characterization changes, I feel many of the changes caused a significant adverse impact on the story and characterization integrity especially in the case of 02, and I get a bit of a bad feeling about some of the cultural localization attempts in dialogue borderline crossing into racism), it's frustrating to constantly get shut down because everything should be excused as long as it was in someone's childhood, and it's also frustrating to see these dismissals applied to people who had their own aforementioned local dubs and are upset at how this impacted their own childhood, but are thrown under the bus because their own dub is treated disrespectfully as if it were "secondary" to the American English dub somehow being the enforced, mandated standard for any kind of localized Digimon outside Japan.

I completely understand that a lot of this is lashback developed from Japanese-version-only purist camps being obnoxious about dunking on dubs, but it's uncomfortable observing the results of the fallout when you're kind of here in the middle not wanting to dunk on it for the sake of dunking on it, but also having concerns that you feel everyone is dismissing you for. (Not helping is also the fact that obnoxious purists love to dunk on people for having a personal preference for dubs; there are a lot of reasons to prefer them even if you're aware of the changes, personal emotional attachment and accessibility reasons being among them, and my grievances have more to do with the "it didn't change anything" myth still being prevalent, the experiences of having any criticism I have of it being so easily dismissed, and the fact that a combination of both means that having strong loyalty to the Japanese version gets you pinned as being an unusual purist or being overly picky.)

Also, I think one thing that isn't often talked about is that there's a huge difference between the dubs of everything up to 02 and the dubs of everything between Tamers and Savers (Xros Wars we'll...leave aside for now, haha). In the case of the latter, the aggressive joke-adding is much less intrusive, the changes (including to characterization) are less significant, and you can even see this in that Diablomon Strikes Back's dub has much closer dialogue and characterization to the original than anything else from the 02 dub. So a lot of what I said above actually just applies to Adventure and 02 more than anything. For series after, I don't make it a habit to watch their dubs as often these days, but I'm still familiar with them and have my own pretty strong sense of nostalgia for the Tamers and Frontier ones in particular, and for anything after 02, I haven't had any particular experience with other fans regarding trying to discuss the series but finding we're talking about two different things, other than maybe one or two minor things that had to be cleared up every so often. So in that case I myself also agree more with the idea of mostly treating the dubbed and Japanese versions as the same thing, whereas with Adventure and 02 I honestly feel they need to be treated as separate and distinct things.

In the end I guess the take-home I have here is that I feel like my experience going from the dub to the Japanese version has been a lot less shocking or eventful than dealing with the perceptions and stigmas around them from other people...^^;;

[incarnation-of-victory]

“He doesn’t take himself into account...”

I was contemplating how Deku’s fatal flaw of “not taking himself into account” is going to be resolved, and, assuming that it’s going to be in the form of some kind of talk with his friends/family/peers/mentors, here are some of my ideas on the problem itself and how some characters might approach it (A.K.A. 80% of this is in regards to Bakugou and then there’s a paragraph at the end about how Shouto relates to Deku, because I haven’t thought enough about the other characters yet. There is no cure for “Head empty, just-Bakugou” syndrome):

*Manga spoilers up to ~295*

I've seen debate over whether or not Deku does indeed have a self-worth problem, and while I do agree that it is a factor, I also think it’s a little more complicated than that. The way I see it, Deku is a lot like Bakugou: he hinges his self-worth on whether or not he can save everyone, much like how Bakugou hinges his self-worth on whether or not he can achieve a perfect victory. They both have unstable egos which fluctuate depending on whether or not they can fulfill their ideals.

So I don’t think it’s quite as simple as Deku thinking: “Everyone says I’m worthless so they must be right,” but it's more that he’s constantly trying to challenge that label. He has the confidence/perseverance to think, “Everyone says I’m worthless so I have to constantly prove them wrong—and more importantly, I have to prove it to myself so I don’t actually succumb to the even deeper fear that maybe I actually am worthless after all.” So essentially, Deku’s constantly under the pressure of people’s expectations of him. And this pressure comes from more than just society once Deku is bestowed with OFA. Sound familiar?

Well, it’s a lot like how it was for Bakugou. Deku came into the world graceless and unskilled, even before being diagnosed as Quirkless, so the world formed that perception of him accordingly. Deku was deemed worthless, so he feels the need to surpass that designation out of fear that he will regress to it if he doesn’t meet his goals. Bakugou was a natural-born talent, even before getting his Quirk, so the world had high expectations of him to be good at everything, always strong, and never require help. So for Bakugou, if he fails to meet those standards, his self-esteem drops and he feels similarly weak (though he's now outgrown this to some extent).

More specifically, Deku now has one of the most powerful Quirks in the world, OFA, which comes with very high expectations—not unlike how Bakugou’s Quirk, Explosion, is very powerful and as such comes with a similar expectation that he must be the strongest and better than everyone else. In Deku’s case, however, it’s a little different because OFA is tied to a kind of legacy-driven destiny: it was created for the sole purpose of defeating AFO (the person, and the Quirk, I suppose—the two are so entangled, reasonably). Deku has gotten to the point that he feels the full weight of this expectation, and that he’s desperately afraid he won’t meet it. So in his mind, he has to fulfill the goal of OFA, even at the cost of his own life. Not just so All Might, who chose him, won’t regret his decision, or that others will be disappointed in him, but also because the fate of the world & people’s safety very much hang in the balance. Furthermore, as a OFA user, he feels that it’s his responsibility to deal with AFO and nobody else’s, which is probably part of why he’s reluctant to rely on others’ help.

Deku pledged to Bakugou that he would make OFA his own, and Bakugou often checks up on his progress for that reason, so I think it makes sense that Bakugou would be involved in trying to remind Deku that he is his own person outside of OFA’s own goals. It’s a bit like how AFO quite literally possesses Shigaraki to pursue his own goals: OFA (the person/the Quirk?) does the same by overriding Deku’s dreams and well-being, even if it’s for a noble cause. I think Bakugou very much recognizes how OFA is cursed in this manner too (though at the same time, he’s acknowledged that it’s done a lot of good too and has the potential to do even more).

Additionally, Bakugou also benefits from Deku making OFA his own: so they can finally settle once and for all, who the better the hero is (he also wants it for Deku’s own sake too, of course). A “Deku vs. Kacchan 3” is in order for that reason, but I don’t think it’s going to be in the conventional format of a brawl, because at this point, it’s clear that raw power alone is not enough to become the best hero. So we’ll see how that goes.

Despite all of this, would it still be valuable for people to remind Deku of his own inherent self-worth? Perhaps. I think Deku could benefit from relating to Bakugou most on how failing to meet your own expectations doesn’t automatically make you weak/worthless/a loser. 

Because I feel that there’s a fine line between feeling motivated to get back up again after failing vs. having your self-worth plummet if you fall just below the standards you’ve set for yourself. And Deku and Bakugou toe that line a lot. How would you reconcile this issue, you ask? Well, I wouldn’t personally know, because:

I still feel that Deku & Bakugou’s tendency to fall into that pit of self-negativity is a little unhealthy… but that could just me. I think Bakugou having a similar guilt complex, where he pins a lot of blame on himself for his mistakes (which is sometimes overly harsh/misplaced), is also not the best mentality. I’m still of the opinion that Bakugou’s continued sense of responsibility (read: guilt) over All Might’s end is somewhat misplaced/misguided, even if well-intentioned, but again, we have yet to see the narrative confirm this as a lasting issue or not.

Which brings me to Bakugou’s sequence of thoughts/recollections in 285: Bakugou Katsuki: Rising. Again, I think it’s important to keep in mind that Bakugou has a tendency to be a little harsh on himself, so his own perception of his culpability in influencing Deku may be a tad overblown (this also applies to any narrator when we see the story from their perspective: they’re always going to have their own biases).

I’ve read and re-read Bakugou’s flashback sequence as he begins to rise, and because Bakugou is such a visual thinker and less of a linguistic one, his flashbacks, without proper wording, can be vague. I think there’s multiple ways you can interpret this sequence, and while at first I was confused by it and found it disjointed, I then tried looking at it as a kind of thematic, three-act structure, where the images all sorta build on each other.

When Bakugou thinks of OFA as a “cursed power,” he flashes back to middle school when he mocked Deku’s desire to apply to U.A. in front of the class.

And then when he thinks about OFA in a positive light, as associated with All Might, he focuses on All Might’s face and then flashes back to Deku’s hero notebook that he blew up and tossed in the pond, which is again, another rejection of Deku.

And then he remembers Deku pushing back against him instead in Deku vs. Kacchan 1, when he tells Bakugou he won’t be his “worthless punching bag Deku forever,” pledging that he’ll from now on be “the Deku who always does his best.”

Except the next image we get of Deku in place of the past, positive one, is one of him destroying himself in real time, where he appears ominous, haunting, almost kind of mad or possessed. And Bakugou is not pleased by it.

So one way the pattern here could be read: Bakugou recalls all the times he put Deku down, only for him to get back up again, which parallels how Deku reacted against society’s "worthless" perception of him. This also kind of works in conjunction with another pattern: 1) Deku (while in possession of OFA) is conflated with AFO/OFA, 2) Deku (while in possession of OFA) is conflated with All Might, 3) Bakugou’s conclusion: Deku isn’t quite either of those and is instead, his own person. OFA is his own and exists to serve Deku’s goal of being “the Deku who always does his best.” The only problem is that the Deku here hasn’t quite realized that yet.

Either way, it seems like Bakugou feels he at least partly contributed to this marginalization of Deku. Maybe a part of him thinks, "If only I'd been supportive of him from the beginning… then maybe he wouldn't be like this now… that he wouldn't be in this position…" 

While, as compared to where he was at during DvK1, Bakugou does now accept the new meaning of “does his best” Deku, at the moment, this Deku isn't currently matching up to that version. The distinction here is that this current image of Deku isn’t a positive one, it’s negative.

It’s a picture of Deku destroying himself for a dream which isn’t his, perhaps out of a sense of obligation. Because as Deku puts it, he feels blessed for all he currently has: for being at U.A., having All Might as his mentor, and being able to have a normal-ish conversation with Bakugou.

But he still has this imposter syndrome way of thinking that he got this all through luck, that he’s undermining his own virtues and skills. Possibly because he does have low self-worth. I think of it like this: Deku is probably aware on some level that OFA comes with risks, that it has a lot of baggage and is probably kind of cursed, but Deku’s so grateful for the chance to become a hero, and desperately so, that he’s willing to accept even the worst of consequences to himself.

Here’s a good comic from a Japanese artist on Twitter that encompasses this idea of OFA taking advantage of Deku’s hero ambitions, before Bakugou stops him: https://twitter.com/j_nobu4/status/1344244583148863488?s=20 (rough translation in the replies, but you get the gist from the images). I think it’s a surprisingly accurate depiction of canon events, and partly inspired a lot of my ideas here!

Either way, it probably doesn’t help that All Might conveniently forgot to mention all the warning labels and side effects that come with OFA before giving it to Deku, but I digress.

And I think it’s also possible that, because he’s so grateful and feels like he’s been gifted with this new, privileged life, a part of him is afraid that he might lose it all—his friends, his life at U.A., All Might’s approval, OFA itself—if he fails to meet the expectations set out for him. That maybe he won’t deserve it anymore. I mean, hell, he already tried to give Mirio OFA once before—it’s probably no coincidence his “better” showed up to the Shigaraki fight to make him feel inadequate again. Not only that, Deku never expected to be able to speak to Bakugou again. And yet, in a sad kind of way, it was only after finally getting a Quirk, OFA, that the two are given a means to reconnect again.

I admit all of that is a bit convoluted, but either way, I feel like Bakugou does feel guilty for belittling Deku, and that it could be helpful for him to remind Deku of his own inherent worth outside of OFA, even more than just as a hero, but as a person. Because someone’s worth shouldn’t just be based solely on how many people they save or how many battles they win. Every human being has value simply for existing. And that’s mainly why Bakugou jumped in to save Deku at the end of 285. It wasn’t because he was consciously thinking about OFA getting lost/stolen, or reconciling with Deku, or Deku losing his dream, or his even own ambitions. At that moment, he simply had that instinct to save someone who was in trouble.

I think the person whose words would have the most effect on Deku in this case would be Bakugou. Firstly, Bakugou was one of the main people in his life who constantly belittled him and made him feel worthless (obviously not the ONLY cause, but one of the major ones). I think, in one sense, not only does Deku highly value Bakugou’s opinion, it would also be quite validating to have the person who used to think you were worthless tell you that you really aren’t. It’d mean a lot if Bakugou, who gave Deku his deprecating nickname in the first place, revealed to him that he now acknowledges the new, positive meaning of it. Of course, it’s still unclear, from Deku’s perspective, how much he holds Bakugou accountable for how he treated him, so whether or not this would mean much to him is still in the air.

Anyway, on the note of Deku making his Quirk his own, an abrupt segue: I feel that Todoroki can also quite relate to that dilemma. After all, Deku was the one who had to break Shouto out of the mentality that his fire was an extension of his father, rather than his own. So a similar “It’s your power, isn’t it?” moment would make sense here. Both Deku and Shouto have this legacy that’s thrust upon them, but they shouldn’t necessarily be beholden to upholding them. 

I think one of the main themes of BNHA is about legacy, and the trend, to me, is that the current generation can learn a lot from the previous generation, but ultimately, the heroes of now have to form a new, improved legacy, however that may be. After all, the current hero society is very flawed, and heroes like All Might and Endeavor contributed to its state (for better or worse), even if they also had merits at the same time. OFA and AFO, too, mimic that concept of legacy, in that the Quirks started as a feud between two brothers, and that it shouldn’t be Deku or Shigaraki’s responsibility to resolve it. Rather, their Quirks should be used to fulfill their own visions, regardless of what they are. So there’s something they could bond over, among other obvious things...

Obviously, there’s probably going to be more people and other various moving parts involved, but Bakugou and Todoroki were the ones I thought most about in regards to Deku’s development here (the former more than the latter, clearly). Maybe I’ll make a continuation later or probably not because I don’t care about the other characters nearly as much. Jokes aside, I do think the final battle is going to require more than Deku and Bakugou’s efforts, because I think this one showed that they certainly can’t do it on their own.

[mbti-notes]

Heyo, this is the INFJ that asked a year or so ago about learning psychology. Thanks for your last answer! I just wanted to ask about something else I've been having trouble with. I've always loved learning myself, especially in the mathematical/computational sciences. I've been doing so since I was 8 (I'm 18 rn) and I really love it. Since I was reading university-level stuff myself for all these years, I also got an on-campus job in research. However, since I've gotten this job, reading and do

[con’t: ing stuff has kinda lost its charm, the reason being that because I've started to see that I'm good at the field and potentially able to gain a lot of extrinsic reward for it, my motivation has become extrinsic because I have real stakes in not studying now such as not progressing in my career or even losing opportunities (Ryan's SDT theory? lol). I understand that I can just focus COMPLETELY intrinsically, without any focus on what I get from things, but that isn't preferable because I'll just it's just that I've caught a fear of success and procrastinate endlessly on achieving my long-term goals. I think I'm unconsciously afraid of doing too well tbh, because people don't like it (I've seen my peers becoming jealous and withdraw since I got my job and I didn't even realize why they did that until an elder explained to me). I'm also afraid of failing to do what I set out to do and showing myself that I was really in the clouds after all. Do you have tips to help me confront these fears? 

BTW, I saved this for the last: your answer was REALLY helpful; I'm making tons of progress! I've chosen to 'specialize' in cognitive/personality psychology, a tilt towards the personality side, and I've already started applying and seeing the depth in the various theories put together by those intelligent folks. I think I'm starting to analyze theories and put them in a more theory-in-itself perspective, which is really enjoyable and gets me a bunch of insight I didn't know was hidden there. I've also started seeing the value in research and how it is used to forward and refine theory empirically. So thanks :D]

You’re welcome. It seems that your problem is related to function misuse: 

Ni misuse: unrealistic expectations or extreme thinking

Fe misuse: self-image and self-worth problems

Ti misuse: twisted logic and inappropriate methods of judgment

Se misuse: superficial or oversimplistic thinking

The first major issue is that there’s something wrong with the way that you try to envision the future. 1) Oversimplified either/or thinking runs rampant. “Either I succeed or I fail.” “Either I am intrinsically or extrinsically motivated.” 2) From either/or thinking comes the formulation of extreme expectations. “I must be the absolute best to succeed”. “Failing means that I am the absolute worst.” “If I am only intrinsically motivated, I will procrastinate and fail.” “If I am only extrinsically motivated, I will lose myself and fail.” And on and on.

You don’t give yourself many options because your mind is closed or cut off from other options. If your N process is basically only capable of generating ideas that all lead to one conclusion - failure - it speaks to the immaturity of Ni. Listen more carefully to how you talk to yourself. If you talked to someone else the way that you talk to yourself, you’d be causing a lot of hurt. There is a distinct lack of self-compassion in your self-talk. You basically set yourself up for failure so that you can blunt the disappointment that you expect to feel should you fail - you are causing your own failure and disappointment. This is a very sad way to go through life. Sure, if you never really try, then you are able to live in the delusion that you could’ve been great. It is delusion because the fact is that you will never actually know the truth about yourself and your potential. You are saying that protecting your delusion is more important than the truth.

None of this thinking is useful or productive because it is all quite unrealistic. Your thinking is based on pure abstractions, detached from how learning actually works in the real world. Learning is a PROCESS of growth. It cannot be measured merely in stark terms of “success” or “failure”. Would you tell a child that they have failed unless they achieved 100% on the test? Yet that is basically what you tell yourself. Learning is a HUMAN process, nonlinear, unpredictable. It cannot be only intrinsically or only extrinsically motivated because all human beings are motivated by both kinds of factors. Are you a robot? You can just switch things on and off as you like? It doesn’t work that way. The proper approach is to balance the two because you need both. 

The second major issue is that your identity seems completely tied up with how you perform in your learning and work activities. This perhaps speaks to an underlying fear of being inadequate, inferior, unacceptable, worthless, etc - all pointing to deep-seated shame -> unhealthy Fe that uses inappropriate standards to determine your value. Ti loop commonly uses displays of striving, competency, or intelligence to prove oneself and alleviate shame. Shame about what? What’s your shame? Being imperfect? 

If your motivation for learning is actually perfectionism, then, yes, you’re going to have serious motivation problems, because your intention is misguided. As soon as you fail to live up to perfection, your motivation dies. Perfectionism cannot sustain long term growth because it is merely concerned with protecting your feelings and boosting your ego. Perfectionism drains energy rather than energizes you. Would you tell a child that the main reason for doing anything is perfection, that they must do everything perfectly, or else there’s no point? If so, you’d be guaranteeing their failure and depression. You will always fail to live up to perfection because perfection doesn’t exist except as a delusional possibility in your own mind. Always thinking in terms of “failure to live up to an ideal” means that your focus is always trained on the negative, and in that state of mind, there is no space for experiencing the positive aspects of learning and growth.

You need function development. It begins at the top, with the way that Ni+Fe (poorly) conceptualizes you, your self-image, your potential, and your worth. These are common INFJ issues, so I suggest that you read through the related tags and articles.

[cafeinthemoon]

To Where the Water Take Me - Chapter II

Title:  To Where the Water Take Me

Genre: Fanfiction | Fantasy!AU

Pairing: Tobirama Senju x Yua (Ofc)

Rating: Teen | up

Word count: 2703

Chapter (s): 2/?

Warnings: minor injury

Read the previous chapter here: Chapter 1

Symbols: ⭕ | ➕ | 💛 | ▶▶

Chapter 2 - Gratitude

The seaman explained the situation in a deep, clear voice that both surprised and interested the girl.

- I am not afraid of you and I can perfectly understand what you are saying, girl of the land. I am grateful for what you did for me despite not having the obligation to do so. However, though I am aware of its unsettling appearance, this injury in my chest is the least of my problems. It was a result of an altercation I had with someone of my own people, and with this seaweed I managed to find during my escape it could be properly treated. But… – he then seemed to regain his courage and looked the girl in the eye – My face was also injured during the fight, as you can see, and I cannot take off my protector and treat the bruise until I go back to the deep sea and find a quiet place to do it in particular.

Even with the strangeness of the situation, Yua could sense through his tone and manners that he was not joking; despite her lack of knowledge about his people’s standards regarding education, it was clear that he must have received the finest one. Among her people, he would be certainly taken as a noble man; it was obvious that he wasn’t from the lower classes, if such thing existed in his world.

Still, she didn’t understand why he would need to find a hideout just to treat an injury on his face. That was illogical in all senses.

- I’m sorry – she started – But I don’t understand why you cannot take it off here and now. We could treat your injury as we did with the other.

He stared at the girl with something between embarrassment and annoyance, as someone who had to explain something obvious like as a social rule to someone but then remembered that the person came from another land where the said rule didn’t exist.

- In fact, I could not expect that someone from the land would know about such things – he sighed – Listen. I serve as Commander of the regiments responsible for guarding the gates and the territories connected to our Village, hidden in the depths of the sea. My forehead protector is a symbol of honor, a reminder of my purpose. I hope you do not feel offended by the way I am going to put things, girl, but it cannot be taken off in front of any people. I can only show myself without it to the closest people in my life, or to my own reflection.

She reflected on this.

- The closest people in your life… such as your relatives, or a spouse?

- Exactly.

Yua thought of this for a moment. So, not wearing that protector was like being naked in front of a stranger. It wasn’t something she would submit herself to; so why would she demand such thing from him, even though the rules of the sea didn’t apply to the land? But he still needed to treat that bruise, and his current conditions wouldn’t allow him to go too far without help.

The girl decided to reasonate with him.

- I wouldn’t want you to do anything embarrassing, of course – with her fingers, she put her hair behind her ear – But you see, we are alone here, and for all purposes and intents, your social etiquette is strange to me, so it wouldn’t make a difference if I saw you without your protector.

He frowned and his cheeks’ skin changed its tone to a green shade. Judging by the color of his blood, she understood that as a reaction equal to the human blush.

- Are you saying this because you are really oblivious to our culture – he started in a harsh tone – Or is it an excuse to satisfy some fetish of yours?

Yua opened her mouth, but no words left it. Did she really hear what she thought she heard? A sudden irritation grew inside her, and with much effort she managed to not give him a rude reply.

- I just did you a favor and this is what I receive for it? Suspicions? – she sighed and then hoped her own cheeks would not blush with what she was going to say next – Just to make things clear, whether you are wearing your forehead protector or not doesn’t make any difference to me because I am seeing everything I could expected to see from you right now – and looking at him up to down, to the edges of his tail – To me you are already naked.

If the seaman was already embarrassed before, now he stared at Yua with a scandalized look. In a nervous gesture he shook his tail, splashing wet sand and salty water to all directions; the girl protected her eyes with her hands.

- How can you say something so outrageous?! – he almost screamed in indignation – An honored individual of the sea people would never leave his house without being properly dressed!

Yua was still confused.

- But you are wearing no clothing at all!

Now the merman was about to lose his hope in her and her people.

- It seems that I will have to explain everything to you, then – his exasperation couldn’t be hidden.

- If you don’t want it, you don’t have to – she replied, not hiding her impatience.

But he explained it anyway.

- It might not seem like this to you, but the scales the cover the lower side of our bodies work as a natural protection. They are extensions directly grown out of our sensitive skin. It spares us from injuries, the damage of extreme environments and the inconveniences that bother you men of the land, who have to cover yourselves up with fabric, sometimes taken from other living creatures.

Yua stood in silence for a moment. In those words there were much information for one to process at once. First, the concept of being naked was something completely different to their people, even more than she expected. Second, while she knew nothing about his species regarding this, he seemed to have a reasonable knowledge of hers. That didn’t sound fair to her.

- Well, excuse me if I wasn’t expecting to have my people’s habits discussed and judged by the person who I just helped – she gathered the remaining seaweed and offered it to him – You can take this back now. Since you don’t need me anymore, you can just go back to your home and take care of yourself.

He didn’t take the plant, though. When Yua raised her eyes to him, she saw no more irritation in his traits now. When he spoke again, his tone was low and composed.

- Well, you are right. Perhaps I was too rigid towards you and your people. Allow me to apologize for my behavior.

And before the girl could find proper words to respond, she held her breath.

The sea man, so proud and secure about himself just a moment ago, bent down and put his hands on his face; when they moved away, they were holding the protector. He washed the blood on the sea water and looked at her. Yua could see his entire face for the first time. And it left her speechless.

Looking at his face was like looking at the sea itself if it had the face of a living being; it was a physical manifestation of the ocean. Despite the similarities with a human face, calling it human felt wrong, inappropriate, for the more she looked, less humanity she saw in him, this one being replaced with something else, for which she couldn’t find a name.

The red lines on his chin and cheeks were longer than she first imagined, almost touching his jawline, both steady and delicate in its shape as a combination of the wild and the rational sides of his nature, and the same pattern was found in the rest of his traits: his eyes, with their narrow, perspicacious format, his firm nose and his mouth with fine lips, almost as pale as the rest of his skin. The seaman was both old and young, abstract and sentient, unique as an individual and part of the water.

All of this was sensed by Yua in an instant. But she didn’t have enough time to deliberate: the new stream of blood falling from the injury and staining his skin shook her out of her contemplation and urged her to work. She took the seaweed and with the same gentleness as before, she covered the injury, which was more superficial than the one on his chest judging by the less frequent hisses from his part. She waited for a wave to approach them, put her hands under the water and cleaned the remaining drops of blood from his face.

Finally, she stated that her work was finished. Nothing lasted from the medicine that time. The girl washed her hands when a new wave reached their spot and shook them before trying to dry them in her already soaked clothes.

She observed in silence while he put back his protector, hiding the treated injury. When he asked if there was something wrong, she startled a bit, then smiled.

- Nothing. It’s just that… You’re beautiful.

He stared at her in silence; if trying to assimilate what she just said or surprised with the girl’s honesty, only he could tell. However, the bluish shade that came up to his cheeks convinced her that he was experiencing a combination of these two feelings.

The seaman looked away, affecting irritation.

- A silly concept of beauty, this one. It’s always expected that the highest ranked representatives of our Hidden Village’s Security show themselves in a presentable way.

At that point, Yua was no longer willing to argue over superfluous matters. It was obvious that this man had an elevated opinion of himself and that his current circumstances must have been a strike in his pride, which explained his salty manners since their first words were exchanged. From now on, his mood would be appeased as his injuries heal. In the end, she even started to find it funny.

- If it’s something so silly, there’s no use in getting irritated over it, right? – she laughed, then sighed – It was just a compliment. Why don’t you just accept it and move on?

He looked at Yua as if her suggestion was something that he could never think of by himself.

- Well, if it makes you content – he nodded in a ceremonial way – I accept your compliment. Thank you for finding me… beautiful.

The girl laughed even harder at his formality. But that time it didn’t seem to bother him.

Her apron, still in his hands and once white, was now entirely blue. He raised it and apologized for the staining it. She assured him there was no problem and explained that she had others as good as that one at home.

- You can keep it with you or get rid of it. Do as you please – she shrugged.

He glanced over his shoulder, to the sea, and raised one hand. It didn’t go unnoticed to her that the gesture made by him was similar to the common hand seals used by human shinobi. So the use of those arts were familiar to the people of the sea too?

At his gesture, a significant amount of water separated itself from the waves and ran toward them. Yua considered standing up and moving back, but the water calmed down even before reaching them. It raised to his hand’s reach, covered it and fell off, blending with the small waves as a part of them and leaving something white, shiny on it. He covered the object between his palms for a second, then he showed it to the girl.

It was a shell.

- I cannot remove the stains of your piece of fabric, but I can make amends for it – he offered the shell to her – Please, accept it as my apologies.

When Yua looked closer to the shell, she noticed a small pattern upon its polished surface. It was a mark. She turned to him, seeking for an explanation.

- I’ve put one of my seals on it. This seal is an essential part of my teleportation technique. If you ever need my help, you can hold it under the sea water. I will sense the seal’s location and come for you.

The girl didn’t know what to think of feel about that. She did nothing but a small favor to a person in need. Was her gesture worthy of such a debt?

She decided to refuse the offer.

- I’m sorry, but I can’t accept it – she showed her palms to punctuate her refusal – I’m happy that I was able to help you, but that���s too much! I can’t demand something like this from you!

He insisted.

- Listen. We, who live in the depths of the sea, have experienced war and violence during our whole recent history. Because of this, moments of peace and kind gestures like yours are valuable to us, and we do what we can to keep them in memory. This shell is a sign of our philosophy – he held the shell out to her for the second time – It is the appropriate way to show my gratitude for your time and effort in taking care of my injuries. So, please, accept it.

Yua looked at the shell again. She observed its elegant shape, the white bright on its surface dividing itself in thousands of colored rays at the pale light of that cloudy morning, and imagined what it would look like if it was directly touched by the sun. She had to agree with him: that single jewel of the ocean, so small in his hands, was indeed the perfect representation of one’s gratitude; if gentleness could be transformed into something concrete, it would certainly resemble that shell.

The seaman, seeing her hesitation, smiled.

- It is just a gift – and repeating her own words – Why don’t you just accept it and move on?

Finally, she raised her hands, her palms turned up, and let him put the shell upon them. She looked at it for a moment, then turned to him again.

- I can’t even describe its beauty. We don’t see things like this everyday on the land – and with a smile – Thank you.

He nodded, as if he felt that he could finally be in peace now that she said yes to his offer.

Yua looked ahead of him, to the waves.

- So… Do you need help to go back to the water?

- No – he looked over his shoulder, and part of the grin on his mouth was visible to her – I am not dead yet.

- What are you going to do? – she raised an eyebrow.

When he looked at the girl again, the grin turned into a genuine smile.

- I am going to ask you to stand up and take a few steps away from the water, girl of the land. It is for your own good.

She obeyed, despite her confusion. And what she saw made her feel glad that she did it.

The seaman united his palms and closed his eyes. The small, calm waves rolling near his spot started to rise and combine with each other, forming a large swirl that revolved around his spot.

It was an impressive sight. The air surrounding the swirl became so agitated, spreading salty drops to all directions, that she was forced to cover her eyes for a moment. When she was able to look again, she saw the seaman’s face through the water wall and opened her mouth in surprise: the image was clear; there was no sign of the blurry that should be expected when one sees something through agitated waters.

Yua didn’t hear anything but the sound of the swirl, but she could swear that the seaman’s lips moved to form the words “thank you” while she was looking, right before disappearing behind a wave.