#And before you go thinking otherwise I am very happy being autistic and I would not want to be neurotypical

[nahualnextdoor]

Character Analysis for Shitpost's Sake (long post; tw suicide discussion):

A funny haha, a whimsy silly image. Something I did in like 10 minutes...

Well behind the scenes I spent an entire night dissecting every episode and book paragraph in my head just to see what box fits what character (I take my silly guys very seriously and my shitposts should represent their characterizations accurately otherwise I'll kill myself).

So, here we go.

Active suicide risk: (literally anyone except Cleo and Six)

-Resus: Pretty obvious and intuitive in my opinion. Our favorite trans allegory emo boy that literally sleeps in a coffin. Hates pretty much every aspect of his life, thinks he's a disappointment to his family simply for existing (and sadly kinda is), and is pretty much fine with death as a whole (most of his friends already went trough it, after all).

-Luke: This one was also pretty obvious in my opinion. While not as clear cut or active as Resus, there was this one time where he decided to banish himself to the Underlands, no hesitation, as soon as he found out (or rather was made to believe) he attacked his parent. He's very often ostracizing himself over his lycanthropy hurting those around him, and for the major part of the book series he believed himself to be a burden for his parents. (Also he has like. Zero sense of self-preservation, at least in the tv show).

-Luella: Oh boy. Where do I begin with you girl. Just her living situation alone is sad enough, add in her attachment issues, her lack of control over her emotions, her crush on a guy that treats her... horribly, and her lack of any meaningful friendship in her life up until she became bffs with Cleo in s2. Honestly I'm just glad that by the end of s2 she's mostly content with her life the way it is, but still... at least on the episodes before she got her shit together, I'd say she's kinda worrying.

-Dixon: Yeah this guy's life is just hell lol. I'm not really getting any suicidal vibes out of him, but it is more than plausible.

10/10:

-Cleo: She's just... I love her 🙏🙏 Badass, one of the most interesting characters of the tv show in my opinion, autistic as fuck (they all are, but she's the one I relate to the most), curses the entire town in order to fix her problems and is pretty much happy despite being in an eternal sisyphean cycle.

Needs to retake the am I gay quiz:

-Resus: self explanatory I think. He really needs to get his shit together because I just cannot tolerate when he's all over Luella "oh luella I need your help with this spell and also brain drain dumped me in a wet cardboard box and killed my grandma 🥺🥺" and then going "well thanks for nothing, fuck u and ur stupid useless magic, also even tho we're nothing I will get all possessive over u at the slightest possibility of u liking Luke hey can we kiss to save the world btw" She deserves so much better than him omg. Boy you're queer!!! Leave her alone and just stay with the werewolf!!!

Cannibalised first in plane crash scenario:

-Resus: I just thought this was funny lol

Adderal prescription ASAP:

-Luke: Also pretty self explanatory. Lycantrophy is the magical equivalent of autism and adhd in this universe, I don't make the rules. Both in the books and in the show he's shown having a hard time focusing on class, finding it easier to just focus on his videogames. He spends hours playing on his console, to the point of ignoring his baisc needs, and is pretty hyperactive in my opinion, at least in the show. Really I wish they'd bring back the idea of Eeafa (or maybe even Luella) figuring out a potion or spell to help him manage his wild side, wich, to me at least, is not only his wolf self, but all of his neurodivergent tendencies in general (basically it would be magical meds that makes you have more control over the wolf form on top helping you study).

Missing person:

-Pretty much all the other kids from the books but I choose Kian because he's kinda the one that has the most relevance and the only one with an available image on the internet that is not a 3 pixels wide scan on the Internet Archive (still love them tho). He could potentially be on active suicide risk once he gets old enough to understand what happened to his parents tho, but thinking about that for more than 5 seconds makes me cry so I prefer not to.

And that is basically it! Thank you for listening to my ramblings and analysis of these silly little guys that keep rotating on my head like rotisserie chicken ballerinas. Next will probably be my still pending character analysis for why I assigned the slimes I did on my slime rancher post.

[johannestevans]

Hey! I have personally really enjoyed all the guides you have written about cruising, Grindr and your other sex guides. Would you be interested (or maybe I have completely missed this) about writing a guide to sex as a disabled person? I am personally very interested in sex but scared to join the party and cruising culture because of my disability, chronic pain and discomfort (and my questioning to how I can keep covid safe in hook up culture).

Hi there!

This was a complicated ask for me to receive, I think, because it made me very happy to be asked and that someone is asking and feels empowered to ask, but also I just don't feel I'm equipped to answer it - I think that in the past year or two I've been unpacking a lot of feelings about disability and particularly the ways in which I mask or just don't openly discuss disability with ableds and randoms, there's a lot of old anxiety and pain there for me that I'm just not done working with.

Basically, I'm not equipped, I don't think, to write more extensively about cruising and casual sex with disability in mind as I'm exploring it, especially as I've become a lot more disabled in recent years.

I will say that like... For me, what's been most positive in my sex life, and indeed my life as a whole, is being in community with other disabled people, and sex with other disabled people, particularly those who either have similar disabilities to my own and/or who have a lot of experience with others who are similarly disabled, means that they're going to be more aware of my potential limitations.

For me, being autistic and also having various issues - arthritis, some old injuries probably as a result of hypermobility or whatever, my asthma - means that I'm often not very cognizant of my limitations until I reach those limitations exactly, and then I'm immediately like, okay, I have to stop RIGHT NOW RIGHT NOW.

With other disabled people, autistic or otherwise, I don't have an issue tapping out like that - and with partners who aren't physically disabled or chronically ill, but are still autistic or otherwise neurodivergent, that's grand. But with like, normie hookups on Grindr? That's a lot more complex.

Like, I frequently don't use words like "arthritis" or similar, I might mention that I have an injury, but normally just that I prefer certain positions, until after we've had sex because of the ways in which people treat and desexualise disabled bodies - a while back I had a hook up, mentioned my arthritis after fucking, and he was immediately like, "Oh, there's this crystal healer on YouTube" etc lmao.

So yeah, I would recommend seeking community with other disabled people if you can - a lot of BDSM spaces and broader BDSM communities tend to have a lot of disabled people in them. Obviously a lot of the older veterans in these communities will become more disabled as they grow older, and so elder members (as in actually old and elderly, not Tumblr's definition of "elder" that's like 30+ lmao) of kink and queer communities, but also disabled people for various reasons are often drawn to kink and power play and different forms of sex work, and subsequently our expertise shows up a lot in these communities. You can always enter these spaces for the social benefits even if you're not interested in or able for harder play, etc.

One benefit about these is that there'll frequently be more online spaces or smaller, more limited munches - I obviously can't promise that people in your area will definitely be covid safe or even super covid aware, but you should at the very least be able to check these boundaries online before you approach them in person, or if you approach them at all, you know?

I did an interview with Transpired Media a few weeks ago, and part of mine and Anonsee Maytrix's discussion was about our respective experiences being desexualised as disabled trans people in queer communities, and while I don't have any more extended guides or similar, this video might scratch a bit of an itch?

But yeah, I just don't feel like I have more valuable advice or useful input, I'm afraid, as I'm still exploring my own feelings and limitations myself other than just... going stealth about being disabled.

I'd definitely encourage people to put their own resources in the replies and reblogs if they do desire!

[gretahayes]

but no yeah can we talk about neurodivergent cassie? i have talked about yj98 being so nd coded before (looks at kon, looks at tim, looks at bart) but we havent NEARLY talked about nd cassie enough!

she is an infodumper! its literally canon! she became a hero through the sheer power of will and autistic hyperfixation (something she and tim has in common oop-)!

cassie who hates certain textures. cassie with voice stims. cassie who sits weirdly in chairs because 'it feels better'. cassie who chews on her hair when it gets longer.

I NEED MORE OF NEURODIVERGENT CASSIE PLEASE!!!

NEURODIVERGENT CASSIE IS SO REAL TO ME like maybe it's just the pjo mindset of all demigods being ND but c'mon she special interest-ed her way into being Wonder Girl.

And let Cassie be the one that when she off-handedly mentions she's ND, she always gets the response "I didn't know you were autistic/adhd/ND!" or "you don't act autistic/adhd/nd" and she's always like :/ well I am. So. Not YJ though they could tell from the start. Just automatically.

She definitely sits on chairs weird because it feels right! And I need Cassie that was diagnosed super early so she knows she's ND and has always known she's ND and is utterly comfortable with it, as much as she's solid in the very basics of who she is.

She flaps her hands when she's happy and fiddles with stuff to pay attention and repeats phrases she likes and singlehandedly gets Donna to change the fabric of her costume because she can't touch it without physically recoiling and infodumps about Wonder Woman and listens to her friends' infodumps in turn.

Cassie who's wholefully confident in her abilities but also her drawbacks and accepts there's some things she could do, but would be really fucking difficult when someone else can do it for basically no strain because their brains are different (<- queen of delegating responsibilities) Cassie who gets frustrated despite, because the world isn't made for people like her, Cassie who gets overwhelmed and upset and lashes out but always apologizes afterward.

Cassie who's hyper-empathetic and quick to emotion, whether it be anger, tears or happiness, and her powers falter with those emotions she has to get under control. Cassie who's strong in all her beliefs but is malleable depending on the situation and the person trying to change her, but otherwise is impossible to budge.

And she's a weird kid! Unapologetically weird and odd and freaky with her closet full of clothes that make her happy and she thinks look cool and her Wonder Woman posters and her inability to not go along with Hermes' latest scheme or Apollo when he cries about their father.

Sorry for this ramble it's just!! Her!!!

[vividbadsquadreal]

🦇 for all of vbs maybe i'm very curious to see your opinions on this (@incorrect-queer-prosekai)

🦇 - would i rather this character be a vampire or a werewolf?

alright this is one of those times where before i say anything i need to clarify: i was a twilight fan when i was 12/13 and that has probably permanently affected my brain. also, i was team edward all the way so i may be a little bit biased, i will try not to be.

(me about to write this like an essay where you have to show both viewpoints /hj)

this got kind of long so actual opinions under the cut

kohane

on the one hand kohane loves animals which points to werewolf

on the other hand she has a really strong bond with count pearl, and snakes and vampires are similar in a way

also imagine her being drawn to an at the beginning of the main story bc her blood smells extra nice (like edward being drawn to bella in twilight (i am so sorry))

but also ofc vampires need blood to live and kohane would hate having to drink a living creature’s blood

yk how donated blood can only be kept for a certain amount of time before it has to get thrown out? kohane would steal the blood that won’t otherwise be used. it’s awful it’s like drinking stale milk but it’s enough to keep her going

her friends offer for her to have their blood consensually but she says no. this one time minori is so determined to help so she trips on purpose and is like oh no look at all this blood that i don’t need going to waste. if only there were a vampire here to put it to good use

why has this just become vampire!kohane hcs

YOU CAN SEE MY BIAS NOW CAN’T YOU

an

to keep this balanced, i’m going to go with werewolf an

werewolf!an and vampire!akito works super well in my head bc on the one hand an would scare akito on purpose but on the other hand an would be warm all the time and akito would be cold all the time so they would huddle for temperature regulation. (ofc this works for toya and kohane too but they’re happy to cuddle just to cuddle without the false pretences.)

an in her werewolf form knocks things off tables with her tail by mistake. all the time.

an moves in her sleep hc but worse. sometimes she turns into a werewolf in her sleep and doesn’t realise bc she wakes up human. she only realises bc when she wakes up her pillows and blankets and anything on her bedside table are all on the floor.

akito

akito’s is tricky because the thing is i can see both sides

on the one hand there’s something so funny about akito being afraid of dogs and then turning out to be a werewolf. but on the other hand him being afraid of dogs makes so much sense if he’s a vampire

he gets very little sleep (vampire coded) but he naps whenever he can (werewolf coded)

always cold (vampire) but consider him preferring being in his wolf form during the winter because his fur makes him warmer

vampire akito hating needing to rely on others to live (for their blood). werewolf akito hating needing to rely on others to make sure he doesn’t hurt himself or anyone else during a full moon

toya

i was torn on toya’s as well but ultimately i’m going for vampire. for funsies

toya is constantly dropping facts about random historical events but everyone just thinks he’s autistic and history is his spinterest

he would casually drop some fact about something super specific that happened 100 years ago and everyone would be like oh cool and move on

every time toya shows a sign of being a vampire people attribute it to autism. “he can’t have garlic sorry, i think it’s a texture thing” “sorry he never smiles with his teeth he’s bad at facial expressions” “he’s bad with social cues so he won’t enter your house unless you specifically say that he can”

[whenthechickencry]

Umineko EP4. Replay Part 4

This must have hurt Maria a lot even if Ange didn't mean anything bad by it... kids are really cruel to things they can't understand often.

I am pretty sure cage made of flesh is explicit wording used by Beatrice before too!

This is Ange at her most raw so far, she doesn't want to live. She doesn't want to keep going. She has no one on her side,,,,

And now we go back to Maria having her own breakdown over Ange's word to remind us that Maria truly is miserable. Having a 9? 8 at this point maybe? year old describe living as holding out is so heartbreaking....

It is interesting to see the contrast in how Maria and Ange do with magic when they are faced with a bad situation - Ange starts denying it entirely and Maria instead leans harder into it ie believing the Good and the Bad Mama thing. I don't think there's a right or wrong answer as to which is better, though, both are harmful to both in certain ways.

Maria brings up how NOT LONELY she is so you know she really ISN'T LONELY did you know Maria is NOT LONELY.

Maria is fucked up but then when the police WAS contacted. It just caused Maria's situation to escalate... obviously, I am not saying the good thing to do was ignore this obviously neglected child. Still, sadly that's the fucked up reality of how it is in real life for a lot of children who finally have their abuse reported.

Tearing up again.... this episode certainly takes the cake in that regard....

And yet, no one really helped Maria.... I don't know exactly the situation with abused children in Japan but I always imagined Rosa used her connections and money in order to keep Maria with her.

If you think about how Maria is very likely autistic, this is all the more horrifying, not that it would be good either way, but having someone be punished and be considered their way of being just for the way they were born is just too harsh.

The smile with which she says this is so fucking horrifying.

Beatrice is under the belief that Rosa made the toy, too.... it's funny, if she knew she could probably get it replaced for her....

Even at her lowest, she is still trying to not hurt the Rosa in her brain, haha....

You can judge Sayo for teaching Maria 'bad coping mechanism' and while, yes, it's probably not ideal for a child to have such thoughts, all her positive coping mechanisms were removed forcefully from her, so what option did Maria really have....

She does end up rethreading to that "naive belief" once the harsh truth of her parents murder is presented to her and she wants an alternate truth....

Yeah like getting dunked by a group of ~10 year olds anyways what Amakusa is saying is extremely important and true otherwise, and Ange really wants to be at that point where she can be happy with/satisfy herself, even with all her faults and trauma.

Ange's coming to important realizations about magic and how she has hurt others, something Battler will realize soon enough too... though I think her general view is not really correct, it's not that Maria was truly self-actualized in her life, it's that she constantly lied to herself about being like that. But she needed someone to understand and help her as she is not someone that would try to change her or remove her coping mechanisms bc they are strange.

Some people feel that Ange is too self-actualized for her to go back as she did in ep8, but like, I don't agree. First of all the temptation to deny her parents the murderers is strong and second even here she is still trying to find ways for her to be the fault for an incident that happened when she was 6. She still desperately wishes for control for her life and is still probably considering killing herself on Rokkenjima.

This is, ironically after talks about hating Beatrice, the sort of understanding Sayo always wished for. For someone to not only be able to respect her and her interests but also understand the deeper pain that lead to it.

"And while still unfulfilled, she met with death," Sadly describes most of the Umineko cast and that's always hard for me to think about for me...

B-battler? Okay, I gues... I am not sure George will appreciate that statement but I am sure Shannon appreciates the hint that maybe you didn't forget her after all (crushed hope on the end of this chapter)

Eeugh, I mean, Jessica didn't mean anything by it but it's kind of a cruel thing to say with full context....

Oh, I forgot about this, I guess Sayo just did her Krauss act in front of Maria...

Was it Sayo? They did solve it on like 30 mins when they really tried.... Also the hammy and crazy version of Kinzo is kind of entertaining lol.

The irony of all of this coming out of Nanjo's mouth when he's currently being both bribed to hide the death of his Dear Friend and being bribed to assist in a murder is funny.

Damn uh, yeah uh, yeah sure.

Rosa can't even be assed to prop Maria up in any way haha.....

Maybe I am biased but I think this is 100% more Sayo's view than anything Kinzo ever remotely thought, the "hoping for a magical miracle" combined with the test that are done later being about love....

Aka DO NOT DISMISS EVERYTHING VIRGILIA SAID PLEASE

This is so fucking funny to me? Uwaaaaaaah.

Immediately setting up both Beato and Gaaps' relationship and Beatrice's relationship with Beato, damn!

[littlelife-bigdreams]

Welcome to my blog :]

Good morning, afternoon, evening, or night! I'm Luca, otherwise known as Mr. Tomlinson, or "the librarian." Here are a few things you should know before interacting:

I am autistic! It's difficult enough for me to interpret tone in real life, so it would really mean a lot to me if tone tags were used for clarification :] I'm also semi-verbal, so if you have questions about that, feel free to ask!

I don't appreciate unkind attitudes or actions, so please be considerate and respectful when messaging or replying to me. This blog is not a place for hate.

If you have any questions about the library, ask them! I love my books just as much as I love talking about them.

I'm not as open around the kids about this, but I'm gay and happy with it! I'm not looking for a parter at the moment, though, so keep your virtual legs closed or I'm launching you off the face of the planet.

I have a condition known as Functional Neurological Disorder. It does what it says on the tin--there's a disorder with my neurological functions. It may be a point of contention within the healthcare industry, but it's very real and affects me daily. I'm more than glad to answer any questions about that as well, because Lord knows how many of my kids ask me about my crutches whenever I need them, lol.

OOC: Admin here! Hello! I'm Mitch, and Luca Tomlinson is my OC. Currently, he's in the FNaF Movie universe, alongside my friends' OC's, aptly titled The Fan-Fazgang.

Luca is 24 and a moderate-needs autistic. He's semi-verbal, and uses AAC and limited sign-language to communicate, unless he's comfortable enough to speak or deems it necessary for the situation he's in. He rarely masks, and because of this, the library is his dream job. A quiet environment, tons and tons of books, and easy, repetitive tasks that he loses himself in make him feel right at home. He got the job as a shot in the dark, as the previous librarian was retiring due to age, and Luca needed some form of income after moving back in with his mother, who herself was struggling.

Lo and behold, he got the job, and the town loves him! He mostly works with the schools in the area, as none of them have their own libraries, so his regulars tend to be children between the ages of 5 and 12. Due to trauma, he tries to keep himself scarce if any teenagers happen to stop by, but they've gotten nicer over the years. The kids are his favorite, though. They think Mr. Tomlinson is the coolest guy on the planet! At first, the parents thought he was an asshole (resting bitch face, thanks autism), but they immediately fell in love with him too after just a few visits.

Luca loves being a role model for the various disabled kids he sees throughout the day. Autistic kids, kids in wheelchairs, kids with crutches, ADHD kids--he loves teaching them and their parents about what it means to be disabled, and how it should be embraced. He's even made a little shelf where educational books about disabilities are stored, just in case someone wants to learn something new.

Deep down, Luca's biggest dream is to have a child of his own, someone he can love and support to help them become the best version of themself that they can be. Being the town's librarian is the closest thing he's got so far, and he can't help but flap his hands when he thinks about how exciting his future's going to be.

Luca loves life, and you should, too.

(Admin is 17, uses he/they/it, and lives in EST. Asks are open!)

[mitamicah]

Looked at more (almost all of them) of your ocs, so cute. They are adorable.

So cool, love the horns/antlers? And colourful hair, sea horses are cool.

This lil one is adorable, and very fascinating :3 love the hair, look like bunny ears which is so awwwwwwww.

Now my favourite quill, I love him so much, so freaking sweet and cute, chimeras are so cool and I have to know a few things.

1. does he like dressing up?

2. if he does what about dog costumes?

3. is it offensive that I want to put him into several dog outfits since he’s a chimera?

4. here are a few suggestions if it is not offensive :3

(Yes I know the shark one is a cat😺 but the ones with a dog didn’t looked as sweet 😭)

And can we get more quill facts? :3👀👀👀👀👀👀

Like are there more? He’s the adopted son of phoenix, is there a reason? Tragic backstory or just sweet like sugar?

Thanks for listening. And I hope this wasn’t too much :3

Why, thank you Jay ^V^ glad to see my babies getting some love :3

The rest of the reply will be under the line :3

Ah, that's Skari ^V^ he's pretty cool :3 it is indeed horns like those on a seahorse ... just a lot bigger x'D

Aww, you found little Val :3 I believe he is my newest closed species character (an original species created by another online creator that has given me permission to make a character in this species ^V^) I had a fun time designing him for sure :D bunny ears and all :3

Heck yeah, more love for Quill :D!! He is not usually one who gets a lot of attention so I am glad to see he caught your eye ^V^

Why then ask away :3

Quill haven't done a lot of dress up but like most else in live he is very happy and eager to try :3

Same as before - he is a happy boy who'd be open to try anything else dog costumes

I don't think so?

Oh these are cute :3 although I hope that Phoenix are allowed to make little adjustments for their friend since otherwise I fear Quill's secondary set of arms would feel very cramped in these :'D

Is there anything specific you'd like to know ^V^?

Depending on how much you've read already these might already be something you know :'D

Quill is part fruitbat, part deer, part dog, part praying mantis, part bird (could be a parrot given his ability to learn words) and possibly part snake.

Quill hasn't learned to speak in full sentences so he communicates with single words like "hi", "road" (his way of asking to go for a walk), and "bed" (his way of saying goodnight).

Quill has learned to weave with his secondary pair of arms (I call them his mantis arms).

Quill learns new words through echolalia which in short is that he echoes a word you say to him in the same tonality back at you (it is often seen with autistic people).

While Quill can speak a few words his vocal chords are actually better suited for high pitched bird like sounds so he is often found echoing bird twitter/song.

(if you want more and/or more deep cut facts than this let me know :'D

Oh no his story isn't that tragic :'D Quill was bred in captivity to be a housepet. Phoenix found Quill at a parisian adoption center where the little guy had been given up since nobody had wanted to adopt him from the breeder. Phoenix themselves being a chimera chose to adopt Quill as a sort of son. Quill is often seen helping Phoenix carry around their arrows (Phoenix are an archer amongst other things) - actually this is how Quill got his name. :3

Thank you for the questions ^V^ I hope you can use my answers :3

[quodekash]

HELLO I FINALLY HAVE TIME TO WATCH THE FIRST OS2 SIMM EPISODE 

im really hoping they do seanmaitee and not naysean for this, bc otherwise ill probably scream and riot. i love winnysatang with all my being, but their characters in this show shouldn’t be a couple in my opinion (if you ship them i have absolutely no problem with that). from memory (and i binged simm not too long ago so i think my memory is reliable), they’re literally only in the same room together once, and they dont even interact at all. SEANMAITEE, ON THE OTHER HAND, were SO CLEARLY being built towards in the show (the way maithee would hit on so many people, and sean would constantly stop him, but then when sean watched someone else hit on daonuea but didnt stop him, and the way sean always has a protective arm around maithee, and gejrdhfbghr i could talk about them forever honestly), and then the COWARDS freaking DIDNT MAKE THEM OFFICIALLY CANON???? im so salty about this and need confirmation and i will be Angry™️ if they do naysean instead of seanmaitee 

anyway, time for the actual commentary to begin (that was a really long introduction, damn) (future egg here to tell you: it gets worse. the commentary is really long on this one. it’s mostly keysmashes about seanmaithee. good luck.) 

THIS IS PROMISING, VERY VERY PROMISING, PLS P’NEW AND SCREENWRITERS AND GMMTV AND STUFF, DON’T CHICKEN OUT LIKE YOU DID LAST TIME 

im actually stressed out why am i stressed out 

im genuinely scared for what’s gonna happen 

what if they do naysean 

theyd better not do naysean, PLEASE 

grebghreb

(im literally 20 seconds in, why cant i just watch stuff without needing to spam my thoughts) 

THESE FLASHBACKS ARE SO SWEET 

SIMM HAS BEEN SITTING IN THE BACK OF MY MIND BC EVERY OTHER SERIES IVE WATCHED SINCE THEN HAS BEEN SO MUCH MORE BRAINROTTY THAN THIS ONE BUT I STILL LOVE THEM 

“i still love daonuea, i love daonuea, and i love daonuea” ITS SO FREAKING SWEET WHAT THE HELL 

this has definitely been said before by like everyone, but something i love about this series in particular is how kluen was terrible at showing his emotions and feelings and inner thoughts, he was this blank slate going around and showing nothing. but then, as the series progresses, he tries harder to show nuea that he likes him. but my boy doesnt have it figured out yet, and there’s communication errors and it seems like he’s pushing himself on nuea and it seems like an unhealthy/toxic relationship, but it’s not, he’s just autistic and doesnt know how to communicate his emotions and he’s trying for the first time and doing it wrong but he’s trying. and then it gets to the last episode (or two? i cant remember) and theyre so happy and fluffy and good vibes and its because he’s finally figured it out, he just has to say ‘i love you i love you i love you’ and even pronounce it to the world ‘I LOVE DAONUEA’ so that everyone knows and so that nuea knows and so that they can both finally understand and be happy and ghrbghrb they make me happy 

that was so incoherent but you probably get the gist of what i mean 

okay im gonna stop ranting now, im still only a minute into the episode lmao 

HELL YES THIS FREAKING INTRO 

MY FREAKING BOYS 

THEYRE COMING BACK NEXT WEEK 

ANJGHBERJDHGBERHJBGEHRAAAAAA 

sorry this post is supposed to be about simm, ill try to keep the eclipse keysmashes to a minimum 

AND PUENTALAY ARE COMING BACKKKK 

im much more excited about puentalay than i was last week since i rewatched vvs a few days ago 

NOOO THE LITTLE HAND KISS- IM GONNA CRY 

TINNGUNNNNN 

sorry i should stop freaking out about the shows that are coming and start freaking out about NUEAKLUEN THEYRE BACK HELLO MY BOYS 

GUY4ERGHKBER SATANG 

HELLO SATANG 

ILY 

ILY A LOT 

AND MAITHEE STANDING NEXT TO SEAN AND STARING DIRECTLY AT HIM LIKE THERES NOTHING ELSE IN THE WORLD HE SHOULD BE STARING AT?? THIS IS PROMISING 

kluen why are you slightly late 

he’s gonna profess his love for nuea in front of all the freshmen isnt he 

i know he’s gonna do it 

“that’s the hottest senior from the faculty of dentistry” yup. absolutely. he’s gonna profess his love in front of all the freshmen 

if he doesnt profess his love in front of all the freshmen, then im a bar-ba-loot from the lorax 

yUP

im shaking my head in a supposedly disappointed way rn but im actually smiling bc i love him 

he’s so pretty and in love with his pretty boyfriend and their love is pretty 

HIS FREAKING SHIPPER FACE 

SEAN’S KNOWN FOR LONGER THAN ANY OF THEM AND I FREAKING LOVE HIM 

omg he did like a little sway and nudged maithee a little bit with his shoulder ghjerbgdh 

by the way im gonna switch between spelling it maitee and maithee cos idk which one is right so im playing both sides, so you’re just gonna have to deal with that 

(there’s a high likelihood that no one’s noticed the spelling alternations and now that ive pointed it out everyone’s gonna be hyperaware of it, but its fine) 

he knows what he just did 

“i just wanted to make it clear from the start in case some freshmen hit on you” i love him 

also i was about to say that kluen is supposedly the hottest senior, so shouldnt he be more worried about himself getting hit on, but then i remembered that in this universe dao is the sun and everyone else is the solar system revolving around him, so of course the freshmen would try to hit on him lmao 

except for sean. 

sean’s a moon revolving around maitee 

THE HANDS THE FREAKING HANDS LOOK AT THEM HOLDING HANDS 

I KNOW THEYRE DATING AND THEY HAVE BEEN FOR LIKE A YEAR 

BUT I JUST LOVE HOW THEYRE SO OPEN AND FREE AND HAPPY AND IN LOVE AND I LOVE THEM AND THEY LOVE EACH OTHER AND I SWEAR IM OKAY (im not okay) 

“but after meeting you again, i knew i must start loving you. there’s no way i will let go of you again” THIS MAN IS GONNA MAKE ME FREAKING CRY WHAT THE HELL THAT’S SO FREAKING SWEET 

THEY LOVE EACH OTHER 

AND IT’S SO RAW AND PURE AND GHJRBDGHRB 

HIS FREAKING SMILE, HE LOVES HIM SO MUCH 

“you’re shy, so you’re walking away, darling” dARLING-- IM DYING 

fun fact, i was watching vice versa with italian subtitles and at one point one of them called the other ‘darling’, which is ‘tesorino’ in italian, and i knew that the suffix -ino means ‘little’, so i looked up what ‘tesoro’ means and it’s ‘treasure’, whcih means if you’re calling someone darling in italian youre calling them ‘little treasure’ and i just think that’s so sweet 🥺😭

I LITERALLY JUST GASPED 

THEYRE STANDING NEXT TO EACH OTHER 

AND IT’S MAITHEE’S ARM AROUND SEAN INSTEAD OF THE OTHER WAY AROUND???? PLEASE TELL ME THAT MEANS WHAT I HOPE IT MEANS 

HE’S SO FREAKING HAPPY, IT MAKES ME HAPPY 

CONTAGIOUS HAPPINESS 

GRJKGB

ARE WE ABOUT TO GET A FULL FREAKING SCENE WITH THEM??? 

or am i clowning 

i was expecting just crumbs but pLEASE TELL ME THEYRE GIVING US A FULL SCENE 

PERHAPS EVEN TWO SCENES 

honestly just let pawin’s characters be happy and gay 

also i find it funny that the order theyre going in is the first three are all of pawin’s in a row 

(and in all of them he’s gonna get a happy and gay side character plot line??? please????????) 

gosh darnnit nuea is in the scene now 

perhaps there will be something later in the episode? maybe in tonight’s episode?? 

THE SHOULDERS THE ARM AROUND THE SHOULDERS IS PAWIN FINALLY BECOMING MORE PROTECTIVE OF SEAN IS HE FINALLY REALISING HIS FEELINGS FOR SEAN AND/OR FINALLY BECOMING OPEN ABOUT HIS FEELINGS FOR SEAN PLEASE TELL ME THAT’S WHAT THAT IS 

THE ARM AROUND THE SHOULDERS IS A METAPHOR 

OR SOMETHING 

MAYBE 

let me dream, okay

ya know who else ignores everyone and focuses only on the person he loves intently? sean 

maithee why is your voice so croaky 

is that just pawin putting on a particular voice for the character 

or was pawin sick 

or is maithee sick 

if its one of the last two, i hope he’s okay (be it the character or the actor) 

so... the croaky voice was intentional? 

THE L O O K 

sidenote, satang is so freaking pretty. why. who decided that. 

MAITEE ARE YOU COPYING THEM??? PLEASE TELL ME YOU’RE COPYING THEM 

SEAN WHY DID YOU LEAN AWAY YOUVE BEEN IN LOVE WITH HIM FOR YEARS 

it’s the fate of The Captain 

just ask tiw, he knows how it feels 

or wat, also ask wat 

or aoi and jack 

or- sorry ill stop lmao 

kluen arent you a dentist. why are you sitting at nursing. 

idk how dentist school works 

did he have to go through nursing stuff to get to dentisting? 

im an arts and literature kid, idk what im talking about 

OMG, STRAIGHT PEOPLE?? 

this is a rare phenomenon, folks 

hello straights / straight presenting potential future couple 

omg its literally been nearly an hour since i started watching and im still only 8 minutes into the episode 

OR, PERHAPS, LESBIANS??? 

there could be anything, really 

in my mind, every single character in ever single piece of media is pansexual until proven otherwise 

bro you’re leaning into each other so much, JUST KISS 

also i sense that sean’s about to become the unwilling captain of yet another ship (but he secretly loves it) 

kiss. 

lmao theyre not sponsored by the anime sparkling water, it’s just normal water, the little plebs 

soundwin were sponsored by the anime sparling water 

and then tiwpor were

but soundwin did it first 

soundwin always did it first 

anyway, it’s seanmaithee time not soundwin time 

KISS. (again, the frEAKING ARM OVER THE SHOULDER GHBRHGB) 

there was a slight scene change and i thought that meant that maybe we wouldnt see much of them for a while, but nOPE, THEYRE EVERYWHERE 

i wouldnt be surprised if they were behind me right now 

hello seanmaitee, how are you today 

(i wish) 

lmao they even blurred the water bottles in post just so that everyone knows that THIS ISNT A SPONSOR 

THEY BACK TO THEIR ROOTS, SEAN’S HAND ON MAITEE’S SHOULDER 

BRO YOU’RE ALWAYS SMILING AT HIM IN MOMENTS WHERE IT DOESN’T FEEL LIKE IT FITS THE CONTEXT TO BE SMILING AT HIM 

YOURE IN LOVE WITH HIM 

KISS HIM 

“you two see that kluen and i are in love, but let me tell you that-” THAT YOU TWO ARE ALSO IN LOVE???? “we actually love each other much more than what you see” DANG IT I WAS WRONG 

im right tho. seanmaithee are in love. 

HES SO UNNECESSARY AND DRAMATIC, I LOVE HIM SO MUCH 

im sorry what the hell does that mean 

omg maybe its because he knows how to make people jealous because he knows that he’s always made sean jealous and he knows that now because theyve already confessed to each other and theyre already dating??????? 

im definitely clowning but shut up i dont care 

whoop, helmet putting on time 

(guess what, soundwin did that first too-) 

i smell a sponsorship in this motorbike thingy 

this makes me so happy 

why does this make me so happy 

he knwos him so well and knows he loves art and stuff 

so he wants to take him to buy watercolour

i love them 

i love them so much 

grhgbtrhbgfr

OH HE EVEN KNEW HE WAS RUNNING OUT OF WATERCOLOUR??? BROOOOOO 

theyre so sweet 

sorry im tryna take the commentary down a notch because this is long enough already lmao 

FINALLY, IM FINISHED 1/4 

THAT TOOK WAY TOO LONG 

IT WAS ONLY LIKE 15 MINUTES LONG AND ITS BEEN OVER AN HOUR SINCE I STARTED 

omg i just remembered i forgot to watch the mv for the ost for this 

i was gonna do it like four times yesterday but i kept getting distracted and forgetting 

dang it 

OMG OISHI SPONSOR 

I FREAKING LOVE OISHI SPONSORSHIP SEGMENTS 

THEYRE MY FAVOURITE SPONSORSHIPS AND I CANT EVEN EXPLAIN WHY 

is it just bc i love ice tea? that could very well be it 

lmao nueakluen stirring things up just to make seanmaitee confused this is so funny 

im loving this storyline 

we’ve barely seen it play out yet but i want typhoon to be happy and this is so nice 

lmao what girls 

seanmaithee are in love with each other, bro 

aweeee little accidental kiss 

FOREHEAD KISS 

“CAN I KISS YOU” 

and he asked in ENGLISH 

its always so offputting whenever they speak english for like one sentence bc im never expecting it 

i love it

but also i hate it 

why are you speaking english 

stop speaking this rubbish language 

it sucks 

a lot 

its the worst language 

keep speaking thai, please 

AWW KISSEEEE 

“of course” STOP IT WITH THE ENGLISH, PLEASE 

AWWWWWEEEEEHBRDHFGBREHJDG KISSSSSS THEY KISS 

HAPPY 

“you only kissed one cheek so i only open one eye” hes so silly (affectionate) i love him 

brEAKFAST IN BED??? 

EGWSVFHGSGV “will you eat breakfast first or eat me first” bro 

THE FAKE DRAMA THEYRE STIRRING UP- THIS IS SO FUNNY WHAT THE HELL 

GEIRHBDGHREDB TYPHOON AND... i forgot her name. the girl. TYPHOON AND THE GIRL THEY MEAN SO MUCH TO ME 

shes so pretty 

THE FAKE ARGUMENTS 

ITS SO FUNNY 

KLUEN’S GETTING SO INTO IT HIS ANGER LOOKS SO REAL OMG 

mIN, THAT’S HER NAME, MIN 

“if this thing makes them break up, let’s get ordained, shall we?” the way this is worded it sounds like some kind of marriage proposal 

“i told you i already have a date with a girl” NOOOOOOOOO

noooooo, maithee had a date with a girl, and the only other person other than their group that’s going on the trip thing is nay, and theyre definitely gonna do a naysean thing, gosh freaking darnnit 

unless they dont 

unless maitee only had the date so that he could try and get over his feelings for sean bc hes convinced himself sean doesnt reciprocate, but my hopes are not high 

BUILDING A HOUSE TOGETHER???? PLEASEEEEE 

theyre so freaking in love i love them so much 

LITTLE KISSE i love when they little kisse 

damn its over now 

NOOOOO IN THE PREVIEW THERES A SUPER CLEAR NAYSEAN THING 

I LOVE WINNYSATANG A LOT BUT WHY CANT IT BE SEANMAITHEEEEEEEE 

pls i just want pawin’s characters to be happy and gay in every single os2 episode that he’s in 

and because seanmaithee hAVE to be together 

AAAAAA

welp i take too long to watch things and now the next episode comes out in a little under 2 hours, and i started watching this about two hours ago so thats fun 

[m-joys]

Hi! I’d love a Mystic messenger matchup please >//< ! ( I don’t know if I sent this matchup request to you before but still >x< )

I’m a fictoromantic demisexual girl who has survived sexual abuse. I’m autistic; usually aloof, quiet, timid yet peaceful and mysterious.

But once you get to know me I’m quirky, childish, just and passionate!

I usually try to keep my heart soft and sweet by watching romantic and fluffy anime and dramas (without romance and magical girl anime my heart would’ve been hidden under a wall of stoicism).

I love love, happiness, romantic songs, animals , plushies, festivals, sweets, electro swing and magic! I love writing love letters and poetry and I’m an INFP, capricorn sun libra moon zodiac.

While I am very loved, I can be very insecure.

I’m a considerate sweet lady whose love language is acts of service, physical touch and words of affirmation. Otherwise I’m kinda socially awkward and timid.

Feeling protected, accepted and cherished is very important to me; otherwise I feel neglected and unloved. I often felt unsafe in my own body due to having been traumatized and still suffer from panic attacks and hallucinations every now and then and I need someone who’d accept me and love me for all of who I am.

Cause there are days I’ll be numb and empty, or snarky and upset. Days when it’ll feel like the world inside me is suffering from raging storms of rage and grief. When I’m angry or upset I feel it intensely and sing along to punk rock songs about rage and violence. (Though it happens seldomly, most of my anger is geared towards the stalker that abused and raped me and the flashbacks I go through)

Sadly, I’ve already experienced my worst fears; being abused, having been controlled and gaslighted. There are days when I wish he was dead, when I wish I could avenge myself but mostly I just want to be happy again. To be surrounded by kind people who love me dearly and have him meet his own desolate karma, leaving him desperate and broken hearted.

But still. I love romantic love letters, romance k-dramas, anime and cuddling. My ideal date would be the amusement park and volunteering at an animal shelter or going to an animal cafe.

I am very idealistic and romantic, and filled with so much light and happiness but also have days where my trauma haunts me and makes me so depressed and chaotic inside.

Sometimes I have trouble controlling my deep emotions and I can get, as I said, very chaotic while on other days I’m an emotionless brick, ((filled with wrath towards abusers and depression towards the abuse that still haunts me.))

My hobby is volunteering at animal shelters, watching anime, writing poetry, listening to music and playing video games.

I kin Mei Tachibana from Say I Love You and Sawako from Kimi Ni Todoke.

Hey girlie, sorry for the wait, I think your match would be definitely Yoosung!

[sampauwelsschrijft]

Mijn ‘eerste’ autistische meltdown (en het verschil tussen meltdowns en paniekaanvallen)

Toen ik voor het eerst over autisme begon te leren en las over meltdowns, dacht ik dat dat iets was dat ik niet had… tot ik twee weken later mijn ‘eerste’ meltdown had en besefte dat het helemaal niet mijn eerste was.

Ik was 18 jaar oud en ik zat in het laatste jaar van de middelbare school. Ik wist al dat ik autistisch was, maar ik had nog geen officiële diagnose.

Waar ik leef, vieren de meeste scholen samen met hun zesdejaars de laatste honderd dagen van het schooljaar, want tja, waarom zouden we niet vieren dat we nog maar honderd dagen door hel moeten?

Mijn school vierde ‘honderd dagen’ met onder andere een fuif georganiseerd door de zesdejaars, een show georganiseerd door de zesdejaars waarbij de hele school zich verkleedde, en een ontbijt en activiteiten georganiseerd door de school voor de zesdejaars. De show en de activiteiten gebeurden op dezelfde dag, in de voormiddag hielden de zesdejaars hun show voor de andere jaren en leerkrachten, waarna de school hen trakteerde op een ontbijt en bussen hen naar hun activiteit brachten.

De meeste zesdejaars gingen de avond daarvoor uit. Het was voor velen een soort traditie om ’s avonds de laatste trein naar een grote stad te nemen en pas ’s ochtends met de eerste trein terug naar huis te gaan. De meeste leerlingen waren dan ook dronken op de dag van de activiteiten, en degene die dat niet waren hadden een kater. Het was niet zeldzaam voor leerlingen om na de show naar huis te gaan en niet op te dagen voor de activiteiten in de namiddag. Ik weet niet of dat voor mij een goed of een slecht ding was, want ik was die dag ook iemand die tussen de twee gebeurtenissen naar huis ging, maar bij mij was dat niet vanwege alcohol.

Ik en mijn vrienden deden het een beetje rustiger aan. We keken een film, aten pizza (nou ja, ik at chocolade mousse want ik kon op dat moment niet goed eten en ik zal later nog wel vertellen waarom), en bleven dan bij een van hen slapen.

Het was een erg leuke avond. Sommige mensen denken dat autistische mensen geen nood hebben aan sociale contacten, maar dat is niet waar. Het is enkel zo dat we snel moe worden van sociale situaties. Dat zal later nog belangrijk worden.

’s Ochtends verkleedden we ons als piraten, daar had ik erg naar uitgekeken. De honderd dagen show was de enige dag van het schooljaar waarop ik me kon kleden zoals ik wou (vanwege de strenge regels rond kleding die op mijn school gelden :( ) en ik had voor die dag een Killstar jurk met korset op de achterkant, kanten handschoenen en gestreepte kniekousen mee.

We vertrokken dan naar school. Dat deden we met de fiets, wat voor mij een probleem was aangezien is heel snel last krijg van mijn astma als ik fiets, maar mijn vrienden hielden daar goed rekening mee en het zorgde niet voor problemen. Ik was een beetje buiten adem toen ik op school aankwam, maar ik had het al veel erger ervaart.

We lieten onze spullen achter in de kleedkamers en verwelkomden de leerlingen van andere jaren met confetti, slingers en andere dingen die we naar hen gooiden, waarna de show begon. Ik had zelf geen act in de show, dus ik moest enkel toekijken terwijl ik met mijn vrienden praatte en lachte. Alles verliep prima.

We ruimden op en vetrokken naar de eetzaal voor het ontbijt dat de school organiseerde. Ik at niet veel. Ik nam een paar happen van een koffiekoek en gaf de rest aan een vriendin. Ik had net blokjes gekregen, en hoewel mensen maar bleven zeggen dat je prima kan eten met blokjes, ben en blijf ik autistisch. Ik kan me niet zo gemakkelijk aanpassen aan nieuwigheden als neurotypische mensen, en mijn brein weigerde te bijten. Vandaar dat ik de avond daarvoor chocolademousse gegeten had in plaats van pizza (wat ik eerlijk gezegd niet erg vond want ik houd van chocolademousse en pizza is maar pizza, sorry papa.)

Na het ontbijt hadden we een half uur tot de bus naar onze activiteit (ik en de meeste van mijn vrienden hadden paintball gekozen) vertrok. Ik besloot om in die tijd snel naar huis te gaan zodat ik yoghurt kon eten om onder andere mijn medicatie te nemen (daarvoor moest ik eten), want ik had geen zin in paniekaanvallen tijdens de paintball.

Dus ik nam mijn fiets en ging naar huis, waar ik yoghurt uit de koelkast nam, en alles verliep nog steeds prima. Ik had helemaal niet door dat mijn brein op dat punt vreselijk vermoeid was. Ja, ik was bang over de paintball want ik heb een angststoornis en alle onbekende dingen zijn doodeng, maar tot dan toe was alles goed verlopen dus ik dacht niet dat er een probleem zou zijn.

Tot ik een lepel liet vallen en ik letterlijk instortte. Plots was alles me te veel. Het voelde alsof mijn brein explodeerde en plots kon ik niet meer nadenken.

Ik deed het enige dat me op dat moment logisch leek, en ik vluchtte. Ik rende naar de winkel van mijn ouders, waar zij op dat moment aan het werken waren, en begon huilend te schreeuwen dat ik niet terug naar school wou gaan.

Eens ik gekalmeerd was besloot ik mijn vrienden een berichtje sturen dat ik niet naar de paintball zou komen en dat ze de leerkrachten moesten verwittigen, maar zodra ik aan het typen was, wist ik niet wat ik hen precies moest vertellen. Wat was er met me gebeurd? Ik had gewoon een lepel laten vallen en het had zo’n invloed op me gehad?

Ik zei uiteindelijk dat ik bijna flauwgevallen was en voor de zekerheid thuis wou blijven. Het was geen vreemde situatie. Ik had regelmatig last van een lage bloeddruk, ik was al een paar keer flauwgevallen en ik had de laatste paar dagen niet veel gegeten. Ze zouden het niet raar vinden als dat mijn reden was om niet terug naar school te gaan.

Het was pas later die dag dat ik besefte wat er werkelijk met me gebeurd was. Ik had een meltdown gehad. De vermoeidheid van een hele avond met vrienden praten, het slapen op een onbekende plaats, het fietsen terwijl ik wist dat ik dan gemakkelijk buiten adem geraakte, het geschreeuw van alle leerlingen tijdens de verwelkoming, de luide muziek van de show, de beugel waardoor ik niet kon eten, de angst die ik bij al die dingen voelde en uiteindelijk de lepel die viel. Alles had zich in mijn brein opgestapeld tot ik het niet meer aankon en mijn lichaam een staat van vechten of vluchten betrad: een meltdown.

En ik realiseerde me op dat moment dat wat ik twee weken daarvoor gedacht had verkeerd was: ik had wel degelijk al meltdowns gehad. Ik had ze alleen altijd bestempeld als paniekaanvallen, omdat ik nooit geweten had dat ik autisme had en nooit de juist vocabulaire gehad had.

Maar nu kon ik het verschil zien en kon ik een duidelijk onderscheid maken tussen paniekaanvallen en meltdowns. Tijdens een paniekaanval had ik nog een relatieve vorm van controle, tijdens een meltdown verloor ik alle controle over mijn gedrag, mijn gedachten of mijn gevoelens.

Een voorbeeld om dat praktisch uit te leggen is een situatie toen ik vijftien jaar oud was en een paniekaanval meteen gevolgd door een meltdown had.

Ik zat in de les en had een paniekaanval, zoals ik in die periode vrijwel dagelijks had (ik wist het toen nog niet, maar bij nader inzien kan ik je vertellen dat ik toen een autistische burn-out had). Ik begon te paniekeren, maar ik had nog genoeg controle om mijn hand op te steken om de leerkracht te verwittigen, om met iemand anders naar het secretariaat te gaan en om naar de EHBO ruimte te gaan.

De meltdown gebeurde iets daarna terwijl ik wachtte tot mijn moeder me kwam halen. Een medewerker van het secretariaat kwam me vragen of ik ondertussen wist wat ik had, want zij zagen ook dat ik regelmatig thuis bleef en regelmatig in de EHBO ruimte belandde.

Ik weet nu dat ik toen een autistische burn-out had, maar op het moment zelf was het allemaal een mysterie, ook voor de huisdokter, die eerst dacht dat ik klierkoorts had, maar dat bleek fout te zijn na een bloedtest.

Toen de secretariaatsmedewerkster dat vroeg, klapte ik dicht, want ik wist ook niet wat er mis met me was, en de dingen die ik wel wist wou ik haar echt niet vertellen. Lessen missen omdat je een virus had was allemaal goed en wel, maar lessen missen omdat je constant dacht dat je ging flauwvallen en daardoor panikeerde was iets helemaal anders op mijn eerder ‘traditionele’ school.

De secretariaatsmedewerkster begon aan te dringen, en het klonk op dat moment heel erg alsof ze niet eens geloofde dat ik echt ziek was en dat ze dacht dat ik alsof deed om aan lessen te ontsnappen. En ik begon te huilen.

Toen ik even daarvoor een paniekaanval gehad had, had ik dat goed verborgen. Ik had enkel gezegd dat ik me niet goed voelde en was op een rustige manier naar het EHBO lokaal gegaan. Maar nu kon ik dat niet. Wat het ook was dat ik op dat moment voelde, ik kon het niet verbergen. Ik begon luid snikkend te huilen. Mijn brein was nu niet aan het panikeren, het was oververhit, en het functioneerde niet meer. Ik kon de huilbui niet tegenhouden en ik kon geen vat krijgen op mijn eigen gedachten. Het enige dat ik kon denken of zeggen was ‘ik wil naar huis’, opnieuw en opnieuw, tot ik non-verbaal ging en het vermogen om te praten ook volledig verloor.

Dat gevoel van mijn brein dat explodeerde, was iets dat ik altijd bestempeld had als een paniekaanval. Ik dacht gewoon dat het een ergere paniekaanval was dan de andere ‘echte’ paniekaanvallen. Maar er is wel degelijk een verschil tussen de twee.

Het zijn allebei vecht- of vluchtreacties, maar een paniekaanval is uit mijn ervaring enkel een gevoel. Je voelt dat overweldigende gevoel van angst alsof je in levensgevaar bent en je lichaam reageert daarop met hartkloppingen, hoofdpijn, misselijkheid, rillingen, etc, maar je kan nog steeds genoeg nadenken om te weten dat je een paniekaanval hebt en dat je niet echt in gevaar bent.

Een meltdown is anders. Je hebt de angst, je hebt de lichamelijk reacties, maar daarbovenop klapt alles dicht en wordt logica de deur uitgegooid. Die angst is het enige gevoel dat je nog hebt, en alles in de omgeving lijkt op een mogelijke dreiging. Het enige waar je nog aan kan denken is het feit dat je moet vluchten of vechten. Dingen zoals schaamte of de wens om andere niet ongemakkelijk te maken zijn er niet meer, en als ze er wel zijn, maken ze alles alleen maar erger.

Er is dus wel degelijk een verschil tussen meltdowns en paniekaanvallen, en dat is een van de redenen dat mijn autismediagnose het beste ding in mijn leven was. Nu heb ik de kennis en de woordenschat om een verschil te maken tussen paniekaanvallen en meltdowns, en kan ik meltdowns voorkomen door beter te letten op de staat van mijn brein en mezelf op tijd uit bepaalde situaties te verwijderen.

Het leven is inderdaad veel beter als je een naam hebt voor wat je bent ^^.

[teaboot]

Hey I just wanted to ask you something I don't know if its personal so maybe I'll start with me, my psychiatrist told me that I have asperger's syndrome and like my mom keeps asking me like what does that means because I think she sees people with autism as stupid and I'm at the top of my class so she feels like it's a mistake, I personally go mute for months sometimes except for like oral tests, and idk I forget about having a body and so I hit onto walls when I'm focused on something but *

"...*is not so exaggerated like I'm pretty functional I just forget that there are walls and doors and that I can't just transport me to the other room or so,I mean I feel like I'm just trying to find what my "weird or autistic" traits are to justify the diagnosis,I didn't asked my psychiatrist to elaborate on that and so I was wondering, what would you say that your autistic traits are?Also just in case,I know that autistic people can be hella smart and I think that you are really wise I admire you"

Thank you so much, that's very sweet of you to say!

Honestly, I'm sort of in a similar situation- My parents' reaction was to say, "you're too smart to be autistic" or, "Everyone of ~your intelligence~ is a little weird in the head, anyways", and then. Expect me to live up to all the positive stereotypes without ever getting bogged down by the negative realities?

This might not be very helpful at all of me to say, but as an adult who grew up in a rather unpleasant environment, there really isn't much help for a number of things except getting old and independant enough to move out, and then just accepting that their perception of reality isn't open to negotiation. You can try debating it, or meeting them on common ground with scientific basis, but in my case....

....well. There's just some things I now know not to talk about at family gatherings.

I'm sorry, I know that's probably not very helpful or heartening to hear. 

As for my personal grab bag of symptoms? I tend to hyperfocus on personal projects. When I'm really invested in an art piece, I often forget to eat or sleep or drink, and the only way I've learned to snap out of that is that if my hands are shaking or I'm falling over a lot, I probably need to eat something and lay down for a while, because otherwise- and yeah, not the healthiest motivator- otherwise I might start fucking up my hard work.

I also get overwhelmed by overlapping noises- if two people are talking at once, even if one is on a radio or TV show, I can't hear either of them and it stresses the shit out of me. White noise, like in malls or assemblies, also tends to burn my energy pretty fast.

Things like leaf blowers, people whistling indoors, and emergency sirens are physically painful. Repetitive noises like a bouncing rubber ball, sniffling, dogs licking things, and low-frequency vibrations from massage chairs, earthquakes, distant bass music, and some fluorescent lighting systems are impossible to ignore, which ranges from irritating to distressing, depending on my headspace du jour.

I hate bland food with a passion. It tends to make me nauseaus. I like lots of spice, lots of sugar, lots of sour and hot and acidic. I love strong flavours, and if I'm cooking for friends and family I often have to remind myself to tone down the seasonings for them.

Some textures make me genuinely ill, too- most types of meat, fat, and other animal bits result in.... Bad times for all. Polyester towels suck ass. Microfiber cloth. Thick cotton knit material. Any fabric covering my forearms. Thin, elastic denim. Vinyl. Polar fleece.

On the flip side, I looooove woven cotton blankets. Cotton sheets, cotton bedding- cold, heavy duvets are good, too. Acrylic, so long as it doesn't get damp. I have.... Perhaps a little bit of a problem here, as I do... Maybe, possibly, get a little impulsive with buying rugs, throws, and blankets when I come across one that feels right.

All my cups and bowls are handmade out of clay. I'm OK with smooth ceramics, but stoneware feels happy in my hands. I think of it as a treat, like packing a bit of chocolate with my lunch, or eating a whole bag of popcorn by myself. Again, I.... May go a little overboard when I come across A nice-feeling piece of dishware.

Basically, from what I understand, a lot of folks on the spectrum are under and over stimulated by various sensory inputs.

Me, I gravitate towards taste, inertia, tactile sensation, temperature, and dark lighting, while I find myself avoiding, limiting, or minimizing sound, light, color, oral texture, and smell.

As for more stereotyped behaviors, I find organizing things such as legal documents, filing cabinets, paint swatches, hardware, coins, stones, or colors to be very soothing and almost meditative. I go through special interests fairly often, and have been 'into' things like animals, insects, natural history, and art since before I could walk. I can't explain why they're such alluring subjects, they just make me happy.

I didn't realize until recently that I do stim, as well- I rock, sway, growl, swish water around, hang upside-down, rotate my thumbs, rub fabric, twirl coins, and flex my hands. I also (rarely) seem compelled to jump up and down in circles very fast when I'm particularly excited, or flap my arms against my sides like a penguin.

When I'm overstimulated, I go.... I'm not sure if you could call it 'nonverbal'. I get the feeling I COULD speak, it's just.... Overwhelmingly difficult. Usually I find a dark space or a corner away from people, put a coat or something over my head, cover my ears, close my eyes... Sometimes deliberate eye contact is hard, or I can't say more than one or two words at a time, or I find myself relying more on a hum or a grunt to communicate that I'm listening.

It... Probably all sounds weird to a neurotypical who may be reading, but I'm perfectly happy with myself as I am. I wouldn't change it if I could, except perhaps to minimize some of the more irritating things.

Mostly, my biggest peeve is being treated like a cool new pet or accessory. "Oh, this is my person with Autism- they're great at cleaning, you should get one!"- yeah, that can fuck right off. I'm right here, I can hear you, I'm a person. A little respect goes a long way.

But, whoops, here I've gone on a ramble- you want the best advice I have, though? Become comfortable with the person you are. Accept and seek out what things bring you happiness. Don't get hung up on the negatives. Love your experience, if you can, and don't worry about validating anything- you are who you are, and the words we use to explain ourselves fall so, so short when faced with the complexity of our individual existence.

The way I see it, the day before your diagnosis is the same as today, you just have one more tool to understand yourself with. The decision of how and if you choose to explain this to those around you is entirely yours to decide! 

I know this kind of went off the rail of your question. My answers are a little limited. I hope I could help anyways! Good luck!!

[normal-thoughts-official]

Alec is deeply in love with Magnus and he also just doesn't imagine not being this in love with him, so he's intense (and honest with big actions but not words) but Magnus doesn't really believe it at first, not in the sense that he thinks alec is lying on purpose just that it will pass ("it always pass") or he's accidentally exaggerating ("alec is just like this"). Since Alec thinks it just makes sense that he's this in love with Magnus ("who wouldn't be") he doesn't realise Magnus doesn't fully believe/gets how much he loves him until Magnus is finally present when Alec's about to do something stupid to save/help him or when Catarina sees the way he looks at Magnus and she just sighs and says it's the only time she'll help a shadowhunter and she just says that Magnus isn't aware of much Alec loves him, and he might not be for a little while unless they directly communicate and she leaves

tbh i think that alec is really big and intense with words??? like all the impromptu love declarations and stuff like "when i'm staring into the eyes of the man that i love"... it just sounds so intense, even the verb used (staring instead of like, gazing or something normal) and the general dramatic way alec casually says things (inner strength, which you are overflowing with... seriously what the fuck. i gotta give matt daddario a lot of kudos for managing to pull that one off without sounding cringey or weird, because i remember reading the subtitles for that and thinking "oh this is gonna sound terrible" and then he actually said it and it... didn't. it just sounded like alec is the kind of guy who's intense and dramatic enough to say stuff like this like it's normal. which is kinda the truth but isn't easy to pull off). so honestly i don't even think it's that he doesn't say it enough, it's just... that magnus doesn't really get it, like you said

like he probably has a billion reasons in his head why it isn't really true (why would it be?), some of which don't even make sense together but he's still putting them all together because it just... can't really be real, you know? because again, he's relearning that the default is not that he should be considered a hassle for existing or earning affection in a relationship with someone who supposedly loves him. believing that alec genuinely just... feels for him so strongly, strongly enough to leave earth forever and stay the rest of his life in hell just to be with magnus? that doesn't make fucking SENSE

so in his head i think it's all like... it's his first relationship, of course he's feeling everything so intensely. he's never allowed himself to express love like that before, of course now that he gets to he is so over the top. he's going to get tired of me eventually. i just happened to be the first person he could do this with, but once the novelty dulls he's going to grow tired and find someone he likes more. also, i am somehow too much for him even if he is being way more intense than i am. also, i am probably not intense enough and he will eventually grow tired of that. also, someone else is probably more deserving of all that affection anyway, although at the same time it isn't real and will eventually dull once he calms down. also,

whereas in alec's head it's just like why the FUCK wouldn't magnus know that alec loves him when he says it all the time? and why the fUCK wouldn't alec love him anyway? like it's obviously natural to him, he said that he was going to stay in edom with magnus like it was the most obvious thing on earth because just leaving him there didn't even cross his mind as a possibility. leaving magnus is not a possibility, because alec loves him, and he doesn't turn his back on people just because it's hard

and also i think to alec it's just like... i've said it, so why wouldn't he know? (again autistic icon, like... why the hell do people keep looking for hidden meanings or doubting his words or whatever? he says what he means ffs) like he told magnus time and time again that he loves him and that his past doesn't matter and that magnus is his world and is everything to him so why would magnus ever think otherwise?? it doesn't make sense

also because i think alec never really doubted his feelings. hid them, sure, and doubted whether or not he should act on them, definitely, but he never really doubted his feelings. i think alec is chronically incapable of lying to himself, tbh, he's just too practical and he's very self aware and the fact that he's mostly introverted means he gets a lot of time to contemplate himself lmao. but it was always about his choices - would he say fuck it and be with magnus, or do what's expected of him and marry lydia? - but never about what he felt. he always knew what he felt. again, he's always known he couldn't get what he wanted, which implies he's always known what he wanted. so to him, the way he feels is obvious as all fuck, and there's no reason to doubt it, and it takes him a while to realize that from where magnus is standing, it isn't as obvious

which i think he still doesn't fully get for a long time because again?? he's told him?? and there's probably some angst in there somewhere about alec feeling like he needs to prove to magnus how he feels, but really, it's not about alec at all, it's about magnus and his insecurities and his abuse history, you know? and there's nothing alec can or should do about it

also he's totally heartbroken when he realizes that magnus is still surprised by his affection, surprised to see that alec and his friends came back for him in edom at all, surprised to see alec choose him over and over again. he expects so little and it is so sad to alec because he feels so strongly for him and magnus doesn't get it

at the same time magnus being heartbroken because he knows it's not fair that he keeps doubting alec like that, alec who kept chosing him and surprising him at every turn and never gave him any reason to doubt how he feels, alec who was a lot of magnus' firsts even though magnus is hundreds of years old.... and he probably feels guilty for it too, because alec deserves someonw who understands and trusts him and magnus clearly isn't it. and alec is just more upset by magnus seeing it that way when this is not something magnus controls and alec knows it's got nothing to do with himself. and every time magnus tries to reassure him that it's not his fault, it's not about alec, on the contrary, alec has always been so amazing to him and he doesn't get why it's so hard for him to believe him fully... it just hurts for the both of them

and it's something they slowly have to navigate and learn how to deal with and that i think magnus is getting better and better at, you know, he's healing, and he's been for decades now. but it certainly still hurts for them both to know that it's so hard for magnus to accept love, especially when alec is giving it so freely, and so happy to be able to

[fandom-star]

Writer’s Tag

@its-all-ineffable tagged me to do this, but it’s a long one so I’m doing it in a different post! Thank you very much! I love doing these so much!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

How many works do you have on AO3?

164 (possibly 165 by the weekend if I post the Witcher one I finished the other day)

What's your total AO3 word count?

181468

What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

It’s Okay (Merlin: Merthur) - 569 Kudos Pulchra (Night At The Museum: Jedtavius) [NSFW] - 286 Kudos A Father’s Wisdom (Merlin: Merthur: Uther-centric) - 270 Kudos Crush (MCU Spider-Man: PeterNed) - 262 Kudos Comfort Blankets For Sleepy Gods (MCU Loki Series: Lokius) - 245

Do you respond to comments, why or why not?

Sometimes. I try to if I’m not in a non-social mood. Mostly, if I start off on my page before reading any fic and see that I have something in my inbox and it turns out to be a comment on my fic, then I’m more likely to reply to it. Idk why it works like that. Otherwise, it’s kinda touch and go whether or not I’ll reply to something, you’ve got a 50/50 chance, but I always read and appreciate every one that I get.

What's the fic you've written with the angstiest ending?

*Looks at my abundance of angst fics* There’s... a surprising amount of angst without happy endings in my repertoire. Um. I’ll give you three that I vividly remember. (All of these are Star Trek and Spones) Written In The Stars - This is one of my really early works, and was gonna have a sequel that made it have a less angsty ending, but I could never get into the rhythm of writing it. I won’t spoil it, but this is probably the only fic I’ve written where Sarek is a straight-up dick. Battlefield - As the title suggests, there’s war with no real context. And major character death. It’s sad. I genuinely made people cry with this. I am both proud and apologetic of that. Unreal - This is probably one of my more complex concepts, and I’m really proud of it. Features ooc Spock with contextual reasons I won’t spoil, defensive/protective McCoy and major character death of a sort.

What's the fic you've written with the happiest ending

This is kind of difficult, bc while I have excessively written angsty endings (see: above answer) I do usually write happy endings, and I can’t remember all 160 fic endings left over, and even then it’s difficult to rank them by happiest. I like Nutcase {Murdoch Mysteries: Watts-centric) a lot, oh and also Blame It On Me (Star Trek Pricard: Hughnor) which is angst with a happy ending (and has amazing art accompanying it). There are many others with happy endings, but like I said I have no idea how to rank them by “happiest”.

Do you write crossovers? If so, What is the craziest one you’ve ever written?

I don’t really, but I have written one as a request that I really really enjoyed. A Good Day is ThorBruce and is set in the DS9 era of Star Trek, in which Thor is a captain and Bruce is his chief science officer. It’s really adorable and features sleepy, over-worked Bruce and a very characteristically happy Thor.

Have you ever received hate on a fic?

No, I don’t think so, unless you count unsolicited advice I felt I couldn’t turn down on ff.net when I was struggling to write Uhura. I’m kind of surprised I haven’t tbh (not that I’m complaining) since I do write for some very popular fandoms and ships (although, conversely, also some very niche fandoms and ships).

Do you write smut? If so what kind?

I write it but have only ever posted it thee, four times if you count the exploratory one I posted under a pseudonym that wasn’t really that smutty. I’m hoping to get the confidence up to post some of what I’ve written tho, bc I do really like hat I’ve managed to do with some of it.

Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not as far as I’m aware.

Have you ever had a fic translated?

Yes, I have! A lovely person found my fic 1967, which is probably one of my favourite Spones fics I’ve written, based around the UK’s decriminalisation (well, partial) of homosexuality, and traslated it into Hungarian here. I’ve not been able to check it out, due to not knowing a thing in the language (tho I could probably ask my friend to) but the translator seemed really lovely, so I trust them to have done a good job.

Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Not something I posted, but before I even started posting fanfic, me and my best friend really randomly started writing a Star Trek TNG x Star Wars crossover whenever they were at my house. We gave up on it after about a year and never wrote much for it, but it was... it was something.

What’s your all-time favourite ship?

This changes all the time with my hyperfixations! One that will always be in my heart is obviously Spones, my og ship and within my special interest. Currently I’m obsessed with The Witcher so I’ve got Geraskier on the mind but who knows when that might change!

What’s a WIP that you want to finish but don’t think you ever will?

In terms of fanfic I don’t really have any that I don’t think I’ll ever finish. I have an original script that I started writing months ago but only got about three scenes into and haven’t touched since bc I don’t actually have a plot for it.

What are your writing strengths?

Dialogue; Is situations one? That sounds like a good and fancy way of saying AUs; Finding synonyms should be one, that’s like half my search history

What are your writing weaknesses?

Description; Despite my talent of finding synonyms I feel like I do repeat words a lot; Planning and outlining, I just don’t do it - it works for me tho.

What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?

I’m pretty sure the only times I’ve really done it is for Jedtavius (having Oct speak in Latin occasionally) and I might have done it once or twice with Spock speaking Vulcan, both times it’s mostly terms of endearment or Oct wanting to be romantic. Idk, I don’t really care about reading dialogue in other languages as long as there’s a translation somewhere in the work or I can easily pick it up or search it. Just do whatever, it’s your writing. As long as you do it well and it makes contextual sense, I don’t really care.

What was the first fandom you wrote for?

Unposted: Star Trek: The Next Gen Posted: Sherlock (I actually recently reread my first ever posted fic, it’s a long haul (just over 45k), but if anyone ever wants to see a work where my writing visibly improves lemme know and I’ll email the pdf to you)

What’s your favourite fic you’ve written?

Why would you do this to me??? I love most of my fics!!! I’m just gonna link a few here cause I’ve been doing this for an hour now and it would definitely take me an hour to choose just one! The Relationship Series - modern AU, autistic Spock (written by a self-projecting autistic writer), there’s angst spattered about but is especially prominent in part 6, I just really love this series Promises You Can’t Keep - Loki spoilers, I love this bc it’s based on “what if my finale theory was right instead of being debunked three minutes into the episode”, definitely angst with a hopeful ending I love all of my Charite At War fics, but I’m gonna link my 20 years post-canon fic Grow Old With Me and my modern AU You Give Me Your Light - both have some heavy topics (post-canon is set in 1960s East Germany, modern AU topics are tagged) but I adore both with my entire heart You’ll Never Burn - Merlin/Merthur, again kinda heavy (not as heavy as the Charite ones in my opinion) but short and everything is tagged I love all of my Babylon 5 fics but Secret Rendezvous will always have a special place in my heart. It’s very sweet and essentially follows Vir and Lennier trying to navigate coming out about their relationship to their ambassadors I also recommend all the of the fics I’ve already linked in the post ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Now for the hard part - tagging!

@esperata @tallysgreatestfan @iwritesometimes @marlinspirkhall and any other writer mutuals I’ve likely forgotten but I’ve already spent WAY too long writing this post asfdhdskjdgha So I apologise, but if you wanna do it, absolutely go for it, this was so much fun and really made me realise how much I’ve achieved in 4.5 years.

[silver-lily-louise]

Divergence

Madzie's eyes widen. 'Oh,' she says quietly. 'Oh, so - actually, yeah, I can see that. Alec's autistic.' '...Yes, we think so,' Magnus says slowly, frowning over his coffee cup. 'I thought you did too. Why else would you send me that list?'

And Madzie brings up the list on her phone, points to black-and-white thinking and highlights stimming and clarifies that empathy issues can mean more empathy than is typical, not just less.

And for the second time that month, Magnus thinks, Oh. That actually makes a lot of sense. 

[Or: In which Magnus and Alec each come to some very similar realizations.]

Read it on AO3, or below! 

~oOo~

If Madzie hadn't taken an interest in psychology, Magnus thinks he might never have figured it out.

She sends him a list, one day, with an attached message that says: Read this and thought it was interesting. Because I may be wrong, but does some of this seem familiar to you? The list is titled Beneath the Mask: Autism Away From the Stereotypes.

Magnus reads through it, sees troubles with empathy and prone to social overload and hyperfixation. And he thinks Oh. That actually makes a lot of sense.

Alec comes home that evening, and after they've said their hellos, Magnus approaches him with a gentle smile. 'Darling, I read something today that I think might be worth looking into. What do you know about autism?'

 ***

Madzie meets him for coffee a few weeks later.

'Oh, sweetpea - thank you for sending that list, by the way,' he says. 'Alec said to tell you it's been very helpful.' He smiles fondly. Alec's seemed... more at peace, even in the relatively short time since they figured this out. Sometimes he'll stop mid-sentence and interrupt himself, exclaiming, That's why! God, it makes so much more sense now - and Magnus feels his husband's relief at finally having an explanation like a weight's been lifted from his own shoulders, too.

But Madzie's looking at him a little oddly. 'I'm glad Alec said that, but what about you? Did you find it helpful?' 'Of course,' Magnus reassures her. 'Knowing that Alec's autistic makes it much easier for me to support him. I know what to look for now.' Madzie's eyes widen. 'Oh,' she says quietly. 'Oh, so - actually, yeah, I can see that. Alec's autistic.' '...Yes, we think so,' Magnus says slowly, frowning over his coffee cup. 'I thought you did too. Why else would you send me that list?'

And Madzie brings up the list on her phone, points to black-and-white thinking and highlights stimming and clarifies that empathy issues can mean more empathy than is typical, not just less.

And for the second time that month, Magnus thinks, Oh. That actually makes a lot of sense.

 ***

 It's easier, after that.

When Alec feels low and doesn't know why, Magnus helps him trace back through his day, points out factors that might have added up to his bad mood and gives him a name to put to his feelings.

Max comes home and runs up to Magnus with a handprint-based art project to do; and when Magnus sees the tiny bottles of acrylic paint and immediately balks, Alec steps in to help in his place without a second thought, apparently not bothered by the friction of dried paint on skin that makes Magnus cringe just thinking about it.

Magnus keeps an eye out when they're summoned to the uptight social events that go hand-in-hand with politics. He becomes an expert in spotting the moment Alec's eyes start to glaze, in noticing when Alec’s sentences become shorter and more distracted. Magnus takes that as his cue to suggest that they make their excuses and call it a night - usually, to great relief, as the prompting helps Alec to recognize his own incoming overload, too.

One thing Magnus is particularly grateful for is the nights he comes home and launches into a diatribe about a client or associate - one who's been rude or dismissive or underwhelmed with Magnus' (objectively excellent) work - and is met with complete understanding, the compliments and reassurance he feels weak for needing but desperately, desperately can't deny himself.

Because like it or not, he does need them. Because when Alec says they're obviously morons, then, Magnus' heart hears I've got your back. You're the best at what you do becomes You're worthwhile. Whatever happens next, we'll still love you becomes You matter.

And then Alec will walk over and take Magnus in his arms, tight enough that Magnus can just let go and feel himself being soldered back together, utterly safe and calm and happy.

Which is why, perhaps, he's so surprised when one afternoon, Alec asks him a question in a strangely quiet voice.

'Magnus, am I a good person?'

They're lying on the bed, Magnus half-sprawled over his husband as they take a moment to rest after a hectic week, and he lifts his head in surprise. 'What? Alexander, of course you are. What made you think otherwise?' 'I don't know,' Alec says dismissively. 'I just... everyone always says that stuff about kindness, like - show a little empathy. Put yourself in their shoes. Oh, she's great, she's such an empathetic person, and I - I can't do that kind of thing,' he says frustratedly. 'And I tried, when I was younger, I tried to make it happen and it just - didn't. I can understand, if someone explains it to me, tells me what happened - but I don't get it.' He runs his free hand - the one not currently held hostage between both of Magnus' - through his hair in agitation. 'I just... don't get it,' he finishes quietly.

And ironically, this is perhaps the one thing Magnus will never get himself. Because some days, it feels like he's so pent up with emotions - the nuances of hurt and joy and disappointment and calm - that he feels like he might burst, exploding out into a firework of his own feelings and others'. It's nearly destroyed him, in the past; heedlessly and constantly taking on the knowledge of other people’s problems in an attempt to help, until suddenly he turned around and realized that he was a husk of his former self, detached from the world and no good to anyone until he took the time to crawl back out of the hole he'd unwittingly dug.

But despite their differences in this regard, he knows his husband, and he knows his answer. 'Of course you're a good person, Alexander,' he says again. 'You don't need emotional empathy for that - honestly, I'm not sure you'd even need cognitive empathy. You're kind, and just, and compassionate. You consider your actions carefully, and then do what you think is right - what you think will best help other people.' He smiles, before resettling on Alec's chest. 'If there exists any meaningful definition of a ‘good person’, that would be my best guess at it.'

Under Magnus' head, Alec's chest rises and falls as he sighs. 'I don't know how I got so lucky as to have you,' he murmurs, his arm coming down to wrap around Magnus' back, his breath gently disturbing Magnus' hair as he presses a kiss to the top of his head.

Magnus hums in contentment, closing his eyes. 'I was just thinking the same thing.'

~oOo~

[imagining-in-the-margins]

Two Rejected Requests couldn't fit in my Part 8, so they are here. Otherwise, just some Assorted Anon Answers!

1. I unfortunately already denied this request here (or at least something very similar) for being a duplicate request. I do not accept duplicate requests, as it is very insulting to the original writer and puts us all in an uncomfortable position.

If you aren't the same person, sorry for the inconvenience. Like I said in the previous post, I might still write it as an Autistic!Reader fic one day, but it would be a long time from now.

2. [NSFW] So this isn't really a request, but I was going to treat it as one before I ran out of room. Spencily unfortunately squicks me out quite a bit because I headcanon Prentiss as a lesbian & older sister figure to Spencer (no hate to the Shippers, just not my thing!).

My friend @aperrywilliams wrote one that might interest you (Broke and Break)!

3. Ah, I appreciate you saying that so much. It's funny, the people who steal stuff are usually just here for smut, and then they call me perverted like literally half of my fics aren't SFW. It's almost like their fixation on sex says more about their preferences than mine!

I love writing fluff (and angst!) so I'm always relieved to have people be excited for it. Which, by the way, I finally finished Moonlight! I need to edit it, though.

4. Awwwe, you're so sweet, hahah! I picked the name Pom as a reference to pomegranates and Persephone, so, you aren't too off track there! Happy to be of service 🥰

5. I think you're probably the greatest anon I have ever met, so thank you very much!

6. No worries - I got it taken down! It's very rare that I'm unable to. This person also stole over 100 works from a number of authors (although mine was the only one they claimed to have written themselves 🙄).

7. I am going to hold your hand. Thank you for telling me, it made me very happy, too!!!

8. Hi friend! I unfortunately do not read a lot of fanfic, so I am very unhelpful for finding fics. The only one the Discord pointed to me to is Unexpected Visit by @lexieshuntingsstuff. Otherwise, you're better off asking someone like @dreatine !

[smartbutuncertified]

So. Today I read J.K. Rowling’s essay on trans people.

I could spend hours finding sources to debunk what she said. I could yell until my fingers are tired that trans women are women, trans men are men, and nonbinary people are valid. I could cry. I could leave it to others. It’s been a long few months. I’m tired.

But I’m a trans man. I can see how she’s weaponizing our existence against our trans sisters. I can’t let that pass.

A lot of the discussion around TERFs revolves around trans women, and for good reason. TERF’s hatefulness is primarily directed at AMAB trans people, especially transfem ones, because of the mistaken belief that they are men invading women’s spaces. All that they are doing is striving to be treated as who they are instead of who others say that they are.

Because of this, much of the pushback against TERFs comes from a place of support of and defense for trans women. This has led to the TERFs developing a tactic that I’m going to name “Dysphoric ‘women’ in distress.”

Persistently attacking a group without clearly defending someone is a great way to get panned for being unreasonable. TERFs don’t want to be seen as a hate movement, so they focus their vitriol on trans women, and attempt to sweep trans men and AFAB nonbinary people under their banner. They’re protecting all “females”, see? No bigotry here.

Here’s a few passages from Rowling’s essay about trans men, and about biological sex, in the order that they appear. The bolding is mine.

“Ironically, radical feminists aren’t even trans-exclusionary – they include trans men in their feminism, because they were born women.”

“The fourth is where things start to get truly personal. I’m concerned about the huge explosion in young women wishing to transition and also about the increasing numbers who seem to be detransitioning (returning to their original sex), because they regret taking steps that have, in some cases, altered their bodies irrevocably, and taken away their fertility.“

“The UK has experienced a 4400% increase in girls being referred for transitioning treatment. Autistic girls are hugely overrepresented in their numbers.“

“The writings of young trans men reveal a group of notably sensitive and clever people.  The more of their accounts of gender dysphoria I’ve read, with their insightful descriptions of anxiety, dissociation, eating disorders, self-harm and self-hatred, the more I’ve wondered whether, if I’d been born 30 years later, I too might have tried to transition. The allure of escaping womanhood would have been huge. “

“I’ve read all the arguments about femaleness not residing in the sexed body, and the assertions that biological women don’t have common experiences, and I find them, too, deeply misogynistic and regressive. It’s also clear that one of the objectives of denying the importance of sex is to erode what some seem to see as the cruelly segregationist idea of women having their own biological realities or – just as threatening – unifying realities that make them a cohesive political class. “

Trans men are not women. We are not girls. We are mostly AFAB, with some intersex and CAFAB men as well.

As an autistic trans man, autistic people may be more likely to transition, but that doesn’t mean that our transitions are less valid or more suspect. To say otherwise is both ableism and infantalization.

Lastly, the idea of womanhood being biological is as deeply offensive to us as it is to trans women. We share a lot of the health risks and need for reproductive rights and justice that cis women do, but this does not make us women. Trans women are women, not us.

Trans men are not delusional women to be protected from ourselves. We are not part of any “class” of women. This sickly sweet “compassion” because we “were born women” is not something that we support or want any part of. We are not and never will be women. The only people we’re in danger from are transphobes like Rowling.

This is not to say that trans men face the same things as trans women.

Trans women face a whole section of transphobia that transmasc people are exempt from, transmisogny. They are disproportionately targeted by TERFs and other transphobes.

Compare what she says about trans women to the statements about trans men. Again, the bolding is mine.

“Magdalen was an immensely brave young feminist and lesbian who was dying of an aggressive brain tumour. I followed her because I wanted to contact her directly, which I succeeded in doing. However, as Magdalen was a great believer in the importance of biological sex, and didn’t believe lesbians should be called bigots for not dating trans women with penises, dots were joined in the heads of twitter trans activists, and the level of social media abuse increased.“

“Examples of so-called TERFs range from the mother of a gay child who was afraid their child wanted to transition to escape homophobic bullying, to a hitherto totally unfeminist older lady who’s vowed never to visit Marks & Spencer again because they’re allowing any man who says they identify as a woman into the women’s changing rooms. “

“I happen to know a self-described transsexual woman who’s older than I am and wonderful. Although she’s open about her past as a gay man, I’ve always found it hard to think of her as anything other than a woman, and I believe (and certainly hope) she’s completely happy to have transitioned. Being older, though, she went through a long and rigorous process of evaluation, psychotherapy and staged transformation. The current explosion of trans activism is urging a removal of almost all the robust systems through which candidates for sex reassignment were once required to pass. A man who intends to have no surgery and take no hormones may now secure himself a Gender Recognition Certificate and be a woman in the sight of the law.”

“But, as many women have said before me, ‘woman’ is not a costume. ‘Woman’ is not an idea in a man’s head.”

“So I want trans women to be safe. At the same time, I do not want to make natal girls and women less safe. When you throw open the doors of bathrooms and changing rooms to any man who believes or feels he’s a woman – and, as I’ve said, gender confirmation certificates may now be granted without any need for surgery or hormones – then you open the door to any and all men who wish to come inside.”

“On Saturday morning, I read that the Scottish government is proceeding with its controversial gender recognition plans, which will in effect mean that all a man needs to ‘become a woman’ is to say he’s one. To use a very contemporary word, I was ‘triggered’. Ground down by the relentless attacks from trans activists on social media, when I was only there to give children feedback about pictures they’d drawn for my book under lockdown, I spent much of Saturday in a very dark place inside my head, as memories of a serious sexual assault I suffered in my twenties recurred on a loop. That assault happened at a time and in a space where I was vulnerable, and a man capitalised on an opportunity.  I couldn’t shut out those memories and I was finding it hard to contain my anger and disappointment about the way I believe my government is playing fast and loose with womens and girls’ safety.“

Things to note:

She was concerned about trans men undergoing voluntary hormones and surgeries because they “have, in some cases, altered their bodies irrevocably, and taken away their fertility.”, but is repeatedly horrified by the idea that trans women could be considered women without them.

She is consistently pitching the narrative that trans women’s interests are men’s interests and in conflict with women’s interests.

The misgendering is about equal in both sections, but in this one, the misgendering is intentionally framed as trans women being deceitful men, whereas trans men are framed as women and “girls” in distress. Notice that the trans women are always “men”, never “boys”, for maximum implicit threat.

“’woman’ is not a costume” is a huge red flag. Trans women aren’t wearing costumes, they’re living their lives as women.

The narrative she’s weaving is that trans men are misled women who need help and protection, and trans women are potentially predatory men. She leaves caveats, such as the “self-described transsexual woman”, but even she is referred to as a former man, and we don’t know how that trans woman feels about that. She’s being used as a prop, framed as an exception.

This is all transphobia, and heavily leans towards transmisogyny.

In short:

Trans men aren’t interested in you persecuting our sisters to “defend” us. Fuck off, Rowling.