#And arse is a swear in german

[ifartconfetti]

I'm convinced if you employed american anti swearing rules to literally every other language it would cease to exist because normal everyday words get banned

[moodymisty]

Surprise

Author's Note: Loosely based off my personal experience struggles learning Spanish and Portuguese. I wanted to do something sfw to work on König's character and get a feel for things with CoD. I'll make some filth soon lol

Any German used is one or two very easily understandable words, and anything more in-depth is just implied via italics. Far easier than making an arse out of myself with Google translate because we all know how that works.

Summary: You've been studying German in secret from König for weeks now, hopefully it pays off.

Relationships: König/Fem!Reader

Warnings: I do not know German so I apologize, Fluff, Reader is implied foreigner but from where is not specified, Fluff without plot

Word Count: 2016

Closing the book in your lap you take your hands away from the pages and rub them over your face, feeling the way your eyes almost burn from overuse. Squeezing them shut helps, but it almost seems like the letters are burned into the back of your eyelids.

No more information can be shoved into my brain; Not tonight.

It's late- the sun has long since set and if you start another section, you might end up hearing the birds outside start chirping by the time you finish and go to bed. With König gone and it being the weekend you can at least sleep in, to cover up your late night of studying.

Getting up off the couch and taking your notes and textbook, they both come with you to the bedroom; Where you hide them underneath the cushion of the window seat. It was a place that he would never look, at least not without good reason.

That was part of the plan after all, for him to be surprised by all this.

As for all the time you've known König his mother tongue has remained a mystery to you, unable to understand whenever he mumbles it under his breath while fixing himself something to eat, or yelling at a door frame he hit with his shoulder or head by accident. Which happens frequently, as unfortunately the apartment isn't exactly built for a man of his size.

You’ve picked up words and small sentences over time; Maus, danke, bitte, ich liebe dich; Scheisse as well, much to König's playfully faked distress. He's always tried to refuse teaching your swears, but you've picked up on them anyways. He thinks they sound too cute to take seriously when you say them. They just make him laugh.

But none of it is enough to hold any length of conversation. König is sweet and always helps whenever you need something translated, but you know sometimes words just don't cross over one to one. Not to mention you don't want to always rely on him. So you decided to learn as much as you could, but keep it a surprise. At least for a bit. There was only so far you could get without speaking it, using it- but for now you could at least try and listen.

''Can you help me?' You stumble out in practice before sighing, slipping into your nightclothes as your bed remains unmade and calling out to you.

Could really use some of that right now.

You keep mumbling to yourself, the words floating through your head, hoping they'll stick to the image of an object or scene that follows in tandem. It's such a silly, impossible goal, but you want to impress him. You slip into bed and begin relaxing, hoping you'll be able to sleep before light starts bleeding through the curtains.

The ring of your phone however distracts you from any further thoughts, grabbing it off the bedside table where it had been charging. Only one person will call this late, and since you’re already in your nightclothes, you answer without even checking the caller id. It would just say 'Unknown' anyways, if it was him. You answer and speak up.

"Good evening. Or morning? Afternoon?"

König chuckles and even if it's hundreds or even thousands of miles away, it still makes you smile. When he's gone you usually don't hear much from him at all, so it's always a wonderful treat when he does manage to find a moment.

"Evening. The sun is just about to set." You're sure he can hear you rustling of the blankets as you pull them over your body, laying down with your phone on speaker right in front of the pillow.

"Keeping busy, Liebe?"

"As busy as I can, it's really late. Was just about to sleep." König hums, and you can hear the scratch of him rubbing his head.

"Ahh, am I keeping you up? I don't want you tired because of me." Just as you go to answer him back someone must enter the room, asking him something. You can hear the question and König's extremely curt and irritated response to it, and it's a struggle to not laugh when you realize you understood enough of it to put the pieces together.

So all this studying wasn't for nothing!

It's nice to finally see that you've been making at least some sort of stride. Once he finishes grumbling a reply at whoever had interrupted him- ignoring how cute you find it that he's so feverishly defending what tiny bit of time he has to talk to you- You answer back.

"Don't worry, I want to stay up; I miss you. I miss hearing your voice before I go to bed." You hear König let out a shy cough, rustling around. Sometimes he still gets a little bashful when you're particularly overt with how you feel about him.

"Then I will stay with you as long as I can." You know that's asking a lot of him; To even get a few moments time while he's deployed in the middle of god knows where is asking for a miracle. A damn good miracle at that.

"I miss you too, liebling."

His voice sounds so quiet when he speaks; You don't know if it's because of there being someone else in the room with him, or that he's just still not used to saying things like that.

The bed is warm and the blankets are soft, but it's still nowhere near as pleasant when König is here beside you. Neither of you have any idea how long he's going to be gone this time, but you always prepare as if it's going to be a long while. Hopefully however, it wont. You're not going to last very long without having him here with you. Just the feeling of being stuck in his arms because he's dead asleep and his grip is so strong- you miss it. You miss him kissing you on the cheek to wake you up in the mornings, and the feeling of his hand on the dip of your waist. His voice always sounds so gruff and sore in the mornings, whispering in English or German or a mix of both as he hides his face in your neck.

The sudden increase in background noise from the other side of the call jolts you out of any sort of fantasizing you were in, thankfully before it went down a path perhaps a bit more appropriate for such a late hour. König speaks up before you have a chance to ask if he needs to leave.

"I have to go; I promise I will try and find another moment to talk to again, ok?" You can hear the sudden rustling around in the background; Some of it from him, some clearly from elsewhere in the room.

He whispers again; Unsure under his breath 'I love you', the words still a bit shy and experimental on his lips. You return it quickly before the line goes dead. You have to reach a hand from under the blanket to lock your phone, staring at the lock screen for a moment.

Now the room feels almost, eerily quiet.

You turn over to set your phone down on the nightstand and turn off the last of the lights, heading to closing your eyes and trying to get some sleep.

When König returns, it's usually not without a fair share of eventfulness.

Normally he spends a day or two somewhere else first before coming back to you, which you understand; He doesn't want to bring 'that side of him' back home. Doing what he does isn’t a 9-5, and it’s not something that’s easy to leave at the front step.

After having a bit to decompress he's finally returned, having just closed the front door. He finished unlacing his combat boots and putting them beside your own shoes, as you shuffled off to get him something to drink after already tackling him. You had nearly jumped on him the moment you hear his key hit the lock, feeling him mumble a surprised but happy greeting against your lips.

Leaning over he goes to pick his pack back up off the ground to move it, but it either gets hooked on something, or the fabric finally gives. Either way the contents then spill out all over the floor, from clothing to whatever else he has stuffed inside.

"Damn it! You fucking piece of-"

The stream of swears he lets out makes you nearly winge, between about how he's going to damn the thing to Hell or set it ablaze. Either or. You try not to smile and quickly go to help him clean up the mess of his belongings that's now scattered all over the floor. You shoo his hands back a bit.

"Here, let me help, instead of you yelling about trying to set it all on fire."

König quickly stops what he was doing, and watches as you come closer. He looks confused for a moment, brow furrowed as if trying to see if you’re just being silly, or got lucky guessing what he was saying.

“...Did you understand me?” He experimentally says; As If in disbelief. You can’t help but smile and respond back.

“Are you surprised?” You cover your mouth and laugh, while cringing.

"Oh god my accent must be terrible, I haven't spoken it to anything other than the-" König bursts up from his awkward squat on the ground and wraps his arms under the crease of your bottom, lifting you off the ground. "-Wall!" Your arms wrap around his neck trying to keep yourself upright while he eagerly kisses your cheek. Over and over again, until it’s nearly red.

"Meine Liebe you sound perfect, how long have you been keeping this from me?" In any other context he probably would've been upset you were keeping secrets from him, especially big ones, but he seems too happy with the outcome to even care.

"A couple months. Long enough that I was scared you might catch me." The idea of him 'catching' you seems to make him laugh, but he still refuses to put you down.

"You made my terrible day so much better, I hope you know." He gives you another kiss this time on the lips, made easier from you being lifted to his height. Your arms snake loosely around shoulders as you giggle against his mouth, fingers tangling in his messy, soft hair. He's long since abandoned his mess on the ground at his feet, finally putting you down only to awkwardly bend over with you and kiss you again. His lips feel soft against yours and his hands cup your jaw so gently, before his lips leave yours with a soft pop.

"I hope you know you don't have to do this for me, liebling."

His eyes are tired from spending so long awake, hair messy and unkempt. You know the moment the excitement is all over he's just going to want to take a nap.

"I know, but I wanted to." You awkwardly try to hug him around the shoulders. "You're dedicated to helping me now, though." König lets out a quiet laugh.

"Of course, but can we take a nap first?" He always says we, as even though you're probably not tired in the slightest, he quietly hopes you'll join him for his own piece of mind. You help him sleep better, he confessed one night.

"Go lay down; I'll pick this all up." Listening to you he leans up to his full height and sluggishly walks off, retreating to your bedroom as you pick up his belongings. You stuff them all in the bag for him to go through himself later, before you follow and find him already face down on the mattress. He barely even bothered to change; Only his trousers are swapped to something more comfortable.

The moment you climb onto the bed with him he's trying to drag you into his arms, wrapping them tight around you and tugging you close to his body like some sort of stuffed animal. He feels so warm, your hands softly laying against his back.

You hear him mumble sleepily; Something about you being his little 'stuffed bear', before he's out like a light.

[shounengirlart]

Random bits and pieces of info about Wi and Task Force 141 popped up in my head ~

Headcanon Task Force 141 - Price, Gaz, Soap, Ghost, Konig, Witch (and Kate, Nik, Farah etc.)

Their ages - Price - 42, Gaz - 29, Soap - 27, Ghost - 36, Konig - 34, Witch - 30

Her call sign 'Witch' came from Ghost's phrase when she was first introduced to the team. Kate was introducing her to the Task Force and Ghost said, "Well, now we've got a little tech witch..." 'Witch' cheekily slapped(!) Ghost on the arse (they've known each other for literally minutes, this woman doesn't know what fear is). Seeing that reaction, it was picked up by Soap and Konig, and from that moment on, everyone just calls her that.

Price and Witch - tired dad and noisy kid. Price often refers to Wi as 'kid', which initially freaks her out because she's not the youngest, but then she just starts calling Price an old man.

Watching dumb memes with Soap and Gaz.

With Soap singing pop songs to the whole base.

Gaz is interested in her work and they talk about it a lot.

When she has nothing to do, she hangs out with Nik in the helicopter hangar, they are besties.

Old friends with Kate. Worked together long before Task Force.

Adores Farah, she's like a sister to her.

Konig says that Witch and Ghost are very similar when it comes to missions and other work. They literally act the same and look at everyone with that fuck-off look.

Witch hates paperwork, like reports for Kate and stuff like that. But she loves getting, cracking and tweaking all the electronics the team has. Ghost and Konig wouldn't let her touch their equipment for a long time.

Witch has her own workshop on the base where she hides like a little gremlin. Yeah, she and Ghost and Konig fucked there. Yeah, more than they should have.

Witch is secretly trying to learn German so she can understand Konig better.

When she speaks emotionally, she often swears in Russian. Konig and Ghost laugh at her because she looks like a cute little mouse and sounds like Nik when he is angry.

Konig reads a lot of history books and often retells them to Wi and Ghost. They love listening to his stories, Konig is a good storyteller, but they both fall asleep quickly.

The three of them have a big house on the outskirts of London. They had to order the biggest bed they could find. They only want to sleep together, no other way.

Witch and Konig are very tactile (Konig is a bit shy about touching people because of his rough hands). They constantly exchange small touches, hugs and kisses between themselves and Ghost.

Even when they weren't in a relationship, both men were constantly touching the Witch. They both say it's because she looks like a marshmallow.

Konig likes to touch Wi's cheeks. He constantly touches, kisses and pinches them.

Ghost likes to ruffle her hair and kiss the top of her head.

They both LOVES when the Wi hugs them.

aaand smol silly one

Ghost, Witch and Konig don't dress up for Halloween, well, because…. they're already ghost, witch and konig(king). (sorry, I'm laughing more than I should)

[merci-bitch]

A Real Spy

Lorraine Broughton x fem!reader

Headcanons

Warning(s): NSFW mentions, fluff, talks of death

A/N: Now so, I’ve got lots of requests and a few were with Lorraine, our killer queen. So I watched the movie and decided to take notes. Ended up with 6 pages. @slutformisswena​ wanted me to post them, so here they are! It’s long. Very long. heh, enjoy! :) 

Not my gif!

- Baby’s an american spy

- Got lots of scars

- Takes ice baths

- Smokes

- Drinks vodka with ice 

- Her appartment in London has a very plain colour palette. Gray, white & black

- Wears designer clothes

- Fashion queen

- HEELS

- Boss arse bitch

- Doesn’t give a living fuck

- Girl is very smart, secretive

- Swears 24/7

- Sarcastic

- Queen with accents

- Speaks a bunch of languages like russian, swedish, german etc

- Has a simple yet smokey makeup look

- Trust issues

- A killer queen

- She knows, everything

- Very good with a gun

- She will kill if anyone hurts you

- She’s loyal once she knows she can trust you

- She has somewhat a 6th sense

- Poor girl has nightmares

- She has PTSD & trauma

- She’s an improviser

- She’s got some balls

- She’s hella strong

- Tall Beautiful Lady

- She knows the bodys weak spots. Good and bad

- She likes music

- She tolerates people but likes you

- She loves a good fight

- She has a dominant hand in everything

- She’s protective, a little possessive

- You were a one night stand to her, but nearly ended up dead if it wasn’t for Lorraine. You refused to leave her so she kept you around. 

- She taught you how to defend yourself

- She’s a fearless killer

- She depends on you like you depend on her

- She’s actually nice, can you believe that?

- She’s a caring peerson. 

- When she comes home covered in scars, you patch her up

- You’re her bitch

- She’s claustrophobic under water after nearly drowning

- She does have good breath control

- She’s always warm. You could be freezing in the cold, go to her. She’s warm. She’s got a warm heart <3

- She’s paranoid sometimes

- She does care and she does cry

- Queen of disguises

- She’s got a sense of humour

- Her job is a big part of her, and you just have to accept that

- She likes quiet evenings

- She reads books. You might not think it, but she does

- Likes to take a moment to just breathe. She doesn’t get to do that very often

- She wants to have her life back, even though she knows she never fully can. But you make her life just a little easier everyday

- She doesn’t really know how to comfort you when you cry. She does what she can to make you stop. Will kill if she has to

- When she’s sad, she lashes out in anger

- She likes chugging contests

- She isn’t really a hugger or cuddler but you don’t really care

- There is never a gentle kiss with Lorraine

- You sometimes wear her sweathers

 - When she leaves for a job, she always brings a shirt of yours with her

- She waits until you’ve fallen asleep to sleep herself. Most of the time she doesn’t even sleep thanks to nightmares but seeing you sleeping brings her peace. Knowing you’re safe

-Kisses the back of your head,

- She has a weak spot for you, even before you were together

- Teases you for being shoter than her

- She loves you, but won’t say it

- Her eyes change with emotion

NSFW

- She’s dominant with a gentle touch

- She smokes after sex

- She’s a tease

- She doesn’t share

- Aftercare with her could look like you lying on her chest with her hand playing with your hair

- She likes to shower together, but the baths she takes alone. The ice baths are her way to get away from the world

- She likes to choke you

- She wants you to be comfortable most of all

- She likes to be on top, but also to have you lying on top of her with your back pressed against her chest as one of her hands moves down between your legs and the other wraps around your throat

- She’s not the biggest PDA person, but will lay her arm behind your back on your chair. Lay her hand on your thigh or have you sit in her lap

- Shoulder kisses is a 100% yes for her

- She likes slow teasing kisses

- Sometimes biting kisses

- Rough is always welcome

- French kissing

- You ache for her

- Pet names like baby, darling, sweetheart etc

- Make up sex is bomb

- Lasts for HOURS

- She wears lace underwear or nothing at all

- LOVES grinding

- She knows your body like the back of her hand

- She likes to push you against the wall

- When she does ^ and she kisses you, one hand will always be on the wall above your head and the other either on your waist or hip

- I wouldn’t call her too kinky but she does have some kinks

- Like choking, hair pulling, spanking, orgasm denail, edging, light BDSM, overstimulation, a little bit of exhibitionsm

- Sex with Lorraine is either rough, well it’s never slow and gentle, but she likes to keep a pace that will leave you breathless no matter what

- She’s a little flirty

- She wouldn’t do anything to hurt you

- She likes when you give her a massage

- She knows what she’s doing at all times

[liquidisedfrogs]

EUROVISION RANT 2024

Last night was the night of creativity and culture that all (probably only like 20%) of Europe adores. Eurovision is one of the times when I, who am a very chill and non-judgemental person, will barf out my thoughts and write my commentary (cos I'm better than Graham Norton). STRAP IN MOTHERFUCKERS.....

We started this wonderful evening with a performance of Hooked On a Feeling which I gotta say is a banger but what's with that Burger King background? He was decent, to say the least but more or less it was just an old dude who stood on the stage singing which is just quite meh. Loved the flag parade, Swedish music is awesome. 

PERFORMANCE 1 : SWEDEN- UNFORGETTABLE- MARCUS & MARTINUS This is a damn catchy song but how are you supposed to tell those twins apart?! I loved the sort of club/ravey vibes it gave. The staging with all the flashing lights was pretty awesome. (ngl those twins were kinda cute) THE MEN IN BLACK DANCERS KILLED ME. It gave Matrix vibes and I'm here for it. The costumes reminded me of F1 drivers but I love it. Rank no. 10

PERFORMANCE 2: UKRAINE- ALYONA ALYONA & JERRY HEIL- TERESA  & MARIA Honestly, one of my favorites. Feminism in a good way. The taller woman gave off such Boudicca vibes and I love that, both women were so gorgeous and had amazing voices put together. I did say the rock reminded me of The Lion King but I really liked that. The costumes were also so aghhhh the Rey-Boudicca and the knight were such a great combo and the song was really catchy. Rank no.4

PERFORMANCE 3: GERMANY- ALWAYS ON THE RUN- ISAAK So. Much. Fire. Ya know, I'm actually disappointed by the fact that it wasn't in German. It's a solid song. It was quite rag-n-bone man style but I appreciate that. I do have to say it wasn't something ridiculously special but it's a nice song and a guy who looks like he gives a good hug. Rank no.14

PERFORMANCE 4: LUXEMBOURG- FIGHTER- TALI Firstly, I love her hair. It's so long and so pretty and she has got an insane voice. I'm not a fan of the song, though. It's too repetitive, extremely forgettable, and just mid song. It just wasn't anything special, it was a quite nice Middle Eastern vibe tho. Rank no. 23

PERFORMANCE 5: He got disqualified so I will not be ranking this.

PERFORMANCE 6: ISRAEL- HURRICANE- EDEN GOLAN What in the voodoo contortionist shit was that position at the beginning? Her dress tho, why she looking like she's just escaped Ghostface. Oh and look more shirtless men.  This isn't the worst song it's just not  the best. Another mid one like literally all of them this year. The dance was giving ring a ring a roses and the floor screens just were not it. She has an amazing voice, I won't lie that she doesn't but it's just not my vibe. Rank no. 17

PERFORMANCE 7:  LITHUANIA- LUKTELK- SILVESTER BELT This is one of my favourites. It's a catchy European bop and I love itttttt. The tracksuit looks well warm. I adore his jewelry its so nice. I literally started cossak dancing it was so catchy. It's a real vibe and I really appreciate it. The short people had me in stitches it was hilarious. It gave off severe jamboree vibe sbut I love that cos it's vibrant and bright and just pretty fucking awesome. Rank no.7 

PERFORMANCE 8: SPAIN- NEBULOSSA- ZORRA I am ashamed to say that I thought this was gonna be high ranking in my books but no. I am a changed person. This is a family show. I get that there's one like this every year but damn this was fucking scary. The men. In fucking thong arsed things. Nicht gut. The song was pretty good tho so and the 80s vibes rlly sold it to me. On the basis of the song not the staging, it was great. And, I mean, making out with a dancer on stage in front of your partner is very eurovision. Rank no. 13

PERFORMANCE 9: ESTONIA- 5MIINUST x PUULUUP-  (NENDEST) NARKOOTIKUMIDEST EI TEA ME (KÜLL) MIDAGI I swear this is just a group of dads who've gone screw it we're doing eurovision and rocked up with 90s rap up their sleeve and traditional instruments. I think its such a vibe and I would kill to be them when I grow up. The suits were great, idk what was up with the slits but for some reason it felt like what a k-pop group would wear to the met gala. Literally the cha cha slide. Rank no.9

PERFORMANCE 10: IRELAND- BAMBIE THUG- DOOMSDAY BLUES Fucking incredible song. Harry Potter mentioneddddd. Their make up is on-point. The song is on point. The outfit is on point. Everything abt it is so wonderfully perfect. The nails are a bit odd but its a vibe. The witches circle was incredible, the screaming bit was too. so witchy, so emo, so awesome. I loved the chilled out bit, in contrast to the rest it was perfect and probably needed. The reduction of clothing towards the end was pretty funny, my brother stared a bit too much but oh well it was great. Rank no. 1

PERFORMANCE 11:  LATVIA- DONS- HOLLOW What in the blue man x Gru crap is this? Honestly I didn't really register this one so I don't have a huge opinion on it. Also gives of Rag-n-Bone Man vibes even if it is  a typical eurovision song. Altogether its a meh song, not a fan, and the fit is just downright strange. Rank no.24 

PERFORMANCE 12: GREECE- MARINA SATTI- ZARI I am confused by this one. She has impeccable vocal control. I am extremely admiring that. The song was just a bit of a rubbish mishmash. There was too many elements. I did quite like that and the live stream addition watching on tv was quite nice. I'm confused by the outfit as well, everything just seems all over the place. It's giving Doja Cat but European. I liked the dance moves and it was pretty darn funny but just a bit mental. Rank no. 18

PERFORMANCE 13: UNITED KINGDOM- OLLY ALEXANDER- DIZZY As the youtube comments said, this gives severe gay lockerroom corn vibes. Just what the friggity frack. The crotch protection while dry humping each other?! It's just a bit odd. I did like the song. It's super catchy and very annoying. That guy can sing but maybe he needs to reevaluate where his loyalties lie in that. The staging was so confusing like for the whole thing I didn't know what was up or down or left or right, it was just mental. First proper European vibe English vibe that I've got. Very odd but it's sorta loveable. Rank no.19

HONOURABLE MENTION: LISA WOODRUFF - My whole family were so confused by this but the song was so funny for no reason such a vibe. It was genuinely better than some of the artists we've had this year. Mental but awesome.

PERFORMANCE 14: NORWAY- GÅTE- ULVEHAM I really enjoyed this one. The vocals are so ethereal and the 90s grunge mixed with Norwegian instrumental influences match perfectly. Stunning lady with an amazing band with her. The song just flowed ad the staging was all sea-witchy and I loved it. Great song, great staging, awesome euovision track. Rank no. 3

PERFORMANCE 15: ITALY- ANGELINA MANGO- LA NOIA The see through ish glittery tights were quite interesting I have to say. Her outfit was breathtaking. Her voice like many of these artists is incredible but not my vibe I have to admit. Its catchy I know it's someones cup of tea but it ain't mine. Overall, it's not too bad like I love the whole Mediterranean vibe but its just samey to the rest. Rank no.21

PERFORMANCE 16: SERBIA- TEYA DORA- RAMONDA The witchy vibes don't really match the song. I think it's really sweet. It's not super up there but it's a tune and I enjoyed listening to it. Here hair is so lovely as well. It really comes across as a bit of a plea for help but it's a lovely message and I always really enjoy Serbia's input because they're always shockingly good. I would love that dress as well if someone wants to go snag it for me. Rank no.8 

PERFORMANCE 17: FINLAND- WINDOWS95MAN- NO RULES! This is the one I've been waiting to yap about. Bloody hell this one was a ride. I'm gonna start with the fits and staging: it was so random, I am so here for it. The egg was just perfect for the randomness and running about the stage was awesomeeeee. The shorts descending from the heavens and then bursting into flames was a real highlight, so iconic. The guy dressed in all denim was such a vibe as well. I actually feel sorry for him cos the other guy stole the spotlight a bit but that was a true eurovision act. I feel I can always rely on inland to deliver something crazy and they smashed it out the park yet again. Rank no. 6

PERFORMANCE 18: PORTUGAL- IOLANDA-  GRITO The staging gave a beige mom house in the US, the makeup gave Coachella. I really thought it was quite a vibe, maybe a bit dentist office wedding but who cares shes a cracking voice and the dancers went down as 'the beekeepers in my house'. The light was giving Loreen's panini press again but it's not that bad and is a solid mid range one. Rank no.16

PERFORMANCE 19: ARMENIA- LADANIVA- JAKO This one HIT man. It was just a vibe, the like trumpets and the woman's mental ness. The patterns almost sent me into a seizure but it's eurovision, you're gonna have a migrane the next morning. She was so cool in her dress and I just loved it, the band was cool as well and jumping around the stage while singing complicated stuff like that is a talent so kudos to the singer. Rank no.11

PERFORMANCE 20: CYPRUS- SILIA KAPSIS- LIAR Yet another same samey song. It just wasn't giving me enough to get a notable score. This is no criticism to her herself but it just got too repetitive this year. Far too many scantily clad men dancing around young women. Particularly with this one, she's only 17 and she looks so much older and I was just worrying for her and praying that the dutch dude wasn't towards her. Rank no.22

PERFORMANCE 21: SWITZERLAND- NEMO- THE CODE One of my favourites for the evening. They looked like nemo as well it was so adorable. The talent to stay on that pendulum wheel thing is so freaking awesome. They cooked hard. Their vocals are so freaking stunning as well just an incredible, catchy one. The drum beat gave breakcore and it's just an ear-scratcher. It's just such a snazzy song. Rank no. 4

PERFORMANCE 22: SLOVENIA- RAIVEN- VERONIKA What in the water-coated body suit? The fit was questionable and so was the dance moves. Yet another situation where the contestant made out with the dancer. The light up tits and crotch were weird as well. Like highlighting the bits you shouldn't want to show off. Oh welllllll. IT was an interesting song, not particularly special but pretty typical eurovision. The eye makeup was on point also. Rank no.15

PERFORMANCE 23: CROATIA- BABY LASAGNE- RIM TIM TAGI DIM The pirate vibe meets My Chemical Romance were real. One of my favourites of the night. The cat pictures sold it to me heavily. I loved the fit it was such a vibe. I had it goin through my head all night. The meowing absolutely killed me. Such a banger a true sea shanty turned rock is the recipie to please my ears. Rank no.2

PERFORMANCE 24: GEORGIA- NUTSA BUZALADZE- FIREFIGHTER Yet another woman singing warbly surrounded by muscular men in interesting clothing. Her dance moves were extremely strange and probably not appropriate for the kids watching, particularly in that short of a dress. The song wasn't the worst though ( take that back probably one of my least favourites). The dance was just a bit odd. Rank no.20

PERFORMANCE 25: FRANCE- SLIMANE- MON AMOUR It was so boring. Like I was falling asleep. It needed spice. It was giving shit drake that sings falsetto that's too high for him. It was too repetitive, too boring. It didn't appeal to me one bit. Probably my least favourite. Rank no.25

PERFORMANCE 26: AUSTRIA- KALEEN- WE WILL RAVE Now, I'm not usually a fa of this vibe of music but kaleen executed it so freaking perfectly, its a n earworm that I hate but its so funny. Very Europop vibe to it, giving me jamboree vibes yet again. She reminds me of Taylor Swift and her little daughter was so sweet. This has gone down pretty well I think. Rank no.12

Now, I've finished my part and I didn't watch the after bits cos I was too busy falling asleep from slimane. Compared to last year, completely underwhelming but its decent. Some hhits hit, others missed the board completely. Sorry about even worse grammar and spelling than last year but that's all folks, see you in 2025.

[jeanmoreausautismstickers]

things my best friend has said as marauders quotes

Sirius at James and Lily: don't breed. breed is bad.

Sirius: he (remus) would be a good stripper I think

James to Sirius: you're a hoe. but a lovely hoe

Barty: listen. I've cut open humans before and they have big breathing sacks-

Sirius about Regulus: he's a middle aged child

James explaining Sirius and Remus's relationship: they're besties...with benefits 😏

Peter: is there an ankle kink?

Regulus: because ALL ghosts just HAVE to be white don't they?

Evan, mispronouncing androgynous: yeah I feel a bit an-dro-gy-noose today

James: [sirius], please stop assaulting my pen

Evan: I'm a little German boy, I'm gonna get your toes with my little German boy fingers

Barty: give me the dead fetus, I have plans

Peter to Remus: do you have... a knee kink?

Marlene: I think the eggs for breakfast caused my period actually

Marlene: monkeys are the ancestors of cats

Barty, to Regulus: are you a keyboard? cos I'll play you like one

Sirius: I swear to [Merlin] I will sniff your arse

Sirius to Remus: can I unwrap you like a Christmas present?

Marlene: step-mummy please😩

Remus: no one likes a dog that vibrates [padfoot]

Mary: if a bee hit it from the back would it die before it could orgasm?

Peter: I think I could top a spoon

James to Lily: im not wearing anything under this mirror👀

Barty about Regulus: evil dick, giant brain

Sirius: haha [marlene] ate dick

Marlene: BOOBIES? WHERE

Lily, after a marauders prank: I could write a sixteen page essay on how much I wish I were a lesbian

Sirius when Remus walks in: hello sexy male

Sirius: a secret, third thing, my deep ass cheeks

Remus: Lma-no.

Remus: stop saying thick-arse rim!

Marlene, drunk: horse shoes don't go on horse cock, that's why they're horse shoes not horse condoms

Barty, about Regulus: I'd let him punch me for free, but you got PAID?

Sirius: [Regulus!] you devious little dog!

James: I can confirm, [Marlene] and my mum did not have sex to make me

Sirius: someone cummed in a glue bottle, that's why it's so hard

James, panicking to Pomfrey: MY JUGULAR IS JIGGLUNG

Remus: mate stop fingering the biscuit

James: I don't want your drug pens!

James at Marlene: stop underlining your nipple

Sirius: haha there's a man on your tit

James: my mum is not a man! nor a football!

Sirius: [Dumbledore] is a BOTTOM everyone

Barty: I'd be the one DOING the fucking, not getting fucked

Regulus: can I refer to you as a travelling circus?

Barty, in response to ^: well I am a walking joke

Sirius: if you're homophobic you get sent to bitch jail

James: I'm just too quirky for my own good

Sirius: does that mean pussy is dogwater

Sirius when Remus gets rid of his trousers: how much are you selling your arse fabric for?

Remus: I dare you to drink the bananas cum

Lily: I don't want to hold hands with Jesus, put him back on his cross

Sirius, after losing his virginity: I started celebrating because I got to touch arse

Remus: christ no I don't want to touch God's nuts

James when Remus gives him anything: thanks. it doesn't have weed on it, right?

Sirius: I'm like a bird hi-YAH oh shit I pulled a muscle

Remus: the wake up woman touched my penis

James: please stop serenading my father

Marlene: whore core?? I think you mean me when women

Sirius and Regulus about slow walkers: you know what career they can pursue? ROADBLOCKS

James: be careful. I'll beat you up with my Calvin Klein man muscles

James: im clutching my house keys

Effie, about Sirius: I saw him and I knew immediately I should put him in my child jar

Sirius after drinking water: im gonna break records with how much I piss today

Evan, seeing Sirius from afar: is that Jesus christ? why is he so white? absolutely translucent

Barty, holding Regulus's diary: I think this may be a gay sex book

baby James: what do you do? I'm a snot picker

Sirius: thaddeus with the phatteus

Sirius about Regulus: stop babygirl-ifying him! he is not babygirl material! I am :(

Barty: he was a man. probably a white one, there was a lot of audacity

Sirius: that is two cheeks too many mate

Sirius: give me the fathers I need to collect them

Remus: stop squeezing my fucking flange

Regulus: calm your foot before I eat it

Marlene: it dried my nose. it was so dry. drier than a straight man's wife, I'll tell you that

James: oh, you did competitive ballet when you were young? my parents loved me so I can't relate

James, trying to help Remus and Sirius get together: do you like balls bursting in your mouth?

Barty: stop playing with balls in your mouth

James, watching Regulus, Evan and Barty walk into the toilets: three men just walked into the loo, they might kiss~

Remus, trying to find a body wash: does this smell like weiner or hydrangea

Sirius when McGonagall: turn your bagpipes off for [Merlin's] sake

Evan: thumb me bitch

Sirius to Marlene: you already knew you liked women! you were in her boohs!

[onlyplatonicirl]

henlo it is i the headcANON, here to go ramble about everyone's favourite little guy, casey. its insane to me just how much you've endeared me and many other tcoti fans to this silly fella

i can see casey going to a religious school (the only difference from a non religious school is you learn re but literally no one cares lol), most parents will try and send their kids there cause they are known for being better schools (they get more funding for extra lessons), and casey couldnt give less of a shit about it

i also think he wouldve went to an all boys school, he just sorts acts like he did lol

whilst in school my man would try and break every single dress code policy known to man, half of the time hed just show up in his pe clothes, the other time hed show up with no tie, no jacket, a coat and whatever else he could fet his hands on that he wasnt supposed to have (english schools have really strict dress codes, idk why its dumb)

he knows a small amount of spanish, in most british schools you are forced to do mfl (modern foreign languages) and its usually either french or spanish (you rarely have a choice to pick which you want to do), some will let you pick up german and even mandarin but thats usually at gcse level or as an extracurricular activity (which most kids are also forced to do). he isnt fluent in spanish, not by a long shot, but he definitely knows how to have a conversation, albeit very scripted and short. however, one thing he does understand is how to swear in spanish, and what it sounds like. i imagine him and his friends just looking it up on the laptops during class time, definitely to annoy their teacher.

so i have this image in my head that gray doesnt like swearing all that much (maybe fresh got to him lol), so he tends to swear in spanish or french because the british boy wont understand - alas he does

casey could not be arsed with most lessons because he didnt really care about getting a good education since he couldnt see all that bright of a future for himself, if one at all, but he was actually quite good at maths and history, even when he tried not to be

he has been shown on more than one occasion, undernovella, and whilst he was put off it due to it 1. being in spanish, and 2. the cast being played 99% by monsters, he actually really ended up enjoying it by the end

hes also been getting into anime and manga ("dude its like a comic book but even more brutal"), mostly shonen like one punch man and dragon ball, but he also really enjoyed sailor moon and doesnt want to admit to it, he liked the romance and friendship aspect of it, also pretty girls

he has always been into comic books, his favourite super heroes are deadpool and spiderman

before he met gray (properly), he mostly played shooter games (ones that were free or cheap), fortnite, valorant, and a pirated copy of fifa, because thats what guys play. if his past self saw his year 4 stardew valley save file, hed spontaneously combust

i think he also plays splatoon now, he mains the dualies because theyre cool, hed definitely be an inkling as well but thats an au for another day

zelda too

despite everything thats happened, he really did grow to love his last foster mum, she was a single lady and she treated him like her own son. hes had bad experiences with the foster care system in the past (breaking news: fork found in kitchen), parents only taking him in for the money, some wanting to complete their family and forcing him to live by their ideals, all that bad stuff, which is why he often ran away from them. he had run away from his last foster mum, two times before, but it was very early into their relationship before they got to understand each other better.

his last foster mum asked him what his hobbies were his first night at her house, he didnt know, so she suggested he pick up an instrument - he decided the guitar, because it looked cool. he almost cried when she offered to buy him lessons, he didnt take her up on the offer, determined to learn it by himself, and he did

he has a really nice singing voice he'll never let anyone see - hes a lyric baritone

also whilst in canon hes a brummie, i like to imagine he was born a bit further north (hes a mackem to me), and moved to birmingham to be with his most recent and last foster parent, and that he lived there for so long thats hes picked up the accent

he felt really bad leaving her but managed to convincr himself that she would be better off without someone like him in her life

casey is a very traumatised child, he has a lot of triggers and boundaries he doesnt fully understand himself, plus a boat load of unhealthy coping mechanisms (mainly smoking and socially isolating himself)

he tries to keep his bad habits a secret from gray, because he doesnt know how he would feel about it - he knows, he doesnt like it but he isnt exaclty the greatest at having healthy coping mechanisms himself, at the very least he tries to get him to swap one for another, instead of smoking play stardew valley with me for 37 hours straight :) ?

he often struggles with the idea that hes a burden, so he doesnt let people spend money on him, or give him gifts

he also struggles to express his emotions (hes british unfortunately), and has a hard time saying 'i love you' to anyone, the only person he never strugfled saying that to was his mum

bit of a trigger warning, im going to be talking about casey's injuries and all that jazz, so if you dont wanna read, head to the next bullet point! casey shouldnt be alive, the injuries he suffered were severe, the paramedics were convicned he was a lost cause (still they have to do everything they can), so it was a shock to all when he pulled through. this was, however, not without a bit of a battle, and it left permanent effects on his health. casey's lungs are horribly scarred (smoke inhalation will do that to you), and it doesnt help that he smoked before and after. his nerves on the left side of his body where the support beam collapsed on him, are quite literally fried. where it hit directly, he cannot feel anything there, the areas that were dames by the fire however are unbelievably sensitive and painful to the touch. even after the scar healed it stills remains sensitive, so he bandages up those areas. the beam also broke and bruised a lot of his bones, mostly his ribs and the bones in his arms. his left ear is also burnt, and a portion of it, mostly the tips of it, are straight up missing. after recovering from the initial injury, he had a skin graft taken from his right thigh to supplement the damage done to the left side of his face. for a while after he had to take a lot of pain meds, and undergo a ton of therapy both mental and physical - even still hes not fully healed

casey loves animals, particularly dogs. his last foster mother had a german shepherd, and he used to let it sleep on his bed. it made him feel safe and loved. dogs and cats also just like to come up to him on the street, bros a disney princess for real

beefed with paperjam for a while, both had a lack of trust in each other, but they got to be on equal ground after a while, that didnt last long, not since after chapter 31..

hes fighting demons (bisexuality)

ever since he met gray and by extension his wack ass family, hes grown more and more accustomed to monster culture, particularly their disregard for gender norms and compulsive heterosexuality, and hes been experimenting with his gender expression, he never thought hed actually enjoy dressing in pink or taking care of his hair. he tried painting his nails, but did not have the patience to let them dry, he still sometimes wears it, albeit chipped and blotchy, but he thinks it suits him

he has always been fine with being labelled a man, but sometimes he doesnt feel as though it fits him, not entirely, hes not sure what his gender is because sometimes male really does fit him, but other times he just wants to throw the whole concept of gender away, hes stuck with unlabelled for a while and feels as though it somewhat fits him

he once buzzed his hair cause all the guys in his school did for whatever reason, he cried for several hours afterwards and got nicknamed sampson for a week, biggest mistake of his life - bro experienced dysphoria for the first time in his life

celebrates gyftmas because its way cooler than christmas (I NEED A GRACEY GYFTMAS ONESHOT ASAP), he celebrates the majority of monster holidays since everyone (1 to 2 people at max lmao) in the house he currently lives in does too. is confused as to what monster halloween is supposed to be

likes going out with gray (which is once in a blue moon), his favourite spot is waterfall, but he also really likes snowden and hotland

- headcANON

Holy shit HEADCANON I AM EATING SO WELL

Also I hope you don’t mind me tagging @ottererpop because they’re a Casey enthusiast as well and they must see all of this solid gold.

I Must respond to some of these AAA

- I talked with multiple people about how Casey is ABSOLUTELY breaking every dress code he possibly can. Like he would come to school in the bare minimum to not get expelled but his “uniform” would just be wrinkled to hell and his tie would just hang around his neck completely untied

- Casey is genuinely intelligent and if he actually tried in school he would do really well. However he’s a massive shithead and doesn’t care because of how depressed he is

- I do have a very specific speech pattern and tone of voice for him in my head but I’m not sure exactly how to write it. Also about him being from Birmingham - he’s not really from the main city itself but more generally around that area, so he very well could lived farther north and end up closer to the main city has he went to live with foster parents. Im purposefully avoiding getting too detailed with exact places and cities because then it just becomes hyper-specific.

- he absolutely would love undernovella - he love sitcoms so he would adore those over-dramatic plot twists

- He and his current foster mom (before he left ofc) have a tolerable relationship. She was often gone from the house and left him to his own devices, so he would mostly just skip school and play games on his computer all day, which did annoy her significantly.

- his smoking is partially a coping mechanism, partially a peer pressure “cool guy” thing that he picked up, and partially something that could very subtlety equate to self-harm. I could get into a whole thing about his smoking habits. He doesn’t smoke that often, but it is definitely something he tries to hide from Gray. Or at least not make it obvious. Like I said recently PJ has caught him smoking cigs over the kitchen sink while Gray’s been asleep.

- you are correct in your assumption that he doesn’t feel anything on the part of his torso that was severely burnt.

- I’m sure he has shaved all his hair off at some point. In the past he for-sure had one of those haircuts that’s short and buzzed all on the sides but long on the top, or at least buzzed in the back.

- gray’s family and the entire omega timeline being extremely unlabeled when it comes to gender and sexuality, like it’s not a big deal in the slightest, is definitely a massive change for Casey and he struggles to understand it. He’s grown up in an environment where he’s constantly felt like he has to prove how tough and unfeeling he is in order to get ahead. That’s why he’s so embarrassed of his severe sweet tooth, because he’s scared it comes across as “girly”. He’s by no means sexist but he definitely is over-anxious about not being perceived as “weak”.

- I’m sure he would absolutely adore waterfall :)

[tonnerredebrest]

a tired canadian trying to put back together two annoying europeans

summary: Lance is tired. Tired of putting Esteban back up each times Alonso just looks at him, tired of feeling shitty about Mick leaving, and exhausted about having said Spaniard as his teammate. Yet, he needs to be strong, for he’ll learn he has a new quest for the 2023 season: making his teammate and friend see reason, and date again. Also he’ll have to threaten some people to get Mick back on the grid, but nothing is impossible. tags: eventual happy ending, crack, emotional hurt/comfort, eventual fluff, breaking up and getting back together, warnings: none apply, some f-bomb swearing. part: 3 of 6

Part 1 ; Part 2 ;

The first day of testing is a pain in the arse, literally. Yeah, he got his seat fit and other things, but that damn porpoising hurts his back. Something else also hurts, irritates him, and it’s his goddamn teammate. That man has deemed that it was a good idea to just stroll back to Esteban, as if nothing happened, as if they were still together and in the same team.

It nearly broke the Frenchman to the ground. And guess who has to scramble for the pieces of that lanky drivers, put them back together to make him survive the day? Yeah, you’re goddamn right it was the Powerpuff boys. Mick will stay for a bit in the UAE, to hang out with some of his own friends, and be the excellent emotional support golden retriever friend he is. Lance can’t thank him enough for that, it’s always hard to take care of Este alone.

They got absolutely trashed at the end of the year parties, going from one place to another, purposefully avoiding the Yankees and one Spanish driver. They know some pics will be bound to leak, but they don’t worry that much. After all; it was Seb’s retirement, they can and will use this excuse.

Anyway, once again, Este is having a hard time adjusting to this new relationship, or rather lack of thereof, he has with Fernando. He is pacing in Este��s hotel room, their favourite meetup point mind you, mumbling in his beard and sometimes moving his hands, as if he is Italian. Lance and Mick just patiently wait on the bed, for whatever their best friend wants to talk about now. For once, he seems pretty angry. Everything is better than a sad Este, Lance thinks, and soon regrets.

“I just don’t understand,” the French driver’s voice always gets that annoying Normand accent when he doesn’t mind it. “He leaves the team, without looking back, and doesn’t give a fuck about consequences. He ignores me, ignored his responsibilities towards the team, and then, as if the rain didn’t fell from the sky, after he changes teams, he comes back to me. He thinks I’m a fucking idiot.”

You’re an idiot, Lance thinks.

“Oh ta gueule, Lance, I perfectly know what you think. Anyway, he dares coming back towards me, that bastard dares to do that, and for what? Just for a ‘Hello, how are you doing?’ I swear to you two I will strangle him.”

Lance and Mick look at each other, now just a little concerned about Alonso’s safety.

“We’ll help you hide the body,” Lance jokes, eyes already glittering at the idea.

“Ta gueule, Lance,” Mick repeats, focusing on Este instead. “And you did you feel? Apart from the feeling of being taken as a joke, of course.”

“Je…” The French driver looks at the window, his brain freezing.

Then, Lance and Mick are the spectators of a man loosing all his composure, and crumbling. Este’s lips begin to tremble, his eyes are watering. Both German and Canadian driver immediately go to him, to reassure and cuddle him.

“I let him do, I let him say hello to me, I let him lie to me, I let myself imagine that, maybe, he’ll come back, that he is coming back, that all of this is just a nightmare, but no…”

Esteban is quietly crying on Lance’s shoulder.

“I thought it was a nightmare, and that he was coming back to wake me up, but no…”

The next day, when Lance sees Alonso again in the garage, he has to physically restrain him from punching the man. The Canadian has spend some time with Daniel, he got a little bit of UFC and MMA knowledge, he is certain the Spaniard will be the one hurting the most if Lance ever decks him, and not him, no matter how many times Mick insists he doesn’t know how to fight.

After some painful driving, they are in the garage, discussing whatever teammates and their race-engineers need to discuss. As always, Lance is propped against the wall, leaning on it because he’s tired. Alonso is close, far too close to his liking. As his own race-engineer, Ben, is talking to Chris, Alonso’s engineer, about some new wing features, Lance just stares at the man in front of him.

He knows he has his best bitchy and bored face on, and he does truly wonder if he can just hit the man from his position, without moving. Faking some stretchering, he tries out the distance, sadly for him, and happily for Alonso, Lance is still too far from his teammate.

You lucked out this one, but don’t think I won’t ambush you next time.

[leina-reads-homestuck]

Beforus Vriska lore part 1

Been a while I wanted to write it down. First, a few words about Vriska's appearance : think of... well, the usual Vriska, only leaner, taller, without glasses, and with somehow even wilder hair than og Vriska has. I couldn't really think of anything original regarding her appearance. She wears a long black skirt.

Content warning for dubious working morals, cloning, german weapons, and probably a thousand grammar errors.

So. Beforus. Ages ago.

Your name is Vriska.

A twelve-sweeps old cerulean troll with a penchant for setting things on fire... but we'll get to that soon.

You live a relatively peaceful life on your relatively peaceful planet. Feeding your lusus would be a daunting task if she wasn't minuscule. The species of spider she belongs to has the reputation to become more and more aggressive and demanding as it grows older and larger, but you do not need to worry about it now, as she fits into the palm of your hand. You're more concerned about stopping her from getting sat on, or from eating all her spidersnacks in one go.

Imagine if you had been adopted by one of the older, massive spiders though. Haha.

You go to a Troll Academy of sorts, well it's not its real name, but it's a place where you go to learn about strategy and military tactics and stuff.

You enjoy bullying (affectionately) the Heiress, that nerd, taking long walks on the 8each and hanging out with your friends, especially that blue dude named Zahhak who promised to create a robospider for you. For now, nobody suspects the potential for misfire in your 8rain.

And speaking of fire...

Let's skip to a few sweeps later.

There's a murderer acting up in your area of residence. Fucker seems to be targeting mostly young female warmbloods, which is unfortunate, but likely doesn't concern you, and the Heiress - now Empress - has promised she would deploy all the resources she can to catch the culprit.

Sadly, it remains elusive.

Then one day, of your chambermaids (with whom you were... well... intim8) becomes his target.

She manages to escape, but is wounded.

That's when you see red. Forget about the army of robospiders you had kindly requested from Zahhak - you're gonna need something that's more uh, impactful.

Yeah, that'll do.

Your caste duties require you to take care of warmer castes, which you find quite boring, except when a troll close to you gets hurt - you also possess unusually high empathy levels for someone of your rank (not that all ceruleans are assholes, but...), and the suffering your chambermaid has gone through has left quite the imprint on your mind.

Time for revenge.

And thus, armed with this weapon and after using your charm convincing another of your chambermaids to serve as a decoy, you finally manage to locate the fucker and 8laze his arse.

Yay.

Then you move on to local troll gang members, because they've been pissing you off too, and then to basically anyone who's trying to pick a fight with you.

You don't always burn your adversaries to death, because your weapon has adjustable settings and allows you to pick the cooking temp, so to speak.

Right when you ponder about becoming a bounty hunter, it's your turn to be arrested, because you've made excessive use of an unauthorized weapon to set trolls on fire, as well as the occasional clown church (it was a mistake, you swear), and that's against the law.

[theabstruseone]

You can also learn a lot of interesting stuff, like the English language has classism baked into it. This one's pretty common knowledge but just in case anyone doesn't know...

Back in 1066, William the Conquerer earned his name by conquering England. He was also known as William of Normandy because he was from Normandy and William the Bastard because his daddy got with the tanner's daughter, but it's the "Norman" part we're interested in.

After he won the Battle of Hastings and took over England, he began to install his own people as nobles across the land to prevent revolts. They spoke Old Norman French, which was derived from Latin.

The common people, however, spoke Old English aka Anglo-Saxon, which was Germanic.

And it wasn't until the 1400s that the two languages finally started to merge, so for FOUR CENTURIES, the nobility spoke their own language separate from the common people.

This is why English has a bunch of seemingly redundant terms: Will and Testament, Cease and Desist, Aid and Abet, etc. It was because the terms originated in law and they wanted to be sure the law was understood by everyone, so you get the English "Will" and Norman "Testament".

Meanwhile, the words for a lot of things took on descriptive connotations because of the inherent class difference. The common person lived in a hut sitting on a stool wearing a shirt, while the noble lived in a mansion sitting on a chair wearing a blouse. The commoners raised the livestock of cows, chickens, pigs, and sheep so they could be butchered and then eaten by the nobles as beef, poultry, pork, and mutton.

At the time, all these words had the same meaning. The rich called the horned animals hunted in the woods "venison" and the poor called them "deer", but because the rich more likely saw them in their dressed and cooked form, that became the word for the food rather than the animal.

The Anglo-Saxon words were considered so coarse and unseemly in polite society that's where we got our first curse words: derriere is polite while ass/arse is a swear, defecate is polite while shit(e) is a swear.

And they've become quality markers as well. "Woodwork" implies a coarse crafted item while "carpentry" implies something properly built and sanded and fitted to high standards. A workman's tool gets a "handbook" while a sophisticated machine gets a "manual".

All these word pairs used to mean the same thing, but the classism of England changed the very meaning of the words to take on that classism as part of the definition.

[priwenshallprevail]

𝐕𝐎𝐈𝐂𝐄 / 𝐒𝐏𝐄𝐄𝐂𝐇 𝐂𝐀𝐍𝐎𝐍𝐒 Character:

Geσʄʄɾeʯ Aσɗɧɑ́ɳ McCʋllʋɱ

Reference to his accent/voice.

𝙽𝙾. 𝙾𝙵 𝚂𝙿𝙾𝙺𝙴𝙽 𝙻𝙰𝙽𝙶𝚄𝙰𝙶𝙴𝚂: Fluent in English and Gaeilge ( Irish ). Knows fragments of Latin. Bare minimum basic in German and French.

𝚃𝙾𝙽𝙴 𝙾𝙵 𝚅𝙾𝙸𝙲𝙴: high / average / deep (naturally lower larynx / more under baritone than bass.)

𝙰𝙲𝙲𝙴𝙽𝚃: Yes ( Irish / Leaning heavily close to Ulster dialect. )

𝙳𝙴𝙼𝙴𝙰𝙽𝙾𝚁: confident / arrogant / valiant / hostile / demeaning / playfully vexing / other-blend / restless

𝙿𝙾𝚂𝚃𝚄𝚁𝙴: slumped / straight / stiff / relaxed / composed

𝙷𝙰𝙱𝙸𝚃𝚂: head tilting  / swaying impatiently from leg to leg / (smoking) / drinking heavily / gesturing / swearing and or insulting in native tongue / arm crossing / hands in pockets / strokes chin / er, um, or other interjections / plays with hair or clothing / hands at hips / inconsistent eye contact / maintains eye contact / frequent pausing / stands close / stands at distance

𝐂𝐎𝐌𝐏𝐋𝐄𝐗𝐈𝐓𝐘.

𝚅𝙾𝙲𝙰𝙱𝚄𝙻𝙰𝚁𝚈:  ⬛  ⬛  ⬛ ⬜  ⬜  

𝙴𝙼𝙾𝚃𝙸𝙾𝙽:  ⬛  ⬛ ⬛ ⬜  ⬜  

𝚂𝙴𝙽𝚃𝙴𝙽𝙲𝙴 𝚂𝚃𝚁𝚄𝙲𝚃𝚄𝚁𝙴:  ⬛  ⬛ ⬛ ⬜ ⬜

𝐏𝐑𝐎𝐅𝐀𝐍𝐈𝐓𝐘.

𝙵𝚁𝙴𝚀𝚄𝙴𝙽𝙲𝚈:  ⬛ ⬛ ⬛ ⬛ ⬜ 

𝙲𝚁𝙴𝙰𝚃𝙸𝚅𝙸𝚃𝚈:  ⬛ ⬛ ⬛  ⬛ ⬜  

𝐁𝐎𝐋𝐃 𝐀𝐋𝐋 𝐓𝐇𝐀𝐓 𝐀𝐏𝐏𝐋𝐘.

arse. ass. asshole. bastard. bitch. bloody. bugger. bollocks. chicken shit. crap. cunt. dick. frick. fuck. horseshit. motherfucker. fuckface. jackass. piss stain. simp. limp dick. piss. prick. screw. shit. shitass. shitface. shithead. son of a bitch. twat. wanker. pussy. (kine. leech. mutt. Sasanach/Sassenach : Meant as a derogatory approach for an Englishman, or English in general. Due to the outlawing of Gaeilge. It's pushed onto the English as means of defiance. A contrast to how they perceive the Irish. By itself it isn't meant to be derogatory. Depending on context. Irish - Scot spelling variant. Not going to sugar coat the civil hostility between the English and Irish during that era. )

𝐆𝐈𝐕𝐄𝐍 𝐏𝐑𝐎𝐏𝐄𝐑 𝐑𝐄𝐋𝐈𝐆𝐈𝐎𝐔𝐒 𝐂𝐎𝐍𝐓𝐄𝐗𝐓.

christ on a bike. christ on a cracker. damn. goddamn. godsdamn. fresh hell. hell. holy shit. jesus. jesus christ. jesus h christ. jesus h. roosevelt christ. lord have mercy. jesus, mary and joseph. sweet jesus. sweet zombie jesus.

𝐓𝐇𝐈𝐒 𝐎𝐑 𝐓𝐇𝐀𝐓

straightforward or cryptic? finding the right word or using the first word that comes to mind? masculinity, neutrality, or femininity? formalities ( mainly used for mockery) or abrasiveness?praise or equivocation? frankness or lies? excessive or minimal hand gestures? name-calling or magnanimity?friendly or blunt nicknames? (People do both depending on context! Context matters!)

𝐈𝐌𝐏𝐎𝐑𝐓𝐀𝐍𝐓 𝐐𝐔𝐄𝐒𝐓𝐈𝐎𝐍𝐒.

𝙳𝙾 𝙿𝙴𝙾𝙿𝙻𝙴 𝙷𝙰𝚅𝙴 𝙰 𝙷𝙰𝚁𝙳 𝚃𝙸𝙼𝙴 𝚄𝙽𝙳𝙴𝚁𝚂𝚃𝙰𝙽𝙳𝙸𝙽𝙶 𝙾𝚁 𝙷𝙴𝙰𝚁𝙸𝙽𝙶 𝚈𝙾𝚄𝚁 𝙲𝙷𝙰𝚁𝙰𝙲𝚃𝙴𝚁? almost always / frequently / sometimes / rarely /never.

𝙳𝙾𝙴𝚂 𝚈𝙾𝚄𝚁 𝙲𝙷𝙰𝚁𝙰𝙲𝚃𝙴𝚁’𝚂 𝙿𝙾𝙸𝙽𝚃 𝙲𝙾𝙼𝙴 𝙰𝙲𝚁𝙾𝚂𝚂 𝙴𝙰𝚂𝙸𝙻𝚈 𝚆𝙷𝙴𝙽 𝚃𝙷𝙴𝚈 𝚂𝙿𝙴𝙰𝙺? almost always / frequently / sometimes / rarely / never.

𝚆𝙾𝚄𝙻𝙳 𝚈𝙾𝚄𝚁 𝙲𝙷𝙰𝚁𝙰𝙲𝚃𝙴𝚁 𝙸𝙽𝙸𝚃𝙸𝙰𝚃𝙴 𝙲𝙾𝙽𝚅𝙴𝚁𝚂𝙰𝚃𝙸𝙾𝙽𝚂? almost always / frequently / neutral / sometimes / rarely / never.

𝚆𝙾𝚄𝙻𝙳 𝚈𝙾𝚄𝚁 𝙲𝙷𝙰𝚁𝙰𝙲𝚃𝙴𝚁 𝙱𝙴 𝚃𝙷𝙴 𝙾𝙽𝙴 𝚃𝙾 𝙴𝙽𝙳 𝙲𝙾𝙽𝚅𝙴𝚁𝚂𝙰𝚃𝙸𝙾𝙽𝚂? almost always / frequently / sometimes / rarely / never.

𝚆𝙾𝚄𝙻𝙳 𝚈𝙾𝚄𝚁 𝙲𝙷𝙰𝚁𝙰𝙲𝚃𝙴𝚁 𝚄𝚂𝙴 ‘𝚆𝙷𝙾𝙼’ 𝙸𝙽 𝙰 𝚂𝙴𝙽𝚃𝙴𝙽𝙲𝙴? yes / no/ only ironically.

𝚈𝙾𝚄𝚁 𝙲𝙷𝙰𝚁𝙰𝙲𝚃𝙴𝚁 𝚆𝙰𝙽𝚃𝚂 𝚃𝙾 𝙼𝙰𝙺𝙴 𝙰 𝙲𝙾𝚄𝙽𝚃𝙴𝚁𝙿𝙾𝙸𝙽𝚃. 𝚆𝙷𝙰𝚃 𝚆𝙾𝚁𝙳 𝙳𝙾 𝚃𝙷𝙴𝚈 𝚄𝚂𝙴? but / though / although / however / perhaps / maybe / mayhaps  

𝙷𝙾𝚆 𝙳𝙾𝙴𝚂 𝚈𝙾𝚄𝚁 𝙲𝙷𝙰𝚁𝙰𝙲𝚃𝙴𝚁 𝙴𝙽𝙳 𝙲𝙾𝙽𝚅𝙴𝚁𝚂𝙰𝚃𝙸𝙾𝙽𝚂? walk away / ask if that’s everything / say that’s everything / give a proper goodbye / tell their company they’re done here / remain quiet / they don’t.

𝙷𝙾𝚆 𝙳𝙾𝙴𝚂 𝚈𝙾𝚄𝚁 𝙲𝙷𝙰𝚁𝙰𝙲𝚃𝙴𝚁 𝙰𝙳𝙳𝚁𝙴𝚂𝚂 𝙾𝚃𝙷𝙴𝚁𝚂? titles / first names / surnames / full names / nicknames

𝙸𝙽 𝚆𝙷𝙰𝚃 𝚆𝙰𝚈𝚂 𝙳𝙾𝙴𝚂 𝚃𝙷𝙴 𝚆𝙰𝚈 𝚈𝙾𝚄𝚁 𝙲𝙷𝙰𝚁𝙰𝙲𝚃𝙴𝚁'S 𝚂𝙿𝙴ECH 𝚂𝚃𝙰𝙽𝙳 𝙾𝚄𝚃 𝚃𝙾 𝙾𝚃𝙷𝙴𝚁𝚂?  accent / vocabulary/ tone / volume / politeness / brusqueness / it doesn’t.

Tagged by : @nihiladditaenihilperdidi [ Thank you ! I enjoyed this one. &lt;3 ] Tagging : @arcanescholxr @coivi @valdorin , @wiiaca , @pushspacetocontinue , @astridnorddottir , @ofsupernaturals

[pushspacetocontinue]

𝐕𝐎𝐈𝐂𝐄 / 𝐒𝐏𝐄𝐄𝐂𝐇 𝐂𝐀𝐍𝐎𝐍𝐒

Character: Russell Tolbert

𝙽𝙾. 𝙾𝙵 𝚂𝙿𝙾𝙺𝙴𝙽 𝙻𝙰𝙽𝙶𝚄𝙰𝙶𝙴𝚂: Fluent in English and American Sign Language. Can mostly speak French and German, but it's fairly obvious he's not a native speaker.

𝚃𝙾𝙽𝙴 𝙾𝙵 𝚅𝙾𝙸𝙲𝙴: high / average / deep

𝙰𝙲𝙲𝙴𝙽𝚃: Yes (it's very pronounced that he's from Boston, especially given that he currently lives in Washington)

𝙳𝙴𝙼𝙴𝙰𝙽𝙾𝚁: confident / arrogant / valiant / hostile / (self) demeaning / playfully vexing / other-blend / restless

𝙿𝙾𝚂𝚃𝚄𝚁𝙴: slumped / straight / stiff / relaxed / composed

𝙷𝙰𝙱𝙸𝚃𝚂: head tilting / swaying impatiently from leg to leg / smoking / drinking heavily / gesturing / swearing and or insulting in native tongue / arm crossing / hands in pockets / strokes chin / er, um, or other interjections / plays with hair or clothing / hands at hips / inconsistent eye contact / maintains eye contact / frequent pausing / stands close / stands at distance

𝐂𝐎𝐌𝐏𝐋𝐄𝐗𝐈𝐓𝐘.

𝚅𝙾𝙲𝙰𝙱𝚄𝙻𝙰𝚁𝚈: ⬛ ⬛ ⬛ ⬜ ⬜

𝙴𝙼𝙾𝚃𝙸𝙾𝙽: ⬛ ⬛ ⬜ ⬜ ⬜

𝚂𝙴𝙽𝚃𝙴𝙽𝙲𝙴 𝚂𝚃𝚁𝚄𝙲𝚃𝚄𝚁𝙴: ⬛ ⬜ ⬜ ⬜ ⬜

𝐏𝐑𝐎𝐅𝐀𝐍𝐈𝐓𝐘.

𝙵𝚁𝙴𝚀𝚄𝙴𝙽𝙲𝚈: ⬛ ⬛ ⬛ ⬜ ⬜

𝙲𝚁𝙴𝙰𝚃𝙸𝚅𝙸𝚃𝚈: ⬛ ⬜ ⬜ ⬜ ⬜

𝐁𝐎𝐋𝐃 𝐀𝐋𝐋 𝐓𝐇𝐀𝐓 𝐀𝐏𝐏𝐋𝐘.

arse. ass. asshole. bastard. bitch. bloody. bugger. bollocks. chicken shit. crap. cunt. dick. frick. fuck. horseshit. motherfucker. fuckface. jackass. piss stain. simp. limp dick. piss. prick. screw. shit. shitass. shitface. shithead. son of a bitch. twat. wanker. pussy. kine.

𝐆𝐈𝐕𝐄𝐍 𝐏𝐑𝐎𝐏𝐄𝐑 𝐑𝐄𝐋𝐈𝐆𝐈𝐎𝐔𝐒 𝐂𝐎𝐍𝐓𝐄𝐗𝐓.

christ on a bike. christ on a cracker. damn. goddamn. godsdamn. fresh hell. hell. holy shit. jesus. jesus christ. jesus h christ. jesus h. roosevelt christ. lord have mercy. jesus, mary and joseph. sweet jesus. sweet zombie jesus.

𝐓𝐇𝐈𝐒 𝐎𝐑 𝐓𝐇𝐀𝐓

straightforward or cryptic? finding the right word or using the first word that comes to mind? masculinity, neutrality, or femininity? formalities or abrasiveness? praise or equivocation? frankness or lies? excessive or minimal hand gestures? name-calling or magnanimity? friendly or blunt nicknames?

𝐈𝐌𝐏𝐎𝐑𝐓𝐀𝐍𝐓 𝐐𝐔𝐄𝐒𝐓𝐈𝐎𝐍𝐒.

𝙳𝙾 𝙿𝙴𝙾𝙿𝙻𝙴 𝙷𝙰𝚅𝙴 𝙰 𝙷𝙰𝚁𝙳 𝚃𝙸𝙼𝙴 𝚄𝙽𝙳𝙴𝚁𝚂𝚃𝙰𝙽𝙳𝙸𝙽𝙶 𝙾𝚁 𝙷𝙴𝙰𝚁𝙸𝙽𝙶 𝚈𝙾𝚄𝚁 𝙲𝙷𝙰𝚁𝙰𝙲𝚃𝙴𝚁? almost always / frequently / sometimes / rarely /never.

𝙳𝙾𝙴𝚂 𝚈𝙾𝚄𝚁 𝙲𝙷𝙰𝚁𝙰𝙲𝚃𝙴𝚁’𝚂 𝙿𝙾𝙸𝙽𝚃 𝙲𝙾𝙼𝙴 𝙰𝙲𝚁𝙾𝚂𝚂 𝙴𝙰𝚂𝙸𝙻𝚈 𝚆𝙷𝙴𝙽 𝚃𝙷𝙴𝚈 𝚂𝙿𝙴𝙰𝙺? almost always / frequently / sometimes / rarely / never.

𝚆𝙾𝚄𝙻𝙳 𝚈𝙾𝚄𝚁 𝙲𝙷𝙰𝚁𝙰𝙲𝚃𝙴𝚁 𝙸𝙽𝙸𝚃𝙸𝙰𝚃𝙴 𝙲𝙾𝙽𝚅𝙴𝚁𝚂𝙰𝚃𝙸𝙾𝙽𝚂? almost always / frequently / neutral / sometimes / rarely / never.

𝚆𝙾𝚄𝙻𝙳 𝚈𝙾𝚄𝚁 𝙲𝙷𝙰𝚁𝙰𝙲𝚃𝙴𝚁 𝙱𝙴 𝚃𝙷𝙴 𝙾𝙽𝙴 𝚃𝙾 𝙴𝙽𝙳 𝙲𝙾𝙽𝚅𝙴𝚁𝚂𝙰𝚃𝙸𝙾𝙽𝚂? almost always / frequently / sometimes / rarely / never.

𝚆𝙾𝚄𝙻𝙳 𝚈𝙾𝚄𝚁 𝙲𝙷𝙰𝚁𝙰𝙲𝚃𝙴𝚁 𝚄𝚂𝙴 ‘𝚆𝙷𝙾𝙼’ 𝙸𝙽 𝙰 𝚂𝙴𝙽𝚃𝙴𝙽𝙲𝙴? yes / no/ only ironically.

𝚈𝙾𝚄𝚁 𝙲𝙷𝙰𝚁𝙰𝙲𝚃𝙴𝚁 𝚆𝙰𝙽𝚃𝚂 𝚃𝙾 𝙼𝙰𝙺𝙴 𝙰 𝙲𝙾𝚄𝙽𝚃𝙴𝚁𝙿𝙾𝙸𝙽𝚃. 𝚆𝙷𝙰𝚃 𝚆𝙾𝚁𝙳 𝙳𝙾 𝚃𝙷𝙴𝚈 𝚄𝚂𝙴? but / though / although / however / perhaps / maybe / mayhaps

𝙷𝙾𝚆 𝙳𝙾𝙴𝚂 𝚈𝙾𝚄𝚁 𝙲𝙷𝙰𝚁𝙰𝙲𝚃𝙴𝚁 𝙴𝙽𝙳 𝙲𝙾𝙽𝚅𝙴𝚁𝚂𝙰𝚃𝙸𝙾𝙽𝚂? walk away / ask if that’s everything / say that’s everything / give a proper goodbye / tell their company they’re done here / remain quiet / they don’t.

𝙷𝙾𝚆 𝙳𝙾𝙴𝚂 𝚈𝙾𝚄𝚁 𝙲𝙷𝙰𝚁𝙰𝙲𝚃𝙴𝚁 𝙰𝙳𝙳𝚁𝙴𝚂𝚂 𝙾𝚃𝙷𝙴𝚁𝚂? titles / first names / surnames / full names / nicknames

𝙸𝙽 𝚆𝙷𝙰𝚃 𝚆𝙰𝚈𝚂 𝙳𝙾𝙴𝚂 𝚃𝙷𝙴 𝚆𝙰𝚈 𝚈𝙾𝚄𝚁 𝙲𝙷𝙰𝚁𝙰𝙲𝚃𝙴𝚁'S 𝚂𝙿𝙴ECH 𝚂𝚃𝙰𝙽𝙳 𝙾𝚄𝚃 𝚃𝙾 𝙾𝚃𝙷𝙴𝚁𝚂? accent / vocabulary/ tone / volume / politeness / brusqueness / it doesn’t. (it possibly stands out due to his stammer as well to be honest)

Tagged by: @priwenshallprevail (Thank you so much!)

Tagging: Anyone who sees this and would like to do it.

[hella1975]

my very english sister is doing her placement year in germany and her only complaint is "i miss swearing"

[blubushie]

Scout says "ass," "freaking," "crap," "dumbass," and "bastard."

Soldier says "bastard," "son of a bitch," "asses," and "crapped."

Pyro says "HUDDAH!" The worst offender.

Demo says "bloody," "arse," "bloody," "God dammit," and in his uncensored Meet the Demoman clip he says "fecking."

Heavy doesn't swear at all.

Engie says "damn," "son of a bitch," and "ass."

Medic says "bastards" in German.

Spy outright says "shit," but he says it in French, so I reckon it doesn't count.

Sniper says "wanker," "piss," "nance," "bloody," "bugger," and "bastard." He also says "rooting," which is equivalent to "fucking." Sniper, in true Aussie fashion, takes the bread for most swears.

Why is Engie allowed to say 'bitches' but Scout has to say 'freaking' instead of 'fucking'? Like, that just don't make sense. Those words are about as bad as each other, right?

In fact, I might be wrong about this, but do any of the other mercs swear or is it only Engie? Because I can't think of any other voice lines I've heard with swears in them other than Engie's.

[scuttle-buttle]

WC: 683

Rated: T

Tags: language, babies, pissed Niki, James being James, whoops, german insults

A/N: inspired by @themusingofagothicsoul

🍑

Niki was furious. Three laps left to go in the Grand Prix at Imola and he was forced to retire. As he was going around a tight curve in the circuit a first year driver came flying by too fast, causing a tailspin that hit his car and snapped his front axle. The drive for Ligier remained unscathed, naturally, and recovered himself to continue the race.

Niki stomped back to the pit absolutely seething. That gottverdammt rookie doesn’t know how to drive! In the time it took him to make it back to camp the race was over. At least the dummkopf for Ligier didn’t place, he grumbled to himself.

As he reached camp he saw you pacing, little Sara perched on your hip. The minute you see him approach you run up to wrap your free arm around him. “Oh thank god you’re alright. I was so worried, Niki.” He hardly has room to breathe with how close you hold him. Sara looks around, babbling at nothing in particular as she is too young to understand. He leans to drop a chaste kiss to her tiny ruffled sunhat.

“I’m fine, liebe. Can’t say the same for the car,” he huffs. He knows driving is so dangerous, but since his daughter was born last year he’s been a bit more cautious, doing whatever it takes to be able to come back to you both in one piece. You go to pull him towards the trailer so he can get out of his dirty coveralls; he suddenly jerks out of your grasp.

“Hey! Asshole!” Niki turns to face that idiot driver as he walks by. “You could have killed us! What the hell are you thinking pulling a fucking stupid move like that?!” He doesn’t hold back his attack; livid at the thought that he could’ve just died at the hands of this reckless hotshot. His pointer finger stabs at the man’s chest. The driver, clearly young, looks scared shitless. Good.

“Hey man I’m sorry, okay? This stuff happens!”

“Not if you don’t drive like a reckless ass-!”

“Ass.”

Niki’s tirade dies on his tongue at the sound. He whips his head towards you; you’re looking down at the baby. Your jaw is dropped in shock.

“Ass. Assss. Assss-asss-asss-ahhhssss!” Sara repeats the sound in her childish voice, her face bright with joy. Spittle sprays from her lips as she blows out the S sounds.

You and Niki had been trying for weeks to get her to say her first word - mama, papa; the two of you pushed to be the winner in your little competition. Every night you went to bed disappointed. Now here his daughter is, saying her first word.

And it’s ass.

Oh mein Gott - what have I done?

Your gaze moves to your husband, face full of horror as people around you begin to stare. “Niki I swear you did not just have our daughter’s first word be A-S-S?!” you hiss in embarrassment.

He at least has the sense to look sheepish. The other driver that looked about ready to piss himself now works to contain his laughter.

Elena and James walk up from behind, having been off doing something or another the last ten minutes. Seeing your horrified expressions, Elena asks “what’d we miss?”

Sara answers for you - “assssss ass asssss ahhh!”

You gesture to Niki, your face pinched and red as the baby yells. Elena covers her giggles with her hand; she knew about your efforts in getting the little one to speak finally.

James leans in close to Sara, just barely controlling his own amusement. “Arse, yeah? Is that right? Uh huh...really? I see.” he carries on a one-sided conversation with her as she happily babbles.

“James! Don’t encourage her!”

Standing to his full height, a smug smile on his face, he gives Niki a slap on the back. “Guess you really are an arse man, huh? Apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. She’s gonna fit in just fine.”

Niki just sighs. He knows he’ll never hear the end of this as long as he lives.

Tag list: @ay0nha @apparrio @livvyshmiv @fictionlandslanddreams @vinylrosess @typical-bistander @ntlmundy @mymagicsuitcase @anteroom-of-death @somethingthatsaysbubbles @lieutenantn @multiversemarielle @trashbin2 @whatawildone @metalbreakfast @laura-naruto-fan1998 @greeneyedblondie44 @godidontevenknowwhat @marchingicenotes7

[lu-undy]

Request #6

" sniper and spy or Lucien and Mundy going record shopping" 

Here it is!

“May I turn the radio off?”

“Don’t like a bit of music?”

Spy blew his cigarette smoke away. He extended his hand through the window such that he could shake the ashes off outside of the van. They flew down and landed on the asphalt before the gush of air trailing behind the van made them spiral and dispersed them into the desert.

“Sniper, this might be the hundredth time that we hear this preposterous noise that you dare call music.”

Sniper chuckled. 

“Such a posh snob, you are.” They exchanged a gaze and a conniving smile. “I love you, you bastard.”

“Well, I shall take the ‘I love you’ and give you back the ‘bastard’ if you don’t mind.” He answered with a smug grin.

“Right, y’know what?”

“Pray tell.”

“I’m drivin’ us to the city, right?”

“Unless you changed your mind, and I would rather not as my stock of cigarettes is depleting at great speed - I wonder why…”

“Are you sayin’ it’s my fault?”

“Well, who else is helping themselves to my cigarette case, hm?”

“Don’t know, you tell me!” Sniper answered. “Whoever that is, he’s gettin’ a bit too close to you for my taste, eh.”

“Is he?” Spy raised an eyebrow. 

“Yeah, he bloody is.” Sniper slid a hand away from the steering wheel and on his lover’s thigh. “Gotta let him know that no one else but me can get a cig’ from you like that, eh? Who the hell does he think he is?”

“Well, I think you have come to a conclusion by yourself, mon loup.”

[my wolf]

“Did I?”

“You said it yourself, no one else but you can take a cigarette from me, no one else but you can slide a hand to my breast pocket without losing a wrist. So it is indeed, you.” 

“You got proof?”

“Better than that.” Spy answered and Sniper turned to look him in the eye. “I have you.” 

He put his gloved hand on top of the Aussie’s, on his thigh and their eyes lingered on each other for a second.

“But please, pray tell me what your idea was.” Spy asked.

“We could go and buy some tunes.” Sniper said Spy’s eyebrows jumped. “You can buy your classical music or whatever a fancy arse like you likes, and I’ll get some proper nice music.”

Spy’s smug grin grew.

“Fine, I shall take up the challenge, on one condition.” He raised his index finger and turned to look Sniper in the eye. The Aussie moved his eyes from the road to his lover’s. “You admit that you like my ‘fancy arse’.”

Sniper smiled and chuckled.

“Spook…”

“Come on, don’t cower away.”

“Me? A coward? Nah.” Sniper chuckled.

“Then say it.” Spy insisted. “How hard can it be, hm?”

“Fuck you, Spook.”

“Do it yourself.”

“You askin’?”

“You heard me, and you won’t make me repeat it.” The Frenchman smiled.

Both chuckled.

“Right, let’s get yer cigs and then, off to a record shop, yeah?”

“D’accord.”

[Alright.]

When they reached the city, Sniper parked. 

“Go ahead, I’ll wait for you here.”

“Fine.”

The van’s door opened, passenger's side, and a black, varnished, Italian shoe landed on the grey, concrete sidewalk with a soft click of the heel. Spy exited and turned to Sniper as he fluidly closed the button of his jacket. He winked at the Aussie who shook his head, while rolling his eyes. Spy nonetheless noticed the blush on his lover’s cheeks through the window. He turned his back and let his hips sway. He knew Sniper was watching...

Spy entered the nearby shop and bought more of his beloved menthol cigarettes - imported straight from France, mind you - before returning to the van.

“Got your stuff?”

“I thought that we clearly established and proved that it was yours as much as it was mine.” Spy said and put the cardboard bag on the floor next to his crossed legs.

“Yeah, well… Also, it should be illegal to walk the way you do when you are like you are…”

“Stalker.” Spy answered.

“It’s part of my job to follow my targets, eh?”

“Am I a target?”

“Oh, yeah.”

“How high is the bounty over my head, then, chasseur sauvage?”

[wild hunter]

“Not high enough, should be definitely higher. Bloke like you? Hard to find, and even harder to catch.” Sniper answered and Spy turned to him with pink upper cheeks.

“Merci.”

“Welcome, gorgeous. Now, where’s that record shop… I swear it’s somewhere in this street… Ah! There it is.”

Sniper parked again.

“Right, so what do we say, one disc each?”

“That sounds reasonable. But let us make it a bit more interesting than that, shall we?” The devil with the malicious smirk suggested.

“Alright, I’m listenin’.”

“You will have to find a song that you think I will appreciate and I will do the same for you.”

“How the hell am I supposed to guess your taste?” Sniper asked.

“Use this…” Spy poked his lover’s forehead. “And this.” He poked his chest, where his heart was. “And with a bit of luck, you should find something.”

“Spook, I-I don’t know, I mean…”

“Come on, you know me better than anyone else for thousands of miles around. I am sure you will find something.” Spy winked at his lover and exited the van. Sniper followed him and both entered the shop.

Both headed in different directions. Sniper’s first guess was classical music. He took disc after disc, but the German, Italian and French names didn’t mean anything to him. And what was that habit of putting numbers on the pieces couldn’t they give them proper names…? He sighed and decided to walk around instead, until something would catch his eye. 

Sniper put his hands in his pockets and took step after step, travelling through countries and centuries, styles and genres, while only crossing the aisles of that record shop. Suddenly, a familiar smell tickled his nostrils. He blinked repeatedly and looked around him.

“Spook, quit followin’ me while bein’ invisible. That’s cheatin’.” He gently said at the air in front of him and out of a cloud of thin smoke, the man in the mask and suit appeared. 

“What gave me away?”

“Your awfully expensive perfume.”

“Ah, I will thus have to blame the man who complimented me for it a few weeks ago. It completely ruined this tailing operation.” He smiled and raised his arctic blue eyes to the Aussie. “I see you haven’t found your happiness yet.” He said looking at his empty hands.

“I have, ‘m lookin’ at it.” Sniper answered with a smile on his lips. Spy chuckled and lowered his head before brushing his eyebrow with his thumb to ease the blush away.

“You know that was not what I meant.”

“Yeah, I know. But still.”

“Merci. I shall go and pay for the disc I have found for you. Take your time, I will be waiting for you in the van.”

“Here, the keys.”

“As if I needed them.” Spy headed away and Sniper rolled his eyes. Those damn slim hips...

Later that day, Sniper convinced Spy to spend the evening in his van and after some negotiation, both were sitting on the bench, Spy leaning on Sniper, feeling the weight of the Aussie's arm on his shoulders. They had the lights off, apart from Sniper's night lamp.

"You wanna hear what I got for you?"

"Please." Spy asked and raised his irresistible eyes to Sniper. 

"Look at you, gorgeous you are, absolutely gorgeous." He kissed his lover's brow. "Right, let me put this record player on the table… Plug it in and... pop the disc on. Right, you ready?" 

"Please." Spy nodded. 

"Here we go for the song I've found for you." Sniper pressed a button and sat next to his lover. It took a few seconds before the music resounded. 

"Oh…" Spy raised his head to Sniper. He had recognised the intro with the trumpets, the wind instruments and the typical ballad rhythm. "La Vie en Rose?" He asked. 

"Yeah." 

Edith Piaf started singing and Spy bit his lip, snuggling closer to his lover and curling up against his chest. 

"Y'like that song?" 

Spy nodded his head and Sniper pulled him closer, gently rocking him in rhythm. 

"It is… one of my favourite songs, if not my favourite, I…" 

Sniper looked down. Spy had his face flat against his chest. 

"Hey, tell me." The Aussie cupped his cheek.

"Why did you pick this one?" A muffled voice asked. 

"Cause it's about the only French song I know, and it's bloody beautiful, just like you." 

"Do you know what the lyrics mean?" 

"Nah. Somethin' about love I guess." 

Spy raised his head and his gloved hand to Sniper's cheek. He cupped it and gently whispered. 

"When he holds me in his arms, when he whispers to me, I see life in pink… And as soon as I catch a glimpse of him, then I feel in me my heart is starting to beat." 

"Well, it's not wrong." 

Spy smiled as the song ended.

"Your turn now, love. Put on your song for me." 

Spy didn't move. 

"Spook…? C'mere, I know what you need." Sniper cupped his lover's face with both hands and pulled him into a deep kiss. It washed Spy to his guts and he felt like a new man when Sniper withdrew. "You alright?"

Spy's eyebrows were arched high up and he was giving a look Sniper had never seen yet. 

"Oui." He slightly nodded. "I shall show you the song I found for you now… Merci."

Sniper gave him a peck on the brow before letting him proceed. The Frenchman put the disc on and resumed his seat. 

The masterful jingle of the piano keys rose from the record player and soon a voice. A voice? No, the voice. The maestro himself, Sinatra.

"How do you keep the music playing?

How do you make it last?

How do you keep the song from fading too fast?"

The rest of the orchestra slowly woke up behind the elegant singer. 

"How do you lose yourself to someone?

And never lose your way?

How do you not run out of new things to say?"

Sniper looked for Spy's hand in the dark and when he found it, he laced his fingers through the Frenchman's. But soon Spy removed it and cupped Sniper's face. 

Gosh, he had removed his gloves, Sniper felt the naked touch of Spy's hands on his cheeks, his temples and through his hair above his ears. He pulled Sniper's face down, at his eye-level and their foreheads now touched. Spy frowned and shut his eyes as the drums woke up and powerfully pushed the rest of the orchestra to play more confidently. Sinatra's voice boomed.

"And oh! The way I feel for you is now or never!

The more I love, the more that I'm afraid,

That in your eyes I may not see forever!"

Sniper blushed to his ears that he felt were burning. He gulped down his dry throat and his lips parted to call for more air. His breath was short, fast, and sharp and he felt Spy's fingers claw on his head, through his hair. 

So that was the choice of Spy? A song named "How do you keep the music playing?", was it a question that he was really asking his lover? Was there more than just a song in this? 

When Sinatra finished and the orchestra waved goodbye, silence fell in the van and Sniper suddenly realised how loud Spy and him were breathing. 

"Je t'aime." 

[I love you.]

Sniper's eyebrows jumped. He looked down and saw Spy's eyes shining, glistening even… 

"Love you too, c'mere." 

The hug they shared lasted until they became tired of their posture on the bench and moved to the bed. They fell asleep as they usually did, a mess of intertwined limbs.