#And I know that a little homophobia and a lot of homophobia are pretty much the same thing

[i-may-be-an-emu]

debating wether or not to randomly spam my slightly-homophobic, slightly-gay friend with pictures of sfth kissing hehehe

[shigayokagayama]

What are the biggest losses between the manga and anime? I just finished watching mp100 and I'm curious what the manga has!

ok biggest losses are kind of hard to define because like. anime and manga are two inherently different mediums and there are a good amount of cuts that improve pacing and then a good amount of cuts that people sort of argue over the merit of so im just going to go for biggest differences. i would also highly recommend reading the manga just because it is a pretty different experience tonally along with the minor plot differences and cut scenes + theres a bunch of omakes that both flesh out characters that dont get too much focus and have some really good bits in them. putting the rest of this post under a cut bc i ramble

mogami arc

this one is kind of inescapable i feel like but the anime version of the mogami arc had a LOT of things trimmed for a couple different reasons. season 2 already got an extra episode in order to do the fire scene as a cliffhanger so with the way things shook out the director had to choose between a. cutting a bunch of stuff out of separation arc to make it one episode so mogami arc couid stay three episode or b. cutting a bunch of stuff out of mogami arc so separation arc could stay two episodes. imo they made the right choice, whats even the point of adapting mob psycho if you dont get confession arc right, but some of the cuts to mogami arc will be dearly missed and others will be fought over to the end of time. cuts include:

minori being established as a brat in a video everyones shown and the video being part of how reigen deduces shes possessed (reigen deducing her possession in the manga is generally just a lot better done and after you read the manga the scene in the anime feels so awkward because you know whats missing

the psychics deciding to band together to beat this little girl to death to save themselves and shinra stepping between them to protect her and getting utterly thrashed, not by mogami, but his fellow psychics

reigen trying to convince mob to leave without him and call for help while he distracts him which leads to this

the general mogamiland section lasting a lot longer and being more brutal (notably the stray cat mob feeds getting killed in front of him)

mob getting fucking torn to pieces by spirits during the fight instead of ambiguously dying offscreen

generally would recommend if nothing else reading the manga version of this arc and confession arc because i feel like these are the only two where you lose like. a significant amount of the story and themes from the cuts. speaking of....

2. WHY THE FUCK DID THEY CUT THIS I WILL BE MAD UNTIL I DIE

maybe its just because i reread this arc on its own probably 50 times before the anime came out but this is the only arc where the cuts actively piss me off because there is absolutely no reason they had to do it. they cut a bunch of important shit, left in things that didnt need to be there, and added scenes that contribute literally nothing to the overall point. if they just did any one of those things or combo of two of those things i wouldnt be as mad but it feels like they put a bunch of filler in then speedran the actual story

cut #1 that pisses me off: HOMOPHOBIA?????

THERE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A HEART IN HIS EYE. WHY DID THEY NOT INCLUDE THIS. THIS IS THE CULMINATION OF TERUS ARC. THIS IS HIM SEEING THE PERSON HE HAS IDOLIZED AND DEIFIED IN HIS HEAD AT THEIR LOWEST AND STILL CHOOSING TO LOVE HIM, AND THROUGH THIS HE IS CAPABLE OF BEING LOVED EVEN THOUGH HES NOT PERFECT BECAUSE NO ONE IS. WHY WOULD YOU CUT THIS?

cut #2 I NEED WHOEVER CUT THE DIALOGUE FROM THE FIRST PANEL IN PRISON

the lack of inclusion of the first panels dialogue along with the cuts to the mob and shigeo conversation (WHICH WE WILL GET TO) make me think the person who adapted this arc fundamentally misunderstood what was happening. this line. is. THE POINT. THIS ISNT SOME SEPARATE SCARY THING. THIS IS MOB. HE IS CHOOSING TO DO THIS BECAUSE HE IS SCARED AND ANGRY AND HURT BUT HE IS IN CONTROL OF HIS ACTIONS AND ALWAYS HAS BEEN.

cut #3 HE DOESNT WANT TO BE HELD ACCOUNTABLE FOR HIS ACTIONS

this entire conversation is so good and i was looking forward to watching it voice acted for so long and its just. gone. for me the "i am shigeo kageyama who are you" reveal felt like a gut punch because the opening being "i knew i would be needed" made me go "oh hes like possessed or his powers are sentient or something" and this conversation was the slow unraveling of my view of these as two separate people and instead as a scared, traumatized teenager who has convinced himself that the parts of himself he hates are something else outside of his control instead of an intrinsic part of who he is because if he's convinced that the parts of him that are able to feel desire and frustration and anger and malice are him then he'll lose all these relationships he's worked so hard to cultivate as his perfect, non confrontational self. and of course that isnt true. all his friends and loved ones are making their way to the center of a damn hurricane because they see he's in distress and want to help him. but he cant see that so he pushes them away. ugh. mob. protagonist of all time.

cut #4 WHY WOULD YOU CHANGE THE COMPOSITION OF THIS I CAN LITERALLY SEE HOW THIS WOULD BE ANIMATED IN MY MINDS EYE W

can you imagine how beautiful this would be in motion. just. god.

cut #5 HE WAS TALKING OUT LOUD. REIGEN HEARD ALL THIS

:(

cut #6 the bowling arc

so the scene where reigen takes his shoes off is supposed to be a lot more solemn bc like. taking your shoes off before killing yourself is a trope in japanese media (ive heard it started in media and bled over into real life but i might have it backwards?). reigen knew he was probably going to die. anyway i cant take this scene seriously because of this edit

the bowling arc.

cut #7 WAAAAAAAAAAAA

WAAAAAAAAAAAA *sniff* AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

cut #8 homophobia again

rip pensive fruity tea sip

cut #9 mob threw the cake directly in reigens face on purpose

i literally experienced every stage of grief realizing this got changed. why. its so perfect. why would you change this.

3. World Domination arc

so WD arc is in a very interesting place where it had a lot of scenes cut but unlike the other two most of the cut content youre like. yea probably best not to include that. ill start with the good content that got cut then go into the weird content

serizawa got his power drained by toichiro. i am quite sad this scene didnt make it in because its sorta heartbreaking

teru fighting off the claw assassin is shown and we see that teru can both make shadow clones AND hold a barrier while attacking, he seems to be the only esper with this ability!

the reason dimple could tell mob's family was alive is that there was no sense of grudge at the house which would have been left behind by people passing in a violent manner

mob briefly goes unconscious during the start of the toichiro fight and dimple possesses him and says "shit"

dimple possessing mob shoots shibata with a gun

we get mukai lore.

it doesnt make any sense and just raises more questions but we get it.

toichiro has a team of telepaths to recap where everyone is because this arc took an entire calender year to update

literally everyone shows up to fight shimazaki. i cannot stress enough how many people show up to fight shimazaki. it would be faster to list espers who dont show up to fight shimazaki

the middle school delinquents show up and start fighting the claw grunts literally completely out of no where and this is never brought up or referenced ever again

when mob and ritsu get home ritsu says all their stuff is in boxes and they need to hurry and redecorate the house before their parents get home which implies that shou packed the entire households worth of belongings into boxes and hid it somewhere before lighting their house on fire which is such a funny mental image that i cant even be mad at it. loony toons ass plot point.

4. other random interesting cut things

takenaka is just generally more of a bitch during alien arc. "ah i think they took him" remains one of the funniest goddamn panels in the manga

peak

alien arc overall is a lot funnier in the manga, i have a slight preference for the manga version just bc theres a lot of really good bits that didnt make it to anime but the anime version is so heartfelt and nostalgic it makes me happy

between omakes and small things that got cut or changed for the anime teru just feels way more fleshed out in the manga. like. anime teru is a completely different person. its hard to explain if youve never read it.

the all girls school part originally went right before the ghost family stuff and was the beginning of mob's existential crisis about why spirits and people get different treatment but tbh it works well where it is i just wish it werent. like that.

the scene where ritsu and teru shake hands was teru draining ritsus power which he seems to have learned to do from encountering ???%

teru.

ow

thats all i can think of off the top of my head, im sure ill realize i forgot something some time after posting this but. yeah. read the manga its good

[flavored-soda]

I've said this before in tags but now I feel the need to make a post about it.

Some of you are creepy little fuckers when it comes to Buck and it only got worse when he came out as bisexual.

I don't know if it's because y'all aren't queer or have ever been around queer people. Or maybe it's because you've never had someone call you out on your bullshit (or maybe you have and y'all just cry and play victim idfk). But the entire reaction to the BuckTommy scene is really telling for a lot of you.

Let's get some things straight here:

Buck turned the conversation away from emotional vulnerability

Buck was the one who started the flirting

Buck was the one who insinuated a fucking daddy kink, Tommy just confirmed it.

"We both have daddy issues." "I don't." "But you think I do?" "God, I hope so." Y'all, Buck said the first line with a little fucking smirk on his face and then smiled all goofy like when Tommy said "God, I hope so." You're delusional if you think he was uncomfortable.

Tommy making a joke or a comment about his kinks to his BOYFRIEND is not fucking weird. have none of y'all ever been in a relationship??? ever??? you're allowed to joke about sex with your own fucking partner. ya know the one you are having said sex with???

Like I'm sorry you can't be the one to fuck Buck. I'm sorry Eddie isn't the one to fuck him either. But Jesus fucking Christ Almighty on a Stick. The rhetoric you are using, the shit you are saying is harmful and homophobic as all hell. And if you can't recognize that, it's fucked up. especially if you are queer yourself. you're internalized homophobia is showing, baby and it's fucking disgusting.

And I will also say this again: Buck is a 32 yr old man who was a SEX ADDICT. Let me say that again, SEX ADDICT!!!

He's not a sweet little precious innocent baby. I'm sorry if kinks and just general talk about sex makes you uncomfortable. But then genuinely why the fuck do you like Buck so much because that's a pivotal part of his character???

Not to mention, sex gets boring when it's the same thing over and over again. Buck probably has been pegged before, or been to kink clubs or over kink-friendly spaces, or had wild, nasty sex himself. You can plug your ears and act like it's not real and you don't want to hear it all you want, but the fact of the matter is it's true. Buck was a sex addict, that's a pretty big fucking part of his character, and I doubt talking about sex with the person he's actively in a relationship with is going to make him extremely uncomfortable.

So no, I don't think Buck was uncomfortable during that scene and I don't think Tommy is a bad guy. I do think you're uncomfortable with seeing male/male sexuality and romance. especially when it's between two guys who built as fuck because then you can't really make one of them the girl now can you?

[therainscene]

It’s blink-and-you’ll-miss-it, but the Alan Turing poster really tells us so much about Will that I consider it to be a significant piece of foreshadowing for S5.

First, let’s dissuade ourselves of the notion that Will chose Turing for his hero project for nerd reasons -- Will’s preferred flavour of nerdery is escapist fantasy, not computer science. He doesn’t know what an IP address is and the first thing he thinks of when he hears modem noises is a movie he likes.

No, he chose Turing because he admires him for being a gay man who accomplished so much in his short life.

On one hand, that’s pretty heart-warming -- the fact he’s willing to identify with other gay men and look up to them as role models shows us he’s making good progress in accepting his identity. On the other hand, it’s heart-breaking, because Turing’s story is not a happy one -- he was caught having a sexual relationship with a man and forced to choose between jail or chemical castration. He chose castration.

I remind you: Will identifies with this guy.

Will is growing up under the twin specters of AIDS and homophobia and likely assumes he’s destined to die young too. He’s been abused and bullied so much, I imagine he’s heard and internalized it all: that he deserves to die, that he’s disgusting, that he’ll never be fulfilled in life.

So when puberty begins crawling its way inside him and implants those shameful desires that make gay men so worthy of abuse... he chooses castration.

For all the sad pining he does in S4, we never really see Will express desire for Mike -- he never checks him out or shows signs of nervousness when they touch. He behaves with perfect platonic decorum at all times...

...unless we consider That One Scene With The Hose.

Sexual interpretations of this scene are controversial, and I can understand why; we’re so used to seeing Will as this innocent, immature little boy that it's shocking to catch him fantasizing so lustfully, even though these sorts of thoughts are pretty normal for a 15 year-old. But I think that’s the point. We’re supposed to feel uncomfortable about this, because Will feels uncomfortable about it too.

He’s done well in accepting his identity, but he’s an absolute repressed mess when it comes to accepting his sexuality.

So, that’s what the Turing poster tells us about Will. Here’s where the foreshadowing comes in: Will is not the only queer-coded character to have been metaphorically castrated.

Henry’s experience bears striking similarities to Turing’s: he too was caught engaging in a natural but forbidden behaviour and forced by his government to undergo a medical procedure to suppress that behaviour.

His villain speech to El in 4x07, which is ostensibly about his powers, also reads very strongly as a scathing criticism of heteronormativity, and it’s covered in rainbow motifs.

The metaphor here is obvious: Henry’s powers are a manifestation of his homosexuality.

Which implies that Will’s homosexuality can also manifest as powers. They’re repressed because he’s repressed.

It’s not a coincidence that the sexual tension was through the fucking roof in the infamous sauna scene. Every time Will’s supernatural ability to sense the Mind Flayer triggers in S3, Mike is also nearby.

What’s interesting about Mike is that his queer acceptance issues mirror Will’s: Mike has a healthy relationship with his sexuality (he casually checks guys out and plasters his bedroom walls with posters of buff dudes) but he just can’t bring himself to accept what this implies about his identity.

Always with the symmetry, these two. They complement each other perfectly; one’s hang-up is the other’s strength. They have a lot to teach each other about being queer.

And as repressed as they are, I think they want to learn from each other -- Will lets himself get flustered when Mike flirts with him in his bedroom, and Mike hangs on to every word of wisdom Will shares with him in their heart-to-hearts.

Internalized homophobia is a powerful force, but their bond is so strong that it empowers them to fight back.

Henry’s powers symbolize his anger at being mistreated and his desire to take that anger out on the world... but Will’s powers symbolize self-acceptance and love.

So he isn’t just going to defeat Vecna with his powers, and he isn’t just going to get the boy: these two things are one and the same.

[cocoakrispis-blog]

THE INTRODUCTION OF (Y/N)’S PERFCT LIFE

pairing ~ ellie williams x fem! reader

summary ~ we get a little bit more insight on the life that (y/n) considers perfectly perfect.

warnings ~ not much its just background and introduction, weirdo boyfriend, homophobia

wc ~ 2.4k words

SERIES MASTERLIST

getting good grades and impressing your teachers by beating the stereotype of cheerleaders being dumb, showing your boyfriend just enough attention to keep him out of your hair but not cross any of your boundaries, and going to church to affirm your faith in the lord were almost all of the things that kept you waking up in the morning with a smile on your face.

you loved all of those part of my life with my whole heart but the thing that truly made you feel one hundred percent you was cheer.

your team was your true home.

the sisterhood required to be such a successful cheer team was intense but also very rewarding. you were extremely close to all of your teammates and always made the effort to personally get to know all of them.

you guys were required to trust our fellow teammates to toss us into the air, hold us there, and then catch us so that we could perform gravity defying tricks.

it took a lot of strength to be able to do that and you know firsthand how strong each and every girl on your team was. i mean from the muscle definition on all of them it would be difficult to deny the physicality they all had.

the pure freedom you felt as you were soaring through the air was for lack of better words, euphoric.

it took a different type of trust to allow yourself to be catapulted in the air like that, but it felt so good to be supported by girls you knew you could rely on wholeheartedly.

along with trusting your teammates you all also had to trust your own bodies which required you to take care of what our coach always called ‘our temples’.

eating properly and staying in shape was a big part your, but you couldn’t be mad about it. being healthy allowed us to do mesmerizing flips and splits or contort our beautiful bodies into gorgeous silhouettes.

maybe the best thing about cheer is that the benefits of it didn’t only exist on the fields where your team would perform but also off the field. when you are a cheerleader you would always have someone to talk to or spend your time with.

the cheerleaders all had their own lunch table where they were given the privilege to spend quality time together. it might have been your second favorite part of the day, to be surrounded by so many beautiful and talented girls just filled me to the brim with a special feeling you only got around them.

in the halls there was always a pretty girl to compliment your outfit or gush over your new trendy makeup. no one was better at noticing the smallest differences than your teammates.

or in class where you knew you would have someone to sit next to and share notes with.

even school parties when you were a member of the team, no matter how lame they were would be fun because you always had someone to dance the night away with when your boyfriend didn’t want to.

the weekly slumber parties were the best way to end your week because it just felt like pure girlhood. sleeping next to the girls you trusted the most in the whole wide world always gave you the best sleep of your life.

so yeah being a cheerleader was great.

but of course there was more to the perfect life you were blessed with.

you were lucky enough to have a boyfriend who was a football player. super popular super handsome and super well… boyfriend!

you two were just the picture perfect relationship.

holding hands in the hallway as he talked about his latest football game that of course you attended since you were a cheerleader. walking to the field with his letterman draped around your shoulders while he continued to talk about football. oh and of course sitting in his car while you made out with him in between more talk of football.

you loved him very much and he loved you the same.

you were also very active in your church to which you held very near and dear to your heart. it was only right that you thanked and gave praise to the god that had given you such a perfect life.

the cross necklace you always wore being the best symbol of your devotion.

and to top it all off you had a wonderful relationship with my mother and my father.

because you were their only child allowed them to focus all of their time and attention on you. even though that meant they were a bit more hard on you you knew they loved and cared for you very much.

today was another one of the perfect days of your perfect life except this one was a little bit more special. your cheer team and the football team was heading to a far away football game. since both of you and your boyfriends coaches were such big supporters of your relationship they allowed your boyfriend to drive you there.

“aren’t you so excited about the first away game of the season i’m so pumped to watch you play and show off the new cheers me and my girls learned this week.” you smiled to yourself fondly as you remembered the hours of practice you and your teammates put into learning this new cheer.

“yeah babe of course” your boyfriend muttered under his breath.

you frowned at your boyfriends clear disinterest at your words and decided to keep quiet in case you were bothering him.

after a couple moments of silence you looked up to see that the yellow school bus you had been following closely behind was now no where to be seen and you were now in a very familiar area.

“hey baby i can’t see the bus anymore are we supposed to be going this way.” you begin to twiddle with your red and white pom poms as a wave of confusion and anxiety washed over you.

the frown previously on your face came back in full force whenever your boyfriend ignored you and silently tightened his grip on the steering wheel.

soon after your boyfriend pulled into the driveway of your home and parked his car.

“let’s go.” your boyfriend speaks to you for the second time today.

his tone of voice give you no opportunity to argue and you nod before walking behind him to your front door with your pom poms being held tightly in your hands.

before you made it to the door you quickly glance behind yourself and see an unfamiliar van with the words ‘true direction’ on it.

as you open your mouth to ask your boyfriend about it you hear the door open and he stares at you as if expecting you to walk in first.

you gulp at the look he gives you and cautiously walk in the door to your on home.

once you fully enter inside your eyes easily land on the large group gathered in your small living room with concerned looks on their faces. your brows furrow in confusion at the oddly thick atmosphere surrounding the room and you allow your eyes to sweep around the rom to properly take in the guests.

some of your parents, closest teammates, and even a couple of your boyfriends friends were there. the most odd character out of all of them was a man you had never seen before in a blue sweatshirt and matching shorts with a shirt that said ‘straight is great’.

“is there something wrong?” you immediately blurt out into the room.

no one responds to you and the room stays dead silent.

“hi sweeties why don’t you have a seat.” your mother was the first to break the silence, almost making you flinch.

almost as soon as your mom said that the unfamiliar man began to speak. “hello (y/n) my name is mike all of the most important people in your life have gathered here today to have a conversation with you and i am here to help assist them with it.”

you give the guy a slightly weird look but nod before having a seat on the couch that was facing all of them. once you settled in mike spoke up again to jump start the conversation.

“would you link to start us off peter?” mike signaled to your dad who had been completely silent up until now.

your father cleared his throat before straightening his collar and beginning.

“(y/n) dear everyone that is here in this room loves you very very much however more recents we have been concerned about some of your specific behaviors and we are tarting to become worried you are being influenced by a certain lifestyle and we are starting to worry there is a chance that you may be…” your dad slightly trails off at the end but your mom quickly finishes his sentence.

“we think you’re turning into a lesbian!” your mom exclaims but makes sure to whisper the word lesbian as quietly as possible.

your jaw drops at the accusation and you very quickly force your brain to formulate a response.

“me a l-lesbian?” is the only think you manage to think of in retaliation.

“to start you’ve been forcing us to eat this weird vegan food.” your dad holds up a plastic bag with some of the half eaten tofu you had for dinner the night before.

“i-i’ve just been trying to eat healthier for cheer and-

your argument was cut of by your mom forcing one of your pillows into your face while pointing at one of the parts of the flower design the pillow had with a disappointed look on her face. “you have vaginal decor all over your room.”

“you’re looking too hard at it it’s just a f-flower-” you shake your head vigorously while avoiding the burning feeling behind your eyes.

“instead of pictures of guys in your locker you just have pictures of female models your locker.” one of your friends from cheer holds up one of the posters of a girl in a bikini taken from our locker.

“i like looking at them so i can see what i can do to make myself prettier-” you feel your eyes start to water.

“you don’t even like to kiss me let alone go further than that with me!” your boyfriend speaks up while his friends beside him nod in agreement.

at your boyfriends words you quickly turn away from the group to hide the tears now trickling down your cheeks .

after everyone had said their peace mike once again us something to further the conversation.

“you know (y/n) i used t consider myself gay too when i was younger but now im an ex-gay and it was all thanks to an amazing place called true direction.” mike looks at you to say something but continues when he sees you still looking away from the group in shame silently. “true direction is a camp a little ways from here that helps teenagers like you figure out how to overcome the homosexual influence in their life and find the real straight them!” mike finished his little speech with a cheerful speech.

your eyes widen when you actually process what he had said and instantly snap your head back to the group to give them a betrayed look.

“you’re sending me away?”

everyone in the room slightly shitss uncomfortably at your question but gives you a sympathetic smile.

“no of course we’re not sending you away sweetie it’s not at all permanent.” your dad attempts to reassure you.

“yes exactly once you graduate the camp and they fix you we’ll come and get you so you can come right back home safe and sound!” your mom tries her best to sound slightly enthusiastic.

you shake your head in defeat and drop your face into your palms to muffle your sobs.

“i don’t want to go please don’t make me i’ll be normal just don’t make me go there!”

after your family manages to get you to calm down they get you to pack your things and soon after you your mom and dad pile into the car to begin your journey to the true directions camp grounds.

as you drive of you don’t even bother to look back at your teammates and boyfriend due to the fact that the current betrayal you felt from them ran extremely deep.

the ride was pretty unenventful and soon you arrive at your destination.

once the car came to a complete stop your parents very eagerly jumped out of the car leaving you to finally have a small moment to yourself.

“why me?” you grip the cross necklace hanging from your neck tightly.

“come on (y/n)” your parents call from outside the car.

you give the pendant one more squeeze before reluctantly grading yourself out of the car.

when you leave the car you follow your parents as they walk up to a large pink house.

before you make it all the way up to the door a blonde woman in a pink suit and a taller man in a tank top and shorts exit the building and walk towards your family with a large smile on their faces.

“hello there you must be (y/n) and her family my name is mary!’ the woman looks at you with kind eyes.

“yes that would be us!’ your mom responds enthusiastically.

you stay silent and somewhat zone out as they begin talking about how the camp and visitation would work.

“we love you sweetie.” your mom pulls you into a tight hug.

“we promise we’re doing this from your own good.” your dad pats you on your back before they both walk off to reenter their car.

you watch as your parents make jock work of pulling out of the entrance of the camp and drive away with two short honks.

“come on (y/n) let’s get going now.” mary pats you on the shoulder to shake you out of your trance.

you nod silently and follow the woman through the doors to the place where you wold be spending the next couple months of your life getting fixed.

a/n: holy moly this was a lot. my original plan was to make this 5 chapters from all. steps but i feel like the beginning is united a bit detached rom that so i decided to make this it’s own chapter. so sorry if this is shit i a so tired i may go back into to edit it later on. this is not going to be word for word at orf and the movie but it will be very similar with slight changes. my masterlist got a lot more attention than is as expecting so i rushed to whip up something that you guys could read while i plan out the rest of this i really hope this lives up to your expectations!!

taglist: @st4r-b3rries @dollyvuu @lvlymicha @jellyfishrnice @machetegirl109 @smiths-fan--13 @elliewilliamssrealgf @ravyaryn @yuhgetintoonit @nelzooo @luvmily @dearestdolly444 @venuzasmuse

[qveerthe0ry]

Naked in Manhattan

Summary: Marcus has never slept with a man, Dieter's willing to remedy that - written for @romanarose Pride Event Week 3: Sex/kissing Word Count: 7,730 Pairing: (college aged) Marcus Pike x Dieter Bravo Rating: 18+ mdni Warnings: coming out, discussions of sexuality, brief mentions of homophobia, oral sex(m), (lots of) hickeys, frottage, cum eating, armpit stuff Betas: OBVIOUSLY @for-a-longlongtime and @perotovar the loves of my life 💖A/N: I highly suggest listening to Naked in Manhattan by Chappell Roan before/while reading this. Totally got the vibes of this entire fic by listening to it on a walk one day

Dieter’s learned a lot in his five and a half years of college. Not really much about statistics or geology, but about people. He’s been around long enough to know that the sad little guy on his front porch steps, avoiding the party, and chain smoking cigarettes is having a rough go of it. 

“Hey buddy,” Dieter says, quietly, as not to startle the slumped figure. 

Marcus looks up at him through misty eyes and a cloud of stale Winston smoke.

“Hey.”

He’s not crying, but he’s definitely crying for help.

“You okay?” 

Dieter takes a seat on the step below him.

“Yeah, fine. Just needed air.”

Marcus gestures with the cigarette in his hand, then huffs out a laugh at the irony. 

“You’ve been getting drunk a lot lately.”

Maybe Dieter shouldn’t pry. It’s not unusual for his rented house to be filled with students coming and going at all hours of the day, between classes on weekdays or all day on the weekends. The cheap beer just shows up, as does the weed, and he doesn’t usually question it. 

But he’s closer to Marcus. So he notices more. He usually only sees him here on weekends. During the week he’s commonly found in the library or the student union, books sprawled out in front of him. He’s driven, pre-law, and has a better head on his shoulders than most people he hangs with. 

But Marcus has been at his place every night this week, either stumbling home in the wee hours of the morning or sleeping late on his couch or floor. It concerns Dieter in a way that surprises him. 

Usually it’s none of his business. 

“I haven’t had a sip,” Marcus tells him. 

And his voice doesn’t have that sharp, defensive tone Dieter was expecting. It’s more defeated than anything. 

“Yeah but what about last night?” 

Marcus shrugs. 

“And the night before? And every other night this week?”

“Just having fun,” Marcus mumbles through another drag of his cigarette. 

Dieterlooks around at his empty porch.

“Are you?” 

Then Marcus laughs. It bubbles up out of him in an almost terrifying way, and damn near immediately turns into sobs hidden behind his hands. 

“Fuck, dude, are you tripping?”

Marcus shakes his head. Dieter didn’t think so. He’s strictly an alcohol guy, won’t even touch weed. Something about the FBI and polygraph tests. Dieter finds it charming if not a bit manic. 

He keeps crying though, so hard he has to flick his cigarette out onto the dimly lit street so he can rub at his eyes. 

Dieter’s not sure what to do. Normally he’d offer someone drugs, but that won’t work. 

His hand hovers over Marcus’ shaking back for a few moments before he rests a heavy palm between his shoulder blades. 

He can feel the way Marcus’ breath shudders out of him, and tells him to start taking slow breaths. When it works, Dieter’s kind of amazed at how great he is at damage control. 

“That’s it man, just breathe.” 

Marcus nods, finally removes his hands from his face. He’s always been pretty in a very preppy way, with his perfect hair and teeth and his little dimples. He looks even prettier now, as much as Dieter kicks himself for that thought. His face is red and wet and his brown eyes are wider than they’ve ever been before. 

A few deep breaths in through his nose and out his mouth later, Marcus is sufficiently calm enough to speak. 

“I’m sorry.”

Dieter waves him off. 

“Don’t be. Looks like it felt good, I might have a cry later too.”

Marcus lets out a wet chuckle and shuts his eyes as one last salty little droplet brushes past his long eyelashes. 

“Everything okay at home? You’re not failing a class, are you?”

“No, no, nothing like that. It’s stupid.” 

“Girl problems?” 

Marcus laughs again, and Dieter startles a little, afraid he’s going to start back up sobbing at any moment. 

He doesn’t though. He’s quiet and avoiding Dieter’s gaze as he frantically gets another cigarette from his pack and lights it up. 

Dieter thinks he’s hit the nail on the head until Marcus takes a long drag of his cigarette and exhales. 

“I’m fucking gay.” 

Dieter opens his mouth in shock, or understanding, or maybe to try and say something, but Marcus continues. 

“This whole time I’ve been gay. I don’t even— I’ve had so many girlfriends. I think they’re just nice. I’ve never— I fucking hated sleeping with them. I thought it was because it was awkward, and we’re all inexperienced? It sucked, Dieter. And I thought all guys were curious about other guys, you know? They all talk about their dicks with each other, since middle school. I just thought— and then there’s this guy… in my intro to psych class. And he’s so nice and handsome and I just always want to hang out with him. And I didn’t know why. But I want to kiss him. And I never felt that way about any of my girlfriends. And now I realize I’ve just— I’ve just been gay this whole time.”

He’s out of breath when he quits talking, but he sucks down more of his cigarette anyway. Dieter isn’t quite sure what to say to him. Usually when someone comes out to him, it’s in a less… frantic manner, more proud than anything. But this poor freshman has been on a gay crisis bender all week and is more than a little traumatized by all of it, and it’s just different with Marcus. 

“That’s um… Sounds like you’ve been going through a rough time with it.” 

Marcus sniffles and nods. 

“Been through all five or whatever stages of grief already. It’s been a long week.” 

“Are you… Upset? That you’re gay?” 

Marcus’ head lolls back to thump against the porch railing. 

“No… I’m more upset that I didn't figure it out until now.” 

“You’re still plenty young, Marcus. You’re what— nineteen?”

“Eighteen. Skipped a grade.”

Jesus. Dieter feels even worse now about thinking he’s pretty when he cries. 

“See? You’re a spring chicken, dude. You figured it out plenty quick.” 

“When did you know?” 

Dieter chews on his lip, considers lying just for Marcus’ sake, but decides against it. 

“I pretty much always knew, honestly. But I mean— I was weird anyway, you know? Never really fit in or felt I had to play a certain part or be a certain way. It just made sense. Also, my dad always said I was as queer as a three dollar bill so… that helped.” 

Dieter steals the cigarette between Marcus’ fingers to take a drag himself. 

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to—”

“Nothing to be sorry for, man,” Dieter tells him. 

Marcus stares at where Dieter’s lips wrap around his cigarette for a bit too long, and Dieter hands it back, if only to try and stop whatever it is that’s bound to happen next. 

But Marcus takes another drag himself, and his tongue peeks out to wet his bottom lip, and Dieter has never been called strong-willed. 

“What’s it like?” 

“What?”

“To be with a guy? What’s it like?” 

Dieter shrugs. 

“Depends on the guy.” 

Marcus sighs. 

“Are you uh— how do you like… it?” 

“Are you asking if I’m a top or a bottom?” 

Marcus’s face flushes a cute color in the yellow of the porch lights. 

“Both,” Dieter shrugs, “but I haven’t really done that with a lot of guys. Kind of a hassle, you know?” 

Marcus nods, but then his brow quirks up in question. 

“What do you mean? What do you— what do you do, then?” 

Dieter chuckles. 

“All kinds of things, babe.” 

He watches Marcus’ breath catch, the little stutter of his chest. 

“Would you show me?” 

Dieter rolls his eyes to distract them both from the fact that he really, really wants to. 

“C’mon, man. You don’t wanna fool around with me. I’m a loser. Go find a pretty finance boy to shack up with.” 

Maybe he’s less weak-willed than he thought. 

Marcus’ shoulders slump again, and christ, though, is he supposed to just let him leave like a kicked puppy? 

“There’s no intro to psych guy.”

It’s quiet, mumbled around his cigarette, and his eyes won’t leave his feet. 

“What?” 

“It’s you, okay? You’re my— gay awakening, or whatever. Why do you think I’ve been here all week?”

Dieter’s heart is hammering against his chest at that admission. This was not how he figured his Friday night would go.

“Free beer?” 

His joke doesn’t land. Marcus rolls his eyes. 

“It’s not like… I’m not like in love with you or anything. I just… always wanna see you. And you’re— well, you know. You’re hot. And you’re really nice to everyone. And I get this… I feel so weird when I’m around you, like, nauseous. Fuck, I’m sorry.” 

Marcus flicks yet another cigarette to the curb and makes to get up, but before Dieter can think better of it, he grips him on the shoulder to keep him seated. 

“That’s… actually really sweet, Marcus.” 

He scoffs, hides his face in his hands, and it’s so cute Dieter can’t help but smile. 

“Really— Usually people just want to fuck me, or use me for drugs.” 

Marcus groans a little, mortified, and his hands run back to mess up his pristinely styled hair. 

“Buddy, I’m serious. You’re a little charmer.”

Marcus looks up from his lap at that, scratching that neatly buzzed hair on the back of his neck, and his eyes are a little less embarrassed and a little more twinkly.

“You’re just saying that.”

Dieter shakes his head grinning. 

“No, it’s cute. Being genuine is never a bad thing.”

And the thing is, Dieter’s not lying. It’s possibly the sweetest thing anyone’s ever said to him. But he’s toeing a very very fine line here, with himself. Because Marcus is so pretty, and so smart, and he’s soft and kind and he’s real but he’s young. 

And Dieter’s just a Super Super Senior, a total burnout, on his way to holding the world record for The Longest College Career. He’s 23 and he’s still undecided and he probably won’t even get  a college degree after all is said and done. 

But Marcus is looking at him with those big brown eyes, watching, calculating. 

“I just— I feel like you wouldn’t judge me. If I did the wrong thing. You know?”

“I wouldn’t. Anyone who would isn’t worth your time.”

Marcus huffs. Maybe Dieter can still save this. 

“Would you… tell me? What you’d do? What I should do?”

And just like that, Dieter is hopping right over that line with both feet. 

“Kiss me.”

Marcus’ eyes grow even bigger.

“Like, right now? Here?” 

“If you want to. That’s what I’d want you to do, to kiss me right here, like you couldn’t help yourself.”

And Dieter will be damned if he doesn’t do just that, surging forward to grab the sides of his face and press their lips together. 

His lips are so soft, and his face is smooth, and he’s eager, a bit too much, but it only adds to that coincidental charm. Dieter’s left to catch up, as Marcus swipes his tongue along the seam of his mouth and groans. 

Dieter pulls away. Marcus’ mouth gapes open, and his shoulders heave with his fast breaths. 

“You’re so… scruffy.”

Dieter chuckles, wipes Marcus’ spit from his lips and straightens out his mustache. 

“Not good?”

“No, god no, it’s really good.”

And then Marcus smashes their lips together again as a pathetic little sound escapes his throat. Dieter opens his mouth this time, lets Marcus slide his tongue around, a little violent, and this is all a bit too much for some front porch steps, isn’t it?

“Hey,” Dieter says softly, pulling away. 

Marcus’ brows draw up in confusion. 

“Sorry. I’m not a good kisser, am I?”

Dieter sighs, grabs one of Marcus’ hands on his face to link their fingers together. 

“It’s not that,” he says. 

He turns his face to kiss the center of Marcus’ palm and smiles when his breath hitches. 

“You really wanna do this with me?” 

Marcus is nodding before Dieter even finishes speaking. 

“Only if you really want it, too.”

Dieter squeezes his hand. 

“I do, really.”

Marcus smiles the sweetest little smile, and they both stand up, and Dieter doesn’t let his hand go. 

There’s music on in the house, and it smells like weed, and a few people are playing Nintendo in the living room. They don’t pay any mind as Dieter pulls Marcus up to the second floor, down the hall, and into his dimly lit bedroom. 

At least he’s kept it semi-tidy, he thinks, as Marcus looks around while he shuts and locks the door. His bed isn’t made. He’s sure Marcus makes his bed every morning before class. He hopes he doesn’t mind. 

He seems like he’s too nervous to mind, a jittery little thing standing next to his bed. He’s fiddling with the hem of his shirt, staring holes into the stained carpet, when Dieter moves to stand in front of him. 

“Are you nervous?” 

“No. Maybe. I don’t know.”

Dieter grabs both of his hands, and Marcus finally meets his gaze. 

“It’s okay to be nervous. As long as it’s good nervous.” 

He smiles and nods, but the worry in his brow is still there. 

“We won’t do anything you don’t wanna do, okay?”

That seems to soothe him more. 

“Can we kiss again?”

Dieter chuckles. 

“Of course we can.”

Marcus tips over into him, landing at the side of his mouth but quickly correcting course. He licks, but Dieter keeps his mouth shut, goading him to calm down. And he does, slotting his lips around Dieter's bottom one, and everything else slips into place with a soft, satisfied noise from his own chest. 

He lets go of Marcus’ sweaty hands to grab his hips instead, lithe and a little bony. He twitches at the touch, sighs, and presses his lips harder into Dieter’s. His hands search around frantically, jostling them both, until he finds the hem of Dieter’s sweatshirt and gets his hands underneath. 

“Slow,” Dieter mumbles. 

“Hm?”

“Not a race, Marcus. Take your time. Enjoy it.” 

Marcus nods, but gapes at him, like he’s not quite sure what to do next. 

“You wanna get comfy? Take your shoes off, sit down?”

Marcus nods again, but with a little direction, takes his shoes off and sits on the bed, criss-cross applesauce like the cutest fucking thing Dieter’s ever seen. 

“I want this to be— I want you to have a good time, feel good. So tell me if you don’t feel good… or if there’s anything you wanna try. Communication is like, super sexy, right?”

Dieter sheds his shoes and his hoodie as he speaks, thinks he catches Marcus’ eyes staring at the spot between his signature pajama pants and his shirt where it rides up. 

“Yeah… like, dirty talk?”

Dieter huffs out a laugh as he sits facing Marcus, crossing his legs, mirroring him to make him as comfortable as possible.

“Could be dirty talk, yeah. But just normal talk, too. It can be hot to talk about things like… how do you like to be touched? Where?” 

Marcus clears his throat and scratches the back of his head with a puzzled look on his face. 

“My— my dick?”

Dieter wants to laugh, but he can’t blame the guy. It sounds like the only experience he’s had so far is rushed fucks with high school sweethearts. 

“Okay, yeah, that’s a good start. So, for me, I like being kissed. Everywhere. I like feeling lips on my jaw and my neck and especially my nipples. You can bite, too.”

Marcus’ eyebrows raise, his plush lips forming a circular shape that Dieter tries and fails not to focus on. 

“Oh, yeah, okay. I— I like that too. I like when it’s… sloppy.”

Dieter hums, smiles, and nods.

“Anything else you like?” 

He watches Marcus bite his bottom lip and trace shapes on the bedsheets between them. 

“I don’t really know.” 

“That’s okay. Maybe we can figure it out together, yeah?”

His long eyelashes flutter as he blinks real slow, and he smiles. 

“Yeah. Thank you.” 

Dieter does chuckle then. 

“You don’t need to thank me. I’m gonna have a lot of fun with you.”

Christ, Dieter thinks, if his face gets any more red he might burst into flames. 

He kisses him, to save him from a fiery death. It’s a little awkward, with both of their legs crossed in front of them, but it’s easier to take their time like this. 

Marcus keeps it slow, so Dieter can finally lead. He licks into his mouth to feel his hard palate, and the way he whimpers and shivers in response is so delicious that Dieter can’t help but to do it again and again. 

He feels long fingers grip his thighs, soft at first, but squeezing harder when Marcus returns the favor and scrapes his tastebuds along Dieter’s sharp canines. 

There’s twin sighs when Marcus pulls away, only a little, eyes still shut. 

“You’re really fucking good at this,” he mumbles. 

Dieter hums and pecks his lips again, soft and wet. 

“Could kiss you all night.”

It’s true, even though there’s also a million other things he wants to do with Marcus. He tries to push those wants down by kissing him again, getting that plump bottom lip between his teeth and nibbling on it. The noise Marcus makes has his cock filling steadily with blood, and he knows it’s very obvious in his pajama pants, and he hopes Marcus doesn’t freak out.

Like he’s reading Dieter’s mind, Marcus’ hands slide so fucking slowly up his thighs. The movements are jerky, and he hesitates when just the tip of his finger brushes his cock. His inhale is audible, but his curious touch proceeds, just the lightest ghosting across his shaft. 

But then he’s pulling away, and Dieter feels on edge, bracing himself for the worst. 

“Can I touch it?”

Dieter exhales his relief.

“You can… Are you open to suggestions, though?”

Marcus nods, his slick mouth hanging open. 

“You could get on top of me, let me feel how much you like this, too. Drag it out, make me really want it.” 

He smirks as Marcus curses, closing his eyes and pressing his palm to the front of his jeans. But he nods, and uncrosses his legs, so Dieter does the same. 

And then, he’s got a lapful of Marcus, and he’s staring up into his glassy, beautiful eyes. 

“Like this?”

His hips shift, and his pert little ass grinds against Dieter’s cock while his own presses against his belly. 

“Just like that. Is this still okay?” 

Marcus doesn’t answer him, just devours his lips again as he rocks his hips and supplies them both with heady friction. His little whimpers are muffled, and his teeth are sinking into Dieter’s lip a little too hard, but in a way that makes his cock throb and pulse against the tight ass against it. 

Dieter’s hands find those lithe hips again, this time under his shirt. His skin is scalding to the touch and so fucking smooth. He digs his thumbs into his hip bones, drags little circles into them that make his hips jolt and stutter. 

Fuck. He likes this a lot. Maybe too much. He pulls himself away to reel it in a bit, maybe to check and make sure this is still alright—

“I’m so fucking hard,” Marcus breathes, “I’ve never felt like this.” 

And as he speaks, he’s ripping his t-shirt over his head and flinging it elsewhere. 

He’s gorgeous. A little scrawny but smooth, everywhere, just miles of tan skin that’s paler here where it gets no sun. Dieter wants to bite, and kiss, and suckle on every fucking inch of it. 

For now, Dieter uses all of his brain power to mumble a distracted ‘me too,’ as his hands moved upward to splay across all that hairless skin. 

Marcus’ stomach tenses and relaxes under his hands, and his chest heaves as Dieter cradles his ribs and brushes his thumbs over his nipples. 

“Does this feel good?” 

He circles them, flicks them a little bit, and wants to curl up and live in that little gasp Marcus makes. 

“Yes.” 

His head is leaning back between his shoulders, all raised and on-edge. That’s not what Dieter wants. He wants him relaxed, wants him all gooey and loose. 

Slowly, gently, Dieter tips him over, a hand on the back of his head until it lands on the pillows. The look in his eyes gets a little squirrely, and his breath picks up, and his nails scrabble at Dieter’s bicep. 

“Is this still okay?” 

Marcus nods quickly, but he’s slower with the verbal response. 

“I think so… just nervous.” 

“Still good nervous?” 

As if to prove it, he cants his hips up into Dieter and he’s rock hard against his thigh. 

“Still good nervous.”

Dieter’s own prick throbs and twitches as he hums. He lowers himself even more over Marcus, finds his racing pulse point and plants a hot, wet kiss there. 

“Can I kiss you here?” he whispers. 

His chin brushes Dieter’s cheek when he nods, and Marcus relocates his hands to reach up the back of his shirt. His palms are sweaty and hot as Dieter trails a wet line of kisses down to his prominent collar bone. 

His skin is so salty, and the heat from his body is making his cheap cologne smell even stronger, and Dieter feels high even though he hasn’t smoked in hours. 

“How about here, Marcus?”

He looks up at the younger man as he hovers his mouth above one tiny, pebbled nipple. He watches as his adam’s apple bobs in his throat, and smiles and impish grin when Marcus nods again. 

The groan he receives when he closes his mouth around it has him pressing his hips to the mattress for relief. One of Marcus’ hands finds Dieter’s hair and grips.

“Ah fuck.”

Just like that, the fingers loosen and leave his head and Dieter actually whines at the loss. 

“Sorry!”

“No, no, that was a good fuck. Love getting my hair pulled.”

Dieter glances back up at Marcus and watches as his wheels turn. 

“Oh… really?”

He chuckles as he places a sloppy kiss on his sternum, delighted at the way the muscles twitch under his lips. 

“Mmmhmm.”

Marcus sighs as Dieter finds his other nipple.  

“My ex-girlfriend hated it.” 

Dieter nips at the hard bud in his mouth and smirks when Marcus’ hips jolt up. 

“I like a little pain with my pleasure,” he explains. 

“I— can you bite me again?”

Dieter curses and obliges immediately, sinking his teeth into the meat of his pec this time. 

“God, I like that.”

He even earns another tug at his hair, and Dieter knows there’s gotta be a damp spot on the front of his pajamas. 

“That’s so good, Marcus. Keep telling me what you like.” 

Marcus squirms under him as he alternates a string of kisses and licks and bites down his torso. His nails scratch Dieter’s scalp in between tugging on his hair, and this is the most fun Dieter’s had in the bedroom in a long while. 

Marcus has a tiny bit of hair below his belly button, and it’s so fucking cute and whispy when Dieter runs his tongue along the path. But before Dieter can get the fly of his jeans unfastened, Marcus holds a hand over his. 

“Can I try on you now?” 

Dieter’s gaze flickers up to his face, and he looks so sweet, pleading with his big puppy eyes. 

“Yeah, yes, of course you can.”

Marcus smiles, and it’s sure, like he’s finally settled into this, and it makes Dieter’s apprehension fall away. 

It also makes him that much more horny, hard as ever when he lies down with his head on the pillows. He reaches down to readjust and watches Marcus clock the movement with a heady look.

“This is good for you, too?” 

His voice is breathy when he asks, when his hand slips under Dieter’s t-shirt. 

“Marcus, I’m loving this. I feel like a sexy experiment. Poke and prod me, babe.” 

And through all of this newness and anxiety and apprehension, Marcus laughs. It’s music to Dieter’s ears, watching his eyes light up as he chuckles. 

“Take this off then,” he instructs through his laughter. 

“Yes sir,” Dieter purrs, “bossing me around also does it for me. You’re a natural already.” 

“Y-yeah? I don’t— I’ve never been like that.”

Dieter fumbles to back track at the way Marcus’ confidence falls away. 

“It’s okay, that’s an advanced lesson. My bad. Just— Just do what you want with me. Explore. I’m all yours.” 

He talks as he sheds his shirt, and when the damned thing finally pulls free, he feels a little scrutinized under Marcus’s wide eyes. And he kinda really likes it. 

He settles back against the mattress, one arm above his head while the other reaches out to encourage Marcus to come closer. He does, only a little timid as his gaze rakes over every inch of his body. 

He settles between Dieter’s spread legs, one hand dipping the mattress next to him while the other lands hesitantly on his flank. His warm, sweaty palm feels the skin there, draws upward toward his chest, but takes a completely unconventional detour to his armpit. 

Dieter’s cock throbs. This is so fucking weird and so fucking hot. 

Marcus’ jaw drops slack as his fingers card through all of his armpit hair, and it tickles a little bit, but mostly it just makes Dieter’s arousal grow heavy in his groin, burning. 

Before Dieter can really assess what’s going on, or encourage him, or tell him how fucking hard he’s making him, Marcus leans down to capture his lips in his own. 

Dieter groans and scrabbles to grip his waist, arching his hips for any relief and finding it against the front of Marcus’ jeans, a hard line wrapped in denim that twitches against his own. He moans, low and long, as he twirls the thick hair between his finger and thumb. 

And then his hand is gone, and Dieter’s quite disappointed, but he can’t just say that, can he? He weighs the pros and cons of telling Marcus not to stop as the other man trails his lips down the patchy stubble on his jaw, and bites the sensitive skin on his neck. 

Maybe he should tell him. That’s a good lesson, right? How to take feedback, good or bad. But ‘hey keep stroking my armpit hair’ is a bit startling, isn’t it? 

He’s so distracted by the inner turmoil that he doesn’t realize the path Marcus’ has taken until hot breath ghosts that bit of fat between his tit and armpit and then he sniffs, and groans, and licks up all the hair while he presses his cock down into Dieter’s own and Jesus Fuck—

He quickly finds purchase in Marcus’ hair and curses, grinds his hips back up into him with what he hopes is encouraging words. But forgive him if his brain is a little bit completely scrambled. 

Marcus bites just under his patch of armpit hair, burying his nose in it once more, and these primal sounds he makes are vibrating through Dieter’s chest. All he can do at this point is lie back and take it and succumb to the fact that this is definitely altering his brain chemistry for the rest of his life. 

It all stops rather abruptly, though, and two hot hands grab Dieter’s hips hard, pushes them down into the mattress as Marcus arches away from him. 

“I might— I might come.”

Dieter blinks his bleary eyes open to look at the panicked man, who’s squeezing his eyes shut and biting his lip. 

“It’s okay if you do. You can have me all night.” 

“Fuck— Shut up, Jesus Christ.”

Dieter huffs, scratches at his wet armpit, and patiently waits for Marcus to settle down. He could probably come that way too, to be honest, with that pretty boy’s tongue lapping at his underarm and their cocks grinding together. 

Marcus’ eyelashes flutter open, and Dieter smiles at him softly, careful not to move or touch. He looks like a hair trigger, sweaty and panting already, with a really fucking hot damp patch soaking through the crotch of his jeans. 

“Sorry. I think I’m good— wait, sorry, was that weird?”

Dieter allows himself to place one of his hands on Marcus’ own, where it’s still gripping tight to his hip bone. 

“It was weird in the hottest way possible.” 

Marcus shakes his head at himself and closes his eyes again. 

“I’m dead serious. I didn’t know how sensitive I was there. You’re teaching me things. That’s super hot.”

Marcus sighs. 

“It’s just… I like the hair. And your deodorant smells nice.”

He pries his eyes open, like he expects Dieter to be disgusted, but his confession only makes his cock jump very prominently in his pajamas. 

“Doesn’t taste very good, though.” 

And now Dieter is laughing, and tugging Marcus back down, mumbling ‘prove it’ and shoving his tongue into his offensively chemical-flavored mouth. 

It’s okay though, he just licks and licks until the taste has dissipated and Marcus is letting go of the death grip on his sides. His mouth follows a much more predictable route, this time, and Dieter watches his every move as those pretty lips wrap around his nipples, one and then the other, until he’s biting and Dieter is whimpering and asking for more. 

“You can leave marks. I like ‘em.” 

Marcus curses against his sternum and obeys, so fucking obedient, suckling Dieter’s skin and rolling it between his teeth. Looking up at him, his eyes look so determined, all dark and heavy, especially when he pulls away to admire the bruise he’s left. 

“More. Want to see you all over me in the morning.” 

“Fuck, Dieter. How’d you get so good at— at talking like that?” 

Dieter chuckles, then hisses when Marcus sucks the skin on his belly into the sharp edges of his teeth. He’s looking up with an expectant quirk of his brow.

“I just say what’s on my mind,” he answers.

Marcus hums, and Dieter places his hand on his jaw to feel it working, a third mark blooming bright red on his hip. 

“What’s on your mind?” He asks. 

A fourth mark, this one deeper than the rest, right above the waistband of his pants, as Marcus thinks. 

“I want your cock in my mouth.”

Said cock jerks wildly, disrupting the tent in his pajamas, and Marcus has the audacity to smirk. Dieter lets his thumb trace that wet, swollen bottom lip and doesn’t miss the little whine that Marcus tries to hide. 

“Will you teach me?” 

It’s now that Dieter realizes he’s created an absolute monster, with Marcus looking up at him all wide-eyed, batting those long eyelashes. He knows what he’s doing, and it just makes it all so much worse. Or better. Both, really. 

He clears his throat to try to gather his bearings before he speaks. 

“Yeah, I’ll teach you. Pull it out for me.” 

Dieter watches as his breath hitches, and he eyes the tent in Dieter’s pants with an array of emotions washing over his features. There’s hesitation for sure, as he toys with his waistband. But he’s licking his lips, and taking a big deep breath as he tugs them down Dieter’s thighs. 

And then he’s staring at his cock, swaying in the breeze, and Dieter thinks this would be much less intense if penises weren’t so offensive and in your face. 

“Pretty,” Marcus mumbles, and it makes him giggle. 

“Yeah?” 

“Yeah, it’s— I like it.” 

“Thank you. That’s very sweet.” 

Marcus rolls his eyes but smiles. 

“I can touch it?”

“Yeah, of course. Anything you want. Go at your own pace.”

Maybe it’s cliche, but as soon as Marcus’ hand wraps around his cock, Dieter is done for. Fuck, it feels so good, the way his movements are gentle and calculated, the way he’s being so attentive for his first time, exploratory. His free hand cradles Dieter’s sac, his thumb tracing the seam, and it’s alarming how close this is getting him. It’s so intimate, and genuine, and it’s so hot that he gets to be here for Marcus’ first time. 

Marcus squeezes him tight and strokes, once, from base to tip. He thumbs at his frenulum, slippery with pre come, then lifts that to his lips. It’s like slow motion when he watches him poke his tongue out to taste, and he closes his eyes and hums. 

“Better than the deodorant, for sure.” 

And Dieter’s cock bobs as he laughs. 

“That’s a relief.” 

“I’ve never tasted my own before,” Marcus says. 

“No?” 

“Mm-mm. Seemed… gay.” 

And he laughs at himself, but his face inches closer, and in an instant his tongue is flicking out to lap up more of it, straight from the source. 

Dieter gasps at the contact, so sudden. His taste buds are rough against his slit, in a good way, and he has to cradle Marcus’ neck to reel himself in. 

“That’s so good,” he whispers, “keep doing that.” 

And he does, little kitten licks to the sensitive head of his cock, looking up at him from under those long eyelashes. Dieter groans and closes his eyes because if Marcus keeps looking at him like that, he will come before he can have any fun with him. 

Then, in an instant, he’s completely enveloped by warmth and wetness, too fast, and he opens his eyes at the same time Marcus gags and coughs and pulls off of him. 

“Jesus, Marcus, take it slow.” 

He coughs more, with brow all furrowed and frustrated, and Dieter smooths his hair off of his forehead. 

“Are you alright?” 

Marcus clears his throat as he nods. 

“Yeah, sorry, I can’t— I thought that would be easier.”

Dieter huffs, sits up a bit and leans on his elbow so he can see him better. His eyes are watery and not in a sexy way this time. He pets Marcus’ hair a bit, hoping to soothe him, but the redness doesn’t fade from his cheeks. 

“You don’t have to take it all, that’s no fun, choking like that,” he says, “are you sure you’re okay? We can stop.” 

“No! No— I don’t wanna stop. I’m just embarrassed.”

God, he’s so fucking sweet. 

“Don’t be embarrassed. We’ve all been there. I threw up on the first dick I sucked.” 

“Gross, dude.”

“I’m just saying, it could be way worse. Nothing to even be embarrassed about.” 

Marcus sighs and hides his face in the crease of Dieter’s hip. 

“Seriously, I’m still so hard I could shatter diamonds. You’re so fucking hot, it doesn’t matter if you choke a little.” 

He feels Marcus’ teeth on the skin of his hip before he sees his jaw moving. He bites and sucks and it’s another beautiful piece of him he’ll get to take from this experience. 

“That’s it. It’s all about the recovery. Fuck, Marcus, your mouth feels so good on me. Everywhere.” 

Dieter lifts his hips up to encourage him to bite more, mark him up all over. He follows eagerly, until there’s little love bites scattered across the thin skin over his hip bone and his cock is weeping for attention. 

Marcus looks up at him, finally, as he hovers just above his prick.

“Can I try again?”

Dieter hums and cards his fingers through his thick brown hair. 

“Play until you win, babe.” 

He’s much more careful, this time. He takes the head into his mouth and sucks, lets his tongue lather and swirl around it as his hand keeps his dick in place. He’s gorgeous, with his cheeks hollowed out and his eyes shut in concentration. 

“Yeah, just like that, fucking perfect.”

Marcus whimpers around his cock, and drool is starting to leak from the corners of his mouth and drip down Dieter’s shaft. 

“Move your hand a bit, jerk me off while you suck on it.”

He follows the direction so well, letting his hand draw up to meet his lips, then back down, over and over, and Dieter can feel his gut growing hot and tight. His tongue is working him relentlessly, and he’s never really had a partner use theirs so much, but the frantic swirling and flicking has his head spinning. 

“You’re amazing,” Dieter breathes, “making me feel so good.”

At the encouragement, Marcus braves another inch of his cock. He starts to bob his head up and down, following his lips with his fist, and the breaths through his nose get heavier. Dieter babbles a bit, just encouraging words as Marcus works him dutifully, trying with all his might not to thrust up into his hot, sloppy mouth. 

But then Marcus looks up at him with his pretty brown eyes and groans around the cock in his mouth and it’s too much. 

“Fuck— fuck, Marcus, let me go.” 

Marcus does, as quickly as he can, panting when his mouth is finally free. 

“What’s wrong?” 

Dieter huffs. 

“Nothing, you’re perfect, gorgeous, beautiful. I just don’t wanna come yet.” 

“Oh.”

The little cock drunk smile he gets is too cute, and Dieter tugs lightly on his hair to get him to crawl back up for a kiss. He tastes like pre-cum, and his nails bite into the heated skin of Marcus’ back for purchase. 

“How are you feeling? Still gay?” 

Marcus laughs against his lips. 

“The gayest I’ve ever been.” 

Dieter collapses back on the pillows to look up at him. 

“Really though, are you still into this?” 

Marcus nods, presses his hips into Dieter’s thigh to swipe away any last remaining doubt. 

“Alright, next and final lesson. Get those tight little jeans off.”

He’s so quick to obey, and Dieter tries not to gawk at how much bigger that wet spot has grown just below his fly. He shakes himself out of it and gets his pajama pants completely off his legs. 

Marcus is so fucking hot, jesus, Dieter feels like he’s pushing his luck having him here in his bed. So lean and long, and his cock is uncut and curves a bit to the left, and he’s still so hard. 

“Get beside me, face me.”

And Marcus looks right at home like this, laid out in his bed, with his bicep bulging from propping his head up on his hand. 

“What’s the lesson?” 

Dieter smirks at the eagerness. 

“I’m gonna jerk us off together.”

Marcus raises his brow. 

“Like, at the same time?”

Dieter hums his affirmative, reaches a tentative hand out to cup Marcus’ pert little asscheek, and chuckles when he twitches. 

“Don’t worry, we’ll save that for another time. If you want.” 

“Shit, yeah, okay.”

And isn’t that gonna be fun? The thought makes Dieter’s cock throb and jerk and he shuffles to close the distance so their pricks line up together. 

“Is this okay? Like this?” 

He looks up from their cocks to watch Marcus’ jaw go slack. 

“Oh god, ‘m not gonna last at all.”

Even as he says it, he’s wrapping his own hand around both of them and squeezing, groaning at the feeling and bucking his hips so they slide together. 

“I don’t want you to last, I want you to feel good.” 

Dieter lets his hand join the fun, covering what Marcus can’t, and his cock jumps in their combined hold when Marcus whines.

“I do, I— fuck, I really do.” 

“Kiss me?”

He’s cut off by Marcus’ lips, all swollen and hot against his own. Marcus moans as soon as their tongues meet, and he starts shaking like a leaf. His hand squeezes harder around their pricks, works them faster, and Dieter can feel each and every twitch of his dripping cock. 

He’s so frantic with it. His breathing whistles fast through his nose, panting into his mouth, and every other exhale is a desperate little noise. It only takes a few dozen strokes for Marcus to fall apart.

“Gonna come— I’m coming, Dieter—”

He gasps as it washes over him. Dieter feels his hot, sticky cum splash over his own hand and his cock and his stomach. Marcus hides his face in the crook of Dieter’s neck and bites as it courses through him. It sends a hot white spark down his spine, and what little filter he’d maintained throughout the night completely short-circuits.

“Shit, that’s it. So fucking good, coming all over me— Fuck, Marcus, you’re hot when you come. You feel so fucking good.”

Marcus whimpers through his aftershocks as Dieter fills his ears with whatever filth he can muster. When it’s too much, and Marcus has to slide his spent cock from their joined hands, he doesn’t let go of Dieter. He helps, with the slick aid of his cum, and Dieter topples over the edge with a growl and Marcus sucks another mark into his overheated skin. 

It’s blinding, it’s his favorite orgasm he’s ever had for sure. Marcus gasps when the first streak of his spend shoots all over his smooth stomach. 

“Fuck yes,” he sighs, exerted but intrigued as Dieter fucks their fists. 

His cum mixes with the stains Marcus already left on his blanket, slowing to a trickle just as Marcus’ grasp loosens. Even when he’s empty, Dieter can still feel the orgasm buzzing through his body as he tries to regain his breath. 

Marcus finally looks up from the scene of the crime and Dieter wants to take a picture of the fucked-out look on his face, his messy hair, his spit-slick lips and flushed face. But he can’t, so he kisses him instead, closing his eyes so maybe he can burn that image into his memory for eternity. 

It’s lazy, so much slower and softer than the way Marcus kissed when he was all keyed up. 

Shit.

Dieter’s in for it. He’s always had an addictive personality, and having Marcus in his bed has been stronger than any fucking drug he’s tried before. 

He whimpers when Marcus pulls away, chasing his lips just for a moment before he reels himself back in. 

He looks down at the mess he’s going to promptly ignore, thinks about how far away the bathroom closet is with all the towels. But then one slender finger is swiping through the cum puddle between them, and lifting to his face, and Dieter devours. 

Marcus chuckles at the desperate noise Dieter makes as he swirls his tongue around to lick up every last drop. 

“How do we taste together?” 

Goddamn, Marcus is much more suave after an orgasm. 

“Like we were made for each other.” 

Christ, he needs to get himself together. His brain is just so fucking fuzzy and light.

Marcus doesn’t run for the hills, though. He giggles, and dips that same finger into their mess again. He brings it up to his own lips this time, sucking it inside his mouth and pulling it out clean. 

There’s a slight grimace as he rolls it around in his mouth. 

“Not as sweet as you were earlier.” 

And Dieter laughs, brushes his two cleanest knuckles against the skin of Marcus’ hip. 

“It’s an acquired taste.” 

Marcus nods, and looks down between them, and some of that lightness in his features fizzles out. 

“Hang on— here, use these.”

Dieter hands him his discarded pajama pants, and they use one leg each to tidy up their hands and stomachs and cocks. Then Dieter balls them up to swipe at his sticky blanket as best as he can. And it’s all so quiet, as their breathing has evened out, and fuck, what if Marcus has some crazy post-nut clarity after this… heavy situation? 

He’s staring at the bedroom door when Dieter looks up to face him. 

“Should I uh… go… now?” 

Dieter sighs and finally gets his freshly wiped hand on Marcus’ skin, colder now where all the sweat has cooled. 

“Personally, I would like it if you stayed. Cuddling after sex is… well, I like it a lot. Some people don’t… it’s okay if you don’t. Whatever you’re comfortable with. This was probably a lot for y—”

Marcus cuts off his rambling— thank god— by burrowing his face in Dieter’s chest and tangling their naked legs together. They both release two huge twin sighs, and Dieter’s instantly soothed by the weight against him, and the lithe fingers stroking his back. 

Dieter can’t help it, he tucks his chin and plants a kiss to the crown of Marcus’ head. He drowns in the scent of sweat and cheap shampoo and feels so grounded for the first time in a very long time. 

Marcus hums, and Dieter pulls him in tighter, swipes his palm over the curve of his tiny asscheek. 

He clears his throat. 

“I don’t have any plans tomorrow…” 

Marcus lifts his head, and he looks so sleepy but so satisfied. 

“So we can stay up all night? You can— could you show me more things?” 

Dieter chuckles and kisses his lips to hide how relieved he feels. 

“Was gonna see if you wanted to catch a movie or something. But I think I like your idea better.” 

“Oh— a movie sounds good! I mean, it would be chill.” 

Dieter huffs. 

“Split the difference, we’ll watch a movie here while I eat your cute little ass?” 

Dieter actually feels his limp cock twitch against his thigh, and tries to hold back a self-satisfied smirk. 

“Yep. Yeah, let’s do that instead.” 

Dieter kisses him, this time just because he can. 

“Get some sleep first, okay? I’ll be right here.” 

The look of comfort on Marcus’ face makes his chest burn and ache. His droopy eyelids close as he smiles, and his head drops to Dieter’s splayed out arm. 

He just watches, for a little while. Lets himself count the deep, even breaths Marcus takes and feels them on the skin of his bicep. 

His arm is gonna go numb in about two minutes tops, and he’ll cherish every pinprick until he drifts off.

[dovveri]

you can kiss a hundred boys in bars

synopsis: good luck, babe! - inspired fic (essentially sana left 6 years ago and you still can't stop thinking about her even though you're married to another man)

warnings: cheating, internalised homophobia, not chronological, implied sex, cursing

w/c: 6.4k

a/n: hi 😀 this one may not hit as many of the audiences but it was interesting to write. i zon't think i like it toooo much for how much time i spent on it (edit: the moots have made my day i do like this one a lot actually) but just one of those things i needed to get out before i was able to move on to the next thing :P weeeEEEEHHEEEE i love angst!!!!!!!

ok this one's going to be a bit different guys pls READ THIS or you'll be like what the fuck. purple text is the present. ty enjoy, that was it LOL.

▂▂⌇

you wake up with a migraine. it came not long after you married frank and it’s stayed ever since. you sit up on the bed, careful not to make too much movement or sound to wake your husband next to you. although that was pretty unlikely anyway considering how he slept.

you sigh lightly, holding your head in your hands trying to mitigate the damage.

your head starts drifting off, as it did on most nights these days. it seemed the only thing that ever worked to stop the pounding in your head was thinking about her.

▂▂⌇

funnily enough, sana was actually the reason you and frank had met.

it had happened when the both of you were at a bar after class celebrating the end of exams. sana being sana had made a whole group of friends 10 minutes upon entering the establishment. you were sitting back watching her challenge someone to down the most shots in one minute. you would have stopped her on another day but after the hell week she's been through with her finals, you figured she deserved it. and you'd be there to take her home afterwards anyway.

she's whooping and jumping around, turning back to you with a grin when she wins. the poor loser skulking away back to his friends.

frank goes up to her then. introducing himself with that kind voice of his, just making sure she had someone to go home with and look after her.

and sana adored the attention. she's flirting with that charm of hers that no one could resist. but strangely enough, frank resisted. he was a gentleman, not wanting to pursue anything while sana was intoxicated, instead, he asked who could look after her, and sana points to you.

▂▂⌇

you're not getting back to sleep. instead you silently step out of bed, grabbing your phone and the hidden pack of cigarettes you kept in the second drawer of your bedside cupboard.

you step outside onto the balcony, breathing in the cool night air, shivering a little as you wrap the blanket you left on the balcony chair around you.

you click the lighter on, the small flame illuminating the darkness of the night, the only other light source aside from the moon. you're thinking if sana's somewhere she can see the moon right now while you put the lighter to the end of your cigarette. is it night for her? was she asleep? did she ever think about you?

you bring the stick to your mouth, inhaling, feeling the roughness of the nicotine hit your lungs, and exhaling softly, watching the wisps of smoke dissolve into the night sky.

sana hated when you smoked. frank didn't like it too much either, but he was never able to stop you.

▂▂⌇

"do you have to do that here?" sana's frowning when you release a puff of smoke into the air.

"sorry. stressed." you mumble in response, cig still stuck between your lips.

"you know i can help with that. just not when you taste like an ashtray." sana's still staring at the cancer stick you're sucking on with contempt, she never hated anything but if you had to place your money on something it'd be your bad habit.

you're smiling sheepishly, taking the cigarette out of your mouth and smooshing the end until it's not burning anymore.

the frown on her face is gone immediately, she's charmed you listen to her so easily. and she sticks to her word, stepping closer and leaning in.

your lips meet lazily, she's got a hand on your cheek, the other at your waist. you're wrapping your arms around her hips, holding her against you as your lips slot against each other.

sana was an attractive woman. there was no doubt about that. the two of you had met during high school. she had caught you sneaking off for a smoke during P.E. and had somehow convinced you to go and get your nails done with her instead. ever since then you two had been inseperable.

it was after you broke up with your first boyfriend in college that you started sleeping together. you remember he had decided to call it off because he was going all mormon and was ashamed of having had sex already, calling you a 'sex-addicted whore who was sent by the devil to tempt him into the flames of hell'. sana despised that he made you feel unwanted, and even more that he blamed you for the break up. she needed you to know just how valued you were, just how wanted you were, and in her drunk dazed mind that meant worshipping you until you came crying under her. and in your drunk dazed, heartbroken, self-pitying mind, you let her.

when it happened again, and again, and again, and then not under any alcoholic influence, the both of you decided to continue seeking each other out for sexual relief whenever you were stressed, or in any sort of mood that called for sex. you stopped every time one of you started a new relationship, but you always found your way back into each other's arms eventually.

▂▂⌇

you curse lightly when you reach the end of your cigarette.

picking out another one, you’re repeating your actions, lighting it up, bringing it between your lips, inhaling, feeling it fill your lungs, and then pushing it back out.

there hasn’t been a single day that’s gone by where you hadn’t thought about sana. frank didn’t get it at first. he asked you why you couldn’t just call her, you two were the best of friends, surely it wouldn’t be that difficult to reconnect?

he didn’t know you slept with sana on the night of you and frank’s wedding. doesn’t know the countless times you’ve slept with her before that. doesn’t know sana woke up earlier than you the next day, disappearing into the early morning, no note, no text, nothing. you were too ashamed to try and contact her for weeks after that, it wasn’t until you came back from your honeymoon that you realised you were knocking on an empty door when you tried to find her at her apartment. it was cleaned out, no furniture, no remnants of her, nothing to prove she even existed. you had called her over and over, tears of desperation spilling over, holding back choked sobs that only grew stronger with each voicemail message.

it wasn't until sana's old landlord holding a 'for lease' sign in his hand comes and kicks you out that you finally realise you'd lost her.

after that, your relationship with frank started to deteriorate. what did you expect though? was it sana's fault? if sana hadn't left would you have lived happily ever after, the three of you together?

it took a long time to realise the answer to that was no. you spent years blaming sana for leaving, and when you finally came to the terms that you were the one who drove her away, it was too much to bear.

▂▂⌇

"y/n!"

you smile at the sound of sana calling you in the corridor, turning to meet her hug as she crashes into you.

she starts talking your ear off and you nod along enthusiastically, but suddenly she stops, looks down to your hand, intertwined with someone else's.

"oh. who's this y/n?"

you look over at your newest boyfriend in surprise, almost forgetting he was holding your hand and standing next to you. you tended to forget a lot of things when sana was around.

"oh this is danny. we met at that bar i told you about last week remember?"

"hmm..." she's looking up at him in scrutiny, eyes squinted and eyebrows furrowed. you can feel danny's palms start to sweat under her gaze.

"one week huh? not bad, let's see how long you last, if you go longer than a month then i'll introduce myself to you." sana says then.

"sana!" you're hitting her lightly, flabbergasted at her insinuation.

"what? your last one was like 3 days. you just keep breaking these guys' hearts y/n." she places a hand over her heart dramatically.

danny's tightening his grip around your hand, speaking up, "excuse me, i don’t appreciate you wishing doom on our relationship even before its started. and i wouldn’t want to be introduced to a slut who’s never had a real relationship before anyway.”

sana’s speechless for a second but her face morphs into a scowl quickly after, “okay danny,” spitting out his name, “first rule of being a decent boyfriend? don’t talk shit about your girlfriend’s best friends. let’s see you last another hour after that comment.” she turns to you, raising an eyebrow, “you gonna let him off with that y/n?”

you’re stuck, and danny’s looking at you expectantly.

“sana… that comment was a little uncalled for y’know… you did kinda start this…”

danny’s smirking, looking smugly back towards sana.

“what?! are you serious right now y/n? y’know what? i don’t care. your life and whatever. see you later.” she’s stomping off, your heart sinking as you watch her.

“c’mon babe, forget her. let’s go get sushi.” danny doesn’t wait for a response before he’s pulling you in the other direction.

▂▂⌇

when you wake up again the next day, frank’s gone.

you stumble to your feet, clumsily making your way to the bathroom.

it’s almost late afternoon already. you’re lucky you didn’t have work today.

sana always used to scold you if you woke up past noon. she said you'd waste the whole day sleeping when you could have been spending it with her.

these days the second option wasn't exactly viable.

you cringe a little when you catch sight of yourself in the mirror. unkempt hair, dark circles under your eyes, visible signs of ageing. you'd bet sana still looked as radiant as she was all those years ago.

your phone starts buzzing when you turn on your electric toothbrush. it couldn't be anyone else other than frank. you didn't really talk to anyone else anyway. after sana left, you became a social recluse, and a lot of your friends were technically sana's friends so without that mutual connection anymore, you drifted from them very quickly.

“hello?”

“hey y/n, is my white button-up back from the dry cleaners yet? i need it tonight for this work event.”

“… no you didn’t tell me to pick anything up.”

“what? i left a note for you on the fridge did you not see it?”

“i just woke up frank.”

“it’s 2pm.”

“yeah.”

you can hear him sigh over the phone, “alright it’s fine i’ll pick it up after work.” he hangs up abruptly after he says that.

no goodbye, no i love you, he doesn’t call you by any pet names anymore either, just y/n. well it’s not like you did any of those things for him so you suppose it’s fair. he did do a lot of those things when you were dating and early in your marriage but eventually, when you stopped responding and got more and more tired of being with him, he stopped trying as well. you can’t even remember the last time you were intimate together.

frank had suggested the both of you try out marriage counselling but you were strongly against the idea. you didn’t feel particularly excited about disclosing everything that went on with sana with frank let alone with a complete stranger. you remember that week you fought about it and you ran away and didn’t come back until a month later. frank only tried to call you once during that time.

▂▂⌇

you were standing in front of an apartment door in japan.

you weren’t really thinking when you stood at the front desk of the airport, demanding a ticket for the next flight to osaka with only a small backpack and some essentials you were able to grab after your fight with frank.

it wasn’t until you were physically in the plane that you realised you didn’t actually know anyone but sana there. and you had made that unconscious decision because being with frank was simply too… nothing, and being with sana was… everything. it had been over 6 years since you had seen her last, when she left you that quiet night in may.

though it seems fate was on your side this time. sana’s cousin just happened to be working at the airport the night you arrived, when she recognised you, she was waving excitedly, ushering you over.

“y/n right? oh my goodness i haven’t seen you in so long! not since that time sana brought you here 7 years ago right?” her accent is a little thick but you’re grateful she can speak korean regardless, you could only understand very basic japanese picked up from sana.

you’re nervously rubbing the back of your neck, “ahaha yeah… do you actually happen to have sana’s address?”

she frowns a little, “she didn’t give it to you when she found out you were coming?”

it seems like sana hasn’t told many people about your relationship with her either.

“u-um ahaha no she must have forgotten. you know how she gets… too excited she forgets the important little details.”

the cousin laughs a little in response, agreeing and quickly typing in sana’s address on your phone. internally you’re thanking all the gods and deities you know of for this stroke of luck or you’d really be stranded in osaka with no knowledge of the language and nowhere to stay.

“i have to get back to work but say hi to sana for me! we haven’t seen her much since she came back a few years ago, she’s been really busy with work i think.”

you nod, heart pounding at the tidbits of information you’re getting about sana. anything to fill in the 6 year gap you’ve been apart.

you wave goodbye, thanking her again and then you’re hailing down a taxi and showing the driver the destination on your phone.

so now you’re standing in front of her apartment door, hands sweaty and nervous, just praying she wouldn’t kick you out or worse.

you’ve been standing here stupidly, deliberating when, how, if you should even knock. when there’s a slight commotion to your left, the sound of a bag of groceries dropping and a light gasp.

“y/n?”

it’s very cinematic when you turn, sana coming into view for the first time in so long is like finding water in a desert. you’re drinking her in hungrily, her darker hair, smile lines, perfect nose, she looks just as beautiful as you remember.

“sana…” you’re voice is hoarse with emotion.

she’s taking slow steps towards you after picking up her groceries. one… two…

“what are you doing here?”

“i-i- u-um i-“

“how did you get my address?”

“u-um i saw y-your cousin at the airport and she recognised me and i- i may have asked her for your address... i'm sorry! i would have called or like let you know but... y'know... i-i couldn't really do that..."

she considers you for a little bit, looking you up and down, her face stoic.

"...did you come here for something then?"

"i- um- well not really it was k-kinda an impulse decision. u-um frank and i fought and i just- i don't know i went to the airport and i found myself here i guess..."

you notice how her hand tightens at the mention of frank's name, the slight sound of the crinkling of her grocery bag.

"and what did you want me to do about that?" she's pushing past you now, taking out her keys and starting to unlock her door. you begin to panic, scrambling for words.

"i- sana please! i- i'm sorry! i'm sorry okay?"

the jingling of her keys stops, but she doesn't look back at you.

"what are you sorry for? i'm the one who left remember?" her voice is bitter and a little shaky, you realise she's not facing you because she's trying not to cry. you ache to hold her.

"i… i’m the reason you left though. right? it took me a long time to realise but i’m sorry i wasn’t able to be true to myself and i’m sorry you were a casualty to that. i missed you sana…." your voice is quiet, you feel your own tears welling up in your eyes.

“… what weren’t you true to yourself about?”

you take a big inhale, breath shaky when you let it back out. “that i love you.” your voice is tiny, you just confessed your love for the woman you’ve spent most of your life with, the woman that’s occupied your mind every second of every minute since she’s entered your life. the woman you were too scared to admit you loved, who waited for you to do exactly that only for you to enter a loveless marriage with someone else. you can only imagine the pain you’ve put her through. it would be nothing compared to the last 6 years without her. and the last 6 years without sana were undoubtedly the worst of your life.

sana’s sniffling now, unable to hold back her cries.

you inch forward and tentatively place a hand on her shoulder. when she doesn’t move it, you shift closer again to wrap your arms around her loosely.

suddenly sana’s turning and burrowing her face in your neck, you feel her wet tears stain your skin, but also your own start to run down your face. you're surrounded with sana sana sana, her smell, her sounds, the feel of her against you when you tighten your arms around her. you missed this so fucking much. you missed her. and for the first time in 6 years, you finally felt like you were home again.

▂▂⌇

after you've finished your morning routine, you lazily trudge into the kitchen, discarding the small note frank had told you about, and pouring yourself a bowl of cereal.

you sigh into the empty house. frank wanted kids of course, that's why you bought such a large house in the first place. he had dreamt of the whole white-picket fence family and you were excited to share that with him and sana. she had helped you design the place, decorate it when you first moved in, she was meant to move across the street and you were going to grow old together and watch as your kids played around and became the best of friends, just like the two of you were.

now though? you hated this house. it just felt so much more empty. you and frank had tried for kids, although that only really drove you further apart. sex just became more of a chore than something you enjoyed, and when people know you're trying to get pregnant? suddenly everyone has their 2 cents on what you should eat, what types of exercise you should do, the latest superfood that was meant to make you more fertile. everyone seemed to have more control over your own relationship, over your own body than you did.

eventually, the small amounts of love you and frank had for each other, fizzled out. and you decided you didn't want to raise a child in a loveless marriage, that wouldn't be fair to them. frank, even with his endless optimism and kind soul, agreed.

▂▂⌇

that night in japan, for the first time in six years since you saw sana, you were able to kiss her again, to feel her bare skin against yours, to taste her as she writhed and cried out your name above you.

you woke up before her the next day, sun sluggishly making its way past the horizon. you watched as her breaths came in and out, soft, her expression at peace, not clouded with anger or sadness at you. you traced the lines of her face, recollecting every single hair, every mole, every perfection and imperfection on her, so she'd always be with you in your memory.

she stirred after a while, blinking softly and you wait for her to come to, fingers tracing soft lines over her side.

you feel her freeze under you, breathing picking up, just barely noticeable but you were sharing the same airspace. her eyes meet yours for the first time that morning and you're committing the brown irises to memory now as well.

"you didn't leave." her voice is laced with morning fatigue.

you only hum in response, continuing to trace random shapes into her skin.

"why?"

you take a moment to think about your answer. years ago, you would've been terrified with the idea that someone would've found out about the two of you. that someone would know your dirty little secret. and that secret was that you were in love with your best friend. it was different for sana. sana was flamboyant, and proud, and happy. it wouldn't matter who sana liked because that didn't take away from her personality. she was still valuable as a person. you weren't like that though. you were always just sana's best friend or danny's girlfriend or frank's girlfriend or whoever else you dated at the time. the moment you deviated from that, a new label would be stuck on you, and people would pity sana, talk about how she could do so much better, how you were a witch who lured sana in. so you were selfish. you took from sana, and you never gave back. because sana was perfect in your mind, and she didn't need anything else.

"i'm sorry. there's a lot to be sorry for and a lot i need to make up to you. but at the core of it all, i love you sana. these six years without you have been hell. and i'm sorry it took that long for me to realise this, but i love you, not frank, not anyone else, just you."

you feel your eyes begin to tear up, heavy with emotions, sana's mirroring you, her bottom lip slightly quivering.

"what happened with frank?" her voice is a little shaky.

"we fought. i didn't want to deal with him anymore, my feet took me to the airport, and i ended up here."

sana sighs then, turning away from you and lying on her back. "so you're still together?"

"well... i- no but-"

"how is this time any different then y/n?"

"i- i- it's over, me and him. seeing you again has affirmed that for me. there hasn't been love between frank and i for a long time. i never loved him the way i love you. i'm ending things as soon as i get back. i promise sana. please- please believe me." you're scrambling a little, you couldn't afford to lose sana again. not after you had just gotten her back.

you can see tears running down the side of her face. you hate yourself for making her cry. that seems to be all you ever made her do.

"okay."

"okay?"

she turns to you again, wiping at her eyes, "okay. i really shouldn't but i love you too much and i've missed you too much to say no."

"really?" your perking up, disbelief clear.

"you keep asking me that and i'll change my mind." she teases, smiling for the first time.

you're overjoyed. rolling onto her and sweeping her up in a kiss, hoping your actions convey your feelings for her better than your words do. she's laughing into you and god have you missed that sound. you attack her sides immediately, almost desperate to hear it again, to make her feel something other than the sadness you've caused her. you make a promise to yourself in that moment, that you'd never, never make sana cry again.

it took you only a month to break that promise.

▂▂⌇

"hi, frank's wife right?"

you resist the very strong urge to roll your eyes, instead nodding politely and listening as the woman who approached you launches into a conversation about her husband and how he and frank got along at work and really you couldn't care less.

you were at the work event frank had mentioned in the morning. he did end up picking up his own dry cleaning and you saw him briefly at the event when you first showed up, only saying a quick hello and kissing your cheek before he was off again mingling and entertaining guests.

you had intended on just sticking to the bar and making use of the free-flow alcohol but now this woman was talking to you about her kids, and whatever else and you really just want to throw your drink in her face and yell at her about how to read a room.

you spot frank in the corner of your eye, surrounded by a group of women. you knew he had slept with other people ever since you stopped accepting his advances and affection. you're honestly surprised he hasn't asked for a divorce yet.

but frank was kinder than you. you were still his friend before you were his wife. he still cared about you and didn't want you to be left alone. you couldn't seem to convince him you were fine alone. you learnt to be fine when sana left. although lately, even he seemed to see you less as a friend and more and more, just as his wife.

▂▂⌇

"i still can't believe that time you thought danny was a good choice for you. and you defended him too!" sana was laughing, slapping your arm playfully.

you whine in response, "i told you i was sorry for that alright!!"

she's still laughing when frank comes back to the two of you, looking at you inquisitively and gesturing vaguely towards sana. you shrug, helping him set the food he had ordered for the three of you on the table.

"what's funny sana?" he asks, sliding into the booth with you and picking up a burger.

sana's waving a chip around now, pointing at you, "just talking about y/n's shitty taste in men."

frank fakes shock, looking at you with an exaggerated look of hurt, "me?"

you laugh, hitting him lightly, "not you dummy."

"yeah you're one of the good ones franky. probably the only good one out there."

"aww thanks sana."

sana grins, digging into her food.

you smile at the two of them. your two favourite people in the world. when you first met frank, you were skeptical of him. you were sure he was only trying to be friends with you to get with sana. so imagine your surprise when he had actually been plotting with sana behind your back to ask you out. you had said yes of course, he was a sweet guy, attractive too, and most importantly, sana liked him.

you ended up hitting it off, and the three of you were almost inseparable after that.

it wasn't until about 7 months into your relationship that sana started distancing herself. she would say she was busy, turn down more offers to go out, start hanging around a new group of people.

you heard from frank later that they had some sort of disagreement, which was why sana had started avoiding you. you were hurt by this though, because sana was still your friend. she was yours before you were frank's, and even when you were frank's you were still hers. didn't she know that? she had to.

you intended for her to know that when you cornered her, a late afternoon on a friday when the three of you used to go out for ice-cream as a reward for the week's end, but she had been staying behind to study or always had something else on instead.

"why are you avoiding me?"

sana's eyes are everywhere, her movements skittish as she tries to look for an escape before giving up and huffing. "i don't know what you're talking about."

"yes you do."

"no i don't."

"stop this sana. frank told me the two of you fought. if you don't want to be around him fine. that's your choice. but that doesn't mean you get to avoid me too."

she looks at you then, eyes fiery, "is that what he told you?"

you nod, "i don't understand sana. i don't care that you fought. i can seperate us and my relationship with frank. you're still my best friend."

"we fought because he told me he felt like i was stealing you from him."

"what?"

"yeah. he said he never got to spend any time with you. i was always there. he felt like he was the one who was third-wheeling our relationship."

the words third-wheel and our relationship swim around in your mind, "w-what? that's impossible!"

"is it really though y/n?" sana's voice is soft now.

"what do you mean?"

"i mean, is it really impossible for you to see us that way? frank obviously did, and he felt threatened by that."

"w-what- sana what are you talking about?"

she sighs a little in frustration, and then suddenly she's yanking you forward by the collar and planting her lips against yours. you react automatically, kissing her back, hands immediately going to her waist as you revel in the feeling of her soft lips against yours. it was always so different kissing sana compared to all the other guys you've been with. you chalked it up to the fact that sana took care of her skin, her lips, the way she smelled, all of that made kissing her that much sweeter.

but then you remember frank and you're pulling away, breaths heavier than they were mere seconds ago. "what the fuck sana?!" you're whipping your head around, looking to see if anyone had seen the two of you. it seemed to be clear.

sana's chuckling lowly, wiping at her lips, face downcast.

"what were you thinking?! i'm with frank! you set me up with frank!"

her eyes meet yours again, and you're taken back by the glassy look on her face. she's whispering, "i know. i know and i hate myself for it. i thought- i thought if- i thought i could get over this if i saw you happy with someone else. and then you were! and i just felt worse y/n. and then frank could tell and that was the last straw i guess. i needed to be away, away from you so i could get make these stupid feelings go away. i'm sorry y/n i'm so so sorry."

you're dumbfounded, staring at her blankly when she starts sobbing, hands coming to wipe at tears falling faster than she could catch them.

you don't understand what this means, what you felt, all you knew in that moment was sana was crying. the person you cared about most in the world was crying and you were the reason for it. so you do the one thing to make her stop. you tilt her chin up, heart breaking at the sniffles and the watery eyes, and you press your lips against hers again.

you end up where you've ended up so many times. legs entangled, sweaty bodies on sheets, heavy breathing, and minds lost.

▂▂⌇

you couldn't stand being inside anymore. it was suffocating.

you breathe out smoke as you exhale, the cigarette end still burning.

you watch as someone makes their way outside, shuffling around a little in their pockets and cursing when they realise they don't have a lighter.

the person looks towards you and you hold out yours. you help them light the end of their cigarette and nod when they mutter their thanks, inhaling the smoke into their lungs and standing awkwardly to the side.

it's a few minutes here in the cold, and you're almost finished your cigarette, about to throw it away when the stranger speaks up.

"do i know you from somewhere?"

you pause, looking back, you don't think you recognise this person. "you must have me confused for someone else, i'm sorry."

"wait... no you're sana's best friend right!?"

you drop the cigarette in your hand in shock. it had been a long time since someone had said that name out loud. she only ever lived in your head, it was hard to believe she was someone to other people too.

"right yes of course i remember now! i'm momo i was sana's roommate in college. although you probably don't remember i think we only really met like once. sana was always with you around campus and posted you a lot though so i remember you."

you vaguely recall the woman as she chatters away excitedly.

"right... momo... it's nice to meet you. i'm y/n."

momo grins, "have you spoken to sana lately? i don't think i saw you at the wedding, although i may have just been drunk." she chuckles a little at herself, not realising the way your face drops.

"wedding?"

momo looks at you a little in confusion, "yeah. last month? sana got married in sapporo."

your head is spinning with the new information. sana was married?

“woah you feeling okay?” momo’s reaching out for your shoulder, steadying you. you didn’t even realise you had lost your balance.

“i-i- yeah sorry.”

“you sure? are you here with anyone? anyone i can call?”

“no. it’s okay, thank you though.”

“yeah no problem.”

she’s shuffling back again, sucking on her cigarette.

“sana and i haven’t spoken in years. i was just a little surprised is all.” you speak up when you feel a little steadier on your feet.

“oh shit! i’m so sorry y/n i had no idea!”

“it’s okay, it seems no one really does.” you laugh a little bitterly.

momo doesn’t know how to respond to this, flicking her eyes between you and the door.

“it’s fine though. i’m happy for her.” the words taste vile on your tongue. is this what sana felt when she watched you walk down the aisle on your wedding day?

momo softens a little, “she is happy.” she offers you a kind smile, tapping out her cigarette and mumbling a quick thanks before heading back inside.

once you're sure she's gone you let yourself break down. sobs wrack your body as you hold your hands over your mouth trying to quiet them. you can barely see through the tears streaming out of your eyes. this was it. you'd finally lost her. you couldn't cling to the delusion that somewhere out there, some of her still belonged to you, some of her happiness, her memories, her love. you'd lost all of that now.

▂▂⌇

"what was that y/n?"

"what?"

"don't fuck with me right now. that was frank wasn't it? on the phone just then?"

you sigh, pinching the bridge of your nose, "what do you want me to say sana?"

"that you're keeping your promise. that you're going to return to him, break up with him, and then you're going to come back here to me. and then we can finally start our lives together."

"it's not that easy sana."

she explodes, "what do you mean?! it is that easy y/n! you told me when you came here that you and frank were over. have been for years. and now you can't tell me that same thing?"

"i don't- no sana-"

"what? what y/n? what’s your excuse now? do you have to make sure your job is secure? after you've spent a whole fucking month here you expect me to think you still care about that? do you have a child with him? is that it? is he sick? what other possible excuse is there for 'it's not that easy sana'?!"

"you don't get it! you can't say that to me sana!"

"what?! what don't i get?! tell me y/n, let's sort this shit out right fucking now. tell me why you can't be with me."

"it's not- that's just the way i am sana! i can't-"

"you told me you loved me. was that a lie then?" her eyes are brimming with tears, anger evident and your heart breaks again. you promised, you promised her and you promised yourself that this wouldn't happen again.

you're quick to step in again, trying to stop her from crying the one way you know how, brushing her cheeks with your thumbs and kissing her.

she doesn't let you get away with it this time though. she rips away from you, placing a hand on your chest and pushing you back lightly, keeping you literally at arm's length.

"don't do that." she's chuckling, her laughs mixed in with quiet sobs, "don't think you can just kiss away your problems. that's not how real life works y/n."

"please sana, please just-"

"what? you want me to be okay being your secret again? you want to be able to go around in public with frank only to come home to me? you can't have both y/n! i'm not going to do that again for you!"

you’re both crying now, standing across from each other in sana’s apartment, a place that’s felt more like home to you in a month than your place with frank has felt for you in six years.

your voice comes out in a hoarse whisper when you speak up, “i can’t- i can’t feel like this sana.”

sana’s wiping at her eyes with the sleeve of her sweater. then she’s turning on her heel and heading into the bedroom.

you follow her, you’d follow her anywhere, but your heart sinks when you realise she’s going around the room picking up your belongings and shoving them into your bag.

“w-wait s-sana, what- what are you doing? stop please-“

you’re almost begging, scrambling after her trying to pull her back but she’s stubborn, she’s able to fill the bag within a minute and then she’s pushing it into you, and out the door.

“please! sana please i can’t lose you again don’t do this please- you’re my best friend sana.”

she’s managed to successfully push you out the front door now, still crying. “but you’re not mine y/n. you were never my best friend. you were always the love of my life. and you can’t be that for me anymore. so leave. please. don’t try and find me again.”

“n-no sana please d-don’t-“

“you’d have to stop the world just to stop what you feel for me y/n. but you don’t realise that. and i’m sick of loving someone who can’t give me all of that love back.”

and then she’s slamming her door shut in your face, the both of you sobbing on opposite sides of the door, hearts shattered a second time, and later, when it happens a third time, it’s only the sound of yours breaking.

[andy-wm]

On a personal note...

This is a personal story, so feel free to scroll on past (if you're only here for the Jikookery I can respect that).

I'm posting this because it's connected to what Jimin and Jungkook (specifically Jimin) may or may not be doing with this album and their travel series "Are you sure", and by that I mean coming out publicly as queer and as lovers. If it sounds vague, it is, because I don't know what they're doing yet. I don't know how far Jimin is taking this or what direction he'll go. But if he is going to make his private life public, then my post is relevant even though my experience is a microscopic spec 0f what he will encounter.

I live in a conservative little town on the edge of a big city, we're almost the last stop on the metro train line. This place has 10 000 residents and a reputation for being a little on the rough side. It's not a bad place and the people are not bad people but they won't step aside if you pick a fight, lets put it that way.

There's one high school in our little town, and I am the school librarian. I also run the school's pride club and when I started it 5 years ago (that's when I joined this school) it kicked up a bit of a stink. The community had mixed feelings. I wasn't out as trans at that point, only as queer. The school principal supported the club but wanted me to keep it quiet (I didn't). She wanted me to be appeasing (I wasn't). And when we had challenges from homophobic students, she wanted me to 'let her handle it' ( I didn't).

I responded to bigotry with patience and kindness, modelling the behaviour I expected and having many many conversations about prejudice, the patriarchy, learned behaviour, fear of the unknown, and minding your own damn business....

When I came out as trans to the school community - changing my name and pronouns - I faced some real push back from both staff and students. Students were less openly hostile but sometimes the subtle attempts at bullying are worse. My line manager was really difficult about it. I was a hot topic of conversation. It wasn't a good time. But I stuck with it, partly because I couldn't go back and partly because the Pride Club students were so empowered by what I was doing. They thought I was really brave. I couldn't let them down.

It was a tough time for me personally. Every day was a struggle as I navigated my wavering sense of identity and tried to be true to myself. Most of my family and friends were okay with it but some were not. Some flipped back and forth, some thought I had lost my mind. I had to let a few people go from my life, including one of my closest friends. I've lost a few more since then. I've cried more in the past few years than I have in my whole life and I am pretty tough, so you gotta know - it was a lot.

Fast forward to now. The pride club is well established, homophobia still exists but it's less overt and it's no longer ignored, and we have staff who are active allies. It's definitely a success. Our students to have a safe place where they can be themselves, and slow change is coming to the culture of the school.

It has come at a personal cost though. Not a HUGE personal cost but enough for it to matter. I am recognised and known around town because, well, most people in small communities know each other. But more so because of my role in the school, and because I am the only out and vocal queer person on school staff (yes, there are other LGBTQIA+ staff but they keep it quiet, and I don't really blame them).

At school i still have to correct people on my pronouns on a daily basis, and occasionally a student will throw a comment my way but it's not often these days. I have to come out to all the new staff pretty much as soon as I first meet them otherwise it's awkward. It's just an everyday thing. It's not a big deal but it's tiring, and it's something cis/straight people don't ever have to think about.

What is tough, though, is sniping from the community at large every now and again. I have been targeted on community socials and I've had had some pretty brusque service from local shop owners and service personnel in local businesses. Sometimes I see kids from school at the shops and they point me out to their parents. I pretend it's because they're happy to see me (what the fuck else am I going to do - hide in the apple crate?) They may say a friendly hello... or they may following me through the aisles of the supermarket trying to menace me - yes, that has happened - I just have to wait and see.

I do have allies in the community too - like the gorgeous pharmacist who always gets my name and pronouns right and compliments me (on whatever he can think of) every time I collect my meds. There's a stern woman in the hardware store who makes a point of loudly correcting herself when she uses the wrong pronouns (often). I appreciate this, I really do, but honestly it would be great if she could be a little quieter.

I am not a celebrity by any means, just a small town school librarian. But wherever I go in my small town - to the doctor, the supermarket, the park, or the gym - there's a chance I'll encounter someone who knows my face. Sometimes that makes me nervous.

The point of this long and boring post is to give people who may not know what it's like, a bit of insight into the experience of a regular, everyday person who lives in a conservative place and who is both recognisable and queer. It can be exhausting, and from time to time I struggle with mental health issues. So I have no doubt that for people who are really well known, it would be much, much worse. They would be the subject of public debate on news sites and TV. They'd be tossed into arguments by politicians on both sides of the divide. They'd encounter hostility in person too, and that's really frightening.

So please remember that if the celebs you admire choose NOT to come out, it's because they've weighed up their choices and that's the safest option for them. Support them where they're at, so they can live their best life under the circumstances.

If they do come out, they'll probably need even more support. Please love them, defend them, celebrate them, and validate them. They need you more than you know.

And above all else, be a good human.

PS, no need to comment here, this is purely a PSA <3

[tanadrin]

I'm imagining the very unfortunate 13 year old trans boy who has top surgery and then grows more later as puberty progresses.

(I know that 13 year olds don't get top surgery unless there's something VERY weird/wrong [for instance: cancer] going on with the kid's body.)

Minors absolutely can and do get, for instance, breast implants--but only if they're cis, and only with parental permission. The fucked up thing is that a lot of medical procedures that are considered perfectly safe and uncontroversial as long as you're cis (puberty blockers, HRT, various kinds of plastic surgery) get rhetorically transformed into a big scary cloud of evil for trans people, and even transphobes who are nominally opposed to, say, breast implants for sixteen year olds certainly aren't going to spend nearly as much time, if any at all, railing against that sort of thing in public. Because all of this is a post-hoc justification for an intense disgust they feel at gender nonconformity, not actually a principled defense of anybody's rights.

This is also why you can't rhetorically pin them down on any single point. They'll lie about GCS; and when you point out that's a lie, they'll go "well, what about puberty blockers?" And if you point out that puberty blockers are pretty safe, were invented to treat precocious puberty in cis kids, and their effects are entirely reversible, they'll leap to bathrooms or FUD about nebulous issues of "women's rights," and if you try to pin them down about that, they'll circle right back around to lying about GCS, hoping any onlookers have forgotten about or missed that part of the discussion.

I have very little sympathy for people who argue so transparently in bad faith and whose pyschosexual obsessions are so nakedly on display. Books like Irreversible Damage lay bear the extent to which transphobia is almost wholly about cis peoples' anxiety about their own gender and gender expression, in the same way that homophobia is often straight people twisting themselves into knots about their own sexuality. What these people really need is therapy, or an ayahuasca retreat, or to do some yoga about it, but that would require the uncomfortable process of cultivating self-knowledge, so plan B is "make sure I don't have to be confronted with evidence that the human experience is more diverse and complicated than I have been previously willing to believe."

[martiniblues]

girls like girls, like boys do ; ellie williams

pairing bff!ellie williams x female!reader

synopsis you and ellie have been bestfriends for all of your teenage years. while you bounced around from boy to boy, ellie was left to pine over you alone. little did she know that, all along, the only person you wanted was her.

genre slight violence (blood, fighting, arguments), mentions of weed and alcohol, homophobia both internal and harassment, lots of fluff, loosely based off of the girls like girls music video by hayley kiyoko!

wc 3.9k (i got carried away)

“come on, ellie stop being a hog!” you reached for the glassy object resting between your best friend's legs. her hands wrapped around the base tightly despite her intoxicated state, making your fight even more difficult.

the two of you sat perched on your bathroom counter, your smooth legs lying across ellie’s jean-clad knees. her typical jean and opened short-sleeve button-up combo paled in comparison to your short floral skirt and white top. many couldn’t believe how close you and ellie were. her being known as the “school’s lesbian” and you being known as the "all-star cheerleading captain” didn’t put the two of you in the same crowds at all, but you couldn’t imagine your life without her there to constantly annoy you. as she was doing now.

“i’m not a hog! just don’t want you to get too fucked up.” her head lolled to the side, looking at you through an intoxicated gaze. her freckled cheeks grew flushed under the low lights of the bathroom while her eyes continued to sparkle as they always did, just now tinted red and droopy.

“says the one who can hardly keep her head up.” you argued before finally grasping the colorful bong in between your manicured fingers. to your surprise, ellie didn’t snap back, only igniting her purple lighter and helping you pull.

ellie couldn’t help but eye you as your glossed lips kissed the top, your pretty lashes brushing against the tops of your cheeks as you closed your eyes contently. you could feel her eyes practically burning holes into your head, opening one eye to peek at her as you pulled away to inhale completely.

ellie noticed the smile pulled on your closed lips before she realized you had caught her completely checking you out. “something bothering you, els?” you questioned as you blew the smoke out from between your lips.

she looked away to stare at your patterned shower curtain. the same one the two of you sat against most nights you spent together doing the same things you were doing now.

ellie had liked you for a long time. she couldn’t remember a time when she wasn’t completely enamored by you; whether it was platonic or not, she always loved you. maybe it was the way you two had been spending more time together or the fact you decided to be alone with her than at your party that made her heart lurch in her throat and beg to escape in the form of a confession, but something had shifted.

you two had smoked together plenty of times, but recently her stomach erupted into butterflies at the somewhat “kiss” you two exchanged while sharing joints or passing your bong between the two of you.

you two had changed in front of each other all the time, but recently she couldn’t help but turn and dip her head when she saw you reach for the hem of your blouse to change into your pajamas. even more so when you insisted on wearing one of her lousy band tees instead of your own since hers were “so much more comfy."

“els? what’s up?” your soft hand met the smooth skin of her wrist, breaking her from her daydream. “o-oh… it’s nothing. just dazed out, i guess.” she pulled away to scratch the back of her neck sheepishly, breaking the contact between you two.

you furrowed your brows in confusion. ellie had never been this awkward with you, especially when she’s high. sure, she wasn’t the most poetic with her words, but you never felt awkward with her. ever.

you observed her as her eyes scattered across your bathroom, beginning to grow embarrassed and worried about what was going on in her mind that you couldn’t quite seem to read at the moment.

you had never cared how ellie perceived you, knowing she liked you no matter what. recently, though, you cared a lot about how ellie saw you. when you’d get ready, you'd think about what ellie liked. remembering she always complimented when you wore skirts, those are what you reached for that week and tonight. you wanted her to think of you as you did of her.

you couldn’t help the uproar of thoughts that spun around your head like a curse, screaming to be spoken. “you wanna go back out there? dina should be here by now, and we should greet her.” you hopped off the counter, turning to face ellie, who still sat in place.

she finally averted her gaze to you at the sound of your voice, her eyes visibly softening as they connected with yours. “you… you look really pretty tonight.” she stuttered slightly, trying her best not to break eye contact. it was always so hard for her to look at you without melting into a puddle beneath her feet.

you blushed, instantly taken aback by her words. you leaned forward, placing both hands on the granite countertop beside ellie’s leg. “you look really pretty too, els.” you looked up at her slightly, the counter having given her height she didn’t have when she stood next to you.

you don’t know if it was all your feelings towards ellie or the weed in your system that led you to be so bold in the moment, but she just made it so hard.

you had many boyfriends in the past. all of them falling lower and lower onto your “tier of dickheads” (ellie’s nickname for every one that broke your heart) as they came and went.

you had grown up with the idea that you had to date boys. it’s all you saw, and it’s all you've ever known. you knew gay people existed, but you never mentioned them as much as you knew the consequences. many people in your town grew up the same way as you did, believing being straight was “normal” or even “acceptable” for someone to be.

you knew you should have liked it when your boyfriend kissed you, but you just couldn’t. kissing and touching just seemed to be a requirement in the realm of dating. sure, some of them were nice, but you liked to just be able to hang out without their tongue shoved down your throat just because you were their girlfriend.

when you met ellie and found out she was gay, your view of her didn’t change; she was still ellie. most people stuck up their noses at you or called you “crazy” but you wouldn’t trade their fake tans and cheep perfume for ellie any day.

to your own defense, it wasn’t ellie who made you realize you liked girls. you had always found girls pretty—prettier than your friends ever expressed. you always found yourself staring at the victoria secret ads in the mall for far too long just because they were "pretty".

even if ellie wasn’t the girl who made you realize you liked girls, she was definitely the girl you liked.

“i see her as more than a friend,” you continued to tell yourself as you began to doubt yourself in the late hours of the night. the internalized homophobia ate you alive at any chance you get to have alone, but in this moment with her in the bathroom, all the doubts faded into knowing. you knew how you felt.

you don’t know how long you and ellie stared at each other or when the two of you began to slowly lean in, but a loud bang on the door interrupted the peaceful moment.

“dude, hurry up! this bitch is about to puke!” you shoved your bong into the cabinet beneath the sink before opening the door to reveal two of your classmates clearly drunk beyond repair.

“oh my god, okay, okay!” you yelled at the barely recognizable faces as you reached behind yourself to grab ellie’s hand and pull her out of the bathroom and into the hallway.

ellie held onto your hand tightly as you weaved between sweaty bodies and crowded groups amongst your home. thankfully, everyone was too drunk or high to even notice you and ellie holding hands and walking so closely.

you felt a tug on your wrist as you rounded an empty corner nestled between your kitchen and the front door. you turned to see ellie smiling at you softly. “where are we going?” she asked as you dropped her hand. a faint pout appeared on her lips.

“honestly,” you began as you leaned against the wall to stare ahead at her. “i have no idea. i just wanted to get away from that bathroom before i got puke on my skirt.” you huffed, annoyed that you and ellie’s quiet moment had to be interrupted by someone who couldn’t handle their drinks.

ellie laughed at your words, turning her body so she leaned next to you against the wall. “of course your only concern is if your clothes get dirty.” she laughed, sliding down the wall to sit on the floor.

you looked down at her with fake shock. ellie always liked to pick at your very feminine actions. curling your hair, doing your makeup, tying bows in your hair—she liked to tease you for these things even if she watched in complete awe as you did them.

“you know i don’t mean it; c'mere, i'm all alone down here.” her cold hand wrapped around the skin of your calf, urging you to sit next to her. you had to swallow the scream, which threatened to spill from her hand practically burning into your soul.

you sat down, knees bumping softly, to end up resting against another. maybe it was the weed in your system, but every sense was enhanced by a thousand. the rough fabric of her jeans against your exposed skin made your body ignite with goosebumps. her toned arm brushing against yours made your chest light on fire.

“how would you feel if someone puked on your clothes?” you argued in an attempt to cool yourself down. anything to distract yourself from the overwhelming feelings churning in your stomach.

“this isn’t about me, princess.” she nudged you with her shoulder, making your body fall over slightly. you sat up and pushed her roughly, but her body hardly budged, causing a smirk to appear on her lips once again.

“you’re such a dick,” you scoffed, turning your back towards her as if you’re a toddler getting denied a toy from the store. ellie laughed at your childish antics, reaching out to grab your shoulder and make you turn around, but you just shrugged her off.

“i’m sorry, i’m sorry. please forgive me.” she begged, moving closer to try and face you again. even if you were pretending, ellie hated when you were mad at her (fake or not) more than anything.

you could see her auburn hair from the corner of your eye, causing you to turn your head slightly to side-eye her. "mhmm," you hummed before looking away again.

without another word, ellie grabbed your shoulder tightly and pulled herself away, so she now sat beside you. leaving you nowhere else to look but at her, which, evidently, was more than a difficult task.

“are you really upset with me?” even with the low lighting, you could still see the genuine concern in her eyes. you were shocked by her, only able to shake your head “no” with a small smile creeping onto your lips.

strands of her short hair hung perfectly messy in her face as they fell from her small knot on the back of her head. her lips looked softer than any sweater blanket that ever touched your body, and her hand on your shoulder felt warmer than the most perfect summer day.

you couldn’t take it anymore. you didn’t want to just look at her and imagine doing all the things you wanted to anymore. you needed them to happen before you exploded into nothing but ellie-shaped confetti.

“ellie-“

“y/n-“

you both flushed at the silliness of it all. here, the two of you sat completely infatuated with each other, cheeks pink and eyes in the shape of hearts, but still doubted if the other felt the same.

“can i kiss you?” ellie asked smoothly, catching you off guard at how easily it fell from her lips. ellie instantly panicked at the shocked expression on your face. she immediately scooted away and began apologizing. “i’m sorry… i-i don’t even know why i asked.”

“ellie,” you tried to calm her down as she began frantically searching for a way to ease the situation. you couldn’t watch her make a mess of herself over something you wanted her so badly to do.

“ellie.” you reached out and grabbed her face softly with one hand while the other came to rest on her knee. her face fell from concern to an unreadable expression. a mix between content and confusion.

you leaned in slowly, watching as her eyes quickly looked all over your face, trying to understand if this was real life or just a figment of her intoxicated imagination.

your nose bumped against hers, making you look into her eyes. “can i kiss you?” you exhaled, anxiously awaiting her reply. “please…” she breathed before you placed your lips softly against hers.

there was hardly any movement aside from both of your chests expanding and shrinking from letting go of held breaths and breathing in bigger and better ones as your lips connected. it was soft and short, ending before either of you could make another move.

“i really like you, ellie,” you confessed as your lips parted with a soft smack. “i’ve never liked someone like this before.” you continued, searching her eyes for a reply that she failed to give.

it’s like a switch flipped at your words. ellie reached up to hold the back of your head with her free hand, letting out a quick “thank god” before smashing her lips against yours.

this time, the kiss was heavy and felt less like a trial and more like a confession. her lips moved eagerly against yours, but they were not messy in the slightest. your hand pushed further up her cheek, leaving your thumb to brush against the freckles that littered her skin as the rest of your fingers knotted into her soft strands.

her hand, which lay beneath yours, maneuvered so that your fingers were interlocked tightly, squeezing ever so slightly to try and add emphasis to her feelings towards you.

you squeezed back, making her smile against your lips before tilting her head to kiss you deeper than before.

“what the fuck?” a deep voice pulled you and ellie apart quickly, making you stand up and face the group of people who now looked at you and ellie with mixed faces. most were shocked, while others held a look of disgust, especially the one in the front, which belonged to none other than your most recent ex-boyfriend.

“oh, so we broke up, and now you’re gay?” he gestures his arm out to ellie, who now stands behind you. more people flocked towards the commotion, making you and ellie the center of attention.

“that’s not…” you tried to argue, but you couldn’t think of something to say that could ease the situation. “what? no wonder you were always such a tease,” he began, walking and stalking towards you. his face grew increasingly red with anger.

“always leading me on and leaving me to fix my shit myself because you wanted to get with a homo? you wanna fuck her like a fucking fa-“ his words were cut off as ellie swung at his chiseled face, making you jump and cover your mouth to avoid screaming.

he stumbled at ellie’s force and grabbed his cheek, which began to turn pink with irritation from ellie’s blow. “oh wow, now you have your little girlfriend to defend you.” he laughed darkly as he looked between you and ellie with pure venom in his gaze.

before ellie or you could form a rebuttal, he swung at her face, resulting in an eruption of “oohs” from the crowd of people observing all around.

“ellie!” you screamed, attempting to help her as an arm wrapped around your shoulders, restricting you. your head turned to reveal dina behind you, preventing your attempted move.

“what are you doing?” you yelled at her as your ex and ellie began hitting each other over and over.

“don’t, just don’t. let’s get out of here.” she spoke into your ear as you watched and pulled on her arms, which held you firmly.

“ellie stop! please stop! someone make it stop!” you continued to scream as you watched the fight increase in severity as the seconds went by.

you didn’t want to watch, but you couldn’t look away. with every swing he made, ellie made three, which filled you with some sort of relief before he did just as many hits back.

you clawed at dina’s arms, not caring if you hurt her, as you watched ellie get hurt by someone you claimed to even like. it made you want to puke.

“you think you can take her from me?” your ex growled as he swung at ellie, which she thankfully dodged. she laughed, wiping her bloodied knuckles on her white undershirt. “didn’t have to take what was already mine.” she sneered back, punching him once more directly in the nose.

you couldn’t help but gasp at her words. if it were any other situation, you would feel flattered, but in the moment, all you felt was fear. that had to have struck a nerve.

“you think you’re so funny, huh?” he muttered as blood trickled from his nose and into his mouth, painting his teeth red. “i mean, she sure thinks so.” ellie tried to bite back the nasty comment, but she was so completely enraged that he could even think to speak of you the way he did.

more shouts and whistles erupted from the crowd, ultimately showing their approval of ellie’s comment, even if they didn’t side with her entirely or even at all.

this just fueled his anger more, making him push ellie to the floor and punch her with much more force than he originally had. the sight made you grow silent in fear. you wanted to scream, but the pure shock in your veins rendered you mute.

your fight against dina’s arms only grew as you watched ellie face and body get repeatedly hit. “stop, please fucking stop.” you finally yelled as more and more people cheered and hollered without a care.

with one last tug, you finally freed yourself from dina’s grip and lurched towards the boy who continued to swing on ellie. you were never one with muscles, but some sort of strength took over you as you pulled his body off of ellie and into the wall.

you hit his stupid face over and over, so consumed with anger that you failed to notice dina rush to ellie’s side and pull her up. you couldn’t focus on anything but hurting this boy just as much as he had hurt you, and that included ellie.

you didn’t know how many hits you got or when the crowd began to disperse, but a firm grip on your waist removed you from the boy and planted you on the ground.

“come on, man, let’s get out of here!” a deep voice rang in your head, along with many other loud voices chanting to leave. your vision was blurry with tears, unable to make out any sort of movement, and all you could hear was a dull ring muffling the multitude of shouting voices.

all you felt were the cool tiles on the kitchen floor beneath your thighs and the hard wall behind your head before you felt a familiar hand grab your face.

“y/n are you okay? god, please tell me you’re okay.” ellie’s voice fell into your ears clearly, her soft thumb coming up to wipe the tears that began to spill from your eyes. you couldn’t form any words; you just reached out to grab her as tightly as you could.

feeling her skin on yours felt like a breath of fresh air, drowning out all your doubts knowing she was here and with you.

“i’m so sorry. i’m so fucking sorry.” you cried into her shirt, bunching some of her flannel into your bloody fist as you clawed at her back while you sobbed. “it’s not your fault.” ellie pulled your face back to look at you.

with your eyes finally coming into focus, you took in the multiple cuts and bruises scattered across her pretty face. her lip had a large gash on the side, along with her temple and cheek.

“don’t worry, he looks a whole lot worse.” she joked, trying to ease your visible worry. you laughed at her ability to joke at a time like this.

she wasn’t far off when she said you thought she was funny…

you grazed her wounds softly, not wanting to hurt her even more than she already was. "well, that’s good. i’d have to chase after him again if he weren’t,” you teased, your hand coming down to interlock with hers, which rested on your thigh.

you sat in silence, not knowing what to say. your house sounded a lot quieter; the only sound were voices coming in from outside and the humming of cars driving off.

“didn’t know you had that strength in you, pretty girl. where was all that when we were helping joel move boxes huh?” ellie joked yet again, making you roll your eyes.

“shut up.” you groaned before kissing her, doing your best to not hurt the cut on her lip. she kissed you back as if the cut were nonexistent, grabbing your waist under your battered shirt to pull you closer to her.

your knees came to rest on either side of one of her legs, letting yourself hover above her as you disconnected your lips from hers. this time, she just looked at you, waiting for you to speak.

“so… should we make his words come true?” you questioned her, toying with one of the buttons on her shirt. ellie looked at you quizzically, unsure of what you were implying.

you just grabbed her face for what felt like the thousandth time and kissed her quickly. “you’re so fucking cute.” you giggled at her, still confused. she grabbed your wrist, “trying” to pull your hands off her face.

“do you want to be my girlfriend?” you asked, ridded of any anxieties or doubts. she instantly erupted into giggles, pulling you into her and hugging you as tight as she could without bothering her hurt side.

“to think i had this whole plan to ask you out, and here you are asking me if i want to be your girlfriend after i just fought for your love.” ellie joked, rubbing your sides firmly as you pulled away and looked at her with nothing but shock.

“a plan? now you have to tell me, els.” you tilted your head to peer at her through squinted lids. she just shook her head and grazed one of her hands up your back to rest behind your head and rake through your hair.

“maybe tomorrow..." she drawled before connecting your lips once again, a content sigh leaving both of your lips in satisfaction.

“yeah, the explanation can wait.” you breathed, locking your lips with hers again.

notes first ellie and tlou fic AHHHH!!! i’ve wanted to write some ellie works for a long time but just haven’t had any inspo until recent hehe so here that. sorry it’s so long and not my best work, i just love this song w her and my ellie obsession has hit an all time High recently lol. anyway i hope you enjoyed!!<33

[redxx95]

Exploring Kurosawa's internalized homophobia and compulsive heteronormativity

oh yea baby we bustin out the Big Words for this one 😎

This was supposed to be posted at the end of pride month but Life happened and it got delayed a lot 😩 So yea happy pride month (and happy birthday Kurosawa I guess 😂)

(btw I think I've never mentioned this on any of my other posts but english is not my first language, so if anything I write ever sounds awkward, that's probably why 😅) (also I had to merge a bunch of images to get around the image limit, this post is really long, the word count is at 1930 words 💀)

Hope you guys enjoy the read! 💞

Spoilers for anything up to vol 11

Let me start this by saying that there's no actual textual evidence of Kurosawa being gay (rather than bi/pan), so this interpretation is definitely veering towards headcanon territory. I'm also not trying to establish this as the only Correct opinion and anyone is of course allowed to have their own sexuality headcanons, this is very healthy and valid 👍

Kurosawa's internalized homophobia

The first scene I want to put under a magnifying glass is this one.

Let's examine what's going on here: Kurosawa has just tried to kiss Adachi, whose hesitation he perceived as disgust. Then he pretends it was disgusting for him too, because he thinks that is the average reaction anyone would have, extending this to Adachi as well. The way he says "who'd be into that?" is already lowkey homophobic, but the japanese line makes it even more evident: "普通嫌だよな" (= "Normally, you'd dislike that right?"). Keyword here being "普通" = "normal, ordinary", implying that anyone who would like that is abnormal. So what does that say about him then, who was so happy to get the chance to kiss another man? This is pretty much textbook internalized homophobia, where he has accepted what he perceives to be the general opinion on gay people and has made those values his own, hating himself for it (albeit only briefly here), which is why he internally apologizes to Adachi.

This is not the only instance of him feeling like that, although this next part is slightly more speculative than the more obvious example above.

So we all know that Kurosawa is a jealous, jealous man. It's one of his defining character traits and it's often the source of conflict and comedy alike. But he does not express his jealousy equally across genders. With men he has this strong rivalry where he needs to prove himself better and more worthy of Adachi's attention.

But with women he has a different approach: gently coaxing them away from him, lest they realize what a catch Adachi really is.

So, why this difference? The answer I have is that he doesn't actually believe he can compete with a woman. If Adachi wants to be close with a man, Kurosawa thinks it might as well be him, he's the best option after all. But if Adachi wants a woman, he cannot offer anything and is therefore the inferior option. He believes this even after he found out Adachi's not completely repulsed at the idea of being with a man. Even if Adachi's okay with men, he'll always prefer a woman.

And whenever he imagines anyone else with Adachi, it's always a woman, specifically Fujisaki, which he believes is "his type".

And he at least thinks he's very far away from that ideal. (He's not but that's a topic for a different essay.) If anyone's wondering why he even bothers at all then if he's so sure that a woman will out-compete him, I think the lyrics from the anime opening actually put it best, specifically the last verse:

I have these impatient feelings I doubt this love will come to fruition But still I can't give up this happiness There's a feeling here I can't resist A love like a castle in the sky

So basically, his plan is that he might as well ride the high of his first ever crush as far as it will go, intercepting where he can to prolong it just that little bit further, until it all inevitably comes to an end. (a castle in the sky = an unreachable dream) This plan kind of fluctuates throughout volumes 1-3 as Adachi gives him a bunch of mixed signals, but it holds true most of the time.

Adachi's side

Now I'd like to highlight the way Adachi actually thinks about their relationship, because it serves as a great contrast to Kurosawa's assumptions about him.

Throughout the first three volumes we see him grapple with his newfound feelings for Kurosawa, but he (almost) never puts his gender at the forefront of his musings. The manga makes it very clear that it's his lack of romantic experience and low self esteem that make it hard for him to accept Kurosawa's affections, and not the fact that he's a man.

This second page here being his own little gay awakening, where he realizes that he is not, in fact, disgusted by intimacy with a man.

It's also worth mentioning that when he later introduces Kurosawa to his parents (ch 41), they are immediately welcoming of him, suggesting he grew up in a very tolerant environment.

And it's not like he's completely unaware of heteronormativity/homophobia either, especially after he does his research in vol 8, but he is slightly more defiant in responding to it.

(I love how he just buys that bag he probably doesn't need that's supposed to come with all the wedding magazines, just as this very tiny act of rebellion.)

So now that we can see how different Kurosawa's thought patterns are compared to Adachi's, the next question we should ask ourselves is: Why is he like that?

Heteronormativity in Kurosawa's life

(yes we're finally getting to the comphet part of the essay 😂)

First let's look at the environment he grew up in. There are not many scenes with his family, but from those that we do have, we can at least make some assumptions about how he must've been raised.

His mother is clearly the authority figure in his life, judging by how she's described as "strong" and how terrified he is at her merely setting down a teacup (while Adachi has a more mild reaction). Her reaction to the news of them dating and Kurosawa expecting his parents to go as far as disowning him for it would suggest that she might just be generally homophobic.

But when they actually go meet her we see this slightly more nuanced perspective.

She's not entirely against it, but she does believe they are making a mistake by choosing to be together, hence why she thinks they might "regret it". There's many hardships that gay couples in Japan face, some of which we even see discussed in the manga, so it's not hard to see why she would be concerned for her son. The way she talks about Kurosawa never causing any problems, but "changing" ever since he fell for Adachi further supports that conformity is what she believes will ultimately lead to a successful, happy life. And that's also why she accepts Adachi later, when he's made it abundantly clear in his speech that they are happier in this non-conforming relationship than they were without it.

To contrast, her other child Mari is shown to have a very progressive stance (see: her pep talk in ch 47) and it would not surprise me if that is the reason she's rarely in japan and is never seen together with her family, save for the one time they're all at the wedding. She might find the conforming environment too restrictive and preferring to keep her distance. (shoutout to naina for this bit 🙏)

So that's Kurosawa's family situation. Now let's check how his social circle holds up.

From what we see of his friends, they never even seem to consider him possibly being with a man.

And his work environment seems rather toxic to say the least.

It clearly dictates traditional gender roles as the ideal. Nobody except Fujisaki even clocks any of Kurosawa's advances on Adachi as romantic in nature, even though he seems to be quite obvious about it (see: ch 34.5). And it's not like dating in general is discouraged at Toyokawa either, as we can see from all the women constantly vying for Kurosawa's attention.

From all this we can conclude that Kurosawa's upbringing and social/work environment is painfully heteronormative and until he falls for Adachi it seems he never questioned the status quo either.

The famous onsen scene, while funny, also reveals the sad truth that Kurosawa, in his 30 years of life, probably never even had the chance to explore his sexual orientation, rather focusing on being "perfect" in his straight relationships.

Speaking of those relationships...

He apparently had a bunch of girlfriends, who all seem to have dumped him pretty early on. His mother's surprise at him expressing a willingness to commit also makes me think he's never brought anyone home either. He also only seems to have a surface level understanding of what a proper relationship is supposed to entail, if his idea of an ideal date is just "what the average person" thinks is romantic. So why were all of his relationships so short-lived? Before I answer that...

Intermission: Kurosawa's smiles

It has come to my attention that this is not common knowledge, so let me explain: There's a way to tell apart Kurosawa's fake smiles from his real ones, without any context clues, just purely visually.

Real smiles: (ch 23, 24, 37)

Fake smiles: (ch 5, 13, 32)

The difference being very simple: Blush = real, no blush = fake 👍 And before anyone mentions it: No he doesn't just blush when he's around Adachi, that last fake smile is actually directed at him. (ch 32)

Edit from the future: This holds true like 90% of the time, but as Toyota's art style becomes more detailed, this doesn't apply as much in the newer volumes. I think there's also new details added that I haven't quite figured out yet so take this bit with a grain of salt. (The images below are still from her early art style though.)

So now that we have this additional knowledge, let's take a look at every instance Kurosawa is paired with a woman.

He's smiling in all of these. Not a single one has a real smile in it though.

I think he's never actually had his heart in any of his relationships, and the girls probably noticed it and that's why they dumped him.

And, of course, the first time he actually falls in love...

... just so happens to be with a man.

Even his friends comment on this, who have known him since high school.

It's almost funny how perfectly this aligns with real life gay people. Having numerous, short-lived relationships with people of the "wrong" gender is one of the more common traits of compulsive heteronormativity. (source: me oof) (but also shoutout to the "Am I a lesbian?" masterdoc, google it if you don't know, it's truly eye-opening)

After dating Adachi

So we have already established that he's far happier when he does finally get to date Adachi, but do any of his other thought patterns change?

Honestly it seems like he throws every single reservation about being seen as gay out the window.

He starts bragging like crazy about his new relationship to anyone willing (and unwilling) to listen, he has no qualms about PDA, he marks Adachi up and down so everyone knows he's taken and the only thing stopping him from proclaiming his love for Adachi to the whole world is the still very much existing societal homophobia. But he is a lot more easy-going about it now than he ever was before.

And I think the best way to describe this mental shift is, hear me out, the date song from volume 4...

... specifically the last 2 verses as a whole, and this section in particular:

"I won't let anyone divide our fraction! You couldn't pry this thrill from my hands when they're cold and dead!"

Horrible lyrics aside, this perfectly encapsulates how Kurosawa simply couldn't care less anymore now that he finally has what he's wanted for more than a year, maybe even his whole life. All the societal pressure pales in comparison to the sheer euphoria he feels at finally having someone that he loves and who loves him back just as strongly, feeling cared for and seen like no one else ever did.

And, you know, just happens to be a man. 🏳️‍🌈

[canonizzyhours]

I'm a professional screenwriter. I know nobody reading this has any reason to believe that, and I work pretty hard to keep my fandom activity separate from my professional identity, so I'm not going to offer any proof that would doxx me here, believe me or don't. But it's true and I don't just mean I'm trying to get hired as a screenwriter, I mean I am pretty well established in the industry and I've worked on some stuff big enough you've probably heard of it. I've also been active in OFMD fandom for about two years now, since nearly the beginning.

The canyon really freaks me out because seeing it up close makes me worried I've drastically underestimated audiences' empathy gap around characters of color and tendency to sympathize with and excuse the actions of white characters. I've always tried to be conscious about that sort of thing in my work but now that I'm seeing the whole process up close it's so much worse than I always thought.

I think a lot about what I would have done during season 1 of OFMD, if I were in the writers' room and I'd wanted to make sure it would be clear to the audience that Izzy was Ed's abuser and wasn't acting out of secretly sympathetic motives and we're supposed to be genuinely horrified by his actions. I'm in writers' rooms workshopping issues like this all the time. I know the kinds of suggestions I'd make.

Like, if we were worried that the audience would think Izzy's hostility toward Stede was about class instead of homophobia, I might have suggested we make sure Izzy's dialogue never has any reference to Stede's class at all, and that we might do a subplot in one episode where Izzy is equally hostile toward Lucius, since Lucius clearly isn't rich but is extremely gay. But that already happened, and it didn't help.

If I wanted to make sure the audience understood that Izzy is bossing the crew around and screaming at everyone to work harder because he's a petty little bully on a power trip and not because the work actually needs to get done, I might have suggested a scene where Izzy deliberately makes a mess on purpose just so he can order the crew to clean it up. But that already happened, and it didn't help.

If I wanted to make it clear that Izzy has always been awful toward everyone around him -- especially his colleagues of color -- since long before the show started, I might have suggested we repeatedly emphasize throughout the season that while Fang is willing to work with him, he doesn't like or respect Izzy and this is because Izzy has always treated Fang very badly. Have him pull on Fang's beard for no reason and have Fang explicitly say he hates that but knows it wouldn't help to complain. Have Fang tell strangers jokes about times Izzy humiliated himself in public. Have a scene where everybody unanimously VOTES TO MURDER IZZY and someone explicitly stops to ask Fang if he's cool with this and Fang explicitly says yes this is absolutely fine with me and then he actively participates in the murder plan while smiling. But all of that happened and I still see the canyon insisting that Izzy was a much nicer person before the events of s2 when he wasn't under so much stress and has always been liked and respected by the PoC around him, including specifically Fang!

If I were worried that the audience might take seriously the idea that Izzy is motivated by "loyalty to your captain" -- well, honestly I don't think it ever would have occurred to me to worry about that, since he says that in a scene where he's in the middle betraying his captain and I'd probably assume people are capable of picking that up and understanding that when someone says they're abusing you for your own good you should not believe them. But if someone else insisted we address the concern, suggestions I'd make would include: make sure some of the first interactions we see between Ed and Izzy involve Izzy complaining about how he doesn't want to do the job Ed just gave him, then half-assing the mission and lying to Ed's face about it. Show Izzy deliberately undermining Ed to the crew by telling them he's half-insane, then insist to Ed that he's the only one keeping the crew loyal when they're worried about his judgment. But they did that stuff and we still have people thinking Izzy's central motivation throughout season 1 is selfless devotion to Ed.

The show did every single thing I would have suggested, and none of it worked. So what does it say about all the stuff I've already worked on, whenever I've written a scene where a white guy was being a dick to characters of color? Have I just been embarrassingly naive this whole time? Have I undermined my own work by not getting this?

You can't control audience reactions, I know that, that's part of what's great about art, you have to let go and accept that people will interpret things in ways you never intended, I get it. But if it's THIS impossible to choose words that will create the kind of feelings you meant to, what's the point? Is it even possible to write about the kind of abusive relationship Ed and Izzy have, where the white guy thinks he's entitled to control a brown man's life "for his own good" and that the brown guy is obligated to be grateful and reciprocate his "love" and not have a huge group of people creating elaborate justifications for the white guy? What else could they have done? What else can I do, when I'm writing about characters of color? I'm seriously asking. If anybody reading this has advice I want to hear it. What could I do?

#408.

[teamfreewill2pointo]

Tumblr won't let me share the audio clip of Misha answering the last question from Crossroads, so here's a transcript.

[Fan] Um, it's kind of about Destiel so - [Misha] Perfect last question really

[Fan]So there's a show called 911 and - It's about firefighters and it's been going on for about seven seasons now. And recently in seven seasons it moved networks from Fox to ABC. And um, one of the main characters, he's a man named Buck and- he kissed another man and it's been said that by the actor who plays Buck on the previous network Fox, they wouldn't have been able to do that. So when they moved, they thought, okay, we can do it now because it's on a different network. So my question is, do you think if Supernatural had a new networks earlier on, or if the show was made later something like this could have happened between Dean and Cas? [Misha] If think that if the CW- [Fan 2] Fuck them! [Misha] had not been- Had not been so homophobic- [Audience cheers] [Misha] Dean and Cas would have been balls deep. [Audience cheers] [Rob] I think you just made a headline. [Audience cheers and laughs]

[Misha] I will tell you- I will answer that question um- in- in part earnest. I, I think that there's been a sea change in culture um broadly. When I joined Supernatural and- and- Destiel became this very like hush-hush thing on the internet that we weren't even supposed to talk about. Um, there was no way on God's green earth that anything like it, uh, a consummation of that kind of relationship would make it to the screen on our show. And by the end of the series, we had lasted for so long that the culture had changed and there had become an acceptance of the possibility that that kind of, like, Declaration of Love could happen. Um, I- I- I mean... When I was growing up, um, we used the word f*g as a filler all the time. It was like, just want to insult one another, and f*g, homo, like, that's what everyone was saying in elementary school. My kids see two dads or two moms dropping their peers off at school and it does not faze them at all. And there's none of that language in their schools. Now, I know that [Audience claps and I can't understand a few words due to clapping] we're decades away from eliminating homophobia in our society. But we've come so far and so I think the answer to your question is, yes, like had to show happened later on and had another 10 years to evolve who- who knows what could've happened. Um, I think that there would have been a lot more representation on the show, in general. We would have had more female directors. We would have had more female leads on the show. We would have had more people of color. A lot of things would have been different on the show, um, if it had just been 10 years later. Um, and there- and of course, like you know, the pendulum always swings. There's always a reaction to Evolution and, you know, in our country, we have the far right emerging and Neo-Nazis like, honestly taking, you know, like, seats of power and potentially, you know, for a second time, the presidency. It's- It's a pretty scary time.

[Rob] Book burning happening, you know? [Misha] What's that? [Rob] And book burning happening. [Misha] Yeah [Rob] You know, watching the show too- watching the rewatch podcast that I do with Rich, like- [Cheers] You see how much things have changed. There are certain things in the show where like, oh, then you wouldn't do that now. You know? [Rob] Like they use the word bitch all the time in the show and it's like- eugh- a little cringy, right? You know. [Misha] Yeah. Um, a lot of- there were a lot of things that we did that I don't think would stand the test of time at all now. But, um, we try to be better. [Rob] Also, I would just say, like, one thing I love about these rooms that this- this, um, family that we're here, in the Supernatural family, is like everybody is welcome and everybody's okay whoever you are, whatever you are, however you are- like, it's this is a safe space.

ETA: so it turns out that the enforcement at Starfury is different than the rules at jibcon or CE and I will not be sharing the audio clip. Jibcon officially has a no recording rule, which almost everyone in fandom ignores. Starfury is different.

[sleepyangelkami]

PASTORS DAUGHTER I e.williams

 ☆ WORD COUNT - 5.8K

ELLIE WILLIAMS X FEM!READER

 ☆ SUMMARY - ellie williams had always been best friends with the pastors daughter, the rebel who went against every single thing her mother and father told her to. Ellie knew this, she was used to this. However, what she wasn't used to, what she seemed to never understand was her little sister. She never crossed a line, adored anything and everything thrown in her clutch, never made her mother or father frown and wore a pretty silver cross around her neck. ellie williams wanted nothing more than to rip it off and have the pasters daughter whimpering beneath her. she didn't know a little lust could create this mess.

 ☆ WARNINGS - intended lower case, implied smut, suggestive themes, innocence kink, size kink?, argument with parents, yelling, homophobia, religious 'trauma'?, slow burn, use of y/n, sisters best friend trope lmao. I don't know much about rules or whatever in religion but we're not gathered here to read about jesus because we worship ellie williams!!!

series masterlist

ash/ashley = older sister btw!

ellie williams still remembered the exact moment she laid eyes on you, y/n l/n, her best friends little sister. It was christmas and ashley had dragged her to this stupid holy party, it was the church that was organising it so it was mandatory that ashley be there to celebrate the birth of jesus alongside her father who had done the mass. she had done everything in her power not to be there but her parents had enough of her scandals and 'shaming' the family name. she forced her to come with the simple permission that she would be allowed to bring a plus one, as if the whole town weren't already coming. ellie remembered laughing in her face earlier that night, stating that she should have a good time by herself but by no means would the girl be joining her.

and yet there she stood at one of the back walls of the church.

she pulled her flannel closer to her figure, ignoring the way the winter air continuously made her shiver. she watched as ashley conversed with an older couple, and with everything in her ellie attempted not to burst out laughing at how out of place she looked. her parents had forced her to converse with the guests, stating it would be rude if she had ignored them and ellie simply waved her off stating she'd be fine against one of the walls. ellie williams knew the pastor and his wife hated her already so who was she to keep them waiting? she simply held a snarky grin with a quick 'father and mrs. l/n.' as a greeting.

"if you're cold, we have hot coco."

the sound of a girl's voice almost made ellie williams fall over, however, she stabilized herself against the teal wall behind her with chipped paint. "what?" no doubt her voice had come out much ruder than intended due to the fright she had gotten.

but then she turned and she saw it. she saw you. you were dressed in a little red dress, ultimately a lot more festive than she. your hair was pinned back but not all of it, a lot still sat at your shoulders, almost covering that pretty silver chain you wore, a holy cross pendant on it. it didn't take ellie much after that, your sweet tone, your mary jane shoes, the way your fingers fiddled with one another in slight worry. she knew then and there she had to absolutely ruin you. "well, i just meant that if you wanted to get a little warmer, we're giving out hot coco over there b-but you don't have to." suddenly your voice was quieter, much more anxiety filled in it as you worried you may have upset the girl, your father was always telling you how you spoke too much.

and as apologetic as ellie was, as she wanted nothing more than to instantly let an apology tumble from her lips, instantly state that you were not the reason she was using such a tone, that it was merely the fact she hated everything in this goddamn church, she was interrupted before she could utter a word. "well, i see you've met the prize possession of the family." ellie whipped around to see ashley practically by her side, leaning against one of the old wooden chairs. "ellie meet y/n, my little sister, and y/n this is ellie." little sister? ellie had heard all about you. about how you were practically a pastor yourself, how you devoted your very life to god, got at least nineties in every single test, how you outshone ashley l/n in just about everything you did and yet somehow she loved you more than anything in the world.

and of course you had heard about ellie williams, how could you not have? she was a delinquent. if you hadn't heard about all of ellie and ashley's amazing adventures, filled with alcohol and ciagrette's, you would have known her from school. of course, she'd never notice a girl like you, in a grade below her, head always down in the hallways and clutching your bag as if it were a safety net. but ellie williams, everyone knew ellie williams. she was either beating up some kid who 'deserved it' or snapping at a teacher with a raised voice. nonetheless, you always steered clear of the girl. your parents had a morbid distaste to the girl, you knew that much and yet every time she came knocking at the door, she was allowed into the house instantly and appointed up to your older sisters bedroom. everytime she had been there you were either at choir, an after school club or sitting out in the backyard, maybe once or twice in the living room. whatever the case, she was in the house, grabbing your sister and back out of there, she never had time to stick around and meet you.

ellie's sage eyes sunk down to your silky thighs and how your puffed out red dress flowed around them perfectly, then her eyes racked up to where your chest was, completely covered by the red fabric, she couldn't help but wonder what you wore underneath. however, you were her best friends sister, that certainly... complicated things. she was brought back to life at the sight of your shiny silver cross. "nice to meet you, y/n, heard a lot about you." and suddenly the two girls giggled as if it were an inside joke. you hated being the joke.

your doe eyes turned up at your sister, worry stricken features. "she's fuckin' with you, y/n/n." nickname tumbling from her lips easily as she spun around to face ellie, her arm being tossed over your shoulder. ashley was slightly shorter than ellie, however, you were a great deal shorter than your sister. it made ellie wonder just how bigger she was. she wondered how her hands would fit in your own, pinning you down, how they'd caress and squish your pudgy thighs together. she wondered how small you'd look beneath her. suddenly, she was thinking of every sound you could possibly make and god she tried hard not to show it on her face.

her dirty thoughts were cut short with the sound of your name being spoke briskly yet swiftly, a hint of authority in the sharp tone. you snapped your head to the side to see an awaiting mother of yours, standing with two candle sticks. "what's up her ass now?" ashley questioned, giving her mother a strange look. it was no secret that the girl simply found her own parents insufferable. and even with her tone, you managed to ignore her crude words especially in the 'house of god', you were very much used to your sisters language. (not that you approved)

you swallowed briefly. "i promised daddy i'd light the candles for 'em." and yet you yawned as you spoke, hand coming up to rub at your eye. you were tired. and while everything in ellie was fighting with her to all but coo at your tired face she couldn't deny the way she swallowed harshly at the sound of the word 'daddy' tumbling from your lips. you were so fucking innocent. the brunette girl was rolling up her sleeves, puffing out air and fawning that the weather had taken a certain change as if she weren't completely hot by her own corrupt mind. but how could she not? when your white stockings stood out so prominently and your fingers wound together, despite the two little thin silver rings, one with a butterfly the other with the smallest of hearts with a little pink stone. you turned back to ellie, eyes boring into her own sage green ones. the moon, the stars and even the light snow that had begun falling did everything in their might to tear your eyes from her and yet you just stared. "uhm— it was really nice to meet you, ellie, i hope to see you around more often." noticing the impatient look in your devil like mothers eyes.

"you too, sweetheart." it just came out.

eyes wide from all you, ashley and ellie. belive it or not, but the girl had surprised even herself. with blushing cheeks and secretive eyes you shared the pair one last glance before rushing off. ellie williams did nothing but stare. she stared at the way your hair bounced off your back, the way your dress lifted up as you walked with a pep in your step, attempting to get as close to your mother as fast as humanly possible. she stared. dazed. "dude. what?" ashley practically shoved ellie to get her attention, a confused look on her face as she raised a brow.

"is your sister gay?"

"shut the fuck up."

gay? you? the most religious girl in the whole town? it was a funny assumption, something that ashley could only deem humorous. and while ellie laughed along with the girl, fixing her sleeves with a grin on her face, she couldn't deny the way her eyes drifted back to you, a wide smile etched to your own face, smiling from ear to ear at one of the younger boys who was asking you a question about something religion related. ellie williams hated nothing more than people preaching and preaching about a god she didn't care an ounce for, but for you... for you she thought she may just listen until your dripping words went dry.

that was the night that ellie williams set eyes for y/n l/n and never looked back.

you couldn't deny your own infatuation for the girl yourself. you began to notice the days she came over, how she began to linger in your house, spend dinner with your strange family, how she began to sleep over at least twice a week. you brushed it off for simple admiration, almost envy. you were a girl who was simply caught in the bubble, there you were safe. but something about ellie was so... dangerous, enduring. she lived freely, with a grin in her face wherever she went, she cockily spoke in front of a crowd, one in which she could easily point out your eyes.

she was in another squabble with one of the teachers. it was the male physical education teachers who wore the very same pair of tracksuit end shorts every day. you had merely been a bypasser, books clutched to your chest tightly as you ignored absolutely everything around you. you often tuned yourself out in school, it was the only realistic way to get by. you recited a quote from a book in which you had read that previous night. if you were being honest, you hadn't even noticed the commotion in the hallway, until, that was, a sound of a voice rung out. "y/n." your head snapping towards ellie who had teachers surrounding her, a disappointed look on all their faces, some kids videoed the interactions, others laughed, most kids stopped to see what was going on at least. her greeting had caught you off guard. "how ya doin'?" a grin planted on her lips as she bent her head down at you. your eyes were as wide as saucers as random looks were thrown your way by teenagers you had never even met. it was no secret that y/n l/n was the 'good girl' of the school, how couldn't she be when she spent every day inside a chapel, she was laughable. some kid's brows furrowed and suddenly you could hear everyone whisper your name in confusion to one another. Mr. Lionel, the english teacher and your personal favourite of the school, grasped ellie's arm and attempted to shove her into the classroom they were standing out of. you watched with wide eyes as he slammed the door shut. "you can't legally do that!" you heard the muffled shout of ellie williams who was undoubtedly speaking of the fact the teacher put his hands on her without so much as asking.

you whipped around, ignoring the varying stares and hard gazes, head bound downwards.

but that didn't mean that you were necessarily ashamed to know ellie williams let alone have befriended her, no, you were beyond proud. "you're so cool." you admired in a dazed state.

"aren't I just?" your sister boasted as she showed off her black nails. she glanced over at you, your head resting in your arms that rested on the table, simply watching her in admiration. "you know, you could always come with us." she was meeting with ellie and going to another party. it was a wonder if your parents knew and just decided to ignore it.

your brows raised so high they almost reached your hairline. "me? a party?" giggling as your own sister rolled her eyes with a grin on her face, the idea did sound stupid now that she thought back on it.

"true." pocketing the black nailpolish. "run along i'm sure you have just about everything to do in that shitty little church."

your smile faltered but you fixed it instantly, not wishing to ruin the mood. this was your problem, you were too damn emotional. "tell ellie i said hi." as you stood from the kitchen table, grasping a hold of your small white handbag, you truly did have things to be doing.

"i will." smiling up at you. "see you later, y/n/n." you bid your goodbye then with the tiniest of simpers but as soon as you shut the front door with a small frown etched to your face.

you loved being so involved in your religion, you did, but it was times like this that you truly hated it. you wanted to go out with ellie and ashley. you wanted to make friends, you wanted people not to be scared of getting too close to you seeing as you were just too involved with your religion, you wanted a life that didn't revolve around the church you seemingly always found yourself in.

"you're so fucking stupid!" giggling wildly as she laid her back against the bed, long hair falling down beneath her face.

"you would have done the exact same thing!" ellie defended with an accusing finger being pointed at ashley who was much higher than her.

steam filled the room so much so that ellie could see how condensation was building up on the windows of ashley's bedroom. "i would have ran in the opposite direction, are you kidding me?" flipping over so she was laying on her stomach, laughing at her best friend who was sat with her legs crossed across from her. ellie liked having a best friend that was straight, this way no feelings ever got muddled up. besides, ellie would rant all she pleased about girls and ashley could only do it ten times more about the boys she's been with. then again, it was sad that they'd never get to see the preacher and his wife's face when they said that one of their daughters was gay. they'd often make jokes about how if ellie was a l/n she would have been disowned by now, ellie thanked the moon and stars that joel miller couldn't care less about jesus. the sound of a door opening from downstairs caused the girls to freeze. "shit!"

"ashley!" ellie complained as they both jumped up, slamming the windows open and doing everything in their will to get the goddamn smell out. "you said they had church duty until eight." if mr or mrs. l/n found ashley and ellie smoking weed in their house, there was absolutely no telling how bad this would go.

"they do!" she argued, pulling her sleeve down her arm so she could wipe away the condensation from the window. ellie pushed imaginary air out the window as if it were doing anything. they were still much too high for any of this. it was what hotboxing did to you. filling the room with smoke so you could get even more high, now thinking about it, it was sort of a stupid idea. the sound of footsteps growing nearer caused the girl's heart rate to speed up by a thousand. "shit, shit, shit."

the door knob twisted and ellie and ashley plopped onto the bed, ashley with the joint behind her back. "ash, do you ha-" you stopped mid sentence, mid opening the door, mid walking right in. your face cringed. "what's that smell?" not bothering to ask your sister before picking up her can of vanilla air freshener in which you had gifted her after stating her room had smelled as though she let a skunk inside a couple of weeks ago.

the girls sighed, deflating in relaxation as ashley pulled the joint out from behind her back. "weed." taking a drag of it to ease her previous nerves.

"oh." you tilted your head, watching the two girls sitting on the bed. ashley passed the joint to ellie who instantly took a drag. their hair was dishevelled and tousled, both their hoodies discarded and eyes red as ever, pupils blown large. "is that why you look like you're crying?" ashley nodded. "oh."

ellie took a long drag from the joint, looking your frame up and down. you were dressed in a summers dress, her favourite, it was white with little lilac flowers littered around the fabric, a woollen purple cardigan hanging over your frame too. her eyes moved down to your thighs, you seemed to notice and did something that made ellie almost groan. you squeezed them together, clearing your throat. instead, she smirked, poor baby, you didn't even know what was wrong. ellie knew the feeling well, it was the same feeling that left her in her bedroom on many nights with her hand between her legs, the image of you caught in her mind.

"thought you were at church with mom and dad." the church had a thousand events for the community a week and you were always there but this time, you shook your head.

"me, ruth and maxine went to the movies." you moved so you could open up your sisters wardrobe, she made no attempt to argue.

"ruth and maxine? those girls you were talking to in school?" you nodded, picking at her unfolded clothes. ruth and maxine were two known lesbians, it was a wonder how your parents let you hang out with them, there was only one solution to the question, they didn't know.

"whatcha lookin' for, sweetheart?" passing the joint to ashley. the girl was used to ellie's nicknames for you, she learned to tune herself out. ellie leaned forward, elbows to her knees to crane her neck in attempts to glance into the wardrobe. half the clothing were her own, she may be some use, she may not.

your cheeks reddened at the petname. "ash took my yellow shirt." sending a playful glare towards her sister who simply blew smoke out, rolling her eyes. ellie assumed it was the one you adored more than anything, tight short sleeved light yellow and always clinging to your body. yeah, ellie couldn't forget something that looked that good on you.

"i know how you feel, ashley's always stealing my clothes too." an accusing glare being sent her way.

ashley threw her hands in the air. "why are we hating on me right now?" ellie sent you a glance with brows raised that had a small giggle falling from your lips. "and y/n/n i'm pretty sure i left it at sofia's house." you turned to give her an unamused look. "i'll get it back, promise."

you nodded and began picking up the few articles of clothing you had left drop. you folded them before adding them on top because unlike your sister, you wanted her room to be clean. you picked up one of the larger shirts and flipped it around. "this is so cool!" it was a dark grey shirt that looked much too big to fit you and had a skeleton design to make it look as though someone was looking inside your chest and stomach.

ellie turned her head up to look at it. "oh, that's mine." she stated, realising that it was her shirt that she had left too many sleepovers ago. she bit down on her bottom lip watching the way you seemed in awe of her clothing. "you can have it."

your eyes went wide, biting down on your bottom lip. "oh, no i can't take it." suddenly feeling a little embarrassed, you didn't wish to steal her clothing.

"no, seriously, ashley takes my clothes all the time." again, ashley rolled her eyes. "seriously, i don't wear it anymore." truth be told, she couldn't remember the last time she had even seen that shirt.

"are— are you sure?" you mumbled behind the fabric. you really did like the shirt.

ellie didn't stay over that night, joel had stated that he wanted another movie night and who was she to refuse? however, she did decide that the next night would certainly be spent at the l/n household. joel approved, somewhat. he had met ashley a too many times to count and he truly did like her, he thought that she and ashley were very alike and he liked that. he didn't care for the l/n family, not the mother and father at least, he had heard many stories of what they were like from ashley and that was certainly enough to keep him away. however, on the times that he went to gatherings or even mass like on christmas, when he felt obliged to, he saw you, y/n l/n and every time he questioned ellie why she didn't bring you over to the house. she always stated that you guys simply 'weren't like that' but your excited grin and wave when she entered the church spoke something else.

she brought her hand up to the white door, knocking softly while kicking around dust with her shoe. she always covered her tattoo at your house, it was one thing to get a tattoo at sixteen in front of joe miller who really couldn't care less but even at her age now, she wouldn't be caught dead showing it to your parents, she knew how much they disliked her already.

the door swung open to reveal a distressed looking ashley. "oh, thank god you're here." practically pulling ellie in the door, she made a noise of complaint at the abruptness. "this house is officially fucking scaring me."

ellie bent down slightly to her friend. "what's going on?" whispering, seeing as she had noticed how ashley had done the same.

"mom and dad have finally lost it, that's what going on." she stopped ellie in front of the stairs, where they could barely peek into the living room where the whole scene was unfolding.

"but that's not fair!" you were sat on the couch, your parents standing tall in front of you, intimidating you. your eyes rung red, lashes wet and cheeks tear stained. "t-they're my friends!" blubbering out through your feeble cries. ellie's brows furrowed and her eyes softened at the sight of you so upset. you were a bubbly girl, always obliging to everything and here you were feebly trying to defend whatever you were working against, it seemed to be failing tremendously.

"you have never spoken back to us like this." your father stated in a disappointed tone that made your gut twist. "whether you can see it or not, these 'friends' are changing you. they're a bad influence!" you scoffed, turning your face away from them as you roughly wiped your tear stained cheeks. you felt pathetic, crying in front of them and for something so utterly stupid. ellie watched with a sad frown etched to her face watching as you sunk into the couch, you looked so... small.

"don't give us that attitude!" your mother yelled upon seeing you scoff.

you gave them desperate, pleading eyes. "i didn't say anything." voice breaking as if you finally began to give up, you always did with your parents.

"do you know how much your father does for you?" your mother was not as tall as your father but certainly just as scary. "and for you to throw it away like that! do you know what would have happened if someone saw you there?!" she was getting in your face, much too close for a parent.

ashley tugged on ellie's arm, leading her up the stairs while ellie's eyes stayed strained on you until you were finally out of view. "they were driving through town today." ellie nodded, listening to every word hanging from ashley's lips. "and they ran into y/n with her new friends, ruth and maxine."

ellie's brows furrowed in confusion. "i thought your parents were okay with them."

"yeah they were." she opened the door to her bedroom. "until they found out they were gay." ellie's look went cold. they didn't know she herself was gay but that didn't matter because ashley had tarnished the name already, they wouldn't care if she was friends with ellie, it was simply the fact that it was y/n l/n their precious bead and they simply couldn't afford another 'screw up'.

ellie bit down on her bottom lip, cracking her knuckles. "what fucking tools." her brows were tied together, a burning feeling buried inside her chest. "should we say something?" as if your parents would ever hear the girl out.

ashley simply shook her head. "would just make it worse. for us and for her." ellie nodded her head despite the way she bit down on her bottom lip, taking a seat on the bed. "look, don't worry about it, ellie." she took a seat next to her friend. "the worst they can do is kick her into the bedroom and make her pray herself to sleep." a small chuckle falling from her lips, she knew her sister and her parents well, yes, they were hard on her but they'd never do anything to hurt her. "she'll be okay." ellie nodded once more, sitting herself back on the pillows and flicking through the dvd's in which ashley had left out on the bed, ready to pick one. it seemed as though the girl was contemplating something but ellie paid no mind. maybe she should have, she may have been able to prevent the next words that tumbled from her lips. "seriously though, ellie, you gotta get over this crush." ellie's hands froze.

with wide eyes, she looked up at her best friend. "what? i don't—"

ashley cut her off. "ellie, i know." and the simple sentence was enough to send ellie's thoughts into a spiral. "and it's okay it's just—you saw how my mom and dad were because she had gay friends... and you know y/n doesn't like to upset daddy dearest."

the older girl sighed, defeated. "are you mad?"

ashley almost laughed. "mad?" grinning as she shook her head. "on the contrary, i'm rooting for you."

that night ellie didn't sleep much, worry-filled thoughts swarming her mind. it was rare that ellie williams found herself awake, nevermind at the l/n house at this kind of hour. she couldn't help it, the way her mind so easily floated back to you. the way your teary eyes gazed up at your parents, she felt so bad. guilt consumed her and yet she had nothing to feel guilty for. she wondered how a little lust that day she had met you in the church, looking pretty in a red dress had gotten her here, losing sleep over wondering if you were okay. you were the family favourite, you did everything right and it was for them. ellie couldn't shake the thought of your pretty eyes filled with tears or the way your lips turned darker due to the crying, red raw from the way you had gnawed on it so hard, attempting to block out your own parents voices. ellie couldn't remember when the shouting stopped that night but ashley did everything she could to block it out, playing music, talking extra loud, even going as far as laughing madly at one of ellie's jokes that wasn't even funny. ashley was your sister, certainly she felt some sort of sympathy for you. and she did, for she knew that when these things happened she couldn't intervene, she had before and it was safe to say that things didn't end well for either of you. so she blocked the majority of everything out. ellie sighed and sat up in the double king sized bed. she looked down at ashley. "ashley. ash." pushing her frame around to wake her, all she got was a groan and a swat on the hand. ashley turned around, plopping herself back on the bed and snoring rather loudly, ellie fought very hard not to roll her eyes to the back of her head. there was simply no way she was getting any sleep yet, so she took it upon herself to get out of the bed, there was no luck by staring up at the ceiling and drowning in her own thought consuming mind.

she turned and hung her feet off the side of the bed, pulling on her grey socks so her feet could hit the floor calmly.

ellie scratched at the back of her neck as she walked down the stairs as quietly as humanly possible. she needed some water, then she'd go back to bed, she promised herself that much after all it would be her that was shook awake before nine in the morning.

stepping into the kitchen, the girl momentarily froze at the sight of you, sipping on water as you leaned against the counter. you too froze, eyes blown wide. when did ellie get here? had she been listening the whole time? suddenly, you went red with embarrassment at the thought of ellie listening to you fight with your parents, crying and yelling. "ellie— hi."

"hey, baby." you ignored the way your stomach twisted and your heart jumped not one but two paces. ellie ignored the way her own did the very same as she saw you dressed in her, now your, shirt with only the smallest of baby pink shorts to accompany it, so small that ellie wouldn't have noticed it if not for the obvious contrast in colors between it and the shirt. "can't sleep?" you shook your head, sipping on the glass of water while ellie got her own, filling it from the faucet. you ignored the silence aside from water splashing into the clear cup, ellie ignored the way her eyes flickered towards your pretty silver cross still sitting idly on your chest. ellie knew she shouldn't ask but surprise surprise her lips parted anyway. "ashley told me why you were fighting." you bit down on your bottom lip. "you okay?"

"yeah, i just—" you could feel yourself getting emotional again already. god, y/n, pull yourself together. "i don't know how to tell ruth and maxine that i'm not allowed to talk to them anymore." looking down at your white socks.

"you're not allowed to talk to them at all?" shaking your head, you shuffled your feet around. "because they're gay?" you looked up in slight shock by how easily the word came out in such a casual tone. you weren't even permitted to whisper the word as it was.

clearing your throat, you shook away your slight shock. "yeah and—and i think it's stupid." furrowing your brows together. ellie hadn't heard you state your opinion loud enough before, or at all really, you went along with everything your parents said as to not upset them, doing the very same with your sister, she listened silently. "because they can have their own beliefs, i don't care it's just—they're my friends. and i don't care that they're gay because it doesn't change anything. and i liked having gay friends because they..." they understood you. you stopped mid sentence, eyes wide at what you were almost ready to admit. your eyes snapped towards ellie who was watching you, her glass of water now abandoned on the counter as she waited patiently for you to finish your sentence. "I'm sorry, i don't know why i said all that." suddenly you wished you were inside your bedroom, being sucked into your bed sheets, yeah, that sounded pretty nice right about now. "i'm sorry, i have to go to bed."

and you tried to escape and almost did if it weren't for the hand that instantly caught your arm. you could see ellie's tattoo now that she was in a tank top, her hand was much larger than your arm, it bound around it easily. "they what?" her eyes pleaded for you to continue.

"ellie..." your eyes moved to the top of her hair, she was so much taller than you, they gazed into her own jade pair of irises, then they moved across her flush cheeks dusted with freckles, along the slope of her nose and finally, they rested on her pink lips. "you know." she did, she always did.

"spell it out for me, angel." you took a step back, she took a step forward, you remembered hitting your back against the counter, stumping you from moving at all.

"you— you can't call me those names anymore, ellie." mumbling as your eyes never stopped their light tracing against her lips.

"why?" whisper so gentle that you almost didn't hear her but you could, very clearly when she was so close, lips so close.

"ellie." almost a warning. "I can't." her face was getting closer, yours was growing hotter, pink dusted your cheeks and your lips almost chased her face. you had never kissed anyone before. that was what she was trying to do wasn't it?

"you can't?" dipping her head down so her face met yours. she didn't stop there. "or you won't?" as her hot breath hit your neck, you sucked in a breath.

"i— i think you should go." but you didn't want her to go, you really didn't want her to go.

"you wan't me here?" as a wet kiss came down to the skin of your neck, you gasped out, blinking. this was a dream, it had to be. you felt almost euphoric as her lips flattened against the crook of your neck, the way they kissed you so delicately as if you were made of glass. she moved her head back up almost instantly, as if her own actions weren't affecting her. her lips brushed against your own, so closely that you could taste her. "or here?"

you weren't proud of what you did next.

main masterlist/ellie's masterlist

[cherrryxx]

Hey, I hope you're okay. I would like yo request sole headcanons of Zoro and/or Sanji in a relationship with a male Reader. I hope it doesn't cause any inconvenience!

Absolutely!! I love requests so it was definitely not an inconvenience ❤️

ZORO / SANJI X MALE READER HCS

Warnings: teeth rotting fluff, mild cursing, Zoro is a tad jealous, sexuality hcs, male reader, teensy bit of angst (internalized homophobia), mentions of smoking

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ZORO

-Listen to me when I say that this man is 1000% MLM, gay, a homo

-Open about it in the way he doesn’t care who knows, or what people say

-Hasn’t been in many relationships because he considers them a lifetime commitment, he takes it very seriously in believes in both expressing love/emotions, while growing with one another

-At first he kind of treated it a bit like a job, but not in a negative way, he just wasn’t sure how to express emotions

-He would try to talk to you, but felt awkward if he didn’t know how to respond (mostly because what he had to say was how to fix it, and if you didn’t do it he knew he would get frustrated with you)

-After some time expressing emotion became a lot easier, he became a lot more comfortable with talking about things

-Love language is definitely quality time, acts of service, and physical touch

-He likes to take naps together with you, either using your chest as his pillow or vise-versa

-Anyone who would ever want to say something bad about your relationship is too scared to actually say anything

-Has some odd/different ways of showing affection

-sometimes he might give you food off his plate, or randomly lay his arm over your shoulder

-He also loves it when you train with him

-you don’t even have to do any actual training, you could just help him out by sitting on his back while he does pushups (at first he would just claim it’s because he needed a better workout, but over time it became an odd bonding activity)

-Wasn’t really sure how dates “worked” at first, but after figuring it out (asking Sanji) he would take you on dates at least once or twice a month

-His dates at first would be things he thought you would enjoy (aka crazy training exercises), but once he was able to figure out the things you liked he would bring you to those instead

-Would probably pretend to not like certain things (like romantic dinners/Watching a movie together), but would internally enjoy them so, so much.

-Would try to cook for you sometimes. Heavy emphasis on try (he wasn’t allowed in the kitchen for weeks)

SANJI

-This poor cook is definitely a Bisexual in denial

-Probably has some internalized homophobia due to his upbringing :( (but he would never let you know or take it out on you EVER, he would take that shit to the grave before ever considering that)

-Once he was able to work through that, he was much more comfortable with his sexuality.

-He would be a little unsure about how to express love with another man at first, but quickly warmed up

-He would cook food for you whenever you even hinted at being hungry, and would treat the dishes he made you with more care than even the girls’ plates

-Sanji would treat you more with the kindness he shows girls, rather than the way he would talk to Luffy, Zoro, or any other male crewmate

-He would be absolutely enamored by you, just looking at you would make his day better

-His love language is pretty much every love language to exist

-Constantly works with acts of service with how much he cooks for you, and would buy clothes or anything you wanted (gift giving)

-Always tells you how much he loves and appreciates you, all the time, and he loves it even more if it happens to make you flustered

-He would also try to share his cigarettes with you, but if you didn’t smoke, or had any issue with smelling it, he would either stop smoking entirely or make sure he smoked when he wasn’t around you

-Sanji loves to be near or around you as much as possible, if he’s cooking he wouldn’t even mind you asking to help, even if you accidentally messed something up

-Dates with this man are the most romantic shit ever

-Roses, candle lit dinner, expensive gifts, cuddles afterwards

-He truly thinks of every little detail when you two go on dates

-He’ll even restrain from kicking peoples’ asses when they annoy him to avoid ruining the mood

[blind-sheep]

As someone who spend so much time on more lgbtq+ settings on the internet, I tend to forget how much the average joe is, by norm, very heteronormative, as is society.

Like, there was this short video on youtube showing the Falin's resurrection scene and all, and some peoples did some comments about it.

As someone who do ship falin × marcille, and compared to what we see around here, that's pretty mild stuff right?

But as I keep forgetting, some people get quite mad at the simplest suggestion that gay people may exist in their little show.

Tbf, the first comment may just not be into the ship and is finding reasonings to why it doesn't work on their eyes, but they're very defensive still.

The second comment however is at quite a point of hetero delusion. Falin was about to marry Toshiro? What? It was mentioned he proposed to her, not that she had accepted and was about to marry him! But, to some people, a man liking a woman is enough for them to be already together, no matter how she feels about it, bc it's "the norm" for the boy to get with the girl. Like, he likes her, and that's all that matters so they will totally get together at the end?

Sadly, that's one of the reasons I see Laios × Marcille as a boring ship sometimes. By all means, I see why some people ship it, there is some real reasoning behind it, but I just know the biggest reasoning for most people that ship them is just "he was a boy, she was a girl, do I need to say more?" Type of mindset.

This next one just makes me laugh, it HAS to be bait:

Like, Marcille NEVERS blush around Falin AND just blushes around Laios? Fella, I don't think we watched the same anime or read the same manga, even people that don't ship them can see that they are a little gay. Or can they? (Vsauce theme starts playing~)

About their age difference and how race works in Dungeon Meshi, that's quite the big topic, not sure I want to stray too much here (there's too much text here as it is).

And about that part that says "makes me think they're all very straight": if this comment is a joke or not, this bit says a lot. Most people see the whole world like that, everyone is straight till proven other wise, and you gotta prove a LOT in media for characters to be gay, or it doesn't count. To most people, being hetero is the norm, and seeing lgbtq+ ships is very hard for most bc of this.

No one is forcing anyone to ship anything here, but lots of people really do forget being gay is even possible sometimes, and get mad at us for shipping what reflect our realities (at least in our eyes). Especially in the anime community, where the simple threat that their "waifu" may not like dudes send some fellas into a fit of rage and homophobia.

And I know, the focus of Dungeon Meshi is not romance and never was, and we can't see the story only through these lenses, I agree with that. But people will ship anything in any show, and I just used it as an example to talk about this topic. It's something that comes often to my mind and I never had the chance to talk about it till now.

Here's a little Farcille gif as a treat for those that read all this rant of mine:

( so cuute~ )