#And I get homophobia can be internalized. I had a similar issue. But some people REALLY need to hear this

[tamaruaart]

"[...] Honor to you, old man, but you are not telling the truth! What was I supposed to do when I loved Rashico [Rašica] more than Salco [Salko]? Who can command me — and others — whom I will love, when we cannot even command ourselves who we love?" LOUDER FOR THE PEOPLE IN THE BACK MARTHA

Shout out to the original feminist (Dinko Šimunović)

[wuxian-vs-wangji]

Love Sand: A Summary

For those who cannot afford to buy Love Sand, or don't know if they feel like reading it. This is a full summary, so of course it's full of spoilers. General trigger warnings for dubious consent, non-consent (one partner drunk), and revoked consent.

Love Sand takes place 7-5 months before the events of Love Sea, long before Mahasamut and Tongrak ever meet. The two do, however, play major roles in Khom and Connor's love story.

Love Sand's official English edition can be purchased through Meb.

If you order through the app, you'll have to buy a set of tokens and purchase it that way, If you order through their website, you can directly buy the number of tokens you need for Love Sand specifically.

Love Sand: A Summary

Before getting into this: Khom has a lot of negative self-image issues revolving around being thought of as a sex worker. I conveyed that as best I could here, but I want to make it clear that there is no shame in sex work, so long as it's something the person wants to do, is protected, and does not feel forced into.

Khom is 19, and just had his heart broken by his first love.

Type grew up with Khom, and Khom saw all the bad that came on the heels of Type being sexually assaulted at the age of 11 by a worker his father had hired. Type was hounded by media seeking to sensationalize an already horrible story, and faced the stares of curious islanders and people asking too many questions about the assault.

Type becomes viciously homophobic after the trauma, buying into every negative stereotype about gay people. Khom, who has always known he's gay and who has had a crush on Type throughout his youth, wants to be a calming presence. He supports Type, is his confidant and friend, and swallows his objections to what Type says.

But Type's hatred just keeps growing and growing, and Khom is finally sick of hearing it. He reveals to Type that he's gay, hoping Type will reconsider his homophobia after learning his best friend, who has always been there for him, is gay.

Instead, Type throws it all in Khom's face. He calls Khom a pervert, a slut, and is disgusted by his association with Khom.

Khom is very similar to Mahasamut in Love Sea, in which he will internalize the opinions of people he cares about. Type's words cut as deeply as a knife, and are the trigger for a lot of the plot of Love Sand.

---

Several days after Type returned to his university in Bangkok, Khom is isolating himself and trying to deal with the pain in his heart. He withdraws from everyone, and sits alone to mourn his lifelong one-sided crush.

Khom isn't good at making friends. He's friendly with some guys on the island, but not in a way where he'd turn to any of them if he's in pain. He's extremely introverted, and deeply isolated.

Mahasamut tracks him down one day at a kind of secluded beach the locals keep to themselves. Mut is an older boy on the island, around 21, and viciously charismatic. His business is word-of-mouth, and there isn't much Mahasamut won't do to make sure he's the first choice of every traveler.

But right now, he's in trouble and needs help. Mahasamut was jumped at a bar by a gang of local boys who tried to fuck with him. Despite it being 6:1, Mahsasamut won the fight, but slipped on a beer bottle afterwards and broke his leg.

Mahasamut has a visitor coming to the island the next day, who booked his services and whose business Mut cannot afford to lose. Even if he's the choice of any traveler who can book him, Mahasamut very much lives hand to mouth. Khom is the only other boy on the island who speaks English as well as Mahasamut, and he needs Khom to pretend to be him and play tour guide for 3 days.

In exchange, Mut will give Khom a cut of what the foreigner is paying.

Khom reluctantly agrees, figuring it will be a distraction from his dark thoughts and pain of falling out with Type.

Khom is instantly and immediately attracted to Connor, but he knows how dangerous that is. Connor has a wild playboy aura, and fierce green eyes that make him darkly seductive. He's also 11 years older than Khom.

With a shock, Khom quickly learns that Connor is completely fluent in Thai, though he pretends not to be around most people. Connor is Canadian, and on the island as part of a vacation tour of dive spots.

And that's all Khom is allowed to know. If he asks any questions about Connor's life, Connor quite obviously changes the subject, making it very clear that Khom is not entitled to any personal information at all. Not even how he knows Thai.

Connor is overtly attracted to Khom, and flirts with him constantly. Khom takes him to local hangouts, where the food is more authentic and people more themselves than around the tourist areas.

Khom gets drunk at one such spot, encouraged by Connor, and loses all sense of where he is. He's hot, so he strips, and attracts the attention of basically the Thai equivalent of siren.

In Khom's mind, the demon is coming to steal his soul, but he is too unsteady to fight it as it pins him down and starts jacking him off.

In reality, Connor has taken Khom back to his hotel room, and when Khom strips his shirt off, Connor pounces. He ignores Khom's protests and forcefully jacks him off.

---

---

The next morning, Khom is embarrassed to know he got drunk and the guest he's supposed to be taking care of had to take care of him. He also vaguely remembers having a strange dream the night before, but it's very much a dream.

Connor keeps taunting and teasing Khom, embarrassing the boy and keeping him on edge. Khom is fighting constantly against his own attraction to Connor. He doesn't want to be the kind of person Type accused him of being.

He isn't a slut, he isn't easy, he isn't perverted. He isn't the kind to have flings with tourists. Khom's had a couple of very short lived relationships in his life, all done under extreme secrecy. No one knows he's gay, not even his family. That's half to protect himself, and half because he didn't want Type to know he was gay, still hoping that Type's prejudice would eventually fade.

Connor wants to go for a dive, so Mahasamut sends Palm with a rented boat. But the boat is WAY too nice, and Khom realizes that Connor must be paying Mahasamut way above his normal rate. Meanwhile, he's giving Khom pennies for filling in.

Khom is supposed to be pretending to be Mahasamut so that Connor doesn't know this isn't the guide he hired. But Khom is so bad at it that he keeps forgetting, and it's obvious to Connor from the start. It is never confirmed nor denied, but Khom suspects Mahasamut somewhat pimped him out to Connor. Choosing Khom as his guide because Khom is physically exactly the kind of person Connor is attracted to.

While diving, Connor pretends to drown so that Khom has to give him air (they were freediving, not diving with tanks). To Connor, it's a cheeky way to get a kiss, hidden underwater where Cockblock Palm can't see them. But Khom is deathly serious about safety, and is absolutely enraged.

After that, Connor sticks to beaches, and apologizes constantly for playing. He also doesn't slow down his pursuit of Khom in the least.

---

---

The next day, Khom takes Connor out again, this time on a motorbike. Connor is very suggestive all day, and keeps Khom anxious and on the edge. Eventually, even though Khom repeatedly asks him to behave, Connor distracts Khom while he's driving and Khom nearly collides with a car. He crashes the bike, and while Connor is fine, Khom's leg is torn up.

Khom has to go to the hospital, and Connor is extremely embarrassed and worried. He takes Khom back to the resort and takes care of him.... but in a very Connor way.

He helps strip Khom, and then sits there in the bathroom with him while Khom takes a bath with maximum embarrassment. He also deliberately leaves the towel away from the tub so that Khom has to ask him for it while Connor stares at him.

Connor then makes Khom lay on the bed and take his medicine, which puts him to sleep. Khom is incredibly upset- he's ruined Connor's last night on the island, and now a guest is losing out on enjoying the area because he has to take care of his guide.

The next morning, Khom wakes in intense pain from the leg. Connor again gives him medicine, and tells him to go back to sleep. Khom doesn't want to lose the time with Connor, but Connor won't hear it.

When Khom next wakes, it's late in the afternoon. Connor has not only missed his checkout time, but he's also missed the last boat off the island for the day. Khom is again embarrassed and upset, but Connor doesn't care.

Connor then reveals that he actually extended his vacation the night before, and did it specifically because he's interested in the island, but also in Khom. Mahasamut has also given Khom as his guaranteed tour guide for his extended stay. This kind of reminds Khom that he's acting like a prostitute, wanting to sleep with the man who he's been hired to guide.

The next morning, on one public beach, while Connor is swimming, Khom is approached by a group of guys (Khom can't get in the water with his injury). One of them is Jun, a local who was once a classmate of Khom's. Jun's family had the money to send him to school on the mainland, and he's returned with his rich friends, making fun of how shabby the island is.

Khom loves the island as fiercely as Mahasamut does, and Jun pisses him off. Jun belittles Khom, and right then Connor reappears and steps in. He puts Jun in his place, taunting him and destroying him and his dignity in front of his rich little friends, until they laugh at Jun and leave him.

Jun is pissed, but Connor is massive, and so he is forced to back down.

Connor then takes Khom back to Mahasamut's truck (that Khom had for the day) and helps him finally vent some emotion. Khom is mad at Jun but swallowing it, and Connor encourages him until Khom finally yells in the car. As a reward, Connor gives Khom a kiss.

Khom wants to be bold a little longer, and so he asks Connor if he can request a bigger award. Connor has been pursuing him all day, and making it clear how badly he wants Khom. The kiss also makes Khom realize that he wasn't dreaming the other night, Connor definitely took advantage of him when he was drunk.

But Khom is so thirsty that he doesn't care right now.

Connor lays Khom's seat down in the truck and gives Khom the best blowjob of his life, but won't let Khom touch him in response. He swallows most of the cum and feeds Khom a little, visibly becoming feral watching Khom shyly lick it off his fingers.

But when Khom wants to return the favor, Connor just straightens up as if nothing happened and drives Khom back home. Khom feels embarrassed and humiliated. Connor is visibly hard in his pants, but clearly he's decided Khom is incapable of taking care of him. As the night goes on, Khom sinks deeper and deeper into just feeling like some slut.

Khom takes Connor to some dive spots over the next day, but Khom has to stay on the boat while Palm dives with Connor, much to Connor's chagrin. Palm clearly knows Connor and Khom are interested in each other, but Khom's leg cannot get wet.

The next day, Khom takes Connor to a secret beach, one of several the locals kind of keep to themselves. It's isolated, pristine, and quiet. Connor wants to have a picnic, but this beach doesn't have a dock, a detail Khom forgot about. To protect Khom's leg, Connor jumps into the water and carries Khom to shore.

Connor and Khom start making out, and a storm hits. They move beneath an overhang and decide to wait out the storm. It is then that Connor asks Khom how old he is.

All this time, Connor has thought Khom was 16-17. Somehow in Connor's mind that translated to jacking off a drunk and protesting Khom was acceptable, as was giving him a blowjob and making endless sexual overtures to him, but letting Khom touch him sexually was not.

When Connor finds out Khom is 19, all bets are off. Connor and Khom pounce on each other, and have sex on the beach for several hours. Khom is shy and easily embarrassed, which turns Connor on. Connor is into sexual sadism, and Khom finds himself overwhelmingly turned on by the hard and rough sex Connor offers.

But after the sex is over, Khom is again embarrassed. Partly for breaking his own rules and sleeping with a client, but also how shamelessly he begged for Connor to be harder and rougher.

Connor calls Khom "honey", but is clear that that nickname is not the term of endearment, but a reference to his honey-colored skin. He'll also call him "baby", and during sex "slut". Khom, hiding his own self-loathing and shame for having sex without any kind of relationship, calls Connor "pervert" constantly.

Connor and Khom are insatiable after their sex on the beach. Khom accepts that he's just a slut, that none of this means anything to Connor, but it feels good. They burn through condoms hard and fast, and Connor shows his truest colors in repeatedly forcing orgasms out of Khom, long after Khom as begged for mercy.

But that's part of what he and Khom both enjoy. Because Khom very much does enjoy it.

Connor also comes to Khom's house to have real, authentic local food made by Khom's mother. He's polite and charming, and interested in learning about Khom. Connor finds out Khom is in college, studying on the mainland to a degree (he's in a small local school in the city where the ferry to the island picks up tourists), and that is as far as Khom has ever been.

Khom expresses some jealousy of friends of his who have been to Bangkok, and how it's a dream of his to go there someday. It's a bit subtle, but he expresses a desire to go further, and some disappointment that he won't.

That night, Connor calls his best friend Tongrak, and makes a few demands.

---

---

The next evening, as Khom is walking with Connor along a beach, Connor tells Khom that he will be leaving the next day. His vacation time is used up.

Khom is devastated, but tries not to show it. He's fallen in love with Connor over the last week and a half, thoroughly and truly, and while he always knew this day was coming, he is heartbroken. Khom knows he has no right to ask Connor to stay, he's just some islander who spread his legs for the man.

Connor then tells Khom that he'd like it if Khom left with him. He tells Khom he arranged a spot for him at a university, a private dorm, and will give Khom a large living allowance in exchange for Khom sleeping with Connor whenever he asks. Khom won't live with Connor, and Connor will mostly leave him alone, but they'll have sex at least once a week.

Khom is shattered.

He already thought of himself as a slut for throwing himself at a tourist, but Connor's words are shredding what dignity he thought he had in believing their attraction was mutual. Connor knows Khom's family isn't wealthy, and he knows Khom helps his father with work as much as possible, so Connor helpfully mentions Khom can send the money back to his parents to make things easier for them.

But Connor, growing up in privelige, doesn't understand how that sounds. Like he's looking down on Khom's family and what they have. Like he's saying they're so poor that they have to sell their son into sexual slavery just to make ends meet. Khom's family isn't wealthy, but they have as much as they need, and they're happy.

Khom punches Connor and runs away, hiding on a remote beach as he sobs. Everything he thought he had with Connor was a lie. Connor only saw him as some poor island boy who he could make his personal hooker.

Every nasty thing Type said to him is at the foreground of his mind as he processes his and Connor's relationship through an increasingly negative lense.

---

---

Khom stays out all night, hiding from the world. He doesn't leave the beach until Mahasamut comes to find him there, letting him know that Mut personally saw Connor off onto the boat. He's gone for good.

And he knows what went down. Mut tries to console Khom by saying he should have agreed to it, then made Connor pay not with his money, but with his heart. That's what Mahasamut would do if he was in Khom's shoes.

Khom brushes Mahasamut off, and tries to go back to his life.

But Connor had pissed off Jun a week ago, humiliating him in front of his rich friends and making them dump him in disgrace.

Jun asked around locals who worked at the resort, and found out that Khom was in Connor's room most nights. He also found out the trash of that room was filled with used condoms every day.

Jun jumps Khom outside of a local shop one evening. He picks a fight with Khom, who initially tries to put up a fight in return. Jun outs Khom as gay to the whole island, which takes a lot of the fight out of Khom as Jun loudly yells about all the used condoms in Connor's room and how Khom is some hooker who spread it for money because his family is poor.

And then Jun really brutlly starts wailing on Khom, and Khom's only awareness through the pain is that everyone is just watching. No one is helping him. They look vaguely disgusted (likely at the overall spectacle, but he reads it as them being disgusted with him).

---

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Khom loses consciousness, and Jun finally stops. A friend of Mahasamut's in the crowd calls the man, and while Mahasamut rushes to the area, the friend takes Khom to the hospital (you don't get the friend's name, but it's not Palm).

Khom regains consciousness enough to refuse to stay at the hospital, so Mahasamut comes and picks him up. The next time Khom wakes up, he's in Mut's shack, in his bed, with the older guy watching over him.

Mahasamut tells Khom that he bent arms and convinced as many people as he could to keep what Jun said quiet- about him sleeping with Connor and about him being gay. But Khom knows it's impossible for Mahasamut to silence enough people. Word has probably already gotten back to his parents.

Khom is terrified, positive his parents will throw him out for being gay, and feeling like garbage for ever sleeping with Connor. Mahasamut recommends he leave the island and go back to his dorm on the mainland, to give himself some time away for things to quiet down. Khom was already thinking along the same lines.

Mahasamut delivers Khom to the pier looking absolutely horrific, and Khom leaves without ever speaking to his family.

Over the next two weeks, Khom lives in absolute terror. He won't leave his room, barely eats, and can't sleep. Every footstep in the hallway he's scared it's someone coming to attack him for being gay. He won't answer any messages from anyone, and every ring of his phone makes him physically ill.

He also sinks deeper and deeper into every negative thought Connor's offer put into his mind. That he's only a slut, inhuman, delusional for ever thinking anyone could be attracted to him.

---

---

Connor, meanwhile, hasn't stopped thinking about the fight with Khom. It's eating him alive, and he's become short tempered and angry.

He knows he fucked up, that rage is directed inward. He arranged the university for Khom because he could see Khom's desire to study and grow beyond the confines of the island to learn and see the world.

He arranged the dorm to give Khom a chance to build his own life, because things could end with Connor at any time. That's how dating works. He wanted Khom stable. He mentioned sending money home because he misread Khom's devastation at his offer as Khom worrying about not being able to help his father with work.

And he mentioned sex in exchange because he's always teasing Khom with sex. But he fully understands how Khom could have taken it so wrongly, and is pissed at himself for not chasing after Khom and explaining it all clearly. But Khom blocked his number, and he has no way of reaching him.

Eventually, Connor has pissed Tongrak off enough that his friend tells him to just go talk to Khom. He has no vacation time left, so he flies down to the south on the weekend. He gets ahold of Mahasamut, who only tells him Khom is no longer on the island.

Connor remembers that Khom attended university, and so he gets a hotel on the mainland and intends to search the campus for any sign of him.

---

---

Desperate to at least forget about Connor, Khom installs a hookup app on his phone. He has thoroughly crashed, and since he's only worthy of being a slut, he will be one. He finds a guy who is a bit old, a bit dumpy, but it's a foreigner who has green eyes.

But when Khom goes to meet the guy, forcing himself to step outside, the man is vastly different from his picture. Khom becomes more and more uncomfortable as the man leads him up to his hotel room, and tries to back out entirely. The man refuses to take no for an answer and drags Khom through the hallway.

Just before the man can throw Khom into his room, Khom is saved by a furious Connor. Connor happened to see Khom in the lobby- this is Connor's hotel- and after weeks feeling guilty for what he did to Khom, he's pissed as all hell to see Khom following some random man up to his room.

Connor drags Khom to his own room and throws him inside, ready to fight. He calls Khom a slut, but Khom becomes immediately defiant. Khom doesn't see himself as having anything left, he's utterly drowning and doesn't know if he can survive, so he cuts off Connor and tells him he accepts the deal. He'll be Connor's personal whore.

Connor is angry, and Khom is determined. He throws Khom on the bed and is extremely rough with him. By the end he's more gentle, forcing Khom to cum until he's numb, and it's time to go to the dorm so Khom can grab a backpack of personal items to leave with Connor.

But Connor was rougher than he'd ever been, and Khom is covered in bruises.

After that, Khom retreats into himself. He barely speaks, and even then only when Connor pushes. The only thing he says of his own volition is begging Connor to not make him get on an airplane (Khom is terrified of flying).

He doesn't know where Connor is taking him. Literally all he knows about Connor is his age, that he's Canadian, and that he speaks Thai. Not how he learned it, not where he lives, not what he does.

Connor relents, and they board a 16 hour bus ride to Bangkok. Khom is extremely uncomfortable. Connor was well beyond his tolerance the previous night, and it physically hurts to even sit on the bus seat. Khom pretends to sleep the whole ride to Bangkok, but he's too sick to his stomach at what he's doing. That he's sold himself.

He let Connor go beyond his tolerance because he believes that as a sex slave, he has no right to say no to Connor. Even if he protests in bed, they are insincere and part of his and Connor's CNC kink they developed on the island. He never fights it, never limits it. Even though it hurt.

Connor watches Khom the whole ride. He feels guilty for the bruises on Khom's sides, and knows he has to be in pain. But Connor can't figure out why the boy let him go that far. He was trying to get Khom to stop him. Pushing the limits so Khom would push back.

He doesn't know what happened the past two weeks, but looking at Khom and really studying him, he can see the boy is way too thin, and there are dark, deep bags under his eyes. He is pale and utterly terrified of something.

The bus hits traffic and they get to Bangkok later than anticipated. Connor can't miss work, if he knew he might have been able to take a personal day, but everything happened too fast, and he has meetings lined up until late at night.

Connor rushes Khom back to his apartment, and it's then that Khom very pitifully asks if Connor lives in Bangkok, then quickly apologizes for asking him anything personal. He also only calls Connor "sir".

Connor realizes that Khom internalized what he'd done on the island- keeping personal information private to the point where Khom thought he had no right to know absolutely anything.

There isn't time to explain, so Connor just tells Khom he can put his things on the sofa, and Connor will be back late that night. Khom pokes around the room a little after Connor leaves, but doesn't touch anything. He was told he could sit on the sofa, so that must be the only spot Connor would let a whore dirty in his home.

He looks out at the city, so overwhelmingly different from home, and spends the day balled up on the sofa crying.

---

---

That night, Connor comes home to a pitch black apartment. He realized with Khom's question about his personal life what Khom must be thinking, and starts to put the pieces together that Khom genuinely believes he has no rights.

Connor feels crushingly guilty. Khom is a naiive boy, and he's always known this. He wasn't careful enough in how he handled Khom, and knows now Khom must have been in agony their night together before coming to Bangkok.

When Connor sees the dark and empty apartment, his heart breaks. He thinks Khom must have left, fleeing him and his abuse. But then he turns on the light and finds Khom stirring on the sofa.

While Connor is relieved initially, he sees the black bags under Khom's eyes are only worse, and what's more, Khom is still in the same clothes. When he asks Khom, gently, why Khom didn't shower, Khom says Connor didn't give him permission.

Connor's heart breaks, and just when he thinks he can't feel any more guilt for how he's spoken to and treated Khom, he dares to ask if Khom has eaten anything. Khom hasn't, because Connor didn't give him permission to use the refrigerator. Khom references Connor's initial offer, how Khom isn't supposed to be in Connor's personal home, he'll have a spot of his own where he's kept until Connor wants to use him.

Connor tells Khom to forget everything he said on the island. The home is as much Khom's as it is Connor's, and he has complete reign over it. He can sleep in any bed he wants, use the television, use everything he wants right down to Connor's toothbrush if he needs it, and empty the fridge as much as he wants.

Khom showers and Connor tries to coax some emotion out of him by asking Khom what he wants to eat. But every food Khom has heard of in Bangkok (from Type) are pastries, and Connor feels worse and worse seeing the flicker of hope leave Khom's eyes each time he tells Khom he can't have it (the shops are closed, and Khom will probably make himself sick eating sweets after not eating for days).

Khom shuts down again, and tells Connor he will eat whatever Connor wants him to. Connor takes him out and orders too much food, feeling worse and worse as he watches Khom devour it. Khom doesn't eat a lot usually, and how quickly he shovels the food down tells Connor how much he's starved himself.

Before going home, Connor takes him to a grocery store. Khom won't ask for or buy anything, he's acting odd again and has retreated. So Connor leaves him by the entrance to sit while Connor buys more food to fill the fridge up with, plus any prepackaged pastries still left.

Back at the apartment, he puts all the food on a shelf in the fridge and reminds Khom that the whole fridge is his to use as he wants, but also emphasizes that the foods he put there today, Khom should think of as his and his alone. It's Connor's way to try and cover himself- if Khom doens't believe he can use anything in the kitchen, he at least has to believe that there is food that is HIS and he can eat at will.

Connor then gives Khom a cardkey to access the apartment, so Khom can wander freely. There are only two in existence, his and Connor's. Khom finally starts to believe that Connor is sincere, that maybe things will be alright.

And then Connor hands Khom a wad of cash.

From Connor's standpoint: Bangkok is more expensive than the island by a mile. He doesn't want Khom to have to sit around all week until the weekend when Connor can take him places. Doesn't want him dwelling on things in the apartment alone, and wants him to have the freedom to go to pastry shops and see museums, all the things Khom mentioned wanting to do back on the island.

But what Khom sees is Connor giving him his first payment. Reminding him, lest Khom get too happy, that he's nothing more than a prostitute that Connor has bought.

Connor can't figure out why Khom's face goes completely blank. He doesn't even hear Connor anymore, just puts the money at the bottom of his backpack and pulls Connor to the bedroom.

While Connor tries to get Khom to speak to him, Khom strips and lays on the bed, forcing his legs apart and telling Connor to go ahead.

All of Connor's self-loathing and guilt come roaring to the surface. He repeatedly tries to explain to Khom that the money wasn't in exchange for sex, but Khom has completely broken, even further than he knew he could break. He won't listen to the explanations or excuses, he won't hear any of it. He begs Connor to just use him, saying he needs Connor to do it, because he can't take feeling any worse than he already does. He feels worthless and like garbage, and if Connor won't let him do the one thing he thinks he's worth, he won't be able to take it anymore.

Connor snaps. He tells Khom he has no interest in having sex with him, and tells Khom to instead touch himself while Connor watches. He reminds Khom that Khom can't get hard without some pain, and forces Khom to finger himself, even though he's still swollen and bruised from the rough sex 2 nights before.

But Khom is too tired, too heartbroken, and too overwhelmed. Connor unceremoneously extends a leg and shoves his big toe into Khom's ass, and between the pain and Connor's command- which Khom's body has always obeyed above Khom's own will- he's able to get hard.

Eventually, Connor withdraws and Khom's fingers take their place, but he still can't get off. It's exhaustion, the bad kind of pain, and on top of all of that, Connor is glaring at Khom with only cold disgust on his face.

And Khom doesn't know that disgust is turned inward. He thinks Connor is disgusted with him.

Khom's already fragile mind breaks and he starts to openly sob, and tries to get away. Connor climbs onto the bed and starts roughly fingering Khom while making Khom continue stroking himself. He ignores all of Khom's sobbing and pleas for Connor to stop.

In a way, this is what Connor has wanted though- Khom holds everything inside, he keeps everything to himself and doesn't express himself, and that's always been the problem. On the island in the happier times- he never knew how much Khom was internalizing the dirty talk and all of that. How ashamed Khom was of himself every time they had sex.

So Connor takes on a gentler tone and tells Khom to keep crying. Eventually, he manages to make Khom cum, and Khom begs forgiveness for getting off first, and tries to pull at Connor's pants, even though he's still shaking and crying.

Connor punches the bed and storms out of the room, leaving Khom alone in his own cum, still crying.

Connor is utterly disgusted with himself, more than ever before. He likes when he makes Khom cry in bed, but a desperate, horny kind of crying. Not that soul-crushing sadness.

Connor doesn't sleep all night, and neither does Khom. Connor is horrified by his own actions, and vows not to touch Khom sexually again. He also decides to hold off explaining everything. He needs to build Khom back up mentally, to heal his psyche first and foremost.

He intends to build Khom's faith in him through actions, and when Khom is strong enough and has had some good days and full nights of sleep, then explain it all.

The next day, Khom pretends to be asleep when Connor tries to check on him, and Connor leaves to go to work. He leaves work early and raids every pastry store he can find, buying everything Khom mentioned the night before and then anything that Connor thought had sufficient sugar content.

When he gets home, Khom is again gone. But he walks in a few minutes later- he'd gone to the grocery store. Khom won't look at him and is visibly weak. When Connor says he thought Khom might have left him, Khom just says he doesn't have anywhere to go, but will leave if Connor makes him.

Khom thinks Connor is mad about last night, about Khom not being able to satisfy him after Connor paid good money for it. And now he thinks Connor is going to throw him out on the street.

Connor reassures Khom that will never happen. He shows Khom all of the foods and treats he brought, trying to bring any warmth to Khom's face.

A cream puff does the trick. It brings back a little bit of light, and Connor basks in that. When it comes time to go to bed, Khom again thinks he's expected to have sex with Connor, but Connor only holds him, saying he misses his warmth from their nights on the island sharing a bed.

For the first time in weeks, Khom sleeps deeply.

---

---

Connor takes Khom on a date, bringing him on the metro to the mall he bought all of Khom's treats from, and buying even more, anything Khom's eyes linger on. He also takes Khom to a sit-down restaurant that has southern food, something Khom is more familiar with.

When two girls flirt with Connor, he makes sure they know he belongs to KHOM. Khom is already overwhelmed by how overt a gay couple can be in the city compared to the environment he grew up on, and is both touched and put on edge by how overt Connor is.

That night, Connor realizes with a start that he's acting as mooney with Khom as his father acted when he fell in love with his stepmother, and realizes he's now sincerely fallen in love with Khom.

Things get significally better for Khom from there.

Connor is always gentle with him, asks permission to even touch Khom, and refuses to touch him sexually in any way. The most he allows himself is a peck on the cheek when he comes home from work.

He is also very aware that Khom won't ask him personal questions because of his previous deflection, so Connor makes a point of bringing things up. When his mother calls and Khom's eyes are wide at Connor speaking to her in Thai, Connor goes out of his way to explain that his step-mother is Thai.

Connor tells Khom about his family- his father, his beloved step-mother, and his half-brother. He promises he'll introduce Khom to them when they next come back to Thailand (a yearly trip).

This does help pierce through some of Khom's still present thoughts about being a prostitute. If Connor thought of him as only a sex object, then he wouldn't introduce Khom to his family. That's something you do for a person you like, right?

Khom shyly asks for permission to get a job helping at the kitchen of a small local restaurant. He reassures Connor it won't interfere with his "duties" with Connor, and won't tire him out. Connor is worried about Khom feeling overwhelmed, he's still very much recovering from a massive breakdown, but he won't restrict Khom in any way.

Besides, the work gives Khom money of his own, and Connor is afraid of giving Khom money again, afraid of Khom misunderstanding and going back to his dead-eyed state.

Connor also, after a month, has sex with Khom again. But only because Khom would really like it, and he refuses to do anything rough (even though, again, Khom really likes rough).

This time, to make up for all of the bad in the past, he is as gentle and soft as possible. His goal is to make Khom completely melt with happiness. Eventually they can get back to their wilder sexcapades, but Connor won't risk Khom, not while he's still picking himself back up.

---

---

More time passes, weeks, and Khom has saved up his money. He feels more secure with Connor now, and is starting to accept that Connor doesn't see him as a prostitute, and probably never has.

Khom has been gone for a long time now, and he gets a message from his old college that he's now missed too many classes and won't be given credit for the year. Khom decides to go and formally withdraw, and go to finally face his parents back on the island.

Connor desperately wants to go with him, but Khom wants a chance to handle things himself. He feels guilty for hiding. He spends his paycheck on gifts for his parents, and a nice handbag for his mother. Khom will go ahead, and in a few days Connor will fly down to join him.

Either to meet Khom's parents as Connor's boyfriend, or to console Khom if they throw him out.

---

---

Khom leaves for the bus terminal (man will NOT fly). Not long after he leaves, Connor's best friend Tongrak shows up.

Connor wasn't lying to Khom about there only being two keys to the apartment, it's just that the apartment is owned by Tongrak, who has the master key. He cuts the rent for Connor and their actress friend Vivie in exchange for being able to wander in and out of their places whenever he's feeling lonely.

Tongrak is a writer, but is bitterly lonely. He has major aversions to romantic relationships because of family trauma, and relies on his friends when it all becomes too much. Tongrak wanted to meet Khom, he's insanely curious, but he is too late.

Something Tongrak does with Connor when things become too hard is to just sleep with Connor hugging him. To feel physical contact. They've done this since their college days, even though neither has any sexual interest in the other whatsoever, and to be clear this is not a sexual act.

Tongrak flings himself on the bed, ignoring Connor's grumbling that he's laying on Khom's pillow and his perfume is covering Khom's scent. He only means to lay down for a little, but falls asleep.

---

---

Khom gets to the bus terminal and realizes he mixed up one of Connor's bags for the one his mother's gift is in. He was getting the last bus of the night, but he decides to surprise Connor by going home and leaving in the morning instead.

When Khom gets back to the apartment, he finds it dark, and follows a trail of Tongrak's discarded clothes (man isn't sleeping naked, just to be clear, he just likes wearing layers) to the bedroom he and Connor share.

And finds Connor sleeping curled around a painfully beautiful man Khom has never seen before.

Khom drops the bag he's holding and Connor sleepily calls out "Love?" (in Thai), pulling the man tighter.

Tongrak's name means "Must Love", the "Rak" part, his nickname, meaning "Love". It sounds like a pet name- and what's worse, one Connor never used with Khom.

To Khom, it looks like Connor couldn't wait to replace him with another, more beautiful man the moment he was gone. That Connor must have been just playing house all this time, while keeping his usual men off to the side.

---

Tongrak is woken in the morning by Connor viciously cursing. He woke up to find a note saying only "Goodbye", sitting on top of the original wad of cash he gave Khom on his first night in Bangkok.

Tongrak feels horrific. They figure out Khom must have missed his bus and come home, finding them napping together. Connor has told Khom about his family, but Tongrak never came up. He doesn't know, and it must have looked horrific.

Tongrak is the level head in the moment. While Connor is going insane, Tongrak reminds him that Khom will take the bus, which is a 16 hour ride. The flight, meanwhile, is only a couple hours long and can get him south infinitely faster, and with time to spare.

Connor feels horrible, imagining how much pain Khom must be in. He grabs his things to rush south, pausing only to make one fast stop on his way to the airport.

---

---

Khom arrives on the island feeling worse than he ever has. He cried the entire bus ride down, and feels more self loathing and disgust than he's ever felt.

But when he gets off the boat, Connor is already there.

In front of absolutely everyone, and at full volume, Connor yells that he loves Khom, and belongs only to Khom. He shows Khom that he's added Khom's name to a tattoo on his back of a tiger- a tattoo Khom always liked to stroke when they had sex.

Khom yells about catching Connor in bed with another man, and begs Connor to just leave him alone. He says that if he's with Connor, he won't be able to stand the pain any more, and is scared that one day he'll end up killing himself.

Connor immediately reassures Khom that Tongrak isn't a lover, but a friend. Tongrak himself is waiting with his phone close by to explain everything the moment Connor calls- though they don't do that until later on.

Khom is in so much pain, but Connor is giving him a lifeline in trying to explain. At least for the moment, to stop the pain for a moment, Khom says he'll believe him, and lets Connor kiss him.

Mahasamut, the shithead who is all about the drama, starts the clapping.

Khom and Connor move to a private area, where Khom listens patiently as Connor explains absolutely everything. Every misunderstanding, his intentions, the meanings behind every action and look, apologizing and begging forgiveness the whole time.

He also calls Tongrak, and Khom speaks to him. Tongrak feels absolutely wretched for causing the misunderstanding, and swears he will also apologize in person.

With everything out in the open, Khom feels better than he has in months. Things are still raw, but he feels safer with Connor, and understands Connor's intentions more.

It isn't total forgiveness- it's mentioned in Love Sea, taking place 5 months later, that Connor is still extremely sensitive to mentions of what happened in Love Sand and Khom still gets angry about it, but they're happy, together, and Khom feels secure enough to bicker and fight with Connor (who always lets Khom win).

Khom goes home with Connor, and while Khom's parents have some questions, they accept his sexuality. They found out about what happened to Khom when Mahasamut appeared at their house the day after Khom fled the island, dragging a bloody Jun with him to crawl on the ground and beg their forgiveness for hurting Khom.

Mahasamut has also spent the months Khom has been away making sure everyone on the island knows the same pain will be brought down on anyone who fucks with someone for being LGBT.

Khom will live with Connor in Bangkok, but for the next several months, he'll return to the island once a month for at least a weekend- possibly up to a week- to be with his parents. Connor agrees, even if it makes him sad that Khom will be gone.

Also, in acknowledgement that it's kind of stupid that Connor had time to get a tattoo and STILL got to the island several hours before Khom, Khom agrees to try flying instead of the day-long bus ride.

When the next school year starts up, Khom will go to the university in Bangkok that Connor and Tongrak had arranged before Connor proposed his disaster of a deal back when they first met. Connor will support him through his studies, and promises to never limit Khom in any way.

Khom also receives a long text from Type. Over the months since he last saw Khom, Type has fallen in love with his roommate Tharn, and the two are now a couple. He begs Khom's forgiveness for everything cruel he said- both on the beach to Khom's face, and over the years that Khom has been by his side as a friend.

Khom forgives Type, and the two maintain a social media friendship, not meeting up in Bangkok, but staying in contact via SMS. Having Type back in his life as a friend helps soothe a lot of the remaining pain, and Khom feels more stable and secure than ever... Even though Connor feels a bit insecure that Khom is texting with his first love again...

By the timeline of Love Sea, Connor and Khom are mostly past their issues from Love Sand, and Connor has brought Khom to Canada to give him his first taste of international travel and show him the world. Khom has also been accepted by Connor's family, quickly becoming a welcome addition and favorite.

Meanwhile, Connor and Khom start to turn their attention on Tongrak, and think it might be a fun kind of chaos to send Connor's favorite annoyance (Tongrak) to meet Khom's favorite annoyance (Mahasamut).

Though neither can seem to decide if they'll hit it off, or if Mahasamut will annoy Tongrak to death...

[fromtenthousandfeet]

https://www.tumblr.com/fromtenthousandfeet/766065012296056833/so-basically-what-im-getting-is-that-hybe-and?source=share

You know I've worked under a CEO who had a massive ego. With men like that and companies that have a culture like that, you'll see that ultimately decisions will be based on the CEOs "gut instincts". I'd bring up data driven proposals based on market research and argue for initiatives I believed in because I naively thought my success = company profits from my proposals. I quickly realised that nope, people who showed worse results than me got shifted to better projects because they were massaging the CEOs ego better. You'd have treat his ego like a delicate baby bird egg and make him think what you want is his decision. This is a dynamic in a lot of places but it's esp strong in asian workplaces and being a woman also unfortunately makes a difference. I admit instead of sticking by my principles, I adopted a similar approach and immediately started getting more acclaim for my work even though imo it was actually worse than before. I ultimately got tired of all of it and moved to an mnc where things are less about catering to one man.

Anyway this long rant was just to say, you'd think that in the face of overwhelming evidence that they're not backing a strong solo talent like Jimin enough, this dumbass music label would course correct and fix their mistakes. This is why so many pjms think Jimin's not continuing with hybe. But I'm gonna say men like bang si hyuk who probably solely credits himself as the brains behind the success of BTS more than any member and think their thoughts are always right, would rather double down than admit they made a mistake and did not identify Jimin's solo talent correctly.

Of course I don't have any inside scoop on Hybe and perhaps I'm projecting too much of my personal experience here but as much as I don't like MHJ, I can identify with that aspect of her complaints which were obvious from the messages she exposed that she exchanged with BSH. Or that post by the Hybe employee you shared who talked about getting pushed out of the company. Hell even the myriad controversies that keep getting exposed about Hybe employees bitching about their artists on forums, getting exposed for insider trading, potentially being on DC gallery and selling info to ssngs, the cloying nature of that internal report, embezzlement scandals etc - I know they're a big corporation but it is not normal to have so many issues in such a short period of time. It's a symptom of a toxic workplace where things are festering under the surface.

A bunch of misogynistic, old Korean men decided to back JK and his bad boy aesthetic instead of Jimin whose appeal is more soft and unisex - it's not surprising right? We talk about how men look down on kpop esp boy groups because their fanbase is primarily women, and we talk at length about how sea countries have a higher tendency to shun Jimin because of some internalised homophobia (wild considering we don't know anything about his romantic life) - but these are the same type of people who are in charge of orgs like Hybe. Of course their asses don't back him or see his potential. Also why they're struggling so hard to break into western markets. They cannot see beyond their own twisted ideas of what makes a successful artist - esp a male solo artist

Truly I think they personally don't see his appeal or like his music and they think that means he can't make it even though at this point it's becoming kind of obvious he's perhaps the most popular member in the US and latam. And damn with who, he's doing amazing in Russia, Europe and India too. Will they get their heads out of their asses and give him the promo he deserves? I really don't know. I don't think he's parted ways with Hybe like some pjms so unless he plans to in the future, I can only hope they're eventually forced to see the light.

PS I'm from a sea country, currently working in the middle east so I don't bring up Asian work culture or sea / asian countries to be derogatory but from personal experience. Also sorry about how long this got!

Thank you to the anon who sent this to me so long ago (in response to the weekly industry trends leak). I've been waiting for the right time to share this and today feels like the day with the announcement of the new BigHit CEO announcement.

I saw the most amazing comment from a KPJM today - only pigs survive in pigsties. Maybe the new CEO will be great and a much needed fresh start, but it's also possible that she's held on for so long in the company because she's willing to do what's necessary to keep her job and move up the ladder. We shall see. I'm staying neutral for now.

Thank you for sharing your personal experience and your insights.

[edwardbabygirlteach]

Some thoughts on Izzy and why I’m sad people hate him so much without any consideration to his character history and the theme of the show.

Like don’t get me wrong, I understand the Izzy we have seen so far is…rough to say the least.

But here's the thing. We know that in season 2 we're going to get a lot of good character development from him, and I'm very excited about this.

“Izzy goes on a remarkable journey this season” says O'Neill. "He understands what love is and whom he's in love with."

“it's been quite demanding to be playing a man enraged by unrequited love, who's basically a hopeless romantic,"

Izzy is clearly struggling with some internalized issues. Internalized homophobia probably being one of them.

He's struggling with the fact he's devoted everything he has every day to Blackbeard. He doesn't understand why Ed is suddenly this open and emotionally available person for Stede, he doesn't know why stede gets that side of Ed and he never has.

Even Ivan points it out when he says “This is the most open and available I've ever seen him"

Im not saying Izzy's actions so far in the show are to be ignored or excused by any means but I think Izzy is dealing with emotions he was never taught how to deal with, how to recognize or even made to feel like he was allowed to feel them. I think we can kind of assume Izzy was raised to be a"man's man" and not to be "soft”

Even David Jenkins has said himself “a lot of what were taught about being a man is wrong"

What we're going to be seeing in season 2 is Izzy realizing this. Just as we've seen Ed and Stede processing through something similar in season 1 though maybe not as extreme. They were both raised by shit fathers who made it a point to tell them that being soft or gentle is a bad thing. That enjoying the gentler things in life is Un masculine. Like Stede's love for picking flowers, Or Ed's love for fine fabrics.

This is clearly something that real people struggle with in the real world everyday. What it means to be a Man, to be masculine.

I guess all in all what I'm trying to say is that yeah Izzy has been a shitty person for the most part so far, but he's dealing with a lot and trying to process through it. Like a lot of real people do on a day to day basis.

This show is about breaking the mold. It's about grabbing toxic masculinity and ripping it apart and throwing it in the trash.

It's sad to me so many people are quick to just toss Izzy aside like a one dimensional character who doesn't have his own trauma and pain. I think we’ve all made mistakes in life, things we wish we had known better than to do or say but just didn’t know any better of at the time. We should all be allowed to grow and learn and become better versions of ourselves.

Anyways, Thanks for coming to my izzy hands character development Ted Talk. I can’t say when I first watched the show that I thought I’d ever be an izzy fan but the more I dig into his character and the more I see fandom interpretations of him the more he grows on me.

[causesciencethatswhy]

The way Jikooks friendship even gets so minimised, all because JM is as close to JK as they want themselves or their self insert to be (because they don't understand/care for real Tae either) is so hurtful. Even beyond shipping, it's vile. It's also very telling how this is happening to Jimin in particular. Reeks of homophobia and a whole lot of internalised misogyny if you ask me. Same with Hoseok a lot of the time, too, especially in the Yoonmin dynamic.

The state of Army especially on twitter is...a lot to take in.

Exactly what I keep thinking. I've always considered that the vitriolic hate tkkrs/kpop fans in general have for jm is a result of internalized misogyny and I remember blinks or someone had mocked army's when they'd first brought it up because apparently men cannot be victim's of misogyny (some people need to really take a gender studies class in college is all I'm saying to that ).

Because jm presents in a more softer way that lends to feminity he also becomes the easy soft target to becoming the "other women" to their ships. It kind of made me really notice how a lot of the type of fetishisy shipper groups that you see in bl/fujoshi spaces are very similar to how tkkrs behave. The same intense hatred for the 'women'/women aligned characters and the immediate dislike for more feminine queer men is all something I've seen in fetishing bl spaces a lot.

The way jimin presents is much more obviously queer than any other member (purely based on mannerisms, cause if you hear joon or yoongi talking about love for a few minutes you can put two and two together). And his overt queerness makes a lot of cis hetero shippers (or kpop fans ) uncomfortable because they're forced to confront their internalized homophobia and misogyny head on. So they find a way to diminish his importance to the other members or villanise to cartoonish levels to deal with that discomfort.

I think the jikook suffer the worst brunt of this because jk for a majority of the fandom is the 'ideal boyfriend material' member , and that's perfectly fine as long as you're still able to see him as a full person outside of your fantasies of him. Jk obviously adores and admires jm (even if we're just looking at them as platonic besties). There should be no apparent reason to feel so threatened by jimins presence and importance in his life, except you see something There too. Except jimins queerness makes you uncomfortable and you project that onto jk.

As for the hobi thing with ynmin I honestly had no idea that he gets similar treatment in their theories (tho I'm not too surprised if that's the case).

I can barely scroll through army twt these days tbh. It's just bad takes, solo stan recruitment or ppl being dismissive of actual issues that army's should be focusing on like the kicking out 🛴 Braun from hybe, but instead being forced to debate blinks for the 100th time.

[buck-yyyy]

what do you think of boris’ sexuality? do you think he externalizes his internalized homophobia? this is a goldfinch ask !!

ohhhhh this is interesting. so sorry for answering this a couple weeks late!!

first of all—boris is 100% bisexual. he absolutely expresses attraction to both men and women throughout the book, that boy is BI.

the second part is wayyy harder. i think that it's really difficult to tell from what we know of him—since the book is obviously from theo's perspective, we can't quite get inside his head the same way we can with theo, so i'm just gonna list out some examples of his,,, varying queerness tolerance level, i guess lmao.

he's casual about suggesting that hobie may be gay, and has a very calm reaction compared to theo's immediate discomfort.

similar to theo, as a teenager, he never brings up the times they've had sex.

he's flippant about mentioning that theo is "the only boy [he's] ever been in bed with", and brushes it off as "[they] both needed girls".

that's.... it, i think. at least off the top of my head. so my conclusion, to be honest, isn't based on a whole lot of proof, as opposed simply to drawing from other aspects of his character.

from his casual usage of the N-word after spending time with kotku, who was "cool"; his conversion to islam, not because he believed in allah, but because the muslim people around him were good to him; and finally, his attempt to pretend to be jewish in order to work for mr. silver, it's really easy to point out that boris conforms to various environments with ease, something that he's had to be able to do because of how much he's moved around. he's not doing these things because of personal beliefs, ideas, or opinions, he's doing them because he's trying to blend in, or in some cases, seem "cool", whether it's intentional or not (depends on the situation). that doesn't mean that his actions are automatically morally good or even neutral, but it gives us an understanding of why he is the way he is, and why he's so different depending on where he is and what point of his life he's at.

i think from that, it would be easy to argue that perhaps boris himself has no personal issue with gay people, but he would most certainly display the same homophobia that was so typical at the time it was written: ie. he would be casual about someone he knows being gay, but he's also definitely described things as gay, or said the word faggot in a derogatory context.

i'm not entirely sure how to relate all of that back to his internalized homophobia, simply because we don't get to see what that's like for him, or if that's even a thought on his mind. i think i'd argue that, what with everything else that's happened/currently happening in his life, he doesn't care all that much. i doubt he would ever call himself bisexual, or pansexual, or any of that; we can assign those words to him because he's a book character, but it's also important to recognize that those weren't words he would've grown up using, and that would likely stick with him in ways that some younger people would interpret as queerphobic. he's simply boris, and if boris wants to kiss a man then boris wants to kiss a man and that's all the thought he'd devote to it.

so yeah. i suppose i believe that he's homophobic, but not because he hates gay people or himself for being gay. i also think that he would not devote any particularly meaningful amount of time to dissecting who he is in regards to his sexuality, simply because it's never been a particularly important part of his life or survival.

[tellthemeerkatsitsfine]

Some thoughts about Joe Lycett and David Beckham:

- I can’t say whether I would have been fooled by the initial video of him shredding money, because I didn’t know it happened until the new Got Your Back episode aired last week and summarized it all for me. A few things I’d seen around Tumblr made me vaguely aware that Joe Lycett was doing something to take on David Beckham, but Joe Lycett is always taking on someone about something, and I generally don’t bother to look into the details as it’s happening because I know if I wait a bit, he’ll tell me all about it on Joe Lycett’s Got Your Back (with some exceptions, I was all over the “incredibly right-wing” interview because that clip was hilarious). I’d probably have got more into following it if I’d actually known what he was doing, but I only saw a couple of vague references to it on Tumblr, and that was it. I guess it mainly played out via Twitter and tabloids, two things I don’t read.

- Obviously it’s not 100% altruism. Obviously every bit of attention he drew to David Beckham and homophobia in Quatar he always drew to himself. Obviously he’s built a career on getting attention via stunts like this, the fact that stunts like this bring him attention is the reason he’s so rich and successful, and keeping that up is why he did this one. But I don’t think a parallel effect that benefits him has to negate any actual good he did.

- He objectively did some amount of good because money got donated to charity. Whether the stunt did any good is up for debate, I’d say it probably did more than nothing but not that much, but even if you think it did nothing, it didn’t do harm and money got donated to a charity. The whole thing’s a net positive.

- Doing a couple of small-time gigs in Quatar for small amounts of money, as a then-relatively-small-time comedian, is obviously very very different from using your worldwide fame to tell the entire world how great this country is, knowing you’ll reach a massive international audience, in exchange for huge sums of money. Obviously. Those two things are so incredibly different that even bringing up the former is completely disingenuous.

- I’ve seen an argument (because once I actually watched the Got Your Back episode and caught up on the news, I did get into looking up what people online are saying about it, hence this post) that it’s a pity the attention was on whether Joe Lycett shredded a lot of money, rather than on horrifying human rights abuses in Quatar. That’s a good point, but that’s the fault of the tabloids that covered it, not of the stunt itself.

You can say, “Well if Joe Lycett had been less interested in the selfishly attention-grabbing stunt, he could have just talked about the issue to keep the focus on that, and donated the money without bringing shredding into it.” Yeah, he could have. Could have called up someone who works for some paper and said he has some shit to say about David Beckham, and maybe he’d have got a little interview that goes on the back page of something and no one reads it. Then attention isn’t on the issue that matters, because attention isn’t on this at all. The shredding stunt was necessary to bring lots of attention to the whole thing, too much on stuff that didn’t matter but also some on stuff that did matter, and that’s better than nothing. I can’t think of a way he could have got similar levels of attention for the issue without also doing something that would muddy the focus. You just have to hope it balances out, I guess.

- Do I think it did any good in terms of raising awareness? Well, given that I didn’t even know it happened until very recently because I don’t use Twitter or read tabloids, I’m not the best person to judge whether someone has successfully shifted public opinion. I’m guessing he probably didn’t accomplish a whole lot, I don’t think he’s ruined Beckham’s reputation or anything. But if there actually are any people out there who watched David Beckham’s weird advertisements for Quatar and just uncritically thought “Oh, that looks like a good place, look how cool David Beckham is for being there,” then would guess those are probably the sort of people who read tabloids, and Joe Lycett made sure they saw another side to it. I’m sure lots of them saw that side and said, “Fuck that virtue signalling SJW” or whatever, but a few might have said, “Oh shit, I hadn’t considered that side of things.”

I don’t know. Maybe. Like I said, I’m not exactly in tune with general public opinion. But I know I have seen a huge amount of coverage about the many, many horrifying problems with the World Cup in Quatar, and I’ve seen some people talk about how it’s fucked up that David Beckham promoted that. But I’ve see all that stuff because I am a virtue signalling SJW who follows news sources (and, you know, British topical comedy programs) that say things like that. There are other people who get their news from other sources, and consequently might not have heard so much about why this is a problem. Joe Lycett throwing this information into their news sources seems like a useful thing.

- There’s an argument that there are bigger villains than David Beckham in this, and he picked an easier target than the actual people who perpetrate human right’s abuses. Which is true, but what was he supposed to do? Sorry Joe Lycett didn’t bring down the entire Quatari government, but Joe Lycett picked a target that was within his reach – maybe at the edge of that reach, but it was there. The Quataris won’t give one fuck what Joe Lycett says about them, but David Beckham has to now, at least a bit. Enough for his people to craft a statement in reply. David Beckham makes a very good living off being a professional celebrity, and if the people who maintain his celebrity, the British public, are suddenly talking a lot about something I’m sure Beckham wishes they’d gloss over, he’s going to have to care a bit. I’d say taking on a lesser target, one of the many tiny cogs that support the larger evil, and actually managing to graze that target – that’s a hell of a lot more impressive than what I’ve done, which is nothing. Than what most people have done, which is nothing.

- On the fake shredding thing, that whole story kept making me think of that thing Cards Against Humanity did years ago, which was hilarious. They dug a massive hole and said they’d keep digging as long as people donated money. The hole was for nothing, and they announced that the money would go to nothing, they were just doing it for the hell of it (it was right after Trump got elected, some sort of statement about the pointlessness of everything). Obviously, my thought when I first read about that was that it was very funny and a good idea, but in those dark fucking times, was hard for me to get on board with the idea of accumulating lots of money and not doing good with it. Then I read their FAQ about the stunt, and one of the things it said was:

Q: Why aren't you giving all this money to charity?

A: Why aren't YOU giving all this money to charity? It’s your money.

And I had to admit they had a point. They 100% had a point. If someone sends them money for the hole, how can that person get mad if they don’t donate it to charity, when that person could have donated it in the first place? I think Cards Against Humanity did actually end up doing something good with the money, just like Joe Lycett did. But in both cases, I thought it was a fair point well made.

- As a final point… okay, I’m usually an appropriate level of cynical about people who get emotional on TV shows. I don’t even think you can call it “cynical” to understand that emotions on TV aren’t real, any more than not believing in Santa Claus is cynical. It’s just basic awareness of how television works.

Having said that, last week’s episode of Joe Lycett’s Got Your Back actually got to me a bit. I know it was planned for the narrative and everything, I know the stunt ultimately served Lycett’s career as much as it did anything else, but I think this time, I do actually believe the television person when he says this means something to him.

Joe Lycett got emotional a few times during the episode, talking about how much David Beckham’s public support for gay people had meant to him back in 2002, when public support for gay people was much lower than it is now in Britain, and celebrities risked backlash by expressing that. I’m two years younger than Joe Lycett, so was a queer teenager at around the same time he was. I’ve written before on this blog about how it was sort of an in-between time for a queer coming of age in my relatively liberal part of a Western democracy. I cannot begin to relate to the struggles of people who came out in the AIDS crisis era or earlier, and faced discrimination that I was lucky enough to never see (and by “lucky”, I mean a huge number of people fought and sometimes literally died to make that happen). But also, the world has changed a hell of a lot since I was a teenager, and I dealt with a lot of discrimination and related self-hatred that isn’t nearly as prevalent now (in my relatively liberal part of a Western democracy – that of course doesn’t hold true everywhere, which is basis for this whole situation).

I don’t know what it was like for Joe Lycett, but I remember what it was like to feel like the only queer person in the world, to be terrified to admit it to myself and unwilling to even imagine telling anyone else that I was that weird other thing that we normally only hear about as a political football or the punchline to a joke or the victim of a tragedy. I collected every bit of representation that was out there, because it did mean a lot to have examples of gays being anything good. In fiction, I had Buffy and poor quality bootlegs of The L Word. In reality, I kept track of all the gay public figures, using them as examples, even just in my own mind, that it could be okay. Even public figures that were straight but expressed public support helped me to feel better about things. It meant that not everyone saw us the same way as the kids in my class who used “gay” as their favourite insult.

So I am projecting here; like I said I have no idea what it was like for Joe Lycett. But he briefly described a teenage experience that overlapped with mine at least a little bit, of seeing David Beckham appear on a gay magazine and being relieved at the support from someone who was so venerated by mainstream society. Given everything I have to project onto that, I did feel something when Joe Lycett shredded the cover of Attitude magazine, while discussing how betrayed he felt by the guy who’d once meant so much to him.

The closing monologue to last week’s Got Your Back episode was fairly bleak. Joe Lycett acknowledged that nothing really came of his stunt, they didn’t get more from David Beckham than a prepared statement, and obviously stirring up Twitter drama has not improved any of the horrifying conditions for victims. His voice wavered just a bit during that monologue, a small enough change so I don’t think getting emotional for the cameras was in that part of the script. I think he genuinely felt upset about the futility of his best efforts, and yeah, that got to me. The Christmas special of a Channel 4 talk show about social media stunts got to to me, okay? I mean, I wasn’t in tears or anything, this isn’t It’s a Wonderful Life. But it got me a bit emotional.

It’s a good episode, is all I’m saying. If you have any interest in Joe Lycett or just in the sort of thing he does - and if you’ve bothered to read this whole post, then I assume you do - then you should watch that episode if you haven’t already.

[phantalgia]

10/6/24 - It's just bothering me...all of it

I can't take it. Just all of it. Right now my physical health feels at ease once again. Must be going through another phase in my cycles. I always wonder if these cycles will finally be the end of the health issues. Maybe one day they will.

It seems like I have tri-weekly cycles at least. As well as daily ones and maybe even hourly ones. The tri-weekly ones seem to dictate the overall state of my body. The daily ones dictate when I have goof and bad days. The hourly ones dictate the extremes. Of course, physical and mental stress play a role regardless.

But what is bothering me tonight? Well, again isolation, loneliness. The search for that someone or some people. I’m still looking for the people I’m wanting to find. They arent there, ever. Why am I doing this. I spend so much time on vrchat searching and searching. On barq searching and searching. It's like I don’t try hard enough and expect it to fall on my lap. I don’t know.

I want someone to look at me like a person and smile and tell me "it's ok, we're in this together". I guess I’m picky. I will admit. I don’t know what my type is. And I’m talking about relationships specifically. Do I want someone who can take care of themselves and is stoic? Or do I want someone who is sensitive like me and wants to feel something deeper.

I still remember the love I felt with the "goat boy". I’m calling him that because that's all I remember him as. In this goat avatar in vrchat. Maybe I need to make a longer post about him because Ive been meaning to for a while. Should I do it now? It's not all I want to write about tonighy. But I guess why not?

Goat Boy

I remember how cute he actually looked in real life. He had very cute pictures of himself in a scarf. I was scared of seeing how he looked in real life. I think it's my internalized homophobia. I hate it...it makes me partly disgusted with my feelings.

Anyway, he was so precious. I remember getting lost with him. Our dreams, hopes, and plans. He didn't believe in love at first sight. But I changed his mind I guess. It took a few days to get to know each other first.

I remember we had so many similarities with each other that we soon became good friends at least. Which kicked off everything. He was very adorable making these cute noises...they might have been vocal stims. And calling everything cute "puppy". It was just too much for me.

I remember being able to at least get close to him...as best you could in vr. Phantom sense only goes so far. But it was very intimate and intentional. I felt his presense the best I could. Physically. And it was something else. Like I felt a connection back with my soul that maybe felt a little too uncomfortable and scary.

The most beautiful thing about him was how much life he had. How much desire a dreams he had. He was just waiting for that someone in his life who had the same drives as he did. I filled that role for a bit. He told me an idea no one has ever told me before.

"We Should Work On Our Goals Together!"

Of course! How could I have not thought of that! It was the most simple yet brilliant thing. In a world where people are so focused on themselves I needed that. Someone to work on similar goals together. But uhhh...I didn't know how to do it.

I really didn't and I was too scared to reach out. Truthfully, we never worked out the kinks and plans of it. But in retrospect I have some ideas. We can keep an archive of our own progress, get into calls, share resources, maintain a wiki or makeshift wiki. Allocate practice sessions where we just hung out with each other. The love we have for each other just making our drive stronger.

Love and support is a great motivator. And for me it seemed too good to be true. Ugh...I’m crying now as I’m reciting this. He really was one in a million of a million. I tore it apart. I don’t remember what I did. I just know I self sabatoged. But I’m getting ahead of myself.

He doesn't cry much. But...there came a day where he did. You see...this hit close to home because I was an assault victim too. He was assaulted by so called "friends". And...I was the first person he came to...crying. I held him...best you could in vr. I cant remember much of anything else. Just...I kept him close. I wanted him safe. I think part of me was flabbergasted by the whole thing or in a very conflicted state with how I saw myself with him.

This caused a problem. But, I cared. I still care. I don’t want him to forget me the way I don’t forget him. I...wish he'd come back. Ugh...again. Getting ahead of myself. I self sabatoged. I don’t remember what I did. But I felt like I don’t impact people's lives, don’t deserve friends, etc. so I removed a bunch of people and regretted it.

I tried to talk to him and tell him I was sorry for going away. But his anger...my God. There is nothing more horrifying than facing such a reality that you do have an impact on people. It's something I’m still unconvinced about to some extent. But when you get hit with that reality. It's horrifying.

I have seen and had many horrifying things happen lately. But this was the most terrifying. He wasn't angry in the traditional sense. It was like a mix of anger, disappointment, heartbreak, betrayal. I just...it's so much to think and feel in retrospect. It still haunts me...I mean of course it does. I’m still looking for him and if not him then "him". I long for what we had.

I long for the joy of life he had. Maybe I just wasnt ready for it like he was. I had to learn. Get beat up a bit. Snap out of it. The demons are still there. But I want to try again...but a little bit late for that.

I won’t forget the pain I caused. It hurts me so much to this day. It was like the unbelievable became believable and instead if embracing I rejected it. I hated myself. I still do. But things have changed. Perhaps I opened up more. I don’t know. I want him back...I want to cry with him and hold him.

It's like a teenage dream. Ive been so lonely and isolated my entire life. Here comes this person to challenge it. I just could not fucking accept it. And I’m sorry for that. If the pain and fear I feel today is my punishment for taking these things for granted. So be it. I'll take it with my head high the best I can. Because I’m sorry, I take responsibility. For what I did not just to him but to everyone I screwed over. My failures now. Everything.

I wish his dreams would come true. Maybe he has a loving boyfriend, following his own goals. Whatever it is. I hope he's content. He's on the right path. I hope he's become resiliant admist this. I’m sure of it.

Maybe I don’t want to talk about anything else...maybe that's it for tonight. It's just I’m still looking for him. Again, it doesn't have to literally be him. But. Someone like him. It's been years now. I need to accept he's not coming back. But I won’t. Every day I do the same thing. Trying to find him. I don’t remember his username at all otherwise I wouldn't be having this post. And it probably changed at this point. He's gone...a memory...a ghost of a lost future.

I think the worst thing about all this is I don’t remember his fucking name or username. I hate myself for that. I'll miss him so much. Forever...I'll miss everyone. I deserved this, but he nor anyone deserves the pain that I caused.

I hope I can at least mentally keep him safe. That me thinking about him will keep him safe. Even if it means nothing. I want my buddy to do our goals with together and be bigger than ourselves.

I don’t want to call you goat boy. But I have to. I love you goat boy. I'll miss you...I hope you’re doing well. I’m done for tonight. I’m crying enough as is.

[twin-wolves-123]

long textpost incoming lol, for whoever cares

i think the thing i was least prepared for about being queer was just how fucking lonely it feels

tbh maybe lonely isn't the right word. helpless? hopeless?

When i first realized it i was in high school, and i didn't really make a big deal out of it at the time since it didn't affect my life a lot in particular-- i had a lot of other personal crap going on and the person who made me realize it ended up graduating anyway. i kind of just viewed it as a fact about me more than anything else, the same way my favorite color is a fact about me. Which is a privilege of course, i didn't really come out to anyone aside from close friends who were also out to me, but i did grow up in a pretty accepting area and was lucky enough to not particularly have internalized a shit ton of homophobia by then. but now that it's actually having a tangible impact on my life that view has definitely shifted to a more negative one.

for context, i think i've fallen a little in love with one of my close friends/roommate over the past couple of months. we've been pretty good friends for a bit over a year now, though only started rooming together at the start of this semester. he's a really great listener- sometimes he will just walk up and ask what i'm watching/doing on my laptop and let me ramble at him for however long about whatever niche interest is currently occupying my attention, he makes time to spend w/ me even if it's very spontaneous, i'm a little obsessed with his laugh/smile, and god he's so fucking smart i think it's insane. and sometimes when he's letting me infodump on him or we're just sitting together doing whatever i just get the urge to hug him or ask to cuddle and it's kind of ridiculous. I recently just got back from a fall break trip that he ended up backing out of and there was a day I was exploring the city by myself just kind of wishing he had been there with me.

issue is, aside from the obvious one, is that he is straight as hell

I'm out to him and he's very chill with it (not that I'd even be friends with him if I knew he wouldn't be), but god, what I don't really understand is how people deal with this. It's hard enough finding someone who likes you back even when your sexualities/genders DO align. i mean, it's not like things have gone perfectly with every girl i've been into up until now. And generally speaking, people are more likely to be straight than not, because... we are a minority lol. The argument often made by, say, homophobic parents of bi children is, just date women (or men, depending on who you are)! but you can't really help who you want, right? being bi in general isn't even a 50/50 split to begin with the same way all sexuality can be fluid, and it's very possible and even probable that i do lean more this way than the other (frankly it's not like i've dated enough to know). And i'm of course aware that things like dating apps and queer communities do exist, but it's not that easy to get over someone just like that, especially since i find it really difficult being into someone if I'm not already friends w them/know i get along w them well as a person first as opposed to seeking out this kind of connection on an app of some kind

so it's times like these where, as much as i've gotten out of the friendships i've made through queer communities (like on campus for example), being Not Straight just really sucks, not even necessarily because of homophobia (either from others/internalized) but simply because it's that much more miserable knowing that someone, even though they make you really happy, would never be able to view you that way, and sometimes i feel like it'd just be easier if i were straight the same way i wish i were taller, or my teeth were whiter, or other similar inconveniences that i can't change. i'll see other couples posting from trips they did together, or for national boyfriend day, or whatever, and it's just that feeling of one day, he'll be doing the same thing with someone he loves and i won't have any part to play in that, because i'll just be watching distantly online wishing it could've been me instead.

and of course it doesn't really help that i really struggle with making friends and am not socially perceptive at all and am often mentally hung up on small social interactions, him being no exception (quite the opposite actually, in general he shows slightly less emotion in conversation than the average person), so a lot of the time i'm stuck wondering whether he really even likes me as a friend at all or is just putting up with me for the sake of politeness.

Anyways. obviously this will pass (i think? regardless of the fact that it usually takes forever for me) but it still just fucking sucks and makes me wish i didn't have to deal with it at all

[cheapcigarbunnies]

Plenty of people have pointed this out before but I am Once Again thinking about how in fan content rosemary so often gets delegated the role of "emotionally competent established relationship" to contrast against and serve as wizened romance oracles for ~uwu disaster boys~ davekat

If we're being generous I might say there's a certain sweetness to them being written as like, a shining gay lighthouse for other ships to navigate by—that they're so obviously meant to be together it's a foregone conclusion. There's a degree of power fantasy behind two queer teens being very confidently in love! But it also completely flattens out their dynamic, and Rose and Kanaya's individual characters as they're actually portrayed. It also takes the mutualism that should be present in Rose & Dave and Kanaya & Karkat's friendships and sweeps it under the rug.

I mean, just look at this A6I3 scene.

The meteor crew has been living together for 2 years(!), and Rose and Kanaya have been coyly unsubtly-yet-shyly dancing around their feelings the whole time. And it culminates in this goddamn disaster.

If the person in the room with the most social acumen is Dave then things have gone pear-shaped. Which is not to say he doesn't have his moments—I'm reminded of a snippet from a much earlier conversation he has with John about John's maybe-crush on Vriska:

which is then mirrored to a degree waaaaay later during one of the post-retcon lilypad chats about John's maybe-crush on Roxy:

These are just genuinely sweet, earnest (if teasing) emotional inquiries. And while Dave is definitely more inclined to shoot straight with John than with Rose, I can't help but think some similar exchanges would have happened at some point in the two years prior to the frustration of the A6I3 scene.

Meanwhile we have Karkat "I heard you were talking about quadrants, so I decided to pause my tantrum" Vantas, who in no uncertain terms would be fucking honored to listen to any and all of Kanaya's romantic woes. That really doesn't require any screenshot evidence, but I found this one and it's too damn cute to not include (a lilypad convo where Kanaya had just given an insightful analysis of Vriska's...issues):

All this is to say—my ideal rosemary-davekat dynamic is such: in this corner we have Rose "mommy issues" Lalonde and Kanaya "chronic friendzone" Maryam, they've been flirting since the day they met, and yet neither one can actually quite believe the other likes them Like That. And in this corner we have Dave "internalized homophobia" Strider and Karkat "flavored blasted self-loathing" Vantas, who are in all ways but physical playing shopping cart bumper-cars in a Wendy’s parking lot. Everyone is doing the spiderman pointing meme.

[beetlepuff]

This!!!

Both so valid

And while im on team Tatum, Alicia makes Leighton very happy. She was her first love and thats always gonna be special.

Also can we talk about how in character it is for Leighton to freak after her first big fight w Tatum, end things, and then go running back to Alicia? Like thats so her.

The issue i had with how this played out was the “maybe dating you has made me realize that the things we have in common are the things i want to change about myself” like what the actual fuck was that.

A) i dont believe that to be true. Look at how smitten they are. The main reason Leighton liked Tatum in the first place is because of how similar they are (it did turn into more than that later tho !!). They get each other in a way that her and Alicia never could, coming from such similar backgrounds. Also let’s be real Leighton is obsessed with how secure Tatum is ab herself, and she tries to be like that too, because of her. She doesn’t want Tatum to change, and she doesn’t want to change every aspect of herself that reminds her of Tatum.

And B) Tatum was acting just like how Leighton did when she first came to the women’s center. Maybe Leighton was even worse. Now shes grown to love it and it’s special to her, but that wasn't always the case. Also if Tatum had made the make crafts like mental patients comment Leighton would’ve blown up on her so hard. And im not saying that to call Leighton out for being mean, thats her character, we’ve accepted it, it’s not an attack on her friends, and the audience knows that; but she should be more understanding of the fact that Tatum is the same way. Like quietly calling things ugly at a party/event they’re both at is probably something they’ve done before and have been fine with, its just the fact that it was about leighton’s friends that was wrong for her. So instead of snapping and saying what she said, she should’ve just been like: “okay. I know this isn't your scene and you wanna leave, and i get it, i was like that too when i first came here. But I’ve really grown to love this place, it’s where i first started to really accept myself i guess and i would appreciate it if you went a little easier on it. Because believe it or not these are my friends and (blah blah)” idk im not a writer (clearly), but you get the idea. Because if she explained why she was reacting the way she did, Tatum would’ve gotten it and made an effort ( “if thats what you’re into, own it” + her not saying anything ab Leighton wanting to be a kappa so bad even tho she doesn't like kappa ). On the other hand, if you tell someone that if they want to leave you will leave and even give them a safe word, let them use it and leave.

Like please it would’ve all turned out so good if they had communicated or compromised just a smidge more 😭!

But yeah anyways i got side-tracked

PS: i dont understand why people are hating on Alicia so much? well i do, i just disagree

What went down between tatum and leighton had nothing to do with Alicia, and she didnt “creep around” them while they were together like some people have been saying.

Put it in her point of view. She’s really into this girl she dating (i dont remember if they said I love you sry) but she feels like shes getting dragged back into the closet with her. She respects her not being out but has to put herself first and ends things with her because being with someone with that much internalized homophobia is bad for her mental health. She’s come so far she cant go back down that road again. But never does she stop loving leighton. It really wasnt about her. Fast forward she finds out that that girl is out and proud now, through her friends have hooked up with her nonetheless. As far as shes concerned, Leighton’s out and single, and there’s still underlying feelings in there somewhere so she asks her to talk. Might as well shoot her shot yk. Then when they meet up, she learns that Leighton has a girlfriend now (thats gotta sting). And she’s fine being out with her, which Alicia takes personally, hence the “you’re going out with her in public? You have changed murray” comment. While it wasn’t about her, it was about leighton being ready to come out in general, its understandable that she got defensive and took it as a i wasn't good enough for her sorta thing. But whatever she cant backtrack now its too late, so she says that leighton should bring her new girl and that she looks forward to meeting her, even if she’s lying through her teeth. Then at the party she’s left in an uncomfortable situation with her ex that she still has feelings for, and the girl her ex is dating. She’s still gonna be nice and be herself and try and make friends with both of them. So she does. Nothing about the way she acts at the fundraiser was predatory, territorial, or creepy in any way. She was trying to be a friend to a girl she still cares about. 

Later at the party, yes she shouldn’t have kissed her when she thought she was still together with leighton, there’s no defending that. But she backtracked, and she apologized, because it was out of impulse. And when leighton encouraged her, she asked about Tatum, because she wasn't going to help her cheat.

Therefore: stop hating on Alicia, shes a victim of circumstance not a bad person !!

For the record, both Alicia's and Tatum's reactions/feelings about Leighton not being out are valid.

Alicia not wanting to be pulled back into the closet by someone so fiercely closeted that they blew up at her for posting a picture they weren't even in, wherein they were afraid someone would recognize something that belonged to them - like that paranoid and afraid - is understandable. Like that's triggering and it would feel regressive to be with someone like that if you've come out already. And let's recall Leighton wasn't out to anyone yet and her internalized homophobia was at its peak. Alicia was right.

Tatum telling Leighton there's no timeline in coming out and not applying the pressure on her to do so (to her family) or making her feel bad was wonderful. Then again, I'd expect as much cause as she pointed out, they literally only just started dating. Tatum was right.

Leighton is out at school now. She's out to her friends now. She can openly date girls. Tatum doesn't have to feel like Leighton's dirty little secret or completely cut off from her social life. This is a very different relationship that does not compare to what Alicia experienced and it's not fair to compare the two, especially to shame Alicia.

[pennylaneforthoughts]

All right the English major in me is coming out to bat, and I can hold it in no longer because my whole darn Honors thesis is on Shakespeare.

So while acknowledging that this is all speculation bc we can't actually know unless Tom and Owen tell us what's up, here's my two cents on the weird Two Gentlemen of Verona thing Tom and Owen evidently have going on.

First of all, y'all should know that it's Hella Weird that this is the play that Owen can quote the first line of. And the reason is that it's Shakespeare's literal worst play. Like not even kidding it's so bad. It's an important play for Shakespeare scholars bc it's his first play, and in it you can see the precursors to his later, much better works like Romeo and Juliet. A sandbox of sorts. But especially in comparison to the rest of his work, it's Really Bad. And because of this, it's not very well known at all, and my Shakespeare professor actively recommended that we not read it for our optional comedy to study.

Let me break it down for y'all.

Basic plot is you've got Valentine and Proteus who have a very homoerotic relationship (if you recall Owen quoting the first line, it's literally Valentine saying "cease to persuade, loving Proteus") but one which is Toxic As Hell, for which Proteus is at fault, stemming from some intense internalized homophobia imo. Valentine leaves Verona, inviting Proteus to come with him, but Proteus is too busy with his fiancée Julia and says no. So off Valentine goes, and he meets the beautiful Silvia and falls in love with her instantly, as you do, but her dad doesn't like it much. Proteus decides he misses his Bro and ditches Julia to go after him. Upon finding Valentine with Silvia, he gets pissed and decides he wants Silvia for himself (tho you could argue this is out of internalized homophobia fueled jealousy) and purposefully gets Silvia's dad to banish Valentine. Sucks to be Proteus tho bc Silvia is Not into him and says as much to a disguised Julia who's followed her deadbeat fiancé and found him with this other girl. Silvia loves Valentine tho so she goes off with Proteus and disguised Julia to go find him where he was banished. Proteus doesn't like this tho and right before they find Valentine, he tries to force himself on her. Thankfully he's stopped by Valentine, but there's a really weird line where Valentine either says "whatever if you want her that bad take her" or "all the love I have for her is yours" depending on how you read it. Either way, it's not great bc it glosses over the whole non-con issue from like 2 minutes ago, Julia also reveals herself and then they go "oh yay we're all here now let's get married" and then Valentine ends up with Silvia and Proteus ends up with Julia.

And like, people have mentioned before that you could technically draw a parallel with Sylvie and Silvia bc their names are similar, and that it's kinda like Loki and Mobius bc Valentine leaves Proteus to go after Silvia, and there's the homoerotic implications for Lokius, but really that's where the similarities stop, and comparing Mobius to Proteus is just an insult to Mobius' character tbh.

If we're gonna draw Shakespeare parallels, we could make a much more compelling argument with Twelfth Night (the m/f twin connection is right there) or even Hamlet or Much Ado About Nothing than with Two Gentlemen, so it doesn't make much sense for Tom and Owen to have this inside joke directly related to the Loki series.

And not only is the play deeply problematic as I've illustrated above, it's also poorly written. It's a bad play y'all. That's why nobody knows it. So there is No Way that of all the Shakespeare plays to want to do, Owen Wilson, who has himself said that he has no real familiarity with the Bard other than a college Shakespeare class, would pick Two Gentlemen as his dream Shakespeare production. It makes exactly zero sense whatsoever. (He'd be much, much more suited for a role like Benedick in Much Ado imo)

We do know, however, that Owen is excellent at improvising and likes joking around and messing with people. So I imagine that rather than being a secret lokius joke, it came into being by way of an interaction along these lines:

Tom: So have you ever played Hamlet?

Owen, shook and kinda laughing: Nah, it's not really my typecast so I've never had the opportunity.

Tom, wanting to be encouraging: Aw I'm sure you'd be great in the role! Though I am curious, if you were to be in any Shakespeare play, what would it be?

Owen, wracking his brain for buried play titles from college like thirty years ago: uhhh Two Gentlemen of Verona, maybe???????

Tom, a Shakespeare nerd who knows the play, suddenly Very concerned but polite: oh,,,, is that so?

Owen, noticing the confusion but deciding it'll be funnier to roll with it: yeah I think it's a really compelling story. One of Shakespeare's finest works if you ask me.

Tom, visibly shaking and in a cold sweat: r-really?,,,??,

Owen, busting up laughing: sskdjskksk no not at all! I know like nothing about Shakespeare, cmon. I was Lightning McQueen! I just vaguely remember reading that play in college.

Tom, sighing in relief: oh thank God I was so worried. That's the worst one!

Owen, amused: is it?

Tom, going into professor mode: well you see--

And so it probably became like a "I'm pretending to be pretentious and cultured" sort of inside joke that played a part in their bonding as coworkers and snuck its way into the documentary bc they thought it'd be funny, and they were right. Tbh the way they talked about it sounded a lot like my and my friends riffing on plays in my Shakespeare class, so I'm inclined to believe that that's what they're doing here.

[potteresque-ire]

Happy Pride! 🏳️‍🌈  (June is Pride Month where I am 😊) For the occasion, may I recommend this animated musical short, 秘密港 Safe Haven, by the Beijing Queer Chorus (北京酷兒合唱團)? Published on the International Day Against Homophobia, Transphobia and Biphobia (IDAHOBIT; May 17th, 2021),  the animation, with its lovely (and at times, heartbreaking) song, is about a queer person and their friend who tries to offer their support. The lyrics is English-subbed.

(Below the cut: a wish for the c-queer community; conception of Safe Haven, as explained by the Beijing Queer Chorus; CW/TW for homophobia, violence and forced abortion)

Background for my wish: with the recent Chinese government’s aggressive turnaround in its population control policy to combat its declining birth rate—on 2021/05/31, China further lifted the cap of number of children allowed per couple from 2 to 3 (the number was 1 for almost four decades, 1978-2015; the population control measure has therefore been colloquially called the “One Child Policy”), younger generations of Chinese are already feeling the pressure and fearing the consequences of non-compliance (for example, if the state levies heavy fines on non-child-bearers).   

While I have not yet read articles that directly connect the major policy shift with the c-queer community, I imagine it may bring both relief and additional challenges. The relief will likely take time to come; the challenges, meanwhile,  will likely be immediate. 

This has to do with the root of antagonism against homosexuality in Chinese societies. Unlike in their Western counterparts, Chinese queers have consistently reported that family, instead of societal, pressure as the greatest challenge they face (societal pressure includes that from religion, from government etc). C-queers are expected to abide to the heteronormative traditions of opposite-sex marriage and child-bearing, in a collectivistic, conformist environment still strongly influenced by the Confucian notion that continuing the bloodline is the primary responsibility of a filial child. Men, especially, are under heavy pressure to carry on their family surname. Those who fail to do so are seen as irresponsible at best, moral failures at worst. They suffer anything and everything from constant nagging from their relatives, to ostracisation, to disownment. 

A better known consequence of this cultural antagonism against homosexuality in the tragic Tongqi (同妻 “homo-wives”) phenomenon that is, perhaps, unique to China. 

Tongqi are straight women who unknowingly entered marriage with closeted gay man, who often learn about their spouse’s sexuality only after the filial obligation of having children has been fulfilled. It’s a form of marriage fraud; women who file for divorce, however, are likely to lose custody of their child(ren) under Chinese laws, and so many of them keep mum. The gay men involved are also victims in many cases; the lack of public, open education and discussion of queer topics in the country mean even the queers themselves may not have a full understanding of their own queerness, believe that “straightening” themselves is something they can do with sufficient willpower and love for their family. 

As one may expect, these marriages are mostly unsatisfying; psychiatric issues and intimate partner violence (IPV), which include verbal, emotional and physical abuse, have also been frequently reported. Just how prevalent are Tongqi’s in China that, in turn, reflect how many gay men in China are pressured to remain in the closet and get married? The following numbers may serve as comparison. In 2010, the percentage of gay men married to heterosexual women in the US was 15-25%. In China and in 2018, meanwhile, the reowned Chinese sexologist, sociologist and LGBT rights activist, Li Yinhe (李銀河), quoted an estimate of 80% of China’s ~ 20 million gay men were married to heterosexual wives; i.e. the Tongqi population amounted to ~16 million. Literature has reported a similar estimated size of the Tongqi population—at 13+ million, in 2016. 

(Reason for the numbers being estimates: the exact size of the c-queer community isn’t known. China’s decennial census questionnaire from late last year (2020) once again excluded questions about its own LGBT+ community. "Room mate” is how many c-queers have to refer to their partners).

While the Chinese government decriminalised homosexuality in 1997 and its current laws carry no clauses that target the queer community—the official stance of Chinese government on homosexuality is currently 不支持，不反對，不提倡 “not supporting, not opposing, not advocating”—what may seem to be its non-queer-related policies have indirectly but majorly impacted the lives of c-queers. In particular, the “One Child Policy” has been hypothesised to exacerbate the challenge faced by c-queers, as the only child becomes the sole “next generation” available for producing grandchildren and extending the family bloodline. 

Hence, my expectation / hope that the relaxation of "One Child Policy”, by lifting the cap on the number of children a couple can have, will bring relief to the LGBT+ population—even if the relief will only come years down the road, as the newer generations of c-queers will then have siblings to share their filial responsibilities. 

However, this also explains my worry for now, for the immediate months and years to come, for not only c-queers but the younger generations of Chinese in general. My worry is about how, exactly, the state intends to drive its birth rate upward, and the hardship the new policies may bring. 

The practices of China’s population control policies have historically been brutal. Forced, late-term abortions were common, for example. This is reflected in the country’s birth control propaganda banners, commonly seen in Chinese villages until late 2000s, which were infamous for their verbal violence:

“Beat it out! Abort it! Miscarry it! Just cannot give birth to it!”

Fines, which were levied on offenders of the One Child Policy, may seem like a better option but can place an unbearable burden on poorer families, of which there remain many in China. Premier Li Keqiang reported, in May 2020, that >40% of China’s population—600 million—are living with a monthly income of ~$140 USD or below, despite the glitz often seen in the country’s entertainment productions. Using One Child Policy era fines for reference, the famous Chinese director 張藝謀 Zhang Yimou was fined 7.48 million RMB (~$1.17 million USD) for his three children, in 2013. Defying the new population control policies may therefore be a privilege reserved for the very powerful and very rich. And the government is likely to be aggressive in enforcing its new policies—the social media accounts of > 20 feminist activists, who advocate for reproductive freedom among other women’s rights, have already been shut down in the recent weeks. 

Will the Chinese government find ways to penalise members of the queer community who do not contribute to the new baby count? Will it turn a blind(er) eye to the Tongqi 同妻 (and to a lesser extent, Tongfu 同夫 ~ heterosexual men married to lesbian women) tragedies happening every day? It’s impossible to say yet.

For this year, therefore, I wish the c-queer community this—I wish it to be safe from the reach of China’s population control policies, whatever they will be. 

Back to the animated short, Safe Haven, which is about coming out. In 2016, a 18,000 people survey by the United Nations Development Programme reported only 5% of Chinese queers had come out to people outside their families. Only 15% have come out to their families. A more recent survey reports a significant improvement in these percentages, with ~50% of gays, bisexuals and transgenders and 70% of lesbians having come out to their families (Table 2). Fully out queers remain rare (<10%).

There’s still, therefore, a long way to go. With queers often being out (if they’re out at all) only to their most immediate/intimate social circles, with the state’s censorship of LGBT+ presentation in visual media, many (especially older generations of) non-queers in China haven’t seen a living, breathing, outwardly queer person before. The process of coming out, by extension—what it means, what it takes for both the giver and receiver of the message—may have never entered the thoughts of these non-queers before.

What should they say? What should they do? What words and actions will convey support? What won’t?

Safe Haven is about these questions. I’ll end this post with a translation of the Weibo post in which the animated short was first published, in which Beijing Queer Chorus explained the project’s conception:

#517 IDAHOBIT# Do you remember how it was like, the first time you came out of the closet, or someone came out of the closet to you? Who was that person? What did you say at the time, and how did that person react?

The person who voluntarily exposes their heart requires courage. The person who receives the message may have their own heart filled with unease. 

Maybe, both are thinking: “What should I do?”

Coming out is such an important occasion. It can, perhaps, change a relationship forever.

Some will welcome warmth and hugs. Some others will get their first taste of homophobia. Yet some others will find neither.

After a queer person came out to their friend, they got, in return, “Don’t worry. I’ll still treat you as a friend.” It made them uncomfortable for a long time. But their straight family and friends didn’t understand. How could this be not a kind thing to say?

What is gay-friendly? What is homophobic? It appears that everyone has their own standards. The same words and behaviours transmit warmth to some, deep offence to others.

So, when we’re talking about “homophobia”, what are we talking about?

To commemorate this years #517 IDAHOBIT#, the Beijing Queer Chorus interviewed its tens of members and their relatives and friends, in hopes of investigating the difference in perspectives between homosexuals and straight people. How can this barrier be crossed, how can they work together to take care of the valuable relationships.

In the stories of all interviewees, a warmth like this can be felt: even with the risks, there remain those who are brave enough to display their true self; even with the misunderstandings, there remain those willing to keep the secrets of others, willing to learn to understand a whole new world.

We condensed these stories into an original, animated musical short, Safe Haven.

We hope every boat riding the winds and waves can find a harbour to unload their secrets. We also hope every person has enough gentle strength to be the safe haven for others. 

We offer our best wishes to every queer who lets their heart be seen ~ may your courage reap its rewards.

We thank every friend and family who have treated these hidden matters of the heart seriously. You make the world a better place.

[samwisethewitch]

Coping with religious trauma

CONTENT WARNING: THIS POST CONTAINS DISCUSSIONS OF MENTAL ILLNESS, TRAUMA RECOVERY, AND HOMOPHOBIA. The advice in this post is intended for an adult audience, not for those who are legal minors.

A lot of people find their way to paganism after having traumatic experiences with organized religion, especially in countries like the United States, where 65% of the population identifies as Christian. (This number is actually at an all-time low — historically, the percentage has been much higher.) Paganism, which is necessarily less dogmatic and hierarchical than the Abrahamic religions, offers a chance to experience religion without having to fit a certain mold. This can be extremely liberating for people who have felt hurt, abused, or ignored by mainstream religion.

To avoid making generalizations that might offend people, I’ll share my own story as an example.

My family joined the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, better known as the Mormons, when I was nine years old. The Mormons are an extremely conservative sect of evangelical Christianity that places a heavy emphasis on maintaining a strong community that upholds their religious values. The problem with that is that Mormon values are inherently racist, sexist, homophobic, and transphobic. As a teenager in the Mormon Church, I was told that as a woman, my only purpose in life was to marry a (Mormon) man and raise (Mormon) children. I was discouraged from pursuing a college education if it meant delaying marriage. I was not allowed to participate in the full extent of religious ritual because I was not a man. I was not allowed to express myself in ways that went against Mormon culture, and I kept my bisexuality secret for fear I would be ostracized. I didn’t have any sort of support system outside the Church, which inevitably made the mental health issues that come with being a queer woman in a conservative Christian setting much, much worse.

I left the Mormons when I was seventeen, and by that time I had some major issues stemming from my time in the Church. I had been extremely depressed and anxious for most of my teen years. I struggled with internalized misogyny and homophobia. I had very low self-esteem. I had anxiety around sex and sexuality that would take years of therapy and self-work to overcome. I wanted to form a connection with the divine, but I wasn’t sure if I was worthy of such a connection.

I was attracted to paganism, specifically Wicca, because it seemed like everything Mormonism wasn’t. Wicca teaches equality between men and women, with a heavy focus on the Goddess in worship. It places an emphasis on doing what is right for you, as long as it doesn’t harm anyone else. It encourages sexuality and healthy sexual expression. Learning about Wicca, and later other types of paganism, helped me develop the kind of healthy spirituality I’d never experienced as a Mormon. Although Wicca is no longer the backbone of my religious practice, it was a necessary and deeply healing step on my spiritual journey.

I’m not sharing my story to gain sympathy or to make anyone feel bad — I’m sharing it because my situation is not an uncommon one in pagan circles. The vast majority of pagans are converts, meaning they didn’t grow up pagan. Some had healthy upbringings in other faiths, or no faith at all, and simply found that paganism was a better fit for them. Others, like myself, had deeply traumatic experiences with organized religion and are attracted to paganism because of the freedom, autonomy, and empowerment it offers.

If you fall into this latter category, this post is for you. Untangling the threads of religious trauma can be an extremely difficult and overwhelming task. In this post, I lay out six steps to recovery based on my own experiences and those of other people, both pagan and non-pagan, who have lived through religious trauma.

While following these steps will help jumpstart your spiritual healing, it’s important to remember that healing is not a linear process — especially healing from emotional, mental, and spiritual trauma. You may have relapses, you may feel like you’re moving in circles, and you may still have bad days in five or ten years. That’s okay. That’s part of the healing process. Go easy on yourself, and let your journey unfold naturally.

Step One: Cut all ties with the group that caused your trauma

Or, at least, cut as many ties as reasonably possible.

Obviously, if you’re still participating in a religious organization that has caused you pain, the first step is to leave! But before you do, make sure you have an exit plan to help you disengage safely and gracefully.

To make your exit plan, start by asking yourself what the best, worst, and most likely case scenarios are, and be honest in your answers. Obviously, the best case scenario is that you leave, everyone accepts it, and all is well. The worst case scenario is that someone tries to prevent you from leaving — you may be harassed by missionaries or concerned churchgoers, for example. But what is the most likely case scenario? That depends on the religious community, their beliefs, and how involved you were in the first place. When making your exit plan, prepare for the most likely scenario, but have a backup plan in case the worst case scenario happens.

Once you’ve prepared yourself for the best, worst, and most likely outcomes, choose a friend, significant other, or family member who can help you make your exit. Ideally, this person is not a member of the group you are trying to leave. Their role is mainly to provide emotional support, although they may also need to be willing to run off any well-meaning missionaries who come calling. This person can also help you transition after you leave. For example, you might make a plan to get coffee with them every week during the time your old religious community holds worship services.

Finally, make your strategy for leaving. Choose a date and don’t put it off! If you have any responsibilities within the group, send in a letter of resignation. Figure out who you’ll need to have conversations with about your leaving — this will likely include any family members or close friends who are still part of the group. Schedule those conversations. Make sure to have them in public places, where people will be less likely to make a scene.

If you feel it is necessary, you may want to request that your name be removed from the group’s membership records so you don’t get emails, phone calls, or friendly visits from them in the future. You may not feel the need to do this, but if contact with the group triggers a mental health crisis, this extra step will help keep you safe.

Of course, it’s not always possible to completely cut ties with a group after leaving. You may have family members, a significant other, or close friends who are still members. If this is the case, you’ll need to establish some clear boundaries. Politely but firmly tell them that, although you’re glad their faith adds value to their lives, you are not willing to be involved in their religious activities. Let them know that this is what is best for your mental and emotional health and that you still value your relationship with them.

Try to make compromises that allow you to preserve the relationship without exposing you to a traumatic religious environment. For example, if your family is Christian and always spends all day on Christmas at church, offer to celebrate with them the day after, once their religious commitments are over.

Hopefully, your loved ones can respect these boundaries. If not, you may need to distance yourself or walk away altogether. If they are knowingly undermining your attempts to take care of yourself, they don’t deserve to be in your life.

During this time, you may find it helpful to read other people’s exit stories online or in books. One of my personal favorites is the book Girl at the End of the World by Elizabeth Esther. Hearing other people’s stories can help you remember that other people have been through similar situations and made it out on the other side. You will too.

Step Two: Seek professional help

I cannot overstate the importance of professional counseling when dealing with trauma of any kind, including religious trauma. Therapists and counselors have the benefit of professional training. They are able to be objective, since they’re approaching the situation from the outside. They can keep you from getting bogged down in your own thoughts and feelings.

I understand that not everyone has access to therapy. I am very lucky to have insurance that covers mental health counseling, but I know not everyone has that privilege. However, there are some options that make therapy more affordable.

There may be an organization in your area that offers free or low-cost therapy — if you live in the U.S., you can find information about these services by checking the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) HelpLine or visiting mentalhealth.gov. You can also look for therapists who use a sliding scale for payment, which means they determine an hourly rate based on the client’s income. And finally, if you have a little bit of extra cash you may want to look into therapy apps like BetterHelp or Talkspace, which are typically cheaper than in-person therapy.

If none of those options work for you, the next best option is to join a support group. Support groups allow you to connect with other people whose experiences are similar to yours and, unlike therapy, they allow you to get advice and feedback from multiple people. These groups are often free, although some charge a small fee.

Finding the right group for you is important. You’re unlikely to find a group for people recovering from religious trauma but, depending on the nature of your trauma, you may fit right in with a grief and loss group, an addiction recovery group, or a group for adult survivors of child abuse. If you’re a member of the LGBTQ+ community, you may be able to find a queer support group. (The LGBTQ+ club at my college was an invaluable resource in my recovery!) Depending on your area, you may also be able to find groups for specific mental and emotional issues like depression or anxiety.

Make sure to do your research before attending a meeting. Find out what, if anything, the group charges, who can join, and whether they use a curriculum or have unstructured sessions. See if you can find a statement about their values and philosophy. Make a note of where meetings are held and of who is running the group. Some support groups meet in churches and may or may not have a religious element to their curriculum. It’s best to avoid religious groups — the last thing you need right now is to be preached to.

Getting other people involved in your recovery will make you feel less alone and prevent you from getting stuck in your own head. A good therapist, counselor, or support group can help you realize what you need to work on and give you ideas for how to approach it.

Step Three: Deprogramming

“Deprogramming” refers to the practice of undoing brainwashing and reintroducing healthy thought patterns. This term is normally used in the context of cult survivors and their recovery, but deprogramming techniques can also be helpful for people recovering from a lifetime of toxic religious rhetoric.

To begin the process of deprogramming, familiarize yourself with the way organizations use thought control to shape the behavior of their members. I recommend starting with the work of Steven Hassan — his BITE model is a handy way to classify types of thought control.

The BITE model lays out four types of control. There’s Behavior Control, which controls what members do and how they spend their free time. (For example, requiring members to attend multiple hours-long meetings each week.) There’s Information Control, which restricts members’ access to information. (For example, denying certain aspects of the group’s history.) There’s Thought Control, which shapes the way members think. (For example, classifying certain thoughts as sinful or dirty.) And finally there’s Emotional Control, which manipulates members’ emotions. (For example, instilling fear of damnation or punishment.)

Here’s a simple exercise to get you started with your deprogramming. Divide a blank sheet of paper into four equal sections. Label one section “Behavior,” one “Information,” one “Thought,” and one “Emotions.” Now, in each section, make a list of the ways your old religious group controlled — and maybe still controls — that area of your life. Once you’ve completed your lists, choose a single item from one of your lists to work on undoing.

For example, let’s say that in your “Information” column, you’ve written that you were discouraged from reading certain books because they contained “evil” ideas. (For a lot of people, this was Harry Potter. For me, it was The Golden Compass.) Pick up one of those books, and read it or listen to it as an audiobook. Once you’ve read it, write down your thoughts. Did you enjoy it? Why or why not? Why do you think your group banned it? What was in this book that they didn’t want you to know about? Write it down.

Once you’ve worked on the first thing, choose something else. Keep going until you’ve undone all the items on your lists.

If you want to go further with deprogramming, I recommend the book Recovering Agency by Luna Lindsey. Although this book is specifically written for former Mormons, I genuinely believe it would be helpful to former members of other controlling religious groups as well. Lindsey does an excellent job of explaining how thought control works and of connecting it to real world examples, as well as deconstructing those ideas. Her book has been a huge help in my recovery process, and I highly recommend it.

Step Four: Replace toxic beliefs and practices with healthy ones

This goes hand-in-hand with step three, and if you’re already working on deprogramming then you’ll already have started replacing your unhealthy beliefs. This is the turning point in the recovery process. You’re no longer just undoing what others have done to you — now you get an opportunity to decide what you want to believe and do going forward. This is the time to let go of things like denial of your desires, fear of divine punishment, and holding yourself to unattainable standards. Get used to living in a way that makes you happy, without guilt.

Notice how each step builds on the previous steps. Therapy and deprogramming can help you identify what beliefs and behaviors need to be adjusted or replaced. Your therapist, support group, and/or emotional support person can help you make these changes and follow through on them.

These new beliefs and practices don’t have to be religious — in fact, it’s better if they aren’t. If you can live a healthy, happy, balanced life without religion, you’ll be in a better position to choose a religion that is the right fit for you, if that is something you want.

Your new healthy, non-religious practices may include: mindfulness meditation, nature walks, journaling, reading, exercise, energy work, learning a hobby or craft, or spending time with loves ones — or it might include none of these things, and that’s okay too. Now is the time to find what brings you joy and start doing it every day.

Step Five: Ritual healing

This is an optional step, but it’s one that has been deeply healing for me. You may find it helpful to design and perform a ritual to mark your recovery.

Note that when I say “ritual,” I don’t necessarily mean magic. Rituals serve a psychological purpose as well as a spiritual one. They can act as powerful symbolic events that mark a turning point in our lives or reinforce what we already know and believe. Even if you don’t believe in magic, even if you’re the least spiritual person you know, you can still benefit from ritual.

You might choose to perform a ritual to finalize your healing, or to symbolically throw off the chains of your old religion. It can be elaborate or simple, long or short, joyful or solemn. It might include lighting a candle and saying a few words. It might include ecstatic dance. It might include drawing or painting a representation of all the negative emotions associated with your old religion, then ritually destroying it. The possibilities are literally endless. (If you’re looking for ritual ideas, I recommend the book Light Magic for Dark Times by Lisa Marie Basile.)

One type of ritual that some people find very empowering is unbaptism. An unbaptism is exactly what it sounds like — the opposite of a baptism. The idea is that, if a baptism makes a Christian, an unbaptism makes someone un-Christian, no longer part of that lineage. It is a ritual rejection of Christianity. (Obviously, this only applies if you’re a former Christian, though some of the following suggestions could be adjusted to fit a rejection of other religions.)

If you’re interested in unbaptism, here are some ideas for how it could be done:

A classic method of unbaptism is to recite the Lord’s Prayer backwards under a full moon. (For a non-Christians version, use a significant prayer from whatever religion you have left.)

Run a bath. Add a tiny pinch of sulfur (a.k.a. brimstone) to the water. Get into the bath and say, “By water I was baptized, and by water my baptism is rejected.” Submerge your entire body under the water for several seconds. When you come back up, your unbaptism is complete. (You may want to shower after this one. Sulfur does not smell good.)

The Detroit Satanic Temple has a delightfully dramatic unbaptism ritual. For a DIY version, you will need holy water or some other relic from the faith you were baptized in, a fireproof dish, a black candle, and an apple or other sweet fruit. Light the candle and place it in your fireproof dish. Toss some holy water onto the flame (not enough to extinguish it) and say, “I cast my chains into the dust of hell.” Take a bite of the apple and say, “I savor the fruit of knowledge and disobedience.” Finally, declare proudly, “I am unbaptized.” You can add “in the name of Satan” at the end or leave it out, depending on your comfort level.

Personally, I’ve never felt the need to unbaptize myself. I’ve ritually rejected my Mormon upbringing in other ways. Maybe someday I’ll decide to go for the unbaptism, but I’ve never really felt like I needed it. Likewise, you’ll need to decide for yourself what ritual(s) will work for you.

Step Six: Honor your recovery

Our first reaction to trauma is to hide it away and never speak of it again. When we do this, we do ourselves a disservice. Your recovery is a part of your life story. You had the strength to walk away from a situation that was hurting you, and that deserves to be celebrated! Be proud of yourself for how far you’ve come!

You may choose to honor your recovery by celebrating an important date every year, like the day you decided to leave the group, the date of the last meeting you attended, or the date you were removed from the membership records. Keep this celebration fun and light — get drinks with friends, bake a cake for yourself, or just take a few moments to silently acknowledge your journey.

If you feel like having a party is a bit much, you can also honor your recovery by talking to other people about your experiences. Share your story with others. If you’re feeling shy, try sharing your story anonymously online. (Reddit has several forums specifically for anonymous stories.) You’ll be amazed by how validating it can be to tell people what you’ve been through. `

Another way to honor your recovery is to work for personal and religious freedom for all people. Protest laws with religious motivations. Donate to organizations that campaign for the separation of church and state. Educate people about how to recognize an unhealthy religious organization. Let your own story motivate you to help others who are in similar situations.

And most of all, take joy in your journey. Be proud of yourself for how far you’ve come, but know that your recovery is a lifelong journey. Be gentle and understanding with yourself. You are doing what is right for you, and no god or spirit worthy of worship could ever be upset by that.

[st-theskaterdude-blog]

Thanks for the answer.

Trista is great. I'm always super excited to see more Black mutants get page time that isn't just Storm or Bishop when people aren't using him as a Cable stand-in.

Ewing is an Associate Professor in the Department of Race, Diaspora, and Indigeneity, so I don't have the usual worries about characters not feeling Black, for lack of a better term. I think my best example is how Bendis likes creating Black characters, but then it takes several more writers to make them feel like Black teens in America (maybe my problem is just with Bendis).

I liked Trista’s back-and-forth with Kitty—it was great. She really feels Gen Z in a way that other young X-characters should, technically, due to the sliding time scale, but don't. Ewing wrote for Champions, so I'm not too worried about the young cast in this, and I'm excited to meet Melee in issue #2.

I will say that her grandma's voice feels exactly like an older woman in my family because I've had that conversation, and it's great that she's supportive of her. In NYX Ms. Marvel, Kamala gets verbally accosted by a guy for being a mutant, and there's a woman in a hijab on his side. In a Cerebrocast episode, one of the writers commented that this was intentional, showing how that intersectionality can really alienate minorities from their own communities.

For Uncanny, my favorite is probably Calico. Some of my favorite characters in media are the "pretty rich girl with problems," and that's what I got here. Leaning into the mutant metaphor a bit, it reads very much like internalized homophobia. Her power is like Psylocke mixed with Ghost Rider and a dash of Jane Foster Valkyrie. She hangs out with mutants, and at the very least, Ransom cares about her safety, but she will look you dead in the eye and say she isn't a mutant.

Visually, she is probably the first or second most distinct of the group, being one of the few X-characters with an animal companion. I've found all the jokes about the horse actually being a mutant kind of funny.

I know the "dirty goblin" line seems weird, but I think that's just how she relates to all of this. Her powers turn her into a literal flaming paladin, so her parents had her process everything through fantasy terms. Like, if you insert "devils" instead of "goblins," she just sounds like a religious bigot.

I would be more into Deathdream if his name wasn't Deathdream, but I don’t think there’s a mutant character with manipulation of the dead, so I could see him being used in the future beyond this book—or killed off, with no in-between. Some have said he’ll stick around in some way because his powers make him undead, but a writer can always find a way. First Class Darwin taught me that.

I'm not too interested in Jitter, but Ransom having a black hole in his heart has me curious, and I want to know the application of that. It’s similar to Chamber and Xorn, but they have ways of expressing their mutations outside the body. He was just fighting hand-to-hand, so I think it’s just a power source in a Kirby and Maggot-like way. I do wonder if Simone is going to blow his chest open later in this run. To me, it seems like a Chekhov's gun—it has me asking the most questions and tickling the sci-fi part of my brain. He seems to fit the "cool guy" archetype, so I hope we get some more depth.

I'll definitely agree that their introduction isn't as strong as Trista, with them asking for help and Wolverine being an asshole. I chose to let the Eye of Agamotto thing go, hoping it comes back around, but Logan seems to be the least favorite part of this book so far. I haven't read his solo yet, so maybe that's better.

I wish the output of Exceptional matched Mckay's and Simone's stuff.

And I really love your page.

Do you have any thoughts about the new mutant kids from both exceptional and Uncanny?

Hey!

I loved Trista from Exceptional. They're likeable, vulnerable, really personable, kind but willing to push back against some pretty fucked up oppression. You only get one shot at a first impression and the moment a young mutant 'manifests' is a classic for a reason. It's tough to get all that across when a character is going through something terrifying and traumatic, but I think Ewing pulled it off well.

We get to meet their grandmother briefly who's super cool, and I found it endearing that they reached for friendship with Kitty. I'm not the right person to break down the race/mutant dichotomy there, but it shouldn't surprise that they look for allies and strengths in response to such an incident. I have a feeling we're going to see more of them and I'm eager. We've seen so many new mutants come and go without sticking around and it's one of the few sources of lasting change Marvel has.

Definitely a sweet and character establishing sequence.

As for the kids in Uncanny, we don't really get to know them very well. There's four of them (except one is not a mutant and says multiple racist/weird things) and the fight is super contrived IMO. It's like woo here's these kids, and we're fighting them for some reason, and they're winning for some reason, then they're not. It showed us they can throw hands which is cool, but I couldn't tell you their names or powers without looking them up and I've read that book double digit times to review it.

Dirty goblins, WTF? The goth kid is great though. I'm a sucker for weird goths that say odd shit and have gnarly powers. Not sure what those powers are, but the army of dead folks behind them are a hint as to what a 'Cyanide Dream' is. Could they be this Endling (last of their kind) people keep talking about? Maybe.

Super weird that two separate children have yelled that Rogue is hot in both issue 1 and 2 of Uncanny. I don't really get it tbh. For that matter, Rogue keeps talking about sex at odd moments.

Here's where we meet them properly. Deathdream sticks out again for me, simply because they're not talking like you'd expect them to. They could be just a goth kid who says fucked up stuff, or they could have wild death powers. Likely both. Them stinking of death is interesting, and I flipping the question back on 'Logan of the Trees' in Japanese (that they know he understands)was slick. Not sure I trust them but I want to know more.

Jitter didn't make much of an impression yet, and Ransom would be the same except for the 'Brotherhood' comment. (I swear that better not be about the Alaskan X-Men.) Calico... I'm not sure. I need to see more tbh. As a group I'm curious and see potential, and I'd like to see where this goes both narratively and characterisation-wise. 50/50 they're not what they seem, and I wonder what 'voice' directed them here. Xavier?

Thanks for the ask! What did you think of them?

[nightswithkookmin]

Hey Goldy, why do you think jk could've been homophobic in the early years? I genuinely want to know becuz i didn't really feel that way myself . And when according to you did he become woke? And what do u think about jimin in this case?

I think JK could have been homophobic????

Have you been snooping around my Ko-fi page??? I don't recall ever saying anything like that on here...

Are you on Ko-fi? You can ask directly on Ko-fi if you have any questions with regards to any of the posts on there. Simply DM.

I said that, because I had read somewhere Jungkook was straight and was dating a trainee before 2015 when he and JM started fully dating but then those same peopele claimed somehow that JK was too young to be gay at the time or to be doing Jimin prior to 2015- in that context then to me, if he wasn't closeted and gay then he'd come off as very homophobic especially in the way he acted around JM and treated JM in that period in my opinion.

If he wasn't too young to be straight, he wasn't too young to be gay. I knew I liked girls at the age of seven ish. Never acted on it and shied away from gals mostly until highschool when I came across much older queer gals- Some have claimed they knew they liked girls much earlier than that.

I mean I'd assume straight people knew they were straight even in kindergarten. Why does it gotta be any different for gay people. It's really bizarre to me.

That's not to say I don't think Jikook weren't problematic or didn't have issues.

For JK I can say, toxic masculinity, internalized homophobia and immaturity marked his earlier phase- not just him but Jimin and everyone in bangtan too (minus the internalized homophobia of course) in my opinion. Which I think we've talked about on here a few times now.

I understand certain conversations make some people uncomfortable especially ones surrounding BTS and homophobia, misogyny cultural appropriation, gay culture appropriation etc.

As I said on Ko-fi, if Jungkook wasn't queer/gay back then, then I'm afraid, to me, a lot of the things he'd said and done around around JM was quite homophobic.

But since I believe he was gay, they just come off as internalized homophobia to me.

And by that I mean things he'd say similar to RM talking bout how 'Jimin tries a lot to be masculine even though he's not' and gets elbowed by Jin to shut up because it's something you just don't say to effeminate men like JM or especially gay men. It comes across as a homophobic slur or microaggression (if JM is in deed gay- which I think he is.)

Or all the crying jokes bangtan makes about JK most times and the constant attack on Jikook's masculinity in the group- being gay doesn't make you less of a man💀

You'll understand if you've seen JK's face drop at certain 'jokes' certain people in the group throw his way.

When did Jungkook become woke????

That's like asking me when did BTS become woke.

Sounds very sarcastic but whatever.

Don't think I can point to you a particular date in this instance just that there's been a very visible gradual shift in the way he thinks, behaves or carry himself within the group over the years.

When he stopped saying things like men shouldn't wear rings on their pinky or that men shouldn't check their selfies after taking them- to which JM replies in frustration 'men, men, men, what the heck is men!'

When he started unlearning the toxic masculine stuff and started embracing his true nature?

It's been a journey for him I'd say.

Whenever he second guesses himself and hesitates to touch JM in certain places-even to this day( a certain titanic run episode comes to mind)

He reaches for JM's waist, stops and holds his shoulder instead. There's a cut a his hand is now on JM's waist- clearly he was cued by the director or someone to hold JM's waist to make it more entertaining.

Now I wouldn't say this act is homophobic per se. Plus, he's not the only one who some times get confused around JM and hesitate to touch him- Tae does that too.

There's that TXT member who froze entirely when JM touched him.

But I can't ignore that JK's hesitation comes from him thinking it's inappropriate for him being a guy to hold JM in certain places like that- which is interesting because they be playing with each other's dixk and shit. You'd think that's more gay no?

Men are nasty and do nasty things like hitting eachother's private region for play or squeezing eachother's nipples and shit- Apparently, that's not gay. To them.

But suddenly, holding hands or placing their hands on a man's waist is gay because it's intimate and something a couple would do- very heteronormative I'd say.

Sounds familiar?

'Sounds like something a couple would do' then the members would proceed to act embarrassed by it.

And this was what, like a few months ago?

Toxic masculinity is at the heart of homophobia. One usually follows the other. If you can spot toxic masculinity in JK, you should be able to spot his internalized homophobic tendencies.

That being said. He's grown now. Way mature than before. Occasionally does some ignorant shit but he's way better than before- in my opinion💀

They shouldn't kiss and act grossed out. If it grosses you out don't do it in the first place that's just rude. I think you know what I mean.

Like RM says, they were all a bit in the mud, unsophisticated in their formative years and I don't think that excluded JM and JK( not gonna go into JK's problematic moments on here or recount them)

As to whether or not some of the things he said in those days were homophobic or not I think it depends on perspective and one's own understanding of anti homosexual tendencies and behaviors.

If not then ignorance is bliss I guess.

What do I think about Jimin???

I think he's gay. Lol.

But he's had his own toxic manly man moments.

'We are men and men shouldn't pop their booty'

Men shouldn't pop their booty? He tried it. Lol.

From the top, make it drop honey😏

Calling Hobi gay as a joke???

'I think he likes men a little too much'

Sir, sit down. A few years later, you are gay too. Very gay. More so gay than Hobi💀

This you???💀

Not sure how to steer this conversation because I feel you don't know exactly what that blog on JK and homophobia is about.

Anywho, thanks for the question. Love it.

I'm gonna answer all your questions. I love them🤤💜

Signed,

GOLDY