#And I can't do that without an income
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Genuine question @ me: why can't you get it together (rant in tags)
#I almost canceled this post because I saw a cat while sitting in my car waiting to go into my internship#And for a moment everything was okay#anyway actual rant#I got a week off last week for reasons I don't entirely understand (It was the entire department)#And it really kind of reminded me how much I just. Don't like work. period#but i need to get out of this fucking house#And I can't do that without an income#nevermind without health insurance. cant even dream of that#Happy birthday to me by the way#turned 26 five days ago#anyway#i think at this point my problem lies on me just as much as it does society#cuz i had all of last week off and DIDN'T use it to job hunt or do portfolio stuff#and i so immensely regret that#but at the same time when i did look for fucking jobs id qualify for that aren't customer facing#there was basically shit from fuck#i need to see if i can just be somebody's youtube editor#or SOMETHING#because even in the office I'm starting to not enjoy being around other people every day#my coworkers are NOT bad people#but they ARE mormon#and i got a ''nudge'' last week to#idk how to explain what they asked of me#they asked me to get more ''hands on'' with the company social medias?#first of all we are a nonprofit that works with kids. my options are EXTREMELY limited#second no one interacts with our posts even when we ask#i got a couple pointers but its not necessarily stuff thats gonna magically boost our engagements#wow i ''ran out of tags'' okay tumblr#dylawa rants#dylawa rambles
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hey question
if i were to open writing commissions, would any of you actually like
buy one
#don't worry i'm not like in Serious Need#i'm just trying to pay down some debts before i move#and i can't do that without extra income#and my weird hours don't really allow me to get a second job
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all the while society conflates "being an adult" with "having a proper job" and "having money to make arbitrary Adult Purchases" disabled people who can't work - or can only work part time or can only do entry level baby jobs - will never be 'allowed' to be adults
you can say "being an adult is looking after yourself you don't have to have a job!!!" all you want but most people who say that will still assume anybody who doesn't either can't or won't 'look after themselves' actually. and every 'marker' of 'adulthood' that's observable and thus actually counts or whatever loops back around to... having a job and 'contributing' something
#yeah i have netflix on all day#i am quite literally signed off of work for the -rest of my life-#what the fuck else would you like me to do with my time when most people are in fact at work#or did you think i can't have the tv on and put laundry away at the same time or something#must i work on commissions on silence in a dour room to be perceived as an adult#anyway 'looking after yourself/your home/your pet' is not observable#to anybody who doesn't like ACTUALLY live in your house#unless you are extremely obviously NOT doing it#if a tree falls in a forest etc#owning a house? job. like not even 'in this economy? lol'#disabled people LITERALLY can't because we aren't allowed to have enough savings for a deposit#car? would you honestly trust me with a vehicle lol but also: job#you mostly cannot buy a car without one it's a requirement for the lease#otherwise you aren't 'trusted' to pay it on time#incidentally most landlords will also - perfectly legally - refuse to rent to you because you are going to be unreliable with the rent#which is being paid directly by the gov anyway like take your trust issues up with them bro#a family? if i get married or cohabit with a partner my income gets sliced in half#so to support even myself let alone a child would require. drumroll please. employment#savings? adults have savings right? yeah but unlike you i have a gov enforced cap on mine#'good furniture not shit from ikea' (someone has remarked that ikea furniture is 'college dorm-y' it's going here)#i mean do i have to say it
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happy monday, as per tradition, i've done it
#tbd /#“reyes the game just came out” let's not worry about that .#(lotsss of rambling + some spoilers in the tags btw. jic)#epilogue gut-punched me so hard i laid there for a good hour or two just. bawling. i went through this game w minimal tears mind u#laughing my ass off then whaBAM. they know how to get me... every fucking time... without fail...#like maji.ma n saej.ima talking about dreams n getting hit with “kiry.u kazu.ma. you never could give up on that one.” what if i backflippe#into incoming traffic. THE REASON MAJIMA WENT TO HAWAII WAS TO FIND THE ELIXIR TO SAVE KIRYU. EVEN L8R WITH RETROGRADE AMNESIA HE WAS STILL#DRAWN TO IT IN HIS JOURNEY WITH NOAH. (VAGUE GESTURES ABOUT FATE) I'M GONNA EAT GLASS.#the fact that it's called the heart of the dragon. like okay. alright. whatever. WHATEVERRRRRRRRRR#noah is also my beloved son. he's everything 2 me... the goromaru is everything 2 me... that's FAMIBLY!!!! loved watching saeji.ma +#nish.ida + mina.mi going along w it all. like ugh fine we'll tag along on this adventure cus u're still my kyodai/boss💔#the bonds and drink links broke me esp. they all love and cherish majima so much i can't take it anymore#god. pyih was incredible and sooo much fun. get into these games. i beg... plot w my pookies. let me talk ur ear off. join my insanity#i'll even stream for you if i must. i stream them for buddies all the time. monkey rattling the door bars gif. anyway#if you've reached this far. hi<3 i'm still sick liek a dog<3 BUT trying to power through it with a to-do list for here#aka clean out some drafts + my inbox. start a lil fresh. post another plotting call cus i feel so bad i've not interacted w some moots#and i need to get my mssgs in order... that'll help me (again)#log into viktor and reply to some things there<3 looking directly at rem as i say this#ummm work on that oc blog in the bg as well finally. + possibly. emphasis on posisbly. another blog (yagami judgment) (he never leaves#my mind. sawry!)#my other yakuzas will remain here for now.
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*gritting my teeth* yes international shipping is expensive but I have already decided that my friends are worth it and my partners with jobs both said they are happy to facilitate me sending these things, even if I do not have the money myself.
#<1lb pkg domestic: $5#<1lb pkg intl: $20#4lb pkg intl: $60 TnT#he really wanted me to pay off my credit card before the end of the year#normally I'd just put it on the cc without worrying about it but now I feel bad#cuz he's been helping me pay it off too#he doesn't get that because I don't have standard income I kinda. need the credit card in order to do basic shit like this.#(he's firmly anti credit card just in general)#it's not like I use it to spend exorbitantly#it's basically entirely for like#christmas. and big purchases that I can't just put off indefinitely.#vacation bookings.#stuff like that yknow?#so that I can pay it off a bit at a time#instead of having to already have the money
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I got a packet from the social security people I have to fill out and have sent back in--by mail--by the 26th. I got it on Friday. And I haven't looked at it til now, bc I was so stressed out about my dog being sick and i feel so overwhelmed. They want all my medical records from the last year, which I don't have, because I've only started keeping that stuff since I had my complete mental breakdown and she took me out of work. And there's so many pages and so much information they want. They have to nitpick my whole fucking life, before they can decide I deserve health. Being disabled in this country is a fucking nightmare. Instead of trying to hep, the just look for reasons to disqualify you. Because they don't want to help us; they just want us to go away
#america is a trashfire#i can't even leave my house alone#i literally have been in tears every time they call me#bc taking on the phone to strangers gives me that much anxiety#i can't function#i can't remember anything longer than a few seconds#i can't focus or concentrate on anything#i have to set alarms just to remind me to do things like eat or take meds#i forget to shower sometimes. others i'm too tired to bother#i literally went an entire week without showering recently. bc i didn't remember to do it#i am not well#and i just need help long enough to get well#but how am i supposed to get it? if they make you wait 200+ days just to hear if your claim is accepted#how am i supposed to survive until then?#I can't work bc i can't leave home with having panic attacks#i can't file for unemployment bc to do so you have to be actively looking for a job#and to get disability i have to prove that i can't work#i could probably work if i found a job i could do from home that payed enough to live off of#not to mention they want me to list any income from may-july#which i didn't make any working. but my brother lives me and gives me money to deposit for the bills#that are all in my name bc he hadn't established credit when we moved in. and my credit was better back then#bc i couldn't afford to leave home until i was 28. so my credit was literally based off my student loan payments#and they were pretty low bc i did the income based thing#i'm getting my parents to come help me with the paperwork#not bc i can't understand it. but bc i literally cannot remember something i read 30 seconds ago
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letterboxd app apparently has added video ads bc i tried to view my activity and got hit with a 15 second unskippable ad... and deleted the entire app within 10 seconds of encountering this...
#no we are not playing this game lol.#i have even been considering getting a subscription to the site for a while now that i have a job and at least some extra income#but um. I'm not going to do it now bc i can't let them think this was a good move to make people buy adfree.#avpost#like i tolerated the banner ads but i draw the line at being unable to open any page in the app without sitting through a 15 second video.#i was like *tries to click someones review of a movie but gets stopped by a video ad for plex* huh that's weird i must have misclicked smth#*restarts app and clicks activity tab and gets stopped by the same ad* ah. well we arent doing this shit *uninstalls immediately*#i mean before the app for years i used lbxd exclusively in my firefox browser so its only a mild inconvenience to go back to that 🤷#im more worried about this as a bad sign from management of a website that i like. like is it about to get so much worse?#i love it im so happy to be on the internet in this. the corporate slop era. the inescapable advertising era.#i love that you can't watch youtube without 2 minute ad breaks anymore i love that every site has embedded video ads that stop your music.#i love that no matter what it is they're going to break it with ads and then sell you back an ad free version after they ruined it
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god okay we got a sling, a new brace, and a few supplements to help my tendon/muscle heal so. here's to hoping
#dying bc life is expensive and i can't make money lol#people keep telling me it might be months before I can draw again and i want to break something like#no you don't understand I've never gone MONTHS without drawing before i can't do that#beyond that it's my income and I'm our bread winner#ive never just. NOT DRAWN like that before. Jesus#miserable beast
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surviving the current age of internet means saying no to subscriptions and premiums for basic features. you must endure the inconvenience of not being able to use every server emoji in discord. you must build the patience to find alternatives like NewPipe so you can listen to music on youtube while your phone screen sleeps. do Not give these corporations your limited disposable income. tiktok not letting me view videos on my phone without downloading the app? i will outlast tiktok and the execs will be remembered as dull,disgusting capitalists. listen to me, listen to me. if you do not know how to pirate shows from hulu, learn. if you can't pirate it, it is not worth the money to rent it. please i'm on my hands and knees. do not accept this form of internet.
#moon#i'm sick of the mainstream internet#i'm going to take steps to degoogle today#tomorrow?? a neocities#idk
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I miss California...
#jenneca yaps#i hope i can go back someday. but that's only if it's like....still there#I'm pre emptively grieving the loss of american (and Californian and even texan) culture. like. if we all flee the country. if we go all#iron curtain or states go to war. if the borders close and everyone who didn't already leave got trapped inside or had to flee illegally.#if the whole country goes up in gunfire....#yes we'll still have American media. we tend to shove our music and movies in everyone's faces. but even that is... exaggerated. wrong.#people might recognize red solo cups from tv or might make american cheeseburger or hot dog or new york pizza jokes. they might talk about#the fortune cookies that aren't chinese. the way we had prom and homecoming. sweet 16s. deep fried everything and the rap and hip hop that#the black community grew here. or they might know stonewall. but it's different you know?#everything they know would he secondhand. and meanwhile for me it'd just be a place I can't go back to.#leaving home is one thing. but leaving and knowing you might not come back- or that if you do it might not be the same....#it's very possible I'll never get back to that version of California. and that's.... hurtful for me.#I grew up there. with my valley girl accent that's since been scrubbed to more of a disney channel voice with time.#i grew up drinking in and out milkshakes and going to black bear diner and looking at the palm trees and living in cities#or suburban blocks with tiled roofs and mexican inspired architecture#and having asian reseraunts and coffee shops on every corner.#it wasn't a big deal to not be into sports the way it is here in texas. everyone knew about technology- our movies and cell phones and viral#e celebereities were all right here. it wasn't weird to talk about that stuff over lunch with your friends- you weren't a freak for it.#i miss beach days and bonfires with friends. and i miss the accents. i miss people who sound like me. i miss the way girls would keep#hairties on their wrists like bracelets and guys would wear shell necklaces. i miss surfer lingo and the wacky sideways buildigs and orb#windows in san Francisco. i miss the park we used to vacation to. i miss the valley and the mountains. i miss the weather- i miss wanting to#go outside- feeling like i vould go for a walk without melting or freezing to death. i miss everything being “hella” and everyone being#a “dude” or “guys”. I miss how blue the state was politically. i miss churches that weren't all high and mighty and that accepted queer#people with open arms- where people didn't all dress the same like some sort of cult or all be the same race and income bracket like the#churches here. i miss tanbark and everyone saying “like”. i miss public parks and sprawling libraries with three stories and big statues.#and i don't miss it now but i know I'll miss at least some things about texas#or my alters will.#i miss the ocean breeze and i even miss earthquakes.
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Haha. So do I just die or what.
Like does my family get a life insurance pay out or anything if I do that
Bc like.
We could use the $$$
#tw sui talk#tw suicidality#tw sui ideation#i can't fucking do this shit#i can barely make 1 fucking meal without needing to fucking collapse for like 2 hours from exhaustion#but i can't find a fucking job and we gucking need money to pay bills#and ive been looking and looking and looking and nothing ive applied to works out#and i am literally basically out of money#which means we could lose fucking everything#we barely scrape by as is#and my sibling is wholly and utterly unreliable#which means it's on me to bring in a second income and i. can't. fucking. find. anything.#and i can't even get put lf bed some days because i'm in too much pain
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“Of course I want to relax. But, we don’t all get what we want.” // ( Exhaustion Starters ) from Lio!
[ To Exhaustion || The Exhausted » Accepting ]
‹ There was a small pause with his eyes locked upon Lio's face when he responded that way; the bitter words resonated with Shuuji, and it drew a small frown to his lips for just a moment. It's true that so long as the Freeze Force were out there, peaceful rest was not an option. Perhaps, however, he could still help— thus did he stand to his feet, eyes cast out towards the exit for a moment. ›
❝ Let me keep watch and take care of it for a bit then, ❞ ‹ Shuuji would speak up with a gentle tone as he took a couple of steps forward, a sign he had made the decision for them already. › ❝ It isn't much, but even just for a short while... you deserve to have a little rest. I can't selfishly be hiding away when others are suffering, not anymore. ... Let me help. I'll do the best I possibly can for you. ❞
‹ It was true that he still was not in complete control of the flames that burned within, but with careful training he was slowly able to get a better grasp upon it. It was this time spent with Lio and the other Burnish that reminded him he still had a place in this world, he still had people he could protect. Lio he was not, and neither did he compare to Gueira or Meis, but there was something there. As the old saying always went... even the smallest spark could create the greatest blaze. As loathe as he was to think about it, it held true in this instance all the same. ›
#∆ // «PROMARE» ;; 「 Of Smoldering Ashes 」#Lio Fotia ›› The Rekindled Hope#tenebriism#📩 // ‹ Incoming Email ›#[ Not me getting feels ];#[ Also I figure this could be when Shuuji finally decides to join Lio proper ];#[ Realizing how hard Lio pushes for everyone and going 'I can't just let him keep doing this without some more help.' ];
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for some reason it only just now hit me that I don't have to make some big finished thing in order to tell all the little stories I have rolling around in my head, I can just write a description of them and come back later if I want to make a big thing with them. there's nothing stopping me
sometimes you just need a reminder that oh yeah, there are no rules in art and you can do and share whatever you want forever
so! doodles and blurbs about the many little characters and narratives hanging out in my brain hopefully will be happening! assuming I remember and everything :DD
#this is great there are so many of them and ive started getting sad that I ''can't'' share them without some finished piece#but no! i can do whatever i want! whoa!#every time i try to say something short it winds up in paragraphs. why. this was not supposed to be so long#(it's the adhd)#anywho! little guys incoming! might try to do them on a schedule or something as a sort of creative exercise too (coming up w new stories)#yayyy this is going to be funnnnn#my brain is very normal trust me. no weird brain rules i made up. nuh uh.#OK I'LL STOP NOW#draco talks#(probably too much)
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since we're talking about universal healthcare again, and i see germany coming up quite a bit, i wanna say yes obviously it's better than what the US has going on, but i really need people, fellow germans in particular, to stop romanticizing our system, which is universal in name only. because if you've never struggled you may not know this, but your insurance will absolutely deny everything that it legally can. which means anything that requires evaluation, maybe because it's off-label or it's a specific type of healthcare (like hilfsmittel) or it's rare or it goes beyond the minimum required by law. so as a result, i got my social therapy (soziotherapie) denied nine times because the evaluating body (mdk) didn't even read my file. i got the one drug that could maybe give me a somewhat normal life denied because there aren't any large sample studies (it's a rare disorder, there won't ever be large sample studies) and it's off-label and expensive. my brother fought over five years for his medical marijuana, the only pain treatment that works for him, and all that time he was so sick as a result that he couldn't have a job and had to live with my mom. speaking of my mom, they literally denied her transportation to her cancer treatment at first and forced her to go through objection proceedings while undergoing chemotherapy. it took several attempts to get my grandmothers their respective levels of care, as well as disability aids (wheelchair, hospital bed; the co-pay is still high for these). i have an acquaintance who has been denied a wheelchair as well as surgery because he's on the street and doesn't have the means or literacy to go through the required proceedings. because if you do ever want a shot at individualized care while struggling with chronic/severe illness, you better get ready for a grueling process of paperwork you struggle to understand, appointments with medical consultants that do not care how you get there, the disappointment and frustration and depression of constant rejection, mind-numbing calls with your insurance provider, and (if you're unlucky but not willing to give up) court proceedings you likely can't afford. the truth of the matter is our healthcare system has been altered repeatedly to allow for more and more privatization, more and more profit incentive, and thus, more and more patient neglect. as of right now, this doesn't tend to affect the average "healthy" patient, but it's only a matter of time before they, too, become disabled and sick and old, and it's only a matter of time before our system is hollowed out to the point of affecting everyone.
#this is written really badly but i can't do words atm i've been at like 8-9 level pain for days#i just find it so irritating as someone who has been fucked over by health & social insurance to see people pretend everyone gets treatment#you do know there are people without insurance right? many homeless people but also ex self-employed ppl who can no longer afford private#like if you have private insurance for whatever reason & you lose that income public doesn't have to take you back#theres very specific rules about who gets to switch between private and public when and why and how#also let's not start on how you have to pay out of pocket for specialized care bc insurance doesn't cover long appointments & ucommon tests#if i hadn't paid for specialized eds treatment they would've never found the thing that's wrong with my colon#ANYWAY#point is neoliberalism has fucked out healthcare and will continue to fuck our healthcare#gerpol
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a doctor could easily dissect everything i eat and be like "well, it's definitely caused by all this chocolate" and i'll still die on the hill that my stomach cramps were due to the entire pack of hot dogs consumed this week (some of those were on BREAD which i also blame)
#look i know kitkats are bad for you but they do other things#kitkats just filling the sad holes in my heart#maybe the wrong holes#i need to be brave tomorrow and tell sophia that she can't give me half assed instructions for invoices#she can't yell at me to do an invoice for some random trust without telling me exactly what it's for#also her pressuring really guy to do more billing hours needs to stop because he's pressuring me#how do i tell her that#no i can't okay need to stick to the invoices#she thinks she can tell me about an invoice on a wednesday NIGHT while i'm distractedly watching TGYH#and i'll just remember it?????#jesus christ#no#do better#i mean she thinks i don't know how to do invoices#i know how to do invoices but i also need to know what to write on the invoice#if she pulls out some random thing to bill a client for then it'll be under 'sundry income' and then i need exactly what they did#she yelled at me weeks ago that i couldn't read minds and now expects me to read her mind#like i told her 'what if the clients don't want that' and she yelled SO YOU'RE A MIND READER ARE YOU? or something#but then she assumes i can read /her/ mind
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oh yeah im the joker right now so i can't analyse things anymore. sorry!
#trying to figure out a situation for watching a ppv with some friends tomorrow#and i desperately want to volunteer my apartment like an adult who pays rent with their job income#and yet i can't because i live with my mom. and she has to sleep early tomorrow. and it would be rowdy. so i can't#its so...alienating. i feel like despite everything i am still a guest here#what if i wanted to have a party? what if i want to have friends over? what if i want to#god forbid DO SOMETHING like an actual young adult instead of a child in their mom's house for once? i can't.#i can't convince anyone im friends with to come over fucking ever because of it and its so so so fucking lonely#it makes me feel so pathetic. i don't have my own space and i can barely function without one#because i am always on edge every second she's awake because she will intrude on my space just being here#there is no space that is mine. i cannot get close to anyone because i do not have my own proximity even#it is so loud. all the time. it never stops. i am alone when she's at work overnight and then it is back to just this#i can't stand being here i can't stand my FUCKING life lol!!!!!!!!!!!!! i need to get out so fucking bad but i literally cannot
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