#An episode every week makes a series resonate so much more

[annepi-blog]

Okay, after seeing so many cool gifs and art from Dead Boy Detectives from my tumblr mutuals, I gave the show a chance.

I watched it and oh my god it's awesome and I love it so much.

Then I go on tumblr to look into fandom and find out that Netflix canceled it... WHY?!

If I understand correctly, it wasn't unsuccessful, maybe less than expected, but still a lot of people watched it. The ratings from critics and audiences are very good. And they had already ordered season 2 and it is completely written.

I know everyone has different tastes, but seriously, they make weird reality shows with questionable content or that weird Gwyneth Paltrow show that spouts pseudo-scientific nonsense that is actually dangerous and just advertising for her company.

And didn't Netflix recently announce how much money they've made from new subscriptions since they stopped the sharing?

Seriously, I hate this new throwaway culture of streaming services so much...

[twig-tea]

Why We Are Gives Me Anxiety

I have been fighting myself on this We Are post for weeks because I wanted to make sure I knew what I wanted to say and was able to say it. I feel the need to say off the top that I don’t begrudge anyone who enjoyed this show and I’m genuinely glad it brought comfort to people. The show in and of itself, as 16 hour-long episodes of fluff (shout-out to @stuffnonsenseandotherthings for using this word to pinpoint the genre for this show, because it’s perfect), is not offensive or bad or wrong or any judgmental or moralistic word. And it does some things well; the centrality of the friend group was a lovely aspect to this show, and the chemistry in the friendship group scenes was on point. All of the couples have good romantic chemistry as well, and the show is packed with butterflies-inducing moments. 

That being said, I did not enjoy watching this show. I watch television mostly for the story; This show felt more like watching 16 special episodes for a show I hadn’t seen (I think this can be attributed to the point made by @italianpersonwithashippersheart in her post here that the show assumes the audience comes to the show with a pre-existing buy-in to the ships). The lack of overarching narrative structure of We Are gave my brain nothing to hold onto and I spent so much of every episode futilely trying to figure out how scenes worked with what had come before, what the show was trying to say, what these characters were thinking–all of which I knew was the wrong way to be watching, but it’s the way my brain works, so I spent a lot of the show frustrated. In short, this show wasn’t for me. 

But that’s not why I feel the need to write about it. Shows are fully allowed to not be for me, I usually can differentiate between when a show is doing something I don’t like well, or when it’s failing at its own goals. And I don’t begrudge people with different taste getting catered to sometimes; my refrain is that most problems of representation are not solved by calling for less of something, and rather than wanting something not to be made, I’d rather champion for more and a greater variety of content. And lord knows there’s enough BL to go around these days (shouting out @respectthepetty’s post along these lines, which I loved) . But We Are still worries me, and I’ve been trying to find a way to articulate that my concerns are not actually about the show itself, in isolation, but rather about how it feels like part of a pattern. This is my best attempt at laying that out. It’s going to get a little ramble-y, so apologies in advance.

Shout-out to @bengiyo who first articulated this anxiety in his post from relatively early in the show’s run . Ben gets into some of where I’m coming from with concerns about what this show means for the genre in this post, which as he mentions we've chatted about in DMs. I’m really grateful to him for these conversations because in isolation, I worried that I was being alarmist. It was helpful to have confirmation that he was feeling the same way so that I could get out of my own head.  

Ben mentions in his post that New Siwaj has been in this business a long time, and I, like Ben, have jived with him for years because he manages to imbue queer angst into his shows in a way that resonates with me, even when he’s had missteps. I'm going to lay out some of the major highlights of his work for those who haven't followed New for years.

He was an editor on Love Sick, arguably the start of the Thai BL genre as we know it today, and a show full to the brim of queer angst. He directed Make It Right, one of my favourite Thai BL comedy series. This show was also an ensemble centered around a friendship group (though admittedly it didn’t balance the friendship and romance content as strongly as We Are), and it covers so many topics that felt refreshing at the time and still are rare (morning-after sex visits to the clinic because things went poorly, hooking up on the apps, sex acts beyond just penetration, suicidality, I could go on). He also was involved in the GMMTV Waterboyy series–this was his first work for GMMTV that I am aware of. That show had a lot of issues but did explore internalized homophobia and bullying.

He worked as a cinematographer on En of Love, which is again similar to We Are in that it has several couples connected by a friendship group (and is several novels in one series), but each couple was given its own miniseries instead of bundling them into one show. En of Love also still dealt with some serious queer angst, especially in the Love Mechanics story [Sidenote, Niink, the director for En of Love, stuck with New and moved on to work for Wabi Sabi].

At this point, New created his own company, Studio Wabi Sabi, which he's said in interviews was to gain more creative control over what he was working on. And his stories became arguably even more explicitly queer and inclusive of queer trauma. He screenwrote and produced Love By Chance (which folks may not remember or know, but that core story starts off with Pete being blackmailed for being gay until Ae convinces him to come out to his mother and shut down the leverage for blackmail, and a good chunk of Pete’s character arc is unlearning internalized homophobia and not seeing himself as ‘corrupting’ Ae) and then Until We Meet Again. The queer angst in UWMA probably doesn’t need my help spelling out, but just in case anyone doesn’t know the summary, this show was about a queer couple who committed suicide in the face of homophobia in the 1980s, and were reborn and given another chance to be together in present day. I did want to note that in both of these series (LBC and UWMA) the core romance itself has no major conflicts; both AePete and DeanPharm felt like they were intentionally side-stepping so many of the usual BL drama tropes of jealousy and misunderstandings through trust and communication. Dean and Pharm’s story took that even further by having so many of the usual drama pitfalls for a gay couple just not be a problem; their only drama comes from their past lives, in a beautiful exploration of the breaking of intergenerational trauma. So many external threats to their relationship ended up being non-starters, and this was my version of a comfort series for that reason. 

From there, New started working with GMMTV again, and directed My Gear and Your Gown. This series was, to my knowledge, the first GMMTV BL series to mention HIV and to show characters getting tested at the clinic, and while it wasn’t perfect representation (didn’t get into PrEP, treated HIV as a death sentence), it felt like an important milestone.

[I’m skipping the sequels and specials he did for series I already talked about, because they don’t feel that important to the story I’m telling here and this is already so long, but I wanted to acknowledge that I’m not covering everything in his oeuvre.]

He then directed 7 Project, which had some serious storylines dealing with bullying and struggling with life in the closet, out of Wabi Sabi, and then Star and Sky out of GMMTV. Star in My Mind included one of the main characters in a beard relationship for years, and some controversy over the adaptation choices to make Daonuea (Dunk’s character) less polite than in the books. There was drama around the pronouns and characterization in that show (both Daonuea and Khabkluen use guu/mueng in the series, but in the novel, Daonuea uses rao; he also curses in the series and novel fans complained that he was too ‘masculine’). I thought it was an interesting attempt at a departure from BL character tropes to try to make Daonuea more evenly matched with Khabkluen in terms of his gender presentation in the show. Sky in Your Heart also included some angst about whether people of a particular station could be gay. Both of these shows (SIMM and SIYH) were also very trope-y, but they had clear throughlines. 

My Only 12%, the next show New directed out of Wabi Sabi, contains one of my favourite moments in all of BL, in which Seeiw sees Love of Siam and cries because it makes him realize he’s gay. There’s this heartfelt moment where he asks his sister, if there’s nothing wrong with being gay, why doesn’t the film let the gay characters have a happy ending? Despite the weird PSA ending, this show remains one of my favourites.

This is an aside but I’ve long been fascinated about this moment in New’s history: he played himself in War of Y, as a director of BL who is sick of being forced to make BL shows full of fanservice; he treats the actors with disdain and cuts marketable high heat scenes from the show which makes everyone nervous for the show’s future. Later we see him and the actor characters on set for My Only 12%, much happier. I ask myself about this moment at least once a week: Did he write this self-insert? Did someone else write the character and he just played it, and the similarities to his style were (were not?) a coincidence? I hope someone knows and tells me one day,

From there, New functioned as an Executive Producer of Dear Doctor, I’m Coming for Soul [I think this was the first outsourced project by Wabi Sabi]. This series’ entire plot is a metaphor for living in the closet and waiting for the time when the main couple can be together fully without having to hide. 

He directed A Boss and a Babe for GMMTV (which had its problems for sure, but also had Cher as an out gay man at the workplace dealing with casual homophobia in a way that was extremely satisfying), and then Between Us, which is maybe the least queer feeling show Wabi Sabi produced on its own, but did go into the issues of dating and the closet while trying to become a star (if I’ve forgotten something from this show let me know, I only watched it the once). One of the things that was so strange about this show was it being a sequel to UWMA but not engaging with the same themes. The only mention of real world queerness I can remember was the acknowledgment that they can’t get married in Thailand and Dean and Pharm discussing again going abroad and getting married there. 

Absolute Zero was a complete mess of a show; New directed this one for Wabi Sabi, and it has some similarities to UWMA in the sense of there being an attempt at saving the gays from the bury your gays trope, this time via time loop rather than reincarnation, but it did not take the issues it raised seriously enough (including the age gap created between the two characters by virtue of time travel). 

And that leads us to We Are for GMMTV, which as Pluem (@happypotato48)  wrote in his excellent post about this, includes Toey using nu and other 'feminine' or 'youthful' sounding language, but also apparently dropped the main conflict of the novel between Phum and his father (because his father disapproved of Peem).

Why did I go through all of that? Because I wanted to lay out how I've watched New Siwaj’s career go from finding a way to tell incredibly poignant and healing queer narratives (by creating his own company, and fitting these moments into the GMMTV series he did work on) to stripping out queerness from the shows he’s creating in the last year or so.

And this is a pattern we’re seeing more widely at GMMTV in particular, but also in Thai QL more widely. This is something that was touched on but not really discussed in the most recent episode of The Conversation podcast (the 23.5 and only boo! episode here). In both 23.5 and Only Boo!, the show faked out a homophobic parent and then treated their kids like they were silly to assume the worst, and I hated that.

Both Ongsa and Kang had internalized homophobia in their respective series. Both were terrified of telling their mothers about their homosexual love interest. And in both cases, their mothers told them something along the lines of 'of course I will support you no matter what'. In Ongsa's case, even though she was outed by Sun without her consent, she's the one who ends up apologizing for her hesitancy and feeling foolish for her concern. In Kang's case, the show never challenges his mother's assertion that she'll always support him even though we know she hasn’t (she was the one who wanted to prevent him from studying art before his father died), and it’s the audience that was left feeling foolish for our concern. 

In the GMMTV round table for Pride Month, it was mentioned that the decision for Ongsa's mother to be accepting of her relationship with Sun was made in order to model good parental behaviour for the older generation in the audience. In the novel, Ongsa's mother presents a significant conflict, but this conflict was erased from the show. I don't know if the same decision was made in Only Boo! for the same reason or not, but either way, the show definitely signalled to Kang's mother having an issue with Kang's relationship with Moo, and then said "sike", which I did not enjoy. The Conversation panelists were correct in the conversation linked and transcribed above that this wasn't the most egregious misstep either show made, but it feels like a telling symptom of the larger overall narrative problems that New is also now succumbing to.

It seems as though telling stories stripped of queer conflict is being seen as progressive, and possibly also easier to sell, and this is where my anxiety lies around what this will mean for Thai QL content in future. 

For the record, I am all for creating queer content in which we envision a better world for ourselves. But when that is the goal, understanding where internalized homophobia comes from and thinking through how removing parental objection will affect the character and the story is vital to the story and characterization remaining coherent. Otherwise it just ends up feeling like the show is telling queer kids that they're paranoid, rather than rightly worried (like I wrote about in this thread on My Love Mix-Up Thailand, where the same decision was made again to fake out a homophobic subplot that was removed from the adaptation but was present in the source material).

These choices speak to adaptation choices with an eye for specific moments and story points, rather than to a narrative or character arc, which is where it feels like they fall into the wider pattern of what @bengiyo, @shortpplfedup and @ginnymoonbeam were describing in their discussion: shows caring more about hitting specific meme-able story points listed out on a whiteboard than about making cohesive sense or having something coherent to say. 

[So as not to leave it out: I don’t think there were concerns of homophobia in the Wandee Goodday novel (novel readers feel free to correct me if I’m wrong about this) but the show faked us out about homophobia concerns anyway, which again really bothered me during that watch and which adds to the pattern.] 

Now, of course, as I stated up at the top there is value in the creation of different kinds of media. These shows sell different fantasies than the ones I want to see, but that doesn’t mean they don’t have value.All of BL has some amount of fantasy that it’s buying into, that’s what comes with the territory of ‘fiction’. The BL bubble (in which homophobia doesn’t exist and all men are gay for each other) is a version that is at its most extreme; nothing bad ever happens that isn’t quickly resolved within an episode, so there is never narrative tension, and nobody really needs to be that concerned about how anything will go ever. I do not find these relaxing because I can’t buy into the fantasy they’re selling; for me, the lack of narrative tension is so unbelievable as to ruin my immersion. But I can see why that would be appealing for someone whose brain is not always on alert and running at 11/10! The problem I am anticipating is when the majority of content is made that way, and when it is done in a way that takes up all of the mainstream space. I think it’s notable that the only show that’s really felt not in the queer bubble from GMMTV in 2024 is Cooking Crush, which was done by a subsidiary team within GMMTV (and the same team went on to make Only Boo!). And this is why We Are caught my attention and made me nervous; When a director who is known for his representation of poignant queer angst makes an entire 16-hour series in which there are no significant conflicts at all and the only hint of homophobia is in Toey’s reference to being bullied prior to the timeframe of the series, I get worried about who is going to be making the queer angst shows in future!  

For the record, my personal preference for comfort shows are the shows that do not pretend the world is perfect, but do depict an idealized subset of that world→where there’s a group of people that support one another through the bullshit of others and the less than perfect world that surrounds them. Shows that teach us to be kind to one another, and ourselves. Shows that say the world is going to suck sometimes, but we can be good to one another, and not lose sight of who we are, and make space for others to be themselves. A few of my favourite Thai series that do this would be: 

Bad Buddy

Cooking Crush

City of Stars

Knock Knock Boys

Miracle of Teddy Bear

My Only 12%

Secret Crush on You

To Sir With Love

Until We Meet Again

(and of course these occur in non-Thai shows as well. A few examples of my favourites: What Did You Eat Yesterday, DNA Says Love You, Light on Me, Oppan, Marahuyo Project, TsukuTabe, Tadaima Okaeri, Koisenu Futari, Joshi-teki Seikatsu, Gameboys, Hehe and He, Twilight out of Focus, She Makes My Heart Flutter)

These are shows in which there are explicitly external judgments on the relationships in the show and/or the characters for things intrinsic to who they are, and the characters build a support structure in which folks are encouraged to be themselves within that ‘bubble’ (Bad Buddy walks a fine line because it’s within the BL bubble but the problems that the main couple face are so a direct allegory that everything feels familiar; this is also the case with Tadaima Okaeri, which is both omegaverse and one of the most beautifully kind shows of all time). 

So for now, I still have the other smaller Thai studios including Kongthup Productions (who made Knock Knock Boys; we’ll see whether their latest series Monster Next Door deals with any queer angst or not), idolFactory (just finished My Marvellous Dream is You, which had a ton of queer angst, and is currently doing The Loyal Pin, which I have hope for on this front), DeeHup (currently making I Saw You In My Dream, which I’m holding out hope for) and StarHunter Entertainment (who made City of Stars, but whose record is a little spotty on this front; Their latest, Sunset Vibes, has not done a great job of handling the theme of office relationships and blackmail so far, and feels very much in the bubble) to look forward to. 

But as you can see even just by virtue of the caveats I included above, it feels like this shift is happening in the smaller companies too (harder to see a real pattern with fewer data points, which is one of the reasons why I picked on GMMTV–in addition to it being the largest media conglomerate in Thailand and therefore able to take it). Maybe it’s nothing, maybe I’m just an anxious person. Or maybe I’m just wrong about what would be best for the genre and for queer people in Thailand as well as viewers all over the world. But I, for one, would find it a loss if Thai QL decides en masse to pivot away from queer angst, and right now it kind of feels like that’s what it’s doing. In this context, to reiterate my original point, the existence of We Are is not a problem, but is one in a set of exemplars that raised specific alarm bells due to the people involved and their history in QL and queer representation, its deviation from the source material, and the surrounding shows that seem to indicate a pattern rather than a one-off. 

[byemambo]

The Beauty of Subtlety and Change: A Deep Dive [We Are EP. 12]

As more episodes come out every week, I fall more and more in love with this series. I know when the trailer came out, there were some people that we off put by "another university/engineering student" series, or weren't as enthusiastic about the comedy being present in the series, I think that's fair since everyone has their own preferences and qualms with how past series have approached this genre, but I truly believe once people give it a chance and start to watch the further episodes, I start realizing how intentional and well crafted the character development has been with each introduction of a new story arc or group dynamic. Eventually I want to dissect more parts of the series that I resonated with, but the first definitely has to be Tan and Fang's development as the series progresses.

One thing I appreciate about the handling of these two characters, which I continue to give my flowers to Aou and Boom. This is my first time watching them in a series (I was only familiar with Pond and Phuwin from Never Let Me Go, as well as Tee when he played a supporting role in Only Friends), and I instantly fell in love with their on screen characters, but eventually the actors themselves as the series progressed. Both actors do an amazing job portraying the personalities of their characters and their distinct differences between their past and present selves, where the performance is well thought out without being too over the top which is what the sound effects are for hahaha.

In episode 12, the conversation between Tan and Fang caught my attention the most, especially when I rewatched episodes in my free time while waiting for new episodes to drop. When Tan shares his story with the gang about how Fang and him met during episode 9, you wouldn't have even thought both of them would be as hot headed as they were in high school versus how we were introduced to them as university students in the first few episodes.

These exchanges with Fang reflected Tan's past self well: a smart ass, condescending, provoking. I think the juxtaposition between past Tan and present Tan really shows itself when we see how Tan speaks about Fang in private now that they're an established couple: compassionate, attentive, loving. Aou does an amazing job with his microexpressions, saying a lot without saying anything at all.

Episode 9 vs. Episode 12

What was even more of a shock to me was the introduction of Fang's past self, completely opposite of how we were introduced to him in the first few episodes. High school Fang was also just as condescending and hot headed, which was later revealed by Tan that he only punched Fang back to save face on the field with other people around. But can we please address how much of a menace Fang is from that expression alone?

Episode 9

To think that present Fang, someone observant, reliable, and introverted, used to be someone blunt, confrontational and spiteful only reinforced my belief in the evolution of individuals: that a person of their past is in fact, the same person in the present, that not everyone should be tied down to the person they used to be and to make room for the person they're aiming to become. I noticed the shift in their perception of one another when we watch the second half of the flashback after Tan helps Phum and Fang escape an ambush.

Episode 9

This becomes one of my favorite Tan moments so far (as of episode 12): the defining moment of his innate character as selfless, courageous, and heroic. That despite how Tan felt about Fang after their first encounter and the many other arguments and fights to come, that never crossed Tan's mind when he first witnessed the confrontation: that his natural instinct was to help. He further reinforces this value when Phum asked him why he helped them, Tan answering: "I don't believe in dirty tricks."

Episode 9

After Tan's true character redefines itself in Fang's eyes as this asshole that instigated an argument with him for no reason actually has a heart of gold? We also see this shift in perception between Tan as he witnessed Fang's brotherly nature helping Phum with his injuries, later creating a core memory between the three as both of them let their guards down and mutually accept: "You know, this is all turning out way different than what I expected and...I'm not mad at it." In my humble opinion not that I find helping people/aiding people to be an extremely attractive trait in someone, this planting of the seed that leads up to their own way of flirting and eventually becoming a couple makes sense and as Q says: "You're totally rivals-to-lovers". The ability to protect and help others is a strong trait to have, and this makes sense once Fang begins to open up to Tan about his home life.

When Fang seeks out Tan during episode 12 after seeing his brother and father argue, the best way I could put Fang's complicated feelings into words: survivor's guilt. Fang reaffirms this idea through sharing:

"The moment he returned from abroad, I could still remember the look in his eyes clearly. It has remained my trauma until today."

As someone who identifies with Phum and his upbringing in being the lesser favored child by our parents, having a sibling grow up alongside you being raised by the same-but-different parents is a difficult pill to swallow on both ends, especially as we get older and begin to realize how intense and traumatic that experience can be when we reflect back on childhood, often times manifesting into resentment as we see with Phum and his parents currently in the story. On how real those discrepancies become when intervention and self reflection occurs, on quite frankly, how shitty it is to finally see the ugly truth after disregarding reality or protecting (intentionally or not) those who are the root causes of the pain and suffering.

I resonate with Phum and his journey in learning how to express himself in effective ways that can be heard through the ears of others, even though our childhood made us believe that we're not worthy of bare minimum love and attention, that we're bound to be misunderstood. A lot of Phum's tendencies at the beginning make sense for someone dealing with childhood trauma and abandonment issues cause same here, resulting in isolation, disconnection, and eventually waking up surviving every day instead of living every day. Something I personally battle with in my daily life that I'm sure Phum can relate to: "If my own parents can't support and love me unconditionally, who can and who will? Will I even experience that one day? And if I do, how long will it take until it's taken away from me?" Fang also brings up this same insecurity when opening up to Tan:

"Though I act unreasonable and don't behave well sometimes, if one day you feel you no longer want to be with me, just tell me straight. Because if you disappear, I would be in so much pain."

I'm sure once Fang really understood the effects of Phum's treatment by his parents, his need and "role" to protect and care for Phum intensifies, the conflict between pleasing his parents while also pleasing and helping his brother becomes burdensome to the point where he disregards his own feelings in order to "keep the peace." Although these methods seem rational and effective in the moment, it's only a matter of time before the methods become obsolete and unsustainable, and the foundation built on sticks and desperation to remedy the pain and chaos collapses. Then what finally remains is someone who's scared of the unknown, scared of reentering the same detrimental period of preparing for peace time and war time, someone who regulated themselves through adapting hypervigilance and eventually, general anxiety (as someone diagnosed with anxiety, Fang's moments of overwhelm and "dramatic" all or nothing statements are clear as day to overthinkers), someone who realizes that he can't save everyone, and that's a horrifying feeling to accept once you subject yourself to being the peacemaker.

Episode 12

Being able to see how Tan eases Fang's anxiety (which is well depicted in Boom's acting cause I know that feeling of wanting to be brave and express the truth and trying not to cry through it) was incredibly sweet and became one of my favorite moments the two share. That outside of Tan's go lucky, hyper, and expressive self (who used to be this closed off person that only began really changing once his friends gave him an ultimatum to quit fighting or their friendship ends and poor Peem having to find out the truth of Tan's injuries that wasn't from a bike accident LOL) is an emotionally intelligent, understanding, and aware individual that only wants what's best for his loved ones in the moment. Rather than only hearing Tan's reassurances, which is a result of losing faith in other people and dealing with their lack of credibility in their words versus their actions, we see this during Phum's argument with his father when he double downed:

"I'm paying attention to you now. Everything I've done is for you."

When you hear everything in the book and fail to not only see real action, but accountability and seeking of forgiveness through apologizing is like pulling teeth with some generation of parents, so I truly believe the reaction Phum exhibited was expected. When there's no true understanding of the effects a parent's decision had on a child, there's no foundation put in place to accept and move forward. Skipping steps such as reflection, apologizing, and accountability and getting straight to what you think your child wants is not only disregarding: it's insulting. Given that Phum experienced many iterations of this throughout his childhood, I can only imagine Fang experiencing this secondhand or through witnessing his younger brother dealing with these hardships. When words stop having meaning, the weight of people's words can only hold so much value for individuals that deal with anxious tendencies. In my words: "I need to see it to believe it."

Not only does Tan verbally reassure Fang and telling him not to overthink, he also extends this same sentiment through physical touch. Hand holding, grabbing him by the shoulders, poking his nose, hugging, any moment to be playful with Fang. Growing up with an absent parent usually means an overall lack of physical affection, which can feel unfamiliar or foreign and become even more meaningful to those to express their love and adoration through physical touch, which you can see throughout the scene as Tan's reassurance is calming Fang down and finally bringing him to smile for the first time during their conversation.

For all the people who believed that Fang wasn't showing affection enough for Tan and that he didn't like Tan as much as Tan liked him: I will defend Fang like no other because I identify with him. I'm not one to have a track record on expressing my love for others through physical touch (which doesn't mean I despise it, I just simply forget that's another form of affection I'm allowed to express), which doesn't discount Fang's expression of love and writing him off as unaffectionate simply because Tan has established his primary love language to be physical touch. We see Fang's affection and reciprocation of affection most through quality time and acts of service, such as him allowing Tan to help him with his architecture projects or keeping him company, or Fang trying to reach Tan through phone to see him after a rough time with his professor and ready to beat up whoever upset his babe, or Tan waiting for Fang to finish class for them to go eat dinner together. Fang has also exhibited his love and affection through buying Tan little treats or making him his only mastered recipe spaghetti which Tan will never complain about because it's the thought that counts.

It may not seem as overt and obvious as Tan's expression of love, but we can't deny Fang's love for him that's simply a quieter version of love. Just because it's different, it doesn't make one invalid versus the other, look at his smile from him being around his silly little boyfriend. But as time goes on as these two strengthen their bond as a couple, we can already see how Tan's habits and antics rub off on Fang through playful exchanges. Although Fang is more shy about expressing his feelings, it becomes a beautiful balance of your ideal golden retriever-black cat relationship and a wonderful representation of how successful couples become with candid communication, understanding, and reassurance.

Ok I think I got everything out on the hill I'll die on now, so if you've made it this far, I hope I entertained you enough and left you with from food for thought, but I also appreciate your engagement if you have any thoughts! All is much appreciated <3 As you can see, I'm very normal about this series hehehe

[lurkingshan]

Japanese QL Corner

One of my favorite shows of the year comes to an end, and we continue to be blessed with another great Japanese drama with queer themes. This first show is on Gaga and the second is available via fan sub, and I highly recommend watching both! And in case you haven't heard, a full series version of I Hear the Sunspot is taking over this timeslot, so we'll be kicking that off next week!

At 25:00 in Akasaka

gif by @my-rose-tinted-glasses

We come to the end with Hayama and Shirasaki, and what a sweet ending it was. This is officially my favorite jbl of 2024, and I am so happy it stuck the landing. Also fascinated that counter trope and genre expectations, there was not actually a classic jbl run in this show! Hayama technically ran after Shirasaki when he tried to slink out in the morning, but it happened mostly offscreen and was not in the usual mode of the big realization followed by the frantic run. Hayama thought he had already made himself quite clear, but our Shirasaki needs to be told things several times and with no ambiguity before they will sink in, god bless him. I loved seeing the instant relief in every line of Hayama's body when he finally realized the misunderstanding that was getting in the way, and immediately cleared it up. I also love the way the show faked us out on the show within a show ending, and we saw today that it was definitely a happy one. I do have one real critique: we are missing a beat or two that would have more clearly landed the arc on Shirasaki's lack of confidence both in love and his career. But that is a minor complaint. This is a great drama and everyone should watch it!

Bonus: Ossan no pantsu ga nandatte ii janai ka

Episodes 5 - 7 have been made available on @isaksbestpillow's blog, and I got to watch 5 and 6 before posting this. I still love this show to pieces. I continue to love that this show makes time for all its characters and their struggles. In episode 5, we got to spend more time with Daichi and Madoka and see the origin of their love story, as well as see Makoto learn that being an ally is a bit more complicated than he realized when he accidentally outed them at a family BBQ. I loved this conflict because it made perfect sense for Makoto to think he was doing the right thing by welcoming Madoka and explicitly acknowledging who he is to Daichi--he was trying to express his interest and make it clear they were safe with him. But Madoka is not out and this immediately put him into a state of fear and anxiety. Makoto has much more to learn!

In episode 6 we got to see him process and sincerely apologize for that, and I loved that he asked Daichi not to give up on him. He really is trying his best, but he is simply not equipped for some of the nuances around these issues yet. We also got to see more about Mika in this episode and explore the ways her family takes her for granted. All she wanted was a couple minutes of acknowledgment of her hard work, but they were all too wrapped up in their own stuff to notice. Her thoughts on how women are often expected to give up on their dreams to be caretakers were heartbreaking and resonant, and I really liked that Makoto figured out on his own how they had fucked up and came up with an idea for making her feel seen. The family banding together to get her those kpop tickets was just adorable.

Tagging @bengiyo for a manga update.

[crybabyddl]

Just finished my rewatch of jatp. My perfrct track record of not crying during Unsaid Emily remains untouched. I will say though, I was very close to shedding a tear this time. However, I didn’t even cry during Stand Tall! I always cry during Stand Tall!

Anyways, I couldn’t stop thinking about all the headcanons and theories that us tumblr fantoms created and the little easter eggs we discovered while watching and rewatching the series. It makes me really appreciative of the fact that we had a sense of community during a time where a lot of us were alone, scared, and uninspired. Just like Julie, I felt a renewed sense of purpose and hope. I think that a lot of people felt the same after watching the show. Julie and the Phantoms is what inspired me to learn the piano, the ukulele, and it led me to getting a guitar. When I learned how to play the chords for the soundtrack, I was playing those songs nonstop. It really helped me brave through the unsure feelings that came along with the pandemic. It made me forget my fears about the future.

I don’t feel as hopeful about things as I did back then, but JATP will always be a land-marking point in my life. It represents newfound joy, reignited passion, and abundant vivacity. As someone who loves and is extremely passionate about music, this silly little netflix show really hit me in the most sensitive places. And while I remember having a bout of serious depression after finishing the series, (along with intense rage that while I was dealing with my depression at its lowest point, the cast of jatp was living what felt like my dream) the lessons I learned from the show were far more significant. It literally brought music back into my life, no joke.

The friends I made because of JATP will always have a special place in my heart. A lot of them don’t use tumblr anymore, and I don’t use it nearly as much as I used to, but I’m still so grateful to have been introduced to such kind, accepting, and funny people. The stories, theories, headcanons, fanfictions, moodboards, inside jokes, memes, and fanart we created will always be remembered and cherished. I’m still pro-cheesecake, I’m still highly allergic to sleeves, and every time I see an unnecessary or fake zipper, I think of my fellow tumblr fantoms.

I don’t think I’ll ever truly “get over” Julie and the Phantoms. It was the first thing that truly resonated with my spirit as a new adult. I was 19 and had dropped out of college, feeling completely lost and like I had nothing going for me. Going into lockdown because of the pandemic didn’t help with any of that, and I was aimlessly, endlessly scrolling on social media, hoping to find meaning and purpose. And one day, my friend posted a clip on snapchat of what she was watching on netflix. The guy was cute and it looked like him and the girl he was next to had a nice connection so I asked what show it was. That’s how I discovered JATP, almost 2 weeks after its release. I also just have an unhealthy attachment to the show and the characters so I refuse to let this media that speaks to my soul die.

All that being said, we really deserved another season. I think it would cure me entirely, if I’m being honest. Even if it was just a little Christmas special where they decorate a tree and do those mini stories like filler episodes of a cartoon series. Hell, I’d settle for an animated JATP episode. I just think we all deserve it after what we’ve been through not only as a fandom, but as human beings. I will never forgive netflix for it’s terrible job at promoting, because they only failed when it came to this show specifically. They managed to keep every other show, even ones far less deserving of acclaim and attention, afloat during and after the pandemic. The only reason JATP managed to get anywhere was solely the cast, creators, and fans. Paul Becker was on fucking overdrive, churning out BTS videos WEEKLY. Fanfiction writers were bursting at the seams with multi-chapter series and one shots about every possible scenario. We got things trending on twitter during the two most chronically online years. Fanart was being shared like crazy, and we had the instagram fantoms so confused by the memes that they retaliated and claimed they were superior.

Meanwhile, tumblr was in its shadowbanning era, and fantoms were in the TRENCHES trying to get their content to reach beyond mutuals and taglists. We received barely any appreciation, except for when we trended on twitter asking to renew jatp and on tumblr for jatp appreciation week. Let’s not forget when we thought Owen had a secret tumblr and we all started accusing each other of being him. I will never forget when we all rallied to get Madi to 1 million followers because we didn’t want her to become overshadowed by the boys and all the attention they were getting. We all watched their instagram lives and I will always love the tumblr fantoms who made gifs of the cutest moments from those. Everyone saw me shamelessly simp over Charlie with facial hair wearing a santa onesie. We created a whole Carrie redemption arc out of thin air, we created origin stories for Rose and the Petal Pushers, and we forced the creators of JATP to give us the official last names of Reggie, Alex, and Flynn (This adventure SPECIFICALLY!!!) We were ruthless in our efforts to uncover their last names. We used breadcrumbs to make theories and speculations, only to end up begging in every comment section and dm inbox we could to get Reggie Peters, Alex Mercer, and eventually—though much, much later—Flynn Taylor. We gave Willie more crop tops, we basically storyboarded a second season, complete with episode titles and songs! We uncovered the Sunset Curve EP using the grainiest photos in existence, we created a loose timeline surrounding everyone’s birthdays, deaths, and significant events. We orchestrated a fucking CONCERT TOUR for this band. Oh, and let’s not forget when Kenny and the boys went to Hawaii. That Hawaii trip was so eventful for the fantoms, you have no idea how serious I’m being unless you were there for it. That was something unlike anything else for so many reasons. There’s a lot more, but that’s the stuff that came to mind immediately.

[prince-of-elsinore]

Dear M*A*S*H: S1 Ep 01 “Pilot”

I want to talk about M*A*S*H. The 50-year-old show that, completely unexpectedly, has captured my heart and mind. I finished the series just over one week ago and had to force myself not to immediately begin a rewatch. Now that I’ve had a bit of time to process, though, I’m eager to dive and dig back in, to pick apart what makes this show tick and what made it resonate with me. I want to take my time this go-around (though I expect that will be difficult) and document my thoughts on episodes and characters as the show morphs and grows. I don’t know if I’ll make posts for every episode (that’s a lot) or how long I can keep this up tbh, and I make no promises as to the eloquence or deepness of all my reactions (sometimes you just wanna stare at Mike Farrell’s fuzzy chest amirite). But this show left my brain buzzing with how much there is to talk about and, well, it’s my blog, so here goes.

Korea, 1950: a hundred years ago

What a line to open on. When the show first aired in 1972, it was only 22 years ago. But maybe for audiences jaded by 7 years of direct American entanglement in Vietnam, the first war with moving images broadcast directly into living rooms across the nation, swiftly drawing to an embarrassing and disastrous conclusion, this other war did seem like a hundred years ago. That other, “lesser” war sandwiched between the heroically fought Second World War and the unprecedentedly divisive living nightmare of Vietnam. The supertitle is a simultaneous reminder to the audience of a conflict not often discussed around dinner tables, despite its relative recency (almost as recent to them then as the Iraq War is to us now), and an acknowledgment of how very, very distant it feels. What fascinates me most is how it positions the story we’re about to see as a fable of sorts from a distant time and place, presaging--somewhat paradoxically--the show’s perpetual relevance. This is Korea. It is also every war.

Then, the rest of the cold open. Visual storytelling at its finest! In a brief series of images we glean not only a sense of who our major players are at their cores, but also the notion that at the 4077, not all is as it seems. Two men in Hawaiian shirts playing golf: a familiar sight, until--kaboom, the ball lands in a minefield. A surgeon and nurse work over an unseen patient--oh, no, it’s a bottle of champagne. A man and woman in uniform studiously read a Bible and medical manual--while playing footsie under the table. So, Hawkeye and Trapper are the happy-go-lucky types who don’t see being in a war zone as any reason not to get their kicks where they can; Henry may appear official on the outside (though as we’ll soon see, rarely even that) but really he’s concerned with having a good time with a nurse (it strikes me this could also be an appropriate establishing situation for our two leads, but it’s even more fitting for Henry who is consistently negligent in his duties as Commanding Officer for the sake of sensual indulgence); and Margaret and Frank put on a hypocritical show of military and Christian officiousness while succumbing to their baser desires like anyone else.

Perhaps the implied injunction to look beneath the surface is nothing more than a promise to audiences of what kind of comedy the show will deliver. Perhaps it’s a commentary on the absurdity of life in wartime and under military jurisdiction (people will be people, no matter how many rule books you throw at them). I doubt the show intended this at the time, but I also see an early indication of the ethos that will come to permeate the series: that the truth--and often, our shared humanity--is found in looking closer, not making snap judgments based on superficial features. In any case, this much is clear: your expectations will be subverted. What is familiar becomes foreign, what’s foreign is familiar. It’s a topsy-turvy world. That’s the oldest root of comedy; it’s also war.

“Par is a live patient”

We get Hawkeye’s first “Dear Dad” over our first O.R. scene, conveniently filling us in on the what and why of the 4077 and meatball surgery. It’s also a thesis statement of sorts. They’re there to save lives, not for glory or to be pretty or precious about their work. Life: the number one concern of a doctor, and the number one thing that war takes away. In some ways, a doctor in a war zone is a paradox. This will be Hawkeye’s struggle straight through to the end of the series. He’s more needed here than he could be at any General Practice or stateside hospital, but what the hell is he doing here? He keeps fixing bodies--just enough to keep them clinging to life--only for the war and the army he works for to keep breaking them.

Back at the Swamp, Hawkeye voices a sentiment we’ll often hear repeated over the 11 seasons to come: invite the North and South to a cocktail party. Last one standing wins the war. Here, it’s a throwaway joke, but as we’ll come to see, the tragedy of Hawkeye Pierce is that he simply cannot grasp, cannot accept, how human beings, given the chance to just talk to one another, cannot come to an understanding, or at least an agreement, and settle their differences without resorting to killing.

All right, on to Lieutenant Dish. The scheme to auction off a nurse, even for the good cause of sending Ho-Jon to college in the States, is cringe-inducing today, as is the awkward montage of Hawkeye’s dogged pursuit of the lieutenant. The show’s misogyny, especially in its early seasons, is by far the hardest aspect for me to stomach. If, however, you take what is shown at face-value, as intended, there’s no harm, no foul here. The Dish-Hawkeye dynamic walks a thin line. Yes, she rejects him over and over and he ignores her over and over. Yet, even as she claims to be saving herself for her fiance, Dish seems indulgent towards Hawkeye, and later at the party even flirtatious. So, she enjoys the attention. Convenient and typical of an attractive woman written by and for men. At the same time, it doesn’t take any stretch of imagination to see that flirtation and sex are some of the only outlets available to the women of the camp, and that they could enjoy it just as much as the men.

I do want to know what the hell the plan was with the raffle of the weekend passes. Father Mulcahy winning is simply too convenient. (Incidentally, I feel robbed of seeing William Christopher react to his name being drawn. I’m looking forward to more familiar faces rounding out the supporting cast.)

The party scene also provides the stark juxtaposition of revelry and Hawkeye dancing cheek-to-cheek with his conquest with the sobering reality of their purpose, the raison d’être of the whole camp. To his credit, Hawkeye looks appropriately grave as he informs Margaret that they’ll be operating on a fresh batch of wounded within hours. While the 4077 dances and drinks, Canadian troops are fighting and dying not far off. Not only is this the linchpin of the episode, the get-out-of-jail-free card for Hawkeye and Trapper after all their shenanigans behind Henry’s back, but also a stamp of credibility for so much of the show. How on earth can these clowns get away these schemes, in the army, of all places? Because they are indispensable. Not only are they surgeons, they are the best at what they do. And once again the hypocrisy of army rules and regulations reveals itself; if everything were done by the book, to the letter, the army would cease to function. It would regulate and court martial itself into obsolescence. (Though, as is pointed out more than once in later episodes, would that really be a bad thing?)

Okay, some more thoughts, now as bullet points so I can wrap this up:

I’m watching without the laugh track, and boy is its absence obvious here in a way it never is later on. The pacing is off, much of the comedy wooden. Still, I prefer this subdued, awkward version of the show to the one with the incongruous canned audience. I think watching it this way allowed me to see so much more.

We get a “Come on, Mary” from Hawkeye to Trapper in the first six minutes! And they facetiously, effeminately point their noses in the air in unison as they walk away from Frank. They’re so in sync straight from the start and I love to see it.

I’m so glad the show left these awkward montages and flashbacks (Hawkeye with Dish, Margaret with General Hammond) behind.

Margaret’s limp hair and awful bangs make me sad.

I forgot The Still (tm) is not with us from the start! I assume they build it after Frank breaks their rudimentary barrel gin mill.

Oh, the bucket hat. Odd that it stays with us in the opening credits for the entire series run, when it feels so odd to see Hawkeye wearing it.

Radar is a surprisingly smooth operator here, even devious. He’s no dummy but it’s odd seeing him like this before he became more the wide-eyed innocent kid.

What is the true origin of “Hot Lips”?? Hawkeye calls her that seemingly off the cuff, and her reaction makes it seem like it’s a new nickname. Then Hammond shows up and calls her the same thing. Is this simply a case of Impossible Coincidence Played for Comedy?

I don’t think I got it the first time around that Margaret recognizes the gauze-covered Frank by his butt when she goes to give him the injection. One of the better jokes of the episode imo.

I listened to the Mashcast podcast for the episode and they were puzzled by the use of Japanese covers of popular songs. I assume that this was because Japan was so firmly established as a base of US military operations, a place every G.I. would pass through on their way to Korea, and where they would hope to go for R&R. I assume (but have not done research to confirm) that radio stations they might get would play Japanese tunes like this. The Japanese cover of “Happy Days,” for instance, seems like a nostalgic choice for US servicemen of the era.

Biggest laugh for me: Such a simple moment, but when Hawkeye and Trapper come into Henry’s office and shake hands with a “How are you, Henry?” and he responds, a little wary and knowing, a little sad-sack, “That’s not what you guys came to ask. I mean, the last thing you wanna know when you ask ‘how are you’ is how am I.” God, I really love Henry.

Parting thoughts: In retrospect, the pilot does a better job than I would’ve suspected in setting up not only the characters but also the lasting themes of the show, even while striking a tone a world away from what the show would become. Not a particularly good or funny episode, but it’s rewarding to rewatch and see the pebble drop into the pool, sending out the rings that will reverberate far into the future.

[aceteling]

so, Pokemon Journeys ended...

it’s funny that Satoshi is retiring now.... The OG anipoke series was my introduction to pkmn when I was a very tiny kid (4 years old!), then I only watched bits and pieces of episodes randomly caught on TV, but I really got into Journeys as an adult.... I watched the first and last series for Satoshi without knowing they are that asdfgfds but for real, Journeys felt like a perfect wrap-up for anipoke as it was - pretty much every past companion came back/was mentioned, we saw what they’re doing and what they plan to do in the future, Satoshi formed probably the deepest bond he’s ever had with someone (thank you Gou you are king), and Gou was the epitome of what pokemon as a franchise stands for - catching them all! We saw Satoshi become a world champion, we saw legendary pokemon, we had adventures and thrills and lovable new characters and cozy slice-of-life episodes... I’m so grateful for Journeys being there for me every week, and no matter how shitty the week was, listening to 1 2 3 never failed to make me smile. also it’s nice to think Gou will be remembered as Satoshi’s last companion. The boy was his best friend, his perfect match, and it sucked so much watching all the hate directed at him for no reason at all... Gou deserved so much more, his character resonated with me, even though I’m a full-grown adult and he’s an animated 10 year old... I saw bits of my younger self in him, and I’m proud to say he is my favorite pokemon character. I’d love to see more of him, I’d love for Journeys to continue, but if it has to end, I’d much rather it ends with both Gou and Satoshi leaving. That way I can imagine them post-canon; the ending reaffirmed their deep bond, and I’m sure their journies will intertwine once more soon enough edit: so... Gou, Satoshi and Koharu are all in the same area in the aftercredits?? holy shit reunion came sooner than I thought asdfgdfg

[crehador]

MORE OVERTAKE SPOILERS ep7 holy shit

we're seeing more concrete details of kouya's past now and god, like none of it is especially surprising, we could have already put the picture together more or less

but it really is a perfectly crafted tragedy because it's like kota says, kouya couldn't have saved her whether he took the picture or not but at the same time the public outrage isn't surprising

this isn't like taking a photo of the notre dame as it burns, a kid died. and while photojournalism is about capturing significant moments in history, it's an understandably human reaction to feel outrage at seeing this photo of a child who died just moments after

of course kouya didn't deserve that level of hate, of course he couldn't have done anything either way, but it's just such an expected, inevitable tragedy that its sadness feels especially pronounced to me

although the series has thoroughly impressed me so far, i'm still a bit wary of how the rest of kouya's story will unfold. what he was thinking in the moment when he took that photo, why he published it afterwards, and what caused him to stop being able to take photos (the awful feeling of not being able to do something more than take a photo, or just the fear of being criticized again?)

he's a very sympathetic character to me right now, because it's easy to think maybe he didn't choose to publish the photo, maybe it was taken out of his hands (much like he didn't choose to publish the photo of haruka crying)

but even if he did choose to publish it, even if his fear is of the public outlash... i don't think it would make him a worse character. maybe less sympathetic, but still fascinating and well-written

so it'll be hard for the show to go wrong from here, they've set up honestly a much more nuanced and riveting character backstory than i would have thought possible

moving on from that HARUKA'S FUCKING APOLOGY SCENE HOLY SHIT this was such a prickly standoffish kid at first and his apology was so earnest and from the heart, and kouya DIDN'T EVEN HEAR IT and even if haruka gets the chance to say it again IT'LL NEVER BE THE SAME I'M BITING ELECTRIC CABLES RIGHT NOW

it's kind of incredible to me, from a craft standpoint, that on the surface haruka's journey and kouya's journey are two completely separate things, their trauma doesn't stem from remotely the same thing, they have different goals, they're basically different in every way. and yet there's still a resonance there, that enables them to help and understand each other (which i think is what makes it so much more effective and impactful when they misunderstand each other)

haruka's growth is unfolding brilliantly as well, and though the focus is more on kouya right now, the story still feels so absurdly well-balanced

on a kind of side note i'm also obsessed with kota in this episode, it's a simple thing but the parallel of him like telling arisu to visit harunaga and telling haruka to just go see kouya? god i feel for this kid, he's such a good kid

like these are presumably his two best friends, at least from what we've seen, and his whole role in this episode (kind of in the whole story in some ways) is to push them towards other people

because it's the right thing to do, yeah, and it's what his friends need to hear, but man he should not be alone either!

anyway absolutely captivated, very much looking forward to next week in which my thoughts are sure to become even less coherent lol

[mr-geargrinder]

Star Trek Rewatch Thoughts

Finished my rewatch of DS9, Voyager, and TNG. I've lost count of how many times I've rewatched TNG and DS9, but this was only my second time going through Voyager, because it just didn't click with me the first time through. Anyways, here's some thoughts.

TNG is fascinating to me because you can see them assembling the show as they go. They change plans pretty drastically, remove and bring back characters, and try to salvage others with a few last minute episodes. That left a permanent mark on the way I think about storytelling.

TNG is a pretty goofy show, but it takes itself seriously and there's a lot to be said about how dedication to the bit and some really charming actors doing their best can totally overshadow cheap sets and silly technobabble... and even when it doesn't, those goofy moments are still very charming too.

I only skipped a handful of episodes and most of them were Troi or Wesley episodes, for obvious reasons. Troi got a lot of bad episodes and Wesley is... Wesley. Someone who kind of embodied all the worst parts of Gene Roddenberry's silly utopian wish fulfillment fantasies. One of the things that I never noticed before was how the last season was filled with so many bad episodes, followed by one of the best series finales ever made.

Voyager was less bad than I remember. I found myself liking certain characters a lot more and hating others much more intensely. Janeway, Tuvok, and Neelix really clicked with me this time. I recall Neelix being hated for being the silly comic relief character, but he's got some depth! He's a sincerely, genuinely good person who is trying his hardest for the people around him and that really resonated with me this time around. Especially his interactions with Tuvok (minus the Tuvix episode).

Tom Paris ended up being the guy I liked the least because his three traits are "pilot", being a general shithead, and reminding Harry about every single time he messed up romantically in a list, over and over, and none of that really helped them sell him as a roguish hotshot with a heart of gold, or whatever. He's just a shithead.

Skipping episodes helped me to enjoy Voyage a lot more. Almost anything to do with Chakotay was skipped immediately. His bullshit tribal mysticism, literally made up by a con-artist who convinced Hollywood he was a Native American and an expert cultural consultant, did not endear him to me in any way. Robert Beltran did his best to portray the character with dignity and wisdom, but Chakotay just suuuuucks. The inclusion of the Maquis subplot was also a pretty big waste of effort, but the fact that it gets ignored for most of the series makes it easy for me to ignore.

Anything to do with the Kazon got skipped too. They're just lamer, dumber, more irrational Klingons and they have nothing of value to add to any story they're featured in. That also meant skipping a lot of the Seska plot, which was Chakotay heavy anyways, and I don't regret that. Seska was not compelling at all.

Likewise, the Vidiians got skipped without hesitation. Not only do I hate the body horror aspect, but they were an attempt to create a sympathetic monster faction in Trek, but they're just.... irredeemably bad. There's no reason for anyone to allow the Vidiians to keep living. Not because of their disease, but because they are organ stealing monsters who hack random people to bits to extend their lifespans a tiny bit, so they can keep stealing more organs. No thank you. Fuck off. Go away. There's a reason no one talks about you.

DS9 remains my favorite Star Trek. It's got some rough episodes, and it struggles at time between being a planet/anomaly/random-space-threat of the week and a smaller scale, single-location focused kind of story, but the entire cast does a fantastic job of switching between the two without skipping a beat.

I don't think there's a single character on DS9 that I can say I dislike and the few I could complain about are mostly ones who were there for a single episode or just didn't have the benefit of a few more seasons to develop them as much as we got with characters like Jake and Nog. Speaking of which, Jake and Nog are such a perfect example of how you can have kid characters in a trek show and have them work and develop naturally and feel like a natural part of the story.

One of the things that struck me that never occurred to me before is that DS9 is a show that is very, very much about the concept of "home" and all the complex ways the character interpret and grapple with that concept. Quark and Garak have a fantastic scene towards the end of the series where they both commiserate about how their home planets are changing rapidly and how they'll never be able to return to the planets they once knew. It's kinda there in nearly every character and plot and it's really fascinating.

I think the only episodes I skipped were a few of the "It's time to make O'Brien suffer!" episodes, and that one specific episode where they meet that insane lady who forces her anti-technology beliefs on everyone by lying to them and abusing them, and the moral of the story is "actual this is good and she's right!" -- Fuck that episode. I'd rather watch the board game episode.

The last stretch of the Dominion War is a little uneven, but it's still a strong arc overall. Could've maybe done without the Pah-Wraith stuff, and the Ezri and Bashir subplot is a little weak, but those are nitpicks.

Anyways, go watch Star Trek.

[darkhalo4321]

Imma talk shop a bit. By shop I mean, webcomics. and by webcomics, I'm gonna highlight one I HAD to read recently because of what the author/artist said about a specific character in said comic. So let's dive in and talk about EQUALIZE ( a crime/mystery drama! but it has romance elements that I focus on entirely too much >:3c ) (All pictures of the comic link to tapas, and the twitter quote links to the actual thread, so you can read it for yourself) (I read it on Tapas, but it's also on webtoons) Here we have Crow- he is my favorite. For obvious reasons. Look at his fashion!

a Bi in deNIal. (I know I really forced that rhyme)

He is an informant working for the police to find a kidnapper and he also knows something that no one else knows but everyone WANTS to know which, naturally, paints a target on his back.

He also doesn't know how to knock on doors. He just picks the lock. ( now I know you're probably thinking, INvaSIoN of PrIVacY, but it's a funny gag, and it's fiction so calm down and don't get worked up over it. Nic yells at him for it anyway)

We also have Nic, he's just... SUCH a great foil for Crow. He's way more relaxed and chill, and takes things as they come. Wants to do more than stand on the sidelines. The "tired of running from problems, tired of not being strong enough to protect the ones I love" person and we get to see that growth as he works with Crow through various near death situations. Now see, Nic is important because while saving Crow from being kidnapped, he manifests a strange power

The mark appears on his hand and what it does is equalizes... the strength of him and his opponent... I think- Uh don't quote me on that, my attention isn't really on HOW the powers work It's literally on the characters and their struggles. Terrible I know. How dare I only focus on the story beats I LIKE and not know every single thing about this comic inside and out, THE NERVE- Btw there are other uses with other symbols and they have different powers so like, if you wanna read it to see how that pans out, do it! It's all plot relevant! :D I do kind of pay attention. But back on task, Nic has this power that gives him an edge in helping Crow out, so he gets cleared to help! Which is great because it's the buddy cop duo we all love and adore-

complete with the "when you try to follow a lead and it ALL GOES HORRIBLY WRONG" and it brings the two buddies closer

now I won't spoil too much for you, Just tease you enough to make you read it, of course, but I will say, that all these juicy details weren't what drew me into reading this comic. Nope. It was literally just interacting with the creator, and what they said about Crow from one of the episodes of Crow's slow self discovery. I'll post the exact exchange that was said by the artist themself below. vvvv

The part that REALLY resonated with me was

Because a freaking week before this episode went live, I had just come to terms with the very same thing about myself. XD I was like "I'm pan, but don't talk about it, I can't ever really come out because of where I live and how most of my immediate family would not approve" yadda yadda. Most of you know about that if you read the read more- don't read those. I'm just screaming into the wind. Now I'm more relaxed about it, but like, I read that and KNEW and UNDERSTOOD that struggle. The rejecting the way you feel about something. The other reason I wanted to read it was also because I have a character named Crow, and they look similar! I think Celly's Crow is smarter than mine though, but I think my Crow is stronger than Celly's Crow XD

All in all, this series is SO fun, it's got the buddy cop vibe down, with your good strong story beats, interconnecting web of events, and balances the comedy with the main plot seamlessly. The comedy is top notch and it had me laughing OUT LOUD and rooting for characters- The personalities, the struggles, the past conflicts and where characters are at headspace wise and growth wise feels very realistic and it draws you in.

And I love the art so much. It's unique and stands out and the colors are so fitting for the characters, and I've drawn fanart for this series already don't @ me, I already ship crowxnic and they are the cutest. when canon? when kiss for real? That ends my lil essay about this series. Celly is super nice! So, go find them on Instagram or the site formerly know as Twitter. -> Sunnycelly. (this links to instagram) And go read this comic! NOW go FORTH and read some buddy cop BL for goodness sake. (it's not LISTED as a romance, but I see the BROMANCE) (I was so sold on the comedy of the series though too, I cannot express enough how engaging this series is. I love it an unhealthy amount)

[memryse]

The magic of 3rd Life, or why such a simple hardcore miniseries works as well as it does

For a series which only lasted for eight sessions, 3rd Life has had a profound impact on the MCYT fandom. While it did go comparatively unnoticed on Twitter (as is consistent with YouTube-based Minecraft content as a whole, admittedly), Tumblr and other platforms have fallen in love with this series, and it’s become a vector for many fans to familiarise themselves with Hermitcraft and Empires SMP as well. But at its core, 3rd Life is a simple vanilla survival series with a gimmick. What about it resonates so much with so many people?

I would argue that its simplicity, its small cast, its vanilla gameplay “with a twist” is certainly part of it. It’s an easy series to consume, with many POVs totalling four hours or less, and it doesn’t require any prior knowledge of any of the members. Its mechanics are easy to understand. As a standalone, it functions perfectly – it’s immersive and can be followed easily by anyone, regardless of any prior knowledge they may or may not have. However, these factors alone don’t quite encompass what makes 3rd Life so special. Its true charm point lies in the format of the series, and how well it utilises improv.

[more below the cut; this is a fairly long post about 3rd/Last Life meta and my love of its improv. I'm mostly talking about 3rd Life here as it's a completed series, but this most definitely does apply to Last Life as well]

3rd Life is an entirely improv-based series. Whilst members may have a brief concept of the direction they’d like to take their series in – how heavily they want to roleplay, for example – the actual content of each session is fully improvised. Each episode is recorded in one three-hour block, and members are not allowed to play on the server outside of the allotted time other than specifically to finish builds. This time constraint prevents any planning from going into each episode, and interactions between players are completely spontaneous. Players simply run around the map looking for others to interact with (which is significantly easier with the limited world border) and chat about various events on the server, form alliances or deals, etc.

By definition, this almost completely negates the possibility of bad writing. Each player’s reaction to any server event is spontaneous, a legitimate reaction; they aren’t trying to play any specific roles or shoehorn in any specific events (with the exception of the Red King/Hand of the King roles, who were still completely improvising). Even the finale – a distinctly heart-wrenching and tragic scene – was improvised without Grian or Scar attempting to tell any specific story. According to Martyn, they weren’t roleplaying, they didn’t have any aims with that scene. It just happened to turn out in the way that it did, and they were legitimately sorry to one another. The server progressed in this natural way, and every person’s perspective tells a completely different story. It’s hard to identify any specific heroes or villains – fans of the Dream SMP can surely relate to this feeling, but I would argue that 3rd Life takes this one step further. 3rd Life is a tragedy from all perspectives, a tragedy which tells one cohesive story in its entirety before stopping as abruptly as it began.

3rd Life hinges entirely on its interactions between its members. Whilst solo content does exist – base building, for example – the majority of each session is spent interacting with others. 3rd Life is carried by its dialogue; nothing else drives the story, and yet many episodes are between 30 minutes and an hour long. It’s that dialogue-heavy. Members of the server have expressed trouble with even editing their videos because there is so much key dialogue that they don’t want to cut. People don’t watch 3rd Life for the actual gameplay, at all – there’s so little of it! They watch it for how each member interacts with the people around them. This is something not found in any other SMP I’ve encountered. SMPs livestreamed on Twitch have plenty of downtime, and people will happily watch streams on that SMP no matter what’s occurring on the server; people often watch them for their interest in specific members. Other currently popular YouTube SMPs, namely Hermitcraft and Empires, are well-balanced between solo content and interactions, and all server content hinges on the members’ various skills like building and redstone. 3rd Life is, to my knowledge, the only SMP which does not rely on building or redstone skills (what’s the point, when they’ll be dead the next week?), it doesn’t rely on the creator doing solo work talking to their chat, it doesn’t rely on planned roleplay. People legitimately just want to hear various members talking to each other. It’s a fascinatingly unique series in this regard. This dialogue-heavy aspect of 3rd Life ties back to my earlier point about 3rd Life feeling like a completely different series from all perspectives; with all of this dialogue being conveyed through proximity chat, so many events are entirely left out of other POVs, or presented in very different lights.

The pure improv format also helps significantly with worldbuilding, whilst also leaving plenty to the imagination. MCYT fandoms always require a significant amount of imagination to become invested in them, let alone make fan content of them, and 3rd Life is no exception to this. As discussed in this post, which was incidentally the inspiration for me to write this one, 3rdLife is full of lines which flesh out the series, which illustrate what happened better than can be shown in Minecraft. These lines are improvised on the spot, and are often complete throwaway lines in the creators’ eyes. In the fans’ eyes, they make 3rd Life feel alive, they provide plenty of material on which to base headcanons. Again, this isn’t necessarily unique to 3rd Life, it’s a common aspect of all Minecraft series, but I think this is where the rather angsty nature of 3rd Life comes into play. A dramatic survival game, entirely unscripted, with all events hinging entirely on your interpretation of them? It’s not hard to see why 3rd Life fans are so creative with character designs and fanfiction – hell, a lot of 3rd Life fics simply narrate canon in their own more dramatic light. Canon-compliant fics are significantly more common for 3rd Life than other fandoms I've encountered, because people hear these simple lines and want to dramatise them, put their own spins on them. I don't feel that this would be possible with any other series, not to the extent that 3rd Life fans do it. Other series' canon is either already dramatic, and so rehashing it can feel repetitive, or so lighthearted that people write AUs/new storylines. 3rd Life strikes a brand-new balance.

The development of its characters is also bolstered by improv. As no events on the server are pre-planned, members have to react completely spontaneously to anything that occurs. They don’t get time to think – only to react as though they genuinely were in that situation. As I said at the start, 3rd Life inherently lacks bad writing, because it’s not written. Ren, for instance, began 3rd Life as a kind and harmless person, with others often walking right over him. His reaction to his death by Grian and Scar’s trap spurs him to become the Red King; he raises an army and goes to war, and ends the series having taken countless lives, becoming hardened by war. He begins Last Life by isolating himself from others, seeming jaded and unwilling to form alliances, ready for another war to break out. Being improvised, it’s impossible to say how much of this was deliberate, or if Ren just started building his base without thinking about continuity from the previous season. This improv is what makes it feel so natural. It isn’t planned beforehand. This is Ren’s natural reaction to starting Last Life. It makes his character feel so much more real than it would if this was all scripted beforehand.

3rd Life is, overall, a testament to the power of improv. It manages to be compelling and dramatic without any acting feeling forced or wooden. Its characters’ arcs feel natural, because they are natural. Placing such a heavy emphasis on dialogue, with the gimmick of the server being a vehicle for interactions to happen rather than the sole appeal of the series, makes it truly feel as though we’re getting a glimpse into the characters’ lives, rather than watching a story which has been written beforehand. We get to watch everything unfold in real time. 3rd Life has a magic to it that, to my knowledge, no other SMP has been able to recreate.

[fictionadventurer]

I have never watched any Star Trek. It's such a cultural icon, I'd love to be a little conversant in it, but every time I think about getting into it, I'm so intimidated because there's soooo much of it! If one wanted to dabble, to take in some of the absolute classics, where would you recommend one start?

To be honest, I'm not much more than a dabbler myself, and my usual approach is to Google "Best Episodes of Star Trek", either as a whole or specifying a particular series I feel like watching. The lists will rarely lead you wrong, and they'll quickly make you conversant with the best-known plot points.

I'd say pick a series that appeals to you, try out the best couple of episodes, and if it appeals to you, dig deeper. Or move on to the next series. The great thing about Star Trek is that it's so episodic that you can pick and choose individual episodes and still generally follow the story.

If you want a little more guidance, here's a basic overview of what to expect from each series.

Star Trek: The original. It's where it all started, but it has a very different vibe from everything that came after, because it's so very, very '60s. Clunky sets, colored lighting, shouty acting. Square-jawed heroes who punch bad guys and fall in love with the girl of the week before delivering an earnest speech. It's very old-school adventure, and that's a big part of its charm. Focuses heavily on the central trio of Kirk, Spock and Bones and their differing personalities approaches to space adventure. Honestly, if you watch "The Trouble with Tribbles" and "City on the Edge of Forever", you will understand at least 60% of the cultural references to this show, but I'll also put in a plug for "Balance of Terror", which is an excellent battle story that introduces the Romulans, who happen to be my favorite Star Trek villains.

The Next Generation: The more cultured, civilized cousin to the original. They're still out exploring strange new worlds, but there's a kinder, gentler vibe to the show. The ship is more plush, the crew generally gets along, and a lot of the episodes are more focused on philosophy than punching. Most of my Star Trek experience is with this series, and there's a common cultural idea that this is "the best one" (at least after Riker grows the beard in Season 2). The one absolute must-watch is "The Best of Both Worlds: Part 1 and 2", because this is a turning point for the entire Trek franchise: establishing one of their best villains, giving a plot twist that resonates through multiples series, and providing a cliffhanger that changed television and Trek forever. But I don't recommend starting there. Watch at least a few other episodes to get to know the characters first. The show's so episodic that it doesn't matter which episodes, but I'll give a few options.

I started with "Elementary, My Dear Data", which gave me an enduring love for Data and holodeck stories, and "The Measure of a Man", which may be peak TNG vibes: Data story, big philosophical question, and iconic Picard speech.

Basically any Data-focused episode is worth watching, because either Data is tearing out your heartstrings or Brent Spiner is chewing the scenery.

If you truly want to understand TNG, you must watch at least one Q episode. "Q Who" is the one episode you should probably watch before "The Best of Both Worlds" because it introduces the Borg.

"Darmok" is a must-watch, especially for someone on tumblr (you'll understand when you see it).

You must watch "I, Borg", because it might be my favorite (but only after you watch "The Best of Both Worlds").

I'll recommend the timey-wimey ones: "Yesterday's Enterprise", "Remember Me", "Future Imperfect" and "Cause and Effect".

"Second Chances" is far, far better than a ridiculous "transporter clone" story has any right to be.

And I'll give a shout-out to "The Defector", because that's one of my favorites--it's so very Shakespearean--but I've never seen on "best-of" lists.

Deep Space Nine: The dark and gritty one. The Wild West town, except it's a space station on the edge of a wormhole. This one has darker, more troubled characters and darker, more troubled storylines, though there are still plenty of light-hearted hours. I've only seen a couple of episodes, so I can't really give recs, but I will caution that this is more serialized than the other shows are, especially in the Dominion War arc in the latter half of the series. This is often hailed as "the best Star Trek" by devoted factions of science fiction fans, even though it subverts Star Trek's usually optimistic worldview.

Voyager: The red-headed stepchild of Trek. This is beloved by girls who grew up watching Captain Janeway, and tolerated at best by everyone else. It's an attempt to return to the episodic exploration of the original series, with mixed success. It has some interesting characters--I find them more interesting in some ways than the more uniformly white and blandly competent TNG crew--who aren't always portrayed or used well. The show's got a rough reputation, but when it's good, it's very, very good. Probably the series where you're best served by picking-and-choosing the good ones. "Year of Hell" is usually held up as "what Voyager should have been", because for once their 70-year journey through uncharted space has them struggling with limited resources far from help. So far, my personal favorite (and Captain Janeway's) is "Counterpoint", which is about Janeway struggling with whether to trust (and fall in love with) a dangerous defector. "Living Witness" and "The Blink of an Eye" are excellent explorations of story and history, and "The Muse" is so cool because it reimagines Voyager as an epic in the style of The Odyssey and Greek plays.

Enterprise: The usually forgotten younger brother of Star Trek. This is set a century or so before the original series, before the Federation really existed and when humans were first exploring deep space in a ship called Enterprise. I haven't seen much of it, but it's kind of fun for a different spin on the Star Trek universe--people who don't know what they're doing, struggling with more limited technology and a more complicated world. I've heard it gets weirdly sensual at times, in a more juvenile way than the other shows. Consensus is that it's an interesting premise that never quite lives up to its potential, until a much-better third season that unfortunately wasn't enough to save it from cancellation.

When it comes to the movies: Common wisdom is that you watch the even-numbered movies and skip the odd-numbered ones (and movies II and IV are by far the ones most referenced by the culture). But Star Trek isn't well-suited for movies, so you don't miss too much by skipping them.

As far as the new shows, you can check them out if you want, but those aren't a part of the culture in the same way as the others, because they're new and because they're on a more specialized streaming service, and most of the shows aren't family-friendly. And they also heavily lean on nostalgia from the previous shows, so it's not a great place to start. I do highly recommend the animated kids show Prodigy, for having ten excellent episodes with good characters (though it does bring a Star Wars vibe to Star Trek). I'm also cautiously enjoying Strange New Worlds for its excellent characters and mostly-clean content, even though so far, its episodes are little more than remixes of stories from the original and TNG with better cinematography.

[emotionallyits2009]

deancas fic rec list!

hello everyone! happy christmas to those who celebrate it, my gift to you is my fic rec list that i said i would make like a month ago. the only thing it is organized by is canonverse vs alternate universe. tried to cover a variety of subjects but there are in particular many fics of the genre “postcanon where cas is human and he and dean live together and slowly finally get their shit together” because i know what i’m about, son. HOPE U ENJOY. and if you wanna talk about any of them or rec me other fics please do. :) 

Canonverse:

where the weeds take root by deathbanjo, 30k, explicit “Are you happy? Y’know. Just—being here,” Dean says, gesturing to the yard with his beer bottle. “Being with—I mean, you used to fight in celestial wars and—and save the world. Now you’re growing vegetables and talking about chickens.” There are many fics set in a post-canon universe where Cas is human and he and Dean live together and slowly fall into a relationship. Imo this one is the best of the best of that genre. This was one of the first fics I read back in July when I was getting Back Into Supernatural where I was like oh fuck I’m like in this. Dean builds Cas planters and bookshelves and a chicken coop and they fight and work through it.

Cuckoo And Nest by komodobits, 10k, explicit For a long time, Castiel thought that every earthly possession other than the immediately necessary was excess to requirement. But Dean – Dean who named his car, who keeps a photograph of his mother in his wallet, some thirty-plus years after her death, who still has the crumpled ‘Do Not Disturb’ sign with a sleeping pelican emblazoned on it from the Microtel outside of Roanoke where he first kissed Castiel, clumsy and unsure, under the unsteady fluorescence of an exhausted bathroom bulb – is sentimental. It puzzles Castiel, where Dean draws the line between what is meaningful and what it is worthless. Really Gets the dynamic of Cas doesn’t think Dean wants him to stay/Dean thinks Cas will leave the first chance he gets. Also a nice example of Cas thinking he’s not wanted if he’s not useful/powerful and being told otherwise. Another all-time fave!

lonely hearts by outphastthemoat, 4.5k, gen He thinks he might give up having his own anything just to be able to step foot inside the room next door and sit on the edge of Dean’s bed instead. This one is for the CAS GIRLS who know what LONELINESS feels like.

Helionneiros by aeli_kindara, 24.2k, mature In which Dean visits his mother, and Claire takes Cas on a hunt. I’m always on the lookout for more fic with Claire and Jack. Jack doesn’t show up until the end here but the relationship between Cas and Claire is really nice.

Crawl by aeriallon, 11k, explicit It’s been almost four years since Castiel left Kansas; he'd eventually settled in an island town where he has a job, a house, and a life without the Winchesters. Every winter, Dean drives down to the coast to see him. Another fic where Cas is human but in this one he took some time for himself and got some distance from the Winchesters! He gets to be competent and weird as a human and we love that for him. I must warn you all that this fic contains one use of the phrase “making love” which would normally put me right off but it’s still worth reading. The first of a three-part series.

home where you hold me by microcomets, 1.6k, gen Cas and Dean, in the moments between their battles, ache for quiet spaces. Technically this is a coda to 10x20 but you don’t need the episode for context. Short and very sweet.

Build a Home by domesticadventures, 20.1k, teen After they save the world, Dean expects Cas to come back to the bunker with them. He doesn’t. This one is so cute it’s like what if once they were done saving the world Sam and Dean actually invited other hunters to move into the bunker with them. Obviously Dean wants that to include Cas but doesn’t know how to use his words.

the taste of gravel in the mouth by deathbanjo, 22.4k, explicit This is what Cas gave up Heaven for: greasy diner food, shitty motel rooms with even shittier cable, long car rides spent in complete silence except for the same six tapes playing over and over again, and a burnt-out husk of a man who can barely hold a conversation anymore. Angst fic! They go on a road trip and Dean is severely fucked up post-Mark of Cain.

Unknown Quantities by xylodemon, 8.6k, explicit No one ever tells Dean anything. Another nice getting-together fic.

Creature of Habit by trinityofone, 5.2k, teen The more you love someone, the more you want to kill them. Or: How Cas developed some bad habits, and Dean coped surprisingly well. This one is ancient by destiel standards (written during season 5) but it manages to nail the married couple vibes they give off in later seasons. Cas is a bitch and Dean likes him so much. <3

The (Mostly Accidental) Courtship of Dean Winchester by Tuesday, 11.2k, mature Angelic marriage rites were never intended to go quite like this. Another old one that is a lot of fun! They get Accidental Angel Married and if you don’t enjoy dumb fanfiction tropes like that I don’t know what to say to you.

Vena Amoris and Other Old-Fashioned Bullshit by pyrebi, 4k, teen In which angelic marriage bonds are apparently stupidly easy to trigger, Cas wages multidimensional war in Heaven, Dean can't catch a break like ever, Sam rather enjoys being a dick, love saves the day, and nobody consummates anything. The OTHER accidental angel marriage fic written in 2010. 

Crazy Diamonds by pantheon_of_discord, 24.8k, explicit A week ago, Dean was pulled out of Hell. Now, he’s apparently woken up in 2018, and the angel that a mere twenty-four hours beforehand had threatened to chuck him back into the pit is sleepily pouring himself coffee and wearing Dean’s second-favourite Zeppelin shirt. It all seems like a perfect happy ending, but with Hell’s scars still so fresh, Dean can’t imagine how he could have possibly gotten there. At the same time, the Dean who went to sleep in the bunker, right next to Cas, wakes up on Bobby’s couch in 2008. He’s instantly bombarded with questions by a Lilith-obsessed brother and a man who’s been dead for years, and must decide between keeping his finally-perfect life intact, and the lives he could save by re-writing history. Regardless of these choices, both Deans are trapped in the wrong decade, and their only way back lies with a Castiel still very much under Heaven’s thumb – one who might find the future Dean describes difficult to believe. Time travel is FUN. There’s an excellent part where (minor spoilers) future!Dean is like, “Guess what, asshole? You like me so much you marry me!!!!!!!!!!!” to 2008!Castiel that made me laugh out loud the first time I read it. Also just a good reminder of how most problems in life are temporary and if you could go back in time to talk to your younger self you’d be like, “Hey man. Chill out. You get through it.”

The Path of Fireflies by museaway, 63.7k, mature After his humanity is restored, Dean wakes up in bed with Castiel, a wedding ring, and no memory of the past twelve years. There’s a lot of amnesia fic and djinn fic out there were Dean wakes up ~suddenly together with Cas~ but I like this one in particular because he’s initially very confused and kind of a dick about it until he acknowledges that being with Cas makes him happy.

take the long way home by dothraki_shieldmaiden, 95k, explicit Three months ago, when Dean decided to retire, he thought his life was going to end up differently. He'd thought that he might get to have it all, Sam, Cas, Jack, and nice little place to live. Instead he gets Sam and Jack off on their Summer of Love Tour, radio silence from Cas, and a never-ending road trip consisting of himself. Still reeling from the loss of his grace, Castiel travels the country in search of hunts. Driven by a need to prove his usefulness, he pushes himself beyond all limits of endurance. Together, with the help of a few friends, a crumbling Victorian house, and a stray cat, Dean and Castiel patch themselves back together and create a home together. Do you wanna read almost one hundred thousand words of Dean and Cas having extremely intense feelings but refusing to voice them aloud? Haha of course you do that’s why you’re here. There’s also a lot about Cas adjusting to being human and being depressed about it which might resonate if you’ve ever felt weird about having a body. To be honest the author could stand to use a few more commas but there were also half a dozen moments that made me put my phone down and drag my hand slowly over my face and whisper “oh my god” to myself which is like, the ultimate measure of a good fanfiction so it gets to be on the list.

like moses and batman and james dean by saltyfeathers, 31.6k, explicit dean used to turn tricks. over a decade later, he met cas. Have you seen the fanon (apparently pioneered by Mr. Jackles “Original Deankin” Ackles himself) that Dean used to prostitute himself to feed himself and Sam when they were younger? Are you interested in exploring that concept in fanfiction? Well, this is the only fic you need. Mind the tags on this one! It’s not what I’d call happy but it’s good.

Some Assembly Required by narrow_staircases, 47k, mature It’s September of 2005, and Dean Winchester, in an attempt to outrun old mistakes and painful memories, finds himself in southern Kentucky on a wild goose chase. He’s completely certain this weird religious movement he’s “investigating” is a hoax, despite the miraculous healings people report, and he’ll be back on the road in a day or two. Things are looking up when he meets Cas, an awkward (and gorgeous) graduate student who’s actually doing honest-to-god research into the local tent revival meetings. When that research takes a weird and personal turn, Dean’s left to face two very serious realities: one, this may be a real case after all, and two, he’s fallen way harder for Cas than he should ever have let himself. Stanford-era AU of Dean trying to avoid his father and getting in over his head on a case.

Alternate universe:

And This, Your Living Kiss by opal_bullets, 57k, mature Only a very few people in the world know that the celebrated and reclusive poet Jack Allen is just Kansas mechanic Dean Winchester, a high school dropout with a few bucks to his name. Not that it matters anymore; life has left him so wrung out he never wants to pick up another pen. Until, that is, a string of coincidences leads Dean to auditing a poetry course with one Dr. Castiel Novak. The  professor is wildly intelligent, devastatingly handsome...and just so happens to be academia's foremost expert on the poetry of Jack Allen. Mundane AUs in this fandom have to be really, really good to catch my attention and this one is! It’s exactly what it says in the summary and the characterization is spot-on. 

Out to Drift by deathbanjo, 20.9k, mature Dean drives a black car with a loud engine. He lies too easily. He keeps a gun in the back of his jeans, and Castiel isn’t sure, but he wouldn’t be surprised if Dean has killed someone before. Two people in fucked-up unstable situations meeting and forming a connection. Honestly guys I really just love deathbanjo.

[cyndavilachase]

I’m Looking Forward Now 💖Thank you and good bye

So, it’s been a little over a week since Steven Universe Future ended… 

I’ve been hesitant to write this, honestly, but I’m tired of holding myself back from properly expressing myself in fear of appearing overly invested in the media I consume, even in private. Writing helps me organize my thoughts and feelings, and I feel like these thoughts in particular may resonate with many, so I want to share them. I want to talk about what Steven Universe has done for me personally, both as an artist, and as a person.

I’ve been around since the day the first episode of the original series aired. I actually remember when Steven Universe was just a logo on Wikipedia’s “List of Upcoming Cartoon Network Shows” list, back when I was a freshman in high school. It piqued my interest, but when commercials finally dropped for it, I thought it was going to be bad because of the way marketing handled introducing Steven as a likeable character. There was still something about it that made me want to give it a chance though, so I went online and watched the pilot before the first episode's release. I was hooked immediately. I knew I was going to love it, and I did. I fell so absolutely in love with Steven as a character, and the world that he and the gems lived in. I became obsessed. I was always so excited for new episodes to come out. Little did I know what else it would do for me as I went through my adolescence alongside it.

As the show progressed, it was evident that what I wanted out of a western animated childrens’ cartoon was finally coming into fruition: this show was becoming serialized. There was continuity, there was plot, there was character development-- it was getting deep. It was pushing the groundwork that Adventure Time laid out even further (thank you, Adventure Time).  

I will give credit where credit is due: earlier western childrens’ cartoons I grew up with like Hey Arnold, and Rugrats, among others, also touched on heavy topics, but Steven Universe was able to take similar ideas (and even more complex ones, concerning mental health and relationships) and expand on them outside of contained episodes and/or short arcs. These themes, which were a part of the show’s overarching story, spanned across its entirety. Continuity was rampant. 

What did this mean? It meant kids cartoons didn’t have to be silly and fun all the time and characters weren’t just actors playing a part in 11-minute skits. Steven and the gems would remember things that happened to them, and it affected them and how they would function and play a part in their story. This was a huge deal to me as a teenager. I always wanted the cartoons I grew up with featuring kid characters to feel more. In my own work, I often felt discouraged when combining a fun, cutesy western art style with themes as dark or layered as anime would cover. I always thought it had to be one or the other because an audience wouldn’t take a combination of the two seriously enough, based on discussions I had with classmates, friends, and online analysis I read at the time. Steven Universe proved to me otherwise. This show was opening the door for future cartoons exploring in-depth, adult concepts. I felt so seen as a kid, and was inspired to stick with what I love doing.

I was actually very worried about the show’s survival. It was in fact immensely underrated and the fandom was miniscule. Then in 2014, JailBreak dropped, and it’s popularity exploded. Part of it was because of the complex plot and the themes it was covering like I mentioned, but also because of its representation. 

I remember when fandom theorized that Garnet was a fusion due to grand, tragic reasons. Turns out, she’s simply a metaphor for a very loving w|w relationship. This was huge. I cannot stress how important it is that we continue to normalize healthy canon queer relationships in childens’ media, and Steven Universe finally was the first to do that proper. Introducing these themes offers the chance for a kid to sit there and ask themselves, “Why is this demonized by so many people?” I asked myself exactly that. Ruby and Sapphire were my cartoon LGBT rep. They were the first LGBT couple I ever ecstatically drew fanart of. I was dealing with a lot of internalized homophobia at the time, and they showed me that I was allowed to love women and feel normal about it. The process of overcoming this was a long one, but they played a part in my very first steps into becoming comfortable with my sexuality. I could go on and on about it’s representation in general-- how it breaks the mold when it comes to showcasing a diverse set of characters in design, in casting, and in breaking gender roles. It’s focus on love and empathy. Steven himself is a big boy, but he's the protagonist, and the show never once makes fun of his weight, or any other bigger characters for that matter. It wasn’t hard to see why the fandom had grown so large.

Fandom was always a joy for me. It was a hobby I picked up when I was in middle school, like many of us here did. I would always cater my experience to fun, and fun only. I only started getting more deeply involved in SU’s fandom when I had just turned into an adult. During the summer of 2016, between my first and second year of college, I drew for the show almost every day non-stop when the Summer of Steven event was going on and posted them online. This was a form of practice for me in order to become not just more comfortable with experimenting with my art, but also to meet new artists, make new friends, and learn to interact with strangers without fear. I dealt with a ton of anxiety when I was in high school. When I was a senior applying to art school for animation, I decided I was going to overcome that anxiety. I made plans to take baby steps to improve myself over the course of my 4 years of college. Joining the fandom, while unforeseen, was definitely a part of that process. I started feeling more confident in sharing my ideas, even if they were fan-made. I fell in love with storyboarding after that summer, when I took my first storyboarding class, and genuinely felt like I was actually getting somewhere with all of this. I remember finally coming to a point in my classes where I could pitch and not feel hopelessly insecure about it. I was opening up more to my friends and peers. 

But this process, unfortunately, came to a screeching halt. 

My life completely, utterly crumbled under me in the Fall of 2017 due to a series of blows in my personal life that happened in the span of just a couple weeks. My mental health and sense of identity were completely destroyed. All of that confidence I had worked for-- completely ruined. I was alone. I nearly died. My stay at college was extended to 4 and half years, instead of the 4 I had intended. I lost my love for animation-- making it, and watching it. I could no longer watch Steven Universe with the same love I had for it beforehand. It’s a terrible thing, trying to give your attention to something you don’t love anymore, and wanting so desperately to love again. I dropped so many things I loved in my life, including the fandom.

Healing was a long and complicated road. I continued to watch the show all the way up until Change Your Mind aired in the beginning of 2019, and while I still felt empty, that was definitely a turning point for me with it’s encapsulation of self-love. I was hoping James Baxter would get to work on Steven Universe since he guest-animated on Adventure Time, and it was incredible seeing that wish actually come true. The movie came out and while I enjoyed it and thought highly of it, I was still having issues letting myself genuinely love things again, old and new. It was especially difficult because cartoons were my solace as a kid, when things got rough at home. I remember feeling sad because the show ended, and not getting the chance to love it again like I used to while it was still going.

By the time Steven Universe Future was announced, I was finally coming around. I was genuinely starting to feel excitement for art and animation again. I wasn’t expecting there to be a whole new epilogue series, but happily ever after, there we were! Prickly Pear aired, and the implications it left in terms of where the story was going did it. I was finally ready to let myself take the dive back into fandom in January of this year. My art blew up, something I wasn’t expecting considering my 2-year hiatus. Following this, I was invited into a discord server containing some of the biggest writers, artists, editors, and analysts in the fandom. I had no idea there were so many talented people in the fandom, some already with degrees, some getting their degrees-- creating stuff for it on the side just for fun. The amount of passion and productivity level here is insane, and so is the amount of discussion that has come out of it.

I didn’t realize it at first, but it was actually helping me gain back the courage to share ideas. I lost my confidence in pitching while I was taking the time to heal, and graduating meant there would no longer be a classroom setting I could practice in. This group helped immensely. 

I have made so many friends through this wonderful series, and I have so many fond memories talking to like-minded creatives, getting feedback and a myriad of sources for inspiration, as well as all of the memes and jokes and weekly theorizations that came about as we all waited on the edges of our seats for episodes to air. I needed this so badly, I needed to get back in touch with my roots, when I would go absolutely hog-wild over a cartoon I loved with people who loved it as much I did. Future has been a blessing for me in this way. I graduated feeling like I was back at square-one, but now I feel like I’m on my way again.

It’s 2020 and while I’m doing great right now, I am honestly still recovering from the total exhaustion that followed after graduating a few months ago, and finally leaving the campus where my life fell apart behind. Needless to say, watching Future was like looking into a mirror. Watching one of my favorite characters of all time-- one that grew up with me-- go through so many of the same things I went through not too long ago was absolutely insane to watch unfold. It’s such an important thing too, to show a character go through the process of breaking down over trauma and all the nasty things that come with it, and to have them go on the road to healing. Steven got that therapy. He wasn’t blamed. The gems were called out. The finale was everything I could have ever hoped for. The catharsis I experienced watching it was out of this world.

As I continue my own healing journey, I will always look up to the storyboard artists, revisionists, and designers that I have been following over these past 7 years, as well as the new ones introduced in Future. It's been such a joy watching these artists release their promo art for episodes, talk about their experiences working on the show, and post the work they've done for it alongside episodes airing.

Thank you Rebecca Sugar, the Crewniverse, and the fans, for making this such a truly wonderful and unique experience. Thank you for reminding me that I am, and always will be, an artist, a cartoonist, and a fan. Thank you, my followers, for the overwhelmingly positive response to my artwork. I have had so much fun interacting and discussing the show with you all again over these past few months. Steven Universe and it’s fandom will always have a special place in my heart, and it will always be a classic that I will return to for comfort and inspiration for decades to come. I am sad that the cartoon renaissance is over, but so many doors have been opened thanks to this show. I am so, so excited to see what this show will inspire in the future, and I hope one day I get the opportunity to be a part of that. 

Goodbye Steven, thank you for everything. I wish you healing, and I wish Rebecca and the team a well-deserved rest. ♥️

-Cynthia D.

[insanityclause]

SPOILER ALERT: This article contains details of the first five episodes of Disney+’s Loki, & maybe the finale. Maybe.

EXCLUSIVE: “I have learned, at this point, having said goodbye to the character more than twice, two and a half times maybe, to make no assumptions,” says Loki’s Tom Hiddleston as the hours tick away to the finale of the Disney+ series drops early on Wednesday morning. “We’ll see where the ride goes now,” the Marvel alum adds.

As always with almost any project from the Kevin Feige run studio, that ride could continue, at least in some form or another. Certainly, the June 9 ‘Glorious Purpose’ premiere of the Michael Waldron penned and Kate Herron directed Loki proved to be the Disney+ and the MCU’s biggest small screen success so far. Also with any Marvel project, past Emmy winner Hiddleston was elusive on what could be coming next, be it in the Loki finale, another season or another appearance in the movies as the MCU shifts into its next phrase.

One thing is clear, after a decade playing the God of Mischief, Hiddleston still has a lot of Loki on the brain, in the best way.Leading towards the finale, I chatted with a UK-based Hiddleston about returning to play Loki and the search for who or what controls the seemingly all knowing, all powerful Time Variance Authority. The Night Manager star also spoke about filming during the coronavirus pandemic, working with Owen Wilson, Gugu Mbatha-Raw, Wunmi Mosaku, Richard E. Grant, and Sophia Di Martino, who portrays variant and soulmate Sylvie, and his upcoming AppleTV+ series The Essex Serpent with Claire Danes.

DEADLINE: There’s a great line in this season’s penultimate episode where your Loki and Sylvie are stunned at watch Richard E. Grant’s Classic Loki recreate Asgard to distract Alioth and you say “I think we’re stronger than we realize.” There seems to be a great resonance in the line that there’s a whole lot of Loki coming in the finale and probably more …

HIDDLESTON: I suppose it resonates with the theme that we all wanted to highlight about purpose and about meaning. Loki’s someone who’s probably been deluded by the idea that he’s burdened with glorious purpose, and that perhaps that purpose has been revealed to be fraudulent or meaningless, and maybe his self-image or the role that he has condemned himself to play is redundant.

His experiences through this story have shown him that there are actually more opportunities available to him, and you know, it speaks to this idea, like, can we change? Can we evolve, and in that evolution, is there room to grow? You know, so, I think the stronger than we realize I think is Loki finally understanding that, really, by caring for other people, that maybe there’s power in that, and I found that very touching, and the whole thing is an extraordinary dream.

DEADLINE: Speaking of an extraordinary dream, you have been playing Loki for a decade now, since the first Thor movie, We know you are going to do some voice work in the animated What If…? series, but how has it been having this series directly centering on him, in all his variants, so to speak?

HIDDLESTON: You know Dominic, I have enjoyed it so much, because I felt it was a gift and a privilege to be invited to come and sit at the table and think about what the show might be. Also, I suppose so many of the things that I’ve discovered about Loki as a character in the comics and a character in the Norse myths, in the canon, aspects that I’ve always thought were interesting, and understandably, there hasn’t been time or space in the movies to explore them.

DEADLINE: In terms of who he is?

HIDDLESTON: Those aspects of him have been externalized and embedded into this new story about identity itself and about integrating the disparate fragment of the many selves that he is or perhaps the many selves that we are. You know, we contain multitudes. Loki certainly contains multitudes. We have met many of those multitudes, including Alligator Loki (laughs).

DEADLINE: Sounds like you’re not done with those multitudes yet. From your POV, from conversations with Kevin (Feige) is there more that you see for the character as the MCU heads into its next stages?

HIDDLESTON: Well, I certainly don’t have Kevin’s brain or encyclopedic knowledge or capacity for invention. I’ve been on the ride for a while, and it’s been the most extraordinary journey, and to have lived through different iterations, different phases of the MCU, and I’m so grateful that I’m still here, and it’s been amazing to watch. I feel that the MCU is even more expansive, is even braver, more inclusive than it’s ever been.

DEADLINE: How so?

HIDDLESTON: I think the stories are getting really exciting. Not that they weren’t before, but I think they understand that the investment of the audience is very deep, and they don’t take it for granted for a second. So, yeah, I suppose the perspective I have on how Loki might affect the ongoing course of the MCU is this idea of the multiverse. People have already understood it when Miss Minutes is introducing Loki to the TVA. She talks about the multiverse and the war and that the sacred timeline, which is reality as we know it.

DEADLINE: It opens up the aperture certainly for new stories from all opportunities, doesn’t it?

HIDDLESTON: It raises questions of, well, maybe there are other parallel or alternate universes. Maybe there are other realities, and the possibilities there are endless. I feel that at the end of episode five, Loki and Sylvie are close to discovering the answers to the questions that they have of who is behind the TVA and that, somehow, this will provoke even more curiosity about…

DEADLINE: …Because in the Marvel Universe, answering one set of questions always leads to another set of questions, in many ways.

HIDDLESTON: Right. Yeah. Yeah, and I know that there are lots of, you know, interesting titles of movies that’ve been announced, which kind of hint at where it might be going.

DEADLINE: One of those that hasn’t been officially announced, but is rumored is a Season 2 for Loki, in gear under the temporary title of Architect on call sheets and the like …

HIDDLESTON: Well, yes, maybe, as I say, all the kind of multiple alternate realities are …it’s taken me 10 years to get a handle on this sort of mono timeline. The idea that this might be a multiverse is actually beyond my knowledge of physics.

DEADLINE: Well, I doubt that, but let me ask, and no spoilers for the finale or further, but if Kevin, Marvel, Disney asked you to do more Loki, are you game?

HIDDLESTON: (laughs) I have learned, at this point, having said goodbye to the character more than twice, two and a half times maybe, to make no assumptions. So, I’m also aware that I’m only playing him because of the audience, really. So, it’s not up to me. But I do love playing him, and every time, I seem to find new, interesting things about him. So, yeah, I’m a temporary passenger on Loki’s journey, but we’ll see. We’ll see where the ride goes now.

DEADLINE: On the ride, as the finale looms, there’s a ton of fan speculation out there and so much that people have hooked on to from the show. So, as the man at the center of it, what was your favorite part of Loki the series?

HIDDLESTON: That there was meaning in the making of it.That we crossed the finish line in the middle of a global pandemic and could create something, and more than ever, I felt really grateful for being able to do this job. I think in this there are some of those questions that we were all asking ourselves in the last 18 months in the show, you know, what do our lives mean?📷I love taking Loki in new directions. I love the contributions of my fellow actors, of Owen Wilson and Sophia Di Martino and Richard E. Grant and Gugu Mbatha-Raw, and Wunmi Masaku, they all brought so much to the table, and I’ll always remember that. You know, I’ll always remember just being in Atlanta with all of them and making our bonkers show. Yeah.

DEADLINE: Making your bonkers show in Atlanta as the world, as America was still in the heat of the pandemic. What was that like, because you were in production and then everything stopped and then you came back, right?

HIDDLESTON: I mean, people have used this word a lot, but it really was unprecedented. I think we did six weeks of filming before the hiatus, and then the production was suspended for four or five months, and we came back. At first, it was unfamiliar because we had to make adjustments, but the thing I remember most of all, quite honestly, is the diligence and resilience and spirit of our cast and crew.

DEADLINE: Really?

HIDDLESTON: Yes, and it remains extremely special for me, this project, for that reason.For me, it just demonstrated the character of these amazing people. It took a huge amount of planning and care and looking after each other. By that, I mean, being in the bubble. So, for many of us, the only other human beings we saw, really, were each other. So, we came to work, and we became a team, and the circumstances fostered this extraordinary team spirit, and so the memory of making it is really my incredible and deep respect and affection for my fellow filmmakers. People like Trish Stanard, our line producer. Richard Graves, our first AD. Kristina Peterson, our second AD. Autumn Durald, DP. Kevin Wright, our supervising producer, and so many others making sure everyone could stay safe and look after each other.It’s really…I find it…it’s very moving, and it’s remarkable, and I just want to salute them all because I couldn’t have done any of it without them.

DEADLINE: In that vein, you have just come off filming The Essex Serpent with Claire Danes for AppleTV+. Very different from Loki, and yet also a tale of what is real and who we are. Is that what attracted you to it on some level?

HIDDLESTON: I read it and immediately connected to it. Read the screenplay, the adaptation. It’s based on a novel by Sarah Perry, which was published in 2016 and is set at the end of the 19th century. It’s an extraordinary story about uncertainty and about our deepest fears and how sometimes our fears can distort our imaginings and how our minds can lie to us. About how we have to guard against that, and Perry sets it in this extraordinary time with a beautiful leading character of Cora Seaborne, played by Claire. Anna Symon adopted it.

There’s this community on the east coast of England who believe that an ancient beast has been awakened by an earthquake and that it’s dislodged all these fossils. But perhaps, it has also dislodged this ancient underwater monster, which has been used to explain certain unusual phenomena. This was in the era when Darwin had just been published a few decades before and people are starting to think, this Charles Darwin, he’s onto something. Still, fear spreads very quickly, and it’s a very fascinating time where science and faith are in conflict.

DEADLINE: When you describe it like that it sounds very Loki indeed.

HIDDLESTON: Maybe the themes are very Loki. Maybe that’s where they join up, but I’m playing a 19th century vicar who is trying to contain his community. You feel very destabilized by all these rumors. So, yeah, to go from Loki to a vicar was definitely new, a new territory.

DEADLINE: Literally and figuratively?

HIDDLESTON: Well, it’s my first significant time in Essex, where we filmed, which I feel embarrassed about. I’ve been to Essex before, but I’ve never been to the very, very eastern, most eastern coast of Essex. It’s the Blackwater Estuary, which then feeds into the River Thames, and it’s a very ancient part of England. It’s so marshy, it’s where in Great Expectations, that’s where Pip meets Magwitch for the first time. It’s all foggy and muddy and marshy and quite atmospheric and a perfect place to set a story about of uncertainty and fear and gothic romance. Clio Barnard directed it, and working with her has been amazing.

DEADLINE: You know, it occurs to me that of all the main Marvel characters, Loki has been such a constant, yet so ethereal in so many ways too. Is it jarring for you to jump back into the role with all the uncertainty it brings?

HIDDLESTON: You know, I’ve always seen it as sort of an extraordinary and surprising constant in my life for a decade. But, I don’t take it for granted because I don’t often…you know, it may end. It has actually ended, and those endings have been conclusive. I really thought a couple of years ago, after I made Avengers: Infinity War, you know, we all know what happens in that scene, and I thought, that’s it.I thought it’s over, and I was really proud to have been part of it. I was grateful for my time, but I thought that, my work would go off in a different direction. So, the idea that I got to come back and have another go was a complete delight, it truly was.

[yerbamansa]

I have too many feelings about Our Flag Means Death not to post them on Tumblr

So in the last week I’ve watched all ten episodes of the single season of Our Flag Means Death four times. It’s about five hours of screen time per binge, but still, that’s… a lot, right? I am fucking fixated on this shit. It’s a rabbit hole of joy and fandom brain rot (as the kids say).

On my fourth viewing, I took a pen–pink, a color I rarely use except for contrast–and wrote down quotes and notes. I filled 18½ pages. My hand hurts; gripping a pen and applying pressure to get a clean stroke hurts after a short while. Getting old, I guess. But I treated it like I was doing research for a grad school project, like I was trying to identify a thesis, a reason for my sudden and swift obsession. Like, I love TV–I rewatch favorites repeatedly and follow new shows pretty regularly. Things like Star Trek are often on my mind and I love to talk about them and look at memes. But only once before can I recall falling into a proverbial k-hole of focus on a show and every goddamn thing about and around it I can consume. That show, of course, was Schitt’s Creek, and I had four seasons of material to go on by then, but I got really into the then-smallish fandom and wrote fic and cosplayed and joined chats and watched every thing I could track down with Dan Levy. Oh, and I came out as nonbinary, at least to some people.

The rest I'll put under a cut because I rambled all day.

My ardor for that series has waned somewhat (David’s ultimate path didn’t resonate, which I know is nigh-sacrilege for the wedding-focused fandom, and for ~*personal reasons*~ I really wanted Stevie to explore a queer romance, alas) but so many people I know still associate me with being a fan. I mean, sure, I literally named my rabbit after David Rose and gave them an Instagram account, but I’ve moved on. (You can still DM me with your Schitt’s stuff, though. It makes me happy to know you’re thinking of me and enjoying something I hoped you’d enjoy.) At any rate, I wasn’t expecting another obsession to hit like that; maybe it was a fluke. Then I watched the gay pirate romcom.

Romantic comedies are not, strictly speaking, my jam. I don’t really enjoy romances. Most romcoms lack in the “comedy” department for my taste. And pirates? I mean, as a narrative setting, meh, it’s fine. (I WILL go back and finish watching Black Sails eventually, I promise, but generally…) The “gay” part, well, sure, I appreciate representational media. It can be a mixed bag. But if you’ve read this far, you either already know or can guess that none of these objections fit OFMD. In terms of comedy, it’s a goddamn powerhouse of international comedy legends. Romance? It’s sweet and lovely without being cloying or obsessed with marriage et cetera (that’s just…a thing I get really bored with…). And it’s not too sweet to totally skimp on the horrific reality of piracy, at least as much as one can to fit the romcom tone. Also basically every on-screen relationship bar one is queer in some way, and there’s a nonbinary pirate played by a nonbinary actor, just for bonus points.

But why the everloving fuck did I get obsessed with it??? The conclusion I’ve come to is that the show somehow let me experience gender euphoria by proxy. Not just because of Jim Jimenez–that’s a nice affinity, and I’ve enjoyed Vico Ortiz in other stuff, so it’s a freakin’ delight to see them in something with such an active, engaged fanbase; their social media is on fire–but for reasons that, as close as I can figure, are the same as something that made me super obsessed with Schitt’s Creek before: the portrayal of masculinity.

As an AFAB nonbinary person who didn’t figure out such labels could apply until their late 30s, I’ve got my own view of masculinity and femininity. (As anyone who’s ever explored gender should.) For me, it’s not so much that I want to be more masculine (shit’s scary, societally speaking) but read as less feminine. That’s just my body. Bodies without hips and large breasts and the things they can convey with their fashion are just…not what I can do. At least not with my budget. “Feminine” touches with menswear cuts, and so on. When I see folks with a style I covet, it transfixes me a bit. I’d love to be able to wear a dress and paint my nails in a boyish way. Rock an impeccable suit with color and pattern and a little jewelry. That’d just be neat. So somewhere between fashion icon David Rose’s enviable wardrobe of black and white couture knits and these funny gay pirates I’ve got feelings I wanna live in for as long as I can since I can’t try on the real thing. (Or, well. A longer thought there is the point of an entirely different ramble.)

I’m just gonna write up thoughts on our key players. What a segue. Anyway, spoilers abound.

Stede Bonnet: The Gentleman Pirate

For all his childhood trauma, a joyless arranged marriage, and clear naivete, Stede is a man who strikes me as surprisingly secure in himself. He may not be able to articulate exactly what he wants, but he knows the world he comes from wasn’t made for him, and he actively takes the pieces that work for him and rejects the rest. He loves the finer things–his library, suite decor, and secret auxiliary closet serve as ample evidence of that–and doesn’t become a pirate to collect everyone else’s finery. He’s in it for adventure, which is a fucking wild, privileged reason to do anything. What he takes from his old life is a comfort and, he hopes, a launching pad. People in his aristocratic world didn’t take him seriously, but he did. And he wants to share it, but there’s a mismatch between what he’s got to offer and the things the people he meets in the pirate life need. This does not deter him.

What happens to Stede over the course of the season reflects his growth–in confidence, in love, and in himself–but not a fundamental change in who Stede is. He can relinquish some of the finery when he’s finally figured out what he wants, but we know it’s still part of him. (My god, when he gets back to the Revenge and confronts what’s been thrown overboard (and what’s maybe been kept), it’s gonna be a moment.) He can add and remove identity accessories without losing that sense of self.

I find this guy confusingly relatable. I’m not a drama queen with an outfit for every occasion, but I am more likely to retreat than engage when off-putting chaos swirls around me. I would also very likely find myself “uncomfortable in a married state.” I like being in charge, even though I’m not always good at it. I’m easily haunted by my own failures. And I, too, am more than a little mesmerized at the sight of Taika Waititi in a salt-and-pepper wig and beard and aging rockstar leather getup. (Whomst among us…)

Edward Teach: Blackbeard the Pirate

Born on a beach, became the Kraken. Watching this disaster wrestle with his fragmented personas was a roller coaster. Young Edward was drawn to the finer things that, as his mother tells him, aren’t for people like him–God says. So when he meets the Gentleman Pirate, “God’s perfect little rich boy” as an enemy later describes Stede, someone who chose this life, who chose to share his finery, he’s into it. Despite himself. 

When Stede asks him if he “works for Blackbeard,” he has to consider it. It’s not that everything about him is a facade, but “Blackbeard” is ultimately a constructed brand for pirating. Ed Teach has a tendency to become the person he needs to be for the moment, for the people that surround him. He’s Blackbeard for Izzy; Blackie for Calico Jack (a nickname as gross as their relationship tbh), a jovial (if occasionally menacing) Co-captain to the crew, and Ed to Stede. Izzy might call him by his name and his title interchangeably, but over time, even he can see they are not the same. Stede gets to know Edward, someone maybe no one else has ever known, and he finds that he really likes being Edward, or at least being Edward with Stede. That Edward isn’t putting on a mask. Maybe he’s not even sure why, but he seems to trust Stede implicitly, and that trust only builds and builds until it collapses.

Everyone knows who Blackbeard is, except Blackbeard. The Blackbeard he presents to the crew of the Revenge is seemingly not the same one his own crew is used to. It’s not the same Ed Stede knows, but it isn’t exactly a terrifying pirate persona, either. Co-captain Blackbeard is affable, sometimes almost whimsical; a storyteller, prankster. Any grumpiness is easily explained away as the too-cool veneer of a man who’s all too aware of his profile (Lucian even calls him on it when they’re on Stede’s ill-fated treasure hunt). When his mental state crumbles after he returns to the ship sans Stede, the veneer is dropped entirely. He tells the crew to call him Edward, celebrates their talent and artistry, and babbles about giving up piracy altogether. Both Izzy and Lucian can tell he’s not OK, but the ways they try to help are diametrically opposed. To everyone else, he’s just having fun. The chaos, I think, is Ed not even knowing (or caring) anymore who he is and who he has to be for others.

 When he becomes the Kraken, it’s for himself–to protect himself from the pain of being known. Known by Stede, who left him at that dock, and by the crew with whom he’s grown far too informal. Of anyone knowing that he’s always been the Kraken, in his own mind and mythology. In this persona, Izzy sees his Blackbeard, but he probably doesn’t see the man behind the mask sobbing at the sight of a lighthouse painting. Ed knows better than to let anyone see that, now. The Kraken might be a self-loathing monster, but no one gets to hurt him anymore. The Kraken is appropriately terrifying, but he also makes me so fuckin’ sad, and not just because Stede is free and coming back to him.

I don’t know that Stede ever recognized these shifting personas within Ed. I think Ed was only becoming aware of them himself, through his ennui and through getting to know Stede. Stede’s sense of self is stable enough that he might not be able to conceive of the vulnerability Ed’s shown him. He hasn’t got a frame of reference for it. To him, Ed is Blackbeard and Blackbeard is Ed. When he gets hints of it–like when he sees Ed’s shaved face for the first time, and Ed tells him Blackbeard is old news–he’s worried, maybe, that Ed’s losing himself and it’s all Stede’s fault. He can’t have another regret weighing on him like that.

Jim Jimenez fka Bonifacia

The only people confused about Jim’s identity are the other crew of the Revenge who argue about whether or not “Jim” is a girl’s name and if women attract demons. They get over it. Jim is the Inigo Montoya of OFMD, except they also get a boyfriend. I love this journey for them.

Death as a Metaphor and a Promise

The crew of the Revenge creates flags to advertise the promise of future suffering and death for any who might cross their path. Everyone fears death at the hands of Blackbeard (even if, as he admits to Stede, he hasn’t personally killed anyone since he murdered his own father in the Kraken origin story). But these are literal deaths. The story mainly concerns metaphorical deaths; transitions from one identity to another, from one persona to another.

Stede’s marriage begins with the specter of death (the gravestones as a wedding gift), one he eschews only to die another way, by being responsible for the death of another man. (One of his childhood bullies, in fact. A fact that is never lost on him, even if he fixates on the man’s death and his part in it rather than the torture he lived through to get there.) But he didn’t escape the original specter until he returned home to resolve it–with his own faked death, in concert with his wife, her lover, and their children. Now he’s finally free.

Ed initially sees Stede as a way for Blackbeard to die–an opportunity to steal the Gentleman Pirate’s identity and fuck off with his purloined finery, just for kicks. He’s bored of this persona he built for himself but feels stuck in it, so why not “die”? Later, he very nearly accomplishes killing Blackbeard for good when he submits himself alongside Stede for an Act of Grace pardon. When he tells Stede he’s happy just to be with him and suggests they create new identities and run away together, he suggests he hopes that death is permanent, but Stede, unfortunately, has his own death to attend to first. The Kraken, then, and its flag with the demon harpooning a heart, promises a death to others that he couldn’t give himself.

The focus on metaphorical deaths is a bit funny, considering I expect any future seasons will not strictly adhere to the literal death timelines of these characters.

OK But What About Your Feelings?

There is absolutely no way anyone reading this diatribe had this thought.

But since I’m asking… fuck. So like, I’m on the low end of middle age. That feeling of wanting something more, of is that all there is, is real. Especially with regard to how I’m performing gender and such. To being comfortable with being out more. To doing…something about that, whatever the fuck that means. To some kind of new adventure. It’s not as exciting as life on the high seas during the Golden Age of Piracy, and I’m not half as funny as these people, but I am trying to understand what exactly it was about something that, yes, is already the kind of show I’d just enjoy the hell out of, but it wormed its way into my tired little brain and fucked me up for a solid week, maybe more.