#Also since gender is a construct it means humans can do whatever they want forever

[bat-connoisseur]

Reminder: animals only have sex, not gender

[trans-axian-archive]

How did you realize you were trans? I'm currently questioning if I'm nonbinary myself but I also, like, don't believe in gender as a whole and think it's mostly made up by us. I'm just mostly confused. (If it's too personal then feel free to ignore. Have a nice evening/day!)

mmm well. it's kind of weird and funny but one day I was sort of just like "huh what if I'm not a girl" while fuckin. crossing the street and then the thought just sort of... stuck in my brain and I sat with it for awhile until I realized that yeah, I'm NOT a girl. I've gone through many, many identities before settling on/realizing that I'm a trans guy, n I've been doing the whole "publically figuring out my relationship to gender" thing since like. 7th grade but I definitely was not one of those people who "always knew" or "never considered themselves their birth gender"

second of all... you're right! gender Is a construct, but it's a construct that's deeply ingrained in our society, esp in western and western colonized society. even though gender is a construct, it's irresponsible and ignorant to ignore the fact that "gender" plays a huge role in the way our world works (I'm not saying that is what you're doing, btw). gender is a construct but sexism still exists, just like money is a construct but poverty and capitalism still exist, and race is a construct but racism still exists. gender isn't technically """real""" but it Is something thats forced on us from birth, so obviously the way you interact with and fit into the idea of gender will still be an important aspect of your life regardless of whether its """real""" or not, even if that just means you're rejecting the western concept of a gender binary or gender as a whole. and gender doesn't Have to be a Bad construct either. I think a lot of times gender being a construct is framed as this fundamentally and automatically terrible thing, and it's true that as it exists as a construct today in its colonized and western sense, it cultivates and creates opportunities for discrimination and gender based violence ect, but that does not Have to be true forever and ever. we can destroy and denounce those things without eliminating gender as a whole, because heres the thing - nearly everything we as human beings do is a construct. family and culture and language are all "constructs", but they're Good constructs. we are constantly constructing ways to connect and celebrate each other out of nothing, it's part of what makes us human. the Bad constructs are the ones built of hatred and othering and a desire for power. sexism and transphobia and the western concept of a gender binary are the malicious and harmful constructs, not gender in and of itself. gender has existed positively in so many different ways in so many different cultures for a long, long time. gender is not some evil enemy that needs to be defeated. if you reject or feel disconnected from or exist completely outside of gender or the western gender binary (or how gender exists in a different culture you're part of), that's okay. that's wonderful and beautiful and valid and important and real, but gender being a construct should not discourage you from connecting to/identifying as/etc the nonbinary identity because construct or not, gender is an important and impactful aspect of our society and ourselves and the fact that it's a construct does not mean you have to completely ignore or repress any sort of relationship you might have with it

additionally, while saying "gender is a construct" or "gender is just made up" is.. technically true and can be empowering for some, you have to realize that it's not empowering for everybody. yeah, gender is a construct, but as a trans person who has spent a lot of money and time and pain and energy and tears and joy building and celebrating and coming to terms with my gender and the way I interact with gender in a broad sense, completely dismissing gender as something that No One should find important or connect to in positive way invalidates me and the pain and cruelty I face for being trans and makes me feel like I've wasted all of this energy on nothing (which I'm not saying that's what you're doing either!!) gender IS a construct and you can feel connected to and passionate about that fact, shout it from the fuckin rooftops, but at the same time recognize and support those who personally hold space for the construct of gender within themselves and their identity

I want you to know that I'm not like... yelling at you or accusing you of anything or trying to make you feel bad or arguing with you or Whatever but I just felt like this was an important thing to talk about and acknowledge and it possibly could be helpful in figuring yourself out if you think of gender in this way?? I'm 100% not trying to discourage you from connecting with/being nonbinary either n that's definitely not the point of this!!! figuring out who you are and how you feel is hard and confusing and weird and it just takes time and effort. you have to ask yourself what makes You happy, and how You feel outside or anybody else's thoughts or views. I hope you are able to work out your relationship to gender whatever that may be and what feels right and comfortable to you

I hope you have a nice day/evening as well!!

[radfemmethinker-blog]

I know it might seem the opposite, but I understand.

I deeply 100% understand it, if you're in love with gay culture. I understand if you feel awe and longing when you see M/M couples. I get it if you think gay men are better than straight ones for whatever fucking reason. I know that you might think gay M/M couples are cute. I get it, if you'd like to be a gay man.

I know it. I can get what it feels like if your heart fills with joy to the mere thought of two men being in a relationship. No matter how fucking weird it may look from the outer perspective if you're a biological woman and you feel like this, I get it. I understand if you wished you were born a man because you just deeply feel that gay men are so adorable, no matter how weird it looks, I GET IT.

But for the love of God, gay men are PEOPLE. Just like any other one. You can't become one. I understand you might have a randomic feeling that they are so much better, that their relationships and their culture and their whatever-the-everloving-fuck are just so much better. You know why I get it? Because, even if it doesn't have an actual explanation, it is a feeling. An impression. A randomic brain pattern. And I do believe it may exist. I do believe you might feel this way. It does exist. It's valid if you feel this way. But it does not make you a gay man. And if you disagree, you know what you're not taking into account?

Respect.

If you really love gay men and gay male couples so much, why the fuck would you disrespect them? Why the fuck would a biological female feel entitled to literally appropriate gay male culture? How is this okay, if you put it into perspective?

I'll give you a little insight.

It is not.

You might like gay men as much as you want, wishing you were born one as much as you want, but if you face reality, you'll understand that you were not. Therefore, fetishizing them and appropriating their fucking culture as an outsider is a big lack of respect to them. Expecting same-sex attracted men to be attracted to you is the biggest fucking homophobic act you can do under the false guise of """loving""" them or their culture.

You are not a man. There is no surgery or bippidy boppidy magic out there that will make you one. This is literally a scientific fact, and if you feel offended or attacked by biologic reality, please for the love of God seek help, because it is not normal.

A gay man is exclusively same-sex attracted, if you're born a woman, there is literally no way he's gonna be attracted to you. Genitals dictate sex. Sex is a fact. Sexuality isn't about gender identity: it is about sex. Genitals. The definition of SEXual orientation should not be this hard to grasp. A person is not sexually attracted to social constructs. To the way you dress. They're sexually attracted to your sex. It is not the only standard you have to meet in order for people to be attracted to you (to be a part of a biological sex that is included in their sexual orientation), but it IS an important standard. And there is literally no surgery out there that can give you genitals that even vaguely resemble the ones a biological man would have, let alone mimick their functions.

I understand if you randomically like very much gay culture and M/M relationships. I understand if you fantasize about them, I understand if your artworks revolve around them. It's not a bad thing. But if you actively try to erase homosexuality just so you can feel included in an identity that does not, and will never, include you- if you use other people's bodies or your access to them as a form of self validation- you're literally advocating for homosexuality erasure and rape rethoric against the very people you swear you love so much. And that is not okay. Ever.

Love includes respect. You can't love someone and actively disrespect them. You can't say you love someone and then try to force them to have sex with you against their will. If you try to imagine this in a one-on-one situation, you'll see pretty clearly how that would be an attempt to rape someone. The reasoning is not different. If you love so much this category, respect it. Respect boundaries. Respect the literal definition of the category. People don't magically become gay if they say they are; the definition of gay is being exclusively same-sex attracted. If anyone who isn't exclusively same-sex attracted claims to be gay, they're lying. Being gay is not an identity you can give yourself. It is not a choice. It's a biological fact. You don't "identify" as gay. You are, or are not. No inbetween. Bisexual people are bisexual, not "half-gay". That does not exist.

Please stop claiming you love a category if you literally appropriate and fetishize it. Please. Fucking stop. You're free to have a randomic liking of any category, but that does not make you a part of that category, and never will. If you love gay men as much as you claim you do, I'm begging you, stop trying to strip them of their identities, bully them into not being the literal definition of their category anymore, and erase them from the face of this Earth. That is not love.

That's hate. That's homophobia. Stop being the very thing you swore on your life you would destroy.

There's no secluded category of gay men which are also "TEHMs". All gay men are TEHMs. Gay means same sex attracted ONLY. If anyone claims to be a gay man it doesn't make them one, I can claim to be a crocodile all I want but I'm still a human being. Also, categories are literally made to keep together people with something in common, so don't even fucking try to say I'm "stereotyping" a category. Any category MUST have a caracteristic that keeps its members "similar" in some way, and if you really think that YOU claiming to be a gay man because you like glitters is non-stereotypical, but me saying gay men are literally any type of men with any type of interest as long as they are same-sex attracted only is stereotypical, you either have a chimp brain or you perfectly know you're wrong. Having a good "comeback" does not mean you're right. Factual evidence means you're right, and TRAs literally have NONE.

(I would also expand this to people who claim they like lesbians so much that they "are" one - when they're biological males- but I have the feeling most of them perfectly know these things already and literally don't give two shits, since biological men have ALWAYS hated biological women and have ALWAYS used rape rethoric on them.)

I'm literally just ranting and if you even try to disrespect me interacting with this, I'll block the everloving fuck out of you, because really, if you read all of this and you still think you're right, you're a literal homophobe and there's no hope anyone will ever get anything good out of you.

RESPECT FREAKING GAY PEOPLE. BEING GAY IS NOT A CLUB YOU CAN ENTER FOR THE LOLZZ. IT'S A FUCKING REALITY. PEOPLE ARE BEING KICKED OUT OF THEIR HOMES FOR BEING GAY, AND YOU THINK YOU CAN JUST "CHOOSE" TO BE ONE, WHEN YOU'RE OBVIOUSLY NOT. WTF.

I'm not hateful, only angry. If you see yourself as loving and respecting when you stereotype and disrespect the everloving fuck out of this category, yet see me as hateful because I literally state facts, then there's literally no hope for you to ever understand how the hell this world actually works, so you better hide on Tumblr forever, because I can assure you actual gay people in real life feel the same way I do. Fuck, even STRAIGHT people in real life feel the way I do. All this gender-madness is literally the biproduct of people creating non-existent online safe spaces where they validate each other's delusions, and sorry, but the lgbt-whateverfuckingletter community on this hellsite is not a good representance of the reality of life and ideas outside, in the real world. Move on.

And if you think this is hate-speech... get a grip. No one is threatening you or anyone else with violence. People just fucking wished you'd leave them ALONE in THEIR SPACES.

Wishing you were gay doesn't make you gay.

[thievcries]

「 avan jogia. cismale. he/him. 」 — is that LYSANDER LUTERA LEV i just saw in thornhollow? word around is that they’re a TWO HUNDRED AND SIXTEEN year old FAE, but i doubt that’s true. they’re pretty WITTY from what i know, but i’ve heard a rumor that they can be SPITEFUL too; must be why they’re a BARTENDER/FREQUENTLY UNEMPLOYED. they kinda remind me of THE SMELL OF RIPE SUN-WARMED FRUIT, BROKEN WATCHES, AND AGGRESSIVE GRINS. ( z. he/him or they them. 21. cst. )

- - - - - - - BASICS.

Name: Lysander Lutera Lev (though the full configuration of his name is one of his most jealously guarded secrets since he is loath to give others; especially mortals any power over him) Pronouns: He, him. Nicknames: Lys, Sander/Xander interchangeably though the latter somehow usually gets used by acquaintances only. Age: Two hundred and sixteen years of age, though he generally appears to be in his late twenties. Birthdate: November 15th Zodiac: Scorpio sun, cancer moon, leo rising Species: Unseelie fae Gender: Cismale. Sexual Orientation: Bisexual.

- - - - - - - BACKGROUND.

Parents: Pritha and Havelock, his mother and father, respectively. His father was an official member of the Unseelie Court, his mother was of a wilder but less dark natured band of the nomadic clanless forest fae. It made sense for their family to settle mostly in Thornhollow even before the portal was cut off. Siblings: An older brother, who is the eldest, and an older sister, who is the middle child. Spouse: n/a. Children: It’s a very good possibility that he has them as he is both vastly irresponsible and lecherous, but if he does he’s very unaware of them. Current Job: bartender, though he’s had a myriad of jobs around thornhollow he’s failed to keep. Schooling: Tutored alongside other minor unseelie nobility as a fae youth. Not that he paid close attention. Income: Forever borrowing human money from his siblings, does not much see the point in a steady income until he needs something.

- - - - - - - PHYSICAL.

Height: 5'10". Weight: 150 lb. Eye Color: Dark brown. Hair Color: Dark brown streaked with inky black that almost glitters iridescent when not made to look more ‘mortal’ with glamours, though he’s no stranger to altering it entirely. Hair Length: Medium/chin-length to past his shoulders, just depending on his mood. Hair Type: Wavy to almost curly, thick.  Body Type: Slender but also soft, very much a body that has never seen a hard day’s labor in his life. Clothing Size: Medium to large, he prefers a looser fit. Shoe Size: Size 10. Complexion: Dark and warm with reddish-golden undertones, and smooth, nearly poreless skin. Absolutely does not look a day over twenty-five as far as how ‘lived in’ his body appears. Without altering himself to appear more human like, his cheekbones and jawline are far, far sharper, pupils larger and brows highly arched, almost exaggeratedly so. Scars: Just a small nick from an iron dagger just below his adam’s apple, only visible up close or under finger tips. Every tattoo he appears to possess are in truth, simply glamours.

- - - - - - - PERSONALITY.

Positive Traits: adventurous, charming, direct, passionate, sociable, competitive, creative, lively. Negative Traits: volatile, extravagant, defensive, envious, juvenile, wasteful, unreliable, vulgar. Emotional Condition: A layer of uncaring aloofness mixed with a hedonistic desire to do whatever he wishes whenever he wishes swirls around on the top of the still waters of his mind. Fae don’t love like mortals do, and Lysander learned that the hard way. It makes it easier for him to hold those he recognizes he could become romantically close to at an emotional arms length. Likes: Glitter and sparkly things, gold, a good time where ever it is to be found, extravagant costume jewelry, good tasting food and drink, dancing into the night and into the next morning and into the next night again, playing ‘matchmaker’ with others to sometimes unintentionally cruel results, sumptuous textures like silk, velvet and faux fur, experimental glamours, especially greasy human food.  Dislikes: any ‘bad’ smell like garbage or dirty diaper or the like makes him instantly nauseated rather than simply grossed out, wanting something in the mortal world and not having the money to purchase it, ‘boring’ music, being bossed around (which in his mind is in reality a mild suggestion or constructive criticism), having to focus on anything for any length of time, being spoken to like a child even though he is a relatively young fae. Strengths: intelligent, affectionate, ambitious, passionate, generous, philosophical. Weaknesses: reckless, impatient, voracious, detached, foolhardy, irresponsible. Fears/phobias: mortality, death, falling in love again, bird eyes, being forced to tell the bald truth. Hobbies: carousing and partying, dancing and finding a good time anywhere he possibly can regardless of propriety. 

History: Lysander lived a fairly typical fae child experience; father a part of the unseelie court though by no means highly ranked, his mother travelling through the court with her nomadic band of clanless fae that pledged loyalty to no court. once they had all three of their children, pritha and havelock settled down in the unseelie court and surfaced to earth semi-regularly through thornhollow; nearly like a vacation or home away from home. Lysander lead an amusing and privileged faerie life...until the portal closed. Life since then has become, in his estimation, unyieldingly and painfully boring. Work for human money to pay for food, clothing and a dwelling? A completely new concept for Lysander that he didn’t care for in the slightest. Perhaps it’s his age and how time works so differently for fae, but even twenty years after the fact he’s still having a hard time adjusting. He’s been hired and fired from just about any entry level task in town, sometimes with him simply taking off his apron and casually leaving out the front door, sometimes with an explosion of anger and dramatics. Usually spotted in one of the social hotspots that offer alcohol in town, he’s quite good at whining and complaining. He’s gotten quite good at flip cup, however, and he’s definitely someone you want on your team. 

[namheeyoung-blog]

FULL NAME: nam heeyoung  AGE: twenty - six / one hundred - six. PRONOUNS / GENDER: she / her / cisfemale. SPECIES: vampire. HOUSING: a quaint one - bedroom apartment in halkirk, rent paid in cash on the 1st of every month.

FAMILY:

having been born an only child and turned soon after her 26th birthday, heeyoung outlived her parents and most close relatives. while her biological family is unfortunately no longer given the nature of her supernatural status, she surrounds herself with acquaintances to form what she dubs a ‘ found family. ‘

BACKSTORY

heeyoung born to two well - meaning, though slightly over - protective parents in a small town just outside of new york city in 1912. having come to the country shortly before 1910 -- notable for the immigration halt -- her parents ran a restaurant to make ends meet, often teetering a baby - talking heeyoung in one harm while carrying a plate with the other. though her parents were often busy, a side effect of running a business, she grew up loved, always sure of her importance in her parents’ lives. for all intents and purposes, she was their princess, and their modest home was a modern, albeit modest, castle.

though it likely wasn’t her parents’ intention, heeyoung grew sheltered in the confines of the family business. when she was old enough to work, she began her shifts at the restaurant and was left with little time to enjoy simply being a kid. her youth came and went, but that child - like innocence, a product of her upbringing, remained. it would break her parents’ hearts if she were to ever leave, their only daughter and hope for continuing on the family legacy running out, but she longed for the freedom outside of four-walls and a town that felt stifling. what was a princess with a castle, without a prince?

he was a customer, blonde and blue - eyed and everything that her father, in all of his wisdom, was careful to remind her to stay away from. he was dangerous, aloof with a grin and a sly glance. it began as a tryst, his visits becoming routine and the notes passed back and forth, dropped on the table with whatever scraps they could find. she never questioned skin that was cool to the touch, the way he only ever seemed to pick at his food. she never questioned the ring, glinting in the sunlight like a secret. for the first time, she felt hopeful that there was something else out there, something beyond the known. he promised her forever and she never asked twice. 

her poor parents bawled and begged when she told them about the boy who promised her forever, promised to whisk her away and make for a better life. he’d come into some inheritance, and they’d have to lay low, but it was something more... something better than a stationary life going nowhere fast. her father kissed her forehead, both her cheeks while her mother’s hands clasped one of her own, and reminded her that promises could be broken -- that things weren’t always what they seemed. that their princess, their precious princess, deserved only the world and she ought to be sure she was going to get it. 

she signed on the dotted line without a second thought, chin upturned and neck exposed. he bled her dry soon after her 26th birthday, stilling the clock and stilling her heart. when she awoke, thirsty for something she couldn’t bring herself to name, the realization of what she’d done begun to sink in. and when he told her this was the end of the line, that she’d served her purpose to him only days later... he stilled her heart and broke it all the same.

the years after blurred. she supposes she’s one of the lucky ones, one of the lucky ones who’d managed to find their way without their maker’s guiding hand. he’d disappeared without a trace, though she’d never stopped being haunted by that head of blonde hair and that sick, sick smile. it wasn’t long before the need for revenge began to bloom and flower in her chest, the idea of what she would do if ever presented the opportunity taking root in her mind. she savored the thought, the possibilities. he’d destroyed her deepest desires, made a joke of her wildest fantasies. he’d taken and taken and taken until there was nothing left to give, until she’d left her mortality lying at his feet. gone was the sweet little girl who’d wanted nothing more than to be wanted, nothing more than something more than the hand she was dealt. how could she be blamed for the desperation to make him pay when he’s the one that created this monster?

PERSONALITY:

heeyoung is incredibly blunt, veering on abrasive ruthlessness, and rarely with good intentions. she lacks the ability to believably sugar - coat her words, preferring a direct and often painful approach. while she attributes this to her hatred of ‘beating around the bush,’ her intentions are frankly more sinister: she enjoys coaxing the brief crest-fallen looks that come with every well - timed low blow, enjoys the downcast eyes and somber air. she refuses to handle others with kid gloves, and after all, the world never sugar-coated itself for her.

she’s manipulative in nature, often employing others to do her bidding for her. she thrives on chaos of her own creation to cure her boredom -- she doesn’t seem to understand that just because you can, doesn’t always mean that you should. she enjoys exerting her will on situations and she relishes the control. neutral evil at best, chaotic evil at worst.

her ability to conceal her emotions often leads to others not quite being sure what to expect. what’s going on in that pretty little head of hers? what is she thinking? what is she feeling? the air of mystery is so carefully constructed, the girl she once was -- the girl who longed for happiness and freedom, the girl who longed for something so much more -- concealed by a grim facade. in truth, her personality is a myth, a survival tactic. it’s unclear if that little girl so desperately naive still lingers somewhere down deep, and even more unclear if that girl will ever make an appearance again. 

NICKNAMES?

if you’d like to keep your head, no nicknames allowed. however, if you’re feeling particularly daring and want to press her buttons, spin the wheel and see if she responds. 

DISTINGUISHING FEATURES?

devoid of tattoos and piercings other than the standard ears, there’s nothing particularly distinguishing about her, save for a small mole at the outer edge of her left eyebrow.

ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIPS?

heeyoung is careful to always hold herself at arms’ length. while she’s had the occasional tryst throughout her life, her motivations have stemmed from a place of boredom rather than genuine desire for a relationship. though it’s been over a hundred years since the betrayal that changed her life, her supernatural identity serves as a constant reminder of what she went through. a romantic relationship would nearly require an act of god, a bond that awakens the part of her she’s longed to keep at rest -- relationships with mortal beings are fleeting, temporary. and the last person to promise her forever... well, you can see why she’s not keen on it.

LIKES / DISLIKES?

heeyoung is quite the fan of mystery. not only a good novel, but also in the way she presents and carries herself. she prides herself on being always out of reach, on having at least one card tight to her chest. she derives pleasure from being a woman unknown -- the girl known by everyone and yet, known by no one. in addition, she loves a good horror movie and a quiet night in. she wouldn’t say no to a little chaos, either. she has a taste for luxury items, though never overly extravagant or flashy -- she prefers understated to overstated. and of course, a little fresh blood seems like a no - brainer. 

her dislikes are a never - ending list of pet peeves. account for the usual “talking with the mouth full” and add the curve - ball “messy feeders.” she hardly tolerates fakeness, with a hint of irony given that much of her appearance to the world is a facade. boredom is impossible to deal with. 

FRIENDS?

bold of anyone to assume she has friends.

BIGGEST FEAR?

her biggest fear is simply... what happens when it’s over? so much of her life has been dedicated to extracting revenge on what had been done to her, on finding her once lover and forcing him to pay for his crimes. so what happens when it’s over? where does she go, what will she do? without that drive, what else is left? she fears the inevitable sense of emptiness where the fulfillment should be. because while this thing feels so big, so overwhelming, so huge in her life... it’s so small in the greater aspect of her eternity. and so she grapples with what will happen when it’s over, how she’ll feel and what she’ll do. 

it’s something she’s never told anyone. it’s something she barely wants to admit to herself. 

SECRETS?

her biggest secret parallels her biggest fear. it’s so heavily intertwined that one cannot be separated from the other. she refuses to allow anyone to know just how closely her vulnerability lies to the surface.

IN LOVE?

heeyoung’s been in love once. nothing more, nothing less. no one had caught her eye before him, and she’d never allow herself to fall for someone after. the first and only time cost her her mortality -- she’s not interested in seeing what the price would be next time.

while she’d say that her heart isn’t broken, she’s never allowed herself to fully grieve what was lost -- her heart broke the day she woke up alone, immortal and damned, and it’s never recovered. her desire for revenge sat in the space where the hurt should have been. it was easier to be angry, easier to hate than it was to mourn. to an extent, though she’s so far removed, her heart still is a little broken.

FLAWS?

her desire to keep everything hidden and remain a mystery. it’s impossible to let anyone in, because she’s terrified of getting hurt. more so than that, she’s terrified of losing someone after allowing them into her life. she’s not interested in temporary and fleeting things -- allowing someone in for the lifespan of a human when her forever stretches far beyond feels pointless. additionally, her ruthless and manipulative nature, as well as her selfishness.

MEMORIES?

acutely, she remembers every aspect of telling her parents all about this boy who was going to whisk her away, make for a better life. she remembers lamenting on how he promised her forever -- their own little inside joke -- and how her parents had warned her, almost knowingly, to be careful, that things weren’t always what they seemed.

[aviationfiction]

XXII

Dante St. James

Exhilarating.

Intoxicating.

Addictive.

I’ve never felt anything as silky, velvety, and luscious against my skin until she meshed her supple lips into mine to create an unparalleled harmony between our mouths. The feel of her nails digging into the flesh of my neck enticed me; nearly beyond control, and I was left at her mercy as her flawless frame pinned itself to my own. Not to be outdone, I locked her into my arms and changed our positions so she was the one pinned against the elevator’s stainless steel walls instead of me. I’d poured every aspect of myself into that kiss; my tongue being the enforcer of my emotions and affections for the woman I was sharing it with. My hands relentlessly caressed, brushed over, and lightly grasped every accessible part of her, including the plumpness behind her that I so often find my staring at no matter what she’s wearing.

Time halted.

The world suddenly felt like a playground for only two souls and we’d lost ourselves into one another without care or concern of our location and it’s surroundings. In my blatant staring at Autumn as she enjoyed herself mostly with Mike and all of his antics, I realized that I undoubtedly have never set my eyes on anything or anyone more beautiful than she is. I thought I’d been a fool to believe that when I saw her for the second time as she formally greeted me at BlueStar. I’ve been to multiple countries, set my sights on mountains whether they were desert rocky or snow covered, seen the blues of the oceans, and most of all, walked amongst people from all of the world while taking in their similarities, differences, unique capabilities, and intriguing cultural backgrounds and yet this one woman superseded all of it. The essence of her soul is the embodiment of what it means to be genuine and her nurturing nature has not only entranced me, but has also been caring for my mind, body, and spirit since we’ve gravitated towards one another. She’s within my thoughts when I open my eyes every morning, implemented into my plans and schedule no matter how light or strenuous it is, and who I prefer to be around whenever time permits it…and even when it doesn’t.

I’ve seen a ton of films, read some of the greatest novels, and studied the works of the worlds greatest poets and writers. I’m not a discriminatory reader nor do I use my gender to limit my interests. I’ve taken in many different aspects of what romance is. Most importantly, I’ve had my attempts with it. Though unsuccessful, I’ve quietly sought for the undeniable heart to heart, mind to mind, and soul to soul tie to another human being who is perfectly suited for myself. In yearning for the emotional, I’ve tested out the physical aspects of it and though the climaxes came, the emptiness that followed took a blow to my gut time after time. In all of the kisses I’ve had over my nearly thirty years of living, none of them stimulated every aspect of myself in the manner that the one I had in the wee hours of this morning did. I nearly felt embarrassed as the chills followed by goosebumps, warmth followed by arousal, and the sparks followed by an endless need engulfed me and engraved the moment and her into my mind forever. A man my age was already supposed to have experienced all of that and tons more and yet here I am, nearly feeling like my purity is still in tact, and yet so pleased to know good things actually do come to those who wait.

“Yo!” I glance to the right of myself to give Mike the attention that he’d most likely been egging for for a couple of seconds and the look of confusion and agitation on his face matched the expression he’d given me just fifteen minutes ago.

“What’s up with you? You keep zoning out. This was a no for me as soon as we stepped inside. Fred’s not feeling it. Are you on board with that? Is it a no for you as well?”

He extended his arms outward to signify the space we were standing in and I turned in a complete circle to scan it’s perimeters once more and shook my head. Nothing about it drew any interest from me. Though I’m sure we could hire a contracting company for major renovations, consult with upscale interior design teams, and use our own expertise to turn this property into exactly what we’re looking for, I still don’t think it’d be enough. The square footage is odd. We pride our properties on intimacy and what we’re standing in is a social killer. Vegas is all about the glitz and glam; the grand nightclubs specifically constructed to make everyone feel like they’re someone of importance once they step past those velvet ropes. We’ve never cared for that style of ambiance and I’d rather we not start.

“Yeah, I’m on board with that decision. This is a no.”

“Cool. Let’s get out of here. I’m starving.”

“What’s new?” Mike raised an eyebrow as I took a jab at his endless hunger and he smirked.

“We’re going to find out over lunch. Nothing new is going on over here on my end, but I’m positive that you can’t say the same brother.” He glanced over at Fred for a co-sign and received exactly what he was looking when he chuckled and nodded his head as confirmation for the both of them plotting to intrude on what they’ve been curious about since this morning.

“Whatever. Lets keep it light. I’m taking Autumn out to lunch.”

“You can keep it light. I’m eating a full damn meal. You can starve until you eat with your woman if you want.”

The light chuckles between the both of them filled my ears until we were at the very front of the vacant establishment thanking it’s owner for allowing us to do a walk through on such a short notice. Though we’d make appointments with the others, we were given information about this property while viewing a spot over on West Flamingo Road. Once we gave him a call, he immediately agreed to drop what he was in the middle of handling and meet us here. Though it’s not what we we’re looking for, I respect his ethic.

“Grand Lux Cafe?”

“Fine with me.” I’d always preferred the international brand off of the Cheesecake Factory over it’s originator in the first place. The dishes were a decent spin on the best European cafes and French bistros. Whenever I’m over in Jersey at Mike’s house, we’d shoot over to the one right by Garden State Plaza and grab a meal that suited whatever the time of the day it was. He goes there so much that nearly all of the waitresses knows who he is. I’m sure his endless filtration plays a part in it as well.

“I do have a taste for those crispy Thai shrimp and chicken spring rolls. I’m with it.”

Though we could have left the car parked and walked down to the restaurant, the Vegas heat had already drained a ton of energy out of our bodies since our two hours of being out in it, so we drove. If it were up to me, I’d be in a pair of basketball shorts and a t-shirt while maneuvering around in this dreadful weather, but I dressed up in simplistic khaki pants, a Polo golf style of shirt, and Stan Smith’s collaboration with Adidas for my footwear. It’s not the business attire I’m used to for meetings but I could have shown up in a Hawaiian style button up shirt, shorts, and a pair of sandals for all these sharks could care. Money talks much louder than anything I could ever put on my back.

“Are we going to need drinks? Between you zoning out and that flustered expression on your face, I think alcohol might be needed.”

“Man, shut up.”

“So what happened after y'all left last night?” Fredrick cut straight to it just like I knew he would. He hadn’t even picked up his menu yet.

“Damn. Can we get the drinks first? Can we order the food?”

“I already know what I want. I want a Heineken and the Pastrami Burger. If I’m not too full, I’ll get the beignets for dessert. As a matter of fact, we can get them and share those shits.”

“Okay Mr. Prepared. I’m going with the Baked Rigatoni. Mai Tai for me. Jon B, what you getting?” A smirked danced along my lips and I couldn’t help but to laugh at yet another one of his cheap jabs at my complexion. He’s about the only person that I let get away with that.

“Crab cakes. Side of fries I guess. Mai Tai for me as well.”

“Good. That shit has four rums in it and you need all four of them to take you off of the edge of whatever you and Autumn were doing in that bed.”

“Sleeping? That’s what we did in that bed, Mike.”

“Aye man. You don’t have to be modest or lie to me. It’s just me, your best friend, shit, your brother. Y'all are two grown and single people. There’s nothing wrong with the pokey pokey.” Drips of water trickled down the sides of Fredrick’s mouth area as he failed to contain his budding laughter at Mike’s ridiculousness. “From the way you were staring at her last night, I figured you were bound to go for it. You looked like your damn head was about to explode.”

“There’s nothing wrong with the what?” His question to further Mike’s antics was followed with loud laughter.

“The pokey pokey.” Before I could knock down his assumption yet again, the waitress returned to the table for our order and my talkative best friend’s flirtation. What makes it amusing is he’s never serious about it. About ninety percent of the time he’s just playing around for either a reaction or a giggle out of whichever woman is wearing her uniform skirt too short or the pants too tight. It’s been his thing to do since we were teenagers and it’s not changing any time soon. I look forward to the day when he’s married and he has to resist doing it so that his wife won’t chew his head off. I’d pay to see that sight.

“Alright, the food and drinks are ordered. Now we small talk until it’s time to eat. Dante, the floor is yours. Well, the table. What happened?”

“The driver took us back to the hotel and were just talking the whole time. Autumn had a bit more to drink than I did so she was tipsy. Not drunk. She was walking and talking just fine, no slurred speech, and literally everything she said made sense. I’ve or rather we’ve been working in the nightclub business long enough to know when a person is wasted.”

“Yeah, she was sipping those zombies moderately until Fredrick started talking to her. I saw her gulp down the last drink she had. What did you or she say?” Mike turned his head to look at him and he shook his own nonchalantly.

“We were just having a casual conversation. Trivial. It’s really not important. Dante, continue.”

“So, we walked through the lobby talking, I called for the elevator, and as soon as it came, I stepped on first. She was apprehensive; I’m assuming now that I think about it. She was standing in-between the doors for a couple of seconds, just staring at me, and I took it upon myself to grab her waist and pull her inside so the doors would close. By now, she’s standing directly in front of me and I asked her if she had a good time. She never answered that and instead mentioned that I have a high tolerance for alcohol and I admitted that I hadn’t had that much to drink. From there, I randomly started talking about the club itself and she wasn’t listening to me. I could tell because her eyes were lowered and staring at exactly what she was going to go for next; my lips. I don’t know, Fred, I felt like this jolt of astonishment, relief, lust, and need all at once. It was the wildest feeling I’ve ever experienced and I don’t know if I should feel embarrassed or crazy for saying that.” I expected a few giggles and even those witless glances between the two of them but instead they sat there in silence accessing what happened between Autumn and I just as much as I was. Fredrick slightly slouched himself down and dropped his head back in as subtle shock while Mike took a sip of his water and awaited the rest of the details.

“A peck?”

“No. It was intense and potent. My hands were exploring every aspect of her curves as I pinned her to the wall of that elevator.”

“Tongue?” Mike’s eyes widened.

“Yes, man. Feeling. Grabbing.” I gulped down the knot in my throat. “Gripping.”

“Oh shit.” Fred mustered up a small smirk and he nodded his head in pride at the last verb I’d mentioned. I still can’t believe I did that myself. My hands went from resting on the small of her back to sliding down over the thick flesh below it. My subtle aggression was the cause of her moaning against my mouth and that only further enticed me to want and need more from her. My mind had gone beyond the moment. My eyes were tightly shut closed as she savored my mouth and yet I was fantasizing about my own nibbling at the most sacred part of her flesh. That embellished black dress that was such a sight to see suddenly become nothing more than a layer of inconvenience keeping me from what I yearned and damn near ached for.

“We were so caught up in the kiss that we hadn’t realized the elevator was called back downstairs to the lobby. We left this older couple mortified. Though we pulled apart and attempted to regain our composure in record time, they were so disgusted that they wouldn’t even get on. They just waited for the next one.” They’d finally had something to laugh at and wasted no time in doing so at the expense of Autumn and my embarrassment.

“Sounds like some teenager shit man. That’s hilarious.”

“It felt like it. Shit, it felt like my mom walked in on me or something along those lines.” I couldn’t help but to chuckle about it. Maybe it was the liquor but Autumn thought it was hilarious and had I not grabbed her waist and locked her at my side, she would have continued that kiss with no regard for their presence.

“And how did she end up in your bed?”

“I invited her to come up and watch a movie since she said she wasn’t tired. We just did it in the bedroom instead of sitting out in that common area. About ten minutes into the movie, she started falling asleep so I took her boots off and pulled the covers up over her. After turning off the TV, I got back in the bed, she kissed me goodnight, and we went to sleep. Nothing sexual happened.”

“A goodnight kiss as well? Well that’s a nice touch on things. She’s pretty bold. That must have been something that she’s been wanting to do for a while and finally just decided to give in. That wasn’t liquor or some random and impulsive act. If it was, she would have been embarrassed as hell after doing it and there wouldn’t have been a movie night in your bed or a goodnight kiss. She would have left you on that elevator and went about her business.” Fredrick’s statement was what I already believed. I’d been thinking about it while readying myself earlier and making sure not to awaken her as she peacefully laid there entangled in the sheets. I could feel the tension between us as we stood there on the peak for a while talking and eventually just basking in one another’s presence on the hue of the stars. I figured it’d be unspoken for and ignored much like it’s been for a little while now because I’ve been hesitant to address that elephant in the room and I’ve doubted that she’s ready to due to all of the circumstances in her life. The concept of the right time held so much conflict and complexity until that kiss. Now I’m left to wonder what’s next.

“And that opens up the floor for the what’s next question. What’s next?”

We took a pause when our waitress approached the table with the drinks and I gulped down just about half of the Mai Tai as I used as much mental capacity as I could to figure out an answer to that question. What’s next can’t be what I want because what I want contains plenty of greed.

“I don’t know. That’s a question that I don’t know how to answer.”

“Well, what do you want? Start there. You obviously want her. That’s been obvious since damn near the beginning. So right now, at this moment, in what manner do you want her?” Leave it to Mike to continue to push for depth with difficult questions to answer.

“I don’t know. There’s a part of me that feels like what I want is understandable and justified while there’s another part of me that feels like I need to take a step back and allow her to make that decision and to take whatever time that she needs to do so. I don’t want her to feel like I’m forcing her hand or disregarding what she just went through with her ex-husband. I don’t know what she’s ready for and I’d rather not make her burdens any heavier than they already are. The last thing she needs is pressure. Maybe she’s not ready to date or be in a relationship. If that’s the case, I can’t fault her for that no matter what disappointment that may inflict upon me. I don’t know. This shit’s confusing. Maybe we can just go with the flow and see how things go. Don’t people do that when they’re trying to figure things out?”

“So you want to coast in a sense? You’d like to have something with her with no strings attached right now. There’s no commitment or title just yet, but there’s an understanding that there’s an attraction and you’re just seeing where things go.”

“That also means that we can be involved with other people. I don’t like the way that sounds.” Fredrick snickered once I shot down his analysis while Mike raised an eyebrow and shook his head.

“Possessive already? Damn. Okay, so you want an understanding and agreement that you two are exclusively seeing one another, but there’s no title on it. It’s just an understanding. That sounds better?” I took a couple of seconds to assess Mike’s version of Autumn and I’s next step and eventually shook my head.

“I don’t like the way that sounds, honestly.”

“Man, you want the commitment then. You want a relationship. You want titles; boyfriend and girlfriend. You want to be able to claim her and introduce her to people with the appropriate title and you want to be able to feel like she actually belongs to you instead of the situation you two have being up in the air because there’s nothing official about it.”

“Is that a bad thing?” Is it? I’d like to think it’s what’s right but how can I say that when I’ve yet to actually court her? I may be skipping over the actual process. Am I not supposed to allow her to feel me out over the course of a couple of dates and then make her decision? Maybe. I already feel like she’s felt me out and the time frame of dates is trivial. I can take her on a date every single day with her as my woman and court her just as much as I would if she wasn’t. None of that stops once the relationship is real. I want she and I to have a life outside of spending time together when we’re out of town due to my work obligations. I want to be able to be in New Jersey spending time with her just as much as I want her to be spending time in New York City with me. Every trip we take doesn’t have to be about business. She and Stacey are right when they say that I need a vacation, but I have no interest in traveling to some part of the world and doing so alone. That’s not a vacation; it’s isolation and I’ve had more than enough of that before Autumn made her mark. I’d also rather not feel like I can’t speak to her, see her, touch her, and show her affection unless we’re hundreds to thousands of miles away from those familiar with us by the way of relation or friendship. I may be a private person but I’m not secretive.

“No.” Their response was in unison.

“There’s nothing wrong with that. Shit, just hearing that come out of your mouth is super wild to me. I’ve been knowing you forever and I’ve never heard you sound this serious or invested about anyone. If that’s what you want, tell her that. If honesty has been an importance between the two of you thus far, then keep it that way and tell her what you feel and what you’d like. People get into relationships and still have to build. Neither one of y'all are running to a chapel any time soon nor are kids on your minds, so I don’t see what the big deal is.” Fredrick made it sound so simple, like he does with just about anything. He’s so smooth that he’d make you think jumping into a lion pit is as simple as taking a walk through a park. He rarely ever sweats over anything. The last time I seen the man stress out was over some fling of his mentioning a pregnancy and that eventually turned out to be negative result. Other than that, he’s as cool as a breeze and of course he’d believe that I’m supposed to have the same outlook on life.

“But I feel like I’m asking her for too much.”

“I don’t get it. You’re asking her for a commitment. Once you’re committed to someone, there’s a title on that. The way I see it, the only way that’s a big deal to her is if she wants to explore her options. Are you saying it’s too much because you believe that’s a possibility?” I could feel my stomach beginning to churn and suddenly every sip of the alcohol felt like a shot of fire tickling down my throat. I don’t have the answer to that question either. If I’m going by these couple of months we’ve spent together, I’d only be assuming that she’s not dating anyone or even considering it because she’s never spoken with me about that. If I look at it that way, I’m going to have to include myself into the equation of her lack of consideration. Maybe she does have options or is leaving the opportunity open for someone to step in but doesn’t want to let me know that. Women tend to be discreet with their dating lives and whatever is going on within their bedrooms because of male expectations and sexist fictitious laws crafted by men to keep them on leashes while we indulge in anything of our choosing. Autumn and I share a lot but I’m not Heather or Rachel. Women will always feel like those type of conversations are better suited for a female friend of theirs.

“I don’t know. Maybe. She’s newly single. Well, technically, her ex-husband’s been out of the picture for two years, but she’s newly single in terms of not being legally tied to anyone else and aside from all that she’s gone through in the midst of those two years, I know she was waiting until she and that guy were completely done and no longer tied to one another to move on with her life.” To soothe my throat, I took a sip of water and placed the glass along side the cocktail. “That’s honorable and I respect her for that. Now that she’s gotten that out of the way, whose to say that she wants to be tied to someone else so soon, you know? Maybe she is interested in seeing what’s out there.”

“Or maybe she’s not and she wants you. It’s been two years. That’s a long ass time man. I don’t care if she was still married and I mean that in non fucked up way. The man got involved with someone else, got engaged, and that woman is pregnant with his child. That happened within two years. No offense to her and the decision that she made but she didn’t owe him that. Yeah, there was a marriage license in tact but Autumn has been single for two years. I didn’t know there’s supposed to be some trial period or some type of wait period to date after divorcing someone. What kind of shit is that? Shit, if anything, he’s lucky. She could have went up in front of a judge during the divorce proceedings and hung his ass out to dry by claiming marital abandonment.” Mike’s lawyer talk earned a snicker out of Fred and he nodded his head in agreement with all that he’d said. “Talk to her and tell her what you feel. You’re never going to know until you do. Don’t be a bitch about this.”

“Shut up. I plan to. Today. I told the both of you that I’m taking her out to lunch. I also snagged tickets to the Boyz II Men residency so I’m going to take her to see that tonight. She’s extremely into R&B and soul music dating back all the way to the fifties so I know she’ll like that.”

“Boyz II Men concert with your girl? Cute shit man.”

“She’s not my girlfriend, Mike.”

“My momma tells me to always speak things into existence. Say it, claim it, believe it, then go and get it. Follow the rules pink boy. I’m speaking it into existence for you.”

“You might have to go ahead and get it for him too because I have a feeling he’s going to shrink up today.” Fredrick’s joke sparked up Mike’s annoyingly snide snicker and the both of them eyed me just to see if I would crack under the pressure. Though they’re sitting here encouraging me, that wouldn’t stop them from having a grand ol’ laugh at my expense if I do shrink up in front of Autumn this afternoon. I can admit, as Stacey as said, I’m absolutely a shark in the boardroom. I can handle business without breaking a sweat but romance? I’m an amateur. I’ve remained stagnant in that area because I’ve yet to encounter someone who mentally and emotionally impacted me to the point of wanting more, until now. Autumn is that and I’m ready to explore what it means to have a meaningful relationship. I’m never going to know if I don’t experience it first hand.

“I have it under control.”

“And don’t get drunk and end up in some Vegas chapel either. I know you’re turning thirty and she’s fine as hell but slow your roll. Y'all got time.”

“You’re going to have to chill with all of that she’s fine as hell shit.”

“She’s not your lady yet. Until she is, I’m letting these compliments blast off brother. I’ll stop when you make me stop. Good luck.”

Fredrick raised his glass in ode to me and we all shared a laugh as we eventually tapped out glasses to commemorate the positive outcome that we all seem to be hoping for. I wasn’t expecting our conversation to result in the depth that it did but to say that I appreciate the both of them would be an understatement. That was one of those big brothers and little brother moments that we occasionally share but this time it was about a topic that the both of them love just as much as any man would. I’d finally given them something outside of work and my dreadful family to be informative about and all that they said was useful. I’d been stuck in my head trying to figure it all out on my own since waking up this morning but they aided in putting it all into perspective. The only person missing is Stacey, who is an expert at getting into everyone’s head whether you want her to or not. She would have been able to assess the entire situation effortlessly, but we’ll save that for another day. When I return to New York, she’ll either show up at my apartment or the office to nag the hell out of me for the details that I know for a fact that Mike has already given her. If all goes well between Autumn and I, she’ll erupt into a ridiculously over exaggerated celebration and damn near marry me off and if it doesn’t, she’ll be there to pick me up no matter if I’m hurting or not. They’re my family and there isn’t a day that goes by where I don’t understand and cherish that.

“Oh and can you stay downstairs in her suite if y'all plan to celebrate with the pokey pokey? We’d rather be spared of those details.”

“Shut the fuck up Mike.”

My sweaty palms worsened during our walk through the hotel’s lobby and my ears drowned out just about everything happening around me, including yet another one of Mike’s rants about the high temperature outdoors. I considered going upstairs to our suite to truly figure out all that I would say to the woman who shook up my world in the wee hours of this morning but if I did go up there, I wouldn’t have come back down for a while and it would have resulted in me standing her up. No matter how many times I rubbed my hands down the sides of my pants and Fredrick squeezed my shoulders, I don’t think I’ll ever be as completely ready for this moment as I usually am for everything else. That’s the unpredictability of someone having partial control of your emotions. No matter what the outcome may be, I’ve already felt and learned so much. The difficult part is I’m already drawn her and the feelings that she evokes within me. Early on I feared it. Now I want nothing more than to immerse myself into her world.

“Get it together man.” I mumbled the words to myself as my knuckles tapped against the door to her suite. The taps were so minimal, I knew for a fact that she didn’t hear them. I did that for the sake of gathering my myself and finally knocked like any normal person would.

“I kind of thought you’d be back a little later. I know you all had a decent number of properties to look at.” She opened up the door with that statement already coming out of her mouth and my eyes immediately panned down to the mauve strapless romper and how it’s silhouette hugged every aspect of her curves that it could possibly cover. The floral design made it playful and yet the open back and the matching choker she wore on her neck gave it the spice that represents a part of her that tempts me like no other. Her hair being pulled back into a tight low ponytail left her breathtaking face to effortlessly outshine every other part of her and the natural make up pulled it all in for what she displays everyday: perfection.

“We saw all of them. We hated all except one which is why it went so quickly. There were some that were literal turn offs upon entry and there were others that we took our times walking through, but ultimately one of them garnered equal interest from all three of us.” I closed the door behind myself and slowly followed behind her as she headed in the direction of the master bedroom. My eyes couldn’t pull away from the sight if someone paid me their life savings to do so.

“What did you like about it?”

“It’s just about the same size as Baraya. Slightly smaller but it’s the atmosphere that we care about most. If we were interested in opening up one of those grand nightclubs like Drais, Hakkasan or Omnia, we would have done it a long time ago. We just want a place where people can actually come together and have a good meal and a good time at as well. Some choose to do either or. It doesn’t matter. It just needs to have the right vibe and that one property was near it but it needs some work.”

“Is the property worth the investment?”

“We’re still looking at the logistics but no final decisions are being made just yet. We’re going to wait it out and see if we come across anything else we favor.”

“That sounds fair enough. There’s no point in immediately investing into any property after seeing it for the first time. Take some time, look at others, check out the paper work, and come back to see it a second time as well. Is it on the strip?”

“Yeah, what you’re saying is right and it is on the strip.”

I stood in the doorway of the bedroom as she walked to and from the bathroom accessorizing herself. Her last trip inside of it resulted in her coating her lips with a nude lipstick.

“Which ones? Sandals or the Converses?” She held them up for me to see and I quickly pointed at the heeled sandals as their long laces dangled in front of her. The Converses would have been just as nice, but the heels were quietly for my viewing pleasure. They add another hundred levels to her already off the meters sex appeal.

“Did you eat anything?”

“I had a fruit parfait but in a bowl though with almonds in it. It was really good. I had it like an hour ago.” My follow up response flat lined as I watched her concentrate on carefully lasting up the sandals to her liking. There seemed to be a method to the madness that I didn’t quite understand because she was far more precise and exact than I expected her to be. When she finished and compared her second attempt, they were aligned as she needed them to be.

“We’re going to Due Forni Pizza & Wine for lunch.”

“Sounds good. It’s by here?”

“No. It’s actually like twenty five minutes away. We still have the Jeep, so I figured it’d be a nice little ride. What do you think? I can pick a place closer if you want.”

“No. I’d love to go on the ride. There’s more to Vegas than just the strip, so I’m glad you chose a place away from here.” She stood to her feet, grabbed her purse off of the bed, placed it’s strap on her shoulder, and she glanced in my direction. “Okay, I’m ready. Luckily you came here just in time for me to be ready. I didn’t have you waiting like yesterday.”

“I don’t mind waiting.”

“Yeah, right. You say that now.” Her giggle was light.

“Sexy. Very sexy.” I used my finger to point from the top of her head to the very tips of her toes and she sighed and full on laughed while shaking her head.

“You seem to think that everything I wear is sexy.”

“That’s accurate.”

“No it’s not but I can’t speak for you. All I can do is thank you. You look good yourself. I love it when you’re all suited up and yet I really love it when you’re casual. I can’t choose. That just means you look great at all times.”

“I appreciate that.”

She double checked her purse for the room key and I led the both of us our of her suite and down the hall to the elevator. Once the doors shut and confined us within the small space, I peered over at the overwhelming sight who was standing to the left of me tapping away at the screen of her phone. She has the height and figure of a runway model and yet she has this subtle thickness to her shape that truly takes form in her hips and thighs. Her legs are beyond comparison; making her stride graceful. Her facial beauty is so unique and striking; unlike anything or anyone I’ve ever seen before. She often makes fun of her forehead but it suits her so much. She has the eyes of a feline and their green color weakens me whenever I dare to stare into them. Her lips, the sight and feel of them; a dream.

God showed off with her.

“Are you going to use the valet?” My lip slowly eased from in between my teeth as she looked up at me and I quickly nodded my head.

“Yes. We have to wait in the front just like yesterday.”

Our wait wasn’t as long as I expected it to be. We stood along side one another no longer than ten minutes until the valet pulled up directly in front of the entrance. I helped Autumn into the passenger side of the car and put her seat belt on myself before getting in on the drivers side. She chose to use the Bluetooth to stream a nineties and early two thousands Hip-Hop playlist from Spotify and we were off just seconds after. Initially, we were in silence. She tapped her fingers against her lap in a nervous manner and I couldn’t fault her because I too felt the same as my hands gripped the steering wheel and my mind switch from thought to thought over and over again. Nas was our ice breaker. I took his verses of “If I Ruled The World” while she took Lauryn’s silky and infectious hook. Our heads bopped in unison while her rocking body made competition for the road. Song after song, I found myself stealing glances at her. I was paying less attention to the records and more so to her as she rapped along to literally every song. Lil Kim’s records excited her more than any of the others. I thought she’d morphed into Kim herself during her verse on Player’s Anthem. Her ponytail blew with the warm wind coming from the lowered windows and she used her hands to put emphasis on every word that came out of her mouth.

“Might have to change your name from Peaches to Lil’ Peaches.”

“Shut up! I love Kim. I was actually able to hang out with her a couple of times because she was good friends with Shane. Don’t ask me how my brother became such a good friend of hers because I truly don’t know. That man knew every damn body. He was loved.”

“Your brother had an interesting mind. It’s not surprising that so many people gravitated towards him. His book is a great read for young adults. It’s truly a guide to take you through the twenties. I appreciate that about it.” Her smile wasn’t solemn. Instead, it was one of pride and she nodded her head to confirm all that I’d said as accuracy.

“Absolutely. I remember when he was writing it. He started writing that book before he even hit his twenties. He’d hang all over New York City and have conversations with anyone he encountered to gain their perspectives on life. He was a life enthusiast and it showed in his free spirited nature. A liberal to the core too. That’s why he and Issac clashed so much. I loved everything about him.”

“I can tell he was special to you just as I know you were as special to him. He dedicated his book to you.”

“He wrote the book for me. That’s what he told me, so I’m going to have to believe it. He said to me my beautiful baby doll, this book is a guide for you to live your young adulthood to the fullest and I wrote it so you’ll know that no matter what you choose to do, I love you and it’ll be alright. I think I’m at the chapters about failure. Well, maybe I’m a little past it and getting to the part of picking back up and trekking on.”

“That’s one of the best parts.” Her eyes locked on me and she slightly dropped her head to the right.

“Of the book or life?”

“Both. Life because you’ve learned so much and you’re applying that to better yourself. There are people who don’t do that and end up creating a toxic cycle of screwing up but not you. You don’t carry yourself that way.”

“That’s true. I think for me, I don’t want anything more than to have an onslaught of joy in everything that I conquer. That’s it. Nothing will ever be perfect and I don’t want it to be because it’s not realistic and that’s boring. I like challenges. Overall, I want the joy though. Not happiness, joy. Happiness is based upon temporary pleasures and even some permanent ones, but joy is all about the sense of self. It’s true acceptance. You know, I’d say I need both.”

“Having both is a healthy balance.”

“What makes you happy?

“Currently?”

“Yes.” As I made a left into the parking lot of the restaurant I quickly glanced over at her and turned my attention back to the road. She was staring out of the window. As I awaited an answer, she turned to look at me but never opened her mouth to say anything. Instead, she unbuckled her seatbelt and awaited my next move.

“You’re not going to answer me?”

“Do I need to?” Her eyes widened a bit and she chuckled as she opened the door and hopped out of the truck. A huffed slipped past my lips as I accepted her avoidance to allow me into her head and I took the keys out of the ignition, opened the door, and stepped out. As I walked around the front of it, I used the keypad to lock the doors and Autumn playfully brushed her shoulder against my arm to garner my attention.

“It’s right here.”

“Excuse me?” I pushed the keys down into my pocket and watched as she gained a bit of a lead.

“What currently makes me happy. It’s right here.”

My smirked was nearly identical to her own and she playfully shook her head as I reached for the handle of the door and we stepped inside one after the other. The hostess seated us at a back corner booth at Autumn’s request and we settled on lemonade instead of indulging in the assortments of alcohol the bar was stocked with. She’d had enough last night and as our designated driver, I couldn’t do it.

“You know what you want?”

“Yeah. I’m getting the Spinaci pizza. It sounds so good; garlic spinach, ricotta cheese, mushrooms, peppers, and caramelized onions. You should get the Brasato pizza. Then we’ll share.” She pointed at what she was referencing to on my menu and I chuckled at her suggestion while reading over it’s ingredients.

“That actually does sound good. I’ll get it, even though it’s you who really wants it.”

“I do not. I just want to taste it.” Her eyes impishly rolled to the back of her head as I side eyed her and she nudged me in the midst of our laughter. “I’m sharing mine with you, so we’re even.”

“Yeah, okay Peaches. It’s okay to be greedy. I won’t tell anyone.”

“Whatever.” She nudged me again and her cinnamon and berry scent intoxicated me far more than any glass of wine could. When the waitress returned to the table with the drinks and took our order, silence invaded our space as she took a sip of her lemonade and scanned her eyes over our surroundings. I didn’t know whether to just come out with it or wait until her stomach was full to do so. Yet again I was left to figure out timing and this time there was no one to give me advice or a push to just go for it. It’s either now or I continue to sit around contemplating, hoping, and wishing, but never seeing results.

“Autumn.”

“Hm?” She didn’t look at me. She continued to stare at the painting to the left of herself.

“Why’d you kiss me last night?” We were close enough for me to feel her body tense up and shrink down in embarrassment. That wasn’t my intention and the sigh that came out of her mouth nearly made me cringe.

“I asked the question because I want to know if it meant to you what it meant to me.”

“I kissed you because I’d been wanting to do so for quite some time and I suppose my liquid courage knocked all of the fear out of me for just that moment and I went for it. I know it could have been in better taste but I wasn’t necessarily thinking about all of that.” She finally twisted her body so that her eyes and complete attention would be focused on me and I leaned on the table while nodding at what she explained.

“The taste was fine.” My tongue ran across my bottom lip as my nerves continued to rattle me. “You know, since the first time we’ve met I really couldn’t get you off of my mind. I thought of you after I braced you from falling, but it was non-stop after I’d seen you for a second time and truly took in all of you without you saying much of anything to me. I was baffled by your beauty but most of all, I was intrigued by your aura. Fredrick recognized you. He’d given me a bit of information that I could have found out if I Google’d you and your ties to your ex-husband but that wasn’t enough for me. It didn’t even touch the surface of what I wanted to know and still need to know. I want to say it was a mere coincidence that Isaac asked you to be my temporary flight attendant but that’d be cliche. I have faith so there had to be something more to that. That doesn’t just happen. From day one, you’ve been nothing but honest with me and you opened up and allowed me into your mind.”

“And you did the same.”

“Because you made me comfortable enough to do so. I don’t talk to many people nor do I care to share much about myself beyond who I am as a professional. Your honesty unknowingly to you was a push for me to be honest with myself and you’ve opened up the floodgates for a lot of demons that I’ve been avoiding to acknowledge. You’re making me look into myself and look for means to repair so much of the damage so that I can have that joy and happiness that you’re currently seeking.” Her infectious smile brightened up the room as it does anywhere we are and she rubbed my back in appreciation and encouragement for what I’d just revealed.

“You deserve joy and happiness. You’re too good of a man to allow those demons to get the best of you and control your destiny. It’s not worth it. You have too much life to live and too much good to come to let the past withhold you from enjoying it.”

“As do you. The thing is, right here and right now, I feel that. When I told you that I don’t think I give you enough credit last night, its because I hadn’t said any of this to you. It’s been hard to withhold this because I didn’t know when would be the right time to let you know. I didn’t want to overstep any boundaries initially and eventually it came to me not wanting to overwhelm you since I already had knowledge about what you’ve gone through. I’ve bit my tongue and even silenced myself before I went too far with my words a couple of times but that kiss gave me further ammunition to put my feelings out there. It’s beyond me liking you. I’ve liked you since we met. I want you.”

“Dante…”

“Let me finish. I don’t want you to feel pressured about any of this nor am I asking you to make a decision about me right now; not if you don’t want to. I just know that I want you and I’ve thought about what that entails and I can’t help but to want you with the appropriate title and position in your life. Maybe you just want to date me to feel me out a bit or maybe you don’t want to commit to anyone right now, which is understandable and I’d respect that but I’d like a chance. We can take it slowly in the midst of that. It’s not about me proving that I’m better than anyone or that I’m the perfect guy for you. I’d just like a chance to be along side you as your man while we live our best lives. That’s if…if you’ll have me.”

My heart thrashed against my chest after having sped up in pace word after word. Everything flew out of my mouth as quickly as it came to mind and none of it was what I rehearsed mentally throughout the course of the day. My emotions did the talking and allowed me to get it all out there to not only prove myself but to also alleviate the pressure I’d been experiencing for months. I’ve never done or said anything like that before and to live on this edge is exhilarating and frightening beyond what I could have ever imagined. No matter what she chooses, there’s no going back now and I’d never choose to do so. I’m all in. The question is, is she?

Her mouth fell agape as her nails lightly pressed into my back. The emotion in her eyes triggered the all too familiar fluttering in the pit of my stomach as I awaited what could make or break this moment.

“I’ll have you.”

I searched her eyes for any sign of hesitation but only found admiration for me. She’d chosen to soothe me by rubbing her hand against the nape of my neck just as she’d done last night but I needed more. As my arms locked around her petite frame, she leaned her head back to allow mind to align with the front of it and my lips meshed into hers in a burning hunger. It’d been such a challenge to refrain from relieving that agonizing desire for quite some time now and early this morning only served as a tortuous teaser. I had the urge to kiss her as soon as I opened my eyes and turned over to look at her. I fought it while readying myself to leave and also forced myself to refrain from awakening her for one as we were preparing to walk out of the door. In between my thoughts of this moment and how I’d go about it, her lips were embedded into my every thought and I could only fantasize about the moment when I’d be able to feel them against mine once again. The difference between the kiss we shared hours ago and now is the seal of our commitment to one another and the security in knowing that this is my reality now and I can share this kind of intimacy with her whenever I want.

“This is okay? You don’t mind public displays of affection?” Our lips met again after she’d gotten her question out and I quickly shook my head in the midst of the peck.

“No.” Her hand locked around the nape of my neck with subtle aggression and the moment only intensified when the both of her lips wrapped around my bottom one. I couldn’t help but to grab her thigh and draw her closer to my frame as she marked her territory by running her tongue across it and sucking it into her mouth. Yet again, the world seem to center around us and nothing else mattered; barely even the waitress who placed the two pizzas down on the table for us to consume.

“I’m so speechless right now. I can’t believe you said any of that.” The flustered smile on her face turned into a bit of a blush and my fingers lightly ran across her cheek in yet another gesture of my admiration for her beauty and essence.

“Why?”

“Because I didn’t think I was your type. I nearly wanted to kick myself in Paris when I finally began to admit to myself that I had feelings for you. Even this morning, I woke up and I was literally panicking because I thought that I’d truly crossed the line; so much to the point that I called my brother and quit.” My eyes widened as she revealed the last bit of information and she chuckled while nodding her head to confirm it as the truth.

“I called him back and fixed that long before you came to my room, but the first thing I could think of was to call him and create a barrier between myself and the potential embarrassment that would have happened if I wasn’t what you wanted.”

“You forgot that I was just as much into that kiss as you were?”

“This morning? Absolutely. All I kept thinking was that my drunken self pounced on you.”

“Well, you did…but I like it.” Our laughter rang out in the small corner that we were sitting in and she nudged me with her shoulder while shaking her head.

“Our first kiss could have been better though, don’t you think?”

“Nah, I liked that one.” Her shoulders dropped as she huffed and a smirk formed on her face as she reached to grab a piece of my pizza. The warmth of her body meshed with my own as she leaned into me and I leaned in to give it a try just as she had.

“I’ve been trying to show you that you’re my type ever since we met. Though I wasn’t verbal with it, in all the time that we’ve been spending together, there has been nothing more that I’ve been looking forward to other than that. I had my fears too baby. I thought I was out of your league initially. I didn’t think I’d be interesting enough for you.”

“I don’t know how. I was intrigued by you from the beginning.”

“I guess we were both so caught up in our fears, insecurities, and hesitance that we didn’t take the time out to actually pay attention to the signs that we were giving one another nor did we act on them…until now. The kiss aside, I’d been thinking of ways to ask you out on a date and I planned to do so after you returned to the east coast from Heather’s wedding festivities. I couldn’t wait much longer than that. Also, I didn’t want some guy out here to swoop in and ruin my chances because then I would have had to fight.”

“Oh, please!” She could barely chew on the bite she’d taken as she snickered. Immediately after she swallowed it down, her lips pecked mine.

“Can I be honest with you about something?”

“Anything.”

“When my ex and I got involved with one another we kept it to ourselves for the most part. Heather sort of knew about us but I was very limited with the information I gave her because it was a risky situation and I think me being young and so caught up into it, I enjoyed the thrill and adrenaline rush of being with him though it had the potential to be problematic. My family didn’t find out about Andreas and I until everything leaked out into the media and it was an ugly situation. There was a lot of fighting involved between my family and I and his mother had such a distaste for me. I chose a side and it was Andreas’. Once he took the Miami Heat coaching contract, I decided to leave UCLA and go to Miami with him because we agreed that we were going to get married. The only person who met him was Shane and it stayed that way. Even when I decided to take a breather two years ago, he never showed up to be with me during the mourning of my brother’s death or when I had the stroke. He was wrapped up in the NBA season and didn’t want to take a leave of absence. By the time he decided that he was going to come, I told him not to and the next thing you know, divorce papers were being served to me on a gloomy Friday morning.” She took a sip of her lemonade while allowing me to take in all that she’d said and I did my best to quickly understand what she was getting at.

“So no one other than Shane met him?”

“Right and that left a bad taste in all of their mouths. I skipped Isaac’s wedding because they didn’t want him there. They warned me not to bring him and I opted out of being apart of it and attending for the sake of my husband. That started a lot of tension between my brother and I and that tension is still very much between us currently. I fear what his reaction to us will be because you’re his client and he respects you for all that you are as a man but most of all as a professional. I’m nothing but the little sister who he believes is irresponsible, erratic, and childish. He’s disappointed in me because I left school and married young but overall, I think he truly resents me for choosing Andreas over him and he’s yet to let up on it. Now I’m with you. It’s tough.”

“Did you apologize to him for it? I’m not saying that you have to regret the decision you made but sometimes an apology works.”

“I do regret not going, honestly. I believe that could have been a moment for my family and I to make amends for all of the drama but instead, I reacted in a spiteful manner because I believed they were doing the same thing to me. I should have been there to support him but I refused. Hell, that was the first time I told Shane no. Now, I’ve yet to apologize to Isaac because we fight and his insults only make me want to insult him without a filter. He’s verbally vicious when he wants to be and he’s a pompous asshole the majority of the time. We clash a lot so I avoid him for the most part. So when it comes to you and I, that’s why I avoid displaying our personal connection in front of him. I can only imagine his reaction to it and if that man makes some type of assumption that I’m screwing you for what you have or that I’m involving myself with you in order to be spiteful towards him, my reaction’s not going to be one of my better moments.” Though the background situations differ, I can absolutely understand her strained relationship with her brother because I have one with my own and we’ve had the riff between the two of us ever since we were kids. In him being my older brother, I did crave for him to take me under his wing and be an influential figure in my life when I was past the toddler years but the more Matthew figured out where I came from, what happened between our father and his mother, and why his family dynamic changed, the more he pushed me away and lashed out in manners that I’d yet to understand. Richard eventually pitted he and I against one another and of course he favored Matthew because he owed it to him to do so; as did my mother. Despite all of that, I don’t think I truly took a disliking to my brother until they shipped me off to London for boarding school. It was at that point that I felt like an orphan. I still feel like one.

“You want me to talk to him?”

“No, of course not.”

“Autumn, I don’t want to hide. I want this to be as real and as normal as possible. I don’t want to creep around with you because we have no reason to do so. There’s nothing dishonorable happening here. We’re two people who took an interest in one another and developed a bond that has now turned into a relationship. What I do for a living and what you currently do for a living has nothing to do with that. You don’t ask me for anything but that doesn’t mean that I’m not going look out for you and look after you.”

“You don’t have to do all of that.”

“But I will because it’s what I want to do. I don’t want to have to hide that either. I want to meet your family because that’s where you currently reside and if I should want to come to pick you up, I’d hate for them to be surprised or confused. I don’t think you want that either. Why take them through that all over again? If you discuss it with your family, I believe that all will go well because it’ll be a much better approach than the one you took before and they’ll take it seriously. If you want me there for it, I’m in. You’ll meet my family too.” As she pulled her lip in between her teeth, she nervously nodded. “I don’t want to hide baby.”

“You want me to meet your family?”

“If I could avoid and hide you from the dysfunction that is my shitty family forever, I would. I can’t though. Richard has eyes and ears all over the place. So yes, in some type of manner, I’d like you to meet my family.”

“They can’t be that bad.” If she only knew what she was talking about. I’d like to believe that too but they’re fucking horrible as far as I’m concerned. No one deserves a set of parents like mine. They may have made sure I had luxuries and an expensive education but I would have easily traded that in for their love and moral support throughout my childhood. I wanted a soccer mom and one of those overbearing fathers who coached from the sidelines during their kid’s games. Though I had damn near perfect grades, I still wanted someone scolding the hell out of me and threatening to take away my favorite toys and game systems if my report card didn’t come in looking good. I wanted my mother to teach me how to treat a woman while my father schooled me on safe sex. I want to be assured that I was loved and cherished enough to turn to them for anything but I wasn’t. Aside from my uncle being there for me when he could, I raised myself.  

Autumn picked up and bit into another piece of the pizza that I was barely eating and lightly moaned in satisfaction. She hadn’t even touched hers.

“So my pizza is better than yours greedy?” She nearly choked on the piece she was chewing as she cackled against my shoulder. Though I hadn’t touched much, I could admit the braised short rib, calabrian peppers, red onions, and chinchurri were quite a taste.

“It’s so good and you’re not even eating it.”

“What are going to do with yours? You’ve yet to touch it.”

“Midnight snack, of course. I’ll save you some of yours.” I could actually picture her sneaking a piece of pizza and laying around on the couch watching some show of hers. She receives more pleasure from dough, marinara sauce, and cheese than I’ve ever seen anyone else have.

“Nah, don’t worry about it. Enjoy it. You taste my pizza, I taste your lips. Deal?” Before she could take another bite, she gleamed in happiness and quickly leaned in.

“Deal.”

As her lips covered mine, she slowly ran her tongue across the slit of my own and I swiftly opened my mouth and permitted her warm tongue it’s entry. She granted me the best of both worlds within that moment.

I want this feeling forever.

A roar of laughter filled the twenty third floor of the Venetian without regard for the resting residents or the hour of the early morning. I inhaled the sweet scent of my woman’s body as my arm remained locked around her shoulders. Her right hand tightly intertwined with mine while her left held a frozen margarita she’d gotten as we randomly walked along the strip. It turned into a spontaneous outing after having an incredible time sitting front row and watching Boyz II Men literally serenade her song after song. Though she wasn’t the only woman within reach, she quickly became the target of Nathan Morris’ vocal affection and it didn’t stop at the direct singing. Even though they were supposed to be giving out roses to random women in the audience during their famous hit “I’ll Make Love To You”, both Nathan and Shawn seemed to return to Autumn multiple times which resulted in her having a damn bouquet worth of red roses to swoon over while singing along to the song as I fought the urge to stick a leg out and trip the both of them while they made their way back to the stage.

It was the dress. Actually, no, it was the entire package with the dress simply being the subtle enhancer. She looked like some mythical goddess of the sea as she confidently stood along side me all night long in an apricot colored mid-thigh length dress that was interestingly and intricately crafted like a coral reef all over. It’s deep v-neck opening and backless additions furthered the appeal and what damn near blew my mind were the matching platform sandals that covered her feet. I’d never seen anything like it on anyone before and she informed me that the Alexander McQueen pieces were just more old garb that had been collecting dust in her Miami closet for a couple of years. She was supposed to wear it to Adrienne Bosh’s birthday party but ultimately opted out of attending. Thankfully she didn’t, because it would have been a sight that I would have never gotten to see and my God, it’s one that no one should ever have to miss. It’s was what had the members of the nineties R&B group damn near drooling and also what caused her to be showered with dozens of compliments as we walked along the strip joking about the most trivial topics. Lastly, aside from my emotions being on an never ending and elated high, her choice in attire for our night out together played it’s part in my unabashed antics in being all over her. What I’d grimace and turn the other way over whenever I’d see couples out in public doing it, felt so natural and fulfilling to me tonight. Stacey would always tell me that when it’s real, you’ll know and I would quickly dismiss she and all of her soap opera dramatics, but I owe her now. I might not tell her how right she’s been because the gloating would be unbearable, but I’ll figure out a way to give her some form of credit.

“I put down my Boyz II Men roses when we got the drinks and I forgot them. I’m shitty.” After inserting her key card into the door, she waited for the green light to appear and opened it up for our entry.

“You had those old men trembling in their Depends.” As she walked towards her bedroom, once again we were joining one another in laughter. While she tossed her bag on the bed, I finished off what was left of my drink and disposed of the plastic cup. Autumn bought the drinks with earnings from her random luck at a penny slot machine she decided to play with while I took a phone call from Richard. She spent less than five dollars and walked out of that casino with five hundred dollars in her purse. Her win was far more hilarious than exciting to the both of us. She wasn’t even eager to win and it was clear that she didn’t know what she was doing since she’s never gambled before. Her curiosity got the best of her for the few minutes my attention wasn’t completely hers and the cards or should I say slots aligned for her.

“The show was so good though. Thank you for taking me. I love me some Boyz II Men.”

“You’re welcome Peaches. I figured you’d like it since you’re an old soul and all.” Her platform sandals were next on her agenda. While sitting on the edge of the bed, she unbuckled them one by one and carefully removed them from her feet.

“You say that like Boyz II Men aren’t during your time. You’re hitting thirty in a month old man. Speaking of, what do you want for your birthday?”

“Nothing.” As she stood up, her eyes playfully rolled to the back of her head.

“I figured you’d be difficult. I’ve been trying to think of a good gift for a few weeks now and I have ideas but I’m not sure which route I’m going to take. Give me a hint of something you’d like.”

“I like you.”When she huffed, her eyes repeated the gesture once more and a smirked danced along her perfect lips. As I stood in the door way, she inched closer until we were face to face and used her pointer finger to poke my chest.

“You have me and I’m not all that. Be serious.”

“You are all that and I’m being serious.” My chuckle forced her to cut her eyes. “But uh…maybe you, food made by you, in some place chosen by you? That sounds nice.”

“Me?” My eyes widened as an expression of curiosity arose on her face and I quickly threw my hands up in an honest defense.

“Not like that. Not like that. I mean you as in your presence, not you as in something else. You as in you.” The nervousness that arose within the pit of my stomach and eventually made it’s way to my face was an amusing sight for her to witness and she didn’t hold back from giggling while slightly holding her head to the side.

“I’ll take that into consideration. You staying down here tonight?”

“I can?” I hadn’t expected that invitation. Did I want it? Sure.

“Yes. I have an extra bedroom. Make yourself comfortable. We have a flight to take in a couple of hours.” I took a step back and my mouth fell agape as, I too, joined her in amusement.

“I can’t sleep in here with you?”

“Nope. You said that we’re taking things slowly. Remember?”

“I did say that but I didn’t mean this slow. We slept in the same bed upstairs.”

“I didn’t know there were guidelines. You said slow.” The teasing within her tone and the sultriness of her stance were on the verge of driving me up a wall and yet I could do nothing but stand there and allow her to have that power because I liked it.

“Platonic sleeping is slow.”

“Platonic sleeping? Ha! That’s a new one. Sweet dreams.” The kiss she planted on my lips worsened the fire already burning within me while the sight and sound of her bedroom door closing served as the extinguisher to put me out.

“Goodnight! You got that teasing shit from that show at Crazy Horse. I’m never taking you there again.” Like she’d been doing since we left out for our night out on the town, she cackled loudly enough for me to hear and I could still hear it as I made my way across her suite to the second bedroom.

I’m alright with slow.

I’m alright with whatever she needs from me.

But damn Autumn.

According to the pitch blackness surrounding the bedroom and the eerie silence that was cause for my eyes panning back and forth, I hadn’t been sleeping long. I removed my clothes a half an hour after lounging on the bed and answering e-mails that I’d received from A&M. Richard already informed me about the mandatory meeting happening within a day and the company luncheon that is to follow directly after but it didn’t stop the five reminder e-mails from coming my way. We’re hosting intern seminars and I’m scheduled to speak at three out of five of them. Matthew’s doing two. The only reason he summoned he and I to speak and then to observe is because our latest batch of interns is compiled of far more women than men. His knack for enticing interns is unmatched. After a week in the New York office, I’m off to the London office for a couple of days and then it’s back to New York for the MoMA Party in the Garden. This year’s event is being underwritten by Cartier. In the midst of trying to mentally access and properly pan out what had been added to my schedule, I nodded off to sleep.

Three hours. I only slept for two hours and it seems like I’m not the only one to have done so. I could hear Autumn’s footsteps pacing the floors as I laid in silence for the past couple of minutes. I mentally followed along with her every move until she surprisingly opened up the door to where I was resting. I could see her poking her head inside but it was clear that she didn’t know I was awake and it made me smile. Her next move was to step inside and quietly close the door behind herself. Her tip toeing nearly made me burst into laughter and flutters filled my core as she climbed into the bed on the left side.

“Slow huh?” She flinched at the sound of my choice and my laughter followed as she dipped down until her head hit the pillows.

“Why are you awake?”

“I just woke up. Why are you awake?”

“I never went to sleep. Couldn’t sleep.” As she slightly turned, I reached for her arm and pulled her to the middle of the bed and slid over until I was there with her. I left it up to her to pick a position and she chose to throw a leg over mine and mesh into my side until her head was resting between my neck and shoulder. We shared a peck once I turned my head and my arm rested over her back.

“Sweet dreams.” While my hand caressed her back, I listened to the sound of her breathing until it slowed to signify her slumber.

I didn’t have the urge to sleep.

No dream could be better than my current reality.

There’s no way possible.

[the3volution-blog]

The Portrayal of Women in Rap Music Over Time

Men have dominated the demographics of the rap industry since the beginning of its creation, and the perception of women in the industry has shifted over time. With the primary establishment of rap music came the need for lyrics and visuals; those ways of communication featured the objectivization of women and implied that there was not any need to represent women and their priceless worth. Some women, on the other hand, were unsatisfied with the way their gender was being portrayed for the world to see, the same portrayal that would come to construct generations upon generations of stereotypes for black people. After the emergence of a handful of female black rappers, the main focus of how women were looked at went from props to pride, with women then using their music to highlight the real problems that they were being confronted with in their individual and communal worlds. After years of inspirational and effective content, new age women rappers used their skills and words to turn the previous sexual objectivization into confidence and they began to embrace their bodies and stigmas, becoming respected and heard as women artists. Over decades, women in the rap industry have consistently evolved by repeatedly attempting to alter their false perception and validate their place in the industry as strong, capable, and show-stopping women.

Primarily, women began to appear in rap music by having a solidified place in music videos and lyrics; these videos usually glorified the life of a rapper by showing the audience an immense amount of money, cars, and women. Women are seen without a lot of clothing, dancing around the men for their pleasure and to make a point that women are used for luxury, not substance; women were seen as objects simply to be held by men. The women did not have a voice in videos or songs, both literally and figuratively, because they were not talking but instead showing off seductive facial expressions. In the article “Misogyny and the Evolution of Women in Hip Hop” by Stephanie Petsche, the perception of women in music is compared by different topics: Early Hip Hop Culture, The Changing Tides, and Female Empowerment in Hip Hop. The article gets the point across by using several different artists who represented each category. In the category Early Hip Hop Culture, the way men used women to support their songs is described: “These sexist male artists exploited the purely physical and sexual aspects of women, and in rap from a male perspective, women are often defined as objects or subjects.” Due to the fact that technology was not necessarily very advanced in the 1980s, the lyrics of songs regarding women were more prominent than videos; videos were not as common as they are today. Some examples of the mentioning of women in rap songs in the 80s and 90s are the song “Me So Horny” by 2 Live Crew  and “Blow Job Betty” by Too $hort. The title of the song “Me So Horny” gives away its misogynistic tone in the title. Some lyrics read “I arrived at her house, knocked on the door/Not having no idea of what the night had in store/I'm like a dog in heat, a freak without warning/I have an appetite for sex, 'cause me so horny.” It’s clear that these lyrics show the reader the craving for sex held by the author, and it’s obvious that the woman mentioned is one that is made to give him pleasure. The rest of the song continues on to mention how many women ask him about his sex drive, and he replies that there is nothing wrong with wanting to get pleasure out of sexual intercourse. In an effort to summarize the  song “Blow Job Betty,” the artist mentions how he has a boner due to the thought of a nasty woman; a woman who makes you think about sex and can do crazy tricks that you could really only dream of. This song is a prime example of men using women as sex objects as opposed to evaluating what they have to offer from their minds or their actions, which is a theme that was so despised by a majority of the women audience, causing a generation of informational and powerful women rappers.

Combating the unpleasant portrayal of women in the past, women used their voice to perceive women as a strong, independent, and special breed. Women artists such as Queen Latifah, TLC, MC Lyte, and Lauryn Hill emerged as rappers and took it upon themselves to change the spotlight on women from a negative to a positive view. With Queen Latifah, the song “Ladies First,” released in 1989, highlights the beautiful capabilities held by women. Some lyrics read “Strong, stepping, strutting, moving on. Rhyming, cutting, and not forgetting. We are the ones that give birth. To the new generation of prophets because it's Ladies First” and “Who said the ladies couldn't make it, you must be blind. If you don't believe, well here, listen to this rhyme. Ladies first, there's no time to rehearse. I'm divine and my mind expands throughout the universe. A female rapper with the message to send the Queen Latifah is a perfect specimen.” These lyrics validates women’s unique being and the importance that they hold, regardless of the way men have and continue to look at them. With TLC, the song “Unpretty” confronts the idea of a “beautiful woman” and what that means: “You can buy your hair if it won't grow. You can fix your nose if he says so. You can buy all the make up. That M.A.C. can make. But if you can't look inside you. Find out who am I too. Be in the position to make me feel. So damn unpretty. I'll make you feel unpretty too.” To me, it seems like this girl group explains the importance of what a person can offer from the inside as opposed to their outside portrayal, like rap songs by men in the past. This song united women around the world and disregarded the need to get work done on the body or alter their appearance in order to feel beautiful. MC Lyte used her music to embrace her ability as a rapper. In the song “I Am Woman,” she writes “Well, let's see, what you wanna know about me? MC L-Y-T-E. (The queen) Nah, that's too corny. (The sexy) Nah, that gets the guys too horny. (The best) Now that sounds conceited. But what is true is true, so it has to be repeated. The best is Lyte, when I'm on the mic.” This song is purely unapologetic, evolving from a time of silenced and exploited women, MC Lyte writes lyrics that show men that she may be the best rapper in the game, regardless of the imbalance of men to women rappers at the time.  Lauryn Hill’s song Doo-wop (That thing) was a song dedicated to reestablishing the self respect a woman should hold. The lyrics read “Showing off your ass cause you're thinkin' it's a trend. Girlfriend, let me break it down for you again. You know I only say it cause I'm truly genuine. Don't be a hard rock when you really are a gem. Baby girl, respect is just a minimum. Niggas fucked up and you still defending 'em. Now, Lauryn is only human. Don't think I haven't been through the same predicament. Let it sit inside your head like a million women in Philly, Penn. It's silly when girls sell their souls because it's in.” These lyrics are particularly important because not only does Lauryn explain the importance of gaining respect from a man, but she also explains that she is guilty of the actions she is trying to prevent, making her words relatable, effective, and real. These are only some examples of remarkable songs that were released in an effort to reestablish the respect, beauty, and effortlessness that come out of women and their worth.

To address the evolution of women in rap in terms of today, women rappers have begun to turn the previous sexual and provocative view of women and make it something to be proud of. Rappers like Nicki Minaj, Missy Elliott, and Eve have used their words to empower women all over the world. The idea that women can both use their sexuality and body as well as their mind to express themselves has become an increasingly popular view in society (Petsche). A particular song by Nicki Minaj is “Feelin’ Myself,” which says “I am a rap legend, just go ask the kings of rap. Who is the queen and things of that nature, look at my finger, that is a glacier, hits like a lazer.” Nicki wears a slight amount of clothing in the visual, embracing every part of her body for her own pleasure. Mind you, there is no man in the video and she is instead accompanied by her good friend Beyonce. These two women use this song as a way to embrace their money that they have made for themselves as well as show that they are their own independent women. In the quote, it is shown that Nicki wants the “kings of rap” that she is a legend just as well, regardless of her gender. Beyonce even says “I’ll stop the world. Male or female, it makes no difference. I’ll stop the world. World stop. Carry on,” as a way to emphasize that a woman is just as capable of accomplishing that of a man. Like that song, the song “Work It” by Missy Elliott was released in 2002 and embraced women in whatever fashion they came in: “Girls, girls, get that cash /If it’s 9 to 5 or shakin’ your ass /Ain’t no shame, ladies do your thang / Just make sure you ahead of the game.” This song embraces the sexual aspect of women and makes it something that is once again satisfaction for the woman and not for the man. It’s the idea of sexualization of women without a man’s attention that has become revolutionary in today’s day in age, something that female rappers have done for decades and have not received enough credit for.

After decades of evolving as women in the rap world, the wave of feminism has changed over time, which has both improved and changed the rap industry forever. Women have solidified their place in rap, attracting listeners and bringing in forever fans. Women have come a long way- First as sexual objects, then as ambitious and motivated women, and finally to independent and unapologetic women. The author of the article says that “[She] believes that because women ingeniously used their sexuality to empower their music, and earn their respective place in hip hop culture, today the female artists are essentially on an equal professional playing field as the male artists.” With that quote, it is clear that women have taken it upon themselves to make a name in the industry that was once overwhelmingly accompanied by male artists. It’s important to recognize that although there has been extreme improvement and evolution of women in the industry over time, there is still a lot of work to do in terms of really leveling out the playing field. There are still lyrics and videos that represent a misogynistic industry, but as decades live on, it’s still vital to recognize the way that music evolves with it, and to identify and appreciate the women that are making it happen.

Ayla Thorntona 

[dkkingwriter]

The Hived Mind With The Most Drones Wins

The more I learned about the ever-elusive They and the dystopia They feed on, the more I began to take profound stock of what was around me. Talk about an infinite slew of consciousness quakes. There’s nothing like a systemic inventory of what really makes the world go ‘round to open the room up for countless questions about the real motives behind everything we’ve taken for granted since birth.

But first, a caveat - it applies across the board, without exception, to everyone regarding everything:

PLEASE DO NOT TAKE MY WORD OR INTERPRETATION FOR ANYTHING! What I share here are my perceptions and my interpretations as a work in progress, and I have no desire or intention of telling another self-empowered human being what truth should be for them. As stated in previous posts within “The Big Lie” series this post is part of, one positive consequence of reclaiming our power is personal accountability. We alone are individually responsible for our personal enlightenment process, the path we choose and what we intend to manifest as we strive to detach from the MC control matrix. No blame-shifting, no passing the buck, no victimhood. If my own experiences are any indicator, however, I have found that remembering how to navigate within our physicality as an empowered being takes some getting used to, and lots of open minded practice. You have my word on that.

So what predominant hive-minded, well organized “teams” devised by the MC do we most identify with today?

Many would rank the tightly managed leagues below as gold medal winners, if only on the basis of membership volume and the constant drone of devoted servants. See if you can spot where the repetitious MC tactics of Divide and Conquer, Order Out of Chaos, Bread and Circuses, and the Crab Bucket Seduction as described in my previous post are surreptitiously at work behind the friendly facades of these consciousness controlling collectives.

1.       RELIGION TODAY

We were told we were sinners in need of salvation and we believed it.

In believing the lie, we handed the chosen Savior power over our souls.

All roads lead to Rome, and I mean ALL roads (do your own research on this one). The world’s religions and cults have everyone praying to the same god and fighting about it. Religion has reduced the divinity in humanity down to the level of cursed and pitiful sinners in need of redemption by a third party savior, as if we do not have the power within each of us to save or redeem ourselves. When believers worldwide finally learn the truth about the god to whom they pray, there will be a collective consciousness quake like the world has never seen.

Oh, and let’s not forget that They would never invest in anything that didn’t secretly feed Their voracious appetite for power through infinite riches. So always follow the money. Charities, orphanages, missionaries, camps and clubs, churches and cathedrals, Vatican City and the Vatican Bank: The Institute for the Works of Religion, the Jesuits, The Knights Templar, Freemasonry, carry on and freak out.

2.       POLITICS-PATRIOTISM-GOVERNMENTS

We were told we owed faithful allegiance to our governments and we believed it.

In believing the lie, we handed our faithless governments everything we stand for.

POLITICAL PARTY LINES: Politics is smoke screen theatre; a spectacular magic show put on by the MC’s Grand Illusionists to fleece, segregate and corral the herds as ordered. We might even call it the biggest show on Earth, the biggest show of fear mongering that is.

Liberal vs Conservative, Democrat vs Republican, Left vs Right. Who cares? I mean really, who cares? We might do well to pull down the artificial veil of separation and see with understanding eyes that the basic needs, wants and desires of almost every human alive are fundamentally the same. Underlying all of this social manipulation is the MC agenda, and this agenda remains constant regardless of who They pick to run any country.

The projected illusion of pitting opposites against each other with staged acrimonious sound bites is another successful MC variation of Divide and Conquer. While families are at each other’s throats arguing religion and politics at the dinner table, the MC are smugly enjoying a member’s only pizza party together behind closed doors.

PATRIOTISM: As far as the MC are concerned, patriotism is for peons. This clever form of emotional manipulation instills a strong sense of national loyalty by forever dangling the elusive promises of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness, and lately to ad nauseam, freedom and democracy.

The issue at heart here is not whether happiness and other virtues are worth pursuing, or whether our soldiers and veterans should receive our unwavering gratitude and appreciation. The issue underpinning everything is always the MC agenda, and They have never had a problem using the good hearts in humanity against humanity. It’s also worth noting that the MC controlled governments running the world today do not reciprocate the loyalty expected of its citizens in any way. It’s a one-sided deal to the death.

Patriotism is a useful hived-mind weapon for it covers several bases at once. It is designed to evoke an overwhelming feeling of national pride as it serves to emotionally trigger an entire country’s mass consciousness into believing that all of its citizens are on the side of justice and thereby on the winning team, a winning team worth defending at any cost. The feelings invoked by a united sense of patriotism can become so powerful that a loyal citizenry wouldn’t hesitate to heed the call to stand and defend whatever civil liberties they perceive as threatened without ever questioning the motives behind those giving the orders.

Once a nation has been fully armed in patriotism, the MC expect Their trained baby elephants to loyally encourage future generations in the respected tradition of fighting and dying for the national team. With the voluntary infantry enlistments come the blood offerings of countless patriotic servicemen and servicewomen who have been and are being ritualistically sacrificed as cannon fodder in the proxy power struggles of Their twisted domination game.

For a dated glimpse into the MC mindset, check out the document titled Silent Weapons for Quiet Wars.

Oh, and following the money on this one will see you hit pay dirt. Military Industrial Complex, Veteran’s Administration, Tri-Lateral Commission, 1871 Albert Pike, super PACs, lobbyists, shadow governments, super space program, smuggling black market guns and drugs, proxy wars, mercenary armies, etc.

3.       RACE-COLOR-GENDER

We were told we were inferior and we believed it.

In believing the lie, we lorded over others in order to feel superior.

Divide and conquer at its very best and an insult to us all. What would our communities be like if we weren’t being purposefully brainwashed day and night with targeted propaganda devised to convince us that our physical differences - something we are born with and have little control over for crying out loud - are worth killing for? hurting for? suffering for? dying for? Why? I have often wondered, would we really notice or even care if those around us were different so long as they were good at heart and kind to us? In my experience, humanity’s true nature really does feel the call to reciprocate genuine kindness when received, and it’s contagious.

We are all human, and we humans have a common history whether we know it yet or not. We are all powerful if we want to be. We all matter. Period.

Oh, and don’t forget to follow the money. Equal rights and affirmative action groups, the truth behind the feminist movement, NAACP, human rights activist groups, trade unions, etc.

4.       EDUCATIONAL SYSTEM

We were told we were not smart enough to know the truth and we believed it.

In believing the lie, we ensured that we would always be lied to.

I have long been devoted to a life of learning. For me, our very self-empowerment is predicated upon it. The observations in this section are not intended in any way to minimize the value or virtues of a good and factual education. But like many parents with children in the school system have already figured out, the curriculum we are forced to reckon with today is not designed to give our future generations a good and factual education.

It appears that what passes for a classroom these days is more like a government sponsored programming center for indoctrinating “good workers” who will hustle for those “good jobs” everyone is always talking about yet there are never enough of. And BTW, whatever happened to encouraging useful skills like critical thinking, problem solving and a lot of imagination?

The children of the new millennium are different souls with different needs and the establishment isn’t even trying to keep up with them, their compulsory attendance notwithstanding. Anymore it seems that grade school is where creativity and constructive thinking go to die, and where our children by the millions must be medicated with mind altering drugs in order to suppress their magic and dumb the rest down.

There are so many emotionally charged objectives wrapped up in the ideals of a good education that it falls upon us all to learn more about what is directing the current system and what needs to be changed. Check into 1992 United Nations Agenda 21 and its 2015 update Agenda 2030 for further insight.

Oh, and don’t forget to follow the money trail here because this is a big one. How about the student loan scam for starters? The MC bank gets to finance the MC educational program required to get the “good job” with an MC company. It’s time we start asking better questions such as who’s making all the rules in this equation? He who makes the rules controls the game and the money. Maybe we need to learn how to do real math.

Other money trails worth investigating are usual suspects such as charters, grants, donations, that namesake science lab or campus library, Yale Skull and Bones, and then see if you can answer this: what does the best education your money can buy really get you?

5.       FINANCIAL STATUS-CLASS SYSTEM

We were told there will never be enough and we believed it.

In believing the lie, we accepted Their rations as They purloined our wealth.

The powerful spell of money has been considered by many to be the repertory fail-safe of the MC control system. It’s hard to argue with this sentiment when considering that absolutely nothing in our world has been unaffected by the irrational seduction of the grandest illusion of them all.

Dividing people into income brackets has served to segregate us into competitive groups based upon a standardized perception of worth. Yet who sets the standards for determining our worth? The IRS? Which BTW is a terroristic tax collecting private corporation not even under government control. We have all been conditioned to be so afraid of the IRS that no one ever thinks to ask the important questions like who is really running the IRS? And where do our tax dollars really go?

One of the things we have never been told is how the projected production value of each newborn life is appraised, bundled and pledged as collateral against our nation’s misappropriated debt. All it takes is a certificate of live birth and the assignment of a tax ID number and voila! They calculate what They believe to be the consummate worth of your entire life and proceed to pledge your life’s full asset value against Their investment activities as if your life were Theirs to pledge.

It’s a made up debt that can never be paid. Am I missing something or where in this set up do we the people see any true benefit? Not only are we conceived in debt, we are born into a debt that can never be paid. Sounds like indentured servitude to me, except it’s really more like a sinister form of enslavement. To keep the whole scheme going is merely to convince the uninitiated in the illusion of free market enterprise and the virtues of capitalism I guess.

Yet we all must have it, as much of it as we can get cuz that old saying is right. Money is what makes the world go ‘round. We need it to survive. We need it to eat, to sleep, to stay warm, to work, to live and we even need it to die because it was determined long before we were born that we must pay to play Their money game if we want to live and die on the planet of our birth. And the size of our balance sheet will forever be the gauge of our social value and our perceived place within established society.

We may not believe we have the power between us to bring down the malevolent monetary system as it stands, but that doesn’t mean we don’t have the power to break the spell that binds each of us to the money matrix. In breaking the spell, we can begin to neutralize the multitude of emotional triggers and responses we’ve been vigorously programmed with and begin using money as a tool instead of a weapon.

There is so much research to be done on this topic that it would be impossible for me to cover it all, and frankly, I have no intention of it. We all need to find our own truth and that means doing your own research. I will conclude with a few quotes by several familiar MC front men on this hot button subject:

“Money is a new form of slavery, and distinguishable from the old simply by the fact that it is impersonal – that there is no human relation between master and slave.” Leo Tolstoy, Russian writer.

“It is well enough that people of the nation do not understand our banking and money system, for if they did, I believe there would be a revolution before tomorrow morning.” Henry Ford, founder of the Ford Motor Company.

“Let me issue and control a nation’s money and I care not who writes the laws.” Mayer Amschel Rothschild (1744-1812), founder of the House of Rothschild and controllers of most of the world’s central banks.

Oh, and don’t forget to follow your fiat money straight to your bankrupt central bank for the gold They said was in Fort Knox vanished long ago.

I consider the list above to be merely a snapshot of some of the more obvious or notable social enslavement strategies. This list is clearly not thorough, let alone complete. It is only a beginning, to be used as an alternative perception tool for seeing our established social structures through fresh eyes. Hopefully its inclusion here will encourage further research in those who care to know more on these and other related topics such as the Entertainment industry, the Medical Mafia, the stranglehold on Science.

Knowledge empowers.

© by DK King

#Guardians