#Also I am just realizing that I also might have Adhd because of this post...

[canimeltintotheflooryet]

Why do I feel like Sherlock has Adhd(Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder) ?

most people with ADHD feel like their mind is filled with too many things/they focus too much on something (which is quite opposite to what it means) but it fits Sherlock so well!

he can forget about so many other things that he simply doesn't care for, but as soon as he gets interested in something then it's his main focus and he can't stop till he figures it out.

He also can't stay in one place for too long and when he doesn't want to do something it just feels so dull for him

Cocaine is often used by people with ADHD to self medicate without them knowing it, and who uses drugs, such as Cocaine?

Sherlock Holmes!

[deoidesign]

.

[apathetic-revenant]

uh...hi?

[head pokes around corner]

so...

I've been back to scrolling around on tumblr for a bit now, and have been really wanting to get back to actually, y'know. being here. posting. not just sort of hanging here invisibly like a mournful ghost, observing but never interacting. that sort of thing. (revenants, after all, are supposed to be corporeal undead.)

but I really wanted to explain why I just kind of abruptly vanished in the first place. no one demanded this of me, but it felt like something I had to do. and then, in the typical way of self-imposed obstacles, it became a massive stumbling block. partly because of the nerves and emotions attached to it, sure, but mostly, tbh, because it was a Task. I recently (about 3 weeks ago now?) started seeing a new psychiatrist and got an adjustment to my ADHD meds which basically made my brain boot up again for the first time in way too long. this is great! but it means I am having to kind of slowly rehab my brain into getting used to doing Literally Anything again, one small step at a time. I am not being hyperbolic when I say I had to gradually build up my executive functioning for a while just to be able to write a tumblr post.

but fuck it! I really wanted to just do this already. so, while I'm sure I'll talk about all this in more detail later, for right now I'm gonna strip this down to the bare essentials just so I can get it done at all.

here's what happened:

in 2020 I had a sudden onset of extremely severe OCD.

no, not about the pandemic, actually. yeah I was anxious about the pandemic but it was a pretty normal level of anxiety for a global pandemic, honestly. my OCD took the form of scrupulosity--essentially, an obsessive worry about being a bad person.

tumblr is....not a GREAT place to be if you have a sudden obsessive fear of being a bad person.

now, to be clear: tumblr did not CAUSE my OCD, and leaving tumblr did not cure it. that's just not how OCD works. later on, I learned that atypical antipsychotics--one of which I had been prescribed around that time, for depression--have been known to cause OCD. is there any way to prove that that's what happened? probably not, at this point! so I've just been kind of sitting with that terrible knowledge for a while.

anyway. I would've had OCD anyway, but reading a regular stream of posts going "hey, here's a really terrible thing you might be doing! you might even be doing it without knowing it! you need to think really hard and be constantly vigilant all the time for any sign that you might be doing this thing!" was basically pouring gasoline on the fire.

I never made an active decision to leave tumblr--if I had I would've said something first. I just kind of thought "god, I can't do this right now" one day and didn't open the app, which turned into days and then weeks and then months, and still things weren't getting better.

it's hard to express exactly how harrowing that whole experience was. actually I just started thinking about it and realized I would never finish this post tonight if I tried to get into it just now. so I won't. let's just say: It Was Bad.

but, by an astronomical stroke of luck, I ended up getting referred to not just an OCD therapist, not just the only OCD therapist in the state who took Medicaid, but the only OCD therapist in the state who took Medicaid and also she was really good at her job. I genuinely think that woman saved my life.

OCD therapy is one of those "the only way out is through" kind of things. it's brutal and also quite surreal, but it has a high success rate and is very effective. OCD is not a thing that you can cure, per se, but it went from completely dominating every waking moment of my life to being something that I occasionally have to yell at in much the same way as when the cat starts knocking things off my desk at 3 in the morning.

but, the thing was, it took a year-and-a-bit before my therapist and I agreed that I had probably "graduated" as she put it. so, by the time I felt able to go back on tumblr without my brain catching on fire again, it had been so long that I didn't know how to do it. I felt like I'd pulled a major dick move by just dropping off without saying anything. I still thought about it (usually late at night, at Time To Think About Every Regret I've Ever Had O'Clock) but my brain very easily goes to a place of "well, no one would really notice or care that I was gone, and if they did they'd be mad at me for having left."

well. earlier this year I started on the road to getting past that idea. shoutout to @fordtato for helping with that, btw.

but it took me a while to work up the courage and then, as previously mentioned, even longer to work up the neurotransmitters.

I think I gotta wrap this up for now cause I don't have much concentration juice left. but, for what it's worth: I had a lot of emotions, coming back and seeing the names of people I used to talk to all the time. I don't know how you feel about me anymore, but I really missed yall. I would like to talk to you again.

[helenstudies]

These are my language learning timelines and how long I've studied to get to that level!

English: fluent C2 > about thirteen years. I started learning when I was 5 (in kindergarten). I got to this level by age 18, when I started working as a professional English - Burmese translator.

Korean: fluent TOPIK 6 level > eight years. I taught myself how to read hangeul at age 15 and achieved TOPIK level 6 in 23. It should be noted that I attended a language program in Korea for nine months to accelerate the process. I started from level 1 and ended in 4/5 in nine months.

Chinese: advanced HSK6 level > eleven years. I started learning chinese when I was 13 and now I'm 24. And no, my chinese ancestry didn't help because no one in my family speaks Chinese.

Japanese: Intermediate JLPT N3 level > nine years. Like Korean, I taught myself how to read hiragana and katakana at age 15 but I prioritized Chinese and Korean. It should be noted that I really struggled with Japanese and had to attend basic classes three times to get to an N5 level. And then twice more to get to N4.

I think this is important for all langblrs to realize! I am not "gifted" at all. I just started studying a bit earlier than y'all because I knew my life long interests are in language, literature and translation. I learned all these so that I could read books in their original language.

It should be noted that in Myanmar, I graduated high school at age 16/17. Since then, I've been attending a distance education university (before I dropped out in 2021 of course) and I've been working freelance or part time jobs. So this is an actual realistic timeline as an adult who also has a life outside of studying.

If you work full time, study full time or have responsibilities in your life that you have to prioritize, you might need to take a few years longer than me. You might even need to retake classes and fail a few tests. And it's okay.

I can't emphasize this enough so I will do this again and again: not being able to quickly learn language is not a failure on your part. Don't fall into ageist traps because you really do retain your brain functions well into your years. You can keep learning and keep improving as an adult. Look up neuroplasticity and stop listening to "polyglot" influencers.

Another thing I want to mention is in my last post, I wrote that language learning takes years and you'll just have to make these years bearable and I mean it. Just sitting down and studying for hours is annoying to me. So, I personally make it bearable by reading stories and translating songs or poems because that's what my brain likes. I like writing chinese characters but it's boring to just sit down and write them. So I write them while watching tv because I have adhd and I need to fidget anyway. My goal is to read books in their original languages so I read, read and read. You have to figure out why you want to learn these languages and see how you can make it bearable.

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

Aita for venting?

Emojis, so I can find it later 💯⁉️💥 (unrelated, I just use them a lot)

So I(16) have been struggling with depression since I was, like, 10. It's been worse and better over the years, but something that really triggers it is extreme weather. Dunno why, but if its hot as fuck outside I *will* be considering suicide.

I regularly go to sleepaway camp every year. I usually do two weeks and usually go during the summer rainy season. Well, a year or two back (can't remember, got that depression and ADHD memory loss) I went later on in the summer than I usually do, and it was really fucking hot out. The whole time.

I could deal with it for a couple of days, especially because I was having a bit of romantic tension with J(16) (not real name, not even real initial). "I can survive any situation as long as I have a crush on someone there", or whatever that post said. He was really sweet and also suffered from depression. We talked about our struggles together, and he seemed to be responsive and chill about it. He did have trauma from his past with loved ones committing suicide, but he seemed to have worked through his grief and didn't have negative reactions when it was mentioned.

Here's where I might be the asshole. Eventually, the heat got to be too much for me, not to get too graphic but I was making plans, so I sent my parents a letter asking to pick me up. I waited a couple days for them to recieve it, and they did and called and said they would pick me up in the morning.

I delivered the news to everyone by being quite vague about what I had to go home for. When pressed, I said my parents didn't give any details and I was a little worried. That explained my acting weird away to everyone, but not J. He didn't believe me for one minute, and was determined to get to the bottom of it.

He took me outside, asked me what was wrong, and told me it was ok to tell him. It took a little convincing, but I eventually broke down and told him I was having suicidal ideation and that I needed to get the fuck out of dodge or I might do something drastic. I specified that I would be completely fine once I got out of the oppressive heat and humidity, just that I had to go home ASAP. I did ask him not to tell anyone because I didn't want them to worry, which I realize now was unkind. I should have at least told a counselor so that he wasn't alone.

Anyway, he immediately started having full-fledged PTSD flashbacks. I couldn't tell at first, but then I realized what was going on and tried to comfort him. It didn't work. The counselor that came check on us just kicked me out. I went back inside feeling guilty, but I was hoping that I reassured him enough that he would be ok.

He acted normal for the rest of the time I was there (we even kissed! That was my first kiss) and made me promise to text him when I got home. Naturally, I did, reassuring him and telling him I was feeling infinitely better now that I had air conditioning and my phone. When he got home from camp a week later, he seemed a little freaked out but seemed to be mollified by my texts.

However, a couple days after that, he texted me out of nowhere, saying that I shouldn't have told him about what I was going home about because I gave him constant PTSD flashbacks for the rest of camp. He felt sick with worry the whole time. I felt like shit, obviously, so I responded with profuse apologies. He seemed to accept them but still feel a little resentful.

I still feel really fucking bad about it. I actually haven't told anyone I know IRL about. Well. Pretty much anything bothering me since. I know that's a bit of an overreaction, but I don't want to do that to anyone else.

So, am I the asshole?

(By the way, if you were there or know me, I would love it if you could just ignore this. Please and thank you. And also never make me know you read this cause that would be embarrassing as fuck lol)

[bloodyshadow1]

I'm begging people again to accept a little nuance in the media they consume. It's possible for both Kristen and Tracker to be in the wrong in their relationship. I think they both were being dumb bitches, but who wasn't towards a person they broke up with after a long relationship at that age.

While I'm slightly more on Tracker's side because she was right and Kristen needed to hear those things, it doesn't change why Tracker said them. She knew she was being harsh, she knew that as right as she was she could have been easier on Kristen, but due to the headspace Kristen she couldn't give Tracker the conversation Tracker wanted. It pissed Tracker off enough to stop being nice and as right as she was, part of her wanted it to hurt Kristen.

As for Kristen, it sucks that she's having the worst day of her life, it sucks that she has a lot of pressure on her that isn't fair. It's also extremely messed up that Tracker is asking her if it's okay to post about her being official about another girl on so many levels. But again, what Tracker said to her about her relationship with Divinity and faith wasn't wrong.

It also should be said that Tracker wanted to talk to her a week ago. It was when they just got back from sealing the Night Yorb, so Kristen wasn't in a good place to talk to her about their broken relationship fine, but she had 5 other days to and decided to put it off. Putting things off is literally a weakness for Kristen and it's fucked her in sophomore year and it's fucking her this year. If she had this conversation with Tracker earlier in the week, she might have been in a better mind set than having it right after losing her goddess again. Hell, it might have actually saved Cassandra from falling as Kristen could have decided to buckle down and actually do something for her goddess that didn't piss her off and make her lose hope. There are consequences for your actions.

I am neurodivergent and have ADHD too, I get what Kristen is doing, she wants to ignore problems until they go away. Part of growing up with ADHD is realizing that a lot of stuff doesn't go away, it gets worse, even stuff that could have been easy to deal with at the start. It's literally what her story arc has culminated around these 6 episodes and it will go places.

Things not being simple are what leads to great stories. Understanding nuances in media help you learn how to appreciate stories for what they are. So I am begging fans of Fantasy High realize this because this is literally a dnd setting that takes place in a fantasy high school, there are going to be complicated matters, it doesn't do anything to try and simplify them into things they're not

[do-you-know-this-adhd-character]

SUBMIT THROUGH THE FORM IN THIS POST, NOT MY ASKBOX, FOR YOUR BLORBO'S SAKE. I WILL LOSE SUBMISSIONS IF THEY AREN'T ALL IN ONE PLACE!

Hi! I've never run a poll blog before, but I like the "do you know this character" type blogs and I searched and didn't find one for ADHD characters so I decided I'd make one!

Submission Guidelines

Both canon and non-canon ADHD characters are allowed, but YOU MUST PROVIDE EVIDENCE FOR NON-CANON ADHD CHARACTERS! I completely understand just looking at a character and going "oh they have the Vibes" but it's not enough to be posted on this blog. Even just "they exhibit a lot of impulsiveness and distractability" is enough for me to go on - just give me SOMETHING to work with. However I reserve the right to not post a character if I don't think the evidence is compelling enough, i.e., if you don't list any traits that are specific to ADHD.

You may not submit real people, only fictional characters. I find it disrespectful and uncomfortable to speculate on the mental health of real people, and will not be posting those for my own comfort, even if those people will likely never see it. Also, the point of this is characters, not real people, so even people who have said they're ADHD won't be posted.

YOU MUST SUBMIT THROUGH THE FORM, NOT MY ASKBOX. I am, of course, ADHD myself, and I need all the submissions in one place or I'll lose them.

Got it? Here's the link to the form.

About the Mod/Blog

You can call me Mudkip if you'd like, or my name, Réka. She/her only please, do not use any other pronouns for me including they/them. I am an adult. I was diagnosed with ADHD at a very young age and have it bad enough that I consider myself disabled. So ADHD rep is very important to me! And I'd like to both learn about ADHD rep I might not have heard of, and spread awareness of what ADHD people are like through the characters that people might not even realize are like us.

My icon is the character 707/Seven from Mystic Messenger, I chose him because although it's a bit hidden he is canonically ADHD! There's a call where he talks about how he talks to himself, and if you say "I heard people with adhd talk to themselves a lot..." he agrees with you, as well as displaying other ADHD traits through the whole game.

...is this entire blog partially part of my agenda to spread the word of canon ADHD Seven? Maybe.

Header is Zack Fair from Final Fantasy VII; he's not canonically ADHD but there's strong evidence for it and I couldn't resist using the "Me? Gongaga." meme.

I often can't resist making non-poll posts on this blog, although I swear I try. If you're just here for the polls you might want to filter the tag "not a poll"!

My main is @hungarianmudkip69 .

Tagging System, for your searching or filtering convenience

#poll - the polls. this only includes "do you know this character" polls, not any other polls I might do.

#not a poll - anything that doesn't get the above tag. Including other types of polls. You know what I mean.

#canon adhd character - polls for characters that are canonically ADHD.

#noncanon adhd character - polls for characters that aren't canonically ADHD, but have solid evidence behind the headcanon.

#poll results - a reblog of an ended poll with calculations of how many people know the character and what percentage of those people know/see the character as ADHD.

#poll reblog - any reblog of a poll that isn't poll results.

#other polls - polls from other blogs.

#blog management - anything about the running of the blog.

#ask - asks. I don't know what else to tell you.

#approval inquiry - asks asking if a character has been approved for posting.

#submission inquiry - asks asking if a character has been submitted.

this was part of the original pinned and I always like seeing this part of poll blog pinneds so I'm leaving it

I'm supposed to tag other polls for visibility, right? This was largely inspired by @who-do-i-know-this-man and @doyouknowthisdisabledcharacter as well as @do-you-know-this-queer-character !

If you want to know if someone's been posted, check below:

Polls in progress:

707/Saeyoung Choi from Mystic Messenger (canon)

Kyle Klimson from The InBESTigators (noncanon)

SpongeBob SquarePants from SpongeBob SquarePants (noncanon)

Sherlock Holmes from the original Sherlock Holmes stories (noncanon)

Evan "Buck" Buckley, from 9-1-1 (canon)

Meg Murry, from A Wrinkle in Time (noncanon)

Bokuto Koutarou, from Haikyuu!! (noncanon)

Finished polls (under the cut):

Quicksilver/Pietro Maximoff from the X-Men movies (noncanon)

Rumpleteazer from Cats the Musical (noncanon)

Bobby Drake/Iceman from DC Comics (noncanon)

Karlach Cliffgate from Baldur's Gate 3 (noncanon)

Evelyn Wang from Everything Everywhere All at Once (canon)

Osana Najimi from Komi Can't Communicate (noncanon)

Barbara Gordon/Batgirl/Oracle from DC Comics (noncanon)

Sora from Kingdom Hearts (noncanon)

Dr. Coomer from Half Life VR but the AI is Self Aware/HLVRAI (noncanon)

Johnny Gat from Saints Row (noncanon)

Bart Allen/Impulse from DC Comics (noncanon)

Michael Tate from Greater Boston (canon)

Uraraka Ochako from My Hero Academia (noncanon)

Etcetera from Cats the Musical (noncanon)

Richie Tozier from IT (noncanon)

Gary Smith from Bully/Canis Canem Edit (canon)

Leslie Knope from Parks and Recreation (noncanon)

Leonardo from Rise of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (noncanon)

Mungojerrie from Cats the Musical (noncanon)

Achilles from the Iliad (noncanon)

Tajima Yuuichirou from Ookiku Furikabutte/Oofuri/Big Windup (noncanon)

Benrey from Half Life VR but the AI is Self Aware/HLVRAI (noncanon)

Crowven Corvuson from Cemetery Mary (canon)

Martlet from Undertale Yellow (noncanon)

Zell Dincht from Final Fantasy 8 (noncanon)

Skimbleshanks from Cats the Musical (noncanon)

Goku from Dragonball (noncanon)

Yuma Tsukumo from Yu-Gi-Oh Zexal (noncanon)

Moritz Stiefel from Spring Awakening (noncanon)

Sydney 'Syd' Novak from I Am Not Okay With This (noncanon)

Yuki Takeya from Gakkou Gurashi/School-Live! (noncanon)

Annabeth Chase from the Percy Jackson series (canon)

Maria von Trapp from The Sound of Music (noncanon)

Lift from The Stormlight Archive (noncanon)

Tim Drake from DC Comics (noncanon)

Monkey D. Luffy from One Piece (noncanon)

Apollo Justice from the Ace Attorney games (noncanon)

Stella from Winx Club (noncanon)

Roy Harper from DC Comics (canon)

Michelangelo from Rise of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (canon)

Tony Stark from the Marvel Cinematic Universe (noncanon)

Aiden Clark from School Bus Graveyard (canon)

Serpaz Helilo from Vast Error (canon)

The Doctor from Doctor Who (noncanon)

Ronan Lynch from The Raven Cycle (noncanon)

Leo Valdez from the Percy Jackson books (canon)

Moth Flight from Warrior Cats (canon)

Ramona Quimby from the Ramona books (noncanon)

Joey Pigza from the Joey Pigza books (canon)

Anne Shirley from Anne of Green Gables (noncanon)

Spinner Mason from Degrassi: The Next Generation (canon)

Lupin III from Lupin the Third (noncanon)

Rainbow Dash from My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic (noncanon)

George Beard and Harold Hutchins from Captain Underpants (canon)

Alex Woodroe from All the Feels (canon)

Agent Curt Mega from Spies are Forever (noncanon)

TG from Castle of Nations (canon)

Shawn Spencer from Psych (canon)

Sydney Scoville Jr. from Grrl Power (canon)

Marinette Dupain-Cheng from Miraculous Ladybug (noncanon)

Zagreus from Hades (noncanon)

Sherlock Holmes from Sherlock & Co. (canon)

Ash Ketchum from Pokémon (noncanon)

Misfire from Transformers (canon)

Herlock Sholmes from The Great Ace Attorney Chronicles (noncanon)

Christine Canigula from Be More Chill (canon)

Aubrey Little from The Adventure Zone: Amnesty (canon)

Lt. Columbo from Columbo (noncanon)

Billie from Billie Bust Up (canon)

Wei Wuxian from Mo Dao Zu Shi (noncanon)

Jimmy Casket from VenturianTale (noncanon)

Sara Eriksson from Young Royals (canon)

Magnus Burnsides from The Adventure Zone: Balance (noncanon)

Scout from Team Fortress 2 (noncanon)

Luz Noceda from The Owl House (canon)

Zack Fair from Final Fantasy VII (noncanon)

Percy Jackson from Percy Jackson and the Olympians (canon)

April Polls' Day posts, for posterity - ran polls on non-ADHD characters:

Twilight Sparkle from My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic

Zenos yae Galvus from Final Fantasy XIV

P.I.X.A.L. from Lego Ninjago

Brutus the Ducky from Real Life and also Rubber Ducky Hell (our only canonically non-ADHD poll subject)

Sophia from Stranger of Paradise: Final Fantasy Origin (please play it)

[thurio-edau]

SBG GANG MENTAL ANALYSIS

first of all, I should explain what I am going to do. starting with Ashlyn, I'll analyze and/or theorize the group. because there is a lot of depth to all their characters and I've really been wanting to do this for some time. it will be a total of 5 posts instead of 6, because I will be analyzing Tyler and Taylor together due to obvious reasons. I will also cut them at the beginning because they might be long and also there will be triggers.

Part 1: Ashlyn Banner

I'm starting with Ashlyn right here as the protagonist and the leader of the series. Ashlyn's probably won't be very long since this is not a character analysis and instead, a mental characteristic analysis. even though her character is written so well that doesn't mean she has to be mentally sick, since she seems to be... well the most stable one -until the recent chapters-

what I'll be starting off with, will be autism. even though it's not confirmed fully in canon, Red herself said that she wrote Ashlyn with autism in mind so in this analysis I'll mostly go through with the symptoms she shows and how it explains her character.

her most obvious and constantly repeated symptom is her sensory issues. she is able to hear phantom noises and other things no one can hear due to her hypersensitive hearing.

from the beginning of the series, she has been repeatedly struggling with loud noises even though she wore earplugs or noise-cancellation headphones. Ashlyn herself said that she didn't want to make friends growing up, one of the reasons being her sensitive hearing allowing her to hear everything. you'd also probably be wary of things like it if you had her hearing; any gossip, talking behind backs, rumours etc. would not be pleasant to hear and you'd be aware of everyone's true side.

the group understands her problems with her hearing being too strong, and looks after her whenever there's anything loud. which was first seen at the arcade if I'm correct, Taylor asked her if she'd be alright and Aiden got punched in the face while he was worried about her.

or the time Taylor and Logan were shooting at the centipede phantom, due to the bullets making extremely loud sounds for her. or in the facility, when Logan told her to cover her ears to take down a phantom.

from the moment she was born, she had always been sensitive to any loud sounds. reminding here that autism is a neurodivergency, which means someone's brain is diverse than most other who we call neurotypicals. autism, ADHD, bipolar etc. are neurodivergencies that cannot be obtained later in life, and has always been at the person's brain.

I see myself in her frequently, I also wear earplugs constantly and my friends are aware of the sensory issues I have. her reactions to said sensory issues are written really realistic and correctly.

next, boundaries and distancing.

once again, since the beginning, Ashlyn has been distancing herself from everyone around her. this part will mostly include Aiden due to him not understanding boundaries and having passed Ashlyn's lots of times.

autistic people tend to avoid eye contact, physical touch -if the person is not very close to them- and also usually not very expressive. for the love of god, the first time we see her geniunely smile is halfway through the series, when they get the car keys. the group's reaction to her smile is hilarious, even.

after the events of that night, Aiden is trying to understand her boundaries. he's an affectionate/caring person inside, and wants to hug her but keeps it low by just holding her head.

here we learn he did, indeed, hug her when he kept her from falling and Ashlyn even allowed it when she realized how scared he was for her.

despite keeping her boundaries always high, she let it happen this time, learning how to open up to people. before this night she was always on guard

by time she starts to see them as her actual friends, like the found family they are. autistic people are similar to cats actually, like those stray cats that will claw you instantly if you look at their eyes for long or make sudden moves to pet them. the cat sniffs your hand first, you feed it for some time, then a slight touch. the cat gets used to you after your own efforts to get close to it. Ashlyn is a similar case, she had to almost die to get used to them and accept them.

next, special interests. this part is a bit short but I feel as if it still counts to be honest.

ever since her childhood, she's been very interested in dancing. losing track of time as she does, not being interested in any other things if it wasn't related to ballet, making it a very important part of herself. her love for dance/ballet made her not take any interest in anything else like her self-defense classes her parents tried to give, and they were really surprised once she asked them to do it this time.

like cmon she has a literal dance mat on her room

which basically wraps the main symptoms! I can't really think of any detail symptoms for now because it's midnight here but I'm thinking of updating them each time I get more ideas. for the next part, mental disorders.

personally, I must say that I don't think she suffers from any mental disorders or illnesses. she's not depressive, just closed off. you might ask anxiety but she herself had said she isn't shy or nervous, she herself just doesn't like to talk a lot which is fully valid. Ashlyn hasn't showed any problems in talking in front of audiences, she isn't paranoid -her hypersensitive hearing doesn't count since it's not paranoia; she knows what's in there because she hears- and seems to be mentally more stable than the rest of the group. I also don't think she has anger issues the way Ben and Tyler do, it's just that everything got on her nerves quickly before she got used to the team.

she doesn't mind being the leader of the group and definitely isn't scared, as seen as how she went up against Tyler when they first were in the phantom dimension.

Ashlyn is basically the autistic girl who doesn't like talking much and has high boundaries, but once she warms up to her friends she's willing to do anything for them as seen as the recent episodes in the facility. I'm almost fully sure that she is autistic, considering the signs she shows.

sorry if this was a bit boring! the next ones will definitely be more interesting because the rest of the characters have interesting backstories and oh boy some disorders, I just wanted to start with Ashlyn to see if I could do this the way it was in my mind. I'm sure the rest can be pretty good!

I'd like it if anyone else mentioned more stuff. next up will be Aiden, who has a plethora of characteristics and it's definitely going to be really interesting. thank you for reading so far but I won't be writing Aiden's now because hhhhhh i need some sleep

[sophieinwonderland]

Preface: People are going to assume this is a response to recent drama. So I want to say that I started writing this draft before that one blog's response to me. It was shortly after midnight on the 8th when it was just barely what I consider my Birthday. I was reflecting on my 3 years of existence and where I am now. The fact that I got the response I did later that same day is a total coincidence.

I don't feel like I have friends anymore...

That's an awful thing to admit.

I have one other system I feel like I talk to with any sort of regularity, who I love and consider friends. But they're not involved with syscourse which is so often where my mind goes. And so I don't talk to them about it because I don't want to trouble them, which means I don't talk to them because I can't think of what to talk about.

What else do I care about?

I mean, there are other things I care about, but they probably wouldn't care about those things. And I struggle to find something to say. Something that feels worthy of their time. But again, not syscourse or something that would bring them down.

I've had other friends. But they've faded away with time. One by one.

And a lot of that is my fault. I'm not good at being a friend or knowing what to say. And I'm not very good at opening myself up.

And when I can't think of what to say, I choose to say nothing. I ghost people I like because it's hard to maintain those relationships.

And I'm aware on some level that this hurts people. I wouldn't want to be friends with someone who treated others the way I do.

And there will be times when I'll decide to do better. I will, with full confidence, say that I'm going to change. I'll be a better friend. A better person. I'll fully believe this is something I'll succeed at for the rest of the day. Then the next day comes and that conviction melts away.

I think one reason Jaiden's story of having ADHD appeals to me is that if this was the problem with us, maybe, we could identify it and then just take one little pill and it will fix me.

That's a nice fantasy, isn't it?

A naive fantasy that ignores the fact that I'm in the brain of someone who was homeschooled and barely had any friends as a child either. But it's a nice fantasy to hold onto anyway.

So, yeah. I don't feel like I have friends, for the most part, outside our system. I have a blog. I have followers. I have plenty of mutuals I like interacting with.

But there aren't people who I truly trust to let in. It doesn't feel like anyone actually knows me or who I am anymore, if anyone ever did.

Since I haven't posted on it for a week and don't know when I'll post on it again or if I will, here's a confession: I made @anti-lies! Sorry to ruin the mystery for anything speculating! Though I didn't think I was even that subtle about it.

But the only person I know who guessed it was me was SAS! Which, congratulations! But also, that's kind of a sad thought that the person who might know me better than anyone is someone who was my archnemesis for the past two-and-a-half years.

To be fair, SAS did imply that other people might have guessed it. But if so, whatever circles those conversations are happening in aren't ones I'm in.

Oh wait, I'm not really in any circles am I?

I'm on the outskirts of the community. I mean, that's sort of by choice really.

Public posts can bring more awareness of plurality and tulpamancy. Locking myself in Discord servers or some isolated community makes me feel like I'm wasting my time because I need to be talking about it publicly where the world can see. I really, really don't want to be part of a Discord server. It's my choice to stay out of those spaces and I don't regret that decision.

But sometimes it's weird when I realize that most everyone else is. That they're actually in plural communities in a way I'm not.

I wonder, do people even realize I'm an outsider? Again, by choice. I've been invited to servers and chose not to go. I'm not being ostracized or anything. I've turned down attempts at bringing me further in. No one is to blame but myself. But either way, the result is that I don't feel like I'm really part of the communities I spend so much time advocating for.

[meraki-yao]

RWRB Movie: A fucking List of Potential Extra Stuff  

I can only pray and hope that Amazon, Matthew, the boys, Casey and whoever needs to be involved do more with the movie after the strike is over, but here’s a list of stuff related to the movie that I want  

All the Deleted Scenes: Extended Polo Scene, Extended Paris Café Scene, Extended Paris Love-making Scene, Morning in Paris Scene (I swear I have been feral over it since the bloopers were released), Extended Texas Holiday Montage (I’m not sure about this one but basically the scene in the bloopers where they shove each other), Texas Campfire Scene (That really doesn’t look like it’s just meant to be a montage, it looks like a legit scene), Extended Texas Scene after Lake scene (I’m also not sure about this one because I’ve only seen one person say this exists), Kensington Breakfast Scene, Brownstone thanksgiving scene, Whatever the scenes from Philip, Pez and Zahra’s credits were from, and probably a couple others that we don't even know exist

More Bloopers (there’s gotta be more right? I literally don’t care if it’s like twenty seconds longer GIMME GIMME GIMME)

What was shot before re-shoots (like the piano scene, I’m curious what was shot before and why didn’t it work)

B Roll Footage

Full Footage of certain scenes (ex: The entirety of Henry/Nick singing don’t stop me now)

Audio Commentary: Matthew’s director's commentary, Nick and Taylor’s actor's commentary, Henry and Alex’s in-character commentary  

A DVD with all of the above

Full Cast Audiobook

More Interviews and Magazine shoots with the boys together

(Kinda far-fetched but) A Musical Adaptation

A miniseries of post canon Firstprince living their lives (that’s what I want for a sequel, not a plot, just the visual media equivalent of domestic one-shots): Living together, More about Henry’s grief and depression, I can’t tell if Movie Alex has ADHD but maybe more on that, Maybe Princess Catherine coming back and reconciling with Henry (currently writing a fic on it), Maybe? The King reconciling with Henry (wrote a meta on it), Proposal (Casey’s freaking thread reply drove me insane), Marriage, Kids, So like, snippets of the next five years of their lives

(also unpopular opinion but… personally I don’t want Henry to abdicate? It’s an issue I had with the bonus chapter but one of Casey’s IG story wrote about why they wrote it like that, and I realized it might have something to do with me being kind of young and the ideologies that comes with that immaturity. I kinda thought Henry could take a step back without stepping down, like irl Princesses Eugenie and Beatrice who had their own normal jobs and have more of a say in what events to show up to. Idk. I’m a “fix this system” rather than “fuck the system” person, and I think there’s just power in having a gay prince who can keep both his title and his love.）

Yeah I might be delusional but I am also willing to spend money on all of these things so Amazon it’s up to you

[starlightswordfight]

rescue corps headcanons because I'm insane

(there are many)

– mirror pronouns pom

– that's all I got

– man!!

– Bernard started TALKING in this specific MANNER for the BIT years and years back and now he can't STOP he is STUCK someone HELP him

– he ALSO might be doing it to try to put EMPHASIS on the words he believes should have it and sometimes HE DOES not succeed

– he reads as ADHD coded to me but it might be because I also talk like that so take that with a grain of salt

– "HEY GIRL. I MEAN ANY PRONOUNS"

– Bernard had the most normal home life by far. No contest, won by default. I have a GREAT relationship with both of MY parents because they LOVE me

– he is incredibly observant. alarmingly so. will sometimes act out of the loop on purpose, if he thinks things would just be easier that way. accidentally learns everything about everyone, the guy's an information magnet and he doesn't know how to feel about that

– do you guys think Russ has made a spacesuit with the doc ock arms because I think he has and that he actively uses it on missions

– occasionally jumpscares people and giggles about it. he got the tendency to do this from his mother, who can smell fear

– while I doubt Russ would do things "for the bit" he would ABSOLUTELY act on impulse in the name of the scientific method. this has gotten him hurt before. it's fine

– does not make coffee he just eats the fucking grounds. "it's a Giyan thing, you wouldn't understand" this is not true at all he is LYING

– Russ and Yonny get into frequent arguments (light banter) about literally everything and I mean Everything. They could work together they'd be really powerful that way, but they don't

– Russ has so many genuinely funny science puns that he makes and no one ever gets them and it devastates him

– except for Yonny, who is too busy searching for ethics guideline loopholes to acknowledge that he understands the joke

– Yonny has the most HORRIFIC life stories and will drop them CASUALLY. thought they were funny, is only now beginning to realize that it does in fact make people concerned and uncomfortable when he does that

– prefers paper books to digital because he's prone to headaches!! cites "phone bad book good" as the official reason but that's not the reason

– nonbinary and evil. presentation tends to "default" as masc but switches up often! hey girl I mean any pronouns

– knows like a hundred million dead languages for absolutely no reason

– makes art in his spare time because murder is wrong

– Shepherd sleeps with a nightlight, or at the very least can't rest well in complete darkness!! she's just like me fr !!!!

– "she snores" thank you duncan for your contribution. honk shoe

– also I think she might be autistic I can't fully back that one up do not ask me to but look at her. she cares about dogs the way I care about fish

– prone to coming across the wrong way, tone wise. very very good at giving backhanded compliments that were meant to be fully sincere and just got horribly lost in translation. this keeps her up at night. she feels AWFUL

– big fan of karaoke!! not exactly GOOD at it but we love her initiative

– as afraid as she is of the pikmin, their voices and funny little words are very catchy and she does find herself repeating them often. she will not admit this. it is embarrassing

– Collin is also autistic. I could make an entire separate post on this I'm being so goddamn serious, I have so much reasoning, I am fully confident that he is, and that he masks REALLY hard, and it enormously fucked him up

– special interest in machinery (NO ONE saw THIS coming)

– transmasculine. his name is a pun on "call in." heard the phrase and realized he had the opportunity to do the funniest thing ever

– we only hear about his grandfather, and not even from him; no other family is mentioned at all!! went no contact with like everybody else, above points might be why. people with normal childhoods don't stand like that

– adding onto the canon sleep talking with sleep movement! a LOT of it! has probably kicked someone before!!

– "he wakes up upside down" thank you duncan

– i think maybe Dingo might still have glow stick light up bones. will rediscover this one day during an expedition mishap and it will be an Experience

– not a hc but Dingo is the type of guy to get bit in a zombie apocalypse and not tell anyone until the literal last second

– "he would also say "fuck my stupid baka life"" thank you duncan

– would fight by rolling up his sleeves and jumping around cartoonishly. he would more likely talk like he's winning the fight when he is in fact actively losing. "had enough yet? (on the floor)"

– definitely games and he wins the competitive ones by button mashing. "I'll never tell you my strategy" he prays that's the strategy

– his sleep schedule is NOT normal. it's so beyond skewed. he either gets like 2 hours of sleep or he wakes up the following night not knowing what year it is

[isalisewrites]

A ramble on writing where April broke my heart

Hooo boi.

March was a dream in comparison to April.

Emergency gallbladder surgery? Someone faking their death in my server? Good times. I wanna go back.

I have been through much in three short months. April has shown that it's taken a toll. I have missed many more days of writing. I'm still missing them in May. But I'm slowly gripping onto the last vestiges of my raw determination, all while in the face of so much.

I had a falling out with my closest family member that shook me to the core of my heart. I barely slept for most of the month again. Gallbladder surgery has proven to have some complications on my nervous system, making normal daily life difficult where it's hard to sit or lie down without experiencing full body numbness and tingling in various areas, including my hands and fingers. (No, not blood clots. 100% without a doubt it's my nerves.)

If you've followed me here (post one and two) and have read my author's on Terrible, But Great Chapter 30, then you know what went down with my family member. It took so much of my time and energy. I wrote well over 8,000 words trying to reason with this family member, only for all of it to be scorned and mocked. A part of me feels like that energy was wasted. I could have 8,000 more words in TBG, but I don't. This is all I have.

A part of me looks at it and says, "Give it back. Give me back my writing." What happened to January? Or even February? What happened to the girl who could wake up at 4am in the morning, an hour before she had to leave for her hysteroscopy, to power write 700 words?

Some days, I go up the stairs and I'm winded like I ran a marathon.

Some days, if I walk on the treadmill for more than 6 to 10 minutes, I feel like I'm dying.

It's been an uphill battle. The struggle is real, but so am I.

In the last week of December of 2023, when I realized how long it would take me to finish Terrible, But Great, I was overcome with what I call 'The Stirring.' I don't know what else to call it, but it always has an air of mystery and premonition for what it is to come. I thought at that time, "If I had limited time to live, what do I want to do?"

"I want to write."

So, I did.

In 2023, I published a total of 43,000 words in TBG. In 2024, from January to April, I've written 110,604 words and have published 35,000 words thus far. The year isn't even halfway over and I've done better this year than I have last year.

In spite of it all, I'm doing pretty damn good.

There's still hope. I'm not giving up. It might feel like morale is low, but it's not. I'm going to keep going as much as I can through all the hardships because writing is truly the one thing that breathes life into me.

By the end of April, I finished my business class with an essay about how the class shifted my beliefs. This class in combination with all of my health issues and social conflicts sparked an overwhelming revelation and a new rising determination within my soul.

You see, you all have witnessed my love and passion for writing Terrible, But Great, a Harry Potter fanfiction, but I also have original stories that I've wanted to write. Yet, I haven't been able to finish them because I'm always thinking about the market in the real world, instead of what I want and what the story wants. Fanfiction, I can do whatever the hell I want and yall are just gonna have to strap in and hold onto dear life cause it's gonna be a bumpy ride. Original novels, however, are done differently and I've often struggled due to so many factors.

I have ADHD. I am autistic. I have health issues which are rapidly piling up on top of each other. My career choice might not even be feasible for me in the long run, so why I am allowing myself to be pressured into doing more than I can handle with a class load?

I want to write. I want to write. I want to create.

Oh, how I want to create.

So, I will.

Two years ago, I gave up on my dream of writing original novels and earning a living through them. I've since repented of that notion. As I continue write Terrible, But Great, I'm also going to be working on my original novels on the side. Someday, perhaps, I'll be able to earn a living as a published author.

That's my realistic ideal.

I wrote 457 words today, May 9th. That's good enough. The goal this month is to write more than April. I can do that. On the days where prose is hard, I simply write my scene idea in a zero draft style. I don't worry about the prose; I'll fix it later. Every word counts. Every word can be changed. Every word can be made better.

Every word is good enough.

Until next month.

[ewwww-what]

I wanna hear about nara I wanna hear everything you have to say abt nara

I am so extremely excited that you asked because I really do have plenty to say about (universally loved and cherished character that everyone remembers and cares about) Princess Nara.

Let it be known that I am truly at my weakest and most vulnerable when talking about princess Naradriel of Dimension Twenty fame. Take my words with a grain of salt as I may be consistently lying right to your face and not saying anything the way I want to!

I truly deeply love thinking of the JY events through Nara’s perspective. Like, her (very rich, very pretentious, very absent) family is worried about a new organization for a different interpretation of the godess they worship, so they send Nara in to keep an eye on Tracker since they’re the same age and they think she’ll relate to her better. They end up really hitting it off, Nara convinces her parents to fund Wolfsong Revival, and in turn learns things about her religion that she hadn’t known before, truly she is the most aware of her faith that she has ever been thanks to her girlfriend and her followers. Except Tracker won’t really call Nara her girlfriend outright? And also she hasn’t ever really announced their partnership despite having an active social media presence (Tracker eventually does post about her, with permission from her ex, and the conflict is half-resolved from then on.)

Then Nara meets Kristen, and promptly realizes that she is a perfect mirror of her very existence. Nara is the spitting image of her girlfriend’s ex, Kristen totally knows it too. the only real difference between the two of them is that Nara has the funds to make a project the size of Wolfsong possible and Kristen doesn’t, neither of them feel good about this situation at all.

I’m thinking about her constantly, she is in a relationship where the love literally wasn’t meant for her, that’s so sad?? Waiter, more fantasy teenagers in messy relationships please!!

——

Kristen Applebees foil intermission

Honestly I think Kristen Applebees might have more foils in junior year than anyone else throughout the entire show and I do truly enjoy that very much.

There’s the very obvious and intended Buddy dawn, who was created to be her foil and also an antagonist in her story. He reminds her very much of her younger and more sheltered self, as well as the person she might have become if she hadn’t died in the cafeteria that day.

Nara is kind of a funny contrast to him, because Kristen’s dislike for Buddy is very much representative of the parts of her past that she isn’t proud of, and he is significantly easier for her to criticize because she’s already come to terms with those things within herself. Nara, however, is everything that Kristen doesn’t like about herself currently.

A big thing that Kristen is grappling with in this season is her impulsiveness and the way it effects the people around her, and this dialogue specifically is what sparked her realization that her and Nara aren’t dissimilar people. Kristen and Nara’s shared spontaneity isn’t necessarily a conscious choice for either of them, but it is something that they both find frustrating about themself.

I wrote a whole paragraph here but it deleted itself, I’m not rewriting it all. it was just about how for certain people executive disfunction make it difficult to prioritize important tasks, and it can feel frustrating and unfair when things fall through even though other people might find it easy to maintain in a way you don’t. That’s what these two have going on, they both have ADHD (canonically /srs).

I think it’s also important for Kristen at that point in time to have met someone who’s experiencing similar things to her. Especially during a point in her life where everything feels really uncertain, and nobody seems to be really understanding her exact experience, she meets someone who feels the same way she does and is able to lend her sympathy about it. Very nice, very good :)

——

??? I’m just talking about whatever now

I feel itchy every time I have to think about the way Nara is treated like she’s not smart!! Partially because it’s clear that this is a young girl who has been very sheltered all her life, and is finally branching out and attempting to be a better person and educate herself for the benefit of the people around her. She made a very open and self-aware observation about the corrupt system that her family helps uphold, and expressed distaste and willingness to change, which was kind of met with skepticism and weird comments about her intelligence. I like her, whatever. I’m killing everyone!!!

Is she ignorant? Yes, absolutely. Disgustingly rich? Of course. But a reoccurring theme in the few scenes we get to see her in is that she wants to be better and more involved in the lives of other people (close enough, welcome back season one Kristen Applebees and season two Fabian Seacaster)

(That’s not to say that you can’t dislike her for these traits, just me complaining about how she was treated narratively once she served her purpose in the story. girl is bad forever and cannot possibly become a better person. Unfortunate reoccurring theme (I love this show, take all of this with a grain of sugar.))

I don’t have anything huge to say about it, I’m sure someone else could make a better and more concise explanation for what I’m trying to get across. Give me 5 hours to write another essay.

-

Also!! Nara has a lisp, I think? It could have been an aspect of her accent that I misinterpreted, but you will not catch me ignoring even the slightest possibility that a character could have a speech impairment that isn’t taken as a joke. This is not important to literally anything I have said this whole time, I just want it out in the world that I’ve collected another character into my (very small) pile of favs who have lisps.

——

JY finale

I didn’t particularly love the JY finale, I feel like it didn’t give closure to a lot of the events of the season that should’ve probably gotten closure. That being said, for a character who played such a small role in the show I don’t think Nara needed much more than what she got. I do enjoy that it can be interpreted as Nara wanting more from tracker than she’s willing to give in their relationship, or that her parents weren’t happy with the actual religious advancements of moonsong, maybe both.

I hear sometimes that Nara was in on the plan to take down moonsong, and that’s the reason that Tracker’s funding was removed, and I don’t disagree that that could’ve been the intention behind the finale but it’s also not my favorite idea. I personally don’t understand how Nara would benefit from advocating for the oracle to get paid a living wage, or begging her dad to fund the operation to revive a primal interpretation of her goddess just to have that taken away. (Political advantage and surveillance, I guess? Two things that high schoolers notoriously love and care about willingly participating in /sar)

You cant have full episodes to tie up the loose ends of minor characters and I do understand that, and I certainly don’t mean for it to seem like I’m upset that she and tracker broke up or even that she probably won’t show up again. I just like her :)

Also here’s Aelwyn and Adaine talking about maybe possibly killing Nara as a little treat to themselves, I was rewatching the episode and I like this part

That’s it I’m done now :)

[monsterblogging]

So this post I reblogged has got me thinking about humanity loss as a trope and the way it's treated. And just to clear things up for anyone who might be confused, I'm talking about stories that involve some amount of physical transformation (with possibly some amount of mental transformation), not just "losing your humanity" in the moral sense. (Though the idea that compassion = human is itself incredibly flawed, but we're not getting into that right now.)

So like, there is media where portraying loss of humanity as a bad thing actually makes sense - specifically, where it's a metaphor for something that's actually bad. The first example that comes to mind is where turning people into robots or cyborgs is used as a metaphor for the dehumanization of laborers. Rich fucks in real life want to treat workers like machines, so it's kind of a natural step to write fiction where it's presented a bit more literally. Or there's stories like Resident Evil 4, where transformation is an allegory for religious radicalization, because the bummer truth is that people who've been radicalized are more often than not impossible to reason with and either want to make you one of them or kill you. When the major bad guys turn into giant monsters, it's an allegory for wielding corrupt power.

(And for those of you out there going, "but people can be deradicalized???", I am with you! And this is why I think a lot of these narratives need to lighten up on the "oh no once you hit Certain Stage of Change there's no going back!!!" stuff.)

But then there's like... the people who miss the metaphor or have very chauvinist views, and oop - there is no allegory now (or at least, not much of one), and we get stories that effectively inform us that becoming too Other means we're no longer deserving of compassion, respect, autonomy, or even life. Like, you can tell that you're dealing with the kind of person who just doesn't really believe in universal human rights, or in people exercising too much autonomy. And I think it's very natural to have an "oh, fuck you" kind of response to this kind of thing.

And then sometimes there is an allegory, and the author is targeting queer people, communists, foreigners, or anybody the establishment isn't really a fan of. Once you realize that the author is just bullshitting, I think it's only natural to think that there could be another side to this story.

And I think it's also fair to ask ourselves if transformation into Something Else could be an allegory for something that isn't actually bad. Maybe getting in tune with some aspect of nature triggers changes; like you grow gills and fins after hanging out in the water for so long. Maybe this upsets the sensibilities of the people back home, but quite frankly it's none of their business where you choose to spend your time and what you allow to happen to your body. Or maybe the cult leader turned you into their perfect weapon, and maybe that process was traumatic, but what happens when you regain your autonomy? Are the abilities you gained inherently bad, or does it come down to what you choose to do with them? Do you really deserve to die just because your body has a different shape now and there's no way to undo it?

And sometimes transformations brings on various forms of disability, or the experiences the characters go through are very similar to the experience of being disabled in some way, which can make them very relatable to some people. When you see something about yourself in these characters, it's only natural to want them treated as a person who deserves compassion and accommodation, rather than nothing more than a dangerous monster.

Add into this that nonhuman characters in general are constantly given characteristics associated with autism, ADHD, and even trauma. Factor in that the temptation of turning into a creature who isn't expected to act "human" (read: neurotypical) so you can be released from burdening expectations. Factor in the desire to be free from anything considered "human," period. And don't forget the whole otherkin/alterhuman thing. Then of course there's the thrill of the idea of experiencing a novel form, of seeing how it feels to move in a differently-shaped body and exploring what you can do with it. And the temptation of stimming with a tail. And also the fact that people's bodies and minds will change throughout their lives and that's fine, actually. Nobody owes it to you or anyone to be the same forever.

So yeah, works of fiction that depict "losing your humanity," as in changing your physical body and rewiring your brain in a way that people find strange as inherently bad and morally wrong are crap. Change is nature, and if somebody wants try out life as a dragon that should be none of anybody else's fucking business.

[hollygl125]

I don’t really have words for how I’m feeling right now. I keep cycling between, “Okay, I know how I need to proceed” and “OMGF, how could this happen???!!!” There is the logical truth, and then there is the emotional/moral truth, and I am struggling.

Logically, I know the rational steps are (1) to find something good I can do for the world (or at least a few of the people in it), to fight the good fight, etc. and (2) to make sure I retain a place for my own happiness and joy.

Obviously it’s hard to do the latter right now, when really I just want to walk into the sea (but not actually). So I keep cycling through these two modes every five minutes or so, and I thought it might be helpful to put these thoughts in writing.

I’ve never really been the grassroots/community organizer type. I’ve always been interested in politics at the top levels. But I think right now trying to get involved in something at a community level is the only thing that makes sense, both in terms of what I can do and in terms of giving myself an increased sense of community and solidarity.

I know I need to find joy in the things that bring me joy, even if it’s hard, partly because to let them strip us of joy is to lay down in defeat and partly just because the human body and mind cannot tolerate constant misery (says the girl on a multi-year mental health break caused by ADHD burnout and anxiety).

(On the night of the election I started reading Timothy Snyder’s On Tyranny, which I have owned for ages but—like many of the excessive number of books in my possession—never read, and its first lesson is “Do not obey in advance.” I should probably finish reading it.)

Over the preceding few years, The Characters (TM) and Tumblr and fanfic and GIF-making have been my escape from my own personal anxieties, and one of the things with which I was struggling yesterday (though obviously not the most significant overall) was how to reconcile the thing that brings me joy with the horrors that surround me. Sometimes I fear that when I am at peak anxiety the horrors will overrun the joy and ruin my happy place for me. The joy of finally (re)marrying off The Characters (TM), for example, seems incongruous with the horrors all around us.

But, I remind myself, people have always needed art, and people have always needed writing, and people have always needed escape, and people have always needed joy.

So I guess what I’m saying is that I will continue to use this as one of my escapes and one of my sources of joy—and to hope that maybe what I share can also provide a bit of that for someone else—but also to be mindful of the fact that I need to think about what I can be doing at this stage to create change in the real world.

I spoke with my therapist the day before the election (realizing that actually I might need her more the day after), and she told me about C-I-A, which means thinking about what we can actually control, influence, and affect. As someone who tends to start feeling responsible for large-scale events I couldn’t possibly control, this was a helpful framing for me! So I am going to do some more thinking on what I can actually control (my own actions, etc.) as well as what I can be doing to affect consequences or to exert influence (however small!) outside myself.

Under the cut I’m putting links to some other posts/sentiments I’ve found helpful, but first I’ll mention two more things:

1. Ballot curing is still taking place! This could affect control of the House! You can volunteer to help with ballot curing, and I have compiled some links here.

2. A favourite MLK Jr. quotation: “Injustice everywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.” So keep fighting the good fight, wherever you are.

Sending hugs to all who need them. 💙

Some advice and inspiration:

The quotations engraved at the Martin Luther King, Jr. Memorial, for anyone who needs some inspiration while contemplating what they can do to make sure the moral arc of the universe bends back towards justice.

This post from @vegawriters on getting involved and coalition-building.

This article on what to do next, which I have still only skimmed, but the opening is wise:

The key to taking effective action in a Trump world is to avoid perpetuating the autocrat’s goals of fear, isolation, exhaustion, and disorientation.

This Bluesky post on not giving up on your creative projects, no matter how “silly” they may seem right now. They bring you joy. They may bring someone else joy, too; they may remind someone else they aren’t alone. But, regardless, if they help you survive another day, they have value.

This Bluesky post on doing the small things that can make a difference.

This statement by AOC: “One day at a time. One choice at a time. Regimes and autocracies are taken down by billions of drops of small actions that would otherwise be invisible.”

This line from Jonathan Larson: “The opposite of war isn’t peace. It’s creation.”

I would love to know what is keeping everyone else going right now!

[carakook]

Hi 🥲

So.... remember how I said I'd be back before? Lol, well right after that post some shit happened and it honestly made me not even want to open tumblr anymore. I won't go into deep detail of course, because I wish nothing for the best for these people. However I had some friends that were not actually friends, and some of them took things too far within our friend group. Long story short, I lost a good chunk of the friends I previously mentioned in my post, and some of them knew about my tumblr account (even though I did not give it out freely, they just found it and shared it with each other) and they were sending me asks pretty much making fun of me. Mocking my writing and my love for BTS in general. I also was sent screen shots of them talking badly about my writing, and it really just made me feel insecure, angry, and sad. This isn't everything that happened of course, but it is the reason I have not posted or even been on tumblr in months. It's immature really, I'm 26 years old, and don't have time to be dealing with bullshit like that. But, I do suffer from mental health issues (I'm sure you guys could tell, huh? ADHD and Anxiety gang wya?) and anxiety is a big thing for me. This entire situation really messed with me, but made my anxiety flare up horribly. So when this started happening, I got really bad anxiety about posting and interacting on tumblr in general. I had a lot of irl stuff going on too, and it felt like my safe space to be creative and cope with that shit was intruded on. All of this is to say that I'm sorry I didn't come back when I said I would, literally the week I was going to finish Bloom, this happened. A lot of stuff came to light, and then my tumblr asks were invaded, and I just felt burnt out and lost my spark. But I do wanna say thank you to J and K for being such good friends to me throughout all of this, they have been encouraging me to pick up my story and even make new ones. I love them a lot, they are probably some of the best friends I have ever had and they have been so helpful throughout all of this. The good news is, I am feeling a lot better about it all now. We have all moved on, and my anxiety is gone because I got over it. Just don't care anymore really. I'm more at peace. So I think I am ready to come back! I also wanna thank the author of Mutual Help, @personasintro, I don't know her personally but she recently uploaded a new chapter of Mutual Help (if you have not read it, and you are a Jungkook lover, GO READ IT??? IT IS LITERALLY ONE OF MY FAV FF EVER.) and that heavily got me in the mood to write again. Her writing is beautiful, and she always inspires me. So thank you Mimi for being as amazing as you are. <3 I am sorry again for being gone so long, but I want to come back. I love writing and I love BTS, other groups too, and I really love being delulu and turning it into little stories. So I hope you can all welcome me back and get excited. I won't give a timeframe yet, but I will be uploading the new chapter of Bloom very soon. Might have some smaller stories posted while I work on Bloom and refresh my brain. I have some work stuff I need to catch up on, and then my focus will be on Bloom. In the meantime, how are you all doing? Are you eating well?? Getting rest? Anything new? Taking care of yourselves? I'd love to hear. I have really missed you all so much, and god I have missed tumblr. It took a lot for me to open the app recently, but after I finally did, I realized everything is ok. To those who have waited for me patiently, thank you so much, I love you more than you understand. I can't wait to start again! I have a lot of stuff planned for the future, and I still have Metamorphosis to upload. So please bare with me while I get back into the swing of things.

P.S, shoutout to @wearentdelulu, she’s my best friend and has helped me a lot. She’s recently started writing stories on tumblr, please check out her page. She’s an amazing writer. But beyond her writing, she’s a great friend and inspires me to be better every day. She is a big reason I want to come back to you guys, knowing she’s here gives me courage and inspiration, so thank you J. 💖