#After years of hiding my emotions and interests and trying to love everyone I realize that it’s okay to be annoying

[the-kriller]

I just realized I hate myself

[what-even-is-thiss]

I’ve still got my social anxiety but I find it a bit easier to push it aside these days because I’m realizing that a lot of my anxieties come from how I was treated as a child by other children. And adults don’t generally treat each other the way that children do. And those who do become judgmental and bully people like children do generally get stuck in a group with the other bullies.

Adults often grow in emotional maturity. And I’m also an adult now and am not feeling big feelings for the first time. Just like I don’t scream and cry when I scrape my knee anymore, I don’t feel like the world is ending when someone doesn’t want to talk to me anymore. My fear of rejection is based on a child’s capacity for pain. Not an adult’s.

I’ve learned a lot of how social situations work through trial and error in the past few years because I didn’t have a lot of friends as a child and therefore didn’t have a lot of opportunities to learn.

And I’m still scared. I’m still terrified of rejection and I still end up dissecting and obsessing over interactions after they happen. I’ve still missed a party or two. But change is possible. And doing it scared is worth it, turns out. I’m a socially anxious introvert that nevertheless loves people.

I love small talk now. At 25 I’m doing things every week that 15 year old me would’ve thought impossible. I’m going to parties, drinking with friends, chatting with cashiers, making friends and acquaintances at church, school, coffee shops. I’m still afraid of secretaries but I don’t freeze up when talking to them anymore. People aren’t as mean and unforgiving as my brain tells me they are. Most people are fine. There isn’t some secret everyone’s hiding from me. Talking really is that easy. You just take interest in other people and try and try again until it works.

[itscherrylipsforme]

The missing piece: Oliver Quick x fem!reader

Part 2 here

Summary: A few months after Saltburn becomes completely his, Oliver still feels like something is missing. Without being able to put a finger on it he decides to pay a visit to Oxford, where all started, trying to find the answer between his old memories. Fate believes that a pretty and sweet student he meets in a bookstore is the piece of the puzzle he needs right now. After all everyone wants to be showered with love, don’t they?

Warnings: Post Saltburn fic, a little bit dark (it’s Oliver, what you expected?), age gap (he is around 15-17 years older), slightly innocent kin? (nothing sexual)

Words: Around 1700

Author's rambles: Okay, I feel in love with him the movie and I am kind of embarrassed about it (It’s not my fault hat the actor has pretty eyes and a gorgeous accent, fine?) For your own good, don’t aspire to have a boyfriend as toxic as him in real life. Also this is my fic on Tumblr, please be nice

Masterlist Characters I write for

Likes and reblogs are appreciated ღ

I do not authorize any of my works to be copied, translated or plagiarized ✗

There is a psychological phenomenon that claims that after achieving something we have been longing for some time instead of the sense of satisfaction we were expecting we feel incomplete, hopeless and already looking forward to our next success. After having the Saltburn's keys just for himself, Oliver experienced that piercing emotion for the first time in his life. If he was painfully unaware of it or simply decided to ignore it remains as an open question until today. The only thing that was certain for him at that time is that he needed some action, a new goal, maybe some entertainment, and specially he needed answers. That’s why he decided to go back to the place it all started nearly sixteen years ago

Oxford hadn’t changed a lot since he graduated, as he had the chance to notice it. Different names, different faces, different decades… But still the same social scheme it was back them. Groups of rich daddy’s and mommy’s children swarming around the campus, pubs where you had to drink to be accepted, and poor little nobodies who had to adapt or die in the process

He rented a large flat not so far away from the university, and in the café just below it he rediscovered a hobby he had always had, but which have been almost forgotten on those last months on the mansion. Looking at the students, being able to read through their facades while accompanied by a cup of coffee, became his new pastime. But people always talk and after some weeks spending the afternoon in the café terrace just lost in his thoughts he realized the odd glances the staff shot towards him, so he decided to hide his true interest behind a less complex and unique one. The next day he went to the closest bookstore to buy any novel that would help him with his purpose, after all, people just ask fewer questions when you are reading on your own. That was when he found you sitting on a couch, legs crossed with a book between your small and soft hands

Pretty, beautiful, gorgeous even. Young, probably still studying at Oxford. On the shy aspect, lovely and smart as he guessed correctly. Sweet smile. Bright eyes. Oh, and some soft curves he was able to peep while he seemed to be looking at the shelves by your side. Wait, was that a blush, what he saw on your cheeks? Another scholarship student as he was back then. The fact that your clothes weren’t from big and expensive brands and that you spent your afternoons in the bookshop without really buying anything was the clue he needed to be sure about it. God, you were adorable, perfect, just what he needed right now and he decided to start working on it

Time had shown him that patience and a good plan could take you far away, this is the reason why, although he was eager to come to you and straight-forward mesmerize you with his tricks, he waited. He spent the next five weeks going to the library more or less daily hoping to see you, and luckily (since he was used to building his own luck) your schedules always matched. He always sat on an armchair to read next to yours, close but not enough to be suspicious. Just after he had made sure you have not so subtly looked at him a few times, he decided to make the move

“The Secret History” a deep silky voice said from behind your seat. His face slightly near to your face which made the words linger in the air for some honey-like seconds “You have a good taste”

“Thanks… Thank you” you manged to say in sweet and shy whisper

“First time you read it?” he asked and a shake of your head was the response he got

“No, I have already read it a couple of times in pdf. But I have never owned the physical book”

“We can have that keep happening, can’t we?” he grinned, and you couldn’t remember if he was the first man who had smiled and looked at you in that way “May I have a look at it?” his large and firm hands came to hold the cover as he stood up and went straight to the cashier “Follow me, darling” the nickname rolled in his tongue, sweet as candy, and before you thought about it, you did as he said. You were obedient, good thing, he thought to himself. He pulled the money out of his wallet in merely seconds, paid for it and hand it back to you

“Thanks, but I can’t accept it” you said slightly embarrassed

“Of course, you can! It truly is an amazing novel, you deserve it” he smirked. His words have had just the reaction he had expected from you, cheeks covered with a tiny hint of pink “I have always found myself relating to Henry Winter, I just need my Camila now”

You were taken back, was that an attempt to flirt? Because if it was, he had your attention. While you tried to make any sense out of your thought, he spoke again

“I am usually on a café nearby, if you are interested you could come sometime” Another smirk, and at that moment you knew that this man was going to be the death to you. Things like this only happened to the main characters in romance movies

“I don’t even know your name”

“ You can call me Oliver, darling”

“I am y/n”

“Beautiful, beautiful y/n, it was a pleasure to meet you. Hope we see each other again”

And you did. Between coffees, books, conversations and more, he had you wrapped around his finger by the time your classes ended. Oliver was sweet, devoted, intelligent… all you could ever ask for in a man. He was straight out of your dreams, and damn he felt you were straight out of his. Innocent, easy to make blush, could keep with his ramblings and most important, you were eager to love, and he was eager to be loved

Yesterday it had been your graduation, when you left the ceremony in that beautiful dress he had insisted on buying you and wrapped your arms around him, he felt like his plan has almost completely succeeded. Almost, you wanted a fairy tale romance, and he was going to give you one. Keeping things slowly and delicate. But when he woke up and felt you laying on his chest sleeping peacefully, he couldn’t help but want to make you his. That had been the only night you had spent in his apartment in your months together. He had sworn to himself that he wouldn't rush, so he didn't. At least he was glad you were coming with him to Saltburn for a few weeks in the summer and you could bet he wouldn’t let you leave the mansion again if he could. After all, you were all that he wanted. His missing piece

Part 2 here

[johnslittlespoon]

accidentally just created my own buckbucky college au oops (i love college aus tho, this was far overdue tbh) so here's like ~2k words of (semi–nsfw) drabble that i wanna turn into a oneshot/series :-)

thinking about modern au pre–established relationship buckbucky who meet in their first year of college because they apply to an ad to rent a two bedroom apartment near campus, complete strangers save for a few texts back and forth until move in day.

they become fast friends despite how opposite they are, john being a cliche frat boy type (but subverting expectations by majoring in something english–related? waxing secret poetry about his 'obvious as the sun to everyone but gale' crush on his roommate lol) and gale being a studious math/science major, no interest in parties or campus culture. pining aside, everything's just fine until:

john does something stupid a few months into the school year and ends up spraining/breaking his dominant arm– probably wipes out trying to ride his bike home to his and gale's apartment while drunk after a party. gale gets a call at midnight from a sheepish john asking if he can come drive him to the hospital, and of course he does, though after his initial concern when he picks john up at the side of some random street, he's fuming at john's idiocy.

"you could've rode into traffic, john. jesus, you're gonna give me a stroke one of these days, you gotta start using your brain more." and john's drenched in cold–sweat from pain as he cradles his arm to his chest, head tilted back against the headrest and trying not to curse out every red light as his head spins, but he still cracks a weak smile and says "c'mon buck, you'd be bored if i started using my brain." gale glances over and the stern look is enough to shut john up.

this injury leads to gale having to help him with certain tasks for a bit, like shaving his face, brushing his teeth, doing his hair, tying shoes, etc. john's stubborn the day after, independent to a fault, refusing to ask for help, and gale watches with mild amusement/hidden winces, not wanting to push because he knows by now it'll only make john dig his heels in. gale only decides that enough is enough when he's walking past the half–open bathroom door the next afternoon and suddenly hears a sharp inhale and a stream of profanities and pokes his head in to find john's cut his jaw trying to shave with his left hand.

the intimacy and domesticity of it all– john pretends he's inconvenienced, but once he realizes this means he gets to stare at gale's focussed face up close as he sits on the bathroom counter and gale stands between his legs carefully shaving away his stubble, he's a lot less reluctant to accept help. but being that close to gale's face and being able to unabashedly study his long lashes and the curve of his lips is dangerous for john's lack of impulse control, barely keeping his pining under wraps from the moment they'd met, let alone with this newfound proximity they have to fall into the routine of.

so john has fun being a shithead on purpose during these moments, both to distract his yearning brain and for his own entertainment, just yapping away while gale's frustratedly trying to grab him by his jaw and hold him still for five seconds. biting down on the toothbrush when gale's trying to do a proper job of brushing his teeth so gale has to wrestle it away like he's playing tug of war with a dog, being an asshole and jerking his shoe to the side while gale's doing up his laces for him, heart leaping at the thrill he gets from gale's touches getting firmer when he's fed up, or from being pinned by irritated blue eyes.

he has no idea gale's pining just as hard, because gale's a master of concealing emotions in thanks to a very different upbringing than john's, and because while gale doesn't hide his queerness, he's not as open with it as john is. but gale's losing his mind just as much each time john needs his help, and the way he feels his self control slipping scares him.

this little dance around each other probably comes to a peak when john's being extra difficult one day while gale's trying to tame his wild curls for him. gale's got john pressed back against the bathroom counter with a scowl, working his gelled fingers through thick dark hair, and john can barely think straight because oh, has he ever spent an ungodly amount of time thinking about gale's hands in his hair under very different circumstances.

john's got a grin so big it near splits his face in half as he purposefully leans out of gale's reach, pulling every annoying thing he can think of because if he focuses too hard on gale's motions, he's gonna pop a very inconvenient boner with no hope of concealing it from gale with the way he's pressed up against him.

but gale's got twenty minutes until his next class and it's a ten minute walk from their apartment, and he's at the end of his rope, so he finally snaps and without giving it a second thought he closes the last bit of distance between them to grab at the back of john's hair, and he pulls, hard.

the smile slides off john's face as his mouth falls open and his hips reflexively jerk forward and whatever scolding gale was about to give him dies in his throat because holy shit. there's a few seconds where both of them just stare at each other wide eyed with their hearts pounding, john internally spiralling because he thinks he's just fucked everything up, gale internally spiralling because oh my god, he hasn't been misreading john's behaviour around him.

gale whispers a "fuck" and, more impulsive than he's ever allowed himself to be, goes in for the kiss, hand still tight in john's hair, and john whines into his mouth and his hands fly to gale's waist and everything gets heated really quick– until gale pulls away with a gasp for breath, both of them panting, cheeks flushed and eyes heavy. and then gale's ducking out of the bathroom and grabbing his backpack from the entry way and all but sprinting out of the apartment.

john's left standing there harder than he's ever been in his life but also panicking because he's not sure whether he's fucked up or whether gale's just overwhelmed, because he knows gale well enough to know he likes his space when big things happen.

but gale also knows john well enough to know how big of an overthinker he is; they've probably had to work through some incidents where their communication styles have clashed over the few months they've been roomies. so after his hands stop shaking enough while he's walking to campus, he types out a message to john letting him know 'I'm all good. Sorry for running, was gonna be late for class and panicked. Talk later, yeah?'

and john sighs in relief, texts back a 'np. sounds good :)' and then promptly shoves a hand down his pants and comes embarrassingly quick with the sting of gale's hands in his hair still fresh in his mind.

they talk things out somewhat, blahblahblah plotting problem for future me, but they're both shy and awkward around each other for a bit, which is so out of character for john and how obnoxiously flirty and loud mouthed he normally is.

so maybe what finally breaks them out of this tiptoeing around each other after a few days is something stupid– specifically, john ends up pent up and frustrated because trying to get off with his left hand just isn't doing it for him. and he's one of those 'once a day minimum' guys, so this isn't something he can just ignore; finds his temper is shorter, and he can't focus as well, etc. drama queen.

either gale comments on it lightheartedly and john blurts out his problem unthinkingly, or john makes an offhand joke about it, and gale thinks john's lack of impulse control is starting to rub off on him, because after a beat of silence, he gets out an "i can help."

john's head snaps over to look at him so fast he feels like he gives himself whiplash, eyes comically rounded, wondering if he's heard gale wrong or if gale's making a rare flirtatious joke. gale blinks back at him, looking just as surprised, tips of his ears going a little pink, but he doesn't laugh or throw in a 'only kidding!'

mumbles a "y'know, if you want," second guessing himself as if what happened in the bathroom a few days before isn't in john's top three best things that have ever happened to him list. john gets out a "yeah– yeah, i want," uncharacteristically nervous, and gale nods, turning his attention back to his laptop. and john just stands there in the kitchen, flabbergasted, shifting uncertainly.

works up the courage to shyly ask, "like. now? or." and he feels like he's never fumbled the bag so hard in his life, unable to remember the last time he's felt shy when talking about sex–related stuff, realizes just how bad his crush on gale's gotten. beyond a crush, at this point. and it makes it worse that gale's so nonchalant now, humming to himself as if in deep thought before saying "later. i've gotta get this assignment done."

john loses his mind over those next few hours, trying to be patient and give gale space to focus, but he's half hard the whole time and can't think about anything other than what gale means by 'helping'. gale can sense his impatience from the other side of their apartment, and he can't help the way it makes him smile to himself, having fun teasing john without even needing to do anything, and without john knowing it's fully intentional.

unfortunately this arrangement, however it plays out, probably leads to a lotta miscommunication and repression of feelings, because they're both dumb boys who suck at communicating, neither one of them wanting to ruin a good thing (aka an inevitable friends with benefits situation) by bringing up their feelings for the other. but there's plenty of hot sex and light kink exploration in the meantime, and eventually they sort their shit out, likely by accident like every other situation they've stumbled into together.

and not to cliffhang pre–smut, but i'll leave it there because this is way too long and if i do turn it into a oneshot i don't wanna write it all out of my system into this drabble before it makes it into a fic loll <3

[theoceanoasis]

Rodimus being a surrogate for drift and ratchet. He loves them but knows it’ll always be a secret one sided love.

He ends up conjunxed to soundwave. They both just take such good care of each other in all aspects

Holding a box of candy in one hand he knocked with the other feeling his spark pound in his chest. Recently Ratchet and Drift had been spending a lot of time with him. Going on what seemed like dates and now they were inviting him over because they wanted to ask him something.

He was practically vibrating with excitement. He'd always loved Drift and he'd found himself falling for Ratchet. He thought they felt the same way and were going to ask him if he would be interested in dating them.

Ratchet opened the door happy to see him and quickly pulled him inside. Drift was already inside giving him a nervous smile as he was guided to sit across from them.

"There is something we want to ask you..."

He nodded shifting with excitement.

"We want you to be our surrogate."

He gave them a confused look.

"We've always wanted a family but neither of us can carry."

"Don't you have to have carried in the past to be considered?"

"Yes and from the exams I've given you over the years I know you've carried in the past."

His energon froze and he stiffened trying to hide his distress.

"Let me think about it."

Even though he tried to hide it from him, Drift could still tell something was wrong.

"Roddy?"

Feeling boxed in he began to panic and before Drift could touch him he ran back to his room where he collapsed onto the floor.

He began to uncontrollably sob as he thought about his sparkling who was gone. They'd died in the fall of Nyon and having Drift and Ratchet bring up carrying, brought back a flood of memories and emotions he'd tried to forget.

Breaking down he was despondent for days. He knew everyone was worried about him. Drift and Ratchet had come by apologizing Ratchet admitting that he'd been insensitive.

He should have realized there was a reason he never brought up having a sparkling.

He'd clawed at his belly right where his tank was. All it ever did was cause him grief. He thought Drift and Ratchet liked him but all they wanted was a surrogate.

Megatron was able to piece together what happened and knew why he was upset. He'd been there after all watching him break down and sob with Soundwave holding him.

The grief had torn them apart. Soundwave wanted to kill the high council and make them suffer as revenge. He wanted to burn Cybertron to the ground. However Hot Rod didn't want anyone else to suffer the same pain he did.

Soundwave chose the Decepticons and Hot Rod chose the Autobots and both of them liked to pretend that was it. Even though their sparks desperately reached for each other every time they were near. On the anniversary and birthday of their sparkling they would always get together. To mourn and to celebrate the life gone too soon.

Megatron knew Soundwave would be the only one who could help him and he was right.

When he heard a knock on the door he was going to ignore it until it was their secret knock. He'd gasped opening the door in shock to find Soundwave.

"Rodimus."

He broke down sobbing and Soundwave held him. Their sparks swelled and their fields desperately mixed together.

Soundwave pulled him inside before anyone could see him break down. Knowing he wouldn't want his crew to see him like that.

They clung to each other as he told Soundwave everything. He was pissed. How dare they try and use him?

They made him believe they liked him only to be manipulating him into giving them a sparkling. Ratchet especially should have known better and shouldn't have said that.

He felt violated and helpless. Soundwave suggested a new medic which was a start but he didn't know if he could trust them anymore.

"I feel my entire life has been destroyed and I don't know how to start over again. It hurt too much the first time."

"I'm sorry Rodimus. I promise you won't be alone this time I'm not leaving you."

Nodding he cuddled closer and Soundwave held him as they grieved.

[taeu7]

"In Tune with Love: You, the Melody of My Heart"

PART 2

The awkward silence lingered for a moment until the studio door opened, revealing the rest of the Seventeen members returning from their break. Y/N, realizing the need to break the tension, quickly stood up and greeted them with a bright smile."Hey, everyone! I missed you guys so much," she exclaimed, embracing each member one by one. The others responded with warmth, happy to see Jeonghan's sister back in Korea.Jeonghan, catching up to the group, grinned at Y/N. "You surprised us! How was your trip back?"Y/N chuckled, "It was good! I couldn't wait to see you all. Oh, and by the way, I tried playing the piano, but I think I need more practice. Wonwoo was giving me some pointers."The members looked at Wonwoo, who offered a casual nod. "Yeah, just helping out a bit. She's got potential."The atmosphere lightened as the group shifted their focus to catching up and preparing for their upcoming comeback. Y/N skillfully diverted the situation, keeping the interaction light and friendly.As the night continued, Y/N found herself engaged in conversations, sharing stories of her time abroad, and enjoying the camaraderie of Seventeen. Meanwhile, Wonwoo silently observed, still processing the unexpected moment in the studio.Little did they know, this twist in their interactions would set the stage for a series of events that would redefine their relationships within the group.

As Y/N made her way home, she felt a knot in her stomach. She couldn’t stop thinking about the studio incident. She replayed the scene in her mind, over and over again. She wondered why she had let her guard down, especially with Wonwoo, her brother’s friend. She felt a pang of guilt and regret. She knew she had crossed a line, and she didn’t know how to fix it.

She had always had a crush on him, ever since she met him through Jeonghan. He was kind, funny, and talented. He had a deep voice, a sharp mind, and a warm smile. He was everything she wanted, but nothing she could have. He was her brother’s friend, and she was his friend’s sister. She knew he didn’t see her as anything more than that. She knew she had to hide her feelings, to respect their friendship, to protect their group’s harmony. But when she saw him again, after three years, something changed. Something snapped. Something sparked.

She felt a rush of emotions, a mix of excitement, curiosity, and attraction. She felt drawn to him, like a magnet. She wanted to be near him, to talk to him, to touch him. She couldn’t resist the temptation, even when she knew it was wrong. She let herself get carried away, and she ended up in a situation she couldn’t handle. She ended up in the studio, playing the piano with him, looking into his eyes, feeling his fingers on hers, leaning closer to him, almost kissing him. She ended up falling in love with him, even more than before.

She shook her head, trying to clear her thoughts. She knew she had to snap out of it. She knew she had to move on. She knew she had to give them some space. Ignoring Wonwoo for a while seemed like the best solution. She decided to focus on herself, on her own interests, on her own life. She avoided the studio and any situations that might bring her face-to-face with him. She hoped he would forget about her, and she hoped she would forget about him.

Days turned into weeks, and Y/N tried to immerse herself in her own world. She spent quality time with her family, catching up on their lives and sharing her experiences. She pursued her personal interests, reading books, watching movies, and learning new skills. She enjoyed her own company, finding peace and happiness in solitude. She pretended to be fine, to be normal, to be over him. But deep down, she knew she wasn’t. She knew she still loved him, and she knew he still haunted her.

After a week

Y/N had come to the dome to deliver Jeonghan’s forgotten items. She had hoped to avoid Wonwoo, but fate had other plans. She had bumped into him on the rooftop, where he had gone to get some fresh air. He had greeted her with a smile, but she had sensed something was off. He had looked at her with a mix of concern and curiosity, as if he wanted to say something. She had felt nervous and guilty, remembering the studio incident. She had tried to act normal, but she knew he could see through her.

Wonwoo had been surprised to see Y/N at the dome. He had missed her, but he hadn’t heard from her in a week. He had wondered if she was avoiding him, and if so, why. He had wanted to talk to her, to clear the air, to understand what had happened in the studio. He had felt a rush of emotions, a mix of excitement, confusion, and attraction. He had tried to act casual, but he knew he couldn’t hide his feelings.

They had exchanged some small talk, but it had felt awkward and forced. They had both sensed the tension between them, but they had both been afraid to break it. They had both wanted to know the truth, but they had both been afraid to face it. They had both stood there, in silence, until Wonwoo had finally gathered his courage and spoken.

Wonwoo: Y/N, I’ve noticed things have been a bit off lately. Is everything okay?

Y/N: (hesitating) Wonwoo, I just thought it’d be best to give us some space after what happened in the studio. I didn’t want to make things awkward.

Wonwoo: (nodding) I appreciate your concern, Y/N. But I don’t want our friendship to suffer because of one moment. Can we talk about it? I value our connection, and I want to make sure you feel comfortable.

Y/N: (sighing) Okay, Wonwoo. I guess we can’t avoid this any longer. There’s something I need to tell you. Something I’ve been hiding for a long time.

Wonwoo: (listening) What is it, Y/N?

Y/N: (looking down) Wonwoo, I… I love you. I’ve loved you for the past three years, ever since I met you through Jeonghan. You’re kind, funny, and talented. You’re everything I want, but nothing I can have. You’re my brother’s friend, and I’m your friend’s sister. I know you don’t see me as anything more than that. I know you don’t feel the same way. But I can’t help it. I can’t control it. I can’t hide it.

Wonwoo: (shocked) Y/N, I… I don’t know what to say. I had no idea you felt that way. I’m sorry, I never meant to hurt you.

Y/N: (shaking her head) No, don’t apologize. It’s not your fault. It’s mine. I should have kept my feelings to myself. I should have respected our friendship. I should have protected our group’s harmony. But I was selfish. I was foolish. I was reckless. I let myself get carried away, and I ended up in a situation I couldn’t handle. I ended up in the studio, playing the piano with you, looking into your eyes, feeling your fingers on mine, leaning closer to you, almost kissing you. I ended up falling in love with you, even more than before.

Wonwoo: (softly) Y/N, I… I don’t know how to respond. I’m not ready for any relationship right now. I have a lot of things to deal with, as an idol, as a friend, as a person. I don’t want to hurt you, or Jeonghan, or the others. I don’t want to ruin what we have. I don’t want to lose you.

Y/N: (sadly) I understand, Wonwoo. I respect your decision. I don’t expect anything from you. I don’t want to pressure you. I don’t want to cause you any trouble. I just want you to be happy.

Wonwoo: (gently) Thank you, Y/N. You’re very brave and generous. You’re a good friend, and a good person. I’m lucky to have you in my life.

Y/N: (smiling) Thank you, Wonwoo. You’re very sweet and sincere. You’re a good friend, and a good person. I’m lucky to have you in my life.

They looked at each other, feeling a mix of sadness and gratitude. They knew they couldn’t be together, but they also knew they couldn’t be apart. They knew they had to move on, but they also knew they couldn’t forget. They knew they had to pretend, but they also knew they couldn’t lie. They knew they had to face reality, but they also knew they couldn’t deny their feelings.

Y/N: (clearing her throat) Wonwoo, let’s pretend that this conversation never happened. Let’s go back to how we were before. Let’s act normal, like nothing changed. Let’s be friends, like we always have been.

Wonwoo: (nodding) Okay, Y/N. Let’s do that. Let’s pretend that nothing happened. Let’s go back to how we were before. Let’s act normal, like nothing changed. Let’s be friends, like we always have been.

They smiled at each other, but their smiles were bitter and forced. They turned around and walked back to the dome, where the rest of the Seventeen members were waiting for them. They joined them, acting as if nothing happened. They laughed, joked, and chatted with them, acting as if nothing changed.. But deep down, they knew that everything had happened. They knew that everything had changed. They knew that everything mattered. They knew that they loved each other, and they knew that they couldn’t be together.

Will love Spark between them?Find out in the next part!

As a new writer I appreciate your feedback and comments. They inspire me to write better.

Thank you! 😊

Part 3 update!

[bielobog-kun]

may I know your shb+ WoL’s thing with emet. and origins. I come in peace 🕊️ despite my tendencies for real I am curious

i spent three hours writing this. lol

so yann comes from a damp and isolated fishing and shepherding community but he was too restless for that stuff alone to satisy him. he wanted to learn aetherology and read about ancient civilizations and see how other people lived. when he tried to leave his designated fleck of earth in the middle of the cold cold ocean however everything fell apart. academically the studium was amazing but socially he was just some kid from buttfuck nowhere with (what his patronizing fellow scholars looked on as) his naive indigenous traditional magick. he struggled making friends because he was unmannerly and lowborn. then moneylenders came after his family and infant sister who had to flee to limsa and go into hiding, the lender's hired heavies threw him into the drink where he almost drowned, just everything went to shit. he couldn't graduate. when he went to eorzea to pay off the debts (which his father took on so he could go to the studium in the first place) people ended up thinking he was just another moneygrubbing adventurer. he's been constantly misunderstood for most of his life and has never felt a part of anything, and each time he gets close something horrible happens, for instance the disaster at carteneau wherein his geomancy went awry and killed a bunch of allied soldiers along with his garlean targets. yet people won't let him stay out of it. they're constantly calling him a hero and begging for his help even though he's obviously been despised by nymeia since he was conceived. just once he'd like to hear the truth from someone and not what is useful for them to believe.

e-s tells him he's already failed but it's fine, whatever. he's failed thousands of times. and there's no hope for him to succeed in norvrandt, and the more he thrashes about trying the more likely he'll take all his friends with him in death. it's exactly what his diseased brain wants to hear.

depressed people fucking love things and people that reinforce their sick self-destructive worldview even if they claim otherwise (ask me how i know! actually don't). as i have previously written his emotional support thancred is not available in this situation, so he just starts drifting toward e-s. he spends a lot of time telling himself it's academic interest in the thousands of years' worth of knowledge and aetherological experience. meanwhile the unsolicited tender and nostalgic gazes REALLY make him feel a certain kind of way, not because he remembers being azem or anything but just because he's gay and lonely. what he loves most about e-s, though, is the invitation to embrace entropy and stop fighting.

this union is never consummated. but everyone can sense the tension. it is not good for the scions. they all call yann "my friend" and shit but now they are realizing they do not actually know him at all. there is a lot of fighting about unrelated things in early edw as everyone sorts out their feelings. alisaie gets pretty fucked up about it but the number one victim is g'raha. imagine loving and idolizing a guy so much you unwind the skein of time itself to save his life and he not only picks someone else but picks someone else who tortured you.

meanwhile e-s was dead and yann was not getting over it. elpis happened. and yann is in heaven. he gets to see the person e-s was before he was corrupted! and his friend hythlodaeus! in this idyllic place! he's always loved the past--why shouldn't that be where he belonged all this time? perhaps he should stay here forever. when he saw the sham amaurot and started learning about the world that'd been lost he'd already been thinking along these lines. but the e-s of this time hates him. shockingly, hades has even less capacity to understand the sundered as human than e-s. fucking azem flouting amaurotine laws by making some kind of familiar with a soul. of course he would. hythlo wants to play with him like a toy because isn't he darling and isn't the idea so fun? it breaks his heart but it also wakes him up--and at that point he finally starts leaving his yearning behind.

as for azem and e-s (or rather dionysos and hades), they were in a relationship through much of their time at anyder and afterward until it came time to stop playing around and serve amaurot. dion cared more about travelling and helping people in rural demes and hades cared more about civil service in the capitol. neither would yield--dion thought hades was being a pigheaded shut-in and hades thought dion was being frivolous--and they had an extremely acrimonious breakup about it. my favorite story about them is that after about five years or so dion started sending letters, apologizing and telling hades about all the things he'd seen on his way, but hades never read any of them and instead threw every one into the trash without opening it. hythlo--who already sneaks into hades' garbage to look at his discarded research drafts because he thinks he's the world's greatest genius and takes a pathetic sort of pride in knowing him more deeply than anyone else--fished them all out and kept them. he later puts in a lot of work into normalizing diplomatic relations as it were. even so, e-s still votes against dion being inducted to the convocation as azem and drags out his nomination process (which i hc must be unanimous) as long as possible. partly out of spite but also because he still has feelings for him and life is easier if he doesn't have to see him every day.

[anncanta]

We are adults. ‘Lucifer’ and ‘Dracula’

Once in the chat, discussing Dracula, I said that it would be nice to write a fanfic about Dracula running a nightclub in London. To which one of the participants answered me, ‘Darling, such a story already exists, it`s Lucifer.’ I shrugged my shoulders and forgot about it. And a few weeks ago I decided to watch the series finally.

I absolutely loved the first three seasons, it`s brilliant. Smart, funny, dramatic, elegant. Tom Ellis is very good. He and his play are my discovery of the year. But the most interesting thing about the series, for me, is what follows from its similarities and differences with Dracula.

The similarity of motives, plot, and even to some extent – genre is obvious. But the differences are more difficult. Although they lie on the surface, making you realize at some point why the series Lucifer had problems and why it was closed after the third season.

Why do I love Dracula? For many reasons, but one of the main ones is that this is a film for adults. And not only because the heroes are over forty and have problems, consistent with their age but also because it was written and played at an adult level. You see, the main female character of Lucifer at the beginning of the film is thirty-five years old, and Lucifer himself, by human standards, looks forty-something, but at the same time, they have teenage problems and relationships.

Well, a grown-up woman can`t, giggling, bat her eyes and say to a grown-up man, ‘This is a date, right? Oh, I don’t know…’ or at every hint of sexual or emotional intimacy, wave her hands and say that that`s not what she meant. When characters do this, it inevitably involves teenage context and – of course – teen romance clichés. I saw reviews that said, ‘How is it that Chloe doesn`t react to Lucifer`s power? What is this, teenage fan fiction?’ Yes. With such a heroine, this can only be a teenage fanfic. And combined with her age, it looks terrible.

This approach to the heroine logically gives rise to another teenage cliche: the ideal girl and the bad guy.

That`s why I love Dracula and the relationship between Dracula and Agatha so much. Agatha was never a good girl and never considered herself one. Her monastic habit in this sense is a mockery of herself (in the text) and a reminder to the authors that ‘not everyone is a monk who wears a hood.’ After all, when Agatha says Johnathan about priests who always survive, she speaks not only about one particular priest but about all of them. Including that priestess who sits in front of Harker.

Not only is Agatha not perfect, she`s clear from the start that she`s interested in dark forces, and she clearly has a checkered past. She enjoys communicating with Dracula and does not hide it. She does not purse her lips and does not pretend that she is unpleasant about one or another of his actions – if she is unpleasant, then she is unpleasant, and she speaks about it openly. Agatha does not try to behave ‘decently’. She doesn`t care about decorum.

Agatha lies to herself, but this is the lie of an adult who has been burned many times by her own ugly truth.

And what about Chloe? Nothing. Sweet, smart, right, with a hairstyle that makes her eyes pop out of her head, she walks back and forth with a gun and, living in Los Angeles and being a police officer and a former actress who starred in a movie with nude scenes, she is horrified that... the nightclub owner picked up the cigarette at the crime scene?

Don`t get me wrong. I love the beauty and the beast trope. I don`t like it being turned into a straight-A student/bad-boy relationship. Moreover, if the student has not read anything except the textbook and is mainly concerned with ensuring that no one thinks that she likes the bad guy. It`s disgusting.

I don`t know how they planned to build the plot in Lucifer and who came up with the love line itself. But this is clearly its weak point. Everything else in the first three seasons is just great. All the characters, without exception, are good. The way they communicate and work together is amazing. The way the divine beings settle down on earth and try to find themselves is brilliant. The world of the series itself, its internal state, atmosphere, are beautiful. Everything in it is in its place and everything is where it should be. Except Chloe. And that`s the problem.

I don`t know why this happened. I assume that because the authors could not decide on the genre and audience of the series. On the one hand, the theme and genre seem to be teenage – a comic book about the devil who ‘lights up’ Los Angeles. On the other hand, a story about a hero who goes on a journey in search of himself (and this is what lies at the heart of the plot) is not a teenage one. Teenagers are not searching for themselves. Teenagers trying to fit in. These are different things. And the discord is completed by the choice of actors for the main roles and the age category of most of the characters – over forty. If all this happened, roughly speaking, with heroes Bella Swan`s age and in a high school setting, then everything would be fine. And Chloe`s mental turmoil would not look idiotic, but consistent with the age and psychological norm.

It hurts. Really. Because there are several moments in the series that are incredibly beautiful and valuable regardless of everything else. The main character`s journey to himself, his sad and funny attempts to get rid of his father and his unwillingness to see how much he loves his father and depends on him and his opinion of himself, his devotion to his friends, their connection that exists despite everything and radiates light. The way the hero reveals his face is one of the most intimate scenes I have ever seen, and also that how he protects his beloved. This is wonderful.

But at the same time, the story, after dozens and dozens of episodes, came down to whether the heroes would sleep together. That`s not how it`s done. Perhaps I don`t understand something and perhaps my opinion will change over time, but now everything in me is protesting. I want an adult story to remain an adult story. Do I want too much?

Or maybe Steven Moffat just spoiled me.

[ordinarykeys]

Otto progression part 2! Here's a collection of my dnd character from throughout the year so far. Including some NPCs and other player characters. We recently had our 1 year anniversary for the game so I wanted to draw everyone's character and some memorable NPCs / Enemies from the game.

I'll talk about the images under a read more if you're interested.

So the first picture was Otto's new look after becoming divine. We thought it would be cool to try out the Gestalt system (which is leveling in 2 classes at the same time), and Otto had a combo of Death Cleric with a Homebrew Necromancer we found. I would NOT recommend the homebrew we found, the subclass I took turned out to be extremely broken without us realizing. It did make for an extremely funny combat where we were fighting a mini army, dropping Sickening Radiance down on them, and getting 100+ HP back once a turn through syphoning traits. Honestly it was incredible, and extremely fitting for Otto who basically became a God of Death.

Right after making the art of Otto's next outfit shit hit the fan hard, which made the very happy and cute expression in the picture just... completely unfitting for what happened. Otto grew up in a foster home along with their six other siblings, Everette(the eyeball ghost) being one of them, and raised by an old woman named Ingrid. They loved their home, and even after they reached the age they could move out to live on their own, they chose to stay and help take care of the home. Turns out, Ingrid has been a flesh puppet orchestrated by the "real" Ingrid, who was this powerful old Ascended(super powered humans basically) that wanted to keep Otto safe until everything came together for her to set off her plan to send them out into the Otherworlds(basically the dimensions that open up to the players when they become an Ascended, think of it like the "world map" name). Then it turned out Otto was taken at birth because Ingrid needed their blood to create an immunity to the BBEG's mind control effects, and used that to give to the other players. The reason Otto was immune at birth, is because their mom is the BBEG. So, it turned out Otto had been an Ascended all along, but their powers were suppressed and they've basically been lead down this path by their grandma. Otto's BBEG mom is the bottom right lady in the 6th picture with the white hair. Which was COMPLETELY UNINTENTIONAL OTTO'S HAIR HAS BEEN SLOWLY TURNING WHITE. I had begun the process since they became an Ascended, and then when we found that out I just... my reaction was just the surprised Pikachu meme. So we found out that the BBEG had been doing this for a while, having kids, and basically killing them and taking their power for herself. Before she had the chance to do that with Otto, Ingrid snatched them and went into hiding to start her whole revenge plot.

Anyways though, since then it's just been constant emotional turmoil of the party trying to grasp what the fuck is going on(again). But we're all having a great time. I mean between the emotional trauma. It's been hit after hit for our nb legend, their other bro was murdered along with one of their companions, they've been questioning their trust with the party, they had to defend their friend against another god of Death(who they ended up taking the powers up) and now that friend won't talk to them, and they're sort of just going through the motions. IN ALL THAT THOUGH, they did start getting close to one of the NPCs named Serfan that's been helping them out. They met because Serfan was hired to kill the party. :) Good times. He's in the group picture, if you look close enough you might be able to spot who he is.

AND FINALLY, THE LAST PICTURE, is how I imagined Otto's design progressing towards the end of the story. Tired, embracing their new self, and I thought they would just look cool with a big coat. Very regal feeling for someone that would take over restoring balance in the universe as a death god.

Anyways though thanks for reading! The game is currently on pause while one the players got busy over the summer. Hopefully we'll be returning to the game soon and finishing it up. Even after the game is done, I might still draw Otto. They've grown to be a fav.

[ahasiw-okitowin]

LOL OKAY I'm bed bound for the next while so I have all the time in the world to answer questions!!!

questions I think would be fun to be asked

1. what are 3 things you’d say shaped you into who you are?

   -trauma

   -disability

   -SpongeBob SquarePants

2. show us a picture of your handwriting?

Here's a look at my egg/hatchling log

3. 3 films you could watch for the rest of your life and not get bored of?

   -Jurassic Park

   -El Laberinto del Fauno

   -Event Horizon

4. what’s an inside joke you have with your family or friends?

When my eldest niece was a toddler, she would play dead when she didn't want to listen to her mum. She would close her eyes and stick her tongue out, all flopped over, it was so funny that we all started doing it. She's now 12 years old, and sometimes still when someone leaves a room we all play dead when they come back.

5. what made you start your blog?

I learned about tumblr through someone I used to do some makeup work for. He was a homestuck. I painted him grey multiple times. He was also a fucking dickhead.

Anyways, I think I originally made an account so I could follow a lolita blog... I think it was fyeahlolita or something like that. I used to wear lolita nearly every day when I was managing a Claire's, the kids loved it lol.

6. what’s the best and worst part of being online/a creator?

Best thing about the internet is the connection, I've made friends from all over the world and I will never not think that's magical!

Worst thing.... predators.

7. what scares you the most and why?

Recently the arthritis in my hands has been really bad, and my hands shake all the time. This has made it really hard to use my hands! My disease has already tanked my career and taken my mobility, if I lose the use of my hands I really don't know what I'll do. That terrifies me.

Side note, in high school musical theater class we were asked "what's your greatest fear". My autistic ass decided to answer completely honestly. Everyone was saying things like "clowns" or "needles" or "the ocean". My answer was "being kidnapped and held in a basement for decades and forced to bear the children of my captor". Yeah. Didn't go over well.

8. any reacquiring dreams?

I'm guessing this is supposed to say "recurring". I occasionally have a recurring dream, I've had it since childhood. I'm a little kid in bed, and one of those big excavator things, you know the ones with the long neck and the big shovel bucket, comes into my bedroom and is trying to GET me. I hide under the blanket, and suddenly the excavator gets big cartoon eyes and says "where'd you go? Wheeeeeeere'd you go?" When I come out of the blanket it gets all scary again and then repeats until I wake up.

9. tell a story about your childhood

I'll give you a funny one. When I was 4 or 5 I decided to run away. I packed up my backpack, my mum gave me 5 bucks and a sandwich, I hugged my baby sister goodbye and off I went into the world.

10 minutes later there's a knock at the door. It's me. My mum asks "what are you doing back so soon?" I reply, with tears in my eyes, "I missed my plane".

10. would you say you’re an emotional person?

Internally, very much so. Externally I can be very emotionally reserved, unless I'm around people I'm comfortable with.

11. what do you consider to be romance?

I don't really know how to define romance, to me it's just kind of a feeling, but I have an example of a moment that felt really romantic to me!

My crush wrote and recorded a song a little bit ago. He texted me one day and sent me the link for it. I clicked on the link and listened to the song, and realized that it had no views or subscribers, so I was the first one he showed it to! Mega romantic.

12. what’s some good advice you want to share?

-Pee after sex.

-Cotton undies are healthiest for your pussy.

-If you're a youngin' and some dude 5+ years older than you is showing interest in you, RUN.

13. what are you doing right now?

Lying in bed.

14. what’s something you’ve always wanted to do but maybe been to scared to do?

I don't think there's anything I've been too scared to do tbh. It takes a lot to scare me. I think most of the things I've wanted to do but haven't were just not financially accessible to me. I haven't done any travelling, there are places in the world I would like to go to, mostly for food purposes.

15. what do you think of when you hear the word “home”?

Recently the word home makes me think of the last house I lived in with my ex husband. I definitely still miss it sometimes.

16. if you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?

I wouldn't have lupus lol

17. name 3 things that make you happy

-cooking for someone and watching them enjoy it

-getting nerdy about music stuff

-picking up my Molly cat and giving her a big squeeze even though she hates it

18. do you believe in ghosts and/or aliens?

Yes, but not in the history channel way.

19. favourite thing about the day?

Sunshine on my skin

20. favourite things about the night?

The quiet

21. are you a spiritual person?

Extremely

22. say 3 things about someone you love

I'll choose my friend Sally.

-she's extremely accommodating of my accessibility needs

-she's an EXCELLENT communicator

-she has a great smile and a super contagious laugh

23. say 3 things about someone you hate

-he's not good at dancing

-he's not good at rapping

-he is a pipsqueak

24. what’s one thing you’re proud of yourself for?

This is a dangerous question for me; there is SO MUCH I'm proud of myself for. I'm proud of myself for managing to crawl out of the depression hole I was in a few months ago. I'm proud of myself for running a successful business despite being chronically ill. I'm proud of myself for learning to be confident and find a way to love myself. I'm proud of myself for having a big fat ass and ridiculously beautiful hair.

25. fave season and why?

Summer. It's powwow season and there's no cold to bother my joints or snow to make it hard to get around.

26. fave colour and why?

Generally my answer is purple and pink and rainbow and sparkles. Gay.

27. any nicknames?

Not really, people generally just use my name. Previously I've been called Kiki and Kitty in workplaces where the white people couldn't manage "Kida"

Yeah. I know.

A cute kind of nickname my nieces call me is "Mantie". It's a combination of "man" and "auntie". My eldest niece came up with it.

28. do you collect anything?

-rocks

-plastic dinosaurs

-vintage my little ponies and grand champions horse figures. I also restore them and it's really fun.

29. what do you do when you’re sad?

Recently? ABBA and crying.

30. what’s one thing that never fails to make you happy/happier?

My nieces. They're the best damn kids in the world.

31. are you messy or organised?

Organized. I can't function in mess.

32. how many tabs do you have open right now?

37. I cycle through and close them regularly.

33. any hobbies?

Many many hobbies. Beadwork, reptiles, isopods, singing, wire wrapping, powwow dancing, trying to get back into bellydance, we will see how my hips do

34. any pet peeves?

Bad manners. Being stared at. When my sister sings commercial jingles wrong.

35. do you trust easily?

No.

36. are you an open book or do you have walls up?

Bit of both. I'm generally very open about talking about trauma, disability, gender and sexuality etc. But showing the emotion behind those stories? Almost never. Only with very few trusted people. I don't like appearing vulnerable.

37. share a secret

Hmmmm..... dang I genuinely can't think of one. If I remember a secret I'll add it.

OH I've got one. When I was a kid we moved a lot. During a couple of our moves I left a letter behind to the new tenants with my new address, thinking it would be interesting to know who was living in our old house. No one ever wrote me :(

38. fave song at the moment?

Right now I'm really connecting with "Misunderstood" by Dream Theater. It's like 9 minutes long so be ready lol.

39. youtuber you’ve been obsessed with and why?

I really love Maangchi. Her videos are so peaceful and pleasant, and her recipes are genuinely delicious. I get her newsletter every month and it's DELIGHTFUL

40. any bad habits?

I chew the insides of my cheeks pretty bad. Sometimes I drink too much root beer and get a tummy ache.

HOO boy that's a lot of questions! I feel like after reading this people will know me pretty well. Thanks for asking @nimashkawizii

[evanbuckleysarms]

not to air out trauma on main - but I didn’t realize how much this Buckley reconciliation (note: reconciliation - not redemption) really meant to me until the second watch through.

going to put this under cut 

This arc is just so reflective of something so many people have done including myself. 

To steal a line from Maddie Buckley “My parents aren’t bad people, just bad parents”. I don’t think they expressed any real interest in my life after age, like, 10. Between my dad not being there to begin with, my mom trying to figure out how to rejoin the workforce and provide after the divorce, to all extra energy being devoted to my sister’s battle with heroin, there wasn’t time and energy for me or my brother. I almost didn’t graduate high school due to excessive absences and I don’t think they even noticed. Hell, my brother had to do summer school to graduate also due to excessive absence because my parents just weren’t present. My dad would leave us home alone for 30+ days to travel because he just assumed we could handle it. We even managed to hide secret pet cats in the house for six entire months before my dad realized we adopted pets under his nose.

Could they have done more? Absolutely. Did I resent them for a long long period of time? Absolutely.

My mom chose her new husband over us and changed the locks on her house without telling us. The “I don’t care enough” was very present and very loud.

Like, Maddie, I feel like my parents really started coming back in my life when I was in a stable long term relationship, I moved away, and I became successful in my career. 

They want a relationship now, they want to talk about us to their friends and claim a hand in my success. Which they did in a certain sense in that their neglect made me fight to be seen.

However, in spite of all of that - I’ve chosen to move past the neglect and hurt. Am I ever going to be close to them? No. Will they ever fly across the country to visit me? Maybe once every 5 years. But will I enjoy the time I spend with them over holidays. I am not here to seek their approval anymore, but I’m not here to fight either.  I’ve made the choice to leave the resentment and baggage behind as much as I can and try to start a new chapter with them. I don’t agree with the choices they made. I think they could have done more. They should have done more and we deserved more from them. But I understand now why they were the way they were. They *thought* they were doing their best. Similar to what Buck does though, I’ve accepted the past as what it was and have opened a new chapter with them as an adult. It’s not totally free of baggage, but I’ve moved past the resentment.

I think for many of us with bad parents, we end up on this road. We still have love in our hearts for our parents - whether people think we should or not. Being an adult and going through life adds another layer of understanding that things aren’t quite black and white. People make mistakes. People make bad choices. People make especially bad choices when they are overwhelmed with the life in front of them. My parents were going through a lot personally, which I recognize now, that led them to making very bad choices with their children. Life doesn’t exist in a vacuum. Not everyone needs to forgive their parents, but its such a personal choice to do so, and for so many people it is the right choice. I know it was for me.

Anyway this is long and I just have a lot of feelings about this emotional journey. I still don’t like the Buckley parents, but I sure do love this journey and arc for Buck and Maddie.

[fmdmichelle]

♡ 𝐇𝐈, 𝐄𝐕𝐄𝐑𝐘𝐎𝐍𝐄 !!  first of all, i hope the new year has been treating everyone well ! on a personal level, it’s been a little chaotic for me ( despite thinking everything would be so magically different in my life after the blur that was november to january 🤣 ), but i’m hopeful i can get my act together to be a better, and more active, member of this space with all of you. having been in famed for so long, it makes me sad that i haven’t put in as much of an effort to write with everyone here as i should, and going forward, it’s a genuine goal of mine to try and turn things around, and i want to extend an apology to anyone i’ve ghosted, or haven’t replied to, or followed-up with in regards to plotting, etc. it’s never my intention to do so, and i hope that i can prove to all of you through actions that i want to be better about consistency in all things famed-related ! so, if you’ll have me, my first step is pouring more love into michelle ( with jake & rioh to follow, of course ) ! with that said, i’d adore to get some new threads going and more plots brewing, and below the cut will be more info if you’re interested ! ♡

𝐍𝐎𝐓𝐄,

in regards to plotting, i prefer to brainstorm specific ideas that suit the muses at play; i feel like i’m much better at that than coming up with open plot-lines to be viewed and taken. however, if you have any wanted connections or plots that you want filled for your muses, i’d be more than happy to look through them ! i love doing that, too, so don’t hesitate to let me know if you have stuff up for grabs. 🥰 oh, and i have a discord i can give out, too. i tend to prefer plotting there as it’s easier for me to keep track of, but i’m happy either way !

𝐂𝐔𝐑𝐑𝐄𝐍𝐓𝐋𝐘...

michelle is in a rather confused state at the moment. in doing more of a deep dive on her off-dash, i’ve come to discover that she’s at a huge crossroads with her career right now. while she’s appreciative of all that she’s been able to accomplish in korea as a pop act, the façade of having to be an idol is weighing heavily on her shoulders. having been in the game for over a decade now, she’s becoming really bored of the same ol’ same. in her heart of hearts, she wants to transition into being known as an independent singer-songwriter; a talent that’s somehow been hiding behind the veneer of lily’s “michelle” for all this time. however, that comes with its own complications because she’s signed yet another contract with bc entertainment that she’s riding out, and she’s trying to figure out the best way to go about making this vision she has come true without rocking the boat too much. slow and steady wins the race, as she says.

on a positive note, this conflicting time period ( as well as other more personal life events ) has given her a dramatic boost in creativity. now more than ever, she’s been at her piano writing so much music. her heart is so full of emotions and her mind is, like, overwhelmingly loaded with ideas that the only way to rid of some of that weight on her shoulders is to purge them through song. over the last few years, she’s been finding her own sound as an independent artist, and she feels as though she’s developed it a lot in ways that she’s really confident in. in fact, she’s submitted her own piece to be used for the fm202.3 march release. it’ll be this anthem, if anyone’s curious !

throughout the last maybe like, six-months-to-a-year, she’s realized that she’s become really self-isolated from people and she’s wanting to not be anymore. after a lengthy phone call home with her uncle, she’s feeling the push to get out more, and connect with friends, and make new friends, or kiss girls and guys, and just... have a little more fun. she’s definitely more the type that prioritizes work over anything else, and that’s often to her detriment, but she’s forcing herself to leave her home for more than just work obligations now. i also know there are plenty of people in the industry she either wants to reconnect with, or get to know more, so there’s openings for plot ideas !

she also would adore to collab creatively with someone right now omg ! like, she’s feeling so fueled with ideas and wants to like, share them with people she trusts, or even people that she looks up to in order to hear their thoughts, or to learn from them if they’re more seasoned in the solo realm. that, and as someone who always wants to learn and improve ( total virgo in that sense ), i think she’d even enjoy getting in touch with the other singers to nerd out about vocal pedagogy and music theory in general. she misses doing that with her vocal coach back home in hell’s kitchen.

while it’s not a totally formulated thought or idea yet, she’s sort of interested in doing some musical acting. mostly because it reminds her of new york and seeing broadway shows from the seats all the way in the back of the theatre that one of her uncle’s friends could snag her. a part of her thinks that being involved in a project like that would push her out of her comfort zone and re-inspire her in some ways, but she’s timid about it still. she wants to make sure she has the time and mental space to handle it before committing to a full run in a show. though, if she does want to go through with it, i’m thinking of giving her the role of roxie in the musical “chicago” as an option. 👀 it just... seems fitting and works.

𝐈𝐍 𝐂𝐎𝐍𝐂𝐋𝐔𝐒𝐈𝐎𝐍...

there’s so much more i could say, but i don’t wanna make this too obnoxiously long. if you’re down to brainstorm or plot something with me/michelle, please show me some love by liking this post or messaging me ! i’d love to hear from you, and i do promise to be on my shit ab replies to im’s. you’re all more than welcome to kick my ass if i slip, too. 😅

[1cai-fleakz1]

My First Blog (Nov 21)

The reason I decided to start writing this today is because I feel like I've just really started understanding the importance documenting has to me in my life. About a year ago would've probably been a more interesting place to start from, considering how crazy my life was then. This is more the after story; the prolog to the main story. So since this is my first blog, I guess I'll start from there. However, it may take my a while to write this, so I guess I'm pulling an all nighter (I wish sleeping was optional). Anyways, here is my life starting from the beginning of freshman year..

[sometime around the first few days of school]

I had just dyed my hair blonde...possibly the worst choice I've ever made when it come to changing up my looks. I wanted some kind of change. I was tired of my miserable life. I felt so alone, and depressed all the damn time. I tried my best to hide it, but if I'm being so honest, I lost all social skills the summer of 2023. It was horrible. I had absolutely no friends. I was at my lowest in probably a while. I just remember trying my best to make friends online. I even made a few friends (who I still follow today on social media) on Roblox during that time. Trust me, I know how lame that sounds, but making friends online was my only outlet. It really was my only source of interacting with others. Like I said, I was at my lowest, so please keep any judgements to yourself. Anyways, I was just really emotional , and not mentally there during this time. So when school came around, I wasn't really ready for that. It kind of just hit me, but I tried my best. I even tried talking to people. Although, most of the people I was talking to were people I already knew at that point. Which wasn't the best crowd of people. These are the same people who ghosted me in eighth grade, and made me feel horrible about myself. Yup. I really didn't have anything together, I swear.

On the first day of school, I saw so many people who I wanted to become friends with. I was just too self conscious. I knew that everyone was perceiving me as some weirdo or loser, so I kept to myself for a bit. However, there was some people that made life a little more tolerable. All I wanted in that moment was for my best friend to move back, so we could be together again. She really was amazing. I miss her always. She helped me through so much.

Fast forward to November. I became closer with the person who is now the love of my life for the first time. They are perfect. I love her. She was my closest friend during this time. I had talked to them in Spanish class before, but out relationship really grew stronger by being in theater together. Joining theater was probably the best choice I've made for myself. I've met so many amazing people, and grew closer with a lot of them because of theater. And that's one way my love and I grew closer. The first show we performed for the fall play of 2023 was a show called O'horrors its Murders. It was such an amazing time. Now, I'm not usually one to glaze on the fall shows, but this one just had such amazing vibes. So much was happening. As my love and I grew closer, I started to develop feeling for her. I didn't even realize it at first. It just kind of hit me. These feelings grew stronger and stronger though. In December, I went through a whole era where I was so certain she didn't like me, because she would always talk about this one girl who was "so pretty". I was so jealous, and she wasn't even mine. It was the worst feeling ever. And the worst part is, that girl is stunning. I was so certain I didn't stand a chance. But my love didn't want her really, I guess. I don't know. That whole situation still confuses me sometimes, but whatever.

By January, I was positive that I wanted my love. I was determined. The reason i wasn't scared of competition then, was because they told me about how they didn't actually like that one girl. So I knew that I had to step up and do what needed to be done. January was very romantic and intense between me and her. I remember, she asked me out on a movie date in front of all their friends. I though that I was actually the last choice, and everyone else was going too, because they were all just standing there watching. So the next day, I asked her who was going, and she said "just us". When she said this, my heart nearly skipped a beat. It was so shocking to me, because I never thought MEEE... IIII ...would be having this kind of fairytale love story happening. We went to go see mean girls the musical in theaters when it first came out. I remember that it was a Thursday when this happened, by the way. That whole time, it was so insane. I started cuddling her. It was truly an IRL Y/N moment. Like WHAA..! Anyways.. the tension between us was just so high during this time. There was many other times we hung out too after and before this too.

(Another important thing to mention about January, is that this was the time my sister had left for the military, so from this point forward, she's not really here much. )

[now into February]

February was truly an amazing month. It was filled with so many interesting things. Now, I'm going to start this from Feb 13th. It was a day that I had pep band. I had wanted my love to go to many of the basketball games before, just so I could see her. I also wrote her a note confessing all my feeling to her, and I wanted to give it to her so badly, I just could never find the right time too. I was so too dang scared. Back to pep band though. I had told all my band buddies about how I really wanted to bag them, I was just so nervous. I couldn't stop thinking out them that whole basketball game. It was BAD. I was texting her too. She had posted something of their story saying, "who's going to be my valentine?". And I slid up saying, "I will!!", and then she said something on the lines of, "then do it." and I got SO nervous. Again, my heart skipped a beat here.

So now it is the next day (Valentine's day). And I have my note ready. I say to myself, "This is the day." When I first saw her in the morning, I got so nervous again, so I ran away. Which was really embarrassing of me to do (this is not the only time I do this). By the end of first period, I track her down, and I just slipped the note in her pocket, along with a heart-shaped lolipop, because I was too scared to tell her in person.. Once I slipped it in their pocket, I waved goodbye, and ran to band class. I then reported to all the band buds, and told them what I just did. I was literally shaking all of band class, because I was so nervous. During lunch time, my love texted me probably the dumbest text ( she'll never live down to this). It said, "wait do you like me platonically or romantically?" BRUHHHH!! Lock in !!! Obviously I'm in love with you.. But i just responded saying yes. A bit after that, she texted me that she likes me too.

The next stage was..seeing her in person during theater. At this point we moved onto another show. Which was the musical Mamma Mia. Again, when i saw my love, i ran away. sigh... I don't know why I did this.. anyways, once we finally go the chance to talk, we kept getting interrupted by randoms. But eventually we talked everything over. And my love then asked me to be hers. I said yes with absolutely no hesitation.

[fast forward a couple months]

We had been dating for a while at this point. All I can say is, It took me two months to kiss her on the lips, and a little bit after that,. I said I love you for the first time. By May, we had started going on more dates,, and in June she left for Vegas. This was the first time we had been apart for that long. They were in Vegas for a whole month, so everything we did was online for the month on June. When she came back in July, we had the most romantic, and beautiful date every at this one garden near me. It was the best day ever. My sister also visited home during this time too! That was so fun. I miss my sister so much everyday... sighhhh..

[now we time skip to now; present day]

This is where things start to get more in depth. But for today, I'm going to keep it shorter, since I've already written so much, and I'm getting kind of tired of it.. But today was so fun! 5th hour was normal, nothing interesting happened. I went to the library for SRT to work on my project for Spanish for two of my classmates. and band was normal today too. It snowed for the first time, and OMG I was so excited. I saw how much it had snowed from between 5th hour to 6th when I was walking to band, and my heart immediately felt joy and love and happiness. I love snow so much. Eighth hour was boring as always, but it went by faster today, which was good. After that, I went to theater. I had a lot of fun taking pictures today. I got a few really good shots. I'm going to start documenting the shows we do, and making little documentaries to show my friends once it's all over. I was playing cards with three friends, and my theater director yelled at us for it... grrrrrr... after theater, we went to the cast party, which was pretty fun. We took some cool shots, and ate some good food. I'd say a pretty good time! I'm now home, just writing this. I had homework to do actually. But it'll get itself don't, right?...Right..? Maybe not. I also need to prepare for the play. I got a main role in the student run show (only Sunday), called The Miss High School Beauty Pageant. I'm playing as a character called "Alex Crumb". The master of ceremonies. Fun. Now I need to learn my lines...Shows in two days by the way. Wish me luck with this role. Also my English test on Macbeth tomorrow..I'm so cooked.

goodnight, world!

[mangodestroyer]

Just watched a video about deprogramming after a toxic relationship. One of the points brought up is how your identity can become so repressed and you need to work on finding yourself again.

And this hits close to home because I've dealt with horrid emotional abuse, from various people, pretty much my whole life. Thankfully, I've cut some of these people out of my life and went low contact with others, and have been learning of ways to deal with it. But damn, you really do feel like you don't know yourself when you've put up with enough of it!

You're just so used to being shamed for who you are and spend so much of your life learning to be more "acceptable" and less "offensive" to others, for years, until one day, you realize your efforts will NEVER be enough. And it can be hard to realize that if you grew up being treated this way. And when you do grow up like this and realize this horrible reality about your relatives, you're still NOT immune to falling for it again with whoever you meet as an adult. Because idk about anyone else who's gone through something like this, but I still had lots of insecurities and unhealthy thinking patterns when I entered the adult world, and ended up attracting predators like a magnet.

And about a year ago, I remember being such a mess after breaking up with my toxic ex. Hating myself so much, thinking I was nothing but trouble and the world would be better off without me, having almost no ability to enjoy things, etc. I just remember sitting there and wondering where I went so wrong, why I keep attracting people into my life who hurt me, and wondering who I really was as a person. It was the first time in my life I realized that I didn't actually know myself all that well. All I knew was that this anxious, dysfunctional individual isn't the real me.

And then over the past year, I went from feeling uncomfortable in my own skin, to suddenly just... not giving a fuck if others aren't pleased with me.

I'm still not so sure if I've really "found" myself, but I have noticed in the past couple months that I'm starting to get into things that have been lifelong dreams since childhood (but I'd either forgotten I wanted to do these things or dismissed them). And I'm starting to get back into old interests that started getting repressed with the unhealthy relationships I'd formed in adulthood. And it's starting to feel easier to just do these things. I suddenly just really want to get busy doing them. I've even started pursuing the polyglot dream I've always had since I was a very young child. I'll be taking courses in German very soon, as a start. I've been cooking Asian food because I love trying foods from other cultures. And I've also started planning out ways I can visit other countries.

I kind of forgot that I'm naturally a more adventurous individual. But... you would have never guessed if you'd seen me a year ago. Or three years ago. I'd become a bit of a shut in and didn't have much of a desire to actually try things. Not even fun things if others offered to pay. I just couldn't find it in me to enjoy myself. Nothing sounded appealing to me if it wasn't laying in bed and... existing. Even that was just not that appealing to me. Sometimes I'd get engaged with something, but there was always something missing. I either couldn't enjoy whatever I was doing fully or I wouldn't keep interest for very long.

I think the thing that kills me the most to think about was how when I last visited my friend, I didn't even enjoy doing so all that much. Even though I really care about her and always had fun visiting. And... it wasn't like there was anything bad happening during the visit. I just wanted to hide from everyone most of the time. I had almost no energy to do stuff. And visiting made me lose energy and interest for the things I'd been doing before because, for some reason, it was just so overwhelming.

This was three years ago, right after dealing with my first job and my first attempt at college. Looking back, I think it was trauma making me act like that. My roommate was a pos and I recently came to the realization that she may have been grooming me, on top of being horribly emotionally abusive. Thankfully I didn't end up letting her in too much, but I almost did end up letting her become more involved in my life. And I'm worried that would have led to much worse consequences. It's not just me either. People told me they were creeped out by her and the people she associates with. They TOLD me to stay away from them. I didn't take it that seriously for the longest time. Now I realize I may have avoided s*xual abuse. But I think the grooming attempt and emotional abuse still fucked with me, in ways I hadn't even realized at the time. It was the first time in my life I suddenly felt uncomfortable with my own sexuality. I think I may have felt violated but didn't realize that either. And again, I was left a mess after the whole thing. Lots of anxiety and mental fog.

Trauma sucks. It's a bitch to work through all this. But I'm happy to see that there finally seems to be some noticeable, lasting progress. I'd actually say I improved a lot over the past year. Still have some work to do though.

[arent-i-the-fairest]

Could i possibly request hcs of the dorm leaders (or you can do the rest of the 1st years if its too much) of their progression of their crush on the prefect? Also love seeing a new gn only blog! Keep doing what you do! 💗

𝐛𝐥𝐨𝐨𝐦𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐟𝐞𝐞𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬 (𝟐)

author’s note : omg anon, i’m so sorry this took so long for me to finish!!! this ask is ancient— but waaaa~! tysm for the kind words, dear~~!! ｡ﾟ(ﾟ´ω`ﾟ)ﾟ｡

ace, deuce, and epel ver.

riddle rosehearts

initially, he was a bit wary of you; you’re friends with the two biggest troublemakers in his dorm, after all. but after seeing the three of you together one particular day, his interest in getting to know you more sparked. ace and deuce looking like they were about to get in some trouble, and you seemed to be trying to stop them— which confused him, because aren’t you a troublemaker too??

he comes to find you aren’t at all! and he’s ashamed in himself for making assumptions, because oh god, you’re so sweet?? fairly responsible (better than most of his dorm), funny, just all around likable!

soon enough, what he called a “small liking” to you quickly became a big big big crush as he got to know you even more~!

the sound of chatter took your attention away from the book you were reading. curious as to what the commotion was, you snuck over to the source of the sound— and lo and behold, it was riddle and a couple of students.

the same students you told earlier to brew and serve riddle black tea, when it was in fact supposed to be herbal tea. (not that you knew.)

“now, care to explain why you made the mistake you did?” riddle asked. “… cause the ramshackle prefect told us to—” “hmph! pinning the blame on them, are you?” riddle grumbled, raising his magic pen.

oh boy. emerging from your hiding place, you gave a little shout to grab their attention. “uhm— they’re in the right here. it was my fault.” you sheepishly admitted. “sorry, i should’ve read up on the rules.”

“they’re the ones in the dorm, they should have read up on the rules! in fact, they should have already known!” he argued. “there must still be punishment, i’m afraid.” you let out a sigh, giving the students an apologetic look. riddle’s expression softened for a moment, and you heard him mutter something.

“hm? did you say something, riddle?” “… i said ‘nevermind’. just don’t let this happen again.”

leona kingscholar

falling in love with you was a rollercoaster of emotions for him. at first, he found you annoying because it’s leona. of course he’s gonna find you irritating, just like he does with everyone else. but he realizes you’re… a pretty nice herbivore— still annoying though, don’t get him wrong!

but after spending lots of time with you (something he never knew he’d be okay with), it started the road to where he is now. one night, he’s laying in bed, tired. thinking about you. and suddenly, he’s wondering why lately he’s been finding you less annoying and more attractive. with that, he’s wide awake— has he?? fallen in love with a herbivore???

after being in some serious denial for like a week, trying to convince himself that no, he did not fall in love with you; he just huffs and accepts it. kind of. (he’s kind of mad about it.)

“the one time i’m willing to do some work, you aren’t?” leona huffed, tossing aside his pen and leaning back on his pillow. you took a moment to stop fanning yourself to glare at him.

“well, i’m sorry you chose for us to work in savanaclaw— one of the warmest places on campus! you know i don’t do well with heat!” you groaned, wiping sweat off your forehead. “i can hardly focus on anything other than the fact that i feel like i’m being roasted alive.”

“god, use your brain.” leona snickered. “there’s an obvious solution to your problem here. just take off your cloth—” he recoiled as he felt a slap on his face.

“.. i was just kidding.” he sighed, holding his now stinging cheek.

azul ashengrotto

ooh, you two kind of got off on the wrong foot— you didn’t really like him, as he did kinda-sorta scam some of your closest friends and take your dorm for a while. and was quite unapologetic about it.

things only started to change later when floyd tried making you two become friends; and wanting to appease floyd, you went along with it. it was looking unsuccessful at first— but surprisingly, things took a pleasant turn, and you actually got closer! he apologized for everything he did (though you couldn’t really tell if he was completely sorry) and you forgave him.

fast-forward a couple weeks in time, and your relationship has improved greatly. so greatly, he’s locked himself up in his office— face buried in his hands, heart beating quickly, and mind racing thinking about you.

“i can’t imagine how much of a wreck i look like right now.” azul sighed to himself, sitting up straight and looking at all the unfinished papers scattered across his desk. “look at me, allowing them to affect my work like this.”

if anyone ever told past-azul he’d be the lovesick type, he wouldn’t believe them. but here he is now. can anyone blame him though? everything about you is just so— gah, words can’t describe it! he could go on forever, but—

a loud knock nearly made him jump out of his seat. “hey boss! you’ve got someone interested in a contract~!” floyd shouted before running off. adjusting his coat, azul sighed. “i’ve got to get a grip.”

kalim al-asim

he developed a crush on you so fast! like, i’m talking caught and realized his feelings in just a week fast. but he did kinda spend almost every waking hour thinking about this (that’s not an exaggeration), so maybe that makes up for it. but let’s run through it!

day one— you meet, and it’s an instant friendship. day two. so much hanging out. he loves it! and you, but shh, he doesn’t realize that yet~! day three. more hanging out, but today, he’s curious why he feels so different around you than he does his other friends. day four. he consults his club-mates about his thoughts, and they suggest that he might have feelings for you. and he goes, “woahhh no way! that’s crazy, me ‘n them are just friends”

but right afterwards, on day five, he’s like “oh….. maybe they were onto something”— and he kept on getting distracted all day thinking about it. explains why he seemed so off that day. day six, he’s squealing because omg!!! he’s got a crush!! that’s so exciting!!!! and here comes day seven, where he’s officially labeled you as the love of his life.

“jamiiil! is one week too quick to decide you’re in love with someone?” kalim asked for, like, the fourth time on this day alone.

resisting the urge to groan, jamil just started sweeping the floor faster so that he could finish and get out of the room, then go and tend to other chores— alone. with no more repetitive questions from kalim.

“well, personally, i belie—” “yeah, it isn’t, right? that’s what i think too!” kalim grinned. “or.. maybe it has been too short of time to tell. gah, i don’t know!” he sighed, hitting his forehead against the table.

“lots of my friends have been telling me it is, but you know what, jamil?” dead silence from jamil. “i think they’re wrong. i trust my feelings! i can say with confidence that i’m in love with them!”

vil schoenheit

changing the pace from kalim— it took him forever to develop and realize his feelings for you. (vil prefers to really take his time with things like this!)

but it took you guys so long to even talk for the first time. you acknowledged each other before then, sure! he knew you, he’s seen you running around, and you knew him since he’s a dorm leader. and a model. and an actor. but neither of you ever really found the need to talk— there was no interest to.

but things changed once vdc came along. since vil was going to be staying in your dorm for a while, you found it fit to try and get along— and it was pretty rough. but hey, things got better, and you two had something going!

after a (long) while, he grew to quite like your company~ and you as a whole. it’s likely you’ll be getting a confession soon, now that he’s really thought his feelings through!

“done!” you grin, pushing aside all the brushes you used to apply vil’s makeup. you took a step back and looked at the finished product— only to realize it was not your best work. yikes.

“this better look good, dear. i won’t be very pleased if my products went to waste.” he tsked, grabbing his handheld mirror. you held your breath as you watched him look at himself from different angles, his face scrunching up.

“seems you didn’t apply the foundation evenly— and the way you blended the eyeshadow looks rather… muddy. didn’t i also tell you not to use too much blush?” vil huffed as he grabbed some makeup remover wipes.

“i’ll wash this off and we’ll start again. this time, i’ll guide you on each step. and by the way, i’d prefer for you to stand a little closer to me.” “w-wha—?” “if you do, you’ll be able to see what you’re doing better.”

idia shroud

he wasn’t expecting for azul to introduce him to you, the board game club’s newest member— and he definitely wasn’t expecting to develop a crush on you.

truthfully, you irritated him at first. you always went out of your way to talk to him, even thought you know he’s an awkward introvert— how cruel can you be? the conversations were always extremely one sided and he would be begging for you to take a hint in his head. but for some reason, he felt like you were growing on him.

when he finally became more comfortable, he started engaging in your conversations more. that was when things really hit off. he was excited to see you actually showing interest in the things he liked, and he enjoyed learning more about you— soon; he even started inviting you over to his room. (which by the way, that? that is like, the biggest sign you can get from him that he likes you.)

“you really haven’t seen this anime yet?” you shook your head and he started giggling to himself. “hehehee! nor~mieee.” he mocked, pointing a finger at you.

“idia, that anime is super obscure— you’re probably the only one who’s seen it!” “ahem, me and ortho.” he corrected. “but we can make it 3 people who’ve watched it.” he said, clicking on the show. “only 1 season, 12 episodes long. wanna binge watch it?”

“… it’s almost midnight, by the time we’re done, it’s gonna be about 5 in the morning.”

“and?” he smirked and you shook your head, finally giving in. “sometimes i wonder if you care about academics at all.” you sighed, scooting up beside him. “alright, i’ll watch it with you.”

malleus draconia

similar to canon, he found himself interested in you when you showed no fear whatsoever towards him. it’s strange enough to him you have no clue who he is, but know him or not, he usually has people cowering before him with his aura alone.

but a friendship formed, and he started caught feelings very early. and man, was it intense! it all just hit him at once— but those feelings strengthened when you happened to find out he wasn’t this normal “tsunotarou” (or hornton, as twst en would say) guy but malleus draconia. and you weren’t scared— in fact, you didn’t care at all!! he was ecstatic!!

he treasures his relationship with you so greatly, he’s so happy that there’s someone who treats him like… just a regular guy, which sounds strange— what i mean is that you don’t fear him or put him on this crazy high pedestal. you two just hang out and vibe with his tamagotchi (gaogao drakon <33) like pals (sooner or later, lovers) do.

you blew at your cup of steaming hot tea, trying your best to ignore malleus’ staring. he seemed deep in thought, and while you felt bad for breaking his train of thought, you couldn’t bear another second of this uncomfortable silence.

“you, ah, seem like you have something on your mind. do you wanna talk about it?” you asked, snapping him out of his trance.

he gave you a soft smile. “it’s nothing to worry about. i was just thinking of our friendship.” surprised, your grip on your teacups handle loosened a bit, making you spill some of the drink on the table.

“oh— sorry, sorry!” you gasped, grabbing some napkins. “you just caught me by surprise. i never took you as the sentimental type, mal!” but when you looked up at him, he was already off deep in thought once again.

[thinkingjasico]

Here I am again to talk about Midnight Rain vs Jasico

(for those who doesn't know, Midnight Rain is a Taylor Swift song). I know we always put jasico like this: Jason as sunshine and Nico as midnight rain, because of their looks and some things in their personalities, but hear me out… I actually think it's the other way around

Jason insisted that he and Nico should be friends and that Nico open up to him, and that makes it seem like Jason is the person in this relationship who opens up easily and Nico is the person who shuts down and hides his emotions (and he really is). But after Nico opened up to Jason and they became friends, I believe it was easier for Nico to tell Jason about the things he went through, about his nightmares, Tartarus, traumas, abandonment… basically, everything. Because he trusts Jason and he doesn't open up like that to anyone else. BUT I believe that even trusting Nico like in no one else, and knowing that Nico was the first person to love him without thinking of him as the son of Jupiter or because of false memories, Jason still can't open up. Not because he doesn't trust, but simply because he was raised to be the perfect hero who can't show weakness, and so every time he thinks to vent he thinks that what Nico went through is worse, and that what he went through is nothing much, and that he has no right to feel sad.

Then Nico starts to fall in love with him and Jason starts to fall in love with Nico, but it's a feeling that scares both of them. But Nico trusts Jason, and wants a quiet life for the first time in his life with the boy he loves, because he realizes that Jason might be liking him back. But Jason can't open up, can't allow himself to be vulnerable, and doesn't feel worthy of Nico. He wanted it comfortable, I wanted that pain.

And another point is that Jason did not like Camp Jupiter and its rules. That was not his home. My town was a wasteland, full of cages, full of fences, pageant queens and big pretenders. But for some, it was paradise.

And Jason at one point knows that Nico loves him too, but he can't bring himself to believe that he deserves that, because he believes that Nico deserves a person like Will who is easy and uncomplicated. So he leaves, studies to build the shrines and ends up dying a hero saving Apollo, Piper and Meg. And Nico stays behind with Will, building a life the way Jason wanted him to have it, even if it means Nico will never have the person he truly loved. He wanted a bride I was making my own name, chasing that fame, he stayed the same, all of me changed like midnight.

And another point that stuck with me the most. I know that Nico's life sucks too, but when it comes to family, Nico's life is a little less shitty than Jason's. Nico has a relationship with his father, he sees him when he wants and after getting over Bianca's death, Hades takes care of Nico and really cares about him. Not to mention that Nico had Bianca in his life for years, and a few years after her death he meets Hazel. And Maria was a caring mother who loved her children and died trying to stay with them and protect them. While Jason never even saw his father before the battle and never saw him again afterward. His mother lied to him and turned him over to the wolves and Juno. Jason barely had memories of his sister and when he met her again they couldn't even have a relationship because she was a hunter. And the goddess he was given to treated him like an object. At camp everyone saw him as a hero who should fulfill his role, not as a person (even Reyna says that she was first interested in Jason because he was a strong warrior and Praetor). So when Jason sees Nico with Hazel, or hears his stories about his father, he's really happy for him but can't help but feel a bitter taste because he never had any of this. Jason just didn't learn how to love, and that's why he also believes that Nico deserves someone who knows how to give that love to him and be part of his family, not someone who doesn't even know what that is. It came like a postcard, picture perfect, shiny family, holiday, peppermint candy. But for him it's every day. So I peered through a window, a deep portal, time travel, all the love we unravel, and the life I gave away.

And in the end, after Jason dies, Nico is left behind with Will. He doesn't allow himself to think about Jason or he will fall into that almost irreversible grief. But sometimes, like when he sees the picture Rachel painted, or in his dream about the mission with Cupid- Nico has no choice but to think about Jason, miss him absurdly, and know he'll never be able to live with him the way he wanted. But he has his life with Will, and that's enough… isn't it? Nico always wanted someone to love him like that, and he likes Will, and their relationship is easy. So that should be enough, shouldn't it? But Jason will always the biggest "what if" of his life (let me just add cardigan here: But I knew you'd linger like a tattoo kiss. I knew you'd haunt all of my what-ifs). I guess sometimes we all get just what we wanted. And he never thinks of me, except when I'm on TV

And Jason doesn't allow himself to think about Nico while he's in Elysium. Because that's the biggest regret of his life: not trying, not allowing himself to be happy with Nico. But when Jason is in Hades' palace helping him with renovations to improve the Underworld (there's a fic that has that but I don't remember the name right now, sorry guys)- Jason can't help but think about Nico, and even though he's the one who died and that could haunt Nico forever, Jason is the one who feels haunted by the memories and regret of what he gave up. I guess sometimes we all get, some kind of haunted. And I never think of him, except on midnights like this.