#ANYWAY. my point is. i wasnt even catholic and look what it did to me 😭

[softness-and-shattering]

Is stand by my original thought; Lilith deserves better than Adriel, than being anyone's right hand. The whole time Im like girl what are you doing, I hope youre playing him but you dont seem like it. Especially that wing-embrace implication that they were sleeping together, tell me you had a plan in the wings!

The other thing is just a general tv timing thing. Ava wakes up from the crown-sleep, cut to her outside so Miguel can leisurely walk up and have a conversation. Then mission briefing, "we're leaving immediately get armed" but we have time for a slow poignant scene of Michael and Jillian saying goodbye. Im not complaining it was a good scene, its just a little funny.

Definitely appreciate how Vincent is handled, I have to hope they dont now kill him off. Surpising grasp of teshuva for such a catholic show.

Michael deserves better.

Its also kind of funny that in all the planning no one including vincent said "hey BTW Lilith is super powerful and hanging around Adriel now", they had zero plan or even consideration for her, like yeah that'll go well.

Poor Bea 😭😭😭. And its very nicely done that Ava would be put in mortal peril in the exact way we saw Shannon die in episode one. Excellent foreshadowing and also ouch.

Last thing for now, did Reya have Ava's face or do they just look similar?

(And how has Adriel never dealt with a Tarrask before? Didnt he bring some into earth in the five minutes he had Ava kidnapped?)

Interesting that theyre setting up for even bigger stakes, then got cancelled, then got renewed, because its not a 'finish up the story' situation, not if its done well. You have to deliver on those higher stakes and then fulfill that emotionally.

Though honestly, sometimes.bigger stakes dont work and whats needed is more personal stakes. Curious to see how this goes on now.

Bea and Ava too, I could see the chemistry but I wasnt fully sold till the last couple episodes. Also bea you coward (affectionate) tell her you love her where she can hear you!! Youre basically telling Lilith at this point! I mean you did hold her while she died and also kissed her so I guess i can forgive.

Oh and I really liked, given the themes of religion and coercion and etc, how many times Ava checked in with Michael, gave him a bunch of opportunities to back away, "we have a million choices". Dont see much of that in Fated To Be The Hero stories. Really cements in their sacrifices, they considered other options, they made the choice to go forward anyway.

[lapdogchase]

i just found out gerard was raised catholic oh it all makes sense now oh gods

YEAH. catholicism will do that to a guy

[kits-weirdass-dream-journal]

Date of origin: 6/5/21

i was walking home (to my current home) from the private catholic school nearby (even though ive never been there and dont even know what it looks like) and i had the miscellaneous background info that my parents were important people. when i got off the bus there was a guy in front of me, and we travelled the same direction for a while. Along that path though, instead of ever passing the 7eleven, or making the turn that takes me home, the path changed and i wound up in a park of some sort. there was a 5 foot stone wall to my left, which i could see held back earth instead of marking any sort of divide. I could see tree roots and grass sprouting from the top of it. On the other side of me there was an equal but inverse drop to a shallow wide-creek or small-river on my right. Under the surface of the water there were maybe 1 or 2 feet to the shallow, rocky land, and there where trees and rocks sticking out pretty frequently. the path was narrow, and there was an intersecting path where bicyclists would whiz around at dangerous speeds. I knew this because they did so, and i nearly had a heart attack with how tight the turn was, how fast they were going, how narrow the path was, and how little they seemed to care there was a Person Right Here!!! Anyway, after a little bit i started to feel lost, but then i saw the river and said aloud "oh! i know where this is, the waterfall is just there..." but as i trailed off, i saw the space i thought should be waterfall was nothing of the sort, and the river coninues placidly on. also, the guy in front of me turned and said "what?" clearly confused at any mention of a waterfall. i continued to feel lost, doubting myself, and considered turning back- but then my dream skipped/glitched and doubled that part of the memory and i caught up to that moment knowing ive done this before, but instead believing i had passed this point a previous day and assuming i must have gotten home safe at that time. so i continued forward for a while more, until the guy in front of me reached a manmade tunnel or structure. It had a squarish enterance made of stacked stones, with a second similar enterance further down and on the side facing the water. It was somewhat reminiscent of a mine tunnel how the square enterance seems to go back into the darkness. I then realized, as athe man in front of me turned around and started to approach me, that by continuing on when i felt lost, i basically kidnapped myself. I ended up sitting in the tunnel as my kidnapper waited for his accomplice. when the second man (who had been tailing me in case i turned around or was noncompliant) showed up, they had a disagreement. i overheard "paint the body blue and dump it" and was unsure if that was literal (meaning paint it blue so its hard to find in the water, maybe?), or if it was a shortened way of saying "use the agreed-upon method of making the body seem to have been dead for longer than it has" or something else. but regardless, i knew they were going to dump me in the river/lake. there was a door at water level next to me, and i realized- if theres no waterfall but there is a current, i can use it to escape assuming i dont freeze first. so, i shed my books and bags and lept out the door. i waded first, runing with the current and trying not to fall. it was frigid but i could handle it. like cold™ not real cold. i was moving fast enough, but slower than i thought i would, and the only reason i wasnt about to be caught was bc the kidnappers were wusses who didnt wanna get wet. i was scared that floating would make me go slower, but the fact is my biggest reservation was it would mean losing control over where i went and losing the ability to watch my pursuers. scared though i was, i wagered on the current and lay into the water like the lady of shalott, and trusted it to carry my swiftly to where i needed to be. 

and it worked! i could sometimes see the path i had just been walking, out of the corner of my eye, and eventually i reached a warehouse where i knew people worked. i dont remember getting out of the water, or going inside and drying off, but at this point i was floating even in the air for some reason. i was still scared of the kidnappers, but i didn't think theyd try and take me from such a crowded space, unless they use robotic bees (which was apparently a concern of mine). i met a nice woman. i met a "friend of the family" who i dont know irl but i can remember quite clearly from the dream, which is odd. he was wearing overalls, he was hipanic, he had a wide round face, small eyes, and a round nose. i hugged him tightly. he didnt  talk much, and in fact its his voice that was implied more than heard, inverse to the usual dream people. the shelving of the warehouse was very effective for helping me move, as i was existing in more dimensions than i was used to and it allowed me to move through the space without drifting out. eventually the nice woman brought me to a forklift, because it was effectively armour for me, and it was closed on all sides so i couldnt drift off and noone could get in at me.  

i remember seeing a gap between the wire mesh of the doors window, and the steel grid of the cab. I saw this gap and got worried about robotic bees getting in. Then i woke up. 

[desticuleconfessions]

hey desticule. so i have a supernatural-themed girl best friends story that i’ve wanted to share for a long time, especially because none of my irl friends ever rly understood the gravity of this experience w/o the context of spn. there’s a lot of fun parallels to stuff on the show, and its given me like years of brain rot and therapy lmao. so i really deeply appreciate this page as an outlet, thank you so much to the mods for making it. anyways uh. here goes. sorry it’s so long.

[tw: queer trauma, religious trauma, mental illness]

okay so. in 3rd grade i met this girl. we'll call her kate. we became best friends, as in our names were never spoken separately, we did (and won) every science fair together, she came skiing with my family every winter, i stayed with her family at their beach house in the summers, our younger siblings were friends, etc.

our birthdays were exactly 6 months apart (jan 22/jul 22) so we literally believed that we were celestially intertwined.

we wrote a novel together in 8th grade. her family is baptist, we attended massachusetts catholic schools. i would go to church with her family when i slept over, i held hands and said grace with them at meals. they are all tall and blonde and beautiful. classically angelic. i am south asian. i remember introducing her to harry potter in the 4th grade, her mother hadn't let her read em because it was "blasphemous", but i snuck her my copies and she would read them during lunch n recess and keep them in my locker. sorry this seems like a lot of unnecessary detail but it will be important later.

anyways we both got into doctor who and subsequentally supernatural (s1-8?9 at the time). i specifically remember getting her into supernatural. i also remember her instinctive disdain for destiel when i talked about it, i was showing her a meta or fanfic i think, and i talked her through undoing some of her christian household’s internalized homophobia (fully assuming we were both straight at this point) (we were fucking 12). we'd do the whole "bitch" "jerk" thing, i (the older one) affectionately called her 'sammy', her phone password was dean, mine was cas (and they still are). on my 13th birthday, she gifted me a samulet, which i still wear to this day. (additionally, she gave me a vonnegut 'so it goes' necklace one year) (thats not vital but) (goes to show the extent of my dean coding) (im also an aquarius lmao). im highly protective of her. i carry extra rubber bands on my wrist for her. i keep our money and phones in my jacket when the school takes us skiing. i sit next to her in the halls during lunch and organize her binder. on an 8th grade field trip, a boy made a gross comment at her and i broke his nose.

so we start high school together at coed catholic school nearby, i join debate, make a friend also into spn, she's bi. she asks kate out over text. kate's mom sees this. things turn.

now the rest of these things happened over the course of a couple months and due to my trauma memory loss, i have no idea how accurate some of these memories are so uh. don't hold me to them.

- her highly religious mother is not happy with this obviously. at some point, she brings a priest home and tries to have kate exorcised.

- at this point, we learn that kate is schizophrenic; it never seemed to create noticeable issues before bc her home life and childhood was a perfect happy dream (not an assumption, her words).

- she's still coming to school, sporadically now, i bring home her work, spend hours helping her.

- when she comes to school, she has seizures: sometimes we're fortunate enough that they happen in a class we have together. she freezes up and the teacher empties the room. i refuse to leave. i hold her hand and softly sing her favorite song and sometimes she comes back to me. sometimes she doesn’t and the bell rings and the teacher forces me to leave and let the nurse handle it.

- another time they announce a medical lockdown (to keep ppl out of the hallway if someone is being escorted to an ambulance) while im in catholicism class, i immediately know it’s her; she fainted in the pool during swim team practice.

- i stay awake for 6 days straight bc i read online that sleep deprivation induces some of the same symptoms as schizophrenia and if i could understand what she was going through, i could help her

- she shows up at my house w both of her parents 15 minutes before the winter ball, begs me to go bc her parents will only let her if i go. so i do. her mom lurks by the gym doors with the chaperones. during a slow song, kate and debate girl start to slow dance, i grab our friend’s hand, drag him in front of them so her mom can’t see and make out with him.

- i wanted to tell her to stop but i was too afraid i would lose us, that it would seem like i was homophobic or i was jealous, but i knew her in my marrow and it didn’t seem like she was in love or into the relationship, it was willful self destruction

- we talked in the last few years, she confirmed this.

- at some point, she says she’s sorry she didn’t tell me about the voices before.

- when we talk, she’s not her anymore, she doesn’t remember our inside jokes, our codes, i can feel her being slowly ripped away and apart in real time

- i have a vivid memory of arguing with her and her telling me im not real, that her mind made me up, while occasionally speaking to something? someone? else in the room. i hold her hand and point to the matching thin scars on our thumbs and try to convince her im real.

- she eventually drops out entirely, taken to some mental facility that im not entirely sure wasnt conversion therapy (it was definitely a religious facility) (and conversion therapy was not outlawed in new hampshire until 2019) and im not allowed to see her.

- every now and then i get cryptic distressing emails or texts from her.

- one in particular has the subject, “youandiwalkafragilelineihaveknownitallthistimebutineverthoughtidlivetoseeitbreak” which is the first line of the song ‘haunted’ by taylor swift (our shared favorite)(the summer after this happened we collectively decided we needed a new swift Our Song and chose ‘breathe’). the body of the email read “what the hell have i done”

- i pray for the first time in my life, every single day for a few months, in different languages, at temple with my parents, in the chapel at school

- on a club trip, i get a call at 2am from her, crying, asking me why i didn’t help her, why i didn’t stop her, that it was my job to protect her

here’s something i wrote about her, three yrs after:

I wasn’t careful enough and she caught quickly. She burned so close and so bright that for long afterwards, I could not see. And like that, she was gone. I walked into the chapel. Mea culpa. Mea culpa. Mea maxima culpa.

[that last line is from the latin version for a catholic prayer called the act of contrition, it translates to “through my fault, through my fault, through my most grievous fault”]

in the fall, i hear she’s starting at a small baptist school almost an hour from her house. she is dating the principal’s son. the principal is also her pastor.

in my second year of college, i have a bad acid trip in a snowy park in december. i put my hands into the snow and when i look at them,i see blood. i see her body in the snow adorned like it’s a funeral

i still have dreams about her. sometimes i meet her in a grassy field, flying kites and i invite her to my wedding. in others, i catch a glimpse of her ponytail and catholic school skirt and chase her up eight flights of stairs and when i grab her hand, she turns to ash.

at some point in a separate argument w my parents in which they went through my texts and found out i wasn’t straight (amongst other things) my dad says:“i knew i should’ve listened to [kate’s dad] when he told me the things you would talk about. he knew what you are. and he took his daughter away from you.”

last christmas we met up and drove around together, she tells me that for years she thought i hated her for letting me down and for abandoning me, and i literally have the dean winchester in ‘sacrifice’ five stages of grief when sam says “you know what i confessed in there?” because i could not even begin to fathom that she ever blamed herself. it had always been my fault. i had failed to save her. i corrupted her and i failed to save her.

anyways she’s fine now, she’s okay, im okay, we’ve talked and unpacked and we’re alright. but uh. yeah. that happened. the parallels make me crazy. now they can make you crazy too.

‎

[theworldsoul]

Uhh warning VENT!!! Talks about self harm and shit... also religious bullshit and gender bullshit??? Like I'm really trans and also Catholicism really fucked me up so if ur uncomfy with that just... skip this post. Also if ur Christian and can't handle seeing ur shit defaced then skip this post. Also if ur gonna clown on this post as "cringe atheism" then fuck you because I'm literally coping with pain lol

:readmore:

Anways now that the disclaimer is over... here comes the real shit.

I... have been going through a LOT lately, jesus christ. I was HAPPY today, yknow? I thought I was gonna be happy the whole day.

I was dancing today. That's how happy I was. For the first time in like... a whole year... I was really so happy. I thought I was gonna cry. But then I got home. And well,,,, I did cry. But not from happiness. I just got my math grade back. A fucking 49 percent. MY AVERAGE RIGHT NOW IS A 57 PERCENT. I MIGHT FAIL MATH 20. I MIGHT HAVE TO RETAKE IT. oh my god I'm such a failure I cant do anything ever i try SO fucking hard but honestly??? I cant fucking do this. I can't, I'm not mentally capable. "Just work harder"... BITCH I AM WORKING AS HARD AS I CAN. I AM SPENDING HOURS AND HOURS OF MY LIFE STUDYING AND PRACTICING. I'm starting to think that how hard i try doesn't even fucking matter because I'm STUPID and all i know how to do is PAINT SHIT!!!! NOBODY CARES ABOUT ART!!!! IF I FAIL THIS CLASS I MIGHT NOT BE ABLE TO HAVE A HOUSE IN THE FUTURE!!!! A HOUSE!!!!!

I dont even want to be a fucking orthodontist. Okay??? I wanna do what I love: painting. But NOOOO. I have to get a "respectable" job that will "pay me enough money to live". WHY SHOULD I HAVE TO MAKE MONEY TO LIVE??? WTF??? THATS LITERALLY SO FUCKED UP. everyone deserves to live (unless they like murdered someone? I guess? Idk) BUT LIKE I DIDNT KILL NO ONE SO WHATS ALL THIS BS ABOUT WORKING TO LIVE???? WTF??? I rly gotta do all this shit I hate, all this shit I'm mentally incapable of doing... so i can have a house. Fuck this. Yknow with my average at a 57... I might fail this class even if I get a really good grade on my next quiz. Can you fucking believe it??? I'm literally so fucking stupid I cant even pass a dumb fucking math class god i hate myself. I cant fail this class. I've NEVER failed a class. Almost failed... but never HAD TO RETAKE A CLASS. that's the ultimate failure. I think my parents would hate me if I failed this.

And on top of that... I'm really struggling with uhhh, dysphoria and body image... and it's so fucking horrible man I want to rip all my skin off I want to suffocate god I want to KILL him I want to MAKE HIM SUFFER. I want to gouge his eyes out and force him to eat them. WHY WOULD HE MAKE ME LIKE THIS????? WHY????? WHATS THE POINT IN MAKING A CHILD SUFFER SO MUCH???

What did I ever do that was so wrong I deserved all this punishment???

Well FUCK YOU and fuck your stupid book and FUCK THESE STUPID FUCKING SAINTS. WASNT THERE SUPPOSED TO BE A WHOLEASS ANGEL WATCHING OVER ME?? PROTECTING ME??? WHERE THE FUCK IS THAT BITCH NOW?? WHERE WAS THAT BITCH WHEN... when I was being bullied? When I literally wanted to kill myself?

Where was that guardian angel when I kept making THE SAME MISTAKE over and over again and I KNEW it was wrong but I kept doing it anyways because it was the only way I could feel like soemone cared about me????

I bet that angel motherufcker KNEW they didnt care. DID THE ANGEL EVER ONCE HELP ME??? NOOOO. all those times I was bruised and broken... all those times...

Man, I was just a kid. I was SO fucking young. And I would come like a lamb to the slaughter and kneel. I would pray... ask for guidance. I would pray the rosary too, I would read the bible and try my very best to understand it, I would go to church and volunteer at church and do my best to be a Good Boy and never sin. I did EVERYTHING right. I literally fasted at some point, like a religious fast. I was devoted...

Honestly though? I think it was the same mistake I make over and over again, except not with a real person.

And you have me NOTHING. GO GIRL, GIVE US NOTHING!!!!!!! I literally used to self-punish for the sins I couldnt bring myself to confess. At my communion, there was one sin I didn't tell because I knew it was unforgivable. I still hate myself for that. But man, I used to try and do all sorts of things to somehow cleanse myself of it. I figured THAT whole ordeal was why I was constantly being tortured.

But I was stupid and I am stupid and that makes NO SENSE because if the thing I'm being punished for happened when I was a child, WHY DID THE PUNISHMENT BEGIN AT MY BIRTH????

They used to tell me that god handcrafted every part of me specifically for some sort of grand reason.

Why.

Really? This bitch really "handcrafted" me just so I could cry and cut myself nearly every night??? Fuck that. Like why would you make me this way. It hurts more than you can IMAGINE. The only reason I'm not dead yet is because of ME, MY strength, not any of the bullshit YOU gave me. I hate when people say "oh, god made u so hardworking" or "oh, god made you so passionate/hopeful/full of love/fiery/whatever" LIKE STFU BITCH THAT WAS NOT SKYDADDY THAT WAS ME!!!

you wanna know what he made me?

dysphoric, ugly af, yeah.... but the worst part?

He made me feel.

That doesn't sound bad, right? Well it's the worst thing on the list. It is my downfall, my Achilles heel or whatever. This emotions shit??? It RUINED my life. My whole life I was cursed with a fucking monster inside me. I kept trying to tell everyone that it wasnt me!!! I kept telling them that it felt like I was being possessed. But adults are SHIT. I hate adults. I want to kill them all. They failed me and their god failed me. None of them every listened to me. All they knew how to do was punish, punish, punish.

It's like giving an allergic kid some peanuts and then getting angry at them for going into anaphylactic shock or whatever. Nobody ever thought "hey, why don't we stop giving the kid peanuts?"

ALL THE ADULTS AROUND ME ACT LIKE CHILDREN AND THEY ALWAYS HAVE ACTED LIKE CHILDREN FUCK ADULTS

Anwyays that's how I ended up with all these unresolved issues,.... emotion is a tough one, like I literally dont have the ability to control my emotions at all, I can try and like, repress them but I cant make myself actually feel less.

My emotion hurts more than anyone else's and nobody ever understood that. I would tell them that it hurts, it PHYSICALLY HURTS, and they would say I just wanted attention. I would tell them I literally couldnt control what my body said and did, I would tell them I felt like A PUPPET ON STRINGS and no one believed me. Fuck them.

Healthy coping mechanisms? I literally self ship with Snape to cope. I literally self ship with characters my brain made up and put in my dreams to cope. I used to hurt myself so much trying to feel loved and cared about irl. Fiction is so much better. I sound like a loser but its TRUE. The sort of thing I need, the sort of love I need is like... a parent. You can't go looking for a parent in a romantic partner, it fucks everything up and you end up... well, let's just say it proabbly wasnt the most legal thing, but I wasnt thinking strisght at all I mean dude I was So fucked in my head when I did all that...whatever...anyways so thank u for fiction!!! I love fiction. Want to kill someone? Draw it. Then you'll feel much better!!! And you dont go to jail!!!

Well the pics here... idk, it was really calming to do this. It's new, painting over religious shit. I was gonna do the whole bible but I already burnt that shit so.... and I was going to cut but I'm trying really hard to stay clean... like really hard. It's so weird and like, addicting, once I hit styro I don't want to stop, but also it kinda transfers the emotional pain to physical pain, making it way easier to deal with. I just can't keep doing that because I KNOW it's bad and look I thoguht I was clean for a whole year but then I fucked up and WOW, GUESS WHAT MADE ME RELAPSE??? MATH CLASS!!!!

Whatever anyways here are my wonderful works of art I made while crying and cursing god (like I'm so pissed at all this catholic bs I believed in him again just to swear at him lol)

.... but imagine for a moment, a better world. One in whcih these saints whose images I've defaced are actually good people... a world in which they SEE ME AND THEY HEAR ME... and I go unpunished.... and I am embraced by someone who UNDERSTANDS.

I think I would cry.

Too bad that world doesnt exist and I just made it up to try and feel a bit better. Whatever, whatever. I painted the things, they're gonna dry. I work hard, I'm gonna do good on my quiz, I hope. I just have to be making it through, that's all it is, work work work without a break but I can proabbly do it. I'm really slipping I admit like the mental health is slipping it's getting worse like I havent had a "fuck I am afab" moment in such a long time so yeah...

Anwyays I feel so much better now that I did my little art project yknow???

[chikkou]

I'd ask this on your Lisa sideblog but you don't have anon on and I'm shy lol, but do you have any headcanons relating to Lisa the First? Like Lisa's views on religion, her relationship with her mother, if any of the various worlds we see mean anything?

hoh man i didnt even know anon wasnt on LMAO... ill turn it on after i post this!

also fuck YEAH i do holy shit i fucking LOVE lisa the first!! i know its sort of the black sheep of the lisa series, since it is a completely different type of game and was clearly austins first game, but i fucking ADORE it dude. the music - which he made ENTIRELY IN THE FREE TRIAL OF FL STUDIO BY THE WAY - is FANTASTIC, the art direction is actually pretty fucking incredible for an rpgmaker game that uses a good deal of basic assets, and the gameplay.... ok yeah that part is a bit lacking but its a yume nikki-style game be nice it was his first time LMAO

ANYWAY back to ur question. first and foremost, i think this is not even a headcanon so much as straight up canon, but lisa DESPISES christianity. marty is christian, probably catholic given the golden crosses everywhere, and he is a fucking scumbag hypocrite. lisa likely associates all of christianity with this line of thinking, as there is one room in the bile area where the melted martys (although i suppose we can just call them joy mutants now LMAO) simply stand in a circle surrounding one big cross. the role of the melted martys is up for interpretation of course, as is everything, but after playing the painful and seeing them described as “mindless sheep,” i think this is how lisa viewed them. so they likely represent other people that, to lisa, are probably just as sick and disgusting as marty

lisas relationship with her mother... i go back and forth on this one a lot. i can never decide if i prefer the headcanon that lisas mom died in childbirth, and so lisa never met her, or if i prefer that lisas mom was around for a very short time and then either left or died. the fact that she says “i didnt want to leave” at the end of the first leads me to believe that she most likely died. in either case, the memory of her mother was clearly important to lisa, as she wears her pendant through the entire game and its explicitly noted as being a gift from her. in either case, i think that the death/absence of the mother is heavily implied to be the primary cause behind martys descent into alcoholism and lisas abuse, since the white room strongly implies that marty did at one time sincerely love and care for her as a father properly should 

as for the meaning of each of the rooms, i think most of them are fairly self explanatory, but some of them are a bit more vague, so ill break it down in terms of how i see it (and ill put them under the cut because its long as hell):

martys house - this is the most literal one. pretty self-explanatory. the dark, yet vibrant colors and the ear-bleedingly loud tv are pure sensory overload, something lisa probably deals with on a regular basis. when lisa goes outside and it turns into a sky of marty faces, i think this is the transition into the psychological part of the game

the lobby - this is honestly just pure yume nikki ripoff LMAO... but if i had to ascribe a symbolic meaning to it, i think its probably a quiet and safe area for lisa to retreat to in her mind when she needs it, but even that eventually gets sullied as tricky rick makes his way there, too (and tells her hes “just waiting” when she talks to him). the majority of gameplay is lisa searching for items with which to kill tricky rick, who always abuses and disparages her whenever she talks to him, telling her she’ll never forget. as for the reason why... well, take one look at him and its pretty clear whats going on there. (the name is also a reference to richard nixon, whose nickname was... well, you can figure it out!)

the town - the bar area is 100% my favorite from this world; lisa clearly hates alcohol and anyone who drinks it, associating them all with marty, and that music... all i can say is YUCK. the entire section also consists of lisa having to give up something in exchange for what she needs to move on, and usually getting the raw end of the deal out of it (she gives one marty a banana, he gives her a banana peel in return). she does all that while avoiding a marty following her outside who repeatedly tells her “you cant escape,” and upon reaching tricky rick (who is atop a narrow, columnar, PINK mountain), it becomes pretty clear whats happening to her. 

the sea room - fucking marty spiders man. im assuming they represent the sickly feeling of crawling skin she gets when she looks at him or is anywhere near him, but holy GOD they are annoying to deal with. she kills tricky rick with pills here - we dont know what kind of pills these are, but i interpret them as sleeping pills, and given the rumbling music and the rapid cycling marty background, i wonder if he forced her to take these. marty is everywhere here, but the only one she can speak to is seen chilling on a raft of some kind. marty likely spent much of his time recreationally, i.e. drinking, so it makes sense why this would be here

the rope room - theres no symbolism here this is just pure comedy (LMAO). if i HAD to assign some meaning to this area, it would be that lisa likely is so despondent at this point that putting in effort to do anything feels utterly pointless, much like climbing this long-ass rope was

the white room - as i mentioned earlier, i personally believe that this area depicts the previous relationship between marty and lisa (and also has one of my favorite songs in the game). he is shown doing traditional fatherly things - he is no longer wearing sunglasses and is wearing a suit, meaning he was likely employed, and is actually smiling. he also spends time with her in a completely platonic, familial way. when she interacts with him, there is a little heart over his head. after lisa walks through the golden statues (which will reappear later), the entire world becomes filled with bile, and martys appearance returns to that of the other martys, but with an extremely warped, grotesque face. the item she needs in this area to kill tricky rick is found between two golden crosses.

notice that all of the items she kills tricky rick with - a razor, pills, and now a plastic bag - are things that a child could plausibly get their hands on; none of them are explicitly weapons. i think this shows both her age and how often she must have considered using those things against him. 

the bile room - probably my favorite area in the game, and also features what i consider the quintessential lisa song. this area really drives home lisas disgust with marty and with christianity as a whole - it almost certainly has the highest concentration of crosses, and it is also quite literally covered in wall-to-wall bile, dirty water, and disgusting houses. a lot of the most graphic sights, like the melting martys and the pond martys (no idea what to call them LMAO) are here, so i think this is pretty much the lowest circle of hell for lisa. marty gives lisa a freshly cut finger in exchange for a napkin here; im not necessarily sure what that represents, but i think the napkin was used by marty to masturbate (as he says “i needed that” after he takes it), so perhaps the finger is martys?

lisa kills tricky rick here in a cave that is not-so-subtly shaped like a penis, and gets a vhs tape in which he pretty explicitly states what is going on in the game; he even pretends like he doesnt know who lisa is at first, which somehow makes it even more disgusting. the fact that vhs tapes play a role here sort of makes me wonder if marty really WAS filming some of what he was doing, and given that lisa the joyful confirms that brad was forced to somehow participate in lisas abuse, that is.... horrific to think about, honestly

the marty tape - this tape just has the player (as marty) walk up to lisa and suited marty, who are having a tea party with a plastic tea set. they both get hearts over their heads if you talk to them. i think this drives home that he and lisa did once have a normal relationship, and perhaps theres some part of marty who misses that? theres a LOT of ways you can interpret this; having the player become marty really calls a lot into question.

the mansion - the room leading here has a marty staring directly at the player who informs lisa that she needs a sword to progress. unsubtly, the sword must be placed into the crotch of a womans statue. the mansion inside is beautiful and ornate, and easily the most gorgeous area in the game - and it all leads to what appears to be a proto-joy mutant marty, sort of looking like jabba the hutt. i dont doubt that this is intentional, given that jabba the hutt is associated with slave leia, and its not at all a far leap to call lisa martys slave. the golden statues of women, as well as many golden crosses, are everywhere in this area. its actually quite a large space with a lot of thought put into it, so im really upset that i cant figure out more of what it represents LMAO

the final area - lisa seems to go back to her actual house, but upon leaving her room and entering whether the living room would be, the whole area changes. she encounters herself in a blood red room, but when she talks to the other lisa, she turns into marty. i think this represents a clear question - who is lisa without him? IS she anyone? or is she just a vessel for him to do with what he pleases? she encounters a naked marty telling her to give up shortly after, and flees from him, but is followed by voices repeatedly telling her that she must accept her fate. i think this clearly show the mental state of lisas last days. she was tormented, eternally. she truly felt there was no escape from marty. even the background becomes nothing but martys face, over and over again, as the end screen flashes.

at the end text, she finds a video tape, and in the tape sees someone who is ostensibly her mother from behind. she apologizes for not being there for her, but when that figure turns out, its martys face that she sees. the sky turns into marty. the music becomes corrupted and overrun with pretty fucked up laughter. she tries to run, but marty is already everywhere. theres nowhere for her to run. and then the game is over.

note that the video tape comes AFTER the games end screen, which stops not long after the appearance of the naked marty. so i personally believe that the “game over” represents her deciding to take her own life, rather than just give up and accept her fate. by running from him into the blackness, she got away from marty the only way she could have. it is sad and horrible, but that is honestly the best ending that she could have gotten in this game.

the first is definitely not as good as the painful in terms of gameplay, that much i can agree on, but i really think people miss out on a lot by not playing it. i think its really crucial to see lisas life from her own perspective before you can see it from brads - after all, brad may have known more than anyone else about what was going on, but he did not experience it like lisa did. for brad, lisa is a symbol of his own regrets and failures, but lisa was a PERSON (well, in-universe anyway LMAO). she suffered on her own, with pretty much no one to help her, and then she suffered so much that she couldnt take another second of it. 

[jackalopefreckles]

I feel like Ive aged at least 6 years since covid started. Im angrier. Less adapted to being outside then I used to be- which is saying a lot. This time last year I was?? Actually healthier mentally then I had ever been and looking forward to having the house alone for a month which?? Was the most freedom I wouldve ever had.

A lots fucking changed. I drove halfway across the country- all 30 hours at once with my big brother AND two elderly dogs, plus my cat. All animals on too many drugs (the vet said they couldnt overdose, and then failed to give any further instruction) cami peed on herself twice, unable to move. I had to waterboard her in Phoenix, a truly terrifying hell city where all the roads are raised and overlapping and its a hot as shit cause its?? What june?? Time was so fake this year I mustve just been stoned the whole time till I ran out of weed, and since moving its been a relief to be able to turn off the spinning anxious thoughts for a few hours

my big brother joined us. He brought a new dog with him which?? Is always a lot, plus I have this pack of dogs now cause the puppy wouldnt leave the super cancer ridden dog alone, and Im able to get her cbd regularly here, so shes always comfortable now instead of just?? Sometimes which is a lot nicer. We didnt think shed make it to chrisrmas. I thought shed die with me home alone to take care of everything, like always. It was almost a relief, I wouldn't have to coach my brother through the grieving process at least, and I had already finished. Its hard now even, for me to realize she might even have another christmas (but I wont hold my breath)

I feel safer going outside here then I did in Austin. I only went out a handful of times in texas, for the last few months I was ordering almost all groceries, and only going to the store once mask mandates were mandatory (theyre not anymore. Im so worried for texas. I missed a huge freeze by mere months. I dont think my elderly dogs wouldnt survived it. If I was alone with them, Im not sure I woudlve.

My parents took my brother to mexico with them. I begged them not to go, told them how irresponsible it was to travel across boarders. To visit an island and take all the plane germs with. I told them that even if my mom and brother were staying at home all day with me, my dad was still going to work and he didnt know what his coworkers were doing. That they wouldn't know what the people on the plane were doing. That at any point they could become the stupid americans that killed half an islands population.

They left a week after today last year. The boarders were closed the next day. Their friend has been traveling back and forth ever since. I have no idea how, except for the fact shes white and rich and wont hesitate to destroy a child, so I can only imagine how shed treat costomer service.

I will no longer allow this angry aggressive woman to ever make me feel bad, and I will allow myself to finally fight back. Im an adult, maybe not all the time (cause lets be real I'll always be a bit too eccentric for most) but when I get angry and allow myself that anger, it's not a bad thing. Anger doesn't have to make me feel like Ive done something wrong. Im usually very just in my actions, and I wont allow my parents influence to tell me all anger is misdirected and hurtful for reasons I couldnt understand. Its okay for me to be angry.

I think being alone with animals for months is at least reassuring that my childhood was unreasonable if nothing else. Which of course is a silly polite society term for pretty fucked, if nothing else.

My aunt had to gall to say weve had a good 2020 cause our family wasnt hurt, and I had to walk away from the zoom call. I haven't attempted communication with any of them since, not that I normally do. Of course none of us died, all rich old white people, most of them retired and able to stay home all day (not that all of them did, I learned about my grandfathers routine and just.. Im honestly surprised no one got it yet. Of course I knew from the beginning if anyone was gonna get it and die, it probably wouldve been me. Hence the 8 months of solitude before the move.

Was the move in August?? Im so unsure about time. Even with 2020 vision.

I tried to date when I moved here. Strictly on tinder. What was the point? On and off testosterone due to the wonders of texas, hadnt changed my body nearly as much as they should've a year after being on them. I look much more handsome now. Im also allowing myself to toss gender aside completely. He/him doesn't mean man, and they/them dont mean nonbinary, so why not mix them since Im?? Not really either.

It wasnt even a thought process like that to start. Much more "this is nice" which I think more gender should be allowed to be. Dont gotta be deep just comfortable.

I wont ever allow my parents to forget what they did. I ended up with three dogs I didnt want (I was so looking forward to not having any dogs) and I ended up taking care of my brother. Again. Its easier without my parents at least. Everything always is. My dogs are even happier. Cami finally isnt anxious 24/7. Again, a sad reminder my childhood wasn't great. Daisy is healthier. Trauma can be stored emotionally or with health issues, often both. I think the cancer dog getting better and?? Surviving and thriving so much longer then the vet said (how good was my old vet?) Is another unfortunate nail in thay proverbial coffin.

Im not as soft and openly loving. Im even more touch starved somehow. Harsher. I still want to choose love and compassion, but Im not letting myself fall into the trap of being so nice people wont be nice to you. Fighting back is something I wont feel shameful about, because it never stopped me from doing it completely anyway.

I was already reaching this on my own though. This was just more coffins, more nails. This didnt need to happen. We know our government let this happen. Its still letting it happen. Im not sure when Im getting my vaccine. My big brothers sick of quarentine and keeps trying to get us to go out. Sometimes I yield, and we go to a park, or the top floor of the parking garage. I get a vegan hotdog from nearby. We talk and laugh and were genuinely just. Boys being boys.

I shouldn't have to deal with parent shit anymore. I do though, especially since two out of three are unemployed and we can really only afford to live here cause of them (they owe me if anything though. Especially with my brother and these animals) I hope I can get a job soon. Or maybe even go back to school. Im lucky I had so much saved up (for top surgery, which I guess wont happen before Im 25 like I really tried for. I wouldve done it before now, but texas waitlists and rules kept holding me up. I literally went to an appointment in dallas, a 4 hour drive, just to found out the surgeon canceled on me for the second time)

Its incredibly depressing, and I know Im lucky to have had that stash. So many people didnt have anything and lost so much. People lost people. Half a million at this point. I remember when it got to 300,000 and I just?? Felt so awful it was so close to how many people we lost to AIDS. Its over that by so many now. It doesn't really stop, does it??

Is that catholic guilt?? Or maybe just irish guilt in general. Is it something I inherited or earned through all the end of the worlds and once in a lifetime recessions Ive been through. Im not sure how many off the top of my head, theyve been coming since I was so small and its always more and more. Im not even catholic anymore. I cant stop being irish though, even though the brits tried (and succeeded. Weve lost a lot. The current royal cotastrophy is bullshit as well, the only person who deserves a royal title is from Meniappolos

My home is decorate all inside for st patrick's day. My big brother loves it so Im going all out, and its def making me feel much more irish then usual (which is a lot Im over half)

I think I just wanted to say Im not the same. I hope I can still be happy an obnoxious is public. I wonder if I remember how

[tallat-of-thralls]

Abbey Adventure

Part 1

One time i was at a Catholic Abbey and had a conversation with one of the monk priests there.

I was brought there by one of their acolytes that had been a patron for over 15 years. The Father wanted to know why i suddenly appeared out of the blue if i was this important to one of their congregation members and why is it only now, after 15 years, that i was brought up.

I skipped around the topic, trying to avoid the dynamics of what I was raised under, avoiding topics relating to myself or my history, and establishing that i was trying to form networks of communication and connect to higher powers.

He immediately pegged me as not Catholic even though i went to every sermon i was present for but the curious figment was this; when i had been introduced the blood rushed from his face out from a startle.

"Before i became a monk, i had a daughter with your name." He said, proceeding to follow me for the duration of my stay.

The acolyte i was with had proclaimed me his daughter -though legitimacy to that claim is unfounded- and liked to make a show of it. It would drag on me.

After the priest spoke to me of his daughter briefly, i feared that he had developed feelings of transference. Though not said directly, i did see his figure out of the corner of my eye at a safe distance when i was trotting around the holy abbey grounds.

It took me hiking the desert cliffs and slipping through some of the ground staff doors to finally not have a monk in full cassock haunting my steps. Unfortunately, it does mean i lost my original entourage that brought me there.

Since this was a retreat, there was a church group there for a few days taking a vow of silence. Im not sure on the rules of that but they spent most of it texting eachother. When my hosts and i sat in the common room waiting to enter the dining hall, something my guide had done or said irked this group. (Perhaps it was his snide remark about protestants.) This caused one of the church members to confront him angrily about making to much noise. Funny break in the vow after only a couple of hours.

Sitting there, goth witch that i am, i simply watched the strange exchange. I was having a good time despite not being catholic but the sense of righteousness and entitlement they both had in that moment seemed... Petty?

Anyways, sometimes i was without my group and would eat alone with the monks and the sparse few silent pilgrims. Only, there was one man that was not part of any group nor was he a monk that i found a bit strange. He would sit alone, eating his food with this 1000 yard stare. He looked to be in his 70s and perhaps was there under care of the monks. I wouldnt know. I didnt ask, seemed rufe. But he would always sit alone at the end of the table. Not necesarily by his choice, the monks had their tables, the church groups had theirs, and we had ours. They were large tables and this man sat at the very end of my table nearest to the kitchen.

At school, i always sat alone because people avoided me and i got the same impression here. I felt that the abbey visitors avoided this man. The monks had their assigned seatings and cliques.

So, i took to sitting with this infirm man everytime i was in the dining hall. We never conversed. Id sit quietly across from him and eat my meal while he peeled his mangoes and drank his coffee.

The monks watched me carefully. They all did. Not just the father that followed me but they would gawk with a slight sneer whenever i was present. I didnt hide what I was, any man, woman, and child can see that i was a witch but i was in their house so i minded my manners and read their hymns.

During a lunch, i was sitting in between this lone man and my group not partaking in any of the self righteous conversation. Just eating my delicious bread hand made by one of the monks watching the lone man eat another mango and some yogurt. This prompted me to snatch a mango after i had finished my entree just because how juicy and ripe they looked.

I was peeling my mango when i felt a nudge from my compadres large elbow. When i had looked up, the priest was sitting across from me with a look of inquiry. I know i had been asked a question but i was too wrapped up in my mango ventures to have paid attention.

He had asked me on canon and if I had any questions. Perhaps a noncatholic or nonchristian had some questions about their Risen Lord. Thing is, my grandmother (who raised me) was catholic and my mother an exnun so i was familiar with the prayers and some of the less known day to day associations. I even use a rosary in my practice to show respect to my roots.

Thinking it was my duty to question the regiment as an outsider. I made a slick comment about the use of the King James bible (written by a protestant something my grandma complained about) and then i chided at the priest about other hobbies the monks may have other than prayer and devotion. (Mind you inwas sitting under a large 6 panel depiction of Mary, Joseph, pomegranates representing the virginal conception of Jesus Christ painted by one of the monks.)

Taken a back slightly, he gestured toward a clique of sharp looking monks with tidy modern hair cuts and goatees toward the corner of the room and made mention about their joy for motorcycles. A joy that i dont share due to my ecclectic and illnreputable upbringing.

Sneering i said, "i dont like bikers. Leather or canvas i detest them. I see the paintings and the clay art but are there other crafts not so readily displayed for the public entertainment?"

This made the monk chuckle. He has been following me and knows full well i have been trying to find ways into the restricted areas (mostly due to structural integrity and neglected funding). The only one i respectfully avoided were the monks residential quarters simply because women that aren't nuns were forbidden. Still, temptation, i wanted to see their quarters but i could easily have been black listed. But our conversation was soon interrupted by the religious banter and flatter from my gracious host.

The lone man had already picked up his mango peels and left his plate in the bus trays before leaving. While i returned to quietly picking away at the yellow orange flesh with the somewhat perturbed monk having to entertain his acolyte and not converse with the witch that bears his daughters name.

He was a clever priest, he caught up with us again when we we are at the book (gift) shop purchasing some trinkets to take back home to Texas with me. (I found a nice clay wall hanger that made me think of my mother in law that i later gave to her).

Here, while my acolyte host was distracted looking through books, the priest found me to inquire upon my hobbies and was more than curious to find that i enjoy writing.

Perhaps i should have chosen a different book project to talk about because i accidently made a comment about "the return of the godSSSS" as the theme. I felt myself grimace remembering i was talking to a catholic monk that had been a priest longer than i have been alive. But he took that tidbit of information with amusement and only grinned slyly at me.

Once again, our conversation was brief and soon interrupted by my raucous host allowing for me to make a quick get away before "witch" rolled off the tongues of one or more monks. Not that i was hiding it but i also didnt want to make it a point of conflict for the monks based off their religious principles.

Yes, im not catholic but in any regard a person who devouts themselves entirely and so intricately into their faith isnt something i feel i should contend with. Im no devil, not prophet, not temptress. I dont feel the need to seduce a monk with witchy knowledge. I was on their ground, im the guest. I had been invited and that invitation could be resent easily. I didnt want that.

I was having plenty of experiences there and i wasnt finished.

To be continued...

[iampikachuhearmeroar]

y’know i’ve been overthinking over the last few days about how my teachers at catholic school/early-to-mid high school made me hate my body bc it was apparently “not what real men will ever fall in love with. so gain 10 kilos and they will!!!” as if they were also making an underlying implication towards me, where in their minds, i was telling my friends to starve themselves to look like me, which i never fucking did bc im NOT a horrible fucking person....

when in reality it was my body type plastered over magazines for years. and not the “gain 10 kilos!!!” kind. bc all of those absolutely fucking stupid fad diets that had celebs ironically losing 10 to like 20 kilos every week, were still super in vogue for most of my time in high school. which, don’t get me wrong, that was fucking horrible to see on the front of EVERY celeb mag rag like OK! magazine etc, and on E! news. in fact, it was still damaging asf for me. or even for anyone with my body type really.... even though some of the women (mostly) were my physique and build al-fucking-ready.. bc it was almost like they wanted people who were already skinny to starve themselves to non-functioning body weights which is fucking harmful no matter what body size/physique you are. 

when in the real world, away from celebrity magazines/shows, i was always telling my friends that i’d rather be their average weight/look like them so that our teachers would stop harassing me and making assumptions that i had serious eating disorders like bulimia/anorexia (which i fucking didn’t) or that my dad wasnt feeding me properly...... when again, in reality, i was legitimately naturally skinny and would eat like a pig, but it just wouldn’t show.... but the teachers refused to listen to my explanation bc to them i was apparently a lying devil child in the face of jesus. they just wanted to stick to their fucked up assumptions and accuse a child of “not being normal” and make out that i was “unloveable” under their standards. bc apparently that was easier for them, i guess. and why the actual fuck would you do this to a teenager anyway???? like it’s fucking beyond me.

like i would look in the mirror after a shower and hate myself bc i wasn’t what my teachers wanted me to be- which was ~curvier~ or at least have “some meat on my bones” when i literally can’t be/have/do either of those things bc i have a fast metabolism.

but anyway the REAL point of this post is that i now look in the mirror and say that “eh, it’ll do” when i look at my body... as a way to say that: yes. i have this body. and i like it. and fuck those piece of shit fucking teachers that always had the assumption that i was apparently starving myself, and that apparently my NATURAL body type wasn’t acceptable to be loved by someone else. 

and also that if you’re a teacher: PLEASE DON’T FUCKING HARASS KIDS ABOUT THEIR WEIGHT WHEN IT ISN’T YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS, THANKS. IT DOESN’T BLOODY HELP WITH BUILDING POSITIVE SELF-CONFIDENCE OR SELF-ESTEEM, YOU SMALL-MINDED, CONDESCENDING AND INSENSITIVE FUCKS.

[lesbianboobees-blog]

My coming out story

This is long, but to be fair, it took me 10 years. My thoughts may be a little scattered, I dont think I've told this story all the way through before.

I was 18, a senior in high school. I was that goth kid but I was also in the honors and AP classes. I mainly hung out with a small group of other goth/punk kids, a few were open lesbians. One of them, we will call her shannon, ended up being in my Spanish class. We got pretty close, and she started hitting on me. I had always liked her, and I realized maybe I did like her more than a friend. My senior year, a lot of other things had happened to really bring me out of my good girl shell. "Dont knock it till you try it" was basically my motto. So, eventually I slept with shannon. It was ming blowing. There was some typical lesbian triangle drama after that, so we never did it again or had a relationship. One time thing. I didn't really even consider that I only liked women at that point. I just thought "well, I guess I like girls too." And that was that.

My senior year, I had lost my virginity (I had been raised catholic and believed in saving sex for marriage), on a separate occasion I was sexually abused, and I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, type 2. A lot was going on. So I just decided to identify as bisexual.

As a note, I fully support all bisexuals. It is a real thing, it isnt a phase, or any of the other crap people say. In my case, dealing with bipolar disorder and everything else was already too much, I wasnt ready to deal with my sexuality.

I dated another lesbian in my group of friends for about a month. I dont even remember why we broke up, but we stayed friends after. After high school, I went back to dating guys because it was easier. I just got too nervous around women. (Yup, definitely gay). Now, I think bipolar disorder has had a big effect on this story. One of the parts of bipolar that isn't talked about is an extremely high sex drive. Since I wasnt very nervous around men, it was easier to fulfill my sex drive. I am still ashamed of that now, but shit happens. I got engaged to a guy a year and a half after graduating high school. But I freaked out about marriage and cheated on him. The one and only time I have ever cheated. I will never do that again. On to more relationships with men. I broke up with every single guy I was ever with. (Theres yet another sign). I had slept with a few more women, but still hadn't had another relationship yet. I was going to community college, and attendance failed most of my classes. Eventually I decided I wanted to become an automotive mechanic (gayyy). I moved to Arizona to go to a technical school. 2 year program, and I did not live in the school housing program. The whole school was probably 95% men. There was one lesbian I was friends with, she was in a toxic relationship she refused to get out of. So, I was with guys again. Near the end of the program, there was a party I went to. this straight girl admitted she had a major crush on me. So, we slept together. After.. she bowed to me. Full on kneeling on the floor bowing. I was sure she was just drunk and being silly. But unlike anyone else I had been with in school, I was proud of being with her. (Oh the gayness). There was one other girl I had met that I wanted to be in a relationship with, but she didn't seem interested in anything more than sex. I knew I was probably leaving after I graduated anyway. So there wasnt a good reason to pursue it.

I graduated, and moved back home. It was a rough time. All my friends were gone. They got married, or had kids, or moved away. It was so lonely. Going from having so many friends around me for 2 years.. to zero... depression hit hard.

A guy I knew from college stayed in touch and showed interest in a relationship. A few months later, I was moving to Ohio to be with him. Worst years ever. The depression was so overwhelming, and he was clueless. I was lucky enough to find a roommate so I could break up and move out. Eventually I got a job back home and went back. Again, no friends. Same damn story, a guy at my new job showed interest. I guess my thought process was "I just need to try different types of guys". Another relationship. During this one, my only gay cousin died in an accident at the age of 34. It absolutely crushed me. I was not close with him, and barely talked to him, and it took me a long time to realize why it hit me so hard.

After I ended that relationship, I reconnected with my high school ex girlfriend. He was transitioning and wanted my support. He introduced me to his friend, we will call her Jenny.

Now, this part still stings. But it was the relationship that changed things for me in a lot of ways. She pointed out things from my past that were exceptionally gay. And that got me thinking. Really, that was the only good thing to come out of that relationship. After 8 months together, I slowly found out she is a sociopath, pathological liar, and lied and manipulated her way through absolutely everything and everyone. I broke up with her after 10 months. Great first real relationship with a woman. Anyway.

2017 and 2018 (age 26 and 27) was when I really took a good look at my past and considered my sexuality. There were soooooo many things that made me think. I went from " maybe I like girls more than guys" to "holy crap, I'm so fucking gay". But at the same time, I was trying to heal from the deep scars left by that toxic relationship. I started working out at the gym, trying to lose weight, and just focusing on bettering myself. It took me therapy and a little over a year to finally feel like I had healed enough to trust again. Meanwhile, I haven't dated or slept with anyone.

I am 28 now. 10 years from my first gay experience, and I want to have queer friendships and maybe start dating again. I am overcoming the shame of being gay that was learned in my catholic upbringing. 2 of my 3 siblings know I'm gay, and are fine with it. I'm still not out to my parents. I have been living with them so I could pay off my student loans. I'm so close to getting them completely paid off. This year, my goal was to move out and come out to my parents. I dont think my dad will react well, and i would rather not be homeless. Until i can move out, i want to make friends. The vicious cycle of loneliness leading to relationships is going to stop.

I also wanted to mention, when I identified as bisexual, I felt like I wasnt accepted into the LGBTQ community. There was a few women I would've loved to be in a relationship with, but I got the vibe that they werent interested because I was bisexual. I realize now that i may have made that up as an excuse. But I understand the bi struggle. And I fully support every letter of the LGBTQIA community. I dont want anyone to feel like they dont belong here. We are stronger together, and can make a huge difference in each others lives.

That's why now identifying as a lesbian, I feel like a baby gay. Even though I have experience with women sexually, everything else is new. I've heard people say that our generation has had it so much easier coming out, mainly because of the internet. I did not find this true. I was so lost, I didn't even know where to start, or what to search. I mean, you can't search anything lesbian without filtering through a fuckton of porn. I didn't know how to find the information I wanted. I didn't even know what I wanted to know. I felt (feel) like a teenager all over again trying to figure out who I am and how I fit into this community.

And that's where this blog starts.

Please feel free to comment, I'm always open to advice and conversation. Also, please be respectful, it feels very vulnerable putting this out there. But I feel it is important to share these stories. If just one person feels less alone and can relate, it was worth it to share.

[weeaboo-horror-stories]

I am bisexual.

When I was in the 4th grade, at age 11, I met this really cute girl. She was about, what, 4'6 ft tall? She was actually my classmate, but I was always socially awkward. It's a long story, but we eventually became friends. She was REALLY smart and hardworking (in our school, if you're an honor student, you're REAALLY smart.) while i was lazy and average. Of course, back then we were still children. (Btw let's refer to her as "Maki" instead) We both loved anime, and we were total weebs. At that time, I was obsessed with Hetalia. I influenced her to watch it, she was a shugo chara fan. Anddd so she also got addicted.

Anyway, I was pretty fond of drawing, and people saluted me for my skills. Maki worshipped me like a God no im sERIOUS and called me "sensei", because i gave her lots of tips. She overestimated me too much. To the point where she neglected her studies just to talk to me. Although, I myself did not notice that. She always told me that she never had a true friend, and I was her first friend. She always told me that she loved me, and that we will forever be friends until we die. 

Her mother started to notice the big drop of our grades, and blamed me for it. She also started talking back to her, although Maki said that she did that back before we were friends.

Fifth and sixth grade came by, (i am from asia, 6th grade is our last year in gradeschool, but we still remain at the same school.) and her mother's anger at me grew, for Maki's behavior became "worse", as Maki explained. She forbid her to see me, and I was hurt. But she still constantly followed me, we were inseparable. 

Her mother even asked for a transfer of section in 6th grade, just for her to get away from me. But that didn't work either.

I didn't understand, she still remained an honor student, so what's wrong? I was hurt.

So one day, I confronted her. I wasn't rude, if that's what you're thinking. But she screamed at me and demanded at me to leave her daughter alone right in front of the school's catholic church. She called me a demon. Everyone in the school was looking at her with shame, and looking at me with pity. I shaked the tears off, I didn't want her to see me cry. I left afterwards in tears, it wouldn't stop. The only thing that cheered me up was a friend that went with me in the car (because no driver). She was my childhood friend (first friend too. We've been friends for almost 12 years) let's refer to her as Aka.

I never realized I was bisexual until freshman year came. But that's where the real thing comes.

At that time, the school year was ending, and I told her that maybe we should be apart

I had two reasons for saying that.

One, is because I didn't want her to get hurt anymore. Her mother abuses her. It just hurts me to see her hurt, and yet still smile. 

Two, is because I felt odd. I think about her everytime, I go nuts when I don't get to talk to her for a day. I felt so crazy that I didn't know what it was. I had a crush on a boy back then at 4th grade, but the feeling was different somehow. I was so confused. 

When I told her to break it for the 3rd time, we did. But afterwards, we came by again. She told me that she was so sad. I didn't know what to feel, so I smiled at it. It was March. 

My weeaboo phase ended at that month.

I started to watch different things like the vampire diaries...etc.

Afterwards, I have come to the thought that I had feelings for her, so I told her that we should be acquaintances starting our first year of highschool.

When we found out the people we will be classmates with, I told her to be friends with a certain person (lets call her Eli?)

And so she did.

But, I realized how jealous I was after nearly a month.

She made a bunch of friends, while I...made nothing. But that's not why I was jealous

I was jealous because I wasn't with her everyday like we used to, it's not the same anymore. I felt ignored. So I sent her a message. And she answered with

"Heya~ Recieved ur text but ddnt recive load, im NOT trying to ignore you though, i thought we were aquaintances and yes i knew u helped me a lot and i appreciate u for that but you dnt hav d right to tell me whether to make friends or not, because we have our own lives n i do wat i want when i wanna do it n i wanna make friends so what? I actually did make lots this first few weeks of school already. Plus i dont think we can relate to each other anymore.. I love hetalia & anime still but u've gone out of d fandom n went to TVD n PLL, im not really interested in that though,sorry.I still belive dat anime could be real while u think their jst living in ur comp screen. Im not trying to judge ur opinions because i respect ur opinions owo scouting is actually fun though, its not boring nor tiering at all, its pretty fun >w< i luv it. Believe it or not i still miss you but i dont think we can relate. I hav 2 study everyday n night, my grades matter to me, so please dnt say im trying to ignore u by not going to fb, i jst hav 2 study thats y. I cant be on here all the time n i barely hav time to get on here because im trying to make up for my failing ones.. n my phone dsnt lyk recieving load idk y. btw i sti believe my friends wnt leave me and yeah thats all i gotta say bye see u :)"

I felt offended..somehow

So I confronted her, told her that I wanted us to be friends again. But she didn't want to, for she already got a new set of friends. And of course, I wanted to cry. But I didn't want to show it. 

I wanted to shout. 

There was another message, it was her apologizing for offending me. Of course, I didn't see that message. But I confronted her the day before, I think she was offended. No...she IS offended. I felt baddd 

I don't want to reveal anything else, but I sent her a total of 20+ apology messages through deviantart and facebook from July to March of 2014. 

I was seenzoned, and there was so reply.

I cried every night.

I felt so obsessed, stalking her through every site.

I was friends with Eli, and I asked her about what Maki thinks of me. She said that Maki didn't want to talk about it, but she disliked me. Ouch. 

Although, Eli DID say that Maki had an older brother and an older sister who was married, but I knew those were big lies. She only had one sister, which was younger than her. I can't believe she lied, she wasnt the type of person to lie.

At January of 2014, I met a guy from the higher batch (can we call him vans). He made me realize that I was bisexual, that I loved Maki.

So, at April of 2014, I sent her my last message. I even confessed to her that I had a crush on her.

But at October (or so) I sent her another message through deviantart, admitting all faults.

I didn't expect her to reply, but when I checked my deviantart page again, she replied.

I'm too lazy to look up what she said, but she said that she forgave me, asked me how I was, and all. But she sent another message that said that we couldnt be together again, but we are good now.

I was so happy that I cried, screamed, and burried myself in the pillow. Literally. 

Until now, at sophomore year, I still see her. We're still not classmates, and our classrooms are far from each other, but each time I see her..my heart still tends to ache.

We are from different clubs (she is from the english club, while I am from the art club. If the art club wasn't so full, I think we would've been clubmates.)

Next school year, I have a horrible feeling that we will be classmates, due to the fact that I am pretty sure we took the art course. Our school will sort us by course next year, and I'm not sure what I will do if I were to be her classmate once more. Will I breakdown and cry in front of her? Or smile at her, and fall for her all over again? It's not fair. I still want to see her. 

I hope her mother will accept me one day, and I will be able to be close to her once again. I am okay with being "just friends", I just don't want to be apart from her. I hope she understands. 

Maki, if you're reading this, thank you. Thank you for letting me experience being loved, feeling loved. I'm sorry for being such a horrible person back then. Thank you so much.

[amanivhenry]

Ended up going to the emergency room last night after a surprise for my FWB went wrong.

So I'm posting this on my throw away acct cause it's a wee bit embarrassing.

I (24F) had plans last night with this guy (28) that I've been having sex with, I decided to surprise him with lingerie and a heart shaped butt plug (which I had already inserted before I went over). Before I left I ate an edible with my friend and was smoking my weed pen, I was feeling pretty good. Anyways, I head to his place and we start having sex and the butt plug comes out so we put it back in and decided to change positions while we're at it and I tell him to put his thumb on the plug so it stays in. At this point we're going at it and I'm on my side and he's on his knees and it's great. All of a sudden something doesn't feel right. Fuck. Where'd the butt plug go? I stick my fingers in my ass to try and feel for it. I know it didn't fall out. I finally feel it way in there and instantly start to panic. I tell him and he tries to feel and he can't get it. Well shit. Now what. I'm laying there in tears trying to calm my self down knowing I don't wanna push it up further. I video chat my sister in his bathroom and she's talking me through trying to push it out, reach for it, telling me to cough (it helped lol), and calming me down. I got it almost back to the opening but I couldn't grip it. As I was pulling on it trying to get it out it wasnt moving. Fuck that hurt. Finally I decided to go home and just try by my self and see what I can and relax. At this point it's been jn there for about an hour. Finally I'm like fuck it I can't get it out and I started to see traces of blood. Here's another thing to add on to the mess, I work at a Catholic hospital (can't even get birth control there), so how in the hell am I going to be going to my place of work, look somebody directly in the eyes (high I mind you) and say "I have a butt plug stuck in my ass". I did it. They got it out. But god damn did that fucking hurt and now I'm scared to do anything with my butt 😂 Moral of the story, don't get a butt plug stuck in your ass.

And yes they did give the butt plug back.

submitted by /u/One-Wolf8664 [link] [comments] from Sex https://ift.tt/32IQvji

[wynnundead]

I posted 1,511 times in 2021

14 posts created (1%)

1497 posts reblogged (99%)

For every post I created, I reblogged 106.9 posts.

I added 24 tags in 2021

#uquiz meme - 3 posts

#uquiz link - 3 posts

#uquiz - 3 posts

#fruits basket - 3 posts

#noragami spoilers - 2 posts

#my uquiz - 2 posts

#uquizzes - 2 posts

#black lives matter - 2 posts

#lgbtqia2+ - 2 posts

#yukine my son - 2 posts

Longest Tag: 134 characters

#to think that most people who dont deserve to be in hell put themselves there for guilt they feel even tho something wasnt there fault

My Top Posts in 2021

#5

I havent watched all of the other half of the season yet..but god is a asshole...he just...he refuses to own up to what hes done...hes god he makes all the rules right? So why cant he just say he was wrong? That he is a terrible father..cause he is...he sounds and acts like your run of the mill narcissistic abusive father...thats the same issue i have with my own dad..wont confess to what he did to me...but with it being god...it just adds a whole set of layers...that are pointed out by lucifer by the way...gods whole thing is confessing your sins...not lying...etc...why cant god do the things he wants other to do??? Its a huge double standard and this is why i hate the Christian/catholic religion..as much as i love the show lucifer they really did the job of showing why its all bullshit...i wont get into the whole family issue thing today...thats a whole other thing...

11 notes • Posted 2021-05-29 16:25:15 GMT

#4

i just started watching the last season of sabrina...and they are totally pulling a steven universe...Sabrina did all of these things, went through horrible situations, probably has ptsd and is searching for something to happen so she can feel needed, cause her friends and family have pulled away from her, its gonna make her feel like they only need or want her around when something is causing them issues and not when shes having them..i mean roz basically dismissed her feelings and just said everyone is changing..but then why is Sabrina the only one left out? i already the end of the series...ITS FUCKING SHIT IF I GO THROUGH WATCHING THE REST OF THIS AND SABRINA CONTINUES TO BE MISTREATED BEFORE SHE BASICALLY ULTIMATELY SACRIFICES HERSELF...THATS..ITS SO TERRIBLE

13 notes • Posted 2021-01-04 00:41:54 GMT

#3

WE NEED KYOKOS LAST WORDS IN THE LAST EPISODE I REPEAT WE NEED KYOKOS LAST WORDS AND IF WE DONT GET THEM IM GOING TO SCREAM PLEASE

15 notes • Posted 2021-06-18 12:25:16 GMT

#2

Anybody else notice the change in animation? Like it kinda looks worse than before??? Just me??? Or is it better i dont know...but its kinda bothering me quite a bit...

17 notes • Posted 2021-04-12 22:34:50 GMT

#1

Anyway...petition for another season of noragami or even a reboot..ya know the story without that weird uncanon bit at the end of season 1

44 notes • Posted 2021-01-31 22:36:56 GMT

Get your Tumblr 2021 Year in Review →

[saltysalmonkid]

a lot of the things you nitpicked were just me being hyperbolic but that’s on me i probably should have chosen my words a little better but in my defense i was tired and annoyed and not the most articulate when i wrote all of the things i did so i’ll elaborate. like i said in my og post: i could not give less of a shit if people write/hc him to be a virgin because it barely makes a difference to me. my problem wasnt with people bringing up the fact that they hc him as a virgin. what i DO have a probllem with is when people start to treat his virginity as a prize nandor gets to have, because i have seen multiple fanfics and posts talking about it where that is the case (i have literally seen people use the phrase “saving himself for nandor” which is why i included it in the post. i’m aware this holds little value since i’m not a maniac who screenshots every little thing i have grievances with so i suppose you’ll just have to take my word on it.). you talk about how conquering and debauching are considered kinky talk and i completely agree, i never even said it was wrong to want to write about that in general, i was specifically talking about the backwards connotations it has when being applied to someone’s virginity. to be considered defiled after being “deflowered”, doesn’t that seem awfully puritanical to you? anyway that being said i do wanna point out what a couple of people were saying in the tags about “he’s thirty years old, of course he’s not a virgin, god can you imagine!!” because that’s also a shitty way of thinking and shaming people for not having had sex after a certain age is shitty and doesn’t help anyone. personally i would prefer if we as a society just. stopped fucking caring about the concept of virginity because i think it’s stupid and antiquated and literally no other milestone is treated the way it is. like can you imagine if we talked about.. idk fucking.. riding a bike like we talk about having sex. “oh my god youve never ridden a bike...... you’re thirty years old what is wrong with you.” “wtf how have you ridden that many bikes, you slut.” etc etc like thats insane thats insane. people would look at you like a crazy person if you said that shit. listen i of all people know damn well what its like to grow up in an environment where shit like this is basically drilled into our heads from childhood. i grew up in a harrowingly conservative community, was actively involved in the church up till age 16, went to a catholic school for 10 years of my life, the works. i just feel like its our own responsibility to be examining why we are attracted to certain things and whether or not it stems from any beliefs that kinda suck morally. i know fiction is a space for people to explore things like that and i’ve certainly delved into things that arent the best ideas to execute in real life but i feel like the more.. for lack of a better word attainable something is the more it bleeds into real life attraction and thats where things can get dicey. sorry this kind of turned into like.. several tangents but i have adhd and cant be bothered to clean this word jumble up any more than ive had so.. whoops, i guess. anyway, ive said what i wanted to say about this, so think and say what you want of my response but i’ll respectfully refrain from engaging any further because if im going to be completely honest i find discourse extremely draining past the point of “i shit out my opinion for people to gawk at” 

Ok actually i need to talk about this bc its been annoying me for weeks but WHYYY the fuck are people so fixated on Guillermo's virginity???? Like i GET IT. I GET IT. Its part of the vampire mythos whatever. But the way some of yall talk about his virginity is so off like all that "omg hes ... saving himself for nandor🥺🥺🥺🥺" what are we, puritains???

Listen dont get me wrong this isnt me saying i want guillermo to have fucked like a jackrabbit or something cos i literally could not care less if guillermo is a virgin or not because it genuinely does not make a difference besides like. Inexperience whatever. I dont know maybe just check your weird purity culture esque mindset for two seconds and think about why guillermo being pure and sweet and virginal is so attractive and important to you. Okay thats all i got it out of my system now back to giggles and laughs with ye