#AND WE WILL NEVER GO BACK TO THAT BLOODSHED CRIMSON CLOVER

[akechi-if-he-slayed]

me when taylor swift caswen edit

[sad-emo-dip-dye]

[vividxpages]

✩˚౨ৎ˚✩‧The Great War PART 1 ✩₊˚౨ৎ˚₊✩‧

PART 2 + PART 3

pairing: Jacaerys Velaryon x fem!Reader

words: 1700

summary: Jace and you are lovers, but stand on opposite sides of the war, not allowed to see each other anymore. But love always finds a way. (inspired by “The Great War” by Taylor Swift)

warnings: angst, reader is Alicents's daughter, the Greens being a bad family, hurt/comfort!, kissing

a/n: help, I'm obsessed with this boy and every song starts to sound like a possible fic idea for him!!!

𓆩♡𓆪

All that bloodshed, crimson clover Uh-huh, sweet dream was over My hand was the one you reached for All throughout the Great War

Sometimes, you could only breathe above the clouds.

Up here on your dragon’s back, the trouble you left behind underneath you did not matter anymore. You thought of the castle that slowly poisoned you from the inside, the dark nights where you thought you were completely alone in the world with no comfort in reach but the memories you carried with yourself.

Once there had been laughter at the dinner table, the halls filled with the family you had not seen in months. Now, you only saw your brothers and your mother together in one room during council. You shuddered at the memory of today’s meeting, snuggling deeper into the saddle and closer to the dragon who kept you safe in the sky.

(“Maybe we should send our dear sister.” Your brother Aegon had proposed at some frustrating point of an endless council, taking a deep swig from the wine glass in front of him.

You had simply stared at him, silent. No one was really listening to you anyway and you were past the point of turning to your mother pleadingly. She was just as silent, always frowning, always doing nothing. “What do you mean, Aegon?”

“We can weaken them from the inside.” He had spoken to the others then, who at least looked so confused as you had felt. “Send them my little precious sister who a certain bastard son always had a weak spot for. I don’t see the problem if you kill him while you’re fuck-“

Your chair had screeched over the floor and fell down with a loud thud on the stone floor. You had clenched your hands into fists as you stood, fury in your eyes.

“Aegon, stop with such nonsense.” Alicent had said quietly, but it wasn’t enough. It was never enough. You fled.)

You welcomed the tears on your cheeks like an old friend, letting them cool your skin as you stirred your dragon through the sky, opting to just turn right and never come back to Westeros.

But oh, how your heart still clung to them.

The family up north in the realm, the family you had lost forever in the middle of his conflict.

Suddenly, you felt your dragon tense and directed your attention to the west, where a shape of a big shadow flickered through the clouds. Your mind began to race with what you’d do if Aemond had followed you, always being damned to bring you back when you had strayed too far away from Kings Landing.

But this shadow was not big enough to be Vhagar.

And those dark curls did not belong to your brother.

You gasped as your dragon let out a recognizing screech, lunging forwards through the clouds until you and the other rider could almost touch at how close your beasts were.

Time seemed to slow down as they flew past each other, teasingly snapping at each other’s necks with the joy of being reunited, but there was no doubt. As you raced through the skies, you looked into your Jace’s eyes.

You let out a broken gasp and quickly looked over your shoulder, but he and Vermax were already out of reach, descending down beneath the clouds. And suddenly, you knew where he was going. You spurned your dragon on, the wind cutting into your skin as you raced after them, faster and faster until you let your dragon spread its wings for a quick landing by the beach Jacaerys had chosen.

Only the silver moonlight illuminated the shore by the cliffs, void of any other soul who could witness the forbidden reunion between the two of you. If you had been in company, Jacaerys would’ve already been dead or held captive.

But you were alone, for the first time in months.

You slid down your dragon’s back, nearly blind by the need to reach him, to throw yourself into his arms like you had dreamed so often.

When you had seen each other for the last time, there had not been a war yet.

And Luke had been still alive.

(You had cried for hours when Aemond had returned, blood still drying on Vhagar’s massive teeth. You had begged your mother to write a letter, just a simple letter to Jace, but everything at court had still been too fragile to do anything but be in shock over what had happened up there. It had nearly driven you mad, to know that somewhere Jace was suffering the loss of his little brother and there was nothing you could do to comfort him.)

Now, he was right there in front of you, leaving Vermax behind him and running towards you on the wet sand by the water. You broke out into a sprint as well, a disbelieving laugh that was anything but amused leaving your tight throat as his features became more and more clear to you.

You crashed together like two waves.

The embrace was nearly violent as his arms slung themselves around you, lifting you up and pressing you into him. There was no strength in your bones anymore and if Jace wouldn’t have held you so tightly, you would’ve crashed onto the ground, shattering into a million pieces.

Only Jace was holding you together right now.

He was everything you had been missing in those terrible weeks. He smelled like sea and wind and smoke and your hands shook as you combed through his wet curls, your tear-streaked face securely hidden in his neck.

You never wanted to let go of him and it seemed like the feeling was mutual.

“Gods- my love…” He mumbled into your ear and you let out a choked sob as you held each other. It was like he could not decide where he wanted to touch you first. His hands drifted over you restlessly, up and down your spine, holding onto you as if you could disappear again at any moment.

“How did you find me?” You asked breathlessly, your bottom lip still trembling dangerously as you caressed his cheeks, needing to refamiliarize yourself with the feel of his skin on yours.

He swallowed thickly, unshed tears glistening in his beautiful years. “I remembered the route you liked to take when you needed to stop thinking. And it’s cloudy today. No one saw me coming. I’ve been waiting for a cloudy night like this for weeks-“

His voice broke and you pulled him closer again, shudders of pain and longing and relief to be with him going through you in an endless loop. How much had changed since the last time you had seen eye to eye: Your father had always said you’d make a good match back then and now Jace had one brother less and you were a captive in your own home.

“I missed you so much.” You whispered, resting your head on his shoulder as you both looked out on the ocean. “I- oh Jace, I tried to write, I wanted to send you a letter, but- I wasn’t allowed. I couldn’t help you and-“

“It’s okay.” He said, but it sounded lifeless, void. “It’s not your fault. I wished I could’ve been there for you too. I know how much you loved Luke.”

Gods, you wanted to cry and never stop again. Even now, Jace was trying to be strong for you, as he had always been.

“I’m so sorry.”

“I love you.” He told you and cupped your cheek, looking deeply and longingly into your eyes. “I missed you every second we’ve been apart. Have you been treated well? Have Aegon and Aemond-“

“I love you too. I want to come with you.” You interrupted him fiery and he shuddered at the insane idea of it, the consequences unimaginable and likely deadly for one of you. “Please, please, let me come with you, I can’t stay a single day there, my mother is not the same anymore and- my brothers have been horrible with the things they want to do to Rhaenyra and you.”

He shushed you gently, drawing his arms tighter around you and swaying you back and forth. “I’ll find a way. I’m not letting you stay there alone for much longer, my love. It makes me sick to think about you being alone in Kings Landing, believe me, but…mother says it’s not safe, not yet-“

“I won’t cause your family any trouble, I promise-“

“It’s not us we’re fearing for.” He smiled sadly at you. “It’s you. I won’t summon your brother’s anger on you. I’d rather take it on myself, but- we need to be a little more patient, okay?”

You could see how much effort those words cost him and you had no doubt if it was his choice to make, he’d take you with him to Dragonstone and never look back. You watched his throat bump with tension, his jaw set, his lips pressed together tightly.

A sudden small smile danced over your face. “So you only came to me tonight because you wanted to see me?”

His eyes were dark with longing, with wanton he could not give in to, not tonight. “My love...I needed to see you.” His thumb lovingly brushed over your cheek, the pad of it briefly touching your lips.

There was so much you wanted to say, so many things you needed to tell him and hear from him, but in this short moment you were only a girl and he was a boy. Your boy.

 He met you right in the middle, delicately holding your face between his hands as your lips met, desperately kissing you as his taste exploded in your mouth once again. He kissed you drunk, enveloping all your senses until all you felt was him. His lips were dry and salty from the long flight over the clouds and along the coast, your runny noses sliding against each other, but it was perfect.

Your heart was mended with every little sigh into your mouth, his long lashes brushing over your cheeks, your hands tangling in his hair…

You thought that maybe, in another lifetime, the two of you could’ve been able to stop the war.

Another part of you knew that you always had been damned, cursed.

You blinked into the starless grey sky above you as Jace began to ravish your neck with wet kisses and you thought of the old saying passed on from generation to generation.

Every time a Targaryen is born, the gods flip a coin.

On which side would yours land if you ever lost him?

On which would his land when it finally sank in that he could never have you?

[with-my-calamitous-love]

HELP ME HOLD ONTO YOU / WE WILL NEVER GO BACK

katsuki bakugou x reader

after the war, katsuki still deals with the trauma and the hurt. in a moment of what he thinks is weakness, you help him through a panic attack.

based on a convo i had with @suksatoru ❄️

inspired by the archer + the great war

after the war, he’s seen cruelty. he knows it well.

his knuckles were bruised like violets, long after his injuries healed and his blood stopped escaping him. the flashes of the battle still came back to him in hazy blurs. he’s got a hundred thrown out speeches, things he could still say but doesn’t.

he was now the #1 hero. he married you and became one of the most well-respected men in the country. he survived the war. but he still feels like the hero in him, maybe just a small part, died alongside those undeserving villains.

he’s getting old, and he knows what it feels like to be on both sides. he’s been the archer, and he’s been the prey. he survived, but now more eyes were on him. he could survive the battle, but now, he wasn’t sure if he could survive ever knowing if he’ll live up to what he’s made out to be.

the great, mighty explosion king katsuki bakugou actually had doubts about himself.

and he can't thank you enough for being there for him. things have been insanely stressful lately. theres been more crime and more unrest, and he feels like he's going to go insane from sheer exhaustion. the room is on fire, but only for him. theres invisible smoke only he can see. where everyone sees a strong, selfless hero, katsuki sees a soldier returning only half his weight.

right now, he’s pacing like a ghost. he’s just gotten home and somehow, all the oxygen has been swept from his lungs. he feels his knees get weak as he tried to make sense of it all- the bloodshed and those crimson clovers. if he survived, why did he feel like punishing himself for things he never did? why was he justifying it?

he hates his reflection. he has for years. all of his heroes, everyone he’s believed in has died, all alone and away from him. apart of him is waiting for that dark side, that sign that he isn’t actually alright here.

he sinks down on the couch, defeated. he doesn’t even realize he’s crying.

not until you gently cup his face, and wipe away his tears.

he blinks, breathing still ragged. he acknowledges that you’re there but can’t make out anything. his vision is blurred with salt streams.

the sound of your voice, asking him whats wrong, barely registers in his mind. his red eyes search to find you, and you can see that pain. he’s hurt. he’s wounded. and he’s pretending that he isn’t.

“breathe.” you whisper. he honestly expects you to yell, to slap him back to reality. but you don’t. you hush him to safety. “breathe, katsuki.”

he tries to follow your instruction, focusing on his breathing. he tries to ruminate on the feeling of your hands gently rubbing his back, or the subtle weight in his lap, and the feeling of your hair against his skin. but god dammit, it's hard.

he’s struggling to keep his breathing regulated, taking short, shaky breaths, as he continues to hold onto you.

you take his hand, and place it over your beating heart. somewhere in the haze, you’re helping him hold onto you.

and he feels it. the steady, reassuring beats of your heart. the rhythm of blood pumping through your veins. he takes in the feeling, letting it wash over his senses. he can slowly feel the panic start to subside, his breaths coming out more regularly, at least for a moment. he can still faintly feel his heart pounding against his chest, and his breaths stuttering every now and again. he’s terrified that at any moment, the panic will take over again. he never wants to go back to that.

you take his face in your hands, making sure he’s listening. “nod if you can understand me.”

he nods, trying to focus on your words. the feeling of your hand on his face, and the touch of your forehead against his- it's grounding him. its helping him to calm down, and he's so fucking grateful for that. even though his legs are shaking, and he's still holding onto you desperately, he nods, letting you know that he's still conscious. he wasn’t gonna let this win. he was stronger than it. you made him stronger.

“feel around… you’re on the couch, your feet are on the ground. your hand is over my heart. you’re safe, katsuki.” you whisper.

he does as he's told. he feels the soft fabric of the couch under him. his feet and legs firmly planted on the ground, and can feel the warmth of your heart through your chest, and the way it's beating so steadily. he’s safe. he’s home. he’s with you.

you reassure him more, telling him he’s doing so good. and he is, evident by the way his breathing steadies down. after a few more minutes, his eyes blink open. and you couldn’t be happier.

“you back with me, kats?” you softly smile, seeing his red eyes lose their tears.

he sighs, burying his head into your shoulder. “yeah. i’m here.”

he’s embarrassed.

you stroke the back of his neck, letting him rest on you. he’s tired, and he’s scared. you know you have to address what caused this, but for now, you give him this grace of silence.

“do you wanna talk about it?” you whisper.

suddenly, the war turned into something much bigger. it wasn’t a just a battle, it was something that stayed with him for years. somewhere in the haze, he’s scared of betrayal. that soon, everyone will see through him. even he sees right through him.

“i don’t know where to start.” he quietly groans.

you nod, understanding. “just… tell me whats on your mind.”

he swallows again, his mind still fuzzy, trying to figure out what to say. theres just so much that he’s thinking about right now, but he knows he needs to tell you. he can’t keep bottling it all up. so after a few deep breaths, he finally speaks up.

"….i’m exhausted, babe.” he sighs, like he’s confessing to a crime. “everything’s been so goddamn stressful lately. work has been insane, and… i just feel like i can't catch a break. i just… i wish i had more time away from it. to just… i don't know. decompress."

it doesn’t fully articulate everything he’s feeling, but it does give you a good idea of where this is all coming from.

you sigh, stroking his cheek and pointing out the one thing he’s afraid to admit to himself.

“katsuki, you have trauma.” you say. “the war left its marks on you. you can’t just expect it all to go back to normal.”

he feels like he’s down in icy ground. he doesn’t want to admit how much its hurt him- but it has. all the kings horses and all the kings men couldn’t put him together again.

“…i didn’t think i’d survive this long.” he whisper. and it breaks your heart.

he’s unable to take back those words. it’s true. he didn’t think he would survive the war. he didn’t think he was going to make it out, and that’s exactly what he’d mentally prepared himself for. and now that he’s here, and the war is over…

he’s struggling to cope with that fact. he feels lost, unsure of how to deal with surviving.

“you survived.” you whisper. “you survived but now you’re at war with yourself.”

he nods slowly. that perfectly sums up his feelings. heMs not fighting villains anymore, but that doesn’t stop the war from going on inside of him.

he’s fighting the memories. the nightmares. the constant pressure of being a hero. the constant pressure of living up to everyone’s expectations.

and he’s scared he’ll lose that fight.

“the war took apart of you you’ll never get back.” you whisper. “but… healing isn’t about becoming the person you were before. its about accepting you’ll never fully understand it, and maybe never fully be okay with it.”

katsuki bites down on his bottom lip, your words sinking in his mind. that’s something he’s been struggling to accept for a while now- that he won’t ever just be the person he was before all of this. something about him has changed. permanently.

he nods slowly, your words slowly and gradually beginning to make him feel a little better. it’s so reassuring, having you there with him right now.

“you are a hero, and you are #1. that doesn’t mean you aren’t allowed to hurt. it happened to you and it hurt you. you’ll never heal if you pretend you weren’t wounded.” you whisper again. “just because you carry it well doesn’t mean its not heavy.”

your words hit him straight in the heart. you’re absolutely right. he’s never really stopped to consider that he doesn’t have to pretend to be strong, or that it’s okay to let those walls come down, even a little. he’s allowed to be vulnerable. he’s allowed to be hurt by what happened to him.

“i… i keep feeling like i’m constantly on that damn battlefield. i keep seeing it every time i’m alone. and i just… i haven’t slept properly in days.”

you nod, understanding.

“you aren’t your worst days. you aren’t what happened to you.” you remind him. honestly, he’s needed that reminder.

he hugs you tighter, like you’re the one thing keeping him afloat right now. he wonders who could possibly stay with him, let alone love him like you do.

“they ripped your heart out of your chest. no one gets to decide how much you bleed.” you tell him. because you see how much he’s trying to force the wound closed, burning himself and only worsening his pain. he hasn’t healed because he’s too scared of the hurt.

“…you really mean that?” he says, red eyes searching for lies.

he finds none, even as you nod and tell him you mean every word.

he isn’t sure what to say anymore. so when words fail, he cups your face and pressed two gentle kisses to your forehead. he survived the war, and now he will always be yours.

“i love you.” he whispers. “so damn much, idiot.”

you smile, his usual asshole-self back on the table. your arms throw around him, hugging him even tighter.

he realizes then that you could, and you will stay.

[demetera]

Being a Taylor Swift fan, a Hunger Games fan & an Evelark shipper is just asking to be in constant pain.

What do you mean "The Great War" is NOT written for them or because of them?

"Soldier down on that icy ground Looked up at me with honor and truth Broken and blue, so I called off the troops That was the night I nearly lost you I really thought I lost you"

-- Catching Fire, Peeta almost dies from the force field.

"We can plant a memory garden Say a solemn prayer, place a poppy in my hair There's no morning glory, it was war, it wasn't fair And we will never go back"

-- Mockingjay, Peeta plants Primroses for Katniss.

or or

"All that bloodshed, crimson clover Uh-huh, the bombs were close and My hand was the one you reached for All throughout the Great War Always remember Uh-huh, the burning embers I vowed not to fight anymore If we survived the Great War"

--Mockingjay, Peeta saves Katniss by stopping her from consuming the nightlock pill.

It really is hard out there for us.

[etherrealsx]

The Bridgerton couples as Taylor Swift songs

Daphne & Simon: Haunted

"Come on, come on, don't leave me like this. I thought I had you figured out. Something's gone terribly wrong, you're all I wanted. Come on, come on, don't leave me like this. I thought I had you figured out. Can't breathe whenever you're gone, can't go back now I'm haunted."

Anthony & Kate: The Great War

"We will never go back to that bloodshed, crimson clover, the worst was over, my hand was the one you reached for all throughout the Great War. Always remember we're burned for better, I vowed I would always be yours, 'cause we survived the Great War."

Benedict & Sophie: Enchanted

"This is me praying that this was the very first page, not where the storyline ends. My thoughts will echo your name until I see you again. These are the words I held back as I was leaving to soon. I was enchanted to meet you."

Colin & Penelope: You Belong With Me (🥹)

"Dreaming 'bout the day when you wake up and find that what you're looking for has been here the whole time. If you could see that I'm the one who understands you, been here all along so why can't you see, you belong with me."

Eloise & Phillip: seven

"I've been meaning to tell you I think your house is haunted, your dad is always mad and that must be why. I think you should come live with me and we can be pirates, then you won't have to cry, or hide in the closet, and just like a folk song, our love will be passed on."

Francesca & Michael / Michaela: I Almost Do

"I bet you think I either moved on or I hate you, 'cause every time you reach out there's no reply. I bet it never ever occurred to you, that I can't say hello to you and risk another goodbye. And I just want to tell you, it takes everything in me not to call you, and I wish I could run to you, and I hope you know that every time I don't, I almost do."

Hyacinth & Gareth: I Can See You

"I can see you in your suit and your necktie, pass me a note saying "meet me tonight", then we kiss and you know I won't ever tell. And I can see you being my addiction, you can see me as a secret mission, hide away and I will stop behaving myself."

Gregory & Lucy: Speak Now (duh)

"I hear the preacher say speak now or forever hold your peace. There's the silence, there's my last chance, I stand up with shaky breath all eyes on me. Horrified looks from everyone in the room but I'm only looking at you."

[httpswritings]

The Great War

Warnings: Mentions of anxiety, throwing up and therapy, sensitive topics overall, avoid reading if you find them triggering.

Right after Katie ended her relationship with Caitlin Foord, she met you. After some time, you got into a relationship together, enjoying every single second of the magical connection you seemed to have. With the passing of time, Katie became more and more anxious about the relationship. She doubted she could be what you deserved, even though you took her time every day to remind Katie that you had never been as happy in a relationship as you were with her.

«My knuckles were bruised like violets

Sucker punching walls, cursed you as I sleep-talked»

Two heartbreaks in such a little time, with both her Ireland National Team's member Ruesha and girlfriend of seven years, and her Arsenal's teammate Caitlin Foord, who was her girlfriend during half a year, made the Irishwoman insecure about her ability to love, to trust, to have a happy fairytale ending. Katie knew these thoughts would damage her relationship with you, but she couldn't help but to spend most of her day tracking every single detail that built her relationship to the obsessive point where she felt absolutely sick of herself.

«Spineless in my tomb of silence

Tore your banners down, took the battle underground»

When she reached her limit, she told you about what was going on, gaining an empathetic response from you and willing to help Katie, and it started well. Really well. But after some time, Katie fell back into a cycle of doubt and anxiety, and those sensations kept growing when she noticed any change in her girlfriend's mood, as she took everything, even the smallest and insignificant details, too personally. This made her re-experience in her mind those moments of stress while she was with Ruesha or Caitlin.

«And maybe it was ego swinging

Maybe it was her

Flashes of the battle come back to me in a blur»

As her girlfriend, you tried to understand Katie, you tried and tried but eventually, you reached your limit.

“I want to help you. I really do. But I can't continue like this. I'm not Ruesha, nor am I Caitlin. I am aware that being in a new relationship it's difficult for you, so maybe we should take things a bit slower. I don't mean to take a break, but maybe I should go back to my flat. We will move on slower than we did before, but I do think it's the only way to work it out.”

«All that bloodshed, crimson clover

Sweet dream was over»

“Yeah, maybe you're right." That was Katie's only response, gaining a defeated sigh from you. That night, Katie slept alone in her bed. Her body reacting to the cold sheets and crying herself to sleep.

«My hand was the one you reached for

All throughout the Great War»

Sweet morning messages from her girlfriend: "Good morning, baby. Do good at training today! Love you ;)"

Surprise visits from you, lovely gifts, usually handmade ones, brought Katie to tears as she felt endlessly loved.

«Always remember

Tears on the letter

I vowed not to cry anymore

If we survived the Great War»

Katie prayed for things to get back as they were during the first months of your relationship. The feeling of her not being a good girlfriend haunted her even in her sleep.

«You drew up some good faith treaties

I drew curtains closed, drank my poison all alone»

One day, you suggested seeing a therapist together, but Katie was unsure about that. She thought that if she couldn't quite open to her girlfriend about her feelings and thoughts, she wouldn't be able to talk about what was bothering her to a stranger. Such a huge contrast between the two parts of the relationship that drew you even more apart.

«You said I have to trust more freely

But diesel is desire, you were playing with fire

And maybe it's the past that's talkin'

Screamin' from the crypt

Tellin' me to punish you for things you never did

So I justified it»

"No, I'm sorry, but I'm not doing this. I feel uncomfortable talking to a stranger about our issues."

"I know, baby, I was just suggesting it. Let me explain you why. We are aware of having some problems in our relationship, but we don't really know how to get through it. We've tried and things keep getting worse. Maybe talking to someone who's out of our relationship can make this whole situation clearer for both of us."

«All that bloodshed, crimson clover

The bombs were close and

My hand was the one you reached for

All throughout the Great War

Always remember

The burning embers

I vowed not to fight anymore

If we survived the Great War»

Katie took some weeks to meditate your idea. She was terrified of being judged by the therapist you'd talk to. Even more scared of her girlfriend realizing that she didn't do any good to her. Eventually, she agreed.

"Maybe she's right. People attend therapy sessions. It's normal, Katie. It's normal", she told herself.

«It turned into something bigger

Somewhere in the haze, got a sense I'd been betrayed»

Katie was not new to getting help from a therapist. She was very open about her mental health in different areas of her life, whether that included football or not. The first time she attended a therapy session was when she was a teenager. It went well, so did the first sessions with Anna, your new psychologist.

Making progress is not a linear process, and making mistakes is a part of the success. Mistakes are a victory in themselves, it means that you're still trying. One day, Katie had an individual session with Anna. Anna felt it was Katie's time to open about her two past relationships; a young adult romance that lasted for more than half a decade and a short but intense romance of one year after a breakup.

It was a slow conversation filled with many pauses from Katie.

"Are you gonna tell her what I'm telling you?"

"No, Katie. This stays between me and you," said Anna.

As Katie began to speak about her past experiences in love, she broke down.

The wall she had built, in order to avoid being hurt and judged, collapsed in that therapy room.

“Don't be afraid to cry. You have nothing to prove to me or to her. This is about you and your healing process. She will help you, but it's crucial for you to work on yourself, especially being a public figure.”

«Your finger on my hair pin triggers»

As Katie arrived home, she unlocked her phone and asked you to come over.

"I've asked Anna, and she told me it was a good initiative and a great way of gaining some independence in our relationship, leaving her out of it for a while. Don't feel obliged to!"

"I am exhausted, baby. Work was something else today, and I’m a little bit irritated because of it, lol. Maybe another time? Love you."

As Katie was about to spiral, she remembered Anna's advice. She breathed deeply. Her girlfriend was setting her boundaries. She trusted Katie enough to tell her the truth and not to make any excuses. She felt tired from work. You are not mad at her. Katie didn't do anything wrong. Everything’s okay.

«Soldier down on that icy ground

Looked up at me with honor and truth

Broken and blue, so I called off the troops»

The next day Katie woke up to a text from you.

“Good morning, princess. I had a great sleep, what about you? How did you sleep? I’m up to seeing you today if you feel like it. Love you.”

Still slightly asleep, she smiled.

“I can't wait to see you today, beautiful girl. I had a good sleep, too. Good to have the bed all to myself ;))”

She frowned after sending the text with that joke at the end.

"Breath, Katie, let these useless thoughts pass. Both of you feel comfortable teasing each other," said Katie to herself.

“Ha, ha, really funny. We both know you missed having me snoring next to you.”

“How do you know?!?!”

«That was the night I nearly lost you

I really thought I lost you»

As Katie was preparing herself to go out with you to have lunch, she remembered the night where you left her house.

She didn't freak out to the thought of it, but instead she did an exercise of introspection. She saw herself in her mind, almost throwing up, completely emotionally depending on her girlfriend while pushing her away and bottling up her feelings.

«We can plant a memory garden

Say a solemn prayer, place a poppy in my hair

There's no morning glory, it was war, it wasn't fair

And we will never go back

To that bloodshed, crimson clover

The worst was over»

She looked at herself in the mirror. She saw herself, Katie, as the woman who knew that she was loved, and she was deserving of being it. The woman who respected her girlfriend’s boundaries and didn't freak out at the tiniest change that she perceived. The woman who was going to take her girlfriend out to have a good time having lunch, not worrying about anything but what order she's going to have.

«My hand was the one you reached for

All throughout the Great War

Always remember

We're burned for better

I vowed I would always be yours

'Cause we survived the Great War

I would always be yours

As they arrived home back from the restaurant, you walked towards Katie.

"I'm so proud of you, baby. You did this. You are doing it every day. I’m so excited to see where our relationship leads us to."

As Katie's eyes were trying to hold some tears back, she laughed, "It’s nice to cry sometimes. God, I feel so relieved. I’m so proud of myself, too, of us! Thank you for being there for me, my love, thank you. I can't wait to spend the rest of my life as your girlfriend."

"Even when you wake up to my snoring?"

"Especially when I wake up to your snoring."

[minlicious]

helen and menelaus coded taylor songs!!

back to december (“i miss your tan skin, your sweet smile, so good to me, so right and when you held me in your arms in september night the first time you ever saw me cry, maybe this is wishful thinking, probably mindless dreaming, but if we loved again i swear i’d love you right”)

the great war (“all that bloodshed, crimson clover, sweet dream was over, my hand was the one you reached for” “i vowed i would always be yours, cause we survived the great war”)

high infidelity (“i bent the truth too far tonight, i was dancing around, dancing around it” “you know there’s many different ways to kill the one you love, the slowest way is never loving them enough”)

loml (from menelaus’ perspective) (“you holy ghost, you told me i’m the love of your life” “you shit-talked me under the table, talking rings and talking cradles, i wish i could unrecall how we almost had it all” “i’m combing through the braids of lies ‘i’ll never leave’ ‘never mind’”)

this love (“this love is good, this love is bad, this love is alive back from the dead, these hands had to let it go free and this love came back to me” “your smile, my ghost, i fell to my knees, when you’re young, you just run, but you come back to what you need”)

hits different (“it hits different cause it’s you” “you were the one that i loved, don’t need another metaphor it’s simple enough” “dreams of your hair and your stare and sense of belief, in the good in the world, you once believed in me”)

long story short (“clung to the nearest lips, long story short it was the wrong guy, now i’m all about you” “no more keeping score, now i just keep you warm, no tug of war, now i just know there’s more” “and he’s passing by, rare as the glimmer of a comet in the sky, and he feels like home, if the shoe fits, walk in it everywhere you go”)

exile (“i can see you standing, honey, with his arms around your body, laughing but the joke’s not funny at all” “you’re not my homeland anymore, so what am i defending now? you were my town, now i’m in exile” “there is no amount of crying i can do for you”(menelaus), “i can see you staring, honey, like he’s just your understudy, like you’d get your knuckles bloody for me”, “[you] never learned to read my mind” (helen))

[mrs-understoods-blog]

The Great War

Taylor Swift's The Great War lyrics. Go ahead, you all should be prepared before we go into battle tomorrow.

My knuckles were bruised like violets Sucker punching walls, cursed you as I sleep-talked Spineless in my tomb of silence Tore your banners down, took the battle underground And maybe it was ego swinging Maybe it was her Flashes of the battle come back to me in a blur

All that bloodshed, crimson clover Uh-huh, sweet dream was over My hand was the one you reached for All throughout the Great War Always remember Uh-huh, tears on the letter I vowed not to cry anymore If we survived the Great War

You drew up some good faith treaties I drew curtains closed, drank my poison all alone You said I have to trust more freely But diesel is desire, you were playin' with fire And maybe it's the past that's talkin' Screamin' from the crypt Tellin' me to punish you for things you never did So I justified it

All that bloodshed, crimson clover Uh-huh, the bombs were close and My hand was the one you reached for All throughout the Great War Always remember Uh-huh, the burning embers I vowed not to fight anymore If we survived the Great War

It turned into something bigger Somewhere in the haze, got a sense I'd been betrayed Your finger on my hair pin triggers Soldier down on that icy ground Looked up at me with honor and truth Broken and blue, so I called off the troops That was the night I nearly lost you I really thought I lost you

We can plant a memory garden Say a solemn prayer, place a poppy in my hair There's no morning glory, it was war, it wasn't fair And we will never go back

To that bloodshed, crimson clover Uh-huh, the worst was over My hand was the one you reached for All throughout the Great War Always remember Uh-huh, we're burned for better I vowed I would always be yours 'Cause we survived the Great War

I would always be yours 'Cause we survived the Great War I vowed I would always be yours

[wavesoutbeingtossed]

One of my fave mashup nights: liverpool n2 this is what you came for/goldrush and the great war/you’re losing me

Why did I not even remember she played Liverpool during Eras lol.

Also I see you anon, trying to sneak in a 2-for-1 deal for Mashup Madness! 🤔 Just kidding.

This Is What You Came For x Gold Rush

So once again, it's kind of incredible to me when she takes a quintessentially dance/pop song and kind of yeehawifies it to turn it into a fun folky medley. And as someone whose tastes lean more folk-rock, I fully support it.

Everybody's watching her, but I don't like the gold rush.

She does some reaaaaaallly interesting things with the melodies and her vocal delivery in this one! I loooooooove her hitting the high notes in the "ooohs" gold rush and I love the kind of improvising she does with the "Eagles t-shirt/dinner parties" lines. And dropping the beat for the last verse of gold rush because we love a Girl and her Guitar moment!

Thematically, the songs are a great match too!

Baby, this is what you came for, lightning strikes every time she moves -> But I don't like a gold rush, gold rush, I don't like anticipating my face in a red flush // Everybody's watching her, but she's looking at you -> Everybody wants you, everybody wonders what it would be like to love you // We go fast with the game we play, who knows why it's gotta be this way -> I don't like that falling feels like flying 'til the bone crush // We say nothing more than we need, I say, "Your place," when we leave -> At dinner parties I call you out on your contrarian shit and the coastal town we wandered 'round had never seen a love as pure as it

I love the juxtaposition in the mashup story of everyone's eyes being on her, but in her mind they're all on him, because she's so infatuated with him.

(lol I don't think I ever realized how few lyrics are actually in This Is What You Came For. Also fun fact, years ago one of the coaches at my club used to use this as the song for warmup so this song is forever ingrained in my head.)

and now for the main event:

The Great War x You're Losing Me

So this is one of those "she has to do it" mashups because I distinctly remember having conversations with friends like @soberqueerinthewild and @taylortruther about the parallels between The Great War and You're Losing Me with the war motifs and then she went and did it 😂 We feel you blondie.

This might be one of my favourite lines she's ever mashed up because it's the entire theme of the combination, but also the end result of the relationship and a huge part of TTPD:

I can't find a pulse anymore, but I survived the Great War.

Oof.

(That's "So Long London" in one line.)

In this mashup, the "Flashes of the battle come back to me in a blur" end up culminating in her pulse (and the pulse of their relationship) flatlining which is just elite storytelling 🤌

I find it soooooo interesting that she sings nearly all of The Great War, until she slips into the bridge of You're Losing Me after the bridge of The Great War. That was the night I nearly lost you, I really thought I lost you... but how long could we be a sad song 'til we were too far gone to bring back to life? THAT is what the mashup comes down to: how many battles like these could we fight before it ended us? How much blood had to be shed before we realized there was nothing left to revive?

I can't find a pulse from all that bloodshed, crimson and clover.

Instead of the battle being a sign of fortitude, being burned for better like it is in The Great War, it turns into the realization that it was just, well, death by a thousand cuts in You're Losing Me. They weren't actually strengthened by going through this test, it was just more hits against the relationship. The pipeline from All I did was bleed as I tried to be the bravest soldier to I can't find a pulse from all that bloodshed is gut-wrenching. It's someone who gave and gave and gave all they had until there was nothing left to give.

She spends the whole of The Great War mostly blaming herself for the conflict, and vowing not to keep repeating it if they make it through, but then by the bridge of You're Losing Me, she's saying: actually, I offered you nothing but understanding and compassion, and you stopped giving me any of that in return, so why am I doing this still? Why do we keep ending up back here if I'm now carrying this load on my own? Why am I fighting in your army and you never fought for mine?

To me, it feels like the story of the mashup is this major conflict between two people that seems like it might break them, and they come to a ceasefire, but it actually was just a détente instead of an "good faith treaty." In the end, there could only be one victor, and that was herself. And not in the sense that she "beat" him, but in the sense that if she continued the battle, she was going to lose herself. So by leaving, she ended the "war" on her terms. (And I don't mean war as in attacking the person, in this case the war is what became of their relationship in the mashup story.)

It comes down to: I vowed not to cry anymore if I survived the Great War.

It's like: in its original form, "I vowed not to cry anymore if we survived The Great War" sounds like someone saying "I'm going to leave this in the past and stop bringing up this thing that almost broke us if we make it through the conflict." But in this instance, where it changes from "we" to "I," it sounds more like, "If I make it out [of this relationship], I'm not going to let myself ever get to that low a point ever again." It's heartbreaking but also such a testament to growth and coming out of grief and trauma.

It's also really curious to me that "You're Losing Me" became such a B Stage favourite as well, because you'd think it'd be too heavy or too, I don't know, specific to include in mashups on the regular, but I get the feeling it might have been its own form of bloodletting for the better. Plus, it's a damn fine bridge and she knows it lol.

I looooooooove her vocals during "you were playing with fire," like yes GO OFF GIRL. Also, it's wild how much the crowd loses their mind when the bridge to You're Losing Me comes in. That bridge is IT and gives so much catharsis. Also speaking of catharsis, her smirk at "I'm the best thing at this party" is amazing! Yes queen, you are still bejewelled, and nobody should forget it. (Least of all your partner.)

Hope you enjoyed double the fun today!

(and as always: I still have many of these to go through, so please refrain from sending more mashup madness asks until I get through them thanks friends 🫶)

[chasingfictions]

I understand now why they lost their minds and fought the wars / with you I serve, with you I fall down / when I’d fight you used to tell me I was brave / I can see you staring honey, like he’s just your understudy, like you’d get your knuckles bloody for me / and you can aim for my heart go for blood, but you’d still miss me in your bones / fighting with a true love is like boxing with no gloves / my knuckles were bruised like violets / I just wanna stay in that lavender haze / this ultraviolet morning light below tells me this love is worth the fight / all that bloodshed crimson clover / clover blooms in the fields spring breaks loose but so does fear / so yeah it’s a war, it’s the goddamn fight of my life and you started it / my sleepless night, my winless fight, this has frozen my ground / it was real enough (whether weather be the frost) / soldier down on that icy ground looked up at me with honor and truth, broken and blue, so I called off the troops / I vowed not to fight anymore if we survived the Great War / threw out our cloaks and our daggers because it’s morning now, it’s brighter now / I pinned your hands behind your back, oh, thought I had reason to attack, but no / and some things you just can’t speak about / when did all our lessons start to look like weapons? / flesh and blood amongst war machines / fighting in only your army, front lines don’t you ignore me / you’re not my homeland anymore, so what am I defending now? / I didn’t have it in myself to go with grace, and so the battleships will sink beneath the waves / I’ve got a hundred thrown out speeches I almost said to you / can’t remember what I used to fight for / you never gave a warning sign (I gave so many signs) / sending signals to be double crossed / not what she seemed not the twin from your dreams she’s a crook who was caught / now I’m down bad waking up in blood /

[v3nusxsky]

Hiii there I have 2 sheathings . Could I do a request for ‘it’s so cute when you…’ (or smth along those lines) with 7 and/or 5? With little!reader (if you still do that) x Larissa x Marilyn. Where reader has just had a really good and very productive day and Larissa and Marilyn are feeling soft as reader rambles? Second question could I claim the 🌻 anon?

Safe place

*Authors note~ welcome 🌻 anon! I’ve missed writing Agere sm so thank you for joining the clan of anons and for this request*

Trigger warnings ~ Agere, little r x Marilyn x Larissa. Momma Larissa, auntie Mari, nice Marilyn :), r is obsessed with Taylor swift music

Prompt ~see ask^^^

“Momma will be back soon bug.” Marilyn’s voice seemed to carry around the greenhouse. You loved to be in the room as she tended to her plants. Although you couldn’t touch every petal due to Marilyn’s rules, they were still pretty to look at. Often, Marilyn would play music as she worked which you loved. You loved working with auntie Mari when momma was busy. Luckily for you, when you regressed into a meeting with the principal due to stress she immediately took you under her wing. She absolutely adored her role as your caregiver but with all the strain of keeping Nevermore afloat she struggled with the idea of you alone, vulnerable and well scared.

So that’s how with your permission, Marilyn was let in on the little secret. She readily agreed to help in any way she could. If you couldn’t find one of them, you would be able to find the other. Both women loved to spend time with you in any mindset but Marilyn had to admit there was something special about being “aunty Mari” to you.

“My knuckles were bruised like violets” her unmistakable voice drifted around the room causing you to immediately gasp with excitement. This happened to be one of your favourite songs despite not understanding the lyrics in this headspace. “Oh gosh you are a little cutie when you get so excited at something so much, you start jumping up and down. Gonna dance with me bug?”

“Mari! Mari n me dance!” You giggled running to take the red heads hand, your dress swaying gently with your pace. She was more than happy to just sway with you as your little smile lit the room up.

We can plant a memory garden,

Beautiful flowers in a variety of vibrant colours sprouted from the walls, clearly your ability wasn’t so easily controlled in this state.

Say a solemn prayer; place a poppy in my hair

With an unpracticed ease, Marilyn reached over to grab the flower that lay on her work station before slipping it just behind your ear. Causing you to give her a bright smile as the song continued.

There’s no morning glory, it was war, it wasn’t fair

And we will never go back to that bloodshed crimson clover

Uh-huh, the worst was over

My hand was the one you reached for

You couldn’t help but pout when the song ended as you knew it meant Marilyn needed to work and you wouldn’t continue making your pictures at the desk. But wanting to be good like you promised you would be you settle back down relatively quickly.

Minutes turned into hours before Larissa could finally escape the board meeting and back to her girl. The walk to the conservatory was longer than she remembered. The gentle waves of music hit the blonde first, it wasn’t uncommon for Marilyn to work to music. She stated it helped her feel more connected to the plants which always made the blonde chuckle. But this very specific musician had to be your pick. If there’s one thing she knew, her girl loved Taylor swift no matter what headspace she’s in.

Casually peaking around the doorframe, she saw Marilyn in her own world tending to some white roses and you sat at her desk, tongue out as you focused on the paper before you. Both the occupational were humming along to the music and clearly not noticing the extra presence. A rare moment to bask in the adorable sight before her, Larissa couldn’t help but smile.

The moment you spotted the woman, you were out of the chair and barrelling into her legs with your body. “Mommaaaaaaa” you squealed happily as she scooped you up into her arms. “Hello to you too my darling. Did you have fun with Mari?” One innocent sweet kiss pressed to your cheek as you launched into recounting every detail of your day. Rambles of the songs, the flowers, your drawings and dancing filled the room. Both the other women couldn’t help but lovingly watch you explain every last detail. Truly, they were lucky to have you in their lives.

"Oh darling, you’re just so adorable when start babbling without realising. Momma loves to hear her girl all happy." Larissa murmured ruffling your hair slightly before setting you on the ground with slightly flushed cheeks.

All I know, this morning when I woke

Is I know something now, know something now,

I didn’t before

“Momma! This our song!” You exclaimed excitedly, “dance momma. Dance.” You held your hand out to the principal causing Marilyn to chuckle, “your turn Ris isn’t that right bug? Momma should have a dance with you.” As if she could say no, the little look on your face was simply too cute for words. With ease, she strides over to you scooping you up and placing you on her hip. You instantly snuggled into her warmth, your head settling into her neck. “Mari dance” you whined into her soft skin causing Larissa to silently invite the red head to join you. The three of you swayed to song after song, soaking in the moment of peace. Little did you know this was the start of something beautiful for you all.

Word count~ 874

[ohdorothea]

This tournament is being run by and for queer fans so please keep that in mind! Homophobes will be blocked on sight <3 More polls here and more info here! Lyrics for the songs and FAQ under the cut!

The Great War lyrics

My knuckles were bruised like violets

Sucker punching walls

Cursed you as I sleep talked

Spineless in my tomb of silence

Tore your banners down

Took the battle underground

And maybe it was egos swinging

Maybe it was her

Flashes of the battle come back to me in a blur

All that bloodshed, crimson clover

Uh-huh, sweet dream was over

My hand was the one you reached for

All throughout the Great War

Always remember, uh-huh

Tears on the letter, I vowed

Not to cry anymore

If we survived the Great War

You drew up some good faith treaties

I drew curtains closed

Drank my poison all alone

You said I have to trust more freely

But diesel is desire

You were playing with fire

And maybe it's the past that's talking

Screaming from the crypt

Telling me to punish you for things you never did

So I justified it

All that bloodshed, crimson clover

Uh-huh, the bombs were closer

My hand was the one you reached for

All throughout the Great War

Always remember, uh-huh

The burning embers, I vowed

Not to fight anymore

If we survived the Great War

Uh-huh, uh-huh

It turned into something bigger

Somewhere in the haze

Got a sense I'd been betrayed

Your finger on my hairpin triggers

Soldier down on that icy ground

Looked up at me with honor and truth

Broken and blue

So I called off the troops

That was the night I nearly lost you

I really thought I'd lost you

We can plant a memory garden

Say a solemn prayer

Place a poppy in my hair

There's no morning glory

It was war, it wasn't fair

And we will never go back to that

Bloodshed, crimson clover

Uh-huh, the worst was over

My hand was the one you reached for

All throughout the Great War

Always remember, uh-huh

We're burned for better, I vowed

I would always be yours

'Cause we survived the Great War

Uh-huh, uh-huh

I will always be yours

'Cause we survived the Great War

Uh-huh

I vowed I will always be yours

���🫶🫶

Dear Reader lyrics

Dear reader, if it feels like a trap

You're already in one

Dear reader, get out your map

Pick somewhere and just run

Dear reader, burn all the files

Desert all your past lives

And if you don't recognize yourself

That means you did it right

Never take advice from someone who's falling apart

Never take advice from someone who's falling apart (You should find another)

Dear reader, bend when you can

Snap when you have to

Dear reader, you don't have to answer

Just 'cause they asked you

(You should find another)

Dear reader, the greatest of luxuries is your secrets

Dear reader, when you aim at the devil

Make sure you don't miss

Never take advice from someone who's falling apart

Never take advice from someone who's falling apart

So I wander through these nights

I prefer hiding in plain sight

My fourth drink in my hand

These desperate prayers of a cursed man

Spilling out to you for free

But darling, darling, please

You wouldn't take my word for it if you knew who was talking

If you knew where I was walking

To a house, not a home, all alone 'cause nobody's there

Where I pace in my pen and my friends found friends who care

No one sees when you lose when you're playing solitaire

You should find another guiding light, guiding light

But I shine so bright

You should find another guiding light, guiding light

But I shine so bright

You should find another, you should find another (Guiding light)

Find another, you should find another

You should find another

🫶🫶🫶

The question is which song is queerer to you! Queerer can mean whatever you want it to mean; you might consider a song queer because you think it was written that way, or because of Swiftian lore. It might be queer to you because of how you relate it to your own life. Maybe you think from a purely literary standpoint the lyrics have queer themes; maybe you're just thinking about vibes!!!

If you’d like to send in interpretations or propaganda for a specific song you can send them to my inbox! All interpretations are welcome and let’s be open and kind in response to all interpretations <3

[neallo]

I love your writing so much and this has rekindled a love for a ship I haven’t looked at in over a decade. Also which Taylor swift song is the most meronia coded and why is it Mastermind?

HI i love this ask so much. you're incredibly sweet and this is one of my absolute favorite things about meronia -- the fact that people who were into it a long time ago sometimes poke their heads back in and get re-invested T__T (<- happened to me also, kind of, except my interest was only fleeting bc there wasn't a lot of fic i could find when i first looked back in the day) -- ALSO. you have come to the right man re: TS song. Mastermind is extremely meronia, but i will actually respectfully suggest the alternative The Great War as the most meronia coded of her works; i first heard it while i was getting into meronia, and i think it made me a million times more obsessed with them lmao. let me pull my favorite lyrics to demonstrate.

My knuckles were bruised like violets / Sucker punching walls, cursed you as I sleep talked

Mello's frustration at his inability to beat Near in their Wammy's era rivalry continuing into what he dwells on after he runs away from Wammy's.

Spineless in my tomb of silence / Tore your banners down, took the battle underground

Mello, rather than staying with Near and choosing to fight side-by-side, disappears (tomb of silence) and begins to work towards being able to take down Kira on his own (tore your banners down), eventually infiltrating a criminal organization to give him resources to do so (took the battle underground)

My hand was the one you reached for / All throughout the Great War

Near very readily would have welcomed the opportunity to work with Mello :(

Always remember / Tears on the letter / I vowed not to cry anymore / If we survived the Great War

This just feels like it fits great for Mello being beside himself over L's death, and then post-timeskip being so completely ruthless and focused on his goals.

You drew up some good faith treaties / I drew curtains closed, drank my poison all alone

I think this aligns nicely with the scene of Mello getting his photograph back from Near. Near keeping that photo safe for him, and intervening on Mello's behalf to prevent him from being killed by the notebook by talking to people who knew him, is a demonstration of his care for Mello and his willingness to work together. I don't think Near was under the illusion that this would win Mello over, but it did demonstrate that. Mello gives him some information, but also tells Near he won't work with him, and goes off on his own again.

And maybe it's the past that's talking, screaming from the crypt / Telling me to punish you for things you never did / So I justified it

Honestly this bit is so good for Mello killing off half the SPK. Punishing Near for things he never did! He justified it! Etc!

All that bloodshed, crimson clover / The bombs were closer / My hand was the one you reached for / All throughout the Great War / Always remember / The burning embers / I vowed not to fight anymore / If we survived the Great War

This works great if you, like me, have a canon divergent AU in your head where Mello refuses to team up with Near but privately expects to reunite with him after the Kira case is over, and vows to himself to let bygones be bygones if they both live. God I'm going to be fucking sick (This is actually more or less the precise vibe of together (always), esp the first part)

It turned into something bigger / Somewhere in the haze, got a sense I'd been betrayed / Your finger on my hairpin triggers / Soldier down on that icy ground / Looked up at me with honor and truth / Broken and blue, so I called off the troops / That was the night I nearly lost you / I really thought I lost you...

We can plant a memory garden / Say a solemn prayer, place a poppy in my hair / There's no morning glory, it was war, it wasn't fair / And we will never go back to that / Bloodshed, crimson clover / The worst was over / My hand was the one you reached for / All throughout the Great War / Always remember / We're burned for better / I vowed I would always be yours / If we survived the Great War

Then there's the bridge, and the last verse, which you see above. These don't really fit neatly with canon meronia but at this point in the song I'm in so deep re: meronia that I'm vaguely hallucinating a canon divergence that would make these fit, and I'm screaming crying and throwing up about it. The vibes still feel extremely meronia to me, just in a way I can't quite articulate coherently. Because of the screaming crying and throwing up about them.

there you have it, there's my entry for The Taylor Swift Meronia Song Ever. thank you for coming to my TED talk!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[jessicaloons]

Chapter 7:

All that bloodshed, crimson clover…

Masterlist - Previous - Next

I should’ve known that Camille and I would never be friends. From day one when Charles brought her along, introducing her officially as his girlfriend. We were sitting at our table, Charles and Daniel left to get some drinks, Joris and Shima were talking away, as she scooted next to me, giving me a pretty smile when she looked around, then her expression changed.

"I know that Charles and you are like siblings, super close and whatever. But please be aware that he has now a girlfriend, so his undivided attention is on me. Not on you. And I’ve seen the little edits and posts of your so called fans… you and Charles are friends. That’s it. There is no love story behind it. So please stop being all over him, hugging him and touching him inappropriately the whole time. If that’s clear for you, I can tolerate you." she whispered it fast in my ear and before I could even say anything she smiled and gave me a side hug "I’m so excited to hear all the childhood stories you have in store from Charles!" then she laughed and I saw Charles sitting down next to her, smiling happily that his girlfriend and best friend seemingly got along pretty well. I just nodded, took the drink Daniel brought for me and jugged it down, then I grabbed his hand and dragged him onto the dance floor.

"Are you okay, Lizzie?" Daniel asked and I just nodded.

"Yeah! I just wanted to dance! So, come on! Let’s get this party started!" I answered and he just cocked an eyebrow but played along.

When the night ended and we were all sitting in the taxi back home to Charles flat I had a weird feeling in my gut. Usually I would sleep in Charles’ bed and Shima and Daniel would sleep in the guest bedroom but after Camilles little speech, it didn’t felt right. So when we arrived at his flat and I was ready for bed, I left the bathroom and grabbed a blanket from the cupboard in the hallway and snuggled into the sofa.

"What are you doing, ma belle?" Charles whispered 10 minutes later and stood in front of me "I was waiting for you and thought you got lost on your way!"

"I shouldn’t sleep in your bed anymore, Charles. You have a girlfriend now. It’s not really respectful towards her…" I mumbled and faked a yawn, eyes closed.

"I can’t let you sleep on the sofa, ma belle! That’s ridiculous! Come on!" Charles said and tried to snatch the blanket away, but I held it close to my body.

"Charles, let me sleep now! Go to bed! Good night!" I groaned and turned around, turning my back on him. I heard him leaving a minute later. And I let out the breath I didn’t know I was holding in.

"Happy Birthday, Lizzie!" Arthur yelled and hugged me close, behind him I saw Clara, his girlfriend of 5 months.

"Happy Birthday, Lizzie! Thanks for inviting me as well!" she said and we kissed cheeks.

"How couldn’t I? You’re just the sweetest and I never saw little Tutur this happy!" I said and she smiled "So, there’s the bar, try the '22' it’s the signature cocktail for tonight!" she nodded and followed Arthur towards the bar.

Next arrived Joris and Riccardo, both almost screaming their 'Happy Birthdays'. Lorenzo arrived with Pierre, right after Jamie and Jessica. I looked over and saw Daniel and Shima talking with Joris. Julia and Andrea sitting in a corner, both pregnant and exchanging the newest mum gossip. I talked to everyone, dancing a little but couldn’t stop myself from checking the clock and the entrance every couple of seconds. No sign of Charles. My heart got heavy. I was just about to get a drink when Charles arrived, alone.

"Happy Birthday, Lizzie." he said and hugged me only for a second then let go of me.

"Thanks Charlie, are you okay?" I asked him and he just nodded.

"Yeah sure, I just need a drink." he answered and with that he was gone, off to the bar.

I didn’t see Charles much the whole evening, after an hour or so Camille walked in with 2 of her friends, not even acknowledging me. As Andrea and Shima brought in my cake and everyone sang 'Happy Birthday' for me I looked around, searching for Charles, it was a tradition by now that we were fighting each other to blow out each others candles on our birthdays but he was standing in a corner, talking with Camille, not even singing. My heart stung and I felt tears in the corners of my eyes but I smiled even wider and pretended it’s because they were all singing for me, then I blew out my candles. As I opened my eyes, I made eye contact with Charles who looked at me for a second, then he looked at Camille who said something to him and he just nodded. After that she dragged him away. Worst birthday ever.

"Where’s Charles?" I asked Camille as she stood at the door with her 2 friends who only looked at me once and then walked off.

"He’s getting the car, we’re leaving. I’m feeling not that good." she just said and with that I only nodded.

"Then get well soon, Camille. Take care." I said and walked away, straight into Joris who pulled me into his side.

"If they don’t want to celebrate, more to party for us, right?" he tried to cheer me up and I smiled at him, tears threatening to fall.

"Thanks Jo." I whispered as he kissed my temple and together we walked on the dance floor.

"So what does that mean?" Charles asked and I just shrugged my shoulders as I was adjusting the mask and dropping some chips in our shopping cart "It‘s decided? You’re definitely not racing?"

"Nope, the WSeries generates not enough money to compensate for all the special guidelines and protocols that have to be followed." I sighed and he only shook his head, as Camille stepped in front of us.

"Bae? What takes you so long? Come on! We have so much to do!" her voice is loud and shrill and I’m for once happy that I have to wear a mask as I grimaced at the way she called him ‚Bae‘ and how her ring clad fingers clasped around his bizeps.

"Oh Lizzie, I hope you don’t mind, I asked Joris if you could stay tonight at his place. Charles and I want some time alone… you know it’s a bit crowded with all 3 of us at our flat!" her voice is sweet like honey as she almost whispered it to me, Charles ahead of us pushing the cart as she walked next to me.

"Yeah, sure. Have fun in your flat." I answer and put a lot of emphasis on the your, then I walked away.

I tried it with her, more than once. But whenever I tried to approach her, be nice to her, talk to her, she always showed me that she’s not interested in any kind of friendship. She and her friends told me more than once that I’m only a friend of Charles’ and that she is his main focus. In front of everyone else, especially Charles, she played the sweet girlfriend who’s oh so nice to me, but the ugly truth was: she hated me. And she made it her goal to show me just how much.

"She called it ‚our‘ flat, Jo! OUR FLAT!" I vented and Joris just shook his head, downing his glass "There are so many sweet girls out there, why her?"

"Oh Lizzie, come on you know the answer…" Joris mumbled and I looked at him confused "Nevermind… Camille kicked you out of HIS flat because they want some time alone? She’s such a liar!"

"What do you mean?" I sat up and looked at him "Spill the tea, Trouche!"

"He sent me a text a couple of minutes ago, she must’ve told him a lie…" Joris began and started to look through his phone "Here…"

"Oh wow, clever… but wait? Why did you let me stay here? What did she tell you?" I asked him and he shrugged his shoulders.

"You looked like a lost puppy, you had booze and food…" he answered and I snorted.

"So I stood in front of your door and you just let me camp out here not even questioning me what I’m doing here? Just accepting it?" he nods and I hug him "I think I like you even more than Charles!"

"Oh Lizzie, we both know that’s not true… but thanks for saying it anyway!" we both laughed "What are we watching?"

"The downfall of my career? Is that a movie?" I asked and Joris chuckled.

"No, but I just remember, have you read the news article about you? From earlier today?" Joris asked and I shook my head "It’s on BBC sports, wait I have it open on my iPad." he got up and returned a moment later with his iPad "I really hope that it will help you to get a seat!" he handed me his iPad and I started reading.

"He is so right! I really hope it opens some eyes!" Joris said as I locked the screen "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, it’s just… it’s the first time a serious and big broadcaster supports me so openly! I mean yeah sure, Sky and Co. always supported me, but they never talked about the… what did he write… injustice. They just said that I would deserve a seat but that’s it. I want to thank him. How do I do that?" I said and Joris looked through the website.

"There is a contact mail address so maybe you could send an e-mail? Or check if he has Insta?" he said and I nodded. I had to thank Andrew Benson. He was the first male journalist who tackled this issue. And he wasn’t just a journalist, he was the chief F1 writer for the BBC. His opinion would be taken serious. And that was something that I really appreciated.

"…she’s just so annoying! Why can’t she just stay in stupid Germany and drink beer and look like a bulky, fat bitch on her own. Yeah she gained so much weight over this break!Why does she always have to hang around Charles! And why is she always hugging him? Ugh I hate it! He can’t focus on his career if he always has to think about what happens with hers! He’s way to good for her, for this world!" Camille talked on the phone on the balcony as I came back from my morning run.

I quietly made my way into the guest bed room, took out my MacBook and booked the next flight from Nice to Stuttgart. In 4 hours was the departure. There were two things she was right about, as much as I hated to admit it, Charles needed to focus on his own career now and not what happens to mine, and she was also right when it came to my body, since I knew there wouldn’t be a season to drive in this year I hadn’t been super strict with my diet and also skipped one or two work out sessions. I just didn‘t thought someone would notice. Apparently I was wrong. So when I wanted to jump under the shower I took a good look in the mirror, she was more than right, I was getting bulky. I pinched the excess fat on my stomach, I sighed. I had to lose some weight, that’s for sure. With that I showered and dressed up as Charles walked into the room.

"So I was thinking we could… what are you doing?" he looked confused.

"I need to sort out what I’m doing now. I can’t just sit around, doing nothing!" I mumbled and grabbed my suitcase and opened it up.

"You sure you don’t want to stay a little longer?" Charles asked as I threw my stuff into my suitcase.

"No, Charles, it’s alright. I have to figure out what I’m doing this season and you have to start preparing for the new season and well you have…" I answered and Charles looked at me.

"What do I have?" he asked and raised an eyebrow.

"Doesn’t matter." I mumbled but Charles tucked at my wrist and made me look up to him.

"You have Camille, Charles. You should spend your time with her." I said bluntly and continued to throw my stuff into my suitcase.

"Yeah sure, she’s here sometimes, but she’s not you? And I want to spend my time with you…" he began but I clapped my hands and interrupted him.

"All done." I said and Charles just shook his head.

"You and Camille? Is there like… I don’t know, don’t you like her?" he asked and I turned away to grab my backpack.

"No, she’s nice. I’m happy for you. I don’t know, we kinda didn’t have the biggest chance to get to know each other that much, but that’s fine. She makes you happy, right? And as long as you’re happy, I’m happy!" I lied and shoved my phone into my backpack "We’ll talk later, ok? I gotta get going if I want to catch my flight!"

"You’ll be in Austria, right?" he asked and I nodded.

"Of course, Charles!" I answered and with that I hugged him, before I gave him a kiss on his cheek I stopped myself, Camilles words in the back of my mind. Charles seemed to notice my hesitation and hugged me tighter before kissing my temple.

"You know that I love you, right? No matter what?" he whispered and I could feel my throat closing up, tears stinging in my eyes. I swallowed hard and nodded.

"Sure. I love you too, Charles." I whispered back and with that I pushed myself off of him and turned around to grab my backpack and suitcase. As I got into the taxi and Charles waved me goodbye, I could feel the tears streaming down my face.

14. June 2020:

"I think you should tell Charles how she is towards you? I mean, she’s so sweet and nice! But when I heard how she talked to you?" Julia said and I just shook my head.

"He loves her, Julia. And she’s making him happy… so if that is how it is, then I’ll have to accept it." I replied and she just shrugged.

"I don’t know, Liz… maybe she is a good girlfriend to Charles, but if he knew how she’s with you? He would break up in no time!" Julia said and I shook my head.

"He’s happy, so I am too. I can take whatever she has in store for me." I answered and with that the topic was done.

"You haven’t eaten much? I thought that’s your favourite cake?" Julia asked then, glancing down at my plate, cake barely eaten.

"Stomach bug…" I said and she raised an eyebrow.

"Okay?" she looked not really convinced.

"I need to stay in shape." I sighed and Julia nodded slightly.

"Hmm ok…" she said and looked at me for a while.

Julia walked me outside, I glanced one last time at little Alex and waved Julia’s mum before we walked to my car.

"Did they made a decision yet, about next season?" Julia asked and I shook my head, watching the neighbour kids play with their football on the lawn.

"No, not yet. They say we will start next year with another season, but yeah we will see how it plays out." I answered.

"I don’t get why they won’t do this season? F1 starts next month, right?" she asked and as I nod she scoffs, I stood in front of my car and sighed.

"Yeah well, it is what it is." I shrugged and then I heard a loud engine roaring, coming our way and I turned and looked at the street, right in front of me the huge traffic sign with a circled 30, a black Mercedes with it’s blasting engine coming closer.

I turned to Julia as I saw the football of the neighbour kids rolling on the street, the younger boy running after it, not looking for cars or anything. The driver of the Mercedes was not slowing down at all, so I had to act fast and ran to grab the little boy, but in a split second the car was in front of us and I had no other choice, I scooped him up, turned my back to the car and braced myself for the impact. I closed my eyes and encased the boy in my arms, trying to shield him as good as I could. I felt a shock wave going through my body, all feelings were gone, only weightlessness and silence left. Then it changed and I heard the faint whimpering of the boy. Then another shock wave and the pain erupted through every fibre of my body. I felt myself moving and opened my eyes, but I only saw blurred outlines. With my body still moving, it felt like I was skidding across the tarmac. Then the underground changed into something more soft and my body came to a halt. I laid on my back, the trembling boy on my chest crying. I took a painful deep breath and opened my eyes.

“Are you okay? Little one?” I whispered breathlessly and he slowly turned his head up and looked at me “Can you carefully move your legs for me? And then your arms? Good job, buddy. It’s going to be okay!”

I heard the blood rushing in my ears. The throbbing pain in my head was getting worse. I felt how my hair was getting wet, some liquid trickling down the side of my head into my neck. My limbs started hurting like they were crushed. Breathing shallow, lungs feeling like they were on fire. Somewhere far away I heard someone screaming my name, my hands slipped from the boys back as I turned my head to the right. I saw the green grass around us turning redder and redder, stained with my blood, I focused on the clover, crimson droplets on the four leafs, then everything turned black.

Charles POV:

It was all over the news, even a video of it was on TikTok. I drummed with my fingers on the steering wheel, driving faster than allowed. The image of her petite frame flying through the air, skidding over the tarmac, her body on the blood soaked grass, the paramedics leaning over her lifeless body, reanimating her. It all kept playing in a loop inside of my head. I couldn’t lose her. She couldn’t be gone. I couldn’t live without her. It just was not possible.

"How is she?" my first words as I stormed into the waiting area but as I saw the look on their faces my world began to crumble, my vision getting blurry. Someone helped me sit down, but I couldn’t see who.

"She’s still in surgery. We have to wait now and have faith."

She was still in surgery? It happened almost 12 hours ago.

She looked so peaceful, so beautiful, as if she was sleeping, if it wasn’t for the tube, the cords and wires attached to her body, the bruises on her face, the bandages covering most of her body, a cast on her left hand and right leg. I held her cold hand, tracing patterns on the back of it, like I did so many times before, only this time her cheeks aren’t turning red, she’s not giggling and giving me that look that made all my insides melt. No, she felt cold, as if she wasn’t here. Her presence gone, every room she entered always lit up because of her, but I sat in a dark hospital room, sterile walls, sterile sheets, machines beeping, screens illuminating the space between us, the smell of disinfectant in the air. The last time I sat in a room like this was Dads and she was the one guiding me through it, shining like a beacon of hope. But she wasn’t here to do it again. And I had no idea how I would survive this without her. I could feel hot tears stinging in the corner of my eyes. This time I had to be the strong one, for the both of us, but how? How, when everyone I loved only left me alone? How when the only one who ever got through to me, was the one I needed to be strong for. My breathing ragged and my chest hurt when I felt a hand on my shoulder and I flinched.

"Charles? When was the last time you slept?" Marina asked quietly and I looked up, trying to stable my breathing again.

"I don’t know, when you called I got straight into the car and drove here? Since when am I here?" I am confused, my brain still lacking oxygen as I followed her look on the clock.

"Almost 24 hours! Charles, go home, have a nice shower, sleep and then come back in the morning?" she said it gently but one look in her face and I know there’s no point in arguing "Sissy is at home. It’s good for her and Liam, when they’re not alone."

I got up and hugged her tight. Then I kissed Lizzie on the forehead and left.

I stood in front of her bed, it’s unmade, typical Lizzie, 3 books in it, 2 more on her nightstand and a whole stack of books next to it. I walk to her closet where some of my clothes were stored. As I picked up the clothes I turned around and left the room and went to shower. I dressed up and left the bathroom as I saw a shadow in Lizzies door, I quietly walked around the corner and looked inside her room.

Liam climbed into her bed and snuggled Lizzie’s favourite pillow. A rainbow I won at a fair a couple of years ago for her. I quietly walked in and Liam looked at me with his big, bright blue eyes that reminded me so much of her, although Lizzie’s eyes were darker, more grey, but they were equally big and they both mastered the puppy eyes.

"Hey Buddy, what are you doing?" I sat down next to him and he crawled into my lap, hiding his face in my chest, Lizzie’s rainbow still pressed tight to his body.

"Miss her." he whispered "She reads bedtime story better than Mama…" he sobbed quietly and I hugged him tight to my chest.

"I miss her too, Buddy." I answer and could feel my shirt dampen from Liams tears.

"When Mama made fruit snack a man on the screen said that Lizzie is in crit- crit-tital coniton?" he mumbled and I held my breath "What’s that? Opa said Lizzie sleeps suuuper deep!"

"Yeah, she does, she’s super exhausted from saving that little boy, so her body needs a lot of rest, that’s why she’s sleeping suuuper deep!" I answer, although I felt my throat closing up.

"Poke her to wake up!" Liam sits up and looks at me, tear smeared face, red eyes and nose.

"That’s not so easy, Liam. We need to give her time! And then we will maybe poke her and wake her up, okay?" I said and he sighed loudly.

"OK, but I sleeps here! Smells like her!" he whispered and snuggled again back into my arms. I smiled and laid down, sending Sissy a text that Liam’s with me, after a moment my phone buzzes and she texts back,wishing us a good nights rest. I saw a text from Camille, one of a dozen she already sent me since I was here, asking when I would be back in Monaco. But I ignored it, like I ignored the other ones. For now I had to stay here.

Leaving her did not feel good, although I had to go back to Maranello for some last pre season tests, I dreaded it.

"We‘ll call you as soon as something new comes up, Charles. She would be mad if you would miss the season opener because of her, you know that!" Juergen said and I just sighed.

"Yeah, I know, she would rip my head off." I answer with a faint smile and he just nodded, before he pulled me into a hug.

"Go and make her proud!" now I just nodded and left the hospital, then I drove back home to say goodbye to Marina, Liam and Sissy.

"I’ll be back here as soon as I can, ok Buddy?" I said as I hugged him tight to my body.

"Careful on track! I don’t want you to sleep deep like Lizzie!" he whispered and I swallowed hard.

"I’ll take care, Buddy! I promise!" I answered and sat him down, then I hugged Sissy and Marina goodbye and walked up to my car. I got in, backed out of the driveway and waved one last time before I headed back to Maranello, where I was until 5 days ago.

"It’s really a shame, she’s so young!" a woman’s voice.

"I googled her, she’s a racing driver and a pretty good one as well!" another woman‘s voice.

“So she’s an athlete? God no! She will hate to adjust to a life where she practically can’t do anything athletic at all…” the first one again.

“To adjust to this new life she has to wake up first… and Dr. Friese said she most likely won’t.”

“Such a young, pretty girl. It’s really a shame.”

I could open my eyes just a crack, it was a dark room, illuminated by some screens, all loud beeping. I tried to move, but my body didn’t react. I tried to say something, but again, my body didn’t react. I started to panic and everything turned dark again.

“So what are you saying?” Dad.

“It’s been now almost 14 days, her brain showed little to no brain activity.” a male voice, probably a Doctor.

Again I could open my eyes just a crack. It’s bright in the room. The frames of Mum and Dad standing at the foot of my bed, 2 men in white opposite them.

“Is there any chance that the brain activity will increase?” Mum. Broken voice.

“I want to be honest with you, Mr. and Mr. Doetterer. The chance of your daughter waking up is less than 5 %. But even if she wakes up, she’ll be bound to machines and be bedridden. In a comatose state. I know your daughter is a very active person, her body is besides the damage brought through the accident in great shape. Some nutrients are missing a little, but as she’s a vegetarian it’s no wonder, but still really, really good” the other Doctor.

“What do you suggest?” Dad again. His voice sounded almost mechanic.

“We would advise to stop the life support. And given the excellent health of your daughter, you should consider to donate her organs. I know this sounds cruel, but with every day passing the condition of her organs gets worse and…” the first Doctor.

“I think Mr. and Mrs. Doetterer understood, why don’t you go ahead and look for the next patient?” the other one said, and the first doctor left “I’ll leave you alone. If you need anything, just push the button. I’m really sorry.”

Mum sat down on the chair to my right, I could barely saw her taking my hand, but I couldn’t feel her touch.

“Hey my pretty girl.” she whispered, tears in her eyes.

I tried to open my eyes wider, move my head, wiggle my fingers, just anything to sign them that I was still there. But my body betrayed me. The little light and sight my eyes granted me began to fade.

“My little owl, Lizzie! Please! If you’re somewhere in there, just give us a sign! Anything!” Dads voice is raw and gravelly.

I drifted off into darkness, I tried to fight it, screaming, crying, nothing happened. Silence.

“I think they will pull the plug. I mean, what else can they do?”

“Nothing, that’s the sad thing. At least her organs will safe some lifes!”

“Yeah, but because of the accident, they can’t use her lungs and spleen. Really a shame.”

“Do you know how long she’s got left?”

“The doctors try to talk to the family tomorrow, after that? A day? Two?”

“Mhhh poor girl.”

“Yes, indeed.”

My eyes a crack open in silence. Bright lights in the room. Beeping of the machines.

A door opened. Mum, Dad and the older Doctor. Mum and Dad sat down to each of my sites.

“We will need some time to prepare anyways, for the organ removal. Take your time, let everyone say their goodbyes.” He left.

“Sissy and Marcus could come today, but what about Liam and Benji? I don’t want them to see her like that?” Mums voice wavered.

My two little babies. No, I don’t want their last memory of me be like this, bedridden, tube, cables and cords covering my body. They should remember me as their aunt who always played with them, ran around and always made them laugh.

“They have to say goodbye. See her one last time.” Dad sounded mechanic again.

“Okay, then Omi later as well. Tomorrow Daniel, Shima, Andrea and Julia?” Mum again.

“What about…” Dad stopped.

“He would want to come, they all would want it, but Juergen is it a good idea? He’s been through so much already! Another loss?” Mum sounded exhausted.

“He will lose her anyways. We all will. But if we don’t give him the chance to say good bye? We can’t do that Marina! Charles would never forgive us!” Dad as well.

Then it dawned on me what he just said. Charles. No. No. No. No. Not Charles.

“But his season starts this weekend! Do you really think it’s a good idea? Him seeing her like that? And then get in the car?” Mums voice was only a whisper.

NO! He can’t see me like this! It will remind him too much of Jules. He can’t see me like this! Not him! I won’t be there to get him through another loss! No! It’s not possible. And then him driving this weekend? No! Not Charles!

“I’ll call him, I’ll explain everything and then he can decide.” Dad got up.

My mind was doing somersaults. He can’t make that call. I had to do something. Anything. Come on Lizzie. I tried to scream. As loud as I could. Tried thrashing around, sending signals through my body with just my mind. And then…

“Did you see that?” Mum is shocked.

“See? Did you hear that?” Dad was next to me in an instant “Lizzie! If you can hear me just give me a sign! Anything!”

I screamed again. Started coughing. Something was in my way.

“She’s fighting the tube!” Mum pushed the call button, no she punched it and the door opened.

“Any more questions?” the younger Doctor again, his face went through multiple emotions when he saw me fighting the tube that was down my throat, my eyes blinking, body shaking “How is that even possible?”

“She’s exhausted buddy, be careful! Don’t wake her up.” Charles’ voice was soft.

“Wanna hug her! Now!” Liam.

My mind was playing cruel tricks on me. Charles voice, together with Liam, or were they here to say their final goodbyes? That’s what Mum and Dad talked about with the doctors right? And as soon as everyone said goodbye that was it. My life would end, just by pushing some buttons. Should I be calm? Or scared? What are you supposed to feel in the moments before your death? And where are the memories of my life that should be flashing before my eyes? I slowly opened them and looked around, my room was full of flowers, Mum and Dad talked to the doctors outside the room. Sissy filled up a cup with water and stood at my left. Charles sat in the chair on my right, Liam in his lap.

“Hey Bubba! Come here! I want the biggest hug you have!” I said with a raspy voice and Charles flinched.

“You’re awake!” he exclaimed and I nodded slowly.

“I am and now I want my hug!”

He carefully lifted Liam next to me, who hugged me slowly, gave me a kiss on the cheek and then snuggled next to me in bed.

“Oh ma belle, I was so scared….” Charles whispered and kissed my forehead, eyes teary.

“We all were!” Dad walked in and he looked as bad as I felt, maybe worse. Guilt in his eyes.

Charles moved aside and Dad gave me a gentle hug and kissed my cheek, Mum followed shortly after.

“Oh my pretty, pretty girl!” she whispered and a tear escaped her eyes, eyes with the same guilt in them like Dads.

The doctor stepped inside my room and stood at the foot of my bed and looked at me.

“Hello Lizzie, I’m Dr. Friese, one of your doctors here. How do you feel? Any headaches? Dizziness? Nausea?” I shook my head and he smiled, ticking something off on my record. “So, can you tell me, what is the last thing you can remember?”

You deciding to pull the plug on me.

I swallow and looked at Mum and Dad. I already knew that they felt horrible, thinking like they’ve almost killed me, they didn’t have to know that I knew about it.

“A lot of blood on a really nice and soft lawn.” I answered and the doctor smiled, then I remembered the little boy “Wait! The little boy? What happened to him?”

“Luka Maier, had a light whiplash, some bruises, a broken wrist and a broken foot. But nothing severe, only minor injuries, he left the hospital 10 days ago. Oh and this is for you!” Dr. Friese said and handed me a drawing of a girl in a racing suit and helmet, with wings and a halo, standing next to a race car. In the right corner a little message:

Dear Lizzie, thank you for being my guardian angel and saving my life! As soon as you wake up, I hope I can give you a hug! A big one! My Mama and Papa are saying that you are a real super hero!

Thank you! Luka!

I smiled at the drawing and handed it to my sister, she put it in the drawer of the bedside table, then she took my hand and kissed the back of it. I smiled at her and she only nodded, I turned back to the doctor.

“So? How fast can I get out of here? And when can I get back in my car?” I asked and was met with silence.

“Lizzie, I’m afraid I have to tell you, that you are paralysed from your waist down. When and if the paralysis will go away is at the given time impossible to determine.” Dr. Friese looked sad as he nodded to my parents and left the room.

Liam started to squirm and Sissy scooped him up, she excused herself and said she would walk around a bit with him, then she left. I coughed, my mouth dryer as any desert. Mum took the cup of water from the night stand and handed it to me, I took it and jugged the whole cup down.

“Lizzie, listen, for now this sounds bad, but, the accident is little over 3 weeks ago. There is a lot of swelling. Give it some time and rest, then we’ll see.” Dad said and Mum nodded agreeing. I nodded as well.

“Yeah! Sure! I mean, you’re right!” I said and smiled. Mum and Dad looked relieved “ Can I eat? Like normal stuff? Or not so good?”

“We will get you something! We’re so happy your appetite is back!” they shuffled out of the room and it was only Charles left.

“How was the first race?” I asked him.

“It was good.” he replied and sat down at the edge of my bed, taking my hand in his.

“What does that mean? Did you win? Podium?” I laughed.

“P2. And now tell me what’s really going on in that pretty head of yours?” he sighed and rubbed circles around my wrist.

“If the swelling will be gone and I end up being really paralysed, Charles, I can’t do that!” I whispered and Charles looked at me.

“Ma belle, listen to me. Every step of the way, I’ll help you as much as I can! We all will! You’ll never be alone in this! I promise!” he said and smiled at me encouraging.

“But if I’m paralysed, what am I supposed to do?" I whispered and he shook his head.

"We will find a way! But for now, can we just be happy that you’re alive? I was so scared of losing you!" he said and his voice broke and he took a deep breath "The way you lay here, all cold, not moving, lifeless… and- and god I had all these flashbacks to Jules. And dad."

"I’m sorry, Charles…" I whispered and he shook his head.

"Stop! Don’t you dare apologise for what this asshole did!" he hugged me carefully and sighed into my neck "God Lizzie, I’m so happy your awake! I just.. I couldn’t think of a life without you! I was so scared to never hold you in my arms again, to never talk to you again!"

"I’m here! I’m okay… well kinda." I said quietly and Charles nodded.

"Whatever’s gonna happen from now on, you’ll never be alone!" he said and I smiled.

"I know Charlie bear!"

————————————————————————

Little Note:

That's it, chapter 7 is out - well… tough one. Writing it wasn’t the easiest, that’s for sure!

Please leave a comment/ like/ reblog/ message and tell me how you liked it! I'm dying to hear your thoughts! I'm open to any criticism, bad or good, it doesn't matter!

If you want to be added to the taglist, drop a comment!

Last but not least, English is not my first language and although I tried my best: please excuse any mistakes I made!

Taglist:

@silkenthusiasts @eugene-emt-roe @sunny44 @itsjustkhaos

All pictures (besides the drawing 😂) are from Google, Pinterest, Instagram, etc.

[taylortruther]

The way almost EVERY single line in YLM can be related to a previous like she wrote about Joe is INSANE. Like YLM is basically the song that would most fit the theme of Midnights (reflecting on the past and integrating it into the present) and guess what? She left it out (for reasons that I understand).

Here we go;

You say I don't understand and I say I know you don't// Give you the silence that only comes when two people understand each other

We thought a cure would come through in time now I fear it won't// I thought the plane was goimg down, how'd you turn it right around?

Remember looking at this room, we loved it 'cause of the light...now I just sit in the dark and wonder if it's time// The entirety of Daylight duh

Remember looking at this room, we loved it 'cause of the light...now I just sit in the dark and wonder if it's time// The entirety of Daylight duh

Do I throw out everything we built or keep it //I am an architect I'm drawing up the plans (I'm reaching here I know)

I'm getting tired even for a phoenix always rising from the ashes // I am ash from your fire

Mending all her gashes // is this the end of all the endings, my broke bones are mending

You might just have dealt the final blow // Darling this was just as hard as when they pulled me apart (these two lines feel so similar to me)

Stop you're losing me (I hope I never lose you) I can't find a pulse my heart won't start anymore// he got my heartbeat skipping down 16th avenue

Every morning I glared at you with storms in my eyes// after the storm something was born on the 4th of July

How can you say that you love someone you can't tell is dying// There's many different ways that you can kill the one you love, the slowest way is never loving them enough

I sent you signals and bit my nails down to the quick // I gave SO MANY SIGNS

My face was GREY but you wouldn't admit that we were sick // I don't like anticipating my face in a RED flush (I could write an essay about just this grey/red parallel but nvm)

And the air is thick with loss and indecision//clearing the air I breathed in the smoke

I know my pain is such an imposition // You don't really read into my melancholia // Always taking up too much space or time // I'm not your problem anymore

Now you're running down the hallway // I heard your key turn in the door down the hallway // You were standing hollow eyed in the hallway

And you know what they all say "you don't know what you've got until it's gone" // he better lock it down or I won't stick around 'cause good ones never wait

How long could we be a sad song // each bar plays our song

Till we were too far gone to bring back to life // Do I really have to tell you how he brought me back to life?

I gave you all my best mes, my endless empathy // I'd give you my sunshine, give you my best// After giving you the best I had, tell me what to give after that?

And all I did was bleed as I tried to be the bravest soldier // All the bloodshed, crimson clover // And if I bleed you'll be the last to know // soldier down on that icy ground

Fighting in only your army // I'd sit with you in the trenches

Frontlines don't you ignore me // I'm still trying everything to keep you looking at me

I'm the best thing at this party // best believe I'm still bejeweled when I walk in the room, I can still make the whole place shimmer

And I wouldn't marry me either // She would've made a lovely bride // I'd marry you with paper rings // all they keep asking me is if I'm gonna be your bride // the entire bridge of Lover

A pathological people pleaser // what a shame she's fucked in the head // mirrorball tm // my covert narcissism I disguise as altruism

Who only wanted you to see her // Walking with his head down, I'm the one he's walking to

And I'm fading thinking DO SOMETHING BABE // Some boys are trying too hard he don't try at all though

SAY SOMETHING // You don't ever say too much

LOSE SOMETHING BABE RISK SOMETHING // this ain't for the best

CHOOSE SOMETHING BABE I'VE GOT NOTHING TO BELIEVE // stood on the cliffside screaming "give me a reason"

i have nothing intelligent to say but I LOVE THIS, let's discuss