#AND THE SEASON THAT JUST STARTED RIGHT BEFORE EIGHT FUCKING CAST MEMBERS LEFT

[bamboozled-distress]

I HATE IT WHEN I HAVE HYPERFIXATIONS ON SHOWS OR BOOKS AND THINGS AND THEN WHILE THIS IS HAPPENING I HEAR THAT THR SERIES OR WHATEVER IS ENDING AND I GET SO SAD YOU DONT FUCKING UNDERSTAND

I BARELY GOT TO LOVE IT AND ITS ENDING WHAT DO YOU FUCKING MEAN ITD ENDING I LOVE IT YOU CANT DO THIS TO ME PLEASE

[milazka]

August twelve — Rudy Pankow

image found on pinterest

summary: the one where it’s your boyfriend’s birthday and you planned an amazing day for him.

request: yes

content: fluff

author’s note: i didn’t add a smut part because i feel like i’m only writing smutty imagines and i needed to write a fluffy one with this hottie! my requests are open and you can find my masterlist at the end of this post if you feel like reading more of my stuff!

warnings: most of my stories may contain mature themes such as swearing, underage drinking, substance abuse, sexual language and scenes, fights and more. also, i do not intend to be offensive towards anyone who reads this blog, if anything written can be perceived as hurtful to any community or person, i apologize, it was never my purpose while writing it.

word count: 1700.

She was standing in the frame of the door, her pretty eyes observing the young man lying on the bed, his body half covered by the grey blanket. His chest was rising at a peaceful rate with no sign of trouble apparent on his angel face. A little smile slipped over her rosy lips as she thought about how lucky she was that this man was still a part of her life, twenty years later. Both born in Ketchikan, Alaska, just a few months apart, Rudy and her had grown up as a duo. hey did everything together. Rarely did you ever saw one without the other; she was the Bonnie to his Clyde and nothing in the world could have changed that. Over the years, they both had a few meaningless relationships, and they never lasted long. The girls were envious of his closeness with Y/n while the boys were quick to understand that she would never look at them the way she looked at Rudy; he was her person, but she hadn't figured it out yet. It was on a cold December afternoon, a few days before the New Year’s eve, that they exchanged their first kiss, their lips frozen by the Alaskan winter, both seated by the burning fire in the chimney. Five years later and in a much warmer town, she was looking at her sleepy boyfriend with the same sparks in her eyes.

“You're staring at my butt, aren't ya?” 

Rudy's sleepy voice took her out of her thoughts as she laughed. His eyes were half opened and he had pillow marks all over his right cheek. His disheveled blond hair was falling out in front of his pretty ocean colored eyes. She carefully made her way to the bed, trying not to knock over the breakfast tray she was holding with both hands. 

“I made you waffles” 

“The blueberry ones?” he asked with his childish voice and she nodded. “For what occasion?”

“It’s your birthday, remember?” she chuckled as she watched his facial expression change from confused to excited. He has always loved his birthday, especially since the day she became his girlfriend and always planned a day full of surprises for him. Rudy grasped her blue sweater sleeve and lured her towards him to kiss her lips tenderly.

“Mmm you taste like maple syrup.” 

“I may or may not have already eaten a waffle while cooking them,” she smiled, tilting her head to the side to give him her guilty puppy eyes, making him fall more in love with her. “I planned the whole day so you better start eating your waffles now because we’re leaving in an hour.”

“Did I ever tell you you're the best girlfriend?” he mumbled with his mouth full of waffles dipped in maple syrup.

“Many times, but I'll never get tired of hearing you say it, lover boy.”

“Good, because with such a good waffles recipe, you're stuck with me for a while, pretty girl!”

─── °• ❀ ───

Chase picked them up around eight pm in front of their apartment with his black truck, the rest of the cast were already at the the Pate’s house, decorating and preparing the cake. She had blindfolded his boyfriend and he kept asking where they were going every single minute of the trip like a child. He had done the same thing a few months ago when she took him skydiving for the first time, it was almost routine for her to hear him complain in the back of the car. 

“Stop asking, you big baby!” she said to him, turning her upper body toward the back of the car where he was seated. “It’s a surprise, I’m not gonna ruin it because you can't wait for a few minutes.”

He gave her his pouting face and crossed his arms on his chest, knowing she would not say a word to him about it even if he tried harder. A few minutes later, Chase parked his truck next to Drew's car. She walked to the left side of the car to opened Rudy's door, quickly kissing him on the lips and automatically causing a big smile to cover his pouty face. She guided him to the backyard with Chase’s help. He opened the back yard gate, letting them pass in front of him before closing it back so Lilah's dog would not run away like he did multiple times when they filmed the first season of the show. All the cast members were silently gathered in front of a multicoloured cloud of balloons and were holding a sign that said 'Happy birthday, Rudy!' 

“Okay, you can take your bandana off!” she said to his ear and he could feel the excitement in her voice. 

Slowly, he pulled his blindfold down and a wide smile slipped on his lips at the sight of all his friends singing happy birthday to him. He squeezed his girlfriend's hand while his friends were still singing and she couldn't help but let a few tears of joy run down her cheeks when she saw him so touched by the surprise she had planned for him. 

“Thank you for all of this, baby. I love you more and more everyday my sweet girl,” he whispered to her ear before leaning down to kiss her soft lips that tastes like caramel due to the caramel macchiato she drank in the car.

“I’m happy you’re happy, lover boy,” she said to him as he pressed his cheek against her palm, a smile at the corner of his lips. “Now, go hug your friends!” 

─── °• ❀ ───

After her and Rudy hugged and thanked everyone, they all swapped their clothes for bathing suits that would come in handy during their little boat trip of the afternoon. Jonas had let them borrow his boat, taking advantage of the fact that his children were with them to spend a day with his wife at the spa. Drew was at the helm of the boat while the others were all sitting on the benches, toasting to Rudy's birthday just before Chase announced that they were far enough away from the shore to put the tube in the water. JD, Rudy and Y/n were the first ones to shotgun a spot on the pneumatic tyre.

“Babe? Can you help with the zipper?” Rudy asked his girlfriend, frowning completely clueless.

“He’s twenty-two and still needs his girlfriend to zip his life jacket,” Jonathan mocked him, resulting in him being pushed in the water by a proudly smirking Rudy who quickly followed him the water, grabbing Y/n by the waist to take her with him. She surfaced quickly thanks to her life jacket, clearing her face of wet hair and sending a wince at her boyfriend. They all swam to the tube, splashing each other on purpose along the way. Rudy climbed aboard first and reached out his hand to Y/n to help her climb up. She sat between him and Jonathan, clutching a black rubber handle with one hand while the other was firmly intertwined with her boyfriend's hand. 

“Are you ready?” yelled drew, turning his upper body toward the back of the boat, his right hand resting on the wheel. 

“Aye aye, Captain!” Rudy screamed back and the boat begun to pick up speed. 

The water was splashing back in their faces and they could barely keep their eyes open, but they couldn't help smiling stupidly. The three of them let out cries of surprise and laughter every time they jumped a wave and almost got ejected from the tube. They could see Madison and Chase laughing at them while Madelyn filmed them for her next tomfoolery instagram post. Drew took a sharp right turn, dropping Y/n and JD on Rudy. She firmly grabbed her boyfriend's bicep after she lost her grip on the handle and pushed JD back up with her shoulder so he could settle back into his seat. Just when they thought Drew was done messing with them, he suddenly accelerated, ejecting them out of the tube like three little rockets. 

“You fucker!” Rudy shouted to his friend, laughing before turning towards his girlfriend. “You okay baby?”

“All good and still in one piece!” she replied, swimming back to the boat where Deion gave her a hand to climb up. A few seconds later, she felt a towel being placed on her shoulders and two arms wrapped around her waist. She smiled, turning her head to meet the face of her boyfriend who had pressed his chin to her shoulder. He placed a few kisses on her neck, making her squirm under his grip from the tickling of his lips against her wet skin. 

“Look at them! You guys are so cute,” whined Lilah, taking a picture of them. Y/n blushed while Rudy smiled proudly. “Can you send me the picture? I'm gonna post it on instagram.” rudy said as he grabbed his phone and sat on one of the benches while Chase and Madelyn were putting on their life jackets. She sat next to him, resting her head on his shoulder and playing with the hem of his boarding shorts, a gift she gave him for his birthday last year, right before he started shooting for Outer Banks. He quickly wrote a caption and posted the photo of them on his instagram, getting hundred of likes and comments only a few seconds after. 

‘My sweet girl. Thanks for the amazing birthday surprise! Love you to the moon and back, my love.’

“I love you too, baby,” she cupped his face with her palms and kissed his salty lips. “Oh, before I forgot,” she brought her face close to his and took her sensual innocent voice. “Since it’s your birthday, I’m gonna let you do whatever you wanna do to me tonight.”

His eyes opened widely and he cleared his throat. “Fuck, you’re gonna be the death of me, pretty girl,” he kissed her, nibbling at her bottom lip. “I’m gonna please you so much tonight that you’re gonna beg me to stop.” 

She smirked at him and grazed his crotch with her fingertips. “I look forward to it.”

─── °• ❀ ───

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[mollymauk-the-peacock]

Did I mention that Jess is a werewolf now?

Oh... well Jess is a werewolf now...

The whole excerpt of our role-playing below the cut if that’s of interest. It’s a lot of text, but it was one of my favorite campaign twists. Slightly edited for brevity, though not much. (Though removed instances of rolls and combat, as they took a bit out of the narrative when presented)

Cast of characters:

Poesy - (My PC) Human Gunslinger

Dottidee aka Dots - (PC) Gnomish Arcane Trickster/Feylock; wielder of a legendary blade, Shadow’s Edge,  that allows her to shift to the Shadowfell at will and sense the goings on of the parallel plane within the immediate area.

Jesse Edgewood - (NPC) Human Gunslinger/Bard; Poesy’s SO; Party knowledge prior was that Jess had been bitten by a shifted werewolf but didn’t undergo the change, which is not uncommon for individuals in our world. It remains dormant in your system forever, unless otherwise triggered by circumstances (news to us)

Clint Perch - (NPC) Young orphaned human druid; adopted by the town, lives with Jess

Brent - (Villain NPC) Half-elf Gunslinger/assassin; trained under Parre Despa, the man who once was Jesse’s teacher and the who orchestrated the original attack that ended with Jesse’s latent lycanthropy and ultimately sought to destroy Jesse’s family from the inside; the son of the Necromancer and nephew of the Death Cleric the party is currently attempting to end; apparent spy planted in the party’s chosen hometown/base of operations (we didn’t know he existed until a few days prior)

The Children of the Moon - (Group) Lycans of a sort, more magically-driven, less biological and fey than the sort of lycanthropy that affects the werewolves of Edgewood.

Annise - (NPC) Changeling Leader of the Shadows, the spy sect of the Champions mercenary group (Of which Dots and Jess are members)

Thaesilvancii - (NPC) Fledgling demigod protector of Sharvel; a silver dragon 

Shaen - (NPC) Half-elf, second to the leader of Champion’s defense forces, stationed at the North Tower.

Yenra - (NPC) Half-elf leader of the Champion’s Clerics

Ceila - (NPC) High Elf leader of the Champion’s Arcanists

Robert Balten - (NPC) Human Ranger; Long time family friend of Poesy’s; as good as a second brother; leader of military group the Talons operating from their home city-state Mountbatten

Edgewood Family - Shannon (Mom), John (oldest brother), Jacob (younger brother), Sarah (younger sister)

Setting: 

Sharvel, a crossroads town, growing larger by the day, chosen by the party as their apparent base of operations. Poesy lives with Jesse in his small house off the stables and smithy along with Clint and Jesse’s sister Sarah. Dots lives in the Inn across the town square from Jesse’s with her daughter Serasee.

North Tower, centralized Champion outpost

{” ”} --- Indicates some sort of telepathic communication, ie. message, telepathy, etc...

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sharvel; 3rd day of Earth, Ruen, 773

Moon Phases: Longun - Full moon | Von - full moon

Season: Fall

Time: Just past midnight

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

DM: The night grows darker and you all find rest in familiar beds. Sleep comes quickly. You both, with your unnatural perceptions, hear the crash, but to Poesy it is like the world is splintering around her. She wakes to the dim light of the moons shining through the bedroom window. To Dots, the crash was distant, but loud.

Poesy realizes almost immediately that she cannot move. There is a stale smell and she feels off, almost drunk.

Dots: Can I tell where the sound came from?

Poesy: Is there any light in the room?

Dots: Wandering into the hall...

DM: There is enough light for Poesy to see, and now you can start to turn your head.  You are alone in the bed and the bedroom door is open.  There's candlelight coming from the next room. Dots, it's hard to tell. There's no commotion from the Inn’s patrons. Poesy's arms and legs start moving sluggishly. Tingling painfully. 

You've been drunk enough to know that this is probably chemical, but it's something else.  Maybe some kind of poison. Dots, it's quiet, just past midnight. 

Poesy is finally able to sit up.

Poesy: Reaching over to the bedside table and grabbing Reciprocity as quietly as possible

DM: She can see the candle and something next to it, shiny.  Something small.

Poesy: ... what is it?

DM: Poesy manages to stand, holding the wall.

Dots: No broken windows visible? Going back to bed, then...

DM: She makes her way to the table where a single candle illuminates a note.

The note reads: 

Enough rest, it's time to go hunting.

-Brent

The shiny object is a silver bullet.

From beyond the ruined door Poesy hears the not so distant sound of a wolf's howl piercing the silence of the night.

Clint: "What was it!?"

Poesy: Snagging it and the note. Thrusting it out to Clint

DM: Clint is groggy, holding the wall.

Poesy: Going to grab her gun belt and boots. Are Jesse's things still where they should be?

DM: They are, but his night shirt is in shreds on the floor.

Poesy: Fantastic.

Clint: "Who's Brent?"

Poesy: Putting Jesse’s belts on bandolier-style after her coat over her nightdress.

Clint: He pauses and sniffs the air, then looks Poesy in the eyes.

Poesy: "The sick fuck who's been sticking his rat nose into things in Sharvel..."

Clint: "It's Jesse, isn't it?"

Poesy: "He's done something to him, hasn't he?"

Clint: "Go, I'll tell everyone.  Monks first." 

Poesy: Handing him one of the spare revolvers from her things, "Be careful."

DM: He gives a nod before he's gone. Clint flies out the door, sprinting barefoot through the street toward the monastery.

Poesy: Running across the street to the Inn. Finding Dots. Just straight up banging on her door as loud as possible.

Dots: "Aah. Be right there.."

Poesy: "Jesse's gone. Brent was here."

Dots: Throwing on her harness over her nightclothes.

Poesy: "Fucker drugged me. Did something to Jesse..."

Dots: "Gone where?"

Poesy: "I don't know," Handing her the note and bullet, "Clint's gone to the monks."

"The door was smashed down. Out towards town. We need to follow."

Does it feel like anything is off about the bullet? Is it one of Poesy's/Jesse's or is it strange?

DM: It's Merit sized, looks well made.  Nothing else peculiar other than it being silver.

Dots: Already heading towards the front door. "When you say Brent *did something* to Jesse..? Hurt him? Is Jesse fleeing?"

Poesy: "I don't know. But this," pointing to the silver bullet, "doesn't bode well. Especially considering the state of things in the house..."

"I don't even know what I'm thinking at this point. But nothing good has happened."

"And that's not my bullet. We should move quickly..."

"But careful. Don't need to barrel into some bullshit trap. That's what he wants, clearly."

Dots: "Poesy, nothing you said makes sense to me, but if we need to rescue Jesse, I'm ready."

Poesy: "I don't even *know* what's happening... We'll start at the house."

Poesy's already moving

"Do you feel anything? Off? With the Shadowfell?"

DM: Dots has spent plenty of time scoping out various areas for threats within the Shadowfell, so she'll know when something is off. For just such an occasion as this. Something is popping in and out of the Shadowfell. Distant. She only feels the transition.

Dots: "There's.. like something... blipping. Moving between the planes."

DM: Returning to the house it's clear there are large wolf tracks at the back door.

Dots: "Is this Clint?"

Poesy: She shakes her head

Dots: "That way." Dots points.

Poesy: Activating the Telestones. (**enchanted, paired stones allowing Telepathy between the party for an hour)

DM: You are both suddenly overwhelmed with a rush of emotions.  Fear... anger... hunger.  You know it's Jesse, but it is raw.

Poesy: {"Jesse? Where are you?"}

Dots: "Oh, I don't like whatever in the hells THIS is.."

Poesy: Poesy looks quite disconcerted, "Um... all signs were pointing towards something... wolf? In nature? Like the kind we were researching... not the Children..."

"The kind Jesse's already been involved with... thanks to Despa..."

"Unless that's precisely what he wants me to think and I just don't know at all..."

"There was an odd smell... Chemicals. I couldn't move. Jesse's clothes were in tatters. The note and the bullet were laid out to be found. Back door destroyed..."

Is there any sense of where Jesse's at?

{"Love? Can you come to me?"}

Dots: "Can chemicals turn a man into a wolf? Are they like magic?"

Poesy: “Couldn’t say. I don’t know exactly what they’ve done. Or really what happened to Jesse before when he got bit. It’s all... I’m at a loss.”

DM: You both feel the rage turn from an eleven down to about an eight.

Then you smell what he smells, the city, animals, people, and you feel him recognize Poesy's scent.

The unmistakable sound of a rifle echoes through the night answered by a pained howl.

Lights are starting to turn on.

Poesy: Where'd the shot come from?

DM: Dots feels more movement in the Shadowfell. At least several hundred yards away and not aimed at you.

Poesy: Heading off to the sound, running that way, the howl, if its a different trajectory.

Dots: Running. Full speed. {"Poesy, I might need to check out the Shadowfell. If I disappear, I'll be back in a minute."}

Poesy: She nods, still moving towards the howl.

To Jesse, not expecting a real response, {"Are you okay? Are you hurt?"}

DM: The response is pain, you feel it in your left thigh.

The two of you run.

You don't spend much time in this part of Sharvel. It's mostly houses, two stories, sometimes three. Tight alleys and cobble streets with dim street lamps. Most of the light comes from the two full moons.

Dots, you haven't felt the disturbance from the shadowfell for few hundred feet, it's only occasional and it hops around. Suddenly you round a corner and spot Brent for a split second, then he disappears into a shadow.  You feel him blink through the Shadowfell and then you feel him on the rooftop above, his footsteps sprinting away.

Dots: {"This motherfucker is jumping through planes AND distances at the same time!"}

Poesy: {"Can you catch him? But don't go too far.... I need to find Jesse."}

Are there townspeople coming out now with all the ruckus?

DM: There are, mostly curious, a few carrying clubs or pitchforks but looking defensive.

Poesy: "INSIDE. NOW."

DM: A few do run inside, but some barely seem to hear you. Nobody is looking for trouble.

You hear him first. Heavy footsteps on a roof. Tiles falling into an alley. Chasing after him it's hard to tell where he is exactly until suddenly you feel his breath on your hair. He's breathing heavily, so heavily you feel like his breath alone could knock you over.

Poesy: Turning... What am I looking at here...

DM: He's easily two feet taller than you, at least nine feet tall, if he weren't hunched over.  This beast in Jesse's night pants is all muscle and hair and teeth as long as her fingers. 

He whines, scratching at his thigh.

Poesy: Not stepping back, but it's pretty clear that it's rather terrifying... "Could you... get down please." Gesturing for him to sit down lower.

DM: He crouches.

Poesy: He seems pretty lucid?

DM: Nearly. He looks wild, scared, ready to snap. You're pretty secluded.

Dots: "Jesse...*

Poesy: Tentatively petting along the side of his face... trying to get a look at the bullet wound. While attempting to offer some little distraction.

DM: He growls a little, but allows it.

Poesy: "Breathe, please..."

DM: Dots, you feel Brent coming.

Dots: "Jesse, hold still. Don't do anything, please."

DM: Jesse turns toward Brent's approach, his hair bristling.

Dots: Cast invisibility on Jesse.  

DM: Jesse vanishes. You can feel him calming down.

Poesy: Poesy pulls her hand away carefully

Dots: Standing between Jesse and wherever I'm sensing Brent. "Here he comes."

Poesy: Reciprocity is out and oh-so-ready

Dots: Grabbing Shadow's Edge...

DM: Both of you feel arms, massive, furred arms, wrap around you before you fly into the air, bounding across rooftops like ragdolls.

Dots: {-oof- "That works too..." }

DM: He is barely outpacing Brent, who is in your trail without deviation. He finally comes to a stop in his stable.

Dots: "He's still coming. We need to end this!"

Poesy: Pulling on his arm to be let loose, "Get *down*, Jesse. You're hurt." She points to a corner or somewhere with cover, then nods to Dots.

Using the Telestone to try and gauge Jesse's emotions, {"What was that for?"}

DM: Jesse sets you down. All you get from Jesse is fear.

Then he's gone.  You don't feel him near you.

Dots, Brent turns North, headed out of town.

Poesy: "No...”

{"Where are you!?"}

Dots: "What in the hells just happened?"

"Quick, the horses! He's leaving town, but if we stay close I think I can track him!"

Poesy: Is there any sign at all of where Jesse's gone?

Poesy nods absently to Dots and helps with horses, "Which direction, Dots?"

DM: They mount the horses and head for the north. Dots, you hear his footsteps.

Poesy: Grabbing the sending stone, messaging Clint, {"Clint, where are the monks? Brent is leaving town now. North. Jesse's... not good, but we'll figure it out."}

Clint: {"Lilia and Harlen are looking. North, got it.  We contacted the Children of the Moon. Do not let him kill."}

DM: Chasing after them on horseback, soon things get very quiet.  Only the sounds of the horses on the open road.

Dots: Can I see them?

DM: You can feel Brent, he has a lead.

Poesy: {"Jesse? Where are you? I need you to let me know."}

Dots: {"I think they're IN the Shadowfell."}

Poesy: "Clint's told the monks Lilia and Harlen will be coming this way, with any luck."

To Jess, through the stones, {"Don't hurt anyone. Even Brent. Even if you really want to. Just stay back. We'll find you."}

Dots: "What could he be trying to do..? And WHY?"

Poesy: To Dots, "Children of the Moon are coming as well... Figure out what happened. Clint says Jesse can't kill. I don't know what that would lead to."

Dots: "If we get close enough, I might be able to stop Brent. Physically, at least."

Poesy: "We can end Brent, if the opportunity is provided. Just don't let Jesse do it."

Dots: "Right!"

DM: Brent is slowing.

Poesy: {"Love, I know you're afraid, I could feel it, just stay safe. Away from others, so they don't do anything out of shock. Just stay safe, and we'll be there soon."}

Focusing on the road, trying to keep an eye out for Brent. Putting on goggles (**Goggles of Night) and unslinging Merit

Dots: "We're gaining on him. But if he can jump through planes at will - and how IS he doing that? - then we'd have to incapacitate him with our first attacks, or lose him. I can't do it safely more than a couple times."

"I can go to the Shadowfell alone.. then no matter where he jumped, one of us would be on him.. "

Poesy: "If you think it will help... But we'll also be alone until you can move again. Don't get stuck."

Dots: "Hey, I don't want that any more than you do. Less, probably!"

DM: As you round a turn you see a flash in the distance.

Poesy is nearly pushed off her horse as a bullet tears through her shoulder, but holds tight to the reins.

Dots feels another jump

Poesy sees him occasionally, glimpses.

Dots: Dots hops off her horse; shifting to the  Shadowfell - full speed on foot.

Poesy: Poesy steadies her hand, aiming her revolver for his next appearance, intending to aim for his legs.

DM: Brent takes a shot in the leg, but continues to move. Dots, you're closing.

He's orbiting, trying to flank Poesy

Poesy feels a second shot graze her ribs as she rides on before Brent disappears into the Shadowfell once more.

When he reappears, Poesy takes a second shot towards his legs which strikes true, and knocks him prone on his back.

Dots, closing in on Brent from within the Shadowfell uses the moment to shift back while plunging Shadow’s Edge into his chest.

She feels a sudden RIP,  the dagger is nearly torn from her grasp. 

Brent is ripped away from her and lifted into the air by a leg by an invisible Jesse.

Dots: "Jesse, dammit, no!"

Poesy: "NO! JESSE, NO!" Racing that way still, fuck.

If Brent is dangling for any extended period of time, Poesy's gonna empty Reciprocity on him.

DM: Jesse appears, growling with Brent's head fully in his open mouth.

Brent is screaming.

Poesy, fire away

Poesy: "JESSE, PLEASE."

Dots: Shoving my arms into Jesse's mouth.

Poesy unloads six shots into Brent’s chest

DM: Jesse drops him as Dots intervenes.

Brent is dead.

Poesy: Running over to check on Jesse

Dots: Immediately dropping to search Brent's corpse.

Poesy: Making sure he didn't do any real damage to Brent himself? Hoping that having someone die in your mouth doesn't count...

Just unabashedly grabbing him by the furry face and looking over him to see if anything has changed.

Dots: "If his *relatives* are tracking him, we need to find out - and fast. And I want to know how he could jump planes so quickly."

Poesy: Not at all listening to anything, sobbing openly, "I told you! I told you not to hurt him!"

Dots: "...And if he's got any damn antidote..."

DM: Jesse whines.

Brent doesn't have an antidote, but he has a spellbook. One of the spells is Suggestion.

Jesse is breathing heavily again, but now he's also over the place, stressed.

Poesy: Tugging him to the side and nudging him to sit down. Shushing him, trying to be relaxing, but probably not effective, really.

Dots: "Poesy, you might want to check that gun of his - I'd be surprised if it wasn't enchanted. And I found a spellbook, but no arcane focus... so you might look his corpse over while you're at it, since I obviously missed *something*.

"Jesse will be okay for a minute. Look at this, Jesse." Pulling out my mechanical bird & winding it up.

Poesy: "I will." Poesy mops her face with a sleeve, gestures for Jesse to stay where he is.

Taking a deep breath and shaking it out. Having a look over Brent. Then inspecting the gun.

Dots: "You've looked better, Jesse - I have to say."

Poesy: Looking for anything magical or seeming like it has the potential. Whatever he used to bamf. Searching for whatever he used on Jesse, if anything. Whatever could have caused the chemical smell. What he used to drug Poesy.

DM: Brent has an enormous vial, probably a potion.  He also has a smoky black tattoo in one arm.  His rifle is obviously custom, probably enchanted.

He's also got a mask that looks strange and a round object that resembles a canteen.

Dots: "Okay, I missed more than one thing..."

Poesy: Stashing all the things in the portable hole in the safe.

Smelling the inside of the canteen?

DM: Same smell as the house.

Poesy: Chemicals? Is this shit ether?

DM: Basically

Poesy: Wincing and stashing it too.

DM: Jesse points to the forest, whining.

Poesy: Poesy leans close to Brent’s face, "I hope your dad watched."

Standing, moving back to Jesse, "Dots, there's a tattoo. You might want to get a look at it, in case you see it again."

What's happening in the forest?

DM: He seems like he wants to go. You feel his fear, anxiety.

Poesy: {"What's the matter?"} Taking one of his hands

DM: You see him attacking someone, feel fear, then him in the forest and you just feel loneliness.

Poesy: Is the someone a generic thought or does it feel like a memory? Just a fear?

DM: Generic. His fear.

Poesy: Trying to project a calming feeling to him, reassuring. {"You're going to be okay."}

Slipping out the anchor, "I've got this too? If that helps you feel better. There's nothing to fear, we'll be fine."

DM: He isn't making a break for it, but he's definitely anxious.

Poesy: Sitting down in front of him.

DM: He grabs your hands and points it at himself.

Poesy: "If we need it."

"Dots, can you get a message to Annise? See how things are proceeding in Sharvel, if she can't find out. Let them know where we are."

Dots: "Where are those damned monks, anyway?"

Poesy: "Slow, it seems."

Dots: "I was just thinking about exactly that."

Poesy: "Say it loud enough that Harlen's ears might itch." Smiling at Jesse, trying to ease the mood. 

Dots: "How far outside town are we now, Poesy? And in what direction? I'm disoriented from the shifting."

Poesy: “Not far. Two hours ‘til sunrise”

Poesy carefully repositions herself on the ground however necessary to not have hers or Jesse's back to Sharvel, should someone come up behind. So it's not surprising.

Dots: {"Annise, we're just north from Sharvel. We killed Brent, but Jesse is... changed... we need help."}

Poesy: She puts the anchor in her lap and tucks her nightgown around her legs, getting comfortable. Holding both his hands. Humming that silly song they sang together on their walk earlier in the day.

Has Jesse got any blood on him that doesn't appear to be his own? Or byproduct of Brent.

DM: He doesn't, but he's increasingly agitated. Hungry.

Poesy: Singing the song out loud, making up dumb lyrics about Sharvel

Annise: {"You're who Lilia is tracking, I'll tell her.  Sending help."}

DM: Jesse seems to calm, but the hunger is clearly growing.

Dots: Through the telepathy stones: {"Lilia's on her way."}

"Poesy!" Tossing some meat rations to her.

Poesy: Holding them out carefully to him, "Do you want these? Think they'll help?"

DM: He sniffs them and his stomach growls audibly, but he declines.

Poesy: "Do you want to stay in the portable hole? The others will be here soon."

"I left the mantle at home... I can't get you anywhere quickly, I'm sorry."

DM: As you say this, you get the sense suddenly that something big is near. Then one of the moons blinks. Something blocked it for an instant. The presence shifts and a silver robed man approaches.

Thaesilvancii: "Hello."

DM: Jesse instantly goes down a notch.

Dots: "Old friend!" Jumping up to greet him.

Sil: "I apologize for frightening you, it was the only way to arrive quickly."

Dots: "No apologies needed! We're desperately glad to see you!"

DM: Jesse starts scratching at himself, pleading for help.

Poesy: A mite confused, "It's *very* good to see you." She grabs his other hand again so he doesn't hurt himself in that panic... "Can you help, Sil?"

Sil: "Calm, friend," he gestures.

DM: Jesse calms instantly.

Sil: "I cannot cure him, but I can ease his stress."

Poesy: "Anything helps... Do you know... how? What we can do?"

DM: He reaches out, touches Jesse's snout, and the werewolf falls asleep.

Poesy: "Oh!" Trying to not let him drop hard, as much as she can manage to guide his massive body.

Dots: "That'll do.."

DM: He's snoring gently and if Poesy closes her eyes she can barely tell the difference from normal Jesse snores.

Poesy: "Well.... that's quite something..." She pauses for a moment... "What the fuck is this? What did he do to him!?"

"The bastard drugged me and did something and next I knew..." Poesy gestures to Jesse in his current state, "What was he aiming at?"

Sil: "I cannot tell you precisely what's happened to him, it's not an enchantment."

Dots: "Not.. an enchantment? Then.. what else could it possibly be?"

Sil: "Possibly something more natural, though quite foreign to me."

Poesy: She pulls her knees up to her chin and stays seated beside him.

"Are the others on their way?"

"Clint mentioned Children of the Moon..."

Sil: He nods, "Most are keeping their distance.  The Children may have answers, but his own family may have more."

Poesy: "They already know what's happened?"

Sil: "No, I thought it best to assess the situation."

Poesy: She nods, "How are we getting him home? Will this last, or will he wake soon?"

Dots: "You might not want to hear this, Poesy, but I think if we can't.. fix him right away, we should get him to the cells. Someplace we can hold him where he can't hurt himself or anyone else."

Poesy: "The sun will be rising soon enough... hopefully things will get easier... But you're right."

"And he'd insist, really... already wanted me to use the anchor, anyway..."

Sil: "I can take him to the North Tower, to secure him.  He would give his life to prevent harm to an innocent."

"I must leave you there though. My duty is to protect Sharvel."

Dots: "Can you take this corpse as well? We don't want to misplace it. It might help us find out what happened. "

DM: He looks at the corpse, then wiggles a finger and a large chest appears. The corpse rises, falls inside, and the chest closes and disappears.

Poesy: Still watching Jesse’s sleeping, wolfish form, "Taking him now?"

Sil: "I'll call ahead."

Poesy: Nodding, "He was shot earlier. He'll need some healing too."

Sil: "They're ready.  Healing, I believe they will have such resources," Sil starts moving you into position, "Are you ready?"

Poesy: Shrugging and nodding...

DM: He motions in the air and a shimmering point appears, then expands. It's a portal into the cells under the tower. But then the portal moves and you're in the tower basement, on the opposite side of a set of bars from Jesse. The portal closes and Sil is gone.

Dots, you remember stories of the werewolves who lived near your home, not far from Edgewood, but few hard details.They were said to hunt only at night though and return to being human during the day.

Poesy: Poesy lets out a long shaky breath before moving close to the bars. Jesse still asleep through that?

DM: He seems unfazed. You hear hurried steps coming down the stone stairs. The footsteps stop, there's a pause, and the door opens slowly. Shaen enters alone, unarmed, unarmored. He points toward Dri'lien's cell and two men silently open it and take him away.  He gawks a bit, but remains silent.

Shaen: Whispering, "What do you need?"

Poesy: "I don't know... Is Yenra here?"

Shaen: "She is, yes.  If you need anything, anyone, we'll get whatever . . . I'm so sorry, Poesy."

Poesy: She shakes her head, "I don't even know what to think yet. What we can do..."

Shaen: "Everyone is awake.  EVERYONE.  They're all working on this right now."

Poesy: "Good. Yenra... and we need to send for Shannon. John. Maybe they'll know more... But not while he's like this."

Shaen: "I think I hear her coming.  She'll patch up that wound."

DM: There's a soft tap on the door and Jesse stirs with a low growl. Shaen opens the door for Yenra. She silently goes to the bars and reaches through, placing a hand on him without hesitation.

Poesy: Crouching close, but out of arm's reach should that not be a good wakeup

DM: He twitches, then snores more. She whispers her spell and the wounds close completely. She gets an odd expression, then casts another spell.

Yenra: "Poison, both of you." She barely speaks, more mouthing the words almost silently.

Poesy: "I was assuming..." Stepping back and laying out the portable hole in the open space and retrieving all the things we took off him. Passing the flask to Yenra. And the weird mask.

Yenra: "It's an Edrian poison gas, that would have put you to sleep, kept you that way." She spots the vial and picks it up, smelling it, "A potion?"

Poesy: "No idea."

Dots: "And a poison made Jesse like this too? "

Yenra: "I'll see if one of the arcanists can identify it."

Poesy: "Thank you.” Pulling out a blanket from the portable hole too. Putting it over Jesse best that can be done through the bars.

Yenra: "If it were a curse . . maybe a restorative spell.  I'll see if we have the components." She brushes away a tear, "We'll bring him back, Poesy."

Poesy: Giving her a watery smile, "Thank you, Yenra."

DM: There are more footsteps and the door opens hastily.

Datan: "Gods . . it's true."

DM: Ceila is right behind him as Yenra leaves.

Poesy: Poesy's just giving up on trying to stem the crying. Between the visitors and exhaustion, it's just not worth the effort. Giving them room. If they're moving closer to the cell

DM: Neither do.  Ceila takes the vial from Yenra and begins examining it. Datan steps a little closer, but is using some magic.

Datan: "He's still with us, Poesy.  Still in there."

Poesy: "I know. He was quite present. Until it started getting more difficult. He thinks he has to leave, though, I'm sure of it."

Datan: "Robert is on his way, he said he has some experience.  Something about 'rangers'."

Poesy: "I suppose he would. He's still surprising me."

Dots: "What about rangers?"

Poesy: "Edgewood Rangers, presumably. Though I'm not sure what exactly they have to do in this case... But Robert's a Talon. He must have some information we're not privy to there."

Ceila: "This is a rage potion."

Poesy: Poesy sighs, "That might explain the door.... what does it do exactly?"

Ceila: "It makes everything a target, but . . " she steps aside as Robert arrives.

Robert: "Werewolves are immune to psychotropics.  Immune to disease." He rushes to Poesy and wraps her in a hug.

Poesy: Mostly just collapsing into it

Robert: "We didn't learn much, some basics.  Dirty tricks did this. Along with a very old bite."

Poesy: "How? What sort of tricks?"

Robert: "Anything to piss him off.  The rage induces the change, song with the full moons and possibly some magic.  It's... been done before."

Poesy: "Can anything stop it now?"

Robert: "He needs to control it.  He needs to face the dawn without killing anyone."

Dots: "... Every dawn?"

Robert: He shakes his head. "After tonight his fate will be decided."

Poesy: "I don't think he has, but he was alone before we could reach him... And the way Brent died... He didn't do it... I think... Finish it, at least..." she rambles on, quite quickly.

Robert: "Can't change any of that now.  Will he comply?  He has to see the sun come up and the sky is getting light."

Poesy: "He didn't try to hurt us. But it was getting harder. Mostly harder to just keep him from leaving. He was afraid of hurting anyone."

"He has to be awake?"

Robert: "There's no choice.  If he's down here he might never change back." Robert nods.

Poesy: “Let me know what to do. Make everyone move. Nobody outside."

DM: The snoring has stopped and you realize Jesse is watching Robert.

Dots: Glancing at Poesy for guidance..

Poesy: Looking at Jesse, "You heard all that, then?"

Robert: "I'll clear a path to the top.  Don't delay."

DM: Jesse grunts.  Robert leaves and starts barking orders in a tone Poesy has definitely never heard. Jesse scoots to the back of the cell.

Poesy: "Dots, can you follow along in the Shadowfell? Is it safe here for you to do that?"

Dots: "I can. Tell me when - I won't be able to stay long."

Poesy: "If something's wrong... come, but no sooner. I don't want you in harm's way, okay?"

Stepping up to the bars, "Love, you'll come with me?"

DM: He steps forward, but grabs the bars to hold the door shut.

Dots: "... Maybe you're too close to him? He's very emotional right now... Want me to try?"

Poesy: Poesy lets out a choked sob and nods to Dots before stepping back, "Not too close.” 

Taking off Jesse's gun belt and setting it down. Stripping off the coat too so it's just poesy's holster and anchor

Dots: "Breathe, Jesse. This is the most important thing you've ever had to do. You need to calm yourself and follow Poesy outside. Then you'll be yourself again."

DM: He doesn't move for a moment, then he shoves the cell door open, breaking the lock and partially bending a bar. He holds his hand toward Poesy.

Dots: Backing slowly toward Poesy.

Messaging Poesy: {"Okay, it's all up to you now."}

Poesy: Stepping in front of Dots and moving closer to him, palms up, {"You should head out. Stay close, but out of sight if you can..."}

Looking Jesse over, trying to get a read on him (which is already so easy when he's just human...)

"Are you ready? I'll be with you, right beside you."

DM: He is as easy to read as a pet dog.  He's afraid, timid, and compliant.

Poesy: Holding out her hands closer, “You're much stronger than you let yourself think you are."

"We can do this, and you'll be just fine."

Stepping back closer to the door and seeing if he's following

DM: He lets you lead.

Poesy: Carefully taking a hand again. Heading back to the top of the tower where we fought the wyverns

"I know you wanted to leave. But I'd really rather you wouldn't,” she smiles at him, coaxing along.

"And your mom, too. John, Jacob, and Sarah. They'll be waiting for you back home. Everything is so good..."

DM: Jesse pats Dots on the head as he passes. It feels like someone setting a sand bag in top of your head.

Dots: Beaming at him.

Poesy: Picking up speed a touch. Not anything rushed, but brisker

DM: Jesse follows without hesitation now. He matches easily.

Poesy: "Gods, you're tall usually, but this is just ridiculous."

DM: He scoops Poesy up and starts taking three steps at a time.

Poesy: Laughing a tearful laugh, "A little warning, darling."

How close until dawn?

DM: It's pretty light now, but in moments you're at the top.

Poesy: If he doesn't immediately head in the direction that the sun will first crest, pointing to it

DM: He's just looking around, but he focuses. Then the sun appears and he freezes.

Poesy: "Let me down, please."

DM: He lets Poesy down absently, transfixed on the rising sun.

Poesy: Standing beside him, not between him and the light, taking a hand

Thinking about the Golden Phoenix and everything it stands for....

Saying a little prayer for the first time ever...

DM: Suddenly he starts to fall over on Poesy, but as he does she suddenly finds herself holding the man, shirtless, fur-less.

Poesy: Letting out a rushed breath and trying to keep him upright. Looking him over... making sure nothing is amiss...

DM: He's exhausted, haggard, but human. He weakly grabs Poesy's cheek and pulls her into a kiss.

Poesy: Openly sobbing. Definitely not letting him move an inch.

Jesse: "I remember . . I remember." He starts sobbing.

Poesy: "Are you okay?" She does everything possible to soothe.

DM: He starts looking himself over.  He looks remarkably good, tough there's a hole in his pants.

Poesy: "He shot you..."

Jesse: "I remember..."

Poesy: "What do you remember?"

Dots: Dots slides a flask of water across the floor to them.

DM: He beckons for her to come closer.

Dots: Trotting over. "Hey, friend.."

Jesse: He takes the flask, "Thank you... I remember Brent waking me, punching me, forcing the potion." He gives Dots a hug.

Dots: "Do you remember not eating my arms? Because I really appreciated that!" Returning the hug.

Jesse: "I do, and thank you."

Poesy: "Do you remember the rest?"

He nods.

Dots: "What did he DO to you?" Dots blurts out.

Jesse: "They... we know after, if we remember after the change, that we're in control. I won't hurt anyone."

Dots: "But.. are you a werewolf now?"

Jesse: "He provoked me.  By the time I had changed he was gone."

Dots: "Does that mean.. were you always a werewolf, deep down?"

Jesse: He nods.

Dots: "Oh!"

Poesy: "But you'll have to change now?"

Jesse: "I will, but if I do it on my own... hunt on my own..."

Poesy: "But you didn't hurt anyone?"

Jesse: He shakes his head, "I was only after Brent."

Poesy: "He just wanted you to change and be set loose? He didn't try to use you for anything?"

Jesse: "I don't know.  I feel like he was leading me around, but I was in a fog."

Poesy: "I don't know what his endgame was... but he was definitely playing one..."

"No matter... will you be alright?"

Jesse: He nods.

DM: Poesy can tell that he wants it to be true, but he's afraid of how close he came to murdering both of you. He sniffs the air.

Jesse: "Mom's here."

Poesy: Taking his hands again and kissing his knuckles, "I wasn't afraid of you. Only that you might be too afraid to stay."

Not letting him go until he really seems to get it, "I trust you."

DM: He wraps his arms around Poesy. It's a good minute before Shannon arrives. He stands to greet her and as he hugs her she looks over his shoulder at Poesy, mouthing: "Thank you."

Poesy: Nodding to her. Sneaking away for a moment, then running down the stairs to grab the things that got left by the cells (Jesse's belt in particular)\And flagging down someone to get Jesse some clothes. 

DM: John is waiting just out of sight with your clothes and Jesse's in his arms.

Poesy: Helping him carry things.

"He's okay."

Dots: From upstairs, she messages Poesy: ("Is this just a thing that can happen to humans, and no one told me?"}

Poesy: {"Well fuck, I didn't know myself! What a mess..."}

Dots: {"But his family, at least? Does that mean that your-er, his children will be werewolves too?"}

Poesy: Poesy's downstairs with John, stock still, blushing furiously... There's no response...

John: "Are you okay, Poesy?"

Poesy: "Hm?" She nods, "Mm-hm... Tired... It's been a long night."

Only just really appraising herself, realizing that she's in quite a state. Bloody, bullet-hole-ridden, frilly-ass nightgown and such.

"I should probably see a healer... or sleep..."

John: "It's never easy, even when you're prepared.  The worst is over though."

Poesy: "You've seen this?"

John: He nods.  "Every werewolf in Edgewood goes through their Dawn.  Usually it's around puberty.  For those few bitten, their first full moons.  Jesse hid his bite for years, suppressed it with potions.  He's not the first."

"I didn't even know until he'd graduated high school."

Poesy: "This might've happened even without the meddling?"

John: "Every double moon has been a fight.  A struggle.  I don't know how or why he didn't want it, but he lost tonight.  Lost a battle he's been fighting for more than a decade."

"It could have been much worse though."

"Some lose control.  They wake up with no memory of the night.  Just blood.  Sometimes naked in the woods."

Poesy: "What would have happened? If he'd killed Brent..."

John: "I promised him a long time ago..." he takes his revolver from it's holster and dumps out six silver bullets, "... Thank you."

Poesy: She blanches.

John: He gives Poesy a stiff hug, "Go on, get dressed.  I'll get these to Jesse."

[hpwipfest-blog]

Masterpost HP WIP Fest, part 1

Hello dear fest participants and exited readers. I hereby give you the first masterpost of the HP WIP Fest, announcing all WIP’s that have entered so far. As it is a long list, I have put it under a cut, with the WIP’s that are already on ao3 first in case you want to start reading already. 

If you signed up for the fest but do not see your WIP in this list, this is probably because I do not yet have a title for your work. In that case, please email me the title so I can include you in the next masterpost.

I hope all the participants find lots of inspiration to finish in the upcoming weeks, and to our early readers, enjoy these wonderful WIP’s!

#1

Skin Deep by @loganaa-fic

Pairing: Drarry

When Harry accepts a job at Dean's tattoo parlor, he never expected that Draco Malfoy would show up, looking for a tattoo. But then again, since when did Malfoy do what was expected?

#2

The Boy Who Killed God by @sirius-black-killed-god

Pairing: Wolfstar

Sirius Black has a secret. Well, no, that's not true. Sirius Black has many secrets. His wand is dying, his parents more or less want to kill him, and there's the small matter of the cursed TOUJOURS PUR tattoo right above his heart, that he's had since he turned eight years old. Sirius Black is no stranger to secrets.

Then, Remus Lupin walks into his life.

Thus, begins a whole new history - one of darkness, of magic, of bravery, of family - as four boys set out to unwind the endings so many others have written for them.

This is the story of the Marauders at Hogwarts and afterwards, and all the love that lies between.

This is Year One.

#3

Apparently by justanotherloser

Pairing: Drarry

Father says apparently I feel too much.

Mother says apparently my mask needs to hide more of my emotions.

The Dark Lord says apparently I'm too weak.

Blaise says apparently I hate too often, and Pansy says I apparently need to let go.

I never get to make choices with them. Not with my family, not with my life, not with my house.

Apparently I can only choose who I hate, and I can't even get that right.

Apparently I love Harry Potter.

#4

Are You Here To Finish Me Off, Sweetheart? by @geekmom13

Pairing: Antonin Dolohov/Hermione Granger

Antonin gets held by the order for the secret he keeps and Hermione is put in charge of him. They end up relying on each other more than anyone had expected.

#5

Children of war by @the-purple-black

Pairing: Bellatrix Lestrange/Rodolphus Lestrange

A promise made by Bellatrix to the Dark Lord seemed unimportant at the time, though years later it seems her loyalty must be put to the test.

#6

Fixed Point by @frumpologist

Pairing: Dramione

Draco and Hermione are Time Unspeakables who travel through time to stop anachronists from using illegal time travel to change the course of history.

Their adventures lead them through the whole of history and the unwritten expanse of the future. Hermione learns about the History of Magic and Draco learns about science, Muggles, and falling in love.

However, there are fixed points in time, events so important that they cannot be altered. Hermione Granger’s tragic life as an Unspeakable is one of those points, and nothing Draco can do will change the path they’re forced to follow.

#7

Not In Love (Letters) by @drarryangels

Pairing: Drarry

It's eighth year at Hogwarts, and Harry is unsurprisingly beyond miserable. Ron isn't coming back for his last year of school, Hermione is suddenly best friends with Pansy Parkinson, and Draco Malfoy won't stop ignoring him. Even all the House unity is going too splendidly to be exciting. Truthfully, Harry wishes he had never come back at all. That is, until he starts receiving letters from an anonymous sender.

#8

Sequel to Palo Alto by @nachodiablo

Pairing: Wolfstar

Modern AU set in Northern California. It's been four years since Sirius and Remus got their shit together. James and Lily aren't doing too shabby, either. Things are going great. Sure, James still hasn't gotten any of his business ideas off the ground quite yet. And yeah, Lily's still not ready to move in with James, even though she spends every night at his place. And okay, Remus might be starting to freak a little about whether his PhD is going to land him in some no-name wasteland town for a job. And fine, Sirius has stalled out a bit since he left work to pursue his dreams of... well, to find a dream to pursue. Regardless. Things are great. Very chill. That is, until a family tragedy brings an adorable bundle of responsibility into their lives.

#9

The End Is Just The Beginning by @the-fifth-marauder

Pairing: Drarry

When Draco decided to join the Auror forces, he knew life would be made hell for him by just about everyone in the Ministry. Yet never did Draco think he would be condemned to a fate like this.

Or

The one where Draco gets the second chance he never knew he wanted. Before he realized that 'Happy Endings' just aren't for his destiny. Or were they?

#10

New Beginnings by @kaarina-riddle

Pairing: Dramione

Hermione comes home to find her husband in a compromising position on the kitchen table and wants to get away from everything, the perfect job opportunity as a professor of Charms at Hogwarts is offered and she takes it. Only to find that there's a surprise Draco Malfoy old school nemesis is the new DADA professor what will happen?

#11

A Girl Worth Fighting For by @saintdionysus

Pairing: Hermione Draco, Hermione/Theo

Due to the events of War, The Ministry of Magic has ordered students to repeat their final year, despite being legal wizarding age and completion of OWLs. Hermione Granger and Blaise Zabini form a friendship as head boy and head girl and find a way to use their authority to challenge the Ministry. Along the way, she finds herself caught between two unexpected love interests, while Blaise plays referee between his two friends.

#12

The Promise by @tofadeawayagain

Pairing: Drastoria, Dramione

When Astoria Malfoy learns she is dying, she asks Hermione Granger to take care of her husband Draco. It's not until the following New Year's Eve that he starts to let her. A tale about the seasons of grief, friendship and love, and moving on after a devastating loss.

#13

All the Stupid Things in Between: A Gryffindor and Slytherin Love Story by ForeverEvan

Pairing: Fred Weasley/OFC

Evangeline "Evan" Carter, the illegitimate daughter of Lucius Malfoy and Bellatrix Lestrange, is moved from Ilvermorny to Hogwarts at the beginning of the 4th Year. She is facing the task of hiding her true identity while falling for a boy from the wrong family. Evan must rely on her brother and her teacher to navigate the dangerous world of being the daughter of a Death Eater and a killer.

#14

Prowler by @goldie-writes-things

Pairing: Harry/Hermione

Harry and Hermione thought winning the war was the hard part. They had no idea how difficult surviving it would be. Newly engaged Lord Potter and Lady Black must navigate the murky waters of parenthood while rebuilding their lives. But when their world starts crashing down around them they are faced with a startling question: What wouldn’t you do for your child?

#15

Stressed Teen to Yes Queen by @drarryandharry

Pairing: Drarry

The fab five sort out post war Harry. That’s it. That’s the summary.

#16

Shockwave by maraudersaffair

Pairing: Drarry

When Harry fled Britain he had no idea murder and Draco fucking Malfoy would follow. Now in Las Vegas, he’s faced with a vampire mystery and a Malfoy who refuses to tell him the truth.

Veelas and vampires! Yay!

#17

Destiny Intertwined by @vinoamore

Pairing: Hermione/Dolohov

In response to a prompt by Anonymous in the DFFandCabalChristmasFest collection.

Prompt: A marriage law is passed just before the Christmas holidays. Hermione is matched with a former Death Eater, Antonin Dolohov...and Hermione is furious. "Why is this happening?!" she demanded. "He tried to kill me!"

#18

The Seven Year Witch by @thelastlynx

Pairing: Dramione

A boy and a girl have been meeting, coincidentally, for seven summers. While they pretty much hate each other most of the year, for those little moments in July or August they manage to see one another in a different light. But will that be quite enough to bring them together?

#19

Distant Stars by @of-stars-and-moon

Pairing: Wolfstar, Jily

(The story of Sirius Black, a Slytherin student as he finds friendship and love from someone he never expected)

'The memory was still so new and clear, feeling like it was yesterday but an eternity away at the same time.

In first year, Sirius would have never ever imagined that on his last day at Hogwarts, he would be lying on a roof, holding hands with Remus and listening to James and Peter.'

#20

A Home For Christmas by @motherbookerao3

Pairing: Drarry

High on a barely legal pain potion, Harry accidentally ends up adopting a child with Draco Malfoy.

#21

The Noble and Most Ancient Guide to Vice and Virtues by grimyoufuck

Pairing: Wolfstar

Toujours Pur; the words had been branded into Sirius' subconscious from a young age. It was a motto he'd never been able to live up to, even when he had tried. But now? Now, he was going to escape his mother's scathing words and his father's ambivalent silence to travel the continent with his best friend, and nothing was going to stop him. His mother was determined to keep the bloodline pure, and uphold the name of the Noble and Most Ancient House of Black, Sirius was determined to do the opposite.

When Sirius Black journeys to France to begin the first leg of his European tour with best friend James Potter, he'd expected a holiday of booze and boys. What he hadn't expected, much less wanted, was an educational trip, including nights out at the opera. But when a particular cast member catches Sirius' eye, he wonders if some good old fashioned fun could be obtained after all.

#22

Serendipity by @mrsren96

Pairing: Harry/Hermione

Like any girl, Hermione has dreamed of her future nuptials, at least once or twice. So far it's not going so well. There's a marriage law, and well, Harry Potter to deal with.

#23

Avignon by bittercape

Pairing: Gen

Voldemort is dead, and Wizarding Britain is controlled by the totalitarian Umbridge Ministry. The resistance, mainly centered around our heroes from the books (with some additions and some changes), is working against overpowering odds to overthrow the government. Think a reversed French revolution meets Cold War-era Berlin. With magic.

#24

A Bond Beyond The Vast Wave by @mangopassionfruity

Pairing: Sirius/Lucius, James/Lily, Lily/Severus

Sirius was a many things, rebellious, lazy, a prankster, troublemaker, lady's man, irresponsible, carefree. Or that is what he likes to appear as. And why break that image he's crafted for himself? Even if it'd make his life easier, especially with his hidden relationship with a certain Malfoy heir.

But things backfire and it leads to making decisions that change his way of life.

#25

Though My Mind Could Think (I Still Was a Mad Man) by Cassiara

Pairing: Drarry

After the war is over Harry thinks it's finally his turn to rest after years of pretending he's fine, and just waiting for the day he isn't needed anymore. He tries to kill himself, but of all people, Malfoy saves him. Harry realises that if he has the courage to die, he should also have the courage to live.

Ultimately this is a story about recovery, but it's also about all the things you sometimes have to go through to get there.

This is a rewrite of my fic "Favourite Scar".

#26

Explosions in the heart by @hp-rbiim

Pairing: Drarry

It's back to Hogwarts and Malfoy is annoying as ever.

Unpublished WIP’s

#27

Time is gone (thought i'd have something more to say) by Thestias

Pairing: Fremione

After the battle of hogwarts, the dead number in the hundreds; the loss of the brightest witch of their age hits hard, and for one wizard, his desperation to fix what had been broken sends him travelling back in time in a frantic attempt to save her. angst, fluff and angst, time travel, alternate universe - canon divergence, slow burn

#28

Encounters by @pottercrew

Pairing: Drarry

Harry is finding it difficult to keep his relationship with Draco apart from his relationships with Malfoy. What if he no longer wants to? Kink negotiation, anal sex, blow jobs, hard sex, bondage, voyeurism, sex club.

#29

The Side Of The Angels by @hiddenhibernian

“Focus,” Hermione told herself, forcing her breathing to slow down. “What's the worst that can happen?”

 Bad question. Her heart was hammering so hard it drowned out the buzz from the bar on the other side of the door to the cleaning cupboard she unceremoniously had been bundled into. The bar was the Hag's Head, and it was usually a friendly place for the Order of the Phoenix. They were still fighting, five years after the fall of Harry Potter, but Aberforth had turned against them... It didn't bear thinking about. 

Then the door opened.

#30

Not Gryffindor…? by Dracomalfoyy_youlittleshit

Harry gets sorted into Slytherin, finding an unlikely friendship in Draco Malfoy. Basically a retell of Harry Potter but with Harry in Slytherin.

#31

A Lotus In The Mud by @kaokumasparkle

Pairing: Drarry

Harry always had problems with common sense, everyone knows this. And now that he's sick with Hanahaki over a certain slytherin blonde, it looks like he may never get the chance to learn. Possible tags: mutual pining, angst with a happy ending, parseltongue Harry, Harry Potter/Draco Malfoy, Hermione Granger, Ron Weasley, Pansy Parkinson, Blaise Zabini, Hogwarts 8th year, Hermione just wants ONE year where Harry doesn't almost die, jealous Draco, protective Harry, Forbidden Forest adventures, minor mentions of blood

#32

It’s A Kind Of Magic by ive_beenfound

Pairing: Drarry

It's 8th year and the war has been hard on everyone. And having a future to think about and look forward to is terrifying Warnings/Tags: 10 year time jump, difficult conversations about lgbtq and war, harry being oblivious, draco being a shite, potentially triggering conversations about family.

#33

Flirting With Chaos by @alexandrao

Pairing: Dramionarry (Draco x Hermione x Harry) 

The Ministry of Magic passes a marriage law, forcing all those above the age of 17 to be married. Hermione, furious with the law, is paired not to one wizard, but two! Determined to change the law, she flirts with the line that could send her relationship into complete and total chaos.

#34

Friendship, Football, and Fireworks by @LegendaryWrighter

Pairing: Deamus

One lazy Sunday morning, Seamus finds Dean going through some old sketchbooks and joins him in reminiscing on several memories. 

#35

The Winder Of My Life by @nuclearnik

Pairing: Dramione

Hermione's special bond with her Snippets of Hermione's life as she grows up raised by a single mother. When Hermione is an adult, their bond grows to include Draco, who accepts him as long as he loves and cares for her daughter. As her mother's health declines, Hermione has hard truths to face and a supportive husband who is smitten by her mother. 

[tippitv]

TippiTV recap: SPN 15.01 “Back and to the Future”

First a quick note on the format of this recap: I'm dealing with some neck/back/shoulder pain so I'm not going to make a bunch of captioned screen shots and diagrams and other visual aids like I usually do. That stuff, while hugely fun to do, is time-consuming even under ideal conditions. I will instead attempt to provide you with mental images of graphics I would have made.

Now, let's get on with things.

Welcome to the 15th and final season of Supernatural, everyone! If the show were a person we could give it a Quinceañera.

[Graphic: The Impala in a beautiful taffeta gown and tiara and like... satin mudflaps instead of gloves.]

It's been 5140 days since the show premiered. That's 123,360 hours. Our solar system travels around the center of the galaxy at 490,000 miles per hour. This means we have moved through 6.04464e10 miles of space since this show premiered. I don't even know what that means. Once numbers start getting letters in them, I'm lost. But it's got to be nearly as many miles as are on the Impala's odometer.

[graphic of our solar system and the Chevy Impala zooming through space together, perhaps in friendly competition]

The road so far: Man, I do not remember a lot of this. Relevant to this episode is God throwing a hissy fit, killing Jack, and releasing all the souls and/or demons from Hell.

Currently: Jack's eyeless corpse is lying around as corpses are wont to do. The surviving members of Team Free Will are fighting a lot of freshly risen dead bodies that were possessed by the released souls. If it were me just out of Hell, I wouldn't waste time in a rotted corpse. I'd just fuck off as quickly as possible and possess someone who's eating a deep-dish cheese pizza.

The risen dead are polite enough to mostly attack the Winchesters one or two at a time, so they get to grab Jack's corpse and run into a mausoleum for shelter. Okay I understand why the souls can't get through the iron doors but what's stopping the disembodied ones from just going through a window? Or through a stone wall, for that matter?

Sam asks Castiel if he can bring Jack back but he sounds like he already knows the answer. A mid-level angel without all his original powers isn't gonna be able to undo what God's done unless the plot requires it.

[Graphic of Sam's incredibly sad face as he says or thinks "maybe the plot will require it later?"]

Everyone tries to figure out what they're going to do next. Dean snarkily wonders if they're going to starve to death. I mean, no, because the ambulatory corpses will break in before long. Failing that, they'd die of thirst unless Castiel has like a TARDIS bladder that holds Dasani, and then they could eat Jack. Mmm nephilim jerky....

Proving my point for me, a resident of the mausoleum or perhaps a neighbor tries to bust through some of the loose stones just as Sam starts chipping away at them in search of an escape route. Castiel smashes its head with a big rock, causing the ghost to flee? I guess? Whatever it is looks like a glowy skeleton and ghosts usually look like their living selves for the most part.

"What the hell are we gonna do now?" Sam asks.

Ol' Eyeless Jack pops up and says in a friendly tone of voice, "Hello!" Nobody's super shocked by this turn of events.

[Graphic of Jo and Ellen saying "nobody stays dead on this show except us"]

It's just Jack's bod with a demon in it, though. Was he the one that looked like a glowy skeleton? Whatever. He happens upon some budget sunglasses on the floor nearby. No seriously they're sunglasses to save the budget because it wouldn't be cheap or timely to have to CGI empty eyes for the whole episode.

He introduces himself. "My name is Belvegar." The fuck? That sounds like a horrible portmanteau for shipping Mr. Belvedere with Garfield the cat.

[Graphic of Buckleming: "We'd write that!"]

I suppose I should check IMDB to see how that's spelled...

BELPHEGOR???

Oh okay apparently Belph is a prince of hell and "Lord of the Gap," which is like half a step up from being Lord of Old Navy. I'm looking this up on regular Wikipedia not Supernatural Wiki so the show didn't just make him up. It says here he seduces people by suggesting inventions that will make them wealthy. One time I came up with an idea for pills that would turn people's urine into toilet cleaner. I was going to call it Vita-Wiz. And that's why I've never been able to seduce anyone with my inventions.

Anyway Castiel shoves Belph up against a wall, as is customary on this show, and demands he leave Jack's bod. But Belph says he has some mojo that will get rid of all the hellish souls and demons currently trying to get into the mausoleum. Much like how Vita-Wiz gets rid of hard water stains and leaves your toilet with a minty fresh scent!

[Graphic: a colorfully jaunty ad for Vita-Wiz with Sam's endorsement a la the "Changing Channels" Herpexia ad. "I've got powerfully clean urine."]

Belph knows all about the Winchesters but is slightly surprised this latest fuckery is God's fault. He makes himself out to be a low-level demon so either he's lying or the show's not going with the prince of hell backstory. Judging by his delivery and mannerisms he thinks he's auditioning to be in Goodfellas: The High School Years.

[Graphic: High School Musical promo poster but make it mobster]

He goes on to say that, like the Winchesters, he wants all the souls back in Hell where they belong and he can get back to torturing them. "I like my job!" Unrelatable. He can't fix the main shitsplosion that's going on but says he can get them all out of the cemetery safely.

Using some "graveyard dirt" from the floor and angel blood from Convenienstiel, he works a little spell that turns all the risen dead back into just... dead. Unoccupied corpses litter the ground by the dozens. Man, what a mess. You know who isn't gonna like their job in the morning? The groundskeeper.

Also, that sure is a useful spell. I wonder if it will ever come up again...

"Where are all the ghosts?" Dean wonders.

Cut to two teenage girls somewhere else acting like teenage girls Dabb has seen in Troom Troom videos. One of the girls sees herself as a ghost in the mirror and claws her face clean off. Man, that ghost's wig is terrible. Is she Bloody Mary? I don't remember her wig being this bad. I can't believe they couldn't afford a better one even with the Budget Sunglasses.

Back to Three Men and a Belphy. Riding home in the Impala, Sam checks the news. So far, no mention of any kind of worldwide Ghostpocalypse. It seems like you're mostly safe in this universe as long as you don't live in middle America. Belph suggests they may be able to contain the ghosts before things get too out of hand and he just happens to know the right magic.

"Imagine a salt circle a mile wide," he says. Castiel points out that Harlan, Kansas is less than a mile from the cemetery so Dean hatches a plan to get everyone out so as to not trap them inside with the ghosts and demons. Is it gonna be a lame plan that would never work in reality?

But first they stop for a wrecked car on the side of the road. There's blood on the inside of the windshield but no body. "This look familiar to you?" Dean asks Sam. It looks like a lot of wrecks where someone got wanged on the head and wandered off in a daze, but they figure it's the Woman in White. "If she's back then they're all back," Dean goes on. "Every last one that we ever killed."

Okay shout out to everyone who answered my post where I asked if ghosts used to be obliterated rather than going to Hell. The consensus seems to be that the Winchesters didn't really know one way or the other early on and were guessing.

Cut to a woman running through a house with her young daughter in her arms. The aftermath of a destroyed birthday party can be seen. How late in the day were they throwing this kid's party?? To make a long story short, the ghost of John Wayne Gacy is chasing them. I'll just reiterate my hatred of this character, not because Gacy is a serial killer obv, but because it lacks internal logic! Why is he dressed like a clown?? He wasn't executed in his old clown outfit!

Suddenly it's daytime. It's like Bugs all over again. Sam, in a jacket with an FBI decal on it approaches what must be the dumbassiest dumbass sheriff in three states. He convinces the sheriff to evacuate the whole town because of a benzene leak and the sheriff just... takes his word for it. Like, he's never heard of a benzene pipeline in his hometown but doop de doop this handsome giraffe in a cheap jacket said to evacuate so it must be true!

Also why isn't the sheriff down at the cemetery?? Someone would've called that in by now! You know what I don't really care.

Meanwhile, Dean is in the car and tells Castiel to take Belph to go get supplies for the spell. Cas says he can't do it, he can't even bear to look at him. And Dean! Rolls! His! Eyes! Like, Jack's the closest thing Cas will probably ever have to a child. He was with Kelly through her pregnancy. It's only been like eight hours since the kid died horrifically. Don't roll your dang eyes!

Cas leaves and Dean puts the Equalizer gun in the glove compartment along with a copy of The Complete Works of Anton Chekhov.

Belph notices that everyone walking down the street is good-looking. Yeah, that's casting agencies for ya. He says back in his ancient penis-worshiping days, people were uglier. Belph appears to be an equal-opportunity ogler. He turns to Dean. "I mean look at you. You're gorgeous!"

[Graphic: Belphegor replacing his penis-shaped rock altar with that Skittles poster of Jensen Ackles.]

"So who was he anyway?" Belph asks, referring to his meatsuit. "He was our kid, kinda," Dean says. The show manages to resist making a Gay Dads joke that I feel like it would've given into in an earlier season. So, yay progress I guess?

Sam and Castiel split up to check every house for ghosts. That seems super time-consuming. How many Reapers are left besides Billie? I feel like they should get one on the horn unless they're all dead. Anyway, Cas's house is where the Troom Troom girls were killed. The ghost's wig looks even worse in daylight. Do they get their wigs from the Hobby Lobby doll crafting aisle or something?

Sam's house, meanwhile, is where John Wayne Ghosty went on a sartorially illogical rampage. Somehow the mother and daughter are still alive. Dumbass ghosts can't see behind a shelving unit, I guess. The instant Sam gets them safely down, Ass-Clown immediately slices him across the belly. Castiel shows up to blast the ghost with rock salt.

Meanwhile, Belph is fanboying over Dean's torturing skills. Gasp! The show remembered Dean was in Hell. It'd be nice if they were consistent about it but whatever. Belph casually mentions that all the doors in Hell opened and Dean realizes this means the cage, too.

[Graphic: That dancing gif of the actor who played Adam that says "Still in Hell" but now it says "Maybe not in Hell."]

Castiel heals Sam's wound and the fabric of his jacket! The mother and daughter are still standing there seeing all this. Cas is like, "Whatevs, I'm an angel of the Lord & Taylor." The mom is pretty flabbergasted, and even more so when Sam mentions the wound he sustained after shooting God. Castiel can't heal that one, though, because it's probably gonna be a recurring plot point judging by the flash of Evil Sam we see.

The sheriff is making a final sweep through town when he happens upon the Woman in White. The sun looks to be setting, which means it's probably been 16 hours since all the souls and demons escaped, but they're still basically within a mile of the cemetery? Even I, burdened with an easily exhausted flesh body with shitty joints could have gotten farther than that.

Anyway, Belph needs a fresh human heart for his spell so it's pretty handy of the sheriff to die! That way none of the mains need to do the morally objectionable thing of murdering someone.

Dean senses a sudden drop in temperature. "Winnie the Pooh, right now!"

WHAT THE FUUUUCK??

Hold on. I'm watching this at 1.2x speed. Let me rewatch it at 1x.

Okay he says "we need to move, right now."  My apologies to Mr. Pooh for thinking you could ever be a part of this.

[Graphic: Winnie the Pooh chipper as anything. "I CRAVE THE BLEAK ABIDING COMFORT OF DEATH AND HUNNY."]

At the same time, Sam and Castiel are walking the two survivors through town. The little girl pauses at a badly placed fish pond because she sees a woman in it. Is it Bloody Mary? What's she doing in a pond? Seriously though putting a pond right on the street corner is just asking for trouble even without spectral shenannigans. How many people have driven over the curb and right into that thing?

Okay I gotta stop getting hung up on landscaping issues. Even if they are HIGHLY IRRESPONSIBLE AND NONSENSICAL.

Dean is attacked by the Woman in White. Ass Clown goes after Sam and the others, and is soon joined by... a tall ghost and... Lizzie Borden? Sam accidentally shoots Cas full of rock salt when Lizzie vanishes, which is pretty funny although move ya pretty self out of the way, Cas. When she pops up behind him, she tries to choke him with the ax handle. It reminds me of that lesser known poem about Miss Borden.

Lizzie Borden had an ax Gave her mother 40 whacks Tried to choke the angel Cas 'Cause axing would've been too fast

In the ensuing fisticuffs, everyone has time to throw punches while Belph performs the spell. All he does is put the heart on a little pile of salt and chant some Latin. Is like the thing Ruby 1.0 did with that poor virgin girl's heart a million years ago?

Oh sweet Jeebus the sight of these ghosts chasing everyone on foot is... bad and funny. Y'all are ghosts! You can just blip in and out of wherever you want to go! One of the only upsides to being dead has got to be not having to do cardio anymore and here you are running the hundred yard dash like it's 6th grade PE class. They come screeching to a halt where the spell has created an invisible boundary. This might be worse than Hell.

[Graphic: Parisian street mimes trying to escape an invisible box]

But wait... Why wasn't Belphegor affected by this spell? Did he write in an exception clause? Or is it only for ghosts and not demons?

The Good Guys plus Belph bring the mom and daughter to the high school down the road where all the evacuees are sheltering. With no sheriff to coordinate things, isn't it all just gonna... fall to pieces now? How are they gonna convince everyone to stay away from their homes? What if someone needs their prescriptions? ("Oh no my Herpexia!") They can't get rid of the ghosts as long as Hell isn't in business anymore, right? This is a mess. Dean seems to know it.

Dang why are Castiel and Dean on such icy terms? Why do I not remember last season?

Now that they have a five second breather before the shit hits the fan, Dean wants to see Sam's godly bullet wound. It looks a little crusty but not too bad except... "There's no exit wound," Dean notes. He gives it a swipe with some alcohol which will surely kill whatever supernatural E. coli is in there.

"So when Chuck said this was the end I guess this is what he meant," Sam says. Yes being trapped in a high school with my neighbors seems like end times to me, too. Tonally, things seemed a lot more dire in All Hell Breaks Loose 2.

Dean's feeling a bit embittered about discovering they didn't have as much free will as they'd thought, that everything was part of Chuck's personal lab experiment. "What did it all mean?" he wonders. "It meant a lot," Sam says. "We still saved people."

But what even are people, man? I'm going to have an existential crisis and I can't drink as much as Dean because I have that "Asian flush" gene thing. One drink and I turn super red and hot and queasy and then I pass out.

Sam thinks God has fucked off to who knows where because he hasn't seen the promos for episode 2 yet. "He gets bored and starts another story." Ah yes like me and my WiPs. Relatable. Overall, Sam is feeling much more optimistic. "Once we win this, God is gone... and it's just us. We're free."

Dean catches his optimism cooties. "I like those odds," he says of fighting billions of evil souls. You know what that means? We got work to do. Quick intercut of Baby Winchesters with Middle-Aged Winchesters saying the same thing and closing the trunk of the Impala.

[Graphic: Impala with the solar system again. This time the Impala is pulling ahead. "ONE MORE TIME AROUND, SONS O' BITCHES"]

So there we are at the first episode of the final season. Reblog or reply with what you thought of the episode and thanks for reading!

One final note:

You can read more about my writing and general life situation and GoFundMe here: https://tippitv.tumblr.com/post/188224749207/supernatural-final-season-recaps-and-assorted

If you enjoyed the recap and are able, please visit my virtual tip jar: paypal.me/TippiBlevins or https://ko-fi.com/A4017DA

Henry Hound and I could use the financial help!

See you next week.

[hellyeahomeland]

An HYH Exclusive Interview with Dominic Mainl

[Over the last six seasons, Dominic Mainl has worked in the camera department on Homeland, working to get the shots you see in each episode onto your screens. For our “On the Record with…” series, Dom graciously answered our questions about what the Homeland experience has been like, including how he got started, what it’s like to work with cast and crew, and his most vivid memories. Thank you Dom for answering our questions! –the HYH team]

Hell Yeah Homeland: Your first Homeland episode was “Tin Man Is Down” in season three. How did the German guy become a part of the production?

Dom Mainl: Haha, pure luck? In 1998 I moved from tiny Bad Dürrheim, Germany, to Los Angeles because I wanted to work in Hollywood. I was already in the film industry in Germany and wanted to work with the best of the best and that meant moving to Los Angeles. It took a few years and a lot of hard work to “break into Hollywood” and yet another few years and even harder work to become established, but in the end it all worked out. I worked on the HBO show True Blood and met David Klein, ASC there. I really enjoy working with him and over the years we have become a good team, business partners and most importantly, very good friends. One day my phone rings and Dave said, “Hey man, I’m taking over as the Director of Photography on Homeland. Are you interested? I would love to have you on the crew” …. and I had no idea what Homeland even was! I had never heard of it! I said yes anyway because I love working with Dave and looked up the show online. So on my way out to Charlotte (where we shot season three) I started watching the first season and really, really liked it. So I was hyped about being part of the project after becoming part of the project. 

HYH: What do you remember from your first day at set? 

DM: Every project, whether it’s film, tv or commercials, I have butterflies in my stomach the night before day one. David Klein says, “if you’re not nervous before day one you are phoning it in,” and he’s right. We love what we do and there are so many things that can go wrong, so even after 20+ years I still get nervous. The first day on Homeland was really easy though because all the actors are sooo unbelievably nice. As a focus puller I am quite immersed in all technical things to make sure nothing goes wrong (especially on day one!), so Homeland was no different from other shows in that respect.

HYH: We know you can’t talk about season eight yet, but looking back at previous seasons, what scenes still stick with you? Why?

DM: This is going to explain a lot about why I love working with Dave Klein: there’s a shot in season three when Brody is brought back to the US and it's the first time Carrie and Brody meet since he was shipped off to Caracas. He’s laying on the bed and the camera is right in his face. Carrie steps into the background and has an emotional monologue directed at the sleeping Brody. Remember that? 

So, my job as a focus puller is to adjust focus during the shot. And I felt strongly about keeping Damian sharp in the foreground although the #1 star of the show just entered our shot and she was the only person talking! General rule of thumb for focus pullers: make sure the person talking is sharp. If a lot of people talk, make sure the star of the show is sharp... So here I was, new to the show, and breaking all the rules at once. But, to me, it felt so damn powerful to stay on Brody’s face to see his reaction as he slowly wakes to Carrie’s words, until he opens his eyes and (eventually) turns around. So I discussed this with Dave and he brought this idea up with director Lesli Linka Glatter and the producer/creator Alex Gansa and we ended up shooting two versions of this scene, one with the focus shifting to Carrie as she enters the frame and one that stayed with Brody. To Dave's credit he fought for my idea and in the end they used my version. That shows you how amazing it is to work with Dave Klein--you’re truly a part of the team.

HYH: Thinking of some iconic Homeland scenes (pretty much all the scenes which left us heartbroken)--like Brody‘s death scene, Quinn driving into a lethal hail of bullets--how much time did you have to prepare these scenes? How do you in the camera and photography department plan for these scenes? How many times do you shoot them before you got the material we see in the final and aired cut?

DM: Brody’s death was rather emotional for the crew as well because that was the very last shooting day of the season. We were shooting all night in Morocco and we had to bid Damian adieu after we wrapped. It was almost the same with Quinn, although we had a few days of shooting left after we killed off Rupert’s character… But Rupert served the crew champagne after the day ended, still bloodied from the scene, which was very sweet…. plus the bubbly was rather good so I didn’t mind killing him off, haha. As far as preparation for these scenes go, it's the same as for any other shot--for me, anyways. I prepare the gear the same way I would for any other scene as reliability is key. The most important part is that the equipment is functioning flawlessly because, in the end, if the camera doesn’t record what’s in front of it… why are we there?

HYH: Homeland’s main cinematographer is David Klein, and you two have worked together on many episodes over the years. Can you describe the working relationship between the two of you? 

DM: I was asked the same questions a few years ago and I have the same answer: it’s a privilege to work with David Klein because you get to work with him and not just for him. There is a fundamental difference. Of course, he’s the boss and all departmental decisions are his to make but he actively involves the camera operators and the focus pullers in the process and that’s what makes it so much fun! Sure, it really does take a while to establish such a good rapport and a working relationship like ours, because it is 100% built on trust. The example I mentioned [earlier] shows that we have each other’s back and that’s when you can get really creative…

HYH: Speaking of the art of cinematography and photography, how would you describe Homeland’s visual/photographic DNA?

DM: That’s a question for David Klein, haha. Of course I have my 2 cents but that’s not for me to answer…

HYH: What's your secret about taking the perfect shot?

DM: Generally speaking, preparation. Hard work beats talent unless talent works hard. The perfect shot is when all the elements come together in synchronized harmony. Think of it as choreography - the actors, the frame, focus and camera platform (hand-held, dolly or Steadicam, etc.)… everything that moves, everything needs to be perfectly in sync to achieve what the director or the DP had in mind and there is a lot that can go wrong. But when it all goes right, it seems effortless. What’s my secret? Easy: Don’t fuck it up. Don’t be the one element that blows the shot.

HYH: You’ve traveled with the Homeland production all over the world -- to South Africa, Germany, Morocco, and several locations in the US. Which trip did you enjoy the most and which one was the hardest work? Why?

DM: I really enjoyed Morocco. And I really disliked Morocco. For clarification, I met my wife in Morocco while shooting the finale for season three there and I will always have fond memories of that time. And I disliked season eight in Morocco, because even though my wife had become a member of the crew by then (she is the script supervisor for season eight), shooting there the second time around was unnecessarily complicated and frustrating for reasons I will not go into detail at this point…. but it really wasn’t much fun.

We loved South Africa a lot, too. That was probably one of my favorite seasons. Not necessarily the scripts but the location.

HYH: Compared to other jobs you did before, what’s different about working on Homeland?

DM: After 7 years (well, on and off) of True Blood I was happy I didn’t have to work with vampires and at night anymore. The spy game turned out to be fun and intriguing but you pay the price for getting to see the world. The biggest challenge was the constant shifts in location. One, because we ship a lot of camera gear around the world which adds a ton of work and stress (carnets, inventory, maintenance, etc.). Two, it’s really hard to find and keep a good crew around and given we were on the road for six years we had to start over almost everywhere we went and train the team to the workflow that Dave and I have had established. I admit, I am quite demanding and finding a crew that could do the job to my expectations in all those locations was not easy. But we ended up making some life-long friends… and probably a handful of enemies too, haha.

HYH: From what we were able to follow on social media, we got the impression that filming season eight has been a long and tough journey, much harder than previous seasons. Is there anything you can share about the reasons why?

DM: Well, if you go into Africa expecting you can shoot an American TV schedule with an international crew within the same time frame and on the same budget... you have to be crazy! But there isn't just one party to blame for the exhausting Moroccan portion of season eight but rather a combination of unfortunate misunderstandings paired with inexperience and a healthy dose of negligence. As they say, “everything that could go wrong, did.”

HYH: Was there ever a scene for which you had just one take to get it right? Which one?

DM: Let’s just say there is going to be an explosion in season eight and we only had one try at it. And we nailed it.

HYH: For the tech nerds among us, what's your favorite camera and objective and which scene you shot with it comes to your mind?

DM: Hands down, the ARRI Alexa Mini. Homeland is a predominantly handheld show in order to keep the tensions high while (subconsciously) keeping the audience always on the edge of [their] seat. If the cameras are handheld the image constantly moves. You can even see/feel the breathing of the camera operators. The Alexa Mini is lightweight yet robust and the sensor is the best money can buy. We used ARRI Master Primes for added sharpness for seasons five, six, seven, and eight, but sprinkled in a few Zeiss Supreme Primes this year to take off a little bit of weight. We also like to use Canon Cinema Zooms for their high quality.

HYH: Butter bei die Fische (Now’s the time for straight talk), why is Homeland still filmed in HD?

DM: Because Showtime wants it that way. I would’ve loved to shoot 4K or with a different aspect ratio or utilize a different sensor size but the people at the helm want to keep it “the way it was.”

HYH: Homeland’s eighth and final season is wrapping up and now airing. How does it feel that the show is coming to an end soon?

DM: It’s bittersweet. I have had some of the best and some of the worst moments of my career on the set of Homeland and I know I will miss it down the road but right now I’m happy that Carrie finally gets to…. Never mind, can’t tell you that, haha. I know I’ll miss it but we’re just exhausted right now.

HYH: What other projects are you working on after Homeland? Any plans yet?

DM: Vacation. No more jobs in 2019 and hopefully a good movie with a good script in 2020. I think after six years of spy TV I want to take a break from the small screen, if possible.

[flutterbyhime]

So, like everyone, I’ve got some thoughts on Voltron Season 7. Spoilers inbound so... skip this if you still haven’t watched it. Which you should, because despite at least half the fandom acting like it’s the end of the world, season seven is actually pretty goddamn engaging. Like “oh, I’m just gonna watch the first three or so episodes and call it a night. I’ll watch the rest tomorrow.” followed by “It’s nearly three in the morning and I have finished Voltron season seven.” engaging

Okay. So I just want to give everyone a quick warning apart from spoilers, that I am not super used to writing reactions/reviews. Usually I just mule it over in my head, talk it out with some friends, and then that’s about it. BUT~~ since I’m the only one in group of friends that loves Voltron and I would like them to watch it at some point without certain story beats spoiled, I figured I would write out my thoughts this time. You know, try and put my thoughts, praises, and criticisms in a concise and constructive piece. And while I realize that some of the things I’m going to say are probably gonna invite some interesting...responses on my post or inbox, my first few browses of the Voltron tag haven’t actually shown constructive/concise criticisms outside of how the writers handled Shiro’s relationship with Adam (something that I’ll go into detail later. The actual relationship and what I think the text is, feeding on my first Voltron season 7 post, that is. The whole backlash to the writing I do in the next paragraph).

Which, speaking of how the writers handled Shiro and Adam’s relationship! First things first, I just want to say that I can see and understand why a lot of people are upset. Voltron has grown to mean a lot of things to the fandom, and with the news that Shiro is a gay man serving in the military with a long term relationship that was leading to marriage before Kerberous Mission was really exciting. It was fantastic to get a beloved character to be confirmed to be apart of the LGBT+ community. It still is in my book. The fact that Shiro has been through a lot of shit and still has hope and love to give to his newly found family already made him an amazing character. And with his confirmed sexuality, it’s like extra decorative and delicious strawberries on an already amazing proverbial cake. It brings that much more depth and interest in a character that could have very easily been a one note character. And for me, the confirmation announcement and the announcement that we would see parts of Shiro’s life pre-Kerberous was exciting. Of the core cast, the person we know the least about in terms of home life was Shiro. With everyone else, we either knew or learned some aspect of how their lives were before this grand space adventure happened. But we never really knew with Shiro beyond he took in Keith at some point and that he was a prisoner of a ten thousand year old war for about a year. So the glimpse of how he met Keith, came to took him in, and how his relationships were before leaving for Kerberous was a welcome story addition (also greatly needed from a character stand point in my opinion. Shiro was starting to get a touch...mythical). So with what we saw of Shiro and Adam was a fight about Shiro wanting to do the Kerberous Mission, followed later by Adam passing in a first wave offensive and later with Shiro realizing that Adam died, yeah... I see why a lot of people are upset. And if you are upset, I completely understand. You have every right to be upset. But here’s the thing.  Sending hate or being nasty to the writers and the cast isn’t going to help. What will help is giving actual feedback to Dreamworks and the writers. Whatever passion you feel for the show will come through, but an off the hip reaction doesn’t give someone a lot to go off of. Being calm and concise does though. Again, you can be disappointed and upset, but you can voice it in a way that doesn’t come off as an attack (which is what a lot of initial criticism read to me).  Joaquim Dos Santos, an executive producer of Voltron, wrote a wonderful open letter to the fandom addressing all this that you should read. A lot of it puts a number of things into clearer light.(https://twitter.com/JDS_247/status/1029181981572050945)  And I don’t want to get tin-foil-hat on you guys, but something tells me that the writers and producers had to fight to get ANY LGTB+ representation in, let alone confirm it. Which is sad, but Voltron is still a kids show. And I wouldn’t be surprised that some stuffy, out of touch white guys in suits said that you can’t do the gay thing because children can’t be corrupted or some similar bullshit. So be mad, be upset, be loud. But be loud at Dreamswork.  Honestly I wouldn’t be surprised if the writers and producers were showing all this backlash to the suits and going “YOU HAVE TO LET US GIVE THEM THE GAY FOR SEASON EIGHT. LOOK AT HOW MUCH THE AUDIENCE IS DEMANDING IT! THESE ARE THE PEOPLE BUYING THE MERCHANDISE FOR FUCKS SAKE!!!” Because I sure as fuck would.

And with that out of the way, let’s move on to some positive things!

This season was actually well-written. Were there mis-steps? Yes, but again (and getting a litte tin-foil-hatty here), I feel like certain elements were probably more studio driven than writer driven (looking at you Axca and your weird stares at Keith!). But overall this season was excellently written. The stakes were kept high, there was tension throughout, and the comic-relief episode was a wonderful play on fan headcannons (making Keith a terrible artists is something I’m still laughing about). And yeah, the last few episodes can be a little too similar thanks to all the action scenes, but at least the stakes were upped at each turn. And also, what better way to introduce the new big-bad than right after defeating Sendak?! It subverts the exception of a huge celebration with showing our heros that they may not have the chomps to fight against this new threat (which, let’s be real, it’s most likely Lotor and/or Haggar. If it’s not either of them, I will be thoroughly surprised).

One of my favorite things from season seven though is that is explores what happens after a major political leader of an empire is killed. It would have been so easy just to have another galra take the reigns of the Zarkon’s empire, but the writers went with the harder option of a bloody fallout. They showed a world/universe where people have formed their own factions and fighting for power, along with the mess that that creates. You honestly don’t see that a lot in fiction, let alone fiction aimed for younger audiences. 

And let’s talk about episode five for a hot minute. It’s been a long time since I was legit terrified from a children’s show. Like since Avatar: The Last Air Bender (that blood bending episode still gives me chills). The set-up and pacing is so perfect. Starting light before slowly turning tragic, which only leads to the sheer-terror of not only the situation, but of how brutal and cruel the universe has gotten in Voltron’s absence. With so little, it makes the viewer question of what’s happened to other allies of Voltron. And considering it follows the game show episode, it’s the hard left turn I personally wasn’t expecting. But I’m not going to lie, it’s probably my favorite episode of the season. Also, I legit started tearing up when Keith called Krolia “Mom” and they hugged. While I wish there was more mother-son moments in general when in comes to Keith and Krolia, I think that moment alone showed how much Keith has grown. He may still have some abandonment issues, but it’s clear that the trust he has in his family is helping him overcome that. That he trusts Krolia to come back and that he trusts his team/new family to be there for him. And I’m hoping we get that explored some more in season eight. (#MoreActualSpaceMomPlease)

There’s also the fact that they made the four years of Sam Holt’s time back on Earth engaging to watch. While I think we all knew that they were going to explain what Sam, the Garrison, and Earth in general was doing before Voltron arrived, I was worried how they would handle this. This is exposition that’s very easy to make clunky and a slog to get through. I was worried even when the first shot was “Four Years Earlier...”. Even with two episodes dedicated to some very important exposition, this is stuff that I think any writer can tell you is tricky to pull off. Yes, Sam is Pidge and Matt’s father, and we get the bonus of Lance’s sister Veronica (#BestBigSister #MoreVeronicaAndLanceSeasonEight), people who we’re emotionally invested in because members of the core cast are, but this is still focus away from characters we’ve gotten to know and love for six seasons.  These two episodes had to not only re-familiarize us with character we met briefly in season five, but had to reintroduce us to characters we’ve really only seen in episode one with brief cameos in various flashbacks, introduce us to both new characters and the command structure of the Garrison. And that’s a lot to do in less than a total of forty minutes. So the fact that it’s engaging and does not only that, but also clearly gives and raises the stakes for the rest of the season without ham-fisting it is impressive. We knew that Voltron was going to have to save Earth thanks to the trailer, but we didn’t know how dire the situation was going to be when we returned to Earth. Even though these were the episodes that Adam died, I still found myself emotionally invested.  If anything, its inspired me to write AU fanfiction where I take all the ‘humans are space orcs and Earth is a death planet’ ideas and put them in there, having Sendak and the Galra lowkey realize that the Lions of Voltron probably chose the most-level-headed humans to the be the paladins because fuck man, earthlings be terrifying and maybe we should leave??? (I’m serious about this bit. I’ve been going through all my saved screen-shot pins of them on pinterest and making note of which ones I want to use)

I like how we get to see more of the relationships between all of Team Voltron and the core casts’s family. I like that we got to see more of Hunk’s story and how Lance’s relationship with his siblings is very much the same as Keith and Shiro’s in terms of the emotional bonds (seriously, the paralles between Lance and Keith when their siblings (or if you’re a Sheith shipper, loved ones) are in danger is great. The Klance shipper in me is on the floor in tears crying about how these two boys will sacrifice themselves if it meant that their loved ones would live. Thanks for emotionally wrecking me on that Voltron writers). I love that we got to see Colleen Holt reunite with her husband and straight up go “FIGHT ME”  and win when Garrison command tells her she can’t stay because protocol, along with her being active in her own way. When she and Sam broadcast to their entire planet that an alien invasion is imminent, she doesn’t shy away from being the one to drop this bombshell. From the text, it appears that she fought long and hard trying to figure out what happened to her family long before Sam came back, I love that about her. She just wants to know her family is safe, or at least get some potential closure if their not, and she never backed down from that fight. So it’s great to see that reunion. And, quick aside, it’s clear from the visual text that she and Sam have a beautifully healthy relationship despite their years apart and they emotionally support one another. And I hope that we see more of that in the next season. And I’ve got high hopes for season eight for so many more reasons!

So now I guess I should address the one relationship that I said I would talk about at the start of all this.  Shiro and Adam.

Okay, so some of you may have already read my thoughts on an earlier post how how I didn’t believe we were going to get a tearful and heartfelt reunion between the two. (here’s the link if you want to read it in full: http://kirika-hime.tumblr.com/post/176794551537/okay-before-season-7-of-voltron-is-up-ive-got-a  It’s long, so sorry about that, but I’m going to be referencing it a bit here) And even with what little was given to us or even what could have been given to us, I can’t fully get behind Adam. 

Yes, we pretty much just got a fight, but hear me out for a moment. First things first, that fight, when you’re paying attention to it, actually sounds like a fight between two adults who care for each other and have been gone over the topic ad nauseam. Adam sounds tired. Shiro sounds tired and frustrated. The topic of Shiro going on the Kerberous Mission when his health is probably beginning to decline is clearly something that has truly strained their relationship. The acting and the animation show that with so little. And here’s the thing with that, it makes me asks a lot of big questions. If Shiro had stayed and they had gotten married, would that strain still be there? Would Shiro potentially resent Adam for convincing him not to go on the mission? If he does, does that strain begin to grow into a rift? What if their relationship was already showing some cracks in the foundation and they didn’t realize it? What if the fight and their split actually healthy for the two of them?  Would Sam and Matt still have gone the Kerberous Mission? And if they did, would Matt still even be alive? Would Sam find a way to escape? What about Pidge? Colleen? What happens to them? If Pidge is still demanding for answers, does Shiro demand for them as well? Does their relationship change? Does Pidge and Keith’s relationship change? Does Shiro get kicked out of the Garrison instead of Keith? Does Pidge still disguise herself And what about Voltron? Would the Blue Lion have been found at all? Or would Zarkon have found the others, including the Black Lion? Because if that’s what could happen, what does that mean for Allura and Coran? What does that mean for Earth? For Lotor and the Alteans he deceiving and manipulating? What about Romelle? What would have happened to her if Keith and Krolia never found her?

And I know a lot of these questions probably seem dumb and fanficcy to a lot of people, but I think they’re legit questions fans should ask. A lot of this story hinges on Shiro, Sam, and Matt going on the Kerberous Mission when you boil it down. So it’s important to explore how certain characters made certain decisions.  I don’t doubt that Shiro went on the Kerberous Mission to fulfill his dream one last time. He had no way of knowing that he was going to be abducted. But I’m positive that he wanted to be out in space one last time. I don’t think it was about breaking records, like Adam seemed to suggest. I think it was one man trying to get as much joy and fulfillment out of his life before he was fully confined by his illness. Shiro didn’t want to have any regrets when that time came. And possibly, he wanted to show Keith that even when the deck is stacked against him, he could still do amazing things. And it’s also selfish. Which is great because it gives Shiro a character flaw! And we can see how it shapes him when rewatching previous seasons. The guilt he feels from how he left things with Adam, of how he left Keith behind, probably drove a lot of his decisions and choices during his time as a prisoner and as the Black Paladin. Adam may have said that he wouldn’t be waiting for Shiro when he returned, but that still doesn’t mean Shiro wants him, anyone, to experience the horrors of war. Not when he potentially keep that from happening. As a Paladin, he can potentially redeem a lot of his perceived mistakes. That’s what makes Shiro interesting! (It’s also what makes him so difficult to write)

Adam is in his right to not want to put up with Shiro’s selfishness.  But I still hold from one argument from my previous post, that Adam gave up on Keith.

Now a lot of this is on assumptions and personal interpretation of the text (both actual words and visually) that’s been given to us, but I stand by that Adam gave up on a kid who needed him. No matter how you view Shiro and Keith’s relationship, Keith’s important to Shiro. He saw a lot of potential in a lonely child who, more than anything, needed someone to care about him beyond questioning if he was going to get into trouble or not. And as Shiro got closer to Keith, he saw a child who needed a family. A person who he could turn to when things started getting rough, for someone to be in his corner.  Keith at a young age was difficult to get along with, the first episode of this season showed us that. He’s closed off, kids his age don’t really want to take the time to understand him, and it seems that most adults aren’t willing to invest in the time to tease and pull out his strengths or see the kid that feels deeply for his loved ones. Keith has a lot of emotional baggage, and combine it with whatever possible galra childhood tendencies he might have that no one could have known about, you have a really tough job on your hands. And that’s what makes Keith and Shiro’s relationship so powerful. That Shiro was able to see the potential in him. Not just to be a great pilot, but to be a great and loving person. Shiro never gave up on him. 

But Adam did. Not once during episode seven or eight do we see Adam inquire after Shiro or Keith. Something that would have been so easy to include, and it never happened.  Adam no doubt was the first person Shiro talked to when it came to Keith (followed most likely by Sam, because, hey. Sam’s got two kids, he’s gotta know a thing or two about parenting overly-talented children, right?). He probably tried to get feedback, ideas, even confirmation on how he was interacting and raising Keith. And considering how close Keith and Shiro are, Adam definitely met and interacted with Keith.  Adam may not have fully agreed with Shiro pseudo-adopting Keith, but he saw how close the two were. He knew that Shiro was trying to give Keith the tools to succeed in life and get him out of a system that clearly did not care for him. And that could have been part of the reason why Adam loved Shiro.  Like I said in my first post, I fully believe that Shiro asked Adam to look after Keith while he was gone. I still believe that Keith acted similarly to Pidge in trying to get answers after Kerberous went belly-up. And I still fully believe that when Keith was kicked out of the Garrison and left homeless. And I still fully believe that Adam did nothing to help. Nothing that was given to us indicates that Adam tried to reach out and support Keith when Shiro disappeared.

In fact, I’m more angry at Adam now than before season seven was released. He understandably ended things with Shiro. He was tired of watching the man he loved putting his personal goals/desires before his health and couldn’t watch anymore. He told Shiro that he wouldn’t be waiting for him anymore. And I get that.  That sucks. Watching a person you love potentially destroying themselves hurts. The more you care about them, the more it hurts. But Adam, whether he meant it or not, included Keith in that. He cut Keith out of his life too. I don’t have any doubt that Keith tried to get Adam to help him in finding answers. Keith probably had his fair share of fights with Adam, trying to appeal to him that Shiro was too of a pilot for there to be an error, illness or not. That they have a right to know what happened to a person they love.  And Adam shut him out. He abandoned Keith. Whether it was to deal with his own emotional pain over Shiro’s disappearance or that he never cared for Keith in a similar way that Shiro did, I don’t know. But his response was to abandon a child he knew had no one. We get no indication that Adam opened up his home for Keith, or that he tried to find out where Keith went when he left for the desert.  And that’s what makes me angry. Is that Adam, whether he felt equipped to deal with Keith’s problems or not, abandoned a child who needed support more than ever. He didn’t have to care about Keith like a brother or a son, but he could have saw someone who was hurting as much as he was. Adam could have tried to talk to Keith and give him support. They could have potentially healed together over the loss of Shiro. But Adam let a young teenager, a child, feel abandoned once more and homeless on top of that. 

I can’t forgive him for that. Nothing in the text, via words or visually, indicates that Adam tried to help or be there for Keith. And I really wanted to like Adam, but what I’ve got to work with says otherwise.  Who knows, maybe season eight will prove me wrong. But until then, I just can’t. 

[koganphrancis]

Cam sucked down a few IPAs last night (click to enlarge bottle on lap) and suddenly the predictable effects of an eight month build up since his last Twitter outburst (RIP almost all his old tweets 2009-March 13, 2017) came bursting forth.

Let me preface this by saying that of course no one should tweet hate and hostility to anyone.  But as usual, when Cam starts trying to talk about it, he buries the message in his attacks on the world in general.  He becomes part of the problem-or hypocritical as fuck.

Now, on to his tweets: Whoa, whoa, whoa, big fella-who the hell expects plot lines to unfold EXACTLY as they want?  And bonus points for him using the label “toxic”-hey, you want to bunch us in with Mickey’s perceived adjective by the show runners and unappreciative fans, I’m happy to be on that side of the ledger.  

As for his “genuine question”-the first one doesn’t make sense-if we all only watched our own stories, storytelling wouldn’t even be a thing?  That is just you living your life?  And then the second part-did any of us SAY we have any kind of ownership?  Huh?  

He’s truly thankful for viewers who tweet him ass-kissing tweets about how marvelous he is, but fans that question why the show has turned to shit are toxic..

“We created it, of course we care,” says the guy who only seems to tweet about Shameless when there’s a gun to his head, who has stopped sharing BTS photos, who never tweets anything insightful, just “this shit’s on again this week, watch it or don’t”.  Yeah, we’re really not feeling that you care about the show or the characters WE still care about, including yours, and what’s happening to them as the show gets perplexingly more disjointed and retconned with every episode.  

Well, which is it, Cam?  Are we toxic or pissy?  And you know what?  It’s not the “team” that lost, it’s Mickey fans, Gallavich fans, fans who watched for the good portrayal of LGBT+, childhood abuse survivors, and people dealing with mental illness who fucking lost when this dumbass show decided to call Mickey an ignorant thug pimp attempted murderer and threw him away like he was trash.  I think we all have a right to be “pissy” about that.

OH NO HE DID NOT.  When I woke up to this rant this morning, when I got to this tweet, I almost had a stroke.  He totally went with the company line-used the exact same wording as Sheila’s original position (that she has since modified to “it seems like an easy fix to just pay the actor”)...I’m still livid about this.  Why is he saying this NOW, after Noel’s been gone YEARS?  At the end of Season 5, the night the finale aired, Cam was the only cast member to have the balls to call it what it was-the end of five years of collaboration.  I have no doubt he got his ass chewed out for it at the time, and that might partly explain why he remained quiet for a while after-but really?  NOW?  Now you’re throwing Noel under the bus?  It’s all his “fault”, that because he left that you’re now being upset by toxic, pissy fans?  NOT because of the shitty writing, the Noel/Mickey defamation that almost every cast member and producer/writer engaged in, the incredibly bad storylines the show has given us since, the costars they’ve paired your character with that can barely spit their lines out, let alone generate chemistry with you?  He can’t be that obtuse, that he thinks that people who truly appreciated Mickey and Noel’s portrayal of him are the ones sending hate to his questionable choice in gfs and to poor, in way over his head Elliot.  Again, it’s not right to send anyone hate, but he’s acting like sending hate to the people listed was caused by Noel “choosing” to walk away.  Fuck, we KNOW you’re not that dense, Cameron.  You’re just coming off as a total ass on this point-doing exactly what you’re accusing others of doing.  

This came off so wrong, so dismissive, so “you’re lucky I even do this shit-just shut up and take it”.  I get that it’s gotta be REALLY HARD to work at your craft like he actually does, to put heart and effort into it and then have people howl about how awful it is, but it’s not our fault that the scripts and stories and plot points he’s given to work with are total turds.  Yes, I get that he’s working extremely hard with his considerable talent to provide us with entertainment.  But no matter how hard you polish a turd, it’s still a turd.  And if fans just sat back and accepted it, the turds would get even worse.  And he wouldn’t want us to just sit back like parents at a kindergarten play saying everything he does is like a rainbow shooting out of his ass.  Maybe for a while he’d enjoy the non-discerning adulation of a teenage girl with her first crush who thinks everything he does is a revelation and awesome, but it’d get old, fast.  If he and the rest of the cast got a participation trophy for every single episode, what’s the point?  If fans aren’t saying, “Hey, this part that you guys did here?  Not so great...” where’s his incentive to do better, reach further?  

On another note though-great use of the past tense here, Cameron.  That actually IS accurate-what the show used to provide in the Gallavich days was art, but now it’s not.  

Saints preserve us-he’s said shit like this before, and it’s never been what he’s said it’s going to be.  I HOPE he’s hinting at Ian being manic again with the “harrowing and tragically comic” word choice, but didn’t the writers say they’ve addressed that and Ian’s fine, he’s on meds, no need to worry about that stuff anymore?  From the spoilers I’ve seen, sadly hoping Ian doesn’t have his disorder under control seems to be the only explanation for what he’s going to do.  And, really, that’s not something I want to see unless the payoff is he finally realizes how no one, not his family, not Terror, not anyone but Mickey was ever there for him.  

[cerullos]

Hi! I'm not sure if anyone's asked you this before, but I was wondering if you'd be willing to talk about your experience with the disney college program, like the application process and the role you were in and everything? I'm really interested in applying for next year but it's all a little overwhelming and it would be really awesome to hear from someone who's actually gone through it! Thanks so much!!

i had a college program tag, so if i had it would be in there but i think that tag ended up being mostly…casual day-to-day text posts rather than useful information about the program lmao. but yeah! i’m actually planning to apply again soon (applications for spring 2018 drop in mid-late august). there’s the application for the general disney college program, the culinary program and then various applications for professional internships. the regular college program will place you in a $9-10/hour minimum wage job (merchandise, attractions, lifeguard, etc.)  but professional internships are higher-paying, much more selective more like typical internships (roles at team disney and other office buildings on property, or career-specific roles like research development or marine biology at epcot). you’re allowed to apply for multiple professional internships on top of the regular college program (they suggest applying for no more than three iirc) and that’s probably what i’ll be doing this summer.

this will probably be very, very extremely long because…there’s a lot but skim as needed! 

professional internships require all the usual tedious prep-work (updating your linkedin, resume and cover letter, an application screening process and two phone interviews) but the general college program is a lot less rigorous! you get guaranteed housing, complimentary transportation, and free admission to the parks either way. applying for the regular college program is basically a three-step process. when the applications drop (in late august) you’ll fill out your basic information (personal information, work history, etc.) and they’ll also ask you to weigh your interest in each role. you can choose between “high interest,” “medium interest,” “low interest” and “no interest at all,” and if you genuinely don’t feel capable of performing a certain role or just don’t want to do it, mark “no interest at all.” they make a genuine effort to place you in roles you marked with high/medium interest, but if it’s a short-staffed season, they can assign you to a role you’ve marked “low interest.” that being said, imo try to avoid assigning “no/low interest” to too many roles, because a) it gives them fewer opportunities to place you and b) it makes it look like you care about yourself more than disney…not to be wild but disney Does Not Like That one bit. 

pretty much everyone is passed onto the second step which is the WBI (web-based interview) but this is where you need to be…careful. if you’re nervous, i would recommend searching “dcp web-based interview” on youtube, google, etc. for an idea of what you’ll be asked. if you’ve worked minimum wage retail jobs before, you’ll probably have seen something similar (i took a web-based interview to work at macy’s and it was somehow even worse than disney’s) but it’s basically gauging a) your competency (not w/ a specific role but just like: if a kid gets hurt, what do you do? if a guest complains, how do you respond?) and b) how much you value the opportunity/how hard you intend to work (like: do you mind working late hours? do you mind working holidays and weekends?). people will tell you to be honest…um. do not. literally no one wants to work christmas day and new years eve (i worked both), but saying that makes it look like you don’t care. a friend of mine attended a lecture during our program and someone involved in the application process basically confirmed that no one actually expects you to be honest…it’s a test of loyalty to the company. i was also told that if you fail the application process 2-3+ times and keep trying, they’ll automatically admit you because you’ve shown how much you care about disney…showing enthusiasm for and commitment to disney is literally the #1 thing they’re looking for. they’ll train you in how to do your job on site. 

the third step is the phone interview and it’s pretty typical of phone interviews, if you’ve ever done one before. i’ve actually done it twice (i got into the program earlier but had to decline the first time for personal reasons) and your interviewers are usually very friendly and patient…the whole thing lasts 10-15 minutes at most. again, you can google and youtube search “dcp phone interview” and find a list of the exact questions you’ll be asked. i’d recommend looking each of them over and getting an idea of how you would answer, but don’t type it out and read off a paper. you want to sound personable/cheerful/etc. (more so than in your average phone interview) and it’s worth being less than eloquent or stumbling a little here and there if you can stay smiling throughout the conversation. in my exp. they’ll start by asking general questions about your interest in the program (why do you want to do this program? how does the program relate to your area of study? are you comfortable living with multiple roommates?) with some one-offs thrown in like “what’s your favorite disney character?” then they’ll segue into asking you jobs about specific roles…usually 2-3. these are the roles they’ll be considering you for (like, if they start asking you about your experience with a video camera, you’re being considered for photopass. if they start asking you if you’re comfortable with public speaking, you’re being considered for attractions). at the end, they’ll ask you if you have any questions, and it helps to have one prepared (again, pretty general phone interview procedure). you can also request placement at specific parks or resorts at this point, but don’t expect a guarantee. 

re: housing, if you’re going alone, i would say to make a facebook if you don’t already have one (you’ll use it for trading shifts during the program anyway), join some DCP groups for your class and hook up w/ people to room with. they’ll ask you to rank the dorms in order of most to least interest…imo just put vista way last lmao. 

imo, it’s worth knowing going into this that the workload is no joke…you get a week or so to settle in, but once you’ve attended traditions (a 5+ hour lecture where you’re given your ID card and taken into magic kingdom for the first time) they’re going to load your schedules with lectures, basic training, disney history (subtle brainwashing tends to come with the territory w/ these) on the job training, and then you start work. while i was there, you were able to trade shifts either for a different day or for a free day, but i have two friends on campus now and they told me you can’t trade for a day off anymore w/o a leader’s permission b/c too many CPs were missing rent (they take your rent $$$ right out of your paycheck) so you’ll be working 5-6 days a week, and like i said, they absolutely will schedule you to work holidays. you can call out but there’s a points system (i won’t get into that) so you need to be careful when and how often you do. 

anyway…i was chosen to be a lifeguard which was a disaster. disney’s lifeguards are ellis-trained, which means you need to swim eight laps to qualify, and then go through three days of physically intensive training. i was fortunate enough to get Extremely Fucking Sick mid-way through this training, and had to transfer jobs (job-hopping is very, very hard to do and discouraged, so i wouldn’t count on that; i was told right there on the phone that they would see what they could do, but i could potentially be dropped from the program). but they allowed me to choose my role and my location, so…i was kind of spoiled. i was adlib (adventureland/liberty square) merchandise in magic kingdom. i loved my job very much, and i’m desperately hoping i get placed in magic kingdom again if i get in. i worked in all of the shops in lib square and adventureland (so like, the pirates of the caribbean shop, the shops in agrabah, the haunted mansion gift shop and the christmas ornament shop) (EDIT: i forgot to mention that one of the perks of merchandise is that you can pick up shifts at any store, across the parks, the resorts, ESPN and disney springs. so i’ve picked up shifts in most areas of magic kingdom and also hollywood studios; main street was my favorite place to pick up) but adventureland is in charge of the magic kingdom glow carts, and most of the college programs and younger cast members are assigned to glow carts 24/7 because we’re younger and it’s…a lot of work. this was a very specific outdoor/crowd-intensive role that you probably won’t be dealing with (they do have glow carts in all of the parks, so you never know!) but i adored it. i got to attend all of the christmas and halloween parties free, wear the christmas and halloween costumes, and watch all of the parades. i got to watch wishes every night (and occasionally celebrate the magic and other castle shows, if i was on main street or in the castle hub) and had lots of Magical Moments™ which you’ll learn about if you wind up in the program. 

this is absurdly long but there’s just…so much to cover it’s a little ridiculous. imo it’s a bit of a double-edged sword. if you do love disney/the parks, i really, super highly recommend doing this internship. if you’re not 100% up to your ears in childhood nostalgia for disney, the DCP will probably drive you up the wall from sheer, constant overexposure to all things disney. i left campus maybe one (1) time, for the orlando pride parade…i ate only at disney restaurants, talked only to other cast members (parks gossip and what fireworks shows are getting replaced with new fireworks shows, etc.), every single night out was at the parks. and i loved it but some…did not! if you do like it and want to continue, adding all of your cast members (especially leaders) on linkedin/facebook/etc. and keeping in touch with them is essential…i didn’t do that and i’m kicking myself for it daily. there are tens of thousands of cast members working at disney, and 10,000+ CPs alone…it’s an enormous community and it was a very strange thing to be a part of…sometimes very rewarding, sometimes exhausting! but if i was offered a free trip to wdw right now, i would feel weird about going because i feel weird about being there as a guest and ultimately valued my experience as a cast member so much more. so all that being said, i think it’s an experience worth having–again, if everything i’ve discussed here is your cup of tea. 

anyway, if you have any more specific questions i’m sure i could hit you up with a response of a much more reasonable length lmao. good luck, and if you’re planning to apply for 2018, i would definitely consider giving it a shot this august. 

[samanthasroberts]

5 Common Things Hollywood Does That Instantly Kills A Story

Usually, the factors that pull you out of your focus on a movie or TV show are external. Someone forgets to silence their cellphone, or your mom asks you a question about the plot, or your date from OKCupid decides that a matinee showing of Dunkirk is the perfect time to start getting handsy. That kind of thing. But sometimes it isn’t the fault of the unforgiving world around you. Sometimes movies and shows do the job themselves and awkwardly tear you from your haze, placing you in the uncomfortable territory of “Oh damn. I am watching something, and am terrifyingly aware of that.” How do movies stealthily slit the throat of their own escapism? Well, they do things like …

5

Pausing For The Cameo Of A Big Star

Despite the fact that modern TV is full of quality entertainment that would make movies break out in frustrated, jealous tears, it still operates on the archaic system of “Movies are where important things go, and TV is where you watch inconsequential drivel that serves as a placeholder for actual enjoyment.” Don’t believe me? Look at how shows treat guest stars who are mostly known from movies or other mediums. They are in awe of them. The camera lingers on them, telling you that while the regular cast is nice and all, you should now place your undivided attention on the god king who has just entered the room.

I’m always down for a good lingering camera if the context is right. Jeff Goldblum is returning for Jurassic World 2, and I will be deeply disappointed if his introduction shot stays at Beautiful Jeff Goldblum Face Level for anything less than 20 uninterrupted minutes. The same goes for when a character has seemingly died but then comes back triumphantly. When Lex Luthor showed up in the last episode of Smallville to remind viewers that Superman’s future would not lack bald megalomaniacs, the camera seems to be more thrilled about this than anyone. And it probably was, honestly. Being a living, breathing Smallville fan was not, how should I put this, a “fulfilling” experience.

But the pause that might as well double as a “Clap Now” sign reeks of desperation, and rips away any chance to view what you’re watching as smooth, organic fiction. I don’t demand absolute reality from things. There is NO ONE in the world worse than someone who can’t put their malfunction behind them for two fucking seconds and just HAS TO remind you that no, Batman couldn’t do that in real life. Those people are fun traitors. But when the camera stops to gaze at the bigger star who is encroaching on the lives of the peons who normally inhabit the show, it’s not just stopping the flow of the episode dead; it’s reminding you that Hollywood has a definite hierarchy. A being of shining light and multiple movie deals has deemed this cast of characters worth their time, and we should feel blessed on their behalf.

Even worse is that usually, these guest stars are pretty damn talented. When Steve Carell left The Office, the employees spent a few episodes trying to find a replacement for him. This led to a parade of guest stars like Will Ferrell, Will Arnett, and Jim Carrey, and you’d think that comedy powerhouses like these, when supplied with jokes on one of the best-written sitcoms of the 2000s, would provide an avalanche of humor. Homes destroyed and families torn apart from the sheer magnitude of the fucking comedy. But no, they just kind of shuffled through the show as the camera jammed itself into their pores, as if to scream “ISN’T IT COOL THAT WE GOT WILL GODDAMN ARNETT TO BE ON THE OFFICE? ROUND OF APPLAUSE FOR WILL ARNETT FOR LOWERING HIMSELF ENOUGH TO BE HERE.”

4

The Biggest Name Is Usually The Killer

Dramatic shows that have any number of “good guys” require guest stars to keep going. Unless the creators of Law & Order want every plot to be “Ice T was the killer all along, but we forgave him, because aww, just look at him,” they need new talent to fill out the ranks of serial killers, pedophiles, and bartenders who just might have seen someone who looks like that. But this necessity has created a painfully obvious trend: Whenever a big name shows up in a series, they’re going to be doing big-name stuff. And apparently, big-name stuff always involves ruining the surprise.

I’ve talked about Dexter in a few columns because, really, I’m still coming to terms with it. You devote eight years of your life to a show, and then it ends with the plot equivalent of a drunk pissing on your head from a third-story balcony. So you begin to think really hard about whether it was ever that good. And I’ve come to this conclusion: Yeah, it had some really great parts, but man, it had the worst “I wonder what THIS guest star will do?” poker face in the industry.

The first two seasons of Dexter tell a perfectly contained story. And then in Season 3, Jimmy Smits swaggers in with a kind of “I’d like to get a beer with that guy” charisma that only Jimmy Smits really has. But then Jimmy Smits turns into EVIL Jimmy Smits, and Dexter has to kill him. Then John Lithgow shows up in Season 4, and while he’s great, the pattern is being established. By the time Colin Hanks burst into Season 6 with a plotline so terrible that it served as a Dexter Is Not Going To Get Good Again trumpet of the cancellation apocalypse, the standard had been set: If a new dude shows up on Dexter, that dude is almost 100 percent going to end up as Dexter’s table dressing.

Obviously, if an established actor shows up on a prestige TV drama, they’re going to be given a role with some meat to it. When William Hurt or whoever inevitably shows up on the fifth season of Westworld, they’re not going to be given the role of Blowjob Robot Bartender #4. They’re going to get Maniacal Douche Who Was Super Integral To The Creation Of Westworld Who We Never Really Discussed Before. And them basically spelling out what’s going to happen in the rest of the season or episode doesn’t stop them from giving a knockout performance. It just momentarily stops us from getting lost in the show.

It’s also admitting that we’ve kind of pigeonholed what we think makes for good, guest-star-worthy roles. Someone with any kind of positive qualities? Pssssh. Demented Man Child That Makes Tiny Doll Furniture Out Of His Victim’s Toenails? You can basically smell the Emmys on that one.

3

Being Waaaaay Too Self-Aware

Having a sense of self-awareness can be helpful. It’s what prevents you from deciding that your show about six friends who live in New York City is a fresh idea, and it gives you a moment of hesitation when you think “A guy named Harry meets a girl named Sally. HOW HAS NO ONE COME UP WITH THAT?!?”

Even adding a little self-awareness to your story isn’t so bad if you do it in nice doses. The reason The Cabin In The Woods works so well is that it comments on horror film tropes, but doesn’t rely on that to be effective. Compare that to something like Scream 4, where hoping that you get the reference is all that that movie has going for it. The first two Scream films are neat little venture into the nature of horror movies and their sequels, but by the time Scream 4 rolled around, the series had looped back through its own butthole and out of its mouth again in order to prove that it was still relevant. And it wouldn’t have had to do that if it had done the basic job of a movie, instead of relying on blistering self-awareness.

Community at its best was a show with so, so much heart. The love that the writers had for the characters bleeds through, and it’s a passion project carefully disguised as a typical prime-time sitcom. And in its early seasons, the series pulled off self-awareness pretty effortlessly. And maybe it’s due to the fact that Community began to lose core cast members starting in the fifth season, and the last half of the show was plagued with a shuffling creative team, but the self-awareness which had initially set it apart from regular shows became a crutch. The emotional stakes were lost, and in their place were constant comments about the nature of TV, which is like hearing your cheeseburger explain its own ingredients while you try to eat it.

Even vague self-awareness can be jarring if it comes out of nowhere. Kingsman: The Secret Service is a fantastic movie when it’s not talking about the spy movies that it’s borderline-parodying. If that scene in which Colin Firth was taking out the church full of bigots was still going to this day, I’d be okay with it. And don’t act like there isn’t a version of “Freebird” that is three years long. I know there is.

But slapped in the middle of the movie is a conversation between Firth and Samuel L. Jackson about the nature of spy flicks, as if they’re assuming that the audiences that have not yet seen the movie are already a little “out of the know” about what it’s trying to do. Come on, movie. Give us some credit.

2

Music That Defies The Laws Of The Universe

Movie soundtracks can do two very different things. They can heighten an experience, pulling you into the film in the way that a music-less scene could never do. They get your blood pumping without you even knowing, and pretty soon you’re first-pumping by yourself in the theater and screaming that you’ll be forever young at the top of your lungs. Hey, you’re doing it too, not necessarily just me. But a soundtrack can also drop you on your head, revealing that the movie that you’re watching is just a big marketing ploy by people who have figured that since you like Iron Man AND Ed Sheeran, putting both in the same movie at the same time will result in a dump truck full of dollar bills and hookers showing up to their houses.

How does it drop you from your cradle? Well, for one, it can bend the laws of time and space, forcing you to question why anyone would make a movie this way. Take the movie Hitch, for example, wherein Will Smith teaches dudes to talk to women, and teaches YOU to be more careful about picking out which Will Smith movies you go see. He teaches Kevin James how to dance in one scene, but starts his lesson by shutting off the music that’s playing at a party in the future? Future humans were dancing to that song, Will. Don’t cut a hole in the continuum of time when a motherfucker is trying to get down.

Will then puts on the song “Yeah!”, which you might remember from it being more popular than oxygen in the mid 2000s. And then Kevin James dances to “Yeah!” both at Will’s house and at this future party. My problem doesn’t lie with the song “Yeah!” showing up at two different places at two different times, because, again, I’ve heard “Yeah!” more than I’ve heard the Pledge of Allegiance, the National Anthem, and “I love you” combined. It’s just that this scene is edited in a way that makes you realize A) Hitch is a wizard, and B) this movie is a shallow attempt at getting us to like the song “Yeah!” more.

And sometimes a movie will feature a song that’s performed by an actor in that movie. Like how Texas Chainsaw 3D plays the song “2 Reasons,” and one of the characters listening to it and enjoying it is Trey Songz, the guy who sang “2 Reasons.” That’s not a slight wink and a nudge, filmmakers. That’s a big invisible hand coming out of the screen to jar you out of whatever good things you might be feeling and reminding you to go download “2 Reasons,” because the actor who fucking made “2 Reasons” in real life seems to really be enjoying “2 Reasons” in this completely fake life. If you want to give the audience a cue to simultaneously begin ignoring the movie and start playing around on their phones for a little bit, this one is as good as any.

1

“Event” Episodes Where No One Is Happy To Be There

Earlier, I mentioned guest actors, and spoke pretty harshly of them. My apologies, guest actors. To make it up to you, the rest of this column will be written by John Stamos, and he will be playing the role of me. I make these amends because guest actors aren’t the worst things to take you out of TV shows. That honor goes to “event” episodes in which non-actors are given roles, and we’re supposed to be cool with it. “Suck it up,” your television says, “If it wasn’t for me, you’d be playing charades with people you pretend to like.”

The “events” I’m referring to are usually one of two things: musicians coming into town or pro wrestling events. And they’re so awkwardly crammed into the plots that you can’t help but feel your joy be driven from your body like a screeching ghost while you watch. Nothing says “No one wants to be here, especially the people on your screen” like a sitcom episode that features a rock star or a professional wrestler. For example, watch this clip of the time the band Anthrax showed up on Married With Children. But only do it if you want to see a dozen people lose their enthusiasm for the arts allllll at once.

If you watched that and found your sense of happiness to still be alive and breathing, watch Stevie Wonder’s appearance on The Cosby Show, the kind of thing that only happens when the Devil is handling God’s day shift. And if you still have any delusions about the positive power of fiction, dash them by staring into the abyss of any pro wrestler cameo on any sitcom ever — cameos that are usually announced by characters who are suddenly into wrasslin’. This, as a wrasslin’ fan, is absurd from the ground up. You don’t just suddenly declare that there’s a wrestling show near you and that you’re into wrestling. You are into wrestling, and your family and friends spend their whole lives wishing that you’d shut the fuck up about it.

These episodes usually involve either a member of the cast and their stunt doubles clumsily recreating what a sitcom director thinks wrestling is like (like in Fuller House or The X-Files), or finding a way to work the fact that most wrestlers are seven feet wide into the plot (like in Boy Meets World or Smallville). Admittedly, the wrestlers usually seem like they’re having a better time on the shows than musicians do. But nothing clips the wings of your flight into TV wonderland faster than the harsh introduction of pro wrestling logic into an otherwise normal show. “These five friends are on a mission to find success and love in the big city, and over the years, you will fall in love with their wit and their willingness to find pleasure in the small things in life. Oh, and meet their new landlord, Big Van Vader, who is roughly the size of a Woolly Mammoth.”

Daniel is listening to “Yeah!”, as it’s the only thing that drowns out the loneliness. He is a brittle husk of a man on Twitter.

It sucks that your friends are always ruining movies for you, but you won’t need friends anymore after you get the Amazon Fire stick with Alexa voice remote.

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Source: http://allofbeer.com/5-common-things-hollywood-does-that-instantly-kills-a-story/

from All of Beer https://allofbeer.wordpress.com/2019/01/08/5-common-things-hollywood-does-that-instantly-kills-a-story/

[adambstingus]

5 Common Things Hollywood Does That Instantly Kills A Story

Usually, the factors that pull you out of your focus on a movie or TV show are external. Someone forgets to silence their cellphone, or your mom asks you a question about the plot, or your date from OKCupid decides that a matinee showing of Dunkirk is the perfect time to start getting handsy. That kind of thing. But sometimes it isn’t the fault of the unforgiving world around you. Sometimes movies and shows do the job themselves and awkwardly tear you from your haze, placing you in the uncomfortable territory of “Oh damn. I am watching something, and am terrifyingly aware of that.” How do movies stealthily slit the throat of their own escapism? Well, they do things like …

5

Pausing For The Cameo Of A Big Star

Despite the fact that modern TV is full of quality entertainment that would make movies break out in frustrated, jealous tears, it still operates on the archaic system of “Movies are where important things go, and TV is where you watch inconsequential drivel that serves as a placeholder for actual enjoyment.” Don’t believe me? Look at how shows treat guest stars who are mostly known from movies or other mediums. They are in awe of them. The camera lingers on them, telling you that while the regular cast is nice and all, you should now place your undivided attention on the god king who has just entered the room.

I’m always down for a good lingering camera if the context is right. Jeff Goldblum is returning for Jurassic World 2, and I will be deeply disappointed if his introduction shot stays at Beautiful Jeff Goldblum Face Level for anything less than 20 uninterrupted minutes. The same goes for when a character has seemingly died but then comes back triumphantly. When Lex Luthor showed up in the last episode of Smallville to remind viewers that Superman’s future would not lack bald megalomaniacs, the camera seems to be more thrilled about this than anyone. And it probably was, honestly. Being a living, breathing Smallville fan was not, how should I put this, a “fulfilling” experience.

But the pause that might as well double as a “Clap Now” sign reeks of desperation, and rips away any chance to view what you’re watching as smooth, organic fiction. I don’t demand absolute reality from things. There is NO ONE in the world worse than someone who can’t put their malfunction behind them for two fucking seconds and just HAS TO remind you that no, Batman couldn’t do that in real life. Those people are fun traitors. But when the camera stops to gaze at the bigger star who is encroaching on the lives of the peons who normally inhabit the show, it’s not just stopping the flow of the episode dead; it’s reminding you that Hollywood has a definite hierarchy. A being of shining light and multiple movie deals has deemed this cast of characters worth their time, and we should feel blessed on their behalf.

Even worse is that usually, these guest stars are pretty damn talented. When Steve Carell left The Office, the employees spent a few episodes trying to find a replacement for him. This led to a parade of guest stars like Will Ferrell, Will Arnett, and Jim Carrey, and you’d think that comedy powerhouses like these, when supplied with jokes on one of the best-written sitcoms of the 2000s, would provide an avalanche of humor. Homes destroyed and families torn apart from the sheer magnitude of the fucking comedy. But no, they just kind of shuffled through the show as the camera jammed itself into their pores, as if to scream “ISN’T IT COOL THAT WE GOT WILL GODDAMN ARNETT TO BE ON THE OFFICE? ROUND OF APPLAUSE FOR WILL ARNETT FOR LOWERING HIMSELF ENOUGH TO BE HERE.”

4

The Biggest Name Is Usually The Killer

Dramatic shows that have any number of “good guys” require guest stars to keep going. Unless the creators of Law & Order want every plot to be “Ice T was the killer all along, but we forgave him, because aww, just look at him,” they need new talent to fill out the ranks of serial killers, pedophiles, and bartenders who just might have seen someone who looks like that. But this necessity has created a painfully obvious trend: Whenever a big name shows up in a series, they’re going to be doing big-name stuff. And apparently, big-name stuff always involves ruining the surprise.

I’ve talked about Dexter in a few columns because, really, I’m still coming to terms with it. You devote eight years of your life to a show, and then it ends with the plot equivalent of a drunk pissing on your head from a third-story balcony. So you begin to think really hard about whether it was ever that good. And I’ve come to this conclusion: Yeah, it had some really great parts, but man, it had the worst “I wonder what THIS guest star will do?” poker face in the industry.

The first two seasons of Dexter tell a perfectly contained story. And then in Season 3, Jimmy Smits swaggers in with a kind of “I’d like to get a beer with that guy” charisma that only Jimmy Smits really has. But then Jimmy Smits turns into EVIL Jimmy Smits, and Dexter has to kill him. Then John Lithgow shows up in Season 4, and while he’s great, the pattern is being established. By the time Colin Hanks burst into Season 6 with a plotline so terrible that it served as a Dexter Is Not Going To Get Good Again trumpet of the cancellation apocalypse, the standard had been set: If a new dude shows up on Dexter, that dude is almost 100 percent going to end up as Dexter’s table dressing.

Obviously, if an established actor shows up on a prestige TV drama, they’re going to be given a role with some meat to it. When William Hurt or whoever inevitably shows up on the fifth season of Westworld, they’re not going to be given the role of Blowjob Robot Bartender #4. They’re going to get Maniacal Douche Who Was Super Integral To The Creation Of Westworld Who We Never Really Discussed Before. And them basically spelling out what’s going to happen in the rest of the season or episode doesn’t stop them from giving a knockout performance. It just momentarily stops us from getting lost in the show.

It’s also admitting that we’ve kind of pigeonholed what we think makes for good, guest-star-worthy roles. Someone with any kind of positive qualities? Pssssh. Demented Man Child That Makes Tiny Doll Furniture Out Of His Victim’s Toenails? You can basically smell the Emmys on that one.

3

Being Waaaaay Too Self-Aware

Having a sense of self-awareness can be helpful. It’s what prevents you from deciding that your show about six friends who live in New York City is a fresh idea, and it gives you a moment of hesitation when you think “A guy named Harry meets a girl named Sally. HOW HAS NO ONE COME UP WITH THAT?!?”

Even adding a little self-awareness to your story isn’t so bad if you do it in nice doses. The reason The Cabin In The Woods works so well is that it comments on horror film tropes, but doesn’t rely on that to be effective. Compare that to something like Scream 4, where hoping that you get the reference is all that that movie has going for it. The first two Scream films are neat little venture into the nature of horror movies and their sequels, but by the time Scream 4 rolled around, the series had looped back through its own butthole and out of its mouth again in order to prove that it was still relevant. And it wouldn’t have had to do that if it had done the basic job of a movie, instead of relying on blistering self-awareness.

Community at its best was a show with so, so much heart. The love that the writers had for the characters bleeds through, and it’s a passion project carefully disguised as a typical prime-time sitcom. And in its early seasons, the series pulled off self-awareness pretty effortlessly. And maybe it’s due to the fact that Community began to lose core cast members starting in the fifth season, and the last half of the show was plagued with a shuffling creative team, but the self-awareness which had initially set it apart from regular shows became a crutch. The emotional stakes were lost, and in their place were constant comments about the nature of TV, which is like hearing your cheeseburger explain its own ingredients while you try to eat it.

Even vague self-awareness can be jarring if it comes out of nowhere. Kingsman: The Secret Service is a fantastic movie when it’s not talking about the spy movies that it’s borderline-parodying. If that scene in which Colin Firth was taking out the church full of bigots was still going to this day, I’d be okay with it. And don’t act like there isn’t a version of “Freebird” that is three years long. I know there is.

But slapped in the middle of the movie is a conversation between Firth and Samuel L. Jackson about the nature of spy flicks, as if they’re assuming that the audiences that have not yet seen the movie are already a little “out of the know” about what it’s trying to do. Come on, movie. Give us some credit.

2

Music That Defies The Laws Of The Universe

Movie soundtracks can do two very different things. They can heighten an experience, pulling you into the film in the way that a music-less scene could never do. They get your blood pumping without you even knowing, and pretty soon you’re first-pumping by yourself in the theater and screaming that you’ll be forever young at the top of your lungs. Hey, you’re doing it too, not necessarily just me. But a soundtrack can also drop you on your head, revealing that the movie that you’re watching is just a big marketing ploy by people who have figured that since you like Iron Man AND Ed Sheeran, putting both in the same movie at the same time will result in a dump truck full of dollar bills and hookers showing up to their houses.

How does it drop you from your cradle? Well, for one, it can bend the laws of time and space, forcing you to question why anyone would make a movie this way. Take the movie Hitch, for example, wherein Will Smith teaches dudes to talk to women, and teaches YOU to be more careful about picking out which Will Smith movies you go see. He teaches Kevin James how to dance in one scene, but starts his lesson by shutting off the music that’s playing at a party in the future? Future humans were dancing to that song, Will. Don’t cut a hole in the continuum of time when a motherfucker is trying to get down.

Will then puts on the song “Yeah!”, which you might remember from it being more popular than oxygen in the mid 2000s. And then Kevin James dances to “Yeah!” both at Will’s house and at this future party. My problem doesn’t lie with the song “Yeah!” showing up at two different places at two different times, because, again, I’ve heard “Yeah!” more than I’ve heard the Pledge of Allegiance, the National Anthem, and “I love you” combined. It’s just that this scene is edited in a way that makes you realize A) Hitch is a wizard, and B) this movie is a shallow attempt at getting us to like the song “Yeah!” more.

And sometimes a movie will feature a song that’s performed by an actor in that movie. Like how Texas Chainsaw 3D plays the song “2 Reasons,” and one of the characters listening to it and enjoying it is Trey Songz, the guy who sang “2 Reasons.” That’s not a slight wink and a nudge, filmmakers. That’s a big invisible hand coming out of the screen to jar you out of whatever good things you might be feeling and reminding you to go download “2 Reasons,” because the actor who fucking made “2 Reasons” in real life seems to really be enjoying “2 Reasons” in this completely fake life. If you want to give the audience a cue to simultaneously begin ignoring the movie and start playing around on their phones for a little bit, this one is as good as any.

1

“Event” Episodes Where No One Is Happy To Be There

Earlier, I mentioned guest actors, and spoke pretty harshly of them. My apologies, guest actors. To make it up to you, the rest of this column will be written by John Stamos, and he will be playing the role of me. I make these amends because guest actors aren’t the worst things to take you out of TV shows. That honor goes to “event” episodes in which non-actors are given roles, and we’re supposed to be cool with it. “Suck it up,” your television says, “If it wasn’t for me, you’d be playing charades with people you pretend to like.”

The “events” I’m referring to are usually one of two things: musicians coming into town or pro wrestling events. And they’re so awkwardly crammed into the plots that you can’t help but feel your joy be driven from your body like a screeching ghost while you watch. Nothing says “No one wants to be here, especially the people on your screen” like a sitcom episode that features a rock star or a professional wrestler. For example, watch this clip of the time the band Anthrax showed up on Married With Children. But only do it if you want to see a dozen people lose their enthusiasm for the arts allllll at once.

If you watched that and found your sense of happiness to still be alive and breathing, watch Stevie Wonder’s appearance on The Cosby Show, the kind of thing that only happens when the Devil is handling God’s day shift. And if you still have any delusions about the positive power of fiction, dash them by staring into the abyss of any pro wrestler cameo on any sitcom ever — cameos that are usually announced by characters who are suddenly into wrasslin’. This, as a wrasslin’ fan, is absurd from the ground up. You don’t just suddenly declare that there’s a wrestling show near you and that you’re into wrestling. You are into wrestling, and your family and friends spend their whole lives wishing that you’d shut the fuck up about it.

These episodes usually involve either a member of the cast and their stunt doubles clumsily recreating what a sitcom director thinks wrestling is like (like in Fuller House or The X-Files), or finding a way to work the fact that most wrestlers are seven feet wide into the plot (like in Boy Meets World or Smallville). Admittedly, the wrestlers usually seem like they’re having a better time on the shows than musicians do. But nothing clips the wings of your flight into TV wonderland faster than the harsh introduction of pro wrestling logic into an otherwise normal show. “These five friends are on a mission to find success and love in the big city, and over the years, you will fall in love with their wit and their willingness to find pleasure in the small things in life. Oh, and meet their new landlord, Big Van Vader, who is roughly the size of a Woolly Mammoth.”

Daniel is listening to “Yeah!”, as it’s the only thing that drowns out the loneliness. He is a brittle husk of a man on Twitter.

It sucks that your friends are always ruining movies for you, but you won’t need friends anymore after you get the Amazon Fire stick with Alexa voice remote.

If you loved this article and want more content like this, support our site with a visit to our Contribution Page. Please and thank you.

from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/5-common-things-hollywood-does-that-instantly-kills-a-story/ from All of Beer https://allofbeercom.tumblr.com/post/181849531207

[allofbeercom]

5 Common Things Hollywood Does That Instantly Kills A Story

Usually, the factors that pull you out of your focus on a movie or TV show are external. Someone forgets to silence their cellphone, or your mom asks you a question about the plot, or your date from OKCupid decides that a matinee showing of Dunkirk is the perfect time to start getting handsy. That kind of thing. But sometimes it isn’t the fault of the unforgiving world around you. Sometimes movies and shows do the job themselves and awkwardly tear you from your haze, placing you in the uncomfortable territory of “Oh damn. I am watching something, and am terrifyingly aware of that.” How do movies stealthily slit the throat of their own escapism? Well, they do things like …

5

Pausing For The Cameo Of A Big Star

Despite the fact that modern TV is full of quality entertainment that would make movies break out in frustrated, jealous tears, it still operates on the archaic system of “Movies are where important things go, and TV is where you watch inconsequential drivel that serves as a placeholder for actual enjoyment.” Don’t believe me? Look at how shows treat guest stars who are mostly known from movies or other mediums. They are in awe of them. The camera lingers on them, telling you that while the regular cast is nice and all, you should now place your undivided attention on the god king who has just entered the room.

I’m always down for a good lingering camera if the context is right. Jeff Goldblum is returning for Jurassic World 2, and I will be deeply disappointed if his introduction shot stays at Beautiful Jeff Goldblum Face Level for anything less than 20 uninterrupted minutes. The same goes for when a character has seemingly died but then comes back triumphantly. When Lex Luthor showed up in the last episode of Smallville to remind viewers that Superman’s future would not lack bald megalomaniacs, the camera seems to be more thrilled about this than anyone. And it probably was, honestly. Being a living, breathing Smallville fan was not, how should I put this, a “fulfilling” experience.

But the pause that might as well double as a “Clap Now” sign reeks of desperation, and rips away any chance to view what you’re watching as smooth, organic fiction. I don’t demand absolute reality from things. There is NO ONE in the world worse than someone who can’t put their malfunction behind them for two fucking seconds and just HAS TO remind you that no, Batman couldn’t do that in real life. Those people are fun traitors. But when the camera stops to gaze at the bigger star who is encroaching on the lives of the peons who normally inhabit the show, it’s not just stopping the flow of the episode dead; it’s reminding you that Hollywood has a definite hierarchy. A being of shining light and multiple movie deals has deemed this cast of characters worth their time, and we should feel blessed on their behalf.

Even worse is that usually, these guest stars are pretty damn talented. When Steve Carell left The Office, the employees spent a few episodes trying to find a replacement for him. This led to a parade of guest stars like Will Ferrell, Will Arnett, and Jim Carrey, and you’d think that comedy powerhouses like these, when supplied with jokes on one of the best-written sitcoms of the 2000s, would provide an avalanche of humor. Homes destroyed and families torn apart from the sheer magnitude of the fucking comedy. But no, they just kind of shuffled through the show as the camera jammed itself into their pores, as if to scream “ISN’T IT COOL THAT WE GOT WILL GODDAMN ARNETT TO BE ON THE OFFICE? ROUND OF APPLAUSE FOR WILL ARNETT FOR LOWERING HIMSELF ENOUGH TO BE HERE.”

4

The Biggest Name Is Usually The Killer

Dramatic shows that have any number of “good guys” require guest stars to keep going. Unless the creators of Law & Order want every plot to be “Ice T was the killer all along, but we forgave him, because aww, just look at him,” they need new talent to fill out the ranks of serial killers, pedophiles, and bartenders who just might have seen someone who looks like that. But this necessity has created a painfully obvious trend: Whenever a big name shows up in a series, they’re going to be doing big-name stuff. And apparently, big-name stuff always involves ruining the surprise.

I’ve talked about Dexter in a few columns because, really, I’m still coming to terms with it. You devote eight years of your life to a show, and then it ends with the plot equivalent of a drunk pissing on your head from a third-story balcony. So you begin to think really hard about whether it was ever that good. And I’ve come to this conclusion: Yeah, it had some really great parts, but man, it had the worst “I wonder what THIS guest star will do?” poker face in the industry.

The first two seasons of Dexter tell a perfectly contained story. And then in Season 3, Jimmy Smits swaggers in with a kind of “I’d like to get a beer with that guy” charisma that only Jimmy Smits really has. But then Jimmy Smits turns into EVIL Jimmy Smits, and Dexter has to kill him. Then John Lithgow shows up in Season 4, and while he’s great, the pattern is being established. By the time Colin Hanks burst into Season 6 with a plotline so terrible that it served as a Dexter Is Not Going To Get Good Again trumpet of the cancellation apocalypse, the standard had been set: If a new dude shows up on Dexter, that dude is almost 100 percent going to end up as Dexter’s table dressing.

Obviously, if an established actor shows up on a prestige TV drama, they’re going to be given a role with some meat to it. When William Hurt or whoever inevitably shows up on the fifth season of Westworld, they’re not going to be given the role of Blowjob Robot Bartender #4. They’re going to get Maniacal Douche Who Was Super Integral To The Creation Of Westworld Who We Never Really Discussed Before. And them basically spelling out what’s going to happen in the rest of the season or episode doesn’t stop them from giving a knockout performance. It just momentarily stops us from getting lost in the show.

It’s also admitting that we’ve kind of pigeonholed what we think makes for good, guest-star-worthy roles. Someone with any kind of positive qualities? Pssssh. Demented Man Child That Makes Tiny Doll Furniture Out Of His Victim’s Toenails? You can basically smell the Emmys on that one.

3

Being Waaaaay Too Self-Aware

Having a sense of self-awareness can be helpful. It’s what prevents you from deciding that your show about six friends who live in New York City is a fresh idea, and it gives you a moment of hesitation when you think “A guy named Harry meets a girl named Sally. HOW HAS NO ONE COME UP WITH THAT?!?”

Even adding a little self-awareness to your story isn’t so bad if you do it in nice doses. The reason The Cabin In The Woods works so well is that it comments on horror film tropes, but doesn’t rely on that to be effective. Compare that to something like Scream 4, where hoping that you get the reference is all that that movie has going for it. The first two Scream films are neat little venture into the nature of horror movies and their sequels, but by the time Scream 4 rolled around, the series had looped back through its own butthole and out of its mouth again in order to prove that it was still relevant. And it wouldn’t have had to do that if it had done the basic job of a movie, instead of relying on blistering self-awareness.

Community at its best was a show with so, so much heart. The love that the writers had for the characters bleeds through, and it’s a passion project carefully disguised as a typical prime-time sitcom. And in its early seasons, the series pulled off self-awareness pretty effortlessly. And maybe it’s due to the fact that Community began to lose core cast members starting in the fifth season, and the last half of the show was plagued with a shuffling creative team, but the self-awareness which had initially set it apart from regular shows became a crutch. The emotional stakes were lost, and in their place were constant comments about the nature of TV, which is like hearing your cheeseburger explain its own ingredients while you try to eat it.

Even vague self-awareness can be jarring if it comes out of nowhere. Kingsman: The Secret Service is a fantastic movie when it’s not talking about the spy movies that it’s borderline-parodying. If that scene in which Colin Firth was taking out the church full of bigots was still going to this day, I’d be okay with it. And don’t act like there isn’t a version of “Freebird” that is three years long. I know there is.

But slapped in the middle of the movie is a conversation between Firth and Samuel L. Jackson about the nature of spy flicks, as if they’re assuming that the audiences that have not yet seen the movie are already a little “out of the know” about what it’s trying to do. Come on, movie. Give us some credit.

2

Music That Defies The Laws Of The Universe

Movie soundtracks can do two very different things. They can heighten an experience, pulling you into the film in the way that a music-less scene could never do. They get your blood pumping without you even knowing, and pretty soon you’re first-pumping by yourself in the theater and screaming that you’ll be forever young at the top of your lungs. Hey, you’re doing it too, not necessarily just me. But a soundtrack can also drop you on your head, revealing that the movie that you’re watching is just a big marketing ploy by people who have figured that since you like Iron Man AND Ed Sheeran, putting both in the same movie at the same time will result in a dump truck full of dollar bills and hookers showing up to their houses.

How does it drop you from your cradle? Well, for one, it can bend the laws of time and space, forcing you to question why anyone would make a movie this way. Take the movie Hitch, for example, wherein Will Smith teaches dudes to talk to women, and teaches YOU to be more careful about picking out which Will Smith movies you go see. He teaches Kevin James how to dance in one scene, but starts his lesson by shutting off the music that’s playing at a party in the future? Future humans were dancing to that song, Will. Don’t cut a hole in the continuum of time when a motherfucker is trying to get down.

Will then puts on the song “Yeah!”, which you might remember from it being more popular than oxygen in the mid 2000s. And then Kevin James dances to “Yeah!” both at Will’s house and at this future party. My problem doesn’t lie with the song “Yeah!” showing up at two different places at two different times, because, again, I’ve heard “Yeah!” more than I’ve heard the Pledge of Allegiance, the National Anthem, and “I love you” combined. It’s just that this scene is edited in a way that makes you realize A) Hitch is a wizard, and B) this movie is a shallow attempt at getting us to like the song “Yeah!” more.

And sometimes a movie will feature a song that’s performed by an actor in that movie. Like how Texas Chainsaw 3D plays the song “2 Reasons,” and one of the characters listening to it and enjoying it is Trey Songz, the guy who sang “2 Reasons.” That’s not a slight wink and a nudge, filmmakers. That’s a big invisible hand coming out of the screen to jar you out of whatever good things you might be feeling and reminding you to go download “2 Reasons,” because the actor who fucking made “2 Reasons” in real life seems to really be enjoying “2 Reasons” in this completely fake life. If you want to give the audience a cue to simultaneously begin ignoring the movie and start playing around on their phones for a little bit, this one is as good as any.

1

“Event” Episodes Where No One Is Happy To Be There

Earlier, I mentioned guest actors, and spoke pretty harshly of them. My apologies, guest actors. To make it up to you, the rest of this column will be written by John Stamos, and he will be playing the role of me. I make these amends because guest actors aren’t the worst things to take you out of TV shows. That honor goes to “event” episodes in which non-actors are given roles, and we’re supposed to be cool with it. “Suck it up,” your television says, “If it wasn’t for me, you’d be playing charades with people you pretend to like.”

The “events” I’m referring to are usually one of two things: musicians coming into town or pro wrestling events. And they’re so awkwardly crammed into the plots that you can’t help but feel your joy be driven from your body like a screeching ghost while you watch. Nothing says “No one wants to be here, especially the people on your screen” like a sitcom episode that features a rock star or a professional wrestler. For example, watch this clip of the time the band Anthrax showed up on Married With Children. But only do it if you want to see a dozen people lose their enthusiasm for the arts allllll at once.

If you watched that and found your sense of happiness to still be alive and breathing, watch Stevie Wonder’s appearance on The Cosby Show, the kind of thing that only happens when the Devil is handling God’s day shift. And if you still have any delusions about the positive power of fiction, dash them by staring into the abyss of any pro wrestler cameo on any sitcom ever — cameos that are usually announced by characters who are suddenly into wrasslin’. This, as a wrasslin’ fan, is absurd from the ground up. You don’t just suddenly declare that there’s a wrestling show near you and that you’re into wrestling. You are into wrestling, and your family and friends spend their whole lives wishing that you’d shut the fuck up about it.

These episodes usually involve either a member of the cast and their stunt doubles clumsily recreating what a sitcom director thinks wrestling is like (like in Fuller House or The X-Files), or finding a way to work the fact that most wrestlers are seven feet wide into the plot (like in Boy Meets World or Smallville). Admittedly, the wrestlers usually seem like they’re having a better time on the shows than musicians do. But nothing clips the wings of your flight into TV wonderland faster than the harsh introduction of pro wrestling logic into an otherwise normal show. “These five friends are on a mission to find success and love in the big city, and over the years, you will fall in love with their wit and their willingness to find pleasure in the small things in life. Oh, and meet their new landlord, Big Van Vader, who is roughly the size of a Woolly Mammoth.”

Daniel is listening to “Yeah!”, as it’s the only thing that drowns out the loneliness. He is a brittle husk of a man on Twitter.

It sucks that your friends are always ruining movies for you, but you won’t need friends anymore after you get the Amazon Fire stick with Alexa voice remote.

If you loved this article and want more content like this, support our site with a visit to our Contribution Page. Please and thank you.

from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/5-common-things-hollywood-does-that-instantly-kills-a-story/

[bazilton]

unfinished x/anl/ow au fic

Inigo is late.

Inigo is late because he’s stupid and forgot that he lives with the piece of shit known as the New York City Subway, and he didn’t realize the C train was diverted until he’d somehow managed to end up in the Upper East Side of all places, which is how he found himself on the A train instead, heading back down to Times Square while frantically texting his cast mates to please don’t let a swing go on in my place, please, I’m almost there, I swear.

His only consolation, at least, is that there’s some eye candy to tide him through the arduous journey. There’s a man sitting across him on the train, tall and blonde and broad-shouldered. Probably some Wall Street type, judging by the expensive-looking suit and even more expensive-looking watch and the fact that he’s dressed for work even though it’s a bright and early Sunday afternoon. But it’s okay, because he has a chiseled jaw and pretty hair and nice eyes, and Inigo lets himself stare openly, because he’s having a shitty day and he deserves this much at the very least, god dammit.

Except without warning Hot-Guy-In-Suit suddenly looks up, and Inigo doesn’t look away in time, and so there’s an awkward moment of sustained eye contact before Inigo finally regains enough presence of mind to drop his gaze. God, that’s embarrassing. He hopes he isn’t blushing. He keeps his eyes fixed to the floor for the rest of the train ride, refuses to look up even when he can see in his peripheral vision that Hot-Guy-In-Suit is looking back at him curiously.

And so when the train finally pulls into 42nd street Inigo doesn’t even hesitate before he grabs his bag and runs, out the train and up the stairs without even a single backward glance. After all, he has a show to catch.

He makes it in time, just barely, signs his name on the cast sheet with one hand holding onto the pen and his other hand braced against the wall while he tries to catch his breath. He receives his fair share of amused looks as he makes his way to his dressing room, and when he opens the door all he can think about is wiping the sweat off his face and getting into costume. Which is why when Owain unexpectedly claps him on the back he nearly jumps right out of his own skin.

“Owain!” Inigo yells. “What the fuck?”

“That should be my line,” Owain replies, slinging his arm over Inigo’s shoulder. “What’s the matter with you? Are you a Broadway star or not?”

“I’m not,” Inigo responds flatly, disentangling himself before dropping his bag soundly on his dressing room table. Owain follows closely behind as he shucks off his jacket and moves over to the costume rack to get dressed.

“Still,” Owain persists. “I can’t believe you actually made it. I thought our production manager was going to burst a blood vessel when she found out you were running late.”

“Yeah, well,” Inigo says absently as he grabs his costume from the rack. “Wouldn’t want to get the swings’s hopes up.” He starts pulling his shirt over his head, any semblance of dignity be damned, because when you’ve been dancing since the age of five, you kind of become desensitized to the idea of seeing your fellow cast mates naked in dressing rooms.

“You live life on the edge, my friend,” Owain says, sighing dramatically. Inigo isn’t looking at him, but he images Owain’s probably clutching his head for dramatic effect. “Fine, fine, I’ll let you change. You’d better hurry up, it’s places soon.”

“Thanks,” Inigo mutters, “I totally needed that reminder.”

Owain snorts before leaving the dressing room, probably to find someone else to bother, shutting the door behind him as he goes. Inigo’s left alone to try and shove himself into a stupid suit and squeeze his feet into a pair of tap shoes as quickly as possible. When he’s done, he looks up and finds himself staring at his reflection in the mirror. He’s still flushed from sprinting to the theater from the train station, and his hair is a mess, and he hasn’t put on any of his stage makeup yet so he looks like an absolute train wreck—but then he reminds himself, I’m on Broadway. I’m in a Broadway show. That’s all I’ve ever wanted since the age of eleven, and here I am now.

And then he straightens up, dusts his shirt off, and smiles.

-

Inigo has been in three Broadway shows, and counting.

He knows he’s lucky—it’s nothing short of a miracle that he’d managed to land a role on Broadway right after graduation. It’s even more of a miracle that he managed to get cast again in another show. And then another one. Sometimes Inigo finds himself struck anew by the magic of it all. He’ll be in the middle of a quick change, or standing in the wings waiting for his entrance, or scrubbing his makeup off at the end of a grueling two-show day, and it’ll hit him all over again just how fucking lucky he is.

And sure, he’s no star. He’s no leading man. But it’s okay. He gets to dance on Broadway eight times a week. And sure, it’d be nice to be a star. But he’s not. He’s a dancer.

And he gets to dance. And that’s more than enough for him.

-

The only thing Inigo loves more than dancing is meeting fans at stage door after a show. No matter how tired he gets he always makes sure to put on his best face afterwards, maneuver his way through selfies with teenage girls and smile while signing Playbills. There are always different types of fans: the seasoned veterans who come bearing vintage merchandise from the original 1954 production, the badly-dressed tourists who look far too excited about everything, the starry-eyed, slack-jawed theatre kids with big dreams and even bigger potential.

Even if the fans aren’t necessarily there for Inigo specifically, even if they don’t know his name, Inigo still loves being able to talk to them, look at their faces, listen to them enthuse about the show. It’s humanizing, in a way—being able to interact directly with audience members. It’s a reminder as to why exactly Inigo does this: the electricity of living in the moment, of knowing that there really is nothing more special than a night at the theatre. And. Well. Inigo also really likes flirting with people at the stage door. It’s fun. He doesn’t care if it’s earned him a bit of a reputation in the Broadway community. It’s harmless, and all the better to make himself memorable, he thinks.

Sometimes, though, there are really awkward stage door encounters.

Stage door starts off perfectly normal that day. Despite almost being late Inigo hadn’t faltered at all throughout the entire show, so he thinks he’s allowed to feel a little bit proud of himself for that. That’s probably why he’s in a particularly good mood as he makes his way down the line, smiles for photos, signs Playbills, says thank you for coming at least fifty different times.

And then he reaches the end of the line, and Hot-Guy-In-Suit is standing right there.

“Oh,” he says.

“Oh,” Hot-Guy-In-Suit says.

“Are the two of you acquainted?” a woman standing next to Hot-Guy-In-Suit asks, looking amused. “I didn’t know you knew anyone in this show, Xander.”

Hot-Guy-In-Suit (Xander? That’s probably his name, right?) turns to her, frowning. “We, ah. Met briefly,” he says.

The woman smiles like she’s just heard a joke no one else understands. Xander’s frown deepens. She turns to Inigo, presses her Playbill into his hands.

“It was a wonderful show,” she says earnestly. “My brother here and I really enjoyed it.”

“Your brother?” Inigo asks, smiling back. He uncaps his sharpie, signs his name on the corner of her Playbill. “And for a moment I wondered if you were already spoken for,” he adds, because he can’t help it.

“Oh, no,” she says, throwing her hair behind her and laughing. “And neither is my brother, just in case you were wondering.”

“Camilla,” Xander hisses under his breath. The tips of his ears are faintly red. It is actually ridiculously endearing. Inigo turns to him, smiles, extends his hand.

“Would you like me to sign your Playbill too?” he asks.

The glare Xander’s been throwing at his sister softens as he turns to look at Inigo. There’s a beat of silence where the both of them just look at each other; then Xander hands his Playbill to Inigo, and Inigo drops his gaze, dutifully signs it. He pauses, considering, and then adds the words for Xander right underneath his autograph for good measure.

“Thank you for coming to the show,” he says, handing the Playbill back to Xander. “I really appreciate it.”

Xander’s eyes widen as he looks at Inigo’s inscription. He looks up again, meets Inigo’s gaze.

“Thank you,” he says. “It really was an incredible show.”

And Inigo gets compliments like that all the time, but somehow he finds himself faintly embarrassed. He hopes he’s not blushing.

“Thank you,” Inigo manages to get out, smiling at Xander and Camilla. “It was nice meeting the both of you,” he says, waving awkwardly, and then excuses himself.

It’s only when he’s halfway through the long train ride home that he says, out loud, “Why the fuck did I do that?”

The girl sitting next to him gives him a weird look. Inigo ignores her.

This is all the New York City Subway’s fault. Fuck hot guys in suits, but most of all, fuck the New York City Subway.

-

Inigo resolves to forget about the whole thing. After all, he’ll probably never see Xander or Camilla ever again unless they come to see the show a second time, which probably isn’t going to happen anyway, so it’s fine. He’ll just never speak or think about it ever again, and it’ll be fine.

Which is why the first thing he does is to tell Severa all about it.

“He was so hot,” Inigo moans, lying down on the floor of the dance studio they’ve rented out for the day. Severa towers over him, looking down at him with her hands on her hips and a look of unmistakable disdain fixed on her face.

“I literally do not care,” Severa says. “At all.”

Inigo sighs. “Why am I even friends with you?”

“I ask myself that question every single day.”

Actually, the real answer to that question is that Inigo, Severa and Owain had all been in the same dance program in college, and they’d been the only tolerable people in a sea of pretentious assholes. They’d stuck together purely out of necessity at first, and then somehow managed to become actual, proper friends, and now here they are today.

Both Owain and Inigo ventured into musical theatre right after graduation. Severa was the only one who ended up applying to dance companies. She’s been with the same one for three years now, some avant-garde up-and-coming modern dance company. It’s small and fairly new, but that has its perks too, because Severa’s been able to choreograph a few pieces of her own and land herself some really impressive solos in the short span of a few years. Honestly, she’s probably the most successful of the three of them. Inigo’s really proud of her, although he’d rather die than admit it out loud.

Which is how they’ve ended up here today, bumming around in a rented studio space in the middle of SoHo on a Monday afternoon.  She’d dragged him over to help her out with a new dance she’s choreographing, and Inigo agreed because he’s a good friend, but. Well. There are more pressing matters on his mind right now.

“You don’t understand, Severa,” he groans. “He was… he’s so…”

“And so your instinctive response was to flirt with his sister?”

“Look, I never said I make good decisions when it comes to matters of romance—”

“Good, because if you ever said that, it would be an outrageous fucking lie.”

“Okay, now that’s a little bit harsh—”

“Do I need to bring up your latest ex again?”

“Listen, Peri wasn’t that bad—”

“She had hair like a Harley Quinn cosplay attempt gone wrong and ran a blog on Tumblr where she photoshopped flower crowns onto serial killers.”

Inigo opens his mouth, and then shuts it again.

“Point,” he says at last. Severa just rolls her eyes at him.

“Inigo,” she says, using her patented I’m-trying-to-be-patient-here-but-you’re-a-complete-fucking-idiot voice. “You made a fool out of yourself in front of one hot guy that you’re never going to see again. Big deal. Just move on. They invented Tinder for a reason.”

“I just want to add that I met Peri through Tinder.”

Severa kicks the back of Inigo’s head. He whines, sitting up and rubbing at the bruised spot while putting on the most betrayed look he can muster.

“Look,” she says. “I didn’t call you here so you could complain to me about how single you are, okay? Are we going to dance or not?”

Inigo thinks he could probably argue, but then decides it’s not worth it. He gets up, dusting off his clothes and turning to Severa with a grin.

“After you,” he says. Severa shoots him a glare, but slowly, it softens into a smile.

“Alright,” she begins, already turning towards the mirrors. “So I was thinking…”

-

Inigo walks out of that dance session with Severa feeling a lot better than before. In the following week he recklessly swipes right on Tinder, does a full eight shows with only very minor hiccups, signs a bunch of Playbills, and goes on a date that doesn’t end with his dismembered body being flung into the Hudson River. All in all, it’s a pretty good week.

So on Tuesday afternoon he finds himself running to the nearby Starbucks after a matinee show, ready to grab a cup of coffee. He has a couple of errands to run before heading back for the evening show, and he’s preoccupied with thinking about how long it’ll take for him to get back to his apartment and whether or not he’ll have to time to drop by SoHo and say hello to Severa for a bit. Which is probably why he doesn’t notice he’s about to walk into someone until he quite literally runs into them headfirst.

“Shit,” he says. “I’m so sorry—”

And then he looks up and sees Xander staring right back down at him.

Severa’s voice echoes in his head. You’re never going to see him again, she said.

Clearly, Severa is a complete fucking liar.

What are the odds? he thinks. This is quite literally the worst day of his entire life.

“Are you okay?” Xander says, breaking the silence.

“What? Oh.” Inigo realizes he’s still standing way too close. He takes a step back, blinks rapidly until he feels like he’s at least somewhat capable of rational thought again. “Yeah, I’m okay. I’m fine! Are you okay? I’m sorry, I should’ve looked where I was going—”

“You don’t have to apologize,” Xander says.

More silence.

Shit.

“So what are you doing in the area?” Inigo asks, and then winces. Smooth, Inigo, he thinks. Real smooth.

“I had a meeting nearby,” Xander replies, and well. He’s still standing there, holding a cup in one hand and a suitcase in the other. And he’s not running away in the opposite direction, which is. A good sign, right?

“Sounds riveting,” Inigo says, and Xander smiles. Inigo’s heart does not flutter at the sight of it. It does not.

“As riveting as a business meeting can possibly be, I suppose,” Xander says.

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5 Common Things Hollywood Does That Instantly Kills A Story

Usually, the factors that pull you out of your focus on a movie or TV show are external. Someone forgets to silence their cellphone, or your mom asks you a question about the plot, or your date from OKCupid decides that a matinee showing of Dunkirk is the perfect time to start getting handsy. That kind of thing. But sometimes it isn’t the fault of the unforgiving world around you. Sometimes movies and shows do the job themselves and awkwardly tear you from your haze, placing you in the uncomfortable territory of “Oh damn. I am watching something, and am terrifyingly aware of that.” How do movies stealthily slit the throat of their own escapism? Well, they do things like …

5

Pausing For The Cameo Of A Big Star

Despite the fact that modern TV is full of quality entertainment that would make movies break out in frustrated, jealous tears, it still operates on the archaic system of “Movies are where important things go, and TV is where you watch inconsequential drivel that serves as a placeholder for actual enjoyment.” Don’t believe me? Look at how shows treat guest stars who are mostly known from movies or other mediums. They are in awe of them. The camera lingers on them, telling you that while the regular cast is nice and all, you should now place your undivided attention on the god king who has just entered the room.

I’m always down for a good lingering camera if the context is right. Jeff Goldblum is returning for Jurassic World 2, and I will be deeply disappointed if his introduction shot stays at Beautiful Jeff Goldblum Face Level for anything less than 20 uninterrupted minutes. The same goes for when a character has seemingly died but then comes back triumphantly. When Lex Luthor showed up in the last episode of Smallville to remind viewers that Superman’s future would not lack bald megalomaniacs, the camera seems to be more thrilled about this than anyone. And it probably was, honestly. Being a living, breathing Smallville fan was not, how should I put this, a “fulfilling” experience.

But the pause that might as well double as a “Clap Now” sign reeks of desperation, and rips away any chance to view what you’re watching as smooth, organic fiction. I don’t demand absolute reality from things. There is NO ONE in the world worse than someone who can’t put their malfunction behind them for two fucking seconds and just HAS TO remind you that no, Batman couldn’t do that in real life. Those people are fun traitors. But when the camera stops to gaze at the bigger star who is encroaching on the lives of the peons who normally inhabit the show, it’s not just stopping the flow of the episode dead; it’s reminding you that Hollywood has a definite hierarchy. A being of shining light and multiple movie deals has deemed this cast of characters worth their time, and we should feel blessed on their behalf.

Even worse is that usually, these guest stars are pretty damn talented. When Steve Carell left The Office, the employees spent a few episodes trying to find a replacement for him. This led to a parade of guest stars like Will Ferrell, Will Arnett, and Jim Carrey, and you’d think that comedy powerhouses like these, when supplied with jokes on one of the best-written sitcoms of the 2000s, would provide an avalanche of humor. Homes destroyed and families torn apart from the sheer magnitude of the fucking comedy. But no, they just kind of shuffled through the show as the camera jammed itself into their pores, as if to scream “ISN’T IT COOL THAT WE GOT WILL GODDAMN ARNETT TO BE ON THE OFFICE? ROUND OF APPLAUSE FOR WILL ARNETT FOR LOWERING HIMSELF ENOUGH TO BE HERE.”

4

The Biggest Name Is Usually The Killer

Dramatic shows that have any number of “good guys” require guest stars to keep going. Unless the creators of Law & Order want every plot to be “Ice T was the killer all along, but we forgave him, because aww, just look at him,” they need new talent to fill out the ranks of serial killers, pedophiles, and bartenders who just might have seen someone who looks like that. But this necessity has created a painfully obvious trend: Whenever a big name shows up in a series, they’re going to be doing big-name stuff. And apparently, big-name stuff always involves ruining the surprise.

I’ve talked about Dexter in a few columns because, really, I’m still coming to terms with it. You devote eight years of your life to a show, and then it ends with the plot equivalent of a drunk pissing on your head from a third-story balcony. So you begin to think really hard about whether it was ever that good. And I’ve come to this conclusion: Yeah, it had some really great parts, but man, it had the worst “I wonder what THIS guest star will do?” poker face in the industry.

The first two seasons of Dexter tell a perfectly contained story. And then in Season 3, Jimmy Smits swaggers in with a kind of “I’d like to get a beer with that guy” charisma that only Jimmy Smits really has. But then Jimmy Smits turns into EVIL Jimmy Smits, and Dexter has to kill him. Then John Lithgow shows up in Season 4, and while he’s great, the pattern is being established. By the time Colin Hanks burst into Season 6 with a plotline so terrible that it served as a Dexter Is Not Going To Get Good Again trumpet of the cancellation apocalypse, the standard had been set: If a new dude shows up on Dexter, that dude is almost 100 percent going to end up as Dexter’s table dressing.

Obviously, if an established actor shows up on a prestige TV drama, they’re going to be given a role with some meat to it. When William Hurt or whoever inevitably shows up on the fifth season of Westworld, they’re not going to be given the role of Blowjob Robot Bartender #4. They’re going to get Maniacal Douche Who Was Super Integral To The Creation Of Westworld Who We Never Really Discussed Before. And them basically spelling out what’s going to happen in the rest of the season or episode doesn’t stop them from giving a knockout performance. It just momentarily stops us from getting lost in the show.

It’s also admitting that we’ve kind of pigeonholed what we think makes for good, guest-star-worthy roles. Someone with any kind of positive qualities? Pssssh. Demented Man Child That Makes Tiny Doll Furniture Out Of His Victim’s Toenails? You can basically smell the Emmys on that one.

3

Being Waaaaay Too Self-Aware

Having a sense of self-awareness can be helpful. It’s what prevents you from deciding that your show about six friends who live in New York City is a fresh idea, and it gives you a moment of hesitation when you think “A guy named Harry meets a girl named Sally. HOW HAS NO ONE COME UP WITH THAT?!?”

Even adding a little self-awareness to your story isn’t so bad if you do it in nice doses. The reason The Cabin In The Woods works so well is that it comments on horror film tropes, but doesn’t rely on that to be effective. Compare that to something like Scream 4, where hoping that you get the reference is all that that movie has going for it. The first two Scream films are neat little venture into the nature of horror movies and their sequels, but by the time Scream 4 rolled around, the series had looped back through its own butthole and out of its mouth again in order to prove that it was still relevant. And it wouldn’t have had to do that if it had done the basic job of a movie, instead of relying on blistering self-awareness.

Community at its best was a show with so, so much heart. The love that the writers had for the characters bleeds through, and it’s a passion project carefully disguised as a typical prime-time sitcom. And in its early seasons, the series pulled off self-awareness pretty effortlessly. And maybe it’s due to the fact that Community began to lose core cast members starting in the fifth season, and the last half of the show was plagued with a shuffling creative team, but the self-awareness which had initially set it apart from regular shows became a crutch. The emotional stakes were lost, and in their place were constant comments about the nature of TV, which is like hearing your cheeseburger explain its own ingredients while you try to eat it.

Even vague self-awareness can be jarring if it comes out of nowhere. Kingsman: The Secret Service is a fantastic movie when it’s not talking about the spy movies that it’s borderline-parodying. If that scene in which Colin Firth was taking out the church full of bigots was still going to this day, I’d be okay with it. And don’t act like there isn’t a version of “Freebird” that is three years long. I know there is.

But slapped in the middle of the movie is a conversation between Firth and Samuel L. Jackson about the nature of spy flicks, as if they’re assuming that the audiences that have not yet seen the movie are already a little “out of the know” about what it’s trying to do. Come on, movie. Give us some credit.

2

Music That Defies The Laws Of The Universe

Movie soundtracks can do two very different things. They can heighten an experience, pulling you into the film in the way that a music-less scene could never do. They get your blood pumping without you even knowing, and pretty soon you’re first-pumping by yourself in the theater and screaming that you’ll be forever young at the top of your lungs. Hey, you’re doing it too, not necessarily just me. But a soundtrack can also drop you on your head, revealing that the movie that you’re watching is just a big marketing ploy by people who have figured that since you like Iron Man AND Ed Sheeran, putting both in the same movie at the same time will result in a dump truck full of dollar bills and hookers showing up to their houses.

How does it drop you from your cradle? Well, for one, it can bend the laws of time and space, forcing you to question why anyone would make a movie this way. Take the movie Hitch, for example, wherein Will Smith teaches dudes to talk to women, and teaches YOU to be more careful about picking out which Will Smith movies you go see. He teaches Kevin James how to dance in one scene, but starts his lesson by shutting off the music that’s playing at a party in the future? Future humans were dancing to that song, Will. Don’t cut a hole in the continuum of time when a motherfucker is trying to get down.

Will then puts on the song “Yeah!”, which you might remember from it being more popular than oxygen in the mid 2000s. And then Kevin James dances to “Yeah!” both at Will’s house and at this future party. My problem doesn’t lie with the song “Yeah!” showing up at two different places at two different times, because, again, I’ve heard “Yeah!” more than I’ve heard the Pledge of Allegiance, the National Anthem, and “I love you” combined. It’s just that this scene is edited in a way that makes you realize A) Hitch is a wizard, and B) this movie is a shallow attempt at getting us to like the song “Yeah!” more.

And sometimes a movie will feature a song that’s performed by an actor in that movie. Like how Texas Chainsaw 3D plays the song “2 Reasons,” and one of the characters listening to it and enjoying it is Trey Songz, the guy who sang “2 Reasons.” That’s not a slight wink and a nudge, filmmakers. That’s a big invisible hand coming out of the screen to jar you out of whatever good things you might be feeling and reminding you to go download “2 Reasons,” because the actor who fucking made “2 Reasons” in real life seems to really be enjoying “2 Reasons” in this completely fake life. If you want to give the audience a cue to simultaneously begin ignoring the movie and start playing around on their phones for a little bit, this one is as good as any.

1

“Event” Episodes Where No One Is Happy To Be There

Earlier, I mentioned guest actors, and spoke pretty harshly of them. My apologies, guest actors. To make it up to you, the rest of this column will be written by John Stamos, and he will be playing the role of me. I make these amends because guest actors aren’t the worst things to take you out of TV shows. That honor goes to “event” episodes in which non-actors are given roles, and we’re supposed to be cool with it. “Suck it up,” your television says, “If it wasn’t for me, you’d be playing charades with people you pretend to like.”

The “events” I’m referring to are usually one of two things: musicians coming into town or pro wrestling events. And they’re so awkwardly crammed into the plots that you can’t help but feel your joy be driven from your body like a screeching ghost while you watch. Nothing says “No one wants to be here, especially the people on your screen” like a sitcom episode that features a rock star or a professional wrestler. For example, watch this clip of the time the band Anthrax showed up on Married With Children. But only do it if you want to see a dozen people lose their enthusiasm for the arts allllll at once.

If you watched that and found your sense of happiness to still be alive and breathing, watch Stevie Wonder’s appearance on The Cosby Show, the kind of thing that only happens when the Devil is handling God’s day shift. And if you still have any delusions about the positive power of fiction, dash them by staring into the abyss of any pro wrestler cameo on any sitcom ever — cameos that are usually announced by characters who are suddenly into wrasslin’. This, as a wrasslin’ fan, is absurd from the ground up. You don’t just suddenly declare that there’s a wrestling show near you and that you’re into wrestling. You are into wrestling, and your family and friends spend their whole lives wishing that you’d shut the fuck up about it.

These episodes usually involve either a member of the cast and their stunt doubles clumsily recreating what a sitcom director thinks wrestling is like (like in Fuller House or The X-Files), or finding a way to work the fact that most wrestlers are seven feet wide into the plot (like in Boy Meets World or Smallville). Admittedly, the wrestlers usually seem like they’re having a better time on the shows than musicians do. But nothing clips the wings of your flight into TV wonderland faster than the harsh introduction of pro wrestling logic into an otherwise normal show. “These five friends are on a mission to find success and love in the big city, and over the years, you will fall in love with their wit and their willingness to find pleasure in the small things in life. Oh, and meet their new landlord, Big Van Vader, who is roughly the size of a Woolly Mammoth.”

Daniel is listening to “Yeah!”, as it’s the only thing that drowns out the loneliness. He is a brittle husk of a man on Twitter.

It sucks that your friends are always ruining movies for you, but you won’t need friends anymore after you get the Amazon Fire stick with Alexa voice remote.

If you loved this article and want more content like this, support our site with a visit to our Contribution Page. Please and thank you.

Read more: http://ift.tt/2xHNr52

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5 Common Things Hollywood Does That Instantly Kills A Story

Usually, the factors that pull you out of your focus on a movie or TV show are external. Someone forgets to silence their cellphone, or your mom asks you a question about the plot, or your date from OKCupid decides that a matinee showing of Dunkirk is the perfect time to start getting handsy. That kind of thing. But sometimes it isn’t the fault of the unforgiving world around you. Sometimes movies and shows do the job themselves and awkwardly tear you from your haze, placing you in the uncomfortable territory of “Oh damn. I am watching something, and am terrifyingly aware of that.” How do movies stealthily slit the throat of their own escapism? Well, they do things like …

5

Pausing For The Cameo Of A Big Star

Despite the fact that modern TV is full of quality entertainment that would make movies break out in frustrated, jealous tears, it still operates on the archaic system of “Movies are where important things go, and TV is where you watch inconsequential drivel that serves as a placeholder for actual enjoyment.” Don’t believe me? Look at how shows treat guest stars who are mostly known from movies or other mediums. They are in awe of them. The camera lingers on them, telling you that while the regular cast is nice and all, you should now place your undivided attention on the god king who has just entered the room.

I’m always down for a good lingering camera if the context is right. Jeff Goldblum is returning for Jurassic World 2, and I will be deeply disappointed if his introduction shot stays at Beautiful Jeff Goldblum Face Level for anything less than 20 uninterrupted minutes. The same goes for when a character has seemingly died but then comes back triumphantly. When Lex Luthor showed up in the last episode of Smallville to remind viewers that Superman’s future would not lack bald megalomaniacs, the camera seems to be more thrilled about this than anyone. And it probably was, honestly. Being a living, breathing Smallville fan was not, how should I put this, a “fulfilling” experience.

But the pause that might as well double as a “Clap Now” sign reeks of desperation, and rips away any chance to view what you’re watching as smooth, organic fiction. I don’t demand absolute reality from things. There is NO ONE in the world worse than someone who can’t put their malfunction behind them for two fucking seconds and just HAS TO remind you that no, Batman couldn’t do that in real life. Those people are fun traitors. But when the camera stops to gaze at the bigger star who is encroaching on the lives of the peons who normally inhabit the show, it’s not just stopping the flow of the episode dead; it’s reminding you that Hollywood has a definite hierarchy. A being of shining light and multiple movie deals has deemed this cast of characters worth their time, and we should feel blessed on their behalf.

Even worse is that usually, these guest stars are pretty damn talented. When Steve Carell left The Office, the employees spent a few episodes trying to find a replacement for him. This led to a parade of guest stars like Will Ferrell, Will Arnett, and Jim Carrey, and you’d think that comedy powerhouses like these, when supplied with jokes on one of the best-written sitcoms of the 2000s, would provide an avalanche of humor. Homes destroyed and families torn apart from the sheer magnitude of the fucking comedy. But no, they just kind of shuffled through the show as the camera jammed itself into their pores, as if to scream “ISN’T IT COOL THAT WE GOT WILL GODDAMN ARNETT TO BE ON THE OFFICE? ROUND OF APPLAUSE FOR WILL ARNETT FOR LOWERING HIMSELF ENOUGH TO BE HERE.”

4

The Biggest Name Is Usually The Killer

Dramatic shows that have any number of “good guys” require guest stars to keep going. Unless the creators of Law & Order want every plot to be “Ice T was the killer all along, but we forgave him, because aww, just look at him,” they need new talent to fill out the ranks of serial killers, pedophiles, and bartenders who just might have seen someone who looks like that. But this necessity has created a painfully obvious trend: Whenever a big name shows up in a series, they’re going to be doing big-name stuff. And apparently, big-name stuff always involves ruining the surprise.

I’ve talked about Dexter in a few columns because, really, I’m still coming to terms with it. You devote eight years of your life to a show, and then it ends with the plot equivalent of a drunk pissing on your head from a third-story balcony. So you begin to think really hard about whether it was ever that good. And I’ve come to this conclusion: Yeah, it had some really great parts, but man, it had the worst “I wonder what THIS guest star will do?” poker face in the industry.

The first two seasons of Dexter tell a perfectly contained story. And then in Season 3, Jimmy Smits swaggers in with a kind of “I’d like to get a beer with that guy” charisma that only Jimmy Smits really has. But then Jimmy Smits turns into EVIL Jimmy Smits, and Dexter has to kill him. Then John Lithgow shows up in Season 4, and while he’s great, the pattern is being established. By the time Colin Hanks burst into Season 6 with a plotline so terrible that it served as a Dexter Is Not Going To Get Good Again trumpet of the cancellation apocalypse, the standard had been set: If a new dude shows up on Dexter, that dude is almost 100 percent going to end up as Dexter’s table dressing.

Obviously, if an established actor shows up on a prestige TV drama, they’re going to be given a role with some meat to it. When William Hurt or whoever inevitably shows up on the fifth season of Westworld, they’re not going to be given the role of Blowjob Robot Bartender #4. They’re going to get Maniacal Douche Who Was Super Integral To The Creation Of Westworld Who We Never Really Discussed Before. And them basically spelling out what’s going to happen in the rest of the season or episode doesn’t stop them from giving a knockout performance. It just momentarily stops us from getting lost in the show.

It’s also admitting that we’ve kind of pigeonholed what we think makes for good, guest-star-worthy roles. Someone with any kind of positive qualities? Pssssh. Demented Man Child That Makes Tiny Doll Furniture Out Of His Victim’s Toenails? You can basically smell the Emmys on that one.

3

Being Waaaaay Too Self-Aware

Having a sense of self-awareness can be helpful. It’s what prevents you from deciding that your show about six friends who live in New York City is a fresh idea, and it gives you a moment of hesitation when you think “A guy named Harry meets a girl named Sally. HOW HAS NO ONE COME UP WITH THAT?!?”

Even adding a little self-awareness to your story isn’t so bad if you do it in nice doses. The reason The Cabin In The Woods works so well is that it comments on horror film tropes, but doesn’t rely on that to be effective. Compare that to something like Scream 4, where hoping that you get the reference is all that that movie has going for it. The first two Scream films are neat little venture into the nature of horror movies and their sequels, but by the time Scream 4 rolled around, the series had looped back through its own butthole and out of its mouth again in order to prove that it was still relevant. And it wouldn’t have had to do that if it had done the basic job of a movie, instead of relying on blistering self-awareness.

Community at its best was a show with so, so much heart. The love that the writers had for the characters bleeds through, and it’s a passion project carefully disguised as a typical prime-time sitcom. And in its early seasons, the series pulled off self-awareness pretty effortlessly. And maybe it’s due to the fact that Community began to lose core cast members starting in the fifth season, and the last half of the show was plagued with a shuffling creative team, but the self-awareness which had initially set it apart from regular shows became a crutch. The emotional stakes were lost, and in their place were constant comments about the nature of TV, which is like hearing your cheeseburger explain its own ingredients while you try to eat it.

Even vague self-awareness can be jarring if it comes out of nowhere. Kingsman: The Secret Service is a fantastic movie when it’s not talking about the spy movies that it’s borderline-parodying. If that scene in which Colin Firth was taking out the church full of bigots was still going to this day, I’d be okay with it. And don’t act like there isn’t a version of “Freebird” that is three years long. I know there is.

But slapped in the middle of the movie is a conversation between Firth and Samuel L. Jackson about the nature of spy flicks, as if they’re assuming that the audiences that have not yet seen the movie are already a little “out of the know” about what it’s trying to do. Come on, movie. Give us some credit.

2

Music That Defies The Laws Of The Universe

Movie soundtracks can do two very different things. They can heighten an experience, pulling you into the film in the way that a music-less scene could never do. They get your blood pumping without you even knowing, and pretty soon you’re first-pumping by yourself in the theater and screaming that you’ll be forever young at the top of your lungs. Hey, you’re doing it too, not necessarily just me. But a soundtrack can also drop you on your head, revealing that the movie that you’re watching is just a big marketing ploy by people who have figured that since you like Iron Man AND Ed Sheeran, putting both in the same movie at the same time will result in a dump truck full of dollar bills and hookers showing up to their houses.

How does it drop you from your cradle? Well, for one, it can bend the laws of time and space, forcing you to question why anyone would make a movie this way. Take the movie Hitch, for example, wherein Will Smith teaches dudes to talk to women, and teaches YOU to be more careful about picking out which Will Smith movies you go see. He teaches Kevin James how to dance in one scene, but starts his lesson by shutting off the music that’s playing at a party in the future? Future humans were dancing to that song, Will. Don’t cut a hole in the continuum of time when a motherfucker is trying to get down.

Will then puts on the song “Yeah!”, which you might remember from it being more popular than oxygen in the mid 2000s. And then Kevin James dances to “Yeah!” both at Will’s house and at this future party. My problem doesn’t lie with the song “Yeah!” showing up at two different places at two different times, because, again, I’ve heard “Yeah!” more than I’ve heard the Pledge of Allegiance, the National Anthem, and “I love you” combined. It’s just that this scene is edited in a way that makes you realize A) Hitch is a wizard, and B) this movie is a shallow attempt at getting us to like the song “Yeah!” more.

And sometimes a movie will feature a song that’s performed by an actor in that movie. Like how Texas Chainsaw 3D plays the song “2 Reasons,” and one of the characters listening to it and enjoying it is Trey Songz, the guy who sang “2 Reasons.” That’s not a slight wink and a nudge, filmmakers. That’s a big invisible hand coming out of the screen to jar you out of whatever good things you might be feeling and reminding you to go download “2 Reasons,” because the actor who fucking made “2 Reasons” in real life seems to really be enjoying “2 Reasons” in this completely fake life. If you want to give the audience a cue to simultaneously begin ignoring the movie and start playing around on their phones for a little bit, this one is as good as any.

1

“Event” Episodes Where No One Is Happy To Be There

Earlier, I mentioned guest actors, and spoke pretty harshly of them. My apologies, guest actors. To make it up to you, the rest of this column will be written by John Stamos, and he will be playing the role of me. I make these amends because guest actors aren’t the worst things to take you out of TV shows. That honor goes to “event” episodes in which non-actors are given roles, and we’re supposed to be cool with it. “Suck it up,” your television says, “If it wasn’t for me, you’d be playing charades with people you pretend to like.”

The “events” I’m referring to are usually one of two things: musicians coming into town or pro wrestling events. And they’re so awkwardly crammed into the plots that you can’t help but feel your joy be driven from your body like a screeching ghost while you watch. Nothing says “No one wants to be here, especially the people on your screen” like a sitcom episode that features a rock star or a professional wrestler. For example, watch this clip of the time the band Anthrax showed up on Married With Children. But only do it if you want to see a dozen people lose their enthusiasm for the arts allllll at once.

If you watched that and found your sense of happiness to still be alive and breathing, watch Stevie Wonder’s appearance on The Cosby Show, the kind of thing that only happens when the Devil is handling God’s day shift. And if you still have any delusions about the positive power of fiction, dash them by staring into the abyss of any pro wrestler cameo on any sitcom ever — cameos that are usually announced by characters who are suddenly into wrasslin’. This, as a wrasslin’ fan, is absurd from the ground up. You don’t just suddenly declare that there’s a wrestling show near you and that you’re into wrestling. You are into wrestling, and your family and friends spend their whole lives wishing that you’d shut the fuck up about it.

These episodes usually involve either a member of the cast and their stunt doubles clumsily recreating what a sitcom director thinks wrestling is like (like in Fuller House or The X-Files), or finding a way to work the fact that most wrestlers are seven feet wide into the plot (like in Boy Meets World or Smallville). Admittedly, the wrestlers usually seem like they’re having a better time on the shows than musicians do. But nothing clips the wings of your flight into TV wonderland faster than the harsh introduction of pro wrestling logic into an otherwise normal show. “These five friends are on a mission to find success and love in the big city, and over the years, you will fall in love with their wit and their willingness to find pleasure in the small things in life. Oh, and meet their new landlord, Big Van Vader, who is roughly the size of a Woolly Mammoth.”

Daniel is listening to “Yeah!”, as it’s the only thing that drowns out the loneliness. He is a brittle husk of a man on Twitter.

It sucks that your friends are always ruining movies for you, but you won’t need friends anymore after you get the Amazon Fire stick with Alexa voice remote.

If you loved this article and want more content like this, support our site with a visit to our Contribution Page. Please and thank you.

Read more: http://ift.tt/2xHNr52

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