#AND IT DELETED MY WHOLE FUCKING POST
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This Twitter MLP human redesign drama is a mess, leave me the fuck out of it.
#saw people posting my designs to put down other artists' designs saying that i'm the “correct way” of doing things#don't do that#i don't give a SHIT if people are redesigning these HORSES to be fat or “”“ugly”“” people they're all valid#this whole thing is so dumb just say “i don't like the art style” and move on#“hey op i spent 4 hours of time and effort to redraw your shitty redesign and show you how it's really done” you're fucking weird#you know that right? dedicating that much time to cash in on a hate trend when you could be creating something unique and original with lov#your insistence that human redesigns need to be attractive and symmetrical and anything deviating that is woke psy-op brainwashing#is fucking weird. saw an entire tweet reposting my designs listing off how i “got it right.” bullet point: “looks like real people”#the black fat pinkie design with braces that went viral looks more like a real person than any of my designs you asshole#or maybe you spent too much time in high school bullying people who look like that to notice#personal#delete later#do not use my art to belittle artists who've done nothing wrong this legit made me really angry today
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ayyyy ok here's some extra Laughingstock Sillies from the past week or so. it aint much but its honest work
(human!Barnaby's design is partycoffin's - from their pokemon au! he's beautiful....)
#ALSO THAT ONE LINE FROM THE BARNABY-JULIE AUDIO HAS ME IN A CHOKEHOLD#'howdys a pretty funny fella too' AAAAAGH BITING RIPPING TEARING#im so normal about laughingstock. obviously#for the first listen of all the audios i turned That Side of my brain off#but the re-listens?? ohhhh babey i was devouring those nonexistent crumbs#the air tastes so good.....#scribble salad#laughingstock#okay well i had a whole tag ramble but tumblr Fucking Deleted it all#so! thats gone forever! im gonna go clean to work off the resulting aggression#damn they were Good tags too... smfh....#anyway anyway thats probably the only human au scribble ill post#cause its the only one thats come out Decently and the only one im Confident Enough In To Share#so yeah! unless i miraculously scribble another Decent one uh... its improbable yall will get anymore human!wh....#i think im gonna experiment with how i draw people#cause at present i am Not satisfied!
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this show would be good if literally everything about it was different
#read these tags please(unless ur an HH fan in which case please ignore them) >>> I DO NOT LIKE THIS SHOW#i hate viv///ziepop so fucking much its actually unreal. every time i think about her i seethe#been hatewatching it ('legally') nd its awful. like i mean i knew it would be going into it but goddamn. so much worse than i expected#you may be like 'whyd you draw this then'. i wanted to make a finished piece with my redesigns#for funsies me and my boyf have been rewriting/redesigning the whole show . thats been our fun little craft#i feel similar about this that i do about fnaf and miraculous ladybug even tho this is objectively worse in every way#theres this eternal feeling of like. man. if the writers were competent then this concept would be interesting#but theyre not so. here we are#anyway. im gona try not to put hate in the tags lol#but i like how this turned out too much NOT to post it#anyways mutuals please dont unfollow me for this i promise im normal JDSFHJKDFHJDFKHJK#Hazbin Hotel Redesigns#Hazbin Hotel Critical#Angel Dust#Husk#Huskerdust#I guess.#genuinely a little scared to post this ones. im scared ill lose mutuals over this AND/OR fans will harass me for those tags JHKSDFHJKJK#im posting it and then immediately going to sleep. might delete later if even 1 thing goes wrong#EDIT RL QUICK i wanna add: i dont care if you like the show <33 good for you!!! i respect it!! i liked it when i was 14. i just dont now. <#cloudysarts
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In defense of late-canon x files (including the revivals)
I was thinking about this poll after I commented on it, and I kinda want to be brave and say more.
Short answer to the poll's question before I go any further: If you're a new fan and a sensitive sort who thinks you'll struggle with your blorbos Really Going Through It and you really need a happy ending, I suggest you stop at the end of season 8. Do not pass go, do not look at spoilers. Disregard this post entirely, close the internet, and go look at something that makes you happy. (Also fuck every part of society that characterizes sensitivity as inherently weak and bad and some kind of personal failing, you are valid.)
That said, "quality" as a concept is entirely subjective, and the question of whether or not there's a decline in quality for any story is wholly subjective, too. In the case of x files? I'm not convinced there is a decline. I am going to be upfront that I haven't yet watched past season 8, though I am almost completely spoiled on events after that - and the reason I haven't watched yet is not because of how I know events are going to unfold, but simply because I don't want it to end!!! Ohh, the tension between "I CAN'T WAIT!!!" and "Nooo don't be over D:"
When I first came to txf fandom on tumblr and gradually became spoiled about what happens in late canon though, I was often left uncomfortable and tbh kinda queasy about it. As I said in my comment on the poll, the hate for especially the revival and IWTB, or to a lesser extent even seasons 8 & 9, is very well documented. But! There are other takes to be found here on tumblr if you figure out where to look, and my feelings have changed!
The thing is, I have yet to find myself in any fandom where there isn't a vocal subset of fans who dislike the story after a certain point. I am not joking when I say that no one hates the things they love as passionately as sci-fi and fantasy fans. In my experience, it often hinges on the extent to which a viewer has strong notions on where they would like the characters to end up. In particular with series where shipping is a dominant component for the bulk of a fandom, I have almost universally found that there comes some turning point in the story where "let them be happy you cowards" is the dominant view, and things that compromise the attainment of a degree of romantic stability and/or domesticity are, to many fans, annoying at best and despicable at worst. But! As one tagset on the linked poll said:
and I think for any fandom, that last tag especially is so so so important. (I think that's harder for people watching a weekly series live, bc you have so much time to analyze and speculate and dream before the next breadcrumb drops, but I digress.)
So why am I saying this and how do I apply it to x files? Well, I eventually found that there are also a subset of fans who find redeeming things right up to the very end and actually quite like the whole thing! The things that I had seen people rage and ventpost so much about honestly never quite sounded to me as "out of character" or "untrue to the story" etc as those same ventposts made them sound. And I've discovered I'm not the only one who felt that way. Do I love that the spooky squad had to go through all of those things? No, those poor guys D: Life is hard and they have been through so much trauma. But do those events and their choices make sense to me in light of everything that came before? Yes! And I honestly can't wait to see them fight to overcome those things, breaking, healing, always learning, always growing, always getting better.
So if you're wondering "where does it go wrong"... well, I'm a completionist, as many people who've answered that post are, but also my personal opinion is that I don't think it does go wrong. If you're new and interested in exploring why I've gone from "vaguely queasy" to "excited" about the whole thing, or want to maybe balance out the impressions you're getting about the later seasons before deciding whether or not you want to see the whole thing, I'll put a few blog names in the comments.
Final admission: even once I started feeling a little more confident in the possibility that "actually ok maybe I'm not crazy, maybe this all kind of is in character and does make sense", there was one big plot point that I was NOT looking forward to and I thought I would never be comfortable about. In hindsight, I think my discomfort came from the negative responses being SO seemingly universal that I hadn't stopped to let myself truly consider other possible interpretations on that point. (I mean my initial instinct when I first read about it was, why are we mad about this?? CSM is literally the most unreliable narrator in history???? it's obviously fake news?????? this must be either a fever dream someone's having or it's a misdirection ploy against whatever shadowy forces might still be lurking?????????????? but for whatever reason I guess I had halfway written that off.) Happily, just last month there's a new post-s11 novel out, and although reviews for the book as a whole are mixed, it seems to have laid the groundwork for resolving that plot issue in a way I think most fans would be broadly happy with. If you're interested in being spoiled about that and seeing how, I recommend searching #perihelion on @agent-troi who liveblogged reading it with receipts, scroll back chronological-style to the first post on the subject and see how it unfolded. (And never forget that Dana Katherine Scully is the queen of denial as a coping mechanism lol)
Everyone's mileage will vary. Each person can feel however they want! But for anyone new, I wanted you to know that the very many ventposts you might be seeing are not all there is to this show or its fandom. Some of us love it despite - or even because of - all the things that went "wrong". I think we just don't talk about it as much.
#i don't talk about it much because tbh it can get *fraught*. and i've had that in other fandoms too.#i added and deleted so many qualifiers from this post over it lmao#people are passionate about fandom which is great! as a concept#but it sucks feeling like most people hate the thing you love or that - however diplomatically it's phrased - you should hate it too#or that folks think maybe you *would* be mad if you just looked at it a certain (sometimes seemingly cast as the 'correct') way#basically it's insane that half the time when i see people standing up and praising the revival i'm like 'damn bruh. you brave'#and feeling that way is partly a me thing. but i've seen posts that also lead me to believe it's not JUST a me thing yaknow?#i always wonder whether the 'vocal subset' in any given fandom who hate a thing are really the majority that they appear to be#or if they just appear to be the majority because they've needed to be vocal about it as a sort of internet support group thing lol#which fair enough i mean anyone's entitled to be disappointed or have feelings#for me? i don't think i can remember ever being mad about a series i liked#i'm just here for the vibes man i very rarely have fixed notions#i say to the writers: go ahead and surprise me. i'll make sense of pretty much anything they throw at me#i also think about a dd quote i saw ages ago that as an actor you (paraphrased): can't say 'the character would not do that'#...because if it's in the script then by definition they *did* do that. it's right there on the page.#and that's kind of me as a fan too.#p.s. i fucking love season 8 i love angst and holy shit it delivers. the new characters are fantastic the journey is *chef's kiss* and#yes i consider certain temperamental even assholeish behavior to also be *chef's kiss* there's so much trauma so much reason for it#it's be-yoo-ti-ful 💕 season 8 my beloved 😍#anyway watch it all watch none do what you want. just know that there are people who would cuddle the whole damn thing from start to finish#like a floppy wet lil raggedy ann doll if only they COULD#x files#the x files#txf revival#txf thoughts#i love you floppy wet raggedy ann doll
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B4 I actually watched stories and was just reading the events on the god forsaken fandom wiki I was pronouncing emu/nene as eemu/neenee in my head… I could say “I don’t know Japanese” as a reason but English also favors the [e] pronunciation of “e” vs [i] (i.e bed vs see) in situations like this. My excuse for emu is the bird but idk what happened with nene. I think im just stupid. Muscle memory phonics failed me. Child left behind. Girl you know how words like emulsify and never/vender are pronounced.
#I was also dropping the e in kanade/kohane but I can blame French for that.#I had a whole phonics thing in the tags and then tumblr deleted the post and I’m not rewriting it so instead you’re getting the scarier fact#that teachers are no longer teaching a phonetics based approach to learning to read#and instead emphasizing the uhhh. ‘use context clues to figure out what the sentence says’ approach.#& now kids Can’t Fuckin Read. ‘why is a large population of America semi illiterate’#ask George Bush. no kid left behind is actually leaving kids behind.#oh right the reason I made this post is because I kept calling emu weemu in my head & nene neeners so now I have to fight with my brain#about pronunciation. get rid of the nicknames u are fucking up.#mine
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umm so fun thing- an anon was mean again, but this one affected me more than normal for some reason, sooo I shall post less ✨personality✨ here bc pain, soooo pls follow @the-curators-bullshit for hhof personality. thank you and goodnight lol
#you can only get so many ‘just shut up and post legendary posts’ before it fucks with you oops#anyways I have that other blog#like that was the whole point of creating that blog anyway#but it doesn’t get enough regular interaction to be as fun#except people were like really nice on there today and aaaahhh#anyways yeah#ignore this lol#i’ll recover in like a week and probably go back to normal but still#but umm yeah I need to re-fill my hall of fame post queue anyway so maybe i’ll do that#it’ll be fine#also if people wanna send really random asks or scream into the void asks#I would like reallyyyyy like that bc that ask is at the top of my inbox and I don’t like looking at it but can’t delete it oops#so like I would love to bury it in scream asks lol#hellsite hall of fame curator’s bullshit#hellsite hall of fame curators bullshit
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clenches fist. finally sucked it up and ordered a new ipad...
#i splurged a tiny bit and got one with... one whole fucking tb of storage#my current one has 64gb#it is due for an update and i literally cannot fucking update it lmao i dont have the space#im running out of things i can delete. i literally have procreate and thats IT i have long ago deleted all other apps for the space#i mean i am still getting. like. a refurbed ipad thats like gen 3 or whatever its certainly not NEW#what am i the queen?#but considering i currently have a gen 1 i could literally get anything and it'd be a hell of an upgrade#i have enough money saved up from comms/patreon/kofi/etc on my paypal that i could literally purchase this w/o touching my bank acct#so like! if you have at any point over the past like six months donated subscribed or commissioned me!!! THANK YOU!!!!!#you have allowed me to afford a new ipad and continue making things ; w ;#and hopefully finally get to try out procreate dreams which i havent been able to touch yet fhrfrhf32fe#I REALLY WANNA TRY TO MAKE AN ANIMATIC FOR YALL.....#i thought abt asking for one for xmas but i dont want to wait and it would be a V expensive gift to ask for and also like#id rather just pick one out myself... than rely on my family picking out smth... so... you know. timing is what it is whatever#XMAS GIFT TO MYSELF#personal#txt posts
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i WILL develop a softer style and simultaneously keep my Sharp Edges and you cannot fucking stop me
#so fucking upset to find out DX was my 100th post#im so tempted to just fucking delete it#somewhat related note i accidentally used the same dark blue for the whole drawing that i used for DX#oopsies#but yea i didn't have a plan for this art it was just Fuck Around and Find Out#im getting slightly better at hands#also stared at the episodes for like half an hour to figure out how to make the tail more accurate#i dont think im ever gonna restylize the legs they're gonna stay like that#murder drones#murder drones n#serial designation n#art#i have a stockpile of ideas thats not the reason i've vanished kinda#its just a lack of motivation to draw and gaining interest in other things#i did learn how to animate models so thats fun
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⛈️
#my art#leech art#vs dave and bambi#vs dave and bambi golden apple edition#origin bandu#true expunged#furry bandu#fnf bandu#cheating expunged#unfairness expunged#expunged fnf#bandu fnf#if i see a mistake on this im going to delete the whole post and explode#eyestrain#edit: WHY ARE THE EMOJIS SO FUCKING HUGE ON THIS POST DIES
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oh no the controversial opinions about the simon snow series post is going around... ok valen you can do this... you just have to not hit reblog... and nothing bad will happen...
#and yeah this is the same post i was talking about the other day where i said i wrote a whole fucking essay in the tags#but then decided against it and deleted my reblog without posting#valen and the void#💣 temp post
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While we’re at it, I’m seeing waaay too many of you on here get comfortable claiming that because an artist makes fucked up/problematic art, it is a reflection of their values/character.
Reminder that those are two separate things that can correlate, but aren’t necessarily connected.
#“only someone that messed up could make such fucked up art” eat my whole entire dick#I’ve already had to deleted like three comments on my previous post because they were spouting this bs#take that narrative and throw it in the trash#friendly reminder that rammstein is the product OF ALL SIX MEMBERS AND NOT JUST TILL LINDEMANN#rammstein#till lindemann
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Another rambling thought, sort of stemming from the last thing, but what if Misfire gets so upset about Krok believing he's contacting his old squad, and pretending or implying that they're still alive, because he's harboring some sort of repressed grief over Thundersaur?
Thundersaur's dying request being to free Flyhigh before he ends up in jail for a dozen counts of "accidental" murder implies a certain kind of closeness or something felt towards Misfire. Yet, we don't really see anything returned from Misfire's side? Outside of the "-You're just jealous because you've never had someone look out for you." comment he makes in response to Spinister's disbelief towards him being the type to end up on someone's "dying wish list".
So, there's that. What can be gleaned from just that? Not much ig, at least nothing concrete. But taking into account Misfire's relationship with Grimlock, and Grimlock's later view of Connie, perhaps something can be assumed about his relationship with Thundersaur.
Whether I'm reading into it too much or not, there is a theme of a sometimes rough but well intended trickle down kindness when it comes to the Scavengers and their story.
A favor or act of kindness is shown to one, and they return it back or onto another, sometimes unintentionally. There's emphasized acts of selflessness with them, even though we know them to be quite selfish, which, really only emphasizes those moments more. If they were written as less of a joking break between the drama of the Lost Light cast, perhaps this theme would've played a deeper more defined role. But anyways, my subjective character favoritism aside.
The point here is Misfire cared for Grimlock, and in turn, Grimlock chooses to care for Connie because it's "his turn" to look after someone. One act of empathy leads to another. There's a time to decide when it's your turn.
So it's possible it goes further back because of that. Thundersaur cared for Misfire, then it was Misfire's "turn" and he cared for Grimlock, and Grimlock cared for Connie.
So why doesn't Misfire say or mention anything about Thundersaur? Grimlock cares a lot for Misfire, wouldn't Misfire have cared a lot for Thundersaur?
Well, in a way, there's a possible answer for that. Misfire is shown to be uncomfortable when faced with admitting he cares for people, or needs people. He's uncomfortable with vulnerability. He gets defensive and snappy when pressed about it, or he deflects it away from himself, which is somewhat of a stark change to his more casual dramatics and honest friendliness. So he doesn't like talking about how he feels, how he really feels.
But he also admits to Grimlock he understands missing the people you cared about. He admits this in connection to Grimlock recalling the last time he was with his "Dino-Buddies", just before Grimlock was taken to Garrus 9. Misfire "gets it", even though it's hard, he gets it.
With all that possibly pointless evidence, we can guess that yeah, Misfire did care for Thundersaur. It's just that he, like the rest of the Scavengers, has his own repressed and poorly managed issues relating to his past and his own negative emotions.
Also, the death thing. He's real casual about dead stuff. He exsanguinates and cannibalizes corpses as a job/hobby, and enjoys it. There's an implied acceptance that he's okay with the fact that the Scavs will eat each other as soon as someone happens to keel over, which includes him also being dead and eaten. He's cool with that, ig. Or at least, he's cool with eating the others if the situation presents itself.
So he's got a weird relationship with life and death. When you're alive, you're a friend. When you're dead? Well, it's not really you anymore, is it? It's not someone you care about anymore, it's just a corpse, not a person, it's just resources in an empty vessel, not a friend. Nothing worth getting emotional or upset about. Perfect for being comfortably detached.
Because this is getting way too long tho, here's the point I'm trying to get to.
Why does Misfire lose his shit a little when Krok starts panicking and trying to call for his squad? Here's my theory, I guess.
Thundersaur is dead. He died, and he's gone, and Misfire knows this. He wasn't there. He didn't get to say goodbye. He didn't get to return the favor or repay the debt. He didn't get to show Thundersaur that he cared for others too, that he passed that on.
But while he accepts it, he doesn't want to think about it. Doesn't want to dwell on it, doesn't want to acknowledge that he misses Thundersaur. He's dead, he's gone. So it doesn't matter. Misfire can't need him anymore, and he doesn't want to admit he needs anyone anymore, because someone he relied on is dead, and he wasn't there for them to rely on in turn.
So he doesn't think about it. But Krok does. Krok thinks about it, and talks about it, and still admits to needing his dead. Even if he won't acknowledge the fact that they're dead, and gone, and never coming back, no matter how much he wants or needs them anymore.
And it feels unfair, and Krok keeps unintentionally poking at that repressed grief Misfire won't touch. A reminder with every click of that dismembered finger, that you can't always just will away the grief of loss, of death. There's going to be reminders everywhere. Even close to you. And so, faced with reminder after reminder, the repression breaks, and Misfire snaps because-
They're all dead.
Krok's squad is dead. Thundersaur is dead. Why can't they accept that and just move on to never talking about it, never mentioning it, never thinking about it again?
Because, in their own ways, neither of them have ever truly moved on.
#ignoring my need for sleep once again to ramble mindlessly about my favorite fucked up blorbos. yaaay#i will die on the hill of misfire having a lot more complex depth than what we're given at face value. dudes got issues#but that could be said for any of the scavengers. don't get me started on fulcrum. also chock-full of fascinating issues#but for the lot of them. it really is just mental illness and trauma up the wazoo. but somehow Spin and Crank are the most stable. sorta#hopefully this makes sense tho. i mean. it either already really obvious and im just now getting it. or it doesnt make sense#part of me is like. oh. its probably already been discussed so theres no point in me saying the same things-#-but at the same time my blog is also like public blorbo notes. i'd accidentally delete it if it were in my actual notes lol. gotta save it#i need a rambling tag or smth. in case folks wanna block it maybe.#i'll sleep on it ig#i'm posting this at like 4am. so if there is spelling or autocorrect problems. whoops#hopefully its fine#i'll reread it later if i get the time#god. honestly this whole theory could be tossed out by the implications that they all just hate the clicking noise#like. it just really pisses everyone off. no deep meanings. just annoyance or overstimulation or smth idfk
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how I know GPs actually don't want to help their trans patients at all: my GP 'doesn't feel comfortable' prescribing me birth control
this is a rant but I'm so fucking tired and I need to let it out
I've been on waitlist for NHS GIC for over two years, estimated 7 more years, I went private after DIYing HRT on and off over a year ago. First, I heard from my GP that as long as the psychiatrist and endo also work for the NHS, we'll prescribe your T for you, then once you finish your 6-month review, we'll do that, and then actually, I want you to have reviews every 3 months and only then I'll prescribe it for you - which would be more expensive than just buying it with private prescription by over x100 (review is £150, private prescription for 3 months is less than £15 with postage and filling). "I'm not comfortable prescribing TRT to someone who is biologically female," is what she 'explained', and, "This is not what testosterone use was intended for and I'm not knowledgeable enough in what kind of side-effects it'll have on you to put my registration on the line." I could show her the fucking BNF and how masculinizing gender identity disorder therapy is literally right under low T levels for men, and she'd still turn the other way.
Now, see I'm a trans guy who still gets his periods. I wasn't too bothered about them, but it seems that it was because my E was too high (or got too high, it was alright on DIY and then on the legal T at first). My endo said she will prescribe me birth control that would work as an E blocker before we try typical blockers (mostly due to a history of early osteoporosis in my family)
The birth control in question is regularly prescribed to cis women that feel bad on the typical pill, in fact, my cousin is on it, and my endo said my GP should not have a problem prescribing it but she'll send a guideline anyway. It's a 3-monthly injection that needs to be administrated at the GP and can otherwise get expensive as a private prescription because you need to book the administration service as well (even tho I have a few colleague nurses who would do it for free for me or tho I'm technically allowed to administrate it, being a nurse myself).
I go to my GP with the guidelines from my endo added to the system and what does my GP say? "I don't feel comfortable prescribing this to you."
I ask why. She says it wasn't designed to act as an E blocker. I'm like, "You know it is birth control because it lowers estrogen production enough that the menstrual cycle doesn't proceed the way it's supposed to, right?" and basically give her a mini-lecture on how hormones operate the reproductive system because it's a fucking basic information. She says estrogen is needed for other functions as well and she's afraid it'll get too low on the injection, and like, yes, I know this --- something they taught me in fucking middle school --- but I have blood tests done every 3 months and my last said I have high estrogen by female ranges, not to mention male, so being too low is not even an option right now. She doesn't really say anything but, "I'll not prescribe it because I only feel comfortable prescribing it to women and I don't have enough knowledge to prescribe it to someone on testosterone."
So yes, I'm a woman to her when it suits her, or I'm not, if that suits her better.
#needless to say I'm having a meeting with the practice manger as soon as possible#and what happened to 'doctors learn their whole career'?#this is the people I work with and it's fucking depressing to think about it#a few more months and I'll need to change my GP again and I'm dreading it already#nhs#me posts#delete later??#trans#uk politics#more like#uk shit#ftm#q
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i feel like shit rn. lol
#feel like i’m gonna fucking pass out. i took an iron pill and im drinking a gatorade#i just wrote a whole long post about how irritated and sad i feel about being basically ignored when i tried to go to the doctor last abt my#lightheadedness and daily bleeding but deleted it. lmao. i know i just need to go to the doctor again. whatever#chatpost
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Logan and Max have another talk, or 'does kissing count as free therapy?' Part 2 of whatever this was. I couldn't fall asleep last night because of how hard I kept thinking about these two. I blame @girlsdads for giving me the brainrot in the first place.
cw: the tiniest bit of implied sexual content
It's another bad race. Fucking 16th, only ahead of the two Saubers, and of the Haas and Alpine that had crashed each other out. There was no reason why his pit stop had to be 4.3 seconds, when Alex's had been 2.7, no reason why he had been fucked over by not one but two undercuts because of shitty strategy, no reason why Alex's side of the garage had to be celebrating 8th place while his was sullen and quiet.
Logan fears he's going to throw up when he steps in and James claps him on the shoulder, saying sorry, next time, as if Logan doesn't know his contract is on the line. Fucking. Next time?!
Logan feels like he's trying to swim with his hands tied behind his back, desperately trying to make it to shore. Nobody cares he's drowning.
He can barely look up during the debrief, feels like he's choking the whole time on the words nobody is saying. As soon as he's free, he escapes, fumbling for his phone as usual. Only this time, he doesn't call his mom.
Are you free?
Max has his motorhome this weekend, and Logan doesn't wait for an answer before heading over. If he doesn't answer, he'll just take a walk.
Yes come over
He's knocking on Max's door before he can rethink it, before all these feelings catch up on him and he decides he's going to break down alone instead. When Max opens his door, Logan immediately regrets it. He's wearing a black t-shirt, hair styled, looking ready to go out. Of course he's heading out, he has a win to celebrate. Unlike Logan. Who should have just gone home.
He opens his mouth, ready to apologize and turn around, when Max's hand closes on his shoulder, his mouth downturned with what would be worry, if it wasn't absurd for Max Verstappen to be worried about him.
"Come in," Max says, doesn't leave space for arguments when he pulls Logan inside, closing the door behind him.
For a long moment they just look at each other, as Logan's waves lap at his neck. He doesn't know why he's here anymore.
"Are you okay?" Max's hand is still on his shoulder. Logan feels like he'll keel over if he takes it back.
"I might be out of a seat."
It's not an answer to Max's question, it's not even what Logan meant to say, it's not something he should be telling to the competition, but really. Logan is barely Max's competition at all, and who wouldn't know that after this season's disaster? Nobody is counting on him to race next year.
He waits for Max to say something, even if it's just empty platitudes, but the other just squeezes his shoulder and nods, and suddenly it's much harder to hold back his tears.
"I just..." he breathes in, willing his voice to not crack, "I don't know what I am doing wrong."
It comes out more desperate than he meant it to, but he's just so tired and upset, and nobody is seeing him drown. Why is nobody paying attention?
"You have a shit car, get bad strategy calls, and have a teammate with years more of experience. You are not the one doing it wrong."
Max says it so matter of fact, as if he's the one driving the shit car, the one with the better teammate, the one having to fight through the back of the field with no success, and suddenly Logan is angry. He shrugs Max's hand away, fists clenching. What does Max know about being the second driver in a bad team? How dares he say he knows Logan's hunger?
"Fuck off," he spits, wrapping his arms around himself to hide the way his hands are trembling. He shouldn't have come.
"You have potential, you are not doing it wrong," Max says again, stubborn and bull-headed as always, jaw set and eyes clear. Logan's anger spikes again. Max Verstappen, the prodigy child, talking to him about wasted potential? This must be a joke. He scoffs, ready to turn around and leave, but Max grabs him again, gets a hold on his elbow and keeps him where he is.
"Why are you angry?" he asks. And yeah, this must be a joke, for sure. Why is Logan angry? Why is he angry?!
"You don't get to..." he starts, but Max interrupts him, squeezing his elbow.
"No. Why are you angry?"
"The team..."
Max takes a step closer, narrowing his eyes.
"Not the team, I do not care about the team. Why are you angry?"
As if there was a right answer to the question that Logan isn't getting! It's his own anger! And Max doesn't care about the team? Of course he doesn't, it's not his team fucking up! Why can't Logan be angry about the team?!
"Alex gets..."
"No. Why are you angry?" Max interrupts again, steadfast in a way that grates on Logan's nerves.
They're too close now, and for a second Logan entertains the idea of punching three times world Champion Max Verstappen. Anger burns in his chest, and suddenly, without knowing who closed the gap, they're kissing. It's not a nice kiss, all teeth and spit, and it almost feels the same as the punch he hasn't thrown, until Max moves his hand from his elbow to his waist, the other one coming up to cup the back of his neck, turning his head slightly. Gentling him.
His anger is back in his lungs, but it's no longer anger, it's back to salt water, and Logan is drowning again. He breaks the kiss, gasping, but Max doesn't let him go.
Logan doesn't remember the last time someone held him like this, like being here matters.
"Why are you angry?" Max asks again, breath soft against Logan's bitten lips. He smells vaguely like minty toothpaste.
"Because..." he hesitates, but at this point he might as feel say fuck it, and give it all. All his fleshy insides in Max's hands, bleeding on the floor between them. "Because I could do better, but I can't do it like this."
This time Max nods. "You could do better."
And Logan knows his parents and friends have said it before, have kept saying it for years. Knows his time in Formula 2 speaks for itself. But it's different, to have Max say it like that, so surely. It's a different kind of validation, and a different kind of heartbreak, because they both know his time to prove it is running out. It's hard to breathe again.
"It is good to be angry. It makes you want to take it," Max says, maybe mistaking the way his breathing has gone funny. But Logan doesn't feel angry anymore. He's tired, and scared, and lonely. He drops his head on Max's shoulder, who moves to card his fingers in his hair, bearing his weight with ease. Logan wishes anything would come easy to him instead.
"I don't know how to be angry," Logan confesses. He doesn't want to say it, doesn't want to disappoint Max, but he disappoints better than he lies anyway. What's one more person.
"That is of course still okay," Max says, instead of some sort of rebuke Logan is expecting. For a second, he thinks about the stories of Max's childhood, of angry men and steel hands. Max's fingers are gentle in his hair.
"What do you want right now?"
It's too big of a question. Logan wants his seat to be safe, he wants to end in the points, he wants a good car, he wants to not feel so distant from everyone else, he wants to go home. He wants someone to tell him it will be alright and mean it.
He shakes his head, forehead dragging against Max's t-shirt. Disappointing again.
Max holds his hair a little tighter, uses the grip to pull Logan up, to make him open his eyes.
"What do you need?"
And it's the same, but it is different, and Logan needs...he needs...
"You can take it. What you need." Max sounds so sure of it, Logan can almost believe it. Maybe Logan doesn't know how to take, doesn't know how to fix it, but here, now, he at least knows what he needs.
"I need to be better," he says, words bleeding out from his split-open chest. "I need to be good."
They both know what Logan means, because the thing with Max is, that it's always about racing, even when it isn't, and it is also always both at the same time.
Max nods, letting go of his hair, and Logan pushes him around, back against the door. Gentle, because he needs to be, but firm, because he wants this.
He eases himself to his knees, and feels Max's hand cup his cheek. His raspy voice isn't disappointed, or pitying, or even sad when he speaks, only fond. A little proud.
"Good boy."
#this was written incoherently at 4:30 am on my phone in bed and then fixed up today idk if the ending makes sense#i hope it is still okay once again the logan/max fog took over me i take no responsibility for this#also i am more or less unable to write smut unless the stars are aligned or some shit im just a little ace baby so thats what you get sorry#if its bad just tell me and i will delete it and die in shame <3#logan/max#i really think we should find them a ship tag if somebody has ideas or knows the 'official' name let me know#my writing#maybe i will post a screenshot of the first draft of this i wrote last night because its just funny kdjfnkjds#fun fact 1: in my head maxiel has kissed during fights before so max is just doing what he knows here#fun fact 2: the ones behind logan in this race are 77 24 10 20 because why not dksnfkjds#max never smiles or shrugs in this whole thing im a SHAM#btw i have shown INCREDIBLE restraint by waiting for a reasonable hour to post instead of just posting it when i was done#it could have meant rethinking this to death and deleting it all#fuck it we ball i guess
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Absolutely fucking stupid that my schools suicide prevention protocol is to basically to put someone in house arrest until a professional can write and “prove” that theyre okay so that theyre sure that they can let a student back in. Yeah. Sure. Just force someone to be in the house where they are even MORE at danger when there are literal sharp objects makes it easier to do it
#jesus fucking christ sorry im having anxiety palpitations again#its not fair#guidance counselor isnt even fucking. doing shit. not replying or making any fucking meetings with my therapist#just fucking great#its been on my mind recently#i never accepted it because i never realized it#i knew it wad unfair but i never realized that until now#just like one week before school starts#its not fair for them to basically put me in house arrest for a year while my anxiety brews every day while they sit on their fucking asses#and just. not do anything. be slow with arranging everything. isnt that your whole job?#literally fuck you#this was supposed to make me feel ‘better’ ive literally gotten worse#nothing has changed and i have become a worse person than i was before#i wasted a whole year rotting in anxiety AGAIN. its literally just like the pandemic happened again but im stuck watching everyone be free#and yeah! im bitter about the whole fucking thing! i think i deserve it#maybe i shouldnt talk like this. maybe im just overreacting#all i got out of this was heart palpitations and an english essay topic#just needed to type this out to ground myself a little#anyways ill go back to my regular insane posting after this. maybe…#who knows? maybe ill just be gone one day#whatever#im deleting this later#tw suicide#vent
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