#AND HOW EVEN IF ITS NOT TRUE LOVE ITS VALUABLE EVEN IF IT DOESNT LAST BC NOTHING LASTS AND LIFE ISNT FAIR

[adamarks]

So hard to go into the princess bride and see ppl not understanding the point of the framing narrative in the book

[the-s1lly-corner]

Creepypastas comforting the reader

except some of them arent particularly good at it + as per usual jeff ben and toby are written as platonic everyone else can be seen as either or writing a silly little thing before i tackle in on requests, falling into the same vibe as the "hugging/kissing creepypasta characters" post from last week since i do enjoy rating these lads on thing ehehehe obligatory "these style of posts go over my personal character limit but since this is writing for the admin he bends the rules a bit" anyways uhuh totally dont give me ideas for these eheheh winks

SLENDERMAN:

not much of a talker in general, and i think that remains true in scenario where you're upset/crying. but he does make it clear that hes here for you... just... in a general sense. you know? refuses to leave you alone unless you directly ask him that you need space; more so watches out of concern rather than his usual curiosity. i think he would make you a warm drink and let you vent to him. more of a logical approach than an emotional one; better at giving solutions rather than giving comfort.. though i like to think that his tentacles will pull you close if you want to lean into him, will let you cry into his shoulder with no judgement. 6/10 low score simply because sometimes one needs comfort in the moment instead of solutions, you know?

SPLENDORMAN:

i think hes the opposite of slenderman. hes all emotions first, logic later. if he already knows you comfortable with it, i think he would come in and scoop you up in a hug.. hell he might even cry with you, or do the equivalent of it (admin is still on the fence of whether or not he has eyes or not! torn between them being actual eyes or markings) will make you your favorite snacks and drinks, all the while letting you cry and vent to him. gets mad on your behalf if someone had done you wrong, does not make your feelings feel small or invalidated. if he could he would confront the person who treated you unfairly.... and in fact he might, who would ever believe the person that they came face to face with a ten foot tall monster? though... this can lead to him being a little quick to make choices that might have big impacts... 7/10 love this man need to write more for him and develop my hcs

EYELESS JACK:

you know now that i think about it, given how much i write for EJ, i swear ive done a similar prompt at some point. regardless of it i did and if my hcs are the same, im going to go ahead and drop my hcs. i think hes very similar to slenderman in terms that hes more of a solutions > emotion person.. though i do think hes more likely to join you in any shit talking if someone did you dirty... do i think he would target that person next when hes going to go 'hunting'? no... unless the person did something truly awful and unforgivable, then he would definitely consider it.. probably wont go through with a harvest, though.. but thats it whole other thing. more of a talker than slenderman, so at least he has that going for him. lets you sleep in his bed if youre venting to him in his cabin 7/10 one point higher than slenderman simply because he talks more n stuff

LAUGHING JACK:

im gonna be so real i think he can go either way if hes going to be good at comforting you. on one hand hes too silly and might not take it too seriously; or he might try to make you laugh.. which COULD work but other times makes it look like he doesnt care about your feelings. on the other hand i think he can give some solid adivce, but thats only based on the fact that i love it when unhinged hyper characters suddenly drop the most valuable info. shrugs. i mean if you need a distraction, i think lj is your man to go to ! he was literally made to entertain so i dont think its going to be too hard for him to take your mind elsewhere. i think he would offer to cook you something but i also think hed probably be banned from the kitchen because he cant cook for shit. has probably set water on fire somehow level shit. so instead you guys just sit together talking... mostly its him leading the conversation, though. doesnt leave you be until you at least give him a smile... 6.5/10 only because i dont know how to rate him here

MASKY/TIM:

oh not at all emotional. well no thats a lie but hes not very emotive. thats the more correct word. look if we're talking about masky, hes probably going to be really bad at comforting you unless your means to be comforted involves being watched... though i do think he would fall into the act of service hole.. does all the chores and such for you so you dont have to worry yourself about cleaning a pan thats been in the sink for two days now. tries his hand at cooking, but i dont think masky is the best cook.. TIM on the other hand.. but we'll get into that in a minute. probably ends in you guys ordering something but hey its the thought that counts. if someone made you upset you notice over the course of the next few weeks that person starts outright avoiding you and overall seems anxious. weird. probably unrelated! 7/10 only because im badly overworked irl and the idea of someone taking charge sounds like a dream

tim i think would be similar, but hes more expressive for you... will cook for you but if your favorite food happens to be really specific or something else, hes probably going to run out and get it. torn on whether or not he would tell you before he goes, or if he sticks to keeping it a surprise.. i think he would tell you just so it doesnt feel like hes abandoning you when youre down..! not much to be said here other than him being supportive 8/10 i would KILL for some white cheddar popcorn rn

HOODIE/BRIAN:

i think he would put you to bed. actually i think both of them would but to keep things clear im still going to divide this like masky/tims. i think hoodie is going to keep you in bed, even if youre not particularly tired. dont bother trying to fight him on it, hes only allowing you to get up for the bathroom. let him take care of things! very similar to masky, picks up on a lot of the chores. i think he can cook, though, definitely better than masky but i dont think hes like. top tier. likes making you little snacks, or food thats generally deemed as comforting (mac and cheese, cornbread, ect). doesnt talk (sign) much but will occasionally sign to you asking how you're feeling 7.5/10 love this man, so mad kid me used to sleep on hoodie

very similar, but an even better cook than hoodie so be prepared to eat good. communicates with you more than hoodie and makes small talk while cooking. i think he would keep the chat lighthearted and on a different topic rather than tackling your feelings, unless you express that you want to vent then hes all ears! not because he doesnt care more so because he doesnt want to seem prying or nosey and wants to give you the choice yourself. sometimes makes jokes about stuff in order to try to get you to smile. feels victorious when he succeeds 8/10 mad i slept on him too

TICCI TOBY:

i think he might actually be TOO strong and in your face when asking you what happened. only one who outwardly offers to krill someone if someone were to make you upset. but thats just because i think toby can occasionally get protective of you. i mean youre one of his best friends (only friends) and here you are upset! if you dont want him to do anything hes going to try to contain himself. he strikes me at the type to retreat to the roof and look up at the stars... i think he would offer to do that with you; but if youre too scared to climb then he can lay out a blanket for you so you guys can go sit on the grass! surprisingly a very good listener, though very emotionally driven and reacts a lot when you tell him the details of your day.. but its nice, i think, reassures you that hes is in fact listening.. 7/10 gives off brother vibes

JEFF THE KILLER:

ohhoho so this is an interesting one, because i like the idea of jeff still acting like an older brother every now and then even after everything. but he also has that attitude of "i dont care about anyone around me and im better than everyone".. more of an actions than words guy. he wont really say it.. you know? one of those "if he actually didnt care then he would bother giving you the time of day, much less break into your house at night with his arms full of your favorite snacks and drinks". good luck trying to vent to him though, i think its rare that he lets anyone vent to him since he also holds the "ew yucky feelings" thing ben has.. though once in a blue moon i think he would let you and give some decent advice... though every now and then that advice involves punching someone 6/10 is fair i think...

BEN DROWNED:

kind of reminds me of how younger siblings will give their older siblings know they like. kind of like the "my brother saw me crying and asked me what my favorite color is... he gave me things in that color" post/image going around that i cannot for the life of me find but i know it exists because it made me cry. i think its like that. except since hes in your phone he already knows what your interests are.. probably pulls up what your comforts and likes are in an attempt to cheer you up. i dont think he would bluntly speak with you about your feelings, but thats just because he thinks heart to hearts are yucky and cringe/lh. uses videos, art, stuff like that. ehehe silly phone ghost 7/10 because as simple as it is, if someone tossed my cc at me i would feel at least a little better for a moment and its the action itself you know?

PUPPETEER:

i thin hes similar to jeff in regard that he tries to play things off but deep down he does care, and that tends to show more through his actions... though i personally think if you were to actually cry then he might lose it a bit, because who DARE? i gotta admit, im still trying to figure out how i want to write pup and what hcs to give him, but i think.. this is an okay take.. might 'confront' anyone who made you upset, with or without your approval which might make some issues between the two of you.. more ready to let you vent to him though, might slip out some mean insults and words about whatever's got you upset regardless of its a person, chance, or object 7/10

[kemimariesworld]

12 house profection year journal entry #4

I'm currently sitting with a lot of insights. Some of them are ones that continue to rise over and over. Like the fact that I am different. That fact is a guiding principal in my life and I've worked hard to transform this negative core belief into a positive one. Being in my 12th house year, I am realizing a lot and while many may turn inwards towards solitude, this year thus fas is encouraging me to step outward with my true inner self. I've come to a sad reality that I have hid so many worthwhile parts of myself for majority of my life. The eccentric beauty and differences within me have been kidnapped by a quiet tone and societal standard driven attitude.

The Pattern App says "its possible people have no sense of just how unique you are because its so repressed. As a result, you may feel alienated and blocked from being yourself." And holy shit.

I'm coming into this awareness that many people know me as a quiet, introverted, to self person because I've held a repressed mask over myself since I was young. Some people just see me as a spiritual guide they can go to. Others see me as someone they only come to for advice. I haven't fully allowed myself to be alllllll sides of me. I've niched down and my platform has allowed me to easily do so, hiding behind my content and continuously doing what others desired from me. January 2022 hit me hard last year because "all of a sudden" (it was spiritual), I no longer wanted to do what I do. There was something missing and I couldn't understand until December 2022, the very last minute. But last year was the beginning of this unravelling of who I thought I was. This happens to me often, actually. Every time I think I know and I finally settle into something, spirit kicks me out. I'm coming to realize that I am not meant to settle or be one way forever. I am meant to grow and continuously change. I am not meant to get complacent. I got very comfortable stepping into the work I was doing, but looking back, I would've stayed exactly where I was at... doing the same shit and I wouldn't have stopped to intentionally question my own desires. As this 12 house year commences, I'm finally becoming aware of what ive hidden and thats eccentric, unique me. A me that my partner has brought out of me and reminded me of.

The Pattern App classifies this as "unconventional outsider" and "intelligent outsider." It's true. My entire life I have felt like an outsider. Starting from age 8, I always felt like I needed to prove myself. I thought taking the traditional routes and being the absolute perfect best at them would make me valuable. I held onto meritocracy and grind culture. I did it all, and even in trying to stick the standard... I didn't. I graduated with a Bachelors at 20. I started receiving college credit at 16. Started college at 17. I gave birth at 18. Even when I tried to be traditional, I still did it differently. However, I was always motivated by criticism, doubt, and feelings of inadequacy. This perfectionism led me to be an overachiever. As the pattern says, "theres always the pressure to be better and do more." Yet, it was never good enough. "This is the most painful part of the process: discovering that even when you exceed expectations, it won't fill the void and relieve the pressure you feel. Nothing external will deliver the self love youre looking for-- only you can give that to yourself." I never felt seen and I haven't felt seen until this past year. I never felt seen because I never even saw myself. I hid myself. People only saw what I can DO for them and I trapped myself there for a long time. For majority of my life, I shut down my eccentric brilliance and traded it to essentially dominate social standards and all of the spaces I enter, because I thought that would make me worthy, desirable and valuable. I thought that's how I could be seen and recognized.

But my path is to cultivate a sense of self worth that doesnt rely on outside validation and that means I have to operate from a place of my true, different self. I am coming to terms with the idea that being different and expressing myself in such a way... means there is no knight in shining validation coming. That comes from being me and loving me. I've been doing the self love work for a while and I truly do love myself. I'm at a new place now though: expressing my true self and taking up space. Not repressing myself. Not shutting down. not hiding behind anything. The self that I love? I can display. I do not have to compartmentalize myself just because I feel like others will be harsh, critical and judgmental.

My self judgment tells me that I'm too out of the box. It tells me I'm too much. It tells me I'm too weird for others. It tells me that even though I love these things about me, others will probably hate it so just don't share. When I do share, I often feel like people judge me harshly and hit me with criticism immediately. I'm not often validated in my eccentricity and differences.

When I was younger, I wanted to be a creative artist but was quickly told that doesn't make money, and I have to choose to do something else with my life. I'm happy that the Universe proved those people wrong and moved me towards my inner child dreams without me even realizing it. Regardless, I constantly feel like I'm running against limits and it really shuts me down from being me.

People dont understand the way I think or appreciate the perspectives and then later on, people jump onto the bandwagon and get it. It happens in every space i'm in. My first year speaking on spirituality, I was met with resistance and hex groups from others in the community. But when I started growing on spiritual twitter, everyone suddenly wanted to be friends. People, typically of authority in a space, shut me down before they open up, so i've always felt shutdown when I do or say things. Courage is the only thing that keeps me going. I also know that I have an innate strength to be 100% fearless in a way many people just don't have and I think it's important that I show others that they can too. I see myself as an example. If no one else will, I will. That aries rising keeps me going.

I think for the past 22 years, I've let others validation and what they say I "should" be doing really take hold of my motivations. PSA: just because others applaud, doesn't mean you have to keep yourself in the box they congratulate you for being in. Do what you want, not just what others say youre good at.

The past 4 years, the grips of those boundaries have slowly withered away. Now, in this 12th house year, things are getting very real and its all dissolving. I'm at a place where I am fully letting go of others ideas. I am seeing the beauty in everything I've hidden.

Emotions definitely overwhelm me when I think about how I've shut myself down. It feels good to be realizing my true motivations and desires, but it's also sad, because I feel like I gave so many years away to negative doubts and beliefs. Imagine if we nurtured differences and divergencies? I always start crying thinking about the lies in which I've told myself and the boxes I've kept myself in these past 11 years. I've truly believed that my inner eccentric is different and bad. It's not true though.

"If you cling to the status quo, you'll likely continue to meet resistance or feel unfulfilled. You're supposed to explore your uniqueness and do things differently. You're the exception to the rule - ignore any judgment and find the courage to break free. You're meant to stand outside of whats considered normal."

Sometimes I read that last line over and over. This is something I've been in therapy for. I am meant to stand outside of whats considered normal.

That eccentric part of me was cast out and improperly treated. I want to nourish the differences within me and seek freedom at all costs. I am coming to terms with:

-the idea that I can't do what everyone else does because im not like everyone else. That is okay.

-the idea that anytime I go the standard, traditional route, the universe will kick me off of it.

-the idea that I'm not supposed to be easily digestible and understood. Coming to terms with the idea that you will never be fully understood is HARD and it can feel so lonely, but the tea is: you will be fully understood by yourself as long as you listen.

-the idea that holding onto traditionalism tightly will only cause me hell which means it's essential that I choose the unconventional path that my heart desires. Choosing that path means I must undergo the pressures, criticism, and judgments of everyone around me. Although I want to be accepted and loved, Saturn and Uranus say my existence and truth is supposed to challenge the shit everyone does. I am meant to enact change and show things that can be done. That never comes with ease. People like whats comfortable, not whats different. People dont like change.

So I'm coming to terms with so many ideas around my worth, my eccentricities, and sitting with the hard truth that if I want to live my most freeing and joyful life, I have to value my truth more than I value others criticisms and I cannot let those judgments get me down. (Thankfully, I've been blessed with a twitter platform which has most definitely taught me this first point.) I have to walk with my freedom instead of holding onto the pressures of others. I have to show myself and finally let myself take up space.

I see everything shifting everyday as I make intentional, conscious decisions to validate all the parts of me which are different. I validate my out of the box desires, my unpredictability, my intense impulses and drive, my desire to live on an island by myself, my exceptional drive and ability to make shit happen, my detached energy, my lack of texting response bc I'm actually present in daily life, my disconnect from pop culture, etc. I want things and I love things that most people don't want nor like and I am okay with it. How I define and view this world is very different. Even my choice to move out of the country is such a big jump for me that I've always wanted to make. My views of sex, gender, femininity, masculinity, luxury, healing, literally everything... is so fucking different. I am okay with that. I can share from that place.

I'm no longer pretending i'm like everyone else because that just leaves me feeling more alienated.

I am coming to terms with the idea that my existence is disruptive to the status quo and that is okay. No matter what, I can't conform. The universe is showing me that... its not going to work anymore. My goal is to pursue freedom and joy, release the pressures and ideas others have for the direction of my life.

I am realizing all these things about myself... all the boxes I've been in for so damn long. It makes me cry. I'm grieving. I'm shocked. It feels like I'm rescuing myself and its emotional. I'm finally allowing myself to step out into myself. Every time I face resistance or pushback, I feel a deep calling within, validating my goals and desires. I am able to receive others criticisms and ideas without internalizing them or thinking I need to shift anything. I am trusting in me. I am choosing me finally and I feel very good.

[punchholesinthesky]

I was thinking... one day the warehouse team cant save the world.

no one can.

and after realising that theyve lost

myka can only think of one thing to do.

she goes looking for helena

it takes a while to find her and get to her, so there isn't much time by the time she arrives.

"Myka? what the hell are you doing here? Helena asks, confused but smiling.

Myka smiles back, but it's a sad smile that Helena sees through immediately.

So she takes her out of the party, and they go to the roof.

it's one of Helena's favourite spots. She made a garden up there.

She has a telescope and a typewriter, cause the stars feed her imagination.

She asks Myka what's wrong.

and Myka takes her hand, sits down.

she doesn't know how to explain

"We just... it's been a hard time. and we lost, and I despaired....and then I thought of you"

"of course, darling, I'll help however I can"

Myka shakes her head

"I don't think even you can fix this one"

they stay silent for a moment

Helena has never seen myka like this.

She's been there, and she never wanted her to feel like that.

and now she doesnt know what to say so she just holds her hand.

"I just missed you" myka says finally

"and the world may be ending, and if it is, I wanted to be with you"

Helena stares at her in wonder

"a while ago, I asked you to start with me if you wanted to end the world. it was true then and it is true now. I want to spent the rest of my life and my last moments with you. look into your eyes and die holding your hand. I'm sorry I'm a coward and never told you. I'm sorry I'm selfish and interrupted your life and your party just so I could feel slightly better about my many regrets. I must look a mess, Ive been travelling for what must be days and taking up your valuable time. I just needed to say this.I'm sorry I never fought for you. I'm sorry I never told you I love you. but I did, and I do. I always will" at this, myka breaks off, sobbing, hiding her face in her hands.

Helena hugs her, caressing her hair.

" I know, myka, I always did. I put down that gun because you were the one good thing about the world and I couldn't be responsible for its destruction. you look wonderful to me. and you have never been a coward, I was. I should have told you how wonderful you are. how important you are. how much I love you. I'm the coward who never fought and who kept running away. you gave me so many chances, but I was just scared. I don't know what's happening, but if the world is ending there's nowhere I'd rather be than by your side"

Myka looked up, tears in her eyes, and Helena hugged her tightly.

they laid down in the beach chair, Helena cuddled myka to her and kissed her head. Myka turned around and kissed her fully.

above them, the stars were going out.

[startwithbrooklyn]

THE GREAT ND REWATCH OF 2021 / OCTOBER 3, 2019 // the trial

(TW SUICIDE)

it's the reveal!!!! love that for her hope shes thriving (shes not) again w the two minutes of the next episode to sync the dates

-lmaoooo so i honestly wonder why they went for the full pulling-it-out-the-throat thing but idk (an interesting foil to her getting sick for more stereotypical reasons ie s2 "people find out theyre grandparents every day"

-I LOVE THIS GEORGE HAIR

-"i'd do anything for nancy" okay but....why 👀bit of an odd reaction imo

-bess with spilling the truth again 😂and gets shot down. tragic #shetried

-wait sooooo nobody tested the fingerprints on the knife when this shit happened?? or that tech didnt exist in 2000? i mean without a body how could they even call it murder? and who told the police?? like if the drews took the baby, the dress, and said nothing, who tells the cops shes missing or even dead? how did they know to search the bluffs? who told the media/public? it had to have happened that same night because ryan said when he got there later there were already rumors she was killed. after the baby and bloody dress, only her crown, a knife, and tire tracks were left. how did anyone find anything at this remote bluff without some kind of tip off? and why on earth would they think murder and not suicide with so little evidence?? thats gotta be like suicide central, sorry for the trigger

-"a little help, lucy?!" lucy seems unable to disobey a direct request from nancy (ie "lucy, stop" from later in the ep) when nancy speaks directly to her. so maybe if nancy had spoken aloud/engaged more lucy could have appeared more? nancy said she only comes around when she wants to but what if nancy herself could do a bit more, being the last thing lucy touched and all

-so in ep 2 when nancys in jail carson says "great grandma rosalind buried her valuables in the trunk" including the knives shown here. did carson and kates families even know about nancy? how did they explain not announcing a pregnancy or birth?

-"oh." john lmfaoooo

-BESS lmaoooo and ace's looks in the background and then at seeing nick approaching lmfaooo oh no / also why on earth is she apologizing?? he dumped her but she has to be sorry he found out she fucked someone else? someone nicer pls explain to me bc i dont get it. she dont owe him shit

-george is SO CUTE lmfaoooo and so forward and he was so shook but then he was like "oh hell yeah"

-"is he a vampire?!" ik nobody i knew got that reference 😂

-this entire search of the claw is a sham. what are they even looking for. clearly a set up by tamura but why/what does he suspect them of. esp w karen as accomplice, story should be airtight so why are they still investigating?

-john + ace dream team 💙

-god ace is such a yes-man. why is he so fucking loyal?? people like him are insane. how are they real. i suspect they arent. and no matter what you do you are never worthy of their unending loyalty anyway.

-so in the Good Place nancy was the one who had the key but in reality its ryan

-wonder if lucy's listening to ryan here talking about his love and grief for her

-"you were throwing away your future on a nothing girl" - nancy & ryan - their fathers dont want them to see "troubled" kids, want them to focus on school instead --> which they both struggle with and eventually do not achieve (maybe bc they want their kids to leave horseshoe bay?) for nancy its an interesting vice for someone whos really a goody two shoes/for ryan its subverted bc karen actually did worse than him ie committed real crimes

-"stay away from my family" surprise bitch bet you thought youd seen the last of me 😉

-interestingly, ryan probably would have agreed with karen about switching the ballot boxes but he wouldnt have really understood the social consequences. both josh and karen are determined to see ryan as the bad guy when actually he didnt do anything, they did. 🤔

-karen is such a ride or die friend. again w the loyalty. if someone swapped ballot boxes for me i'd be touched. im sure going into active labor made lucy a bit upset but damn. what a friend.

-wonder when nancy starts calling her "Lucy" instead of "dead lucy"

-lucy primarily haunting her own house/love seeing this house overtaken by nature

-the concept of writing things down : starting from the first ep, nancy's journal (then and now), writing out simon cards, similar cemetary cards in the Good Place, "beautiful minding it," culminating in lucy's journal / writing it down to help figure it out/when theres too much going on to keep it inside

-"i'll make a salad" NICK LMAOOO

-wonder what happened to carson's old lawyer?

-"my testimony begins in the summer of 1999" because your story always starts with your mother's story

-lmfaoooooo this shit taking the stand is soooo never allowed but oh well

-"she stole a knife" and carson's face lmfaooooo he knows its not true but what could he fucking say?? no?

-"i love you mom, i hope you never find this." ironic bc nancy didnt want her dad to find her journal either

-lucy never wanted anyone to find out how she died d/t shame- but she didnt want carson to go to jail for it so she finally allowed it (or just couldnt refuse nancy asking)

-"i'm sorry for what you lost"/"i'm never gonna be free from them"

-awww ace/mcginnis goodbye / i wonder if ace is nervous thinking about tamura --> ace's dad since chief mcginnis covered for ace out of respect for his dads sacrifice but tamura would throw both ace and his dad under the bus just to get at nancy (get at her via ace? since he was already used as the blackmail plot device? they kinda touched in this in s2 but not fully)

-okay sooo why are they still doing this forensic analysis thing? like the whole things over so whats the point. i wonder if john had packed up and gone home what coulda happened

-nancy/carson - interrupted moments:

•family dinner interrupted by nancy's accsations

•being home after finding ted interrupted by carson's arrest

•celebration of dropped charges interrupted by nancy discovering the truth about her parentage

-"i cooked your favorite to celebrate" ironic bc shes upset that hes not her "real" dad but he IS because he knows her best. like theyre literally proving it right in front of her. vs ryan whom she doesnt really want anyway AND rejects requests to get to know her. like come on sis. his 20 years of parenting you arent going away, ever. deal w it.

-carson's little smile before he said "'mom never hurt lucy" like he knows this is the end / scott's acting here just kills me

~~~~~~~~~

-why did the drews come back at all? and why did kate really keep the dress? carson says she did it as a link to lucy, but did kate want to keep it to be connected to lucy? or did she bury it to keep lucy repressed? is this a positive or a negative? +keeping in attic - did lucy start to haunt kate, so she unburied the dress?

and lastly:

-why doesnt lucy haunt everett and celia hudson? she kind of does ie painting but only when nancy visits bc shes actually haunting nancy. isnt everything the hudsons' fault?

[elliethesuperfruitlover]

tw/venting

ayo the thought of having to go back to school in a little over a month is fucking wild. like.....i feel like i just got out of school and binge watched invincible for the first time. IT FEELS LIKE YESTERDAY. it’s extremely scary thinking about how fast time is passing by because i keep doing the same thing everyday. there’s barely any change in anything. not allowed outside. my IRL friends arent vaxxed yet, and even if they were, my mom’s suspicious of my intentions when going out. and lets not get into the fact that school doesnt stress me out as much, but i’ll be damned if i dont have awful test anxiety still. i feel like everything is fucking passing me by and that sucks ASS. my classmates are going out to beaches and shit, and posting on insta (good for them, i probably need to touch some grass) but like?? i feel like im just being robbed of my life. and teen years and all that. 

i know the pandemic has been hard for LITERALLY everyone. (if you said 2020 was a good year, hush, you’re alone in that regard bestie, dont wanna hear it) but i just......im finally recognizing feelings and all that (shit’s scary man) my thoughts dont match my body whatsoever (not dysphoria, its derealization, or something similar). thats so scary to me. sometimes i catch myself in the mirror and im talking and im like...”thats not me.....oh fuck, it is me.” so i dont look in the mirror and talk aloud, is what im saying. i’ll have a breakdown. but im extremely extroverted. i love people, and seeing people and hugging people. and not feeling like every day that i spend inside of my fucking house is a waste of time because time travel doesnt exist and i cant get any of these days back. at all. it is a never ending cycle. i just want a hug, dude. i’ve never experienced cuddling before either. i would love to platonically cuddle someone. but i got rid of toxic friends (still not over it) and got very radicalized...but for what. my own knowledge and betterment.....but eh. plus i traumadump, nobody wants to hear my sob story, i need to hush. and get in contact with my therapist. and discuss my anxiety issues. and possible depression. and PTSD and so many other things because it’s really not cute. anyways.

also heyy, my body issues are back. like?? hello. not that they ever went away, they just steep for a bit, then start boiling back. and that’s torture for me. having a generally okay body is fine, but then i realize that when i do wear pants, they’re either my overalls (comfort and queerness) or jeans. and yay those are tighter than they were last time. and i know weight fluctuation is a thing that happens, but i really feel like i could do more to not feel as bad. (i mean, sure, i could, but exercising makes me feel horrible mentally so). i see classmates thin and everything (i know thin isnt always healthy, but a part of me wishes that i was bone thin, we wont talk about it) and i know “every body is a bikini body” and i support that initiative 1,000 percent, but A. i have no idea if my parents would even let me get one if i wanted one (i dont) and B. i dont have the confidence to wear something like that. i even hate the fucking swimsuit that i have. i want the fucking full length victorian swimsuits with a shirt and fucking shorts because i cant stand being exposed. my stomach pokes out too much. my arms arent muscly like they were some years back. i just feel....so weird. and the “oh she’s smart, she cant be hot.” one or the other type shit that my brain keeps trying to tell me is real ia NASTY. like heyyy i have a brain, and i use it most days, but my body also shouldnt be fuckshitted like this. this collection of skin and bones keeps me safe (but not from my brain, its on some different shit)

another thing is that i can not wear exposing things. ugh, i would feel so just....out in the open. im literally scared of someone coming behind me and fucking groping me, or slapping my ass. (valid fear) but i literally fucking HATE feeling like that. one, I AM UNDERAGED, and two, ITS NASTY EITHER WAY. and if i went to school, and wore something mildly form fitting, i’d be pushing my body forward to look less noticeable (i dont trust seniors), or pulling my jacket down (i always wear jackets in school) so people arent looking at me. that sucks. and i wish i didnt make my anxiety that bad as to where it just sucks to exist. with a human flesh prison that looks a certain way. i kinda just want to hide my body. permanently. (not dysphoria related, my tits are fine, if they stay, cool, if they don’t, cool) but like...ugh.

and this is where it gets EXTREMELY dark, trigger warning for suicide mention.

yeah last year on the first week of school (virtual) i really wanted to kill myself. which like..isnt okay. i havent really told anyone about that either. because it was an extremely low point for me. i just didn’t think that i could fucking make it through the entire year. all those assignments, and all those days, wasted. im not learning anything valuable (besides maybe science and finance)...i dont know what the fuck i want to do with my life. there’s no such thing as ethical consumption so i’m gonna be contributing to something fucked up, no matter what i do. im weird. and political. and opinionated. and into so many different things. which, y’know, should be cool and fun and fresh. but it terrifies me to know that other people arent like me. that they many never understand my interests. and i feel like this with EVERYONE in EVERY class. unless i see a similar interest. or a tiny flag. but the thought of introducing myself again and again. to more people. who i may never fucking see again. who probably dont care about me. kinda discourages you a bit. so yeah, i really wanted to off myself. it seemed so impossible to get through everything. and then heyyy, near the end of the year, something really shitty happened. was depressed. told my mom i may be autistic... “okay...well....getting diagnoses takes a lot of money. so unless you have 700 bucks laying around....then no.” (who says the person who may ALSO be autistic along with me) few weeks back, talking about my therapist who wanted to talk through the DSM-4 with me “you really think you’re autistic huh.” of course mom. why else would i have written a paper about it, followed actually autistic accounts, and done research on it.

then near the next year, i sucked even more ass. friend shit broke me down and i felt....like i fucked up. which i did. and like i cant keep people in my life. (which is partially true) and i felt more physically exhausted than i had in literal years. i feel very deeply, and especially with negative emotions. so that really fucked me up. (may be something more serious, i have no idea) so there’s that. i just....i’ve never felt like i had been so awful in some time. like i let everyone around me down. so no more of /those/ situations. i dont sleep correctly when my hair is wet, so you can imagine how my dreams were THAT night.

but yeah, i dont feel like wanting to kill myself again. because i know it’s not worth it. but something just keeps pulling me deeper into these disgusting pits of awfulness. like there’s no other way out. (wrong) and gritting my teeth and willing myself to do things is going to hurt, but it’s quite literally the only choice i have. i cant give up. so there’s that. my thoughts and everything. yeah.....it’s 5:10 in the morning, im going the fuck to sleep.

[lampd-intheface]

vampire LAMP au

okay but like imagine a vampire au with polysanders except virgil is the only human???

roman got bitten by a vampire in italy just for kicks and then he was left to his own devices. he had to suffer through the shift alone with nobody to help him

for a little while, he was ravenous and accidentally killed a lot of people. in the end, tho, he snapped out of it and taught himself how to control his hunger

roman lived through the italian renaissance and moved between italy and spain (which is why he can speak really good spanish/italian) and even settled down a little in england for some time too

when roman settled down in england, he met patton who'd been a vampire for a while now

patton became a vampire becos he was hit with the plague and his mother was desperate to find a cure. this vampire they met ended up helping and then taking patton under his wing

roman and patton eventually find themselves in america (which was still a pretty new country at the time)

logan lived during the industrial era where everyone was just inventing things left and right and it was booming in terms of science and machinery

he was turned becos a vampire thought his genius was too valuable and death shouldn't put a stop to logan who had a lot of potential

the three then settled down in america

roman made some money writing fantasy books under pseudonyms. logan made money through patents or really any kind of intellectual work he could find. patton spent his time at home, just helping out and taking care of roman and logan

they had to move often, of course, becos people would be suspicious if they just stayed in the same place for too long. they couldn't get attached to people either becos getting attached to people meant people who would keep track of them

after all of their years being alive, patton and logan and roman have amassed enough money that they're just chilling and living comfortably

now, it's the modren era and, in this au, all of them either have online classes and/or night classes

virgil takes night classes and online classes because it limits his social interaction with other people and he's much more comfortable interacting with smaller groups of classmates (night classes)/not physically interacting with classmates at all (online classes)

the others because well duh they're vampires

it's not becos they dont like sunlight (they can be exposed to a little but too much gives them rashes). it's just that it's easier to keep a low profile if they interact with less people

logan is really the only one seriously taking classes and not for any other reason than because he loves learning. patton and roman will take classes here and there but only for their hobbies

insert virgil. i haven't thought this one through but logan probably meets him first because they share a class together.

anyway, LAMP have a meet cute or whatever

maybe like virgil is in an art history class and the prof says something wrong abt a certain part of history

logan is about to correct the prof but virgil beats him to it and logan is impressed with how accurate virgil was with his facts because logan lived that era and not a lot of people are so knowledgeable about it

that aside, their friendship takes time

logan has to introduce patton and roman separately and then the three of them have to keep attempting to get closer to virgil slowly and at virgil's pace

eventually, for their own reasons, they fall in love with virgil

logan falls in love with how much he relates to virgil. virgil is so smart and the two of them can talk and have debates and virgil just understands him so well

roman falls in love with how snarky virgil is becos he'll tease virgil and he knows virgil will serve it right back to him. virgil challenges him and its exhilarating and exciting

patton falls in love with how soft virgil is and how much he wants to protect virgil from all the bad things in the world. he loves how virgil has been through so much and yet virgil is still so strong

virgil is unaware of how smitten the three of them are tho and he falls in love with them too. he kind of just... plans to be with whoever asks him out first (if any of them ask him out at all)

because virgil struggles with his anxiety a lot, he can't really work at normal places. there's too many interactions, too many people.

he had thought that he'd eventually get used to it and then he'd be able go get a job but it's taking him a lot of time to get over his anxiety

precious time he can't really afford since he's putting himself through college

which is where his vamp boyfriends friends come in because hello, if they can't pay for their cute human crush's essential college classes, then what's the point of having all that money?

in any case, they find out abt virgil's financial problems and they're like omg... we're the solutions to his problem!!!

roman: i can finally actually slay what ails virgil!!!

logan: you won't be slaying anything--

roman: LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING

before they establish that sort of relationship though, logan and roman and patton all agree that they want virgil to know the real them first so that virgil can decide whether or not he wants to be associated with them

the last thing they want to do is make virgil feel like he's obligated to stay with them even tho he fears them becos they're paying for his college and housing him and stuff

so, they plan get to know virgil more and then tell virgil they're kind of sort of creatures of the night

definitely easier said than done

when they tell virgil, he's like *phone error sound* ??? before realizing oh my God, they're serious

he then laughs about it a little and the other three are confused but he clarifies that the situation was very ironic

becos like omg, how hilarious is that??? the one goth guy who's super pale and avoids social contact and is practically the stereotypical vampire is actually the only one that's NOT a vampire??? that's irony at its finest

virgil then also assures them that the three of them being vampires doesn't bother him one bit

virgil, the epitome of tumblr humor: bold of you to assume i wouldn't f**k a supernatural being

jokes aside, he does reveal to them that he couldn't care less about what species they were, just that they loved him and he loved them

and damn did virgil love those three idiots

roman: woah there, you might pull a muscle from all the i love you's you're spouting

virgil, sweating up a storm after showing the most emotional vulnerability in his life: sh*t u rite

jokes aside, they do form a sort of weird relationship where the three of them happily provide for virgil because virgil doesnt have the means to do so

it takes virgil a while to really get used to it since he's not used to accepting things from other people without giving back

he struggles for a little while becos he keeps trying to find ways to repay them for what they do for him but there's only so much he can do

eventually they have a conversation abt it and they're like babe honey sweetie no

patton: you give us your love and that's the absolute most important and priceless thing in the world!!!

virgil, known pessimist who cringes away from romantic gestures out of habit: sounds fake but ok

but like eventually they work it out in like a slowly but surely kind of way.

virgil learns to see money the same way the other three do (replaceable and pretty much worthless to vampires who have a large abundance of it) and the other three learn to kind of tone it down on the expensive gifts

virgil: im so glad you guys dont buy me really expensive things now

roman, sweating profusely as he hides the golden apple he had commissioned to be made especially for virgil: oH YEAH OFC HAHAHA

(logan, when roman had suggested getting virgil the golden apple: first of all, no??? in what way is that even romantic--)

omg imagine if virgil does the thing where he coops himself up in his room??? and then someone tries to get him to get out by pulling the blinds open to let in light??? and virgil hisses???

patton, having just let sunlight in, looking absolutely offended: OKAY FIRST OF ALL, you're not a vampire so don't take that tone of hiss with me--

someone is like teasing or bullying virgil abt his aesthetic and virgil is obviously getting uncomfortable, esp when they call him twilight (in reference to the vampire romance novel)

so one of the boys, probably roman, steps up and he's like 'the person you should call twilight is me' and he scares the bullies by flashing his eyes red and showing them his fangs

omg!!! roman doesn't have a reflection so virgil helps him put on make up or smth!!!

maybe virgil in this au is an artist so he paints a picture of all three of them so they know what they look like becos they dont show up on pictures and reflections

patton, gazing down at the picture: this is what true love feels like

logan, also feeling the same way: really? how unpleasant

logan:

logan: give me more

omg also logan having only really kept up with the intellectual side of history so he doesn't know abt memes and like stuff like that so virgil teaches him and he has his Flashcards™

iDK MAN JUST VAMPIRE BOYS BEING SOFT FOR EACH OTHER AND FOR THIS SMALL LITTLE HUMAN THEYVE PULLED UNDER THEIR (bat) WINGS

[azenta]

I think the reason your 3 fix typing doesnt make sense bc u said you feel unique already and don't have to prove anything is because 3 fixes don't think this way about themselves. 3 fixes feel they're not worthy unless they're achieving something. they have trouble understanding they're unique because they're worthy human beings and should stop trying to prove something. you may be a very healthy person who has learned self love but it takes years for 3 fixes to accept they're unique and worthy

u said you feel unique already and don't have to prove anything

I try to prove myself constantly to a point it's really dumb of me. I don't remember if I said I never felt like proving anything, but I can tell you if I did it's because I am conscious it's useless and more harmful to want to prove myself, but can't acknowledge I do so because I need to be "irreprochable". So, what I do doesnt match what I should be, thus a beautiful almighty Denial mechanism from me there.

Tho, I said I dont need to prove that I am unique, and this is true, I dont try to prove that i am unique. However, i don't claim i am unique in the sense that i am SO SPWECIAL compared to others, because I am aware that not only me but everyone else is unique. Claiming you are unique is not a 4 statement in itself anyway, like wtf. Needing to feel unique is a basic human need. We all need to feel we have something separating us from others, and all the need to also feel we are not alone and not TOO different either. However, 4s/fix developed a fear around that need, and fight the feeling(/belief) of being so normal that they are obsolete and totally unworthy of almost living. Or they have felt so different that they understood from it that it was problematic about them, and decided to embrace it as a counterphobic measure (thus their self deprecating annoying discourse). "Fuck yeah i am different, while all of you losers are just some sheeple without personality" or "i know i suck but at least i have a personality" is some 4 catchphrase i have heard unironically many times when they were on a reactive strike.  

3 fixes feel they're not worthy unless they're achieving something.

True. They seek being competent and capable, and do so by achieving things they deem are valuable (Je and IVs dependent).

They have trouble understanding they're unique

This is 4s, not 3s. 3s dont care about unicity on its own unless their unicity is an asset to make them do better and achieve excellence (3w4). Their unicity is a tool to stand out and be noticed for their greatness.

3s are cp like 4s, so they go and act against their inner belief of worthlessness. Both 3s (<< 3w4) and 4s ( << 4w3) pretend to be either better(3) or more unique(4) than they are. Both fear being bland and ordinary, of being a nobody. But 4s want to be acknowledged for how "unique they are" as a person, how them as an individual stands out and matter, while 3s want to be acknowledged for their "achievements and successes", for their excellence and Competency TM. 4s want recognition for their traits, for their personality itself, with their flaws and qualities (4w5 > 4w3), while 3s want recognition for their doing, they want to create an image of success, of something greater than they feel they are, that would make up for their flaws (3w2 > 3w4). 4s embrace their identities, 3s reject it ; until of course they become healthier and 4s learn that their flaws can be worked upon without losing authenticity (improvement -> 1) and 3s that their flaws are alright, that they don't need to prove others, the world even, that they do good despite their flaws, and that others are here to help, not to deter them from it because they are too worthless ( -> 6). 

You'd be righter to say 3w4 can feel more threatened on their uncity and have some cp reaction more so than their 3w2 counterparts, but 3w4 are less likely to feel attacked on unicity itself (vs 4w3) as they know they are ready to bend part of their identities to achieve whatever they want to and therefore know the limit of their unicity, and authenticity especially. 4s do not bend their identities, 4w3s will show off the part that makes them feel the most unique, but they won't by any mean hide any part of it. They want all their whole self to be acknowledged. 3s doesnt want you to know their shitty part, 3w4s are aware of those shitty flaws and will only present them if it makes them look better, ironically.

But still, 3w4s are likely to brush away anyone telling them they are a fake bitch because *cp voice* "I am better than you, and your opinion has no value, inSigINficAnt fOoL". In other words, attacking their unicity is more a low threat to their "excellence" and that's why they'll react, so not because of being fake, but more because fake = you suck, and 3s "do NOT suck", they are "the best". 

And well, if I retyped as a 3w4 fix I'll let you guess which fear and beliefs I noticed the most in me.

you may be a very healthy person who has learned self love but it takes years for 3 fixes to accept they're unique and worthy

It's been years. But of course, i still have a lot to do or else i wouldn't be on a burnout. Self-work is never completed, it's a work you have to do all your life. Still, it's my last fix, and with the amount of therapist apointment + my job that still also offers me apointments to take care of myself (not just offered to me tho), i can tell you it's not my last fix that is causing me the most problems in my life until now. Even i'd say, it's the one the least problematic and that caused me trouble only when i reach my limits and meet unhealthier levels. It's in part because of that burnout that i had to notice the image i tried to protect really wasn't about unicity, it was also about competency, about how much i was reliable and the best at what i master (x 1 x 5 influence here). "Look how much i fucking stand out because of how good i am" is the image i wanted to reflect.

I dont mind if you arent convinced that I am a 3 fix, and you are more than welcome to object yourself and argue furthermore if you want. I kinda like to explain stuff a bit too much, and the frustration to be doubted fuels me of motivation and energy, ironically.

[ladylyra]

I adore your Pokémon gijinkas! In fact you inspired me to draw some of my team lol, but what I came here to ask is do you have any backstory/summary about your swsh team like the one you gave to another person about your bw nuzlocke teammates?

ill be honest i dont have super detailed backstories for them but i definitely have character summaries!

kyle: you could say his “thing” is that he is really dumb but he certainly means well. hes always trying to make other people happy and wants nothing more than to have fun! he’s always looking onto the bright side of things and what he lacks in planning/forethought he makes up for with strength. i think he trusts others a bit too much, accepting Mura’s word with little question. he doesn’t hold back anything that is on his mind. felix is like his dad and when fleur entered the team last he was the first to try to include her because she was so shy, didn’t catch on that she liked him until a...while later. missy is his childhood friend but heidi is his best friend! his ‘dumbness’ is mostly just his impulsive tendencies combined with his optimism/unwavering trust. he will remember anything you tell him.

felix: the ‘team dad’ as i have appointed him. he spent a lot of time reigning in kyle and missy when they were younger and rlly does love them. as missy has grown up they spend a lot of time together and have tea a lot. hes more like her mentor now, always giving her advice and teaching her things, stuff like that. he gets annoyed pretty easily but he doesn’t, like, snap. i will jokingly call him a boomer bc he is a bit older and doesn’t keep in with the times or trends, and he can usually count on heidi to try to tell him about things (he’ll just nod along so he doesnt discourage her but he still doesnt understand honestly) i imagined he was a bit of a rebel in his nickit days before he had to wise up with two BABIES around and here he is now.

missy: she has a pretty stoic and femme persona, generally well liked by most who look at her, but she can be very callous and brash if she feels close enough to you. she likes to shame mura for causing drama but really she can be just as bad, just that nobody ever suspects her of anything. she’s not shy to the caliber of fleur, more bold even if shes reserved in her speech. the ‘mature one’ of her and kyle when they grew up, but would just observe his nonsense rather than stop him (this changing eventually as they got older.) she takes after felix a bit from observing him and being partially raised by him, although being an adult now she wishes to be viewed more as an equal than as a kid (luckily, he does!) she and heidi have a close relationship; missy originally felt heidi was someone she could be her ‘true self’ with until she realized heidi was looking for someone she could drop the punk vibes around, so basically the complete opposite for the both of them. theres a happy medium in there somewhere.

mura: you basically know mura the moment you look at mura. he likes to cause trouble and be a general hindrance to normal life for anyone around him with few to no exceptions. felix hates him but hes too valuable a power to the team to ever make leave. one of his favorite hobbies is telling kyle false facts that he will then spread. theres little that can bother him, besides heidi. they both have the incredible skill of being the only people that can trouble the other. it’s kind of a love/hate relationship and a months long game that neither will give up on. the only person he cant fool is missy and the only person he wont try to mess with is fleur because despite his love of antagonizing others, theres no real joy in making someone cry (at least not fleur.) he likes to act like hes bothered by her friendliness toward him but its kind of...nice. it makes him ALMOST feel bad he messes with kyle daily.

heidi: kind of what you’d expect of a toxtricity; punk rock, loves loud noise, always trying to have fun (like kyle! they became fast friends.) the only difference is that she really isn’t all this. she feels kind of embarrassed that she can be just as traditionally ‘girly’ despite her aesthetic, and isn’t as forthcoming with these traits. she hides her love of cute things and is sad that fleur seems to be scared of her at times (they’re working on it.) and as of now missy is the only one she can be slightly open with. her back and forth relationship with mura is of note, and while it does involve a lot of teasing, i think by this point there is some understanding that there’s more than that. they work incredibly well together in battle and when times get tough they would consider eachother allies. there’s some very evident flirting at times, but neither are into something serious. heidi seems to attract admirers wherever she goes (to which she happily accepts them.)

fleur: oh fleur. just a little baby. she was the last to join the team and found it very hard to find a place for herself, so she opted for not merging at all. she mostly just admired the synergy of everyone else and kept to herself. it wasn’t like she didn’t want to find friends, but she could never push herself into the spotlight. one individual she admired as well as began crushing on rather severely was kyle; i jokingly call her a morosexual but really she really values his optimism and spirit, since she lacks both of those things, in her opinion. for a while all she did was kind of observe him from afar because she didn’t know how to approach him, but he eventually caught on and began including her himself. it’s a bit overwhelming at times, but he did help her a lot in blending in better with the team--now its kind of like hes the one observing her, making sure she’s comfortable and alright. heidi tried a similar approach and being friendly with her, but fleur is admittedly intimidated by heidi much to the girl’s disappointment. she’s warming up to mura, using what little optimism she’s learning to have to help improve her relationships. missy and her get along pretty well; missy is trying to get her out of her shell by slowly but surely sharing her troublemaking tendencies with her.

[wwounu]

mafia!jeonghan “YOON” #11

↻ masterlist — intro￤s.coups￤yoon￤hong￤wen￤hoshi￤jeon￤woozi￤dk￤kim￤xu￤boo￤chwe￤lee

traitor

member of Venor Unit

his role is more of a spy, however jeonghan likes the term ‘traitor’ more than anything

there are many rumours about him

only a handful have been picked to be debunked as true or false

for years he’s still been rumoured whether or not hes a member of seventeen

surprise surprise, he is

and the story of how he was recruited was one he’d never forget

because who would forget his missing nineteen-year old childhood friend climbing up to the top of his penthouse, at 1:27 in the morning, and suddenly break and walk into your bedroom like it’s no big deal?

in other words, he wasn’t pleased to see his dearest seungcheol

his friend was talking about all sorts of nonsense the moment he startled awake: japan, gangs, tattoos,, bad haircuts,,, poisoned ice cream??

this wasnt the seungcheol he remembered

so with mixed feelings, jeonghan told seungcheol to crash on his bed while jeonghan would take the couch and asking seungcheol to take a shower because he looked like he came back from a fight with a shark

when morning came seungcheol was trying to explain jeonghan about the wonderful complicated world of mafia business

but jeonghan had none of it — it sounded unreal

on top of that he was more fussed over seungcheol leaving for two years and not telling his own friend about it

with all this anger building inside him, mainly due to the stress of trying to get his head around this whole... thing, he told seungcheol to leave and go back home

seungcheol gave a look at him, a hard look, before he sighed and stormed out of the place

jeonghan didnt miss the small ‘no one ever stops to listen to someone like me’ under seungcheol’s breath

and never in their friendship they brought light upon their many differences, so it kinda tugged on jeonghan’s heartstrings

it saddened him knowing he didn’t give the welcome his friend wanted but at the time he thought he was in the right

then for the next two weeks, seungcheol was desperately trying to get jeonghan to join his ‘mafia’

(mafia in asteriks, because jeonghan wasn’t having any of his bullshit)

through messages, messy letters, he even received a collection post-it notes stuck around his penthouse without traces of who did this even though he fully knew well who it was 

and that night jeonghan was paranoid that seungcheol would randomly break in again

then the desperation for help stopped for the next month

although jeonghan did enjoy the attention from his best friend and wanted to continue this ‘fun’ game, he began to grow concerned

his best friend disappeared without a trace. again.

the cope was harder to deal with this time, because the insignificant thought about seungcheol truly being a mafia boss was becoming the host of his nightmares

you best believed the utter shock on his face when he saw seungcheol sat beside his door around midnight

hood up, dirty head to toe and one nasty cut on his lip and cheek

jeonghan was supposed to go to a party, but that priority was ignored straight away

he takes seungcheol in, aiding the cuts before doing anything else

as jeonghan would expect from the man, seven year old seungcheol would be screaming ugly noises with snot running down along his tears

but this other seungcheol didn’t flinch at the pressure of the alcohol touching his skin, and looked in every direction to avoid jeonghan

that — thankfully — hadn’t changed

seungcheol always payed attention to his surroundings when he doesnt want to be in a situation. it happened a lot with his father

so jeonghan asks why he looks like shit

and all the anxieties rush to his brain as the thought of his lash of anger to seungcheol caused the latter to end up like this

questions like when did he last eat?, where did he stay?, did i do this?

but seungcheol started explaining himself

something about these high schoolers ganging up on a sixteen year old in their school because of his looks, seungcheol stood up for this said ‘sixteen year old’ and found the four-against-one fight fair play until they brought out knives and seungcheol was like youve got to be kidding me

and suddenly, one thing led to another and the sixteen year old lit a tree on fire???? and he lifted a stray branch, took out a lighter, then lit it before storming to the high schoolers with a maniac-like look on his face

and the kid was then gone as he chased the high schoolers away

seungcheol had never been more confused

but he had to get out as there was still the,,, burning tree there,,,,,,

and when he finished his story, he paused, falling silent again and sort of bitterly saying ‘sorry, half of the things i say sound unbelievable now’

and jeonghan is a bit offended but he wasn’t going to push seungcheol away yet again

so jeonghan tells him that he believes him and at first seungcheol kept arguing that he’s bluffing for his sake

surprised, jeonghan reassures him again and again to get it through seungcheol’s head that he’s going to join him because he’s going through a hard time, anyone can see that

remaining silent, seungcheol nods before he manages out a thanks

they apologise and forgive each other, and later that night seungcheol tells everything — and i mean everything — about his family and the mafia

it was a heavy night for seungcheol

which brings us to today

since jeonghan was born into a rich family, it made seungcheol’s job way more easier than it was as jeonghan had higher class connections with others while his friend kept lowkey

he can have news alerted to him quickly like updates on parties, social events, scandals, some juicy affairs here and there, all that corrupt high-society crap

and he gets the odd word about some mafias in korea, making it his duty to report all of it back to seungcheol

with seungcheol’s command, he does whatever he instructs him to do, which is to spy on any updates of the situation

hence why he’s always out at fancy social-events

its truly a bore though. he’d rather sleep in

you may think he’s just acting naive most of the time — but he’s listening to every word and every moment he can sink in all around him

the highlight of the night is when everyone gets drunk, which is the perfect time to hear their dark secrets and use his sweet-talk

effortlessly finds a way to manipulate his way to invite himself and seventeen, who’d he’d call associates, to any banquet whenever he senses dirty work will commence

his pretty-boy looks usually do the trick ‘seventeen’s pretty boy’, the group calls him

makes the time to take care of the member’s schedules and invitations to these places, even going to the extent to make replica invitations

creates a plan of how the members enter so that they wouldn’t be seen together and raise eyebrows

particularly during these events, other suspicious men try to keep a close eye on jeonghan due to the rumours of his relation to the seventeen mafia

yet they’re wasting their time because he’s never in one place and socialises with many people

often when he strays on his own, he explores the area and wanders from room after room to find anything else valuable

normally reports to wonwoo what he finds through an earpiece

‘i found a diary’

‘youre going to open it arent you’

‘risqué, she keeps a taser and a ton of money in her lingerie set’

‘dont take the money’

‘wasnt going to’

‘jeonghan drop the roll of money right now’

‘... fine’

‘okay’

‘i took the taser instead!’

did i mention that he needs to ‘borrow’ a belonging as his souvenir for the places he visits

and because of junhui, he has semi-mastered the skill to hide all evidence

also pretty much hates it when he’s rushed, needs to take his tiem with everything (excluding when they’re in grave danger then that’s different)

mouth runs a lot so when he really needs information to be spilt, he exposes other lowkey scandals to get the information he needs

this is where he gets his traitor title from

if he’s framed as a traitor, he turns the tables around and either puts the blame on someone else or on the person calling him a traitor

he’s grown up in this corrupt class and knows all the dirty ins and outs of it

when he feels like he’s being interrogated to spill information, he takes control of the conversation and does subtle things like asking for things usually pouting when doing so or complimenting on one thing before discussing something completely off topic

he can never expose seventeen and will never expose them even if he’s dying 

another off-topic fact, he calls people babe a lot

mainly because it makes people feel a certain way, but its jeonghan’s self-acclaimed magic word

that word does things

is also a part of A Team, but due to the fact jeonghan is always busy, they dont work together as often as they used to

looking at soonyoung, wonwoo and jeonghan, you wouldn’t think of them to be that close but they’ve had history

out of all of seventeen, he’s the weakest in terms of weaponry since he’s basically just a informant to seventeen

therefore his choice of weapon are usually used by the closest thing to him

prefers glass as his choice of weapon if he had to choose, so because of this minghao frequently gives him smashed wine bottles for jeonghan’s use

a bit of a brat

but seventeen never mentions it

loves seeing people beg in front of him, especially when theyre desperate

this might be because he likes attention on him

teasing and poking fun at them gives him the greatest joy, it leaves him so satisfied but also wanting more

normally after difficult jobs done by the whole group, when Perficio Unit are clearing up the last of the evidence and killing the last of their suffering enemies, jeonghan skips in to take a wonder around too

Perficio Unit let him because its jeonghan

blood is soaked everywhere, many men are on the floor, some dead, possibly not, and their fancy suits all ruined while the four males finishing the job play jazz music on blast as they take care of the remains

just another job for seventeen

and jeonghan inspects each face, making sure the fear is their eyes while theyre slowly dying from blood loss. if they arent, then jeonghan pulls a gun out of his pocket and points it at them, getting the reaction he wants

(the gun was full of blanks anyway, what’s there to be scared about??)

decides to steal a wristwatch from one of the men and gets told off by the unit because they now have to get rid of jeonghan’s dirty fingerprints for stealing the accessory

loves it even more when Perficio Unit are in the middle of an interrogation (on most occasions they lead the questioning) back in their hideout and pops down to see how their ever-so suffering victim is hanging in there

generally summoned down if 1. wonwoo is busy or 2. they need the victim to speak a bit more

jeonghan doesn’t play once he comes down — but its inevitable that he’ll make sure that he gets the satisfaction that he wants from the person held captive

will stay until theyre sweating and crying in a mix of blood and tears and they are begging in front of his feet while tied up. he wont stop the torture unless the person confesses truthfully to what Perficio Unit ask and feel numb around their whole body that it hurts

uses the taser he stole in addition to let the pain sink in even more, also decorated the taser to have stickers of a halo and wings to look like an angel

when they get the answer they want, it’s a job well done for jeonghan

and when the victim thinks its all over, jeonghan sweetly grins one last time to them, turning foot because, really, he cannot do anything to the poor soul

he shrugs and walks, searching in his back pocket for a gun a filled one this time, twirling it around his fingers before handing it to one of the unit members

without skipping a beat, he smiles, whispering ‘enjoy’ and leaving them to do their job

needs the members as much as the members needs him

a perfect balance

“Somebody said it means imperfection and danger”

[littlemisssquiggles]

RWBY Musings #64: A Squiggles Meister’s Views on the potential parallels between the RWBY V3 and V6 finales.

I’ve been saying this for a while now but I believe the CRWBY Writers might be gearing us fans up to have the V6 finale pay homage to the epic V3 finale or at least that’s my theory. So if I had to guess the parallels to V3 that might pop up during the V6 finale, here’s what I think they’ll be:

 Grimm Rampage through Vale ------ Grimm Rampage through Argus

During V3, the City of Vale got rampaged by hordes of Grimm including one colossal Grimm Dragon. I have been wondering what the point of the Wall of Argus was alluding to. I still stand by my previous hunch that something is going to come from beyond the wall to rampage the city. Either that’s the case or the one in my next parallel.

Grimm Dragon from Mountain Glenn ----- Grimm Hecatonchire from the Wall of Argus

A bit of a stretch but what if… there’s secretly a Grimm Titan like a Hecatonchire Grimm that’s secretly hidden inside the Wall of Argus. Since Cordo preached about her Atlesian ancestors helping to form Argus, imagine if those same ancestors put Grimm inside the Wall of Argus or built the city around one that’s been dormant for centuries just like the Grimm Dragon.

In the series, Attack on Titan, it was revealed in a later season that there were Titans in the actual walls that were supposed to keep humanity safe from the Titans. Imagine how cool it would be if a Grimm Hecatonchire suddenly immerged from the Wall of Argus in the same fashion as the Grimm Dragon in V3 and similar to its Dragon counterpart, it also brings forth legions of Grimm to prey on the innocent civilians of Argus, forcing the Argus Military to cease their pursuit of our heroes and take immediate charge to protect the citizens of Argus.

Huntsman vs Atlesian Paladins-----Huntsmen vs Atlesian Megazord

In V3, we got all the main huntsmen from different academies working together to defend Beacon against the swarm of corrupted Atlesian Paladins. Now in V6, it seems C10 set up out heroes who, may not be from different academies but represent the diversity of the kingdoms in a sense (minus Vacuo) going toe to toe against Cordo and her Atlesian Megazord.

Weiss Summons Armor Gigas against the Paladins---Weiss summon Armor Gigas against Cordo

In V3, we got Weiss summoning part of her Armour Gigas for the first time. Right now, Weiss’s trademark summon is the only thing that can grow to a size big enough to give Cordo’s giant megazord a run for its money provided she has the aura levels to do so. I’m sure if Jaune were to amplify Weiss’ aura, the same way he did with her last season and at the start of V6 with Ren, we could get our first ever giant robot vs giant armoured summon fight in the history of RWBY.

Velvet Weapon Reveal ----- Oscar Weapon Reveal

Need I say more? V3 was the first time we saw Velvet’s weapon and her semblance I think too in action. Who knows? If we play our cards right we might finally see what the Oz-cane can do at its true power because as a Pinehead, I have definitely been wondering what tricks to the Oz-cane Oz was talking about back in V5.

Cinder killed Ozpin ---- Neo kills Oscar

Now before my fellow Pineheads come at me with them pitchforks for daring to even theorize this, let me explain my hunch. What if…on the same level as Adam’s reappearance, Cinder Fall also shows her face in Argus and she targets Ruby as expected. So Cinder overpowers Ruby with Neo’s help and just as Neo is about the deal the final blow to Ruby, Oscar jumps in and takes it for her, right through the heart.

I have been hearing this whole thing about Neo doing something to make the fandom hate her going around for a while and I’ve even had one or two fellow FNDM come to me with the theory of Neo harming Oscar. Well here’s my rendition of that theory. What if…Neo goes in for the kill on Ruby but Oscar daringly jumps infront of Ruby to shield her and takes it. So Oscar is there on the ground on the cusp of death. Maybe to make the situation even more dramatic, he straight up does die in Ruby’s arms, shocking her and the fandom.

Then after Oscar technically dies, instead of going to the afterlife as one would expect or reincarnating, Oscar shockingly winds up in the Realm between Realms where he meets the God of Darkness, similar to how God of Light met with Ozma. To Oscar’s surprise, a reluctant Ozpin is also present. The God of Darkness then offers the two souls something neither could refuse. He offers them the chance to undo what his brother did centuries ago. As it turns out, the whole reincarnation thing was all Light’s idea because he still believed in humanity and that they could change.

His brother felt the opposite but he did want to entertain himself a bit with his brother’s immortal pet. So he offers both Ozpin and Oscar the chance to undo his brother’s curse so that they may return to their normal lives free of having to be revived to continue his brother’s dirty work. 

But he only offers the deed to one. In order to decide who gets to return to the land of the living, God of Darkness forces Oscar and Ozpin to fight each other one and one to see which soul gets revived only. And to Oscar’s surprise, Ozpin actually wants to fight him so that he can finally be free. So the two souls fight. Of course, Oscar wins and gets to go back but this time he’ll be revived by himself as himself. No longer will he have Ozpin’s voice inside of his head. He’ll be his own person again. He’ll be…alone; a comment made by a grief stricken Ozpin.

It’d be interesting if we could get an equivalent of Oscar calling out Ozpin in the same manner Ruby did to Qrow in V6 C10. Oscar scolds Ozpin for his words implying that he’s never been alone. He’s always had his people. His friends and so does Oscar and so long as they accept him and wish to keep fighting, so will he until his dying breath. His last dying breath in his now only life.

The God of Light’s curse was bestowed so that Ozma was never alone during his cycle but Oscar would be revived as himself without Ozpin. He will be the last incarnate. The last life. The last Wizard of Light. So as Ozpin goes to the afterlife, Oscar returns to the real world where he returns as himself to continue the good fight.

This parallel will probably not happen at all. Definitely not. But as always, I wanted to toss it out there just to entertain myself at the possibility, y’know what I mean?

Team JNPR dies with Pyrhha ---- Team JNPR is reborn with Oscar

Ya’ll know I’ve been saying this since the beginning, right? Ya’ll know how much I want that Team JNPR Revival with Oscar replacing Pyrhha right? I feel like these past two episodes are slowly gearing up to have this happen. Though I didn’t particularly enjoy C9, it did give me my biggest indicators of Jaune asking Oscar to join JNR. 

That Pyrhha closure for JNR. Jaune mentioning in his own words how valuable Oscar is to the team. Bruh, at this point, I’m just waiting for this to come. I’m waiting on this conversation.

Cinder killed Pyrhha----Jaune kills Cinder

This one I’m a little iffy about. I know I’ve been waiting for Jaune to have Justice for Pyrhha moment with Cinder but after C9 I don’t think Jaune will be as angry to kill Cinder anymore. I mean, if Cinder turns into a Grimm monster or gets eaten by a Grimm only to fuse with said Grimm making her less human. Then I can see Jaune being the one to deal the final blow on Grimm Cinder. I’ve said this before too. If anyone deserves to kill Cinder, it’s Jaune.

I doubt the Writers will make him kill her as human but…if she turns into a Grimm then it’s a bigger possibility but that’s just me.

Adam vs Blake and Yang ----- Adam vs Blake and Yang The Remix

Duh. Just duh. This doesn’t even need to be on the list because it’s something the season has been alluding to all volume. Plus C10 already showed it happening. The only twist I can think of from this fight is if Adam dying at the end. I know some people like Adam as a character (like EruptionFang) but I really feel the Writers might be setting up for V6 to be Adam’s curtain call.

I can’t see Adam moving forward, not after the focus he’s been given this season. It’ll be interesting if Adam ends up dying in a similar fashion to Gaston from the Beauty and the Beast. Like he tries to stab Blake but ends up missing and falling to his death. Or maybe he ends up caught on the ledge and Blake tries to help him. Like I’m picturing Adam on the ledge with Blake offering him her hand only for Adam to refuse and fall to his death or something. That’s my hunch.

Then after the Adam fight is one and he’s no longer a thorn in their lives, the Bumblebee could finally have their closure with that. Who knows? Maybe they might make Bumblebee have a moment in the V6 finale. Instead of Blake crying over Yang getting hurt, it’s the two smiling at each other after being found safe together. Maybe they might even kiss, who knows? I’m not a Bumblebee shipper but if a kiss somehow happens between these two gals, I won’t be shocked. I can expect Yang to kiss Blake revealing she’s in love with her.

Again, I ship BlackSun but Bumblebee peaks my curiosity particularly with how Yang sees Blake. I’ve always viewed the Bees as being a ship driven by Yang mostly. Ironic since Yang’s motorcycle is also named Bumblebee. Any Bumblebee hints or vibes I’ve gotten throughout the seasons came mostly from Yang. I think Yang might care for Blake in the romantic sense. Blake I’m not sure about.

I don’t know if Bumblebee is in the cards. All I know is that I think the series has kind of dropped one or two hints about Yang’s true feelings that I’m waiting to see addressed in some shape or form in this remix rematch battle. If all the Bees do is hug then cool. But if they kiss, I’m just saying I won’t be shocked. But that’s just me.

 Arkos First Kiss ---- Renora First Kiss

Nothing serious, I just want to see these two kids kiss finally. And what would be great is if Nora and Ren kiss after the group save Argus. The Arkos first kiss was bittersweet because it was Pyrhha’s last chance to let the boy she loves know how she felt about him before she sacrificed herself. A Renora after battle kiss would mean hope and happiness. For Pete’s sake, it’s been six seasons, let these two kiss already you cowards!

Alrighty then, I think that’s all the parallels I have in mind. If I think of anymore I’ll add them to the list later. For now, enjoy guys!

More Squiggles’ RWBY Content

~LittleMissSquiggles (2018)  

[thingsifindinthedark]

musings on depersonalization, tiny inner wars, sinking into myself

Good morning. 

It’s 9:22. 

I woke up hours later than I intended and there are no consequences. 

I think there is a reasonable, humble very human part of me that has slowly been attempting to take the reins. 

This reasonable part of me lives in my body and sees things for what they are and doesn’t take other people’s actions personally. She knows she makes mistakes and isn’t perfect, but also knows she is worthy of love and inherently good. 

She snoozed my alarm 10 times not because she is lazy, but because she knew I didn’t need to get up at 6:00 am today and if my body wants more sleep maybe it needs it.

She is the reason I am writing in bed (well, on my mattress on the floor with my matcha. She grounds me so I can see the very few things that really matter: Love for myself and others, wellbeing of my self and others, creativity and self expression, the desire to grow and evolve. 

She is up against a lot though. Most moments involve a fight. A fight with my brain and my conditioning and the ways I have sought to control my anxiety for 20 years. When my mind drives the car:

I wake up immediately frantic. It may be 6 am but I am somehow late - I am already behind on everything (even though I am working from home at my own pace and have nothing firm except a meeting literally 6 hours from now) that doesn’t matter, I am late. 

The mess around my room viscerally hurts me. It isn’t just the annoyance of visual clutter, the loss of my calming, deliberate aesthetic, it reminds me I’m a failure. Every hoodie I step over, the pieces of my bed frame, still not assembled, in boxes by the wall; they all remind me how far from perfect I am. 

Lately I think a lot about how I am changing on a cellular level. I am creating new neural pathways in my brain, and reconstructing the chaotic content of my gut, where so much of our serotonin and other necessary parts of our emotional existence reside.  

When I live in reality, my feet firmly planted on the earth, I see that for what it is: remarkable and difficult, and enough. Getting through each day in one piece and also finding a way to do some relevant work toward my future and my art is so enough. In fact it’s heroic to decide to change the things that you cannot live with, whatever they may be. 

But nearly every second, I have to push past my wiring- the story my body has always carried around, we all have one, woven so deeply in us that we do not consciously have to think it- it just permeates - often indistinguishable from “reality.” Mine tends to go like this:

“Hurry. If you don’t do it all better and faster, something terrible will happen. Don’t leave any cracks in your day, in your sentences, in your behaviors, because you don’t know what sinister thing could seep in.” 

“Hurry. And don’t show anyone your sweat - make it look easy, because that is what you are supposed to do, and that is the armor that keeps you safe. If you do it all perfectly, no one can ask you questions you might not be able to answer- questions that pick away at this veil and might get at the humanness that is too raw - too uncomfortable to share.”

“The other shoe will drop. Beat it to the punch.”

I am nearly eight years into therapy (a fact I’m proud of) and I recognize that pattern as anxiety and complex post traumatic stress. But its also just a reflection of how we live. I felt like I was better at being a person than other people at times when I particularly skilled at hiding my messy humanness. 

It felt like if I wanted to be admired - I could not truly be known. Now I know the opposite is true - I admire those I truly know the most, those that do not pretend they achieved whatever they have achieved without pain and sweat, without support or privilege if it was there, or without self consciousness and many moments where they were sure they would fail. Without moments shame. 

But I am frustrated that that won’t just fully sink in and sink in quickly. The temptation to pretend I have all figured out is always lurking, despite the rewards and relief I have already felt by sharing my mess. 

It’s a wake up call that I worry makes me sound like a conspiracy theorist- the realization that it will always take effort not to put the armor back on because this world rewards that. And that I will put it on again sometimes and that’s ok. It will be less frequent. It will be at times and with people where maybe a little more armor is called for. 

But I know there will not be an inner war in every interaction - a sticky note taped upside my brain that says “don’t hide” that I look at every 5 seconds. and another that says “you’re safe, you’re safer than you know” and another that says “stop tensing your psoas.” 

It takes a slow waking up, pouring my thoughts into words or music to feel like I am actually here. Not floating somewhere above myself, my brain existing like a buzzing swarm of bees, flying in various directions. 

As I wrap up this writing, I am thinking about the dream I had last night. 

Several times in the past year I have dreamt that I am finding my way toward a beach by way of a twisty, jungle lined back road in a car that breaks down. One time I made it to the beach but then immediately had to leave. I think I had an audition...last night I broke down again on the way there, outside a cafe.

I met a dentist who let me borrow his car. I met up with friends at a museum that was set up to look like the set of a 70′s high school movie that doesnt exist, but was a big deal in the world of the dream. 

I was wearing the leather pants that I, in reality gave away over a year ago, and I was worried that throughout the day they would hurt my stomach. 

Sometimes it felt like an experience I was living, and sometimes it felt like a movie I was watching. 

That feels about right, as a filmmaker learning to live in the present and depersonalize a little less. 

However, books and thinkers I like who combine science and spirituality have made me value the world inside my head and inside my body more - and stop telling myself it is any less valid than what is happening in my “real” life. It may be less tangible, but it is often more meaningful and significant toward my growth and healing than the activities I do during any given day. 

I have worked to tame the anxiety, and in it’s place allow for the noticing of sensations and the creative interpretation of them- the chance to make meaning there. 

I feel safe here now- in the world of my writing- under a blanket, my electric massager pad rolling along against my knotty back muscles, keeping myself connected to my body via sensations other than pain. 

I picture leaving this moment and having to decide how to take on my day, what to do first. The work. The mess. The decisions about food that are filled with dread. The fear about my doctor’s appointment tomorrow. 

My body tenses in the usual places in preparation - preparation to set itself aside, stuff down the feelings that are hard because I never learned to go through them to the other side. They get stored up in my body, like data on an old hard drive. 

I would love to live in slow motion. Staying with every inkling of a feeing that arises throughout the day, giving it the attention and nurturing that a loving mother would give a child, until it is ready move along - to- be expressed, shared, grow into something else, or simply dissipate into the ether. I remind myself I can do that. I can go slower. I can process both what is stored up and what I am newly facing.

The things in the near future (directing two projects, embracing my social life more, a new form of trauma therapy, new doctors appointments and the flashbacks those conjure) they don’t truly require the disassociated version of me that I think they do. In fact they are infinitely better if I am fully present.

They may require me to move quickly, but I don’t have to crank up the adrenaline and disown my body. I may have to do creative work while foggy or in pain, an experience in itself which has become traumatic and re-enforced the idea that to be valuable I must leave my body and felt sensed behind- but I will leave my body or shame it. I will lie to myself about being in pain or smile bigger than I have to. 

 I will say hello pain. You are here. Work is also here. You are both here. You are both real. You will both at some point, fade away again.  

nayyirah waheed (quote and illustration below)

[whimsically-ominously-auspice]

If you don't agree, don't go

You can go to the state website and petition the state remove statues and do a shit ton of other things

I have said I don't agree with the removal of statues

One for the unknown true history

Secondly it's extremely dangerous

Statues are not designed to be removed, they're very heavy and made to withstand natural disasters and more.

People get wild and it's usually a lot of chaos and rarely fully organized

People use trucks to wreck into statues to destabilize them or to wrap the chains around to pull them down

The statues themselves become projectiles which csn then harm, maim, destroy and kill others.

A statue falling down will break, sending pieces of it flying and into the bodies of bystanders.

The guy with the skateboard in the video was attacking the guy with the gun to stop him from shooting and of course he was shot.

A better method would been asking him to remove the weapon and place it in his car. That was not shown on the video.

That doesnt mean that he deserved to be shot.

Guns have no place at places like these. In what brain frequency do you use that you would consider carrying a live fire arm to a rally by hand?

I see his outfit wasn't prepped for wearing a belt and so on but he could wore a shoulder harness to keep it holster

I also saw he had a small snub nose spinner barrel which to load takes a significant amount of time as opposed to inserting a magazine clip for s gun such as a glock or other type.

I prefer people have a loaded clip seperate from their gun if they will carry because it's safer for everyone and does require thinking twice,before shooting.

It literally takes seconds. Civilians are not trained to recognize life and death situations.

I'm,not saying that those that are trained know how to handle,but I'm saying it's,safer for,everyone to think twice before shooting

If it is a serious situation requiring shooting it does allow,that valuable time to set your eyes on the suspect while loading, most successful gun handlers can load while not looking.so to load while eyeing and locating target should allow calmness to overcome and allow a better shot

If i was a gun toter i would prefer to have my gun with me, of course. But brain use is important.

Obviously I'm not going to have it out.

Unless I'm going to use it.

If I have it, I wouldn't have it where it would be easily taken. Like just in my hand or on my back in a harness. I would have it protected so that I would have it available so that I could use it to protect me

So this guy should had been, disarmed as it would easily been able to since he was just holding it like a moron.

I'm not going to judge the individual actions.

Obviously this situation did not go well.

And obviously some things could gone different

Had Mr Skate board tried to disarm him before he moved, hit him in the gun to get it -- he could have shot someone in the crowd.

What he did was cause the moron with the gun to flee.

Did he know if he had a big van with a bazooka? No. Not if he wasn't CIA or a civilian paying close attention to intuition. But he did So he did go and attack him again.

Unfortunately then the moron decided to discharge his weapon 4 times. It is said.

And the person protecting the crowd with his green skateboard was shot.

There was a small crowd and luckily it was a round barrel which does only hold about 5 shots.

Thus making it a safer type of weapon as opposed to a clip which holds 8 or more.

The smaller crowd was in,extreme danger but the small crowd vs the large crowd is the #1 is the small crowd was following or was aware that he had a gun.

The larger crowd looking at the statue and their,friends and etc were not aware of the danger.

It doesn't mean the smaller group deserved to be shot -- it means they were aware so they were in active flight or fight.

So they were in their choice mode and in their civil liberties mode using their anger or fear wisely as possible.

So to engage the moron while he was in active flight or fight was fine but again at that situation, verbal discussion could have been used to prevent the shooting.

Like I said I'm not going to judge. He could been shot direct in the gut and killed instantly or the guy may been going to get larger automatic weapons with more ammunition.

And I am informed he was actually going to get more ammunition and weapons

I still feel that a de-escalation process could have been used to protect the Mr Skateboard.

At the same time no one else was harmed but him and the situation was resolved safely in all other ways.

So I can't judge as hindsight is 2020 and I was not there and obviously from what I was told a mass shooting was prevented

I don't like,heroes being shot at and being shot.

Because I can see an alternative doesn't mean that his actions,were any less Good.

I only look for an alternative because he, as the Hero was shot.

However it was very controlled and only he was shot.

Thus psychologically, Mr Skateboard had distracted the moron from his,task at,mass shooting enough to stop,him from doing so.

He blew,through almost,all,his rounds and,he knew,he would,need,his last round, or two in order to protect himself

Thus,he could,not shoot randomly into,the crowd

Then apparently he was held under citizens arrest until the cops came. Which could had caused another victim but it was successful. From news reports lacking information of another victim

So overall it was successful.

As I said I prefer my people not be shot. But they do wear bullet proof materials which is why they are fully covered head to toe just like Mr Skateboard was.

If he was carrying an automatic weapon with more ammunition then protocol is different than what did occur.

But a 5 to 6 bullet gun and with his clothing it could be seen what more he was likely holding... Its more important to instigate flight mode as opposed to killing instantly in the crowd of people.

Same with knives and so on

Removal is primary. Thus it cuts down on visibility and the PTSD and other sickness the crowd can suddenly be subdued to.

Most people whom want to mass shoot need secrecy. They need to not be identified and seen. So we identify and we notify they're seen. Hopefully flight occurs and not shooting.

So this was perfect as that is What occurred.

Mr Skateboard was the primary y'all saw.

But there were at least 10 more swarming to stand between the shooter and the crowd so they could be shot and not random people in the crowd. Those were unseen Heroes.

Not to only stand there and be shot But to disarm and deesclatate to protect everyone else.

My people are not actually taught to speak to destabilize or deesclatate. They have their research. They knew who he was and what was in his cargo van. They knew he must be removed from the streets.

To verbiage with him would to "befriend" him and not usually cause enough for arrest. It would be considered FBI work and not CIA work.

What i would said was "you need to put your gun in your pocket. People will kill you for having it out. There's a guy right over there on the other side in a pink shirt ready to kill anyone that looks like you. Hurry put it away"

Then i would killed him myself when he went back to his cargo van, where there was no to few witnesses. I probably would made up the color but i know at least 4 people would been staring at us hard so when he looked up he would been immediately intimidated. And the more he looked for the pink shirt that didn't exist the more hate he would see being stared back at him and he would stay less time.

And so thats why we don't teach or promote verbalige. It involves the heart. It means putting down a guard to where your own heart is exposed and you must in that moment truly care about that person.

Sure acting is applicable. But over time acting warps the mind and i dont want anyone to get mentally warped by my jobs. Action needs to be done and that action is disturbing enough, its the most mentally disturbing even for the most hardened minds.

So adding in words to twist shit. It isn't worth it to me.

But in this particular case i can see where word games would worked.

Now. The point in this case where it's different so its good... That our man was shot... Although not good.

Its public. The man was arrested. He happened to have previously ran for counsel for the state. He was a political candidate.

This is the year of the big Votes! (Rockthevote.org - register. Voting is this November!)

And so now everyone can see how critical their votes are this November.

Had we done it the way i know would prevented my working Hero to be injured -- no one would known. It would never been in the news. It would been a total secret CIA mission i may have off handed mentioned later one time to answer why he was missing. Because last time,he was seen was here with a cargo van full of weapons including a bazooka and.... You fill in the rest. Yeah.

So for political reasons and the election coming and intuitive and Great Tree advice it's very critical that it did occur this way -- for the public.

So what happened is that our Heroes leveled up. It was not that small Group of people in New Mexico it protected. But potieniently the whole entire world. All of our Heroes, Not just Mr Skateboard. By default he gets extra love and attention. And hey he deserves it. He fell and was shot. I know he's bruised and hurt. So he deserves that extra love and praise and all. But no one deserves any less. They all deserve all we got.

So it's very important to remember that bad people will volunteer or try to be in the government and do extra jobs in order to filter in their evil deeds.

People could say that i do it. And that is fine to see the process that looks like it. Because i do plan to insert what i want into the world. I do, 100%

And if you think paradise at an affordable price for all is evil then so be it.

So once again i thank my team and wish them all healthy well and safe. And extra healings to Mr Skateboard.

Now as far as my group being at a place I don't agree with the events taking place.

It doesn't matter. There are people just there whom are curious. And innocent.

They need protecting.

My people research areas people will be and they go where people will be.

People with people. That's all.

I hope you understand that.

My people will protect the idiot pulling the chain to destroy the statue from a random person as well as a mom and her children just experiencing history in,the making.

My people will not protect the idiot from himself nor the cops. If the,statue falls and he gets hurt and if no one else helps -- they must wait to allow others to assist, If no one else will then my team can render first aid if it is absolutely necessary unless it's time of death then they may go first to accelerate that.

But if it's a truly innocent idiot then they will help the person and tend the wounds until medic arrives.

If the cops intervene and want to arrest the idiot my people will stand back. Otherwise if it were me, they would intervene.

Like if I went and just got tired of watching them struggle and went over and said this is how you do it -- which my team also will do if the statue is in the progress and there is partial success and there's a danger, they may take over to help the statue falling with less damage and much safer for people around.

But an organiser that is doing it with ignorant destruction is not protected.

The organiser attracts all kinds of people. Innocent. People watching history. And evil..

So my good go to protect all. From mass casualties.

Then as each individual evil is extracted from the mass crowd they treat them as they individually deserve.

The group is protected as though they're all angels. As demons show themselves or people point them out then they're looked into the eyes and their karma is given.

That is their job.

So as I said it's difficult enough

To add engagement and to use the heart as opposed to physical force then can damage my CIA members.

They are CIA. CIA Is action orientated

FBI is verbal, talk.

Police are both as well as military

They investigate then act.

CIA gets the investigation research and has it from all sources in the entire world then act based on that research.

So the CIA is elite and different than any other organizations in the world.

FBI takes years. CIA takes 2 months at most to verify and then acts.

With the new SMS they can react with seconds.

They are exclusive.

And I appreciate them with my entire heart and I designed their jobs just like above, word for word.

So if you hate what they do then you hate a lot of me and you hate the world and you hate what,they are forced to do because the world has become so dangerous

I will protect them with my life. Because it is my life experiences and my love that determines how they act. What they do.

So I understand. I understand conflicting emotions

But what they do will not change.

[superblyjovialtheorist-blog]

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Cheap car insurance in PA?

I'm 19 and am looking to buy a 06/07 Cobalt SS coupe (non-supercharged) and am wondering what the cheapest insurance would be? Personal experience?

Is there a way to not have auto insurance when you will not be driving your car for a year?

I have a car loan that I still owe $15,000. I will be going to Mexico for a year and, therefore, will not be driving my car for a year. Is there a way to just insure the loan so that if the car starts on fire by itself or something I'll still be covered? If so, how much does that cost?""

Who's responsible for rental car insurance after an accident?

Last month my car was run into in a parking lot while I was shopping. No question who was at fault. We exchanged information and I contacted their insurance company. Their insurance agreed to pay for all repairs and the rental. However, they did wouldn't pay for the insurance on the rental, claiming it is my responsibility. I only have liability, so the additional insurance cost $8.99 per day, in the end I had to pay $360. I'm wondering if now I can take this to the people who hit me, since if they had not hit me, I wouldn't be out $360. Could I demand them to pay it, maybe even take it to small claims?""

What are the insurance requirements for a first time 16 yr old driver with no car in n.c.?

heard you needed insurance just to get a license.

How much does a teenage car insurance for a 1991 chevolet corvette convertible cost per month?

my grades havent been good till this year i kinda have a bad record idk if that would effect it so ya i no i turn 16 on tuesday and im getting the car for my bday so i need to no quickly how much the insurence would cost thanks

18 want car insurance?

right looked online all compare sites give sh*t results, i got quoted 14k for a suzuki alto 23k for a fiat cinciquento (whatever its called) ive rang i kube and got quoted 9k for the suzuki alto thats with the curfew, passed my test on the 22nd of march 2011, wheres good for cheap insurance, ill have curfew if needs be so please shed some light""

Insurance companies trying to get money?

So, my little brother was born early and has delayed learning. He can to everything right. His speaking is a little slow but it's getting there and has come a LONG way by the help of many people that we know personally, and in physical/occupational therapy. Now, the insurance companies are saying that they will not pay even though he is fully qualified. We have many letters from his teachers. How often does this happen? It's not been the first time. :(""

Will taking a defensive driving class lower my insurance and take points off my driving record?

Ive been in two car accidents one in Nov.2007 and the other Feb. 2008 and i was wondering if taking a defensive driving course would take points off my driving record and lower my insurance.

""Non owner SR22 insurance, a cheap website?""

Non owner SR22 insurance, a cheap website?""

Who can help me with car insurance?

I sold my car and canceled my car insurance direct debit in my bank and the insurance company sold my debit to a debit collectors. Now I want to buy another car and my question is: can I make a new car insurance without having problems?

Who hates Health Insurance?

On the infrequent occasions when I need to see a doctor, I pay cash. Which I'd have to do even if I had health insurance because of the ridiculously high deductibles. I dont even know why i have it. I pay too much money. A friend recommend me a pharmacy Online I will be trying that. They have very cheap prices. am sick of giving out my money. Do you guys think i will save money with Medicines mexico Online Pharmacy?""

What is the estimated insurance for this car?

2-Door Coupe 1989 BMW 6 Series Coupe 2D 635CS, costing $6,000 new 16 yr. old driver.15-20000 in coverage.""

Do I need a non-owner's insurance policy?

I am going to sell my vehicle soon. I will no longer need car insurance. Do I need to purchase a non-owners policy? I know that when I eventually do buy another car + insurance, they ask how long you have been continually insured, and if I dump coverage altogether, I'll have to indicate that there was a period that I had no insurance (even though I had no car), which will probably increase my rates.""

Cost of insurance for a 2004 Chrysler Sebring convertible?

I'm thinking about getting a setting for my first car but have no clue how much insurance will be . I really want to get a convertible .

Insurance troubles while pregnant?

Did you have any drama with insurance coverage or any insurance problems when you were pregnant? If so, what happened?""

""When you purchase a new car, is it better to buy the GAP insurance from the dealer ?

Should you buy the GAP insurance from the dealer or from your own private insurance company. Usually your own insurance company is cheaper. Any suggestions?

Insurance violation 16028 (a)?

I was riding my friends motorcycle today. I got pulled over for doing 75 in a 65. My friend does have insurance on the motorcycle but there was no insurance paperwork on the motorcycle. I got written up for no insurance, the cop said as long as the bike does have insurance the court should drop it. My question is, do I need to be insured on the bike or does just the bike need insurance since I was just riding it that day?""

How much longer will americans put up with health insurance companies?

when will Americans demand an end to insurance companies involved with healthcare? how much longer will Americans put up with insurance companies having more control then doctors on medical choices?

Cheap Insurance For Teens.?

I am 17, and I live in KY. Know a cheap company?""

Car insurance rates depends on Car Makes?

I have a really big issue on my hands, and that is finding a car that doesn't have a high insurance rate. What is the difference in insurance prices with different cars like BMW and Honda/ Toyota and Cadillac? Also, provide a source! plz! thnx!!""

Report to insurance or not?

i was driving down the freeway yesterday and a rock hit my windshield. it now has two huge cracks. and i have to get it replaced i know it cant be repaired. my deductible on my insurance is $500, should i report it to the insurance or not? would it be cheaper to just fix it myself?""

Where can I find affordable dental insurance?

i live in dallas tx ,19yrs old and im look for affordable dental insurance it will b just for me no one else any great insurance out there that wont make my bank account dusty :) plz help & thank u""

Health insurance and medical abortion?

so i just took a pregnancy test today im 18 and pregnant. i cant sleep i cant eat im a mess. i need to terminate this pregnancy asap so i can get on with my life. i called my health insurance HealthNet, and they DO cover the medical abortion (abortion pill) thats not plan B. its the abortion by medication. they also said i need to find an obgyn to approve it or something then its all covered. so i called one and they said i have to pay 750 dollars!!!! even if they do cover it i still have to pay that! im in california btw, and i dont even have 100 dollars. could i go to a hospital that covers me and get it for free? or for atleast 100$? at most? or do i have to go to plan parenthood at spend the 350.""

Car insurance for a 16 year old boy with a 90s camaro?

Im a 16 year old boy living in kansas and i want a 90s Camaro as my first car but my dad thinks that insurance will be super expensive, so i was wondering that if i just got liability and towing how much would it be? The cars are typically anywhere in between 2k and 5k dollars, at least thats my price range. I dont know if that affects anything but I thought I should bring it up. And do you guys think that a 90s Camaro is a good first car? thanks for answering all of my questions.""

Car insurance question?

My mother's boyfriend bought a car and has allowed me to drive it. He is the primary driver on the insurance. I am also on his insurance. My father just recently put me on his insurance. My mom's boyfriend wants to give the car to me (Transfer the title and registration, get new plates and all that.) He says I will need my own insurance under my own name. But if I am insured does it actually matter who's insurance it is?""

ge car insurance quote

ge car insurance quote

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/alabama-insurance-holding-company-act-william-russell/"

[oovitus]

Weekend Reading, 6.24.18

A friend of mine told me that he recently went to a conference where all of the attendees seemed to be talking about perfectionism, in spite of that fact that it wasn’t the conference theme. They were discussing it as people who had been susceptible to impossible standards in the past, but now counted themselves lucky to have let perfectionism go.

As we were talking, it occurred to me that I haven’t thought about perfectionism in a long time, though it had a hold on me for years. Even after I stopped trying to do everything “right,” perfectionism (and to some extent, being “Type A”) was a big part of my identity. I called myself a “recovering perfectionist,” which was truthful, but in retrospect I think it was also my way of continuing to identify with perfectionism and communicate it to others. I didn’t want to be subject to oppressive standards anymore, but I hadn’t yet figured out who I was without them.

In the end, perfectionism exited my life out of necessity; I untangled from it because I didn’t have a choice. Living with bouts of depression and anxiety in the last few years has meant letting go of a lot of my self-imposed notions of what constitutes productivity, success, or a day well spent.

A common experience of depression, I think, is that small, routine asks can suddenly seem insurmountable: doing laundry, cleaning up, running errands. This would have sounded unbelievable to me at one point in my life, when these kinds of to-dos were just afterthoughts, but now I know what it’s like to struggle with the everyday.

I’m thinking back to an afternoon two summers ago that illustrates this perfectly: my anxiety had been particularly bad, and I’d been paralyzed by procrastination all day. By dinnertime I was genuinely proud of myself for having gotten out of the house to pick up groceries and mail a package. This was a radically different measure of productivity than I was used to, and it didn’t matter: I was relieved to have done something, anything.

I’m in a different place now, capable of fuller days, but my perspective remains valuably altered by that experience. I don’t wake up with a fixed agenda anymore. I don’t plan on doing more than I know I can handle. If I notice that tasks remain undone everyday on my modest to-do list, I take it as a sign that I need to plan on doing less, rather than wondering why I can’t do more.

I’ve learned that my capacity for doing and my tendency to get overwhelmed ebb and flow. Sometimes they shift for reasons that I can identify, like how I’m feeling physically or whether something has made me anxious. Sometimes they change suddenly and for no apparent reason. I don’t try to bully myself out of feeling overwhelmed; rather, I ask what would make me feel calmer and more steady.

I often remind myself of a mantra that my friend Maria gave herself when her MS symptoms started keeping her from the pace and routines that had become customary: “better than before.” The origin of this mantra was an ongoing struggle to keep tidy the home she shared with her young son. As Maria’s “functional self” receded, she noticed the presence of another self, who “though less physically versatile, was stronger than I ever could have imagined from the perspective of the one who functioned’ throughout the day. She began to show me things my functional self simply missed.”

One of those things, she goes on to say,

was to be able to notice when I was completely out of energy to exert myself. This might be when something was halfway wiped, or not wiped at all, but I had somehow managed to put some things away. She would know to say that’s enough for now. And she was very clever about what would satisfy my functional self, who would never have been satisfied with that’s enough. It sobered that functional self to learn when the diagnosis of MS finally came that the “forcing” she had habituated herself to was the worst thing to do if she wanted to preserve her physical abilities.  But as the saying goes, it’s really true that you catch more flies with honey than vinegar. So my deeper wiser identity came up with something even more ingenious than this looming threat:

Better Than It Was.

Or, (depending on the context): Cleaner Than It Was.

These two statements became my mottos. And they still are. They allowed me to learn to pace myself while still satisfying that Functional Self that I was making what she considered progress through the daily requirements of life, even if many of them were slowed to a crawl or a downright standstill.  Better Than It Was.

Maria’s story is uniquely her own, and my own sense of high functionality has shifted for reasons that are uniquely mine. But her clever motto has given me great comfort since I first read about it on her blog. So, too, does this quote from Melody Beattie: “Our best yesterday was good enough; our best today is plenty good too.”

The best thing about letting go of perfectionism is developing a capacity to recognize that “our best” can look very different from moment to moment. There’s no longer an immovable standard of output. I wish that I’d been able to pry my ego away from productivity and being busy on my own, rather than being forced to reckon with a dramatic shift in my capacities, but in the end, it doesn’t matter how I got here. What matters is that I’m learning to be grateful for what I can do, rather than fixating on what I haven’t, or can’t.

Throughout all of this, I’ve had the tremendous luxury of being able to adjust my schedule and responsibilities in a way that allowed me to create a dynamic “new normal.” Not every person has the space to do this, depending on his or her professional and personal circumstances. I recognize and respect the many men and women who go through periods of depression and anxiety while also keeping up with fixed schedules. And of course I worry sometimes about my DI year: now that I’m learning how to take gentle care in the moments when I need to, what will it be like to temporarily lose control of my schedule and workload?

I don’t have an answer, but to some degree I suspect that I don’t need one. My routine next year will be a challenge, but so long as I can do my best without succumbing to the influence of perfectionism, I know I’ll be OK. Much as I’ve made my schedule more realistic, letting go of perfectionism has been an inside job. It resides in recognizing how futile perfectionism is, how it discourages me needlessly while keeping me from recognizing the good that I can do, and maybe have done (another observation that’s prompted by Beattie).

Here’s to a week—and a month, and a summer, and a year—of doing my best and trusting that my best is enough. I wish the same for you, too. And here’s the weekly roundup of links.

Recipes

I would never think to put fruit in a tabbouleh, but I love Katie’s creative mixture of blueberries, parsley, mint, and quinoa—I’d actually love to try it as a savory breakfast dish!

A very different kind of quinoa salad, but no less delicious: a curried mixture with red cabbage, raisins, and pumpkin seeds from Melanie of Veggie Jam.

Two recipes for summer entertaining caught my eye this past week. The first is these show-stopping chipotle cauliflower nachos from my friend Jeanine of Love & Lemons.

Number two is this platter of green summer rolls with mango miso sauce from Anya of Lazy Cat Kitchen. The sauce alone is calling to me, but I also love all of the tender green veggies here (asparagus, zucchini, broccolini).

Finally, a summery vegan pasta salad with creamy avocado dressing—perfect timing, as pasta salad’s been on my mind lately (and I may just have a recipe coming soon!).

Reads

1. This article is about a month old, but it’s very on-topic for today’s post: why you should stop being so hard on yourself, via The New York Times.

2. Ed Yong’s new article on the threat of imminent global pandemics frightened me (and the blurb under the title didn’t help), but it’s an important topic, and I’m glad that it’s being written about. Yong notes the medical supply shortages that are becoming increasingly problematic in the US; hopefully greater awareness might somehow inspire solutions.

3. Reporting on the termination of a major NIH study of alcohol, heart attack, and stroke, which was shut down when conflicts of interest were identified. It’s an important examination of the ethics of funding and scientific research.

4. Dispatches from the Gulf of California, where the vaquita—now the world’s rarest marine mammal—is on the brink of extinction.

5. I was so full of appreciation and respect when I read my friend Karen’s latest post on numbers and body acceptance.

Like Karen, I went through a long period of asking to be blind weighed at the doctor’s office and not owning a scale. That time served a purpose, but nowadays I can be aware of the number without identifying with it, which I’m grateful for. I’ve had a bunch of doctor’s appointments in the last month, and getting weighed has been the last thing on my mind: feeling more at home in my body has been my only point of focus.

Karen opens up about her own recent experience with the scale and the annual physical, then reflects on why she’s committed to being transparent about what “balance” looks like for her. It’s great to witness her journey unfolding.

On that inspiring note, happy Sunday—and from a celebratory NYC, happy pride! I’ll be circling back this week with my first fruit-filled dessert of the summer.

xo

The post Weekend Reading, 6.24.18 appeared first on The Full Helping.

Weekend Reading, 6.24.18 published first on

[monachopsiswhat-blog]

pls dont die

i am no professional. just want to get that and my thoughts out. Good -whatever time it is- my fellow human. No doubt that every single one of you probs have been/is depressed or thinking/thought about death. Before I get to my main point, you should get a few things first. Feeling/thinking this is normal. So don’t make yourself even more depressed with the thought that you’re abnormal or whatever. Okay, back to my point. So you’re depressed. Whatever the reason may be- family, friends, school, work, overthinking, etc. - like I said, THATS NORMAL. Everyone goes through that. From depression that came from the death of a beloved character to depression caused by abuse- it’s depression. From depression that lasts half a day to depression that lasts years- it’s still depression. Believe it or not, depression comes in all shapes and sizes. (Personally, I think that it’s your choice if you want to be depressed or not. Hang on, before you call BS, hear me out first. It’s up to you on how you want to live your life or how to view it. IT IS ALL ABOUT PERSPECTIVE.) Again, back to the point. Whenever I search ‘depression’ on google it always showed that depression is a sickness that can be treated- which hurt me a little but “okay google.whatever you say." For me, I don’t think so. I see depression as a mere hurdle that you’re about to run into. Like a phase of your life. Though, some phases are shorter than others. And also the fact that while still in the middle of trying to overcome that ‘hurdle/phase’ you just give up- thus, SUICIDE. I always stumble unto the questions: “What do you think about suicidal people? Do you think they’re strong? Do you think they’re weak?” I think that they are both. Strong for being able to just leave everything behind or strong enough to not think of everything else- THEY HAVE STRONG CONVICTION. Yet, I also thing that they are weak. Weak for succumbing to their problems. Weak for not trying harder to live. Weak for not fighting against it. Now, there are people who you can’t really say that they want to die, but you also cant say that they want to live. They’re like “I’ll die today? Okay.” these are also the ones who won’t look both ways when crossing the road. They don’t mind living, but they also don’t mind dying. If you ask them “what if I kill you right now?” they would probably answer with a shrug and say “go ahead” but if you give them a knife or a gun they’ll raise a brow at you and ask what the f are you smoking. So where am I going with this? For everyone who can be under the category of “im depressed” and “i want to die/ meh death” I would like to give you a few tips to continue living and not kick the bucket. It probably won’t apply to everyone who reads this but I hope that I got you to realize something and that YOUR LIFE IS A LOT MORE VALUABLE THAN THE PROBLEM(s) YOU ARE FACING.

- FIND A CAUSE i read this tip while reading a book. Whether it may be the stupidest thing ever- ex. proving that the earth is flat(not to bring down flat earthers or anything)- or one of the biggest movements in the world- ex. LGBTQ+ community- FIND A CAUSE. Enjoy it too. My cause is happiness through a sprinkle of sarcasm and sass. That might seem a bit childish but it’s true. I want people to be happy that they met me- no matter how narcissistic that sounds. It’s just the way it is. - DONT LIVE YOUR LIFE PLEASING OTHERS YOUR LIFE IS YOURS TO LIVE. Don’t let people make you live their dreams. ”u dont get it. if i dont live their dream ww3 might happen” “u dont get it. if i dont do this i wont get my inheritance” “they might disown me” BITCH ITS YOUR LIFE NOT THEIRS. If you want to do it on your accord then go ahead but NEVER let people force their dreams on you. If you fail to meet their expectations you’ll find yourself a lot more broken than you were before. This maybe 0% helpful to those like me. To be honest, I don’t live for myself. I continue living for the people I love. With just the thought that if I’m gone, I will never be able to hug or kiss or talk to them. Which brings me to the next one; - EXCUSES EXCUSES. find a reason to live. even if its the smallest thing. your phone, your book collection. an unaired season of your favorite tv show. go through the day with a goal set in mind- that is if the goal isnt to die- a tip for this is to be selfish yet not selfish. BE SELFISH ENOUGH TO NOT LET GO OF THE THING YOU VALUE MOST. BE UNSELFISH ENOUGH TO THINK ABOUT THE PEOPLE WHO CARE ABOUT YOU. Now, this may be a little hard for those who “dont have anyone anymore to love”. it doesnt mean a person or a living thing exactly. it can be your phone. it can be food that you want to eat. Find reasons to not bite that bullet.

- LIVE NOW. NOT YESTERDAY. NOT TOMORROW. BUT NOW. Don’t dwell on your mistakes from the past. Learn to forgive yourself and to forgive others- you’ll find yourself feeling a lot lighter with those grudges off your shoulders but never forget- no matter how cheesy that sounds. Don’t worry about something that hasn’t happened yet. Don’t think about the solution to a problem you haven’t even seen yet. Instead, face whatever you are in front of now.

- the cheesiest of them all BE TRUE TO YOURSELF faking who you are is a burden that is a lot heavier than you think. lying to yourself and to others is a hard task to do especially because you have to keep it up- again and again. Which will end up deceiving others that you’re a person you actually are not. When they find out that you are not who you say you are, you’ll end up with 80 lbs weights on your shoulders (figuratively)

- FIND FRIENDS Surround yourself with good ones too. Friends are not only people who you are “okay” with but people who actually gives a fuck about you.

- SILVER LINING! Don’t be negative. if you want to continue to live you’ve got to stop thinking about the worst things in life. be grateful about positive situations and don’t fret the small stuff. Find the silver lining in your worst situation and solve it.

​wherever you are reading this (tumblr, instagram, facebook, etc) i just want you to know that this is in no way made to offend you. if i did, i'm sorry. another thing. this list is isnt finished. feel free to add more to it.