#AND GETS SICK EVERY OTHER FUCKING WEEK
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don't be mad don't be mad don't be mad it's christmas it's literally christmas you can't be mad (convincing myself)
#I CANT BELIEVE THAT MY FUCKING SIBLING#BMY FUUUUUCKING SIBLING#WHO DOES NOTHING#BOTHING TO KEEP THEMSELF HEALTHY#AND GETS SICK EVERY OTHER FUCKING WEEK#AND GOT BOTH THE FLU AAAAAND THE STOMACH BUG#IS PERFECTLY FUCKING HEALTHY#AND GETS TO GO SEE MY COUSINS NEW HOUSE#THAT JUST GOT FUCKING RENOVATED#AND I AM SICK#IN BED#CAUSE SOMEBODY DOESNT REALIZE#THAT WHEN YOURE SICK#YOU DONT FUCKING GET NEAR PEOPLE#I HAVE TO FUCKING SUFFER#AGAIN#FOR SHIT THEY DUD#BUT I CANT BE FUCKING MAD CAUSE ITS CHRISTMAS#HOLY FUCK IM GOJNG TO SCREAM#OR CRY#OR BOTH#IM SO MAD
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every day im reminded that though my parents may have wanted a dog they clearly did not want to take care of a dog
#and i KNEW this which was why i insisted on not getting dogs though they keep trying to gaslight me#into thinking that i agreed on the dogs. i didnt and i wish id railed against it harder#because ill be honest i knew i didnt want to take care of a dog i wasnt in the headspace#but i also knew that if they got the dog that the actual caring duties would be foisted off to me#and the things that They would have to do ie go to the vet nd pay the bills etc theyd complain about and avoid#and thats one thjng. but oh my fucking god. my dad specifically#its like hes trying to get these dogs to die. we have several plants in the backyard#bad for dogs. i point them out. i have pointed them out Several times.#theyre his plants the gardens his thats none of my things. he just goes oh they wont get into them#THEYRE DOGS. but he doesnt want to move his fucking plants#one of the dogs is on medicine but has a habit of not eating his food in the morning#which means if u leave his medicine in hjs bowl the other dog might eat it#one solution is to give him the tablet straight. because hes good about eating it#he doesnt want to because 'thats gross'. Are you five fucking years old#the dog doesnt like the texture of dry food so another solution is to wet it#dad wont do that either because 'hes too spoiled' and 'it takes time' ONE MINUTE?????????#like i have to assume this is some kind of ploy to make me do it instead when i dont wake up that early#because if its not then hes truly just incompetent or doesnt care about the dogs#which brings me back to WHY DID YOU GET THEM IN THE FIRST PLACE.#im sick of having to worry about them when he just does shit like this its wasting my time and its wasting money#but ohhhh we dont want to give the dogs away theyre part of the family š„ŗ#CLEARLY. because apparently u wanted kids but didnt want to take care of them either!!#im pissed off!!! im tired!!!!!!!!#i need to know im not going batshit here for being pissed off!!!!!#the dogs are getting back to back problems and at least some of it would have been mitigated by oh.#i dont know. the bare minimum?????#at least if the plants had been taken care of i wouldnt have to wonder if theyd just gotten into them#or if its an actual problem like a mass or bite. but no now i dont know#and at this rate were going to waste money going to the vet every fucking week
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Spider-Man India, but... where from India?
A SUPER long post featuring talks of: cultural identity, characterisation, the caste system, and what makes Spider-Man Spider-Man.
Iām prefacing this by saying that I am a second-generation immigrant. I was born in Australia, but my cultural background is from South India. My experiences with what it means to be āIndianā is going to be very different from the experiences of those who are born and brought up in India.
If you, reader, want to add anything, please reblog and add your thoughts. This is meant to be a post open for discussion ā the more interaction we get, the better we become aware of these nuances.
So I made this poll asking folks to pick a region of India where I would draw Pavitr Prabhakar in their cultural wear. This idea had been on my mind for a long while now, as I had been inspired by Annie Hazarikaās Northeastern Spidey artwork in the wake of ATSVās release, but never got the time to actually do it until now. I wanted to get a little interactive and made the poll so I could have people choose which of the different regions ā North, Northeast, Central, East, West, South ā to do first.
The outcome was not what I expected. As you can see, out of 83 votes:
THE RESULTS
South India takes up almost half of all votes (44.6%), followed by Northeast and Central (both 14.5%) and then East (13.3%). In all my life growing up, support towards or even just the awareness of South India was pretty low. Despite this being a very contained poll, why would nearly half of all voters pick South India in favour of other popular choices like Central or North India?
Then I thought about the layout of the poll: Title, Options, Context.
Title: "Tell us who you want to seeā¦"
Options: North, Northeast, Central, East, West, South
Context: I want to make art of the boy again
At first I thought: ah geez. this is my fault. I didn't make the poll clear enough. do they think I want them to figure out where Pavitr came from? That's not what I wanted, maybe I should have added the context before the options.
Then I thought: ah geez. is it my fault for people not reading the entire damn thing before clicking a button? That's pretty stupid.
But regardless, the thought did prompt a line of thinking I know many of us desi folk have been considering since Spider-Man India was first conceived ā or, at least, since the announcement that he was going to appear in ATSV. Hell, even I thought of it:
Where did Spider-Man India come from?
FROM A CULTURALLY DIVERSE INDIA
As we know, India is so culturally diverse, and no doubt ATSV creators had to take that into account. Because the ORIGINAL Spider-Man India came from Mumbai ā most likely because Mumbai and Manhattan both started with the same letter.
But going beyond that, itās also because Mumbai is one of the most recognisable cities in India - itās also known as Bombay. Itās where Bollywood films are shot. Itās where superstar Hindi actors and actresses show up. Mumbai is synonymous with India in that regard, because the easiest way Western countries can interact with Indian culture is through BOLLYWOOD, through HINDI FILMS, through MUMBAI. Suddenly, India is Mumbai, India is a Hindi-only country, India is just this isolated thing we see through an infinitely narrow lens.
Weāve gotten a little better in recent years, but boy I will tell you how uncomfortable Iāve gotten when people (yes, even desi people) come up to me and tell me, Oh, youāre Indian right? Can you speak Hindi? Why donāt you speak Hindi? Youāre not Indian if you donāt speak Hindi, thatās Indiaās national language!
I have been ā still am ā so afraid of telling people that I donāt speak Hindi, that Iām Tamil, that I donāt care that Hindi is Indiaās ānationalā language (itās an administrative language, Kavin, get your fucking facts right). Itās weird, itās isolating, and it has made me feel like I wasnāt āIndianā enough to be accepted into the group of āIndianā people.
So I am thankful that ATSV went out of their way to integrate as much variety of Indian culture into the Mumbattan sequence. Maybe that way, the younger generation of desi folk wonāt feel so isolated, and that younger Western people will be more open to learning about all these cultural differences within such a vast country.
BUT WHAT DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH SPIDER-MAN INDIA?
Everything, actually. Thereās a thing called supremacy. You might have heard of it. We all engaged with it at some point, and if you are Indian, no matter where you live, it is inescapable.
It happens the moment you are born ā who your family is, where you are born, the language you speak, the colour of your skin; these will be bound to you for life, and it is nigh impossible to break down the stereotypes associated with them.
Certain ethnic groups will be more favourable than others (Centrals, and thus their cultures, will always be favoured over than Souths, as an example) and the same can be said for social groups (Brahmins are more likely to secure influential roles in politics or other areas like priesthood, while the lowers castes, especially Dalits, arenāt even given the decency of respect). Donāt even get me started on colourism, where obviously those of fairer skin will win the lottery while those of darker skin arenāt given the time of day. Itās even worse when morality ties into it ā ālighter skinned Indians, like Brahmins, embody good qualities like justice and wisdomā, ādark skinned Indians are cunning and poor, they are untrustworthyā. Itās fucking nuts.
This means, of course, you have a billion people trying to make themselves heard in a system that tries to crush everyone who is not privileged. It only makes sense that people want to elevate themselves and break free from a society that refuses to acknowledge them. These frustrations manifest outwardly, like in protests, but other times ā most times ā it goes unheard, quietly shaping your way of life, your way of thinking. It becomes a fundamental part of you, and it can go unacknowledged for generations.
So when you have a character like Pavitr Prabhakar enter the scene, people immediately latch onto him and start asking questions many Western audiences donāt even consider. Who is he? What food does he eat? What does he do on Fridays? Whatās his family like, his community? All these questions pop up, because, amidst all this turmoil going on in the background, you want a mainstream popular character to be like you, who knows your way of life so intimately, that he may as well be a part of your community.
BUT THAT'S THE THING ā HE'S FICTIONAL
I am guilty of this. In fact, Iāve flaunted in numerous posts how I think heās the perfect Tamil boy, how he dances bharatanatyam, how he does all these Tamil things that no one will understand except myself. All these niche things that only I, and maybe a few others, will understand.
Iāve seen other people do it, too. Iāve seen people geek out over his dark brown skin, his kalari dhoti, how he fights so effortlessly in the kalaripayattu martial arts style. Iāve seen people write him as Malayali, as Hindi, as every kind of Indian person imaginable.
Iāve also seen him be written where heās subjected to typical Indian and broader Asian stereotypes. You know the ones Iām so fond of calling out. The thing is, Iāve seen so much of Pavitr being presented in so many different ways, and I worry how the rest of the desi folk will take it.Ā
You finally have a character who could be you, but now heās someone elseās plaything. Your entire life is shaped by what you can and canāt do simply because you were born to an Indian family, and hereās the one person who could represent you now at the mercy of someone elseās whims. Heās off living a life that is so distant from yours, you can hardly recognise him.
It shouldnāt hurt as much as it does, yeah? But, again, youāre looking at it from that infinitely narrow lens Westerners use to look at India from Bollywood.
AND PAVITR PRABHAKAR DOESN'T LIVE IN INDIA
He lives in Mumbattan. He lives in a made-up, fictional world that doesnāt follow the way of life of our world. He lives in a city where Mumbai and Manhattan got fucking squashed together. There are so many memes about colonialism right there. Mumbattan isnāt real! Spider-Man India isnāt real!! Heās just a dude!! The logic of our world doesnāt apply to him!!!
āBut his surname originates from ______ā okay but does that matter?
āBut heās wearing a kalari dhoti so surely heās ______ā okay but does that matter?
āBut his skin colour is darker so he must be ______ā okay but does that matter?
āBut he lives in Mumbai so he must be ______ā okay but does that matter?
I sound insensitive and brash and annoying and it looks like Iām yapping just for the sake of riling you up, so direct that little burst of anger you got there at me, and keep reading.
Listen. Iām going to ask you a question that Iāve asked myself a million times over. I want you to answer honestly. I want you to ask this question to yourself and answer honestly:
Are you trying to convince me on who Pavitr Prabhakar should be?
... but why shouldn't i?
Iāll tell you this again ā I did the same thing. Youāre not at fault for this, but I want you to just...have a little think over. Just a little moment of self-reflection, to think about why you are so intent on boxing this guy.
It took me a while to reorganise my thinking and how to best approach a character like Pavitr, so I will give you all the time you need as well as a little springboard to focus your thoughts on.
SPIDER-MAN (INDIA) IS JUST A MASK
āWhat I like about the costume is that anybody reading Spider-Man in any part of the world can imagine that they themselves are under the costume. And thatās a good thing.ā
Stan Lee said that. Remember how he was so intent on making sure that everybody got the idea that Spider-Man as an entity is fundamentally broken without Peter Parker there to put on the suit and save the day? That ultimately it was the person beneath the mask, no matter who they were, that mattered most?
Spider-Man India is no less different. You can argue with me that Peter Parker!Spidey is supposed to represent working class struggles in the face of leering corporate entities who endanger the regular folk like us, and so Pavitr Prabhakar should also function the same way. Pavitr should also be a working class guy of this specific social standing fighting people of this other social standing.
But that takes away the authenticity of Spider-Man India. Looking at him through the Peter Parker lens forces you to look at him through the Western lens, and it significantly lessens what you can do with the character ā suddenly, itās a fight to be heard, to be seen, to be recognised. Itās yelling over each other that Pavitr Prabhakar is this ethnicity, is that caste, this or that, this or that, this or that.
Thereās a reason why heās called Spider-Man India, infuriatingly vague as it is. And thatās the point ā the vagueness of his identity fulfils Leeās purpose for a character that could theoretically be embodied by anyone. If he had been called āSpider-Man Mumbaiā, you cut out a majority of the population (and in capitalist terms, you cut out a good chunk of the market).
And in the case of Spider-Man India? Whew ā youāve got about a billion people imagining a billion different versions of him.
Whoever you are, whatever you see in Pavitr, that is what is personal to you, and there is nothing wrong with that, and I will not fault you for it. I will not fault you for saying Pavitr is from Central due to the origins of his last name. I also will not fault you for saying Pavitr is from South due to him practising kalaripayattu. I also will not fault you for saying he is not Hindu. I also will not fault you for saying he is a particular ethnicity without any proof.
What I will fault you for is trying to convince me and the others around you that Pavitr Prabhakar should be this particular ethnicity/have this cultural background because of some specific reason. I literally donāt care and it is fundamentally going against his character, going against the āanyone can wear the maskā sentiment of Spider-Man. By doing this, you are strengthening the walls that first divided us. Youāre feeding the stratification and segmentation of our cultures ā something that is actually not present in the fictional world of Mumbattan.
Like I said before: Mumbattan isnāt real, so the divides between ethnicities and cultural backgrounds are practically nonexistent. The best thing is that it is visually there for all to see. My favourite piece of evidence is this:
Itās a marquee for a cinema in the Mumbattan sequence, in the āQuick tour: this is where the traffic isā section. It has four titles; the first two are written in Hindi. The third title is written in Bengali*, and the fourth title is written in Tamil. You go to Mumbai and you wonāt see a single shred of Bengali nor Tamil there, much less any other language that's not common in Maharashtra (Western India). Seeing this for the first time, you know what went through my head?
Wow, the numerous cultures of India are so intermingled here in Mumbattan! Everyone and everything is welcome!
I was happy, not just because of Tamil representation, but because of the fact that the plethora of Indian cultures are showcased coexisting in such a short sequence. This is India embracing all the little parts that make up its grander identity. This scene literally opened my eyes seeing such beauty in all the diverse cultures thriving together. In a place where language and cultural backgrounds blend so easily, each one complementing one another.
It is so easy to believe that, from this colourful palette of a setting, Pavitr Prabhakar truly is Spider-Man India, no matter where he comes from.
Itās easy to believe that Pavitr can come from any part of India, and I wonāt call you out if the origin you have for him is different from the origin I have. You donāt need to stake out territory and stand your ground ā youāre entitled to that opinion, and I respect it. In fact, I encourage it!!!
Because thereās only so much you can show in a ten minute segment of a film about a country that has such a vast history and even greater number of cultures. I want to see all of it ā I want him to be a Malayali boy, a Hindi boy, a Bengali boy, a Telugu boy, an Urdu boy, whatever!! I want you to write him or draw him immersed in your culture, so that I can see the beauty of your background, the wonderful little things that make your culture unique and different from mine!
And, as many friends have said, itās so common for Indian folks to be migrating around within our own country. A person with a Maharashtrian surname might end up living in Punjab, and no one really minds that. Iām actually from Karnataka, my family speaks Kannada, but somewhere down the line my ancestors moved to Tamil Nadu and settled down and lived very fulfilling lives. So I donāt actually have the āpure Tamilā upbringing, contrary to popular belief; Iāve gotten a mix of both Kannada and Tamil lifestyles, and itās made my life that much richer.Ā
So itās common for people to ānotā look like their surname, if thatās what youāre really afraid about. In fact, it just adds to that layer of nuance, that even despite these rigid identities between ethnicities we as Indian people still intermingle with one another, bringing slivers of our cultures to share with others. Pavitr could just as well have been born in one state and moved around the country, and he happens to live in Mumbattan now. Itās entirely possible and thereās nothing to disprove that.
We donāt need to clamber over one another declaring that only one ethnicity is the ārightā ethnicity, because, again, you will be looking at Pavitr and the rest of India in that narrow Western lens ā a country with such rich cultural variety reduced to a homogenous restrictive way of life.
THE POLL: REINTERPRETED
This whole thing started because I was wondering why my little poll was so skewed ā I thought people assumed I was asking them where he came from, then paired his physical appearance with the most logical options available. I thought it was my fault, that I had somehow influenced this outcome without knowing.
Truth is, I will never really know. But I will be thankful for it, because it gave me the opportunity to finally broach this topic, something that many of us desi folk are hesitant to talk about. I hope you have learned something from this, whether you are desi or a casual Spider-Man fan or someone who just so happened to stumble upon this.Ā
So justā¦be a little more open. Recognise that India, like many many countries and nations, is made up of a plethora of smaller cultures. And remember, if youāre trying to convince Pavitr that heās a particular ethnicity, heās going to wave his hand at you and say, āHa, me? No, Iām one of the people that live here in the best Indian city! Iām Spider-Man India, dost!ā
(Regardless, he still considers you a friend, because to him, the people matter more to him than you trying to box him into something heās not.)
*Note: thank you dear anon for letting me know that the third title was Bengali, twas my mistake for literally completely forgetting
#long post + more tags that kinda spiral away BUT expand on the points above AND kinda puts everything together concisely#BROS THIS IS AN HONEST TO GOD ESSAY#THAT HAS BEEN COOKING IN MY HEART FOR A WHILE NOW. SIMMERING FOR MONTHS BEFORE FINALLY BOILING OVER IN THE LAST WEEK#genuinely hope you read MOST of it because yes it has Quite A Lot Of Exposition but it all matters nonetheless#put in a lot of thought into this so i expect you to do your part and challenge your thoughts as well#you see how i'm not asking for you to listen to me. but to actually Think. i want you to cook your thoughts and add some spice and flavour#and give it a good mix so you can come out of this a little more wiser than before#because!!! yeah!!!! spider man india is just that!! he's indian!!!!! we don't need to collectively agree on where he comes from#bc it gets rid of that relatability factor of spider man. at the most basic level#think of it as a schrodinger's. he is every single culture and none of them at the same time. therefore none of us are wrong!! sick!!!!#pavitr's first priority is making sure HIS PEOPLE are safe. that's probably as far as we can go that relates him back to peter parker spide#he loves his people and working in the name of justice to FIGHT for HIS PEOPLE is just the duty/responsibility he takes up#it makes sense that he loves everyone and every culture he engages with bc that's the nature of spider man i suppose#if peter parker spidey acts as the guardian for the regular folk.. then in my mind pavitr spidey stands as the bridge uniting the people#because society as its core is very fragmented. and having pavitr act as a connection to other folks.... mmmmm beautiful#that's what i'm talking abouttttt !!!#anyways guys this is literally 3001 words on my document EXCLUDING THE TITLE. THAT'S 7 PAGES AT 11pt FONT. i'm literally cryingggg wtf#pavitr prabhakar#spider man#spider man india#desi#desiblr#atsv#across the spiderverse#atsv pavitr#indian culture#india#desi tumblr#what the fuck do i tag this as#agnirambles
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i wish i cared about food because as a living organism i do have to deal with food every day...seems like it would be easier to deal with if i actively liked eating it and thinking about it. but instead food is just the most annoying of all the chores that life consists of because it's impossible to ignore for very long. i resent having to think about it multiple times per day. not going anywhere with this just vaguely jealous of people who like food lol.
#disordered eating#not to say i actively hate all food but i do hate the reality of having to eat food multiple times a day#rarely am i actually excited to eat something. when i have food i'm often like oh good! in the sense of like#yay now i can check 'eating' off my to-do list. so it's usually not like active disgust at the thought of eating (though sometimes it is)#but usually i'm not excited by the food itself#and it's not like i don't have a sense of taste! i have taste preferences#if i only had to eat once a week or something i would probably like food. but i have to eat so often. that's fucking obnoxious#wow food you think you're soooo special and important that you can demand my attention every few hours? go fuck yourself#my dad always used to say he eats for sustenance not for enjoyment and i didn't get it when i was younger#because back then i had a lot of food-related cravings#but idk the last several years that hasn't really been the case. occasionally i want to eat something for reasons other than hunger#but not very often. mostly i just want to eat whatever has the most calories but won't get me sick so i can delay as long as possible#the next time i have to think about it#my posts
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would absolutely love it if i stopped getting sick every other week
#like remember when i would get sick every other year#now it's every other week#my body cannot catch a fucking break#but we ball#i called out tomorrow so we will spend the whole day writhing in bed begging god to let me breathe again#and writing i guess
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I am so beyond ready to quit this job. Wednesday cannot come fast enough.
#to be fair it's bc school starts again in a few weeks#but idk. every day at this office feels like sandpaper on my skin. people always ask me shit i dont understand#and every case is so individual there's no set checklist to follow to troubleshoot#so most of the time I just grind my gears and get stuck#it'd busy more days than not.#and it was advertised to me as data entry only. client interactions was not what i signed up for.#it's all client interaction.#we're short staffed so nobody gets to take the back office and have a break.#when we weren't short staffed i was the new guy and only got 1 day in the back a week while everyone else got 2.#all my coworkers are conservative but talk like they're apolitical.#i thought it'd be fulfilling bc im helping people get benefits#but many are rude or impatient as any other service job. I'm constantly trying to direct people that don't want to listen#or explain the intricacies of something i barely understand.#and i don't want to lead people astray bc you have to start over if you blow a deadline.#but there's just nothing redeeming that i enjoy.#i hate customer service. i hate constantly asking questions. i like seldom few of my coworkers.#i can't be me at work.#and i don't care about the work itself anymore.#this job made me cry every day for weeks last month from sheer stress and overstimulation.#i almost cried myself sick several times.#the only reason I'm not there anymore is bc i dont fucking care anymore.#it took me 2 months to burn out. 2 months!#i was training for half of that!!#idk. everyone decided i was smart and could pick it up quickly so. even though everyone else got 4-6 weeks of shadowing#you can make do with 3 before you start doing stuff solo.#which feels unfair. i wasn't ready for it. and i resent the decision quite a bit.#plus it's been a nightmare for me in terms of external stressors and my generally deteriorating mental health. so.#all in all. i hate it here.#and i can't wait to turn in my notice so i can gtfo in 2 weeks#i am so tired. free me. let me go back to my music please
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#just a load of garbage#dont mind me yall#i feel as though im fucking falling apart#i've been crying myself to sleep every single night for the past week#and its just getting worse#i think the whole thing with that boy has just been the thing that fucking ended everythign for me#and by everything i mean me not wanting to kill myself#its not even that deep i dont even care that much#i swear i dont#its just the whole#all my friends are dating other people or have dated other people who cared about them#and i know my friends care about me and love me#but its not the same bc theres always someone they love more#and it sounds so selfish but i just want a best friend again#i dont know what happened#but somewhere along the line i lost my best friend#and i havent had one since#im close friends with all of my friends#but it just feels so fucking lonely#thats the whole thing#im surrounded by so many people in my fg#and its just so fucking#lonely#bc theres always someone who is more loved#and i just#ugh#idk#and its also like#im so sick of getting crushes on people#i wish it would just stop
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they need to make a killing myself I can do every weekend but only on the weekends so I can get up fine on monday and go to work again
#.vent#maybe i should start drinking so i can get blackout drunk every weekend. or fuck around w sedatives or pay someone to just whack me round#the head with a sledgehammer on friday evenings and hopefully ill recover from the concussion by mondays#its not even funny what the fuck is wrong with me that i have to spend all my free time trying not to kill myself i feel so sick#im literally fine at work i guess i just dont know how to have fun or be happy or feel wanted or cared for or loved by other people#but dont have to think about that when im working so its fine 5/7 days which is pretty good. im so lonely i want to throw up#tried to leave the house got ready and everything and then burst into tears for no reason ive spent the past hour trying to talk myself#down from hurting myself and i probably wont in the next few hours but i almost certainly will before the day is up. oh well#man who fucking cares. typing this isnt making me feel any better i dont really know what to do anymore#i have a drs appt in 2 weeks for smth unrelated but maybe ill ask abt antidepressants. theres nothing specific causing this#my brain just doesnt work right.i dont even feel like a person most of the time#well nothing else to say š
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Man how do people relationship
#one of my partners I love so dearly#but she needs#not monogamy exactly#but consistency#like date nights once a week on the same night every week#and sheās right that my other partner and I donāt see each other enough#and Iām always missing my other partner#but also I always want what I canāt have enough of#and so weāre trying openness which I so desperately want but have kind of fucked up the last few times weāve implemented it#but itās very#you can only sleep with someone once every three weeks#and definitions of flirting and romance and when can I flirt with someone and when can I drunk make out with people#and I love her dearly but also sometimes Iām so sick of her#and I worry this is gonna make it worse cause#itāll mean all the other ppl Iām pursuing will remain fresh and new and interesting#and Iāll just get more frustrated at her and her awful need for consistency#and I envy my other partner so much#who has no such restrictions and so many wonderful loving relationships#of undefined nature with whoever she wants whenever she wants
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public perception on illness has shifted so far that people think i'm insane for not wanting to hug them when they're visibly sick but if they see a medical mask in any context they freak the fuck out
#getting sick every 2 weeks and knowingly spreading it to other people is the norm now i guess!!!#and then there's most liberals who will only mask if they're visibly sick and want to go to a concert or something#being aware of and giving a shit about deadly illnesses should be like a pretty standard position#but it's like crazy radical leftist shit now#i can't correct people when they say 'back during covid' bc it's not socially acceptable to acknowledge that it still exists#and it's considered Too Political to inform people about something that is actively killing them#i hate this reality as if my life wasn't fucked enough in 2019#now everyone's 'moved on' from a problem that still exists#even worse now BECAUSE no one gives a fuck#so those of us who do give a fuck have to work much harder to protect ourselves#while we watch the people around us destroying their health#all bc this hell country prioritizes profit over people#not even to mention the so called leftists who SEE me screaming about this in every platform#and still go 'oh well if you're more comfortable masking that's fine!' :)))#and the continue to go about their daily life pretending we're 'post-covid'#i'm so tired of playing nice about it#vent //#ness talks
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A rock was thrown through the window of our local trans resources office.
My trans and Disability Group was attacked by a dozen troll accounts last week talking about how trans people are into beastiality and child porn.
Troubleshooting, a coworker told me "if these are the worst things that happen this year we'll be getting off lucky"
I know he's right. And the fact that that's true terrifies me.
#disability#cripplepunk#trans#i saw a post recently talking about how you cant get real liberals to care about voting talking about trans issues bc theres too many#rich white trans people and essentially they dont give af#i dont know who youre spending time with but most of the people in my group are homeless or on the verge of it or in abusive households to#survive. we've been abandoned by the government weve been denied aid or told that bc we have some we cant also have food stamps#most of my friends are queer and disabled and people of color#suffering directly and deeply right now in our current politics w every change#one just got cut from health insurance and wiped out her small savings buying medicine she still had to be off of a whole week#there are rich white trans and queers and they dont deserve to die in a genocide either#but also the fact that youre erasing the rest of us the fucking majority of us bc they exist and using it to quantify your betrayal of#yourself and your community to vote ~third party~ up your own ass is fucking disgusting#its stuck in my head like a piece of jagged metal#im so sick of liberals saying my life my friend's lives are worthless for the sake of their idealism and strawmen in other countries
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things i wish everyone a very shut the fuck up about in other tags this new year:
- barbie/oppenheimer
- the magnus archives
#not tagging this with anything in order to adhere to my own principles#space taker upper tag so people dont have to read any of my ranting... bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb#ok thatll do#but seriously i am so fucking sick of going into a podcast tag and all i can find are either completely generic posts the op has tagged#with every podcast under the sun OR jokes/polls involving t*m*a because ofc it's still popular enough to overshadow all the posts im#actually interested in seeing#like you dont have to compare everything to this we get it you listened to two (2) podcasts. just leave it alone#it's exactly the same with barb*nhe*m*r but what really pissed me off with that one was seeing it in the godzilla tag last week. THIS IS NOT#ABOUT YOU 'ooooouhh one movie is serious and the other has pink in it this is just like-' GET A DIFFERENT HOBBY.#honestly there was so much hype i was sick of it before the movies even released but it's still all over the place like i dont even care#if theyre any good or not just keep your shit in your own fucking tags it's not hard#UGHHHH whatever.#once again just so it's clear im censoring the titles in the tags so this post wont show up there it wouldnt change anything if it did and#im not interested in spreading negativity/getting people mad at me for nothing#original
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several days and 15 thousand words later, i am relieved to report that the suffocating urge to Write Something has been sated and no longer has me in a chokehold
#Seven.txt#writing stuff#thinking of that post thatās like āu Have To make art or all the ideas stay stuck in ur brain and make u sickā bc yeah thats been the vibe#wish i wasnāt so all or nothing about it tho. but alas. iām that way with everything in my life#i either expect 10k in a day from myself or i donāt write at all for weeks. or months :)#and my average pace is about 500 words per hour. so u can see. how that might be a problem. given how many hours are in a day.#and thatās obviously not sustainable. but idk if itās adhd or what but itās So hard to quickly start and stop tasks just Whenever#i struggle to be one of those ppl that can consistently write like. 500 words a day every day and then wow! soon you have a whole novel#nah. once i get myself in the Zone then iām Goinā and i canāt stop until iām Done or i collapse from ignoring my bodyās needs lmao#itās something i should make an effort to do though bc iād love to be consistently chipping away at things instead of working in bursts#anyways this is a lotta negative self-commentary for what is actually a Positive post! bc yay!! i wrote a thing!! Two things actually!!! š#i got the follow-up to last yearās Matt oneshot done And i wrote the next chapter of Heaven in Hiding after uh. a year and some months#i wanted to blow the dust off the olā keyboard by starting with writing some less. uh. high-stakes(?) stuff#not that i didnāt put my all into writing them. i always do. just that ik theyāll have less of an audience so ill cringe less if they suck#so then i can hopefully do justice to the [N]MbD stuff that iāll be putting out next! ehehe *rubbing my hands together* Finally#the next two [N]MbD fics r already written but the first little one needs a final edit#and then the Big one for. uh. someone (u kno who u r) needs a bit of rewriting i think. i wanna make it Better#so release schedule will be 1. Matt ā¢ 2. HiH Ch.3 ā¢ 3. [N]MbD small fic ā¢ 4. [N]MbD Big fic#then iām gonna write a lil Boothill comfort oneshot. then iāll edit/maybe rewrite and post that Dew (Ghost) OCD comfort oneshot#i āalso wanna keep writing the last couple chapters of HiH before i unintentionally abandon it again#and after/amidst all that maybe iāll manage to get ES Ch.6 written and posted before the end of the year š#anyways ik iāve made posts like this before. talking abt all these Plans of mine. and most of those things r Still stuck in the pipeline#so donāt put too much stock into this plan. i could have another Bad couple of months and get None of it done#but god i sure fucking hope not. iād really like to cling to my creativity. if for no other reason than that it makes me happy
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#This shouldn't be a surprise but seriously no one actually cares about my survival yes I've asked for help why would I get help#I'm functionally nocturnal and I keep staying up for like 48 hours and then sleeping for a day and I never know where I am#Or what day it is or if it's morning or night#Normal humans eat three meals a day and snacks right I think I maybe eat a snack every other day#I just don't feel hunger and my body hurts and cooking is so much effort I don't have#Weed used to help me be able to eat easily but now everything is just so hard and no food in house n cant go to store bc of ptsd too scary#I keep telling people when they ask that I am doing badly and need help but they as always just tell me to go to the store and buy food#Because it should be easy for a normal person!!! That would be such helpful and kind advice if I were normal#But I am not I am severely sick and traumatized and driving hurts so bad and stores give me panic attacks#Seriously if literally nobody cares about my struggling why not just be euthanized at this point?#This problem is so inconvenient to everyone and I have done all I can to convince people that I'm worth the inconvenience but :(#If I were worth talking to or visiting or helping people would have done that and I would be fine but I am not and that's okay#I genuinely don't mind being a husk at all#I'm just weirdly sad about it right now maybe because I think I feel hungry but genuinely I can't tell thanks autism#I also haven't been able to do my t shot in like three or four weeks I keep trying but I literally can't get the needle in :((#I imagine less testosterone in my system also makes me tired and lose my appetite#I'm so fucked up and nobody cares that I start my day at 8pm and am active and reply to emails and shit at 4am#Why would anyone notice that first of all but still. I would notice.#When even strangers are struggling I notice and I will do anything for anyone but it's selfish upon selfish to expect it back I understand#I keep looking for arfid and ed affirmations to help me but I can't find anything good#Genuinely . what the fuck#Just fucking need to be someone's dog feed me walk me put me in a cage teach me how to be better and treat me like I don't know shit#Because I don't I'm so stupid I can't even feed myself I'm dying please help me
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found out that rascal's owner took him again while i was out, and he's probably not gonna be back since the semester's almost over. i don't even know if his owner's coming back next semester, if i'll ever see him again. if he'll ever see me again. why do they wait until im not around to do this? why do they never let me say goodbye to him?
#i didnt really get to process it bc i found out when i was hanging w a friend but. im processing it now#sigh.. i dont know. i dont know.#at the end of the day he is and has always been someone else's cat. i can't control what she does with him#no matter what i think of it. she can always take him away. but every time it happens im just. im tired yknow?#it's worth it to me to have him around. i love him dearly and i want him to be in a home where he's actually cared for (which i have done my#best to provide) but he's just. not mine. and every time it happens i back up and think man. im such a sucker.#i don't think people manipulate me often. not in an ongoing way i mean. i don't think ppl see me as valuable enough to most of the time.#but damn. she really found my weak spots didn't she. free petcare courtesy of one chump who can't live without animals around. sigh#he deserves stability but he deserves love more. this weird shared custody thing is better for him i think. and frankly i also love him.#im not the priority here but my feelings are like. there. him being taken away without even telling me first hurts. i'd like to be able to#say goodbye to him. im not saying he has to stay or this has to go on but couldn't they just.. consider my feelings a bit more?#just bc you're fine with dropping your cat off somewhere for weeks not knowing when you'll see him again and not visiting doesn't mean i am#and i kind of feel like my roommate is part of this. after all it's not like his owner can just break into our room and take him#and if im always out when they do it there's a chance roomie's just shipping him off whenever she gets sick of him.#she's done it before. even after she agreed so vehemently with me about never wanting him to go back to such treatment and stuff early on.#she's been spraying him for little reason lately too. and i mean i get being a little more cautious with some things bc her neck's broken#but she's really fixated on how much he smells and bites and stuff and talks about how if i wasn't around she'd consider eating him#and then other times she's like that's my pookie. i don't get it. like yeah i tell rascal to fuck off sometimes bc he hurts me but it's not#like a hateful thing. i dont resent him for it i'm just annoyed sometimes bc he's maiming me a little. he's my baby. how could i loathe him?#so it makes me think that roomie might be blaming his transfers on his owner bc she doesn't want me to judge her#and like. this is her room too. it's not her fault she's more bothered by the smell than me. if she doesn't want to be bitten and clawed all#the time i can sympathize. i don't wanna force her to house him. but i wish she'd just be honest with me i guess#like. what if his owner decides to give him away without telling me? i'd take him in in a heartbeat. even though i know it's a bad idea.#but i'm worried he'll fall out of my reach completely. and at the very least I'd like to be able to say goodbye first. that's all.
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Two of my favorite thrift stores are having dollar and quarter sales this weekend and Iām stuck in bed because my body hates me ššš
#Iām being extra whiney and annoying tonight#I also was supposed to go to a listening party for Taylor Swifts new album tonight#but nope#fucking germs and fucking bad immune system#I know Iāll be fine in a couple days#but like if I could not get sick every other week thatād be nice#anywho hereās to hoping tomorrow I donāt feel like such a crusty goblin#send me something nice to brighten my mood#if you want#pls and thank you#ok whining over#for now#lol#mine#text post
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