#ALSO.... NOT A LOT OF PEOPLE IN THE WESTERN WORLD KNEW ABT WHAT WAS HAPPENING BC IT WASNT RLY REPORTED ON OR TALKED ABOUT

[rainbowtvz]

anyway im not a stan but this is definitely a keanu reeves support zone.

[istherewifiinhell]

okayyyy also. tagged by @joelletwo for 5 topics i could talk about for an hour with no prep.

now. two things. 1. i have infernal podcast dude energy and could say a lot about nothing. weird trait to have if u dont like talking to people? hard to say. 2. GESTURES AT BLOG. im ALREADY. talking at length abt my beloved shit. so im just ruling out turtles, alien robots, trek, etcetcetc all the shit thats been a main blog topic for the last past. 4 years?

I'm gonna say.... western voice actors? not that i could really. Give a lecture so much as. I'm way more familiar with them that than I am live action actors. And I'm kinda just CONSTANTLY like. Oh you know so and so from every cartoon youve ever fucking seen? And FEEL a real. gap. with people when they dont have a same reference point. probably like how ppl feel with me when i dont know their acting guys jhadbgjfga. Like u can name 5 VAs from ur childhood cartoons/animated movies right? And personal interest like, hey btw u know like the entire cast of tng was in disneys gargoyles? U know keith david can SING? And diego luna? Hey you know about Canadian actors who are in all the dubs and video games and yeah cheap shit? You know Scott McNeil right? You know Ian James Corlett? You know. THE IAN. of being Ian. Hello. is this thing still on?

I really like and care about the topics of education, children's rights and pedagogy? Not academically so much as, personal interest. What seeing very clearly that there was a lot of arbitrary rules that involved things like. The Government. and Systems. as a child does to a motherfucker I guess? I'm always INTERESTED in a discussion about it, is how i mean I guess. Like focuses of multiple intelligence and "applied knowledge" (and short comings there of). I mean long and short of it. Kids are full human beings and until u can grapple with that their feelings and opinions um. Actually matter. I hate you? jdhbgjhdb. And Naturally the world being good for kids has the prerequisite of it not sucking ass for adults too....

UHhhh guh. User design/civil engineering? You'll hear it from me until the day I die, crushed under the tires of a ford f1 giga truck with the LED 20million watt bulbs. PROTECTED BIKE LANES. for the love of god. I just know a lot of designers I guess and like engineering, conceptually. But like, u know that famous bridge everyone crashes into. If theres 80million warning signs and people are still crashing... maybe theres. other factors. Or you know ofc like, traffic planning, vehicle accidents, structural disasters. A lot of them are not just. Things happening. Tragedies. There's politics there. Usually a lot of Money stuff. and structural racism. The real reason your fridge is full is that there's a bunch of half empty condiment jars hiding all your forgotten left overs. And widening the roads isnt gonna do shit for traffic.

Jackass entry: Themes and motifs of anyyytthing ive watched with another person or saw, and like they also know it. I realllly like, visual theming and narrative shorthands. Anything that breaks like, maybe people in this setting dont have the same customs, but their gonna do something so you the audience can recognize it. Non literal/accurate use of colour and lighting, for mood and clarity. Breaking the physical shape and scale of things so they can appear and be readable on screen. COSTUMING COSTUMING COSTUMING. A well styled character can do soooo much for your understanding of a work, especially with large casts, and a poorly styled one can take me right out. Well. anyway. yes i love animation u all knew that.

uhhhhh Thatgamecompany/giantsquids studio. im giving myself a free space. lol technically I DO. blog about this. the music. at least. BUT beloved. games. Me and everyone else I guess. Hey speaking of u know its laura bailey and troy baker as the voices in the pathless? And you know how a lot of the games have themes of coming into being/growing/rebirth. And LOTS of environmentalism. And implied cultural world building, and wordless stories. and beautiful metaphor rich otherworldly visuals. and gameplay styles that really connect with the emotional story their going for. and ofc, the music. oh the leit motifs. well. there u go. sword of the sea when?

tagginggg. uh did anyone get @deadgrantaires or @army-of-bee-assassins yet? anyone elseeee who wants to regale me with things they knowww about. id love to know.

[bookwyrminspiration]

ah! i forget sometimes not everyone knows abt the khmer rouge haha--ofc i don't know it in great detail but again another way my parents were different, where most other people we know who went through the same thing are pretty closed off to their kids abt what happened they told us a lot of stories about what it was like living there both before and after the regime. so many crazy impossible stories of survival it's kind of hard to think anything else compares? it was basically just the cpk, communist regime/party, took over after winning the civil war, forced everyone into labor camps, and destroyed anything that came from other countries (especially america and other western countries) because the party i guess wanted to declare that cambodia was better and they could survive without outside help? so people who weren't fully cambodian, who spoke other languages, who were more educated etc were much more likely to be killed. and both my parents were chinese cambodian, but my dad was like. really little when it was all going down so he only knew mandarin until he was taught + he stayed a lot longer than my mother did. thing i think about a lot, unrelated to language but i just think you would find it interesting, is during that time money became nothing--because the regime was controlling everything anyway and all non-soldiers got equal amounts of very little--so in lieu of paper/metal currency people would trade in salt. in the 1970s. it's both like wow so interesting i could use this in my classed (and DID. so many times <3 it can't be said i don't use the inherited khmer trauma to my advantage) and also just, dude, that was the 70s. the rest of the world was kind of just like. chilling in their normal 1970s events. elvis was probably still alive.

Thank you very much for the impromptu history lesson, I know I could've looked it up myself (and I do intend to do more research on my own, don't worry, I don't intent to make you my sole source), but I figured you could better articulate which parts specifically related to what we were talking about. which you did with the mandarin comment

I have an ongoing list of things to research and look into in general, and I have now added the khmer rouge to said list. I'm not super rigorous with it, so I don't know when I'll get around to this topic, but I do intend to. It seems like an important event to be aware of on several levels--though that is, of course, an understatement. It's kinda hard to capture all the horrors and reactions to them in words. Like saying "my condolences to your parents for being under a life-threatening oppressive regime" doesn't feel like it covers everything, but how do I cover everything?

You are right though, that salt thing is very interesting. I'm very curious how that worked--was salt in short, demanded supply? How much was it worth that it could replace money? I suppose those are questions to be investigated with my research :)

Also! Looked it up, and Elvis would've still been alive. Died in 1977, so depending on when exactly in the 70s we're talking, you are entirely right he'd still be alive. Again, thank you very much for the overview, I don't know if I would've heard about it otherwise if you hadn't brought it up, so I appreciate it

[cogbreath]

that article was difficult to read but it does make some good points. i wish it would have expanded more upon saw itself there was many comparisons and detailings of films i havent heard of or know about so maybe if i knew more abt them it might make more sense. anyway whats interetsting to me is everyone in the notes who is like "well actually. saw is australian." as if this changes much of anything regarding 9/11 as an influence on its messaging. 9/11 wasnt osmethng that impacted JUST america. something like that happening to a nation as powerful as america has effects everywhere. as a result of this a lot of the western world developed a collective sense of vengance about it. so it really makes not a whole world of difference its an aussie film. 9/11 was taken personally by the (cultural) west as a whole. many many nations were eager to "assist" with the investigation by any means possible. i dont really need to expand further on that you get the idea. 9/11 didnt happen in a vaccuum. another thing i find interesting is the fact that a lot of ppl are like "well DUH jigsaw is the VILLIAN!" ...which, yes. but that does not change the fact that there are many many people who'd see him more as an anti-hero in a way. in current times we are somewhat more understanding towards people struggling with addiction, but lets think about what the average viewer in 2004 might think. probably very many could justify the torture of drug addicts in their minds. the average viewer wouldnt and still does not bother to think further about the fact jigsaw majorly targets marginalized people, people that are socially considered "undesirable". ppl can justify his actions in their mind that its for their own good or something they had coming. he is a villian that the average person can look at with a sense of understanding, especially with the backstory of his wife losing her baby because of the actions of a drug addict. a justification that could be made is "even if his actions and methods are extreme he is punishing people who hurt him, and on top of that, people who are considered detriments to society." this is very *very* similar to the jsutifications of the bush & obama administration in regards to the war on terror & gtmo. People may disagree with the use of torture, but they remind themeslves its "for the greater good" and also happening to people who are labeled as terrorists or accomplices of terrorists. (you can even draw parallels to the puritan style of justice and punishment and how it still continues to pervade and influence american culture and values)

[jageunyeoujari]

‘idea’ & self-knowledge as love as freedom

w thanks to @radiatingdyke​​ & henrik !!

so in a previous post, i talked abt spectacle & respect in criminal for context. now starting off w henrik’s thoughts re: plato:

"It’s honestly pretty ambiguous what Plato means by it- at least in the republic- The core theory is that ideal forms are a truer kind of reality than the shadows. The philosopher escapes a cave of shadows projected on the wall by a ruling class, the only “reality” they ever knew and were literally bound to. They crawl through a treacherous passage to find themselves face to face with the dazzling light of the sun which blinds them temporarily, and as their eyes adjust they find themselves in a forest and realize the shadow puppet of “tree” was not the real tree all along! For what the shadows are: Idk how developed popular media/conventional politics were at the time but we (America) based a lot of our shit on it so I think one strong possibility is we find ourselves in a modern allegory of the cave where the shadows dancing on the wall are the world as it’s told to us- through news education and policy and the “real” is personal experience and genuine community. Then shadows would then be actual reality as we know it, including the real trees and personal experience, a veil placed over us by metaphysical forces which can be lifted through Godwork to reveal the true nature of the inner workings of the universe. The last part of the allegory is that the philosopher returns to the cave to free the other prisoners and spread the light”

so while criminal is the revelation in the toxic cycle of the idol culture & mutual destruction & obsession are confused for love, idea is making the decision to learn what true love & connection is, leaving behind the suffocating expectations demanded by the industry, & in the process, become complete in his humanity.

so we first see taemin in jail, condemning himself for his role in the toxic parasocial relations of idol culture, and literally... calling himself out.... altho i would say that this:

in criminal is purgatory proper, the jail may be the end point of his journey there. he confesses his sins, his soul gets purified, & then next we see him in the bar which is confirmed to be heaven (which happens to look much like lee soo man's office) while the flashy models stare at taemin, the walking dead, the posh people in suits (likely executives) ignore him. 

so here we have taemin trying to fit in seemlessly in this world of the elites who have the highest level of control in the idol industry. here, he is assured his status as the best & now guaranteed to be free of pain... but on their terms. there is shallow comfort but nothing else. the others content w playing games & eating delicacies, surrounded by alcohol, but are contained to sitting, indulging in frivolities, & passively looking on but no chance of connection. the bar is just another form of intoxication, but unlike criminal where there is at least an illusion of attaining love, heaven is merely stagnant. this idealized heaven of the elites cannot give true freedom as it is based on sterility & exclusivity, just another form of social control. "the dangerous dream that swallowed me is proven by you." staying here would be another form of self-betrayal & denial of the love he seeks so he rebels against heaven through his dancing, an affirmation of his life.

taemin then being shocked that all these shadow versions of himself are not the truth... silvery dissolving forms... his identity fragmenting............ but still taemin still can't break away from the illusion that the adoration & fame he receives as an idol could be actually hurting him.

as @radiatingdyke has talked about, BoA's 'killing me' line is reminiscent of korean shamans channeling gods. significant that it is BoA who he channels as they are both similar, debuting at a very young age & have been massive stars ever since then. "you are my messiah" BoA cuts him off, speaking the truth. this isn't who he rly is or what he actually wants. he must face himself & the truth or he will die. 

the mirror steps are i think symbolic of plato's ladder of love. to my understanding, the ladder of love is basically about how the aim of life is the ascension of the soul to heaven. the gods can do this as a god's soul is in perfect balance w all the different aspects of itself which makes them necessarily wise & good. humans' souls are in disarray, however, & it is this conflict between all parts of the soul which makes it difficult for us to follow the gods to heaven. to do this, people have to understand the true Form of beauty, by climbing the ladder of love. the steps start from loving a body which one is attracted to due to physical beauty & by understanding the beauty of this body, one can then consider how the beauty of one body is found in all bodies. the progression goes on from loving more broadly until we come to the last step, love of knowledge & wisdom. now one is able to see the actual form of Beauty, bringing harmony to your soul. so in order to taemin to finally know peace within himself, he has to know how to love.

& the progression of the ladder implies for me that by first learning to care for others but understanding who they are in their completeness & beauty, you eventually are able to learn to care for yourself & see the beauty in your own soul. & on the flip side, the better able you care for yourself, the more you are able to care for others. i'll discuss this more when i go into my thoughts on act 2 as a whole but basically, the rest of act 2 has a truly warm & loving atmosphere when taemin speaks to the other. in comparison, act 1 presents his experience of 'love' as enmeshment, painful, confusing, losing his self of sense to cater to the desires of the other. there are feelings of obligation to stay in this destructive relationship bc that’s his prescribed role & anyway, any attention is better than none at all. 

ppl w a poor sense of self can readily suffer mistreatment for the sake of a semblance of connection, confusing obsession for love when what’s rly happening is actually cathexis, an investment of emotions. while care & affection can exist w cathexis, as does happen in fans’ relations w idols, this is not the same thing as love which liberates & cultivates growth in yourself & the other. fans’ obsession w idols quickly flipping to hate when idols stray from the designated persona of perfection is investment in that image but is not real love. in act 1, he does not understand the other clearly for what it is, destruction that must end, & the fact that he is suffering. without such awareness, he is incapable of truly giving & receiving love. 

& while act 2 does have similar themes of taking on other's pain, it becomes a stark contrast to act 1 bc he does so from a place of utter assurance of his identity & true self-love, not from the fear of being left alone. he loves himself for who he is so he is able to love for ourselves purely as well.

& as @radiatingdyke has said (& in much more detail than i can) the ladder reflecting the sky can also be a reference to indigenous korean beliefs where the sky represents the entire universe. the creator god is Hanulnim, literally sky god.  

 also, even tho NGDA as a whole is replete w western imagery & references & v catholic, the overarching narrative of the 2 albums don't feel western to me in that there never is a fight between good & evil. a typical western narrative would be more like there would the defeat of like 'criminal' taemin by 'good' taemin or an obvious redemption arc. & to me, idea doesn't read so much as he confronts & then accepts both the good & the bad in him but that he leaves behind these limited concepts altogether & instead connects back to the true essence of the universe & becomes free to be utterly himself.

he’s struggled so much over the course of his career w figuring out how to reconcile the duality of himself, what it means to be authentic as an idol, wishing for his true self to be seen & appreciated. it’s always been looking outward for that validation but skirting away from revealing the whole truth of himself... & idea is the final answer to all that. no more denial, repression, burning away of the past, configuration to other ppl’s desires, no more use of mystery as a defense against the fear of being rejected if people see him for who he really is. he accepts himself for who he is & that’s all that matters.

in classic gaytholic taem fashion, he compares himself to jesus + mary + other divinity in NGDA imagery but ultimately, taemin is done w being both a god & the condemned. “i’ve finally opened my eyes.” he’s never been anything but a human being & he’s showing us all the beauty in that.

[yibuo]

1. As a SA I agree with u that sex is something we dont discuss and we never even touch the topic until we think we're grown up to talk abt, even with friends. I love it when western ppl try to discuss and dissect asian content with their own values and upbringing. So I dont really think lwj or wei ying are asexual at all, the story in the novel starts at a tender age of 13 or 14 and most asian kids at that age are really kids, No 13 year I knew was confident abt dating at that young age.

2. But I disagree u on one think I loved the way the author wrote lan zhan, coz this boy has hidden away from any human emotion. He locked himself in the library or used to practice what he learned, he never even learned the art of simple conversation and suddenly him realising that he might have fallen in love must have made his life unstable. Him telling his brother that he might be in love just tells u how much wei ying affected him, he just didnt have the tools to express the need and love

3. Lwj was smitten and even wrote a song just for them, he wasnt confident enough and didnt know enough to make a move, when he did wei ying forgot and so lwj kept thinking he was reject but still stood with him. Lwj is basically the longing and wwx was disbelief. Wwx never believed he was worth anything, he might have gotten a house to call home but the way the lady of the house treated him made him have issues. Love wasnt the only thing which made him give his golden core to jc.

4. It was also the sense of duty that these ppl helped me now I have to sacrifice myself for them. Even with lwj he keeps thinking hes ruined lwjs white cloths everytime they end up fighting someone or thing. He felt guilty for his feelings coz he wasnt sure that he would be ever accepted anywhere. Wen for him became a mission coz he lived as a dirt poor kid, he knew how they felt.

5. So yep I dont think lwj or wwx were written badly it's just the cultural thing coming in abt relationships. I seriously am loving this writers another novel coz they write the relationship like normalised relationships. Couples are made when one person is persuaded by the other. Never have I seen both ppl fall in love at the same time. P.S. sorry for the rant, it just makes me angry when white ppl think that us asians live their kind of life style

hey! this is going under the cut because much food for thought. you made 2 valid points and i’ll reply to both. also please feel free to correct me if i’m wrong. this is just based on my experience as a south asian lgbt who had the luxury to grow up and figure out this whole sex and lgbt thing along with other (east & south) asian lgbt individuals. i’m definitely not opposed to criticism and it’s important that i be corrected should i have said something wrong !!!!! and tbh that might give me some priviledge because i know some asian individuals probably didn’t have the same type of support group that i did to help figure out sexuality things

western values and expectations being pushed onto asian media - i think it’s really funny how people from the west like to push their expectations of romance/relationships onto asian media. like asian parents, east or south, are very minimal about exposing us to sex ed and sex in media, and media itself is very minimal on showing sexual attraction between characters (straight or gay) and romance is limited to kissing and hugging (unless it’s after marriage...maybe). like sex is just viewed as a baby-making tool?? i had this convo with my 1st gen east-asian friends last night nd we all came to the conclusion that we grew up w the idea that “sex happens but it only happens to ur partner for the rest of ur life” kinda thing so it’s completely a culture shock to us when western media has high-schoolers having sex and being chill about it ?? i couldn’t even imagine. so yeah anyway. not asexual. no sex in the show doesn’t mean asexual.that’s just not how dramas work lol plus yeah lol why are people expecting teenagers to have sex like...???? that’s just not a thing in mainstream media btw i’m not saying that gay sex shouldn’t be in asian media- i’m just tryna say that sex in general isn’t prominent especially in asian media

also it’s really interesting a lot of people were like the western idea of gay relationships are “conservative” like i feel like the hypersexualization especially of gay men started from western culture (specifically cis white males, for ex, when they first started making clinics to target lgbt people, the clinics were modeled after cis white males, which ended up ostracizing other lgbt groups) lol (like have U Seen All The Gay Thirst Traps On TikTok Lol /s) i’ve seen a lot of my friends (asian and white alike) be negatively affected by these standards which are propogated by the hypersexualization of gay males

wangxian- for lwj i just wish they didn’t write that part where he was some angsty teen who had to blindfold kss his crush to get his point across...i think that part was just so weird because it kinda furthers the idea of “people forcing each other on other people is romantic” but like it really isn’t?? idk that’s just my 2 cents i feel like that’s common sense lol and then i think it’s weirder that he hides it and even weirder that at the end it’s just cool “like o u forced kissed me? i thought it was a girl or something but that’s cool whatever <3″ idk it was just weird and it didn’t sit well w/ me. i’ve just seen people close to me affected by this kind of stuff and romanticizing of noncon just doesn’t seem like a kink it’s just. weird. sorry i don’t know how to form sentences. otherwise i really liked the idea of lwj being someone who’s so far from romance and love and expressing emotion turning into someone who shows love and loyalty

tldr; asian mainstream media doesn’t really focus on sex (not sexuality but sex), kinky sexy times are ok but noncon isn’t, western ppl stop tryna take over the world pls

[transrightsjimin]

Hi, it really sounds like you need to give yourself a break! In my opinion, the most important way of being on the left is making a conscious effort to be a generally good person. You feel it in your heart and treat people accordingly and are mindful about your actions. You also have no responsibilities beyond what you are able to give.That's how you live ethically. Being politically active in a traditional way is no guarantee at all that someone is a good person improving lives for the better.

ok so i had this ask in my inbox for like, at least half a year, but i’m going through my old asks now bc i’m in a mood to reply. i’ve tried to answer this ask at least once before but then closed the tab on accident or something (which also happened with a more recent ‘tell 5 things abt yourself / tag 10 followers‘ ask).

though i haven’t answered this ask publicly, i’ve often thought of your message throughout this year. seeing leftism as an active effort to continuously self-improve on being a better person really resonates with me. i can’t say this has fully given me a peace of mind, since i still feel like i’m not doing enough, when looking at how my friend is actively talking to others in a leftist organization i do think i could benefit a lot from talking to others like that, but i don’t know how to specifically affiliate with a group and i do tend to feel very ashamed and horrible in a social group after even the smallest struggle or a disagreement in a personal encounter. i deal very poorly with confrontation and tend to cry when it happens so seeking out a political organization / group seems counteractive.

this idea of self-improvement did help me though. i used to have this mindset in which i took everything i knew for granted. i never fully believe myself but i did notice that i put more trust in words of people who didn’t challenge things i already was taught to think (e.g. western ideas of how certain things should be). during the re-surge of BLM protests in recent months i realized just how i didn’t listen enough to Black voices and thinking i knew enough about this in 2016, or even wrote about a discussion on twitter which truly was not within my right to discuss. i think this has diminished a lot over the years, but i’m still finding myself sometimes seeking validation / acknowledgement for doing something good or offering support, as if people should deserve an award for showing basic human decency and respect. so i’m still not anywhere near i want to be, and i don’t think there should be an end goal either way, because to think you can’t improve any further is where you lose a progressive drive (which is quite relevant to the Netherlands, which keeps portraying itself as a progressive country bc of gay marriage, freedom of religion and women’s rights, while falling behind with other EU countries on many aspects such as the environment, social programs, anti-racism and the former three motives). i see old people who call themself leftist, but have decided to reach a point in their lives where they stop empathizing with groups they don’t understand and thus use quite conservsative views. i don’t think millenials, gen z whatnot are excempt from this end result unless we get rid of this idea that someone can at one point be - or already is - politically enlightened enough.

to touch upon the last aspect to this ask and what i was most concerned about, i.e. showing improvement and caring for others at an interpersonal level when something more isn’t possible: you’re absolutely right. i so often feel so stressed and defeated by everything going on in the world and i want to do more, help relieve as much pain as i can, get more inspired and edicated, whatnot. and i do not want to use this as an excuse but the reality is that i really find it hard to connect to other people due to autism and the continuous embarrassment i feel about myself, and only recently i realized i was so depressed 7 years ago after high school exams due to burnout and i never fully recovered from this. i’m in a somewhat better place mentally bc i live with my friend since 2 years now instead of with my parents, but i still feel lethargic and emotionally unstable and i’m not getting much done. ideally, i’d be doing a lot more than spreading information online / trying to unlearn racist, classist, ableist etc ideas / going to only 4 demonstrations within a couple of years, but that’s probably not realistic for now. i really cannot handle confrontation and currently i’m still hoping to get a more structured week schedule and less stress about income so i could hopefully get a better sense of what i could do in the future. admittedly i still feel bad for engaging with my special interests so much every day and often trying to shut out other things but maybe that’s just what i need for the time being. just, man, i thought the world would be inhabitable by 2020-2030 when i was a kid learning about climate change in primary school and i feel so helpless in all of this.

im crying a lot now up to the point where it’s gross / snotty but i’d just like to say thank you for this ask. you might not even read this as the ask was sent ages ago but i’m rly thankful and wanted to let you know i didn’t deliberately ignore your message or not think about it or something. thank you.

[iturbide]

I loved that last snippet you posted! Though that does raise some questions, namely abt Grima. Him sometimes posessing/controling Robin is already cool, but what changed that he can do that? I'm super curious overall how he fits into the story, could you tell us a bit about him here? Like, you talked before how he was worshipped as Plegia's protector, and I'm curious abt how his character developed in this world

I’m so glad you enjoyed it I’ve been mulling that particular scene over for a while and trying to figure out how to write it, so I’m glad it turned out well!

but oh my friend i am always delighted to talk about grima c; 

One thing to note from the outset is that we’ve actually seen Grima before.  Twice.  And even when Grima’s influence isn’t at the fore, there have been moments when Robin’s reactions weren’t necessarily his own.  Grima is a constant presence here, subtle, just out of sight – and it all traces back to events in the last few millennia. 

So this requires some delving into ancient history.  A lot of things remain the same from a general timeline standpoint (though I don’t follow the Accordion because I take some issue with its progression of events; this ended up being a pretty solid breakdown of how I see the chain of events), but a few things are notably different, and they become very, very important. 

To start with: Forneus didn’t just get divine dragon blood for his experiment.  He managed, somehow, to lay hands on a viable Divine Dragon egg – an incredible, terrible feat given the fact that the degeneration had taken its toll on fertility rates and the Divine Dragon tribe had been decimated by the war.  He wasn’t just performing alchemic experiments on blood, he had the real thing and used alchemy to modify and manipulate it, which resulted in Grima having the strength and many of the same general abilities as the rest of the Divine Dragon tribe, but with some oddities mixed in (a few things he can’t do that they can, a few more he can that they can’t) because of how that magic influenced his development.  In the end, Forneus superstitions and his increasing mental instability made him try to kill his creation when it finally emerged, only to fail and lose the tiny dragon to the darkness of the labyrinth, which kept him safe from Duma’s destruction of Thabes and gave him room to grow until Alm and Celica accidentally broke the seal that let him out into the world. 

Because Naga had retreated to the eastern half of the Archanean continent following Mila and Duma’s exile (due in large part to the fact that she couldn’t maintain life in the desert without Mila’s assistance), the creation ended up settling on the western side.  His presence caused disturbances in the normal weather patterns, bringing more rain to the dry landscape, and soon enough the struggling desert populations began to flock to the dragon and establish a greater presence.  These first humans called him Grima – and once he realized that it was their name for him, he began to respond quite readily.  

Besides making life easier from an agricultural standpoint, Grima also offered humans shelter and protection from outside threats, both natural and manmade.  He earned his title of “the fell dragon” through his fierce retaliation against those who caused harm to his people and his lands – but in general, he was a very calm, reasonable dragon who let people do their own things and just liked to watch, frequently doing flyovers of his territory just to see what they were up to. 

Unfortunately, Grima never stopped growing.  He just kept getting bigger and bigger as the centuries passed, until finally Naga couldn’t possibly miss him.  Despite the fact that he showed no signs of degeneration and was by no means a threat to her people or his own, she judged that the risk he posed should he succumb to madness was too great – so she made her bond with her Chosen human and went to war with the fell dragon. 

Now, Divine Dragons with that much power tend to have some strange abilities.  Naga, for example, can hear the prayers of those who reach out to her (according to Nah’s support conversations with Morgan).  Grima, being a full-blooded (if somewhat strange) Divine Dragon, had his own set of talents, though he understood them rather poorly – namely the ability to read the thoughts and hearts of those he could lay eyes on.  And one look told him all he needed to know about Naga’s Chosen: he was, indeed, a powerful man – but he was also cruel and self-righteous, and Grima knew that if he won the battle then Grima’s people would be in great danger.  And with Naga’s backing, the fell dragon’s chances of victory seemed slim at best. 

So Grima turned to the people closest to him and granted them a small boon: not a full blood bond, the way Naga had with her Chosen, but a small fragment of power to help see them through the troubled times he feared would come.  That gift was intended to help protect the people in his stead – and from there, Grima charged them with gathering as many as they could and heading west, away from the battlefield to come.

Grima had no army, when Naga and the first Exalt came.  Grima fought alone, and fell alone, in a desperate attempt to save his people. 

And that should have been the end of it.  But what Grima didn’t know, thanks to his poor understanding of his own powers, was that the blood boon he granted those people would endure, passed down from one generation to the next over a thousand years.  He didn’t know that a cult would form within the faith dedicated to his name, devoted to restoring the fell dragon’s blood to its full might.  And he never, ever expected that there would come a day when a babe bearing his Mark was born into the world. 

Grima felt it, when Robin entered the world.  His body was dead and turned to nothing but bone and dust, but after a thousand years his soul suddenly had a physical connection to something, grounding him somewhere rather than simply existing formlessly and watching the passage of time.  Grima has been there as Robin grew up, has seen the world close-up for the first time in centuries…and has realized, too, the dangers in it for not just the people he left behind, but for this child who bears his blood. 

That connection is a strong one, and the fact that Grima’s soul is bound so closely to Robin means that things can bleed over between them sometimes.  Grima has a visceral reaction to Falchion, for example, because he remembers the blade that took his life, while Robin interprets the sudden surge of emotion as fear at where things are headed.  More often, Grima uses that bond to interact with Robin (though he interprets it as just mentally debating with himself, and Grima’s happy to let him think that), or to channel power to Robin when he needs it, giving him a surge of strength or magic to get out of a tight spot (basically I headcanon that Ignis is actually Grima lending Robin power in battle).  But when things are dire, and something Robin loves is at stake, when he loses himself to panic or fear or rage – that’s where Grima will step in to ensure that Robin does not lose that which he holds most dear. 

Grima’s careful about this, of course, never actually pushing Robin aside and possessing him completely.  They exist in parallel – as though Grima has taken Robin’s hands and begun to lead him through the steps of an unfamiliar task, affording them incredible power with Grima’s focus to make the best use of it.  That is a lot of energy to channel through a human, though, and it takes a serious toll on Robin’s body – he’s not kidding about the burning analogy, that much energy puts his every system into overdrive to increase his speed, his reflexes, his strength, his magic – meaning that even at his very best, Robin can only sustain Grima’s full might for about five minutes, ten if he really pushes it (and then his recovery period is significant).  

(Fun note: the first time that happened, it was completely by accident.  When they stumbled across that burned battlefield, Robin’s horror perfectly mirrored Grima’s own, and the resulting resonance pulled them into parallel with Grima getting his first actual taste of interacting with the world through a human body.  It was Henry that jarred them both out of it, and pulled Robin back to the fore while Grima ceded control.)

Ultimately, Grima has no interest whatsoever in returning to the world.  He’s content with the way things are, and being able to watch things the way he used to (actually it’s better, since he can get closer than he could in his flyovers); combined with the fact that Robin is intent on keeping Plegia safe for his own reasons, Grima is more than happy to lend him power when he needs it – and is actually quite pleased by Robin’s very peaceable nature, and the way he resorts to violence only as a last resort rather than fighting first and asking questions later (since Grima himself attacked only after the first enemy blow had landed). 

And as a final, random note: Robin can read people the same way Grima could, though not with the same clarity (he can’t actually read minds, but he gets very strong impressions when he interacts with someone for the first time).  Grima himself still has that ability, though, and when he’s at the fore he can get the full measure of someone from a look and then leverage it to its full advantage. 

[boglog]

Wholesome Questionare Tag Meme

Tagged by @80sglamcowboy Rules are: -Post the rules -Answer the questions given to you by the tagger -Write eleven questions of your own -Tag eleven people

This is long as Hell, friends and I apologise.

One inquisitive bitch has asked me:

1. Name one person (real or fictional) that you think you could 100% take on in a fight

Foaming mouth guy from Avatar. He’s got no stamina, barely any health, no skill. He’s unfocused and weak and my noodley nerd-ass could take him. (Though I am a little concerned he has rabies.)

2. What’s your favourite snack rn

Grilled cheese w veggies, mustard, and grilled tofu w a side of ketchup made by my roommate. It’s honestly the purest thing.

3. Which apocalypse do you think you’d do the best in? (i.e. Nuclear winter/ robot uprising/ Too many vampires, etc)

O man. I love apocalypse movies and I love survival horror (that one episode of the X Files where they’re trapped in a cabin, anybody?). I also genuinely love camping and I’m a bit of a medical hobbyist. I also watched an unreasonable amount of prepper videos on YouTube. That said, as mentioned above, I am a couch potato weekling. Furthermore, I don’t do well in conflict so if the world hierarchy collapses into a power vacuum where you have to Orange is the New Black-style intimidate ppl for supplies, I would melt and die quickly.

My best bet, it would seem, is an Arrival-esque alien apocalypse where the ones who have enough patience and sci fi knowledge to communicate w aliens are at the top of the food chain. And worst case scenario it’s better for my ego to die at the hands of an alien than a human.

Sci go apocalypses are just cleaner y'know ¯\_(ツ)_/¯


4. Best and worst fandom you’ve been in? Or have you somehow managed to avoid fandom completely?

Worst has to be Steven Universe. I regret not just moving on after I got bored. Ah well.

(I also think celebrity/real ppl fandoms are a dead end.)

My other fandoms all have various pros and cons and it’s hard to pick a favourite.

Adventure Time has great fanart, great meta and ppl have yet to descend into Homestuck-ian chaos. That said, they’re quiet af. People also fixate way too much on the fake fanfic AU Fionna and Cake. I have yet to read a really good Bonny/Marcy fic and that is a tragedy (a few have come close tho). Bottom line for AT tho is that it’s my go to wholesome cartoonist fandom. I like that it has depth but that it’s generally very simple and fun and that the fans are mostly shut in animation adults.

AtLA/LoK fandom’s biggest pro is that it’s huge and you literally never ran out of quality content. I’ve even made a few friends via this decade old franchise. It’s also enjoyably rich and complex. One of my favourite (now inactive) blogs was one that connected world building and little background Easter eggs to real Chinese history and culture. That wAs so cool!! I defs think as a Chinese person it allowed me to connect to non-western culture in a socially acceptable way.

The downsides tho are many: it can be overwhelmingly complicated (esp as someone who knows jack shit abt Chinese history), people take it too seriously, The Great Shipping Wars, it’s so big it’s a little lonely, the show itself has so many flaws upon greater inspection you wonder why you wasted your time on anything related to it, it’s an Asian themed story created by white dudes who make fun of their fans, the best parts of the show were written by other writers but those same white guys get k the credit. Also as w any fandom related to POC culture, racism happens. Anyways most of you know this already. IMO the best thing to have happened do the fandom is korrasami. Now it’s just abt Asian lesbians ruling the world.

(Though I also thoroughly enjoy the Family Rivalry part of the fandom. There are so mNy dysfunctional families to choose from!)

Rick and Morty is technically speaking my newest fandom. It’s got a lot of obvious cons (pickle Rick sexists, Szechuan sauce racists, asfhkkh incest) but one other con is just how pedantic and overly analytical people are abt the world building. I can’t breathe wo being corrected. RM has a misleadingly complicated high sci fi aesthetic that begets the kind of overanalysing my brand of overanalytical nerdiness can’t handle. Too many alternate universes. It’s just too complicated.

However one thing I like is that conversely I can overanalyse the writing and characters’ psychology/relationships (which I LOVE) and ppl take me very seriously. (At least they used to.) it’s kinda validating to have your 3k word essay on an old man’s bedroom and what that signifies for his depression get over 1k notes.

Rm also attracts the fun, super talented animation crowd so there’s boundless fanart and memes. I never knew I would like a gravity falls crossover retirement home AU btwn Rick and Stan so much but the art is objectively gorgeous?? So ??

I really dislike the lack of attention the female characters get from fandom bc they’re all really great? Female rep is limited but both canon and fic really do their 2-3 tokens justice. Also the jerry hatred is getting old (that male aggression… Like… Calm down, Jake) but it’s a refreshing departure drom when Megg from family guy was the butt of the joke.

Harry Potter, one of the pillars of nerd society, has both changed my life and irreconcilably annoyed me to death. (W no thanks to the racist creator herself!) One can’t underestimate how huge the hp fandom is which offers you as many reasons to love it as reasons not to. Harry Potter’s canon has complex world building that’s also charming enough not to take itself too seriously and much the same could b said of fanon. To a degree. Certain corners of the fanbase are fantastic shitposters and meme-ers and can draw you back in like a black hole. Casually enjoying Harry potter imo is where it’s at. The fanfic is probably one of the most impressively vast. Strangers at Drakesaugh, believe it or not, still updates and not only that, I still read it.

Not casually enjoying Harry potter is, um, yikes? HP and Hunger Games love to insert themselves appropriately in real life political traumas and honestly the dedication of the fandom can be overwhelming.

The HP fanart corner of deviantart circa 2010-12 and @flocc HP comics however are the best.

Meet the Robinsons, Ye Olde Fandom, still stands to this day. (Thanks in part to me ngl) As Iroh might say, they are a proud people. MTR is so bizarre and tiny it’s the only fandom I was able to read EVERY fic summary in existence (ones published on obscure sites excepted). The fandom has never ceased to surprise me for better or worse and mostly due to its age range. The original movie was intended for 8-12 yr olds and their (jaded) parents which means that now, ten years later, the fans are anywhere between 12 and 25. It has approximately 20 pieces of professional-grade fanart and fic and I am downright serious abt the quality and thoughtful complexity of this minority of fanart. Like I shit you not some of it’s almost too dark. However, tragically, one can’t talk abt obscure Disney fandoms wo also mentioning the incest ships (this is what happens when middleschoolers have to resort to cartoons to explore their sexuality in an anti sex ed world), the disorganised crossovers, and the blinding lack of imagination. Nonetheless, that a fandom of any kind could sprout from a 90 min cgi movie before the recession, based off an obscure but objectively fascinating children’s book, is still impressive. The fandoms smallness can in many wars work to everybody’s benefit: it’s a tightly knit community w little to no drama. And lots of memes (that I mostly make) to enjoy sincerely or ironically.

I’m also going to mention, very briefly, the Twin Peaks fandom, most of whom, even the die hards, are v casual when it comes to fan content (I need more fic damnit). Nonetheless it’s a decidedly cool art kid crowd for an art house show and I really enjoy befriending twin peaks watchers.

5. What’s one hot food that you prefer cold? (or, alternatively, one cold food you like hot)

Is it snobby to say I like food to be the temperature God intended?

Like I like cold pizza and salad-y pasta but I wouldn’t mind if everything were room temperature as long as the food itself was well made.

6. ya like jazz? What music do you enjoy listening to? Can you recommend any songs/ artists from that genre?

I think in some contexts I can like jazz. It’s very cosy and nostalgic, it can make you feel like a grand dame stepping out of your limo into your martini filled mansion as records pop around you and your fur carpeted living room. I also occasionally like jazz covers and alternate genres of jazz like electro swing etc.

Generally though I also think jazz is a little antiquated and a little all over the place. I lean more towards the ambiguous minimalism of mellow techno music like Jonna Lee, Grimes, Björk, early Lorde, Yasmine Hamdan, Austra, TRST, etc

I mean I don’t stick to just one genre (I imagine most ppl don’t). I like alternative (Tori Amos, Regina Spektor, Joanna Newsom) and some musicians who seem to completely exist outside of genre like iMonster and the Gorillaz. Not to mention straight up pop like broods, Ellie goulding, lady gaga and Lana del rey. (I mean technically Ldr isn’t pop but u get the ideer)

7. What binge worthy show do you like?

So many man. There are so many out there! Twin peaks, Transparent, Love, Grace and Frankie, Adventure Time, House of Cards, Bojack Horseman, Rick and Morty, Mad Men, Girls, Broad City, Black Mirror, Avatar TLA, 6Teen, Chowder, Over the Garden Wall, Flapjack, the first season of Downton Abbey, Game of Thrones, etc

The list goes on. I’m a TV fiend.

8. What’s an old meme that you miss and wish would be brought back?

Always liked the Gothic [x town or whatever] meme. It was like a text post version of the cursed images meme. Currently I’m really enjoying the song from another room meme and I hope even after it gets old it’ll make a comeback.

9. Tell me your aesthetic



O man. That’s a can of worms! Okay. Deep breath.

I like futurism, of all kinds. I like strong lines and clear shapes. I like colour blocking and minimalism and glass and holographic LED neons. I like white Japanese urban tiled buildings. I like aliens and ruins and cubes and white and colour blocking and black. I like technology and aliens and Comme des Garçons and Issey Miyake. Rooms that are empty but for one light and one window and one plant. Love that.

I like the midcentury cubism and Mod and 30’s futurism. Clear and strong industrial shapes and curves and post modernist abstractionism.

I also love nature, I love most every Björk and Iamamiwhoami music video. I love the mountains and the forests and the desert and the winter tundra and most of all I love the water. A vast expanse of sky and sea w so many colours and textures. I love the 2000s and funny blob shapes and y2k’s obsession w secondary colours and shiny round things. Love pink. I am a grown adult who will never tire of pink. (Though I don’t really like when people overdo pink.) I love cursed image family photos taken with flash in a suburb. I love the grime and the sanitary aesthetic of suburbs and hospitals and brutalist office spaces. The fluorescent lights of the institution but with purple carpeting!

I love 70s mod and I love colorful 80s brutalism I like it when houses are shaped weirdly and they have carpets and polished curved wooden countertops and spacious nothingness where everything looks clean and cosy and bizarrely ugly and it all looks like an art gallery w too many plants.

I also really love maximalism and wood and detail and fur and velvet and embroidery and silk and windows and wood carvings.

I love 70s kitsch like John waters movies and Shrimps designer fake fur CDG17 where they just piled on knickknack after knickknack onto white dresses w food long trains. Toys and novelty items and lamps shaped like a woman’s leg in a fishnet stocking. (See also: most Tim burton movies, wes Anderson, Carrie fishers house)

An overwhelming mishmash of wool patterns with clean cubic 70s architecture and so many plants and windows and wallpaper and candles and cobwebs. Also really like witchy mourning jewelry and essentially every house in Harry potter. Love the unfortunately racist boho/hippie aesthetic. Any house designed by bill kirsch is a masterpiece. Woven baskets on the ceiling piles of hats and art supplies everywhere. Stuff!! Everywhere! Hidden passageways reading nooks fireplaces the Pink Palace from Coraline!

Everything!!!

I’m a cartoonist who’s a nerd for design so I like when concepts are taken to the extreme in a humourously charming and clear-minded way. Whatever aesthetic someone chooses, they should go all out and really dedicate themselves to the highest form of that aesthetic. It has to be perfect without being sanitary of fake. It has to be alive yet beautiful, frozen in one perfect moment.

10. Favourite time of day and why?

Dusk. I think it’s a nostalgia thing. I loved the hours before bed time as well the hours before dinner when it was getting dark and the sun was reflecting freaky colours along the horizon while I ran around the grass. It’s cozy but it’s spacious and adventurous. So many things can happen at dusk!



11. You have the choice to live in any fictional universe - which one do you pick and why?

Harry Potter!!! You get the best of both worlds: magical, over-romanticised Victorian/medievalism, wish-fulfillment surrealism and wifi. It’s great. Likelihood of dying is so low, medicine is so advanced and even then ppls n°1 choice of lethal weapon (Avada Kedavra) is painless. Me and Luna could hang in her garden. I’d never have to pay for the subway again. I could live a nomadic life in a tent w infinite space. If you chose to live as a wizard amongst Muggles you’re basically god and you can cheat capitalism. Gravity is my bitch! And I’m not gna lie my dream house has always been a combination of The Burrow, the Lovegood house, and Shell Cottage.

My turn to pick your brain:

1 Favourite texture?

2 Favourite smell?

3 Favourite children’s book/children’s TV show? (I’m talking about the bizarre abstract ones for toddlers)

4 Best and worst prank you’ve ever pulled?

5 Weirdest beginning of a friendship?

6 When you’ve been in fandom for a while you start to notice you’ve a habit of staying in the same corners. What corner are you in? Are you part of the fluffy ship corner? The intense world building spec meta corner? The shitpost comic fanart corner? Etc

7 If you could invent a class that would be obligatory for all high schools across your country what would it be?

8 What’s the weirdest thing you’ve gotten at Halloween while trick or treating?

9 Weirdest family tradition of yours?

10 Describe your significant other (or your crush, or your dream partner or if you’re aromantic your fave person) through only TV references.

11 Favourite piece of dialogue in a movie?

I don’t know 11 ppl but nonetheless tagging: @that-guy-in-the-bowler-hat @skairheart @nochangenohope @eventheslightestrayofsunshine@autistic-jaredkleinman@phoenixkluke

…and YOU (if you were not mentioned above and so choose to accept this mission)

[dem-khuya]

04022019：1114

# p/dophilia mention

writing this while in my literature class. today is remarkably cold...additionally i have a giant ass amount of hw to do and lots of stuff to study for, it’s going to be a very very busy day. i’m thinking about going out to exercise but sadly it just looks totally impossible. i might skip english tomorrow to do it though. it sounds like the weather is quite nice.

i remember talking to lhiftya about walls that people are unable to cross...one great example of this is being a person of color and having white friends. you’ll almost certainly run into ‘walls’ with them. because they don’t really understand, most of the time, the difficulty in dealing with discrimination or if they’re white and american the beauty and the curse of being part of a non-western culture, the ties one has to family. things like that.

but with any friend i’m sure there are always (seemingly) uncrossable distances and walls. i can't talk politics and history with linh bc she's just not woke. it's hard for jasmine and i to connect in certain ways because our upbringings are so different. things like that. and perhaps lhfitya and i had run into our first one when we were talking.

so for a while in her friend group there’s this asshole, i’ll refer to him as izzy, and well he’s a generally awful person, misogynistic and also a p/dophile. the bigger issue is that lhiftya’s friend C is dating him and has been for a while despite knowing abt the things he’s done. sunday, it really affected lhiftya a lot, thinking about this, which was why she suddenly disappeared. there’s more but i’d just keep it short as that for now.

in any case many of his friends have separated themselves from him, created a group chat, and invited her to it, and from what lhiftya’s told me many of them were wildly oblivious/very dumb/ignorant…they harbored resentment for a mutual friend of hers because he always made rude jabs at izzy lol. and they also clearly continued to think of izzy as a potentially salvageable human being and still turn a blind eye towards his previous acts. we both agreed that they were as such but i guess i lost my patience at some point.

i was trying to persuade her to end the conversation early and asked if it was really worth her time, engaging with people who are just making her angry and hurt, and she said probably not, but she couldn’t just put it aside. i told her that she knew her limits better than i did and she took it as me not wanting to listen. i said that i was willing to, but it was more like i didn't understand why she was doing what she was doing, and added that it was her choice in the end to engage with these people and not mine.

our conversation sizzled out pretty soon after.

i just want to take some time and analyze my feelings, my perception of her feelings, and why it was that we both came to such a conclusion.

i guess the issue with me is the following:

i am unforgiving

i lack a degree of introspection

for me, when people cross a certain line within our relationship, i cut them off without even realizing it. i don’t really know why i do this; it’s easy to say i got it from my mom but i’ve never been taught to do this so i’m not sure, i think it’s some kind of defense mechanism, just something built into me. and anything that happens to them, i lack the energy to care. i could try, very hard, but i can’t care. i just...can’t. it’s incredibly linear, and also cruel. i’m only starting to recognize it now but it’s very hard to change.

i can barely remember who exactly i’ve done this with—arnav is one, because he treated linh like shit and treated me like an ass, but i can say definitively that he’s not a horrible human being, just an annoying and self-righteous one. another is kyle, because i kept thinking he was hitting on me and showing off. i remember doing this to various insignificant people throughout school, too. a childhood friend who said he saw me as a housewife, couple other childhood friends. it is usually after a series of missteps and then a final one that really cuts it down for me.

so for me it really didn't make sense. she told me that the issue with C continuing to date izzy even though he is an awful person sent lhiftya spiraling on sunday, and when i told her that her absence made me unhappy she went to the therapist monday after work to get her feelings sorted out, and i'm happy that she thought of me and did that. but i guess i'm still confused as to why she still engages in conversations and talking with these people who, continued being friends with izzy when they excused his inappropriate behavior with a minor (a fucking minor!) and to this point in time continue to make excuses for him, and mostly seem to just test her patience. in my eyes, i perceived her as making a decision to hurt herself deliberately. which of course made me unhappy to think about too.

on monday she told me that i have to talk sense to her if C ever reaches out and asks for her help and discourage it. but if she doesn't want to listen to me regarding even this conversation/finds that i'm being more irritating and controlling instead of helpful then i have two options:

let her choose to do whatever it is she wants to do and take care what happens after, or

change the way that i'm trying to discourage her.

maybe i'm being too forward and accusatory by asking if this was worth her time; maybe instead i'll ask how she's feeling and suggest leaving if she's not feeling well. and if she feels bad but keeps doing the not very wise choice then we just move to #1. i guess i was somewhat irritated by seeing the conversation she was having and the total ignorance of her peers and confused by why she was still talking to them and asking about C, and i was a little too forward in asking if it was worth her time. so next time i need to be gentler, kinder.

i also think i'm asking too harsh a question in my actions. i'm implicitly asking her, i guess, "why are you making such an unwise decision? why are you allowing yourself to be hurt in doing so?" and that isn't right of me either.

of course we make mistakes, deliberate ones, that we really shouldn’t have. of course we do. we have thoughts that we shouldn't and it's much too easy to say, "don't think those things. don't make those mistakes." i mean this sunday i did an all nighter when i really didn’t need to. i still love my father even though he's inflicted so much trauma in my life. i'm not perfect. judgement is clouded and our choices can never always be right. i can understand my wanting her to make the right choice--to remove herself from the conversation and go to bed early instead of continuing to engage with these people, allowing herself to be open to C even when the thinking of C is both painful and stressful--but i also need to accept that sometimes the people we love make the wrong choice and we have to shoulder the burden with them. that's all we can do. it's not a competition. at the end if she does get hurt, what, am i just going to say "i told you so"? that's not conducive to anything. that's just mean

i don't think i'm wrong in wanting her to stop engaging in this conversation with people that seem to make her angry more than happy/excited. i think i was wrong in my approach, and my thinking is too rigid. i need to be more understanding too. and additionally i need to understand that the world is not the same for everyone either. and that just because i think something should be done a certain way doesn’t mean that she has to think that either. she is significantly more forgiving and kind than i am. and that is the way that she approaches the world. i’m not going to understand that for a long time but i shouldn’t let that get in the way of the relationship i have with her.

[kowsdontski1]

In honor of Mexico’s Dia de los Muertos (Day of the Dead), which officially begins at midnight, November’s Cousin Connection comes one day early. Coinciding with the the Catholic All Saints Day, and incorporating garish costumes resembling skeletons, Dia de los Muertos is not Mexican Halloween, but a much more elaborate version of Memorial Day in the U.S.

In Mexico, this year’s commemoration began a few days ago with a large parade including a salute to rescue workers who worked tirelessly to save family, friends, and fellow countrymen from the rubble of recent earthquakes. When Pete, a Mexican friend from college, entered a Facebook post celebrating his recent connection to cousins he never knew he had, I decided that this week’s holiday is the perfect time to include it.

Pete’s mother abt. 4 years old

Gonzales grandparents

Pete at 15

Pete tells his own story:

I have become obsessed with making a family tree. It did not just happen out of nowhere. It started when I submitted my son’s DNA to Ancestry.com. I wanted to show him his multi-ethnic background. We were not disappointed. He is from all over the world–every continent except Antarctica and Australia.

Ancestry told us that he is mostly Native American from the area of Zacatecas and Aguacalientes. His ethnicity estimate is also 24% Great Britain with Western Europe, the Iberian Peninsula, Scandinavia, Ireland, Finland, European Jewish, Polynesia, the Middle East, Senegal, and Africa North all vying for a slice of the genetic pie.

But this smorgasbord of the world is not what compelled me to create a family tree. It was a feature of Ancestry that I did not expect. Our DNA was matched with other people who submitted their DNA with Ancestry.

There was a small group of people who were listed as close relatives. Some of these were easy to figure out. They were: a sister of my wife, a first cousin of my wife and his daughter, and a first cousin of my son. Then, there was a man and a woman who had a majority of Native American ethnicity in their report. They had to be related to my side.

But how?

My father was the only member of his family who came to this country. That was in 1948. How could he have close relatives in this country? My mother was raised as an only child. I was the only Mexican in the world who did not have a cousin, an uncle, or an aunt. We held our family reunions inside a closet. But, on the bright side, there were more tamales for us during the holidays. We did not have to share them with relatives.

But who are these people that Ancestry claims are closely related to my family?

Did my father stray, and now the evidence is coming back Maury Povich style to say that “The DNA evidence is in, you are the father?” Did my mother’s parents have a secret child? Did I have a close relative from Mexico who came unannounced to Chicago in the 1930s?

I did some research and found that these two people listed on Ancestry are from Chicago. One was 73 years old. The other was in her 20s.

The older man eliminated my father. My father was not here 73 years ago. He was still in Mexico.

Was my mother’s lingering doubt that her parents are not her biological parents more than a doubt? Could she be related to this 73 year-old man?

I found records for the younger woman. She had been arrested a couple of times in her early 20s. We have to be related and share the arrested development gene. My line has proven that this gene exists. It lingered in me into my twenties.

She lives in a northern suburb of Chicago. The older man lived in an adjacent suburb. They lived near each other.

I went to Facebook. I found a connection between the two people. I began to develop a hypothesis. These were the biological relatives of my mother, who was adopted in 1934. Now, I need to apply science to prove my hypothesis. I need evidence.

I sent messages via Ancestry to both people. I did not receive a response. I tried again. I received the same result-no reply.

I began to create my tree. I spent about 200 hours in September researching for my tree. September is our month off for home school. I needed to make progress and uncover these connections in one month before I started in October with Geometry, U.S. Government, Spanish, and Language Arts for my 13-year-old son. He takes three other classes in the regular school system.

I was obsessed. I searched every clue. I looked under every rock. Researching my family is not an easy thing. My name is not Gonzalez. Anyone researching my family will come to an instant dead end.

Our real family name may go back only a few generations. It may not be our real family name. Family legend has it that someone in the family line helped a gang rob a Zacatecas silver mine payroll. He then disappeared into another Mexican state with a new name and a richer, new life. I found nothing to prove or disprove that legend.

I did hit a dead end with the family lineage in the mid 19th century.

If my mother was adopted then there is another instant dead end. Could these two people be the key to answering the question about my mother’s biological parents?

Maybe my mother was not adopted although I have always believed in that theory. My grandparents resemble no one in my family. None of them look like any of the ensuing offspring. I look like my dad. My son, Pete, looks like me.

Did I really want to go down this road?

In my mind, my grandparents will always be my grandparents no matter what I find out. My grandmother, in her late-60s, would take her rug muffin [sic] grandchildren to the movies and to the 12th Street beach. She had a folding chair, and she would sit and wait with us at the Roosevelt Street bus stop. She did a lot for us.

I loved swimming in the 12th Street Beach. I never would have had that experience if not for my grandmother. She cared about us.

I loved the movies except for a horror movie that was in Spanish. I was afraid for about a week after watching it. I was about six years old.

She fed us when we visited her apartment down the street on Peoria. She fed me my first jalapeno when I was about five. She and her husband laughed about it. It was a rite of passage, and one of my dearest memories of them. She was performing an important ritual. I cannot live without jalapenos and spicy foods.

I searched census forms from the 1930s, line by line, of every residence in the Taylor Street area. I looked at immigration records, marriage records, death records, and I sent out a few smoke signals and gave offerings of fried bread and jalapenos to the family tree gods.

I made flowcharts comparing the DNA evidence and the relationship between these two people and me. I developed a hypothesis that the older man had to be either the first cousin of my mother or her brother.

I hit dead ends in my search for more information. I felt hesitant to call to contact the man. What does one say?

“I think that your mother or your aunt gave up your older sister/cousin for adoption. I have no evidence, it is just a hunch.”

I do not think so.

There was one other person who was listed as a close relative. She had a family tree with about 3,000 people listed on it, but it was private. I contacted her and asked for permission to look at her extensive family tree. I explained that we probably shared a common ancestor from one hundred years ago. I was hoping that her family tree would provide some vital clues to help me determine how we are related. She granted me permission, but she added that she doubted if we were related. She said that she had no Gonzalez in her tree.

Neither did I.

Looking at her tree was an eye opener. I immediately found a link between her and the two people who are closely related to me. I asked her about the two. One was the granddaughter of her aunt. The other, the 73 year-old man, was her first cousin.

Let’s call her aunt Aunt Zuzu.

If he was my mother’s first cousin, then this woman with the family tree was also my mother’s first cousin. I was on the right track.

She said that all her family lived in the Taylor Street area. She was not sure if we were related.

Her grandparents had one daughter who possibly could have been the mother of my mother. All the DNA evidence would fit if she was. There were two daughters who possibly could be the biological mother of my mother. One was pregnant with another child when my mother was born. It could not be her. The other would have been 14 when she was pregnant with my mother. I think it was this teen who gave birth to my mother.

I asked my mother if she knew this Aunt Zuzu. My mother’s voice picked up with excitement when she heard Zuzu’s name. She said that Zuzu was her cousin.

Cousin? But she had no relatives in Chicago. How could she be related? She said that my grandmother wanted her to address Zuzu as her cousin Zuzu and to call Zuzu’s mother dia Maria.

I asked her the name of Zuzu’s mother. She answered. It was the exact name of the mother of the person who I hypothesized was the biological mother of my mother. Dia Maria most likely was my mother’s grandmother.

It was a tangled web.

Zuzu’s mother was a close friend of my grandmother. Who else would you trust with your grandchild but your good, trusted friend?

It made sense. Was Aunt Zuzu my mother’s biological aunt? Was her sister the teen who gave up her daughter, my mother, for adoption? It was during the Great Depression. She came from a large family. She was only 14 when she became pregnant.

Was I solving this puzzle that I thought was unsolvable? I had thought that anyone who would know the truth about my mother was long deceased. But here I am, on the cusp of putting in the last few pieces of this puzzle.

Her mother was right there all the time. It was the older sister of her friend, Zuzu.

The owner of the huge family tree confirmed that her aunt had given up her child for adoption. She had heard that family story.

My mother is 83.

Her parents will always be her parents.

She finally found out the truth and received the answer to her doubt. It all fell into place like it was preordained. We were meant to know the truth while she was still alive.

In her last response. the woman with the huge family tree addressed the message to cousin Pete. I smiled when I read it.

I finally have a cousin. I am no longer the only Mexican in the world sin primos.

Cousin Connection #5: Family Lost and Found In honor of Mexico's Dia de los Muertos (Day of the Dead), which officially begins at midnight, November's…