#ALSO NO THEY DONT TAKE HER TO THE HOSPITAL
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So, we visited Erin (the red haired girl who tried to run off with me in the park) today. Mistress Aurelia was bristling with thorns when she had to see her, she didn’t want to take me but I didn’t let her go without me.
Apparently she hadn’t been taking her medicine, which made her even more paranoid according to the vet. They had her on a stricter regimen for them now, which made her seem better. She also hadn’t been taking her class G’s… she said “I don’t deserve them”. I think I might have overreacted telling her that she doesn’t have to justify herself to have them. I had almost climbed on top of her bed as I said that.
Mistress gave her some Class D’s to ask questions. She said she was scared, she said she wanted to escape. Not just the helianthus. She wanted to escape her thoughts, her feelings, herself. She said when she saw me in the park that I seemed pretty, so she latched onto me and impulsively had to take me with her to escape.
I really wasn’t expecting it, but she started talking about how much she didnt want to be in the hospital. I dont know why, but Mistress Aurelia said she would be in charge of Erin’s wardship. I kind of begged her to bring her home with us tonight, so she’s coming home with me :3 im excited, and Aurelia did seem to calm down after the answers she got from the Class D’s.
I can’t wait to show her the Hab. Maybe it will be easier to not run away if she’s got some people with her to help it feel less lonely? I wonder if Aurelia is going to make us sleep in different rooms for a while to keep an eye on her.
Continued from
#human domestication guide#floretposting#hdg#affini#affini compact#affiniposting#floret#flort#hdg shitposting#seedposting#aboard the helianthus
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TW: talks of sexual assault
Rereading TWR and holy fuck Blake and Jake want to ruin Izzy’s Vag with a dagger so damn bad it’s crazy. Like Jesus what did this woman do you‼️‼️
Also my brain was trying to save me bc it kept me thinking that he (Jake) was planning to rape her but it was worse-ER he was planning to destroy her insides with a dagger. ALSO The girl has bladder issues because of this😭
The amount of shit this girl goes through and ppl only halfway care.. losing my mind
#she’s has bladder problems bc of Blake btw he did it to her twice#Jake was going to buy then Izzy stopped him with a kiss#THEN IN LA BLAKE DOES IT A 3RD TIME.#like Jesus shit FUCKING WHY#ALSO NO THEY DONT TAKE HER TO THE HOSPITAL#then she casually mentions to the hairstylist ‘#‘I've been assaulted by him so many times I lost count. I've been having bladder problems because of him’#GIRLLLL😭💔#izzy
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Do I have the balls to go to a DSA general meeting vote now on your phones
#out of queue#ani rambles#me and my friend met for dinner today#talked about post election anxieties and dealing with republican dads and jazz#and id mentioned to her via text like oh hey a way to keep hope and take action would be to join a mutual aid org#so we looked to see if we could find any in our area#there wasn’t much for her specific area but more for mine (i live in a city she lives in a nearby offshoot town kinda deal)#and theres a DSA general meeting next Wednesday#and technically I could just fucking go I don’t have work that day#but my friend won’t be able to come with me and I’m awkward about doing stuff alone#ani in a social situation is like a horse loose in a hospital#no one knows what the horse is gonna do/supposed to do. least of all THE HORSE#but also…… i could talk the talk and walk the walk i could join a mutual aid org#like im gonna try and go to the FNPS chapter meeting next month but idk if that counts as mutual aid#also turns out there is a FNB in my city but uhhhh im awkward im nervous i cant cook and I dont make THAT much money
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I know everyone can have their own opinion and it was in part the intent to upset people with how the 118+Maddie reacts (especially Maddie), but I somehow didn't see that coming lol
#rrposts#like i also take issue with Maddie as an older sister sometimes#and what she did in the last chapter was Wrong#im not saying it wasnt#but it doesnt come out of nowhere#like she isnt saying all this about Buck or Eddie because she is a mean person who sucks and hates them for no reason#she wanted to amputate bc she is scared and has that history of Daniel being stuck in a hospital and dying leaving her in a broken home#and she is this upset with Eddie about it bc she literally had to kill doug like a few weeks ago#that was pretty recent people#like i cant believe im making a post defending Maddie#bc I actually dont always like her very much#i think she is an interesting character. but the way the show positions her sometimes makes me jikes especially in her relation with Buck#she is overbearing and thinks she knows best and that can be annoying#but she is like his mom bc she was forced into that as a kid#and sometimes she forgets that Buck has grown up#like my grandma still sometimes forgets im 22 not 8 and she has been there the whole time
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#man ive never seen an eating disorder kill someone else besides a parent infecting a child but my nana is really trying#shes like 1000% orthotexic. will not eat anything not filled with vegetables or fat. and my grandpa is 87yo with a heart condition currentl#in the hospital for covid bc thry went to Christmas church and dont believe in being vaccinated and my dad is so frustrated#bc he knows his mom is not gonna give his dad hearty foods. he needs to eat like protein shakes and meat and ice cream. anything thats not#her cooking which sucks on top of being extremely healthy. except its not healthy bc they dont eat a balanced diet#so its my nanas eating disorder killing her husband and shes so fucking frustrating. im like 99% sure she has obsessive compulsive#personally disorder bc she fits to a T and has zero insight. she may have full on 0cd bc talking to my dad he has more obvious 0cd#compulsions than i do. he used to say phrases before going to bed and would take 2 steps across the floor to prevent bad things from#happening. so like im pretty sure my nana is where i get my perfectionism and 0cd. god. i wish i could express how fucked up she is#like my dad said at least he had a stable home to grow up in but like she has zero sympathy for other people. cannot look past herself. wil#not wear a mask bc she doesnt care enough abt other ppl. my dad was like: u would not have survived in that house. which is fair bc i am#barely keeping it together coming from a stable home with two sympathetic parents who i know love me#and like its sad that they're suffering the effects of buying into the fox news bullshit and its killing them#but also. genuinely. i think theyre not very good ppl. theyre the type of people who think they're better bc they're religious. white. and#thin. and theyre not better thsn anyone. their grandchildren cant stand them. well cant stand her at least. papa is just quite so its hard#to say what hes thinking. apparently he was confused last night and saying something about eating dinner on the golf course. which sounds#nicer thsn being in the hospital lol. ugh. he seems not long for this world tbh. may he pass peacefully to b with his 1st wife who died of#brain cancer at age like 20 or something. so it goes. bleh. how many funerals are intended for me in the next 5 years? hopefully none but#that seems improbable with the unspoken drain circling that seems to b going on in this family. old age and like almost 10 years of cancer#defying the stats but for how much longer?#i dunno. its just so weird to watch these things happen and not talk about it directly to the other ppl who see it#i worry that ill come off as too callose or inappropriate bc i have that tendency when something bad is happening but thats everyone else#excuse? idk i just feel like its better to talk abt things#unrelated#ed mention#i tell u this so i can say these things to someone and also bc if i were u. i would like to hear the drama#bc im nosey and i assume other r too ;-]
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The hr guy is printing covid denial stuff on the printer and it's annoying if only because all of the rest of the office are engineers who I actually know, due to discussions, are very on board with covid is real and we should get vaccinated.
#totes bro#i told him awhile back that i was literally a filter engineer before and masks do work#because they cant......not work.....#and he said 'people dont wear them right' to which i said that doesnt change the effectiveness of the mask itself#so i uhm#will wear a mask if i ever need to have a face to face conversation#the discussions literally were 'we need to go home or wear masks and avoid nicole because her wife has heart issues'#which i didn't even tell them we needed that. they just were like empathetic and care which ♥️#my wife was in the hospital like 3 weeks after i started#oh they also told me we should take the opportunity to go shopping on our public holidays because no one else has mlk off#which ♥️ for thinking of my wife. you never met her#those are the p.e.s that decided it so.....their word goes
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Just remembered I have a psychiatrist appointment so early tomorrow. And I obviously dyed my hair so recently because there's green staining on my face. I don't think it's going to look great for the bipolar diagnosis, to disclose that I was feeling impulsive and wanted to get control over something, so I dyed my hair at midnight.
#i dont really like this psychiatrist but ive only seen her once so i figured i should give her one more shot#last time i saw her she adked how i liked my anxiety meds#i said i love them. theyre helpful and have no side effects since my body got used to them#and i said i explicitly didnt like ky old ones cuz of how they made me feel#she prescribed the old ones and said i should just tey taking a smaller dose. even though im on meds i like#but the bigger problem is#we went over all my previous medications. ive been on several. a lot of antidepressants especially which is really bad for bipolar#the worst antidepressant cause pericarditis (swelling around my heart) that made me go to the emergency room#we went over that. i told her everything i just told you#my bipolar leans heavily into the depression so she decided to tey another antidepressant along with my mood stabilizer#can you guess which antidepressant she prescribed? can you??#and i didnt realize it at the time because she called it the generic name so i couldnt explain she shiuldnt prescribe me that#and i meant to callher about it but it completely slipped my mind and i thought i had more time#and then suddenly my appointment is tomorrow#or the other thing she recommended was lithium. which feels like wuite an escalation#eapecially since she said it can cause irreversible damage to (maybe remembering this wrong) my kidneys#like i feel like there must be a better option. none of which are anxiety meds i dont like. an antidepressant that sent me to the hospital#or something that could cause irreversible damage. like i feel like theres a better way#i also need to talk to her about setting up an adhd assessment#i had an assessment a few years ago in which i was told im 'too smart to have adhd'#calling adhd people not smart is bullshit. you cant be too smart to have adhd. and i feel like i was just dismissed because im female#he said he wished he could score as hugh as i did on the knowledge tests#man me too. maybe then you wiuldnt be such an idiot. how did you get a license to practice. how did you pass any higher education#are you just a random guy that walked in off the street? i refuse to call him a doctor#i call him a quack or by his full name because i don't think he deserves the respect of that title#what was i talking about. oh yeah trying another assessment with an actual doctor this time#wish me luck with my appointment tomorrow bcuz she might try to kill me again#or dismiss my concerns of adhd like she dismissed my dislike for my old anxiety meds#im in hell. being mentally ill is hell a little bit#actually its not. im fine with my mental illness. im not fine with how doctors treat me because of it
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Actually we r at 6 months now without any major deaths in my life, which is great! That's the longest I've gone without any major deaths since last May! The second longest was 4 months between July and November last year. Wow !
#speculation nation#negative/#i mean not exactly but also. ya kno.#really i dealt with death after death in may july november and the biggest in february#actually i think my great grandma died within the span between july and november. but i wasnt close with her & dont remember when#so idk if id count that. if i did then the longest would be 3 months. between november and february.#all this is to say. wow what a Fucking year last year was huh#i still dont rly feel like i have much trust in people staying alive in my life.#but maybe im a bit less scared of even more people in my life suddenly dropping dead.#... then again now i apparently have something wrong with my liver. which i am still not happy about.#the only reason why im not dying of anxiety is bc i still feel relatively normal overall.#but i also just remembered how. well. 28 has Long been my unlucky number. and im turning 28 next year.#so ive been half convinced im just gonna die when im 28. bc thatd be just my luck wouldnt it#and like overall theres no real reason why i Would die at that age. but now theres something wrong with my liver.#and like ok i dont think it's liver failure. i dont have any real symptoms for it#and if it was an emergency my doctor wouldve told me to go to the hospital. probably.#but idk. my truest anxiety about it is that it could be something cancerous. or something.#and really i have no reason to suspect that specifically. it's just one of the potential causes for the enzyme abnormality we found#but bc it's not entirely off the table. well now my mind has latched onto it. and is like 'What If'#and ok i just now looked into possible liver diseases to try to calm my anxiety. with mixed success.#bc i found all sorts of liver diseases. including cirrhosis. which is irreversible damage.#im just clinging to the hope of the fact that my readings werent Too high... just.#every single one associated with the liver was high. which means theres Definitely something wrong with my liver.#and im kind of scared it's bc of my prior alcohol use. i wasnt an alcoholic but i did drink pretty regularly for a bit.#but also how unfair would it be for me to get a liver disease from that??? the most i ever drank at one time was 8 shots#which is a lot but there are some people doing that kind of thing Regularly. and they dont get liver disease???#regardless this has been extra persuasion to stay off the alcohol. especially until i know what's up with it.#heyyyy mr liver inside me i prommy i will take good care of u from now on. pls dont die on me 😭😭😭#see ok this is what happens whem i start to think. i get anxious. i just need to keep not thinking.#it's 10 pm i think thats a good time for sleepies
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uggh I'm gonna cry
#i lowkey miss when i had no friends 😭#i got invited to my friends birthday party and i really really didnt want to go#cause theres like 10 other people going and i vaguely know 2 of them#and theyre all kinda mean#like in the way your friends are mean where its clearly a joke#but im not friends with any of them-#qnd like in any other circumstance it would be fine#but its a POOL party#and there was no chace i was putting on a bathing suit and swimming#but i also was not ready to deal with being the weirdo who doesnt swim at a pool party#like i was really dreading this party#so i made some lame excuse#which is technically true#my brother DID break q bone today and my parents ARE being dramatic and i AM gonna have to wait on him#but thats not q good reason not to go#i was just really freaking out about this party#and its prob not a big deal and she definitely doesn't care as much as i think#but i feel so bad for being flaky#plus i already feel like a couple people there dont like me#so if my friend mentions why i didnt go theyre gonna think its a dumb excuse#i should have made something up but i had already said yes cause i couldnt think of anything#and then my parents wrre at the hospital for a really long time so i didnt know what exactly was happening#and i did genuinely think when i texted her that it was more serious and there would be no chance they could take me#qlso they both have stuff to do tomorrow (party day)#and i am actually gonna end up being the one helping him get water and stuff#but it just feels like such a lame excuse#idk#its just when im with these people (the ones going that im not friends with)#i constantly feel like i hace something to prove or theyll think im weird#and its so stressful
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every time i listen to ugly death no redemption i go fucking insane about ice the last generation again
#sucks bc it’s one of my favorite albums lmao#for those who don’t know. ice is a really shitty post apocalyptic yuri ova#it’s made by the creator of the zeta gundam not like tomino but the mech designer#it’s also really anti men like there’s no men they all died and it’s between the two factions of like militant science and fuck it we ball#and the fuck it we ball people just have gay sex and do drugs#the militant one also has gay sex but only the leader and she has like slaves for it????#also the leader of the fuck it we ball one is part jellyfish bc her mom did genetic experiments on her to figure out how to make children#without cock#that’s one of my favorite parts of it the one scene where that’s discussed is really cool#there’s a weird age gap between the two love interests though i think they’re both adults????#but one of them was like at least in her twenties when the other one was being born??????#it makes me really uncomfortable which is why i haven’t gotten super into it otherwise i think i would go insane#also there’s some weird time travel esque stuff at the end and i think it might be implied that the love interest gave birth to her partner#through virgin birth like jesus style#before any of the plot even happened#or maybe the love interest is just there when she’s giving birth???? she dies in the main timeline and then her object that she gave her#partner is in the hospital room (in the past)#but also the person giving birth is technically different than the love interest bc all we know is that she has been hallucinating this lady#bc she hasn’t slept in literal years#and that’s the lady giving birth in the past and she might be the love interest and she might be giving birth to her partner#fucking insane shit there are parts that really interest me and i want to take for my own projects and stuff#do not recommend it at all but also i kinda do but like dont go into it seriously go into it to see a weird as fuck shit show#anyways ugly death no redemption uses a lot of samples from it!!!!!!#oh yeah humans have also evolved to only be able to eat processed foods and if animals eat it they turn into flowers that’s a cool scene too
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MY VISHION
#sorry thinking about my weird au/spinoff/prequel thing i dont konw what to call it. Okay so say that collei was being taken care of by#tighnari and his family shortly after she escapes the facility but is overwhelmed by their kindness + hospitality#her self loathing gets the best of her & eventually leads to a loosening of her grip on the archon residue#which Then results in tighnari getting Hurt#so she takes this as definitive proof that she cannot love nor be loved because all she does is hurt others#i.e. i destroy everything i touch#and she runs away resolving to leave her life in sumeru behind for good#fast forward she's a wanderer and eventually the events in mondstadt go down like how they do in the webtoon#tighnari is deeply affected by the very brief presence she had in his life#always feeling like he's still an older brother missing his little sister despite not having any other siblings#this is what eventually inspires him to become a forest watcher after graduation (combining his love of the forest ecosystem + desire#to help others who are lost/protect people from getting injured)#maybe hes also secretly hoping that... that little girl is still somewhere out there... that shes safe...#OKAY. OKAY AND THEN CYNO BRINGS HER BACK HOME#OKAY!!!!!!!! DO YOU SEE MY VISION!!!!!!#ramblings#colleiction
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does anyone know when life is supposed to calm down. does anyone know when it all ends
#im so exhausted.#ive got a fucking annoying headache and i had a nightmare earlier and im just having a bad day#and now im literally dealing with bpd^2 rn like.#my ex is having a really hard time because her moms health is declining and shes being put in a really hard position#and shes horribly stressed out but she feels guilty about feeling like her life is falling apart bc her mom obviously has it worse#and i know what thats like and i know its just going to be hell for her now and i cant fix that#and i just like. god if i could take all of her pain i would#she doesnt deserve the horrible fucking set of cards she was dealt#my nightmare was actually originally that i went to the hospital with her to see her mother#it did not end remotely related to that but it just. yeah not great#also struggling bc i dont know how to handle people i like (separately than her) being in relationships or liking other people#it is so. so fucking. i dont even know its like physically painful and when i see them talk about it it like ruins my whole day and#its so hard to handle these mood swings and like. Have A Life#its why i got off tumblr like i just cant. i cant have all these feelings and still be okay most of the time#it feels like im trying to stay afloat but every day the ball and chain on my ankle gets exponentially heavier#idk. i just like. cant regulate my emotions. whatsoever. clearly#jace.txt
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Murder show hospitals when they cant commit medical malpractice violate health and safety codes or violate HIPAA laws for 5 seconds:
#thats a lot of medical malpractice going on there doc#law and order svu#spoilers#WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU JUST TOOK HER HEART KIDNEYS AND LIVER WITHOUT HER PARENTS KNOWLEDGE OR PERMISSION#THATS NOT HOW HOSPITALS WORK#also pilot that heart is considered criminal evidence#i dont think you can legally take it????
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#i truely have so much anger built up inside me about my job. ive done a very good job of making it unbearable#and after taking a 10 day vacation. plus 2 days of not working bc im sick. i really dont wanna go back#i was planning to take 3 days to not do fucking anything but my boss just emailed me with some time sensitive#logistical things. so like i guess i gotta fucking do that tomorrow. i started reading the email and it made my head hurt#and she started it off like. hopw ur feeling better and i dont wanna cause stress but...#like bro. listen. if u tell me these things u put them in my head and i csnt stop thinking abt them until theyre done. and its not her#fault bc im the one that put myself in a place where im barely keeping it together. its just frustrating#bc it feels like hope u feel better but also kill urseld 💖 but again thats just how it feels bc im so. idk how to describe it im like in a#state of post burnout. im sitting in the ash. alone in a desolate landscape and its like jesus how tf do i fix this?#and i cant even run out my anger rn bc im sick. and i mean i have the energy to run i dont feel lethargic but like i doubt that would aid#recovery lol. ugh. 2 months. thats all. then i move away. assuming i find a place to live lol. bc i currently haven't yet#but whatever. assuming i get better quickly and dont get worse and dont get covid on top of this cold bc my dad got covid#it will have been a bit of a blessing i came back sick bc i have a clear justification for not working and for telling people to fuck off#when they ask for things from me. like today a lab mate asked if i could sample Monday. which it technically#a holiday but i probably would have said yes if i wasnt sick. and i would have had to teach undergrads some bullshit friday if i wasnt sick#instead i just did nothing all day bc i almost moved bsck my flight and didnt leave home until the weekend anyway#i guess its good i didnt bc then i would have been stuck in ohio bc my dad found out he had covid yesterday#idk its all just frustrating bc im halfway in a transition and im not doing very well but i cant do anything to fix things until i leave#the southwest. like i dont even kno if i have health insurance rn. my benifits change request was processed but like does thst mean it was#approproved? fucking idk. so everytime i do anything i imagine a worstcase scenario where i end up hospitalized and damned to an empty#bank account or eternal medical debt. tho my mum said they passed a law where they arnt allowed to do thst to u anymore ����♂️#whatever. im annoyed. i dont wanna work 😫#unrelated
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Writing my own experiences is honestly such a trip...
#like even though they're my OWN experiences it doesnt feel REAL#like wow how fake#its so weird bc im simply basing it off of what happened to me and how i deal with it#but then i worry that people find it unrealistic#or they'll see even just the fic and tags without reading it and ridicule it for being written#im really thinking abt trying therapy again tbh. but finding time between work and the fact i cannot drive...#idk. i really truly dont....#im falling apart. the days are going by and im having less and less of a will to continue. im trying to find healthy#outlets for coping but then anxiety shoots through the roof#it doesnt help that the first two times i was in therapy it made everything worse#the first was 100% against my will bc of a simple misunderstanding blown way out of proportion at my college#and the 2nd was me p much being forced into it after i tried killing myself and ended up in the hospital lol#i tried overdosing. it hurts the stomach more than anything tbh.#the therapist just kept staring at me. like never taking her eyes off of me and kept asking how i felt#i felt more like a fucking test subject tbh. she also didnt sound Human. her tone was like i was just another patient#nothing more than routine. and she didnt Listen to what i said. then i was charged way too much despite being told it would be free#so i dropped out lol#anyway i got way off topic. um what was this abt#oh yeah my fear of fic venting bc im terrified of being ridiculed . yeah yeah yeah.
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i really will be over here w my slasher ocs like “i love my babygirls so much! rotating them and their respective ships in my mind like cows! forever pondering their orb!” giggling kicking my feet thinking/yapping abt them and whole time i done set melina and morgan up with The Devil From The Bible Parts 1 & 2.
#just pondering their orbs again#i think melina kinda has it like marginally worse because amber does not even gaf abt her she is not even jus mean to this girl#shes putting her thru the emotional equivalent of the saw iii rack trap for the hell of it#KNOWINGLY. and i mean while melina isnt entirely innocent like. she did very much try to off tara like#that was a pretty significant thing that happened 😭#her n ambers freak may match but their evil sure dont bc she still adores that girl down like thats her wife her everything her soulmate-#n melinas delusional ass is just taking what she can get 💔#bc while richie also aint shit as a boyfriend AT ALL at least he does actually genuinely gaf abt morgan#it just. doesnt do much good bc he dont care enough to NOT terrorize this girl anyhow. or cheat on her. or-#he just doesnt have her in a chokehold the way amber does melina bc morgan is like ACTIVELY AVOIDING HIM post his arrival at the hospital#if he’s still hanging around she dont got nothing to do w that. she aint even wanna date him to begin w she just be in situations 😭#ceci speaks#slasherverse posting#ambermeli#morgchie
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