#AAARGH I’m so tired I can’t stand

[aeolianblues]

fuckkkk

[floral-hex]

I can’t sleep. I feel myself getting close and I feel like I can’t breathe, I feel hot and my limbs start tingling. I’m going to die in my sleep. I’m so tired, I feel sick and can’t actually get comfortable. Twitchy and tired and miserable and I wish I could go to the ER and they could actually do something for me, but what could they do? I can’t just walk in and say “I’m losing my shit. Do you have any intravenous drugs that would make me feel normal?” This isn’t insomnia. Or is it? I don’t understand the specifics. I’m DESPERATE to sleep. My body wants it. But I start panicking and filling with anxiety whenever I get close. I’m trying to distract myself right now. With this. Typing. Okay, the hot gossip, I don’t know what to do. I’ve taken different meds. Tylenols and NSAIDS and Codeine and Zofran (bc hell I was nauseas when I STARTED trying to sleep 12 hours ago and this staying up just added to it). I’ve been getting high, too, to help with these sudden severe stabs of anxiety (I’M GONNA DIE I’M GONNA DIE I’M GONNA DIE). a lot. I’m realizing thc makes me feel sick. I mean, I knew, it’s weird with me. Relaxing but also a sort of soft pukey feeling, and it’s really REALLY not helping me not feel sick, but it at least makes these feelings bearable. I’m hungry but I’m so… aaargh… that I can’t rightly “cook” anything. I don’t even want to make an easy sandwich. Shit, Ian, please, just throw some lunch meat between some bread. But no. I DID manage to walk to the corner store earlier for a coke. I thought maybe a bottle of something super sugar and caffeine filled would, I don’t know, somehow be good for me or help me level off. A little bump from the sugar, some caffeine to help smooth over that sick, unnatural sleepy feeling certain meds give me. Anyway, I stand by that. A nice little walk and a soda. But I can’t even get myself to cook something. I don’t have a lot of easy microwave food. Bad planning. Where am I going with this? Just distracting myself. My mind is not being kind to me. Lately and especially today. My room feels like it has rotten vibes. That sounds silly, but I feel physically worse in here. “So get out?” Yeah… maybe… but I just want to be in bed. So I’ve got the curtain half open for sunlight and the tv constantly going with 30 Rock. I hate it. I need, like, incense or candles and fuck it put the sun in here, too. I feel so closed off. It feels like a tomb in here.i’ma gonna die. This happened to me about a week or so ago. Two weeks? I didn’t write it down so now I can’t compare. It was early on a weekend, sitting and panicking, exhausted, thinking about the ER. Just someone help. But there’s not much I can reasonably expect. So suffer it out? Oof sleepy eyes getting blurry. Ian, just sleep, c’mon. I feel sick. Did you know that? Did I write about that yet?

aaaaa aaaaa aaaaa aaaaa!

[neerons]

Some of Takaomi Tsugaru’s best quotes

“Wipe the drool. I’m not THAT handsome, am I?”

“That’s all you have to say about mon visage?”

“True, going on a date with a pretty girl isn’t so bad. But it’s definitely more fun hanging out with you.”

“Your butt cheeks are two different sizes, too.”

“A little pet of Hideki’s and Hyogo’s? This I gotta see. Graduated with honors, eh? Singled out already, huh? Sounds like a gorilla girl. I picture a hearty, muscled lass with arms like hams. But what eventually materializes before me is a cute little hoppy white hare.” (—Tsugaru’s thoughts)

“Throwing her hard-written report into the trash basket has me in a great mood. Lalala...” (—Tsugaru’s thoughts)

“Drag her? She may be fierce, but she’s only bunny-sized. If she gets grabbed by three guys at once...” (—Tsugaru’s thoughts)

“She seemed so feminine. Having fun, and drinking more than she intended. (...) She flops back over, karate-chopping me in the face. How’d she manage to land a critical hit while sleeping?! Why did she decide to go into Public Safety? An innocent, carefree girl like this?” (—Tsugaru’s thoughts)

“This might be the first time I’ve really gotten a good look at her face. It isn’t too bad. She has a cute little nose, and her mouth moves like a little animal when it’s flapping. She’s even kind of charming. I scrutinize her face, drinking in the details.” (—Tsugaru’s thoughts)

“Probably because she’s a country bumpkin... No, no. She’s a daisy fresh girl raised on farm-fresh air.” (—Tsugaru’s thoughts)

“You four-eyed jerk...” (—Tsugaru to Ishigami)

“Don’t take my Little Hare... I want her all to myself.” (—Tsugaru’s thoughts)

“She and Goto could be doing it like bunnies for all I should care.” (—Tsugaru’s thoughts)

“I should drop Momo’s toenail clippings in that coffee of yours...” (—Tsugaru’s thoughts about MC)

“Don’t look so innocent while you’re sitting on a man’s thighs. I can feel her body heat... This proximity...” (—Tsugaru’s thoughts)

“I figured out from that little incident that dressing up isn’t your forte. Besides, it’s hard to compete with my beauty.”

“It’s a curse being this handsome.” (—Tsugaru talking about himself to Kurosawa)

“I hope you’re looking forward to it too, Little Hare... Our D.A.T.E!” (—Tsugaru speaking loudly to make the other guys jealous)

“I really wanted you to see it. How the old Namba gang would react. As the day of our date approached, Little Hare, they couldn’t stand it. Hideki’s frown line just kept getting deeper and deeper. And Hyogo was drinking so much coffee, he was practically vibrating.”

“Yes, we’re like Beauty and the Beast, aren’t we? Come along, Beast.”

“Are you jealous of our bro-date, Little Hare? (—Tsugaru talking about when he was hanging out with Kaga in the past to MC)

“Don’t compare your face and mine. It’s an insult.”

“You unfaithful hussy.”

“Little Hare takes priority.”

“You’re quite big, Little Hare. (...) Maybe I was talking about your chest.”

“No shoulder rides for you, little man.” (—Tsugaru to Noa after he was called “weird” by him)

“You’re right. You’re more of a snot-dribbler than a tear-spiller.”

“How can you say a handsome face like mine is ever “in the way”...?”

“Trying to make me hate you? ...Silly. Thank you for not changing. Please... always stay the way you are.”

“Hmm? You want a non-antidote kiss this time? Ahaha. You’re bright red. Like a tomato. Let’s see if I can make you... a squashed tomato.”

“We should at least go on a date before we get married. Let’s go on a date.”

“When I was a kid, I was always imagining things, never knowing that part of me would be killed off. But right now, I indulge in a little fantasy of Little Hare’s twitchy bunny face.” (—Tsugaru’s thoughts)

“Excuse me?! I fight a sudden urge to take a flying kick at Seiji’s back.” (—Tsugaru being jealous of Goto in his thoughts)

“I’d decided not to use my past to make excuses. But the complex I’ve been hiding... It’s in every part of me.” (—Tsugaru’s thoughts)

“Was she asking because she wants to be my girlfriend? I’d like to tell you... that you deserve that position, too. (...) Girlfriend, huh. When she asked me why I can’t get one... my heart skipped a beat. The only girl I can think of that could fit the bill is her.” (—Tsugaru’s thoughts)

“She’s taken tons of snaps of Squad Katsuragi, all glistening with sweat. You dirty paparazzo, Little Hare. What are you thinking, letting strange men into your apartment? Strange men who aren’t ME! I delete all the photos before taking a few selfies, then handing her phone back. (...) I set the lock and background screens as me too.” (—Tsugaru talking and thinking about MC)

“Can I say goodnight to the baby in your belly? Goodnight. I can’t wait to meet you.” (—Tsugaru talking to his mom and unborn sibling, as a child)

“I started having dumb, hopeful thoughts of being her someone special.” (—Tsugaru’s thoughts)

“A murderer’s blood runs in my veins. This was the one thing I didn’t want her to know about me. I didn’t want you to know... Not you. Not my normal, innocent Little Hare.” (—Tsugaru’s thoughts)

“I want to be a man you can feel confident sticking by. I don’t want you to stay around because you’re worried. You’re my first real personal relationship, I guess.” (—Tsugaru’s thoughts)

“I’ll save her, over and over. I’d do anything to rescue the woman I love.” (—Tsugaru’s thoughts)

“She purses her lips. Gah, so cute. (...) Then she smirks at me, seeming very satisfied. She looks so, so happy. Cute as heck! I want to grab her and take her someplace private...” (—Tsugaru’s thoughts)

“I’ll draw Momo frying Little Hare alive with his Momo Beam.” (Tsugaru’s thoughts)

“(...) Once there was a boy called Momotaro... He was friends with a little hare, and a mean dog called Hyogo and a cyborg called Hideki. They traveled to the land of demons to fell the demon lord Seiji...” (—Tsugaru making up a story for Noa)

“She’s so good at being honest and earnest with people. Knowing she might hurt them, but not backing down, for the sake of what’s right. And she knows how to soothe those hurts, too.” (—Tsugaru’s thoughts)

“I knew it was only ever going to be a dream. Such a pure, uncomplicated girl could never fall for someone... like me.” (—Tsugaru’s thoughts)

“I’ll have to start calling you Little Piggy instead of Little Hare.”

“So she and Seiji had a little kitty friend at the academy? I’ll have to crush their relationship.” (—Tsugaru’s thoughts)

“Be happier about being chained to a hot guy.”

“My dream’s to go to Momo’s wedding. Be happy, my friend.” (—His VIP room)

“Imagine Hyogo of all people having a soft spot for someone. What a shock.” (—His VIP room)

“Dreamed I was being attacked by Kaga Kong and Ishizilla. I must be tired.” (—His VIP room)

“I happen to love my talented little subordinate, after all.” (—Tsugaru talking about MC, in Shinonome’s route)

“She’s surrounded by men. Is that businessman staring at her? If he gropes her, I’ll bring social justice down upon him.” (—Tsugaru’s thoughts about a random man & MC)

“Stay away, ace! (...) She’s done with you all. She has a new man now.” (—Tsugaru talking about MC to Goto and the others)

“I bet you spent two hours getting ready for this. You look cute though.”

“Well I noticed you like eating.”

“What about Tsugaru variety? (...) I’d like to be bitten by you. Will you eat me up?” (—Tsugaru talking about an apple version of him to MC)

“Just for today, I wanted you to only think about me.”

“Doctor Doolittle?! Oh no, that’s a vet. ...Whatever! A doctor, eh... A detective is cooler than a doctor any day. Anyway, doctors don’t play fair. They act like group dates are their killing grounds.” (—Tsugaru’s thoughts about Hajime)

“Give you a call? Sure she will, buddy. (...) There’s silence when the guy departs. Say something. Tell me you like me way better!” (—Tsugaru’s thought about Hajime and MC)

“I wonder what she was like as a university student? He dated her back then... They would have held hands, kissed, and also... Whispered sweet nothings in bed. Aaargh! Why... Why can’t you be mine alone...” (—Tsugaru’s thoughts about Hajime and MC)

“I love you.”

“You could never forget the face of a good-looker like me after seeing it once, right?” (—His VIP room)

“I’m the type that makes sure he leaves his mark on the girl that means most to him.” (—His VIP room)

“I can see how chic you are - or trying to be at least. You dolled yourself up for me, right?” (—His VIP room)

“You could be honest and compliment me. Tell me how I’ve got a handsome face, but everything else about me is perfect.” (—His VIP room)

“Little Hare, you’re the only one for me.” (—His VIP room)

“Did you get a good shot? Send me the best one. That’s right, I was thinking Momo would like it.” (—His VIP room)

“Hyogo plus water is a crazy combo, isn’t it? Kinda like a demon lord that’s just emerged from out of the sea.” (—His VIP room)

“Hmph. Wait… Don’t you want to take a picture? You can make me your wallpaper, you know.” (—His VIP room)

“My clothes are supposed to be see-through and are supposed to cling to me. Sorry I’m too sexy.” (—His VIP room)

“Even when I’m wet my high quality remains… Wow.” (—His VIP room)

[be11atrixthestrange]

A Bedtime Story

Also, my first Hinny fic! 

I’ve hesitated to post a hinny for so long since the fandom intimidates me :). But here we go...

A Bedtime Story

It was a dark and cold evening, and after a long week at the Auror department, Harry was more than ready for a nightcap. Firewhiskey in hand, he settled onto the couch next to Ginny, who was wrapped up in a fleece blanket by the crackling fire. She snuggled up next to him, looping her arms around his waist as he draped one arm around her shoulder.

"Long day?" she asked.

"You have no idea." His fatigue was nothing out of the ordinary, as his new leadership position left him exhausted at the end of every week. He never saw Ron at work anymore since he left the department last year, which made the days at work seem endless. And of course, he missed the action of his prior position. He thought spending more time in the office and less in the field would help him conserve his energy, but soon found out that the lack of excitement just drained him more. Ginny knew all this, of course.

"Well thankfully, tomorrow is a day off for both of us," she said, reaching for Harry's glass of Firewhiskey and taking her own sip. "And the night is still young." She placed the glass on the coffee table. Before Harry could protest, she turned his face toward her and kissed him. Harry groaned through the kiss, and he felt Ginny smile against his lips. He was so tired, but Ginny had a way of convincing him he wasn't. So he conceded, gently pulling Ginny with him as he lowered himself to his back.

"Uncle Harry? Aunt Ginny?"

Harry and Ginny froze at the sound of Teddy's little voice calling from the staircase. Andromeda had been away for the past week, and Harry and Ginny were currently on day six of Teddy Duty. They didn't mind it one bit, but bedtime was turning out to be quite the struggle. It was the third time tonight that Teddy had come out of bed, and evidently they had gotten a little too comfortable with their privacy.

"Can you tell me a story?"

Ginny sighed. "What are you doing awake?" she asked, untangling herself from Harry's arms. She subtly straightened her shirt back out and Harry grinned, as if a five year old boy would have any idea what he was interrupting. "It's very late, Teddy."

"I can't sleep without a story!" said the blue-haired child as he entered the living room. When he came closer, Harry realized he had tears in his eyes.

Harry and Ginny exchanged a look of both frustration and concern. "What happened, Teddy?"

"I don't want to be alone! I'm too scared to sleep alone," he said, his hair deepening to a darker, more ominous shade of blue.

"Ok," said Harry, shifting over to make room for him. "We will tell you a story. And you can come be with us on the couch for a while. You don't need to be alone."

Teddy nodded eagerly, before running around to the front of the sofa, and diving into the cushion between Harry and Ginny, his hair lightening in it's blue shade.

"What kind of story do you want to hear?" asked Ginny as she draped her arm around his little shoulders. He leaned into her, placing his head up against her arm. Harry couldn't help but smile at the easy affection between the two.

"Magical creatures!" said Teddy.

"Magical creatures?" Harry asked, raising his eyebrows. "Any particular kind of creatures?"

Teddy scrunched up his face in thought. "Way wolves."

Ginny looked at Teddy. "Way wolves? What are those?"

"Way wolves. The moon wolves."

"Oh. Do you mean werewolves?" said Harry cautiously, looking questioningly at Ginny, who shrugged.

"That's what I said," he replied, and his hair flickered red in frustration.

"Of course it is," said Ginny cheerfully. "We can tell you a story about a werewolf, if you'd like."

Teddy nodded in excitement before resting his head back down on Ginny's shoulder, and his hair settled at purple, as it did when he was content.

"We used to have a very good friend who was a werewolf," continued Harry. "He was a pretty cool bloke. Do you want to hear more about him?"

Teddy grinned. "Yes!"

"He was my teacher when I was in school. His name was Remus," said Harry. "Can you say Remus?"

"Wemus."

Ginny smiled. "Close enough," said Harry, before continuing his tale. "Remus became a werewolf when he was very young, and every single month, on the full moon, he would turn into a big scary wolf."

"Aaargh!" said Ginny abruptly, in imitation of a wolf growl, playfully digging her fingers into Teddy's side. Teddy shrieked then howled in laughter.

"Was he a mean way wolf?" he asked when he calmed down.

"No, he was a nice werewolf. But there are a lot of people who are afraid of werewolves, so he kept it a secret for a very long time. Every time the full moon came out, he would go out to the woods alone, and wait by himself until he could turn back into a human."

"He had to be alone? Was he sad?" asked Teddy, as his hair flashed blue again.

"I think he was very sad. It's lonely in the woods," said Harry. "I'd be pretty sad if I had to stay in the woods by myself. Wouldn't you?"

Teddy nodded, and snuggled up closer into Ginny's arms.

"One day, his three best friends found out that he was a werewolf. They discovered that he would disappear only when there was a full moon, so they asked him about it, and he told the truth."

"Uh oh," said Teddy. "Were they scared?"

"No, they weren't," said Harry. "But Remus thought they were scared, and it made him sad. Especially when they started spending more time together without him."

"Why?" said Teddy, as his hair brightened to an angry shade of red again.

"Well, Remus thought they didn't want to be his friend anymore, but it wasn't that. Do you know what it was?"

"What?" asked Teddy.

"They were working on a top secret project and wanted to surprise him. They were spending so much time together without Remus because they were brewing a magical potion that would help them turn into animals too."

"Like this?" Teddy scrunched up his face, and suddenly a pair of triangular puppy dog ears sprouted from the sides of his head.

"Exactly like that!" said Harry, as Ginny ruffled his ears. Teddy laughed as his ears slowly turned back into human ones. "But they couldn't do it as easily as you. They needed a potion to do it, and they could only pick one animal. It took more than a month to make the potion, and they didn't want to get caught, so that's why they were so sneaky about it."

"Did Wemus find out what they were doing?"

"He did. One night, under the full moon, he was in the woods by himself, and three more animals walked up to him. There was a dog, a rat, and a stag. He recognized them at once as his three best friends. And then he never had to spend a night alone in the woods again."

"I don't want to be alone either!" said Teddy.

"You don't have to be!" said Ginny. She reached for the two pillows that were behind her back and set them down on the coffee table, before motioning for Harry to do the same. He pulled the two pillows from his side and set them down next to hers.

Ginny took out her wand and pointed it at the first pillow, muttering a few incantations as it began to change shape. When she was done, the pillow resembled a stuffed animal puppy. "This is Padfoot!" she told Teddy as she handed it to him. He squealed in excitement.

Ginny did it again with the second pillow, altering until it looked like a little rat. "Wormtail." She repeated the process with the third, transfiguring it into a stag. "And Prongs."

Teddy reached for the other two pillows and hugged them into his chest, smiling, his hair swirling in color indecisively.

"There's one more!" said Ginny, as she turned her spellwork to the last pillow, and it reshaped into a wolf. "This one is Moony!" She placed the pillow on top of the pile of stuffed animals that Teddy was currently holding. Like his mother's, his hair had landed on bubblegum pink, as it always did when he was feeling truly happy.

"Wemus!"

"Yes! That one's Remus," said Harry. "He'll always be with you."

Teddy was smiling looking down at the stuffed animal. "I love wemus," he said as he hugged it closer.

"Remus loves you too," said Harry, as he reached a hand over to Teddy, ruffling his bright pink hair, as Ginny looked at him tenderly. "What do you say Teddy? Bedtime?"

Teddy nodded, standing up, still clutching his stuffed animals to his chest. Harry playfully chased him toward the stairs, roaring like a wolf as Teddy shrieked and giggled as he ran away from him. Harry couldn't help but laugh as he chased him all the way back to Teddy's room. Once tucked in, Teddy fell asleep quickly, while holding Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs close.

When Harry returned to the living room, Ginny was right where he left her, sipping away at Harry's forgotten firewhiskey, and looking admiringly at him.

"What's that look for?" asked Harry as he melted back into the couch next to her.

"Not so tired after all, are you?".

"What can I say? Chasing Teddy around gives me a lot more energy than sitting at a desk, filing paperwork-"

"You're gonna be an awesome dad," Ginny interrupted. "Maybe that's the new adventure you need," she said more softly.

Harry smiled at her, unable to ignore the jolt of excitement that Ginny's comment ignited. "Yeah. Maybe it is," he said, plucking the glass of firewhiskey from her fingers. "Anyway, where were we?" he said before kissing her again.

[the-fox-populi-says]

I don't often write long personal stuff on this blog. But the past month I've been confronted with a very odd privilege I wasn't really aware of. Apparantly, I am a natural hermit. I was alone a LOT as a child. I always found ways to entertain myself. People have told me before they found it sort of odd and/or remarkable that I manage to get out of bed and do stuff every day, on my own, from home, despite not making much money of the stuff I do. I always sort of shrugged it off. I like making things. Occassionally I sell things. Not a very steady income, though. My partner's income makes sure I don't starve. Which I sometimes feel guilty about, but that's not the point here. I was aware of my privilege in that department already. No, this new one... is about self-motivation. About boredom. Whatever I may have expected this pandemic to reveal... this wasn't it. I fundamentally do not understand boredom.

I will try to phrase this in a way that doesn't upset people (I know this is tumblr, so it's probably futile, but still). This is not an accusation to anybody. This is a personal observation, a reality I've been living in, but never really noticed. Not to this extent, at least. People... need structure. I know that. I do too. People are social. I know that. I am too. But still I was not prepared to see this many people react this badly to isolation. If you're stuck with people you don't like, of course. If you have a teensy little living space with no balcony or garden, of course. If you're worried about your health or those of close friends/relatives, of course. If you are touch-starved, of course. If your job/business is at risk, of course. If you are already struggling with depression, an eating disorder, a disability or are otherwise dependant on people taking care of you, of course. If you're very extraverted and can't stand being alone, of course. If you're a huge workaholic/completely exploited so you have no idea what to even do with free time, of course. If you suddenly get like 5 times the responsibility/ work load/ risk exposure because of your job, of course. If you have no money to get materials to fill your time with, of course. If you have little means of connecting with others such as a working internet device, of course. But then I see people, close friends even, with no friends or family at risk, no personal (mental) health issues, a secure job, living with a loving partner, in a spacious home, who have hobbies, and a safe place to go outside, an online continuation of their job so structure is still pretty much there, often even have a work room/study so they can still sort of separate work & private, some of them are even used to working from home already... And they are still climbing the walls. These same people who always want to have holidays. Who always have lists of stuff they want to do and complain about a lack of time. Which they now have. They say they can't get motivated. They say they are bored. And, like... I get it. To a certain degree. This is a worldwide traumatic event. It's tiring, even if you aren't at the front lines. I'm also bummed that I can't derp through the city centre for fun like I'm used to. I hate being forced to use a desinfected shopping cart. I miss my gym, my favourite bar, and seeing my friends. I've had some bad days. But that's it- I'm just bummed. And they're just days, sometimes just hours, not weeks. It's an "ugh" not an "aaargh". And it doesn't get worse- It gets easier. As long as none of the other factors change, like someone I care about getting very sick (some were, or even still are, but none of them seem in immediate danger), or money suddenly falling away completely... I can easily last another 2 months before going mad. In fact, I've just comfortably settled in for the long haul. I got my hugs, my yard, my job, I can still get groceries- I'm good. A bit annoyed, but good. Not much actually changed... Except everyone around me seems to suffer from some real cabin fever, including my partner. Even my dad, Einzelgänger McNeed-no-one, seems grumpy.

And I'm just... baffled. Is it really that hard to stay motivated all by yourself, even if your basic needs are all met? Am I some kind of alien?? Do y'all not have projects? Hobbies? Books and games and movies you want to catch up on? Do you not feel like you're always months behind on everything? Do you normally not want to cram as much hours as possible in a day? Is it really that difficult to just do things? Even instant reward things? I'm no stranger to procrastination, or executive dysfunction, not at all, but... genuine boredom? I don't even understand how that WORKS. I can recall the last 3 times I've been legit bored in the last five years. They were all situations where I had to wait for something, yet keep alert the entire time. In any other situation, I can just set an alarm and retreat in my head. Or do a thing. Again- if your basic needs AREN't met (I'm not talking about a haircut, I mean like physical starvation) or if you're in some other stressful situation, including mental or physical illness/disability- yes. Absolutely. You're burnt-out, completely understandable. But if you HAVE a structure (a bit altered maybe, but still), HAVE somebody nice with you, HAVE non-risky job security, CAN communicate with loved ones- HOW. What is it that normally keeps you motivated, then? Do you need that specific an environment & rhythm to thrive, even if you often complain about it?? Explain it to me, please! I know we're dealing with global environmental catastrophe and this pandemic will likely cause a global recession on top of it, but- to me, at a certain point the amount of shit just becomes insurmountable and it doesn't matter much anymore if anything gets added. Who knows how I'll afford retirement. At this rate might very well not be able to afford clean water before that. We'll cross that bridge when (if) we get to it. Do whatever you can while you can, and that's enough. And making stuff is a great way to combat existential dread. I know that at the start of this, most people with anxiety functioned way better than the so-called normal people. Because a) they were used to navigating panic-mode, b) the social distancing took a load off and c) their brains went HAH SEE WE WERE RIGHT THERE WAS A THREAT! which I imagine must be sort of satisfying and relaxing. I figured this was the evolutionary benefit of anxiety. So now that cabin fever is rising, why do I not see more natural hermits being weirded out by everyone around them? Should there not be a decent group of humanity that keeps a level head during isolation? Has it become some social faux-pas to say you're personally not all that bad right now? Are you supposed to complain, even if you're fine?? Am I going to make myself some kind of outcast by posting this???

[coldcomputersoul]

Star and Marco’s Bogus Journey Episode 3: Waking Eclipsa

Summary: It’s a hoot and a holler when Ludo causes a major political crisis on Mewni. Meanwhile, Star is convinced that Marco is still alive and tries to convince everyone else.

Star vs. the Forces of Evil belongs to:

© Daron Nefcy

© Disney Television Animation

Sealab 2021 belongs to:

© Adam Reed & Matt Thompson

© Adult Swim

[theme song]

ACT I

[The episode starts with Ludo sitting on the royal throne all alone in the darkness. Meanwhile, a massive crowd of people bang their pots and pans in front of the castle as a form of protest. The noise is so loud that Ludo can hear it from inside the castle, causing him anxiety. Cut to three months earlier. Ludo is about to give a special announcement to the citizens of Mewni from the royal balcony, but he’s too short to reach the microphone]

Ludo:

[to the guards] Ehem... [the guards remain still] I said: EHEM!!!

Guard:

Oh, right...

[The guards bring Ludo a couple of boxes so he can reach the microphone. They also lift him up and set him in place]

Ludo:

[standing on the boxes] That’s better… [holds the microphone] Is this thing on?, okay… Citizens of Mewni: As many of you already know, today I’m speaking to you in my role as acting king due the detention and subsequent arrest of Moon Butterfly and River Johannsen, who were caught conspiring against me during a police operation. Now, although a trial date has not yet been scheduled, it is expected to take place within... two weeks at most.

[The audience starts talking among themselves]

Ludo:

However, that’s not the only reason I’ve summoned you today, you see: There have been some... rumors circulating lately regarding princess Star Butterfly that I would like to clarify… first of all: I want to confirm that princess Butterfly is indeed missing, she ran away three days ago and we still don’t know her whereabouts, however… any rumors about princess Butterfly joining a resistance group are 100% false, so I would like to ask you to stop spreading misinformation, please.

[The journalists talk among themselves]

Ludo:

Finally, I would like to announce that despite the current political crisis we’re going through right now, I have no plans to resign and cede my power to the parliament, so I’ll continue in my role as acting king until further notice...

[Ludo’s announcement causes mixed reactions among the audience]

Manfred:

[to the audience] Your majesty will answer all your questions now...

Journalist #1:

Mr. Avarius, does this means that your wedding with Star Butterfly is officially cancelled?

Ludo:

Well, me and my cabinet still didn’t discuss that possibility yet, as right now we’re too busy with some other issues that are far more important, so... I can’t give you a proper answer to that question.

Journalist #2:

Mr. Avarius, as the acting king of Mewni, what are your powers?

Ludo:

According to the law, I’m allowed to take major decisions regarding taxation, foreign policy, police reforms, and so on and so forth… however, I can’t pass new bills all by myself, nor change the constitution. Those are powers that only the parliament has.

Journalist #3:

Mr. Avarius, what will be your plan of action to solve the current unemployment crisis?

Ludo:

We’re gonna create hundreds of thousands of new jobs by spending over $9000 billion in business spending to boost our economic growth by repealing several policies of my predecessor.

Journalist #4:

Mr. Avarius, what policies of the Butterfly administration are you planning to repeal?

Ludo:

Well, for example, I’ll replace the social pensions in favor of an individual capitalization system to allow all the workers to administrate their own pension funds.

Journalist #5:

Mr. Avarius, what are your thoughts on the MPPA*? (*Mewni-Pixtopia Partnership Agreement)

Ludo:

It’s a terrible deal, just as terrible as the person who signed it AKA Moon Butterfly. I’ll renegotiate a better one and we’ll be 10 times richer, you’ll see… okay, I’m tired, no more questions...

[Ludo gets back inside the castle]

Manfred:

Your majesty, there are still some journalists outside the castle, what do you…?

Ludo:

Send in the guard dogs to get rid of them...

Manfred:

Sir, the dogs are feeling sick right now.

Ludo:

Then, just send in the guards for crying out loud!!! and tell them to use pepper spray if it’s necessary… God, I’m surrounded by idiots… I’ll be in my room.

[Ludo retires to his room to have some privacy. Cut to Janna walking to school while chewing bubble gum. Suddenly, she hears a noise coming from a bush in front of the school]

Janna:

What the…?

Star:

[from inside the bush] Psst… Janna, it’s me Star...

Janna:

Star? What are you doing here? I thought you went back to Mewni for good...

Star:

Look, it’s a long story and right now, I don’t have time to explain. I need you to tell me where’s Jackie.

Janna:

Jackie no longer study here, she is moving out...

Star:

Really? Where?

Janna:

To France...

Star:

[panicking] No, no, no ,no, no!!! this can’t be… and just when I had something SO important to tell her… Is she gone?

Janna:

Not yet, she moves out next week. so, you can visit her at her house if you like...

Star:

Great idea!

Janna:

Now, would you please tell me what are you up to? not that I care, I’m just curious...

Star:

There’s no time for that, look… [gives Janna a hand-drawn map] meet me at this place at 6pm… I have very important news to tell you, but I also need Jackie to be present, do you understand?

Janna:

Uhm, Star… [shows the crudely drawn map] this map is garbage... 

Star:

[sigh] The meeting is at the junkyard outside town, okay? there’s an abandoned 60’s van next to a pile of old tires… it’s unmistakable, trust me. 

Janna:

Got it. I’ll there at 6pm then...

Star:

Good, now if you excuse me, I have to go. Don’t tell anyone that you saw me, okay?

Janna:

Sure...

[Star uses her dimensional scissors to leave. In that moment, Hope and Leah show up]

Hope:

Hey Janna, who were you talking to?

Janna:

Uhm, I was… talking to this magical talking bush? [beat]

Leah:

Really?

Janna:

Yeah...

Hope:

Ooh, that sounds like fun, I want to talk to him too… [talks to the bush] hey there fella… [beat] oh, I think he doesn’t like me.

Janna:

Don’t be silly Hope... he’s just being shy...

Hope:

Oh, that’s so cute.

Janna:

Whatever...

[Cut to Hekapoo (still frozen in a crystal) inside the dungeon. In that moment, a mysterious shadow wanders around the hallways and unfreezes Hekapoo]

Hekapoo:

WHEN I GET MY HANDS ON YOU, I’LL…!!! Huh? Where am I?

Rhombulus:

[o.s] Inside the dungeon, I just unfroze you...

Hekapoo:

That voice...

[The mysterious shadow reveals itself as Rhombulus]

Hekapoo:

Rhombulus?! What the hell is going on?! Why am I in the dungeon?! What happened to Ludo?!

Rhombulus:

Take it easy Hekapoo, I’ll explain you everything, but first to need to calm down...

[Hekapoo takes a deep breath and calms down]

Hekapoo:

Okay, I’m cool now… would you please explain to me what in heaven’s name is going on?

Rhombulus:

Right… so after I froze you...

Hekapoo:

Wait… you were the one who froze me?!!! you damn traitor...!!!

Rhombulus:

[covering himself] Hekapoo please, let me explain to you, I swear it’s not what you think...

Hekapoo:

[sigh] Fine, I’ll listen to you… [crosses her arms] proceed.

Rhombulus:

Right… so after I froze you, Ludo promoted me to do your job, but that’s not the important part… like… Queen Moon and King River were caught trying to hire a hitman to kill Ludo, so they’re no longer in charge… and...

Hekapoo:

What?! When did that happen?!

Rhombulus:

Five days ago, but wait: I’m not done yet.

Hekapoo:

Wait, there’s more?!

Rhombulus:

Yes, because two days after the king and queen’s arrest, princess Butterfly ran away from the castle and no one knows where she is...

Hekapoo:

My God, you know what this means? Ludo has unlimited power now...

Rhombulus:

Not exactly, he’s still being limited by the parliament, but it’s only a matter of time before he finds out that he can remove people if he wants to.

Hekapoo:

You’re right, we gotta act quick if we want to stop him… I’ll just open a portal and...

Rhombulus:

Don’t do that!!! after princess Butterfly escaped from the castle, every dimensional portal is being guarded by the secret police… that’s one of the faculties Ludo gave them in order to maintain order.

Hekapoo:

So, what’s the big idea then?

Rhombulus:

Listen, at the end of this hallway, there’s a secret exit on the bottom right side of the wall, just push the big blue stone and you’ll enter into an abandoned corridor that will lead you outside the castle… once you’re outside, you head right into... [censor beep sound] that’s where the resistance is forming...

Hekapoo:

Wait, are you talking about... [censor beep sound] like, the… [censor beep sound]

Rhombulus:

Exactly, now hurry up, there’s no time to lose… [starts punching himself]

Hekapoo:

[raising an eyebrow] What are you doing?

Rhombulus:

I’m hurting myself in order to make it look like I put up a fight to stop you… [keeps punching himself]

Hekapoo:

Oh, you don’t have to do that… here, let me do it for you...

[Hekapoo starts beating Rhombulus]

Rhombulus:

[lying on the floor] Ouch! ouch! okay… I think that’s enough Hekapoo.. ouch! ouch! wait… please… that really hurts… Aaargh! have mercy… oh God… Aaaaah! [Hekapoo stops]

Hekapoo:

There you go, now it really looks like you put up a fight.

Rhombulus:

[writing in pain] Thank you Hekapoo… aargh!... you’re the best...

[Hekapoo runs away from the dungeon, but suddenly, she hears a familiar voice coming from one of the doors]

Queen Moon:

Hekapoo, is that you?

Hekapoo:

Your majesty, it’s me Hekapoo… are you okay?

Queen Moon:

Yeah, so far River and I are just being locked up, but how about you? do you have a plan?

Hekapoo:

Rhombulus told me the exact place where the resistance is forming, I’m planning to join them. Do you want me to get you out?

Queen Moon:

No, that won’t be necessary, we’ll be okay, however… I want you to do me a favor.

Hekapoo:

What do you want from me?

Queen Moon:

If you find Star… [takes a deep breath] I want you to promise me that no matter what, you will protect her from anyone who tries to hurt her… I know I’m asking you too much and you have to look out for for yourself too, but… Star is my only daughter and I don’t know what would I do if something happens to her, so please… take care of Star...

[Hekapoo simply smiles at her]

Hekapoo:

Don’t worry, your majesty, I won’t let you down...

Queen Moon:

Please, just call me Moon, at this point I’m not a queen anymore.

Hekapoo:

Whatever you say… Moon...

[Both women smile at each other. In that moment, Hekapoo hears some steps coming her way]

Hekapoo:

Oh crap, here comes one of the guards… [runs away] wish me luck Moon...

Queen Moon:

I’ll do it...

[Cut to Jackie carrying a box that says: “memories” and putting it in the trunk of a car. She notices that next to the box is a red belt that makes her think of Marco for a moment, then she takes a deep breath and keeps her way, but suddenly...]

Star:

[right behind Jackie] Jackie...

[Jackie gets startled and falls to the ground]

Jackie:

Star? what are you doing here?

Star:

There’s no time to explain, I need you to… [notices the red belt] Oh my… [takes the red belt] this used to belong to Marco, isn’t it? I remember he worked so hard to earn it... [her eyes get teary]

Jackie:

[standing up] Star, what’s going on?

Star:

[wiping her tears] Right... I want to tell you something very important...

Jackie:

What is it? I’m all ears...

Star:

But not here, I want you to meet me at the junkyard outside town at 6pm. Janna will be there too...

Jackie:

Wait… 6pm? but Star, right now I’m a little busy, you see… my mother took a new job and...

Star:

...and you’ll move out to France. Yeah I know, Janna told me about it, but please Jackie: This is very, VERY important and I need to know that I count on you to be there... [gets on her knees] pleeease...

[Jackie watches Star getting on her knees and thinks about it]

Jackie:

Okay Star, I’ll be there...

Star:

[hugging Jackie] Oh, thank you so much Jackie, it means so much to me to know that I can always count on you.

Jackie:

[hugging her back] That’s what friends are for...

Star:

Okay, I gotta go now… see you at the junkyard...

Jackie:

But Star, before you go, don’t you wanna talk about…?

[In that moment, Jackie’s mom shows up (her face is still unseen)]

Jackie’s Mom:

Jackie...

Jackie:

Yes mom?

Jackie’s Mom:

It’s getting late, did you pack your things in the car? 

Jackie:

Oh yeah, I did it, I was just talking with my friend right… [she turns her head but Star is now gone] here...

Jackie’s Mom:

Jackie, is something wrong?

Jackie:

Nevermind. I’ll just go upstairs for my skateboard.

[Jackie gets inside the house. Cut to Ludo practicing magic spells in his room]

Ludo:

[holding the wand] [taking a deep breath] Okay, one more time: Mega Narwhal Blast!!!

[A couple of sick narwhals come out of the wand and fall on the floor]

Ludo:

[throwing the wand] YOU SON OF A BITCH!!! F***ING WAND!!! I just don’t understand what am I doing wrong… God, this pisses me off!!!

[In that moment, Manfred shows up]

Manfred:

[opening the door] Your majesty...

Ludo:

What are you doing? I thought I told you to never interrupt me while I’m alone in my room, you sicko.

Manfred:

But your majesty, this is an urgent matter...

Ludo:

And so is my privacy, have you ever stopped to think about that?

Manfred:

But, your majesty...

Ludo:

[mocking him] But your majesty… shut the f*** up you irritating idiot, don’t you see I’m…?

[One of the guards show up in the room]

Guard:

Your majesty, there are riots in the street right now...

Ludo:

What? Why didn’t you tell me before?!!! ugh, you people are so incompetent.

[Ludo runs to the meeting room along with the guard. Manfred just watches him leave with utter disgust]

Ludo:

[talking to the guards] Okay, I want you to tell me what the hell is going on right now.

Guard #1:

Well, you see… it all started with an old man arguing with a police officer, but then...

Guard #2:

Then the officer did something that… well, see it for yourself:

[A couple of guards bring a TV screen to the meeting room, then one of them uses a remote control to turn it on]

News Anchor:

...after being shot in a drive by shooting, Mewni’s state hospital finally confirmed the death of Blinky the clown at 4pm eastern time… in other news: Mewni lived a massive riot at Polybius Square after an elder man was brutally beaten by a police officer. Our field reporter, Tyrone Maggotbone is on the scene: How is everything over there Tyrone?

Tyrone:

[in front of a riot] Jeff, this is without a doubt one of the most unprecedented riots I’ve ever seen in my life. Hundreds of thousands of Mewmans are fighting against the police without an inch of fear… it’s like, these are levels of violence that we’ve never seen among mewmans before, I mean, look at this… [the camera shows a group of policemen kicking an old lady on the floor] are you getting this? Jesus Christ, that’s violent.

News Anchor:

Any idea of how this conflict escalated so quickly?

Tyrone:

Well, luckily for us, someone recorded the entire conflict that started this protest on his phone, I’ll send it to you so… there you go.

[The video shows an old man holding a sign that says “bring back social pensions” and a police officer approaches him asking him to leave, but they start a heated discussion which ends with the police officer banging the old man’s head with his stick, causing the outrage of everyone among the crowd]

Tyrone:

Now, I don’t know how this is going to end for the citizens of Mewni, but one thing’s for sure: This is an incident that people will never forget...

[The TV turns off]

Guard #1:

So, what are you gonna do about…?

Ludo:

Tear gas.

Guard #1:

Wait, what?

Ludo:

I want you to stop the riots using tear gas.

Guard #2:

But your majesty, don’t you think you should…

[Ludo pulls out a gun and shoots him in the leg]

Ludo:

What was that? Oh, I’m sorry, I thought you were questioning my authority for a moment. Anyway, use tear gas on every person who dares to even hold a sign, no exceptions. Do I make myself clear?

Guards #1 & #3:

Yes sir...

[The guards take their injured co-worker to the hospital]

Ludo:

[thinking to himself] The people of this country think they can make fun of me, huh? well, the joke’s on them because this is just getting started.

ACT II

[Cut to Jackie heading towards the junkyard on her skateboard. Once she gets there, she sees Janna along with Marco’s parents, Sensei Brantley, Gustav, the Morrisons, Alfonzo and Ferguson]

Jackie:

[fist bumping with Janna] Hey Janna...

Janna:

[chewing bubblegum] Hey Jackie...

Jackie:

Could you please tell me what’s going on?

Janna:

Well, you’re asking the wrong person, because I’m just as clueless you right now...

Sensei Brantley:

Hey, I was told that we would get free candy. I want my free candy.

Gustav:

This better be good. I missed my cooking class for coming here.

Alfonzo:

Hey look, it’s Star...

[Star suddenly appears from behind the van]

Mr. Diaz:

Star, what’s the meaning of this?

Ferguson:

Yeah, why did you call us?

Star:

I’m so glad you asked that question, because the answer will certainly blow your minds… now, we all remember our dear friend Marco, right? a regular teenage boy with a lot hobbies including videogames, cooking, karate and even ballet… yes, he was great dude with a lot of potential, but sadly on a dark turn of events he sacrificed himself in the name of the greater good.  But… what if he didn’t really die and he’s more alive than ever before?

Janna:

[raising her hand] Uhm, excuse me, but… what the hell are you talking about?

Star:

That’s a very good question Janna Banana… and in order to answer it, first I want to show you something in my phone that will give you a clue of what I mean… take a look:

[Star shows them a clip from Sealab 2021 (from the episode “Der Dieb”)]

Star’s Phone:

Murphy: Now who's ready to beat some ass?

Marco: [steps forward and kneels] I'm in.

Murphy: I dub thee... [knights Marco with the bat] Sir Phobos, Knight of Mars, Beater of Ass. Be a hitter, babe.

Stormy: Hey!  I wanna be a Martian Knight...

[Marco steps over to Stormy, now brandishing a bat]

Stormy: ...with... you guys? Maybe... get... one of them bats?

[Marco hauls off and knocks Stormy in the crotch with the bat; Stormy falls to the floor]

Debbie: Oh my God!

Quinn: What are you doing?

Murphy: Silence! I am enforcing the sacred law of the Red Planet.

Sparks: It's not 'Martian' law. It's-

Murphy: [to Marco] Sir Phobos?

[Marco walks over to Sparks, offscreen. We see the bat flying around and hear lots of thumps and Sparks' cries]

Sparks: [off-screen] Oww!!! My hand!!! You crushed my hand!!!

Mrs. Morrison:

Is this a joke?!

Mr. Diaz:

Star, you better have a good explanation for this!

Star:

Don’t you get it?! [points at her phone] This right here is Marco, OUR Marco. He’s trapped on another dimension and we gotta get him back.

Janna:

[giving her a pat on the back] Okay Star, with all due respect, I think you need some help, because you’re clearly out of your mind...

Star:

I’M NOT CRAZY!!! Marco is still alive and this is the proof...

Jackie:

But Star, that’s just a TV show. Just because there’s a character that shares the same name as Marco doesn’t mean they’re the same person.

Star:

But it’s not just the name. They have the same hobbies, the same personality traits, the same haircut... how can you not see it?

Gustav:

[standing up] Alright, I have enough of this… I’m leaving now...

Mr. Morrison:

Yeah, we’re leaving too...

[Everyone starts leaving]

Star:

Hey, where are you going? don’t leave me here all alone. We gotta get Marco back!!!

Janna:

Listen Star, if you want my advice: Get a good psychologist. For your own good.

Star:

But I know I’m telling the truth. Jackie, please: Tell everyone that I’m not crazy.

Jackie:

[scratching her head] Eh… well… maybe this time you should listen to Janna...

Star:

[shocked] But jackie… I thought you were my friend...

Jackie:

I am your friend Star, that’s why I think you should get some help. You can’t live the rest of your life in denial. Marco is gone, and he will never come back, and if you keep lying to yourself like this… well, let’s just say you’ll end up hurting everyone else around you… please Star… Star?

[Star stares at the floor in complete silence]

Star:

[whispering] Get out...

Janna:

What did you just say?

Star:

[screaming] Get out!!! All of you!!! Now!!!

Jackie:

But Star, we’re your friends...

Star:

I don’t have any friends here… leave me alone!!!

[Star turns away and hides inside the van. Jackie tries to follow her, but Janna stops her]

Janna:

Jackie don’t… that’s not a good idea.

Jackie:

but, I can’t help myself Janna. She looks so vulnerable.

Janna:

Yeah, but I know she’ll get over it one day. She just needs some time alone to mourn Marco, that’s all.

Jackie:

[sigh] You’re right. it’s not up to us.

Janna:

Come on, let’s go. We’ll be back tomorrow...

[Jackie and Janna leave the junkyard. Cut to Ludo having a meeting with the parliament and the Magic High Commision. He just walks around in circles over the table while rubbing his chin]

Ludo:

So, let me get this straight: You were at the dungeon looking out the prisoners, right?

Rhombulus:

[looking down] Right...

Ludo:

...and just when you went to check Hekapoo’s cell, you noticed she was gone, right?

Rhombulus:

Yes.

Ludo:

So, the attack was before of after you noticed she was gone, or...?

Guy #1:

Your majesty please, with all due respect: Don’t you think we should be discussing about more important issues? [covering himself] please don’t shoot me...

Ludo:

This is important you nincompoop, a highly dangerous prisoner escaped from the dungeon and I need to know every detail about it to evaluate what kind of security measures should I implement in the future. Stupid bureaucrat.

Guy #2:

Excuse me your majesty, but… what my colleague over here meant by “more important issues” was to talk about the overall discontent of our citizens.

Ludo:

What’s the big deal? I thought you already took care of them. Did you use tear gas to disperse the protesters like I told you to do?

Guy #3:

That’s not the point your majesty. The people reject the entire new system. According to our last poll, your approval rating is only 3%. Queen Moon’s approval was 30% at worst.

Ludo:

Meh, who cares about that? polls are misleading anyway… the people need some time to get used to the new system, that’s all… besides, I’m sure the economy is doing just fine.

Guy #4:

Eh, not exactly...

Ludo:

What? But how can this be? my economic plan was flawless. Explain yourself...

Guy #4:

Well, aside from the fact that nobody has been able to adapt to the new pension system, or the spending cuts you did on education that left several teachers unemployed, the unions are calling for massive strikes due the low wages and unfair contract terms.

Ludo:

Those filthy smurfs!!! [snaps his fingers] Okay, I got it: From now on, unions are forbidden and every person who joins or tries to create one will be punished by DEATH!!!

Guy #3:

But your majesty, that’s against the constitution.

Ludo:

Well, change the damn thing for f***’s sake!!! I’m just trying to solve the problem.

Guy #1:

Your majesty, don’t you think it would be easier if you just apply more sanctions to big companies so they are forced to provide better work conditions to their employees?

Ludo:

Are you nuts?! That will make me look weak and pathetic. We’ll boost the economy by raising tariffs on imported goods instead.

Guy #5:

Uhm, yeah… [scratches his head] speaking of which: The Pixie Empress called this morning to complain about the the changes you made at the MPPA, and...

Guy #2:

We told her it was non-negotiable, so she withdrew from it, and now we lost our main phone service provider.

Ludo:

Ugh, that tinkerslut!!! that’s it, we’re going to war!!!

Guy #4:

Are you insane? that will cost us trillions!!!

Guy #3:

Not to mention their army is like: TEN times bigger than ours. They will pulverize our soldiers.

Ludo:

Look, I’m perfectly aware how hard must be for you that some of our good men will probably die during this bloody conflict… but it’s a sacrifice I am willing to make for this country.

Guy #1:

We won’t let you!!!

Ludo:

[getting angry] Are you questioning my authority as king?!!! I can get you killed for your lack of respect, you know...

Guy #4:

[standing up] Your majesty, please try to be more reasonable. We’re doing our best to come up with a solution to all these problems and you just keep treating us like garbage.

Ludo:

Well, maybe it’s because you’re garbage. I mean, look at this mess. This country is falling apart and I can’t do anything about it because my hands are tied by YOU!!!

Guy #4:

You can’t blame us for your failed policies!!!

Ludo:

Why not? You’re the ones who are keeping me from making the changes this country needs.

Guy #4:

[groaning loudly] Jesus F***ing Christ!!! this is SO pointless, it’s like talking to a child!!! [stands up] that’s it: I’m out of here… [walks away]

Ludo:

HEY!!! GET BACK HERE!!! WE’RE NOT DONE YET!!!

[Everyone else starts leaving as well, including the Magic High Commission]

Ludo:

Oh yeah?!!! fine… I don’t need you to run this country!!! I can do it on my own!!! [he is now all alone at the meeting room] God, being king is frustrating!!! I wish I could have someone to teach me...

[In that moment, Miss Heinous quietly sticks her head in the door]

Miss Heinous:

Uhm, excuse me… Is this the meeting room?

Ludo:

Who the hell are you?! How did you get here?!

Miss Heinous:

Well, I told the guards that I had an appointment and he just let me in...

Ludo:

Ugh, note-to-self: Fire all the guards and replace them with robots.

Miss Heinous:

Look, I understand that you’re busy guy and don’t like to be interrupted, but… if you just give us a minute to talk with you, we would like to make you an offer you might find interesting.

Ludo:

Wait… us? I thought you were alone.

Miss Heinous:

Oh, right… silly me...

[Miss Heinous opens the door and reveals she’s with her minions Gemini and Rasticore]

Miss Heinous:

Allow me to introduce myself: My name is Olga Heinous and these are my personal assistants Gemini and Rasticore. say hello boys. [they make a reverence] I’m the former headmistress of St. Olga’s Reform School for Wayward Princesses. I have my CV right here if you wanna verify for yourself...

Ludo:

School? Oh, I get it. You’re here to complain about the education cuts, [sigh] listen lady: I don’t know who do you think you are, but let me be clear on this: I’m not gonna change my policies. End of story.

Miss Heinous:

No, wait… I’m not here to complain at all, on the contrary: I would personally like to thank you for your excellent job regarding domestic policy.

Ludo:

Domestic policy? What are you talking about? there are still riots on the streets.

Miss Heinous:

Yeah, I know, however: If it weren’t for your police reforms, the situation would be ten times worse.

Ludo:

Finally someone who gets it.

Miss Heinous:

However, while I do think your policies are good, they’re far from being perfect, and that’s why I’m here, your majesty… [makes a reverence] to work with you.

Ludo:

[raising an eyebrow] You are?

Miss Heinous:

Of course, you see: Before I got kicked out from my own school, my crew and I created a new kind of educational system that not only was capable to break our students on the outside, but on the inside too. A prison for the mind if you will. However, one day a princess called Turdina came out of the blue and destroyed my entire job… [has flashbacks of Princess Turdina] All of a sudden, my students became free-thinking rebels: Wild, unpredictable, incapable of being disciplined. Somehow, their minds were no longer mine to control them. All thanks to that one princess...

Ludo:

That’s terrible.

Miss Heinous:

After I lost my school, my job, my reputation, there was nowhere for me to go, in fact: To this day I still live in my car and the only company I have are my dear Rasticore... [gives him a pat on the head] and this deformed freak over here… [points at Gemini]

Gemini:

Hello...

Ludo:

Well, that’s a cute little story and all, but I still don’t understand why should I let you help me.

Miss Heinous:

Wait, I’m not done yet, you see... [has flashbacks of her reading several books] once I lost everything, I spent several weeks analyzing my failure. Day after day I read every book about mind control and discipline to figure out what I did wrong, but after months of pointless research I came to a realization: Maybe, it’s not about take away their freedom, but rather make them believe they have freedom...

Ludo:

Wow, I… never thought about that...

Miss Heinous:

So, what do you say? Let me be your political adviser, and I promise you’ll become the most popular ruler on Mewni since Queen Festivia.

Ludo:

Do I have to become a nice person?

Miss Heinous:

Nope, you can still be as much of a douche as you please.

Ludo:

Well, in that case welcome aboard Miss Heinous. [shakes her hand] I’m sure it will be a pleasure to work with you.

Miss Heinous:

On the contrary your majesty: The pleasure is all mine.

[Cut to Hekapoo arriving at some unknown location (that looks like hell) where a crowd of mewmans and monsters gather around. In that moment, she finds Kelly and Pony Head among the crowd]

Hekapoo:

Kelly? Pony Head? Is that you?

Kelly:

Hekapoo? Oh, thank goodness you’re okay. We thought you were dead.

Hekapoo:

Where’s princess Butterfly?

Pony Head:

[to Kelly] Don’t tell her anything!!! remember that she works for the government and will probably rat us out if we speak.

[Hekapoo and Kelly just look at her with an scornful facial expression]

Pony Head:

[feeling awkward] Eh… I mean… just kidding… come on, can’t you take little joke? he-he...

Hekapoo:

As I was saying: Do you know where she is?

Kelly:

I have no idea, but one thing’s for sure: You won’t find her in this dimension.

Hekapoo:

Wait, how do you know that?

Kelly:

Because we are the ones who helped her in her escape.

Hekapoo:

Really? wow, it must have been difficult for you, I mean with all the guards around watching the place and stuff...

Kelly:

Oh, you have no idea, like… first we had to sneak into the castle while avoiding the watchdogs, at first we tried to climb our way in, but fortunately Tad found a loose stone in the wall and...

Pony Head:

After we got in, I had to take everyone to the top room where Star was with a rope tied to my neck and then Tad said something about a loose bar and blah blah blah, long story short we escaped from the castle and gave Star a pair of dimensional scissors, but that’s all we know so far, I swear...

Hekapoo:

And you don’t have any idea of where she could be, do you?

Kelly:

Unfortunately, Star didn’t tell us where she was planning to go, but I’m sure she went somewhere safe and will be okay.

Pony Head:

Yeah, I mean, it’s not like she’s hiding on Earth or something like that, because that would be really stupid and Star knows better, right? RIGHT?

[Hekapoo and Kelly look at each other very concerned]

Pony Head:

Oh my God, she’s hiding on Earth, isn’t it?

Hekapoo:

I have to go there and find her.

Kelly:

But how? All dimensional portals are being watched by him, you could reveal her location to Ludo if you do that.

Hekapoo:

But she needs someone to protect her, don’t you get it? It’s only a matter of time before he finds out and send their thugs to get her back. If only there was a way to get there without using portals, I...

Random Guy:

Shhhhh… the rally is about to start...

Hekapoo:

Rally? What rally?

[In front of the crowd there’s a stage with a demon servant ready to make an announcement]

Demon Servant:

[holding a paper] And now, your demonic majesty prince Thomas Draconius Lucitor will address you to discuss the current crisis our country is facing.

[Tom gets on stage while holding a microphone. The servant makes a final reverence and leaves]

Tom:

Thank you Frank… Now, we all know why we’re here, right? These hard times we’re living today, this whole crisis that it’s like nothing we’ve ever seen before, we must put a stop to it, but in order to do that we need organization. So, the first thing I would like to propose to all mewmans, demons and monsters is to set aside our differences and come together to face this powerful enemy that doesn’t respect anything, or anyone for that matter, I’m talking of course about Ludo Avarius.

[Everyone starts booing at the mention of Ludo’s name while holding Anti-Ludo signs]

Tom:

Yeah, yeah, I know, I hate Ludo too, but listen: If we REALLY want to take him down, we have to do the smart thing and join our forces to achieve this common goal we all have. Look, I know it hasn’t been easy for any of us, we have our differences and we all know it, but is in times like these where the will of the people is put to the test, and who knows, maybe… JUST maybe, if we’re successful, we’ll realize we have more in common than we thought. So, what do you say? Are you with me?!!!

[The crowd starts cheering at him]

Tom:

Now, that’s what I’m talking about, and with all said and done, I have great news for you: As you may know, Pixtopia just withdrew from the MPPA and shut down all their services on Mewni, however… as we’re speaking right now, a group of my best lawyers and negotiators are reuniting with the Pixie Empress to bring their magic dust to us without any interference from Ludo’s government.

[The crowd starts cheering once again]

Hekapoo:

Wait, did he just say “magic dust”? [walks among the crowd] Hey, I have a question!!!

Tom:

And last, but certainly not least: I recently spent a good amount of my fortune, two hundred four million dollars to be exact, to buy you helmets, pads and gas masks so you can get all the protection you need on the upcoming protests. Bring it on boys!!!

[Tom’s minions fly around the crowd giving helmets, pads and gas masks while the crowd cheers even louder and start singing a song with the same melody of “The Star-Spangled Banner”]

The Crowd:

♫ Ludo go f*** yourself… You are worse than the plague… We will seeeever you head and… Serve it up on a plate… ♫

Tom:

Well, that’s all for today people, and don’t forget to assist to next week’s rally at Polybius Square at 4pm. Don’t forget I count on you, so don’t let me down [winks at the crowd] See you later...

[Tom gets off the stage while the crowd keeps cheering at him. Meanwhile, Hekapoo tries to make her way to the stage. Cut to Tom at the backstage celebrating along with his life coach Brian]

Tom:

That. Was. Incredible!!! I mean, did you see the way they all cheer up for me? Ah man, this is the best day ever!!! High five!!! [he gives a high five to Brian] And all thanks to you Brian... 

Brian:

Don’t mention it master Tom, after all, it’s part of my job. [opens a bottle of soda and drinks it]

Tom:

Oh, don’t be so modest, you know I couldn’t have done this without you, so… you want me to take you to a Big Boy, or something? [gives him a pat on the back] come on, flapjacks are on me...

Brian:

Well, that sounds nice and all, but...

[In that moment, one of Tom’s minions enters the room]

Tom’s Minion:

Master Tom: You have a visit from someone who says she needs to talk with you immediately. She says it’s something important.

Tom:

Wait, did you just say “she”? let her in...

[Hekapoo enters the room escorted by Tom’s minions]

Tom:

Hey, wait a minute… you are that fire chick from the Magic High Commission… Hek-a-something…?

Hekapoo:

Hekapoo... now listen to me: You said you can get pixie dust, right? cause I need a huge favor...

ACT III

[Cut to Ludo and Miss Heinous having a private meeting at Ludo’s room. Heinous walks around in circles rubbing her chin while Ludo just watches her in silence while sitting on chair]

Ludo:

So, what do you think we should…?

Miss Heinous:

[interrupting him] Shhh… I’m thinking...

[Miss Heinous keeps walking around in circles for a while. Ludo gets tired and falls asleep]

Miss Heinous:

[shouting] I GOT IT!!!

[Ludo wakes up startled and falls off the chair]

Ludo:

[standing up] What? What? What? Where am I?

Miss Heinous:

I just came up with the perfect plan to make you popular among young people.

Ludo:

Really? And why took you so long?

Miss Heinous:

I’m sorry your majesty, but it was too much information to process in order to get it done. No offense, but you’re not exactly the nicest guy in the world.

Ludo:

[sigh] I know that, why do you think I hired you? Jeez… So, what’s the big idea?

Miss Heinous:

Okay, here’s the plan: Everyone loves a hero, right?

Ludo:

Right...

Miss Heinous:

This notion of a brave, fearless warrior facing the adversity, overcoming the obstacles that come his way in order to achieve his goals, or save the people the loves. That’s where the appeal is.

Ludo:

Okay, I think I know what you mean, but how exactly will I become a hero? I mean, just the idea of having a hand-to hand combat nice makes me wanna piss my pants.

Miss Heinous:

Oh, but that’s the whole trick your majesty: It’s not about make you look like a hero, but instead make your opponents look so bad, that people perceive you as a hero.

Ludo:

I’m not following you...

Miss Heinous:

It’s quite simple really. Just like the story of David and Goliath, people always tend to look out for the underdog, so in order to make you a hero, we’ll turn your enemies into the huge, evil monsters you should fight to save Mewni. In other words: You’ll become king David and they will be your Goliath.

Ludo:

Oh, now I get it. I must say, I’m starting to like this idea and all, but... how are gonna change people’s perception of me? I mean, I only have a 3% approval rating.

Miss Heinous:

Just leave everything to me your majesty, after all: If we want to achieve our goal we have to go one step at a time.

Ludo:

Well, if you say so...

[In that moment, one of the guards opens the door to make an announcement]

Guard:

Your majesty, the rioters came back. They’re making some kind of rally at Polybius Square.

Ludo:

What?!!! Send the military and them to shoot those terrorists right in the...

Miss Heinous:

[interrupting Ludo] Wait, don’t do that!!!

Ludo:

Huh? Why not?

Miss Heinous:

Look, just let them have their rally, trust me.

Ludo:

Aw, but I hate rallies...

Miss Heinous:

Listen to me: If you decide to respond with violence, not only will you legitimize their movement, but you’ll also lose the few approval you already have. Be smart and play safe, please...

[Ludo takes a moment to think about it]

Ludo:

[sigh] Okay, I’ll do as you say… [talks to the guard] Cancel the attack, but send a brigade of police officers to watch the surrounding areas.

Guard:

Yes sir… [leaves the room]

Ludo:

Are you sure this will boost my popularity?

Miss Heinous:

Of course it will, this is all part of the plan. Just let them have their puny little rally for now, because soon enough you’ll have them eating out of your hand.

Ludo:

Excellent...

[Ludo and Miss Heinous start laughing evilly. Cut to Star crying inside the van at the junkyard. She looks a picture of her, Marco and the girls, but decides to delete it]

Star:

[thinking to herself] Oh Marco, even though it’s only been a few of weeks since you’re gone, somehow I can still feel your presence all around. Now, I don’t know if it’s because I’m going crazy, or I just can’t accept the reality and move on like everyone else, but one thing’s for sure: Things will never be same again now that I’ve lost you...

[Star closes her eyes and keeps crying in silence surrounded by darkness, when suddenly she hears a whispering, echoey voice that says: “Go further down”]

Star:

[opening her eyes] What?! Who said that?!

[The voice now says: “Down the spiral”]

Star:

Who are you?! What’s going on?!

[Star gets out the van in the middle of the night and follows the mysterious voice that keeps repeating “Go further down” and “Down the spiral” over and over]

Star:

[running across the junkyard] Wait… Where are you? What do you mean by “Down the Spiral”?

[She keeps running around searching for the voice, but suddenly: The voice stops]

Star:

[breathing heavily] Hey… don’t go… don’t… [gets on her knees] oh, who am I kidding? maybe I’m really going crazy and I’m just starting to hear voices… I mean… is there a way this could possibly get any worse?

Hekapoo:

[o.s] Princess Butterfly?

[Star gets startled for a second, but then she turns her head and sees Hekapoo right behind her]

Star:

Hekapoo? What are you doing here? Were you doing those voices I’ve just heard?

Hekapoo:

[raising an eyebrow] Voices? I don’t know what you’re talking about, anyway… thank goodness I found you. I’ve been looking for you for hours, but Janna wasn’t very specific when I asked her where...

Star:

Wait, did Janna tell you I was here?

Hekapoo:

Well, yes.

Star:

Ugh, what a friend… and just when I thought this situation couldn’t possibly get any worse, now it turns out she spilled the beans on me, so you can take me back to marry that knucklehead Ludo.

Hekapoo:

I’m not here to take you back to Mewni.

Star:

Really?

Hekapoo:

On the contrary: I’m here to take you to a safer dimension so Ludo can’t find you. Mewni has become a living hell since you left, so trust me: It’s better for you to stay away.

Star:

What the hell happened on Mewni?

Hekapoo:

Well, after you disappeared Ludo assumed the position of acting king and ever since then he turned Mewni into a neo-fascist dystopia. He doubled down police enforcement, banned every form of protest and suspended several civil liberties.

Star:

Oh my God, that’s terrible.

Hekapoo:

And the worst part is that since your parents were arrested for attempting to hire a hitman to kill Ludo, they’re being kept in prison and no one is able to get them out.

Star:

Jesus Christ, we gotta do something.

Hekapoo:

Forget it princess, it’s too dangerous. Just so you know: I had to get here using pixie dust instead of a dimensional portal because even those are being guarded by royal soldiers.

Star:

But we can’t just sit back here and wait for something to happen, the lives of our friends and families are in grave danger and you know it.

Hekapoo:

I’m sorry your majesty, but I promised to your mother that I would protect you, so my answer is no.

Star:

[groaning] You’re unbelievable. It’s like the only thing you know how to do is follow orders, I mean, where’s your sense of individuality? Do you even have any dream? A personal goal in life, of something like that? Or maybe you’re just a selfish, cold hearted bitch, just like my mother... 

[Hekapoo gets angry at Star, so she slaps her in the face]

Hekapoo:

Now listen to me, you ungrateful little brat, because I’m only gonna say this once: You have no idea how much your mother has sacrificed for you to be safe, even at the expense of her own life, so the least you can do is treat her with the respect she deserves.

Star:

[rubbing her cheek] F*** you!!!

Hekapoo:

Besides: You wanna talk about selfishness? What about you princess? after all, you’re pregnant with Marco’s child, aren’t you? Are you telling me you’re willing to put that baby’s life in danger along with your own just to prove a point? I’m pregnant with Marco’s child too, and I don’t wanna risk myself or my upcoming baby just to save you. Have you ever thought about that?

Star:

[turning her back on Hekapoo] Leave me alone...

Hekapoo:

So... no snarky remarks on that one? Huh, why am I not surprised? Well, maybe it’s time for you to just grow up and cooperate with me for a change.

Star:

I didn’t ask for your help...

Hekapoo:

Well, tough luck sweetheart! because you have no choice.

Star:

I’m not going anywhere… [sits on the floor with her arms crossed] you understand?

Hekapoo:

Princess, please… you’re only making my job harder than it should be.

Star:

Well I’m sorry, but your job is not my problem.

[Hekapoo takes a moment to figure out a way to convince her]

Hekapoo:

You know, Janna also told me that you’re convinced that Marco is somehow still alive, is that true?

Star:

And what do you care about that?

Hekapoo:

Because just like you princess, I still remember Marco and would give anything to see him again, but I guess you don’t care about that either.

Star:

You’ll just think I’m crazy like everyone else did.

Hekapoo:

I give you my word that I won’t think you’re crazy, so please: Show me what you know about Marco.

[Star thinks about it for a few seconds. Cut to Star showing Hekapoo the inside of the van. She uses the flashlight of her phone to search for something across the floor]

Hekapoo:

What is this place?

Star:

It’s the inside of a van. It’s a human vehicle that I’ve been using as a house the last few days.

Hekapoo:

Why have you been using a vehicle as a house?

Star:

It’s a human thing, you wouldn’t understand.

Hekapoo:

So… you’re telling me that humans use their own houses as vehicles?

Star:

Not at all of them, just the ones that don’t have a roof over their heads.

Hekapoo:

So, there are humans that live under roofs they call houses, and the ones that don’t have roofs live inside vehicles they call houses, even though they’re not roofs? God, humans are weird... 

Star:

I’ve found it!!!

[Star shows her a notebook with all the information she’s been collecting]

Hekapoo:

What is this? wait, let me just… [uses her powers to create a flame to light up the place] there you go.

[The notebook contains images of several Sealab 2021 episodes along with their respective airdates, production codes, summaries and footnotes. The pictures with Marco have a red circle drawn around his face]

Star:

Okay, these images are from a TV show called Sealab 2021. It’s about a group of scientists living in an underwater research station for research purposes, but because of their sheer incompetence and unprofessional behavior they blow up their lab in almost every episode.

Hekapoo:

[rubbing her chin] Okay...

Star:

Now, after watching the complete series three times in a row and doing some research, I’ve found out that this show… is actually a parody of another show called Sealab 2020. 

Hekapoo:

Eh, I don’t understand what does this have to do with…?

Star:

Wait, I’m not done yet… The original show aired in 1972 and the parody aired in 2001, almost 30 years of difference, after doing more research I discovered that between 1970 and 2000 the United States spent around 13.5 million dollars in underwater research stations alone... that’s like 88.6 millions if you adjust it to today’s standards.

Hekapoo:

Wow, I didn’t know you were so good at math.

Star:

Well, to tell you the truth, I asked some help from Alfonzo for that one, but anyway: The reason I’m telling you this is because of this character over here… [points at Marco]

Hekapoo:

Well, he kinda looks like Marco.

Star:

That’s the whole point: The full name of this character is Marco something something Diaz something something something Marquez, he works as the station’s engineer, and not only shares the same name as OUR Marco, but he is also a bit stubborn, has large muscles, knows karate, how to cook, has large muscles, doesn’t speak spanish very well, is a bit corky, has large muscles, he’s even a bit of a ladies’ man… did I mention he has large muscles?

Hekapoo:

Okay, I admit those are a lot of coincidences, but how are you so sure that THIS is OUR Marco?

Star:

Well, remember when Marco attempted to destroy the Espercrystal while it was embedded in Toffee’s body? you know, when Toffee turned into that gigantic mass of flesh and stuff...

Hekapoo:

Yeah, I remember that...

Star:

The last thing we could see before they disappeared was that giant upward spiral of magic energy that quickly vanished into thin air, so… my theory is that maybe, just MAYBE, Marco wasn’t actually disintegrated, but teleported into a different spacetime, something that goes beyond any dimension we have knowledge of. Something like... 

Hekapoo:

A different realm.

Star:

What’s a realm?

Hekapoo:

In the Magic High Commision that’s how we call those places that are beyond any dimension we have registered in our archives, it’s like when you have a map and you reach the edges into unexplored territory.

Star:

Wait, so... do you actually believe me? You don’t think I’m crazy, or something like that?

Hekapoo:

No, not at all, in fact: I think your theory makes a lot of sense considering that realm travelling can actually bend some of the rules of spacetime.

Star:

[getting excited] Oh my God, you know what this means? We can get Marco back!!! [starts jumping for joy] Hooray! this is the best day ever. Using your knowledge and my bravery and determination we’ll be able to find him on wherever dimension he’s in...

Hekapoo:

Wow, wow, wow… now hold your horses for one second princess: realm travelling is nothing like the dimensional travelling you’re used to. We’re talking about a whole new level in spacetime journey that goes beyond my understanding, so… No, we’re not going anywhere.

Star:

But we gotta get Marco back!!! I thought you loved him...

Hekapoo:

Look, I love Marco as much as you do princess, but it’s too dangerous and I promised to your mother that I would keep you safe, so this conversation is over.

Star:

[making a puppy face] Pleeeease...

Hekapoo:

No.

Star:

Oh, come on...

Hekapoo:

I said no, and even if I agreed to do it, I still don’t know how to travel. The only person I know that knows about realm travelling is...

Star:

Who? Who knows about realm travelling?

Hekapoo:

I’m not gonna tell you.

Star:

Come on, just tell me… I promise I won’t do anything. Scout’s honor!

Hekapoo:

Don’t try to fool me, you’re not even a scout.

Star:

[taking a deep breath] Okay, you asked for it: tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me...

Hekapoo:

OKAY, OKAY, I’LL TELL YOU!!! BUT FOR GOD’S SAKE: CUT IT OUT!!!

Star:

It always works...

Hekapoo:

As I was saying: The only person I know that knows about realm travelling is Queen Eclipsa, but she’s still frozen in the crystal dimension so we can’t go there. End of story.

Star:

Sure we can, we just have to use some of that pixie dust of yours and that’s it. Easy peasy lemon squeezy...

Hekapoo:

Okay, first of all: Rhombulus is the only one who has the ability to unfreeze people, and he no longer works on the crystal dimension, and second of all: We’re not going.

Star:

[groaning loudly] You’re just like my mother, you… wait a second: You said that my mother sent you to protect me... which it means you still work for my family... therefore, I’m actually your boss...

[Star looks at Hekapoo with a grin on her face. Hekapoo gulps out of fear]

Hekapoo:

Princess please, just take a moment to consider it...

Star:

Too late, I’ve already made up my mind, so… [puts her arm around Hekapoo’s shoulders] Beam me up Scotty!

Hekapoo:

Me and my big mouth...

[Cut to a group of protesters having a celebration in Polybius Square. There’s people dancing in the streets, people putting up anti-government posters and even people burning an effigy of Ludo. Tyrone, the news reporter is on the scene]

Tyrone:

[holding a microphone] I’m here at Polybius Square where a massive event is taking place right now. Thousands of people gather around for the third consecutive week on what is seems to be the biggest march in Mewni’s history. To give us more details, we have an exclusive interview with none other than the organizer of this entire movement: Tom Lucitor. [the camera shows Tom next to Tyrone] How are you today Tom?

Tom:

Very excited Tyrone, you know, I never thought this movement me and crew started three weeks ago could become so massive, I mean, look at all these people right here. This certainly goes beyond all our projections.

Tyrone:

Right... Moving to another topic, there have been some reports of lootings taking place around the square, as well as some acts of vandalism that some people attribute to the protests, what do you have to say about that?

Tom:

Nothing but isolated incidents Tyrone. I’ve been organizing this movement from day 1 and I’ve spoken with a lot of people, and let let me tell you: The vast majority you’re watching right here are pacific and have nothing to do with the looters. Besides, I can guarantee you that 2 out of 3 looting incidents are hoaxes made by the police in order to discredit our movement.

Tyrone:

Really? How does that work?

Tom:

Well, first they pay a group of people to put on some masks and attack a bunch of previously selected stores and small business they capture on video, and then they post it on the internet to...

[Cut to Ludo and Miss Heinous watching the news at the meeting room]

Ludo:

[panicking] Oh my god, they found out about the hoaxes. The plan is ruined!!!

Miss Heinous:

Relax your majesty, this is exactly what we wanted.

Ludo:

[raising an eyebrow] It is?

Miss Heinous:

Of course!!! In fact: The rise of that demon boy is the best thing that could have happened to us.

Ludo:

Really? But how? I don’t get it.

Miss Heinous:

Elementary, my dear Ludo: The best way to make you popular is to find someone that people can hate more than they hate you, don’t you understand? By dragging Tom down, we’ll discredit your entire opposition making them look dishonest. In that way we can shift the narrative to turn you into the lesser of two evils. It’s politics 101 basically...

Ludo:

My God… That’s brilliant!

Miss Heinous:

Now, the only thing we have to do is find some dirt on him, but how are we gonna do it?

Ludo:

You leave that to me, I know the perfect guy...

[Cut to Rhombulus trying to create dimensional scissors at Hekapoo’s fortress. However, all his attempts so far have failed miserably, resulting in a pile of deformed scissors]

Rhombulus:

[putting his hands around the fire] Almost there… [the scissors turn out okay] Yes!!! [but then they stretch and deform] Oh, F***!!! [throws the scissors into the pile] Who am I kidding? I don’t know how to make dimensional scissors, Ludo will blow me into smithereens for this. [sigh] If only Hekapoo was here to teach me how to do it, I mean, she makes it look so easy...

[In that moment, Hekapoo appears out of nowhere, pounces over Rhombulus and puts a magical knife around his neck]

Hekapoo:

Well, maybe you should lower the fire’s temperature for next time, you knucklehead.

Rhombulus:

Hekapoo? What are you doing here?!

Hekapoo:

Oh you know, just paying a visit to an old friend to ask him a small favor.

Rhombulus:

Do I know him?

Hekapoo:

Ha-ha, very funny, now go grab your stuff cause you’ll take us to see Queen Eclipsa.

Rhombulus:

Us? What do you mean by “us”?

[Star appears from behind one of the fortress’ pillars]

Star:

Is he ready Hekapoo?

Rhombulus:

Princess Butterfly?! What’s the meaning of this?!

Hekapoo:

The less you know the better, trust me. Now do as we say and everything will be just fine, okay? OKAY?! 

Rhombulus:

[sweating] Okay, okay, I’ll do as you say...

[Cut to Rhombulus taking Star and Hekapoo to see Queen Eclipsa at the Crystal Dimension]

Star:

[sigh] How long till we get there?

Rhombulus:

We’re here.

[Rhombulus shows Star and Hekapoo the giant crystal block where Eclipsa is frozen]

Rhombulus:

Okay, this is Queen Eclipsa. Can I go now?

Star:

Wake her up...

Rhombulus:

What?! Are you serious?! Do you have any idea who Queen Eclipsa is?!

Hekapoo:

Do as she says, now! [points the knife at him]

Rhombulus:

Okay, okay, I’ll do it. Heaven forgive me...

[Rhombulus uses his powers to unfreeze Queen Eclipsa, but only from the shoulders up]

Queen Eclipsa:

[waking up] Huh? What happened? Why am I awake again?

Star:

[making a reverence] Queen Eclipsa, I came a long way to ask you very important favor...

Queen Eclipsa:

Wait a minute: Moon, is that you? What happened? I thought that spell I gave you to defeat Toffee was enough to take him down, maybe you just mixed up the words...

Star:

[standing up] I’m not Moon Butterfly your highness. I’m her daughter Star Butterfly, and right now I need your help.

Queen Eclipsa:

Let me guess: You’re here because you need to know a particular spell that only I know, don’t you?

Star:

How did you guess?

Queen Eclipsa:

It’s the only reason people have woke up lately, believe it or not.

Star:

So, can you help me?

Queen Eclipsa:

Mmmm… Can you bring me a chocolate bar from that vending machine over there?

Star:

What?!

Queen Eclipsa:

I’m sorry, but I make my decisions better on a full stomach, I hope you don’t mind.

[Star looks at Hekapoo for a moment]

Hekapoo:

[sigh] Don’t worry, I’ll get the bar...

[Hekapoo goes to the vending machine and gets a chocolate bar, then she gives it to Eclipsa]

Queen Eclipsa:

[tasting the bar] Oh, but is is a lemon bar. I wanted the cherry flavoured one.

[Hekapoo starts grinding her teeth as she goes once again to the vending machine to get a cherry flavoured bar, but this time the bar gets stuck inside]

Hekapoo:

[getting angry] SON OF A… [punches the machine, breaks it and gets the bar, then she gives it to Eclipsa] Here’s your stupid bar.

Queen Eclipsa:

[tasting the bar] Ah, that’s better… [eats the whole bar]

Star:

So, can you help me now?

Queen Eclipsa:

Okay, tell me what you want to know.

Star:

Phew! finally… I need you to tell me how to travel through dimensional realms.

Queen Eclipsa & Rhombulus:

DIMENSIONAL REALMS?!

Rhombulus:

[to Hekapoo] Hekapoo, did you tell her about the realms?! that’s against the royal code.

Hekapoo:

Shut up...

Queen Eclipsa:

[to Star] Listen kid, I don’t think you understand the sheer magnitude of your request. Realm travelling is a life-changing experience that can really mess up your mind, and honestly: I don’t wanna take the blame for contribute on your own self-destruction. Please try to understand me.

Star:

But, you’re the only one who knows the spell to do it. Look: this is not about me being morbidly curious or anything like that, I need to know because the love of my life was absorbed by a giant spiral of magic that took him away to another realm and I want to get him back, please...

Queen Eclipsa:

And how did you know he was absorbed into another realm?

Hekapoo:

Because it was absorbed along with the Espercrystal.

Queen Eclipsa:

The Espercrystal?! Oh God, not again...

Star:

Did you know about the Espercrystal?

Queen Eclipsa:

Yes I do, and let me give you some advice: If you do this, I swear to God you’ll regret every single second of your entire existence, so be smart and stay out of the realms.

Star:

But you don’t understand… [gets on her knees] the thing is: I’m pregnant with this boy’s child, I found it out just a few weeks before he disappeared, but I couldn’t tell him in time… and who knows? maybe if I had told him about my baby, he wouldn’t sacrifice himself to save us from that evil crystal and its evil powers, so every time I think about him, I see myself carrying the weight of his loss for the rest of my life, so please… just give me this opportunity, that’s all I ask for.

Queen Eclipsa:

[sniffing] Oh, that is just so sad… but life’s a bitch kid, you’ll just have to learn to live with it.

Star:

Oh, come on!!! I’ll do anything you want me to do… [makes a puppy face] Pleeease...

Queen Eclipsa:

[moved] Aw, I hate when they make that face. Okay, I’ll tell you what you want to know.

Star:

[standing up] Hooray!

Queen Eclipsa:

However… I want something in return.

Star:

Oh, you want more chocolate bars? No problem, I’ll just take these bars left over here and...

Queen Eclipsa:

I’m not talking about chocolate bars. What I want in return… is to be free.

Hekapoo & Rhombulus:

WHAT?!!!

Queen Eclipsa:

That’s right: no freedom, no secret. Simple as that.

Rhombulus:

Forget about it Eclipsa, princess Butterfly will never agree to set free someone as dangerous as…

[Star grabs Rhombulus arm and uses it to unfreeze Eclipsa’s entire body]

Rhombulus:

Hey, that’s my arm!

Queen Eclipsa:

[giving Star a pat on the head] Now, that’s a good girl, and because I’m a woman of my word, I’ll tell you the secret you want to know...

[Eclipsa whispers the secret on Star’s ear. Star simply gasps as she hears it]

Queen Eclipsa:

And that’s basically all you need to know. Now, If you excuse me: I have some unfinished business I have to attend, so… arrivederci… [flies away]

Rhombulus:

[following her] Hey, get back here… [leaves the scene]

Hekapoo:

So... what did she tell you? Star?

[Star stares into space for a few seconds, then she looks at Hekapoo]

Star:

The wand. We gotta get it back.

MARCO VS. THE FORCES OF LOVE - EPISODE 18: WAKING ECLIPSA

[paranoid-rhythm]

Translation: Joker Game Drama CD A Parody Box Full of What-Ifs Part 1

And… I’m now back to shit post in this fandom. T

This is the latest and last (for now, I guess?) drama CD… and… yeah

I cannot even--… it’s just… is this even still Joker Game???

Are people still even reading this? Do you even still need translations for this?! Sorry I’m just jsdfjkasdfas because I lost the file for this twice, thanks to power interruptions

 Warning: My fingers fell off while translating this, it’s 4825 words of pure crack. Seriously. I don’t know anymore. Also, seriously, don’t repost on other sites. Just link back to this post. orz

Will be updated once I finish with the other tracks.

Translation under the cut! Have fun, don’t read this in public or while eating. Or drinking. 

Part 2 - 第2話「Zoo Parody~ What If Sakuma-san Became a Zookeeper~」 Part 3 - 第3話「Restaurant Parody~ What If Sakuma-san Is The Part-timers’ Leader~」

第1話「RPG Parody~ What If Sakuma-san Became A Hero~」

Sakuma: Drama CD, Joker Game

Miyoshi: A Parody Box Full of What-Ifs

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Sakuma: Born on a small town in the island nation of Japan, who for the sake of the world and for the sake of the people, continued to travel, I am the hero Sakuma. After arriving in a certain country, a rumor reached my ears. It seems like the Demon King living on the eastern forest has been kidnapping people one after the other and turning them into his servants. I cannot stand to let this continue, that’s why I promise that with my own two hands, I will defeat the Demon King and bring back the people who were kidnapped! Together with the sorcerer, Miyoshi and the sage Jitsui, we aim for the forest where the Demon King lives!

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*Sakuma fighting with slimes*

Sakuma: One after the other, this doesn’t end!

Miyoshi: You’ve been collecting a lot of that grass, what are you going to use it for?

Jitsui: If I dry and then crush them, they’ll be great to replenish MP with. They’re different than the ones being sold at the town, since they can replenish up to the maximum MP in one go.

Miyoshi: Heh, that’s the first I’ve heard of that.

Jitsui: Though, they’re bitter to the point of making one throw up.

Miyoshi: They do say that the best medicine are the bitter ones. Oh, ants!

Jitsui: Seeing ants march like that, aren’t they kind of cute?

Miyoshi: Oh, have you finished?

Jitsui: Thanks for your hard work!

Sakuma: Help me a little, why don’t you?!

Miyoshi: We were having an important conversation about ants.

Sakuma: What’s so important about that conversation?!

Jitsui: Fighting those slimes took a longer time than expected of you, Sakuma-san. I don’t think they’re strong enemies though…

Sakuma: One by one, they’re weak but there’s just too much of them! Not to mention that slimes can replicate themselves, so their numbers just increase! That’s why I’m telling you that fighting them with all of three of us together is the way to go!

Miyoshi: I’ll gladly help fight with anything but slimes. To be honest, I really hate how they’re so squishy.

Sakuma: So it’s just a matter of you being fussy!? You fight with magic anyway, so it’s not like you’re going to touch them directly, so it doesn’t matter!

Miyoshi: It does matter, though I don’t think Sakuma-san would be able to understand it. It’s about how I feel.

Sakuma: Grr… Jitsui!

Jitsui: I’m sorry, but it’s not in my job title to fight, so…

Miyoshi: I remember you shoulder-throwing a bear-like monster the other day…

Jitsui: It was just a one-time spurt of power on the battle field.

Sakuma: Didn’t you also beat those bandits within an inch of their lives, because they mistook you for a girl and tried to take you away?!

Jitsui: It was because someone grabbed my arm suddenly, I got scared, so I unconsciously did it…

Sakuma: Haaaah, seriously! This is why my sword gets beat up fast! At this rate, if I didn’t get this repaired at the next town--…

Miyoshi: Then why don’t you buy new equipment?

Sakuma: It’s because you guys keep on buying expensive food and books, wasting our money carelessly that we’re running out of money! Look! Even my equipment is still the ones from when I went out of my village!

Jitsui: It’s amazing how you reached level 30 with those beginner’s equipment!

Miyoshi: It really something amazing, isn’t it?

Sakuma: You guys! I’m telling you--…

Miyoshi: Can’t you save your scolding for later and let’s get out of this place?

Sakuma: Huh? W-why?!

Jitsui: A slime escaped earlier, so thinking about how they act, it’s highly likely that a boss monster would appear soon--…

Sakuma: W-wha--… what--…

Jitsui: Oops, a little too late, I think?

Sakuma: Aaah…. SAY THAT EARLIER!!!

Miyoshi: How disgusting.

Sakuma: Is now the time to be saying that?! Jitsui! Can’t you do something about this guy?!

Jitsui: I don’t think its size would add to anything but, I do worry about Sakuma-san’s beat up--… I mean, dated sword…

Sakuma: Well, I’m sorry that it’s beat up! This is bad, get back--…?!

Miyoshi: Please duck.

*Miyoshi casts a fire spell*

Sakuma: HOT! SO HOT!

Miyoshi: As you suggested earlier, I helped out.

Jitsui: Ooh! That was a wonderful flame magic!

Sakuma: Couldn’t you have warned me before casting a spell?!

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Sakuma: Before moving on with the story, I’ll introduce my two companions. The first is the sorcerer, Miyoshi.

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Miyoshi: Are you telling me that all three of us would share a room again tonight?

Jitsui: Well, it can’t be helped, we are poor after all.

Miyoshi: *sighs*

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Sakuma: A sorcerer class. Though I’ve been traveling with him for quite some time now, his identity is still a mystery to me. He has high confidence in his skill as a sorcerer and it’s not an exaggeration when he says that there is no magic that he cannot use. But even so, he keeps on making excuses not to fight, so it’s becoming a burden.

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Jitsui: Oh yeah, there were a lot of interesting books in the used books shop I went to earlier. There were even texts in languages that I haven’t seen before!

Miyoshi: Buying that much, wouldn’t they just be in the way?

Jitsui: It’s alright, I can remember everything once I read it, so I can just leave the ones I’ve finished reading at the inn.

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Sakuma: Jitsui, a sage class. He’s read a countless amount of books, and with the incredible amount of knowledge that he’s gathered, he’s like a walking library. He’s also a prodigy in planning and medicine, he can make efficient medicine. Though he looks weak, the truth is, he’s even stronger than even me and Miyoshi.

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Sakuma: *sighs*

Miyoshi: You’ve been sighing quite a lot. Did the burns you got from earlier still hurt?

Jitsui: Should we apply some more burn ointment? They’ll sting quite a lot though~

Sakuma: No, that’s not it! And there’s no need for the medicine! We’re low on funds! After paying for our lodging and weapon repair earlier, there’s not much left. If this continues, not only that we won’t even be able to eat nor pay for lodging the next time, we can’t even continue our journey!

Jitsui: Then, should we give up on defeating the Demon King?

Miyoshi: Though, there’s nothing more uncool than giving up due to that reason.

Sakuma: As if I could just throw this out the window half way! Aaargh!

Miyoshi: I don’t think there’s a reason to be so worked up about that. If we don’t have money, then it’s just the simple matter of making some! Monsters come out of the woodwork anyway, even if you just walk through the grasslands.

Sakuma: Even if you say that, with my equipment being tattered, I can only fight low level monsters! And no matter how many I fight, as long as they’re weak monsters, I can’t get much money! And without much money, I can’t replace my equipment!

Jitsui: It’s truly, a vicious cycle, isn’t it?

Sakuma: Arrgh! This is no good! What should I do?!

Jitsui: Then, what about taking on a quest?

Sakuma: A quest…? That’s right, we did that last time! Not only it would help people, we could also earn money from it! That’s truly a good idea!

Miyoshi: Things like weeding a garden or walking a dog?

Jitsui: It seems like Sakuma-san just gets ripped off on his quests, doesn’t he?

Miyoshi: It’s fine to be picky with jobs, you know, Mr. Hero?

Sakuma: I-it’s fine! Helping people out in need is the correct path for a hero! I’m not doing anything wrong!

Miyoshi: Being a stuck up hero like that is no good though. Blindly accepting requests like that would just be like fighting with the weak monsters, you won’t be able to make much money.

Jitsui: If that’s so, then why don’t we take up a bodyguard job? I think that would pay higher!

Sakuma: It’s true that it would’ve paid higher but because Miyoshi said something rude the last time, we were fired right in the middle of the job!

Miyoshi: I was just telling the truth that time.

Sakuma: Besides! The reason that we have no money is you guys! Just as I say that we need to save up, you guys keep on buying completely unnecessary items!

Miyoshi: If we don’t get picky with our food, then we’re no different than cattle.

Jitsui: Books are treasures after all~

Sakuma: I’ve grown tired of those excuses!

Shiozuka (Fukumoto using his Shiozuka voice): Thanks for waiting! Here’s your smoked salmon terrine, red chicken soup with grilled croutons and, tomato and ricotta cheese pasta!

Sakuma: Let’s put our discussion about our money for another time and just eat for now.

Jitsui: I agree!

Shizuoka: Excuse me…

Sakuma: Huh? Is something the matter?

Shizuoka: I didn’t mean to eavesdrop but… are you perchance, looking for a quest?

Sakuma: Ah--… eh… yeah…

Shizuoka: Ah, that’s great! Actually, there’s something that I’d like you to help out with, would you listen to my story?

Sakuma: If you’re fine with us, then please, by all means!

Shizuoka: Thank you very much! The truth is, around these parts, a robber has been appearing on the back mountains…

Sakuma: A robber?

Shizuoka: This is the first time it’s happened and it’s been affecting the peace of our town and while thinking out of countermeasures against the robber, the damages just incur! We’ve actually thought of going to the council to ask for help! The reward is 1 million gold, so if it’s alright with you…

Sakuma: 1 million?!

Jitsui: Just for the task of apprehending the robber, isn’t that amount a bit too big? Is it a big syndicate after all?

Shizuoka: No, I heard that it’s just one guy… as I said earlier, it’s the first time that this happened, so we’re at a loss on what to do…

Miyoshi: What would you do, Sakuma-san?

Sakuma: I understand, we’ll accept the request!

Shizuoka: Really?!

Sakuma: Yes! Early tomorrow morning, we’ll be heading out to the back mountains!

Fukumoto: That’s really a big help, thank you very much! Then, I leave it to your hands!

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Miyoshi: Are you sure about this, since it’s a confidential agreement?

Sakuma: Well, it can’t be helped since they’re troubled! Besides, this would help us too, so there’s nothing to lose!

Jitsui: If we had 1 million, then you can buy new equipment all at once!

Sakuma: Yeah! I can finally change into equipment suited for my level! Finally, we have a hope of defeating the Demon King!

Miyoshi: Sakuma-san, why do you think that the Demon King is evil?

Sakuma: Hm? What do you mean?

Miyoshi: Nothing, I just wanted to say that if you change your position and viewpoint of things, your view of what’s good and evil would also change.

Sakuma: Huh…?

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Sakuma: Isn’t this trail just for animals?! O-ow!

Miyoshi: If you’re going to fall down, please fall down by yourself.

Sakuma: Don’t you have care for your companions?! Huh? What’s this? Why are my eyes tingling…?

Jitsui: Sakuma-san, your status is “poisoned” right now, maybe you were poisoned by a plant around here.

Miyoshi: *sighs* *heals Sakuma*

Sakuma: Ah, that feels better! Miyoshi, did you heal me?

Miyoshi: If you’re careless like that, your status would be affected and that’s troublesome. Even Jitsui’s potions have a limit.

Sakuma: Hm?

Jitsui: Someone’s coming…

Shimano (Hatano using his Shimano voice): Excuse me… I think I’ve lost my way, do you know the path where I can go down the mountain?

Sakuma: Ah! Just go straight on this path and you’ll eventually reach the town! We’ve also just come from town, so I think you won’t get lost if you follow our footsteps.

Shimano: Thank you very much--…!! *trips, lands on Sakuma*

Sakuma: Are you alright?!

Shimano: I’m sorry, thanks! This mountain trail is just so hard to walk on…

Sakuma: Ah, I get you! I myself tripped earlier!

Miyoshi: Tricking people like that, how disgusting.

Sakuma: Hm? Did you say something, Miyoshi?

Jitsui: Sakuma-san, please check your wallet.

Sakuma: Wallet? Huh?! Huh?! Huh?! It’s not here!?

Miyoshi: Wearing round glasses and a hat, why don’t you quit that cliché disguise?

Hatano: Aaah, ah~ I’ve picked a troublesome one!

Sakuma: Wha--...?!

Hatano: And here I thought that I’ll let you all go with just the blockheaded hero’s wallet! Since I’ve been found out, I’ll be taking everything you have that’s of value!

Sakuma: So you are the robber?!

Hatano: How slow!

Miyoshi: Our here hero is a simpleton--… I mean, pure.

Jitsui: The word “distrust” does not exist in his brain.

Hatano: No matter you word it, that is so not a compliment!

Sakuma: Living as a robber, why don’t you change your lifestyle instead?! Tricking and robbing people, if your parents knew of this, they’ll be sad!

Hatano: I’d rather you not scold me here right now...

Sakuma: Besides, it’s pointless even if you try to rob us now! Because everything we own is in that wallet!

Hatano: E-everything you say?! Let’s see… 300… 325 gold?!

Jitsui: Huh? That’s less than what we counted this morning…

Miyoshi: I bought milk tea earlier.

Sakuma: Miyoshi! Didn’t I tell you to control yourself!?

Hatano: You gotta be kidding me, right?! 300 isn’t even enough as picnic allowance! Hah! It’s a miracle that you’ve come this far being that poor!

Sakuma: Heh! If we capture you during this mission, we’ll get a reward of 1 million gold, and we’ll make do with that!

Hatano: And you even had the nerve to declare that proudly?!

Sakuma: Enough of this chitchat, it’s time to battle! I’ll be the one to face you!

Hatano: Uwah! What the hell is with that sword?! Isn’t that a beginner’s equipment?!

Miyoshi: He looks surprised…

Sakuma: Are you overwhelmed?!

Jitsui: He probably is overwhelmed… by how old your equipment are.

Sakuma: What’s wrong?! Aren’t you gonna attack?!

Hatano: Yeah… I mean, I didn’t expect that the hero would be such an utter failure, so I’m wondering how to report this to the Demon King--… AHH!!

Miyoshi: Demon King, huh…

Jitsui: I see. So you’re an underling of the Demon King, huh?

Hatano: Ah–… no! What I said just now was just an expression–…!!

Sakuma: Capture him–…!

*Miyoshi casts a spell without warning*

Sakuma: MIYOSHI!

Hatano: Cold!

Sakuma: DIDN’T I TELL YOU TO WARN US BEFORE CASTING A SPELL?! YOU’VE EVEN GOTTEN ME CAUGHT UP!

Miyoshi: You mean like shouting the spell’s name beforehand? So uncool.

Jitsui: Let’s tie him up with this rope!

Sakuma: Where did you get that from?!

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Sakuma: Now! Tell us everything that you know about the Demon King!

Hatano: I don’t know much…

Miyoshi: Heeh…

Hatano: I’m telling you the truth!

Sakuma: It’s pointless even if you lie!

Hatano: All I know is that to enter the castle where the Demon King lives, you’ll need a key.

Sakuma: A key?

Hatano: That key seems to be in the possession of a man named Gordon. If you ask the people in the town beyond this mountain, you’ll immediately be able to find the mansion where he lives.

Jitsui: I see. Then, what should we do?

Miyoshi: Do we report and bring this guy back for the meantime?

Shizuoka: Perfect timing!

Sakuma: The one from the restaurant--…

Shizuoka: You guys were taking so long, I got worried so I went to check on you! Really, thanks for capturing the robber! I knew I wasn’t mistaken in choosing you!

Sakuma: It’s nothing, we’re happy that we were able to help! About this guy…

Shizuoka: I’ve called some guys over, so we’ll take care of the rest! Oh, I almost forgot! Here, the payment, please accept it!

Sakuma: Thank you very much!

Shizuoka: Why don’t you stay in our town tonight as well? I’ll treat you guys!

Sakuma: We’re in a hurry, so we appreciate the thought.

Shizuoka: Is that so? Then, thank you very much and please be careful on your way!

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Fukumoto: Why are you drenched?

Hatano: I suddenly got hit by water magic! Hey, hurry up and cut the rope! Finally! I told them about the location of the key, but are you sure that guy is okay?

Fukumoto: If the Demon King said so, then we have no reason to doubt.

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Gordon: That’s what I’m telling you! There’s nothing here!

Sakuma: If there’s nothing, then it wouldn’t bother you even if we searched!

Gordon: If you want to search a person’s house, then provide a solid evidence! Just saying that I’m connected to the Demon King without any proof is unacceptable!

Sakuma: W-what he said is right…

Gordon: I’m a busy person, so please leave already!

Miyoshi: Please don’t get so worked up. It seems that you’re very interested in the culture of the country, Japan…

Gordon: H-how did you--…?!

Jitsui: Well, the people told us when we were asking about the whereabouts of this mansion, since this is the only mansion in this small town. Also, we heard the rumors that the master of the house also does not show himself frequently.

Miyoshi: Things like, he has his prided collection inside his mansion, or that he’s intent on collecting money for his hobbies, or how he always has something delivered via mail order to his house almost daily.

Gordon: M-my personal information is being leaked!

Miyoshi: Well, we don’t know what’s true or not but, if you’re really that interested in Japanese culture, then I have good news for you.

Gordon: Huh?

Miyoshi: Our hero here is from your beloved country, Japan. If you let us search your mansion and we found nothing, then... we’ll have the hero would perform hara-kiri.

Sakuma: Wai--… huh?!

Jitsui: Oh, seppuku?!

Gordon: That’s interesting! Why not then!

Sakuma: Wait one moment! That’s not good for me!

Gordon: Even I who has collected a lot about the Japanese culture, has not witnessed a hara-kiri! If you’re saying that much, then I allow you to search my mansion! But, I’ll be looking forward as to when you don’t find anything!

Sakuma: Eh?! H-hey Miyoshi?! What are you saying so selfishly?!

Miyoshi: I had no choice. If I didn’t say that, then we wouldn’t be able to search.

Sakuma: You’d better have an idea where the key is!

Miyoshi: Who knows~

Sakuma: W-what do you mean “who knows”?!

Jitsui: Sakuma-san, please calm down. It’s most likely no coincidence that we’re standing here now. This probably, is something instigated by the Demon King. If you think about it, that quest earlier is unnatural. It’s highly likely that the restaurant owner and that robber worked together to get us here. If you think about it that way, it all adds up.

Sakuma: What?!

Miyoshi: Seeing that the hero’s arrival is very late, maybe the Demon King was worried.

Sakuma: Why would a hero worry the Demon King…?

Jitsui: Well, since this is the path that the Demon King set out for us, then there must be something in here. At least that much I can affirm.

Sakuma: J-Jitsui!

Jitsui: But, in case there really is nothing, then, it’s all in your hands~

Gordon: Now, what are you going to do?

Sakuma: Fine!

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Sakuma: After that, entering and searching all possible places inside Gordon’s mansion, we didn’t find the key.

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Gordon: How is it going~ have you found it~?

Sakuma: No, not yet!

Miyoshi: Sakuma-san, there’s something in the bedroom that caught my eye.

Sakuma: Something?

Miyoshi: There seems to be a mark on the wall beside the bookshelf inside the bedroom. Most likely, there’s a hidden room behind that bookshelf.

Sakuma: Excuse me, but may we move the bookshelf inside the bedroom?

Gordon: N-no! T-that’s--…!!

Sakuma: You were the one who said that we can search anywhere we like. So you won’t mind even if we moved it, right?

Gordon: Urk--…!

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Sakuma: W-what is this room full stuff?!

Jitsui: Oooh! It’s all Japanese otaku culture, isn’t it?

Sakuma: Not only the all the walls, but also the ceiling has posters tacked on it!

Miyoshi: With this number of figures, I wonder how much money all of this is worth~

Gordon: D-don’t be mistaken! I just gathered all these for examining Japanese culture!

Jitsui: Enough for mail order every day?

Miyoshi: How passionate~

Gordon: A-as I said! This is for investigating Japanese culture! It’s not my hobby--…

Miyoshi: If it isn’t, then it’ll be alright if I burned this pillow?

Gordon: STOP IT! DON’T TOUCH THAT! THAT’S A SPECIAL PREMIUM ITEM THAT ONE CAN ONLY GET VIA LOTTERY, ONLY FIVE OF THOSE WERE EVER RELEASED!

Jitsui: You’re pretty fired up, I thought this was just for investigation?

Gordon: S-sorry, I got carried away…

Sakuma: This room is full of faces, I can’t calm down. But even so, this is impressive. Especially this doll, it’s almost life-like.

Gordon: Urk--…!!

Jitsui: That’s what’s called a life sized figure, isn’t it? Basing on its size, this one is easily worth 1 million gold!

Sakuma: 1 mill--… that’s the same price I needed to upgrade my equipment!

Gordon: Aaargh!

Miyoshi: I see.

Sakuma: A-anyway! It’s not good to stay in this room for long! Let’s search the other rooms again!

Miyoshi: “Not meant to be touched”… don’t you think that it’s perfect to hide the key in such a place?

Sakuma: Not meant to be touched…? Are you talking about something in this room?

Miyoshi: Like hiding it inside clothes… it’s a well-known strategy even.

Gordon: UWAAAAH!

Sakuma:  Clothes? N-no… no way!

Miyoshi: Why don’t you check? It’s just a doll after all.

Jitsui: That’s true. No matter how rough you do it, it’s just a doll after all~

Sakuma: F-fine, I get it! Well then, please excuse my rudeness!

Gordon: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

ｘｘｘｘｘｘｘｘｘｘｘｘｘｘｘｘｘｘｘｘｘｘｘ

Jitsui: Isn’t that great? We got the key to the castle without much incident!

Miyoshi: Are you alright, Sakuma-san?

Sakuma: I think I suffered a sizable amount of mental damage…

Jitsui: Unfortunately, there’s no cure for that even with medicine or magic~! Besides, there’s nothing to worry about! You only just thrust your hand inside a doll’s--…

Sakuma: STOP! DON’T SAY ANY MORE! I--… JUST WHAT DID I DO TO A LADY’S BODY?! I REALLY SHOULD COMMIT SEPPUKU!

Miyoshi: Making such a fuss about it, it was just a doll anyway.

Jitsui: At least, we’ve found the key and completed our quest and thanks to that, we also have money! You should upgrade your equipment and we should head off to the Demon King’s castle!

Sakuma: That’s right… I shouldn’t be disheartened here!

ｘｘｘｘｘｘｘｘｘｘｘｘｘｘｘｘｘｘｘｘｘｘｘ

ｘｘｘｘｘｘｘｘｘｘｘｘｘｘｘｘｘｘｘｘｘｘｘ

Sakuma: Upgrading our equipment to ones that would be powerful enough to take the Demon King down, us the hero party marched on to the deep, dark Eastern Forest where the Demon King’s castle lies. And as last, we’ve reached the Demon King’s castle.

ｘｘｘｘｘｘｘｘｘｘｘｘｘｘｘｘｘｘｘｘｘｘｘ

Sakuma: No matter what I do, it won’t open…

Miyoshi: Isn’t it time for the key we got in Gordon’s mansion to debut?

Jitsui: Let’s try using it!

Sakuma: Yeah.

*Heavy doors creaking open*

Sakuma: Hmm… it’s so dark, I can’t see anything.

Jitsui: Miyoshi-san, what about your magic?

Miyoshi: The barrier is keeping me from using it, so, impossible.

*Lights open one by one*

Sakuma: T-the lights in the dining area are--…

Demon King: Took you a long time.

Sakuma: So you’re the Demon King?!

Demon King: Heh.

Sakuma: I know that you’ve been kidnapping innocent people and making them into your underlings! I’ll have you return all the people that you’ve taken!

Demon King: If you’re talking about returning, then I’ll have you return what’s mine first.

Sakuma: Huh?!

Miyoshi: Hm.

Sakuma: Huh?! M-Miyoshi?!

Miyoshi: We are, after all from this side all along.

Sakuma: “We”?!

Jitsui: I’m sorry, Sakuma-san. It was fun until now!

Sakuma: Ji... Jitsui?! N-no way… you two being my companions, it was planned all along from the start?!

Demon King: It seems that you’re misunderstanding something. Not once have I ever forced humans to come to my side.

Sakuma: Are you saying that they chose to go to you on their own?! You bastard--… no, you bastards!! Just what are you planning?!

Demon King: In order for demons to live alongside humans, there needs to be adequate information about both sides. If both has enough information, then pointless fighting can be avoided. It is for that reason that they are collecting information.

Sakuma: Placing spies within the humans, such cowardly--…!!

Demon King: Spies are cowards?

Sakuma: Of course they are cowards!

Demon King: They are spying so that both sides can coexist peacefully, if you think that’s evil, then be my guest. I have led you here in hopes to help our cause. How about it, do you have any interest in joining us?

Sakuma: W-what?!

ｘｘｘｘｘｘｘｘｘｘｘｘｘｘｘｘｘｘｘｘｘｘｘ

Miyoshi: …I just wanted to say that if you change your position and viewpoint of things, your view of what’s good and evil would also change.

ｘｘｘｘｘｘｘｘｘｘｘｘｘｘｘｘｘｘｘｘｘｘｘ

Miyoshi: We’d love to welcome you on our side, Sakuma-san.

Jitsui: As much as possible, I’d rather not make you our enemy.

Demon King: Heh.

ｘｘｘｘｘｘｘｘｘｘｘｘｘｘｘｘｘｘｘｘｘｘｘ

Sakuma: After going this far and reaching the Demon King’s castle, I’ve unexpectedly, been betrayed. But now that I’ve known the Demon King’s true intention, my heart is wavering.

I--… I--…!!

To be continued...???

TN:  Thank you for reading this far, I appreciate it. Srsly if they don’t continue this, I’ll be murdering people--...

[kateemmerson]

Dear Realtors - 10 ways home owners mess with the sale (and your mojo).

Realtors – Understand 10 ways your sellers unconsciously sabotage the speedy SALE of their home (plus mess with your income & reputation)

  92% of people are guilty of number 1, but NO-ONE talks about it and I am here to change that!

Dear Realtors – you have my deepest sympathy!

Selling all your client’s homes -Yuck or Yah? Or a bit of both? Everyone knows that selling a home elicits dread, anxiety and heightened stress for the seller and the buyer. But what about you and your pivotal role?  Don’t your client’s drive you nuts sometimes, or the current market place and trends that seem top make everything that much tougher for you to get the deals through?

If you are taking the time to read this, then I understand and respect that….

You have been in the business for a long time

Are brilliant at what you do

Always super duper professional

Engaging, generous with your time and go the extra mile

Passionate about people, families and homes

Have a great eye for what works and doesn’t……

… and yet still you feel like you are wading through sludgy mud. You are fast having to adjust to ever-changing market trends and the fact that more and more sellers believe they can handle the transactions on their own (yeah right!).

Everyone is trying to undercut your commission and you probably aren’t having as much fun in this industry anymore? You even think about getting out and doing something less “uphill” or stressful pretty soon. But, you also just LOVE this industry and it runs in your blood. And ….sometimes your blood boils when your sellers just won’t listen darn it, refuse to heed your advice or uphold their end of the bargain to get ready for show day or viewings of their property. Aaargh!!!

There is only so much responsibility you can take – the rest is up to them, isn’t it? On top of the painful sales and lodging of documents process, you also know all the other stressful stuff your clients dread in anticipation – which often means you are not their favorite person in the transaction.

It’s easy for them to mutter about when you want to view the house, or canceling viewings at the last minute when their child is sick, or another emergency arises. Or they complain about your commission, the photos aren’t right or you aren’t bringing enough people through to view. It’s always YOUR fault isn’t it?

So how do you find a way to approach this all with a new edge?

To stand out in the sea of sameness in the industry?

To be the REALTOR to offer something totally different with a uniquely compassionate angle?

A way for you to honestly help your clients help themselves and get on board? (P.S. HOME-OWNERS – If you are a homeowner about to sell and reading this, then you would be better off reading THIS ARTICLE WRITTEN JUST FOR YOU)

For them to ultimately get what they want with more ease and grace?

To enjoy a smoother viewing process, offers to purchase and ultimately the speedier sale of their home?

To offer them a way to handle and process all the stress of the sale and move in their hearts and lives?

A way for you all to feel invigorated about the process of selling and moving again?

I’m Kate Emmerson, the Quick Shift Deva, and I am hell-bent on supporting realtors and home sellers in today’s stressful times. Helping realtors to shift your vooma back into showcasing and selling homes and doing what you love, and letting me help you handle your clients and their hearts, minds and homes.

To help you offer your clients a unique way that has never been spoken about until now – one in which they willingly step up and take more responsibility for getting 100% ready to sell.

That’s my forte- speaking directly through you, to your seller. Coaching, cajoling, nudging and providing practical solutions to shift the sale of their home with grace, speed and ease. Helping them process the angst, stress, to de-clutter, pre- pack, handle inevitable show days/viewings, and ultimately being fully ready to make this move.

So whether your sellers are moving because it’s aspirational and they really want to, or because they somehow feel forced to, they still have a way of embracing the process. To feel way less stressed, more in control, at peace and actually excited about uprooting life, heart and home when selling this time around. To be able to embrace this dreaded process with a lightness of expectation of what’s unfolding.

This is such a potentially powerful and pivotal time in their lives– one that is usually their worst nightmare that fills them with angst and stress. Yet, it can be done with grace, ease and speed through the transition.

Can you imagine shifting the status quo and being able to say how much you LOVE dealing with your clients again?

How you feel more connected to them yet not taken for granted?

How you have discovered a way to make the selling process effortless and life-changing for them?

As an expert in letting go and moving on, I’ve spent 16 years researching home-owners and working in their homes, understanding what keeps them deeply stuck at the internal, psychological level. Holding on for dear life, not budging on ideas or price. When your client feels truly ready to move on, from the inside out, that particular home will sell with lightning speed. And I promise you that my process is down to earth, practical and simple to implement. Clients refer to my style as compassion with a kick!

You know you want me on your team!

I challenge you to have an open mind as you keep reading…

For most home sellers, the notion of getting their home ready to firstly invite you, the realtor, and then let total strangers trudge unceremoniously through their space, opening all the cupboards (oh yes, you know this is true!), deciding if this space suits their taste and budget can elicit feelings of terror and panic, even in the most resilient of folk. There’s always a heady mixture of emotions contemplating selling a home, aren’t there? It’s debilitating and overwhelming. Life is already busy and stressful enough, and this is just a huge added burden on their plate and they hold you responsible for it going smoothly. After all, what are they paying you for?

All sorts of things come into play for them.

How will they pack up everything?

Do they even want to use you, as their realtor if they don’t “have” to?

Are they making the right decision and do they have clarity about what they want?

Who do they trust to move their worldly possessions?

Will doggie Rufus adjust to the new house?

Will grandpa be ok in the new home?

How will they ever get their home show-day ready with all their current obligations?

Gasp – what about that hideous overflowing garage and shed they never got around to clearing out. It’s downright embarrassing and now they are thinking of having you walk through their space!

Will they ever find a beautiful new space that feels like home again?

Will their worldly possessions ever fit into that new space?

While it’s true they have to dig deep to face the above, and most people hate it, what if there is something far more critical that is the real sabotage to them selling their home? It all starts with what’s going on inside, and you can be the one to introduce them to this novel idea.

If you are reading this article and wondering how your clients might be sabotaging the sale of their home, chances are they are in one of a few places right now!

Where do you find your CLIENTS fit right now?

A. Life is changing rapidly, and they are just contemplating selling their home. This would be a very exciting and aspirational move to upsize, downsize or life-size. But right now they might be unsure which route to take along with a mixture of dread and excitement. You might not even be on their radar yet!

B. They are unfortunately being ‘forced to sell’ their home (perhaps due to economic, death, health, divorce or relocating), and are both resisting and dreading everything about life right now it. It’s all too much to handle, it really shouldn’t be happening, they are in shock, and now they have to wrench themselves from their safe safe nest. It couldn’t get any worse. They might view all realtors as another vulture trying to take advantage of them….. or you could be really clever and position yourself as someone who truly understands and can support this awful time in their lives!

C. Their home is just not selling and has spent way too many DOM’s (Days on Market), but they really need this property to sell fast. Enough already! There have just been far too many people trudging through the doors, they are sick ‘n tired of you and no real offers to purchase are materializing. They are losing hope of ever selling, blame you as their realtor, feel frustrated, trapped, and can’t move forward. Horrible all round!

My guess is that you are a Realtor wanting to up your professional game and find unique ways to support your clients to sell faster and with more ease. You are interested in unique ways to help you do your job better – you’re brilliant at what you do, but know something is missing that’s outside your scope of expertise.

You’re confused why a perfect property is somehow not shifting on the market, or you know your client needs help to get a grip on making peace with their life, moving on and handling emotional and physical clutter. You are exhausted from everything being an uphill battle with your sellers and need a business boost.

  Here are Kate’s 10 ways your clients are unconsciously self-sabotaging the speedy SALE of their home!

  PART 1: LOOSEN THE EMOTIONAL GRIP

SAY ‘GOODBYE’ EARLY ON In my experience, over 92% of sellers fall into this trap, and it’s the first way they will sabotage the sale! It’s also the one no-one else out there talks about because it is considered too fluffy, too soft, too naff. But it will affect the speed, ease, and ultimately the financial aspect of the sale. This is the single most significant factor that your client is 100% in control of and the one to take the most seriously. They have to be ready in their heart and entirely at peace to welcome this move BEFORE you put the “For Sale” up! Take control early on and help them emotionally “detach” from the home and say goodbye to this era of their life with mindful intent. Emotional closure right upfront will bring acceptance and significantly reduce stress.

Most sellers wait till move day to get the emotions in check and wonder why it’s so unbearably stressful. This psychological, emotional, and mental shift is how Kate supports her clients (with life-changing practical exercises) at this pivotal time to ensure they do not sabotage the potential sale. They are energetically and emotionally embedded into every brick in their homes and they have to loosen this grip before they can move on. Homeowners don’t usually wonder about how their “energy” is embedded into every brick and mortar of their home. This is where they realized the dream of owning this home, perhaps had their first child, started a business, danced around the kitchen table after signing the big corporate deal, made love to their partner, and watched little Jamie take his first steps. It might also be a space signifying struggle, heartache and pain – and now they have to say goodbye. It’s all very complicated at a heart level and most folks don’t know how to approach this time and process. Kate shifts that in a jiffy.

PLEASE STOP CALLING IT ‘HOME’ Too many sellers sabotage the process and hold on with double doses of superglue! They intensify emotional attachment, heartache and stress, by continually referring to this space as ‘home.’Yes, of course, it has been their home, and you feel like you are honoring them by speaking kindly about their “home”, but one of the pivotal shifts to make is to help them consider from this moment onwards, that they are a custodian of this space and start thinking of the home as a house. The challenge is that from now on, every time you all speak about it or think about it (after you have done the emotional closure that Kate’s teaches), is to always use the term HOUSE instead of home! Better yet, think of it as a guesthouse always ready to welcome new guests. Keep the term home for the potential BUYER. You can catch Kate live on the radio sharing her passionate house selling tips to Shado Twala on SAFM

HELP THEM CATCH A WAKE-UP ABOUT WHAT’S LURKING Most sellers do a little tidy up around the house, thinking they will clear out properly when finally packing the boxes and move. Beep! Remind them that buyers will open cupboards, and more importantly, they will get a “feel” of the house. If it feels stuffy, cluttered and overfull, buyers will feel stifled in the space even if it is seemingly the perfect house for them on paper and budget-wise. The moment your client decides to sell, please get them stuck into de-cluttering every single inch of the space. They need to, as I like to refer to it,  Zap Your Kr@p – Not only will it make the house appear more spacious and light for the buyer, but means they will also not lug any “stuff” that no longer serves them into the next phase of life. A house move is an ideal time to purge at every level. Let go and live a little lighter, taking only that which you love, use and respect into your new home. If THE SELLER fills up too much of the house, there is no room for THE BUYER to breathe new life into this space. Tone down that bright cerise wall, get rid of 75% of the objects d’art and remove the 30 family photographs stuck on the wall! Buyers need to be able to envisage THEMSELVES living in this space.

  GRAB PART 2 (WITH HEAPS MORE TIPS AND IDEAS) OF THE ARTICLE ON THE NEXT PAGE BY CLICKING HERE, OR BETTER YET, JUST CLICK THE IMAGE BELOW TO DOWNLOAD THE ENTIRE E-BOOK AT ZERO COST

Dear Realtors – 10 ways home owners mess with the sale (and your mojo). was originally published on Kate Emmerson - The Quick Shift Deva

[cutepresea]

6-13 Innocent Sister: False Sisterhood

Sorry again for the spam.

If you want to blacklist these, you can use either the tag #innocent sister for just this event, or #xdu event scripts or #xdu scripts

Reminder that these are copied straight from XD Unlimited itself, so any grammatical weirdness, mistranslations, and/or mischaracterizations are not my doing.

Kirika Akatsuki: "Two of these things in a row?!"

Maria: "Another one of the offspring? And this one is absolutely out of control!"

Shirabe Tsukuyomi: "How frustrating..."

Serena: "This way, everyone! All of you, escape while we take care of the monster!"

Maria: "Having Noise spawn at random like this certainly is annoying, but I'd say it might work in our favor."

Kirika Akatsuki: "We'll start with the small fry, then work our way towards Nephilim!"

Shirabe Tsukuyomi: "Kiri-chan and I will cut our way in from the sides!"

Serena: "Sis and I will cover the front!"

Maria: "Yaaah!"

Serena: "Let's do this! Yaaah!"

Shirabe Tsukuyomi: "Let's flank it, Kiri-chan!"

Kirika Akatsuki: "Time to meet your maker, Nephilim!"

Maria: "That's another down! Those mini Nephilim don't stand a chance against the four of us!"

Serena: "The third's on its way, Sis!"

Kirika Akatsuki: "We've turned the tables on you now, Nephilim!"

Shirabe Tsukuyomi: "We take down this one, and there'll be no more offspring left!"

Maria: "Wait... Something's not right. It knows we're right in front of it, so why isn't it attacking?"

Nastassja: "We have an emergency! Nephilim is at the facility!"

Maria: "This was another diversion!"

Serena: "Mom!"

Maria: "But we can't let the mini Nephilim run wild! We'll just have to make this quick!"

Nastassja: "There are Nephilim in the town, too?! Damn you, Dr. Adolf!"

Nastassja: "Well, for the moment, at least, we can hold off Nephilim with our barrier wall."

Nastassja: "You all need to focus on minimizing damage to the town!"

Maria: "Are you sure, Mom? Mom?!"

Kirika Akatsuki: "Maria, you can leave this to us."

Shirabe Tsukuyomi: "You two go make sure Mom's all right."

Maria: "Just because they're the offspring doesn't mean just the two of you can--"

Kirika Akatsuki: "Maria, please..."

Shirabe Tsukuyomi: "Please trust us."

Maria: (...Of course I believe in you girls.... I can't let you two down! I have to save Mom!) [1]

Maria: "This area's all yours! Get back to the facility as soon as you're done!"

Kirika Akatsuki: "Roger that!"

Shirabe Tsukuyomi: "Got it!"

Maria: "I'll never get tired of seeing those smiles. Just leave Mom to us!"

Maria: "Let's hurry, Serena!"

Serena: "Right!"

Serena: (Mom... Please be safe.)

Kirika Akatsuki: "I haven't seen Maria smile like that in a while."

Shirabe Tsukuyomi: "Yeah. Now, we have a job to do!"

Kirika Akatsuki: "Right! Let's do this! Ignite Module!”

Shirabe Tskuyomi: "Drawn Blade!"

Kirika Akatsuki: "It may only be the two of us--"

Shirabe Tsukuyomi: "But our bond is stronger than all of our foes combined!"

Shirabe Tsukuyomi: "Maria believed in us..."

Kirika Akatsuki: "So now we have to show her she made the right decision!"

Shirabe Tsukuyomi: "I'll slow Nephilim down!"

Kirika Akatsuki: "And I'll slice off its head, nice and clean!"

Kirika Akatsuki: "W-We beat it... We beat it, Shirabe!"

Shirabe Tsukuyomi: "Pretty thoroughly, at that."

Kirika Akatsuki: "We'd better hurry over to the facility!"

Shirabe Tsukuyomi: "Right! Please be safe, Mom!"

Maria: "No... Don't tell me we were too late!"

Serena: "Sis, look over there! Mom's--"

Maria: "Mom!"

Nastassja: "Urgh... Maria, Serena. You came for me? Don't worry, I'm okay. More importantly, Nephilim's still--"

Maria: "I'm not letting you out of my sight! You need to rest."

Serena: "I'll go and check if the medical room is still okay!"

Dr. Adolph: "So, you're still alive? My, how improbable." [2]

Maria: "You!"

Dr. Adolph: "I think it's about time you started accepting reality. Now, I see Prof. Nastassja is looking worse for wear."

Dr. Adolph: "And here I thought her unbalanced diet was making her look pale recently, heheh..."

Nastassja: "So you still intend on feeding Nephilim more relics, Dr. Adolf?"

Nastassja: "Can't you see that Nephilim is beyond your control?!"

Dr. Adolph: "Now! Consume all the relics you can eat, my precious Nephilim!"

Serena: "We're going to keep you safe, Mom."

Dr. Adolph: "Fools, her life is of no concern to me. Though saying that, I can't say she didn't have her uses."

Dr. Adolph: "By keeping her alive... I was able to attract Nephilim's next meal."

Nastassja: "So you used me as bait?!"

Maria: "How much more despicable can you get?!"

Dr. Adolph: "Hah! If one's character really mattered, the world would be overflowing with saints."

Dr. Adolph: "Exploiting your fatigue, using you as bait... It was all to ensure I'd triumph. It's nothing personal."

Maria: "I have a hard time believing that!"

Serena: "Dr. Adolf... I can finally see you for who you really are."

Dr. Adolph: "Enough! Nephilim is nearing its final form, a form that shall crush all uncertainty! Now, flatten them!"

Maria: "This twisted obsession of yours ends now!"

Serena: "Aaah!"

Maria: "Serena!"

Serena: "Ngh... I'm okay..."

Maria: "Nephilim's tough, all right... But we're tougher!"

Dr. Adolph: "How are you still standing?! My calculations predict your Gear should be well past its breaking point!"

Maria: "Heh... You really think resilience is something you can measure with numbers?"

Dr. Adolph: "Grr... How can you rely on such uncertainty? Humans truly are abominable... Nephilim, what are you doing?!"

Dr. Adolph: "You must feed on more relics! Eliminate all uncertainty!"

Maria: "Are you okay, Serena?"

Serena: "Yeah. I have you by my side, after all."

Serena: "Nephilim doesn't frighten me anymore. Nothing's scary when you're with me!"

Serena: "So let's do this... Together!"

Maria: "You said it! Let's take this thing down!"

Maria: "Raaah!"

Serena: "Yaaaaaaaaah!"

Dr. Adolph: "Nephilim is truly suffering... Is it still not complete?! I have to hurry and..."

Dr. Adolph: "...Heh. Pffft, ahahaha! Well, would you look at that!"

Maria: "What's so funny?!"

Dr. Adolph: "It looks like my reinforcements arrived before yours did! How fortunate!"

Dr. Adolph: "And it's all thanks to the phonic gain amplification device I activated beforehand!"

Maria: "An amplification device?!"

Serena: "Sis, look!"

Maria: "I see... A Karma Noise was lured here by the amplified phonic gain!"

Serena: "Aaah!"

Maria: "Agh! Serena!"

Serena: "I... I can still fight. But Sis, you--"

Maria: "I have some fight left in me yet. We're going to have to use our last resort, Serena!"

Serena: "Okay!"

Maria: "If we can at least stop its growth--"

Serena: "We can do this!"

Dr. Adolph: "Obstinate girls... Stand aside, Nephilim! The black Noise will--"

Serena: "Oh no you don't!"

Maria: "I hope you're ready for this, Nephilim!"

Maria: "Damned Noise! Get out of the way!"

Maria: "I'll cover you, Serena! Now, break through to Nephilim!"

Serena: "You got it, Sis!"

Dr. Adolph: "Yes, indeed... Now, Nephilim! Feast!"

Maria: "It'll even feed on Karma Noise?"

Serena: "L-Look... Nephilim's..."

Dr. Adolph: "Finally... It is complete! Total power, and total peace!"

Maria: "No way... It's become so powerful!"

Serena: "Is this from the relics Mom said it consumed?!"

Dr. Adolph: "To be honest, even I don't know which one of those countless relics did this."

Dr. Adolph: "But honestly, who cares how you get there?! Such completeness... So wholly complete!"

Maria: "Guh!"

Maria: (The last time we took one of these on, we had the power of six X-Drives on our side.)

Maria: (There probably isn't a chance in hell that Serena and I alone can beat it.)

Maria: "But even so... There's no way I'm giving up now!"

Serena: "I was the one who awakened this thing... So it's up to me to put it back to sleep!"

Maria: "U-Urgh!"

Serena: "Aaargh!"

Serena: "N-Ngh... Sis... What is this pain?!"

Maria: "This is Nephilim's rage... Serena, if this combines with the Karma Noise's curse, we'll be done for!"

Dr. Adolph: "Hmph. Now that you're complete, these relics are irrelevant. Do with them what you will, Nephilim."

Maria: "I won't let it hurt you, Serena!"

Kirika Akatsuki: "You'll die before you touch her!"

Shirabe Tsukuyomi: "Maria! Serena!"

Shirabe Tsukuyomi: "We... barely made it... Huff... Huff..."

Kirika Akatsuki: "Thank god... we made it in time!"

Serena: "Tsukuyomi-san! Akatsuki-san!"

Maria: "The curse is too much for you to handle in your Ignited states! What were you thinking?!"

Shirabe Tsukuyomi: "It's not like... there was any other way... to make it in time..."

Kirika Akatsuki: "If it can save you two... then it was a risk worth taking... Haha..."

Serena: "Are you okay?!"

Kirika Akatsuki: "I can barely move my toes..."

Shirabe Tsukuyomi: "It's taking everything I have... just to keep my eyes open."

Maria: "Honestly... You girls barely made it out alive again... I"ll deal with things from--"

Maria: "Aaargh!"

Maria: "...It's going to take more than that to knock me down! I have to protect Serena!"

Dr. Adolph: "How do you still stand? Oh, don't tell me your precious 'bonds' give you strength?! Crush her, Nephilim!"

Maria: "U-Urgh!"

Serena: "Stop! Please, just stop! You're going to die, Sis!"

Kirika Akatsuki: "Ergh... Maria..."

Shirabe Tsukuyomi: "Maria..."

Dr. Adolph: "I'm not fussy, but I can stand neither uncertainty, nor these infuriating 'bonds' everyone speaks of."

Dr. Adolph: "I'm compelled to verify that which shouldn't quantifiably exist."

Maria: "I feel sorry for you... That you don't know the power of bonds firsthand!"

Serena: "Maria-nee-san!"

Serena: "Aaaaaah!"

Maria: "Serena!"

Dr. Adolph: "Don't make me laugh. You two aren't even real sisters. Your 'bond' is nothing more than hollow theatrics."

Maria: "No, don't!"

Dr. Adolph: "When there's only one recorded Airget-lamh, it's quite suspicious for another to simply pop up, no?"

Dr. Adolph: "Luckily for me, I was able to acquire all the info I needed just by using a good old-fashioned bug."

Dr. Adolph: "I didn't think it could be true, but the array of wielders in front of me is hard evidence to the contrary."

Dr. Adolph: "Serena, that girl isn't your older sister. In fact, she's not even from this world."

Serena: "......"

Maria: "You're wrong! I'm... I'm Serena's--"

Dr. Adolph: "Older sister? The one who saved Serena seven years ago?"

Maria: "Doctor Adolf..."

Dr. Adolph: "Haven't you seen the gate? She's just an imposter from a parallel world! The real Maria is dead!"

Serena: "......"

Dr. Adolph: "She's been taking you for a fool, posing as your older sister to gain your trust."

Maria: "How dare you! Serena, don't listen to him!"

Dr. Adolph: "Silence, imposter!"

Maria: "Ngh!"

Maria: "...We may be from different worlds! But Serena is still my--"

Dr. Adolph: "Your little sister? Your REAL little sister? But I thought you let your real little sister die?"

Maria: "No, I--"

Dr. Adolph: "A fake older sister for a fake little sister! Well, you definitely have to bring this one up in therapy."

Maria: "But I... I... Ugh!"

Dr. Adolph: "Ultimately, all you did was lie for you own sake. It's what your selfish human nature limits you to."

Dr. Adolph: "Cry all you want, but I know the truth which lies behind those crocodile tears."

Dr. Adolph: "Humans are horrifying, Serena. They're unknowable, terrible creatures..."

Dr. Adolph: "Therefore, the only way to guarantee peace for humanity is through overwhelming force."

Dr. Adolph: "And now, you've finally activated the complete power! The certainty you've brought about is praiseworthy!"

Serena: "......"

Notes:

[1] A rare case of an ellipsis with four periods in this script. Usually it's three or six.

[2] You know the drill. They can't decide if he's Adolph or Adolf

[akemikanekostuff]

The Werecock, part four.

He was comfortable, soft pillows under his head, pressing against half of his face, his body laid out on his bed, on top of the soft, thick covers. There was a slight chill, he was naked, but comfortable, and everything was fine with the world. 

Then that small nagging feeling came back, filling hi chest slowly. Something bad had happened...something bad had happened to him the day before, but he couldn't remember what it was...

Jacksons eyes snapped open. He would have thought it had all been some weird, fucked up nightmare, but the ropes wrapped around his wrists and ankles, binding him to the bed made him guess that it had all happened.

His drug induced sleep was hard to shake off, but his mind was begriming to clear slowly. He had changed into...into a cock, a sentient, living cock. Finnlay had come over to help, he had researched and found out some information on a similar curse. Jackson had changed back, but would change once again tonight. His vision had cleared enough for him to see his alarm clock, 6:32pm. Did that count as night? He guessed it would be more astrological than time based.

"Oh, look who's awake! I was worried you might sleep through it all" Came a soft, deep, smooth voice. Jackson attempted to get up, but the ropes holding his wrists to the head of the bed prevented this. "Finn..." he coughed, his throat feeling rough. "Finn, what the fuck...I'm not a Werewolf I'm a Were...cock" he grimaced "You don't need to tie me down, I can't attack...why the fuck did you drug me?!" he yelled, remembering fully now.

"Of course you won't attack me...You make for a big cock but not THAT big" Finn laughed, walking over and sat on the edge of the bed, smiling down at Jackson. "I have an experiment in mind, based partly on the research I did." he said softly, gently stroking Jacksons hair from his face.

"Experiment...to cure me?" Jackson asked, a little afraid of the answer he might get. "Finn, untie me, this is stupid!".

A wide grin spread across Finns handsome face. "Cure? In a way, yes...I am going to cure you of the Dick you are, Jackson". Finn laughed, standing up. "Because you have always been a dick, rude, arrogant, I'm going to fuck you, whilst you change...." With that, Finn began undressing, a good sized, hard bulge forming in his jeans. Soon Finnlay stood next to the bed, fully naked. His hard 6.5 inch cock throbbing slightly.  

Jackson stared at Finn, eyes wide "You're...you, No..NO! You can't! You said that...it would be permanent! And if you're inside me at the same time...Finn, Finn please! You can't!" He yelled, pulling harder against the ropes tieing him to the bed.  

"Jackson...shut up, almost time I think" Finn said in an almost bored tone, looking out the window, then checked the time. "You first messaged be at 7:02, I would guess you began changing a few minutes before that, so lets get started..." With that, Finn got onto the bed and positioned himself behind Jackson. There were several large mirrors set up around the room, as well as a video camera, recording the entire process.  

Jackson continued pulling against the ropes and struggling as best he could, his body still felt weak from the sleeping tablets, and the ropes were thick and tight. He was tied into a kneeling, doggy like position, his ample butt sticking up in the air.

"Finn, Finn please...no..." he said, tears begriming to roll down his cheeks "I don't want...you can't...please it isn't fair! I have a life!"

Jacksons argument was cut short as Finn slapped Jacksons ass, hard. He then spat into his hand and used it to slicken his cock up, which was then positioned right between Jacksons ass cheeks.

""You bastard! This is basically murder!" Jackson screamed, frustrated that no other person was in the building yet to hear him, but hoped beyond all hope that someone might be passing. "I'll fucking kill you...ahhhg!" he yelped, closing his eyes tightly as that all too familiar cramping feeling filled his body. "No..noo" he whimpered as it began to fade.

Another pain shot through his body, though this was not caused by the curse. Finnlay was pushing his cock into Jackson, slowly, but smoothly, not pausing or slowing down at all.  

"Finn, please, think about w..what you aaargh! What you are doing! I'll be your cock forever! Please!" Jackson slumped to the bed, shuddering as more and more of Finns cock was pushed inside of him. He gasped for breath and coughed, a salty taste filling his mouth.

"Fuck...almost, there..." Finn grunted, pushing himself as deep as he could go, right down to the base of his very slightly above average cock. He grinned and panted softly, leaning forward to talk into Jacksons ear.

"You will be my cock, that is all you will ever be....A big, fat, throbbing dick" He smirked darkly, gently thrusting as Jackson began to sob into the pillows.

Finn continued to thrust slightly, just gently rocking enough to keep Jackson stimulated. Thick, pearly white tears were slowly falling from Jacksons eyes now, and his occasional coughing was accompanied by large quantities of cum, until the pillow was soaked through.

"Yes, damn Jack, you're a good, tight fuck...don't worry, you'll be doing plenty of fucking soon" Finn smirked, and then fell silent, looking down at Jacksons ass. Jacksons sobbing had stopped as well, his eyes were wide and mouth hanging open.

Finnlay tugged himself backwards, but was unable to remove his cock from Jacksons ass. A huge smirk broke out across his face as he pulled a little harder "Oh..oh fuck yes!" he gasped, running his hands over Jacksons ass.

Jackson looked distraught. His insides felt hot and as though they were moving once again, and the weak, hot sensation was filling his legs once more. On top of that, he was connected to Finn...he was actually going to become the guys cock, for good!

He resumed his struggling, cursing Finn and shouting as loud as he could. His legs were burning and, had he been able to see them, he would have seen them lose their shape and become a large sack with slowly inflating balls.  

"Fuck, fuck yes...I can feel ya" Finnlay grunted, running his hands over Jacksons ass and lower back. It was a subtle feeling, but it was getting stronger, he could feel a pleasurable sensation each time he stroked a part of Jacksons body.

Both of their weight on the bed seemed to shift. Finn glanced down and laughed, Jacksons legs had melted away into a huge pair of balls "Should be safe now" He grinned, picking up a small knife from the end of the bed and cut away the ropes that had been holding Jacksons legs, he then reached up and freed the boys arms, before tossing the knife to the other side of the room.

Jackson felt his wrists fall free, not that it did him any good. He was fused to Finnlay, he Had no legs and...after looking down his body, he could see his bellybutton fade away as his abdomen become slightly more cylindrical.

"Look at this, Jack" Finn grinned, wrapping his arms around Jackson and stood up, with a little bit of a struggle, his massive balls hanging past his knees.

Jackson saw himself in one of the mirrors, cum slowly drooling from his lips, coating his chest. Below that, his abdomen was now almost fully a shaft, thick veins slowly throbbing, and then his balls, huge, hanging low but very slowly getting smaller.

"Finnlay...Why, how...This isn't fair" he sobbed through mouthfuls of cum, closing his eyes so he did not have to watch his transformation.

"Open them!" Finn snapped, using one hand to force Jacksons eye open "This is the last time you will ever be human...make the most of it" he grinned, moving his hand to slowly stroke Jacksons stomach.

Jackson swung his arm backwards, intending on hitting Finnlay in the side, but felt his arm just flop and twitch slightly. The muscle mass was shrinking away, his arms becoming slimmer and shorter. He didn't have long left. His family, his friends...no one would know where he was...

Finnlay continued to slowly stroke Jackson, running his hands up the boys entire length, right to his neck. Jacksons chest was narrower now, his nipples having vanished and any muscular definition faded away. The boys arms were about to disappear fully as well. Finnlay let go of Jackson, then grinned. He was hard, Jackson was supporting himself, nothing but a huge, freakishly big cock with a human head. "Sweet, uncut..." Finn said as Jacksons neck began swelling to match his shaft size, a thick fold of skin began to form.

Jackson knew he had moments left, if that. "I...hate...y..." he was silenced by a loud, thick gurgle as his mouth flooded with cum. He began shrinking faster now, his features becoming less defined with each second.

Finnlay was frantically stroking Jacksons body. First using his whole arms, then only his hands and forearms. "Fuck, yes!" he yelled, his huge balls swinging between his legs as, finally, both of his hands wrapped around his new cock.

With a loud, primal groan he came, covering the mirror in front of him with enough cum to half fill a bucket.   Finn fell back and sat on the bed, panting heavily, trying to catch his breath.

He eventually opened his eyes and looked down, "Fuck, holy fuck!" he yelled. Watching for a couple of minutes until he was certain that the changes had stopped.

Between his legs, resting on top of a pair of grapefruit sized balls was the largest cock he had ever seen. It was semi hard now, and must have been thirteen inches long, and as thick as his wrist.

Finn stood up, his legs trembling slightly. "Shit Jack, you're huge, bigger than before!" he gasped, watching his manhood deflate. Minutes passed and finally he was soft. His huge mushroom like head covered with its hood. "You must be, what...nine inches soft! And thick as fuck...shit I can't get my hand around you, even when soft!" Finnlay grinned, standing in front of the mirror once more.

Jackson felt his body becoming less rigid, softening and feeling tired. He could hear Finnlay...he could still see as well, so perhaps....

Finnlays cock twitched a little, and then a bit more. It slowly managed to lift itself to look straight in the mirror. "Huh...fuck that feels good..." Finn muttered, but was suddenly aware of how a sentient cock might be a problem....