#A bittersweet one haha. Classes start this week

[cosmoknightchaos]

a horrifying morning

[wei-ying-kexing-apologist]

Heesu in Class 2: Adaptations 3.0 Chanyoung, Astronomy, and Confessions

Tomorrow is going to be a bittersweet day for me because after episode 9 I am so desperate to see episode 10, but also that means tomorrow is the finale and I will no longer have this show to look forward to every week. I think this was my favorite episode of the series so far and it’s already been really incredible! 

First of all, I love the changes they made to Chanyoung from the manhwa to the live action. I am absolutely thrilled that they actually had Heesu confess to Chanyoung that he used to have a crush on him instead of having Heesu realize that his feelings had shifted and just not saying anything about it at all. Especially when Having A Crush on Chanyoung was so much of Heesu’s personality and youth. 

photo credit: @hughungrybear

Better than that, however, was the fight between Chanyoung and Heesu in the hallway at school. I will admit that I hadn’t fully picked up on the disparity in the level of intimate knowledge Chanyoung and Heesu have in one another. At the very least it settled in the background for me because I was chalking it up to Heesu learning all of this information about Chanyoung because he had a crush on Chanyoung. I fucking loved that Chanyoung is hurt by the fact that Heesu does not trust in him the way that Chanyoung trusts in Heesu. It paired really well with the conversation that Heesu had with his oldest sister about the most important pieces of a relationship to another person do not change even if romantic feelings might. 

Chanyoung was Heesu’s best friend, Heesu is Chanyoung’s best friend. Best friends should and do know so much about each other, and yet Chanyoung is freer in the information that he tells Heesu because he is straight and he did not grow up with that particular fear of the social repercussions of being queer in a conversative, homophobic society. Heesu has not trusted Chanyoung with information about himself because he is scared of losing the friendship that he has with Chanyoung when he realizes that he’s queer. 

gif by @jimmysea

But because Heesu has been harboring this huge black hole of secrets, Chanyoung also does not know how precarious of a situation he has put Heesu in by confronting him in the hallway. He accidentally set up a (potentially) very unsafe situation for Heesu if he had pushed any harder and forced a confession/outing. Chanyoung relies so much on Heesu, as do many people, and all he wants in that friendship is to be supportive back and Heesu simply has not let him get close enough to be seen. 

It’s working really well with the space metaphor imo, Heesu’s hobby involves being far away from the things he is studying intimately. 

And honestly, I like how the show’s revelation that Heesu is keeping himself closed off to the people he cares about is also supported by the conversation that Seong Won and Heesu have in Seong Won’s room. I know that scene is primarily a nod to the manhwa’s introduction to Seong Won, when Heesu complains that Seong Won is visible from the window buck ass naked. But, I am going to take it a step further and say that Seong Won and Heesu have had glimpses in to each other’s inner lives from the very beginning of this. Heesu can hide from Chanyoung all he wants, but he has (haha) bared himself for Seong Won without even realizing it, simply by existing in Seong Won’s orbit. 

AND he’s been making himself so transparently in his feelings for Seong Won that Seong Won is finally starting to realize that Heesu might not actually be crushing on Chanyoung any more. [Side note: the multiple head turns and catching each other looking at the bus stop was super cute]

gif by @wanderlust-in-my-soul

They had a bunch of light and dark visuals going on in today’s episode that I really appreciated. Chanyoung turning the light on to confront Heesu in his own room. Chanyoung letting himself be kept in the dark when Heesu refuses to answer him and tells him to turn off the light. Chanyoung again, trying to illuminate himself in to Heesu’s inner life by confronting him in the hallway. But forcing that is not safe and will not work. Heesu opening the blinds and absolutely flooding himself in light when he starts talking to Seong Won, that singular bright spot of hope and longing for openness and honesty. Heesu prolonging his confession to Seong Won because his secret crush on Chanyoung has been a black hole inside him for so long that he can’t face Chanyoung with it. He has to whisper it in to the dark so that he does not have to see Chanyoung’s reaction to the news that Heesu’s been gay for him all this time. 

I for one cannot wait for tomorrow when one of them turns that light back on. And I am so excited that Heesu has finally overcome his fear and is getting things out in the open so that he is able to move on from his crush on Chanyoung and move in to a relationship with Seong Won. 

photo credit: @neuroticbookworm

I have to commend Ahn Ji Ho for his performance as Heesu. I could feel all of the emotions wafting off of this boy. I could feel the pit in his stomach when Chanyoung and Ho Sik start asking him about who he likes (especially after Ho Sik says ‘who is she’). I could feel the panic, the fear, the anger coming off of Heesu when Chanyoung confronted him in the hallway, could feel the butterflies in his stomach when he was inches from Seong Won. I could feel the rawness of Heesu telling Chanyoung it’s not that easy for him. 

And I loved how heartened that made Seong Won. It’s tragic that that is the case, that twin fear being a sort of comfort. But the reaction Seong Won had to hearing Heesu say literally the same thing Seong Won said to Jiyu about how it is easier for Jiyu or Chanyoung to confess felt akin to Heesu’s reaction to finding out that Seong Won had two moms. As if this is something only they can understand, as if that confession is something that is going to be safe and tended to between them. It is an understanding that Chanyoung or Jiyu can’t really have because they are heterosexual, even as the show has created other ways for Chanyoung and Jiyu to understand the fears that Heesu and Seong Won harbor as queer people (via Jiyu outing herself as Summer and Chanyoung leaving home). 

Extremely looking forward to tomorrow!

[interfated]

⋆. 𐙚 ˚ Lemon boy pt 2 ! . . . ( 西村力 )

01. Style 운명 . story 02. CONTAINS: Angst, miscommunication, crack (kinda), comfort, riki's a wee bit whipped, and fluff ! 03. wc ! 1,411 04. Part 1 05. Lemon boy - Cavetown 06. Note: The writing style might be kinda weird.. I tried to write it as niki's thoughts !

Why she had been so keen on being his friend, he didn't completely get.

She was sweet, like strawberries. She was much too sweet for Riki, and everyone knew it, but that didn't stop him from trusting her, plus he liked strawberries

-

I enjoyed her company, but it was annoying at first.

Not annoying, it wasn't annoying, I didn't mean that.

It was just weird. She showed up out of nowhere, tried to be my friend and when I tried to show that I wasn't interested she didn't give up.

She followed me around, sat with me at lunch, talked non-stop. It was weird, she's weird.

What's weirder is iv grown to like her.

"But soon his bittersweet started to rub off on me You'd think smelling like lemon zest would be pretty neat I found out that my friends are more of the savoury type, and they weren't too keen on compromising with a nice lemon pie"

Her friends have started avoiding her, I don't think she knows I noticed

It's kinda hard not to when her smiley demeanor is fading though

-

"Hey..." What better time to tell her than when were walking to class?

"Hi Riki!" Why does she smile at me so much? "Um... so I need to talk to you"

"Mmmm about?" Just rip the bandaid off Riki

"We can't be friends" She stopped in her tracks, turning around and bumping into my chest "What?"

God her voice sounded so small and broken, I can't do this

"I'm sorry..." Maybe speed walking off without a proper explanation why though wasn't the best move

"So Lemon Boy and me, we just gotta get along together I'll help him plant his seeds"

I know it was for the better but this kinda sucks man...

I mean she was the one person who cared for me and I just pushed her away?? uhhhhhhhhhhh I'm going to die

It didn't even do anything anyway, her friends are still avoiding her

God, I messed this up so bad... (sulky niki :<)

"And we'll mow the lawn in bad weather It's actually pretty easy being nice to a bitter boy like him"

It's been another week, she's started leaving choco milk's on my desk every morning

I hate it, I hate her, I hate that no matter what I do she just won't stop

But she's so cutttttteeeeeeeeuhhhhhhhhhh oh my god

-

Following right behind Riki, she appears

"Riki!" Maybe if I ignore her she'll go away

"Rikiiiii!!!" Hah haha hahahahaahah I'm so funny you're so funny Riki why'd you think that would work She started tugging on his shirt

"Riki! I'm just gonna keep at this you know, as long as i have too" I believe it "You can't get rid of me" Trust me i know

Maybe if i turn around really quickly she'll bump into me... that would be funny

Thump

Hey i was right it was funny

"What"

"Why are you ignoring me? Huh?" Maybe if I'm really mean to her she'll finally stop

Ohhhhh but her cute eyessss i cant i cant do this aughhhh (he's losing it... i think) cmon it's the best for her, just do it "Because i don't like you"

Ahhhhh she looks sad ahhihiwhfwfu I could've done that nicer... but then she wouldn't have taken the hinttttt ughhhhhh

"But you still smile at me from a distance?" Eh? What's she mean? Huh? Sorry? Can you repeat that? what?

"Uhh no I don't" "Yes you do Riki I'm not stupid, also you drink the choco milk every day... every day!! If you don't like me so much why don't you just throw it away?" Uh uh uh uh uh hhahahaha

"Not stupid? That's debatable" Ehhhhh it hurts my soul oh my god please don't take it seriously i love you please marry me I'm sorrryyyyy

Omg she's thinking for so long she took it seriously omgggg

"Now I see why you didn't have any friends before me" HUH HUUUUUUUUUUUUH??? THAT WAS SO MEAN? I MEAN I KNOW I WAS BEING MEAN BUT THAT WAS SO MEAN?

"Sorry, that was a joke I didn't mean it I swear" Oh nvm

She paused before sighing

"Do you actually hate me? Like genuinely" OMG the way her eyes are glossing over, this is fucked everything's fucked omg stop just staring at her.. reply stupid

"Yes" MF NO WHAT? OMG

oh my god i think she's gonna cry... I'm the worst person alive

This is why you had no friends you dumb bitch oh my god "I didn't mean that... seriously i didn't okay I'm so sorry" Pwease forgive me i might actually start crying and that would be embarrassing for the both of us please!!

Ugh don't look up at me like that it's only making it worseeee "You could've just told me awhile ago you know. I mean I know I'm annoying but you didn't have to make me think you liked having me around"

No love of my life nooooooooo "I don't! I mean it I promise, I just" Oh my god it's hard to think when she looks at me like that

"I just... I saw how your friends started avoiding you when you became friends with me so, I thought maybe, if I was mean enough to you, you'd stop being friends with me you know? Then you'd get your friends back..." PLEASE TAKE ME BACK (yall weren't dating in the first place?..)

"You don't have to lie to me Riki, I don't think you're a bad person like everyone said but this was mean you know" Even after everything, she still doesn't think I'm a bad person? Seriously? Oh my god she's crying and walking away

Do I yell for her? Tell her how much she means to me? Do I give her all the cash in my wallet? Everyone likes money right? No make it meaningful asshole jesus

"Hey!"

Yelling for her, she turned around again, eye's tired and watery as her slightly pink cheeks riddled with tears; Before he could stop himself he grabbed her wrist, leaned into her face, and kissed her

It was sweet, much sweeter than he was 5 minutes ago, it was soft, gentle, it was kind, and full of love. The exact opposite of everything he had been called in the last 4 years of high school, and it was because of you

Because of you, Riki felt happy for once, he felt like he had a true friend for the first time in forever, he just didn't mean to fall so in love with you over the months you guys were becoming friends

Pulling away he started to talk, maybe a little faster than she could comprehend

"I love you, like a lot, I'm sorry, I'm dumb okay, when I said I just wanted you to have your friends back i meant it, i don't want you to be ostracized because of me, you're my only friend and you mean the world to me! Seeing you upset because everyone was avoiding you, broke me, you know that? You're the sweetest, kindest, most beautiful soul ever, the last thing id want to do is hurt you. Okay?"

God she's so cute

Staring up at him she nodded slowly, sniffling her tears

"Don't cry okay? Please?"

Again she nodded as he wiped her tears

She's so beautiful, oh my god she's so beautiful

"I don't care about them Riki, i promise i don't! They barely talked to me before we became friend's anyway" The way she sniffles in between words is so cute oh my goooood please take my last name

"And I love you too okay? I do, so please, don't be mean to me again... I was kinda worried you really hated me" Oh my god

"I could never." Be smooth with this Riki... Lift her head up, look into her eyes annnnndddd kiss again

LETS GOOOO im so smooth and cool

"I love you" You already said that ... be more creative

"And i want you to beeeee" say it "Mineeee? please?"

AHH SHE'S GIGGLING oh my god.........

SHE NODDED LETS GOOO I WIN

Giggling again at the obvious pink that dusted Riki's cheeks, the two kissed again, and again, and a few more times after that, but in the end, he was okay with not having any friends, as long as he had her, he was perfectly okay.

"So I got myself a citrus friend"

@taiyaakii

Note: Sorry if this is bad or not what you guys' were hoping! Iv been busy and I just wanted to get it out 'cause I felt so bad for leaving you guys without a part 2 for so long, but I hope you guys like it ! ><

Taglist: @honey-bunnysweet @ririsreverie (sorry if you didn't want to be tagged but it is finally here ><)

[steamishot]

T-29 days

i'm now updating my calendar for every event i have this month. so far, it's:

8/8: pizza with S&I

8/10: beacon hike with matt

8/11: NJ hike/hangout with T&S

8/16: dinner at LG's home for the first time (will start giving away my plants)

8/18: visit A and her baby with S at her apartment/pool day

8/21: carbone lunch with matt

8/22: rubirosa and comedy cellar with matt

8/26: switzerland

9/6: last dinner with T

9/7: last brunch with S&I

i have resistance to some events, and the feeling is definitely bittersweet. i find myself not truly enjoying the hangouts because it is laced with some sadness. my depresso would rather not see anyone until it comes time to move. but, it is nice that my last month will be filled with special moments.

i chatted with K about this, who has had a few losses/breakups in the past few years. she mentioned sobbing for an hour because she had just found a great dance partner but in the coming months, he will likely be deployed/away for months at times while he focuses on his military career. it's like that quote "'tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all."

ceramics: i've made entirely all bowls and one mug this semester. my mug didn't turn out that great. aesthetically, it was okay, but i tried drinking hot peppermint tea from it and it tasted funny. so i'm most likely not going to use it for drinking purposes. for my last few pieces, i'm torn between keeping them for myself or giving them away as gifts. the last thing i put in the fire was a blue bowl and a pink bowl - let's see how those turn out. class ends in two weeks already.

exercise/health: i'm really ramping up on the exercise recently. walked/hiked about 20 miles this past weekend, did a 7 mile bike ride, yoga sessions, etc. ran ~2 miles a few times! for a minute when i was super full, i stepped on the scale and reached my goal weight of 120lbs. but now i'm back down to 116-117. glad that i haven't had any hemorrhoids/blood in my stool since may.

last work week: it's matt's last work week at NYU! he was off for 10 days so i'm glad he's going back to work haha. it's his last night shift week here, and i'll have the whole apartment and bed to myself to chill this week. excited to drink tea and read.

odd bucket list items: yesterday, we had mcdonald's for the first time in NYC. i usually only get mcd's when i'm in LA. before we leave, i also want to give the panhandler who is always outside of our building "a dollar or two".

moving logistics: the moving company has been set. actual apartment is still up in the air. we're not ruling out the luxury buildings anymore. i've been checking daily for the same community that we're in now. it's more convenient to lock in for future move-in dates, and i trust that the building/maintenance will be good. slowly, the late september move-in date listings are coming out. i notice that rentals are claimed pretty quickly, so the market is quite competitive. i've been also browsing zillow rentals and have email updates for new listings, but those are not as frequent.

duolingo: i completed the chinese sessions, and have been learning japanese for the last few weeks. i was practicing music for a bit; may go back to it later. my friend K's competitive nature has been rubbing off on me. i've been trying harder at the game instead of doing the bare minimum. she's all about getting the XP and winning in the game (maintaining a top 3 status). i'm now at 237 day streak!

[gimbapchefs]

imma be sappy for a second... i think i’m both sad and happy to see runbts take a break. i remember that first episode of them all introducing themselves and we had both bts gayo and run at the same time. i honestly didn’t know when episodes were posted, i would just check vlive and go oH there’s another one!! and that turned into my weekly show since 2015. i remember in 2017 i used to sneakily watch runbts in physics class and try to pretend i was taking notes seriously while internally i was busting up. i remember when it switched from vlive to weverse and i was greatly confused on what this new platform was lol. and the past year or so, i had a lot of fun staying up until 4/5am to watch run live and gif it.

one thing i always loved about run was that they produce it, like they were mc’s for their own show and often bended the producer’s rules in bts style lol and it really showed who they were as people. they all tried out different roles and were able to step out of their comfort zones and i could see over the years how each of them got more and more comfortable being their chaotic selves. as they like to say, we got a lot of legendary moments from those 155 episodes and i’m sad we won’t get that content anymore, at least for a while. i’ll definitely be rewatching episodes both when i’m in a good mood and when i’m in a bad mood. runbts is that show that can really make anyone’s day a little brighter and i’m so so thankful for it. there were days i really just wanted to bury myself into a hole but i’d watch runbts and i couldn’t help but smile and laugh.

at the same time, they’ve run (haha...ha...) this show since 2015 even when they had ridiculously busy schedules. they worked really hard to film the content and i really gotta give props to the production crew for coming up with ideas for that many episodes. i hope all of them, the staff and bts, are able to rest with this break and come back almost like a fresh start. and we still have in the soop starting this week and award season is coming soon as well, so it doesn’t mean we won’t see bts or anything like that. it’s just bittersweet to see them say goodbye for now.

달려라 방탄은 계속됩니다 (run bts will continue) :)

[swagless-talks-alot]

Memories

Middle school. 

Rusty benches, rotting lockers, and prepubescent children. 

8th period is when I learned that he would be moving away. He would get to move out of this hell hole and move to a brand new country. 

"Are you ever going to come back?" I had asked as I unpacked my History notebook from my bag. But before he could answer, his loud ass friends entered the room.  Mark was the type of guy who wasn't immensely popular himself, but people knew him and he knew people. Most were either jealous of him, or loved him, no in between. 

I would say I was more on the jealous side. Not only was he on the dance team, my friends wouldn't shut about how "nice he is" or "how adorable he is" or "how good he is at math". 

"Have you read his poems? Apparently he has a poem book."

It's not just my friends either, it's my parents too. Unfortunately for me, Mark's parents and my parents are part of the same friend circle. Which means constant comparison. Ever since elementary school. 

But it's not like they were wrong. And it didn't help that I liked him either. It may have been my 13 year old hormones, or the fact that his smile seemed to light up the world around him, but despite how sickly jealous I was, I was so entranced. I remember crying after hearing a rumour that he liked someone one day. A weird occurrence as I never cried over anything. The rumour turned out to be false because I asked him about it the next day and he said "No, who is that?". 

We were what I would call acquaintances. One of my friends dated one of his friends in 6th grade for a week before breaking up in the most dramatic way possible. 

"You know, I heard they kissed once," I remember telling Mark. 

He replied with a grimace and said, "Eww that's gross, why would you kiss someone?" 

I remember laughing and telling him that it wasn't a big deal. 

After that, we talked once in a while. If we were in the same class, we would ask each other about homework or make basic small talk if none of his friends were around. 

And so, as History class ended, the 13-year-old boy came up to me. "Sorry for ignoring your question earlier, uhh I don't know if I'm coming back or not actually. I think I'm going to be living in Korea for a while," he smiled. "Don't tell anyone about it okay?" He said playfully. "Shhh". 

He giggled, put on his backpack, and ran up to catch up with his friends. 

And that was the last time I ever saw him. 

Honestly, I was glad. I thought that the source of my insecurities was gone and that my crush on him would disappear. I was a progressive child, so I got over him quickly, but unfortunately I still had my insecurities. I thought I would never cross paths with him again and as bittersweet as it sounds, I preferred it over the constant conflict in my heart whenever I saw him. I got over my insecurities slowly, throughout high school. My life without Mark Lee, was great, wonderful even. So then why, at the thought of seeing him again, run at the chance to intern at his company? My desperate ass didn't even search him up on google because I didn't want to know what he looked like now. My view of him is still of a 5'4 teenager boy, with a high pitched voice and braces. So when I was met with a guy who looked too handsome to be real, you could expect that I was taken aback. 

Mark, who I wasn't sure was Mark, was wearing a plain black shirt and some khakis. He also had light blue hair that looked really soft but also looked slightly fried, perhaps from the dye. 

"This is Mark Lee right, I heard you were the one who was supposed to show me to the intern manager or something."

"Uhh yeah! I'm Mark, nice to meet you. What's your name?" He said enthusiastically. 

He didn't remember me. Or he just wasn't sure. I didn't want to seem insane by saying I went to his old school so I kept quiet. 

"I'm Hannah Wang, I'm from Vancouver", I shifted my weight onto my other leg nervously. 

"Wait, Hannah Wang? Did you ever go to Westwood Middle?" Mark asked, his eyes lighting up. 

He remembered. Holy shit, Mark Lee remembered me. "Yeah, I was waiting for you to say something." I said as we walked into the recording room. "You uh, glew up a lot, I could barely recognize you." 

"Ah really? You glew up a lot too- not that you weren't pretty back then- I mean not like that-" Mark panicked.

"So you didn't think I was pretty?" I chuckled. 

We began walking inside the building, and the recording rooms became visible.

"No I mean you were, and still are- ahh" Mark's face was now 3x redder than it was before. 

“You’re bold, calling me pretty and all” I laughed as I scanned the posters on the wall. “Who are they?” I pointed to a poster of 10 men who looked around my age. I noticed that Mark was on it. He was wearing a race car? jacket and had black hair with blonde highlights. 

Mark, who was noticeably all flustered, took a moment to respond. “Ahh that’s the group I’m in… one of them at least.” 

I looked at him. “You’re in another group?” 

He nervously laughed, “Yeah it’s no big deal. I’m in this one, NCT 127, SuperM and NCT Dream.” 

“Well wow…” After all of these years, he was still out here doing the most. “I expected nothing less haha” I joked. “It must be hard.” 

“Yeah.. well I like being busy so it’s honestly very fun.” He said with a smile. “Wait, you’re interning at SM but you don’t know the groups?”

“Dude, I’ve been so busy I haven’t kept up with anything. My friend told me to apply for an internship here and I accepted it as a joke because I didn’t think I’d get in. I didn’t know you became a k-pop idol until like a month ago.” 

“Oooh” Mark nodded understandingly. He started walking to some of the other rooms. “Uhh I think I’m supposed to show you to Mr. Kim? He told me to tell you that he was sorry he couldn’t meet with you in person. There’s a slight chance he might be infected..” Mark frowned. “I’ll escort you to a room where you can meet with him. You came kind of early so I need to get the other two interns as well.” He turned to look at me.  “Does that sound good?” 

I honestly didn’t hear half of what he said because I was staring at his face. “Yeah yeah sounds good!” I centered myself again. 

We went to an auditorium which was quite huge but empty. I assumed press conferences were held here. There was also a huge projector screen at the front of it which had Zoom open. 

“You can just sit at any of the tables,” Mark said. “Oh yeah Mr.Kim asked me if you were vaccinated yet?” 

I nodded. “Yep all good and immune to the virus.” I smiled. 

And then he left and I was all alone in an empty black room. I didn’t realize I was holding my breath until I exhaled. (Yes and the floor is made up of floor.) I also didn’t realize how fast my heart was beating. Honestly, he hadn’t changed at all. Looking at him unlocked so much nostalgia of my younger days and I blushed to myself at the thought of the journal entries I wrote about him as a child. I wanted to talk to him about so much and I wondered why I didn’t reach out to him sooner. It had been an insanely long time since I last thought about my old “rival”, and I only started pondering it when I realized I would be interning at his company. Him becoming an idol wasn’t actually too surprising, my journal entries told me that he was into dancing a lot and I do recall him performing a Shinee song at one of our “family meetups”. I don’t have a lot of memories from middle school but that’s one that I can recall pretty vividly. He was doing it with 2 of his other friends and the performance was really funny because one of the kids fell and hit his nose on the edge of the sofa. I wonder if he remembered all of this. 

I was taken out of my thoughts when two other people, accompanied by Mark, walked into the room. They were a guy and a girl who both looked a little older than me and they didn’t look like they knew each other. They both took seats at separate tables. Mark on the other hand walked up to me. 

“I think the meeting will start in a bit.” He smiled. “I have to go but good luck with everything! It’s insane how we met again after like… 7 years? Dude, I miss Vancouver so much I really hope we can talk later and catch up on everything y'know?” 

I laughed a little, glad that he felt the same way as me. “Yeah definitely! So many things changed after you left, I swear to god it’s like a completely different place.”

“Yeah I visited once on tour-” his phone started ringing. “Shoot, they’re gonna kill me. I have to go, Hannah. Uhhh I’ll see you around?” 

I smiled. “Yeah I’ll see you around.”

[join-the-joywrite]

You are the music in me (part 1)

(mostly) juke soulmate AUs no. 1

Special thanks & shoutout to @endless-navigator and @i-spit-on-fire for helping me with my first juke soulmates au post, you guys are amazing!!

Suggested by the lovely Endless: AU where soulmates are musically connected, so whenever the one is playing music, the other hears it in their head (Everyone Is Alive AU, Trevor and Bobby are not the same person I know it doesn't make sense shh)

First of all, I love this au and my co-writers

Second of all, let's just pause for a moment to imagine Alex suffering out hours of Justin Bieber's pop music because that was Willie's playlist at one point. Alex retaliated by starting a rock band and that's the real story behind Sunset Curve, shhh

They all go to the same school & the entire grade is very aware of Julie & Carrie's rivalry for top spot in music, dance and drama. So far, Julie has music, Carrie has dance and somehow, Flynn accidentally got into drama due to an admin error in eighth grade and she's been rocking it ever since. But Julie and Carrie are best friends, don't doubt that. It may seem a little suspicious, but they do love each other.

Luke thinks Julie is a hotshot and finds Carrie super arrogant. He tolerates Flynn. He expects his best friends to do the same but Reggie adopted Flynn as his little sister and partner in crime, and Alex regularly sleeps over at Carrie's for spa night and boy gossip. Luke is very betrayed when he discovers this.

Once, Alex was over for a Dirty Candy recital and spent the next day singing the song they were performing and when Dirty Candy performed it, Luke and Reggie were Very Confused -- but half an hour later, Alex was singing Justin Bieber under his breath again.

Anyway back to the juke I initially started this for

Perfect Harmony

Luke doesn't really like Julie but he's the first to admit she's actually really talented. Julie has no idea who Luke is.

When Sunset Curve started up and found their sound, Julie decided that she couldn't wait to meet her soulmate because she was going to strangle them on sight. How was she supposed to get her homework done when all she had every afternoon was rock music???

They once independently went to the same concert and after realizing that the music wasn't bad, they were just hearing double, both got excited that their soulmate liked the music they did.

Julie wrote music with Rose a lot and often, she'd be the one singing. Luke often thought about penning down the unfamiliar lyrics to search it up later but he always forgot, getting lost in the beautiful music his soulmate listened to.

Eventually, Julie grew accustomed to the constant rock and decided to Google the lyrics in her head. After coming up blank everywhere, she concluded that her soulmate was making original music. So she had a talented soulmate. Didn't mean they weren't annoying.

Perfect Harmony

Julie still can't wait to meet her soulmate. Maybe she won't kill them on sight but she sure as hell will beat them with a cushion for the one calculus test she flunked after spending all the study time with loud music in her head.

Luke and Julie write music together

I love Luke but he's dumb and he doesn't even notice that he's writing music with his soulmate. Julie does, but only because her soulmate has a very distinct voice and any music that comes from her soulmate shares that voice and even though it's so very different to her own, there is an undeniable complimentary aspect.

Julie has like 8 duets locked away from her family that she co-wrote with her unaware soulmate.

Perfect Harmony

Sunset Curve has ballads now and then. Bobby, Reggie and Alex know why but they're not gonna tell Luke. They're just gonna share knowing glances and pretend like nothing is different. They have a bet going with how long it'll take Luke to realise.

Luke is falling in love with his soulmate because music is life and his soulmate has GREAT music taste. Unlike Julie, he hasn't yet figured out that the music in his head is original music.

P E R F E C T H A R M O N Y

Endless, Sun & I thought about killing Rose but we threw that out the window pretty quickly. Instead, we decided upon a year-long coma. In which Julie loses music.

Luke is absolutely distraught. He thinks his soulmate died. Reggie, Alex & Bobby don't think so for sure but the longer the silence goes on, the more convinced they get. It affects Luke's music too. Sunset Curve doesn't shut down like Julie did, but they do get softer.

Luke spends more time writing, singing to himself. If by some miracle, his soulmate isn't dead, then he's singing to them. Hopefully.

One day, Sunset Curve performs for Julie. Well, they don't specifically perform for her. They'd have to know her for that. Sunset Curve throws a small gig and "this song goes out to all of you who feel hopeless, like you'll never be able to wake all the passions you used to have up again."

Flynn decides Julie needs to start living again and drags her to the small mini concert because it's small and why not.

Julie goes through the entire evening in a daze, but after Flynn leaves her house later that night, Julie feels a little fuzzy, like something's wrapping her in a big warm hug. And the next day, Julie absolutely obliterates Wake Up.

A week or so after, Rose is concious again.

Now that the serious moments are done, let's get to some funnies.

Luke, distracted and bored: you with the sad eyes

Julie, trying to do her homework: W H Y

Luke, oblivious: don't be discouraged

Julie, squishing her scrap paper: >:(

Flynn finds this amusing and asks what's up. Julie growls, "he's singing Trolls."

"So sing back. Duh."

And then she does. Luke's singing gets less lazy and more energetic. Julie actually really likes Trolls music and she has to admit singing Poppy's lines are fun. Flynn is super tempted to record Julie and call it blackmail stock. Alex, Reggie and Bobby actually act on the temptation.

They do this often. Julie will be doing something mundane and then all of a sudden, there's a duet playing in her head and it's her idiot soulmate covering the song akd hoping she joins in. Thankfully, Julie is mostly alone but she wonders if her soulmate is acting a fool in front of other people just for the sake of hearing her voice. Endearing.

P E R F E C T H A R M O N Y

Julie needs some practice on her dance recitals okay, so randomly, she has the track playing on her headphones and bops her head along. Sometimes she's cleaning the kitchen and dancing with the broom pretending it's her dance partner. No I don't do that haha

It has been WEEKS of this.

Luke has developed brain cells. He now knows his soulmate is helping him write music. So he starts penning down a new song. Both of them know it's a duet. They've even had some joke practices together with no music and things like that. Julie doesn't know the music that goes with it because Luke is careful not to play it. Ever.

And so one night, Julie's down in the studio -- it's dusty and needs a little cleaning -- and pops her earbuds in and she's doin her lil dancy-dance as she listens to her the music for her dance class recital.

Luke: GUYS GUYS GUYS ITS TIME ITS TIME SHE'S PRACTICING GUYS GUYS

Alex: IT'S FINALLY HAPPENINNNGGGGGGG

Reggie and Bobby: so should we leave you two alone for a minute or--

Luke: NO YOU WILL STAY HERE AND YOU WILL PLAY THE NOTES I GAVE YOU LAST WEEK I HOPE YOU NERDS PRACTICED

Bobby: you know we're gonna silently make fun of you the whole time

Luke: I am aware but you guys love me and you'll do this for me now shut up I have to time this perfectly

Julie is hearing double. At first she thinks maybe she never plugged her headphones in or maybe Flynn or Carrie are nearby listening to it too or -- no wait hang on a minute that doesn't sound like the track she's supposed to dance to.

Taking out her earbuds confirms that the music is in her head.

Off topic, speaking of music in her head, Luke definitely thinks I Got The Music is a Bop™

Its soft, its sweet, it's just guitar. There is no way in hell her soulmate is listening to guitar instead of playing it. She knows that much.

So now Julie has forgotten about cleaning the studio up and is pretty much standing in the same spot, just holdin on to the broom that did just two short sweeps

"Step into my world"

"THE BASTARD WROTE A SONG"

"Bittersweet love story bout a girl"

big gasp "THAT BASTARD IS PLAYING OUR DUET"

"Shook me the core"

Julie's brain: singggg,,,,, Julie: I'm afraid, ,,, Julie's brain, in Flynn's voice: S I N G

"Voice like an angel, never heard before"

Julie, before she can back down, "here in front of me"

Luke's eyes get so wide and so happy. Bobby takes a pause to snap a photo. When they finally find Luke's soulmate, they're gonna have so many dorky pics to show

Y'all it is the most beautiful separated duet of all time. I mean, not for the guys, the pauses are really weird but hey, at least Luke seems to be enjoying himself.

Post duet: "Mija are you singing to yourself"

Julie: (screams and throws broom) no?

You know what maybe this needs to be split for a part two...

[lover-of-trash-and-people]

bittersweet netflix shadow and bone finale (s1 e8) rewatch; accoutrement: white wine with ice cubes in it (no YOU'RE a mom drink shh)

my wine's like fruity I love her

light and darkness title card we love to see it

Inej looking at Alina before she goes below deck to hide <3

okay that 'what can you really do on your own' was like not fun that shit hurted

okay but Jesper's 'not enough'? <3

oh no my baby Zoya's first inkling that Darkles does not really care

omg Helnik just appeared and I remembered how much heartbreak I have to face in this episode

gods I love Danielle as Nina so so much

'this can't be it' said she with her pleading smile with downturned eyebrows MA'AM I-

don't break my dumb little heart

I might hate Calahan's little accent but they're making me tear up

oh gods I literally cannot keep a hold on myself when Dani's accent bleeds through with full force, it's like she comes more alive or smth

'I will keep you warm' SIR WHAT-

I am surprised they showed a leaning in for a kiss so soon but I'm not mad about it

her little eyebrow twitch at 'what are waffles'

when that rando said 'i hunt slavers now' a dread settled into me because I knew what was about to go down

Matthias looking somberly at the stuffed wolf's head </3

I am so incredibly entranced by this exchange between Fedyor and Nina and what it represents, it's very interesting that they pushed up their storyline to match with the timeline

damn it's kind of jarring to be back in the Fold

'REMEMBER WHO'S DRIVING'??!!!! *you better stop* meme, *i am, disgusted* meme, *oh wow, oh wow* meme

Mal you fucking idiot you could never take the crows by surprise

the music rising as Kaz starts explaining his thought process, fucking perfection

haha Mal bitchass Inej caught you

'Because if he isn't with Kirigan's crew, he's with ours' WHEN I TELL YOU I SCREAMED

'And why would we destroy the Fold? It's the greatest weapon we've got' valid point at the moment but you know I don't necessarily agree with your methods

the use of the light tunnel in the show instead of Alina just being a super flashlight in the books is quite an interesting addition as well

is this an inappropriate time to point out how pretty Ben Barnes is

okay I kind of love the depiction of the shadow powers okay sue me

'they are traitors who tried to kill you' why are you suddenly making valid points despite having kind of committed low scale genocide

'i never said I was smart' YES MAL BE THE VOICE OF HIMBOS EVERYWHERE

Kaz's face going from 'can you believe this idiot' at Mal to 'fuck me I'm gonna do the same thing aren't I' at Inej

'For who would oppose us now?' *himbo romantic rival appears out of nowhere and shoots at him* god I love this show

him standing calmly in his ridiculous all black attire after nodding at his soldier to stop the himbo in his tracks, i fucking can't

could she summon light without the Darkling making her after he put the collar on her until the uhm moment in the books? idts but in the show she can hmm

'only because I'm not in the game' you tell him Jesper

not me snickering at 'you'll be seen not as a saviour, but as a heretic' LMFAO

'Shame. I'll have to give that speech again now.' THIS SHOW IS A FUCKING COMEDY AND YOU CAN'T PROVE ME WRONG

YES LET'S FUCKING GO SULI SOLIDARITY

Darkles casually whipping the Cut out like a shuriken or a throwing knife at Jesper because he shot at him lmao I can't

INEJ FUCKING GHAFA STABBED ONE THE OLDEST AND MOST POWERFUL PEOPLE IN THAT WORLD AND THAT IS VERY TELLING OF HER POWER

that moment where you actually think that affected him despite having read the books and watched the show

and then he has to go and fucking say 'it will take more than this' and I can't be help but be a little bit impressed at this old fool's resilience

throwback to when he said 'the king is a child' sir you make some valid points sometimes and it does make it difficult to hate you

I would just like to inform everyone that it is currently 6:09 am IST and I am sipping my second mug of wine while watching netflix sab for the second time instead of doing my three papers that are due tomorrow

I'm sorry but Inej jumping to check on Zoya after she gets knocked over by the volcra? first class display of solidarity and sisterhood as well as Inej's inherent kindness

Kaz jumping in front of a FUCKING VOLCRA AND STABBING IT WITH HIS CANE to save Inej, you best believe love is true, kids

god the volcra are so ugly and gross, they did such a good job with them

they kind of remind me of these creatures (I think they might have been called Hollows or smth) from the Miss Peregrine's Home for Peculiar Children movie

STAG VISION TIME

despite my dislike for the callous nature with which the stag plotline was handled, I kind of dig the stag vision scene

'It's just me and you now, Alina. And we're all we need, anyway.' I actually feel bad for this old fool simping for this wonderful gorgeous powerful woman despite lying to her and manipulating her and exploiting her power

okay 'I never needed you' *stabs the bone fragment out of his hand* beautiful power move I fucking love you so so much

alright ben looking like ✨ that✨ not only in physical pain but also emotional pain at what the Darkling clearly considers another betrayal from this girl he wants to give the world and maybe? loves? maybe? or at least has feelings for makes my fucking heart hurt while simultaneously soar at Alina taking back control and reclaiming her power as her own and stepping into her own

'how do you claim such power' okay could have had better dialogue there writers

the fucking score lifting as she says 'you cannot claim what was not given to you' good people my heart is full

one day I'll talk about my defense of the chosen one trope because god damn I kind of love it

hmm I wonder was that brief hesitation that we saw on Alina's face due to her thinking about the 'you chose to betray our people' comment or the 'i was trying to save us' comment because that will define some of her actions in the later seasons (hopefully god if we get some, I honestly don't know what with this stupid brownface debacle)

I'm not saying talking about brownface and pointing out that it is wrong (for further context, I am actually brown) and harmful is stupid btw I'm talking about the incidents involving brownface in question

I don't wanna talk about this anymore but I might feel like I need to and end up posting about it idk

goodness Ivan actually believing in this cause makes me so sad because he too has been victimized by the system that ostracizes Grisha and he has every right to feel the way that he does

Ben actually fighting in that ridiculously heavy cloak and kefta when he's about to turn 40 this year makes me super impressed because I as a 19 year old sometimes wake up with muscle pulls after weeks of inactivity it's weird idk

also I understand that this Mal Darkling fight is completely fanservice and serves nearly no purpose to the plot in general but like I? love it?

'I don't have to kill you Darkling. Your past will do it for me' YES HIMBO GO OFF YOU TELL THAT OLD MAN GODS THAT WAS SEXY AS FUCK

maybe it's because I know Darkles will survive and will come out of it more powerful but I can't get myself to feel bad for him at the moment

Inej and Mal tearing up at Alina's condition made me almost feel something despite it being super obvious she was gonna be fine and save their asses at the last moment

HER POWER

a solitary Kaz in spotted on the western side of the newly expanded fold in his signature all black emo boy look

okay but the crows with zoya and malina is such an adorable team? I literally love them so much?

INEJ'S FUCKING SMILE AT ALINA GIVING HER THE DAGGER AND KAZ LOOKING AT HER AGSGSGSHSJSJSK MY HEART CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE

SHE KNOWS JUST WHAT TO NAME IT WELL GIRLIE I KNOW IT TOO AND MY FUCKING HEART IS LITERALLY GONNA BURST

okay I know they had one interaction but Mal and Jesper would be besties in another universe

Kaz glaring at Jesper when he answers ''course not' to Alina's 'will you still be trying to kidnap me?' tell me one fucking adaptation that got the dynamics between characters this perfectly

okay why do I love that Alina kept the jewellery as maybe a small nod to she has the wits to, um, you know, I don't wanna say steal, but, um, yeah, steal it because she knew she would need money to survive on the run

oh Jessie I love you so much I wish you hadn't said those things on you ig story about the brownface

it's like every single celeb I grow attached to god's like nope that one is going to do or say something problematic (hey btw im not reassigning blame to god for stuff people have done out of their own free will, 'twas a joke)

AAAAAAAH them saying 'the deal is the deal' in the show even though they didn't have to but like they did and I love them for it

Inej literally not being able to not stare at Kaz's face and smile after this <3

'I didn't expect it to burn at all. But it can be destroyed in the end. Just like him' babe you're not wrong but like um just you wait

god Mal being on supportive boyfie mode is well, absolutely adorable, obviously, but I wish we got to see more of him as a person outside of his attachment to Alina

kaz my little demjin I wish you hadn't have had to suffer so much to meet the crows and find your calling

fastforwarding Zoya's arc is also an interesting choice to me

I wish the hug hadn't been done though, it didn't feel earned

maybe Alina awkwardly and half-heartedly (remember, at this point the alliance is fresh and they still don't entirely trust each other) reached for a hug and Zoya avoided her? and then the rest of Zoya's lines followed? that would have made more sense to me at least

I love Sujaya as well, she brought life into Zoya with whatever little screentime and scraps of writing she got

inej asking kaz 'what's your angle?' beep bop bleep morp I sense another incoming embarrassing love confession

'but we do need you' *stares at her face intensely* 'I need you' ah look at the clock, look's like it's time to screech and flap your arms like you're a volcra because you're incapable of containing your emotions

NO YOU CAN'T GO DIRECTLY FROM KANEJ PROGRESS TO HELNIK BREAKUP (TEMPORARY, MIND YOU)

helnik my loves you don't deserve this I'm so sorry for both of you

Matthias fucking smiling ruefully while he says 'this was... just a cruel joke all along' THIS IS NOT FUCKING OKAY

omg hellgate

AAAAAAAAH NINA IS ON THE SAME FRAME AS THE OG CROWS I CAN'T HANDLE THIS

CAMERA PAN FROM KAZ SAYING 'JUST HOW THIS ALL STARTED... WE'RE GONNA NEED A HEARTRENDED' TO NINA OVERHEARING HIM AND LOOKING OVER?????!!!!!! WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING THIS TO ME?!

Nina genuinely being curious as to the status of the sun saint because she obviously still cares

Also, 'But she is a Saint' okay Kaz trying to earn brownie points you have succeeded

DID THAT SAILOR JUST SAY 'GOED MORGEN FENTOMEN' TO MALINA BECAUSE I AM NOT OKAY WITH THEM JUST THROWING THAT IN MY FACE ALL OF A SUDDEN

gods I know I'll probably see them again but my heart is full of sorrow as my eyes drink in the sight of my crows for the last time for a while

I know people were annoyed at the meadow flashbacks but guess what? as a darklina, I loved them

'now that the Darkling is dead' could have phrased that a little differently my dudes that line needed to hold more weight

am I glad that they showed Darkles in this state with his nichevo'ya as a tasty little cliffhanger despite not being entirely true to the source material? maybe but only because Ben Barnes saying 'follow' and the nichevo'ya doing exactly so sent a chill down my spine

well, that's it for now, I'll have to move on I guess, get back to my real life which I'm obviously not ready to do

thank you to whoever actually read these things

I probably should have just made reactions or commentary videos instead but I'm lazy

my tumblr will probably go into inactivity once more as I emerge from my stint in the grishaverse

it was quite short (less than 2 months), considering the length of my other obsessions but it was definitely more intense than the other ones

[nightshade-minho]

Nightmare (2)

Warnings: male masturbation, mentions of smut etc.

Note: Nvm what I said before, this is definitely gonna have more than 3 parts lmao.

Part 1 | Part 3

When you woke up, you felt yourself wrapped in a warm embrace. Confused, you turned slightly to see Minho’s sleeping visage. You almost squealed before shutting yourself up with one hand, as Minho’s entire body was pressed up against yours...and that meant you could feel something hard poke against your ass. You tried to move, but Minho’s hands were firmly wrapped around your waist in a death grip. Your shifting only made him pull you closer in his sleep, his morning wood poking deeper into your panties.

“M-Minho...? It’s time to wake up now.” You said, as you used your free hand to poke him. You were answered with a grumpy, half-asleep mumble, and then suddenly you were turned around, your face pressed into his bare chest. A blush spread across your cheeks- his skin was soft and you could smell his signature scent.

“Minhoooo.” You whined, trying to wriggle out of his grip, but the man was way stronger than you, and kept you in place. You sighed, giving up and resting your head against him.

You couldn’t deny how secure and comfortable you felt, lying in his arms like this. However the bittersweet knowledge that once he woke up, he’d probably shoot away from you filled your mind, which was a sobering thought.

So he did come back last night after all. Was it after they had sex or did he not have sex at all? You expelled the thoughts, choosing to close your eyes again, cherishing the moment. You felt so safe and warm.

There was probably an alternate universe in which you would wake you Minho up with a kiss...a world in which you were together. However in this reality, Minho was an asshole with priorities that mattered over you. The anger from yesterday night seeped back into you.

So you summoned all your strength to pry his hands away, prompting a whine from him. You slid off the bed before he could pull you back into his arms. You sat on the floor for a while, before slowly getting to your knees and peering over the bed. Minho had turned around, his back now facing you and his snores louder than ever. You let out a phew, and made your way to the kitchen to make breakfast.

•••

Meanwhile, Minho’s eyes shot open just as he heard you close the door behind you. He sighed and sat up on the bed. He hadn’t wanted you to know he was awake, and was consciously holding you close to him. He scrunched his eyes shut as he turned to the side and pressed his face to the pillow, groaning. What was he doing?

He sat up and pushed the sheets off of him, sighing when he noticed his morning wood. He could also smell the scent of your body wash lingering- the smell of clean lemon flowers permeating the air.

Getting up, he headed for the shower so he could clean up and take care of his pesky little situation.

Naked, he leaned against the shower wall, taking his cock in his hand and stroking it slowly. He sifted through his mental library for something worth jerking off to.

The blonde he met at the laundromat last Sunday? Nah. He recalled how annoying her voice was when he had asked her for her number. Perhaps the brunette in his psych class? Ugh, no. Maybe he should think of some porn scene that had turned him on...? No luck.

Minho’s mind automatically drifted to last night, when he saw you spread out like that on his bed, wearing his shirt and with your ass on full display.

No. He slapped himself with his free hand. There was no way he was gonna get off to the thought of you. It was bad enough that he’d had some mature thoughts about you the night before...masturbating to you would have devastating consequences for his conscience.

But he couldn’t help it. As much as he tried to conjure some other sexy image, you stayed stubbornly.

Minho almost screamed with how much his cock was begging him to give up already. Finally he gave in, his head slamming against the shower wall as he pumped his dick hard, imagining up a situation where you woke up as he was pressed against you...letting him slide your panties to the side and slip his cock in to your tight, wet heat.

When he finally came, harder than he’d ever cum before...he thought about what he had just done. He felt filthy. What would you think of him, if you knew? He was too embarrassed to even think of looking at your face now. He uncomfortably recalled how he’d referred to you as his little sister during middle school. That phase was over, but it still disturbed him to think about how he’d just gotten off to someone who he cared about that much.

Minho stepped out of the shower. He dried himself off, found some clothes and his bag, and made his way to the living room. You were standing in the open kitchen, stirring something in a pan. He noticed how you’d pulled on some shorts, but was still wearing his shirt.

You heard his footsteps and whipped around. He made brief eye contact before quickly walking to the door.

“Wait, Minho...don’t you want some breakfast?”

He rolled his eyes, and didn’t reply.

With that, he slammed the door behind him, leaving you confused and hurt.

You felt tears prickling the corners of your eyes. Was he mad at you because you slept in his bed yesterday?

You didn’t know. All you knew was that you were too exhausted for this. You had classes to attend, too. So you turned your attention back to the stove, driving Minho away from your mind and giving him a backseat in your brain.

•••

As Minho made his way through campus that evening to get back home, his mind was filled about how he shouldn’t have acted that way in the morning. It wasn’t your fault that he’d been such a pervert, after all. He practiced his apology as he walked...but then he caught a flash of red hair in the distance.

Fuck. It was the redhead from yesterday.

She stopped in front of him, crossing her arms.

“What the fuck was that all about, Minho? You were the one who came onto me, and then you ditch at the last second? It was so fucking humiliating. People saw you rushing to leave the party right after you entered the room with me.”

She looked really angry. Minho wasn’t used to the girls he screwed over being this mad; most of them were already well aware of his reputation.

“Look, Rita, I’m sorry okay? Something came up. I’ll make it up to you.”

“You asshole, it’s Rina. And don’t think I’ll let this by so easily.” She smirked, and Minho raised an eyebrow.

“What do you mean?”

“Well, just that my father is the Chief of Police. And if I were to tell him that you were running around molesting girls...I’m pretty sure he’d believe me. Especially because there are tons of girls you’ve wronged that would love to back me up.”

Minho’s mind was swimming. This couldn’t be happening, not today. He couldn’t think of anything to say, his breath catching in his throat. Rina’s smirk grew wider, watching as he started sweating.

Then, an idea popped into his head.

“I’m dating someone!” He blurted.

Rina’s smirk dropped off her face. “W-What?”

“I mean...we got together recently, though I’ve been crushing on her for a while. And...since I’m such a playboy, I kinda forgot I’m supposed to not fuck other girls anymore, haha...I’m really really sorry.”

Rina faltered. “I...you have a girlfriend?”

“Yes.”

“You, the Lee Minho...has a girlfriend.”

He nodded tightly. “I’m sorry for all the inconvenience I caused, but I couldn’t cheat on her...I hope you understand.”

Rina looked skeptical. “Fine. Hey, I’m throwing a party next Saturday. How about you come with your ‘girlfriend’, hmm? I’d love to meet her.”

Minho wiped away some sweat as he nodded. “Yeah, totally...she’d love to come.”

Rina smiled. “Great!”

•••

When you heard the door open, you made it a point to avoid looking at him, your eyes trained on the TV.

“Hey.”

You heard the whisper behind you, but elected to ignore it.

Minho plopped down next to you, holding out a paper bag. “I got you macarons.”

You whipped your head around at that, your eyes lighting up. He put the bag in your hand, watching as you opened it excitedly, taking a bite out of one macaron. Your face contorted with ecstasy as you moaned. Minho chuckled.

“I don’t think I wanna witness you having sex with a macaron, so I’m gonna ask you now...am I forgiven?”

“For what?”

“For being late to our Movie Night yesterday...and also my rude behavior in the morning.”

You nodded. “Yeah, I forgive you. But only because of these.” You pointed to the bag and he laughed, then remembered why he went to the store to get you the sweets in the first place.

“Um...there’s a favour I’d like to ask of you...”

You turned around to face him, cheeks stuffed with the dessert. He held in his laughter- you looked like a chipmunk.

“Ugh, this is serious, okay? Stop being so goofy, you doofus.”

You swallowed what was in your mouth. “Sorry. Continue?”

He inhaled deeply. “I need you to pretend to be my girlfriend for a week.”

You sat there, stunned.

“W...what? Why?”

“Well...there’s this girl I didn’t fuck last night. And...she’s pretty pissed at me. So I may or may not have told her that I have a girlfriend...”

You shook your head. “And you’re asking me to do this because...?”

“Because you’re my only female friend?”

You let out a huge sigh, setting the bag on the table. “So these weren’t just an apology, they’re a bribe?”

“No! it’s just something I bought to convince you into doing what I wanted, since I knew you would say no immediately...oh wait, I guess it was a bribe after all.”

“Minho...I have a life, you know? And I’ve got better things to do than pretend to date you.” Although you couldn’t imagine what would be better than an excuse to hold Minho’s hands, even briefly...you drifted off, imagining Minho being your boyfriend, a giddy smile appearing on your face.

“Y/n?”

You snapped out of it, eyes shooting open. “Wha...?”

Then again, this was a bad idea. Having to pretend to be in love with Minho when you actually were wouldn’t end well, and you told yourself that mentally.

“Absolutely not. I’m not gonna set aside my commitments to prance around as your girlfriend just because you made a mistake, and didn’t fuck one girl.”

Minho exhaled.

“Y/n...the girl’s father is the Chief of Police. She told me she’d report me to him as a sexual offender. And even if I somehow convince her not to do that, there are a thousand other girls who would want to do stuff like that as well, girl who would kill to get some revenge on me. I...need to clear my reputation. Scrub the slate blank. Please help me.”

Your eyes wide, you digested this information. Fuck, you really had no choice.

“I...”

He looked away. “It’s fine, y/n, you don’t have to agree. You’re right. I got myself into this mess...I kinda deserve it.”

He got up to leave, but your arm shot up to hold him in place. “Wait!”

Your eyes took in his hopeful face and you melted. Ugh. You hated the effect he had on you.

“Fine, I’ll do it.”

A wide grin spread across his face as he surged forward, wrapping you in a tight hug. He pressed his nose into your neck and you almost sighed. Was this a bad idea? Would you regret it?

As Minho pulled away, his wide smile still present on his face, your heart softened.

Nah. This was the right thing to do. After all, what good is a best friend if he’s in jail?

[fydream]

34 | previous | next | m.list | main m.list |

✰ how to be a heartbreaker

↳ so what happens when park jisung, the school’s infamous fuckboy runs into the new girl at school? out of boredom he decides it’ll be fun to have someone new to play with, but little does he know, she’s learning how to be a heartbreaker.

a/n: hi! an authors note before this chapter begins! 1. yes i know the formatting is different but that’s only because this chapter is 5.9k words long!! (yes you heard me!! 5.9k!! that’s the most ive written for anything published on this blog!!) so there will be a cut bc i know it’s annoying to scroll past long posts haha. 2. i know i didn’t mention it in this chapter but i just wanted to say that if you did want to listen to music while reading this, during y/n and jisung’s scene you should definitely listen to euphoria by bts and that jeno and donghyuck’s song is i.l.y. by the rose. i hope u guys enjoy!

An hour or so later you're running out your front door to meet Jisung, who already regrets saying he'll wait.

"I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry-" You apologize. "I didn't mean to take that long you must've been bored out of your mind!"

"It's okay." Jisung reassures. "We won't be there that long, we might be a little late to hoco if that's okay with you."

"That's fine!! Just let me text Donghyuck that I'm with you then."

"Okay."

The ride to where Jisung is taking you is quiet, nothing but his various hums to the music he plays as as he drives. It's nice, it reminds you of the first time he gave you a ride home. Quiet, but comfortable.

Instead of looking at your phone you look out the window, then take a second to look at Jisung before looking back out the window again.

You so weren't slick about it either because he notices how you quick you look away and how eager you are to sneak another glance.

"What?" He asks. "Why'd you look at me like that?"

"It's nothing.." You mumble, trying best to hide the smile that's slowly creeping up on your face.

"C'mon." He insists. "Tell me!!" He tries to make it sound like he doesn't care about the topic that much, but his vocal chords work against him as it comes out as a whine.

"Nothing.. It's just.. You look like that, and I look like this.."

"What, you mean beautiful like always?"

Jisung makes note of how quickly your cheeks turn pink at the comment he made.

"You can't just say that!" You argue.

"Yes I can, you're my date tonight after all. What kind of person would I be to not compliment their date?"

You open your mouth, about to speak before he cuts you off from your thought. "And don't worry y/n. I'll take that look as a compliment itself." He snickers.

"Hey!" You shout, earning another laugh from him.

"Hey Jisung?" You ask once the giggles die down.

"Hm?"

"Don't tell anyone I've said this but um.." You start, trailing off at the last part. "Donghyuck has uh, told me things.. about you." You notice how he looks at you, how the expression on his face quickly changes from happy and carefree, to concerned and worried. "I know you probably know what I'm talking about.. I uh- I can kinda.. tell.."

"Yeah." He whispers, trying to block out what you just told him.

"But y'know. I think he's got you all wrong."

"You do?" He asks, a bit too eagerly.

"I do." You say. "From the past how many weeks? Of knowing you, we've gotten close. And I don't think you're anything like that, at least, not anymore.. I've seen the difference between how you act in class and when you're with Jeno and Jaemin, than how you are when we're together and I'd like to hope it isn't just an act. I'm not stupid, y'know."

"I never said you were, I never thought you were either."

"I know. You're not too hard to read, y'know."

For once, Jisung is left speechless. This is the first time anyone has really brought this up on him and he has no idea how to respond. Questions begin to flood his thoughts as he begins to wonder what do you know. Do you know the real reason why he asked you out? How long have you known? What if you never want to talk to him again?

"I-" He tries to speak, but nothing comes out.

"It's okay. I don't know everything about you." You scoff, watching as the boy next to you lets out an exhale. "I don't know that much, but I know enough."

"Enough?" He asks.

"Enough to know that if you are going to break my heart, you should do it right now. Because this is the part where I'm about to tell you how much I like you, and I don't want you getting that satisfaction."

Once you're done talking, you give him a smile. It's a small, innocent, bittersweet smile. It's one of the smiles you would give out to other girls who were ever mean to you, it's subtle, but it gets the point across.

"So what'll be? Park Jisung." You ask, awaiting a response.

Jisung has many things to think about right now, the most important one being driving. He still has yet to process everything you just told him, let alone figure out what to say.

"I.. don't know what to tell you, y/n." He sighs. "I don't want to hurt you.. Can you give me a few minutes?"

"You can have all the time in the world, sweetheart."

When Jisung finally decides to talk to you once you've reached your destination. If you're going to be honest, it was the most awkward car ride you've been in.

"Okay." He starts, closing his car door. "I know that was way more than a few minutes but I just wanted to tell you this here."

The spot that he had taken you to was a little hill area, on the other side of town. From the top of it you could see the sun set as it's golden rays covered the place you called home. You weren't going to lie, it was beautiful indeed but you didn't care for it at the moment. What you wanted to know was what he was going to say.

"I was.. gonna tell you this here no matter what happened so uh.. Here goes nothing?" There's hesitation, and you can already tell that whatever he was going to tell you was something big. "I'm not here to break your heart, y/n. I know, that's what you thought and probably what everyone else thought too but.. you're different. I know this."

Your brain wants you to call bullshit on that statement but your heart prevents you from doing so. The logical part of you believes that it's probably all a lie, an act just to get you to fall for him. You know this. You know the stories, you've seen the receipts of what he's done to people before you, and you can only assume the things he'll do just to make you fall for him. But if you knew this, then why does it still work?

"Am I really different?" You ask, looking up at him with shaky eyes.

He chuckles.

"Well, yeah. For starters, you're the first girl to ever call me out on my bullshit like that so.." He jokes. "I know.. you're scared. But you shouldn't be." He whispers. "You really are different. I promise."

"Listen, Jisung." You start. "I really want to believe you. It's just hard, because you haven't really given me a reason on why I should."

"That's okay. I understand." He says softly. "I didn't expect you to."

For a second, your heart breaks. It would've continued if he didn't continue talking right then and there.

"But what if I told you all the reasons why you should?" He asks, giving you a shy smile.

"What are they?"

"Well first of all. You're smart. You're smarter than I'll ever be. You've figured me out in what? The span of three months? You don't give yourself enough credit than you deserve. Second of all, you're really passionate about a lot of things. Like that time we argued in the library over the best Stranger Things season? Even though you were wrong, you kept arguing against me."

"Hey!" You exclaim, while Jisung gives you a smile in response.

"Third of all, you're really cute. Don't think I don't notice how your nose scrunches whenever I make a comment you don't like, or how easily you get excited over the simplest things. Remember when we walked to the cafe across the street from school? You got excited because the place had good boba, out of all things. Do you know how ridiculous you sounded?"

"Well- yeah! That's because it was a cafe! And not a boba shop!" You defend.

"I'm kidding." He chuckles. "Also, did you know that whenever you get embarrassed over something not only your cheeks turn pink, but your nose does too."

"You can stop now.. y'know.." You mumble.

"These are just a few things that I like about you, y/n. Do I need to tell you all of them for you to believe me?" He asks, looking at you innocently, as if he didn't just give you the biggest ego boost of all time.

"I believe you." You giggle as he pulls you in for a tight hug.

"Thanks, love." He whispers, placing a light kiss on the top of your head. "Now it's your turn. What were you going to tell me in the car?"

The next hour or so is spent with you two talking about each other, both of you giving out compliments as if there were no tomorrow. If it weren't for the sun being completely gone then you two probably wouldn't have noticed how long you've been alone together.

"Oh my god." Jisung exclaims. "What time is it?"

"Uhm.. Seven fifteen?" You respond, quite confused on why he was suddenly freaking out.

"We have to go, now. They're going to close the doors in like ten minutes."

"Oh. Okay!" You smile, eagerly skipping back to Jisung's car with his hand intertwined with yours. "We better get going then, huh?"

"Y/n said that she might be late because she's with Jisung already." Donghyuck tells Renjun and Chenle once pull up in front of his house.

Renjun had driven both of them together due to them only being a block away from each other. Donghyuck on the other hand was going to drive you, but when you texted him that you were already with Jisung he decided to ask Renjun for a ride. "Sorry for the inconvenience.. by the way." He mumbles, buckling his seat belt.

"It's alright. Where do you think they went?" Renjun asks.

"Hell if I know. This is the most I've seen Jisung do for anyone." Donghyuck retorts, clearly bitter about being ditched by his best friend.

"Should we be worried?" Chenle asks.

"I don't think so." Donghyuck responds. "Y/n is her own person and she can handle herself, plus what the fuck is Jisung even gonna do? They probably went to take pictures or something."

Chenle shrugs. "I guess so. How are you doing then?"

"What do you mean?"

Chenle shrugs again. "You know what I mean. During the time you two fought you barely said anything to each other, it was just her hanging out with Jisung. Then, even after you made up she ditched us to hang out with him and even now they're probably on a date before the dance or something. How are you dealing with it?"

Once Chenle is done talking, Renjun shoots him a glare before hitting him lightly on the back of his head.

"Ouchie.. That hurt!" Chenle whines. "Aren't you supposed to be driving Junnie.~~" He teases.

"Yeah but I'm also trying to make sure no one fucking cries tonight." He hisses. "Why would you even ask that?"

"I dunno. Was curious I guess?"

"Haven't you heard the phrase curiosity killed the cat?"

"It's been alright." Donghyuck says to prevent Renjun from harming Chenle any more. "I haven't really thought about it I guess? I mean.. I was the one who assigned her to Jisung after all so.."

"Do you think she y'know? Likes him?" He asks.

"Chenle!"

"Whaaaat?? I'm just asking."

"Zhong Chenle you will drop this topic before I stop this car and make you walk to homecoming alone."

"You wouldn't do that. You love me too much."

"Don't try me." Renjun threatens, turning on his blinker.

"Okay okay.. god.."

"Are you two done arguing now?" Donghyuck asks, rolling his eyes. "And no, Chenle. I don't think she does. If she did she would've told me by now."

"Alright Hyuck.. Whatever you say."

Sooner than later the three arrive at school where Renjun drops off Chenle and Donghyuck to hop in the line already forming before leaving to park his car.

"Ask any more questions Lele, and you're walking home." Renjun threatens before Chenle slams the car door on him.

"I mean it this time!" Renjun yells as he watches the two boys walk away from him.

"So." Chenle starts as Renjun drives off. "What's your answer?"

Donghyuck gives him a confused look. "Answer?"

"To y'know.. the question."

"I already told you."

"No silly, I meant your real answer."

Donghyuck is silent for a second before he decides to answer.

"How did you know?" He asks, and Chenle giggles.

"You just told me." He laughs. "I didn't think you'd walk into that one, Hyuck."

"Oh shut up." Donghyuck teases. "It's not like it would matter or anything."

"I supposed you're right." Chenle hums. "But if it did.. Then what?"

"Then I'd tell her to get out of there." Donghyuck whispers to himself.

"Hm?"

"Oh- uh, nothing. I dunno." Donghyuck responds. He knows he has no chance in fooling Chenle but even after that response you'd know not to bother him about the topic anymore.

Once Renjun is done parking he meets up with the two boys and they discuss about how their night will go. While the line slowly moves Renjun argues with Chenle that they should take photos first. Chenle argues back saying that he wants snacks and that all the good ones will be gone if they wait too long. While this goes on Donghyuck has been sending you frequent texts.

[hyuck: hey! we're in line now! see you in a bit?]

[hyuck: are you on your way soon?]

[hyuck: pls hurry.. renle fighting.. dk what to do..]

Needless to say, you haven't responded to any one of them, leaving Donghyuck wonder what you were even doing.

After successfully waiting in line and making it through their schools quick security check, Chenle, Renjun, and Donghyuck had finally made it inside the gymnasium where the dance was being held.

Once inside they move to an quieter place, where they could talk without having to yell over the already loud music that's being played.

"What about you Hyuck?" Renjun asks. "What do you want to do first?"

"Hmm? What? Sorry." Donghyuck responds, checking his phone once more before pocketing it. "What's happening?"

Renjun frowns. "You weren't listening, huh?"

"No, sorry." He apologizes. "Y/n hasn't texted me back yet and I don't want to do anything until she gets here y'know?"

"Don't worry Hyuck, it's possible they're still outside or something. They just opened the doors y'know."

"Yeah I know.. I'm just.. yeah."

Ten minutes later, you still haven't responded and the music is loud, but it's not loud enough to drown out Donghyuck's heartbeat as he frantically awaits your arrival. As each second passes by he begins to regret letting you go with Jisung, because you're never late, but the second that he lets Jisung control how your night starts you're ten minutes late and they're be closing the doors to the dance soon.

Renjun begins to notice that you aren't here either and decides walk over to Donghyuck to ask if he knew where you were.

"Hyuck, is Y/n here yet?" He asks, tapping his shoulder lightly.

Donghyuck gives no verbal response, instead he shakes his head while he fiddles with his phone checking back if you happened to text him. "I don't know where she is Junnie.."

"Hey, it's okay." He reassures. "It's not like she's in danger or anything, I know you don't trust Jisung that much but I doubt he'd do anything to hurt her. She'll be here soon, okay? I promise."

"Junnie~~" Chenle whines, popping up from behind them. "I'm boredddd. Can't we just do something already?"

"Lele, not now." Renjun shoos. "We're talking here."

"It's okay." Donghyuck says. "You guys can go do something, it's fine. I don't want to keep you from having fun tonight."

"Are you sure?" Renjun asks, he knows not to believe Donghyuck but he's getting quite annoyed at the fact that Chenle keeps pulling at his arm.

"Yeah. It's fine, if anything happens I'll text one of you."

"You heard him!! Let's go!!" Chenle exclaims before grabbing Renjun by the arm to drag him to god knows where.

"Chenle!" Renjun yelps. "I-I'll text you Hyuck! We won't be gone for long. I swear!" He yells back at him.

And then the two were gone. Leaving Donghyuck alone, by himself.

One of the worst feelings in the world is feeling alone, in a place full of people.

He doesn't know why he let them go off without him, maybe it's because he wanted to be alone, or maybe it's because he didn't know any better. But standing alone on the sides of a school dance, with no one to talk to really shows how lonely you are. He knows none of you meant to do it to him on purpose, it's just him overthinking things after all. But if he was okay with them leaving, then why did it hurt?

Deciding it was awkward enough to just stand there and people watch, Donghyuck decides to go back on his phone. He checks your text messages only to see no response. "Great." He thinks to himself. "You said you would be here, but you're not. I guess you did spend a lot of time with them after all."

Donghyuck feels himself about to cry when someone taps his shoulder. He closes his eyes trying to fight back the few tears that threaten to spill before having to talk to whoever was with him. He didn't want to answer any questions on why he was crying, only knowing that if someone asked him if he was okay he wouldn't be able to control them.

When Donghyuck looks up from his phone, the last person he expected to see is standing in front of him.

"Hi." Jeno greets. It's short, and airy. But it's just enough to get his heart racing. Is it from fear? Worry? Or is it from the fact that his ex, just so happened to catch him at the wrong place and wrong time.

"Hi." Donghyuck responds. It doesn't mean much because he didn't put any emotion into it, instead he decides to focus his attention elsewhere. He looks past Jeno towards the entrance of the gymnasium in hopes of seeing you walk in, spoiler alert, you didn't. "Chenle and Renjun picked the worst time to leave.." He thinks to himself. "I can't blame them though, after all I did tell them it was okay."

"You um- You look beautiful." Jeno compliments, giving Donghyuck a half-hearted smile. "So I've been told.." Donghyuck murmurs before attempting to push past the boy standing in front of him. "Listen. I don't have any time for this right now. Y/n said she would be here and she's not so-"

"Hyuck- Donghyuck, wait." Jeno starts, grabbing Donghyuck's wrist to prevent him from going any further.

"What the fuck? Let go of me!" He yells. It's loud enough to get the attention of a few people around him, but the music the DJ is playing is way to loud for them to have heard what he said.

"Hyuckie, I- Will you please let me explain?" Jeno practically begs, this is the first time that he and Donghyuck have interacted in person since the break up and he can already tell that he's blowing it.

"Don't- Don't call me that." Donghyuck states, hesitant to answer. "You've already explained yourself enough."

"Hyuckie.. Please. We haven't talked in months, you haven't let me say anything."

Of course, Jeno had to find Donghyuck in one of these moments, where one of their songs was being played by the DJ. It was one of the songs that Jeno had showed him, meaning it left such a big impact on his heart. He doesn't know what to do, does he accept Jeno's offer and let him explain? Or does he continue the rest of his high school career pretending that Jeno doesn't exist, leaving many questions unanswered.

Panic starts to fill Donghyuck as he looks around to see if anyone had noticed him and Jeno together. It would cause a bunch of talk, considering that fact that they were both pretty popular and that teenagers loved to start rumors.

He notices Jaemin as he spots Jeno from across the room, by the way Jaemin is walking towards them he can tell that he was looking for Jeno himself, clearly unhappy and very confused where he found him. He glances back at the entrance for a split second before looking towards the direction that his two friends had gone off in, only to see them walking back towards him, just as confused as Jaemin is. He can see the concern rise in Renjun once he sees who Donghyuck is with, as he grabs Chenle's arm to drag him across the makeshift dance floor that their school has created, where Chenle had decided to stop to talk to a few friends.

He looks back towards the entrance and to his luck he sees you and Jisung walk in. Thankful, he lets out a sigh of relief because he sees that you're here and that you're safe. He notices the smile that you have on your face and though he was a bit far away he can tell it's a genuine smile, like one of the one's you would show him when it was just you two hanging out. "I guess I worried for nothing." He thinks to himself, as he watches you two skip in, hands intertwined.

And amongst all this commotion happening at once, his ex, out of all people had to come up to him and ask him a question he knew he wouldn't be able to answer. So what does he do? He panics, of course.

"Oh my fucking god.." Donghyuck mumbles to no one in particular. Jeno seems to hear it but he doesn't process it because he's too busy being dragged by Donghyuck who was attempting to blend in with the big group of people who happened to pass by.

When Renjun, Chenle, and Jaemin end up where Donghyuck and Jeno were previously standing they're left more confused on where the two went. Though it's loud, Donghyuck manages to pick out Renjun's voice yell "What the fuck?" over a crowd of teenagers.

Donghyuck smiles to himself, knowing that he successfully got away. He didn't think it'd work, he'd only seen it in movies before and you know what people say, it's just movie magic after all.

"Where are we going?" Jeno asks innocently.

"Outside." Donghyuck responds, leading their way towards the "exit" sign on the other side of the gymnasium.

"Why?" Jeno asks once more, and Donghyuck turns around just to shoot him a glare.

"So no one. fucking. sees us." He grits through his teeth.

Needless to say, Jeno doesn't ask any more questions after that.

"Where is everyone?" You ask Jisung through the fit of giggles you let out.

"I dunno. Jeno isn't answering his phone so I'll call Jaemin, yeah?" He responds, just as giddy as you are.

"Oh, I was talking about Renjun, Chenle, and Hyuck."

"You can hang with us for a bit!" Jisung insists.

"I know but I haven't seen them all day." You pout. "I'll hang out with you after!! Besides, they're my best friends after all. How would you feel if I took you away from Jeno and Jaemin?"

"My dear you're allowed to do that any day of the week. I like you better than them anyways." He teases.

"Oh shut up. You know what I meant." You snort. "Can we just go find them please?"

"Yeah, hold on- Hi Jaemin!" Jisung says through his phone. "What? Sorry.. I can't really hear you. Is that Renjun? Why is he yelling at you?"

Your ears perk up hearing the name of your friend leave Jisung's mouth. "Renjun?" You ask, looking at him curious. "Are they okay?"

Jisung nods at you while trying to hear what Jaemin has to say, it's hard considering the fact that there's not only loud music coming from his phone speakers but the voice of an angry boy as well, and to add onto that, the same music being played just a couple feet away from you.

Pouting, you look at him. Jisung can tell you're worried about your friends by the way that your pupils shake as he pulls you into another tight hug, hoping to ease a bit of the worry.

From then you can kind of make out the conversation on the phone, it's something about Jeno and Donghyuck being together then suddenly disappearing out of thin air, like a magic trick.

"Where are you?" Jisung asks.

"We're in one of the back corners." Jaemin yells through his phone. "The uhh.. One on the right, your left."

"Okay. We're on our way." Jisung says before hanging up.

"I guess our night of fun had to end somewhere." He tells you before you two head further into the gymnasium to meet up with your friends.

Once you meet up with the three boys you're greeted with a hug from Chenle while you watch as Renjun and Jaemin argue.

"So they were right here?" You ask tapping Renjun's shoulder.

"Yeah. And then all of a sudden they disappeared." He says, quite frantically.

"Y'know worrying isn't going to do anything." Jaemin taunts.

"Yeah! And you making snarky comments doesn't help either!" Renjun shoots back.

"Can you two stop bickering a second?" Chenle snaps, surprising all of you. "We have no idea where the fuck they went and for the past five minutes all you two have done is argue? Why haven't we checked anywhere yet?"

"Because, Lele. They could be anywhere. We're in a room full of teenagers." Renjun states.

"For once, I agree with this one." Jaemin adds on, earning a glare from Renjun and a facepalm from Jisung.

"Okay? And? Have you ever thought about the fact that they could y'know, be outside?" Chenle asks.

"Why would they be outside?" You ask.

"Because it's loud in here, and it looked like they wanted to talk."

"So.." Jeno says, swinging his legs back and forth. He was currently seated on top of one of the picnic tables your school had, while Donghyuck was standing across from him, leaning against the corner of a wall.

"You said you would explain, so explain." Donghyuck states.

Jeno takes a deep breath as he stops swinging his legs, he looks at the ground before looking up towards Donghyuck who was already looking at him, clearly annoyed at the fact that Jeno was stalling.

"It was a dare." He starts, before Donghyuck cuts him off.

"Yes I know. We all know." He spits.

"But theres more." Jeno says once again. "As you know, Jisung dared me to ask you out and me, being the asshole I was back then, I agreed and decided to do so.." He pauses for a second. Trying to think of what to say next.

"Listen are you gonna keep stopping or are you going to tell the story?" Donghyuck comments, it's only been two minutes and he's already fed up with Jeno's bullshit.

"I am. I'm just trying to think about the right words to say."

"Why? So that I can fall back in love with you?"

"No, Hyuckie-"

"I said, don't call me that."

"Why?"

"Because Jeno!" Donghyuck yells, voice cracking as he tries to control the same tears from earlier from falling. "I am still in love with you! Each time I hear you say that stupid nickname my heart does leaps and I can't fucking stop it!"

His voice is loud enough for you to figure out where he is, and while the other students outside look around trying to find out what's going on, both you and Renjun take off running towards the sound of Donghyuck's voice.

Arriving in time to hear Donghyuck finish the last words of his sentence he can't tell if he's hurt or if he's relieved to see you. A sense of relief washes over him once he spots you, Renjun, and Chenle running in his direction. But then he sees Jisung and Jaemin, not that far behind you three, and he feels hurt, betrayed to say the most.

"So this is why you asked me, huh?" He scoffs, looking at Jeno with glossy eyes. "So you and your friends can get a little more enjoyment of my misery."

"Hyuckie- I-" Jeno starts.

"Save it. I don't ever want to hear from you again, Jeno. I can't believe I even believed you would tell me the truth."

Nothing more is said as Donghyuck walks away from all of you, and Jaemin and Jisung run towards Jeno. It's quiet, despite there being the sounds of the muffled music that's only being played from a hallway away, it feels like a horror movie with the unsettling silence between all of you.

Renjun is the first one to talk. His voice not only startles you, but grabs the attention of Jeno, Jisung, and Jaemin who happened to be a few feet in front of you.

"What the fuck happened?" He asks, looking at Jeno in the eye.

"I wanted to tell him that I'm sorry.. and that I missed things the way they were.." Jeno says, voice barely above a whisper.

Both you and Chenle can tell that Renjun is about to start yelling and if someone doesn't stop him now then fists will be thrown. Renjun is about to start talking again when Chenle interupts him.

"Junnie." He says softly, placing a hand on his shoulder. "It's not worth it. Let's just go find Hyuck, okay?" He eases.

Renjun takes a second to sigh and relaxes before deciding to head off with Chenle, he know's it'll only make things worse but he really wants to tell the three boys off and possibly throw a punch or two. "It's okay.." Chenle coos at him.

"Y/n, are you coming?" He asks, looking back at you.

"Uhh.. Yeah. Just give me a second. I'll meet up with you in a bit, okay? Just text me where you are." You say quickly before glancing over at Jeno and his crew.

Chenle looks at you, confused on why you were looking at Jeno. It only takes him a second to realize what you were doing before he walks off with a hesitant nod. "Um.. Okay.. Just uh, don't be long. I know Hyuck wanted to see you."

"Thanks Lele. You're the best." You say, before talking off towards Jeno.

"Lee Jeno." You state, standing where Donghyuck previously was. You earn a few glances from Jisung and Jaemin, ask if they were asking each other why you were here and how long you've been there. It's not because they were doing anything bad or wrong, it's because of the fact that they were caught being nice and genuine to one of their friends, something that barely anyone has seen before.

"Y/n." Jeno sniffs, trying his best to wipe away the tears that had managed to leak out. "What are- What are you doing here?"

"Save it." You say, walking towards him. You push Jaemin away as you take a seat on top of the table next to him. It earns you a glare from Jaemin, but you shrug it off and ignore him once he start's complaining that you stole his spot.

"Just- Just tell me everything." You sigh, awaiting a response from the boy next to you.

Jaemin shoots you another look before Jisung walks away with him, knowing this should be a private conversation. They don't go far though, just out of earshot.

"This is my fault." He starts. "If I just continued letting him hate me, then I wouldn't have hurt him like that.."

"It's not your fault, you just wanted to explain things. Do you want to tell me what you were going to tell him? Or is that too personal?" You ask.

Jeno is hesitant to answer. His first initial thought is no, but as the seconds go by his answer changes to yes.

"Start from the top. What happened?" You ask.

You're gentle, and being patient with him. It's something that he's thankful for. It's also something that reminds him of Donghyuck, because whenever the two of them had disagreements Donghyuck would always wait for Jeno to explain, this was the first time he hadn't.

"Okay well.." Jeno sniffs. "If you didn't already know.. Donghyuck and I used to date. Our relationship started off from a dare but as our months together passed by I began to enjoy his company a little bit more. I don't know what it was, and if you asked me I wouldn't be able to tell you but there was just something about him that I ended up liking. Maybe it's the way that his hair flopped on his face each time he ran up to me, or maybe it's because of how tightly he hugged me and how gentle his kisses were, but it was something." He pauses for a second, reliving through a few memories. "I ended up catching feelings.. and as soon as I figured out that I did, he found out how we got together."

"Oh." You sigh, not looking at him.

"I was going to tell him that I meant everything I told him.. All the 'I love you's' and the 'You look beautiful's' but he just wouldn't let me talk.. And then you guys came and that just- that only made things worse.. and now- god.. now he's gone. He said he never wants to see me again."

"I'm sorry, Jeno. It's my fault." You say softly, taking all the blame. "I'm the one who brought everyone here, if it weren't for me then you probably would be talking to him right now."

"It's okay." He reassures. "It's not your fault.. You just wanted to help your friend. I'm sure it would've gone poorly even if you weren't here."

"I doubt that's true."

"Are you kidding me y/n? He hates me! And he the worst part of it is that he has every right to do so.."

"I didn't know people who hated each other confess to each other about still liking one another." You joke, hoping to earn a laugh from Jeno. "Besides, it's not like you won't see each other again. You still have time to make things better, plus you have me on your side."

"My side?" Jeno asks.

"Well yeah. You still like him don't you?"

Jeno sighs, he's lucky you aren't paying that much attention to him because if you did you would've noticed the way he looked at Jisung and how it hurt him more to let you keep going on like this. Nonetheless he lets it happen and he wonders if he really does deserve your help.

"You're too good, y/n."

[oldsoldierr]

The Carnation ~ Part 2

summary: the media always told you that the famous art critic bucky barnes is an arrogant, rude playboy and you agree, but something still draws you to him. is there a deeper reason to why he acts the way he does or is he the class A jackass you first met?

art critic!bucky x artist!reader

word count: about 2.1k

series masterlist ~ part 1

After your startling realization that you just might have a crush on a certain Bucky Barnes, you tried your best to just ignore it. You told yourself that your feelings would go away after not seeing him for the rest of your life. You just assumed that after he left that day it would be the end of it. 

But then he did the worst thing you could’ve possibly imagined. He came back to the studio. Everyday in fact. You had never known someone so frustrating. 

Every day he’d come in, insult something, and sit on whichever side of you wasn’t occupied by Steve. Bucky would just sit there annoying you for however long he was there, occasionally walking over to Sharon’s area or making conversation with Steve. How did this busy man always find time to be the worst?

One time after a particularly rough day, you complained, “Why won’t you just sit by Steve?” He just smiled at you innocently.

“Well, how’m I supposed to bother you when you’re a whole seat away from me?” You stared at him blankly for a good 5 minutes. You lost 12 brain cells that day.

You decided you’d need a new plan once you realized he actually wasn’t going anywhere. After considering hiring some pest patrol or just hitting him with a brush you decided on just trying to avoid him.

It’s too bad that it was near impossible because, not only did he insist on moving seats to wherever you moved, but after a couple of weeks of Bucky coming to the art studio, Steve had to leave town for some business meetings.

“It’s gonna be fine!” Steve insisted. 

Your car reached the airport.

“You guys know each other well enough to be by yourselves for two weeks.”

“I do not! We’re barely acquaintances! All he does in the studio is bother me or flirt,” you retorted. “I legitimately don’t think he’s picked one pencil up since he first started coming.”

“That’s not true! He picked up a pencil once to throw it at you,” he pointed out. You barked out a laugh.

“Really helping your case here,” you said sarcastically.

“Hey,” Steve looked at you and squeezed your shoulder reassuringly. “It’s gonna be okay.” You took a deep breath.

“I really hope so.” You gave the blonde a nervous smile. 

“Anyways, I don’t matter right now. Go be amazing at your meeting and when you get the client you have to give me half the money!” You changed the subject.

“Fuck no!” Steve laughed. You continued to chat as you parked the car and began helping Steve get out his luggage. With each second the realization that you weren’t going to see Steve for 14 days hit you harder. Once his suitcases were all out you gave him a bittersweet look.

“I’m really gonna miss you.” You engulfed him in a hug. He hugged back.

“It’s only for two weeks and I’ll call you,” he soothed. You pulled away and rocked back and forth on your heels.

“You promise?” The blonde chuckled.

“Mhm, I’ll even pinky promise,” he said with a teasing smile. You gave him a faux pout.

“You’re mean. I change my mind. I’m not gonna miss you.” You jokingly walked away but you knew you were only trying to delay him leaving. Steve caught on.

“Well, I gotta go now y/n/n,” he said. You sighed.

“I know…” You acknowledged sadly but didn’t show your true emotions for long.

“Good luck! Go kick ass!” You continued with forced excitement.

He put his hands on each side of your shoulders. 

“It’s really gonna be okay,” he assured. He turned around and started walking to the airport.

You nodded as Steve left. But your smile dropped as soon as you were out of his view. Steve had been your only friend since you moved to Brooklyn and had never been without him this long. You massaged the bridge of your nose.

How the fuck am I gonna survive this?

~~~

If you’re being honest, your drive back was rather depressing. You didn’t even bother turning on the radio. You just drove with a tight expression on your face trying to make your anxieties go away, but they just wouldn’t stop. Your brain was pounding. 

You had sulk-driven in silence around a third of the way back without even noticing. That’s when you felt your phone vibrate and the familiar chiming ringtone of a call. 

You glanced down quickly at the screen to see an unknown number. You thought about just ignoring it since you got spam often and you know, you were driving. It probably would’ve been the wiser thing to do but you were bored and miserable so you thought, what the hell. You heard the beep as you pressed the accept call button.

“Hello?” You half expected to get an automated message telling you that you had won an amazon gift card and that you needed to tell them your credit card number immediately. Instead, it was a rich, deep voice you had heard far too many times before.

“Hey y/n,” Your eyes widened so much you were afraid they might fall out.

“Bucky?” you choked out. You could practically see his smug little face.

“Yes ma’am,” he replied obediently. There was an unending amount of thoughts swirling through your head faster than you could calculate. The first question that entered your mind was, “How did you get this number?” Something rustled from the other end before bucky responded.

“I hacked into your phone and took it,” He said sarcastically. You raised your eyebrows.

“Haha, very funny. But seriously, did Steve give it to you?” Bucky hesitated and answered.

“Yeah.--” He selected his words with caution. “--...he thought you might need some company.” From the deliberate phrasing he chose, you deduced that Steve had told him about you being a lonely fuck. You internally groaned.

“S’ one way to put it,” you mumbled.  “Thank you for your consideration but I don’t feel like being pitied right now.” Bucky fake laughed.

“Like I’d ever pity you,” he said like it was a hilarious joke. 

“It’s more babysitting.” You suddenly remembered you were talking to Bucky Barnes and bit your lip in exasperation. 

“Fuck you, Bucky,” you snapped back. You knew you had made a mistake far too late.

“Only if you want me too,” he sang back, overjoyed at the opportunity to make the joke.

You threatened, “I will hang up your ass faster than you can say pumpkin pie is the worst pie.” The brunette fucking laughed.

“Mmm, so first of all, it’s not, it’s the best thing on earth, and second, then why haven’t you hung up yet?” You didn’t really have an answer to give him that wasn’t “I love your voice and I want to kiss you”. You swiftly came up with an excuse.

“Cause I need to drive idiot.”

More noise erupted from Bucky’s side. Your eyes narrowed, confused.

“Where are you right now? It sounds like a zoo on your end.” You heard the brunette talking to someone before he returned to you.

“Hmm? Oh, I’m at an art museum.” You scrunched your brows together. What’s he doing at an art museum at 11:30pm? You wondered. You felt like you had heard something about this before, but couldn’t put your finger on it. Another couple seconds of idle insults were held between the two of you. Then, as if to answer you you hear someone distantly say, “Thank you for coming to the Party in the Garden, please take a…” You gasp. That’s what you were trying to remember! 

“You’re at the fucking biggest MoMA fundraiser of the year and you’re talking to me? You’re so much dumber than I thought you were.” This man was truly unbelievable. But you had to admit it did feel nice that he was blowing off the party for you. 

“There are some really important people there, what are you doing on your phone?” you scolded. He hummed in response.

“In my defense, it’s kind of your fault I’m on my phone.” Bucky pointed out.

“I-- wh-” you stuttered at this guy’s nerve. “How is it my fault? You called me!”

“Yeah cause you don’t have any friends. That’s why Steve made me call you, right?” Bucky sneered. From his tone, it seemed like he realized how much that hurt you. This fucking man. Your voice rose.

“Oh, I don’t have any friends? Like you can talk, the person with only fake friends.” You said defensively. “None of them actually like you, they like your status, you know,”  You snapped in return. By his silence, clearly you had struck a chord with him. This conversation went from 1 to 100 real quick. He grunted.

“At least I even have fake friends. Do YOU have any? Oh that's right, you don’t, you’re all. fucking. Alone. And I don’t doubt for a minute that you deserve it,” he bit back. Oh, he was gonna be like that. You scoffed before going off.

“Oh I deserve it? Look at yourself. You always pretend you’re the best, walk around like you're royalty. Well, I’ve seen how you really are, you aren’t worth a damn thing.” Bucky went to interrupt but you weren’t done. “You’re an insecure, cowardly bitch who insults others to make yourself feel better about yourself. Do you wanna know what people say behind your back? They say you’re annoying and arrogant. A selfish ass playboy who doesn’t deserve a fucking thing he gets, goddamn cuck,” You exploded, taking a deep breath. 

There were so many emotions rocking around your head it was getting hard to think clearly. Cars beeped at you as you began to drift. The phone was silent before Bucky spoke again. It was surprisingly quiet and vulnerable.

“That’s what you think?” You realized what you had said.

“I-- no-I didn’t--” This time he cut you off.

“It’s fine,” he replied sharply. “I understand--” He let out a breath. 

“I won’t bother you again.” 

“No, wait--!” With a loud beep, the line went dead. 

You groaned. 

Shit. 

You hit your hand on the dashboard. 

Stupid, stupid, you scolded yourself.

You tried to make excuses for saying those things but you couldn’t. Most of them weren’t even true. You felt like a monster.  You yelled in frustration. You couldn’t even call anyone to talk about it. Steve was on a plane and your other friends were asleep in your hometown. You wished you had never answered that call. You wished you hadn’t been such an idiot. 

The rest of the ride back felt even colder than it had beforehand. The busy city of Brooklyn passed you by. The lights and the noise you had dreamed about as a kid felt dull and melancholic. 

Fuck the American dream. 

You arrived at your apartment around an hour later. You pulled up in front of the building and walked up to your floor like there was a pile of bricks on your back. You fiddled with your keys before finding the right one and walked inside your apartment. You collapsed onto the couch and screamed into a cushion. 

I should call him back and apologize, you thought. But from the little time you spent with Bucky Barnes, you knew he didn’t forgive that easily. 

How did this all go to shit so fast? Your conversation had started so nicely. Maybe even playfully flirty if you squinted.

You didn’t get a chance to wallow in your self-pity for long as your phone rang again for the second time that night. You grabbed hopefully at the phone thinking it might be Bucky, but it wasn’t. Your wishful thinking seemed it was just that cause it was another random number.

You placed it face down back on the couch and let it ring out. For half a minute the ringtone that you began to resent sang it’s melody. You didn’t have the heart to stop it though, as it went to voicemail. You were planning on completely ignoring it but your conscience wouldn’t let you. What if it was important?

You sighed as you unlocked your phone and clicked on the play button on the voicemail. As the person on the other side kept speaking, you felt like your heart was going further into your throat. You couldn’t breathe and your hands shook.

“Ms. y/l/n, this is NYU Langone Health, you need to come to the hospital as soon as possible. James Buchanan Barnes has been in an accident.”

writing this series is pretty fun but i miss going outside and seeing real people :’)

series masterlist

[omfgtrump]

“What a long, Strange Trip It’s Been”

The Don’s banishment to Mar-a-Lago and on Twitter has created a welcomed silence. Yes, he is going to do everything he can to stay relevant and make as much noise as possible. His battle with Mitch McConnell for the soul of the Republican Party will ramp up. Let me stop there. How can two people without souls fight over the soul of anything?

What I am trying to say here, is that this is the time for me to hit the exit ramp. This will the last piece of OMFG.

Is that a wince I hear? A collective sigh? A Thank God, as finally, the guy has found a way to separate from demon Don?

To my readers, I implore you: Please don’t do anything drastic, as I don’t want to have to carry another burden.

For many, The Don’s loss of the election and banishment has been sort of an exorcism. (if you at some point you spewed green bile, don’t worry, as it was a natural biological process that helped cleanse you of all the poison you absorbed).

As you can tell from my writings, I have had my own obsession with The Don. During these past 4 years, he has inhabited my daily life like an aching tooth. I watched way too much news. I raved and ranted. I used the phrases “Is this outrageous, or what?” and “Can you believe this shit” as often as “Hey, how are you?”.

My co-workers saw me coming and walked the other way. My wife told me if I didn’t shut up about The Don she would leave me. (Well, that’s not exactly true, but I’m sure it crossed her mind!)

Thank God for this blog. I don’t know how I would have survived without it.

As the Grateful Dead sing in ‘Truckin’: What a long, strange trip it’s been.

Two impeachments, a Russia investigation, an insurrection-yes, an insurrection cause by the “Big Lie” that the election was stolen and that Joe Biden was not a legitimate president, “shit hole” countries, “good people on both sides,” separation of children from their families, a Muslim ban, attacks on the LGBT community, violations of the Emoluments Clause, endless lies, levels of corruption unseen in the history of the presidency, embracing of White Supremacists, deregulating of environmental policy, fake news, the press as the enemy, the promulgation of conspiracy theories- the emergence of QAnon, dismantling of government agencies, using the Department of Justice for his own means, a level of sociopathy and malignant narcissism never seen in the White House and a wannabe demagogue who did everything he could to dismantle our democracy. Did I leave anything out?

His handling and politicizing of the pandemic, which has caused an unfathomable 500,000 deaths to date, was the result of a genocide of neglect that has caused inconceivable suffering. In a fair and just world, he should be prosecuted for his heinous inaction and promotion of false narratives and complicity in the unnecessary death of tens of thousands.  

Witnessing the competence and transparency of the Biden administration has created hope in me. A world in which the pandemic is under control, the economy rebounds, issues of social justice are faced head on and policy that reflects the need to genuinely address inequality and institutional racism seems possible. A humane plan and path to citizenship for Dreamers and other immigrants seems more reachable.

Climate change, the defining and existential issue of our time and the world’s future, is finally front and center.

How we confront the increasing polarization and rise of domestic terrorism is a daunting challenge. How we ensure voting rights are protected in the face of egregious attempts to thwart them is a battle over whether we remain a country that is represented “by the people and for the people.”

So much work needs to be done. We can not rest. We must resist the temptation toward complacency. We need truth, honesty and kindness to be our guiding forces.

It feels so strange to be writing these last words. During the 4 years of this blog, I wrote 244 pieces and people from over 100 countries visited it. (Even from Russia and China!) I so much appreciate the time you spent reading. I hope I was able to make you laugh (or cry) about the absurdities of what we all endured and lived through. I hope my perspective created new insights and ways of thinking about The Don and his psychology.

Some may be wondering what I look like so I will pull up the curtain and reveal myself.

Others may be wondering what new project awaits me. Frankly, who the hell knows, but writers must write, so I’ll wait for it to reveal itself.

I want to give a special shout out to the unsung superstar of the blog, Jinnifer Douglass, who was responsible for the design and creating all the amazing photos. She is a wizard. There was nothing I asked her to concoct that she could not create. When I would receive her email stating “All set,” I would click on the site and break out into a smile or outright laughter, marveling at the photos. And for those of you who skipped the writing and just reveled in the photos I forgive you. As they say, sometimes a picture is worth a 1,000 words.

Also, thanks for your comments and acknowledgements along the way. Anyone out there that wants to write me a goodbye note (a love letter?) I welcome it. Be well and fight the power.

Thanks for joining me on this crazy journey as “What a strange trip it’s been.”

And one more thing: The Supreme Court voted 9-0 to allow his taxes to be released. So Don, maybe they’ll take some of the tax money you owe to build a wall on the golf course and turn it into a prison!

And now for one of my favorite photos:

Note from Jinnifer: It has been an insane past 4 years. Working on this project with Jerry was equal parts horrifying and hilarious; every week it was something new (and then some). Putting together these pieces of Photoshop satire brought me an absurd kind of joy. I am sad that this blog has come to its end, but I am glad that the mechanism which portended it was our very own democratic process at work. Jerry usually wrote roughly about 1 article a week, and each article had around 4 custom pieces in it- meaning I have created over 800 works of factual farce in our time working together. Some days it feels like we just started this blog yesterday, and other times it feels like 20 years ago. Truly a bittersweet undertaking, but one I am proud to have been able to contribute to. I know Jerry’s next creative venture, whatever it may be, will be pointed and, no doubt, funny to boot. Here are some of my favorite photos, 1 for each year of his, well, whatever you want to call it!

2017

2018

2019

2020

At the time we started this project, web developing was my main profession, but in the years that have since passed I have decided to focus more on my (decidedly more serious, haha) photography work. If you’re interested in checking it out, I’d be grateful if you’d stop by http://www.jinyc-photo.com

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[a-night-at-the-0pera]

Stress Relief, Part 4

PART 1, PART 2, PART 3, Chapter Playlists

Pairing: College!Joe Mazzello x Reader

Summary: The start of senior year of college is usually full of bittersweet moments, but returning to campus without your best friend by your side is as bitter as the burnt dining hall coffee. With Joe busy with orientation activities and you unsure about what you want, it is hard to tell whether this last year of college will get off to the right foot, and if the two of you can repair your relationship. 

Warnings: BIG EMO ANGST (sorry, but it had to happen), alcohol consumption, some smut (18+ please!), fluff fluff fluff

Word Count: 10.4k

Author’s Note: Thank you all for waiting so patiently for this final chapter in the series! The past few weeks have taken a lot out of me, but I’m excited to share this last piece of the story with you. I’m honestly sad it’s over! I’ve sort of fallen in love with Joe and Y/N myself, and I’ll miss writing their dumbass adventures. I hope you all like this last chapter. Thank you for coming on this ride with me! I’ve been floored at every turn by how much people like this story, and I am so grateful for you all. As always, special shoutouts to @sweet-ladyy, @denimmay, and @o-holynight for being talented people and amazing friends...without you guys and your love, I honestly don’t know if I would have had the energy to finish this story. And, of course, thank you to @o-holynight, my graphic design queen, for the beautiful moodboard! Comments and reblogs are always appreciated! I love to hear what you all think! <3

~~~~~~~~~

To say you are restless is an understatement. It is 2am and you are wide awake, trying to not think about the alarm set on your phone for a bright and early 8am wake-up call. The car downstairs is packed, crammed full of boxes and bags, ready for the drive back to college. You even have an outfit for tomorrow all laid out, the comfy pair of shorts and soft t-shirt folded nicely on the chair in the corner. It’s not like this is your first rodeo. After all, tomorrow is the start of senior year. Shouldn’t you feel like a professional at this by now?

You roll over onto your stomach, grabbing your phone from the bedside table and unlocking it. Instinctively opening Snapchat, you scroll to the Discover page and click on the first little Story circle at the top, the screen flashing snapshots of the past 24 hours in your friends’ lives. Mara is watching Dirty Dancing with her sisters. Dylan is at his band’s last concert of the summer. Wren is already back on campus and unpacking their stuff, rocking out to their latest Spotify playlist. Sage’s story is punctuated with giggles, showing her mom attempting to roll a joint, captioned “last night in Colorado.” You smile to yourself, feeling your pre-move-in anxiety beginning to fade a little, replaced with excitement to see your friends again.

Until you reach his story. 

Joe’s face fills your screen, surrounded by a swarm of eager, smiling freshmen, all cheering and laughing. “I met these kiddos today but I would already die for all of them,” the caption says, cutting off a few millimeters of the cute orientation Geotag in the corner. Your heart pangs seeing him smile, even in his goofy orientation leader uniform. Especially in his goofy orientation leader uniform. And, on second inspection of the snap, you notice that Joe has a mustache, too. That’s new. A not-so-subtle reminder of the fact that you have barely seen his face in over a month. Your finger hovers over the screen, debating whether or not you should reply to the video clip. It is really cute, and you could send some innocuous message about the new kids or something. Or you could roast Joe on his new facial hair.  

Honestly, all you want is a response. Ever since your visit to New York, you and Joe have barely talked. No more dumb comments on each other’s summer Instagram posts. No more midnight FaceTime calls. Just a handful of Snapchats and texts, most opened and never answered. The lack of communication, quite honestly, is killing you, but you know that it’s all your fault. You’re the one who built the walls.

Fuck it, it can’t hurt to send him the message. The worst that can happen is that he opens it and doesn’t respond, and at this point, you’re used to that. You swipe up, typing in the little grey chat bar.

omg look at the babies!!! can’t wait to meet them!

It’s wishful thinking to expect a reply, especially at this hour, so you double-check your alarm and place your phone on the nightstand again, fidgeting to find a comfortable position on your mattress. Your eyes are just starting to drift shut when your phone dings, causing your eyes to fly open again. It can’t be. You snatch up your phone, nearly knocking over the water bottle on the table.

Snapchat from Joseph Francis.

It’s almost embarrassing how fast your heart is beating as you swipe open the notification, refreshing the page to load the message. The little blue speech bubble pops up, indicating a typed response instead of a picture. Okay, cool.

Haha yeah, they’re great

Definitely a lackluster response, but still something. You quickly type out another message, hoping that maybe you can start an actual conversation.

Why are you up so late?

You keep the app open, eager to see if Joe will respond again. After a minute, the little dots appear.

Orientation activities

I could ask you the same thing

Again, weirdly succinct for how Joe usually texts, but at least he is texting. Your fingers fly across the keyboard once again.

Guess I’m a little anxious about move-in tomorrow…I mean, it’s senior year, just one year left with everyone. But I’m also excited because I get to see you tomorrow! You’re living in Kennedy again, right?

The little dots immediately spring up, but disappear again after a few moments. You can see that he’s thinking about how to respond, and the waiting is excruciating.

“Come on, Joe, say something,” you whisper aloud to yourself, chewing anxiously on your lip.

Yep, Kennedy again…they renovated the bathrooms this summer, it’s really nice

That’s awesome! Well, I’ll be in Stafford, so we’ll be just across the green from each other. I’m getting to campus around noon tomorrow…after I move my shit in, maybe I could swing by your room to say hi?

Ordinarily, you’d cringe at your paragraph texting, but you are so desperate to talk to Joe that you don’t even care. The little dots pop up again, just for a second or two.

I’m busy, but I’m sure we’ll see each other around

Your heart twinges a little at that message. It is just so…dismissive? Flippant? You know he isn’t lying, since being an OL means he’s busy all the time until classes start, but it feels like he doesn’t want to make time for you.

“Well, even if you aren’t gonna make an effort,” you mutter, “I will.”

For sure! I’ll find you tomorrow somehow…probably by following a pack of lost freshies lmao

Joe’s response is a singular thumbs-up emoji. How can you even respond to that? With that one little picture, he’s basically told you he’s done talking. You sigh, closing the app and placing the phone on your nightstand again. For the first time that evening, a wave of exhaustion washes over you, although whether that’s from genuine tiredness or from trying to interact with Joe is hard to say. You yawn, snuggling into your pillow. Senior year may already be off to a rocky start, but that is definitely a tomorrow problem.

* * *

“I think that’s the last of them,” you pant, wiping a few beads of sweat from your forehead as you straighten up. The friendly sophomore who volunteered to help you puts the box she’s carrying on your bare mattress with a little grunt, turning to you with a smile.

“Well, if you need any more help, let me know! I live just down the hall.”

You smile back at her, “You really are an angel for helping me move in. You’re the RA for this floor, right?”

“Yep,” she nods, pointing at the plastic nametag dangling from the lanyard around her neck, “Kiera, Room 321, at your service!”

“How do you feel about being a sophomore in a building full of seniors?” you ask, beginning to unpack your clothes.

“A little nervous, if I’m honest,” she says softly, “you guys are all cool and smart and I’m just some dorky sophomore who’s job it is to make sure that you all don’t die.”

“Well, I promise that I won’t die on you,” you giggle, “and everyone I know who is living on this floor is pretty chill. I think the worst thing you’ll have to keep an eye out for is a repeat incident of the Walden Shitter.”

“The uh…the what?” Kiera asks, her eyes widening in confusion.

“My freshman year, there was a student who kept…relieving themselves in buckets and leaving said buckets all over Walden Hall. It was disgusting.”

“Did they ever catch them?” the RA squeaks out.

“Nah,” you giggle, “but they did send a hilarious email to the entire campus, and the Shitter was dormant after that. They’ve probably graduated by now. Unless, of course, the Shitter is in my class. Then they could even be living here in Stafford!”

Kiera stares at you, unsure if you’re joking or not. You smile at her, unfolding your tapestry.

“I think the best part of being a senior so far is passing on the lore to the young’uns like you,” you tease.

“Well, if the Shitter makes a reappearance, I’m blaming you,” she laughs back, “thanks for the heads-up, I guess? Anyways, I’ll get out of your hair, but I’ll see you around (Y/N)!”

You give her a little wave as she trots out of your room. It feels weird to have a student two years younger than you in charge of your floor, but you don’t envy her. In your previous three years of college, you’ve seen some really heinous situations that RAs have had to deal with. You smile to yourself thinking about the time someone set a notice board on fire in the student center during sophomore year. College really is a fucking zoo sometimes.

A familiar voice drifting in through your open window snaps you out of your reminiscing.

“…and on the left we have Stafford, one of the most popular dorms on campus. It’s mostly full of seniors though, so I’d call it more of a retirement home than a dorm! Haha...that was a bad joke, okay, yikes…moving on….”

You dart to the window, leaning out and craning your neck to see a mop of auburn hair passing by.

“JOSEPH FRANCIS MAZZELLO, YOU BETTER STOP RIGHT THERE!” you shriek, waving like a madwoman.

Joe turns around and looks up at the dorm with confusion, scanning the windows to see who is yelling at him. The moment he catches your eye, you spin on your heels and run out of your room and down the stairs, throwing open the heavy front door and sprinting down the path. You leap at Joe, enveloping him in a huge hug.

“I fucking missed you!” you breathe out, squeezing him tightly.

“It’s good to see you too,” Joe smiles at you, patting you on the shoulder.

“And I see you’ve decided to grow a new little friend, huh?” you tease, reaching up to poke at his mustache. However, before your finger can stroke the thin strip of reddish hair, Joe jerks his head away from you, clearing his throat. You’re suddenly very aware of the group of freshman staring at you, your arms wrapped around their orientation leader.  You laugh awkwardly, stepping back from your friend.

“Hi everyone, um…welcome to campus!” you offer, smiling at them, “uh…I’m (Y/N), I’m a senior here. Sorry, I just got so excited to see Joe! You know, these are the kinds of friendships you’ll make here at…”

“Why don’t you save the cheesy Dean of Students-style speeches to me, huh?” Joe mercifully cuts you off with a chuckle, squeezing your arm lightly, “don’t wanna ruin your cool-kid senior façade now, do you?”

“As if I ever had that,” you snort, rolling your eyes at Joe before turning back to the freshman, “you all are seriously lucky to have this dork as your OL, he’s the best guy on campus.”

Joe blushes a little at that, digging his toe into the dirt.

“Thanks, (Y/N). Uh, we gotta keep moving though, there’s a barbeque in twenty minutes that we can’t be late for.”

“Oh, can I meet you there?” you ask, “I’m starving, and I can’t wait to catch up with you!”

“I’ll be working,” Joe states plainly, “and it’s just for new students.”

“And what, you won’t sneak me in?” you tease, poking his shoulder.

“No, I won’t,” he says through gritted teeth, looking at his orientation group, “I can’t, (Y/N).”

Your smile falls from your lips and you take a step away from Joe, shocked by his change in tone. Last year, Joe would have offered to sneak you into the barbeque before you could even ask. Maybe it’s just the fact that he’s supposed to be a good example to the new kids. Or maybe it’s because…

You shake your head, plastering another smile across your face, before responding “Of course, I was just joking, Joe! Well, I’ll let you guys get on with your tour, I guess. Um, text me later, okay?”

Joe nods and waves as you walk back to the front door of Stafford. As he walks off with his gaggle of excited freshman, you feel a pang in your heart. A naïve part of you had hoped that perhaps Joe’s lack of communication this summer was just because he was busy with his internship, but it’s pretty obvious now that something is very wrong between the two of you. The idea of Joe hating you is too much to bear. Who is going to call you for 2am pizza parties? Who is going to go to Senior Ball with you? Who is going to be your rock for this final tumultuous and all-important year of college?

There’s only one other person on campus you want to talk to right now. You pull up your video chat app, clicking on Sage’s icon. A few rings later, her beautiful chocolate-brown curls fill the screen, and you smile.

“Hey, gorgeous, how are you?”

She sighs, angling the camera so you can see the stacks of boxes behind her, “Sweaty as hell…unpacking is the worst thing about moving back to college.”

“I thought the worst thing about moving back to college was having homework again.”

“Actually, I take it back, the worst thing about moving back to college is hearing my next-door neighbor fucking her boyfriend.”

You nearly choke from laughter, “Already? Are you kidding? We’ve been back for two hours!”

“Love finds a way,” Sage drawls, rolling her eyes, “anyways, what are you up to?”

You shrug, pausing on the dorm stairs, “I was just going to go back to my room and unpack, I guess.”

“Well, why don’t you come to my room and help me unpack?” she suggests, “we haven’t seen each other in forever, and I can always use an extra set of hands for untangling my necklaces.”

“What an offer,” you reply sarcastically, “unpacking your boxes to avoid doing my own.”

“Hey man, you don’t have to,” she responds, “but I can pay you in summer gossip and chocolate.”

You giggle, “fine, you’ve convinced me. You’re living in Howser this year, right?”

“Yep, second floor. I’ll see you soon, babe,” Sage confirms, smiling as she hangs up.

* * *

Your hand has barely grazed the door of Sage’s room before she calls out, “It’s open!”

“Sage!” you squeal, swinging open the door and holding out your hands, pulling your friend into a tight hug. The two of you bounce around, clinging to each other and laughing, before collapsing on Sage’s overcrowded single bed.

“I missed you, (Y/N)! Looks like you had a good summer, though,” Sage sighs, turning to look at you.

“Yeah, it was okay,” you demur, “mostly working, interning, avoiding my parents…typical stuff. How was working at that summer camp?”

“Kids love me,” she laughs, “can’t say I love the little monsters back, but hey, I made serious bank. Guess that makes getting poison ivy on my ass worth it!”

The two of you spend a few more moments lying on the bed before Sage hands you a fabric bag full of jewelry. You reach in and grab hold of an earring, but when you try to yank it out of the bag, a giant tangled ball of necklaces, bracelets, and other shiny things emerges. As Sage puts on a playlist and gets to work unpacking her suitcases, you diligently start to untangle.

“You went to go see Joe in New York sometime in July, right?”

You nod silently, digging the corner of your nail into a particularly difficult knot in the jewelry ball.

“So…how was it?” Sage presses.

“Fine,” you say simply, “we got ice cream and went roller skating and watched movies…it was fine.”

“Just fine?” she teases, “come on, that must’ve been, like, the most exciting weekend of your summer.”

You shrug, avoiding her eyes. Sage stares at you for a few moments before starting her line of questioning again.

“So are you guys gonna hang out tonight?”

“Why would we hang out tonight?” you splutter out.

“Gee, (Y/N), why would you hang out with your best friend after months of not seeing him?” she drawls sarcastically, “it’s almost like, I don’t know, people can miss each other?”

Again, you shrug, desperately struggling with a particularly knotted necklace to try and divert attention away from the fact that you are avoiding answering. You can feel your friend’s eyes boring into the top of your head.

“Did something…happen? Are you avoiding Joe for some reason?” she asks, dropping the sarcasm in her voice.

You flop backwards on the bed with a sigh, giving in to the pressure to share. If someone has to know, it might as well be Sage.

“I’m not the one doing the avoiding…things got weird over the summer.”

“Ah! The truth comes out!” she grins, turning to face you with her hands on her hips, “alright, spill. Weird how?”

You grimace, hiding your face in your hands. Guilt wracks your body as you realize just how much you’ve hidden from your friends, especially Sage, who has really been there for you ever since the fall of sophomore year, when you suffered through a hellish macroeconomics lecture together. To stay awake during the brutally boring 9am course, the two of you would pass notes back and forth. They initially started as questions about the lecture, but eventually blossomed into little doodles of your horrid professor, hungover confessions about what had happened the night before, and scribbled admittances of classroom crushes. Sage was there for you when you were on the brink of failing Ancient Greek, and you were there for her when her girlfriend broke up with her out of the blue over Snapchat. And she could be there for you now, if you just let her in.

You shakily exhale, sitting up on the bed and pulling your legs under you.

“It’s a long story.”

And it practically spills out of you. The finals week stress in the library. The party with his stupid unbuttoned shirt. Him wiping off your make-up so sweetly. Him making you moan his name, your first orgasm washing over you courtesy of your best friend. The trip to New York, with its movie nights and reciprocal blowjobs and strawberries and roller skating. Its disastrous ending on that moonlit golf course, your best friend’s cum dripping out of you as you biked back to his house in tears. The fact that you barely spoke for the rest of the summer. And throughout the whole re-telling, you keep coming back to how it’s all your fault. You, with your stupid guarded heart and fear of intimacy, are the one who destroyed your friendship before the sex even had the chance to. If it even would have.

When you finish with the story, you let out a deep breath, turning to face Sage again. The sun has begun to set, the golden rays filtering through the leaves outside the window to dapple the walls and linoleum floor. It feels like you just ran a marathon, but it feels good to finally let everything out, to confide in someone. Even if you can’t see this problem being fixed.

“But it would be safer to just be friends, you know? And I’m sure he’s thinking the same thing,” you murmur quietly, grabbing the ball of tangled jewelry again to give your hands something to do.

“But ‘just friends’ don’t look at each other like that, (Y/N), and you know it,” Sage says, flashing you a knowing look.

“Like what?”

“You really are clueless, huh?” she teases, “I swear, I thought you and Joe have been endgame since sophomore year! When you were talking about having crushes on guys, you’d always compare them to Joe.”

You stare at her, “I would fucking not.”

“Yes, you would!” she nods furiously, “Always saying things like ‘Peter and I laughed all class today, which reminded me of the time Joe and I…blah blah blah’. Or ‘Taylor asked me out, but I said no, because I had plans with Joe that night’. Sister, are you serious? Best friends cancel plans with each other to let their friends go on hot dates.”

“Well, I never told him about Taylor asking me out!” you say, throwing your arms up in exasperation, “I’m sure if I did, Joe would have been fine with me bailing.”

“But you didn’t tell him,” Sage says pointedly.

“No, I didn’t, but that doesn’t mean….it doesn’t mean I have a crush on Joe. It’s just my personal business! He doesn’t have to know everything about me,” you huff indignantly.

“Best friends know that shit, (Y/N). The fact that you care so much about Joe but chose not to tell him about Peter or Taylor or anyone else who you’ve hooked up with is kind of telling, isn’t it?”

“I…I…,” you stammer, unable to come up with a reply.

Sage sighs, smiling sweetly at you and squeezing your knee before standing, busying herself with unpacking again.

“I mean, I get why you’d have a crush on him,” she shrugs, “Joe’s really cute. And a good kisser, too.”

You stop dead, the charms of the necklace you’re untangling clinking together. Sage’s words are processing in your mind, the gears turning embarrassingly slow.

“How do you know that?” you venture tentatively, setting down the tangled mass of delicate gold chains.

“What, that Joe’s talented with his tongue? We hooked up a few times freshman year, like super messy, floor-of-the-frat-house make out sessions. He’s a sweet guy, but he definitely wanted something more serious, so we had fun and went our separate ways,” Sage answers nonchalantly, continuing to fold t-shirts into her dresser.

You take a shaky breath in, the world spinning a little around you. The image of your two best friends as stupid, drunk freshman rolling around together on some sticky floor would ordinarily be an equally embarrassing and hilarious thought, but it makes you sick to your stomach.

“You never told me,” you mumble, fidgeting with the hem of your shorts.

“I didn’t?” Sage asks, looking at you over her shoulder, “I thought I did.”

“Why didn’t you guys tell me?” you hiss, gritting your teeth to try and keep tears from falling.

Sage crosses her arms and cocks out her hip, clearly a little frustrated by your reaction.

“Babe, in all fairness, I didn’t know you then. And I didn’t know until five minutes ago that you had feelings for Joe, on top of already having fucked him! I love you, but it’s my business who I hook up with, and to be perfectly honest, I thought Joe would have told you by now, considering he knows how often we hang out.”

You just shake your head, the first few hot tears beginning to slip out. You know she’s right, that it’s unfair of you to be so angry when all this happened years ago, but you can’t help feeling betrayed somehow.

“Still, Sage, you should have…”

“(Y/N), you are getting angry at the wrong person,” she begins, sitting next to you on the bed, “Of course, if we had known each other then and I knew you had feelings for Joe, I never would have made out with him. You know that. But you can’t retroactively call dibs. Plus, you weren’t even friends with him freshman year. But clearly the boy is in love with you, (Y/N), and it’s pretty obvious that you lo…”

“Everyone needs to stop telling me how to feel!” you yell, jumping to your feet, angrily wiping at the tear tracks on your cheeks.

“I’m not trying to…”

“Yes, you are! And Joe tried to get me to admit it that night by the fucking golf course pond, too! Why can’t…why can’t I just…,” you stammer angrily, unable to pin down your emotions.

“Why can’t you just be honest with yourself?” Sage snaps back, “what the hell are you afraid of, (Y/N)?”

Silent, open-mouthed sobs are wracking your body, the swirling cloud of emotions too much for you to handle. You sink down onto the ground, pulling your knees to your chest.

“What are you afraid of, (Y/N)?” Sage repeats, softer this time.

“I…I d-don’t know.”

“Well, sweets, I think you need to talk to Joe,” she suggests, kneeling next to you and pulling you in for a tight hug, “I know it’s scary, but the only way to fix this is to be honest with him.”

“B-but what if…”

“No,” Sage cuts you off with a kind but stern look, “you’ve had enough ‘what if’s’. Why can’t you finally have a ‘why not’?”

You just cry, clutching onto the front of Sage’s sweatshirt as you stain it with tears. She just hums softly, rubbing your back.

“I’m s-sorry that I d-didn’t t-tell you sooner,” you stammer out, the apology punctuated by hiccups.

“It’s okay, (Y/N),” she says, “I mean, am I a little pissed that I missed out on all this tea over the summer? Yes. But I’m happy you’ve told me know, and honestly honored that you confided in me like this.”

You nod, wiping away the tear tracks on your cheeks, “Thank you for listening.”

“Anytime, lovely. And now, the best part about telling me begins.”

“What do you mean?” you ask warily, a little afraid of the plan Sage is undoubtedly cooking up.

“Because now I can help you get him alone,” she says, flashing a wicked grin, “And I just so happen to know where he’s going to be tonight.”

* * *

How you always end up on the porch of Beta Theta Pi is beyond you, but there you are again, nearly four months after that last fateful visit, ready to finally talk to Joe about how you feel. Well, as ready as you can be, six vodka shots deep.

The pre-game at Ollie’s apartment off-campus definitely got a little out of hand, the alcohol flowing freely during some wild games of King’s Cup as ABBA blasted in the background. By the time Sage suggested Strip Go-Fish, it was time to get going to Frat Row, so your small group staggered out the door, cheering incoherently about the first big bash of senior year. Sage kept whispering in your ear about how important it is that you find Joe at the party, and you nodded, the alcohol in your system carrying away your fear of confrontation.

But now, standing on the porch in the rapidly cooling early fall air, seeing the party raging inside through the open front door, your confidence falters. Even through your alcohol-induced haze, you can feel the anxiety bubbling up, burning your throat. Or maybe that’s just the vodka. At least you can get rid of that easily.

Sage and Ollie seem to sense your hesitation and each take a side, grasping you firmly and pulling you into the house.

“I think maybe…,” you begin, looking around at the familiar surroundings of the frat house. Did they clean this place over the summer? Wild.

“Maybe what? We should dance?” Sage offers, grinning at Ollie, who eagerly nods.

“Come on, Y/N, they’re playing Ke$ha,” he adds, pulling you in the direction of roaring music. The darkened living room that’s serving as the dance floor smells of stale beer and weed, the two strobe lights perched on the table in the corner illuminating the room with flashes of rainbow-colored light. The bass line begins to flow through your veins like the alcohol, and you are transported, immediately giving into the music. There’s plenty of time to find Joe, right? You might as well enjoy the party first.

As you, Sage, and Ollie swing your hips and sing along to “Your Love is My Drug”, a smile spreads across your face. This is how the beginning of the school year is supposed to feel; carefree and wild, blasted off your ass and listening to mid-2000s hits with your friends at a smelly frat party. The three of you go absolutely bezerk during the last chorus, jumping up and down and grinning madly at each other, sharing a moment of complete euphoria.

The next song starts, the bass boosted to 100. Your ears prick up, the telltale intro to Beyoncé’s “Drunk In Love” blasting through the frat house’s speakers. Sage taps you on the shoulder and gestures to the kitchen, signaling that she is going to get a drink, and Ollie follows suit, miming that he’ll be back in a minute. Ordinarily, you’d be a little anxious to be on the dancefloor on your own, but for some reason, tonight you feel totally fine. The floor of the house is vibrating from the bass, and you dance to the beat, your eyes closing as you get into the music.

Suddenly, a cheer goes up from the other side of the dark living room, where a huge gang of freshman has gathered. They have formed a circle, dancing up on each other as they yell at the figure bobbing wildly in the middle. Your eyes feel a little fuzzy and you can’t see too far, so you inch your way over to see what the fuss is about.

Lo and behold, the boy you came here to find is breaking it down in the center of the ring of freshmen, still in his orientation leader uniform. His orientation group is shrieking with laughter, clapping and grinning at their OL’s goofy antics. Several of them have whipped out their phones, and Joe hams it up for the cameras, pulling ridiculous faces and winking as he drops to the ground and begins to do The Worm. You can’t help but laugh.

Joe’s eyes immediately snap to you, the laughter sparkling in them quickly fading to apprehension. He scrambles up from the floor, plastering on a fake smile and clapping one of the boys near him on the back.

“Tyler, you take over!” he laughs, his eyes still locked on yours.

Tyler immediately jumps in and the group cheers as Joe slips away. He comes towards you, but swerves left, giving you a weak smile as he tries to skirt around you.

“Hey, (Y/N),” he mutters, heading towards the kitchen.

“They finally played Beyoncé for you, huh?” you say quickly, grabbing his wrist, “that’s why you were dancing, right?”

Joe nods, another tight-lipped smile playing across his face as he tries to pull his wrist gently from your grasp.

“Th’ kids seem to really like you,” you slur, “shouldn’t be surprised.”

“How much have you had tonight?” Joe questions, worry flashing briefly in his eyes.

“A lot, Sage and Ollie and I played King’s Cup, ‘n I had to drink the cup, so” you explain, gesturing vaguely, still holding his wrist.

“Do you wanna dance with me?” you ask, tugging lightly on him.

“I’m working,” Joe answers flatly.

“Come on,” you whine, “you were dancing jus’ a second ago, why won’t you dance with me now?”

“Because I’m busy,” he states impatiently, “gotta make sure no one overdoes it. And I have to make my rounds, so please let me go.”

“No,” you pout, your grip tightening, “dance with me!”

“Let me go right now!” Joe hisses, twisting out of your grip, “What is your problem, (Y/N)?”

“What is my problem?” you repeat back to him, eyes widening, “my problem? No, it’s our problem, Joe. Our problem. The two of us, together.”

He groans, stepping away from you, “I don’t want to talk about this right now.”

“So when?” you spit out, “when can you pencil me in, Joe? When can you make time for me?”

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?” he hisses back.

“You’ve been ignoring me all summer, ever since New York, and I fucking missed you,” you say, feeling a few tears starting to prick in your eyes.

“Oh, so now we care about feelings, I see,” Joe bites back, rolling his eyes and turning away from you towards the kitchen.

“You don’t care about my feelings at all Joe, so stop pretending like you do,” you yell, a few heads whipping in your direction, equally excited and repulsed by the unfolding drama.

“When were you gonna tell me about you and Sage, huh? Or did you keep that from me because you care about my feelings?”

Joe stops dead in his tracks, his back to you. Over his shoulder, you can see Sage and Ollie, gaping at the scene in front of them. The music is still blasting, but all chatter has stopped, every eye in the room trained on the meltdown in the middle of the dance floor.

“That really isn’t any of your business, (Y/N),” he spits out, his tone ice cold, “And besides, you fucking hated me freshman year, so what does it matter?”

“Yeah, I fucking hated your mustache freshman year too, but that doesn’t stop you from growing another set of pubes on your face now, does it?” you shriek back, “it looks like a caterpillar crawled up your neck and died, Joe! It’s fucking disgusting!”

“You know, I really don’t have to stand here and listen to this right now,” Joe retorts, still not looking at you. He walks towards the hallway, clapping another OL on the shoulder, muttering about how he has to go.

“Next time you make out with my friend, you fucking tell me!” you shout at his retreating figure, tears beginning to stream down your face, “you talk to me, Joe!”

The front door of the house slams shut, the sound making nearly everyone in the room wince. Your chest is heaving, tears flowing freely from your eyes as you stand frozen in the living room. It feels like you blacked out. Everything moved too fast. What just happened?

Sage snaps you out of your thoughts by grabbing your arm and pulling you out into the hallway.

“What the fuck was that?” she growls, “that was not what we talked about.”

“Yeah, well, I’m drunk, Sage, and your plan was shit to begin with,” you grumble, eyes lolling shut to avoid the harsh overhead light.

“No, that went to shit because it wasn’t the plan,” she hisses, shaking you a little, “and you really didn’t need to bring mine and Joe’s history into it.”

“Oh, fuck off,” you moan.

“Fine. I will. I’m washing my hands of this whole fucking situation, (Y/N). Good luck. Text me when you’ve fixed it, or when you’re ready to apologize to me,” Sage says coldly, dropping her hands to her side and stalking back to the kitchen.

You stumble down the hallway, flinging open the front door and clambering down the porch steps. All you can think now is that you want to be as far away from this frat house as possible. You wander down the street and turn left onto the main campus, which is softly illuminated by the yellow glow of the streetlamps. The leaves rustle overhead as you walk, kicking stones with the toes of your shoes. A bench appears on your right, and you immediately collapse onto it, pulling your jacket tighter around your body. It’s wet, and you register that you’ve been crying this whole time, tears soaking through the light material.

Tossing your head back, you stare at the moon, rising full and round overhead. It was under this same moon that you and Joe walked home from the frat party in May, giggly and softly wrapped up in each other. It was under this same moon that he filled you so completely for the first time, down in the soft grass on the Hyde Park golf course.

And it’s under this moon now that you realize, fully and honestly, how badly you fucked up. You let your fear of rejection completely take over your life, torpedoing your friendship before any romantic feelings even had the opportunity to consider doing so. Self-sabotage is one hell of a drug, and you’re feeling the effects now. You need to talk to him. You need to set things right if you have any chance of salvaging this friendship.

Heaving yourself up from the bench, you begin to tread in the direction of Joe’s dorm. Kennedy House is an old, imposing grey stone building in the center of campus, famous for its palatial single rooms and horrendously small showers. The façade of the dorm looms like a castle wall, cold and imposing in front of you as you fumble in your pockets for your keycard to swipe into the building, finding nothing but an old gum wrapper and your earbuds.

“Fuck,” you sigh out, “must’ve dropped it at Beta.”

If you knew which window was Joe’s, you might have resorted to throwing pebbles, but just as you were dangerously eyeing the gravel in the flowerbed, another student walks up the front steps of Kennedy, brandishing her keycard. You smile at her.

“Hey, I dropped my card at Beta, could you swipe me in?”

“Uh, sure,” she says, looking you up and down once before swiping her plastic ID through the slot next to the door, the lock releasing with a loud clunk. You thank her and begin to roam the first floor, checking the little nameplates on the bedroom doors. The RA on this floor apparently chose a Disney theme, with each student getting a different character from the most popular films. Tragically, amongst all the princes and animal sidekicks, there is no Joe to be found. You decide to try your luck on the second floor, the doors filled with images of famous cereal brands. The third floor is equally adorable with zoo animals, but equally frustrating with its lack of Joe. You’re starting to believe that you misread his message about where he lived. Finally, while roaming the fourth floor, you find his door. A little paper peach is taped to the painted wood, his name spelled out in thick, inky block letters. Farmer’s market theme? How wholesome.

Your fist hesitates in front of the door, your mind racing as you pray that he is in his room. It’s now or never.

“Joe, it’s me,” you say softly, knocking gently on the wood.

No response.

“Are you asleep?” you ask, knocking again, “Joe, I really wanna talk.”

A few faint voices float in from the open hallway window. The students smoking on the front stoop are loud enough that, if you hadn’t been listening to the door so intently, you would have missed it. The tiniest of sniffles from the other side of the peeling paint.

“Joe, I know you’re in there!” you bark, voice cracking in desperation as you begin hammering on the door, “please open the door.”

The creaking of bed springs and the shuffle of feet alert you to the fact that Joe has gotten out of bed. You step back from the door, ready to see him, but the door does not open.

“Go away, (Y/N).”

“Did you seriously get out of bed to tell me that?” you scoff, banging on the door again, “I am not gonna go away until we talk, Joe!”

“So now you want to talk?” Joe bites back. You can almost hear the angry curl of his lip.

“Yes, Joe, I do,” you say firmly, “please.”

There is a long pause, punctuated with shaky breaths from both sides of the hard wood. Finally, the lock clicks and Joe opens the door just a crack, his eyes peering out from the darkened room.

“So talk.”

“I’m not doing this out in the hallway, Joe.”

“Fine,” he mumbles, opening the door further and turning quickly around, flicking on the string lights by his bed before sitting heavily in the wooden desk chair, “close the door behind you.”

You shut the door as you step into the dimly lit room, the orangey glow of the lights flickering across Joe’s stone-cold and clean-shaven face. You blink your eyes rapidly, staring at the newly-bare patch of skin on his upper lip. He must have just shaved it when he got home from the party.

“Your mustache…” you murmur, absentmindedly reaching out to cup his cheek, your thumb grazing lightly against a bead of blood weeping from a razor nick. Joe’s eyes flutter closed at your touch, a tiny sigh escaping his lips as he lets himself be held by you. But the moment does not last long, his eyes flying open wildly as he swats your hand away.

“I shaved it off, “he spits out, shrinking away from you, “because it was just so ugly, right? Are you happy now?”

“I…I didn’t mean…”

“To fucking roast me in front of my orientation group? In front of every goddamn person in Beta? There’s an awful lot you do that you don’t seem to mean, (Y/N), and I’m really tired of you making a fool out of me,” he says, eyes full of fire.

“What have I done to embarrass you, Joe?” you return, heat rising in your cheeks, “you’re the one that started all of this last May! You’re the one that permanently fucked up this friendship, you and that mouth of yours. So why am I the one to blame now?”

“Oh, please, (Y/N), you’re the one that said yes!”

“And you’re the one that said it wouldn’t change anything between us.”

Joe swivels in his chair, his hands fisting frustratedly in his auburn hair, squeezing his eyes shut and tugging at the roots as he responds.

“We both chose to believe that, though, didn’t we?”

He’s right. If you had truly thought it was a bad idea, you wouldn’t have accepted Joe’s offer, right? But you did. And you enjoyed it. A lot. You exhale a shaky breath, leaning against the wall near his bed.

“But why would you offer to do that, then, if you…if you maybe thought things would be different after?” you ask, your eyes searching for Joe’s.

There’s a softness to his brown eyes when he finally meets your gaze, a softness that betrays more feeling than he probably would want to, if he could see himself.

“Maybe…maybe I wanted things to change.”

His words squeeze the breath right out of your lungs.

“(Y/N), I’ve been crazy about you ever since Spring Weekend during Freshman year. Why do you think I was standing outside your room before vomiting all over it? I wanted to ask you out even then. I just…just used too much liquid courage to hype myself up for doing it, and well…” he pauses, scratching the back of his neck.

Your back starts sliding down the wall, your legs folding under you as you sink slowly to the floor. What is happening right now? Did Joe really just confess that he has feelings for you? Everything needs to stop. You need time to catch up. But Joe just keeps talking, a freight train of emotions barreling out of his mouth.

“And then when I saw you in that English lecture the next fall, I swear I truly believed there was a God. I was so pumped when the professor sat us next to each other, so I could apologize for being a dick in the spring and maybe get to know you. The more I learned about you, the more I wanted to spend every minute of every day around you. And finally you wanted to hang out. And finally we got closer. But the closer we got, the more you started to see me as a friend.”

You nod your head slowly, eyes glazed over. It feels like you are a million miles away from campus right now, with Joe’s voice seeping hazily into your brain. You wish he would stop talking.

“And I love being your friend, (Y/N)! I’m not saying this to make you feel guilty or anything, or to make you feel like you owe me anything…god, I really sound like an incel piece of shit. I just…that night last May, after the party, it broke my heart to see how stressed out you were, and my idiot brain just blurted out whatever it was thinking. And when you agreed, all I could think was ‘finally, I get to worship this beautiful girl like I’ve always wanted, like she’s always deserved.’”

“Joe, please…” you moan weakly, head resting in your hands.

“But then, you didn’t want anything between us to change. And when you visited me in New York, you kept saying that, too. So I tried my best to just enjoy what we were doing, and believe me, it was great,” he chuckles, running his hands through his hair again, “but I had to try and squash down all these years of feelings, and they all came spilling out on that golf course. Seeing you on top of me, your eyes shining in the moonlight…God, (Y/N), you really don’t know how amazing you are. And I tried again to be vulnerable, to let you know how I feel, but you clearly didn’t feel the same way. That hurt. And it still hurts. But if you really want us to go back to just being friends, I’m willing to try. Because I can’t lose you...because…because I...”

“Joe, please stop,” you croak out again, tears flowing freely, “I can’t do this.”

Joe snaps out of his monologue, finally realizing that you’re slumped on the floor at the side of his bed. He slips out of the desk chair, kneeling in front of you and gently placing a hand on your knee.

“What are you afraid of? Please, (Y/N), just tell me…”

“We are running out of time,” you choke out, digging the heels of your hands roughly into your tear-soaked eyes. You can feel the fine, dark grit of running mascara on your skin, but there isn’t really a point now of trying to not make it worse. Joe tries to pull your hands away from your face but you jerk away from him, curling in on yourself. A few tears start to prick in the corners of his eyes.

“What do you…”

“There’s an expiration date on all this, Joe!” you explode, whipping your face to look at him, “We get one year together, just nine more months! And then what? We find jobs, go to grad school, get scattered everywhere across the globe? How can I feel good about starting a relationship that I know will end in heartbreak?”

Joe recoils from your outburst, sitting back on his heels as you seethe in front of him.

“So you’re saying that no matter what, we would have to break up in May?” he begins slowly, clearly trying to keep his temper, “What if we ended up in jobs in the same city? We could do long distance. Are you really saying that this wouldn’t be worth it? That we wouldn’t be worth it?”

You groan, throwing your head against the wall, “It’s fucking hard, Joe! At graduation, you say bye to your friends knowing that when you see them again, it’ll be just like old times! You’ll pick up where you left off. And I don’t want us to change. I don’t want to leave you in May and drift apart because of distance or whatever.”

“I wouldn’t let that happen,” Joe grits out, firmly grabbing your leg.

“Well, you let it happen this summer.”

That makes Joe freeze. Anger is dancing in his eyes, and you can tell you hit a nerve.

“I was fucking hurt, (Y/N). You crushed my heart that night on the golf course.”

“Oh, boo-fucking-hoo, Joe! You ambushed me with wanting to talk about your feelings, apparently feelings you’ve had for forever. You can’t just do that!”

“Well, what was I supposed to do then, huh?” Joe fumes, his voice full of acid, “just keep fucking you, pretending there wasn’t any emotion in it? Keep biting back all the things I wanted to whisper in your ear while I was deep inside you? Where would nine more months of that get us, huh? Because just a few months of that has gotten us here, and I fucking hate being here.”

“So then go!” you shriek, scrambling to your feet, “you got what you wanted! You got to fuck the girl you’ve had a crush on for years, and you even got some free fashion advice and a trip to the roller rink out of it! You basically just admitted that that was the moment you’ve been waiting for for all these years, so just check me off the conquest list and fucking go! But I’m not going to spend my last year of college playing ‘will-they-won’t-they’ with someone who doesn’t respect my need for time and space and…and…”

“You aren’t making any sense, (Y/N), just listen to yourself!” Joe yells, jumping up and gesturing wildly at you.

“Well if I’m so fucking insane, Joe, just tell me to shut up and kick me out of your room, then!” you shriek back, stepping towards him. Joe growls at you, low and deep from the back of his throat, his eyes dangerously dark.

“I’ll make you shut up.”

And suddenly, his lips are on yours, feverishly angry and hot, pressing you up against the wall. One of his hands immediately finds your hip while the other tangles in your hair, tugging harshly. You moan into his mouth, your teeth grazing his bottom lip. This should not be happening, but both your bodies are saying quite the opposite. Joe grinds against your thigh and you whimper, reaching down to palm him over his jeans, but as your fingertips graze over his hardening length, he breaks the kiss and pushes you away, blinking rapidly.

“No. No. This…this can’t happen again,” he stammers out, shaking his head with wide eyes, “I can’t.”

You just stare at him, your lips swollen and still hanging open.

“I can’t do this anymore, (Y/N).”

“Well you’re the one who kissed me just now, Joe,” you reply, matter-of-factly.

“I know, and I’m sorry,” he says, sinking down onto his bed, “I just want to know what this is. What we are. If this is going to go anywhere. Because if it isn’t, we need to stop this. Quit cold turkey.”

You nod silently, praying that your mind could stop spinning for long enough to make a decision. It is now or never.

“Can you say something, please?” Joe whispers, picking anxiously at his nails, “I just want to know what you’re thinking.”

On shaky legs, you slowly walk over to the bed, sitting gingerly down on the soft comforter. Joe’s eyes are glued to you, desperate for any indication about where your mind is at. You pick a spot on the wall to stare at, stabilizing yourself.

“I’ve known…ever since I visited you, I’ve known that I really like you, Joe. And ever since we fought at your house, I’ve known that I don’t like my life when you’re not in it. I just…”

Joe visibly deflates, sighing, “There it is. The whole ‘I like you, but’ speech.”

“Joey, let me finish,” you plead, gripping his thigh, “please.”

He nods, delicately placing his hand over yours, squeezing lightly.

“I like you. I want this. I don’t know how long I’ve wanted this, but I know it’s what I want. But I don’t think you want me.”

“What? (Y/N), that’s ridiculous!” Joe scoffs, “haven’t you been listening to anything I’ve been saying?”

You just shake your head, feeling your throat close up as the tears return, streaming in torrents down your face. It is just like the night in Hyde Park all over again. Joe being his sweet, earnest self, and your brain trying to take you down from the inside. But you can’t stop it.

“I’m not enough for you. I’m not good enough. And I don’t deserve someone like you, Joe! You are the kindest, sweetest, funniest person I’ve met. Everyone you meet likes you, and I’m just…me.”

“Don’t say that, please don’t…” Joe begins, but you cut him off with a shake of your head, self-hatred spewing like venom from your lips.

“And if we start dating, sure, it’ll be fun, but one day you’ll wake up and realize just how fucking mediocre I am and you’ll leave! I can’t handle that, Joey, because I wouldn’t just be losing my boyfriend…I’d be losing my best friend.”

“(Y/N)…”

“No, Joe, I can already see it happening!” you choke out, gesturing at him, “it already happened. This summer. I was a piece of shit who couldn’t commit and you just left. And I don’t blame you, I really don’t. Why would you want to be with someone who can’t make up her mind? But when I left New York, we stopped talking. And I can’t lose you like that again. The hole you would leave would be too big to fix, so why even open up the space in my heart in the first place?”

This last sentence hangs in the air like a crystal chandelier, costly and deadly heavy. So there it finally is. The real reason why. Free from the swirling currents of anxiety in your mind, released into the stillness of Joe’s dorm room.

“So, dating would…not be…worth it?” Joe asks, slowly and without malice. He genuinely seems to want to figure out why you feel the way you feel.

“No, no!” you moan, squeezing your eyes shut, “I want to be with you, Joe, really. But I don’t want to burden you with me. With all this.”

“What if I told you,” Joe smiles softly, gingerly taking your hand in his, “that you would never be a burden to me, (Y/N). Never. In fact, you’re the opposite of a burden! A, uh…balloon? Free ice cream? A day with no homework?”

For what feels like the first time in forever, the two of you giggle together, genuine smiles spreading across both of your faces.

“You’re really dumb,” you sniffle, playing with his fingers.

“Yeah, I really am,” he grins, “but dating you would be the smartest decision I would ever make.”

“Oh, stop.”

“I won’t! Not until you know how much I love you.”

At those words, your eyes snap up to his, round as saucers.

“Joe, you don’t mean…”

“Yes, I do mean that. I love you, (Y/N). I have for a long time, and I never stopped,” he insists, “not even when you were roasting me at the party about my shitty pube mustache.”

Still dumbfounded, you giggle again, “you looked like Michael Cera.”

“Hey, I’m a firm believer in a relationship having a solid flirt-to-roast ratio,” Joe jokes, “so I’ll take that with grace. As long as you’re okay with me saying that you look like a raccoon right now. Just like you did in May.”

You pull away to try and scrub at your face, but Joe gently grabs your wrists and pulls them into your lap, smiling sweetly at you.

“Stop it, (Y/N), you look beautiful.”

“No I don’t!” you gasp, playfully wriggling away from him.

“Most beautiful raccoon this side of the Atlantic!”

“Ew, don’t say that ever again, Joe,” you tease, “people will think you’re a furry, and then I’d have to break up with you. My reputation is on the line.”

“Oh yeah?” he scoffs, tackling you on the bed, “and what reputation is that, exactly?”

“Okay, you got me there,” you laugh, looking up at him, “I’m a woman of ill-repute.”

“Perfect,” he hums, “just how I like ‘em.”

Joe leans down, kissing you for the second time that night. While the kiss before was undoubtedly hot, the sincerity of this one sends heat rushing through your entire body. Of all the kisses the two of you have shared over the past few months, this one feels the most perfect. The most complete. It makes all the heartbreak and anxiety worth it, in a way. You feel like finally, you’ve found each other.

Joe’s thigh is perfectly situated between your legs, and you scoot down the bed, beginning to rut your core needily against his khaki shorts. He moans into your mouth, squeezing your hips.

“We don’t need to do anything tonight if you don’t want to, (Y/N), I know it’s been a lot.”

“Clearly,” you pant, circling your hips again, “I want to fuck you right now, Joe.”

“Well, if you insist,” he chuckles, helping you sit up and remove your shirt before ripping his own off.

“I’ve missed this,” you sigh, running your hands across his smooth chest.

“You could’ve had it for years, you know” he teases, his usual Joe humor returning at full force.

You groan from both frustration and the friction between your thighs, “Don’t remind me. Next time I’m being such a dumbass, please tell me.”

“With pleasure.”

In between heated kisses and soft moans, both pairs of shorts are haphazardly tossed to the floor, wandering hands making up for months and years of lost time. It feels as if you two have never touched each other before, each stroke and squeeze sending sparks shooting through your bodies. Joe’s fingers find their way to your core, rubbing your clit firmly through your panties.

“Fuck, (Y/N), you’ve soaked these all the way through,” he murmurs, tugging the material to the side to swipe a finger through your folds.

“So take them off then,” you moan, back arching off the bed, “I need you, Joe.”

“Ordinarily, I’d tease you for being so needy,” Joe pants, “but I’m pretty fuckin’ needy too.”

The bulge in his boxers is too prominent to ignore. You reach out to touch him, but he pulls away, fishing through the bins under his bed.

“Joe,” you pout, “come back, I can…”

“No need, babe, I swear if you put your lips on me I’ll come right then and there. And, as lovely as those lips are, I would much prefer to be inside you.”

You swallow thickly as you shimmy out of your panties, a sticky thread of your wetness pulling away with them. Joe has been busy unwrapping the condom, but when he sees you, lying ready, eager, and soaked in front of him, he stops mid-roll, cock twitching.

“You’re so fucking hot, (Y/N). God, I’m lucky,” he groans, hastily rolling the condom fully on.

“Stop flattering me and fuck me instead, Joe.”

“Why not both?”

“Touché,” you grin, reaching out and grabbing his biceps, pulling him in for a rough kiss. The feeling of skin on skin sends another thrill through you and you grip him tighter, looping a leg around his hip and nudging him towards your core. Joe lays you back on the bed, softly, pressing kisses down your chest as you squirm underneath him, gasping.

“Are you ready?” he asks between kisses, murmuring gently against your skin.

“God, yes,” you keen, running your fingers down his back, “I want you inside me, Joe.”

“Whatever you want, gorgeous,” he smirks, running his cock through your slick folds a few times before pushing inside you in one fluid motion.

The sensation of being so completely filled by Joe makes you cry out, your nails digging sharply into his shoulder blades.

“You okay?” Joe asks, concern overtaking the pleasure on his face.

“Yes, yes,” you sigh out, “it feels so good, Joe. So perfect.”

“I was gonna say the same thing,” he smiles, a bead of sweat trickling down his temple, “I’m gonna start moving now, is that good?”

You nod, eyes squeezing shut in pleasure as Joe sets a steady, deep rhythm. With each stroke, his cock brushes against your sweet spot, causing your pussy to clench tightly around him.

“Fuck, (Y/N), I’m not gonna last long if you keep doing that,” he growls out, reaching a hand down to rub furious circles on your throbbing clit.

“I’m not either,” you whine, “I’m so close, Joey.”

“Are you gonna cum for me, princess? All over my cock?”

You nod silently, feeling your orgasm build with shocking speed in your core. Joe keeps thrusting into you, hips stuttering as you come undone around him. As you arch off the bed with a scream, he grabs your waist, pulling your body flush to his as he releases into the condom inside you, a deep, satisfied groan coming from the back of his throat.

The two of you come down from your highs together, sticky and sweaty and tangled in each other’s arms. Joe’s breathing is ragged in your ear, his nose rubbing against your temple softly.

“That was…”

“Really fucking…wow,” you finish, smiling lazily at him.

“No regrets yet?” he playfully asks, pulling at your waist gently to get you to roll onto your side and face him.

“No regrets yet. And I have a feeling that I won’t have regrets ever.”

Joe rubs small circles against the soft skin at your waist, humming softly, “You’ve really changed your tune, huh?”

“It was a little off-key before,” you mumble, pressing a soft kiss to his lips.

“Well, good thing I have perfect pitch,” Joe smirks.

“Oh, as fucking if, Joe!” you gasp, smacking him lightly on the chest, “I’ve heard you sing in the shower.”

He feigns hurt, collapsing backwards on the bed, “you wound me, woman! I shall never recover from your barbarous implication.”

“How tragic,” you mock, a sweet smile dancing on your lips, “just as I was starting to fall for you.”

“Really?” Joe sits up, staring down at you with wonder. Years’ worth of hope is beaming from his beautiful brown eyes.

“Yeah, really, Joey,” you murmur, reaching up to run your fingers through his hair, “I love you.”

No words are needed from Joe for you to know he feels the same way. He peppers kisses all over your face, brushing your sweaty hair away from your forehead. He curls up next to you, pulling you into his side as you rest your head on his chest. The two of you stay there together, bathed in the warm glow from the string lights overhead, breathing in each other’s scents as you drift off to sleep.

“Joe?”

“Mmm?”

“I think senior year is gonna be really, really good.”

“Yeah,” he chuckles sleepily, “I think so, too.”

~~~~~~~~~

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[pynkhues]

hi kween! i KNOW you were struggling with writer’s block, so a big TBD on whether this question will have an answer! but do you know what your update schedule looks like for CYF and pornstar!au looks like? ooh and the other part of C&C? also, so sorry if you get a million of these messages all the time. i can only hope it’s flattering rather than annoying

It’s not annoying at all, anon! It’s actually really, really nice to know that people are keen and excited for them. :-) I got a little bit of writing done this week again, so I think the writer’s block is starting to ease, and both CYF and the pornstar!au are pretty close? I mean, the CYF chapter is done, I just want to re-write a part of a scene which is pointblank refusing to talk to me at the moment, and the pornstar!au needs a bit of editing and I still have I think two scenes left to write in it? 

The PH/C&C fic has actually been talking to me, which is pretty nice, haha. It’s going to be around 20k words I think when it’s done? (it’s at 18k at the moment). 

I’ve got a three-day weekend starting tomorrow, and all I’ve got planned for it is yoga, brunch with a friend, and a talk on the biology of sexuality and gender which is being done entirely by LGBTQI+ scientists and researchers, which should be super interesting! So yes! Hoping I might be able to get some real writing done in the gaps between and at least post one of these things (if not two!) :-) 

In the meantime, you can have another excerpt from the PH fic: 

-

Elizabeth opens her mouth to argue that point – probably go back to her original one, about holdin’ off, like that’s an option, when Rio asks:  

“You organised anythin’ for Danny’s birthday yet?”  

The question blindsides her, gets her eyes wide, blinking a little too much as she tries to catch up. She shakes her head at him.

“Rio - -”  

“I looked into that art class at the Y, but I dunno,” he says, shrugging. “He didn’t like the other classes we signed him up for, and I kinda got the feelin’ they ain’t intendin’ this one for a ten-year-old and his rowdy fuckin’ siblings neither, y’know?”  

The words hang for a minute, enough he can dry the last couple of dishes, only this time, he puts them away himself, finding the brief pause a relief more than anything as he opens up cabinets and tidies away the last evidence of their meal. Above them, he hears the toilet flush and then a door close.  

Kenny, he thinks, judgin’ from where the sound comes from. He’ll need to check he’s actually asleep. It’s school tomorrow after all, and last thing he needs is another call at work because Kenny’s dozin’ in algebra again.  

“The zoo’s doing a frog show at the moment,” Elizabeth says suddenly, breaking up his thoughts, and Rio jerks his head around to look at her, her jaw slightly forward, lips pursed in that way that means she ain’t happy about the pivot in topic, but still. She goes with it.  

“There’s a rainforest conservation talk and like, a handling session and everything,” she adds, and Rio nods, because Danny’s been into rainforests since they studied them in his third grade science class last year, spouting off the difference between temperate and tropical, about how the light don’t hit the ground in the densest parts of them, but nothing more than about frogs – poison dart frogs and glass frogs and red-eyed tree frogs. Rio’s pretty sure he could rattle off enough to get some sort of honorary degree purely by way of listenin’ to the kid.  

“I thought I could make a cake and maybe drop it in early at the restaurant, so Danny doesn’t see. It could be a surprise.”  

Like she doesn’t make a cake for every one of them every year, Rio thinks, amused, but shit, suddenly his mind’s on the zoo. Can already hear the yawnin’ mouths of lion and the bustle of people, can feel Marcus’ weight on his shoulders, see him grin, can see somewhere, in the annals of his memory, his own father’s grin too.  

It’s been a while.  

“Sounds dope,” he says, and Elizabeth must hear something in his voice, because when he turns around, her face has relaxed, her jaw back to where it usually sits, her lips parted curiously, like she’s tryna figure something out – like maybe he’s still tryna distract her or somethin’. “What’s that look for?”  

“Nothing,” she says with a shrug. “I don’t know. I didn’t think you’d want to do it.” 

He huffs out an amused breath, wandering over to flick the kettle on to make himself a tea. Russian Caravan, he thinks, or - - hm. Maybe apple and chamomile. If he makes one of them, she might have one too. He grabs the box out, shakes it at her, and she nods.  

“Why’s that?” he says, turning his attention back to the cabinets, grabbing them out a mug each.  

“Because it’s the zoo,” she says dryly, playing a little with the buttons at the belly of her blouse. Rio snorts in reply, grabbing out a pair of tea strainers from the top drawer.    

“Take it that means you ain’t a fan.”  

“God, no,” she tells him easily, laughing. “We have five children between us. Plus Annie. My life is a zoo.”

He can’t quite bite back his grin at that, pouring in the boiling water over the tea leaves, letting the water turn bronze, as he turns back to Elizabeth.  

“And the smell,” she adds, wrinkling her nose. “Like wet dog and animal poop.”

“Damn, ma, your sister don’t smell that bad.”

She gapes at that, reaching close enough to try and hit him, defendin’ her sister’s honour and whatnot, and he grabs her wrist easily, using it to tug her into him, humming, content, when the soft curves of her chest hit the hard line of his. He runs a hand down her back, untucking her blouse from her slacks before slipping his hand back up beneath her shirt, dipping his thumb beneath her bra strap, running it along the indent it’s left in her skin just to feel her shiver.  

“God, how can you - - I mean. Why do you like it,” she stutters when he pulls a little at the clip on her bra, almost undoing it until she brings a hand behind herself to stop him.  

Rio just shrugs. He always has really, ever since his dad used to take him, Carmen and Aida when they were kids. Their dad worked too much to do anythin’ with them often, so it felt like somethin’ when he’d take them to the zoo, when he’d get him sitting on his shoulders so he could see over the crowds, mumbling dumb shit up at him in Spanish, like how many teeth a lion has and how aardvarks trap termites by curling their tongues. Loved the most doin’ it himself with Marcus, like it connected them still somehow, him and his dad, Marcus and the abuelo he’d never get to meet. The memory’s bittersweet, but sweeter these days, the years passing since his death letting him focus on the good instead of those last years where the cancer turned him inside out.

He looks down at Elizabeth then, where she’s looking up at him, almost tells her, only to stop at the look on her face, soft and a little too bright, a little too curious, and he remembers the scattered, brief, miserable notes she’s told him about her own dad, and it halts the words on his tongue. In the end he just shrugs.  

“I dunno,” he says. “Just like it.”

Elizabeth squints a little, like she don’t quite believe him, but she lets it go when he crowds her back against the kitchen island, tryna see if she’ll let him take her shirt off here.  

(She won’t, but she lets him in their bedroom at least, the door closed and her lips wet. Lets him do a lotta things then.)  

[on-the-shelves]

on my shelf: soundtrack to my fourth year of uni - summer

I’m finally done with my Bachelor’s thesis! I might make a separate, more detailed post about it, since the topic is relevant for what this blog is about (of course it is haha), but for now I can say my topic was an analysis of the use of elements from the “Pop-Star-System” in building up a girlgroup career. I looked at the history of Pop-Stars and analysed the album covers of the Supremes’ first two albums, as well as the Spice Girls and Girls’ Generation’s first albums/physical releases. It was a lot of work, but I really enjoyed the topic. Oh and if anyone was wondering, I’m doing a Media Studies degree, which is why I could tackle such a cool topic.

Anyway! So working on my thesis took up my entire summer semester because I luckily didn’t have any classes left to attend, so I was thankfully spared the whole online class ordeal. The music I mentioned in my last post (”Quarantunes”) has mostly stayed on repeat in the past few months. Besides an ever steady stream of BTS, there are a couple of new things to add to the list:

Tomorrow X Together: The Dream Chapter: Eternity (2020)

Now THIS is the release I’ve been waiting for from them. Their previous album had one song that had a co-writing credit for one of the members (Hueningkai on “Rollercoaster”), but this album has more! We’re finally starting to hear their writing talents more. “Maze in the Mirror” was written/demo’ed entirely by one member (Beomgyu) and in the process of preparing it for this release the other members also wrote parts. It’s a beautiful, melancholic, and dynamic song that I can highly recommend for listening to before going to sleep. The lyrics talk about how unsure they felt before debuting. I can’t wait to hear more songs where they talk about their personal experiences, because clearly they’re good at it. In general this album is much darker than their previous two releases and they suit them well. The songs are more varied, too: You have the classic TXT style opening song, but the lead single “Can’t You See Me?” is full of angst, which is new for them. “PUMA” is like dark R&B, while “Fairy of Shampoo”, a reworked cover of a popular 1990s Korean song, is more city-pop. And then you have “Eternally” which reminded me of twenty one pilots’ “Ode to Sleep” in the way it completely changes up its style several times throughout the song. It’s all coherent and flows well from top to bottom though, and I think they’re well on their way to carving their own niche in the saturated and often same-same (k-) pop landscape.

Agust D: D-2 (2020)

He finally came back. SUGA of BTS last released a mixtape under his solo moniker Agust D in 2016. That one was very dark, brazen at times, and incredibly open and honest about his struggles, ending on a note of hoping that things will get better. This follow-up release makes it clear that Agust D has become a slightly different person in the past few years. He’s still brazen at times, but he has good reason to be, looking at how incredibly successful BTS has become since 2016. As always, he makes fun of those who decide to be haters but cleverly never gets too specific - if you feel attacked, that’s on you. There is a lot of introspection on this album too. It’s generally much less defeated or dark than on the 2016 self-titled release, but it’s still not all sunshine and rainbows. His problems have morphed -  he has now achieved his dreams, but it’s not quite what he expected it to be. There are a lot of thoughts about dreams, about what it means to grow up, about what his position in the world means and feels like. That sounds like it’s very focused on himself and might be inaccessible to us non-famous people, but that’s absolutely not the case. A lot of it are quite mundane questions that everyone asks themselves in their 20s, like “what am I doing with my life?” and “what kind of person am I really?”. He makes it clear that he doesn’t have the answers, but he somehow makes you feel comforted in that uncertainty. The musical style is more like current hip-hop, where Agust D was more like harder, older hip-hop, but retains his (especially recent) typical, very melodious style, with him even singing some choruses. There are various styles and interesting production choices that make for a varied, but cohesive listening experience. 

Hayley Williams: Petals for Armor (2020)

I mentioned this album in the “Quarantunes” post as well, but the full album was released after that went up, so it deserves another mention here. This album tells a story of an emotional journey towards healing, without ever getting preachy or feeling insincere. In several interviews Hayley mentions her therapy journey and learning to deal with her trauma and how this album helped with that. Listening to all the songs in order, a journey of self-discovery, -acceptance, and -empowerment is laid out. All these things are typically found in little things and learning to change your perspective. It’s Hayley’s most feminine work yet, in the sense that she’s embracing all of her different aspects: the delicate, the powerful, the rage, the love. Everything is wrapped in sounds inspired by Alternative music, but more, as said before, the Björks, Radioheads, and synth-y 80s artists, instead of loud guitar bands. My favourite songs are “Crystal Clear”, “Roses/Lotus/Violet/Iris”, “Over Yet”, “Cinnamon” and “Simmer”.

IU: Palette (2017)

When it was announced that IU and SUGA from BTS (two of the most popular artists in Korea) would release a collab song, I decided to check out her (IU’s) music more intensely, because I only knew one or two of her songs from the Dalkom Café playlist on Spotify. One of them is on this album, “Palette (ft. G-Dragon)”. This album, to me, best encapsulates IU’s sound: from heartbreaking ballads to satisfying light K-R&B, to slightly darker, groovy K-R&B (I think that’s the right genre term..), this one has them all. I’m not the biggest fan of ballads, but I enjoy IU’s voice so much that I don’t mind listening to them at all. I really love it, however, when she leaves that style behind for the slightly darker, or at least more pop sounds, like on “Palette”, but especially on “Jam Jam” and “Black Out”. She has a certain attitude on those songs that are slightly opposite of the pure, innocent image I previously had of her. It seems very sincere though, most likely because she writes on all of her songs. She has been utilising this style more often in recent years, on songs like “Bbibbi” and “Blueming” (both certified bops). “Eight”, the collab with SUGA, is an uplifting, yet bittersweet feeling pop anthem that almost feels like it could’ve been just a little bit longer. I’ll probably dive deeper into her lyrics soon and I’m excited for what I will find.

Sunmi: Warning (2018)

Last summer, Sunmi released the single “Lalalay” and I immediately loved it. I learned the choreography pretty much the week after I heard it the first time. Unfortunately, she didn’t seem to have much other music on her Spotify page though, just a couple of older singles (which I also immediately loved). This year she released “pporappippam” (which is basically the romanization of the Korean title which translates to Purple Night), a bittersweet, nostalgic, summer pop song, like only Sunmi can do. Seriously, no one else in K-Pop is releasing music like hers, and they probably don’t even dare to try. For those who don’t know, she used to be in one of the historically most popular girlgroups Wonder Girls. But besides that, she has been releasing her own style of pop since she started releasing solo music and Warning (which they must’ve only recently put on Spotify in full) is a pretty good encapsulation of that sound. It’s almost like a mix between K-Pop and K-R&B, but more like IU’s moodier songs for example. It’s not flashy and sparkly, but it’s not full-on groove either. It’s a bit of both and it works perfectly for her. 

--

Special mentions for new albums I haven’t listened to that much but do enjoy a lot: HAIM’s Women in Music Part III, Irene&Seulgi’s Monster, Taylor Swift’s folklore (released like a week before this post is published but it’s undeniably good and will get a longer write-up when I’ve had more time with it), Loona’s discography

[riseofmoonxchild]

b i t t e r ⬴ ʇ ǝ ǝ ʍ s // chapter one

➴pairing – jimin x reader – taehyung x reader – [ft. namjoon]

➴genre – fluff // angst

➴theme – college!au // jimin!barista // taehyung!artist

You developed a little crush on the barista at your local coffee shop, Jimin. While you start going to the cafe regularly, thinking it as harmless and innocent, you don’t realize that your interest in him will catch the attention of Taehyung, the most-liked boy in school. As the two of them stir up an almost espresso-and-milk-kind-of element to your school life and study load, you find yourself involved in a more complicated situation than you were prepared for.

»listen to the bittersweet playlist titled “coffee shop boy” here

« m u s e »

✰

f a l l

The first time you met Jimin, he was antagonizing over making your coffee perfect. And by met, you meant it was the first time you had ever laid eyes on him. You could tell that this wasn’t special treatment for you—because he was so nervous, so confused, and so focused on the process of actual coffee-assembling, because he cared about the smallest details—you could tell that he wanted it to be the best that anyone could make it. It went beyond trying to seek recognition from the customers or his boss; nevertheless, it was cute. And even if his genuine efforts weren’t meant to flatter you, they made you feel warm and even flustered.

So many college students had come for a coffee break at this time, which was probably overwhelming. It was the height of midterms, and this coffee shop was a popular spot for students to hit because it was right across from the main campus location in Seoul.

“What can I do for you today?”

“Hi-” you paused, taking a moment to mull over your thoughts, “I’d just like a caramel macchiato, please.”

The whole time he was taking your order, he had never made eye contact with you. He was quietly focused on the machine in front of him.

“What size?”

“Just a medium.”

“Alright, that’ll be $4.32,” he reported, looking up. Jimin smiled slightly, as of he were ready to take on his next challenge. “It’ll have that ready for you in no time!” He vowed.

You watched him make your order with a small yet enthusiastic determination.

And finally, as he reached to hand you your coffee, as soon as he saw your hand grabbed a hold of it, his eyes flicked to your yours. He smiled shyly at you and giggled a little, almost nervously. And a heartbeat later, before you could even process your own reaction, he was helping the next customer.

✰

w i n t e r

You were determined to finish your final paper for your English class. Paragraph by paragraph, you sipped on the coffee, savoring hints of cinnamon and caramel as you persevered. You couldn’t help but glance outside every ten minutes, watching the snow gently blanket the outside world. Part of you wanted to venture out there, but the warmth of the coffee brought you back in every time, keeping you cozy and focused. Relatively focused, that was—inevitably it brought you back to the barista boy, and by that time your whole face became warm.  

It had been two months, since you started coming in around four or five times a week, getting your fix of caffeine and something else you didn’t want to admit to yourself. But, inevitably, you discovered what days and times the barista boy worked, just by observation, and that he also had a name other than “barista boy”—Jimin.

When you finished your paper, you were relieved to have officially completed your second fall semester. You stretched, prepared yourself for a final chance of relaxation, and messaged your friend in hopes of celebrating somehow. You wanted some way to relieve all the stress that had piled up to this point.

“Hey, Joon,” you texted, “Do you want to go to Club Avenue tonight?”

You suddenly were reminded of the past semester and the drama that had consumed most it. Despite relentless, pointless efforts, it seemed everything that could have fallen apart inside your own little world did—friends, grades, reputation, your planned future. And with that you had picked up some habits, like drinking and clubbing, especially on week nights, skipping classes. This cafe had, unexpectedly, become your safe haven.

While you had commended yourself for pulling yourself together half way through this semester, and finishing the best you could, you couldn’t help but want to let everything go.

Namjoon, your best friend, your partner in crime, the one who stuck with you through all the fires, seeing you get hurt and sticking around to deal with the burns. You literally couldn’t go on any adventures without him or make any big decisions without his advice. He had been the only constant, and he was the only person you really had as a support now.

“Sure. I’m finishing my assignments but they’ll be done before tonight.”

“Mmk ♥♥.” You knew that Joon didn’t personally like your idea of fun, because he rather be doing other things, but he was always along for the ride. “Good luck!”

“Let’s have a good time tonight. We deserve it ;)”

⋆ ⋆ ⋆

From the way he pulled on Jimin’s sleeve, he could have been easily mistaken as a child. “Ahhh, wae, Jimin-ah. I need you,” he whined.

The whole time the boy begged, Jimin tried to remain as indifferent as possible. However, seconds later a smile flashed on his face, promising the other boy a chance at triumph.

“Yah, Taehyung-ah,” he started in a parent-like tone. “Do you not have any assignments left? Didn’t you have a big art project due?”

Taehyung pouted, his face dropping in disappointment.

Pleased with his ability to stay firm, Jimin folded his arms and raised his chin just the slightest bit. “We can’t play until we’ve finished our work—like the responsible haksaeng, students, we are.”

Exasperated, Taehyung asked the air more than anything, “Ah, wae..”

“Fine,” he perked up, heavily invested in this more-of-a-business-like proposal than anything, “I finish my portfolio by tonight, and you-” he pointed at Jimin’s chest, “have to grace me with your presence.” His charming, yet childishly and genuinely satisfied smile made an appearance to conclude the agreement.

Jimin smiled and looked up, amused and please all at the same time. He immediately switched back to his previous persona, face sullen. He raised his right eyebrow, as if considering the options, and gave one confirming nod. “Alright,” he extended his hand for a handshake.

Taehyung accepted the gesture, a goofy grin on his face. “Waaaaaa, Jimin-ssi. It was a pleasure working with you.”

The two laughed, and Taehyung confidently announced, “I’ll pick you up at 10,” winked, and then sauntered off. Jimin just shook his head and went back to work.

⋆ ⋆ ⋆

The snow had stopped, and so Taehyung sat on a city street bench, across from the coffee shop, trying to work at a masterpiece in his mind. He had his sketchbook on his lap and was pensively observing his surroundings. While it may have seemed like he was procrastinating this whole time, he really just hadn’t been able to muster up the concentration or inspiration necessary to enter into a creative mood, let alone the mental state he needed to be in for this project. Taehyung sighed.

I want you to use something from the ordinary everyday, something people wouldn’t think twice about. But I want you to convey it from the onlookers’ point of view, as precious or extraordinary from their eyes. That was the professor had demanded. But Taehyung had never really thought about things, things that weren’t so attractive or alluring, that they didn’t demand the attention of every person who laid eyes on them. He liked things like that. People that were so spectacular, their essence flowed, oozed off of them, making them irresistible.

It wasn’t that he pursued outwardly gorgeous people, or that he had shallow intentions, per say. He just enjoyed beautiful things and beautiful people. He saw people as art, and art came to life in his every day. He was always trying to find his muse in one thing or another.

One might even argue he was one of those beautiful people, one of the most exquisite pieces of living art. He never really thought about the people in the background, so indistinguishable they were barely silhouettes on a page. In life, from middle school—elementary even—into college he had been the feature highlight, the centerpiece, almost. Wherever he went, people just gravitated towards him. It was all he had known. And he didn’t really seem to mind.

Frustrated with the assignment, he dramatically sighed to the paper, fiddling with his pencil before he looked up for what felt like the thousandth time. But then he saw her. He saw you. With your brows furrowed in concentration, sending waves of intense synergetic energy with your glare towards the computer screen. Taehyung laughed in amusement, that same goofy grin tugging at the corners of his mouth. But then, what he thought was an indestructible focus was suddenly broken, as he saw you sneak an almost nonexistent glance towards the barista boy. And his eyebrows raised in partial-curiosity, partial-surprise.

Taehyung, a contemplative look resting on his face, came to a sudden realization. And then, with this newfound sense of purpose, he began sketching.

☾——————————————————————————————————☽

A/N: wow i’ve been meaning to post this, cause i’ve been excited about this♥ not exactly sure where this story headed, as far as character development, but i’m looking forward to what avenues i may end up exploring (hopefully with constant fluff included). plus, it’s kinda become my baby, haha.

☽

→ preview // chapter one // next

→ "coffee shop boy” playlist

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taglist: @monvieesdaebak