i was broken before all of it. that's the real kicker, i never stood a fucking chance. it's so easy to forget that, get caught up in all the trauma that came after. the fucked-up-ed-ness of my family and my grief and my abuse. because i'm still flinching. but i was like this before any of that.
that's how it started, remember? a chemical imbalance that fucked up a perfectly good ten year old. and that's something to be angry about now, a neon sign flashing validation. here's something to be angry about. cry for the child who didn't get a choice, cry for her, she didn't know what was wrong.
she didn't have a reason to be broken, it just happened one day. and there wasn't a why so maybe she made one. maybe that's why it happened. maybe it all got mixed up and there was always going to be all this hurt and i just started feeling it early. i don't believe in destiny, but maybe that's why it's fucking me over.
there's no “before” to go back to and that's something to be angry about, too. it's not fair, none of it is fucking fair, it should have been kind. i deserved for it to be kind.
who is the most photogenic on the team? "i would say...probably ekky. he loves to get his hair nice. it always looks nice." "i would say forsy, only with his shirt off" "woooooo!"
Louis Tomlinson being optimistic is the bravest act I know of. Every time I hear him talk about faith in the future, and I think about what he has worked through, I am moved to tears.
Not just his tour being cancelled when he was ready to go, and feeling like when will it be my turn?
But also the loss of his mom and his sister, being made to feel insecure about his voice and talent for over a decade, abuse and manipulation and mismanagement within the music industry, relentless closeting, and very likely some form of antigay 'neurolinguistic reprogramming' foisted upon him for money making purposes by Simon Cowell and his 'partner'/weaponized Dr Oz fraudster to the stars Paul McKenna.
Honestly Louis inspires me to do better for myself. To try again, to be kinder to myself, to feel I am worth it even if it is messy or imperfect.
I think he does that for a lot of people. It's the actual tommo way.