#6.im tired and vulnerable

[twwcs]

someone resting their head on your shoulder is the best compliment in my opinion

[meowsticmarvels]

i think i mightve talked abt this a bit in my longpost about how insane phi as a character is to me but yknow what i really wanna point out? all the nonary game shit she has to go through happens in really quick succession to her - she doesn't really get a proper "break" in between VLR and ZTD for her mentally. junpei and akane at least have about a year between the two, and sigma has 45 years (not that either of those situations were particularly good either though, looking at how sigma and junpei especially turned out, and sigma spent years WORKING on the AB game, just not participating in it). but for phi? she has a matter of DAYS in between the two. the time sigma spends she spends in cold sleep, so mentally to her, her consciousness goes from the events of VLR's phi end to DCOM almost instantly. dcom only ends up lasting for about 5 days, and even then the prologue states that phi/sigma/akane spent most of it worrying about radical-6 and the future + the flashback with diana shows phi is just so Tired after everything after just that. and then the decision game happens. my point is just that i cannot imagine being in a death game like that (not to mention everyone had radical-6, so she went from a body that Did have it to one that didn't, which i can imagine would probably a pretty weird experience considering one of its symptoms is messing up your perception of time. and also she was on the moon.), spending 5 days like god how did the apocalypse start i can't let it happen this time and then being in Another death game that is much more gruesome and violent. not to mention both of them in a way HAD to happen because of her (2074 nonary game bc it needed to train sigma and phi's SHIFTing abilities to a good enough degree and decision game one of the reasons was to ensure she and delta were born). in summary: i would fucking die at that point if i was phi dealing with that All At Once. in the span of a few days. and with the memories of my + others' deaths. what the fuck

[rabidblasphemy]

Im not what anyone needs. Im not who people want me to be and im so tired. I feel so sick and i am getting low again. I have my own feelings and not sure how to express and i dont want to exist.

[modyuki]

hello there :] I had recently stumbled upon this blog and i really love your writing sm,,, /pos /gen

could i request Rui or Tsukasa with a reader who loves cuddling and is very physically affectionate in private? And occasionally may hug them in their sleep? :0

✧ · 𝕃𝕠𝕧𝕖 𝔸𝕟𝕕 𝔸��𝕗𝕖𝕔𝕥𝕚𝕠𝕟 · ✧

Notes: Riddle me this riddle me that watch people this girl is back, no I didn't die this time but I had really poor motivation these past few months but I'll try to get back on track this time. So I hope you enjoy reading this as much as I enjoyed writing.

TW: none

summary: Rui and Tsukasa with an S/O that loves physical affection in private

♡ Rui also mostly enjoys physical affection more in private so he doesn’t mind that you prefer that over PDA

♡ when you both are at his or your house the two of you would lie down on his bed while he talks about his day and right after you talk about yours afterall he loves hearing you talk

♡ Or in another case scenario, while Rui is working on one of his projects he let's you sleep on his lap occasionally having you hug his waist in your sleep

♡ When you go to his house the two of you mostly cuddle, SPECIALLY if the two of you or if one of you had a tiring day you always feel comfortable in his arms and he loves holding you

♡ I feel like he would be a switch, he does love being the big spoon but eventually he would like to be the little spoon sometimes

♡ on the events that the two of you have a sleepover, you always end up sleeping first nuzzling your face into either his chest or neck

♡ He smiles at you caressing your head while he looks at your adorable sleeping face

"Im so lucky to have you as a partner"

♡ he would hug you close to him as if you are going to disappear if he let's go of you and drifts off to sleep next to you

♡Tsukasa loves physical affection aswell I feel like he would often sleep on your shoulder after practicing for the next WXS performance

♡ Tsukasa is much more vulnerable when in private with you

♡ Even if his room is literally a fucking Varanda

♡ Meaning Tsukasa tends to be much more open with you when the both or you are indoors

♡ He would often let you lie your head on his lap while you listen to him talk about all he did that day and often times when he had a really bad day about his insecurities and fears

♡I feel like he is also really fidgety and while talking he likes to play with your hair , doesn't matter if your hair is long or not he will play with your hair

♡If is the situation that he is having a bad day, you tend to let him lie his head on your shoulder or lap

♡If he lies on your shoulder you will lie your own head on top of his head while listening to his troubles he tends to keep to himself while holding his hand reassuring him you are listening to him

♡Now if he lies on your lap you will play with his hair gently while listening to him and if he cries you'd wipe his tear away with your thumb

"Thank you, for always listening to me S/O, this means the world to me"

"no need to thank me my star I'll always listen to you be it good or bad"

You move his hair out if the way and kiss his forhead

♡The both of you soon decide to lie on bed to cuddle and drift off to sleep , you deciding to be the bigger spoon to comfort him even further

♡He truly feels lucky to have someone like you as a partner

Notes: So umm HI yeah sorry for disappearing like this (^_-)-☆ my writing might be a bit rusty, but what happened was that school took a really huge tool on me and I'm already bad at school so I had to focus a bit more this year, luckily I didn't need to do any exams but, I got a 6/6 in English so yeah My English is amazing according to my grades BUT WELL ANYWAY, drink water get something to eat and take a break or else your stuffed animal gets it 😡

[gamblersdoll]

PUT MY NAME ON IT, NOW IT DESIGNER 6

angst, hurt to slight fluff, violence and graphic imagery.

“i didnt do shit.” hakari seethed, his hands scrambling for a good reason he was on the spot. he couldnt understand how it had happened, how possibly he had the money but had no transfers from your account to his or vice versa.

“well, how is it in your account!?” you seethed back. sinji had been long gone, which did make you question him, but you were more focused on hakari.

“i told you, i dont know girl!” he shouted, pacing back and forth and in circles.

you were growing tired. so torn in between believing him or giving him the benefit of doubt. a part of you chanted the fact that he had taken money or manipulated you into giving him some money when you were vulnerable, making it hard for his truth. and another part whispered about the past few months he had spent with you, the dates he took you on, the happiness you hadnt felt with sinji, everything. how could you believe him when your money was infact in his bank account ? how could you not believe him and it was a mistake on the transfers end?

you had been in your head for too long, and that worried hakari too much.

“hello?!” he shouted, snapping his fingers in your face. yes you hated when he did that outside of sex, but you needed that snap back to reality. “i didnt touch your money, babydoll. im way past that, dont you realize that?” he asked, tilting his head and looking at you to hope that you came to your senses.

you looked away from him, holding your arms and sighing deeply. you couldnt decide whether or not to believe him. you should believe him! but what if he actually did take the money? what if he didnt? if he didnt, then who did? would you have to start over? what about hakari?

“for now, just leave kinji.” you said, keeping your voice low and gaze away from him. you were definitely shaking, shaking with anxiety and fear, and deep regret. you dont know what exactly you regretted, but that emotion was just present.

hakari sucked his teeth, grabbing his jacket and then you in a fit. he grabbed you ahold by your arm, pulling to his stature and looked down at you. you felt scared for only a glimpse, knowing he isnt the type to beat on women, yet you got startled.

“when i prove this shit false, its gon be me and you.” he said, with somewhat malice and he gritted his eyebrows together. you and him? you wouldnt understand what his version of that was.

and he left without a second glance, slamming the door behind him. he was pissed, most definitely. pissed wasnt the word to use, seething, he was practically melting with rage and revenge. because he wasnt that kind of boy no more that would do that shit. he was grown, grown and well financially capable of taking care of himself, you, and certainly much more. so the fact he was even accused of theft from you drove him absolutely mad.



and the weeks of not talking to kinji were pure fucking hell. you wanted to reach out, you had to. you could actually say that you missed him, contrary to what you would verbalize. you couldnt land a finger on what had happened. and the truth could be right in front of you. hell, you know its some shit when even maki or panda were shocked– especially panda, since hakari was supposedly to exploit him.

and the house was no better. you were alone, but by choice. sinji of course would reach out to you and talk as if nothing had happened, as if he didnt just cause discord between you, him, and kin. you didnt want sinji, you wanted hakari, more than anything. you made the bed, you need to lie in it.

New notification!

you sprung out of your chair, hoping and praying to the gods it was hakari, your hakari, hoping he had texted you about seeing him, anything to show he was innocent like you wanted him to be.

“Sinji: what you wearin? 👀”

you groaned, throwing your head back and choosing to not reply. maybe you wouldnt talk to hakari ever. maybe that was the end of your chapter.

or so you thought.

it was maybe around one in the morning, you slowly drifting to sleep and having just binged watched some show that was trendy.. what was it? love is blind? you got ran the fuck over with that statement. but you felt your phone go off, groaning in annoyance and opening your phone. your heart shot up.

New notification!

“hakari: link @ that coffee shop you like first thing, dont keep me waiting.”

and you didnt keep him waiting, tapping your thumbs together and tapping your foot. he was sitting across from you, not even looking but you can tell he had maybe finally calmed down, he was unreadable at this time.

“hakari i-“ you started, but he interrupted you by putting his hand up, pausing you before you even started. you almost swatted his hand away, just from natural reaction, but you caught it before he caught you. he whipped his phone out, opening his transaction history and having you read it. “read that shit back to me.”

you read it slow, analyzing and gazing at everything. and you had never felt more confused or just slow.

“… what does any of this mean, kin?” you asked, failing to see the bigger picture or maybe you were just slow with a capital “s”.

“hard transaction deposit.” he repeated back, folding his arms together and looking at you. “that means that a third party went into your account, took your money, transferred it to my account, and was using a burner.” he said, he always did his best to not mansplain things but it was needed.

“okay, so.. was it any of your boys?” you asked, “because didnt you transfer money to me when we started talking again?”

“did i send it, or did i take money?” he asked, raising an eyebrow. “i have the option to send and transfer money to you, not take it out. and using last time isnt a good excuse ‘cause you sent it to me. neva had the option to take yo money straight from the accounts.”

“okay, thats true, ill give you that..” you said, chewing on your thumb nail, and causing hakari to move your hand away from your mouth. and receiving a ‘stop biting your nail, mama,’ “then who did?”

“the burner traces back to sinji, obviously.” he said, rolling his eyes and sucking his teeth. “the dumbass forgot about IP addresses and shit. i didn’t expect you to know cause numbers dont go good with you.” he jabbed, but thats just how he was. he wasn’t being a dick, though. he just knew the truth.

“im sorry-“

“oh, you will be.” he paused you again, giving a small smile. that scared the shit out of you, the whole saying of ‘fuck around find out’ shit from him.

“hakari chill out!” you said, but one of his clients holding their hand out in front of you to stop you in your tracks, shaking his head at you.

your current position? watching your.. ex? sneaky link? side man? hakari pounding his fist into sinji’s jaw and focusing only on that. sinji wasnt looking too hot.. shit , when did he ever? he was all bruised and purple, also soaked in blood from his broken nose and limp jaw that was clearly dislocated. this had gone on for at least ten minutes. and everyone knew that it was done now, you question how he was able to take a beating like that from hakari.

but for hakari, for one good last blow, stomped his shoulder blade in, hearing a crunch and sinji writhing in pain.

“ill but you a new carpet tomorrow, yall–“ he pointed at the clientele he had hired for his fight club, and shooing them out. “yall leave but be round at arms reach.” he said. “you.” he pointed at you, beckoning his finger at you, “cmere.” and you had no choice to.

“hak-“

“unt unt, no talking, you gon listen to this shit.” he said, putting a hand on your back and one around your throat softly. “you my girl now, no more sinji, in fact he gon watch me while i fuck you.” he said, gritting his eyebrows together and nibbling at your throat. “you and me.” he growled softly. “i fucken love you.”

you cant get a chance to respond, but you were already on your back while he was gripping at your clothes. it made you aroused, not lying to yourself. you needed this, because sinji hadnt dicked you down, and can never now.

“and bitchboy over here is going to hear, and watch me fuck my girl, whether he likes it or not.”

[mylostloversbookmarks]

Waiting for a Miracle

Characters - Joel Miller x Reader, Ellie Williams

Summary - After being attacked by raiders, you sustain a serious injury - Joel and Ellie do everything they can to save you but will it be enough?

Word Count - 2.5K

Warnings/Tags - 18+ only Minors dni. Typical canon language, Angst, mentions of blood and wounds, swearing, hurt, anxiety, pain, guilt, insecure!Joel, upset!Ellie. Suicide attempt mentioned but not heavily discussed. Im not a medical professional so forgive me if anything is medically inaccurate!

A/N - I hurt myself with this one! Set Post-Outbreak! This is heavily inspired by EP.6 ~ Kin and the beginning of Ep 7 ~ Left Behind, and I thought it would be fun to reverse the rolls on this.

Reblogs, comments and feedback are so welcome and so so appreciated!

If you enjoyed this check out my other works here ~ Masterlist

Divider credit to @saradika

As he walked through the barren wasteland, he could feel the all-too-familiar sense of desolation wash over him. The air is thin and icy, hurting his lungs as he inhales. The only sound that can be heard is the howl of the wind and the crunch of fresh snow under his tired, heavy footsteps.

Moving further down the dirt road, he can see the outline of the dilapidated farm house where he left Ellie watching over you. Its walls crumbled, the roof caved in, the windows shattered, and the once-blue front door hung loosely on its rusted hinges.

Inside, the scene was just as bleak. The remaining furniture was overturned and broken, thanks to raiders tearing their way through any property they came across.

The walls were peeling and covered from floor to ceiling in a thick coat of dirt and grime. A heavy layer of dust had settled over everything in sight.

Moving further into the house, he makes his way to the barricade he had put in place before he left you and Ellie this morning to look for more supplies and any medication he could get his hands on.

 "Ellie?" He huffs out to let her know it is him moving the barricade as he leans his weight on one side of the heavy mahogany book shelf, sliding it along the dingy wooden floor to reveal the doorway.

"Joel? Did you find anything?" Ellie's pleading voice is muffled from behind the closed door.

Opening the door, he finds Ellie in the exact spot he had left her several hours before, sitting on her knees beside the filthy matteress he had laid you on what felt like a lifetime ago.

She was hunched over you with an old rag in her hand, mopping up the sweat that was beading on your forehead. He could see the worry etched onto her face as she did everything she could to keep you comfortable. She looks up at him as he enters, her face grim.

"How is she?" he asked, his voice barely above a whisper. It wasn't that he didn't want to disturb you; he just wasn't sure he could stop his voice from breaking if he spoke any louder.

Ellie shook her head. "She's still unconscious, but I think her fever has gone down a bit and the wound isn't bleeding anymore."

Joel just nods, his eyes fixed on you. Seeing you lying there so helpless and vulnerable, like a ghost of your usual bubbly, sarcastic self, the ever-present crease between your brows was gone; your teeth were no longer fussing at your bottom lip; your smart mouth was no longer calling him out on his bullshit; and your face was pallid and covered in a sheen of sweat.

The sight stirred up a storm of emotions within him that he couldn't quite put a name to. Joel knew that he had always been drawn to you, even before the attack.

Though he would never admit it and always did his best to hide it. He couldn't place what it was about you that brought him out of himself, despite his best efforts to keep you at arm's length.

He had vowed to himself that he would never get attached to anyone again. Not after what happened to Sarah.

It wasn't that he didn't want to care about people, but he has learned that in this world, caring for people only brings pain, and he just didn't know if he could survive another loss.

He almost didn't survive it the first time. The faint scar on his temple is a constant reminder of the events he has drank himself into oblivion over on many occasions in the hopes of scarring them from his memory, but it never works.

Though Ellie had always ribbed him when she caught him watching you from a distance, usually when youd set up camp for the night and you were rolling out your sleeping bag or flipping through one of the books you had picked up on the road.

She would jab him in the ribs with her elblow, uttering "Eh? Eh?" with a wiggle of her fair eyebrows. He normally silences her quickly with a stern warning glance, worried you might overhear her.

Now, though, his feelings were more intense, and he didn't know if it was because he was too tired to keep up the effort to hide them or that the fear of losing you was overpowering every other thought that raced through his head.

His mind was consumed by guilt; he had failed. Again. He had failed Sarah. He had failed Ellie over and over, and now he has failed you. Failed to protect you from the man coming at you from behind because he was too fucking old and deaf to hear him coming.

He couldn't fathom why you both had insisted on staying with him when you had both overheard him speaking to Tommy. It was the first time Joel had opened up in what felt like two decades.

He openly admitted to his brother that he knew he was going to get you both killed. He begged Tommy to take Ellie the rest of the way, and he knew that you wouldn't leave her side.

He remembers standing in the stables thirty minutes after he had intended on leaving, pretending to check over the horses saddle and reins, when Ellie walked in, closely followed by you and Tommy.

He offered you both a choice, insisting you would be better off with Tommy. He didn't even make it through his sentence before Ellie was thrusting her pack into his chest, effectively silencing him.

You had given him a reassuring smile and a small nod as you moved to help Ellie onto the horse. And now here you are in front of him, lying lifeless on a soiled mattress in the dead of winter in the middle of nowhere because of him.

He knelt down beside the mattress and took your hand in his, his thumb rubbing small circles into the clammy back of your hand. Motioning to Ellie to pass him his pack, Joel opens it and takes out the supplies he found on his run.

"I found a drug store; it was mostly picked over, but I found this under one of the cabinates." He explains, lifting out a vile of pennicilin and a syringe that is still safely housed in its unopened sterile packaging. He says a silent prayer of thanks to whatever higher power allowed him to find this.

Ellie just nods, her eyes glued to Joel's hands, watching as he takes hold of your hand, turning it so it is palm-up as he rolls your sleeve up past the crease of your elbow, removing his belt and tightening it around your arm.

Tapping at the viens in the crease of your arm but getting no response, you had lost so much blood from the wound that your viens were refusing to stand to attention.

Joel doesn't want to risk injuring a vein, so he decides to inject you directly into your wound. He removes the belt, throwing it to the side, rolls your sleeve back down, and sets your hand back by your side.

"Ellie, Im going to need your help." He murmurs to her, his voice thick with emotion.

"What do you need me to do?" she implores him.

"I can't find a vein; she's lost too much blood, so I'm going to have to put it into the wound. It's going to be painful, but we don't have another option. I need you to hold her still no matter what, okay?" Joel demanded it as calmly as he could.

"Okay, I can do that," Ellie confided, her voice wobbling with the unshed tears that were threatening to spill over at any moment.

"Hey, she's going to make it; she's going to be okay," Joel promises her, his hand coming up to rest on her cheek, wiping away a tear that was making its way down her cheek.

Ellie just nods in response, her tears flowing freely now. Joel pulls the blanket down and gently rolls your t-shirt up your torso, stopping at your ribcage. Removing the bloodied gauze that was covering the wound just above your left hip.

The wound was deep and had left a jagged, misshaped circle of angry crimson on your otherwise smooth, perfect skin.

He tore open the plastic wrapping and removed the syringe from its packaging, taking a deep breath before inserting the needle into the vein and withdrawing the medication.

"Okay, hold her still," Joel says, his voice unsteady as he positions the needle over your wound, placing his other hand on your cheek and rubbing his thumb back and forth, willing you to hear him before he continues.

"Darlin, I'm sorry. This is going to hurt, okay? But it's going to help, I promise."

Ellie nods towards him, signaling she was ready; she has repositioned herself at your head, her hands resting on your shoulders, and tightens her hold on you as Joel inserts the needle and slowly pushes his thumb down on the plunger.

You flinch and groan in pain, but Ellie holds you steady, tears flowing down her face and leaving little dark spots where they land on the mattress.

Finally, Joel withdraws the needle and sets it back inside the packaging in an attempt to keep it as sterile as possible given the current surroundings.

He grabs another patch of gauze from his pack and presses it against the wound. He pulls your shirt down and lays the blanket back over you, tucking you in as best he can, being careful not to jostle you too much.

"That's it, sweetheart," he whispers, his voice gentle as he strokes your hair. "Now we wait," he sighs, more to himself than anyone else.

Joel and Ellie sit in silence for a few minutes, each lost in their own thoughts, exchanging worried glances, unsure of what the future holds.

Despite the uncertainty, Joel is determined to do everything he can to keep you safe and help you recover. He holds your hand tightly, and his thumb continues to rub small, reassuring circles into the back of your hand as he silently vows to protect you at all costs.

As the moments tick by, Ellie's anxiety grows with each shallow breath you take. She feels helpless and scared, unsure if you will make it through the night.

The weight of potentially losing another person she cares about is too much, and she breaks. Loud, ragged sobs break through her clenched teeth, shaking her small frame.

Joel's eyes snap up at the sudden sound, and he can feel his heart constricting at the sight of her tears. He releases your hand, pulling her into a tight embrace. He strokes her hair, whispering words of comfort in her ear as she cries into his chest.

"Hey, hey, it's okay, baby girl," Joel murmurs softly. "We're here for her. We're not going to leave her. We're going to get through this together."

Ellie clings to Joel tightly, her body wracked with sobs as she tries to process her emotions. She's scared of losing you and of what will happen if you don't make it. Joel's presence and his words provide some solace, giving her a glimmer of hope that things might be okay.

The three of you stay like that for what feels like hours, huddled together in the dimming light, listening to the sounds of your breathing.

It's a comfort to hear the sound even out ever so slightly and to know that you're fighting to stay alive as hard as they are to keep you with them.

Eventually, Ellie pulls away from him, wiping her eyes on the sleeve of her coat. She looks over at you, still sleeping on the matteress, and takes a deep breath.

"We're going to make it through this, right?" She asks, her voice wavering slightly.

"We are," Joel replies firmly, his gaze locked on you. "I'll do whatever it takes to keep you both safe."

Ellie nods, a look of determination taking over her face. She moves back to your side, taking your hand in hers and squeezing firmly.

"We're here; we're not going anywhere."

The hours passed by slowly; it was well past dark now and getting colder. Looking over at Ellie, Joel can see she is fighting to keep her eyes open.

"You need to get some rest; I'll stay up with her." He murmurs; his tone is serious, and she doesn't bother to argue with him.

"Okay, but you'll wake me if anything changes." Ellie pushed, not moving a muscle until she had his word.

"I will," he whispered solemnly.

Ellie stood and stretched for the first time in hours, grabbing her pack and unrolling her sleeping bag a few feet away from where Joel sat by your mattress.

She was so exhausted from the stress of the current situation that sleep found her quickly. In a matter of minutes, Joel could hear her soft snores.

Joel shifted into a more comfortable position beside you, stretching himself out on the floor so he was lying on his side, his head level with your own.

He reclaimed your hand in his. It was cold and limp, and he couldn't help but think about how much he had taken you for granted.

He has known that you were strong enough to handle anything that came your way and that you didn't need anyone's help. But now, as he looked at your pale face, he realised that it was ridiculous to think that anyone could have made it out of that situation in any other way.

He leans in close, his forehead resting against your hand, his eyes closed. "I'm sorry," he whispered. "I'm so sorry. I should have heard him. I should have protected you." His voice broke, and he struggled to hold back the tears that threatened to spill over.

There was a long moment of silence, broken only by your steady breathing, Ellie's snores, and the occasional creak of the old farmhouse. Joel stayed there, still holding your hand, lost in his thoughts. He thought about all the things he wanted to say to you and all the things he wished he had done differently.

He wished he had been more open with you and told you how much you meant to him. He wished he had hugged you and spent more time just being with you.

It was too late for those regrets now. All he could do was sit there, holding your hand or stroking your hair. Willing you to wake up and hoping that somehow, someway, you would pull through. That you would come back to him, and he could make things right.

As he sat watching the steady rise and fall of your chest. Joel knew that nothing would ever be the same again. That he would never be able to erase these memories and that he would always carry this pain with him.

But he also knew that he couldn't give up, that he had to keep fighting and keep pushing forward. For you. For Ellie. For himself.

And so he sat there, stroking your hair and whispering all the things he should have told you before, waiting for a miracle.

[mikachacha]

𝙰𝚕𝚕 𝚃𝚘𝚘 𝚆𝚎𝚕𝚕 (𝙱𝚊𝚍𝚊 𝙻𝚎𝚎 𝚡 𝚁𝚎𝚊𝚍𝚎𝚛) 𝙿𝚝. 4

Synopsis: Bada has been treating you bad but she doesn't wanna lose you so she does everything she could possibly pull off to get you back.

Warnings: angst, manipulation, gas lighting, love bombing, toxic behaviours and relationships, cursing. this is just one heavy thing so please be advised

(A/N: im still in awe that i was able to reach four damn chapters of this considering how lazy I am 🤧)

Prologue | Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 |

Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7 | Part 8

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Bada came home, a bit tired and she noticed something was off. The apartment was quiet and there wasn't any sign of you. Her heart began to pound when she called your name but there was no response. She ran to your shared bedroom and all of your belongings are no longer there. She frantically looked around but you were long gone. She tried texting you, calling you but you weren't answering. Her calls would just go straight to your voicemail. At that point, Bada felt lost. She's lost since you weren't there with her. She doesn't know what to do.

"No.. No.. I can't.. I can't lose you.." Bada could only pace around the apartment, trying to get a hold of you, your friends or anyone who might be in contact with you but to no avail. So Bada did what Bada does best, play the sad girlfriend who's desperate to find you and tell people that you left after a huge misunderstanding. She was desperate and she knows you too well that you really don't like way too much attention from other people and you really dislike having people meddling with your relationship and personal life.

Bada posted on her social media about being so sad that you left her without even saying goodbye. How she came home and you were no longer there along with your things. How you didn't give her a chance to even make up for everything and you just suddenly disappeared. Of course, people believed her. Even your family and friends did. Bada really knows how to get you back and she's not gonna stop until you come running back to her.

You tried to live your life the way you used to without Bada but it seems like you really can't escape her. It's like everyone and everything you do is pointing you back to her. You felt trapped. You didn't know what to do. So after almost a week of hiding from her, you finally messaged her to meet you at the park where she took you on a date once. You tried to brace yourself but when Bada came and she hugged you, you felt your walls crumbling down. You were crying. You were in despair, you were broken, you were scared. So many emotions hitting you all at once and Bada took advantage of your vulnerability.

"Baby.. I know things didn't go well between us but please.. Please give me this one last chance to make things better. You still love me, right? You still want to be with me, right? Want me to make things better for us? Want me to make this all stop?" Bada coos and stroked your hair while you sobbed in her arms. You wanted to say no, you wanted to get away from her, you wanted to tell her to go fuck herself because you're through but it seems like you couldn't find it in yourself to do it. You just nodded and Bada couldn't help but smile. She knew how to get you back, she knows you too well and she's gonna make sure that you won't be leaving her again any time soon.

That night, you came back home again. You were too tired to refuse, too tired to argue, too tired with everything. Bada began to treat you real well again. Spoiling you, making sure to make you feel special again and making sure that you're seen with her everywhere she goes. You should be happy but it made you feel so much worse. When will this go back to being bad? When will she stop caring again? When will she stop 'loving' you again?

Bada would cook you meals, take you out on dates and buying you things. She's also bringing you to all of her works just so she could keep an eye on you. You hated it but what else can you really do at this point? You just pretended that nothing's wrong, that everything's perfect between you and Bada. Maybe if you pretend enough, you can fool yourself as well into believing that everything's fine. That Bada truly loves you and that your relationship will be fixed. Though what she's showing you now scares you. When will it end? When will she stop showing that she cares? When will she make you feel that you're an idiot believing that she actually loves you? Those thoughts kept plaguing your mind and won't let you sleep at night.

"I'm glad you and Bada are back together now.. You guys look so perfect!" one of Bada's friends said as you sat at the back, watching Bada teach her class and you wanted to snap, you wanted to scream, you wanted everyone to realize that no, you're not glad that you got back together. You wanted to run away, you wanted to escape this nightmare that you're going through. But you can't. Because Bada has painted herself as the good person. The amazing partner who is madly in love with you, who's willing to take you back even if you left her, the person who's willing to give you the whole world just to have you back. And then you'll be this ungrateful bitch who took such amazing person for granted and everyone will hate you.

"Yeah.. I'm glad as well.." you said, looking away as you felt yourself tearing up from your own words. You felt crushed by your own lie that you oh so desperately wanted to believe.

It went on like that for months. You being the never needy, ever lovely jewel that shine reflects on Bada. You're like the perfect girlfriend for Bada that's always there supporting her and being loved by Bada but only if they knew what happens inside the apartment you shared with her. There were times she's sweet and there are times that she made you feel like you're the most useless human being in the world and that you're only there because of Bada.

"Y/N go make me something to eat. I'm starving." Bada ordered as you were cleaning around the living room. You hated it when she's not working. She's just horrible towards you and you're sick of it.

"Why don't you make your own damn food? I'm not your fucking slave and I'm tired of you treating me like crap whenever no one's around!" you yelled and slammed the mop on the ground and Bada chuckled coldly, standing up and stood in front of you. You were supposed to cower before when she did that but not today. All the anger and emotions that you've bottled for months is finally about to burst.

"Oh yeah? Then why are you still here? You could've left me, Y/N. You could've went back to the states the first time you left but you didn't because deep down, you still need me. You can't live without me. Let's face it, you're bound to be just a pretty little thing to keep me company until I finally get tired of you and discard you. But even after that, you'll still chase me around because you're just like that, Y/N. And will always be like that." Bada's words felt like being stabbed, shot, zapped and ran over all at once. Even if you deny it, her words still held some truth to it.

"Yeah, I still love you, Bada! Still so damn in love with you even if you hurt me, even if you keep breaking me like those damned promises you told me. But I'm done. I'm so done with you, so done with this relationship, so done with all your bullshits!" tears were streaming down your face but there's this burning determination inside you that Bada can't put out even with those words. You're determined to leave, you're determined to put yourself first. You want to help yourself out and away from this relationship to which you did exactly.

You pushed past her and went to grab and pack all the belongings that are important and you can carry. You pushed past her when she tried to stop you from leaving. You are so done and you didn't want to be her pretty little toy anymore. It all ends today. It all ends now. You didn't care if you were wearing your pajamas to the airport. You didn't care if you had to spend a lot of money just to get a ticket to go back to the states. You didn't care about the cameras being pointed your way, taking pictures and videos of you looking so disheveled for them to post and share on social media. All you cared about is you, and the feeling of being free from Bada's clutches.

————;

@lil-elliesgf @efyyylee @hwm1hyun @mikaleialt @bunnywonyo @badaswifey @mrs-grim-reaper @b1ackbunny @wifey-badalee

[doumadono]

Emergency Request.

Hi author, i finally have the courage to share this. These past few years, I've been dealing with academic pressure, means im expected to be in the Honor's list. Every single morning i get yelled at especially when i didn't wake up early (my class starts at 12 noon till 6:30 in the evening) im really tired and yesterday morning, my mom threw a chair at my room because i wake up late. My heart was really really heavy that time and so i decided that i had enough. So while my mom was taking a bath, i stole money from her wallet, just wiped my body with wipes and got dressed. She thought that I'll be heading to school early so she didn't mind. When i left my home i got to my phone and searched 'psychologists near me'. It took me 3 hours to find a clinic that was open for people who didn't have appointments. Fast forward, hours later i arrived at the clinic and got consulted by a psychologist. Before the psychologist ask me what's wrong, believe me or not i already cried hard, cried and cried and told him all the unspoken pain i kept for years. To sum it up, they called my parents and consulted them too. I was a minor that time and it was already late so they really had to call my parents.

I only went to this route since i had no one to talk and cry on. With that being said, can i request todoroki comforting someone? Maybe the reader had the same situation as me but had no one to turn to except todoroki?

(This happened last year when i was at the 11th Grade. I finished my medications months ago and feeling more happy :))))

Embrace of warmth and chill - Shoto x Reader

A/N: it takes incredible strength to open up about such struggles, and I commend you for taking that courageous step. Remember that seeking help is a sign of resilience, not weakness. I'm glad you reached out to a psychologist, and I hope the support you receive brings you the understanding and guidance you deserve

EMERGENCY REQS MASTERLIST

In the quiet sanctuary of his room, Todoroki Shoto sat on the bed, contemplating the gentle dance of shadows on the walls. The soft glow of his desk lamp provided a muted atmosphere, and his mind lingered on the words he had just heard. The door creaked open, and there you stood, a silhouette worn down by the weight of unspoken pain.

His heterochromatic eyes caught the glimpse of your eyes, mirroring a storm of emotions. Without a word, he gestured for you to sit beside him. The silence lingered for a moment, heavy with the unspoken burden you carried. Finally, you broke the quietude, your voice barely above a whisper as you began to share the weight you had been carrying.

Todoroki listened intently, his expression a canvas of empathy and understanding. The warmth of his presence enveloped you, providing a sanctuary in the storm that raged within. As you recounted the struggles, the academic pressures, and the desperation that led you to this very room, he remained a steadfast anchor.

"I… I just needed someone to hear me out," you admitted, your voice cracking with vulnerability. "It's so, oh so hard, Shoto…"

He nodded, a silent acknowledgment of the pain you had endured alone. "I understand," Todoroki responded, his words carrying a genuine sincerity that reached the depths of your weary soul.

A subtle touch of his hand on your shoulder offered comfort, a silent reassurance that you were not alone in this moment. "Sometimes, it's okay to let others share the burden," he said, his voice a soothing balm to your wounded spirit.

In the quiet of that room, Todoroki found the right words, a delicate balance of empathy and strength. "I may not fully understand what you've been through, but I'm here for you, always," he affirmed, his stoic demeanor softened by the genuine concern etched across his features.

As the weight of your confessions lifted, tears streamed down your face, an emotional release long overdue. Todoroki handed you a tissue. "It's alright to cry. It doesn't make you weak," he reassured, his eyes reflecting a depth of understanding that transcended mere sympathy as he rubbed your shoulders.

Through the tears and the shared vulnerabilities, a connection blossomed. Todoroki, often reserved, found himself opening up in return. He spoke of his own struggles, the internal battles that defined his journey. The vulnerability he shared created a bridge, a connection that went beyond words.

"You don't have to steal moments of solace. There are people who care about you, who want to help you carry the load. And I'm among them."

The air in Todoroki's room seemed to shimmer with a subtle blend of warmth and chill as you found yourself wrapped in his embrace. As his arms enveloped you, you couldn't help but marvel at the duality of his touch. One side of him radiated a soothing coolness, while the other emanated a gentle warmth. It was a sensation that defied logic, a tangible representation of the conflicting elements within him.

You nestled into the crook of his embrace, your head finding a comfortable spot against his chest. The coolness seeped through your clothes, sending a refreshing wave across your body. Simultaneously, the warmth from his other side cocooned you in a comforting embrace, creating a delicate equilibrium.

His breath, a gentle rhythm, whispered against your hair, and you closed your eyes, savoring the unique symphony of sensations.

Todoroki's grip tightened ever so slightly, as if he sought solace in the physical connection just as much as you did. His usually reserved demeanor melted away in this shared moment, replaced by a silent understanding that transcended words. "It's okay. I promise that brighter days lay ahead."

[haruniki]

Surpise kisses! - CSM characters (Makima, Kobeni, Power, Asa)

summary: giving your girlfriend some surprise kisses for whatever reason. Could be because they were being cute or maybe you just wanted to surprise the ones who normally aren't surprised by any of your antics!

a/n: haven't done one of these in a while, i miss doing these longer post. I just feel kinda burned out writing them lol gonna try to make more of these might use this same idea for a HSR version , also i hc Makima to be a little over 6 ft tall bc i love tall women and have a v serious problem called im short and tall women make me feel things

Makima

Makima is usually very aware of her surroundings. She's even more aware of you.

Maybe it's due to her being the control devil and her need to know she has control over things, but she doesn't tend to get surprised very easily. Catching someone like her off guard is tough, maybe even impossible.

But really late nights home from the office can leave her feeling fatigue, maybe even a bit vulnerable. But she's fine feeling vulnerable with it, makes her feel human.

Taking her coat off as a few of the dogs jump to get an ounce of attention from the woman, she doesn't notice that you had gotten so close to her.

Only noticing after she stands up from kneeling on the ground petting one of the smaller dogs, she meets your lips. It seems you had planned this out a bit, waiting until she stood up just often to meet you.

Her reaction wasn't quite as excepted, sure her eyes got a bit wider, but she didn't seem any more surprised than that.

Mostly flustered individuals on this list

She gives a smile before standing up all the way, she seems a little less tired than she looked when she first entered the apartment.

"That was a very pleasant surprise. I think more of those would be nice, you'd spare me a few more, right?"

Kobeni

She might actually pass out.

Kobeni enjoys kissing as much as any other flustered person, but surprise ones are definitely a one way ticket to be having a red face for the next couple of hours.

And surprise her with a good luck kisses on her way out to work was definitely not very helpful, now all she can think about it how soft your lips were. Now she has to deal with teasing from her coworkers.

Tries not to think about it, but she really wishes that she could get another one. Maybe you'll surprise her with one when she gets home or maybe she could surprise you with one of her own. Thinking about it just makes her face even redder.

"S..So not fair! I bet they're not even h.. half as red as i am! Just wait until I get home"

I don't think she even really notices? Power just thinks it's a regular kiss, maybe she jsut thinks all kisses are surprised kisses? Or maybe the surprise kisses were the friends we made along the way

Kobeni gets to shy to try to surprise you with a kiss so she just asks if she could get another kiss.

Power

In any case, Power loves getting kissed so she doesn't really mind. She's more likely to surprise you with kisses.

Her favorite way to surpise you with a kiss or two is to lay ontop of you until you wake up to which she'll start kissing anywhere and everywhere she can.

Sharing a juice box together didn't seem like too big of a deal. You had said you left your own drink at home and didn't want to buy one from the vending machine. It was sold out of your favorite drink, so as the kind girlfriend Asa was, she offered that you both share a drink.

A bit scary and a little bit painful as she has bitten you once or twice on accident. Possibly even scrapped you with her horns once or twice.

"HUH!? What do ya mean i can't wake you up like that anymore? You should be lucky that the almighty Power wakes you up like that... Biting you is just another form of a kisses, those bloodsucker bugs do it all the time!"

Asa Miktaka

Still sipping the juice box, Asa's faces turns a bit red. Asa takes the straw out of her mouth and puts her hand to her lips. She's a little embarrassed that she didn't think of it like that.

As you were both talking and taking sips from the juice box, you let out a small laugh as Asa took another. She shoots a questioning look to you and you share what you were giggling about.

"This kinda counts as our first kiss, y'know? Indirectly but still technically a kiss."

A bit more embarrassed that her first kiss wasn't even an actual kiss. She was even more flustered when you pulled her hand away and gave her the actual kiss she wanted.

"There, fixed it. I thought a real kiss would be better than having an indirect one.. Your face is a little too red, you okay Asa?"

[autisticempathydaemon]

your match up game looks so fun ‼️‼️‼️‼️ i wanna try it out hehe (rambling ahead)

1. beast of blood by malice mizer :3 i honestly don't have a reason other than it being chaotic enough that it fills up empty noise in my brain lol

2. 5w6 !!

3. ohh i LOVE youtube essays/analyses whether i'm fully listening or have em as background noise, i love horror youtube deep dives, particularly about analog/digital horror series and that one creepypasta iceberg hehe

4. i don't think i've ever had one ? to be honest i don't think i ever thought abt it until i saw it in like . cartoons n shit , never rlly knew about the concept of imaginary friends as a kid 😭

5. recently i use redacted sleep aid audios but most of the time i just . stay awake until my brain shuts down 🤞

6. honestly? i never thought abt this . but the first thing that came into my mind was veronica (idk either!!) though if i genuinely wanted to change my name i'd want it to be gender neutral, and tbh i doubt i'd have any important meaning behind it i'd just pick whatevr sounds nice

7. guy's sleep audio !!!! i joke about wanting guy angst a lot but to be real . this audio of his is so vulnerable .. like before that we only saw him being a goof and stuff yaknow . . idk that one forreals hit different 4 me

8. as much as i love every character, i do not understand why gavin is the most popular😭 don't get me wrong , love him, maybe it's because i haven't listened to the fl series but i do not get the hype💔

9. i don't know all the words per se but i would have to say mean girls . . as problematic as that movie is now its iconic and i love it and i need to rewatch it BAD .

10. damien tbh . haven't gotten to his other audios but i think i would want 2 be besties w him i relate 2 him a good amount (he also seems like the type id be intimidated into doing well in school for)

11. to be real i wld not be able to ramble if im tired LOL i think i'd be more quiet bcz i have a hard time sleeping to begin with

12. tbh just a soda (coca cola bcz i am basic) i go to convenience stores n stuff after school so im only there to pick up something quick before i go home so im in and im out 🔥🔥

13. the 2007 sweeney todd soundtrack 🤞 i cannawt find the movie ANYWHERE and its nostalgic to me so listening to the songs is the closest i'll get to scratch the itch in my brain

14. fnaf tbh EHWHEHW i've been into fnaf ever since i was a kid and it's stuck with me because it's what got me into horror n stuff  🫶

15. i'm a saggitarius, my mbti is INTP, i love horror and fashion, despite wearing a lot of darker alt fashion, my favorite color is pink (my phone case is decorated to the gods its very ridiculous) i like doing my own nails (funnily enough in bright colors) , i think i relate to honey the most in terms of personality, and i like to analyze most of the media im into!!

So part of my thought process is based on your personality types, the Troubleshooter and the Logician. However, I have to admit a bigger part of my reasoning is I think Asher would love your fashion sense and would contrast you so cutely.

Like, on a deep, core level, your personality types give me the impression of someone who’s thoughtful and analytical and capable of solving problems. Those are good traits for a beta’s mate, especially when Asher can have more social, impulsive tendencies. On a funsies level, I imagine Asher dresses like your typical So Cal dude, kinda surfer chic, and he loves your style and what an odd pair you make. Like, on all levels but especially physical, you are the embodiment of the black cat/golden retriever couple.

Asher loves everything about you, so many things about you he finds it hard to pick a favorite. He loves the contrast between your dark clothes and your bright nails, loves asking you to paint his while you’re at it so y’all can match. He loves watching FNAF theories with you, because he was definitely a FNAF teenager. He even loves watching scary movies with you though he’s terrible with them. (Asher’s the type that loves the adrenaline rush while it’s playing but regrets it once it’s time to lock up the house.)

Song:

In the car, I just can't wait/ To pick you up on our very first date/ Is it cool if I hold your hand?/ Is it wrong if I think it's lame to dance?/ Do you like my stupid hair?/ Would you guess that I didn't know what to wear?/ I'm just scared of what you think/ You make me nervous so I really can't eat/ Let's go/ Don't wait/ This night's almost over

Given we canonically know Asher to be a FOB fanboy, it’s hardly a leap to assume he’s a Blink fan, especially this song. I think this particular track is not only fun and nostalgic to him but captures his energy and vibes, how he felt when he first fell in love with you. It’s also catchy as hell, so you know he’s singing this at you full-volume all the time.

Runner-ups:

Anytime someone says they’re a horror fan, I’ve got to put Guy in their big three; one of my top headcanons is that he writes some gripping horror and loves it as a genre. (I also think he loves FNAF lore and finds it so fun, though he was not impressed by the movie.) I also love Lasko for you because I think he admires your bold, authentic fashion choices and finds them inspirational.

Read this post and send me an ask if you’d like a match-up of your own! 💌

[rispwr]

Heaven and back | JK | one shot

Pairings: fem!reader x jungkook

Contents: alchohol, mentions of r@pe, smut, slight fingering,drugs, greenflag jungkook

Summary: you were on a late night clubbing with your friends jimin, namjoon, hoseok, mina, nayeon. Your bestfriend of 6 years, who is jimin puts a drug in your drink, basically drugging you. Jungkook the guy whom you meet helps you.

_________________________________________

“What’s up y/n? You okay?” Said namjoon, my friend worried about me as my vision starts to get slowly blurry. I took another sip of my drink thinking it would help more.

It’s so hot.

I can’t hear anything.

My vision starts fogging up, but clear enough to see jimin from across the table looking at me, smirking at me in pure lust. I started breathing heavily as i try to catch my breath, i felt so hot. I could feel my body slowly shutting down second by second.

“Im just gonna go to the bathroom” i said in a low and tired voice as i struggle to get up “need some help y/n?” Mina, nayeon, and namjoon offers me help as the others apart from jimin were already knocked down on the couch. “I-im fine.” I answered as i tried my best to smile. I knew jimin had something to do with this. He’s been looking at me weirdly.

I walked my way towards to the toilet as my legs tremble. I felt like everything was shaking and spinning. And before i could even go to the toilet, i fell.

I collapsed as i felt someone catching me from behind holding my head up making sure my head didn’t hit the floor. Jimin stood there from afar, watching me collapse as the man catches me with his dark and annoyed gaze, biting the inside of his cheek.

“Miss? Miss???” “Are you okay??” Said the man to my unconscious body. He then carried me in a bridal style carrying me to his mercedes benz. “Miss.” He then gently places me on the passenger seat of his mercedes benz, making my dress show slight of my cleveage.

My vision was going back. I raised my head looking around at the unfamiliar interior of the car. I turn to the man as my eyes widen in shock “w-who are you??!???” I said scared.

“Miss. Someone drugged you and you collapsed on your way to the restroom.” He then coldly respond. “I don’t believe you. Did you take advantage of me???” I said as i was in a shock. “Miss, if i didn’t get you out of that club that man would’ve raped you already.” He coldly answered again as he stirs the wheel, driving. “Sober up yourself. I know the man put something in your drink, i saw him.” I turn to him in curiousity “w-who was it?..” i asked fidgeting with my fingers. “I have no idea who that guy is but he has greyish blond hair and i think i saw him on your table earlier.” “You should be carefull of who you put yourself around with.” He answers me.

Jimin? I can’t believe this. This has to be some sort of a joke.

“Stop the car. Im going home” i said

“No miss. You think i’ll let a fragile woman wearing that dress walk alone in the street in that vulnerable state??” He responds. “I- I don’t even know you..are you kidnapping me??” I said as tears starts forming my eyes, scared and confused. Mixed emotions took over me. “Clearly miss You’re not a kid. And i am not the type of man like that” he says coldly “i-it’s so hot..” i said as i start slipping the strap of my dress down as he took his right hand from the steering wheel to stop me from taking off my clothes. “Miss..you’re drunk and drugged. Please.” He pleaded me not to take my clothes off as i did anyway, he sighed avoiding looking at my half naked sweating body. I then fell asleep again. “I’ll take you to my house and i’ll take you home tomorrow.” He says before i fell asleep again.

“We’re here.” He then taps me on my shoulder as he took off his jacket to cover my half naked body trying to wake me up. “Wake up miss, we’re here.” He said once again but no response.

He sighed. He then proceeded to carry me to the elevator in a bridal style bringing me to his apartment.

We arrived at the apartment with me still asleep, in his arms as he gently places me on his bed.

“Please..” i whined as i pulled him closer onto me. “Miss, you’re drunk and drugged. Just go to sleep” he responds trying to get off of me but i held him onto me tighter “i am not. Im sober. Can’t you see??” I whined giving a smile thinking it would convince him “miss-“ before he could say anything i shushed him as i put my finger on his lip “i have a name and it’s y/n. Don’t miss miss me. Got it?” I said raising my eyebrows at him as i poked his nose gently while laughing. We then remained eye contact “okay…..” “y/n…” he said. Things between us started to tense. I leaned in to kiss him as I passionately suck on his lip as i then enter my tounge inside of his mouth.”y/n.. this is wrong” he says in between the kiss “I don’t wanna take advantage of you..” he said pulling me away as i licked my lips. “I’m completely sober please” i said in a whiny voice as i wrapped my arms around his neck. “No you’re not.” “Yes i am!”

“Prove it to me.” He said, his voice going going slightly deeper, darker and huskier.

I then smash my lips onto him once again this time more roughly. “Are you sure you won’t regret this tomorrow morning?” He asks me making sure he has my consent before we do anything. “Yes i will not.” “But wait what’s your name?” I asked him “jungkook” he answers as his hands slowly caressed my thighs slowly making his way up “ you’re so…wet?” He says with a grin. He then starts circlinv my clit making me arch my back. “Mhmm” i moaned. “Say my name baby” he hissed as he started kissing my neck “mhmm, jungkook” i whimpered as he continued to circle my clit.

“I-im gonna cum” i moaned. He then stops rubbing me and unzips his pants “oh how good it would be to fuck your mouth right now baby” he said “why not now?” I said as i look him in the eye hungrily “maybe another time.” He pulled down his pants as he teases my entrance with his cock. “You’re such a tease aren’t you? Huh?” I said annoyed “impatient” he chuckles as he enters into me slowly, giving me time to adjust. He then starts thrusting into me, in and out. Each thrusts becoming harder, aggressive, and deeper. “Fuck you’re so good” he praises me. “F-fuck im- im- im gonna cum jungkook” i moaned as i felt i was coming closer “fuck baby. Cum for me got it?” He said “m-mhm…” i whimpered. He then starts squeezing my boobs as he thrusts into me “fuck jungkook! Cum in me!” I moaned as i was so lost in the pleasure. “Want me to fill you up huh?” “You dirty girl” “i’ll mark you mine.” “You’re mine only” words came out of his mouth every thrust he makes. I finally let out my cum as i felt his warm release into me “fuck.” He cusses. “Jungkook..” i whined “yes?” He answers “c-can you clean me up? Im sorry..” i said “no don’t say sorry. Are you feeling okay?” He asks me making sure i was feeling alright.

[littlejumpydogheart]

6/21/24

chicken drumsticks w peach/walnut/goat cheese/pickled onions salad I made for dinner ( ◠‿◠ )

after dinner I went biking (the construction fence blocking the path south was finally taken down!) and stopped at a small stone dam to read the two towers (the second lotr book). I was gripped! it is the end of the book and sam and frodo (two hobbits) are in a lot of danger.

I’m really moved by how Tolkien expresses their love and intimacy through sleep - i think when you fall asleep it is one of the biggest shows of vulnerability and trust - you can just be - this is your home. and there is this beautiful scene where their companion gollum, who himself is hardened and sick with lust for the ring, comes across them both asleep and holding each other, and he is so overcome with longing he touches frodo’s knee, awakened for a moment to his own humanity, the love before him he is invited into but ultimately denies himself.

I’ve seen what it’s like when people go blind with hatred and blame, it’s a really sorry thing, because they are killing themselves, they are really just hurting themselves in the end. And no matter what love is offered them (through action and word) only they can choose to either accept it or mock it.

I witnessed this when my neighbor suddenly started calling me the name of her sister who she hates, viciously screaming at the top of her lungs, she couldn’t even see me anymore. Now I am not positioning myself as a savior to her or anyone, but I have visited her for the past three years and she has welcomed me in her home. In the past, I might’ve taken it personally - been shocked and disturbed and offended, or born it and prided myself on my altruism without being realistic to the situation - but I understand better this is not about me. This is her and her relationship with God, herself, and others. I know when to be quiet and step away.

on the way home: a bridge at night

the fireflies seemed to light up the path home, like the air was glimmering

just before bed, I watched unchained with my dad, a documentary show about the Tour de France. I love it! I would write some more, but it’s getting late and im tired, so I’ll leave it at that :)

[systems-overloaded]

i dont normally talk about disability stuff here i dont think, but i actually want to right now, and its relevant to me as a whole, so whatever.

(im not being specific about dx though, parts are scared somehow that could identify us, because not all conditions are common.)

~~~~

had an apptmnt the other day, i think yesterday? it was within this week for sure.

i thought i was there for a new wheelchair evaluation, but apparently these are the people who had to refer me to the people who do the evaluations and order you the wheelchairs.

a bit discouraged, because i was anticipating this being particularly a wheelchair evaluation, not just a dr whos going to document the need for a wheelchair evaluation (which. ive needed my powerchair inside my own home for 6+ years now, and my conditions only gotten worse. im absolutely overdue for another chair. there shouldnt be even more steps then there already are.)

at the apptmnt though, i honestly thought i did a good job masking. i was able to talk enough to answer questions, but thankfully my mom was there and said upfront that i have trouble sometimes with speech, that its very tiring for me. so i was able to just kinda point to her and say "too many words" and shed said some of my medical histories for me. but i answered all the questions about my relevant symptoms and pain types/levels, etc. i definitely stumbled and fumbled some words, but i thought it was "within normal speech", just maybe "tired person speech".

but when i looked at the drs notes today, under "psych" they put "flat effect". i mean... i know i have a flat effect, some alters are definitely more expressive naturally, but there are many who are just hardcore masking all the time. i struggle with even trying to mask and make those expressions (the ones others within do). but like... i thought i did a good enough job? i thought i smiled some or made some expressions? i dont think drs have ever added that before in our charts.

idk, maybe this is just from unmasking, or because im different from the parts that used to be fronting at those appointments? im not sure.

~~~~~

and im... a bit scared to be honest. for some reason every couple years, especially around autumn, the subsystems that are the main fronters, change. and although ive been fronting for most our lives, i dont think ive ever been out this much, in such a sort amount of time.

am i (and the others i have better communication with) just the new fronters? does that mean, since we all struggle to talk alot in varying degrees, and struggle to mask or create expressions, that were now going to be even more visibly autistic? visibly /vulnerable/? (like, yeah i use a power chair all the time, but i dont view that as vulnerable. i dont think it makes ppl see me as a potential target.) being visibly autistic, being visibly someone who'll rely on AAC (even when just part time, or when i can technically get some words out), and also being visibly queer at certain times, ooph... ooph. ahhhh thats ummmmm a bit scary.

~~~~~~~~

back to the appointment though. ultimately, they documented what was shared well in the notes. there was absolutely a miscommunication, they said i used my rollator in the house occasionally (id shared that i own a rollator, and had used it in the past. prior to needing my powerchair, so there mustve been a miscommunication with how i worded my response, or their interpretations). and i think some confusion initially about my conditions (since theyre used to seeing like spinal cord injuries, or people with strokes pretty much exclusively), but in the end they said i need my powerchair to complete my ADLs and that ill need the features of tilt, relcine, leg elevation, and custom positioning seating, and they specified well for which conditions i need them for. they covered all the info needed for insurance to approve those features. so i dont think imma go through the hassle of asking them to correct it.

~~~~~

im sending hopes and wishes towards the universe, for all things to go smoothly. for everything to get covered easily and for all the things that will improve my quality of life, improve my capacity for independence, to lessen my pain, and all me to be more functional even just within my home.

any well thoughts towards this is appreciated. (well thoughts and wishes, not prayers)

[borderline-gays-club]

7/20/24. 11:20pm

Tw: self harm, suicidal ideation

Lol at me thinking my BPD just magically disappeared..granted I’ve gotten significantly and noticeably better throughout the years.

But I’m going through it right now and feeling immensely triggered and vulnerable and my mind is in a dark place. I’m having repetitive thoughts of self harm, wanting to die, feeling paranoid, etc etc. but in all honesty it’s not really new. It’s just been a while. And maybe if anything this is a little alert from inside of myself that I need to address something.

When I connected that emotional pain has a similar mechanism as physical pain, it helped me to be able to sit with the pain a bit better. Pain exists to alert your system that something needs attention right now. Like if you put your hand on a flame and didn’t feel pain, then your whole hand would burn up eventually burning your whole body.

And right now I am feeling deeply in emotional pain. And it’s mostly just old pains that are being brought up by something that happened. I accidentally did something that triggered a meltdown in my best friend last night. And on top of that I just sat in the other room hearing their cries and wails. I was frozen.

I created the problem then couldn’t do anything to soothe the problem. So now I feel like I’m a useless person and can’t understand why anyone would ever want to be my friend. I can’t understand why anyone would ever love me.

And let me pause here. I’m not just thinking these thoughts but I’m deeply feeling them right now and therefore I feel pain. But rationally I know that connecting this incident to those definitive thoughts is not correct. Yet I feel it and a big part of me now believes it. And again, I know this feeling will pass but this is where I’m at now.

This is a very delicate place to be. Because it’s important to feel the pain, but it’s another thing to prolong the pain. Like for example if you get a cut and it scabs, but then you keep picking at the scab so the wound just keeps getting reopened. I have to be careful not to do that. Because that’s when things can get dangerous.

But right now there’s a part of me that wants to get to that point. I am so tired of feeling like I have to control so much of myself to just exist, and on top of that surviving everyday feels so difficult. Im never eating enough bc money, i never feel rested after sleeping ever, all my clothes just trigger body dysmorphia, and like idk this country is rapidly becoming more and more fascist !!! Like !!!????

All the microcosms of my own internal turmoils feels so insignificant to all the global crises. But I need to remind myself that it’s all connected. Bc it is.

And I’m afraid I’m going to die without ever experiencing love for someone else or even for myself. I’m scared of dying without actually knowing who I am. I don’t want to die as this fragmented being. I want my personal dreams to come true as well, but I think I fear not knowing who I am even more. That to me feels like an eternal torture.

I’m going to be very honest. I feel the desire to cut myself even though I haven’t done it in like 6 years. I haven’t felt this desire in a very very long time. And I’m going to be even more honest: I don’t know if I’ll be able to not do it. But then again I tend to underestimate my willpower at times.

My brain is alerting me a lot right now and I just want someone else to come in and sort it all out for me. I’m tired of feeling like I’m doing it all by myself.

[pink-strawberry-kissess]

I dont even like the re4re ending with the separate ways line and now Adas not in DI, where is my ship? Is aeon even alive anymore im tired. I hope she will show up at some point. They cannot put her aside, nor can they eliminate her from Leon's life. They have to give him some closure.

okay so let's kinda break this down

since re2r, it's been clear that they've been taking care with how to write aeon. a lot of it (og timeline) seems rushed and so campy. leon loves ada after knowing her for a few hours?

realistically he's known her for a few hours, and then didn't see her again for 6 years; so his interactions with her in re4r make sense. but we have ada's perspective as well to work with. we know that she's known where leon has been for these 6 years as well. even if she didn't keep close track of him- we can kind of assume that she at least knew that leon was on the mission

we see how vulnerable ada is, and i LOVE THAT, that she really is more than just "sexy asian spy lady."

another thing is that ada is one of the most interesting characters of re. sure she's shrouded in mystery, but it's gotten to the point now where fans really want to know more about her. give us her backstory, her motivations, her personal desires (outside of just leon), why she does the things she does.

it's fun to speculate; mine being that she screws over people for her own personal gain or her own sense of morals. she chooses the lesser evil because she knows she can. she's not evil and has never been evil- and people have a hard time understanding that morality isn't just good = good, bad = bad. (the biggest glaring hint to this is that it was always clear that ada betrays wesker at the end of re4, but in re4r they had to JUST SAY IT OUT LOUD AND SHOW HER. Cause if we DON'T SHOW IT, then american audiences DO NOT UNDERSTAND)

it's easy to write good characters and villians. it's a million times harder to write morally gray characters. and ada has always been under utilized in the games and movies. we see an amazing arc with her in 2,4,6. And 6 being her most fleshed out story and in really showcasing what she's like.

i don't think it's a coincidence that lily gao had talked about characterizing ada as more than just a sex symbol. and that's also a huge issue that needs to be tackled separately. that ada has ALWAYS been a sex symbol, but she's MORE than that. and to simply reduce her down to "sexy asian lady, with sexy voice," is such a disservice to her character growth and arc.

i think that it's also a bit on the misogynistic side to always be on leon's side. where's ada's closure? where's the exploration of her trauma? if we really broke down re6, we see ada struggling with her identity being stolen, blackmailed, and it can not be easy handling it all. she's so strong and has been seen to be strong- she puts on a smile for leon, but drops it the second she thinks he can't see her anymore

give them both the closure they need. ada is the third most popular character after leon and jill, sometimes even surpassing chris. she needs to be written well and have exploration of the aeon ship shown and fleshed out. capcom has been pairing leon and ada together for 25+ years. give the older fans the closure they need as well.

now until more people have seen DI, i don't want to speak on it much, so i won't be feel free to ask me again in a few weeks after the movie is more widely available for people.

tl;dr i think they just want to have aeon be more grounded and this makes the most sense- and they don't see each other for another 2-6 years after 2004, so that would be their 3rd ish meeting. there's still plenty of time to work to "that night" and then damnation and then re6.

[the-one-blog-to-rule-them-all]

it’s been three months since I got my lobes pierced and I still haven’t taken them out or switched them bc the people online say I should wait like 6 months or else I’m a dumb piece of shit, but the other people online say I should do it after 6 weeks or else I’m being paranoid.

I love my health anxiety bc it makes this a real Sophie’s choice. Do I give in to my HA and keep these fuckers in for another three months and THEN maybe change them?? Or do I change them now and expose myself to the possibility of things going wrong because it’s ultimately not that big of a deal?? My incessant need for control makes that last one difficult because if I wait longer that means nothing will go wrong while I’m waiting so I’m in control. If I change them then it allows my body and healing and new earrings in the hole control.

Anyways I should probably tell my therapist that but honestly we’ve been treading water trying to get to “how do you want to show up for your sister” for the last month and a half cause I keep finding new things to talk about 😭😭 she’s so great though. I keep thinking not much has changed but when I look at all of the vulnerable conversations I’ve had with people over the last 6 months or so it’s really a huge difference. I’m still WAYYYYY needing work done and will continue to need therapy for quite some time but I’m happy to see results. And I feel like I can be so honest with Rebecca even when I don’t want to be.

Anyways#2 I feel soooooooo tired and crummy cause I ate like SHITE today (half a box of really mediocre cookies smh) but don’t wanna sleep cause I get a little shpooked sleeping by myself since my FIANCEEEEE is gone. Im considering getting a Swedish massage tomorrow afternoon if they have any walk ins available and then like idk just loafing around again. Me and the cats be vibing today. I wanna draw but idk what I wanna draw. Preferably something that will kinda boost my numbers. My nick drawing actually pulled some good numbers which was surprising so I’m trying to keep that momentum.