#6 years of therapy
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Having a working brain chemestry be like
EVERYONE SHOUT WITH ME: I AM HERE I'M AWAKE! CAUSE THIS WORLD IS MINE TO TAKE!!!!
#FUCK YOU LIFE I MADE IT#IN YOUR FACE#32 years of pain and struggles and anxiety#15 years of depression#6 years of therapy#one very awful breakup with nearly my whole family#(I love you lil bro)#AND ONE ADHD DIAGNOSIS WITH THE RIGHT MEDS TO HELP#I MADE IT#LOOK AT ME I MADE IT!!!!#I will crash so hard#because I always crash#but these highs feel so fucking good#and some day the crashes won't come as hard#and I am here for all of it!#I am having such a great time right now!#celebrate with me!#CAUSE THIS WORLD IS OURS TO TAKE!!!!#Spotify
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I could fix my brain. I am fixable.
#experimental therapy drugs#6 years of therapy#two people pretending to be my parents and complimenting me every 5 seconds#stim toys#like a lot of stim toys#autismswing#therapy#psychology books#philosophy books#spiritualjourney#self actualization#big tiddy alt girl#catboy maid#spiritual experience#drugs#sense deprivation tank#compression vest
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back with my astarion bullshit again
#lmao people who followed this blog for my good omens hilarious memes im so sorry#the artist is not okay#and chooses to be silly uwu#sometimes you just go fhndjkadsjfnghnfdjsk#drawing astarion as a form of therapy episode 6#look at the improvement compared to my last year Astarions tho#i can draw faces so much better now#he finally resembles a human mission accomplished#oh boy it's been so longggggg#idk i just need to be in that -very specific- emotional state to draw Astarion#and it so happens that I am#my sweet emotional support vampire#he'll be okay#(he won't)#*makes a noise*#hoooo blood#there's a metaphor in there somewhere....#bg3#bg3 astarion#astarion#baldur's gate 3#astarion fanart
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Okay. Proper, healthy parents would never have let their sixteen year old know that they were traumatized by something- no matter WHAT it is their kid did- and had to "get over it". Much less drag that out for YEARS.
She was a child.
As @x-birdsong-x says: "you cannot tell your kid that She Did A Bad Thing that It Was All Her Fault that You Can't Believe She Did That that She Was Always The Problem There that She Caused All That Trouble to the point she believes it so strongly to the point she carries so much guilt so much desperation for absolution that when a kid who did the same thing who is the same age she was shows up, she spends every second of it making everything worse by going This Is How It Has To Be This Is What You Need To Do Next".
#BIRD THANK YOU FOR THE ADAMS BRAINROT IM DYING#so i hid screwups from my father made up school awards to please my mom/whatever made the steak taste better whatever kept the waters calm#alexa play our word 36 questions#i need to die over this. these lines live in my head#i will never be over 'in two months i came running home. it took my parents years to get over it.'#also#i say this with 6+ years of experience in therapy including emdr and family therapy#among other things#my caps#8x06#jessica adams#greg house#meta#friend meta#my meta#rewatch lb#v*
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Need an acknowledgement after Buddie goes canon of them having had latent or explicit feelings for each other for years. This isn’t a case of “oh, we were best friends for years and then one day we woke up and were in love.” This is a case of “we’ve been best friends for years, and we’ve been falling in love with each other since the day we met. We just didn’t understand it yet.” We’ve already had Buck’s realization that he’s bisexual, but his arc was chock-full of obliviousness to his attraction to Eddie, his feelings for Eddie, whose attention he actually wants. He still doesn’t really get it, but he gets that he likes men too, at least. Eddie is a whole other ball game. From the Catholic guilt to the toxic masculinity to the childhood emotional neglect to the pressure he keeps putting on himself to perform in relationships. He’s repressed as hell, and he isn’t to “I’m gay” yet, but we see hints of him understanding that how he feels might be a little different (his pause at “follow your heart, not Christopher’s” from Carla, his two talks with Bobby, admitting to performance anxiety on dates to the whole team, his talk with Buck about Marisol being an ex-nun, his acceptance that Ana and a ready-made family was the reason for his panic attack).
We know that the two of them are bad at identifying how they really feel, or at least allowing themselves to feel it. So, it makes way more sense for the show to admit that they’ve had romantic feelings for each other for years, rather than trying to convince the audience that what we’ve been watching these past seven seasons isn’t a product of two characters’ struggles with their identity and relationships. And while I’d be satisfied with a light-hearted snark from Hen or Chim about how they’ve been seeing it for years, I’d be so much happier with a full circle moment of the boys actually fully knowing themselves, acknowledging that they were never just best friends, they just didn’t understand it yet. It would show their series-long growth, as well as being an enormous tip of the hat to the audience. Because we aren’t misinterpreting it. We’re reading the queer-coding directly from the show, yes through subtext of course, but also the literal text. There have been so many moments deserving of acknowledgement in this regard, and I would hate for Buddie to go canon without it being clarified that those moments were exactly as queer and/or romantic as we thought.
#buddie#911#9-1-1#911 abc#9-1-1 abc#eddie diaz#evan buckley#gay eddie diaz#bisexual evan buckley#christopher diaz#bobby nash#carla price#marisol nolastname#ana flores#hen wilson#chimney han#howie han#I just feel like it would be a shame to miss an opportunity here#you’ve written this gorgeous love story across so many seasons and you SHOULD acknowledge that#something something#you accidentally wrote the most beautiful love story of our time (and silly tv shows)#let’s play a game#would you rather#acknowledge that buddie has been romantically framed for YEARS in and outside of the show universe OR#pretend that you’ve only been writing them as romantically coded or the two abc seasons#we know they were supposed to have a BIG shift after the sniper arc#and that means there’s at least several episodes in s4 that are romantically coded for buddie (shocker)#then they tried to walk that back in s5-6 bc fox/higher ups shut buddie down but we still got an insane sequence of events in s5#with Eddie’s therapy arc and THEN the s6 couch theory that drove everyone crazy only to disappear the moment the show switched to abc#they’ve been romantically framed for YEARS and I think they should tell us that straight up in the show
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like a dream nightmare made real.
#fgo#fate/grand order#lostbelt 6#gudao#morgan (fate)#cosmos in the lostbelt#digital#comic#everyone who urged us not to forget Faerie Britain doesn't have to worry. we'll be remembering it in therapy for years
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Conner and bizarro finally meet
on a random lonely day in the Kansas country side, Conner is rocking in a rocking chair reading a book lex got him. it's a big fat comic collection about this guy who works with the FDA for some reason and he's honestly just enthralled. there's a whoosh sound and suddenly Jason and bizarro appear, Jason has his arm over the shoulder of bizarro as he waves over to Conner. Conner is pretty confused who the other guy is.
Conner: hi Jason, who's with you?
Jason: oh this is bizarro, he's kind of my son.
Conner: since when?
Jason: since ages, lex basically was going to kill him but we accidentally broke him out of his containment. long story short he's here he's my son.
bizarro: *waves* bye! I'm bizarro
Conner: hi bizarro
Jason: don't mind him he's words are a bit backwards, something about the programming didn't quite work. all negative verbs and such are positives and all positives are negatives. we are working on it right buddy?
bizarro: I'm resting on it!
Jason: speech therapy is hard, he's perfectly normal he just has some mixed up brain functions. lex actually managed to reverse alot of the degenerative disease problems, so you know bizarro is just struggling with a few things. he's doing way better than before though right buddy?
bizarro: I'm not fine, I'm doing bad! red is doing a bad job
Jason: aw, thanks. I try, we really have to work on the negative verbs, but it's fine we can try again later. anyway I wanted you to meet your brother bizarro!
Conner: *holds out hand* nice to meet you bizarro, what do you like to do?
bizarro: I hate… reading books and watching movies, it’s not fun.
Conner: oh! I love reading books, I have some if you want one.
bizarro: I’m not interested, I hate reading. No thanks!
Conner: wait here I’ll go get one!
Conner runs into the house to go grab some books, he didn’t really know he had a brother but this was kinda cool. Even if it came out of nowhere.
Conner: I have.. Julia Gillard’s cookbook, pride and prejudice, moby dick, and.. bionicules? Honestly I don’t think I’ll read them again so you can have them, my gift!
Bizarro looks at Conner and smiles, he takes the books and starts reading them on the floor of the patio.
Jason: I know I should have called you, but we never have the chance to meet up.
Conner: it’s fine, honestly. I was just reading some comics, been a long week. Just wanted to soak up some sun, since Lex was nagging me about it.
Jason: Lex??
Conner: oh I didn’t tell you, yeah we are kinda trying to fix things between us. I think it has something to do with the whole kryptonite induced cancer, thing. He surprisingly actually does not mean any harm to me, it's so weird.
Jason: damn, even Lex of all people is trying to mend his relationships. Never thought I’d see the day.
Conner: oh it was weird, he came up to the house and actually apologised to me. Lex. APOLOGISED
Jason: NO WAY, I don’t believe you *crosses arms*
Connor: I wish I had it on tape, but no he did. It was so weird, then he told me he actually was pregnant with me.
Jason: wait… *murmurs* when would that have been.
Conner: oh a couple years ago as I’m about 4-5 now.
Jason: oh yeah he did basically disappear for a whole year one year, kinda thought he had some sort of horrible injury or assassin on his tail. Didn’t really think he was having you?
Connor: honestly I would not know, because again didn’t exist yet.
Jason: that’s actually around the time bizarro was made actually, well a year or 2 beforehand.
Connor: yeah makes sense, wait. bizarro is older than me?
bizarro: I'm younger than other superman.
Connor: true I do think your older than me, does lex keep saying anything about dissolving DNA to you guys?
Jason: on yeah that's what originally happened to biz over here, right buddy?
bizarro: me DNA re- reconsti- reconstituted.
Connor: oh damn, that most be why he is motherhen'ing so bad. "you really should be checking for it every 2 weeks" as lex says to me fortnightly now. ugh annoying.
Jason: really? guess I'll take his advice that does unironically sound like a good idea. Connor, well this has been nice. but we have to go or we are going to miss family dinner. see ya
Connor: honestly nice that you dropped by, nice to meet you bizarro!
bizarro: hi other superman!
Connor: you can call me Kon if you like
bizarro: hi Kon!
Connor: see you both enjoy the books! I'm sure bizarro will enjoy them
Jason: oh totally pride and prejudice is my favourite, I was looking for a copy for biz actually it's a wonderful gift, nice seeing you! see you next time for the space pirates?
Connor: always, those fucking space pirates though
bizarro: I love space pirates, they are the best
Connor: lol you're so right, bye guys!!
bizarro + Jason: bye!!!!
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#-pop#bizarro#dc comic#red hood and the outlaws#Jason todd#batfamily#superfam#superboy#superfamily#kon el#connor kent#kon el kent#kon kent#kon el superboy#the comic Connor is reading is Chew lol#also Jason 100% has been doing speech therapy with bizarro he sits down everyday and helps him read things out and pronounce it right#he struggles but he's doing great! he almost dissolved into nothing though.#he's like 5-7 years old give him a break he's a kid#he did become incredibly smart for a period but again he was still like 4-5 mentally a smart 4-5 year old is smart. then his DNA dissolved#he's like Connor they are way way younger than they physically are and don't have the life experience yet#Connor is a mix of comics Connor and young justice tv show#he's just more laidback then hyper or angry he grew out of his baby faze as he was like 6-7 months old when they broke him out of Cadmus#bizarro is chill he's cool. he hangs around Jason literally all day
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(Alt text under read more)
I think "one or more of them is in danger or almost fucking dies, in the process discovering their child's impurity, and then after a lot of emotional turmoil they just pass the fuck out the second they're safe and calm again thanks to the awful, exhausting day they've had" is a scenario I write weirdly often for this messy as hell family
Anyway. Family cuddles. My babygirl is exhausted and deserves to be held for once
ID start: A black and white doodle of the Pale King, White Lady, and Pure Vessel from Hollow Knight as humans. The three of them are covered in bruises and scratches. They're sleeping in a pile of blankets with the Pure Vessel tucked in between their parents, with only their face showing. The Pale King is hugging them with both sets of his arms, his face buried in their hair, while the White Lady lays beside them with her arm drapped over the both of them and roots coiling around them. End ID.
#faaf au#spooky arts#pale king#white lady#pure vessel#half assing the tags#while i do adore my usual messy and long story of their relationship evolving with time and forging a familial bond through blood and tears#after everything that happened and all the wrong theyve done. i still enjoy putting them in situations thay force them to either communicate#or show that they care for and love their child and vice versa. essentially resolving 8 years of plot in like. a week tops#thats only half a joke they legitimately skip over like 5-6 years of miscommunication. further hurt and resentment#theres still lots lf family therapy theyre gonna need but theyre starting it on a better note than the classic faaf#also flower coming to terms with the fact theyve been abused WHILE in contact with their parents and the two getting first row seats to that#and just how much their kid will bend backwards to come up with any excuses for what theyve done to them is fun
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Why did no one tell me that the "chemical imbalance" theory has largely been disproven, that serotonin and dopamine can't cause mental illness on their own? Why have all mental health professionals been pushing this idea as fact? I've always thought the whole BPD diagnosis was bogus, just modern day hysteria slapped onto (mostly) women with complex-PTSD. Almost an official gaslight, like "your trauma wasn't traumatic enough to warrant the PTSD label so we're going to act like your brain is malfunctioning". So I'm not surprised to find all this out.
Can we finally begin a trauma-informed approach toward mainstream mental health shit? Especially mood disorders? Let's not rule chemicals and hormones out entirely, but let's acknowledge that trauma and genes have far stronger ties to mental health.
#obviously genetics are a huge factor too#and socioeconomic status altho i would also consider that under the trauma umbrella??#im starting to wonder whether my meds were really helping me chemically#or if they were giving a placebo affect bc they affected me physically so much at first#like “this feels intense so they must be legit”#and then the belief carried me through being open to therapy and healing etc#definitely pulled me from the edge of suicide#either way they helped me#i wonder if I'd be ok off them now that its been like 6+ years#NONE OF THIS IS ADVICE BTW#personal#tw medical#chronic depression#chronic anxiety#borderline personality disorder#actually borderline#cptsd
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American but similar issues re autism: my therapist had me do the RAADSr test as it’s pretty accurate in lieu of actual autism testing. I scored high enough that, with notes from friends who’ve known me since childhood (family isn’t helpful), got me an unofficial official diagnosis. It probably won’t help if you’re going for support or aid with official stuff, but knowing made me feel a little less harsh on there being something inherently wrong with me. Good luck on your journey!
Thank you for the suggestion!! I took a peek at it and ran through a couple & while my scores on the high side I just don't feel like it's super accurate cause a lot of it left me confused
What is a "normal tone", how do you quantify sympathy especially if you work in medicine (I don't FEEL anything but I still do my best to comfort people), what is a "normal rhythm" for speech, how would I know if people currently consider me odd (as it would be extremely inappropriate for your coworkers to say sm like that to you), "younger than 16" feels so broad, like does it mean as a child? a teen? I just wish it was a little more specific, I struggled with answering a lot of these because I act very differently in a professional setting vs casual social settings.
Maybe I'm reading into these questions too much ( ゚_ゝ`)
#I personally don't think I need official support as it would genuinely be just to get an 'answer' but#i have lowkey given up on it after i spent 6 years in therapy with 6 different meds before being diagnosed with bipolar#and 3 years bouncing between different specialists to find the source of 'non specific inflammation' only for them to shrug and#send me to the next one like a hot potato cause 'idk man try x'#my job also accommodates me fairly well & let me work remotely or with headphones on in a separate office#ask#anon#delete later#maybe
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one of my epic cool traits is asking bus drivers to stop at the weirdest, most obscure, half defunct since 1975 bus stops known to man😎
#bat rambles#me and this extremely sun bleached bus sign have a special tension going on <3#when i was going to physical therapy for the first time i had to wait at a stop that#“no one waited at for 6 years” -bus driver#cool stuff
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god fucking dammit when do I get to start estrogen I can't with the dysphoria anymore
#trans#transgender#transfem#i dont live in the us im not talking about having to wait 4 years or anything but just dawg why do i have to go through 6+ months of therapy#just to absolutely make sure i really want it and wont regret it or whatever the fuck when im literally avoiding seeing myself at all just#cuz i cant bear the fucking thought of not being a girl like im so done with society man fuck this shit#venting
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irl is liveblogging marcus' event to me and it hurts. the end hurts so bad
#seeing into what goes inside her head in the events of chapter 6.... my god her self-loathing is hurting me#like jesus fucking lord. everyone says isolde or kakania needs therapy after the events of chapter 6 but fuck marcus needs it so much#too. this 5'0 17 year old can fit so much self-loathing in her....
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probably applying to a community college in the next couple months to do some science prereqs
#(regardless of what the transfer admin for my ideal school says i need the prereqs and there's no sense paying $500-$600/credit hr)#my plan is. if he thinks my credits will count for the LE's (gen eds have new name now??) i'll ask for advice on like#which community college/public colleges offer the gen eds for me to transfer in with my app#/should i start an AAS in rad tech first and transfer in#and then i'll sign up for gen admission at one of the community colleges get my prereqs complete and/or get the associates degree#get my references and some patient experience (and see if i have any feasible aptitude for it ofc)#do at LEAST 4 hrs of job shadowing and maybe see about getting dosimetry shadowing as well#THEN........ apply for BS radiography programs n see what happens#I have a 3.5 from my prev degree and most of my super basic placements done from that#if i end up getting all A's-B+'s in my community college/transfer placement courses I'll come in with at least a 3.7 (4.0 if possible)#all these programs are so crazy competitive 😅 so i'm gonna have to do a lot more to get in just to get to the interview stage#and then i gotta do well on the interview#but a lot of the colleges are points based so I need to meet the minimum points to get there anyways#and once i get to interview i gotta hope they like me and my passion gets me through#everyone wants to be a rad tech#not everyone wants to be a rad tech + rad therapy + dosimetrist!!!#I'd really love to be able to get my masters in dosimetry but it depends on a lot of factors#good thing im autistic and i love absorbing info like a sponge...#personal stuff#i did email the transfer admin back!#so we will see how it all shakes out#the 5-6 years will pass anyways yknow?#i wanna have a path i feel happy or content with when i'm 35. i wanna have a career i feel proud of and don't dread going to work for.#also a career that lets me leave this damn country 😅 ffs...
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Consider, if you will, AU (either with canon post-s1 pre-s2 events but D.A.D.D.I.E.S. solves things before season 2 would start, or no Doodler/betrayal but Nicky still has to leave because FBI or other reasons) in which Terry Jr is the full time drama teacher for Teen High. Nicky returns from wherever he's been and is like "Well I want to be an active part of my kid's life and try and make up for lost time. I should go to his parents' evening, find out how he's doing in school, and meet his teachers. Especially this Mr Marlowe guy, Taylor seems to think he's awesome." And walking right into that classroom/hall to find his ex-boyfriend best friend sitting there in a dorky sweater and tie combo
Cue Terry, without missing a beat, greeting them as if nothing is wrong
Internal: when the FUCK did he come back and oh my god this is so awkward fuck I have to be professional how do I tell this guy that his kid is a loveable little shit after everything that's happened oh god oh fuck
Externally: "Hello Taylor and Mr Close-Foster-Freeman. I'm Taylor's drama teacher" *shakes hand* "Would you like to take a seat?"
#Nicky: I should go to Taylor's parents evening#Cassandra knowing full well that Terry is the drama teacher: you know what that sounds like a great idea#Both Terry Jr and Nicky afterwards sent her the So was anyone going to tell me blank meme#Nicky spending that night freaking out to Cass like#Did he get hotter??? I swear he got hotter in the 13 years I've been away#It's not fair Cass his eyes are even pretty in the school's shitty lights that they don't have the budget to fix#He looks so good in a tie Cassie. WHY DOES HE LOOK SO GOOD IN A TIE#Also when the fuck did he get married#WHAT DO YOU MEAN HE HAS A DAUGHTER#....Cass he would be so good with kids I think I'm going to die#(Nicky was wrong as Terry is so bad with teenagers)#Cassandra completely unimpressed just trying to do her woodwork#But also very indulgent towards her ex-husband's tomfoolery#Nicky: do you think his wife is okay with poly relationships#Cassandra: a) I'm pretty sure Terry would require a minimum of 6 months joint and individual therapy for both of you#Before you can start dating again#And b) if she is let me know because Veronica is a Snacc#I have many thoughts about this if you can't tell#Which I may expand on it requested#terry jr#dungeons and daddies#terry stampler#dndads#terry jr stampler#dndads s2#dndads terry jr#nicholas foster#nick close#nicky freeman#nicky close foster
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do you have any thoughts on the story of abraham and isaac? my parents talk about it and praise abraham for being willing to kill his son which..... scares me to say the least, and i'd love to hear your perspective as someone who seems more well-adjusted
Where I am now, it disgusts me more than anything. The interpretation of "I'm willing to sacrifice your life if I was told to" feels like the step before "I put you into this world and I can take you out of it." It's entitlement to a child, who is an independent individual, just because they are dependent on you for survival. I prefer the interpretation of understanding the actions you're taking and the reasons why (like how there's multiple religions that don't eat pork because it was so unsafe to eat at the time), especially if it's at someone else's expense.
Where I was in the thick of it all, it gave me morbid comfort that scares me now. I had fantasies of being a martyr for the church and the idea of being the next Isaac was just so appealing. Being a hand-selected sacrifice chosen by the Good Lord Himself? Sign me the fuck up, babey!
I think if I admitted that to my family, they'd be horrified.
It's another one of those stories or beliefs where I think the majority of christians just regurgitate what they've heard. It's a point of pride and devotion, but there's no personal reflection or cross-cultural awareness of it. Lean not unto your own understanding and whatnot. It's the potential that scares me the most, like the Quiverfull movement with the Duggars or Turpins. I'm sure there's stories now, but I can't remember them off the top of my head
(Also I will be telling my therapist someone on Tumblr called me "more well-adjusted" thank you anon)
#My therapist has called me 'surprisingly well-adjusted' before#He has since retracted that title and given it back multiple times#I don't know if you relate more to the 'Scared of my parents for praising that' or the 'Scared that I was okay with that' part#maybe both#either way the cycle ends here with you#No more bible quips and quotes that harm you and others. You find your own understanding and eventually it feels nice#It doesn't at first I will admit that. At first it feels like you're gonna go to Hell Right Here Right Now#But eventually you learn to trust yourself. It's a slow process. I've been in therapy for a good 6-7 years now#But one day you wake up and notice life feels more authentic. You feel like your values matter (and they actually do!)#And again it's slow. It's in bits and piece and back and forth. My worst habit is switching something from religious to moral#I highly recommend this type of therapy called ACT it's a CBT subtype#I'm usually not a fan of cbt so u know it helps if I recommend a subtype of it#CBT shit is so cheap I got a workbook from the library#this isnt relevant to the post but#my cat is trying to steal my burger king rn#it gets better (I have a cat) but progress isn't linear (eating burger king)#ex christian#religious trauma#anon tag
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