#500 speed is CRAZY

[risingsunresistance]

the description goes so far to the side now 😭

i'm so speedy

[unearthlydream]

it's infuriating because i have such a great long form story idea and i've not written long form like that in a while buttttt now my brain can only think in prose and it's all i want to do and it's so silly and stupid i need these words out of my head lol

[nitewingbabi]

↳ call me anytime             ⚤ ghostface x female!reader  【 18+ ONLY — Minors DNI 】warnings ⇢ sexting, swearing, pinning, mentions of blood/killing, degrading, breeding-kink, rawr, overstimulation, mentions of somnophilia, pervert ghostface, voyeur, stalking, the usual dirty stuff ✉ taking requests first part  ▻  please respond…i showed you my cock second part  ▻ a pretty mouth  tag @drpreminjer a/n; wrote this while listening to call me - blondie, and it just made the whole thing a lot hotter. if this gets 500 notes then I’ll put out a part four 

“This is going to be fun.” He was hungry for you, his jeans were off within seconds of seeing your pussy sprawled out for him. You turned your head in hopes to see him but from your angle it was hard. 

“I’m going to fuck up this pussy, you’re gonna be dripping with my cum when I’m finished with you.” You could only moan as you felt his hot tip brush against your slit, running along the thin crack and ever so slowly pressing into your folds just slightly. 

The tease was enough to drive you into psychosis, but you were pretty sure you were already there. At least now you could tick ‘fuck a serial killer’ off your bucket list. 

After dragging the head of his cock along your folds did he finally push in, the first inch painful as it surpassed your hole with a ‘pop’. After that he pushed himself further in til the base of his cock was against your thighs and ass. His thrusts were harsh but slow, teasing yet fulfilling. His own moans began to mix with yours as he started to speed up his pace. 

The sounds of pleasure and skin slapping echoed off your walls, and if you weren’t already turned on the smack delivered to your left cheek made you weak. It took you by surprise but it made you melt at the rush it gave you. 

“Such a slut, you’ve been dying to be fucked like this haven’t you? Been waiting for me to fill up your hole? Make you into a dirty whore. Feels good being fucked by a real man? A real killer.” You could barely get a word out as his thrusts became more violent and he was slamming against your cervix, ripping screams from your throat of pain and pleasure. He stopped his movements for a moment, flipping you over and pushing your legs against your chest. 

He slipped your shirt up, your tits falling out and bouncing as he thrusted back in and out. You didn’t take your eyes off him, looking over his body to see he had a button up shirt underneath his cloak and his pale toned abs were peeking through. His cock drilling in and out of you was a sight you thought you’d never get to see. 

His leather gloved fingers toyed with your perked nipples, twisting oh so painfully that it pulled a yelp from your lips. You loved it and hated it at the same time, wanted more and wanted him to slow down. 

“Such a dirty princess.” He muttered, almost going crazy with his thrusting as he could tell you were reaching your high. Your eyes watered at the immense sensation that passed through you, body shaking and clutching onto his arms as he continued to pound in and out. Your thrashing for him to stop was frustrating and he grabbed your wrists, pinning them down by your sides and pushing even harder. 

“P-p-please! I can’t—“ you tried to get out but your body felt like it was going into overdrive and spasming from the overstimulation. 

“You can princess. You will.” He laughed at your tears, throwing his head back as he began chasing his own orgasm. His moans got louder and you could feel yourself clenching as another orgasm would be ripped from you. 

“Fucking cum on my cock princess. Cum on your master’s cock. Do it for me.” You had only just realised that he was not using protection and you didn’t have any form of birth control. 

“W-wait, I’m not—“ you tried to speak but he cut you off. 

“Oh I know, I’m going to fill you up with me. Does that scare you? Carrying my baby? Carrying a murder’s baby? I thought you liked it like this princess? Hmm? Don’t back out now, I’m s-so fucking close—fuck!” His high came quicker than he wanted, clashing with your own high and both your juices flooding each other. Your orgasm clouded your mind and his cum warmed your walls. 

His hips had clashed against yours a few short times before he stopped riding out his high. Looking down and seeing you so full of his cum it was pouring out of you. He pulled his cock out, both your juices coating the member. 

You weren’t sure what to say but you wanted to say something. Anything. But what do you say to ghostface after he fucked you and came inside your pussy? You sat up, feeling slightly icky at the feeling of cum all over your thighs and comforter. 

He was making quick work of his pants and cloak, grabbing your chin to stop you from saying anything. 

“Until next time princess.” He placed his glove over your eyes and removed just the bottom of his mask to shove his tongue in your mouth and leave you with a taste of alcohol and what you guessed was marijuana as well. It made your heart race and you didn’t open your eyes until after he had left, looking over the damage that he had done. 

You knew you’d be at the pharmacy as soon as it opened the next morning. There was no way you were getting pregnant by a killer. 

-

It had been two weeks, and three murders since you had last had any contact with ghostface. Which was also when he fucked you raw and came inside you in your bedroom. 

You felt stupid for even thinking it, but you thought that he’d at least try and stick around or visit you. You weren’t after a relationship, but you were getting tired of the shower head and you were too embarrassed to keep a vibrator in your room. You walked down the hallway, carrying your books from class to class. You felt like you had been on autopilot for days, waiting around for something to happen. 

You felt bad for the families that had lost their members of family to him. And the police had still come up with nothing. You even began to think about who ghostface could possibly be? His body didn’t match a lot of the guys at your school. But then again some of the guys didn’t wear the most framing clothes either. You knew he was pale, and toned. Definitely taller than you. 

You began scanning the hall of your school, eyeing the guys that walked past and whether or not they fit your description. Or at least what you had seen of him. Your phone began vibrating in your hand, alerting you someone was once again messaging you. 

➤ looking for me? 

Your heart began racing, he was watching you. Your eyes left your device, looking around to see if anyone around you was paying a little too much attention. But you didn’t see anyone. The bell rung for class and you headed off to your last periods of the day. You were going to have to do some digging to find out who he was, not that you really cared who he was. But it would make contacting him a bit easier. 

Finally school being over for the day, you could collapse on your bed. Slumping down on the mattress and you felt your skirt fly up, your ass exposed to the empty room. You felt your phone vibrate again. 

➤ arch your back and spread your legs 

The message was mysterious and you had wondered how once again he was watching you. 

➤ do it. 

Without another thought you did as he said, pushing your ass to the ceiling and face into the mattress like you had been asked. Your back arching in a graceful way that it could’ve been considered art. 

➤ that’s a good girl. 

You wondered where he was, out your window? In your closet? You began to situate yourself back into a comfortable position. Eyes scanning around your room for once again, something out of the ordinary. Your eyes fell on your computer, green light appearing next to your camera and it hit you. He had been watching you that way. You moved closer the laptop, brows furrowing as you got up close to the camera. 

You knew he could see you, but could he hear you? Like he read your mind, your phone began ringing. 

Private Number 

“Hello?” You answered, hiding the slight worry in your voice as you thought of how long he must have been watching you through your camera. Not that it mattered but, he had access to it before he even started targeting you possibly. 

“Hi princess, wish you could see me. Cause I can see you.” His words were followed with a deep throating laugh, why did he have to make you so hot? 

“How are you doing that?” You asked in a harsh tone of voice, biting on your lip that he might react poorly to your aggression. 

“I can do whatever I want. You think this is the only camera I’ve been watching you through? I’ve got your house hooked. I know when you’re alone. When you’re awake. When you’re asleep. Although, while you’re sleeping it’s much better climbing through your window and fucking my fist to the sight of your cute pyjamas right in front of you. You don’t even stir, tits all perky for me, legs spread and ready to take me in. Maybe one night I ought to just fuck you then, wake you up nice and good with my cock. Hm? Bet you’d fucking worship me and beg me to stop but you wouldn’t mean in.” 

His words were working you up and you felt bothered that it did this time. He had been in your room when you weren’t conscious, seeing you in a vulnerable state and position. It felt unfair. 

“Well what if I keep you out? I’ll lock all my doors and nail my window shut if I have too.” You spat back, hoping he would take your warning seriously. 

“Oh princess, even if you could…would you really want me too?” 

[sierrale8ne]

40 DAYS AND 40 NIGHTS CHAPTER SIX

thought i’d be lying if i said ‘i didn’t want you to myself.’ when you look me in my eyes and, tell me that it’s mine, i…

pairing wnba!paige bueckers x singer!oc

taglist @thaatdigitaldiary @ohbueckers @xxloveralways14 @patscorner @wbbgetsmewetter @rosemariiaa @tndaqlifwy @makethemhoesmad @authentic-girl03

warnings infidelity, some sexual content

kalena speakss 🪽! this is easily my favorite chapter so far (for reasons that will become obvious towards the end) don’t expect another back to back update bc it’s not happening 😭 maybe thursday or friday at the earliest, i still have priorities!

June 2025 — Crypto.com Arena, Los Angeles, California 

“Paige, your shot wasn’t falling tonight like we are used to seeing from you. What was different tonight for you than either nights?”

It’s this that I’m not quite yet used to. The post lost pressers. It was different in college, where the team had way more wins for every one loss, but right now we’re at .500 and each time a loss follows a win and they ask me the same variation of the same question I get irritated.

But I’m media trained, which means I just answer the question no matter how dumb I feel it is. The real answer is that I played like shit tonight, forcing shots and getting into my head. Instead, I’m forced to say:

“We’re playing a team that has the reigning defensive player of the year and was just in the finals. It was gonna be a dog fight, for us to get settled against a defense like that, and they simply out performed us.” I look down at the stat sheet in front of me, I had 5 turnovers to my 4 assists, and I fucking hate turning the ball over. 

“Kayla McBride is a dog, she guarded me well tonight, forced me into some bad shots and got a few turnovers from me. But I gotta take all that and learn from it, it’s still too early in the season to stress out over things that are fixable.”

I'm the only one sitting at the podium tonight, Rickea and Dearica doing theirs together and Zia who had just gone before me. I knew what the gist of the questions would be, turnovers, defense, and the most gruesome: injuries.

“We saw you roll your ankle pretty bad tonight. Even though you finished the game, can you tell us a bit about the seriousness of it?” It’s a different reporter now, one that I recognize from our win the other night.

I shake my head. My ankle was fine up until he just mentioned it. Now, it stung bad. I had some extra tape around it, it was only sore, while I was sitting but walking and running full speed on the court made that shit hurt like no other. 

“It’s not serious.” I reply honestly. “We got two days off before the next game at home so I’m not worried. I’m gonna treat it like any other tweak and just follow what the trainers got for me, and hopefully we have a better night against Minnesota on Friday.”

It seems like that is a sufficient answer for the rest of the reporters in the room when I hear that wonderful “no more questions.” I stand up gingerly from my seat. They don’t miss my slight limp, but after a few steps the pain shakes off and it just feels uncomfortable. 

When I get back to the locker room it’s damn near empty except for Cameron and Rae. I give them both curt nods before heading over to my locker.

They don’t speak to me, which I’m silently grateful for because I might snap at them unintentionally. Losing is one thing, playing like dog shit is another, but my ankle really put the nail in the coffin.

I attempt to clean up my locker a bit, making life a little bit easier for the ladies who’re gonna come in and clean up when we leave. I throw my jersey and shorts in the growing pile of towels and warm ups and all other gear before reaching for my phone in the bag. 

just saw the injury on tv, pray it’s not too bad ❤️‍🩹

That’s the second most recent text in my phone, from about an hour ago from Maraye. It just briefly brings a smile to my face that I can’t even fight. It’s crazy to me that even when I’m at my grumpiest she finds a way to make me forget about it all.

I scroll through the rest of my notifications before tapping on her contact. I see that she texted me multiple times tonight throughout different parts of the game.

don’t fuck up my parlay tonight. jk good luck fav! 7:09pm

OKAY BLOCKKK GET UP THEN 7:20pm

omg the cross over??? don’t do her like that p 😮‍💨  8:03pm

I laugh fights through my lips, she told me in Atlanta she would start live texting me during games, I didn’t think she was serious. Nevertheless, I find it adorable. Maraye, throughout the busyness that is her schedule, turned on my game and watched the whole thing, keeping me posted on all her thoughts throughout the night.

I’m so beyond saving.

My thumb scrolls back down to the bottom of the thread. I can’t deny the way my heartbeat quickens in my chest at the choice of heart emoji. It’s not quite a red heart, but it’s enough to let me know she cares. I can’t believe that I’m sitting here like I’m in high school again, psycho analyzing her texts and gushing over them until my face is red.

“You headin’ out?” I look up and Cam is getting ready to leave. She’s going to be fully cleared to play this week, probably not playing with us until right before All-star. I’m excited for her, and I can tell that she is too because it’s practically beaming off of her.

I nod. “Yeah, inna minute. I’ll catch you in the morning.” Cameron takes that answer and walks out alongside Rae. I grab my back shortly after them, getting up and leaving the locker room. The arena is quiet, so is the parking garage as I make my way out there. The chirp of my car alerts me to it. I drop my bag in the trunk before sitting down in my seat.

The cushion practically eats me alive, I haven’t been this physically exhausted in months. 

Then I’m reminded that Maraye and I’d thread is still open on my phone. When I glance at the time I realize it’s not that late, I know that if I go home, I’ll just fall into the rabbit hole of watching film all night.

Instead I reach for the phone heavy in my sweatpants pocket. My thumbs begin typing away before sending Maraye a text back.

Nah it’s not all that bad 

You busy? Or can I slide?

I make sure my phone is connected to the speakers. When He’s Not There by Kehlani plays through the car while I get settled. Following that, I place my phone on its spot on the center console. It isn’t until Maraye’s name flashes on my carplay screen that I finally pull out of the parking garage.

yes please, come see meee

—

Paige sits comfortably to my left on my couch. Her leg propped on my coffee table with a bag of ice resting on her swollen ankle. 

It’s her first time at my apartment, but even then she navigates the place like she’s been here countless of times. It feels so similar to our friendship, just comfortable. 

Her arm is draped over my shoulder as I nestle into her side. When she first came over, I sat on the other side of the couch, so far away from her you would think we were fighting. And then she started talking, pulling me closer with her words until I sat right next to her. My body is leaning into her warmth.

An NBA finals game plays on the TV. Knicks versus the Thunder, it’s in the last few minutes of overtime, a high intensity game that Paige swore she couldn’t miss a second of.

“He’s so fine.” I chirp jokingly, Shai Gilgeous Alexander is on the screen, about to shoot game tying free throws.

Paige pulls her arm off of me, looking down at me incredulously before reaching for my remote. She lowers the volume on the TV, reducing Mike Breen’s commentating to a whisper.

“Who, Shai?”

“Yeah. You don’t think so?” I ask, looking up at her with a grin.

“I’m like a raging homosexual, but if you like it I love it?”

I laugh at that, pushing her hair away from my view. It cascades down her shoulders in soft bright strands that tickle my face. 

“You can never just laugh at my jokes.”

“Your jokes aren’t funny.” Paige says. The face she makes reacts to her own statement like it’s obvious, when we both know I could make her laugh until she cried if I wanted to. “And Shai isn’t your type.”

I move from my spot next to her, jumping up and turning my attention to her face, while hers are stuck to the game. The way she is seated briefly makes me forget my train of thought. Her legs are spread comfortably and she leans back on the couch with her arms against the back of the couch. She looks like a fuckboy, and in any other scenario I would make fun of her for it, but the TV glow shines on her face just right and her cologne in my nose nearly makes me go blind.

I cross my arms over my chest. “What’s my type then, Paige?”

A commercial cuts on and Paige finally draws her eyes away from the screen. “What, Julian’s lightskin ass wasn’t the giveaway?” She laughs at her own joke, it’s stupid, but I love that laugh. So uniquely her. “Or y’want me to say you like six foot blonde girls.”

I roll my eyes, and when my vision clears up again, Paige is grinning at me.

“C’mon it was funny!”

“I don’t like women, idiot.”

“You like me.”

“I do not. I don’t even know why I let you hang out around me.” My body turns and my back hits the couch with a soft thud. Just to annoy her I sit further away from her body.

“Yeah okay, ma. You keep tellin’ yourself that.” Paige’s voice is low, a deep and raspy tone that I have never heard from her before. With Julian that had always been a given— he’s a man with a deep voice, that’s obvious. But when I hear it from Paige, I don’t know. It’s different.

My body just barely reacts to the pet name, but it’s there. The glob of saliva that pushes down my dry throat. And my legs just slightly press together. Paige reaches for the pocket of my striped shorts, tugging me back to my original spot in the curve of her body. 

“You’ve really never done anything with a girl before?”

“Paige—”

“No, not to be annoying. I’m just wondering.” She shrugs. Her hand reaches over to flick the bag of ice off her ankle and brings her leg down to my carpet. She looks down at me slowly, a lick of her lips and scan of my face lets me know she’s listening, waiting for my response.

I return her gaze. “Yes, I’ve really never done anything with a girl before.”

“Why? We’re much better. Better than whatever Julian is doing for you, I can tell you that much.” Paige’s voice is smug, teasing almost. I don’t know if she’s trying to rile me up between my legs or in my heart so I defend Julian. Either way it’s working, my heartbeat quickening in my chest.

“You seem sure about that.”

She nods. “I am. I think you forget how often you complain to me about that guy.” She says with a laugh.

The game in front of us is dying down, a three point lead for the Knicks with 40 seconds left in overtime, Oklahoma just now calling a timeout. I know she’s into the game, way more than me, but still she looks at me with an intensity that makes it feel like we’re the only two things in the world.

“Doesn’t mean a girl could do it better.”

Her eyes darted from my eyes to my lips, I’m expecting them to move. To look back at my eyes or even at the TV but she doesn’t. Just me.

“Y’believe that?” Paige asks me.

“Uh huh.” 

I’m going to lose. Whatever is going on with Paige and I, what has been going on for the last few weeks. The banter, the tension, the constant touching, it’s all a fight. Her and I are going back and forth like a fucking tennis match and she’s about to win. She’s about to make me lose whatever is left of my composure and grab the collar of her Hopkins High School t-shirt and kiss her until there’s no more breath in my lungs.

“Yeah? Ion know, can’t knock it till you try it.” She says, leaning into me for all of 5 milliseconds before sitting back in her seat and looking at the screen. The volume raises on my TV the cheers and commentary bouncing off the walls of my home.

Paige has left me frozen. Stuck there, in the exact position that she left me in. My eyes staring into the side of her perfect skin, burning holes there if I had the capability. I need her. My thighs are damn near glued together to keep me from dripping down my couch. 

I adjust my position some, sitting uncomfortably on my heels but with the way Paige is manspreading, it gives me just enough to be an inch taller than her. She looks at me, eyes trailing from my thighs past my covered stomach and chest, suddenly I’m hyper aware of how close my tits are from falling out of my Skims top.

“There some’ you wanna tell me, angel?” She asks. I hate the way that nickname makes me feel. She’s the only one that calls me that, the only one who makes me feel so small with just a single word. “Or you jus’ gonna keep lookin’ at me?”

The words just barely die in the air before I’m leaning into her, pressing my lips to hers. 

It starts off soft, so soft. Her body hesitates, like she knows better than to kiss me back but she does so anyway, tilting her head further and deepening the kiss. Paige hums against me, her arms still pressed against the back of the couch as if she has to avoid touching me. As if the second her hands touch my body then it’s game over. 

She bites my bottom lip, making me moan against her. I further into the kiss, cupping her cheek and then it really is game over. Paige reaches for my hips, lifting my body onto her lap and settling my thighs on the outside of hers.

Her tongue is entering my mouth, warm and tasting like candy. They’re clashing, messy and sticky and so damn hot. Now that I’ve gotten a taste of her I’m not sure I want to give it up. 

Paige roams my body with fervor. Trailing just a bit further to grab at my ass, kneading it in her large and veiny hands. I pull back from her breathlessly. Her hair is messy, lips so swollen and pink. It leaves me soaked as a response.

“This is doin’ so much damage. Y’know that?” She asks. Her hand travel back up my body to the back of my neck. I know it’s wrong, but still I let her pull me back into her. 

“Mmm, Ion wanna— stop.” I speak against her lips, letting her kiss me as she pleases. Grope me as she pleases. Talk to me as nasty as she wants to. I miss it, the feeling of being so vulgar with another person. Paige is on a different level and I want so much more. More of her, more than anyone has ever given me but for whatever reason I know that she can.

My phone starts ringing. I try to pull back to answer it but she pulls me right back, navigating my mouth with her tongue.

“Don’t.” She mumbles.

“I gotta.” I tell her pulling back with such force that I’m almost falling off the couch. I need to. Because if I don’t stop, I’m gonna let her see me in my most vulnerable state and even I know how wrong that would be. 

I wipe my mouth with the back of my hand, swiping to answer the call before I can even see who it is.

“Hello?” My voice is wheezy, and I’m huffing and puffing into the speaker.

“Hey, baby. You home?” 

It’s Julian. Of course it is. Of course God would let this man call me in the middle of making out with Paige just to make me feel guilty. Like the asshole I so obviously am right now.

“N— yeah. Yeah, but I’m busy. Sorry.” I stutter. “Paige is over right now.” I tell him honestly. But still, my breath hitches at my mention of her name. She rubs my thighs while I speak, looking at me like I’m a piece of meat. 

Her hand travels to her mouth, holding up one finger to her lips with a snide glare. I reach to slap her hand away, barely listening to what Julian says to me on the other line. 

Blah blah blah I miss you blah blah blah needa start hanging out with me blah blah less Paige. It’s gibberish. And I don't care.

“Yeah, okay. Goodnight Ju.” I tell him, bothered by his continued talking and wanting to occupy myself with something else. Namely, the pink lips in front of me that look so fucking pretty and the gorgeous face just inches away from mine.

I toss my phone on the couch after Julian responds and hangs up.

“You fuckin’ like me.”

“And don’t.” Just when I’m about to hop off of her lap, the TV blares loudly.

“Bang! Bang! Shai Gilgeous-Alexander takes us into double overtime!” Mike Breen’s cheers echo into my ears. Paige looks past me, obviously upset that she missed the shot.

“Damn. He’s good and fine?”

“Dont get fucked up, Raye.”

[kaiserposting]

Michael Kaiser, Alexis Ness — Dick Measuring

PAIRING: Michael Kaiser/Reader/Alexis Ness WORD COUNT: 0.8k TYPE: Humor, Drabble WARNING(S): This is literall y just one giant dick joke help NOTE: If you wanna see the rest of the horrible not-polycule series it's at the bottom of the masterlist

While scrolling through your phone at a ferocious speed with a manic grin, you turn to Ness and announce, “Look, over 500 thousand tweets mentioning my name. The viewers are all up on my cock now.”

He glances at you in disdain, which is hard to pull off with his cutesy face. Somehow he manages it though each time you two converse. In a judgemental tone, he asks, “Are you seriously name searching yourself?” Sure, he knows Kaiser does it too, but you’re not Kaiser so that shit doesn’t fly.

“Yeah. Check it out, someone made a compilation of me owning Kaiser. With filters.” You flash the screen at them both to show it off.

Kaiser spares it a dismissive glance, mind lost somewhere else.

“Give me that,” says Ness. Then he grabs the device out of your grasp and squints at the screen, memorizing the username.

“Don’t tell me you’ll mass report their account for that?”

“I won’t,” he lies, smiling at you before giving you back your phone as if he didn’t snatch it away in the first place.

“You’re doing full splits on it. Like, you could be, like, a gymnast.”

“W-Well, so what?! There’s nothing wrong with that.”

“So they’re all up on your cock huh?” Kaiser asks. The smug expression he’s making right now, you get the inkling he’s about to say something terrible. And he delivers as per your expectation: “I bet mine’s bigger.”

You raise a skeptical eyebrow at that, this judgmental expression on your face.

Ness nods, still seeming pleasant. “It probably is.”

“Bragging on another man’s dick size is crazy.”

“It’s not crazy! I’m speaking realistically.”

“Well,” says Kaiser, annoyed at having to wrestle with Ness for your attention all the time when Ness is supposed to be helping him score you, “there’s only one way to find out. We should both get naked and check.”

Your stare switches from unimpressed to blank. Vacant of any signs of life. Even Ness scrunches his eyebrows and appears slightly aghast at the suggestion, which is how you know it’s egregious for sure. Wow, this has to be his most desperate attempt at flirting to date. What’s making it worse is the fact that he’s not even reacting to your collective puzzlement with the whole thing.

Once you regain enough sense to respond, you say, “Thanks, but no thanks. You know I’m not interested in the small things in life, Kaiser.”

This also snaps Ness out of his trance as he is now offended, though he graciously spares you of any further embarrassing commentary, settling for glaring.

“Wanna compare just to make sure?”

Your lips quirk up. “Here’s my list of things I’ll never let near my nether regions: police officers, male photographers, multi level marketers, politicians, Michael Kaiser.”

“Aww, why? You’re no fun,” Kaiser coos at you mockingly.

“I bet you have the funniest penis ever.”

“No, he doesn’t!” Ness interjects while Kaiser merely tilts his head to the side, awaiting elaboration on this statement.

“Like you were probably uncircumcised when you were little and then you grew up and got a circumcision for aesthetic purposes or something else hilarious like that,” you say.

“What?” He crosses his arms and scoffs at the notion. “Ok now I’m convinced you’re just stupid. What a hauntingly dimwitted concept to come up with.” Then he smirks at you again, straightening his back and raising his eyebrows. “But, again, if you wanna make sure that there’s nothing wrong with it, the offer still stands.”

“Listen here. If you say anything along these lines to me ever again, something’s gonna happen.”

“Oh really?” Kaiser gets all up in your face. He remains amused. “And what’s going to happen?”

“I’ll send you to where Shinzo Abe is.”

He blinks at you for a second while Ness is mumbling incomprehensible threats in the background. Then he smiles at you before leaning back to a more socially appropriate distance. “Alright, I admit, I appreciate this one out of all your little retorts.”

“I think you love any words I waste on you. Attention whore. Anyway, I’ll go work out in one of the training rooms with the cameras for fanservice, so I’m leaving.” You pass by Kaiser and stop in front of Ness, puckering your lips in an exaggerated manner, blowing him a kiss. “Bye bye, Ness.”

He blushes and crosses his arms while pouting, pretending he totally didn’t enjoy that as you walk off. Kaiser gives him a scornful look.

Ness remembers the whole conversation which ensued. “I’m sure it’s big and nice,” he reassures rather clinically, the way one would share an interesting fact. It doesn't occur to him what an odd remark he’s making.

“Thanks. You always know the right things to say.” Kaiser pats Ness gently on the head like the dog slash servant he is, perhaps to encourage the behavior through positive reinforcement. He basks in the feeling, warm, and almost forgets about the context of this action. But because Ness can’t have anything good ever, after a while Kaiser adds, “I wish someone I was actually into would talk to me like you do too though.”

___

Yea I haven't slept in 5 days again how can yo utell

[rayyanishere1]

hello gang i made something

a jerk!ford fighting card! is that what theyre called? i have no idea, i was never a playing cards sort of guy

stats:

health: 100

attack: 30

sanity/intelligence: 500

charisma: -500

speed: 400

description:

Sticks and Stones May Break My Bones, But Words Break My Heart!

This Stanford's strangely personal insults stuns enemies and lowers their sanity.

It's ineffective towards Anti-Ford.

i know charisma isnt how much people like you but instead your force of presence, sadly the negative is already there and too small to erase properly (⁠^⁠_⁠^;)

translations for the stuff that's in bahasa melayu:

DAH LAH AKU PENAT = ENOUGH I'M TIRED

kurangkan gila = lower the craziness/insanity

yapping under the cut AS PER USUAL

made this while bored in class, i actually started drawing it yesterday but only finished it today

my friend and i got some free cards when buying chocolate. i dont know how to actually play with them, i decided to put it to good use and feed my jerk!ford obsession!

i used my friends as drawing references for the foreshortening. i eventually gave up on it as i still cant draw that properly. they have all started using the middle AND ring finger when flipping the bird, just like ford. of course, none of us have six fingers, but that doesnt seem to stop any of us

one of said friends also drew a very bad might i say penis in the description while it was blank. she laughed maniacally about it before erasing it. tbf, jerk!ford kinda deserves it, but my poor drawing book doesn't (⁠눈⁠‸⁠눈⁠)

im slowly spreading the knowledge of jerk!ford like it's the gospel. two people at school have heard me paraphrase the lore at this point. we'll see if that number ever goes up

ANYWAY GANG REMEMBER; REALITY IS AN ILLUSION, THE UNIVERSE IS A HOLOGRAM, BUY GOLD, BYEEEE (⁠＾⁠∇⁠＾⁠)⁠ﾉ

[riyangiis]

EXPECT THE UNEXPECTED !

your best friend has a big game, you nearly die, something you've been waiting for centuries happens in one of the most unexpected moments.. pretty crazy week, right?

pairing , non-idol!yujin x gn!reader

genre , fluff, you deserve it 😓 also crack 😋

word count , 3.6k

warnings , lowercase intended, not proofread, smau included, highschool!au, near death experience, car accident (that's def not an accident), bullying, swearing, ocs, .. reader is implied to be filo? (BANANA KETCHUP ILY), both of them are down bad, yujin plays basketball cs I don't know how to write football games ✌✌, kissing.. well on the cheek, that's all I think..

[ note: this fic is based on another fic, it is recommended to read that one first! ]

[ see more? ] ─ [ og post ]

you hear endless notifications coming from your phone inside your pocket, that's probably yujin. normally you would check it but the red light is so close to disappearing. why is it even here? there were no cars anyways.

3..

2...

1!

you start making your way to the other side of the road as you stare at the white horizontal lines you're walking on.

you start to lose focus until.. did your headphones just die on you? great.

you start to walk slowly as you remove your headphones and keep them in your bag. you hear multiple people honking at one car that is going faster than what the speed limit is supposed to be.

wait a minute.

is that car going..

towards..

you?

you turn your head to see the speeding car that those people got mad at.

"w-WHAT THE FFUUU-"

you drop your headphones that literally cost a whopping 500 plus a shipping fee out of shock and run like you're sonic the hedgehog and you're running away from sirenhead. i'm not exaggerating.

you hear your headphones get crushed by the car as you stop near a street lamp. did you just survive a car accident? but clearly your headphones didn't and took the fall for you. well shit.

you try to take a look at the driver who literally almost killed you.. he looks familiar doesn't he? you just can't seem to remember who it is. the driver owns a car that looks really expensive though..

wait. is your mind playing tricks on you or is that..

EUNKYUNG'S DAD?? THE ONE WHO MADE YOUR BEST FRIEND'S BULLY???

"shit, gotta tell him about this.." you whisper to yourself and grab your phone out of your pocket. it seems like yujin's worried about you not answering right away.. too clingy for a best friend, but you like it though.

"w.. WHAT DO YOU MEAN THEY SURVIVED?!"

the loud voice can be heard around the entire first floor. although, nobody really cares. eunkyung always throws tantrums that what seems like a loud scream, loud enough for others to think that she's getting murdered, is just nothing to the people living with her.

her father sighs and tries to reason with his bratty daughter. "listen I was speeding, even I wouldn't have survived that. that [name] is a fast thinker and just ran away like they're the usain bolt."

"ugh.. they always mess up my plans.. CURSE YOU HAN YUJIN AND [NAME]!!!" eunkyung exits the room to go in her own. her father watches as she goes up the stairs looking infuriated. what did he do to raise the definition of brat? the devil herself? he even got dragged in her shenanigans as well..

"there's no way that happened.."

kyungsoo, jiwon's girlfriend, also known as the better kyung, joined the drama session inside yujin's room. she took another piece of popcorn and tossed it inside her mouth. her other hand was playing with jiwon's hair whose head was laying on kyungsoo's lap. "ew.. lovebirds.." yujin muttered.

"yeah also have you guys heard about jiyeon cheating on hiro with-" the entire group of friends was waiting for kyungsoo to finish her sentence but was met with silence. kyungsoo tried to check the box to get more popcorn, she looked inside the box and saw nothing but crumbs.

"um.. there's no popcorn." yujin raised his eyebrow in confusion. "..can't you at least finish your sentence? we're like waiting for a new episode because the last one left us on a big cliffhanger.." kyungsoo gets off yujin's bed and gets the popcorn box with her.

"yeah.. I'm getting more popcorn, you'll have to guess who the mysterious person is!"

"what the? kyungsoo you can't just-" you get cut off as kyungsoo shut the door on you.. sigh, you look at the bed if there's any other food except for popcorn. guess you'll have to follow her and get more snacks. you get off the bed and walk to the door, "[name], where are you going?"

well.. who else would have a deep voice except for your best friend, yujin? you turn to face him and see a worried look.. "uh.. to the convenience store? to buy some snacks?" he sighs, "[name].. you just survived a car accident. and you're going out again? on your own?" he gets up and grabs your hand to drag you back to his bed.

"what the? yujin-" your sentence gets cut off, again.. when yujin yanks you a little aggresively. you held his waist for support, the both of you end up to be in a.. pretty questionable position for friends? yujin ended up being under you, your faces a little too close to each other.

you didn't move a single inch and just stayed in your position, speechless. you can feel your cheeks burning. the room was filled with nothing but silence, and the air conditioner. he looks into your eyes deeply, then your lips for a little bit.. did he just do the triangle method? lord, this boy makes you go crazy..

yujin hand reaches for your face, is he actually going to.. no way.. it's finally happening, well.. maybe you're just delusional. he just removed the stray hair that's blocking your face, but surely that means something? he looks at you and smiles softly. how could you not fall for him?

you decided to break the silence and say something. "uh.. I should um.. go.." you're still blushing after everything that happened, did he do that on purpose? does he know?

"woah.. that was pretty good for a loser like you, yujin."

"what the heck?" yujin turns to see jiwon awake. "I thought you were asleep?" jiwon chuckles at yujin's reaction when he found out that she was awake and saw the entire thing.

"gosh.. you do all that yet you can't confess to them yet. really man? and for the your question I was never asleep, I just got too comfortable in your bed.." yujin can't seem to say something against her knowing that she's right.. "I'll help you."

your day is so not going great.. first you nearly died in a car accident, and yujin.. is just yujin.. that boy.. you recently just got out of yujin's house and currently going to the nearest convenience store to get more snacks. the sun's almost down, meaning that you'll go back home after a few hours. fortunately, you don't have to go to the other side of the road to get to the convenience store.

you get closer to the store, but you start to hear footsteps behind you. it's probably nothing.. but why is it speeding up? you turn around to see who's the mysterious person behind you.. "WHAT THE FU-"

the person jumps at you for a hug. the both of you fall due to the fact that the hug was unexpected, you fall hard on your butt while the person lets go of you. "ouch... who the heck are you..?" you look up to see.. kyungsoo? what's she doing out here?

"..kyungsoo? why are you here?" she looked at you worriedly, that hug was one of the deadliest ones known to man, surviving death counter: 2.. kyungsoo lends you a hand and helps you get up, "I'm so sorry I didn't think it would end up badly.." she apologizes with a very worried look all over her face and holds both of your hands.

you groan at the pain in your butt, the sidewalk isn't the smoothest or flattest one that you've ever seen. it's very far from that actually.. "ow.. still doesn't answer my question though, why are you here?" you ask again incase she forgets.

"uh.. I noticed that we ran out of cheese powder for the popcorn and sour cream powder for the fries, so I went here to get more! also I noticed that the snacks in my house are running out so I decided to buy them too.."

"I see.. let's go now. the next thing you know the store will close.." kyungsoo holds your hand and walks with you to the convenience store.

.. great. you jinxed it. the both of you stare at the store and watch as the owner closes it. no snacks.. no flavor.. what will you do?

"I.. think I can handle popcorn with no flavor..? don't know about fries though.." kyungsoo breaks the silence, she's still staring and the broken sign with blinking letters. ".. just add salt and mix ketchup and mayo for the sauce?" you answer her, she finally turns to look at you in curiosity.

"you can do that? well, that is a.. rather interesting combination.. but I'll try!"

"WAIT!! it's recommended to use banana ketchup.. yujin already has it, I gave one bottle to him because he was curious.."

"hurry up then!!" kyungsoo starts running away from you, suddenly this turns into a race to see who gets to yujin's house the fastest.

for a pretty short time. the both of you are exhausted and sweating.. this sidewalk is also not the best place to run, what's wrong with this sidewalk? are there no good traits about it?

"wait.. [name].. I.. forgot to ask you something.." kyungsoo pauses a lot to catch her breath and also due to the fact that she's.. really exhausted... "huh? .. what is it?" you on the other half.. it's not that bad compared to kyungsoo. she's not the athletic person, she's very far from that.. you're even convinced that she's the opposite of athletic!

"[name] you.. you.. like yujin.. don't you?"

the sudden question caughts you off guard, you feel your heart beating faster. was it that obvious? or did jiwon give up on keeping her mouth shut and told her about it.. either way, avoiding the question makes it even more obvious, so you just admit it. "uh.. yeah.. was it really that obvious?"

"oh.. not really. jiwon just told me." knew it, that girl can't keep herself from telling her girlfriend everything. one of the reasons why almost no one share their secrets to her. "as expected.. she can't control herself when it comes to secrets.."

kyungsoo turns to look at you and smirks, "you and yujin huh.. I got a feeling that he likes you too.." you look away from her to hide your blushing face and your smile. "hey don't get my hopes up.." she giggles at your embarrassment. "okay okay.. but I'm not wrong though?"

"whatever...."

today's the game.. you kept your promise to yujin when you said that you'll make a whole banner to support him, and also be annoyingly loud. unfortunately, your seatmates are from the other school..

currently the game is going well for yujin's team, you decided to take that opportunity to rub it in your seatmates' faces. behind you are jiwon and kyungsoo, you can hear them giggling by you having a fight with strangers from the other school.

you felt the need to fix yourself and go to the bathroom. you stood up and gave the banner to jiwon and kyungsoo, you walked to the bathroom expecting that no one would be there due to the fact that the entire hallway is empty and not a single noise is heard except the game.

you open the door of the bathroom and was met with the most awful person to ever live in this century, eunkyung. what does she want.. she smirks at your annoyed face, "it seems that you got lucky and survived.." you scoff, you get your phone out to ignore her and attempt to make her irritated.

"so you admit that you did it? try to look menacing all you want but you're just revealing your crimes." nice, now she's the one that's annoyed. ".. w-well, that would've been obvious. don't be stupid.." she stutters at her words, almost speechless about her unintended mistake. that's good.. you need to be more annoying and make her expose herself. she's definitely not the brightest person you've seen in the school.

"get your ass out of my way, I didn't go here to see your disgusting face." eunkyung gets offended and gasps dramatically, "should've made father go faster.. you know what, I should've been there with him so that you'd see this disgusting face during the last moments of your life!" she screams at you without thinking about the consequences, you smirk at the girl's stupidity.

you decided to stop having your fun before eunkyung thinks of another way of killing you. "good luck with that.. also, thank you." she stares at you with the word confused all over her face. you make your way towards the door outside. "..for what?" she asked you genuinely, but you never answer.

".. for everything you said." you whispered to yourself. you exit the bathroom and take your phone out, you smiled to yourself and paused the audio recorder.

you finally returned to your chair, you're lucky that you used that audio recorder after learning from your past attempts of trying to screw up eunkyung's evil plans. "[name]! why did you take so long? did you have gallons of pee or something.." jiwon asks you and gives you your huge banner back. "oh it's.. something happened again, I'll tell you later." you look around the place and catch eunkyung at your left staring at you. you sit on your chair and watch the game, well.. specifically yujin.

"your boyfriend is winning by the way.." kyungsoo whispers in your ear to tease you. "hey, he's not my boyfriend.." although you wish he was.. jiwon giggles and follows her girlfriend with teasing you. "yet!" you roll your eyes at them and continue to watch the game.

yujin gets called for a break and returns to his team. you finally get a close up of what he looks like right now, you can clearly see that he's very.. sweaty. to be honest he looks really handsome like that, but you've seen him like this a few times before and you were trying to keep yourself from giggling like a loser who's madly in love with their crush. okay you take that back you are a loser who's madly in love.. you're real lucky that jiwon and kyungsoo are behind you because you're blushing real bad..

he wipes his face and neck with a towel and looks at you. you notice and look away swiftly in shyness, you can feel your heartbeat speeding up and your face turning pink. you attempt to sneak a glance at him but find that yujin is still staring at you, he starts smiling and waves at you. you smile back awkwardly and give him a thumbs up with both of your hands, he chuckles and finally sits down. lord, this boy really makes you crazy.

you see a girl his age hand him a towel for him to wipe his sweat, he smiles at her the.. same way he did at you. what the heck? maybe you were getting your hopes up too much.. you unconsciously furrow your eyebrows and frown slightly as you watch their interaction. wait, why are you even jealous? it's not like it's your business or that you have the right to.. nevermind.

you stop staring at them to prevent yourself from getting even more jealous. you didn't notice yujin staring at you looking all angry, 'maybe I should do this more.. they look cute like that' he thought to himself. you also didn't notice jiwon and kyungsoo giggling at the both of you.

"you were right.. they look so cute together!" kyungsoo whispers to jiwon, "well.. we were like that before, right?"

"yeah.. I'm glad we could experience it again." kyungsoo lays her head on her girlfriend's shoulder.

yujin gets called again to go back to the court. ricky, that famous senior known for being "young and rich, tall and handsome", comes up to yujin and pats his back, yujin runs to the court and starts playing. whatever they're doing, not like you know much about basketball anyways.

some time passes as the game continues normally, with your school still in the lead and the other school catching up. you stopped screaming and cheering and also have the banner folded, you're spent.. so are your seatmates from the other school, all of you are just watching peacefully. you can hear a couple of people screaming as the game almost draws to an end..

the ball is currently at one of the guys from the other school, 'park, 8' on the back of his jersey. you have to admit, he's kinda cute.. got a few girls screaming for him.. he passes the ball to one of his teammates but one of yujin's teammates, gyuvin, ends up getting the ball. he runs and then passes the ball to yujin quickly.

the time almost runs out as yujin runs to the hoop, the screaming gets even louder.. you watch yujin closely and see how determined he is to score.. 'come on yujin... you can do it.....' you thought to yourself, you held the banner laying on your lap tightly.

yujin decides to shoot the ball at a pretty risky place, the crowd goes silent and watches if the ball gets in the hoop. the players can't do anything but watch it.

'so close...'

'you're running out of time, yujin....'

3..

2..

1..

"3 POINTS, HAN YUJIN SCORES 3 POINTS!!"

the people from your school shout and cheer loudly as the others can't do anything but sigh in defeat.. you stood up from your seat and quickly ran to yujin, both jiwon and kyungsoo watch, still in their seats, as you ran to your best friend. you saw him and jumped into his arms immediately without warning him.

"hey.. that's what I did to them!" kyungsoo told jiwon, she laughed as yujin fell from your sudden attack. "ouch.. what was that for?!" yujin says as he gets up and sits on the floor, you get off of him and help him get up. "you.. you won!! oh my gosh you actually, you actually did it!!" you hug him again, your arms around his waist and your head on top of his shoulder. he reciprocates the hug and smiles widely.

"oh my gosh I actually.. I love you so much.." he says unconsciously while hugging you tighter but you let go of him in shock, both of your hands cover your mouth that's wide open after what he said. yujin realizes and does the same thing.

"I-I'm sorry that was so sudden uh.. you.. don't have to say anything.." both of your faces turn extremely red, yujin slowly backs up from you in embarrassment and fear that you won't like him back. he turns his head away from you while you still stare at him, you run up to him and hug him again.

"I.. I love you too!! you don't know how long I've been waiting for this!!" you smile widely while yujin is still frozen due to your words. he turns his head to look at you all joyful and wraps his arms around your waist. he smiles back at you and stares at you lovingly, you let go of his torso and use both of your hands to hold his cheeks. you can feel them burning and getting hotter as you hold them softly.

you smile and laugh at each other for not knowing what to do, you ended up kissing the both of his cheeks, a lot. yujin giggles and then lays his head on your shoulder after.

"hey yujin!" a familiar voice interrupts the both of you, he turns around to see ricky. "not bad, kid.. seems like you got yourself a partner too." ricky teases his younger teammate and giggles at how yujin's face turns pink and how you still haven't let go of him. "let's celebrate later, ricky's treat!" gyuvin, beside ricky, pops up in the conversation. ricky looks at his friend confused. "hey I never said anything!"

"well too bad, it's on you now!" gyuvin says. the both of them continue bickering until ricky decides to leave the both of you together. and.. you hear another voice behind you again.

"so.. finally confessed to each other?" the both of you turn around to see jiwon and kyungsoo behind you. "you.. you were here all along? at this point you could be a spy.." yujin says to jiwon surprised about how this happened for the second time.. jiwon chuckles, "no. we just got down, kyungsoo was the one who told me about you two." kyungsoo smiles and realizes something. "hey! about what happened inside the bathroom.. I thought you were going to tell us?"

"I don't think I should tell you here.. maybe when we get out?" kyungsoo sighs about how she's going to stay curious.. you feel something on your hands, you look at it and see a new pair of headphones. the headphones that you sacrificed. you then look at yujin, the one who gave them to you.

"what? I promised that I'd give you new ones?" you smiled and kept the box of headphones inside your bag, you held yujin's hand and follow jiwon and kyungsoo as they go outside the court. "so.. what was kyungsoo talking about earlier?" yujin asks you, you get closer to him and whisper to his ear, "eunkyung admitted that she tried to kill me.. I recorded it inside my phone.."

yujin widened his eyes in shock. ".. what do I do with it though?" you ask him quietly. "let's not do something yet.. we need things to go smoothly. this is eunkyung we're talking about.." you nod in understanding.

and now.. your week comes to an end. should take the award for 'the most unexpected and maybe the luckiest week in your life'.. expect the unexpected I guess..?

[ note: THEY'RE HAPPY NOW!! :33 AND KYUNGSOO IS BACK AS WELL!!!! honestly I was rushing to write this and it was harder cs I was planning to make yujin a football player 😓😓 YOU GUYS HAPPY NOW??? 😒😒😒 ]

taglist: @zahraism , @taesansidechick / @jelllijeans , @goldoie / @n-americano

[hoonslutt]

NSFW Link!!

Lee Heeseung:

Heeseung didn’t like to be disturbed or distracted when he is gaming, you knew that did you care? Not really, you didn’t care that when you were sitting in his lap face in his neck, and your heat grinding down on him slowly. You didn’t care that he told you many times to knock it off, you didn’t even care when he smacked your ass as a warning. But as soon as he paused the game and picked you up walking to the bed and throwing you down on it flipping you over on your stomach you cared a little, you were excited and nervous to say the least. ‘You want to act like a whore and not listen to me when I told you to stop’ taking (more like ripping) off your panties ‘Now your gonna get fucked like a whore and your gonna take everything I give you’ smacking your ass once again and grabbing his controller ‘Yes hee’

Park Jongseong:

You love your bf, you do! But you just wish that he would stop treating you like you are about to break, like some delicate flower just because he is a little bigger than most. Every time you guys have sex he liked keeping a slow pace, and there’s nothing wrong with it but it’s just kinda not doing it for you. So you have been trying to find a way to bring it up to him, well one day he comes home and you could tell he is a little irritated and your thinking okay maybe if he can get mad enough then he can show some toughness. ‘Jay?’ And now here you are finally getting what you wanted he is giving you the roughness you wanted and you are for sure you are losing your mind. ‘Is this what you wanted? Wanted to take it? Wanted to be choked? My little dirty slut’ his hand going around your neck and squeezing just the right amount he started to go a little faster and you eyes were rolling into the back of your head.

Jake Sim:

You are in total bliss right now, your bf jake hitting all the right places with just his fingers. You were so glad that you bet him that he couldn’t make you cum with just his fingers. ‘I so can make you cum, hell I’d even make you squirt baby.’ Looking at you straight in the eye while hitting his lip, rolling your eyes ‘Yeah right sim in your dreams’ his smirk slowly faded ‘Are you ready to be proven wrong babygirl?’ He got up taking your hand in his and made his way to the room. Now here you are trying to keep your moans down to not give Jake the satisfaction of being right, you were doing good that was until Jake curled his fingers upwards and hit a new spot, it also didn’t help that he was changing speeds like crazy. Your moans coming out like nothing now the bet long gone forgotten in your head.

Park Sunghoon:

You knew that sunghoon could be possessive over you and he would get a little crazy when you would hang out with heeseung or Jake. He knew that they were his friends and that they would never try anything on you knowing that your his. But there was something about the way Heeseung was hugging and touching you, to anyone else it was just a normal pat in the back but to sunghoon it was something else. So maybe he wasn’t thinking right when he pulled you by the arm out of the dorm, already making your way to your apartment all you could do was stay silent because you had no idea what was wrong with him. He wasted no time in getting you into your room by the way he practically threw you over his shoulder as soon as you got out of the car. Plopping you down on the soft sheets cupping your cheeks and sinisterly smirking at you ‘Did you like having Heeseungs attention? Did you forget who you belong to?’ Trying your best as you could not to whimper right there you shook your head no ‘Well maybe I need to remind you again? Yea?’

I just want to say thank you for 500 followers I am so happy that you guys love my work so much enough to follow me! literally love every single one you guys! You guys don’t know how lucky and grateful I am for everyone who followed me!😣😣

[celorangeine]

hiai guys...🤗 this is the only thing I've only been able to think about lately. bear with me ☹️ i've also merged the characters and guns together so I can ramble more 😎

My Headcanons On What Handguns Bully Characters Would Have Pt. 2

part 1

6. Ted

I think Ted is the type to focus more on speed and durability, and the Beretta 92 is crazy good. It's a pretty big gun but it's solid in the hands, it's probably not going to slip at all. I think Ted would like Beretta guns in general. I also think that he'd be the type to stick to one gun and Beretta 92 is GOOD 👍👍👍 for that

7. Edgar

I think he'd be the type to use any gun tbh, just as long as it's good and has a nice grip, he's cool. I don't think he'd use revolvers that much (😢) so I'm thinking CZ 75. Slightly heavy, but I think Edgar's good with it. The accuracy is SOO good and it survives for so long, and that's just what Edgar needs...😎 Edgar's a CZ kind of guy I just know it

8. Zoe

Zoe would be a big fan of Taurus automatic pistols, more specifically the Taurus G2. It's pretty smooth; the magazine quickly drops once the release button is clicked, gripping on it is easy, and the recoil is rarely aggressive. I feel like Zoe would mostly focus on the comfortability of a handgun and this one is sou good. It's pretty cheap too, it's SO good for its price. There's also the Taurus G3 which is a fair improvement than the G2, but I feel like Zoe is not gonna stop continuously using the G2 until it breaks LUL

9. Otto

I think Otto would mainly use Walther guns, specifically the Walther PK380. It's cheap (& he probably manages to get it for even less) and he loves anything that can be good for concealed carry. I think he'd have a dream gun though: the Nighthawk .357 Magnum. That gun is by far the angriest gun I have ever seen. I think Otto would LOVE Korth guns and wished he had more revolvers... but that gun is $6K 😢

10. Algie

OK I laughed like crazy while thinking about this but. I think in an act of self defense he'd goes to some guys to buy a gun. But the guys scammed him and made him pay more for a Hi Point C9. He thought everyone would be afraid of him now, but then the gun nerds start making fun of him for having a Hi Point. For context Hi Point guns are HEAVILY ridiculed by the gun people because of how shitty they are; they're cheap, but incredibly heavy and are difficult to use

11. Earnest

HONESTLY I think he'd really like Manurhin revolvers... it's so classy and I feel like that's what he's trying to make himself look like. They're CRAZY expensive though (some leading up to $10K) so he'd for the cheapest one; Manurhin MR37. It is a really, really good gun though, one of the best revolvers out there (besides S&W's...) and he's gonna show it off.... I know it. or maybe he's just gonna make his own gun idk man

12. Russell

Russell is a big guy and he would love anything that's heavy and flashy. so I think he'd like the .500 s&w revolver. It is insanely powerful and probably has a really big recoil. I haven't read much about this gun and I'm sure it's pretty expensive ($1K+) but Russell can just steal it you guys. It was made 4 him. Russell also probably struggles with most guns because his hands are big and it's gotta physically hurt to use them. I think he'd go for the big/heavy ones

13. Johnny

I think Johnny would be a huge fan of any old guns from the 1900s, and therefore I think he'd like Lugers a LOT. Their guns are expensive as hell but I like to think he'd buy them from auctions. I doubt he'd actually use any of the old ones cause they're severely outdated (but still good TBH) and he'd probably get made fun of if he actually does use them, but he still buys them for his collection. For a gun that he actually uses though, I think he'd like the Smith & Wesson Bodyguard .380 (the gun in the picture). I think Johnny would go for guns that have good triggers and this is one of them. Also there's a laser inside of it it's crazy

14. Peanut

Peanut I think would love the Ruger Hunter Mark IV. Honestly I think the greasers would all really love rugers. This one specifically looks so good and I thought they'd cost like at least $2K, but when I searched it up they only cost $600-800. Peanut would love that fact. I can imagine Peanut being a gun nerd tbh... so a gun like this that needs a lot of focus is no problem for him. He'd kiss this gun goodnight

15. Lola

ANOTHER Ruger gun and I think Lola would love the Ruger Single Six. In terms of weight it's really balanced, it's INSANELY durable, and the loading & unloading is so smooth. I think it's also mostly made of steel and it fits Lola man. It's a good gun for hunting too and therefore the accuracy is really good, and I think Lola would like guns that have good accuracy. This gun is hung on the wall in her house trust me

[heavyhitterheaux]

Don't Tell Daddy

First Babies of Private Garden Fic

Gif by @harlowgifs 💕

AN: nothing beats spending quality time with the ones you love

Synopsis: The triplets want to surprise Jack with a movie night to relax since he's been on overdrive for the past few weeks and asks for your help

Pairing: Husband!Jack Harlow x Wife!Reader

First Babies of Private Garden Masterlist

Please Do Not Repost My Content Anywhere

Jack was currently driving in his Jeep with Urban, Clay, Sunni, and Cope when he looked to his left and saw you speeding down the street music blasting with a car full of kids and Target bags piled high and did a double take. 

"Is that? Is that baby girl who just flew past us?" Sunni asked while also looking in the same direction that Jack was.

"And this is why I hardly ever drive with her. I know yall saw that shit." Urban said while shaking his head and laughing. 

"And I actually taught her how to drive, believe it or not." Jack said as the light turned green.

"I… I wouldn't tell people that." Cope quietly said as everyone continued to laugh.

"She got her license on the first try." Jack responded while shrugging.

"HOW? LITERALLY HOW?"

"Only people that ride with her are Neelam, Curse, Blanca, and Jessica. No one else is brave enough. My kids don't have a choice."

They were on their way to play soccer at Mockingbird Valley while the triplets came to you this morning and said that they wanted to have movie night with you and Jack.

Axel wanted to surprise him with an entire set up in the backyard and you decided that Target would be the best place to get everything. So you let him plan everything and told Urban to get him out of the house while you got everything together. 

Everyone's schedule had been crazy lately and this was the first time that all five of you would be able to spend quality time together and hopefully not be interrupted.

"Now babies, what's the most important thing when we get home?" You asked them while speeding through Louisville.

"Hide the Target bags from daddy!" All three of them said in unison.

"You got it!"

You cringed when you thought about how much money you had spent because you already knew when it came to your kids and husband that you were going to go above and beyond. Ivy was in charge of the list and making sure you got everything, but she kept warning you when you kept putting things in the cart.

"And make sure you finish your cake pops! We need to hurry up and set up so we can surprise daddy. Now what movie are we watching?"

"WHITE MEN CAN'T JUMP!" All three of them collectively said.

“Now are we sure?”

“Yes! Isn’t that daddy’s first movie?” Axel curiously asked and you simply nodded.

“I can show you a clip of it once we get home just in case you three decide to change your minds.”

—

You heard the door opening signaling your husband was home as you were trying to tell Autumn to hurry up and close the pantry door which had some of the Target bags in it.

“Autumn, baby, that’s daddy! Hurry up and close it!”

“I’m trying mommy! It’s not my fault you went over your limit by 500 dollars!” She said as she was trying to stuff some of the bags in it.

“Don’t tell daddy that either!”

She let out a huff and she moved to the side while putting her hands on her hips and simply looked at you.

“You are 5 going on 35, my goodness.” 

You somewhat got the pantry door closed as Jack came into the kitchen and Autumn immediately ran to him and he picked her up.

“Daddy!”

“Hi, sweetheart. What did you do all day with mommy?”

Autumn’s eyes went wide and she glanced back at you before looking back at Jack.

“Um, we went to the park and saw your parents.” You said while leaning against the pantry door to keep it closed. Which wasn’t totally a lie, since you did do that first while Jack was sleeping earlier. 

“Oh really?” Jack asked as he came over to lean down and kiss you.

“Mm hmm.”

“So, that wasn’t you who sped past me about an hour ago with a car full of kids blasting music and target bags piled high in the front seat?”

“Nope wasn’t us.”

Just then Axel walks in eating the last of his cake pop and you simply sighed. He went over to Jack and tugged on his shorts wanting attention.

“And you obviously went to Starbucks too.”

“You can’t go out the house without going to Starbucks. I need my matcha, you know this, baby.”

“Daddy we have a surprise for you later and it was my idea.” Axel said while looking up at him.

“It was our idea too!” Autumn piped up.

“But mommy let ME plan it.” Axel shot back and Autumn rolled her eyes.

“Anyway, daddy, you smell like hard work. Put me down please. You can pick me back up after you take a shower.”

“Yes, princess Autumn, as you wish.” Jack said as he let her down and all you did was laugh at your daughter.

Autumn and Axel quickly left the kitchen and you once again kissed Jack.

“Your daughter is right, take a shower and then I can give you all the kisses you want.”

“Only if you join me.”

“So your kids can tear up my house? Not a chance, but I can give you something later.” You said and all Jack did was smirk.

“Oh, working on baby number 4, 5, and 6?” Jack asked as he began to kiss your neck and you immediately pushed him off you.

“I have an IUD now, sir. Try again. Now go so we can finish setting up your surprise.”

“You didn’t need it to begin with.”

“With your fucking super sperm? Yes the hell I did. You got me pregnant with THREE children at ONE time in case you don’t remember.”

“And watch me do three more.”

“Bye, Jackman.” You said and rolled your eyes.

“Just wait until I tear that ass up later.” Just then the pantry door flew open and multiple Target bags fell out. All you and Jack did was look at each other for two minutes before he said anything. 

“BABY!”

“Yes?”

 “EXPLAIN THIS!”

“Umm….”

“I KNEW IT! THAT WAS YOU DRIVING PAST ME!”

“I think that’s Ivy calling me now go take your shower.”

“Ivy isn’t calling you!”

“BABIES! BACKYARD NOW!”

“Coming mommy!”

—

Once everything was set up in the backyard, you sent a text to Jack to tell him to come downstairs.

He finally came outside and you could tell he was surprised by the look on his face.

“Surprise daddy! We know you’ve been working really hard and we wanted to have a movie night with you.” Axel said while coming over to him while already eating popcorn.

“Ax! We weren’t supposed to eat the snacks yet!” Ivy exclaimed while looking at her little brother.

“Mommy made them for us to eat, didn’t she?! I was hungry!”

“Okay, you two, quit it.” Jack said while trying not to laugh.

“We just missed you, so the babies came to me this morning and said they wanted to do this for you.” You said while wrapping your arms around him and he leaned down to kiss you.

“I missed you four too. I just…” You could tell he was about to cry and simply rubbed his back.

“We love you so so much and they see how much you do for them despite them only being five, they see how much daddy works to provide for them.” You said while reaching up to kiss his nose.

“Can’t even put into words how much all of you mean to me.”

“Trust, we know.”

“COME ON MOMMY AND DADDY WE WANT TO WATCH THE MOVIE!” Ivy exclaimed from her spot in between Axel and Autumn who had already grabbed their popcorn, hot dog, and juice box.

“We’re coming, now what are we watching?” Jack asked before sitting down on the blanket and pulling you next to him.

“White Men Can’t Jump!” Autumn excitedly said and all Jack did was laugh.

“They decided it, not me!” You said while holding your hands up in defense and pulling it up on your phone for it to project on the bigger screen. 

“Daddy we watched a few of the trailers earlier and your outfits looked crazy.”

“It’s all for the character I was playing Ivy.”

“Wait a minute, why is it called White Men Can’t Jump? Daddy is a white boy and he can jump just fine.” Autumn curiously asked and the two of you immediately laughed.

“It’ll make more sense once we watch it.”

“Does it also have to do with why mommy always screams ‘go white boy’ when you’re performing?”

“She screams something else too while we’re in the bedroom.” Jack whispered and you immediately hit his shoulder since you heard him.

“What?!” He asked while looking at you and you just shook your head.

“Babies number 4, 5, and 6 later. We’re doing this.” Jack whispered in your ear as the movie started to play.

“Seriously?!”

“You want to risk the chance of having to buy more Birkins for your daughters?”

“Oh…. didn’t think about that.”

“Thought so.”

“You’ll fold sooner or later, just watch.”

Liked by y/ninsta, claybornharlow, urbanwyatt, neelamthadhani, druski2funny, jessicakelce, blancahood, 2forwoyne, and 2,892,063 others

jackharlow: Wifey and babies surprised me with a movie night. They just didn't tell me it was White Men Can't Jump lol 😂

y/ninsta: jackharlow your babies picked it, not me! lol

blancahood: oohh this set up is cute!!!

y/ninsta: blancahood Target girl!

jackharlow: and y/ninsta tried to hide the bags from me knowing I saw her speeding earlier through Louisville with them piled high in her car

y/ninsta: jackharlow I'm innocent

druski2funny: and no one thought to invite the life partner?

neelamthadhani: jackharlow I know you aren't talking. you and y/ninsta went on Target runs every chance you two got

claybornharlow: did the babies see my cameo?

jackharlow: druski2funny I thought we were on a break

y/ninsta: claybornharlow yes lmao and you wanna know what Autumn screamed? LOOK IT'S LITTLE BABY! jackharlow had a FIT!

jackharlow: y/ninsta you and the babies have me fighting for my life especially the youngest

y/ninsta: jackharlow well she looks like you

jackharlow: y/ninsta and has her mother's tendencies

y/ninsta: jackharlow take it back or buy me a Birkin

jackharlow: y/ninsta WHAT?!

Liked by jackharlow, urbanwyatt, claybornharlow, neelamthadhani, quiiso, shloob_, yungskylark and 2,291,063 others

y/ninsta: showed the babies this clip and Ivy will not let this man live and keeps making fun of his outfits while Autumn has not stopped calling him "white boy" and "pilgrim" and Axel was like "what's boo boo juice? daddy that looks nasty" and I am HOLLERINGGGGG 😭😭😭😭

saweetie: girl I am SCREAMINGGGGG

urbanwyatt: see? it be your own kids lmaoooooo

jackharlow: I told yall my kids don't want me to be great

jessicakelce: NOT THE PILGRIM!

yungskylark: I AM DONE LMAO

jackharlow: oh and Axel when he saw my scenes with Laura? *sigh*

y/ninsta: jackharlow "DADDY WHO IS THAT? SHE DON'T LOOK LIKE MOMMY!" Axel was ready to kick your ass lmao

urbanwyatt: Lil Urb understood the assignment lmao

neelamthadhani: we all know Axel will go hard for his mom lol jackharlow you better be on your best behavior

jackharlow: neelamthadhani he has absolutely nothing to worry about

druski2funny: well my white boy hasn't learned how to text me back

y/ninsta: druski2funny he's busy

druski2funny: y/ninsta doing WHAT?

jackharlow: druski2funny about to make babies 4, 5, and 6

normani: jackharlow just twins this time! I know my prediction will be right! only four and five!

urbanwyatt: the next two will have my other names

y/ninsta: I'm kicking all yall asses

Taglist:

@harlowsbby

@babyharleezy

@hoodharlow

@stefansalvatoresgf

@jackiehollanderr

@primadxna-girl

@dessmxsworld

@cockslutslurper3000

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@thinkingaboutjharlow

@fluidsentiment

@charli123456789

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@yana4life

@beanbagbitch

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@carma-fanficaddict

@minaxcarter

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@automaticpeachsong

@harlowcomehome

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@babygirlwilly

@amethyst09

@harrycanyonmoonn

@toocriticalharlow

@tattered-tales

@sisiking99

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@jacksdaycare

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@babyvinnie

@evansxchalamet

@chtkmyharlow​

@itsyagirljaz

@neon-lights-and-glitter

@awhore4moree

@a-moment-captured

@jackmans-poison

[byrdstrolls]

Record Skip

Your name is Raerae Daling, and sometimes a thought gets stuck in your head like a skip on a record, like accidentally clicking speed backward on a grubtube video, like losing your spot in a paragraph and reading the first sentence over, always in threes. Today's thought is thus-

I’m Hesdie’s crazy ex-girlfriend,

I’m Hesdie’s crazy ex-girlfriend,

I’m Hesdie’s crazy ex-girlfriend,

-That was what you would say to the bouncer. It had to be playful enough for intrigue. The bouncer would probably be Nafisa. You know most of the bouncers in the entire west side, and the comfort of firm arms shoving you out into the gutter. But Nafisa was his go-to for these kinds of parties. She’s got a sense of humor, she’s got a want for chaos- You had to play their game for a moment. I’m Hesdie’s crazy ex-grlfriend, you would say. 

No shit, she would answer. Give me one good reason to let you in.

I brought booze, you would say, holding up your shopping bags- your six packs are across the bathroom, you had put them down after purchasing this morning like they burned your hand. But you’d say-

I brought booze, 

-And Nafisa, or whatever bouncer, whoever was guarding the party would say

Shittt, can’t argue with that.

And let you in. Deep down, they all wanted to see you kick that bastard in the nose. You wouldn’t give them the satisfaction, but you’d prey on their thirst, their desperation for your comment, your reaction, the showdown that was always meant to be. I’m Hesdie’s crazy ex-girlfriend. 

You didn’t plan on talking to your ex. There wasn’t a thing to say. You finish the slow circle of eyeliner around your eyes. You’ve never had a steady hand, but it's supposed to be messy, and you take a hand and smear it slightly across your knuckles. You stare into the bathroom mirror, your slit pupil eyes wide. Feeling like one of those dogs freezing at the sight of its reflection. You look so much like drunk Raerae your fight or flight kicks in, but it's just a costume, it's just a costume, she's just a costume. 

Don’t go to your ex’s party, your sponsor had told you, Quincy had looked tired, but he always looked tired, so it wasn’t your fault, and you couldn’t be held accountable for how you answered. Your sponsor said don’t go to that party, and then your client had said 100$ an hour, 500$ bonus if you catch him in the act. And you told them both I’m not drinking and you meant it with your whole heart, and mind, and empty bank account. 

When you make it to the outside of the mansion, the highblood estate where hive music blasts into the unforgiving darkness, the night is young. The bouncer is Nafisa, like you knew she would be. 

“Excuse me Miss” She huffs. “You got an invite?”

“You know me” You accuse. “You know me, Nafisa, I’m Hesdie’s crazy ex-girlfriend”

“Uh-huh. And why would I let you in?” She says, crossing her arms. 

“I brought boozeee” You grin, flashing your bags, she’s so on script you feel like kissing her, but then she ruins it. She squints at you, your running makeup, your permanently offset dress. 

“Girl, did you pregame?” She asks. 

You frown your way into a lopsided smirk, hoping she doesn’t notice your momentary disgust and confusion. 

“You know me,” You joke. You lie. “I started pregaming two nights ago.” 

“You know I’m like security, right?” 

“You know I like, brought booze? Out of the goodness of my heart? Out of the bottom of my wallet?” 

“If you go in there” She warns. “And do some stupid, insane shit like you pulled at the new sweeps party or fright night, everybodies gonna be like, who let Hesdie’s crazy ex-girlfriend in here?” She huffs, adjusting her hijab. 

“And then Nafisa, darling Nafisa, you say, not me! You say, I’ve never seen that bitch in my life! And your lips stay shut, and my lips stay shut, and everyone wins and everyone lives a little.” You plead. 

She stares at you, but then, with a patient glance around as if to check if anyones watching, she opens the door for you, and you walk into the party. 

The place is a minefield. But that’s why you came in with two plastic bags of seltzers in your hands, with two grenades pressed into your palm pin-first so you can keep the pin tight and close and hear its heartbeat against your skin. You’ve gotta make it to the upper floors- there's got to be an elevator. The alcohol is heavy, and no way in hell you’re going up the stairs in these heels. You wander from hall to hall, from pockets of giggling drunk girls, past trolls lounging on chairs and beanbags passing back and forth pipes, the inescapable smell. You press the elevator button once, twice, three times. 

The top floor, the penthive, that’s gotta be where the seadwellers room was, it was Hesdie’s party, but it’s not his bedroom you’re breaking into. The elevator door opens to a crowded living room, but you don’t skip a beat. 

“Booze runnnn!” You slur, dumping the two bags onto the floor, to which they perk up like vultures. 

“Yoooo!” One says, a cerulean you don’t recognize. He squints at you. 

“Aren’t you that girl who jumped off the building into that hot tub once??? DUDE I remember you” 

“That’s me” You grin. “I’m Hesdie’s crazy ex-girlfriend.” 

“Come sit with us,” He says. 

“I gotta pee” You say, walking past him further into the hive.

“Where have you been?” He says. Like you would tell him. “Nobodies seen you for months.” 

“Living it up in some rich girls apartment down east.” You lie. 

“My man,” He says. 

“I really gotta pee” You repeat, and keep walking down the hall, till you run into a long row of bedroom doors. The first bedroom you check is empty. The second has a couple in it, but they're so trashed they’re not even speaking. The third has a pair of jade’s playing cards. 

“Girl” One says, “Wtf the fuck is up with your eyes?”

You roll them, your sideways goat pupils going to the ceiling. 

“They’re contacts, ofc. Literally grey. I’m anon” You say. 

“Why not get normal ones?” 

“I’m quirky that way.” You reply. 

“Those look real dude, they’re fucking freaky.” the other one says, and you realize you’ll have to do your whole little show, one you knew by heart but still right now feels like a waste of time no matter the adrenaline rush it’d give you. 

Your hand goes to your contact case in your pocket, slyly reaching inside. The contact case had rust lenses in it, you never left home without it and you pick one up with your ring finger, balancing it delicately on the tip. 

“Here” you say, “I’ll take one out” You promise, lifting your index, the rust contact still concealed, turning your head upwards such that your fingers are obscured to the two jadebloods. You put the rust contact in your eye in one quick motion, blinking, and lift your index finger, pretending to hold a contact that is simply not there. 

“See” You shrug. “I’m a rustie” You say. Staring at them with one red and one gray eye. And you see their shoulders fall with ease and relief. You would feel more satisfaction with tricking them if you hadn’t done this one billion times, in the backs of bars, in closets and sidewalks and way, way drunker than you are now. 

“Wait, hold on a second.” The first jade says. “Aren’t you Hesdie’s ex-mate? He’s talking mad shit about you dog. Where have you been?” 

“I went on a cruise, actually. R&R for months” You lie. 

“Did you really try to steal his grubtube channel?” he asks. 

“What? No.” You say, so unsettled by the question you shut the door in his face.

Who cares, who cares, who cares what he says about you to his millions of followers, his channel will crash and burn without you. You head back down the hallway, and open the fourth door- but it's just Maindy in there, and talking to Maindy makes you sad, because you really did like him. 

“Raerae,” He says, voice laced with concern. “Is that you?” 

And how dare he be concerned, really- how dare he- whatever Hesdie said on grubtube, he was complicit- he was the editor. Hesdie never had the skill to do it himself. You like to imagine he portrayed you kindly when he could. But you had deleted grubtube off your phone months ago- you didn’t know what they were saying. 

“No.” You answer, slamming the door.

“Rae!” He calls back, shutting his husktop, following you into the hallway. Can you really be mad at him for videos you haven't even seen?

“What are you doing here?” He says, as he stalks you down the hallway to the last bedroom. “Where have you been?” He asks. “Nobodies seen you in months,” He says. 

And it's Maindy, and he's this barkbeast grub of a man, with big wide dark eyes and curls cascading down his back, and he looks at you like a guilty pet, and you can’t lie to him. 

“Rehab.” You say. 

“Oh” he says, stopping, and you try the door of the last bedroom, but it’s locked. 

“Did that… go well?” He says, taking in your state of dress, makeup, and demeanor. 

“Really well” You say, pulling a bobby pin from your hair to pick the lock. 

“I’m sober. I’m sober. I’m sober.” You say, with a different inflection each time. But it’s true. 

“I just wanted to lure everyone into a false sense of security so I could break into this hive.” You say, and the lock clicks open. 

“Oh.” He repeats. It’s so easy for them, it’s so easy for them to believe the worst of you, and why wouldn’t they?

The worst of you has millions of views. However many livestreams on Hesdie’s channel. MINECRAFT DRINKING GAME WITH MY GIRLFRIEND (gone wrong) (gone crazy). 

“Why break in?” Maindy asks. 

“For a client of mine.” You say. “Moirail of the fushia who own’s it’s matesprit.” You say, walking in and rifling through the fushia’s drawers, for a husktop- preferably a husktop. The fushia had a name, but it wasn’t important to you. 

“Oh… I forgot you used to do that Private Investigator thing” He says. 

“I’ve got bills” You answer. “No longer the luxurious grubtuber’s girlfriend.” You find an ipad plugged into the wall- bingo. You start looking through his messages. 

“Hesdie’s um,” Maindy pauses. “Saying a lot of stuff about you.” 

“So I hear” You say, flipping through the text messages, just long enough to confirm this guy is indeed cheating on his matesprit, just as your client suspected. Most PI gigs are cheaters these days. They bored you. It was always too easy. It was always too easy. It was always too easy. 

“He said that um” He stares at you as you work. “That you, um, demanded he give you his whole channel, and accused him of hemophobia when he didn’t. (he made me leave that in)” He says softly, and you can’t even stay mad, because Maindy was paying off student loans, and Hesdie pays him well, because Hesdie knows he’s not actually funny and his channel will crash and burn without Maindy’s editing, just like it will crash and burn without your hilarity. Just give it time.

“I did none of that” You say. 

“Well what happened?” he asks. 

“None of your business” You say, texting screencaps to your client, plugging the ipad back into the wall, you walk past Maindy back into the hall, and shut the door on him. 

“Go fuck yourself” You say, and it doesn't matter to you much whether you or he earned it or not anymore, its a night for slamming doors, and suddenly you have to be out of this party, you want to not be here more than you’ve ever wanted anything in your life. Why didn’t you listen to your sponsor? You begin the long trek back to the elevator, and past the living room, and to the front door, and very few minutes someone stops you and says hey, aren’t you that hemoanon who chugged a bottle of capiers on a dare? Aren’t you that girl who did a line off a pocketknive in a livestream? Aren’t you that troll who set fire to Hesdie’s kitchen last New Sweep party? 

Aren’t you Hesdie’s crazy ex-girlfriend? 

Aren’t you Hesdie’s crazy ex-girlfriend? 

Aren’t you Hesdie’s crazy ex-girlfriend? 

And you don’t run into him the whole night, you just hear his name spoken again and again like it’s your own, but you know that by three am most nights mid-high he likes to mellow out in jacuzzi’s and hot tubs, and the pools are on the third floor, and you know he’d be there, and you avoid it like the plague. Right now, somebody, maybe one of those jades or those guys on the living room floor is walking up to him and they’re probably saying hey, your ex-girlfriend was upstairs with two six packs, she was opening bedroom room doors, 

And he’d lean back, running a hand through his hair and he'll say 

Damn, she really is obsessed with me

Nafisa watches you head out the front door at a brisk pace to where you’ve parked and she tries not to look too disappointed.

[risingsunresistance]

hi here's a neat set from the recent update that should make mining a bit more fun at the earlier stages!

mithril, titanium, and gemstone equipment sets for different stages of the game :D there's not one for the glacite area, but we already have the hand warmers and the pendant so i dont think it needs one

and the most insane mining item in this update imo

Why Did They Add This. 10 fortune wow whatever 500 SPEED?????????????

[ross-sluggo]

so in my road to a 500 floor streak (330s as im typing this) i made a weird guide in terms of tips for anyone crazy enough to do this as well (it's me, im crazy. lock me in a rubber room with rats). i'll do em in the order of my notes and i'm going off of the official floor names

Button Comp: participation in this does not affect time spent here. The floor cannot kill you, so unless you want coins, you're safe to idle.

Space Dropper: same as the last one, but this one can technically hurt you.

bugbo: same as Button Comp. I purposefully don't do shit because I want to annoy that bug. I hate him. I don't have any reason to, I just do.

Studio Obby: same as Space Dropper where it can hurt you and participation doesn't affect the the time.

UES: while hunting for JAOBA is technically something you can do and it does speed things along, assuming you're working alone this is very boring and tedious. Floor is harmless otherwise.

Toolbox Speedway: same as button comp- you'll be seeing this phrase in here a lot.

Slide 4 Admin: say it with me everyone.

Splitsville: Do this one, it's harmless but it DOES go faster if you do it.

4 Corners: use RGYB in the chat to note the order. Since Roblox censorship is very finicky, don't ENTER it, but keep it on hand. Falling, though, doesn't end your streak.

Underground Subway: just stay off the tracks, don't hit Poob as they can kill you.

gm_flatgrass: no action required here unless you want the cat that might be there.

Happy Home Party: if you have Poob in the elevator, no action required. If you don't, uh. Don't die I guess-

Superhighway: Same as Space Dropper. I recommend standing on the railings of the elevator because there's about 4 knife (legally distinct) voombas that can and WILL kill you.

Color Our World: say it with me everyone.

Eternal Limbo: Stay alive, if you have the tiny foamer you can shoot the mirror Folly jumps into. Just shoot the right side, though, as the branches that can hold the mirror cover the left side.

Frightening Floor: stay on the rails. They say you need to leave the elevator, they're LYING.

Temple of... Something: Doing this alone will not harm your streak if you just fall through the floor. Take the gem with you, it'll be funny.

3008: There's no strategy to this. Finding Lampert makes it go faster but that's all down to luck really-

Elevator x5: Keep to the sides because if it's that pale red brick, it will kill you instantly. This goes for the red wall as well along with the void but the pale red killbrick is a lot more abrupt.

Find the Path: This one has an interesting strategy. Use a sticker and hover over the tile you want to go on. If you see the red "you can't put this here" indicator, you'll fall through that one. If you don't, it's safe to walk on. Do it even if you have a full elevator.

Suspiciously Long Room: EXERCISE CAUTION AND DO NOT TOUCH TARMITE. HE IS, REGARDLESS IF IT'S FACE-ON OR FROM THE SIDE, 1000% LETHAL. If you're not sure if you can make it to the next one, DO NOT PROCEED AND WAIT FOR HIM TO MAKE HIS COURSE. Completing it makes it go faster.

Cardboard room: Almost identical to button comp, but be wary since 3D Fafa Orange can and will kill you.

Backrooms: Pay attention for the love of god, Clovers are lethal. If you can't find any of the traps to enclose one, just dodge for awhile.

Redball Diner: Did you know? If you stand on the redball phone display in front of Reddy, it "breaks" him? Abuse this. (This is as of 1/20/25)

Birthday Apt.: say it with me-

Hotel Floor: The main strategy with this one is to listen for music coming from one of the doors. If you're fast enough, though, you can cheese it and get by with minimal damage taken. Or you have a gas mask. More on the items later.

2 Stud Camp: Do this one, it'll go faster, but be careful. The UFOs get really nasty at points, especially if you have Spud! join your elevator instead of Gnarpy.

Turret: lmao (stick to the sides of the elevator.)

Either Teapot Level: Don't bother.

Flood Fill Mine: This one's required, flood will kill you. Aim for darker blocks. They changed it some time ago so you can hold left click to mine instead of having to rapid-fire click.

Elevator Shaft: This goes for any level but especially this one, if you jump while climbing anything you'll go faster. Careful on this one, though, since the falling elevators do about 40 hp per elevator.

Gumball Machine: You can do this one, it'll go faster, but you will probably get smacked around a bunch.

Hole in the Wall: Sometimes there's an explosion, otherwise nothing happens.

Dance Party: AFAICT, this doesn't ruin your streak.

Infected Apartment: Do this one. No major advice I can give that isn't obvious when playing it a few times.

Funny Maze: Doing this one does make it go faster, but is it worth it? Scary Mike is lethal. He does have a path warning you where he'll be.

Minefield: ice cream :) (doing this one doesn't affect the time but you get ice cream :D)

Random Maze: Giggler makes it faster, but be wary of the RATS-

Snackcore: If you're running low on HP you can, but completion doesn't affect the time. There's also money on the ground.

Snowy Slope: Just get lucky or smth idk

Happy Birthday?: No action required.

Jermpop Factory: No shame in hiding in a barrel or a box, doing it'll make it go faster though. Jermbomination is also lethal.

Stanley Room: Either drink the cement in the game store or do this one, but not doing either will kill you.

Mozelle's Castle: No action required unless you want to participate.

Rock Park: Just let Sam, Pam, and Dan die. Hide near the grates in the beginning area, there's enough shelving in that nook to keep you safe from the rocks. The rocks are lethal.

Intense Obby: Not required due to time shenanigans but it can be fun.

Crumbl Cube: ON GOD BE CAREFUL I FUCKING HATE SLIMYIM- Anyway, hide in the cube. Or don't. I'm not the boss of you. Stay alive. Kill Slimyim except you can't but KILL HIM ANYWAY I FUCKING-

Area 51: If I'm alone, I never do this one. No point. Like it goes faster but it sucks.

STAT's Domain: Same with Area 51, but it actually goes faster if you avoid it and it's less deadly. :)

Red Ball Temple: While it's tempting to not do this one, doing this floor will make it go faster. Just try not to slow down.

Pet Capture Deluxe: Having Melanie with you will make this faster. Plus, if you're alone, it's only 4 critters.

Drive Thru: No action required.

Jeremy: Fun fact! You can shoot the button you need to press with either the Foam Dart or the Anti-Voomba device. Shaves a bit of time off. Yeah, this is me saying do this one.

WHEEL OF: Good luck?

Fun Flood at Squishy's: You kinda need to do this one. I still think these incidents should result in Gregoriah's termination.

WALL OF: You have to do this one. It IS death otherwise.

I also want to make note of some special floors and some recommended items

Ballpit: Toothy and Toothette, be wary of them.

FNARB: HAR HAR HARHAR HAR- anyway, yeah. Just survive, it's not too difficult. Don't abuse the doors or lights.

HALL OF: Uhhh. Godspeed? Fuckin. Run for your life??

ITEMS TO GET

Almost, if not, every shop has the Gas Mask. Look into the Crystal Crown at Retrograde Security Station and/or Floppy Shoppy. It's also good to look into the Token of Asclepius at various stores. iirc HC Ice Cream has them, I think OFFICE OF has them- oh, and the tiny foamer at Shop Space. From the maingame store, get the anti-voomba device and the petal cone. You can use the petal cone for Split if you get annoyed at her banana peels, and the anti-voomba device for. Well. Yeah.

One final note, do not anger DrRetro, Gnarpy, Spud!, or Poob. They can kill you. Poob has it for you.

[marstonator]

I tried to mod johns hair flying in the wind the only way I thought how, didnt think that it would affect the world too 🤦‍♀️

Yeah Rampage Trainer is cool, the wind speeds can go up to 500(mph im guessing) where the in-game trees bases/stumps glitch to the point they dont look like trees anymore.

I thought I had gone crazy after trying this because I was on a hill so my brain thought that the wind was still too high. but it's just hilly (you can see in the image i am on a slight incline)

If anyone knows how to get that majestic 'hair-flowing-in wind-like-a-disney-princess-look' with mods, please, PLEASE, DM me! Or expect me to reach out to you and DM you about this. Because it's one thing I'm willing to learn that I can never seem to achieve in my photos :(

[cosmic-glow]

+18!! MINORS DO NOT INTERACT!

Notes: While returning from a party, you are apprehensive about the unknown car that follows you, little knowing that you knew the driver very well.

Warnings: Billy x fem!reader; dom!Billy x sub!reader; bad language; persecution; slap; NSFW.

The Halloween party at your friend's house had gone really well, her parents would probably kill her if they found out that she had thrown a party the night while they were away but you didn't really care about that right now, all you could focus on was the fact that it was cold and there were still more than 500 meters to go before you got home and your feet were already hurting. You could have called your parents and asked for a ride, but then they would have found out that you ran away in the middle of the night to go to a party.

The hot air coming out of your mouth formed white smoke in front of you. The road was silent and poorly lit, with each step you felt even more that you had made a bad choice, but the feeling got worse when you heard an approaching car start to slow down behind you. You looked over your shoulder, the car window was dark and didn't let you see who was behind the wheel, you didn't know anyone who had that model of car, much less recognized the license plate. You quickly looked at your watch, it was approaching 3 am. You cursed yourself as you quickened your pace, "stupid, stupid, stupid...".

The part of the road that passed through the long trees of the forest was left behind, now all that was around you was smooth pasture, if you tried to escape it wouldn't be too difficult for the car to follow you. Fear made you feel even colder, crossing your arms tighter against your body, managing to reach the knife hidden in your jacket... As if it would be very useful against a car, which was following at a very reduced speed behind you.

Looking surreptitiously around, your eyes fell on a house on some farm. You had no idea who the family that lived there was, but it was your best option, you would pretend it was your house and wait for the crazy person to leave, maybe knock on the door and ask the residents to call the police. The only problem was that the house was on the opposite side of the road from you, you would need to pass the car.

Waiting for the right moment, you gathered courage and hurriedly turned to cross in front of the car, taking advantage of the distance you managed to take. But the red car moved forward and stopped a few centimeters away from you, honking and shining a high beam in your eyes that forced you to close them and look the other way. When the light went down, you stared at the windshield trying to see someone, but it was useless. The driver's side window rolled down, a hand came out and gestured a long "no" with index finger before pointing forward, telling you to go straight. “Shit,” you thought, an icy shiver running through your body as something told you that whoever was on the other side of the steering wheel knew damn well where you lived.

Still in shock, you turned forward and went straight again, the farm behind you and your heart starting to rise up in your mouth. You analyzed the options you had, the blood that ran through your veins becoming cold with the fear that grew inside you. There was a small forest before arriving at your house, you remembered, you could hide among the trees, it was your last chance to lose that person.

The walk continued as before, the headlights of the car right behind you following you as you went, stretching your lonely shadow in front of you. Adrenaline began to heat up your body as approached the trees. When you were close enough to run, you went without thinking twice. The car engine roared behind you, the high beams illuminating everything in front of you, when were about to flee the car passed you like lightning, the tires sang with the curve it made to block your path, marking the asphalt, smoke rising and mixing with the night air. You froze, watching your last chance slip through your fingers.

Your heart began to beat even harder against your chest when the driver's door opened, on the other side, wild blonde hair with its back to you, when the figure approached, turning around and raising his head to look at you, you became even more confused, the man smiled at you when he saw the terror on your face.

- Were you trying to kill yourself, doll? - Billy said with a smug smile.

- What the fuck was that, Hargrove?!!

You and Billy had hooked up a few times, he was an asshole, but you couldn't deny that he had something that moved you, he could make you feel like no other boy had ever done before, and you hated him for it, that's why you two has nothing serious, but it seemed like every day that passed, the more he pursued you. The boy walked up to you, standing close enough for you to smell the strong scent of his perfume.

- You know I don't like you calling me that - he grabbed your chin to force you to look at him - But you know what I like even less? Seeing my girl in another guy's arms.

- What?

- If you continue pretending it will be worse, I saw you and Harrington at the party, you seemed to be having fun - the smile disappeared from his face.

It was true, Steve was drunk enough to shamelessly flirt with you today, he didn't leave you the whole party, not caring who was watching. But you didn't know Billy was there, you didn't even imagine that your friend had invited him, she probably didn't, Billy never needed an invitation to go somewhere.

- And what are you going to do if I say I was really having fun? - you crossed your arms.

Billy's jaw tensed, jealousy burning in his eyes, a strange smile forming on his lips, he clenched his fist at his side, controlling the urge to hold you against his body.

- Then I'll have to remind you of everything I make you feel - he leaned down to your ear - everything that only I make you feel.

In one quick movement, Billy reached down and grabbed your waist with one arm, easily throwing you over his shoulder while holding your thighs firmly with his other arm. You struggled and screamed for him to put you down, but all you got in return was a slap on your ass that burned along with the desire that was beginning to emerge between your legs, knowing where it would lead.

- Quiet - he said as he took you to the car.

You don't know how he managed to throw you in the back seat of the car without even giving you the chance to escape, when you sat down, the smell of a new car along with the smell of Billy's perfume and cigarettes invading your nose, the boy was in the doorway, hunched over and looking at you with a mischievous smile.

- Would my beautiful girl prefer me to fuck her in the car or in bed?

Your heart started pounding against your chest again, but now for another reason: anxiety. Without realizing it you bit your lip remembering how Billy could take you to heights, remembering the impetuous pace he always maintained you pressed one thigh against the other, already feeling how wet you were getting. Oh, God, you could hate Billy with all your might, but how you wished his hands were on your body.

- Where you think I will learn my lesson best - you finally replied, making his smile widen.

- That's my girl.

Sorry for any typos;

Buy me a coffee?

October Calendar;

Masterlist

[belit0]

Hello 😏 can I request primal play? “Run. If I catch you, I fuck you.” With IzuTobi? And if it’s not too much trouble either in a separate post or this same one, the same prompt but with indra

YESSSSSSSSSSSSSS, I LITERALLY LOVE THIS SO MUCH

(this is a combined post, Tobiizu and Indra x reader, separately)

Please, TobiIzu lovers, let me know what u think about this one cause I really liked it🛐👀💕

Tobirama x Izuna

"You have three days. Run, flee, hide. If I catch you, I'll fuck you wherever you are, no matter if there are people present or not." Tobirama's words bounce off every wall of his mind, exhilarating and terrifying in equal parts. Izuna eats his rice leisurely, watching the owner of the tavern he managed to find as a refuge wander back and forth. There is not much work to be done as the place is a proper shithole, but he moves as if he had to attend to 500 people at the same time.

72 hours is a huge advantage, considering the rules include the impossibility for the Senju to use his Hiraishin. If he wants to catch him, he will have to move like a normal ninja, ignoring the possibility of teleporting with his seals.

Izuna is convinced of having done a good job, putting between them at least a good few kilometers of distance and having used every hour of advantage in his favor, without wasting a second to get as far away from him as possible.

It all started as a stupid fight between the two, arguing about the past, particularly that time Izuna almost lost his life. They debated who of the two was faster before the albino developed his stupid technique, both claiming to have been superior to the other.

The decantation of this conflict ended in a terrifying bet, where Tobirama proposes to hunt down the Uchiha before seven days have passed. Giving him three days to escape felt like a joke, but he secretly appreciated it.

As the time limit he had to flee expired, he decided to set up his hideout in a lost village in the middle of nowhere, non-existent on the map, far from any popular road. He spent a good amount of hours covering any kind of trail he might have left, hiding his chakra so as not to be detected.

The Uchiha believes he has done an excellent job, relaxing and enjoying a plate of hot food from the decaying shelter he found. Everything seems to have gone perfectly, and he must stay there until the end of the bet, safe and secure.

On the fourth day, Izuna gets bored and decides to explore, finding a lake where he can take a bath in the open air and soak up sun. Life is sweet and easy without the constant nagging and fighting of his enemy, but damn he misses the bastard. He can even picture how Tobirama would fuck him against the rocks, half-body submerged in water, and his mind flies. He only returns to the shelter to masturbate with that idea in mind, not wanting to dirty the place with his business.

The fifth day is filled with uncertainty, the moment he calculated Tobirama would be nearby. He planted false evidence in the opposite direction, carefully planned footsteps and speed marks strewn along other roads, seeking to throw him off and waste his time. His strategy is flawless, and he figures he has found a way to make him swallow dust.

The Senju will lose.

The sixth day dawns with pure peace and the taste of being close to victory palpable in his mouth, imagining how he will rub in his enemy's face his uselessness for tracking and how bad his sensory skills are.

Tobirama turned out to be much ado about nothing, empty threats.

Izuna goes back to sitting at the same table he always occupies to eat, greeting the old man who runs the business of that destroyed place as if a close friend and devouring the food placed in front of him. He looks out the window as he finishes plate after plate, anxious to go back and laugh in the Senju's face.

He leans back in his chair when he feels like his belly is going to explode, and thinks he's crazy when he hears the old man talking to another customer. Since he arrived, he has never seen another person stop there, not even enter through the door, travelers having no idea of the place's existence.

Their conversation happens behind his back, and he listens intently without turning around. "Always wonderful meals from this place, one could expect nothing less from you." A deep male voice speaks calmly, complimenting the poor old man's services.

The person speaks as if a frequent visitor to the place, and that is what makes Izuna understand the seriousness of the matter. No one knows this site, no one can find it on the map because it literally does not exist, and there are no villages nearby.

"Lord Senju...you make this old man feel special, you are welcome here any time you please."

He has been found.

It takes not even a second for him to get up and run, violently opening the door and quickly moving deeper into the forest. It can't be, there's no way he's found a lost, non-existent spot and not fallen for any of his traps.

There is absolutely no way Tobirama could have read his strategy and discovered his plan so easily, without even announcing himself when finding him. How long has he been there? Was he waiting for Izuna to notice it on his own? Wasn't he intending to act?

He has no time to think as he jumps from branch to branch, suddenly agitated and with the urgent need to flee. Breathing hard only because of the surprise of the situation, he is desperate to get away from the place and make him lose trail of him.

Food rises and falls in his throat as he uses all his strength and runs, focusing on making his legs move to their maximum capacity. He swallows a few times to avoid having to stop to vomit, unable to waste time.

He has to run.

If he really sets his mind to it, he can manage to disappear, mislead him with quick strategies, and just move. Hell, he might even resort to hiding under his brother's skirt if he really wants to win, tempted by the need not to hurt his own ego.

Izuna feels how his enemy follows close behind him, too near for his liking, and hurries even faster. His legs burn from the effort and sweat runs down his forehead, but he has no time to stop. He'll have to struggle for a few hours to outrun him, figure out where to turn and which way to go-

BOOM!

The Uchiha unexpectedly falls to the ground, a sharp blow to the throat that robs all the air from his lungs and doesn't let him breathe. He writhes in the dirt and leaves, clutching his neck and feeling himself suffocating, struggling to get oxygen into his body.

What the actual fuck? Tobirama was behind him, how can this be?

As soon as he manages to open his throat again he violently coughs, almost vomiting (again) in the process, unable to focus his attention on understanding what happened. There were no obstacles in front of him, no high branches, why is he suddenly on the ground?

"I thought you'd be better at this, after the way you filled your mouth talking bullshit." His rival speaks with a teasing tone, mocking and towering his form with arms crossed. He looks at him calmly, smirk adorning the corner of his lips, taunting.

He can't find the strength to reply with sarcasm, still worried about being able to breathe normally, but he'd tell him to fuck off if he could.

A second Senju joins the meeting, a perfect clone that looks at him with the same condescension as the original Tobirama, and the Uchiha understands what his strategy was. The albino hid in the route he assumed Izuna would use as an escape path, years of knowledge gained from war and combat giving him clear information on what his enemy would do once aware of the danger, and sent his copy to make him run straight into him.

He simply had to hide and wait, let him sprint directly towards his arms.

Fucking cheating bastard.

"You said I couldn't use my Hiraishin, but you didn't say anything about other techniques." One of the two Tobiramas towering in front of him flips him over on the ground, pulling down his pants and exposing his ass to the air. The original hovers down on top of him and whispers in his ear "you'll take me twice today, just for being a pain in the ass." He can feel his erection against his bare skin, and the moment the Senju rises up and spits out his hand.

The rest is history.

Indra x Reader

An hour is not enough time when talking about being chased by Indra Otsutsuki himself, but he was kind enough to only walk in order to hunt her down. He will not hurry or rush the pace to capture her, only striding.

(Y/N) runs away as fast as she can, but nothing seems to provide space between her predator and her. She looks back and sees him moving calmly, straight in her direction. It is terrifying and distressing, unable to understand how it is possible that even when she runs as fast as she can, nothing manages to give her an advantage, to get away.

He didn't give her much time, an ever impatient man desperate to get what he wants, and the exhaustion the girl feels from having spent the last 60 minutes rushing is real.  People stare at her passing by quizzically, wondering what she's doing and where she's going in such a hurry.

The Uchiha compound is large, spacious, but she can't find anywhere suitable to hide. Indra knows every nook and cranny of each part of his own territory, completely internalized with the place he built, leaving her with no options.

They have been in this insane game for quite a while, and Indra seems to rejoice every time he seizes her in his hands only to allow her to try running away again.

She simply devotes all her effort to maintaining a high pace, forcing her legs to keep moving, not letting her intensity or guard down. (Y/n) is convinced she will manage to lose him if she keeps up her rhythm, ignoring the fact she had her time to escape, yet Indra caught up with her in a matter of minutes.

He didn't reveal what would happen if he captured her, but the malice with which he implied it would be in her best interest not to fall into his hands filled her with a terrible urgency, desperate to get away, save herself.

When she looks back, Indra is only a few steps away, smirking with anticipation for whatever it is he has in store. It looks as if he might touch her just by stretching out his arm, but he just keeps on making her run.

The horror of being hunted by such a determined and cruel person creates deep emptiness in her stomach, her body giving up and slowing down little by little. She doesn't want to be caught, she doesn't want to face the consequences of it, but her legs scream for a break and her feet can no longer stand the effort.

In tears, she decides to slow down, and feels the exact moment when the Otsutsuki towers behind her, waiting for her to turn and face him. "You have failed." Is all she hears before a hand closes over her mouth and she senses the man's chest against her back, a choked scream on his skin, and pure panic in her veins.

The scene suddenly changes, a moment of movement that seems unreal, vision blurring in her eyes and quickly adjusting again. The setting changes completely, and now she finds herself in a room, facing a bed. "Three times I've allowed you to run away, three times I've captured you. It's now time for me to collect my reward."

She is pushed mercilessly to the mattress, while Indra looks at her with satisfaction and derision as he takes off his robe. "I mentioned running behooves you, yet instead you dismissed my warning as a game. Now, on to the business at hand."