#3am is the death of Logic

[ibelieveinahappilyeverafter]

me, whisping furiously to myself: you don't need to post all the chapters you have written for a story at once, you don't need to post all the chapters at once, you don't need to-

[rainix13]

Eyes Don't Lie

masterlist

Natasha Romanoff x ExShieldAgent!Reader

description: Natasha gets sent on a mission to stop R one way or another but things go another way

Words: ~3k

Genre: fluff, angst (?)

Warnings: mention of suicide and death, violence (more or less), bad english (I wrote this at 3am)

Happy New Year

✮ ⋆ ˚｡𓅨⋆｡°✩✮ ⋆ ˚｡⋆｡°✩✮ ⋆ ˚｡⋆｡°✩✮ ⋆ ˚｡𓅨⋆｡°✩

Agent Romanoff stands in Director Fury's office, in front of them a big package.

Inside were two dead Shield Agents and a note.

Shield never should've started making deals with criminals. Their blood is on your hands Director. - ℛ

"Looks like her handwriting."

"Find her. I don't care if she's alive when you come back but wherever she goes she leaves dead people and that needs to stop."

"Are we sure it's her? Clint and I were the only ones to ever call her Raven. It's not exactly logical why she should use this as inital for a message" The assassin asked reluctantly.

"Is your personal connection gonna be a problem, Agent Romanoff?" The Director asks sternly but she shakes her head. "Of course not, Director"

✮ ⋆ ˚｡⋆｡°✩

You just arrived at the gala in Rome and got yourself a drink, looking around to spot your target.

It doesn't take long for you to find him. Red velvet suit, girls and women around him as if he'd give out smoothies for free.

You go to the bar and order yourself a drink when your eyes catch something else. Better someone. "Your drink" the bartender pulls your gaze away when he hands you your espresso martini. Slowly you look back to where your view was fixated on seconds before. But of course she was nowhere to be seen.

When you can't spot her anywhere else you shake your head smiling to yourself "Always a dance with you"

With that you put your glass down and make your way to the ladies room. But before you get there a hand grabs your arm, holding you back.

"I knew I wasn't hallucinating, when I saw you there, red" You turn around with a mischievous smile. The navy blue dress hugged her figure perfectly but was just loose enough that you knew she hid at least a few knives under it. Her red hair was longer than last time you've seen her and complimented her green piercing eyes. When your eyes meet, for a short moment everything stops. "You need to come with me" Natasha says in a firm tone. It sounded a bit pressured. Unnatural. But you know better than to trust on anything you hear from her. Not when her eyes say so much more. Ever had. That never ending green, that once hold so much affection for you.

You were good friends for quite a while. She saved your ass a few times and the other way around. When Clint was away she'd seek shelter in your room. Your friendship always held a flirtatious undertone but nothing either of you ever acted on.

But when Clint died everything fell apart. She fell apart. And you saved her. Held her when she cried, stopped her when she buried herself and her emotions in missions, calmed her down when she woke up from another nightmare.

It took months until Natasha slowly became herself again but you were there, waiting patiently until she took another step to build herself up again.

In that time both your teasing flirts turned into soft affection but still neither acted on it.

And then you left, leaving a trace of dead people behind you. Initially you planned to fake your own death. You'd have at least a few months to reorganize yourself and your situation until Shield would be on your heels again. But when you had the chance you couldn't do it. Hating Shield all you wanted, you couldn't let Natasha believe that another person close to her died in action. So she was the reason you made your life a lot harder. The day you left the Shield base for a last time you wrote a note, dropping it off at her room at the compound.

It's not your fault. Stay strong and kind

- your Raven

It was a nickname you earned in one of your first missions with the redhead. She had false intel and on a weapons dealer and got herself into a rather difficult situationship but wasn't able to communicate with Shield. Your mission was to hunt her down and get her out of there before they found out who she really was. And somehow you managed to do just that. You had barley any hints but found her in time and got her out. When you were on your way back in the Quinjet the Black Widow smirked at you "Good job, Raven"

You smiled at the compliment coming from THE Black Widow "Raven?"

In response she shrugged "Yeah. Exceptionally great hunters."

"You know that that's not actually possible" you sigh, turning away but she hardened her grip around your arm. "It wasn't a request" she says lowley but now an evenly dangerous smirk plasters your face. "I'd be careful on how I act if I were you, Red. We wouldn't want to start a massacre" You subtly gesture around you, her eyes following yours. Across the room were several people staring directly at her. "Four dancing, two at the bar and another two talking to other guests. Every one of them at least as armed as you are, my beautiful assassin."

Natasha shakes her head faintly blushing at the given nickname. "You and I both know that they wouldn't be a match for the two of us. You don't have to work for them. Come back with me. Please." She whispers, almost pleading you'd take that chance. How much truth behind that pleading tone was, isn't something you're willing to bet on.

A sad smile returns to your face "I- They don't force me to do anything. They more or less work for me They're here to protect me. You make a wrong move and I couldn't even stop them from killing you on the spot."

She closes her eyes in disbelief "You were right. It's always a dance with you"

With that she pulls you on the dance floor, finding the rhythm to the slow waltz. "Why? Why are you doing this?" Her one hand on your hip, the other holding your own. "'Cause Shield changed. I was never content with making deals with criminals just because they could contain worse criminals. Just because they're less bad I won't accept that we let them do horrible things. They're destroying lives and families too. And some of those bastards even became Shield Agents. They run their cartels and mobs while getting paid by Shield." You didn't plan on sharing that much on the spot but Natasha was always special to you. Your weakness, the one thing that could make you a liability when you're not working with her. With every word you spoke the frown on the older woman's face gets deeper. "That's not true. I know that there are two or three affiliates who aren't completely legal and innocent but Shield would never-" You interrupt her, your gaze hardening. "Yes they would. You don't even need to believe me I can show you the files. I found them by accident, copied them and ran" "They're fake" Natasha spits, a mix of anger and confusion lacing her tone but you just pull her from the dance floor towards the ladies room.

"See for yourself" You say handing her your phone before you push her into a stall, blocking it from the outside. "Y/N, let me out! Now." In that moment another woman enters just in time to hear her say "I swear I'm gonna kill you here and now if you don't let me out right now"

The woman who entered locks eyes with you "Any problems? If she makes trouble-" You shake your head. "I can handle her. Make sure Antonio doesn't leave, we need him. I just need to get this here over with first" The woman in front of you nod, giving the new orders out to everyone else before she leaves. "You know you can't handle me. Not in a fight anyway" The mix of angry playfulness and stating mere facts undeniable. "Did you read the files?" You ask, hoping she wouldn't notice the slight tremble in your own voice. With some hesitation the redhead answers "Yeah. I- The last file..." she trails off not wanting to say it out loud. The last file was the one that made something inside you snap when you read it first. It was about the agent who was Clint's partner on the mission he died in. Throughout that mission their target came in contact with the drug cartel this 'agent' was running. He sabotaged Clint's intercom so he wouldn't take down his cartel. His plan was that Clint noticed the broken intercom and just wouldn't go. But Clint noticed it too late and by then he was so deep in, he didn't manage to get out. That agent was responsible for Clint's death. "An accident. That's how Fury described it in the final report." You say bitterly and open the door. The redhead steps out, tears threatening to fall from her eyes but you avoid her gaze as you continue. "That's why I'm here today. It took me the last seven months to bring down other, smaller organizations to finally get some intel on him."

"You could have told me" Natasha argues quietly but you shake once again your head.

She takes your hand again, leading you back to the dance floor. You return to the position you were in previously, her free hand on your waist, yours on her shoulder.

For a few minutes you just dance until you break the comfortable silence.

"Shield is your life. I didn't want to take that from you"

"But it was because of Clint. You know that. You pieced back together what was left of me after...after he died. You should've told me."

You sigh and can't resist to lay your head on her shoulder, breathing in her comforting scent. "You don't understand. I...I never meant for you to find out. I wanted to avenge him and i don't know. Probably chase down the loose ends that were left after that."

"If I shouldn't notice, leaving a trail of bodies isn't exactly elegant. You probably just should've - I don't know - fake your death or something. Then we wouldn't have been on you from the first second on" her soft teasing smirk playing around her lips when you look up but you don't send one back. Instead you laugh humorless and finally meet her eyes. "You think I'm that stupid? To not consider that option? I should be insulted. I had a whole plan. A fake scenario mission. Timed perfectly, so you'd be away on a mission and couldn't jump in to save me. I even went on that mission. Told the other agent to stay back in the jet. It was perfect"

"What went wrong?" she pushes, noticing the sudden change in your demeanor.

You close your eyes and bury your face deeper in her shoulder, trying to avoid her gaze.

"Human error" you whisper so she can barely hear it but she did. "I stood there. On a cliff. I had a hologram mission running - stole a few training bots and programmed them to act like the enemies. The last bot should've run to me near the cliff. We both know these bots aren't a real match but I would've faked an intense fight, some struggle and then he would've pushed me off the cliff. But last second I just shot him. I thought about jumping. Correcting the mistake I just did by a tragic unforseen suicide. Of course my plan wasn't fool proof. The possibility to die from the fall or jump was about twenty percent. But that wasn't the problem." You pause, remembering the situation. You stood there, already balancing on the edge. Just one step.

"What was the problem?" Natasha brings you back to the present. You let yourself sink against her even more, inhaling her vanilla scent while you mentally prepare to escape the upcoming awkwardness.

"Y/N?" she pulls you out of your thoughts "It was you" you reply carefully "I'm aware that - for you - what we had probably wasn't as intense and personal as your relationship to Clint was but  I still couldn't bear the thought of loading another death on you. So I shot at the bot. And didn't jump. You didn't do anything wrong and you didn't deserve to have to work through that kind of grief again. So instead I just ran. Because of you"

When she doesn't reply immediately you pull away and turn to go but before you get far, she once again gets a hold of you and pulls you back. And for the first time this evening you can see it. The internal battle she fights. How her cold professionalism flickers and reveals something else. Something warmer.

"What did we mean to you?" she asks.

A painful smile crosses your face when you find your voice again "You don't wanna know that. Especially not since you're here to either bring me back to Fury or kill me."

"What if I weren't here for that?" her green eyes pleading for an answer.

Just when you open your mouth to answer one of your people comes up again "You can speak, Chase. She's... she's alright" You reassure him. "Our target is going to leave soon." You nod and turn to Natasha. "Twenty minutes. Give me twenty minutes and I'll do anything you want. I'll let you kill me. I'll let you drag me back to prison. I promise."

With that you slip into the crowd, looking for Antonio.

When you find him you walk up to him, greeting him in your best french accent "Antonio, my hero"

The blonde turned to you, a huge confident smile on his lips. "And who are you, mi amore?"

From then it was almost too easy. You asked all the love drunken questions getting all the self-centered, personal answers you wanted. Internally you rolled your eyes every time he began a new sentence but the more you knew about him and his life, the more you could piece into what you knew about his father.

"And who do you owe such beauty and greatness to? You must have great genetics?" You hope to direct the conversation to his father and of course it works. "Most of this is coming from my own hard work, mir amore. But of course you're right, a great painting needs a good canvas." You internally cringe at the reference. Now you'd never be able to look at a canvas the same. "That canvas was provided by my dear father, Jovanno Conti. We can visit him if you spend the weekend with me at mia casa. I'm sure he'd be thrilled to meet such a pretty little woman like you." He lays his arm around your waist and it takes all your self control not to push him away but you stay still. "Oh, where is your casa, Antonio?" For some reason especially self-centered rich men absolutely love hearing their own name at the end of every sentence. "In Bologna, you ever been there?" You shake your head. That was everything you needed. But until you could finally excuse yourself to 'use the bathroom' you had to endure his talking five long more minutes.

When you could finally go you immediately find Natasha again and go to her. "I got everything, we're ready to go." Chase, who stands right behind the redhead nod and gives the others a sign.

Without another word you lead Natasha to the car that waited for you.

Inside you sigh "I won't fight you. If you kill me let me write down the intel I got so you can avenge Clint. If you want to put me behind bars let me blow that bastard up first."

"Why? So your people kill me?" Natasha asks for what feels like the thousandth time this evening. A small smile escapes you as the two cars behind you blow up. All eight people gone. "You out of all people should know that the maximum of 'team' I work with is two"

Natasha's face still holds confusion so you continue. "I don't have people. They were what was left from the smaller organizations I took down. They convinced me to let them work for me. All of them already planned my death, I was just a little faster with planning theirs. It's just you and me. And that legally paid, innocent chauffeur in front"

"Then why won't you fight me? I mean i-if you're right - think that you're right" Natasha corrects herself "then why would you give that up?"

"You really don't understand it, do you, Natasha? I give up for the same reason I ran instead of faking my death. I give up because it's you." A single tear escapes your eyes "It's always you." Your voice cracks.

The final facade of professionalism the redhead held up slipped away, leaving you confronted with the raw and deep affection in her eyes.

"Then let me leave Shield behind and go with you. Please Y/N." You took a shaky breath before blinking some tears away.

"I'm not worth everything else you have left in your life. It'd be wasted" you say bitterly, with a self-disgusted fake smile on your lips.

"No, it's not" Nat argues in a for her unusually soft tone but you shake your head "Yes, it is"

This time she contradicts with more pressure. Her determination clear, though her voice still soft and caring.

"Not if it's you" after a short pause she adds "not for me"

And before she can stop herself she closes the last bit of distance between you. Your lips melt against hers and you just let it happen. Your never stopping  salty tears mixing with the sweetness of her lips. You never wanted this moment to be over. After waiting so long to do this she finally did it and you are falling apart for her. But for now you don't even bother, your lips fit so perfectly, her strong arms pulling you on her lap. You only broke away because both of you desperately needed some air.

She holds you close enough you can breathe in her scent and yet her hold on you isn't tight. Her hands only loosely grabbing on to you, as if she put too much pressure on, you might break under them. As if your physical appearance was as fragile as you look right now. So vulnerable and tired. So lost.

Your teary eyes make your vision blurry but Natasha's hands move up to your cheeks, wiping them gently away.

"I missed you so much, my little raven" The older woman whispered, her own voice thick with emotions. "I missed you too."

Both your eyes glowing, promising things neither of you could ever put into words.

[feyd-meowtha]

Sneak peek at the start of 3am Eternal ch6!

Bucky woke up feeling worse than he had in a long time, jackhammers inside his skull and regret thick and bitter on his tongue. He regained consciousness sprawled on the couch, having failed to make it to his bedroom, and for a moment he felt a pang of anger at Uli for letting him pass out in such an uncomfortable position. He groaned, feeling the way that every vertebrae in his spine creaked and groaned under his own dead weight, and realised that his anger was ridiculous. Uli wasn’t the caring type and expecting that from him was a mistake, whatever he wanted Bucky to believe. He smacked his dry lips, wiping a crust of dry saliva from his chin before inching his way up to sitting and looking around the room.

Everything was still there, right down to the dirty socks on the floor, and he breathed a sigh of relief that Uli hadn’t stolen anything. It wasn’t because there was any logical reason that he would, he clearly wasn't short on cash, but there was something sly about the man that meant Bucky wouldn’t put it past him to take something just for the sport of it. He was mulling this over when his eyes caught on an unfamiliar object, standing slap bang in the middle of his coffee table.

He squinted at it for a moment, cringing at the afternoon sunlight glinting off its polished surface, before he realised what it was. A zippo lighter, or more accurately, Uli’s zippo lighter. He reached out instinctively but his hand never reached its target, hovering in mid-air a few centimetres away. The object made him nervous. Something about the way it was placed, so perfectly in the centre of the table, felt a little too much like a trap. Bucky just stared at it for a moment, struggling to believe that a person as fastidious as Uli would leave something behind in such an obvious place.

After a few breaths he convinced himself to pick it up. It was ice cold between his clammy fingers and he turned it over to read the inscription he had caught sight of a few days earlier. Wir sind ja nicht aus Zucker.

The words meant nothing to him, of course, but the lighter felt hard and heavy in his hand, heavier than it should. Chewing on the inside of his lip, he set it back down on the table, a slight shiver of revulsion passing through it as it left his fingers, the same way it did when he found a spider in the apartment, coaxed it into a jar and set it down on the windowsill. For no reason that he could articulate, he wiped his hand on his trousers, feeling both too hot and too cold as his body clamoured for water, food and a merciful death, in that order.

Next chapter coming sometime in the next week! (Link to ch1 below the cut, please heed the tags!)

[asleepinawell]

lingering questions and thoughts on the dlc lore

first off, some of these may have been addressed in item descriptions and i either 1) missed an item or 2) read it but it was 3am and my brain didn't retain some detail

all opinions are just opinions etc, i have no interest in getting in lore fights and block people who try and start them. I'm too tired for that shit. this is just fun speculation

one question i had that i feel must have been answered was what was the scadutree actually for?

what was the timeline regarding messmer and melina's birth? they're referred to together as if they're twins or were born close together. my assumption was that messmer at least was radagon's kid with marika, but the dialogue of the story trailer implies his purge took place shortly after marika's ascension. marika could have split off radagon fairly early (even as part of the process of becoming a god like miquella and st trina) but there was no mention of them having kids until after the rennala thing much later on. my assumption about his parentage is based on 1) hair color and 2) he has a special curse which gives him something in common with malenia/miquella. he is not an empyrean though so maybe radagon isn't the dad (did you fuck the god devouring snake marika????)

i don't want to touch on the miquella and radahn stuff too much since I'm not interested in The Discourse. (i found the parts of the story about marika and the hornsent to be far more interesting). i will say that while the radahn thing felt like it came out of nowhere, the reason miquella didn't choose malenia is probably because 1) she's another empyrean and therfore a candidate for being a god, not a lord, and 2) she's already been claimed by a god. godwyn would have been the more lore logical choice but he didn't even get a mention, like "miquella wanted him but his soul was gone". so weird choice (and bad boss fight) but eh

i'm not sure if miquella's two fingers is ever commented on but he and ranni both followed a similar path in abandoning their flesh to remove themselves from the greater will's influence except ranni then went feral and stabbed hers to death and then got engaged while still covered in its blood. 10/10 no notes

one thing I'd wanted but hadn't expected to get was the reason marika smashed the ring. the whole "woman went crazy because her son died" thing is very grrm and 😬 about what i expect from how his writing handles women, BUT! i think the dlc gives a more complicated possibility for this. marika gets her tragic backstory (which i was also dreading because grrm) and it's one that actually made a lot of sense in terms of the lore and did a good job explaining her actions without justifying them (she slapped the cycle of violence on the roof and was like this bad boy can fit so much perpetuation). the fact she removed death from the elden ring after having witnessed the brutal extermination of her people makes complete sense. and then her son gets killed. she obtained godhood to punish the hornsent and to protect what was left of her people (which seems to mostly be the children she had later) and the elden ring failed her and her kid died. it wasn't grief over her son, so much as past trauma mixed with extreme anger. she took on godship to prevent this and the elden ring had failed her. it had one job basically. radagon, who lacked her memories, was immune to this. overall i think that's a decent plot compared to what it could have been

the whole story with the hornsent also makes the story of morgot and mohg much darker (and it was already dark). marika must have been really pissed and upset to have omen children (maybe part of why she ditched godfrey?). since they were her blood she wouldn't have killed them (since protecting the last of the shamans/numen was her thing), but man. fucked up if true etc

marika probably would have gone apeshit about jarburg if she hadn't been off being crucified

also since ranni was not marika's kid (or wasn't raised by her per se) she might not have known anything about marika's backstory and not expected marika's reaction to godwyn's death. edit: this is not me being like ranni did nothing wrong. i support women's wrongs. i think they should do more of them. more like, imagine ranni kills godwyn and then suddenly marika smashes the ring and all the other demigods go nuts and start waging war and she's just like huh. wild. and then fucks off to her tower until they all get it out of their systems

the lgbtq community has forgiven mohg is possibly the funniest narrative choice they could have made. poor man didn't even get to yell sex in his fight 😔. at least he had some of the sickest looking moves in the game

rellana was the best boss in the dlc and possibly the whole game imo. the fact she may have been into messmer is really funny though because 1) if you go age of stars that is now your aunt in law kicking your ass and 2) your aunt in law who is into the brother of your wife. what a family. no wonder ranni wants to go to space

[kerubimcrepin]

Liveblog - Dofus, livre 1 : Julith [PART 11]

As I've mentioned, Kerubim and Julith have Beef.

As far as she is concerned, whether he was behind her framing (he wasn't) he is one of the people to blame. He defeated her that fateful day, and then she never saw her son again.

I've already went into detail, on the way "killing" her has affected him, (A mixture of horror and duty. Killing a mother and making a child an orphan for the sake of a city. Being grateful for her dying because it made him a father instead. Feeling awful for that thought.) but it is interesting, how he reacted to her turning out to be alive, when he killed her with his own hands.

Seething. Perhaps even coping.

This is chichala, which we had seen. I suppose he uses it to buff himself up before the boss fight. Drinking alcohol before a fight is very much RPG logic.

Sadly, there are no interesting buffs to it in-game:

I think a lot about the way Kerubim, Joris, and Atcham would be characterized in video game logic, by the way. I still have no working theory of how the hell their fighting styles would synergize. Would Joris be their buffer/debuffer? Their glass canon? Both? And do any of them take ranged weapons on missions...?

They probably do. It'd be kinda dumb not to. Personally, I like to imagine that Atcham would be the one using those, most of the time. He has that "skyrim stealth archer" vibe to him. (Though they're all melee users, through and through.)

Despite how smug he is at a couple of moments, he really was struggling during this fight.

My honest reaction whenever Kerubim does this fucking face is just:

This is very much a "deeply mentally ill adoptive father (who inadvertently ruined his child's life by adopting them to atone for his sins + because he was abused as a child) fighting through an army for his child before dying in their arms and saying they're the only good thing he ever had" look for him.

Another reason that one has to support both women's rights and wrongs when talking about Julith, is that, like.,.. what was she playing at, here? There are two possibilities:

That she would destroy whoever has the dragon's soul and set it free, giving her an advantage.

That Kerubim would shield that person.

Either one is good. :)

Either way she was perfectly willing to risk/attempt blowing up a random, innocent person, who was hiding from her.

My personal headcanon is that while Julith is physically stronger than Kerubim, she lost ten years prior because she couldn't stop thinking about The Baby. Where were they taking Joris? Did Bakara leave with him? Is Joris alright? Didn't Jahash give him to this cat man, who was now trying to kill her? What the fuck is going on, who did this, why, why, why?

I imagine seeing him lose for the exact same reason brings her great pleasure.

the nonbinary slay here was insane

Guys I think this might be bad for Joris's long term mental stability.

On a more serious note, I think there should be more content about Joris fucking hating Julith. During the movie? There's too much going on to work out what he feels.

But after? He has all the time in the world to hate her for everything she did.

I do think that he probably grew up and found whoever framed her to take revenge on/to get justice. But hating her, and wanting to clear her name of the crimes she DIDN'T commit so she could have some peace in death, so that people would stop smearing her name, — are two things that can coexist.

Like to slap his bald scaly head, reblog to slap his bald scaly head.

Kerubim never changed his stupid ass baka "George George the Farmer Farmer" name.

Though we've been knew.

BAD. I DON'T LIKE THIS.

AND she recognizes him by the blue eyes. AND, this implies that, for the entirety of the Dofus show, — and the entirety of Wakfu as well, since he, once again, has yellow eyes there, — he had dragon eyes.

Imagine being Simone, waking up at 3am, realizing because you forgot something in Joris and Kerubim's bedroom, sneaking in, and seeing this.

It also raises some questions about adult Joris, because we know he no longer has Grougalorasalar in him. The easiest explanation is that he spent so much time with the dragon, that after their final separation, his eyes couldn't change anymore.

After all, — the changes the dragon made to his height/skin/hair are permanent. It would make sense that, with time, even his eyes would be permanently altered.

I don't think it's a sad thing, by the way. Imagine going your whole life with beautiful brown eyes that look a bit like your adoptive father's. Then imagine suddenly having blue eyes (scary) and that they're your Dead Father's Who You Never Met but whom everyone misses. Like which pair of eyes would you choose? Because I think there IS a right answer to this riddle.

I think Julith has convinced herself that whoever took her and Jahash out wouldn't want loose ends, and that Joris was taken out as well, or something. Maybe that's why he wasn't really on her mind.

Mind you, this is a tinfoil hat headcanon.

This is so beautiful, to me... She was so emotionally stricken by seeing him again as his mother, that his father, who was both fatally wounded and stricken by seeing her perform deeply painful dark rituals on his son after traumatizing him, could land one last hit on her to save said son.

Julith has been a mother for a grand total of a few days to a month, while Kerubim has been for 10 years. Of course, her first concern is getting surprised it's him, and not that she hurt him. Because she couldn't even dream that she'd ever see him again.

There's a tragedy in that. She never even had a chance to learn how to be his mother, or who he is as a person, — she was the mother of an infant. Her love for him is far more theoretical than Kerubim's.

It's a love for Joris not as a person, but as a lost opportunity.

So she has no regrets about hurting him, — and she will hurt him as many times as it takes, if that's what it takes to get back her family.

[gender-thief2]

random death note sleeping headcanons:

light needs like total darkness to sleep and L’s blue laptop light shining on him at 3am just might cause him to become kira again

meanwhile L’s totally oblivious and on his 10th lollipop not planning on winding down anytime soon because sleeping for the week obviously.

L totally insists that sleep deprivation helps him with cases, because when he’s well rested he’s more hesitant to make insane (but oddly accurate) leaps in logic, and when he hasn’t taken a break in 36 hours, kira needing specifically a name and a face to kill makes perfect sense (like maybe he just decided not to kill you tf).

misa stays up until ungodly hours writing in her diary (she has gorgeous handwriting and doodles hearts in the margins). she also doodles her and light holding hands, with “misa yagami san” (aka mrs misa yagami), over it.

L sleeps even less on the kira case than he normally does, because he doesn’t want light to be alone with him while he’s vulnerable. eventually he passes out of course.

L is a very heavy sleeper, he doesn’t snore, and sleeps curled up on his side. Light is a very light sleeper, and wakes up at least once every night. Light also has nightmares a lot, even after having his memories erased, so he tosses and turns a lot, and whispers things. L has taken to writing down what he says whenever this happens, and quickly develops a habit of just watching Light sleep when he gets bored of working.

im not sure how to end this so goodbye

[dia-the-fangirl]

one thing that really annoys me is when people completely ignore canon stuff for their ships. For instance: Jegulus. we never saw Regulus at ALL during the books, except for Sirius and Kreacher’s recollections and his bedroom. And when we take Sirius’s relationship with his family into account, we can infer that James and Regulus didn’t get along, if they even met. I do personally hc James as bisexual, but from the moment he met Lily Evans, he knew she was the one. Sure, he was an absolute butthole, but he was 100% in love with her. Regulus, on the other hand, was so proud to be a Slytherin and was a fricking death eater for a little bit. James would have never fell for someone who was a death eater, or was interested in becoming one. Logically, Jegulus makes no sense!

thank you for coming to my TED talk. Have a great day/night/3AM. reblog with more illogical ships.

[thereapersgambit]

Here's a 3am post about Lenore and Annabel Lee's death. If the logic isn't...there it's because I just woke up from it being too hot to sleep.

Anyway, in some earlier posts I made it clear that I believe Anna and Leo most likely died by their fathers' hand after they were found out to be scheming to get married and run away together.

But I was having my daily Nevermore brainrot when a thought popped up in my head about the latest class specifically it's location, Mystery Manor. The goal: to get to the Widow's watch and ring the bell.

But if a student were to get up there after getting past every Specterd being, they have to face the last one: The Lady in White.

Now, I've been thinking that it may not be just a coincidence since the Widow's Watch correlates more to Annabel's Spectre than anyone. It also led me to believe that Annabel wasn't the one to die first. Lenore was, making her a widow. Technically, it doesn't make sense sense she was yet to be married but died before it but I still went along with the thought.

It got me thinking of the next person who could've taken an opportunity to find out who Lenore was and kill her which is the other potential suitor and childhood friend of Annabel. Okay, now I still think Annabel's father still killed her but back to the suitor. Her social season is ending and he just so happens to show up to take what he thinks was always his. Annabel's hand in marriage.

So he pulls up and sees this Leo guy succeeding to court Anna and gets suspicious. It reminds me of Jafar from Aladdin so can we just refer to him as such in this post for now lol. Anyway, Jafar suddenly wants to get to the bottom of who this Leo guy is and find out that he isn't a guy at all. He may even fimd out he's plotting with Annabel Lee.

This causes him to go start snitchin to Anna's father. Or even wanting to get revenge on their big day because Mr. Whitlock doesn't believe him at all. So he shoots Lenore first and tries to expose Annabel for their scheming.

There would be conflict between Annabel, Jafar and her father about knowing she was a girl. This could lead to Mr. Whitlock killing her for this. It's unexpected from everyone, especially Annabel Lee who expected to habe her father by her sode always. Whether he thought killing her would be, in a sick and twisted way, for her own good I really don't know.

But that's the gist of this theory. It's been forty minutes and I might look for a snack or go back to bed but thanks for reading and don't be afraid to add on, debunk, whatever it is but just no hate or I'll cry and that's a threat.🚶🏾‍♀️see ya.

[voidscarredadjudicator]

Random question, but what Ink weapons do you think would do the most damage/be lethal if any to Kaleb? I feel like an E-litre and Explosher would be nasty, especially at close range

Both of those would put the hurt on big time for sure, but as far as the most lethal out of anything?

Without a doubt, it's actually Splatoon 2's Sting Ray (and by extension, the Stingers in Salmon Run). These things shoot ink with enough force to just pierce any and all map geometry - and I'd like to think that implies that it's literally cutting through these things to be able to do that (obviously not represented in gameplay bc it's impractical to reflect that on many different levels). Waterjets are a real thing, and waterjet injuries are incredibly dangerous because of how water being forced through a tiny hole at incredibly high pressures reacts when hitting soft, spongey material such as flesh.

This click-baity ass video does actually do a pretty decent job at showing the kind of damage you could expect. Imagine this cranked up to eleven if it was being shot by a Sting Ray. Kaleb would actually just fucking explode in a red mist. And yes, I am thinking about this for Act 2.

(if you wanna skip the setup they start testing it around 5:10)

I'd imagine the Sting Ray being removed in Splatoon 3 can have a very plausible explanation in canon that's basically just, "we got sued into the ground because of Sting Ray damages"; which would also explain why the Salmonids are still using it, as they do not give a shit about that.

All of that said, honorable mentions to the Killer Wail (both OG and 5.1) for similar reasons. Apparently, sound can cause damage to internal organs at above 185 dB (for comparison, the sound of a jet engine is about 140 dB). It's 3am right now and I'm a little too sleepy to go on a Matpat tier mathing spree taking cartoon logic realistically and determining that the fuckin princess cannon is ten gorillion decibels loud or some shit because it had enough force to stop Tartar's ink death ray, but the standard Killer Wails are probably powerful enough to make Kaleb receive permanent hearing damage, if not outright making him go deaf.

...Crab tank could probably also kill him with focus fire at full windup if aiming at the head. Most weapons probably could, in the sense that hitting someone in the head enough times with a blunt object will eventually crack the skull.

[thepringlesofblood]

Major ACOC Spoilers

so, there are a few posts out there pointing out two math errors in acoc ep9 - Liam’s damage to Ciabatta being miscounted as 67 instead of 77, and Jet’s riposte for 13 damage not hitting Ciabatta when it should’ve. this is true. this might lead one to wonder, “well, if those extra 23 points of damage were counted, would Ciabatta be dead? would Jet have lived?”

I wanna clear things up for all of yall who are watching ACOC for the first time after the ravening war, so i did the math (under the cut) by counting his hp in the finale as he took damage.

Ciabatta had 118 hp

it wouldn’t have made a difference. if both errors were fixed and he was dealt the full 77 + 13, he’s still walking out of there with 28 hp.

to be clear: absolutely no shade on the intrepid heroes/brennan. no one clown on this post about whether they should’ve done this or that. it was 3am in a warehouse in Hollywood on a wicked messed up shooting schedule. Jet’s death was a beautiful, emotional scene, and it’d be weird and narratively dissonant to go back and redo it bc some math was wrong.

i did this math bc my logic brain just needs to know how the numbers do for my own personal peace of mind. given the several other posts I’ve seen trying to calculate this same thing, others have the same problem. so. enjoy.

Ciabatta doesn’t physically appear in the finale until pt 2

“The last Ceresian force musters, appears at the front of the wall with Imperator Ciabatta” is at 1:33:00ish

first damage done to him is by Saccharina, when she Cone of Colds his whole force in front of the castle for 41 damage (1:37:08). it hits him and the forces he was leading, and they do not save for half.

after that we have this exchange:

Zac: Ciabatta's-

Brennan: Ciabatta is still very much alive.

Emily: Okay. He's very much alive though, he's doing really well?

Brennan: Yes.

Emily: Okay. Then just to fuck with him, I'm gonna fire breathe on him.

and she does. Cinnamon uses his breath weapon to deal 57 damage, demolishing the rest of the forces

Brennan: He does not save for half. He goes from looking wounded but okay to injured, badly injured.

then of course the final damage is done by Ruby w the water-steel dagger

Siobhan: It's 4d6.

Brennan: 4d6, he just rolled a natural 4 on his Constitution save.

Siobhan: Great, it's actually three Constitution saves. It's 12.

Brennan: 12 damage, but you also add your sneak Attack.

Ally: Oh!

Brennan: Yeah.

Siobhan: 12, 14, 16.

Brennan: More than 20?

Siobhan: Yeah.

Brennan: Standing in the burned and frozen remains of his soldiers, what happens to Imperator Ciabatta?

[as a 7th lvl rogue, Ruby has 4d6 sneak attack dice]

so, presumably, Ciabatta had 20 hp left before being stabbed.

41 + 57 + 20 = 118

now, I highlighted those exchanges for a reason. It is technically possible that Brennan was using a similar mechanic for Ciabatta leading his troops as the PCs leading theirs- being attacked as a troop by another troop does deal the commander as an individual some of the damage, but not all. so, the Cone of Cold may not have dealt all 41 points of damage to him. here’s how he’s described after the Cone of Cold

“very much alive” “doing really well”

after breath weapon “He goes from looking wounded but okay to injured, badly injured“

so it is possible that the Cone of Cold did not do full damage bc of troop mechanics. however. personally I feel like since Saccharina is not attacking as a troop but as an individual (with a dragon), it’s not troop v troop action.

fun fact: Saccharina’s breath weapon attack + Ruby’s finishing blow is 77 damage - the same amount of damage Liam (should have) done to Ciabatta in episode 9 (that didn’t take him down)

so as long as Saccharina’s Cone of Cold did more than 13 damage [Jet’s riposte] to Ciabatta (which I’d fucking think it would even w very unlikely troop mechanics), then it wouldn’t have made any difference.

and bc we know he took at the very least a non-zero amount of damage from the Cone of Cold (“wounded but okay”), nothing would’ve saved Jet. the other assassins had already hit, and even with the math fixed on Liam’s damage 77 would never have taken him down. the only difference even possible is that her 13 damage riposte might’ve downed him, but even that is extremely unlikely - Ciabatta would’ve had to take less than half damage from Cone of Cold, and he did not save.

[howam-i-theparent]

Sanders sides incorrect quotes based on my friends/family

Janus: I knew one of us was a vampire, and I’m surprised that it wasn’t me

Roman: What are you talking about? Of course you are a vampire, O tried to wake you up that one time, and you just hissed at me

Janus: I guess I am a vampire

Virgil: and the way you dress is a undead giveaway

Janus: Fair

Virgil: not to mention that you have the darkest room, that doesn’t get any sunlight, in the entire mindscape

Janus: Okay! I get it!

Remus: Jeffery Dammer is my inspiration and husband

Virgil: We need a Logic and a Lesbian, a logical lesbian

Roman: at least I’m hotter than you!

Remus: at least I have a mustache!

Remus: Logan, if you don’t stop dipping your carrots in your cheese, I’m kicking you out of the table.

Virgil: Whatcha watching?

Roman: It’s not gay

Virgil: Never-mind then

Remus: What’s up Broskis! *does a anime girl pose while dressed as a flower fairy*

Virgil: I want everyone to be guilty of my death

Remus: Hachoinkers! *hits Roman on the head*

Patton: If you get hurt… , I’ll- I’ll- take care of you.

Remus: You are being Shuned! Cmon Roman! Shun with me!

Janus: See you in hell!

Virgil: I’m going to kill you-

Roman: You can’t, you love me too much

Roman: Holly snickerdoodles!

Janus: I am your mother! And your father! I can be both!

Logan: Hey, fun fact! did you know, *spits out a obscure (and kind of gross) science fact that no one understood*

Janus: You guys are all on drugs

Logan: Okay, fine, I’ll play along

Logan (letter to Patton): What did I agree too?

Roman: Fudge you keyboard, you can eat my potatoes

Roman: Okay, so, I just pushed up the lid- and- the water just spilled on me!

Virgil: *starts laughing* How-

Roman: The stupidity magic!

Virgil: I feel bad for his girlfriend * Watching one of those 3am videos*

[proshipezreal]

Ok so I saw you say you were happy to explain some stuff so. I've gotten to the point where I'm just like,,, idek why this all got blown up. Like yeah some shit makes me genuinely uncomfortable but also. Some ppl deal with their own trauma and shit that way. Idk where I stand in anything and I thought I'd ask for your pov? Like ik youre on the proshipping side but that's the point. I want to have a genuine conversation with someone abt this. A lot of the stuff I see on both ends is just really aggressive sounding and I'm kind of sick of it (like anyone sending anyone death threats is just fucked). So if you're willing I want to know your pov.

I don't think fictional effects reality on a 1:1 scale, but I still think it can play a part in shaping how people think. But ik it's a good way to explore topics in a safer way and I think getting rid of all depictions of smth is stupid. I genuinely don't get some stuff but I want to know your and others sides. I wish there was some way to just talk about this without ppl losing their minds (not directed at anyone in particular, I've just seen people (including antis. def including antis like holy shit) get way worked up).

Obv you're not needed to respond. Ik you have your own life. I thought I would just ask. This is a lot of text so thanks even if you just read it.

Hi!! So there's not really a question you're asking here, you're just kinda rambling, so I'm not sure what kinda response you were looking for but after reading this a few times this is what I've come up with:

Disclaimer: I'm gonna get real personal here but I promise it has a point.

I'm someone who has extreme homicidal tendencies, I have since I was a kid. And I've regularly consumed horror and slasher content from a young age. But never once have I seen a murder or violent scene in fiction that made me believe it would be okay to act on my impulses. I've always known that it's wrong, and no matter how many villains I sympathize with and can understand their actions, it's never made me think that killing was good or acceptable. Yes, I can understand why someone would do it, but it's never once changed how I viewed right or wrong, even as a kid.

We all agree video games don't cause violence, right? And we all know that correlation does not equal causation, right?

So why does that logic get thrown out the window the moment it's shipping or darkfic instead of video games.

The average person learns to distinguish fiction from reality at a very young age. Sure, not everyone can and or not everyone figures it out at the same time. But ultimately the average person older than 15 can tell a difference between fiction and reality. The average person does not let fiction they consume shape their morals. Yes, there's always going to be outliers that do, but they're few and far between when you really consider how popular fiction and even dark fiction is.

Fiction is supposed to affect your emotions, it's supposed to make you feel something, not think it.

I've been in almost exclusively abusive relationships (none of my current ones are, thankfully <3) and using unhealthy, "gross", taboo, and even triggering(to myself) topics in fiction with my little dolls and daydreams has helped me cope with the fact it's not my fault, it's helped me be able to overcome certain triggers, and has even helped me make certain realizations about myself along the way. Even without that being the intent. Sometimes you just want to write a little fucked up story and all the sudden you're having a realization about something and texting your therapist at 3am.

Fiction is a powerful tool, but it's (usually) not powerful enough to reshape someone's whole world view. And if it does, that's not the fictions fault? A persons morals and their beliefs are their own choices and own thoughts and feelings. No one else is responsible for that. Plenty of people in bad situations turn out good and plenty of people in good situations turn out bad.

There's always, always, going to be something out there that makes you uncomfortable or even triggers you. But just because you have that reaction to it doesn't mean everyone does. Banning or even just limiting/censoring what other people do for your own comfort only helps you and harms countless others. The best thing you can do is block people, block tags, filter words, don't cross tag, and don't go searching for stuff you know upsets you on purpose.

[denimbex1986]

'UPDATED: India’s minister for information and broadcasting Anurag Thakur has asked for the sex scene in “Oppenheimer,” which features a line from Hindu holy scripture “Bhagavad Gita,” to be deleted, reports NDTV, quoting sources.

PREVIOUSLY: A sex scene in Christopher Nolan’s “Oppenheimer” featuring a line from Hindu holy scripture “Bhagavad Gita” has led to protests even as the film rakes it in at the box office.

The film was passed with a U/A certificate by India’s Central Board of Film Certification.

SPOILER ALERT: The sex scene features Cillian Murphy as Robert Oppenheimer and Florence Pugh as Jean Tatlock. Pugh stops during intercourse, gets up and goes over to the bookshelf, picks out a copy of the “Bhagavad Gita” and asks Murphy to read from it. Murphy reads the line “I am become Death, destroyer of worlds,” the quote from the “Bhagavad Gita” that Oppenheimer famously thought of when the first nuclear bomb was detonated – as intercourse resumes.

The 700-verse “Bhagavad Gita” – literally the word of God – is a part of the Indian epic “Mahabharata” and consists of a dialogue on a battlefield between the prince Arjuna and the divine Krishna as the former undergoes a moral dilemma.

India flocked to see “Oppenheimer” in Imax and other formats from shows beginning as early as 3am, as Nolan is a huge draw in the country. Protests began on social media almost immediately after.

Among them was Uday Mahurkar, a journalist who was appointed by the Indian government as an information commissioner in 2020. Mahurkar is also the founder of the Save Culture Save India Foundation.

In a letter addressed to Nolan on Twitter, Mahurkar wrote on behalf of the foundation:

“It has come to our notice that the movie ‘Oppenheimer’ contains a scene which make a scathing attack on Hinduism. As per social media reports, a scene in the movie shows a woman makes a man read Bhagwad Geeta aloud while getting over him and doing sexual intercourse. She is holding Bhagwad Geeta in one hand, and the other hands seems to be adjusting the position of their reproductive organs. The Bhagwad Geeta is one of the most revered scriptures of Hinduism. Geeta has been the inspiration for countless sanyasis, brahmcharis and legends who live a life of self-control and perform selfless noble deeds. We do not know the motivation and logic behind this unnecessary scene on life of a scientist. But this is a direct assault on religious beliefs of a billion tolerant Hindus, rather it amounts to waging a war on the Hindu community and almost appears to be part of a larger conspiracy by anti-Hindu forces.”

The letter goes on to say that Hollywood “is very sensitive about the fact that Quran and Islam is not depicted in any manner that may offend the value system of a common Muslim, even if you make something based on Islamist terrorism,” and asks, “Why should not the same courtesy be also extended to Hindus?”

The letter urges Nolan to “remove this scene from your film across world” and adds, “Should you choose to ignore this appeal it would be deemed as a deliberate assault on Indian civilisation.”

Meanwhile, the film is a box office success in India, grossing $3.6 million in its first two days of release, comfortably outperforming “Barbie,” which collected $1.2 million.

This is not the first time a quote from the “Bhagavad Gita” has been used in a Hollywood studio picture. An orgy scene in Stanley Kubrick’s last film “Eyes Wide Shut” (1999) featured the lines “For the protection of the virtuous, for the destruction of evil and for the firm establishment of Dharma, I take birth and am incarnated on Earth, from age to age.” Following protests from Hindu groups, Warner Bros. edited out the lines from the soundtrack.'

[agentwriter]

Reading this Kel analysis hurts and this may be just me getting overly emotional at 3am but it made me realize how we need to talk about the probability of Kel being a glass child. See, you'd think by the name that it's a term that would describe someone as fragile, but it's quite the opposite. It refers to a sibling of someone who has special needs (usually someone with a disabiliy or someone incapable of taking care of themselves). The glass metaphor represents how the sibling is "transparent" in how their needs and emotions may be overlooked due to the attention and resources being focused on the sibling with greater challenges.

And while we all known about the favoritism from Kel's parents through hints in the game like Hero being refered as the most perfect, golden and charming mama's boy (and also through this post from the official OMORI GAME twitter account), it's still hard to see discussion about how Hero's depression may have exarcebated this habit Kel has of putting his own feelings and thoughts on the backburner as to keep things moving forward. Additionally, the "glass" metaphor from glass child can also signify that they may feel pressure in attracting less attention to themselves as possible to avoid adding stress to the family in difficult times. And guess who also expresses in game this fear of making things worse by interfering and showing a coping mechanism of staying distant since no one gave him guidance on how to deal with the situation?

Yeah. Some food for thought. Because that's the thing about Kel's grief, he had to deal with all of that alone. Of course, Aubrey may claim he made new friends in the past 4 years, but it's not something shown outfront like her connection to the hooligans, and you take just one look at Cris and Jay, the few examples of Kel's "new friendships" and you can easily see how they aren't nearly as close to having the connection Kel had with his old friends.

In fact, the first thing you LEARN about real world Kel before even opening the door to him is through a dialogue of Sunny's mom on the phone, where she mentions Kel's desperation to get Sunny out of the house and how he seems lonely. Statement that's later reinforced by Kel's father in his dialogue at the park in the evening of the last day in Faraway Town, his only frame of reference on how to deal with Mari's death was to keep on because that's what she would've wanted, right? Despite Kel being considered the "acceptance" stage of grief by many who play game, just taking a deeper look shows he's not completely over what happened, especially considering how the aftermath of Mari's death changed the type of relationship he had with his own brother and completely cut all of Kel's best friends from his life in a single hit. Notice how Hero is not aware of Aubrey's status as a bully, how her appearance has changed and how her relationship with Sunny, Basil and Kel changed. Or how Basil was being bullied and seemed to be isolating himself, and how out of all the real world protagonists, he's the only one in the group that doesn't acknowledge even once how Sunny hadn't left his house for 4 years, and how he only knows that Sunny's moving because his mom told him about it just before he found and rescued the gang at the lake, or even how Kel and Aubrey haven't had a civilized conversation in almost 4 years and Hero's first instinct is to brush it off as "another typical Aubrey and Kel fight" and urge them to make up already? At first you may think it's because he's been away at college and wouldn't be there to see it, so he logically wouldn't be aware of how bad things are. But Kel is so talkative, and these are people that both brothers always cared about, so wouldn't it make sense that Kel told Hero about these things? Even just mentioning how bitter Aubrey had become lately or how he misses Sunny! But there's none of that.

One time I saw this reddit post on r/OMORI that was something along the lines "What type of things do you guys think were said in Hero and Kel's fight?", and one particular commentor stated that they didn't see the need to elaborate on the topic, as all that's important is that what Kel said was the wrong thing to say in that situation and Hero lashed out in response. And I found myself puzzled because while I DO think it's important to consider how Hero's words may have affected Kel's behavior moving forward, that type of thought collaborates with how Kel's struggles are portrayed in the game. Something that's not the focus, that you only know it's there because you were paying attention. Something unimportant. And it saddens me a lot, because in a game all about the death of this one girl and how it impacted the ones left behind, one of the protagonists with most screentime does not show his grief even once. The only known about his dynamic with Mari being the single Headspace interaction where Mari indulges in Kel's playfulness. And that's it, all we get of them are these scraps. It makes me wonder if Kel allowed himself to properly acknowledge his grief, or if he just want through the motions because he thought it was unimportant, that he wasn't deserving of it. Forever stuck in the Helper's Pardox, afterall... To Mari, Basil was a dear friend, someone who's just as empathetic as her that she felt comfortable to borrow his camera and do flower crowns with.

To Mari, Aubrey was her sister in everything but blood, someone she would take care of and planned to even dye her hair with. To Mari, Hero was the love of her life, the one she knew had stolen her heart by pure charm and she could never think of it getting back.

To Mari, Sunny was her dearest little brother, someone she loved so deeply. But what was Kel to Mari besides her little brothers friend, or even, what was Kel to Mari besides being Hero's annoying little brother? But he's fine. He's just silly! That's all trust guys /j

uh oh sisters! I’m back with more Kel Angst… but more like a Kel Character Study.

I’m sure Kel appreciators are already familiar with my analysis of how Kel thinks people value Mari’s theoretical opinions more than his real ones. But since that was at the end of a longer post which was just a “List of Fun Kel Facts :)” I think I didn’t really get to touch on the fact of why this has come to be.

Someone in the tags of that post wrote that Hero does this too, that the two brothers were raised to be people-pleasers and naturally tend to ignore their own feelings. And I absolutely 100% agree with this!!! But consider now: Kel was the little troublemaker, and Hero was the responsible one. To some degree, I think you can also make an argument as to how Hero’s role as the responsible one allowed Kel to be the troublemaker, and vice versa; whether it was by their own will or not, Kel traded positive attention for more freedom, and Hero did the opposite.

Hero is the one to handle responsibility first, and he’s older, too—so it goes that, inherently, Hero has made the better suggestions of the two of them during their childhood, from hangout ideas to problem solving. Kel is the one that makes the silly suggestions, the one that’s a little less realistic, the one that’s still filled with childish fantasies of Captain Spaceboy and renegade stories.

Until he isn’t. Until he’s grown up a little, until he’s slapped in the face by a tragic death, by a despondent, unresponsive brother—by nobody else knowing what to do any better than him.

So he tries—

“Hey Aubrey! Do you want to come to my birthday party? I know we haven’t really talked, this past year, but—”

“Helloooo, Sunny? It’s time for school, and I heard we’re gonna play basketball during gym! You don’t have to play, I can just shoot hoops and you can watch! I’m getting real good at it, I swear—”

“Morning, Basil! Did you need any help doing gardening stuff? I just wanted to see if anyone was free to hang out, but—”

“Hey Hero. Are you… feeling a bit better today? I was just wondering… if you wanted to go get Gino’s with me. Because I’m hungry, and I think it’d be fun if we went together—”

—and he fails.

“—you want to hold a birthday party? Are you- Are you serious?! Tomorrow’s the day she- and you- I- Did she mean nothing to you?!” (He wanted to distract Aubrey from it. But of course she wouldn’t forget.)

“—oh, Kel, good morning! I’m sorry, but I don’t think Sunny can come see you right now… We’re thinking of homeschooling, but… I’m sure he’ll come out to see you one day.” (School was just an excuse to ask for Sunny. Now what is he supposed to do?)

“—ah, um- I’m- I’m okay! I have to… to, um, check on the m-more delicate plants today so, um— m-maybe not today… I-I’m sorry.” (If he were better at not being clumsy, would Basil still have turned him away?)

“—I’m not hungry, Kel… Not today. It’s late anyway.” (He’s never hungry when Kel asks.)

Kel tries to handle things on his own, and it fails. He is confronted with the fact that, on his own, his ideas really are as stupid as Aubrey used to call them, and as silly as Basil and Sunny used to say they were, and as unrealistic as Hero used to tell him.

And Mari…

“—Hi, Mari. Sorry I couldn’t make it last week. But, uh… I was just wondering… if you… if you could maybe… tell me this is all a bad joke…? Because- they all said you- you did it on purpose, but… but I don’t think you would have wanted this, right…?”

(“Well, Kel! You’ve just made a very convincing point. Now I don’t know who to believe!”)

…

The only person who believed in him, the only one who bothered to indulge his ideas even a little bit, is gone.

And yet, just like when they were younger, the one time things work is—

“Mari wouldn’t have wanted to see you like this, Hero…”

—when Mari steps in.

“…what?”

And again.

“I can’t just leave here knowing that this is the person you’ve become. I mean… What would Mari think?”

“Why do you keep bringing her up?”

Granted, the reactions are always a bit rough. But it’s what makes people react, it’s what gets things to change.

So… yeah. Kel’s opinions don’t matter. They’re not supposed to—they’re supposed to make people laugh, or deadpan, or call him stupid so that he can start bantering and bickering, because it’s familiar, because it’s normal. It makes things a bit difficult if he wants to be all serious, but as always, Mari is there for him when his mind comes up blank.

Until she isn’t. Until Sunny says something, and Basil corroborates it. Until every little success he’s been able to achieve with Mari’s help dissipates like the cheap discount foamer in Sally’s bubble baths. Until Kel isn’t sure what Mari would have wanted.

Until Kel is left with only himself. Mari would have wanted—

—he wants—

—everyone to be happy. Everyone to stick together this time. Everyone to help him figure out what the hell he’s feeling right now. Everyone to help him figure out how to stay together when all he wants is to run. Everyone to come back to the room so they can talk, before they split apart again. Again. Not again. Not again.

But how will he do it without Mari?

[genderdisaster]

The Doorway

I sat in the driver's seat, A/C blasting my face while the sun beat through the windshield. Phone perched precariously on the steering wheel, camera pointing back at me, I waited to be connected to my clinician. The loading animation continued to spin, and I wondered what the hell I had gotten myself into. I had, without knowing, picked the hottest day of the year so far to book my telehealth visit, and even with the air conditioning on high, the back of my shirt was already soaked through with sweat. Every step of this process was difficult, and it made me wonder if this was all the universe giving me a sign that I was making a grand mistake. My fan belt squealed with protest as the AC compressor kicked in again.

This strange arrangement was the product of a grand revelation from three weeks prior. Laying in bed in the wee hours of the morning, I had this sudden realization--what if I'm not the man I always resigned myself to be? Why was I so worried about fitting into this mold of masculinity that felt so alien and foreign to me? What if I could be something else? Something different? Why didn't I take the plunge and finally make an appointment for HRT like I had been dreaming of ever since I had learned about informed consent prescribing? I had run out of excuses and, at 3am on a work night, I scheduled a consultation at the local clinic.

I postponed the first date.

I nearly postponed the second date.

But I couldn't keep putting this off forever.

A face suddenly shot into view on the cell phone screen. A medical assistant was there to walk me through the initial steps of the consultation and to gather medical and billing information. She told me her pronouns, asked me for mine, and I was hit with the full weight and realization that "Oh, this is a thing I need to start thinking about." I had gone my entire life fitting neatly into the "he/him" box because it seemed like the logical choice given where I was positioned in my family and in society writ large. By extension, I felt safe in that role because I felt invisible. I enjoyed a considerable amount of privilege because of those pronouns, but they never really felt like me. I sheepishly replied "they/them, please."

And then my phone shut down.

As it turns out, resting your phone on the dashboard of a car in full view of the sun on a 95 degree day is not a great idea. Neither is using that same phone for a teleconference via 5G and charging it at the same time. My poor phone, overwhelmed by the elements and the task at hand, had overheated halfway through the intake and put itself into "safe mode." I could make phone calls, but all other apps were off limits until the temps came down. Unofficially, I told myself that even my phone couldn't take the vulnerability of the situation. The medical assistant called me back, thankfully, and we were able to get through the rest of the intake portion. My phone, for its part, gradually came back from the brink of self-immolation and played nice during the phone call--provided I kept the cool air blowing over the back of it. All cleared and ready to go, I was placed into holding-mode for my appointment with the doctor.

There's something about being on hold on a telemedicine app that makes it so much more fraught than in an actual office. In an office, even if the doctors and the rest of the staff forget about you, there will inevitably be a kindly janitor or cleaning crew to come by and tell you "everyone's gone, bud. Go home." But on a telehealth call? Does the app disconnect? Does the clinician get a reminder? Do I just wait for the inevitable heat death of the universe? All those questions (and more!) swirled around in my head as I waited for the clinician. Five minutes turned into ten, which turned into twenty, eventually closing in on an hour. I worried that, given the issues with our initial connection, I was missing the actual appointment and this screen would just keep refreshing. Maybe, in a more realistic sense, I was worried about this timing because I felt so vulnerable and downright …weird sitting here, waiting to talk to someone about all of this from inside my car in a strip mall parking lot. I made a mental note to come back at some point and try the barbecue spot near the end.

After an eternity, the screen finally changed to indicate that I was being placed into a session with a clinician. As the screen momentarily blinked out, however, I caught my reflection in the blackness of my phone. I saw my face, my full beard, my square jaw and well-coiffed hair. I felt like a fraud. How could I be anything other than a man? Who was I kidding? What would this clinician think of all this? I imagined her looking at me with complete incredulity, asking "Are you sure this is what you really want to do? Maybe you should come back in a few weeks or a month, just to see if you change your mind? Is this all some Weird Sex Thing™?"

"Hello, can you hear me?" she started.

At least, that's what her lips were indicating as they moved. The audio was still utterly silent on my end. On the screen sat a young woman clad in a fuzzy micro-fleece half-zip, the wall behind her emblazoned with slogans about safety, validity, and acceptance. She looked friendly, accepting, safe.

"I cannot hear you." I began, "Can you hear me?"

The woman nodded her head and began fiddling with some wires on her desktop, mildly flustered with the technology issues. After a few failed attempts, (was this another sign?) she began chatting with me via the app--

"I can hear you, is this XXXXX?"

I indicated yes.

"Great, can you verify your birthday for me?"

I told her my date of birth, and she responded that she would call me to finish up the assessment. The little voice again, echoing from the back of my mind--"This is a siiiiign!"

My phone started ringing. I picked it up.

"Hello?" I began.

"Hello! Can you hear me now?" she asked. I could, to my relief, hear the chipper and friendly voice coming from the other end.

Things smoothed out considerably after that point. We went over my medical history (high blood pressure, anxiety, neurodivergence), my feelings about gender (neither feeling masculine or feminine strictly, but leaning more fem in overall feeling), goals for transition (to demasculinize, first and foremost), and we mapped out a game plan moving forward. I would be starting on a normal dose of transdermal Estrogen as monotherapy; my blood pressure medications wouldn't interact well with Spiro, but I could always add that on in the future with the blessing of my regular GP. In terms of social transition, we discussed the issues that I face with coming out as anything other than strictly cis-passing in my day-to-day professional life. Finally, we would follow-up in 90 days to see where my levels were at and how I felt. She sent the script off to my pharmacy, as I actively felt my heart rate returning to normal and my shoulders relaxing for the first time in hours.

I did it. I took the first step through the doorway to a new me. I had been lingering on a threshold for most of my life without even realizing it, and I had taken the first step at last. I finally began to move past the fear and shame, and towards the feelings that simmered under the surface for years.

I felt a new and exciting feeling. Hope.

[lily-janus]

The Thankless Job I Gotta Do

Summary: Janus forces Logan to sleep.

Pairing: platonic Loceit

Warnings: none but let me know if I missed anything

Word count: 563

@loceitweek2022 day 1 - Self care/Mental health

Janus sighed, looking at the sight in front of him.

Logan was typing away at his laptop, eyes red from staring at the screen for so long and brow forrowed from concentration. On the coffee table beside him were way too many empty coffee mugs and a half full one he was currently sipping from.

Janus cleared his throat, hoping to catch the logical side's attention but to no avail, he would even bet Logan didn't realize what time it was.

Letting out another deep sigh, he reluctantly walks over and shuts Logan's laptop closed. Causing him to flinch and blink at the sudden darkness.

"My my, looks like someone lost track of time, why don't you continue this in the morning and get some sleep?" Janus offered, keeping a firm hand on the laptop to prevent Logan from opening it.

Logan scoffs. "Preposterous, my sense of time is flawless, I know exactly what time it is. It is currently 3am in the morning."

Janus raised an eyebrow. "In that case you stayed up late on purpose? Why, I'm disappointed, teach, thought you knew better than that. Weren't you the one to lecture Thomas about his circadian rhythm?"

Logan rubbed his eyes beneath his glasses and took another sip from his mug. "One night shouldn't have any significant effect and this needs to get done before noon tomorrow. I can't afford sleep at the moment but I will make up for it once I'm finished." Logan explained calmly, though exhaustion was clear in his voice. "Now if you'll remove your hand from my laptop and let me resume my work, that will be greatly appreciated."

Janus shook his head. "No can do, Logan. I'm afraid I can't let you do that, I take my self preservation role very seriously."

Logan sighed. "No need for that, I know how to take care of myself."

"Clearly." Janus said dryly and snapped his fingers. The laptop disappeared from the table.

"Janus!" Logan protested. "All my files are there-"

"Calm down I merely moved it for safe-keeping in my room, now go to sleep, you clearly want to." Janus cut him off.

"What I want is for this to be finished, I won't be able to properly relax-"

"Shh-sh-sh Logan, the world will not end if you take some time to rest, I'm sure you'll work better in the morning once you get some sleep." Janus interrupted him again, stroking his shoulders soothingly.

Logan shook his head, fighting off his exhaustion, his eyelids growing heavy. " 'm fine… don't-" he yawned. "Don't need sleep."

Janus tutted, grabbing his hand and sinking them both to Logan's room.

Logan squirmed weakly in Janus' arms as he laid him on his bed. "Told you… don't need rest, need to get this done…" but his eyes fluttered close as soon as his head hit the pillow and as Janus turned off the lights, he was fast asleep.

Janus shook his head as he sank to his own room. How can someone so intelligent manage to act so stupid? 

These idiots would work themselves to death if it weren't for Janus, and yet he gets almost no credit for it.

But he's used to this thankless job, and since, thanks to Remus, he hadn't managed to sleep until now, he think he deserves a me day tomorrow.

After all, self care is important.