#3E-Reflectiveness

[beansprean]

Finishing a s6 rewatch is always an experience

(ID in alt and under cut)

ID: a supernatural doodle dump. 1a. Waist up of season 1 dean leaning up against the wall outside the motel room door, smoking a cigarette. 1b. Sam suddenly opens up the door and leans out, starting to say "So get this-" In a panic, Dean shoves the entire cigarette into his mouth to hide it. 1c. Full body of Dean with his back turned, one hand on the wall while he hunches over gagging and retching. Sam confusedly pats his back at the farthest distance possible. 2. Waist up of Soulless Sam relaxing with one arm perched on the back of his chair and the other holding up a teeny tiny steaming teacup. He is wearing a flannel over a white tee shirt that says "caution: unmasking". He grins condescendingly at the viewer with one eyebrow raised. His speech bubble says "something incredibly bitchy and uncalled for". 3a. Shoulders up of Dean, colored green, and Crowley, colored red. Crowley instructs, grinning, "Give Bobby Singer a kiss for me." Dean is leaning back away from him with an exhausted expression and only grunts in reply. 3b. Shoulders up of Dean and Sam, who is colored orange, mid-hunt with blood splattered over their faces. Dean has his phone held up between them on speaker phone, from which Crowley is saying "Give Bobby a kiss for me." Dean raises an eyebrow at his phone and Sam just stares at it with mild interest. 3c. Shoulders up of Sam walking toward the viewer, Crowley standing in the background. He calls out with a grin, "Give Bobby a kiss for me." Sam glances back with a frown, perturbed. 3d. Shoulders up of Dean and Crowley, Crowley leaning into frame from the side with a grin and saying, "Oh, and give Bobby a-" Dean interrupts, rolling his eyes toward the sky and throwing his hands up, shouting, "Oh my god! Kiss him yourself!" 3e. Small shoulders up of Crowley nervously pressing his index fingers together and staring at them with big shiny eyes. He mutters sadly, "He won't let me..." A little broken heart floats next to his head. 4. Full body of Castiel, colored blue with a water reflection pattern, standing doing nothing and squinting to the side. He is glowing slightly and has a glowing halo and crown shape floating over his head. Text pointing to him says 'guy who did nothing wrong ever in his life.' /end ID

[thydungeongal]

Can you explain what you mean by Lego block multiclassing? Do you prefer some other kind of multiclassing instead, or do you not like it conceptually?

Basically the D&D 3e/5e model of "every time your character levels up you pick another level of any class."

I dislike it for a number of reasons, including the sheer impossibility of balancing it (Lego block multiclassing hinges on the idea that for a level 19 Wizard, both the 20th level of Wizard and the 1st level of Fighter are worth the same, which, just on the face of it, is absurd), but also for thematic reasons. (it ends up diluting the purpose of classes to the point where they no longer mean anything in the fiction. In a game with classes I think it's 100% okay for the game basically enforce, on a mechanical level, characters adhering to a certain archetype.) And ultimately, if you want to build characters more granularly in a way where their advancement better reflects their experiences and ongoing training, there are games that do it better, without levels and classes even!

Ultimately, I have a few models of multiclassing I like: there's 4e's model of multiclassing via feats, which means that your character still keeps growing in power in their initial class but gets to pick a few things from their other class. (Pathfinder 2e has also pretty much adopted this model) There's also the 4e hybrid multiclassing method which I'm not as familiar with, but which hinges on basically picking your character's class features from two different classes. It still requires a bit of system mastery but basically means that your character will still be on par with other characters of their level in terms of power.

But also, I'm fond of AD&D style multiclassing, where you basically just pick all of your character's classes at level 1 (subject to some limitations) and then you just divide all of your XP gained equally between all of those classes. Older editions already have varying rates of character advancement built into them, so the idea that a character will lag "behind" a level or two is unremarkable, but the most important thing is that because XP requirements basically DOUBLE each level your character will always be able to catch up to other characters at some point.

AD&D style multiclassing is still kind of clunky in its own way, but it's still infinitely preferable to me than D&D 3e style multiclassing.

[cardiac-arresting-sweetheart]

Yandere Psychosophy/Attitudinal Psyche

Inspired by yandere MBTI and yandere Big Five. Personality test/self-assessment for this Google document verison of this

Overview

This is a yandere typing system based on the original Psychosophy (also remade as Attitudinal Psyche) system. Originally, it was divided into four aspects: logic, physics, emotions, and volition/will.

These placements are divided into another four placements: 1st, 2nd, 3rd, and 4th. The 1st placement is characterized by absolute, possibly even arrogant, confidence in that aspect and feeling no need to improve or change it. It is very rigid and unchangeable. The 2nd placement, on the other hand, is the most flexible placement. It is characterized by confidence but not arrogance, feeling little weakness in this aspect. To the user of the 2nd function, it is comfortable and easy to use with others and develop further. But the 3rd placement is the opposite. It is the most uncomfortable to use, with a constant feeling of insecurity associated with it. There seem to be two most common approaches to this function: aggressively overusing it or the opposite, neglecting it. This is the placement that needs the most improvement. Finally, the 4th placement is the most underused and is seen by its user as either unimportant or better with a quick fix. These four placements form the foundation of understanding an individual's strengths, weaknesses, and areas for potential growth within this typology system.

In summary...

1st placement: Confident Function (1V, 1L, 1E, 1P) Strong, Aggressive, Monologue

2nd placement: Flexible Function (2V, 2L, 2E, 2P) Strong, Passive, Dialogue

3rd placement: Insecure Function (3V, 3L, 3E, 3P) Weak, Aggressive, Dialogue

4th placement: Unbothered Function (4V, 4L, 4E, 4P) Weak, Passive, Monologue

Yandere System

So what about the yandere system? It follows the same placement rules as the original system but uses its own aspects. The yandere Psychosophy system is divided into four four aspects, respectively: cognition (C), aggression (A), expression (E), and determination (D).

Cognition, equivalent to logic in the original Psychosophy system, reflects how a yandere processes information, plans their actions, and uses their intelligence to manage their obsession.

Aggression, equivalent to physics in the original Psychosophy system, evaluates how a yandere uses power, intimidation, or violence to get what they want or control their darling.

Expression, equivalent to emotion in the original Psychosophy system, focuses on how freely a yandere shows their affection and obsession for their darling.

Finally, determination, equivalent to volition/will in the original Psychosophy system, assess how either determined or fragile a yandere is in achieving their goals with their darling.

Placement Descriptions

Cognition (C)

1st Placement (C1): Exhibits absolute confidence in their ability to strategize and plan. This yandere is highly analytical and methodical, always staying several steps ahead. They see no need for improvement in their cognitive abilities and are often seen as calculating masterminds.

2nd Placement (C2): Confident and comfortable in their cognitive abilities, they can adapt plans fluidly and are skilled at thinking on their feet. They are open to developing their strategic thinking further and are effective planners who work well with others.

3rd Placement (C3): Struggles with insecurity regarding their cognitive skills. They might oscillate between overanalyzing situations to compensate for their perceived shortcomings or neglecting planning altogether. This yandere needs the most improvement in how they process information and strategize.

4th Placement (C4): Minimally engaged in strategic thinking, often relying on intuition or others for planning. They see detailed planning as unimportant and prefer quick fixes or spontaneous actions.

Aggression (A)

1st Placement (A1): Extremely confident in using aggression and violence to achieve their goals. They are unyielding and often intimidate or overpower others without hesitation. Improvement is seen as unnecessary as they view their aggressive approach as highly effective.

2nd Placement (A2): Uses aggression when necessary but with restraint and control. They are comfortable leveraging their power but prefer to balance it with other methods. Open to refining their approach, they effectively combine intimidation with strategic non-violent tactics.

3rd Placement (A3): Feels insecure about their use of aggression. They may either overuse violence in an attempt to assert control or avoid it altogether out of fear or uncertainty. Developing a balanced approach to aggression is crucial for them.

4th Placement (A4): Rarely resorts to violence or intimidation, viewing it as a last resort. They prefer non-aggressive methods and see aggression as unimportant or something to be avoided. They often look for quick, peaceful solutions.

Expression (E)

1st Placement (E1): Highly expressive, openly displaying their emotions and obsession with intense fervor. They are unapologetically passionate, showing no need to alter their expressive nature. Their overt emotional displays are a core part of their identity.

2nd Placement (E2): Comfortable and confident in showing their emotions, they balance expressiveness with control. They can openly share their feelings and are adept at adjusting their emotional displays to suit different situations. They find it easy to develop and fine-tune their emotional expression.

3rd Placement (E3): Struggles with expressing emotions, feeling insecure about their displays of affection or obsession. They may either overexpress in an attempt to compensate or hide their emotions entirely. Improving their emotional expressiveness is a key area for growth.

4th Placement (E4): Minimally expressive, often appearing detached or indifferent. They see emotional displays as unnecessary and prefer to keep their feelings hidden. Quick, minimal expressions are preferred, avoiding deep emotional involvement.

Determination (D)

1st Placement (D1): Exhibits unshakeable determination and willpower. This yandere is relentless and unwavering in their pursuit of goals, seeing no need to alter their approach. They possess a strong sense of purpose and are highly driven.

2nd Placement (D2): Confident and adaptable in their determination, they pursue goals with a balanced approach. They can persist through challenges while remaining flexible. Open to enhancing their resolve, they effectively combine willpower with adaptability.

3rd Placement (D3): Feels insecure about their determination, often fluctuating between intense bursts of willpower and periods of doubt. They may either push themselves excessively or give up easily. Developing a consistent and confident approach to their goals is essential.

4th Placement (D4): Exhibits low determination, often relying on external factors or others to drive their actions. They see strong willpower as unimportant, preferring to go with the flow or avoid direct confrontation. Quick, minimal efforts are favored over sustained determination.

Possible Types

CDEA, CDAE, CEAD, CEDA, CADE, CAED, ACDE, ACED, ADCE, ADEC, AECD, AEDC, EACD, EADC, ECAD, ECDA, EDAC, EDCA, DCEA, DCAE, DEAC, DECA, DACE, DAEC. (First letter is the first placement, second is the second placement, etc.)

Conclusion

That's all! Thank you for reading, and feel free to reblog with the type you think you are or maybe even type a character :D And feel free to send asks or comments if you have any questions.

[amateurvoltaire]

Recently, after quite a few years, I’ve been skimming through the Twelve Who Ruled, and one thing that really jumped out at me is Palmer's massive crush on Saint-Just. Seriously, a lot of the times when Saint-Just shows up in the book, the descriptions turn almost poetic... Take Chapter 3, for instance. Here, Saint-Just is likened to a shooting star, his striking handsomeness and youth are noted several times, and at one point, the word demigod makes an appearance.

It gets even more obvious when Palmer contrasts him with Robespierre. Poor Maximilien—if it weren't for his undeniable kindness and sincerity, he'd surely be losing the battle.

But was Palmer correct?

Did Saint-Just really patronise Robespierre?

Various accounts suggest as much. Levasseur, in his memoirs, observes, "Robespierre has always been perceived as the head of the revolutionary government. Having been a close witness to those times, I might venture to assert that Saint-Just wielded more influence than Robespierre himself." He further notes, "Closely allied with Robespierre, he had become indispensable to him, and perhaps he had become more feared than he would have preferred to be loved. Their opinions were invariably unified, and if the personal beliefs of one were to be subordinated to those of the other, certainly, it was not Saint-Just who conceded."

Sainte-Beuve(1) shares a telling anecdote: during a heated committee meeting, Saint-Just ordered Robespierre, "Calm yourself; the empire favours the phlegmatic." (« Calme-toi donc, l’empire est au flegmatique. »)

Moreover, another Convention member, Baudot, reflects in his memoirs that Saint-Just possessed "a mind far stronger and more commanding than Robespierre's." (« une tête bien autrement forte et plus puissante que Robespierre»)

So... while 'patronizing' might be a strong term, it does seem that Saint-Just's personality was more domineering. In my view, he was undoubtedly more pragmatic than the Incorruptible, owing largely to his military experience and missions in the field. Saint-Just was a man of action while Robespierre was more a man of the tribune. Coupled with the uncompromising nature typical of youth (who wasn't a radical at 26?), this would likely have rendered him more authoritarian and rigid in the eyes of his contemporaries.

Note:

Sainte-Beuve isn’t a particularly reliable source, but the anecdote seemed interesting.

Sources:

R.R Palmer, Twelve Who Ruled

Sainte-Beuve; Sainte-Beuve, Charles-Augustin. (1865) Causeries du lundi. Tome V (3e éd.) « Études sur Saint-Just, par M. Édouard Fleury.

M.A. Baudot, Notes historiques

R. Levasseur, Mémoires

[magical-grrrl-mavis]

Games you can play instead of D&D

Pathfinder/Pathfinder 2e: Same concept as D&D but by a better company. You are an adventurer in a high fantasy setting. Character creation combines a race and class.

Mutants and Masterminds 3e: Action-focused superhero RPG, uses starting points to buy equipment and skills and build powers by combining effects. Character creation can take a bit to get used to but there are many sourcebooks with helpful examples to use, there are countless pre-built characters online, and a slew of official books containing just about every DC Comics character you can think of to play and interact with.

Vampire: the Masquerade: You are a vampire in the shadowy gothic underbelly of modern society, struggling against any number of threats, kindred or otherwise, while trying to keep the existence of vampires a secret and struggle against your own bestial nature. Will you retain your humanity? Or give in to the beast. High focus on roleplay and social intrigue.

Monster of the Week: A rules-light game based on the Powered By the Apocalypse system that recreates the experience of shows like Buffy, Supernatural, X-Files and Warehouse 13. You play as a Hunter investigationg supernatural mysteries and fighting monsters. Player characters are based on archetypes from this genre (Professional, Monstrous, Spell-Slinger etc) (this one's my favorite! :D)

Masks: A New Generation: Play as a young superhero finding their place in the world. The game creates a coming-of-age story as you grow and change in response to your actions and the people and events around you. Character creation reflects this by focusing on your characters personality, struggles and strengths while being more loose about your actual powers.

Girl by Moonlight: Magical Girls (boys, enbies etc) through a queer lense. You play a magical guardian grappling with destiny, love and the heartbreaking duality between who you are and who the world says you are. Split between four genres you can choose from-classic magical girls, dark magical girls, psychological conspiracy and... mecha. I guess. (I'm gonna be honest I haven't looked super deep into those last two yet). Characters are based on archetypes from magical girl stories, some with very obvious inspirations.

Scum and Villainy: Play as a roguish outlaw in a galactic society run by an oppressive force. You are the Han Solo of this story, smuggling and doing crimes and mercenary work aboard your own starship.

Killer Ratings: You and the other players are the insufferable cast of a cheap ghost-hunting show and have found yourselves in over your heads as you've wandered into an actual haunted location. Play as you explore the site and are most likely taken out one-by-one, returning as vengeful spirits to further terrorize your former cast-mates.

[raven-at-the-writing-desk]

I need to preface that I'm from a place in the world where classes aren't divided like this so I apologize if I'm asking a dumb question, but what does it mean on the NRC PE uniforms when it says "LETTERNUMBER"? Jade and Riddle have 2D, Lilia and Trey have 3E, and obviously there are a bunch more. Is that how they're divided in PE when they do activities or something or how they take attendance? One of my friends told me that these classifications go beyond PE, but I have no idea.

The tags on each boy’s PE uniform indicates their year, class, and seat (in that order!). This is true for ALL of the characters.

Let’s go through a quick example using Jade and Riddle:

Jade’s number is NRC 2-E 13, and Riddle’s is NRC 2-E 26 (NOT “2D” as the Anon mistakenly said). The “2” indicates that they are both second year students, and “E” is their homeroom. (The other second years have different letters because they do not share a homeroom with Jade and Riddle.)

13 and 26 are where they sit in class 3-E. This is because in a traditional Japanese classroom, seats are numbered 1 through the total number of students alphabetically by last name. Leech comes before Rosehearts, so it makes sense that Jade has a much lower number than Riddle does.

All of this information is also reflected in their official profiles:

[unknownhomosapien]

finally got time to draw my ocs 🫣

short bio under cut

Eyheilig Sedalu

Got on the thief path very early, in an attempt to protect younger brother from difficult realities. It cost him their relationship as family, although he considered himself deceived and betrayed in the first place, which is why they stopped speak with each other until the Oblivion crisis. After the events, he changed his view on many things, and now holds a large load of guilt, regret, and deep hatred for most Aedra and Daedra, with the exception of I'ffre and Mephala.

Complex nature. Basically, Eyh prefer to live by his own rules that lead him straight into troubles, but has the ability to learn from mistakes and give preference to thinking, telling the truth and lying when needed, although he still an extremely careless and heavily stubborn person. But Elfmer was not afraid to be responsible for the actions he can commit in extreme cases. Somehow for long life malice and the ability to have fun was still with him, but it was the only thing that kept him from wanting to surrender to society.

Supports Green Pact, BUT is not a member of the Aldmeri Dominion. In addition to the Bosmer traditions, he also considers the worship of the saints of Morrowind as his own, as well as to the Tribunal. He continued to worship them as saints in 4E.

Fluent Danmeri, Bosmeri. Knows Nordic quite well.

Eystomand Sedalu

Patriotically served the Tribunal, nearly died from Mannimarco ritual and was in army against Mehrunes Dagon. He literally devoted his life to fighting the House of Troubles and Dagoth Ur, and did it well, but that didn't stop others from treating him like a dirty half-blood anyway.

Avoiding his double nature (which was reflected both in hermaphrodism, mental issues and mixed blood), he was distinguished by extreme conservatism and impatience, which was reflected in his poems as an Buyoant Armiger, in the form of unsentimental, but patriotic lines. That can be a reason why he in a fragile relationship with older brother.

For unknown reason he lost his memory and ends up in the prison of the Imperial City. According to rumors, he died during the Oblivion crisis, but other sources for some reason refer to the Daedric prince Sheogorath. At the time of 3E 433 he was 814 years old. Ironically, he repeated all he did before memory incident, but as new person called Tolin.

Fluent Dunmeri, learned Bosmeri on a bet, but speaks poorly. Also has some knowlege in Chimeris and Daedric.

[alpaca-clouds]

I hate the design of the gods (and especially the goddesses) in DnD. Let me tell you why.

Okay, let me ramble a bit about DnD. And especially about this one thing that I really loathe about the visual design of the game: The designs of the gods, and especially the goddesses.

Now, let me say, that a part of the issue is, that many of the gods still use their designs from early on. So from 1e, 2e or 3e. Some got new artworks, yes, but they still have the same design as those early gods. Which is very much the root cause for the issue I have, but it does not change that this issue exists.

The issue?

I fucking hate that most of the Faerûnian gods are:

human

white

thin

abled

Yes, there are a few gods, who break out of this. Ilmater is disabled (but also, the fact that he is kinda the god of self-sacrificial suffering... does seem really ableistic), and of course there are the pantheons of the different other species. Though it should be noted that they are generally not part of the Faerûnian pantheon.

And... like, the gods really do not have any variety among them, and this is especially true for the goddesses. Which is obviously the typical character design problem.

(No idea, who drew that one, but it kinda is very fitting - especially for the DnD Gods.)

The male gods look actually quite different at least in terms of body build and stuff.

Like, if you look at the gods... I mean, looking through the different gods I have not found a single one, that was really overweight, but at least there is some body diversity - even if there is not going on a lot else in terms of diversity.

But the goddesses? Yeah, no they all look the same.

You could argue that the current design for Shar looks a bit East Asian, but other than that? I mean, they are all super pale and shit.

Now, I already hear people say: "But Faerûn is BASED ON EUROPE! And it is majority human!"

There are only two issues.

Given that since 3e the world outside of Faerûn was not really developed further, WotC decided to turn Faerûn into this super diverse place - but this is not reflected in the gods.

Some of the gods are just mortal who through ascension became gods, while the forms of other gods were formed through their avatars - which then should reflect the diversity of Faerûn, too, and it doesn't.

I mean, while I started reading into the lore of the game, I came across this one artwork of Mystra, which still has her as white - but very much as a fat woman. Which actually is such a nice look for her.

Meanwhile I have decided that in my stories I will depict Tymora not as a white, blonde human woman, but rather have her use an avatar of a Black, halfling woman. And Loviatar in my stuff has a more Arabian, brown skin tone and thick black hair. Because why... would I want all of them be white, normal folks?

It is in general an issue I have, and where especially the (yes, very underfounded) novelization part of WotC is doing shitty work. Because most of the canonical characters that get to play a big role in novels and comics are still white, abled, thin. And man, it sucks.

It is boring. It is bad design.

And yes, Baldur's Gate 3, I am also looking at you. You know I love you, you stupid game. But really, a bit of melanin would have done wonders for you.

[nientedenada]

Is it fair to say Tiber Septim nuked Alinor? - The nature of Numidium as a weapon

Reposted from r/teslore. Yes. It's completely fair.

Lately, I’ve read and participated in a bunch of arguments over

whether it’s right to compare Numidium to a nuclear weapon,

whether it caused nuclear-weapon level destruction in Tiber Septim’s conquering of Summerset.

I’ve seen the argument that if you go by official Bethesda sources only, there is nothing to support 1 & 2. It’s alleged that only Michael Kirkbride’s unofficial writings support this. Specifically, this post:

Numidium's siege of Alinor: It's not the Brass God that wrecks everything so much as it is all the plane(t)s and timelines that orbit it, singing world-refusals. The Surrender of Alinor happened in one hour, but Numidium's siege lasted from the Mythic Era until long into the Fifth. Some Mirror Logicians of the Altmer fight it still in chrysalis shells that phase in and out of Tamrielic Prime, and their brethren know nothing of their purpose unless they stare too long and break their own possipoints.

That’s a reflection on how the Numidium worked in Alinor by one of the devs who wrote parts of this story about Tiber Septim and Numidium. I think it influences Bethesda official lore (as we’ll see when we get to ESO) and will continue to do so. However, we’re going to put unofficial lore aside for this post, and take a look at what the official lore says about Numidium and whether it supports the nuclear weapon comparison.

Numidium of course doesn't work like a nuclear bomb. That's not what anyone means when they're comparing it to a nuclear bomb. They're comparing it to a similarly feared horrible weapon of mass destruction. For us, the nuclear bomb represents the worst weapon imaginable, for Third Era Tamriel, it’s much the same way.

There are not many sources on Tiber Septim’s invasion of Summerset. The Pocket Guide to the Empire, First Edition, which is one of the main Tiber-era sources, is written before the Armistice with Morrowind and the invasion of Summerset. The anti-Imperialism game Redguard is also pre-Numidium, with Tiber Septim’s deputies searching Dwemer ruins for weapons. We never hear the story of the invasion from a Summerset source. We’re stuck with some very vague references. We know Tiber Septim used Numidium to conquer Summerset, but what happened there?

The Pocket Guide to the Empire, Third Edition says,

Thus, the Dominion thrived until the coming of Tiber Septim. The conquest and assimilation of Summerset into the Empire is remembered by many a living Altmer with horror only partially diminished by time. Certainly, the pride of the people has never recovered.

People argue over whether the “horror only partially diminished by time” refers to the horrific nature of the Conquest or to Altmer horror at humans conquering them. I believe that, from what we know of Numidium, it’s both, but the source here doesn’t say outright.

During the War of the Isle in 3E 110, the Maormer of Pyandonea were very nearly successful in conquering their ancient enemy, and the Altmer had to call upon the aid of the Psijics and the Empire to help defend themselves.

The Dominion’s ability to defend itself was still not restored 110 years after Numidium.

So, given how scant our sources are on the use of Numidium in Summerset, we have to look at the general cultural memory and opinion of Numidium in Tamriel, and at the one time we get a detailed canon look at its use: the Warp in the West.

Sotha Sil, quoted in the Truth in Sequence, calls it “the walking horror.”

But most profane is this: the walking horror that bears the Name, NM. The Brass Tower of Vanity. The mindless guardian of the Nirn-Prior. The Antipodal-God-Thing that reigns on the darkest pole of the sacred Nirn-Sphere. Of all the threats to Tamriel Final, NM is the greatest. Anuvanna'si. The Daedra can be banished in thought, but NM must be sundered on Nirn. It is the welded knot at the center of Anu that must be untied. The God-Puzzle. The Mainspring Ever-Wound remains silent on this point. And where there is silence, there is great wisdom.

In Where You When the Dragon Broke? the tender to the Mane speaks

You did it again with Big Walker, not once, but twice! Once at Rimmen, which we'll never learn to live with.

What happened at Rimmen with Big Walker that the Khajiit can never learn to live with? Well, there's an official Bethesda Q&A promoting Morrowind from 1999 that makes the nuclear comparison clear

Jodenjone! Don' let Marshee lie to you about Big Walker. The Blades took It from here, sure, but they din' take It back to Cyrodiil and rebuild the thing. Talos, he "annexed" a swath of our bounty-land in Ana'quinal and cleared the Khajiiti out by force. There's where he built the Hall of Colossus—a mighty name for a secret testing warehouse—and that's where Big Walker was born. And that's why that part of our Elsweyr is still poisoned glow-rock, where no cats go. Ach, for the lunacy of you Wayward Folk!

"Poisoned glow-rock". It’s not just the fans comparing Numidium to a nuclear weapon It's clear that was the devs' intention here.

The horror of the Numidium is also the foundation of the main quest of Daggerfall. Throughout the Agent’s quest, s/he receives letters from various random people and factions in game detailing the Numidium’s reputation.

The first letter the Agent gets reads

You have probably not heard the fairy tale of Numidium, but you need to. The legend dates back to the earliest parts of the third era [sic]. Numidium was supposed to be a giant so big his hands could knock the moons from the sky. I do not recall from the stories whether Numidium was supposed to be good or bad, but the legends used to scare me as a child.

Followed by another letter:

Numidium was Tiber Septim's secret weapon in his bid for supreme power: a thousand foot tall automaton, a golem or an atronach of sorts powered by a gem called the Mantella. The Mantella was infused with the life orce [sic] of Tiber Septim's Imperial Battlemage, and with it, Septim crushed all who stood in his way. After the complete and total defeat of all his opponents, Septim began using Numidium to crush the neutral royal families of Tamriel so that he could enthrone only persons he knew to be loyal. His Imperial Battlemage was furious at this use of his creation, and fought to reclaim the Mantella.

The letter writers aren’t certain how it worked or what it did exactly - which matches Tiber Septim’s secrecy, Numidium’s immediate destruction after its first big use, and the nature of a time-breaking machine that messes with people’s recollections of how things happened. But they are sure that Numidium was a horror, a weapon of mass destruction unlike anything else.

The people of the Iliac Bay would soon get a front row seat to that horror.

The Warp in the West is the only time in canon that we get extensive details on the aftermath of Numidium’s use. As could be expected from the general fear of the Numidium in the above sources, the picture isn’t pretty. We don’t know exactly how Numidium would have functioned in Summerset, but we do know that Numidium works by breaking time. The clash of many different narratives and timelines in the Iliac Bay brought about massive losses of life and property, and huge environmental damage.

The shorter account of the Warp in the West is in the Pocket Guide to the Empire, Third Edition. Bolding of phrases attesting to the destructive force of the events mine.

In the year 417, however, the province redefined itself in a most mysterious way. They call the event the Miracle of Peace. On the 10th of Frostfall, a strange force exploded over the Iliac Bay, displacing armies and decimating whole territories. Though its nature is still unknown, most Bretons believe it was the ancient Gods who had once made High Rock their home scouring the land, making it whole once again. Though it was a painful process for most - the Miracle is sometimes spoken of as the Warp in the West - the result of it is a province that is more unified than it has ever been in modern history. Where once there were a hundred small squabbling kingdoms, today, just two decades after the Miracle, there are five.

Even the ever-optimistic PGE3 admits it was a catastrophe for those who lived through it, but claims the resulting hegemonies and peace were worth it.

The Book, The Warp in the West, which is a private Blades’ report on the event is less circumspect about the details.

Speaking of the official “Miracle of Peace”:

The catastrophic destruction of landscape and property and the large loss of life attending upon this miracle is understood to have been 'tragic, and beyond mortal comprehension.'

And

The other remarkable features of these events -- mass disappearances, armies mysteriously transported hundreds of miles or completely annihilated, titanic storms and celestial phenomena, apparent local discontinuities of time -- fit comfortably into the notion that these events are part of a vast, mysterious divine intervention.

Mass disappearances of people, armies annihilated, titanic storms: all these are part of the catastrophe caused by Numidium. The Blades agents on the scene had more details. I’m quoting the bits that specifically attest to the destruction and harm caused by Numidium.

The Blades have on file few reports from agents dating from the "Warp in the West" period. Most of our agents were lost in the initial dislocations, and others were lost in the confusion after the event.

Most Blades agents in the area died or vanished in the Warp. Others fell to the after-effects.

The Report of Hammerfell Agent 'Briarbird' 'I was on assignment in the Alik'r Desert, a few miles south of Bergama on the 9th of Frostfall. I was encamped, as it was still early morning, when I felt the ground shake so violently, I was thrown to the ground. Dazed, I was aware of a great roar of a sandstorm, which alarmed me, as I had been on a high dune and had seen nothing like that on the horizon. It was on me before I was even on my knees, burying me and my camp.

The first detail on the “titanic storms”. Here, the ground shakes violently and sandstorm buries people in its way.

Briarbird continues:

When I crawled my way out of the sand, I realized that I must make haste and get to Bergama as soon as possible, as all my food and water had been swept away. The sun was just rising as I began, like I said. When I reached Bergama, it was nightfall. The town was in chaos, filled with the soldiers of Sentinel. The Lord of Bergama's fortress was in ruins.

Bergama got off better than other places, as we’ll see. The fortress is said to be in ruins the Sentinel armies have defeated its own troops (who can’t recall how or when it happened), but the town is still there.

Much unluckier is the next account:

The Report of High Rock Agent 'Graylady' ’I was, at the time of the Warp, undercover as a witch in the Skeffington Coven of Phyrgias [sic], in central High Rock. In order to give my report, I had volunteered for an expedition to gather supplies, which would allow me the freedom to reach my contact in Camlorn. I was traveling north-east along the foothills of the Wrothgarian Mountains, on the 9th of Frostfall, when I felt a great heat behind me, like a fire. I turned, but I regret to say I cannot tell you what I saw. The healers tell me my eyes were burned out of my sockets.

This bit btw, about the wave of heat, seems to be consciously modeled off accounts of Hiroshima and Nagasaki survivors.

I think I must have fallen into a state of semi-consciousness, for I distinctly remember falling as the ground seemed to give way beneath me. Then there was a series of explosions in the distance, to the south, and I heard high whistling noises that were getting louder, coming closer. I had my shield with me, and fortunately anticipated that volleys of some sort were falling from the sky. Though I could not see them, I could hear them coming from a distance away, and was able to use my shield to block them from striking me. The assault stopped suddenly, and I could smell smoke. I learned later that most of the forest of Ykalon and Phygias [sic] had caught fire, in an inferno that started further south in Daenia and the Ilessan Hills. Fortunately, I kept my bearings, and moved north, finally reaching a temple in the wilderness where my wounds were healed, as well as they could be.

People here experienced the Warp in the West as a fiery inferno and volleys coming from the sky. Even after the Warp itself ended, the forest fires that it began kept burning.

It was there I learned that there had been a three-way clash between Daggerfall, Wayrest, and Orsinium not far from where I had been, and that the land midway between their kingdoms had been decimated.'

‘Graylady’ doesn’t say that the land decimated was all wilderness or countryside, just that it’s the land midway between the kingdoms. In the heavily populated Iliac Bay, it would have included towns and villages and farms.

Lord Strale encountered a tsunami-like wave on the River Bjoulsae.

'We had just passed the delightful riverside village of Candlemass when the captain sounded the alarum. There, in front of us, was a colossal wall of water, at least thirty feet high. It smashed our barge to splinters before any of us had a chance to react. I woke up on the shore, having been rescued by one of my servants who had miraculously not lost consciousness. He and I and one other man were the only survivors.

Strale finds every town along the Bjoulsae on fire in the aftermath, with soldiers fighting along it.

there were seven great battles in the Iliac Bay, and no one could describe them at all, only their bloodsoaked aftermath

And

to summarize: on the 9th of Frostfall, there had been forty-four independent kingdoms, counties, baronies, and dukedoms surrounding the Iliac Bay, if one includes the unconquered territories of the Wrothgarian Mountains, the Dragontail Mountains, the High Rock Sea Coast, the Isle of Balfiera, and the Alik'r Desert. On the 11th of Frostfall, there were but four - Daggerfall, Sentinel, Wayrest, and Orsinium - and all the points where they met lay in ruins, as the armies continued to do battle.

And

The battles continue on, now months later, as I return to the Imperial City to make my report. What more do I have to say? They are bloody, violent clashes, as is always the case with modern warfare, but I have been to the blackened, desolate no-man's land between the four remaining kingdoms. No mortal army caused that devastation. I can say that the force that shook the Iliac Bay on the 10th of Frostfall 3E 417 was infinitesimally [sic] greater than the power these mighty kingdoms are wielding today.

Is the Numidium a nuke? No. Is it a catastrophic weapon of mass destruction, one of the worst weapons the people of Tamriel can imagine? Yes. Did it cause mass destruction in Alinor as well? Almost certainly yes. That’s how it works. It meddles with time, but not bloodlessly: Numidum retcons reality, but in the process it also burns, maims, drowns, and kills people, and destroys regions, as seen in the Warp in the West. It’s the perfect weapon to bring down an island nation that can otherwise defend itself against outside invasion.

That is why we compare it to a nuclear weapon. It's a comparison that I believe the developers intended as well, for what it's worth. And if I'm a bit over-passionate about the point, here's why. The developers went out of their way to show the horror of modern war and weapons of mass destruction. It's a bit of reality they injected into this fantasy world. I think it's worth taking in, rather than arguing that actually, Numidium isn't that bad, and it's an exaggeration to compare it to a nuke.

Even if you don't think you'd personally compare Numidium to a nuclear weapon, it should be clear that it's a quite rational comparison other people can make based on the evidence.

This post sparked some interesting and passionate discussions as well as some very angry politically-charged ones that are now thankfully deleted! You can read the full discussion here, since I don't want to copy large bits of other people's responses on to my tumblr. But I'll append some stuff I wrote in the comments.

We see something very specific with the atomic bombs, and with the TES reports of Numidium's wreckage, which I think are actuallly modeled in part on eyewitness accounts from HIroshima and Nagasaki.

Both are a horror that's incomprehensible. A single moment in which the entire world around the witness goes from normal to apocalypse without any seeming explanation or warning. The laws of reality themselves seem to bend and the earth tears itself to pieces. Nuclear war really was a historical departure from previous experiences in this regard.

If you compare historical atrocities by which was worse, the bombings in Hiroshima and Nagasaki didn't claim many lives compared to other horrifying deaths in WWII. They still haven't been followed up. All the many atrocities of the 20th and now 21st centuries haven't involved the use of nuclear weapons on populations.

But the threat of Nuclear war still stands out as something categorically different and horrible, the potential for the complete destruction of humanity in such a short time. The Numidium was probably only used once or twice in history, but it has the same terrifying potential, and is even more inexplicable to the residents of Tamriel than the nuclear bomb is to us today.

Roak67 made some interesting comments about whether we can trust certain sources, given Bethesda has retconned a lot. I replied:

You have to take any lore with a grain of salt, since it's bound to be contradicted at some point, but you're right that older sources like the Skeleton Man interview are most likely to be contradicted. However, I'd say it's important for a few reasons.

It's official lore, copyright Bethesda, and contradicts the idea that the Nuclear comparison is unofficial lore from Michael Kirkbride's pronouncements post-full-time-employment with Bethesda. Nope, the nuclear comparison was there during Morrowind development as shown by the "glow rocks".

The origin of the Halls of the Colossus has been retconned twice, first by Skeleton Man, then by ESO. However, unless there's something in the future that retcons the information Numidium was rebuilt, tested, and activated there, that lore should still stand. It's a big place with a spot for the Numidium, no matter who first built it. "Where were you when the Dragon broke?" refers back to what happened there, and continues to be in the games.

I think it was turned on in Rimmen and then went to Alinor in one incident. Breaking time is, as far as I can see, a function of the Numidium, how it works. It's possible it can work in other ways, as you've proposed, but it wouldn't be my favoured interpretation.

If Tiber Septim had better control over it - which is likely enough - I'd suggest he was still breaking time, because its advantage is getting to a place and defeating defences while the opposition is unaware, but could better direct it to hit his targets in Alinor.

About Summerset's lowered defence capabilities after Numidium.

I'm not making that assumption. That's simply the only baseline we have for the condition of the Isles post-Numidium. It's 110 years later.

However, we do know that prior to Numidium, Summerset always was able to push back invaders. According to the PGE3 at least they weren't able to after Numidium.

Did Tiber Septim use Numidium anywhere else than in Elsweyr (turning it on) and Summerset?

The legends surrounding Numidium posit that he was in the process of turning it on neutral parties, at and some point the Underking stopped him. According to the Arcturian Heresy, he didn't actually get that far. The Arcturian Heresy is clear that he only used it on Summerset Isle and the Underking destroyed it right after.

Daggerfall lore has him using it to conquer all of Tamriel, but no one after speaks of it, so I would guess that's been retconned? It's certainly been removed from later versions of the in-game book, the Real Barenziah. The Daggerfall version had the Numidium conquer Morrowind, that is gone from later games, and the new Numidium origin story is that the Tribunal gave Tiber Septim the Numidium in return for peace. All of the above leads to the lore post I've never written, but need to some day, which basically would be. "Yeah, Tiber Septim is a bad guy and he was MEANT to be a bad guy. Each TES game is learning more about stuff he did and there's rarely anything good." But it's a delicate subject, particularly since some devs. started going on like he was the best thing since sliced bread because he found CHIM. (Press X to doubt). Anyway, that's another story for another time, but the bottom line is the gods in TES are not necessarily good, they're just powerful. See every other Daedra who might help you out sometimes but has also been involved in some plot against humanity. And the Aedra aren't always nice either. Talos fits into the crowd as one of the better documented and more recent stinkers.

[chronotsr]

No. 6 - D3, Vault of the Drow (August 1978)

Author(s): Gary Gygax Artist(s): David C. Sutherland III (Cover), David A. Trampier Level range: Average of 10, preferably party size 7+ players Theme: Underground exploration Major re-releases: GDQ1-7 Queen of the Spiders; Dragon #298 and #300 (kind of), Drow of the Underdark (even less so)

Fuck I love old module covers. Again the later revision (the blue one) changes the art to be less gloriously trash, which is a shame. The cartoony sketch era is not long for this world, C1 (Tamoachan) represents a pretty noticeable change in art style towards the kind of THIN YOUR PAINTS looking characters in color. We have another year of modules before they make the art less silly.

In re-release news, again we get a very lightly altered treatment in GDQ Queen of the Spiders. Less well known though is a section in Dragon #298 (immediately after Paizo took over) on the Vault of the Drow, although it is…almost entirely setting material, which makes it actually somewhat faithful to D3. What makes it unfaithful to D3 is that it takes place after the events of 1e/2e DND and doesn't contain any of the pre-Vault materials of D3 or the Egg of Lolth section.

Drow of the Underdark is a similar situation, but curiously uses totally distinct materials (like yet another map of the city), but contains even less information about the non-city parts of the Vault. Still, it's interesting seeing 3e-style treatments of D3, and if nothing else it gives you some damn visuals of what Erelhei-Cinlu actually looks like.

The module starts with a recap, and also a brief note as to how to get to the titular Vault of the Drow. Apparently you are now avowed nemeses to Drow, despite plenty of routes to the contrary. We'll also find out later that we're actually enemies to only one bloc of Erehlei-Cinlu Drow. We get the same list of warnings as the previous 2 modules, which themselves contained a lot of warnings from the G series, so this is our 6th time reading some of these bulletpoints. Strangely, apparently "because of the chaotic nature of the dark elves", active raiding parts of the town won't rouse organized resistance to the party, Light spells don't work right here (they go dark and brownish), and Drow resent even the slightest natural-ish light. The upshot is that you can get away with a lot of bullshit.

Our random encounter tables have been updated to reflect being past the main Depths foes of kuo-toa and the like, it's mostly Drows and monsters from this point on. Well, and undead. And bugbears. And trogs. And trolls. And slaves, of course. So mostly just that Kuo-Toa are gone? Svirfneblin are listed with the random encounters despite not actually being on the random encounter list? Anyway.

We have a few canned encounters.

The first one is, suspiciously similar to the Drow checkpoint in D1. It's basically the same. I'm not going to cover it again, it's just the D1 checkpoint but with the weird Battle of the Sexes angle removed.

The second one is a bizarre encounter -- a succubus is pretending to be a statue, a Drow vampire is glamored to look like a songbird, and the whole cavern is glamored to look like a beautiful grove. The vampire is, obviously, named Belugos, because fuck it why not name the vampire Bela Lugosi? They're gonna do their level best to make the players turn around without fighting, but the odds of the whole party failing the charm person AND not finding this suspicious is 0%. Their mesmerized gnome servant completes the Dracula reference.

It's passingly mentioned in their treasure notes that, Bela Lugosi lead-lined a box to hide magic items from magic detection. So that's our newest data point in the "we have to have rational explanations for magic" series.

I guess she always goes nude. She's also nude on the revised edition back cover, which I'm sure got someone in trouble with their parents in 1985. This is one of your two possible routes into the Vault, by the way.

The other way is through a giant spider trap. The only thing of note is the idol of Lolth you can find that gives you a variety of neat powers (but slowly turns you into a giant spider).

In the vault proper, we have some fun special qualities. Everything is simply a different color here, for starters -- modified by your vision type. The ceiling is literally a kind of radioactive parody of the heavens, complete with "stars" and "moons" being played by particular types of rocks and lichens. Everything's got a vague red hue, except the roads which are enchanted to be lightly blue to drowish eyes -- that's what those magical glasses from a few modules ago do, they help you see drow-enchanted markers.

The place is lit with growing shrooms, for all the light that'll give you. A lot of the random encounters give us little glimpses into drowish life, from the lumberjacks clearing fungi for food, leather, et c., to drow nobles on a hunting party, to merchants feuding, to kuo-toan spies lurking in the river.. A good amount of love went into these tables, which I really wish was the norm. "There are bugbears, they have these items and this leader" is a pretty lame encounter good only for punishing slow moving. That being said, this adventure loosely implies Bugbears are Polish? What?

D3 is actually super sparse on artwork, and this is the best one we're going to get all module. This is the Black Tower, which overwatches a chokepoint to everywhere in and out of the Vault. If you have a drowish medallion, you can just saunter on in, enjoy your Evil Elf TSA checkpoint experience, then go about your business in the Vault. The medallions are coded by noble/merchant house, which means that your party just automatically became affiliated in a highly partisan city! Woe betide you, sucker that approached the tower openly hostile, cus they're guarding it with the GDQ series' perennial favorite: hand ballistae, and if you linger around the tower when the alarm goes off Gary straight up tells you to declare Rocks Fall, Everyone Dies because 300 drow troopss show up. Very cool, Gary!

So this is when D3 gets Complicated.

The best part of the Drow are is how much they plot. The worst part of the Drow is how much work that plotting is to run. 24 different families are all circling around each other, looking for weaknesses, allying and warring with one another. I think you would literally need multiple relationship maps to keep them all straight. The above list is actually only about two-thirds of the total relationships between houses, the rest come later with the noble house keys.

So, this tiny picture is the only visual we get of Erelhei-Cinlu. Well, that sucks. OK, well, let's presume you don't go in through the front gate, because that's obviously suicide, what then?

I'm sorry, what? The doors automatically sense your race and summon a demon with no ability to disarm? Fuck off, Gary. You have to go through the Black Tower. You have to get a medallion. You have to go through the Front Gate. You have to fight Lolth instead of the Elder Elemental God. Fine, I go through the front door.

E-C's description is exhausting to read because it's one of those times Gary just vents his orientalist, misogynist biases. Women are in charge? The men aren't buff?? There's sex workers??? Get me my fainting couch!

A lot of ink is spilled on the treatment of slaves, half-drow, non-drow, et c. Tragically the actual appearance of the city is not commented on very much beyond "it's very mazey" and "it's dark". E-C is perpetually 5 seconds from collapse at all times, but also hilariously stable. RIP to anyone dumb enough to rebel here.

Understandable.

E-C's section is a fairly rote "city that sucks" so let's move on.

Ah, the Noble Houses section. There is no way to put this gently, so let's rip the bandaid off. This is so much information that it's overwhelming (8 noble house houses with equipped npcs, special magic items, motivations, room counts, et c.) but also so little information about each individual house that you're going to have to heavily homebrew huge chunks of content.

For example, the first listed House is Tormtor. We know they're:

Rank 7 in the Nobility Hierarchy

They've bought off the head of the Male Fighters' Society.

Allied with Eliservs House, the unnamed Prism and Chain Clans, & indirectly to the unnamed Coiled Whip, Bars, Star, and Bone clans

They on the up and therefore unpopular with the other nobles

Have 6 unnamed nobles ruling the house

Have 6 named and 7 unnamed magic items.

But…what is special about this house? Why are they so ahead? What does their palace look like? Why would you go to it? How could you possibly interact with the alliance and enemy system, as a non-drow?

These descriptions are just not useful, and by the time you have written out enough information on all 24 families you have made the actual module into a footnote. Those later write-ups of E-C can't save you either, because the timeline advanced.

By reading the whole thing and taking notes you reveal that there are two blocs (the Tormtor-Eilservs bloc and the Despana-Kilsek-Noquarto bloc) and a handful of neutrals waiting for a clear winner to back.

The Eliservs are the first rank house, headed by Eclavdra, and their big plot was pivoting from Lolth worship to Elder Elemental God worship because the Lolth priestesshood didn't back Eclavdra's claim for Queenship. Remember Eclavdra? The text explicitly says that if she died in G3 she was cloned (eyeroll) by her consort. Why organize the events of the G series? To get more EEG converts and attain Queenship. An extremely risky plan that we will discover in T1-2 and A1-4 is more plotholes than plot.

Like,

Eclavdra's house is about to fall before you showed up.

She's in charge of the Giants

Eclavdra's fall would signal an end to the Giant incursions

There is no longer a reason to deal with the Giants

There is no longer a reason to deal with the Drow

There was no reason to do any of this

The EEG temple is actually the one from G3, so you've even already punished the Drow before D1 even started! And also, how exactly is that possible? The route to the G3 temple and the route to D1 are 51 miles apart?

I have read quite a few suggestions on how to un-fuck GDQ, and my personal preference is this:

Flip every House's religions, EEG to Lolth and vice-veras

The Giant plot is Lolth's, and Eclavdra's sister is acting for her

Regardless of G1-3, Eclavdra is about to win the secret war for Queenship via the Lolth cult.

A unified Erelhei-Cinlu is a threat and must be stopped

Anyway, having now shredded the politics in here, we move onto the dungeon-dungeon.

First, the Egg of Lolth, which is the broader Lolth zone in Erelhei-Cinlu. Yada yada yada spider sacrifices, orgies, et c. It's all very rote. The head priestess of the lesser temple (not the greater temple!) has a lot of money but not so much magical items -- a weird quirk of D1-3 is that there are basically no magical weapons, so your fighter is probably livid by now. Then, we enter the Great Fane of Lolth, which is to say the greater temple. And we will go into keyed mode:

The temple itself is pagoda-themed, in case you haven't guessed that the Drow are supposed to be vaguely China-themed yet. Naturally trying to climb around and not dungeoncrawl properly promptly punishes you by being suddenly attacked by a giant pile of gargoyles and shadows.

Every depiction of Lolth, even from this second-release copy I'm using, is just….truly sad. Why was "monster but animal head" so common for so long? It's not scary or weird or funny, it's just lame?

The walls are decorated with fake halloween spiderwebs, so this whole place feels like Spirit Halloween. The actual Fane itself is weirdly empty?

Like an evil confessional, all the council chambers have secret spying rooms.

You run into a fake Lolth illusion who pranks the party, which is really not helping the Spirit Halloween vibes

If you walk into a painting of the Demonweb Pits, you just instantly die (or skip directly to Q1 if your GM hates you -- general consensus is that Q1 is bad and that you should just use the pre-planned D3 version of the Lolth fight)

Finally, as you enter the dungeon part of the dungeon (which is actually pretty small by late-game dungeon standards), there is a passive fear aura and all the spiderwebs are now made of onyx and silver, which means your party is going to have a field day with the chisel.

To my great shock and happiness, there is a drow dissident here! And he's good! And won't backstab you! He is neutrally aligned and wants to reform drow society. Good for him! There's a messed up enchanted silver cage which essentially magically webs a victim in a sort of metaphorical representation of a true spider enwebbing their prey. It's a cool visual!

Lolth just kind of, hangs out in room D5. She isn't doing anything. If you kill her, she drops an egg with plot items for Q1, and geases you to walk through that one painting. No save, of course. Lolth herself is a "hard to hit, high resistances, low HP" affair, but also she can heal herself for 50% three times a day, so she is triple dipping on difficulty (in this biz we call this "deeply unsportsmanlike" but I'll give a pass for a demon queen being bullshit)

There's no real reason to go up. Lolth is down and you have no reason to believe good shit should be up, but if you do anyway you will find a variety of random people wandering around with magical goodies, like the high priestess and the commander. It's implied the priestess has been fucking a demon?

Your taste is a lot different than mine, ma'am.

Naturally the treasure room for the fane is hilariously trapped in like three different ways, including with permanent dust of disappearance. Inexplicably, there is a talisman of lawfulness that, if combined with some diamonds, tells you how to reach Lolth. Why was there a talisman of lawfulness in the treasury? Why does it tell you how to get to the demonweb pits? Why does it write in drowish runes?

Finally, you find a wharf with a boat in it. It's trapped with the previously mentioned sentient statue, but hey -- you now have a galley that you can only use on the Pitchy Flow, Svartjet, and Sunless Sea (in an unexplained way). Good luck with the 66 ghouls, 6 ghosts, and type 2 demon!

That's, that's it? Again, D3 reads like a tiny setting book larping with an obligatory dungeon at the end. The Fane is the blandest dungeon thusfar, and G2 was already pretty lame. Still, it is not lost on me that you could form an entire campaign in the Vault's materials, and it might even be good if you relax the "Drow are ontologically evil" quite a bit and allow your party into the factional fighting.

Next time, Tomb of Horrors! Possibly the most over-discussed module is actually a quite early one. See you then!

[ache-of-saint-vick]

Since I'm building up to run a Ravenloft campaign using Shadowdark rules at some point this year, I wrote up a setting-appropriate Rumors table; this reflects 3e-era lore because the Arthaus era fucks and 5e sucks. Without further ado,

Rumors of the Mists:

01. The Count of Barovia is sick, and there's fear of a succession crisis if he dies without an heir

02-03. A new island has been sighted in the Sea of Sorrows, and it appears to be uninhabited

04-05. The prettiest girl in the last town you visited is starting to grow horns from her forehead

06-07. Gravediggers have found a chained coffin buried lid down in an unmarked grave

08-09. The fearsome dragon of the Mountains of Misery was sighted silhouetted against the moon

10-11. The Vistani dragged some poor fool back to Barovia for a "family reunion" at Castle Ravenloft

12-13. Captain Ysmault has been lost at sea; his poor wife is being hounded by creditors

14-15. Falkovnian chain gangs are being used to forage for bat guano and saltpeter; is war coming?

16-17. Foul horrors of undeath are swimming out of the Necropolis to terrorize the living

18-19. The Ba'al Verzi have been hired to kill someone who looks exactly like one of you

20-21. Gundarakite rebels are spending lots of money. Where did they get it? What's their plan?

22-23. Captain Ysmault has returned! He says his ship somehow ran aground in a landlocked desert

24-25. Omens suggest the inhuman El-Koth are stirring in the hinterlands of Hazlan

26-27. One crypt in the cemetery doesn't belong to any family, and has treasure buried inside

28-29. Someone in the next town wants to run away but can't subdue a Mist Ferryman alone

30-31. Baroness Lyssa is hosting a party in Zeidenburg, but needs guests willing to travel there

32-33. A new Mistway opened on the Nocturnal Sea; nobody wants to risk a ship to explore it

34-35. The Dilisnya family is summoning younger members to a meeting; what are they planning?

36-37. A Zhakatan temple has been unearthed, and the ancient dead enshrined in it are angry

38-39. The Wild Hunt Club of Vechor has lost one of its guides and is looking for a replacement

40-41. Someone is sending abhorrent love letters to the Vistani camped around Tser Pool

42-43. Two women on the mainland are feuding to be the bride of Blaustein's pirate king

44-45. Werewolves are attacking Captain Snowmane's riverboat as it sails the Musarde

46-47. Bodies are being found in the river in Lekar, completely drained of blood

48-49. Only thirteen years remain until the Time of Unparalleled Darkness is upon us

50-51. A windmill in Barovia is grinding the bones of everyone who's gone inside to investigate it

52-53. Captain Ysmault is setting forth again

54-55. The Darkonian Church of Ezra has ordered its faithful to stockpile nonperishable foods

56-57. A gambler won the deed to the House on Gryphon Hill playing Thieves and Wizards (yes I know it's called Wizards and Thieves, but Thieves and Wizards flows better)

58-59. Someone is kidnapping men and replacing them with cursed dolls

60-61. The druids of Immol will enchant a blade for whoever leads a raid into the Forlorn Vale

62-63. A boatload of immigrants has arrived from famished Paridon... with impostors among them

64-65. Rats and ratcatchers in Pont-a-Museau are contracting a disease that drives them mad

66-67. A swordsman from Rokushima has claimed a bridge and demands to duel any who cross it

68-69. The Boritsi family is offering a reward for the return of a holy relic from their chapel

70-71. The tyrant of Invidia's troops have raided Zeidenburg; the Count of Barovia is threatening war

72-73. Elf children are having nightmares about a white tower looming over a mysterious city

74-75. Someone is poisoning unopened Borcan wine; this could be the next Andraal 735 fiasco

76-77. A hideous man with half his body melted has been sighted in the seamy slums of Kantora

78-79. The mayor is being very evasive about where they were during the last two full moons

80-81. Outlanders seek a sword Rudolph Van Richten brought back from Barovia as a trophy

82-83. The moon over Vechor turned blood red and lightning flashes are visible on it at night

84-85. Have you heard the new Harkon Lukas song? It's a wonder the composer hasn't come forward

86-87. A power struggle is brewing between two high-ranking leaders of the Kargat

88-89. A mad monk has been caught in the act of burglary and refuses to explain why

90-91. For the first time in years, the Carnival is headed back down the Old Svalich Road

92-93. The prettiest girl in the next town is sleepwalking and waking up on Old Craven's grave

94-95. The Tepestani Inquisition warns that a vile fey of darkness has escaped and roams the land

96-97. Honest Igor was just here the other day, but left in a hurry when he heard you were coming

98-99. A freestanding staircase with a door at the top has been sighted in the forest nearby

00. Azalin Rex has hired someone to explore the furthest corners of the Mists for unclear reasons

[beansprean]

Miniscene hurt no comfort Wednesday.

*waves hand* something about Nandor's alexithemia, the inability to see yourself clearly, being alone in a feeling or a moment, etc etc... y'know... mirrors!!

(ID in alt and under cut)

ID: 1a. Close up on Nandor looking conflicted and sad on a mottled green background as he notices something ahead of him. 1b. Reverse shot of Guillermo from behind, sleeves rolled up as he cleans a mirror with a cloth. A small side table below the mirror holds a spray bottle of cleaner and a few books with a bookend shaped like a rearing horse. Guillermo is reflected in the mirror but Nandor is not. 1c. Shot of Guillermo from the side; Nandor's arm enters the frame to grip his shoulder from behind with a soft "Guillermo..." Guillermo turns his head back slightly, arm pausing its polishing. His reflection is still visible in the mirror, alone. 1d. Repeat. Guillermo lowers his arm and half-turns to face Nandor as he steps into frame, hand still on Guillermo's shoulder, facing away from the viewer. Guillermo looks up at him expectantly and replies, "Yes?" His reflection turns away with him.

2a. Shot in profile, background blown out in red-violet as Nandor surges forward, both hands cupping the back of Guillermo's shoulders to pull him in, and presses his mouth desperately to Guillermo's. Guillermo's eyes fly wide in surprise, cheeks reddening as his hands, one still clutching the cleaning cloth, are crushed against Nandor's chest. 2b. Repeat. Their heads tilt left, changing places as Guillermo begins to kiss back. His hands run up Nandor's chest to grip at his cape. Nandor grips Guillermo's shoulder firmly with one hand and slides the other up to cup the back of his neck.

3a. Repeat. The background returns to green as they part, still holding each other close with mouths scant inches apart. Nandor looks dazed, half-lidded eyes staring without seeing. Guillermo smiles softly, gaze hooded but focused as he asks playfully, "Hah...what was that for?" 3b. Repeat. Nandor looks away, tension returning to his expression as he takes a small step back, loosening his grip on Guillermo's shoulder. He stutters, "I, um..." Guillermo, hands still on Nandor's chest and gripping his cape, waits patiently for him to complete the thought. He maintains his soft smile, but some confusion begins to creep on his expression. 3c. Close up on Guillermo from Nandor's POV, Nandor's hand stretched out and sliding from Guillermo's shoulder to rest on his collarbone. From offscreen, Nandor continues, "I don't know." Guillermo jerks in shock, his expression immediately hardening as his eyes widen in pain, staring up at Nandor. He is hurt, but he can't quite manage disbelief. 3d. Repeat. Guillermo closes his eyes and ducks his head, scowling but somehow resigned as he grabs Nandor's hand to remove it from his shoulder. He says, "Well. Don't do it again..." 3e. Wide shot, the mirror and table visible again on the far wall. Nandor stands in front of it, back to the viewer, rejected hand still hovering in the air, unable to decide whether to reach out, as Guillermo turns his back and walks away. Guillermo continues, "...until you do know." His face is turned away from the viewer as he leaves, but the mirror catches his expression as it crumples, hurt and angry and humiliated. He is alone in the mirror, and whatever expression Nandor wears remains unseen - perhaps even to himself. /end ID

[myfandomrambles]

C-PTSD & BPD Thirteenth Doctor pt. 2

(Doctor Character Study part 3E.2) E.1, E.3

An analysis of The Doctor as having Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD) along with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). If you read my ADHD & Autistic doctor posts you will notice some symptoms overlap mostly with impulsivity. I chose to put C-PTSD and BPD as one post because symptom overlap is strong, and the disorders are highly comorbid

[Thirteenth Doctor will be in 3 parts due to length. Find the whole thing on AO3]

13th Doctor 2: Morals & her Trauma Informed Identity

Thirteen also shows a need to be seen as moral and a good person in situations including in TV: Resolution when facing the Dalek. She wants to be seen as a good person to her friends, letting them see her anxiety while also having previously hidden the fact she enjoyed scaring the Dalek. 

“Dalek: Hide behind your shield, Doctor, you and your human friends. You have failed. Doctor: Say hello to a Dalek. Dalek: Signal activation in nine rels. The fleet shall be summoned. Doctor: No, it won't. No matter how many times you try, no matter how long you wait, I'll always be in your way, backed up by the best of humanity. Now, final, final, final warning, cos I'm nice. I really do try my best. Stop the signal, get off this planet. Dalek: You are not my commander. Doctor: I tried. You heard me, right? I tried! I gave it a chance. Yasmin: Yeah. Ryan: Yep. Graham: You did.”

She wants to be viewed as good by those she loves and upholds part of her worldview where she matters as a hero. But also can not truly hold to the idealised version of ‘The Doctor’ We see this in TV: The Woman Who Fell To Earth, we see it in how she won’t shoot Tzim-Sha, becoming mad when Tzim-Sha is kicked off the edge, while she put DNA bombs. The idea of The Doctor is still removed from the personal status. A similar contradiction shows up in TV: The Battle of Ranskoor Av Kolos 

“Doctor: Equipment. Doctor: I borrowed all this from your ship, Paltraki. These throat mics work like commdots. Side of the neck. Stay in contact. Take one each. Grenades. Codebreakers for doors. Also, a bomb. Ryan: What happened to never do weapons? Doctor: It's a flexible creed. Doors, locks, walls, buildings, fair game. If it can be rebuilt, I'll allow it. Ryan: No, no. You stopped me shooting at Sniperbots before. Doctor: You were new. I have to lay down the rules if someone's new. Also, don't quote that back to me. My rules change all the time.”

The Doctor is willing to use weapons while having been deeply against them, which is remarked on by Ryan because she told him off for using weapons in TV: The Ghost Monument. This hypocritical state isn’t incongruous with The Doctor’s history, not using guns is something she has built her sense of self around the idea of a pacifist hero with words is something she needs to grasp onto. Her willingness to wipe out her enemies wholesale she argues in TV: War of the Sontarans that they shouldn’t have killed the retreating Sontarans to then kill mass numbers of them along with Daleks and Cybermen in TV: The Vanquishers. In Prose: Combat Magicks she uses her experience with understanding war and alienation to choose to kill aliens who are exploiting Earth with minimal time spent trying to negotiate. Her complicated moral stances and actions reflect a lot of who they want to be but also who they are when it comes down to choosing to save the most people possible. 

Connections with her past in war had less of an impact on her to start with due to being more removed from war trauma. Both the Time War and Trenzalore are at a distance from her. Though we do know she does carry it with her in Prose: The Day of The Doctor [novelisation]. She does return to give Cass a proper burial. Her dislike of war showed through in the above discussion of speaking against weapons while still knowing how to use them also points to her current connection to violence,

War and her connection to it still have a strong effect on her identity. (TV: The Battle of Ranskoor Av Kolos, TV: resolution, TV: Fugitive of The Judoon, TV: Ascension of The Cybermen, TV: War of the Sontarans, Prose: Combat Magicks, Prose: The Good Doctor, Comic: Hidden Human History, Comic: New Beginnings, Comic: Old friends & Comic: Alternating Current )

In TV: Demons of the Punjab we see an interesting connection related to the wars being discussed during the episode. Prem’s history with war and loss feels very impactful. The Doctor wants to go with him when he is going to be killed, offering kindness and something we know has helped them with previous losses. Her belief in the goodness of Prem for wanting to avoid war shows a great deal of resonance. 

The Thijarians' goal of remembering the forgotten dead also mirrors The Doctor’s own history of dying alone and the way The Doctor has a history of leaving forgotten dead behind her. Her own planet had been destroyed by war, The Doctor does believe Gallifrey exists at this point but it was still ravaged, so connecting to people who lost everything and committed to kindness resonates with her. 

Connected to her views on weapons and war as bases of her identity we also have her overt moralising to other characters in their actions. (TV: The Woman Who Fell to Earth, TV: The Ghost Monument, TV: Demons of the Punjab, TV: Kerblam!, TV: Fugitive of The Judoon, Prose: Combat Magicks, Comic: Hidden Human History, Comic: Old friends)

In TV: Arachnids in The UK as a very prominent example of her moral ideals when faced with innocent spiders suffering and causing suffering. 

“Doctor: Whatever happened, there are living, breathing organisms out there and we treat them with dignity. So here's what we're going to do. Robertson: Shoot them! Doctor: We're not going to shoot them! Robertson: What's wrong with you people? What is wrong with this country? Why don't you do what normal people do? Get a gun, shoot things, like a civilised person. Doctor: Because I've got a much better idea. Spiders are roaming this hotel searching for food. We're going to lure them in here with the promise of food, then deal with the spider mother in the ballroom. Oh, that sounds like the best novel Edith Wharton never wrote. Najia: Once they're in here, what happens? Jade: We shut them in and isolate them. Robertson: You're going to let spiders use my panic room? Jade: They deserve a humane, natural death.” & “Jade: She's suffocating. She's got too big to breathe efficiently. Even moving around in here, it's using up what little oxygen she can absorb. She won't survive for long. She's more scared of us than we are of her. Doctor: I'm so sorry this has happened to you. Graham: So what do we do, just leave her? (Robertson enters.) Doctor: No. Absolutely not. Robertson: My hotel, my rules. I am the future President of the United States. How's this for fire and fury? Doctor: No, don't! (He shoots the spider and she falls on her back, nearly hitting The Doctor.) Doctor: Put the gun down. She wasn't a real threat. She was dying anyway. Robertson: Ah, well, then it's a mercy killing. Doctor: I don't see any mercy in you.”

This decision The Doctor wants to make for the smaller spiders to starve or dehydrate to death. She backs the idea of a “natural death” even when it could be kinder to shoot them. The Spider Mother is also going to suffocate to death, an extremely painful way to die. Robertson is clearly acting out of a love for violence and selfishness, not truly wanting to be merciful. But his impure motives do not change the fact that there is a conversation to be had about euthanizing them instead of giving them painful ‘natural’ deaths. The Doctor may be correct but it's still interesting there were no consideration given by any of the characters who are worth hearing out. 

We see another strong outward moralising moment in TV: The Battle of Ranskoor Av Kolos. She argues with Graham about his wanting revenge by killing Tzim Sha. She is against, even telling him to leave, she is right to warn him against murder. Which makes sense as they have killed before and she’s never liked it in any regeneration. 

“Graham: Doc, can I have a word? Doctor: Of course. Graham: Just the two of us? Ryan: Fine. Come on, Yaz. Graham: I need to be honest with you, cos I am really grateful for everything you've done for me. Well, for us, you know? Everywhere we've been, all the adventures, been amazing. But if that is the creature from Sheffield, I will kill it if I can. For what it did to Grace. Doctor: Go back to the Tardis, Graham. Graham: No. Doctor: I won't let you do that. Graham: You ain't going to have a say in it. Doctor: You're better than this. You are. You have to be. If you kill him, I can't have you travel with me. That's if you even live. Graham: I understand. Doctor: No, you don't. We're going to rescue hostages. Anything that compromises them is dangerous. And if you kill him, you become the same as him. Graham: I ain't having that. Doctor: I'm serious, Graham. (She walks on.) Graham: And so am I.”

&

“Doctor: Where's Tim Shaw? Graham: Oh, he's taking a very long nap in a very small stasis chamber. Ryan: Of his own making. I like that. Graham: Yeah. Oh, I couldn't do it, Doc. Yeah, I had the chance. Too weak. Doctor: Graham O'Brien, you're the strongest person I know. Well, one of a few.”

The Doctor is trying to protect Graham and maintain her moral ground, something she is very devoted to. In this self view she supports putting Tzim-Sha in a tortuous situation is more moral than killing them, clearly showing how she interprets these moral quandaries. Another example of this is her monologuing  in TV: Orphan 55 :

“Doctor: ... I know what you're thinking, but it's one possible future. It's one timeline. You want me to tell you that Earth's going to be okay? Cos I can't. In your time, humanity is busy arguing over the washing-up while the house burns down. Unless people face facts and change, catastrophe is coming. But it's not decided. You know that. The future is not fixed. It depends on billions of decisions, and actions, and people stepping up. Humans. I think you forget how powerful you are. Lives change worlds. People can save planets, or wreck them. That's the choice. Be the best of humanity.”

This highlights that her moralising comes also from her years of experience, making it a clear connective tissue between Doctors and something that characterises this Doctor on her own terms. 

Another facet of Thirteen’s identity formation is her tendency to have a false self. A trait that comes from personality disorders, especially in Cluster B personality disorders; Antisocial Personality Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, Histrionic Personality Disorder and Narcissistic Personality Disorder. 

This is most clearly referenced by King James in TV: The Witchfinders

“Doctor: Yeah, yeah, I know. It must be comforting playing that role, hiding behind a title. James: Just as you hide behind Doctor, perhaps?”

This is an important way she intersects with the world, especially in Series Eleven where she is putting on this mask of being happy-go-lucky. The above symptoms and some later described here show that she is already struggling but is doing her best to act like she is someone she isn’t. Her false self and masking make her interactions feel stilted and start the above-discussed film between her and her companions. 

The Doctor concept is bolstered when saving people and being gratified by helping, this heroic idea of what ‘The Doctor’ is meant to be is something The Doctor will hold on to. (TV: The Woman Who Fell to Earth, TV: Arachnids In The UK, TV: Kerblam!, TV: The Witchfinders, TV: Nikola Tesla's Night of Terror, TV: Praxeus, TV: Can You Hear Me, TV: The Halloween Apocalypse, TV: Eve of The Daleks, Prose: Combat Magicks, Prose: Molten Heart, & Prose: The Secret in Vault 13)

TV: It Takes You Away shows her putting herself in the hero role doing her best to protect everyone and having a fight response towards the Solitract. Once everyone is safe she lets the arousal in her body go down and she connects with the Solitract. This shows her heroic tendencies and some of her most honest kindness.

  In TV: The Haunting Villa Diodati Along with coming into a space of control when dealing with the historical figures, especially Byron, and while this control is a huge part of her actions in the story we also see when she comes it she wants to protect other people, even when it leaves her  very stressed. This carries into TV: Ascension of The Cybermen & TV: The Timeless Children.

A key aspect of identity and the way her trauma shows through for Thirteen is the revelations of the Timeless Child and the way this reframes who they think they are and their history. 

The beginning of this arc with the destruction of Gallifrey (TV: Spyfall pt1) acts as a deeply re-traumatizing event. Dealing with being forced to view your planet in a state of destruction and the loss of her people for another time causes her to struggle and leaves her in a bit of an obsessive and dissociative state. During TV: Fugitive of The Judoon the repercussion of what she was forced to view others can see how she is fixating on the loss and the violence of The Master. Dissociative and repetitive behaviours become so disruptive that those around her notice:

“Ryan: She's doing it again. Spending hours at the controls looking for something. Thinks we haven't noticed. Graham: I'll ask her. Hey, Doc, what are you looking for? Doctor: How long have you been there? Yasmin: Twenty minutes? Doctor: You haven't. Ryan: What you looking for? Doctor: Not looking for anything. Yasmin: Don't lie to us. Doctor: The Master. Graham: Why would you do that? Yasmin: The Kasaavin took him. Doctor: Yes. They transported him to their dimension and I can't get there in the Tardis, but I thought if he escaped, I could track him. There's no sign. Ryan: I thought he'd be the last person you'd want to see. Doctor: He left a message for me. Graham: Saying what? Doctor: It's personal. Yasmin: Is that where you go, when you leave us to explore and you say you'll be back in an hour but you never are? Are you out looking for him? Where do you go? Doctor: Home. On my own. Yasmin: Why? Why not with us? Doctor: Cos you ask too many questions.”

In the same episode, there is a similar invocation of the trauma of having a place she cared about taken from her. The trauma reactions come out when in a high-stress situation. She doesn’t just point out something is wrong with the timeline, she says so graphically and mentions she’s seen it multiple times, she has no tact to be had here and she doesn’t even fully grasp what Gallifrey had done to her yet. 

“Gat: There won't be two payments, because two of the same Time Lord can't occupy the same space at the same time. It's an abomination. It'll destroy the time streams before you get anywhere near Gallifrey. Doctor: What did you say?...Gallifreyan. You're from home. Gat: I serve for the glory of Gallifrey. Doctor: Then both of you can only be my past. But that's impossible, because I know my own past. I lived through it. All of it. Fugitive!Doctor: You're wrong.

Doctor: I'm not wrong. I've seen Gallifrey destroyed. Twice. First by a war, second by a lunatic who I'm still trying to find. In my time, Gallifrey doesn't exist. It's gone. Forever. And if you don't know that, you're in my past. So, you are only serving at the glory of ash and bone.”

This episode was overall very upsetting. She deals with flashbacks during this episode, we notice the hypervigilance and fight-bound procedural memories go back to the Fugitive!Doctor. Even when she has been fob-watched she already couldn’t hide who she was on the inside fully. 

As we move forward with this arc (TV: Timeless Children) we end up with The Doctor learning about the abusive situation and mind-wiping that she went through repeatedly for an uncountable number of lives. She starts out being very confused and disbelieving;

“Doctor: I know my life. I know... I know who I am. Master: No, you don't. You never have. Your life has been hidden from you. Our founding parents wanted a noble creation myth for the Time Lords. Born To Rule. Doctor: I remember my home. I remember growing up. I remember you and me at the Academy together. Master: That happened. It just wasn't your first life. Doctor: Why would they lie? Why would they do that? Master: I wish it wasn't true, but it is. You know what I find the most infuriating? You always behaved like you were different, like you were... like you were special. And you were. You can see... you can see why I'm angry. A little piece of you is in me. All I am is somehow because of you, and believe me when I say, I cannot bear that. Doctor: Show me the rest. Master: I'm not sure you can cope with much... Doctor: Show me the rest! I have a right to know my own life.”

She starts to work through it when she is left in The Matrix by The Master.

“Fugitive!Doctor: Don't ask me, I'm as lost as you are in here. Maybe you just summoned me. Doctor: Where do you fit into all this? Were you me all that time ago? Were all my memories of you erased? Did they force me back into becoming a child? How many more of me are out there? Fugitive!Doctor: I don't have those answers. But say I did, would they even help? Doctor: Of course they would. All this, it means I'm not who I thought I was. Fugitive!Doctor: Because your memories aren't compatible with what you learnt today. Doctor: Yes. Fugitive!Doctor: Have you ever been limited by who you were before? Doctor: Ah. Now, that does sound like me talking. I'm so tired. The Matrix is sapping all the energy of out of me. Fugitive!Doctor: No time to be tired. Still, work to do out there. Lives at stake. Armies being born. People need The Doctor. Doctor: I don't know how to stop The Master. Fugitive!Doctor: Course you do. That one question that's nagging at you, the one thing he said that you didn't understand. Doctor: The one thing who said? The Master? Fugitive!Doctor: No. Get out of here. I know this place has blown your mind. Maybe you should return the compliment. Doctor: No, wait. Are you still there? Of course, she's still there. If you were me, you're buried within me, buried within... Too many thoughts. All right, first things first, what did she say? Mind blown. Yes! Of course! All this history, all these lies, it's too much stimulus. It might work. I've fought the Matrix before, denied its reality, I can do it again. Maybe...”

This moment is followed by a conversation with The Master within the same episode:

“Master: ... I have broken you and created a new race. And now? Now I shall conquer... everything. Oh. Doctor: You think you've broken me? You'll have to try harder than that. You've given me a gift. Of myself. You think that could destroy me? You think that makes me lesser? It makes me more. I contain multitudes more than I ever thought or knew. You want me to be scared of it because you're scared of everything. But I am so much more than you.”

While these words are good we know that this mental state isn’t the truth. The Flux arc shows that these positive statements do not fully resonate with her ability to fully integrate these revelations. In a sense, she wants to integrate these revelations about her history of abuse and trauma into her already scarred psyche. The Doctor is stubborn, inquisitive and brave by temperament, integration without action wasn’t going to come easy.

The memories of the Timeless Children being stolen also relate to the history The Doctor has with mind wipes with Donna (TV: Journey's End) and Clara (TV: Hell Bent) . A lot of pain is linked to the loss of memory. Swarm and Azure took the Fob Watch holding The Doctor’s memories away from her, opening them up to fracture her memories reinviting traumatic content to come up in her. (TV: The Vanquishers)

She is left with confusion about her past and pretty strong losses even if Gallifrey wasn’t kind to her she still grew up there and put themselves through hell to protect the common people of Gallifrey. To have lost herself, her past home and knowing another person died for her is exhausting to her mind and body. (TV: Timeless Children)

Instead of being free to process her trauma in a way that she could engage with other people, get trauma energy from her nervous system and even just get some fresh air she is taken into custody by the Judoon. She is left in a place that forces isolation and static movements. She is incapable of doing anything to help herself. She is forced into a situation that is already traumatic, being stressed in a situation with no escape, and carrying recent wounds that can’t heal. Terror without escape and resolution is the basis of trauma.

She mentions that she was imprisoned and that it hurt her in TV: Revolution of The Daleks.

“Harkness: Why were you in prison in the first place? Doctor: Evading the Judoon. Twice at once. Then once I was in, they took 7,000 other offences into consideration. Harkness: They stopped at seven? Doctor: I was in prison for being me... right at the point when I wasn't sure what that meant. Ah, it's been a tough few decades. Harkness: You're okay now, yeah? Doctor: Oh, I guess we'll find out. Wakey-wakey. Harkness: Hey! Doctor: Nice nap? Thanks for waiting. I had a lot to think about in there. And three very special people I've missed. Harkness: One of them was me, right? Doctor: You never change. Harkness: Wish I could say the same. Doctor: Right. Find me my fam.”

Panic and obsession she had about her lost memories became intensely powerful over time. This leads to trying to interrogate Karvanista in TV: Halloween Apocalypse mirrors a very real need people with dissociative amnesia have to understand what they have lost. This extends to  TV: Once, Upon Time we see flashbacks happen a lot tied into some of the sci-fi elements. Her getting lost in time reliving a traumatic incident that The Fugitive!Doctor experienced. It’s stronger than Yasmin Khan and Vinder experienced. While not directly flashbacks as it’s time distortions and the Mouri it very much mirrors when you have complete flashbacks and lose track of reality, and can’t let go easily of trying leaving her very distressed when she loses that connection psychically with her past. 

“Doctor: No, no, no. Put me back, put me back. I want to go back in there. I have to get back in! Yasmin: Doctor, it's okay. Doctor: It's not okay! Not for me! You don't understand anything. Yasmin: All right. Doctor: I had a chance while it was broken. Vinder: Well, it's not now. The Mouri, they're all back. Yasmin: You saved our lives.”

(TV: Once, Upon Time)

Her memories and fears around her stolen past come to a head in TV: Survivors of The Flux when she is able to meet Tecteun face to face. This woman we know medically, psychologically, and emotionally abused The Doctor for a very long time. Tecteun used The Doctor as a science experiment for her own gain and after that as a weapon. It’s horrific for a child to have been tortured medically so much she died repeatedly. The Doctor confronts her adoptive ‘mother’ about the situation and instead of truly getting answers or help she has to deal with the violence her ‘mother’ enacted on her and the universe being manipulative. 

“Tecteun: Yes. I found you. A lost child, alone, beneath a monument on a deserted planet, seemingly deposited thereby a wormhole. No way back, no one to care for you. Doctor: You took something that didn't belong to you. Tecteun: I rescued you. Would you prefer to have been left? Doctor: You assumed I came through that wormhole, but you don't know. What if I was waiting there to collected? What if I was supposed to be taken through it? What if whoever left me there was taken by that wormhole? Tecteun: What if, what if, what if? Doctor: You denied me my life! Tecteun: I gave you a life. Everything you are is because of me. But I understand. You think you could have been something else, someone else. Doctor: Maybe. I'll never know. Tecteun: You judge me for giving you the journey of your lifetime. What do you do, Doctor? Pick people up, take them with you? You adopt them, use them, for reassurance, for company. They're your experiments, just as you were mine. Doctor: We are not the same. Tecteun: This just shows I was right to order your memories erased.” & “Doctor: A Galifreyan device for the protecting and storage of memories and identities. Of course, you kept them, the memories you took from me. Tecteun: A good scientist never throws away their workings. We had them quantum stored for a long time in the Weeping Angel who tracked you and betrayed you but don't worry, it didn't escape. Everything has been transferred now, stored in that fob watch. Doctor: How much was lost? How many lives? How many people have I been? Dozens? Hundreds? Thousands? Tecteun: What would you give to know? What if I offered you a choice? You can return to the dying universe you left, defend it from its inevitable destruction and fail, or rejoin Division. Rejoin me. Come with us into the next universe, into the beyond. Help me build! With your memories restored. Be complete again. The next universe holds the other end of the wormhole where I found you. That universe may be where you're from, where you began. Your origins, perhaps. Think of the discoveries that would await us both there. A new start. Doctor: If you really knew me, you'd know I'd never agree to any of this, no matter how strong the incentive.”

Tecteun takes credit for all of the good Thirteen and The Doctor more widely had and done and her tendency to pick up people across time. And blames The Doctor for why they continued her abuse of The Doctor by forcing her to lose part of herself and her history. Pretending to know The Doctor and leaving The Doctor afraid of herself and angry at her story. More so than just losing the memories there is also a lot of anger at the way someone would do that to her. The Flux being sent out to the world is something The Doctor would never allow, showing that even when Tecteun tries to manipulate she doesn’t understand everything The Doctor is.

While Tecteun did change The Doctor on a deep level by what she did to them as a child, it doesn’t define everything The Doctor has been and can be. While Teteun views The Doctor as a daughter she has no grasp of the love and loss The Doctor has been through, who she is now.

The Doctor recovers the fob watch with her memories, given what she wanted but after more violence and loss. Realising she was keeping people at bay.

“Doctor: ... Yaz. I'm sorry. I didn't let you into what I was doing. Going after Karvanista. What I was looking for. I shouldn't have shut you out. Yasmin: No. You shouldn't have. Doctor: I was looking for information about me. A life I never knew. I want to tell you everything. Yasmin: I'd like that. DAN: Did you say left or right? Yasmin: Come on, Scouse, let Yorkshire show you the way. (The Doctor takes the fob watch out of her pocket, then removes a blue globe from the console and holds it over the long, long tunnel down into the workings of the Tardis.) Doctor: Do me a favour. Keep this safe somewhere deep within this Tardis. Somewhere I can never find it. (Drops it and replaces the globe.) Doctor: Unless I really ask for it.”

This shows that The Doctor can't deal with everything at that point when it comes to her possible memories or fully connecting with Yasmin Khan. That she doesn’t show or explain the fob watch Yaz is purposeful, she trusts Yaz very much but she doesn't trust herself to fully connect with her past. The way she phrases it to the TARDIS also points to a cold fear/anger flight mindset, showing she is still struggling to process her trauma. No matter if it is a good idea or not, she can’t deal with it all right now. But her true confidant here is her TARDIS, no matter how much she loves Yaz.

[oswednesday]

If I'm interested in Unknown Armies, should I get the 2nd edition book or the .. four(?) 3rd edition books? I see you've recommended 2e a lot, but I'm curious what your take on the differences are + why to choose one over the other. Thank you! (:

its sort of like how dnd 3.5e vs 4e like those are two vastly different games but the vastness is only really noticeable when youre playing them, like both updated systems the game mechanics entwine development in a way that people dont find very flexible which gives both these games more of a boardgamey feel and i think thats reflective of like really really specific categories of classes that were previously covered by like wider variations; in addition if your entry point into tabletop is like a fate system 3e will feel familiar it will feel less like the coc style game it is in 2e i think is the biggest thing For Me, 2e is just The Most Perfect d100 chance system out there

[astarab1aze]

some trivia

there are 26 hours in a day, still 7 days a week, 455 days in a year, 65 weeks, and 13 months in sunjatta

the fhal'tir have their own zodiac that was changed in 3E to honor the innocent eimadran and fhal'tiran elves lost to the war of 2E - took a lot of convincing, but they ended up with: imidr, imdira, firrim, amiriel, namharra, rhevala, sorenhavva, lorolin, valantir, and jhedenfhal, all a reflection of the gods

some wildlings catch magic birds like avulisks, clip their wings, and sell them as exotic pets to nobles and otherwise wealthy folk

there are like maybe 3 places in all of myrrdin that are truly okay with magic, but one of them is the city of love. it's a town full of fairytale romance, marriage, superstition, tradition, sex, beauty, so much fun, all those things - it's like, the magical medieval equivalent to vegas

wenderghasts are a powerful type of specter resultant from immurement, or live entombment. they are wildly vengeful and can only be defeated or ridden of if you can find and burn their bodies. usually take on the form of skeletal mist and will attempt to trick you into entombing yourself

sin eating is an elven tradition in which symbolic ritual cannibalism is employed to relieve a deceased person of sin so they can pass into the heavens to be with a'vir

viresca and furie are distant cousins, belonging to separate branches of the original night family line; viri belongs to a fallen and disgraced house where fuu belongs to the og and is technically pureblooded; sortia is their greatx32-step-grandmother regardless

hydre will eventually devour the worldeaters and take their place as the worldeater, the god

sure-footed as she seems, viresca has weak ankles and is, on occasion, very prone to tripping

13 is considered a lucky number