#3.5 out of 5 stars

[quoteablebooks]

Genre: Fiction, Adult, Fantasy, Humor

Rating: 3.5 out of 5

Content Warning: Violence, Death, Suicide, Sexual content, Torture, Murder, Sexual assault, Rape, Genocide           

Summary: From bestselling author Django Wexler comes a laugh-out-loud fantasy tale about a young woman who, tired of defending humanity from the Dark Lord, decides maybe the Dark Lord doesn’t have it all wrong after all, perfect for fans of Terry Pratchett and KJ Parker.

Davi has done this all before. She’s tried to be the hero and take down the all-powerful Dark Lord. A hundred times she’s rallied humanity and made the final charge. But the time loop always gets her in the end. Sometimes she’s killed quickly. Sometimes it takes a while. But she’s been defeated every time.

This time? She’s done being the hero and done being stuck in this endless time loop. If the Dark Lord always wins, then maybe that’s who she needs to be. It’s Davi’s turn to play on the winning side.

*Opinions*

I watch a lot of bookish content, which is why my TBR continues to grow and not shrink, but this is another read influenced by social media. It was a five-star read for the Booktalker (booksandlala) and the premise sounded interesting to me, so I requested it from the library. I don’t know what I was expecting, but it was not what I got out of this novel. This was a satirical, fourth-wall-breaking romp through this fantasy world of Wexler’s creation. While I enjoyed my time in this world (though with a few critics) this novel will not be for everyone.

How to Become the Dark Lord or Die Trying follows Davi, a chosen one sent from Earth to a fantasy realm to save the Kingdom. The only problem? She keeps failing at this task and dying over and over and over again. The good news is that she always returns to where she started, a pool where she first emerged—the bad news, after a couple of thousand years that gets really old. Eventually, Davi decides that she wants to be on the winning team and tries not to save the kingdom, but become the Dark Lord that eventually destroys it. While there are a lot of false starts on this path as well, eventually Davi has a small horde of Wilders, and on her way to the meeting that will choose the next Dark Lord. However, without knowing how things work on this side of the world, Davi has to rely on her wits and a whole lot of luck to get the title she so dearly wants. Then again, if she dies, she can just try again, right?

The way that Wexler wrote this fantasy novel was reminiscent of a Mel Brooks movie, though I would not state that it is executed as well as one of those movies. Davi takes every well-worn fantasy trope and turns it on it’s head during her time attempting to become the Dark Lord, including murdering her quest giver multiple times. The issue I have is that near the end of the novel, is that Wexler attempts to go from a funny romp to serious questions about the world and Davi mentally manages the change in her understanding of how the world works. I understand that satirical novels need a plot, but the shift to serious lore and Davi losing her mind a little was a pretty serious shift, which is then forgotten after a couple of chapters.

The internal logic of this novel did not work at times well, which I didn’t get too hung up on given that this is a humorous novel, but I did catch it. The biggest one is that Davi does not remember anything about her life before coming to this fantasy world, she mentions this multiple times, yet she uses almost exclusively pop culture and known references from our world. You would think that after a couple of thousand years, she would forget movie lines along with what she used to do for a living. You would also think that she would catch on to the lore and myths of this world and use their slang. She is able to speak Wilder, but decides to confuse everyone around her constantly by continuing to talk in Earth references. I get that it is the humor of the novel, but it didn’t make sense within the logic of the world Wexler developed.

While I enjoyed my time with this novel, but most readers will know within the first twenty-five pages whether they like the narrative voice or if it is going to drive them insane. When describing the humor and overall narrative voice to a friend, I stated that it reminded me of Youtubers, especially in the gaming sphere, in the heyday of its popularity. Think like Smosh or early Markipler and Jacksepcticeye. If that is not the type of humor you enjoy, Davi is going to get on your nerves immediately. At times, I even found her a bit too much but I was enjoying the twist on a fantasy novel that I was able to push through those instances, which happened mostly at the beginning of the novel. Another writing aspect that did not really work for me was any time Davi was thinking about sex, which was a lot (see my comment about Youtuber humor). Now there were not the more egregious issues of a man writing a female main character, but there was something in the way that he wrote her horniess that made it clear the author was a man. I am not saying that women cannot be extremely horny, it is the way that it was written. I wish I had a better way to describe it. Again, I watched a lot of Youtube in my day so I was able to deal with it, but I can see it being an issue for other readers.

I personally did not like Davi a lot, but the surrounding characters were enough to push me through when she was extremely annoying. Still, even the primary romance didn’t hold my attention, mostly due to the issue I had with how Davi was written in terms of her thoughts on sex and her pursuing those needs. I did like her love interest, they were one of the few sincere characters in this novel.

I know this all makes it sound as if I didn’t enjoy the novel, but I had a good time while I was reading it. I just never found that I wanted to pick it back up. This is a story that I am interested in seeing where it is going, especially given the ending, but I will be picking it up from the library. This is a 3.5 read

[clarislam]

Book Review: "The Train Of Lost Things" by Ammi-Joan Paquette

What happens when Marty loses his jacket from his father? Find out in "The Train Of Lost Things" by Ammi-Joan Paquette! #bookreview #TheTrainOfLostThings #AmmiJoanPaquette #fantasy #kidlit

Cover of “The Train Of Lost Things” by Ammi-Joan Paquette. Here’s the summary so we know what it’s about: “Marty cherishes the extra-special birthday present his dad gave him — a jean jacket on which he’s afixed numerous buttons — because it’s a tie to his father, who is sick and doesn’t have much time left. So when his jacket goes missing, Marty is devastated. When his dad tells him the story of…

[phoenixspencer]

Hellbenders (2012)

Clancy Brown as Father Angus Watched April 14th, 2024

[stayatsam]

more on the outer worlds and comparing to BG3 since that's just the last game i played. the diff is massive...

Baldurs Gate moral choices are like. do you want to:

Save someone's life

Kill everyone

Outer Worlds moral choices:

To save yourself you must destroy one community over another by taking their electricity away.

This self-absorbed scientist who endangered his staff wants his research back so he can get a promotion; but seems to regret his actions if you press. (and he kills himself if his staff die)

DISCLAIMER: i realize the big difference between a fantasy video game about saving the world from a giant brain vs a satirical sci-fi shooter

[match-your-steps]

just read a review of the lego movie from 2014 and it is genuinely a horrible piece of literature and through perusing the comments underneath the review, I have gained an intense dislike of the reviewer. it's not even that I liked the lego movie and he didn't it's just that a lot of the stuff he says is factually incorrect, really stupid-sounding, or he doesn't provide any real reason, and in the comments, he reacts to even the friendliest and politest constructive criticism as if it's a personal attack on him.

[simp-ly-writes]

YOUTUBE / SMOSH MASTERLIST*

[ angst: 🌧️ | suggestive: 👀 | fluff: 🌸 | author fav: 🫶 | popular: ⭐️ ]

─────── · · SERIES:

THE COMMENTS SECTION: The youtube comments section ship you and Spencer together heavily and so does the rest of the cast it seems. (Spencer Agnew x Reader)

(pt.1) (pt.2) (pt.3) (pt.3.5) (pt.4) (pt.4.5) (pt.5) (pt.6) (pt.7) (pt.8) (pt.9) (pt.10) (completed) 🌧️ 👀 🌸 ⭐️ word count: n/a

LOVE AND ZOMBIES: When Amanda calls in sick for the shoot day you are taken out of your cubicle and transported into a world of violence and destruction, only to find love with those you least expect. (Spencer Agnew x Reader)

(pt.1) (pt.2) (completed) 🌧️ 👀 🫶 ⭐️ word count: 5,062 words

THE SILENT DUKE: Your parents say you must marry by the end of the season (much to your horror) but what happens when a mysterious gentleman appears, what difference will that make of your marriage outlook when sparks fly and yet you are being paired with another- the mystery-mans best friend out of all people! *F!Reader

(pt.1) (pt.1.5) (pt.2) (completed) 🌧️ 🫶 🌸 word count: 6,823 words

─────── · · STANDALONES:

─ · · SPENCER AGNEW:

Crush: You try and hide your crush on your co-worker. 🌧️ ⭐️

What Would You Do?: In this standalone part, everyone finds out how Spencer seems to know you better than you know yourself and the comments go wild over it. It's still recommended that you read the series for the full effect. 🌸 ⭐️

Hard-Launching: When you and Spencer decide to give the fans what they want. 🌸

Under The Weather: When Spencer takes care of you because you're sick. 🌧️

OH, BABY!: Smosh Baby #2! The sequel nobody knew they wanted or needed that finds you walking around the office with a robotic baby and leads to you and Spencer realizing that getting another cat was the best choice for now. 🌸 ⭐️

Meet-Cute: When contributing a meme for Who Meme'd It, you decide to make fun of the way you met your Fiancé Spencer. 🌸

Boss & Bothered: Spencer is your boss to a degree and you spent a large majority of time by his side that you begin thinking things about your boss an employee really should not be considering... 🌧️ 👀 ⭐️

Gentle-Fellows: You, Spencer and your fellow cast mates Angela and Shayne all star in yet another Don't Win Mario Party, Gentlemen addition! 🌸 ⭐️

Love is Blind: Smosh Games is making another title in the smash hit board game series, love is blind, but is it all fun and games- or will you actually end up winning something worth a lot more? 🌸 ⭐️

Breaking Character: You try your hardest to beat Gentleman Spencer at his own game of saying increasingly outlandish comments while trying to get him to break character! 🌸

"Need a Lift?": It is your first time traveling to the USA, once there you are like a fish outta water but thankfully you run into Spencer who is more than willing to help you! 🌸

Jenga, Jokes, & Comfort: You are starring in your first Gentleman video, anxious beyond belief and worried for Spencers jokes and your relationship. Spencer is right there to make sure you are having fun and to comfort you afterwards! 🌸

Rat Boyfriend: You hated Charles Spencer Agnew. Well... maybe hate was too strong of a word, severely dislike would be a better descriptor. But what happens when Spencer dresses up as your number one type, a rat boyfriend? 🌧️ 🌸 🫶

Spencer Agnew Dating Headcanons: what would it be like to date Spencer? (Male!Reader) 🌸

─────── · ·

─ · · TREVOR EVARTS:

Chocolate Chip Cookies: You are Trevor can't be trusted anywhere with one another, so during one of the few occasions you are allowed to film together- you both decide to make the most of it. 🌸 🫶

Cookbooks & Love Letters: You are a celebrity chef, rivaling gordon ramsay himself online and when you come to Good Mythical Morning to star in one of your favourite childhood youtubers videos, you find yourself falling in love as well out of all things! 🌸

"Not-A-Couple' Couple: Its Who Meme'd It time yet again and the guest star today is you! It being your first time on a Smosh set, you don't expect anything to happen but how wrong are you when all the meme's appear to be about you and your totally-not boyfriend (and coworker), Trevor. 🌸

Safety Hazard: You cannot cook to save your life so much so that it even endangers others when you do not mean it to but good thing you have a patient boyfriend who is more than willing to help! 🌸

─────── · ·

─ · · IAN HECOX:

Here With Me: you could confidently say that you were a fan since practically day one, growing up alongside Anthony and Ian before life has you changing schools, states, and relationships only to come back together and for what? a company that is falling a part as soon as it had grown legs? but maybe there is something or someone that allows you to stand above it all... and you the same for them... 🌧️ 🌸 🫶

─────── · ·

─ · · ALEX TRAN:

Dating Headcanons: What if would be like to work at Smosh and date Alex! (Alex Tran x Reader) 🌸

──────────────── · ·

*Disclaimer: I respect all the people I write about and their relationship situations. These are real people and I do not know them personally, I only write about the character they portray on camera and separate that from reality. If any individual I have written for does not feel comfortable with having content written about them, I will be taking these works down.

[blondephil]

hello (one of the) resident phannie data analyst(s) here with some parasocial stats on dnp’s movie tastes! following: distribution of dan and phil's ratings overall, movies they each rated 5 stars, their lowest-rated movies, and the similarities + differences in their tastes

(lore moment: yes i am a data analyst in my real job. yes i surprised myself with wanting to do this in my spare time. but then i remembered when we read dracula in college (yes i was an english major) and i graphed like, how many times dracula was referred to as vampire versus monster or something. so i shouldn’t be surprised.

first up, their overall rating patterns and by ~special status~ (i.e., wall-e, kill bill, avatar, lmao, plus big hero 6 for the fun of it)

dan’s rated 304 movies and phil’s rated 305. both of them have mean and median ratings of 4 with min 1 and max 5.

both rated kill bill vols. 1 and 2 a 5. wall-e got a 4.5 from dan and a 4 from phil (phake phans). both gave avatar a 3.5. and big hero 6 3.5 (dan) and 4.5 (phil)

rating distribution:

i did analyses here by genre but i need to fix the output (i’m writing all of these based on the markdown document from my phone on the subway, but i need to fix the outputs and i don’t have my computer. so those are pending but there are other genre analyses that i could do & haven’t yet!)

while i was sorting through the data i got the impression that dan overall rated movies higher than phil. so, among movies that they've both rated, here's some information

number of movies dan rated higher than phil: 65

Empire Strikes Back, Blade Runner, Return of the Jedi, My Neighbor Totoro, Back to the Future II, Nightmare Before Christmas, Toy Story, Phantom Mence, Donnie Darko, Attack of the Clones, Finding Nemo, Oldboy, The Notebook, Batman Begins, Brokeback Mountain, WALL-E, (500) Days of Summer, Up, The Hangover, Drive, The Cabin in the Woods, The Avengers, The Dark Knight Rises, Life of Pi, Skyfall, The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey, Whiplash, The Amazing Spider-Man 2, Room, The Hateful Eight, The Force Awakens, Manchester by the Sea, Deadpool, La La Land, Moonlight, Rogue One, Call Me By Your Name, Guardians of the Galaxy Vol 2., Wonder Woman, Spider-Man: Homecoming, I, Tonya, Thor: Ragnorak, Phantom Thread, Roma, The Favourite, The Lighthouse, Toy Story 4, Midsommar, Ad Astra, Knives Out, Soul, The Green Knight, No Time to Die, Don't Look Up, Spider-Man: No Way Home, Turning Red, Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness, Thor: Love and Thunder, The Banshees of Inisherin, The Fabelmans, Glass Onion, Beau is Afraid, Barbie, Oppenheimer, Poor Things

number of movies phil rated higher than dan: 55

Star Wars (New Hope), Blair Witch Project, Requiem for a Dream, Memento, Ocean's Eleven, Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers, Iron Man 2, Thor, Captain America: The First Avenger, The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, Moonrise Kingdom, Iron Man 3, Gravity, Prisoners, The Wolf of Wall Street, The Grand Budapest Hotel, Captain America: The Winter Soldier, The Imitation Game, Nightcrawler, John Wick, Gone Girl, Big Hero 6, Jurassic World, The Martian, The Revenant, Nocturnal Animals, Split, Get Out, Baby Driver, The Disaster Artist, Dunkirk, The Shape of Water, The Greatest Showman, The Last Jedi, Ready Player One, Crazy Rich Asians, A Star is Born, Rocketman, Once Upon a Time… in Hollywood, Joker, The Rise of Skywalker, The Invisible Man, A Quiet Place Part II, Greenland, Tenet, Malignant, Eternals, The Matrix Resurrections, Scream (2022), Nope, Prey, Talk to Me, Avatar: The Way of the Water, The Super Mario Bros. Movie, Mission Impossible - Dead Reckoning Part One

number of movies they rated the same: 99!

Alien, ET, Gremlins, Back to the Future, Top Gun, Aliens, Home Alone, Silence of the Lambs, Jurassic Park, Pulp Fiction, The Lion King, Se7en, Scream, The Fifth Element, Titanic, The Truman Show, The Matrix, Magnolia, Spirited Away, Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring, Spider-Man, Lost in Translation, Kill Bill, Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King, Kill Bill Vol. 2, Mean Girls, Howl's Moving Castle, Children of Men, The Dark Knight, Pontypool, Inglourious Basterds, Avatar, Toy Story 3, Inception, Scott Pilgrim vs. the World, Black Swan, The Social Network, 21 Jump Street, The Hunger Games, Silver Linings Playbook, The Conjuring, Snowpiercer, Her, Thor: The Dark World, The Hunger Games: Catching Fire, Boyhood, It Follows, Guardians of the Galaxy, Birdman or (The Unexpected Virtue of Ignorance), Interstellar, Ex Machina, The Witch, Avengers: The Age of Ultron, Mad Max: Fury Road, Inside Out, Ant-Man, Captain America: Civil War, Your Name., Arrival, Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri, mother!, It, Blade Runner 2049, Hereditary, Black Panther, Annihilation, A Quiet Place, Avengers: Infinity War, Captain Marvel, Us, Avengers: Endgame, Parasite, It Chapter Two, Marriage Story, Uncut Gems, 1917, Black Widow, The Suicide Squad, Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings, Dune, Last Night in Soho, The Batman (2022), Everything Everywhere All at Once, X, The Northman, Top Gun: Maverick, Bullet Train, Barbarian, Pearl, M3GAN, Dungeons and Dragongs: Honor Among Thieves, Evil Dead Rise, Guardians of the Galaxy Vol 3., No Hard Feelings, Saltburn, Priscilla, Society of the Snow, Saw X, Leave the World Behind

i didn't analyse this by genre or anything, but i could -- so if you're interested lmk!

the 5 movies with the most different ratings between dan and phil

- Iron Man 2 (dan: 2, phil 3.5)

- The Greatest Showman (d: 2.5, p: 4)

- Malignant (d: 3, p: 4.5)

- Scream (2022) (d: 2.5, p: 4)

- Beau is Afraid (d: 3, p: 1.5)

Interesting that even though dan has more higher rated movies, 4/5 of these ones phil rated higher.

next, their 5-star movies

dan's five stars: 80

Alien, Empire Strikes Back, ET, Blade Runner, Gremlins, Back to the Future, Top Gun, Aliens, Stand by Me, The Grave of the Fireflies, My Neighbor Totoro, Back to the Future II, Home Alone, Silence of the Lambs, Beauty and the Beast, Aladdin, Jurassic Park, Nightmare Before Christmas, Schindler's List, Pulp Fiction, The Lion King, Toy Story, Fargo, Scream, The Fifth Element, Hercules, Neon Genesis Evangelion, Titanic, The Truman Show, The Matrix, Fight Club, Magnolia, The Emperor's New Groove, Donnie Darko, Moulin Rouge, Shrek, Spirited Away, Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring, Finding Nemo, Kill Bill, Oldboy, Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King, Shaun of the Dead, Kill Bill Vol. 2, Howl's Moving Castle, Revenge of the Sith, Brokeback Mountain, No Country for Old Men, The Dark Knight, Inception, Scott Pilgrim vs. the World, The Tree of Life, 21 Jump Street, The Avengers, Life of Pi, Skyfall, Under the Skin, Whiplash, Dawn of the Planet of the Apes, Interstellar, Mad Max: Fury Road, Sicario, The Hateful Eight, La La Land, Arrival, mother!, Blade Runner 2049, Avengers: Infinity War, First Man, The Favourite, The Lighthouse, Parasite, Midsommar, Uncut Gems, 1917, Dune, Everything Everywhere All at Once, Top Gun: Maverick, Oppenheimer, Poor Things

phil's five stars:

Star Wars (New Hope), Alien, ET, Gremlins, Back to the Future, Top Gun, Aliens, Home Alone, Silence of the Lambs, Jurassic Park, Pulp Fiction, The Lion King, Scream, The Fifth Element, Titanic, The Truman Show, The Matrix, Magnolia, Requiem for a Dream, Memento, Spirited Away, Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring, Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers, Kill Bill, Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King, Kill Bill Vol. 2, Howl's Moving Castle, The Dark Knight, Inception, Scott Pilgrim vs. the World, The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, 21 Jump Street, Interstellar, Mad Max: Fury Road, The Revenant, Arrival, Dunkirk, mother!, Blade Runner 2049, Avengers: Infinity War, Parasite, Uncut Gems, 1917, Dune, Everything Everywhere All at Once, Top Gun: Maverick, Terminator 2: Judgment Day, The Shawshank Redemption, Gladiator, Little Miss Sunshine

overlap: 39

Alien, ET, Gremlins, Back to the Future, Top Gun, Aliens, Home Alone, Silence of the Lambs, Jurassic Park, Pulp Fiction, The Lion King, Scream, The Fifth Element, Titanic, The Truman Show, The Matrix, Magnolia, Spirited Away, Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring, Kill Bill, Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King, Kill Bill Vol. 2, Howl's Moving Castle, The Dark Knight, Inception, Scott Pilgrim vs. the World, 21 Jump Street, Interstellar, Mad Max: Fury Road, Arrival, mother!, Blade Runner 2049, Avengers: Infinity War, Parasite, Uncut Gems, 1917, Dune, Everything Everywhere All at Once, Top Gun: Maverick

& their lowest rated movies...

dan: matrix resurrections (1) , thor: the dark world (1.5), the rise of skywalker (1.5)

phil: crimes of the future (1), attack of the clones (1.5), thor: the dark world (1.5), don’t look up (1.5), the matrix resurrections (1.5), doctor strange in the multiverse of madness (1.5), beau is afraid (1.5), black bear (1.5)

not even chris hemsworth could save thor the dark world, i guess (kat dennings, though…)

movies they logged on the same date:

note that this is like, non-exhaustive, because this is only based on their diaries that list the date. i think in reality they've watched most of these movies together. frequently dan logged a couple days after phil which aren’t shown here. procrastination queen

Pontypool, Eternals, The Northman, Nope, Barbarian, The Banshees of Inisherin, Glass Onion, The Super Mario Bros. Movie, Beau is Afraid, Guardians of the Galaxy Vol 3., Mission Impossible - Dead Reckoning Part One, Saltburn, Poor Things, Priscilla, Saw X, Leave the World Behind

movies that one logged and not the other:

dan but not phil: 85

The Exorcist, Stand by Me, The Grave of the Fireflies, Beauty and the Beast, Aladdin, Home Alone 2, Schindler's List, Fargo, Romeo & Juliet, Hercules, Men in Black, Neon Genesis Evangelion, The Mummy, The 13th Warrior, Fight Club, The Emperor's New Groove, Moulin Rouge, Shrek, Legally Blonde, Monsters, Inc, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone, Scooby-Doo, 28 Days Later, Matrix Reloaded, Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl, School of Rock, Matrix Revolutions, Saw, Shaun of the Dead, Shrek 2, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, Revenge of the Sith, The Devil Wears Prada, Borat, Casino Royale, No Country for Old Men, Death Proof, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, There Will Be Blood, Tropic Thunder, Slumdog Millionaire, Moon, District 9, Fantastic Mr. Fox, The King's Speech, We Need to Talk About Kevin, The Tree of Life, X-Men: First Class, Prometheus, Argo, Les Miserables, Django Unchained, World War Z, Pacific Rim, Under the Skin, 12 Years a Slave, American Hustle, The Babadook, The Lego Movie, x-Men: Days of Future Past, 22 Jump Street, Dawn of the Planet of the Apes, The Theory of Everything, Green Room, Sicario, Spotlight, The Big Short, 10 Cloverfield Lane, The Conjuring 2, Train to Busan, Hacksaw Ridge, Doctor Strange, Hidden Figures, Logan, You Were Never Really Here, Game Night, Isle of Dogs, First Man, The Ballad of Buster Scruggs, Suspiria, Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse, Glass, Hustlers, Pig, Violent Night

phil but not dan: 86

Jaws, The Terminator, Beetlejuice, Die Hard, Terminator 2: Judgment Day, Groundhog Day, The Shawshank Redemption, Leon: The Professional, The Usual Suspects, The Frighteners, The Sixth Sense, Being John Malkovich, American Beauty, The Green Mile, Gladiator, Catch Me if You Can, Elf, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, Little Miss Sunshine, Pan's Labyrinth, The Prestige, Zodiac, Spider-Man 3, Iron Man, Juno, Lake Mungo, Twilight, Zombieland, Kick-Ass, Brave, Evil Dead, The Great Gatsby, Now You See Me, Monsters University, Man of Steel, About Time, Dallas Buyers Club, Edge of Tomorrow, The Hunger Games: Mockingjay Part 1, The Hunger Games: Mockingjay Part 2, The Boy, Raw, Finding Dory, Suicide Squad, Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them, John Wick: Chapter 2, Lady Bird, The Ritual, Happy Death Day, Deadpool 2, Ocean's 8, Ant-Man and The Wasp, Bird Box, Booksmart, Crawl, Spider-Man: Far From Home, The Platform, Black Bear, Palm Springs, The Empty Man, The Innocents, Titane, Old, Free Guy, The Black Phone, Fresh, Watcher, Bodies Bodies Bodies, Ambulance, Aftersun, Crimes of the Future, Fall, Bones and All, The Menu, Sanctuary, Do Revenge, Smile, Hellraiser (2022), Mr. Harrigan's Phone, Plane, Missing, Infinity Pool, Past Lives, Knock at the Cabin, Scream VI

i’m interested to see how this varies by genre!

miscellaneous non-statistical things that made me parasocially emotional and/or laugh during this process:

they watched nope together on christmas eve 2022 <3

dan rated moulin rouge a 5 <3 nature boy <3

he also rated shrek a 5. of course. (valid).

4.5 from dan and 4 from phil from the notebook

5 from danny for brokeback mountain <3 and a 4.5 from philly

cmbyn, yes, has its issues, but dan rated 4.5 and phil 4

the shape of water got a 4.5 from monsterfucker phil lester (dan gave it a 4)

surprisingly phil rated rocketman higher than dan! surprising because dan liked so many musicals

dan gave hustlers a 3.5. i don't know why i think this is funny, but i do. phil doesn't have it logged or rated, lmao.

a 4 (d) and a 3.5 (p) for barbie!

phil gave twilight a 3. lol.

phil also gave do revenge only a 3.5. tragique.

phil watched a LOT of horror alone in october 2022 (aka while dan was on tour). anyway he's just like me <3

[hunn1e-bunn1e]

Aether - "Mysterious Adeptus, Sky Weaver"

🐇.•°•.🐇.•°•.🐇.•°•.🐇.•°•.🐇.•°•.🐇.•°•.🐇.•°•.🐇.

In which the Traveler and Paimon unknowingly come across a mysterious adeptus by the name of Sky Weaver while the two are exploring near the sparsely populated cliffsides of Mt. Mingyuan. Or; In which the long-forgotten tale of the adeptus Sky Weaver is uncovered by Aether from the lips of the various Adepti of the Nation of Liyue and the people who know them.

Prologue | Part 1 | (1.5) | Part 2 | (2.5) | Part 3 | (3.5) | Part 4 | (4.5) | Part 5 | (5.5) | Part 6 | (6.5) | Epilog | Extra 1 | Extra 2

                                                                                                   

🌠•♡•🌠•♡•🌠•♡•🌠•♡•🌠•♡•🌠•♡•🌠•♡•🌠

“Now that we've helped Fujin tend to the soil, Paimon has noticed that it's a lot prettier in Chenyu Vale.”  

The floating fairy-like creature chirps as she hovers along the dirt path by her blonde companion's side.

“Speaking of prettier things. Traveler, did you notice that the sky here in Chenyu Vale is much different from the skies in the rest of Liyue?”

The golden blonde next to her stops and turns his gaze onto her, raising a brow of skepticism. His eyes then raise to the darkened sky that hangs above them and take in the sight.

What Paimon said was true. The sky truly was different from the rest of Liyue and any other region that the two had visited so far. As it was night, the sky was a deep midnight blue with swirls of violet and turquoise that seemed to glow from within the cotton-like clouds that partially obscured and circled the shining white moon. Stars speckle the suspended landscape of night haphazardly, their droplets of white add an almost otherworldly quality to the already ethereal scene. And, of course, the faded silhouette of Celestia looms ominously in the distance, creeping north ever so slowly. It truly was unlike anything that Aether had ever seen before.

“That's–… how did I never notice it.”

The golden blonde mumbles as he looks up in wonder and amazement, but also confusion. 

Why was the sky in Chenyu Vale so drastically different from anywhere else? What was so different about this place? How was the sky this way in the first place? It was strange; like the sky was altered by something to be this way, and although Aether wanted to think that something like that was impossible, his expectations have been demolished and rebuilt countless times since he descended into Teyvat.

The small bob-haired fairy floated in front of his face and waved her arms about to attract his attention.

“Hey, if you're curious about the sky, why don't we head back to Yilong Wharf and ask the locals about it? Maybe if we're lucky we'll run into Cloud Retai– uhm… Xianyun again; she might know too!” 

Paimon suggests before turning and floating further down the dirt road toward their new destination.

“Hm.”  

Aether hums, giving a curt nod as he follows his guide back to the wharf.

“Uuugh! Paimon is so tired! Why is Chiwang Terrace so far from here anyway!? It's already daytime!”  

Paimon whines as she slowly floats along with her blonde companion at a snail's pace in a slumped-over position.

“How about we head over to Jiulue Teahouse? We can sit down and eat some of the local dishes then we can start asking around.”  

The outlander chuckles softly as he reaches over and pats the floating girl on the head in sympathy before grabbing her and carefully holding her under his arm. Paimon only sighs and gives her friend a nod as she's carried off in the direction of the teahouse. 

On their way over to one of the nearby stalls, Aether spots a storyteller on the outside stage; maybe this storyteller has a few tales about the skies here. Though, after a short deliberation, he lets his floating companion go and buy food for the two of them while he goes and speaks to the storyteller; with a reasonable allowance, lest the girl buy out the stall's entire stock and empty his mora pouch.

Once the two part ways, the golden blonde sees the older man leaving off the stage, seemingly emptied of his arsenal of tall tales. So he waves the man, who he learns is named Jiewu going by the nearby chatter of patrons, down.

“Excuse me! I know that you just got off the stage, but I was wondering if you had any stories about the skies of Chenyu Vale?”  

He asked straightforwardly; getting a comical sweat drop from the older man at his bluntness.

Jiewu mutters a bit as he pinches his chin between his thumb and forefinger; his crow's feet becoming more pronounced as he squints his eyes in thought. The older man takes a glance up at the magnificent sky with a bland expression, as if it were the most mundane thing that he'd ever seen before. It was almost as if he didn't notice anything significant at all. Strange.

“I can't say I have any stories about the sky, young man. I've no clue why you're interested in something like that, there's nothing very spectacular about the sky.”  

Jiewu confusedly drones out; raising a thick brow at the blonde and taking another glance at the sky above.

“Was there anything else you needed, young man? If I'm not home soon, my wife will have a fit”  

The older man asks in a still polite but slightly rushed tone, making it clear that he wanted the conversation to end quickly.

Aether only shakes his head and allows the man to take his leave. Turning around, he sees Paimon floating toward him with bagged food in hand and an annoyed expression on her face. He raises a brow at her, silently asking what was wrong.

“Paimon asked the stall owner about the sky while waiting for the food, but he only looked at Paimon with a weird face and said ‘there's nothing really special about the sky, is there?’. And the other people Paimon asked said something similar!”  

The floating girl loudly complains before digging her hands into the bag, pulling out a skewer of food and angrily chomping on it; letting out muffled mumbles about giving the stall owner an ugly nickname.

Aether only sighs as he motions for his fairy-like companion to follow him.

Their next stop: Mt. Mingyuan!

As the traveler scaled the cliffs of Mt. Mingyuan, he kept hearing the sound of a paper bag rustling and the unmistakable munching of food. A metaphorical vein bulged out on his temple as he whipped his head around to look at his floating guide.

“You— Paimon, give me the bag! If you eat everything again, I swear I'll feed you to a cryo slime!”  

Aether growled as he recklessly took one hand off the cliffside to swipe at the bag in Paimon's hands, the girl dodging every time.

Unfortunately, all the wild movements made him lose his foothold in the cliffside and sent him plummeting towards the ground below. In too much shock to deploy his wind glider, all the golden blonde could do was stare upwards at the screaming Paimon who too was frozen in fear. 

But then… on the wind, he heard a faint whisper of droplets landing on the surface of water…

From beneath him, Aether felt a soft embrace pushing him upwards; the quiet sounds of shifting waters made him look back. What he could only describe was a small cloud of heavy mist with a ring of water swirling around it. The strange cloud lifted him, and Paimon when it reached the height she was at, up and over the cliffside, where it then came to a stop and seemingly patiently waited for him to get off. 

The golden blonde shakily stumbled off of the helpful cloud and fell on his bottom on the grassy cliff top. His heart beat erratically and his whole body trembled as the adrenaline finally caught up with him. He didn't even register the tearful apologies of his floating friend as she hugged him and sobbed into his chest.

“...One did not think that mortals had become so foolish over such a short time…”  

A gentle voice softly whispered from a place that Aether couldn't locate.

“...You shall consider yourself lucky that one was present to witness your fall, lest you no longer be among the living…”  

The voice spoke familiarly; it reminded Aether of how Xianyun and the other adeptus spoke. Surely this voice must belong to another adeptus that he just hadn't met yet.

“...Descend the mountain and return to a safer location, the cliffs of Mt. Mingyuan are no place for young mortals like yourself…”  

The voice spoke again, this time though, it seemed to be coming from the cloud that saved him from his fall. With every syllable pronounced, the cloud of mist gave off a faint but ethereal glow in a medley of colors. Colors that were reminiscent of the night sky that he had seen just yesterday.

Breaking from his adrenaline-fueled trance, Aether shakily gets to his feet and takes the still-sobbing Paimon into his arms. He spared a glance back at the cloud, tempted to stay and ask it about its possible connection to the mysterious skies that he had been wondering about, but one look at the disheveled companion in his arms and he knew his answer. He'd have to worry about that later, his dear friend needs him right now.

“Can… Can I ask you for your name?”  

The golden blonde asked, almost sounding as if he was begging with how his voice trembled.

“...One's name should be of no concern to you at this time; you must go now…”

The ‘cloud’ softly answered back, as if it were trying to coax a sleepy child back into a dream.

With that answer, Aether nodded and headed down the mountain with careful and measured steps, occasionally giving quick glances down at the sleeping Paimon's tear-stained face. He sighs, perhaps he can just ask about this mysterious adeptus another time, he has much more important things to worry about now.

🌠•♡•🌠•♡•🌠•♡•🌠•♡•🌠•♡•🌠•♡•🌠•♡•🌠

🐇.•°•.🐇.•°•.🐇.•°•.🐇.•°•.🐇.•°•.🐇.•°•.🐇.•°•.🐇.

Wanna see similar content? Check out my Genshin Masterlist and my Series Masterlist!

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[thesassypadawan]

Puck Slut 1 (Hayden x FemReader)

Summary: It’s yours and Hayden’s favorite time of the nhl season, when your teams faceoff against one another.  The usual bet is in place, loser wears the winner’s team shirt and makes breakfast tomorrow.  This time though there’s the new, more interesting twist of…fun and cum.

Warnings: 18+ (minors dni), because there sooo much of the smut.  Hockey, cockwarming, and Hayden’s big dick.

Notes: Hope you lovelies also enjoy Puck Slut .5, Puck Slut 2, and Puck Slut 3.5!

Also, if you can figure out what team the Leafs played (because this was a real game)…then you are my hero and you now know my favorite team.  I’ll give you all some hints.  The Leafs played them in December and that really was the final score....7-0. 

*Pregame*

- First of all, no hockey game would be complete without a tray of delicious snacks and some cold drinks. Especially one filled with all of Hay’s faves.

- “Aw, babe, you’re too good to me.” He would say all cutely, while popping a salty treat into his mouth.

- “Figured it would help cushion the blow when the Leafs lose.” You’d tease, turning his hat backwards…because he looks so damn good with it like that.

- Gives your butt a playful smack. “Oh, yeah, we’ll see who’s wearing the winning team’s shirt and making breakfast tomorrow.”

- Grabbing something tasty yourself, you’d oh so gracefully plop down on the couch beside him. “Speaking of, I’d like pancakes with some bacon.”

- You bet Hayden’s going to snatch that real quick from your hand for that snippy comment. Rude.

- But then he’d be all sweet and smooth, kissing your cheek and pulling you into his lap…your favorite seat to watch the game in. “So…care to make this game more interesting?”

- Besides getting to have his famous choco ‘cakes and seeing him parade around in your t-shirt (more like a crop top on Hay)…. All right, you’ll bite. “What did you have in mind?”

*Game Time*

- Normally you’d really be into the game. Cheering, hollering, cursing, the whole nine yards. But it’s kind of difficult to do so when your team hadn’t scored a single goal and…you were being split open by Hayden’s massive cock.

- You weren’t allowed to move or even try to soothe that burning ache deep inside of you. That was the rules, he said. Only when your team scored where you able to have some “fun and cum”.

- The third period had just started with the Leafs up by five and you had figured by now Hay would have ‘funned and cummed’ that many times. Nope, not that case.

- Sure, he would rock his hips slowly back and forth. Occasionally buck upwards, lazily thrusting even deeper inside your pussy whenever the siren sounded. But that’s as far as it went.

- You would wiggle and whimper. Begging Hayden to stop teasing as your walls fluttered desperately around him. “Please, Hay. Pretty please.”

- He’d just wrap his arm around your waist and hold you tightly against his chest. Making small talk about the game and feeding you snacks. Acting like nothing was wrong, like you weren’t drenching the base of his cock and sweats.

*Postgame*

- At last the final buzzer rang and the game ended, not before the Leafs scored another two goals.

- You’d sit there, shifting your hips impatiently and pouting up at him. “Come on, Haaay.”

- Hayden would flash you that panty dropping smile, he loves hearing you say his name like that…all needy and desperate. His big hands rub your sides soothingly, cooing in your ear. “What is it, angel? You want me to fuck you?”

- Nodding weakly, you’d squeeze around his cock and mewl. “Please, can’t last any longer.”

- His hands trail down to your hips. Giving them a firm squeeze, Hay would growl. “This is where the fun begins.”

- You were soooo making fun of him later for that. Right now though, all you could focus on was the way he slid you up and down his length quickly. Hitting that one spot inside you perfectly, making you see stars.

- Bouncing you effortlessly on his lap, with you crying out his name over and over again. Hayden’s grip would tighten as his pace becomes harsh. “That’s it, let everyone know who fucks you this good.”

- Your legs give out as the dam inside you finally breaks, clenching around his fat cock hard.

- Hay keeps up his relentless pace through your climax. Coming undone with a heavy groan. Hips faltering as he shot hot ropes of cum into your needy pussy.

- Laying your head against his shoulder, your hand tangling in his curls. The two of you took a moment to catch your breath.

- Once the feeling returns to your legs, you move to stand up. But Hayden’s arms tighten around you once more. “Where you going, puck slut? I only got to fun and cum once…and the Leafs scored seven goals.”

- Your cunt clenches around him and you let a small whine. It’s going to be a long postgame.

*Post Postgame*

- You don’t know how, but you were actually not only able to stand…you were also able to walk the next morning.

- So there you were, hovering over the stove. Busily making Hay’s victory breakfast, while wearing his very oversized Leafs shirt.

- Hayden comes up behind, wearing only his Leafs boxers. He presses against you, one hand resting on your hip and the other snaking under your shirt to give your breast a quick squeeze. “You know, my little puck slut, we play against each other again in April.”

- You shiver at his touch and from anticipation, a wicked smile spreading across your face. “Look forward to it…because that’s where the fun begins.”

- You got a hard pinch for that…worth it.

[pityroadart]

👁 CUSTOM EYE PAINTING COMMISSIONS 👁

Realised I'm gonna have too much month at the end of my money, BUT I have time to take on a handful of eye commissions - something I've not offered publicly for over a year!

I WILL PAINT:

your favourite F1 or sports person; Star Trek or Good Omens characters; your favourite film or TV show blorbo(s); yourself and/or your partner/friend/family member etc; in short, any eye you fancy!

I REQUIRE:

clear reference(s) that include the whole eye & eyebrow — ideally high res or close-ups if from TV/film, multiple references are always helpful if it's a person/character I'm not familiar with. I'm always down to help find references!

if taking your own references, please use the back camera (rather than selfie camera) of your phone, and take pictures in natural light (stand near a window ideally)

YOU WILL RECIEVE:

the physical painting AND a digital copy for personal use (as an icon, etc although I appreciate credit if posting online).

Paper options:

2.5 x 3.75" rectangle on smooth (hot press) or lightly textured (cold press) paper

approx. 3.5" square on smooth (hot press) or lightly textured (cold press) paper

custom size paper if you have a miniature frame/locket/etc you'd like to fill (I will paint to a rectangle/square size and you can trim the painting to fit)

Left: cold press (textured) subtle natural paper texture shows up watercolour granulation better. Right: hot press (smooth) gives smoother washes.

All paintings created using professional grade watercolours with a high lightfastness.

PRICE:

1 eye - £15 (plus shipping)

discounts available for sets of 2/3/4/etc

payment required upfront before I start work on your painting

payment via PayPal

TURNAROUND TIME:

on average 1-2 weeks, although provided I have the free time I usually get them done within a couple days and sent out within a week. Feel free to ask if you have a specific deadline and I'll see what I can do

SHIPPING:

paintings will be shipped as a 'large letter' meaning shipping costs should be reasonable (on average £5 - £8, but actual cost depends on your country). Happy to ship internationally wherever I'm able. I am based in the UK.

TO ORDER:

shoot me a message (DM) on here!

ANY FURTHER QUESTIONS:

comment or send me a message/ask!

PLEASE NOTE:

these paintings work slightly differently to traditional commissions in that, since it normally takes me one sitting to paint them, I won't be asking for approval after every step. Instead it works as follows:

We decide on an eye and find references; confirm paper, colour palette, etc

I do the rough pencil sketch and show you to confirm

I paint the eye

Ta-dah! You recieve your painting

[thegreatstoryteller]

Body Swap N’B

Welcome to Body Swan N’B! The premiere destination for all your body swap needs! We all know traveling can be hard. Booking flights, booking travel, and most importantly those outrageous prices. Don’t worry. We’re here with the solution! Why go to those snobby body swap hotels, when you can swap from the comfort of your own living room right into the amazing destination of our choice. Our list of thousands of home owners want YOU to take their body out for a spin from the comfort of THEIR own home. 

Choose between a collection of countless locations and individuals of your choosing. Want to cruise in the Caribbean as a local? Want to sample authentic Parisian cuisine as a refined food connoisseur? How about ride the Texan planes as a real cowboy!? All of that is possible and more with Body Swap N’B! Don’t believe us? Just listen to our satisfied customers

Reviews:

DisneyDad85: 2 out of 5 stars. 

My family and I were planning a trip to Disney and I wanted to find somewhere close to the park. The location was just as promised, a 3 bedroom with a great view. The bodies were not what I expected. I assumed when the listing described a “great way to enjoy the best parts of youth” that we’d be given some family friendly bodies. Not some local young men who were rooming together. I guess “young” is relative as my eldest boy found himself in the most mature body.  Being slightly overweight was new for him as he was always so nerdy and skinny. And as always, on his phone talking to his friends bragging about his new body. 

He loves being the oldest and eating whatever he wants without worry of food allergy. I told him that he wouldn’t like it if he had to worry about all that weight he’s putting on his new body later, but he doesn’t listen. 

Then there was my youngest! He loved the vintage aesthetic to the rooms we were given and he couldn’t stop playing with the phones there. 

He was certainly happy that he was tall enough to ride all the rides at the park, but I did not like how he was now able to consume all the alcohol at the various bars around the area. But being 6′7 and confident, it’s no like anyone would think to card him. Meanwhile I was now the only one of our party not old enough to drink only being 20 years old! Gosh… maybe I shouldn’t have snuck into that bar on the final day of the trip. I can’t believe I drunkenly renewed our vacation for next year! Still trying to contact customer support to discuss cancellation!

Overall good vacation, but just make sure you inquire about the bodies before making a big trip. I still feel just like the reckless 20 year old I was a few days ago. Almost like I’m still on vacation… maybe another trip will do us some good in the near future. 

AlwysABridesMaid: 3.5 out of 5 stars

So I like to imagine myself being very open minded when it comes to these swaps and vacations! I’ve tried out loads of these vacations with my girlfriends  and I when we did sorority parties in college! However, I’ve got to say this is the first time me AND my entire party ended up as ALL guys. Normally it wouldn’t be an issue as we love exploring new experiences and locations, but I don’t think my best friend the bride envisioned being surrounded by a bunch of hairy men during her wedding ceremony. That’s right every single one of her bridesmaids were now half a foot taller and a lot more manly than she expected. I’m mostly mad that I couldn’t fit into our tailor made dress. That being said, the wedding still went off without a hitch! We had so much fun doing spa days, bachelorette parties, and the actual day of wedding in our new bodies despite the small hiccup. 

Would I do this again? Definitely given a heads up about the party. But now that I’m intimately aware of some new male physiology I’d definitely like to try it again. The best man certainly wants to do some more exploration with me after last night. Anyway, has anyone ever heard of the so called “side effects” people keep referring to? The bridesmaids and I all found ourselves inside these book smart engineers and now I feel like my IQ is through the roof. All the girls and I can do at the nail salon is just gab about research papers, new theorems, and the latest technological marvels making the news!

WifeGuy88: 1 out of 5 stars

I swear I’m a feminist. Gotta get that out there before I say that I’m not sure my wife and I should do another of these trips. I heard that there used to be lots of safety procedures when it came to these swaps, but I recently heard that unlike Swap Hotels, they do not have to cover any kinds of safety or ethical costs associated with normal swapping. 

I’m getting ahead of myself. The reason I’m not jazzed about Body Swap N’ B is because… I was a bit jealous my wife was bigger than me…. I know we booked a room for a loving couple…. But I didn’t expect both pairs of that couple to be male. Being a former college athlete and finding myself in a 5 foot nothing twink was a big enough shock.

 But when my wife came stomping in from the other room as a big mass of hair and muscle… well let’s just say that weekend went very differently than I imagined… It all feels like such a blur…. And my ass is still sore…

But no! I’m leaving this as a warning. There are reviews saying your mind thinks differently after the swaps and that some people are claiming they are stuck in those bodies longer than they like! Also my girlfiend signed us up for another trip and due to their zero cancellation policy I know we’re gonna be there sooner than later if things go their way! Not that I mind…. I rather liked being thrown around by a larger man for a change… I’m sure it’s gonna be a lot of fun… but that doesn’t take away from the fact that this company can’t keep getting away with this. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to find my wife some new male outfits that she wants to try for our next vacation. 

BenTheOrganizer: 5 out of 5 stars

Great for family reunions! 

Normally I was the one that plans all these big family events. Criticism here and there about this location being too hot, too cold, or too far. But hey! Finally got a family gathering we can get behind! Who would’ve thought that it was when my entire family were in the body of one of the biggest college fraternities in the state! Turns out aunt Marjorie doesn’t have time to comment on my lack of partner when she’s doing a keg stand while uncle Larry cheers her on. Turns out cousin Jeremiah can’t brag about making partner as his law firm when he can finally cut loose dancing to some music! Racist grandpa Marvin won’t be making any problematic remarks about minorities when he’s enjoying his big black body so much. And the younger second cousins aren’t nearly as annoying when you can share some beers with them while we all test out our new muscles in the frat’s personal gym. 

My parents were surprisingly the most into the idea. My mom and dad are some of the most heteronormative couples I know but it wasn’t 5 minutes before someone found them making out the frat house locker room. They kept saying it wasn’t gay if it was two bros, but I don’t think any amount of “No Homo” could save face there. Especially when they were caught a few hours later doing the same thing.

As for me… well maybe I put myself into the hottest guy there, the frat president, on purpose when I filled in the special requests portion.  But hey. I think I  deserve it for a job well done. In fact as I’m writing this review I’m still in his body! After all thanks to the “Extend your Stay” option, we were able to  extend our swap vacation for another 2 weeks.  Maybe if this continues going so well I can talk to the company about having us keep these bodies.  I don’t think my entire family can go back to their old lives when they are loving being loud, raucous, muscle heads every day of the week. Now if you’ll excuse me I’ve got another frat party to plan. Thanks Body Swap N’ B!

Body Swap And Breakfast is not liable for any lasting physical, mental or reality changes. Any long lasting development of new abilities or attributes that is shared with a previous swapped body please contact your doctor. Body Swap And Breakfast is not affiliated with Swap Hotel and its affiliates.

Book your Body Swap N’ B vacation with us today!

[quoteablebooks]

Genre: Fiction, Adult, Paranormal, Romance

Rating: 3.5 out of 5

Content Warning: Sexual content, Blood, Kidnapping, Confinement

Summary:

Cassie Greenberg loves being an artist, but it’s a tough way to make a living. On the brink of eviction, she’s desperate when she finds a too-good-to-be-true apartment in a beautiful Chicago neighborhood. Cassie knows there has to be a catch—only someone with a secret to hide would rent out a room for that price.

Of course, her new roommate Frederick J. Fitzwilliam is far from normal. He sleeps all day, is out at night on business, and talks like he walked out of a regency romance novel. He also leaves Cassie heart-melting notes around the apartment, cares about her art, and asks about her day. And he doesn’t look half bad shirtless, on the rare occasions they’re both home and awake. But when Cassie finds bags of blood in the fridge that definitely weren’t there earlier, Frederick has to come clean...

Cassie’s sexy new roommate is a vampire. And he has a proposition for her.

*Opinions*

Tl:dr - Absolutely delightful and compulsively readable rom-com 

This is another social media influence and I needed a bit of a palate cleanser after a couple of fantasy novels back to back. I then proceeded to read this entire novel in two days and had a wonderful time with it. If you want a romance with a strong plot, this is not the book for you, but if you want a story that reads like a 90s sitcom romance, complete with scenes that feel as if they should have a laugh track in the background, I would recommend this novel highly. As I said above, it was extremely delightful. 

As one might guess from the title My Roommate is a Vampire, the plot of this novel revolves around Cassie Greenburg responding to a too-good-to-be-true ad for a roommate on Craig’s list and moving in with a centuries-old vampire, though she is unaware of that at the time. Part of the charm of this novel is that the reader is well aware that Fredrick is a vampire, so watching Cassie navigate his interesting personality quirks is more endearing than the reader screaming at her to see all the signs. I also appreciate that Levine also had the big vampire reveal about 35% into the novel. After that, it is a series of rather comical scenes of Cassie attempting to teach Fredrick about the 100 years of etiquette that he missed while he was asleep. Again, the plot in this is very light and it is more watching Cassie and Fredrick dance around each other while denying what they feel for one another. The ending was highly ridiculous, but somehow fit the overall tone of the novel so it didn’t bother me too badly. 

Cassie is a rather relatable character in a romance, which I appreciate. She is in her late 20s, early 30s creative that is cobbling together part-time jobs in an attempt to survive while working on her art. She takes public transportation, collects trash for her multimedia art, and lets her attraction to Fredrick cloud her judgment on a couple of occasions. While her bad past with a couple of other relationships is hinted at, whatever happened in those relationships is never elaborated on in this novel. I like how her story ended, but it was a little too butterflies and rainbows that I would usually enjoy. However, this whole book was just so lovely that it was the perfect ending. 

We get to know very little about Fredrick other than the text messages and journal entries that are at the beginning of the chapters. He was a bit more of a caricature than an actual character except when he is being exceptionally sincere with Cassie. He is so interested in learning about her art and praising her for things that she doesn’t see in herself that it is swoon-worthy. Now, I heard rumors that this might have started as a Reylo fic, but truly I didn’t see it in the relationship. I did not picture Adam Driver when reading Fredrick’s description other than the focus on how large his hands are, which seems to be a physical attribute that Reylo writers seem to focus on. Well, that and how large his chest was, but that can be any male love interest. 

The romance between the two of them was rather sweet, though not super deep. The first time they kissed and the makeout session in the bathroom had me kicking my feet in excitement. Again, as this is a lighter romance, the discussion of immortality and its complications were glossed over. Also, there is no lore given for vampires and only a vague mention of some of the rules around them. Still, there was something charming about Cassie’s unending patience and Fredricks's earnest love of her that I couldn’t stop reading. The way that Fredrick’s need for blood and the sex scenes were handled was also done well. 

Overall, this is a fun and light read that is light on plot but still a compelling read. Levine hints in the novel that there might be a companion with Reginald and his human accountant, but I am not sure I care enough about Reginald to check it out. This is a 3.5 read rounded down to a 3 because while I really enjoyed it at the moment I read it, I doubt a lot of it will stick with me and this is probably not a story I would read again. Still, I highly recommend this if you like romances and enjoy a story that doesn’t take itself too seriously. 

[clarislam]

Book Review: "Untouched" by Ana Dee

Looking for some romantic #poetry this Valentine's Day? Check out "Untouched" by Ana Dee! #Untouched #AnaDee #poetry #poetrycollection #bookreview

I’m back with another book review, and this time I’m reviewing “Untouched” by Ana Dee! This is a poetry collection, and it’s been a while since I reviewed any. So, I figured, why not read and review this one? Here’s a quick summary so we know what it’s about: “Ana Dee’s highly anticipated debut poetry collection, Untouched, is a testament to the beauty of love and its ability to inspire art and…

[phoenixspencer]

The Serpent's Kiss (1997)

Ewan McGregor as Maneer Chrome

Watched July 4th, 2022

[faunandfloraas]

Literally nothing fucks me up like comments on a recipe being like "I totally changed 75% of the ingredients, cooked it in the oven rather than the stove top and also doused it in big mac sauce for some reason but have to say the recipe is alright! 3.5 out of 5 stars :)" Like babe you made up a totally new recipe at that point. your commentary is unhelpful here.

[pandulce135]

Hi hi! Can I ask for Donatello x a fem reader who finds out this normally goofy and bubbly cinnamon roll is actually really smart, but has been hiding it because she's worried that people won't like it? Can either be friends to lovers or established relationship, go wild!

Notes: It's been a month but I finally did it! I really did my best here, I kind of struggled but like, I hope I can get at least a 3.5 stars out of 5 haha. I'm gonna start naming my fics like early 2000's FOB songs starting now.

Warnings: reader labeled as 'stupid' and 'dumb,' acceptance of a negative role, reader looked down upon, not really proofread, lmk if I need to add anything else.

Word Count: 1.8k

~~~~~

So Smart, So Dumb: The Role That Was Given

You bounded into the Lair of your turtle friends. A soft smile was planted on your lips as you made the walk through the dim and, quite frankly, disgusting sewers. Not that you would expect them to be clean by any means. Just a few years ago, you never imagined yourself taking frequent walks through the underground tunnels of trash water to get to your friends. Now you knew these tunnels like the back of your hand, not that you’ve made it all that obvious.

There were subtle things you did that made both your book smarts and street smarts nearly unknown to your friends. Mikey seemed to be the only one to begin to pick up on your small habits. How you always hung around in the middle of the group when walking through the sewers but knowing where each path led, your seemingly limitless questions about Donnie’s tech and the Hidden City, how you even asked questions to no one just to realize you knew the answer all along, and how you knew completely random fun facts. You even Googled a large number of ‘how to’s recently. Sure, there were things here and there that you genuinely didn’t know, but now you had the reputation of ‘pretty and pretty stupid.’

Less work for your brain when in life or death situations. That was arguably the smartest move of all- to work smarter, not harder. You nearly laughed when you thought that.

It may have bordered on manipulation, but what the turtles and April didn’t know won’t hurt them.

It wasn’t long until you finally made it to the Lair. The opening that held the boys’ huge skate ramps and was their general hangout spot held three of the four turtles. You spotted Leo lounging on the beanbag reading a comic, Raph was doing a set bicep curls on his bench, and Mikey was laying on his plastron and doodling away in his sketchbook. The youngest was the first to notice your arrival.

“Hi, Y/N!” He smiled his big goofy smile in your direction, which caused your own smile to grow.

“Hi, guys!” You waved enthusiastically.

“Y/N! What are you doing here?” Raph put down his dumbbell with a grunt before turning to face you.

Leo chuckled, his eyes not moving away from the comic. “They’re obviously here to see Donnie.” The smirk in his voice was as clear as day and you couldn’t help but let out a nervous laugh. Your hands flew to hold onto each other behind your back as you rocked back and forth from your toe to your heel.

“He said he needed help with something he’s working on.”

There was a pause before all three of the turtles in front of you bursted out laughing, halting your movements. You watched as they laughed at the thought of you actually being of use to Donnie. Sure it was an assumption on the situation, but there’s not much else it could be.

They finally finished, each of them wiping away a stray tear. “Hardy har. I’m glad I could be amusing to you boys, but I have to go before Don starts spamming me with texts.” As if on cue, your phone buzzed in your back pocket. You pulled it out and looked down at it. Sure enough, it was him. You faced the screen to the boys. “That’s my cue! Have fun doing… whatever.”

You entered Don’s lab just as another message was sent through to your phone. “Don, I’m here,” you announced with a chuckle, which caused him raise his head from what he was working on on his desk to you.

“I heard you speaking with my brothers, but I needed you here urgently.” He was suddenly standing and moved away to focus on a few pieces of material on the table behind him. Some thick pieces of metal.

“My normal job?”

“Yes, your normal job.”

Your normal job was handing him the tools he asked for. When you first started this for him he assumed you would know nothing about the tools he was working with. He was shocked when you were able to differentiate the phillip screwdriver from the flathead and star. At that point, you had earned the title of ‘the dumb one’ but said you were willing to help him. No one else volunteered so he cut his losses and allowed you to help him.

So, you made your way over to his desk to sit down on his massive chair. You were the only one allowed to sit in it. It was like a reward for helping him out.

“So, whatcha workin’ on?” You asked as you spun around in the chair in half circles, bouncing side to side with the help of your feet as stoppers.

“Oh, only my next big scientific advancement. Once I finish up this bad boy, I’ll be the next Einstein with my own Nobel Prize!” Donnie exclaimed, holding out his hand for a tool. “The drill please.” You spun in your chair to grab the drill off of his desk and set it to the forward option. You pressed the trigger twice quickly to make sure it functioned before handing it to Donnie.

His response didn’t answer your question, so you looked down at the construction drawing on Donnie’s desk. It was for the piece of machinery he seemed to have his mind set on building. It didn’t even have a title. A glance at the materials and measurements made you furrow your eyebrows.

“Don, I don’t think your measurements are right. Are you sure you measured everything correctly?” You asked, not moving your gaze away from the paper. You started working on your own measurements on the sheet of material next to you.

Donnie produced a loud gasp from somewhere behind you. “You dare doubt my measurements?” He sounded utterly shocked and nearly betrayed. “Scoff! When will you learn, I am always precise and correct when it comes to such-”

“You didn’t take into account the actual width of the material in your measurements,” you cut him off to show him the numbers you produced. You noted how his eyebrow twitched and how his stance stiffened as soon as you spoke over him. “Sorry I cut you off, but you probably wouldn’t have let me show you otherwise.”

Upon processing your words, Donnie let out a breath and loosened up. “Fine, let me take a look.” He snatched the papers from your grasp peered down at them. His eyes narrowed at the one with your measurements before widening slightly. “Wait a minute.” With movements so fast you could hardly register them, Donnie grabbed a measuring tape to measure the width of the material. “Holy mackerel, you’re right!”

You laughed at his reaction. “Don’t act so shocked, Don. It was an easy mistake to fix, and an even easier one to make. I’m glad I was able to look it over.”

“You act like you’ve made the same mistake before.”

“Adding measurements together in a workshop environment is difficult sometimes,” you sighed but you shot him a smile anyways. “But you’re doing amazing, sweaty.”

“Oh, shut up.” He couldn’t help but smile at your words. You noticed how you seemed to have such an effect on him. “You’re a lot smarter than you let on.”

“Yeah, that’s the goal.” You laughed as you leaned back in his chair and he furrowed his drawn on eyebrows at you.

“Wait, wait, wait… what?” He dropped what he was working on. “You were just acting stupid this whole time?”

“I have a reputation to uphold. ‘Pretty and pretty dumb,’ right?” You began swinging your feet back and forth. You noticed as Donnie tensed up again. “You guys aren’t able to stay quiet about anything.” You laughed out again, but it was obvious that is was more forced. “Plus, it’s just easier to do as told than come up with any plan in a life or death situation. It wasn’t that I was like, playing you guys or anything. I was just… filling in the role you guys gave me. I think I did a pretty good job.” You gasped. “Oh, I could totally be an actor, what do you think?” You looked at him with raised eyebrows and an expectant gaze.

“What do I think? I think you’ve had plenty of opportunities to show us how smart you are and prove us all wrong! Why on Galileo’s good Earth would you not do that?” Donnie nearly shouted and you frowned. “I, personally, would not stand that!”

“I’m not you, Donnie,” you stated blankly, a firmness taking hold in your voice. Donnie grew physically uneasy. “The reputation stuck. I didn’t want to deal with the aftermath of such a revelation. Especially now. It’s easier to just… let you guys think I’m a silly, goofy idiot.” You ran a hand down your face. “Let’s be honest, it was so much easier for me, the most.”

“Oh…”

“Oh,” you mocked. “It’s such a shocking revelation that I’m decently smart, I know,” a sarcasm seeped its way through your voice as you leaned your elbow on the arm of Donnie’s chair. Your head rested on in your hand. “Let’s just… get back to work on your ‘next big scientific advancement.’” You turned in the chair to face the tools again.

There were a few seconds of silence before he spoke up. “No.” You sat up straight at Donnie’s word.

“What?”

“Let’s do something else.”

You turned around to see the materials that were supposed to be used to create scientific greatness were all discarded on the table that was now behind Donnie. He stood in front of your sitting form and planted both hands on the arms of the chair.

“How about pizza and a movie? My treat.”

You raised an eyebrow as you stared up at Donnie. “Really?” You suddenly smiled. “You sure it’s not just an apology?”

He pulled away from the chair and turned to the the side with his arms crossed over his plastron. “Psh, as if… maybe… it is…n’t.”

“Oh, Donnie!” You gushed as you clasped your hands together, most of your negative emotions left in few seconds of the past. “So you can be thoughtful!”

“Hey, I’ll show you thoughtful!”

“Really?”

“Let’s just go, you dum dum,” Donnie grumbled out with flushed cheeks before pulling you out of the chair and dragging you out of his lab. “And yeah, I guess it’s my way of saying sorry,” he muttered, holding onto your hand with a tight grip as you followed him.

Your soft smile returned to your lips. “Thanks, Don.”