don't know why i even bother. (vent sideblog, most posts are untagged)
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18 y/o me would have their jaw on the fucking ground with the knowledge they ran away from home and has been slowly driving their life onwards three years later lol
things are slowly moving for the better despite having to work through quite a bit of stuff still :>
#whispers in the void#i havent used this blog in quite a while so uhm mini update moment!#im still not 100% okay but in comparision to daily panic attacks and emotional + physical abuse from my parents... girl... i am rebirthed
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I am only living for the convenience of others.
#honestly at this point the only thing keeping me from doing something stupid is the thought of what they would do. how would they react.#i dont want to make others sadder and burden them with something like that#but tbf even that is slipping from me now#nothing will ever get better and im useless so guess we rot away
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i’m so discouraged. i thought things would have changed by now. but i’m stuck. and it feels like i’ll be stuck forever.
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i’m simply not the type of person people fall for.
my words convince no one. my aura doesn’t enchant or seduce. my intellect doesn’t astound. nothing about me captivates others or demands their attention.
i’m a fool all the way through.
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“I always thought it’s gonna be better when I’m older, when I’m 16, when I’m 18, when I’m 20, when I find love, when I’m able to work, when I live on my own. I’m older but I’m not ready for life. I’m done with it. I skipped the part between growing up and waiting for death.”
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when you’re the only/eldest daughter and have become your mom’s sole confidant for her trauma and you know that’s unhealthy but you never set up proper boundaries but simultaneously you wish you could be that open with her about your life but you know you can’t and it wouldn’t end well if you did
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it's so clear i'm a burden why haven't i just packed my bags and gone already. why do i care so much still, it's frustrating seeing things go up and the plummet down moments after. i can't stay here i don't want tobstay here anymore i jsut can't. i'm also fucjing hurting but oh well let's suck it up bc i'm not allowed to feel bad in here!
#whispers in the void#once again i an proving myself i shoukd have ended it all 3 years ago.#i won't eve r be happy nor a functioning member or society so who cares. literally who gives a fuck.#fucj this
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small-ish update since i havemt used this blig in like. a year or so.
Things got better only to plummet down again, i won't get into detail over it since it will only make me extremely anxious. The pandemic is also taking a toll since we can't go out at all and i unfortunately crave human contact like a starving dog, on the brighter side things seem to be slowly starting to look up again but anxiety and fear still linger on me way too much, hopefully therapy may help me somewhat i guess. Ah well idk im just in a weird state of mind, kinda hopeful but also deathly afraid of it all going wrong, its hell </3
#whispers in the void#felt like writing a little on gere lmao#here*#despite no one following my vent sideblog yeah abfhvsfnsbf#idk guess we'll wait and see. im just mainly tired of staying home all day but what can we do its a pandemic babey
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its getting bad again
#whispers in the void#i should have ended it in 2018#idk why i keep chasing this fucking pipe dream that one day it will all be okay#its never happening lmao#im 18 already. i take responsability for what i will or will not do with my life#if i want to end it so fucking be it leave me alone#its not like id be missed either way so what fucking ever
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next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
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intrusive thoughts back at it telling me to insult the only friends i got and cut myself again! fun!
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so i overheard my parents talking and seems like i was an "unwanted child" on my father's side! well i'm fucking sorry for existing! i did not ask to have a selfish drunk fuck for a father either! or to even be born at all!
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its ya boy back at it again with the isolation babey
#whispers in the void#on god i feel like people dont care at all about whatever im talking about#like in a groupchat i just feel like everything i say is either ignored or not interesting and that kills me lmao#like people dont need to reply to me if they dont want to. no biggie#but this has been going on for a while and i??? dont fucking know what to do???#like what the fuck yall want me to do?? if anything its for the best i start talking less and less#like even when im fucking venting i feel ignored#and whenever its someone else venting they all usually reply to them and im just like lol ok i see how it is#anyways its 3am and im probs overthinking a lot#sorry for this
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when you’re the only/eldest daughter and have become your mom’s sole confidant for her trauma and you know that’s unhealthy but you never set up proper boundaries but simultaneously you wish you could be that open with her about your life but you know you can’t and it wouldn’t end well if you did
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