#205 live imagine

[carnalcervidae]

Ok imagine this. You’re chatting online with a gainer and they say they really want to be 300 pounds. Pretty good goal weight. The post a lot about how they want to be massive, constantly listing people who are 500 lbs as “goals”, and such. Nothing out of the ordinary. You tease him and motivate him to gain more and more. All goes well. He’s eating massive portions, you watch him earn extra stretch marks, etc. Until one day he tells you he’s disappointed with how slow his gains have been.

He keeps hearing other gainers talk about gaining 2 pounds a week, and he can only manage that much in about two months. He says he’s eating 5000 calories a day and doesn’t know what he’s doing wrong, that he’s only 189 pounds. Looking at his pictures, you’d think he’d have to be extremely short to only weigh that much. At his size he looks bigger than any 300 pound man you’ve seen. You try to keep him motivated and tell him to maybe shake up what he’s eating to be more fattening. Try more carbs, more fats, fry your veggies in butter and cream, etc. Try this 4000 calorie gainer shake every day, i’ll send you extra money for treats.

He finally hits 200 pounds, and he’s looking unbelievably massive. He says he’s proud of where he’s at and feels massive, didn’t expect such a small number to weigh him down so much. He says he’s broken furniture and has nearly gotten too big for the shower door. You compare this to your own 270 pound ass, and it’s like he’s living on a different, much tinier planet or something. But he’s huge! He’s like twice your size! Then something occurs to you. You can’t believe you never asked. You ask, was he weighing himself in pounds or in kilograms? He says, there’s a difference? I thought pounds was just english for kilo, he says. You say they’re different scales entirely, that a pound weighs less than a kilo. You ask him how much he weighs. He says 205 “pounds”. You ask him to figure out if his scale ways in pounds or kilos. Kilos, he says, it’s written on the back. You do the math for him. You say he’s 450 pounds. He’s overshot his weight goal by 150 pounds.

He says he still wants to hit 300 “pounds”, of course. You think of how much furniture he’d break at that size.

[hollowed-theory-hall]

Dumbledore is a Manipulative Piece of Shit: Part 1/?

Since I read the books for the first time at the age of 12, I knew I didn't trust Dumbledore. Back then, I couldn't put my finger on why. But now, a bit over a decade later, I can.

Not only can I explain why I thought something's fishy, but I can prove it is.

This is going to be a long series... but let's start at the beginning:

Halloween 1981

I'm going to go about this in chronological order of events according to book quotes I could track down.

Before the Prophecy

Circa October 24, 1979 - Lily gets pregnant with Harry. According to reverse calculating due date.

Sometime between March 1980 and October 1980 Peter Pettigrew starts spying for the Order.

"(Dumbledore) was sure that somebody close to the Potters had been keeping You-Know-Who informed of their movements...Indeed, he had suspected for some time that someone on our side had turned traitor and was passing a lot of information to You-Know-Who."

(Prisoner of Azkaban, page 205)

We know that there was a spy in the Order that fed Voldemort information before James and Lily went into hiding. Sirius mentions Peter being a spy for a long time again later in Prisoner of Azkaban:

“Sirius, Sirius, what could I have done? The Dark Lord . . . you have no idea . . . he has weapons you can’t imagine. . . . I was scared, Sirius, I was never brave like you and Remus and James. I never meant it to happen. . . . He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named forced me —” “DON’T LIE!” bellowed Black. “YOU’D BEEN PASSING INFORMATION TO HIM FOR A YEAR BEFORE LILY AND JAMES DIED! YOU WERE HIS SPY!”

(Prisoner of Azkaban, page 374)

So we know Pettigrew spied for Voldemort for about a year, if not more, before October 1981. The reason I'm saying he might have spied for longer is that the Order noticed there was a spy during that year, there might've been months he spied but the Order was none the wiser.

The months leading up to the attack on the Potter

So, we know when Peter started feeding Voldemort information, but we need to know when exactly the prophecy was given and when James and Lily went into hiding under the Fideliulous Charm. Most fans I see, seem to think they were hiding for only a week, then Peter betrayed them and then they died that same night. I think it went a little different. I think they were hiding for much longer.

So, let's determine this from the Evidence we are given.

The picture of the Order of the Phoenix Moody shows Harry in book 5 is the final picture of the Order togather before the Potters went into hiding. Most fans date this photo to the summer of 1980. I think it has to be earlier than that for two simple reasons:

Lily isn't pregnant and Harry wasn't born

Alice isn't pregnant and Neville wasn't born

“...That’s Frank and Alice Longbottom —” Harry’s stomach, already uncomfortable, clenched as he looked at Alice Longbottom; he knew her round, friendly face very well, even though he had never met her, because she was the image of her son, Neville....

...His mother and father were beaming up at him, sitting on either side of a small, watery-eyed man Harry recognized at once as Wormtail: He was the one who had betrayed their whereabouts to Voldemort and so helped bring about their deaths.

(Order of the Pheonix, page 174)

Remember, Harry and Neville were born at the end of July 1980, and pictures taken during that summer would show the pregnancy or taken after their births. So I think that picture was taken in 1979, although I'm uncertain exactly when. because, as I'll prove later in this post, the Potters went into hiding before Harry was born.

Next up to help us put a date to when they went into hiding is the Fidelious Charm itself, or more correctly, how it works.

The Fidelious Charm hides a piece of information within a person. It hides the phrasing of a secret, not a location.

an immensely complex spell ... involving the magical concealment of a secret inside a living soul. The information is hidden inside the chosen person, or Secret-Keeper, and is henceforth impossible to find -- unless, of course, the Secret-Keeper chooses to divulge it.

(Prisoner of Azkaban, 205)

It can be used to hide a location like we see the Order of the Phoenix do:

Dumbledore's Secret-Keeper for the Order, you know -- nobody can find Headquarters unless he tells them personally where it is

(Order if the Pheonix, 115)

With the phrase that Dumbledore hides being:

The headquarters of the Order of the Phoenix may be found at number twelve, Grimmauld Place, London.

(Order of the Phoenix, page 58)

They use a specific phrasing to hide the Order's headquarters. The moment the Order stops existing, the house will stop being a secret. I'd argue the moment Grimmauld Place stopped being the Headquarters it stopped being a secret because this phrase applied no longer.

This is what we see with the Potter residence. Once James and Lily die, the Charm breaks and muggles make their way to the house:

“No, sir — house was almost destroyed, but I got him out all right before the Muggles started swarmin’ around. He fell asleep as we was flyin’ over Bristol."

(Philosopher's Stone, page 13)

The fact muggles and Hagrid could arrive at the house and see it means the Charm broke.

We also see it in Deathly Hollows when Harry and Hemione visit the Potter's cottage:

He could see it; the Fidelius Charm must have died with James and Lily. 

(Deathly Hallows, page 286)

"So what?" You may ask, "we know this already,"

True, but the reason it's important is because it hints at the phrasing used when the charm was cast. It means the phrasing of the secret Peter kept being along the lines of:

"James and Lily Potter are hiding in the Potter Cottage in Godric's Hollow"

Now, this makes sense to be the secret, right, but notice, Harry isn't mentioned. If Harry was part of the secret, the charm would not have broken with James and Lily's deaths, since the secret would still protect Harry. Now, why not protect Harry as well? The whole point of the Fidelious Charm was to protect Harry, was it not?

This means the Potters went into hiding and the charm was cast before Harry was born.

More that suggests they were hiding for quite a while is Lily's letter to Sirius:

Dear Padfoot, Thank you, thank you, for Harry’s birthday present! It was his favorite by far. One year old and already zooming along on a toy broomstick

(Deathly Hollows, page 158)

Meaning Harry's first birthday (July, 1981) happened when they were already under the protection of the charm. As this letter was sent a short time after it (early August 1981).

James is getting a bit frustrated shut up here, he tries not to show it but I can tell

(Deathly Hollows, page 158)

Also from Lily's letter to Sirius. James' restlessness definitely suggests they were hiding under the charm for a good few months before Harry's first birthday.

This dates the Prophecy and Trawlany's job interview around the first half of 1980 (January to May). This means the Potters were in hiding between a year and 4 months to a year and 9 months before their deaths.

All of this leaves us with two main oddities. Questions that just got me scratching my head:

If Peter was a spy since March 1980 at the earliest and October 1980 at the latest (but probably earlier), and the Potters went into hiding with him as the secret keeper in Earley in July 1980 at the latest, why not tell Voldemort immediately? And if he did, why did Voldemort wait a full year+ to go and kill the Potters?

It means that when Severus Snape came begging for Dumbledore to save Lily about a week before their deaths, Dumbledore already had the Potters in hiding. It means Dumbledore made Snape take an oath for him to do something he already did. So we see Dumbledore's first manipulations coming into play by fucking Severus over and taking him as a spy without actually giving anything in turn.

The first question is one I have somewhat of an answer for in my Voldemort character analysis, but this isn't this post. This is about Dumbledore's crimes.

The Night Everything Happened

Now we arrive at the night that changed the Wizarding World and the life of one Harry Potter. October 31st, 1981.

I time Voldemort’s arrival at Godric's Hollow at the late evening (around 8 PM). This is due to children being allowed outside still:

The night wet and windy, two children dressed as pumpkins waddling across the square, and the shop window covered in paper spiders, all the tawdry Muggle trapping of a world in which they did not believe

(Deathly Hollows, page 295)

And Harry (a year and four months old infent) still being awake, but clearly preparing for bed:

the tall black haired man in his glasses, making puffs of colored smoke erupt from his wand for the amusement of the small black-haired boy in his blue pajamas

(Deathly Hollows, page 295)

So, Voldemort arrives at Godric's Hollow around 8:00 PM, let's say, 15 to 20 minutes later, James and Lily are dead, Voldemort’s body is destroyed and he runs off to Albania. Baby Harry is crying and the Fidelious is broken.

Now, things get interesting. Well, more interesting.

We know the first on the scene is Peter Pettigrew, arriving around 8:30 PM, and retrieving Voldemort’s wand. We don't actually know when or if this happened beyond a quote from JKR, but as muggles and aurors searched the house, it's unlikely Voldemort’s wand was there and undiscovered.

Then Pettigrew ran away to the muggle street where he would meet Sirius.

The second on the scene is Reberus Hagrid.

Hagrid arrives sometime later when muggled started looking into what happened now that the Fidelious Charm is broken:

“No, sir — house was almost destroyed, but I got him out all right before the Muggles started swarmin’ around. He fell asleep as we was flyin’ over Bristol."

(Philosopher's Stone, page 13)

Around the same time Pettigrew arrived at Godric's Hollow, Sirius probably saw Peter wasn't home and realized the Fidelious was broken. So he heads to Godric's Hollow.

The night they died, I’d arranged to check on Peter, make sure he was still safe, but when I arrived at his hiding place, he’d gone. Yet there was no sign of a struggle. It didn’t feel right. I was scared. I set out for your parents’ house straight away. And when I saw their house, destroyed, and their bodies . . . I realized what Peter must’ve done . . . what I’d done. . . .

(Prisoner of Azkaban, page 365)

Sirius reaches the Potters and meets Hagrid there, outside the house, Harry already in Hagrid's arms:

“I met him!” growled Hagrid. “I musta bin the last ter see him before he killed all them people! It was me what rescued Harry from Lily an’ James’s house after they was killed! Jus’ got him outta the ruins, poor little thing, with a great slash across his forehead, an’ his parents dead . . . an’ Sirius Black turns up, on that flyin’ motorbike he used ter ride. Never occurred ter me what he was doin’ there. I didn’ know he’d bin Lily an’ James’s Secret-Keeper. Thought he’d jus’ heard the news o’ You-Know-Who’s attack an’ come ter see what he could do. White an’ shakin’, he was. An’ yeh know what I did? I COMFORTED THE MURDERIN’ TRAITOR!” Hagrid roared.

(Prisoner of Azkaban, page 206)

Sirius then goes after Pettigrew, after failing to take Harry from Hagrid and figuring he'd rather chase the rat down before he disappears. We all know how that ends, as Hagrid takes Harry according to Dumbledore's orders.

‘Give Harry ter me, Hagrid, I’m his godfather, I’ll look after him —’ Ha! But I’d had me orders from Dumbledore, an’ I told Black no, Dumbledore said Harry was ter go ter his aunt an’ uncle’s. Black argued, but in the end he gave in. Told me ter take his motorbike ter get Harry there. ‘I won’t need it anymore,’ he says. “I shoulda known there was somethin’ fishy goin’ on then. He loved that motorbike, what was he givin’ it ter me for? Why wouldn’ he need it anymore? Fact was, it was too easy ter trace.

(Prisoner of Azkaban, page 206)

This quote has quite a few interesting things about Dumbledore, Hagrid and Sirius.

First, Hagrid says Dumbledore gave him orders to take Harry to the Dursleys. This order was given before Sirius went after Peter, before he was arrested and sent to Azkaban.

This is illegal. At this point in time Sirius was Harry's legal godfather and guardian, and yet Dumbledore gave Hagrid this order. And yes, you could argue it was because he knew Sirius was the Secret Keeper and was wary of him, but:

“Hagrid,” said Dumbledore, sounding relieved. “At last. And where did you get that motorcycle?” “Borrowed it, Professor Dumbledore, sir,” said the giant, climbing carefully off the motorcycle as he spoke. “Young Sirius Black lent it to me. I’ve got him, sir.” “No problems, were there?”

(Philosopher's Stone, page 13)

Dumbledore hears Hagrid met Sirius when retrieving Harry and shows no concern. Like he doesn't consider Sirius a threat to Hagrid and Harry. But then, why take Harry away? Why support Sirius' arrest? (More on that in a later post)

Not only is all this highly illegal but how did Dumbledore know when the Potters died?

JK explained he had some magical alarms in place, but that means at the earliest he would've known the moment Voldemort entered the premises. But he knew before. He knew James and Lily would die that day before they died.

How do I know that?

Simple, Hagrid can't apparate and didn't arrive via broom or floo.

Hogwarts, where Hagrid is during October as Grounds keeper, is in the Scottish Highlands (Higher up as they travel for about 9-10 hours by train from Kings Cross to reach Hogwarts as they leave at eleven and arrive for dinner). Godric's Hollow is in West Country, England. This distance is a 9-10 hour drive (672.03 km, 417.58 miles).

It means that for Hagrid to arrive by 9 PM at Godric's Hollow, Dumbledore told him to go fetch Harry, the order was given to Hagrid between 11-12 noon on October 31st.

This already paints Dumbledore in a bad light, it means he planned this. I'd argue he even planned for Voldemort to hear of the Prophecy (but that's a different post). But it means Dumbledore planned for the Potters to be killed that night.

Second, Hagrid is right about Sirius giving his bike being odd (But that's a different post about the Fidelious Charm). But, in short, something was up and Sirius knew, at least somewhat, that he was doomed.

The Boy Who Lived

Finally, we arrive at the first chapter of Philosopher's Stone. We follow Vernon Dursely throughout his day on November 1st. We know that because we see the Wizarding World celebrating the death of Voldemort:

He’d (Mr. Dursley) forgotten all about the people in cloaks until he passed a group of them next to the baker’s. He eyed them angrily as he passed. He didn’t know why, but they made him uneasy. This bunch were whispering excitedly, too, and he couldn’t see a single collecting tin. It was on his way back past them, clutching a large doughnut in a bag, that he caught a few words of what they were saying. “The Potters, that’s right, that’s what I heard —” “ — yes, their son, Harry —” Mr. Dursley stopped dead. Fear flooded him. He looked back at the whisperers as if he wanted to say something to them, but thought better of it.

(Philosopher's Stone, page 6)

So, McGonagall is watching over the Dursleys throughout November 1st. It means Harry arrived at the Dursleys around midnight between November 1st and November 2nd.

Hagrid and Harry left Godric's Hollow on Sirius' flying motorbike around 10 PM at the latest on October 31st. So what was Hagrid doing with Harry in these 26 hours?

The only information we have is that Harry: "fell asleep over Bristol,"

Thing is, if we go back to the map of the UK.

Bristol is not really on the way from Godric's Hollow to Surry.

But it is closer to the flight path between Godric's Hollow and Hogwarts.

(The locations are estimated for fictional locations but are based on what I know. Regardless, West Country to Surry won't pass over Bristol, while West Country to the Scottish Highlands is likely to, so the point stands)

In conclusion, Dumbledore manipulated Harry's life, his parents' deaths, Snape, Sirius, and Hagrid, and fucked them all over for the sake of his grand plan of defeating Voldemort.

What else went into his plan and who else he fucked over, will be covered in the next installments.

[swordofazrael1992]

list of fundraisers i received, september 1st

hey y’all, this is a list of palestinian people and families that have reached out to me today. i know i don’t have much reach but it would mean the world to me, and these families, if you could share this post and donate if you can.

VETTED FUNDRAISERS

@olagaza gofundme RAISED $41,910/$50,000 vetted on this spreadsheet (line 205), by @90-ghost here, @northgazaupdates here

@saveyouseffamily gofundme RAISED €8,392/€20,000 vetted on this spreadsheet (line 406), reblogged by @90-ghost here

@wafaaresh6  gofundme RAISED $8,110/$50,000 vetted by 90-ghost here, and vetted by association (sister of @mohiy-gaza, vetted here

@aseelo680  gofundme RAISED $18,509/$50,000 vetted by 90-ghost here, with further proof in the last reblog

@save-amal-family gofundme RAISED €21,111/€25,000 vetted on this spreadsheet (line 475), by 90-ghost here

@abeeribrahim2006 gofundme RAISED $15,185/$70,000 vetted on this spreadsheet (line 157), campaign vetted by 90-ghost here

@mohiy-gaza (reached out through @mohiy-gaza2) gofundme RAISED $23,118/$31,000 campaign vetted here by 90-ghost, and has an instagram here going back several years with multiple old posts with gaza geotagged. mohi is also wafaa’s brother

@fidaa-family (reached out through @fidaa-family2) gofundme RAISED $20,925/$30,000 campaign vetted by 90-ghost here, and vetted by association (fidaa is mohi and wafaa’s sister)

@hassanmadi2 gofundme RAISED €542/€50,000 vetted by @gaza-evacuation-funds here, vetted by association (nephew of @aya3mohammed, number 166 on this spreadsheet), and boosted here by @ibtisams 

@ahmedabuloay  gofundme RAISED $16,097/$50,000 this campaign is vetted on this spreadsheet (line 137), ahmed’s wife fatin is vetted by @nabulsi here and @el-shab-hussein here

@jody-family (reached out through account @omargaze) gofundme RAISED £7,082/£20,000 created fairly recently (aug 4th). there is evidence here that the campaign organizer is palestinian and living in the uk. the @/jody-family account is also vetted by association by @mohiy-gaza (who is vetted here), with proof here (same posts as before, i just didn’t want to make things too confusing)

@dinamahammed99 gofundme RAISED $4,393/$15,000 vetted by association: dina is the sister of @mahmoud1995 who was vetted here by 90-ghost (proof)

@lobnaalser gofundme RAISED €4,528/€50,000 vetted here by 90-ghost

@yousefjehad3 gofundme RAISED $5,803/$15,000 vetted on this spreadsheet (line 255), vetted here by 90-ghost, line 132 on this spreadsheet

@eman-kha gofundme RAISED $855/$40,000 this campaign was started august 22 and is VERY LOW on funds. eman has been vetted here by 90-ghost. please please donate!!

@dodoomar12345 survival fund RAISED kr171,381/kr300,000 (note: $1usd is a little over kr10, please keep this in mind when choosing your donation level) business fund RAISED $6,254/$12,000 jad al haq family fundraisers  doaa has been vetted here by 90-ghost (business fund vetted here), and is @aseelo680’s sister reading this campaign hit close to home: doaa has a 5 year old autistic child who needs help after experiencing skill regression in gaza. i am autistic, and i know for a fact that i have autistic followers. please please donate to doaa’s campaign, i cannot imagine the pain and suffering this family and young omar is experiencing. we know autism can make even the most normal, safe, ordinary life difficult; now think about what omar must have experienced in gaza. doaa and omar still have family in gaza, including her father who had a stroke and is still in gaza here is the facebook page for doaa’s sewing–her work is absolutely amazing

@asmaayyad gofundme RAISED €15,139/€45,000 campaign vetted here by 90-ghost

@samarsh12 gofundme RAISED €7,199/€45,000 campaign vetted by 90-ghost here

@yazanfamily2 gofundme RAISED €12,645/€50,000 campaign organized by mohammed alanqer, vetted here by @northgazaupdates 

@bara-belal gofundme RAISED $6,214/$50,000 line number 249 on this spreadsheet 

@hala-15 gofundme RAISED €2,295/€5,000 vetted according to this post abdul is a baby with hirschsprung’s disease and needs surgery! please please donate, they are almost halfway there

@abdelmutei gofundme RAISED €11,834/€25,000 vetted by 90-ghost here

@freepaleatine95 gofundme RAISED $7,521/$50,000 campaign vetted here by 90-ghost 

UNVETTED FUNDRAISERS

@wajihmadi gofundme RAISED €105/50,000 this campaign is only a week old and VERY low on donations. as far as i could find through reverse image search, the images are original. if anyone is able to vet this campaign or can get in touch with those who can, PLEASE reach out to them. otherwise, please please boost this

@anasfamilys gofundme RAISED €1,912/€50,000 this campaign very new (created august 23) and is unvetted, although reverse image search does not bring up any duplicates.  anas is a 17 year old diabetic who has multiple martyred family members, including 14 year old brother ahmad, and a sister who is sick, as well as a newborn niece. this campaign hits very close to home for me. both my father and one of my sisters are type 1 diabetic and reading about anas’ struggles with high blood sugar and no insulin broke my heart. i’ve seen the struggles to access insulin and properly manage t1 diabetes in america–i can’t even begin to imagine how much harder it is in gaza. please take a chance on anas and anas’ family. and again, please please boost this campaign so it has a chance to be vetted.

@saveomarfamily gofundme RAISED $163/$36,000 paypal RAISED $95/$25,000 this campaign was created august 15 and is VERY low on funds. while it is unvetted, reverse image search comes up clean. please please help out if you can, and boost this campaign

to my mutuals and followers: please, please reblog and share these campaigns, and donate if you can.

[bingodomesticatedcats]

Shadow and Serenity

Summary:

Bram and Kunikida bond over a serene night, finding solace in each other's company.

Pairing: Kunikida Doppo x Bram Stoker

Genre: Fluff

WC: 205

Bram leaned against the moss-covered stone wall, his crimson eyes glistening in the moonlight. Kunikida sat beside him, his gaze fixed on the distant horizon.

"It's a beautiful night," Kunikida remarked, breaking the silence between them.

Bram nodded, a faint smile playing on his lips. "Indeed, it is. There's a certain tranquility in the air.”

Kunikida shifted closer, the warmth of his presence a stark contrast to Bram's coldness. "You seem lost in thought tonight, Bram. Is everything alright?"

Bram sighed softly, his mind burdened with centuries of memories. "Sometimes, I wonder if immortality is a gift or a curse."

Kunikida placed a reassuring hand on Bram's shoulder. "I can't imagine what it's like to live as long as you have, but I believe every life has its purpose, even yours."

Bram looked at Kunikida, touched by his sincerity. "You always know the right thing to say, my friend."

They sat in companionable silence, the night enveloping them in its embrace. For Bram, the presence of Kunikida brought a sense of solace he hadn't felt in centuries. In that moment, he realized that perhaps immortality wasn't such a burden when shared with a friend like Kunikida.

[abybweisse]

Hey Aby! In anticipation of the 205 chapter, I decided to go back and re-read Mey-Rin's and Bard's for clues of what may happen next to Snake and Finny. I noticed something interesting with both arcs - they both seem to hint at what their ultimate fates will be. While Bard's arc is all about meeting with wife and son while in a coma and he practically promises to return to them, Mey-Rin is an unwitting witness to a sex act, in an uncharacteristically graphic scene for Yana. Do you think that death is ultimately on the cards for Bard and (I guess) a marriage for Mey-Rin? Or is it all contained to their arcs themselves and does not mean anything beyond completing a mission?

⚠️ long post ⚠️

Assignments as foreshadowing?

I think that if Mey-Rin gets married, it would not be foreshadowed by her seeing sex acts through a keyhole.

She joined Qīng Bāng at a very young age and worked as a sniper, but she saw a lot going on around her. Well, as much as she could see without glasses. There were drugs, alcohol, and probably prostitution in and around the opium den, as well as throughout Limehouse district. One of her early assignments as an assassin was to shoot this guy at a hotel or perhaps in his own huge manor, right? He was a rival gang leader, and she shoots him while he's naked with some unnamed woman. He might have even been right in the middle of having sex when she shoots him. She's witnessed a lot in her young life.... Getting married to anyone would be despite the things she has seen and done. Reminds me of how Katniss finally settles down and has kids in The Hunger Games, even though she's been thoroughly traumatized by her experiences. So far, at least, Mey-Rin seems to have kept her mind pretty well intact. I hope she can continue to do so.

I think we can safely say she has somehow managed to remain a virgin up to this point, too. Otherwise, Georg von Siemens' inappropriate actions towards her wouldn't have been enough to make her question whether she was still worthy of marriage. Going by "Rin" and dressing as a boy until she joins the Phantomhive household might have been partly to protect her virtue. Good thing Haku was apparently only interested in her sniper abilities.

In Baldo's case, the interaction with Joanna and his son might be an indication he will have to break whatever promises he's made to them. At least for now. I mean, his claim he can now properly cook fried eggs is an exaggeration "Sebastian" calls out even before Baldo can fully return to the living realm.

I put Seb in quotations because I'm not sure whether Sebastian has infiltrated Baldo's coma or if he's just a nagging figment of his imagination.

Then again, maybe he will soon join them. We still don't have confirmation that he and the others safely made it out of Athena Sanatorium, thanks to a cliffhanger and moving on to the next assignment, with Finny and Snake. Next time we see Baldo et alia, they might be trying to take leave of the place... when Polaris freaking shows up, mad as all hell. Even if Ronald and William stick around and actually enter the fray (since it's another bizarre doll to take down), I don't see it ending too well. Baldo does seem to have this uncanny ability to survive, though, even if everyone else around him doesn't....

Either way, I highly doubt he will ever make it to Shanghai with the others, even if the others do. And if he stays in England and somehow still survives to the end of the series, this is most likely a false promise, as well:

Mostly because he's just that terrible in the kitchen.

I still somewhat hope Mey-Rin and Baldo end up together, despite their age difference. At least she is an adult already. Also, it was a very common practice in Victorian England for older men to marry much younger women, especially if those men were widowers. Much like Katniss again, perhaps Mey-Rin would only pair well with a man who has experienced much of the same trauma. Likewise, Baldo might now have trouble settling down with some completely innocent sort of woman. Katniss and Peeta go through the deadly and maddening games together. Baldo's been altered by war and losing his wife and son. Mey-Rin has been altered by her years as an assassin for a drug dealer and gang. Mey-Rin and Baldo have both been enlisted as servants for our earl, chosen because of their abilities and previous training; now they volunteer as pawns in this deadly game of chess against their young master's brother. Perhaps their bond will be strengthened by all this... if they live to see the end of it.

The main thing the first two assignments have in common, besides their basic instructions, is that Mey-Rin and Baldo each flashback to the events directly leading up to being offered positions as our earl's servants. Mey-Rin's flashback is triggered by Jane offering her the opportunity to switch sides. Her flashback shows us why her loyalty stays with our earl and Sebastian -- with the Phantomhive household.

Baldo's is triggered by Ada admitting her guilt as a survivor during warfare; Baldo feels much the same.

And he also develops loyalty towards our earl, Sebastian, and the other servants. Just like Jane ends up aiding the infiltrators, so does Ada.

As I'm typing this up, I realize "hunger games" describes both Mey-Rin's and Baldo's lives before: Mey-Rin is once fooled into biting a boot and is regularly given moldy bread to eat... while Baldo's battlefield starvation tempts him to cannibalize his fallen comrades. Sebastian barely arrives in the nick of time to stop him from eating the arm of Terry, or whoever that poor dead dude was, if it wasn't Terry. Sebastian shows up with a picnic basket filled with afternoon tea items and possibly more. The first thing our earl does to extend any kindness to Mey-Rin is provide her with the first hot, freshly prepared meal she's had in ages, perhaps as far back as she can remember.

Back to their assignments; they are paired with people who are in our earl's network but are not his servants. But Finny and Snake (and his snakes) are both Phantomhive servants, so do we get a major flashback from Finny, from Snake, from both, or from neither one? So far, Finny is having single-panel flashbacks and even briefly stating things he recalls to Snake and the top students. The orphanage reminds Finny of the research facility in some ways, and that could segue him into a major flashback. Since Doll is there, she could trigger Snake into one. However, before the assignments, they were the two we already knew the most backstory for, and we might never learn all that much more about either one. To deal with both characters, we might just continue to get tiny snippets here and there.

But Mey-Rin has a choice to make -- choose Jane's offer or remain loyal to our earl. She remains loyal, and Jane even helps her and Ran-Mao break up the blood collection operations there before parting ways. Mey-Rin and Ran-Mao just need to get to our earl and make their report.

Baldo still has a choice to make -- stay in England and return to our earl... or go with Lau and the others to China. Like I said before, he might never get to China, even if he tries. I do expect him to ultimately end up staying behind, possibly loaded down with fresh feelings of survivor's guilt. If Ada is still around when we get back to them, she might also decide to stay back and help Baldo take down the Aurora Society.

With Finny and Snake, I don't think Finny's loyalty could ever come into doubt. His choice might come down to whether he has to fight Snake. But I don't think Finny will see much, if any, choice in the matter if it comes to that.

Snake is probably about to hear Doll's full tale about the circus members' fates. Then his choice (and the choices of his individual snakes) is to either help Doll get revenge... or attempt to destroy her and shut down the orphanage. Snake is the last to join our earl's household, so he could end up the first to leave it (I don't think Tanaka has truly left). There's also the possibility that one of his snakes, like Emily, chooses Doll and must be eliminated.

There is foreshadowing in each assignment, but most of that pertains to what ends up happening in each assignment. I don't know what long-term foreshadowing there is in the assignments, other than perhaps some things not directly related to them... like:

The chance of Jane popping up again later because she hinted that she might

The shapes of souls and "aptitudes" hinting about soul transplants

If Layla ends up being Heathfield's daughter

If Layla/Al ends up being some experiment of Undertaker's regarding soul transplants

What I do see is each servant's loyalty being put to the test, and they must make quick, fateful decisions. Whatever choices they make during their assignments, they will ultimately affect the outcome of the story. Each assignment definitely has long-reaching consequences; they are not little bubbles of existence.

I hope I answered your question thoroughly. I stayed up too late working on this -- but not finishing it -- and have been half asleep all day.

[circulars-reasoning]

Debunking Series: Normal Dimensions of Multiple Personality Without Amnesia

Hello all! I spent the better part of today (the last 3 hours or so, I believe) reading through a horrific article that was part of a list of "sources proving nondisordered plurality." I wanted to read through all of these sources and thoroughly discuss what is good and bad about them.

Sadly, this article has nothing good.

The full debunk can be found at this link, or below the cut. The link also includes a link to the article in question, as well as the casebook referenced in the article.

TL;DR: This article is horrifically ableist, fakeclaims DID systems (including a real actual case study), and suggests that DID systems are simply fantasizing their alters due to traumatic events -- suggesting that everyone is "naturally" plural, and that DID systems imagine new alters to hold amnesia.

TW: Fakeclaiming, discussions of trauma (SA, abandonment, war, food scarcity), poor research methods.

“IMAGINATION, COGNITION AND PERSONALITY, Vol. 18(3) 205-220, 1998-99

NORMAL DIMENSIONS OF MULTIPLE PERSONALITY

WITHOUT AMNESIA”

The TL;DR summary of the article: These people made a survey with the express purpose of proving that multiple personality states are completely normal. To do this, they fakeclaim DID, suggest it is completely imagined, and that the only pathological part of DID is the amnesia. Their survey proves nothing beyond what they claim it should be showing, their sample size is a mere 209 people at a single college (with no remarks to age, race, gender, etc – all of which are factors in developing DID), and they end off the article with such wonderful lines as “It is not surprising that a fantasizer like Frieda would exhibit dissociative amnesia in response to trauma, even though most traumatized persons do not dissociate, because absorption in fantasy has been shown to be a diathesis for dissociative responses to traumatic stressors [6],” or “The fact that ‘animal alters’ have actually been reported by DID patients [30] gives added credence to our suggestions that multiple personality results when emotionally incompatible self images are fantasized (with or without amnesia), not when personality and memory  are fragmented.” Simply put, this article is horrific, and proves nothing. Full live reactions below.

“In Harter’s view, it is not unusual for the normal adolescent to experience himself or herself as different people in different situations” – Is this not simply IFS? It is not at all unusual to experience yourself as multiple different people - “work self versus home self” has always been a thing. This is remarkably different from the Completely Dissociated From Each Other Personalities that we see in DID.

“Moreover, the old DSM-III-R syndrome of Multiple Personality Disorder (MPD) had diagnostic criteria corresponding to multiple self-identity and multiple self-control, but none corresponding to dissociative amnesia [9], and studies found 30 percent to 50 percent of people with MPD to be “high-functioning”” – Excuse me, but why is this relevant? Why are you bringing up MPD, from a previous DSM, from a time before we knew somewhat better about DID and how it forms? At the point this was published, the DSM 4 had been out for 5 years; why go back to a previous DSM? Why remark on the “high-functioning” label? Is this meant to argue that those high-functioning individuals were actually endogenic? Is this meant to argue that those with DID cannot be high-functioning? I think this is a completely unintentional bit of ableism on the author's parts.

“Our thesis predicts that many more, totally normal people with multiple personalities, but no amnesia, never even come to the attention of the clinical psychological establishment.” – … You mean OSDD? You mean the other representation of dissociative disorder in which amnesia barriers are not present between alters? You mean that completely clinically recognized phenomenon? Yeesh. DDNOS was in the DSM-4 – they have no excuse.

“Such an assertion, however, ignores the fact that many religious adults with no psychopathology experience God as their imaginary companion. Two studies have even documented normal dissociation, without pathological dissociation, in religious mystics who ritualistically imagine themselves being possessed by spirits [19, 20].” – Yes, remarkably, the DSM-4 did not feel the need to remark that a purely spiritual experience is different from the pathological psychological experience they were describing. Because of studies like this one, however, the DSM-5 added in the cultural exemption criteria, in which this sort of thing is explained as Very Clearly Not DID. No fault of the authors for not reading the future, but again – are they now arguing that mystics and ritual possession are endogenic plurality?? What does this have to do with DID? They’re totally different experiences.

METHODS – This is, by far, the shortest methodology section I have ever seen in an article. The summary of their methods: They gave people a survey that they, themselves, crafted. This survey consisted of 31 questions, each with three parts. People self reported their sense of self, sense of control, and sense of memory. It was posited by the authors that higher rankings on A and B were demonstrable as higher levels of dissociation, but only higher rankings on C were indicative of DID… without… stating why that was or how that was proven. They also failed to address: was this completed online, or on paper? Was there a time limit? Were participants paid for their answers? How did you authenticate that the survey actually correlates to the DES (which, this article itself points out is a flawed and only partial examination of dissociation, which cannot, on its own, validate DID)? This study did jack shit and they know it.

SUBJECTS – Oh my god it got even shorter??? This is a failing grade in any psych class. “The subjects for this research were randomly sampled from General Psychology classes at the University of Massachusetts Lowell, and were tested in group settings. Two hundred nine subjects completed the questionnaires.” What are their ages? Gender? Race? Do any of them have a diagnosis of a dissociative disorder already? Have you examined these randomly selected individuals for their medical histories of schizophrenia or BPD, two things that impact the sense of self tremendously? How could you call these normal representations of multiple personalities when you can’t even tell me their age range??? This is stunningly negligent. 

“Our finding in Figures 3 and 4—that subjects tend not to exhibit multiple personality with amnestic features on Scale C unless they also exhibit normal features of multiple personality on Scales A and B—further supports our hypothesis that the DID patient’s pathological amnesia for trauma is superimposed on pre-existing normal dimensions of multiple personality.” – Woah there buddy, slow the roll. Your hypothesis was simply that multiplicity without amnesia was a normal experience, and that the trauma is what creates amnesia. You have now changed your hypothesis to be that DID systems are just naturally plural with some pesky amnesia being the issue. You’re saying the alters are just… normal, and that DID systems who have alters are only disordered because they have amnesia. What does this mean for the alters, then? Why are my alters suffering from dissociation, then? Is the amnesia my only problem?? Jesus…

“Indeed, in the only case of multiple personality in the DSM-III-R Casebook, the patient Frieda started fantasizing alternate personalities during early childhood” – WHAT. WHAT IN THE FUCK. Are you really, really, going so far as to suggest that this case study was of an individual who was naturally multiple in childhood, because she fantasized (you know, fantasy theory, that shit Freud pushed, that shit that’s been used to invalidate and fakeclaim DID systems for years???) her fucking alters… Out of curiosity I went and found this casebook. More discussion about this topic is below the liveblog, because surprise surprise, this article purposely omit things about the case study…

“It is not surprising that a fantasizer like Frieda would exhibit dissociative amnesia in response to trauma, even though most traumatized persons do not dissociate” – Fuck you. Genuinely, where does this claim come from? I know you cite a source, but genuinely, everything we have seen about fucking dissociative disorders is that the people with them, surprise surprise, fucking dissociate. What gives you the goddamn right to fakeclaim?

“It remains an empirical question, however, whether actual DID patients of this sort would remember their alternate personalities well enough to score high on Scale A, but Figure 3 suggests that they would” – They have to use the word ‘suggests’ here because they never fucking clarified if any of their participants have DID. 

“The gentleman who experiences irreconcilably violent impulses on the football field, for example, might imaginally integrate such impulses into an alternate personality that is “pure animal.” The fact that “animal alters” have actually been reported by DID patients [30] gives added credence to our suggestions that multiple personality results when emotionally incompatible self images are fantasized (with or without amnesia), not when personality and memory are fragmented.” – Read that again and fully understand it. Need a translation? “The man who has violent impulses that conflict with his regular personality might imagine that those impulses are a violent animal personality. This suggests that animal alters in DID are just conflicting emotions that are imagined to be real alters.” This is the article people are upholding as endogenic plurality.

To be blunt: fuck anyone who reads this and tries to suggest it’s proving endogenic plurality.

Discussion of the DSM-III Casebook (Specifically, the entry on Frieda) - This is entirely from Circular, none of this is from the article, so I'll drop the color coding for this section.

Located on Page 114 of the Casebook (located at this link, this was the best I could find – made an account, borrowed the book for an hour), is the case study Frieda. Frieda was a 42 year old woman who, accompanied by her husband, sought consultation with a psychiatrist. She went primarily at her husband’s request due to marital problems.

Frieda was “daydreaming” during the consultations, and her husband reported her acting startlingly different at times (dressed in new attire, leaving the house for hours or even days with no communication, seeming to act like a little girl after disagreements and being unable to get out of that space, etc). Under hypnosis, Frieda was able to describe events in her childhood, which were incredibly traumatic (father was killed, mother abandoned her, was raised in multiple orphanages that were lacking in food and supplies, and raised by nuns, etc etc etc). What Freida describes next is that, at the age of 4, she had an “imaginary companion” of the same age who she would “run away with” to a field to play with dolls. This companion remained with her well past childhood, and their escapes from reality would only increase in frequency after she was molested by Soviet soldiers after the war.

The case describes her struggles in her marriage (particularly with a more promiscuous alter – if I had to hazard a guess, a sexual persecutor – stepping in frequently when arguments occurred) and struggles with parenthood (where a little would clearly begin fronting and she would be returned to the war-time flashbacks). After leaving hypnosis, the client had no memory of these events.

This is clearly DID. This is very similar to much of what I’ve experienced and gone through, albeit with hypnosis taking a very different role in my own life. The article posits that this woman was raped, and before that instance, she had simply an imaginary friend. This completely ignores – and in my opinion seeks to invalidate – the traumatic childhood Freida experienced. The authors are positing that her experience of having alters is completely normal, and the thing that caused her amnesia was the sexual assault she experienced. This is ignoring her feelings toward her mother who abandoned her, which today is regarded as a primary leading cause of DID developing (disorganized attachment theories). 

So, in order to prove that Freida is merely a regular, normal person with amnesia, they fakeclaim her childhood trauma and suggest she’s simply fantasizing these alters (and, of course, all of their actions and everything, which she has no memory of) due to later trauma she experienced. Because god forbid anyone acknowledge a DID system having childhood trauma. 

[maremote]

Black Sails Monologuolympics 7.1: FLINT: ROUND 1 🩸

8/16: 205 vs 305

Flint, to Hennessey, in 205: "I heard you, sir. But I've come to see that you and I were wrong about him. Lord Hamilton isn't someone we should be wary of, he is exactly the kind of man we should be listening to. On the day I was made an officer, you pulled me aside. You told me how proud you were of me. You told me that a measure of a man is in the moment when he is confronted by himself. By opposing voices in his head, both arguing that they are right, but one has to be wrong. To know the difference in that moment, that is what makes an officer. What makes a man. Well, I see the difference here, sir. I know it."

Flint, to the Maroon Queen, in 305: “I have great respect for your husband, and I know what he wants me to say… that you have no choice but to use me and my men to hunt for you, that I am your only means of survival. But let's be honest. If that is all I can offer you, then my men and I are dead before the sun rises tomorrow, because you know there is always a choice to be made, and you don't trust me at all. So… let us assume that I can offer you something better. You have hidden in this place for a lifetime, hidden from the harsh realities that lie beyond this veil that you have constructed here, but the moment that that shot entered his belly, that veil began to unravel, and sooner or later, you are going to have to confront these realities, chief among them being that England takes whatever, whenever, however it wants. Lives. Loves. Labor. Spirits. Homes. It has taken them from me. I imagine that it has taken it from you. And when that veil drops altogether, they will come for more.

polls tagged #bsm71

[ficnoire2]

A Little Legendborn/Bloodmarked Scent Theory Part Two

William Sitterson scent profile - Citrus/Fresh

“The infirmary is William’s domain.  He strides between the tables, his hands coated in silver aether so thick it looks like mercury.  The bright citrus smell of his aether signature fills the room.”

What can I say, I love William and his sunny, yet firm disposition.  Fruit in the citrus family include oranges, lemons, limes, grapefruit, kumquat, clementine, pomelo…you get the idea.

Citrus - Citrus oils and resins have the power to uplift our mood and bring peace to a space.  Think of all the household cleaners you use, how many of them have a citrus profile?  Ever wonder why you gravitate towards those scents?  Citrus has been used in many cultures for centuries and has healing and therapeutic benefits.  It is no wonder William is one of the few people that can calm Sel down in the heat of anger.  He is like a gray-eyed Yoda, even-keeled and level.  His tranquil sensibilities allow people to put their guard down and open up that much more. The history of the use of citrus in Ayurvedic medicine in India or in religious ceremonies in ancient Egypt is well documented for its ability to purify a space, bringing positive energy which promotes healing.  The sweetness of this scent can reduce stress and anxiety.   

My final cute William tidbit can be found in this quote: 

“After a while, William hands me a lime-colored cloth handkerchief.  I stare down at it, puzzled at the alarmingly bright fabric.  I hear the smile in his voice.  ‘It was my father’s.  The line of Gawain is what discerning people call ‘ostentatious’.” 

Limes - Limes and their oil represent the ability to cleanse the physical body and heal and purify the soul.  Next time you are at Tarjay’, grab some of that lemon/lime-scented Mr. Clean and thank the Scion of Gawain.  

Valechaz' scent profile - Soft Oriental, Dry Woods

“He leans into me slightly, and I get a whiff of something dark, spicy, and burning.”

“He steps nearer, until that leather and star-anise smell swirls thick in the air and my cheeks prickle.”

Valechaz’ scent profile is as spicy and sensual as he is.  In my reading, I found that his scent calls back to a time of old (much like Incense Daddy Erebus, but more on that later) which is fitting for the 205 year-old most balanced Cambion in the region.  

Leather- When used in perfume, leather scents are warm and rich, with a bit of musk.  There are smoky and animalistic notes.  Valec’s scent was described as burning (we know he brings the heat with him) and the way his eyes turn over red reminds me of a shark whose eyes turn over white before it bites.  The scent of leather denotes luxury, sophistication, and masculinity (whatever that means to you).  We know Valec is dressed to the nines daily, “Suited and booted” as the old folks used to say.  He is also not to be trifled with as he has demonstrated he is 100% with the shits.

Star Anise- Sweet and licorice-y (yes, that is a word), star anise is spicy and intense.  It is rich and exotic and is often added to oriental and gourmand fragrance compositions.  Star anise compliments a variety of fragrances creating harmonious blends that have endless layering possibilities.  Its presence enhances the overall scent, creates depth and complexity, and enables the creation of balanced, captivating fragrances. 

The essence of Valec’s scent profile is luxurious, seductive, and balanced on the razor’s edge of ferocity.  

Erebus Varelian- Scent Profile Woody Oriental or Woody Amber

“His aether signature surrounds me with scents I associate with ancient trees and holy places: myrrh and saps, incense burning.”

Erebus (affectionately known as Incense Daddy) is such an interesting and mysterious being.  He is calculated and opportunistic, and I imagine he has not survived this long without brutal and unwavering tact and a bit of street smarts.  His scent hints at his true identity and the power that lives within it.  

Incense - Spicy, resinous, and woody, the smell of incense creates a mysterious, warm, richly scented experience.  For eons incense has been used in cultural and religious practices dating back to ancient Egypt, China, and India.  Its spicy, powdery notes are seductive (like Valechaz’) and smelling incense when none is present can denote spiritual presence or messages from the spiritual realm. Incense can be associated with protection and spiritual growth.

Myrrh - Myrrh tends to go hand in hand with incense. It is described as having a balsamic, spicy, smoky odor.   Made from bleeding a Commiphora tree of its resin, in magical circles, myrrh is used with cleansing and purification rituals.  It can also be combined with incense for protection against negative energy and rituals related to banishing and breaking curses. 

It is no wonder Erebus’ scent is derived from tree resin.  Trees hold powerful ancient symbolism (strength, growth, protection) and represent an interconnectedness of all living things.  Erebus has been around the block in many iterations, hiding in plain sight.  His scent profile calls back to a time when Gods walked amongst men.

“Dark hair, olive skin, a long black jacket, and an aether signature older than the ancients themselves.  How many people has he killed, just to walk among us?”

I hope you’ve gotten a kick out of this as I have!  What did you notice about the scent families?  How do you think they are connected?  I have linked part one below as well as my other contributions to this fun little series. Now go on out there and find an "Incense Daddy" to smell.

Scent Part One

 Color Theory

Symbolism

[forestkodama]

My partner surprised me with a trip for his birthday.

He just told me we had to leave the house by 6 and it was a 45-minute drive west (effectively into rural Virginia). All he told me along the way was that we would be going through security and couldn't take our phones. I didn't pester him too much with guesses, but it was an area that I only had the faintest of experience exploring. So imagine my surprise when we pulled up to a branch of the Library of Congess.

TIL that I have lived within reasonable driving distance of the Audio-Visual Conservation campus and they offer three free screenings of movies a week.

I got to watch the 1999 cinematic and sexuality-defining masterpiece The Mummy in a 205-seat Art Deco-style theatre. And it was amazing.

[kpopimagi]

A Flower Under The Rain [Part 5]

Characters: Baekhyun, Kyungsoo and Kang Gyuri (OC) Genre: Angst, Romance Au: Hanahaki!Au  Type: Series  Word count: 10, 205

It all began with a cough and then, a subtle sting in her chest. Kang Gyuri cried, knowing that in a matter of months, she would be another figure in the death toll of the most dangerous and cruelest outbreak in human history.

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 6 | Part 7 | Part 8-1

Everything was overwhelming. 

Still, too out of it, Gyuri simply limited herself to letting Kyungsoo take her away from the coffee shop. As soon as she felt remotely better, he stopped a taxi before the police and agents from the National Health Service could take anyone into custody for questioning. They always did when someone died of the Hanahaki disease in a public space. Luckily, he managed to close the taxi’s door just in time the first ambulance arrived at the site. 

 After a silent ride with Kyungsoo, she arrived home, but the moment she closed the front door behind her and saw her parents watching television in the living room, Gyuri felt a lot better and grounded in a reality she knew was safe and secure. However, drained to even talk, let alone try to pretend she was all fine, she excused herself, saying she needed to lay down for a bit.

Although she felt like she hadn’t slept for days, something was bothering her, and taking the watch off her wrist. Gyuri realized how heavy it felt and the longer she looked at it, the more she noticed how refined and expensive it actually was. Kyungsoo must be a careful person, Gyuri decided, considering how well taken care of it was. 

She flipped the watch around, and for a second, she thought her eyes were deceiving her. As exhausted as she was, her mind must’ve been playing tricks on her heart and her faith because the name she saw engraved in the back of the watch couldn't be true. That name wasn’t even real. It was only a pen name, and it was a legend. A mystery no one knew the face of. A tear fell down her cheek as her finger traced the capital that held so many of her hopes. A capital D and a capital O.

Gyuri wanted to laugh. Suddenly, his reply of being unemployed by choice seemed like the funniest yet unintentionally sarcastic joke ever. Because one of the reasons that made D.O. so mysteriously fascinating to the entire world was the fact that he never wrote a second book. That brought many to think it was all a scam, and the writer died like everyone else with the curse did.

Opening her laptop to do some research, Gyuri wondered how on earth she was supposed to start. She wouldn't be the first to try to find out his identity, but the cold watch on her hand reminded her that she had a clue that no one else might have. Gyuri simply typed D.O. watch on the search engine and hoped for the best. She could’ve never imagined getting thousands of results, and she just stared at the articles, utterly stunned. She even found the official website of the Swiss watchmaking manufacturer that made the watch that happened to be a special edition gift given to the writer as a token of their appreciation. That book was, after all, the greatest source of hope in the middle of such worldwide dispair.

Clicking faster than ever, Gyuri navigated through the website. She read the articles and then compared the watch in her hand with the one in the pictures. Her breath trembled, and her heart dropped to the floor when she saw the estimated price of the watch. She had been carrying almost 4 million dollars on her wrist, and she wasn't even aware.

Her cell phone buzzing somewhere in her room stopped her anxious train of thoughts, and when she found it, she wished she could ignore the texts on the screen but knew better than to ignore Baekhyun. Staring at the device for a while, Gyuri tried not to read too much between the lines. 

Most times, Baekhyun would pick her up whenever they hung out, except for very few times when he had previous commitments before seeing her. He always made an effort. Her best friend tried to work his activities around to spend quality time with her. It was an engraved part of him and their relationship.

However, when he set a time for them to see each other at some random park, she couldn’t stop herself and feared the worst. Luckily or not so, her answer came a few seconds later in a whole minute and a half audio message, and she wasn’t entirely surprised when she listened to it.

“I was wondering if Mina can tag along tomorrow if that’s alright with you?” His voice asked with genuine and nervous hesitation. “If you don’t feel comfortable about it, don’t worry.”

Gyuri knew that the last part of his message was also honest. If she wasn’t comfortable yet, he wouldn’t force it. However, something did not feel entirely alright. Not trusting her voice enough to reply with an audio message, she replied with a simple text that she wouldn’t mind.

Taking the watch with her for safekeeping, Gyuri laid down in her bed, aware of how tired she was but at the same time, afraid of even closing her eyes. She debated if she should reach out for that one person that became a kind of a lifeline. It felt selfish of her to even bother him any further when he had done so much already, but she couldn’t help it. 

Gyuri stared at his phone number, deciding if she could call him instead of sending a text. Because truth to be told, his replies so far had been extremely short. Closing her eyes, she made up her mind and pressed the button. Surprisingly, he answered the call almost right away, and greeted by his low and monotonous voice, she couldn’t bring herself to speak.

“Is everything alright?” He asked after a few seconds of silence.

“Are you free tomorrow?” She cut to the chase and facepalmed herself in embarrassment. “I’m seeing Baekhyun tomorrow and he wants to bring his girlfriend along.”

“He’s bringing her along?” He asked as if making sure he understood the situation. “Do you want me to go with you?” 

“I’m so sorry,” She blabbered, suddenly mortified, “now that I think about it, it’s very silly.”

“I’ll go.” 

Gyuri closed her eyes, smiling to herself at the amount of relief his short reply infused into her whole body. She had to remind her giddy mind to calm down. 

“Can we see each other first?” She asked, begging the watch in her hands for him to accept.

Kyungsoo merely hummed in agreement, and somehow that simple answer made her body finally relax. Gyuri curled up in her bed, and too tired to change her clothes, she pulled the covers over herself. Once she settled between the bedsheets with the watch in one hand and her phone in the other, she couldn’t think of anything else to add to end the call.

“You must be tired.” He added after a long while as if he could read her silence, and suddenly aware of the exhaustion, she nodded even if he couldn’t see her. “Is it because of what we saw today?” 

His voice was as soft as a whisper and stripped from any judgment. Although it was more than obvious he already knew the answer, Gyuri still replied with the smallest voice she could muster. 

“I’m still scared.”

Kyungsoo hummed, and somehow, Gyuri didn't need more. Just by knowing that someone knew her struggle was more than enough. However, from all the responses she could expect from a conversation of that type, a sudden chuckle wasn’t one of them. Especially not from someone like him.

“I’m not good at these kinds of things,” Kyungsoo eventually said, more to himself.

Gyuri chuckled as well. It was amusing to her that he said that while he also happened to be the man that spoke to the entire world about hope. He didn’t even have to say anything comforting when she found his silence strangely reassuring. 

“What do you like to do in your spare time?” She asked in a way to ease his awkwardness.

“I like to cook and watch movies.” He replied, quite animatedly, although his tone was still soft.

“What do you like to cook the most?”

Gyuri wanted to know out of genuine curiosity but it was as if that simple question turned on a chat mode on him, and she closed her eyes and smiled to herself as she basked in his voice. Especially when she asked how he prepared a particular dish and he would talk about that and all the different Korean dishes he liked. From time to time, Kyungsoo would ask if he should stop and let her sleep, but Gyuri would let out a soft sound every time to show him she was still listening, and he would start again. Eventually, his voice mellowed more and more until she couldn’t hear him anymore and fell into a peaceful slumber.

***

The dreadful day finally arrived, and there was no way Gyuri could skip it. The more she tried to come up with an excuse to cancel her weekly hangout with Baekhyun, the worse the sting in her chest got, and she realized she couldn't just lie to him without her heart twisting in response.

Despite everything, Gyuri was unexpectedly excited and even dressed up a little bit more than usual. She wore the expensive watch on her wrist and spent most of her bus ride constantly pulling the sleeve of her jacket down to cover it and overall thinking that someone was watching her and planning a whole heist to cut her arm off and steal the small fortune dangling in her tiny wrist.

Without any incidents other than her nervousness, Gyuri arrived at the coffee shop. She spotted Kyungsoo from a distance, already waiting for her, sitting at a table by the window. Ignoring the rush of giddiness and excitement she felt, she hurried inside.

As soon as she crossed the entrance, as if getting hit by a truck, Gyuri suddenly realized who she was about to meet and felt utterly unprepared. She even regretted having the book in her purse, naively thinking she could get his autograph or something of that sort. Pretending she hadn’t seen him yet, Gyuri made a beeline to the counter to order a drink.

Amid a mess of thoughts and self-awareness, she only asked for a water bottle, and her voice was caught up in a squeak when Kyungsoo himself showed up by her side. Unable to fully look at him as a sense of starstruck admiration paralyzed her body when she suddenly noticed his smart and expensive looks, the feeling of his heavy watch on her wrist, and his attentiveness even in the smallest of things. Gyuri didn’t even have the time to react when he pulled his wallet out to pay for her drink, and all the giddiness was soon replaced by remorse. 

Once seated by the same window he had been waiting, she looked around, wary of everything and everyone in their near vicinity. As unsuspiciously as she could under the table, Gyuri took his watch off and slipped it across the table.

“Are you crazy?” She said, leaning over so she wouldn’t raise her voice that much, “How can you give me that so easily?”

“I get nagged if I don’t wear it often.” Kyungsoo replied with a small and amused smile as he grabbed the watch and observed it as if it was made of plastic, “I don’t really like it.”

“Still, what if I’d lost it or got it stolen?” She whispered out loud, feeling a weight over her shoulders being lifted as he put the watch on with a smirk.

The sudden confidence exuding off him caught Gyuri off guard, and she just stared at him, admiring him in a different light. For a split second, he seemed to glow in a very healthy and lively way that made her start to wonder a million things. Like, for starters, how manly and classy he actually looked without his glasses and how effortlessly handsome he was. 

Gyuri also wondered how on earth she managed to become friends with one of the most famous personalities in the modern world. She even shared a freaking slice of cheesecake with him. She carried around his four million-dollar watch and was now sitting in front of him once again. Kyungsoo happened to be the only survivor of the outbreak. He was like an undefeated hero, and unable to believe her luck, she found herself speechless. 

“You are him, aren’t you?” She whispered, stunned and scared and excited by his reply, “You are The Love Survivor.”

Kyungsoo lowered his head, but Gyuri didn’t miss the tiny twitch in his brows and the pout on his lips at the nickname some people had for the writer. However, and against all of her expectations, he nodded. It was a subtle nod, and in what looked like a nervous fidget, he scratched the back of his neck.

“I just wrote it down,” He said, his voice monotone as if he was talking about the forecast, “I wrote my pain and frustration down.”

Gyuri leaned back on her chair, mind blown at the confirmation, and the noise of awe and wonder that came out of her, made him look up and smile. It was such a tender and childlike expression that somehow felt like he threw a wrench into the works of her mind. He just seemed to find her reaction to the whole revelation somehow comical.

“Do you want to hear the story?” He asked as if the story of his journey to write one of the most successful books in the last decade was not that interesting.

“If you feel comfortable telling me, I would love to.” Gyuri said, trying not to sound that eager, “It’s not like we have anywhere else to go.”

Kyungsoo chuckled again, which Gyuri started to realize fit his face and tone very well. She looked at him, taking his time as he chewed on his lower lip, deep in thought.

“A friend of mine kept a close eye on me when I contracted the disease. He wanted to know how I was coping with it and I showed my diary to him.” He started, a bit too straight to her liking, “Back then, he was starting his career as an editor.”

Gyuri perked up. She instantly knew who he was talking about. The entire world knew about D.O.’s infamous editor slash manager. Some people were convinced he was the author in disguise but in every single interview, Kim Minseok was calm and collected and all dandy to deny any rumors. He was the public face of the book, and he knew how to capitalize on it with his charms and good looks.

The man was one hell of a charmer, and if she wasn’t mistaken, he was considered one of the most wanted bachelors in Seoul. Gyuri couldn’t argue with the masses; the man was genuinely pretty. He was also cute in a particular way but sweepingly and disarmingly handsome to everyone, men and women alike.

“He didn’t say anything but his eyes sparkled,” Kyungsoo kept on with his story, almost fondly at the memory. “He denies it to this day but he saw the potential.”

“That’s it?” Gyuri thought out loud before she could stop her mouth, but the twitch on the corners of Kyungsoo’s lips let her know he wasn’t offended.

“One day, I had a bad episode.” He said, crossing his arms over his chest and fixing his attention to something in the table between them. “It was so bad that it almost finished me. I was ready to give up when he just pitched me the idea of leaving a legacy behind.”

Gyuri felt small. She felt herself shrinking in her seat, and when Kyungsoo finally lifted his eyes to meet hers, she felt utterly exposed before him.

“I was running out of time,” he explained, “I knew the next coughing fit would be my last. I felt it ready to burst out of my skin so I did it. I amused him on his plan to publish my diary.”

“Is that why you don’t like it?” Gyuri wondered out loud. “Because it is your diary?”

“I never meant to stay alive and see it published.” He said, glaring at one bookshelf near them, and amongst all the books, she could see the spine of a copy of his book, “It’s my heart opened to the world.”

“If it counts,” she said, realizing she had to forget about the book in her purse for good, “I believe it’s terrific.”

“Why do you like it?” He asked instead, leaning closer to the table as if he was genuinely curious to know.

Gyuri didn’t need some time to think about it. She knew the answer just as well as she knew the story and what it made her feel. It was a no-brainer for her.

“I love,” She started, thinking of the best way to word it, “I really love the spark of hope at the end, even if it’s not clear if it is real or not.”

For a second, nothing around them mattered. All Gyuri was aware were Kyungsoo’s eyes on her. If he wanted to say anything about what she just said, he didn’t elaborate. He just stared at her face, and when such attention felt quite unbearable, and almost as if she was getting saved by the bell, she heard the soft buzz of her cell phone in her purse.

To her annoyance, they left the coffee shop to meet Baekhyun and his girlfriend in the specified place, although Gyuri felt like ditching them. Kyungsoo was far better company than them, but the sudden halt on the writer's strides made her almost bump into him. She chuckled at first, but the amusement wore off immediately when she found him facing her. Kyungsoo scratched the back of his head with one hand. His eyes fixed at some point away from her and his lips pursed in a wry face.

“About the book,” He said, his shoulders dropping, “don’t tell anyone about it.”

Kyungsoo gave her a wan smile that Gyuri didn't particularly like and then simply walked away. However, whether or not she could keep his secret safe, the thought alone of him asking for her discretion made her feel sick to her stomach. The sensation she had been pushing back since that long phone call the night before became too strong to ignore.

“I’m so sorry.” She said loud enough for the people walking around them to look at her.

Suddenly aware of the unwanted and judgy stares, Gyuri just ran up to Kyungsoo, who was looking at her, taken aback. Once she caught up with him, she recognized the uncomfortable heaviness of her actions.

“I’m sorry for taking advantage of you.” She apologized, closing her eyes in the hopes of the earth under her feet opening and swallowing her whole, “That has never been my intention.”

Gyuri heard the sound that came from him but other than that, he remained silent. When she opened one eye to see what she thought would be an upset glare, all Gyuri found was him just staring at her, and she was determined to make things right as the guilt continued to weigh her down.

“Back then, when we first met, you literally saved my life and I am grateful to the bottom of my heart.” She confessed, “But I feel like I keep taking advantage of your generosity.”

“You’re not.” 

That ripped her eyes off from the round and lustrous tips of her favorite shoes. All she could see were those dark and round eyes in front of her. She kept looking at them but found nothing but understanding and an unmatched lack of prejudice in them.

“You have no obligation whatsoever to do any of this.” She added, looking around the buzzing crowd around them.

Kyungsoo opened his mouth, but that one voice that made her heart soar and ached at the same time called her name. Gyuri’s entire body snapped back to the only reality it seemed to know and that was completely and unquestionably ruled by Byun Baekhyun and his incomparable need of attention. 

She turned around and cursed under her breath when she finally saw him approaching, all dressed up. Gyuri knew him well enough to know that he’d put effort into his clothes as she just gaped at him, at the well-fitted jeans, the belt, the tucked-in shirt, and the dark overcoat. This date must’ve been a special occasion for him, considering that he was even wearing dress shoes. Baekhyun didn’t do that. She could count on the fingers of one hand the number of times he wore something different than sweatpants and his ugly white shoes.

Baekhyun called her again, greeting her from afar, already raising his arms. However, his smile faltered when he saw Kyungsoo by her side just as much as her heart twisted when she saw Mina walking right behind her best friend and flashing a huge smile at her.

The sting in the middle of her chest was suddenly back. The thought alone of having Baekhyun touching her in any way made her skin crawl in anticipation but not in a good way. As if her body not only longed for him, it also reminded her of the pain and the agony, and she felt forced to step aside. Gyuri stood slightly closer to Kyungsoo to protect herself from the pain and the motion was almost unperceivable, but Baekhyun still noticed it. Gyuri couldn’t be sure what hurt her more if the frown on his handsome face or the yearning burning in her heart. Forcing a smile, she ignored it all to embrace the horrific and painful certainty that the closer she stayed to Kyungsoo, the further she kept Baekhyun away.

The introductions were brief, or at least that was how it felt to Gyuri. Like it happened when they first met at the restaurant, she barely managed to even look at Mina. She was just too pretty and too perfect, with her big eyes, perfect smile, and perfect skin that was soft and white as milk. It made sense that Baekhyun liked her. He would be an idiot if he didn’t. 

“Why are there so many people?” Kyungsoo wondered out loud.

Gyuri had been so out of herself, trying her best to mute Mina’s perfect and melodic voice that she hadn’t realized that they were surrounded by people. Lots of people. She looked around, getting lost at the sea of faces passing by so fast and so unbothered that she felt the anxiousness taking over. Gyuri latched onto the closest thing she could reach, which happened to be Kyungsoo’s arm, and when she peeped at him, he looked just as clueless as she was. 

“Crowds,” Gyuri said under her breath, trying her best to stay calm. “I hate crowds.”

She soon found the only logical explanation for the chattering and menacing crowd moving in every direction hanging from a tubular structure. Gyuri just couldn't believe how ridiculous the entire situation was. 

“World Human Statue Festival” Gyuri read the colorful banner that welcomed them and wished she had ditched them as she wanted in the beginning. “Who thought this was a good idea?”

"I've been wanting to come," Mina added, excitedly pulling Baekhyun by the arm, "I bet you will love it!"

With a fond chuckle, Baekhyun smiled at her and complied, letting her guide him through the crowd, leaving Gyuri and Kyungsoo behind as if they didn’t even exist.

“Does it make me a mean person if I don’t want to talk to them?” Gyuri asked as she stared at her friend’s figure disappear.

A part of her strongly wanted to run after him, to keep an eye on him and make herself noticed to him. Thinking in that way was a ridiculous idea, and attempting to contain her heart, she looked at Kyungsoo, who simply shook his head in agreement to her question. Letting out a relieved sigh, she made a beeline to the entrance line for the event.

“Do you want to go somewhere else?” Kyungsoo asked, standing next to her as someone pressed a stamp on the back of their hands. 

“He won’t let us,” She retorted in annoyance when they found Baekhyun laughing at something his girlfriend was telling him. “Trust me. He is that annoying.”

Although he didn’t seem to be as bothered as she felt, Kyungsoo nodded and walked silently by her side. They wandered around the park in awkward silence, following the couple that seemingly hung out as if they were alone.

Baekhyun was so absorbed by his perfect girlfriend that he didn’t notice when Gyuri and the writer fell behind and took a different path. It was only then that she started to enjoy the event. She had to swallow her pride and accept that just like Mina said, she was kind of liking the festival despite the overwhelming amount of people around them.

Every track of the park was flanked by human statues standing on wooden platforms. For the first couple of minutes, Kyungsoo and her, just admired them in silence until a random kid ran from somewhere behind them. They watched him drop a few coins in a plastic cup placed in front of the platform of one of the statues. As if it was a machine, the statue moved, and Gyuri felt Kyungsoo jolting in surprise by her side as the person in costume high-fived the kid. When she looked at the writer, his eyes were wide in awe, as a big and nice smile spread across his face.

“Do you have change?” She asked, realizing every statue had a cup for coins near their platforms and got suddenly excited to see them all move.

“We should buy something.” He suggested, already bringing a few checks out of his wallet.

“This is so exciting.” Gyuri giggled to herself when Kyungsoo strode away to the nearest food stall.

Gyuri felt her legs slowly come to a halt and her smile disappear when they found Baekhyun standing in front of a statue that twirled and motioned him to do the same. He did as told, and the statue clapped, delighted but only to show him how to twirl the girl next to him. If it was her, Gyuri would’ve stepped back almost immediately and hid behind someone. Of course, Baekhyun chose someone that played along. Mina laughed, letting Baekhyun twirl her around just like the statue wanted.

“You don’t have to torture yourself,” Kyungsoo whispered as they watched the couple smile at each other.

“It isn’t that it’s not me, don’t believe me that shallow.” She explained, trying to rub the pain off her chest as she followed Kyungsoo away from the impromptu dancing show. “I've just never seen him like this and that hurts.”

Kyungsoo simply gave her a look that felt full of empathy that managed to comfort her before he told her to wait for him on the nearest bench. Not wanting to think about anything, Gyuri followed the instructions and waited for him, fixating her eyes on the tips of her shoes.

Minutes later, Kyungsoo was back and holding a huge strawberry milkshake in his hands and Gyuri’s first reaction was to wince just to imagine the amount of sugar that thing had. She could feel her tastebuds protesting even before actually taking a sip. However, not wanting to be rude, she grabbed the drink, thanked him but hesitated for a second. 

“Don’t think about it.” He said, leveling to her eye level and gently nudging the drink towards her, “You need sugar."

Unsure, Gyuri did it, bracing herself for the sugar rush to punch her in the face, but it never came. The strawberry milkshake was as bland and tasteless as water, and the more she sipped and drank, the hardest it was to believe that she couldn't taste the slightest bit of sweetness.

"It happens when you feel uncomfortable," Kyungsoo explained.

“It's like the candies," She made the observation, grasping the calmness and sense of security in his voice and knowledge.

Kyungsoo nodded, giving her a small smile but their little moment was interrupted by Mina’s voice demanding a strawberry milkshake as well as she remarked, with a sting of jealousy, of how much of a thoughtful date Kyungsoo was. Gyuri didn’t care in the slightest about Mina’s rambling. All Gyuri was aware of was Baekhyun's scowl as his eyes went from her to Kyungsoo and the fact that he was still in front of her with one knee on the ground.

Like it happened on that first time they met at the restaurant, Kyungsoo ignored the glares and without explaining himself to anyone, he held her hand securely in his and helped her up. Gyuri heard him say something, she saw his lips move and gesture somewhere but every single cell in her only registered the sound of Baekhyun’s voice, the evident pout in his face, and the confusion taking over his expression.

“...But you don’t like strawberries, Gyuri.” Her friend mumbled as they walked past them and left him at the mercy of his demanding girlfriend.

That was partially true. Gyuri didn’t eat strawberries at any given chance as they weren’t her favorite fruit, which altogether was far from her not liking them. However, Baekhyun decided that she hated them just because he had never seen her eat one. Gyuri thought about that logic and found it so dumb that her grasp around the milkshake cup tightened in a wave of annoyance she didn't know where it came from.

“We have change now.” Kyungsoo interrupted her internal rambling and showed her a handful of coins.

Forgetting about the turmoil inside her, Gyuri found herself smiling only because Kyungsoo seemed beyond excited. His big and brown eyes were wide in wonder and eagerness, and the excitement in him was so contagious that she wasn't planning on spoiling the experience for him.

“This one is from Mexico.” Gyuri read out loud as Kyungsoo admired the mariachi painted in dusted black and gold. 

She dropped a few coins on the cup, except the statue didn’t move immediately as some others did. Gyuri just stared at it, hopeful that it would do something at some point, but nothing happened. Disappointed, they were about to leave when a Mexican tune started, and the statue lowered his sombrero to salute her. Then it took a proud stance, and to her absolute delight, it started dancing. She heard Kyungsoo by her side gasped in awe as the guy danced in perfect balance on such a small surface. 

A couple of minutes later, the statue ended the dance with a bow and flashed a dashing smile back to Gyuri. The writer was the first to start clapping, and she followed right away, just as amazed. The mariachi winked at her, and Gyuri immediately felt her cheeks flare but not before she did the same back at him. The statue chuckled, flashing a huge, unbelievable white smile at her.

“Kyungsoo, take me away,” Gyuri mumbled, pulling his arm, “take me away before I spend all of your money on him.”

Laughing, Kyungsoo dragged her away while still slightly in a daze by the flirty mariachi and as soon as she was out of danger of falling for a stranger, he left her behind in the search for the next statue.

Still giggling to herself, Gyuri finished her milkshake and caught up with the writer, who was standing still in front of a statue. She joined him and almost let out a sound of amazement. The next statue was an old man in what looked like a wool blazer, standing next to an old accordion-style camera on a tripod. Gyuri was sure the camera was obscenely and comically huge. 

Kyungsoo was the one that dropped the coins into the cup, and as expected, the statue started moving. The cameraman gushed over the writer as if he had found the most handsome man ever. Gyuri couldn’t help but giggle at the embarrassment in his face, but that only caught the statue's eyes. She instantly froze under the sudden attention and felt her heart skip a beat when the cameraman made dramatic hand movements for her to move closer to Kyungsoo.

Gyuri could feel him stand next to her, and she was too startled to do anything else but watch the statue going behind the camera and make a face at them. Kyungsoo chuckled when the cameraman made movements more vehemently for them to stand closer to each other. Between the soft chuckle that came out of Kyungsoo and the sudden chain of events, she felt her cheeks heat up when he took her hand and drew it through his arm, placing his hand on top of hers.

The statue clapped, delighted, and ran back behind the camera. Before the picture was snapped, Gyuri dared herself to look up at Kyungsoo. She found him softly smiling at the camera, and his head tilted closer to hers in a stance that felt way too intimate for the kind of relationship they had.

Ignoring the sudden thrill and warmth feeling spreading through her skin, she looked forward to the camera and smiled. She never expected a flash coming out of the camera and even less to see the statue coming over to them, handing them an actual instant picture of them together.

Kyungsoo let her keep the picture, and awkwardly, they wandered off in different directions though they kept on finding each other in the crowd. Acting as if nothing had happened, they just smiled at each other before resuming their way to admire the rest of the statues.

Eventually, Gyuri heard Kyungsoo calling her name. His voice was unexpectedly loud, and he was smiling brightly as if he had just discovered the coolest thing ever. She joined him, infected by his excitement, and once by his side, she found the statue was just as amazing as his expression. A man was riding a bicycle with a leather bag hanging crossbody over a vest, a postman worn-out hat on his head, and an envelope in his hand. Gyuri immediately knew what he was portraying.

“You should see this one,” Kyungsoo mumbled as he slipped a few coins into her hand. 

With an excited nod, Gyuri dropped the coins in the cup by the wooden box, and flashing a huge smile, the statue started pedaling, reciting what sounded like a poem in a foreign language. Once done, the statue blew a whistle. To her surprise, it jumped off the bicycle to give the envelope to her as it showed a gentle smile. Kyungsoo nudged her forward, and she mirrored the smile the mailman gave her and even more when it bowed in a very theatrical manner. After that, the mailman went back to his bike, brought out another envelope of his leather bag, and froze again.

“That was so cool.” She mumbled, slightly in a daze.

“Is there anything in the envelope?” Kyungsoo asked as they walked away to another statue. 

“Of course there isn’t,” Gyuri snorted, “Can you imagine how many letters he must have printed if he’s just giving them out every time someone gives him a coin?”

“It's not empty.” Kyungsoo pointed out, and Gyuri had to concede that the envelope felt thicker.

They just stood there, in the middle of the square, as Gyuri opened the envelope to find a folded piece of paper inside and her heart softened at the words written. It happened to be one of her favorite excerpts of D.O.'s book, and she couldn't help but feel strangely comforted. However, the moment Baekhyun and Mina found them, the sting in her chest twisted uncomfortably.

Gyuri shut her mouth tightly, exasperated. Not entirely sure if it was at Mina’s antics or the effects she had on Baekhyun and subsequently what his reactions did to her heart. She firmly believed Mina wasn’t ill-intended but just as smitten with Baekhyun as Baekhyun seemed to be with her, and there wasn’t much Gyuri could do about that.

As if the curse was alive and aware of her mind, something twisted in her chest when she caught Baekhyun beaming a smile at his girlfriend, completely captivated. Gyuri had to force her body to look elsewhere and walk away even if she could feel something creeping under her skin. 

With tears threatening to fall, she rummaged through her purse, searching for the candies tin can and focusing on her breathing as she practically ran away from the pain. By the time she managed to get some candies into her mouth, she was coming into a pop-up gift shop and was closely followed by Kyungsoo.

She halted for a second, aware that she ran away, leaving the rest behind and that that could have made Baekhyun grow suspicious of her. Mortified of her cowardice, she evaded Kyungsoo’s eyes when he stood before her. He just observed her in silence, and without saying anything, he went further into the shop, pulling her softly by the arm.

Gyuri let the trinkets distract her, and his steady presence by her side calmed her down and gave her something to hold onto. Without realizing it, the squirming inside her heart stopped, and she found herself smiling at an absentminded Kyungsoo grabbing some cutesy turtle toys. She just observed him bringing the small toy closer to his face and glaring at the turtle as if he was in a staring contest against it. Then he placed it back on the shelf and moved on.  

“For being such a best seller worldwide known author,” Gyuri pointed out, and he looked at her taken aback, “you don’t talk much.”

The reaction was immediate. Gyuri saw his cheeks rising as his ears got red, and his eyes avoided looking at her. As if wanting to hide his embarrassment from her, Kyungsoo covered his mouth, but not before Gyuri heard his muffled laugh and saw his smile. 

“Cute.” She observed.

She felt unexpectedly proud of herself for bringing such a riveting expression out of him that she had to look away to calm her nerves down. Thankfully, something in the corner of her eyes caught her attention.

“I’m not cute.” He insisted, and she could see how hard he was trying to placate his smile.

“I beg to differ.” Gyuri added, “We have to commemorate this moment.”

She grabbed him by his sleeve and pulled him towards the stall that caught her attention and where a photo booth was installed. Gyuri felt his resistance almost immediately as soon as he realized where she was taking him. She kind of had to give it to him that he tried really hard to stop her. Kyungsoo came to a stop, planting his feet to the ground so that she had to grab his arm and pull him into the booth.

“Why are you making me do this?” He asked as she handed him some random props for the pictures.

“It’s fun.”

“Stop.” He insisted, grabbing her arms when she tried to put some kitty ears in his head.

“Amuse me,” She persisted, not really expecting him to cave in so easily.

Kyungsoo actually did it. He caved in, dropping his hands in defeat. He kept the kitty's ears on and faced the camera, looking positively mortified. In a blink of an eye, the machine started snapping pictures, and it was a silent shoot as they stood in different poses while the lights flashed in front of them.

Just like it happened with the first picture, they remained awkwardly quiet as they returned the props to their place. When they stepped out of the booth, it was to find Baekhyun right outside, reaching out for the pictures that slipped out of the machine. In a blast of sheer instinct, Gyuri slapped his hand away.

“They are mine.” She said.

Not strong enough to see the hurt in his eyes, she just grabbed the pictures and walked to Kyungsoo. She gave him a look to let him do the rest of the evasive maneuvers, but it didn’t exactly work as Gyuri wanted. Minutes later, they were all seated at a small table. They ordered drinks and snacks as if they all got along as the best friends Mina and Baekhyun pretended they were. 

“So, what do you do?” She heard Baekhyun ask as soon as he was settled in front of him.

Gyuri went stiff in the wake of the question. She never thought about that as she was mindful of keeping the secret to herself. However, it never crossed her mind the possibility of Baekhyun asking such questions. It was harmless curiosity and normal considering the setting, but Gyuri felt uneasy nonetheless.

“Accounting,” Kyungsoo replied nonchalantly, almost ignoring Baekhyun as he busied himself with the snacks. 

Gyuri stared at Kyungsoo, taken aback by his lack of excitement in his reply. She wasn’t the only one that noticed it because Baekhyun simply waited for him to say more but after a long and painful silence, an annoyed scowl deepened on his pretty face.

“That’s it?” He pressed, unconvinced.

Kyungsoo nodded and, feeling her jaw drop, Gyuri kept staring at him, shocked. He was too modest. Kyungsoo wasn’t just the best-selling author in Korea. He was still on the New York Times Best Sellers list and had been granted countless awards. There was even a heated debate on whether or not he applied to win a Pulitzer as his nationality was still unknown and some thought he was probably American due to the fighting nature of the book's protagonist. Gyuri found that rumor ridiculous but not as absurd as the one that claimed he was a runner-up for the Nobel Prize in literature. That last one sounded too crazy for her and yet, Kyungsoo showed himself a bit too modest.

With a nod, Baekhyun changed the topic. He wasn’t interested whatsoever in whatever Kyungsoo could add about the subject and shifted his attention to his girlfriend. Other than the music playing around the dining area, the silence at the table felt heavy to Gyuri until a tune she knew picked her ears.

It was one of those catchy songs that could be heard everywhere she went, and the lyrics came to her mind. She started mumbling them, swaying from one side to another as her body relaxed at the melody, and she caught herself right on time. Baekhyun was singing the lyrics to himself too, and she found herself bobbing her head along with his voice. Suddenly aware of what she was absently doing, she noticed the stillness next to her.

“I like the song.” She muttered when she found Kyungsoo staring at her.

Feeling her cheeks burning with the embarrassment of getting caught doing something so silly, Gyuri snatched a corndog from Kyungsoo's plate and stuffed her mouth with it. Baekhyun, on the other hand, pulled his phone out to shazam the song, but the music was too faint and the sound of the crowd around them too loud to get the name of it. 

Silently, Kyungsoo grabbed the phone from Baekhyun's hand and walked away. He would have stood up like a sprint and gone after the writer if they weren't all so stunned to watch Kyungsoo climbing up on one of the benches. They saw him raise his arm towards the speaker, placing the phone right in front of it. 

Seconds later, he was back with the artist’s album on the screen of the phone. Feeling fuzzy inside, Gyuri grabbed the device and meant to look for the song on her phone, but when she pulled it out of her pocket, she found the pictures with Kyungsoo as well.

“Thank you.” She smiled at him.

With the song completely forgotten and careful to not crumble and damage any of them, Gyuri placed both pictures over the table and the fuzziness in her chest got stronger and more pleasant.

“Can I keep one?” He asked, looking at the pictures with renewed interest.

Gyuri observed them for a split second before deciding that she wanted to keep both pictures. She had a nice couple-like snap of Kyungsoo looking like a dashing boyfriend and an overly cutesy image of the writer with cat ears and a filter of rosy cheeks, red lips, and sparkling eyes. She couldn’t get rid of any of those pictures.

Shaking her head, she grabbed both pictures and pressed them against her chest. It never crossed her mind how strange it could be to have his attention on that particular part of her body. Gyuri tried to convince herself that Kyungsoo was simply staring at the pictures in her hands. Her hands were just conveniently pressed against her chest, but nothing beyond that.   

“Give them back.” He said in a serious tone that made her reconsider her decision.

“She said she will keep them,” Baekhyun added although his words were barely registered either by Kyungsoo and Gyuri as they kept glaring at each other. 

“Why do you want them so much?” Gyuri asked, curious to know.

“You look pretty on them.”

Kyungsoo spoke in such an unceremonious manner that the silence that came after his answer was deafening. The fuzziness was too much to handle that Gyuri couldn't help but smile. She felt a tingle on her skin in a sensation she had never felt before. The sting in her chest shifted somehow as if it retracted and cowered at his words, and she kind of wanted to do the same out of pure giddiness.

“That was so smooth.” Mina mumbled to herself, and somehow, that managed to bring Gyuri back to her senses.

“So do you.” She retorted back, ignoring the heat she felt on her cheeks, and lifted her arm, holding the pictures far from his reach. “I’m keeping them.”

The quick motion made her gasp, and she could feel her face burning because she couldn't tell what actually startled her. She wasn't sure if it was Kyungsoo's suddenly leaning over her to grab the pictures or the hand clasped around his arm, preventing him from getting any closer. Gyuri couldn't really tell. What she could grasp was the uncomfortable silence that came afterward when they all looked at Baekhyun. They were all surprised not only at the sudden action but at the visible irritation on his face, and the tension became unbearable when Kyungsoo stared back at him, unfazed.

“Baek, I want coffee,” Mina chirped over animatedly.

If Gyuri hadn't been aware of the murderous glint in her friend's eyes, she would've found Mina's tone annoying. However, she was only trying to distract her boyfriend. Gyuri had to admire her composure because she managed to make him let the writer's arm go.

“These waffles go so well with coffee.” Mina pressed, smiling at him.

“She doesn’t like having people touching her,” Baekhyun muttered in a huff as he stood up and walked away.

Mortified, Mina apologized, forcing a smile before leaving the table as well to follow her boyfriend into the crowd and leaving Gyuri behind fully made into a nervous wreck. The silly excitement and giddiness of everything Kyungsoo did was nothing compared to what a single display of emotion from Baekhyun could do to her heart.

The sensation of the pain crept through her flesh. The pressure on her chest, and the realization that no matter how much she tried to engage with anyone else other than Baekhyun was hopeless, made it impossible for her to stay still. Just like she'd been doing lately, Gyuri ran away.

She bumped into numerous people as she tried to get some air into her lungs. Her body felt like it was about to collapse just at the memory of his angry eyes and furrowed brows, and what she needed was an isolated place to hide. She needed to find a safe place even if everything around her seemed to spin out of control.

Somehow, she found a small and dark gap between some booths, and Gyuri didn't even care to check what they were selling on each of them. She just hid there and let the darkness engulf her, but she didn't even succeed to calm down in that small hiding spot when she heard someone whine.

“Back off…” The girl warned, and as if in a sudden overdrive of adrenaline, Gyuri was ready to come out of the shadows, “You seriously need to back off. She’s clearly uncomfortable.”

The last sentence made her stop. To Gyuri's annoyance, she recognized that voice that she had to lean closer to the wall until she finally heard Baekhyun retort. 

“How would you know?” 

“You’re making it weird not just for her," Mina pointed out in a more mellowed tone, "but for everyone else too.”

“Are you jealous?” He asked, and Gyuri could sense the disbelief in his voice.

“Baekhyun, sweetheart, she is just as nice and adorable as you described her.” Mina explained with a soft and caring tone that made Gyuri wonder if they were talking about her. “And I’m not jealous of your friendship with her but you might be ruining her chances with your attitude.”

“What attitude?" Baekhyun shot back, confirming what she thought, "She’s the one that's acting all weird.” 

Gyuri winced in pain. It wasn't even the sweet and condescending tone in Mina's voice but the fact that Baekhyun was talking about her behind her back.

"That dude is getting all handsy with her and she's letting him, and..." Baekhyun argued, his voice rising in frustration, "And she never does her nails.”

"They're dating, why wouldn't she want to look pretty?" Mina asked, and even from a distance, Gyuri could hear the amusement in her voice. “Sometimes, something as small as getting our nails done can make us feel prettier.”

“She’s already pretty.” Baekhyun retorted, and whatever Mina’s reaction was, it made her friend chuckle.

Gyuri thought she heard Baekhyun whisper something that had his girlfriend giggling in response, and she knew that was her cue to leave. She stepped out to the light, and afraid to even look around and find him doing something that might hurt her more, she went back to the food court where Kyungsoo was patiently waiting for her.

“What happened?” The writer asked.

“I heard them.” She gasped, collapsing in the chair next to him and realizing until then that she was on the brink of hyperventilating.

“Breathe.” He whispered, his hand softly rubbing slow and soothing circles against her back. “Focus on opening your lungs.”

She had been too upset and shaken to even think to try. However, her body seemed to listen to Kyungsoo well and without any resistance. Gyuri managed to calm down with the help of his gentle hands, his soft voice reminding her to breathe, and his overall, soothing presence. In a matter of minutes, she could finally take a deep breath that filled her lungs with something close to relief.

Her efforts were in vain though. Baekhyun and Mina were back, both of them looking at her and Kyungsoo as if they had grown a second head. Mina with curiosity and a hint of mischief, and Baekhyun, well, he was just bluntly glaring at the writer.

After that, everything went downhill for Gyuri. Mina insisted on walking down a trail of lights and flowers that apparently, was the must-look spot to get beautiful couple pictures to post on social media. All Gyuri wanted was to stay away from Baekhyun. She desperately wanted to alleviate the sting deep in her chest and breathe normally but she found herself witnessing the owner of her heart holding someone else's hand.

"Kyungsoo, I can't do this," was all Gyuri could mumble before the ground under her feet moved, "I can't breathe."

Something was bubbling up in her chest, coming slowly up her throat. Terrified to start throwing up flower petals in public and especially in front of Baekhyun, Gyuri turned around and got away from there with Kyungsoo's help.

“Where’s your watch?” He asked as soon as they found refuge on a nearby bench.

Gyuri desperately fumbled through her purse, but her hands were shaking too much. She could barely keep the watch in her hands without it slipping through her fingers that Kyungsoo had to help her put it on as fast as possible.

“You have tools,” He said, firmly, looking straight into her eyes and squeezing the hand she had over her watch, “and you know how to yield it, remember that.”

It was harder said than done. Gyuri understood what Kyungsoo said, and she meant to do as told but whatever was boiling inside her body had utter control of her. In a blink of an eye, some overpowering predilection compelled her to do the opposite. She looked aside to see where Baekhyun was and what he was doing, but Kyungsoo was fast enough to stop her. His hand cupped her face and, as gently as ever, turned it back to him.

"I can't hold it anymore, Kyungsoo," Gyuri stuttered, feeling her eyes watering because of the familiar itchiness in the back of her throat. "He will see it."

“You can cry if you need it.” He added, quite tenderly, and Gyuri almost fell for that.

“No, he will notice it.” She begged. ”I can’t let him see it.”

“I won’t let him see you like that," Kyungsoo reassured her, bringing her closer to hide her face from Baekhyun, “I promise.”

Shaking her head and refusing to let her body take over, Gyuri sat up straight, swallowing the pain down. If she let it happen, even if it was just tearing up, she would never stop. She couldn’t let Baekhyun see her struggling. One single tear would send him fussing over her, thinking that Kyungsoo did something to hurt her.

Gyuri opened her hand, and Kyungsoo poured a handful of candies, which she instantly threw into her mouth. Just like that, with the faint relief those candies brought, she focused everything on her to calm down until Baekhyun and Mina found them. Unable to look at her best friend, Gyuri stared at Mina instead, only to notice that she was possessively holding onto his arm.

“Are you alright?” The girl asked, genuinely concerned.

“I’m just tired.” She replied, trying her hardest to smile.

“I think we’re calling it a night,” Kyungsoo added, standing up.

Just then, Gyuri felt his absence. She stared at his back, realizing how close he had been. How firm his arm had been around her shoulders. She was so immersed in her breathing, commanding her mind to take charge and numb her heart that she hadn’t realized that Kyungsoo never let her go. It was then that she missed the warmth of his hand on her cheeks and the safety of his caring presence so overwhelmingly close to her.

Embarrassed in a way, although Gyuri couldn’t tell why, but she avoided her friend and followed Kyungsoo down the path to the exit. As she left the couple behind, she suddenly heard Baekhyun come to life, whining. Mina told him to calm down and knowing that whatever expression he had on his face would destroy all the self-control she had so hard to get, Gyuri covered her ears and caught up with the writer.

“I want to go home.” She mumbled, throwing the last couple of candies left on the tin can. “I’m losing it.”

Kyungsoo only nodded and kept walking, pointing to somewhere far away from where they were, but once again, Gyuri heard Baekhyun behind her, calling her. She had to close her eyes at the sound of his voice saying her name with such urgency. However, her good manners got the best of her, and they had to stop their escape.

“We were thinking about getting something to eat after this,” Mina said, smiling through and through, seemingly excited. “Like a true double date.”

“Gyuri needs to be home,” Kyungsoo explained, as calm and polite as possible.

“Did something happen?” Baekhyun asked directly to her, and the only thing Gyuri could do was to shake her head. “We can drop you off.”

“I’m taking her back home,” Kyungsoo added, and the surprised gasp Baekhyun let out finally made her look at him.

The itchiness came back in a rush, although her heart swooned at the severity of his expression. He didn’t look that happy. While Baekhyun could lose his temper easily in a childish way, sometimes, he knew how to control himself. She could see the genuine annoyance in the tiny yet unmistakable frown on his face as his eyes glared at the man standing next to her but whatever he was thinking, he let it slide.

“Hey, are you sure about this?” He asked her, once again as if he was giving her another chance to make the right choice. “Your house is on my way.”

“It’s fine.”

That was all Gyuri could say before her throat closed up. She forced a small smile through the pain and waved a hand to Mina, just to not come off as rude even if she didn't want to, and then followed Kyungsoo down the street.

Still in a daze, coughing and feeling lightheaded, Gyuri came to her senses once inside Kyungsoo’s car. For how long did they walk? She didn’t know. Gyuri couldn’t even tell how she got inside the car or how long Kyungsoo had been driving in silence. It took her a couple of seconds to gather her bearings and recognize where they were at that moment. As if knowing her surroundings was some sort of relief, the coughing fit was over, and she felt her windpipe open. Finally able to let out a big sigh, she closed her eyes, exhausted.

“That was taxing, even for me.” Kyungsoo added after a while and rubbed his hands over his eyes as they waited during a red light, “Are you alright?”

“I’m sorry.” She pouted, finally having a clear mind to think, “You know, Baekhyun isn’t that much of an asshole, normally or like, most of the time and...”

“Don’t...” Kyungsoo interrupted her, his voice still leveled and relaxed, “It is not you who has to apologize.”

“But you don’t know him.” Gyuri defended her friend.

Uncomfortable with the way the writer could disregard what she had to say, Gyuri couldn't stop the harsh tone in her words. The annoyance bubbled inside her just to look at his stupid, calmed face and his unfazed attitude, and she was ready to throw hands at him, figurately. The writer beat her on that.

“No matter how much you love him.” Kyungsoo replied, “But Your unconditional affection for him doesn’t give him any right for you to apologize for his faults.”

Gyuri felt her face burning and her blood boiling. She wanted to curse at him. She needed to raise her voice and prove why he was wrong in his assumptions. She desperately wanted to say so many things, and yet, her eyes stung with tears. Just as fast as her anger flared, she recognized that that kind of feeling scared her. It annoyed her that she could get bothered by something so little and insignificant. Annoyed with herself, she just crossed her arms and looked out of the window, ignoring his annoying and calm poise until they arrived at her place.

Silently and still upset, Gyuri meant to get out of the car as fast as she could but when she was about to open the door, Kyungsoo called her with the softest and most tender voice she’d ever heard.

“Just cry it out.” He said, looking at her, and she noticed that despite the stuffing silence that almost drowned her, the look in his eyes was still gentle.

“Why do you always tell me to let it go and cry?” She asked, halting for a moment, “I’d assume that fighting back a disease meant, well, fight it back.”

Gyuri saw the change in his features. The gentleness faded away, and his face gave her nothing. He just stared at her. He blinked a couple of times but other than that, he was just so hard to read that she had to wait for him to explain himself.

“Resisting only makes the roots find a weaker spot,” He explained, after a while, “It will kill you faster.”

The last sentence was merely a whisper, and Gyuri couldn’t help it. The anger was all gone and forgotten and replaced by the very same fear that had been haunting her since the day she found out she contracted the curse. She wanted to cry and bawl her eyes out so she could just get rid of the horror once and for all. 

“Yeah, that makes sense." Gyuri hesitated to say before opening the door, and moved by a sudden wave of regret, she brought the pictures out of her pocket and left them in the cupholder between them, "Good night."

[rappaccini]

travis martinez is a much more interesting character thematically than i think anyone in the yj fandom has thus far given him credit for.

putting aside that he is 1) a teenager 2) full of 90s-era toxic masculinity 3) who is going through the same fucked-up experience as the girls, 4) with the added stress of losing his father and trying and constantly failing to take care of his kid brother (because he is a traumatized teenager)...

ok. the thematic purpose of travis, beyond being nat's Fridged Wife Who Motivates The Plot in the present, in 1996 is to be the lynchpin of the subversion of the gender-imbalance group dynamic.

(an aside: hilarious in a meta way how the fandom treats the one underwritten male char in a mostly female cast the same way they usually treat the one underwritten female character in a mostly male cast: with anger, hatred and refusal to examine him with any nuance, especially as it pertains to being in a relationship with someone he isn’t ‘worthy’ of. aside over.)

to put it simply: flip the genders. imagine that the yellowjackets are an all-male team, and travis is the only teenage girl alone for months in the woods with a pack of hormonal athletic teenage boys who are going feral.

now you get it.

i think it's brilliant that that isn't even a possibility in the audience's minds at first that the same danger we automatically attribute to 'teenage girl alone, surrounded by boys with no one to help' goes completely unnoticed, when you know the first thing we'd all think if the genders were swapped would vary from 'haha hope nothing happens 🙂' to 'you're in fucking danger.'

it's so ingrained in us to assume, because of all the notions about teenage girl behavior vs teenage boy behavior, that travis will either be totally safe with them or The Man (jackie's 109 'dude stranded with a bunch of babes' comment, anyone?) who's gonna have an incredible time hooking up with all these girls.

and it doesn't occur to anyone watching to think that he might be in just as much danger, or that the girls might be capable of having the exact same bad intentions and being willing to act on them... until it already happens in doomcoming. (and even then, i don't see anyone in the fandom discussing this at all, or considering how they'd feel about that scene if it were a group of boys doing it to a girl)

so uh. a theory, about what travis's role in the wilderness cult could be:

[spoilers for seasons 1 and 2 up to 205]

the communal boyfriend. i am 100% serious. here's what i'm basing this off of:

the yellowjacket symbolism. it's the title of the series, the mascot of the team, and therefore should be examined more closely for symbolism and potential plot revelations.

yellowjackets in nature are particularly vicious species of wasp. they are a cannibalistic, territorial species who can sting many times without dying, who have an almost entirely female social structure-- queen, workers/soldiers-- with the only males being drones used only for reproduction. they live underground, hibernate and breed in spring. only the queen breeds and she disposes of any competition.

if the show's going to take the symbolism to its logical conclusion in terms of parallels, the girlcult must resemble a yellowjacket hive: we already have mostly-female cannibals occupying a territory that they are beginning to map in s2. they have retreated indoors during winter.

going forward, it'd make sense if

with javi's mysterious survival outdoors in a climate we know that will kill anyone who sleeps outside overnight, all these mysterious trees with melted snow, lottie envisioning underground tunnels, (and to a lesser extent the girls finding a stream running red and the compass not working, which could be caused by mineral runoff + the plane likely crashing in british columbia, which is full of defunct mines)... there is some kind of bunker, underground cave/cave system or mine that the group will find.

if the showrunners aren't lying, the group will split, ergo one needs to find a shelter other than the cabin. that underground lair will become the base camp of one of the two clans, probably lottie's if the symbolism will be at its strongest.

they will likely begin shrooming and dooming in earnest in spring/s3.

lottie is the only character who is built up enough and has the sufficient motivations and sway with the group to be the yellowjacket queen. it can't be any of the jv girls because they aren't developed enough. it can't be mari or van, because they're consummate followers. it can't be akilah, who doesn't have any interest in leadership, or misty, who no one would follow. it can't be nat, because she's a loner. it could be shauna, who has moments of leadership potential (see: starting the midnight snackie, being the source of the group's hope via her pregnancy), or taissa, who wants to lead the group badly (and whose fugue personality is connected somehow to the cult).

but so far, the only character with a built-up support base who buzz around her protectively, who keeps being framed with antlers around her head, is lottie.

so. lottie is the closest thing to a queen the group will have. whether this means she's literally delegating tasks, or behaving as an oracle figure is irrelevant. she is the leader.

the previous yellowjacket queen was jackie, who lottie humiliates and dethrones during doomcoming, when she crowns herself with the antlers. and what was jackie up to during doomcoming? fucking travis. we'll get back to that in a sec. first:

lottie will have some involvement in the death of shauna's baby. maybe she and her cult sacrifice it. maybe they smother it. maybe they leave it outside so ~the forest can decide what to do with it.~ hopefully it isn't justified as ~just a misunderstanding~ -- if the symbolism is at its strongest, the queen, who at this point can't be anyone other than lottie, will make the choice to kill or in some way cause the death of the baby because it isn't hers, in order to keep control of the group and weaken shauna (who is showing moments of strong leadership potential).

since the yellowjacket queen is the only one to breed (see: jackie getting angry at shauna for getting pregnant/having sex before she could, and taking travis, the only eligible guy, away for sex during the party), and since we've already seen travis show attraction to lottie, and lottie attempt to fuck travis during doomcoming...

and since the only male yellowjackets are drones used only for sex...

my guess is that travis's role in this society is as, well, community dick. this isn't gonna be the bachelor. this is going to be dubconny, creepy and deeply disturbing.

that was my main point, but here are a few others.

2. consider teen girl hierarchy: the highest-ranking teen girls are always in relationships, and within teen girl social groups, boyfriends are more like accessories than partners. a teenage girl's status is increased among her peers if she has a boyfriend, and if that boyfriend is desirable.

it follows that whoever the leader of the cult is (... almost certainly lottie), a symbol of her power over the others would be having (sexual) access to travis, and, if doomcoming is foreshadowing, being able to bestow it on others in her inner circle as a reward.

3. back on travis as a subversion of gender roles: instead of being a hunter, i think it'd be a natural reversal for him to end up being the one who stays at home and has to provide sex for survival. (recall his comments in 105 re men vs women and the role of the hunter)

4. if nat's s1 comments about travis not believing in lottie are going to make sense, he has to at some point before the rescue turn on lottie and her belief system and return to nat and her side of the clan divide.

the obvious breaking point would be javi, who seems afraid of lottie in particular (and likely witnessed her doomcoming activities) and may not want to go along with her activities. if lottie or her followers harm or kill javi, travis has to have a crisis of faith.

for what its worth, i also think that if he ends up in this ‘arrangement’ with lottie's cult, or realizes where it's going, that stands as sufficient motivation for him to break away from them and return to nat's side. it's not Why I Think It'll Happen, but it does strengthen the idea.

5. the writers say that the girls do far more transgressive shit than cannibalism.

sure, rape/coercing sex from someone doesn't have to be it, but it's definitely in the ballpark. especially if it's girls doing it to a boy, because of how little people are able to wrap their minds around it and how uncomfortable it would make them.

i mean, again, look at how people react to doomcoming and just consider: if it were a group of drugged-up feral teenage boys trying to have sex with an equally drugged-up teenage girl, pinning her down, ripping her clothes off, biting her, and then responding to her running from them by hunting her through the woods, tying her down, gagging her, and nearly slitting her throat... i don't think people would be brushing this aside as much. let alone insisting the ringleader is just misunderstood and well intentioned.

not exactly sure how to end this, so i'll just boomerang back to the lord of the flies question that got the story started-- why would we expect teenage girls to behave any better than teenage boys if traumatized and left to their own devices in isolation?-- ... why wouldn't this happen?

and as a depressing addendum, since he comes home in the 1990s, if this happens, he can literally tell no one because no one would believe it, or he'd become the punchline to a terrible joke.

[scotianostra]

Tragedy struck when the naval yacht Iolaire struck a reef on approaching Stornoway Harbour in the early hours of New Years Day 1919.

It has been described as the blackest day in the history of the Western Isles when more than 200 servicemen returning from the First World War died as their ship went down in sight of Stornoway harbour. Despite being Britain’s worst maritime disaster since the Titanic, the loss of the Iolaire remains little known beyond the isles.

The disaster occurred at 1.55am on 1st January 1919, when 205 Lewis and Harris men drowned as the HMY Iolaire sank in heavy seas. They had survived the war and were returning home for the New Year celebrations when the ship struck the rocks at Holm, 20 yards from the shore.

A report in the Stornoway Gazette recorded the impact of the tragedy:

No one now alive in Lewis can ever forget the 1st January 1919, and future generations will speak of it as the blackest day in the history of the island, for on it 200 of our bravest and best perished on the very threshold of their homes under the most tragic circumstances.  The terrible disaster at Holm on New Year’s morning has plunged every house and every heart in Lewis into grief unutterable.  Language cannot express the anguish, the desolation, the despair which this awful catastrophe has inflicted.  One thinks of the wide circle of blood relations affected by the loss of even one of the gallant lads, and imagination sees those circles multiplied by the number of the dead, overlapping and overlapping each other till the whole island – every hearth and home it is shrouded in deepest gloom.

Messages of sympathy were received from far and wide, including from the King and Queen and from Lord Leverhulme, who had purchased the island of Lewis the previous year. He also led calls for a disaster fund to be set up and fund raising events were initiated.   The Cinematograph Exhibitors’ Associations of Edinburgh and Glasgow arranged to take collections in all picture houses under their control for a week. A fundraising concert was arranged in the Usher Hall in Edinburgh on 14 February 1919, at which Scott Skinner, the acclaimed  fiddler and composer and many others performed.

A naval inquiry held at the time was not made public until 1970. It had concluded that no blame could be attributed to anybody as the ship’s log had been lost and all of the officers had perished.

The subject of my previous post, Iain Crichton Smith’s penned a poignant poem The Iolaire, about the tragedy, Peter May touched upon the tragedy in hius novel, The Chessmen, part of the Lewis Trilogy.

No other area of the country saw such a high percentage of its young, male, fight and die in the war.

Local man John Finlay Macleod’s actions were crucial in saving 40 lives. Macleod saw the crash from the shore, grabbed a rope, and jumped in the water to set up a rescue line. The other 39 survivors either swam to shore or were rescued from the wreck, meaning that the rescue line was responsible for more than half of the rescues that night.

The pics are of the memorials to this tragedy, the original obelisk dates to 1960 and is joined by a nearby cairn. For the centenary of the sinking, the Outer Hebridean arts institution An Lanntair commissioned a group of artists including Arthur Watson, Marian Levan, and Will Maclean to create an additional sculpture to be incorporated into the memorial. Recognizing John Finlay Macleod, the bronze showcases a coiled rope and was unveiled by Prince Charles in January 2019.

[josiebelladonna]

exact same shirt, two years apart.

(full story under the cut; 18+ please)

i weighed 225 in april 2020, up from 205 in december 2019 (no clue how that happened as life for me barely changed when the lockdowns started); i’m at 266 now, and i gained all this weight in 2021 and a little bit this year, believe it or not. i actually lost weight in quarantine, about 13 pounds: wasn’t eating much and things going on in my social life in the summer of quarantine contributed to the losses. tried getting it back over the winter, and more so when alex entered the picture. then my stepdad passed in april 2021 and all of a sudden, there was a lot more food in the house. i gained 25 pounds last summer, going from 221 to 246, followed by another five over the winter and then 15 spread out over the course of this year.

i don’t mind it: if anything, it feels good. healthy, even. my pants fit better (those old ones in the top pic fell down at every chance: they give me the biggest muffin top now 😅), everything is fuller and rounder, and i can eat a lot more—i feel stronger, too. i was always curious about the world beyond 220 pounds—from 2015 when i hit 200, to 2021 when my stepdad passed, i bounced around that range and i was curious about the 230s. now i’m actually looking at 270. 270 pounds, i should be gigantic (and my mom is planning on making gingerbread cookies and sugar cookies pretty soon here, too. gingerbread, with sugar, there’s also a few chocolate chip cookies and some oreos in the cupboard, and persimmon cookies atop the fridge. and she wants to make bread pudding at some point. and there’s apple pie in the fridge. and there’s chocolate on the coffee table before me. when i said “fuck diet culture”, i meant it.)

actually i kinda am gigantic now. i’m big.

just for reference, this was me in december 2019

and this is me just now

my bras are tighter now, too. i had difficulty keeping them on my shoulders in 2019/2020: they keep everything in place now, like they actually fit.

i felt emaciated back then, too. my stepdad, with all his problems, often snuck food when no one was looking, and objected to my mom and me treating ourselves. i couldn’t eat much—and you gotta eat. you gotta nourish yourself. he passed and suddenly, i could eat to my heart’s content, all the healthy food and all the sweet stuff. 

my body widened out, i now have a definite double under my chin, and i have a potbelly now, and it’s kinda sexy, tbh. i feel really healthy: everything is where it should be and i haven’t had a cold or anything since 2019, interestingly enough. i do have a little snoring problem, but that’s about it, though. i’m not in pain and i’m not “aching” for anything. i was thin before the world came crashing down, but i wasn’t having a good time, though. i love to eat. i love sweet, fattening food. i love vegan food. i love meat and pasta and cheese. i love so-called guilty pleasures. i love mexican food, indian food, chinese food, japanese food, vietnamese food, filipino food, french food, german food, italian food, what the baltic countries do this time of year and just gorge until new year’s… i want to “eat across” a city some day. i love to eat, and i love to eat a lot.

i wish i got chubby as a teenager, if i’m honest. my story would have been so much different (just imagine: a fat field hockey player rather than a gaunt anorexic one, i probably would’ve stuck it out much longer). and i wish i could tell 13-year-old me that it’s really not at all bad because your body actually needs to be fed and that your thoughts are lying to you and the whole world is lying to you, actually, and you can feel good by eating whatever the hell you want, and come with me in unpacking diet culture and all the bullshit that makes women (and men) destroy their bodies all for the sake of chasing ideals which are pointless anyway because to change is to live and be human.

i remember being 19 on a camping trip to the oregon coast over thanksgiving 2012 and the backstory is it was a potluck dinner, and i brought a grasshopper pie because i’m actually from 1960. and no one touched it (one of the boys brought a pecan pie and that was more welcomed) and there was no room in the miniature fridge in our yurt. so, i ate this whole pie aside from two pieces missing. solo. on top of two helpings of thanksgiving dinner. three quarters of this creamy mousse pie made with crème de la menthe, marshmallow, and a chocolate crust. and this was well before i got heavy, too, this was back when i still weighed around 150 pounds, and before i dropped down to 139, too. i often think about that pie, too, how it made my then-slim belly swell up and it felt so right, and if i can do it now. i think that was the moment of clarity for me, in hindsight: the moment i thought, “i don’t want to torment myself anymore.” a fleeting thought, but i do remember thinking it.

in fact, i actually have a pretty distinct memory of being five or six years old and wishing i could eat everything and become fat, like i muttered it to myself when no one was paying attention (i looked at my naked body when no one was looking and i wished to be fat when no one was looking, the belly kink makes a lot more sense now, doesn’t it? 😜). i have no clue what happened to it, but my aunt used to have this old black and white photograph of me wearing denim jeans and cowgirl boots, and i had no shirt on, and i was pushing my belly out as far as i could go.

i wasn’t healthy thin, either. got sick a lot and nevermind b.m.i., it’s ableist and eugenicist and serves no one. you want to go with waist to hip ratio (those measurements divided by each other; you want under 0.80 to be considered healthy. and guess what? mine at the moment is 0.74, which is perfect. yes, even with my belly, i still pull off the numbers).

so, i have literally genuinely felt this desire to be a heavyweight my whole life: 5 year old me wanted a fat belly, 13 year old me wanted to look good, and 19 year old me wanted to feel good. it’s part of my truth. it’s just one part of who i am, and i’m finally just comfortable enough to talk about it.

so, as i write this, yes, i don’t feel negative about it (if anything… you want the truth? i don’t feel fat enough. it’s not like i’m lazy or sedentary, anyway: i’m gonna eat a big slice of apple pie with ice cream and whipped cream right now and then all my mom’s cookies, and everyone obsessed with dieting—and covering up—can die mad about it).

the last time i posted pix of myself, a bunch of people unfollowed me and blocked me. their loss, i say, especially when you see these:

(that faith no more shirt has been through so much: of course i love wearing it now)

another kind of interesting thing about gaining all this weight? i feel more tomboyish than ever. i’ll go through the fat-related tags on here sometimes and i’ll look at fat women, and they’re all very feminine. whatever rings true for you, absolutely (the one dress i have, i tried it on and from the side, i looked pregnant with my well-fed belly 🤷🏻‍♀️) but i think it’s interesting that there aren’t a lot of “sportier” girls such as myself. i want to keep wearing shirts and sexy camisoles and skinny jeans and flared jeans that accentuate my legs and my hips.

yeah, man. this is all me.

all 266 pounds 😈🥵😘

[renecdote]

I posted 7,209 times in 2022

394 posts created (5%)

6,815 posts reblogged (95%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@letmetellyouaboutmyfeels

@hattalove

@octobertulip

@renecdote

@paranoidbean

I tagged 4,794 of my posts in 2022

Only 33% of my posts had no tags

#911 fox - 2,107 posts

#q - 1,959 posts

#evan buckley - 1,063 posts

#eddie diaz - 996 posts

#art - 627 posts

#911 spoilers - 504 posts

#asked and answered - 235 posts

#rb - 221 posts

#fic rec - 205 posts

#kitty - 195 posts

Longest Tag: 111 characters

#maybe beck mentioned you were their sister and i went to check out your blog because i’d been seeing your gifs?

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

Wrote this so fast I haven’t even edited it but

May’s words echo around Eddie’s head. He’s pouring coffee in the break room and they’re there:

Maybe she felt like she was missing out on a life she could have had.

He’s sitting in Frank’s office and they’re there:

If she’d been born someone else, or made different choices.

He’s lying on his couch, toes wedged under Buck’s thigh, Speed Wedding playing on the TV, and he’s thinking what if this was different?

“Hey,” Eddie says, two beers and the TV half-light spurring him to bravery. “Do you ever wonder what your life might be like if you’d been born someone else?”

Buck gives a little half laugh and turns to look at him, already smiling. “Not you too.”

It’s not the answer he expects.

“Me too?” Eddie echoes.

“Yeah, we were talking about it in the truck the other day,” Buck says. “Whether we had regrets and stuff, you know? If we wished we’d done things differently, lived different lives.”

“And do you?” Eddie asks, inexplicably nervous. He’s not sure if he wants Buck’s answer to be yes or no. Maybe both.

Buck shrugs. “I don’t know,” he says, picking at the label on his bottle. “My life is pretty good right now.”

A sideways flick of his gaze in Eddie’s direction, there and gone. Maybe just a trick of the light.

Eddie swallows. “Yeah,” he agrees. Right now right now right now. “I like to think we always would have ended up here.”

He’s rewarded with a bright smile, the kind that lights up Buck’s whole face, like Eddie reached right into his heart and pulled it out.

“You think?”

Eddie can’t imagine a life that doesn’t have Buck in it. Most days he doesn’t let himself imagine anything more than that—this, friends—either, but… beer, and TV half-light, and feeling brave.

“Maybe not exactly like this, but… You and me?” His voice must be giving him away, but he doesn’t care. “Yeah. Always.”

Buck’s smile is softer then, something a little more shy, a little more…

A little more.

“Always,” he murmurs. “Yeah, I think so too.”

Maybe it’s the stutter of Eddie’s heart in his chest, but it sounds an awful lot like forever.

You and me, forever.

Maybe he’s not missing out, Eddie thinks. Maybe he doesn’t need to be born someone else. Maybe always and forever are still in reach.

Maybe, one day, he’ll be lying on this couch, toes wedged under Buck’s thigh, Speed Wedding playing on the TV, and he’ll think I wouldn’t change a thing.

273 notes - Posted April 26, 2022

#4

the further we get from the shooting the more I can’t believe they did that. they really did that. live on our tv screens. wtf

338 notes - Posted October 9, 2022

#3

stay (so the world may become like itself again)

[Read on AO3]

Eddie kisses his best friend at a wedding.

At a Christmas party.

On New Year’s Eve.

He kisses Buck in the carpark after a team night at a bar on a cool February night, drunk on more than just beer and cocktails, giddy with the taste of salt on Buck’s lips.

“Come home with me,” he whispers into the space between them.

And Buck smiles, hand warm on Eddie’s cheek, and replies, “Where else am I going to go?”

They’re tipsy and giggling, shushing each other as they stumble through the door—then realising they don’t have to because Chris isn’t home. He’s at the Wilsons’ house, will be all night, which is probably why Hen gave Eddie such a knowing look when he followed Buck out of the bar.

“Buck,” he says now, his back against the wall, Buck’s mouth on his neck, the world dark and narrowed to all the places where they touch and the ache in every place they don’t. He doesn’t know what to say except: “Buck, please. Please.”

It’s Eddie’s house, but Buck takes him to bed, guiding him by the hand through the hallway and pushing him back against the sheets.

It’s Eddie’s house, but is it? Isn’t it—can’t it be—their house?

“I should tell you,” Buck says afterwards, tracing patterns on Eddie’s chest in the moonlit darkness. “I think I’m in love with you.”

Eddie kisses his best friend in his bed, both of them naked and probably still too drunk for these kinds of confessions. Or maybe just drunk enough.

“I should tell you,” he answers, “I think I want to marry you.”

Buck’s inhale is a quick, jagged thing, messy and real and trembling under the hand that Eddie has curved around his side.

“Eddie,” he breathes, an exhale and an exultation.

“I think I’ve always wanted to marry you,” Eddie admits, “even if I didn’t always know it.”

He should probably invite Frank to the wedding, he thinks. Maybe that cardiologist who told him he was repressed as well.

“Eddie,” Buck says again, but this time his voice is wet, almost wobbly. “You can’t just say things like that.”

Maybe.

Maybe if it was anyone other than Buck.

“I mean it,” Eddie tells him. Promises him. “You know I wouldn’t lie to you.”

Another trembling breath, and then certainty: “I know.”

Buck kisses him, slow and thorough, the weight of him pressing Eddie into the mattress in all the right ways. There’s no hurry to it, no hurry to any of it, except for the way that Eddie wants all of Buck, all the time, and he’s tired of pretending that he doesn’t.

“We can’t get engaged like this,” Buck says finally, lips swollen, breathing ragged between them. “The others will never let us live it down.”

Eddie shakes his head. “I don’t care.”

“We’re not even dating, Eddie.”

But it’s not a no.

“I already gave you my heart,” Eddie says. Doesn’t have to say when, or which time, or that he’s been giving Buck pieces of his heart every day since they met, even when he didn’t know it.

See the full post

429 notes - Posted June 24, 2022

#2

tears are words the mouth can’t say

Saw the promo, had a breakdown, bon appetit.

[Read on AO3]

Buck’s caller ID says Christopher and his heart is instantly in his throat.

“Hey buddy,” he answers, striving for normal, for cheerful and calm, ignoring the way that Hen and Bobby pause noticeably, attention swivelling towards him.

“Buck,” Christopher says on the other end of the phone, and his voice sounds—wrong. Concerned. “Can you come over?”

He can’t. He’s working. But—

“Is everything okay?”

Knuckles tight around the phone, heart thudding sickly fast, already turned toward the stairs. His own worry bleeding through. Buck already knows the answer is an alarm-blaring no before Chris says, “I don’t know. Can you come over?”

A glances at Bobby, a silent response, his captain’s head nodding toward the stairs: go.

Buck goes.

****

He lets himself in.

Maybe he should have knocked.

The lateness of the hour, the darkness of the house, none of it has fully registered until Buck is swinging his arm up to protect himself from—a bat? It never connects, stopped as suddenly as Buck’s face is lit by the flash of headlights from the street.

“Buck?” Eddie gasps. And in the same breath: “Fuck.”

He presses a hand to his chest, bat still clutched in white-knuckled fingers. Buck’s own heart is racing, hands shaking with sudden adrenaline.

“What the fuck,” he starts, and then stops. Starts again. “Christopher called me. Are you—” okay? Obviously not. “What the hell, man?”

Eddie doesn’t say anything, his eyes shuttered closed, breathing loud and gasping in the almost-darkness. Buck reaches for him and he flinches, rocking back, bat still held tight. Buck glances toward the hallway: no light from Christopher’s room, but. It’s only been twenty minutes since Buck got that call.

“Eddie,” he says, lower. This time he gets his hands on Eddie’s arms. “Let’s sit down, okay?”

He steers them to the couch, pushes Eddie down with gentle pressure on his shoulders when he doesn’t immediately sit. He feels like he’s moving on autopilot, muscle memory taking over even while his heart squeezes painfully in his chest. He’s probably going to go home and have this own panic attack about this later, but. Not yet. He has to help Eddie first.

Buck goes to the kitchen to fill a glass with water and when he comes back, Eddie is curled into the corner of the couch, shoulders shaking, face pressed into his knees, shuddering through sobs he is trying and failing to choke down. Buck’s heart seizes.

“Hey,” slipping out as he falls to his knees, water abandoned on the coffee table, “hey, Eds, it’s okay—we’re okay.”

Eddie shakes his head, inarticulate. He’s still holding the bat, muscles locked tight around it, and that more than anything else makes Buck feel cold, worry and anxiety a sick churning in his stomach, helplessness beating against his ribs.

“Eddie,” he tries again. “What can I do?”

Eddie’s answered is muffled. He has to lift his head to repeat it, voice thick: “Chris.”

Of course. Eddie’s first and third and tenth thought is never for himself, always for his son.

“Okay.” Buck squeezes his ankle; he never wants to let go. “I’ll be back in a second.”

****

Christopher’s door is closed, his light off, the glowing bedside clock showing well past his bedtime, but his eyes open when Buck comes in.

See the full post

486 notes - Posted March 16, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

Love that Eddie came down the fire pole I know he did that just for added drama his first call back

714 notes - Posted May 17, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[browniefox]

I posted 29,225 times in 2022

1,193 posts created (4%)

28,032 posts reblogged (96%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@the-east-hunter

@the-east-art

@avatarherobrine

@mothnem

I tagged 2,359 of my posts in 2022

#browniefox speaks - 1,172 posts

#asks - 544 posts

#ask - 541 posts

#detours - 459 posts

#anon - 403 posts

#pokemon - 275 posts

#ingo - 205 posts

#toh - 136 posts

#pkmn - 135 posts

#submas - 131 posts

Longest Tag: 140 characters

#if they could have a conversation with each other the world would buckle under the power of their friendship. however they hate each other<3

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

Like, please tell me people understand just what a terrifying force Ingo had become in PLA. Like okay to start with, he's already an extremely skilled trainer. Being from modern times, he doesn't have much fear of pokemon. However, the pokemon in Hisui are dangerous, but he adapts to their new threat and still has an immediate skill to interact and train with them. And now he canonically convinced Alpha pokemon to fight you.

516 notes - Posted March 1, 2022

#4

Un-Identical

"I don't look like him anymore."

Elesa's hand that has been mindlessly carding through Emmet's hair stills. Only for a moment, though. She keeps her eyes fixed on the TV. They have chosen a movie that has intrested the both of them. Elesa likes the murder mystery portion of it. Emmet likes that the entire thing takes place on a train. The picture on the TV is still moving, there is still noise coming out of the speakers, but Elesa can't focus on it much anymore.

There's never a question of who 'him' is, not when Emmet says the pronoun in that sort of voice, this late at night.

"You don't know that."

Technically, it's impossible for Emmet to know that. Nobody knows what Ingo looks like. Well, most people think he looks like a rotting corpse somewhere. Elesa, personally, things he looks a chandelure, and a haxorus, and an excadril, and sometimes a crustle. Or he looks like Emmet, from the corner of her eye, or early in the morning, or late at night. Emmet's reflections when she isn't expecting it.

"I don't look like him anymore," Emmet repeats, and he does prefer to only speak the truth when he can, "Because Ingo looks like he did four years ago."

There is a picture of Ingo. It's right next to the door, and everytime Elesa comes over, she watches Emmet greet it or bid it farewell, depening on if he's coming or going. Elesa does the same whenever she's over. It hadn't been there the first year, and she didn't dare bring up it's sudden addition after the first anniversary.

"Does he?" She asks. She looks down at him. First from her periphery, so she can glimpse Ingo for a painful heartbeat, and then full on and to establish him as just Emmet. That's all he needs to be.

"Yes, he does. And I'm older."

He is. He has lines on his face. They had been so pronounced during that first year, but they're softer now, like he'd age rapidly but then had those years given back to him. Like a threat, or a blessing.

"It's been a while." Elesa sat.

Four years. Too long and too short. She doesn't expect him when she comes over anymore. When she walks with Emmet down the street, they don’t leave space for a third person anymore. Reservations for two are natural and roll off the tongue. But Ingo’s voice still echoes on the sound of a rushing train.

"We're not twins anymore, are we? We're different. He is always going to look four years younger than me. And then five years younger than me. And then six. And then- well, however many years I make it."

Even now, there's a small smile at the edges of his mouth. It's just the way his face sits. He's staring intently on the ceiling.

"Yes." She does not lie to him.

"i miss him." He says.

"I do too."

They sit there, trying to imagine Ingo, trying to come to terms with never knowing him for another day. It's something they mostly understand. Now it's just these small things that sting. They'll live through it, thank god they'll live through it.

Emmet sits up, and now it's Elesa's turn to rest her head on his lap while he plays with her hair. He rewinds the movie.

555 notes - Posted March 4, 2022

#3

Also can we talk about how in Turning Red, Sun Yee (the ancestor) looked so sad when Mei was in the like spirit realm to get rid of her panda? And how happy she was when Mei kept it?

857 notes - Posted March 17, 2022

#2

other good stuff from Turning Red:

The mom is like so ridiculously huge as a red panda, and then the grandma breaks her amulet and you're like 'oh, so she'll be big too, right?'

And like, she technically big compared to most people, but like the mom was really just Like That, was really just monsterously big. Love that for her. I bet as soon as the grandma and aunts heard about mei they were like 'oh shit is she gonna be colossal too'

1,674 notes - Posted March 17, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

Happy Spamton Sweepstakes

10,762 notes - Posted September 18, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[unlikely-alliance]

welp it only took me two months but I finally finished s2 of smallville! it dragged a bit in the middle for me but there were quite a few iconic moments/episodes throughout and it definitely picked up towards the end. again posting my reactions to each episode below the cut, for the laughs

201

is jonathan kent about to kill a man 😳

leave it to lionel luther to call out lex for wanting to let him die while he’s still in critical condition……. also lex broke my heart a bit in that scene

and leave it to clark to ask lex if there’s anything he can do to help while he’s in the middle of trying to find his own dad 🥺

oh FUCK this reporter

202

fiancée????? 😧

lex wants clark to be his best man 🥹

oh noooo not lana’s cappuccino machine! way to go clark 🙄

203

chloe is the first person lana thought of when thinking of a friend 🥹

chloe to lana: are you dating an older man? not this foreshadowing….

this pete/clark drama is good

not lex and lana both trying to escape their houses in the same ep… 👀

204

this ep is SO fun… red kryptonite clark can stay for a bit I won’t be mad

205

aaaaaand another freak of the week who’s obsessed with lana who is surprised

martha working for lionel is not something I saw coming at all… how tf is this gonna play out

206

is that model behavior girl?? omg it is

me every time I see a shot of the kent farmhouse: I want to go to there *___*

the set up for the old chrissy reveal was cool but that elderly face makeup did NOT look good at first asdfhsh

ooooh who is lana’s father gonna be

207

I know this woman didn’t just say she’s clark’s mother, looking just like martha kent 🤨

CLARK/CHLOE ANGST!!!!!! that fight scene was the single best scene of this season so far they simply bring out the best in each other acting wise when they have scenes together I’m sorry

I love lana/chloe’s friendship this season

meteor shower flashbacks!!!!!! lionel being involved in clark’s adoption!!!!! ooh this ep is good

omg baby lex and clark in the kent’s truck 🥹🥹🥹 CLARK STROKING HIS BALD HEAD ARE WE SERIOUS

the parallel of jonathan telling clark’s wannabe mom not to bother them and lana’s father telling lana not to bother him… inch resting

and not a freak of the week in sight 😌

ANOTHER CLARK/CHLOE HAND HOLD IM NOT OKAY!!!!!!!!!!!

um… so who tf is lucas luther?????

208

telekinetic kid in a lab getting a nosebleed… someone go sue the duffer brothers for that one

209

this freak of the week looks like the dude from heathers oh my GOD IT’S JONATHAN TAYLOR THOMAS????

“mi casa su casserole” oh I love chloe’s dad

this dude cloning himself to spend time with chloe and lana… living clark’s dream for real

chloe to clark: you really can’t imagine someone choosing me over lana can you? OOF

iconic episode I’m serious

210

not clark immediately getting a new love interest

…get her out of here I’m not interested ashdhdhs

bad mid season finale imo

this wolves attacking lionel scene is scary af though

211

oh heyyy whitney

tina greer?!!!?!!??! 😧

lex: help me, I don’t wanna become like my father 😭😭😭😭

kristen’s acting in this last scene is so good

lana telling clark he’s the one constant in her life vs s1 clark saying that chloe is the one constant in his life………… hmm

212

lex standing up to jonathan… honestly we love to see it

a little shared trauma for martha and lionel as a treat

clark at the daily planet !!!!!

why tf does lionel have a file on clark in his vault with a fuck ton of kryptonite and the key to his spaceship 🤨

clark jumping from the daily planet to luther corp was insaneeeeee

so was lionel really just covering for clark in front of lex??? he really knows??????

‘I’m not afraid of tomorrow, I’m only scared of myself’ song with shot of broody lex ooooh that’s good that’s good

213

pete: I don’t mean to rain on your csi parade ashdhshs thank you pete this is literally an episode of csi

THE COP???????????

214

ok but… I wanna go to the rave in a cave it looks so fun (minus whatever the fuck just happened to pete uh oh)

clark to pete: I’m here if you want to talk

chloe to lana 3 scenes later: I don’t want to be one of those annoying people who says I’m here if you need to talk— ASFHDHSHFJKSKS

not pete outing clark as an alien omg

pete popping out of the shadow’s in clark’s barn adhdhshs he’s so funny this ep

another date with lana ruined I have to laugh

maybe I should have paid more attention to that midseason finale ep

clark and chloe are making out 🆘🆘🆘

oh damn lex is really suspecting clark now and literally turning up the heat ooooooh

that last clark/lana scene was so sad 😩

215

hellooooo paul wesley 😏

HE’S PLAYING LEX’S HALF BROTHER??????? WTF

lex asking to stay with the kents 🥹 but he prob wants to snoop on clark 😩

lionel is faking his blindness??????? wtf

the idea of how differently lex would have turned out if he was raised by the kents then jonathan telling lex he would have made a hell of a farmer… ouch

lionel shooting lucas… he’s so scary

216

love how we’re at the hospital every 2 episodes

why is clark always snapping / yelling at chloe more than anyone else… I hope they address that

MARTHA IS PREGNANT???!!!??!!!!

ok chloe’s letter to clark……. iconic slow burn friends to lovers ish!!!! “I’m the girl of your dreams masquerading as your best friend” “there are two types of girls — the girls you grow out of and the girls you into. I hope I’m the latter.” COME ON!!!!!!! 😭😭

chloe telling clark how she feels while he’s sleeping and lana seeing that & telling him how she feels to his face… I hate it here

217

special guest appearance by christopher reeve??!!!?!?!?!?!?

lex is so worried about clark 🥺

not the scientist by coldplay OH that is such a good music moment— “I was just guessing at numbers and figures” with the shot of clark deciphering the cave symbols and “questions of science and progress do not speak as loud as my heart, tell me you love me” with lex looking at lana

chloe putting lana as her sister on her family tree 😭😭

omg that scene with christopher is so iconic

“this is kal-el from krypton, our last hope” !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

they called him their infant son so does that mean he was in that ship alone for years before landing on earth???

“you won't find the answers by looking at the stars. it’s a journey you'll have to take by looking inside yourself. you must write your own destiny.” 💯

jonathan: clark kent you are here to be a force for good, not evil clark: how can you be so sure? jonathan: because I am your father, I raised you, and I know you better than anyone. 😭😭😭 GOD THIS EPISODE

218

they’re def building up to chloe learning clark’s secret

lex to helen: you’ve been exploring 😏 (that was sexy af asdhshjdjk)

props department must have had a fun time on this episode with that giant transmitter tower lmao

the way lana always just materializes whenever clark is brooding in his barn 💀

lana being freaked out about the possibility of knowing an alien versus chloe being excited and understanding about it……… come on 😩

219

jesus christ those guys trying to assault lana that was scary as fuck

okay psycho ex boyfriend paul faking being attacked by lex 🙄

omg this lex training lana to fight scene… 👀 foreshadowing?

they better not kill helen like this…………..

this episode is like a lifetime thriller

220

starting this episode right off with a clark/chloe fight and angst…. I hate that I love it 😭😭

is lionel recruiting chloe to expose clark’s secret????? well good for her but this is gonna be interesting to see play out

221

naw fuck this scary little ghost girl go away

lionel almost choking on lex’s wedding cake funniest thing I’ve ever seen

ok so that other episode was a lifetime thriller and this is a straight up horror movie asdhdhsh this is so scary

I bet michael rosenbaum loved this ep

DOLLS MOVING GIVING ME A FUCKING HEART ATTACK NO I’M PISSED

lana being scared that clark thinks she’s perfect and one day she’ll disappoint him… interesting

not i’m with you by avril lavigne during this scene 😭😭 points to clana for that one

no lionel sipping tea from a little pink mug while being the most diabolical person ever is the funniest thing I’ve ever seen

222

love how the season starting and is ending with a lex wedding

awww clana kiss that was sweet

lex asking martha and jonathan to sit at his family table at the wedding 😭😭😭

chloe not betraying clark wooooooooo go girl

lex stole clark’s blood 😩

223

the spaceship is talking to clark 🤨

see I would have forgiven lex if he came clean though 🤷‍♀️ no offense to helen but I’m different

take me away by lifehouse during this clana scene 😭😭 clana is sponsored by this band lmao

STRANGE AND BEAUTIFUL BY AQUALUNG!!!!!!!! they are bringing the killer soundtrack back this episode

omg the symbol carved on clark’s chest yikes

jesus they were putting martha through it all this season huh

yeahhhhhhh red kryptonite clark 🙌 I love him sm sorry not sorry