#2021 me would be losing her shit rn

[nnato]

[starryevermore]

to save me from tears ✧ bucky barnes

twelve days of christmas | angst city™ library

request: Hi! I saw your post abt winter-y requests and I had an idea for bucky, I was wondering if you’d be interested in writing something about Bucky and reader going to a Christmas party in readers hometown with all her friends and Bucky like looks around at everyone and their lives and he feels like he doesn’t fit in // like he’s not good enough for her? Idk why insecure bucky is in my mind rn. Feel free to change whatever you want and of course no pressure to write it! I love your blog and writing :) thanks for reading ily

pairing: bucky barnes x fem!reader

summary: bucky’s nervous about meeting your family for the first time. 

word count: 491

warnings?: angst with a happy ending, insecure bucky, feelings of not being good enough, not proofread

note: this was written between november 8-19, 2021.

It was the first Christmas you and Bucky would be going to your hometown. You had been dating for a couple years now, but you had only spent Christmas together in either one of your apartments, stuck in the city, never experiencing the good ole Christmases you were used to growing up. But after two years of dating, your family decided it was high time that you and Bucky spent Christmas with the whole family.

Bucky, though you knew he wouldn’t say anything, was more nervous than you’d ever seen him before. You could tell from the moment you’d left for the airport, how he kept checking and rechecking the bags, trying to find some excuse to go back to the apartment and miss the flight. But any time you asked if he was okay, he’d insist that he was fine, that you didn’t need to worry about him. 

That only made you worry more. 

“Bucky, seriously,” you said, as you got in the rental car. “I’m not leaving this parking lot until you tell me what’s wrong.”

“Nothing’s wrong,” he said, but his eyes betrayed him. They were wide, but tired, swimming with some sort of emotion he couldn’t quite process yet, much like how he looked when he’d wake up from a nightmare. 

“Baby, please. I’m not going to judge you for...feeling whatever you’re feeling. I want to help you, but I can’t do that until you tell me what’s got you all tore up.”

He blinked, looking away. You were almost ready to ask again, but he sighed and said, “I’m scared.”

“Of what, baby?”

“If your family, your friends, don’t like me. If they think you can do better. Or, worse, your parents invite over your first love and you realize that, actually, you still love them and that you don’t want me, and then you leave me to live out some Hallmark fantasy without me. And then I’ll have to go to the city and pretend I didn’t lose the best thing that ever happened to me while you’re out living your happily ever after.”

“...I really shouldn’t have let you watch all those Hallmark movies before coming here, huh?” you said. He let out a quiet laugh. “Baby, trust me, you’re my happily ever after. And I don’t care if my friends and family don’t like you. I’m the only one who has to like you, ‘cause I’m the one who wants to spend the rest of my life with you. If they don’t approve, screw them. If they invite my first love, screw them. You’re the one who makes me happy. And I’m not going to just throw that all away.”

“Promise?”

“I promise.”

“Okay. I-I think I’m ready to meet your family.”

“Good. ‘Cause they’re gonna love you.”

“Your love is the only love I need.”

“See, if you keep saying cute shit like that, they’re bound to think you’re the best!”

[melodicheauxxlovesfood]

So I’m gonna be really transparent (something that’s literally scary for me) and tell y’all my plans for the new year:

Lose the weight.

I’m currently 358lbs, still the same as I was four years ago, and I’m 5’3. Tbh I’m obese. I know that big girls need love and we deserve to be treated right and all that but I can’t do anything at this size. I’m constantly in pain and it makes me unhappy. There’s nothing wrong with being big but there’s a limit.

Have a better outlook on life.

I have depression, yaaaaay!! 🙃🙃🙃. Actually, I have anxiety and depression, both of which constantly kicks my ass on the daily bases. I fake being happy because I tell myself that if I do that, maybe I’ll be sane again and honestly? It doesn’t work like that 🤷🏾‍♀️. I’m not taking pills for it because surprise! I used drugs to cope, not doing that anymore when it actually made shit worse.

There would be days where I would literally not get out of bed and sleep allllll day and wouldn’t even get up to shower or take a piss because I saw no point to it—it’s literally how depression works. You don’t see the point to even doing the basic of shit.

Now, I am going to try and find better for myself. I got stuck in this loop of being unhappy and whenever @mauvecherie would tell me I deserved better I wouldn’t believe her cause I based everything on a superficial level. I can’t do that anymore cause if I do? If I keep focusing on that, I will actually succeed in killing myself (tried multiple times, thankfully didn’t work)

Stop basing happiness around people.

I used to do that 👆🏾. I used to think that if I had people actually want to talk to me, whether it be out in the real world or on here, that I’d be ok, that I wouldn’t feel alone. But here’s the thing: only less than a handful of people on tumblr actually talk to me 🙃😂. And I used to be sad about it but I got my best friend cause she actually tries and wants to be friends with me and I don’t need to base my happiness solely on that. I said I got clean for my nieces and nephew but they’re not the end all be all. I am. ME. Dani. And I have to accept that.

Lastly, I want to make everything I want in life to happen.

I really do. I’m the first one in my immediate family to graduate college; I want to do my dream job of owning a production company and still open multiple business. I WANT KIDS! I never thought I did and I actually do. I don’t want a relationship rn but maybe one day. I got time to do so and that was the scary part of all this: time. Never thought I had the time but I do. The world could crumble around me (it literally is, they planning another coup as we speak 😒) but I know I still got time for meeee!!!

Look, you’ll probably read over this and that’s fine, I no longer care, but I thought that if I wasn’t so closed off, I could try and open up and be free for the 2021. And so far, I love it 🥰.

[mrsmess]

Faves and fails of SPN (season 15, finally):

Favorite episodes (in chronological order):

15:4 Atomic Monsters - Demon!Sam flashbacks! Dean in a beard! Some old fashioned banter! Meatman! Beaverdale! Love how Sam starts arguing w the parents in the parking lot - Me too, Sam, me too. Loving the self-aware monster. I know Becky is problematique™, but I dig her, so, all kinds of fuck Chuck. He must die, and when he does this is the episode I’ll think about.

15:6 Golden Time - Badass protection spells. Dean in a robe and a hot dog pyjamas. Cas going by Clarence. Jogging Sam. Eileen! God I ship her and Sam, and I’d like to take this opportunity to remind you that I don’t ship him w anyone. Liking this ep a lot, every little side plot. Nice. And Eileen is back and I know it won’t last but like, that was awesome.

15:10 The Heroes’ Journey - Pretty neat intro. Monster on monster violence to the sound of Clair the Lune. Oh, and excellent casting of Garth’s kids. Regular people trouble... Awesome! Brilliant! This is the kind of meta storylines this show should deal in, exclusively. Oh my Garth! Explosives! Why isn’t every episode like this?

15:11 The Gamblers - Oh, is this another lucky coin episode? In that case yes please! More inconsequential bullshit kindly! Loving Sam staying in touch w Eileen. Hey guys, remember when you did the gambling thing w your years? And the rabbit’s foot? Good times. Will this be an equally good time? I hope so. A god! Excellent. ”Lady, I’m Tolstoy.” Yeah ya are, and i’m dead. The guys and Fortuna bashing god. And I'm equally delighted and distraught over the lore that god created man, man imagined gods and god decided to create the other gods to play into man’s ideas, or as a distraction.

15:13 Destiny’s Child - Omg the intro! Savage garden! I’m dead. Jack w the sandwich, why is that so funny? Cas is a gem this episode! ”’Sexually intimate’?” Lol. That’s what you get for trying to speak plainly, Cas! Hunter Corp. I’m dead, again. Keep the different Deans and Sams coming! I’m digging this! Why would they send ‘em to Rio? They could be your buffy-bots!

15:14 Last Holiday - Weird people popping up in the hq is awesome. And Dean’s immediate instinct to yell for Sam reminds me of me calling mr mess for everything! ”Shouldnt you be in the woods? Nymfing?” Monster radar? Oh, oh this is excellent. So mrs Butters is capable of murder when home and family are threatened, good for her. They better not kill her. I can accept them returning her to the wild. Yes! Did I call it or did I call it? Good Supernatural, good boy! And Dean making a cake for Jack! My heart.

Fail episodes (in chronological order):

15:2 Raising Hell - Rowena! Instant win. Ketch. Instant lose. Ketch undressing Rowena with his eyes = rating plummeting. Jeez. A bit dangerous even joking about the GoT finale, don’t you think? Rowena and Ketch full on flirting... this is hell, I'm being punished.

15:3 The Rupture - Don’t call him god! His name is Sucky-Chucky. The shock of Cas! “You’ve been playing us the whole time!” This is how it works Cas, where have you been? They're always solving problems like Jason Mendoza. In-Dean-angry-voice: “Anytime I had a problem and I threw a Molotov cocktail, boom! Right away, I had a different problem.” Rowena! And Sam! No!

15:5 Proverbs 17:3 - Listen, spn, it’s your last season and if you like just wanna stop writing and casting women completely rn i won't stop you or hold it against you (also why are these ladies identical?). We’ve had a terrible run but lets just let bygones be bygones.

15:8 Our father, who aren’t in heaven - Gosh, having Eileen in the show is painful, I’m just constantly expecting a piano to fall on her head. *Ugh* Sucky-yucky-Chucky. But hey, at least everybody else looks better alongside him. Case and point: I never rly cared that much for Donatello, but it’s great to see him, and Michael’s back, sure is nice to see him too.

15:9 The trap - Ugh. Main plot shit and Sucky-yucky-fucking-Chucky. Fail. Although the flashforward to jan 6th 2021 was a hoot (but probably not meant like one, huh?) Dean’s monologue in purgatory though... gosh. This show would be nothing w/o Jensen Ackles. Omg the kiss! Nice. However, the show at this point has lost the ability to offer any sort of pleasure. Because like Sam, we know which way this will go. They used to have some hedonism working for the characters but now they don’t even have that.

15:20 Carry on - You know what? I’m not gonna make this post longer than it already is talking about the last episode of Supernatural, that has been done better by people w real grievances w the show. The kindest thing you can say about the finale is that it just as well could’ve been jammed into a few extra minutes added to the previous episode.

Mediocre mentions:

Drag me away (from you) - what is this ugly cell interface? The opposite of product placement. Yay! Retro episode! And they got the same actor to play Dean, neato! Dean admitting he had a hard time handling hunting, that always gets me. Woah! That scream effect without reverb was kinda startling. And the camera zooming in on the little porcelain clown even though Sam is nowhere n- oh shit. This was an interesting episode

Inherit the earth - Goooood I hate Chucky. Barefoot Sam is okay though. Digging this soundtrack too. Very un-Supernatural. Nice to meet ya Betty, but I wouldn’t pull up a chair if I were you. Always a fan of the shiteating grin. Jack, stripping god of his power, that’s so hot. And again: kudos to the soundtrack! The Youngbloods and then Jackson freakin’ Browne! And you know, it’s clichéd and kinda vacant, but also kinda nice. I’m cool with the story ending like this. Why did they have to do another one? Supernatural has never known when to quit, and this is the very real backside of this.

Honorable mentions:

I don’t know who this Ardat chick is but killing Ketch puts her instantly in my win column.

Winchester-dumb, new household term.

”Feels like were taking a big, probably stupid risk. Feels good.” That made me feel good too.

I’m vastly enjoying this dark-art hippie couple in Unity and Jack’s interaction w them.

Cas launching straight into his dramatic I-will-not-let-you-end-your-own-life-speech when Sam casually mentions he’d like to talk to death in Unity, that angel has seen some things, and he has learned.

Those are some pretty pretty death effects on Jack in Despair/The Truth.

Obviously Misha Collins

Things that makes you go hmm:

Which of the clowns is this supposed to be in Back and to the Future? Because the one from season 2 was a monster, right? So he would’ve gone to purgatory. You know what? I’m not an expert. I try to not pay too much attention ’cause it makes me funny in the head. But just, y’know, a general objection.

Here’s my deal w death as a looming threat in this show: it holds no weight. And even if it did it has been painted as the ultimate relief, unless you go to hell, these characters know for a fact that there’s a potentially blissful afterlife, so their attitude towards death should be, what? More pragmatic, I think. And it’s partly why Ackles is wasted on this show; That man can deliver a death monologue like it’s nobody’s business, too bad all those words have been rendered meaningless after 15 seasons of this shit!

Summing up:

So, I did not go into or leave this season happy, I knew how it would end and I was sad for everyone the show screwed over (more than it already had). Which really meant that I always had to force myself to watch another episode, knowing what was coming. But I had to see it through. I did, so I’ll give myself a pat on the back and get to work on my own personal selection of episodes that will henceforth represent spn to me. A selection I’ll enjoy all the way through. All in all I think the most frustrating thing about the show is how it insists on taking itself so freakin’ seriously. It has always done horror *and* humor best and this whole heaven and hell aspect has never sat right w me, and in any case they should’ve leaned more on “supernatural” narrative tropes (if you will) getting out of their plot problems, gambled some more and thought a bit more outside genre conventions *especially* in their main arcs, they opened up so many opportunities that they never even used. They could’ve been more like Buffy, or Doctor Who. That said, I’ll always get that spn-itch, and when I do, I’ll be happy to have seen all the episodes so I’ll know which ones to avoid.

[insporaelynn]

📲 raelynn && roman

WHEN: january 24-26th 

DESCRIPTION: just best friends talking and being obsessed with each other. rae confides in him about her ex drama.

TRIGGER WARNINGS: drug mention, probably sex mention.

@romanbeckett​

Roman

Hi love of my life. I miss your face. How’s it going??

raelynn

my baby

god, i miss you too. i'm doing okay, how're you tonight?

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

it’s been an off day, not even gonna lie lol super sore and tired. I just wanna be back to normal already

raelynn

oh no

how's your scar healing up? the boys are taking care of you right??

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

it’s okay I guess bleh lol and not tonight. I’m all alone

raelynn

Where's Q? Is Aaron working?

Well I guess I should know that since I'm literally at work. Lmao.

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

Q is working on music. Aaron has des tonight

raelynn

ugh. i wanna lay with you and kiss ur face.

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

are you busyyy? I can burn us some cookies

raelynn

i'm working but I'd love to see you after if you're still up.

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

of yeah you just said you’re at work lmao fucking weed

yes please come by when you’re done

raelynn

LMAO I KNOW THE FEELING

absolutely, i'm yours.

u know niamh was trying to figure out who rue's date was and she was like "is it you" bc i mentioned that I have a dick appt with him tomorrow night.

and i was like. dude, no, for like, a thousand reasons. like, why would that ever be me???

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚n.

oh god, I’m so out of the loop with gossip lately, it’s sad. I didn’t even know he had a date lol

raelynn

it's apparently some big secret but he's having people help him dress up and asking about flowers and candy and niamh is like "bitch is it you" and i'm like. LMAO.

like is there anything about me that says flowers and candy

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

Hahahahahhahahahahaha HAHAHA

that really made me laugh too hard.

raelynn

like, i'm not the flowers girl, i'm the sneak out in the night girl, the middle of the afternoon girl, all those things, but flowers girl???? sdkfdskksd

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

I’m 100p a flowers girl

raelynn

YOU ARE AND YOU'RE WORTH IT MY BABY

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

my parents are coming in to town this week. Gotta tell them I have two boyfriends haaaa. Pray for me

raelynn.

I feel like that should be the least shocking thing about you??? In a good way.

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

yeah, I definitely keep them on their toes

raelynn

tell ur boyfriend that if he wants me to continue wearing body glitter he's going to have to pay me extra

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

omg but I love body glitter fyi

raelynn

I did an onlyfans video with Lilah earlier and I'm like 80% sure that I left glitter on her sheets. Like I'm a fucking unicorn.

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

that makes me so happy I can’t even lie

I too wanna leave glitter everywhere

man I need to do only fans

raelynn

i would a thousand percent subscribe

both bc i'm a perv and also bc i'm a very supportive best friend.

we could get naked and do a body glitter photoshoot

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

and I love this about you

that sounds like a dream?? Wow

raelynn

would love nothing more than to apply body glitter to ur glorious tiddies.

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

my tillies would appreciate it

Hahahaa it hurts to laughhhh

raelynn

SORRY SORRY I'M GOING TO BE VERY SERIOUS NOW

clears throat Um. The National Debt.

it is my understanding that there is. National Debt.

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

hahahah I love you

raelynn

Blah blah, topics. Blah blah, smart people jargon, blah blah

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

god it’s so boring isn’t it

would so much rather talk about titties

raelynn

God same.

Like how yours are somehow bigger than mine.

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

I know, I need some sort of support at this point I think

raelynn

we could get you fitted for bras somewhere maybe that'd be fun

it'd look actually so hot

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

well I already wear lingerie in the bedroom. Might as well.

raelynn

you will be the absolute death of me, you're simply too gorgeous and too sweet to exist.

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

stahhpppp you’re making me blushhhh. Right back atcha my babe

raelynn

is there anything you want me to bring you when i'm done here?

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

just yourself. I’ve got good ass weed

raelynn

and for the millionth time, i realized, you are my soul mate.

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

you’re mine, lovie.

raelynn

i wish i could've had appendix surgery instead of you

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

noooo don’t be silly lol I’m okay darling.

raelynn.

no i hate that you were in pain even for like a second i hate it so much!!

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

stop it, I love you. You cutie. Oh god okay I’m gonna make us cookies.

raelynn

Dont burn the house down my beautiful twin flame

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

I always get cookie dough thinking I’ll do better next time. I still have that unearned confidence

raelynn.

Thats bc im always building you up and rightfully so

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

yes you do and I live for it. I also really love fresh cookies right out of the oven, I just want to make that happen

raelynn

I believe in you my little tropical starfish

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

raelynn

literally you

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

hehehehe ⭐️

raelynn

i don't think anybody's ever gonna love me more than you

and i think. i think maybe that's okay?

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

that’s not true. You’re gonna find someone who is gonna blow you away

raelynn

yeah but even if i did, would I even be able to love them without being scared of them?

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

yeah, I think so. I’ve had to overcome a lot of walls and fears myself that I never thought I could. The right person makes it easier.

raelynn

idk there are a lot of people i could've loved if i hadn't been so....this lmao

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

I think it’ll just take some time!

raelynn

you have so much faith in me.

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

of course I do. I think you can do anything.

raelynn

i'm not really sure.

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

you don’t have to be cause I ammmmm

raelynn

and you're the smartest person in the world

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

in the whole world?? Damn. I’m not near as rich as I should be then.

raelynn

how about I stay over with you tonight and we get some breakfast in the morning? I did really good on tips tonight.

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

okay!! I’d love that

raelynn

good 'cause i don't get to spend nearly as much time with you as i wanna

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

I knowwww. We haven’t had a sleepover in so long

raelynn

you can cuddle up to me and i'll feed you cookies and kiss your hair

revolutionary. better than therapy.

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

Yes!!!!

raelynn

loml

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

I finished the cookies baby and I didn’t burn them to a crisp

raelynn

you fucking legend

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

I’m pretty damn proud of myself not gonna lieeeee

[...]

raelynn

extremely sad that i couldn't stay at breakfast with you all day

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

same

now I’m bored

raelynn

i swear after i left you my day went down the tubes.

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

oh no I’m sorry

who do I need to fight

raelynn

well carson is back.

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

oh god, tell me more

raelynn

idk why he's back but wes gave him my number bc i guess when i told him to lose it he took it to heart which like good i wanted him to

but anyway i screamed at him in the chat

everyone called me a hypocrite bc i told ivy to stop being a bitch in the chat awhile back. which tbh i didn't remember even doing, i just be saying shit.

like alex opened his fuckin mouth and i'm like what dog do you have in this fight

oh and DELILAH is moving in with carson bc he's "like her brother!!!" never mind the fact that he cheated on me bc i guess friendship doesn't mean much anymore

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

wow that’s...messy. Wtf lilah though seriously

raelynn.

So then Carson texts me bc wes gave him my number and that felt like being??? Pushed back in time against my will

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

that’s not cool

raelynn

So yeah a lot of crying today

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

*chick with knife emoji*

me rn

raelynn

Cute but lethal

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

*img attachment* 

and not at all high...

raelynn.

you're so hot jesus christ.

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

I love you.

raelynn.

love u more than life itself

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

*img attachment of a keychain that says PUSSY WAGON* 

this was recommended to me on Instagram and now I want it.

raelynn

LET'S GET THEM MATCHING.

EVEN THOUGH I DON'T HAVE A CAR

AND THEREFORE NO KEYS FOR SAID CAR

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

it would be perfect for my Volkswagen

raelynn.

omg and with me in it...it really WOULD be a pussy wagon......

big brain

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

hahahahah

raelynn

we should road trip soon

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

I would love that so much honestly

raelynn

where should we go?

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

Disney world!!

raelynn

will u propose to me there

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

wouldn’t that be romantic as heck

raelynn.

THE most romantic and also we'd maybe get free dessert

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

I never turn down anything free.

raelynn

me neither. not the taylor family way

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

hahaha I love you.

raelynn.

we'll start planning a summer trip, just us.

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

yay yay yay yay!

raelynn.

i'm gonna wear a tiara the whole time.

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.BOT01/25/2021

with Mickey ears?

raelynn.BOT01/25/2021

of course, i'm not a monster.

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

hahahaa

[...]

raelynn

I hate dudes.

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

they’re a mess aren’t they lol

raelynn

Had a temporary lapse in sanity and agreed to meet Carson for coffee lol and he canceled like 15 mins before we were supposed to meet for a probably fake meeting lmao its so typical but I fell for it

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

babe I’m so sorry

raelynn

Like im just so tired

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

how can I make it better

raelynn.

I don't know honestly and I wish I did.

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

I love you.

raelynn

I love you.

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

you’re my baby

raelynn

you're MY baby

[sad-dumpp]

People might ask who I am rn I’ll do a quick intro but am not going to reveal myself as my ex is also on tumblr.

I am an enby, 27 years old and was in a ldr with a fantastic woman. An LDR but it could have been so good.

We met during covid, we had fun the first month we met decided to make things official 2 weeks in, everything was great in my opinion in the first few months. Sadly covid got everything out in lockdown so I was having anxiety issues later on in 2021, I get treatment for this now, so in 6 months and she suddenly doesn’t want to celebrate the months we’re together anymore which is fine I told her I just want to adress it because I like that and appreciate the time I have been with her.

July came around and things with some of my medication changed so I started having mood swings, progesterone can rlly duck you up. She talk less with our friend group and start turning more to other people who play the same game as her (I tried playing it too and I had fun but I am not into level grinding more of a loot grinder). I was sad that we didn’t spend much time together and the lack of communication made me even more anxious.

Things happened in my family in august and that caused us to have a first “conversation” about things. I didn’t really felt hurt and she said she wanted to try. We’d make date nights or at least that was the plan. Schedules didn’t align and even before I could suggest something she’d be back in her game.

Then comes September, my overthinking keeps taking a toll on me and I was indirectly letting her know that I wanted attention from her. And not in the best way, I already felt like losing her so I didn’t think being direct would be the best solution. I was being passive aggressive with my texts to her. I hadn’t seen her face for 3 months by then and heard her voice for 1 month if not more. I shouldn’t have gone about it that way that was my fault.

Then she breaks up saying she didn’t love me anymore, but still wants to be friends. I wanted an explanation and she said she the venting and talking about negative things in my day to day wasn’t doing her mental health any better. Note: she barely talked or communicated about it at least not clearly in a way that was like “can you do this less pls?” I told her from the beginning already that I needed more directness and she was 100% okay with it.

Tried to be friends after 5 days of no talking I felt like utter shit. I felt like I wasn’t even a friend at all I don’t like just getting memes shoved in my dm’s or just being treated like I am just a second hand friend that you talk to once or twice a month like one sentence texts. I thought I meant more than that.

Right now she seems to be living life normally not even having any sadness about the break up. I had to tell most of our friends that I still talk with. And she is just doing her thing.

It’s now been 2 weeks since I began no-contact again and I really miss her, I truly do. I wouldn’t jump right back into anything would she say she messed up and wants me back, not without clear communication and I mean I do rlly want her back.

But for now I am picking up my pieces, trying to live life and not be sad but here I am crying all over again. Some friends are done with me being this sad, others don’t truly understand what happened bc they are outside of this situation.

I can’t even do the things I like to do because she is in the back of my mind with everything I did. I really hoped she would be my end game, I still hope she will be.

[zoesrose]

TEXTS; ZOE & YAS

pt.2 - January 2021 - March 2021

JANUARY 2021

yasmin puckerman

How your sub legs doing?

zoe rose

It's fine.

yasmin puckerman

If I was you I'd be like iT's fINe wHAT??

but i'm not doing you like that, don't worry

zoe rose

that was funny

but i'm not calling you Miss

but i suppose this week, you are free to call me Zoe

or any other nicknames you're been wanting to use

yasmin puckerman

oh shit

I'm gonna have to think on that.

zoe rose

no rush, I have a feeling this week is just going to drag

yasmin puckerman

It's not all that bad. Bet you could have fun with it.

zoe rose

i doubt it

yasmin puckerman

You already got a nickname from me

zoe rose

What's that?

yasmin puckerman

you got other people callin you Sir?

zoe rose

No, but I'm not sure if I would call that a nickname

yasmin puckerman

petname

zoe rose

A petname insinuates complete freedom, you have to use a title with me

yasmin puckerman

switch up got you splitting hairs

zoe rose

It does have me on edge

yasmin puckerman

you're still gonna be the same you on the other side maybe know a little more what it's like to be me is all and Marley

zoe rose

Thank you.

Sir.

yasmin puckerman

good girl tight Goodnight Zoe.

zoe rose

What's bothering you?

yasmin puckerman

Just got that feeling. You know when you gotta get control, let off steam some of the healthy ways

zoe rose

I understand that feeling all too well.

If you find that you need to (leaf) (smoke) just let me know and I'll come to you.

yasmin puckerman

always take that offer

zoe rose

I'll be right over then

yasmin puckerman

dope

zoe rose

Are you busy tonight?

yasmin puckerman

Free as a bird.

zoe rose

Would you like to accompany me to the club? I need to let loose.

yasmin puckerman

Hell yeah. Let's do that.

yasmin puckerman

so the smight flub babes... creepy fetish murders or regular type masochists what you think?

zoe rose

I think it's the latter.

yasmin puckerman

Me too. They had a chill vibe. I’m guaranteed to like anyone that complements my right hook tho so I trust your judgement more, Sir.

zoe rose

You do have a nice right hook. It's too bad you didn't get to see mine.

yasmin puckerman

I jumped too soon. I know, I know Froggy and I am not sorry

But if we hit up their spot, that should facilitate that.

zoe rose

I'm going to add a

next to your name in my phone

Is it something you want to check out?

yasmin puckerman

thanks I hate it Yeah I think it is. What’s the worst that could happen right? If its shit we’ll leave.

zoe rose

I won't, don't worry.

If we're going to do this, I want to establish some rules first.

yasmin puckerman

You said rules and my stupid ass got horny tf But I agree. I think. What type of rules?

zoe rose

Rules for your safety.

1. You will stay in my sight at all times. 2. When I say stop, that means stop. 3. When/if I say it's time to go, there will be no questions asked. 4. When/if you say it's time to go, I will escort you out, no questions asked.

yasmin puckerman

Yeah I’m down. What about if you lose your shit, could we drop rank? Hold up do you ever lose your shit? I can’t see it now that I think about it.

zoe rose

I never lose my shit. I've been described as apathetic on more than one occasion.

yasmin puckerman

I could see it. Aight bet. Got you, Sir. Looks I got plans next Sat night

zoe rose

I'd like to make it a habit to dress you whenever we're together. If that's alright with you.

yasmin puckerman

Whenever we going out somewhere or whenever whenever I’m with you?

zoe rose

The latter is tempting, but we'll stick to the first one for now

yasmin puckerman

I’m cool with that. Had me looking good on that yacht

zoe rose

You did look good.

yasmin puckerman

Speaking of parties and next Friday, the Sylvesters are having a birthday thing. Open bar. You wanna be my escort?

zoe rose

Yes.

yasmin puckerman

dope.

zoe rose

Apparently someone put my phone number up in the girls bathroom somewhere on campus.

yasmin puckerman

You be hitting to good. They tryin to share tips

zoe rose

It’s irritating.

yasmin puckerman

You getting a lot of takers?

zoe rose

Just one was too many, so yes.

yasmin puckerman

did you at least have then send pics? Seems like a waste.

zoe rose

You and I both know that's not how I operate.

yasmin puckerman

True. You busy rn? I’m on my way to my brother but tryin to

quick.

zoe rose

No.

yasmin puckerman

cool. can I meet you somewhere?

zoe rose

I'm behind the cafeteria.

yasmin puckerman

omw

zoe rose

(thumbs up)

zoe rose

How's your hand?

yasmin puckerman

purple

zoe rose

It's been a few days, you should have someone look at it.

yasmin puckerman

Yeah that's probably true. Oh shit you know what, I was recently told there's wholeass free medical services on this campus.

zoe rose

I want to know the outcome when you do see someone.

It's amazing what opportunities are afforded to the rich, hm?

yasmin puckerman

Got you. Just set something up for tomorrow morning. At least little ol' me caught up in the benefits. I wonder if I can find a hook up for chiropractor visits

zoe rose

Good girl.

This certainly seems like the type of place that would have something like that. I'm sure if you get a referral from the school any place in town will take it

yasmin puckerman

damn that was new in text form. read the notif off my home screen.

zoe rose

Good or bad?

yasmin puckerman

good. better in person but that's usually cause you're literally fucking me when you say it. it's my performance skills. crushing it.

zoe rose

What are your thoughts on trying something a little more domestic?

yasmin puckerman

Like what?

zoe rose

Household chores, kneeling, things like that.

yasmin puckerman

you know, chores are actually hella unimportant to submission

zoe rose

It's not about the chores.

yasmin puckerman

We could try it out.

zoe rose

That's all I'm asking for.

yasmin puckerman

Aight, you got it.

zoe rose

Thank you.

yasmin puckerman

So I was talking to your sister idk to be encouraging about the switch thing and practicing

Now she's cooking Monday night and I think I'm washing her dishes I know I don't gotta tell you that but

zoe rose

Thank you for telling me.

FEBRUARY

yasmin puckerman

You and me tomorrow right?

zoe rose

Yes.

yasmin puckerman

dope. I’m gonna wrap my hands this time.

zoe rose

We can wrap each other's hands.

yasmin puckerman

how romantic

zoe rose

is that what the kids are considering romantic these days?

yasmin puckerman

the kids?

lol okay grandma

zoe rose

I thought it was funny

yasmin puckerman

trust me it was  

hold up, before i get called out trust me it was, Sir.

zoe rose

i'm glad i was able to make you laugh

yasmin puckerman

you know it don't take much you gonna be dressing me?

zoe rose

Yes.

And we're going to apply Vaseline on our faces, necks, and wrists.

yasmin puckerman

the ol vaseline trick, getting serious

zoe rose

It's better to be prepared.

yasmin puckerman

I can’t wait. I like seeing you like that. Badass and focused.

zoe rose

I think I might actually step into the ring tonight.

yasmin puckerman

Really?

zoe rose

I can’t let you have all the fun.

yasmin puckerman

Now I def can't wait.

zoe rose

Why’s that?

yasmin puckerman

I finally get to see if the bark matches the bite.

zoe rose

I see. I suppose you'll see tonight.

yasmin puckerman

How’s your eye?

zoe rose

Fine. The swelling is down and it’s fading.

yasmin puckerman

That’s good. Must have been my magic touch and them peas.

zoe rose

Your magic touch, huh?

yasmin puckerman

hell yeah I am the baddest chick Shorty you don't believe me, then come with me tonight and I'll show you maaagic what what

zoe rose

♫ i got the magic stick ♪♬

yasmin puckerman

You getting in the ring again this weekend?

zoe rose

Yes. Are you?

yasmin puckerman

I might just watch you go a few rounds because a, that shit was sexy af and b, hands been fucking twinging so I should probably actually give it a minute. Tired of rubbing it out in the morning with my left hand

zoe rose

Come over in the morning. Give your left hand a rest.

yasmin puckerman

don't gotta tell me twice

zoe rose

You're missing something.

yasmin puckerman

my fault Yes, Sir

zoe rose

Good girl.

A blunt and some pussy, I can't imagine a better way to wake up.

yasmin puckerman

already know tomorrow bout to be a good day.

(smile blush) (alien)

zoe rose

liked this message

yasmin puckerman

I'm not trying to come rat a g

yo your sister just asked me to fu

it's nbd but your

you hear that one girl yesterday saying how next week is the last fight club?

zoe rose

Yes. Did you ever find out why?

yasmin puckerman

sounded like whoever funds the space is done vacationing here. do you be forgetting we are legit on a whole ass island surrounded by people with bucks. people do drop a lot in the shop but I swear I forget sometimes

zoe rose

That makes sense. Trust me, I'm constantly reminded of it.

yasmin puckerman

guess I just don't pay enough attention

zoe rose

I think it's just always something that's stood out to me. Other people being able to afford what I couldn't.

yasmin puckerman

Now we're slumming it on someone's yacht every other weekend I'm gonna miss the saturday set up tho

zoe rose

What do you think you're going to miss the most?

yasmin puckerman

besides watching you kick ass? it just feels good. Letting shit out. adrenaline I guess.

zoe rose

Yes, it was the same for me.

What if we started something like that here on campus?

yasmin puckerman

like do our own? for real?

zoe rose

Yes, why not?

yasmin puckerman

hell yeah house makes bank on books

zoe rose

The real question is: how do we invite people and still keep it a secret?

yasmin puckerman

if i'm gonna be brainstorming, i gotta be high for that

zoe rose

I think you're about to ask me something, so I'll just wait for it.

yasmin puckerman

if I just knock, does that count as asking?

zoe rose

No.

yasmin puckerman

you tryin to smoke? Sir?

zoe rose

Try again.

yasmin puckerman

do you want to smoke with me, Sir?

zoe rose

That's better, thank you. The door's open.

yasmin puckerman

You have time to chill tomorrow, Sir?

zoe rose

I was actually going to ask you the same thing.

yasmin puckerman

Oh so you was thinking about me

zoe rose

You say that like it's not something I would readily admit.

yasmin puckerman

Not gonna say I don't like hearing it confirmed.

zoe rose

I don’t mind confirming it from time to time.

yasmin puckerman

Loving the family time but, i'm trying to get away for a little bit if you know what I mean

zoe rose

I've just been in my room. Come over.

yasmin puckerman

Yessir. Already grabbed 2 cans of orange.

zoe rose

liked this message

yasmin puckerman

at least this was a good week to go smight flub-less. we still chillin tho?

zoe rose

My sister is coming over tonight, but you're free to join us.

yasmin puckerman

oh damn, I can't I need your sister thinking I'm too busy r that cool I don't wanna get all in on your time together.

zoe rose

Alright. Are you free tomorrow?

yasmin puckerman

as a bird in spring

zoe rose

I'm going to assume that means yes. I'm thinking a beach day, how do you feel about that?

yasmin puckerman

sounds dope. for a person at a school surrounded by beaches I never really hit it up. Never been a beach person

zoe rose

We'll change that tomorrow then.

yasmin puckerman

cool as long as we involve food

zoe rose

I'll have Marley make us something before she leaves in the morning.

yasmin puckerman

want me to bring sum from the toy collection, Sir?

zoe rose

Yes. It's not like me but, surprise me.

yasmin puckerman

yeah, it's hello not but, bet I got us

zoe rose

See you then.

yasmin puckerman

(peace) (alien)

MARCH

zoe rose

Do you have plans on Saturday?

yasmin puckerman

nah, I save em for yo

Nope.

zoe rose

How about Friday night and Sunday?

yasmin puckerman

you making me sound lonely af rn No, none plans. I've just been working tryin to catch up a little after taking days off with my mom here. But I have Sat off and I never work Sun

zoe rose

I want to have your whole weekend.

Please.

yasmin puckerman

in a you wanna tie me up kind of way or a that date you wanted type thi?

zoe rose

In an I would like your company for a full weekend type of way. Scenes and... just hanging out.

yasmin puckerman

Ok dope, I'm in I get off work at 7 on Friday.

zoe rose

Excellent. Consider these orders. From 7pm Friday to 7am Monday morning.

yasmin puckerman

you got it, Sir.

zoe rose

loved this

yasmin puckerman

finished that flyer. Imma make copies at work today

zoe rose

I can't wait to see what you come up with.

yasmin puckerman

maybe I can get some thrown up tonight on the low after you get a look at it

zoe rose

I'll come with you.

yasmin puckerman

dope

zoe rose

These new deans are something else, hm?

yasmin puckerman

I legit had to look bc someone asked me about new rules I’m

zoe rose

I'd rather not tempt fate. Let's find a venue off campus.

yasmin puckerman

whatever you say boss

zoe rose

I'll ask my connect what he knows.

yasmin puckerman

it was only a matter of time before this school tried somethin to put it’s program students in their place. Not here for it. But also can’t catch me giving a shit about a legacy status They can go on, I’m chillin

zoe rose

I've been expecting this as well. Doesn't even phase me when they pull the status card.

yasmin puckerman

the less I think about it the less likely I am to get pissed so, best for everyone

zoe rose

I should be back with Marley soon. Would you like something to eat?

yasmin puckerman

imma be honest, the answer is yes but also I raided your snack stash already Those sweet chili Doritos are

zoe rose

Those weren't mine.

yasmin puckerman

oh shit, then I owe ya roomie a bag of chips

zoe rose

I'm bringing tacos from that place you like.

yasmin puckerman

yesss How did you know I was craving tacos? Damn that just gave me a boner

zoe rose

I had a hunch, I suppose.

zoe rose

How are you feeling today?

yasmin puckerman

Good. I’m tight. No welts or anything.

zoe rose

And your headspace?

yasmin puckerman

Fine. I’m fucking fabulous today. And yesterday. I was fine on Saturday.

zoe rose

Okay, good.

yasmin puckerman

Yeah solid

zoe rose

Are you still up?

yasmin puckerman

Yeah

zoe rose

Come over?

yasmin puckerman

I would but I did a scene and I can’t leave.

zoe rose

Alright.

yasmin puckerman

Look, I was feeling some type of way and I needed to switch it up so You good?

zoe rose

Yes, why wouldn't I be?

yasmin puckerman

Idk It’s a perfectly valid question. You asked, I can. I mean, you didn’t right now but you did

zoe rose

I asked because it's my job as the Dominant to check in on your after an intense scene.

yasmin puckerman

fuck off and Dominants don’t? Damn, wait that came out fast I’m having a whole day. I meanT. Dominant’s need aftercare too

zoe rose

My aftercare was having you spend the night with me and keeping you close.

yasmin puckerman

Ok good wtf are you making me explain me asking how you are? I feel like I’m tripping

zoe rose

You just asked like something else was wrong with me. I misunderstood.

yasmin puckerman

oh my bad I don’t know why I’m so fucking touchy right now I switched my birth control so maybe I’m hormonal

zoe rose

I would like to see you when you're next free.

yasmin puckerman

Tomorrow?

zoe rose

Tomorrow night you're staying with me. These are orders.

yasmin puckerman

good call official orders for the new rules Yessir

zoe rose

liked this

yasmin puckerman

You coming by right? I picked up on my way home from work.

you wanna taste it?

zoe rose

Say less. Yes, I'm coming over. Damn you look good.

yasmin puckerman

It's GG4 and  

And I'm wet so, please hurry?

zoe rose

Please hurry, what?

yasmin puckerman

please come get your tongue on me, Sir? I had a DAY. Got you a blunt rolled already and my legs open

zoe rose

That's better. I'll be right over.

yasmin puckerman

are you busy?

zoe rose

No.

yasmin puckerman

I need your help with something

zoe rose

Try that again.

yasmin puckerman

fuck yo for real not right n

I need your help with something please

no, damn. do I really have to do this when its an emerg

Can you help me with something, Sir?

Look I gotta slip out right now or I'm gonna be locked out. I tried to do it myself but I can't fucking get it and I'm gonna lose my shit if I have to deal with this all night. And there's only so many ppl I trust if it can't

zoe rose

Come over.

yasmin puckerman

thank god ok I'm running.

yasmin puckerman

h ey

zoe rose

Having a good night?

yasmin puckerman

I did but I could be having a bett er 1

zoe rose

And how's that?

yasmin puckerman

yeah caus imma need your assistannce i'm gonna fall in the tub

zoe rose

What are you doing?

yasmin puckerman

mmmmmm busy being busy I was think in abt you

zoe rose

Are you touching yourself, Yasmin?

yasmin puckerman

oooooh full namin me you're so cute

zoe rose

That doesn't answer my question.

yasmin puckerman

don't you wanna sho w me how no cute you are or sum?'

zoe rose

Seems like you're still missing something.

yasmin puckerman

porn.gif

can you com  over so I can ride you, please sir?

zoe rose

I'll be right over.

yasmin puckerman

goodgirr (blushsmile x2)

[janetsnakehole02]

Thanks for the tag bestie @asgardwinter <3

1 - Why did you choose your url?

LOL this is just my go to alias for everything it’s just the first thing I thought of and I don’t wanna change it either bc now all my moots call me Jan or Janet and it’s actually the cutest thing ever 🥺 there’s a reason April liked the name so much I mean it’s a solid alias lmao

2 - Any side blogs?

Nope this blog alone is too much to handle lmaooo although maybe all my Loki shitposting needs a sideblog idk we’ll see

3 - How long have you been on Tumblr?

I think over a year now? I got it in May 2020 quarantine was a pretty boring time lmao and I got it for this role playing game I used to play on my phone called choices GOD IM CRINGE anyway I didn’t start really using it till January 2021 after I got obsessed w Bridgerton and then binge read all the books. I was a lurker until I got the courage to start reblogging and then I think I posted one thing about people being racist shits about Simone Ashley’s casting and then I picked up traction from there. Then tfatws started airing and then I got into marvel tumblr and actually started posting more shit

4 - Do you have a queue tag?

Nah I don’t queue I don’t get the purpose of it lol

5 - Why did you start your blog in the first place?

Accidentally got ahead of myself and explained that in #3 lol rip but yeah most of my posts were Bridgerton-related first and then I got into MCU tumblr later

6 - Why did you choose your icon/pfp

Laughing Amora is the best Amora. And I know we’re never gonna get her in the MCU so I’m gonna give her the love she deserves

7 - Why did you choose your header?

Simu Liu stock photos + Avengers - ultimate duo

8 - What’s your post with the most notes?

MCU memes that I made using a scene from the Loki series. I honestly made them as a joke for one of my moots @lil-stark bc we make our own memes and send them to each other occasionally but I made myself laugh so I thought I’d share the wealth lmao. Did not think 1000 more people would laugh too so that’s comforting

9 - How many mutuals do you have?

I just counted 32 but I might’ve miscounted lol

10 - How many followers do you have?

145

11 - How many people do you follow?

61

12 - Have you ever made a shitpost?

Listen I qualify pretty much everything I post as a shitpost

13 - How often do you use Tumblr each day?

More often than I would ever admit in public

14 - Did you have a fight/argument with another blog once?

YUP and it gave me my most unhinged (affectionate) moot ever @ashdoesfandom we’re living our best enemies to lovers arc now

15 - How do you feel about “you need to reblog this” posts?

Depends on what it is usually, I’ll scroll past most of the time bc it’ll be something I heard about on insta first and I’ll already have done something about it but if it’s something I haven’t heard about before then I’ll like Google it and see what’s going on

16 - Do you like tag games?

I mean I’m doing one rn so clearly the answer is yes LOL but I’m always scared before tagging people bc I don’t wanna impose and I also don’t wanna seem like I like one moot more than another idk I’m weird

17 - Do you like ask games?

YES I love answering questions about myself lmao

18 - Which of your mutuals do you think is Tumblr famous?

Definitely @handmaiden-of-mischief your fics are out of this WORLD I fucking lost my shit when I saw that you followed me first, I was like OH MY GOD SHE’S THE ONE THAT WROTE BENEATH THE BLEEDING SKIES 😂 also @allaboutloki and @valkyrieandstrangeridingaragorn your Loki discourse and meta is amazing so I was once again losing my shit when y’all followed me back. OH and @xialing-tenrings I mean you have some of the best Xialing & Shangqi content so I am NOT the least bit surprised

19 - Do you have a crush on a mutual?

I mean I did say Ash and I have an enemies to lovers arc soooo ;)

No pressure tags @/lil-stark @/ashdoesfandom @missfairygodmother @aynanasstuff @anyone else

tag game!!

thank you for the tag @barnesafterglow !! 💕 (doing it on a separate post because is getting really long lol)

1 - Why did you choose your url?

my fist was @/habisbi (I was only here to read) but once I decided to write for marvel I chose it @/asgardwinter because I mainly write for Loki and Bucky (and winter is also my favourite season lol)

2 - Any side blogs?

I have I library blog (more for me than my followers because my own reblog makes me feel more confident when I post lol) and a fic rec blog I'm still working on

3 - How long have you been on Tumblr?

I created this acount a bit more than a year ago but only started to really use it on april/may

4 - Do you have a queue tag?

I did but I don't use it anymore

5 - Why did you start your blog in the first place?

at first I was curious about it and than when I returned this year I saw a lot of people writing here and it souded like a fun thing to do (I'm not a native speaker so it was a way to test if I really knew english lol)

6 - Why did you choose your icon/pfp

I liked it and that's it ? (I wish I had a better explanation)

7 - Why did you choose your header?

again, I just found it pretty

8 - What’s your post with the most notes?

my Loki fic Silly Wooden Box I'm so proud of this little oneshot

9 - How many mutuals do you have?

i don't know exactly but love every single one of them (I also know I don't have many but it's just because I'm afraid of talking to people)

10 - How many followers do you have?

244 (I still have no idea how)

11 - How many people do you follow?

about 161 but it increases every day 🙃

12 - Have you ever made a shitpost?

idk maybe?

13 - How often do you use Tumblr each day?

more than I should, for sure

14 - Did you have a fight/argument with another blog once?

no, the only thing I ever got into was some people translating tumblr works without permission

15 - How do you feel about “you need to reblog this” posts?

I just ignore most of the time? idk I fell like not reblogging is my protest lol

16 - Do you like tag games?

I love them!! (I'm just really afraid of tagging people and upsetting them, but I love to see that someone thought of me)

17 - Do you like ask games?

yes yes yes!!

18 - Which of your mutuals do you think is Tumblr famous?

idk about famous but I'll say about people that I freaked out a bit when they followed me. @buckysbiota (Ari's so talented I was shocked lol), also @poetic-fiasco (I read her stuff on ao3 and was like "you?? here?? on my page??really??")

19 - Do you have a crush on a mutual?

i need to confess that i fall for everyone who is even a bit decent to me... so more than one 🥰

💕 no pressure tags: @/buckysbiota + @janetsnakehole02 + @writing-for-marvel + @/poetic-fiasco + whoever wants to do!

[familybreakfastt]

Like I was on video with my friend a few days ago and idk even last night I was on video and it is like I just go on auto just to entertain it was different last night and idk if I will talk abt it here only to my BFF I actually almost did but I felt so disgusted but anyways I was ugh nvm but does anyone get like that too and u just like something switches in ur head and ur this whole other person and ur like talking and laughing and as soon as it’s over it just goes back and it just feels like nothing again is it just me and how ive been saying I feel like I’m just losing my mind more and more every day and back when I was younger I thought I was worse but now it is like I wish I could go back because the hereditary mental illness really kicked in when I started being groomed and especially now 2021 rn I am carrying years of trauma from so many things and so many experiences and things I have done and the mental illness I was born with idk what I am even saying or if it makes sense but I feel like every day I am losing it more and more and I don’t wanna get therapy or meds or anything like I don’t want that either at all anymore but anyways idk it is just so sad that my life is the Way it is and if y went back in time and told me maybe I would not believe u and I always think how my mom told me one of her like idk cousin or something went into someone’s driveway in his car and like just blew his head off there and she told me that Cuz she was checking to the ward for a month back when I was like 12 and I always think abt that and I won’t be suprised if it is me o dont have a gun but I have a million blade and a noose and nobody seems 2 care abt that either I just leave my shit sitting out or have sheets w a million huge blood stains and in my carpet and on all to towels from my sh binges and nobody even says a word idk what to even say

[doingfuckall]

update #1 : the financial system

I was never the kind of girl who asked for help no matter how much shit I had over my head. I just couldn’t bring myself to voice my needs to others. (is not being able to ask for help a problem? I don’t give a shit, it’s not what matters rn.) I always tried to find a solution to the problem without bringing attention to it. 

if no one knows about it, is it really a problem?

maybe it still is but it’s easier to deal with things when no one is here to judge you. it’s easier to keep a flame of hope burning when no one is going to blow it. I’d rather burn myself than let anyone put it out. because fuck it’s all I’ve got most of the time.

my way of coping with depression is to make plans which is great honestly. it gave me a sense of hopefulness I haven’t felt in so long. I used to constantly feel that sense of foreshortened future but I’m starting to think that I might actually live past 20. and now I have a shit ton of projects and being an 18 year-old means no money and yeah I didn’t grow up in a rich family so money was something I always knew would be a struggle at some point.

so obviously I need to save as much as possible. I know I can’t spend my first paycheck on cloths or any sort of technology. cause then my next paycheck wouldn’t be spent any differently. I know that it’s just gonna quickly turn into an endless cycle of «I will spend my next paycheck in a better way» but I just won’t. it won’t help my future. I know it won’t. 

I have the chance of still being able to live with my mom so the financial system I’ve come up with is pretty simple and doesn’t include bills and rent and grocery shopping. it’s basically split up in three big categories : personal, investments and savings.

(detailed version of my financial/saving system under the cut)

just so you know I personally won’t have to pay for any bill, food, insurance etc. so everything other than “personal” and “investments” are just savings but for different things

INVESTMENTS (7%)

I know 7% isn’t much but it’s always better than nothing at all, especially considering the fact that I probably won’t be investing right away in case of an economical crises. yo girl don’t wanna lose all her money

PERSONAL (20%)

ok this one is pretty simple, it’s just divided in 3 parts. the first one is pocket money (2%), which includes outings with friends and random outings by myself. the second part is classes which is 6%. self-explanatory but I’ll take some classes next year. either boxing, dancing or acting classes idk yet. and last part is 12% of books and art supplies. I’ll probably buy myself a camera because one of my biggest goals is to travel in a van and I’ll have to document it in some way.

SAVINGS (73%)

this one is gonna be long so buckle your seatbelts kids cause you’re in for a long fucking ride. this shit has 5 big categories and each are divided in smaller categories depending on what I’m supposed to spend the money on later.

the first big section is called “savings” (yes, I have a saving section called savings, fuck off). it has 3 subdivisions. subdivision #1 is my emergency fund, my goal is to have around 1000€ in it by the end of 2021 so I’ll put 7% of my paycheck in it. next subdivision is my retirement savings of 5%. I live in France so it’s partly funded by the state but I want a fucking great end of my life so I’ll start putting money aside now. final subdivision is future projects : 3%. again I have a ton of projects that’s gonna cost money so I better start saving now.

big section #2 is housing (mortgage) 10%. I don’t plan on buying a house or anything to live in it anytime soon but I need some passive incomes so I’ll get a nice flat in a student town and rent it.

big section #3 is named van 30%, that’s for my dream of living in a van full time and travel Europe to discover every weird little town in each country. also food, I want to eat each traditional meal from every country. anyway, this section is divided in 5 subdivisions depending on how I’ll be spending that money.

subdivision #1 is for the vehicule in itself as well as the interior that I’ll build myself (14%). subdivision #2 will be spent on my gym membership which will also be used for showers (3%). subdivision #3 is gonna be laundry because that’s kinda important I guess (2%). then subdivision #4 will be for groceries (9%). and finally subdivision #5 is for toiletries (2%).

in the next big section we have transportation with 8%, this one is for gas and repairs but I'm not gonna be driving any time so 8% is fine.

and final big section is for insurances, 10% should be enough? I don't how much I'll have to spend in the future but I think that's enough savings.

some quarantine plans

to be healthier

exercise at least 3x a week to become the Dwayne Johnson you are inside

drink 1.5L daily, water or tequila I don’t even care at this point

sleep ~8 hours every night, please im tired

cook healthier meals from scratch, preferably something new

for my brain

study spanish and pretend you’re a 70yo abuela cooking the best meals of your life

watch some movies/shows in spanish because let’s not pretend this quarantine will be 100% productive

use duolinguo before the owl comes to your door and kills you

read a book or maybe two or three

study, analyse and annotate some books because dark academia, need I say more?

for my future

create a financial system to save money for when I’ll have a job 

write a resume + cover letter because apparently you need a job to get money?? what a fucking scam

some artistic things

finish at least one painting so I can claim to be an artist again

embroid my cloths with some punk and rebellious shit

play the piano and the guitar more often so I can stay sane

journal every day about quarantine and be extremely melodramatic about it

write the next greatest piece of litterature

I don’t even know but would be nice

watch tarot videos on youtube and plan my entire day around that

write letters to my future self and be as vague and eerie as possible

make some playlists for very specific situations

learn a new skill (anything from coding to eavesdropping)

plan post-quarantine life as ambitiously as possible