#2021 gender identity rambling

[yellowjacketslesbian]

What Van Palmer Means to Me

(this is an entirely self-indulgent rambling essay, but my options were writing this or sobbing over seeing adult Van in the trailer for the hundredth time)

A huge thank you to @woodenpicador for proofreading this and especially for all their encouragement to actually share this.

When I started watching Yellowjackets in December 2021 on a whim and a few friends’ recommendations, I couldn’t have predicted it would be my reason to join a fandom for the first time in my life. I definitely never expected to connect with one of the characters as deeply as I did.

But why would I expect to connect with one of the characters? I had never seen myself truly reflected media before. There have been a few characters I’ve felt some level of connection with over the years, like Jo March in Little Women and Kat Stratford in 10 Things I Hate About You, but my love for them and other characters was built on the foundation of headcanoning key changes to the characters’ identities (see: Jo March is a nonbinary lesbian in my heart). I had never before been able to truly see myself in a character as they were presented in the source material. As sad as it sounds, I don’t know if I ever really expected to get to see myself reflected back in a piece of media.

Van Palmer was the first time I truly saw myself on screen. Seeing her meant so much more to me than words can ever really describe, but I’ll make my sincerest attempt. Seeing a character be so unapologetically a lesbian and especially, a butch lesbian (in 1996, no less) was huge for me and I’m sure many other masc, butch, nonbinary, or otherwise gender nonconforming lesbians. While Van is far from the first butch lesbian in media (though we are severely underrepresented), she is one of the first I’ve seen that’s been allowed to exist fully beyond an amalgamation of stereotypes. She’s a fully realized character who is also butch lesbian. It’s so clearly evident that she’s a full character, not a prop for a storyline or a character created to check a representation box.

Van Palmer is a soft, sweet, loyal, caring, smart, funny, sarcastic, dorky film nerd who loves her girlfriend deeply, and she’s butch. She has so many traits beyond the more obvious parts of her identity and the beautiful thing about her characterization is that those traits are treated as just as much a part of her as her being butch. Van is butch and she’s soft. Van is butch and she’s loyal. Van is butch and she’s a dork.

For me, seeing a butch lesbian on screen who’s also inherently soft and sweet and loyal was groundbreaking. In a lot of ways, it infuriates me that having a butch/masc/gnc lesbian character with those traits in media has been so rare in the past. People who know masc/butch lesbians in real life can attest to those traits being the standard not the exception, but for a long time media portrayals of us have relied heavily on (mostly) negative stereotypes to paint a caricature of our identities rather than committing to an accurate portrayal of us as actual people.

Being exposed to negative stereotypes of masc lesbians in media and then hearing those biases repeated in real life made it so much harder for me personally to realize and accept that I’m butch and that I’m attracted to other masc/butch lesbians. When you grow up seeing and hearing only negative stereotypes about your identity, it’s so hard to embrace that identity.

Especially as someone who spent my teens and early college years heavily closeted for various reasons and could tolerate dressing more femininely, I spent some time after coming out as a lesbian trying to be femme, and femme4femme no less. It was so hard to accept that I was masc, knowing all the privileges I would have to give up to embrace that. It was even harder to allow myself to actually label myself as masc/butch knowing all the stereotypes that would come with that label.     

I remember being newly out to myself as a lesbian and going down the checklist of stereotypes in my head to reaffirm that I couldn’t possibly be masc or butch. This wasn’t exactly hard: the only example of a butch lesbians I had seen in media were hardened, stoic, archetypes of a “fuckboi” copy and pasted from Shane (to be clear, I love Shane, but it’s exhausting when she’s the only representation masc lesbians are allowed to have) with small details changed. As embarrassing as it is to admit how hard it was to accept myself back then, I want to illustrate why the representation masc/butch lesbians finally have in Van Palmer is so important and necessary.

Though I had already been presenting masc for a while when Yellowjackets aired, it wasn’t until I saw Van that I felt comfortable actually labeling myself as masc and butch and truly accepted that part of my identity. I was able to see a butch lesbian on screen being soft and vulnerable, where that softness wasn’t something she had to find but something that was as much a part of her as any other part of her identity. Watching Van be a soft, sweet, dork who uses sarcasm as her armor was the first time I saw myself reflected back in a piece of media. When I saw her on screen it was just this lightbulb moment of “oh, actually I can be butch and still be everything I already am.” Seeing real representation for the first time in my life in Van Palmer allowed me to actually accept my identity and stop trying to apologize to the world for being gender nonconforming.

At the same time, seeing Van was also a little bittersweet. I could see the person eighteen-year-old me had been too scared to be back in the mid-2010s. However, I’m so incredibly grateful that young butch/masc/nonbinary/gnc lesbians now have Van Palmer on their televisions because maybe, just maybe, I would’ve accepted myself a little bit sooner had I had a character like Van to look to back then.

Van’s very existence as a character has been a monumental stride for butch/masc representation, but her storyline in season one, including her relationship with Taissa have also demonstrated marked changes for the better in lesbian representation and queer representation overall that I never could have imagined. I watched Van’s New York monologue in episode seven and was immediately filled with dread because I had seen different iterations of that same monologue so many times before. They always ended in a beloved queer character dying too young and too soon. Van’s “death” at the end of episode seven didn’t shock me, because I had expected it since her and Taissa’s kiss in episode five. It was her survival in episode eight that did. The deliberate subversion of the “bury the gays” trope with Van was a true turning point in queer representation. The writers took what we have all been unfortunately trained to expect by decades of watching the characters who represent our identities die in the first act, and twisted it into a story of a queer characters survival time and again, despite all odds. That the queer character happens to be a butch lesbian, an identity that is often ignored altogether, makes her survival so much more meaningful. It’s also incredible that Van and Taissa are in not only a lesbian relationship (and they come out) in 1996, but also an interracial relationship. Depicting a relationship between a Black lesbian and a butch lesbian is huge when lesbian and sapphic representation is still predominately and nearly exclusively white femme4femme couples. I could write a whole different essay on why it’s so important to have Van and Taissa’s relationship on screen and praise the decision for them to be in an established relationship, but I’ll save that for a different day.  

The day we got the casting announcement for adult Van and I saw a post that read “Van lives,” I wept because it meant that I would continue to see myself on screen. While I had believed that Van would survive, I had watched people theorize (and almost delight in) all the different ways this character—who had finally given me and many other people representation—could die. That casting announcement allowed all of us who have known, loved, or been a Van to breathe a collective sigh of relief that those people had been wrong, and, as surreal as it seemed, Van Palmer would get to grow up.

After the casting announcement, the question loomed: Van lives, but would butch Van? At times, doubt crept in and I began to worry that the tradeoff for Van’s survival would be a feminized version of her that would be “more palatable for audiences” in the present timeline. When I saw the first promotional photos of adult Van I screamed “oh my god, they’re actually letting her be a dyke,” and then I sobbed. It was the moment I actually allowed myself to fully believe that I would get to see her grow up and become a true older version of the butch lesbian that had finally given me representation for the first time in my life.

I couldn’t possibly write this without acknowledging the actor who has single handedly made monumental strides in representation for butch, masc, nonbinary, and otherwise gender nonconforming lesbians everywhere by originating the role of Van Palmer. Liv Hewson brought Van to life with so much care and added so much to the character, in a way I don’t believe any other actor could have. From clocking Van as a lesbian long before they were told she is one to all of the improvisations they added, Liv had a huge role in creating Van. I’m not sure we would even be meeting adult Van in a few short weeks without Liv.

There are infinitely more things I could say about Van Palmer, but I’ll end here. I am so incredibly grateful to have Van as representation and I hope that everyone who has had a hand in bringing her to life on screen knows what she means to so many of us. I am placing my full trust in the writers to continue to beautifully portray this groundbreaking representation on screen and allow her story to continue in both timelines until the final episode. 

[fullscoreshenanigans]

HI bestie happy pride !!!!!!! one quastion do you have any lgbt hcs for tpn that you're particularly fond of? whether they were hard hcs from the beginning or picked up from others,, give me yuor thoughts <3

ℍ𝔸ℙℙ𝕐 ℙℝ𝕀𝔻𝔼 𝔹𝔼𝕊𝕋𝕀𝔼!!! 🌈❤️🧡💛💚💙💜✨

My favorite hard headcanons that will come as a surprise to no one who has spent some time browsing this blog are endgame Norrayemma/REN/NER and Gildayshe, the former of which I'm very fortunate with when it comes to finding art and fic, and the latter not so much because I've never seen it anywhere besides this site. </3 (Thanks for prompting me to finally put together my past!Gildemma → endgame!Gildemma ramble I mentioned months ago. 🧡💚💛) Special shoutout to @frozentothetouch whose art converted me back in 2021 before I made this blog.

I don't have hard gender or sexuality headcanons for the trio for reasons @hanz-xd perfectly articulated here:

i think they'd have a hard time understanding the human world's perception of relationships and their hyper focus on labels. it's not like they really had those things at grace field, or at least, it wasn't important enough for them to care about. no one really called themselves straight, gay, bi, etc. so it's a little confusing for them in the real world. not the concept of these identities, just the need for labels in the first place. emma is kinda like "well i love every body?? why do i need to label that??" i think emma also struggles to understand the pressure of monogamy because again, her heart is so big and so full, she can't possibly imagine containing that love to one single person. especially when she thinks about ray and norman. she doesn't love one of them more than the other, she loves both of them so much. why would she want to force herself to choose when she could just love both of them? [...] but yeah, to summarize, the three of them would be together, but they'd never put labels on their identities, aside from calling each other their boyfriend/girlfriend. that's all it needs to be for them. the most they’ll do is confirm with a simple “yeah i guess” when people ask if they’re polyamorous. like yeah, they are by definition, but they don’t really care about labels. they just love each other in a way that feels right and authentic to them

The trio of my heart 🤍🧡🖤 though if I had to pick some, I'd default to the ones @officersnickers uses in this piece.

Likewise I don't have firm gender headcanons for Gildayshe, but I'm very big on lesbian Gilda, once again thanks to Rain and also to @just-like-playing-tag. I would also say I'm 95% committed to lesbian Ayshe, with the last 5% being my soft spot for Rayshe, though even then she's wlw + Ray doesn't necessarily have to be cis for it to work.

I'm ever so slightly less big on Yuucas but still big on it and a firm believer in the bunkerdads. 🖤❤️ Like many people in the fandom, I also champion gay Lucas and bi Yuugo, though ngl I'm half convinced Shirai included Dina as an afterthought at the suggestion of higher-ups so people wouldn't suspect either was a mlm or "funny" with the kids given how inconsequential Yuuna is to the story. Do love a bi skunk king though. 💖💜💙👑🦨✨

I also love the idea of bi Nat with him leaning toward guys thanks to @puff-poff. Don is pan with a preference toward girls (though you have shown me the light of trans gay Don. 🙏💙💖🤍) I love the thought of him firmly believing in the idea of "finding a cute girl to date" like he talks about in episode 1, only to one day be hit with the mental equivalent of a sack of bricks upon falling hard for a guy. Not in like an angsty way because this is years down the line and he's able to handle his insecurities better, plus he has the support of a large family filled with members of the community and I'd like to think after another world war the human world as a whole is more accepting of this, so there's no shame attached to it. It's more like having it happen and then going in the group chat with something akin to "remember when I said I was a ladies' kind of guy?"

No one in the Goldy Pond crew or Lambda gang claims cishet, but my favorites for each:

Trans lesbian Violet. I cannot pass up Shirai canonically making her favorite food pickles (noted in the mystic code book). It writes itself.

Love the thought of Violet taking Gilda under her wing during their search for the Seven Walls when she finds out she had a crush on Emma. (something Violet can relate to lol)

Trans girl Gillian. Feel like this one is less common than trans Violet, but regardless, she's pan and Nigel's bi.

Vincent is gay. M'guy dapper af.

(Chapter 137)

Cislo is a mlm, though Snickers has kind of converted me to him being aroace.

Barbara is a lesbian. While I'm definitely not opposed to Cherry Bomb, I've recently taken a liking to her and Sonya being a couple. (Sonyara? Is this a thing that I've missed or am I the only potential shipper? I like the idea of Sonya approaching things in a more calm and levelheaded fashion and how that sometimes conflicts with Barbara's more chaotic one, but instead of it resulting in ire, they take it as a playful challenge. Plus I like how Sonya's blues pop next to Barbara's pinks and reds.)

(Bad mesh of their color pics in the art world book but I work with what I have. </3)

This is already hella long but there was definitely something between Leuvis and Bayon Sr. Also Geelan is a mlm.

[religion-is-a-mental-illness]

By: Michael Mohr

Published: Apr 3, 2023

The Democratic Party has very slowly seen their grip on Asian, Hispanic and Black voters slipping as of late. There are many nuanced, complex reasons for this. Here’s some fascinating data from Pew Research:

66% of Black Democrats believe sex is immutable and assigned at birth.

62% of Black Americans believe race should NOT be a factor in college admissions.

38% of Black Americans believe police funding should be INCREASED; 38% believe funding should remain as is; only 23% want it decreased.

In 2021, 65% of Black Americans believed that increased attention given to inequality had NOT led to changes for the better for Black Americans.

64% of Black adults feel that the ‘racial reckoning’ and focus on identity has NOT led to positive changes.

Only 29% of Black Democrats identify as ‘liberal’ within the party. (Compared with 55% of Whites.)

Currently, there has been a roughly 11% drop in Black voter support of the Democratic Party, dropping from 90% to 79%.

55% of Black Americans believe Democrats should work hard to find common ground with Republicans, versus only 41% who feel Democrats should proceed with their agenda no matter what.

***All this data seems to make one thing clear: White lefties are turning Black voters off, big time. If white liberals keep being paternalistic and keep ignoring what Black voters actually want, and how these voters think and feel, Dems are going to be in trouble.

Of course what I’m presenting here is only one angle on a complicated story. 63% of Black adults, according to Pew (source #9 below) still feel that racism is a major problem, and 60% feel that police brutality is. And there’s more in this vein. I’m not trying to oversimplify the case or cherry-pick or be one-sided. In general, Black Americans still vastly favor the Democratic Party broadly (though they’re generally more moderate).

I’m simply pointing out that this demographic seems to clearly *not* like the direction the Democratic Party is moving. We should pay attention to this.

Resources:

https://www.pewresearch.org/fact-tank/2023/01/04/black-democrats-differ-from-other-democrats-in-their-views-on-gender-identity-transgender-issues/

https://www.pewresearch.org/fact-tank/2019/02/25/most-americans-say-colleges-should-not-consider-race-or-ethnicity-in-admissions/

https://www.pewresearch.org/fact-tank/2021/10/26/growing-share-of-americans-say-they-want-more-spending-on-police-in-their-area/

https://www.pewresearch.org/race-ethnicity/2022/08/30/black-americans-are-pessimistic-about-their-position-in-u-s-society/

https://www.pewresearch.org/race-ethnicity/2022/08/30/black-americans-are-pessimistic-about-their-position-in-

https://www.pewresearch.org/fact-tank/2020/02/27/5-facts-about-black-democrats/u-s-society/

https://www.newsweek.com/democrats-black-voter-problem-only-getting-worse-opinion-1749500?amp=1

https://www.pewresearch.org/fact-tank/2020/02/27/5-facts-about-black-democrats/

https://www.pewresearch.org/race-ethnicity/2022/08/30/black-americans-are-pessimistic-about-their-position-in-u-s-society/

==

People forget that black Americans tend to be more conservative on average, slower to leave religion, less likely to subscribe to the fashionable, postmodern ramblings of the privileged, elite class.

[shiorisdefenseattorney]

Rambling about my (lack of) gender. I've been saying things like this for a while but it's nice to write it all down at once.

In 2021 and such I was doing the whole "I think I might be trans because I have bottom dysphoria!" thing and I'm not so sure I do for real for real. I mean I'm glad it's an option I explored ofc but I don't think I'm trans, really, when I compare my needs to other trans people's needs, and when I compare the way I think about myself to the way other trans people talk about themselves. I'm still agender but for me this is more an ideology I hold about myself, a wish for people to see me "just as me without gendered expectations of any kind" that may not ever come to pass, no matter how carefully I monitor my presentation (and monitoring my presentation that closely and that constantly is some dystopian shit to me). I use they/them pronouns but I don't experience notable dysphoric discomfort when people use she/her and especially now that I've changed the way I dress I'm not living uncomfortably in my own body in terms of where my gender "performance" is at. I know that I look like a woman, just a dyke now, and now I'm fine. I think the dysphoria I was experiencing was an understandable emotional reaction to my living situation at the time, where I both wanted to look less feminine and "womanly" to other people and needed to drastically change the way I perceived my body's gendered alignment, accept the kind of roles I want to play in sex, embrace my dyke identity in full. I hated my body because of my perceived obligation to have sex with my boyfriend-- now that the obligation is gone, I'm not dealing with those feelings. Now I know I am always going to look like a cis woman to others, and I'll always have to prompt them to use they/them pronouns or think of me in an agender fashion, and it's like. Kind of annoying. But not really. It's not tearing me up the way I'm "supposed" to feel as a trans person, it's just sort of how it is. So perhaps I don't want to continue to claim "transness" when other trans people have a completely different relationship to gender, presentation, and/or their bodies. I know I'm not exactly cis either. I think "agender woman-shaped dyke" is still the best way to describe me.

[morg-among-the-stars]

Happy March 29th, or as the nerds I'm friends with know it to be, Happy "Sing to Me Instead" Day!

While I could do my yearly raving about the album, I want to take a different approach and talk about the times of my life that coincided with Ben's music as a whole being released.

"Sing to Me Instead" came out in March of 2019 (5 years ago today!) I was 14 years old and newly coming into my queer identity. The music video for "Ease My Mind," a video that shows Ben and a portrayal of his partner in a soft, domestic setting, was legitimately the first time I saw two people of the same gender being happy together in that way. Before that, the word "gay" had been used against me in a derogatory way: "You look gay. / People are going to think you're gay if you dress like that." Not even in the sense of "dressing like a lesbian" (though queerness does not have a dress code, I should make clear), more in the sense of "gay = bad/something you don't want to be." So, to actually see a piece of what gay meant, and to see that it wasn't anything derogatory-- bad-- terrifying... was a huge moment for me. A moment that led me to find other queer media, leading into finding sapphic media such as the musical "The Prom" and music by "The Indigo Girls" and other queer female artists who I still love now, all this time later.

"Reverie" came out in August of 2021. I was 17 and happy with my identity, not dealing with the confusion and fear that I had felt amidst "Sing to Me Instead." I had entered my first ever relationship and thought I felt "reverie"-- pleasant daydreaming, calm, joy-- boy, oh, boy was I wrong. It was a love that hurt, a love that kicked me when I was down and bruised me. "dark times" and "leave my mind" were looped a lot, all the time, 24/7, because that was what helped me to drown out those words that person spewed to me, the words that bruised, slithered into my mind and heart and stuck like super glue-- so terribly hard to wash away-- and kicked me down far into a pit that I spent quite a long, long, long time digging myself out of. Thankfully, I am out of that pit, though the words haunt me sometimes. They fade with every passing day. Thank goodness.

"Honeymind" will come out on May 31st of this year. I will be 19 (as I am now). By then, my partner (@strawberryfemmesapphic) and I will have been together for a year. And while the album will not release on our anniversary (because Ben does not line up his release dates for one specific lesbian couple haha), it will be close enough. The way Ben describes love with this album's concept-- "my love for him somehow softens things up and slows it all down. Like all the jagged thoughts and fears and anxieties always jutting out in my brain are slowly smoothed out, until my whole mind is thickly coated and dripping with pervading warmth and sweetness."-- is the best way I can describe what I feel for her. I don't like to use other people's words, but this reigns true. The softness and ease I feel by just hearing their voice is unmatched. I sometimes visualize my thoughts as if they are tumbling downward like the scene in "Alice in Wonderland," where Alice first falls down the rabbit hole into Wonderland; falling fast and not easily able to climb back up the hole. (There I go using someone else's work to prove my point). Their voice alone can help my thoughts not be as scattered and to smooth out in a more manageable way. They view it as rambling, I view it as helping me in a way I have never been helped before. She gives me honeymind. After all the previously mentioned confusion and fear and heartache and sleepless nights, I have honeymind. My heart is safe, through every twist and turn it took for our paths to cross.

So, all in all, I am unbelievably grateful for Ben's music. These albums and songs have helped me through the most vulnerable times of growing into my teenage years and growing into my queerness. Finding and growing into healthy love, too.

<3

[nedsseveredhead]

If you get this, answer with 3 random facts about yourself and send this to the last 7 people in your notifs! Let’s get to know each other better! (Anon or not, it doesn’t matter)

ASDFGHJ I FORGOT TO ANSWER THIS HI NATE I LOVE YOU now lets see i have got to be the most boring person alive

I have two identical scars next to eachother at my hairline because i swan dove into a bath tub as a toddler (there was a reason but i dont remember it) and bashed my head open on the faucet part. and it was winter and when we were walking outta the ER after the stitches I slipped on ice and bashed my head on someones car bumper and had to go back in for more stitches lol

In true nonbinary fashion, when I was still waffling over gender and identity stuff, I considered going by the name Sheep, then Shep, then axed that whole idea and went with Ned which people had already been calling me for years due to my user name. Speaking of, I legally have three names depending on what paperwork you look at. I snuck Elias into the first name section last minute when I was petitioning my name change so I officially have two first names, Edward Elias. Then when I converted to Judaism they had me pick a Hebrew name and after much discussion with the Rabbi we chose Yitzhak, so thats my official name on that paper work. I've also lowkey been playing with the name Francis recently. Neds never going away but I love names lmao

Okay originally 2 was two seperate answers but i ended up rambling about all the same stuff so heres one thats separate from name shit. When i was in likeeeee 5th/6th grade, and very much Lying About My Age on the internet (as you did back then), I got promoted to moderator of Webkinz Insider somehow. It was the most surreal experience of my life I had no idea what the fuck I was doing I'd just like. Write some articles. Edit a little maybe. And then the pressure got too much (and I was sorta growing out of webkinz a bit anyway) so i just logged off and never touched it again the end asdf (i actually looked it up to see if I could find any of my old work but it looks like the site shut down in 2021 and i cant be assed to check the wayback machine for my shitty writing asdfvg)

Okay thats it for Ned trivia love you <333

[fledglingmaster]

Dissecting the past:

In 2021 I came to realize that I have a past life from another source that is parallel to my life as Ciel. Well, as close to parallel as possible, my birth was 4 years and a few months off. This life and world are an altered version of the one I had as Ciel. One could argue my life as Ciel is from an altered life as well when compared to the current world. I will not bore you (reader) with my rambling on alternate universes or multiverses. The basic idea is that someone changed the world as it was known and now everyone still exists but perhaps differently than how they were. There are now other supernatural beings that have clashed with humans.

As Ciel, I was not aware of this other life. As…hmm what should I call him? Let’s go with “Vincent.” As “Vincent,” I was aware of my life as Ciel. I had the ability to see some of the alterations that took place and what the “true past” was like. I only gained this ability after I inherited what I deemed a curse. Most of my childhood I was unaware of this other life. It wasn’t until my late teens that I was marked. By the time I ran into Sebastian, who wasn’t a demon but something else, I knew it was him instantly. I came on a tad strong, in my defense I was dealing with two lifetimes of trauma. Sadly, he didn’t recall me as most did not. I decided to not divulge our shared past. I was stubborn and hoped he would remember it on his own. I hoped anyone would. (As I still do, yet here I am being vague. I don’t name a source because I want the memories to come back organically. I want someone to stumble upon it and connect the dots for themselves. And yes, there is a bit of fear of someone going, “meh, I don’t see it.”)

Now with two pasts…current day me has had some confusion. It’s kind of like watching two movies at the same time with the exact same actors, set in the same period, and trying to keep them straight. There are some common themes as well. I adopted someone else’s name/identity. I was orphaned. I had a traumatic childhood. I had a brother, though not by blood originally. Undertaker brought him back, yet again. Sebastian wasn’t human and I was still appetizing to him, though he wasn’t a demon. He still loves cats. Undertaker was causing chaos behind the scenes.

More: Sieglinde was considered a witch of the forest, and she had Wolfram by her side. William was too serious for his own good and wanted everything done by the book. Grell was just as murderous as before and still had gender issues. Edward had some weird rivalry with me, though this time he was a woman, and he was interested in Sebastian. Mey-Rin had a small crush on Sebastian. Finny was sunny as always. Bard was kind of moody. Madam Red met her end in front of me again. Lizzie and I loved each other, though it was a little different.

I’m sure you can see how difficult it can be to separate everything. There were things I remembered that I thought was from my time as Ciel that really was as my time as “Vincent.” One major thing, I thought the cult had conducted medical experiments on me and my brother. That was as Vincent. I thought I might have struggled with a morphine dependance at one point, also Vincent. I thought I went through some kind of transformation, despite being very aware of my death…Vincent once more. I’m now filtering any memories that come through, which life does it make more sense in? Some are obvious, others are trickier.

Why am I writing this? I guess I just want to be transparent. I know I can’t be the only one going through this and maybe by sharing this it could help someone else. I tend to keep to myself in the kin community, I am rather shy. But I haven’t heard much on anyone experiencing this. My messages and inbox are always open, if anyone wants to chat or has questions. At the least, I hope someone found this interesting and maybe they’ve gained a new perspective.

[rizardofether]

Saw my friends doing this FR lair census thing and of course I had to do one too cause I love statistics and graphs.

Total of 200 of my dragons. Long post of graphics and my ramblings below:

Iridescent and shimmer sound about right for favourites figured ghost would be up there too but didn't think it would be number one.

For primaries: iridescent is on 40 of my dragons. Second place goes to poison with just 15 dragons with third place being starmap at 12.

For secondaries: shimmer is number one with 45 dragons having it. Second place is bee with 24 dragons. Third is spinner at 17.

For tertiaries: ghost is number one with 28 dragons. Second is capsule with 24. Third goes to glimmer with 21 dragons.

For colours obsidian sure is popular, it's popular on the site overall after all. 39 dragons. Second place colour is white at 24. Third one goes to midnight with 21 dragons. Black white and purple also for some reason. Surprised with midnight. Green comes in only at fourth with seafoam being on 13 dragons. There are multiple other dragons tied at fifth at 10 dragons each, several being green shades though.

Next dragon flights in my lair. Wind and nature being the biggest was no surprise, though surprised I have more nature than wind, though I suppose I haven't gotten as many dragons lately than when I was back in nature so I guess that makes sense.

The runner ups of ice, light & lightning having the most after them makes sense as well, given they're the flights I've been in besides the two green ones. Shadow is surprisingly low for my first flight but I suppose I got rid of most of my old dragons from back then.

As for breeds it's about what I expected. My favourite modern breeds: wildclaws, skydancers and coatls being up there, imperials are quite a bit lower than I'd expected I guess I just don't have as many even though I like them.

I have a large amount of pearlcatchers despite not liking them that much due to somehow ending with several breeding pairs consisting of atleast one pearlcatcher and I sometimes keep their hatchlings for myself.

I like aberrations, veilspun and aethers a lot but I just haven't been getting as many dragons as back in the day so I haven't gotten that many of these breeds.

The gender leaning more towards male was no surprise. I definitely prefer male characters over female characters, though with these dragons it doesn't matter that much so they're not completely outnumbered. 121 male dragos and 79 female dragons.

It seems I was most active getting dragons in 2018. That would have been a year after I returned to FR in 2017 after taking a break soon after I started back in 2015. It's leading by such a huge margin though, wow. 91 dragons from 2018 while I got 21 in 2017 and 20 in 2021. Since I didn't play in 2016 I only got 2 dragons from that year, I just happened to buy two several year old dragons within the last couple years. Needed their specific colours for projects and they happened to be the ones that fit.

Other observations:

A pic of some of my front page dragons. The green colours do surface here and there. I was expecting more green, though I suppose it makes sense, as I have taken green in as part of my identity in just the couple last years while I've been playing FR for twice as long.

This is the colours of the dragons I've sealed in my hibernal den. It seems I have a pattern for dragons who I've deemed my least favourites..

Fun look at my clan's leader pair and its hatchlings I kept. I kept one for almost all the flights I had been in, except shadow (since I properly made my clan only after moving to nature), ice (for some reason?) and wind (I had stopped breeding the pair by then)

Looking at the colours of triplets from the same nest. It's wild how their colours settled so perfectly despite the huge colour range difference in their parents. This is why I specifically kept them.

Spotted that 3 of my primal collection dragons were hatched on the same day. Must have been a good day for primals.

And lastly part of what contributed to the amount of obsidian dragons. The brief amount of time when I really wanted a bunch of obsidian primary dragons for some reason.

[zeynatura]

Sometimes I wonder how my parents didn't realize I was autistic when as a kid one of my special interests were horror movies, specially movies a kid should not be watching lmao

Cause I just spend an hour rambling to a friend about the Chucky movies and the lore

My friend hasn't watch any but sent me a video of two dudes talking about Chucky's son who's bisexual and that started the rambling

Cause Glenn is genderfluid not bisexual wtf how do you mistake a sexual orientation with gender identity?!?!

And that was established in the 2004 movie which later on was referenced in the 2021 show (which I haven't watched but I will I promise lol)

[cyncity2000]

I posted 1,221 times in 2022

That's 141 more posts than 2021!

165 posts created (14%)

1,056 posts reblogged (86%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@salemruinseverything

@combeauferre

@sithiegoodness

@castielsupernatural

@twelvefifteencomic

I tagged 1,193 of my posts in 2022

Only 2% of my posts had no tags

#i like (the idea of) queue - 567 posts

#bastille - 127 posts

#send my regards to super hell - 110 posts

#video - 81 posts

#spn - 58 posts

#tiktok - 53 posts

#jill gets asks - 47 posts

#writing shit - 44 posts

#charlie barnes - 36 posts

#destiel - 35 posts

Longest Tag: 138 characters

#so when it went back to paper for a bit i’d just take entire plates of fruit and dessert with me when i left 🤷‍♀️ sometimes real food too

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

yes i’m totally normal about woody & his dad doing a lil pub gig with dan and charlie and proceeding to play teenage dirtbag together, during which dan comes up to the mic with his phone open to the lyrics and then proceeds to immediately leave his microphone and go share with charlie instead for literally no reason. i’m fine <3 just . look at this shit

53 notes - Posted April 17, 2022

#4

ok but i am CRYING at this headline

57 notes - Posted January 6, 2022

#3

this was too long for twitter but honestly i was pleasantly surprised about the publicity for heartstopper because i expected everyone on twitter to be like "wELL if every single actor doesn't immediately come out to everyone then how do we KNOW all the queer characters are actually being played by queer actors hmMM??" bc yknow. the internet is just Like That 🙃

and heartstopper's response (bc they almost certainly anticipated this) was literally just like "we have a queer cast, trust us, and not a single person in the cast owes you any more information than that. not to MENTION we go above and beyond to show you that this tv series was CREATED not only by an openly queer author who was given FULL control to write the entire screen adaptation of their own graphic novels, but also by a openly queer director who specifically made sure to hire as many queer workers as possible for every. other. department of the show. because yes, it's super important that queer actors play queer characters; but it's even MORE important that the representation extends FAR beyond the people you see on screen."

bc THAT IS HOW YOU HAVE GOOD REPRESENTATION. NOT forcing all of your actors to spend every single interview fielding questions about their own personal gender & sexual identities. good representation is making sure that―unlike the majority of films and tv shows, sadly―if you look beyond the main cast, the roles of director/producer/writer/photographer/makeup artist/crew member/etc are ACTUALLY fulfilled by a diverse group of talented people. true representation doesn't stop at the actors, or the portrayal of characters. it goes all the way up the ladder to everyone making the movie/tv show/etc happen in the first place. change can't happen long-term unless "older," well-established people in the industry (like euros lyn) use their position to create opportunities for fresh, new, young, diverse talent.

tldr heartstopper is a brilliant example of how to properly create a series both by and for the lgbtq+ community, and i was SO relieved to see all the publicity revolve around the story and the actors and the importance of representation WITHOUT requiring anybody who wasn't already out to clarify anything about themselves.

(ramble mostly inspired by this and sourced from this, if you haven't watched the video you 100% should !!! also ofc special shoutout to kit for taking absolutely no shit from twitter)

70 notes - Posted May 16, 2022

#2

me, busy screaming about bim & senab maybe going on the US tour with bas

meanwhile, bastille:

85 notes - Posted April 18, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

ok slight tour spoiler ahead but: during one segment he asked us to pick a noise and an influencer. someone said ‘boink’ and he was like ‘somehow that still sounds sexual’ and then we got to influencer and he was like ‘oh my god did someone say PHIL??’ so the sentence ended up being something about a secret society called the boink run by phil lester

and THEN he fucking says (something like) ‘joke’s on you, me and phil have been in boink together from the START!!!’ and. dan. my dude. YOU were the one who said boink sounded sexual do you not realize what that Sounds Like 💀

172 notes - Posted October 14, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[perennialkarmaofficial]

My name is Liminal, and welcome to my Space.

I'm an adult of 23 years of age, a non binary trans man, polyamorous, t4t gay, and alter(dimensional)sexual. I use he/him, they/them, and xe/xys pronouns. I have AuDHD, OCD, dermotillomania, and suffer from depression, anxiety, gender dysphoria, executive dysfunction, and intrusive thoughts. I'm happily taken by Eternity as of 06/01/2021.

I am a firm and prominent believer in the multiverse, I believe anything and everything that can be thought of, can happen. Even if not in the physical realm. I believe that the multiverse is far too vast to gatekeep what's real and not. On that note, I follow a very personal, and private "religious" and spiritual belief that My Creator is The Backrooms (it/its pronouns), which would explain my demigod status.

I very heavily fall under the alterhuman identity, with confirmed identities of a black coated wolf dominant caninefluid cladotherian, (eurasian) lynxhearted, (whitetail) deerhearted, and possibly parasaurolophushearted individual, as well as zum'ae, demigod, SwibbleDib, Moxxie, dormant (tfp) Megatron, and inactive (c! dsmp) Dreamkin.

You can expect to see reblogs of posts that pique my interest, I agree with, or feel needs to be shared. I also make informational posts such as, [importance of DNIs], rants such as [the wrongs in docking ears and tails of dogs], and random ramblings that come to mind.

You may check out my carrd to learn more about me, my DNI, and more through the link below:

>> https://pkofficial.carrd.co/ <<

[esmeriandreamer]

Ik heb in 2022 2.844 keer iets geplaatst

Dat zijn 671 berichten meer dan 2021!

23 berichten gemaakt (1%)

2.821 berichten gereblogd (99%)

Blogs die ik het meest heb gereblogd:

@pumpkin-padparadscha

@cfo-of-antifa

@thegoliathbeetle

@tooquirkytolose

@sun-dari

Ik heb 699 van mijn berichten getagd in 2022

#cute - 16 berichten

#hfw spoilers - 12 berichten

#cat - 12 berichten

#funny - 11 berichten

#hfw - 8 berichten

#actuallyautistic - 7 berichten

#dreamling - 6 berichten

#cool shit - 5 berichten

#hzd - 5 berichten

#stray game - 5 berichten

Longest Tag: 139 characters

#*holding my characters* you get autism and you get add and you get autism and you get autism and you get adhd and you get autism and you g-

Mijn populairste berichten in 2022:

#5

Me: *on the phone, shaking and holding back tears behind my mask of Adulthood* I'd like to know where my package is please, so I can return it. I no longer need it.

Customer service: Oh, no problem! It seems to be lost in transport, would you like to cancel your order?

Me: *still holding up the mask* Yes please, that would be good.

*after the call*

Me:

HOLY SHIT I NEED A NAP-

2 notities - Geplaatst 12 april 2022

#4

Me: I go by they/them, yet I don't really mind being called a woman, and I don't mind being called she/her in Dutch, as "hen/hun" (Dutch for they/them) doesn't fit me.

Official survey: *only gives me the choice of man or woman when asked for gender*

Me: ...

2 notities - Geplaatst 6 oktober 2022

#3

Marije reviews and rambles about the 2022 game "Stray"

Okay, okay, so seeing this game is now out of the "newly released game" phase in my head, I feel like I am allowed to ramble and kinda word vomit about this game's story. Spoilers for the whole game under the cut.

WOOO BOY I WENT INTO THIS GAME BLIND THINKING I'D JUST BE A CUTE KITTY IN A FUTURISTIC CITY- I DID NOT EXPECT TO BE EXPERIENCING ALL THESE EMOTIONS ;7;

So first things first, this game is beautifully made and I adored all it's mechanics. I was sort of spoiled by the teasers that the Zurks were bad, and that first chase scene got my heart pumping so hard??? I smirked so much when I got the weapon and when all those little pink fuckers died when the city opened.

But it was the story itself and how it was told that blew my mind away. Especially since it's something that could very well happen, in a way. And it's not just in the dialogue, but also in your surroundings.

The Companion robots in Stray missed their humans so much that they started to copy their behaviour, gave themselves souls, and became as 'human' as they possibly could. They play together, protect each other, tell stories, create art, and play music, because that's what humans did. That's what humans do. They took their empty city and carried on their "Soft Ones" legacy by using it how they would, living their lives, creating new generations, and hoping for a future.

To me, if these robots didn't have screens (or speakers, or any other object) for faces, they would've been practically identical to a human, maybe even too identical. It's a good creative choice, don't get me wrong. I just love it so much. They wear clothes. They have styles. They have names. Clementine has tattoos, words and pictures painted or stickered on her metal arms, hands and fingers.

They have relationships. They call one another parent, child, sibling, and friend. There are elders, children, and adults, with their passions and dreams. They have personalities, and emotions, they made their own language based on those of humans.

And then there is a little cat, walking through it all. A member of a species that quite literally domesticated itself. A little orange cat who domesticates over the course of this story, shows love to these robots, and helps them.

The relationship between the cat and B12 is just so beautiful too. It's a relationship of love in some of its purest forms. The love of friends, the love of family, the love for the world itself. B12's sacrifice may have opened the city, but the cat's love for the human inside the little drone got them there in the control room in the first place.

"Stray" is, to me, a story of undying hope. It's a story of holding on, of the unyielding force that screams back at an uncaring universe that it will try again.

It is, at the core of it all, a story about love. And my god is it beautiful.

3 notities - Geplaatst 7 september 2022

#2

The chickens when I come into their little stable to feed them and collect their eggs: THIEF!! THIEF!! >:O THE ONE WHO BRINGS FOOD TAKES OUR CHILDREN IN RETURN!!

The chickens when I throw one of their eggs that cracked onto the ground: REJOICE!! THE ONE WHO BRINGS FOOD HAS GIVEN US A DELICACY TO FEAST UPON!!

3 notities - Geplaatst 9 juni 2022

Mijn #1-bericht van 2022

Just saw someone call AO3 a "cp-website" and I'm gonna just-

Like I know every time the Archive has a fundraiser some people will crawl out of the woodworks and spout bullcrap, but geez-

If you don't like AO3, fine, that's your opinion. But don't call it a "cp-website", nor demonize people who donate to their fundraiser, from which a large part of the funds goes to KEEPING THE SERVERS AND HAVING PROPER LEGAL PROTECTION.

You know one of the main reasons why AO3 was created? Because in the "old days", if someone didn't like the fact that you, I dunno, wrote some wholesome gay fic online, they could report it and you might just lose your whole fic without warning, because think of the children, right? And to really put icing on the cake, your account might be deleted too. 🙃

Or, like I experienced, it won't just be one or three reports that get your fic taken down. Critics United for example was a group of these ~lovely~ people who would go on people's fics and suggest (harass) the author on how to change their fic to be "improved upon" (aka sanitize the fuck out of it so there is no trace of what they saw as gross/bad/wrong/cringe/sinful/etc.). If they didn't manage to harass you into deleting, they'd just mass report you.

I got literal death and rape threats for writing a Spamano version of Beauty and the Beast, told I was a criminal and that my parents should've killed me in my crib.

ALL OVER A STUPID LITTLE SELFINDULGENT FIC.

They even went so far as to track my username down from Fanfiction.net to Wattpad, and only once I got it on AO3 was the story able stay up because they had no way of harassing or reporting me like they could before, because I could easily turn my comments off to "registered users only" or even to "moderate comments." and that scared them off.

This was in 2016 by the way. Not even a decade ago. Now I could even block people if I want on AO3, so it gets harder to harass me, even if I did care.

But like yes, I agree on the fact that fics with cp are allowed on the site is rather gross. I would never write nor read it. But you know what helps with this?

AO3 HAS THIS TAGGING SYSTEM IN WHICH YOU CAN TAG AND FILTER OUT THE THINGS YOU DON'T LIKE, SUCH AS FICS WITH THE UNDERAGE WARNING :D

And guess what? It works great! I never have to see fics with cp in it, because I filter my fics. And even if I see that I accidentally clicked on a fic like that? I click out of the page and move the fuck on.

People on AO3 can and have written the most repulsive shit known to man, but more often than not, it's tagged with big warnings in the description. I have read cringy and horrifying fics that still made me nauseous to think back on, that have changed how I look at certain characters. And guess what?

THEY STILL DESERVE TO EXIST AND BE READ BY OTHERS.

Besides, there is a very fine line as to what some people define concepts like cp. Like I define it as minors being forced/manipulated into sexual situations, while others might look at an adult anime character who looks like a little kid and say that they shouldn't be sexualized. We are both correct in our own digital space there.

I don't like "shota/lolita" nsfw stuff, others do, and so I am just letting those people be and I avoid that content. Same with scat, or watersports, or cnc. Avoid, click away, goodbye. I don't demand that all "they look young but they're actually an adult!" types of media should be banned, nor that people who enjoy (reading about) sex with bodily fluids should be publically shamed, or that people who consentually enjoy the dark fantasty of being forced should be treated like an actual rapist.

And that's really what this is about. Don't like it, don't read/look at it. This whole "but they are allowing xyz and I don't like that!!" argument is basically becoming the same right-wing argument as "but I see xyz as wrong/bad/a sin and therefor nobody should be allowed to enjoy it."

If AO3 were to be forced to ban one thing, like people dealing with their childhood SA by writing a fic about it, who is to say they won't be forced to ban something like CNC next? What about kink? Queerness? Because that is the road a lot of right-wing people want you antis to take.

It's a main reason AO3 has fundraisers. For the servers to stay up. For legal support when a company claims fanfic is bad. For times that those things might get more expensive to maintain.

And because AO3 is of the few websites that allow everyone, especially queer people, to make art and have that art be protected from those that wish to destroy anything they do not like. And yes, that protection includes protecting work made by "bad" people.

So chill, skip over that fic you don't want to see, don't donate to or interact with AO3 if you don't want to, and maybe touch some grass? That would be great.

Rant over uwu

591 notities - Geplaatst 15 oktober 2022

Bekijk je jaaroverzicht van 2022 →

[qtti]

Oof! Genderfluid ass dilemma, I wanna have a long pretty hair with cute bangs but also wanna be a handsome king with classy clothes

I so badly wanna dress up looking like a handsome man. .?? I have been wearing more female oriented clothes for quite some time and I've developed a cute style with lots of dresses and skirts but I wanna... I wanna also go back to my teenage look when I was very masculine and handsome...?? Like, damn , I felt so good looking when I was more boyish

Let's see what happens... I guess I need some wigs... hard to have it all!

[demilypyro]

lengthy ramblings about my 2021

I’ll be honest, 2021 was a particularly rough year for me. Not for the obvious reasons, I didn’t catch Covid or end up in financial trouble, but as the year started I did lose a lot of the supportive relationships around me. My mental health had taken a bad turn near the end of last year and I struggled to keep it together through the quarantine loneliness and mounting stress of being a low-income content creator subject to public scrutiny. Years-long friendships ended, my longest-ever relationship broke apart, and I found myself alone and psychologically unable to put my trust in people in a more extreme way than ever. I eventually started having regular panic attacks and ended up seeking professional help. I got drugs for the panic attacks, but I’m still waiting on therapy for the underlying issues. Waiting lists on that are real long right now, not really surprising.

As the months passed I slowly managed to put myself back together, with the regular victories and setbacks one might expect. I’m still a stress volcano of anxiety, but my general outlook and level of self-respect are a lot better now. I’ve come to realize that a lot of those relationships I had were... not really healthy, and that working to change as a person was always gonna jeopardize them. I’m trying to connect with people in a healthier way now, and just not connect at all with others. I’ve decided to be less desperate not to lose people, since that was exactly what caused me a lot of strife. I still need to fix my various personality flaws, but I might have more success with that now that I’m with some people who understand them.

On the topic of change, obviously my hormone therapy continued, and I have to say the results have been staggering, no complaints there. My family seems to have completely accepted my gender identity, and I’m quite fond of the way my body and presentation are developing. I’m considering the possibility of getting out there and dating new people in the new year, though obviously I’ll have to wait for quarantine regulations to relax first. Also, no segue, but I picked up drums earlier this year. I’m not very good yet, but that’s exactly because I’m trying to be casual with it, not stress myself out about improving which has gotten me to quit so many hobbies before.

I’m entering 2022 in a weird spot. A lot of stuff is pretty bad, some stuff is better than ever. I still can’t afford to move out of my dad’s house, I’d really like to get there this coming year, though I’ll need to start earning a lot more money for that with how the Dutch housing market is. I’ve definitively dropped out of college now, up to a few months ago I was still “taking a hiatus for mental health reasons” but have now made it clear to all involved that with Covid still being so huge and me finally earning decent money on Twitch, that I don’t intend to return in the near future, and just want to focus on streaming, so that’s something. I became a Twitch partner near the end of this year so I have to take that as a sign that I have a future in this job and should just give it my all... or, yknow, I’ll become destitute. Whatever happens happens.

I dunno. Life goes on.

[gladiatortale]

Happy Two Year Anniversary to the Haikyuu final chapter! 🎉🎉🎉

Feb.20.2012 - July.20.2020

I expected to be sad and empty in the wake of Haikyuu, but it turns out that all I can feel is gratitude. I could try for a year and not be able to express everything I feel about this series. Thank you, Furudate-sensei, for 8 and a half years of hard work; thank you for letting us meet these characters; and thank you for showing us all that volleyball is fun.

[image is a drawing of two versions of hinata, in profile and facing away from each other; to the left, 15-year-old hinata sits hunched and defeated in the aftermath of being pulled out of karasuno’s last match at nationals. to the right, 25-year-old hinata strides confidently forward in japan’s national uniform. above, text reads: “today, you are the defeated. what will you become tomorrow?” to the left, and “yesterday, you were the defeated. what will you become today?” to the right.]

[hjeojeo]

I was reading some of my old personal journal-esque rambles i’ve written in past and now i feel like

yeah i’ll pick that up again >:)

but god yeah i dont really remember where i last left off so i wont try to pick up where i left off, I’ll just try to like i guess

put a starting point, starting with this one so that i know what i’m just adding onto as i write more journal posts in future

I’m really glad to be using tumblr again cause

wow so many significant changes in my life and growth happened here

first of all I got together with jude cause of tumblr, uhhh...almost 9 years ago!

i went through 2 additional polyam relationships on tumblr

(2015 - 2017 with manie 2020-2022 with beth/venti)

i ran away from my abusive family while on tumblr ...that was probably the biggest one

(it was in 2014)

i learned more about my gender identity and sexuality while on tumblr

OH!!

that’s a big one to talk more about

so i’m planning on making some big steps towards transitioning this year

i first wanna take care of a upcoming surgery for our cat, and then have more brain space to tackle the entire transitioning process like find a gender therapist first to be able to get on hrt

but yeah I”m really looking forward to it and trying to not get too impatient with myself : )

i think a lot of my old journal posts were centered around my mental health and the understandings and growth i would go through

so i think a really important one from recent (by recent i mean either anywhere from few months back to a year ago..my sense of time is p bad) is finally understanding how saving face doesn’t truly protect me. growing up i was heavily conditioned to always save face as if that’s what would protect me as an immigrant, a poc, and as an afab ueer/trans person.

but thanks to long talks with jude, i was able to just like...kinda look at how my life had been and reailzed. it never protected me. it just kinda had hurt me more to have so many layers of not trusting people. but more importantly not trusting myself. cause saving face for me was out of not trusting myself to put my foot down, to say no, to enforce my boundaries, instead i’d manipulate and lie out of uncomfortable situations and feared confrontation the most.

so being able to grow out of that bit by bit has done wonders to my mental health. being able to trust yerself really is just priority when it comes to mental health, imo.

ah lets see

another thing that’s been amazing is

i found out that i have adhd, and iw as able to get on adderall june 2021, and my gosh. my life really turned upside down. being able to be on top of my work made room for more personal enrichment and passions and.

i am so grateful to jude’s and my primary-care-physician for it. rest in peace, clarke, words cant describe what you did for me.

oof okay before i tear up about that.

i’ll wrap up this really like disjointed rambles with one last thing,

nowadays i spend a lot of my time watching my friends stream while i work, or streaming myself, and also part of a new ttrpg campaign and i’ve been so invested in that ; __;

there is so many wonderful stuff being built up in jude’s and my life and i couldn’t be more thankful.

and maybe in future too i might ramble about another wonderful update ;O regarding another polyamorous relationship i approached a long time friend about haha, but i wanna make sure she has the space and privacy to not feel rushed so, im gonna be very reserved about talking about that for now <3

WAIT NO ONE LAST LAST UPDATE

JUDE AND I WATCHED “EVERYTHING EVERYWHERE ALL AT ONCE”

AND WHOOOOOOO god we loved it so much.

definitely my favorite movie of all time now...

i am itching to go watch it again...and when it coems out on bluray cannot wait to get that too...; __ ;