#2020-22 all felt like one really long year

[mintysneezes]

I can’t believe we’re in the mid 2020s now

[futfemfantasies]

Prompt List:

Hey everyone! 

I have some ideas and who they are for but I want to see which ones you all want. If you want to suggest anyone else or make a change to the prompt, I’m happy for that! Or even if you have a prompt not on the list, send it through :)

Request the number and player and I’ll write it as soon as I can :)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

1. “I see us in front of an altar one day”  Lucy Bronze

2. Y/N dedicates a song to _______ at her concert after just coming out  Sam Kerr

3. Asking for permission to kiss Alex Morgan

4. Casual intimacy - baths, washing each others hair, soft kisses Leah Williamson

5. Prohibited kisses - hands in hair and others on waist, lower bodies pressing into each other Patri Guijarro

6. “Can you repeat that? My brain hasn’t woken up yet”

7. “They’re just a friend, I swear”

8. “You’re my best friend! We shouldn’t, I shouldn’t be feeling like this. Fuck!” Alanna Kennedy

9. “Come to bed”

10. “Go home _____” “I’m already home”

11. Flower crown making on a picnic date Christen Press

12. World Cup proposal. Reader plays for England or USA and is dating _____ Sam Kerr

13. “I didn’t know who to call” Reader gets broken up with and seeks comfort in _______

14. Reader not healing from her mother’s death (Christen Press’ younger sister). ________

15. Barcelona team go to a Chinese restaurant and readers fortune cookie reads ‘Don’t let the one good thing in your life slip away’. _______ reads ‘your true love is around you’. At the hotel, reader and ______ link pinkies behind the group and share a kiss when they wait for a new elevator since the team filled them all up.

16. Reader joined Barca in 2017 and grew close to ________. Ended up being together for lockdown. Reader goes to Australia for national team camp and gets teased by Sam, Macca, Caitlin and Steph etc. Reader and ______ talk about coming out / what photos to use. _____ posts first then reader follows. Teasing by the team starts again after photos are posted. Mapi Leon

17. Reader is injured and she knows __________ wants to surf when she’s home so she re-waxes her surfboard as a surprise

18. Reader is quarantining with _________ when Australia wins the World Cup in 2020. It’s early in the morning and reader yells and screams, waking up ______.

19. Reader is going on a ‘date’ but knows _______ is in love with them. ________ helps pick out an outfit for the ‘date’ but reader wears it on their first date.

20. Alex Morgan little sister (5 years younger) - dating ________. Alex finds you two making out after a national team friendly - USA vs _________. Alex ‘threatens’ _________.

21. Reader singing One Less Lonely Girl to _________ on the bus on a long trip from a game to announce their relationship. Lucy Bronze

22. _________ surprising reader (Leah’s older sister) at Arsenal. Reader scores in the 90+5 minute, sending Arsenal to the Champions league final.

23. I Wish - One direction (sad fic) Leah Williamson

24. All Of The Girls You’ve Loved Before - Taylor Swift (reader dedicates this to __________ at their concert) - reader’s first time saying they’ve fallen for _______. 

25. Reader cooking for _______ for the first time and it’s really good.

26. “I could kiss you right now” “You’re very welcome to do it”  Reader scores an important goal in an important game.

27. “I haven’t felt like this in a long time and I’m scared”

28. “I think you’re parents may like me even more than you”  _________ meets readers parents for the first time due to covid.

29. “I didn’t want to tell you like this, but I have no choice”

30. “I miss you” “It’s just temporary” 

31. “They all reminded me of different parts of you so I got one of each” Reader can’t decide on one type of flower so the florist makes a bouquet with all different flowers from around the shop.

32. “Was that your way of asking me to marry you?” Reader is a singer and writes ‘That Part by Lauren Spencer Smith’.  Leah Williamson // Millie Bright

[a-silent-symphony]

Nightwish: “The whole theme of the album is time, history, humanism, mortality. It’s really optimistic”

Tuomas Holopainen gives us the lowdown on everything you need to know about the hopeful new Nightwish album, Yesterwynde…

In the four years since their last album, Finnish symphonic metal titans Nightwish have been through much change, challenge and uncertainty. And that's without the pandemic kicking the legs out from underneath a year's worth of touring plans for 2020's HVMAN. :||: NATVRE a month after it came out.

First, in December of that year, longtime bassist and vocalist Marko Hietala announced that he was leaving the band. In October 2022, singer Floor Jansen revealed that she had been diagnosed with breast cancer, and successfully underwent surgery.

Then last year, they dropped a worrying newsbomb, announcing that upon completion of their then-current touring duties – which had included a mammoth show at Wembley – they weren't going to be booking any more gigs for an unspecified period of time. Including, they confirmed, even when a new album came.

“After the planned shows for June 2023 we will be ‘hanging up our spurs’ for an indeterminate time, as far as live concert performances go, and won’t be touring the next album," they wrote in a statement. “The reasons for this decision are personal, but, we all agree, vital to the wellbeing and future of the band. Be assured that we still love working together, and this decision has nothing to do with Floor’s pregnancy or our other individual projects."

They did, however promise new music. True to their word, they've just announced that in September they'll release their 10th album, Yesterwynde. A record immediately more heavy than its predecessor, it's also one that sounds refreshed, vital, optimistic.

"Yes, that's definitely a word you could use for it," says keyboardist and composer Tuomas Holopainen when we catch up with him in Berlin to get the skinny. "The whole theme of the album is time, history, humanism, mortality. And it has a really optimistic vibe going through it all."

The first track, Perfume Of The Timeless, arrives on May 21. Ahead of all that, we sat down with Tuomas to get the first look at Nightwish's next chapter…

You’ve been working on the album for ages. When did you start, exactly? “I started writing it in January 2021. It was the second year of pandemic. I wasn't supposed to start writing songs for this album yet, but there was nothing else to do because of COVID, so I thought I might as well use the time for it. So I used all of 2021 to do that. Then in early ’22, we did a demo with just me and the engineer, and had a listen to the demo with the whole band for the first time in May ’22, during our American tour. It’s always a really exciting moment to present the new songs to the band. And terrifying, to be honest!

“Then we started recording it last August, and it took a few months to record. And after that, four and a half months of mixing, and a few mastering sessions. And now here we are. And we're still working with the atmos mixes – there's going to be an atmospheric mix of the album and the orchestral version of the album.”

That’s not long after HVMAN. :||: NATVRE came out. Were you doing it with the hard intention of writing a full album, or were you just initially doing something just to pass time? “For some reason, I just felt really inspired. I felt like it was the perfect time to do another Nightwish album. And, like I said, there was nothing else to do. The previous album, HVMAN. :||: NATVRE was released in April 2020, about a month after the COVID lockdowns started, so tough luck there! It was frustrating, but as always, you have to try to look at the bright side of things. I thought, ‘Okay, maybe this album, now people can listen to it in peace. They have nothing else to do, either. Maybe it brings them some hope and comfort during the dark times.’ So you always have to turn things an optimistic way.”

This is a lot more of a metal album than the last one. Was that a conscious thing? “That just happened. We never, ever think about this stuff in advance, like, ‘Let's make a heavier album.’ It's just the stories need to be told in a certain way. And this time, they needed to be told in this way. And it's really interesting that you should say that, because there were two journalists yesterday who said, ‘I was expecting something much more metal. This is a really mellow album.’ Really? Okay, I don't hear it that way. But it's all in the listener’s ear, I guess.”

The first single, Perfume Of The Timeless, is nearly 10 minutes long. Not exactly easing people in, are you? “No! But, when we had the first meeting with Nuclear Blast, talking about the new album and singles, I told them, the first single will be a song called Perfume Of The Timeless, and it's eight-and-a-half minutes long, and the chorus comes in at 3:30. And they were like, ‘Perfect!’ I think that has to do with the fact that we have a long legacy. You know, we can do whatever we want, and I do, but it says something that we can do that, when I heard that for Spotify it’s good to have the vocals start after 15 seconds, or people skip it, they don’t have the attention span anymore.”

What does the title, Yesterwynde, mean? “It’s a made-up word. There's this thing called The Dictionary Of Obscure Sorrows. It gave me the idea that if you don't have an English word to describe a certain emotion, you can just make your own. This particular dictionary is dedicated to that, like, the feeling of longing for a place that you have never been in. What is that feeling? And it was something weird, I can remember. And this album was born from a certain sensation that I felt really strongly, but I couldn't find a word in human language to describe it. So I started to talk with Troy [Donockley, multi-instrumentalist] and said, ‘Should we come up with a new word? Does that make any sense to you?’ And he's like, ‘Yeah, that's a brilliant idea. What did you have in mind?’ It was something like time, memories going black and white, sepia, and I said, ‘something yesterday’. Then he said, ‘How about Yesterwynde?’ That's perfect! But yeah, it's just a made up word to describe what the album is about."

A sense of longing? "Not so much longing as realising what time is all about. Realising that there is such a thing as time and past and history. The internet and YouTube is full of these old black-and-white images, and even video clips, that you first see in black-and-white, and then they have been coloured. Have you seen those? That's the effect that I get at the moment. It's like it's coming from an other dimension, these are black-and-white images, then you colour it, and it's right there, as if it was filmed yesterday. Something happens in my mind when I see those. I thought, 'This has to be put into a song or into an album somehow.' Suddenly, you feel so connected to the past generations, and those people that you see in those images. They've all had their lives, their ups and downs, and they don't exist anymore, except as atoms scattered all over the universe. And we're going to be in that state pretty soon as well. So that should give you something to think about."

Are you just worried about getting older? "Not at all – on the contrary (laughs). But they are the ultimate cliche of: seize the day. That's something that I think about more and more. We're all going to be dead soon. It's just a matter of what you're gonna do before that."

That's a very positive outlook. You can hear that in the record. There's an enthusiasm, rather than a sense of bleakness or defeat… "Yes! Spot on! People often ask, 'Where do you get the inspiration?' Well, just look at this world, look at everything's that happening. Look at the sky, the scientific innovations. History is so full of stories that are just a bottomless pit of inspiration. And also, especially these days, there's a lot of fear mongering going on, like end-of-the-world scenarios, which I find, let's say 'distressing', but also a bit annoying, because humankind has ceased to see the good that we have accomplished as well. There is no denying that the world is going through a horrible stage at the moment. But it's always been like that. If you go back to the Middle Ages, things were much worse. Throughout the human history, it's always been like this. But now because of fear mongering, and the media, and the authorities, whether political or religious, telling us that it's all coming to an end, we have to repent. And a lot of people buy into it, and they live miserable lives. Because of that, they forget the beauty of existence. It's an unbelievable stroke of luck, and a privilege, that we are actually alive. So you might as well enjoy it."

There's a song called The Antikythera Mechanism, which is the name of an ancient Greek device used for astronomy. You don't get many bands writing about that… "Yeah, it's considered today to be the first analogue computer made by mankind. So, imagine that 2,200 years ago, in ancient Greece, they were able to build a computer. It just blew my mind when I read about this machine in a science magazine, and I thought that the world needs to know about this. Well, now everybody knows because of the new Indiana Jones film, because that's also about this particular mechanism. But yeah, it had to be done into a song.

"I was just thinking that humankind was so advanced back in those days that were able to build a machine like this. What happened? What if religions hadn't happened, or the burning of The Library Of Alexandria hadn't happened, where would mankind be today? Maybe we would be living all across the solar system already. Who knows?"

Again, it feels like there's still a very positive outlook there in the music, rather than moaning that it's all gone wrong. "I think it comes down to the word 'imagination', which is the biggest strength that we have as human species, compared to the other lower species. We like to imagine things, imagine things that might be better on the other side of the fence and things we will never have. But also imagination takes us to huge innovations. So it's a really good thing.

"The ancient Greeks did that with their computer. They started to imagine, 'Is there a way to predict those solar eclipses or star constellations moving? I bet there is, let's start building this machine.' So it all started from the imagining. It's similar with creating any art or music. Could there be a way to tell a story through music? I do that a lot. There's a song on the album called The Children Of 'Ata, which is a wonderful story of these kids on a deserted island and surviving there for 15 months. I heard the story and thought, 'There has to be a way to put this into music.'

"It's a crazy story, from not that long ago, 1965. I think some of the kids are still alive. It's important to tell these stories, because it really did happen. And maybe it can change the human perspective of the concept that if you take a bunch of people and put them into an isolated place for a certain period of time, they become savages. But this is proof that that's not the case. So they are a perfect example that humankind has hope."

This is your first album since Century Child in 2002 without Marko Hietala. Did that change your approach to writing? “No, it doesn’t really change anything, except that now we had two voices instead of three, only Floor and Troy. But that's it – it really didn't change much at all. And Jukka [Koskinen], the new bass player, is such a grounding personality that it's so easy to work with him. And his bass playing skills are tremendous, quite different from how Marko played the bass, which also brought a new spice into the music. So nothing but positive things to say about it all.

“There are many bands in the world that don't have a single original member anymore. And I think it comes down to the fact that if the music is good, then that's all that matters, in the end. Maybe for some people, certain bands are so holy that they can stand if they don't have certain members in it, even though the music would be good, but I don't really think like that. I just listen to the music, not the personnel behind it. That's all that matters to me.”

Similarly, does it feel weird to be talking about an album that, for the first time, you won’t be going out to tour? “No, it doesn't feel weird. It just feels right. But people shouldn't get worried. It's not the end of the band. We just signed a multi-record deal with Nuclear Blast, so there will be more music coming, definitely. But as far as shows, we're just gonna have a long breather now and see what happens. That's all I can say at the moment. We got our fair share in 2022 and 2023 when we did a lot of shows. So that helped.”

Yesterwynde will be released on September 20 via Nuclear Blast

[send-up-my-heart-to-you]

in honor of world mental health day heres my story below the cut :)

kinda hard to talk abt this cause its somewhat triggering and ik theres gonna be ppl who think im just an emo 15 y/o, but i swear im not tryna be dramatic. im tryna make peace with my past, and also show others that despite everything, you can make it.

also, im tryna show that healing isnt all sunshine and daises. theres the good, the bad, and the ugly. you can and will survive it all

tw: sewerslide attempt, abusive parents, self harm, violence ig ?

ive died two times in my life so far.

the first time, it was my parents who killed me. december 31st, 2020, ~1.15am. i remember dragging across the hallway in my house, a throbbing sensation in my thigh, the mark already turning purple. i walked past my younger sisters' room, where my cousin was sleeping over with them, and i remember climbing into bed, hugging my pillow, crying against the pillow. that night, it was my innocence that died. my childhood happiness, per se. i remember swearing to myself in those final moments before darkness that id never forget that day. december 31st, 2020, ~1.15am.

the time between my two deaths was filled with barely anything other than self loathing. i remember trying to set goals for myself, reasons to live. i tried out new hobbies. i was never able to meet those goals, and all the hobbies bored me.

i met some of the best people ever during that time. i also met some of the worst. i might sound dramatic, cause im young and impressionable, but the people i met during that time genuinely shaped who i am. i dont wanna act like im an old soul or anything, cause im sure that in a few years imma look back and think, "shit, i was really immature." but i matured faster than others my age. i found myself faster, found things i liked, found love, found out i hated being in love.

and then i died again.

this was a recent death. june 22, 2023. my mental health had been deteriorating for months prior – i still have scars on my arms.

it was a slower death compared to the last one. i started dying at around 4.00pm. it went on for an hour before the pain became unbearable and i confessed to my parents. i didnt want to go to the hospital, i was scared of what theyd do. i threw up seven times before giving in at about 8.00pm. they took me to the hospital. i was told told me i was lucky to be alive, that my liver was still functional. i didnt feel lucky. i felt like death wouldve been less painful. my head was spinning

i died in that hospital bed, at ~9.40pm, with my eyes wide open, my mom sitting near me. my thoughts at the time were along the lines of this:

im quite literally a child in the eyes of the world. ive done nothing. i have a psychology exam tomorrow. i have a book im halfway done writing, and a new story thats been brewing in my head for months. but if i die now, ill never get to finish any of that. ill never succeed. ill never be able to spit in the faces of the girls who bullied me, of the teachers who doubted me. why would i do this to myself? why would i rob myself of that chance?

so i died. but not the same way as last time. this time, it was the poisonous me that died, the me that whispered in my ear that my life would amount to nothing, that everyone else had it better, that you either succeed or you dont.

and when i died the second time, something happened that didnt happen the first time.

i was reborn.

at the time of me writing this, its been less than four months since my rebirth. in those four months:

i decided to change the world somehow. not necessarily by finding the cure to cancer or anything, id be satisfied if it was just a cute lil video i made going viral. as long as theres someone out there who i changed

i finished about six chapters of my book

i began writing the story that had been brewing in my head

i started lifting weights to make myself feel better abt how i looked

i got closer to god. stopped missing prayer

i moved schools, leaving behind both bullies and friends

i started focusing on my studies

i tried to fix my relationships with my parents and my siblings

dont get me wrong. none of these are completed. im still an extreme case of nobody-ness. i havent finished writing either of my stories. i still skip out on working out a lot i still only do the bare minimum in terms of religion. im still struggling to catch up in school to make up for my three years of burnout. my relationship with my family is still kinda weird

and i still feel like im dying sometimes. its not like i changed overnight and all those suicidal thoughts and feelings of drowning just disappeared when the sunrays came up. theres still a lot of issues in my life.

but i have faith in myself. in my ability to change the things that can be changed. in creating happiness where theres room for it to be made.

and if finding happiness a losing battle?

well, ill fight like its the fucking boudican revolt.

[megidoreyn]

Heyyy it's about the art questions

I would like to know your answer in 18 (the purpose) and 22 (artspiration).

I would also ask 3 but I'd completely understand if you prefer not to answer

The rest are already answered

Hope you have a great month. ;D

Hey there! Thanks for the questions!

⭐️3. Show us your oldest piece of art you have on hand

→ It was a real trip down memory lane to look back on some of these, but here's a sample of some old things from 2021-early 2022! (Prior to posting on social media in Aug 2022) Back then, I didn't have any real incentive to improve my art outside of drawing quick sketches like the pictures above. I had issues being cleanly (due to lack of motivation), committing to learning character details, and more LOL. →Fun fact, I drew on a very tiny 11 inch screen 4GB RAM laptop with horrible color calibration for about 3 years until finally getting something better in early 2022 too LOL. It might be noticeable in some of the above pictures with the color choices being a little too light or too saturated, LOL.

→As also seen at the bottom of this post, It might come as a surprise that I also draw fanart for my favorite assorted fandoms outside of megaten too, LOL. I just never post it in public since they're meant as warm-up doodles!

To be honest, 2020 thru late 2022 was a very low point in my life. I had given up on all creative endeavors at the time due to: My career, being diagnosed with a bodily issue of which the effects I still deal with even today, and other personal issues.

It truly wasn't until late 2022 (when I started posting online) that I truly felt confident picking up my tablet pen again and view art in a more positive light…!

NGL I had written out my entire life story here but ended up deleting it--it would have made this post terribly long regardless LOL💦 Perhaps it'll be a story for another time, though!!🙏 And it absolutely has to do with why the Samurai husbands mean lot to me!

⭐️18. What is your purpose for drawing?

→ That's a good question! For me, (especially due to my visual agnosia) it'd have to be the ability to draw whatever comes to mind with skill and precision. To not hold back and draw whatever comes into your mind's eye without fear or hesitation from others (or your own critical inner voice)… And to be able to properly convey the meaningful themes of your work as clearly as they come into your mind... That, to me, is true freedom.

➡️As for BL content: Despite not posting much of it in public (yet), my purpose in drawing BL (or OTP content in general) is to transmit feelings of love + warmth in my art! To depict tenderness, warmth, and love with affectionate, natural-looking body language to make it as believable + realistic as possible...That's always been my goal! →The world is a scary place out there. Though, if my OTP content can make someone feel a slight glimmer of peace, tranquility, or even hope to keep moving forward...then I'll be incredibly happy!🙏💕 It's always my intention to convey nothing but sweet wholesome vibes and warmth with my pictures, and I truly hope that feeling comes across too. ➡️I'll be super candid and say I actually really enjoy angst and raunchy content as much as everyone else! But drawing wholesome + sweet characters in love just comes much sooo much easier and naturally as breathing to me, LOL. Just because I don't post angst or raunchy things, doesn't mean I dislike it! ☝️

⭐️22. List at least one of your “artspirations.”

→ I tend to gravitate towards professional artists with thick painting (厚塗り) coloring styles, dynamic illustrations, and artists that have a strong grasp of anatomy, character design and storytelling! It's hard to pick just one, so here's a brief selection of ones that come up at the top of my head right now!

Thanks again for the questions! Have a wonderful January and rest of your 2024 as well!✨🌟

[esta-elavaris]

22, 24, 28 please <3

22. do you ever worry about public reaction to what you’re writing? how do you get past that?

Oh, all of the time. I used to have panic attacks over CTW, and even now I still think every time I post a chapter that this will be the one that exposes me as an absolute hack and everybody will unfollow and unsub 💀 I don't think it goes away, I think it just get easier to act in spite of. I remember when I was at uni, I gave my novel writing teacher the first chapter of my novel (the one I'm still working on now lmao) and when I had a meeting with him a week later to get my feedback, I walked in already apologising for how bad it was.

He had to stop me, be like "Lucy please just read the feedback, here" as he handed me his notes, and the feedback was literally 99% praise, paired with one minor piece of criticism over a paragraph that I already knew wasn't great. It's just how I am. CTW was written years after that, and there are still times when I'm furiously justifying plot decisions because I was certain they'd be hated and I was defending myself against hate that didn't even end up sprouting up (the captaincy of the Dutchman was a big instance of that), we really are our own worst enemies a lot of the time.

I would highly recommend reading The War of Art by Steven Pressfield. But also, just get used to doing the thing in spite of that fear. It's definitely disproportionate considering I don't really write anything too controversial, but this is the internet and you do occasionally get people just looking for problems. The funny part being that when they sprout up, I usually just laugh at them - the thought of them cropping up is worse than when they actually do. I just struggle to respect the opinions of people who spend their time being shitty to artists online, not least because they NEVER have any of their own stuff posted.

The only way I'd be able to take non-constructive criticism seriously would be if it came from a respected mutual because I'd know it was coming from a well-meaning place, but my lovely mutuals would never be non-constructive in their criticism, so the point is moot.

24. how do you recharge when you’re not feeling creative?

So I write daily as a rule, and after around four months of that (which were challenging, I won't lie, back when I started in 2020), whether or not I "felt" creative stopped being a factor in that equation. The more you show up, the more your creativity does, it really is like a muscle. Some days are still better than others -- I did find this year that having other creative outlets helps a lot. I think about writing and plot decisions etc. so often while I'm crocheting, because it gets me into that same zone but without the added stress of staring at an empty word document, which can be very intimidating at times.

Reading also helps! Fic is great, ofc, but I really can't emphasise enough how good it is to read books, and cast a wide net for that reading material. Rn I'm doing three reading challenges, one that revolves around classics, another where you read a book from every single country in the world, and a third where it's all book recs from mutuals, on top of whatever I'm mood reading, and I always have at least one non-fiction book on the go, too. Some of those reads end up being absolute stinkers, but it's a necessary process.

28. your least favorite part of the writing process

Descriptions! Dialogue comes so quickly and so easily to me - so many of my drafts start out just looking like a script because I'll get all of the dialogue down and then I have to fill in the bits in the middle. I'm not great with metaphor, and I struggle to wedge in my descriptions in a way that feels natural and not shoehorned in.

When I read back old stuff, though, I don't think that struggle shows too much, which is nice.

I also hate edits, because if I spend too long doing that I'll end up not wanting to post the chapter, so I have to find a nice balance between proofreading and not giving myself a chance to freak myself out...which is how an embarrassing number of typos and mistakes slip through.

Thank you!! 💜

Ask game ✨

[dear-diary-mood-apathetic]

brb im fucking bawling

life story/rambling under cut

I've been doing a lot of thinking and reflecting lately. A lot of revisiting things Id have been much happier to leave in the past.

I always hated hearing how one day it would get better. Because I knew that it wouldnt be that easy. I knew I wouldnt just wake up one day and feel fine. And I think more than anything, I was scared that being okay meant losing the most integral part of my child/teen self: my rage.

I was an emotional kid growing up. I'd cry at everything and anything and all I ever wanted was for everyone to be happy. It was a burden I undertook personally at far too young of an age. Be it the eggshells I took my first steps on or the guilt I'd never let go of simply for the inconvenience of being born a baby. I saw things a child shouldnt have to see and handled emotions and situations far too grown up for a second grader. When I started to understand this, thats when I started to get angry.

I knew that the way I was treated wasnt okay, and by the time I would turn ten I'd gotten violent. I escaped into the comfort of horror media and would often find myself locked away in my dark bedroom on my phone for hours at a time scouring the corners of the internet for the next disturbing thing I could find. But I was just a kid. And that would send me down a multi-year psychotic episode that left me feeling isolated and terrified. And even more angry. I started getting into fights whenever the opportunity arose outside of the house. I wasnt even in middle school yet, but I was filled with blind, white hot rage already.

Once I made it to middle school though, some of the anger had festered into a chronic depression that felt like emotional rot. I developed a lot of awful habits and worsened a few Id picked up prior. I hurt a lot of people in my spiral downward and I still regret many of those things to this day. I was hurting and determined to make other people hurt too. But it only felt fair to me at the time; if I have to go home to my dads cruelty every single day, what did it matter who I hurt? They were supposed to feel bad for me.

It wouldn't be until about 2020 that things started to finally look up. I got my first job against my dads will, and this would be the decision that changed my entire life. I finally started to understand that I wasn't bound by my dads judgement. I met the people who would let me move into their apartment after a shitty roommate situation. And most importantly I met my boyfriend.

I went through a few relationships and there were a few roadblocks before it finally worked out for us to get together. Including my dads impulse choice to move himself, me, and my pregnant stepmother to South Carolina with no actual shelter built except a camper for them and a tent for me in July of '22. But after being friends for about a year and a half, we finally started dating in August. That November, he and one of our then mutual friends made an 8+ hour drive to pick me up on my eighteenth birthday. I turned 18 on November 6th and they started driving on the fifth. If it werent for them I'd still be stuck in South Carolina!

I really think I have my boyfriend to thank for who I am today. When we met I was sixteen and didnt plan on making it to eighteen. I dont think I wouldve without him. Hes been the most supportive and patient person as I've worked to heal a lot of wounds he didn't cause. Ive only been able to do the reflection and self help I needed because of him. I've been allowing myself to let go of the anger Ive defined myself with for so long and its scary. But I think Im going to like the gentler version of myself. The version he deserves.

Because for once in my life I feel like I'm safe. The eggshells are gone. A quiet house doesn't mean tension and a loud one no longer means violence. I can breathe and rest for the first time in a long time. I slept with an eye open for a while, but I think its finally safe to close them both.

[bsaka7]

☕️ the scattering to the winds of f1blr

you know, this is something i would think i would care about more than i do. it makes me sad that i don't interact as much with some of my mutuals just because we're not online at the same time bc we're not liveblogging races and our other interests don't align as well. i also miss like the people i used to talk 2 who r deactivated or just not online now :(((((. that being said. i do not miss some of the like. discourse??? frustrations??? with factions of the fandom that took up too much space in my mind if we're being real. now if i see a touch of it i'm just like. i don't really care. which is good! but i also found f1 one of the most creative fandoms i've ever interacted with and probably the first ever fandom i made mutuals and friends in (important skills lol!). i really, really enjoyed that kind of community energy even if it's all sapped out of me now, so i guess i miss that too.

it's kind of fun too, though, to learn different things about people i follow (well. lbr. i especially like to see @astronomical-light and @thelittlebirdthatkeptsomanywarm when they talk about hockey i enjoy it so much even tho obv it's different teams but it's also fun since i also know them in f1 obviously!! years now!! crazy!!) and to see glimpses of moto gp and rally and so on. and then of course scraps of what's going on in f1 bc it's not like i don't pay attention to the races it's just the obsession is gone.

on the most macro level, it sort of feels like an inevitability given the state of racing in some ways, and at least for me, f1 is such an individual-driven sport so like. if is the same for your guy week-in and week-out, there's only so long that's really interesting. it also seems like. the fandom got such a massive influx of fans in like, 2020-22? (probably still to now)? and that led to a really rapid explosion and then shift in fandom interests which you can see in analytics, but to me like. i sort of felt like i knew everyone in my corner when i got into blogging about f1 (summer 21. which. wtf. three years???) and by what i consider the end of being serious about it (early in the 23 season), i totally did not have that sense anymore LOL just because there were way more blogs and stuff, whether or not that's actually true or just representative of my. awareness of what was going on lolol. i feel like there's something i want to say here about maxiel/lestappen and then like. beyond that. the sort of mix of secondary ships (carlando on one level and then idk chalex galex fernanlance (?) pierresteban and now loscar landoscar and so on whatever) , and the shifts there that are obviously affected by what happens on-track. but i think that like. uhhh. decentralization? maybe? a more general turning-on-max after 21 and then ensuing incidents leading to (more of a division?) (the end of it with him for some fans?) (insert your theory here?). idk. i feel like there's a size->fandom dynamics/racing thing (bc i'd like to think it still does go back to the sport)->splinter dynamic going on here but i can't like. articulate it super well LOL sorry. then again i'm a person who personally rarely keeps an interest in an INTENSE way for more than like...1-3yrs so. maybe it's just that.

okay i'm going to go make my dinner now. FOR REAL. oh wait someone else is using the kitchen (i forgot what it was like to have roomies who weren't MY MOM!) .but soon.

[mimiwrites2000]

For the AruAni writers questions:

1, 3, 4, 14!

MOON THANKS FOR THE ASK

Ok let’s start

1- share your favorite part of your latest fic

Well, my latest fic is Legends, and its latest chapter is 22

Here’s my favorite part of this chapter:

The chandelier’s crystals meandered between stairs’ white stonted rails, threateningly pointing down, accompanied with translucent, thin selenders of glass that softly clacked against each other with the softest breeze, playing a soft melody of charms, harmonizing with the contrasted fireworks going off in the distance. The fireworks exploded in the sky, their light reflected wobbling charades on the carpet, sparks of silver and gold emitting from the chandelier in various, spontaneous directions, like fairies in the books Armin’s grandfather used to read for him.

Armin watched it all.

“Can you walk?” He asked Annie, in a soft voice, careful to not disturb the lights.

“I can walk, I am walking,” She answered him, judging him with half lidded eyes. Her arm around Armin’s shoulders and her knees bent with drunkenness as she dragged herself beside Armin, or more like Armin dragging her beside himself.

He eyed the stairs, and then eyed Annie.

“I’m sorry,” he said as he bent, putting his arm behind her knees, lifting her up. She gasped, her arm around his shoulders tightened, the other arm wrapping around his neck. “I am really sorry,” he apologized again, because he held her without her permission, even though that was the only solution at that time. He made sure his hand didn’t touch her, her dress a barrier between his fingers and her skin.

He ascended the stairs, one step at a time. He held her close to his chest, making sure her weight was secured in his arms, and a spark of happiness filled his heart as her body felt healthier, remembering the first time he ever held her, at the harbor, exactly three years prior, after years of being suspended in air, engulfed within a cold crystal.

That day at the harbor he lost her but a miracle, a Legend, paved his way to her and he found her, that day they were given a second, wasted chance.

That day, he held her out of the war's rubble, in the middle of fire and thunder, her body limping against him as he carried her to safety.

That day, he learnt about a Legend, and today, another Legend unfolded itself.

None of these Legends would have happened without them, without him, without her ; she was behind it all, an irreplaceable component in that concoction.

Because they were those Legends, and those Legends were them.

They were created to be a Legend.

The striking memory made reminiscing feelings crawl on his back with hundreds of pointy, sharp edges, reaching his fingers and numbing them, so he held her even closer to his chest. He miraculously saved her that day, maybe that wouldn’t happen today, maybe it would never ever happen, but for that moment, while the world outside was launching celebratory colorful fires in the midnight sky, celebrating their deaths, he chose this moment of peace, on carpeted stairs, at a foreign hotel.

3- If you look back at your first fic compared to your last, what’s changed?

MANY THINGS, my writing style changed so much, my English got stronger as well (it’s my second language) and overall the way I write Armin and Annie changed, I feel like I never really wrote Annie correctly until recently, I don’t think I understood her enough.

4-Fanfic authors can be harsh on themselves, espically with older works, share three things you like about your first fic.

So my first fic is called Blue, but on Ao3 it’s called Kiss, (don’t ask, I have no idea how that happened either)

I wrote it in 2019, and posted it during Armin week in January 2020

This is the first time I even look back at it during these three years, and honestly it’s so hard to read something I’ve written so long ago.

I like how excited I was about it, how excited I was to share a story I wrote with people, I like how I wrote it with excitement about these characters, and I like how I always had my own way of describing feelings, which I still do until this day.

You can find it here on AO3, and here on TUMBLR

13- Do you use symbolism when writing fics? Tell us about it!

OH YEAH I DO, I add so much symbolism and descriptions and everything, especially with Legends, I basically poured every symbolism I have into this one story

I just enjoy it, SO MUCH

[whoregaylorenzo]

so there's a new beyond the grid with Daniel, recorded 5 days after Abu Dhabi 22, and here are some of my fav/imo most important parts! (gonna get long so I'll put it under a cut)

he needs to take a break from 'the highs and the lows', wants to find a balance in his life, and life outside the race car has actually been really fun and enjoyable this year

he chose the third driver role because he wants to take a step back from the competition, still be involved in some way, but not as someone who's just always hanging out in the back of the garage, wants to be more removed

he wants to get in the red bull sim also for himself, because he was always comfortable in the red bull and he wants to see if he could still be up there in a car that he's comfortable with (he's talking like he's not completely sure he wants to get back on the grid, and that is sth that will help him decide)

he says there is no regrets about his moves, but especially the renault move he thinks of as a good one. he is especially proud of the 2020 season, and of bringing the team back on the podium. he sees that as one of the best seasons he drove in formula 1. he looks at the mclaren move as more of a lesson learned. he took on a challenge and it just didn't work out

he says there wasn't really any moment in the mclaren car in both years that he felt comfortable and like he fully knows how the car behaves, so ultimately he could never have that confidence that was needed to go to the limit

he says testing doesn't really excite him (when asked if he wants to try the 2021 red bull), but he'd do it to keep his body in tune with the feel of driving over this year

to the question 'do you think max had the easiest season this year': he says in one sense yes bc 'winning is easy' in that life is easy when ur winning, but it's not 'easy' in terms of still showing up, then he brings up lewis (unprompted) and says his dominance wasn't actually easy bc you still deal with that pressure of expectations and you still have to show up and do the work

he chose to not step away completely because there is still fire but it's 'dormant' and he wants to see if it stays that way or comes back stronger

he says as the season progressed, it became clear to him that he just didn't want to compete next year, no matter what team. he acknowledges that it does feel like a bit of a burnout.

(talking about 2018 talks with mercedes) he would've enjoyed going up against lewis, not because he thought he could beat him, but out of curiosity how he would actually do against him, and to maybe see how lewis was just so good

asked if he'd put lando on the level of max & seb, he says he can't really say until he wins and competes at a top team to see if he can handle the pressure, here he brings up lewis AGAIN unprompted, saying 'that's where I go back to lewis and it's like yeah he was winning and whatever and yeah the car was great but he still did it. he still handled all the pressure and all that and still did it and performed and did what everyone thought he could do."

what is he gonna do next year? party like there's no tomorrow.

there's some things he wants to do, and he wants to hold himself accountable and not make excuses not to do them, because if he does go back on the grid he doesn't know when he'll get to do them

wants to do some self reflection and to do that he'd like to do little trips, national parks, things to do with nature, do a phone detox, spend time on the farm

he wants to ride across america (ny to la) on a mini motorbike

the thought of the unknown excites him

he wants to go to the superbowl

he called rihanna a 'boss lady' lmao and said she's gonna kill the halftime show

he would consider doing a ufc battle against someone who is on his level, but he doesn't think he really has that fighter spirit

he didn't answer the question who on the grid he could take in a fight :(((

he says the comraderie at the dinner for seb was special, better than in 2016, he didn't see the bill bc 'one of the drivers kindly took it', but it definitely wasn't that hugely expensive, he calls the food 'normal food' lol

he doesn't think there was any 'fake' behaviour, but there definitely was a sense of 'let's make this special for seb'

he admits he's an attention seeker, but he doesn't feel he missed out on a big send off, says if that was his last weekend in f1, he'd be fine with that, but he was glad seb was celebrated like that

he says he is matura enough now to think 'I don't need to dislike someone to race them hard on track' which wasn't the case when he was younger

he calls his relationship with seb now 'better than ever' and 'amazing' (yes I squealed okay I'm not ashamed to admit it)

the enchanté thing actually originated from banter between him and natalie pinkhams husband, he's known him for 10 years and they both like ufc and like to have drinks together and they'd like cheers eachother and introduce themselves using enchanté, basically just silly banter that kind of became a thing

he says his first race to attend next year will probably be melbourne, if not earlier, but he'll definitely be in melbourne

that's all from me <3

[seelifethroughmyeyesyear3099]

tell us what happy moment shaped who you are or gave you strength in difficult times.

I remember I was the light of a lot of people's lives. I got told daily that I was like sunshine. Crazy unpredictable but cared about everyone more than myself. I remember thinking about the world we live in and how a lot of people bring you down or get angry at you for nothing (The man that gets mad about his order in the drive thru that takes too long or the old lady yelling at you about not taking her expired coupons) they're not mad at you. They're mad at themselves. I wanted to do the exact opposite I wanted to make everyone's life for the better and bring them up to be their best selves. I started taking nothing to heart and thinking about them. They are probably never going to see me again. Before I wore my heart on my wrist...that quickly changed. Three different life altering times in my life, I may only be only 22 but I feel like I've lived five lives.

I remember I bought a book of kindness every single day for a year; I made sure to do one of the pages of the book and if I ran out of pages I would look for a 30-day challenge of kindness. I didn't let anybody know but I even got five of my friends for our senior project to do it on humanity. We went down to the homeless shelter and passed out sandwiches that took us hours to make and talked to families. We asked how they got there and what they needed. I completed all those tasks and I understood how hard life can really be in a moment with the wrong people or having not having any support.

Another time I remember I was 15 and a half at the time and I'd barely gotten my license and an owner of a business wanted me to be the face in the front. (I was dating his son at the time and said business partner or dump my son) (I learned personal and business never mix) I left that company for more opportunities. Later on I became a driving instructor at 21 at the same company teaching 1,500 students how to drive in California, probably one of the most impactful things I've done in my life.

In between that job and going back I was a caregiver in 2020 when COVID hit, I was with a lot of elderly and most of them were in hospice only a week or two. I got to hear stories about their entire life, what they regretted, and got to be there even if their family wasn't there; I held their hand until their end of days. This went on for almost a year until my own father passed away in 2020. I couldn't handle anymore death after that.

Every stage of my life has been impactful, important, and beautiful even if I did not see it in that moment.

What gives me strength is knowing that I can be anything that I choose to be. People might think these are far-fetched dreams but they are not. I believe you are who you believe you are, but as long as your actions match up. That is who you are. All the things that I've done have led me to who I am and where I am and I'm pretty happy with that now. Of course there's always room for improvement, but I'm pretty happy.

Everything that you thought was going to break you down will actually build you up. It felt like my world died when my dad died and I felt like I lost myself. This was for 3 years and even though I was helping others, I wasn't helping myself out of the situation. Until I realize nobody's going to come and save me but myself. It is crazy how you can mentally be struggling for so long, your brain can still pull you mentally out of that. That takes a lot of support from others that are positive. You just have to rebuild yourself. Listen to podcasts and things that you want to be and start making daily habits of them until you become the person you want to be again.

[sunwarmed-ash]

For the fic writer asks: 18, 19, 22, 40, 41

Also I don't think I saw anything like this on the list so this one's straight from my brain: Do you have notes to help you keep track of what's happening in each of your WIPs, or are you just able to do that in your head (my memory fucking sucks - I could never)

Hope you're having a good day 😘 (at first I accidently typed "gay" instead of "day" and ya know what? I DO hope you're having a good gay day 😂)

Dude thank you so much for sending these, i fucking love talking about writing and fandom <3 it brings me so much joy

18. Do you title your fics before, during, or after the writing process? How do you come up with titles?

All three!! Titling is actually my favorite part. Usually, they come from song titles, lyrics, or references that I felt either really captured the theme of the characters or the plot. Or sometimes they are the inspiration!! Sometimes they are funny, catchy or sexy in ways I think will bring people in but mostly they are song titles/lyrics haha  Almost all of the angsty Harringrove fics I wrote (13+ i think now) are MGK songs haha 2020-2022 was my all MGK all the time period because he dropped two sick fucking albums in two years and helped me out of more spirals than I can count. 

19. What is the most-used tag on your ao3?

Oh shit idk can I check that? Let me go look… Alright im too high to do that and google wasn't helpful so i'm taking a guess haha probably Smut or angst. I don't write exclusively smut or angst but almost every single fic I have has hurt/comfort scenes or sex scenes in them. Probs cuz people cry and have sex in real life haha and i'm tired of the bullshit on tv 

22. Are there certain types of writing you won’t do? (style, pov, genre, tropes, etc)

I don't write anything with scat or piss play, just not my thing so i think it would be difficult to write it for me. I don't have usually any hard no’s when it comes to writing. The content I consume is a different answer though. Likely because I have the ability to just not think about the things I don't want to think/write about whereas if I don't check does the dog die.com before a movie I’ll be panicking the whole time I’m gonna be triggered by on screen SA which seems to be a recurring theme in EVERY scary/thriller these days (fuck YOU hollywood)

40. If someone were to make fanart of your work, what fic or scene would you hope to see?

AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! Dude any!!!! But i'm also a horny slut so really any of the Hankconvin, steddiegrove, harringrove, parksborn sex scenes are good with me!!

I still have the fan art  someone made me for a fic I wrote back in 2013 as my phone background :3 I have since lost touch with them on tumblr but I think about them everyday

41. Do you tend to reread fics or are you a one-and-done kind of person?

I’m a huge re-reader/reconsumer. I will watch the same show 100 times and never get tired of it. Same with the fics I read. I’m a SUCKER for that good good content 

Bonus ?: Also I don't think I saw anything like this on the list so this one's straight from my brain: Do you have notes to help you keep track of what's happening in each of your WIPs, or are you just able to do that in your head (my memory fucking sucks - I could never)

Hahahahha yes and no. If its a short fic, I'll usually just reread it before i start adding new content since I jump around between fics CONSTANTLY. If it's a long fic, like the fucking Eden club yes, I have notes because I just don't have the time to go back and reread. My docs are a total mess hahahaha I love you, thank you for theses <3 I AM HAVING A GREAT GAY DAY AND I FUCKING HOPE YOU ARE TOO!

[sadfragilegirl]

A First Post Written by a Sad and Fragile Girl Named Queennie

Hello and Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening to you all.

This is the one and only Queennie, finally returned aka signing up to Tumblr again with a new username, @sadfragilegirl.

I. Why @sadfragilegirl? (Behind the Tumblr username)

The reason why I wrote this as my username as because my current self is now a Sad and Fragile Girl. That's because of all those things that are happening that are really bad, really upsetting and really brought me trauma for the rest of my life. Plus, after what I remember way back then when gained such terrible things on me when I was on Tumblr days last year 2018 and year 2020 like receiving hate and criticism and losing my mutuals by blocking me, I became a Sad and Fragile Girl.

II. Admitting My Mistakes From Long Ago Way Back In 2018 (@heart-baek-bleed) and 2020 (@heart-bleeding-autism-angel)

I would like to tell everyone who remember me as @heart-baek-bleed (2018) and @heart-bleeding-autism-angel (2020) that I apologize for everyone for acting myself such behavior even I have Autism. Especially to my former mutual @peacheclair back in way back then when I was @heart-baek-bleed in year 2018.

@peacheclair, when I read your post about me, I realized this now that I felt wronged because of my very problematic behavior even I have Autism like wanting to buy stuff from me in my wishlist like Kpop albums and merch and DVDs and posting things by myself that are unnecessary and upsetting to you like "I want to cough up blood", "I want to disappear", "I want to kill myself" and "I want to bang myself to the wall". In the end, it brought such greatest downfalls by myself. That's the reason why I received anonymous hate messages (and sometimes non-anonymous hate messages) and losing my favorite mutuals because of me. And because of me and my behavior as myself with Autism, I became a monster because of me. And now, people think that I am a problematic and a monster because of those things that I did to hurt anyone and everyone.

Now that I am 22 years old and my life becoming more difficult because of remembering my past on Tumblr from year 2018 and year 2020. And if I want to make a new friend, whether it's online or in real life, it gets even harder especially when I have Autism. And when I get older, it's even get harder to make friends who has the same age or even the same interest as me anymore. And I know it will end with the same result... Wanting to make a new friend but in the end, they either ghosting me (In a friendship way) or blocking me or ignoring me...And that it was my biggest fear when making new friends who has with Autism. And that it brought me depression and anxiety in my life that I don't know if I could overcome it that it will take forever for me to recover.

I felt so shameful of myself and that's the reason why I turned myself into a Sad and Fragile Girl, who accepted the fact that even I have Autism, I am a problematic person and a monster. And I know that I would make them unhappy and I know I might hurt them and they will hate me and be with friends with someone else than me instead because of my terrible past on Tumblr from 2018 and 2020.

And with that...the trauma from this past was still standing there like a scar that would never heal.

With this again, I am sorry once again for hurting you and to everyone who I hurt them. I felt so shameful and regretful. And because the this damage I've done to you and to everybody... I don't know what to do and I am not sure if you're going to forgive me for what I done.

I know that simple apology won't work and it absolutely won't ever forgive me like this so with that...I am going to accept this punishment and consequence from you after I caused this serious damage from long ago. I will became a better person and to forgive myself for now on.

I hope you will take time to forgive me.

III. What happened to you now that you're became a Sad and Fragile Girl?

Aside of remembering the past about my Tumblr days from year 2018 and 2020, there are so many things happening that brought me such trauma, including one memory that took a toll of my life that I named myself as a Scarlet Dream/Scarlet Memory:

And that's no other than...Ravi leaving VIXX due to his scandal over Military Service Evasion/Corruption Issue last April 11, 2023. (In which that Ravi of VIXX is one of my ultimate Kpop biases.)

After my ultimate VIXX bias Ravi left the group, it named as a Scarlet Memory that it brought me a Scarlet Dream that it has 10 times than typical nightmares.

And after Ravi's Departure from VIXX, my happiness has been taken away from me. Especially when things that are happening really bad in year 2023 in Kpop like bad things happening going on at SM Entertainment when they thought that they will going to have a brighter future this year but things are going way too wrong, Astro's Moonbin passed away, Lucas left NCT after his hiatus (Which also means, no more SuperM forever.), VIXX celebrating their 11th Anniversary without Hongbin and Ravi and Ravi's Weverse turned into an archive after it last a year and 3 months.

And in the end...I've lost motivation and interest in listening to newest and my favorite Kpop music and updates anymore. And instead, I am currently listening to music from Ukraine/Ukrainian music because it's really comforting that it brought me more interest than Kpop music and looking forward for exciting Kpop news.

I even lost interest of playing my favorite games anymore after they decided to end the service of Love Live! School Idol Festival All Stars last the end of April. (I wanted to play Love Live! SIF 2 ~MIRACLE LIVE~ but sadly I'd prefer to play on my tablet but the bad news is my tablet has few GB like 32 GB (My current tablet is Samsung Galaxy Tab A7 Lite and I found out that it's NOT perfect for download huge amount of games...))

2023 brought me such traumatic downfalls and traumas for me that I became a Sad and Fragile Girl. I don't know when I will be back to my old self anymore. It's like...my bright aura of my soul is breaking apart and it will fade away any moment now.

I am also still struggling from my depression and anxiety and I am trying to recover myself. It feels like I am walking such a bumpy road that it will took forever to recover this unbearable pain.

Anyways, that's all I have to say in my first post. I am going on a hiatus starting today to July 5, 2023 and I will return this July 6, 2023.

Thank you so much and have a wonderful day.

~Queennie 🥀

[tutuandscoot]

I know that this blog is mainly focused on vm’s 22 year partnership and not so much their current separate endeavors but just out of curiosity, have you read/watched/listened to all their solo interviews (like the ones from 2018-present) just to keep up with them?

Yes I do- I can’t say I’ve watched/listened to all of them but yes most certainly I do and I love hearing about everything else they have going on as they see fit to share. I mainly get frustrated with the actual interviewers and the “questions” they ask: ie the two most recent solo T podcast interviews I was appalled by some of the questioning- especially with the quite obvious baiting the first woman did both with teasing the interview and then the way she probed T for the potential (yet long setting of the record straight by VM themselves) of a romantic relationship in the past and T herself even mid-interview- quite subtly to her credit (as to not piss of her friend interviewing her) by saying they (VM) were quite bothered by it and felt it was very rude of people to ask why they weren’t ‘together’ and people being sickly curious over their private lives.

Some interviews I really love were their separate ones with Scott Livingston (their trainer) and T’s ‘Women of influence’ interview (the one in 2020) was excellent- an example of really well prepared and intelligent questioning and respect of T and S.

I’ve said in the past this is a space to admire their partnership and it’s not because I don’t care about them outside of their partnership, I just don’t feel… not inappropriate.. that it’s wrong to.. but thats their own private lives and I and others shouldn’t be finding joy over deep diving into their personal affairs. Their skating career however was public and was a sport and art for people to watch and yes.. judge. There is also just so much there to discuss and reminisce on and I feel there is a line not to cross when it comes to discussing people I don’t know lives’.

[brckenoncs]

(—) ★ spotted!! MICAH KENNEDY on the cover of this week’s most recent tabloid! many say that the 22 year old looks like HERO FIENNES TIFFIN, but i don’t really see it. while  the RETIRED ATHLETE/REALITY TV STAR is known for being AMBITIOUS my inside sources say that they have a tendency to be ALOOF i swear, every time i think of them, i hear the song LOSING MY RELIGION by R.E.M  { he/him, cismale}

the statistics

name: Micah Kennedy age: Twenty-One dob: April 1, 2002 gender: Cismale sexuality: Pansexual occupation: Olympic Swimming Gold Medalist for 50m Freestyle - 2020 Olympic Games, Olympic Swimming Gold Medalist for 100m Freestyle - 2020 Olympic Games, Olympic Swimming Gold Medalist for 100m Butterfly - 2020 Olympic Games, Olympic Swimming Gold Medalist for 4x100m Medley - 2020 Olympic Games,  Olympic Swimming Gold Medalist for 4x100m Freestyle - 2020 Olympic Games Reality TV Star - Current, Pianist - Current parents: Jordana Kennedy, unknown father siblings: Madeline Kennedy (twin, 21), Wednesday Kennedy (5) swimming career claim: Caeleb Dressel (minus the Rio de Janeiro Games)

the history

Growing up on camera would have thought to have made a bigger impact on Micah’s life than he let it. From a young age he was trained to have no qualms of the spotlight and made zero fuss when it came to his family’s hit reality tv show. To him, it was just another day at home.

At three years old, no one could keep him out of the ocean. His fascination with swimming and the water was unexplainable but it wasn’t long before he was enrolled in private swimming lessons.

At five years old he made the resolution to go to the Olympics and spent his entire life training to do so. It was amazing when he qualified for the 2020 Olympics at only 17 years old and even more of an accomplishment when he went on to win 5 gold medals, adding him to the list of only four other Americans to win that many in one Olympic Games. Also became the first male swimmer to win gold medals in the 50m freestyle, 100m freestyle and the 100m butterfly in the same games. 

tw: car accident In July of this last year, Micah was out with his sister at a party. She had gotten a bit out of control and Micah jumped into the car with her to stop her from driving away. She did so anyways and ended up crashing it. Micah ended up having to have surgery on his knee, which got completely twisted around during the accident, and his shoulder suffered a tear in his rotator cuff. The doctors had identified that the shoulder problem had been ongoing for a while, just escalated from the accident, but thus confirmed that he would need years of physical therapy to be able to walk normally again and couldn’t clear him to compete in swimming any longer – ending the career he spent his entire life working towards.

This pushed the already recluse of the Kennedy family further into a hole, finding it hard to get out of bed. The best therapy – both physically and mentally – was started and Micah tried to get back to his life as little as he could.

His therapist suggested picking up a hobby and piano seemed to be the only thing that stuck. Now all of his time is dedicated to mastering the skill and trying to grow from there. 

Though he doesn’t state it, Micah is resentful of both his sister and being a Kennedy. He loves his family, truly and dearly, he doesn’t understand how she could put either of them into the situation and why this was the one thing that his family name couldn’t solve. He had tried to make a name on his own and it was thrown back into his face.

updated information ( TW pregnancy, TW NICU , TW depression , TW suicidal thoughts ): after his accident, Micah spent weeks trying to get around feeling like he didn't belong. imposter syndrome overtook him as he felt as though he didn't fit into the Kennedy mold, was selfish for how he had originally broken up with Melrose Levington, selfish for hurting Archie Sinclair, the whole nine yards. It wasn't until he had a breakdown to his mother, Jordana Kennedy, who helped him get into a therapist and into programs -- which worked for a little while. That was until he found out that Melrose was pregnant and after a paternity test it was found that he was the father of her unborn child. After a rather easy pregnancy, their daughter was born suddenly months early and little miss Juniper Levington-Kennedy has been in the NICU fighting for her life.

[prophecydungeon]

year in fic: 2022

cross-post from dreamwidth.

word count for posted works: 19,092 words word count for unposted works (incl. wip): 21,457 words total word count: 40,549 words

pretty writing-light year for me, not entirely sure why; so it goes, though, i guess. i wrote a lot in both 2020 and 2021 so i suppose it's natural to have a bit of a fallow year. and what a way to end the year too — S11 au sequel cooking in the oven. i may never actually be free of that goddamn show.

works posted to AO3 in 2022:

steam, fill shape, share haikyuu!!, 1,806 words, rated G — posted 2/27/22

this was a castoff from plate tectonics that had enough chutzpah to stand on its own. this (and plate tectonics, too) was really kind of a meditation on loneliness.

plate tectonics haikyuu!!, 14,631 words, rated T — posted 4/30/22

this fic fought me every god damn inch of the way. when i was tallying up my unposted word count, i found 3,121 words in my deleted fragments doc from this fic. i'm happy with how it turned out!

ontologies bleach, grimmjow/ichigo, ichigo & kon, rated G — posted 11/5/22

TYBW's release pulled this one out of me. the TYBW anime has been absolutely incredible so far and i can't wait to lose my whole ass when our beloved Catte makes his dramatic re-entrance.

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i realized as i was writing out the list of published works that i published two G-rated fics this year (one of which was genfic), which feels so unusual. my stuff generally hovers around teen. oh well! i also didn't write any destiny fic this year for the first time since 2018, i think. that feels strange. but this year has been tumultuous, i haven't spent a lot of time playing the game, and there's been some lore i feel :| about too. so it goes.

in any case, the usual meme!

1) What’s your personal favourite thing you wrote this year?

ooh, this is a difficult one. i feel like i generally tend to be most excited about the newest thing i've worked on, and right now that's what i'm feeling — writing in the S11 AU version of chorus just feels like coming home at this point.

wait, no, i have a better answer: this one goes to a fic that i wrote with the intention of not posting it. it's unfinished and will remain unfinished. it veers wildly around everywhere. it was very, very fun and satisfying to write.

2) What’s your least favourite thing you wrote this year?

hmm. i don't know. i started and stopped a few things around summertime when i felt the "oh god i should be writing" feeling and they all felt... not good. so i guess that, as a category, is my least favorite thing.

3) Which of your fics was most different from what you usually write?

aforementioned "i plan on not posting this" fic was pretty different, both in the plan to not post it and the contents of it. it's a pretty silly and superficial fic; i'm not really Saying Anything with it. that's fine. that's why i liked it a lot.

4) Which of your fics this year was most successful?

i think this has to go to the Not Posted fic again. it got me writing when i'd been in a long drought for a few months.

5) Which of your fics do you wish was more successful?

this is sidestepping the question slightly, but i wish that plate tectonics hadn't fought me so hard. when i was tallying up my word count, i scrolled through the doc where i'd shoved all my cut fragments and there was some really good stuff in there. i wish i'd been able to incorporate that all successfully.

6) What’s your favourite piece of dialogue you wrote this year? 7) What’s your favourite piece of description or narration?

combining these two answers because it's the same snippet for both this year:

“You’re not him,” Grimmjow repeats, his voice pitched lower as he crowds close. Kon knew, in some part of his mind, that this might happen somehow; he’s seen Grimmjow and Nel at the Kurosakis’ front door, unmasked and boxed in by their fake bodies, but the possibility stumbling into one of them on the street like one of Ichigo’s old high school classmates had only ever existed as something distant and vague. Kon inhales a pinched breath and feels his vision waver as he stares up. Ichigo isn’t short; maybe Kon is just too used to viewing the world from a height of about six inches, maybe he’s just shrinking back into the hedge like a bird before a fox, maybe Grimmjow is just too tall and too strong and— “You’re not alive.”

Fury erupts in Kon’s borrowed chest. He’s alive. He’s alive. He’s alive because of Ichigo. And he knows for a fact that the same is true for the being that stands before him.

“I’m more alive than you,” Kon spits back, and shoves uselessly at the fist holding him in place. Grimmjow’s arm is like iron.

8) Which fic this year was most fun to write?

i am having a BLAST working on this sequel to S11 AU (or maybe this is finally the year that i start calling the fic by its title). it feels like coming home in so many ways: not just because this fandom has been part of me for so long and refuses to let me let go, but also because i get to sink back into halo at the same time. hey, maybe this'll get me to finally play infinite.

9) If you could go back and change something about one of the fics you wrote this year, what would it be?

this is much more vague and much less actionable than the way i've answered this in the past, but i wish that plate tectonics hadn't been so difficult for me to write. i wish i could snap my fingers and change the amount of energy it sucked out of me.

10) What, if anything, are you going to try to do differently in your writing in the new year?

this question is getting harder to answer. there's a particular structure i want to try for S11 AU sequel and wrangling that has made for an interesting week of planning, so maybe once i finish this project i'll try being more intentional with structure for the next one, too.

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as i was getting this crosspost into shape for tungle, it occurred to me that i do, actually, want to document just how it is that i got myself into this S11 AU (i need to stop doing this) P vs NP hole again in the first place because it's both kinda funny and also a pretty interesting reflection of where S1- P VERSUS NP has been over the years.

on christmas eve i watched glass onion. loved it! super fun movie. this immediately made me want to watch knives out again, but it's not on netflix and i don't subscribe to anything else. in lieu of this, i decided to watch casino royale on christmas day because the only bond i'd ever watched up till that point was, well, skyfall. at this moment, several things happened all at once: i got the urge to draw some wash/maine art to cap off the year, i was looking up which of the other daniel craig bondses came in which order, and i was thinking, of course, about skyfall and how much i liked it. powder keg meets spark.

the funny part is that i got hit with the urge to write more S11 auFUCKING P VS NP like i'd been brained by a 2x4, but it wasn't till i was an hour into half-watching casino royale that i realized this whole urge (and the whole crux of the plo, too) was specifically because skyfall was a massive source of drive and inspiration for S11 oh my fucking god. P vs NP. i am not doing this on purpose. and i mean, obviously, right? P vs NP's epigraph is specifically from skyfall. it's there because of skyfall.

skyfall and P vs NP are not, actually, very similar. there are a handful of threads that are sort of similar, but they're really not one-to-one reflective of each other. i guess that's what makes a good source of inspiration? i went back through some old stuff to see if i ever Poasted about why and how skyfall inspired me so deeply and there wasn't really... anything specific. it was just a movie that i saw at the right time to amplify my urge to write this fic.

that being said, i did watch skyfall in my little danny boy marathon, this time while trying to figure out what it was that hit me so hard, and there were some fun similarities:

moneypenny "kills" bond; bond comes back; moneypenny helps bond

bond's re-entry into service; wash in season 8

bond: everybody needs a hobby. silva: so what's yours? bond: resurrection.

"look upon your work, mother"; silva and bond as same-but-opposite, not quite reflecting wash and maine (in P vs NP or in canon) but there are some threads there

...huh, okay, maybe there was a bit more there than i thought. anyways, now i'm here. again. i am hoping this sequel contains itself to like, 20k words. i am not optimistic about this. we will see.

here's to 2023!