#2018 Jane's Walk

[mostlysignssomeportents]

General Strike 2028

If you'd like an essay-formatted version of this post to read or share, here's a link to it on pluralistic.net, my surveillance-free, ad-free, tracker-free blog:

https://pluralistic.net/2024/11/11/rip-jane-mcalevey/#organize

Trump is a scab.

https://www.democracynow.org/2024/9/2/shawn_fain_2024_election

Trump is a scab and the Dems need unions. While working class votes were all over the place – lotsa turkeys voting for Christmas – union voters voted against Trump with near-unanimity.

Trump is a scab, the Dems need unions, and the Dems are not faithful friends to unions. Harris campaign advisor – her brother-in-law Tony West – is Uber's chief legal officer and the architect of Prop 22, California's scab law that formalized "gig work" labor violations. The fact that when the eminently guillotineable union-buster Howard Schultz tries to win a presidential nomination he does so in the Democratic party speaks volumes. If your political party has room for Michael Bloomberg, it doesn't have room for workers. Seriously, fuck that guy.

Trump is a scab, the Dems need unions, Dems are not faithful friends to unions, and unions keep the Dems honest. The #RedForEd teachers' strikes of 2018 kicked off a wave of public support for unions – and worker interest in unionization – that has only grown in the years since:

https://theweek.com/articles/764828/teacher-strikes-could-future-alt-labor

Trump is a scab, Dems need unions, Dems are not faithful to unions, unions make the Dems better, workers want unions, the public loves unions, and union membership is falling.

It's falling! This one is on the union leadership. Unions are sitting on gigantic warchests that they are resolutely not spending organizing the workers who are clamoring to join unions:

https://www.hamiltonnolan.com/p/ten-times-this

Unions have historic high cash reserves and are doing historically low organizing. This part is the unions' fault:

https://www.radishresearch.org/_files/ugd/2357dd_135794f88aa140f2962ee5c71ac31ff0.pdf

Or rather, it's the union bosses' fault. Union leadership in America, broadly speaking, sucks. Bosses love shitty unions, and the biggest unions obliged bosses for decades, with leaders who established suicidal practices like "two-tier contracts." That's a union where all the workers have to pay dues, but only the senior workers get protection from the union those dues fund:

https://pluralistic.net/2024/05/20/a-common-foe/#the-multinational-playbook

If you sat down and said, "Let's design a union contract that will ensure that every worker hired from this day forward hates unions," this is the contract you'd come up with.

Those shitty union bosses? They're on the way out. In 2023, the UAW held its first honest elections for generations, and radicals, led by Shawn Fain, swept the board. How did workers win their union back? They unionized more workers! Specifically, the UAW organized the brutally exploited Harvard grad students, and the Harvard kids memorized the union by-laws, and every time the corrupt old guard tried the steal the leadership election, one or another of them popped to their feet, reciting chapter-and-verse from the union's own rules and keeping the vote going:

https://theintercept.com/2023/04/07/deconstructed-union-dhl-teamsters-uaw/

Fain led the UAW to an historic strike: the UAW took on all three of the Big Three automakers, and cleaned their clocks. UAW workers walked away with three new contracts, all set to expire in 2028. Fain then called upon every union to bargain for contracts that run out in 2028, because if every union contract expires in 2028, we've got the makings of a general strike.

That means that when the next presidential election rolls around, it's going to be in the middle of the most militant moment in a century of US labor history. That is an opportunity.

Labor movements fight fascists. They always have. Trump and the GOP are not on the side of workers, notwithstanding all that bullshit about supporting workers by fighting immigration. Sure, when the number of workers goes up, wages can go down – if you're not in a union. Conservatives have never supported unions. They hate solidarity. Conservatives want workers to believe that they can get paid more if labor is scarcer, and there's some truth to that, but solidarity endures in good times and bad, and scarcity ends any time bosses figure out how to offshore, outsource, or automate your job. Scarcity is brittle.

"Law-and-order" candidates want to throw millions of our neighbors in jail. By the way, the 13th Amendment abolished slavery, except for prisoners. American imprisons more people than any other country in the history of the world. We make Stalin's gulags and Chinese Cultural Revolution "re-education camps" look unambitious. American prisoners produce $9b worth of services and $2b worth of goods every year. The average US prison wage is $0.53/hour, but six states ban prison wages altogether and North Carolina caps them at $1/day:

https://pluralistic.net/2024/04/02/captive-customers/#guillotine-watch

If you think immigrants are bad for American workers' wages, wait'll you see what legions of newly imprisoned slave laborers earning $0.53/hour do to those wages. Also: Californians just voted down a ballot measure to abolish prison slavery:

https://www.kqed.org/news/12013392/californians-voted-against-outlawing-slavery-why-is-prop-6-failing

The GOP are not on workers' side, and workers will not earn more under Trump's policies. Workers will earn more if they join a union, which they will only do if union leaders focus on organizing, which will only happen if we get rid of shitty union bosses. Start with this asshole, who belongs on the scrapheap of history:

https://www.npr.org/2024/07/16/nx-s1-5041345/teamsters-president-sean-obrien-addresses-the-republican-national-convention

With the GOP running the country for the next four years, it's tempting to look for hope in social movements. Maybe Trump will be so terrible that people will band together in informal solidarity networks and #Resist. History teaches us otherwise. The people who need the most help under Trump will be too embroiled in the fight for their own survival to put together the kind of movement that can make a difference.

As Astra Taylor reminded us on the Know Your Enemy podcast, Occupy and Black Lives Matter formed under Obama, when things were eleven kinds of fucked up, but at least ICE wasn't raiding our neighbors' homes:

https://know-your-enemy-1682b684.simplecast.com/episodes/voting-what-is-it-good-for-w-astra-taylor-olufmi-taiwo-malcolm-harris-teaser

Occupy and BLM arose in a moment when people had just enough breathing room to think beyond their immediate survival. Even deeply flawed progressive administrations provide that breathing room.

By contrast, the #RedForEd teachers' strikes were a creature of the Trump years. Even if social movements struggle to find their power under authoritarian, far-right regimes, these are the conditions in which organized labor movements are renewed:

https://www.hamiltonnolan.com/p/to-unfuck-politics-create-more-union

Trump won the election because white men, especially young white men, voted for him, but he couldn't have done it without the votes of white women, and Black and Latino men. These voters may even conceive of themselves as being in favor of women's rights and of the rights of racial minorities, but they still voted for Trump, because some facet of their identity - their maleness, their whiteness - mattered more to them than everything else.

Bosses have always excelled at this game, bringing in Irish scabs to break strikes of German workers, or Polish scabs to break Irish workers' pickets. The Pinkertons relied on Black workers who were excluded from the lily white unions.

Our identities are complex and ever-shifting, and men who worry that women's power comes at their own expense, or whites who worry that this is true of Black and Latino power aren't entirely wrong. As the saying goes, "When you're accustomed to privilege, equality feels like oppression."

But there's one part of your identity that is inherently solidaristic: whether you are a worker or an owner. If you own the business, you make more money when your workers earn less. If you work at the business, every dollar you earn is a dollar your boss doesn't get. Workers' gains are bosses' losses.

That's why they want us to "vote with our wallets." It's not just that those votes are rigged for the people with the fattest wallets. By tricking you into thinking of yourself as a "consumer" who benefits from low prices, they get you to stop thinking of yourself as a worker who suffers from low wages.

This remains true even after decades of "market based pensions" that forced workers to flush their savings into the stock market casino, to be the perennial suckers at the table in a game where their bosses had an unbeatable house advantage:

https://pluralistic.net/2022/11/06/the-end-of-the-road-to-serfdom/

Even after generations of this, the share of the stock market owned by workers is a negligible crumb. This is how GDP can rise, the stock market can surge, and you stay poor. Workers' fortunes don't rise and fall with the stock market. They're not owners.

You're a worker even if you're well-paid. Tech workers are just figuring this out, after a generation-long con in which bosses convinced techies that they were temporarily embarrassed entrepreneurs who definitely didn't need a union:

https://pluralistic.net/2024/02/16/narrative-capitalism/#sell-job

Tech workers' power came from scarcity, and scarcity is brittle. Tech fired 260,000 workers in 2023, and another 100,000 in the first six months of 2024. Tech bosses have smashed their workers' power, and we know what comes next.

We know what comes next because we know how tech bosses treat workers they can replace. Amazon warehouse workers piss in bottles and get maimed on the job at a rate that outstrips any other warehouse worker in America. Jeff Bezos and Andy Jassy didn't welcome coders with pink mohawks, facial piercings and black t-shirts with incomprehensible slogans because they liked tech workers and hated warehouse workers. Amazon coders owed the privilege to pee whenever they felt like it to their bosses' fear that they couldn't be replaced. Now that coders are replaceable, their kidneys are on the firing line.

"The future is here, it's just not evenly distributed." If you want to see the future of a replaceable Amazon coder, look at the working conditions of a replaceable Amazon delivery driver, monitored by a fucking AI that punishes them if they open their mouths while driving:

https://jalopnik.com/amazon-bans-its-drivers-from-moving-their-own-lips-too-1851639312

Remember lovely Tim Cook, the guy who took over Apple from its sainted juice-cleansing cofounder Steve Jobs? Cook's accomplishment, the one that earned him the CEOship and a personal net worth in excess of $2 billion, was to figure out how to offshore Apple's production to Chinese factories where the working conditions were so terrible that they needed to install suicide nets to catch workers who couldn't face another minute on the job:

https://www.theguardian.com/technology/2017/jun/18/foxconn-life-death-forbidden-city-longhua-suicide-apple-iphone-brian-merchant-one-device-extract

That's how Tim Cook treats workers he's not afraid of. Apple workers, no matter how well paid, no matter how pampered, need a union, because the instant Tim Cook can treat you like a Chinese iPhone assembly-line worker, he will.

Tim Cook had some choice words for Donald Trump this week:

Congratulations President Trump on your victory! We look forward to engaging with you and your administration to help make sure the United States continues to lead with and be fueled by ingenuity, innovation, and creativity.

It wasn't just Cook. Every tech boss lined up to kiss Trump's ass: Bezos ("Wishing @realDonaldTrump all success"); Zuck ("Looking forward to working with you"); Pichai ("We are in a golden age of American innovation"); Nadella ("Congratulations President Trump"):

https://daringfireball.net/2024/11/i_wonder

You don't just deserve a tech union, you need one, now:

https://abookapart.com/products/you-deserve-a-tech-union.html

Organizing a 2028 general strike under Trump won't be easy. Workers won't be able to secure support from the courts or the NLRB, whose brilliant Biden-era leadership team is surely doomed:

https://pluralistic.net/2023/09/06/goons-ginks-and-company-finks/#if-blood-be-the-price-of-your-cursed-wealth

But the NLRB only exists today because workers established unions when doing so was radioactively illegal and union organizers were beaten, jailed and murdered with impunity. The tactics those organizers used are not lost to the mists of time – they are a tradition that lives on to this day.

The standard-bearer for this older, militant, community-based union organizing was the great Jane McAlevey (rest in power). McAlevey ran organizing and strike drives as mass-movements; she wouldn't call for either without being sure of massive majorities, 70%-95%:

https://pluralistic.net/2023/04/23/a-collective-bargain/

McAlevey understood union organizing as a source of worker power, but also as a source of community power. When she helped organize the LA #RedForEd Teachers' strike, the teachers didn't just demand better working conditions for themselves, but also green space for their students, and protection from ICE raids for their students' parents. They did this under Trump, and built a turnout organization that flipped key seats and delivered a House majority to the Democrats in 2020.

In her work, McAlevey excoriated the kind of shittyass Dem power-brokers who just lost an election to a convicted felon and rapist, condemning their technocratic conceit that the path to electoral victory was in winning over precisely 50.1% of the vote in each tactically significant precinct. McAlevey said that's how you get the nightmarish Manchin-Synematic Universe where Dems can't deliver and workers don't vote for Dems. To transform America, we need the kinds of majorities that McAlevey and her fellow organizers won in those strike votes – majorities that produced durable, anti-fascist power that turned into electoral victories, too.

McAlevey died last summer. But she left behind a legion of people she taught and inspired, and a playbook we all can follow:

https://jacobin.com/2024/07/jane-mcalevey-strategy-organizing-obituary

We've got four years. Join a union. Take over its leadership. Create solidarity with your fellow workers and your community. Bargain for a contract. Make it expire in 2028. Get ready.

Because in 2028, we're having a general strike.

[thyme-in-a-bubble]

a list of some autumnal movies/series 🍂

i am nothing if not an organised little goblin who can not stop themself from making a good list. this is just in case you want something with that fall vibe but can't think of any. just close your eyes and point somewhere on this little list, or even put the numbers in a generator and go with whatever the result is ♡

winter | spring | summer

🥧 ‧₊˚ ⋅ movies ⋅˚₊‧

nosferatu (1922) 

sabrina (1954)

the creature from the black lagoon (1954)

psycho (1960)

rosemary’s baby (1968)

the rocky horror picture show (1975)

halloween franchise (1978-)

friday the 13th franchise (1980-)

an american werewolf in london (1981)

dark crystal (1982)

a nightmare on elm street (1984)

ghostbusters (1984-)

ronja rövardotter (1984)

clue (1985)

princess bride (1987)

the witches of eastwick (1987)

elvira mistress of the dark (1988)

dead poets society (1989)

when harry met sally (1989)

ghost (1990)

the witches (1990)

death becomes her (1992)

hocus pocus (1993)

addams family values (1993)

interview with a vampie (1994)

the craft (1996)

the first wifes club (1996)

the scream franchise (1996-)

halloweentown (1998)

practical magic (1998)

you’ve got mail (1998)

the blair witch project (1999)

sleepy hollow (1999)

chocolat (2000)

amelie (2001)

the lord of the rings franchise (2001-2003)

scooby doo (2002)

school of rock (2003)

mona lisa smile (2003)

peter pan (2003)

pirates of the caribbean franchise (2003-2017)

north & south (2004)

pride and prejudice (2005)

the descent (2005)

just like heaven (2005)

the devil wears prada (2006)

the lake house (2006)

penelope (2006)

el orfanato (2007)

juno (2007)

ratatouille (2007)

bridge to terabithia (2007)

the edge of love (2008)

twilight (2008)

the curious case of benjamin button (2008)

julie & julia (2009)

jennifer’s body (2009)

dorian gray (2009)

coraline (2009)

true grit (2010)

the cabin in the woods (2011)

jane eyre (2011)

wuthering heights (2011)

perks of being a wallflower (2012)

the odd life of timothy green (2012)

hotel transylvania (2012-)

the conjuring franchise (2013-)

what we do in the shadows (2014)

the riot club (2014)

as above so below (2014)

john wick (2014-)

the age of adaline (2015)

the witch (2015)

far from the madding crowd (2015)

the edge of seventeen (2016)

paterson (2016)

20th century woman (2016)

the love witch (2016)

mary shelly (2017)

murder on the orient express (2017)

get out (2017)

a quiet place (2018 + 2020)

the guernsey literary and potato peel pie society (2018)

on the basis of sex (2018)

knives out (2019)

ready or not (2019)

the lighthouse (2019)

little women (2019)

the gentlemen (2019)

emma (2020)

ammonite (2020)

the dig (2021)

fear street trilogy (2021)

good luck to you, leo grande (2022)

the batman (2022)

fresh (2022)

bodies bodies bodies (2022)

mr malcom's list (2022)

totally killer (2023)

slay (2024)

🧦 ‧₊˚ ⋅ series ⋅˚₊‧

moomin (1990-1992)

twin peaks (1990-1991)

x files (1993-2018)

buffy the vampire slayer (1997-2003)

gilmore girls (2000-2007)

supernatural (2005-2020)

vampire diaries (2009-2017) / the originals (2013-2018) / legacies (2018-2022)

downton abbey (2010-2015)

the walking dead (2010-2022)

once upon a time (2011-2018)

american horror story (2011-)

teen wolf (2011-2017)

peaky blinders (2013-2022)

outlander (2014-)

how to get away with murder (2014-2020)

the magicians (2015-2020)

izombie (2015-2019)

poldark (2015-2019)

critical role (2015-)

stranger things (2016-)

ghost files / buzzfeed unsolved (2016-)

lucifer (2016-2021)

shadowhunters (2016-2019)

anne with an e (2017-2019)

the good fight (2017-2022)

riverdale (2017-2023)

manifest (2018-2023)

killing eve (2018-2022)

succession (2018-2023)

you (2018-)

a discovery of witches (2018-2022)

the chilling adventures of sabrina (2018-2020)

dickinson (2019-2021)

virgin river (2019-)

carnival row (2019-2023)

the witcher (2019-)

the umbrella academy (2019-2024)

sanditon (2019-2023)

good omens (2019-2025)

the haunting of bly manor (2020)

i’ll be gone in the dark (2020)

queens gambit (2020)

the great (2020-2023)

shadow and bone (2021-2023)

the nevers (2021-2023)

wednesday (2022-)

interview with the vampire (2022-)

vikings valhalla (2022-2024)

lessons in chemistry (2023)

my lady jane (2024-)

[cal-daisies-and-briars]

Finally we’ve got the season two AUs!

🧜‍♂️🧜‍♂️🧜‍♂️🧜‍♂️🧜‍♂️🧜‍♂️🧜‍♂️🧜‍♂️🧜‍♂️🧜‍♂️🧜‍♂️🧜‍♂️🧜‍♂️🧜‍♂️🧜‍♂️🧜‍♂️🧜‍♂️🧜‍♂️🧜‍♂️🧜‍♂️🧜‍♂️🧜‍♂️🧜‍♂️🧜‍♂️🧜‍♂️🧜‍♂️🧜‍♂️🧜‍♂️ (this one is so much fun!! First of all I was so completely entertained with Buck and Eddie misunderstanding each other. It was so funny! Also loving reading about trans-Eddie and his backstory! It works really well as an exploration of his character and I’m really enjoying it. And mermaid Buck who just was reminded of the word merman �� Love me some unexplained plot-developing magic and can’t wait to see this one play out!)

🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼 (okay I know this one is technically very much in season three territory but it all stems from an AU season two so I’m counting it :p So excited to meet baby Jane!! And loving that established Buddie and can’t wait to see everything play out with Shannon!)

🧟🧟🧟🧟🧟🧟🧟🧟🧟🧟🧟🧟🧟🧟🧟🧟🧟🧟🧟🧟🧟🧟🧟🧟🧟🧟(lol it took me a bit to remember that this one is also technically an AU of season two because of just how alternate that universe is. I can’t believe this one’s almost done! I’ve absolutely adored it! Such a wonderful fire fam story that I’ve loved so much! Very excited to see it all wrapped up in the epilogue!)

I hope you have fun writing Cal! I’ll definitely be having fun reading!

- PCA <3

HI PCA!!! Thanks for sending in more <3

I am going to start with this one because I am hoping to finish zombie fic soon and this is my only request for it. So thank you!

84 for 🧜‍♂️ (Ah yay thank you!!!!! This one has been SO fun to write):

tagging @steadfastsaturnsrings

---

Eddie can tell this is sort of a sore subject for Buck, and changes topic. 

“So what are you looking for?” Eddie asks. 

“I’m not too picky,” Buck shrugs. “Just not further away from the ocean than I already am. And, uh… I don’t know. Something between the fire station and you would be nice.”

“Between the fire station and me?” Eddie asks. 

“Yeah,” Buck shrugs, cheeks heating a little. “I mean, I’m sort of here all the time, anyway. Might as well cut down the commute.”

Eddie smiles. “Okay, then. Let’s narrow down the search range.”

A bit later, Buck brings them each a coffee from the kitchen, sleeve riding up on his wrist as he hands a mug to Eddie. Eddie looks at the clear skin of his arm, curious. Fair enough. There had been a lot of bruising and scratches there yesterday. The result of trying to rescue a terrified dog from a house fire. 

“Went for a swim last night,” Buck says, shrugging. 

“And it healed you?” Eddie asks. “Just like that?”

“Yeah,” Buck shrugs. “It always erases minor stuff. Haven’t encountered anything bigger though, so I don’t know how far it goes.”

“That’s pretty sick,” Eddie admits. 

“Doesn’t work on a hangover,” Buck grumbles. 

“Maybe the ocean knew you deserved it,” Eddie laughs. 

Hell, maybe it did. 

🌊

A few weeks later, Buck is moving into a ground floor unit in a building between work and Eddie. A bit closer to Eddie, just based on pricing. There were two units available in the building. The second floor walk up was a bit cheaper - not hugely, but enough to consider it - but when Buck thinks about who really comes over, beyond his sister, it’ll be Eddie and Chris. And the ground floor would be way easier for Chris. So that’s what he chose. 

He doesn’t tell Eddie this. Just makes the decision. But the first day he’s moved in, with proper furniture that he actually owns, he has them over for pizza and video games, and he knows he’s made the right choice. 

Unfortunately, he doesn’t get to enjoy the new apartment for very long. Sooner rather than later, the world sort of ends. There’s a bank heist, which the 118 is framed for. Buck is terrified, being a suspect. Dragged down for interrogation. What if they do some sort of test on him that reveals what he is? Eddie looks sort of sick too. Probably not for dissimilar reasons. Just wildly different results. 

The 118 is cleared. But Bobby is not. Or at least, he’s cleared of the robbery, but he’s still under suspicion. The LAFD is looking into his past. Poking around at all his trauma; the loss of his family, rehab, all of it. Buck doesn’t think it’s fair. Doesn’t think it’s any of their business. 

Apparently it is.

Bobby is put on suspension pending the results of the inquest. Chimney is made acting captain. And it all sort of overlaps with a disaster. Or, rather, many repeated disasters. Serial disasters. A package bomber. The city is sort of in collective panic. 

Buck is concerned, of course. But not really about anyone he knows. Not at first. At first, the people being targeted seem to be all too wealthy for him or the people he loves to fit the pattern. A judge, an attorney, etcetera. But then a package is discovered at Athena’s house, and even though no one is hurt, Buck can’t help but feel sick about it. Her son discovered it; her child. Bobby could have been there. Bobby. The thought of Bobby being hurt makes him want to writhe. Stresses him so badly he can feel the phantom sensation of scales running up his spine. He knows Bobby is fine. That he wasn’t even there. But he still feels physically ill. 

He doesn’t have long to feel sick about it, though. He doesn’t have long to feel anything but panic and pain for very long. Because the next victim of the package bomber, as it turns out, is him. 

---

57for 🔼 (It definitely started in S2 so you're right! And yay! Thank you!!!)

---

That makes him freak out. Or at least the possibility of missing it. Not that Buck can blame him. She’s not even Buck’s kid and he sort of feels like if he wasn’t trying to keep Eddie calm, he’d be freaking out a tiny bit, too. 

It’s not all bad freaking out. Some of it is positive. He’s a bit like a yoyo. 

“We’re really going to meet her,” Eddie says, excitedly to start. “She’s really going to be here.”

“She is,” Buck grins in response. 

A few minutes later, as traffic seems to plunge into doom territory, Eddie is filled with despair. 

“I made it home from Afghanistan to be there when Chris was born,” he laments. “Afghanistan, Buck! That’s three continents of travel. I had a half day layover in Germany. I still made it home in time. But now I won’t make it across town for Jane?”

Oh boy.

“Eddie, you’ll make it in time,” Buck promises, willing himself to be right. “You’ll definitely make it. I will turn on the siren, I swear.”

“That’s technically not allowed, Buck, I-”

“I’m the one driving,” Buck shrugs, and turns it on. 

Immediately, cars start moving out of the way.

“Okay,” Eddie sighs, fitting a headset over his ears. “Alright, good idea.”

“Told you I got you,” Buck smiles.

“I feel like I’m going to puke,” Eddie admits. 

“Well, don’t do that. It’ll delay us,” Buck teases. 

Eddie just groans. 

◀️

Shannon really can’t believe Eddie is going to miss this. If she wasn’t currently experiencing active labor - a much more active labor than her previous experience - she might not be so pissed about it. She understands he was out there, on a call, saving people. Which is good. She won’t die without him, but the people out there in accidents sure might. Whatever. But he should be here. He promised he’d be here every step of the way, and this is a pretty big step. Also, he did this to her. He should at least be here to have his hand crushed and to be snapped at. 

“He’s on his way, okay?” Maddie promises. “He’s rushing over.”

Not fast enough. 

Not fast enough, because the last time she was checked out, she was told she’s almost ready to start pushing. And even though last time she was told she could start pushing, it took hours and ended in forceps, she’s been assured this is progressing fast and easy. There is nothing easy about it, thank you. But she believes the fast part. She can already just tell, compared to Chris. Their daughter is eager to make an entrance. Which is fine with Shannon. It’s the opposite of what she’d feared. 

She just needs Eddie to be here for it. 

Shannon’s worried. She’s sad at the prospect of him missing it, mostly for him. But she’s also in a lot of pain, which turns all that to frustration.

“If he’s not here,” she tells Maddie. “I’ll kill him.”

---

66 for 🧟 (THANK YOU! I am very excited to wrap it up)

---

 It wakes her, but slowly. Sunlight warms her face. The other thing warming her is Chimney. He draped over her middle. His chest against her back. She feels completely at ease, right here. 

Sometimes Maddie has a habit of gaslighting herself a little. Her brain intrusively suggests she shouldn’t trust her instincts. That they were her problem to begin with; the reason she got hurt. That if she’d been smarter, she would have avoided it. And maybe she’s not being smart now. She’d thought that when she got in the truck with Eddie. She thought that when she started getting closer to Chimney. She’s fighting off thinking about it today. It’s just not true. Every decision she has made has kept her alive. 

When the sun eventually wakes Chimney, too, she feels him take a deep breath, then lean forward to kiss the back of her head. She smiles, pleased.

“Good morning,” she says quietly. 

“Yeah,” Chim replies. “A really good one.”

Maddie’s smile widens. There’s a lot to like about Chimney. So much. But one of the things she thinks she appreciates most is how he makes her feel good without being overly complimentary. None of it feels like attempted flattery, or trying to butter her up. He’s completely just sincere with her, in whatever he says. Another reason to trust him. She can recognize now how a lifetime of her parents’ criticism left her vulnerable to Doug piling on empty compliments. How that led to a frantic need to please him again when they went away. 

Maddie is stronger than that now. She survived the outbreak. She escaped the husband who would have kept her trapped in hell, and then killed him when he would have killed her. She made it across the country, found her brother. She learned how to survive, how to fight against threats she would have never expected a year ago. She helped make bombs to defend against a home she would have never expected, either. 

So Maddie feels safe now, more often than not. Even when her brain tries to fight her on it. Even when she’s scared. She’s safe. 

She rolls over in bed and looks at Chim. He takes a deep breath.

“Hi,” he mutters.

“Hi,” she replies. “Thank you.”

He gives her a funny, confused smile.

“For what?”

She shrugs a little. “I don’t know. For being here when I showed up?”

His cheeks redden a little. “Well, uh… Thank you for showing up.” 

She laughs brightly. “Anytime.”

And when Chim kisses her again, something inside Maddie just feels entirely, perfectly settled. 

October 11th, 2018

They’d expected Shannon and Taylor to come back around this time. They’d said monthly visits for Shannon and Chris at a minimum. More if they could help it. And Shannon wasn’t going to travel alone. Not while Taylor was around. Hen still wonders if Shannon knows Taylor is in love with her. 

What they’re not expecting is for Shannon and Taylor to show up with a child. A child that wasn’t mentioned last time. A little girl. 

[annecoulmanross]

A Song from Swept Away for (not quite) Every Character from The Terror (2018)

In my ongoing quest to drag every terror fan into my obsession with Swept Away, I give you: a character from The Terror (2018) for every song from Swept Away: A New Musical Tale, Broadway’s new shipwreck cannibalism musical. Listen along here! Characters & select lyrics below the cut.

1. Go To Sleep = James Fitzjames

I spit a tooth in the palm of my hand Lay back, lay back, go to sleep my man Wipe the blood from you face and your hands Forgive yourself if you think that you can

2. Hard Worker = John Morfin

I got way down on my knees Sayin’ “Lord, can ya help me, If ya please, please, please— Can ya’ save me from this workin’ man’s disease?”

3. Nothing Short of Thankful = Henry Peglar

Do you think they’re listening To a thing? (No!) I wonder what’s On their mind; we all should (Go!) Break down the walls being built around us

4. Swept Away = James Clark Ross

Life is ever changing but I can always Find a constant and comfort in your love With your heart my soul is bound And as we dance I surely know that some kinda heaven will be found

5. Lord Lay Your Hand on My Shoulder = Sir John Franklin

Note: This one’s not on the playlist because it was written specially for the musical and it hasn’t formally been released yet! You can listen to a clip from it here though!

Lord lay your hand on my shoulder And guide me to our home

6. Ain’t No Man = Solomon Tozer

There ain’t no man can save me There ain’t no man can enslave me Ain’t no man, or men that can change The shape my soul is in

7. May It Last = Jane, Lady Franklin

There is a sea and I am a captain Of something unknown, waves high as mountains There is a key and there is a lie Here’s to times that I catch it

8. Murder in the City = John & Tom Hartnell

Make sure my sister knows I loved her Make sure my mother knows the same Always remember there was nothing worth sharing Like the love that let us share our name

9. Complainte d’un Matelot Mourant = HMShips Erebus & Terror

[Instrumental]

10. A Gift for Melody Anne = Harry Goodsir

Lord, I just want my life to be true And I just want my heart to be true I just want my words to be true I want my soul to feel brand new

11. Through My Prayers = Francis Crozier

Every night after and every day since I find myself crying when the memory hits Sometimes it knocks me down Sometimes I can just put it away

12. Satan Pulls the Strings = Cornelius Hickey

Mama’s cooking something up, serving to us all Satan’s ringing in now and I gotta take the call Gotta take the call, boys, gotta take the call Satan’s ringing in now and I gotta take the call

13. No Hard Feelings = John Irving

Will I join with the ocean blue? Or run into a savior true? And shake hands laughing, and walk through the night, Straight to the light, holding the love I’ve known in my life And no hard feelings

14. The Once and Future Carpenter = Thomas Blanky

Forever I will move like the world that turns beneath me And when I lose my direction, I’ll look up to the sky I’ll be ready to surrender, and remember, well we’re all in this together If I live the life I’m given, I won’t be scared to die

[april-is]

April 12, 2024: A Small Psalm, Catherine Wing

A Small Psalm Catherine Wing

Sorrow be gone, be a goner, be forsooth un-sooth, make like a suit and beat it, vamoose from the heavy heavy, be out from under the night's crawlspace, call not for another stone, more weight more weight, be extinguished, extinguish, the dark, that which is deep and hollow, that which presses from all sides, that which squeezes your heart into an artichoke-heart jar and forbids it breathe, that which is measured by an unbalanced scale, banish the broken, the unfixable, the shattered, the cried-over, the cursed, the cursers, the curses— curse them, the stone from the stone fruit, let it be fruit, the pit from the pitted, the pock from the pocked, the rot from the rotten, tarry not at the door, jam not the door's jamb, don't look back, throw nothing over your shoulder, not a word, not a word's edge, vowel, consonant, but run out, run out like the end of a cold wind, end of season, and in me be replaced with a breath of light, a jack-o'-lantern, a flood lamp or fuse box, a simple match or I would even take a turn signal, traffic light, if it would beat beat and flash flood like the moon at high tide, let it, let it, let it flare like the firefly, let it spark and flash, kindle and smoke, let it twilight and sunlight, and sunlight and moonlight, and when it is done with its lighting let it fly, will'-o-the-wisp, to heaven.

--

Also: + you can’t be a star in the sky without holy fire, Frank X. Gaspar + Untitled [I closed the book and changed my life], Bruce Smith

Today in:

2023: How to Do Absolutely Nothing, Barbara Kingsolver 2022: Miss you. Would like to take a walk with you., Gabrielle Calvocoressi 2021: I saw Emmett Till this week at the grocery store, Eve L. Ewing 2020: Day Beginning with Seeing the International Space Station And a Full Moon Over the Gulf of Mexico and All its Invisible Fishes, Jane Hirshfield 2019: Flores Woman, Tracy K. Smith 2018: The Universe as Primal Scream, Tracy K. Smith 2017: Soul, David Ferry 2016: Turkeys, Galway Kinnell 2015: He Said Turn Here, Dean Young 2014: I Don’t Miss It, Tracy K. Smith 2013: Hotel Orpheus, Jason Myers 2012: Emily Dickinson’s To-Do List, Andrea Carlisle 2011: Now That I Am in Madrid and Can Think, Frank O’Hara 2010: The Impossible Marriage, Donald Hall 2009: The Rider, Naomi Shihab Nye 2008: from Homage to Mistress Bradstreet, John Berryman 2007: This Heavy Craft, P.K. Page 2006: Late Ripeness, Czeslaw Milosz 2005: A Martian Sends A Postcard Home, Craig Raine

[broadwaydivastournament]

Broadway Divas Tournament: 2A

Judith Light (1949) JUDITH lIGHT (Madame Raquin). A graduate of Carneige Mellon University, Judith Light currently co-stars in the Golden Globe-winning series "Transparant." She received a Tony nominatino for the play Lombardi, followed by two consecutive Tony and Drama Desk wins for Other Desert Cities and The Assembled Parties. In the Pulitzer Prize-winning play Wit she was awarded Helen Hayes and Eliot Norton awards. A star of the hit TV series "Who's the Boss?," she also received two consecutive Emmy Awards for her work on "One Life to Live." Light has been a longtime champion for LGBTQ and human rights and is an active participant in a variety of organizations including Broadway Cares/Equity Fights AIDS and the Point Foundation." - Playbill bio from Thérèse Raquin, November, 2015.

Marin Mazzie (1960-2018) “MARIN MAZZIE (Clara). 1994 Drama Desk and Tony Award nomination for Best Supporting Actress in a Musical. B’way: Into the Woods (Rapunzel, Witch, Cinderella), Big River (Mary Jane Wilkes). Off-B’way: …And the World Goes Round. Nat’l tour: …And the World Goes Round (L.A. Drama-Logue Award), Doonesbury (Boopsie). Regional: Merrily We Roll Along (Beth), La Jolla Playhouse and Arena Stage; South Pacific (Nellie), Pittsburgh Civic Light Opera and Birmingham Theatre; Guys and Dolls (Sarah), Denver City. Other Regional: Born Yesterday (Billie); Anything Goes (Reno); Lend Me a Tenor (Maggie); Romance (Josephine/Monica); How to Succeed…(Hedy). Love and thanks to Mom and Dad." - Playbill bio from Passion, February, 1995.

NEW PROPAGANDA AND MEDIA UNDER CUT: ALL POLLS HERE

"Has anyone given any thought to why all the frequent screen actresses who do a little stage show every few years are white blonde ladies of a certain age? Well, regardless, this white blonde lady is a tour de force on stage, and few other screen actors can say the same thing."

"Last propaganda was a eulogy, so let's make this one a celebration. Marin had a voice we will never hear the likes of again. She could be a bold and brassy broad with a belt that would make Ethel Merman jealous. And in the same breath, she could soar up the octave to shatter every glass in the room with a crystal-clear coloratura most singers only dream about. It didn't matter if it was a dirty ditty or a wrenching aria. She owned every song that passed her lips. When she walked into a room, she brought joy with her. She exuded light and happiness and love even to the end. She was truly a golden goddess of a woman with a naughty sense of humor that would have you rolling on the floor with laughter."

[princesssarisa]

Inspired by @thatscarletflycatcher's list of actors who have appeared in multiple Jane Austen adaptations, I've made a list of actors who have appeared in two or more adaptations of Brontë novels. I've covered all three of the sisters' books and included radio dramas as well as screen and stage adaptations.

*Timothy Dalton played Heathcliff in the 1970 Wuthering Heights film and Rochester in the 1983 Jane Eyre miniseries.

*Toby Stephens played Gilbert Markham in the 1996 Tenant of Wildfell Hall miniseries and Rochester in the 1983 Jane Eyre miniseries.

*Tara Fitzgerald went from playing Toby Stephens' love interest to playing his love interest's childhood abuser – Helen Graham in the 1996 Tenant of Wildfell Hall and Mrs. Reed in the 2006 Jane Eyre.

*John Duttine holds the distinction of having played both Heathcliff and Hindley Earnshaw in different Wuthering Heights adaptations: Hindley in the 1978 miniseries, Heathcliff in the 1995 radio drama.

*Amanda Root played Catherine Earnshaw in the 1995 Wuthering Heights radio drama and (showing her versatility) Miss Temple in the 1996 Jane Eyre film, as well as narrating the 2004 Naxos audiobook of Jane Eyre.

*Emma Fielding is heard in both the 1995 and 2018 radio dramas of Wuthering Heights: as Catherine Linton in 1995 and as Nelly Dean in 2018. She also narrates the 1996 Naxos audiobook of Jane Eyre.

*Geoffrey Whithead played St. John Rivers in the 1973 Jane Eyre miniseries and Mr. Linton in the 1995 Wuthering Heights radio drama.

*Jean Harvey appeared in both the 1973 and 1983 Jane Eyre miniseries: as Mrs. Reed in 1973 and as Mrs. Fairfax in 1983.

*Judy Cornwell played Nelly Dean in the 1970 Wuthering Heights and Mrs. Reed in the 1983 Jane Eyre.

*David Robb played the Count de Hamal in the 1970 Villette miniseries and Edgar Linton in the 1978 Wuthering Heights miniseries.

*Bryan Marshall played Gilbert Markham in the 1968 Tenant of Wildfell Hall miniseries and Dr. John Graham Bretton in the 1970 Villette miniseries.

*Sarah Smart played Catherine Linton in the 1998 Masterpiece Theatre Wuthering Heights, and Carol Bolton, the female Heathcliff character, in the 2002 TV film Sparkhouse, a modernized, gender-flipped retelling of Wuthering Heights.

*Holliday Grainger played Lisa Bolton, the female Hareton/Linton composite character in Sparkhouse, and Diana Rivers in the 2011 Jane Eyre film.

*Sophie Ward played Isabella Linton in the 1992 Wuthering Heights film and Lady Ingram in the 2011 Jane Eyre.

*Morag Hood played Frances Earnshaw in the 1970 Wuthering Heights and Mary Rivers in the 1983 Jane Eyre.

*Angela Thornton played Isabella Linton in the 1958 TV Wuthering Heights and Blanche Ingram in the 1961 TV Jane Eyre.

*Jean Anderson played Nelly Dean in the 1963 TV version of Wuthering Heights and Mrs. Maxwell in the 1968 Tenant of Wildfell Hall.

*Barbara Keogh played two unpleasant Brontë maidservants: Zillah in the 1978 Wuthering Heights and Miss Abbot in the 1997 TV film of Jane Eyre.

*Norman Rutherford played the lawyer Mr. Green in the 1978 Wuthering Heights and Sir George Lynn in the 1983 Jane Eyre.

*Anna Bentinck narrated the 2015 Dreamscape Media audiobooks of both Jane Eyre and Wuthering Heights.

*Janet McTeer played Nelly Dean in the 1992 Wuthering Heights film and reprised the role as co-narrator of the 2006 Naxos audiobook (she reading Nelly's narration, David Timson reading Lockwood's).

*Edward de Souza played Mr. Mason in two different adaptations of Jane Eyre: the 1973 miniseries and the 1996 film.

Adding Brontë family members and friends into the mix:

*Ida Lupino played Isabella Linton in the Lux Radio Theatre's 1939 adaptation of Wuthering Heights based on the 1939 film, and Emily Brontë herself in the 1946 film Devotion.

*Chloe Pirrie played Emily Brontë in the 2016 TV film To Walk Invisible and Catherine Earnshaw in the 2018 Wuthering Heights radio drama.

*Ann Penfold played Polly Home in the 1970 Villette miniseries and Anne Bontë in the 1973 miniseries The Brontës of Haworth.

*Gemma Jones played Mrs. Fairfax in the 1997 Jane Eyre and Elizabeth Branwell in the 2022 film Emily.

*Richard Kay played William Weightman in The Brontës of Haworth and Lockwood in the 1978 Wuthering Heights.

*Megan Parkinson played Catherine Earnshaw in the 2015 Ambassador Theatre stage adaptation of Wuthering Heights and Martha Brown in To Walk Invisible.

*Susan Brodrick played a barmaid in The Brontës of Haworth and Mary Rivers in the 1973 Jane Eyre.

I'm sure there are plenty more, but this list is long enough for now.

[tmvcreations]

Hey guys sorry for so many pictures, but i must give you all the full effect! Any wayyy lets get into it!! High School Daze features 18 different group poses. I had the idea for some at school poses as well as those fun nights we all had as teens, whether it was drinking, joy riding or enjoying some mary janee.

I started this pack originally when High School Years was released with the hopes of releasing it back then, but this pack has been a looong work in progress{along with other packs}. I also tossed the idea back and forth for awhile now releasing a baby themed pack but with infants release so close id rather wait so i can bring you my special poses but better! So ive finally put this all together for you guys and truly hope you enjoy what ive created.

These poses can be used in any type of setting, {it doesnt have to be high school} Teen thru Adult it dont matter.

Here are some quick descriptions, the accessories required and then download your little heart out!!!

Poses 1,2&3 Are group poses at the lockers*

Poses 4&5 are group poses of 3 friends, 2 walking, 1 on bmx fliriting

Pose 6 Is regular 3 friends non flirting version

Pose 7&8 Is of 2 friends sitting on the stairs smoking mary jane

Pose 9 is similar to 7&8 except another friend joins.

Pose 10&11 Is a 6 person group pose, 2 sims drinking whiskey from a glass, 1 sim smoking mary jane and 1 sim drinking JD from the bottle. These poses came to me as an inspiration when i saw this cute little hang out spot on a certian lot {Credit to Teamjezza for creating "Noo Yawk Block" on the Gallery}

Pose 12&13 Is a 5 sim group pose drag racing in a sense, 2 sims smoking mary jane.

Pose 14&15 Is a 7 sim group pose playing video games on the couch

Pose 16,17&18 is a 3 sim group pose joy riding in a jeep MANY THANKS TO THE CREATORS OF THE ACCESSORIES I USED.

REQUIRED

POSE PLAYER - https://sims4studio.com/thread/2617/andrews-studio

TELEPORT ANY SIM- https://scumbumbomods.com/teleport-any-sim

BMX - https://mxims.tumblr.com/post/172352368092/bmx-bike-7-swatches-6442-polygons-helmet

JAGUAR 2014 F-TYPE - https://www.lorysims.com/jaguar.html

MASERATI 2018 GRANCABRIO S- https://www.lorysims.com/maserati.html

BACKPACK - https://www.patreon.com/posts/road-to-nowhere-35571015

PURSE - https://www.patreon.com/posts/miyuki-coat-bag-74580167

BLUNT - https://www.patreon.com/posts/all-frxsk0-69821609?utm_medium=clipboard_copy&utm_source=copyLink&utm_campaign=postshare_creator

WHISKEY - https://melbennetts4.blogspot.com/2021/01/sims-4-whisky-collection.html

JEEP - https://www.tumblr.com/kyekyeke/172150466567/sg5150-1988-jeep-wrangler-top-down-fresh-prince

CONTROLLER - https://simcophogi.tumblr.com/post/176177884444/cool-kids-poses-for-the-lil-gamers-theres-an

STAIRS - https://mxims.tumblr.com/post/144154577767/industrial-u-stairs-deco-11-swatches-metal#post-notes

@ts4-poses @pixelfinds @wookyccfind @coffee-cc-finds @abigailbloom2022 @room215-reblog

!!!!!!!!!TELEPORTER PLACEMENT PICTURE BELOW!!!!!!!!!

Hope you enjoy! :) Any questions or problems please contact me.

DO NOT CLAIM AS YOUR OWN.

DO NOT RE-EDIT MY POSES.

DOWNLOAD LINK(sfs, ADFREE): http://www.simfileshare.net/download/3698293/

PLEASE PLACE TELEPORTERS EXACTLY AS YOU SEE THEM!

[finleyforevermore]

Reasons for liking them:

Waiting for the Drop:

The only opening that actually takes place on the Cyclone!

Makes the audience truly understand how they're all just kids who wanted to ride a roller coaster.

Perfectly walks the line between lighthearted carnival fun and tragedy.

Has probably the scariest (/pos) version of the crash.

Despite being the most separated from the earliest opening, Tragic Fact, it still works in the ascending scale and Jane's operatic notes.

Lots of pretty harmonies!

The Uranium Suite:

Is probably the best opening musically.

Subtly blends material from other openings into it.

Has this dreadful and ominous feeling throughout.

Feels too dark, but at the same time, the darkness is what makes it so good!

ALSO lots of pretty harmonies!

[clayteland]

"Don't let him use you like his doll"

After a while I decided she was the only good creepypasta I ever had back then, so I wanted to make a little fanart of my own character. Now let me explain a bit of what she is.

Doll is not a proxy. At least not anymore. She's against Slenderman for the trauma and mental control he had in her. There her phrase.

Cassandra, also known as Doll, is 178cm tall, is 21 y/o by now (2018, year of the au.), and barely remembers her past before being a proxy.

She has bi-polarity and low dementia detected, making her forget things and past memories slowly.

Doll had two personalities when she was in a phase of becoming one of Slendermans loyals, but after all, she never became completely a proxy for revealing against him and his mental control. Her personality as Doll was really aggressive and not capable of controlling her violence, and the other Doll acted like a crazy, loud, and maybe annoying blonde girl. This was all when she was 18 to 20 y/o.

Her personality is quite sassy, relaxed, confident, and peaceful. She also makes bad jokes when she wants to make the other laugh, but her jokes can be kind of... dark.

Right now, she's trying to stay in focus with a 'normal life', taking pills to not have more hallucinations. But this doesn't help much now and had some trouble walking around the wooden areas once again.

The ones that know her are: Ticci Toby, Kate the Chaser, Rouge the proxy, Nemesis, Xvirus, Eyeless Jack, Masky, Hoodie, Skully and Freddy Butcher. She also knows Nina and Jane, but she isn't close to them.

She still kills when she needs to, not even caring that are other proxys. If she's in danger, she won't try to check before committing a homicide.

[gatheringbones]

[“Trafficking anxieties have always been deeply tied to white nationalism. White women’s bodies – threatened by prostitution – come to stand in for the body politic of the nation, threatened by immigration. This is clearly legible in late-nineteenth-century concerns over ‘white slavery’, a panic that overtook Britain and the US in which campaigners thought that young white women were being lured into forced prostitution by Black and Jewish men. This panic was driven by the rapid growth of cities, women’s increasing migration to cities as workers outside the home, and fears around women’s economic independence, which combined with white-supremacist fears over ‘race mixing’ to create the conditions for a racist panic.

Academic Jo Doezema writes that the image of the white slave ‘in her ruined innocence’ represented ‘the real and imagined loss of American rural innocence’. Writing in 1909, the social worker and activist Jane Addams declared that ‘never before in civilisation have such numbers of girls been suddenly released from the protection of the home and permitted to walk unattended upon the city streets and to work under alien roofs’. Historians note that journalists’ breathless reportage of white slavery ‘provided virtually pornographic entertainment to the reading audience’. It was amid this obviously racist freak-out over swarthy men luring white innocents to their ruin that one of the first recognisably modern US anti-trafficking laws, the 1905 Mann Act, passed. The bill, which was ostensibly against forced prostitution, criminalised Black men in romantic relationships with white women. In the UK, white-slavery legislation passed between 1885 and 1912 ‘created provisions to monitor and restrict the migration of women’.

Little surprise, then, given these origins, that anti-trafficking policies are primarily either anti-migration policies, or anti-prostitution policies. Neither helps undocumented people, and both harm migrant sex workers, who are doubly in the crosshairs and disproportionately criminalised and deported.”]

molly smith, juno mac, from revolting prostitutes: the fight for sex workers’ rights, 2018

[burningexeter]

The Wildwood Universe

What is it —

A headcanon shared universe of all these different kinds of media from all genres that take place in the same universe. Different places, different times and most of all, different tones.

• Wildwood (2025)

• The Night Gardener (LAIKA)

• Oz (HBO)

• The Wire

• Breaking Bad

— Better Call Saul

— El Camino: A Breaking Bad Movie

• Sons Of Anarchy

— Mayans MC

• The West Wing

• The X Files (the first nine seasons)

— Millennium

— The Lone Gunmen

— Fight The Future

• Buffy The Vampire Slayer

— Angel

• Seinfeld

• Malcolm In The Middle

• Arrested Development (the first three seasons)

• Drake & Josh

— Drake & Josh Go Hollywood

— Merry Christmas, Drake & Josh

• Freaks & Geeks

• Undeclared

• My So-Called Life

• Dawson's Creek

• Party Of Five

• Skins (U.K.)

• Shameless (U.S.)

• Black Books

• The Office (U.S.)

• Parks and Recreation

• Modern Family

• Weeds (the first three or six seasons)

• Orange Is The New Black

• The Venture Bros.

— Radiant Is The Blood Of The Baboon Heart

• LOST

• Heroes

• Fringe

• Pushing Daisies

• Hannibal (NBC)

• Todd McFarlane's Spawn Trilogy (HBO)

• Baccano! (English Dub)

• Hellsing Ultimate (English Dub)

— The Dawn (English Dub)

• Black Lagoon (English Dub)

• Monster (English Dub)

• Death Note (English Dub)

• Durarara!! (English Dub)

— Durarara!! x2 (English Dub)

• Attack On Titan (English Dub)

• A Certain Magical Index (English Dub)

— A Certain Scientific Railgun (English Dub)

— A Certain Scientific Accelerator (English Dub)

— The Miracle Of Endymon (English Dub)

• Chuck (NBC)

• Brooklyn Nine-Nine

• NYPD Blue

• 24

— Live Another Day

• Prison Break (the first two seasons)

• Twin Peaks (Original Series)

— Fire Walk With Me

— The Return

• Tales From The Crypt (HBO)

— The first five episodes of Season 1

— Cutting Cards, The Thing From The Grave, The Sacrifice, For Cryin' Out Loud, Four-Sided Triangle, Judy, You're Not Yourself Today, Fitting Punishment, Lower Berth, Mute Witness To Murder & Television Terror

— Abra Cadaver, Top Billing, Easel Kill Ya, Undertaking Palor, Deadline & Yellow

— None But The Lonely Heart, On A Deadman's Chest, Beauty Rest, What's Cookin', The New Arrival, Showdown, King Of The Road, Maniac At Large, Split Personality & Strung Along

— Forever Ambergris, People Who Live In Brass Hearses, Two For The Show, Well Cooked Hams, Came The Dawn & Half-Way Horrible

— Only Skin Deep, The Bribe, The Assassin, Staired In Horror, Surprise Party & You, Murderer

— Fatal Caper, Escape, Horror In The Night, Cold War, The Kidnapper, Report From The Grave & Confession

• Thief (1981)

• Heat (1995)

• Reservoir Dogs

• True Romance

• Natural Born Killers

• Pulp Fiction

• Kill Bill Vol. 1 & 2

• Inglourious Basterds

• Django Unchained

• The Hateful Eight

• From Dusk Till Dawn

• Trick r Treat

• Krampus

• Doctor Who (1963 - 2017)

— Doctor Who: The Movie (1996)

— Torchwood

— The Sarah Jane Adventures

— Class (2016)

• Good Omens (Amazon Prime)

• Friday The 13th (1980) & A Nightmare On Elm Street (1984)

— Part 2

— Part 3

— The Final Chapter

— Jason Lives

— The New Blood

— Jason Goes To Hell: The Final Friday

— Freddy's Revenge

— Dream Warriors

— The Dream Master

— The Dream Child

— Freddy Vs. Jason

• The Evil Dead Trilogy

— Ash Vs. Evil Dead

• The People Under The Stairs

• Nightbooks (2021)

• Dog Soldiers

• Big Trouble In Little China

• Overlord (2018)

• Scream Queens

• Nip/Tuck

• Remedy Connected Universe

— Alan Wake

— Alan Wake II

— Control

• Borderlands (2009)

— Borderlands 2

— Borderlands: The Pre-Sequel

— Tales From The Borderlands

— Borderlands 3

— New Tales From The Borderlands

— Tiny Tina's Wonderlands

• Silent Hill (1999)

— Silent Hill 2

— Silent Hill 3

— Silent Hill 4: The Room

• Misfits

• Veronica Mars (Original Series)

— Veronica Mars (2014)

— Veronica Mars (Hulu)

• Bones

• Castle

• Attack The Block (2011)

• E.T.: The Extra-Terrestrial

• Family Matters

• The Fresh Prince Of Bel-Air

• Martin

• The Bernie Mac Show

• Pair Of Kings

• Beverly Hills Cop

— Beverly Hills Cop II

— Beverly Hills Cop: Axel F

• Rush Hour

— Rush Hour 2

• Friday (1995)

— Next Friday

— Friday After Next

• The 'Burbs

• Heathers

• Hot Fuzz

• Dead Like Me

• Wonderfalls

• Death Becomes Her

• Nope (2022)

• Close Encounters Of The Third Kind

• The Secret Of NIMH (1982)

• Contact (1997)

• Flatliners (1990)

• Rango (2011)

• The Spiderwick Chronicles (2008)

• The Mummy (1999)

— The Mummy Returns

• The Jungle Book (1994)

• The Invisible Man (2020)

• Wolf Man (2025)

• Ginger Snaps

— Ginger Snaps 2: Unleashed

• Let Me In (2010)

• Erma (Webcomic Series)

• Keeper Of The Lost Cities (Animated Series)

• MirrorMasks

• Gargoyles (Reboot)

• Huntik (Reboot)

• W.I.T.C.H. (Reboot)

• Walking Dead: The Animation

• The Dark Harvest (Animated Series)

• Knightriders (1981)

• Bioshock

— Bioshock 2

— Bioshock Infinite

• Call Of Duty: Modern Warfare (2019)

— Call Of Duty: Modern Warfare II (2022)

• John Wick

— John Wick: Chapter 2

— John Wick: Chapter 3 – Parabellum

— John Wick: Chapter 4

• Atomic Blonde

• Nobody (2021)

• Shaolin Soccer

• The Adventures Of Tintin (2011)

• Titanfall 2

• Snatch (2000)

And that is literally not even all of it.

It will continue, just give me some more time.

[thyme-in-a-bubble]

a list of some summer movies/series 🌞

hi hi hi!! it's just me, your friendly neighbourhood little organisation freak of a goblin here to give you yet again a list of some seasonal movies and series. this time, say it with me folks, summer! as always, just close your eyes and point somewhere on this little list, or even put the numbers in a generator and go with whatever the result is ♡

autumn | winter | spring

🐚 ‧₊˚ ⋅ movies ⋅˚₊‧

roman holiday (1953)

jaws (1975)

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[bottlesofrouge]

on one condition.

harry styles x original character

part three.

word count: 14K

warnings: homophobia

29 JUNE 2018

whatever made lynn think an hour drive with harry would be fine could not have been more wrong. the two left his apartment complex approximately fourteen minutes ago and they've already argued over what song to play a total of three times and just how high the air conditioning should be set to.

lynn thought 72 degrees was a decent temperature, but harry wanted it set to 62. it wasn't her fault he decided to wear a sweater vest in the middle of june.

a text from jackie comes through on the screen of the car which lynn is used to. but this time, harry's phone was connected to the apple carplay, and he's quick to close out the notification.

"how's jackie?" she can't help but ask.

"she's good," harry's smiling at his phone. "even better in bed."

lynn grips the steering wheel so hard her knuckles turn white. "that's good."

honestly, lynn wasn't mad. there wasn't a single part of her that wanted harry for herself. he simply wasn't her type (nobody was her type). however, there was something a little unnerving about harry having an entire college campus full of girls to sleep with and still choosing her childhood best friend.

harry was meeting her family for the first time today and to say she was nervous would be an understatement. she could barely stomach dinner last night and opted to skip breakfast entirely this morning. he wasn't always the most polite person to be around, and lynn was terrified to see how he acted around children.

"we should probably kiss or something," harry pulls her from her thoughts.

"i'm sorry?"

"you know," he waves his hand in the air. "to make it more believable or whatever. we haven't been affectionate around my parents at all, and we've been seeing each other for nearly a month. do you think you can handle it?"

lynn scoffs, "can you?"

"i'm certain i'll be able to hold back the vomit," he says. "nothing too crazy, either. it has to look natural."

"don't be silly," she turns into the parking lot of the performance center. "most men would die for a chance to taste my cherry chapstick."

"alright, katy perry," he rolled his eyes. "try not to look so stiff."

"what's that su-" she's cut off by the sound of harry's door slamming.

when she meets him in front of the car, he takes her hand and leans in with that god-awful dead stare on his face. the kiss is quick, and feels like it looks natural. (at least she thinks so.) lynn hasn't kissed anyone in years. she doesn't want to overthink it, so she pushes it to the back of her mind as the two walk hand in hand to meet her family.

it was just peter, kathy, and amelia, but lynn felt like her heart was going to fall out of her ass as she watched him shake hands with each of them. god, they were going to find out. lynn would never date someone like harry.

"you must be amelia," harry says. "your sister talks about you an awful lot."

lynn watches as amelia smiles at his lie. she had told him her name eight minutes ago and that was literally all he knew about her. the group moves inside and lynn sits in between harry and amelia with her parents on the other side of her sister.

leaning her head against harry's shoulder, she whispers so only he can hear her. "what? no hot and steamy texts that need your constant attention?"

harry hums, "probably. left my phone in the car though. wanted all my attention to be on lane's dance recital."

"jane," lynn corrects. "her name is jane."

"same thing," he rests his hand on lynn's knee, squeezing just once. "now relax, blondie. we have an hour of 'jazztastical fun'," harry underlines the words on the program they were handed at the door with his finger as he speaks.

"that's a stupid word," lynn leans back in her chair, harry's hand still resting on her knee.

"looks like we can finally agree on something."

she wasn't sure what she was expecting 'jazztastical' meant, but surely, it wasn't supposed to be this boring. being in one of the youngest classes, jane was one of the first groups to perform, leaving another five groups to follow after.

lynn usually left the second jane's group was finished, meeting her in the parking lot with a bouquet of flowers and her favorite chocolate afterward. this time she brought harry, and she was going to make him sit through every last second. it was only fair. she's sat through two of his family dinners.

the second family dinner wasn't near as bad as the first. although, this one only consisted of marianne and gemma (and as soon as they left, jackie). marianne brought expensive wine that gemma said paired exceptionally well with the pastries lynn had gifted them.

harry had cooked for them, and it was actually good, just like their dinner conversation. the whole event was a lot more relaxing without john's presence and lynn couldn't help but wonder if that was a common occurrence in the styles' household.

when they meet jane backstage after the recital, she's disappointed to see lynn without her flowers and her usual chocolate bar. and of course, because she's five, she makes it well known to everyone in the tiny room.

"no hershey's?" she looks up at her sister through her thick eyelashes, and god, was lynn done for.

so, because she's lynn, she offers to take her for ice cream across the street. harry doesn't seem entirely against the idea, but he doesn't seem too thrilled either. maybe he had a date with jackie that he needed to get back for. the thought of that makes lynn want to offer to drop jane back at her parents' house and amelia at her friends' just to make him even later.

so she does.

harry and jane both get mint chip ice cream and surprisingly jane actually likes it this time. she couldn't tell if she was pretending because harry liked it, but the girl wasn't complaining so she wasn't too worried.

"are you lynn's first boyfriend, harry?" jane says around a spoonful of her green ice cream.

harry clears his throat and amelia nudges her little sister, "she had one when you were a baby, janey"

"your recital was so good, jane." she rushes to change the subject, and lynn feels her face growing hot because she didn't realize amelia remembered anything about her last serious boyfriend. they never talked about him. "i'm so proud of you."

"ive honestly never seen a better pirouette," harry says, and lynn watches as her sister's face lights up.

"i practiced really good because miss tina said i looked sloppy."

"it looked great, janey. i wish i was half as good as you when i was a dancer," he smiles so warmly at the girl, lynn thinks it might melt all of the ice cream sitting on the table.

"what?" jane throws her hands up in the air and screams so loudly that a little bit of ice cream flies from her mouth. "i didn't know boys dance."

"aiden?" amelia says. "he's in your class, jane. you see him every day."

"oh yeah," jane turns her attention back to her ice cream, and lynn notices she's just eating the chocolate pieces out.

when they drop jane off, she insists on showing harry her entire barbie collection which consists of a total of 68 dolls. whoever said you couldn't buy a child's love clearly has never met kathleen.

lynn leans against the doorframe of her little sister's playroom and watches as harry moves a little doll around while jane's laughing the kind of laugh that is filled with so much happiness it hurts your stomach a little.

and lynn wonders this is the side of harry that jackie gets. the one that has her going to sleep with sore cheeks just from smiling so hard all day. lynn knows that she's not the most approachable, and usually, she's rarely anything but cold, but she can't help but wonder why harry didn't like her.

"harrrrryyyyyy," the girl whines. "dance with me."

"janeyyyyy," he mimics. "i can't. i haven't danced in a few years."

"that's okay. i'll teach you again," she takes his hand, and lynn expects harry to shake her off and decline once again. but, he doesn't. he takes her hand and lets her lead. and lynn stays hidden in the shadows, watching every giggle fall from jane's mouth earn a grin so big from harry, she thinks they might be warmer than luke's sunshine smiles.

peter invites them to stay for dinner, and lynn was about to decline when harry speaks for her and says they would love to stay. apparently, kathleen had spent hours in the kitchen, which was more time than lynn had seen her cooking throughout her entire life combined. peter had said they do big family meals like this once a week, and something deep inside of lynn twists. it was like her father's words tried to erase every night she sat at the breakfast bar alone, eating a kid cuisine that elena had made for her before going out with her friends.

she feels like she's watching this entire dinner play out from a spectator's standpoint. she wants to scream and yell that this isn't them. this is an act that her parents are putting on, and she has a reason to resent them. she really does. she wants to grab harry by the shoulders and shake him. beg him to see right through them because she didn't want to be made out as being the hateful firstborn who does anything to spite her loving parents.

instead, she twirls the spaghetti around her fork and takes another sip of her wine.

"i'm sorry," harry says to her once they're on the way back to his apartment. it was late. the sun had set hours ago, and the only thing lighting up her car were the street lights they passed every few meters.

lynn hums and keeps her eyes on the road because she's not really sure what harry's apologizing for, and she doesn't think she can handle a backhanded remark right now. spending time with her parents took almost everything out of her.

"i blew off your sister's first recital because kids don't like me and i didn't want..."

his voice trails off, and lynn can't hold back the eye roll.

"it's okay to say you didn't want to go."

"to disappoint you," harry leans his head against the window as he speaks, avoiding any possible eye contact with her. "i didn't want to disappoint you. or them. i don't know... probably all three of you all. i was scared."

"jane really likes you, harry. amelia, too. you don't have to be scared around us."

"yeah?"

"yeah," the silence that falls around them is almost comforting in a way, and lynn almost doesn't want to break it but it feels right. "and you are so good with them. especially jane."

she watches the way he smiles to himself in the reflection of the window. the silence is back and lynn thinks it deserves to stay after a day like today. harry closes his eyes, only for a second before opening them again and offering lynn a bed to crash in because he's seen her yawn twice.

and really, who is lynn to say no?

1 JULY 2018

they have their third styles' family dinner at harry's parents' house. he spent nearly the entire drive over there on the phone with his dad, begging him to treat lynn with an ounce of respect. in the end, they weren't allowed to talk about college, jobs, promotions, or income.

the gesture surprised lynn if she was being honest. after the first dinner, she didn't really expect harry to stand up for her at all. and it's not like he needed to. she was perfectly okay with doing it herself.

they remain in silence for nearly the entire drive. nothing but the sound of rain hitting the car could be heard. she wasn't sure if she should thank him for speaking with his dad, or if he was doing it out of guilt after what lynn had witnessed when she got to harry's apartment.

she had walked in on harry knuckles deep inside of jackie, and turned right back around and walked out without saying a word. she took the elevator down and paced around the hallway for a second before sending harry a text to let him know she was outside. she wasn't sure if they knew she saw them, but when harry got into the car with pink cheeks and stuttered over his words, her suspicions were confirmed.

"i was thinking," harry breaks the silence. "you can choose the music for the whole ride. my apology for what you saw earlier."

"i'll play whatever i want," lynn glares at him. "you're in my car."

"damn okay," harry raises his hands like lynn's got a gun to his head. "now i see what jackie means."

"what's that supposed to mean?"

he shakes his head. "said you hadn't gotten laid in a while and you'd probably be uptight all night."

the way lynn swerves when the words leave his mouth lets him know that maybe what jackie said should have been kept between just them.

lynn doesn't end up responding, and really, she shouldn't have to. because jackie knew the real reason she hasn't slept with anyone in ages and she can't help but wonder if she shared that with harry, too.

"i'm sensing you're mad at me," harry says.

"congratulations! you know how to read social cues," lynn rolls her eyes, and the car goes silent again.

when they get there, marianne was in the kitchen preparing dinner while john was relaxing in the living room. lynn could say a thousand horrible things about her own father, but when kathleen was up and contributing to the household, peter was, too.

"lynn, so nice to see you," john smiles at her, but makes no move to get up from the couch. "mari said you brought some lovely pastries last time. i was hoping you'd do the same this time."

"sorry," lynn says. "didn't have time to stop today."

the conversation dies right there as john doesn't bother to reply, and lynn takes it as as sign to go offer her help to marianne. she wasn't the best cook but certainly she would be able to chop an onion.

and maybe she was wrong. because marianne hands her a cutting board along with a knife and a few different vegetables. she slices one carrot and cubes a single potato before the woman puts her hand on her shoulder and asks if she would mind helping harry set the table.

there were only four of them, and they were having soup. setting the table was not a two-person job.

marianne's phone rings while she's trying to take a selfie with the two to send to gemma and she accidentally answers it. an older woman pops up on the screen, and lynn guesses it to be harry's grandmother.

"mom," marianne turns around so it's only her in the frame. she's smiling so brightly, but her tone is a little off. "is everything alright?"

"i just had some free time and i thought i'd give you a call," the older woman says. lynn moves behind marianne to finish setting the table. "is that gemma back there? put her on. i've missed my favorite grandchild."

"that's harry's girlfriend, mom."

"oh... he's there?" the old woman's demeanor completely. she went from sounding so incredibly warm to sounding ice cold with the sourest expression on her face in a matter of seconds. when marianne says yes, the older woman hangs up the call.

"harry..." anne looks up from her phone to look harry who hasn't moved from the spot in front of her.

"it's alright."

"i didn't mean to answer," she says. "i would never do that."

"really, it's okay," he offers her a warm smile, but lynn can tell that it doesn't really reach his eyes. at least not the way it did when he was dancing with jane.

harry excuses himself outside and lynn can't help but to follow when he doesn't return a few minutes later. she finds him sitting on one of the outdoor couches marianne and john have on their back porch. there's an overhang, but the porch isn't entirely closed in, so she's certain he's getting a little damp.

"hey," she leans over the back of the couch. "you alright?"

"hm?" he turns his head ever so slightly to see who it was. "yeah. i'm fine."

"yeah?" because it looks like you've been crying, she wants to say. "you sure?"

"yeah," he leans his face against her hand that's resting on the couch.

so lynn moves it to his cheek, and then his hair, and then to his shoulders, and she doesn't really know why she ends up massaging nearly every part of harry she can reach, but she does. because harry's sad and something really, really deep inside of her wants to make it better.

the way he leans into her touch is so soft, so unlike him. or maybe it is like him. lynn doesn't know. whatever he gave her was surface level and she's certain the most she'll ever get out of him is his favorite color.

"ah, you guys compliment each other so well," marianne's voice comes through the cracked back door. lynn feels her face burn at being caught. and also because how long have they been out there? "i don't want to interrupt, but dinner's on the table."

"thank you," harry says when it's just them outside. it's quiet, and he's following his mom inside before she even has a chance to respond.

dinner is less painful than expected. john follows all of the conversation guidelines he agreed to. except for once, when he made a sly comment about getting a college education. lynn would've made a slight deal about it, but harry had been nearly silent the whole dinner. the only sounds that came from him were the occasional hums of agreement and the occasional scraping of his spoon against the ceramic bowl. she thinks an argument with his father might be just what he needs to set him over the edge.

marianne surprises them with homemade brownies, and lynn ends up eating harry's for him because he said he didn't feel well and she didn't want to hurt the woman's feelings. and also they were extremely good.

when they leave, lynn has the leftovers in her hands, and harry carries the weight of the million 'i'm sorry's that his mom threw at him before they walked out of the door.

"are you up for a little drive?" lynn asks once they're both in the car. harry's putting his shoes on her dash, and she decides that she can let it slide tonight. just this once.

"where to?"

"no where in particular."

"i feel like this is going to lead to my murder," he reclines the seat and leans back, eyes closing.

"ha ha," her voice is monotone."i just," and she knows she shouldn't be prodding, but lynn couldn't help it. she's never seen harry act like that in the entire month she's known him. " i saw the way your demeanor changed after that call with your grandmother."

"lynn-"

"i know. it's not my place. i'm not asking you to tell me. we can sit in silence, or you can put music on. i'm not picky." she looks over at harry. "driving around is what used to help me."

"okay," he says. "but can we get tea or something?'

"sure," lynn opens her maps to see starbucks is the only coffee shop still open and she apologizes for it, but harry assures her that it's okay. starbucks tea was his favorite.

when they get to the drive-thru, lynn's annoyed to see that there's not a single tea menu listed on the board. she asks for a green tea, and the barista replies, asking if she was looking for the emperor's cloud or the jade citrus mint.

"i'll have a honey citrus mint," harry says. "i think you'd like the mint majesty. it's caffeine free, too."

"yeah? okay," she orders the two teas and harry insists on paying because it was his idea and really, she couldn't complain about free tea.

they drive in silence only for a few minutes before harry reaches for her phone to put on some music. he shuffles one of the 1975's albums. lynn really wasn't sure which one it was because she never listens to them, but it wasn't bad. and neither was her tea. in fact, it was good. better than good even. she loved it. lynn would be lying if she said she wasn't curious as to how harry knew she'd like it.

"are you sure you like your tea?" lynn says over a song change. "you've barely touched it, and i don't mind trading with you."

"i know. i used to get it whenever i was sick." his thumb traces the lid as he speaks. "it's more of a comfort thing i guess."

harry's sitting with his hang hanging low almost like it was too heavy for him to hold up. he's either looking at his feet or his face is pressed against the window. seeing him like this makes lynn finally crack, "are you sure you're feeling alright?"

"when my grandmother called my mom today," his voice was scratchy, and he pauses. lynn's not sure if he was clearing his throat or on the verge of tears. "it was the first time i've heard her voice in a year. she doesn't really like me."

"does your stellar attitude have something to do with it?" it was meant to be a joke but harry seemed to find no amusement in it.

"no, it's because i loved a boy."

she laughs a little because harry was the textbook definition of a straight male. besides the fact that he's probably slept with half of the female population, his attitude gave it away. lynn looks over at him expecting a joking smile to be sat on his lips, only she's met with the most stone-cold expression she's ever seen on harry's face.

"oh," she clears her throat and sets her tea in the cup holder. she wasn't expecting harry to be so honest with her. "well, your grandma fucking sucks for that."

"you really think so?"

"i do. i also think that you shouldn't try and change yourself because of your family's shitty opinions... i'm referring to the whole jackie thing if that wasn't obvious."

"wise words, lynn, and your reference was very obvious...but i also like women," he holds his hands in front of his mouth like someone had just told him some life-altering secret. "i know. shocking."

"i read a book in my gender studies class called compulsory heterosexuality. maybe you just think you do because that's what society tells you."

"i am extremely confident when it comes to my attraction to women," he has a small smile on his lips. "would you like a demonstration?"

"and there's the harry i know," she smiles at him, and he only stares at her. "what?"

"i don't think i've ever seen you genuinely smile," lynn wants to say the same about him, but that would be a lie because she's seen him smile with nearly everyone but her.

"yeah, yeah," she waves him off. "if you ever need to vent about your grandmother, i'm all ears. and for the small price of another mint majesty tea, i can even pretend like it never happened afterward."

"you know me too well," he says. "thank you for tonight."

"any time."

"do you think maybe i could sleep at yours?" he asks.

lynn's immediate response is to say no, but she doesn't. she lets a few moments pass and then settles for an "okay, but consider this your warning."

4 JULY 2018

when lynn warns harry about her place, he expects it to be a little messy. clothes thrown around the room, an unmade bed, and perhaps a spider or two lurking in the corner. or maybe it was in a busy neighborhood with lots and lots of loud traffic.

it's neither. lynn's studio apartment is located in a nice, gated apartment complex, far away from any busy street with lots of noisy cars. it's cluttered, but also extremely clean. it smells like freshly washed sheets that were hung on a beach to dry, but also like warm vanilla (which was also how her hands smelled when he pressed his face into them).

there's books laying on a desk in the corner, each one with a dog-eared page near the end. two half-empty mugs sat in her sink, and there was a bouquet of wilting flowers sitting in the middle of the counter. drawings and paintings from jane were stuck on her refrigerator with alphabet magnets, and pictures of her sisters hung front and center.

her bed was in the corner of the room. it was unmade but still looked clean if that made sense. you could tell the sheets were frequently washed and didn't have an ecosystem growing in between one of the layers.

her duvet cover was white, but the blush pink sheets poked out from underneath. and there was a stuffed bear that sat against one of the pillows that had a little too much wear to be amelia's or jane's.

the whole apartment was nothing like what harry imagined lynn was like underneath that cold, hard front she put up. he expected her apartment to be sterile feeling with little to no signs of life. he imagined it to be bigger and practically unused. but this was different. it felt like a home.

he doesn't know what lynn's warning was for until he's wearing her clothes and laying under the blankets that sat on top of some kind of rolled up mattress that she pulled out of a closet.

lynn pulls a key off of her nightstand, and walks over to the door where harry sees the four deadbolts lined up. she locks every single one of them, and then gets into bed, gripping the key in her hand.

"should i be scared?" harry had asked. he doesn't remember the area on the drive in, but certainly there's not enough crime to warrant four locks on the door.

"no," was all she said before rolling over, back facing him. "goodnight, harry."

he so badly wanted to ask what that was about, but he doesn't get the chance because when he wakes up, lynn's gone. nothing but a note stating he has to show up to her family's fourth of july party in return for her hospitality the night prior.

harry could say she's slept at his twice before and he's willing to call it even, but he kind of wants to hang out with her sisters again. so, he puts the note in his pocket, and steals one of her hoodies before calling an uber back to his.

he wasn't really sure what exactly consisted of a family picnic because growing up, the fourth of july meant sparklers and staying up past his bedtime and that was it. there was no family get togethers, and only on special occasions were they allowed to go into town to watch the fireworks.

so harry googles it, and decides to bring a side dish along with jackie. really, she caught harry as he was walking out of his front door, and harry's not one to turn down an environmentally friendly car pool.

"this is my first adams' family picnic," jackie says on the drive over. "silas always raves about them, but i've skipped them so much. lynn's stopped inviting me."

"she didn't invite you?"

jackie shakes her head. "honestly, i'm not surprised. she's been so forgetful recently," she takes his hand and presses her lips to his knuckle. "but, im happy to get to spend some time with you."

"yeah," harry says before thinking. he was okay with people thinking he was in an open relationship, but he wasn't entirely sure if his or lynn's family fit into that category of people. "actually, jackie, i don't know if we should in front of lynn's family."

the girl mumbles something under her breath and looks out the window.

when they get there, lynn's not answering her phone, so he follows jackie through the side gate into the adams' backyard. he wasn't sure what he was expecting, but it definitely wasn't lynn's entire extended family.

"harry, i'm so glad you could make it." kathleen seems to appear out of nowhere and hugs him. she kisses both of his cheeks and then moves to jackie and does the same to the girl. "and jackie, it's so nice to see you. it's been forever."

"it has, miss kathy," jackie grins. "thank you for having me."

"you know you're welcome anytime. and you, too, harry. you must be pretty special to lynn if she's kept you around this long."

"she's pretty special to me, too." harry smiles to hide the way his entire body cringes at the words, and hopes kathleen doesn't notice. he felt so awkward and out of place, and he didn't realize just how much effort lynn put into this whole thing. she was the one who usually took the lead and guided him through these conversations with her parents, and he felt he was a little too far in over his head without her.

what if he said the wrong thing and their parents found out everything was fake? he'd quite literally have to off himself if anyone found out that he was playing pretend with a girl his mom had set him up with at his big age of twenty one. that would be the worst thing to ever happen to him. even worse than the make shift intervention.

"how about we grab a drink?" jackie asks. her brow's raised and she has a smile on her face. harry thinks he'll need quite a few drinks to stomach this party, so he nods and follows her to the coolers.

a hour or two later, harry's stumbling through the sliding glass door that leads to the house. he's not really sure how much time has passed, but he's certain of two things.

1: he really needed to find a bathroom

2: one more drink and he would be borderline obliterated

jackie's behind him, wiping her wet feet on the mat outside. they had been sitting with their feet in the pool, sharing drinks supplied by peter and kathleen and sipping little pink whitney shooters jackie kept in her purse "for emergencies".

the two run into lynn in her parents' kitchen after leaving the bathroom. she was leaning over the counter, pouring some powder into a very expensive looking kitchen aid. silas, who harry didn't expect, was standing behind her with his hand on her lower back.

"hey you two," jackie draws the attention of the pair, her words slurring together.

"oh, jackie," lynn doesn't bother to turn around but harry can see her glance at silas. her voice is so monotone, and she doesn't even try to hide her lack of enthusiasm. "glad you could make it."

"figured you just forgot to text me," jackie raises her brows, and then a little quieter she says, "that seems to be a common occurrence lately."

silence floods the room for a second before silas steps away, extending his had to harry. "i'm silas," he says. "it's nice to finally meet you. lynn always has nice things to say."

jackie laughs loudly at this and harry feels so incredibly awkward. obviously there was some unresolved tension in the group, and perhaps he shouldn't have let jackie carpool with him after all.

"i could say the same," harry shakes his hand, and goddamn, did he have a grip. if silas squeezed any harder, harry thinks there wouldn't be a bone in his hand left unbroken.

"i hope so. she shouldn't have a bad word to say," silas's voice is so cool and even as he walks back over to lynn, pulling her hair from her shoulders. "had an accident a few years ago."

harry looks to see lynn smiling one of those rare, warm smiles she gave him that night in her car, but this time her smile's for silas. "resulted in a very unfortunate bob."

"hmm," jackie hums next to him. "wasn't as bad as your bang era."

harry clears his throat when he sees the very noticeable grown out bangs framing lynn's face. "i um-," he rocks back and forth on his feet, the pink whitney and beer bubbling up in his throat. "i made a pasta salad, but i think i left it on my counter. i'm going to-"

"what the fuck is going on with you, jackie?" silas turns around and has his back resting on the counter. his arms are crossed in front of him and he watches as lynn leans into him, her hand resting on his chest as she tries to whisper something to him. "lynn, no. she should go."

no one says anything, and harry cannot stop looking at the way silas stands behind lynn with his arm now wrapped around her, holding her against him like she needed some kind of protection.

"silas is right," lynn's voice is soft. "i'll pay for your uber, but you really should go. you're drunk."

"you're both crazy. i'm not drunk."

"we're crazy?" silas steps toward her. "jackie, you're the one who's been fucking lynn's boyfriend."

harry waits for one of the girls to correct silas because harry was lynn's fake boyfriend, but neither do, and harry can feel the cold sweat forming as the realization hits. jackie thought it was all real.

he looks up at lynn, and the look on her face was enough to make harry feel like he's been punched in the stomach, and he can't believe he was the cause of it. he wouldn't let things with jackie go as far as they did if he had known.

harry doesn't say anything when silas walks jackie out. honestly, all harry could think about was lynn and the thousands of ways he needed to apologize to her. maybe it was all the drinks, but he felt so, so guilty.

she's turned away from him, her attention back on whatever she was baking. "do you need any help, lynn?"

"i think you've done enough." as the words leave her mouth, he doesn't feel so bad anymore.. sure, he slept with jackie, but he always assumed she knew about their arrangement just like silas did. there were plenty of opportunities for lynn to tell him that she didn't and that the two seeing each other made her uncomfortable, but she never did. he wasn't going to take the blame for something he didn't know about.

"and what have i done exactly?" she starts pouring the batter into cupcake tins, and ignores his words. "it's okay to say you want me all to yourself, blondie."

"in your dreams, harry." she turns around finally, licking the spoon in a way that has harry's jaw going a little slack. "go do something. you're bothering me."

he hums for a second with his finger tapping his chin like he was actually pondering it, "i don't think i will."

"silas is outside. you could go see how many of my friends you can get to sleep with you."

"i'll think about it. he's not really my type."

"i thought you could always appreciate a good body," harry can't help it when he cracks a little smile.

it's quiet for a beat, and lynn goes to put her cupcakes in the oven. she's wearing a pair of jeans that fit her in all the right ways and when she bends down to slide the pan in, harry can't help himself. "why do you think i'm still sitting here?"

he hears lynn scoff, "i'm not sure what's more unappealing. your personality or the way you always seem to reek of a three day old hangover."

"not true. your father said i smelled lovely when i was sandwiched between him and your mother last night."

"i'll make sure to ask them about it when we're all having lunch," she stands with her back against the oven, now facing him. "maybe we can get the whole extended family's input?"

harry shakes his head and sighs. he leans against the breakfast bar, slouching over counter a bit. "i thought we were going to be more civil with each other, lynn,"

"you think fucking my best friend was going to have me kissing the ground you walk on?"

"how was i supposed to know you didn't tell her?" his arms are crossed in front of him. "you have silas all over you like a goddamn blanket and you expect jackie to think you're in love with me? come on, lynn."

"that's right, harry. blame everyone but yourself," she moves so she's opposite harry, palms smacking the granite counter. "have you been drinking?"

"yes?"

her eyes narrow. "you know, i'm starting to think your grandma was onto something when she stopped speaking to you."

harry sucks in a breath and he feels like the wind's been knocked out of him. he's drunk and there's tears pooling in his eyes, but he can't look away from her. lynn's staring at him with the coldest stare. like she meant every word she said.

"go fuck yourself, lynn." he flicks her off and turns on the balls of his feet, walking back out the sliding glass door. regret comes seeping over him because god, did he want to go home. he really shouldn't have had that much to drink.

he decides on going to sit in his car. he'd sober up and then goes to his parents. listening to a lecture from his dad would surely be better than sitting here and having to act like he wants to be anywhere near lynn. he was so incredibly stupid for thinking that a pointless car drive and a cup of tea was going to change anything about the relationship they had already established.

harry was so good at pretending to be someone he wasn't. he always tried to come off as someone who was always calm and kept himself together. he was confident in just the right ways, and everyone he met loved him. or at least what they saw of him.

there were plenty of people on campus who would say hi to him if they had passed each other in a hallway. they were friendly, not friends. and that was the perfect way to put it. he held everyone he met at an arm's length away.

harry spent years perfecting this stupid act he put on for nearly everyone he met, so he doesn't really understand why lynn seems to be the only person in the world that doesn't fall for it.

"harry!" he looks over to see jane sitting on the raft in a pool, a juice box in one hand and a popsicle in the other. "come push me around."

harry walks over to the edge of the pool, crouching down to be eye level with her. "well, aren't you bossy?"

she laughs and kicks her feet and it's so contagious, he can't help but smile. he doesn't realize the girls' grandmother is with them until she speaks from one of the lounge chairs, her face hiding behind a magazine.

"takes after her sister. that's why she has no friends."

harry's heart jumps in his throat when he sees the little girl start blinking rapidly through her pink flamingo sunglasses. so, he does the only logical thing he can think of, and gets in the pool with his tshirt on and sunglasses in his hair.

when he comes up, jane's peering over the arm of the floatie with a smile that's so big, harry decides he can look past the wet cotton sticking to his skin. "alright, sunflower. tell me where you want to go."

"sunflower? i'm not sunflower! i'm jane!"

"but, you're always so bright and happy, janey," harry laughs. "like a sunflower."

"mmm, okay," and then she offers him a bite of her popsicle which he would have declined in any other situation, but he did not want to see the little girl cry today.

he pushes jane around the pool like he's her personal servant for what feels like forever. she loved asking to go in to the deep end where harry could barely touch. the water would go up to his ears and he'd act like standing on his tip-toes was the most strenuous activity ever. her laugh drowned out every huff and puff her grandmother made, and harry felt like he could finally breathe when she got up and went somewhere else after asking harry if he could watch the little girl.

"how long can you stay under there?" jane says. "go under and i'll count."

and so harry does, and when he comes up, jane's at twenty seven and lynn's standing over him with her arms crossed in front of her chest.

"are you fucking kidding me?" her voice is quiet yet there's so much anger in every word she says. harry doesn't even know what he's done wrong. "you're embarrassing me. get some dry clothes on and act like the grown adult you are."

"lynn, i-"

she leaves before he can even ask what's going on, and when he turns around jane's looking at him with big eyes and her hands clasped together under her chin. "can we please play mermaids, harry?"

"of course, sunflower."

peter comes to collect jane later. it was time to eat and he had made her a plate. he offers to make harry one, too, for keeping jane busy while "the adults had fun" (as if he wasn't an adult himself). harry politely declines, and instead takes a seat in a lounge chair, wanting to do nothing more than to dry off.

and to also end whatever the fuck this thing he was doing with lynn had turned in to. they were supposed to be in a fake relationship in order to help stop their borderline insane mothers from meddling in their love lives and instead, harry was surrounded by fifty people he didn't know while lynn was god knows where. probably inside somewhere with silas's hands all over her.

it didn't make sense. why would she even bother to invite harry here when she all planned on doing was staying as far away from him as she could while leaving him to fend for himself. he knew five people here if you included her sisters and her grandmother that he had met briefly at the pool. he didn't even know her name yet he would go as far as to say he hated her for what she said around jane.

"hey, man," silas is sitting at the end of his lounge chair. he's got a pile of neatly folded clothes in his hand that he's holding out for harry. "i've got a change of clothes for you and dinner's ready if you're interested."

harry holds up his hand. "thanks, but i think i'll actually be going. you can tell lynn that this is done."

"listen," silas clears his throat. "lynn is my best friend, and i love her, but she was wrong for not telling you that jackie didn't know."

"you don't have to try to side with me or try to be my friend, silas," harry blinks. "or whatever you're trying to do really. i'm okay with you pretending i don't exist. just like lynn does."

"i'm not going to pretend you don't exist, harry. you two can talk when she wakes up from her nap." silas reaches out with the clothes again, and harry takes them. "meet me in the kitchen when you're ready. i got this new beer from the brewery in town you should try."

silas leaves and harry sits there for a second because what the fuck just happened? he half expected silas to rip his head off and call him a few nasty names before kicking him out of the party, and the other half thought the guy was just going to punch him in the face.

harry debates on calling it a night and going to his apartment instead, but a drink would be nice, especially if it was on silas's dime. so he changes in the bathroom and then meets silas in the kitchen where he has a two plates made and set in front of two cans of some kind of cherry pie cider on the breakfast bar.

"wow, silas," harry says. "are you wining and dining me?"

the guy laughs, face buried in the refrigerator. when he turns around, his arms are full of different condiments and he closes the door with his foot. "these stupid parties used to be so overwhelming for me. i used to always eat in here alone, just so i could have some peace and quiet."

"why are you doing this?" they're sitting next to each other now. silas stops eating, and wipes his mouth with a napkin before turning to harry.

"because you remind me of myself, and i know how hard these things were for me when lynn first started inviting me."

"It's..." harry doesn't really know how to explain how he's feeling, so he turns his attention to the pasta salad that was probably a hundred times better than the one sitting on his kitchen counter right now. "i don't know."

"a lot?"

harry nods. "i just don't think i'm a very social person."

"cheers to that," silas raises his can. "just because you and lynn aren't really together doesn't mean you should feel uncomfortable here." harry thinks if he responds, he'll end up crying. so he doesn't. instead he pushes his food around on the plate, appetite gone.

"pete asked me to start a fire afterwards if you wouldn't mind helping." silas continues, and harry nods.

when they're finished, the two boys go outside with a new cider in hand to where the fire pit was and start the fire that lynn's father had asked for. really, harry started it while silas sat and watched. he didn't mind though, harry was in eagle scouts growing up and building fires was probably the only thing he was good at.

when the sun begins to set, lynn's family moves few by few from the patio and pool area to sit around the fire. silas introduces harry to some of lynn's extended family members, and he starts talking to her aunt cece. she introduces him to her wife like it was nothing. and really, it shouldn't have been a big deal or anything. harry was just used to the judgmental stares and comments made by his family. it never really crossed his mind that entire families could be so accepting.

when his grandmother found out he was dating a boy, she refused to come to any family function he was at. the same with his aunt, uncle, and cousins. the two didn't want their kids around someone like harry.

jane squeezes between the two to sit next to harry on the bench, and she rests her head against his arm. kathleen's sitting across from them, and a few minutes later lynn (and silas of course) sit next to her.

"it seems like you've made a friend," kathy says.

"best friend," jane corrects. she sits up and smacks her hands on her lap. "nana said i didn't have any friends."

"what?" lynn's voice comes from across the fire. "when did she say that?"

"at the pool," jane's grinning. "but i know she was just joking with me. harry said he was my best friend when we were playing mermaids.

harry feels his face warm at her confession. "and i meant it, janey."

the little girl smiles at him in a way that makes it impossible not to smile back.

"we need to have a best friend tea party on saturday. with lots of sunflowers." she says, and then she sighs. "mom you said i could have chocolate if i ate all of my salad and i did."

the way her train of thought changes so quickly makes harry laugh.

i'll get you some, jane," lynn stands up from her spot and harry's quick to do the same and say he'll join her.

"lynn," he calls her name once they get inside. she's a few steps ahead of him and makes no move to answer.

"lynn," he tries again. "can we talk, please?"

she turns to look at him when they're both in the pantry. "there's nothing to talk about, harry." she bends down to get something on the bottom shelf, ignoring him once again.

"there is," he says. "because i don't want to do this anymore."

she tilts her head. "do what?"

"this," his hand is moving between them. "whatever this is. us. i can't do this anymore."

she rolls her eyes at this. "you can only pretend when it benefits you. got it."

"that's not-" his voice breaks, and he's been trying so hard to hold in everything all day. it all just feels too much, and he shamelessly wipes the tears as they fall. "do you not hear the way you talk to me? why am i always in the wrong?"

"sleeping with my friend and being so drunk you're swimming around in your clothes doesn't seem wrong to you?" she faces him with her arms crossed in front of her.

"what? that's not what happened."

"right," she rolls her eyes again and goes back to collecting what she needs. "this act is pathetic by the way."

harry doesn't understand how they even got to this point. he was hoping they'd have a little break up. he'd go back outside and say goodbye to jane, and maybe silas because being around him wasn't as bad as he thought it would be, and then he'd go home.

she turns her attention back to whatever she's been trying to reach for the last few minutes. harry's eyes follow her hand to see a box of graham crackers pushed all the way to the back of the shelf before reaching up to push them into her reach. he wasn't much taller than her but the extra few inches helped.

"your grandmother said jane was annoying and bossy," he feels his throat burn as he speaks and decides to leave out the part where she said that she was just like her sister. "i saw her face when she heard it, and i panicked. i didn't want her to think about it for another second, so i jumped in."

it's so quiet, harry can hear the way lynn swallows at his words. she says nothing though, so he decides to keep going. "you know that one phrase someone said to you, and maybe they didn't mean it, but it still sits in your head? i didn't want that to be hers. i'm sorry for embarrassing you, lynn."

"it hit a little too close to home for you, yeah?" lynn says, realization written all over her face.

"the hurt that comes with hearing someone you admire and love so much say those things about you..." fresh, hot tears are sliding down his face. "i'm trying really hard not to be mad at you because maybe you don't get it, but what you said earlier-"

"i know. it was horrible," she drops the smores ingredients on the floor so she can wrap her arms around him. "god, i'm horrible."

"did you mean it? what you said?"

"when we were in the car, yes," she pulls back so she's looking at him. her hands are still clasped behind him, fingers gently brushing against the nape of his neck. "i meant every word i said that night. but today, you brought jackie, and i didn't want her here. the things she said, and the fact that you two were sleeping with each other...i took it out on you when i shouldn't have. im sorry."

"i didn't know that she thought-" harry doesn't really know why he's sobbing so hard, but he can't stop. the rest of his sentence is stuck in his throat.

"i know," her hand cradles the back of harry's head, softly guiding his face into her shoulder. "i am so, so sorry."

they stand in the pantry for a little while. harry's face is pressed against her neck, and her hands are rubbing his back. she's gently rocking them side to side and harry feels a little sick for letting himself melt into her so easily. he's crying because of her, yet part of him knows he'd let lynn make him feel the way she did today a hundred times over if it meant she'd hold him so close that he could smell the vanilla on her skin.

"what i told you that night, it's not something i usually share," he says, voice a little scratchy. "i really don't want it brought up ever again."

"it won't be. i promise."

harry steps back, palms pressed to his eyes. "i'm sorry for crying this much. i just need a second."

"you have no reason to apologize," lynn's bending down to pick up the items she dropped. "i really am so sorry, harry."

"i know you are. it's okay," harry takes a deep breath and then grabs the chocolate bars from her, holding them in the air. "i think we've kept jane waiting long enough." he reaches for lynn's hand before opening the pantry door for the two. when they step out, peter's standing in the kitchen, staring at them. he's got a beer in his hand, and harry can tell by the way his eyes are glassed over that he wasn't really tuned in on their conversation.

lynn doesn't even acknowledge her father's presence. instead, she wraps herself around harry's arm and pulls him outside with her.

he roasts jane's marshmallow with lynn sitting on his knees, and after hearing harry say he likes his burnt, she decides that she does, too. which makes everything easier for harry and everything harder for silas who took on the chore of building the actual s'more.

when they're finished, lynn leans back against harry's chest, voice soft, "do you think we could be okay, or is tonight it for us?"

he looks over to see jane sitting on silas's lap, her hands and now silas's shirt covered in sticky marshmallow and decides that he could tolerate lynn's mood swings if it meant getting to experience this kind of normalcy again. honestly, today wasn't really normal. it was messy and chaotic and everything that comes with having a family this big, but harry misses the crazy family reunions and loud birthday dinners that came with his own family and maybe holiday picnics like this could fill that void.

"i think we could be okay again," the intensity of his voice matches her, and he can feel her relax into him when he speaks.

the group moves to the park where lynn and harry first met to watch the fireworks put on by the neighborhood. halfway there, jane starts whining about her legs hurting and that's how harry ends up with her on his shoulders.

marianne and john are there when they get there, and they're sitting on a blanket and talking to gemma and drew. harry can't remember the last time his parents came to the event, and he can't help but wonder if that was because they just never invited him.

amelia joins them, too, leaving her group of friends. she takes jane from harry, and silas follows them, leaving only harry and lynn to share the blanket she had brought.

when the fireworks start, she's sitting next to harry with her head on his shoulder and her arm wrapped around his. her fingers are brushing against his knuckles, and when she leans back to look at harry to see if he's enjoying it, he's already looking at her.

his free hand reaches for her face before he dips his head down and kisses her. if she were to ask about it later, harry would say it was because both of their families were around. not because he wanted to.

(he kind of did.)

22 JULY 2018

growing up, summer was harry's favorite season. summer meant longer days full of warm sunshine. it meant spending the weekdays at his nana's house, sitting poolside and eating the delicious homemade ice cream she made for him and gemma. her two favorite grandchildren, she used to say. he spent saturday mornings at soccer practice and afternoons at oliver's house where he'd stay until sunday evenings. his mom always picked him up with a hot meal ready for the jones family.

as he grew older, saturday morning soccer practice turned into rehearsing lines over breakfast with oliver. he'd driver them both to the boy's house (or occasionally his) friday after school and they'd leave together the following monday morning where they'd stop at the small coffee shop across town to get oliver his favorite coffee. really, harry hated coffee, but a hazelnut latte made by nora always made oli smile. and he loved seeing him smile.

maybe that's why weekends spent together went from playing video games in his parent's basement and sleeping on old recliners to sleeping in the boy's bed with his face buried in harry's neck, his lips pressing soft kisses on his shoulders.

so, by the time harry was a teenager, he not only loved summers, but he also loved the boy that he swore hung the stars in the sky and painted the grass green.

his favorite were the lazy afternoons they'd spend in his bed. the sun would peek through the blinds warming their skin, and oliver would mumble something about how they really needed to wake up before pulling harry closer and closing his eyes again. they'd wake up when his mom would come home from work, and they'd meet her downstairs. she always stood in the kitchen, standing over the stove and wearing a smile that was warmer than the sun outside.

harry practically spent his sophomore and junior year living at the jones's house. that family made him feel seen and safe and loved and so many other things, but not a single one of them was bad. his parents were so incredibly supportive of not only oliver, but harry, too. they always sat center of every single play he was in, regardless if oliver was in it or not.

his mom used to take the sweetest, most love-filled candids of the boys (some of which harry still had saved on his phone in a hidden album), and his dad even got him him first ever job working at his landscaping company. the jones's opened their home and their hearts for him in a way that harry would be forever grateful for for the rest of his life.

sometimes he thinks about reaching out to them, and offering the sincerest of thank you's. but every time his finger hovers over the send button, he decides against it, remembering the way the two looked at him the last time he saw them.

they had picked him up from his first ever party after he called them absolutely obliterated, even though it was in the middle of the night, and even though harry had broken their son's heart a week prior.

he cried in the backseat on the way back to his parent's house. he doesn't know how many times he said he was sorry, but mrs. jones looked over her shoulder at one point, saying, "we are, too, harry."

so, now, harry hates summer and it's long days and short nights. each excruciating minute of daylight that passes is usually spent with nothing but his thoughts and the cheapest bottle of hard liquor he could find.

harry had created the perfect routine.

4PM: wake up

4:05PM: get drunk

9:30PM: make an appearance at a party

3:00AM: contemplate his existence

3:03AM: spiral

3:05AM: go to sleep

the familiarity of it all was almost comforting.

however, all good things come to an end because at 1:20PM on this sunny sunday afternoon, harry was crouched next to an overflowing trash can, watching jane look for him from across the park. the sun was beating on his black t-shirt, burning the skin of his back, and he could feel the sweat droplets already forming on his neck.

the park was packed with kids. most of them were still dressed in their sunday best with a pair of ratty old tennis shoes on their feet, and he guessed it was the after church rush. they were loud and obnoxious, but watching the grin grow on janey's face as they made eye contact made every second spent here worth it.

a month ago, harry would have rather killed himself than be at a place like this, especially on a weekend. he hated the heat, he hated the noise, and most importantly, he hated kids. well most kids, with jane and amelia now being the only exceptions.

when he first met them, he thought that he would have to sit next to the two at an occasional family dinner and maybe laugh at a few of jane's unfunny jokes. and really, that was how it started, but it wasn't soon after that harry began to realize that lynn's parents weren't really as present as they seemed to be.

after jane's first dance recital, it was only ever lynn and harry in the crowd. she never invited him to family dinners, and she was often late to his own, usually meeting at his parents house after having dropped her sisters off at their house. when gemma had asked if they wanted to grab a drink with her and andy, lynn couldn't because her sisters were sleeping over and she couldn't be out late, and when she did make it to a lunch (which was during gemma's short lunch break), it was only because amelia agreed to watch jane for the hour.

both of the girls had their own drawer full of clothes at lynn's place, and there was three sets of shampoos and body washes in her shower accompanied by three loofahs hanging on their own hooks. she had a carseat for jane in her car and an old booster seat hidden in the top of one of her closets which harry guesses to be amelia's from years ago.

he felt bad that all of these responsibilities were dumped on lynn, and he felt even worse for jane and amelia. harry decided that he could sit through a few barbie movies and color a few pages in a coloring book if it meant lynn could have a break, and jane wasn't left to entertain herself.

the little girl ran towards him, giggles falling from her mouth as she did. jane leapt towards him when she was close enough, her arms clinging around his neck and her feet around his waist, "found you."

"you did," harry's fingers tickled her sides. "let's go get that ice cream i promised you."

lynn went into the bakery today, and harry had so graciously offered to relieve her of her babysitting duties. really, he owed her big time. lynn had went to check on harry after he had intentionally been ignoring her for a few days, and she unfortunately walked in on him and some girl from the bar.

if that wasn't embarrassing enough, harry cried as soon as her saw her standing in the doorway with her face in her hands. he still blames what happened next on the liquor, but he didn't really remember much of that night (like who the girl was, when she left, how he got dressed, and why lynn was sitting on the edge of his bed). the feeling came bubbling up in his throat so quickly. he felt almost frozen, and ended up throwing up all over his bed and all over lynn.

that only made him cry harder. it was the kind of sob that dug deep into your chest and came back up feeling like it was ripping you apart from the inside out.

lynn showered first, and harry sat against the bathroom door, offering thousands of drunken apologies and also a pair of his most comfortable sweatpants and an old tshirt that was so worn it felt silky. they didn't speak at all after that, but after harry's shower, he was greeted by a freshly made bed and the faint sound of his washing machine running.

lynn was under the covers of his bed and harry could see the blush pink sheets bunched around her waist. she set her phone down when she saw him, and patted the spot next to her. "i was coming back from doing laundry at my parents, and i didn't know where you kept your spares."

he could only muster up enough strength to nod before collapsing into bed next to her. she was looking down at him, and he felt like she was looking down on him, too. he cried some more.

harry expected lynn to leave, but instead she rolled on to her side to face harry. she rested her hand on his cheek, her thumb wiping away any and all tears of his that fell. she smelled like him and his bed smelled like her and everything was not enough yet so much at once. he was absolutely exhausted. so, harry let his eyes close and fell asleep to lynn caressing his face with her fingers softly running against the back of his neck like they often did. it all seemed a little too intimate, but when harry woke up, lynn was gone, and the two hadn't spoken since. she never texted or called and harry was too embarrassed to be the one to do it first.

"i want the green ice cream like you," jane says. she's sat on his hip watching the worker scoop out his double scoop of mint chip.

"you don't like mint," she scowls at him. "how about you get the chocolate chip? that way we're still matching with the chocolate pieces."

"hmmmmm," jane taps her finger on her chin like she's in deep thought just like lynn does when she thinks. "i guess so."

harry hands jane her ice cream, and moves to the counter to pay. lynn's bakery was just around the corner, and he knew that she would be joining them when she was finished so they could go back to his apartment for her car, so he orders a third ice cream for her (chocolate with rainbow sprinkles). she had ordered it the day he had met her family at jane's dance recital, and he figured it was something she liked.

"you were right," she talks with her mouth full of ice cream, and it makes harry's skin crawl.

"about what, sunflower?"

"this is good," harry can feel her feet kicking under the table. he wishes he could be that young again, where his biggest worry would be wondering if he would like chocolate chips and vanilla ice cream together.

he sees lynn walking through the door over jane's head. she's got a finger pressed to her lips and harry can tell she's walking on her tip toes. she walks slowly all the way up to their table, and wraps her arms around jane from behind.

"hi baby," she kisses the top of jane's head before moving over to harry and doing the exact same thing to him. "and my other baby."

her arms are warm against his skin, and he can feel her lips in his hair before she moves across from him and takes a seat next to jane.

her hair's pulled away from her face, and she has flour dusting her (harry's) sweatshirt. she smells like strawberries and her usual warm vanilla, and when she sees the third bowl of ice cream on the table, she looks at him with a smile warmer than her skin sitting on her lips.

"how was work?" harry asks. he pushes the chocolate ice cream towards her, and she scrapes the sprinkles off and into jane's bowl.

"it was so good," she says. "i had quite a few orders to catch up on."

she speaks so slowly. the words are falling off of her tongue like they're honey and she's leaning all the way against the wall, like the weight of her was just too much for her hold up for a second longer. harry doesn't think he's ever seen her so relaxed.

"mom's coming to get you, jane," lynn speaks around a spoonful of mint chocolate chip ice cream.

"can't i just stay with you?" jane's folding her hands together in front of her face. she's looking up at lynn with big eyes and her bottom lip pushed out. "please?"

"no, i'm spending time with harry tonight," harry expects jane to ask again, but she just sighs, turning her attention back to her ice cream.

kathleen comes a few minutes later. she's dressed in a freshly pressed business suit, and she walks in on what seemed like an important phone call. she only mutes it for a second, just long enough to ask harry where he planned on taking lynn to dinner tonight.

"i'm cooking," harry says. really, he could not recall a single plan they had made, and he can't tell if there was actually something they were supposed to do.

"oh, she'll love that," kathleen deadpans, almost like lynn's talked bad about his cooking before, and then she leaves. no thank you to harry, and no thank you to lynn, who spent more time with her children than she did.

"classic kathy," lynn stretches her arms above her head, and yawns. "thank you for watching her, and for the ice cream... and for letting me have some of yours, too."

harry smiles, and then, he really can't help himself, "you spend more time with jane and amelia than she does."

"and that's why i've kept you around," she says. "you don't know how many times i've gotten out of babysitting by saying you had something planned for us."

"and here i thought you liked having me around, lynn," she gives him one of those warm smiles again. one so bright that harry can't help but to smile back. "do you want dinner? we can get takeout on the way to mine."

"okay," lynn replies. "my treat."

and really, who was harry to argue with that?

✮✮✮

lynn sat on harry's couch, her feet tucked underneath her. she had a container of lo mein in one hand and a pair of chopsticks in the other, and her eyes were focused on the tv where harry was scrolling through the netflix recommended tab for what felt like the hundredth time.

"are you on something?" harry's voice comes from the other side of the couch. his eyes are glued on the tv screen as he speaks, finally settling on some new release that lynn hasnt even heard of.

"what?" she raises her eyebrows. "what makes you think that?"

"you seem so relaxed," he shoves a spoonful of rice into his mouth, and the way he holds the spoon is so childlike, lynn can't help but laugh. "what?"

she shakes her head. normally, she'd love to make a little dig at harry, but after what happened the last time she was over, she didn't know just how far she could push him. "i like my job, harry. that's all."

and it was true. she loves her job, especially the long days she gets to spend in the bakery with the lights so dim she could barely make out the order sheets that were left behind by her staff. they all worked so hard, and made lynn's life a hundred times easier. the least she could do (besides paying them a decent salary) was go in to play catch up while they all got to enjoy a day off.

lynn technically started her business when she was a child. she had seen one of those 'tasty time' episodes on disney and was a little more than inspired. summer days were spent perfecting her recipes with elena. the woman would write down the recipes inside composition notebooks with glitter pens as they went. sometimes they got it right the first time, and other times they had to break out elena's stash of white out.

out of the fifteen notebooks they managed to fill in their time together, lynn used just a few of those recipes today. six to be exact, and they were sold both individually and in a pack which was named 'the base-ics'. the flavors were pretty simple, and they were the base of everything that she, with the help of elena, had created today.

whenever she thinks about elena, there's a deep ache that makes its way inside of her chest and then down to the pit of her stomach. lynn doesn't think there's a single person in the world that she'll love more than she loved elena. the woman practically raised her, and then once amelia turned two, elena never came back and kathleen left lynn to fill the au pair's shoes.

harry finishes his take out container of rice first, but he waits for lynn to finish hers before taking everything to the kitchen and returning back with two mugs in his hands.

"tea?"

"sure, thank you," lynn takes the cup from him and then stretches her legs all the way across the couch. it was meant to annoy harry for no other reason than her own enjoyment, but he doesn't seem to mind. instead, he sits on the floor, his back leaning against the bottom part of the couch. when the episode ends, harry leans back so his head is on the cushion, and he's looking at lynn. "do we have to talk about it?"

and by the way he's looking at her, she knows exactly what he's talking about. the night she spent in his clothes and in his bed.

she'll admit that his lack of responses did worry her a little bit, but after her seventeenth text (she counted), the no replies made her more furious than anything. she went over to his apartment after the most grueling dinner with kathy and peter, and was intending on absolutely ripping his head off because she had showed up for everything he had asked her to, and he couldn't even give a text back.

"not if you don't want to," her fingers brush his hair away from his face, and she can feel the air from his sigh of relief on her skin. "you should've told me that you don't have a guest room, harry. i didn't know i was kicking you out of your bed every time i stayed over."

pink floods his cheeks so quickly that lynn can feel the heat radiating off of them. "i don't mind."

"you should," she says. "where do you sleep when i'm here?"

"i keep a few extra pillows and blankets in the closet of the office," he clears his throat. "usually on the couch or the office floor."

"you deserve your bed. next time i'm over i'll take the floor."

silence falls over them, but harry's still looking at her in a way that she can't really read. it feels like it's been forever since she's gotten to take harry in like this. his hair was messy and still a little damp from the shower he had taken before they ate. his skin was tanner than when she first met him, the green of his eyes seemed brighter, and his lips looked softer, but maybe that was because she knew how they felt pressed against her own.

"take a picture," he smiles one of those lopsided smiles. "it'll last longer."

and she doesn't really know what possesses her to, but she does before turning her phone around for harry to see. "it's cute. i think i'll keep it."

harry hums and closes his eyes, and lynn can't help it when she involuntarily reaches out and lets the back of her hand brush across his cheek. she still thinks about what she said to him at her fourth of july party and the way he cried that night when she can't sleep. she never wants to make him feel like that ever again.

"can you do dinner with my parents tomorrow? my mom's been asking about you," he speaks with his eyes close and presses his lips to the back of lynn's hand before sitting up.

"i can't," she says. "that's what i was calling you about. we're going on vacation for jane's birthday. she wanted you to come."

"when?" his whole body is turned to her now. "god, lynn. i'm sorry."

"don't be, really. we're leaving tomorrow so it's really not-."

harry stands up and disappears into what lynn had once thought was the guest room, and comes back out with his laptop. he picks up her feet and sits down before letting them rest on his knees.

"here," he turns his laptop towards her with the page for google flights pulled up. "put in all the dates and everything."

and so she does, and nearly winces at the big, green '$803' that pops up on the screen. "harry, that's crazy. we can get a cupcake or something when we're back."

"it's okay if i book this? there's room for me still?"

"there's room, but-" lynn's cut off by the sound of the mouse clicking and harry closing his laptop.

"daddy's money," harry says. "he'll be fine."

"another reason for him to hate me."

"he doesn't hate you, lynn," his voice is unconvincing, and he's already changing the subject before she can press further. "where are we even going?"

"flying into miami and then we have to drive. just a typical beach vacation."

he nods. "okay. send me a bill for whatever i owe you. i'll venmo or zelle or whatever-"

"no need," lynn interrupts him. "mommy's money."

lynn sits on harry's bed next to his open suitcase while he brings out stacks upon stacks of clothing, not really knowing what he should pack. it was a little comical to see him run around, stressing over what to wear as if peter and kathleen really cared. when he found out her aunt cece was coming too, he dumped all of the contents out of the suitcase and restarted, claiming that he needed to impress her and that straight people wouldn't understand.

when he's in his closet, lynn slips a few tshirts and a pair of swim trunks that harry had decided to leave behind in a pile on his dresser. she'll admit, mick jagger comments aside, harry was a good dresser, great even. he was packing all of these button ups and shorts and jeans, and she just wanted him to have some more comfy options if ended up wanting them.

(and also she kind of wanted to see him in the bright yellow swim shorts.)

it's nearing midnight when she finally leaves. harry walks her to the door, and when they open it, jackie's coming up the staircase. lynn does the only logical thing she can think of and kisses harry. he seems a little surprised, but once he realizes what lynn's doing, he leans into her more so they're stepping out into the hallway and sucks on her mouth in a way that has some pretty obscene sounds coming from the two of them. he kisses her with one arm wrapped around her waist and his other hand holding her face. lynn tries her best to not think about the way he whines into her mouth after every suck or just how good his mouth feels against her.

they break apart when jackie's door slams shut, and harry presses his lips softly against the corner of her mouth twice before letting her go.

"i'm sorry," she watches as he wipes the wetness off of his lips with his tonguge. "that was.. i shouldn't have."

"i kind of owed you anyways. from the other night," his face glows pink at the thought of it. "plus we should probably kiss more anyways. we're supposed to be comfortable with each other right?"

"yeah, yeah," she nods. "you're right."

"can't have you looking all rigid every time i try to hold your hand on vacation," a teasing smile makes it's way to his lips. "i'll see you tomorrow, lynn."

"goodnight, harry," she hears him close the door when she steps into the elevator, and as soon as the doors shut she feels her heartbeat speed up.

✰✰✰

a/n: i literally have nooo idea how i forgot to post the 22 !!!! i feel like so many other parts allude to this one too

[astrangetorpedo]

boygenius: “This is the time we finally get to be around each other – we’re gonna enjoy it”

As they release The Record, one of the year's most anticipated and acclaimed debut albums, we meet Phoebe Bridgers, Lucy Dacus and Julien Baker in New York City to discuss their unique creative bond

by Gemma Samways

Tonight, the room is playing host to the 36th annual Tibet House US Benefit. Curated by Philip Glass – and featuring Laurie Anderson, Arooj Aftab and Bernard Sumner and Tom Chapman of New Order – the line-up reads like a particularly A-list episode of Later with… Jools Holland. It soon transpires its staging is similarly chaotic, with the event running approximately an hour behind schedule and artists often walking onstage unannounced.

boygenius are one of the few acts to enjoy a proper introduction. Added to the bill just 24 hours ago, their first public appearance in almost half a decade has prompted a frenzied, last minute scramble for seats, with $35 tickets exchanging hands for ten times that amount. A day later, in a photo studio in the East Village following our shoot at Jane’s Carousel in Brooklyn, the trio admit to having felt a little freaked out in the build-up.

“I was really emotional because I’ve been obsessed with Nina Simone’s Carnegie Hall album of late,” Lucy Dacus confides, sat on the sofa, sandwiched between her bandmates. Julien Baker nods, confessing to having been “so stressed about doing my job that I couldn’t fully absorb that I was playing alongside living legends.” Meanwhile, Phoebe Bridgers was still semi-delirious with jetlag, having recently landed back in the US from Japan.

“Look at this photo,” she laughs, extending her phone to me. Taken pre-gig, it shows her passed out on the dressing room floor while Lucy smirks in the foreground. “With full make-up, I look like I’m in an open casket. And because Julien was playing piano, I was having Julien-fuelled dreams.”

Certainly there were no visible signs of unease as they stepped out onstage to play stripped-back versions of ‘Not Strong Enough’ and ‘Cool About It’ – taken from their long-awaited debut album The Record – for the first time. And despite the all-star bill, the supergroup proved one of the night’s biggest draws, eliciting excited whoops from an audience who had greeted every other performer with respectfully restrained applause. Ultimately, once they started playing, they enjoyed the experience.

Less gratifying was the discovery that a group of particularly intrusive fans had tracked down their hotel after the show. “They were like, ‘Don’t worry, you’re safe’,” Lucy shudders. “And it’s like, ‘No, we aren’t: how’d you find out where we are? That’s stalking. Don’t do this.

Phoebe continues: “I mean, interactions with fans can be really sweet, especially when it’s a show like Carnegie Hall which might’ve been hard to get tickets to. But often there’s this weird thing where the rudest people bubble to the top, and the poor kid who just wants their record signed is too nice to ask. And so, while I’m trying to escape the fucking full-grown man who just grabbed me, I’m ignoring the sweet kid.

It’s fair to say a certain level of hysteria has surrounded boygenius ever since their formation. Five years ago they were all ascendant stars of the alternative scene, with the Tennessee-born Baker and Richmond, Virginia-raised Dacus being the most established, with two acclaimed albums each. By the end of 2018, the trio were being breathlessly billed by Vogue as “the Infinity War of female-led indie-rock outfits,” while their self-titled EP received widespread praise.

Objectively, it’s a collaboration that made – and still makes – total sense. Despite outgrowing their respective DIY scenes, they had each retained a fiercely independent outlook and an emotional authenticity, and that struck a chord with similarly principled, serotonin-starved audiences. Just as tantalisingly, interviews and social media interactions revealed that they didn’t take themselves especially seriously and seemed keen to distance themselves from the pedestal that fans were so intent on putting them on.

“It’s probably refreshing that we’re not character artists,” Lucy says when asked to summarise the appeal of boygenius. “Because ultimately we’re talking to you now how we usually talk to each other. Even when I’m doing my own [solo] stuff, I present a curated version of myself – like, I pick one aspect of my character per album to share. But with this band it’s totally artless.”

It’s not hyperbolic to suggest that The Record is one of the most anticipated albums of the year. To some degree that demand can be explained by Baker and Dacus expanding their fanbases further off the back of their 2021 solo records Little Oblivions and Home Video. But the real responsibility for the band’s reach surely lies at the feet of Bridgers, whose second album was nothing short of a cultural phenomenon.

Unanimously agreed to be one of 2020’s standout records, Punisher propelled the Pasadena-raised artist into music’s A-list, resulting in four Grammy nominations, an offer to found her own label (Saddest Factory, home to MUNA) and invites to collaborate with household names like Paul McCartney, SZA, Lorde and The 1975. Just days after our interview Phoebe is named one of Time’s 2023 Women of the Year, alongside Cate Blanchett and Megan Rapinoe. This coming May she will open for Taylor Swift in Tennessee, Pennsylvania, Massachusetts and New Jersey.

Despite the difference in their public profiles, the power dynamic in boygenius appears impressively balanced. A friendship first and foremost, they’ve signed the contract by acquiring matching tattoos of a tooth and of a cluster of goblets, the latter inspired by the tarot card the three of cups.

“That’s based on the first tarot reading Julien ever got,” Lucy – the band’s resident tarot expert – recalls fondly. “We were all together and that’s the first card she pulled. Plus it’s three women partying. Friendship is the highest form of love and that felt like a sweet entry into that world.”

Having been raised in the world of evangelical Christianity, Julien was initially resistant to the idea of tarot. “When you started doing a reading, I got up and sat in the tour van by myself because I thought God was gonna steal my soul,” she explains, totally serious.

“Does God do that?!” Phoebe laughs, incredulous.

“Yes! In [the book of] Samuel! But then I was like, ‘Alright, I trust you guys. I guess you can guide me through this.’ That was a fear that you guys helped me dismantle. Because by watching you engage with it, I realised that this was a tool for self-interrogation, not for summoning the devil.”

Within the band, all decisions are made democratically and affectionate ribbings are a big part of their social currency. “Roasting each other is an act of love,” Julien reasons, to the others’ approval. “If your friends aren’t talking shit about you, I don’t think they care about you.”

With Phoebe based in Los Angeles, Lucy in Philadelphia and Julien in Memphis, they largely stay in touch via group chat and FaceTime – a support network they all clearly cherish. “I can text cold something horrible that happened to me and not feel the pressure to look at my phone for hours,” says Phoebe. “But when I do I’ll see a bunch of validation.”

Julien concurs: “It’s neat that we can confide in each other. Because sometimes my sense of imposter syndrome makes me not want to talk about how excited I am about this with friends who don’t work in music. I’m talking to them like, ‘You gotta get on a plane super early and carry all this heavy equipment, so it’s not all fun.’ And having people understand it’s a job and that I’m dedicated to it is very important. But equally, with y’all I get to be like, ‘Shit’s so fucking sick!’ Like, in this band I get to be the type of excited and thankful that lacks decorum, especially when there are so many talented people in my life where our roles could have been switched in an alternate timeline.”

The roots of boygenius were laid in 2016, when Julien and Lucy performed on the same bill in Washington, D.C., followed by Julien meeting Phoebe a month later. When a canny promoter booked all three to tour together in 2018, they decided to record a collaborative seven-inch, a creative experiment that proved so fruitful they emerged with their eponymous EP.

By all accounts, the story behind The Record is similarly stress-free. Phoebe kickstarted the creative process just a week after releasing Punisher, sending a demo of ‘Emily, I’m Sorry’ to Lucy and Julien with the words, “Can we be a band again?” From there, the floodgates opened, with all three uploading demos to a shared drive, followed by two in-person writing trips – one in Healdsburg, California in April 2021 and another in Malibu in August of the same year.

Though carefully scheduled due to their individual work commitments, Lucy describes these retreats as anything but regimented. “We didn’t intend to work that hard,” she insists. “If anything, the regimen would have included breaks and we didn’t allow ourselves those.” Julien expands, “We’d be like, ‘Okay, today is a chill day,” but then we could not stop thinking about the record. And it’s just nice to be around a bunch of people who are passionate about the exact same thing.”

After whittling down the demos from a pool of 25, the final 12 were recorded at Rick Rubin’s Shangri-La studio in January 2022, with the help of co-producer Catherine Marks (Wolf Alice, Foals, PJ Harvey). Lucy specifically cites Marks’ work with Manchester Orchestra as a motivating factor for them initially reaching out, and Phoebe enthuses about her hands-on approach. “She’s the kind of producer that immediately kicks off their shoes. Wait, I’m gonna text her and tell her we’re talking about her.” She takes a group selfie of them all grinning, flicking Vs, and hits send.

Other key contributors included engineer and producer Sarah Tudzin (Slowdive, Weyes Blood), plus Jay Som’s Melina Duterte on bass. Melina will also appear as part of Boygenius’ seven-strong touring line-up, set to be unveiled at Coachella in April. Given that their band name specifically mocks society’s tendency to unfairly exalt male creatives, the idea of boygenius assembling a largely female team for this album feels satisfyingly utopian. Today, they insist it was purely circumstantial.

“They are the best people we could think of,” says Lucy. “Some days I’m like, ten-year-old me would feel that this is very important. But also there are days where I’m like, we’re doing press right now and it’s completely uninteresting that we’re women. Why are we talking about this?”

“Plus, it’s not a given that if you work with women you’re not also working with a bunch of assholes,” Phoebe grins. “Fortunately, we picked a bunch of people who aren’t assholes.” Lucy laughs. “Women can be assholes: there’s your pull quote.”

Sonically, The Record is a much richer, more ambitious collection than anything boygenius have produced previously, taking in widescreen folk-rock (‘Not Strong Enough’) and low-slung punk (‘Satanist’, ‘$20’), campfire folk (‘Cool About It’, ‘Leonard Cohen’) and string-flecked dream-pop (‘Revolution 0’), plus a swooning a cappella piece shaped around a lush three-part harmony (‘Without You Without Them’).

Though written by Lucy, Phoebe can take full credit for unearthing the latter. “I was like, ‘I want a song that’s like ‘Blue Velvet’.’ And Lucy’s like, ‘Oh… Actually I might have a song…’ And I’m like, ‘What the fuck are you talking about?!’”

“It was a washing the dishes song.” Lucy protests, smiling. “There’s, like, this whole category of songs that I don’t show people. And I didn’t think of that as a ‘me’ song because it doesn’t sound like what I do, you know? But Phoebe was like, ‘We have to do it.’ Plus, I like that it kind of picks up where we left off with ‘Ketchum, ID’ [from their 2018 EP]. So I’m glad you made us do that.”

This process of mutual encouragement is integral to the band. They’re the first to admit they’re one another’s fiercest supporters, to the extent they accidentally plagiarise each other on a regular basis. “I totally wrote ‘Garden Song’ the other day,” Julien tells Phoebe, who cheerfully bats back. “‘Revolution 0’ is basically me ripping off ‘Good News.’”

Jokes aside, all three songwriters boast instantly recognisable styles, as demonstrated by the triumvirate of singles with which they announced The Record. ‘Emily, I’m Sorry’ is quintessential Phoebe Bridgers, a slice of folky introspection that wouldn’t sound out of place on Punisher, while ‘True Blue’ showcases the quietly anthemic indie-rock that Lucy has made her calling card. Meanwhile, the buoyant ‘$20’ sees former hardcore kid Julien leaning into her love of riffing.

With most structures initially emanating from one particular songwriter, it does beg the question, what makes a track right for the band rather than remaining a solo endeavour? According to Phoebe, she relies on a type of benign Spidey-Sense. “I always know when I’m writing a boygenius song. Even with ‘Me And My Dog’ I was like, ‘I don’t think this is a solo record song.’”

Lucy is more specific. “A lot of times I’ll write a song for us in a different frame of mind, so you can be harmonising with me and saying something that’s still true for you. I don’t want to make either of you sing lyrics that don’t resonate with you.”

“I really struggle with that,” Phoebe says. “So much of my music is directly my point of view and so specific.”

“Totally,” Lucy nods, “I feel like on a lot of your songs we’re supporting…”

“…like a chorus in a Greek play,” replies Julien, finishing Lucy’s thought. “We’re not a part of the action: we’re standing behind, commenting on or observing it. But these songs only exist because we made The Record. They’re an article of the endeavour rather than a pre-planned thing.”

Lucy takes the final word on the subject. “These aren’t solo songs that we donated to each other: we had to be together to make it.”

Lyrically, The Record treads a tightrope between deadpan humour and quiet devastation. The opening line of ‘We’re In Love’ sees Lucy resolutely opting for the latter, singing, “You could absolutely break my heart / That’s how I know that we’re in love.” ‘Leonard Cohen’ falls firmly into the former camp, delivering a frontrunner for lyric of the year in: “Leonard Cohen once said there’s a crack in everything / That’s how the light gets in / And I am not an old man having an existential crisis / In a Buddhist monastery / Writing horny poetry / But I agree.”

“I think my songs have a theme of being known and feeling present,” Lucy reflects. “Because I don’t feel that at all points in my life, I’m expressing my gratitude for that.” Phoebe sees her contributions as aspirational; evidence of the very process of self-improvement. “Each of the songs I contributed have a vibe of me trying my absolute hardest to not float ten inches above my body at all times. And you guys have helped me with that, so it makes sense that it would make the album.”

‘Not Strong Enough’ is perhaps their most collaborative song: a patchwork of ideas in which each band member takes a verse, as Julien jokes, “boyband-style”. Musically, it’s also the album’s most uplifting moment, its bright melody providing a smokescreen for lyrics exploring panic attacks and low self-esteem. When I point out the deception, Phoebe laughs. “You know the meme of the pink house and the black house next to each other, where it’s like one is the music and the other is the lyrics? That’s literally a couple miles from where we recorded our album. We’ve been talking about taking a photo in front of it for years.”

After an hour in their company, it’s not difficult to see why boygenius are inspiring such levels of adoration. A tight-knit gang of smart, talented, young songwriters, they’re the sort of band I wish had existed when I was growing up, even if I am battling to resist the urge to cast them as role models. After all, why should the men of rock be lauded for chaos while women have to be figures of unimpeachable virtue? When I mention the double standard, Lucy rolls her eyes.

“I remember when Phoebe did that Playboy article [in 2020]. People were texting me like, ‘I thought she was a role model for young girls?’ And I was like, 1. You can pose in Playboy and be a role model, and 2. When exactly did she sign up for that?”

“It is tight to me that you got texts and I did not,” Phoebe smiles. “I want to be scary. Like, as women or as queer people, we’re taught that anger is not useful and that forgiveness is the highest form of enlightenment. But I don’t think so. I think that I’ve spent a lot of my life trying to make everybody in a room feel ok when I don’t feel ok. It’s great to have boundaries. And as a band we’re all really good at protecting each other.”

Staying loyal to their DIY roots, boygenius are ultimately motivated by creating a community and enjoying the process of a shared endeavour. “Writing songs for this band is the opposite of saving your darlings for yourself,” Julien explains. “I want to bring the best possible offering to the band because it’s my favourite thing. It feels good to give the songs away.”

“Seriously, we have been looking forward to this time together for years,” says Phoebe. “This is the time we finally get to be around each other so we’re gonna enjoy it.”

(x) 4/5/23

[april-is]

April 18, 2024: Fourteen, Marie Howe

Fourteen Marie Howe

She is still mine—for another year or so— but she’s already looking past me through the funeral-home door to where the boys have gathered in their dark suits.

--

Also: Hurry, Marie Howe Walking Home, Marie Howe A Little Tooth, Thomas Lux

Today in:

2023: I wanted to be surprised., Jane Hirshfield 2022: Short Talk on Waterproofing, Anne Carson 2021: Cindy Comes To Hear Me Read, Jill McDonough 2020: from This Magic Moment, David Kirby 2019: Poem In Which I Become Wolverine, José Olivarez 2018: In the Beginning God Said Light, Mary Szybist 2017: from Contradictions: Tracking Poems, Adrienne Rich 2016: I Said Yes but I Meant No, Dean Young 2015: Cardinal Cardinal, Stephen Dunn 2014: Ezra Pound’s Proposition, Robert Hass 2013: Wistful sounds like a brand of air freshener, Bob Hicok 2012: Not Getting Closer, Jack Gilbert 2011: Written in Pencil in the Sealed Railway-Car, Dan Pagis 2010: The Moss of His Skin, Anne Sexton 2009: It’s This Way, Nazim Hikmet 2008: The Problem With Skin, Aimee Nezhukumatathil 2007: Serenade, Terrance Hayes 2006: The Old Liberators, Robert Hedin 2005: Morning Song, Sylvia Plath