#2012 fall tour

[jules-has-notes]

2012 VoicePlay fall tour shenanigans

From September through mid-November of 2012, VoicePlay traversed most of the continental U.S., sharing their music and silliness. But not all of the fun happened in front of live audiences. Fortunately for us, though, the guys captured some of the behind-the-scenes hijinks and highlights, and posted them online. I've collected a bunch of my favorites here.

YouTube videos:

The Van Down By The River (VoicePlay's channel) — putting their signage on the tour van before setting forth

fake apple bite (Eli's channel) — Snacks in the travel cooler may not be what they seem.

before & after Earl eats a 32-oz. steak (Eli's channel) — and reportedly still feels great. Doing various restaurants' eating challenges was clearly A Thing on the road.

kids at a student workshop sing Happy Birthday to Paul the sound guy (Eli's channel, Layne's channel) — a sweet gesture to balance out some of the teasing he endures

Happy Fun Time with Layne and Earl (VoicePlay's channel) — late night supply runs sometimes become ridiculous

Can't take these goobers anywhere when they're overtired.

Video Response to Ino-Ogo School (VoicePlay's channel) — the guys answer fan mail from attendees of a student workshop a month before

The first rule of VoicePlay is: "Not the face!"

Tony is bigger than Elvis (VoicePlay's channel) — but he's not entirely certain how he feels about being a heartthrob to middle schoolers (headphone warning: contains excited tween shrieking)

Intermission (VoicePlay's channel) — Geoff and Layne play a pencil snapping game to amuse themselves backstage

tour van before coffee (Eli's channel) — a fun bit of animation practice from our resident digital effects geek

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Instagram photos:

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Twitter tidbits:

Part of their tour prep involved a trip to Build-A-Bear for fuzzy doppelgangers that they used for an audience participation bit.

Somebody at the Universal Studios "Beetlejuice" show (presumably Kathy) got Geoff and Tony a send-off cake.

Sometimes during student workshops, the guys arrange themselves by height.

And they're good sports during post-show photos. (If you know, you know. If you don't, stay tuned.)

Traveling musicians are sustained by coffee, soda, snack cakes, chain restaurants, and local diners.

One of their East Coast tour dates was postponed because of Hurricane Sandy. :( So they acquired some adult beverages on their way to their next hotel and hunkered down for an unexpected night off.

All told, the tour spanned "11 weeks. 20,000 miles. 62 performances." That sounds both exhausting and incredible.

[fallinginreversefanblog]

Beautiful, heartwarming photo compilation about Ronnie Radke on Vans Warped Tour in the past, made me sniff 🥹❤️❤️ This is history, and needs to be continued!! ❤️‍🔥❤️‍🔥❤️‍🔥

Credit: @ra1s3dbywolves (TT)

[stinkypaqws]

all da tags teehee

[doyoulikethissong-poll]

Nightwish - The Phantom of the Opera 2002

"The Phantom of the Opera" is a song from the 1986 stage musical of the same name, based on the 1910 French novel of the same name by Gaston Leroux, which tells the tragic story of a beautiful soprano, Christine Daaé, who becomes the obsession of a mysterious, masked musical genius living in the subterranean labyrinth beneath the Paris Opéra House. The song was composed by Andrew Lloyd Webber, with lyrics written by Charles Hart and Richard Stilgoe, and additional lyrics by Mike Batt. The song was originally recorded by Sarah Brightman and Steve Harley, which became a UK hit single in 1986, prior to the musical. Listen to it here! In its theatrical debut, it was sung by Brightman and Michael Crawford in their roles as Christine Daaé and the Phantom. Listen to it here! The Phantom of the Opera was the longest running show in Broadway history, and celebrated its 10,000th performance on February 11, 2012, becoming the first Broadway production in history to do so. It is the second longest-running West End musical, after Les Misérables, and the third longest-running West End show overall, after The Mousetrap. The original West End production at Her Majesty's Theatre, London, ended its run in 2020, its run cut short by the COVID-19 pandemic.

Nightwish is a Finnish symphonic metal band from Kitee. The band was formed in 1996 by lead songwriter and keyboardist Tuomas Holopainen, guitarist Emppu Vuorinen, and former lead singer Tarja Turunen. The band soon picked up drummer Jukka Nevalainen, and then bassist Sami Vänskä after the release of their debut album, Angels Fall First (1997). In 2001, Vänskä was replaced by Marko Hietala, who also took over the male vocalist role previously filled by Holopainen or guest singers.

In 2002, Nightwish released Century Child, along with the singles "Ever Dream" and "Bless the Child". Century Child was certified gold two hours after its release, and platinum two weeks afterwards. It set a record on the Finnish album charts of most distance between a first place album and the second place. An enduring favorite of fans is the band's version of "The Phantom of the Opera". The song was routinely played in concerts until October 21, 2005, when vocalist Tarja Turunen was fired from the band and later replaced with Anette Olzon, whereupon the band announced that they would never play the song live again. This would hold true for 17 years until November 27 and 28, 2022, when Nightwish was joined by Dutch singer Henk Poort on stage at the Ziggo Dome in Amsterdam to perform the song. Marko Hietala joined Tarja Turunen at a couple of her solo shows in 2023 to sing "The Phantom of the Opera" with her. They are set to tour together in Spring 2024 in Latin America on Tarja's "Living The Dream – The Hits Tour".

"The Phantom of the Opera" recieved a total of 82,7% yes votes!

[the-bluebird-you-need]

Only counting everyone's canon studio albums. Wings is counted for Paul. There were some date discrepancies, I had to decide what made the most sense in those cases. They will all be listed below the cut in date of the year order.

January 10 Look Up (R)

January 12 Y Not (R)

January 14 Liverpool 8 (R)

January 17 Yellow Submarine (B)

January 27 Milk and Honey (J)

January 30 Ringo 2012 (R)

February 1 Off the Ground (P)

February 6 Kisses on the Bottom (P)

February 14 George Harrison (G)

February 17 Rock 'n' Roll (J)

March 22 Please Please Me (B)

March 25 Ringo Rama (R)

March 26 Wings at the Speed of Sound (P)

March 27 Sentimental Journey (R)

March 31 London Town (P), Postcards from Paradise (R)

April 17 McCartney (P)

April 21 Bad Boy (R)

April 26 Tug of War (P)

May 4 Red Rose Speedway (P)

May 5 Flaming Pie (P)

May 8 Let It Be (B)

May 16 McCartney II (P)

May 17 Ram (P)

May 22 Time Takes Time (R)

May 26 Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band (B)

May 30 Venus and Mars (P), Living in the Material World (G)

June 1 Somewhere in England (G)

June 4 Memory Almost Full (P)

June 5 Flowers in the Dirt (P)

June 7 Choose Love (R)

June 8 Back to the Egg (P)

June 12 Some Time in New York City (J)

June 16 Old Wave, Vertical Man (R)

July 10 A Hard Day's Night (B)

August 5 Revolver (B)

August 6 Help! (B)

August 25 Press to Play (P)

September 7 Egypt Station (P)

September 9 Imagine (J)

September 12 Chaos and Creation in the Backyard (P)

September 15 Give More Love (R)

September 17 Ringo's Rotogravure (R)

September 20 Ringo the 4th (R)

September 22 Extra Texture (G)

September 25 Beaucoups of Blues (R)

September 26 Abbey Road (B)

September 29 Walls and Bridges (J)

October 4 Run Devil Run (P)

October 11 New (P)

October 19 I Wanna Be Santa Claus (R)

October 22 Give My Regards to Broad Street (P)

October 25 What's My Name (R)

October 27 Stop and Smell the Roses (R)

October 29 Mind Games (J)

October 31 Pipes of Peace, CHOBA B CCCP (P)

November 2 Cloud Nine (G), Ringo (R)

November 5 Gone Troppo (G)

November 12 Driving Rain (P)

November 15 Goodnight Vienna (R)

November 17 Double Fantasy (J)

November 19 Thirty Three & 1⁄3, Brainwashed (G)

November 22 With the Beatles, The White Album (B)

November 27 Magical Mystery Tour (B), All Things Must Pass (G)

November 30 Band on the Run (P)

December 3 Rubber Soul (B), Wild Life (P)

December 4 Beatles for Sale (B)

December 9 Dark Horse (G)

December 11 John Lennon/Plastic Ono Band (J)

December 18 McCartney III (P)

[gunsandspaceships]

MCU Timeline: Captain America: The First Avenger

March 10, 1917 - James Buchanan Barnes is born.

August 15, 1917 - Howard Anthony Stark is born.

July 4, 1918 - Steven Grant Rogers is born.

April 9, 1919 - Margaret "Peggy" Carter is born.

Why 1919 (deleted scene from The Avengers) and not 1921 (Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.), as stated in Wikipedia: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. is not canon for the MCU (events of the show take place in another universe, where Peggy was born in a different year and had a different background).

1934-1936 - young Peggy serves as a nurse in the British Air Force.

1936-1940 - Peggy serves in the Special Air Service.

1940:

Peggy joins the Strategic Scientific Reserve.

Howard founds Stark Industries and becomes its CEO.

May 1941 - Steven Rogers attends a Dodgers vs The Phillies baseball game at Ebbets Field, Brooklyn.

March 1942 - Red Skull invades Norway and extracts the Tesseract.

1942/1943 - The Allies receive a gift from Wakanda: Vibranium. It is given to the SSR's Head Engineer - Howard Stark.

1943:

June 14:

13:50 - Steve gets his last 4F.

And his last beating in the alley a couple of hours later.

Evening - he and Bucky go to the "World Exposition of Tomorrow", where Howard demonstrates his (almost) flying car. Steve meets Dr. Erskine and gets a (falsified) 1A.

June 15:

Sergeant James Barnes heads to Europe with the 107th Infantry Regiment.

Candidate Rogers begins his trial week for Project Rebirth at Camp Lehigh in NJ.

June 21 - Dr. Erskine makes his choice and informs Rogers. They talk about it, about the serum and HYDRA.

June 22, morning - Steve becomes a super soldier. Erskine is killed. The last vial of serum is destroyed.

June 23:

Rogers is offered a position in the USO theater (to help sell war bonds) and receives a (fake) rank of captain.

Night - SSR (including Peggy and Howard) is being retasked to fight HYDRA and goes to London, UK.

July-October - Captain America's US tour (over 200 performances).

November 3rd:

Captain America show in Italy.

Night - Steve goes behind the lines to a HYDRA camp in Austria to rescue Bucky with the help of Peggy and Howard.

November 5th - he returns with 400 (CATFA) or 163 (CATWS) liberated soldiers.

A couple of days later - SSR in London. Based on the locations of HYDRA bases remembered by Rogers, they develop a plan to combat HYDRA. Steve puts together a team.

Marvel Studios' mistake: the medals and badges Steve wears don't make any sense at this particular moment. He simply had neither the time nor the opportunity to earn the Combat Infantry Badge, or the Presidential Unit Citation Badge, nor could he receive the American Defense Service Medal.

Next day, 8 am- Steve meets with Howard and receives his vibranium shield.

1944:

November 1943 - November 1944 - Howling Commandos destroy HYDRA weapons factories.

December 1944 - January 1945 - attack on the train with Dr. Zola. Bucky falls from the train from a great height and is declared killed in action. Zola is captured.

1945:

Soon after, early January - the Valkyrie is finished and ready to attack major US cities. SSR receives information about the location of HYDRA's main base in the Alps and heads there.

Next day - SSR attacks HYDRA's main base. Red Skull teleports to Vormir. The Tesseract is lost in the Arctic Ocean. Crash of the Valkyrie. Steve goes into suspended animation.

After January 1945 - Howard Stark leads expeditions to find Rogers. He finds the Tesseract, but not Captain.

March 23, 1945 - Case №17 is opened. James Barnes "joined" the HYDRA branch in the USSR.

May 8, 1945 - VE-Day.

Spring-Summer 1945 - Howard is involved in the Manhattan Project.

1946:

December 1945/January 1946 - Peggy is assigned to the SSR office in New York.

March 1946 - events of "Agent Carter" one-shot.

2012:

Early 2012 - 67 years later, Steve Rogers is found frozen but alive.

April 2012 - Rogers wakes up in the S.H.I.E.L.D. recovery room in New York City.

Iron Man (2008) Timeline

The Incredible Hulk (2008) Timeline

Iron Man 2 (2010) Timeline

Thor (2011) Timeline

The Avengers (2012) Timeline

[pochiperpe90]

[ENG] PARDO - Interview with Luca Marinelli

“Luca Marinelli is a true phenomenon!” This is how Paolo Virzì, who directed him in Tutti i santi giorni in 2012, defined the actor a few years ago. He was absolutely right. Throwing himself body and soul into each of his roles, Luca Marinelli does not limit himself to playing a part, but manages to transform himself completely, creating intense, charismatic, unique characters. From the young introverted mathematician in La solitudine dei numeri primi (2010) by Saverio Costanzo, to Roberta in L’ultimo terrestre (2011) by Gipi; from the criminal in Non essere cattivo (2015) by Claudio Caligari to the cult character of the Zingaro in Lo chiamavano Jeeg Robot (2015) by Gabriele Mainetti; from the proletarian intellectual in Martin Eden (2019) by Pietro Marcello, to the King of Terror in Diabolik (2021) by Manetti Bros; from Nicky, the immortal warrior, in The Old Guard (2020) by Gina Prince-Bythewood, to Pietro, a fervent mountain enthusiast in Le otto montagne (2022) by Felix Van Groeningen and Charlotte Vandermeersch; Luca Marinelli has been able to give life, thanks to his prodigious versatility, to an extraordinary range of characters who all bear the unmistakable sign of his talent.

Maria Giovanna Vagenas: In your current career as an actor there are two important works coming out soon: the television series M. Son of the Century by Joe Wright and The Old Guard 2, by Victoria Mahoney. While waiting to be able to see them, I would like to start by addressing a perhaps less well-known but equally essential side of your work: your debut as a theater director in 2023 with Kafka's Una relazione per un’accademia, for the Festival dei Due Mondi of Spoleto. How did this project, on which you collaborated with the German actor Fabian Jung, come about?

Luca Marinelli: The first idea for this project dates back to ten years ago when I saw Fabian at his graduation performance at the Ernst Busch Academy of Dramatic Art in Berlin. I found it extraordinary, and on that occasion I had already told him: "In my opinion you should recite this text!" Then there was a ten year gap. Towards the end of the pandemic, I proposed to him that we work together on Una relazione per un’accademia. At the beginning we had to be both on stage a bit, later I understood that it would have been more sensible to mount this piece with just one actor and I asked him if he would like to be directed by me.

MGV: What was your approach as a director? 

LM: At the beginning of this project I was more of a kind of acting coach - Fabian acts in Italian, even though he doesn't speak it - then I began to understand what it meant to be a director, to take responsibility for everything the public will come to see, to make many decisions and to take care of an entire team. In this context, the exchange of ideas with Fabiana Piccioli, who deals with the light design of the show, was essential: the theatrical piece is in fact a kind of dialogue between the actor and the light, the space and the audience. Being a theater director is also a question of trust. In the cinema the director is very present until the end of the production process, but in the theater you get up to a certain point and then that's it, because the real work, evening after evening, falls to the actors and technicians, that is, to those who are in the scene and around it. The director is no longer part of the performance, he’s almost the first spectator of his own work. It was a very beautiful experience for me, because being "outside", that is, not being on the scene but in front of it, is truly something completely different! In February-March 2025, we will take this show on tour around Italy.

MGV: Do you plan to continue along this path in the future? Is it an experience that has opened up new perspectives for you?

LM: It's a road I'd like to explore, that of theater. I would like to return to the stage as an actor-director, a bit like a master, let's say. I feel that theater is much more accessible to me, while I know very little about the technical side of cinema and for which I have great respect, so for now I don't feel like it.

MGV: You come from a family close to the world of entertainment. It seems that as a kid you watched a lot of movies with your grandmother. I would be curious to know how your desire to become an actor was born in this context. 

LM: My father is first and foremost an actor who is also dedicated to dubbing and my grandmother, as you said - a great cinephile. I owe a lot to every member of my family, whether they work in the arts or not. However, I cannot tell you where this desire comes from, each of us has a drive within us, and is attracted by something. Indeed, I grew up watching many films and, thanks to my father, I happened to know this work in various forms. But when you are very young it is difficult to say: I want to do this! I felt very attracted by the world of theater and cinema, by the idea of ​​expressing myself in a way that went beyond words, which approached images, sounds, the body. I wasn't fully aware of it from the beginning, but now I feel that it's exactly this: I love observing an interpreter's body, listening to their voice. I love seeing a group working together and I love teamwork. The profession of actor contained within itself a bit of everything that nourished my curiosity. This desire has been growing more and more. My family has always been very supportive and has never hindered me in anything. Rather, I was the one who hindered myself, until, at a certain moment, I gave myself permission to approach this profession and entered the Silvio D'Amico National Academy of Dramatic Art. They were three wonderful years during which I gave free rein to all my curiosity and desire for expression. The relationship with my class was fundamental and magical. From there, little by little, I moved forward. Almost immediately, cinema arrived with Saverio Costanzo who hired me for La solitudine dei numeri primi together with Alba Rohrwacher. I auditioned while I was still at the Academy and was acting in the final recital Dream of a Summer Night directed by Carlo Cecchi. I finished the Academy and immediately went on set for the first time.

MGV: You found Carlo Cecchi again as an actor on the set of Martin Eden (2019) by Pietro Marcello many years later. 

LM: Of course, and it was wonderful to meet again! I consider Carlo my teacher, he is the first who truly made me understand the importance and urgency of this profession. 2012 was the last time I was on the boards of a stage and was with him. Carlo Cecchi had become very fond of us all and with this graduation essay he managed to take us on tour. Basically we did two theater seasons from 2010 until February 2012.

MGV: Are there other directors, among all those you have collaborated with, that you consider to be your teachers?

LM: I met some great directors during my journey, each had their own vision of art, so it's as if I had many different teachers along a single professional journey. I would practically name them all, but I would also name the actors I simply observed in films.

MGV: Between the actors who inspired and influenced you, who would you quote?

LM: For the sake of equality, I only mention the actors of the past. There are many who have struck me but I always evoke Anna Magnani, Silvana Mangano, Marlon Brando and Massimo Troisi. These are the first huge names that come to mind. When I 'met' them on the screen I immediately realized I was faced with something unique and great. I like to mention these four names also because they belong to a moment in my life in which I still didn't know what I would do, but I was drawn towards them.

MGV: Non essere cattivo (2015) was Claudio Caligari's last, poignant and wonderful film, released posthumously. What are your memories of him?

LM: Claudio Caligari was a gigantic meeting for me, from him I learned how important expression and communication, sharing and respect are. I understood how much this profession is life and how much life can be put into it. I witnessed enormous courage and a great knowledge of filmmaking. I also learned the dedication and immense respect that one must have for the public, for what is proposed, for how one interacts with those who come to see a film, without ever putting oneself on a pedestal but being all together. Caligari taught me to never judge myself, nor others, nor the stories one tells nor the characters one plays but that one must stay with them, inhabit them. These are the few things, fundamental for me, that come to mind. Beyond this, every single memory is a source of inspiration and guidance for me. And then the certainty that love and passion are the only things that really keep us here and now, alive.

MGV: In 2019 you played the complex character of Martin Eden in the film of the same name directed by Pietro Marcello, and you won the Volpi Cup at the Venice Film Festival. What did this role mean to you? And what was it like working with Pietro Marcello? 

LM: The collaboration with Pietro arose from a secular prayer which has been fulfilled over the years. I was a great observer of his work and his art and finally being able to work together was a great gift, a true exchange based on trust. We all found ourselves in a moment of grace, in a state that allowed us to work with great concentration and dedication together. As for the role, I think Martin Eden is one of the most beautiful male characters of the last century, in one of the most powerful novels ever written. I owe a lot to this character, not only a very prestigious award, but also important artistic and personal growth.

MGV: You have played an extremely wide range of roles, spanning from one film genre to another. Beyond your exuberant talent and the extreme versatility of your performances, what is striking about your acting is the generosity with which you embrace each character, offering your all. How do you prepare your roles? 

LM: It's like a kind of love at first sight; I fall in love with the story, with the character and from that moment on I begin to see everything in that direction. It is an almost routine behavior that I have never schematised. If someone were to ask me, "How do you approach a character?" I would answer that I have no idea, but every time I do it more or less in the same way. There is certainly a certain affinity with the director and an involvement in the script and the character. Little by little I'm starting to eat all the information I can find. I am often offered films to watch, and then I discuss them with the director. I love working with imagination and thinking about every element of the character. I like being with the costume designer, working on the costume and then creating the look of my character with makeup and hair. I'm very happy when I can have my say too. As I said before, I fall in love with the character and I begin to see everything in that light. My wife always tells me: "You've already started!" I don't notice but she does! "You've already started!" it means that everything has started to take on that colour, but I don't do it on purpose, I believe that there is a more intelligent, unconscious part inside me that organizes my work. It's a bit like this!

MGV: A few years ago Paolo Virzì, who directed you in Tutti i santi giorni, said of you: "Luca is a phenomenon, he's intelligent, witty, but at the same time he's crazy, he becomes what he's doing. All the great actors have a kind of lack, a defect, they know who they are and therefore they are enthusiastic about becoming the one who proposes to them!" What do you think? 

LM: I agree with him, all this is said with deep love and therefore I accept everything he says about me. I love Paolo so much and I think he understood me more than I understood myself. In fact I think none of us really have a clear focus on who we are and what we can be. Of course this is an interview from a few years ago, perhaps now I know slightly more - but only slightly [laughs] - who I am because I am closing, so to speak, the first act of my life, given that this year I will be turning 40!

MGV: Being an actor is a collective profession. Over the course of your career, a very significant bond has been created between you and Alessandro Borghi, with whom you collaborated for the first time in Non essere cattivo and who you met again on the set of Le otto montagne of Felix Van Groeningen and Charlotte Vandermeersch, Jury Prize at Cannes. Could you tell me about your working relationship and your friendship?

LM: I'll start from the beginning of what you said; for me this isn’t a job we do by ourselves. This art doesn’t exist without the other. Even a monologue is not done alone but with the audience. Acting is always a way of expressing oneself and communicating. I adore, as I said before, teamwork, over the years I have happened to work with many wonderful colleagues who have become important friends and then there was this magnificent meeting with Alessandro during Non essere cattivo, a film that carries within itself something sacred due to how it was approached, and due to the strength of the great Claudio Caligari who created it. The two of us found ourselves actors in this extraordinary work which united us so much, creating a deep bond between us which at that moment was needed, let's say, for the film but which the film then gave us for life. Since then this friendship has continued and gone forward, without interruption. After Non essere cattivo for six years we were no longer able to work together, then suddenly another wonderful film arrived, full of love: Le otto montagne and thanks to two fantastic directors, Felix and Charlotte, we managed to make this friendship coincide again on the screen too. Alessandro and I are good together. At work, to put it in a football metaphor, for me it's like I always know where the other guy is so I can make a cross almost with my eyes closed because I know he gets the ball, stops it and shoots it towards goal! We have great chemistry and on set, we don't need to worry too much. I hope we can work together again soon. I happened to see an interview where we said that we promised ourselves not to wait another seven years to do it, but now it's been almost three years already so we have to hurry!

MGV: For a few years now you have also started an important international career by participating in important productions such as The Old Guard by Gina Prince-Bythewood with Charlize Theron which was a huge success on Netflix, the series Trust (2018) by Danny Boyle, written by Simon Beaufoy and starring, among others, Donald Sutherland, and a production for German television: Die Pfeiler der Macht (A Dangerous Fortune, 2016), by Christian Schwochow. How did you experience dealing with all these new production realities?

LM: In every latitude there is a slightly different type of approach but essentially the work is always the same. The thing that always excites me is that, ultimately, we all find ourselves in the common language of acting, of art. I was lucky enough to work with some wonderful international casts, not only every single actor but also the technical departments and directors were wonderful people. Ultimately, the place changes geographically, but the work remains the same.

MGV: As a member of the Jury of the International Competition, what will your evaluation criteria be?

LM: I was just looking at the list of films in competition and judging by the images that accompany them I already like them all, so maybe I'm off to a bad start! [laughs] I don't actually have any specific parameters. I certainly won't judge only the performers, but I will look at the film as a whole. However, for me it is essential to start from the assumption of great respect for the film itself, because every film is a work that requires great efforts from many people and for this reason must be evaluated with consideration. Having said that, I would like to have a good dialogue with the film, an intelligent dialogue on an intellectual and emotional level. In short, I hope that a film leaves me with a thought, a sensation, an emotion.

As usual, sorry for any mistake and my English

[tomssexdoll]

Could you please do tomorrow headcannons like the ones you’ve done for bill recently. 🙏🙏🙏. Love your writing btw- also if you make it can you tag me..

yesss ofc love and ty for the support <3

Relationship headcannons Tom

NSFW MENTIONED!!!!!!!!

2008

You guys first started dating

Brags about you to anyone who will listen

Once you got to know him you realized how much of a softie he really is

He was very confident at first

Spoils you

Quickies behind stage at tours

You love playing with his dreads

Tugging on his braids during sex

2009

Suprised you with the braids

you love them ofc

Loves going on walks with you

Very affectionate

Super protective

Gets jealous easily

Slightly possessive

Hates when you wear skimpy clothing out

Always accompanies you at parties

Will hurt any guy if he has to

Gets you flowers a lot

2010

Takes you on the humanoid tour

Shouts you out in the crowd and brings you up to the stage

Stares at you while he's playing and flirts with you too

Quickie backstage ofc

Loves seeing you in his shirts when you go to sleep

Always gives you his jackets, hoodies, shirts

SUPER flirty

Teases you in public

Leaves hickeys everywhere for everyone to see

Smacks your ass playfully in public

2011

Cuddles are the best

Loves to go to the club with you

Still very protective

Jealousy issues calming down a little

Shows you off in interviews

Talks about you non stop in podcasts

Brings you to practice

Very loving and caring

Will drop everything just to make sure you're ok

Super close, very healthy relationship

2012-2014

Proposes to you finally

The proposal is beautiful, he takes you out to a fancy dinner and he gets the best spot and proposes to you under the stars

Showers you with gifts all the time

Gets you lunch when you're working hard

Loves to give you massages when you're stressed

Learnt how to cook for you

Talking about wanting a family

Cuddes and movies every second night

Partying like there's no tomorrow

Falling pregnant in late 2014 so the baby came after the wedding

2015

The wedding finally happens

The ceremony is beautiful

He smiles like an idiot when he sees you walking down the aisle, crying softly

Does the garter wedding tradition but tries to take your panties off instead

Dances with you sweetly at first

When you get drunk he grinds on you, dancing so sexually

He smashes his lips into yours when the priest declares you husband and wife

also picks you up and spins you around when after the kiss

Can't stop talking about how sexy you were at the wedding

Makes a wedding night sex tape with you LOL

Buying a house together

Baby finally arrives

2016-2019

A lot of renovating

More talks about having a big family

Tom upgrades the nursery

Best father EVER

Spoils you and the kids

Forces Bill to babysit for a couple nights so you guys can spend time together

Sex is amazing and always has been

Still very protective of you and especially your daughter

Fall pregnant again

2020

Find out you're having twins

tom jumps with joy after he finds out

Tells Bill and they are super happy

Tom buys you fresh flowers every week

When he takes the dogs for walks he'll always pick flowers for you

Loves taking your daughter to the park with you even though you're super pregant

Loves you unconditionally

Takes care of you so much during pregnancy and birth

Holds your hand at the hosptal

Sobs and holds the twins in his arms

Loves you for you

Reminds you everyday how beautiful and precious you are

Spoils the kids with junk food when you aren't there

2021-2024

Thinking of another kid

Very happy relationship and super close

Sex is amazing ofc

Buying you flowers every week ofc

Partying here and there

Loves home dates and spending time with you

Some nights he'll fall asleep on your chest

You love playing with his long hair and beard

Beard tickles you when he kisses you

He's careful not to give you carpet burn when eating you out

Loves washing your hair and making you feel relaxed

Runs baths for you to relax after a hard day

He helps with the cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc.

Best present giver

Super affectionate

tags: @effy-2000 @itsmealaiah @tomscumdump @20doozers @charliesgoodboy @tomkaulitzloverr @tomscumdoll @syylss @ge-billsgf @ballhair @miyukafujii

[cant-get-enough-btr-forever]

Here's a rundown of the Big Time Rush timeline that no one asked for.

Season 1: early April -> late July (2010)

It's snowing in the pilot, but the boys are still in school (and Christmas decor is nowhere to be found).

In real life, April 4 was officially declared "Big Time Rush Day" by the mayor of Duluth (the fictional band's hometown). At first glance, this oddly specific date doesn't seem to have any ties to BTR. But after thinking about it, I realized that this was probably when the boys left Duluth to make it big time.

Griffin gives them three months to produce their demos.

So, "Big Time Demos" is set in early June. Just for good measure, Kendall opens this episode with "I can't believe we've been here for three months!"

In "Big Time Dance", the Palmwoods School throws an "end-of-year" dance party. End of the school year, that is. In 2010, the last day of school was June 24 (in Los Angeles, anyway).

A couple episodes later, "Big Time Fever" shows everyone dying of heat.

Then, in the season finale, the guys return to Duluth. It's no longer snowing. In fact, everybody is dressed lightly. Obviously, it's a warm month for the whole country—like, say, late July.

According to Gustavo, their first tour starts two weeks after the finale.

Conclusion: This season takes place over the course of four months. The pilot is set in early April (one of the snowiest months in Duluth), while the finale is set in late July (one of the hottest months in Los Angeles).

Season 2: late September (2010) -> late November (2011)

Their tour must have started in mid-August, since that's two weeks after late July. According to Katie, it lasted for six weeks.

The first episode opens with Mr. Bitters telling the boys that "it's fall." Six weeks after mid-August is late September, which is when fall begins. The band also performs at Rocktoberfest, which—you guessed it—happens in late September.

"Big Time Pranks" takes place smack in the middle of "Big Time Halloween" and "Big Time Christmas." It's safe to say that this one is set in November. Dang, I really wanted "The Day of Pranks" to be April 1st...

"Big Time Moms" is set in mid-May, of course.

Proms are typically held in late April to early June. Since "Big Time Prom Kings" comes right after "Big Time Moms", it's set in late May.

You know what? After season 1, the air dates seem to align with the fictional settings. So, I'll just assume that the season 2 finale takes place in late November.

Conclusion: Season 2 encapsulates a whole year—both for the characters, and the viewers.

Big Time Movie: mid-March (2012)

I'll guesstimate that the boys had about two months to prepare for their world tour.

Everyone is bundled up in coats, scarves, etc. The average March high in London is around 54°F (12°C).

Oh yeah, the movie was released on March 10.

Conclusion: Mid-March it is. Also, it's hard to believe that the whole film happens within a day.

Season 3: ?? mid-May -> early November (2012) ??

Their world tour apparently spans two months (no one ever says exactly how long it is). This season kicks off with their final concert.

I have a gut feeling that "Big Time Camping" takes place in October, since it's an ideal month for camping in California (mild temps).

I can only assume that the finale is set before December.

Conclusion: Honestly, there's not much to gauge dates from in season 3. Trust me—I re-watched the entirety of it, for this sole purpose. Everything just sort of...happens.

The only episode that hints a date is "Big Time Gold": Kendall says Jo's birthday is on the 21st. Of what, Kendall? The 21st of what?? It seems like they purposely avoid mentioning months. So, I mainly relied on the air dates as evidence.

Season 4: early May -> late July (2013)

In the first episode, Logan says they're about to announce their summer tour. So, clearly, it's almost summer. Once again, I used my guesstimating skills to infer that they announced it a month in advance. Besides, this episode aired in May.

This shot from "Big Time Cameos" (episode 5) proves that it's set in late May/early June:

The finale aired in late July, so it must be set in late July. Also, it just makes sense that the "Tween Choice Awards" would be held in the summer.

Conclusion: Well, this one is short and sweet: It simply seems to take place over two months. However, there is one glaring discrepancy: "Big Time Pranks II" sits in the middle of this season. We've already established that the Day of Pranks is in November. So...what happened here? Did the writers just completely ignore this detail??

.....

Let's summarize!

Within the showverse, Big Time Rush's entire career spans three years. It begins in early April of 2010, and ends in late July of 2013.

Well...it doesn't "end", per se. It just disappears from the fourth wall's view. We have yet to know how long Showverse!BTR really lasted, past the finale.

[pseudophan]

hi getting back into these guys and random question. obviously it seems like Dan and Phil (whilst keeping their private life private which good for them) also don’t care about people thinking what they want. Have they ever given a reason for moving into a ‘forever home’ together?

They used to use the excuse they were both YouTubers so easier to live with someone to help with videos back in the day. ‘no homo days’ I guess. But nowadays they both can’t really keep using that excuse since their personal videos don’t realllyyy require the others help as much as back then. Gaming channel again not an excuse it was on hiatus. Dan even still using his ‘Phil is messy and stressful to live with’ bit. (y you living with him then Dan?)

So Have they ever given a reason to still living together for 10+ years, in their 30’s gay & now home owning together? or have they just been vibing along, fine with letting it be known the fact they have bought a home, homosexual homeowners, and are just letting people think what they think? (They know what people think)

I guess I’m just remembering around 2012 times when they were changing the how they met story (mutual friend in Manchester anyone. Bumped into Phil in town one day? Editing tips?) and using YouTube excuse for living together. Seems crazy that 10 years later here we are. Both out, not hiding they bought and designed a home together and (as far as I’m aware) aren’t using needing the other to help with videos as the only reason for still living together.

Good for them either way. love them <3. sorry this got long!

honestly they started talking about a forever home and we all just kinda went along with it. i think there came a point where the vast majority of phannies were assuming they're together in some way shape or form, and for a few years we had this mutual understanding of we know and they know we know and we know they know we know but outside of fan circles nobody's Saying it. i suppose we still have this, except hilariously there are now a lot more people falling over themselves condemning people for saying they're an item lol

because of this it didn't really feel like a big thing when they announced that they'd bought a house, like i don't even think the majority of people were talking about how that means they're gonna live together forever because at that point we already assumed as much, it felt so inevitable

but as far as what dnp have outright said, i think the interview responses from dan during his we're all doomed press tour are the most blatant quotes we've got. like, he's not saying it, but he's also not Not saying it

..well actually he kind of is just saying it. lol.

edit: oh and of course we can't forget the iconic attitude 2020 interview

[jules-has-notes]

Titanium — VoicePlay live performance

When VoicePlay goes on tour, they don't just perform concerts. A big part of their travel involves educational outreach, giving student workshops tailored to everyone from elementary school munchkins to competitive collegiate a cappella groups. I think it's great that they do that, especially since their original members started singing together in middle school.

They recorded this audience-view video at one such workshop toward the end of their 2012 fall tour. The raw audio picked up by the camera isn't as good as their studio recordings, and (headphone warning) there's quite a lot of youthful exuberence at the beginning and end. But it's still pretty cool to see the guys sing to a live audience.

(If you'd like a clearer listening experience, VoicePlay also recorded the audio from their microphones, mixed it properly, and uploaded it to their SoundCloud.)

Details:

title: Titanium

original performers: David Guetta, featuring Sia

written by: Sia Furler, David Guetta, Giorgio Tuinfort, and Nick "Afrojack" van de Wall

arranged by: Geoff Castellucci

performance date: 7 November 2012

release date: 8 November 2012

My favorite bits:

those opening harmonies and swells, so pretty

Layne's tasty percussion line, starting simple and increasing in complexity

transitioning between choruses and verses by delaying the word "proof" in the harmony lines and leaving off the final consonant — ♫ "I am bul-let… proo-oo-oo-aah" ♫

the bell chords at the start of the bridge (Seriously, listen to the SoundCloud version.)

Earl's soaring, laser-like high notes in the final chorus

all of the guys attempting to get the audience on the beat at various points by means of emphatic snapping

"Come on, kids. You can find the rhythm. We believe in you."

"Yeah, you. (We appreciate the enthusiasm, though.)"

Trivia:

○ Geoff may have had feline assistance in his arrangement process.

○ This was recorded at Mohave High School's Performing Arts Center in Bullhead City, Arizona.

○ The more polished audio version was released a week later. That's a pretty impressive turnaround for post-production considering that during that time they also:

gave another workshop

performed five concerts in five different cities

drove more than 3200 miles covering about a third of the country — from western Arizona, across southern California, up the coast to north of the Bay Area, then all the way down to southern Texas

[maybege]

okay so kind of new idea bunny (not sure if that is an actual expression but it took me back to fanfic in 2012 and i love that)

so the footballer!paz au? Boba is a former football player in that au and recently announced as head coach to that team. and reader is freshly dating another player (dreks, obv) who decides to take her with him to like a tour of games on the other side of the country

not even a week into the trip and the tabloids are full with a sex tape of dreks and a woman that is NOT reader and reader is stuck with a cheating boyfriend and his whole ass team on the other sid eof the country

cue the heartbreak and insomnia as you try to avoid sleeping in the same room now that dreks just openly flaunts his asshole-ry. and on your sleepless walks along hotel hallways, poolsides and beaches, you meet boba. boba who seems like the first person not to mince his words around you since the whole scandal. boba who is strong and grumpy and invites you for a sleep mocktail at the hotel bar. boba who chuckles when you blurt out that it has been so long since you slept maybe you just need someone to physically tire you out.

boba who jokes that he could fuck you asleep, no problem ("an advanatge of dating someone with good stamina, i suppose") but you look at him like it is no joke at all and not even thirty minutes later the old man has you bouncing on his cock until you are crying from all the orgasms and you blissfully fall asleep against his chest 😌 and since that method is the only thing that has worked so far - let's just say you two come to an agreement for the remainder of the season

[occasionallycoinpin]

i need to know what that storyline for oc 110 was

i’ll be honest, i started writing it down, got distracted by other things, and then completely forgot about it until now

so i guess i’ll dump what i have right now, and finish it up later

occasionally coinpin 155

(collapsed for length)

(this is an m&l dream team riff so there’s a good amount of similarities bit whatev)

Premise:

Many years after the competitions end, a miraculous discovery! Leafy, while going through old messages to delete to save memory, finds an odd, unopened email from January 1st, 2012. As it turns out, Dream Island wasn’t destroyed all those years ago! It was simply relocated to a new part of the ocean, the robotic staff waiting ever so patiently for their new owner to claim her island. Leafy, ever the kind soul, invites everyone to Dream Island for a wonderful vacation!

As the BFDI crew will soon come to find out, there is a very literal reason the island is named DREAM Island.

The Arrival:

The charter ship arrives at the island rather precariously, so much so that Pin, observing the docking with her friends, falls off the ship and has her point stuck in the ground. While the robotic servants assist her, Coiny and the others must head along for the introduction tour.

Rather predictably, Coiny and Firey start feuding about something or other, which begins the first boss fight: Metal Firey (they had him eat a yoyleberry earlier to not burn down the ship).

- A tutorial fight for the basic mechanics, very simple as the only move Coiny has available is Jump.

- Done in a few hits + counterattacks.

The delay caused by the fight allows Pin to catch up with everyone else, and the welcoming festivities continue.

After a bit of exploring the Dreamscape Hotel, Coiny and Pin stumble upon a door which a robotic servant says simply leads to the basement. And indeed it does! Though the servant neglected to mention that there weren’t actually any stairs down, and the door simply led to an open chasm that the duo fall into. Time to find a way out.

The Discovery:

The basement is filled with crud you’d expect to see in a basement, as well as some basic enemies. The duo find the Hammers down here, an essential tool. As they descend further the basement starts looking less basement-like and starts looking more temple-like: the Dreamscape Hotel was built on top of the ruins of an ancient temple.

Deep in the temple, they find a wall mural of an ancient civilization seeking salvation in a figure that bears an awfully unsettling resemblance to Pin. But before the duo can dwell on this any longer, two Stone Pin statues come to life and attack!

- An exam fight for both using two characters at once as well as using the Hammers.

- The Stone Pins can only be Hammered at first, but if properly countered they will fall on their backs, allowing Jumps that deal critical hits.

After the fight, who else shows up but Golf Ball, immediately berating the duo for destroying such priceless archeological artifacts. She’s down here as she’s set up a Lab in the basement (because of course she did) and wanted to see what all the noise was about. The duo follow her back to the Lab.

The Dream World:

A small crowd has gathered in the Lab, curious as to what the ruckus was about. GB takes this opportunity to go into a lecture about a new phenomenon she’s discovered on the island: certain spots emanate a strange energy, one that she is currently researching located right in the middle of the Lab. Pin, not really paying attention, investigates the spot and nearly immediately passes out. GB, taking this as an insult to her lecture, goes on another rant, completely distracting her from the fact a portal has opened over the sleeping Pin.

Everyone in the crowd is surprised by this development, except for Pillow, who was seemingly expecting it. She hurriedly grabs Needle and jumps into the portal. Coiny, not one to stand by while his friend gets kidnapped, hurries in after them.

Coiny finds himself in Dreamy Dreamscape Hotel and soon meets up with Dreamy Pin, the embodiment of Pin’s mental self image. In battle, Dreamy Pin will augment Coiny, boosting his stats and enhancing his Jump and Hammer. After some exploration, the duo find Pillow and the now unconscious Needle, and a boss fight against Pillow begins.

- Pillow starts the fight by summoning a legion of False Dreamy Pins to surround her, which can both attack independently and assist Pillow with her own attacks.

- Partway through the fight, Pillow steals Coiny’s Hammer and disguises herself and the False Dreamy Pins as False Dreamy Coinys. She then proceeds to shuffle herself into the crowd, and the player must keep track of which one is Pillow. Jumping on the right one removes the disguises and returns the Hammer, while Jumping on a wrong one reveals it as a False Dreamy Pin and deals damage.

- After taking enough damage, Pillow flees the fight.

The Disaster:

Despite the fight, Pillow has enough energy left to enact her plan: she stabs Needle into the ground, creating a crack that spews a strange energy. Outside, in the Real World, the portal begins emitting this energy. Strange, dark crystals begin growing on some of the robotic servants, as well as a good amount of the BFDI crew, all throughout the island.

After the energy clears, Pillow takes Needle down into the hole she created, which closes up after them. Coiny and Dreamy Pin are dumbfounded, and, after breaking some of the dark crystal blocking the way, have no choice but to return to the Real World to reassess.

When Coiny returns out of the portal, and Pin awakens, GB can’t help but start asking a million questions about what had just happened. After one of the strange crystals formed in the Lab, GB attempted to harvest it to no avail before it mysteriously evaporated. After the duo fill her in, she deduces that the crystals must exist in the Real and Dream Worlds simultaneously, and while it is indestructible in the Real World, it is possible to break while in the Dream World. GB dubs this material Crystalized Somnolescent Energy, whereas Coiny purports the much more popular name Nightmarium.

Various objects start rushing into the Hotel, saying that more crystals are around and that anyone afflicted by them has fallen into a coma. By now, the duo’s mission is two-fold: find out where Pillow disappeared to, and destroy all of the Nightmarium that has grown across the island. While GB needs to stay in her Lab to perform more research, she produces the GB-Drone: a miniature drone that allows GB to communicate with the duo while they’re out and about. The duo set out to the closest location to the Hotel: the Fantasy Fairgrounds.

and that’s all i’ve got for now. if people seem to like this i’ll present more of the story in this fashion, and if not i’ll just dump the rest when it’s completely finished

[junedenim]

2012

beneath the boardwalk, part 10 (series masterlist)

why'd you only call me when you're high?

warnings: a whole lot of angst, temptation, nostalgia, and nothing

word count: 10.4k

Squished between two couch cushions watching Real Housewives, I got a call from Alex. "Did I wake you?" He questioned. It was late or early depending on who you asked. I had been woken up from a cold I was suffering from. He had never gone to bed.

"No, no, I'm just sitting around, suffocating," I complained. His voice was rough, but not thick with phlegm like mine. He chuckled in a rhythmic format, beat after beat. He sounded like he was sinking into himself, his flesh turning to goo. I heard his lips smack together as if he was chewing on a piece of hay. I coughed, the harshness reaching him miles and miles away. "You alright?"

"Yeah." I think he was chewing gum. "Just got home."

I hummed with understanding. "Did you have a nice night?"

He made a noise of indifference. "How long you been sick?"

"Two days now and it's not getting any better." I sniffled and stuffed a tissue up my nostril, thankful that I lived alone. "Think I caught it at a New Year's Party. I'm worried I have mono."

"Why? You've been kissing a bunch of people?" His words hung in the middle of us. Both of us moving on from one another had been unspoken. We were still on a break for all intents and purposes, even if he was with Arielle. Another thing we never talked about. 

I gave the best laugh I could do without coughing. "It's supposed to be good luck. I also ate 12 grapes and banged bread against the wall."

"Did you really?" He amusingly asked.

"No, well, not the bread part." I sighed. "Now, I'm just sitting on the couch watching shitty reruns. I can't fall back asleep."

"Neither can I," he said.

I hesitated and curled up under my blanket. "Is that why you called me at 4 in the morning?" I said it with a laugh to ease any tensions that may arise.

"It's only 1 here."

"Right. I forgot about the time difference." It didn't seem right for him to be so far away permanently. None of this seemed like the correct order of things. It was a misalignment but there could be no corrective measure.

"Yeah, I kind of did too." There was a pause like he was thinking things over. Like he might have had something to say but now he couldn't find it. "I'll let you go then." In more ways than one.

*

Alex was a cloud. He was away on tour, far away and out of reach. We talked less but not intentionally. We both just got really busy and we didn't need each other for that constant contact anymore. I was plummeting toward the wildest time of my life and he was up to his usual unable-to-contact schedule. Somewhere in Australia first then opening for The Black Keys. Plus, he had Arielle.

The new girlfriend thing didn't bug me much, at least, not in the form of jealousy. It was a strange thing. I hadn't fully adjusted to the idea but it was much easier when he was nowhere near my life. If it had happened when we were younger, I think I would've punished myself for it, but I had grown into a far lighter figure who understood not everyone was trying to make a mark against me. Alex was living his own life, which for the past few years had been dedicated to one person. It was "seeing what else was out there."

I was alone for the most part. I saw Jackson nearly every day, whether for work or leisure, but I was getting used to being alone for long grasps of time. I spent time writing in my notebook like the old days. A therapy session that I locked away in a drawer. I rotted in my room for days. I watched all of The Sopranos, practiced the splits, and thought about getting a cat. It was winter and a very boring time.

But around the end of January, I did my first interview. It was small and nothing huge, but it was talking about my work in-depth for the first time with a stranger. I pretended I was talking to Alex.

Alex and I didn't stop talking completely. I called him on his birthday, briefly, and we had a long chat toward the end of January where we caught up with one another. Neither of us had much to tell. He had been touring. I had been crawling around New York doing next to nothing, besides book matters and talking about my "marketability."

Alex laughed at this. "Yeah, they tend to do that. Try to whittle you down to one trait."

"It's making me feel insecure." I laughed at it but it felt small inside me, burning its way out.

Alex hummed in agreement. "Well, at least you're not a pimple-ridden kid doing it."

It wasn't something he talked about much. He hated people giving him attention, yet he was in a career that commanded eyes to be focused on him. It was one of our many skimmed-over conversations. In some ways, it made me feel like I didn't know Alex. We both hid parts of ourselves from one another and knew that the other did this. That burning curiosity we used to have probably went out once we started to live with one another. You know someone for long enough that it begins to feel like you know every inch of them. I slept with him night after night but I wondered if I ever knew what was ticking on in his head before he fell asleep. What was he thinking when he sat outside with a closed notebook? Why did he turn away?

I didn't even know why I turned away. I wrote repeatedly in my notebook, questioning why I couldn't make it work with Alex. I resisted jumping into a relationship because of that. If I couldn't make it work with Alex then it probably wouldn't work with anyone, especially during that portion of my life. I didn't know what it meant to be alone, like really alone.

I deflected a lot. I even deflected earlier in this book. I was devastated by the loss of Alex and I don't think it hit me until much later because I always had an anvil weighing on the back of my head telling me it wasn't over. Arielle complicated those ideals and I think for a while I was on my back unable to regain upright status. I was flailing.

That's why I paused. When 2012 hit, I was forced into a corner. I felt distant from who I was but still so far away from who I was becoming. I felt like I was the roots of the tree that had been cut down. I was left to be a stump.

One night, over a joint, I told Jackson I didn't feel British. Jackson, a Californian boy through and through, did not understand this. He laughed from the high while the smoke just made me more disoriented. He told me that I was "perfectly British." To me, that sounded like some marketing strategy. That's what the book would be marketed as—a British girl coming to America; her cold skin meeting the California sun. It made me hate the book. Or I hated myself, the lines were blurring.

I thought I had grown away from forms of jealousy. I have just previously insisted to you that I experienced no feelings of envy toward Arielle...but I did. It was ignored and then it couldn't be. The "R U Mine?" music video featured Arielle and a "new" Alex. I'm not a fan of the insinuation Alex suddenly changed after we broke up, besides his hair and fresh Sheffield tattoo, I would come to know Alex was exactly the same. Alex never quite changes. He's always been suave. It's hard to take a 20-year-old as seriously as a 25-year-old, especially when he is still pimple-ridden.

I found my jealousy toward Arielle in regard to "R U Mine?" was the same as when Alex showed me "Bigger Boys and Stolen Sweethearts" because, honestly, since then Alex's only explicit romantic muse (the word makes me want to barf, but that's what I was) was me. It's the weird thing of being with a writer, especially with personal subjects. It's beautiful when it's for you but then you realize that it was never really for you. It was about you. Alex didn't write a song to make me feel loved. He wrote a song because he liked writing songs.

Unknowingly, I always felt that. It's why I didn't swoon every time I heard "Mardy Bum." I loved it as a song but it didn't feel like a love letter. I felt Alex's love in far different ways. As the years went on, I would find love letters in songs, but at the center, I found his love in crevices: a note from college, a smoke outside a pub, a cooked meal, folded laundry—god, I sound old.

But his love wasn't restricted to those songs. Just as my love isn't restricted to this tome. This is a love letter in pieces for Alex but it's also for my youth. I found around this time, I began to reflect on those early years. Nearly 10 years out from 2003, I became a preservationist. I jotted down my memory of my first conversation with Alex. I tucked it away in my drawer, no use for it yet.

*

Alex called me on my birthday. He wasn't too far away, somewhere between Portland and Boston on a bus. It was late with only an hour left to my birthday, which I had spent drinking with friends. It was a rather simple birthday. It could've been just another night, minus the cake (red velvet with frosted flowers on top of it) that Fennel and Kaka purchased for me.

Alex texted me in the morning. Something akin to Hey. Happy birthday. Al.

It was formal and if it didn't make me laugh so much I think I'd be hurt by it. But Alex always texted like that as if he was penning a letter. The letter was awfully short but it was sent at 4 AM, which made me believe he either had no sleep or had just woken up.

I was expecting more and I got more. When I was drunk.

"Hi," I said, shoving the phone to my ear as a subway train came roaring by.

He chuckled, hearing the noise. "Hi." He waited for it to pass fully before continuing, "Happy birthday."

"Thank you."

"Did you spend it good?"

"Yeah. I'm pretty drunk."

"Alright, then, I won't keep you long."

"No," I insisted. "Stay on the phone with me." I was pleading. I didn't want to let go of him. "At least, until I'm home." I wasn't far away but I lied and acted like I was further away, keeping him on the line with me, even as we lost connection at various times.

"Sorry I didn't get you anything," he said halfway through the subway ride.

"I didn't get you anything,” I reminded him.

"Yeah. Feels weird."

We hummed in silence because we both knew how abnormal this was. We weren't friends. Alex and I were never friends. Nothing ever went away or could ever go away. We were struggling to redefine what we were. We could never disentangle from one another. It pulled us back toward one another, even when we shouldn't have.

"I was going to get you that, uh, milkshake maker so you wouldn't have to pay extra at Morgenstern's for one." I didn't know a person could get so emotional over a milkshake maker that they would feel like crying on the F train. I might be the only person ever.

It was such a stupid gift. I would probably get two uses out of the machine before it broke and it wouldn't be as good as Morgenstern's makes theirs and it would go to waste. Still, I can imagine if he did get it for me. How after I unwrapped it we would go to Morgenstern's and get a pint of ice cream and Alex would make me a milkshake. One just for me. If I was feeling generous enough, we'd share the straw.

None of this would have happened, even if we were together. He'd still be in between Portland and Boston and I'd still be riding the F, wishing he was with me. It was comforting that maybe I had done the right thing, even if it felt so hard.

"Well, you can get it for me for Christmas."

He laughed and said, "Okay."

*

Black leather loafers with black wool flannel trousers. A white poplin shirt, two buttons loose at the top and at the bottom. I had a black corduroy jacket that Jackson held for me. I felt like I was dressing up in my mother's clothes. I was doing book press. It was an unfitting experience but I held the hardcover book in my hand. It felt unnatural but I liked my authour's photo.

By that point, I was so far removed from the contents of the book. I started to second-guess it even coming out. It felt like my diary, even if it was evasive at times and cut out the personal from that time (Alex is not mentioned once, not even as the person I moved to LA for). Still, it was exposing, but it was real now and it was sitting in my hand.

Alex came to town a week later, opening for The Black Keys. I didn't see the show—things were getting too busy by that point. I asked Alex if we could meet for a quick lunch and he accepted.

We met at Westville, a cute restaurant, but by no means romantic. I felt a need for that to be clear. I worried about Arielle worrying that I was trying to "steal" Alex or whatever that meant. I don't think she ever did. After all, she had the guy and I was resigned with no longer having the guy. It wasn't the bitch fight it has been imagined to be.

I waited for Alex outside the restaurant, smoking a cigarette to achieve my all-time high of cigarettes per day (this was not a good year for my lungs). I dressed in jeans and a T-shirt. I wanted to look cool but relaxed. I wore the previously mentioned black loafers to make it look like I didn't roll out of bed and throw some jeans on.

Alex wore the same thing: jeans, T-shirt, loafers...and a leather jacket. It was a hotter March day when spring was beginning to peek through and relieve the bitterness of winter. He was across the street stuck at a streetlight and I waved to him and he waved back. Then, we just stared at each other, waiting for the light to turn green.

He crossed, said hi, and hugged me. Every move was made with slight awkwardness. We hadn't been alone together since he moved out. "Have you been waiting long?" He asked.

I shook my head. "Got here early, just for a smoke. Do you want to go in now?"

"Yeah. Yeah." He bobbed his head.

I put my cigarette out and he followed me into the restaurant. "Your hair is back to normal." My natural brown. It was better for me to not play pretend when promoting a book about my own life.

"Yours isn't," I commented. It came off snarkier than I wanted it to.

He shrugged and smiled to ease the thick fat of awkwardness. "Yeah, well, you know." He didn't say it but this was the new normal for him, which was fine, but it was different from what I knew. When I dreamed about him or pictured him, it was still with a curling mop top or, you know, just the mop if I was dreaming of '09.

"Tattoo too," I added.

"Yeah."

"You're a changed man."

"Yeah."

Our heads ducked down and we stared at the menus in silence. It was a challenge of who would speak first—seriously speak, not those little comments over what looks good.

After we ordered, I said, "Sorry I'm not able to go tonight."

He waved me off. "You've already been to too many shows. Don't worry."

"Well, I like going. It feels weird not to go."

"Yeah." Somewhere in that word, I knew what he meant. It had been years since Alex had the ability to spot people in the crowd, but he told me once that there was a comfort in knowing I was somewhere in there, that even if he messed up, there would always be someone there at the end of it all. I wonder if he was still getting used to someone else being at the end of it all.

He sipped his water to cut off the look on his face. I decided to cut to the fat of it. "I, uh, have something to give you."

"Why do I feel like it's something bad?" He cracked a laugh, lifting the air in the room.

I picked up my bag. "I hope not."

I dug through my things slowly. It was held in my hands but I still had to catch my breath before I lifted it out. I saw a squint on his face as he tried to imagine what it was. I passed it across the table and his hands took it. That is when it all started to feel real; seeing his eyes land on it, his hands run down its spine with him smiling. "It's a first edition," I joked.

He raised an eyebrow, flipping it open. "Is it signed?" I laughed. I'm not sure what made me happier: him holding my book or joking around with him again. He opened the other end of the book. "Good author photo."

"I'm quite happy with it." Somewhere in that bittersweetness, I did feel content. It was never how I imagined him holding my first book. Parts of me were swallowed with sorrow that I would never experience this in the way I wanted—a desperate romantic lovemaking all-consuming kind of way—but there were small parts in me that were happy that we could still have this. I don't know if we kept dragging things out this would have been as joyous. That this would have felt like closure.

Alex looked up, meeting my eyes. A small smile played on his lips. The kind that can't be faked in any way. It was real and from the hurt. It was that pride he always had in me. The pride that kept me going for far longer than I'd ever imagined. I wrote the book, but he made the book. I never would've written anything close to it without him. I'd probably be stuck fucking Robert in London if it wasn't for him. It was my reassurance to him that he didn't have to make up for the sudden move to LA as he constantly tried to do. He wasn't in the book, but he was the book. It's why I dedicated it to him. It's why on the last page of his edition of the book I wrote: Don't make fun of me, Al. Thank you for this. I hope you know why. Love, Jane C.

I questioned the "love" part. I didn't want to make him uncomfortable but it would have been far more awkward to write something like "sincerely." I wasn't one for lying, especially about my love for Alex. It was something layered. It didn't rest in that romantic love. He wasn't just my boyfriend and he wasn't just my best friend. It's hard for a writer to find the word. It's nudged somewhere in this book. In all these little words.

"I wanted you to be the first to have it," I said. "Well, one of the first. Wanted to see the look on your face."

He looked back down at the book. Mild disbelief spread across his face as he looked back and forth between the book and me. "Thanks." He wasn't sure what else to say. He rolled everything around and looked as if he was choking on the bone of a chicken.

"It's been a little weird these past few months," I said while picking at my fingernails, an assured sign to Alex that I was referring to us. "I don't want it to feel weird. So, don't cry or anything," I joked.

He chuckled, dislodging the lump. He flipped the book over one more time before placing it on the table. "I'll try not to. I knew you could do it." He stared right at me, emphasizing every little syllable. The awkwardness faded from him and he leaned onto the table. His smile was small but bright. I could find a million different meanings in it, each meaning just as much.

"I know you did. You always did," I told him. "I had this dream last night. It was weird and blurry but we were driving around Sheffield or some weird ghost thing was driving us. It's hard to describe. I don't know. I think it was a sign or something. I'm not sure of what but just those early days of us talking. That's when I really started to write. I suppose my mind was thinking about this lunch and conjured up some old memories."

He smiled at me the whole time, eyes never leaving me, even when I glanced away. "Well, I had a dream that I was one of the animals left off of Noah's Ark, so, you tell me what that means."

I told him it had something to do with his fear of being left behind and he rolled his eyes and said I was trying to be Freud. Lunch came and we ate and laughed and agreed to split the check. He told me he would read the whole book tonight if he could. We hugged goodbye and he whispered in my ear, "I'll send you a proper review."

A few days later, Alex emailed me. It was long. Very long and detailed like he had taken a note on every page. He pulled the sentences he liked the most out, which turned out to be about half the book. I would later write back and ask what that meant for the other half of the book. He said they were left off Noah's Ark too. Continuing his initial email, Alex wrote at the bottom:

You did it. I hope you feel that too. Thank you, Al.

*

I had a book tour. A minimal one since there wasn't the highest of expectations and I didn't want to go to Omaha, Nebraska. So, there was Boston, New York, Atlanta, Chicago, Houston, and Los Angeles. I hated the whole thing. I always wanted to go to these places but I wasn't really going to these places. We lingered in Chicago at the end of July, but it was the equivalent of touring with Alex, except this time I was Alex.

I've never enjoyed talking about my work either but it was nice that people thought it was nice. But that part still felt awkward to me too. Like, people actually read this??? It eased up as it went along. It was a short tour anyway. I wasn't going to Tokyo or anything.

I thought about myself a lot. It was a little lonely but I had adapted to that. Jackson was my only company on the road and it was easy for us to get sick of one another. We had both grown bored with one another, both slightly exhausted from these months so closely intertwined. I thought about Al, often. I thought about myself, often.

Could it be possible that I did everything right? No. I never thought that but I didn't think I did everything wrong. I had cracks in the surface of me and guts that spilled out. I said everything with my pen but nothing with my lips. I hid myself under the disguise of a freshly lonesome girl who knew the only means to move on was to forget. But I didn't forget anything, only myself, just for a little. Pieces of me dropped on the side of the highway. We drove for days and I found no meaning in it, only wondering did he feel like this all the time? How did he bear this loss of self?

I asked myself questions and never got any answers. I felt everything but there was never any meaning in it. There were closed-off vessels, no means to transport blood or oxygen, yet, I was still moving. I suppose that was the only thing left to cling to. I still had the memory of it and those never made me sad. I experienced it. How fortunate was I to be cracked open and exposed to this impenetrable love? I still felt it. We were both on the end of the same wire. It was bent and twisted, knots made to keep strong but disrupt transmission. No love lost. Just changed. I know good comes from change. I didn't feel the goodness but I could taste it coming. So much else was happening. I would hate myself forever for wasting those precious few days of enjoyment in place of a relationship that didn't need nourishment anymore. It was about me. I wanted it to be about me for so long and it finally was. Don't waste it.

The mini-tour ended in LA at the start of August. Summer had whipped me in the face so hard I forgot the season even existed, until I was stuck in the sweaty, SoCal heat, dying for a drop of water. The first night—the day before the Q&A and book signing—Jackson and I got dinner and drinks with Opal.

It was nice to let loose after feeling so pinned up for most of the summer. The liquor soothed my sunburnt skin and I decided the tour as a whole wasn't too bad—I was about 3 drinks in at this point. Then, after another drink, I texted Alex telling him I was in town. The last we chatted was a week or so before when the band opened for the London Olympics. I watched it later on YouTube and told him he did a bang-up job. He told me he nearly shat himself.

Alex had returned to LA since. The city had become his permanent home since the tour had ended. He bought a house out here and everyone in the band, for the most part, had relocated too. So, in my drunken state, I told him I was there and we should hang before I went back to New York.

When I woke up, it was an embarrassing text of I'm in LA, AL. Even in my drunken state, I wrote with proper grammar. Alex wrote back, Come on over. This was in the early hours of the day so he must have been up by some similar means too.

The following night, I panicked. I wondered if this is what single people felt like all the time. Prior to this, I had never faced intimidation when hanging out with Alex, except maybe when I was 17 and that type of thing could be labelled as teenage anxiety. But, no, this was a thing that would plague me the rest of my dating life and I wasn't even going on a date with him. Alex is the only "ex" I had stayed in contact with up to that point. Most of my friends didn't do this type of thing either, at least not Opal who lived by the mentality that once people were gone they were gone forever.

Half my anxiety came from the limited wardrobe out of my suitcase but considering it was just dinner and a dinner that would be had with the other bandmates and the girlfriends, there should've been no pressure. I wouldn't have told you this at the time, I barely want to write it down now, but the nerves I felt weren’t because of Alex, they were because of Arielle. Part of me wanted to be conceived as a non-threat. I was over those days. The other part of me—the stronger part—wanted her to be jealous of me and question why Alex and I ever broke up. I wasn't fully-formed yet. 

The two sides fought and then I just settled on jeans and a tank top because it was boiling outside and I was having drinks at Al's place, not the Windsors. Luckily, I showed up after Jamie and Katie so I thought of using Katie as a shield. I didn't accept Katie and Arielle to be talking though. The word traitor crossed through my brain and then I thought I must be regressing to my college days when Rosie and Will would feel each other up in front of me. Arielle was nice and I was probably an anxious bitch.

So, I hugged both of them as Alex came into the living room. He was staggering, dressed casually beside his uniform slicked hair. "Hey there," he greeted. He was calm, not an awkward bone in his body. He knew he had the upper hand. We were on his home turf with his hot girlfriend and I was a single mess who had been on plane after plane and stunk of cigarettes.

The room was hot with sweat dripping off every surface it seemed. The air conditioner was running but the flaming air came rushing in with the swing of the front door as Matt and Breana entered. The room became distracted by them, both looking darling. I hugged each of them, distracting myself in their grasp.

Arielle had lit candles for the dining table. It was the only thing formal about the informal event. The house itself was rather bare. Alex never carried much, I was always the one with the shit. 

Alex tapped my arm. "You want a drink?"

"What do you have?" I asked.

He waved his arm and I followed him to the kitchen, isolating ourselves. "Beer, wine, tequila, vodka, all the fixings. I can make you something if you'd like. Margarita?"

"Anything non-alcoholic?" Alcohol would ease my nerves but it would lead to my loud mouth and I couldn't afford that tonight.

He looked bewildered. "Who are you?" He joked.

We kept our distance. I pushed my hair behind my shoulder. "Got real drunk with Opal and Jackson last night. Figured I'd keep it clean. At least for now."

"Right then. Iced tea?"

He knew me well. I laughed at his smile and agreed to this. I moved closer to the refrigerator to just feel the cold air on my skin. He poured the glass, leaving the door open for me. I chugged the coldness like it was the elixir of life. It felt like my lungs re-inflated when the liquid dispersed and his eyes looked at mine again, so clearly over that fogged-up glass. Wet brown eyes into my baby blues and it felt like he might reach out and snatch them out of my eyes and keep them for himself. He always liked them. He has a thing for blue eyes.

We talked around the dining table, eating a mix of something Arielle had cooked and pizza. I had the pizza. Everyone talked loosely about things I had no knowledge of. Jokes about LA and all these people I had no concept of. I suppose if they had come to New York it would have been similar, except they all shared this with one another.

The sweet Breana turned the attention onto me, which partially made me shrink and revel in the joy of being included. "Oh, Jane, I loved the book!" Everyone chanted in similar sentiments all at once.

I laughed and took a bite of my pizza crust. "You didn't all read it," I laughed.

"I read parts of it," Jamie said. They were all sweet but I'm unsure how often any of them even had the chance to pick up a book, let alone their best friend's ex-girlfriend. Because that's what I was now. That was my title.

Alex looked at me. I could hear my mother's words ringing through his lips so I smiled and said, "Thank you."

"Disappointed I wasn't in it more," Matt said. "You know if it wasn't for me the book would've never been made." The long story of it has made that true but I can't give Matt credit for everything, it might go to his head too much.

"How's that?" Arielle asked. Everything shifted after that. We could all tell that she had been the wrong one to ask that question. Whether she was clueless and curious or was trying to make a dig at Alex, I wasn't sure, but I felt like an imposition being there. I didn't feel like an out-of-town friend. I felt like an ex-girlfriend.

Nobody spoke so I spoke. "Matt introduced me and Alex." I sipped my drink to wash down any other awkwardness.

Everyone seemed awkward other than Arielle. She quickly nodded and said, "Oh, yeah, Al told me that." I wondered why everyone else was so stiff when Arielle didn't seem to have much of a problem with it. Why should she when she looked like that?

I felt frumpy and had to pee badly from all the iced tea I had drank but I was too scared to go to the bathroom and see her things mixed with Alex's things. I could leave there with ambiguity and the belief that Alex didn't move on so quickly and I was stuck being alone.

"That was our first gig," Matt said. He seemed to relax, always the person to slice through any amount of tension. "Almost 10 years ago now."

"What was it like?" Arielle asked.

"Awful," Alex said. His eyes pointed toward me. "Right?"

"I don't know. I never reviewed it, remember?" He laughed and it felt inappropriate to display this inside language in front of everyone. "It feels weird that I'm the only one here who watched it." Even if that had been the case for many years, it had been a while since we all gathered around in a circle and talked about those days.

"I wasn't even there," Nick remarked. The room buckled with chuckles.

I laid my forehead against the palm of my hand resting against the table. "God," I said, "I spent that whole show with Will’s hand on my ass and Joanie screaming in my ear."

"Oh, god, Joanie," Matt muttered.

"Oh, god, Will," Jamie cracked.

"She got married last month," I told them. She had invited me but I was in the middle of the tour. We talked about once a year and everything was always nice. The only time I would've had the chance of running into her was when Alex and I visited Sheffield and that obviously wasn't happening anymore.

"Bless that man's heart," Matt quipped.

I shook my head. "No, she seems to have settled down in the last few years. I guess we all did. Seems so long ago."

"It was," Alex said. "We're getting old, Janie." His silence punctured the air. My lungs felt like they were deflating. He poured himself another glass.

Things grew looser and looser. They rattled off stories of LA, I rattled off stories from the road. Arielle excused herself to bed, citing an early morning. Her bed was upstairs.

Each couple left one by one until Alex and I awkwardly remained. I figured then I should leave. He walked me to the door with a freshly poured glass in his hand. "Hope I didn't keep you up too late," I said because I wasn't sure what else to say. It reminded me of what my parents said to each other after a fight. It was the one thing they clung to in order to keep their marriage somehow working.

He shook his head and sipped. "No, no. It's fine. You're always good company."

I shrugged. The whole thing kind of felt awkward, at least with him. I could laugh with Matt and throw my arm around Katie, even hug Arielle good night, but whenever my eyes landed on Alex, I tensed up so tightly I knew I'd be sore the next day. "If you're ever in New York or whatever."

He nodded and smiled. He would be visiting his old apartment. I wondered how that would make him feel. Was it the same when I walked into his house and noticed different shoes by the door than mine? Would the emptiness of his presence leave him uneasy? "I'd like that," Alex said.

"Thanks for having me." We reached the door and the end of the night but we stayed awkwardly staring at each other.

"Course. Text me when you're back at the hotel and safe and all that." He was drunk, rambling with an incapability of holding his tongue.

I smiled. "I will."

I didn't know whether to hug him or not. He leaned forward and kissed me. It wasn't affectionate. It was a peck. The kind my mother used to give me when left for school in the morning. Of course, she was my mother and I was 7 and Alex was drunk and I was, well, awkward. 

I said, "Night," and turned away. We never talked about it because there was nothing to talk about. It very well could have been a kiss on the cheek just like I gave Katie and Breana before they left. Of course, that was Katie and Breana and this was Alex—no longer mine.

*

Rain pattered against the window. Jackson and I returned to New York a week prior and we were now sitting in my apartment, drinking, and about to call Opal to join us. I felt dizzy and Jackson looked sleepy. It had been a long month.

"So," he said, "what's next?"

I finished off my glass. "What do you mean?" The year felt empty as the cold was beginning to creep into my summer warmth. 2012 was a bumpy year where so much yet so little happened. I was growing sick of my apartment because no matter how rid it was of Alex, he still had a whole life with me here. When I returned to it after the book tour, I was ready to move on.

Jackson placed his arm on the back of the couch. The tips of his fingers softly poked at my shoulder. "Now it's time to think about the next book."

I tossed my head back with a groan. "Gimme a break."

He chuckled and placed his empty glass on the end table. "No rush. For now."

I sat up straight, finishing off my glass, and growing more and more serious every day. "Thanks for doing this for me, Jackson."

He nodded. "My pleasure."

"I feel kind of empty," I confessed.

His brows furrowed. "What do you mean?"

I didn't feel like explaining it. I was growing tired of doing that with people. My stomach ached and I pushed Alex out of my mind. I felt that I had sacrificed our relationship for this success, even if it wasn't true. I thought I would have been over it by that time of year. It had been over a year. But it still felt so unnatural for him to feel so far removed from my life. Every word we spoke felt tinged with sadness and I didn't want it to feel that way. I wanted to move on.

I kissed Jackson. He kissed back. We never called Opal.

*

Jackson and I started dating in a casual way. We were exclusive to one another and treated each other as a boyfriend and girlfriend would but I suppose my association with dating was always a far deeper connection. I wasn't alone in this. Jackson had long-term girlfriends prior to me. He was older than me, not by some outrageous amount. He was born in 1979, seven years older, but I was 26 and 33 didn't feel so far off.

Opal loved it. She felt like the ultimate matchmaker and wanted to be both the maid of honor and the best man. My New York crew loved him. Fennel and Kaka found him to be rich in conversation. He liked going out more than Alex but then again most people liked going out more than Alex. Except more and more it seemed Alex enjoyed the going out part. (I was taken but I was still a snooping ex-girlfriend).

I didn't tell Alex. It felt awkward to call him up and tell him I got a new boyfriend. I decided to tell him when I saw him again, which didn't come up. He was in Los Angeles. I was in New York. We didn't talk very often either. I think I called him once in October because I couldn't remember the name of a restaurant we went to (he didn't remember either). 

Other than that, there wasn't much reason to talk. We had completely separate lives. But I was aware of what he was up to. I wasn't cyber-stalking him much anymore (only on nights when I was wildly intoxicated). I talked to Katie occasionally and texted Breana from time to time. Things about Alex would slip through the cracks and get to me but the majority of it was just that they were recording their new album.

We had both moved on. Or we were both pretending we did. At least I was pretending, in some form. I thought about him all the time. I didn't feel like a day went by when I didn't think about him. It wasn't in some romantic longing way. I had shared a life with him from such a young age and to be forced apart from it felt unnatural. There were so many jokes and stories that went untold because no one would get it but him.

When I went back home for the holidays, I confided this to my mother. I don't know why, maybe because of what she had told me so many years ago in Florida. I don't know if my mother ever actually liked Alex so I figured if she said awful things about him it would make me feel better. Of course, she didn't.

"It goes away," she said. "One day, you wake up and you're numb to it. You just get numb to it in the end, Jane. All those people you hated and loved turn to nothing. Even the ones you still want to love. You'll be thankful for it when the day comes that you don't feel anything anymore."

I frowned and my mother left me on the couch to fetch another bottle of wine. In retrospect, my mother was suffering from mental illness, but I was oblivious to that because I had grown oblivious to most of my mother's behavior. I just didn't want to engage with it anymore. Maybe part of me was numb toward her.

I didn't want to feel nothing. I couldn't imagine not feeling anything for Alex, even if we remained friends for the rest of our lives. I had tethered so much sentimentality toward him, he might as well have been a knick-knack on my shelf. Letting go of him would be letting go of an entire part of myself. I was content if that part only came out once a year when I saw him but I couldn't let go of it forever.

*

Joanie was having a baby. She likely got pregnant on her honeymoon. Someone my age having a child felt unnatural. I pictured Joanie being a teen mum, not a 26-year-old pregnant woman. She invited me to the baby shower taking place right after Christmas. It was ideal timing since all her closest friends would be in town or, like me, the country.

I debated going but decided that since I missed the wedding the least I could do was go to the baby shower. So, I drove the Beetle up to Wakefield. I figured it would be a mini-reunion. The only one I had seen as of late was Claire, who lived in Bristol now, and I hadn't seen since last winter.

We drove up together and listened to Radio 2 on full blast the whole way. I don't think I had ever felt more like a teenager even when I was a teenager. Claire continued her streak of always being a comfort for me. While other friends might be wedding and birthing, Claire had just ended her two-year-long relationship and gagged in her mouth at the thought of being a mother one day. 

It made me miss England so desperately. I forgot how much I ached to drive, which I hadn't done in years. The closest I had gotten to a car was the one taxi ride home drunk at 4 AM. And to drive on the left side of the road! I hadn't heard someone speak in a British accent since the dinner at Alex's. It eased my ears and made me wonder why I ever left, which just led to me thinking about Alex again.

Claire said, "I hate Alex, which sucks 'cause I like Alex." In a way, it summed up how conflicted I felt. Hate is a strong word but I was resentful for how everything went down. Then again, I probably didn't have much of a right.

Joanie's house was straight out of a picture book. I didn't know houses like that even existed in Wakefield. It wasn't fancy but at the sight of it, you'd call it a home. She had a little garden in the front that she said her husband grew herbs in that she used for cooking. It made Claire and I roll our eyes but we both desperately wanted that kind of companionship. If I ever would learn how to cook or grow plants, maybe that could be my life. I refused to do either, but it was a nice thought.

I bought Joanie—or Joanie's baby—these cozy fleece booties because that's what New York Magazine said to get. I never bought anything for a baby before (I got away with it two years ago during Harper's unmentioned pregnancy of my first nephew, Benjamin, by having my mother buy a gift for me) so I had no clue what to get. I bought Joanie this nice set of body washes that were her favourite when we were 17 with the hope that they either still were or she would feel nostalgic over them.

Claire and I ate a slice of cake and watched Joanie open her presents. Halfway through we turned to each other and decided we were going to go out drinking after. I love Joanie but oohing and awing over baby gifts with a bunch of women I barely knew got old quickly, especially incredibly sober and in the middle of the winter blues. The cake was good though.

The shower ended around 4 and while I was down to get hammered that early, Claire wanted to go out to lunch first. We ended up meeting up with AB at a pub. I hadn't seen AB since 2006 and I nearly cried at the sight of him all grown up. Claire and AB had broken up long ago but stayed in touch as good friends and if they could do it—two incredibly mature people—maybe Alex and I could too. 

AB's girlfriend of two years (and future wife), Shay, joined us as well. It almost made me barf how gorgeous they were together and I was shocked Claire wasn't fuming more over how beautiful Shay was. I was almost fuming over how beautiful Shay was!

AB sipped on a beer, which I don't think I had ever witnessed. He shared it was Shay and I swallowed down my drink at the painful thought that Alex and I once did things like that. I was such a sad sack. I thought about calling Jackson. Thank god I didn't.

We left the pub, hugging AB and Shay goodbye next to the Beetle. Claire and I were going to go back to the hotel to change out of our baby shower clothes and "hit the town.”

We waved goodbye to the couple and that's when I saw Alex with his mum. I turned my back to him and grabbed Claire's arm. "I think I'm gonna vomit."

She looked at me completely puzzled. "What? Why?"

I was so freaked out by the sight of him. I think the unexpected nature of it threw me off-balanced. I had never been that unnerved by the sight of him. My head felt like my brain was about to burst out of my ears. "Get in the car," I harshly muttered to her.

She was still unaware but she raced around the side of the car to get into the passenger seat. We bolted out of there before he crossed the street.

*

It was midnight when I called him. I was definitely drunk, but not wasted, standing outside a club smoking while Claire chatted up with some guy inside. I was freezing and felt so childish for doing it, even in the moment, but I wanted to see him. It shouldn't feel right that I was here and he wasn't.

"Hello." His voice was clear so he hadn't been sleeping. I wonder if he was in bed (with Arielle).

I swallowed whatever dignity I had left and let the rest loose. "Hey. I'm in Wakefield for Joanie's baby shower 'cause apparently we're old enough to have children now and now I'm out with Claire at a club. We drove up together from Bath, well, Bristol for her, Bath for me, but you know that. Jesus. I saw you earlier today and raced into my car because I was so scared by the sight of you, which made me realize I'm not as mature as I thought I was. And it was just after we went to lunch with AB and Shay and Claire and AB still get along like they didn't have this romantic relationship and I know that we get along too but I raced to my car and nearly shit myself. Now, I'm outside a club smoking in the middle of winter because I apparently regress back to teenage tendencies when I'm in Yorkshire or maybe just England in general. Anyway, I'm drunk and I'm thinking this was stupid and it probably is but I know you're probably laughing at me right now but I'm freezing my ass off and I can't figure out how to get back inside the club and Claire isn't answering her phone, which means she's probably shagging someone or something and I wouldn't want to interrupt that, you know, and I probably should just get a cab back to the hotel but I called you for some reason. Well, not for some reason because I'm drunk. Okay, now you talk."

I was out of breath and sure I had just lost my mind. I need another shot of tequila. I felt I was growing too sober to face the repercussions of this. I took a drag of my cigarette and listened to his breathing on the other end of the line.

I could hear his smile. I still had a knack for that kind of thing. "I saw you too, you know."

I slapped my forehead and thought about slamming my head into the brick wall until it broke my skull and my brain gushed out. "Did it look like we were being held at gunpoint?"

He chuckled lowly. "A little. But I must've looked like someone pointed a gun at me. I'd recognize that car anywhere, Janie."

I didn't know what to say. My car was such a sensitive topic for both of us. It was the cornerstone (ha) of our relationship, especially for the car to be returned to its rightful county. I thought I'd feel weird driving it but everything felt right like it was a complete homecoming. Like nature had found its way and every piece fell perfectly into the puzzle.

"I thought I would be grown up by now," I confessed.

He suppressed a laugh. "I like you this way. Makes me feel less alone."

"How so?"

He waited, not wanting to fully let the truth go but it was me he was talking to. There wasn't much point in lying. "I've called you in various states of intoxication too."

"Not after running to your car," I pointed out.

"Yeah, well, I'm sure I'll do it one of these days." It was a silence but a vibration rang across the line to one another. Call it a vibe or a wavelength or just a feeling, but I could feel him like he was standing right next to me. "Where are you?"

It was so embarrassing I laughed. "Che & Coco." It was Barnsley College's resident bar and nightclub. The average age of the crowd was barely 20 and I felt like such a loser trying to claim that nostalgia is what made me want to club there.

"Geez, you really are down bad." His laughter rang through the phone and I nearly hung up due to how beet red my face was. He laughed and laughed. I could picture him with his hands on his knees, walking home from Will's house, unable to breathe he was laughing so hard. Then, I couldn't breathe. "You want me to pick you up?"

I'd like that a lot but I couldn't take it. That was a bridge too far. "No, no. I'll just call a taxi or something. Maybe even walk. My hotel isn't that far."

"You're gonna walk in Barnsley at midnight? Hope you don't get hit with a beer bottle," he joked. That had happened to Will back in the day. I'm convinced it made him even dumber if that's possible.

"I've walked later than this in New York," I reasoned.

"Janie," he stopped me, "I'd like to see you if you won't run away from me."

I sighed. "I'll see you in 20. I'll be waiting on Peel." Because maybe I would like to see him too.

He pulled up in his mum's car. It wasn't her car from way back in the day but it made him feel sophomoric to me. His hair wasn't gelled up, instead falling around in tendrils of combed-back magic. He had a hoodie on and a smile on his face. He honked the horn of the car and I dashed across the street to his car.

The car was warm, at least warmer than outside where I had been suffering. I tugged my coat closer and put my seatbelt on. "Hi."

Alex smiled over at me. "Hi." He pulled back onto the road and I couldn't remember the last time he had driven me. "How've you been?"

I shrugged in his peripheral vision. "Fine. Christmas was fine. My dad bought me Slouching Toward Bethlehem."

Alex laughed. "About 10 years too late."

"Yeah, but at least he's trying. I can't remember the last time he bought me a gift." My mother handled all the presents, something she was rather good at, even if it always felt like she didn't know me.

We stopped at a red light. "I didn't get anything for you," he said while looking over at me.

"Well, I didn't get you anything either." First time in eight years. It didn't even cross my mind. "This is enough of a present anyway."

He nodded in agreement. "Good." I believed him. The nod of his head told me that this meant as much to me as it did to me. Drunk actions are sober thoughts and sometimes I just wanted to hear his voice.

We kept driving. I had yet to tell him any directions. He was headed the right way but I wouldn't have had the willpower to tell him anyway. I liked driving around with him. I liked just this. The vibration of the road beneath us and the scent of him washing over me. The slowness of Yorkshire and the heat of him beside me. It made everything feel right.

"Arielle come with you?"

He rubbed his eye. He looked tired. "Nah. She went to her parents’." I nodded and he waited, looking over at me. I stared at him blankly. He looked back at the road and kept the car moving. "What about, uh, Jackson?"

My head snapped toward him. "He's at his parents’." I picked at my nails. I didn't want to talk about this. Why did it feel like I was cheating on him? It felt like Alex had died and I was some widower trying to move on but his ghost was coming back to shame me.

"Katie mentioned something," he muttered.

"Yeah," I explained, "just a few months."

He nodded slowly. "He's a nice guy." I laughed out loud. He laughed too, for some reason. "What?"

I shook my head. "We don't have to talk about my boyfriend."

"Okay. We don't have to talk about Arielle." It was probably some form of cheating, emotionally. We gazed at one another and never acted on anything, but the aftertaste of it didn't feel right. But in the moment, everything had fallen perfectly into place.

We went nowhere and neither of us said a single thing about it. The drive from the club to my hotel was ten minutes. We drove around for an hour.

"Joanie's house is beautiful. It's like my dream house. It isn't big but it's not a cottage or anything. But it's quaint. She's got plants and I never thought Joanie could take care of a living thing and now she's gonna have a baby," I told him. I fiddled with the radio, even though we weren't gonna listen to it.

"Are you sure they aren't fake?" He joked. I chuckled and hit his shoulder. "Eh! Watch it. I'm driving here, missy."

I held my hands up as a defense. I eased them back down with a giggle and tugged on my seatbelt strap. "You know, I thought I'd have a baby by now."

He snorted. "No, you did not."

"At one point I did. I mean, back before you. Like when I was still playing with dolls." 

He laughed again and everything made sense. "Good thing you don't. You can't even keep a plant alive."

"They're not self-sufficient enough."

"And you think a baby will be easier?"

"Not anymore but at six I did! It was right around when Stacey was born. I took good care of her."

Alex felt warm with a smile. "You did." He was an only child but at times I felt he might consider her a sister too. She considered him a brother. He had been around since she was 11. She was only a little over a year away from graduating university. 

"Granted I didn't have to breastfeed her."

It was still dark outside but it felt like the sun was rising in that car. "You wouldn't be happy living Joanie's life."

"How do you know?" I questioned. "Maybe if I was settled I'd feel better."

Alex's jaw gaped. He breathed a laugh and I looked over at him curiously. "Jane, you'd be losing your mind. The whole time I knew you here, you were begging to get out of here."

"Maybe I had it all wrong."

He shook his head, never looking over at me, just driving. "You're a completely different person because you got out of here. You're gonna get all that stuff one day. The kid, the garden, whatever the fuck you want, but you'd never have what you have no if you stayed put. You always knew what you wanted. Your gut is always right. I've learned that."

I sighed and accepted he was right. "Grass is always greener, I guess."

"Yeah," he agreed. "But I think you have the greenest grass. You're the one who's a bestseller."

I rolled my eyes and leaned on the center console. "She's the one with the husband and baby."

He scoffed, "So is half the world. You have a tough time being proud of your accomplishments."

I gasped. "Look who's talking. My god!"

Alex chuckled and it felt like food for my soul. Fertilizer to my soil to keep growing. "Fair enough. But be cocky every once and a while, Janie. You deserve it."

I took what he said to heart but ignored him. I wanted to talk about something else. I wanted to put my feet in his lap and ride to Charlton Brook. Instead, I leaned back and looked at him. "We used to talk about the future so much and now it's come and gone."

"You're not dead yet." But we were. I think that's what I really meant. All those things I had planned with him and I had to be content with letting them go. Watching those promises slip through my fingers. I had no right to feel that way but it's all I felt.

I wanted to tell him I loved him with the windows rolled down and the cold air rushing in because he used to let me do that. I believe that right had been revoked. "I missed it here." The truth was hidden in those words, in between the lines, deep in those letters, stuffed in between them.

He hummed, glancing over. "Me too. Everything feels a little simpler."

I heard the radio speaking, ringing some familiar tune that I couldn't think of the name. Maybe if it had been a little simpler and Alex and I stayed there forever, in the car ride between Wakefield and High Green, we'd have a house, a garden, a ring, a little thing on the way. 

But I would've missed out on a lot more. I would have missed out on a lot of Alex. How he was with his hair long in the middle of Joshua Tree, looking over at me instead of the night sky. How he made up our bed in our London studio apartment into a couch because we didn't have enough space for one. How he felt sitting next to me on the C train at 2 AM. How he felt in the dead of winter in Yorkshire, somehow ending up at my hotel with a hoodie I used to wear and a smile he still wears just for me.

I'll never know otherwise. And that's fine.

*

a/n: this was a struggle but i think it landed right in the end. much, much more to come.

[diyasgarden]

Meeting Patrick post 2012 when he’s on tour. Is he doing great? No of course not, but somehow you end falling in love with him anyway. Simultaneously the best and worst decision of your life.

And I want what I want / And I want / You / To love me / You

No one in your life get what you see in him. He's a failing tennis player. He seems to be going no where in life. They all just assume the sex must be amazing, and while that is true, you know it's deeper than that. Patrick is magnetic to you. You don't know what about him makes you want him so badly, but you want to his in every sense of the word. You want his love, simply because it is what you want. There is no logic to it. There never will be.

And I know that you do / In the dark / I know that you do / And I know that you know / That you got the protector to pick me up / And I want you to use it / Blast the music / Bang it, bite it, bruise it

It's not that he doesn't love you. You know he does. Even when he doesn't say it out loud. You can tell by little things. The way he looks at you. The way he reaches out to touch you. The way he is in bed. So yes you know he loves you, but when all you get are these small little moments, you feel desperate for more.

Whenever you want to begin, begin/ We don't have to go back to where we been / I am the woman who wants you to win

You're perceptive enough to know there is probably a reason why he's unable to be loud about his love for you. You can tell he's been hurt, and even if you don't know the details, you know it's the type of hurt that takes decades to heal. You're willing to keep your relationship as it is. There is nothing overtly wrong with how it is, but you know it doesn't have to be this way. You won't hurt him like like the people of his past. Can't he see that? You want to be there for him. You want him to succeed. You want him to be happy. Is he blind to this? Sometimes it feels like that. You wish he could see it as clearly as you feel it.

And I've been waiting / Waiting for / You /To love me / You /You

You'll wait for him. You know you will. He's the only one who makes you feel this way. And to some extent you know he needs you. You know he loves you, even if he can only show it in his weird way. So you'll wait. It's okay. It's worth it for love like this.

[winteromance]

fall in love and again fall and again

challengers (2024) / happy all the time - laurie colwin / frances ha (2012) / everything is romantic - charli xcx / holly warburton / graceland too - phoebe bridgers / boygenius on tour / patricia - florence & the machine / cha cha real smooth (2022) / everything is romantic remix - caroline polacheck, charli xcx