#2 strangers trying to connect and relate to each other. which is nice!

[grimxark]

I love how family-centered ROTB is. Everyone feels like a family: of course, you have Noah and his brother and mom, but you also have Noah attempting to be the “older, assertive sibling” to Elena (it didn’t feel like romance to me, just two people bonding over growing up in a hard place) and even accept Mirage into his family. Mirage inserts himself in the House team, bonds with Noah’s little brother, they care for each other. I didn’t really see any sort of chemistry between them, but I’m not judging people for that.

I just think it’s nice. Noah shows genuine pride at seeing Elena on the news, he’s relieved for his brother, he cares for Mirage and in turn Mirage cares for him. Noah isn’t quite in Mirage’s family as Mirage is in his: because the Autobots are a family, one that tries to mirror what Noah has going on. I think Elena sums it up pretty well in the movie (comparing Optimus to Noah, two soldiers who are too worried about taking responsibility for every inconvenience that happens around them to really worry about themselves) and I think it’s a nice way to put it

[ctl-yuejie]

what did you eat yesterday? - season 2 ep 10

okay...sth is going on with the gaga subs this week...a heads-up to anyone watching they are really weird in some places (as far as I paid attention)

It feels like I am starting every other sentence for this show with "I love that---" "I like that---", but truely they are doing great.

The lightness of their interactions where the heating element becomes the focal story while Kenji actually has major news to tell. Particularly because he just seems to remember it while talking to Shiro-san.

If anything, I can appreciate that this show gives me a heads-up on what kind of things I might have to deal with when I get even older which do not need a doctors attention but are just signs of the time we lived in our bodies.

I have to admit I don't remember much of Kenji's mom from last season but their relationship is fascinating. There is somehow a family resemblance but obviously in a different way, since they have lived apart for so long.

Kenji and Shiro-san are are both so stiff it is hilarious. The sisters are so lively just like Kenji. They really are nailing the family dynamics. Particularly the only son in the midst of a female only family.

This looks expensive but I am going to try and remember that place. It looks amazing. god, I could kill for some seabream sashimi *sigh* sea bream is my favourite fish for sashimi.

the eels.....i am always wildly fluctuaing between freaking out about the bones and loving the taste. have to try it without the sauce some time.

I love how the families are mixing through their appreciation of food.

Let Kenji drink his tea in peace!!!

I love how his mom not only thought about Kenji, when the son of her customer died, but thought about the relationships in his life and realized that Shiro-san needed a place in her family

oh my.

they used "身内 " it's a common word and all, but a lot of times me and my friends use it when talking about coming out or existing as queer people. as in "only telling people you are very close with" or "keeping it a secret from your biological family". there are many more words to express closeness and family but this one really is about something being so close it is part of you.

And to have it used to include Shiro-san is so moving.

The sibling dynamics are superb. How Kenji and Shiro-san look after the three women leaving and Shiro-san asking:

"そこに俺もいるのかな " (Am I there as well?/ Is there a place for me as well?)

Shiro-san is frugal most of the time, but I can vibe even more with Shiro-san making do with what he's got at home in order to balance out splurging on that fantastic family dinner with eel.

I knew we were getting some hot pot action for the heating element. tbh the hot pot looks a bit empty....but sesame dipping sauces and pork is the superior combination.

ahhhh!!! Shiro-san buying the ramen not only because he craved some since Kenji had them, but knowingly buying the type that Kenji loves...it is in the small things and the detail

seeing them eat i am craving a cold beer now (god...If they call her mom-sensei one more time i am going to revolt - the subtitles are wilding)

"縁のある場所 " (a fateful place, a place with a connection/tie to something or somebody) is the way Shiro-san describes the restaurant his colleague introduced to him on their first meeting " 他人でも身内である " (a stranger but part of this episodes central theme is the seeming juxtaposition of strangers with those closest to you and placements and places

one of the ways "身内 " is explained on the online etymology site is with "ごく親しい血縁関係にある人", " a person closely related by blood " which was neat, since it connected nicely to the " 縁のある場所 "

the way Kenji's mom says that even if Shiro-san is a stranger he is part of their family's inner circle. and Shiro-san and Kenji have found a place with each other and Shiro-san now has a place within Kenji's family. it is unlikely that Kenji might die before his mother which makes me adore her choice even more to meet Shiro-san and give him a place within the family not only for that eventuality but in the present as well.

this show really hits a good spot in showcasing how Shiro-san and Kenji live monogamically (sp?) while never making it seem like they are "assimilating" into straight culture. it is 2am - maybe i will be able to expand on this some other time

"praise me" Kenji is a delight.

[queensusanthemagnificent]

It’s Gushing About Cinderella 1997 Time Again

Okay, so instead of color theory, today, I’m looking at Cinderella’s journey with trust, the Prince’s inability to recognize her at the ball, and how that aspect of the original fairytale got utilized to further along the theme of learning to trust people to love you for who you are.

Part 1: The Prince Meets Cinderella

When the prince meets Cinderella just after The Sweetest Things, there is no magic involved at all, and he’s IMMEDIATELY smitten with her. Just thinks she’s the most beautiful girl he’s ever seen and makes no bones about trying to figure out how to ask her out even after she’s excused herself to go about her day. Cinderella is visibly uncomfortable with the attention, but doesn’t completely turn him away. We know from The Sweetest Things that she WANTS love, that she yearns for it even, but the moment someone turns around and gives it to her, she doesn’t seem to know what to do with it anymore. She’s mostly confused by the prince’s behavior, but ultimately gains enough confidence and chutzpah to call him out on continuing to pester her even when she’s made it fairly clear she’s not interested by asking him if he even knows how to treat a woman.

And of course has her iconic line:

He sticks his foot in his mouth right after by saying she’s “not like most girls” which I will somewhat excuse as we know the prince has grown up massively sheltered and has likely not spoken to many women outside of the trappings of nobility who are all attempting to gain his or his parents’ favor, particularly as a suitor (we also know from a later scene that his mother has been attempting to set him up for a while and this is likely how he has met most women he’s ever interacted with).

Cinderella chooses to be forgiving and admits that she’s led a fairly sheltered life, thus how she’s gained her opinions I suppose, and the prince admits the same and they really seem to connect TOGETHER for the first time before the stepmother interrupts. Despite her choice to try to walk away from the prince when he initially showed interest in her, Cinderella risks her stepmother’s impatience and irritation by turning back one last time to watch the prince leave. She WANTS love, she WANTS to trust that someone could be interested in her like this, but she doesn’t completely trust it to happen or to last.

Part 2: The Prince sees Cinderella at the Ball

The next time the prince sees Cinderella is at the ball. He’s just spent the last several hours making nice with a bunch of women he doesn’t know and isn’t interested in so he can appease his mother. Presumably, he could probably expect the girl he met in the marketplace a few days ago might make an appearance given that the invite went out to all the girls in the kingdom, but he never mentions it. While it was clearly a nice connection to make in the moment, he seems to mostly chalk it up to a successful trip to the village, made nicer by a pretty girl and doesn’t think much about it afterwards, esp since the problem of the ball comes up immediately and his attention gets derailed.

In other words, the prince is not thinking about Cinderella anymore. Not maliciously, but he’s got other things on his mind, so when she shows up and he doesn’t recognize her despite having flirted with her only a few days ago, it’s somewhat understandable. Plus, she’s all made up with a completely different hairstyle and a nice dress and they have only met ONCE, for a few minutes total, several days ago.

But, that being said, while he doesn’t recognize her, he IS once again immediately smitten with her, and he does have that sense of familiarity, he just can’t place where. The problem then comes when he starts to try to guess how he knows her.

His guesses are all related to Cinderella being rich and/or nobility like him rather than considering that commoner girl he flirted with in the marketplace only a few days ago. Cinderella reacts fairly kindly to those guesses, telling him that she can’t swim, so she wouldn’t have been at the lake that summer, or that she’s never been to the mountains where his lodge is. But these assumptions eventually feed into Cinderella’s feelings of inadequacy and her fears that he won’t care for her when he finds out who she really is despite his initial reaction to her in the marketplace.

She starts to get flustered again when he calls her beautiful and her attention is drawn to how everyone around her is looking at them, but is effectively distracted by the Prince beginning to sing and only becomes flustered again once the King and Queen decide to insert themselves into the situation and get to know her and the reality of what seems to be happening hits her. She just intended to go to a fun party and dance a little, but now she’s gotten the attention of the Prince and it’s coming back to her that the point of the ball was for the Prince to find a WIFE. But she can tell, both from the Prince’s earlier comments and the ones made by the King and Queen asking who she is and who her family is, that they’re assuming things about her status that aren’t true.

Cinderella wants to keep living in a fantasy, though, where a Prince could love someone like her, so every time her reality comes into the conversation, she tries to move the conversation away. She wants to live in the bubble of romance the Prince is creating for her rather than talking about her family or what he wants in a wife.

And it works, right up until the clock strikes midnight and that reality crashes down on her like an avalanche.

Despite everything they’ve talked about that night, about how he knows she’s The One despite just having met her, about what he wants in a wife and how she seems to fit that description, about their feelings, Cinderella does not trust that he’s going to like her once he finds out who she is. Because despite how much time they’ve spent with each other (which, according to clock, is about 45 minutes now), he hasn’t recognized her as the girl from the marketplace ONCE.

Cinderella herself never mentions whether she recognizes the Prince from the marketplace or not, but we can fairly safely assume that she does. That moment meant a LOT to her, it was likely the first friendliness she had been shown in a while, especially by a stranger, and it hit her like a ton of bricks. It showed her that someone COULD be interested in her for who she is, could grow to love her.

And of course, meeting the Prince’s family at the ball gives her a sense of what it would be like to be part of HIS family, a family that already does seem to like her well enough and clearly care about their son. It’s everything she’s ever dreamed of having, but they all believe her to be something she isn’t, and she can’t trust that they’d treat her the same if they knew. So instead of risking it all for love, for that dream, she runs again. She’d rather leave it one really good night and a lifelong what-if than get rejected one more time.

Cinderella runs home, back to what she knows, back to what’s comfortable. In the “Do I Want You” reprise, Cinderella appears wistful, but resigned. The Prince, on the other hand, seems almost more confident and determined. He’s smiling at the empty courtyard, even before he sees the shoe left behind. Cinderella is prepared to let everything go, but the Prince no longer is. She told him at the ball is that the problem with most people is that they only dream about things without ever doing anything about it.

So he does. He commits himself to finding her, even WITHOUT the shoe, he’s committed to finding her.

Part 3: The Prince Finds Cinderella

Obviously, the fact that the Prince has the need to go out and have everyone try on the shoe means he still has no idea who Cinderella is. He never asks her name at the ball, so he hasn’t connected her to the girl from the marketplace who DID tell him her name. He can’t just go into the village and ask for “Cinderella” yet. But the fact that he goes INTO the village at all means he has recognized that this girl could be literally anyone, commoner or nobility, and it doesn’t matter to him which it is. He’s making no assumptions about her identity anymore.

And then he sees her. In an obvious throwback to their first meeting, he finds her having just dropped all of her belongings in front of a carriage because it moved in front of her a little quickly.

Backing up, though. Cinderella’s gone through an entire journey during this time period. She left the Prince behind at the ball, ready to leave that dream behind as “impossible.” And gives it one last go with the family she was left with, trying to connect with them, be a part of it. And it fails. Again.

But it gives her the strength to realize that this was never going to work. And while she doesn’t believe she can be what a Prince wants, she DOES believe she deserves to be loved and deserves better than what her stepmother is dishing out.

So, the next day, while the Prince is out with a glass slipper, going through every eligible girl in the kingdom trying to find her, Cinderella is preparing to leave her childhood home and set out on her own. Even when she ostensibly DOES hear the Prince in the house, trying on the slipper with her family, she chooses not to make herself known to him, and walks away.

But not quite fast enough and the Prince sees her.

She is once again dressed as a commoner with no magic involved, and this time, the Prince immediately recognizes her both as the woman from the marketplace AND the woman from the ball. From behind. By referencing their first meeting where he initially made his interest known, he indicates that he still likes her despite now knowing her background, and perhaps even BECAUSE he now knows her background as the first woman he ever met who truly understood how he felt and treated him like a person, with kindness and respect, rather than like a Prince.

Cinderella has a choice here. He recognizes her, yes, but she doesn’t have to play along. She doesn’t have to turn around and admit to anything, she COULD, presumably, choose to keep running. But the fact that he RECOGNIZES her, finally, and still wants her, gives her just enough courage to turn around and trust him and confirm her identity, both as the girl in the marketplace and the girl who fits the slipper.

And it pays off. Trusting someone to love you as you are, having the courage to actually go after your dream, to let it come true, pays off.

Have I mentioned how much I love this movie recently? Because this is PEAK Cinderella, and I love this movie.

[linkspooky]

Yuta vs Yuji

(They are both Good Boys ™ and that’s the Problem ™ )

As this week the boys are still fighting, I thought it would be interesting to take a more in depth look at both of their characters and how they compare and contrast with each other. Yuta and Yuji are both protagonists who have protagonistic motivations. Their central conflict, Itadori’s struggle to find a good death surrounded by people he loves, and Yuta’s struggle to be surrounded by people he loves and protects them, relates to protecting the people they love and the world around them. However, that’s also what drives them into conflict with each other. They both view themselves as “the hero” even in conflicts such as the fight against each other, where there is really no good guy. 

1. I want to live / I want to die

Yuta and Yuji are opposites in their stated motivation. Yuta’s goal is to find a way to live a happy life, surrounded by the people he loves. Yuji’s goal is to find a way to die surrounded by people he’s helped in life. 

Not only are their stated motivations opposites however, on the outside they are both the opposite in several ways. Yuji is someone who is known for his strength whereas Yuta is immediately remarked upon as the type to get bullied.  Yuji is immediately remarked upon for his cheerful disposition, whereas everyone who knows Yuta picks on him at first and notices how gloomy he is. 

Yuji is someone who seems to make friends and connect with people almost immediately, whereas Yuta is someone who it probably took him a long time to start getting along with Maki and Inumaki based on what we see in the prequel. Maki challenges him at first, and Yuta doesn’t understand Inumaki at first. 

Yuta is passive, and Yuji is active. Yuji is known for running after people to save them. Yuta’s actually not as motivated to save random strangers as Yuji is, he’s simply going along with becoming a Jujutsu Sorcerer because that will help his goals, 1) to make new friends and find a reason to live 2) to release Rika.

The difference between them even manifests in the way they became cursed. Yuji actively chose to swallow a curse, because he wanted to help Megumi and needed the power to do so. It was a decision he made. Yuta was the one who cursed Rika yes, but not only was it a jujutsu technique he used unconsciously, he also forgot about it and blamed Rika for cursing him instead.  

Which is also something that reflects in the central flaws of both characters. Yuta is someone with a victim complex. He tends to avoid taking direct responsibility for his actions and blaming it on someone else. He acts passive in almost every situation, and doesn’t accept that it may be his fault. Which is why he misremembered what happened to Rika. Yuta could not accept the idea that he was to blame for cursing Rika, so he blamed Rika in his memories instead for cursing him.

It’s been outlined by Maki before Yuta’s victim complex, but basically he reads as a nice person on the surface by pretending to be innocent when he’s not. Which is why she says his goodness feels fake, and he himself feels gross. Yuta kind of just, represses and ignores the bad parts of his personality, to seem like a hapless victim. Of course Yuta is not good or bad, he’s just a dude. But, Maki even goes further to point out Yuta himself doesn’t even seem to know who he wants to be. 

Yuta’s central character flaw is that he never accepts responsibility for his own actions. He has no self confidence and because of that he has a really tough time standing up as an individual. 

When he can learn to control his power, and stand on his own two feet rather than just avoiding responsibility and acting like a victim with no control over his situation. Yuta begins to change, but I think he also elevates his friends far beyond himself. 

He aspires to be like his friends, but he also feels like they’re already better than him and he’s unworthy. Which is why he’s constantly insecure about the relationship and needs to protect them. Yuta believes himself to be weak, he sees himself as a weak person, and so in every situation he tends to assume he’s the weak one or a weak victim which makes it hard for him to see what he’s responsible in those situation. 

On the other hand Yuji takes almost too much repsonsibility. Rather than trying to depend on others, Yuji is always, running ahead on his own and that’s where he makes his mistakes.

He thought he was strong enough to take down Choso on his own. He wasn’t. He thought he was strong enough mentally to prevent Sukuna from rampaging, he wasn’t. Yuji’s mistakes always come from taking on more responsibility than he can handle, and then letting things fall out of his control. 

Yuta’s irresponsible because he sees himself as a victim and doesn’t understand how strong he is, Yuji’s irresponsible because he constantly overestimates what he himself can handle.

If you take the scene after Yuji dies the first time into account. Sukuna outlines several facts. One, that Yuji is not actually strong enough to suppress him. Two, that he rampaged against Megumi specifically because Yuji got cocky and tried to use his power without using a binding vow and think it through. Three, that Yuji overestimates himself and his capability to keep Sukuna down and because of it, he agrees to a simple terms of “If I defeat you inside my own body you revive me with no conditions” and then just immediately dies. 

All of this of course being foreshadowing for what happens after the Choso fight. Once again, Yuji overestimates himself and how he can win the fight fighting alone. Halfway through Yuji gets overwhelmed and Sukuna surfaces. When Sukuna surfaces he rampages, because Yuji did not even think of the possibility that Sukuna might rampage if he died or lost consciousness, and therefore there was no binding vow in place to stop him. It’s not because Yuji is a bad kid, but because he is a kid, and doesn’t know better. He acts like any fifteen year old would dealing with a 1000 year old spirit that’s much smarter than him. But it’s also a case of Yuji thinking everything comes down to strength and he can beat Sukuna just by being stronger, when Yuji actually solves none of his problems by fighting alone, and all of his major victories come from fighting together with others. 

Yuji and Yuta are even opposites in regards to their curses. Rika loves Yuta and wants to protect him. He loses control of her because he’s too scared to face her, and has no idea how to begin controlling his power, which is once again this flaw that Yuta’s fear is a fear of taking responsibility. Yuji on the other hand his curse Sukuna loathes his guts, and is constantly trying to undermine him. Yuji’s problem is again and again he’s proven to underestimate Sukuna, he’s not afraid enough of Sukuna because Yuji himself considers himself a strong person and overestimates what he can be responsible for. Rika is an ally outside of Yuta, and Sukuna is an enemy within Yuji. 

However, after going to such length to establish them as opposites they have one central similiarity. Both of them are incredibly lonely people. They can’t really make friends or connections normally. 

Yuta has this fear of living alone, and Yuji this fear of dying alone. 

They both only form relationships on the basis that they’re needed. Which is why Yuta goes so insane about protecting his friends. Which is why Yuji keeps focusing on death above all else, because that’s their true “purpose” that underlies their stated motivations. They’re both doing this because they are afraid of being alone.

However, they both need to prove that they are “worthy” of love. In order to do that, they need to be good, useful people. Thus they are heroes, thus they are good guys, thus they are protagonists. 

Yuji becomes so insanely motivated to fight after Sukuna’s rampage, because if he doesn’t help someone, if he doesn’t justify his decision to keep on living somehow they’re just a murderer. Both Yuta and Yuji don’t really care about the world or circumstances around them, they just want to be validated by the people around them.

Yuta is a deeply selfish person, because he just wants other people around him to tell him it’s okay to live. However, he’s also just a suicidal fifteen year old kid in the first place, any kid his age would feel that way, would need that support and he shouldn’t need to earn it. That’s what he misunderstands. However, Yuji and Yuta keep trying to seek external validation. They keep trying to earn love rather than having it given to them.

It’s what Yuta completely fails to internalize after his fight with Geto. The lesson he needed to learn was that there was more to the world around him than just protecting the people he loved, but it seems coming back to both of those people he loved being hurt has caused him to double down on “protecting the ones he loved” vs “thinking about what is justice”.Yuta’s still stuck in this mode where he has to earn love, and that becomes his first priority in everything.

The problem with making the decision to ignore justice is that you can end up at the wrong side of the equation. Yuji is Yuta. He’s another victim who allowed a curse to rampage because he was cursed as a teenager and could not control his own power and people ended up dying for it. 

However, because Yuta only understands that his friends have been hurt, and refuses to understand Yuji as both a victim and a person outside of himself he accepts his role of executioner.

Yuta was the person who was going to be executed a year ago. The only reason he didn’t was because Gojo gave him a chance and extended a helping hand. However we’re now seeing Yuta take the opposite path. he’s made the decision to become executioner, to not save when he himself was saved. Which is just sad because Yuta and Yuji are character foils.

 A conflict against Yuji, the other main character, is really just Yuta fighting himself. Yuta cannot forgive himself for the crime of being weak, and therefore he blames Yuji for being like he was a year ago. Yuta still doesn’t know how to stand strong on his own, to accept that his friends love him for who he is, so he’s still trying to earn love by avenging them and acting overprotective against Yuji, when we know Inumaki was friends with Yuji and probably would not want him to be hunted down and killed. 

Yuta and Yuji are both seemingly completely selfless people who can come off as rather self centered when you examine their deeper motivations (they do what they do, because they want to be loved and needed) but it doesn’t come from a place of ego, it’s just that they’re lonely. They can’t feel accepted for who they are so they both try to be heroes instead. 

[captainrogers-ass]

Leather & Spice - Zemo x Reader One-Shot

Summary: You could never say no to a mission when it was Sam Wilson calling, yet cooperating with a convicted mass murderer hadn’t exactly been what you were expecting. Wounding, maiming, killing; those were all in your job description. Acting as Helmut Zemo’s lover was not.

Word Count: 4900

Pairings: Zemo x Reader, Sam x Reader (platonic), Bucky x Reader (platonic)

A/N: Ok so I know I’ve been super inactive and I know this isn’t strictly Chris Evans related but I’m currently obsessed with TFATWS; more specifically a certain mass murderer. I’ve substituted Serbian for Sokovian, although Zemo talks to Bucky in Russian. As always, any and all feedback is much appreciated. I hope you enjoy!!! Let me know if you want a part 2!!!

The call had been tense, brief, and widely lacking in any important information, and yet you had still gone anyway.

No matter how many times the Avengers had screwed you over you couldn’t help yourself when Sam Wilson called. Your resistance was futile. He was too charming to say no to, and you were pretty sure he was perfectly well aware of that.

The private jet had been a nice surprise in all honesty. Sam had seemingly always had a knack for finding the seediest alleyway or dingiest motel room to meet up in whenever he called for your help, so you couldn’t help but smile at the change in scenery. Your boots clicked loudly on the tarmac below as you approached the plane, your hand pausing as it connected with the railing of the stair car, a small smile escaping onto your lips as you tried to contain your unusual excitement.

A butler with greying hair and aged skin greeted you at the entrance to the plane. He was dressed in a neat, black suit and smiled at you kindly upon your arrival, his arms already extended as he motioned towards your luggage.

“Oh, thank you,” you said with a smile as you handed over your bag.

The cabin was lovely; spacious, lavish and filled with two grown men who were currently too enthralled in their escalating argument to take any notice of your arrival.

Bucky and Sam were sitting next to each other; Bucky slumped over within his seat with his arms folded across his chest, Sam perched at the edge of his own seat, his hands raised passionately before him as he berated Bucky in a tone that was clearly trying to stay relatively calm but was miserably failing. You cleared your throat as a small smile escaped onto your lips; these two hadn’t changed one bit.

Sam’s eyes met yours first.

“Y/N!” he exclaimed, immediately rising from his seat and striding the few steps towards you, engulfing you in a hug. “I wasn’t sure, you’d come. I haven’t seen you in so long!”

You laughed as you managed to extract yourself from Sam’s embrace.

“You know I can never say no to you, Sam,” you chuckled.

“It’s because I’m too handsome, right?”

“Sure.”

You turned your attention to Bucky who was now standing just slightly back from Sam, their argument apparently forgotten as Bucky smiled kindly towards you.

“Hey there stranger,” you said as you gave Bucky a brief hug.

“And here I was thinking I was the most antisocial person I knew,” he retorted.

“I haven’t been avoiding you two, I promise. I’ve just been busy.”

“Yeah,” Sam said. “With whatever it is you do.”

You laughed but didn’t answer his implied question.

“This jet is a nice touch. How in the hell did you afford this?” you questioned.

The atmosphere changed immediately, the smile on your features faltering slightly as you felt the tension rise around you. Bucky turned his eyes to the floor, his figure hunching over slightly so that he looked far smaller than he usually appeared. Sam averted his gaze as well, instead turning to look at something past your shoulder.

“It’s mine actually. I don’t believe we’ve met.”

Having worked in secret services your entire life you found yourself quite shocked at having failed to notice the third man on board. There was no doubt that this man hadn’t been in the main cabin upon your arrival, but having failed to recognise his presence until he spoke was an unusual oversight on your part; especially since he was standing quite close to you.

As you turned around you registered three things before your eyes landed upon him. Firstly, his accent was unusual, captivating and alluring, not one that you could outright recognise on an initial introduction alone. Secondly, his cologne was extraordinarily enticing; a dark, spicy smell that washed over you and filled your senses all at once so that you couldn’t help but inhale deeply to try and get another whiff of it. And thirdly, his presence was remarkable. Even before you looked upon him you could tell that this was a man of wealth; his tone, his posture, his cologne, his everything, oozed sophistication.

And then your eyes met his.

“I’m Helm-”

Before he could finish you grabbed the hand he had been in the process of outstretching for a handshake, twisted it behind his back before shoving him up against the wall of the plane with quite possibly a tad more force than was strictly necessary. A grunt escaped his lips as you did so, but whether it was from pain or surprise you couldn’t tell.

“Y/N!” Bucky and Sam yelled in unison.

“Would someone care to explain to me why there is a convicted criminal on board this plane.” Your voice came out far calmer than you were expecting.

“Well it is my pla-”

“Shut up,” you, Bucky and Sam all said in unison.

You pushed his contorted arm higher and a flicker of pain crossed his features for just a second, yet he remained silent. His face was pressed against the wall, your body weight holding him in place, and yet his eyes were trained on you, a piercing blend of hazel and gold that sent a shiver down your spine. He wasn’t resisting at all—which was surprising considering he could probably overpower you with his military history—and he no longer made any obvious outward indication that he was in pain even though the placement of his arm would suggest otherwise.

“We need him, Y/N,” Sam finally spoke up.

You struggled to pull your gaze from his, lingering for what felt like years.

“And his life-long prison sentence just happened to be up, I suppose?” you replied.

You couldn’t quite tell, but the subtle vibrations coming from Zemo made you think that he was laughing.

“Well, Bucky was the one who actually broke him ou-” Sam began.

“Oh yeah blame it on me,” Bucky exclaimed.

“Were you not the one who broke him out?”

“You know we needed him I was just the-”

“Ok, ok, boys,” you interrupted. “I really don’t care whose fault it is. What’s done is done. But will someone please explain why the hell we need a mass murderer’s help?”

“Well, there’s this new terrorist organisation called the Flagsmashers,” Sam began.

“Sorry to interrupt,” Zemo interrupted. You pushed him up against the wall harder but he continued on unfazed. “But I feel like this story is going to take a while so is there any possibility that I can have the function of my arm back, please?”

There was that accent again, so unusual and yet so smooth that it took you a few seconds to actually register what the man was saying. You glared at him for several seconds but eventually loosened your grip.

Immediately turning around, Zemo brought his hand up to rub at the arm that had been angled uncomfortably behind his back, his gaze never leaving yours. Your eyes travelled down his figure, taking in the luxurious coat draped around his shoulders, the well-tailored purple turtleneck underneath that shaped his frame well, and the expensive-looking black gloves that clung to his fingers. When your eyes returned to his a smile was peeking through onto his lips.

“As I was saying before, I’m Helmut Zemo.” You noticed that he didn’t extend his hand a second time for a handshake. “But I take it you already knew that…Y/N, is it?”

You didn’t answer, simply continuing to stare at him through slitted eyelids.

“I would say it is a pleasure to meet you,” he began again, making his way over to a small bar cart as he poured himself a drink. “But it was actually a surprisingly painful introduction.”

Extending a gloved hand towards you Zemo offered you a glass of the brown liquid. With some hesitation you accepted, your eyes never leaving his as your hand brushed over his gloved one.

Tearing your gaze from his you made your way to the seat in front of where Sam and Bucky had been previously sitting. Taking a sip from your drink you motioned for the two men to reclaim their seats.

“So, tell me about these Flagsmashers.”

*

“If we have to do something about this, I’m the only one that looks like a pimp,” Sam commented, looking down to admire the colourfully decorated suit he was wearing.

The four of you were currently walking across an empty bridge, the lights of the bustling city burning bright in the distance.

“Only an American would assume a fashion-forward black man looks like a pimp. You look exactly like the man you’re supposed to be playing; a sophisticated, charming, African rake named Conrad Mack, aka the Smiling Tiger,” Zemo replied, passing his phone to Sam, a photo lighting up the screen.

“He even has a bad nickname. Hell, he does look like me though.”

You walked closer to Sam, leaning over his shoulder to get a look at the picture. You laughed slightly to yourself.

“You sure you don’t have some alter ego you’re not telling us about?” you questioned.

“Ha, ha,” Sam responded dryly.

“So then who am I supposed to be?” you asked Zemo. “Some stunningly beautiful millionaire who also happens to look exactly like me, I presume?”

The sarcasm was obvious in your tone and yet you were still surprised at the small laugh that left Zemo’s lips. It was deep, dark, and didn’t last very long, but it was charming. You turned away from him and looped your arm through Sam’s instead, pretending to need assistance with walking from the six-inch heels Zemo had you wear.

The dress he had presented to you on the plane was surprisingly stunning. It was black and fell just above your ankles, a large slit running up the left side of the fabric and a cowling neckline that accentuated your figure perfectly. The back was low, the straps criss-crossing across your shoulders doing little to provide any solace from the evenings cold wind.

“In a sense I suppose that is correct,” Zemo responded. “You will be playing the role of my date.”

Your head whipped around to stare at him.

“Excuse me?”

Bucky and Sam tried in vain to hide their snickers. You punched Sam lightly in the arm.

“The Smiling Tiger, the Winter Soldier and I all have reputations that we can rely on here in Madripoor. Nobody knows who you are Y/N and that makes you the most valuable person here. By limiting you to just my date people will begin to underestimate you which makes you a valuable asset if things begin to go South.”

His words made sense and yet you refused to admit it.

“He’s not wrong, Y/N,” Sam whispered to you.

“I think if Bucky can pretend to be the Winter Soldier,” Zemo continued. “Then you will be perfectly capable of pretending to be my date.”

“No, I think Y/N still got the short straw here,” Bucky said, causing you and Sam to begin to snicker as a scowl appeared on Zemo’s face.

A black car began to approach you on the bridge, pulling up beside you. Just before you could open the door a gloved hand enclosed around the handle.

“Allow me, draga.”

He opened the door and motioned for you to enter. You met his gaze, raising an eyebrow up at him.

“I’m not your date just yet.”

“A lady should always be treated with respect whether she is one’s date or not.”

You hadn’t been expecting a response, yet he had provided one so quickly and with such sincerity in his voice that you couldn’t help but furrow your eyebrows at him. Your gaze lingered upon his for several seconds before he provided you with a curt nod.

You entered the car without another word, Zemo following in behind you so that you were now sandwiched between him and Sam with Bucky sitting quite comfortably in the front seat.

The drive into town was mostly quiet. You enjoyed looking out the window at the bright city, mesmerised by all the neon signs and blinding lights. The streets were riddled with guns; hidden in holsters on people’s hips, tucked into the backs of pants, or simply waved around nonchalantly. You checked the holster attached to your thigh for good measure.

Glancing into the rear-view mirror you could have sworn that you had met Zemo’s gaze for a split second, but with a blink of your eyes his head was now directed out the window, his gaze fixated on the passing buildings. You furrowed your eyebrows in confusion, but returned your gaze to the window once more without a word.

The streets were crawling with criminals when you reached the bar. Guns were being waved around as if they were a fashion accessory and blatant felonies were being conducted out in the open with no attempt to conceal anything.

Zemo exited the car first, and as you scooted across the seat to make your own exit you found that familiar gloved hand was already extended towards you. Looking up, your eyes met his, taking his hand without a word. You were now in character and you were going to play the role as best you could.

You didn’t let go of Zemo’s hand as he helped you from the car. Instead, after waiting for him to close the door behind you, you looped your arm through his as you had done to Sam only minutes previously, this time leaning into him much more closely than you had done with your friend.

If Zemo was surprised at your gentle touch he did not show it. Instead he flexed his arm to bring you slightly closer before leading you, Bucky and Sam into the bar. As soon as you had exited the car it seemed as if the whole street had their eyes on you. Your heart fluttered nervously in your chest, but your features remained neutral even as your eyes roamed freely around your surroundings.

“I can’t believe I’m saying this,” you whispered to Zemo. “But I think you should’ve given me something a bit more revealing to wear. This dress is beautiful, but I look so out of place.”

Zemo turned to you with a smile on his face.

“Any woman on my arm will always be dressed in the finest of silks. It would be far more suspicious if I made you wear a more revealing dress, trust me.”

His voice was low as he spoke to you, his gaze fixated on you as he smiled cheekily.

Your heart fluttered nervously once more.

The bar was loud, hot and filled with half-drunk people rubbing their private parts against each other. The popular neon lights trickled in to the establishment, casting contrasting shadows of yellow and red across the space.

A bartender greeted you as you approached the bar, his face stoic and void of emotion.

“Hello gentlemen,” he nodded towards Sam. “Wasn’t expecting you, Smiling Tiger.”

Zemo answered for him.

“His plans changed. We have business to do with Selby.”

The bartender turned to Sam.

“The usual?”

Sam nodded.

When the bartender returned with a snake and began to gut it right in front of you you couldn’t help the small smile that crept up onto your face when you realised what was happening.

“Ah,” Zemo began, “Smiling Tiger, your favourite.”

His tone was slightly mocking and it nearly caused you to burst out laughing right there, but you managed to retain your composure. Sam turned with a resentful look on his face to see you and Zemo trying to hide the smiles that were creeping on to your faces.

“I love these,” Sam said as he raised the glass to you.

You leaned your head on to Zemo’s shoulder in an attempt to hide your snickers. Sam clinked his glass against Zemo’s, and after some hesitation, downed the shot in one.

The smile was wiped from your face as you felt a presence approach you from behind, struggling against the instinct to reach for your weapon. Zemo felt you still beside him and immediately turned to meet the approaching man, placing you slightly behind him.

“I got word from on high,” the man said. “You ain’t welcome here.”

Zemo’s voice sounded nonchalant as he responded.

“I have no business with the Power Broker, but if he insists he can either come and talk to me,” Zemo looked behind him to where Bucky was standing.

“New haircut?” the man said to Bucky with a scoff.

Zemo’s voice was deep and demanding, grasping the man’s attention once more, “Or bring Selby for a chat.”

The man left but now your senses were on high alert as Zemo turned back to talk to Bucky. Your eyes scoured the room, noticing several men beginning to approach you. Slowly your hand began to travel down to your gun.

“Not yet, dušica.” Zemo’s gaze turned to Bucky just as one of the approaching men placed his hand upon Zemo’s shoulder. “Zimniy soldat. Ataka.”

Without hesitating Bucky grabbed the arm of the man who had touched Zemo, bending it painfully backwards. You watched on with bated breath, worried for your friend as he reverted back to what he once was, not because he wasn’t able to handle the fight—he wasn’t even breaking a sweat as he took on three guys at once—but because of what this little act might have on all the progress he had made.

Your gaze flickered to Zemo for a split second to find that he was smiling.

“It didn’t take long for him to fall back into form,” he whispered to you.

Ever since this trip had begun you had slowly started to become desensitised to the fact that you were in the presence of a mass murderer, often forgetting at times that the man before you had caused so much pain and suffering. But now it hit you all at once, causing you to become quite repulsed by the presence beside you.

Wanting to remove yourself from his side but knowing that you couldn’t you instead leaned in to whisper in his ear.

“If you smile again from Bucky’s pain, I’ll punch your teeth in so that when I burn you to death they won’t be able to use your dental records to identify your body.”

To say that Zemo was surprised at your comment was an understatement as he whipped his head around to look at you, his mask of composure forgotten for a split second as his eyes met yours. He didn’t respond, but the look in his eyes told you that he had not been expecting such a response. His gaze fell to the floor and you thought, just for a second, that maybe he was about to apologise, but when his eyes came back to look at you his mouth remained closed.

He noticed the change in your attitude immediately. Whilst you did not disentangle your arm from his, you now distanced yourself as far as you could from his side, your touch no longer the comfortable presence he had begun to enjoy, now cold and impersonal.

The sounds of guns being cocked brought your attention back to the room.

“Stay in character or the whole bar turns on us,” Zemo quickly whispered to Bucky. “Otlichnaya rabota, soldat,” he said louder.

Everyone in the bar paused as Bucky let go of the man he had been in the process of choking.

“Selby will see you now,” the bartender interrupted.

A small sigh of relief escaped from your lips.

The back room was poorly lit and smelt of alcohol and cigarettes, the wall to your left illuminated by small televisions that displayed the security camera footage from all over the bar.

Selby—a middle aged, menacing looking woman with short, platinum blonde hair—was sitting upon one of the luxurious couches, dressed in an ill-fitting suit with a loosely tied tie hanging around her neck.

“You should know, Baron,” she began, tapping her hand against the head of the couch. “People don’t just come into my bar and make demands.”

“Not a demand,” Zemo responded. “An offer.”

Zemo took a seat on the couch opposite to Selby’s, his hand in yours as he motioned for you to sit next to him. You paused for just a second before perching yourself so that you were instead sitting in his lap. As much as you didn’t want to be in this position, when you went undercover you did it well. Zemo’s face showed no hint of surprise, but his hands fumbled for a split second, unsure of where to place them before he rested one on your waist and one on your thigh, quite high up so that he was basically at your knee. The gesture didn’t go unnoticed and you found yourself quite surprised at his willingness to respect your boundaries.

Selby raised an eyebrow at you.

“A lot has changed since you were last here,” she said, her gaze now fixated on you. It made you feel uncomfortable, but you didn’t show it as you leaned back into Zemo’s touch. “By the way, I thought you were rotting away in a German prison. How did you escape?”

Zemo’s gloved hand began rubbing circles on your knee, your skin exposed from the slit in the dress. You were pretty sure he wasn’t aware he was doing it, but you weren’t altogether against the touch.

“People like us always find a way, don’t we?” he responded. “I’m sure you’ve already figured out what I’m here for.”

“What’s the offer.”

“Tell us what you know about the super-soldier serum, and I give you him.” Zemo’s gaze turned to Bucky who remained stoic and impassive in the corner of the room. “Along with the code words to control him, of course.”

“Now that’s the Zemo I remember. I’m glad I decided not to kill you immediately.” She paused as she considered the offer. “You were right to seek me out. The super-soldier serum is here in Madripoor. Dr. Wilfred Nagel is the man you wanna thank…or condemn, depending on what side of this you’re on.”

“Is Nagel still in Madripoor?” Zemo questioned.

“Oh, the breadcrumbs you can have for free, but the bakery is gonna cost you, Baron.” Selby’s gaze shifted to Bucky before it returned to land on you. “Who is this beautiful creature you’ve got with you?”

You felt Zemo stiffen beneath you.

“Ah,” he began, his voice somehow having grown deeper. “This one isn’t part of the deal. She’s mine.”

There was an intensity to the way he said mine. It was subtle, but it was there, and Selby noticed it as she quirked an eyebrow up at him.

“Are you sure about that, Baron?” she responded with a laugh. “These young creatures get so restless. Are you sure she’s not bored with you already?”

Zemo’s hand was now gripping your thigh a lot lower than where it had previously been and a lot harder; not so roughly that it hurt, but hard enough for you to realise that he was unsure of how to proceed. You turned your gaze to Selby who licked her lips as your eyes met hers, before turning your attention back to Zemo. He looked up towards you, a confused look flashing across his eyes as he tried to figure out what you were about to do. Having made your decision—and before you had enough time to really question what you were about to do—you leaned down towards the Baron and collided your lips with his.

Zemo hesitated at first, his lips unresponsive against yours for a split second before he returned the gesture. His hands came up to tangle themselves in your hair, your own hands gripping the base of his scalp. You slipped your tongue into his mouth and turned slightly so that Selby had a clear view.

You made sure the kiss was dirty and ferocious, and it left both of you breathless as you pulled away from him.

You turned to Selby with a smirk on your face, wiping some saliva from the corner of your mouth with the pad of your thumb as you maintained eye-contact with her.

“Not quite yet,” you said.

A viscous smile spread across her face but before Selby could respond Sam’s phone began to ring, and everything went downhill pretty quickly from there.

When the sniper shot came through the window you didn’t have time to be surprised, immediately leaping to your feet, gun already in hand. Before Selby’s henchmen had even had time to react you had already shot a bullet into two of their chests, Bucky taking out the third man in the room.

“We have a real problem now, so leave your weapons and follow my lead,” Zemo said, quickly making his way back down to the bar with you, Sam and Bucky close behind, your gun back in its concealed holster.

Descending the stairs quickly, Bucky leaned back with a smirk on his face. 

"Told you you got the short straw."

Punching him in the arm to try to get him to shut up you quickly realised your mistake as you brought your hand to your chest, pain flaring in your knuckles at having collided with the vibranium. A short laugh escaped from Bucky's lips.

"Focus," Zemo called from the front of the group.

You made your way back on to the street quickly, following Zemo as he hastily walked in a direction that you hoped would get you off the main strip. Looking around you as you walked you kept noticing people getting notifications on their phones and a bad feeling began to grow in your stomach.

A round of bullets were shot towards you, the proximity of the bang causing your ears to ring painfully. All four of you ducked immediately as you scrambled away quickly. Bucky and Sam ran forwards and Zemo, grabbing your hand swiftly, veered off into a small alley way, his hand never leaving yours as he ran. The sound of several footsteps followed close behind you, but before you could reach for your gun Zemo crowded you into a small alcove.

“What are you doing? They’ll see us here,” you angrily whispered. Your hand began to reach for your gun once more but Zemo stopped you.

“There’s too many of them,” he said quickly, peeking out from behind the alcove to spy on the approaching men.

“We’re sitting ducks here. I can probably get a few shots out if-”

All at once Zemo whipped back around and placed his index finger upon your lips to stop you from speaking.

“I’m truly sorry for this.”

For the second time that night Helmut Zemo’s lips were now upon yours, kissing you far more softly than you had kissed him before. His body was crowding yours against the wall of the alley way, his broad form easily shielding you. The footsteps got closer and closer, all the while you kept kissing the Baron. This time there was no tongue, just gentle lips upon yours as he kissed you tenderly and slowly.

That cologne you had first smelt that morning engulfed your senses now so that it was all you could smell. Your hands came up to grip at the fur collar of his coat, pulling him closer by the furred lapel, and you couldn’t help but marvel at the softness of it. 

Somewhere in the back of your mind you registered the approaching footsteps; how close they came to you before they past right by, the group of men not giving you a second glance as one shouted orders to the rest in a language you couldn't be bothered to recognise.

At some point Zemo's tongue ended up in your mouth, or maybe it was your tongue in his. Either way you couldn't recall who had initiated it, and couldn't quite find the effort to care. One of his hands came up to cup your cheek whilst the other became entangled within your hair, pulling at your roots slightly so that you moaned at the feeling.

You moaned.

Pushing the baron away from you you immediately put as much distance as you could between the two of you. His lips were red and swollen and you were quite sure yours looked the same, both panting slightly as the cold air illuminated your breaths.

You could feel your cheeks begin to redden immediately, and swiftly turned away from him to hide your embarrassment.

You could still hear the men who had been following you, their footsteps far quieter now as they continued down the alley.

“I think they’re gone,” you finally said, having allowed the awkward silence to grow palpable between you.

“Yes…yes I think you’re right,” he responded, not meeting your gaze.

The sound of footsteps coming down the alley filled your ears once more, and this time you didn’t hesitate as you pulled your gun from its holster.

“Woah, easy there tiger, it’s just us,” Sam said, his hands held upwards in a sign of surrender.

You let out a sigh as you saw them and immediately felt Zemo’s gaze fall upon you.

[hiccanna-tidbits]

this is a genuine, curious question! what's appealing 2 u about jackunzel :^] ??

Sure, I can talk about why I ship Jackunzel!!!

@gryffindorkxdraws has some posts about why she likes Jackunzel here, here, and here, so those are a pretty good rundown of reasons to supplement mine. But I’ll make a list of my own!

Why Jackunzel Owns My Entire Soul: An Essay in Disorganized Bullet Points ~I dig the sun/moon symbolism! Like Jack was chosen by the moon and Rapunzel has the powers of the sun. It’s such a nice contrast, and it also lends itself really well to star-crossed lover-type fantasy/fairy tale AUs (which I am ALWAYS a sucker for!) ~From what little we know about Jack’s preference in girls (i.e. the slight crush he seemed to have on Tooth), Rapunzel seems like EXACTLY his type--bubbly, energetic, optimistic girls with a bit of a maternal streak. I think even the RotG director confirmed Punz is the kind of girl Jack would like! ~Jack also absolutely seems like Punzel’s type--if Flynn/Eugene is anything to go by, she’s kind of into sarcastic troublemakers with a hidden soft side XD And she also seems to like guys who are good with kids, if Eugene reading “The Adventures of Flynnigan Rider” to the younger kids at the orphanage is anything to go by! ~They both seem to be naturally pretty social people who suffered a lot from being isolated for a really long time--Jack had it worse, obviously (300 years--OUCH), but it was rough on Punz as well, growing up for 18 years with no one for company but Mother Gothel and Pascal. Jack, spending all that time with no one able to see him and only the guardians (who weren’t even really his friends from much of that time) for company, would understand that pain a lot. I feel like they’d be able to connect on a really deep and intimate level about the pain they felt at being isolated for so long, and this would give them a really strong bond that I can easily see turning into something romantic. ~They’re both just such genuinely lively and fun-loving people, and I can imagine them having a ton of fun together and just genuinely really enjoying spending time together. Like imagine the snowball fights!!! The ice-skating!!! The sledding!!! Chasing each other through the forest!!! Jack grabbing onto Punz and her wrapping her hair around a tree and swinging them around Tarzan-style!!! Like literally the entire scene where Punzel leaves her tower for the first time and is goofing off and doing Silly Shit for like an hour straight??? Like man...if Jack was there, they’d have the TIME OF THEIR LIVES together. Idk I just really love couples who I think would have a lot of fun together, it’s so pure <3 ~They’re both so loving!!! Like Rapunzel goes out of her way to be supportive to an entire tavernful of terrifying “ruffians and thugs” because they have dreams, and she’s so sweet to Flynn/Eugene no matter how many times he snarks at her and tries to alienate her!!! And Jack loves loves LOVES entertaining kids, and it genuinely makes him so happy to give them snow days :3 I just feel like they’d shower each other with love, and it’s honestly no less than they both deserve!!! ~Rapunzel especially is such an affectionate person, and I can see her doing just absolutely everything in her power to make Jack feel as seen and as loved as possible after 300 years of being alone. And god, does he NEED it, too. Like no way is this boy NOT touch-starved, and with some MAJOR self-esteem issues (although he’s good at hiding them). Rapunzel would do absolutely everything in her power to build him up and make him feel wanted and validated--and since it’s in her nature to do so, it would never feel like a burden or an effort for her. And she’d love him so much that hyping him up just comes naturally! She’s just got the kind of nurturing personality that someone as affection-starved as Jack really needs, and I think she could help him feel safe, comfortable, and loved in a way a lot of people couldn’t. ~For all the fun they’d have together, I also feel like Jack needs someone to ground him a bit and provide the Brain Cell to perhaps reign in that Unchecked Chaotic Energy of his sometimes XD Rapunzel certainly has a smart and rational side--I mean, she charted STARS as a teenager!!! She figured out how to get this stranger she captured to take her into the kingdom to see the lanterns!!! Girl can be spontaneous and goofy, sure, but she’s got smarts and kind of a mature streak that I think mesh with Jack really well. He’d never feel like she was a wet blanket stifling his fun, but she’d also have a sense of when to transition away from goofing off and focus on responsibilities (princess and guardian responsibilities in this case, I suppose?) ~On the flipside, I don’t see Rapunzel as being someone annoyed or irritated by Jack’s antics. She might like...gently scold him if he takes a prank too far, but she never finds his shenanigans to be grating and tiresome the way other people might. Rather, I think she’d be endlessly entertained by him. Like in his memory reel when he’s dicking around pretending to be a deer, she’d get a kick out of that! Jack would always be trying to make her laugh and make her smile, and Punz would love that so much about him! ~They’re both searching for a deeper meaning and a deeper sense of purpose in their lives. Rapunzel entertains herself with hobbies, but doesn’t feel like her life has really “begun” and is desperate to find out if her hunch is right and the floating lights really ARE meant for her. Jack has no idea why he was chosen by the moon or what he’s meant to do, and he’s determined to find out so he can finally have a sense of purpose. Rapunzel clearly wants a sense of purpose too, since she wants to do more with her life than pass the time with hobbies. I can definitely see them bonding over this! ~They’re both just so adventurous, and love to explore! Rapunzel is curious, and loves to read and learn, and she wants more than anything else to see the world and all it has to offer. Jack loves adventuring and flying around the globe spreading winter and fun, and he could show Punz everything she ever wanted to see. A perfect match, honestly! ~Aesthetically I LOVE the similarities!!! Like they both like to go barefoot, kinda showing their free-spirited natures. And I love how they’re both naturally brunette, but had their hair turned a different color by magic. It’s a little thing, but I think it’s a really neat parallel and it helps cement me thinking they really ARE perfect for each other in every little way! Haha XD AND they both have small green companions, and as of Ralph Breaks The Internet, they’re hoodie buddies as well!!! Not that surface-level parallels like that are actually that significant BUT I just think they’re neat XD ~While I am fond of Flynnzel/Eugenzel (still my favorite canon Disney couple!), finding out their age gap is around 8 years admittedly made me a bit uncomfy and just pushed me further into loving Jackunzel as an alternative option. I still really love Eugene as a character and adore his and Punzel’s dynamic, but these days I prefer their relationship as more of a big bro/little sis type thing. Jack I think is the best match for Rapunzel romantically, and Eugene I prefer with Elsa--or poooossibly Tooth, Astrid, or Zarina, if I read a fic that sells the pairing well enough! ~On a related note, I was into Jack x Tooth the first time I watched RotG, but after discovering Jackunzel, there was no going back--I was hooked! Rewatching the movie, Tooth strikes me more as a mom figure/”fun aunt” for Jack, and I actually prefer her with Bunnymund (I am WEAK for “the grumpy one is soft for the sunshine one” lmao)

Well, I think that just about covers it!!! I’ll add more reasons if I think of them! Thank you for the ask, and I’m always happy to answer more ship asks about CGI crossover pairings :3

Also @ the anon who asked for Jackunzel headcanons--fear not, I shall provide them!!! I just wanna make a complete list and accumulate all the ones from my various fics so it’s gonna take a while XD

[btsandvmin]

Ask: Reply - 2021.03.18

I don’t know what might be the best way to go about asks, but for now I’ll try to answer asks as they come and when I can/want to I’ll collect them together in a post instead of answering indivudually. I’ve seen other Vminie blogs with similar formats and have done a few collection posts like this before, and it really seems to be the easiest way to digest your questions.

Let’s go through what you’ve sent me today as I finally opened up this blog for asks again. :)

Topics:

Ask 1 - Vmin’s emotional connection vs ship moments Ask 2 - KTH1 and creative control Ask 3 - What makes a ship big? Ask 4 - Thoughts on Tae/kook’s relationship (+ edit on other post) Ask 5 - When did they first mention the dumpling fight? Ask 6 - A little about me and my big analysis Ask 7-9 - Thank yous and nice things

Thank you all for waiting. <3 Read more under the cut.

Ask 1 -  Vmin’s emotional connection vs ship moments

I agree with you. I might not look at other ships as focused as I do with Vmin, but I would guess no other ship comes close to how much Vmin have shown their emotional intimacy in many ways over the years. Not to mention how many times even BTS themselves point out Vmin’s bond as special. Not to mention to begin with we shouldn’t be insecure about their bond based on their interactions with others. We should judge Vmin based on how they interact with each other.

All members have skinship (though some more than others), but both Jimin and Tae are super comfortable with touching, sometimes even with strangers. Looking at moments you can ship all ships, and there are even those that believe their ship to be real for almost all ships in BTS at this point. Why? Well because if you focus on your ship and put emphasis on the moments between them as bigger or more important, you can find “proof” for anything. Because that’s just how close and shipworthy all of the dynamics in BTS are. They all love each other, and shippers can find their own preferred love amongst them. 

I think we also need to remember all the things Vmin has CONFIRMED that other shippers try to prove with their own ships. How is tae/kook hugging or ji/kook cuddling supposed to make me feel insecure about Vmin when they have that too AND call each other soulmates in a song that made one of their procucers cry and other things like Namjoon getting goosebumps thinking about their bond? Taehyung cried reading his letter to Jimin and Jimin said no other member would likely truly understand why he cried. Taehyung has called Jimin the warmest person he knows and his one and only best friend. AND AGAIN, SOULMATE. The years of material we have show us again and again how important they are to each other and how they grow and work hard together to make their bond even stronger.

Vminies, please appriciate what we have because we are spoiled.

Ask 2 - KTH1 and creative control

Honestly this is a difficult one. The thing is that we know that likely to some degree Big Hit will always be involved with what the boys do and release. But I also think their freedom to express themselves is better than most idol companies, and BTS whole brand is to be as genuine as possible. As for what Tae would be asked to tone down is hard to say exactly, but we do know that Yoongi and Namjoon (and other members) have been pretty dark and honest in their lyrics. I know from a Vmin perspective it could be something either LGBT+ or even directly Vmin related, but there isn’t enough to go on for me to make a good guess. We literally just know that he was told to tone it down. It doesn’t even have to be about the subjects or lyrics, even though that does seem the most likely. But we do know that Taehyung wants to release something that reflect him and that he can be proud of, so I am sure no matter what we get they will be his honest feelings. I am very excited and a bit scared thinking about Tae’s mixtape if I am being honest.

That being said, I think there could be lines that they should be careful not to cross. I think it’s possible with Taehyung’s personality who “doesn’t beat around the bush” that he might want to express more than what might be appropriate. Not just from Big Hit’s perspective but for his own sake. Don’t get me wrong, I am not saying Tae is an idiot who doesn’t know what’s good for him. I just think at times he might be rebellious against his own better judement because it is something so important to him. For me talking about the Christmas song is partly such a moment, but I still think he was careful and ambiguous enough about it, even though he allowed himself to complain. Still, I am sure if it is about sexuality or even a relationship he knows the risks of being too open about it and would likely understand the need to be careful, or tone things down, if that was the case. A mixtape/album is not something done rashly or in the moment, so no matter what we get I am sure it will have been checked and considered by Tae and by Big Hit.

So basically I suppose the delay could be about creative control but mostly I really think it’s about Taehyung wanting to do well and writing when he feels like it without pressure. Which I feel is a very healthy approach by him honestly. We know mixtapes takes time and we know how Hobi felt about his first one, so I really think we should just give him time and I am sure we will get something amazing.

Ask 3 - What makes a ship big?

Aaaaaaw~! Thank you so much for your love and compliments. I feel like am very lacking in many areas still, but regardless I am glad my posts are appriciated. If I can bring a smile to anyones’ face that is an acomplishment to be proud of. Thank you. <3

As for what makes a ship big or not is of course quite subjective. For me at this point I would say ALL BTS ships are big ships. Not comparing them to each other but just by the huge amount of fans they all have. (I hope you don’t have to learn the pain or liking a rare-pair from a small fandom T-T). Almost all the ships in BTS even have analysis and people who believe in them, and I think that is partly an effect of size as well. That being said I think the bigger a ship is the easier it is for it to grow more. Which is why it is no surprise a lot of BTS ships that were popular right at the start are still the biggest ones now. But with more material and more fans there comes communities focused on their own ship, and they all grow as they get more moments. Vmin too have had a few times when they blow up for a while and gather new curious shippers. Friends is clearly a great example of this. Even Sweet Night seem to be something of a turning point for some to start shipping Vmin. All ships will grown in size with each passing year as we are always given new material. Even if a ship doesn’t get a lot, it will likely get enough to keep fans engaged.

For me I would say the loudest and the most agressive are often the biggest  (more bad apples the bigger the basket you know) and I think we can see some size indications by what ships trend more often etc. Ships can also be big in different ways and in different forums... Like how ji/kookers have taken tumblr as their platform while tae/kookers seem to be on youtube comments a lot.

All in all I don’t think size matters much though. Especially not with BTS where all ships get a lot of material and has their own fans who create for, share and dicuss about their pair. Popularity to me is not really something I think too much about, and honestly I think the way only the most popular pairs seem to get attention in the form of “worry” etc. is very telling. If JK and Hobi share a bed and cuddle and celebrate JK’s BD together, or Hobi post them having a picknick outside their house at night no one bats an eye... But if it was JK with one of Vmin? Confirmed to be dating and all other shippers get worried. 

Going into detail why ships gets big is a different conversation though. :P I hope I understood your ask correctly. Basically I consider all BTS ships as more or less big (perhaps with the exception of 2seok).

Ask 4 - Thoughts on Tae/kook’s relationship

So I got two Tae/kook asks today, seemingly because Tae/kook has had a lot of moments recently. I deleted the first one, but this one I feel is safe enough to share. I’ve talked about tae/kook before... (HERE for example) and I stand by that now too. I don’t have to dismiss other ships to feel confident about Vmin’s love for each other.

Tae/kook has always had a very physical and playful dynamic. Even when Tae changed and toned down this side of him we got moments where he played with JK or they hugged or cuddled close. I do see a little change now after ITS but mostly in that Tae seems to initiate more, not that it looks different in nature. I think when Tae changed his dynamic with JK lost a lot of it’s “main focus” as Tae wasn’t as playful. Look at JK with Jin as a comparison and I think JK in general is drawn to hang with people who are happy and fun to tease. 

Anyways, about their bond I do think tae/kook are close but as grown men they don’t have the same relationship that they used to when they were younger. They simply grew up and their dynamics changed. They haven’t had a lot of more serious conversations, but I think now that distance have become a little shorter after ITS. I think Tae/kook has a great bond that is underrated by many in the fandom but overrated greatly by their shippers. They clearly love each other and have fun with each other and can be very comfortable physically. 

But are they as close as Vmin? Personally I really doubt it. And even if Tae/kook would be real why should that have any impact on Vmin? Surely you wouldn’t think they are together but cheating or something drastic like that. I am also not sure why you would be particularly worried about tae/kook based on physical interactions alone though... I mean, both Hope/kook, Tae/jin, Ji/kook and Vmin also have a loooot of very intimate looking moments if you ask me.

You don’t have to worry about Vmin. If Tae has gushed about Jimin being special to him from 2013 to 2020 I don’t see why 2021 would be any different.

I also got a reply to this post where I mentioned the tae/kook ask I deleted. I must first say that it was my mistake to write JK’s lips and not his lip mole. I have edited the post to make clear he talked about the mole and not the lips.

Either way, thank you anon for giving perspective and adding your thoughts to the moments. Not to mention moments like this happen for all members and I don’t think we can draw any strong conclusions from them saying another members is sexy or something similar. But yeah, people pick and choose what they will remember, and often focusing on the negative will leave a bigger impact than the positive.

Ask 5 - When did they first mention the dumpling fight?

Hi and don’t worry. I honestly think a lot of Vminies don’t know about this because the first time was such a small moment not many would pay attention and remember it. We knew about it since 2016 where Tae offhandedly mentioned him and Jimin fighting about dumplings once.

I don’t even have the actual source for the first time Tae mentioned it, but it was all the way back in July 2016 in an interview with @star1 magazine, so we know it happened before that.

Then Tae got asked about it on a post it during a BST era fansign as well. Also, did you know the reason they fought was 💜?

Yeah.... Let’s just say I am not surprised at all to hear their dumpling fight having more meaning than first let on. As with most things brought up in the lyrics of Friends it’s something we already knew about since before. I also talked about this in my post Vmin analysis - “Friends”. (Though at that point we hadn’t heard them speak much about it and didn’t know how big of a deal it seemed to be.) It makes me wonder if the other things they talk about in the lyrics might also have more meaning than we know. 

Personally I think the reason we even got them talking about the dumpling incident so much is thanks to JK in the carpool karaoke. When asked what Vmin would fight about he was the one who mentioned dumplings and likely brought more attention to it than if it would simply have remained as one of the many lyrical anecdotes in the song. I am glad we got to know more, because honestly the dumpling incident seems to have been a pivotal moment in Vmin’s relationship.

Ask 6 - A little about me and my big analysis

Hi and thank you so much for the lovely compliments. Trying to consider all kinds of possibilities I feel should be obvious if you truly want to analyse something, but sadly I think when it comes to observing real people and being invested emotionally that becomes really difficult. Me too have to hold myself back a lot, because in the end there is always going to be room for error. And if I am wrong, who will be hurt? Likely all of you who listen to me and take my words into consideration. So I rather be upfront about the risk of being wrong than to speak too confidently and accidentally ending up misleading someone. I am really so happy and proud over Vminies who can stand back and not become delusional despite everything we actually have (this includes myself, because it’s not always easy to not get caught up in theories).

As for who I am it’s of course ok to ask. I am from Sweden and is 30 years old. (English isn’t my native language so I hope you forgive my mistakes, I know I have a lot of them in my posts). I’ve been a BTS fan since 2016 and Vmin fan almost since the start. I have been a fan of other groups long before BTS too and was pretty deep into the Japanese idol culture before fell for K-pop. For some additional info I also work with marketing and project managing and have a degree in conflict resolution. Thanks for being curious about me. :)

About my big analysis I am working on it still, and of course I hope to post it as soon as I can. I am a bit hesistant in bringing attention to some things though, as I have seen some of my previous theories and speculations be regarded as fact. I don’t want Vminies to run with my interpretations in a way that make them confident in Vmin being real. So yeah, I do want to post it, but I am also a bit worried what reactions it might get. I try very hard to remind you all that my theories are only speculations and we won’t know anything for sure (unless it would be confirmed). It still isn’t finished yet though, but I’ll keep working hard.

Ask 7 -  Thank you for the fic rec

Thank you! I am glad you enjoyed it. I haven’t had too much time to catch up on reading and just added a lot from my bookmarks, but good thing it was so appriciated by you all. Vmin writers truly are amazing aren’t they? :) 

(And don’t worry about me getting bad asks. I think I would have quit a long time ago if I let them bother me too much.)

Ask 8 - Just a very sweet anon

Thank you! I’m ok. Not great, but ok. Life goes on, you know? But I feel like I finally have the energy to blog again, and honestly that feels pretty great. It feels like I’ve been gone forever, but I hope you will still enjoy my musings and thoughts as you send me questions and I write new posts. :3

Ask 9 - The whole world is different from yesterday~ Just with your joy~

Omg what a sweet thing to say, thank you so much, you are putting a big smile on my face right now. I am glad you enjoy and understand my thoughts so much. I know many of you have missed my thoughts and even asked me when I would open my asks again, and so much always happen with Vmin too... (There is literally enough material to write books about them.) Thank you for waiting and being so understanding. I am happy to be back too. <3

Thank you everyone for you asks and I hope you liked this new format. :) I’ll try to keep it up and if you have any thoughts and opinions feel free to share them.

[starshipsofstarlord]

Young and Dumb | Part 2

“I believe I first met you in my parents’ pharmacy. I’m sure you don’t need the map to find it, everyone has the knowledge of where it is.  I was helping my mum restock the shelves, and you came in with a black hoodie and sunglasses on. Obviously, you didn’t want to be recognised, or maybe you did, who knows.

I asked if there was anything you needed help with, and your eyes went wide behind the expensive frames. From your posture, it was clear that you were unsettled by something. This something meant a lot to you, and you were nervous in telling me, a stranger.

It had only been the first week or two of school since I moved, so I didn’t blame you for that. The blame comes later on in this story. But I took an interest in you, not when you were getting all of that attention that you seemed to draw instantly when you walked through the halls of school, but when you were trying your best to avoid any of it.

I know that you knew who I was, you knew Justin, and Zach… and Bryce. You also seemed to become Jessica’s new bestie when we split ways, in a strange way, when the two of you connected, I felt as though you had stolen something from me.

But again, it was her choice to invite you to her house to study, and invite her to the parties that she threw. Courtney even told me that Jess always asked you what she should wear before they started, and now I understand how her fashion had improved significantly.”

Clay paused the tape as Tony pulled up beside him, and the teenager instinctively threw the door open and climbed into the passenger’s side. He pushed the headphones down to his neck as he looked at his friend, who appeared to be studying him far too closely for his liking.

“What?” He breathed, throwing his head back into the seat of the vehicle. Everyone was watching him, they had all had the tapes before him, so they knew that he was listening to their sins. And then also, they knew his. Both sides held the ammunition, even more so since he had yet to discover the case against him.

“Which tape are you on?” Tony was blunt, but he had an idea as he saw Clay’s interest as you walked out of the front doors, Jess on one side and Sheri on your other. It had to be one of you three, yet he was aware of how slow Clay was processing each record of information.

“12 side A.” He answered, his blue eyes drilling into you as you threw your head back in laughter. It wasn’t fair that you had the ability and will to do that after everything, Hannah was still waiting to be buried. Sometimes people were too inconsiderate of those who were lower down on the social food chain than them.

“Don’t judge her before you hear the entire tape. It’s complicated, and messy, and Hannah was not the only victim.” That intel made Clay’s eyes widen in fear. There had been another victim exposed on this tape, and it was disgusting, cruel. Evil.

“Not like Jess was?”

“God no. Thank God no.” Tony answered, looking in his side mirror as you walked away, and joined your boyfriend in his car. “But you better buckle up Clay, that side of the tape is long. Hannah sure had a lot of things to say about (Y/N), some good. Others not so much…”

Clay took out the tape from the player and inserted it in the car. If it was complicated, then Tony could explain it to him. He would still get mad and require a word in private with you, but he needed another opinion. One from an outsider, from someone who didn’t know Hannah as well, although, admittedly Clay didn’t know as much about her as he would have liked to have thought.

“That day though, when we first met gave me the impression that you didn’t thrive off of all of the attention. You liked your alone time, which I could relate to, more than anyone would know. It made me think that no one knew the real you, but I wanted to.

‘Can I help with anything?’ I asked, expecting you to be confident like you were with answers in class, but instead you wrung your hands, and your mouth opened repeatedly, trying to find words but somehow you had lost them. ‘(Y/N).’ I said, which caught your attention finally.

Your disguise clearly had not worked, so you removed the shades, but the hood stayed up. I was relieved to see the lack of a black eye or tears, I knew from then on that you just felt awkward. This was not a predicament that you had found yourself in before.

‘Actually, I’m looking for something’ It was more of a mumble that clear speech, but I still heard, and was happy that I did. I wanted to help, then maybe I could befriend you, and then change my image at Liberty.

‘What?’ Before you answered, you looked terrified, so I grabbed your hands and held them. It seemed to calm you a little, but you still had the instinct to look around to check for other people. My mum had went to the back to grab more stock, so it was just us. You and me, but now I speak this stood alone. There is no one here, just cold walls that don’t even want to move closer to me.

So, those of you who are listening, you can already tell that she created distance between me and her. I bet no one even knew that you had been a great support system once, until it was decided that we should keep our space.

‘Condoms.’ Was your quiet response, you appeared uncomfortable in saying it. At that time or before, I would have assumed that you had no problem with purchasing the contraception, seeing as everyone was far too familiar with you and Scott Reed in the hallways.

‘This way.’ I led you, and it got me thinking. Had you never bought a box before? Was it Scott’s duty that he had failed to uphold, and here you were, running in, when you were in the most need for one?

We got to the aisle, and you haphazardly stared at the selection of the stock. Your eyes were wide, and your mind was turning. ‘Are you okay?’

At my voice you smiled, looking back and forth between me and your necessity. And finally you told me your problem, which did not seem to be troublesome at all. But this was where it all started, it finishes somewhere very different. 

‘I, uh, don’t know which ones to get.’ You appeared embarrassed in confiding this in me, and it really did make me think that you left the buying of them to Scott, until... ‘Me and Scott have never... you know. This was supposed to be a surprise, clearly not a very good one if I don’t know what frickin condoms to but.’

You were definitely embarrassed, your hands were raking through your hair, and there were tears holding back in your eyes. My hand caressed your shoulder and convinced you to look at me.

‘You’re both virgins?’ I asked rather bluntly, and you nodded shamefully. But you had nothing to be ashamed of, even if the news did shock me. The two of you fooled me, and could have fooled anyone considering your relationship. ‘Hey, that’s not a bad thing.’ I was a virgin too, even if others were led to believe differently. ‘It’s all new to the both of you, he’ll love the surprise, and he’d be stupid not to.’

Maybe I shouldn’t have convinced you to go ahead with your plan, but I did anyway. In this moment, you seemed like a nice girl, one who needed guidance rather than the flocks of followers that you were prone to having.

I scanned the selection, and grabbed the most suitable brand. ‘These would be best, just normal, like this and eventually that exchange.’

Clay paused the record as he saw that were at his house. He was astounded by the news of how late you and Scott were to blossoming sexually. There was a large difference between the pair of you and your so called friends.

“Did you know?” The investigator asked Tony, revelling in the newfound, yet old gossip.

“Don’t judge a book by it’s cover Jensen.” He told him. The boy was in for a ride, it was a long tape, for some reason, the longest one.

A/N: Sorry for the formation, I couldn’t add a read more button or a pic. So it’s just like this x

[variousqueerthings]

Tory Nichols Is Not Okay (and other predictable book-titles)

I’ve been trying to figure out some things around Tory that make me very protective of her as a character + hopeful for more in-depth writing of her character in upcoming seasons.

1. within the story she differs from literally every other main in that she’s the single character without a support network to fall back on. Even Robby, who’s having A Tough Fucking Time, could theoretically have a moment where he figures out that Kreese (and probably Silver once he’s in the picture) is the fucking worst and Daniel, Johnny, Shannon, and Amanda would want him to come back, hell I imagine that next season will have Daniel and Johnny thinking a lot about how exactly to convince Robby to give them a second chance - as of end season 3, Tory hasn’t got anyone fighting in her corner at all.

This isn’t in the sense of characters competing about trauma or who-has-it-worse or who’s more likely to become a villain or anything. It’s just something interesting I’ve noted, because there’s never been a character like her in the movies or the show, one who is going through stuff quite as bad as what she’s being presented as going through: No support, no money, no friends.

2. I find it interesting that she doesn’t (at the moment) have any direct connection to either Daniel or Johnny - the two cores of the show. Sure she was Johnny’s student for a hot second, but I don’t think they had a single meaningful interaction.

She interacted with Aisha first, which - when they wrote Aisha off the show (actually probably the thing I most disagree with in this story, because it left several question marks hanging in the air) - meant that the first grounding element she had in the story was lost.

Then she interacted with Sam and I think the core of their rivalry - that Sam represents everything Tory can’t have VS the complicated mix of privilege (which I’m hoping will be brought up) + the way Cobra Kai took her best friend and boyfriend from her + everything she’s internalised from Daniel - is really really cool and some of Tory’s strongest moments come from that, because the two play off each other so well and this show is all foils and nemeses. Hopefully the show won’t try to simplify this into “boyfriend troubles.”

Then there’s Miguel Which, obviously there’s some complicated stuff going on there, but in the end, beyond jilted lovers, I personally find her actual relationships with Aisha and Sam more interesting, although the general sense of “oh great, betrayed again, why did I think anything different would happen” + at the same time getting an insight into something inherently self-destructive, (in that she deliberately went for a guy she knew wasn’t over his ex) has some good elements to it.

(there’s Hawk as well, but that’s more casual-trauma-friendship-with-a-dose-of-egging-each-other-on, the two of them aren’t really close).

And lastly there’s Kreese. Who is. The only person who knows what she’s going through. We have one episode with a couple of scenes + a handful of comments that indicate where she’s at and where she’s at is not good. 

3. Tory is maybe a tough sell right off the bat, because of several factors: she’s mainly angry and violent, she’s (as stated above) not emotionally connected to the two leads and her only other relationships right now are antagonistic or written off the show or... Kreese. Robby is going to be there in season 4 which’ll offer some nice opportunities, but for the moment they’re pretty much strangers.

She was introduced later than anyone else we’ve got right now (characters from the movies notwithstanding, but we do already know those + they are connected to Daniel) and her first meaningful interaction was with Aisha, who, I will reiterate, I feel should not have been written off the darn show, but I digress. There was some really interesting interaction going on between her and Aisha and failing to make good on that kind of meant that there was a sense of floatiness to Tory’s first introduction - suddenly this relationship doesn’t matter, oh okay I guess? Reboot. 

That being said I think she’s a very bold addition to the show and I’m curious about where the story will go with Tory next, since imo her first two seasons were about building her character to a point where she could become an Antagonist with some hidden depths. 

I’m expecting based on the first three seasons of the show that those depths will be revisited and respected.

4. I think I’m hoping for Sam to realise what’s going on there, for Sam to try and help, for Sam to realise that, actually, Tory’s problems extend faaaar beyond her and she was more like the straw that broke the camel’s back. I’d like this as well because while it might’ve been a weakness before that Tory wasn’t connected to Daniel or Johnny, now that can become a strength - the story can really start to move beyond them and into the ways that the younger characters interact with each other in a more forgiving + healing + understanding way (using their lessons, which... might? become more unified now? perchance? since they’re on the same side for the first time in... ever?)

I’d like for another adult to get involved there, but I’d absolutely love it if the first steps came from Sam and Tory, rather than Daniel or Johnny or any other adult noticing this kid needs some help. It’d be sad and hopeful all at once for them to have the realisation that sometimes kids just fall through the cracks, but then Tory can be supported by her peers first and foremost.

I wouldn’t necessarily say this needs to happen in season 4, but the sympathy extended to characters like Hawk, Robby, Johnny, Daniel, etc. in the writing needs to be extended to her as well. And for that to happen she needs to connect with someone other than Kreese.

Also, of course, Tory and Robby are going to be Sadness Bros next season, pretty sure they have horror stories to tell each other while they bond - I’m hoping this doesn’t become a romantic relationship, but it’s a show that likes its romantic relationships, so we’ll see. Fingers crossed. (also if Tory should be dating anyone it’s Aisha, right????) Point is, that’ll obviously give her more grounding with another main that isn’t I’M GONNA KICK YOUR ASS!

I think this is where the initial elements of those aforementioned depths can be explored more thoroughly. Robby wouldn’t just be willing to listen - he’d be the first character to really Get It. He’ll probably be the first person to understand her and so the first protagonist we’ll get to really relate to her through (again, to me Miguel doesn’t count, he didn’t know her at all). 

Anyway I want for Sam and Tory to become the ultimate remixed version of Daniel and Johnny, in that they fully cannot stand each other for X amount of the runtime, only to find common ground at the last moment and perchance do some gay, friendly karate matching. 

(Also Tory’s bi, right? Yeah, Tory’s bi. I see your flannel!)

Tory has the potential to be a great slow-burn character, so I’m excited!

[darkmagic-sweetheart]

Sanders Sides Secret Santa Gift

Surprise @canadiantardis​!!! I’m you’re secret Santa for @sanderssides-secretsanta​ event! I’m very happy I was able to complete this gift for you as it was a very fun time. I will say it was a bit rushed, hehehe, but I still hope you like them. :3 First is the Soulmate AU you wished for. Ship is Moxiety since I also like that one as well. I’ve never written a fanfic on this kind of topic, but I had a few friends help me brainstorm. 

A Promise to Love You In this world you can always tell when someone has found their soulmate because their hair has changed to the color of an anime protagonist. Like straight up neon green for some people. Virgil just shivered at the thought of being stuck with such a bright color for the rest of his life. No thanks!

He was chilling on the sofa as he scrolled through his social medias’ waiting still on his new roommate to show up. The other guy had finally graduated from university and was moving back home to be with family. So now Virgil had a spare room to rent out to hopefully someone that could remember to clean the dishes at least three times a week. Virgil gave a huff leaning backwards over the sofa arm to check out the clock in the kitchen behind him. 1:34 PM...whoever this new guy was he was not the punctual type. Which wasn't the worst thing since sometimes this Stormcloud needed a big gust of wind to even get himself out of bed.

Usually, in the form of one of his peppier friends not knowing how to knock or his Nightmare Before Christmas alarm clock blaring at him. Whatever, he thought as he continued scrolling. There were a few articles trending about how soulmate encounters were increasing this holiday season. People finding that special someone and pressing their pinkies together to form their symbol. He looked at his and frowned. “Cute...yeah right. Not like I’m ever going to find my soulmate.”

For as long as Virgil could remember strangers would gush over his symbol. It was half of a purple colored heart. They’d say things like, “Wow, I wish I had a heart as my symbol” or “You’re so lucky! I heard a heart means your love will be really special.” Crap like that really made Virgil uncomfortable. He barely went outside as it is, how in the world was he supposed to find someone who’d like a recluse like him? For the time being he avoided those tags related to soulmates and went to listening to music as he waited.

--------- Patton, poor, poor Patton had been stuck in a taxi for the past hour and a half; squeezing the life out of his small bag of essentials, while the rest of his items shuffled in the back trunk. Now he never considered himself an impatient person, but the trip here had been riddled with flight delays, lost luggage, and helping a little girl with her cat being stuck in a tree. So this situation was just the tip of the iceberg. If anything he was probably one of the most considerate people on the planet as he got ready to jump ship. “Here, please take what I owe you. I’m already running late and I don’t have time to wait anymore. Sorry.”

The taxi driver, luckily, understood as he took his payment and let Patton out. Now he was a lone man with a bag strapped over his shoulder and an additional three to each side of him. All those days he skipped exercising came flooding in from his memories and regret was setting in as he trudged his way to his newly rented room a couple blocks away.

--------- Now staring at a clock resting at 2:15 PM, Virgil finally heard a knock at the door. “Finally!” He huffed exasperated. A million thoughts about chewing this guy out or acting cocky with him swirled in his mind, only to instantly vanish as he opened the door to an exhausted man gasping for breath on his front porch. First thought was, what? Second thought was, is he okay? Third thought, oh he’s pretty cute!

Patton was a little shorter than Virgil. His hair had curled ends and looked soft to the touch. Freckles painted his reddened face from the hiking trip he just took to get here as he worked on putting a smile on his face. “H-hi there. If y-you give me a minute I can...introduce myself.”

Virgil froze, his social anxiety crawling up his back as he debated with himself whether to let Patton in first, just grab his things, say hi back, get him some water, ask him out, etc. He was staring at the ground feeling anxious when suddenly a hand appeared right before his eyes. A hand? Oh shoot this was the guys hand right?

Patton was now smiling softly at Virgil with his hand extended out towards him in a friendly gesture. He had picked up on Virgil’s indecisiveness and decided for himself to initiate the greeting to keep things simple. Also so neither of them were awkwardly stuck on the porch all day. Now all Virgil needed to do was shake Patton’s hand like regular people do when meeting others face-to-face. Gingerly, he raised and took the hand in front of him to shake when a spark made him retract instantly. “W-what was that?!”

Both of their eyes were wide as they examined their hands. Nothing seemed weird, just static electricity? That’s when Virgil could hear a tiny gasp escape the other man’s mouth. “What? What is it?” “Y-your hair! It’s turned kind of purple at the tips.” “It’s done what now?!”

Virgil quickly pulled out the pocket mirror he always had on him in case his eyeliner messed up as he tilted it upwards to the tip of his bangs. The strands really had turned purple, a really nice deep purple too. He was kind of mesmerized by it until the reality of the situation set in. His hair had just changed colors...did that mean that him and this guy?

Immediately, Virgil glanced at the strangers hair and there it was; Pink! Pink strands of slightly curled hair bouncing along with the slight breeze outside. “No way.” He whispered as he took his new roommate's hand and examined it. Patton didn’t move a muscle. He knew what was going on after seeing the color appear in Virgil’s hair. Although, it was all still sinking in for him as well. Was this cutie really his soulmate, was this really happening now when he’s covered in sweat and looking disheveled? Patton blushed feeling embarrassed as his new roommate kept touching his hand. Finally the silence was cut between them as Virgil found what he was looking for.

“You...you’re my...wow...um, sorry...I.” This was so unreal, like a freaking movie or something! Virgil was lost for words as he blushed. “I-It’s okay...I’m also really surprised. My name’s Patton by the way. I’m so sorry for being late to move in today. It’s been...crazy.” Patton gave a chuckle at his choice of words. This was indeed crazy.

Virgil laughed along, feeling more at ease as he finally let go of Patton’s hand and started carrying in his things. “Understatement of the year.” He teased carrying them up into the vacant room. Though, quickly coming back down to sit with Patton on the sofa.

“I’m Virgil and I guess...your soulmate too? Damn, sorry this is really new and strange to me. It doesn’t even feel real honestly.” He was mumbling to himself until he felt that familiar soft hand touch his. “Like you see in the movies right?” “Right.” “Then, like in the movies, we should finish the connection between us.” Patton then held up his pinkie, in the same manner one does a pinkie promise. But, Virgil was hesitant. “A-are you sure you want someone like me? I mean we’ve just met and…” “And?” “It’s just really fast is all. I’m not the most confident guy.” He curled up into his hoodie trying to hide his expression. Patton found this cute though. In his eyes Virgil was like a big cat that hadn’t gotten enough love in its life. “I’m not going to force you Virgil, but that first moment we shared at the door. That feeling when our hands touched for the first time. It was special. You’re special, I could tell that in an instant.” “I’m special? You really think that?” “I do. I also felt like I may never find my soulmate because I’ve always given a lot of my own love away to others who needed it, but never really had any luck in finding someone who could return what I gave. With you Virgil, I feel like you have a lot of love to give and receive.” “T-then are you saying you like me?” Patton smiled and gave Virgil a slight peck on the cheek and giggled. “Yeah I do. I like you Virgil. I’m your soulmate after-all.”

Virgil blushed bright red, but relief swept over him as he got his pinkie out and smiled. “Okay then.” Feeling more secure from Patton’s words, Virgil pressed the side of his pinkie into Patton’s to form a heart shaped symbol that turned the rest of Virgil’s hair purple and Patton’s pink. Both now had a full heart, matching their colors on their pinkies. “Guess I’ve upgraded from roommate to boyfriend huh?” Patton smirked, hugging into Virgil’s chest. He nodded feeling shy; this was going to take some getting used to.

The End

Second, please also enjoy some art I did for the ending scene: 

Happy Holidays! 

[lyranova]

Leon and Alistar

Hi guys! So here’s Part 1 of a co-op fic of mine and @thoughtfullyrainynightmare ! We had to split it into 2 parts because it was so long 😅! Anyway hope you all enjoy~! Also this isn’t edited very well my apologies!

Word Count: 3,034

Taglist: @eme-eleff @jovialnoise @simpingforthisonedeer @succulentsunrise

Warnings: None

———

Clouds floated through the blue sky as people started gathering at the training grounds of Magic Knights' headquarters. New squad members had been admitted to the squads once more this year, but for most of them it was a day off.

However, that wasn't the case for these knights, who had been off on the evaluation day, since their parents had admitted them to the squad even without partaking into the exam. And this training took place for the purpose of bringing together the next generation of potential squad captains, or those who'd otherwise most likely end up in prominent roles in the kingdom.

The young knights were no strangers to each other; having passed each other by because of their parents' relationships, but this would be the first day of properly training together. Training and building towards a a more unionized generation of Magic Knights, where the robe you wore wouldn't be a stigma, creating "us or them" mentality within the knight ranks.

The Wizard King and Magic Knight Captains considered it one step closer to realizing their dreams of making one unified society. Alistar Vangeance, son of the Golden Dawn’s Captain, was the first to arrive at the Magic Knights HQ for this ‘bonding’ exercise. He admittedly thought it was a good idea, but he was a little hesitant as he didn’t know much about the other children except for Hikari. He leaned against one of the walls in the room as he watched the other children enter one by one, the Captains were all seated in the gallery above so they could get a bird’s eye view of the exercise.

“ Hm I wonder why the Vermillion kids are?” Hikari asked suddenly, making Alistar look at her. All the other children were there except for them.

“ Maybe they’re just running late?” He shrugged simply before the doors opened to reveal the Vermillion twins. Leonidas and Cyraleona.

“ Sorry we’re late, we got held up in the city, it won’t happen again.” Leonidas promised as his sister nodded in agreement. Fuegoleon sat down in his seat quickly as well.

Alistar admittedly had only met the two in passing and was usually very polite. As the orange haired young man walked past him Alistar nodded politely.

“ Leonidas.” The young man turned and nodded politely as well.

“ Alistar.”

Cyraleona quirked an eyebrow at her brother. He was keeping it civil, but there was something about the exchange that seemed tense, more so than usually. It was supposed to be about building better relations, but instead it seemed, at that moment, more as if both of them being prepared to defend their family honour.

"Hikari,"" she acknowledge with a smile while glancing at the raven haired girl next to Alistair, in the hopes of gently nudging her brother.

"Hi," Hikari greeted back. "Nice day, isn't it? Training is much more fun when it's not pouring down."

"Yes," Leonidas agreed with a small nod, glancing at Hikari and giving her a polite smile.

"Indeed," Alistair agreed as well, doing the same.

A moment of silence hung in the air as the grown-ups talked amongst themselves on the balcony; probably going through the day's agenda.

"I wonder what will be in store for the day," Hikari pondered out loud. "I can't imagine we'll be sparring for the whole day."

Alistar shrugged as he also looked up toward the adults. He was sure they probably had more planned then just fighting, especially since they kept calling it a ‘bonding’ experience. He noticed the Vermillion twins doing the same.

“ I would like to think it’ll be more than training. But who knows with our parents, especially since they do like to surprise us every now and then with something unexpected.” He chuckled and Hikari nodded.

“ They’ll probably have us start out with sparring and maybe even have us go out on a mock mission or something to test our skills as a team.” Cyrleona said softly as she turned to look back at the small group. Leonidas nodded.

“ That would be the smartest move, pair up two people to spar against one another and then make them have to work together.” Alistar placed a hand thoughtfully under his chin.

“ You sound like you know a lot more about this than you’re letting on.” Alistar meant it to come off as a joke, but it came out more like a serious statement. He watched Leonidas’s eyes narrow a bit before Hikari sighed beside him.

“ Well if that’s the case I hope I’m not paired up with you Alistar,” Hikari said quickly changing the subject. “ As your bodyguard I’m meant to protect you, not hurt you.”

As Alistar went to open his mouth to reply he watched as all the adults stood at the balconies edge and faced their children

"Listen up you brats," Yami was the first to speak up as he let his gaze travel around the room freely, but still looking at Hikari fondly for a brief second. "We have a full day planned ahead for you, so listen first and ask questions second."

Charlotte glanced at him from the corner of her eye, clearly disagreeing with his choice of words. But. He had always been like that, and though he was much more gentle around their kids, he hadn't changed the way he spoke to other's kids.

"Thank you Yami," William smiled at him. "I believe we all know why where here, so we can skip right through to the events of the day. You can probably guess that our aim isn't to only have you train in combat, but also grow in other areas of life."

Hikari could see a faint smirk pass over Alistair's lips as his father spoke the word 'grow'. But the moment only lasted for a fraction of a second, and no one else had noticed.

"You will begin the day by sparring in pairs, and to avoid our personal opinions on who should train with whom, we'll be drawing lots for the pairs," Fuegoleon continued. "And after you have sparred, you'll be partaking on a treasure hunt with your peer."

"A treasure hunt?" Cyra mumbled to herself. Her voice was full of surprise and spoken with a delicate tone, one that no one but the four of them could most likely hear.

“ Now,” Charlotte began as she stepped forward with a small goblet full of lots with the childrens names on them. One by one the Captain’s pulled out the names written on them. Alistar partially hoped he would be training with Hikari, but a small piece of his heart protested; he didn’t want to fight her, ever. Because that meant he could possibly hurt her.

“ Alistar Vangeance,” Yami suddenly announced as he looked at the lot with the white haired boy’s name on it. He hoped beyond hope the next lot would be Hikari’s, but his hopes were dashed when Yami read. “ Leonidas Vermillion.”

The two teens looked at each other with wide eyes as did the young girls. None had been expecting that. Alistar couldn’t even remember what Leonidas’s affinity was and Leonidas happened to be thinking the same thing.

Leonidas and Alistar quickly looked up towards the adults and saw the looks on their father’s faces; there was no way out of this.

“ Which leaves Hikari and Cyraleona as the last pair, we’ll be calling your names randomly to start the sparring matches.” William announced and the kids went off in their pairs. Hikari looked at Alistar apologetically and quickly mouthed ‘you’ll be ok!’ before going off with Cyraleona.

“ Well you were right; our parents do like to surprise us.” Leonidas told him before walking away and Alistar nodded in agreement before following after him to a nearby corner where they stood somewhat uncomfortably next to each other as they watched the other kids spar when their names were being called.

They walked up to the training grounds, standing on opposite side of the arena and looking at each other. Alistair took out his grimoire, leaving Leon wonder if he should do the same.

‘I've just finished crafting it, and I've been fine until now... But mom always says that I shouldn't rely on more simple spells at all times.’ He thought to himself, seeing Alistair frown.

‘Why isn't he taking out his grimoire? He does intend to use spells, right?’ His gaze shifted for a moment to the adults who hadn't yet given them permission to start the battle.

At the side of the field, Cyraleona couldn't help but lean a bit forward, while trying to keep herself otherwise composed. Leonidas hadn't yet shown her his grimoire, and he had used a good while in the process of making it in the first place. Thus, she couldn't help but feel the flicker of excitement of probably seeing him fight with it for the first time.

‘No... I think I can manifest it during the battle if need be. Because your grimoire is your lifeline, right? Any attacks to it would mean certain death, right? Because Cloverians' life is connected into their grimoires while for Theans it's a manifestation of their powers, right? And I'm both, so I can't say for certain.’ He took a deep breath and set his mind to the task.

"Oy-oy Vermillion. What's up with your boy?" Yami asked on the balcony. "He's not taking out his grimoire."

"It's something he gets from his mother's side," Fue only commented. "I can't say that I agree with it, but it's his choice to make."

William frowned at Fuegoleon’s comment but didn’t say anything, he just turned to look back at the battle. Alistar looked calm and relaxed, but those that knew him knew better; he was anticipating his attack. Possibly even trying to guess what the young Vermillions first move would be.

“ You may begin!” Nozel shouted suddenly just as Alistar tilted his head curiously.

‘Let’s see what you’ve got, Vermillion.’ He instantly flipped through the pages of his grimoire as he finally landed on a spell. He smiled slightly before it disappeared, this would probably be his safest bet to try since he didn’t know what magic to use.

“ World Plant Creation Magic; Ice-Plant’s entanglement!” He watched as the fire resistant plant began to spring up from the floor and tried to wrap around Leonidas.

The boys began to dodge and maneuver around the arena as they cast offensive and defensive spells at one another. Hikari watched with a smirk on her face; he was giving Alistar a run for his money, the only one she had seen ever give him this much of a challenge was herself.

‘Come on Alistar you’ve got this! Push past your limits!’ She cheered internally, she wanted her best friend to succeed.

“ Your sons doing a very fine job Fuegoleon.” William complimanted, Fuego smiled and nodded.

“ As is yours. We raised two very capable mages I think.” Fuego said as his son sent another spell towards the young Vangeance

"Burning Sun Magic; Sunrays!" He called out while shooting scorching rays at Alistair.

‘Damn it! I can't win like this. This isn't Thea so I don't have a nearly endless pool of mana from which to draw. He's going to run out of mana too if we keep this up, but then it'll be a question of which runs out first. And relying on the 'chance' that it'd be him, would be just bad tactics.’ He took the moment he had while Alistair was dodging his attack to collect his mana, and manifest his grimoire before him.

"Hm?" Yami hummed while leaning closer. "He's creating a grimoire?"

"'Creating' wouldn't be the correct term to use here," Fuegoleon commented. "He has had his grimoire for a few months now, but for some reason he refuses to use it."

William glance at Fuegoleon, unsure of how to feel because of the explanation. But if Leonidas indeed refused to use his grimoire freely then that must've meant that Alistair had forced him to do so. And that could be counted as a compliment, right?

Leon collected mana, as if waves of pure energy collecting in his hands. And as soon as it had formed into a shape of a book, he let the pages flutter open as he called out: "Burning Sun magic; Heat wave!"

The arena became flooded with scorching, burning mana, while Leon spoke out: "I might not be able to burn your plants. But they can still wilt, right? And even if your magic won't, the 'you' can get dehydrated, right?"

‘This is my safest bet. I might not be able to hit him, but if he can't get far enough from my spell's reach, then he has to go all out and maybe, maybe exhaust himself.’ Leonidas thought.

———

Alistar and Leonidas stood there listening as the Captain’s explained the Treasure hunt. Both had fainted from excessive mana use, which was somewhat embarrassing, but not as embarrassing as Hikari chewing Alistar out for it in front of everyone, while Cyraleona had gently scolded her twin. Fuego and William both shook their heads in disapproval, but their battle ending in a draw meant two things; one, that they were evenly matched, and two they both still had a lot to learn.

“ Now the rules are simple; each team has a map and a compass, you are not allowed to use mapping spells as not every mage has one. You have 2 hours to find the treasure, if no one finds it then it will be a draw.” Vangeance explained quickly.

“ Your time begins now.” Fugeo announced and each team went off in different directions.

Alistar glanced over at Leonidas as they went off in the direction the compass led them, he gave Leonidas the compass while he held the map. They walked silently for the most part, saying a few coordinates here and there.

“ What does this thing even look like?” He muttered and the orange haired male shrugged.

“ Like a box I assume.” Leonidas muttered as well, both were feeling a little defeated at their sparring match, but maybe if they found the treasure before anyone else would make up for it. Alistar for sure wanted to find it before Hikari, they had made a small bet that the losing team would have to do whatever the winning team asked for an entire day.

"I really thought that they would have had something more... intellectually stimulating in store for us...." Alistair muttered to himself as they continued forward.

"Yeah..." Leonidas agreed. "Something more than travel an X amount of miles to a given distance and dig up a box would have been nice."

"If it even is a box," Alistair frowned while looking at the map in his hand.

"What else could it possibly be? It has to be something small enough for us to carry, right?" Leonidas shrugged again while looking at the white haired male.

"That's true," Alistair admitted. "But the girls went to the opposite direction, so we aren't competing for the same treasure. That has to mean something."

They shared a glance as they both thought about what it could possibly mean while a silence settled into the air.

"How far is it supposed to be?" Leonidas asked after a while of pondering.

"Well, given how much we've moved during this time, I'd say half an hour more," Alistair commented.

"You think it could be a dungeon, or is it an open area?" Leonidas asked, wanting to have a better idea of what they'd be instore for.

"I don't think it really qualifies as a dungeon, but there might be a structure nearby it."

“ Hm,” Alistar looked around before he started walking again. “ they would want it to be concealed but not too concealed where we can’t find it.” He muttered looking around.

“ How about that building over there? It looks like the perfect spot.” Leonidas pointed toward a small, half standing building in the distance. It was in an open area but behind it stood dark woods, an ambush could easily be inside. The two boys quickly made their way towards it slowly.

“ Be cautious; we don’t know what we’re in for.” Alistar said and the orange haired boy nodded in agreement, Alistar and Leonidas stood still for a few moments. Both trying to sense if there was mana inside the building.

“ It’s faint, but it’s there.” Leonidas said as he looked towards the white haired boy who nodded.

“ Yeah, someone’s in there. But it feels like one person so I think we can take them.” Alistar said thoughtfully before the two boys rushed in and saw...nothing?

“ Hm this is odd, why do we feel mana but there isn’t a single person here?” Leonidas mused as he looked around, Alistar shrugged as he walked to the center of the room where the “treasure” sat.

“ Well, this is anticlimatic.” Alistar chuckled. “ I was hoping it would be something *more* then just a box-.” He didn’t get to finish his sentence as they were attacked suddenly by people in bandits robes.

“ Ah I should’ve know; our parents wouldn’t make getting the treasure that easy.” Leonidas chuckled as he and Alistar began to fight off the “bandits”.

Luckily it was the two of them against three, and since they knew it to be a fake fight, the battle didn't take long. And, as suspected, the "bandits" turned out to be members of their parents' squads. ‘Too easy’ Alistair and Leon thought to themselves.

They were able to grab the box, which was a simple wooden one, seemingly nothing much on it. There was only a faint glow of mana from it, almost as if long forgotten, dormant mana.

"Should we still see what's inside of it?" Leon thought out loud.

Alistair turned his head for a moment before shrugging. "Well it's not against the rules, so suppose there's no harm in it."

The two halted their steps to inspect the box. The lock of it didn't pose any problems to them, so it didn't take long for the two of them to crack open the lid to reveal... an image of a red herring.

———

Part 2 will be posted shortly! Thank you guys for reading and I hope you all have a good day~!

[xcherry-popx]

if its not too weird to ask, could you write some posts abt rad + asd (either one or both/abt comorbidity)? cuz i wanna find more info abt them & i saw stuff saying asd/rad cmrbidity was impossible too & think i may have both. i have zero access to mental health help atm and will for a pretty long time so im just doing what i can as i wait, document my symptoms and stuff and try to cope, for now. (btw im saying this 2 clarify tht im not trying to be invasive or out of curiosty. sry its so long)

It's no problem! Honestly, I'm excited to hear about someone like me, with how uncommon it is. No need to worry about it being long, because my answer ended up long as well ^-^;;

I wrote this quicker than I expected, so please forgive any mistakes, and feel free to ask for clarification. 

I’m mostly going to use the term ‘RAD’ (reactive attachment disorder), but a lot of this information applies to DAD (disinhibited attachment disorder) as well. I was diagnosed when they were still grouped together as RAD.

If any information does not apply to both, I’ll specify the differences between them.

First off: there is no reason autism and RAD can’t be comorbid. Now, most psychologist insist that they cannot exist together, but this is outdated. Unfortunatly, because RAD is so uncommon, very little discussion occurs, and thus any progress in understanding the disorder takes a bit of time.

Fortunately, some discussion has begun. This study is one from 2017. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/27895198/

As of now, it’s the only scholarly discussion, but hopefully that will change in time.

Essentially, autism is something you’re born with, while Reactive Attachment Disorder is the result of severe neglect or mistreatment.

The study found that several children diagnosed with RAD met the criteria for autism. The difference in children with autism and RAD vs children with only RAD can be distinguished by focusing on traits specific to autism.

That’s actually how I first suspected I had both: I looked through several diagnosis lists and checked whether I had symptoms exclusive to each list.

One of the current diagnostic criteria for RAD  and DAD is that the child cannot also be diagnosed with autism. This is because RAD, and later, DAD, were often used to explain ‘autistic-like behavior’ in children who either did not show signs of autism early on, or who experienced severe mistreatment.

The main reason this is outdated is because it relies on the belief that autistic individuals do not form attachments to caregivers, which many autistic people will tell you is false. That all relates back to the idea that because autistic people show affection differently, they do not feel it the way allistic people do, which is, again, false.

It’s often difficult to get an RAD diagnosis, much less one along with an autism diagnosis. However, it’s not impossible, although for me it involved two different diagnosises that my grandma and I realized made most sense together.

Under the cut, I’m going to talk more generally about RAD and DAD as well as about my experiences.

 You said you don't have much access to mental health help, but I felt I should include this next segment anyways. 

Attachment therapy, one of the most well-known treatments, is harmful. I would suggest avoiding it. It goes against attachment theory, the basis of RAD. I don’t say this to scare you, but it is coercive and has resulted in death in some cases. You can look into it yourself, but it is rather sickening for me, so please take care if you do so.

While most advice involves making sure the child has an emotionally available ‘attachment figure’, usually a caretaker, that assumes you would want someone to connect to that way.

As someone with inhibited type RAD, I always struggled when people asked if I wanted to be closer to my grandma. To me, we were like strangers, maybe coworkers. I didn't want to open up to her, and so I still don’t.

I believe that, while it’s nice to have a friendly relationship with caretakers, it’s not necessary. For me, it’s always been more important to have friends I can open up to.

Don’t feel pressured to form an emotionally intimate relationship if you don’t want to or feel ready for it. I still don’t think I’m close to my grandma, but we feel like acquaintances now, and that’s enough for me. You don’t have to force a relationship, but don’t be afraid if you want to start one.

Of course, you may have different experiences, or be in a different place with your caretakers, but since I've struggled with that aspect I wanted to talk about it.

Most treatment for RAD is under the assumption that the child is young, which I assume you are not. In general, I suggest finding people you can trust, if you don’t have them already. I don’t want to make too many assumptions here, so if you want more specific advice feel free to ask me.

While RAD is the result of mistreatment such as abuse or neglect, it’s rare even among those who have experienced such things. There’s some debate on why it occurs, and I believe many theories suggest disposition can make one susceptible? But I’m not entirely certain on that front. Also, I’d like to clarify one thing. While most criteria says the mistreatment must begun before age five, it’s not necessary. What happened to me was when I was 11, and it changed me enough that I gained a official diagnosis of RAD a few years later. What matters is how it affected you, not when it occurred.

Now, I’ve mentioned there’s a difference between RAD and DAD, but I haven’t specified what it is. I'll explain that, but to do so I need to talk about how they form.

The basis of RAD and DAD is what’s called attachment theory. This states that young children need strong bond with at least one caregiver to develop. The bonds with their caregivers dictate how their attachment style forms. However, RAD and DAD have their own types of attachment, referred to as inhibited attachment and disinhibited attachment.

They used to both be classified as RAD, separated under the categories ‘inhibited type’ and ‘disinhibited type’.

Many people with inhibited or disinhibited type will show signs of both, but can usually be classified as one or the other. I am inhibited type, but when I was younger I showed signs of disinhibited type in places such as school.

Inhibited attachment is what’s known as Reactive Attachment Disorder. It’s more common in mistreated children. This type is when a child avoids or ignores caregivers, often not showing affection unless convinced to.

Disinhibted attachment is what’s now known as Disinhibited Attachment Disorder. This is more common in children in institutions or group homes. This type shows affection to any and all adults. They are quick to trust strangers. When my grandma worked in foster care, she had some children who, after less than a day of meeting her, would cling to her leg and beg her to take them home.

In this case, inhibited types struggle to form attachments, while disinhibited types will form attachments quickly and easily, with no preference towards their caregivers.

I think that’s all for official information, so I'll talk a bit about my experiences with RAD.

Honestly, it’s isolating. It’s often seen as something that happens to children, and no one talked about adults with it. There’s numerous psychologists who’ll misdiagnose it in foster teens for not showing affection to adoptive parents ‘the way theyʻre supposed to’. Many people treat people with RAD or DAD as ‘psychopaths’, and there’s numerous times I’ve seen it listed as ‘terrifying’, even among the social workers that meet kids with it.

It's discouraging. But I want to tell you that you aren’t alone. I’d be happy to talk to you about your experiences, and share my own. I have hope that people will begin to recognize this disorder despite how uncommon it is, and see it for what it is.

In any case, I hope you are able to find the diagnosis you need, even if it doesn’t turn out to be this one. I wish you the best of luck!

[hxhhunterxhunter]

Little Spider

👁🩸 Chapter 3📖🕷

Y/n followed Kurapika as they went through the city of Yorknew City. She wasn't exactly use to walking around in a packed place, since she never really was allowed to go anywhere away from Chrollo.

She had always had to be a few meters away from him for the least. She didn't even know why she was here and why she even followed the string that lead her to Kurapika, oh right, she was brought because of her nen.

She continued to follow Kurapika, slightly getting pushed through the crowds as they were walking.

"Mr Kurapika..." She said softly as she was getting pushed further back from him. She managed to grab his hand, so she wouldn't loose him as they were walking. She was trying to ignore everyone and stay focused on Kurapika, keeping close to him.

Kurapika noticed and held her hand, as they were manuring through the crowd, eventually reaching their destination.

~~~~~~~~

"Good work, I have your next assignment." Y/n was outside the room, sitting on the ground as she was waiting for Kurapika to finish up the meeting. She hummed to herself softly as she drew a small symbol of a heart and tear, which revealed a string that connected to someone, who Y/n knew.

"Hisoka is 10 hour walk from here..." She said softly to herself, as she was listening to the conversation on the inside of the room

"You must win these 3 items at the underground auction. Money is no object"

"The full body of Princess Corco."

"A tissue used by the actor Son Remarch."

"And finally the eyes of the Kurta, also known as the scarlet eyes."

"Also We have received a report that there will be an attack at the auction. Prepare for any unexpected complications, while focusing on the primary objective of finding these items." Y/n's eyes widened slightly at hearing what the guard had told the people inside.

"Fei is there... I can go find them." She said as she drew a small spider, with the number 2, revealing the place where her best friend was.

"The auction house..." She mumbled softly, at finding out that they reached their destination. She gripped onto the string sightly, she was trying to use her nen to see what they were doing, as she closed her eyes she found herself in a different location, and taller than her normal height, good.

String Sight, she can see what the person, who the string is connected to, can see.

As she was watching, finding that he was standing with the troupe members, seemingly talking about something. Considering she wasn't using her nen to hear what they were saying, it was quiet, and their mouths were moving, no words coming out of them.

She slowly opened her eyes, and squinted, trying to get her eyes use to the light again. She watched as the door open and the guards were leaving.

"Mr Kurapika..." She said softly and grabbed Kurapika's sleeve. Kurapika looked at the female.

"Y/n, you can stay here, I need to go-"

"Can I come with to the auction? I know someone who is going there..." She replied softly. Kurapika bit his lip slightly, after hearing that there could be an attack, he didn't think it was safe for her to come along, but she could find her father, or anyone in her family at the auction...

"Alright Y/n, but stay close with me."

~~~~~~~~~

Relationships: (Ranked from favourite to least favourite)

Feitan - Best friend, only person who cares about her the most from the spiders. He considers her as a sister in a way

Chrollo - Father, he doesn't really care about her that much, and mostly uses her for his own benefit

Kurapika - Stranger, nice to Y/n and feels like that she was brought there for a reasoning, to help him track down the spiders.

Shalnark - Talks to her time to time, third person from the Spiders that Y/n likes

Pakunoda - Has a close relation from Pakunoda teaching her while growing up, but they aren't that close.

Uvogin - They are mostly together when Y/n was younger, Don't interact much once she got older

Machi - Learnt how to control her Nen through Machi, Don't talk really except if they have to, which is rare.

Shizuku - They never really talked, know each other and respect each other.

Rest of Spiders - Coming soon

Masterlist

[springday-aus]

SVT’s Wonwoo: Daytime Scares

—

Fic Written by: Admin Grandma of @springday-aus​

Moodboard Link: created by Admin Grandpa

Main Characters: Y/N [fem. reader] and Seventeen’s Jeon Wonwoo

Other Characters: OCs [Ae Jae, Mi Jeong, Yoojin, and Minjae], Chaeyoung (BlackPink), Yongsun (Mamamoo), Seventeen [Seungkwan and Mingyu] 

Genre: fluff, romance, comedy, college!Wonwoo

Type: one-shot writing piece

Word Count: approx. 11.6k

Plot Summary: Wonwoo is nothing more than an attractive stranger in your ethics class. You have no relation with him whatsoever, but that changes when you suddenly have a nightmare that he tries to kill you. That’s a whole level of psychoanalyzing you would rather not dive into. But now things get weirder when he’s starting to talk to you. 

→ Based on the AU prompt: “I had a dream that you tried to kill me and now I’m scared of you” 

Sleepovers typically mean movies, gossip, and face masks. It’s a fun time to be with your friends and it’s good for lowering stress after midterms. The only level of stress here is would be finding a movie to watch—which probably should have been selected beforehand. But, in your defense, it was hard enough to schedule this hang-out; who has the time to actually schedule the activities? 

So, right now, you lay comfortably on the carpeted floor of Ae Jae’s studio apartment with Mi Jeong. You two are on your phones, trying to find a movie to watch. Meanwhile, Yoojin scrolls through her laptop—connected to the projector—browsing through her Netflix account. 

“What about Hustlers?” Minjae asks. 

“I could really use some J.Lo right now,” you say with wiggling eyebrows. 

“Ugh, we can all use a little more J.Lo,” Mi Jeong says. 

“That movie is too recent,” Yoojin says. “We can’t find that on a streaming site.” 

“Hello?” Ae Jae says. “Have you heard of Dailymotion?” 

“Do you want me to just pull up one of those illegal websites?” Minjae asks. 

Yoojin turns around to face her. “Ma’am, that’s called pirating.” 

“Exactly.” 

Mi Jeong laughs at them. Yoojin gives her a pointed look, but you all know it’s no bad intentions. 

You set your phone down and sit up from your previous position. “Might as well. We can probably browse through the other movies and figure out some other options to choose from.” 

“What I’m hearing is,” Ae Jae says, “is that we don’t have to pay to watch these new movies.” 

Yoojin rolls her eyes and moves out of the way of her laptop. “I guess we have nothing to lose.” 

“No fear of the viruses?” you ask. 

“Potato, potato,” Minjae says. 

Yoojin shrugs. “Fire away, Minjae.” 

You watch her practically jump over from her previous spot to the TV to type in one of her illegal sites, which you may or may not have frequently used—thanks to her. You can only laugh at her antics. 

It’s nice to be with your friends again. It’s been a while since you had properly sent time with them. With the assignments and overlapping work schedules, you’ve all kind of distanced yourselves from one another and, with midterms coming up, things were just piling higher. After midterms week finished, when things calmed down, you and your friends aligned your schedules to catch up with one another. 

But who knew it would take nearly two hours to figure out what to watch? Granted, one of the flaws within your friend group is the fact that most of your friends (you included) are incredibly indecisive. 

As Minjae moves from one page to the next, everyone else silently scans the movies presented in front of them. 

“The live-action Lion King is out,” Mi Jeong says. “That could be an option.” 

“Hm,” you say. “I’m pretty sure it’s just the same as the original one.” 

“It is,” Minjae says. “But we can just put it on a list of things we could watch. We can still look.” 

“Let’s just do that,” Yoojin says. 

About ten movie pages (and a list of six possible movies to watch) in, Minjae gets into the horror movie section. You tense up from the movie covers—each one making your stomach twist in apprehension. The one thing each one of your friends know is that you get easily scared, which means you dodge horror movies like the plague. 

“Oh, what about It: Chapter 2?” Ae Jae asks. 

You start to whine, realizing where this is going. “Nooo.” 

You’re ignored. 

“I still haven’t watched the first one,” Minjae says.

“What?” “That was literally everywhere.” “How did you manage to miss one of the biggest horror movies?” 

Minjae shrugs off the questions. “I just never got to it.” 

“It’s a good movie,” Mi Jeong says. “Right, (Y/N)?” 

You scowl at her. “No, it’s not.” 

Yoojin snorts. “You probably didn’t even watch it.” 

“Yeah.” 

“Since (Y/N) and I haven’t watched it,” Minjae says. “Should we just watch it?” 

“NOOO—” 

Everyone ignores you. 

“Since it’s kind of old,” Ae Jae says. “They’ll probably have it in higher quality.” 

“NOOOO—” 

“You’re probably right,” Yoojin says. “Oh, 1080hd. That’s fancy.” 

“GUYS. IS ANYONE GOING TO LISTEN TO ME?” 

“I found it!”  

You let out a long sigh, kissing a month’s worth of sleep away. You mumble under your breath. “Guess no one cares about my well being and health.” 

You move yourself to properly lay between Mi Jeong and Minjae, throwing another pillow down. All three of you are on the carpeted floor with too many pillows to count. Ae Jae moved herself and now, she lies on her bed with Yoojin. A blanket is placed on your head and shoulders, ready for cover whenever Pennywise’s face appears on the screen. 

You’ve never wished for poorer eyesight until now. You will never understand the trolls that found this clown attractive. A shudder runs down your spine, seeing his face flash in the lightning from the sewer. You quickly pull the blanket over your head to erase the image. 

You feel a couple of tugs. 

Mi Jeong’s pulling on it. “Jesus Christ, it’s just a clown!” 

“John Wayne Gacy was just a clown too and he turned out as a murderer. This one just happens to be supernatural!” 

Minjae starts to tug down the blanket as well. “Be apart of the friend group!” 

“NO!” 

A pillow is flung towards you, in courtesy of Yoojin, who yells down at all of you. “Be quiet!” 

“I want new friends.” 

It’s 3am—you’ve all moved on from It and onto some generic cartoon movie. You were the main advocate for another movie, in an attempt to rid yourself of the horrific images Pennywise provided. Mi Jeong and Minjae are both asleep on each side of you—both with pore strips still attached on their noses. Yoojin snores lightly from Ae Jae’s bed, whereas Ae Jae is up with her elbow propping up her head. 

“Hey,” she says. 

“What?” 

“You up?” She gives you a teasing smile. 

You roll your eyes at her. “This is your fault. Of course, I’m up.” 

“What? You really can’t sleep because of the movie?” 

You stare at her, but refuse to actually move. “Believe it or not, terrifying images of a killer clown that’s telling me I’ll float isn’t a good sleeping mechanism.” 

She opens her mouth, closes it, then opens it again, once the words come to her. “They help Mi Jeong sleep.” 

“She’s got a different way of thinking.” 

“Hmm, you’re right,” Ae Jae says. “Do you just want a melatonin instead?” 

You’ve got nothing to lose. “Sure.” 

She manages to get up, without waking up Yoojin, and walks over to the bathroom. She opens the cabinet, looks through it, and pulls out her melatonin gummies. She pops the lid open, walks towards you, and hands it over. “Take two and you should be asleep in thirty minutes.” 

“Thanks.” You take a couple, as she advises, and hand the jar back to her. You slowly chew on them, keeping your eyes on the screen in front of you. The images start to pass like a blur and you can’t retain what you’ve just watched. 

About twenty minutes later, your eyelids start to droop, feeling the melatonin kick in. You begin to feel a bit tired, so you fully close your eyes and drift off to sleep. 

You find yourself in a sewer, blindly moving through a lightless tunnel—with no clue as to how you ended up there. It’s dark, you note to yourself, and it smells foul. The muddy water splashes with each step and it rises as you go through, practically filling your boots. There’s a mist as well, blocking nearly half of your sight of the tunnel. You try to squint through the fog, trying to make out what’s ahead. 

You’re able to see a small light at the end. As if you had no control over your body, you run towards it—but it never gets any bigger. You can feel your heartbeat pounding against your chest as your legs keep you running. 

But then you slip. 

You swear you had felt a pull on your leg, but you couldn’t tell due to the murkiness of the water. You end up on your hands, your lower half is soaked, still in the water—you can’t even make out your reflection. You look closer at it, trying to see what could be underneath it. Suddenly, a hand pushes your head down. 

The dirty water fills up your nose and you struggle to escape from this person’s hold on you. As you’re submerged, you hear it. The familiar voice, but you can’t pinpoint where you’ve heard it. 

“Can you float?” 

You freeze, hearing those words. 

The hand lets go and you resurface, taking in a deep breath of much needed air. You look up at your tormentor, who looks down at you with a smirk. His teeth are sharpened, shining with the little light of the tunnel. His eyes are dark and long eyelashes curl on top of his eyelids. Raven-black bangs stick to his forehead—from sweat or water—you couldn’t tell. You look up a bit further, spotting the deviled horns on his head. 

You put it together. 

It’s Wonwoo. But, what’s he doing here? 

He tilts his head at you, pitying you as if you were a lost kitten. His lips fully curl from a smirk to a sinister smile. He lowers his head closer to you. 

“Can you float?” he asks. 

You don’t have the words to answer him; you don’t think you can find any. 

He asks again. “Can you float?” 

Before you say anything, he shoves your head underneath once more. 

It’s been two weeks since the sleepover (and the last time you had proper sleep). Classes have started up again, but you’re already tired. It isn’t even from the goddamned workload (which you are definitely not doing). Since the sleepover, you’ve had the same recurring nightmare over and over. Same place, same face. 

Right now, you sit at a table in the dining hall with a single coffee mug that’s already empty. You wait for your friends to arrive at the table, tapping away at your phone, trying to make yourself busy. 

“What’s up,” Chaeyoung says. She takes the seat in front of you and sets her plate on the table. She spots the sad coffee mug and looks between it and you, before asking. “Is that all you’re getting?” 

You set your phone down. “No, I also had a bowl of ice cream earlier.” 

“(Y/N), it’s noon.” 

“Sugar means energy.” 

She lets out a sigh—not surprised, just disappointed. You would think after knowing you for so long, she would get used to your horrible eating habits. She is your meal buddy after all. She takes a stab at her food. “So how was your mid-semester break?” 

“I think we both know that break is a joke.” 

“Still.” 

“Well, I got to meet up with some of my old friends, spent some time with family—you know, all the good stuff.” You lean on the table with an elbow propped up and a hand underneath your chin. “How was yours?” 

“Eh, I did the same thing. It was nice to chill for a bit, but then I remembered how many readings I have to do.” 

You force a smile at her. “I haven’t done any of mine.” 

She throws her head back with a laugh. You start laughing too, at yourself and at her. 

Yongsun comes around to the table. She sets down another cup of coffee for you, which you previously asked for, and her own plate as she sits herself next to you. She looks between you and Chaeyoung. “What’s going on?” 

“Nothing really,” you say. “Just talking about how oh-so productive we’ve been since break.” 

She gives you a bitter look with regret evident on her face “That break is a joke. I got nothing done either.” 

“Glad to know everyone is on the same track.” You take a sip of your coffee. 

“No offense,” Chaeyoung says. “But you look really tired. Are you okay?” 

Yongsun laughs, nearly choking on her food. “It’s the exams creeping up, that’s why her eye bags are a darker shade.” 

Your eyebrows slightly rise. “Not wrong, but doesn’t mean I don’t feel attacked.” 

“Are you having trouble sleeping again?” Chaeyoung asks. 

Yongsun takes a closer look at you. “You know, now that she’s said something. She’s not wrong. Are you okay?” 

You sigh and take another big sip of the coffee. “My friends made me watch It.” 

“That’s all?” Chaeyoung asks. 

“Kind of.” You set the coffee down and lay your head on the table. “I’ve just been having the same nightmares for a while now and I can’t sleep.” 

“What do you see?” Yongsun asks. 

“Why? Are you going to psycho-analyze them like you do with the others?” Chaeyoung asks. 

“Absolutely.” 

“Oh my god.”

“Now,” Yongsun says. She fully turns to you, pointing at you with her spoon. “What happens in your nightmares?” 

You hesitate. “The nightmare overall…. it makes sense but there’s a piece that I can’t figure out.” 

“What?” Chaeyoung asks. “You know what, just explain the entire dream and we’ll figure it out.” 

You scratch the back of your ear, feeling a bit sheepish of the whole thing. “Do you guys know Jeon Wonwoo?” 

There’s a silence, but you can practically see them racking their memory for him. You look between them, seeing if either one of them would know him. It’s ideal that they don’t, but if they do, they could probably picture it better. 

“Jeon Wonwoo,” Yongsun mutters under her breath. She speaks louder the second time. “That name is so familiar but I can’t pinpoint where.” 

Chaeyoung looks confused as well. “I get that. I feel like I know him too.” 

“What does this have to do with anything?” 

You let out a long sigh. “Because my nightmares are essentially him just trying to kill me.” You don’t take notice of Yongsun’s frantic typing on her phone. “I don’t understand why it’s him specifically.” 

Chaeyoung hums, nodding along to what you’re saying. “Maybe it’s just a random face from memory—you could have just seen his face and now it’s stuck. Is he ugly or something?” 

“He’s in my ethics class,” you say. “And he’s definitely not ugly.” 

“So he’s attractive and trying to murder you?” 

“Mmhm, basically.” 

“Is there a kink you aren’t sharing with us?” 

“No, who wants to be murdered?” 

“There’s lots of college kids who want to be murdered, (Y/N),” Yongsun says. 

“Okay, fair point.” 

“In other news though.” Yongsun pauses and sets her phone down for all three of you to see. “I found him and I can confirm that he is hot.” 

You take a peek at the Facebook profile—the familiar face is in the little profile image and you shudder out of habit. You move away from the phone, feeling uncomfortable from his face. “Yup, that’s him.” 

“Jesus,” Chaeyoung says. She grabs the phone and zooms in on the image. “This is the face you’re seeing? How can someone look like that?” 

You grimace. “I can’t.” 

“What do you mean?” Yongsun asks. 

“I sit in the front, far away from him, so I don’t have to look at him anymore.” 

“What do you think this means?” Chaeyoung asks. 

“From my perspective,” Yongsun says. “Maybe you’re scared of how attractive he is.” 

You and Chaeyoung squint at her, both not understanding. She continues. “This can mean a lot of things. I need the context.” 

You try to recollect your dream memories. It isn’t hard, considering the fact that you’ve had the same nightmare for a couple of weeks. Although, there have been odd additions every once in a while. Just last night, you were on an empty road rather than a sewer. Sometimes there was the pile of children there and would start floating in front of you. Wonwoo stood in front of it, just staring at it, before turning his head to you to start shoving you into the water. 

You shrink in your seat. You feel like throwing up. 

“Well?” Yongsun asks. “Any details?” 

You grimace again. “I would rather not share while we’re eating.” 

Chaeyoung looks at you with a bit of worry in her eyes. “Do you think you’ll be okay?” 

“Yeah.” You drown the rest of your now-cold coffee down. “It’ll be fine. It’s not like Wonwoo’s a friend. How hard could it be to avoid him?”

Another restless week passes and you’re convinced your sleeping schedule will never bounce back. You rub your eyes, trying to wake yourself up somehow—it’s your third cup of coffee of the day and it’s done nothing for you. 

It’s 11:20am and class is supposed to start in ten minutes. The class is already half full of students. Everyone else fiddles with their phones, or talks to others about weekend plans. You sit in your seat with a laptop out, fully blanking out, but attempting to stay awake. Granted, you can just ditch, but attendance counts and if your GPA is below 3.0, you can kiss that scholarship goodbye. 

You groan from the thought of being in this class for an hour. You lay your head on the table, feeling the cold table pressed on your cheek, and closing your eyes for just a moment. 

Suddenly, a chill comes over you and you feel more awake than ever. You open your eyes, only to see Wonwoo walk in. His backpack is slung over one shoulder; he wears a soft, black cardigan that’s tugged on his hands to form sweater paws. He has his hair down, tousling through his bangs with his long fingers. He looks like such a soft boy. 

Despite his boyish looks, you felt your body physically react. Chills run up your spine and you felt the hairs on your arms raise. You feel more alert than you’ve been in weeks. You quickly sit up and straighten out your back at his presence. That’s right: you’re in ethics. You always forgot, until you came to class, see him and the nightmares become daytime horrors. 

You let out a sigh. Somehow, you feel more exhausted than before, despite feeling more awake in Wonwoo’s presence. Once the professor arrives, she immediately starts her lecture. Frankly, you can’t even remember what she’s talking about. It all goes in one ear and out the other. You simply type away, your note page expanding as each minute passes. 

An hour eventually passes and you let out a breath of relief. 

“Alright class,” she says. “Remember for the next class, we will be working on our papers, so bring those laptops fully charged and be prepared for discussion.” 

Everyone, including yourself, groans. 

“We need to start preparing for the final and, from my previous feedback, I hear this is really helpful. So, prepare yourselves.” Your professor shuts off the monitor and starts to shut her books. “Now, get out.” 

No one had to be told twice; everyone practically floods out of the room, ready to take a nap or eat, or whatever else college kids do. With the combination of your previous exhaustion and the lecture, you were moving slower than usual, not wanting to tire yourself out further. You could feel your body nearly shutting down again. You close your eyes once more as you rotate your neck around. Once again, you feel the chills creep up your back.

You follow your instincts and open your eyes, spotting Wonwoo from the corner of your eye. Unknowingly, you flinch, immediately looking away from him. He tries to smile in your direction on his way out, but you move your body away from him, trying to look preoccupied as you shove your books into your bag. 

Once he leaves, you let out a long sigh you didn’t realize you held in. Resting your head on the table, you close your eyes—only to see the images of Wonwoo from your nightmares with devil horns. You sit back up, rubbing your eyes and trying to shake the sight of him out of your mind. 

This is going to be harder than you thought. 

“Paging Sleeping Beauty, are you awake?” 

You slowly sit up from the library table, trying to keep your eyes awake as you lean on your hand. “Yes, sir. I am physically present.” 

Seungkwan raises an eyebrow at you. “Are you sure you’re okay?” 

“When am I ever okay?” 

“Fair.” He sets down his books in front of you and takes a seat. “How much did you get done?” 

“I just finished the draft and took a lil nap.” 

“In a public space?” 

“I didn’t get robbed. I’m fine.” 

He blinks at you, shakes his head and tries to move on from the odd comment. “Anyways,” he says, pulling out his laptop. “I finished my essay earlier during class, so.” 

“So it might be garbage?” 

“Hell no.” He opens the laptop, mindlessly moving the mouse around. “I’m just saying, consider the conditions when you read this. I was in a highly stressed environment.” 

Seungkwan and you have the same professor for ethics (just at different times), so it only made sense to work together for this paper. You two knew each other from a previous class and bonded over a mutual friend of yours, Soonyoung. Obviously, suffering is the only way to bond with other college students, hence your blossomed friendship with Seungkwan. 

You rub your eyes, trying to keep yourself awake in front of his laptop. But, it doesn’t help and the words start to blur together. After the third sentence, you lean back and close your eyes in an attempt to regain your focus. 

“Hey.” You feel his hand on your shoulder. “(Y/N), are you sure you’re okay?” 

“Uh, yeah, I’m fine.” You reopen your eyes, to see concern in Seungkwan’s eyes. He doesn’t even have to ask for you to answer. “I just haven’t been getting much sleep lately and there’s only so many sleeping pills a person can take.” 

“Is it stress?” 

“Not… not exactly.” 

He raises an eyebrow, leaning his chin on his hand. “Do tell, (Y/N). If not stress, is it a lover?” 

You give him an unamused look at his teasing. “Ha ha. No.” You shift in your seat. “I’ve been having nightmares about this guy in my class.” 

“Ooooh?” 

“Stop it.” 

He pouts. “Can you at least tell me who? I might know who it is.”

You rub the back of your neck, feeling a bit apprehensive. The problem is that he does know everyone. Apparently, everyone else seems to know Wonwoo, one way or another. He does have that reputation of looking like a moody emo bad boy. The fact that he’s good looking means he gets away with being creepy. But then again, he is polite to everyone—a very well mannered boy. You sigh, feeling the exhaustion hit all at once.

“I have a suspicion that you know who it is,” you say. You let out another sigh. “It’s Wonwoo.” 

His eyes sparkle with interest. “Jeon? Jeon Wonwoo??” 

You let out another sigh and place your head in your arms, muffling the groans you make. “Jesus, of course you know him.” 

He makes a face. “Why?” Before you can answer him, he leans closer to you. “What’d he do?” 

You can feel yourself inwardly cringing before the words even come out. You feel embarrassed about making a big deal about this small thing. “He’s done nothing to me. He’s just scary.” 

“Wonwoo is one of the least scary people I know.” He moves away, looking off into the distance as if to collect his thoughts. “Minghao… He’s on that list, but Wonwoo? He’s like a scared cat…” At this point, he’s just mumbling to himself. 

You look up, resting your head on your folded arms. “Earth to Seungkwan?” 

“Right, back to you.” He pauses. “So these nightmares, are they that bad that you’re losing this much sleep?” 

You nod. 

“Wow, is he that scary to you?” 

“Well, considering in the dream that he’s trying to murder me… I would say he’s pretty scary.” 

“Okay, but what’d you think about him before?” 

“Before what?” 

“Like, before you started dreaming about his face and death.” 

You blink, staring at him for a bit, lost in thought. You haven’t really thought about Wonwoo without the devil horns, but then again, you don’t really talk to him. It’s a required class, so there’s a lot of people in this lecture hall. Also, it’s a lecture hall, it’s not like people have a chance to interact with one another. The only reason why you’ve heard of him is because of your mutual friends. You admit though, he is attractive. 

But you couldn’t let Seungkwan know that. He would never let it go and he’s friends with Wonwoo. Who knows what he’d do with this information. 

“I was neutral about him,” you say. “Since I don’t really know much about him.” 

He raises an eyebrow. “You don’t even find him attractive?” 

You grumble as you begin to sit up. “Can we not talk about this and go back to suffering?” 

“Ugh.” He throws his head back in a dramatic fashion. “I wanted the tea though.” 

“This ain’t a tea shop honey, so I’m not giving you any.” You put your attention back to his laptop. “Let me just go over this draft and you can trash mine.” 

You push your laptop towards him with the draft of your paper open. 

He clicks his tongue in disappointment. “Fine, but I want details later.” 

“Boba break?” 

“Boba break.” 

Your professor sets down her books on the podium. “Alright class, please pull out your drafts. Your classroom partners are already assigned on the classroom page. If you can’t find it, it’s also on the projector.” 

Your eyes don’t move away from your computer screen. The list of peer review partners has been pulled up and you scroll through it to find yours. You can only stare once you spot it. 

(Y/N) and Wonwoo

This can’t be right. 

You look from your screen to the projector. Your names are clear on the screen. 

(Y/N) and Wonwoo

Someone clears their throat, snapping you out of your inner panic. “You’re (Y/N), right?” 

To your right, Wonwoo stands with his messenger bag, a couple of textbooks in his hands, and a polite smile on his face. You can only nod, feeling the chills run up your back. He takes the empty spot next to you and sets down his things. Having him sit so close to you… it’s even scarier than you even imagined. 

He glances at you with a small smile. Ugh, he is handsome. You’ll give him that.

As he turns his head, you get a closer look at his profile. In an instant, you see the devil-horned image of him flash. You shudder, turning away and wordlessly setting your laptop closer to him. 

You manage to speak up, but it gets quieter as you talk. “Here’s my draft. You should be able to make comments… suggestions or something…” 

He gives another smile (although you don’t see it) and hands you his laptop. “I have my draft on here too. I’m sorry, but it’s still a bit messy.”

His voice is so soft, despite his cold features. You take another glance at him to take his laptop. Your hands brush against his and you try to ignore the goosebumps that raise on your arms—whether it’s from fear, you can’t tell. 

For a while, it’s quiet. Everyone is working on peer-editing their partner’s drafts, including you and Wonwoo. You both read through one another’s drafts. Ugh, he’s such a good writer. This was supposed to be a rough draft, but he makes it look like the final draft. This thesis makes sense; the support from the text is present; the counter-argument is made and redirected back to the thesis. Meanwhile, your draft probably looks even more half-assed than you originally intended for it to be. 

You go through the document again to try to give some feedback on his draft, despite how hard it is to make something up. By the end, you only manage to give him three comments. Turns out, you had finished earlier than you’d thought. You look around, seeing everyone still working and interacting with their partners, before looking over at him.

He stares intensely at your screen, still scrolling through the hot mess you call a rough draft. Every couple of seconds, he types a comment and you feel yourself flinch at how hard he presses on the keyboard. You knew it wasn’t the best, but there’s no way for it to be the most awful thing you’ve written. You hadn’t even realized you’ve been staring until he turns his body towards you. 

You lightly flinch at the sudden eye contact and, unconsciously, inch away from him. If he notices, he doesn’t say anything about it. Instead, he sets your laptop next to you. 

“I wrote a couple of recommendations as to how you could expand on your argument further. I think you have a solid thesis and the evidence you provide from the texts are very strong. I didn’t know what else I could add, so I did the best I could to add some comments to help. You don’t have to use them, but they were just some ideas I thought you could use.” 

He gives you another smile and you couldn’t help to feel a bit touched. Typically, people half ass these types of assignments. To see that he actually put effort into it and even added in ideas you can use... 

You push his laptop further away from you and he immediately scrolls through it, before you can get a word in. That’s probably why the word vomit began and you haphazardly try to explain things, without even looking at him in the eye. 

“I couldn’t really add in as much as you did. I thought it was really well thought out and made some really good points. I just made a couple of comments on word choice, grammar, and how it all connects. You’re a really good writer so you don’t have to really pay attention to these things. They really don’t make a big difference or anything. I’m sorry I couldn’t give you anything particularly helpful…” 

You trail off from your nervous rambling, glancing up at him to take in his reaction. He looks rather sheepish; his hand rubs the back of his neck and light blush dusts his cheeks. 

“It’s really nothing… I’m not that good…” 

This vision of Wonwoo is definitely a 180 from your nightmares. The stoic and heartless image of Wonwoo with devil horns flashes once again. But then, you take another look at him. All you see a shy boy, flushed from a couple of compliments from a classmate he doesn’t even talk to—well, at least, until now. 

You both sit there for a bit in silence, fiddling with your laptops in an attempt to work on your drafted papers. From what you can read, he put a lot of thought into his recommendations. After about five minutes, as the conversation around you begins to stir up again, he turns his body to you. 

“Are the comments okay?” He pauses. “Were they able to help you?” 

You hum and give a small nod. “I think with your suggestions this paper will be a bit easier to write.. I’m sorry for not being able to help you much with yours.” 

He speaks in a small voice that you almost don’t hear. “You did help though…” 

You give him a sheepish smile. “Not really. I gained more from this than you were able to… it’s unfair, sorry...”

“You shouldn’t apologize. You didn’t do anything wrong, you tried your best.” 

You let out a light laugh. “Did I though? I’m sure you’ve gotten more helpful feedback from other people.” 

“Well, most people here don’t really care about this since this doesn’t ‘count for points.’” 

“You’ve got a point.” 

“Alright,” your professor says. “Considering how much you’re all talking, I’m assuming you’re done exchanging your drafts. If you’re done, you can leave. Consider it a reward for finishing early.” 

You start to pack your things, as does Wonwoo. The both of you remain silent for a while, but, as you get up to leave, he speaks up with a soft voice. 

“Did you want to work together on this paper later sometime?” 

Before you can answer, he continues. “I just meant, like… I know you and Seungkwan work together and I was wondering if I could join you two or something. You don’t have to! I was just curious since Seungkwan and I work on it together too and I just thought it would be good if we all meet up.. together or something…” 

“Oh…” Frankly, you didn’t even know they were working on the essay together too. No wonder Seungkwan’s draft was so good—that son of a bitch. On one hand, you already know Seungkwan is most likely to agree. On the other hand, you are still unsure you’re mentally prepared to willingly spend more time with him. 

He’s nice, but you’re apprehensive as to how your brain is going to interrupt this. Who knows what your unconscious can unload? What if he transforms into a demon in your next dream? What if he turns into one of those gross monster-sized spiders and eats you whole? 

Another chill runs down your spine, but you fake an unbothered smile. “I’ll talk to Seungkwan.” 

He smiles back; it’s small, but genuine. 

You sit at the library, tapping your fingers on the table as you wait anxiously for the boys’ arrival. You flip your phone over again, to check the time and any new text notifications from Seungkwan. You were starting to regret all your life’s decisions. Okay, maybe that’s too dramatic—even for you. But, you are regretting your decision of joining Seungkwan and Wonwoo’s study session. 

To be honest, when you said you would talk to Seungkwan, that was 100% a lie. So, when you get a text from Seungkwan… you are more than shocked to find that he has oh-so graciously arranged the study session for you. That also meant getting a couple of pokes from him. 

Speak of the devil and he shall appear. As if he knew someone was talking shit, he enters the library and easily spots you in your usual corner. He drops his backpack onto the table and sits himself across from you, pulling out his laptop and textbooks. 

“Sorry,” he says. “I had a couple of questions for my professor and…. I forgot how much that man likes to talk.” 

“Hm, sounds like someone I know.” 

“Ha ha, very funny (Y/N).” He opens his laptop and starts to skim through his books, but, eventually, he gets bored and looks back at you.

You feel his eyes on you and look up from your own laptop. “What?” 

“From our last conversation, you said you were scared of Wonwoo.” Save it for Seungkwan to be blunt rather than beating around the bush. 

“I didn’t say that—” 

“It was implied.” 

Your lips purse, finding yourself at a loss of words. “What about it?” you mumble, shrinking into your seat. 

“Soooo,” Seungkwan says. “Why did you agree to the study group?” 

You frown, squinting at him. “I’m sorry, but who decided to put us all into a group chat???” Your frown becomes a pout. “You can’t just put me in a group chat, ask about a meeting time, and think I’m going to be the asshole who says ‘oh no, I can’t make it.’ Then have you point out that I’m not doing anything.” 

He shines a bright smile at you, ignoring your negative tone. “You wouldn’t have joined so otherwise.” 

“Ha! So it was a ruse!” 

“Of course it was.” He leans back to his seat. “You were so scared of him—look at you now, you’re making plans with him.” 

“You made the plans.” 

He waves a finger at you, “Semantics.” 

You can only roll your eyes at him and type away, trying to sort out and prioritize on your latest assignments. “Why do you care so much about what I think about him?” 

He blinks and you swear, for a second, he seems to have run out of words. You raise an eyebrow at his silence. 

“Well... “ He stammers. “I—I just... just want all of my friends… to—to get along and be… friends.” 

Your eyebrows furrow and you hum along, but you don’t believe a single thing he says. “It’s all the subconscious. I never had a problem with him in the first place.” 

“Problem with who?” 

You both turn around to see Wonwoo and another boy standing next to you two. From the unfamiliar voice, you can assume it was said by Mingyu—the other participating victim in the groupchat Seungkwan made. 

“No one,” Seungkwan says. “Problem with no one—right, (Y/N)?” 

You can only stare wide-eyed as you glance between them. “Yes, what he said.” 

Mingyu laughs. “Uhm, okay.” 

They both seat themselves at the table with you and Seungkwan—Wonwoo on one side and Mingyu on the other. They both give you a friendly smile and start to pull out their materials. You can only smile back awkwardly, typing away at your laptop. 

“No offense,” Mingyu says. “I’m glad to be here, but I’m confused why I’m here.” 

“It’s a study group and you’re our friend,” Seungkwan says. 

“We’re not in the same class.” 

“Moral support.” 

“For what?” 

He glances at you, which makes you narrow your eyes at him. He turns his attention back to Mingyu. “For things.” 

Mingyu raises his eyebrows, but he doesn’t say anything. 

“So,” Wonwoo says. “Shall we get started?” 

“What should we start on?” you ask. 

“I was thinking maybe the essay since that’s due the soonest,” Seungkwan says. 

You all nod along, even Mingyu. 

“So, I’m not involved either way,” Mingyu says. “This is fine, I totally don’t feel left out.” 

Seungkwan shrugs. “You can do other assignments too.” 

Mingyu pouts and his silent sulking is ignored. 

You and Wonwoo chuckle at their antics. “Sorry buddy,” he says. “This plan wasn’t scheduled well.” 

“Hey!” 

Wonwoo ignores Seungkwan and turns to you. “Were you able to work on the essay?” 

You shift in your seat, feeling awkward from suddenly being in his direct line of vision. “Yeah, I did—it’s coming along. Thanks again, by the way.” 

“It’s not a problem. I’m glad I could help,” he says. “Did you want me to look at it?” 

Your eyes widen, meeting Seungkwan’s, who makes a face. To be honest, you haven’t worked on it since you opened it during class and you’re too embarrassed to say you’ve been procrastinating. It’s due in two days and who says you can’t write an essay in one night (who isn’t a professor). 

“Are you having trouble concentrating again?” Seungkwan asks. Before you can answer, he interjects himself. “Is this because you’re still having sleeping problems? Dude, just keep popping those pills.” 

The other two’s attention have been turned to you. You inwardly groan from the eyes and try to focus on Seungkwan—but your body responds for you with a grimace. “Can you not say it like that? It’s melatonin and they’re technically vitamins.” 

“Hmmm, sure.” 

“You have sleeping problems?” Mingyu asks. 

You sheepishly rub the back of your neck. “Yeah, it’s not that big of a deal though.” 

Seungkwan snorts. “Sure it isn’t. It’s not like you were nearly falling asleep when editing my essay just a couple of days ago.” 

You smile. “I bought you boba though.” 

“But can I really be bribed?” 

“Of course not,” you say. “Because no one can afford your high maintenance.” 

Seungkwan’s jaw drops from your bluntness, but there’s a small smile in it. Mingyu doubles over in laughter and Wonwoo tries to hold his in—the smile on his face gives it away, causing you to laugh as well. 

Seungkwan quickly straightens up in defense. “This is what I get for trying to be nice.” 

You give him another teasing smile. 

“Okay, okay,” Mingyu says. “How bad is this sleeping problem?” 

“It’s..” You click your tongue, recalling as to how bad your sleep schedule has been since these nightmares began. “It’s really bad, dude.” 

“You know,” he says, turning his body towards you. “There are foods good for sleep.” 

“Really?” 

“Yeah, one time I made this banana almond parfait.” 

“Oooh, sounds fancy—”

“Sorry to interrupt,” Seungkwan says. “But I doubt that’s going to help (Y/N)’s situation.” 

“Why not?” Wonwoo asks. 

You’d almost forgotten he was there for a second. 

“It’s a subconscious thing.” 

Wait a second. 

“So it’s psychological problems?” Mingyu asks. He props his chin into his hands. “Do tell.” 

You stifle a laugh. 

Wonwoo is the one who speaks for you. “Mingyu, you just met her and you already want to open up her psyche?” 

“What’s a better way to get to know someone?” 

“Anything else, bro.” 

Mingyu’s lips purse, then form into a pout. “Booooooooo.” 

“Okay,” you say. “Let’s just move on. We actually have to work on this essay.” 

“Boooooo!” 

“Shut up, Seungkwan.” 

“I don’t care what anyone else says,” Chaeyoung says. “Lizard people are real.”

Yongsun nods along, digging her spoon further into her ice cream. “I’d buy into it. Matthew McConaughey has a lizard smile.” 

You can only sigh in disappointment and put your head in your hands. “Why am I friends with you people?” 

Your comment is ignored and Chaeyoung continues to talk. “Controversial statement: Shawn Mendez? Lizard person.” 

“Oh my God, he kind of does.” Yongsun shows her screen to the both of you. “He has the same lizard smile as Matthew.” 

As the two continue to converse other celebrities with lizard qualities, you sit at the other side of the booth, playing with your food. Dining hall food isn’t great, but it is free. What’s the point of these dinners, if you’re just going to want to throw it back up from these types of conversations? 

A couple of weeks ago, y’all had a whole conversation as to how Ted Bundy got away from his crimes for such a long time (to be honest, he wasn’t even really attractive so….). Then, last week, y’all talked about white boy names—the looks you got from people with those names were absolutely hilarious. Side note: you don’t give a solid shit to anyone named Todd (what Todd have you met that WASN’T an asshole?). 

By now, you’ve just learned to sit back and let these topics just… happen. At some point, these conversations are going to bite you in the ass. 

“(Y/N)?” 

You look up from your plate. 

“I thought that was you,” Mingyu says with a smile. 

You return it with one of yours. “Hey, Mingyu, right?” 

“Yeah! I’m Seungkwan’s friend—although, I’m more known for being Wonwoo’s.” He pauses, before mumbling to himself. “And Jungkook’s…” 

“Wonwoo?” Chaeyoung asks. 

“Jeon Wonwoo?” Yongsun adds. 

“Yeah,” Mingyu says. “You know him?” 

“We’ve heard of him,” Yongsun says, nudging your rib. You smack her elbow away. 

Chaeyoung scoots herself over. “If you want, you can sit with us.” 

“Sure,” he says. “I have class in an hour, so I have time.” He sits himself next to her and looks between you and the other girls. “So, what are we talking about?” 

Yongsun swallows her ice cream, pointing her spoon at him. “Lizard people.” 

You push her spoon out of the way. “Can we please move away from this subject?” 

“They! Are! Here!” Chaeyoung bangs her fists on the table, along each syllable. 

You put your head back into your hands. “Oh my God. You need to stay off the internet.” 

“Lizard people…” Mingyu says slowly. “What is this exactly?” 

You look up, eyes wide and warning. “You do not want to ask her that.” 

“So, there are theories that some people roam around Earth—” 

“And, so it begins.” 

Chaeyoung ignores you. “—as lizards. They are living amongst us and planning to overthrow the human race.” 

“We’ve possibly identified a couple of them,” Yongsun says. “Hear us out. Matthew McConaughey and Shawn Mendez. Thoughts?” 

“You do not have to answer them, by the way,” you say to him. 

As if Mingyu was possessed by someone else, he nods along as he listens. “I could definitely see that. They have weird face structures.” 

Your jaw drops from his participation in your weird dinner discussions. Your respect for him as a person has dropped. “Dude, don’t encourage them!” 

Chaeyoung points at him, as if he isn’t present. “I like him better than that Wonwoo guy.” 

“Ditto,” Yongsun says. 

“I thought you guys didn’t know him?” Mingyu asks. His head tilts to the side—for a second, he looks like a puppy. 

“We don’t,” Yongsun says. She slurps up the remaining ice cream melting from her bowl. “(Y/N) mentioned him and we looked him up—he’s just as hot as (Y/N) said.” 

Your cheeks flush and you flick some of your water in her direction. “That’s not what I said!” 

Her lips purse in response and she continues to slurp from her bowl. Meanwhile, Chaeyoung gives you a look, which you refuse to acknowledge. 

On the other hand, Mingyu’s attention has been turned to you in interest. His eyebrow raises and you start to squirm. 

“So,” he says with a twirl of his fork. “What have you said about Wonwoo?” 

You’d honestly thought this conversation was behind you, especially since you had dodged away from the topic during your study group a couple of days ago. The difference between Seungkwan and these two is that these two have very little regard for your opinion. While they are your friends, they are also very invasive and you are very sure that they will ignore your protests. It’s almost as if they had heard your thoughts—they answer the question for you. 

“She said he’s attractive,” Chaeyoung says. 

“Technically,” Yongsun says. “She said he wasn’t ugly and I think she also said he murders her.” 

Mingyu turns to you with surprise. 

Just when you thought you had died before, you were sure that you have died now and were stuck in your customized purgatory hell. 

“That,” you say into your hands. “Was not what I said.” 

Yongsun squints at you. “Are you sure? Because I distinctly remember you defining your death kink with those weird dreams.” 

You stare at her for a while before deciding on what to say. “Are you on crack? I was sure that your crackhead energy was drained last week during your history exam.” 

“How dare you? I am completely sober.” 

“Debatable.” 

You both turn back to the other two at the table, where Chaeyoung continues to eat and Mingyu stares off with confusion evident in his features. 

“I’m sorry,” he says. “But what’s the piece I’m missing?” 

“I’ll give you a short version,” Chaeyoung says. “You see, (Y/N) has been dreaming about Wonwoo murdering her and we think it’s a loo—hey!” She grabs a napkin to wipe her, now, wet hair. 

You give her a bright, fake smile as she playfully glares at you and the glass of water you’ve flicked on her. Yongsun chuckles at your antics and turns to Mingyu. “Either way, it’s 100% repression.” 

“Repression of what exactly?” you ask. 

“Attraction,” Yongsun points out. 

You flick some more water at her, ignoring her yelps. You turn your attention to Mingyu. “Ignore them and everything they’ve said because it isn’t true.” 

“Lies!” Chaeyoung says. “Yongsun’s right. It’s probably repression because Wonwoo is definitely hot—stop throwing water at me!” 

You ignore her once again, flicking more water from your glass. “I did not say he was hot. I just admitted that he wasn’t ugly!” 

As you continue to attack your friends with your water, Mingyu stays silent, but makes note from the conversation. Oh, how things will become more interesting….

You continue to type on your laptop, wrapping the conclusion paragraph with one last sentence. You let out a sigh of relief. “Thank God,” you mutter under your breath. This god forbidden essay is done and you can easily turn it in. You look up from your screen, where Wonwoo continues to type on his. 

His glasses sit on the edge of his nose and his eyes are narrowed, as if to physically focus on the words. You have to admit: the glasses suit him and his oversized sweater. While he has worn them every once in a while, this is one of the rare times you’ve seen him this close up. He looks like a soft boy molded from a John Green book. 

You look a glance around and, seeing how he’s gathered the attention of a few people, you can tell you aren’t the only one who’s noticed. To be fair, if it wasn’t for your nightmares, you would be a lot more attracted to him. 

Admittedly, it has been nice to spend this time with him—you managed to reduce some of those nightmares and get a bit more sleep. You might even admit that he’s a friend more than just a classmate now. 

Speaking of friends, Seungkwan and Mingyu are pretty late. It’s been 20 minutes of just you and Wonwoo. You don’t mind, but you all made a plan to meet here (since the essay is due tonight). 

“Are you done with your essay already?” 

Wonwoo’s voice snaps you out of your inner ramblings. You look towards his direction, freezing from the sudden eye contact. “Huh?” 

He clears his throat. “Are you... done? With the essay?” 

“Ah, kind of. It’s probably bad, but it’s done.” 

“I’m sure it’s fine. Let me see.” He gestures to your laptop. 

“Compared to your English major ass?” You pull the laptop closer to you. “No.” 

“(Y/N),” he says with a sigh. “I’m sure it’s not even bad.” He gets ahold of the top of your laptop, lightly tugging it away from your grasp. You can only pout as the device is taken away from your hold and he begins to read. You place your chin into your hands, watching Wonwoo’s eyes dance from sentence to sentence. 

You didn’t realize how long you’d been staring until he makes eye contact with you and sets your laptop back near you. If he noticed, he doesn’t say anything about it. 

Wonwoo adjusts his glasses, pushing them closer to the bridge of his nose. When his face comes to view, there’s a small smile. “I told you your essay was fine. In fact, you could probably turn it in right now.” 

Your lips purse, considering the idea, even though you were already planning to. Originally, you wanted Seungkwan to check it too—especially since he saw the real rough draft of it, which was a blank document. 

“I kind of wanted to wait for Seungkwan,” you say. “Since we all agreed to do it together.” 

He nods along with your words. “It makes sense.” He looks at you with a head tilt, thinking aloud. “Where is Seungkwan?”

“I was just thinking the same thing,” you say with a small laugh. “Is Mingyu coming?” 

He checks his phone, wrinkling his nose as he squints at the screen and scrolls through his messages. “Honestly, I have no idea—last time I checked, he was supposed to.” 

“Yeah, I ran into him yesterday and I assumed he was coming too.” 

“Oh yeah,” Wonwoo says. “How was the lunch?” 

“It was actually pretty funny beca—” You stop. You didn’t mention anything about lunch… so, how did he know about that? Your eyes narrow at him. “Did Mingyu tell you already?” 

“Uh.” Wonwoo’s eyes shift. “Kind of?” He hunches a bit more over his own laptop, rubbing the back of his neck sheepishly. “Mingyu basically tells me everything.” 

Mingyu basically tells me everything. 

Oh, no. 

You try to recall exactly as to the different topics during that one hour lunch with him. He was almost late to his class, since he was in a heavy debate with Yongsun and Chaeyoung as to whether or not Perry the Platypus cosplayers are considered furries… 

It was a conversation that you had to be there for, in order for the context to be understood. 

There was also the topic of whether Twilight should be watched for ironic purposes and/or the cinematic value of it. There was also discussion about what was the weakest element—which Yongsun was debating on the side of water. 

You were getting off track; curse your friends for having such bizarre conversations. That line shouldn’t have triggered you, but for some reason, it feels off—as if there was something you were forgetting. You look at Wonwoo, who’s sitting across from you with flushed cheeks.

Wait a second. 

She said he’s attractive. 

Death kink with those weird dreams. 

(Y/N) has been dreaming about Wonwoo murdering her. 

Just when you thought things were just starting to become normal-ish between you two. 

Your face flushes as you remember all the things your friends said… which were most likely echoed to Wonwoo through Mingyu (seeing how much blush is present on his face). 

There’s only one thing you can say. “I can explain.” 

He lets out a little, breathless laugh—but it sounds more like an uncomfortable one. 

“It’s not as bad as it sounds, I swear.” 

He pushes his glasses up once more. “You—you don’t have to.” 

“It’s okay,” you say. “I should explain myself. It’s not supposed to sound as bad as they made it out to be and it’s not even your fault. I don’t even know why my subconscious chose your face out of anyone else’s. Yongsun said it’s repression, but you probably already know that and—” You sigh. “I’m—I’m sorry.” 

“For what? It’s not really your fault.” 

“Yeah, but I guess, it’s just in general.” Your fingers glaze over the keyboard, absentmindedly toying with the keys. “Over break, I watched a horror movie with my friends and then I started getting nightmares. Again, I don’t know why your face was there, but… it just was.” 

“I’m not mad,” Wonwoo says. “And it’s not your fault—you don’t have to apologize.” 

There’s a small silence, which is just you and Wonwoo looking at one another with wide eyes, unsure as to what happens next. 

“I will say,” Wonwoo says with a small voice. “I’m a bit flattered.” 

“That I dream of you murdering me?” 

“No.” He lets out a small laugh. “That your subconscious ‘chose my face.’” 

You chuckle rather sheepishly when he took the words from your previous rambling. “Yeah… Seungkwan suggested that it was just a face that was most memorable.” You let out a long sigh. “And Yongsun likes to psychoanalyze into things.” 

“So, do you… think my face… is attractive?” 

You look up at him from your keyboard, only to see him dodging your eyes. His Adam's apple moves as he swallows. On the table, you can see that his hands are curled underneath the sweater paws, moving as he fiddles with his fingers. You can feel yourself shrinking into your seat, shyness overpowering you. 

“Well….” you say. “You are… attractive…” You say the last part quieter than you intended, but Wonwoo’s eyes meet yours once the words are said. 

His face turns a shade darker and he smiles a bit wider than before. “Even.. Even if I was part of a nightmare?” 

You nod, but look off to the side to shake off the embarrassment. 

“I think you’re attractive too.” 

Your head turns to him, but his concentration is back to his laptop. While he can act like he didn’t say anything all he wants, the redness of his ears give his emotions away. You press your lips to repress your smile. 

A bag being thrown into the table interrupts your moment. 

“Sorry, sorry,” Seungkwan says, clearly out of breath. “This ladder here wanted to stop by Starbucks and there was a line.” 

“How was I supposed to know?” Mingyu yells. 

“It’s Starbucks! You should have known!” 

“You couldn’t have sent a text?” you ask. 

“My phone died,” he says with a pout. “Speaking of which, do you have a charger??” 

You can only sigh in disappointment, but rummage through your bag nevertheless. “You’re lucky I brought this one.” 

“You’re a lifesaver.” 

“I know, I know. Now sit down and shut up, people are looking.” 

When you open your eyes, you’re running—from what, you are unsure of. This tunnel is nearly pitch black dark. A part of you is calm, but the other is panicking. Probably due to previous experiences you’ve had in this subconscious. You continue to run, refusing to look back at whatever remains behind you, but you can hear its footsteps echoing. 

Your shoes are soaked and continue to splash against the muddy waters, as you continue to run. It stays dark for so long, but then it gets lighter, as if the sun poured itself into the tunnel. The footsteps stop. Whatever’s behind you diminishes. 

But you can’t stop running towards the light, which burns closer and closer. The light embraces you, shining brightly and bouncing along your surroundings. You try to shield your eyes from the sun, only to be greeted by shimmers. Your vision starts to clear, enough for you to identify your surroundings. 

You’re at the park. But what for? 

You stand in the grass, surrounded by trees and rose bushes. The flowers are just in bloom, blossoming towards you, as if you were the sun itself. The skies are clear of clouds and the sun shines down, but it isn’t beating. Butterflies flutter and graze above the ground, but they don’t get close enough to you. The birds are chirping lightly, sounding like a song’s melody. The air is fresh and the aura is soothing. 

As you walk through, you start to soak in the aroma. To the side, you notice a small hill with, no doubt, the best view. A picnic blanket is laid out, along with plates and other objects. 

Someone else is also there. 

It’s a familiar figure, but you can’t make out who it is from the distance. 

You call out. “Hello?” 

The figure turns and there Wonwoo sits.  He has his glasses intact, but, instead of the casual wear, he’s a bit more dressed up—his white button-up showcases his nicely built chest and his slacks reveals how long his legs are. 

He smiles at you, white pearls sparkling and eyes shining—you feel as if it’s almost like the buds have bloomed as well. For a moment, you think you’re stuck in a picture. 

And then the wind blows, brushing his hair against his forehead. 

“Are you coming, (Y/N)?” 

---

Your eyes shoot open. The warmness in your chest is gone and is replaced by the coldness of your sheets. You shift under the covers and attempt to sit up. 

The grogginess stays, but one thing remains in your mind—what was that and why did the dream change? 

It’s 11:15am once again and you sit at your unofficial reserved spot. Your head lies on the desk, awaiting for the other students and your professor to arrive at the lecture hall. Tiredness continues to overpower you as your eyes consistently flutter to shut and reopen. 

A knock on the table interrupts your attempted naptime. You look up to see Wonwoo’s face above yours. He gives you a small smile as he sets his bag on the seat next to yours. From his presence, you sit yourself up and rub your eyes, in an attempt to wake yourself. 

“Are you tired?” he asks. 

You can feel yourself internally curling from his close proximity. “Yeah, I didn’t get much sleep last night.”

He lets out a small, airy laugh. With a shake of his head, he jokes. “Still getting nightmares about me murdering you?” 

A blush creeps up to your face. “Ha… Not really,” you say. It’s not like it’s a lie, but it’s not exactly the truth. You unconsciously move yourself a bit further from him as you recall the image of him surrounded by roses. “It’s probably just insomnia—bad sleeping habits most likely piled up.” 

He nods, humming along as you speak. He rummages through his bag, pulling out his laptop and notebook. His side profile is illuminated through the sunshine that’s reflected on the window. He looks like he’s sparkling… 

You quickly turn away as soon as he moves his head towards your direction. God, you were starting to stare a lot more than usual. You shake your head as you try to refocus on what you were doing. 

What were you doing? 

Closing your eyes, you try to regain your train of thought—only for you to lose it immediately after. You eventually decide to pull out your laptop and open up your lecture notes. On another tab, you see the essay that you’ve already turned in. 

“Oh,” you say. You turn back to Wonwoo, “I almost forgot, did your essay turn out okay?” 

“Yeah, it took a little bit of editing but I turned it in on time.” 

“I’m sure it turned out great,” you say. “You’re definitely getting an A.” He gives you another shy smile and his cheeks start to blush. You shift into your seat, trying to find a comfortable position. “You’re really smart anyways,” you mumble. 

“What?” 

“Nothing,” you say. “Nothing at all.” 

“Well, I’m sure you’re getting an A too,” he says. “It was really well put together. At least, from what I remember.” 

“Ehh.” You shrug your shoulders. “We’ll see.” 

“Give yourself more credit, (Y/N),” he says in a softer tone. “You’re really smart and it’s okay for you to brag.” He turns his attention back to his laptop. His red ears have made a return. 

On the other hand, you position yourself in your seat to straighten up and hide your smile. You take the opportunity to glance around, noticing the other students who’ve entered the lecture hall. Others are starting to enter as well. 

You check the time on your laptop and it looks like it’s time for class to begin. Your professor arrives as well and sets up her materials. 

“Open up your textbooks and turn to page 304. We’ll start with the four categories of ethical theories.” 

Without turning from your laptop screen, your hand hovers over the textbook in your bag, but Wonwoo’s whisper interrupts your movement. 

“Did you forget your book? I’ll share mine with you.” 

You should probably say no, but your hand speaks for you, moving away from the bag. “Yeah, sure. Thanks.” 

He gives another smile, leaning closer as he scoots the book towards you. Your professor continues to lecture, going over the slide’s content, but you can’t concentrate—not when Wonwoo’s this close. He smells like fresh laundry, the kind that you want to wrap yourself in before the warmth is gone. When you look at him, the sparkles return, along with the image of him from your dreams. 

“Hold up,” Seungkwan says. “Yongsun thought that water is the weakest element? It’s clearly fire.” 

“That’s what I said!” Mingyu yells. He sighs in disappointment from the recollection of the conversation and moves his strawberry milkshake to the side. “Fire is just a stupid element that can be destroyed by water AND all living things need water in order to survive. There are so many benefits to water and—” He stops himself with another sigh and takes a long sip of his milkshake. 

Next to him, you shake your head with a small laugh. Taking a fry from your plate for a bite, you can only observe and let the conversation take its course. While your focus remains on the other two, your eyes glance over towards Wonwoo, who sits in front of you. 

“I think earth is debatable,” Wonwoo says. “But, I feel like fire is the weakest due to the fact that it’s more destructive rather than productive.” 

While the essay was already due, Seungkwan invited you to dinner at a nearby diner. You figured that it’d be nice to not eat dining hall food for once, so you agreed. But when you got there, you didn’t expect Mingyu and Wonwoo to already be there—hence your current position in front of Wonwoo, next to Mingyu, in a booth, while they’re arguing about the strongest element. 

You blame Yongsun and Chaeyoung for this chaos; if they hadn’t pulled him into this conversation, he wouldn’t have brought it up now—which also dragged Seungkwan and Wonwoo into the discourse. 

“That’s where you’re wrong,” you say. You continue to gnaw away at your fries, even when all three of their eyes land on you. Typically you’d refuse to engage in these conversations, but you refuse to let them walk around without an argument. 

Seungkwan clears his throat, as if he was asking you to elaborate. Meanwhile, Mingyu continues to sip on his shake and Wonwoo has an eyebrow raised. 

You let out a sigh from the eyes and toss the half-bitten french fry back to your plate before speaking. “You can argue that fire is the weakest, but we cook with fire and that’s what allowed our society to thrive because we started to have less time devoted to farming.” 

Seungkwan and Mingyu’s jaws slightly drop from your point, while Wonwoo smiles. 

“We can technically live without fire,” Seungkwan says. “We can go back to farming and let the animals thrive.” 

“First of all, cold temperatures are a thing and fire provides warmth. Secondly, did you not hear me? Cooking gave us more time to further develop society, so, without it, we would figuratively and literally be unable to live.” 

“She’s got a point,” Wonwoo says. 

“Thank you.” 

Seungkwan’s mouth moves, but no words find their way out. 

“Wow, I left Boo Seungkwan speechless,” you say, as you begin to finish off your fries. “You’re welcome.” 

Mingyu looks on impressively. “Niceeee.” 

“That’s a very hard feat,” Wonwoo says. “I’ll give you points for that.” 

Seungkwan has suddenly regained interest from Wonwoo’s words. He leans his chin on his hand, moving uncomfortably closer to Wonwoo, who attempts to swat him away. “When did you two get along so well?” 

“We have class together,” you say with narrowed eyes. 

“And I sit right next to her,” Wonwoo adds. 

Mingyu smiles slyly. “Since when did that happen?” 

You miss the way he looks over to Seungkwan. Wonwoo blinks at the question and you suddenly have developed more interest towards the salt on the fries. 

“I feel like we shouldn’t be here,” Seungkwan says. 

“You invited me,” you say. “But okay.” 

“I know that,” he says with a huff. “But it just feels like a moment we shouldn’t be in.” 

You roll your eyes in response, but the smile on your face shows no malice. Wonwoo remains quiet—scratching his neck, feeling the heat creep up to his face. 

“So, are you dating yet?” Mingyu asks as he glances between you two. 

“Oh my God,” Wonwoo mutters. He lays his face onto the table with a thud and you almost choke from Mingyu’s directiveness. 

Mingyu goes on, ignoring both of your reactions. “You both like each other right? Well, at least, I know Wonwoo does.” 

“DUDE!” 

“Oops.” Mingyu’s lips pull back. He turns to Seungkwan. “Should we leave now?” 

“Please don’t,” Wonwoo whispers. 

Your jaw drops as you watch Seungkwan nod, smiling at you like nothing’s happened. Seungkwan and Mingyu side out of their side of the booth, but. before they leave, Mingyu drops one hand on each of your shoulders. “Don’t worry about the check. Consider it a present from your cupids.” 

“You owe me one, (Y/N)!” Seungkwan shouts from the door. They both head towards the door, giving both of you little waves with their fingers. 

Both you and Wonwoo sit in silence, not knowing what to say to the other. But, in all fairness, Wonwoo owes you the explanation. 

You swallow, suddenly feeling your throat dry up. “If it makes you feel better…” 

He looks up at you from the table. 

“I like you too.” 

A smile grows on his face and he starts to sit up slowly. “Really?” 

“What can I say?” Your smile mirrors his. “My subconscious chose you before I could.” 

He lets out a chuckle, readjusting his glasses and fiddling with his fingers, before settling them on the diner table. They’re free from the usual sweater paws and tap against the bright countertop. 

“Just to be clear,” he says. “You aren’t scared of me?” 

“Well, I was before,” you pause. “But that was before we even really talked or hung out. And now….” 

“What about now?” 

You blush, remembering the roses, the sparkling, the picnic—it all sounds so… nice. You couldn’t think of the words and Wonwoo could sense that. 

“You don’t have to say anything if you don’t want to.” 

A sigh of relief escapes you. “Maybe next time then.”

His smile grows. “So, there’s a next time?” 

You nod, feeling the butterflies in your stomach and your heart pounds in your chest. His hand moves towards you, closer and with caution—so yours meets his halfway. When your fingers intertwine, he looks from your hands to you with sparkling eyes and you can feel the warmth return to your chest. 

This. 

This is what feels right. 

[dustedmagazine]

Ian Mathers’ 2020: We’re stuck inside our own machines

I’ve had a song I loved in high school and haven’t thought much about since stuck in my head. The song “Apparitions” by the Matthew Good Band is a fine example of the alt rock of the late 90s; if you grew up then but somewhere down in the states (or elsewhere) instead of my southern Ontario you may well have your regional equivalents, and like this one they may not resonate terribly strongly outside of their time and place. It popped back into my head after a long time recently and of course 2020 has changed it a little. A song that as a teen I felt keenly as about loneliness (albeit also about how technology can feed into that) of course now plays on my nerves as another small piece of art about the way that most of us (those scared and/or responsible anyway) have only that relatively narrow, technologically mediated connection to the people we love. All of us, artists and listeners alike, are trying to fit our feelings and art and selves down these little connections, with some success.

On a personal level, 2020 wound up being stressful in ways we couldn’t have predicted even after the pandemic hit. In circumstances that could have seen governments on this continent support those unable to work (and those who shouldn’t have to), support those workers who are truly essential, support workers and renters and even landlords and small businesses, instead we got a near-total abeyance of those governments using the resources we provide them with to save any of us. On a personal level my wife and I were lucky enough to be able to work from home (not that it didn’t come with its own forms of stress, and now that I’m off until January I have several work/stress-related illnesses to recover from) but still saw friends and loved ones lose good, used-to-be-sustainable livings overnight, saw family businesses succumb to a near-total absence of effective government support after months of trying to keep above water, etc.

It is probably no surprise that this is not a situation conducive to listening to music, let alone writing about it; I have deliberately and happily kept busy on behind the scenes stuff at Dusted that I could still manage but looking, at the end of the year, at the amount I managed to actually create is demoralizing if not at all shocking. I’m not sure I think next year will be ‘better’ in many important ways, although at our job there is a growing feeling among coworkers that next year has to have some work/life balance because 2020 was, maybe more than anything else, unsustainable.

That’s not to say I didn’t spend a lot of time and emotion on music this year, and if nothing else constant sleep deprivation, stress, and panic meant I was probably open to being deeply moved by all sorts of art even more than normally (it’s gotten to the point where I can’t even read a sad or moving twitter thread out loud to my wife without getting teary, which is kind of… nice?). Funnily enough the band that did the most to keep me sane didn’t really put out anything in 2020. Personal favorite, Low, instead started, in early April, getting on Instagram with something they called on whim “It’s Friday I’m in Low.” With one brief break they have now done by my count at least 35 shows (catalogued here, by the way), every Friday at about 4 my time.

Admittedly it’s easier for Low to pull this off than some bands, since the 2/3 of the trio that sing are a married couple (they’ve had a couple of socially-distanced backyard shows with bassist Steve Garrington, but he’s mostly been isolating elsewhere). These shows have seen the band’s Alan Sparhawk take a mid-set break to do follow-up phone interviews with the acts featured in the COVID-curtailed touring bands series Vansplainingthat they started on YouTube, or just to give a tour round their vegetable garden and talk tips. It’s seen Alan and Mimi Parker draw on their impressive, 25+ year body of work (averaging 4-5 songs a set, I don’t think they’ve repeated themselves yet) and talk a bit between songs about pandemics, politics, song choices, and whether Alan should grab his bike helmet this time.

They’re not the only musicians out there speaking love and sanity (and playing music) into the strange digital interzone filled with hate and disinformation where we’ve all been forced to gather while locked down, but they were and the most consistent and steady signal being emitted each week. No matter how tired I was from work or what new symptoms I’d developed or what horrific thing I read into the news, even if I had to take an emergency nap while it was actually airing, every Friday the show was there. Once things do return to something more like normal, it’s one of the few things I’ll unambiguously miss about this weird-ass year.

So if that makes an argument for Low as my band of the year (admittedly again… it’s not like Double Negative has aged poorly, either), that does a disservice to those 2020 records I did connect with; even if there are still literally dozens I have to go through, many of which I expect to love, my top picks this year (if as unrankable by me as always) hit me as hard as any top pick in recent years did. So here I present a quick and informal top 5, which the rest of my top 20 following in alphabetical order. Here’s hoping for more time and space in 2021 for music, and even more than that, for more support for those who need it from those who could have been providing it all this time. (The Matthew Good Band, incidentally, always did best with their ballads. “Strange Days” is another I’ve had in my head these days; the image of moving “backwards, into a wall of fire” has stuck with me since the 90s and it’s never felt more grimly appropriate.)

Greet Death — New Hell

New Hell by Greet Death

This one is, in some sense, cheating; it came out November 2019. But that just means it’s the latest winner of my personal Torres Prize for Ian Being Late to the Party (so named because becoming slightly obsessed with Torres’ Sprinter just after I sent in my 2015 list was the first time I noticed that one of my favorite records of each year tends to get picked up by me just after I call it quits on the year, no matter how long I try to wait). This very doom and gloom slowcore/metal/(whatever, just know it’s heavy) trio at first felt very much like my beloved Cloakroom (whose Time Well has also won a Torres Prize) but sure enough nuances revealed themselves. Back in February it felt almost a little too negative, but then the rest of 2020 happened. And the extended burns of “You’re Gonna Hate What You’ve Done” and the title track remain searing.

Holy Fuck — Deleter

Probably the record I’ve been trying to write about the longest in 2020, and the one I’m most disappointed in myself that I just couldn’t get the requisite paragraphs together. It’s a wonderful effort from the consistently great Toronto resolutely human-created (and —mediated) dance music quartet, one that both feels like a summation of everything they do well, and with the addition of some outside voices (including strong turns from the singers of both Hot Chip and Liars) a step forward at the same time.

Spanish Love Songs — Brave Faces Everyone

Brave Faces Everyone by Spanish Love Songs

As the year got worse, this roar of defiance only got more crucial for me to hear every so often; I was a big enough fan of it, even after writing it up for Dusted, that when they solicited fan footage for a subsequent music video you may just be able to get a glimpse of me in it. (I’m the one in a “No Tories” t-shirt.) My punk rock-loving twin brother was the one who introduced me to Spanish Love Songs and we were supposed to spend an evening in June screaming along to them live in a packed, sweaty room. I need that in my life again.

Julianna Barwick — Healing Is a Miracle

Healing Is A Miracle by Julianna Barwick

It’s a sign of what 2020 has been like here that even just this album title leaves bruises, and while I privately worried Barwick would have a hard time following up 2016’s sublime Will (probably my favorite record that year), it seems that continuing to take whatever downtime she needs to keep focusing and refining her particular muse has once again yielded amazing results. Anyone who thinks they know what a Barwick track sounds like should really check out, say, “Flowers”, but much of this record absolutely sounds like Barwick, just even better than before. She also boasted my wife and I's favorite streaming concert of 2020, an absolutely gorgeous rendition of this album with Mary Lattimore showing up.

Phoebe Bridgers — Punisher

Punisher by Phoebe Bridgers

I joked on Twitter recently that I have far too nice a dad (and far too good a relationship with him) to be as obsessed as I am with Phoebe Bridgers’ “Kyoto”, but here we are. Like most of her generation, Bridgers’ social media presence ranges from shit-posting to inscrutable, but even though things are often just as hard to figure out in her beautiful songs (as they often are in life), there’s an emotional clarity to them that can just grab you deep down. Couple that with seriously impressive songcraft and the progress from her already astounding debut Stranger in the Alps and more than anyone else in 2020 I’m excited to see just where the hell Phoebe Bridgers is going to go, because it feels like she’s talented and hardworking enough to go just about anywhere and drag a lot of our hearts with her.

Other Favorites

Aidan Baker & Gareth Davis — Invisible Cities II

Anastasia Minster — Father

Deftones — Ohms

Hum — Inlet

Kelly Lee Owens — Inner Song

Mesarthim — The Degenerate Era

Perfume Genius — Set My Heart On Fire Immediately

Protomartyr — Ultimate Success Today

Rachel Kiel — Dream Logic

The Ridiculous Trio — The Ridiculous Trio Plays the Stooges

Sam Amidon — Sam Amidon

Shabason, Krgovich & Harris — Philadelphia

Stars Like Fleas — DWARS Session: Live on Radio VPRO

Well Yells — We Mirror the Dead

Yves Tumour — Heaven to a Tortured Mind

Five Reissues/Compilations/etc.

Aix Em Klemm — Aix Em Klemm

Bardo Pond — Adrop/Circuit VIII

Charles Curtis — Performances & Recordings 1998-2018

Coil — Musick to Play in the Dark

Hot Chip — LateNightTales

Ian Mathers

[daylighteclipsed]

“This is another reason most of future lost rights” May we hear your thoughts?

Now that I have officially finished watching the original Steven Universe series, I have many Thoughts about the continuation. Prepare for some detailed salty takes.

-- My biggest gripe is that Garnet, Pearl, and Amethyst lose pretty much all of the emotional intelligence they gain in the original series to maximize Steven’s suffering.

So like the gifset that prompted this ask for example, where Garnet realizes she’s hurt Steven with her future vision and apologizes? Makes her reaction in Future to realizing she hurt Steven again OOC. The OG series also teaches us and Steven that Garnet can’t see definites, because there’s so many possibilities, and the future’s always changing, and the future can always be changed. So her line about how there was no universe where Steven didn’t propose to Connie as her reason for why she didn’t try to stop him, is bullshit.

The Volleyball episode gives away that Steven is clearly not OK, and Pearl does nothing about it. Neurotic, mother hen, let’s make a plan Pearl does not ask Steven if he’s alright and makes 0 plans to train him to control his new alarming powers. Pearl, who now has a better sense of how trauma works because she has it herself, who we have seen in the OG series suspect Steven is dealing with some post traumatic stress after being taken to Homeworld and reach out to him about it, does not in Future reach out to him after he expresses blatant distress over having to deal with more of his mom’s problems. I’m supposed to believe this? Seriously?

And Amethyst? I think she’s the most obvious offender since a big part of her arc in the end of the OG series is emotional maturity.There’s a whole episode dedicated to her putting Steven’s feelings first. Acknowledging the pressure he’s been under and the shit that’s been dumped on him for years and the horror of finding out Rose was a Diamond which makes him a Diamond and recognizing that he’s not OK. He can’t be. Learning that Steven deals by distracting himself with other tasks and people. But sure when Amethyst notices Steven throwing himself into his work in Future, her response is just “When did you become such a prick?” Yeah. Totally sounds right.

There is a whole arc about these two emotionally connecting through their insecurities and the strength they find in having each other to relate to and rely on and confide in. It is one of my favorites in the entire story. And it is totally thrown out a window in Future. If no one else you’d think at least Amethyst would reach out to Steven in Future before he spirals, but no.

Literally it’s like the entire Gem trio’s emotionally sent back to square 1 and their perception’s lowered to 0, which is lower than it was to begin with, because it was the only way Future could work. Seriously, after Prickly Pair nobody tries to talk to Steven? Nobody insists they need to talk about what the fuck just happened? Nobody goes after Steven when he runs away, twice?! Once after crashing the van with his dad inside, in which he disappears for 3 whole days. Another time after talking about how they can’t help him anymore, which is really alarming! Then they all just let Steven go when he returns from Homeworld glowing with Diamond pupils?! are you kidding me, are you fUcking KidDing me am I supposed to believe they’re even his friends in Future what the fuck I hate this 

-- And framing everything like the Gems have never been there for Steven? Hate that too. There’s countless episodes in the OG series proving that’s not true. Steven himself says it’s not. At one point that’s what keeps him from literally falling from the sky.

“I just need something that makes me happy, something I can always depend on to cheer me up. My guys. They spent all night out here just to keep me company. No matter how much I mess up they’ll be there to help me.”

It’s the biggest reason why the Gems are foils to the Diamonds!

“Remember back when I was little and maybe kind of annoying, and I couldn’t come along on adventures? You guys would still drop everything to hang out with me.”

Garnet, Pearl, and Amethyst begin kind of oblivious and inattentive, but they don’t stay that way. They are always learning, and apologizing, and changing when they realize their behavior is harmful. To themselves, to the team as a whole, to strangers, to Steven. They do very early in the series start setting work aside to spend time with him. Together breakfast (which ends up meaning so much to Garnet that it becomes her wedding cake), mini golf, cards, board games, movies, the arcade, the amusement park. They’re Steven’s band in beach-a-palooza. They become, not only better caretakers, but his friends.

A team. For the main Crystal Gem quartet so much of the show is about them learning to become a team by learning to understand each other and helping each other grow, leading to a stunning display of teamwork in the finale with Garnet, Pearl, Amethyst, and Steven all fusing together into one kickass warrior, Obsidian. It’s so perfect that this didn’t, couldn’t, happen until the end, after all that development. It’s so satisfying.

-- Like I mentioned before, there’s no reason why the Gems, including the others like Peridot, Lapis, and Bismuth, wouldn’t try to help Steven learn to control his new powers in Future.

-- A lot of the, uh, conflicts Steven faces in Future also feel ignorant to the OG series.

Steven in future: i just feel like i can’t make mistakes in front of you guys and cant be honest cause its mean and i have to be nice and perfect :(

Steven in og series: oh geez I really messed up sorry guys; [feels like the worst Crystal Gem cause he’s always fucking up]; (Garnet: You’re making Pearl very upset) “IM very upset!“; “What Rose wanted--ARGH! What about what I want?! I’m sick of you always lying to me!”; “Home’s been awful! Here’s been awful! Everyone’s been acting awful too!”

Steven in future: idk how to be a friend to someone who’s not a miserable sad sack with no direction in life

Connie: hey what the fuck

What was the point of all the townie episodes if we’re going to act like Steven never connected with the human part of his life why would the og show bounce between gem eps and human eps if not to show how Steven connects with both worlds ad’g;ajfgjfagjLAFKJS

Steven in future: why didn’t my meddling advice work? this has never happened before. am i losing my touch. who am i

Og Steven, multiple times: aaAAAAAH I SHOULD NOT HAVE MEDDLED AND PUSHED I MADE THINGS WORSE

- Why wasn’t Mindful Education revisited? Steven’s a fusion technically, right, so if he’s feeling, you know, deeply conflicted about his 2 halves, doesn’t that mean he’s out of harmony? There’s a way for 2 halves of a fusion to communicate through meditation and address what’s causing the imbalance, but I guess that would’ve solved Steven’s problem too easily. That’s the only reason Connie’s kept out of Future for so long too, right? Ugh. Never mind the fact that Mindful Ed taught Steven that it’s really important to face upsetting thoughts and feelings and traumas before they tear him apart. But whatever! what ever

- God this isn’t even half of the issues I now have with Future, but I don’t want this post to be 8 miles longer than it already is. Basically I feel like Future does a disservice to the characters and story being told in the original series, which I am very fond of now. It reminds me of an OOC fanfiction. It leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

I really do not want to argue about this. It’s just my opinion. I’m kind of venting. If you agree, great. If you don’t, please keep scrolling. Thanks.