#2 - issues of consent if you are able to interact with someone who doesn’t perceive time the same way you do

[pisoprano]

Simultaneously desperately want someone to invent a Time Pocket where I can have space to rest/ignore everything without time passing and acknowledging all the reasons why having access to that would absolutely wreck society.

[mbti-notes]

Anon wrote: Hi. I hope you had/are having a great summer break. I (INTP) am hoping for some perspective about an issue. Recently, my mother, whom I hadn’t seen in a while, became incredibly frustrated that I corrected her with an alleged “I know everything” attitude.

It’s an issue of concern because she revealed that I always do this. I guess this was the straw that broke it, especially given that what we were discussing was very trivial. (Maybe the frivolousness of the subject is precisely what made my correction seem more pedantic, unnecessary, arrogant.) She says that my attitude disregards her long life experience, and that if she were a stranger, she would think of me as a “snot-nosed brat who knows nothing about life” instead of as a “wise young person”, which is the viable alternative. She said that I am closed-minded and that I shoot everything down. (The problem of small-mindedness is what you addressed the only other time I wrote to you.)

I don’t know why I come off as arrogant. I’m sure that I’m not. I asked my mother what it was that made her think that, which she thought was a silly question because what she sensed was a general demeanor rather than specific behaviors. In the end we were only able to establish that my lack of eye contact was one of those factors. I can work on that, but surely that’s not determinant. What makes people think of others as arrogant? Should I stop correcting people? I don’t correct others in order to feel superior to them. I do it because I like to debate, in order to keep my thinking sharp, and because there is something painful about friends/family having false notions. I think it’s fair to say that my intention isn’t rooted in arrogant soils.

Granted, my suggestion of stopping correcting people is black-and-white, given that there is the grey option of changing the *way* I correct people. I’m just wondering if it’s an unhealthy habit in the first place. But given how prevalent a thought process it is (i.e. questioning people’s statements and finding faults), the process of getting rid of it may be akin to self-directed psychological violence. I mean, this is the same mode of being that makes me good at what I’m good at. (There’s also the option of keeping the thought process, but not correcting people aloud, but I don’t know what else there is to talk about other than analyzing ideas and their faults. Maybe I should analyze ideas for their strengths too, and express that side more than the faults.)

So anyway, let’s go with grey: So far I’ve tried thinking of an arrogant person that I know in order to understand my behavior, but I can’t think of anyone. Also, no matter how hard I try to put myself in someone else’s shoes in order to simulate an interaction with myself, it doesn’t really work, and I can’t see the arrogance, except if I were to just tell someone “that’s wrong” without any explanation. (I wonder if that’s what went wrong in the conversation with my mother.) Either way, this whole issue boils down to the fact that I’m not arrogant by any reasonable criteria that I found online, but that I come off as such. This was longer than intended. Thanks for your kindness and help.

-----------------------

Here are some questions for you to reflect on. They are meant to increase awareness of your underlying assumptions, beliefs, and values. Answer honestly:

Do you care about your mom? Do you care about how she's faring, what she's experiencing, what she's thinking or feeling, what she needs and desires, what she hopes for or aspires to, etc?

If you care, how do you SHOW your care to her?

If you don't care, how does that affect your behavior toward her?

Do you believe that the mother-child relationship only goes one-way? (Is it the mom's job to do for you but you owe her nothing?)

You say you like to debate to sharpen your mind. Innocent enough. I like to roller skate to keep myself physically fit. In an ideal world, I would never take my skates off. Does my enthusiasm for roller skating mean that I slap my skates on anywhere, any time? No. Surely it is inappropriate to skate around a hospital or the supermarket. Not only could I seriously harm myself, I would also be exhibiting flagrant disregard for the safety and well-being of others.

What you like to do for yourself sometimes comes into conflict with other people. If you care about people and hope to have healthy and happy relationships with them, you have to take their needs and wants into consideration in every interaction. You have to abide by ethical rules and principles that allow your needs to be met without neglecting the needs of others or interfering with their ability to get their needs met. Without ethics, society wouldn't be able to function, because it would just be a free-for-all.

You mention small-mindedness. It is quite small-minded to walk around the world only thinking about what you need/want. In the best case scenario, you are completely oblivious to others, and they will perceive you as clueless or self-absorbed. In the worst case scenario, you only interact with people for your own personal gain, and that would make you an exploitative or even abusive person. Is that the kind of person you want to be?

Do you basically treat people as though their sole purpose on earth is to debate you and help you sharpen your mind - to serve you? Do you launch into debates with people without asking for consent or checking to see if they want to be corrected? If you do, they will call you arrogant, not because you've put yourself on a pedestal and call yourself superior like an evil cartoon character, but because you are communicating to them that your needs/wants are most important AND you don't give a damn about theirs.

Webster's definition of arrogance: "an insulting way of thinking or behaving that comes from believing that you are better, smarter, or more important than other people". You believe that you know better, otherwise, you wouldn't grant yourself the social authority to intrude on people's boundaries, invalidate their experience, and correct them uninvited. You believe that you are smarter, otherwise, you wouldn't automatically assume the dominant social role of corrector. You behave as though you are the more important member of the relationship because your main priority is YOUR need to feel better (about your skills or about what others believe) while overlooking the other person's needs. Seems like you fit the definition quite well.

Despite that, I wouldn't call you arrogant because I understand that small-mindedness is a difficult problem to overcome. I see the effort that you're putting in to understand it. I'm charitable because I'm not the one who was hurt by your behavior. When people feel hurt, they often have difficulty expressing it. Maybe it comes out clumsily or they aren't able to explain their hurt without hurting you in return. Expressing one's true feelings is to make oneself vulnerable. If someone doesn't trust you to understand and validate their feelings or, worse, they believe that you will attack them for their feelings, they will not be completely honest with you. Your mom is trying her best to give you the benefit of the doubt by saying "if you were a stranger...", but she doesn't feel comfortable enough with you to express her hurt fully and explicitly as it happens. Why? Because the very reason she is hurt in the first place is that you have shown very little regard for her feelings. Following from the previous post of yours, the root of the problem is that you have such a poor understanding of feelings to begin with that you view them as inconsequential in yourself and others (very immature Fe).

I believe you have no ill-intent. I have said before that the typical Ti dom never sets out to hurt people on purpose. Rather, they hurt people unintentionally because their perspective is too small: 1) they don't grasp that other people's needs may be very different from their own and thereby fail to consider them, 2) they don't know how to empathize with different perspectives and validate them, and/or 3) they don't understand that SHOWING love and care is necessary for people to justify continued investment in the relationship.

In other words, Ti doms tend to hurt people out of negligence or acts of omission. Some of them get frustrated at not being able to solve their relationship problems. They might try to convince themselves that doing nothing means that no harm can be done, so they adopt a passive stance in the relationship and perhaps even train themselves to keep their mouth shut (self-violence). They fail to understand that there's more than one way to cause hurt. Instead of learning better relationship skills, they check out mentally and emotionally. Being checked out only makes it worse because you hurt yourself and you keep hurting others by being even less attentive to their needs.

The foundation of meaningful relationships is showing care. In a healthy relationship, people trust you to care for their emotional needs and not violate their personal boundaries. If you only attend to your own needs/wants in social interaction, you are signalling that you don't really care about the other person. This problem with your mom shows that you give little to no consideration for emotional needs and personal boundaries. If you don't want friends, it's entirely your choice to be alone for the rest of your life, pretending that you never leave any footprints behind you. If you want friends, you'll have to put out more effort to be a better friend, by paying more attention to the consequences of your behavior.

Doing things that violate trust and boundaries, even if unintentional, causes hurt. When people feel hurt and don't feel safe to express the hurt, they are liable to say/do negative things. To have good emotional intelligence is to see past the surface of their negative words/behavior and grasp the underlying emotional needs that were unmet and/or the personal boundaries that were violated. Only then can you be a morally responsible member of a relationship, in terms of owning all the ways that you impact people, both positively and negatively.

Arrogant people don't care about the social impact they produce. As long as they get what they want and don't lose anything, the existence of others is of little importance to them. If your mom is important to you, then learn how to show it better by listening to her when she tells you about her needs/wants. You hyperfocus on the literal meaning of the word "arrogant" and whether it is true/false of you, as though proving it false means that there's nothing wrong. You need to listen to the people you have hurt, if you want to understand why your behavior is hurtful. Alternatively, you need to educate yourself about emotional needs, interpersonal boundaries, and what constitutes un/ethical behavior and why.

[physicistdyke]

Transed his own Gender

Dr. Harold P. Coomer is trans, he's worked his whole academic career to make his body just how he wanted it. Now, at age 46, he finally has an opportunity with his work at Black Mesa to get bottom surgery. But his colleague and friend Dr Bubby, who doesn’t know anything about gender besides the strict hetero-normative and patriarchal culture of STEM, objects to the new and risky procedure while questioning Coomers desires to put his own safety at risk all for a silly gen-dar.

rb >> likes!

Link to ao3: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25611880

or read under cut 

It was both viciously empowering and crumbled him to the core. He had a power over his own body, rare for the here and now in this space and time. Harold had felt this way many times before, an advantage that should be a right. He could relieve his own suffering, but at what cost? The lingering thoughts would stick with him, latching on like a parasite, a cancer. A hand on his shoulder brought him back into his body, a body he’s worked so hard for. He turned back to see his colleague, stoic in expression. Dr Bubby was not good at expressing emotions in a conventional manner, but other characteristics helped to convey what his face could not. Right now the pressure he was applying with his hand on Coomer’s shoulder mixed with how he avoided eye contact told Coomer that Bubby was afraid. Bubby was afraid for Coomer. “Are you sure you want to go through with this?” Bubby started. Coomer was about to reply, but Bubby’s own racing mind cut him off. “It’s a very experimental procedure you know, I was reading over the cybernetics reports-“ “Please Bubby,” Coomer turned and looked up at him straight on, he saw worry in his friend’s eyes, “I am fully aware of what I’m doing, I have done just as much research as you.” He said these words with confidence. He didn’t want to hurt his friends feelings more, but sometimes Bubby’s ego got the best of him. Bubby took a step back from the other man, as if the eye contact burned him. Harold was one of the few people Bubby could look in the eyes without that feeling, but now it felt like the island of experience between them was distant. He averted his gaze back to a corner of the room, reconsidering his own words and constructing a sentence most logical for the situation. “I just don’t understand your desire to keep going forward with this, you’re already well respected enough.” *** ____________________________________

This would be Coomer’s first procedure since he had met Bubby. The most recent before that was the operation on his chest, he had snagged that opportunity while working on his post doctorate. That was an experimental procedure at the time too, but Coomer’s endless tap of kindness and intelligence had been able to convince his friends in the medical department and their higher ups that this was an ethically sound decision. Even though Coomer himself never wished to study human anatomy, much preferring engineering and physics to biology, the circumstances of his life pushed him to learn more then he wanted to know. This study began the second he got to college, an unaware and afraid young man, he used his own body as test subject. Mixing concoctions that transformed his body and mind. By the time he was applying for his masters, he was a new man. All the insecurity and anxiousness of his younger years behind him, he now shone like the star he was. From there he made incremental and bolder steps in the process of his transition; first with the top surgery as mentioned before, and now, at the age of 46, he was arranging what would hopefully be his final procedure. Black Mesa did a lot of things, and apparently mechanical prosthetics was now one of them. The new cybernetics department had already made wondrous strides in terms of arms and legs, restoring ability to those in their ranks that needed it. These semi-mechanical, semi-flesh prosthetics fascinated Dr. Coomer to no end. About 8 months ago he had started wandering into the department more often. Finding himself asking passing questions to colleagues, asking questions from a genuine place in the heart. Dr. Coomer was open to talk about his experiences as a trans man, but a majority of his peers were always too uncomfortable to ask. They saw it as an oddity within a good man, he saw it as something that helped make him the good man he was today. The gap in that understanding stung Coomer sometimes, and the feeling of isolation sometimes crept up on him. But his smile and the passion for his studies often helped to bring him away from that space. It was about 2 months ago when he picked out a particular team within the cybernetics department, and started to have more serious conversations with them. From a scientific perspective, everyone involved was enthralled by the prospect. Combine that with Coomer's consistent fascination, confidence, and consent, they were fast approaching a place where action could be taken. _____________________________________

Bubby had noticed his friend's increased absence from their own department. Missing from collaboration meetings, not in his office or nearest break room for their usual chit chat. Coomer was an unlikely but much appreciated friend to Bubby. They had met about 10 years prior, when Bubby was nearly done the process of being titled 'a successful prototype'. Coomer was an unexpected ray of sunshine in Bubby's life. Showing him a kindness and understanding Bubby never had the luxury to live with. Being regarded as a test subject and experiment your whole life does that to you. ____________________________________

Bubby didn't know what being trans meant when Coomer first brought it up with him. Bubby, in reality, didn't even know what gender meant. He had a vague grasp on the fact that gender existed. The knowledge tubes his creators attached to him all those years ago mostly skipped out on all topics of liberal arts, humanity, sociology, etc, except for the most minimum required for him to be a somewhat functioning social life form. But what Dr Bubby lacked in those nuanced interactions and social rules, he well made up for in his ability to observe and form logical conclusions (according to his own account). He was aware of the fact that some people were referred to differently. Out of Black Mesas staff, a small minority were referred to as ‘she’. This group had a tendency to dress different from the rest of the staff, occasionally donning skirts and dresses, and varying from person to person on pigment applied to the face. Bubby viewed these people as his equal (or more so equally below him as the rest of his male co-workers, as he was still an egotistical jerk), but he couldn’t help but notice the trends surrounding this group. Bubby heard the back handed remarks, the passing jokes, the tone of superiority made by some of his male colleagues about the fairer sex. He saw the anxiety in his female colleagues when this attitude approached them. He noted the equal distribution of men to women in the ranks of visiting grad students and post docs, yet the stark lack of women in actual professional roles at Black Mesa. He saw the complacency in nearly all of his male colleagues regarding the generally accepted treatment words the ‘fairer sex’. Nearly all his male colleagues. Coomer and Bubby had been working together for a few years, and a friendship (or the closest thing to that someone could get to with Bubby) had started to really solidify. They were on lunch together, discussing the published panels from a recent convention on nuclear physics. Bubby was particularly fascinated in some newly publish findings on strange Beta decay experiments. He excitedly postulated the possibilities the results could mean for the future of the strong nuclear force. Dr Coomer was as supportive and thoughtful towards his friend as ever, but something else seemed to be occupying his thoughts. “Did you read over the notes from the panel on gender issues in STEM?” Dr. Coomer eventually interrupted when his lingering thoughts became too present. This caught Bubby off guard, but he quickly caught up with his colleagues present state of mind, “I didn’t because I saw it as trivial. I mean, it was a convention on nuclear physics, why waste time with trivial matters of progressing social etiquette?” Coomer furrowed his brow and Bubby realized he had perhaps chosen the wrong words, “Well Professor, if you had spent the time to read, you’d realize it was barely focusing on Progressing social etiquette at all. The man they chose to lead the panel was as backwards thinking about women’s role in science as the Pythagoreans were about irrational numbers.” Bubby shuffled in his chair with slight discomfort, he was never put up to the task of discussing matters like this, “Ah, yes. Well that is a shame. Pretty fucked up too… But I’m sure women will find a way to still contribute valuable findings.” “It’s difficult enough already, I’m sick of this two steps forwards one step back mentality.” Coomer was submerged in his own thoughts, barely acknowledging Bubby’s weak response. “Things have barely changed since my undergrad days. I’m lucky I managed to survive the few years I did in academia being perceived as a woman.” Bubby processed this as neatly and quickly as he could. Gender could be changed. ____________________________________

***“What do you mean by respect, Professor?” Dr. Coomer asked, cooling his own emotions. “You know what I mean, you’re already perceived as a man! You’re no longer are seen as a woman and you’re no longer discriminated against. I admire that you’ve figured out a way to jump the backwards system but-“ he was cut off by Coomer. “Bubby,” Coomer looked at his friend, trying to fathom what the hell had gone wrong in that ‘perfect’ brain of his. He finally gathered his thoughts, “I’m not, trans- because I wanted to be respected. I’m trans because I just am.” Bubby ruminated on his colleagues response, “Well fine, if not for the respect then it���s simply conformity! It makes complete sense Harold, science can be a real dog eat dog world. Anything that makes you separate from the norm is just a weight to be lifted.” “What the actual hell are you talking about professor” a tone of anger and disappointment filled Coomer’s voice, “This is some really problematic thinking you know.” Bubby gave a huff and deepened his gaze to the corner of the room, he mulled over his thoughts and tried to choose his words carefully. As much as he hated to admit it, he really knew very little about gender, but his drive to maintain the upper hand kept him from admitting that. He decided drawing from personal experience was the most logical argument to make, “I mean, that’s why I’m a man. I guess I just always assumed it was the same for you.” Coomer’s look of annoyance turned to one of intrigue, it was rare for Bubby to share his more personal thoughts and feelings. Coomer took this opportunity to prod his colleague, “Is that so Dr Bubby?”, he knew how to get Bubby in a more comfortable mindset, “Then tell me, do you feel like a man?”. “What the fuck is that suppose to mean?” Bubby sneered, “I don’t feel like a man, I just present like one. What the hell does feeling have to do with gender?” Coomer chuckled a little, realizing his friend wasn’t a complete bigot, just an idiot. “I say Dr. Bubby, it looks like your creators really didn’t connect any gender tubes to that brain of yours. Did they tell you the you were a man?” Bubby was feeling increasingly exposed and embarrassed but kept his composure. “Those bastards didn’t tell me anything! At least not directly. I popped out of the tube and they just started calling me ‘he’ and I just rolled with it. I thought that happened to everyone! Until I met you,” Bubby finally returned his gaze to Coomer. Slight tones of confusion, fear, and anger made up his expression, “I could tell that it sucked to be a woman, regardless of their extra freedom of expression with clothes and things like that. So it made sense to me that you changed your presentation to avoid the ridicule.” Coomer enjoyed pressing Bubby’s ‘think deeply about something other than science’ button, but refrained and decided to give some explanation. “Bubby, that really isn’t how gender works in the slightest! I mean for some people they’re content with what ever gender they were assigned at birth, but even then they have some sort of emotional attachment or sense of that gender. And for others, like me, they feel a stronger connection to some other gender and they make what ever adjustments feels right for them. With everyone it can be pretty fluid throughout their lifetimes, but it’s all very personal. What gender do you feel Bubby?” “I don’t feel like any fucking gender! I feel like a scientist, can’t I just be that?” Bubby tapped his foot and rolled the hem of his lab coat between his fingers. He was glad he was talking about this with Harold, but it still felt awkward as hell. “Of course you can Dr. Bubby!” Coomer beamed at his colleagues honesty, “Though I don’t think you could be considered trans though, you were assigned Scientist at Birth™.” Cooper laughed at his own joke, which in turn made Bubby relax and smile a bit himself. Coomer placed a hand on Bubby’s sholder, “Ah, but in all seriousness. It’s completely valid to not be a man or a woman. There are plenty of people like that! And it’s also ok to not have any gender at all! You can feel and express yourself however you want to Bubby, and at least I’ll be here to fully support you. I hope you’re willing to do the same for me.” Bubby looked to the side in a sheepish but calmer way, “Well, of course Harold. I guess I didn’t fully understand how much this meant to you. I’m, um, sorry for speaking over you about this.” A sorry from Bubby was a rare commodity. “It’s alright. You were worried about my well being and I’m grateful for that! You were miss informed and kind of stupid, but I’m glad you were willing to open up and have an honest conversation with me.” Bubby smiled and his gaze was finally able to align with Coomer’s again, the feeling of safety retuned and his anxieties took a back seat. “Well, if it’s alright with you, I’d love to help you and the cybernetics department in your research and development. Learn more about the cutting edge of gender confirming surgery and whatnot.” Coomer beamed at the support, “Ah! I’d be happy to include you in Project Black Mesa Super Shlong 3000! I can grab some of the blueprints we’ve been working on right now!” Coomer left Bubby’s office in an excited hurry and would return shortly. In that time Bubby reflected on the conversation. Not needing to be a man or a woman? Not needing any gender at all? That sounded really nice to Bubby. He still had a lot to learn about life outside of Black Mesa and the apparently fluid rules of gender, but he was glad he Coomer there to fill in the gaps.

[shuvva]

Matt brainstorming stuff:

My two main challenges with Matt are 1) ‘why is everything I write for this kid so damn depressing and on the flipside how do I make him not an ~inspirational woobie~ without making him sarcastic/mean’, and 2) how do I write a character who is pretty much the opposite of my usual character archetype (loud angry obnoxious lesbian with an urge to wreck shit). The second part is kind of why I like him, though.

Kind of a mix of Sufjan Stevens + Owl City + Muse aesthetically. Earliest character inspiration was Matteo Alacran from The House of the Scorpion, whom he still has a…surprising number of parallels to despite the number of revamps he’s been though.

Early life: Was generally sickly as a child and got sick after being exposed  to an unvaccinated child and never really recovered. Met Nhu The Charismatic Trans Medical Experiment Wonder Child in the hospital and was later in her class in elementary school and they just sort of became BFFs after that.

Health issues are like asthma + other undefined chronic respiratory stuff + weak immune system. Also generally brainweird, but tends to be quieter about it that Ruma so he slips under the radar more. Has more pronounced anxiety and dissociation issues after escaping from Sulla, which are exacerbated by his powers.

Ruma is very 🗡🗡🗡 toward anyone who tries to hurt him

He and Ruma have a strained relationship for various reasons. They both have sort of built up these idealized versions of each other that they base their feelings toward each other off of when they really just need to sit down and talk. They finally get to reconcile in Act 3. Basically, they care about each other but have a lot of shit they need to work out before they really have a healthy relationship.

Ruma did do some legitimately shitty stuff to Matt as a teenager (lying to him about some important spoiler-y stuff + bailing on him) that he doesn’t 100% forgive her for. From her perspective, she thinks she was protecting him. I can see the eventual future discourse on this brewing from here.

In general he and Ruma remind me a lot of Dean and Sam from Supernatural, although I made them before I even knew about Supernatural so this wasn’t on purpose.

Chris Traeger from Parks and Rec (particularly when he gets neurotic or freaks out about stuff) is another one of my headcanons for him.

To change the subject: VOID POWERS. He can do stuff like phase into other people’s dreams, make dreams real to an extent, and make people selectively not notice things. (Explanation: People only notice a fraction of what they perceive, and remember only a fraction of that they notice. You’d get completely overloaded and be unable to process anything otherwise. Matt’s power lets him obscure information by making people less likely to notice and therefore remember it).

It’s pretty similar to the Man in the Tan Jacket from WTNV

Mind control doesn’t work on him. You try to mind-meld with him, you just get…static. I haven’t decided if he could mind-meld with someone if he wanted to and could turn his powers off, or if he’s just straight-up incapable of it. But yeah, he’s not telepathic as a side effect of this.

More advanced applications of his powers: selectively shorting out cameras, summoning rifts to phase himself into, creating a sort of void cloud that extends his powers to anything in about a 10 foot radius. Also has telekinesis. This becomes important later on.

Might be able to project himself through rifts for a couple of seconds. (sort of like Lilith from Borderlands’ phasewalk ability) Haven’t decided whether he can interact with people/objects while projecting or whether it’s more of a ghost-type situation.

I think Ruma and Nhu are kind of desensitized to his powers since they’re around him the most. That would be a handy way to explain their general resilience to daemon powers. (Especially for Nhu, since I have other explanations for Ruma. For Nhu I just have…she’s an ADHD bonehead which makes her super inconvenient if not impossible to mind-control. Ruma’s explanation is that she will mentally kick you to the curb if you try to mind-control her)

In case it wasn’t obvious, people like Kaunya and Sulla are literally drooling to get their hands on someone or something (there’s not much of a difference to them) with Matt’s powers. That’s why they’re after him. Other people are after him for their own reasons as well and Matt is pretty sick and tired of it. He can use his powers to evade them, but it gets exhausting after a while, and he doesn’t have a lot of extra physical or mental energy to keep that up.

Also, idea I just had, K + S wanting to his dream powers to basically keep people in induced comas. Not something that Matt would ever consent to, though.

Danza’s essentially his guardian angel. His shitty obnoxious guardian angel who keeps saving his ass and is probably working for someone but I can’t say who or why. Their dynamic amuses me but I don’t really condone shipping it. Danza’s mean and Matt needs emotional support and Danza’s not interested. Brynnza’s a better ship anyways.

Probably eats relatively healthily but also eats a lot of sugar and Starbucks and shit.

I have had Matt as a character for over 10 years and I am just NOW realizing that he’s bi and probably wears gold jewelry. I attribute this delay to me being a fool and a coward.

[maritzaerwin]

7 Tips to Deal With an Overly Flirtatious Colleague

The workplace can be the birthplace of some of our best friendships, and for others, even romance. This comes as no surprise, seeing as we spend one-third of our lives at work. Between afternoon coffees and after-work drinks, friendships, and even more, can blossom.

We often have unique bonds with the people we work with, as they understand the intricacies of our jobs and careers in a way that our family and friends can’t. So, it’s only natural that there is some crossover between our professional and personal lives in our social circles.

But whilst positive relationships can come from the workplace, there is equal opportunity for conflict and unwanted attention to arising too. When things go too far, your own safety is the most important thing, and your company should do everything they can to safeguard members of staff.

Whilst encouraging a relaxed, friendly atmosphere is a key part of promoting employee social health, there must also be clear rules on what kinds of behavior will and will not be tolerated in the workplace between employees and managers alike.

Identifying the Flirty Behavior

When it comes to dealing with romantic advances or overly flirty behavior, it can be a pretty awkward situation. As with all interactions with the people around us, there is a possibility that miscommunications can take place. Before making any decisions or taking action, it’s important to first step back and identify what the problem is. 

1. Is It Innocent?

There’s a chance that your overly flirtatious colleague is simply a little over-friendly, and doesn’t even realize that they’re crossing a line. Maybe they ask what you perceive as flirty questions in an effort to genuinely get to know you as a person, rather than in a romantic way. 

The reality is that some people are not so good at reading social cues, and if they have a playful nature anyway, it can lead to them being flirtatious when really they’re aiming for friendly. If this is the case, then all it takes is a simple conversation or some hint-dropping to steer them in the right direction.

2. Is It Inappropriate?

Overly flirtatious or suggestive behavior that makes you feel unsafe is a form of sexual harassment in the workplace. Pay attention to how it makes you feel when you are around the individual in question, and what they say or do to you.

Inappropriate behavior can come in many different forms, from lewd comments and telling inappropriate jokes, to offering promotions in exchange for sexual favors. These are just a few, but there are many other types of sexual harassment to look out for in the workplace too.

Whether it’s harmless or posing a danger to you or your job, any inappropriate behavior should be dealt with as soon as possible.

What Counts as Inappropriate Behavior?

Sexual harassment is, unfortunately, commonplace in the professional environment, with around one-fifth of Americans having experienced it in the workplace.

Whereas in the past, sexual harassment at work was largely ignored, and considered a part of the male-dominated workplace culture, nowadays with the rise of the #MeToo movement in recent years, things are much different.

Women and men alike who experience sexual harassment now have much more support and are encouraged to come forward and get the support they need. 

Sexual harassment can occur in a wide variety of forms and situations, a few of which we’ve listed below:

Inappropriate comments.

Making jokes of a sexual nature.

Touching without consent.

Offering pay rises or promotions in exchange for sexual favors.

Romantically pursuing you after you say no.

Sending indecent emails.

Stalking social media profiles. 

Sexual assault.

Sending unsolicited images or photos.

This is by no means an exhaustive list of the ways that sexual harassment can manifest itself in the workplace, and there are many other forms of it. 

One of the best ways that you can decipher what is inappropriate behavior and what isn’t is by paying attention to how you feel when you are around the person, as well as the type of things your colleague says or does to you. 

If you feel comfortable with their flirting, and possibly even reciprocate it, then you know there isn’t a problem. However, if you feel uncomfortable or unsafe around this person, then that is the biggest indicator that they are behaving inappropriately with you. 

How to Take Action Against an Overly Flirtatious Colleague

If the attention your colleague is showing you is making you feel uncomfortable. Then it’s crucial that you take action of some kind.

Whether it is dealing with the situation yourself or seeking support from your organization or manager, unwarranted romantic advances are unacceptable in the workplace.

But it is completely up to you how you deal with inappropriate behavior. Here are just some of the things that you can do to deal with an overly flirtatious colleague. 

1. Talk to a Trusted Colleague

One thing to do would be to talk to a colleague that you trust. They can offer you advice and even support in dealing with the situation. This can be a good way to also see if there is a pattern of behavior, as well as whether they notice the extra attention you receive from the colleague in question.

Having a confidante of sorts can prove to be a great source of emotional support for anyone dealing with sexual harassment, and can be valuable down the line if you choose to make a formal complaint with your employer.

2. It’s Okay to Tell a White Lie

The same way you would lie about having a boyfriend in a bar to ward off romantic advances from a stranger, if you aren’t comfortable with directly rejecting your overly flirtatious colleague, then this is an option too. 

There’s no harm in telling a small white lie to save any awkwardness that may linger after a rejection. Especially in the workplace, where social politics can drastically affect your productivity and morale levels, this is a way to let your colleague down gently and to let them know you aren’t interested.

The main aim of this approach is to make it clear that you aren’t available in a romantic setting, and already being interested in or involved with someone else is an easier, less awkward way to do this. 

3. Keep It Strictly Professional

The main priority for many in the workplace is to maintain a good level of professionalism. This is in regards to the work itself, the connections you make, and the way you conduct yourself whilst at work. So dealing with an overly flirtatious colleague can come in the form of going back to the basics of work conduct.

If you focus on keeping things strictly professional, then this can be a way to subtly let them know that you aren’t interested in reciprocating any flirty behavior. In practice, this could be that when they do make a comment, you redirect the conversation to professional or work matters.

Even a persistent admirer should get the message if you show a complete lack of reciprocity.

4. Set Boundaries

If you feel comfortable doing so, there could be a relatively simple fix to dealing with an overly flirtatious colleague – by talking to them. By addressing the issue head-on, you can clear up any misunderstandings and set some clear boundaries so they know not to cross the line with you again. 

This can be simply done with a question of “Are you trying to hit on me?”, or “What are you trying to achieve here?”. Directly addressing the flirty behavior forces your co-worker to explain themselves as well as be accountable for their actions.

In the event that your colleague doesn’t realize that they are being inappropriate, this could be helpful for both you and them. They are presented with an opportunity to take responsibility for, and change, their behavior, and you can take charge of the situation and keep your boundaries in place.

If the employee in question was intentionally trying to flirt with you, then setting boundaries with them is a necessary action to stop this behavior. Once they know that you aren’t interested in them romantically, they should distance themselves from you or change their behavior.

Unwanted flirting in the workplace can cause tension and even pose a risk to your job, so it is better to nip it in the bud sooner rather than later. 

5. Make a Formal Complaint

If hint-dropping or even confronting your colleague about their behavior doesn’t work, then the next step is to lodge a formal complaint. Reporting a flirtatious co-worker to your human resources department or management is the more effective route to take to keep yourself safe and protected from unwanted attention from a fellow employee.

Companies have to have safeguarding policies in place that protect employees who are the victims of sexual harassment, and clear disciplinary guidelines for the consequences of inappropriate behavior.

If you want to make a formal complaint, you should follow your organization’s reporting policies. As with any kind of complaint, you will need to recount your experiences and build a good case for your complaint. Therefore it is important to have evidence and corroboration for your claim.

6. Keep A Record

It can be difficult to remember every inappropriate comment or action your colleague exhibits, so keeping a record of evidence is crucial when reporting sexual harassment. Try writing down any comments or jokes they make, and if you are able to, recording your colleague is a surefire way to prove your claim. 

Depending on how your complaint procedure works, any evidence of harassment that is gathered can be crucial in ensuring you receive the help and support you need from higher management.

7. Have Someone to Corroborate Your Story

If you have shared your concerns with a fellow colleague, they can act as corroboration for your complaint. Whether you have shared your experiences with them, or have witnessed any misconduct themselves when it comes to proving that your claim is valid having a witness to the behavior is of paramount importance. 

Why Is It Important to Deal With Inappropriate Behavior?

While it might be tempting to ignore your overly flirtatious colleague to save face or maintain pleasant relations in the workplace, in the long run, this approach can do more harm than good. From the emotional and mental toll, it can take on you, contributing to a culture of enabling harassment in the workplace, taking action is the best option for everyone.

1. You deserve to feel safe and comfortable at work

If you want to do your best work and advance in your career, then the workplace must be a space where you feel comfortable and safe. So regardless of work politics, your own safety and productivity need to be the first priority.

A flirting co-worker’s incessant notes, non-consensual touching, and never-ending compliments can actually make the workplace a toxic place for you. It can have a significant impact on your mental health and stress levels too. 

2. There could be a pattern of behavior

Although we would hope that this isn’t the case, there could be a repeat sexual predator in your midst at work. And when inappropriate behavior goes unchecked, the person making others uncomfortable is only enabled by ignorance.

Reporting or addressing an issue with an overly flirtatious colleague could help to highlight a pattern of behavior, which would help to not only safeguard you but other people in your office who may have experienced the same thing. 

3. Your company has a duty of care

Sexual harassment or misconduct in the workplace is not your fault. It’s also not something you need to shoulder alone. Organizations have a duty of care for each and every member of staff and should be a supporting presence for anyone who has been a victim of sexual harassment.

So reaching out to a manager or lodging a formal complaint is a completely rational response to misconduct in the office. Regardless of yours or the perpetrator’s position in the company, your organization should do everything possible to ensure that everyone feels safe and comfortable at work, at all times. 

An overly flirtatious colleague could be innocent, but if it makes you feel uncomfortable then it is unacceptable in any environment, not just in the workplace.

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