#15+ years of experience is surely valid right

[wlwsoccerfics]

Diagnosis(LucyBronzeXSamKerrXReader)

A/N: i did a few Changes from the request but i hope you like it. This is my Personal experience. Doesn't have to be like that for someone else.

Warnings: Reader has Autism and ADHD. Talk about Foster care, drugs and bullying.

Summary: you Play for Chelsea with Lucy and she becomes very protective of you. Realizing you and her are similiar in certain behaviors. When you go on a national break with the Matildas Sam has to call Lucy for advice.

You are 15 years old. So really Young. But still very talented. You even made it onto the Chelsea Senior Team and just got your first call Up for Matildas Camp.

It wasn't long until Lucy became protective of you and you moved in with her. Given that you didn't have any parents. Growing up in the system. She was fostering you and planned to adopt you. You were quite thankful that Lucy had a fostering license and wanted to be your Mom. Ona was also being supportive. Not sure about adopting you with Lucy ,but she was being like a cool aunt at the Moment which was fine with you. She was living in Barcelona still. Which is why she wasn't sure this would work. But a move to England was coming up this Summer so that's when she would make a decision.

Currently you were trying to get ready for bed. But your mind wouldn't let you rest. Especially not cause you weren't done with listening to your favorite song three times before brushing your teeth. But you were really frustrated right now, given the fact that you were late with your schedule. You had a routine you like to keep up with. It wasn't always possible when you had Game days and stuff but you enjoyed when things go as planned. That's why you plan in the first place. You and Lucy had hit Traffic,which meant you weren't able to walk Narla on time. That was upsetting you.

This also made Lucy think that you had alot of traits and behaviors that were similiar to hers. Feeling most free on the pitch cause that was your Element and football was your Life.

"y/n, it's late, you have online classes in the morning. Are you getting ready for bed right now?" Lucy asked from downstairs.

"soon..." You just replied, sighing softly because you didn't like being interrupted while listening to your favorite song. You became more and more frustrated with the day. Lucy made a mental note to talk to you about getting tested for adhd and Autism before national camp was starting and you would be away from home next week. By the stressed out tone in your voice Lucy knew not to talk to you more at this very moment. She was aware that you had to focus on something right now. So she didn't mess up your routine. It was a learning process for her as well.

It was almost midnight when you finally managed to get into bed. And took you another hour and fifty minutes to fall asleep.

The next morning you were up at 4:35am. Taking a quick shower. Having coffee and then turning on your favorite Anime. You still had like 3 hours left before online classes and 7 hours left before Football practice.

Around 5:30 am you heard Lucy wake up. She got ready for the day as well. Joining you on the couch after a quick shower.

"morning kiddo!" Lucy stated. Smiling softly at you. You lean your head against her shoulder.

"morning Lucy." You replied with a small smile.

"how did you sleep?" She asked, even though she was awake as well most of the night so she had heard you walking around in your room.

"we both know i didn't really sleep much and was up most of the night. Cause i heard you being up as well." You answered. Lucy chuckled a bit, but also looked more and more sure that she was on the right track with thinking you might be autistic and have adhd.

"okay, valid Point!" Lucy admitted.

"you look like you want to discuss something." You stated.

"busted. I do want to talk to you about something really important!" Lucy let you know.

"Go ahead!" You replied and offered her a small smile.

"i came to realize that you have alot in Common with me. And i am not just talking about how you Play football." Lucy explained. You just nodded your head softly.

"can you hurry this up, please? My anxiety is through the roof right now!" You admitted. Biting down on your bottom lip. Letting out a small sigh. "Sorry." You added on.

"it's okay. I think you might be autistic or have adhd as well, maybe even both." She explained.

"so i should get tested? I have thought about this as well If i am honest!" You said.

"this Is exactly what i wanted to talk to you about. I can make you an appointment. Hopefully figure this out before you go to national camp." Lucy stated.

You agreed and she made an appointment for you while you had online classes. Later that day you had practice before a game against Manchester City tomorrow night. Before that Game you would be able to go get tested for adhd and Autism. Something you were nervous about but you also wanted to know.

At the appointment you had to answer questions about what you would do in certain situations, talked about Rituals and things like that. The appointment took around three hours. Such a long time. Which did clash with your Rituals before a game. But it also confirmed that you indeed had both. Just like Lucy.

Lucy made a mental note to talk to Sam about it, since you would be going to Matildas Camp with her. And she wanted her to know about it. Maybe even be able to help you with your routine.

The final Game before your national break was on. You were starting. Together with Lucy & Sam. It was the second half of the Game. It was 0-0 right now but not for long. You were around 20 meters away from the Goal but saw the keeper was out of the Goal, so you used the opportunity and just kicked the ball, hard but with precision. And it went into the back of the net. 1-0 in Minute 87. Your Team celebrating you. Thankfully you managed to keep that score on your side and the Game ended.

Half an hour later after celebrating with the Fans, taking pictures and giving away your shirt you were back in the changing room now. You were about to take a shower when Lucy pulled you aside to let you know she will tell Sam about your diagnosis so she can keep an eye on you for her in Australia.

You arrived at Camp Yesterday. Three days ago there were some comments on the Internet that somehow knew about your diagnosis. You had no idea how the word got out but it did. Alot of people showing their support but then there were comments like:

'always knew something was wrong with her'

'so that's why she is so weird during interviews'

'she doesn't belong on the pitch'

'probably why she grew up in the system.'

'what a freak.'

During a water break at practice you look at your phone seeing more comments like that. You drop your water bottle and ran away.

"y/n!" Steph yelled after you. Kyra and Sam tried to run after you. But you were too fast.

"someone call Lucy!" Caitlin yelled out.

"i will call her." Sam stated and walked back to her bag and pulled out her phone. Kyra checking social media, because it was obviously something on your Phone that had upset you. Thanks to Google she had found what she was looking for. Showing it to Sam who was dealing Lucys number.

"that's bad." Sam said and frowned softly.

"it really is." Everyone agreed.

"Sam? What's wrong?" Lucy asked right away. Having a bad feeling.

"uh, we lost your Kid!" Sam stated.

"you did what?!what the hell happened?!" Lucy yelled into the Phone so Sam had to hold it away from her ear.

"technically she ran away. And we think we know why. Kyra found pretty nasty comments about Y/n being diagnosed and the newest ones are talking about she being yours and Chelseas charity Project! Among other nasty comments like her parents probably giving her away cause they knew about her having Autism and ADHD." Sam explained. This was of course not true. Your birth parents both were drug addicts. To the start of your Life was really rough.

"that's not okay and not true at all. She is my kid. No matter what. Those people are cruel and hateful." Lucy answered. She was angry with the people who were mean to you.

"we all know this and so does y/n. She is probably just shocked or overwhelmed." Sam admitted. "Kyra tried calling her but she won't pick up." She added.

"is there a lake nearby? She likes to sit there when she is overwhelmed." Lucy explained.

"there is! I will see If i can find her and talk to her. Gonna let you know what's going on soon!" Sam said.

"yes please." Lucy stated.

Sam went to look for you with the help of Mini and Steph. Turned out Lucy was right. You indeed sat at the nearby lake.

"y/n, hey..." Sam said softly, sitting down next to you. Mini did the same so you sat in the middle of them.

"hey...sorry for running away." You answered.

"it's okay. We saw the comments. Kyra found them." Mini explained.

"oh." Was all you said.

"they aren't true, though." Sam told you. You looked away for a bit. Trying to collect your thoughts before you spoke up again. Saying that you deep down knew about them not being true but you often struggled with being in your head alot.

Mini and Sam walked to the Hotel with you and you called Lucy.

"kiddo, hey. Glad to see you." Lucy said softly.

"glad to see you too. I heard you knew what happened." You stated.

"i did. Those comments are a lie. You are my daughter no matter what. Not a charity Project. I Love you, Kid." She told you.

"i Love you too,Mom." You answered. This was the first time you called her that. You noticed her tearing up.

"aww y/n." She said softly.

"are you crying?" You asked.

"No i got something in my eye!" She stated and smiled gently. You talked for almost an hour before you had to get back with the team. Cause tomorrow you would start in your first game. But you also looked forward to getting back to England and see Lucy again.

[daretolovemyrambling]

ARCANE: unreliable narrators (Silco and Vander focused) PART 1

I haven't really been in this tag/fandom before the season 2 finale, but can we talk about how both Vander and Silco are unreliable narrators? Especially when it comes to their flashback scenes?

I don't get why i've seen so many take the flashbacks we got in the show at face value. The show makes clear time and time again that when we get a flashback from the point of view of a single character, they are an unreliable narrator.

some examples of other characters:

on the left: biased/not the reality (character's memory/pov) vs on the right: unbiased/reality (our, the viewers, pov)

I'm going to use video clips and transcripts of the memories because I can't just gif like 5 minutes of scenes. Since you can only have one video per post, I will have to post this in several parts.

Let's start with Warwick's memories from 2x5:

We see that the memory of Warwick in episode 2x5 is all over the place, memories from the past 15-20 years come flooding back in bits and pieces. 

In the first moment of this scene we see Warwick running through the mines, then we see Singed who has experimented on him, we see the Monkey Toy aggressively banging it's cymbals against each other, then we see a younger looking Silco about to swing something at an enforcer, for a split second the Monkey's face replaces Silco's, we see that it was a bottle bomb and set that enforcer on fire.

I think this represents Silco's almost obsessive nature when it came to their fight for Zaun's freedom, the Monkey overwhelms you with it's loud noise the same way Silco likely overwhelmed Vander with his ruthless actions.

the next scene, Silco looks horrified at Vander and we cut to Vander drowning Silco, then back to the moment Vander (and likely Silco) discover Felicia's lifeless body. 

We see a moment of Vander punching an enforcer with his gauntlets from 1x1, cut to the Monkey's face again, then we see Warwick's perspective of the prison fight with the enforcers in 2x4 (we see him choke one of them out with his claws) and slashing several more of them brutally.

Finally, we cut back to the mines were he hallucinates a toddler-aged Powder crying her little eyes out (it looks like something that actually happened. I think this might be a moment shortly after he takes in the girls. Powder looks like she just woke up from a nightmare, her body language is shy and scared). He softly wipes the tears away with his left hand (same hand he used to choke Silco and an enforcer just a few moments earlier) 

Powder's face turns into Jinx and then pre-teen Powder and we follow Powder's lifeless gaze to Felicia dancing at the Jukebox, before finally, Vander images a Silco shortly after the murder attempt, this Silco is still dripping wet from the lake (and he uses his signature glass) but smiles at Vander invitingly (likely a moment that actually happend but was warped by the many nightmares Vander likely had about what he did).

The idea that Silco escalated the Bridge Riot and thus caused the death of many Zaunites, including Felicia and Connol, is definitely supported by this short memory, but it's *not* the only way you can read the scene. Vander's memories are evidently completely scrambled, he is remembering the worst moments of his life all at once.

It's just as valid to say that Silco was not there during the Bridge Scene in season 1 episode 1 as to say that he was!

That is what makes unreliable narrators so interesting, we can make assumptions to what happend, but if we don't get an unbiased view at a scene, we don't know for sure if it happend the way the narrator imagined it.

Examples where we have unbiased flashbacks would be flashbacks like Mel's childhood in 1x8 and the Bar scene with Felicia in 2x5. In these scenes we don't follow the pov of one character, of course information is still omitted from us to an extend, but we can make our own assumption instead of seeing the biased/narrow pov of a single character.

[riririnnnn]

You know, majority of the Fandom including myself seem to have forgotten that another match is going on alongside BM Vs PxG:

Nagi has been miserable since the BM match and considering this panel:

I can place a safe bet that THIS is probably the BEST time to reveal Nagi's backstory. I mean, this has happened earlier too: a brilliant player goes downhill -> backstory revealed -> the player makes a comeback. Of course, there are chances that Nagi will make a comeback without his backstory being revealed, but I can't think of any other better moment than what we currently have.

I understand that many of you are getting confused now like Nagi's backstory? Huh? Don't we know a lot about him already—we, literally, have a spin-off Manga of him!?

And you are not wrong, but it ISN'T his backstory—it is just his story BEFORE he got into Blue Lock/Soccer while a backstory explains why a person is the way they are, and we surely don't know why Nagi is the way he is.

You might argue that, "Some people are just lazy without any reason," and I agree, I wholeheartedly agree with it and that's exactly what I thought about Nagi too until I saw this:

And my whole life turned upside down.

I did know about his parents' Laissez-faire method way before, but at that time I didn't think about the effect it might have had on Nagi's character as a whole.

Of course, I don't have a first-hand experience in parenting, but I do have a first-hand experience in being parented—some children are just naturally independent and CAN do things on their own at the first try (my sibling) while some children NEED someone to guide them around until they become comfortable enough (me), so considering Nagi's behaviour, I kinda think that hands off parenting wasn't the one for him 'cause this:

isn't exactly something to be happy about, you know. Yes, yes, I understand the deeper meaning of it, but you get the gist of what I'm trying to say, right?

Speaking from personal experience again, people who had to take care of themselves from a young age and had to carry their own responsibilities usually turn into a very hardworking, considerate and kind person or they become 'lazy' like Nagi—they burnout.

One more thing to note about the burnout 'lazy' people are that they are very efficient in whatever they do 'cause they used to have so many things to do in their hands that they just naturally happen to follow the least energy consuming path which in turn becomes a habit—no wonder Nagi got into Hakuho and is usually good in whatever he does.

Further, I do think that some times, his parents kind of nearly appear neglectful:

If my calculations are right, then he was only 15 years old when he moved out into a new place in a new city on his own. He was also fresh outta middle school! Crazy!

And no, we actually haven't gotten any 'neglected child' backstory till now—from a broader perspective, Kaiser had abuse as his backstory while Lorenzo had abandonment as his backstory.

Him being an unintentionally neglected child also explains why he went along with whatever Reo told him to do.

You see, judging by Episode Nagi Chapter 22.5 alone, he seems like someone who appreciates actions and words, and that's exactly what Reo has been doing from the start. Reo has shown his efforts openly to him—he is very verbal which was something Nagi's parents, probably, weren't.

I don't think it's very surprising if someone who is craving for validation and affection for his whole life gets attached to someone who finally gives them everything that they wanted and needed.

What do you guys think?

[bloggingboutburgers]

this past week my qpp of almost two years broke up with me. and i know for you, you said you wouldn't necessarily feel heartbroken if your qpr came to an end, but for me, it felt more heartbreaking than some of my past romantic breakups. this whole thing made me wonder if maybe im not queerplatonic or aro enough to be in a qpr, or if id ever want to be in a qpr again. but seeing you post about your qpr gives me hope that queerplatonic love is something that i can experience fully. so thank you for always sharing your story, because that's what's helping me heal right now <3

Aah, to be perfectly honest, as much as I sorta "downplay" it compared to what it must feel for people who experience romantic attraction... I've had a time where I almost felt like I couldn't go on with my QPP as well and the sheer thought of it was really hard to bear too, so my words here aren't necessarily being very fair to the reality of things.

It was during the travel ban of March 2020 to November 2021 where citizens of my country and others weren't allowed to enter the US unless we spent 15 days in a country that wasn't banned. It made it much harder than usual to visit my partner and as it was nearing 2 years with nobody aware it was going on anymore and US people more concerned about whether they'd be able to have turkey for Thanksgiving, my hope was running really thin. So for a few days in mid-October, as I was at rock bottom, I was starting to write in passing to my partner about how maybe going on wasn't worth it because the separation was too hard on us, it wasn't showing signs of stopping, and the whole thing maybe wasn't worth the pain if they could live their life happily and not have to worry about me who couldn't visit.

And then we videocalled at some point, and when they tearfully told me that even if it did end then and there, they wanted me to keep the promise ring they'd recently given me, I suddenly felt a quiet rage in me going like "No. Fuck this. Look at them. I love them. And I love this too much to allow some cruel governmental decision to end it. If it ever ends, it'll be because WE want it to end. Not because of shit like this."

...I'm making it sound super dramatic but yeah long story short this is also a big reason why we're planning to get married. So that when the US government decides to put a ban on countries including mine again, they can't stop us from vibing together this time.

I guess... I still don't wanna 100% assume we'll be together forever because I don't wanna trap them in a situation they may no longer feel happy in. We're doing great now, but I still have it in the back of my mind that maybe someday they'll get sick of me (they say they never will and that'd be dope if they never did, but never say never and all), or we'll both just want other things, and if it ends like that, then... Yeah, that'd be alright. Much more alright than the way it almost ended.

(...Oh, and for the record, if a friendship of mine ended abruptly, or if my brothers stopped being on good terms with me, I'm pretty sure I'd be just as heartbroken, to be fair. And it'd feel like my reality was collapsing a little. I guess anything ending, any human connection ending, has that effect to a degree, if it's important enough, after all.)

Though describing things like that does make it a bit harder to define what makes it "queerplatonic" as opposed to "romantic", I still... Just have that feeling in my gut that it isn't romance, y'know? It's kinda... A mix between being close friends and being an old married couple without ever having gone through the grandiose passion-honeymoon phase. Maybe that phase IS what defines romance per se. I don't know. Maybe someday I'll find more answers, but it's kinda hard to find answers when you have no idea how romance works to begin with I guess 🙈

In any case... Sorry if I caused any confusion or if I made you question your validity. The thing is pretty simple to be honest: if you feel you're aro, you're veeeeeery likely to BE aro. Because nobody can make that call but you and nobody can name the relationships you have but you. And if amongst everything you even FOUND the words "aro" or "queerplatonic" in a world where those identities and types of relationships are so aggressively hidden or erased, then it's gotta stand for something.

...I guess at the very least THIS I can be certain of TwT Sorry I'm a bit messy about all of this myself, I'm still also going on about it trying to figure it out day by day, but I owed it to you and everyone to be honest. These things are hard to define and I hope to keep finding better and better words to do so someday. TwT

[doumadono]

EMERGENCY REQUEST ( ALSO TW FOR SA MENTION I BEG YOU TO NOT READ THIS POST IF NOT IN A GOOD PLACE OF MIND AND THIS HAS HAPPENED TO YOU! )

So I'm drunk right now, to be honest. So sorry if this comes out a bit weird.

I'm realizing my family is full of r***ist apologists, they had said my first real BF couldn't be blamed for ruining my life as he has a kid, despite him serially abusing me for a year straight from ages 15-16.

Then my other ex, my second long term relationship : He was 34-35 and I was 22. So, yeah, he knew of my trauma and exploited it. Forced me to do sexual actions I was NOT okay with, and threatened me with those.

I'm realizing I was groomed and I wouldn't mind ( would really love ) if I could get a Hitoshi x AFAB reader ( they them pronouns ) who is kind of.. traumatized... before their "intimate" acts. He reassures Them that it is okay, and no matter what he still loves them.

( Points if the act doesn't continue, points if they end up tearing up and he wipes their tears, kisses their cheek and comforts them. Asking them if they truly want to continue, making them feel safe, valued and loved, etc etc )

A/N: I'm truly sorry to hear that you've had to go through such difficult experiences with your family and past relationships. It's disheartening to encounter people who don't recognize the gravity of abuse or trauma. Your experiences should never be diminished or brushed aside. Your feelings and your healing process are valid, and you deserve understanding and empathy

EMERGENCY REQS MASTERLIST

In the dimly lit room, Hitoshi Shinso could sense the palpable tension in the air as he gazed into the eyes of his partner. The shadows of their past haunted them, their trauma casting long, dark shadows across their soul. They, a person of determination, a survivor of their own battles, had never let their past dictate their future. But now, as they lay at the precipice of intimacy, those old wounds resurfaced with a vengeance.

As they began to undress, they couldn't help but feel a suffocating weight on their chest. Every touch, every intimate gesture, seemed to trigger the memories they had tried so hard to bury.

Hitoshi noticed the subtle change in their demeanor, how their breathing became shallow and their hands trembled. He placed his hands on their shoulders, his touch gentle and reassuring, and softly spoke, "Hey, I want you to know something, something I need you to truly understand. Your past doesn't define you. I'm here with you in this moment, and I love you for who you are right now. You can talk to me."

They shifted nervously, averting their gaze, and it was evident that the memories that had once tormented them were still fresh in their mind. "I know you do," they whispered, their voice quivering. "But sometimes… I can't help but feel like I'm not good enough, like I'm too broken." They covered themselves with a blanket, hiding their nakedness and the contours of their breasts from his glance.

Hitoshi cupped their face, gently guiding them to meet his eyes. "You're not broken. You're a work of art, and every scar on your soul is a brushstroke in your masterpiece. I love you for all that you are, even the parts that you may consider broken. Please, understand that."

Their eyes welled up with tears, the emotional floodgates threatening to burst open. Hitoshi wiped away a tear that had escaped, his thumb grazing their cheek ever so gently. He leaned in and planted a tender kiss on their forehead, a symbol of his unwavering love and support. "It's okay to be vulnerable, to be afraid. I have those moments every now and then. We don't have to continue if you're not ready. Your feelings are valid, and I'm here to make sure you feel safe, valued, and loved. I'll willingly wait."

They sniffled, gripping his shirt tightly as though it were an anchor in a stormy sea. "I want to," they whispered, their voice fragile. "But it's just… hard."

Hitoshi's arms wrapped around them in a protective embrace, and he held them close, his heart aching for their pain. "We can take it slow, at your pace. We can stop at any moment. I'm not going anywhere, and I'm not judging you. Your trust means everything to me."

The room was heavy with emotion, but it was a different kind of heaviness now, one born of shared vulnerability and trust. Shinso continued to hold them, allowing them to find their strength. He knew that healing took time, and he was willing to wait as long as it took.

"I love you," he whispered, his words a soothing balm for their wounded heart. "You are so incredibly strong, and I'm honored to be a part of your life." Shinso held them close to his chest, and his steady heartbeat slowly soothed the storm of emtions raging within them.

Their tears flowed freely now, and they looked up at him with a mixture of gratitude and affection. "I love you too, Shinso," they murmured, their voice filled with emotion. "Can we… Can we try some other time? I don't think I'm mentally ready just yet…"

"That's all that matters. Let's take this one step at a time."

They nodded, their trust in him deepening with each passing moment. The darkness of their past may have cast its long shadow, but in the embrace of Shinso's love, they found the strength to face it and, together, emerge into the light of a new beginning.

[marshmallowprotection]

My mystic messenger phases come and go ever since I was young, like 15 years old young. But I always loved saeran with all my heart.

Recently I got a disgnosis, an incurable disease I'll live with forever now, which crushes me. I was healthy one day, and doing poorly the next.

In these kinds of times, I visit your page. As I've done for years whenever a bad thing happens. I love reading the things you come up with and your beautiful headcanons and fics.

In my mind, it always feels like saeran is there with me, coming to the hospital with me, telling me to take my meds, hahaha.

I just wanted to let you know the impact your writing has on others. You are always the first blog i will come to when I need to read something to cheer me up ☺️ have a wonderful day, please. You are incredible.

Hey, Anon! I appreciate the love and care you've given me, and I just want you to know you're not alone. Chronic Illness can happen at any time, and while you may be grieving right now, I want you to know it will be okay. Grief is a cycle, and you will feel all five stages again and again, but please, don't lose hope in finding the peaceful stage again when you hit the vulnerable lows. You're allowed to fully grieve, to be angry, to be tired, and to be frustrated. But, you're also allowed to be happy, accepting, and at peace.

All those feelings can exist, either separately or at the same time, it's hard to explain but you'll know it when you feel it. I have many health conditions myself, and they've changed the way I have to live day by day. There are times when I'm upset and times when I feel at peace... and both of those feelings? Valid. There's no right or wrong way to let yourself experience these feelings. I hope nobody tells you otherwise.

It's taken me a long time to get to a place where I can recognize that, but I hope you'll take that to heart.

Now, for the uplifting part with Saeran! Saeran knows what it feels like to be sick. He spent his entire childhood always on the edge of life and death, and Saeyoung fought hard to make sure he had food to eat and occasionally, medication to stave off a cold before it had a chance to turn into pneumonia. It was exhausting, but he didn't know there was any other way to live because life dealt him a hard hand.

But, now that he's older, things may not be perfect, because his health is still worse for wear, but he's learning how to help himself. He's learning there's assistive devices to help him! There's all kinds of medication that can help his nausea, exhaustion, and allergies! There is a sense of hope he never had before, and while he knows that's not a perfect fix—it makes life feel tolerable, and sometimes, it does the most to make it feel enjoyable.

A little bit of medication, reasonable doctors, accessibility aids, and friends who care to listen when you need to be heard always makes a world of difference, doesn't it? Saeran will be there with you every step of the way and don't you dare doubt it. He's there, holding your hand, reminding you that you're strong, but it's okay to cry, too. You don't have to be the model sick person, you're allowed to be yourself and experience your emotions as they come.

"It's okay, my Love. Whenever you feel the sunlight kiss your cheeks as you walk into the hospital, that's me... reminding you to look up at the clouds before you do anything else. I want you to tell me what you see... no matter what it is. I'd like to think whatever you see is a sign of the day to come. Hahaha, do you want to know what I saw this morning? A cloud shaped like a heart, of course!"

[rock-a-noodle]

Watching Channel Chasers as an adult is.....a much different experience than watching it as a kid. It speaks more directly to me as an adult.

Like the special is a little over twenty years old at this point, which is the same amount of time into the future the time skip takes place. While I was nine when it first premiered, I am now thirty, the same age as adult!Timmy when he goes into the future. I feel like I'm traveling back in time and hanging out with my kid self when watching this film.

The moral of the episode while very heavy handed, is so important-the act of listening to each other, validation and communication. Timmy learns to listen to and respect his parents, while his parents realize that Vicky is evil. And that in order to grow up to be a cool badass adult, Timmy needs to open up his mind and grow up a tad. Yeah, Timmy is ten, so he has plenty of time, but he needs to reel in his hyperfixation so it's not to the point of life consumption or interfering with his life (his was Maho Mushi, mine was....Fairly Odd Parents and Danny Phantom lmfao). I too struggled with balancing hyperfixations and a healthy attachment to reality and being responsible.

I went through a phase where I didn't want to listen to my parents (11-15 ish), but thankfully I got over that and they've been my biggest fans and allies. While Timmy's parents tend to go back to the status quo, in this movie adult Timmy reflects on how his reparation of his relationship with his parents helped him to grow into a badass and heroic adult, further preventing a dictatorship from Vicky, and teaches his younger self to appreciate them more. Like they're oblivious to Vicky, but once dealing with that obstacle, they step up a bit.

Like Timmy in the movie, I'm proud of who I've become. I'm way more selfless, self-aware, considerate, level-headed and mature. I have a good career, decent enough health, and I feel stronger emotionally. Though sadly like Timmy, I am living in a future with a dictator wannabe running things (praying it changes for the better-which makes the fact that Bitch Fartman is a supporter of whoever is currently president right now makes it all the more darkly ironic and saddening).

In a weird way, although School's Out: The Musical came out the summer after Channel Chasers, I feel like CC should've came after canonically speaking, with the themes of growing up and the whatnot.

"You...can change the future."

"But if I do, you won't exist!"

"Sure I will. And I'll exist in a future worth getting into. You can do it, Timmy. You're a great kid. I know."

[books-and-strawberry-tea]

Fourth Wing Review

★★★★☆

This took me a few days to write. What could I say about Fourth Wing that hasn't already been said? This book has been insanely popular for a few years now, and I've only just gotten around to reading it.

So I guess I'll talk about my feelings instead of the books story itself.

I...loved it. It took me a bit to get in to. Maybe 10%-15%. Which to be fair, is still pretty early. But I had stayed away from any spoilers (somehow, idk how that happened), because I didn't want to know anything. I wanted to know if the hype was worth it. So I wanted to remain as neutral as possible. I wouldn't say I necessarily love the book with all my being and soul. But it definitely has made it's way up my list as one of the better books I've read. That being said, I still really loved it. Hence the 4 star rating.

One thing I will not forget, is how this book made me ugly cry in public before work. At the 80-90% mark, when....Liam...IYKYK. Fucking hell!!! I was not expecting to cry so much before I had to go serve customers. Started with my nose tingling, then my eyes stinging, and it just went down hill from there. Why, may you ask, was I outside? Let's be honest, I don't go outside if I don't have to. I worked 10+ days straight the week I read this book. I read any time I could, on the bus, before my shift, again when I took the bus home, before bed. Any chance I could. I just had to know what was going to happen next.

The smut came in alot later then I expected. I was told that it came in really quick. And maybe not plot wise, but character development wise, I can see that as a valid argument. But I got to be honest, 70% into the book, filled with tension and angst of Xaden and Violet not liking each other, and quickly turn to something more. HEHE! (You can tell I enjoyed this book cause I remembered their names off the bat! If I don't really like a book, my adhd yeets that sort of information. So if I can remember their names, it's really telling'.)

If you like war, fantasy, romance, and ofc dragons, you'd like this book. I was actually surprised though. In my own experience, most content for dragons that I've been exposed to, the dragons are all goofy and silly. Or at least a tad comical in some way. But Tairn and Andarna were anything but that and I lived for it!! They straight away comanded respect, and had a very forward aura of "Fuck around and find out!" People sure did with Andarna that's for sure. RIP you foul suckers. (Again, IYKYK).

Tairn and Andarna were absolutely the stars of the book for me. Their dialogue, the way they were written, the interactions they had with humans and each other, was so incredibly enjoyable. And yes, I've already been looking at merch for these two cause I'm utterly obsessed.

Also that fucking ending??? HOLY SHIT!!! Talk about dropping a bomb right at the last second!!! This was unfortunately the only thing that was spoiled for me. I didn't know exactly how this was going to unfold, but the fact he is alive?? Like wow!! Even before the spoiler, that was not on my radar at all.

Side note that I forgot to mention, I actually listened to the Graphic Audio while reading this. Which, game changer!! All the voice acting, sound affects, dragon roars, battle sounds/music. Really tops just listening to fantasy music playlist while reading. Graphic Audio's are my new obsession while reading, if a GA exists for the book I'm reading, you bet I'll be listening to it while reading. It's so much more immersive. Especially in big scenes that are dramatic, of plot heavy, OR FUCKING EMOTIONAL!!! Def's recommend.

[communist-hatsunemiku]

wanted to write about Annie(pseudonym ofc). This 92 year old woman i took care of tonight, walked with a walker, and was almost blind, she could see shadows(tbh in a well lit room she does pretty good). It was her bath day, and she wanted to try the whirlpool tub, instead of a regular shower.

The whirlpool tub, in my line of work, is a tub that has a sealing door, and a special raising and lowering chair that we use to get people in and out of it. Even if you can't walk at all, we can use lifts and the like to get you into this 'shower chair' as it's called and then into the tub. The tub itself is pretty nice, it's like a personal jacuzzi, has air jets, soap bubbles, it's a nice tub I wouldn't mind in my own house tbh.

Annie was pretty stoaked about trying it, she'd never been in anything like it as far as I could tell. She was in her late 50s when a sister treated her to her first manicure ever, and then she lamented about how some 5 year old granddaughter got one done as part of a birthday party thing. Not in a bitter 'fuck those kids way', just a "I kinda missed out" way.

She revealed during the bath that she had never worn makeup in her life, and that fact saved her husband a lot of money, and therefore didn't need any soap to wash her face, not sure how valid or invalid that claim is, but no soap it was. I think I just said 'wow', mind you I'm on hour 15 of a 16 hour shift after getting no sleep. I was focused on the task at hand mostly lol.

Multiple times before we even got into the tub, she kept saying "this is quite the experience, quite the experience". And it is! It's a slow and careful process getting a 92 year old woman into this thing without her slipping or falling, you cannot rush these things. When we finally got into the tub she loved it of course, but being the humble practical woman she is, she kept asking me how long she was suppose to be in there and what to do next, and infact we can't let the residents sit too long because their skin will prune, obviously, and this can be really bad. Skin breakdown(my number one enemy) is basically already jumpstarted, so you get them clean and get them out and get them dry.

she loved the whole thing, it's extremely rare i work with someone who is just so ecstatic to be doing something like this in a facility like this. she called her son(? i think) right after and was immediately, didnt even say hello, like "guess what, i just got a WHIRLPOOL and it was WONDERFUL, im so RELAXED"

and even tho i was very tired and loopy, it was the highlight of my day.

[dana-chan-the-control-brain]

Same anon with that whole "bit" thing. As a fellow Solar simp, your feelings are totally valid. Solar even had to repeatedly say "He was literally going to kill me" regarding the Monty from his dimension. Honestly, the only lighthearted question in that entire podcast was "how do you feel about coffee?" And probably the whole bald thing.

But can I just say that when I heard Solar say that he learned the toxic masculinity from the Barbie movie, I am 100% sure that Earth got him to watch with her because I don't think he would watch it otherwise on his own. And it made me think of how underappreciated the fact that Earth has a really good influence on Sun, Moon, Lunar, and Solar with regards to, you know, the experiences of women, patriarchy, and such. I might sound stupid right now and I know there are people who will eye-roll this but I believe Earth being unapologetically feminine in a "household" full of men is a great thing.

The other lighthearted question was about anime, but that was fairly ruined.

Puppet could have had an anime buddy and blew it cus of Monty.

(and my 15 year old self is just crying cus Solar doesn't like naruto. ;w; But also as a naruto fan... Like... I GET IT.. I totally get it)

But yeah. Solar's whole podcast felt like an interrogation, at least compared to the others. So I wouldn't be too shocked if Monty just hates Solar's guts off the grounds that he's an Eclipse.

And yeah, he mostly watched the Barbie Movie with Earth. Like Earth has literally made everyone watch the Barbie movies with her. (long term hyperfixations for the win)

And yes, I like that Earth is unapologetically feminine. It's one of her best features! I honestly think that by Solar's definition, that would define Old Moon as Toxically Masculine as well in a way. Since he insisted on doing things on his own and he had to be the one to "save" his brother. Moon had to be the strong and smart one, Sun had to be the dumb and happy one to keep him happy.

And Old Moon I don't think did that maliciously. (maybe sometimes) but I do think he genuinely loved Sun.

Earth has really been a positive influence on Sun when he was greiving, Moon, as he was just coming into himself as a new person, and Lunar who revived from the dead. Earth was also very helpful in making Solar feel welcomed in this dimension. (so fuck off Monty really. Your GF likes Solar here.)

Sun and Moon properly communicating with eachother, and Sun actually having a lot better coping mechanisms are a direct result of Earth's influence.

Sun is even healthy to the point out in Castor faults in himself and then direct those coping techniques he learned outwards to help other people.

And that is 100% due to Earth's influence, empathy and femineity.

Earth is great honestly.

[vanteguccir]

heyyy loveeee so this is just a little rant :) (you don’t gotta respond tbh)

So I actually wanna make an Aupair year in California when I graduate school in like- 4 years. But I’m a huge family person and I don’t know if I’ll survive (I love being dramatic) without my family. Cause while I’m in America they’ll be in Germany. but on the other hand, my plans for my future are all far away from Germany (cause I hate Germany and my fuck ass city). but I low-key really wanna do it for the experience. Another thing I’m not sure about is if I’m gonna make friends or if it’s gonna be an emotional crisis. Cause I’m pretty introverted and with my social anxiety I don’t really talk to strangers🙂

second thing is- I kinda had a fallout with my best friends. I’m starting to believe that I’m the problem here lol. Anyways. We often talk about politics a shit and she *very* often says some very racist shit. And since two weeks or so her other two best friend, who are also my best friends, started saying that too. In general we argue a lot about opinions. for example today i said trans and non binary people should be respected and treated properly and they said they wanna go to Russia cause trans people are killed there for coming out cause it’s “inhuman”. Tf? They call themselves feminists btw…🥲💀

another one of these was that they said their standard was that their future boyfriends always have to pay for food, etc. and then I said that that shouldnt be the norm cause if they date boys their age, so 15 or 16, they’re just as broke as they are. I mean okay- they can pay once or twice. But not always. And they considered my opinion as “low standard”. Bitch be fr😭

there are a lot of other things they say that trigger me. Like about my crush and all. They always make fun of me for liking him and all. But that’s a whole other story.

anywaysss I hope you’re okay and doing well💞💓💞💕🩷💘💖

love youuuu💋

omg hey angel!!! thank you sm for trusting me with this ☹️🤍

first of all: you're SO valid for everything you're feeling rn. wanting to explore the world but also being scared of the distance from your family? yeah, that's totally normal. you're allowed to be dramatic about it too btw, that’s how we process things! being a family person doesn't mean you can't go after your dreams, it just means you’ll miss them a lot, and that’s okay. you’ll also grow so much, and they’ll be so proud of you when they see the person you become after that experience 🥹

about making friends, i feel you 100%. social anxiety can make the idea of meeting new people feel like a big battle, BUT you’d be surprised how many people you’ll meet who are just as nervous and soft as you. and honestly? just one or two people who make you feel safe can change the whole game 💖

now onto the "friends" situation... okay yeah, no. your gut feeling is right. people saying racist/transphobic/misogynistic things while calling themselves feminists?? nah babe that’s ✨ performative ✨ and so not it. you are not the problem for standing up for human rights. you’re not dramatic. you’re not sensitive. you’re literally being a decent person, and you should NEVER feel bad for that. you deserve friends who make you feel seen, not small 🫶🏻

also?? they make fun of you for having a crush?? girl bye. crushes are cute and fun and NOTHING to be embarrassed about, they’re just jealous that your heart is open enough to feel something. don’t ever let someone make you feel weird for liking someone. they don’t deserve to be that close to you if they treat your feelings like a joke

it might be lonely for a bit, but letting go of people who constantly hurt you opens space for the right ones to come in. and those people? they’ll match your energy, and support your opinions. it’ll be worth the wait

you’ve got a beautiful future ahead, even if it feels foggy right now. please keep holding on to your dreams, California will be lucky to have you ☹️🤍

sending you all the cozy, safe, loving vibes in the world 🤍

[differentalpacafestival]

My AuDHD rant;

I realised something recently.

So I got diagnosed AuDHD (autistic and ADHD for anyone who might not understand) in 2023. Since my autism diagnosis, I've read up on what autism actually is and how it's impacting my life.

I bought a book from Amazon by Devon Price, Unmasking Autism, and I've only made it to like page 50 in a year, but I've still learned a lot that should've been obvious from the beginning. For instance, that people are different. Like, yeah, no shit, no one is the same through and through, but to me, the biggest difference between people were certain opinions like views on racism, homosexuality, human rights etc. Mostly things that matter to someone else, and not one self. However, from Devon's book, I realised that autism *is* a spectrum, I *am* a person, and just because I have *this* autistic experience, doesn't mean my AuDHD friend has the same, or Devon, or my family members. Like an opinion, autism is not black and white; it varies vastly from person to person and I am one of them. I look at black and brown people as people, whereas my brother sees them as objects; something owned, replacable. I look at non binary as a valid gender identity (also might be bias because I am non binary), whereas my mother thinks of it as confusion, lack of masuline or feminine figures from early life stages.

I also finally started to understand that I, as a person, have an innate right to be me. I have a right to stim when stressed, I have a right to decide myself what helps me regulate and when I need it, and I have a right to voice my discomfort with people, situations, feelings. I have a right to be angry, upset, sensitive, sad, offended, excited, nervous. I have a right to be me. After understanding what masking means, and that I have been taught to highly mask who I am, I realised that I'm not just being sensitive, or childish, or rude even. I have been traumatised from masking, pushing myself too far. I'm burnt out from having to consider everyone else's comfort above my own; to shield my mother from stress caused by me; to respect my brother's privacy and toys and not get angry whenever he didn't towards me; to stop complaining about my bullies at school; to stop being 'boring'; to not get upset if someone overstepped boundaries; to not get so angry if my fork or spoon was dirty and I had to use something else. Sure, some of these have actually been reasonable in some cases, but for the most part, I have only been me.

The fact that I had to start this journey by myself, against literally everyone's opinion, is so stressful to think about. When I first figured out I was depressed, my mother said I was overreacting. When I realised I had social anxiety, I was told to not self diagnose. When I first suspected ADHD when I was 15, I was told, again, to stop self diagnosing online, and that the fact that I scored like 80% on multiple self tests over a prolonged period didn't matter because the internet lies and all of these things are normal. Then in 2021 I started to get spammed with autistic experiences across all platforms, I decided to ignore it all because I'm only self diagnosing and overreacting again. It didn't matter that I related to every single thing I heard, it's normal. Everybody feels this way at one point or another. ADHD is climbing walls, autism is being retarded and throwing tantrums, anxiety is isolating one self at all times, depression is just being sad. In 2018 my therapist literally said, and I quote, "Depression and anxiety are just symptoms. They're nothing to worry about, it's not dangerous," and then proceeded to advance on me. He wanted me to go, alone, to the mall at the most busy day of the week to "expose myself". This was our first session. Needless to say, by the time he wanted this to happen, I was no longer his patient. We had three sessions total.

Before getting diagnosed, I had six psychologists, two social workers, nearly twenty school nurses (yes, nurses; not visits), a handful of friends (four, to be exact) who disappeared and got replaced, one parent, a long history of physical, verbal and emotional abuse both at home and at school, from my age and adults, extremely isolated, chronically online from the ripe age of 8 (around 2010), extraordinary IQ for my age to quote my first ever nurse, nearly 50% absence each year which worsened year by year, dangerously high empathy to the point I literally attempted suicide from someone else's feelings, great grades despite no homework and constant daydreaming, abnormal sense for languages and music, not once a normal or healthy eating habit, and much more. No one ever even suspected autism. I was never the stereotypical hyper kid, so I don't necessarily blame anyone for missing ADHD.

I can understand my mom not catching on considering her level of stress, and pure lack of information, but from the insane amount of healthworkers I've been in contact with? For twenty years no one ever took me seriously. I had to have an unhealthy long list of reasons I thought I had autism, traits I related to, every psychologist I'd ever been to, why I started going to them, what we did and talked about, why we stopped, how helpful I found our sessions, and even proof of why I wasn't just traumatized. I tried to see an ADHD specialist in 2021, to which, by the way, my doctor advised me against because I can't tell anyone I suspect ADHD since no one will take me seriously. I was denied even an interview because they deducted I, literally quoting, had daddy issues. When I wrote a letter complaining about their lack of professionalism and why I meant they should at least get me an interview, they replied saying I hadn't asked for this to go to their superiors so my case was officially closed. I never tried again because I was so sick of not being taken seriously. In 2022, my doctor figured I needed more professional help. He referred me to another psychologist. They never got back to me, so the national backup plan reached out and set an interview with me where I told them about my mental health situation, my history in the field, why I was referred and what I expected from them. I was then forgotten for half a year until my school nurse at the time helped me call them back and sort things out. The next week I had my first session with a private psychiatrist. Within a month, I was diagnosed with autism, the next 7 months were mapping out my traits and symptoms as well as regularly filling out a form of ADHD based statements to see if it was just a mood or a consistant topic, in November I was diagnosed with ADHD and for the next three months we experimented with medicine. I wound up hallucinating from all of them, and by March 1st this year (2024) we were done. One year with her lead me to two long expected diagnoses, one new medication and a new outlook and perspective on my life and health. With these, I've now started the process of being permanently unemployed with benefits.

If one person, at any point in my life, didn't view me as a victim and rather a whole person, I could've avoided so much stress and unnecassary burn out. I could've already been in a much better place, but instead I'm still trying to piece together the puzzle of myself and how I can best get the help I need and proceed with my life as disabled. I have five unfinished years of upper secondary (college for y'all Americans). I could've only gone through one and been better off, but to be able to get to where I am today, I *had* to go through the dehumanizing struggles and depressive episodes. I had to be completely torn to shreds to the point I almost got diagnosed with psychosis from the permanently damaging stress from school. I had to fail five years and drop out from exhaustion and reaking of failure to have my primary doctor take me seriously. I had to have a social worker with me for him to see that all the trauma I've been through, has, in fact, settled in my body, so he could finally give me reassurance through the Fibromyalgia diagnosis in May 2022. I had to be seen as batshit crazy. I had to prove to tenfolds of professional health workers that I do think there's something not working the way society wants me to work. I had to be persistent all my life for anyone to think that maybe I do have a point. And you know the most heartbreaking fact about all of this? I'm not the oldest going through this. There are people in their 30s, 40s, 50s, 80s finally being taken seriously and looked upon as human. There are well grown adults, even elders, finally understanding why they have been ostracized, dehumanized, exhausted, stressed, in pain all their lives. My mother, who turns 60 next year, only found out through me being diagnosed, that maybe she too has ADHD. This would explain so much of her struggles, both from herself and from society. The expectations put are inhumane and nearly impossible to hold up, and they keep getting worse.

To be a genZ and see older generations belittle us for speaking up and saying enough is enough is so enraging. Being called sensitive for not tolerating racist jokes, sexist remarks, priveleged behaviours, or inhumane political opinions just goes to show that humanity has failed as a species, and we *need* to change that.

Thanks for coming to my Ted Talks. As a final statement, I'd like to speak on behalf of all autistics across the world with this; do not comment "is (he/she/they/it) accoustic?" if you, yourself, are not on the autism spectrum. It is so incredibly rude and disrespectful, and if you get angry whenever someone tells you so, you are the problem. Also, Asperger's is offensive. It's autism. Thank you, Goodnight.

[ender--slime]

i wanna share some thoughts i have about. some stuff i guess!!

i think the way people treat post canon, no matter which team was writing it or which version of it you’re looking at, is also similar to the way people treat. literally any other artist in this fandom. which is “your interpretation is Wrong and that means your art and morals are Bad”

which is sad to me because. we all took english classes right? we all learned about different literary lenses and different ways to interpret a piece of media. and that everyone can have different takeaways from the same thing. and they might not be equal or even the authors intent but like. that’s okay. it’s not that serious. sometimes a person is 14 or like. just cares more about Background Character than anyone else. and that’s okay!

i’ve been reading homestuck with a friend who’s never read it before- she works on the fanadventures with me and it’s simply required reading :p And she said something a lil bit ago, basically that she reads the kids as a lot older than 13. she doesn’t feel as though they are written as realistic 13 year olds- 15-16, for sure. but 13? to my friend, not so much.

and that got me thinking about the way people treat HSAU. “why’d you age them up? they were written to be 13 for a reason!” is definitely a valid critique i think, if you yourself had that interpretation of the original character writing. but if you’re my friend, who feels as though they act a bit old to be 13, aging them up probably makes a lot of sense. i think she’d really like HSAU. also because i showed her the ranma 1/2 june scene and she CRIED. on that note- “why did june come out so early?” probably doesn’t make a lot of sense to someone who enjoys post-game adult trans headcanons, but it’s simply the same thing post canon is doing. a What If. What if Egbert realizes she’s a woman at age 40? What if she realizes it at age 18? What are the different themes and interpretations that can be found in both of these headcanons? what personal experiences and interpretations of the post canon and HSBC writers can be found in PQ trans vriska? or middle aged june egbert? what personal experiences and interpretations of a certain content creator can be found in a teenaged june egbert reading ranma 1/2?

artists rip out their hearts and draw them, paint them, write them, compose them onto a canvas for Us to see. what more must they do simply to get Our approval? in this late late late stage capitalist society, must we demand that artists make art for Us? and not for themselves? are we not lucky to be surrounded by so many cakes?

i have all the drawings my partner has ever made me on display in my room. she doesn’t draw very well- but they are so special. they look about the same as an elementary schoolers art skills- like the Little Chuck E kid who visits me at work. but to me they are the most amazing pieces of art in the world!!

all the art we make has our own hearts and souls poured into it. and that’s pretty cool.

this is my tumblr exclusive opinion twitter doesn’t get to see this one shhhhhh also i am not accounting for every nuance of media literacy and analysis ofc im just yapping. so plz don’t kill me or whatever

[riotgrrrlboy]

Were we really soul tied or was it just limerence?

This is based off of my own research and experience.

About three years ago i matched with this guy on tinder. He wasn't particularly striking. White, shaggy dark brown hair, big nerdy glasses and brown eyes that caught me off guard a little. I swiped right and we matched instantaneously. We talked here and there for about two weeks, sending selfies back and forth, playing the weird game that is snapchat, which is so fucking normalized for whatever reason. (like really, why are we sending blank photos of to each other with no context or conversation ??) Anyways, two weeks in was when the situationship started. A situationship is the stage between friends with benefits and a relationship. Situationships can feel like limbo, never knowing if it will surpass where its currently at. I was drunk at a club, shaking my ass to the latest 2021 trap hits. He asks me to hookup, and I honestly just needed the validation. My friend drives me 15 minutes to his place, where I meet him in his big white range rover in the parking garage of his apartment building. From there, he tells me I'm beautiful in person. I've always had a soft spot for that word. Beautiful. I didn't hear it about myself too often. When he said it, it felt true. And genuine. We had sex.

I started talking to him daily through our snapchats, enamored by our first night together. He would come over, we would hang out, smoke, fuck, watch tv, be human. I developed a bond with him where I felt comfortable in my own skin. I felt comfortable to show him parts of my personality other people didn't normally see. The obsession grew. He took me to a smoothie shop this one time, we held hands. I thought for sure he was my next boyfriend, maybe even my last if I played my cards right. I envisioned a life with him, where I was comfortable, and happy, and me.

One day, after a month of us hanging out, he cancelled on me. Then he cancelled again. Eventually he just stopped responding to me via snapchat. I knew I was getting ghosted, but it was more heart wrenching this time. It was like he was squeezing my heart into knots, watching the blood pour out. When I found out it was because there was someone else, that hurt even more. When I saw he had superliked my best friend on tinder, thats when a part of me crumbled.

On and off these memories of us floated around in my head. This perfect thing that had suddenly vanished, and at that, he had shown interest in the person i loved and trusted the most. Knowing she was in my life. The questions danced in my head, taunting me with every blink. "How did he lose interest so quickly? Things seemed so real and normal." "Why does he want my best friend and not me?" "What am I doing wrong?" These questions and comments on myself mocked me.

I decided to try and win him back. If he wanted mentally ill and crazy, oh, I was gonna give him just that. I played the crazy obsessive ex role. Texting him and calling him, mostly just dumb pranks and me begging for him back the most unserious ways i could. Sometimes he would add me back, we would sext and he would block me again in the morning. But after a while, I met someone else, and gave up.

Thats when he stepped back in. He added me on snapchat, I ignored it. He unadded me and then added me back. I ignored him. He then proceeded to spam like my instagram photos, determined to get my attention. This was now different. He was chasing ME this time. It was tempting, especially since my relationship at the time had been sailing south. But i declined his offers, and went on with my life until,

My relationship ended. All of the sudden, I was back on the obsession train. The thought of him plagued my mind. His hair, his glasses, his voice, his eyes. Everything. The game continued, he would unblock me, we would sext, he would block me in the morning. Eventually I guess this game got old to him because suddenly my texts wouldnt deliver at all, even after a few days. I've stopped myself from reaching out since I called, not expecting a response, and he told me to move on.

Now, my question was, was i really connected to this man, or was I just led into delusion? Well, I fully believe I was a victim of BPD limerence. I do NOT think that we had any sort of soul tie at this point, despite all the angel numbers I've seen in regards to this. I think he's just a shitty guy at this point who liked my hot girl obsession. I think I unfortunately gave him exactly what he wanted, and for that i say to myself: GIRL STAND UP!!!!! In conclusion I am insane and I need to stop letting men take over my brain. At the end of the day, I am authentic. And me. And I have SO much, with or without this man in my life.

[mizkit]

new blog post: Process Post: on edit letters

new blog post on https://mizkit.com/process-post-on-edit-letters/

Process Post: on edit letters

There was a discussion going on over on Bluesky about dealing with edit letters, and this truth came up: “Editors aren’t always right about the solutions, but they’re nearly always right about the problems.”

That thread went on to discuss how the person quoting it, who happens to be KJ Charles whose books I read all of last year and who is also an editor, approaches edit letters; her approach involves suggesting ideas to fix the problems, because it opens the writer’s mind to the possiblity that the book could have something different happen in that moment, and also it gives them something to reject/bounce off/spitefully correct. Which, like: that seems very valid.

That said, I have recently watched friends get SUPER LONG, to my mind, edit letters, 70%+ of which are ideas & suggestions as how to tackle problems, and I honestly think my brain would explode. My editors have VERY MUCH been of the “this is a problem, pls fix” approach, rather than the “let us brainstorm!” approach, and I think that works for me.

Like, I’ve talked about my two worst revision requests: the short letter that said “these 6 things are wrong, pls fix,” which required forcibly inserting a plot into the book (HOUSE OF CARDS), which had previously lacked one, & the phone call which said “can you cut the hero’s POV (40% of the book!) & revise the book to make that work” (TRUTHSEEKER & subsequently WAYFINDER bc hoo boy were there knock-on effects on that one).

Neither editor had any particular suggestions on how to do either of those things; the second one literally told me it was her job to see the problems and mine to figure out how to fix them.

For HOUSE OF CARDS, tbh, I’m not sure the editor saw the “this book has no plot” problem per se, but the 6 things that didn’t work for her were things that didn’t work BECAUSE there was no plot. It was really well written and drew the reader along, but it didn’t feel quite right, and the elements she picked up on were what should have been plot points but didn’t really support anything.

The “cut the hero’s POV” was bc the book, in the editor’s opinion, fell too perfectly between romance & fantasy & would satisfy neither audience (so it would have been PERFECT for the red-hot “romantasy” subgenre right now ahahah go me 15 years ahead of the curve for once instead of 5 years behind 😵‍💫)

That book, tbh, she was like, “I will send this to the romance line if you don’t want to do this bc this is a HUGE ask, so go think about that” & I thought about it & decided to do it (one of my friends got so upset on my behalf I had to talk HER off the ledge about MY revisions 😅), BUT!

In neither case did they really offer much solution, which is my preference, BUT ALSO: they weren’t wrong.

Editors are rarely wrong, or are wrong about the thing they’ve pointed out but not about SOMETHING in that thing’s support system, so fixing THAT will fix what they actually pointed out.

If I REALLY STRONGLY with them on a point I either discuss it with them or don’t do it, but…personally I prefer the freedom of “this doesn’t work, pls fix” with minimal other editorial input. Mind you, if I need the brainstorming, then my experience has been they’ll do that, which is great!

Which is all very much “ymmv” and “this is me” and not to say that the “here’s an idea so you can reject it” isn’t a totally valid approach that clearly must work for a lot of writers. :)

(The “cut the POV” editor once also asked, about SEAMASTER, which she wasn’t editing but I was having a hard time selling, if I could age up the characters to around 16 & I said, “NO!” indignantly, because I felt that their cusp-of-teenhood ages were very important to the story. Then, as the conversation progressed and I thought about it, I sullenly said, “i GUESS i could and it’d probably be FINE, but i don’t WANT to.”

She laughed at me for about ten minutes. :))

[csaventing]

I'm fucking sick of this shit. Sick of not being taken seriously, not feeling valid, reexperiencing something that happened nearly 15 fucking years ago. I don't know why but my brain has been just replaying the physical sensation of what it was like to have a dick in my mouth and I don't know how to deal with it and I don't even feel I have the "right" to feel upset with it cos it was only COCSA and not even with an age gap. We were both 6-7, he used guilt trips and threats to make me suck his penis. I said no so many times but he wore me down. I didn't understand, but he did. Which is so fucked up because I know he was being abused. Neglect, could be argued NCCSA, I know that for sure. But possibly other stuff since the language he used and methods he deployed were so adult, no kid figures that out on their own. He had a friend watch. He did it to humiliate and bully me, as basically everyone else at that fucking school did. I remember the feeling. It comes into my mind every day for like two weeks now. In detail. Usually several times a day. For no reason. And it makes me feel sick, because I was recovering for a while. I was actually happy for a while. But I've been slowly spiralling since september 2023, I assumed I'd get better with time and effort, and now its january 2024 and its somehow worse. Even when I was still doing well, I still thought of it. I didn't re-experience it every fucking day, but now I am for no reason. And I remember the feeling of betrayal, hurt, confusion and embarrassment, feelings I can't really describe in a word. All while, I should add, my brain is also telling me my memories are fake and that either its a totally false memory (which is dumb cos I have evidence SOMETHING happened) or I remembered wrong and he totally DIDNT threaten me into it and I don't have the right to feel gross about it cos I probably just made this all up in my head. It makes me wanna be violent towards something, anything to get this frustration out. And no one really takes me seriously. Only one person, maybe two, actually understands what damage COCSA can cause. Everyone else sees it as not as bad. Everyone else says they get it, says that its a valid trauma, but their reactions to me talking about it betray their words. The way they talk to me about it, their facial expressions, their body language. I'm not sure if I'd prefer them to lie to me or be truthful.

.