#14 yr old me would be freaking out lol

[weirdchurchgirl]

got jensen ackles to do the kpop finger hearts

[skitskatdacat63]

Having a mental breakdown over the video of seb and mark's Singapore date... 🫠

[maoam]

I'm starting to wonder if there was any need for me to panic at the release of this novel. Whenever I see a panel, sasuke looks as if he is ignoring suckura 98% of the time (I mean he does in canon but i thought they would change that in this novel, at least a bit), the prisoners seem to show more interest in her than he does, he always seems displeased or even... annoyed? (Maybe its the way they draw his expressions that make him look like that) Suckura acts more like a 14 yr old girl than a mature woman (Shes not mature in canon but you'd think that they would write her to be good in her own novel). On top of that, Suckura is drawn ugly a lot of the time (I'm not saying this cause of my hate for her, I genuinely think she looks bad).

If a novel like this got released for my ship I would not consider it a win. Isn't she meant to be a mature, smart, sexy girlboss that takes no rubbish from anyone? Why is she acting so ridiculous? Why is sasuke not showing much emotion towards her? Like i said before, i thought this novel was to make them look good? Like yea, the whole novel is rubbish but i thought they would show sasuke caring for his 'wife' more than he does in canon, in this novel his expression towards her is always indifferent. They don't act like a couple in their own novel. And they're drawn ugly on top of that. I think sasuke said some rubbish like 'do a married couple need to be with each other all the time?'. Like HUH? Doesn't sound like you miss her.

It's not really a win for ss is it? It just made suckura look dumb (displaying the uchiha crest and going 'omg, he must'av used earth style jutsu to make this', like girl WHAT?), immature (sasuke was injured and she wants to play peekaboo), and the whole thing just makes them even look more like they're not in love (On sasuke's part anyway). The way she was blushing when she received the ring reminds me of a schoolgirl getting her first kiss, not like a couple that have been with each other for a long time that care and love each other ( and the way sasuke just gave it to her and was like 'wear it', no smile or emotion, reminds me of my mom when she buys me clothing I don't like but still says 'wear it'. He also looks freaked out when she holds her hand up to view it).

Sorry, this was a mouthful. Me freaking out of the release of this rubbish had been for nothing, in fact, it dragged ss through the mud even more.

I also don't get why they make Sakura so unlikeable in it.

She insults Tsunade in it (which is not out of character for her but again, I thought this manga would try to make her look better).

She is dumb and wears the Uchiha crest undercover.

She acts like a little girl, actually worse. She's blushing like crazy over the ring made out of dirt. Like isn't she already married to Sasuke anyway... why is she acting like he's senpai?

She's playing peek-a-boo with an injured Sasuke, like hello? Even if she were a teenager that would be cringy.

Also it still doesn't change the fact Konoha wives do wear wedding rings, so Esaka just did not do her research or she tried to bullshit.

And again I don't know if the artist just doesn't know how Sasuke is supposed to look when happy or what, but it does look odd. Sasuke is looking at Sakura like she's a weirdo (which she is, but again I thought this was supposed to make SS look good).

The manga makes Sasuke look like he's being held hostage or something. Like he looks like 😐 or like there's no life in him lol. And Sakura does look kind of ugly, I agree, and I don't even think she looks ugly in the original manga. But in this manga she just looks cringe.

I mean it's not canon and if I was a fan of Sakura I wouldn't want it to be canon because what?? It will make people mock her more if anything.

[marvels-phoenix]

Headcanon that the reason Leon is referred to as the "unbeatable champion of Galar" is because even if he did lose know one would know or remember because he lived his life in video game mechanics!

HERE ME OUT PLS! also it's only a headcanon lol....anyway let's get to the point before I don't make sense anymore 😅!

________________________________________

- when Leon starts his Pokemon journey he slowly starts to realize that he is different than the other Pokemon trainers. It freaks him out a little bit because (1) he's only ten, and (2) literally this happens to no one else!

- finding randomly placed pokeballs, evolution stones, and heal potions in the middle of the forest,wild area, and everywhere he goes? He's still pretty thankful that he has them when in a battle, but creeped out. Know one else seems to notice these strange instances going on. When Leon tries to talk to anyone else about this ( be it Raihan, Sonia, or any adult/trainer/etc.) His mouth suddenly freezes up and he can't speak. His mouth feels like it's suffocating him and his eyes water and all he feels is pain. Until after a moment feeling like he only have 2 other options to say something else he finally gets a word out to finish the conversation but not the words he wants. ( Because of that I think that Leon is selectively mute unless someone speaks to him first because of the traumatic instances where he couldn't speak what he wanted to, afraid that he would say the wrong thing.)

- another instance that kind of traumatized him as a 10 yr old ( which the video game mechanics kicked in only when he started his journey, but neither him or anyone else knows that.) Is when he was fighting in the wild area, and after his last Pokemon faints he blacks out, only to wake up in nurse joys pokecenter. After a few more instances like that and not knowing anything of how he got there or what happened after he blacks out another handful of times he ends up going weeks, and sometimes up to a month instances where he doesn't sleep. Afraid that once he closes his eyes he will wake up somewhere else he doesn't know, alone. ( Hence why he can be horrible at directions. )

- as he goes so much time without sleep he quicky realizes that there's no after effects on him. He's not feeling drowsy or hungry or anything that he should be feeling after going a month without sleep. It scares him even more and he even stops eating because of it, finding it useless. ( He misses his mom, his baby brother, he doesn't know why or how this is happening but he can't tell anyone! ) There is no backlash by not eating, and he only feeds his Pokemon from then one.

- one of the most prominent things that Leon noticed right from the start is that when he loses no one remembers him or his loss. It's heartbreaking, it tears at him. Why does no one remember him? Everyone remembers the losers, don't they? Why is that they act like they never met him before and why can't he do anything about it? Sometimes he just wants to crawl out of his own skin.

- he realizes that he is only remembered if he wins the battle, and that motivates him to win even more because even though it's happened before he can't stand the thought of people forgetting him again. ( He can't help but think that with every loss his family and friends might forget him too. They don't travel together for the battling of the champion cup, but when he does he his two best friends, Raihan and Sonia he clings to them so much. Even if he can't say what he wants. )

- so as he wins more battles, and gets more badges, and eventually wins the champion cup he finally thinks it's over. As much as he loves battling and pokemon, he knows deep down that by the next year someone is gonna beat him and maybe he'll be free from this other power controlling him. ( Maybe he can eat, sleep, and just speak how he wants to again! )

- the next year Rahain is the only one person that has gotten close enough to beat him, he's the one person that gives him a real challenge anymore, and most importantly battling Rahain makes actually Pokemon battling in general, fun for him. Leon loves him so much. God he loves him. He loves his so much that he wants him to win. ( Leon just turned 11 a couple months ago, and Rahain is 14 now. ) Leon can't help but think that Rahain, more happy, emotional,and older would be a better fit as champion anyway.

- But he wins. A year later he wins again. And again, and again, and again. He can't stop winning and as he gets older he can't help but feel like a puppet. Other than being chairmen roses puppet that is. He is just so, so tired. He can't seem to get hurt either. He tries hurting himself but nothing happens. He is untouchable in both psysical feeling and battles. He just wants to stop. Raihan, Nessa, Milo, and the other gym leaders, along with his family are starting to get worried about him. He stops talking to them all together and instead finds company in the chairmen. ( If he doesn't know what higher power is fucking with him, then at least put another higher power to give him directions. At least he knows where the fucking source of that is. )

- so he withdraws, but keeps the happy facade around everyone because he can't be to he wants to be. Eventually after year ten of being the unbeatable champion of Galar, the chairmen decides to give other people the fighting chance. he says that Leon can indorse however many people he likes for. The champion cup this year.

- he meets Leon's best friend Gloria. After he gives them their starter Pokemon and after he sees his brother lose in his battle against Gloria, he notices something about her. Something that just pulls him to her. It's her very first Pokemon battle and she's won. She doesn't speak much but what she does say sounds scripted to him. ( He distantly wonders if she is like him. )

- so he watches her as she wins. Again and again. He remembers her losses tho. He's the only one but he remembers every time she lost a battle. Only to win the next time. He feels some sort of kinship to her. He knows she going to make it to the champion cup and hopes that she beats him. For his own sanity he needs to lose. Winning can't be an option for him. He so, so tired.

- and then she wins. She beats him. As the rest of the audience is silent and the wind slows down everything seems to have come to a standstill. He tilts his hat and grits his teeth for a moment. ( Is is finally over? Can I be free? ) But that doesn't matter right now. He so happy. He got what he wanted. He throws his hat up in the air and smiles brightly, a real smile in what seeme like forever. He runs over to Gloria and picks her up spinning her around. Their both laughing and smiling and he's crying happy tears at her victory and his loss. He doesn't care about the tabloids commenting on his tears or anything other than her. She is like the little sister he's never had and he so grateful that he got to meet her. As she is on his shoulder, waving at the people sitting in the arena he finally has some peace. ( Is it finally over? )

- he gets his answer in the empty locker room. The battle is over. Gloria is celebrating with Hop. ( He will definitely be happy to spend more time with his friends and family ) he gets his old poketknife he found on the road when he was ten and slices the palm of his hand.....

He bleeds.

"Leon?"

It Rahain.

Can he tell him? Everything? Why he's so messed up?

He looks back to se Rahain with shock all over his face. He must've come in to try and talk to him about the battle. ( They made a promise that Rahain would be the one to beat him.)

Leon smiles lightly befoe putting the knife back down.

He slowly walks up to Raihan...

He does something that also wasn't allowed before.

He hugs him. Tight. And cries.

{ P.s - cue explanation, confessions, and emotional sex featuring bottom Leon ; ) }

---------------------------------------------------

Whew! That was fun to write. I really hoped you liked this headcanon/mini fic! It's been something I've been thinking about ever since I've become obsessed with Leon.

I do not have the time to right a full fledged fanfic of this but if anyone wants to take this as inspiration and write a fic based on this please do! ( Also credit me for the idea lol and let me know cause I wanna read it! ) We already have alot of talented writers from this fandom that have posted on AO3 and I would love to see someone write about this and use their own creativeness with it! : )

[brutal-out-here]

2 years ago today was one of the happiest days of my life

2 years ago tonight was when I went to my first ever concert!! And it was to see one of my favorite people of all time. Sabrina Carpenter. I've known of Sabrina since 2014 when she was like 14. I was and still am a huge fan of Girl Meets World. And I grew to love her music and her as a person aswell as her acting. And I still remember the day she announced the tour dates for her De-tour. I completely freaked out when I seen the New Orleans show date and begged to be able to go. And I did. It was one the best nights of my entire life!! I literally even wore my tour hoodie the entire show lol. I had the best time honestly. I even remember her saying this joke, "beignets? More like ben-YAY!" lol. Its just a stupid joke but I love it and her. I cannot wait to see her in concert again whenever that would be.

also I'm posting this^ on my Instagram @/raineyc_04 if u want to tag her in the comments

Here's the best picture I took:

Now besides the fact I got to see Sabrina, I got to see New Hope Club because they were one of the openers. At this time I had absolutely no idea who they were. All I knew was that they had a song called Fixed and that was because the music video came on during a commercial break on Disney lol. So because of this I has no idea what to expect. Plus my 11 yr old self didn't care at all because I was that type of person at the time. I remember when they came on I thought it was cool they were from England because I've always wanted to go there. But then a few other things I thought happened. The first thing was that my dad, he was there with me, said Reece looked like one of my cousins. I have no idea if that is even true because I haven't seen that cousin in forever lol. And then my dad said that Reece was the best singer of the 3 and then I agreed. But now I obviously cant choose between any of them lol. And then something else that happened that I find absolutely hilarious but then I feel bad about ar the same time. After my dad said that Reece was the better singer he said along the lines of "The one with the dark hair doesn't sing the best" as in the other two were way better. And then I agreed!! And then he didn't say anything about George. But now I obviously think they all sing absolutely amazingly and none of them is better then the other. And then in November I actually started listening to them. All because of Sabrina in a way. They are definitely my favorite band to this day. I hope they come back to New Orleans or Louisiana in general soon.

Once again I'm putting this on Instagram so maybe please tag them in the comments on there

Heres a picture my dad took of them:

[kylorenpunk]

Payback is a bitch. Do them all.

“itAy thanks for curing my evening boredom

1. Who was the last person you held hands with?

     I think it was my friend Elli during a service project or my friend when we went to the movies (we occasionally pretend we’re a couple when we go to the movies lmao) 

2. Are you outgoing or shy?

    Shy. It was super hard to make friends during grade school. But if you put me with the right people I can be outgoing. 3. Who are you looking forward to seeing?

     My friend group tomorrow. I think we’re playing smash again? 4. Are you easy to get along with?

     I think so? I have no idea tbh. I know I was a bitch when I was younger though. Hopefully I don’t put off those vibes now 5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you?

     The only time we interacted I was drunk so no lol. 6. What kind of people are you attracted to?

     Tattooed, nerdy vibes, can make me laugh, nice eyes, idk I just like guys ok7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now?

     HA. Nope. 8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind?

     Romantically? or friendship? Also bold of you to assume whoever does these are straight. To answer, my friends who are all homies. 9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable?

     Depends on the subject. I am always down to make sex jokes but don’t fucking tell me the shit you did with your SO the other night.10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?

      I’m always down for deep convos tbh so I do this frequently. I think the last full length deep convo I had was with Jessica though? 11. What does the most recent text that you sent say?

      “LMAO” to Joey bc I rick rolled his ass. Bitch apparently I’m always texting you?   12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now?

       According to spotify it’s: Alexander HamiltonGoodbye Yellow Brick Road (Sara Bareilles’ cover) When I Was Your Man (Aaron Tveit’s cover) The Greatest Show The number one song is one I don’t listen to any more so I’ll replace that with the song I’m listening to “How Far I’ll Go” 

13. Do you like it when people play with your hair?

      God yes. That’s the BEST feeling. 14. Do you believe in luck and miracles?

      Not really miracles. But I do believe in luck in a sense 15. What good thing happened this summer?

      My birthday. Going to Chicago. 16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?

      Sure I’ll kiss my mirror again. Sorry y’all I don’t kiss and tell.17. Do you think there is life on other planets?

      Absolutely.18. Do you still talk to your first crush?

      I have had so many I don’t remember my first crush. And I know for a fact I didn’t start talking to crushes till the middle of high school19. Do you like bubble baths?

      No I hate baths. I think it’s gross. 20. Do you like your neighbors?

      I like their dogs. Especially the beautiful pit I get to dog sit 21. What are you bad habits?

      I get very nervous very easily. I’m unsure of myself. I’m also messy.22. Where would you like to travel?

      New York and Europe 23. Do you have trust issues?

      Who doesn’t? 24. Favorite part of your daily routine?

      When I go to sleep.25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with?

      My stomach. 26. What do you do when you wake up?

      Check my phone. It’s really bad. 27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker?

      Neither. I like my skin color even though I’m pale as fuck. 28. Who are you most comfortable around?

      I’ll have to say my friends Yara and Josephine. Love all my other friends and no offense to y’all I’m just really self conscious 29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up?

      LMAO one basically did the other day. At least he regrets how he treated me. That’s some tea. 30. Do you ever want to get married?

      Hell yeah. Am I currently ready for it? Hell naw. 31. If your hair long enough for a pony tail?

     She’s too long. I really want to cut her but that costs money. 32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with?

      Chris Hemsworth and Anne Hathaway. Or Vanessa Hudgens33. Spell your name with your chin.

      done. That was strange? 34. Do you play sports? What sports?

      I did soccer for one season when I was 6. I spent most of the time playing with my hair. That was the end of my athletic career. 35. Would you rather live without TV or music?

      TV bc we have netflix and hulu 36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them?

      Tons of times. It’s my brand. 37. What do you say during awkward silences?

      I’ve been doing shitty mouth pops recently. I also start rambling about my day.38. Describe your dream girl/guy?

      Someone that puts up with my bullshit 39. What are your favorite stores to shop in?

      TJ Maxx. Ulta. Target. I don’t shop often. 40. What do you want to do after high school?

      I’m outta that shit hole. Have been for 5 yrs. 41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?

      Of course. 42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean?

      I’m listening fully and don’t really have anything to contribute yet. 43. Do you smile at strangers?

      Working at a hotel has forced me to. I hate it. 44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean?

      SPACE MOTHERFUCKERS - the ocean freaks me out45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning?

      Needing to pee, hunger or work 46. What are you paranoid about?

      EVERYTHING. Mainly the future tho 47. Have you ever been high?

      Nah. Not opposed to it though. 48. Have you ever been drunk?

      Yep. I get really touchy. It’s weird. 49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about?

      Stalk people’s social medias? 50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore?

      Grey 51. Ever wished you were someone else?

      I wish I was Vanessa Hudgens. 52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself?

      I won’t write it here 53. Favourite makeup brand?

      NYX. Cheap and good. 54. Favourite store?

      Target 55. Favourite blog?

      My own. 56. Favourite colour?

      Pink or Green. Depends on the day.57. Favourite food? 

      Anything with pasta or rice 58. Last thing you ate?

      pasta 59. First thing you ate this morning?

      beef jerkey. I have weird cravings60. Ever won a competition? For what?

      For being the world’s most emotional bitch 61. Been suspended/expelled? For what?

      Hell no. Stay in school kids. 62. Been arrested? For what?

      Nope.63. Ever been in love? 

      Yep. Still don’t kiss and tell. 64. Tell us the story of your first kiss?

      I know I just said I don’t kiss and tell but this isn’t talking about the person. Wet. Gross. Sloppy as fuck. They were shit at kissing. 65. Are you hungry right now?

      Nah. 66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends?

      I have one tumblr friend. He’s a pal. 67. Facebook or Twitter?

      Twitter68. Twitter or Tumblr?

      Twitter. I’ll make one for this blog soon. 69. Are you watching tv right now?

      No I’m listening to Miss Independent by Kelly Clarkson. 70. Names of your bestfriends? 

      Kim, Michelle, Jessica71. Craving something? What?

      Nothing. 72. What colour are your towels?

      Pink and green72. How many pillows do you sleep with?

      It used to be two until I got a new giant pillow this week. 73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals?

      I have them. I don’t sleep with them. 74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have?

      Four. I just counted. 75. Favourite animal?

      Meerkats 76. What colour is your underwear?

      Pink. 77. Chocolate or Vanilla?

      Vanilla 78. Favourite ice cream flavour?

      Strawberry79. What colour shirt are you wearing?

      Grey and pink 80. What colour pants?

      Dark grey and green - I’m in house clothes I don’t match 81. Favourite tv show?

      Jane the Virgin 82. Favourite movie?

      Hairspray 83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2?

      Mean Girls. The second one was trash 84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street?

      Mean Girls85. Favourite character from Mean Girls?

      SHE DOESN’T EVEN GO HERE 86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo?

      Bruce87. First person you talked to today?

      Joey?88. Last person you talked to today?

      Joey. What the hell. 89. Name a person you hate?

      Hm they don’t need their name here90. Name a person you love?

      My brother91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now?

      Someone from work 92. In a fight with someone?

      Nah I don’t deal with that bs 93. How many sweatpants do you have?

      None. I do leggings tho ( I think I have 7 or 8)94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have?

      2 hoodies 95. Last movie you watched?

      The Green Book96. Favourite actress?

      Anne Hathaway? 97. Favourite actor?

      Mark Hamill 98. Do you tan a lot?

      I burn a lot. I’m pale99. Have any pets?

       No 100. How are you feeling?

        Alright. Kinda pumped bc my fav cover of Come Together came on (from the Justice League movie)101. Do you type fast?

        Yes but this is still taking me a while to get through 102. Do you regret anything from your past?

        Hell yeah. No tea is being spilled tho103. Can you spell well?

        If I have a pen and paper I’m decent. 104. Do you miss anyone from your past?

        I miss some ppl yeah. Adulting sucks bc you can’t see everyone all the time105. Ever been to a bonfire party?

        Lol that was the only rebellious thing I would do in high school 106. Ever broken someone’s heart?

        Not that I know of? 107. Have you ever been on a horse?

        Yes I love horseback riding 108. What should you be doing?

        Studying for the GRE109. Is something irritating you right now?

        Boring drama stuff. I won’t go into details. I’ll get over it. 110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt?

        Everyone has. 111. Do you have trust issues?

        Sis you already asked this. Yes. 112. Who was the last person you cried in front of?

        My mom? I was crying bc I could fit into old shirts 113. What was your childhood nickname?

        Family calls me Kari. Friends call me Rina114. Have you ever been out of your province/state?

        Yep. Last month. 115. Do you play the Wii?

        We play Netflix on the wii116. Are you listening to music right now?

        “I am Woman” by Jordan Sparks 117. Do you like chicken noodle soup?

        Only from a can. I hate soup. 118. Do you like Chinese food?

        Fuck me up with crab rangoons 119. Favourite book?

        Eragon120. Are you afraid of the dark?

        I don’t like not being able to see. So sure. 121. Are you mean?

        I’m a dick to those I care about. Sorry. 122. Is cheating ever okay?

        Absolutely not. Dump their ass. 123. Can you keep white shoes clean?

        Nope. 124. Do you believe in love at first sight?

        I believe in infatuation at first sight125. Do you believe in true love?

         Not sure 126. Are you currently bored?

        I was till I started this 127. What makes you happy?

        anime, superheros, nerdy shit, music and makeup 128. Would you change your name?

        No. I used to want to as a child. 129. What your zodiac sign?

        Cancer. 130. Do you like subway?

        No. It’s gross. 131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?

        Politely decline132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with?

        Already answered. 133. Favourite lyrics right now?

        “Yoko Ono, she got that Yoko OnoYou know that shit that made John Lennon go soloKnow that shit gotta be lethalIf that pussy broke up The Beatles” - Jay Z

Murder by Justin Timberlake (Featuring Jay Z)134. Can you count to one million?

        I could. I don’t want to though.135. Dumbest lie you ever told?

        Not sure. 136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed?

        Closed. 137. How tall are you?

        Five foot. Three inches. 138. Curly or Straight hair?

        My hair is wavy. I like both.139. Brunette or Blonde?

        I’m a brunette140. Summer or Winter?

        summer141. Night or Day?

        day 142. Favourite month?

        october143. Are you a vegetarian?

        nope but i’ve considered. 144. Dark, milk or white chocolate?

        dark chocolate. I’m old. 145. Tea or Coffee?

        tea - coffee gives me the shits 146. Was today a good day?

        It was decent. 147. Mars or Snickers?

        Mars148. What’s your favourite quote?

        “It’s not who we are underneath, it’s what we do that defines us.” - Batman Begins 149. Do you believe in ghosts?

        Yes and No150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page? (via catscuddlingandyou)

         GRE prep book “Directions:” It said more but my fingers hurt from typing all day. 

[mikayla-jays-world-blog]

Mikayla Jay's World...

Welcome one and all.

Hey friends....I thought it's about time for me to really introduce myself to all of you. I started this little blog about 6 weeks ago, and the first thing I should say is that I'm...well...*ahem... getting older. (I'm 45). As such, I'm a bit of a late-comer to social media. If truth be told, this is my first and only blog and platform that I have ever used. Ever. I don't use Facebook, I'm not a YouTuber or on Twitter or Twatter or Chatsnap or whatever else is typically used by y'all. This isn't about monetization for me. I needed a place to be creative, to vent, to learn, to grow...and most importantly...I wanted to find others in hopes of developing some sort of support network for myself. You see, in addition to being old (er), I'm also a proud MTF Transgender WOMAN. I am also bi-sexual, with a ravenous sexual appetite for both men and women - and each for their own unique reasons and dynamics. I have been an artist for mist if my life and career, having spent over 15 years professionally as a tattoo artist (I was attracted to Tumbler initially because of the graphic friendly, pro-art/artist philosophy...and the porn lol- at least until they took that away 🙄). I got burned out professionally about 18 months ago, and really wanted to follow a dream that has been sitting in the back of my head for years and years... I wanted to pursue writing. I've always believed that you do what you love, AND THEN you find a way to get paid doing it. But really, it's not about making money for me. It's about living my life on my terms, loving the person I continue evolving into, standing in my own truths, living authentically and being happy....truly happy with the life I want to live. And while I'm on the topic, I wasn't always interested in that. Living, I mean. The Cole's Notes version of my past is certainly colorful, but also full of pain and some tragedy- like many of us.

I grew up in a chaotic household, with parents that fought constantly and ultimately divorced. That was tough on me because I was close to my mom, and not so much to my father. Mom was a Nurse, Dad a University Professor. You see, I knew I was different from an early age. Thing is, my Mom knew too. She caught me wearing her makeup (because I would smush her lipsticks not understanding proper application techniques, and she got tired of me destroying them on her lol). So my Mom decided to show me how to apply makeup properly. She knew I liked lingerie, dresses, heels etc. I believe she also knew that I was not straight at the very least- certainly as I entered my teens and became a horny kid, it became obvious- to her. My father had his face in a textbook my entire childhood, and so was oblivious to his oldest son's (me) true personality. As such, I became very close to Mom. She was my best friend.

When I was 13, my parents divorced. My Mom needed a fresh start and my father made way more money, so we (me and younger brother) were forced to live with him. We moved to Maritime Canada- Prince Edward Island to be specific, as my father accepted a job in Charlottetown. My Mom moved to the North West Territories, and took a job as an Emergency Medical Flight Nurse working thru a small Native reserve hospital in Fort Simpson NWT. I was heart broken at being away from her suddenly, and bitter at the whole situation. Then my life really turned upside down.

My Mom, the best friend I ever had, loved her new life. She was finally really happy, and at peace with herself. She spent a very. fullfilling year up North. Then, just before X-Mas 1988, my world fell apart. My mom was on an emergency medical flight, and without me reliving painfull details, the plane she was flying in- 3 miles from the airport on the return leg, flew into a mountain. The plane exploded on impact, and my Mom was killed. That day, a big piece of my heart died.

I'm 14 yrs old. My mom, my best friend, my confidant and only person I trusted and supported who I was, was taken from me. The impact it had on me was simple. I was broken inside. I was in a new city and province, had no friends, was confused, alone....and broken.

The way I dealt with the pain and grief was to bury it by inside me. I became introverted, isolated, depressed, and scared. I was also trying to fit in where I didn't belong. Those of you that have never experienced small town maritime Canada, it's like Deliverence. Only worse. I had to adapt to my surroundings. The local customs and beliefs were not open, accepting or pro LGBTQ. The one thing I had going for me (at least then) was that I was coordinated and active. I could play sports. And I was a big kid. I believed my only option to fit in was to pretend I was like "everyone else". I learned to bury not just my pain, but everything that made me who I was. My sexuality. My needs and longings to feel feminine. To dress up and wear makeup. The happiest side of my personality was intimately linked to my feeling that I was born in the wrong body. I became sport-o. A jock. I blocked out and buried that part of me. And began living a life of lies. I became a "mans man".

Fast forward. I got big. I got angry. I hated myself and the world. I got involved in football and rugby and started amateur boxing. I became more confused as time went on. And more angry. Eventually after University, I moved out West. To British Columbia. Vancouver. Part of me wanted to get as far away from my father, Atlantic Canada, and my past. Part of me was aware of the progressive open gay community out there.

I ended up taking a job as a bouncer in a fairly violent biker bar. I immersed myself in that world, all the while walking a razors edge where I was "Iron Mike" on the outside, a tough SOB and all around bastard of a person. My confusion and anger over time grew into overwhelming dysphoria. I hated my body. I hated the way I looked. I battled those feeling by way overcompensating and going to the extreme other end of the gender scale. I became hyper masculine outwardly, and satisfied my inner desires on the sly, behind everyone's back. I engaged in many dangerous and stupid behaviors. I became a drug addict. And that culminated in 3 suicide attempts. I wanted to die.

That part of my life is a story for another time. But I will fast forward, for the sake of my sanity and yours. I was lucky enough to find an addictions doctor and a mental health councillor who helped me turn my life around. I began with grief Councilling for dealing with my mother's death. As I learned to trust the two women at that clinic, I came clean. With everything. My sexuality. My gender identity. I opened up about my risky sexual behavior (days and weeks suppressing and burying who I was inevitably would boil over and I would "blow off steam in the extreme let's just say.) Cyclical, drug fuelled gay sex parties were like a medicinal, almost spiritual healing event, just in a backwards twisted sort of way. My depression, dysphoria and anxiety would go up and down with my moods. I needed to change. And the more I worked on accepting myself, and battling the debilitating shame of feeling like a closet freak, the more I realized how wrong I had always been. How confused, disillusioned and unhappy I always was. I learned, slowly and not without setbacks, that I was not the pariah I feared I would become. I wasn't a freak. And I didn't have to continue to be......broken.

Over the past 10 years, I have grown and evolved. I began by accepting that I was gender fluid, and embracing it. My lifelong habit of crossdressing became something I refused to bury, and I stopped being ashamed of it. I consider myself mostly bisexual....with a definitive preferrence towards gay men and gay sex. I enjoy sleeping with women as well, but I really find it is a different type of sex, and my attraction to women is more about the intimacy. I emotionally 'make love' to women, whereas I like a good n' nasty fuck with a man...call me old-fashioned LMAO.

I also evolved in my gender identity, my knowledge and experience growing alongside my courage, and the belief in who I really am. I have grown to embrace the woman I've been evolving into. The amount of time I spent dressed up and living as a female grew more and more. I learned to truly accept myself, and the word Transgender. The philosophy, lifestyle, choices, mental impact and ultimately the strength and happiness that I've found by embracing that I AM A PROUD AND HAPPY MTF TRANSGENDER WOMAN has absolutely changed and saved my life. As such, I went through Gender Councilling, and went through the long and arduous waiting list/period to see a gender specialist doctor. I am so excited to say that I finally began by hormone therapy treatment about 6 weeks ago.

Which brings me to where we are now. I have just begun the next phase of my life. I am so happy and thankful to have survived and come through on the other side. Part of that journey has been learning to love myself. Respect myself. Believe in myself. I am so grateful to the small support group of doctor's and mental health workers who helped me learn to live my life as it was always meant to have been lived. And the other part is making sure that I can pay that gratitude forward, by helping other Transgender people live their authentic wonderful lives. That's a big reason why I started my blog. Mikayla Jay's World is a reflection of who I am. It is a place where I can thrive, meet others like myself, actually BE myself, and continue to grow....creatively, spiritually, emotionally, and mentally. It is a world where you won't be judged, and you will always find a supportive girl to lean on and become friends with. We are on the cusp of great societal changes. We have the ability to help each other through the difficulties still to come, and all be stronger, better people for it. Welcome to the world I live in. Welcome to a place I love. A safe place to be who you are...inside and out....and a place where we can all laugh, cry, be shocked, be turned on, be motivated, be creative, be unique, and be loved. Your always welcome in Mikayla Jay's World. Thanks y'all.

[manchestereyes]

claire imma get sappy, so its 1am meaning its now the 28th july, three months ago today i met dan and phil at 10:44am and felt more cared than i have ever been if that makes sense, i cried into phils arms because it was hard, 4years of not hugging a single man to hugging phil lester it meant a hell of a lot, i met some amazing people, in earlier march a gc was made for the brighton matinee group which we all met up with at the show, it felt strange bc we all came together bc of dnp (1/?)

(2/?) in the middle of march i sent a message to the gc like “hey we should make signs since its their first show” as a joke thinking everyone would find it sappy and it wouldnt work, we spent a month and a half planning, the week before the show i printed off 450 pieces of paper and there was 1100 between us, the night before meeting dnp i was round my friends writing “hold up @ the end ty x” on these pieces of paper for two and a half hours, i wrote a 14 page letter for them

(3/?) for me to run on 5 hrs sleep, a sip of water and no food, i was so anxious, a bag full of paper truth bombs and a uke jfc that was heavy, i cried into phil, felt warmth from dan, it felt like they cared, 11:45 we queue outside and i make friends with a load of people, they’re lovely and i miss them, 1pm we’re let in, the atmosphere changed it was nice, i felt accepted, me and my two friends all wait and sit outside the doors to go to sit down and i play wybsk? one for the road

(4/?) and absolutely smitten on the uke and these three girls join in and it was lovely, me and the kids who made the signs (6 i think it was) was running round the venue handing out these signs to the ladydoor remix, for at the end of the show when dnp sing the last chorus for me to shout and these signs to work, for dan to take one and said he likes them, my friends mum said kids walked out the venue clutching these signs as a souvenir just bc 6 13-15 yr olds wanted to thank dnp

(5/5) the moment straight after the show wnded i cried so hard, tomorrow im meeting up with the kids who went to the show again outside brighton dome where we first met bc we all miss each other, every single one of us is still in shock, three months later (im sorry i sent u so many asks im just like shit its three months since ii)

omg daisy 😭😭😭 don’t be sorry!! imma get sappy now and say that my heart is so freaking FULL knowing you had (dare i say) the perfect ii experience! as a self diagnosed Lonely Person, it makes me sooooo happy to know that you guys were all able to come together like that and being there for the first ever show makes it a thousand times cooler!! i think everyone in the world deserves to feel all these things at least once in their lives, if not unendingly for years on end with a special someone. honestly it’s astounding to me to think that the first show was three whole months ago already?? like, it feels like a completely different time and i feel like a completely different person even if i am probably as much of a mess as i was then lol. i’m so glad you guys are meeting up again though!! i really regret not trying harder to meet up with people at my show (although to be fair, it was pretty overwhelming and the service inside the venue was SO BAD) but!! this does give me the idea to have a chicago phannies meetup at some point if anyone’s up for it! because like, i need to gush about this show with actual people and phannies are literally my favorite people so it sounds perfect tbh. i hope you guys have the best time!! even if you aren’t seeing the show again at least you’ll be with each other and who knows, that might be even better anyway! 💜💜💜

[henry-hart]

The Danger Begins s1 ep1

I’m so glad I decided to rewatch this because it made me so happy!!!! (also, to keep you guys from getting uber annoyed with me, i’m just gonna lb on one big post like this from now on lolol)

first off

s1 henry was the cutest thing to ever exist. ever. my heart couldn’t take it bc he’s so grown now but in that first ep he’s this adorable little baby chick ajdksjslk

it was so incredible to see Siren on my screen. Like, within thirty seconds BAM there she was. i felt blessed, like she blessed my laptop

PIPER. MY OVERDRAMATIC DAUGHTER. I miss her “I am NOT okay!!!” catchphrase akdjlsj 

her “so we’re living like animals now” reply to being told to wait for her video to load---same girl, same.

Henry at 13 was a million times more proactive about the whole job search than I have ever been and I’m 22 sksjskjsk

his whole “I’m not good at anything. I’m a big ball of average”---I feel that lol

“No special skills needed.” “That’s me!!” 

okay one of Char’s first lines was “One day when you two are cleaning my pool bc you failed this algebra test...” and it doesn’t get more iconic than that

GOOCH. I HAVE MISSED YOU. 

Ray just coming in with all these ridiculous questions lolol poor Hen

“I’m 13. I’ll be 14....on my next bday.” ajskjsksljk

“Ah, so you’re aging sequentially. I like that. The name’s Ray.” “Nice to meet you, Ray. I’m Henry.” “You ask a lot of questions.” “I....don’t think....I’ve asked any questions...????” loved it

I laughed when Ray changed into his uniform and the zipper got stuck (that never happens again????)

“Did you have to melt my phone???” Hen, sweetie, hate to break it to you, but your phone gets broken.....preeeeetty much every ep (need me a bank account like that where I can steady get new iphones)

WhAt Do YoU mEaN nO sPeCiAl SkIlLs HeNrY???? yOu NoTiCeD tHe TaToO!!!!!! u smart lil cookie

Ray was all “I’m getting old. I can’t do this forever.” Two things: 1) RAY DID YOU JUST REFER TO YOURSELF AND OLD IN THE SAME SENTENCE??? 2) why is this never mentioned again??? Like, Ray got a sidekick to pass the mantle onto someone younger to keep protecting Swellview when he’s done. We’re like 4 yrs down the line, and they haven’t even hinted towards CM retiring??? (I know that would mean the end of the show, but they could at least bring it up every now and then)

OK. hated the toddler then. hate him now. 

Props to the props department (ha ha get it???) for all the junk in the store. It’s all so strange and doesn’t make sense and fits the show so well (also it seems like each ep has diff junk??? that’s impressive)

“They seem like nice kids.” “Yeah, they’re names are Jasper x Charlotte. I’ve known them ever since--” “Get rid of them.” “I’ll get rid of them.”

DAWWWW Jasper x his buckets :’))))

“I told you Canadian money upsets ppl!!!” Ah Char (I wonder if Riele comes up with some of these Canada jokes??)

OMG I FORGOT ABOUT HEN’S HORRIBLE TEST WARDROBE. IMAGINE IF THEY HAD KEPT ONE OF THOSE IDEAS AKSJLKSJ (there really wasn’t any need for a whole test wardrobe tho--just style an outfit to fits Ray’s. His obvs works out well for him) (I know that’s what they ended up doing lolol)

Okay, Ray’s “Oh man. I ate a lot of fruit.” line KILLS. ME. bc when i first watched this ep, every time the scene changed and Ray was shown w/ a diff fruit, I was like, “Why...is he eating so much fruit????” bc they’re all diff and he even eats a whole pineapple--outside peel and all. BUT I WAS THINKING IT AND THEN HE SAID IT AND IT MADE IT ONE MILLION TIMES FUNNIER.

LIL BB HEN IN HIS SUIT FOR THE FIRST TIME. I CRY. HE’S SO TINY AND HAPPY

“Chew gum. Blow bubble. Fight crime.” Ray wrote those instructions. I just know it. aksjskl

“And what does a single flashing light mean?” “Just to shoot me a text, you know, whenever.” aksjklsk

HENRY JUST GAVE HIS PLEDGE. THEN. HE. SAID. THE. ICONIC. “FEELS GOOD” FOR. THE. FIRST. TIME. I’M CRYING.

Hen not knowing how to get the tubes to work and just jumping up and down making noises aksjlsk

“Affirmative.�� “That means ‘yes’.” “I got that.” and so the sass begins lolol love it

“Awwww no! That was my favorite bridge!”

“I hate my life and I am NOT okay.” i feel u Pipes

the sass is strong in those Hart kids. Siren x Jake can’t catch a break aksjslk

Siren. Hart. Is. So. Beautiful. her hair just looks so good this ep

“I’ll run away. I’ll do it.” ajskjskl Pipes chill

Jake....Siren...that’s....your son on the tv screen...like.....that’s literally your child’s face.....the product of both of your genes is right there.....plastered on the screen.....how do u....not....recognize him?????

“Two ppl said they might come.” “Who?” “Sidney Birnbaum and Oliver Pook.” “Ew.” “Those guys eat bugs.” “So? They’re people.” I just love the kid’s line delivery here lolol

I just want everyone to know that s1 Henry is the cutest. I already said it, but I’m saying it again. 

Henry panicking bc he doesn’t want C x J to keep reading about KD but he also doesn’t know what to do so he just throws a glass and smacks C’s phone out of her hand and clean across the room ajskjslk SAME

Jace was so.....twitchy in the first two seasons. He’s really mellowed---which I understand it happens when you get older---but it’s just so funny to see this little bean with all his crazy expressions and loud outbursts and rapid movements lolol

Hey Lelani? You’re hot (give me ukelele lessons pls)

“The toddler’s men stole 5,000 packages of diapers. Can you guess why?” “Uhhhh???” “To bombard the diapers with radioactive zenite particles.” “.....I would not have guessed that.”

also Ray getting lower to the ground as he talks and Hen just following is so funny to me. Ray was really extra in that first ep 

RAYMOND MANCHESTER HOW DARE YOU GET MAD AT HEN FOR WANTING TO GO TO HIS BFF’S BDAY PARTY INSTEAD OF FIGHTING CRIME. HE IS 13. AND YOU WOULD LATER CALL HIM UP WITH THE EMERGENCY ALARM PAST 12 AT NIGHT FOR CORNDOGS, SO I DON’T WANT TO HEAR IT.

“Okay. Okay. It’s cool. You go to Jasper’s party. I’ll handle the toddler by myself. Don’t worry about it.” “Are you sure?” “Yeah. I’ve battled the toddler alone before--almost killed me, but whatever.” and u still want to take a 13 yr old out there??? Ray.

“No, I’m not bringing the muffins!” but u said u would

okay, but the news jumping from CM’s kidnapping to a report on why squirrels love nuts???? TOO tru (they really do that “here’s something serious. kids are dying. now here’s this pointless and meaningless crap” lolol)

“I can’t talk! I’m naked!” friends anyone??? (“You can’t come in. Ross is naked.” “Why’d you tell her I was naked???” “I couldn’t tell her I was naked. She’s allowed to see me naked.” “Why does anyone have to be naked???”) (sorry i just love friends akjslkjs)

I FORGOT WHAT IT WAS LIKE TO HAVE SIDNEY X OLIVER ON MY SCREEN. I LOVE THEM. 

I hate u toddler. just in case you were doubting.

Jasper unknowingly saving the day by downloading that sound effect app on Hen’s phone *claps for him*

Henry just....completely kicking butt on his second day???? That’s my son.

“Captain Man!” “Henry!” “It’s Kid Danger.” :))))) I’M SQUEALING. I’M SO PROUD OF HIM. HIS LIL POINT TO RAY AND THAT SMALL SMILE. TOO. CUTE. (also Ray just namedropping like they don’t have identities to protect)

“How do I get you out of there?” “I don’t know. This is the first time I’ve been stuck in a baby bouncer hovering over a bottomless ball pit.” CALL SUPERHEROES OUT, RAY. all these extravagant traps they’re caught in and they just....know what to do??? Doubtful. (bottomless pits are impossible, but you know lol)

Ray swinging around everywhere in that baby bouncer was hilarious alkjdlksj

that spitting device is the literal WORST thing i have ever seen. i freaking hate spit.

God, i wish the toddler had stayed tf down there in that ball pit. i wish that bottle had blown him to the center of the earth. (sorry i just really don’t like him akdjslj)

“What do we do with this? (the bottle bomb)” “We give the baby his bottle.” “Ah. Good call.” “Hey.” “Suuuuup.” “Hurry.” “Oh, right.” aksjlsksjl there are some really good moments in this ep

Ray shielding Henry was <33333 (it would be really messed up if he hadn’t considering he’s indestructible, but I like to think that he chose to)

AJKSJSKLSKSJLK HENRY’S FACE WHEN RAY TOLD HIM “GOOD JOB” WAS SOOOOOOO PRECIOUS. He looked so shocked. Like, “CM thinks I did a good job????” 

It’s like, Henry’s second day on the job, and they’re just namedropping right and left. Why be careful???? It’s not like they have secret identities or anything.....(they steady use their real names. i guess they don’t really have to worry. C must be the only smart person in Swellview bc no one else seems capable of figuring it out. I mean, not even his parents recognized him ajksjslk)

If you need any proof that Ray is a good guy, just watch this ep. His willingness to show up to J’s party despite only knowing Hen for like two days is a solid testament to his character. This is the Ray I know and love.

awwwwww poor Jasp. your party isn’t a flop. It’s about to be lit af because your bff is HENRY FREAKING HART, THE SWEETEST BOY TO EVER LIVE.

Ray, your excuse is horrible. “My van broke down across the street so I decided to come into this house and into this basement.” alskjlskj what is that????

“You’re CM!” “Thank you.” “You’re my hero!” “Of course.” oh Ray

Henry’s just watching J freak out over CM, watching how excited and happy J is and knowing he did that for him, and it’s just----my heart is all ajkdjlsjks

Char is the cutest in this ep. she’s fangirling over CM, and it’s so weird bc now she can’t stand him lolol

Hen x Ray pretending they don’t know each other. SO. PRECIOUS. Ray’s face is so sweet and they share this secret smile and just GAHHHH

J asking CM if he can hit him w/ a bball bat alksjlk “Remember kids: never do this to anyone but CM bc regular ppl could be badly inju--AHHHHHH.......I wasn’t done talking.” “Did that hurt?” “Yeah. But I’m okay.” the way Ray says yeah cracks me up bc it’s like, duh it hurt. it was a bat hitting my head lolol

“Hey, CM?” “Yes, boy?” “Would it be ok if Jasp texted a few friends and told them you were here at his party?” “Suuurrreeee. I love being used.” Ray kills me. cooper x jace have some of the best line delivery/comedic timing akdjslkj

*J is shaking CM’s hand* “Thank you so much! This is the best day of my life!” “Ha ha, are your hands always this sweaty?” “Yes sir.” “He takes medicine for it.” “Wellllll, it’s not working.” *wipes hand on J and leaves wet mark* ajsklj poor Jasper

Henry brought the muffins after all <33333 “Muffins.” “Yeah.” (you can tell Jace x Sean were already good friends. so cute.)

Hen x Char got Jasp the bucket from the shop that Gooch wouldn’t let him have. Dawwwwww

“For awhile there, I thought you weren’t gonna come.” “Come on, man. I’ll always be there for you.” then. they. hug. they’re. so. cute. i. love. solid. friendships.

HENRY’S LAST LITTLE LOOK AT THE PARTY BEFORE HE LEAVES IS THE BEST THING EVER. THE LITTLE NOD HE MAKES LIKE, “YEAH. THIS IS GOOD.” LIKE, HE’S PERFECTLY OK WITH MISSING OUT SO LONG AS EVERYONE ELSE IS HAVING FUN. AHHHHHH. I LOVE HIM SO MUCH. :)))))) <3333333

that was a perfect way to end an ep

<3

I’m glad I watched this. I’ve forgotten most of the earlier episodes which is a crime because they’re so good. It was hard to see Jace so little when he’s so grown now!!!!! My heart couldn’t take it. But lil Henry is precious and I love him. Stay tuned for more rewatches!!!! xoxoxox

[lysitheaioandeuropa]

hey! let’s talk! about me!

I’m gonna bullet list in hopes to keep this concise (UPDATE THIS SHIT IS A LOT LONGER THAN I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE AND I THINK I WILL BE MAKING SEPARATE POSTS), bc i know it definitely isn’t going to be very organized. Before i had my fucking mental breakdown this afternoon, i actually had a lot of thoughts this morning. Some good, some bad, but i felt like i was taking the time to really acknowledge and process some things that.. I don’t get to acknowledge and process often. Or that i just flat out refuse to, or i choose to repress memories, or am still struggling with “wait, did that really happen or am i making it up,” which apparently is a sign of childhood emotional negligence or some shit like that. So basically this will prob end up being a series of extremely personal anecdotal text posts that i have shared with.. Absolutely no one prior to now, for all of my two followers to read (but tbh y’all don’t even have to, i’m mostly keeping this up here for me & prob to have something to share w my therapist, but i won’t stop y’all)

Part I - Oh no, I Caught “The Gay!” Alright, so boom: sexuality. I know i don't shut up about being gay, i know i am entirely way too hype about having a gf and being absolutely fucking smitten with her (AND WOMEN IN GENERAL), but when it feels like i’ve been forced into being silenced about that for sooo fucking long, shit can you blame me? I’ve been pretty open about it as an adult (p much 20 & on or so), it wasn’t like.. This huge secret or anything, but it also wasn’t something i went out of my way to make public. I never officially came out, and unfortunately when people found out it was because this real crazy chick decided to out me out of nowhere and i guess i just figured i had to own up to it, i didn’t really care what people thought of it then. It was weird answering questions, but easier to navigate in my 20s, though more on that later. I did let my partners know if i was dating anyone seriously (as seriously as you can as a teenager anyway), but past that idk, it just never came up. And i sometimes envy the younger kids/adults that like.. Have all these resources and labels available to them now, you know. I feel like its a lot easier to explore who you are and your identity today than it was when i was in middle school, having an extremely hard time sorting out my feelings for my “friends” (read as: i usually thought i just really wanted to be their friend, but also was v aware of how attractive they were to me, but it didn’t seem okay to talk about; whereas, middle schoolers now are a little more open? Have more labels? i have always settled for gay, Bc i did like and develop feelings for guys too but even then knew i liked my friends more). And i mean it was always something i personally was okay with, i wouldn’t deny myself the pleasure of finding girls attractive whatsoever. It’s weird looking at kids now like “oh no, they’re only children!” But i was all of 11 yrs old, first day of sixth grade, when i literally prayed that hands down THE prettiest girl in my 5th period would sit next to me as soon as i saw her walk in and had instant butterflies when she smiled at me and took that empty desk, like holy shit lmao (bruh.. She was 5’1”, puerto rican, and in my head at the time, looked RIGHTTTTT. We were partners in that class for the rest of the year and best friends outside of that class and her voice & her laugh, like bro!!!! Again, confusing and frustrating to have a crush on her, know that, be her friend and hello ofc she’s gorgeous so every boy was always after her too. Navigating feelings was so hard, but then i found a boy to crush on and felt normal again lmao). BUT it just seemed like the normal thing to do was not talk about it or ever bring it up to anyone at all at any point in time which i realize now is.. Yikes lmfao. I think it would have been different if i had someone to navigate that with, i was “mature” enough to figure it out on my own, and know to just keep it to myself, and accept it and not feel like a weirdo or anything, but not always be so eager to act on it. Again the older i’ve gotten, the easier it’s been to tell the story of how my parents thought the neighboring boy and i were so cute together in pre-k & meanwhile i was kissing this one girl during nap time, lmao. So like, i’m okay with that much; i don’t and never have felt guilty about being gay (bi, pan, whatever), even growing up in a church bc it rly was something that just came naturally to me from the jump. Puberty was slightly confusing but not a total shock either.

High school was even more so challenging and confusing? Bro. one of my best friends (and we’re def still friends now) and i were very close and the bitch had absolutely no boundaries whatsoever. Granted she had always been like that, I had been friends with her since the 6th grade as well and had seen her with other girls and boys but never put too much thought into it (you will see that this is my reaction to 90% of shit that happens to me). I’ve posted before and recently about being gay but not wanting to be predatory but getting mixed signals in “regular girl friendships,” and this was fucking textbook, lmao. I never got my hopes up or anything, and i just didn’t consider being with her a real option, but yeah, no, i deadass liked her and i’m sure she knew and didn’t mind the attention either lmao. Call it my first situationship i guess, lmao. We shared a locker so she would leave me notes and gifts, and vice versa, we’d bake for each other, we’d walk to class together, usually have lunch together, so on and so forth; she had no problem holding my hand and hugging me and being affectionate and calling me baby but like.. We weren’t dating. That was a thing. I both welcomed it and brushed it off; i was really comfortable with her physically, but still thinking i should only be dating boys even though they made me extremely uncomfortable and i’d flinch if they got too close (lmao, i have an entire separate section ready for men; cue eyeroll). I mean she kind of lead me on but not rly? I knew not to take it srsly BUT i also knew i’d be down as fuck if she ever changed her mind lmfao. Deadass she’s a 10/10 both then and now and she’d always do this cuuuute thing where she’d wrap her hands around my neck and kiss my nose and bruh i’d melt. Most people were already convinced we were dating *shrug* anyway though, this guy tried to hook up w me but i was like ehhhh so he ended up hooking up w her instead and i started dating my first boyfriend (who was terrible, abusive, and legitimately ruined my life in the short span of 10 months or so but that’s in the men’s section). It’s not like all of that magically stopped either though but i never pressed her for anything more, just entertained her and got butterflies every time she would hit me w that “i’d so love to date you” but her issue was she was comfortable with women but not sexually. I obviously wasn’t trying to sleep w her at 14, but i get it, that's her prerogative & it never got in the way of our actual friendship & i 100% value her as JUST my friend, she’s been rly great to me and has been there for the shittiest of times and has gotten me out of some rough spots. It was what it was lol. And there were other pretty girls after her that i would have considered pursuing but just never went for it. There was this senior girl i had for a class the following year and she also was and still is just jaw-dropping, beautiful, like holy shit. Something about her reminded me of strawberries and just made me feel cozy, you know? She always smelled nice, her hair was strawberry blond wellll past her waist, and she had to have been dumb to not notice me checking her out 25/8. Anyway though, i’m not trying to talk about every single girl i’ve had a crush on; the point is, i have always been firm on my sexuality you know, i never felt like i had a “questioning” phase and it just felt normal (and it has been annoying to have people question just bc i wasn’t “out” long enough to them? Or bc i’m straight passing as far as being fem + dating shitty guys goes). The only weird part was just never pursuing or never having the means to, obviously every girl is 500% straight in high school, or they sure were back then at least. I knew all of like two or three openly out girls and while i was not interested in none of them, i did envy the confidence they had not in just “hey i’m GAY,” but one of them was notorious for just pursuing any girl she was interested in and having it work in her favor? Even the “straight” ones? In my head i could only think like bro how the fuck? Anyway, proceed w checking chicks out on the sly and dating shitty guys (#bars)

So of course, college came around right, and thankfully i knew myself well enough at this point to know that my relationship with women was completely different from my relationship with men. How we interacted, how they made me feel, etc. i moved out at 17, had my own apartment, all that jazz. I had a serious boyfriend but we did do the “open relationship” thing for a bit and lo and behold, available women were everywhere. And we’d chat, flirt, and i knew the physical attraction was there (and, you know, i’m not going to get graphic or anything but confirmed i enjoyed that aspect as well) but not rly much else. So again, never put much thought into it, i was open to being with women romantically but it just never came up and finding straight guys to date after that boyfriend and i broke up was just easier. At this point, i took a “cross that bridge when i get to it” when it came to “officially” being out; it seemed pointless to make this huge deal when i was still just dating dudes, or not dating anyone at all. Not too long thereafter though, one of my close friends (i only have a couple) called me freaking out, it was adorable, lmao. So this girl confessed her love to her and she was confused about what she should do lmao (my gaydar went off THE SECOND I first met my friend and i mentioned it in passing but she always brushed it off). The whole “do what feels right” line is tired but that was the only advice i can give her really. Putting a little more thought into the situation this time and wishing i had someone i could call when i was freaking out over a girl i told her like “you know, there’s nothing wrong if you’re gay. I’m gay, i turned out just fine.” long story short, if you ask her she will always credit me for helping her come to terms with that, but she was also the first person outside of a boyfriend that i said that out loud to and.. It was nice. We kinda helped each other through that and it was nice to have that one gay friend finally lmao. But let’s just fast forward to maybe a year after that, i’d talk to girls here and there nothing serious, when the same crazy girl that liked my friend wants to talk to me (i told y’all the lesbian/local community dumb small) my friend didn’t care and i wasn’t trying to date her seriously, i was in town for the holidays and figured it’d be fun, whatever. So i was going to LIC w A HUGEEE group of my friends. Like. a significant amount, that i had only seen a couple times since high school, and that i obviously did not share my personal business with. This girl knew i wasn’t out, i told her not to be acting crazy either smh. So i knew the girl in passing but not like officially and we did most of our talking online/texting (bc thats how lesbians meet lmao). Keeping that in mind, this is the first time i’m actually meeting this girl not irl but def f2f y’know.. And this is the third time that i’m saying she’s crazy. We find a place to meet at LIC between sets and i told my friends i was waiting for another friend of mine thinking that would be the end of that. Now the whole “lesbians are crazy and move way too fast” trope was a thing w this one bc as soon as she spotted me she ran to me and just kissed me, i swear it was straight out of The Notebook, bro and i turned around and my group of MAYBE 10 friends that caught that were literally staring, wide-eyed, jaws dropped. And i just brushed it off and said k, i’m ready to go, and the questions from there on after just would not stopppppp. It was partially embarrassing bc i am not a spotlight ass bitch whatsoever, but most people that saw us together strangers and whatnot thought we were a “cute couple” and we were complimented most of the night. But every time she’d hug me or kiss me or anything, my friends would be ready behind her back in group of three trying to mouth over me like “girlfriend???? Dating?????” and no she wasn’t my girlfriend but the way she was all over me i had to claim her as such at that point to make my life easier lmao. And i can laugh it off now because no, it rly wasn’t that big a deal to me then but it does kind of suck that it ended up not being my own choice y’know. I had fun with her, the night ended well, she left w me and slept over (nothing happened [that time] but it was still nice nonetheless lol). New years eve was the next couple days and we made plans together and again, we weren’t official or like REALLY talking and it was a (different) group of us going to this house party. I didn’t think she’d do the same thing like, bro without asking or anything, imagine if i was a person that did seriously mind?? Anyway, she got drunk and was the life of the party, she has quite the presence, and by the time it was midnight she straddling my lap making out with me and thats how i came out to everyone else i knew and whoever wasn’t at any of those two events sure did receive texts and pics of my date and i. It was embarrassing initially cause this girl!! Why the fuck did she do that!! Lmao, explaining myself to my closest friends was odd bc they were offended i didn’t tell them sooner and i’m just like.. It never came up at all you know. With that said, i have waited to see if i would ever seriously date a woman bc i knew i wanted to but the opportunity never presented itself until recently, and that’s why ya’ll see me out here screaming on rooftops about how gay i am bc i finally get to do that, on my own terms, and bc i love someone soooo so so dearly.

[rideofbrunhelga]

nycc recap!

OK.

so now I'm on my computer finally ( I slept most of the day lmao ) so lemme give a rundown on my nycc experience!

thursday:

So. I got a SUPER late start because I barely slept this week due to work stress and just general stress about getting a bunch of stuff done prior to leaving for NY. I drove to Hamilton station in NJ and was told that their overnight parking was full so I had to drive to Trenton. Then I think because I was so in a tailspin just trying to get there when I was already running behind, I missed the train and had to wait for the next one. I got into NY around 2:30. I was meeting my BFF and she thought I wasn't getting in until 2:45ish so I waited for her outside MSG at Penn Station for a bit.

So, we finally made it to the con around 3:15 and it was packed. I couldn’t even believe it (this was both our first con). But right when we walked in, the shrine with spongebob pineapple was at the entrance and I got emotional (I was also tired so emotions were running high) but there was a huge line. Not for the shrine, but to meet Spongebob and Patrick who were basically in front of the shrine. The guy told us they would be leaving soon so we decided to come back later.

We walked around for a bit, we got a pic with BB-8. They explicitly told us not to touch him. And then after our pic I subconsciously used him to pull myself up LMFADJSAKLDJAKDJA. omfg the girl looked like she was ready to murder me but it was a complete accident the second I did it I was like OMG I’m so sorry. and I HIGH TAILED IT THE HECK OUTTA THERE.

While we were walking (by the way I felt like I couldn’t even stop to look at things because people were EVERYWHERE you felt like you had to keep moving), we saw Kevin Smith. I didn’t know who he was and I was standing right next to him and this guy ran up to him to get a selfie and he was like “thanks man it means a lot” I was like “who is this guy?” lmfao. Then I noticed there was security and the one said “he can’t take anymore pictures he’s on a tight schedule.” and my friend then realize it was Kevin Smith hahahahaha. Then we headed back to the shrine and spent a good half hour there. NO one was taking pictures with it. I have no idea why because it was so neat. The people at the Nickelodeon booth didn’t care that we were just like having a full on photoshoot with it so that was cool. 

We went outside and there was this Jigsaw escape room and we’re like “oh yay fun” but the girl was like “we’re closed for the day” so :(. Oh well. We bought overpriced drinks and sat on the floor for awhile to decompress before we met up with our other bff for dinner. 

We then had dinner at this ramen place on the upper west side. It was fun except so bizarre. This woman tripped over my friends chair, fell to the floor and for like 45 min she refused to get up from the floor. The owner looked panicked and kept asking to call the ambulance and she was screaming “NO!” “NO!” like 500x making a HUGE scene. She wouldn’t get up and was just sitting there. Someone eventually called an ambulance because like wtf? If you don’t think you can get up you can’t just sit on the floor of a restaurant the whole night? People were so uncomfortable and trying not to laugh because she was being so dramatic lmfao. When the EMTs came they basically were like “lady we’ve been doing this for years, your shoulder is not dislocated and we need to get you off the floor” so finally that was that. Then we went to have gelato and they made mine into a really beautiful flower I was like omg?? Then I went back to my friend’s apartment and we watched AHS: Cult which I think I cannot watch another episode of because it was so traumatic. 

friday

I woke up around 7. Took a shower and got ready for the panel. I knew I wanted to get there around 9 because I planned to sit through the first panel. In line I met two girls from the Facebook group and they were so sweet and so fun. We all sat together and managed to get front row. I’m not sure HOW that happened but I think it’s because the rows behind us were reserved so people assumed our row was (it wasn't). so that was so good! Especially considering I think I was in the first 100 people at Hammerstein and still managed front row. 

This girl and DJ were hyping the crowd and then the first panel started. It was for both Amazon’s Man in the High Castle and Electric Dreams shows, both Phillip K. Dick works. It was cool. It would’ve been cooler if Bryan Cranston was there but Liam Cunningham from GOT was there and Rufus Sewell. 

Finally that ended (lmfao). I swear. 85% of that crowd was there just for Arnold. There was 45 min in between panels. It got a lot more crowded for Arnold. The DJ was spinning some 90s tracks and people were dancing in the aisles lmfao. The hype girl then brought some people on the stage, one of them in Helga cosplay ( she was AMAZING, she was stomping around like Helga too we all were cracking up ) and two 14 yr old girls in Arnold apparel. She asked them how they got into Hey Arnold! since they were so young, and the one girl said from watching The Splat and we all cheered. The other girl was like “it’s a long story” I was like ok I guess? Then we played a game where the DJ played like two seconds of a 90s cartoon theme and the audience had to guess what it was. I also got another Arnold hat that they were giving away. 

FINALLY it was 12:15 and the panel began. 

It was hosted by Keely Flaherty (sp?) from BuzzFeed. She was cute. They started playing the music and introducing everyone. Everyone got a huge reception, especially Craig and Franny. I was freaking out. I started getting choked up the moment I saw Craig LMFAO. The audience was going NUTS. They spoke about doing the show all those years ago and if they remembered their first auditions (Toran revealed he didn’t originally audition for Arnold, he possibly auditioned for Stinky but wasn’t sure). Craig said they were doing the auditions where they made Ren and Stimpy. Then they discussed each of their characters at length. Craig noted he voiced all the animals including Abner, lol. Anndi also talked about how she was competitive like Phoebe, and tried to join Boy Scouts as a kid. 

It was revealed that Toran was playing a character of Che, who is Olga’s love interest in the film. We saw the character lineups that we’ve seen before as well as some new ones. Everyone was laughing with Rhonda’s newly revealed jungle outfit. Craig said she Rhonda is going to have a hard time in the jungle. Olivia was like “Thanks Craig. Do you hate me or something?” lmfao. 

They were showing new stills and every time a new one was shown the audience oooh’d and ahhh’d. Craig then introduced the trailer and I died. I really fricken died. I was a mess. The girls I was sitting with were choking up too. When the lights went back up, Franny looked over at Anndi with her hand over her mouth like she was ready to cry and they hugged each other, Anndi started crying. Most of us stood up and clapped and cheered. I CRIED EVEN MORE. Craig was like “let’s play it one more time!” and we all cheered lmao. So we watched it again, and I caught things the second time around I for some reason didn’t notice the first time. We then had a Q&A.

The one girl I was sitting with asked a really great question about if Craig incorporated any of the technology and animation styles from Dinosaur Train and Ready Jet Go into TJM. He seemed impressed by the question. People asked about Mr. Simmons sexuality, Gertie’s role in the film, Phoebe x Gerald, so on and so forth. Some people just complimented Craig on things that they loved about the show. There were a couple weird moments. Someone asked Craig how it felt when the first movie didn’t do well leading the series cancellation...I was like ??????? He then got up from his seat and was like “WELL AT LEAST WE’RE GETTING THE JUNGLE MOVIE NOW!” and we all cheered :D

SADLY the panel came to an end and I started crying again. It was so much fun. I can’t even express it properly here. The vibe in there was awesome and everyone was so excited and happy. They were taking a group picture on the stage and people then rushed up to the stage to shake Craig’s hand like a freakin rockstar (I have pics of it). It was so funny. He was like “guys I have to get off the stage” lmao. 

I then had a couple hours to kill between the panel and the signing so I headed over to Javits. It was MOBBED. I wasn’t sure how it could be worse than yesterday but it was lmao. I saw amazzzzzing cosplay. My phone was dying and my portable charger was drained but I was like whatever we can’t take pics at the autograph session anyway (which apparently was not enforced -_-) I sat for awhile and calmed my nerves down and then realized I had no idea where the signing was since it wasn’t clear in my email. I asked so many people and staff and NO ONE knew. I finally found it in the corner of the Autographing area. I saw the one 14 yr “it’s a long story” girl hanging around there and I was like “is this the line for Arnold?” and she was like “Yeah, but it’s for lottery winners ONLY.” I was like ‘I know I have a ticket.’ and she shot me this weird look and was like “You’re lucky.” LISTEN HONEY, YOU WEREN’T EVEN BORN WHEN THIS SERIES ENDED I’VE WAITED TOO LONG FOR THIS don’t sass your elders like that!

I got in line. I was pretty okay waiting. I realized Lucius Malfoy from Harry Potter and Pornstache from OITNB were doing signings at the booth next to us lmao. Finally the cast came out and I was okay, totally calm. Then I was up next and my heart started beating out of my fricken chest lord have mercy.

I can’t tell you everything because I feel like I blacked out a portion of it lmao. Craig was the first person you go up to. I said “Hi Craig.” and he said “Hi! What’s you’re name?” I said Andrea and he asked me to spell it. Then I was like “It’s really so nice to meet you.” he asked me if I watched the show growing up and I as like ?!?!??!?!?!@!@PUQIOERDuwqajdJALSDJAKLD YES. I told him how I made a petition when I was 11 and mailed it to Nickelodeon. He got a kick out of that and asked if I sent to the 1515 New York address, which I do remember was the address I had at that time. He’s like “so maybe in a way you influenced this” I was like, “I hope so!” and he asked me if I went to the panel and I was like ALDJASLKDJAKLJLK YES. I told him how the energy in the room changed once the first panel was over. I was like, “IT WAS COOL AND ALL BUT WHEN IT ENDED THE ENERGY CHANGED” and he loved that and said he heard the hollering from the audience backstage and asked the staff what the audience was cheering for and she said it was for them and he couldn’t believe it! I told him that it really meant so much to me to that this was happening. I told him I was beyond thrilled for him and couldn’t wait. He thanked me and I really felt like he meant it. He was sooooo nice and so interested in what I had to say. Franny was next to him and I said “Hi Francesca, so nice to meet you” And she asked how I pronounced my name and such. I told her I was like “I don’t know if you remember but a few years ago I emailed you about doing a paper on Helga.” She was like “YEs!” And I thanked for her for taking the time to do that and giving such great answers. She asked me if I graduated college, what I majored in, what I was doing now, what the class was for, etc. Like, me? Let’s talk about you? Then I spoke with Anndi, who asked if I would consider shortening my name to hers lol. She was very very sweet and warm and beautiful in person. I think I blurted something stupid to her and Olivia at the same time about Instagram like, “you guys are so cool!” LMAOOO. What a moron. 

Anyway they all were incredible and down to earth, they seemed just as excited to meet us as we were to meet them. Olivia asked if I went to the panel, and Anndi said “She was in the front row!” I think they asked this because prob some of the lottery winners were not even fans lmao. 

I’m missing some detail because like I said, I feel like I blacked out aldkjasdjasdkl, but it was AWESOME. The whole day was just so fun. It was beyond my expectations. The trailer was incredible - I really am so stoked now. Like, the movie looks so fun and action packed. I am so glad I decided to go because it was really something I will remember and hold close to me the rest of my life. I wish we could all have a screening to watch the movie together because it was too fun being in that room with all the fans experiencing that collectively. I am so grateful for the experience, and to be apart of such an incredible fandom that has such a wonderful cast and creator behind it. I could not ask for better. I feel so lucky.

I love you guys! I hope you enjoyed my coverage on ig story. I’m gonna image dump on here soon from my experience. I’m so excited, we are so close and it’s all feeling real now!

[formyboys]

Jack 2 yrs old

10/18/18

Baby Jack, you were born 2 years ago and 2 days! Oh man I remember those few days. You were so tiny and shmushed and new. I remember how I immediately realized I needed you to be next to me all the time or you needed to be next to me. We needed each other. The first night or two it was just so natural to have you curled up under my arm, it ended up being the only way you or I would sleep for the first 8-9 months of your life. I always felt so guilty like I was doing it wrong, but there was no other way I could do it. It made us both so content. I think all that cuddling and warmth was really good and hopefully you’ll always be that affectionate and warm.

So for your 2nd birthday we had a huge bash. We’ve lived in our house on Oakbury for almost a year and I didn’t really throw you a first birthday party because we were staying in Airbnb’s. So I wanted to throw you a party and see all our friends and fam. It was such a great party! We had in the backyard with a Pizza place that brought their own brick ovens, a balloon making man, activities for the kids and Dakota Fanning even showed up. I mean, that’s pretty damn cool, even if it’s just because we’re next door neighbors. You were the cutest, running everywhere, playing with all the kids, getting in the ball pit trying to coerce partygoers into giving you gummy bears. Lol. I don’t think you succeeded but I heard it was really hard to turn you down.

We had your 2nd year check up yesterday and you’re so perfect. 95% height 85% weight and cute as button. Currently our days are filled with Juana and you can pronounce her name now perfectly in Spanish. And you say it all the time over and over. She comes in in the morning and makes us all breakfast and then takes you on a walk where you meet up with Nelly and the kids she nanny’s. Juana makes you lunch and plays with you and then puts you down for your nap. You sleep most days for 1.5-2 hrs. When you don’t sleep we pay for it in the evening with a fussy toddler. She loves you so so much, she’s super positive and I trust her fully. I’m working from home and super busy but at least I don’t feel like I’m missing your childhood. My favorite is when you get up from your naps and you’re a little sleepy but happy and you give the best hugs. You’re super opinionated and you like things done your way, you like to place  everyone where you want them to be, and you take me by the hand to show me things and ask for things. You’ve learned how to get what you want that’s for sure, you’ll say a word like ‘baby’ which means you want my iPhone to look at pics of yourself, but actually you’ll go to YouTube to watch videos, so I’ve taken to deleting YouTube so that you just access the photos. But when you ask you’re so convincing and you’ll make this little smile like, c’mon mom, I’m so cute! And it totally works I’m such a sucker for my Baby Jack. Didn’t know what it was like to love someone like I love you. You’re my whole world and your dad’s world.

10/19/18

Every night either your Dad or I take you to bed at 8pm we get you some milk and take you up, brush your teeth and read some of your favorite books. Right now you are very into Bunnies. You have a stuffed bunny and we saw a real bunny when we were visiting Lolli and Pops in CO and you were very interested in it. We read you The Runaway Bunny at bedtime when you  ask for the ‘Munnies’ and you love to say ‘Muney’ it’s so freaking adorable! We also read to you Good night good night Construction Site, Good night Gorilla, and Opposites, you love the opposites and you say Opposite like ‘apeetah’ so cute. After we read some stories I sing a coulple of songs to you, Hallelujah and Black Bird, I need some new ones. And then I put you in your crib and kiss you through the bars. And now I can just put a blanket over you and you go to sleep without a fuss. And then Dad and I watch a show or a movie and before we go to bed we always go check on you and take a pic and admire our baby. Love of our life.

10.27.18

Today it was just you and me. Your dad was at a 40th bday celebration with 12-14 of his college friends golfing and eating nice dinners. You asked about him all day long, Dada? And I’d tell you again where he is and when he’ll be back. It’s so sweet how much you love him. We went to baby gym today. So fun to watch you play on everything and now you’ll climb up the stairs to the ball pit and just hurl yourself in. You still won’t say your name when it’s your turn but you only just turned 2 last week and most of the kids and between 2-2.5. I can tell it’s hard to be 2. You have a lot of big ideas and it’s especially hard when you can’t have your way. I try to explain every situation so that you’re not blindsided by anything we do, but it’s hard to be a mom too. I don’t always know what I’m doing and a lot of the time we’re busy and don’t have much time. But when you have ideas that we can help you fulfill I always try and help. Not that long ago you would say vroom vroom and get your shoes in the evening and nod your head like, cmon let’s get in the car! So I made sure we all got in the car and drove around the neighborhood a few times. I haven’t figured out what to do about screen time, because truth is your dad and I spend all of our days in front of a screen. Fortunately you have Juana during the week so your screen time is limited to occasional movies and YouTube with her but I’m way more lenient and your dad is too. Lazy parenting. Not proud of that. I planned lots of play dates this weekend though so that helps. Seems like the more people around the less screen time. I’m making a big pumpkin pancake breakfast tomorrow for my buddies, Brooke is spending the night, Ashley, Dayna and fam are coming over in the morning should be a nice day. And then a 2 yr old party for Siena at Baby Gym. You were driving your toy cars over my head as I put you to bed tonight. Melts my heart. Love you so crazy much baby dude.

10.30.18

Oh baby Jack. You have me wrapped around your little finger. You have since day one. Tonight you insisted that I rock you to cheep (sleep) and if I stop rocking you command me to RA. You are crazy about your ‘money’ (bunny) right now. Because we let you watch Peter Rabbit on Netflix which I actually really enjoy and constantly wonder what negative things it might be teaching you. But you insist on having your money with you to go to bed and to take downstairs in the morning. It’s pretty damn cute. Your vocab is growing exponentially. You repeat what we’re saying and some words I can’t understand and you’re so patient saying then over and over for me... but doesn’t usually help. For all I know they could be Spanish words. I love rocking you to cheep. It fills my soul, my heart, I cherish it so much. Your little body pressed against me it’s the best thing in the world. I spend way too much time putting you to bed. Love you little dude. You make my world go round.

[theanatomyletter]

here is a perfectly sane response to the climate emergency

Right so like 3 days ago once everyone found out a couple weeks too late that the literal amazon rainforest is on fire I went into a sort of anxiety/depressive spiral and it was terrifying!!! I was scared and shocked out of doing anything and kept thinking of all the bad things that are happening and how we are all going 2 die and kept thinking of how to make more ppl understand that climate destruction is part of the same racist project as white imperialism and I’m !!! Stressed !! And I was scared and freaked out!!! I remember as a kid one of my favourite things ever was the book Journey To The River Sea by Eva Ibbotson and I s2g that book made me a person it taught me so many things about what it means to love a place and to be alive in the world and how to sustain a sense of self and community in meaningful connection with that it means to be alive and here and breathing and it’s a book about the rainforest and the river and so I’ve just been,, thinking of it a lot, little blue butterfly from the cover floating thru my brain and all that. It’s hard!!! I thought I was afraid of not saving/earning enough money to do a masters next year but I was actually afraid of the consequences of the climate emergency. Pay more attention to your emotions and honour them for what they are and figure out what is at stake for you, what does it make you feel that the world is in crisis. I think that’s important

Depressing chat aside after I panicked and felt radicalised (what does that even mean?) I found this twitter thread which was basically like these are all the terrible things that can happen and here is how we stop them and at first I felt SO SCARED because there’s NO WAY we can actually organise mass strikes at this scale!!!! We have never had to organise at this scale before, I panicked and got really scared and went on a rant about how we have to use existing structures to fix things because we don’t have the time or resources to organise at this scale but like. I now think we actually do, I found this resource for organising strikes globally from 20TH TO 27TH SEPTEMBER and like, we have the Internet and we have a month to plan and prepare and if you are able to strike you absolutely should !!!!!! There are people smarter than me speaking to the urgency of this, I’m just having some feelings and writing this on my phone notes, but like. Read about strikes in your area. If there aren’t any, find resources to help organise one. Text your friends your colleagues your family whatsapp group the people you went to school with, spread the word and organise how you will sustain your community in that time

As a side note after I went on panic rants all over my social media I think I realised that terrifying people into frenzied action won’t work because it’ll often just scare them into inaction (that’s what it did to me) and I felt better only once I found that resource for actual organisation, the mass general strike felt like an impossible project until I found out it’s already being planned. So like, don’t be helplessly scared, we have multiple years to fix things, and I think this is important: REMEMBER TO BE ALIVE AND HERE AND BREATHING, it’s important to actually feel the absolute miracle that is consciousness otherwise all of the saving the world will have been for nothing. Take photos of your friends and give hugs to your pets and get drunk and go dancing and remember that what matters is that feeling of being so achingly alive and aware of your existence in the world when you look at the sky and feel dizzy with how small you are and how yet the whole universe is inside of your brain, remember to breathe and feel glorious and loud and bright and reckless.

On that note, I was having a hard time giving a shit about much but I copped on a bit after I talked to my friend Naoise Dolan (buy her book it is out soon !!!) I felt like calmer and more like I was allowed to enjoy things and write things (that’s why I finally pulled it together enough to do this) and so I LISTENED TO THE NEW TAYLOR SWIFT ALBUM ON REPEAT and I’ve decided I love it, here is my ranking of all its songs from worst to best, I have so many thoughts, the lyrics are golden, I’m so happy to be alive in the world at a time we can make things better and listen to music like this that’s tailor made (sorry) for us to forget about any guilt we may feel from bopping to boardroom produced songs about corporate feminism

18. Miss Americana and whoever the fuck

Idk what this obsession is with high school motifs (shout out Mike Dolan for pointing this out) like it’s just weird for a 29 yr old to use school as a metaphor for her love life. The “you win stupid prizes” bit sounds nice though. It’s like a low-key creepy obsessive song like why is she doing that funny voice? Is it meant to sound vaguely haunted? What’s going on

I’m also just tired of “America” (the white kind) as a cultural construct and it being used as an expression of identity in popular culture like we get it you built a nationalism out of “gas stations” and “hallways” and “whatever” but you’re still racist, Stop. Like it’s just an inherently violent construct and nobody white is reckoning with it responsibly so at least maybe stop romanticising it or just shut up. Heck yea I’m reading too much into this. I do what I want

17. You Need to Calm Down

This song is bad. It’s so bad. The lyrics are pointless, the ohoHHHH is annoying, her voice is irritating, it’s also just gross and patronising and tries to do twelve things at once (are we leading a parade to pat ourselves on the back for telling homophobes to “take several seats” or are we saying we “all have crowns” wtv that means?)

This song is actually just gross and it doesnt even SOUND GOOD

16. ME

It’s less problematic than you need to calm down and that’s the only reason it’s slightly less bad. It’s a garbage song idk why it exists i’m so mad at it

15. Paper rings

IM SORRY tHe mOoN is HIGH like your friends were the night that we first met I’m sorry WHAT miss swift we get it you have been near drugs, Jesus CHRIST this song is a juvenile childish self important mess. The lyrics r awful and her voice is sneaky and weird and she does weird noises and the chorus is dumb like the “uhuh that’s right” makes me want to give CHITTAR. Also she says darling WAY too much in this album like we get it you’re dating a Brit. It’s not The Worst song because if you pay zero attention to the lyrics or her voice it’s kind of fine sounding? It’s so bad tho lol, I remember when she wrote Mine and the video came out I was like wow wild this is weird and adult and why are you pregnant but this one is even MORE weird. I also HATE every time she says dreary mondays and “baby boy” (GROSS) and I hate that she keeps repeating it lol. The I hate accidents line is kind of fine

14. I forgot that you existed

I hate the lyrics and I hate the premise (we get it you’re indifferent that’s why you wrote a whole song about it) BUT it’s such a bop, it’s very /this feels like a perfect night to make fun of our exes/ vibes and I would be LYING if I said I didn’t enjoy that. Yes we exists

We are pretending her fake laughter and starting to talk in the middle of songs things isn’t real though. It wasn’t cute in we are never ever etc and isn’t cute now

13. I think he knows

I love the 16th avenue bit, it fills me with giddy happiness, the rest of the song is shit, and also lazy. Also stop being obsessed with being 17, it was weird in starlight and is weird now

The bridge is also sort of nice but not nice enough to redeem the rest of it

12. London Boy

Im sorry I promise I know this song is bad. It is bad. I hope it’s ironic? But it’s bad. It’s a weird colonialism complex fetishisation of posh brit whiteness and its even more gross when it’s like “btw IM american, DOUBLE whiteness”, it’s icky and bad. It is a bad song. I apologise for enjoying it and I promise I am ashamed but also u know what, if you ignore the lyrics entirely and pretend you’re 15 and un-enlightened about the violence inherent to the fetishisation of an english identity……….maybe a fun tune. I know. I know. I am sorry. I promise I enjoy it only ironically

11. The man

Corporate white lady feminism? With the word HUSTLE in it? In this economy? Yes obviously

The lyrics are a bit ehhhh but some of them are quite clever and I think she’s quite honest in this song in a rare sort of way without trying to exaggerate it for shock value and it’s a very like, this is my life, here you go, sort of tune, it doesn’t do anything for women’s rights but I think it sounds nice and is probably fun to dance to, and “I’m so sick of running as fast as I can, wondering if I’d get there quicker if I was a man” and “if I were a man, I’d be the man” are fUN lines !!! Idk how wild this comparison is but like, I feel this song is trying to deal with similar things as I know places (a very privileged rant, if you will, without much self awareness) but I think The Man does it better because it’s less self important and has less ambition about it solving or expressing the world’s worst problems.

10. False God

Ok, so, what is it with the religious motifs in this album, i don’t get it, though it kinda works a lot in this song? I wanted to rank this higher but after a few listens it got slightly grating, the beginning is a bit unecessary too? Like it’s trying to create this weirdly artificial aura of glamour and sophistication, it’s quite an unnerving and haunting song and I quite like that about it and it makes me a bit surprised and startled. This thing she’s doing with like slow, building, repeating tunes i think has worked the best in this song (we might just, get away with this, religion’s in your lips e-,ven if its a False gOd) also, THE ALTAR’S IN MY HIPS, OOF, the chorus does the trick honestly and i love when she’s like slightly laughing but in a wry sort of way. Love it tbh, something about it just makes me a bit stressed though and not in an intentional way (i think)

9. It’s Nice To Have a Friend

Miss taylor who gave you the RIGHT, to shove your hand into my chest and grab my heart and step all over it. I love it and it makes me cry and it’s so soft and sweet. Zero complaints abt it it’s a beautiful song. There r just MULTIPLE EXTREMELY GOOD SONGS that’s why it’s not like my absolute fav and im confused too as to why it’s so low but like. Idk. it is a very soft and sweet song. I love it. If anything maybe it’s a bit uncreative n lazy but i think that’s slightly on purpose so doesn’t rlly constitute a criticism

8. Death by a thousand cuts

I like this song a lot a lot. The lyrics are SO GOOD IM SO HAPPY SHES DOING GOOD LYRICS AGAIN. I love the “one for the agEs” line and i’m generally a slut for any mention of chandeliers in music or poetry (dont ask), her voice is delicate but proud and wild and i’m a fan, honestly, cannot wait to bop to this. The My my my bit is annoying tho

7. The archer

I HATE the bit where she says CoMbAt but otherwise this song is soft and lovely and gentle and I love it !!!!! I love the lyrics and I love her gentle restraint of how she slowly unfurls them and then let’s go in “help me hold onto you”, there is such a commanding frankness to it, it’s an ask for collaboration, an ask for honesty, an ask for I want to do this with you

I think it’s one of the strongest tracks lyrically and she also shows like great skill vocally which has been annoyingly missing from so much of what she’s recently produced. I feel like there’s a bunch of annoying stylistic choices (the they see right thru me bit is grating) but like the song overall is lovely, I think you can feel in her voice she knows she’s created something good and it’s not the usually insufferable IM A GENIUS vibe. WHO COULD EVER LEAVE ME DARLING, BUT WHO COULD STAY !!!

6. Soon you’ll get better

Made me cry. We’re not talking about this one

5. Lover

This song is soft loving, slow whispers, careful realisations that you can build a life with whatever you like and love will save everything, I love it, I love it I love it I love it, “can I go where you go?” moves me to tEARS it is such a soft and gentle expression of care, it is such a kindness, it’s such surrendering, such reckless care, I love it so much, it’s so hopeful and also sure, it’s so frightful but also unafraid. I think this is one of Taylor’s most earnest songs ever and it does the thing of combining that earnestness with brazen daring that doesn’t turn into embarrassment only because she commands her lyrics with such certainty, and that’s rare and often I think that daring has ended badly for her (LOL most of reputation) but here it’s done so beautifully and w so much happiness and LOVE, this song is truly just a beautiful lil piece of art with so much happiness dripping thru it

4. Cornelia Street

This song. This SONG. It builds up so beautifully with this ever so slightly hesitant fascination with its own emotions, i’m so obsessed with it, the lyrics are lovely and perfect, i was expecting it to feel slightly forced and oddly specific because wtf is a cornelia street anyway, but it WORKS. I think it wants me to think of like a glowy streetlighty street and it DOES THAT, “filling in the blanks as we gooooo” sounds so gorgeous and does that thing with her voice which literally is just showing off that Yes She Does Know How To Sing and it’s so certain and sure and restrained and open and bare (again in “i thought you were leading me onnnnn”). Also, “the city screams your name” should be a tired cliche but its just an excited expression of abandon im,, in love. The song is so shaky and uncertain but completely confident and relaxed at the same time and it FEELS EXACTLY LIKE COMING TO TERMS WITH BEING IN LOVE AND WANTING IT TO LAST FOREVER, also like, when did she learn how to write good bridges again because yEs

3. Daylight

Solely for the lines “i’ll tell you the truth, but never goodbye // i don’t want to look at anything else now that i saw you” she deserves a grammy it actually pierces my emotions and makes me want 2 explode, this song is sooooo lovely and it has the vibe that makes me feel like i’ve already heard it years ago (but maybe thats because ive had the album on repeat 2 days straight) but it’s just,,, very good and it feels like sunset and glitter and i think is a perfect ending to a great album i love how it builds intensity and then strips it down and just,,, love it.

2. Afterglow

This is i think, one of the most beautiful things this woman has ever produced, one of the loveliest and most powerful songs ever made, i love it so very much. She finally learnt how to do autotune properly lol, this song is like, a crescendo of emotion, everything is falling down around it and it’s like a little haven of bare, frank honesty and complete surrender, of complete vulnerability, the whole song sounds like an act of care and an act of expressing pure emotion, it’s so gorgeous. It moves so softly and doubles in on itself and she’s sorry and sad but so proud of this love and so certain of its importance, “i’m the one who burnt us down”, it’s such a zooming in on a very specific emotion and it’s done so well, i love it

1. Cruel summer

I LOVE THIS SONG. I LOVE THIS SONG. The lyrics are flighty and exciting and shivery, WHAT DOESNT KILL ME MAKES ME WANT YOU MORE- plug that shit into my VEINS. This song makes me feel like it’s 2015 and nothing is real yet and I’m living inside a YA novel and my biggest problem is my crush being mean to me and I’m RELISHING in that freedom and indulging every last drop of emotion because being alive and paying attention to it is incredible and Extremely Cool Actually (I DONT WANT TO KEEP SECRETS JUST TO KEEP YOU, dead right gal)

That said. Organise for the climate strike. Read up on what’s going on so you can answer questions in your family whatsapp group. Field those conversation, DO THAT EMOTIONAL LABOUR (again, what even), spread the word. But take care of yourself !!!! Listen to Taylor swift and remember that we are an absolute joke of a species, we went to the MOON, we can do this, I love you

[fireladybuckley]

Survey thingy

I was tagged by @southernbellestatues, and @outside-the-government! (and potentially others but broken tags, y’know) Thanks! :)

Tagging: @star-trekkin-across-theuniverse @fandomheadrush @medicatemedrmccoy @mcbonescoy @lt-sammi-matthews @secretgaygentdanvers @thevalesofanduin @kaitymccoy123  @dolamrothianlady @jefferson-in-the-tardis @taylorjacksonandtheolympians   + anyone else!  I have no idea who else has been tagged (I know quite a few people have already) so consider yourself tagged. :)

1. Drink? I’m trying to drink mostly water right now.  I am addicted to diet pepsi though (especially with cherry in it), and I’m also fond of most of David’s tea teas iced.

2. Phone Call? Usually my Mom or Gramma. 

3. Texting? Generally my Mom and @outside-the-government.  I don’t get a lot of texts lol

4. Last song you listened to?  I don’t remember what the last song I intentionally listened to was, but I’m currently listening to “Two Fux” by Queen/Adam Lambert in my head right now, so... that counts.

5. Last time you cried? When we watched Moana a few days ago.  

 6. Dated someone twice?  Edit: Was just informed this meant dating someone, then breaking up, then dating them again.  Yes, I have done this once, with my very first BF actually

7. Kissed someone and regretted it? Nah

8. Been cheated on?  Yes.  My high school BF was a dick.

9. Lost someone special? Unfortunately, yes.

10. Been depressed? A lot.

11. Gotten drunk and thrown up? Nope.  I get uncomfortable really fast when I drink so I’ve never even really been properly drunk, let alone so drunk I’ll puke.

Favorite Colors

12. Deep blues

13. Deep purples

14. the teals of shallow ocean waters 

In the last year have you…

15. Made new friends?  A few, I guess?   I’m pretty socially awkward so, I dunno.  I can never tell if someone is actually/wants to be friends with me regardless of how i feel about them.

16. Fallen out of love? Yep.

17. Laughed until you cried?  So many times.  Usually with Jules.  It hurts so much when we laugh that hard.

18. Found out someone was talking about you? *sigh* yep.

19. Met someone who changed you?  I once read that every person you meet shapes you and changes you, even just a tiny bit.  Some people far more than others... Jules, my family, several of my profs, and several of my friends have made me what I am today. <3

20. Found out who your friends are? Yep.  Too many people have stabbed me in the back in the past.

21. Kissed someone on your Facebook list? Yes indeed. 

22. How many of your Facebook friends do you know irl? The vast majority of them.  A few are internet friends that live too far away to have met

23. Do you have any pets?  My two gorgeous kitties and two fish tanks.  I love my furbabies <3

24. Do you want to change your name?  I’ve seriously considered it.  Also considered legally adding a second middle name.  Haven’t decided on the middle name yet but I’m not going to change my first name anymore.  I’m not overly fond of “Danielle” but I do like “Dani” so I’ll live with it.

25. What did you do for your last birthday?  IIRC we went to the Valley Zoo here in Edmonton, I remember seeing Lucy (the elephant) and Jules bought me a little chameleon plushie dude :D  This year we’ll be camping on my birthday!

26. What time did you wake up? 7am, then 7:30, then 8:30, then 9:15, etc etc.  Eventually dragged my ass out of bed at 10

27. What were you doing at midnight last night?  Ummm playing WoW, I think.

28. Name something you can’t wait for:  Camping!  In just 3.5 weeks now!

29. When was the last time you saw your mom?  Last May :(   Unless webcamming counts, then it was only a month or so ago haha. What happened to 30?

31. What are you listening to right now? Construction in the apartment above ours and the popping/cracking noises of Jules eating sunflower seeds. 

32. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom?  Yeah, I had a crush on a guy named Tom when I was like 13.  He was fun.

33. Something that is getting on your nerves? The construction in the apartment above ours.  (Though the fact that they’re renovating in there means that a major source of my usual irritation is gone-the guys above us used to be very obnoxious)

34. Most visited website? Absolutely Tumblr.  Also Facebook, Not Always Right and WowHead are probably the next most visited.  (CHECK OUT NOT ALWAYS RIGHT, they have all kinds of funny stories)

35. Hair color. Medium brown with red undertones and a bit of light chesnutty/auburn from a past dye job.

36. Long or short hair? Long-ish, I had to get a few inches cut off recently so not as long as before.  But past my shoulders several inches for sure

37. Do you have a crush on someone?  I have crushes on so freaking many celebrities/characters, but my only RL crush is @outside-the-government ;)  Because she is my awesome GF.  Unless you count my soci prof, then yes okay I have one crush

38. What do you like about yourself? My sense of humor and love of/passion for nature

39. Piercings?  Two per ear lobe, one on my upper right ear (helix), and my left nostril.  Love my nose piercing <3

40. Blood type? B+, so I have to Be POSITIVE.  Kek.  Sorry that was terrible.

41. Nickname? Dani, Wifey

42. Relationship status? Common law. *squee*

43. Zodiac?  Leo!  (Also Tiger, for the Chinese one)

44: Pronouns: She/Her.

45. Favorite TV Show: Supergirl, Smallville, Warehouse 13.

46. Tattoos? Just my Serenity tattoo on my left ankle (that matches Jules’) for now.  I don’t have money for more but I want more SO BAD

47. Right or left handed? Right.

48. Surgery?  Dunno if it counts as actual “surgery” but my wisdom tooth extraction (I had 5) and I had a small cyst-y thing removed from my boob once.

49. Piercing?  This is a repeat

50. Sports?  I played soccer for most of my adolescence (8-16 yrs old)

51. Vacation? I’m too poor for a proper vacation haha.  We’re going camping in less than a month though so I’m psyched for that!

52. Pair of trainers? I had to retire my favourite pair fairly recently and I’m still sad haha.  Generally I wear knockoff skechers because they’re comfy AF

53. Eating? I had hot dogs for brunch.

54. Drinking? Water and coffee.

55. I’m about to? Get ready for work x| kill me.

56. Waiting for?  short term:  getting home from work and soaking my feet (and playing WoW) long term: camping and going back to school

57. Want? Some money would be nice.  And time off with Jules so we can do fun stuff.  Our schedules seem to be opposite lately, blah.  And for people to just be NICE to others ffs.

58. Get married?  Hopefully to my wifey one day <3

59. Career? If student is a career, then that.  Bio major BSc student.  

60. Hugs or kisses? Hugs <3

70. Turned someone down? Yeah, surprisingly.  It’s awkward AF.  Especially when it’s a complete stranger.

71. Sex on the first date? Definitely not.  I’m demi, I need some kind of connection first.

72. Broken someones heart? Probably not

73. Had your heart broken? Yep, several times.

74. Been arrested? Lol no, the most illegal thing I do on a regular basis is jaywalk.

75. Cried when someone died? Uh, yeah... I cry at sad commercials ffs, my empathy knows no bounds, especially if someone DIES.  ;_;

76.. Fallen for a friend?  Hell yes :D  @outside-the-government have been best friends for 13 years and a couple for 3, so... perfect example :D

do you believe in…

77. yourself? Sometimes, but definitely not often enough.

78. Miracles? I dunno.  Crazy, seemingly impossible shit definitely does happen but I’m not sure how I feel about it being called a “miracle”.  Dunno.

79. Love at first sight? Potentially... My parents met and married within 3 months (and at least half that time they were apart in different provinces)... might not have been love at first sight, but it was definitely something at first sight.

80. Santa Claus? I used to believe, then I realized that Santa has the same writing as Mom and all the same wrapping paper as us haha

81. Kiss on the first date? Yeah probably :)

82. Angels?  I dunno.  To believe in the generalized concept of “angels” you kind have to believe in God, Heaven and all that jazz, and I don’t.  I feel like there could be spirits watching over us, but I don’t think they’re actual angels, no..

83. Current best friends name?  Jules (and technically Nicole, we’ve been internet best friends for like 15 years, even though we don’t talk much at all lately (goddamn timezones))

84. Eye color?  Blue :)

85. Favorite movie?  Of all time?  Legally Blonde. Most recent favourite? Wonder Woman

[princettegil]

1. What is your name/chosen name? Tiffi. Gil/Hime.

2. Where are you on the beautiful rainbow of gender? Demi...girl...? Maybe? Mostly female. *shrugs*

3. What animal do you feel you relate to the most? CATS! Mostly domestic but sometimes large cats like cheetahs and lynx.

4. What animal do you feel that you are mentally/spiritually? Domestic cat. Sort of fluffy and multi-colored.

5. When you shift is it usually indoors or outdoors? 
 Mostly indoors when I hear something and my ears twitch or my tail flips or when I wanna paw or bat at things.

6. What would you say is the hardest part of being mentally/spiritually not-human? 
 Hm... not being able to openly be myself without ridicule. People think you're a 'freak' if you act like a cat in public or tell others about your cat-like tendencies.

7. What would you say is the most enjoyable part of being mentally/spiritually not-human? 
 Being able to commune and feel so much better near cats. Plus, I'm easily amused by small things like bells and string! XD

8. What are some of your not-human habits that interfere with your human life? 
 Trying to repress meows and hisses (esp hisses when I'm upset, the meows are better contained.)

9. How long would you say you have been aware that you are not entirely human in mind/spirit? 
 Probably since childhood but I didn't realize it was something that was different than others/had a name; it was just part of me.

10. What is one of your most memorable moments related to you being not-human? (can be past life memory or current life memory) Probably catching the birdie/shuttlecock with my 'paws' while trying to play badminton with my family.

11. If you have a mate/partner are they also in some way not-human? I am alone. ^_^ But my FP is sort of a snake/dragon-person.

12. Do you have any close friends who are also not-human? Nope. I'm pretty alone. ^_^

13. Does your family know about you being not-human? They know I love cats and wearing cat ears and acting catty... but that's about it, they don't know the full deal, just that I wear ears and meow sometimes.

14. What are some of your favorite pastimes? That are cat related? Playing with bell balls and taking naps and keeping myself company with my meows. Non cat related? Drawing and being an anime nerd.

15. What are some of your favorite not-human related recipes? I guess I really like fish? Though that's not exactly non-human related really.

16. If you could live as your not-human animal type where would you live? (any era/time period, any place) Ancient Egypt. They worship me there lol. j/k (But it'd be nice to visit!) Probably Japan or anywhere nice. Preferably a nice house that I can go in and out of with just a few neighbor kitties.

17. Share a picture of what you think you would look like in your not-human animal form. 
 I'm on mobile so best I can do rn is links, but probably similar to this: https://ak-s.ostkcdn.com/pets-images/230-px-11156907-Julianne-DiluteTortoiseshell-Female-21287761.jpg

18. Do you have any pets/animal friends that live with you or that are or closely related to your not-human animal type? Yes! I currently have two kitties! A 3 yr old shy tuxedo cat named Fiji and a 2 yr old fiesty tabby/torbie maine coon mix named Halo. :3

[sstarkiid]

do all of the lovesick asks bitch. expose urself

wow, ok.

read more thing bc this is long and embarrassing

1: Do you have a current crush?

Two actually but who's counting

2: How long has your crush lasted?

Uhh a few months n then the other one is weird i can't answer that lmao

3: 5 songs that you have associated with your crush?

I'm……..not that sappy I can give u like one

Ice prince : Runaways by ATL

Space boy : Stars by Fun.

4: Do you think they've ever liked you back?

I mean. It's very likely.

5: Will you ever reveal your feelings to them?

Yea probably

6: What’s holding you back from making a move?

It's not that I haven't made a move but like. I am Fear.

7: Are you frightened by your feelings for them?

A lil

8: Do you think they could ever love you?

Maybe???? but i’m kind of an optimist

9: Do you love them?

Lol next question

10: Have you ever had a crush on someone you really shouldn't?

DEFINITELY. I CAN'T NAME ANYONE SPECIFICALLY BUT THE ANSWER IS PROBABLY YES.

11: Do you think anyone currently has a crush on you

...IT'S VERY LIKELY.

12: Ever had a crush on what you thought was a platonic friend?

Hi Jared

13: What would you do if your crush revealed they felt the same?

I'd probably need a second to process it but like probably hug ‘em idfk

14: Has your crush ever hurt you?

Nope!!!!

15: Have they made you cry by breaking your heart?

Nope!!!!!!!!!

16: Why do you like them?

Ice prince is fun to tease idk we go back n forth a lot but he's also a softie n listen he's dramatic enough to keep up w/ me

Space boy tells u like it is and he seems kinda scary or not,, nice at first maybe but he's actually also soft !!

They're also both hot as hell oh my god

17: Do you think you'll ever get over them?

I mean. If I had to I would but...  I don't WANT TO.

18: Do you have 1 specific song that is strongly associated with a certain memory or interaction with them?

Mmm not really?? Not yet?? It'll happen dw

19: The moment you knew you had feelings for them?

We both got scared of the firework finale on the 4th and I squeaked and he like held onto me n it was really funny n cute n I was just like “ok this is a thing now great”

Uhh I was doing the typical girl thing where I send screenshots of a conversation to a friend only the friend is his sister so………..i blame her it’s literally all her fault

20: What would they have to do for you to stop liking them?

Murder someone probably

Or y'know

Something equally as shitty n illegal

21: Have you ever fallen asleep with them?

Yea. Both. Napping is cool.

22: Held their hand?

Mmhm! Both but like that's not that weird

23: Kissed their cheek?

Yup. Both.

24: Kissed them on the lips?

Yeah. Both. Actually.

25: Gone down on them/ they've gone down on you?

N O P E

26: Had sex with them?

Nuh-uh.

27: Where on your body have they touched you?

This is…. A weird question I don't like it

28: Does their touch set your skin on fire?

Fire.

Ice prince.

Fire.

HM.

29: Do you get butterflies when they touch you?

Ok maybe

30: Do they make you smile like no one else can?

Y e a

31: Does their presence calm you?

Mmhmm.

32: Does it make you go crazy being around them and not 'being with' them?

Not… until recently but---

33: Are you friends with your crush?

Both of ‘em!

34: Have you always been friends?

Uhh I guess w/ Ice prince yes but not the other one

35: Last thing they messaged you about?

One was abt a dog, other one was abt coming over to hang out

36: Best phone call with them?

Hands down any call when I've been driving so I make my brother talk to them instead those are always fun

37: Last time you hung out with them?

I. I literally started answering this in one of their houses.

38: Ever been drunk together?

I DON'T DRINK

39: Fondest memory of them?

The fireworks show n then probs a few days ago when we just drove around n talked abt stuff

40: Ever made a mistake with them?

Mistake??????????? i don’t make those

41: Regretted not making a move?

Every day of my life but also I have literally kissed both of them so which is the truth

42: If you could go back in time to that moment, what would you do?

Nothing ‘cause I'm a big baby

43: Do you think that would change your current relationship with them?

Nope

44: If you could get a 100% honest answer from them, what 3 questions would you ask?

ok first FUCK THIS QUESTION

Ice prince

Do u. Actually wanna date or am I just the most gullible person ever

.......................so how do you feel about polyamory

Do u actually hate the puns or do u secretly enjoy them I need to know.

Space boy

Are you aware that you can literally text me for anything at any time?? Bc u should be

Were you ever afraid to talk to me?

Will you promise to talk to me before doing stupid shit so that at the very least i can tell u that ur an idiot,,, but like. affectionately.

45: Did they wish you Happy Birthday on your birthday?

My birthday is in like another month and I didn't know either of them really last year so they better

46: Have they ever tried to make a move?

?????????

Idk tbh

47: If so why did you miss it?

‘Cause I'm clueless as hell

48: Have they ever been infatuated with a friend of yours?

Don't think so

49: Are they single?

Lol yeah they're definitely single

50: Where were you when you felt the most for them?

IT'S ALWAYS WHEN THEY'RE SLEEPING they both just look so cute n peaceful n I get all mushy n wanna protect them but I'm weak as hell so

51: Any specific place you associate with them?

Mmmm not really

52: Films that make you think about them?

Disney films in general

Marvel movies for Ice prince bc NERD

53: Have you picked up a habit because of them?

I don't think so but it's also not unlikely

54: What was your first impression of them?

Ice prince seemed antisocial and idk abt space boy we were like 5 yrs old technically so who knows man

55: Has it altered since then?

LMAO YES

56: Do you remember the first thing you talked about?

Probably musicals bc I can't shut up ever and he was confused

And uhhh no unless u mean like when we started hanging out bc it was candy

57: First time they touched you?

COLD

HE DID IT TO SPITE ME AND IT WAS FUNNY BUT IT WAS SO COLD HOW

And I'm 99% certain I made him high five me before we ever spoke bc I'm a nuisance

58: Have they ever lied to you?

Not that I know of

59: What are their eyes like?

Ohhhhh my GOD

really......clear?? that’s not like. a good way to describe em but u know when u look up at the sky and it’s like. wow there are no clouds!! n then u feel the breeze and it’s kinda cold but it’s not unpleasant it’s?? p nice??? like. that.

cool as FRICK like what the hell i’m actually jealous they’re a rly pretty nice shade n then suddenly it’s!!! different!!!! and it’s like!!!!!!!!!!!!! a surprise a v good surprise which is fitting u just gotta look a lil and he’s full of lil surprises

60: What are you most attracted to about them?

well,, for one they’re both hot as hell, so. that. in general.

if u know anything abt me i’m a sucker for pretty eyes

i also like the “soft but pretends to not be” because i think it’s cute they’re also really good to cuddle with

61: Can you see a future with them?

well i can’t see one without ‘em so something’s gotta give here right?

62: Have you sabotaged things between you two?

i freaking hope not

63: Why? What were you afraid of achieving? Love? Happiness? Content? Disappointment?

why does this thing assume you said yes to the above question that’s kinda rude

64: Could they make you happy?

already do

65: Do you dream about them?

if we’re friends and you haven’t appeared in one of my dreams and done smth weird or random are we actually friends??

side note does daydreaming count LOL

66: What's something that only you two do?

i don’t think i “gently bully” anyone nearly as much as i do ice prince also the only one who actually can cuddle w/ me properly in the summer i’m js

uuuummmm go on random drives in the middle of the night so tht zoe can make out w/ ppl instead of texting our sorry asses

67: Does liking them make you feel vulnerable?

you. have. no idea.

68: Have they ever given you anything?

food has definitely been exchanged and shared. i’ve stolen sweaters. uh.

69: Have they ever used you?

.........not that i’m aware of??

70: Have they abused and manipulated you due to your feelings for them?

nO WHAT TH E

71: Have you ever spent quite literally all day and night thinking about them?

that’s......a bit much i might be pathetic and somewhat desperate but like i do kinda have a life

72: Have you ever accidentally nearly walked into moving traffic cause you were thinking about them?

no but i’ve walked into walls because i was tired and thinking abt stuff so that’s a thing i probably have done

73: Ever worn anything knowing it would draw their attention to you?

YEAH LMAO I DO THAT ALL THE TIME IN GENERAL i like attention fight me

74: Have they ever made you feel so safe and content everything else slips away?

y e ah

75: Ever held you so close you could feel their heartbeat?

mmhmm

76: Truthfully do you think you belong together right now?

[taylor swift’s you belong with me playing in the distance]

77: Have they ever seen you completely vulnerable?

um. no.

78: Do you trust them?

i would trust all of my friends with my life

79: When you see them what feelings are strongest?

i just get?? really happy n i turn into a little kid i swear to god how does he put up with me

n he makes me feel really calm n content n just. good. u know.

80: Are they in love or interested in someone else?

d e a r l o r d i h o p e n o t

81: If they asked you to kiss them, would you?

in a heartbeat

82: Will they be in your life a year from now?

they BETTER BE

83: A moment where you so nearly gave into your feelings for them and did something about it?

i have literally kissed both of them and not because of dares what kind of,,

84: Do they know you have feelings for them?

i’m not exactly,,, subtle

85: Do you have a favourite picture with them?

no but i have favorite pictures of them

86: Your ideal date with them?

hey. concept. a double date. but like. instead of 2 couples it’s just me w/ both of them wow

87: What's their name?

it’s rly obvious that i’m talking about porter and connor fuck you

88: Have you ever been in their room?

i’ve been in connor’s but porter n i mostly chill other places

89: Shared a secret with them?

yeah but it’s not a secret if i tell the internet now is it?

90: Have they ever made you a promise and broken it?

don’t think so

91: Have they ever disappointed you?

nope!

92: Whats the most problematic thing about them, which you overlook due to your feelings for them?

uh. idk. porter’s kinda closed off to other people at first i guess that could be problematic. i’m patient w/ that shit so it doesn’t bug me as much idk

general relationships or lack thereof w/ other ppl tbh for both of them i think 

93: Have you ever had to compete for their affection?

no

94: For as long as they're in your life could you handle just being friends?

that’s what i do with p much everyone else but another way to approach this is if u couldn’t be together would u shut them out and the answer is no?? bc that’s kinda shitty

so yes

95: Ever looked for a sign to make a move?

every?? single second of every day but once again i have literally kissed both of them uh

96: What's standing in your way from being with them?

general anxiety

a single conversation

...lmao

97: Would you let them use you for sex?

this implies that,, they don’t care abt me and only themselves n they’re not really?? like that so?? it wouldn’t happen like that??

realistically knowing myself i wanna say no but i probably would which is Not Good i know

98: Ever had a bad feeling about them that's screaming for you to get out while you still can?

no. like. literally the opposite. wtf

99: If you could go back in time, would you avoid ever meeting them?

NEVER

100: You have 1 wish about them, what would you wish for?

that porter finds someone who makes him feel warm n fuzzy on the inside even if it’s not me

n for connor that one day everything is stable and everything is ok

anyway hey jared U SUCK