#12 years of anxiety
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depression is really weird actually wdym i spent 2.5 years of my life in bed
#and wdym that lifestyle changed so quickly into being out and about and an active member of the world??#very proud of myself#and i mean it wasn't that quick of a change#it was like 1.5 years primarily depression bedrotting with occasional school -> primarily depression bedrotting ->#primarily depression bedrotting with 3-9 hours of work weekly -> straight into 31+ hours school+9-12 hours work weekly#so there was somewhat of a gradual progression#but still#also wowza i wake up 7-7:30am every morning now. 1pm was an early wake up for a not so insignificant amount of time#i mean of all fundamental growth years to miss out on the ages like what 12/13-15 aren't too bad? they would suck in a different way if i#had been socially involved#anyway it's just. yea i'm proud of myself but it is a crazy lifestyle change#and even when i was deeply depressed in a horrible routine i feel like i learned a lot. how to regulate my emotions and cope well and find#the joy in everything. bc if i stayed in bed all day then i would at least be happy about the sun or whatever#and for the while of being not at school at all i WANTED to be at school i just could not find one bc our school system is so cute like tha#(basically every school is at capacity and the local school that has a guaranteed place for me would have been an all boys or girls 😭)#but i miraculously found and got into this school and miraculously made it work so well for me socially and now academically#it's also a good time to get back into school for my education bc any later and it woulda been pretty bad for all my certifications and uni#ive missed out on so much maths that its not worth it to me to try and catch up but my teacher knows that#but ive always hated maths regardless i only ever understood it for the first half of yr 7 then my attendance dropped#and after my recent exam i decided to try harder at school. but i still got an A on the exam i didn't study for!! academic weapon fr#i'm just idk thinking back to myself in the past few years#and how hopeless it all felt. but i got out of it!! i beat the depression and social anxiety and found a good place and made the most of it#and during the peak of my depression i remember i went out someplace near my old school and panicked so so badly about seeing#kids from my old school. and the friends at the time didnt really check on me when i went to shake and cry in a side street lmao#i kept the best of that friendgroup and have better friends now. but anyway now i take a bus each morning with some kids from my old school#and you see these hands? they look like they're shaking to you?#anyway yeah it's just cool i got to this point :) i really had no hope for so long but now i have a life i'm living and a future i'm build#--ing towards#which is funny i just decided some random day last november after watching some better call saul 'huh actually lawyer would b pretty cool'#and will i get there? we'll see but i do have hope now
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started watching heartstopper and i've been super careful because of the whole eating disorder. turns out that isn’t even the issue anymore. what absolutely blindsided me was the scene where their mum sends tori to get charlie before dinner. tori being so worried, tori noticing that there’s something wrong when their parents joke about the lack of seasoning. siblings being there for siblings because their parents suck at actual parenting or even worsen a situation at times...... seems like years of therapy can help you manage disorders but what's even harder to overcome is the feeling of absolute despair, being completely alone in the world with no one to turn to or even to trust
#heartstopper#sorry this is depressing i know#ep2 just hit me in the face and i wasn't prepared for this#my oldest sister has borderline#my older brother was addicted#then there's me with eds since i was 12 and anxiety and depression since i was 15 but diagnosed only in my 20s#and then my little sister who's trying..... i know she is but she's just as broken but won’t let anyone near her#my dad working 60 hours a week completely overworked narcissistic hothead leaning towards alcoholism#and my mum suffering years of generational trauma - a super nervous anxious perfectionist with an eating disorder herself#both parents reqlly hard working but no access to education and any progressive ideas such as how to properly treat your children's issues#mental health#what's that#talking to therapists???#nope that's for actually sick people#damn.......#i can't believe this triggered so much#charlie spring#tori spring#spoilers
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he has worse posture than me when i’m drawing someone get him to a chiropractor
#FINAL MINCEMEAT PORTRAIT 🗣️🗣️#this took me over a month because i got absolutely destroyed by artblock but its okay guys we are so back#hopefully#we’ll see how nicely year 12 treats me artistically#anyway i did miss drawing things and actually liking the final drawing#i love charles cholmondeley#full of anxiety <3#operation mincemeat#operation mincemeat musical#charles cholmondeley
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Just finished rereading lotr, this man sure has a signature move
#your honor I’ve loved him for 12 slutty slutty years#look at him he’s got anxiety#lotr newsletter#lotr#aragorn#back on my doodles while I’m procrastinating my actual projects
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An artistic rendition of an experience i had in animal jam when i was 12
Ngl i'm surprised i still have a screenshot of what my old AJ avatar looked like
I only ever played the mobile version, play wild, because i didn't have a computer and didn't know the original existed. I remember i only played as an arctic wolf because all DA KOOL KIDZZZ were doing it (...and also i didn't know what my favorite animal was, this was before i decided to make bunnies my entire personality)
#artists on tumblr#art#digital art#digital illustration#shitpost#shitposting#meme#jokes#funny#animal jam#animal jam play wild#kids mmo#childrens mmo#online games#random memory#random memories#nostalgia#this is what happens when a 12 year old with undiagnosed anxiety plays an online game#comic#personal story
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tomorrow is babies first pride.... ah im so nervous!
#(baby has been out in some capacity for 12 years at this point)#nyxtalks#im nervous about the whole. deal but also just. some information has been more of a pain to find than it should have been#and i dont know what to expect and i dont even really have full control over my own actions which is usually my coping mechanism#so im starting to get anxiety jitters#itd be way less bad if i knew exactly what my plan was. how i was getting there. where to go. etc but thats not clear#so i cant even comfort myself with that exact plan to deal with crowds and uncertainty about even being there#(and a fresh dose of not NB enough! yay)#the only thing i can genuinely control is what i wear and im not sure ive made good choices with that#i mean its cute but very out of my comfort zone and perhaps. setting myself up to overheat#augh
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Mental illness is so stupid. What do you MEAN I'm getting anxious about playing a video game. Fuck off
#spitblaze says things#today im specifically being hit with 'having interests in public is the most embarassing thing you can possibly do'#thanks kyle. appreciate it#(<- has learned to help mitigate anxiety by thinking of it as a stupid 12 year old on xbox live and talking back)
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so funny to me that i have a marauders blog but i dont ever talk about my favorite characrer or my actual otp because im just that protective of them
#its sirius and wolfstar btw#i get heart palpatations if i mention them#sorry but they’re mine and mine alone#for almost 12 years (IN AZKABAN!!) they’ve been mine❤️#they fall in love in every universe and it genuinely gives me anxiety thinking of them with other people <3#<- nomal girl behaviour#i can talk about them with sude but i still generally dont❤️#but i trust sude with them<3
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Bootstraps & Band-Aids
I dusted off my planner this afternoon and stared at it. Something in the upper right corner of each page puzzled me for a minute. A number? On each, the numbers either 1 - 12 followed by an X, then the sequence starting again.
Dafuq?!
Oh! *facepalm* In all the chronic illness and political kerfuckery I completely forgot I'm supposed to be 12 Week Yearing. I'm currently on a Week 7. Okay, um... *panic-flail*
Okay. Okay. I can do this. I have basic daily tasks. I have seasonal tasks. I have writing to...
Oh fuck shit hell damn. I haven't written since day-before Election.
Wait. No. I can reset. I'm not behind, I'm right where I left off and it's okay.
This is what happens when everything I've been juggling - all the emotion, uncertainty, medical drama, etc. - falls on my head, finally and all at once.
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also just a heads up, im probably not going to do anything major until this weekend when im off work! so no theme or posts until then 😔
#12 years on tumblr and im getting anxiety about posting and reblogging#i hate this#its ridiculous#cj talks
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Seeing what presents my baby sister gets and realising I really drew the short straw by being the firstborn
#Demon Spawn#+Extras#tell me why this three year old got a pet budgie for her birthday? she cant even spell yet#none of my siblings have ever had personal pets i wasnt allowed a hamster when i was 12 and neither was anyone else but the 3 year old??#she got her own heat pool for her birthday as well and a barbie dream house taller than her for Christmas#and what did i get childhood trauma perfectionism a fear of failure and anxiety#my mum always goes over the top with the youngest girl it happened with my middle sister in that 5 year gap before my mum got pregnant again#i didnt even make it 2 before my mum was pregnant so i never really got to reap the rewards of being the youngest#the lil ones get spoiled to hell and they get a mum with a fully developed frontal lobe and chiller parents#being the oldest sucks there are no benefits to it only responsibilities#btw im not mad at my sister or whatever its nice for her that she gets to have these things#but what do you mean i got the shtty childhood parents and i still have to argue to be allowed to bare minimal at 23 when the 3 year old#gets special treatment that the rest of us wouldnt even bother asking for cus we dont have all the things that came before that point#my issue is that the preferential treatment she gets is useless to her. she didnt ask for a barbie dreamhouse and she cant even play with it#because shes too short whe doesnt need her own pool because she cant even swim yet she doesnt need her own tablet she cant read yet#she shouldnt have her own pet when she cant understand what it means to own a living creature#especially when we dont currently have any other pets in the house#my issue is that the spoiling doesnt even make sense for her age she cant enjoy it cus it doesnt make sense yet doesnt mean anything to her#my mum wants to spoil her cus shes her littlest girl but shes had 7 kids before this she knows whats age appropriate and this isnt
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smoking a sativa strain while drinking my coffee for a special feeling I like to call AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
#i am all but physically running 30mph in a cross-country race right now#I wanna smoke an indica to calm myself down but then I'll crash from the coffee 5x harder#i thought the sativa would just help with my lethargy#oh yeah it sure did! it did work! yes! but also now I have WAY TOO MUCH energy and I'm in too much pain to get it out#weed usually really helps my anxiety but this sativa strain is STRONG and has me nervous af#this is the first time since I was a teenager where I'm actually like ''oh fuck I smoked too much'' AND I DIDN'T SMOKE MUCH#i've been a daily stoner for 12 years but shit like this never happens to me#even w sativa strains i've had in the past#it's from the dispensary so it's not like it's laced or anything#.bdo
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Wow, it took me only a day and a half to realise I am on the verge of meltdown and I’ve been in near constant sensory overload for a week now! Autism sucks sometimes.
#i’ve been so stressed about moving room (swapping rooms with my sister really) that my anxiety is jumping all over the place#and now that i’m about to spend the last night in the room i’ve had for the past 12 years i’m unable to sleep#the bags piled everywhere the bare walls and empty shelves are just too weird and throw me off#hate change! hate change! hate change!#even the good changes fuck up too much with my autistic brain#personal post#rant#actually autistic#anxiety
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i've been teetering at the edge of a full blown mental breakdown for the past week and a half and the academic year hasn't even started yet :))
#WHY didn't i drop out at the end of my 2nd year#love how the repeat assignments (which i'm doing now because i got a health-related deferral last year) have a two week window between bein#given out and the deadlines#like it's ok if i was repeating one subject or two BUT NOT SIX#i'm working on them for 12 hours per day and also having a job and an anxiety attack at least twice daily#and i NEED to pass this year#i guess i''m really not made for college after all
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.
#the past week i've been waking up early and feeling wide awake O.O#then i scroll on my phone for 2-3hrs then i get tired and fall asleep again#it's super annoying bc it messes w my sleep schedule#and like... i missed class today bc i did this!!!!!! wth....#my sleep hasnt worked normally since like november 2022 tho#it's been roughhhhh but it just wont get better again#i wake up every 3hrs nd then go back to sleep nd i do this for maybe 9hrs sometimes 12 🥴#and i get up at like 12-13 nd thats not good when i have classes at 9 nd 10 lol#i dont know it's just super frustrating! i've been struggling w my sleep for over a year nd it just wont get better#nd like i just wanna sleep thanks!!!!#(ofc since i have health anxiety my mind starts spiraling abt how sleep's essential nd it's while sleeping your body regenerates nd heals#nd since i dont sleep well my body isnt healing as well!!!! so then im fucked right?!?!? then my lack of sleep is making me sicker right?!)
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Just in case anyone isn’t already aware, if someone you care about is having a difficult time, telling them “it could be worse, at least you’re not dealing with xyz like I had to” is a supremely shitty thing to do. No matter how well-meaning you’re trying to be.
You can be compassionate and sympathetic to others’ problems without belittling them and acting as if what they’re dealing with isn’t a big deal because in your mind you’ve been through worse.
People who are dealing with painful/stressful/anxiety inducing situations generally do not want to be told “you’ll be fine, I went through worse, this is nothing really”. Most of the time the situations are not even comparable in the least. People want to feel supported, not belittled for how they’re feeling or judged for how they’re processing their situations.
#I’m currently on the receiving end of this kind of treatment from one of my closest friends#it feels so alienating and like I’m completely alone#I’m going through what is without a doubt the most anxiety inducing situation in my life#and instead of being supported this is the kind of treatment I’m getting#it just makes me angry and feel completely alone#don’t fucking treat people like this if you actually give a shit#this is the first time I’ve ever felt angry with her like this in the 12 years I’ve known her
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