#1.5 years? longer? idk

[kimmkitsuragi]

like personally *i* can't fix him and im not trying to do it. wyll ravengard on the other hand. if he cant fix him then no one can

prev post is why im gonna play as astarion and then romance the fuck out of wyll. hahaha get manipulated and corrupted idiot- wait what. wha-

[ladycatofwinterfell]

I’m once again struggling with if I’m going to post the next Harrenhal au fic all in one go or do a chapter or two at a time. Because the first chapter is finished and I’m dying for someone to read it, but also I know that will make me put off writing more and posting everything at once is so satisfying

[spasmsofthought]

if love was a year, we were june (j.s. x reader) [1.5]

can be considered part 1.5 or a companion piece to you fell hard, I thought good riddance. but if you want to read it as a stand alone, i think you’ll be able to. maybe an official part two coming?!?! idk, i’m gonna need a fantastic song and all my imagination if it’s gonna happen. we’ll see. all my love xo 

warnings: not really edited. please excuse any mistakes, i wrote this on the fly

soundtrack: June by Chris Lanzon and Eluera 

Previous / Next

+++ 

Dear Jake, 

Hangman - - 

Jake: 

It’s 10:48 pm and I’m sitting on the couch waiting for you to come home from the bar. You said you’d be here by 8. 

I’m not sure how much more I can take. 

It’s been a week since I’ve seen you. You avoid me at work. You answer every fourth text with one or two words. 

Did I miss all the signs? 

I know that you’re not the biggest fan of my driving. You think I get distracted too easily (I can’t help it when you’re sitting next to me, but I’m trying, I promise), that I play the music too loud, and I know you say that I indicate that I’m turning too early, but I know that I’m a good driver. I slow down at yellow lights and I don’t really drive much over the speed limit. I always make sure you buckle your seatbelt before I press my foot on the gas. 

Now you don’t even want to be in the same apartment as me, let alone be in the same car as I drive it. 

I’ve heard so many people compare you to the sun, but you’ve always been like the ocean to me. Maybe not a burning star in the sky, but you are an intense force of nature all the same. 

Maybe I got you at just the right time, early in the morning during high tide. Maybe that’s why it was so easy to reach you in the beginning. 

It made me feel like the moon. 

Like maybe I was gravity, and I could pull you back. But I can feel you rolling away, receding from me, and I can’t pull you back even though I’ve tried. 

I’ve tried.

I’m realizing that I made the wrong assumption. 

I’m not your moon. I’m just the shore. 

Low tide is coming, fastly approaching I think. 

Probably already here and I just haven’t noticed. 

I thought we would make it longer than we did.

I’ve been to the beach many times. I’ve always enjoyed the way the water rolls over my toes before I dig my feet into the sand, knowing the waves would come again to wash it away. Push and pull, push and pull.

You’re pulling away, and there’s empty space where you once were, and I’m not sure how much longer we’re going to last. I can’t keep you here because I think, deep down, I can tell you’re ready to go. Maybe you were always ready. 

I know I can’t go with you any longer. I think I’ll end up drowning if I do. 

I’m weary if I’m being honest Jake. All I’ve been thinking about is where the hell you even are. It’s been its own kind of torture. Being with you has taken a lot out of me. 

I was so immersed, and your eyes were deep water, they pulled me in; you were beautiful. You took my breath away. 

But I think I should have gone up for air sooner. 

There are so many mixed metaphors in this letter, but I don’t think it matters much. I’m honestly not even sure if you’ll read this whole thing. You might throw it away without even glancing at the ink on this paper. At this point, it wouldn’t surprise me if that’s what happened.

I don’t think you’re coming back tonight. At least not until you know I’m gone. It’s a strange sort of kindness, I guess, that you’re letting me go without saying it to my face. 

But it still hurts, Jake. Your silence doesn’t make this easier for me, just for you. 

I realize that you’re not going to fight for me, for any of it. 

I know that I should hate you. 

I should hate you. 

I should hate you. 

I really want to, but I can’t. 

When I wipe the tears away and close my eyes, I see what could’ve been if you weren’t the ocean or if I had been your moon. If you had told me we were taking a dead-end street instead of driving down it with me smiling in the passenger seat. I think we might have been happy if you were different and if I had been maybe a little wiser. 

I should hate you, but I don’t.  

I love you. 

I hope I’ll change my mind. 

I’m going to leave this taped to the door when I walk out of your apartment in a few minutes. Don’t worry - my key is on the table. I returned all the shirts of yours that I borrowed. I grabbed my toothpaste out of the bathroom drawer. 

I’m going to lock the door and try to leave this all behind me. 

God knows that I was in your rearview mirror long ago. 

[phoenix-is-the-hottest-thing]

I'm planning to re-play part 1.5 and 2 soon, and I'm kinda interested in understanding Vita better. Like, right now I just don't understand her. She says things like "I love Seele", that she wants to be friends with people, but it kinda seems like she's got some ulterior motive? And if she doesn't have some big grand evil plan that she's working on in the background, how can she, how can anyone express those feelings as genuinely as she does? It's like she just doesn't know what shame, fear and anxiety are. Maybe after getting Sa's powers she feels like nothing can stop her so she can just whatever she wants? idk

While 1.5 is, Part 2 isn't replayable on the same account at this time, so watch out on that.

Vita... Vita knows shame, fear and anxiety a little too well, I'd suspect.

Salt Snow Holy City and the Phosphorus arc to a lesser extent are very important to understand why she's like this. More than Part 2 is; Part 1.5 established all her villain backstory character, Part 2 we see more how she's getting worse now that she's free lmao.

You have to understand Vita is someone who was created in her mother's image. Furthermore, she has been told, explicitly, by someone who loathes Sa, that she is too much like how her mother used to be. If you played Born in a Dream, Vita's personality was born from a mix of her experience as a Proxy and Sa's memories.

Vita is essentially to Sa what Kiana is to Sirin.

But worse! Kiana was a child and grew up amnesiac of Sirin's memories even if they eventually came back (this really isn't elaborated on uh?), while Vita remembers, and was drop-kicked into adulthood with no one protecting her. Also, Kiana doesn't look like Sirin, while Vita's an identical clone.

She's got baggage as the basis of her identity!

Next up, you have to remember Vita was created as and lived as a slave and assassin all her life. Her thoughts were being spied on constantly, she had to follow orders or else she could be killed by Sa at any moment (her life even gets threatened onscreen in the Phosphorus arc), and her personality was molded to be approachable specifically so she could manipulate and kill people. That's what the kids would call a nasty abusive situation, with a side of neglect.

So Vita lacked a proper childhood, and she was unable to form bonds in a normal way in her formative years because her job was murdering everyone she got close to. The four sisters she got attached to in the event dream? They existed to an extent, but they were already gone. Vita already killed them. Yippeee! Marah, arguably the only one who could've been a loving parent, or at least her friend? Ran away, leaving her alone with Sa. Yippeeeeee!!!!!!!

Girlie calls herself a villain and told Seele she doesn't feel guilt for Salt Snow because no one died for good, so... I think she does feel shame for the blood on her hand, but also it was kind of all Sa's fault? So she wants to get over it and live her own happy life now. That might seem callous, but what else can she do? She can never atone for all the worlds she's destroyed, besides protect those that are threatened now... which is exactly what she is doing on Mars.

She explicitly tells Hua she finds genuinely good people disarming because she's so used to looking out for herself selfishly. She's twisted, and she's been constantly running in survival mode because that's what growing up in an abused household does to you. She is well aware she might turn out evil without guardrails, and asks Hua for advice about avoiding it in Phosphorus, but she feels being held back by equal friends doesn't suit her. Can you blame her? Girl's never had those before!

So. Why does she have zero filter? Vita very much always had the capacity to love, and that went horribly with her siblings who kept dying, but now she can indulge it without holding back, she no longer has a sword of Damocles hanging over her head. She can be childish and provoke people, because she has nothing to fear anymore, with Kiana asleep there's nearly no one left to be able to make her feel consequences for her actions (this is kind of a bad thing).

Toying with people is a habit, one she finds fun, and she is very much used to accepting that people hate her for very good reasons, so she has no incentive to stop. In Part 2 she's only been free for five years out of several dozens of millions of years of slavery. She hasn't unlearned any of that shit!

There's also the factor that she does not like it when gods decide what mortals do (yaknow like Sa did?), so she's pretty incensed against [REDACTED] on Mars. That seems to be her main long-term goal... and it's making her angry and frustrated, which she takes out on others by being extra mean (RIP Dreamseeker).

TLDR: Vita is an annoying gremlin because she's a pissed off abused woman catching up on her childhood while going slightly mad with power.

[louis-damien]

Here is a list of unexpected things that have happened to me in my transition.

I am one year on testosterone and my current dosage for the past 1.5 months has been 0.35 mL injected intramuscularly, for reference.

Some of these are good, some bad, some neutral but odd. None of these would ever make me rethink my transition, but I would have liked to know before hand.

Hair. I knew that I would get hairy, But BY GOD am I hairy. Hair on the back of my thighs, my tummy, my chest, my back. Everywhere.

Speaking of hair- your chest includes your boobs. I have titty hair. Also if you wear boxers briefs and tighter pants they WILL pull the hair on your legs. It sucks up the thigh hair and I get pinched one million times.

SWEAT. I already had hyper hidrosis before T. Now it is INSANE.

So Much Acne. I was aware I would get acne but I personally got it so bad that I have to use a prescription antibiotic cream on my face.

Testosterone causes your metabolism to increase. I am so hungry all the time. Related to this- Red meat no longer hurts my tummy, I just digest it easier now.

Your body needs So Much Protein to build muscle. IDK if my body is just weird but I get. Protein Headaches if I don't have a significant source of protein for breakfast or lunch. Also the cravings for steak are INSANE and it's making it difficult to stay on my low-meat diet.

Muscle is just. Denser and heavier than fat, so I gained weight without actually changing size at all. In the course of the year I've put on 8 or so pounds just in muscle.

Horny.

If you are in choir you can just keep voice training and you won't lose your higher singing voice. In fact, it actually had gotten easier for me to sing higher. I'm an alto 2 and have kept that range while also broadening it. My lowest is somewhere in mid/low tenor and my highest is like soprano 2 range.

Your Bones Move. Testosterone causes your hips to rotate forward and I so far have gained a whole inch from this- I've gone from 5'10" to 5'11"

[starker1975]

Eek so thanks to the motivation I got hearing from people who still wanted A Familiar Stranger (Tony’s Version) I’m working on it 🥹🖤

To give you an idea of what to expect, the first chapter of Peter’s POV covers a 1.5 year period where he goes to homecoming with Liz in his junior year, then continues all the way until spring of his senior year where he downloads the dating app. The rest of the fic runs until September where he goes to college.

Tony’s POV starts with chapter one covering his night during Peter’s homecoming. Chapter two covers the 1.5 year time gap, then we get to see it match up with Peter’s POV—downloading the app and matching with each other etc.

The rest of the fic will have large portions copied and pasted from Peter’s POV bc the conversations don’t change and I want this fic to read as a standalone. However, all of Peter’s introspection will be converted to Tony’s thoughts.

As well, we’ll see scenes where Tony is without Peter, either at work or with his friends at the bar, etc. Depending, I may also add chapters to the end to show Tony and Peter adapting to their new life and to Peter being away at school. (This could also be a separate one shot idk) Tony’s introspection will also be guilt-laden and anxious like Peter’s because he is doing mental gymnastics to justify his behaviour. (And it’s canon Tony has anxiety so don’t @ me)

Because of this, the fic may actually be a longer word count. I haven’t decided if I want to write it all and post it once it’s complete. But either way, it’s getting finished by the end of this year because I’ve set my goal and I don’t like abandoning projects. 🖤🖤🖤

[csa-survivor-confessions]

(?)

Warning: long. If replying is too exhausting, feel free to ignore this <3 I understand it dw

It's been years and I (f19) still can't talk or think about it for longer times without shaking. I've told quite a few peopleby now and sharing feels good but I wish I could take it back. I hate that I no longer have control about my memories once I've shared them. I am already shaking rn and I want to get over it. I feel my gaze kind of zonig out? Like my pupils are focused on a point that doesn't necessarily exist and everything else fades. People walk behind me or I make eye contact with someone and I suddenly hyperfocus on everything around me, I guess I'd call it episodic hypervigilance but I think that's a ptsd term and I don't want to take that away from them? Like how people use trigger so liberally, I don't want to contribute to taking terms and estranging them from their meaning.

I feel so guilty for constantly thinking people will hurt me if they hug me for a second too long or comment on my outfit or sth. In addition, I've found myself in a fwb situation 1.5 years ago (we were 17 and 19 back then which is legal) where she choked me without asking before. Which was fine because I probably mentioned that I was into that in casual convo before and we were drunk but I was so confused that she didn't ask. I was into it but it bothered me. And after that, I just needed proof that she wanted to assault me. Which isn't fair to her. Like, she wanted to try sth once and I said no and then we had sex later and she asked again while we were having sex and in that situation I couldn't bring myself to refuse. During sex eye contact and talking is difficult for me but I haven't explicitly communicated that to her. She would have definitely accepted a no btw. And I just found myself getting rly drunk on purpose to see if she would have sex with me anyway etc. and it's so messed up and I feel awful for it. There was also another time I explicitlysaid I wasn'tgoing to have sex with her that day and she tried to initiate it like two times anyway and I very clearly said no. After that she got it and I even teased her back because a part of me wanted her to try again, to hurt me and ignore my boundaries I ended the fwb thing eventually and didn't have sex since then, not even with my bf. I kinda think I don't want to? And I definitely don't want to be cruel by just thinking they're going to hurt me. I feel awful. She didn't do anything wrong, I'm so unfair.

Things have been better until recently. I'm trying so hard to just get over it. I go weeks without really thinking about it and then suddenly I remember when I was 15 and he 22 and we talked about moving in together once I start Uni. And I wonder how things would have been if I had stated with him. Sometimes I want to text him but it's gotten a lot better & less frequent. I'm still shaking.

I have had so many nightmares that I don't wake up anymore. I usually don't remember them. When I dream journal or sth I start remembering my dreams and usually they at least have bad elements and have included sa a lot, including me sa'ing other people younger than me and I hate myself for it even if I know it's just my fear.

I haven't had those in like two years though which is amazing. Atm I never remember my dreams and I'm so glad because I don't want to but I'm also so curious?

My memory too. It is foggy and I want to know what happened to me in more detail. But this is getting way too long, sorry :( I guess I'm worried I'm an awful person and I'd just like to be okay again and idk what to do. I feel like I'm too hurt considering it was nccsa and digital. I simultaneously feel like I'm not hurt enough because I have no trauma disorders or sth so maybe I'm making a big deal out of nothing. Trauma is confusing and I hate it.

Hello,

It sounds like you are experiencing a lot of trauma responses. Dissociation, hypervigilance, toxic shame, difficulty communicating, body memories and relationship difficulties are all related to trauma responses.

Whether your psychiatrist/therapist/social worker diagnosed you with them or not. Not meeting the criteria for PTSD doesn't mean no trauma responses are happening. Personally, I might look for a provider who is more trauma-informed if this is something possible for you who might still work on your trauma story even if you don't meet PTSD criteria.

The idea that sharing the specifics of your trauma always makes you feel better is false. Being unable to talk about it without activation and feeling stressed is perfectly normal. And you can't make yourself feel it or not, it's a sign that you are having body memories.

Our bodies will react to the talking about the abuse and cause you to have things like shaking, having a dissociative response (vision changes), and yes hypervigilance. Hypervigilance doesn't only happen if you meet PTSD criteria and it very much sounds like that is what you could be experiencing. No one owns terms like dissociation, triggered or hypervigilance. Using terms incorrectly and or as a joke is when it hurts survivors and you are not doing that so you are not taking anything from anyone.

Someone choking you sexually, without explicit ongoing consent is assault. Talking about something outside of the situation and causally is not consent. Liking a sexual act when it's consented to do and talked about before, but not when it wasn't agreed to thoroughly makes sense. 

Many kink communities wouldn't even have been fine with you being there because you were seventeen. This situation was not you distrusting someone for no reason. What she did is wrong.

It also sounds like there were barriers to you fully enjoying the act, which makes sense in the context of having past sexual trauma and it sounds like you haven't fully talked through what is and isn't wanted in sexual situations. And you struggling with that makes sense, yes it can be good to talk but you're not at fault for having trauma responses during sexual acts.

I understand that things were somewhat better between you, but it does sound like you were not acting healthy. Getting drunk to try and pursue sex is definitely unhealthy behaviour, trying testing people to see what they will do is definitely harmful. It is something to be aware of and trying to get better is important. However, it doesn't make you a bad person as you are working to be better. 

Her trying to convince you to have sex after an explicit no, even if it was "only" two times is not good behaviour. I understand there was some trauma playing up and feeling like you need to be/deserve to be hurt. Her behaviour isn't then okay and you were having trauma responses. 

You are not being unfair, you were hurt in this relationship and being upset about that is normal.

Having memory issues and nightmares are both classic trauma responses. Dissociation can affect memory recall during trauma and nightmares about trauma or trauma-related content are common experiences for trauma survivors. Not being sure if you wished you remembered or not is a very common abuse survivor experience. 

Wondering what would have happened if you had taken other actions is just something common to people in general. That doesn't mean anything other than you're a person.

You can't brute force yourself better. I'm glad you have had periods of being less affected! Working on handling your trauma and working through these hard emotions can move forward to not have these episodes of worse trauma responses as well.

You are not a bad person, your pain is valid, and you deserve help and people to hold your story.

Be Blessed,

-Admin 2

[ritzcrackee]

september tbr yayyyyy

rereads are marked by a ✩, new reads are marked by a ♡, library reads are italicized and new acquisitions are bolded

physical tbr: 8

dune messiah - frank herbert - ♡

oedipus rex - sophocles - ♡

antigone - sophocles - ♡

medea - euripides - ♡

the way of kings - brandon sanderson - ♡

wuthering heights - emily bronte - ♡

circe - madeline miller - ☆

the immortalists - chloe benjamin - ☆

digital tbr: 2

the hundred years war on palestine - rashid khalidi - ♡

in the shadow of the sun - em castellan - ♡

last months books: 8

a dowry of blood - s. t. gibson - 5/5

this was a rereaddddddd and it held up! i'll always feel mildly conflicted about alexi's age but its not enough of a hang-up for me to lower my rating. i like this book a lottttt yippee

dune - frank herbert - 1.5/5

guys. i fuckinf. ifucghinh. i did it. i rwad dune. slamsmy head againsy the wall.

i haven't talked about this yet (i think), but i kind of read dune twice? i realized very early on that the physical book wasn't the way to go for me. something about trying to absorb complex information when there's pretty lights and sounds and tiny tiny text on a weirdly shaped object was truly? impossible for me. BUT!! my good friend (hiii king) had given me his special annotated copy so i really wanted to read his thoughts on everything?

anyways, the way i solved this problem was to just... read everything twice. once, physically, as more of a vibes catching heavy skim, and then again, digitally, really trying to understand the minutiae of it.

this approach maybe worked? i still couldn't tell you very much of the plot, but knowing what was coming helped me enjoy it more? idfk

my favorite part wasssss the annex at the end and the chapter where the ecologist dies ❤

(franz please don't be offended by my rating and come to my house and kill me IM SORRY IM BAD AT SCI-FI I STILL LIKED IT)

in at the deep end - kate davies - 2.5/5

meh. writing style was fast paced and interesting, but a little too #qUirKy for me. the author said she was a big fan pf pheobe waller-bridge, and like... yeah you did kind of write knock-off lesbian fleabag didn't you? (to be clear i did enjoy this somewhat, just a perfectly average amount lol.

done deal - skrifores on ao3 - 4/5

woo hoo this was a 50k word modern au gentlebeard fic :3 i feel like 50k is enough to count as a novella? i guess we r tracking long fics too now. um yeah this was very sweeeet and very cuteeeeee

turn on the light - smallest church on ao3 - 5/5

THIS MADE ME TEAR UPPPPPP my babies.... (also a gentlebeard modern au fic but THIS one was 55k. so. yay)

divorce towers - ellen meister - 1/5

yeah idk what i expected. i got a free trial of amazon prime and this looked like the most interesting of the free book options? wish i had dnfed it halfway through but yk. i'm sure its for someone out there.

beastars vol 1 - paru itagaki - 5/5

yayyyy beastars ❤ fun fact i absolutely hated the anime on my first watch but like,,, in that obsessed way yk? rewatched it recently and LOVEDDDD it so i'm making my way through the manga :3

beastars vol 2 - paru itagaki - 5/5

i love to love animal cannibals....

last months goal: find a tbr system that fits my current goals better lmao

i just added a library marker lol. i was gifted a couple books, so my physical tbr got a lil longer. alsoo i keep reading novella/novel length fanfics so i'm tracking those as well heart emoji.

this months goal: read some stuff off of my fall tbr

gang i'm tired. the reading slump has been so real and i KNOW the fall weather is gonna kick my ass. i'd also love to finish a hard book this month but realistically i will read six fanfics and a romance. fml.

[hismercytomyjustice]

Ayyy, I’m back on my bullshit with my BG3 fic! Just about to hit 86k words. Good god.

Still struggling to comprehend that. And still have about two chapters to go. Eh, maybe 1.5. I’m thinking it’ll end around 95k. Maybe 100k. (・ω・｀)………..

Those numbers sound wildly fake. Especially how up until this fic, I’d never written anything longer than maybe 55k.

I can’t believe I’m finally reaching the end. Just a month or two ago, I was convinced I might never finish it with how bad my analysis paralysis was.

The whole reason I even started posting it was because my therapist suggested it as a way to help me out of the OCD spiral it was sending me into. I had fully intended not to post any of it until it was completely finished because I was terrified I’d never finish it.

…def don’t have unfinished shit haunting me decades later from ff.net…

Somehow my most popular fic on there was an InuYasha one from my MAJOR InuYasha brain rot days. God, Sesshomaru lived rent free in my head for fucking YEARS.

I am so fucking distraught with how they decided to handle his character arc. There is SO MUCH Sesshomaru merch out there this day and age. I would have lost my fucking mind as a teen if it had been available then. But I just can’t enjoy it now.

Like, no shade to those who are happy with how he wound up with Rin. I’m just not one of them. I just personally feel like it was a missed opportunity for both of their character arcs and also imho…he was pretty much her dad, so it just doesn’t sit right with me. Especially with how young she was when he took her in…

Would’ve loved to see her wind up with Kohaku like it felt they were going to. I also really loved Sesshomaru and Kagura together too (minus the whole uh…her no longer being around thing).

God my life fucking revolved around that show for literal years. Pretty much all of high school. Maybe some of middle school? I don’t remember 100% when I started watching it.

Idk if it was a special interest or a hyperfocus or what. It doesn’t happen to me often (despite what it might seem like on here). POTO hit me around the same time (when I was 16) and then there was a gap until Pacific Rim with a brief Transformers interlude in between.

The fact it’s happened again recently with BG3, Hazbin, and borderline IWTV is fucking wild to me. Like oh yeah, I get obsessed with shit but there’s obsessed and then there is Obsessed™. It might not look that different from an outside perspective, but good god it is BAD on the inside.

I fucking LOVE IWTV but I’m not hunting down every single microscopic bit of lore I can find for it.

Hazbin and BG3 tho? Good fucking god. I am desperate to consume anything I can fucking find. I am watching interviews, reading veritable dissertations on them, I am thinking about them non-fucking-stop.

You can gauge my true level of derangement by:

1. Have I written fanfic about it?

2. How much fanfic have I written about it?

IWTV is an A Tier obsession for me. BG3 and Hazbin? That shit is S Tier.

Not that I write fanfic for everything S Tier, case in point Stardew Valley, but yeah…there’s a fucking reason I have fucking 7 Pacific Rim fanfics under my belt.

And right now I’ve got a multi-chapter Hazbin crack fic cooking on the side that’s already about to hit 9k words. It is wildly self-indulgent but damn if I’m not enjoying every fucking second of it.

Maybe one day I’ll get back to the modern day Phantom AU I started back at the end of January. It’s got 5k on it. My only real concern with it tho is I worry about drifting too close to Binary, my fave POTO fanfic of all time. And, tbh, a solid contender for my fave fic of all time in general. The number of times I have read that masterpiece.

Fuck. Cannot recommend it enough if you’re a POTO fan. It is a goddamn work of art.

But yeah, being so close to finishing this BG3 fic is such a weird feeling. It kind of makes me want to peel my skin off and flee into the woods? But I think it’ll also be really fucking good for me. And I can’t believe I’m about to do it. It’s fucking terrifying lol. My OCD is NOT HAPPY.

I can take “comfort” in the fact I still have 9 weeks of editing ahead of me tho I guess? (ಥ﹏ಥ) Maybe that’ll shut my goddamn fucking OCD up with its chants of “you never finish anything, you’ll never finish this, best to give up now, easier to give it up than fight through until the end, you should give it up before everyone comes to their senses and realize it’s awful” blah blah blah.

OCD is the fucking WORST.

Weirdly I also have piano to thank for my ability to write again? Because the hardcore fucking OCD spirals that shit was sending me on was what made me realize I constantly have OCD spirals running in the background. It’s making them a fuck of a lot easier to see earlier on too. And that was like…Category 2/3 OCD for me lol. Writing was probably Category 4/5 until recently. There’s other shit that’s solidly a Cat 5 but I don’t ever intend to talk about it on here. That’s what I have my therapist for! Yay, therapy!

It is truly fucking wild seeing an OCD specialist though who is just like “oh, your big scary brain is not as big and scary as it wants you to think.” Like that was one of the biggest “holy shit” moments I had when she was walking me through the stages of OCD spirals and I was just like…I never saw the pattern before. But there it was. Spelled out in black and white on a little fucking worksheet.

Fucking insane.

Tumblr has helped me so fucking much too by making it easy for me journal about it all regularly. I don’t always post what I journal, but it helps me see the forest for the trees regardless. And by forcing myself to “share” shit, I’m chipping away at the part of my OCD that fucking thrives on avoidance and self-consciousness about this shit. Because you’re not supposed to avoid OCD thoughts. That just makes ultimately them worse. So I share them on here knowing there’s like a 1% anyone will ever read any of this, but it’s enough to take away some of the fear/shame/avoidance that would otherwise add fuel to the fire so.

┐(￣ ヘ￣)┌

It’s all not as big and bad and scary and awful as my OCD makes it out to be in the confines of my noggin. It’s fucking hard sometimes, sharing some of this stuff because it’s embarrassing and awful and stupid. There’s nothing logical about OCD thoughts and knowing that makes it even fucking worse.

Like… I know the entirety of the internet isn’t going to just show up one day and tell me my writing is shit and I should quit. Logically. My OCD, however… It makes a lot of compelling arguments to my little lizard brain that are a lot harder to ignore.

Like how I almost didn’t sign up for piano classes at all because my OCD told me I’d never practice and I’d be wasting the teacher’s time and if I then quit I was frivolously playing with part of their livelihood and therefore a terrible fucking person. Would I say that to someone else? Absolutely not. That’s all absurd. Did I spend weeks agonizing over it in my noggin? Abso-fuckin’-lutely I did. And it didn’t even occur to me it was batshit until I finally brought it up to my husband and realized “wait one goddamn second, this is an OCD spiral, isn’t it?”

Lololol. The “joys” of mental illness! But hey, at least the therapy seems to be working. One step at a time baybeee!

[nesurii]

answering asks.

all anon asks answered below! about new cc eyes, infant cc updates, cc requests + townies.

hi! omg thank you T-T <3 !! i am going to make complete and sectorial heterochromia skindetail overlays, that's the only thing aside from vampires/werewolf eyes that i still need to do & then i'll upload them

thank you!!! ❤️ yes, toddlers to elders, and i'll update them for infants as soon as i can as well.

oh sorry to hear that! normally i do want to fulfill these kind of requests but personally i think adult sims look too young without it, cause they're supposed to in their 40s to 60s and most adults do have some wrinkles there. i could make a simple overlay skin detail to cover them up if you want, but it'd be too much work to make an additional default version for my skins without the wrinkles. and thank you for the kind words <3 !!

hey AHH thank you, you're too nice <3 🥹 fadia would 100% accept your proposal!! ily have a good day too!!

hi! i'm sorry, i made the original version like 1.5 years ago and the newer version of them that i uploaded i don't have the psd file for anymore. i'm making a new version of the asteria eyes as i mentioned in my last post with which i'll include the .psd though, and i'll add the old catchlights to it as an alternative.

maybe in the future i will, but i have to reupload all the thumbnails per swatch and gender for each file by hand so it's just such an annoying process to add more categories for them (and i really dont feel like doing it currently sorry 😫). if you want to you can also do it yourself easily if you don't mind them not having thumbnails with this tutorial.

hello! thank you ^-^ if it's as easy as just enabling them for infants in sims 4 studio then yes i'll do it asap, otherwise it may take a little longer cause it isn't my priority since it's such old content and i want to update newer things first. the skin will probably

hi! yes and no lol, i have a few sims up for download under my download tag but there's only a few that are public.

hi~ i completely forgot i used that on her! i never uploaded that one, i think it's similar to my agave skin (one of the lower opacity swatches would look most like it i think).

hey! thank you haha!! i'm gonna update all my skins when i can, just depends on when skiniator & sims 4 studio updates since i rely on them for the default files and proper tags ^-^

i'm still tweaking it a little here and there, when it's done i'll upload it. this ask made me giggle cause idk if its accidental but it sounds like you're annoyed with me over this reshade preset i'm not uploading HAHA

[impishtubist]

20 QUESTIONS FOR FIC WRITERS

I was tagged by seven of you (!!!) so here are my answers. Consider this an open tag, I have no idea who hasn't done this yet.

---

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

222 if you don't count the hidden ones, 245 if you do.

2. What's your total AO3 word count?

1.5 million (this does count the hidden ones because I'm too lazy to go subtract them from the total).

3. What fandoms do you write for?

Currently HP and Good Omens, but I've written for 16 fandoms over the years, and you never know which one I'll go back to.

4. Top 5 fics by kudos?

-Finding Home (no longer available)

-the spaces between

-Da Capo (no longer available)

-Courtship Rituals (no longer available)

-quicken to the new life (no longer available)

5. Do you respond to comments?

Sometimes. I go through fits and spurts of either responding to every single comment, or responding to none. It doesn't mean I don't appreciate comments! But I'm already writing and posting fics for free, and responding to every comment is something that I don't always have the time or mental space for.

6. What's the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

Fuck, idk. I don't know what's angst and what isn't. The Fall of Gods, maybe.

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

I write a lot of fluff, actually! Idk how I got a reputation as an angst writer, smh. The Trouble With Quidditch is pretty fluffy.

8. Do you get hate on fics?

Oh, sure. But it gets deleted.

9. Do you write smut?

Begrudgingly. It's extremely demoralizing as a writer to know that the only way a fic is going to get attention is if you put smut in it, so I do it sometimes just for the kudos/comments. But I hate every second of writing it.

10. Do you write crossovers?

Yep. I've done a HP/GO one, and some cracky Sherlock/Star Trek ones, and probably a few others I can't remember.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not that I know of!

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

Yep, several of them into different languages.

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Yes! @allcanonisrelative is probably the person I've written with the most, but I've written with others as well.

14. What's your all-time favourite ship?

This changes by the hour so I literally can't answer this question. Maybe Aziraphale/Crowley?

15. What's a WIP you want to finish but doubt you will?

Hm, I have a few unfinished fics on AO3, but I've already admitted that those won't be finished. I have a Sirius/Bellatrix + Sirius/Remus fic in my drafts folder that it would be nice to finish someday, but that will have to wait until I feel like writing Wolfstar again (which will probably be never, thanks to the Remus apologists).

16. What are your writing strengths?

None.

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

Everything.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language?

Well, I know that it used to be standard that you would italicize it, and now you're not supposed to do that, so I no longer do. I also think that you shouldn't translate it! Especially not right there in the same line on the fic. If you're writing dialogue in another language, context clues should tell us enough about what the characters are saying that translation isn't needed.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

Star Trek: TNG.

20. Favourite fic you've ever written?

I never like anything I write, so idk. Price of Memory, maybe, because that one was at least a lot of fun to write.

[transgenderboobs]

GIVE ME UR UFO STORIES

hehe ok so

one: i'm like. 8 or 9 years old, right? i'm over at a friends house for a sleepover. she lives in the mountains on the outskirts of town, away from the light pollution that even a small town of 10k people will inevitably generate

because of this we like to go out on her roof and go stargazing, cuz you can see a lot more out here than u can in town. so we're lying on a blanket on her roof, pointing out cool star clusters and planes to each other and looking for constellations. then one of us sees The Weird Fucker coming from the direction of deeper in the mountains

it gets closer. FAST. like way faster than the fastest planes i've ever seen. it crosses the sky in like 3 seconds until it's right over us. at this point we can tell it's actually 3 "balls" of light, in the shape of a triangle.

these balls Stop directly over her house. like right over our heads ! we're freaking out a little, yelling and pointing at it. we both see it. after a second or two all three lights sort of like...circle each other? they all come towards the center, converge, and then go back out into a triangle shape, this time facing the other direction

the triangle, now pointed away from us, proceeds to zoom back in the direction it came from, and is completely gone from our field of view in like. a handful of seconds. this whole encounter couldn't have taken more than 10 or 15 seconds, but we both saw it and remembered it

two: this is like....a couple of years later. i'm in middle school now, it's summer break before....i think 7th grade? so i'm like. 13.

my mom's apartment at the time was right next to the town's ymca. all you had to do was walk across a big field and you were there. my friends and i liked to hang out at the y. you could swim for cheap and it was airconditioned and for like 2 dollars and go and hang out there all day.

so me and two friends are walking home at like 9 or 10 at night, after the y closes, and we're in this big open field between the y and my apartment complex.

i don't remember who sees it first, but one of us points up at this weird triangle of lights, heading across the sky. this one isn't as fast as the first time, but it's the exact same shape: three lights making up a moving triangle.

the three of us sort of huddle together and stare up at it, all a little freaked out again, yelling and talking very loud cuz we'd teenaged girls seeing something weird and spooky ! the triangle does the same thing it did last time: the three lights sort of converge in on each other, dancing/circling around each other.

this time they circle for quite a bit longer than they did last time, but in the end they reemerge into the shape of a triangle pointing a different direction, and go off in that direction.

honorable mention (#1.5): so between incidents one and two, my friend and i (same friend who saw the thing with me the first time) were hanging out with a different girl, and, unprompted, without either of us having ever mentioned the thing we saw, she tells us about a "ufo" she saw that exactly matched the description of what we saw. down the way the lights circled each other and changed the direction of the triangle.

and 2.5: the two friends i was with on the second occasion went on to see the same shape again later that same summer, when they were hanging out together without me.

so yeah idk if it was aliens, but twice in my life (with at least two other sightings from other people) i've seen an Unidentified Flying Object in the sky.

could've just been a weird plane or something, but it sure was a flying object and i sure as shit could not identify that bad boy!

[ruvviks]

BONESSSSSS i absolutely adored the graphic (and playlist!!) you made for urban dynamite so ofc i have to ask, who are the members that make up urban dynamite?? specificall,y i'd love to hear abt the drummer or main vocalist <3

THANK YOU SO SO MUCH AAAAA <3333 i shall put this under a read more because idk how long this will end up being ASGHJFDHG but yeas all info safely stored under the cut >:^) for anyone wondering, this is the graphic i made and this is the playlist!

rowdy mccain (she/they, 26 yrs old) is the lead vocalist of the band. she can also play the guitar and can often be seen with one on stage. she has heavy neck cyberware installed which came with a voice module; it emphasizes the raw edge of their voice and causes it to sound lightly mechanical, which is what makes their voice stand out from other musicians. she mostly sings in english but also occasionally writes in her first language, spanish

rowdy is a bit messy and while they enjoy being in the spotlight, they're also shameless and honest and blunt which makes them controversial in the bigger picture of things in night city; many politicians and corporations- usually rowdy's first targets in the songs she writes- do NOT like her ass at all. but rowdy does mercenary work on the side so even if it would come down to having to fight for their life, this isn't a problem at all for them <3

she comes from the acting industry, having done several small gigs in and around night city and she made a decent living off it but she wanted More out of life. the band started as a garage band kind of deal with billie (their childhood bestie) and nikita (who they met at a tv-show they both starred in) and lalo joined later after getting back in touch with them, and casey joined after that through lalo

rowdy brings amazing energy on stage, hyping the crowd up and taking her time to set the mood for the rest of the night. she often places her mic stand near billie for homoerotic purposes

billie bernhart (she/her, 27 yrs old) is the lead guitarist of the band, but she also plays the cello and violin which they sometimes use as background instruments. she's less of a spotlight person than rowdy but with her bright pink afro hairstyle and best outfits of the entire band (in my honest opinion) it's kinda hard to miss her in a crowd and she gets a LOT more attention than she was initially expecting to get

billie is basically the only one of the whole band who's always been into music. after high school she started doing small gigs as background guitarist for. well. whoever wanted her really LMAO and she made a living like that for a very long time. when rowdy reached out to her again to ask if she wanted to help set up the band obviously she couldn't refuse <3 she's very well-spoken and with that the social backbone of the band because she's the only one who can talk to the public normally without accidentally starting some shit with some random politician

lalo gutierrez (he/him, 24 yrs old) is the bass guitarist and backing vocalist of the band. he can also play the piano and occasionally swaps roles with rowdy as lead vocalist. he's the most reserved and quietest member of the band, yet simultaneously the one with the wildest backstory since he basically got hunted for sports for about 1.5 year because of how vocal he was about evil megacorporations, raising awareness about homelessness, and how the streets of night city were too dangerous for innocent people

like rowdy, lalo comes from the acting industry and actually played in the same tv-show with her and nikita! after that is when life went downhill for him because he tried to use his platform for good, and he lost contact with all his friends because he didn't want to get them in danger. this is when he met casey, a netrunner who helped him hide, and he even was under brief protection of vitali dobrynin after lalo reached out to a fixer for help. he's no longer being hunted nowadays and tries to stay out of mercenary business to keep it that way

nikita maślany (he/him, 24 yrs old) is the drummer of the band. he also has experience with mixing so whenever they make a song that leans more into edm territory he can help casey out with that. he's essentially a musical miracle as he can come up with stuff on the spot and has great intuition, which allows him to perfectly understand what the other band members are going for and he can adjust accordingly to that

niki moved to the nusa around the age of 18 and when he and lalo met, they bonded over both being all alone in a foreign country in a big city that moved way too fast for them. the tv-show they played in together had their characters end up in a romantic relationship; all of that, plus the fact lalo had to move in with niki at some point because he had ended up homeless, caused niki to get a crush on his friend, but they never ended up in a relationship

much like rowdy, nikita is very blunt and not scared of what people think of him. he rarely sings, but when he does, he makes no effort to try and cover up his polish accent which is very sexy of him if you ask me

casey parker (they/any, 26 yrs old) is the latest addition to the band and basically plays all the other instruments. she also takes care of mixing and/or dj-ing for the band's edm songs. they come from the mercenary life and then specifically techie stuff and netrunning gigs; this is also how they met lalo and he decided to try and keep the guy safe, and they stayed friends after that period of time in lalo's life was over

casey is a bit less involved in the band's things and mostly just joins to do her thing and then bounces to focus on her own shit again; though they do consider the others their best friends and whenever rowdy and niki need assistance in a merc gig, casey is more than ready to support them through the net >:^)

[system-of-a-feather]

Look I know DID doesn't give you super powers but I think it does and unlike other alters my heart is just built different (I'M JOKING)

But historically our system for the past 10 years has been like "yeah we aren't built for stamina and thats ok, Riku took a month or endurance training and could barely do 0.75 miles straight for at a rate of a 15 minute mile" and that persisted under Ray (the OG Gym nut that brought upon our Jock Days and my Personal Coach TM) with a slight but not drastic boost to stamina

And so over this past year whenever I've gone to the gym, I have this STUPID high stamina and can keep going - often far past we should when I'm on my pisser and in a rage fury, so Ray, Lucille, and Riku have hard rules to keep me in check to make sure I dont push the body too hard (rules with safety precautions, rules about regularly stopping every X time and if I want to push limits I have to regularly check my heart rate on a reliable checker to make sure I'm not going about 170 bpm, etc) and even if I am following all of those, if Riku's too close co-con they (who are the historical worst stamina main part in the system) get so spooked they annoy me into stopping far before I'm even challenged

And so today I went to the gym and like, we've been living at our parents for a bit and I'm a hyper independent "need my personal space" kind of person and so I havent had MY Personal Space beyond when I go to the gym and I was like "fuck it man, lets cancel muscle work out today and take up a fun challenge - can I take a fat SHIT on the claim that we aren't built for stamina and go for an hour straight without breaking any of the safety rules"

And god damn it man it wasn't even that hard. 1 Hour Straight, the Elliptical told me to Cool The FUCK down, a little over 5 miles, no stopping, heart rate maintained between 145-166 bpm the whole time and quickly returned to a 136 bpm about 10 seconds after stopping to just walk

Like I dunno man

DID doesn't give you super powers but god damn does dissociation do weird fucking shit cause god damn our system has *properly trained* in incremental increasing distance for stamina and endurance for months on months and at most could only do 1.5 miles in like 20 minutes before dying even at our previous peak

I'm over here easily knocking out 5 miles in an hour and still going "eh, i could have gone longer"

Idk man

IDK

You can tell the story here smh

^ This was when I started cooling down and also when I really wanted to make sure I got at least 5 miles cause 4.8 sounded lame af

[taegularities]

Gosh what can I say, CMI really has a special place in my heart like we’ve come a long way to come to this point!! Again I took down my favourite moments because it makes me tear up 😩

“Pulling out all the stops and making things better with you, I mean. I wouldn’t wanna do it with anyone else.” This is love, this is love. Like even if you’re happy, sad or angry with each other it doesn’t matter as long as its with your person 🥹🥹 I suddenly remember that song called I’d Rather by Luther Vandross ❤️

“Which is you for me. I’m building a home with you.” All I can say is the best is yet to come. I’m so excited for the home and life they’ll build together!! *ehem* kids included *ehem*

“My baby is the prettiest ever. Ever, ever.” Cmi jk makes me swoon 🥰🥰 MY BABY ugh 🙊

Iron Man socks. Obviously worn a hundred times; so, so him. — nauurrr but I do remember kook wearing the iron man socks when they got pranked though 💔 he was a baby 😭😭

“And this… This is my girlfriend. She’s even prettier in real life… that’s right.” Come onnnn!! As if cmi jk cant be more perfect. Im still reeling at the fact they’re together cause cmi jk wears the boyfriend tag like a badge of honour 🥰🥰

“Don’t say these things while they’re here, baby,” he warns, although as tenderly as anyhow possible, “you’ll give me a heart attack, I mean it.” I love it when oc teases him!! He’s down bad! I actually wished oc did something naughty hihi

Much like the flowers towards the downpour, Jungkook and you reached for each other while being watered by gloom — but unlike the flowers, you’re still sprouting and thriving into something vivid and fragrant. Not beaten by the agonising shower. - THIS IS MY MOST FAVOURITE PART. I cant remember how many times I read and go back to this particular paragraph. Your words are so beautiful its painful to think about it ❤️❤️

And in the end, him and you aren’t tragic like them. You will never wither — only bloom. - THIS ONE TOO 😭😭 When I read this I felt like gosh this line holds so much promise. I trust you Rid to never break them apart again 😐🤞🏻

And when I come home now, the first thing I think of is you. What we’d cook tonight. Or what we might watch or talk about. - I wish I have something like this to think about also AHA HA HA HA.. 🫥

“And that’s you. I don’t want anyone if I can’t have you.” Its you for me, and me for you kinda thing. No one can ever come between them ❤️

“Wanna dance with you. And kiss you under the lights.” They’re so sickeningly romantic my gosh I feel my single-ness so much when I read cmi 😩 like idk if they’re the type but when I think of cmi couple, they’re like the ones who would dance to mellow music in their living room with only fairylights on, maybe some wine. Enjoying the night as if they’re the only ones awake and sharing a secret only they know 😩❤️❤️❤️

Thank you Rid for our new year’s gift!! You’re so so incredibly talented and hope you know how special you are as a writer and person!! This new year, i wish you can feel comforted as much as we feel comfort from you and your stories. Love you my darling ❤️

gosh, cmi really has come a long way, huh? 😭 1.5 yrs of beauty, and it shall continue for just a bit longer <3 you're so sweet for highlighting your favourite parts :((

i think one of the reasons i truly love these two so much is that they take every emotion in their relationship as an important and natural part of it. like, we haven't seen that bit yet, but it is in my notes – the way they'll handle jealousy, anger, sorrow, trauma will be so incredibly… mature? and very sweet. and they wouldn't wanna do it with anyone else, yes 🥺

not the kids, plsss 😭 (also im just noticing, but i wanted to call you by a name and only came up with koalashark?? lmaoo is there a name i can call or tag you with? 🥺)

THE IRON MAN SOCKSSS AHHHH i immediately felt bad thinking about the AHL incident bc that was so terrible to witness but… the fact that jk had iron man socks at all :( and he'll be wearing them again just bc oc told him to heheheheh <3

HE DOES WEAR THE BOYFRIEND TAG LIKE A BADGE OF HONOUR AHHHHH he's so proud to be hers 😭 and smth naughty huh? fret not. oc will drive him insane in cmi12/13 lollll. also, ty ty tysm for talking about the flower part. i agonised over it for such a long time, so your praise means a lot to me <3

"Its you for me, and me for you kinda thing"… yes. yes yes yes 🥺 :(((

they're truly both romantic ugh. like, i feel like oc isn't as hardcore of a romantic as him, but that love makes her just that for sure. or idk. i really cannot say who of them is more romantic i just ughghhgjdkshfgjkdfsk :') and yes babe you're right, they're the type to slow dance to mellow music and hold each other close, and her head on his shoulder anddddd… you're not too far off bc we might see this someday 😭

thank you so much for reading, sweetheart <3 you're so fkn sweet for always giving me feedback like this and for making me and the story feel special. i do feel so much comfort, so thank you for this 🥺 love you 🤍

[thegreatimpersonator]

I know you aren’t a fan of You’re Losing Me, so of course you won’t think of the song fondly, but I think it’s catchy and I listen often. But. One thing I’ve always thought is weird about it is the changing tenses within the song. Lots of switching between past and present tense.

It opens with “you say”/“I say,” (not “said”), so it’s present tense. Like, okay, she writing this as the relationship is crumbling, got it.

But then she sings “every morning I glared at you with storms in my eyes.” Glared. Past tense. And that’s followed by “my face was gray but you wouldn’t admit that we were sick.” Her face WAS gray and they WERE sick. But it isn’t anymore? It sounds like this is right after a breakup, dissecting what went wrong, not what’s happening NOW.

But then the actual “you’re losing me” is what’s happening now. Present tense. He hasn’t lost her yet.

But it’s past tense AGAIN when she sings “how long could we be a sad song before we WERE too far gone to bring back to life.” And then it’s back to present tense with “and I’m fading, thinking ‘do something babe, say something.’”

Note that there are other uses of the past tense in the song that I didn’t mention, but those are memories (like when they looked at the room and loved the light), so of course that isn’t happening now——But the examples I mentioned above are things that seem like they’re supposed to be happening NOW.

And listen, I’m an editor, so of course I picked up on this. I’m sure most people truly do not notice or care. But Miss Americana had the clip of Taylor figuring out which word was correct, so you know she pays attention to this, too. None of her other songs are this inconsistent. And when it seemed like this was a freshly written song right after the breakup with Joe, I was like “still a surprise that it’s inconsistent, but hey, heartbreak makes us all cut a few corners.” But now that the song was supposedly written in 2021, and she had 1.5 years to edit it… how did this happen? Idk, it still feels SO much like a rushed smear campaign, and the fact that it was written even longer ago just makes me more confused.

Anyway, sorry for the long analysis lol it just always struck me as odd, and I wondered if anyone else noticed.

Hope your dermatology appointment went well!

I actually have warmed up to it recently, I just have to block out all the parasocial noise attached to it.

I’m not a grammar expert, see every post I’ve ever made having typos, but I personally always took it to mean they’re in an argument in the present and she’s looking back at all the things the other person didn’t do in the past but I’ve only listened to it a few times tbh so idk