#1. woke up early and streamed an emotional game

[chainsandcherries]

my heart rate is like 120+ i would like to get off this ride please

you ever get so stoned your mind is calm enough but then your body starts Having Physical Symptoms of Anxiety so your mind desperately claws at a reason, any reason, to answer for why your body is Acting Like That

[neptuneofthesky]

MCC 16 WINNER’S POV [RECAP]

PINK PARROTS

BADBOYHALO

DREAM

F1NNE5TER

SEAPEEKAY

Dream’s skin had a purple ribbon on it (everyone else was wearing it), I saw it on 5upp’s stream, at first I was just switching, because there was a lot of time left, I was on Bad’s munchy mc stream first, then I was on Fundy, Punz, Jack, etc, and also, George looked so freaking cool what? Then I stayed there and watched George training ponk, it was so fun to watch lmao, he literally had a stopwatch and whistle with him, then Quackity joined the server, and he was using that demonic autotune and then Quackity and Ponk and a speed bridge race, which was just chaos, and then Quackity asked for Ponk’s meat, and then they had fun in the fun zone, then Quackity turned off his autotune, and then George said that if then had fun in the fun zone he’ll give them a prize, and as you expected they had fun in the fun zone, it was really fun to watch lmao.

“Forfeit Deez Nutz bitch” - Quackity to Ponk, 2021

And then I went to Wilbur's stream for a second, where he was talking about fart spaces, then I went to Ranboo’s stream, where he was talking about that he will turn off his face cam while the actual game.

Then I went to poop.

Then I went back to George's stream, where they were just fooling around, I mean, practicing, and then Quackity said George's headband and wrist bands look like Italy but George said it was Germany.

Then George did a very very terrifying demonic laugh, I actually got scared, and then Callahan also joined the server.

“Wel,” - Quackity, 2021

“Come.” - Ponk, 2021

And then Callahan killed quackity and left the game.

And then they started fooling around, Callahan joined the game again.

“Ponk, I'm sorry I slept with your mother” - Quackity, 2021

And then Quackity and Ponk started a duel, Ponk won the first round.

“He slept with my momma!” - Ponk, 2021

Ponk also won the second round, but Quackity won the last round and then George played sad music.

And then I joined Bad’s stream, who was playing hole in the wall with Tommy and fell every. Single. Time.

And then he said that we literally don't know how much he practiced, and he said he muffined up his first mcc. And then he was just hyping himself up, he said he kind of had food poisoning.

“It’s victory or death, or maybe- maybe not death, or maybe, if I don't win, no muffins for one week.”- Badboyhalo, 2021

And then everybody left to go to the main server, and he was all alone, he didn't know there was a main server, and then he joined the main server.

“Victory tastes so much like Gatorade.” - Badboyhalo, 2021

And then he went to the burger shop, it was adorable lol.

“Everybody needs a little bit of violence in their life.” - Badboyhalo, 2021

“Violence with the spatula!” - Badboyhalo, 2021

I got scared, so I went to Dream’s stream.

Everyone was being so supportive in the chat I got emotional.

“Mcc is like Christmas morning.” - Dream, 2021

And then Seapeekay joined the call, then Bad also joined, Finn was just vibing.

And then Seapeekay gave an interview and then George and Sapnap were twerking on each other, Dream paused as he stared at them, Bad came in between them, and then George and Sapnap pretended like nothing happened.

Finn joined the call.

“I'm mugging you for your crown!” - Badboyhalo to Dream, 2021

Badboyhalo woke up and chose violence.

Also, Ranboo had 200k + viewers!

And then Dream distributed burgers and they all went to the decision dome.

Seapeekay boo-ed at build mart.

They decided to vote for grid runners, almost everyone wanted grid runners.

1st Game: Grid Runners

Dream said that he was the narrator and read the whole guide.

They decided if they had to split, Bad and Dream, and Seapeekay and Finn will stay together.

1st Challenge: Jungle Temple

They had to kill all the mobs

2nd Challenge: Bakery

They had to eat all the cakes present in the bakery

3rd Challenge: Sawmill

They had to push the gold; there were a couple of red stone powered buttons, and they had to push them at the same time to complete the challenge

4th Challenge: Wild west

They had to shoot the targets(mobs)

5th Challenge: Kitchen

They had to gather the items, like bread, steak, fish, etc

6th Challenge: Golf

There were four towers, and they had to punch each other on each tower, for example, Callum punched Bad in a tower, Callum also punched Finn and he also punched Dream to Finn, then Finn punched Dream to the final tower.

7th Challenge: Tower

They had to unlock the exit; they had to pull levers for the blocks to push ahead, as Dream complete a parkour course to reach a top to get a key and finish the challenge

8th Challenge: Prison

They had to copy a sculpture; Dream and Finn directed them, Bad and Callum placed the blocks, kind of like build mart, but the sculpture is in another room.

9th Challenge:

Just a simple race to reach the end

They ended up in 3rd place in this game!

Overall, they end up in 3rd place again.

Dream predicted that red will end up in dodgebolt.

Then he did an ad for mcc, promoting grid runners.

And then Callum and Dream went to watch the greens.

And then went to watch blue bats, who were stuck on the tower challenge. Then they hyped them up, but sadly blue couldn't complete the course, but they still did well!!

And then Rat made a barking appearance.

Niki was in the first place!!!<333 Good job Niki!!! (i smiled so hard)

And then Finn expressed excitement about mcc merch.

And then they went to decision dome,

2nd Game: Sky Battle

1st Round

They told they had a special strategy, their communication skills were looking good

Dream got 4 kills.

Bad got 1 kill.

Finn got 0 kills.

Callum got 2 kills.

They got 3rd place!

2nd Round

Ponk killed Bad

And Dream got George.

"I was a little too aggressive there." Dream, 2021

Dream got 5 kills.

Bad got 1 kill.

Finn got 1 kill.

Callum got 2 kills.

Then they re-strategized.

2nd round was really fun to watch

They ended up in 4th place!

3rd Round

The chemistry of Callum and Dream was amazing this round.

Dream got 6 kills.

Bad got 2 kills.

Finn got 2 kills.

Callum got 5 kills.

They got 6th place!

Dream was in 5th place in this game!

They were in 4th place overalls!!

Dream had a special strategy including the lava bucket, but the lava bucket was removed so it threw them off.

3rd Game: Parkour Tag

Ponk had to pee so they had to wait a little.

“You could pee on a desk!” Seapeekay and Dream, 2021

1st round

Dream was the hunter, he got them alL

Unfortunately, all the runners got hunted.

But since Dream hunted the opposite team quicker, they won this round.

2nd round

Dream was the hunter again, he also got them all quickly

This time all the runners were alive!!

They were also in the first place in the game.

3rd round

Seapeekay was hunting this time, he got them all!

The runners except Dream got hunted.

They were still in first place.

4th round

Seapeekay was he hunter again, they did the bait and switch (dream pretended he was the hunter), but he couldn't get George,

"Gogy didn't miss any jump." - Seapeekay, 20221

Finn was suddenly CRACKED in this round.

They tied but overall ended up in first place.

5th round

Seapeekay was the hunter again, he got them all

All the runners got tagged.

It was tied again, but they still won because they tagged them quicker.

They were in first place again overall!

6th round

Dream was the hunter he got them all really quickly,

All the runners got tagged by Sapnap (good job Sapnap<33)

But the pinks still won because they got them quicker.

they were in the first place again!

7th round

Finn is hunting this round, he only got 2 of the runners

All the runners got tagged by Quig!

They end up in 3rd place overall.

8th round

[Finn was doing a dream cosplay]

Seapeekay was the hunter this time, he got them all

All the runners got tagged too

But the pinks still won because they got them quicker.

They end up in second place overall.

9th round

Dream was the hunter, he got them all. (all of the reds)

All the runners were tagged too by Tommy. (good job Tommy!!)

Wilbur and dream had a… weird interaction lol

They won this time too for quickly tagging them.

They did really good this game!!

Dream was in the first place in this game!!

They ended up in 3rd place overall!!

Seapeekay complimented George's jumping skills.

They also complimented Captain Sparklz.

4th Game, TGTTOSAWAF

Seapeekay was determined to beat Philza Minecraft

Round 1

Callum - 1st (suck it Philza Minecraft)

Dream - 21st

Bad - 29th

Finn didnt get to finish, (it's alright!!<33)

Round 2

Dream - 1st

Callum - 10th

Finn - 20th

Bad - 33rd

“Knowing Tommy, he probably got in a punching match, he punched the wrong person and they were like, 'oh Tommy you are going down.' " - Dream, 2021

Round 3

Bad - 4th

Finn - 6th

Callum - 9th

Dream - 15th

They were the first team to finish and were in first place overall!!

“Where is my 1.7 trillion luck?!” - Dream, 2021

Round 4

Dream - 3rd

Callum - 11th

Finn - 15th

Bad - 18th

they were the first team to finish this time too and were also in first place overall again!!

also, Scott punched Niki off, but then he also apologized

Round 5

Finn - 10th

Callum - 12th

Dream - 20th

Bad - 39th (he could've finished early but a 'blue muffinhead' punched him off so he just bridged from the start lmao)

They were in first place overall!!

Round 6

Dream - 7th

Finn - 11th

Callum - 10th

Bad - 22nd

Their team was the second one to finish after aquas!!

They were in first place overall in the game!

Seapeakay was in 1st place, Dream was in 3rd in the game!

They were in 2nd place overall!!

Seapeekay was in all pink (he looked banger honestly)

Dream was in 2nd place overall!

Seapeekay got 3rd place overall!

5th Game: Survival Games

The twitter voting one, they told everyone to vote build mart, but then changed to sands of times (very rigged lmao, I got confused at the end)

everybody went to pee/water/etc, Dream was alone so he just stayed silent for the first minute then complemented Sapnap, and when everyone was back,

“Spinach slaps.” - Finnester, 2021

“Spinach is in the way of my screen.” - Finnester, 2021

When the game started, they did the buddy system, Seapeekay and Finn, Dream and Bad, and they technically decided to stick together.

Their communication and coordination were phenomenal.

Dream’s leadership skills, oh my god, just, perfection.

Even tho they lost, their communication was very very good.

“This whole game sticks on me” - Tommyinnit, 2021

Red rabbits were “arguing” in the chat lmao, what was really happening??

They ended up in 7th place in the game and 3rd place overall!

They all got crossbows as they all shot build mart chickens.

6th Game: Ace Race

Bad made sudden chicken noises out of nowhere making everyone laugh.

“What noise does a chicken make?” - Seapeekay, 2021

“Gobble gobble.” - Badboyhalo, 2021

“What noise does a chicken make? 'Hi I'm George.'” - Dream, 2021

“What is the national anthem for the UK?” - Badboyhalo, 2021

“Take it away Finn.”- Seapeekay, 2021

*Finn bursts out laughing*

Also, Dream did a skip at the starting of the course which got him from 18th to 3rd!

Dream - 3rd

Callum - 4th

Bad - 9th

Finn - 24th

They did really good!!

Dream had the fasted lap!

They ended up in first place this game!

They ended up in 2nd place overall!

Seapeekay in 5th, Dream in 4th overall!!

7th Game: Build Mart (tubbo cringe /j)

Tubbo fell in the decision dome and punched the chickens in build mart even tho most of the teams didnt want build mart.

"sapnap: tubbo SUCKS

tubbo: hi sapnap"

I was so confused the whole time, I kind of spaced out lmao, like build mart makes my head hurt not even joking.

They got 7th place in build mart!

They got 2nd place overall!!

aquas dunked pinks lol

8th Game: Sands Of Times

I don't really know how to explain sands of times, but it was super fun to watch, so I suggest you go watch it!! Their coordination and communication was super cool

"badboyhalo looks at a ravager: it's the rhino thingy! Is it a triceratop?"

And that sudden music in it, my soul left my body not even joking

Their team coins were 5439!

Dream three 3 tomatoes at Tommy,

Dream asked Niki if she wanted to throw tomatoes at anyone she wants, but she was beating herself up, Niki you did good<33

They got second place overall!! (8th place reddit? really?)

then something happened with dream's nails

The Final Showdown: Dodgebolt

Purple Pandas vs Pink Parrots

First-Round

Punz, Puffy, and Ponk cheered Bad up through the chat.

Fruit got Seapeekay

Dream got Fruit (get the birthday boy lmao)

Scott got Bad

Dream got Scott

Punz cheered Dream up through the chat

Then Dream also got Grian, and Joel (smallishbeans)

Puffy cheered up the pinks through the chat

Pinks won the first round!

“I'm putting my blood sweat and tears into this!” - Dream, 2021

Dream was literally bleeding and laughing at the same time lmao

Second-Round

Fruit got Dream

Grian got Bad

Fruit got Seapeekay

Ant and Spifey cheered Finn up through the chat.

Finn got Fruit

Finn got Scott

Joel got Finn

Jack cheered up Finn thought the chat

Purple won the second round!

Thrid-Round

Dream got Scott

Fruit got Bad

Callum got Joel

Dream got Fruit

Grian got Dream

Grian got Seapeekay

Dream told Finn to take his time, and immediately after he said that Finn got Grian

Pink won the third round!

Final-Round

When Dream was taking his time to shoot Fruit, Tommy said, "time wastr"

Joel got Bad

Callum got Scott

Dream got Grain

Callum got Joel

And then Dream fucking fell in the lava

Great birthday present Dream

Everyone was very surprised as Dream just said that game was too hard and he wanted to make it easier for Fruit

Fruit got Callum

And then Finn got Fruit immediately!!

PINK PARROTS FOR THE WIN!!

(its 3 20 am here but i still silently screamed lmao)

[Dream will donate 21000 dollars to cancer research! Sam, Skeppy, Tapl, Finn, are also gonna match/donate!]

“I’m shaking very very hard.” - Finnester, 2021

Sapnap joined their call, Scott also joined their call, and then just discussed the game.

And sadly Scott won't paint Seapeekays’s coin pink.

Puffy and Punz raided Bad.

And they again talked about the event and stuff.

Then I may or may not have switched to George's kinoko kingdom 'lore' with Karl 👀

Then I went back to Bad, who was thanking everybody, and Bad, you were not the dead weight, you popped off, no one was the dead weight, everybody did very poggers!

Then he called skeppy, and then they talked, their 'muffiny talks'

It was honestly so cute

And then he joined the call of others, who were just discussing the game, then they talked about Sylvie popping off, I kind of stopped paying attention, I was very very sleepy.

Then they talked about how the four muffinteers should team up for the next mcc.

I'm sorry, I would’ve elaborated more, but my health wasn't the best sorry :(

They just discussed the game and all.

And

What

The

Fuck

was happening on George’s stream?

Well, it was just plain chaos, but I was still watching it.

It was 4 am by then

and I was very much sleep-deprived.

when dream fell in the lava in dodgebolt, most of the other teams thought he did that on purpose

they really popped off in parkour tag (Dream and Seapeekay were CRACKED) and the way Finn suddenly cracked in the fourth round was phenomenal,

they ALSO popped off in tgttosawaf (Bad did so good except in the 6th round lmao)

their communication was good in survival games, but they were more on the defensive side, and they just jumped in when there was a crowd, like seapeekay said, they should’ve just waited for clean up.

but they crushed sands of times!! (Bad especially)

their communication in grid runners was really good, they figured everything out really quickly

their chemistry in sky battle was also good, maybe if lava bucket wasn't removed, they would've popped off more

and I wasn't really sure about ace race, but they all popped off, like seriously

and build mart just made my head physically hurt

I wasn't really feeling well, but I had really fun watching it!!

And once again,

CONGRATS PINK PARROTS!!!

[gaemkyuu]

Of Kings & Queens (Part One)

Warnings: none!  A/N: Here’s the first part! This is mostly context to the story, with a sneak peak of Prince Charlie! I’ll upload a little more tomorrow! AU!Prince Charlie Gillespie x Fictional Character Disclaimer: This is a FICITONAL writing piece! In no way do I claim characters in this piece act this way in real life.

Masterlist *now taking requests ;)

Part 1/Part 2/Part 3/Part 4/Part 5/Part 6

Four Kingdoms stood strong.  North, East, South and West.  Four Royal Families would unite the land. The Blood of Gillespie would rule the cold North, bountiful with forestry and game. The Blood of Shada would rule the Eastern coast and land, mastering the stormy seas and its’ treasures. The Blood of Joyners would rule the hot Southern lands, gathering the resources for petrol that kept the Kingdoms running. The Blood of Lee would rule the golden coast of the Western lands, providing crops and livestock to feed the people. In each Kingdom, a Ruler to bring prosperity and peace to all its’ people.

Dawn was breaking and people were already moving busily about the Western Kingdom. As more people woke, the excitement in the air increased, for today was a special day. Festivities would start early in the day and go late into the night as the Western Kingdom celebrated the coming of age the Princess. Not only was it the Princess’ birthday, it also signified that the Princess was now officially on the Royal Market, searching for a partner to become King of the Western Kingdom. Tonight’s celebration at the castle would bring people from all over the nation, including the royal families from the Eastern, Southern, and Northern kingdoms. Farmers harvested and packed their crops and livestock, Bakers made fresh delights by the dozens, Florists put out their best and brightest flowers and the Merchants polished their wares. This special occasion would bring people from all over the Four Kingdoms to their stores in celebration and vacation. All the work that was being put into the celebration brought the citizens together and united them on this special day. 

Well... At least the citizens were excited...

The Princess was awoken by her best friend and handmaiden, much to her displeasure. She groaned and pulled the covers over her head as the curtains in her room were parted, trying to ignore the hustle and bustle going around her. She knew what day it was, and this made her want to stay in bed for much longer. She even debated not getting up at all. As her handmaiden made herself busy and gave directions to other servants that had entered her room, the princess pulled a pillow over her head, trying to make it clear that she had no intention of getting up. With a heavy sigh, her confidant gave the other servants orders and ushered them out before shutting the door softly behind them.

“Liv. I love you and you know how I feel about today, but I would really appreciate it if you would cooperate so we don’t have the queen on our butts this early” the princess groaned and her best friend pulled the covers off her body. She flinched at the bright sunlight streaming into her room.

“I’m not getting up today Sav. It’s not happening” Savannah shook her head and rolled her eyes at her friend. She knew that Olivia could be quite the drama queen, but today she needed her to cooperate so that she wouldn’t fall behind schedule. Savannah glanced at the clock, already knowing that the extra 15 minutes she allotted was now gone. 

“Liv, unless you want to bathe in a cold bath, you will get up or so help me I will dump ice water on you myself!” Olivia groaned and finally sat up looking at her best friend with disdain. “Listen, I know you don’t want to do Today. I get it. But you don’t need another reason to get on the nerves of the King and Queen today” Savannah’s voice sounded slightly distressed and Olivia felt a little guilty at her dramatization this morning.

Olivia and Savannah were best friends ever since she could remember. Savannah was the only friend she had growing up in the palace and was the only friend her parents let her have that wasn’t Royalty. Sure, there were the Duchesses and Countesses of the smaller lands in the Western Kingdom, but Olivia always found them snooty or rude. Savannah’s family had been helping the royal family for generations and they were integral parts of the inner workings of the palace. Naturally, when Savannah’s parents were busy at work Savannah would wander the halls until she found Olivia. The two were like sisters and the King and Queen appreciated the hard work her family put in to serving the Royal family. 

And while the Royal family paid them handsomely while providing them lodging, Olivia couldn’t help but feel a little guilty at times when the difference in their status showed. Olivia rarely wore the same dress twice, while Savannah had a very modest and small wardrobe. Olivia had a private instructor, while Savannah went to the school with other children. But Savannah never really cared and that’s what Olivia loved about her. She was a true and honest friend who Olivia felt safe confiding in.

“Sorry Sav. I didn’t mean to make this any harder on you than it already has been” Olivia offered her friend a smile, patting the spot beside her on the bed. “Think you can spend a few minutes off your feet? Debrief me on the day if you will?” Savannah greatly accepted the spot, giving her a knowing look and a big sigh.

“Well Princess-” Olivia glared at Savannah at the title. “You need to get into the baths and get clean so I can do your hair and make up before the lady the Queen hired arrives. There is no way I’m letting you face the neighbouring nations’ heirs with makeup and hair that I don’t approve of.” Olivia laughed at Savannah’s possessiveness.

“Do we know if the royal families are coming or just their heirs?” Olivia gave a stretch, preparing herself to start the day.

“To my knowledge, just the heirs... But I hear that Prince Charles is quite handsome!” Olivia rolled her eyes as Savannah winked at her. “What? I can’t help it! You hear the chitter chatter in the palace halls. They arrived yesterday and some of the other servants have already been gushing about him. He’s apparently really charming and great husband material” Savannah saw the look of defeat briefly cross her friend’s eyes, before covering it up with an annoyed sigh. “But enough of that. Let’s get you cleaned and dressed and ready to greet our guests.”

***

“Alright Liv, take a deep breath and hold it, I’m pulling up the zipper!” Olivia did as she was told, while Savannah pulled up the zipper to her dress. She was already dreading the fact that she would have to wear the elaborate garb for several hours. Although the light blue gown was absolutely stunning and represented her fashion sense too, she didn’t expect it to come in several pieces. After putting on two layers of skirt, she had a separate top that needed to be zipped up and a cape draped over her shoulders. She could already feel the weight of the material weighing her down a bit and she sighed at the fact that they hadn’t put on her jewelry yet. Savannah and her helpers busied themselves about putting on a bracelet here and a necklace there. Another girl was putting on her earrings while the other made small hems to her dress. Olivia felt like the dolls that her and Savannah played with as little girls.

“Voila! I’ve outdone myself!” Savannah exclaimed, admiring her bestfriend’s transformation, stepping away from her so that she could see herself in the mirror. As much as Olivia didn’t want to like this moment, she couldn’t stop the smile that graced her face. Her best friend had listened to her every request about her dress. Her mother insisted that her first dress be floor length, modest and a Queen Ann neckline. She requested that the dress be midnight blue with the lace accents to be gold. Her mother criticized her colour choice, saying that dark colours were for the evening, not the morning. Olivia argued that if she had no say in the dress at all, she would go naked, a response in which her mother glared angrily at her. However, as she looked at herself in the mirror, she realized that Savannah had taken her mother’s requests and her requests and blended them together. She had a high waisted, A-line skirt that held the princess look her mother wanted, but it wasn’t so big that Olivia felt like a pastry. The Queen Ann neckline was a dark blue mesh with gold lace accents that extended into long sleeves for her arms. Her bodice held very little decoration as the bottom of her dress held all the royal ornate details. The velvet floor length cape was held together by a golden broach.

As per tradition, Olivia wore her family jewels. The gold diamond festoon necklace sat proudly upon her collar and the gold and sapphire earrings were prominent but not over done. A small dainty gold bracelet sat on her wrist and her family ring decorated her right hand. Her hair was neatly pulled back into a loosened braided low bun with the occasional curl framing her face.

“You’ve done a fine job Savannah” the girls jumped at the voice of the Queen. Quickly turning around, Savannah curtsied to her majesty and Olivia followed with a smaller curtsy. “Savannah, could you please grab the tiara out of the case?”

“Yes, your majesty” Savannah hurried over to the velvet case on the vanity and presented it to the Queen. The small but simple gold tiara sparkled in the light of the room. As the Queen gently picked the tiara up, Olivia bowed, lowering her head, a gesture she was all too familiar with. Her mother placed her tiara upon her head and held her face in her hands. She kissed her daughter on the head, careful not to get any lipstick on her.

“The gods have been great to bless me with a daughter as beautiful as you.” Olivia smiled at her mom, not expecting the sudden emotional tenderness she displayed. “Happy Birthday my dearest. Promise me you’ll try to behave yourself today?” Olivia scoffed and rolled her eyes.

“I’ll try” her mother chuckled softly.

“Just like your father... All I ask is that you give today a chance to be great. You might be surprised at the unexpected events that may present themselves to you” Olivia could never see herself being as polished as her mother. She knew her mother had her best interest at heart, but Olivia couldn’t help but feel like her mother was forcing her to fit into traditional roles of the Kingdom. “If you’ll excuse me, I must be on my way to the throne room. I shall see you shortly Olivia. Savannah, please ensure that the Princess does not stall. I would hate to have her tardy for her grand entrance.”

“Yes your highness!” Savannah curtsied as her mother and the remaining servants exited, leaving the two of them in the room. “Ready to go my lady?”

“Savannah, you know you can drop the formalities around me.” Olivia stepped off the round fitting platform, Savannah catching her arm as Olivia stumbled for a moment, not used to wearing heels. “It makes me feel weird!”

“I know, but we are going to be around tons of people today and most of them would probably have my head if I called you by name in front of them. I’ll be at your side the entire time, but when others are around, you have to remember I’m your attendant” Olivia sighed in slight disappointment, but she knew her friend was right.

“How is it that you’re not the Princess and I am? You’d be way better at this than I am” Savannah giggled at her remarks and dusted her dress off before they opened the door. They knew that her royal guards were right behind it and that as soon as they exited the room, their dynamic had to change.

“Please, I can’t hide my feelings as easily as you. When I think someone is an idiot, it’s clear all over my face and I don’t even notice it!” they shared a laugh as they opened the door and officially started the day. 

But they didn’t expect to see a brown haired man zoom by them in hysterical laughter as a taller blonde man chased after him. 

“Charlie! Get back here with my crown!” and the two disappeared around the corner. Olivia blinked in shocked, trying to process whether the scene in front of her happened or not. As her and Savannah shared a look and shrugged their shoulders, they realized that today was going to indeed be very eventful.

tag list:  @ifilwtmfc

[ya-like-space]

Oranges, A Warm Summer’s Breeze, and Home

Souji didn’t want to leave. In the short year he was there, Inaba had become his home. The only place he’d ever felt like he truly belonged. As he watched his friends and family grow farther and farther away from the train window, tears slowly started to run down his cheeks. He’s leaving behind the best thing that’s ever happened to him. When the platform was no more than a speck in the distance, Souji sat back in his seat. Closing his eyes, he drifts off to sleep.

 He wakes up hours later to a station announcement. Wiping the sleep from his eyes, he grabs his bag from the overhead. Stepping off the train, a rush of emotion hits him. It hadn’t been long since he’d been in Tokyo, but it felt like forever. It all felt wrong. A sense of unfamiliarity flowed throughout him as he walked through the busy streets. Compared to Inaba, everything was so much bigger. 

 Dreading walking into his parent’s apartment again, Souji stood outside the door, counting. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, ...10.  Upon reaching 10, he flung open the door. Duffel bag in hand, he raced quickly and quietly to his bedroom. His parents weren’t home, and wouldn’t be for another two days. Couldn’t even make it home to greet their own son. Setting his bag down, he flopped onto his bed. He didn’t want to unpack, knowing if he did, the reality of the situation would set in. Instead, he settled for glaring at all the boxes already in his room. They had arrived days prior. 

 He can still remember how hard it was for him to pack. A part of him wanted to leave everything there, exactly how it was, so when he came back it would all be the same. But the rational part of him had won out, and he called Yosuke over to help him. Though it probably hadn’t been necessary, Souji had wanted to spend as much time with him as possible. They had gotten all of the things he was taking with him packed in only an hour. Leaving them the rest of the day to spend with each other. Not wanting to be in his empty room anymore, Yosuke had suggested they take a walk to the Samegawa. Or at least, that’s what Souji thought was going to happen.

 Yosuke had confessed to him. Down by the riverbank, in the same place they had their fight. He had broken down when they got there, spilling his heart to Souji. Yosuke kissed him that day, arms looped around Souji’s back, hands in his hair. They walked home together hand in hand, tear tracks still visible on Yosuke’s cheeks.

 Souji already misses Inaba, and he’s barely been in Tokyo an hour. It wasn’t fair that he had to leave. That he had to go back to an empty apartment, to parents who were never home, to parents who used him, and a new school of people who don’t know what he’s been through. 

 That night, Souji dreamt of a warm embrace and a rushing river.

 Even though he really didn’t want to, Souji began unpacking his stuff. He started with the duffel bag, which was mostly empty. Other than a few changes of clothes, and his toiletries. 

 But when he opened the first box, instead of the muted black of the old t-shirt that Souji had thought would be on top, there was a rumpled lump of orange fabric on top, which was revealed to be a very familiar hoodie when he pulled it out of the box by one sleeve. It was one of Yosuke’s hoodies, the one he’d been wearing when he’d helped Souji pack up his room, in fact. Tears begin streaming down his face. Souji lifts the hoodie out of the box, burying his face in it. It smells like oranges, a warm summer's breeze, and home. He stays like this for a while, before attempting to compose himself. Flipping over the hoodie, he sees something that was previously hidden. A little pink sticky note, stuck to the underside of the cloth. 

  I’ll miss u partner <3

 That breaks him. Souji crumples into a ball on the floor, unable to stop sobbing. A good 10 minutes go by before he can even think again. When he finally manages to collect himself, he gets an idea. His parents arrive tomorrow, so he’ll have to leave early in the morning. He buys a one way ticket to Inaba, and repacks all of his things. This has to work. Before he goes to bed, he sends a text to Dojima, telling him about the plan. Dojima immediately agrees, telling Souji he’ll pick him up from the station tomorrow.

 Souji gets up the next morning, and writes a note to his parents. Placing it on the dining room table, it feels like a weight has been lifted from him. He walks back to the train station. On the ride back to Inaba, Souji wonders if he did the right thing. But then he looks down at the hoodie he slipped on that morning, before leaving. All doubts leave his mind at the first sight of orange. He rests his head against the window as the gentle rumbling of the train lulls him into a peaceful sleep.

 When he wakes, the conductor is announcing Yasoinaba Station is only minutes away. Souji grabs his duffel bag and moves to the other side of the train. It’s almost like coming here the first time, with the empty compartment and empty station. He meets Dojima outside, getting into the passenger seat of the car.

 “Hi.”

 Dojima turns his head to look at him. Ruffling Souji’s hair he smiles, “Hey there kiddo. It’s good to see you.”

 Souji smiles back at him.

 “It’s only been a day,” he pauses, his expression softening slightly, “but I missed you too, Uncle.”

 The drive back to the house is silent. But it’s the good kind of silence. The kind that calms you, and steadies your nerves. Souji’s half expecting to be bombarded by Nanako when they get inside, but instead, the house is dark. 

 “Nanako went to play at a friend’s house today. She should be home soon.”

 “Oh. Okay.”

 Souji had been excited to see his cousin, but he was fine with waiting. It would give him and his Uncle time to sort some things out.

 “Now. Souji. Are you sure you want to do this? Because if you are, 

I’m willing to do whatever needs to be done.”

 Dojima wasn’t an idiot. He had seen the signs of abuse in his nephew when he had first arrived in Inaba,  and as much as he would like to believe his sister wouldn’t do something like that, he knew it was true. And when Souji had sent him a message asking about  this, well, he couldn’t deny it anymore. He cared about Souji, and wanted him to be safe.

 “Yes. I’m sure. I don’t want to be a part of that family anymore, I don’t want to be treated like a doll, like I’m just there for their entertainment. I want to be here, with my real family.”

 “That’s all I needed to know. Now let’s get this paperwork filled out.”

 “Alright.”

 Nanako arrived home hours after they had finished filing everything out. Her face had lit up upon seeing Souji.

 “Big Bro!”

 She jumped into him, squeezing her arms around his middle.

“What are you doing here?”

 He smiles down at her.

 “I decided I’m not going back to the city.”

 “Yay!”

 The three of them spent that night redoing Souji’s room, and eating take-away. Souji had decided he was gonna surprise Yosuke tomorrow. His shift at Junes ended at 3, so all he had to do was show up after it was over.

 When Souji woke the next morning, Dojima was arguing with someone on the phone. Souji’s parents, most likely. He listened for a while, barely able to make out any of the words. They sounded angry, and he was glad that he didn’t have to deal with them. Dojima hung up the phone, finally noticing Souji.

 “Hm? Oh, good morning Souji.”

 “Are my parents angry?”

 Dojima nodded, motioning for Souji to sit.

 “They seem to think they own you, and that they reserve the right to control your every move.”

 His expression darkened.

 “Souji. You should’ve said something sooner.”

 “I know. But I was afraid too.”

 “Well, as long as you’re safe now.”

 Souji smiled softly, “Yeah. I am.”

 After speaking with his Uncle for a bit longer, and getting the last of the adoption papers filled, he headed to the Samegawa to kill time. It was a little hard getting there, since he nearly ran into Yukiko on the way. Souji wasn’t quite ready to tell the rest of the team he was in Inaba again, in case something went wrong. The only exception being Yosuke. He really wanted to see Yosuke again, but he had to wait. Souji spent the next few hours down by the riverbank, listening to the rushing water.

 Before he knew it, it was almost 3, and Souji made his way to Junes. His plan was to wait near the back entrance, where Yosuke parks his bike. That way, if someone he knew was in Junes, they wouldn’t see him.

  One minute. 30 seconds. 15 seconds. Now!  Yosuke walked through the door, right on time. At first, he didn’t notice Souji was there. But then he saw him standing, right next to his bike. Yosuke barreled into him, laughing happily.

 “Souji! What are you doing here?”

But then Souji said the best thing Yosuke had heard all day.

 "I'm not going," suddenly Souji had him pushed up against a wall, and was kissing him. It wasn't a gentle kiss either, it was hard and demanding and so full of need that Yosuke started to feel a little dizzy.

 "W-what?" he managed to stutter, utterly bewildered by the turn of events.

 "Tell me you love me," Souji requested.

 Now Yosuke definitely wasn’t expecting that, his face flushing a deep red. Souji was looking at him, but the look in his eyes was something Yosuke had never seen before. Something like panic, or desperation. For some reason Souji had come all the way back to Inaba, and the least Yosuke could do was grant this small request.

 "I love you, Souji.”

 Souji practically squeezed him to death in a hug, burying his face in the side of Yosuke's neck with a noise that sounded suspiciously like a sob.

 "Say it again," he repeated, voice muffled by Yosuke's shirt. Yosuke grinned, feeling warmth flow throughout him.

 "I love you," he sighed, wrapping his arms around Souji in return.

  There’s that smell again. Souji breathed in deeply. Oranges, a warm summer's breeze, and home.

Home.

He’s finally home.

@souyoweek2020​ Day 6 | scent

One more day! I've had the idea for this fic in my head, ever since I finished the game for the first time. I always thought there should've been an ending where Souji got to stay in Inaba. This ended up being a tad bit heavier then i wanted, but it kind’ve took on a life of its own while I was writing it. 

[danrdarrenc]

5 Christmases + 1 Christmas Eve

2019

Will blinked awake to the early morning sun streaming through their window. Sonny’s arm was draped over his waist, his body a warm weight against Will’s back. Will turned carefully so as not to wake Sonny and smiled softly at his sleeping husband.

“Morning,” Sonny mumbled, half-asleep.

“I didn’t mean to wake you,” Will whispered.

Sonny smiled slowly and opened his eyes to look at Will. “I’m certain a little monster is going to wake us any second.”

Will huffed out a laugh and brushed his lips against Sonny’s before snuggling closer so they were nose-to-nose.

Sure enough, a minute later, the door opened and the bed bounced with the weight of a seven year-old.

“Daddies, wake up! It’s Christmas!” 

Will and Sonny laughed together and let Ari drag them out of bed and downstairs to see what Santa brought her.

* * * * * * 

2021

Sonny woke to the first rays of sunlight peeking through the slats in their bedroom shades. Will was sleeping peacefully next to him, their faces a breath away. Their legs were twined under the sheets and the hands in between them were brushing. Sonny lifted his other hand to trace lightly over Will’s face. 

This past year had been nothing short of a roller-coaster of emotions: the divorce; finding out Maggie had been the one responsible for Adrienne’s death and that Victor had framed Will for it; Will being released from prison; Will insisting that Sonny be happy with Evan (”What happened will never go away, Sonny! It doesn’t matter that I didn’t do it!”); Sonny insisting that Will not being responsible did make a difference (”Of course it matters, Will!  All the reasons you gave me for not being together don’t exist anymore!”); them getting back together on their anniversary (”Husbands for life, remember?” Sonny asked before kissing Will senseless); their third - and final! (or so Sonny hoped) - wedding in August on the anniversary of Will getting his memories back. 

And now they were here, in their own apartment, settled again, and happy.

“I can hear you thinking,” Will said, popping open an eye to look at Sonny.

“Sorry,” Sonny said with a cheeky grin. “I didn’t mean to wake you. You looked so peaceful.”

“What were you thinking about?” 

“Everything that happened this year.”

Will blinked fully awake and his hand found Sonny’s under the sheets. “I love you.”

“I love you too.”

They kissed lazily for a long time.

“It’s so quiet,” Will whispered.

“That’s what happens when there’s no almost nine-year old monster in the house on Christmas.”

Will grinned.  They had dropped Ari (and all the presents for her) off with Gabi and Stefan after the Horton tree trimming the night before. She had spent Christmas with them for the past few years (just Sonny, last year); she had asked to be with her mom this year and they readily obliged. 

“What do you want to do today?” Sonny asked. 

“Can we stay in? Or do we have go to your family?”

“Staying in sounds like the best Christmas ever,” Sonny answered, kissing Will again.

After sleeping another couple of hours, Sonny made them pancakes and they exchanged their gifts for each other (a new watch [Will’s was lost in the accident] and journal for Will, and new gloves [Sonny’s were hopelessly worn out] and new pages for their photo album for Sonny). 

Together they opened their families’ presents: from Eric and Nicole they received a framed photo of a quiet moment between them from their wedding that they hadn’t known he’d captured; Sami, Lucas, and EJ had jointly sent them Italian chocolates and two expensive bottles of wine; Justin had bought them season tickets to the Cubs home games; John and Marlena had bought them the stereo system they were missing; Kate gifted them a weekend at the Green Mountain Lodge; and Arianna had drawn them a picture of the three of them and a puppy (her way of telling them she wanted a dog) and bought each of them matching pens with her allowance money.

When they finished with all their presents, they settled on the couch under a fuzzy, warm blanket, with cups of hot chocolate in their hands, and spent the rest of the day watching silly Christmas movies and snacking on the Italian chocolate and popcorn.

* * * * * * *

2023

Will, Sonny, and Ari strolled through the Christmas market in Switzerland, Ari carefully cradling a cup of hot chocolate as she perused the stalls.  They’d already purchased three bags full of jewelry, tchotchkies, and various gifts for Gabi, her grandparents, and great-grandparents.

This Christmas they had decided to take Ari to visit Sami, Lucas, EJ, the twins, and Sydney, and follow through on visiting the European markets they had talked about so long ago. They were also going to stop by Carrie and Austin (who had reunited) and Noah while they were in Switzerland.  It was to be their last trip out of Salem for a while, with the babies due to be born in February.

“Daddy! Can I go on the carousel?!” Ari asked, looking up at Will. At almost eleven, she was in ways both very much a teenager and still a kid.

“Sure, Little Lady,” Will said. He still used the old endearment whenever possible, certain she wouldn’t tolerate it much longer.

She grinned, handed Sonny her empty cup, and ran to the carousel.

Sonny laughed, linked his fingers with Will’s, and together they followed Ari to the carousel to pay for her ride. 

* * * * * * * 

2024

Their first Christmas with the twins was chaotic.  It started when Ari grumbled to get out of bed early, even though she was excited to open presents (although she would never let on that she was, she was too old now).  Then it took them an extra hour to get out of the house with two ten-month olds and a pre-teen than it normally would have and they had four different places to hit before they could collapse back home.

Their first stop was the Kiriakis mansion to visit Justin, Maggie, Victor, and Sonny’s brothers who had surprised them all for coming to Salem for Christmas this year. They had planned on only staying an hour but Maggie had insisted they stay for tea.

So an hour behind schedule, they headed to the Brady Pub to visit Roman, Kayla and Steve, Stephanie, who had also come to Salem for the holidays, Hope, and Shawn, Belle, and Claire, who had been released from Bayview the previous year.  At the Pub, they ate lunch, and the twins fell asleep in their carriage.

With the twins still asleep, and bellies full, they made a pit stop at Kate’s apartment, where they made up some time, managing to stay only a half an hour with the excuse that they had dinner plans and still needed to see John and Marlena. It wasn’t a complete lie as their dinner plans were with John and Marlena, but Kate didn’t need to know that.

The babies woke up crying somewhere between Kate’s apartment and John and Marlena’s townhouse, so they lost time again as they had to stop to soothe them.  Eventually, with one baby in Ari’s arms and one in Sonny’s, and Will pushing the now empty carriage, they rang the doorbell to the townhouse.

Brady greeted them with his four-year old daughter on his hip. 

As they were pulling off their coats and scarves, Paul appeared from the kitchen with his new husband, followed by Claire, Belle, and Shawn, who had beaten them to the townhouse from the Pub.  John and Marlena appeared shortly after, hugging Will and Sonny and Ari and cooing at the babies.

An hour later, they sat down to dinner, Ari chattering away about the presents she received and loudly and pointedly about the ones she hadn’t. 

* * * * * * * *

2030

The Christmas before Ari’s nineteenth birthday she didn’t spend in Salem. Johnny, Allie, and Sydney had decided to spend the two weeks covering Christmas and New Year’s in Aruba and Ari had cajoled Will, Sonny, and Gabi into letting her go with them. Allie had promised Will that they wouldn’t let Ari drink (”Will, Dad is an alcoholic and I’ve had more than my share of days clinging to a toilet bowl.”), but he knew in his bones that Ari would have a drink at some point during the trip. 

“I have to give Ari credit though,” Sonny said after getting off the phone with her on Christmas morning.  “In all the times we’ve spoken to her, she’s never sounded even tipsy.”

“Should that worry us?” Will asked on a laugh. 

“No. I don’t think so. Ari’s a good girl. She’s not a partier,” Sonny said seriously. “I think I’m more concerned about her switching a paternity test or something.”

Will howled with laughter and the twins appeared from their bedroom to see what the commotion was.

* * * * * * * *

+ 1

2040

After Julie passed away earlier in the year, Doug already passed two years before, Jennifer had offered the Horton house to Will and Sonny. With Chad, Abby, Thomas, and Charlotte permanently living in Paris, and JJ in London, Jack and Jennifer had decided to relocate to Paris to be closer to their family.  Because the apartment was feeling crowded with two teenage boys, and because Arianna was now married with a baby on the way, Will and Sonny thanked Jennifer profusely and accepted the deed to the Horton house.

And so it was their first year hosting the annual Horton tree trimming. 

“Adam! Make sure the boxes of ornaments are down from the attic!” Will called from the kitchen where he was checking on Sonny’s cookies. 

Adam huffed and begrudgingly put down his book to trudge up the stairs to the attic.

“Chris, can you help me with the tree?” Sonny asked, struggling. Chris jumped off the couch to help position the tree in front of the window.

“How does it look?” Sonny asked Will who appeared from the kitchen. 

“Looks great,” Will said with a smile.

Chris and Sonny high-fived as Adam came back downstairs, the two boxes of ornaments in his arms.

“Thank you,” Will said, as the doorbell rang. 

“I’ll get it!” Chris announced. A minute later he came back into the room with Ari and her husband, Jake.

“Dads!”

“Ari!” “Sweetpea!” Will and Sonny exclaimed at the same time. 

“Merry Christmas, Dads,” Ari said, enveloping them both in a hug. “Merry Christmas, squirt,” she said to Adam, ruffling his hair as she passed behind the couch where he was sitting, reading again.

“Ugh!”

Ari giggled as he fixed his hair. 

“Who else is coming?” Ari asked Sonny as the doorbell announced another group of Hortons.

“Where are my favorite grandchildren?” Lucas called from the foyer. He, Sami, EJ, Johnny, Allie, and Sydney had all come in for Christmas. They were seeing Sami, EJ, Johnny, Sydney and their respective wives (Sydney had come out to the family as bisexual three years ago) at the Brady Pub tomorrow for Christmas. 

“Hi, Grandpa,” Ari said softly, who was the first to reach Lucas. “Merry Christmas, Aunt Allie.” 

“Merry Christmas,” Adam mumbled into Lucas’ hug. Allie laughed under her breath as she received the quickest hug in existence from Adam.

“Merry Christmas, Grandpa, Aunt Allie,” Chris said cheerily.

Jennifer, Jack, Abby, Chad, and the kids were the next to arrive, followed closely by Hope and Ciara.  Eli and Lani came next, toting their baby daughter, Violet, who was named for Eli’s mother who had passed away last year. Maggie and Sarah were the last to arrive just as Will was passing around Sonny’s cookies fresh out of the oven, and eggnog. 

“Before we hang the ornaments, I just want to thank everyone for coming,” Will said. “I know this year has been rough for some of us, but it’s also brought us some joy, I hope. I, um, I know living here, and hosting this party has a long tradition and is a lot to live up to. But I hope that we can do justice to Gran and to Doug and Julie, and Aunt Jennifer, of course.  So Merry Christmas and let’s decorate this tree!”

They all cheered and clinked glasses, and Will started the tree trimming by hanging Tom and Alice’s ornaments right at the top of the tree under the star.

[avidfanficwriter]

Failed Repetition (Chapter 2)

Characters: Chris Evans X OFC!

Summary: For as long as Chris can remember, he’s wanted to get married. He has wanted the white picket fence, beautiful wife on his arm and a house full of kids unlike his counterpart who isn’t thrilled with the prospect of marriage.

Rating: T.

Warnings: Cursing.

Tags:  wolflhards.

Chapter 1. Chapter 2. Chapter 3. Chapter 4.

Three weeks. Twenty-one days. 504 hours spent living separately; a perfectly timed press tour of Reagan's had came up, forcing her to leave just two days after their argument. Which ended on as much of a sour note as it began. The tour came as a sign from God, allowing them both their much needed separation. They didn't kiss, hug or even say goodbye when she left. They seemed to avoid one another both terrified the inevitable truth would come to light. Even with their distanced goodbye, it didn't mask the pain that filled Chris' heart at the sight of her leaving.

"If that's not going to happen...Then maybe we're not going to work." A devastating revelation. Gut wrenching, earth shattering and heartbreaking statement that put their future, their lives and their relationship into perspective.

Six years worth of a relationship was being threatened by thirteen words.

Thirteen words, Chris never should have said. Words that he soon find himself regretting after looking into her green eyes. Pain, heartbreak; agony; distress? He couldn't pick which emotion it was but it killed him. The way she stepped back, tore her eyes from his and her breathing quickened. It was a sight he would never forget. A sight he would never be able to live down.

In reality, three weeks was nothing to sweat over, they'd spent months apart while working but this was the only time both parties neglected to contact one another. There were attempts, Chris would begin dialing her number but find himself unable to put in the last digit. He'd written twenty pages worth of text messages only to erase every word. Reagan found herself in a similar situation, calls that never happened, messages that were never sent. They were stuck.

While Chris' conscious was eating at him, it was the public that was berating Reagan. Each and every interview had at least one mention of Chris, questions full of how they were doing, if he was with her, what he thought of the movie all of which she struggled to answer. 

While there was an insatiable urge to contact one another, there was another bubbling at the surface, a much somber one. They didn't want to talk to each other. It wasn't because of anger or grief but that they both knew, the second they heard each other's voices the same fight would simply resume. Creating new issues and another set of problems that neither of them needed. Their relationship was in tangles and a simple mistake could be the end.

Chris returned home on the sixteenth day to a empty home where memories of their fight played on a never ending loop, every night he rested his head on the pillow. He'd made a mistake, he knew that and he was paying for that. Yet there was truth in his words and maybe the possibility that finally saying those could -- in the long run --be a good thing. Maybe that was what they needed, the truth to finally be said between them. Maybe this was the closure, he needed. 

He missed Reagan, missed her voice even found himself clutching one of her books to his chest trying to remember one of her many rants. He missed her but he was glad she was gone. Time apart meant they had time to think it over so they didn't do anything rash.

Sleep seemed to be difficult to conquer, each night he tossed and turned; frustrated groans pass through his lips and just when he begins to give up, sleep takes him hostage. in the morning, he never woke rested, his eyes felt weighted; his body weak and he longed to curl beneath the covers once again. No matter the hours of sleep, he managed to get, he was always tired.

Chris is facing another ruthless night, sleep isn't coming and his annoyance is growing. He’s to invested in his fight to sleep that he neglects to hear Reagan's arrival. Their obnoxiously loud garage door opening goes unnoticed as does the jingle of her keys being placed on the counter. It's after she lets out a sigh and feels the bed shift does he realize she's home. He's laying on his side, blankets wrapped around his waist as he faces the window unsure of what's going to happen. 

There's multiple scenarios that could play out: They talk and apologize for things that were said. They don't talk but lay in their bed and let the silence play out. They lay in bed and hold one another then he whispers an apology for his foolishness. They talk which turns into an argument and then he's on the couch. Or maybe-- and he knows this is unlikely --she says she'll marry him, that she thought it over and they should wed.

None of them happen.

Reagan doesn't move, doesn't speak; in fact he's positive if he wasn't awake, he wouldn't have realized she was home. She rises to her feet with another sigh, he hears their dresser open, the roll from the closet door and then the bathroom door open and close.

Even when they are together, they've still managed to ignore the others existence. Chris' is at fault as much as she is, not that it's a blame game but they both had ample time to do something. He could've greeted her, hugged her or even said he missed but instead continued to pretend he was asleep. The same can be said for Reagan, she could've done something but chose to get a shower instead.

When she exits the bathroom, the heat from the shower fills the room mixing with the scent of her body wash: grapefruit. A fruit he's never been to fond of but found comfort when the smell lingered on their bed. 

An hour had went by when Chris' blue eyes open, his original intent was to rest his eyes for a moment instead he fell asleep.. Immediately he reaches out behind him for Reagan as he usually does. She was his comfort, a night he woke up to early to start his day, he would pull Reagan close to his chest and fall back asleep. This time when he reaches behind him, he's met with a cold spot.

She’s home, he knows she’s home. He heard her. Why isn’t she in bed?

The blankets are undisturbed, her cell phone isn't on the charger, she's not in the room. He’s not panicking yet, she’s fallen asleep in the living room in the past, maybe she was there. It’s possible, she went to watch television out there to not disturb him but wound up falling asleep. 

He searches the living room, she’s not there. The kitchen is empty. The dining room is empty but her luggage is still sitting behind the couch. She’s home, that much he knows. The last place he checks is the guest room where he finds her curled up beneath the cotton blankets, he lets out a deep sigh and leans against the door jamb. 

He contemplates joining her or convincing her to come back to bed with him. No matter how much he wants to, he can’t do it. They aren’t ready for that. She’s not ready for that thus the reason she opted to sleep in another room. Asking her to come with him or even joining her would be foolish. This wasn’t a fight they could simply ignore or pick up the pieces and move on without discussing. 

They had to discuss this. He needed to apologize. In the end, he returns to bed and falls asleep waiting for morning to arrive. 

The next morning, Chris is awoken by the bright beams of sunlight streaming through the window. He expects to hear noise throughout the house, the t.v. in the living room, music playing or even the smell of coffee but the house feels emptier. He puts on a fresh T-shirt and heads to the kitchen, making a pot of coffee to bring Reagan, she’s either sleeping in or hiding in the guest room. With a mug of steaming coffee in his hands, he goes to the room and nearly drops the mug when she's not here. It's almost an exact replica of last night, the bed is made, the sheets untouched, nothing looks disturbed. Once again he searches the house for her, trying to find her only to come up empty.

He checks the garage, her car is gone. Her luggage behind the couch is gone. Her keys are missing. Then he notices upon checking their room just to be safe, more of her clothes are gone as are a few more of her suitcases.

He returns to the living room, hyperventilating. She didn't have anything else work related coming up there was no reason for her to be gone. Then on the counter, he notices it.

It's cash, a key and note.

"Chris, I've left you $140 dollars for this months phone bill, I'll be canceling my line in the next few weeks. I left the key to the house on the counter and the garage door opener is in the drawer.

Take care, Reagan."

[gayerluke]

today is just the perfect example of the trap i’m living in. woke up with definite plans to 100% for sure finally do a small, simple but important chore i’ve been putting off for months. woke up with the same definite plans yesterday, & the day before that, & the day before that, but TODAY, i told myself, was finally gonna be the day. it HAD to be. but first i had to sleep a little longer. then i was awake, but it was still early in the day. plenty of time. why not watch a movie. started it & fell asleep again. woke up & finished the film. looked up something about the film, which led me to looking up something tangentially related. then something else. then it was 5 hours later. i read about stuff i knew would scare me & then i was scared. i needed to go out & get food. it was dark out & the darkness was full of danger & i could feel it touching my neck. i wanted to jump out of my skin. at least this time i was smart enough to realize early that suffering wasn’t necessary or inevitable & i took some medication. i was still panicking but i grabbed the dog, threw him in the car & went to the drivethru. the car was dark & no matter how many times i checked the back seat i was terrified there was someone there. the whole trip took an agonizing 15 minutes. came home, fed the dog, ate. i had absolutely no memory of taking my morning meds, but the bottles were upside down, & when i take my pills i turn the bottles upside down so i know i’ve taken them, so i must have taken them even though my body is feeling the way it does when i haven’t. it’s possible that i forgot to flip them rightside up when i went to bed last night, but the whole reason i have this system is because i am terrified of overdosing, so i can’t risk being wrong & i have to trust the bottles. i ate my food & started playing a game. set the alarm for 10pm so i could go to bed early enough to not struggle at school in the morning. at 10 i reset it for 10:30. at 10:30 i reset it for 11:30. a person i like was doing a singing stream & i watched it & got really emotional & started hardcore sobbing at my desk for an hour about every way i have failed & everything i won’t get to have in my life. shut down my game & wrote this post at 1:30am. 

all of that & i did not accomplish one fucking thing.

[i-write-shakespeare-not-disney]

Fragile Hearts Ch. 10- When I’m With You

Click the OP  (Original post) if the READ MORE link does not show!

THANK YOU TO @bluejayb1rd FOR COMMISSIONING!!! Two out of four! <3

Click Here for Chapter 1

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Fragile Hearts Playlist here

AO3 Link: Chapter: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11928798/chapters/38455013 Full Story: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11928798

Aside from a couple nightmares in the past few nights, it was relaxing being able to be in Vegas with Matt and Hunk. It felt good not to stress over school for a bit, and it felt good not to be alone.

It also hadn’t been the last time Pidge ended up staying at Hunk’s. Lance took to using the couch when he found the two of them cuddled up on the couch a second night. Sharing his bed also meant he didn’t wake her when he left for work.

After a nightmare, Pidge woke up to an empty bed and the sound of scratching at the bedroom door. Pidge caught her breath and went to open the door only for Leon to immediately hop up on his hind legs and place his paws at her hips like a hug. Pidge pet his head and realized her hand was shaking.

Then, because Leon was the only one with her and he was a dog, she fell to her knees and allowed the tears to stream into his fur as he nuzzled against her, keeping his paws firm on her arms.

It wasn’t the nightmare itself that drove her to tears. It was the fact that she still got them so much, and she feared she might never break free from their grip. It was suffocating to wake up to them all the time. She felt like she might never get her peace from everything she went through. In a way it terrified her more to think that the people she loved still had to deal with it and that it could possibly drive them away.

Leon sniffed and huffed, bumping his wet nose against her cheek. Pidge smiled and ruffled his hair. “You’re a good dog, buddy.” Leon’s tail wagged frantically. “Thanks. I’m okay now.” Leon stayed on her until Pidge nudged him gently so she could stand. Even then, he began to follow her as she went to the kitchen to make herself a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

About an hour after she woke up, Lance came back to the apartment, having finished his last book signing. He plopped down on the couch beside Pidge and laid down to rest his head on her thigh.

“Rough day?” she asked. Leon hopped onto the couch to curl up by Lance’s stomach, resting his head on Lance’s side.

“Not really,” he sighed. “Just… tiring.” Pidge raised an eyebrow and lowered the volume of the TV.

“Care to elaborate?”

Lance huffed and turned to lay on his back, staring at the ceiling. “You know how when you watch a show or read a book, you have favorite characters?” Pidge nodded. “It’s really great to hear about it from the people who read my books. The kids will have little drawings or some people will dress up. And it’s so funny to see people dressing up as me or Hunk or you.” He sighed and met her eyes. “Today, there were a lot of people asking about Kyle.”

Pidge furrowed her eyebrows in confusion before realizing what he meant. “Oh. Keith.” Lance nodded.

“And usually, I’m good with that! Like I said, I made my peace with it, kind of. It’s not like we hate each other, we just had different plans. And I’m usually good about not letting my emotions get in the way when I see the cosplay or the artwork or get the questions. I mean some people manage a really good resemblance sometimes.”

“So what made it harder this time?”

Lance took a breath and sat up to ruffle through his messenger bag. He had a few papers all in their own plastic sleeves. “Ever since you and Hunk found me, I guess a part of me has also been waiting on Keith. I don’t know anything about him at all, and that didn’t bother me until I realized how much I needed you guys. The latest book has a lot of the beginning of our relationship, so of course….” He held out the papers and Pidge took them.

The first one looked like a kid had drawn it, in that cute little anime style Pidge remembered people doing when she was in middle school. It had what Pidge assumed to be Keith- or Kyle- with his arms around Lance. She moved to the next page. This one seemed like an actual page from a graphic novel. A comic of what Pidge assumed was one of the scenes in the book, because she recalled Lance telling her and Hunk about this moment when he was gushing about Keith while they tried to run a diagnostic. The next page had cute mini versions with big heads of Lance and Keith doing cute little things with hearts around the borders. The next page had a beautiful watercolor version of the two of them kissing.

She sighed and looked at him. He was holding out a few more papers. “There’s some of you and Hunk too, if you want them,” he said tiredly.

Pidge rolled her eyes and took the papers, stacking them all on the coffee table. “Lance, come here.” She opened her arms and Lance laid back down as she cradled him. He hid his face in the fabric of her hoodie- which was actually Hunk’s- and Leon took his place by Lance’s feet. “It’s okay to miss him.”

“I know, but it feels fresh again.” His voice came muffled and weak. Pidge hugged him a little tighter. “You really should look at the ones of you and Hunk though, they’re really cute.”

Pidge laughed ruffled his hair. “You’ve got some talented fans.” Lance turned his head, no longer hiding his face as he smiled and nodded.

--

When Hunk came home, he treated them both to dinner at a restaurant, and Matt met up with them when he was off of work.

While Hunk and Lance went on a tangent about their jobs, Matt nudged Pidge’s arm and leaned over.

“You okay?”

She frowned and nodded. “Why?”

“You had a nightmare, didn’t you?”

“How do you know that?”

Matt rolled his eyes. “You’re my little sister. I know you pretty well. You always act skittish after a nightmare, and you look like you haven’t slept.”

“Gee thanks,” she muttered.

“You know that’s not what I meant.” He looked over at Lance and Hunk then lowered his voice. “You know if you need to talk, I’m always here for you, Katie.”

She smiled at him and nodded, squeezing his hand as a thank you.

They stayed at the restaurant long after finishing their food. They talked about everything, from the memories of their time in space, the games they’d play when they got bored, or just recalling how naive they were at such a young age to the various changes and personal stories from the last five years actually on Earth.

Just as Pidge had expected, Matt and Lance were able to bounce their jokes off each other with ease, practically being two sides of the same coin. It led to Pidge laughing almost non-stop until she was crying and hunched over with a stomach ache.

Matt didn’t ask if Pidge was coming home with him seeing as she’d been spending her time with Hunk and Lance, but Pidge did want a day with her brother. So she gave a Hunk a kiss on the cheek and said she’d see him tomorrow then hugged Lance before racing over to catch up with Matt.

Matt smiled, the scar on his face outlining the curve of his cheeks when he did, and threw an arm around her. “Aw, you miss me.”

Pidge laughed and rolled her eyes.

When they got home, Matt went into the kitchen to make himself a coffee. Pidge had been so full, she had no idea how he still had room for it.

“Do you still get nightmares?” she asked as he looked for a mug. “You never tell me about them.”

He looked over at her and shrugged. “Every now and then. Not often. They’ve been sparser as the years go by.”

“When do you think that’ll happen for me?”

Matt poured his coffee and sat down across from her. “I don’t know. I mean, you don’t get them as much when you have classes. I’ve noticed you don’t call me about them much. Then every time you visit, you get them more.”

Pidge grimaced. “What, so you think you’re triggering them?”

Matt shrugged. “I don’t really know, Katie. But I do think you should talk to somebody when you get them. Me or Hunk or Lance or maybe even your roommate. You said you told her about Voltron and everything, right?” She nodded. “I think it would help not to bottle up the nightmares.”

“But it’s all the same. Or about the same stuff. At this point, I’m more panicked about the fact that I can’t stop getting the nightmares than the nightmares themselves.” She frowned and ran her hand through her hair. “Anyway, I don’t want to talk about them. I just want to hang out with you.”

Matt scrunched up his nose. “Hanging out with your big brother? What a nerd.” Pidge grabbed the roll of paper towels on the table and threw it at him.

--

The next morning, Pidge decided to go sightseeing. Lance said he was feeling a little sick, so he didn’t join her, and Matt and Hunk were both working. She didn’t want to stay in the apartment all day, even though she had already seen the Strip multiple times at this point. It was still cool to see the booths with little tricks and the street performances. Since it was spring break, the entire Vegas was still very much alive during the day, not just at night.

Sure enough, as Pidge was walking out of Caesars Palace, she saw a girl being held up by her friends as she walked, obviously wasted. As she walked away, her phone started buzzing with an incoming call. She pulled it out and saw Hunk’s picture on the screen, which immediately made her smile.

“Hello?”

“Hey, honeybee. What are you doing?”

“Just walking around. How’s work?”

“Slow, actually. We’re closing early. I was about to grab lunch, where are you?”

“I’m actually pretty close to the bakery, I can meet you there.”

“Perfect! I’ll see you in a bit.”

They counted to three and hung up. Pidge walked across the street and down a few blocks until she reached the bakery. The closed sign was on, but Hunk was at the register with one of the workers and went over to open the door for her, greeting her with a kiss.

Pidge wasn’t going to lie, the act made her feel little butterflies in her stomach.

“It’s all locked away, Chef,” the girl at the counter said. “Are you locking up?”

“Yeah, go ahead and clock out, Amy.” She nodded, meanwhile Hunk turned to Pidge and raised an eyebrow. “So, what are you in the mood for?”

“Honestly, right now? Cake,” she said. The smell of confectioner’s sugar and frosting was making her mouth water, and all the impossible cakes around her were so colorful, it only made them that much more enticing.

Hunk laughed at her. “Really?” She nodded. “Well, I’ve got an idea. Come on.” He took her hand and led her back to the kitchen. Amy left out the back door with a wave, leaving Pidge and Hunk alone in the bakery.

“Are you making me a cake?” she asked.

Hunk laughed and grabbed an apron that was hung up before going over to her. Pidge raised an eyebrow. He draped the apron over her and gave her a cheeky smile. “No, you’re gonna make one with me.”

“That’s a horrible idea on several levels,” she said, as he turned her around to tie the apron.

“You’ll be fine.” He turned her back around, tucked a strand of her hair back with a gentle hand, and kissed her nose. “Come on.”

Weak-kneed, Pidge did.

He got out all the ingredients, laying them out along the counter, followed by the utensils. Pidge stared at all of it, feeling completely out of her element. She’d seen Hunk bake several times before. She’d watched and taste-tested and handed over ingredients or utensils as he asked for them mid conversation. Hell, she’d even fought the goo machines with him.

But actually partaking in the cooking? She had never done that. Hunk was gourmand, what could she possibly have to offer?

“Honeybun, it’s not that bad. Come on, I’ll be helping you with it.” With a light hand at the small of her back, he nudged her forward and began to take her step by step on how to make a cake from scratch.

As she did it, it started to seem a little easier. She was just measuring out ingredients and adding them to the bowl. Hunk smeared butter and sprinkled flour onto some baking pans, humming something under his breath.

Then he handed Pidge a mixer and told her to beat the wet ingredients before adding them to the dry ones. Pidge wasn’t sure why, but she did it. Her tongue stuck out slightly as she concentrated on mixing the wet ingredients. She poured them into the dry ingredients and turned the mixer on again.

Suddenly, the flour, sugar, and the egg mix all flew out of the bowl, startling Pidge further and making her knock the bowl over onto herself.

All she could hear was Hunk’s unreserved laughter.

“Pidge, you’re not supposed to start the mixer that fast!” he wheezed between breathless laughter, leaning against the counter for support.

“My finger slipped!  Stop laughing at me!”

But Hunk’s full laughter already had him keeling over. It resonated through the kitchen and Pidge didn’t even mind that she was now covered in milk and flour and eggs. Still, she turned and grabbed a fistful of flour, flinging at him, making the crown of his head completely white.

“Wh-what! That’s not fair!” he said, still smiling with remnants of laughter in his eyes. He grabbed a fistful of his own bag of flour and blew it back at her.

“Oh, you jerk!” Pidge yelped, squeezing her eyes shut. She grabbed the bowl of what remained of the mixture. Hunk seemed to know what she was going to do before she did it.

“No, no, no!” he said, immediately backing up to the other side of the kitchen. He felt for the fridge handle behind him and blindly grabbed for something as Pidge neared him slowly. “Pidge, I’ve got a full container of whipped cream, and I’m not afraid to use it!”

Pidge smiled and grabbed a fistful of gunk from the bowl. “I dare you.” She raised an eyebrow.

Suddenly he was dashing across to the other end and she was running after him, throwing fistful after fistful while he flung back handfuls of whipped cream that clung to her clothes. Laughter filled the kitchen the more and more intense their food fight got. Suddenly they were throwing eggs, and Pidge managed to smear butter on Hunk’s face, then Hunk managed to douse Pidge in sporadic splatters of milk.

Soon they were covered in various ingredients, both refusing to back down until they ended up slipping on something they spilled. They collapsed on the floor trying to catch their breaths.

“Oh my God, my kitchen’s a mess,” Hunk said with a laugh, resting his head back on the wall. “How do you screw up a cake to this level?”

“In my defense, you helped in the wreckage.” Pidge scooted closer to him. She wrinkled her nose as she leaned in to kiss him. “You stink.”

“You got egg in my hair,” he pointed out. Pidge laughed and shrugged, running her fingers through her own matted hair. “Come on, the sink should be big enough to wash our hair out a bit.” He stood up and took her hand to help her up.

After managing to uncomfortably wash out their hair, they both put their hair up and wiped down what they could of their arms and faces. Their clothes would sadly remain until they got a change of clothes.

Before Pidge could start helping him clean the kitchen, Hunk told her to wait and took out the polaroid camera she’d gotten him from his office. He took two pictures of the scene before putting the camera and the photos back in his office and getting back.

“Okay, now we can clean.”

--

Pidge planned on never again having a food fight in a big kitchen. It was ridiculously tedious to clean everything down. Even with Hunk’s playfulness as he twirled her around and hummed different songs while they cleaned up together, Pidge ended up feeling exhausted, and still pretty gross from the stickiness of her clothes.

But it was a memory she would cherish forever. Hopefully it would be a memory to overlap one of the many horrible ones that contributed to restless nights.

In the end, Hunk did make her a cake. He took over while she watched and sat on a counter, just like old times. Except this time, he took to passing time by providing Pidge with light kisses and gentle nose bumps and sweet smiles.

When the cakes were done and cooled, Hunk went back into baker mode and began cutting the tops off before layering the cake. Pidge took to eating the pieces he cut off as he blocked her from seeing what he was decorating it with.

She could only see the Hunch of his shoulders, the slow, patient movements as he worked.

Finally he turned and presented her with her cake.

It was decorated in green frosting with a pretty yellow honeysuckle bunch and two small bees. Pidge smiled as she looked at it and covered her mouth. “Hunk, this is so pretty!”

“I would make you a much more intricate one like the ones on display, but you kept eating the scraps so I knew I had to feed you.”

Pidge scoffed and rolled her eyes. “I love it,” she said.

Hunk smiled and cut her a slice. “Try it.” Pidge took the slice and ate a forkful, sighing contentedly. “Good?” Pidge nodded, stuffing her face with more cake. Hunk laughed wiped some of the frosting from her lower lip. “I’m glad you like it, honeybee.”

Pidge set the cake aside and took Hunk’s hands in her own as he leaned in to give her a soft kiss. “I’m really glad I’m here with you,” she whispered. “And I’m so sorry about all that stupid stuff I’d say on the phone about you meeting someone new. Now that I’m here with you, it just feels so stupid-”

“Hey,” he said, cupping her face. “You’re not stupid, Pidge. I get why you said that, and I get why you worry. And the people that think we can’t make this work have no idea what we’ve already been through. I know you like to plan everything out and think of every possible scenario, so I really do get it, Pidge. Just….” He pressed her hand up to his lips. “I need to know you believe me when I tell you I won’t ever do anything to hurt you.”

Pidge smiled and nodded. “I believe you. I love you.” Hunk’s lips parted slightly before curling into a smile.

“You mean that?”

Pidge bit her lip. Saying it made her feel lighter. Everything she felt in response to Hunk, every wild butterfly, every giddy laugh, and every moment of peace…. This was what they all amounted to. To this unfiltered love she hadn’t even realized she’d been nurturing for so long already.

“Yeah,” she breathed.

Hunk smiled and kissed her again before whispering, “Oute alofa ia te oe.”

Pidge furrowed her eyebrows. “You’ve said that before, haven’t you?” Hunk’s smile grew wider. “Wait. No.” He chuckled and kissed the tip of her nose. “I can’t believe you told me you loved me and I didn’t even realize it.”

Hunk touched her cheek lightly, looking at her with soft, big, brown eyes that made her feel like she was the most important person on the planet. And maybe to him she was for that moment.

“Okay, as much as I would like to keep kissing you, we need to get a change of clothes because they’re really starting to smell,” he said, pulling her off the counter. Pidge sniffed her sweater and grimaced. “I’ll put this in a box and we can take it back. We should also probably get some actual food.”

“I’ll call Lance and see if he wants anything. He said he was feeling sick.”

Hunk busied himself with putting the cake up, and Pidge followed him to his car as she dialed Lance.

“Hey, what’s up?” he answered. He sounded… flustered.

“You okay?”

“Yeah.”

Pidge hummed. “How are you feeling?”

“Um. Tired.”

“Well, are you hungry?”

“Yeah, actually I was about to order Thai. You coming over?”

“Yep. Hunk’s with me, he closed up early.” She looked over at Hunk. “Lance is ordering Thai.”

“Tell him he’d better be using his own card this time.”

Pidge laughed and relayed the information to Lance.

“Wa-wha-huh? -idge? You- cutting ou- guess you’re going through a tunnel, bye!”

“We’re not-” He hung up and Pidge stared at the phone. “That was a horrible impression of a broken call.” In the driver’s seat, Hunk groaned and shook his head.

When they got home, the Thai food was already there and Lance was stuffing his face with rice at the table. “You’re paying my next bill, man,” Hunk said as he grabbed an eggroll.

“What the hell happened to you two and why do you smell like a dairy aisle?” Lance responded through a mouthful of food.

“Food fight,” Pidge said. Lance nodded and furrowed his eyebrows as they went into Hunk’s room. Hunk lended her some drawstring shorts and a hoodie. She went into the bathroom to change and once they were both in clothes that didn’t smell, they joined Lance at the table.

“Pidge said you were sick,” Hunk said. He looked at him and put a hand to his forehead. “You don’t feel warm. What’s wrong?”

Lance looked at them, stuffing more food in his mouth. Then he said, “I’m heart sick. I have a broken heart.”

“Are you fucking kidding me?” Pidge answered in exasperation. “What are you talking about?”

“Being heartbroken totally counts as being sick, Katie.” Lance stuck his tongue out at her and Hunk chuckled at his expense.

“Alright, well who broke your heart?”

This time, the light playfulness in Lance’s eyes dimmed a bit and he opened his laptop. “It’s not….” He sighed and took a breath. “I found Keith.”

“What?”

Lance ran a hand through his hair and hugged his food closer. “Not like in real life, and not like… to where I can contact him. I just….” He turned the laptop and Pidge and Hunk leaned forward to see the screen better.

All she saw was a variety of photos from different places, different countries. “Uh?”

Lance rolled his eyes and scrolled, clicking on an album. This one had what looked like a silhouette standing somewhere with a pretty mountain backdrop covered in fog and a soft blue sky. There was a caption on the bottom that said, I see you in every sky. Lance clicked through the album. Each photo had a silhouette which Pidge assumed was Keith against a pretty scene whether it was cobblestone roads, between clotheslines in what looked like some ethereal field, or blending into the silhouettes of trees. Each photo had different captions that seemed too vague to pertain to the photo itself like I wanted to believe, Has time erased the love from your life?, The stars are nothing in comparison to your galaxy.

“How do you know it’s him?” Hunk asked. The silhouette never had any actual features. Short hair, a lithe posture, and various clothes for the weather. It wasn’t like Keith was still wearing his red crop jacket or still sporting a stylized mullet anymore.

Lance scrolled all the way down and clicked the “about” button. It led to a resume style page with a portrait photo of someone who was undeniably Keith. The burn scar was still prominent on his right cheek and Pidge had yet to meet anyone with the same lavender eyes. His hair was much shorter than the last time she’d seen him, but he was still all angles and sharp edges. He was holding one of those fancy cameras, but his expression remained somber. He could’ve been a model, and Pidge found ironic that he preferred to be behind the camera.

“Oh my God,” Hunk breathed.

“Apparently he’s traveled to major cities already and started taking to finding the lesser known villages and small corners of the world to photograph them and make them known. I don’t really know what the captions are for, I can’t tell if it’s a story or not, but… yeah. He’s a fucking photographer somewhere out in the world.”

“How did you find this?”

Lance blushed slightly. “I Googled him. I went through a bunch of Facebook and Instagram profiles with the same name before I found one that talked about a photograph website. I didn’t think it’d be him, and I almost gave up, but I figured what if? And it was him.”

Pidge looked at Hunk and then back at the screen before looking at Lance. “Are you going to try to find him? Contact him?”

Lance shoveled food into his mouth again and huffed. “There’s no contact information on there. It doesn’t even say where he’s at right now. And there’s no actual personal bios, just explanations of the project and the captions on the photos.”

“Yeah, that sounds like Keith,” Hunk said. “Do you want to find a way to contact him?”

Lance stirred his rice and Pidge noticed Leon trot a little closer, curling by his legs. “I don’t know,” he whispered. “I mean… he’s doing what he wants, right? He’s seeing the world. I’m in New York and after all this time, it’s not like we can just…. What if he found someone already? Someone who travels with him and takes his pictures and he takes their pictures and….” Lance shook his head. “We already had our story. And it’s over. If he doesn’t have any contact information, it’s because he doesn’t want to be contacted.” He put the food on the table and groaned, placing his face in his hands. “It’s been so long and all of these feelings are just flooding back. I don’t even know what to do about them. All that love and the hurt and the sadness and the nostalgia it’s all just… back.”

“That’s normal, man,” Hunk said, scooting his chair closer to Lance to put a hand on his shoulder. “You guys were still in love when you broke it off. Most people who break up see it coming or at least there’s a reason that you can’t go back from. You guys ended it because you were both taking different paths. You didn’t stop loving him.”

“What if he did?”

Pidge furrowed her eyebrows, her heart breaking with the amount of pain in Lance’s voice. Hunk brought him into a hug and Leon stood on his hind legs to paw at Lance’s arm. Lance sighed and looked at Leon, petting him gently. “I think I’m gonna take a nap. I was up all night obsessing over that website, and now I’ve eaten most of my feelings, so…. Can I use your bed?” Hunk nodded and Lance shut his laptop before heading off to Hunk’s room.

As soon as the door shut, Pidge looked at Hunk. “Can I see your laptop?”

Hunk frowned, but got up to bring her the laptop. She turned it on and searched the website, happy to see that Hunk already had the same software she’d downloaded on her own computer for occasional hacking. “What are you doing?” he asked, leaning over to look over her shoulder.

“I’m figuring out where Keith’s at.”

“What?”

Pidge used the pictures to trace the locations, finding places she’d never even known existed. Keith had really gone into the most obscure places.

“Honeycomb, he could be anywhere at this point, finding the photo locations won’t- is that a government website?”

“Wouldn’t be the first time,” she answered.

“In a few years, I’m gonna be visiting you in a federal prison, aren’t I?”

“Bold of you to assume I’ll get caught. I’m offended.”

“Well- whoa, what the hell?” Pidge had managed to pull up a file on Keith. “How…?”

“We were paladins. We fought aliens. You think the government isn’t keeping tabs on us?” Hunk grabbed his food and pulled his chair to sit closer to Pidge as she scrolled. “Jesus Christ. He’s been to over 100 countries. And even more cities and towns.”

“Is that his permanent address?”

“It’s what’s listed, but he hasn’t been there in over a year,” she muttered under her breath.

“This is borderline stalking.”

Pidge looked over at him and raised an eyebrow. “Everything we’ve been through, you’re drawing the line at this?”

Hunk laughed and shook his head. “Absolutely not. My girl’s a fucking genius.” Pidge winked and returned to the screen. “What about a phone number?”

“There’s a house phone listed. No cellphone. God, why is he a real life cryptid, what the fuck?”

“Maybe Lance is right. Maybe he doesn’t want to be found. He doesn’t have any family on Earth, there’s no one for him to stay in contact with.”

“We were his family! We spent all that time together, building relationships, fighting a war, and we created our own family. We all wanted to be found, you, me, Lance. Keith does too.” Her fingers flew over the keys almost maniacally. “There. If a former paladin is traveling, you can count on our government following them. He last made it to… Attu island.”

“Holy shit. You actually found him.”

“Why do you sound so surprised?”

“I mean I knew you would, just not that fast.” Pidge shrugged. There was a beat of silence, where they both stared at the name of the island on the screen. “Lance doesn’t even know if he wants to contact him though. I don’t think you should tell him yet. Let him sort out what he’s feeling.”

Pidge took a breath and eventually resigned, nodding her head and exiting the site. But she made a note in her phone of Keith’s website before finally dropping the subject fully.

Hunk wrapped an arm around her. They finished their food in silence, Pidge leaning against Hunk as they both tried to let all the new information sink in.

It was strange to believe that just a few hours ago, she had told Hunk she loved him for the first time. It was a moment she thought would have been big and dramatic, probably said in front of the Bellagio, and honestly, said by Hunk first. Of course, he did say it first, but she didn’t know that.

Now she was reeling with the fact that Lance had managed to find Keith. It was concerning that he was so hung up on finding him that he managed it, but… Pidge was the one hacking government files for information. And now they knew where he was.

Maybe it was the fact that she didn’t have much of her blood family left. All she had was Matt. The prospect of getting her space family back together felt like a necessity. To get them all back in her life, to build that support they should have been for each other from the start.

But Hunk was right. Shiro had gone under the radar with some work for the Garrison, and Keith obviously didn’t want anyone contacting him. She wondered if they missed each other. They’d been practically brothers after all. She wondered if Keith had been living through acquaintances this entire time. Five years bouncing from place to place… it couldn’t have given him time for friends, much less a relationship as Lance feared. She wondered if Shiro was okay, and if she could maybe bring herself to go back to the Garrison, if only to see him again.

Then she began to wonder about Allura and Coran. If they had rebuilt their lives, if they remembered the paladins, if Allura ever thought of them or if Coran still called her Number Five when or if he ever talked about her.

And suddenly she was crying. She hated how often she was starting to do that, and ever since Matt pointed it out, she realized it really did happen more when she wasn’t at school. In a way it made sense because at school she wasn’t surrounded by reminders or talking about the memories. But she also didn’t want it to be a bad thing because she loved being with Hunk and Lance and Matt. She was creating new memories with them.

“Oh, Pidge, come here,” Hunk murmured, pulling her from the chair and taking her to the couch where he could properly cuddle her.

“I miss them so much,” she whispered, wiping her eyes and trying to force herself to stop crying. She’d never cried this much even as a teen in a war. It was ridiculous.

“I know. I miss them too.” Hunk scratched her head soothingly, bringing her in closer. “We’re always going to hold on to pieces from our past. And honestly, knowing Keith? It seems like he’s been running from it. It won’t be long before he has to face it. For all we know, he’s just as strung up on Lance as Lance is on him.”

“How did we all make things so difficult for ourselves? We should have stuck together.”

“We all needed different things, Pidge. We just have to take it step by step.” She nodded and held onto him tighter, letting the rise and fall of his chest soothe her. “Hey.” She looked up at him. “I love you.”

Pidge smiled and bit her lip. “That’s the first time you’ve said it in English,” she whispered. He smiled at her. “I love you too.”

He pressed a kiss to both of her eyelids before kissing her lips. He cupped her face with large hands that cradled her gently, like she was fragile. She loved how safe she felt when he did that. How adored she felt because of it. She loved Hunk.

**

“Got your passport?” Pidge nodded. “Your chargers, laptop, phone?” Pidge nodded. “Do you have snacks for the flight, I know it’s a long plane ride. Here, I got you some chocolate covered pretzels and-”

“Matt, I’ll be okay,” Pidge said with a laugh. “It’s not the first time I leave.”

“I know, but the next time I see you, it’ll be for your graduation. It’s kind of freaking me out.”

“Yeah, well once I graduate, you’ll get sick of me because I’ll be living with you.”

Matt rolled his eyes and pulled her into a hug. She returned it just as tightly. When she pulled away, he was giving her the bag of pretzels which made her laugh. “Tell me when you land, okay?” She nodded. Matt turned to Lance. “You stay in touch with me. Spent a whole war without hardly a word to each other and now-”

“We’re practically giving these two a free comedy improv show,” Lance said with a laugh. “Yeah, I was a little naive as a kid. I’ll stay in touch.” Lance turned to Hunk giving him a hug and a thank you for letting him stay before pulling away.

Pidge walked over to Hunk and smiled as she thought of the last time she’d been in this airport with him. How close she’d been to kissing him, only to chicken out. It was funny to think about now.

“I love you,” Hunk murmured into her hair as he hugged her. “You’re gonna kick ass in your classes, and I’ll see you for your graduation, okay?” She nodded and got on her toes, pulling him into a kiss.

“I love you. I’ll call when I get home, okay?” Hunk nodded and tucked a strand of her hair behind her ear.

“Ready?” Lance asked. She nodded and they walked over to the person checking tickets. Hunk and Matt stayed until they’d gone through the doors.

After getting through all the tedious routines, they boarded the plane. Once take off started, Pidge focused on breathing and staying calm against the rumbling and slight shudder of the plane. She felt Lance take her hand and squeeze it.

Strangely, that helped her relax a little more. Especially since he wasn’t looking at her. He’d just taken her hand and held it tightly, giving her something to tether herself with. Leon also poked his head out from under Lance’s feet, placing his head on her lap. Soon enough, the plane leveled out and the shuddering stopped.

She loosened her grip on Lance’s hand and he let go. “I wonder when the drink cart is gonna come. I’m craving a soda.” Pidge smiled.

--

Lance flight from Massachusetts to New York wasn’t for another four hours, so he took her home and made sure she was stocked up on food to survive before they split a pizza. It was very little time before Lance had to get back to the airport.

Before going through the next goodbye, Pidge knew she had to tell him about Keith. But maybe not all once. Or maybe not everything.

“Hey, so about the website….”

What webs- oh. Yeah, what about it?”

Pidge bit her lip and shrugged. “I’m the girl that hacked into Garrison files and tricked them into thinking I was a boy for a year. I also decoded alien communication and coded upgrades into Altean castle defenses.” Lance stared at her, his eyebrows furrowed. She sighed. “I’m pretty sure I could figure out where Keith’s at so you could try and contact him…. If that’s something you wanted to do.”

“Oh. Oh God.” Lance chuckled awkwardly. “I don’t wanna ask that of-”

“Lance, you’ve helped me a lot too. You’re one of my best friends, practically another brother. I’m good at hacking and tech. So if you want my help, just ask. Think it over, you don’t need to tell me now. I just wanted you to know it was an option.”

Lance smiled and nodded. “Thanks, Pidge. I gotta sort my head out a bit, but… I’ll keep it in mind.” He hugged her tightly and added, “Good luck with the rest of school. Feel free to visit me in New York if you ever have a long weekend, okay? I can drive down, it’s not that bad of a drive.”

She laughed and nodded. “Okay. Let me know when you get home, okay?” He nodded and whistled for Leon so he could put his leash on. Pidge stayed at the door, watching as he got into the Uber and staying until the car disappeared down the street.

[domiandsascha]

Roland Garros diary - Day 3 - Wednesday the 30th of May 2018

This is a long one, bear with me and blame Domi (and my English is still on court with him so please please please forgive all the mistakes, I’ll proofread myself on the morning).

Once again, we arrived there early enough to be at the front of the queue, therefore on the inside thirty seconds after the opening of the gates. Why this desire to go in at 9:30 when matches start only at 11 ? Well, early practices are obviously our main motivation, but also, there's something magical about Roland-Garros in the morning, when there's no one in the alleys except for the ball kids warming up. It looks so pretty and peaceful. And also, players are still free to wander around with no security and that's another plus. Talking about that… We had been in for like maybe five minutes, and the day turned epic already. We were heading towards the Lenglen, when out of the sudden and out of nowhere, Novak appeared, walking down the stairs on the main alley, smiling, unguarded and completely unnoticed. The way I gasped "Jue ! Look up !" was pretty epic too. We rushed, but by the time we got to him, he had already entered an area we couldn't follow him in. It didn't prevent Jue from freaking out and getting very very emotional. Then she became even more emotional when she found out he would be practicing on the Lenglen, which we had tickets for. There wasn't any other practice we wished to attend and Jue had a bit of time to get ready for her upcoming death, so we made our way to Court 18. Okay so, I need to explain before carrying on. We had reserved seats on the Lenglen where the order of play was Svitolina, then Djokovic, then Goffin VS Baby Corentin Moutet, then Frenchie Alizée VS Frenchie Pauline. Pretty good, right ? Right. But. On Court 18, the order of play was Naomi Osaka, then the end of Pierre-Hugues match, then Grigor, then Dominic. I mean, you know me by now. I'm not gonna pretend I hesitated for a single second… Now the thing with Court 18 is that, despite its size, it remains a side court which works on a "first in first served basis", where absolutely EVERYBODY can go to and where the program was highly appealing. Also, it was Wednesday and on Wednesdays, Roland-Garros is full of kids and teenagers who can only access the side courts and it's a bit of a nightmare. So I went there at 10am to secure a spot, ready to go through the day without moving, peeing, smoking, standing, drinking (so I wouldn't need to pee) if needed. But I didn't need to. The great thing was, we had reinforcement : my mum and my step-dad were here for the day. So we grabbed four great seats on 18 (sixth row, a tiny bit on the side, facing the players benches so the umpire chair wouldn't obstruct the view), leaving at least two of us there at all time while the others were going to the Lenglen (or to the toilets in my case). Although, after 4pm it became more and more complicated to make our way back into 18 and after 7pm, it was just impossible so that was good the four of us were back. Before telling you about MY day on 18, let's talk about Jue attending Novak's practice, front row, and getting a picture with him !!!!! She's dead, but she's okay, and I'm so freaking happy for her. Let's talk about Jue metting Pierre-Hugues in an alley and getting a picture with him !!! Let's talk about my mum spotting Lucas in practice (when he wasn't supposed to be practicing here) ! Let's talk about Sascha's freaking stressful match that we followed on the app ! And also Goffin won ! And Karen won ! Now… Hélène's day on Court 18… It started with the practice of Tsitsipas that I spent on my phone, because (probably an unpopular opinion here) I can't stand the guy, sorry not sorry. Then Naomi's match ! She played so well, she was amazing ! And she's so cute ! Next was Pierre-Hugues, resuming his match at one set all, and he played epic tennis in a freaking awesome atmosphere (French people love their Frenchies), it was so cool. Then Grigor's match… Oh my. Grigor. I mean, first of all, GRIGOR. He's one of my ultimate fav and I had already seen him in London last November, but from afar and during a match he had won super easily. So watching him up close, fighting a proper battle against Donaldson (who was playing great tennis, but he's an absolute dick, just so you know) was the best thing. At first… Grigor, were you kidding me ??? Four hours and twenty-two minutes ???? When 50% of me was just waiting for Domi and stressing my life out ??? Then it went to 70% of me, then 90%, then 100%. I couldn't stand it anymore. I was absolutely terrified. Grigor's match was so tight, and the "no tie break in the 5th set" thing got me completely distressed and paranoid, that they would carry on for two more hours. That Domi's match would never start and would be postponed to the next day and moved to Court 1 (where you need a special ticket to go). It was completely irrational, but the sun was going down already and I was starving, dehydrated, sleep deprived and I had spent nine hours on that stupid seat. And freaking Grigor was breaking just to get broken right after. The atmosphere in the crowd was mental, like football stadium mental, and in other circumstances, the end of that match would have been the best thing ever, really. But I was way too scared to enjoy it. Thankfully, Grigor finally won !! But let me tell you : if he had lost after all this, after giving me a nervous breakdown, he would have stopped being one of my favs for a little while. But he won, just in time for Domi to not be taken away from me ! So all good, I still adore him. But, oh Grigor… Domi's match started super quickly after that and the court remained absolutely packed. Now, there's something you need to know about me : watching Domi's matches always turn me into a person you don't really want to meet. Every single point stresses the hell out of me, his inconstancy drives me crazy and things that come out of my mouth aren't always pretty. So I had been worrying a bit at the thought of watching him for real, without the possibility of turning off the stream for 5 minutes or going for a cigarette every two games. But… I believe my anxiety crisis during Grigor's fifth set had just drained me from anything remotely negative and I became a ball of happiness and excitement and OHMYGOD DOMINIC. He was so close, he was perfect. Guys. I can't find the words. And his first set was such a walk in the park (because Tsitsipas wasn't really there yet…). The second set was a joke, Domi went brainless, like he does way too often. In a 3 sets match, I would probably have turned into Dark Hélène a tiny bit. But it was a 5 sets match. And I truly trusted him. And I was just too happy and grateful to have him in front of me. And also, we were having so much fun. You need to understand that, after four hours and a half of Grigor under the burning sun, the crowd was literally cooked. So during the first set, it was dead. Silent and non-reactive. There were only three people screaming their lungs out : Jue, my mum and I (and my tiny Austrian flag haha). And I know, for an absolute fact, that Domi had spotted us from the very beginning (so had his box). I'm not saying he was looking at us at every change over, but he was facing our direction super often. Between the first and the second set, three guys managed to get in and sat behind us. One of them said straight away "Okay, let's make some noise, this crowd is dead !" so we said "Yes please, help us !". They hadn't really picked a player to support, but because we were rooting for Domi, they decided to root for him too and let me assure you that the six of us woke up the entire Court 18 ! And despite Domi playing dreadful tennis during that set, I laughed so hard and enjoyed it so freaking much ! Like there was no place on Earth I would have rather been. Then came the third set. The crowd was finally on fire, both were playing epic tennis and Domi was better. Masterful. Perfection. Everything I had dreamed of. Guys. I love him so much it's unreal. It was obvious they would interrupt the match after this one as it was super late and getting really dark. And I was now so happy about it. I was grateful to Grigor for his never ending battle and to Domi for losing a set. Because a match always resumes on the court it has started on. So it would resume on 18, where I could go. That meant an extra day of Domi. I'm the luckiest person alive. When Domi left the court, the entire crowd was cheering, but he was walking his face down at first. Until he looked up and aside, towards us. The six of us, who had been cheering for him all along. He gave us a smile and a little wave before leaving the court and excuse me while I go cry on my bathroom floor. Well no, actually, I'm gonna go get four hours of sleep and think about my review of day 4. Coming up tomorrow !

[taytay4ever]

Amid So Many Stories About Bad Men In The Media, Taylor Swift Strikes Back With ‘Reputation’

In the run-up to her sixth album, Reputation, Taylor Swift has been discussed first as a global brand, with the media analyzing her every machination and whether it has induced her possible “obsolescence,” and then as a musician. But now that this record is finally in the world, let’s start with Swift’s music for a change.

Reputation is a cold, convoluted, often surly record, heavily weighted with overly complicated prog-R&B arrangements, awkward attempts at rapping, and lyrics that underline every reference to Swift’s casual hook-ups and late-night binge-drinking. At the risk of libeling Swift’s usual stable of expensive pop-auteur collaborators — headlined by Max Martin, Shellback, and Jack Antonoff — some of the songs seem almost pasted together, with verses barging indelicately into pre-choruses as tempos shift in jarring fashion. The elegance of previous Swift blockbusters like 2012’s Red and 2014’s 1989 has gone missing.

And yet, Reputation adds up to a fascinating and often moving, self-portrait. On the biggest possible stage, Swift has fearlessly exposed some of her rawest vulnerabilities. For the first time in years, Swift seems like a rather ordinary human being, with all the unattractive flaws and nagging hang-ups that suggests.

As was the case with Reputation‘s bewildering first single, “Look What You Made Me Do,” the album is initially off-putting, as sour and difficult to like as Swift’s previous pop album, the candy-coated retro-pop showcase 1989, was sweet and catchy. Swift is nothing if not a pop-music prodigy, a seasoned hitmaker at age 27 who already displayed preternatural gifts for crafting heart-rending earworms more than a decade ago, at a time when her peers were struggling to write essays on The Great Gatsby (which Swift pointedly references on Reputation) in high school.

Swift’s franchise is creating the types of songs that people like without even trying to like them. And yet Reputation is decidedly not in that tradition — sure enough, the album’s early singles have not captured the public’s imagination the way those undeniable world-beaters of 1989 did. It seems intuitive that this represents a failure on Swift’s part. But then you dwell on this album’s lyrics, which are laced with violent imagery and obsessed with control and score-settling, and all of a sudden the turbulent, herky-jerky music makes more sense.

Reputation doesn’t fail at being likable, because being likable for once doesn’t seem to be Swift’s agenda. Rather, this album succeeds at expressing a litany of deep, intractable resentments by a world-famous pop star who seems alienated from all but a tight circle of trusted confidantes. “Here’s a toast to my real friends,” she crows on the album’s bitterest track, “This Is Why We Can’t Have Nice Things.” You suspect she’s not addressing more than a few people.

Who is Taylor mad at? Who do you got? No specific names are mentioned in the lyrics to Reputation, so instead there are opaque references to “older guys,” “the world,” “what I can’t have,” and “the liars.” But, above all, what haunts Taylor is the proverbial “they” — in “I Did Something Bad,” they are “burning all the witches, even if you aren’t one.” In “This Is Why We Can’t Have Nice Things,” Swift loves her baby because “he ain’t reading what theycall me lately.”

The songs on Reputation don’t necessarily lend themselves to the sort of “Which boyfriend is this one about?” parlor games that people usually play with Taylor Swift albums. The animus instead here feels intangible and existential, which is why Swift’s belated embrace of hip-hop, while artistically tenuous and bound to be viewed cynically by those who believe Swift is an opportunist, is such a crucial development on Reputation.

It’s easy to laugh at Swift’s stilted flow in “…Ready For It?” or puzzle at the ill-advised “street speak” of the chorus. (“I, I, I see how this is gon’ go.”) But the overt feistiness of rap allows Swift to front-load emotions that she has previously kept concealed behind frothy pop hooks and that iconic “Oh, I can’t believe my good fortune!” award-show face. “I bury hatchets, but I keep maps of where I put ’em,” Swift spits in “End Game,” which shoehorns cameos by Future and Ed Sheeran that would seem preordained by a streaming-service algorithm if Swift were more enthusiastic about streaming. (Reputation is not yet available on any streaming platform.)

Swift has written similarly barbed lyrics in the past, of course, but back then there was usually a trace of playfulness. When she refers to herself as “insane” in “Blank Space,” you can sense the self-deprecation and implied eye roll. But Reputation — aside from that stray cat joke in “Gorgeous” — is mirthless. This time, when Swift buries a hatchet, she draws blood.

Swift has been a magnet for criticism lately — some of it fair, much of it not. The media narrative has turned so rapidly against her that it’s almost hard to remember that, for much of her career, Swift was a darling of the press. As late as 2015, the New York Times was still inclined to refer to her as an “underdog,” and there were no shortage of Swift defenders in the press eager to call out perceived slights, whether it was an indie-music site not reviewing 1989 (even as virtually every other outlet on the planet lavished the album with coverage) or the sexism of Ryan Adams covering the album in its entirety.

But nobody sees Swift as an underdog in 2017. Now, she’s an establishment foil for Cardi B, whose scrappy smash “Bodak Yellow” removed “Look What You Made Me Do” from the top of the pop charts after “just” three weeks this fall. “Look What You Made Me Do” has sunk precipitously ever since, along with the followup single “…Ready For It,” which peaked at No. 4.

Certainly, it’s worth noting that these songs haven’t made the impact that singles like “Blank Space” and “Shake It Off” did. But the whispers that Swift is now finished as a pop star, as Spotify-powered rappers storm the charts seems a tad premature, given that Reputation is projected to move an impressive-in-any-era two million units in its first week.

Did anyone really expect Swift to keep on churning out 1989-sized pop bangers in perpetuity? Who faulted Beyoncé when Lemonade — which like Reputation is clearly conceived as an album rather than a playlist of singles — also didn’t produce any lasting chart hits? (The highest charting single from Lemonade, “Formation,” peaked at No. 10. At least Taylor spent the better part of a month at No. 1.)

Here’s a criticism I agree with: Swift should condemn the alt-right cult that reveres her as some sort of blonde Aryan goddess. Her apparent stubbornness on this issue is strange, considering that sending out a press release against Nazis is literally the easiest thing in the world to do. (I suspect she doesn’t deem it necessary to declare her anti-Nazi bonafides, as opposed to being reluctant to anger conservatives, a frequent charge from critics. But letting the controversy linger nonetheless is nonsensical.) However, the larger argument that Swift’s stock as a pop star has slipped because she’s maintained a largely apolitical public persona doesn’t wash.

Swift, like virtually every artist, is a narcissist. And, by and large, that’s why people like her, because when Swift sings about herself, she does it in a way that makes millions of people believe she’s actually singing about them. That is the job of a pop star. This weird insistence that a musician who has previously shown no inclination to be a political commentator must suddenly register her yay-or-nay take on Donald Trump, Black Lives Matter, or Hillary vs. Bernie says more about our displaced reverence for pop stars than it does about Swift’s supposed moral obligations.

Isn’t it possible that Taylor Swift genuinely has nothing to say on these matters? And isn’t that okay? If given the choice between performative wokeness and authentic non-engagement, I’ll take the latter, please. Besides, as we’ve seen demonstrated time and again lately, the personal is political, particularly when it comes to one of Swift’s primary subjects: The power struggles between men and women.

Reputation arrives in the midst of an ongoing moral apocalypse in the entertainment industry, in which sexual harassment and assault have been properly re-contextualized in the popular consciousness as expressions of dominance and humiliation, typically by straight white men over women. Swift herself has been victimized by this power imbalance, by a Colorado radio DJ who groped her during a station visit in 2013, when Swift was 23. (Swift won a civil suit against the DJ this summer.)

It might be hard to conceive of Swift, one of the world’s most famous women, as somehow subordinate to a faceless radio jock. But consider how country radio has suppressed women, or how chart success (which is still enabled greatly by radio airplay) has come to dominate, dubiously, how we determine relevance or even artistic merit in popular music. If the fallout from the Harvey Weinstein scandal has taught us anything, it’s that even famous women can be abused by much less famous but nonetheless well-connected men behind the scenes.

But with Reputation, I sense that Swift is finished with that. In her new songs, Swift always has the upper hand. If anyone is going to get broken, it’s the guy in the equation, who’s typically an older (and therefore patriarchal) figure. (“I’ve been breaking hearts for a long time / And toyin’ with them older guys / just playthings for me to use,” she seethes in the dirge-like “Don’t Blame Me.”) If she does decide to settle down, it’s up to the other person to accept her shortcomings, not the other way around. (“Even in my worst times, you could see the best of me,” she sings on “Dress.”) Either way, she gets to be the dominant one, the person who always gets what she wants, including the last word.

After listening to Reputation, I think I understand why Swift’s been seemingly indifferent about her recent bad PR choices, including her threat, via a lawyer, to sue a blogger who criticized her silence on the white supremacist issue. And I get why she’s retreated from the media to the comfort of her massive cult on Tumblr, an audience inclined to perceive her venting and femme-fatale posturing as cathartic, rather than merely petulant.

If Reputation had a nutgraf, it would be, “Why should I have to explain myself?” To Swift, going through the paces of tending to her “perfect” public image seemingly provokes the most resentment of all, since it only seems to make people expect even more from her. Haven’t they already taken enough?

Uproxx

[jae-bummer]

My Idol: Part Thirty

My Idol From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

My Idol is a South Korean competitive reality dating game show. It currently airs on Wednesday nights on Jae-bummer’s blog. First broadcast in 2016, the show offers the opportunity for a lucky fan to go on seven blind dates with seven idols. The idol plans the date with the show throwing in specific missions to complete during the day. At the end of the initial dates, the show opens up an audience vote to decide what three idols will move on to the second date.

Part 1 - Part 2 - Part 3 - Part 4 - Part 5 - Part 6 - Part 7 - Part 8 - Part 9 - Part 10 - Part 11 - Part 12 - Part 13 - Part 14 - Part 15 - Part 16 - Part 17 - Part 18 - Part 19 - Part 20 - Part 21 - Part 22 - Part 23 - Part 24 - Part 25 - Part 26 - Part 27 - Part 28 - Part 29 - Part 30 - Part 31

Day 1: 

“Honey...

HOney.

HONEY.”

Your eyes slowly came to terms with the light streaming into the room around you as Jooheon bounced happily atop of the mattress you were sleeping on. 

“What time is it?” you croaked, running a tired hand across your face. You knew you looked less than desirable as Jooheon smiled down on you. 

“Eight,” he nodded, giving a bounce as he spoke the numeral. “Time to wake up.”

“On what planet?” you groaned. “This is vacation, isn’t it? That means we sleep in.”

“Not when you have an action packed day full of fun!” he smiled, tilting his head back and forth as if he were a puppy. 

“Ugh, why do you have to be like this?” you gasped, flopping over and burying your face deep into a pillow. 

“It’s one of my many charms,” he chuckled, rubbing your back now that it was available to him. “C’mon honey, get up.” 

“Jooheon,” you sighed, leaning around to peak at him from behind your blankets. “Why do you call me honey? I call you Heoney and that’s pretty similar, don’t you think?”

“Simple,” he nodded. “It’s because I’m a Heoney bee. Heoney bees love honey.” 

Jooheon smiled to himself for a moment at his clever pun before his face went entirely blank. He began to laugh nervously before words began to spew from his mouth. “Not like I love you or anything yet. That takes a lot of work. Love that is. The big “L” word. Lovey love love...uh-”

“Jooheon,” you hummed, cutting him off. “I know you didn’t mean it like that.”

“Really?” he asked, his eyes wide. “Promise?”

“Promise,” you sighed. “Even if I am pretty lovable.”

“Yeah, yeah,” he laughed. “You’d be more lovable if you got up.”

“So...like...if we end up pursuing a relationship, does that mean I always get woken up this early?” you muttered. “Because if the answer is yes, it could weigh heavily on my decision going forward.”

“Aigoo,” Jooheon chuckled. “Would you just get up already?”

“So...you are telling me...” you croaked, looking up at the building before you. “That you woke me up...to get an early start at the-”

“JEJU ISLAND’S TEDDY BEAR MUSEUM!” Jooheon grinned, flinging his hands in the air before you. You heard a snort behind you, signifying that Armpit or Sweaty found the situation to be fairly amusing. This caused you to groan and stomp your foot as if you were a small child. 

“Lee Jooheon, what could possibly be so entertaining that could not wait another hour or two?” you gasped. 

“Well, for starters,” he hummed, pulling a small brochure from his back pocket. You furrowed your brows, unsure of how he possibly got ahold of the flyer in the first place. “You can find out everything you ever wanted to know about teddy bears. I don’t know about you, but I’ve always wondered-”

You lifted your brows as you watched Jooheon speak, not necessarily listening to his words, but watching his facial expressions and his mannerisms. He was generally a pretty emotive and physically expressive person, but in this moment, he was on his highest setting. He looked so completely enamored and engaged by the idea of learning about the history of teddy bears, that you couldn’t help but be thrilled as well. 

Jooheon was funny in that way. In so many situations, you were easy to shy away or become disinterested, but you knew if he were to show any sort of interest, it would be near infectious. If Jooheon was excited, you would inevitably become excited as well. 

But you would come to learn that you could immediately regret his excitement. 

You had never seen so many stuffed bears in the entirety of your life. There were bears posed as famous pieces of art, bears posed as celebrities, and bears posed as historical figures. There were bears set in historical scenes, modern spaces, and even once set in a jurassic situation. You saw bears in dresses, bears in coveralls, and bears in suits. Some bears stood life size while others were taller than you. 

Needless to say, by the time you arrived at the gift shop, you were teddy beared out. 

“Which one?” Jooheon asked softly, eying up a small and squishy bear located on a shelf at eye level. “You can have any one you want.” 

“Please,” you hummed, pushing your face into his shoulder. “No more.”

“When we’re driving away and you’re upset because you didn’t get a teddy bear from the Jeju Teddy Bear Museum, I don’t want to hear it,” Jooheon clucked, kissing the top of your head softly. You chuckled to yourself and leaned back, giving a soft slap to his shoulder. 

“Fine, pick one for me,” you muttered. 

“I pick him,” he nodded, grabbing at a particularly chubby bear. “He looks like he needs to be appreciated.”

“Mmm, you think?” you asked, tilting your head and taking the bear carefully into your hands. “You think he would be interested in becoming a contestant on My Idol?”

“I don’t know,” Jooheon chuckled, lifting his brows. “Would I have to surrender my spot in the finale to him?”

“That could be a possibility,” you grinned, elbowing your date. “What a plot twist that would be.”

“I can’t take any more plot twists to be honest,” he sighed. “I’m sick of showing up for a voting special and everything is on fire.”

After Jooheon had paid for your small and furry friend, you found yourselves both looking for some sort of sustenance. It didn’t take long for you to locate a cafe on your phone and have the My Idol SUV transport you to your desired location. 

The two of you settled into a table at Cafe Two Weeks, a quaint, little restaurant you could easily spend a few weeks in exploring on your own. You were amazed by the hidden gems Jeju had to offer and how easy it was to stumble upon something simply beautiful that you wouldn’t have known about otherwise. 

There were two floors of the cafe, with the second floor providing an exceptional view of the ocean. The seating you chose however, was placed in a secluded outdoor garden. It seemed to be the perfect place to get away from the bustling beaches and museums and simply relax for a few hours. 

“Heoney,” you called, looking over your menu at the handsome man. You recalled the question you had posed only a few days ago to Jay and thought about posing it to Jooheon as well. “I have a question.”

“And I have an answer,” he smiled with a wink. “I can’t always confirm you’ll like my answers though.”

“I’m at peace with that,” you nodded. “As long as the answers are honest.”

“No promises,” he chuckled, looking down at his menu. You watched as his eyes scanned carefully over the words printed on the page. “What’s up?”

“Why My Idol?” you asked simply. 

“I don’t know,” he hummed. “I thought it was honestly kind of a stupid name for a show to be honest, but what does my opinion-”

“No, Jooheon,” you sighed. “Why did you sign up for My Idol?”

“Ah,” he said with a small nod. His eyes lifted up from his menu and he placed the paper on the table before him. “I had a feeling you were going to ask that.” 

“Then you must have prepared a reaaaally good answer,” you grinned. 

“I was going to try to freestyle this one actually,” he smiled. “Why did I join My Idol? Well...the production crew approached Starship and wondered if any of us were interested. Somehow we’ve gotten the title of being broadcast friendly idols, so we were approached pretty early on...Originally Shownu hyung had volunteered as he was the oldest, followed by Wonho hyung, but our manager pushed for me to take the spot. At the time, a relationship was honestly the last thing I wanted. The goal was to get in and get out with only one thing on my mind...winning.”

“Oh,” you gasped, a bit taken back by his words. You knew Jooheon would be nothing but honest with you, but you had assumed most of the men had joined the show for the notoriety and spotlight on their respective groups. 

“The guys insisted we weren’t much good at winning things,” Jooheon chuckled, his cheeks immediately turning more and more red with a blush. “So I had to win. When I got here...well...I wasn’t quite expecting you.” 

You nodded with a small smile. Jay had held a similar sentiment. 

“I think it took me a few days after our date to realize...you weren’t just here to get famous from a reality television series. You weren’t here just to be able to brag about dating an idol. You actually wanted to get to know us and that was really important to me. Not many people want to get past the surface...and actually stay.” 

“You’re human after all,” you said softly. “Or at least that was the mantra I repeated to myself whenever I would have an initial date. Idols are regular people, just with a brighter spotlight.” 

“That’s a way to put it,” he nodded. “And you definitely haven’t shied away.”

“And I don’t plan to,” you grinned. “So...you joined My Idol because you wanted to win?”

“Well that and I knew there would be free food,” Jooheon laughed. “Speaking of, what are you ordering?” 

“Aigoo,” you grumbled. “Really?”

“This is important,” Jooheon nodded with wide eyes. “Will the cappuccino or americano make it to the season finale?” 

“You’re the worst,” you muttered under your breath. “And obviously the cappuccino, are you crazy?”

Jooheon smiled, his eyes disappearing in his cheeks. “Then I’ll pretend I’m the cappuccino then...even if the americano is better.” 

Day 2: 

You blinked heavily, your body slowly coming to terms with the idea of being awake. Stretching your arms out before you, you flopped over to the opposite side of the mattress and giggled to yourself. Jooheon was still solidly asleep in his bed, but both arms hung from the edge of the mattress and toward you. His mouth was slightly ajar, his light snores carrying through the suite. The noise wasn’t anything to keep you awake, but was just comforting enough to let you know he was there. His nose twitched, much like a bunny, as he groaned lightly between snores. He must have still been immersed in a dream. 

You nodded to yourself, confirming your consciousness. Your legs began the agonizing journey of uncovering themselves from deep within your covers and out into the open world. Your feet hit the hardwood with a light smack, causing a shiver to launch through your spine. The suite was definitely chilly this morning, but you were certain Jooheon had cranked down the temperate while you slept. You recalled from your first date how warm he had gotten, so you couldn’t blame him. 

Exhaling, you lifted yourself from the mattress and began to shuffle to the bathroom. After a beautifully warm shower, you threw on some clothes, and most importantly, your fuzzy robe. You slid open the back door of your room, careful not to stir the still snoozing Jooheon as you began to walk barefoot toward the sound of waves. 

It didn’t take you long to target the noise you had heard as soon as your My Idol SUV had pulled up to the hotel. Jeju was an island after all, so it seemed like it would be easy to find a beach in most situations. You wandered out onto the soft sand, barren of any tourists as it was just past sunrise and too early to begin sunbathing. You wrapped your arms around your waist and took a deep breath. 

You were feeling so many things in this moment, you weren’t quite sure where to even begin your thought processes. The past few months had been the most exciting of your life. It felt like every moment you had had up until the point when My Idol had begun had been so soft and quiet compared to this. These moments and memories, they screamed in your mind. They begged for attention and stood in glaring 4D color as you thought back on every moment. You had gone over date after date with such granularity that sometimes you were unsure of how your path had ended here, but you were here. 

That is what mattered. 

So many times during your journey it seemed like you could have simply given up. You would have avoided so much hurt, so many tears, and so much heartbreak if you would have simply told producers you couldn’t carry on. 

Especially after your date with Top when you had ended up in the hospital. 

Top...

That was a memory you weren’t prepared to think about. Especially not here. 

You thought back to the first results special. You dived back into the emotions that had been coursing through you as you spoke Jay’s name to the studio full of My Idol fans. You remembered Jooheon’s face as he realized the fans had voted him through for the first time. How could you deserve either man? They were both too perfect. 

You thought making a decision would be easier than this. You had never been swept up in such a tidal wave in the entirety of your life. You had never thought you’d be involved in a love triangle, and yet here you were, stuck between two rappers who sat on different ends of the spectrum. 

Jay was rough around the edges, but extremely soft at his core. You quickly learned that most of his facade was just that, a flimsy covering to remain unexposed to the world. He attempted to act hard and use coarse words when before the cameras, but when it was only the two of you, he dissolved into a wonderful partner. He was funny, supportive, and deeply attached. He cared about your well being and had been the only man to actually go as far as to break the rules to make you fall in love with him...

love...

were you in love with him? 

The word made your stomach churn. 

And then there was Jooheon. You had never thought of him as being rough around the edges, but he did have a definite exterior, just as Jay did. Jooheon was very put together and extremely talented. He shone in everything he did and you felt as if your light was never dull while he was around. He added energy to a room and made you feel wanted. He had played by every rule My Idol had thrown at him and kept a smile on his face the entire time. You had begun your journey by simply identifying as his fan...

and now he had mentioned introducing you to his mother as his girlfriend? 

You had been called worse things, that was for sure. 

“I was worried,” a raspy voice cooed as a pair of sweater paw-ed hands wrapped around your own huddled body. You smiled to yourself as you identified the sleepy tone to belong to Jooheon who nuzzled his face into your neck. “I didn’t know where you went.”

“I needed some fresh air,” you sighed. “Life is hard.”

“Well...yes,” Jooheon chuckled. “But why in this particular circumstance?” 

You took a deep breath in and let it out slowly. “I’m not going to subject you to the inner workings of my head.”

“Yes, you will,” he grinned. “That’s what being in a relationship is about, Y/N. I know we aren’t technically official, but if we want to prep for the future-”

“That’s half the problem, Heoney,” you grumbled, cutting him off. “The future.”

“Explain,” he sighed. He unwrapped his arms from around you and plopped into the sand. He patted the ground beside him before drawing his knees up and resting his arms on them. 

You grumbled as you landed onto the sand beside him and stared into the waves crashing before you. “I don’t know what to do.”

“I was worried about that,” Jooheon sighed. “I was kind of hoping that it was such an obvious answer...that you wouldn’t have any second thoughts about it.” 

“I wish,” you muttered. “You are both just...terribly good guys. You’ve done so well and treated me so right.” 

“But not well enough,” he muttered, gazing out into the waves again. “Not well enough to make you forget about Jay Park.”

“It’s kind of difficult when I’m actively dating both of you,” you laughed bitterly. “I don’t want to make this a competition...”

“It is a competition,” Jooheon whispered. “It has been from the beginning. That’s the whole point. What idol can catch your interest and your heart...isn’t it?”

“It’s more than a competition,” you grumbled, furrowing your brows. You looked up to Jooheon and tilted your head. This was one of the first times he had ever used such a stern tone with you and it sent up an alarm of discomfort in your head. “It’s my reality, Jooheon.”

“Which is why I’ve taken it so seriously,” he nodded. “Some people play by the rules in life, Y/N and they get rewarded for it. Jay hyung has done nothing but break rules and he’s been getting rewarded this whole time. I hate the way this works.”

“You don’t think you’ve been rewarded?” you questioned. 

“I’ve seen the message boards,” he sighed. “I’ve been on Tumblr, and Twitter, and the fancafe...So many people talk about how Jay has unexpectedly caught their interest...how I don’t even stand a chance. I’m so worried they’re right...that in your head you’re thinking the same thing.”

You closed your eyes tightly, only reopening them again once tiny stars had begun to fill your vision. “Jooheon...”

“I know me complaining isn’t attractive,” he grumbled. “And people are used to seeing me be this happy virus, but these are the things that worry me. These are the thoughts that make me think “should I have done these things instead?” I’m always wondering if I’m enough.”

You were near tears as you placed your hand on Jooheon’s shoulder and gave a light squeeze. “But you are enough.” 

“It’s hard being an idol,” he clucked, near tears himself. “You are always wondering if people want to date you or be your friend because they think you’re so successful. You have your family, but they’re far away. You have your managers, but they’re busy making schedules. You have your members...but at the end of the day...after a show or an interview...it’s just you alone in that hotel room. Or that dorm room. Or that bus. You and your thoughts, your dreams, your emotions...Y/N...

I just...

I don’t want to be alone anymore...”

[mandimormon-blog]

Life is Messy

It’s time to put the broken pieces together, and actually complete this journal entry.  It’s Wednesday, November 1.  I have wet-looking, large eyes, (okay, not as large at the Snapchat filter) but I feel like that’s how I see myself when I visualize myself these days, using that big-eyed, big-mouthed filter, with a voice changer.  

My youngest daughter and son are playing “school” together in our ultra-clean living room, ehhh, ultra-clean-ish, since they got home, I guess I do see a few candy wrappers on the floor, from yesterday evening or maybe breakfast this morning.  I knocked on Remi’s door, and could hear her chewing in her room, apparently partaking of candy for breakfast.  Let me end this blog on a positive note though and talk about yesterday, later.  

Those wet-eyes I’m referring to are from the many tears and all of the sobbing I just finished up with, on the way home from my daughter’s Ballet Class.  I thought I was doing better.  I was feeling pretty good, but clearly, my feelings caught up to me.  The busyness and distractions can’t distract forever.   Why was I crying?  

Well while in Danville, Jude ran back to the dance studio, from Joann Fabrics, and I walked, I wasn’t going to run across the mall, keeping him in eyeshot.  Opened the door, plopped ourselves down on two small, wooden children’s chairs to wait the 1-2 minutes left of class.  We time it quite perfectly, because a six year-old (wild) boy + waiting doesn’t really mesh.  Honestly, I’m surprised he will even spend time in Joann Fabrics with me.   

I heard through the door of one of the rooms a familiar song but  I couldn’t place it.  Don’t you just hate that?  When you know a song but you can’t figure out what song it is?  This happens all of the time!   Oh, music, you’ve had such an impression on me, all of my life.  

So, Remi emerges from the room, after the other girls, with a huge smile on her face, and a little pep in her step, because she loves ballet.  She loves it.   As she and Jude talk and she giggles with another little ballerina and we make our way out to the car, and I return any messages before driving (unlike on the way over to Danville, when I didn’t even realize how far I’d gotten until I crossed the border, but we don’t need to talk about that - #distracted).  After I checked and double-checked their seatbelts, and we were rollin’ out; I asked Remi about her dance class.  Then out of curiousity, I asked if if that music I’d heard was coming from her studio or the other studio.  She said, it was her room, and she could sing it for me:  “It’s just a symphony…” in the most beautiful, little, eight year-old voice, and I started singing along with her, and then I added, “Glorious!”  

Confused, she asked me how I know the words and that song.  As I searched for it on my iPhone and we began listening to the very version she was dancing to, per her confirmation, by One Voice Children’s Choir.  She then added, “Mom! Your eyes are wet.  Are you crying?”

Sure enough, it didn’t stop.  It was probably the ugly-face look, tear-streaming, uncontrollably from both eyes at one time, that rarely happens.  I wasn’t bellowing but it wasn’t just a tear or two.   I smiled through it and tried to stop myself, but I couldn’t.  My own emotions, questions, thoughts, grief and series of recent experiences seemed to just hit me all at once. Remi interrupted my thoughts and my failed attempt to sing along,  “Mom, stop crying.  Are you going to cry like this when I dance?”   

“I probably will, Remi, I’m sorry.  This song is beautiful.  I’m so excited to see you dance to this.”

Journal Entry: 10/29

The longest week of our life is coming to a finale.

Let me begin with last week was Fall Break, an extra-longer-than-normal Fall Break.  My husband and I were pretty busy working and doing those crazy mundane tasks of daily living, plus community service.  Being totally distracted from our family and we weren’t going anywhere, so, we decided that Friday, the 20th, to take the kiddos shopping in Champaign and enjoy a “fun day” out and about.  Upon arrival at the mall, we rode the cool little animals around the mall for 15 minutes and shopped a little bit, and ate a delicious late-lunch at Red Robin.  

Gosh, even to type what last Friday looked like seriously causes my heart to hurt.  I had to get up and take a walk around my kitchen, get on my iPhone, and return to regroup.  

When we returned home last Friday, I received my passport in the mail.  This was a big, big deal.  I was stoked out of my mind for it, that I created the Snapchat “Passport” Saga, which has now caught on and is a thing.  When I say thing, I use that term loosely, because it’s only a “thing” to a few sixth grade girls.   I used the amazing jumbo-mouth filter I spoke about during my last blog, you know, with the voice changer.  That passport is going places.  Even Reis’s friends have snagged it up and used it for their own stories, “with Amanda’s Passport.”  I will share.

It’s all fun and games with you’re using Snapchat, you and your dozen twelve year-old friends, until someone pulls up to your house for your daughter and you’re alone, selfie-snapchatting yourself about to take a run “with your passport”.  

In this moment, I nonchalantly, dropped my iPhone arm to my side, as if nothing were happening here, and hopped up, and tossed my passport into the upper kitchen cabinet.  Then, answered my door.  The irony of answering that door was a very ‘deja vu’ experience I’d had about three and a half years ago, in a way.  A mother of a good friend of my daughter’s and her son came in and said they’d tried to call her and needed to speak with Reis about Jesse, her boyfriend, but wanted to filter it through me first.  

After they expressed he’d been accidentally shot, I felt the fear and chills down my spine, an instant, intense nausea, and when they asked if they could speak with her personally, I asked them to filter it through my husband first because my mind was absolutely blown.  He was still out back on the swing, Jude was in the boat, and  I couldn’t help but sob and I asked him to come and listen to what they had to say.  Then we brought the girls together, Reis and her best friend, Karma.  Since we really didn’t know what would happen, we were hoping for recovery, even possible loss of an eye, and praying for a return to normal activity.  This kid was extremely active, with a very promising future.  The kids were even planning on going to visit him early next week.  

Of course, they were nervous, crying on and off, and wanted to know how long he’d be hospitalized.  With my education in Nursing and the unknown specifics, I think my intuition was saying, “Be positive, but prepare for the worst-case scenario”.  I told the girls he was in the best possible care and I didn’t know any specifics as to what would happen.  Relatively soon after this, it felt almost instantaneously, and after hearing a myriad of rumors and stories, we received nightmare news, that he didn���t make it.  We called all of the parents together, first, before putting this onto the kids.  After they all made it there, we sat the five children down in our living room, surrounded by their parents.   

Breaking this awful news to the children, opened floodgates of tears and hugging and screaming and yelling, and every emotion all at once.  It was misunderstood.  It was tragedy.  Grief.  Hysteria.  These children are eleven and twelve.  These kids that were here ran around together constantly with this boy.  They spent time at school together, time after school until dark together, weekends together, Facetiming, Snapchatting, Instagramming, Selfie-sending, the whole sha-bang of social media communications, usually by showing their faces or whatever kind of mischief they were into, one to another.  They visited the Java on a regular basis, wreaking havoc, updating their “stories”, getting kicked out of CVS, going to the Dollar Store, Casey’s, and the park.  The community saw these kiddos everywhere.  The girls would watch Football games on Saturdays and Soccer Games, just so Reis could see this boy.  

Grief is an overwelming force that demands to be felt.  If you remember, I took a Faith Community Nursing class earlier this year, when things were as slow as they were going to be and the Grief Module was a toughy.  In order to help anyone else with this kind of experience we needed to know how we personally felt about grief and loss, and then recollect our earliest experience with death or any significant losses.  

Grief is a bomb dropped.  Yesterday there was a house, with walls, a roof, and the smells of life steaming up the windows.  Today, only rubble of a disaster.  Shards of broken confidence and the dust of dreams litter a cracked foundation.  (Stephanie Erickson, Author of Companion Through the Darkness)   I’ve also heard of the wave-analogy.  They keep coming but eventually, instead of all at once barely breathing in between, they lessen and sometimes occur unexpectedly.  In the moment, eventually and time can’t even be considered.  It’s now.  It’s in the moment.  

The morning after, I came downstairs and wrote this:

Journal Entry 10/21

I’ve been up for hours and it’s 6 AM.  I woke up startled, holding my own breath, and then reality sunk in.  Reality that seemed like a nightmare.  It’s the kind of heartache you can feel in your bones.  My eyes welled up with tears, and I made my way downstairs to check on more than a half a dozen eleven- and twelve-year old girls.  Laying everywhere, on the floors and in the beds, sleeping, soundly -- their youthful faces puffy from the hundreds of tears they’d cried over the past hours. I put my sleeve up to my face to muffle my own audible sobbing.  I just, so badly, wanted to pick my daughter up off the the floor, and hold her, and cry with her.  I wanted to take that inevitable pain away, she would feel as soon as her eyes opened and reality hit her like a ton of bricks.  That pain that’s staying for awhile and will never truly heal completely.

That numb, paralyzing feeling I had, has now shifted into another stage of grief cycle.  Grieving is so very dimensional and demands to be felt and I know, according to the textbook, that’s okay and eventually things would get easier and happier moments would come, but when you’re in it - it’s the perfect storm.  It needs to be expressed.  It takes me back, three and a half years ago, when I was wondering how my daughter, Reis, eight years old, would take the devastation learning her father had died, by choice, unexpectedly.  

Later at age 10, I witnessed the grief shift for her with the loss of a beloved pet, Amidee, which was a part of the family, this seemed to be incredibly traumatic but I later found out it was because of unresolved grief previously, and now, at age 12, her boyfriend - not to mention one of her very best friends (for several years) - and “first big crush” was gone, too, completely unexpectedly, tragically.  Three very different, yet horrific experiences shared in our home, in the very same place with her, in our living room, surely digging up deeper wounds or really catalyzing the grieving process.  

I felt her pain deeply, for my first ‘love’ had been her daddy, around her very same age.  It feels so real when you’re in it and I was crazy about that boy, as I know, and anyone who knows these kids knows, Reis is about Jesse.

The grief for this eleven year-old boy, who stood just two days before, in our kitchen, with his big, beautiful, brown eyes, his unmatched wit, and his vibrant personality -- was hitting hard, in a way that cannot be described in words.  This boy who’d been a wonderful friend to my daughter for years, and been a positive, encouraging role in her life, during this beginning transition into middle school, had been taken from this life, before the story was finished.  Such permanence.  

On the brink of complete and utter devastation, and all that encompasses that, here I am, replaying those “what if” and “why” questions, not fathoming the pain his mother is going through (thinking of my own sweet son) or this boy’s father, or his dear brother, and sister and all of their family, grieving their great loss and grieving for each other.  My thoughts traced over everyone who called this little boy a “son” because he was truly a best friend to several boys and a few moms saw him very often, anyone who loved this guy - these thoughts, on repeat, through my mind, and searching for words of comfort, before putting on my own armor for the day, to be present, a shoulder for my sweet baby girl to cry on, a game face for dozens of friends and families.  This group of friends, so close and always together, have just had their lives altered forever.  This boy was one-of-a-kind, irreplaceable, and he’s left an impression on all of hearts and minds, leaving us changed, forever.

On Sunday, Jesse and Kolton came inside, and waited on the girls to put on sweatshirts and go out into the drizzly elements.  I didn’t feel great that day, but I did snap a picture of the girls leaving and the boys were on the steps, barely visible.  That day was the same day the kids had been stalking Jesse’s photos on social media, and snapchatting him photos of them, with the line from the song, Mad World.  “All around me are familiar faces..”  This is probably normal thing for little girls in middle school, in 2017.  Then they all left but came back  through later when we were working on the flag for the boat, my husband constructed in 90 minutes.

On Wednesday of that week, he’d been inside the house, because the girls said it was “too cold” to be outside, at 55 degrees.  Reis had slumped her shoulders down and was dragging her feet around the kitchen declaring her hunger, it was 12:01 p.m..  As I leaned against the bar, on my phone, without looking up, I selfishly said, “Get yourself some food, there’s plenty here, find something.”

Reis then sent my husband a message asking him to get them food and there was a whole orchestra of messages between the three of us.  Reis expressed she hadn’t been feeling well and the only real meal she’d had, the evening before, was a salad from the Beef House.  (Real first world problems, here.)   It was true, she missed school that Monday, because she had been under the weather, but I insisted she go Tuesday if she wanted to see her friends on Tuesday evening or throughout Fall Break.   

Since she wasn’t against gluten-free nuggets and fries from the freezer bin, I whipped out the jumbo package of ground beef and made cheeseburgers, g/f mac-n-cheese, green beans, and potato wedges.  

The squad: Reis, Karma, Kennady, Ella, all sat around the dining room table, and Jesse stood next to Reis, saying he was good, each time I offered, stating he had a large breakfast.  The girls pigged out, per the norm, and my husband came in and sat in the empty seat at the dining room table, asking everyone to listen up.  This was about to get good.  My husband and I are huge fans of ‘Resilience’, and he had a way about conveying a good message to these youngsters.    

In a calm, very rational manner, he asked the girls what the word, “Entitlement” meant.  Jesse cut into the conversation, “I’m not very smart, you’re gonna have to tell me.”  Allen, gently corrected him, “You’re smart.  It’s okay if you don’t know, I want to explain it.”  

He then read from the definition (which later I was told by Reis that the girls thought Allen didn’t know the definition and that was why he was reading it), and discussed what it was to have ‘privileges’.  

*Crickets*,yet, again, but by this point, Reis sprang up and cleared her plate and began working on the dishes.  Our eyes met twice and she gave me ‘the look’ of utter humiliation and embarrassment.  

Jesse, always outspoken, commented how he really didn’t have privileges, the girls agreed they didn’t either, but Allen, again, gently corrected them all by explaining the cell phone was a privilege, not a right, as was the time the kids were able to hang out together, the sports and activities, they most likely don’t fund themselves, and the list goes on.  

All-in-all the conversation was for Reis’s benefit, and I’m positive she’ll never forget it.  I know I won’t.   I whispered to her, her friends know her dad and her friends are not upset or offended, they are just fine and dandy.  Clearly, they were laughing and conversing with him even after the “talk” was over.  After he left, and I was drying the dishes, I witnessed Reis snapchatting Jesse from across the room while Ella, Kennady, and Karma lounged on the floor and couch, and Jude, too, Jude occasionally showing Jesse his game because he honestly has always thought when Jesse, Josh, or Kolton come over, it’s to play with him.  

Later, I said something about my passport, and Jesse asked me where I was going, and I said, “To Mexico!” in an over-exaggerated voice, Reis didn’t miss a beat, because she said, “Your home country”, back to him.  I then raised an eyebrow at them both, and he said, “Yeah, did you know I’m from Mexico?”

“Jesse, I know your who your parents are, you’re not from Mexico.”  He then told me, “Yeah, I know.  But they say I am because I’m tan.”  

Later, I went into Reis’s room, and tiptoed over the bags and clothing that had been “straightened up”, when motion caught my eye outside of her bedroom window.  I peered outside to see Jesse, wearing a Sombrero along with his buddies, too, with Kolton, the Copas Boys, Davy, possibly a Kindell boy, too, and my son, in the custom  “Despacito” a boat, my husband had constructed.  The girls were standing all around, too, and I said, “Allen, come here and look at this sight.  Grab my phone.  I need to take a photo.”  I didn’t get my phone and never took a photo but it’s imprinted in my mind, forever.   

The boat evolved from a fishing pole.  My son begged me to make a fishing pole with him, so I did.  We both used sticks and tied a small ribbon to the end.  Funny thing is, we fished up some leaves because the ends of the ribbons were fuzzy enough to pick them up.  We pretended we were fishing from our dock (aka picnic table) and the tailgate of my husband’s truck, and Jude would do the commentary of our excursion.  I feels like a lifetime ago, since this happened, since so very much has happened, seriously.  

Life has a way about teaching you about priorities.  Doesn’t it?

The candlelight vigil was something I’d never experienced and a spiritual feeling I’d never felt before, ever.  It was beautiful.  A moment I remember while shuffling around trying to make sure everything was good to go, was watching my daughter walk, briskly toward the restroom.  I could see her wiping her eyes more than once on her way there, so I followed her.  When I walked up to the doorway, I witnessed her sobbing, embraced by a group of her friends, all crying together.  It was beautiful and painful all at once.  She saw me and gave me the nod (aka the head shake) that I wasn’t needed here, so I turned around and walked away.  

I can’t express how much it hurts or how helpless a mother feels when she can’t take the pain away.  She can’t make it better.  She can’t fix this.  I’m learning.  A good friend visited me during lunch, while I was in the office, yesterday.  He had heard something that made him think of Reis and of me.  

He told me about the Metamorphosis of a Butterfly.  As we all know, the butterfly doesn’t begin as a butterfly, but rather a caterpillar.  Then before the big change, it forms a chrysalis and eventually emerges, completely changed as a butterfly.  

A scientist was observing this process, and he noticed the butterfly he was observing was having trouble emerging.  So, he simply clipped the top of the sac and almost immediately and simply, the butterfly was able to get out.  Yet, even though this seemed to make it easier, the butterfly’s wings did not expand and it never took flight.  

Why?  Because the butterfly needed that experience, to breakthrough the sac without aide, in order to pump fluid from it’s abdomen through the veins in the wings, which causes the wings to expand to their full size.  It’s something the butterfly must go through to fly.  

Initially, this story hurt my heart.  I think it’s pretty normal for us, as parents, to want our children to live very uneventful, normal lives, with little suffering, grief, and anxiety.  We don’t want our child bullied.  We don’t want them to feel lonely or depressed.  Naturally, we don’t want them to hurt or to feel pain.  We want to take their pain away, “fix it”. We’d gladly take on their suffering if we could. 

Even friends feel this way.  I can’t even tell you how many kids, said to me, they wished they could take Jesse’s place, so their friends wouldn’t be hurting so much, because he was such a great person, and so Reis would be okay. 

These comments aren’t alarming because they were each saying this only out of love. 

They love Jesse, they are going to keep loving Jesse, and they love each other, yet this wasn’t their path or plan.  I assured each of them they are meant to be here, right now, for each other, and although we can’t put the ‘why things like this happen’, into words, one day we will look back on this and see what kind of growth came from this experience, how this changed our life, how we could help other people and how we were better friends.  Jesse’s charisma and goodness can be emulated in each of our lives, every day.  As hard and as cliche as it may sound, he can live on, through us.  

Yet with removing trivial pursuits, as my husband says, “You’ll find a new obsession or addiction.” That obsession is Snapchat.  

I created a “story” on Halloween Eve (Is that a thing?  Maybe I should say on October 30) the Five Step Approach to TP’ing Homes.  In fact, I sent it to all of my snappy buddies, then I had to create a collaboration of those five things for “My Story”.  It was about as epic as The Passport Saga: Oh The Places Amanda’s Passport Will Go, I mentioned.  

As mentioned, the median age of my Snapchat Friends is probably 12, and I’ve recently come to the conclusion that a Twelve Year-Old Girl is most likely my Spirit Animal.   Clearly, because that’s what I went as for Halloween.  That or “Mama Vandallama” my criminal alias.  

So, I washed my hair extensions, finally.  They’d survived Tyreischella with Boho Braids, and feathers still affixed, and Haunted Trailz, on Saturday, when I gave it my best acting skills plus the girls clipped my extensions into Whylee’s hair after the Trailz.  Those extensions needed recovery.

Ok, and to be real honest, we tried doing what the Trailz Coordinator wanted, during Haunted Trailz.  My husband was supposed to appear to be dragging me across the trail and apparently, my acting skills are rusty and maybe we shouldn’t even refer whatever I did as acting or a skill.  So, I played “dead”, trail goers would shine the flashlight on my “pretend dead” acting, which allowed my husband to come up from behind, in a creepy mask, and startle them pretty, darn good.  This lasted for only a couple of hours, because by that point we had a dozen sixth graders asking to go home to the warmth, and they weren’t going unattended.  

Anyway, shampooed extensions, lying out to dry.  A friend of mine stopped in with some money from the event over the weekend, and she mentioned another perfect addition to the ‘Four-become-Five Step How to TP Approach’, and I added that in.  I let her in on what was going down because at that point I had a pair of black panty hose on my head like a do-rag which may have seemed a little more legit since my “weave” was out on the counter.

On Halloween morning, I clipped in my extensions, to prepare my disguise for the evening.  After returning home from work that day, I opened my daughter’s room to half a dozen girls dressed in all black, as instructed.  I then put on some war paint, and was ready.  I found it pure comedy as more kids showed up to our home, they openly were being dropped off by their parents and carrying 4-6 rolls of toilet paper in their arms.  I guess there were no objections or clearly those kids had a stellar alibi-to-come.  I’m gonna go with the no objections option.

There were 8, then 9, then 11, then 16 kids in our group.  It felt a lot like the meme “I feel young until I hang out with twelve year-olds, then I remember I’m definitely 31.”  They didn’t really have a plan, and when they thought they had a plan, they actually knocked on their teacher’s door.  They were chased off a majority of the time, which is comical, and by the time we stopped in for some free hot dogs at the Old Gym, they were ready to have an “escape vehicle”.  Sadly, my husband’s truck was containing some doors and junk that wouldn’t support 12 kids, too, so we took the “Hot Mess Express” (my Mountaineer).  The juvenile delinquents put the seats down (both rows), so it was flat, and they insisted on maneuvering safely in and out of the vehicle by keeping the tailgate lifted the entire time.  Remi came, too, so she said on my console, and I always had a co-pilot.  We tried a few teacher’s houses and relative’s homes, but inevitably each and every time, the kids would come in a dead sprint back, and without time for a roll-call, I’d yell, “Are we all in?”  “YES! GO GO GO!” and I’d almost have to close my eyes and speed off.  Nice thing about keeping that tailgate lifted, even while driving down Liberty Street or Third Street was my license plate wasn’t showing.  So, unless one of the dozen kids in the back were ID’d, jail was looking like more of an idea rather than a destination for me, that evening.  “Accompanying 16 Minors” would have been epic, but I’m glad we safely and reasonably toilet papered and Ding Dong Ditched.

The spin off the DDD was we purchased actual individually wrapped Ding Dongs, and left those at most of the homes, true Ding-Dong Ditchin’.  

This morning, when I woke up I felt like I needed about 24 more hours of sleep.  I wasn’t sore from running around but the few short sprints I did partake of, I wasn’t prepared for, whatsoever.  I may run 4-6 miles most weekdays, but those are leisurely.  Laughing, talking, texting, and running, no sprinting, no loss of air or breath, just leisure -- and if you refer to it as jogging, I take offense.  

There are times when You might feel aimless And can't see the places Where you belong But you will find that There is a purpose It's been there within you All along And when you're near it You can almost hear it It's like a symphony Just keep listening And pretty soon you'll start To figure out your part Everyone plays a piece And there are melodies In each one of us Oohhh it's glorious And you will know how To let it ring out As you discover Who you are Others around you Will start to wake up To the sounds that are In their hearts It's so amazing What we're all creating It's like a symphony Just keep listening And pretty soon you'll start To figure out your part Everyone plays a piece And there are melodies In each one of us Oohhh it's glorious And as you feel The notes build Higher You will see It's like a symphony Just keep listening And pretty soon you'll start To figure out your part Everyone plays a piece And there are melodies In each one of us Oohhh it's glorious

[acrossthemar]

Europe 2019

5 countries, 6 cities, 18 days, 3 planes, 2 trains, and 1 rental car later, our European adventure is over.  This blog is mostly for my personal documentation of our trip, but I hope that it might also serve as a somewhat enjoyable read for anyone who might be interested in our travel! 

First Stop: Lake Como, Italy 

Day 1: An overnight flight from NYC to Milan, followed by an almost two hour car drive to Lake Como, we were quite tired when we arrived at our inn around 4pm. But our first mission was to beat the jet lag––absolutely no going to bed before 9pm despite our exhaustion. Our inn, Villa La Rosa B&B, was absolutely lovely, a beautiful family run property overlooking Lake Como and the surrounding mountains. We walked into the village, a short walk down a cobblestone alley, and quickly familiarized ourselves with the area. We then came back to our inn to sit by the pool for a bottle of champagne and a meat and cheese platter. (This would soon become a theme of the trip––18 days later and I think our ending ratio was 1 meat and cheese platter per every 2 days). We came back inside around 7 and both accidentally fell asleep––we woke up again at 8 and forced ourselves to head to the village for gelato. It was still light out and we were firm about our 9pm bed time. Eating gelato while half asleep was an experience I’m not sure I’d recommend.

Day 2: We started the day with a three mile run through the village. I love how this kills two birds with one stone, fitting in a workout on vacation and seeing areas you otherwise wouldn’t get to on foot. More thoughts on exercise and vacation below (a). After our run we spent the morning by the pool to read and have breakfast...and then very soon after have lunch at an Italian sandwich shop. When in Italy right? We hopped on a ferry to the nearby town of Veranna––spent the afternoon walking around, exploring, and kayaking. Came back to the inn and played cards over a bottle of champagne. Dinner that night was at La Punta, a lovely restaurant on the water. Favorite dish was the Salmon Pasta! (Cheese & meat plate #2 was also ordered.)

Day 3: This day was hard for me, I was absolutely exhausted. The jet lag plan didn’t work, and I was up more than half the night. Really jealous of those who can sleep on planes and aren’t affected by jet lag. Anyway, we took it easy that day. Spent some time reading by the pool and then we found an amazing pizza spot (Antico Pozzo) in town for a very late lunch. Such. good. pizza. (below). We were so full that dinner ended up being a combination of a beer tasting, cheese and meat plate (#3), and gelato.

Day 4: We then spent the morning reading by the pool and got another meat and cheese platter (#4) before we headed back to Milan to catch our flight to Munich. Quick note about the drive from Lake Como to Milan Airport––the streets were SO narrow and clearly built for only one car but they were all two way streets! Very scary! (see below)

Overall: LOVED Lake Como. Quaint city, stunning views in all directions, Italian food, cobblestone streets, the list goes on. It was far less touristy and crowded than we predicted, and the beauty felt natural. I think in my head I was picturing a similar feel to Santorini, which don’t get me wrong I loved, but Santorini is SO touristy and so manicured that it almost doesn’t feel real. I would DEFINITELY come back here.

Second Stop: Munich, Germany

Day 1: We successfully navigated public transit from the Airport to our hotel despite there being 1) no one to ask for help 2) no information desk 3) not speaking a word of German. Our hotel (Hotel Excelsior) was in a perfect central location. More on this below (b). We had a DELICIOUS dinner our first night in Munich at Munchner Stubn. Highlights included sausage, meatloaf, pretzel, potato salad, and absolutely massive beers. My gosh I felt so full after. Quick note about the sausage––the dish came with two sausages, one was really tasty and the other truly tasted exactly like a Yankee Stadium hot dog. I left that one on my plate.

Day 2: Still very jet lagged. For the first week or so of the trip I wasn’t falling asleep until at least 2 and couldn’t wake up until 10 (very different from my normal 11pm-7am). We found a local gym in Munich––unfortunately we paid 20 euros each for the gym and right after we paid a kind man came up to us and let us know about a gym with a free trial right down the street. I had a VERY weird experience in the sauna at this 20 euro gym. After my work out, I hopped in the sauna to sit and attempt some planks. A *completely* naked middle aged German lady started SCREAMING at me (I know I tend to exaggerate a lot but really this time I am not exaggerating, she was screaming) saying that I was not allowed to be in the sauna unless I was naked. What???? Big language barrier here, but she knew enough English to convey that I had to be nude if I wanted to stay. Anyway, she proceeded to tell me that if I had a towel it would be okay so I went to the front desk and asked for a towel, came back to the sauna to sit on the towel and she then yelled at me again and escorted me out. Never got my planks in that day. Anyway, post work out we had a great lunch at Hofbrauhaus Beer Hall. Delicious Spatzle and a cheese and meat platter (#5). I also found a beer that I LOVED called a Radler that I really wish was more prevalent in the states. I’ve really converted into a beer drinking person this summer, and finding a beer that tastes mostly like lemonade and not at all like beer was instrumental in moving this along. This beer hall felt very touristy but there seemed to be a ton of locals there so we couldn’t quite figure out how touristy it actually was. There was live music (on a Monday at 2pm) and a woman carrying a pretzel box selling pretzels. Yankee Stadium or Beer Hall in Germany am I right? We then did a ton of exploring by foot––Victual’s Farmers Market, the Jewish Quarter, the Munich Residenz, and finally rented Lime Scooters to head to the English Garden. Loved the English Garden! Super beautiful and serene. There was a really heavy current in the stream and people were surfing!  I’ve said this 8 million times before but scooters really change the transit game and I wish that NYC was more scooter-compatible. We then walked to Marienplatz Square and went up the tower for city views. After this we were exhausted and went home to read. I finally finished Educated! We then went to an Italian restaurant for dinner which we found *ironic*.

Day 3: We took the kind stranger’s advice and found the gym with the free trial. Although I forgot the conversion of Kilometers to Miles so I accidentally ran a VERY slow 3 miles on a treadmill. I remember thinking “wow, this feels so easy I have so much energy today!” Nope Mara you were really just running at 6 MPH pace and so it actually was easy. We found a funky lunch spot called Marais which doubled as an antique store, and then took public transit to Dachau Concentration Camp. Public transit in Munich is so weird! First, no one checks your ticket––it’s total honor code. Apparently they occasionally check tickets and if you’re caught without one it’s a big fine, but 9 times out of 10 no one is checking. We did buy a day pass and I kinda wish we instead beat the system and didn’t pay haha! The second wild thing is that trains SPLIT in half and go in different directions, so you have to pay super close attention to which car you get on. So an 8 car train will go together for the first 5 stops, and then at stop 6 it will physically split in half and the first 4 cars go one direction and the other 4 go another! I feel like I never have a good sense of which car I’m on in a train so this sounds stressful. And while I’m naming funny Munich transit things––this one might be the most bizarre. Absolutely NO ONE in Munich crosses the street until it says ‘walk’, even when there are literally no cars coming in any direction. We were the ONLY people to cross the street, even after carefully checking that it was clear in all directions. They don’t even think to LOOK to see if it’s safe, they just sit there and passively wait. Am I really that much of a rushed and brainwashed New Yorker or is this totally bizarre? I really think it’s the latter! Moving on, Dachau Concentration Camp was really powerful and definitely worth the trip. I liked how it offered both a museum and preserved + reproduced areas of the concentration camp. We thought it was powerful how Dachau managed to simultaneously portray the Holocaust as part of our. history while still providing emotional, personal, and humanizing stories.  After this, we headed back for a final round of German beer and then dinner in Marienplatz Square. On our last morning it down-poured, see below (c), so we fit in a quick work out at the free gym and headed to the train station.

Overall: Munich was a series of oversized beers, lots of walking and exploring, and really good but filling food. We liked Munich a lot, but we both actually rated is as our least favorite stop on the trip if we had to rank. It’s a very modern city, which at least to me makes it feel less exciting, and almost as if I could be anywhere?

Third Stop: Prague, Czech Republic

Day 1: We took a 6 hour train from Munich to Prague and had an entire cabin to ourselves! The train split in half mid way through the ride, so we were grateful to have been in the right car! It was a long trip, but overall painless. We were able to walk directly from the train station to our hotel. Quick shout out to train travel, isn’t it awesome? You don’t have to show up early, you don’t have to check luggage, train stations tend to be more centrally located than airports so it’s an easy trek to your final destination (Hotel Innside Prague in this case), and you don’t have to worry that you’ll die in a plane crash! Shout out to all my anxious flyers. Anyone? Anyway, we started the night at Lokal Beer Hall for beer (shocker) and Bread and Potato Dumplings with Goulash sauce. This is a local food that truly looks like poop but tasted so good! We then went to Kolkovna restaurant for more traditional Czech cuisine––Smazeny Syr (fried cheese balls, yum) and more goulash sauce and meat.

Day 2: Our hotel had a gym which I’m going to rename as a “fitness room” as it consisted of one treadmill and one semi working elliptical. But hey it got the job done. I’m sad to say that neither Munich nor Prague had nice river paths to run on (this was a major perk of our Portugal trip a few years ago, both Porto and Lisbon have beautiful running paths on the water). This hotel had a very nice buffet breakfast (see footnote on breakfast struggles below) so we made sure to get there in time. Read: one minute before it closed. We started the day with a walk to Old Town and a trip to the top of the Astronomical Clock Tower for city views. We were the only people in our group to opt for the stairs/ramp to the top…everyone else took the elevator. Isn’t half the fun of getting to the top the hard work you put in making the trek? Or maybe I really do like stairs more than I give myself credit for! Next stop was the Prague Sex Machines Museum, which was unexpectedly really interesting? Think rooms full of preserved ancient sex toys and machines. We then walked to the Jewish Quarter, saw a few Synagogues and got Trdelnik (bread with cinnamon). We then walked to the Vltava River all the way up to the Zofin Gardens where we rented a paddle boat. Sounds fun right? What was even MORE fun was when we found a “drive through” bar where we got beers for the “road.” This was a fun activity and we got a great feel for both sides of the river. After that we went to Wenceslas Square and stopped at the Vytopna Railway Restaurant: think train tracks at every table and the train delivers your drink! I feel like if we opened up one of these in NYC it would be a hit. Anyone want to be my business partner on this? Next stop was IcePub Prague (an ice bar, where everything even the glasses and chairs are made fully of ice). It was FRIGID. We were only allotted 20 minutes and I lasted just 15 of them. Last stop was dinner at Noi Thai Restaurant across the river. We walked along the Charles Bridge to get there which was really lovely and is one of the most beautiful bridges in Europe! We hit 29,500 steps this day according to my FitBit and then I *cried* when it hit midnight and I realized we were so close to 30k but just. not. quite.

Day 3: Morning started in the same way––buffet breakfast in the hotel. This has been the summer of only dairy/carbs so I really had to capitalize on the fresh fruit at the buffet. Today was also LAUNDRY DAY. Yes, the less glamorous parts of an 18 day trip, especially when you like to work out so have a bag of sweaty gym clothes to lug around.  The laundry was so damn expensive, it cost us $70 to do a day of drop off. Even in NYC this would be like $20 so I’m confused because Prague is otherwise SO CHEAP. Like so cheap-–two beers, an appetizer, and two entrees and we’d walk away with a $30 bill. Uh can I keep my job at Schoology and work remotely from Prague and pocket all the extra cash? Yes please! After dropping off our laundry we went to the John Lennon Wall––we liked this but it felt more like “here’s this thing in Prague you have to see to check off your list.” We then walked to Petrin Hill which ended up being a VERY STEEP HIKE that we did not expect but ended up going through with. I was very sweaty.  We finally got to the top and went up a very high tower for extraordinary views. The wind was shaking the top of the tower and I definitely spent a few minutes worrying for my life. I think I’ve become more risk averse with age and I’m not sure how to process the shift. The bathrooms at the top of Petrin Hill were 2 euros each so I decided to hold in my pee because #principles. see footnote (d). We then went to the Church of St. Nicholas which was really beautiful, and then the Castle District. We mostly just walked around here, decided not to pay the steep price to go inside. Next stop was Letna Park for the Letna Beer Garden. This was our first 30,000 step day (wahoo) so we very much needed the beer and Smazeny Syr (cheese balls). Dinner that night was at Cafe Mistral––Eric loved his burger if you’d like a recommendation. We then stumbled upon a jazz concert in the old town square, stayed for a bit and then headed back to the hotel to play Cribbage!

Overall: We loved Prague! Prague is a city that I wished I’d visited back in the day when I studied abroad, so I was super excited to check it out. It has the old European feel, and there’s a ton to do AND yummy food.

Fourth Stop: Vienna, Austria 

Day 1: We took an easy four hour train to Vienna and checked into our hotel (Hotel Capricorno) by 5pm. There was champagne and a fruit platter (grapes!) waiting in our hotel room! We started with a walk to the Hundertwasser House and accompanying street––basically funky artwork and paintings on a pedestrian only street. The building is an actual apartment building and it was the first in Vienna to allow residents to decorate the outside of their windows. And THEN!!!! I found my NAME on a souvenir license plate at a souvenir shop. Why am I so excited, you might ask? This is a huge deal. I have spent almost three decades stopping at every single name-souvenir shop to check if they had Mara. They have NEVER HAD MARA. My name does not exist in any of the name banks. Anywhere! But it existed HERE!! I only bought one and I’m now regretting that choice and wishing I bought a few more to go around! After my excitement died down and I could breathe again, we walked to Prater Park and went up the massive Ferris wheel for city views. We then found some apple strudel (a staple in Vienna) for some pre dinner dessert, and then walked almost two miles to Said the Butcher to the Cow––a great restaurant that specializes in burgers and gin!

Day 2: Today I found the only spin studio (Super Cycle) in Vienna and I went to a class! This was really cool. First of all, I love spin and was having some withdrawal, and it was so cool to see a spin class in another country! It was rhythm based, similar to a studio I frequent in NYC (Ryde). And interestingly enough, even though almost everyone there was Austrian, the class was in English? We then went to tour the Vienna Opera House which we loved! A fun fact from our tour is that the emperor who initially commissioned the opera house actually hated it so he’d sit in the intermission room during shows instead of watching. A lot of the opera house was destroyed in WWII (which is true of a lot of Vienna), so a lot has been rebuilt. We then rented Lime Scooters to head to the Vienna Zoo which is situated in Schonbrunn Park by the castle. Favorite animal by far: elephants! They are just mesmerizing, I think we could have just stared at them for a full hour. We also watched a cheetah chase his/her lunch which was cool because I don’t think I’d ever before seen a cheetah run in real life. After the zoo, we took a steep walk to the castle and then Uber’d home. This is day #3 in a row of 30k steps so my legs were GIVING OUT. At night we went to a Mozart and Strauss Concert at the Kurlason Theatre. We had no idea what to expect but it was phenomenal––a mix of orchestra, dancing, and opera. It was really impressive, a lovely venue, and just overall fun because this is not something we’d normally do back at home. After the opera we just really wanted pizza so we found a pizza shop and chowed down. We then came home and played (maybe 6) games of Rummy. Our hotel had a set and we really took advantage. I beat Eric in all 6 games and thought I was the better player but STAY TUNED for later evidence that we are in fact evenly matched 😞

Day 3: FINALLY, a running path by the river! Very nice path by the Vienna River, we ran 4 miles and I was thrilled. There was a ton of cool wall art and murals surrounding the path. We then walked to NaschMarkt (massive permanent market with way too many lunch options to choose from!). We then went outside of Vienna proper to the Vienna Woods for some hiking! Eric found the hike online and I was pessimistic because sometimes it’s really hard (even in the states) to successfully find the start of a hike and I didn’t want to get lost. But this ended up being a major success. It was roughly a 5 mile hike, and instead of hiking to the top for a great view, the entire hike was filled with small outlooks and scenic areas. Every half mile or so we stumbled upon something beautiful and stopped to take in the scenery. Enter: 30k step day number four!!! We then took the scariest Uber ride home of my entire life, this driver was out of his damn mind, swerving like a maniac. I wrote a complaint to Uber and they refunded the entire trip which was good of them but really this man needs to be off the road. For dinner that night we went to Frattelli’s Italian Restaurant followed by gelato…and then played more Rummy.  On our last morning it rained (duh, see point (c) below), and Eric tried to check out the Spanish Horse Riding School but the line was too long so we couldn’t get in. We then picked up our rental car for the last two legs of our trip and my gosh it was so expensive. The fee for returning a car in another country is EXORBITANT.

Overall: We liked Vienna a lot. We made amazing food choices on this entire trip and truly didn’t have a single meal that we didn’t like. We really enjoyed our activities in Vienna, they felt unique and really added to the overall variance of our trip.

Fifth Stop: Ljubljana, Slovenia

Day 1: Before I get to Ljubljana, quick note about how we got pulled over at the Austrian-Slovenian border by border control! We were randomly chosen, we didn’t actually do anything wrong, but two border control officers started running and waving their hands for us to pull over. They made us open our trunk and checked our luggage, scanned our rental car agreement and took our passports to some back room. I was relieved when they said we were free to go. Anyway, separate from that minor hiccup, Ljubljana is absolutely amazing. Truth be told, I don’t even think I’d heard of Ljubljana before starting to plan this trip. A few people told us it was a hidden gem in Europe and if possible we should really include it in our itinerary, and they were really right! I LOVED this place. Just everything about it, the culture, the aesthetics, the food, the ADORABLE pedestrian only village. It felt magical. On our first night, we rented bikes from our hotel (Adora Hotel) and biked to Tivoli Park. We then walked into the village and bar hopped for the night. The village is so cute, there are lots of adorable bridges and every restaurant has outdoor seating by the water. At our first stop we got two beers for a total of 4 euros (yay for inexpensive European beer), then we went to Dvorni Bar for a beautiful looking Meat and Cheese Platter (#6) and then to Slovenska Hisa for cocktails served in Smucker’s Jam Jars and ANOTHER meat and cheese platter (#7). My cocktail had vodka and apple juice in it––this might not mean much to you but if you knew how much I loved apple juice it would! My mother gave me apple juice every morning as a kid and it’s her biggest parenting regret because her now adult-aged daughter is still borderline addicted to apple juice.

Day 2: We started the day with a four mile run around the Ljubljana River. Very nice path but very crowded so by the end of our run there was some weaving through people required. We then drove to Smarna Gora (the highest hill in Ljubljana) for a hike. We followed some sketchy Google Maps directions to the bottom of the mountain but it ALL WORKED OUT and it was beautiful! Very steep, passed a lot of cows, and made it to the top very sweaty. The top was really gorgeous––we got some ice cream truck quality ice cream and sat on a bench to cool down. The hike back down was so steep that I almost had to run to give into gravity. We then drove to Bled Lake. We parked in a grocery store parking lot and stopped to buy some snacks (grapes and beer, lol). Aren’t foreign grocery stores fun? We walked about half the perimeter of the lake (it was a range of paths, docks, and swim areas), and then picked a spot to drink our beers and read. At night we went back into Ljubljana’s Village and bought a love lock for the bridge. Right after I put the lock on the bridge (pictured below) I stood up too quickly and absolutely SMASHED my head on the bridge overhang. Hey if you don’t know me I’m a struggling hypochondriac and I DID think I was going to die in a similar fashion to Natasha Richardson (who had no symptoms at first just like me) and I also made Eric wake me up in the middle of the night to make sure I was still alive. (I was). After I decided I was well enough to move again, we had a DELICIOUS dinner at Pop’s Place. I don’t even like burgers and it was the best burger I’ve ever had.

Day 3: Eric and I split up on this day––he wanted to tour the castle and I wanted to check out the craft market in town. We hardly bought any souvenirs on our trip. The craft market in Ljubljana was the only time I bought anything (a few small trinkets and a pair of $10 pants that I’ve now worn for the last three days straight). Oh AND, and this is important, I found a toy store in Ljubljana and bought us a set of Rummy. We were so addicted after playing so many rounds in Vienna that we absolutely needed it for our last stop. We then got really yummy tuna sandwiches (love tuna) and it obviously started to rain right as we were heading to our car to go to Italy. (See (c) below).

Overall: Just going to reiterate how amazing of a city (and country) this is. We had such a nice time and it was the perfect addition to our trip. I would definitely go back and spend more time here.

Sixth Stop: Countryside Retreat near Verona, Italy

Day 1: What a perfect last stop to our trip (Tenuta La Cave). I can’t even explain. A beautiful retreat nestled in the mountains of wine country Italy. It was so gorgeous and just a perfect place to relax and rewind after an adventurous two weeks in Europe. I love Italy so much (ask Eric how many times I’ve said this over the last few days lol he will roll his eyes). Beautiful views, well manicured and simple property, and so high up that you have a view of multiple cities below. We ordered a bottle of champagne and played a few rounds of Rummy before having dinner at the hotel outdoor restaurant. We discovered the best dessert ever (crostini? Basically ricotta cheese with peach and ice cream in a thin crust?) that we proceeded to have all three nights in a row. 

Day 2: Swam some laps in the pool, played a lot of rummy, read a ton of my book, had lots of yummy Italian food (meat and cheese platter #8 for lunch), what more can you ask for? I also splurged on a massage at the hotel Spa. I got a “Californian Massage” which I assumed (based on the description) was similar to a Swedish Massage which is what I normally get back home. It was similar except that you had to be completely naked, like totally naked with a stranger which felt very weird to me.

Day 3: Similar to yesterday, soaked in the views, read by the pool, lots of Rummy, lots of champagne, lots of pasta, (meat and cheese #9). We then went into Verona (the nearest city) for the evening. We walked around and found the most incredible homemade tortellini shop, truly the best tortellini we’ve ever had in our lives. We took it to go and ate on a bench by the river. It was so good that we went back to get more, but it was CLOSED!!! Isn’t that the worst feeling? We were mentally committed to getting more tortellini and it was CLOSED!! Anyway, if you are ever in Verona go to Trattoria Della Gina and order tortellini! We then came back to our hotel and had champagne and the Crostini desert under the gazebo for our last night. And then played rummy (duh). Eric beat me 5 times in a row so circling back to my earlier point, I lost my rummy-ego and I now believe him that we are *similarly* matched.

Footnotes

(a) On our 18 day trip, I fit in 15 workouts. Some were short, only 20 minutes or so, but some form of exercise on 15 of the 18 days. I love staying active––it’s part of my routine, it makes me happy, and is really a form of therapy for me. I love maintaining this part of my life on vacation––I like feeling active. It gives me both physical and mental energy to carry with me throughout the day. Reflecting on this, I realized that in the past I might have felt embarrassed, and not gone out of my way to admit that I worked out all but 3 days on an 18 day trip. "It’s vacation!" "Why aren’t you relaxing?” “You’re the only person to actually use the hotel gym!” "You’re crazy!” I’ve been told all of these things. Previously I might have believed them and kept my workout habits to myself. As I reflect on this, I’d like to boldly reject all of that. I am proud as hell to have the discipline and motivation to stay active on a 2+ week trip to Europe. I am grateful that I truly like exercise, and I will continue to prioritize this when I travel.

(b) Our last Europe trip together was in 2017 to Portugal and Greece. This time around, with two more working years under our belt, Eric and I decided we could afford a “nicer” trip. Not to say our last trip wasn’t nice, it was wonderful, but our hotel budget was less than $100/night and we stayed at primarily upscale hostels and b&b's. This year we agreed to treat ourselves by upping our budget and letting ourselves splurge a bit on “real" hotels. A few takeaways from this. 1) It’s great to stay in a nice place, but we realized that we value it MUCH more when staying in a remote area (read: Lake Como + Italian Countryside), rather than in a city. Realistically, the purpose of your hotel in a major city is to sleep, and so it felt less important to be in a nice place, as we were mostly out and about anyway. So note to self, splurge more in remote areas, less in big cities. 2) The most important thing is a central location. I have to say, and Eric would attest, we did an AMAZING job finding centrally located hotels for this trip. Every single one of our hotels was in the absolute prime location, and it really made the trip wonderful. All this to say, when in a city, central location is the first most important thing, then comes how nice the hotel is. 3) When planning a trip, I find I’m always enticed by breakfast being included in the rate. Yet every time, I regret this decision. Here’s why: When breakfast is included, I feel an obligation to eat it––we’ve paid for it haven’t we? It feels financially irresponsible to skip the free breakfast and eat elsewhere. BUT a) the breakfast always ends so early that we have to force ourselves up (especially when you account for jet lag) b) we’re usually not even hungry that early c) as someone who likes exercising on vacation, this means I have to not only wake up in time for breakfast but wake up in time for a work out AND be back in time for breakfast. Not happening. d) Eric and I are foodies. Half the reason we travel is to explore new cuisines and try the local food. If we have the hotel breakfast, then we aren’t really hungry for a full lunch, and then we miss out on local cuisine! ALL THIS TO SAY––note to self, stop caring about the free breakfast when booking hotels in the future. That said, not to toot my own horn but I really plan great trips, I believe I am the perfect amount detail oriented to make strong itineraries and I’m considering opening up a side business called “Mara’s Maps” where I sell my itineraries. Do you think this could work? If you have a better name idea please let me know!

(c) We really lucked out with weather on this trip. Oddly enough, it rained on EVERY single travel day of our trip, but never on a full day at any of our stops. Truly, it rained when we traveled from Lake Como to Munich, Munich to Prague, Prague to Vienna, Vienna to Ljubljana, and Ljubljana to Italy. Is this travel fate or what? Separately, we also are so grateful that nothing went actually wrong on this trip. In addition to the weather, every flight and train was more or less on time, our hotels were all great, no major hiccups, overall a very smooth trip (which to be honest, with 6 stops is a pretty impressive win!).

(d) It really is bonkers to me that you have to pay to use the bathroom and pay for water in most European countries. In some ways, Europe feels very progressive compared to the US (think gun laws + health care), but this just feels so backwards to me. Shouldn’t water and bathroom usage be viewed as basic rights? For them to cost money is outlandish to me. Also, just something I noticed, I didn’t spot a single gender neutral bathroom ANYWHERE. Completely unrelated and on a positive note, European bike paths feel much safer than US bike paths (or maybe I shouldn’t generalize and I’ll just say NYC bike paths). There is a separate side walk area just for bikes that’s further removed from the cars so it really feels safer.

This trip was really something special. We are so acutely aware of how lucky we are to have been able to travel like this. We both have salaried jobs with flexible PTO where we don’t have to worry about missing a pay check to travel and I’m just so grateful that this type of vacation was possible. Reflecting over dessert on our last night, we talked about a few of the reasons this trip was really great. First, it was really varied. We had a great mix of cities and activities, so it didn’t feel like a lot of the same thing. This was partially due to the nature of the different cities but also due to strong planning and building diverse itineraries. Eric and I don’t plan our days in advance, we put together a document of bullet pointed recommendations for each city, and each night we talk through our plan for the following day. We love this because it means we’ve done all the heavy research in advance so don’t have to worry about finding a Wifi connection to look something up, but it also leaves room for unexpected or spontaneous ideas and recommendations. Another thing that made this trip great is we found a really great balance of relaxing and ‘go go go’. 18 crazy packed days would have been too much, I don’t have that kind of energy. We never set alarms, we let ourselves have leisurely mornings, and we planned days that had a good mix of activities. This made it so that even after 18 days of travel, we don’t feel burnt out or exhausted. This blog is mostly for my own documentation so I can look back on this trip, and because it makes it easier to give friends recommendations in the future, but if you’ve chosen to read and have made it this far I hope you enjoyed!

[telltheworld-phff]

Chapter 18: Vicious circle

“Who the fuck was eavesdropping my conversation?”

“Meghan.”

“Meghan sold the Prince’s health issues to the press.” Edward said and hated himself for being the one to give such hard news to Harry. He saw the moment the shock came to his face and the exactly moment when he went into denial mode.

“Are you mental?” Harry yelled. “Of course my girlfriend wouldn’t do such a thing.”

“Harry...”

“Fuck off, Edward. You never liked Meghan and is just biased by Carolina. You’re fucking crazy to think Meghan would do this to hurt my grandfather.”

“Harry, it’s obvious she didn’t do it to hurt your family. She did it to hurt Carol. And to make you fight with her. I know the information got to the newspaper editor by 1 am. If it’s 1 am here, it’s 9 o’clock in Brazil. Where was Carol yesterday at this time?” Edward crossed his arms and walked around his car to seat on the passenger seat and put on the seat belt.

Harry’s mind started running wild trying to remember everything.

“She was at a media seminar for extra credit last night. She told me.” he whispered.

“And her phone…” Edward waited for him to fill in the blank.

“Was dead. I kept sending her lots of silly things during the day and her battery died. She only sent me pictures of the seminar when she got home. It was around midnight Brazil time.”

“Exactly. And we know that the newspaper was printed around 2am, our time. That means...”

“There’s not way Carol would’ve been able to be at the seminar and talking to the editor at the same time. She didn’t do it.”

“I told you so.” Edward said and looked at his friend. Harry wasn’t much of a emotional guy, but right now his eyes were full of emotions and tears and they soon started streaming down his face.

“Fuck!” Harry hit his head of the wheel a couple times hating himself even more at the moment.

Edward knew that Harry had probably lost one of the best friends he ever had. But he didn’t comment on it.

(…)

Carol was devastated. She was sad, feeling betrayed. She was mad and angry. She was furious.

She cried her whole ride home that day, she decided to call for a taxi because she really didn’t want too many people seeing her crying her eyes out. She was skipping classes, her phone was broken and she didn’t want to talk to anyone or see anyone. The only thing she wanted to do was tell Harry off and punch him. Her mind kept repeating his words and accusations and if that was possible her heart was breaking each and every time of it.

She got home and was thankful her mom wasn’t there. She took a long shower and her tears wouldn’t stop flowing. She sat on the floor of the shower stall, hugging her knees close to her chest and crying. She wept and sobbed for a couple of minutes before getting up and leaving the bathroom. She fixed a sandwich to eat and went to her bedroom. She laid there in silence for a time before the tears came back and she hated herself because she was crying because of him.

“I honestly hope you rot, wanker.” she whispered at a certain point.

(…)

As soon as he got home Harry was a man in a mission. He took off his blazer and tie, served a glass of scotch and drank it so quickly before serving another one.

He sat on his desk and stared at his phone for a couple of hours. His eyes were red and puffy and he was overwhelmed by all the emotions he was feeling at this moment. He had to be clever and sneaky. He needed proof to believe Meghan would do such a horrible thing just to hurt his friend. He and Carol had never given Meghan a reason to believe they’d cheat on her. They were friends. They were best friends and that was it. He first called his girlfriend. It was only 8 am in Toronto, so she wouldn’t be on set yet.

“Hey honey. What a surprise you calling me so early.” she said with a sweet voice while she was getting ready to work.

“I missed you, that’s all.” Harry tried to put an effort on his voice.

“Missed? As in you don’t miss me anymore?” she asked.

“I always miss you, Meg. You know that.”

“Yeah. I think I do.” smiled and he was silent for a moment.

“Meg, do you love me?” he asked.

“Of course I love you, Harry. Why are you asking me this?”

“Would you ever do anything to hurt me or my family?” he asked already knowing the answer: yes.

“Of course not honey.” she was getting suspicious but there was no way he’d be able to find out the truth. She hadn’t given her name or used her own phone, she made sure to call the editor in an hour that Carol would be home.

“Yeah.. I think I should’ve listened to you when you told me Carolina wasn’t to be trusted. She sold a very important information to the press, my grandparents are furious with me and they’re truly considering taking off my title.” Harry said knowing that Meghan didn’t know how things worked in the Royal family, so she wouldn’t realize it was a lie.

“REALLY?” she was truly shocked. She loved Harry, of course. But she also liked the idea of the power she’d have if connected to him.

“Yes… I just came home from Buckingham. I might as well go back to the army.”

“But the army is not safe...”

“I know. But that’s what I like to do. And I’ll have to earn my own money.” he interrupted her.

They were silent and Harry served another glass of scotch he wanted to get drunk as soon as possible.

“What do you think of us moving in together? I once asked Carolina how I should ask you this but now I don’t really take her opinion into consideration.”

“How would it work?” Meghan said after a while. He was acting weird, but that was because of the newspapers and the prospect of being left without a title and a job, she thought. But she couldn’t help but smile knowing that Carolina was definitely out of the picture. “What you discussed with her?”

The fish bit the bait. If Meghan wasn’t trying to make Carol look bad for him, she’d start a jealousy fit and not asked what they had talked about.

“I only chatted with her about it, she advised me to talk to my father first and to wait to see if your show is renewed. If it is, I’d be doing less engagements to be with you in Toronto. If it’s not, we’d have to get a flat in London to live. I don’t really care about the place or the country. I just want to be close to you, Meg.” he was disgusted to be saying those words, but he had to do it.

“That’s incredible, Harry. But let’s not get too carried over it, ok?” she said cautiously.

“Well… it’s about time. You have to leave for work. Don’t let me hold you back.”

“Ok, honey. I’ll call you later. We’re planning our next step carefully. Love you, Harry.” she said and hung up.

Now everything he had to do was wait. And waiting he did. So did the bottle that didn’t leave his side.

(…)

“Prince Harry is about to move in together with Meghan Markle. They’re planning to live in a flat in London next Summer.”

“Only a day after Prince Philip’s health announcement from the Palace, a close source says Prince Harry and girlfriend Meghan are moving in together.”

“Just a step before another royal wedding: Prince Harry and Meghan Markle are moving in together. Are they rushing things to have Prince Philip present at the wedding?”

Three days. That’s how long Harry waited. He was in a terrible mood, yelling at anyone about anything. But he was rewarded three days later when he woke up and saw Edward’s newspapers clippings about the lie he had told Meghan. He was furious with her, but at the same time he was furious with himself. Knowing Carol like he did, she wouldn’t forgive him easily. And now he knew how much she valued their friendship and how much she deserved to be trusted. If she had said she didn’t sell his grandfather’s secret to the press, he should have believed it. Not accuse her of something as low as selling him out to earn money. Harry knew Carol’s history and her family’s history. They all worked very hard. They all knew the value of things not just the price. He booked a flight to Toronto later that evening. He couldn’t wait to get there and see if Meghan would once and for all admit she was the one who got the easy money.

(…)

Breaking up a relationship was never a easy thing to do. Sometimes one doubt they’re doing the right thing. But Harry was as sure as possible when he arrived at Meghan’s house at 2 am in Toronto time. She was sleepy and surprised. She was happy seeing him there but soon all hell broke loose and they had one of the biggest fights both of them would ever have. It took Harry four hours for Meghan do confess. He tried to start calm and simply asked her. She denied. He then played with words to see if he’d be able to confuse her and make her talk, but she didn’t open her mouth. He was getting angry and anxious and he simply accused her of doing it. Meghan started playing dumb and crying and after she saw how mad Harry was getting, she tried to revolve the game in her favor. So she accused Carolina of doing it. She lied to his face.  And that only helped Harry to get angrier. She confessed after Harry yelling at her for a couple of hours. And if he hadn’t been raised to be a prince and well mannered, Harry would seriously do something he regretted. He left her house, slamming her front door, as single man, he was relieved for now knowing the truth and thankful for Edward’s effort to prove he was wrong. He was so very damn wrong. Now he had a friend to win back. That was the hardest part.

(…)

“Please, let’s not talk about him.” Carol said laying on Julia’s bed. She was waiting for her friend to get ready to go out. But as always, Julia was taking forever to get ready.

“I mean… he was a fucking dick to you!” she said looking at Carol. “I think we both should punch him.”

Julia and Carol were more like sisters than best friends. They liked the same things, they studied at the same schools, they even at some point had a crush on the same boy. They went to concerts together, they traveled together and they were the kind of friends that even if they were too busy with their lives and went weeks without talking to each other, as soon as both of them were in the same room, it felt like the hadn’t missed a day. Julia had always been one of Carol’s role model. She was smart, funny and outgoing. She stood up for her friends and family whenever it was needed. But she was also the first one to point their flaws and was a very sincere critic to all of them.

“I think you’ve got a crush on him.” Julia said while applying her mascara.

“You’re crazy. I don’t have a crush on him.” Carol said defiantly.

“Deny as much as you want, Carol, but I know you. You’ve got a huge crush on the ginger prince. Besides, I’d be surprised if you hadn’t. You always pick the most daft men to have crushes on.”

Carol threw a pillow at her friend and they laughed.

She was only going out tonight because Julia was simply making her. Ever since her fight with Harry a week ago she only got out of bed to go to work. Everyone noticed her sullen mood and her snapy comments. She was pushing everyone away from her and Julia was the only brave enough to walk on thin ice and tell her friend the things she needed to hear. They were going to Villa and they wanted to dance the night away and get drunk. No one was allowed to go back home sober.

(…)

Carol woke up the next day in a different yet familiar bed. She had a pounding headache from all the tequila she drank. She was only in her underweard an before she started panicking she looked at her side and saw she was at Rodrigo’s house.

“Fuck!” she whispered.

She closed her eyes trying to remember last night. She remembered arriving with her friend, she remembered dancing and drinking. She remembered he arrived there with his friends and that he almost started a fight when she was dancing with another guy. She was drunk. She wanted to be reckless. She wanted to not care about all Harry’s advices to not go near him again.

And she remembered she was the one that kissed him.

Everything else was a blur.

But now that Carol was in pain and sober, she panicked because out of everyone in the world, Rodrigo had to be the last one she had to look for comfort. She thought about trying to leave before he woke and when she was starting to take off the blankets, his arm was around her waist and he was fully awake.

“Going somewhere?” he said nuzzling her neck.

“To the bathroom...” she lied and he tried to kiss her “Morning breath. Off you go.” she pushed him and got out of bed. She went to the bathroom to wash her face and she tried to think of a way to be out of this situation. She looked for a painkiller on his cabinet and found one. She took two without any water and was so relieved when she saw the used condom on his trashbin. At least they had protection.

When she got back to the bedroom, he had fixed them breakfast. She almost said she wasn’t hungry but her stomach rumbled loudly.

“You’re always hungry in the morning. Specially after sex, so I brought you breakfast.” he said.

“Thanks” she gave him an awkward smile and started eating. “What exactly happened last night?”

“Well… You kissed me and didn’t let me go for the rest of the night. I was driving you home and you asked me not to. We came here, had sex and fell asleep.” he said like it was the most normal thing ever.

“Well… it’s not happening again. I was drunk and weak.”

“Whatever helps you sleep at night, Carolinda.” he smiled. That fucking damn smile. He nuzzled her neck again e she could feel the warmth of his body on hers. Breakfast was soon forgotten. And the vicious circle was back on.

[kiishou]

All the emojis

all of them???? ok here we go

🐰 what is one secret that you’ve never told anyone?

anyone who knows me knows that I’m not very secretive. Something I think I rarely tell anyone is that my first kiss was taken from me by a girl

💗 if you could hug anyone, who would it be?

I’m not very fond of hugs, but I would love to hug Rod, Zach, Robert, and Ana KappaPride

plus i wouldn’t mind hugging the woman i would go lesbian for aka emilia clarke hot damn k bye 

🐹 what are some of your favourite Pokémon and why?

Sylveon is my all time favorite but I also have a lot in my heart. I think it changes from game to game tbh 

I love sylveon because i think i would be sylveon if i were a pokemon and i would be hella cute and strong and would be able to crush my enemies with sparkles

🌠 if you were in charge of the world, what would the world look like?

I think It would be a lot less of cities and more natural areas, I would like to come up with a plan for different countries and peace

👀 what was the most recent vivid dream that you had?

Oh my. I get these so often but the most recent one was about me being a skilled assassin and I was on a job to kill someone and it was such a difficult situation and at the same time I was being hunted to be killed so I ended up having to kill two people and I woke up walking into the room where my boss was

☀️ what do you like the most about your best friend?

I have more than one but I’m only going to focus on ana right now:

I like how much she’s let me in? Like, she’s naturally really shy and doesn’t talk very much but over the years she’s really talkative and funny with me. We also do stupid shit together which i love. She LOVES papitas as much as I do and we literally buy an entire bag of chips for each of us like every 3 days LOL. I just think she’s a beautiful person inside and out. Sometimes, things aren’t perfect but we seem to tough it out and stick around. I would honestly die for her and if anyone every hurts her I will end their life. I like too many different things about her to just pick one sorry

😘 talk about your crush or partner

He is someone who has been through a lot of things he does not deserve in his life. Most of the time I don’t think he even deserves to have someone like me around because I’m more than a handful. He’s very smart and studying to be an engineer because he loves tinkering with things and inventing things. He would be a pilot if he wasn’t colorblind. He’s very handsome with his hair cut but he tries to grow it out cause eh thinks it’ll look cool but it does not (oops) I only wish for his happiness and cherish all the time he spends with me and my weird ass. He’s probably one of the only two people who love fueling my Target obbsession

💁 if someone was rude to you, would you be rude back?

It honestly depends on the situation and how upset I was in that instant: example, online trolls on my stream/in games i just bully back or perma ban but irl it would take something really offensive for me to say something

🌟 what do you like about yourself? (must choose at least 3 things!)

1. how I think I’m cute sometimes

2. how much I care for my friends

3. how hardworking I am but no one really ever gets to see it

🐾 what are you scared of most? how will you overcome it?

I think I am scared of imperfection. I honestly don’t know how to overcome it other than accepting that things aren’t always going to be perfect.

🎁 what never fails to make you happy?

A blanket fresh from the dryer

💙 what annoys you about some people?

People who lie and thick they’re so slick about it smh

😤 do you get angry easily?

Absolutely not

🐇 what do you always daydream about?

how cute i would look with these boots that I can’t afford (i’m a size 5.5)

🌻 if you could change 3 things about the world what would you change?

1. The entirety of America

2. Donald Trump

3. The current presidency

🍓 send me 4 names: kiss, befriend, kill or marry?

there was no names sent? u.u

✈️ what is your dream city and why?

I would love to live literally anywhere in England because I love rainy weather

☕️ talk about your ideal day

an ideal day would be waking up early, eating a good breakfast, playing some games ( and ACTUALLY WINNING LOL) and have a successful and fun stream, then watch anime/movies until I sleep

🌸 are you an introvert, ambivert or extrovert?

I think I’m an introvert

💧 when was the last time you cried?

½/2017

🎵 name 5 songs you love at the moment

1.  Lovewave - 그 밤

2. There You Are - Pogo

3. Love Never Felt So Good - Michael Jackson, Justin Timberlake

4. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qemb3iBlp1o

5. Deja Vu -Post Malone ft. Justin Bieber

⚡️ if you had any superpower, what would it be and why?

I would love to time travel and be able to change things that weren’t right the first time

💛 if you could talk to your younger self, what would you say?

I would tell her so many things. I would probably write her a book and everything I want to tell her.

💚 who are you jealous of and why?

I’m not one to really be jealous but I do get envious of different things/people. I’m just a brat who get upset over things I don’t have

💎 which one would you rather have more of: intelligence, beauty, kindness, wealth or bravery? why?

Bravery. I always tell myself to be brave and act like I am but I never am 

🙊 what are you ashamed of?

my entire being 

🌺 which languages do you know? which do you want to learn?

I know English, Spanish, German, and  some Japanese. I want to properly learn Japanese, Korean, and Arabic tho

🍀 if you could be any fictional character’s best friend/lover, which fictional character would you be?

I think I would be Newt Scamander’s best friend 

☁️ talk about your dream universe.

i honestly don’t know how to answer this one

💜 which acts of kindness are you going to do today?

who knows? none probably

🐬 if you could transform into any animal/magical creature, what would you be and why?

I would want to be a fox

🍄 talk about someone/something you really dislike

I really dislike how backwards my sleeping schedule is right now. I can’t even wake up remotely early and it makes me extremely grumpy and I can’t even fall asleep so I’m somehow surviving on like 3-4 hours a night and I am exhausted

😣 talk about some things that have been making you depressed/angry/anxious lately

no thanks

🍪 what did you want to be as a kid, and what do you want to be now?

I wanted to be an Astronaut when I was a child, then I wanted to be a musician because it was more realistic. Now? I just want to be an Illustrator/Animator

🍰 what are some of your favourite sugary foods?

i fucking love cookies, ice cream, sour punch straws, and gummy worms but by far wedding cake is my favorite thing in the world catch me crashing weddings just for the cake

🍑 what are you obsessed with?

star wars, pillows/blankets, collecting figures and other cute collectibles, these boots, wanting to be perfect, happiness, themed shit, skins in video games

💘 what happens to you when you’re stressed?

i’m cry

😪 what are you sick of?

i’m sick of my dumb ass

🙀 are you an adrenaline seeker?

NO i get too many panic attacks which involves a lot of adrenaline so no thanks bye

💥 what are some unpopular opinions that you have?

I already tried to answer this

☔️ would you consider yourself a good person?

As much as I want to say yes, I think I’m not and need a lot of improvement

😊 what do you like to do as hobbies?

play video games, go to target for no reason, stream, talk to friends, go out to eat at taco bell and destroy my stomach, sleep, watch movies

🎤 what’s the last song you hummed or sang by yourself?

who knows tbh I think it was Misguided Ghosts - Paramore

🐝 what’s your worst trait? how are you planning to improve it?

oh god pls don’t ask me this

🎨 what do you always doodle when you’re bored?

self portraits or things on how i’m feeling

🐻 what’s stopping you from chasing your dreams?

the American society standards 

🌷 what’s your mbti personality and why do you think it suits you?

my what? what did you call me????//

🐶 send me 3 fictional people and I’ll choose my favourite!

you didn’t send me anything hullo

👑 who are your favourite celebrities and why?

Emilia Clarke bye

🐴 opinion on __?

yes

🍋 do you consider yourself an emotional person?

I think so but sometimes i’m unemotional it’s very complicated

📚 share 3 books that you love and your favourite quote from them.

I don’t read often but I love The Harry Potter Series, Saving Max, and The Martian. I’m currently reading the Rogue One novel and I love it so much 

😔 what do you always do when you feel sad? does it help?

sometimes I stream or I just play games to feel better or I talk to my friends who I love cause they make me so happy and fuel me with support 

😌 what thoughts keep you going when you’re sad?

“something will always work out” “tomorrow is another day”

🌍 which country do you live in?

United States of America tragic

🐧 describe yourself in 3 words

1. sleepy

2. exhausted

3. smol

🐵 which quotes changed you?

“be brave” “trust goes both ways” “fuck you I was worth it”

💭 do you keep a diary?

I used to but I couldn’t keep up with it

💫 who inspires you?

kellye, pam, yams, ana, zach, rod, robert, and literally anyone i love alot 

👻 do you believe in ghosts and why?

who knows man just keep your nasty ass Ouija boards away from me I don’t wanna deal with it

🎀 what’s your fashion sense like?

who knows cause I can’t afford my fashion taste

🎬 what are some of your favourite films?

Inception, Starwars, The Martian, The Book of Life, Moana, HP, idk i like movies a lot 

🍦 what is one treasured childhood memory?

a memory that has always stayed with me very vividly was when i almost chopped off my finger however I wouldn’t call it a treasured memory

🐼 if you could meet anyone, who would it be and why?

Emilia Clarke HUULLLLLLOOOOOO

[rheasunshine]

As I delve a little into what happened yesterday during my second half infusion of Ocrevus, I want to be very clear that “weakness” is not at all meant to be a taken as derogatory, or a stand-in for failure.  I do not intend “weakness” to bring up feelings of inadequacy or defeat.

Weakness, in this piece, means vulnerability, means softness, means disarmed – and the context of these words are meant to evoke in us the power of our humanness and to speak to the testament that though we are all fragile, that fragility bonds us together and opens up the pathways for empathy.

As I wrote about in my last piece, my decision to start Ocrevus was not an easy one and the long-term side effects were scary and the short-term ones turned out to be terrible.  This all comes with the territory of long-term disease management and medications.  So I won’t re-hash that and I’ll start with yesterday morning.

(Full disclosure, as I’m writing this, I’m currently basking in the warmth of 7.5 mg of Vicodin, 50 mgs of Benadryl, plus the haziness of sheer exhaustion.  Also, my skin is burning at a level best described as “infuriatingly distracting” and I have no feeling in either of my legs, so every once in awhile I’m taken out of writing mode to try to figure out how my laptop is floating in front of me because I can’t see the lump of legs beneath the blanket and so the whole “out of sight, out of mind” comes in to play.)

Knowing that we would have to leave for Duke at 5:30 am on Tuesday morning, I went to bed at 7 pm Monday night; not surprisingly, I woke up at 1:45 am, anxious and pissed.  But I got dressed, combed my hair and took a “Let’s Do This” selfie in an attempt to get myself pumped up.  I was thinking I looked pretty good for 2:30 am, especially since I was fighting a panic attack and couldn’t take anything for it (so there would be no interactions with the pre-medication they give you at the infusion center).

We headed out right on time, and despite the Tropical Cyclone warnings, there was only a light rain falling.  Thommy and I took the obligatory “WE’RE ON A ROAD TRIP!” photo at the first red light we came to, and then he took an adorable shot of the two of us once I inevitably passed out in the passenger’s seat.

Durham rush hour traffic was reliably crazy, so we rolled up to Duke Hospital with 15 minutes to park and check-in.  While I nervously waited for them to call my name I couldn’t help but notice the obnoxiously optimistic vending machine taunting me.  Similarly to adding the words “in bed” to the ending of fortune cookies, I sometimes like to add the words “my ass” to the end of inspirational quotes.  In case the image is too small for you to read, let me assist you in recreating what I read in my head yesterday morning as I waited for the IV toxicity:

“The human spirit is stronger than anything that can happen to it … my ass.”

Despite my obsession with quotes and my belief in their ability to empower and embolden us, sometimes the only thing that pulls me along in life is sardonic humor. Apologies to C.C. Scott.

Anyway, the appointment started out great – especially the first three things.  For starters, the scale was broken!! After just getting weighed in at a doctor’s appointment on Monday (yes, I truly do spend most of my life at doctor’s appointments), I was really not looking forward to it on Tuesday.  Most people dislike getting weighed in on those hideous contraptions anyway, but for someone with anorexia it’s an even harder proposition. Sometimes I do the weigh-in backwards, but most times my sadistic side takes over and I can’t avert my eyes.  I’m going to be writing a special post about my upcoming 10 year anniversary from Renfrew and one of the things I’ll be talking about is some ways people with eating disorders engage differently than regular folks with seemingly benign tasks.  For example, on the day before a scheduled weigh-in, I usually dehydrate myself and often times use a diuretic or laxative (despite the fact that I am chronically dehydrated and have diarrhea anywhere between 5-15 times a day).  I also wear as few items of clothing as possible.  This is much easier to accomplish in the South, but regardless of the fact that I am always cold, I usually wear shorts and flip flops to appointments so I can take them off before stepping on the scale.  At the infusion center, none of these preemptive steps are possible because those places are kept at what seems to be “just-below-freezing”, so I’m forced to wear jeans and shoes.  I digress: I didn’t have to get weighed in.

The second good thing was finding out that they try to keep you with the same infusion nurse for sake of continuity of care.  I loved my nurse the first time and I was ecstatic to be back under her care.  The last positive to happen in quick succession was the fact that she was able to get the IV in on the first try.  Last time, it took 3 pokes (plus the delay of waiting for the “IV Team” to show up).  Then, things started to take a turn for the worse.

Despite assurances last time that were going to double ALL my meds to start (including the Benadryl, which is a god-send during these infusions because it either knocks you out or keeps you in a “I Don’t Give a Fuck” haze), I was informed that only the Pepcid and the steroids would be doubled.  That was the first time I wanted to cry in the infusion chair.  I held it in.  I dug in hard, gritted my teeth, focused my energy and willed myself to stay ahead of the thundering rumble of disappointment I could hear building up in the background.  Thommy must have taken a picture at this moment, which I didn’t see until later, but perfectly captured the internal pep-talk.

And then he asked for a picture, grinning.  I tried to smile back.

  Then, as my nurse administered the normal dose of Benadryl, none of the twilight-like sedation that had blissfully overcome me during the first infusion took hold.  It might as well have been saline.  Again, the tears swelled up from my gut to the edges of my eyes – but I blinked them back down and just let the crashing wave of disappointment and frustration wash over me.  All my senses and emotions were so heightened that it felt more like drowning than washing, but I didn’t want to give up on the day so early in the process.

The day marched on.  Thommy did some work and I mostly stared ahead at the wall, or occasionally at my phone, but mostly I just looked at the IV.  A little blood had started to flow back into the tubing, a hazy mixture of red blood and opaque medicine creating a pink swirl in the line.  I don’t know why it was mesmerizing.  Something about blood leaving my body was calming; it was just the smallest amount, really, but it was beautiful.  It didn’t even scare me that I wished it was coming faster, or that the tubing wasn’t there, or that the earlier moments of “washing disappointment” turned to a wistful hope that the droplets of blood would turn to tiny streams, then currents.  Visions of crimson liquid on pale skin lulled me.  It wasn’t the meds but this vision that acted like the Klonopin I hadn’t been able to take earlier, and my eyes closed.  Thommy must have looked up from his laptop shortly after this and captured with his phone what must have seemed to him like a momentary respite from the struggle and a rare moment of calm.  It was.  But for all the wrong reasons.

***

As we hit the mark in time where I had experienced a reaction during the first infusion, I was ecstatic to realize I wasn’t having one this time.  I stubbornly decided (as one does when they think they can control everything around them) that I was NOT going to have a reaction this time and we were going to get out of there on time, beat the Durham rush hour and be back home after “only” 12 hours.  It was not to be.  30 minutes later when they once again bumped up the infusion rate, I started to get the faintest tingle around my ears and the outline of my face.  Then a little on my neck. I tried not to think about it; I certainly tried not to touch it.  I didn’t want to draw any attention to myself while surrounded my hawk-eye nurses and an even more attentive husband, who for reasons that entirely escape me, seems to actually like looking at my face.  I again tried to convince myself the increasingly hard to ignore burning was simply a matter of psychosomatic manifestation.  No allergic reaction to see here.  Maybe if I pretend to sleep, no one will look at me.

Then I coughed.  Just once.  But Thommy looked up.  I shook my head nonchalantly: “I’m fine, just a tickle, it’s fine.”

Then another cough, deeper this time: “I’m fine,” I laughed, “seriously, go back to work.” Then 3 more in quick succession, harder and rumbling, ones that forced my body upwards in the chair.

Fuck.  Me.

After 2 minutes of “Should We Get the Nurse” ping-pong, he poked is head above the nursing station.  I could hear the mumbling and I shot Thommy the coldest death stare I could muster and like a mother scolding an insubordinate child, I mouthed “SIT. DOWN.”

“Never mind, she’s ok.” Thommy said with a sheepish chuckle.  It was his turn to try to laugh it off.  But it was too late and here she came, arms crossed, smiling.  It wasn’t my nurse (she was on lunch), but one that had remembered me from last time and had come over to say hi when we first got there.  “Good to see you again,” she had said.  She was young and very pretty.   It’s strange, but even after just two visits, they seem like a family to me.

“What’s going on?”

“Nothing,” I laughed, waving my hand in an attempt to shoo off the inevitable.  I try to act like the smartest person in the room when in medical settings, like it simultaneously makes everyone up their own game and also allows me the upper-hand.  I do it because pretending I’m in control is the only way I’ve found to survive all this shit.

I don’t remember exactly who said what, but among the three of us, words like “itching”, “just a little irritation”, “cough”, and “I really am fine,” got tossed around.  No dice.  In quick succession, 3 nurses and the PA who oversees the floor and is probably the sweetest person I’ve ever met in a medical office were standing and sitting around me.  Then I started to fucking cry.  Not sobbing, not hysterically, but a stifled stream of tears finally made their way out of my eyes and down my already red and itching face.  The nurses and Thommy tried to console me, thinking what, I’m not sure.  The darker part of my nature thought maybe they believed I was weak – easily rattled – being a brat.

I doubt anyone actually thought that but those were the assumptions pounding against my skull as I tried to explain that I was only crying because I didn’t want to stop the infusion, I just wanted to get through it like (seemingly) everyone else did and go HOME. I wanted them to understand that my body does not know any other mode than “self-sabotage.” It is a betrayer.  It lies and it breaks and it defies logic.  I wanted them to ignore what they were seeing, go against all ethical and practical guides of medicine and just let me have my reaction in peace and get the fuck out of there.  As I explained that, minus the expletives, the PA sat down next to me and placed her hand on my knee that was huddled up next to me as I did my best to place myself in the fetal position in the chair.  Her eyes were the warmest shade of brown, and empathy and sympathy shot out of them like laser beams set to a better frequency than mine.  Excitedly she said, “we won’t stop like last time!! No, no…” she comforted, “we will just stop the drip while we give you more Benadryl, more Pepcid and some Allegra, and then I promise you we’ll start right back up.”  There were some hesitant, doubting looks on the faces of the nurses surrounding her.  The PA must have noticed that too because she added – “I’ll start it back up myself if I have too.”  I agreed, but kept crying.

They all started shuffling around doing what had to be done and within a few minutes, my own nurse was back.  They explained to her what had happened.  They tried to explain why I was upset.  I started to defend myself, but she stopped me.

“Of course you’re crying.  You’re tough and happy for as long as you can and you do what you have to do and then all it ever takes is one final thing, the straw that breaks the camels back, to put you over.  It’s not pain, you can handle that; it’s just frustration at one more thing not working out the way it should and you just have enough.  You’re ok.”

I cried harder.  She actually fucking got it.  I’ve known her for a total of maybe 18 hours in my life and she completely understood the secret language of my tears in that moment.

They infused more meds and I watched the clock tick.  And then, when my time was up, and every nurse was with another patient, the PA (who works in administration and oversees the floor, and who was wearing high heels, a skirt and a blouse, but who had promised me that this little setback wouldn’t get me off track to go home on time), found gloves and started my drip back up herself.

The state of medical care of this country is currently broken.  I know this because I am a professional patient.  But the level of care I’ve received at my infusion center, and especially at the hands of this PA at that moment, healed so many fractures for me.

I still had well over an hour to go when my nurse left for the day.  She came over to say goodbye and that she’d see me in 6 months.  She said a few things, all so genuinely sweet that I wanted to cry again.  Then she said “it was truly a pleasure being with you today.”  I could only nod.  When she left, Thommy turned and said, “she loves you.”

“Yeah,” I said, thinking about all the times doctors and nurses would fawn over Memere, even as she experienced the worst that hospitals have to offer.  “I learned that from Memere.”

***

In my ongoing commitment to showing how “real” complicated and ongoing illness and disability can be, I allowed Thommy to post a picture he took of me crying to Facebook.  We try to document as much of our lives as possible, and while most people who know me know that I’m incredibly open and honest about what all the colors of life look like, there are lines I try to draw.  I’m struggling with that right now as I’m drafting my Renfrew piece, because despite the trigger warnings and the explicit language I’ll use to shy away people who shouldn’t be looking at it, I know if they’re anything like me they’ll be compelled to do so anyway, and so I haven’t decided if I’ll use pictures to help illustrate what my personal weight and health struggles have looked like over the last 18 or so years.

When we finally got home last night, I kept looking at that picture.  I really had to fight the urge to take it down.  I still think displaying vulnerability, depression, anxiety and self-harm are ways that help me fight against them.  I know not everybody feels that way and I do worry maybe it’s too triggering for people.  And maybe I’m delusional, but I do feel that if someone is battling their own demons in secrecy, and maybe feels like no one else understands, that they might see one of my pictures or posts and realize that weakness does not have to equal defeat or inadequacy or failure.  Sometimes – hell, most times – weakness is permission to feel vulnerable, hurt or broken while simultaneously seeing the strength that all those feelings require.  It is permission to be human, and to let others know that not everything they see or read from people they consider “strong” is the whole story.  Strength requires too much energy sometimes; it needs its’ counterparts to be whole.  When someone tells me I’m strong, I want them to know that, while it’s often misquoted and not used in accordance with the original source material from “A Farewell to Arms”: we are all broken, that’s how the light get’s in.

So today, as I sit here, I am bloated from the steroids and terrified about how much worse it’s going to get in the coming weeks. I am in incredible amounts of pain radiating from all over, and both legs are numb.  I am starving, but I won’t eat.  My face is broken out in hives (as are my neck, chest and shoulders), and I am dizzy and nauseous from all the medicines.  I am worried about money because our car just needed $1,100 worth of repairs.  I am feeling like a horrible friend and daughter because there are things I’m supposed to be doing for my friends and family that I just can’t.  I feel like the “World’s Worst Wife” (a title I bestow on myself often) because Thommy is stressed and anxious and I can’t be as attentive or patient as I should be.

I am feeling my humanness today: hard.  I am still crying.  But I’m urged to remind you that while it’s not necessarily fair to feel this way, we are okay.  And if you need to reach out, reach out.  And if you want to share your struggles with social media but worry people might think you’re being “dramatic,” tell that voice to shut up and share what you want.  You have no idea who it might help.  Or how it might help you.

What’s the point of being strong if you can’t define strength on your own terms?

What’s the point of struggling in silence because you’re worried about what other’s might think? People who would turn their backs on you deserve to be walking away.

What do you need today?  Ask yourself – then ask for help if you need it.

If you’re doing OK today – ask someone else what you can do to help them.

Results may vary.  You may make someone’s day.

Or you may save it.

  In strength and solidarity,

Rhea

    In Defense of Weakness As I delve a little into what happened yesterday during my second half infusion of Ocrevus, I want to be very clear that "weakness" is not at all meant to be a taken as derogatory, or a stand-in for failure.