#1. eating with my parents ('dessert' inside the bone)

[quietferns]

pequeño comic inspirado en tts clifford y padres<3

check tags if you want translations

[f1united]

Secret - DR3 Imagine

Part 4 to Zoo!

Part 1     Part 2     Part 3

Daniel Ricciardo Imagine

Summary: You share your pregnancy with his family

This contains mentions of pregnancy so please do not read if this is something you may find triggering!

Ever since you and Daniel had taken the digital test, he hadn’t left your side. The confirmation that you were growing a mini Ricciardo inside of you made him smile more than he ever had before, something that you thought was borderline impossible. He had booked a trip for the two of you to spend some time together before he was thrown back into the busy f1 season. It was as though you had just met for the first time, staying up late talking and not being able to keeps your hands off each other wherever you went. When you’d flown back to Australia nothing changed and you felt yourself falling in love with him all over again.

Daniel laid beside you in bed, one arm around your shoulders and the other holding up the precious scan photo of your little baby that had been taken yesterday. Ever since you’d been given it neither one of you could seem to stop looking at it in complete awe. Truth be told there wasn’t too much to see, you weren’t too far along but that didn’t seem to matter.

“Have you thought about how to tell your family today?” you asked, diverting you eyes from the picture to his. Today was the last day Daniel would see his family before you both headed back to Europe to finish preparing for the first race in just two weeks’ time. The annual barbeque had become a tradition and was always a lovely way to say goodbye.

You hadn’t told anyone about your pregnancy yet. You were somewhat scared that if people knew your little secret it would burst this bubble that the two of you had found yourself in. However, you knew that he probably wanted to tell his parents in person, and it was uncertain the next time that would be.

“Not really I just think I’ll know when the times right, they’re going to be so excited” you knew he was right. They would be so excited, and you didn’t have to even doubt for a second that they wouldn’t support the both of you.

“We should probably get up, they’ll be here soon” you didn’t want to move, you could’ve laid like this forever, but you did need to get ready and start the food prep. You slowly lifted yourself up, placing a kiss on Daniel’s forehead as he unwrapped himself from you. It wasn’t until you were on your feet that you caught a glimpse of yourself in the mirror and let out a small gasp.

“Daniel look” his eyes snapped towards you and watched intently as you carefully touched the small bump. You hadn’t started showing much and you were sure that this was just being you hadn’t been to the toilet yet this morning but none the less it all started to feel a bit more real.

“Oh my god” Daniel climbed out of bed and stood behind you, placing his arms and hands over yours to hold the little baby too.

“I suppose I should go and pick out a floaty dress for the day” you smiled. It didn’t take long for everyone to arrive. You had let them all in while Daniel stayed in the garden with his barbeque and his beer. They never came empty handed and you gave them a hand carrying the food through to the dining table outside. His nephew was the first one to greet Daniel, shortly followed by everyone else.

“What does everyone want to drink?” you asked as everyone began to sit down. You figured this way you could pour yourself a soft drink without anyone noticing you weren’t on the alcohol too.

“Another one of these please” Daniel waved his beer can towards you and you nodded in acknowledgement.

“I’ll have a glass of white wine if you’ve got one please” His mum asked, shortly followed with an agreement of his sister while her husband followed suit.

You turned your attention towards his dad.

“I’ll come in and give you a hand” he replied to which you gratefully accepted.

“Isaac what about you?”

“What have you got” he asked as he ran around the garden.

“Oooooo where do I start, fizzy drinks, fruit shoots”

“Why don’t you go with Auntie Y/N and have a look” His mum suggested to which he nodded his head and ran towards the kitchen while you and Joe followed behind.

You opened the fridge stacked with drinks as Isaac held his hands up for up to lift him up. You placed him on your hip as you went through the different options with him until he decided on some lemonade.

“Now can I trust you to give Uncle Daniel his beer without drinking it before you get there?” you asked. “And then I’ll bring out your drink with mine?” The little boy nodded furiously as you handed him the can and put him down on the floor before watching him run off. You grabbed the lemonade and wine from the fridge and placed it next to the glasses Joe had just got out the cupboard. You felt your chest get warm at the site of Isaac passing Daniel the beer and giving him a hug in response.

“How have you been” Joe asked, snapping you out of your little daydream.

“Good actually” you replied, “Really good”.

“I can tell” he laughed slightly at how smiley you were. “I take it you won’t be having one of these” he nodded towards the wine he has cracked open and started distributing between the glasses. Your evident shock made him laugh once more. “Don’t worry, I got you a wine glass for your lemonade, no one needs to know” he gave you a small wink.

“Is it really that obvious?” You asked him as you finished pouring yours and Isaacs drinks.

“Not at all you just have this unmistakable pregnancy glow, Grace had the same thing when she was pregnant with Daniel. I don’t think anyone else has picked up on it” you breathed a sigh of relief at his honesty.

“We were planning on telling you all today” you admitted

“I knew as soon as he sent us those pictures of you away on holiday, I don’t think I’ve ever seen him so happy. Grace insisted you’d secretly got engaged or eloped” you couldn’t help but laugh at his comment. You were so grateful for the relationship you had with Joe, and so was Daniel.

“I hadn’t even thought about that if I’m honest. We had the first scan yesterday” You pulled open the drawer to the left of you and placed it on the side. You knew you would have needed it close by to show the others at some point this afternoon, you just didn’t realise it would be so soon. His eyes filled up with tears slightly as he brought you in for a hug.

“Oh Y/N, I’m so happy for the both of you”

“I can’t wait to see him become a dad” you admitted as you buried your head in his shoulder in an attempt to reduce the tears.

“What am I missing out on here?” Daniel voice shocked the both of you as you let go of Joe and looked at the Australian walking through the kitchen towards you.

“We were just talking about how great of a dad you’re going to be” Joe smiled at his son as Daniel looked between the two of you slightly confused. “Oh come on she didn’t tell me I can just tell, I don’t know how your mother can’t. It just takes one look at the two of you to know there’s something going on. Plus, the last few times we’ve seen you, you haven’t been able to keep your hands off her belly. Usually they’re on her arse”. You let out a laugh at his comment as he gave Daniel a hug.

“Now lets go and eat, Dan can you carry some of these out?” Joe asked as you watched Dan slide the scan photo into his back pocket.

It wasn’t long before you all tucked into the food and spent the afternoon chatting about old memories and making new ones. A badminton tournament had broken out at one point, then Isaac had decided he wanted to go swimming so hopped into he pool with Daniel for a while.

It wasn’t until the sun started to set that you remembered you had dessert in the fridge.

“Ill come and grab them with you” Daniel stated as he got up from the table and held your hand as you both walked into the kitchen. The second you were out of sight from the others he pulled you in for a kiss. You giggled slightly at the taste of beer on his lips.

“What was the for Ricciardo?” you asked him as he hugged you tightly.

“What I’m not allowed to kiss my girlfriend anymore? The mother of my child?”

“Keep your voice down” you reminded him as he trailed a few kisses down your neck and collar bone. “Seriously what had gotten into you?” You giggled as he looked up to meet your eye, you could see the tipsiness dancing around them. “Your mum brought over some champagne for a toast to you leaving, I was thinking we could open it with dessert and tell them then?” Daniel nodded in front of you, almost immediately appearing to have sobered up as he planted his hands on your belly.

“I love you so much” he told you as he rested his forehead against yours.

“I love you more” you told him as you shared a kiss once more.

Joe began to fill up the champagne glasses once you’d both returned to the table as you began to cut everyone a slice of the cake you’d brought and it wasn’t long until Grace stood up with her glass in hand.

“I just wanted to raise a toast, to appreciating the time we’ve had with Daniel and to wish him all the best in the new season” Before everyone could cheers, Daniel stood up to and you felt your body become nervous with excitement as he held onto your hand tightly.

“Before we leave we just wanted to say how much we’re going to miss you so we have a picture that we want you to keep while we’re away” Daniel dug into his pocket and handed the image to Isaac first who was sat next to you.

“What is it?” he asked. You point at the small shape in the middle of the image.

“That right there is a picture of Baby Ricciardo” you moved your hands to your stomach and rubbed it slightly. “Who right now is sat in here” Gasps were heard all around the table as Isaac passed the picture to his mum.

“So it’s your baby?” He asked

“Mine and Daniel’s yes, it’s your little cousin” you told him.

“Oh my!” you looked over to Grace who was making her way towards you both with her arms wide open as you got up from your chair to embrace her.

“I’m going to be a nanny again” she cried as the rest of the table got up to congratulate you. “Joe get up your sons going to be a dad”

“Oh I know, she’s been on the lemonade all day” He chuckled. After the evening had come to an end and everyone had said their goodbyes you climbed into bed with Daniel and you both just smiled at one another as you realised that nothing was going to stop the love you both shared and that your baby might just be the most loved person in the entire world.

[let-it-raines]

What a Lie We’re In (1/3)

All Emma was doing was trying to be nice. Her roommate didn’t have anywhere to go, so she invited him home for the holidays. She thought it would be fine and Killian would be a good buffer for a week at home with her parents. That is until her ex-boyfriend showed up, and while she was freaking out, Killian told him they were dating.

That would have been fine except her parents overheard it.

(A Christmas Fake Dating AU)

Rating: Mature 

a/n: What? A holiday fake dating story? So original, you say? No one has ever done it before? Especially not me. lol. Forget all of that, and let’s jump into this trope-a-palooza of a holiday story!

Big thank you to @resident-of-storybrooke for reading over this and convincing me that I still know how to write ❤️

ao3: | HERE |

-/-

“Did you eat all of my candy?”

Emma opens another cabinet, looking inside to the wine glasses and tumblers, before closing it. She’s been keeping her bag of candy in the cabinet where they keep their plates and bowls, hidden at the very top behind some reusable water bottles. Killian is a healthy eater, always stocking the fridge with fruits and vegetables and food she doesn’t think is actually real food, so she didn’t think she had to hide her junk food that well.

Hide it, yes. Hide it well, no.

Until now.

“What was that, love?”

Emma slams another cabinet closed and turns to look at Killian. He’s walking out of the bathroom, chest still damp, and only has a white towel wrapped around his waist. When he first moved into the apartment six months ago after Ruby abandoned Emma to go live with Dorothy (live with, get married to, same thing), Emma was taken aback by the lack of clothes wearing Killian partakes in. He’s an attractive man. She’s not blind. He goes to the gym as often as she does, but mostly, he spends a lot of time doing heavy lifting at his job as a contractor since he apparently likes to be hands-on, literally. His body is toned, and the son of the bitch knows it. He also knows he’s got the face to be able to get away with a lot of…well, a lot.

At first, it was all disconcerting, but now, he could walk around with his dick out and Emma wouldn’t care.

What she cares about is where her candy is. That’s the real priority. But she knows Killian will try to use his lack of clothes to distract her. Never worked in the past, not gonna work now, bud.

“My candy,” Emma repeats. “Where is it?”

He wipes behind his ear with the small towel in his hand. “I wouldn’t touch the stuff. You don’t like the good candy.”

“Well, my good candy has been moved, and we’re the only two people who live here.”

Emma places her hands on her hips, staring him down hoping he will somehow be intimidated by her stare and fess up to everything. He won’t be, but Emma can try. They both have their tactics.

Killian clicks his tongue. “What about the fellow you brought home last week?”

“Do you mean the plumber?”

“Was that who he was?”

“You know I don’t bring guys back here.” Emma moves from the counter and opens the fridge, taking out a handful of grapes from the fridge. She probably needs to eat some of them and not candy anyway. As she pops one into her mouth, that’s when it clicks. “Your girlfriend ate my candy, didn’t she?”

He scoffs and keeps drying his hair, but she sees the way he scratches his ear. Gotcha, Jones. “I don’t believe I have a girlfriend.”

“What? Tink break up with you because you wouldn’t let her eat dessert on your dates? Wait, I heard it. Don’t make it dirty.” Killian walks toward her, getting in her space, and she knows him well enough to know he wants her to flinch, to move, to stop her line of questioning. That’s exactly why she doesn’t want to. Emma pops another grape in her mouth. “Did you eat my candy? Was it your way of wallowing? It’s okay if you did. I’ll take another bag for payment.”

“For your information, Swan,” he whispers as he places his hand on her hip, “we are no longer seeing each other, but it was mutual. She did, however, eat your candy when she was last here. If you really want to know, we used it to – ”

“Stop,” Emma groans, pushing him away and running to the other side of the kitchen. “Nope. Don’t take that any further. Some things should be left private.”

His head tilts back as he laughs, the underside of his jaw black with stubble, and then he’s reaching into the cabinet above the fridge and tossing her the bag of sweets.

Oh.

“I hid it after Will and Rob found it while we were playing cards last night. Will nearly went through all your milk duds before I realized what was happening.” He raises his brow. “You have something you want to say to me?”

Emma knows what he’s aiming for, and she isn’t going to give it to him.

“Yeah,” Emma says, “you need a thicker towel. I don’t think you want people seeing you when you look like…that.” She nods her head down and then picks up a handful of Kit Kats. “I gotta go to work.”

“Off to die inside at your cubicle, love?”

“Oh, you know it.”

Emma grabs her purse and unlocks the door only to hear Killian speak. “It’s December. How do you still have Halloween candy leftover?”

Emma shrugs. “I bought one bag to pass out to kids, two bags for me.”

“Bloody brilliant.”

“I do what I can. See you tonight. I’ll try not to wake you up from your nap when I come in.”

“That would be the least you could do.”

Emma rolls her eyes, but then she’s officially walking out the door of her apartment and down toward the elevator, a Kit Kat bar hanging out of the side of her mouth.

The thing about Killian Jones is that he’s simple to her.

He likes his friends, his job, his rum, and his women. There’s not much else to him, and Emma is okay with that. While her last roommate was her best friend, this one doesn’t have to be. He can just be a guy who pays the bills so she can keep living in a nice place and who, on occasion, talks shit about other people with her while they binge watch TV.

That’s all she needs.

And all and all, Killian Jones is a…fine roommate. Yeah, fine is an accurate way to describe him at least eighty percent of the time.

Even if she does get annoyed when he brings his dates home. But that’s only because it’s always on the nights she plans on going to bed early, and the noise of other people being around keeps her from catching up on sleep.

Emma is not one to mess around on sleep.

But yeah, he’s fine. Annoying as hell over half the time, but he’s fine in the small dosages she sees him in. He works odd hours, isn’t always on the job, and she is stuck with regular hours in her office. There’s not a lot of glory in working HR for a small engineering company, but that’s what happens when you make dumbass decisions like Emma did. She’s lucky she has a stable job. She’ll try not to complain too much about it.

That’s what she tells herself every morning when she sits in her car and stares at the drab brick building.

Money. She has to make money.

And hey, she gets almost an entire week off for Christmas next week, and that’s fucking incredible, even if she does have to spend it in her hometown with her parents and their Hallmark-like attitude toward the holiday and the events it puts on. Her mom is a teacher at the elementary school and produces the Christmas play every year while her dad is a vet and outfits all his patients in little holiday bandanas and bows. He even has a tree in his office decorated with bone ornaments.

It’s…a lot. But it’s family, and as Emma stares at this building that’s sucking the life out of her, she can’t wait to have a change of pace and some home-cooked meals, even if there are as many downsides as upsides to going home. Her Kit Kat bars aren’t giving her the nutrients she knows she needs.

Being an adult is not all it’s cracked up to be sometimes, especially when going home for the holidays is seen as more of a burden than a gift with a fancy bow on top. It’s more like that turkey that dries up and falls to pieces in National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation.

Well, that and the squirrel crashing every decoration in the house.

Happy holidays.

-/-

“Nah, mate, I don’t have any plans.”

Emma quietly puts her keys down on the table next to her front door, laying her purse down with it, and she kicks her boots off until they topple over each other and lay in the middle of the hallway. She can hear Killian talking, and it gets even louder when she walks into the kitchen and turns on the coffee maker.

“No, no, well, you know, I rarely do anything, not since Liam.” There’s a pause as the coffee begins to percolate and Emma grabs another Kit Kat from her bag. “I went home with Milah once, but that was years ago…no, mate, it’s alright. I don’t mind staying here by myself…yeah, I think Emma is going home to her parents.”

And that’s when she realizes what Killian is talking about.

Christmas plans.

He doesn’t have any. Emma didn’t know that. She didn’t really bother to ask. She doesn’t bother to ask much of Killian. She picks up pieces here and there, as she’s sure he does to her, but they mind their own business.

He doesn’t have a family to go home to? She knows he’s originally from England, but still. There must be someone.

“I’ll talk to you later,” Killian says. “I promise if I need anything, I’ll let you know. Alright, bye Scarlet.”

The coffee finishes, and Emma picks the pot up and starts pouring, filling her large mug halfway before getting hazelnut creamer out of the fridge and making the coffee drinkable. Killian joins her in the kitchen and perches himself on one of their stools.

“Good day at work?” he asks.

“Eh, it was a day. You?”

He shrugs. “The same. I’m finishing up on this house tomorrow, hopefully, so tomorrow will be a good day.”

Emma nods and sips on her coffee as Killian taps his fingers on the counter, the rhythm the same as the song he usually hums when cooking. “So, when are you heading for Storybrooke?” he asks.

“Monday after work.” Killian nods and keeps tapping his fingers, and Emma, stupidly opens her mouth because despite what her exes have told her, she does apparently have a heart. “If you don’t have any plans and have off work, you’re welcome to come with me. My parents are always thrilled to welcome more people. Just be prepared, it’s like a Hallmark movie up there.”

His eyes widen, the blue lighting up, and his upper lip starts to quiver, laughter very obviously waiting to break through. Dammit, why the hell did she decide to be nice? This is going to give him all of the wrong ideas.

“Why, Swan,” he smirks, leaning forward and resting his chin in his propped-up hand, “are you inviting me home for the holidays with you? You’ve been harboring a crush this entire time, haven’t you? I can’t say I’m surprised. I see the way you look at me when I finish up in the bathroom. Don’t be ashamed of it. Most women find me attractive.”

Emma flicks Killian’s forehead, and really, he should be thrilled she didn’t dump her hot coffee on his lap like she wanted to.

“I was just trying to be nice. You didn’t have to be an asshole about it.” Emma rolls her eyes and turns on her heels to walk away. She is going to her room. She doesn’t have to put up with his shit. “Forget I even offered.”

“Wait, wait, Swan.” Emma’s shoulders tense, and she doesn’t turn around. “Are you serious about your offer?”

“I mean, it would have some conditions in that you are a slightly less obnoxious version of yourself, but yeah, if you don’t have anywhere else to go, you can come home with me.”

“I’d like that.” Emma twists around, trying to size him up, and for once, everything seems genuine. “I have a condition as well.”

Idiot. “What could your condition possibly be?”

He winks, and she already knows this is going to have her eyes rolling so far into the back of her head they get stuck there. “Don’t go falling in love with me.”

What a cheesy ass sarcastic line.

“In your dreams, Jones.”

What the hell has she gotten herself into? This is absolutely the last time she lets her conscience guilt her into doing something nice. Emma was already going to be miserable, but now she’s miserable with a buffer.

At least her mom will be happy getting to go into hostess mode.

-/-

In the days leading up to them leaving for Storybrooke, Emma convinces herself Killian is going to back out of the trip. He’ll realize this is awkward and not a good idea. They live together, sure, but they don’t actually know each other. They’re not close friends.

But Killian never backs out. Instead he asks her things like what the weather is like there, if her parents drink wine, if he needs to bring his own bedding. He asks a million questions a day, and they continue when they’re in her bug making the drive from Boston to Storybrooke. He wants to know what her parents do for a living, what their hobbies are, pretty much everything someone needs to know when they’re about to spend half a week in the house of strangers.

Strangers who don’t actually know they’re having someone stay at their house to awkwardly sit on the sidelines as Emma’s family celebrates the holidays and has their usual holiday arguments.

Yeah, Emma didn’t ever tell her parents Killian was coming. She knows her mom well enough to know the moment Emma mentioned bringing someone home, her mom would have stopped listening before Emma could explain that it was just her roommate. It would have been this whole big thing, and Emma knows she can handle explaining it better in person when she can snap her mom out of getting excited about nothing.

Plus, who doesn’t want a Christmas surprise?

(Emma doesn’t.)

After Killian stops being one of those obnoxious kids who never stops asking questions, they sit in relative silence for the car ride, music entertaining them, and little by little, cities fade away and more trees pop up, evergreen forests surrounding them. It’s always the sign for Emma that she’s leaving her life and going back to her old one.

That and the “Welcome to Storybrooke” sign.

Everything about the town is the same. The buildings are small and kind of dingy downtown, and when she passes Granny’s, she bets those onion rings are the same too. God, she hopes they are. This is probably the only thing that can get her through this week. She should have texted Ruby and made sure her grandmother hadn’t changed any of the recipes. If she had, Emma definitely would have stayed home.

People walk down the sidewalk all bundled up in their coats and scarves, saying hello and chatting with others they pass. It’s the opposite of Boston where Emma can go her entire day without having to say hello to someone, and a little shiver runs down her spine at the thought. She needs to get out of here as soon as possible and to the isolation of her parents’ farmhouse, even if that presents her a new set of problems.

Storybrooke, Maine is, decidedly, not Emma’s favorite place for a hell of a lot of different reasons.

Killian, though, seems to be taking it all in with the wonder and confusion of someone who has never lived in a small town like this and who is a bit shell-shocked.

Get used to it, buddy.

“Oh, hey, one more thing,” Emma sighs as she pulls up to her parents’ street a few minutes later. “My real last name is Nolan. I changed it after high school, so my parents’ names are Nolan. The whole ‘Swan’ thing is a sticky situation for them even though it’s my mom’s maiden name.”

Killian’s eyes narrow, and she has definitely shared too much about herself now. “Am I allowed to ask or…”

“No. just try not to call me ‘Swan’ around them.”

“Whatever your heart desires, love.”

Emma slows down as the road turns from paved to loose gravel leading up to their driveway. There are several cars parked alongside it, and either they now own extra cars or her parents have friends over. Great. Just what she needed. Other people around when she’s coming home and surprising her parents with a guest. At least Killian will likely be that buffer she keeps hoping he’ll be.

They get out of her car, and Emma pops the trunk for them to get their bags. Killian grabs the bigger ones despite her arguing with him about it, but she’s fine to just carry her purse and the bag with presents. Emma closes the trunk, slamming it shut, and squares her shoulders.

This is fine. This is all fine.

Until ten steps later, it’s not.

Her parents have this incredible wraparound porch with swings and rocking chairs, and sitting in one of them is Neal Cassidy.

What the hell?

She doesn’t…she can’t…why is he here? He has no right to be here, no business being here, and seeing his face makes her want to vomit.

It makes her want to cry, too, but Emma can’t give him the satisfaction.

Instead, she’d like to sink into the dirt and never emerge again.

“Shit,” Emma mumbles, stopping and turning toward Killian who is looking down at her with an arched brow. “Shit, shit, shit.”

“What is it?”

God, she can’t believe she has to tell this to him. It’s too many pieces of her past in too short a period of time. This isn’t something she ever wanted to talk about again and certainly not to Killian. She was really hoping she never had to see Neal’s face again.

Honestly, she never considered it to be a possibility.

If only.

“That guy sitting on my porch is an ex of mine. And I’m talking about a bad ex, not one of those who you can be friends with afterward.”

“What the bloody hell is he doing here then?” Killian looks over her head to look at Neal, but Emma grabs his hand and yanks on it until he looks at her. “What?”

“Don’t look at him,” she hisses. “I don’t know what he’s doing here, but I’m sure it has something to do with my parents. Just…I don’t know what to do.”

“Do we need to turn around?”

“No, no, that’s pathetic. Just…maybe he’s going to leave soon, and it’ll be a quick hello and then I never have to see his face again. Let’s get it over with.”

“If you’re sure, Sw – Emma.”

“I’m sure.”

She’s not sure at all. Mostly, she wants to take Killian’s suggestion and run far, far away.

Once more, Emma braces her shoulders, and she moves forward. If she stops and thinks too much, she’ll chicken out. It’s how she is. If she thinks about something for too long, it ruins every bit of courage she has. Now isn’t the moment for that when this week is one that makes her need courage.

Maybe, Emma realizes, she didn’t invite Killian here just to be nice. Maybe she needed that buffer to keep her old demons at bay, even if just barely, and that was her motivation all along.

That really makes her asshole of the year. Well, after Neal. She hasn’t seen him in years, but he still gets the asshole of the year award.

Neal sees her before she can get to the front steps. He rises from the rocking chair and moves toward her. He looks older now. He was always older than her, but she can actually see it now. There’s gray in his beard and more lines on his forehead. His features are similar, but she swears there’s an eeriness to his eyes and a lie to his smile. Maybe those were always there, but Emma imagines she was blind to it all when she loved him.

Amazing how opening her eyes to love blinded her to so much else.

“Emma? Is that you?”

No, jackass, it’s some other blonde woman walking into her parents house.

“Hi, Neal.” She forces a smile that she knows is awkward, but he was never good at reading her enough to know the difference between a real smile and a fake one. “What are you doing here?”

“You’ve just seen me for the first time in half a decade, and your first question is what I’m doing here? Nice to see you too, Ems.”

It’s illegal to murder, Emma, she reminds herself. You don’t want to end up in jail because of him.

“It’s my parents’ house. I’m supposed to be here. You’re not. So, again, what are you doing here?”

He shrugs and ignores her. “Who’s this?”

Emma turns to Killian who is staring ahead, his jaw clenched, and he speaks before she gets a chance to. “Killian Jones,” he begins, dropping a bag and reaching forward to shake Neal’s hand, “Emma’s boyfriend.”

Emma nearly chokes on her own air and possibly her own lungs and whatever else is down there, and she’s stuck. Her brain and her feet and especially her mouth are all stuck. What the hell is he doing?

“Emma’s boyfriend,” Neal repeats, his voice incredulous like the fact that she could have a boyfriend is ludicrous to him. “Really?”

“For awhile now,” Killian lies. Wow. Has he always been this good of a liar? “It’s nice to meet you, but I think Emma and I need to get inside and put our stuff away. It’s been a long drive.”

Neal nods, but Emma catches his eyes glance over at her. What was that? “I understand. I need to get my fiancée from inside, but then we’ll be on our way.”

Fiancée?

Neal has a fiancée? Who is in her parents’ house?

What kind of upside down hell has she walked into and how does she reverse time and get back to the place where things are normal?

“Nice seeing you,” Emma lies, but Neal is already walking inside, leaving the door slightly ajar behind him as if it’s his house to go into. She quickly turns to Killian and hopes her face conveys the “what the hell” look she’s going for. And in case it doesn’t, she hisses, “what the fuck was that?”

“Forgive me, love, but you obviously didn’t want to see that man, and I figured there wouldn’t be any harm in saying that. You weren’t planning on ever seeing him again, aye?”

“Not if I can help it.”

“So what’s the harm in him thinking you have a devilishly handsome new boyfriend?”

Emma rolls her eyes, ready to take the piss out of him, when her mother comes running out the front door.

“Emma, you brought a boyfriend home?”

Well, that’s the harm, Jones.

-/-

Emma tries explaining to her parents that Killian isn’t really her boyfriend, that he’s just her roommate who came home with her because he doesn’t have any family, but she never really gets the chance with Neal still hanging around. That would be mortifying, so she rolls with it, hoping that she can clear it all up sooner rather than later.

But Neal never seems to leave.

His fiancée, Tamara, apparently teaches with Emma’s mom, and from the looks of it, they’re great friends. She can’t imagine any other reason why her parents would let Neal Cassidy in their house, but then again, they have always been great at doing the exact opposite of what’s good for her. It’s torture, and as the night goes on, it seems like it’s never going to end.

When are they going to leave?

When can she stop listening to Killian falsify their life?

She’s got to say that he’s fantastic at taking truths and turning them into lies. According to him, they met when he became her roommate (true) and got to know each other as friends first (eh, a half-truth). Then, slowly, feelings started to develop in the little moments, and they decided to give their relationship a chance (unequivocally false).

He’s got this uncanny ability to make everything feel…not ridiculous. She doesn’t know the word she’s searching for, but she’s sure as hell that Killian could find it and incorporate it into a story to make everyone here think they’re in love.

Emma has no clue how they’re going to get out of this without her parents being heartbroken because Emma can see the hope and happiness in her mom’s eyes. She’s over the moon. Her dad, however, doesn’t seem to be.

Of course this is how it goes. Her mom is thrilled because she’s not a spinster, and her dad is upset because she’s not a spinster.

“So what do you do, Killian?” he asks. “You need a roommate apparently.”

“Dad,” Emma hisses, wanting to sink into the couch, especially because she knows she’s the one who needs the roommate and not Killian. “Don’t.”

“What? I’m not allowed to ask about the man who my daughter is dating?”

“You are, but you’re not allowed to interrogate him.”

Killian places his hand over Emma’s on her thigh, and God, this really is the worst night. Why do people have to go home to family on the holidays? At least she didn’t automatically flinch at the feeling of Killian’s hand on hers.

“I’m a contractor,” Killian tells her dad. “I used to work with my brother. It’s his business, but I’m the head on projects now. It’s hard and unpredictable sometimes when my job is to make it predictable, but it’s good work. There’s a lot of good new housing popping up in the neighborhoods outside of Boston. Beautiful new construction.”

“What happened to your brother?” her mom asks.

Killian’s hand tightens over hers while his other hand scratches behind his ear. “Liam passed last year. Car accident.”

Mary Margaret places her hands over her chest while Neal and Tamara look at each other, obviously ready to go. Emma, meanwhile, tries not to act shocked. She should know this. She should know that he had a brother who died. She’s heard him talk about Liam before, but she thought…she thought he was alive, just that he lived really, really far away or something like that.

“I’m so sorry, Killian,” Mary Margaret sighs.

“Thank you, Ms. Nolan.”

Silence falls in the room, and it feels like a lot of her time in high school when she got caught doing something she wasn’t supposed to be doing. At least now she can have alcohol or drive away. One or the other, though, obviously.

Or she can go back to that sinking into the ground thing. That seemed like a good idea.

“Oh, would you look at the time,” Tamara sighs with a clap of her hands. “Honey, we need to go.”

“Won’t you stay for dinner?” Mary Margaret asks.

What the hell, Mom?

“We really have to go,” Tamara insists. “It was nice seeing you guys, though.”

“Oh, it was wonderful seeing you, sweetie. Good luck in New York. You’re going to be great at your new job.” Mary Margaret hugs Tamara. “Nice seeing you as well, Neal. You’ll fit right in, but I know your dad will miss you.”

Emma is so busy trying to take in all of this brand new information that she doesn’t hear the rest of the conversation. Through blurred vision, she sees her mom hug Neal, and yeah, Emma wants to go home. She wants to go back to her apartment where she doesn’t have to put up with this kind of shit.

Where there’s no Neal and his fiancée and especially where her mom isn’t hugging her asshole of an ex and treating him like he’s a good person.

There’s a squeeze on her hand and suddenly, Killian’s fingers are wrapping around hers. That’s when everything snaps back, and she realizes Neal is telling her goodbye.

“Yeah, bye,” Emma mutters, putting on that fake smile again.

“Maybe we could go for lunch while I’m still in town,” he suggests.

Emma bites her tongue to keep from scoffing, but she can’t help the words that come out of her mouth. “Yeah, that’s not happening. Have fun in New York.”

Neal looks like a wounded puppy when Emma manages to look at him, but she doesn’t care. He shouldn’t have had the audacity to ask her in the first place, not after everything he’s done.

Happy holidays to them all.

“Emma,” Mary Margaret hisses as soon as the front door has shut and Neal and Tamara are gone, “that was so rude of you! You can go to lunch with Neal.”

“Oh my God, Mom,” Emma groans, letting go of Killian’s hand and standing up. “I am twenty-eight years old. I’m not going to go to lunch with the man who ruined my life because you don’t like being rude. Just…let’s eat dinner, and you guys can tell me what we have planned for this week. Killian is thrilled to go to the play. I told him all about it.”

“Emma, I still don’t think – ”

“Come on, Mary Margaret,” David sighs as he claps his hand on her shoulder. “Let’s get these two dinner. They had a long drive, and I’m sure they’re starving. You like ham, Jones?”

“Love it,” Killian says as he stands from the couch. “Can I help with anything?”

“You can get a wine bottle from the rack.”

They’re all going to need it. Or at least Emma is going to.

Dinner is, well, awkward, which Emma expected, but she expected the usual awkwardness of having dinner with her parents after going a year without seeing them. This is an entire other level. Killian tries to ease it. He’s put on his most charming smile, his accent coming through thicker with each story he tells, and while her Dad seems put out, her mom is every bit as charmed by him as Emma would expect.

That makes it all fine and good until Emma’s reminded that her parents think Killian is her boyfriend, and his place would go down in flames if she told the truth now.

As much as she would like to spite her mom, that is the last thing she needs.

“So, Killian, you can stay in Emma’s room,” her mom says as they finish up dinner. “I’d have you stay in the guest room, but it’s currently filled with props and costumes for the play. But you're both adults. Who are we to keep you apart at night?”

“The couch would be fine,” Killian insists, holding his hands up.

“Nonsense, you are a guest here. You need to be comfortable. Let’s get you all settled and ready for bed.”

It’s almost like she’s in a trance as her mom guides them up the stairs to Emma’s old room. She vaguely hears her tell stories of different pictures hung on the wall by the staircase, but she doesn’t really notice. Instead, she hangs back with her dad who does not look thrilled at the whole situation.

For some reason that offends Emma. As far as her dad knows, she’s brought a man home for Christmas. A man who she loves enough to bring home, which is not all sunshine and roses for her. Once again, she’s jealous of the people who go home for the holidays and know it’s going to be a happy time.

“You know, you don’t have to act like I’m sixteen,” she tells her dad. “I live with this man. I think it’s okay for us to share a bedroom here for the week.”

“What makes you think I’m not happy about this. If you’re happy, I’m happy.”

Emma stops at the landing and turns to her Dad, crossing her arms over her chest and staring him down. Or up. She forgot how much taller her dad is than her.

“Try a little harder to make that believable.”

David laughs and leans forward to kiss her forehead. “Welcome home, kid. I’m glad you and Killian are here.”

-/-

-/-

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[pamphletstoinspire]

Ash Wednesday - February 17, 2021

Lent (the word “Lent” comes from the Old English “lencten,” meaning “springtime) lasts from Ash Wednesday to the Vespers of Holy Saturday — forty days + six Sundays which don’t count as “Lent” liturgically. The Latin name for Lent, Quadragesima, means forty and refers to the forty days Christ spent in the desert which is the origin of the Season.The last two weeks of Lent are known as “Passiontide,” made up of Passion Week and Holy Week. The last three days of Holy Week — Maundy Thursday, Good Friday, and Holy Saturday — are known as the “Sacred Triduum.”

The focus of this Season is the Cross and penance, penance, penance as we imitate Christ’s forty days of fasting, like Moses and Elias before Him, and await the triumph of Easter. We fast (see below), abstain, mortify the flesh, give alms, and think more of charitable works. Awakening each morning with the thought, “How might I make amends for my sins? How can I serve God in a reparative way? How can I serve others today?” is the attitude to have.

We meditate on “The Four Last Things”: Death, Judgment, Heaven, and Hell, and we also practice mortifications by “giving up something” that would be a sacrifice to do without. The sacrifice could be anything from desserts to television to the marital embrace, and it can entail, too, taking on something unpleasant that we’d normally avoid, for example, going out of one’s way to do another’s chores, performing “random acts of kindness,” etc. A practice that might help some, especially small children, to think sacrificially is to make use of “Sacrifice Beads” in the same way that St. Thérèse of Lisieux did as a child.

Because of the focus on penance and reparation, it is traditional to make sure we go to Confession at least once during this Season to fulfill the precept of the Church that we go to Confession at least once a year, and receive the Eucharist at least once a year during Eastertide. A beautiful old custom associated with Lenten Confession is to, before going to see the priest, bow before each member of your household and to any you’ve sinned against, and say, “In the Name of Christ, forgive me if I’ve offended you.” One responds with “God will forgive you.” Done with an extensive examination of conscience and a sincere heart, this practice can be quite healing (also note that confessing sins to a priest is a Sacrament which remits mortal and venial sins; confessing sins to those you’ve offended is a sacramental which, like all sacramentals one piously takes advantage of, remits venial sins. Both are quite good for the soul!)

In addition to mortification and charity, seeing and living Lent as a forty day spiritual retreat is a good thing to do. Spiritual reading should be engaged in (over and above one’s regular Lectio Divina). Maria von Trapp recommended “the Book of Jeremias and the works of Saints, such as The Ascent of Mount Carmel, by St. John of the Cross; The Introduction to a Devout Life, by St. Francis de Sales; The Story of a Soul, by St. Thérèse of Lisieux; The Spiritual Castle, by St. Teresa of Avila; the Soul of the Apostolate, by Abbot Chautard; the books of Abbot Marmion, and similar works.”

As to prayer, praying the beautiful Seven Penitential Psalms (Psalms 6, 31, 37, 50, 101, 129, and 142) is a traditional practice. It is most traditional to pray all of these each day of Lent, but if time is an issue, you can pray them all on just the Fridays of Lent, or, because there are seven of them, and seven Fridays in Lent, you might want to consider praying one on each Friday. These Psalms, which include the Psalms “Miserére” and “De Profundis,” are perfect expressions of contrition and prayers for mercy. So apt are these Psalms at expressing contrition that, as he lay dying in A.D. 430, St. Augustine asked that a monk write them in large letters near his bed so he could easily read them.

Another great prayer for this season is that of St. Ephraem, Doctor of the Church (d. 373). This prayer is often prayed with a prostration after each stanza:

O Lord and Master of my life,

take from me the spirit of sloth, despondency, lust of power, and idle talk;

But grant rather the spirit of chastity, humility, patience, and love to thy servant.

Yea, O Lord and King, grant me to see my own transgressions,

and not to judge my brother; for blessed art Thou unto the ages of ages.

In the East, this prayer is prayed liturgically during Lent and is followed by “O God, cleanse me a sinner” prayed twelve times, with a bow following each, and one last prostration.

Also, on all Fridays during Lent, one may gain a plenary indulgence, under the usual conditions, by reciting the En ego, O bone et dulcissime Iesu (Prayer Before a Crucifix) before an image of Christ crucified.

Food in Lent

According to the 1983 Code of Canon Law, the rule for the universal Church during Lent is abstain on all Fridays (inside or outside of Lent) and to both fast and abstain on Ash Wednesday and Good Friday.

Some traditional Catholics might follow the older pattern of fasting and abstinence during this time, which for the universal Church required:

Ash Wednesday, all Fridays, and all Saturdays: fasting and total abstinence. This means 3 meatless meals — with the two smaller meals not equalling in size the main meal of the day — and no snacking.

Mondays, Tuesdays, Wednesdays (except Ash Wednesday), and Thursdays: fasting and partial abstinence from meat. This means three meals — with the two smaller meals not equalling in size the main meal of the day — and no snacking, but meat can be eaten at the principle meal.

On those days of fasting and abstinence, meatless soup is traditional. Sundays, of course, are always free of fasting and abstinence; even in the heart of Lent, Sundays are about the glorious Resurrection. This pattern of fasting and abstinence ends after the Vigil Mass of Holy Saturday.

As to special Lenten foods, vegetables, seafoods, salads, pastas, and beans mark the Season, in addition to the meatless soups. The fasting of this time once even precluded the eating of eggs and fats, so the chewy pretzel became the bread and symbol of the times. They’d always been a Christian food, ever since Roman times, their very shape being the creation of monks. The three holes represent the Holy Trinity, and the twists of the dough represent the arms of someone praying. In fact, the word “pretzel” is a German word deriving ultimately from the Latin “bracellae,” meaning “little arms” (the Vatican has the oldest known representation of a pretzel, found on a 5th c. manuscript). Below is a recipe for the large, soft, chewy pretzels that go so well with beer. 

by St. Thomas Aquinas Ash Wednesday : Death

By one man sin entered into this world, and by sin death.–Rom. v. 12.

1. If for some wrongdoing a man is deprived of some benefit once given to him, that he should lack that benefit is the punishment of his sin.

Now in man’s first creation he was divinely endowed with this advantage that, so long as his mind remained subject to God, the lower powers of his soul were subjected to the reason and the body was subjected to the soul.

But because by sin man’s mind moved away from its subjection to God, it followed that the lower parts of his mind ceased to be wholly subjected to the reason. From this there followed such a rebellion of the bodily inclination against the reason, that the body was no longer wholly subject to the soul.

Whence followed death and all the bodily defects. For life and wholeness of body are bound up with this, that the body is wholly subject to the soul, as a thing which can be made perfect is subject to that which makes it perfect. So it comes about that, conversely, there are such things as death, sickness and every other bodily defect, for such misfortunes are bound up with an incomplete subjection of body to soul.

2. The rational soul is of its nature immortal, and therefore death is not natural to man in so far as man has a soul. It is natural to his body, for the body, since it is formed of things contrary to each other in nature, is necessarily liable to corruption, and it is in this respect that death is natural to man.

But God who fashioned man is all powerful. And hence, by an advantage conferred on the first man, He took away that necessity of dying which was bound up with the matter of which man was made. This advantage was however withdrawn through the sin of our first parents.

Death is then natural, if we consider the matter of which man is made and it is a penalty, inasmuch as it happens through the loss of the privilege whereby man was preserved from dying.

3. Sin–original sin and actual sin–is taken away by Christ, that is to say, by Him who is also the remover of all bodily defects. He shall quicken also your mortal bodies, because of His Spirit that dwelleth in you (Rom. viii. II).

But, according to the order appointed by a wisdom that is divine, it is at the time which best suits that Christ takes away both the one and the other, i.e., both sin and bodily defects.

Now it is only right that, before we arrive at that glory of impassibility and immortality which began in Christ, and which was acquired for us through Christ, we should be shaped after the pattern of Christ’s sufferings. It is then only right that Christ’s liability to suffer should remain in us too for a time, as a means of our coming to the impassibility of glory in the way He himself came to it. (6)

by Abbot Gueranger Ash Wednesday

Yesterday the world was busy in its pleasures, and the very children of God were taking a joyous farewell to mirth: but this morning, all is changed. The solemn announcement, spoken of by the prophet, has been proclaimed in Sion: the solemn fast of Lent, the season of expiation, the approach of the great anniversaries of our Redemption. Let us then rouse ourselves, and prepare for the spiritual combat.

But in this battling of the spirit against the flesh we need good armor. Our Holy Mother the Church knows how much we need it; and therefore does She summon us to enter into the house of God, that She may arm us for the holy contest. What this armor is we know from St. Paul, who thus describes it: “Have your loins girt about with truth, and having on the breastplate of justice. And your feet shod with the preparation of the Gospel of peace. In all things, taking the shield of Faith. Take unto you the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the Word of God” (Eph. 6: 14-17). The very Prince of the Apostles, too, addresses these solemn words to us: “Christ having suffered in the flesh, be ye also armed with the same thought” (1 Peter 4: 1). We are entering today upon a long campaign of the warfare spoken of by the Apostles: forty days of battle, forty days of penance. We shall not turn cowards, if our souls can but be impressed with the conviction, that the battle and the penance must be gone through. Let us listen to the eloquence of the solemn rite which opens our Lent. Let us go whither our Mother leads us, that is, to the scene of the fall.

The enemies we have to fight with, are of two kinds: internal and external. The first are our passions; the second are the devils. Both were brought on us by pride, and man’s pride began when he refused to obey his God. God forgave him his sin, but He punished him. The punishment was death, and this was the form of the divine sentence: “For dust thou art, and into dust thou shalt return” (Gen. 3: 19). Oh that we had remembered this! The recollection of what we are and what we are to be, would have checked that haughty rebellion, which has so often led us to break the law of God. And if, for the time to come, we would persevere in loyalty to Him, we must humble ourselves, accept the sentence, and look on this present life as a path to the grave. The path may be long or short; but to the tomb it must lead us. Remembering this, we shall see all things in their true light. We shall love that God, Who has deigned to set His Heart on us, notwithstanding our being creatures of death: we shall hate, with deepest contrition, the insolence and ingratitude, wherewith we have spent so many of our few days of life, that is, in sinning against our Heavenly Father: and we shall be not only willing, but eager, to go through these days of penance, which He so mercifully gives us for making reparation to His offended justice.

This was the motive the Church had in enriching Her liturgy with the solemn rite, at which we are to assist today. When centuries ago She decreed the anticipation of the Lenten fast by the last four days of Quinquagesima week, She instituted this impressive ceremony of signing the foreheads of Her children with ashes, while saying to them those awful words, wherewith God sentenced us to death: “Remember man that thou art dust, and unto dust thou shalt return!” But the making use of ashes as a symbol of humiliation and penance, is of a much earlier date than the institution to which we allude. We find frequent mention of it in the Old Testament. Job, though a Gentile, sprinkled his flesh with ashes, that thus humbled, he might propitiate the Divine mercy (Job 16: 16): and this was 2,000 years before the coming of the Savior. The royal prophet tells us of himself, that he mingled ashes with his bread, because of the Divine anger and indignation (Ps. 101: 10, 11). Many such examples are to be met with in the sacred Scriptures; but so obvious is the analogy between the sinner who thus signifies his grief, and the object whereby he signifies it, that we read such instances without surprise. When fallen man would humble himself before the Divine justice, which has sentenced his body to return to dust, how could he more aptly express his contrite acceptance of the sentence, than by sprinkling himself, or his food, with ashes, which is the dust of wood consumed by fire? This earnest acknowledgment of his being himself but dust and ashes, is an act of humility, and humility ever gives him confidence in that God, Who resists the proud and pardons the humble.

It is probable that, when this ceremony of the Wednesday after Quinquagesima was first instituted, it was not intended for all the faithful, but only for such as had committed any of those crimes for which the Church inflicted a public penance. Before the Mass of the day began, they presented themselves at the church, where the people were all assembled. The priests received the confession of their sins, and then clothed them in sackcloth, and sprinkled ashes on their heads. After this ceremony, the clergy and the faithful prostrated, and recited aloud the Seven Penitential Psalms. A procession, in which the penitents walked barefoot, then followed; and on its return, the bishop addressed these words to the penitents: “Behold, we drive you from the doors of the church by reason of your sins and crimes, as Adam, the first man, was driven out of paradise because of his transgression.” The clergy then sang several responsories, taken from the Book of Genesis, in which mention was made of the sentence pronounced by God when He condemned man to eat his bread in the sweat of his brow, for that the earth was cursed on account of sin. The doors were then shut, and the penitents were not to pass the threshold until Holy Thursday, when they were to come and receive absolution.

Dating from the 11th century, the discipline of public penance began to fall into disuse, and the holy rite of putting ashes on the heads of all the faithful indiscriminately became so general that, at length, it was considered as forming an essential part of the Roman Liturgy. Formerly, it was the practice to approach bare-footed to receive this solemn memento of our nothingness; and in the 12th century, even the Pope himself, when passing from the church of St. Anastasia to that of St. Sabina, at which the station was held, went the whole distance bare-footed, as also did the Cardinals who accompanied him. The Church no longer requires this exterior penance; but She is as anxious as ever that the holy ceremony, at which we are about to assist, should produce in us the sentiments She intended to convey by it, when She first instituted it.

As we have just mentioned, the station in Rome is at St. Sabina, on the Aventine Hill. It is under the patronage of this holy Martyr that we open the penitential season of Lent. The liturgy begins with the Blessing of the Ashes, which are to be put on our foreheads. These ashes are made from the palms, which were blessed the previous Palm Sunday. The blessing they are now to receive in this their new form, is given in order that they may be made more worthy of that mystery of contrition and humility which they are intended to symbolize.

When the priest puts the holy emblem of penance upon you, accept in a spirit of submission, the sentence of death, which God Himself pronounces against you: “Remember, man, that thou art dust, and unto dust thou shalt return!” Humble yourself, and remember what it was (pride) that brought the punishment of death upon us: man wished to be as a god, and preferred his own will to that of his Sovereign Master.

Reflect, too, on that long list of sins, which you have added to the sin of your first parents, and adore the mercy of your God, Who asks only one death for all these your transgressions.

“When you fast, do not look gloomy like the hypocrites” (Matt. 6: 16). In the Gospel of the Mass, we learn that our Redeemer would not have us receive the announcement of the great fast as one of sadness and melancholy. The Christian who understands what a dangerous thing it is to be a debtor to Divine justice, welcomes the season of Lent with joy; it consoles him. He knows that if he be faithful in observing what the Church prescribes, his debt will be less heavy upon him. These penances, these satisfactions (which the indulgence of the Church has rendered so easy), being offered to God united with those of our Savior Himself, and being rendered fruitful by that holy fellowship which blends into one common propitiatory sacrifice the good works of all the members of the Church militant, will purify our souls, and make them worthy to partake in the grand Easter joy. Let us not, then, be sad because we are to fast; let us be sad only because we have sinned and made fasting a necessity. In this same Gospel, our Redeemer gives us a second counsel, which the Church will often bring before us during the whole course of Lent: it is that of joining almsdeeds with our fasting. He bids us to lay up treasures in Heaven. For this we need intercessors; let us seek them amidst the poor.

Every day during Lent, Sundays and feasts excepted, the priest before dismissing the faithful, adds after the Postcommunion a special prayer, which is preceded by these words of admonition: “Let us pray. Bow down your heads to God.” On this day he continues: “Mercifully look down upon us, O Lord, bowing down before Thy Divine Majesty, that they who have been refreshed with Thy Divine Mysteries, may always be supported by Thy heavenly aid. Through Our Lord Jesus Christ… Amen.” (9)

by Rev. James Luke Meagher, 1883

The fast of Lent begins on Ash Wednesday and lasts till Easter Sunday. During this time there are forty-six days, but as we do not fast on the six Sundays falling in this time, the fast lasts for forty days. For that reason it is called the forty days of Lent. In the Latin language of the Church it is called the Quadragesima, that is, forty. St. Peter, the first Pope, instituted the forty days of Lent. During the forty-six days from Ash Wednesday to Easter, we are to spend the time in fasting and in penance for our sins, building up the temple of the Lord within our hearts, after having come forth from the Babylon of this world by the rites and the services of the Septuagesima season. And as of old we read that the Jews, after having been delivered from their captivity in Babylon, spent forty-six years in building their temple in place of the grand edifice raised by Solomon and destroyed by the Babylonians, thus must we rebuild the temple of the Holy Ghost, built by God at the moment of our baptism, but destroyed by the sins of the past year. Again in the Old Testament the tenth part of all the substance of the Jews was given to the Lord (Exod. xxli. 29). Thus we must give him the tenth part of our time while on this earth. For forty days we fast, but taking out the Sundays of Lent, when there is no fast, it leaves thirty-six days, nearly the tenth part of the three hundred and sixty-five days of the year. According to Pope Gregory from the first Sunday of Lent to Easter, there are six weeks, making forty-two days, and when we take from Lent the six Sundays during which we do not fast, we have left thirty-six days, about the tenth part of the three hundred and sixty-five days of the year.

The forty days of fasting comes down to us from the Old Testament, for we read that Moses fasted forty days on the mount (Exod. xxiv. et xxxiv. 28). We are told that Elias fasted for forty days (III. Kings xix. 8), and again we see that our Lord fasted forty days in the desert (Math. iv.; Luke ix). We are to follow the example of these great men of the old law. But in order to make up the full fast of forty days of Moses, of Elias and of our Lord, Pope Gregory commanded the fast of Lent to begin on Ash Wednesday before the first Sunday of the Lenten season.

Christ began his fast of forty days after his baptism in the Jordan, on Epiphany, the twelfth of January, when he went forth into the desert. But we do not begin the Lent after Epiphany, because there are other feasts and seasons in which to celebrate the mysteries of the childhood of our Lord before we come to his fasting, and because during these forty days of Lent we celebrate the forty years of the Jews in the desert, who, when their wanderings were ended, they celebrated their Easter, while we hold ours after the days of Lent are finished. Again, during Lent, we celebrate the passion of our Lord, and as after His passion came His resurrection, thus we celebrate the glories of His resurrection at Easter.

During the services of Lent we read so often the words: “Humble your heads before the Lord,” and “let us bend our knees,” because it is the time when we should humble ourselves before God and bend our knees in prayers. After the words, “Let us bend our knees,” comes the word, “Arise.” These words are never said on Sunday, but only on week days, for Sunday is dedicated to the resurrection of our Lord. Pope Gregory says: “Who bends the knee on Sunday denies God to have risen.” We bend our knees and prostrate ourselves to the earth in prayer, to show the weakness of our bodies, which are made of earth; to show the weakness of our minds and imagination, which we cannot control; to show our shame for sin, for we cannot lift our eyes to heaven; to follow the example of our Lord, who came down from heaven and prostrated himself on the ground in the garden when in prayer (Matt. xxvi. 39); to show that we were driven from Paradise and that we are prone towards earthly things; to show that we follow the example of our father in the faith, Abraham, who, falling upon the earth, adored the Lord (Gen. xviii. 2). This was the custom from the beginning of the Christian Church, as Origen says: “The holy prophets when they were surrounded with trials fell upon their faces, that their sins might be purged by the affliction of their bodies.” Thus following the words of St. Paul: “I bow my knees to the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ (Ephes. iii. 14),” we prostrate ourselves and bend our knees in prayer. From Ash Wednesday to Passion Sunday the Preface of Lent is said every day, unless there comes a feast with a Preface of its own. That custom was in vogue as far back as the twelfth century.

At other times of the year, the clergy say the Office of Vespers after noon, but an ancient Council allowed Vespers to be commenced after Mass. This is when the Office is said altogether by the clergy in the choir. The same may be done by each clergyman when reciting privately his Office. This cannot be done on the Sundays of Lent, as they are not fasting days. The “Go, the dismissal is at hand,” is not said, but in its place, “Let us bless the Lord,” for, from the earliest times the clergy and the people remained in the church to sing the Vesper Office and to pray during this time of fasting and of penance.

We begin the fast of Lent on Wednesday, for the most ancient traditions of the Church tell us that while our Lord was born on Sunday, he was baptized on Tuesday, and began his fast in the desert on Wednesday. Again, Solomon began the building of his great temple on Wednesday, and we are to prepare our bodies by fasting, to become the temples of the Holy Ghost, as the Apostle says, “Know you not that you are the temple of God, and that the Spirit of God dwelleth in you (I. Cor. iii. 16)?” To begin well the Lent, one of the old Councils directed all the people with the clergy to come to the church on Ash Wednesday to assist at the Mass and the Vesper Offices and to give help to the poor, then they were allowed to go and break their fast.

The name Ash Wednesday comes from the ceremony of putting ashes on the heads of the clergy and the people on this day. Let us understand the meaning of this rite. When man sinned by eating in the garden the forbidden fruit, God drove him from Paradise with the words: “For dust thou art, and unto dust thou shalt return (Gen. iii. 19).” Before his sin, Adam was not to die, but to be carried into heaven after a certain time of trial here upon this earth. But he sinned, and by that sin he brought upon himself and us, his children, death. Our bodies, then, are to return to the dust from which God made them, to which they are condemned by the sin of Adam. What wisdom the Church shows us when she invites us by these ceremonies to bring before our minds the dust and the corruption of the grave by putting ashes on our heads. We see the great men of old doing penance in sackcloth and ashes. Job did penance in dust and ashes (Job ii. 12). By the mouth of His prophet the Lord commanded the Jews “in the house of the dust sprinkle yourselves with dust (Mich. i. 10).” Abraham said, “I will speak to the Lord, for I am dust and ashes (Gen xviii. 27).” Joshua and all the ancients of Israel fell on their faces before the Lord and put dust upon their heads (Joshua vii. 6). When the ark of the covenant was taken by the Philistines, the soldier came to tell the sad story with his head covered with dust (I Kings iv. 12).

When Job’s three friends came and found him in such affliction, “they sprinkled dust upon their heads toward heaven (Job ii. 12).” “The sorrows of the daughters of Israel are seen in the dust upon their heads (Lam. ii. 10).” Daniel said his prayers to the Lord his God in fasting, sackcloth and ashes (Dan. ix. 3). Our Lord tells us that if in Tyre and Sidon had been done the miracles seen in Judea, that they had long ago done penance in sackcloth and ashes (Matt. xi. 21; Luke x. 13). When the great city will be destroyed, its people will cry out with grief, putting dust upon their heads (Apoc. xviii. 19). From these parts of the Bible, the reader will see that dust and ashes were used by the people of old as a sign of deep sorrow for sin, and that when they fasted they covered their heads with ashes. From them the Church copied these ceremonies which have come down to us. And on this day, when we begin our fast, we put ashes on our heads with the words, “Remember, man, that thou art dust, and into dust thou shalt return (Gen. iii. 19).”

In the beginning of the Church the ceremony of putting the ashes on the heads of the people was only for those who were guilty of sin, and who were to spend the season of Lent in public penance. Before Mass they came to the church, confessed their sins, and received from the hands of the clergy the ashes on their heads. Then the clergy and all the people prostrated themselves upon the earth and there recited the seven penitential psalms. Rising, they formed into a procession with the penitents walking barefooted. When they came back the penitents were sent out of the church by the bishop, saying : “We drive you from the bosom of the Church on account of your sins and for your crimes, as Adam, the first man was driven from Paradise because of his sin.” While the clergy were singing those parts of Genesis, where we read that God condemned our first parents to be driven from the garden and condemned to earn their bread by the sweat of their brow, the porters fastened the doors of the church on the penitents, who were not allowed to enter the temple of the Lord again till they finished their penance and came to be absolved on Holy Thursday (Gueranger, Le Temps de la Septuagesima, p. 242). After the eleventh century public penance began to be laid aside, but the custom of putting ashes on the heads of the clergy became more and more common, till at length it became part of the Latin Rite. Formerly they used to come up to the altar railing in their bare feet to receive the ashes, and that solemn notice of their death and of the nothingness of man. In the twelfth century the Pope and all his court came to the Church of St. Sabina, in Rome, walking all the way in his bare feet, from whence the title of the Mass said on Ash Wednesday is the Station at St. Sabina. 

[finnofamerica]

I was tagged by @kabeswaters and @carolinesbookworld

​

on a scale of 1-10, how excited are you about life right now? 0

describe yourself in a hashtag? #toostressedtobedepressed

if you could do a love scene with anyone, who would it be? hmmmmmmm, Well that’s a thinker isnt it? Probably my long neglected love Dean O’Goreman

if your life was a musical, what would the marquee say? Hey get a load of this disaster of parental/abandonment issues. 

what’s one thing people don’t know about you? If I told you then you would know. 

what’s your wake up ritual? Turn off alarm, get dressed/shower, brush teeth, plan for day, breakfast, coffee. 

what’s your go to bed ritual? Brush teeth, use bathroom, put electronics away, make bed, crawl under covers, sleep. 

what’s your favorite time of day? 2am when everything is quiet and there’s nobody on the streets, best time for a drive. 

your go to for having a good laugh? John Mulaney, and stand up comics in general. 

dream country to visit? Finland for obvious reasons. 

what’s the biggest surprise you’ve ever had? Uhhh,,,, That my coworks actually like working with me. 

heels or flats/sneakers? Converse or work boots

vintage or new? I like both. It just kinda depends. 

who do you want to write your obituary? My best friend, she’s the only one who could do it bc I can’t imagine anyone knowing what she knows. 

style icon? I don’t have one? I just try my best. 

what are three things you cannot live without? Music, food, Skylar. 

what’s one ingredient you put in everything? Teryaki sauce

what 3 people living or dead would you want to make dinner for? My 4-H team. I need my girls. 

what’s your biggest fear in life? Working hard to find out that all of my efforts were for nothing. 

window or aisle seat? window because the aisle makes me anxious and I like the lights of cities at night.

what’s your current tv obsession? Ragnarök on netflix. It’s so good and you get to see Herman Tømmeraas shirtless. 

favorite app? Tumblr where nothing makes sense and the points don’t matter. 

secret talent? I’m pretty good at accents. 

most adventurous thing you’ve ever done in your life? Run away.

how would you define yourself in three words? Anxious, Loyal, Persistant. 

favorite piece of clothing you own? A shirt that my Music Teacher made me in highschool. 

a must have clothing item that everyone should have? a hoodie

a superpower you would want? The power to refill things. Refill my bank account, refill the bladder of someone who its annoying me, etc. 

what’s inspiring you in life right now? Spite. 

best piece of advice you’ve received? People keep telling me to relax so.......probably that. 

best advice you’d give your teenage self? Keep doing what you’re doing and you will get what you want. The pain you go through now will make you the woman you were meant to be.

a book everyone should read? The Children of Blood and Bone. 

what would you like to be remembered for? Working so hard that my body goes into shock. 

how do you define beauty? Who gives a shit? As long as you think you’re beautiful, isn’t that all that matters. 

what do you love most about your body? I got curves for days, sugar. 

best way to take a rest/decompress? I miss being able to walk down to the ocean, sit on a rock and just breathe. 

favorite place to view art? Well,,,,,,, a museum I suppose. 

if your life was a song, what would the title be? Oh lord.......... Um....... Take a Break. 

if you could master one instrument, what would it be? Bass, I’m already a bass player, now I just need to get really good at it. 

if you had a tattoo, where would it be? My best friend’s step father is actually designing my tattoo for my left shoulder. 

dolphins or koalas? koalas, but that’s probably bc I’ve heard of dolphines trying to fuck humans. 

what’s an animal that represents you? While I love foxes, I’ve been compared to a cat more than once. 

best gift you’ve ever received? Uhhhhh, considering I can’t remember the last time I actually recieve a gift.....

best gift you’ve given? My bestfriend loves snails, so for her birthday I got her a snail necklace that she wears a lot. 

what’s your favorite board game? Scrabble. I know a lot more words than my siblings, all things considered. 

what’s your favorite color? Green

least favorite color? Yellow 

diamond or pearls? Diamonds??

drugstore makeup or designer? Neither bc I don’t like makeup. 

pilates or yoga? yoga

coffee or tea? depends on the time of day, but both. 

what’s the weirdest word in the english language? Caroline mentioned Palindrome which I like, bc I love palindromes, but I raise you Aibohphobia which is the fear of palindromes which in itself is a palindrome. 

dark chocolate or milk chocolate? milk

stairs or elevators? stairs

summer or winter? Winter, early January, everything is dark all the time. 

you are stuck on an island, you can pick one food to eat forever without getting tired of it, what would you eat? Chili and Cheese over rice or Mac n’ Cheese

a dessert you don’t like? Flan

a skill you’re working on mastering? writing, and I should probably take advantage of my free time to actually learn how to play my guitar. 

best thing to happen to you today? I wrote 2222 words which not only is all twos but it’s also a palindrome number and I love palindrome numbers. 

worst thing to happen to you today? I realized once again that I will never make my father proud and he proubably couldn’t care less about me. 

best compliment you’ve ever received? My friend (I’m white) once told me that deep down inside I’m an angry native woman. (Which is the best compliment, especially when it comes from a native herself) 

favorite smell? Petrichor. 

hugs or kisses? I kinda find the idea of kissing weird, so hugs. 

if you made a documentary, would it be about? Probably what it’s like to be on the crew for a touring band, not the band itself. 

last piece of content you consumed that made you cry? The Hobbit movies. I cry when Fili gets stabbed every fucking time. 

lipstick or lipgloss? lipstick

sweet or savory? sweet

girl crush? Danielle Nicole and Haley Reinhart

how do you know you’re in love? ???? Love??? Never heard of her??

a song you can listen to on repeat? Africa by Toto - I know its a meme but I’m not joking. Other than that probably Use Somebody by Kings of Leon

if you could switch lives with someone for a day, who would it be? My “rival”. I don’t really give a shit about what she’s doing right now, but I would like to idk steal all her batteries or something to just make her life suck. But then again, she’d be living my life and she’s a psychopath and would probably try to kill me. 

what are you most excited for/about this time in your life? Having the free time to actually write and getting to know my best friend’s family better.

[anonymous-wolf22]

Fuck Yeah

1: Name   Kai

2: Age   22

3: 3 Fears   Fiance leaving me, never meeting him face-to-face, being alone with my thoughts

4: 3 things I love   My fiance, food/desserts, and animals ^^

5: 4 turns on   Hell, anything my fiance says to me, forced to submit, pain, and just looking at my fiance

6: 4 turns off   Talking bout my parents, my current life situation, thinking about a certain asshole, and my depressing thoughts seeping through

7: My best friend  That one’s hard.... It’s a tie between David and Kiana, though I’m leaning more towards David

8: Sexual orientation   Bi-sexual <3

9: My best first date   What first date?

10: How tall am I   5.1 ft   :’(

11: What do I miss   Triple Chocolate Fudge Cake

12: What time were I born   1:03 pm

13: Favorite color   Black, Red, Purple, and Blue

14: Do I have a crush   Yep :)

15: Favorite quote     I got lots

“It’s funny how someone can break your heart and you still love them with all the tiny pieces”

“I choose you. And I’ll choose you, over and over. Without pause, without a doubt, in a heartbeat. I’ll keep choosing you”

“The demons are back and stronger than ever. They are looking for a fight, looking to win, and this time, I might just let them.....”

16: Favorite place   Does in my fiances arms count if I haven’t been there yet?

17: Favorite food   They are all number 1 <3

18: Do I use sarcasm   Sometimes

19: What am I listening to right now   Criminal by Britney Spears

20: First thing I notice in new person   Hmm, the way they act, their personality~

21: Shoe size  Fuck, idk lmao

22: Eye color  Blue

23: Hair color  Dirty-Blonde  (Wish it was black)

24: Favorite style of clothing   I don’t know, I guess loose and comfy

25: Ever done a prank call?   Can’t remember

27: Meaning behind my URL   Don’t have one

28: Favorite movie   Fuck, uhhhh..... Deadpool 1&2    for now~

29: Favorite song   Lot’s,   Baby Don’t Cut - Bmike,   Anxiety - Blackbear,   Hold On - Chord Overstreet, and more fucking depressing songs <3

30: Favorite band   Hmmm.... Ramstein

31: How I feel right now   Eh, depressed, loved, horny, sad, upset, happy, it’s all jumbled up

32: Someone I love  My fiance~

33: My current relationship status   Engaged <3 <3

34: My relationship with my parents   I wouldn’t care if they died, not going to lie, I would do it if there were no consequences

35: Favorite holiday   Halloween ;o

36: Tattoos and piercing i have   Sadly, no tats yet. Only piercings I have so far, are my ears

37: Tattoos and piercing i want   Tattoo: A knife going through a skull with chains loosely wrapped around it   Piercing:  The tip of my ears

38: The reason I joined Tumblr   My fiance told me about it, and it was an easier way for us to chat with each other and send each other all of the dirty little naughty things we want~

39: Do I and my last ex hate each other?   I don’t know if he hates me, but I don’t know if I hate him, I’m just fucked up and confused

40: Do I ever get “good morning” or “good night ” texts?   Sometimes

41: Have I ever kissed the last person you texted?   Nope, but I hope to soon~

42: When did I last hold hands?   Hold hands? I think that was in 8th grade when my friend Kiana was dragging me away from the bullies

43: How long does it take me to get ready in the morning?  Like 5-10 minutes

44: Have You shaved your legs in the past three days?   Yep

45: Where am I right now?   In my cursed room

46: If I were drunk & can’t stand, who’s taking care of me?   Depends, where am I? In England, my fiance. Here? I don’t know, Kiana

47: Do I like my music loud or at a reasonable level?   Depends on the type of music playing, and also what it’s playing from, like headphones.

48: Do I live with my Mom and Dad?   Unfortunately

49: Am I excited for anything?   2024 :3

50: Do I have someone of the opposite sex I can tell everything to?   Yep

51: How often do I wear a fake smile?   Honestly? 97% of the time

52: When was the last time I hugged someone?   I don’t know, uhmmm..... think it was in 11th grade

53: What if the last person I kissed was kissing someone else right in front of me?   Well, that’s a hard one, cause I have yet to kiss anyone. But, say if it was my fiance, I would slap the shit out of whoever he is kissing, and probably shove a stick up their @$$

54: Is there anyone I trust even though I should not?   ....

55: What is something I disliked about today?   No chocolate

56: If I could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?   My fiance, I just want him in front of me and to hug him and never let go~

57: What do I think about most?   2024, Desserts, Fiance, Music, Pets, unfortunately, John 

58: What’s my strangest talent?   Uhhh.... Don’t really have any, I guess hiding how I truly feel inside

59: Do I have any strange phobias?   Is being deathly afraid of ants a strange phobia?

60: Do I prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?   Behind, 100%

61: What was the last lie I told?   That I was fine

62: Do I prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online?   I don’t know, they both seem a bit weird to me

63: Do I believe in ghosts? How about aliens?   Ghosts, yes. Aliens? I don’t know

64: Do I believe in magic?   Who knows

65: Do I believe in luck?   Sometimes

66: What’s the weather like right now?   Clear

67: What was the last book I’ve read?   A fan-fiction of RWBY

68: Do I like the smell of gasoline?   Yesssss

69: Do I have any nicknames?   K

70: What was the worst injury I’ve ever had?   My arm twisting completely around

71: Do I spend money or save it?   Save

72: Can I touch my nose with a tongue?   Nope :(

73: Is there anything pink in 10 feet from me?   Eww, fuck noooo

74: Favorite animal?   Entire Cat family and wolves

75: What was I doing last night at 12 AM?   Watching “Love 020″ on Netflix

76: What do I think is Satan’s last name is?   Hmmm.... I have no clue, never really thought about it

77: What’s a song that always makes me happy when I hear it?   Lots, but, definitely this one:   Dream of You - Camila Cabello and Battle Scars - Lupe Fiasco

78: How can you win my heart?   Be mindful of how I truly feel, care for me like no one ever has, be a dominant

79: What would I want to be written on my tombstone?   "I had so many battle scars from my war, but my love healed them away~”

80: What is my favorite word?   Chocolate

81: My top 5 blogs on tumblr   @thelonewolf84  @we-are-beautiful-s0uls @britishdom 

82: If the whole world were listening to me right now, what would I say?   I don’t give a fuck what you think about who I love

83: Do I have any relatives in jail?   Yeah, my bio-father

84: I accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow me with the super-power of my choice! What is that power?   Invisibility

85: What would be a question I’d be afraid to tell the truth on?   What my thoughts are about my ex or how I feel towards him or what I would say if I was allowed the chance to ask him 1 thing

86: What is my current desktop picture?   I have it on shuffle, but currently it’s on a picture of an anime boy playing the piano in the rain

87: Had sex?   Not yet ;)

88: Bought condoms?   Nope

89: Gotten pregnant?  Do I seriously need to answer that?

90: Failed a class?   Yes.... I think

91: Kissed a boy?   Not yet ;)

92: Kissed a girl?   Nope

93: Have I ever kissed somebody in the rain?   Haven’t kissed anyone!!! Omg

94: Had job?   Not yet

95: Left the house without my wallet?   What wallet?

96: Bullied someone on the internet?   Fuck no!

97: Had sex in public?    -sigh-

98: Played on a sports team?   Yep, soccer and baseball when I was 8-11

99: Smoked weed?   Nope

100: Did drugs?   Nope

101: Smoked cigarettes?   Almost

102: Drank alcohol?   Mhm

103: Am I a vegetarian/vegan?   Fuck no! I want my bacon and kielbasa!!!

104: Been overweight?   Nope

105: Been underweight?   Currently am

106: Been to a wedding?   Yep, my aunts

107: Been on the computer for 5 hours straight?   Yes lol, longer

108: Watched TV for 5 hours straight?    Yes lol, longer

109: Been outside my home country?   Not yet

110: Gotten my heart broken?   ....yes.....

111: Been to a professional sports game?   I...think so....?

112: Broken a bone?   Many, many times. I was very clumsy in my teens, I still am but have yet to break any bones so far

113: Cut myself?   Yes and yes, to both ways

114: Been to prom?   No, skipped it

115: Been in airplane?   -shivers-  Too scared to be in one, but I will have to when I go to England

116: Fly by helicopter?   Nope

117: What concerts have I been to?   None

118: Had a crush on someone of the same sex?   Yep

119: Learned another language?   Mhm, spanish

120: Wore make up?   No

121: Lost my virginity before I was 18?    Still a virgin.....

122: Had oral sex?   Nope

123: Dyed my hair?   Want to

124: Voted in a presidential election?    Nope, fuck politics

125: Rode in an ambulance?   Yep

126: Had a surgery?   Mhm

127: Met someone famous?    Nope

128: Stalked someone on a social network?   Hehe....yeah lol

129: Peed outside?    I don’t remember if I have or have not

130: Been fishing?   Yes... My instructor ate the worms ;-;

131: Helped with charity?   Yep ^^

132: Been rejected by a crush?   Yep

133: Broken a mirror?   Yeah

134: What do I want for birthday?   Depends, which birthday? This year, Triple Chocolate Fudge cake. 2024, to be in my fiance’s arms~

[honeycoloredcorduroy]

Cakes and Ties - Part 5

Title: Cakes and Ties

Summary: “Logan Sanders is a divorce lawyer given the task of being his twin brother Roman's best man for his wedding. He doesn't care for the endeavor much, although Roman's fiance, Virgil, seems kind enough. Everything is going smoothly until he meets the peppy, sweet-as-can-be cake baker Patton given the task of being Virgil's best man. He's adorable, irresistible, and excites Logan in a way that he hasn't felt since the accident.”

Ships: Romantic Logicality, Romantic Prinxiety

Word Count: 1863

Warnings:  Warnings: Minor character death, mild alcohol consumption, swearing, food, divorce

Part 1 / Part 2 / Part 3 / Part 4

One Week Before the Wedding

I was out with Roman, Virgil, and Patton to pick up Roman and Virgil's tuxes, and to add some last-minute adjustments. Since I was Roman's best man, I had to organize just about everything. The seating, the venue, the music. All the jobs that Roman had given me were beginning to take a toll. I had barely slept in the past week, and Patton and I had stayed at Roman's place overnight the past few days.

After a few nights together, we began to grow a routine. Once Roman and Virgil had gone to bed, Patton and I would eat whatever dessert he had baked recently, and we would chat until dawn or til one of us fell asleep (usually on the others' shoulder).

Last night was no exception to our routine, to say the least.

The night before

"So, why are you a divorce lawyer?" Patton had asked me with glossy, tired eyes. He poured himself another glass of champagne, a gift from one of Virgil's family members. Virgil had then given it to us as a 'thanks for all that we've done'.

"Well," I stated, "I was a recent college graduate who pretty much gave up on any hope of getting married, and I studied law for four years, so the job was practically handed to me by a friend of mine."

"Who's your friend?"

"He, umm," I paused, considering how much I wanted to reveal to him. I then remembered what Roman told me, "His name is Emile, he used to be my... uhm, my therapist."

Patton nodded at that, not a single ounce of judgment in his eyes. If he wanted to ask me about why I was in therapy, it didn't show. His lips sat curled into a playful, content smile. The joyful glow that radiated from him normally was only enhanced by the buzzed feeling on my lips. It was a nice feeling, everything was warm and oddly comfortable.

I had tried to keep my distance from the cute baker, but he was so endearing. And the alcohol certainly wasn't helping. In the dim light of Roman's living room, he looked like an angel, with stars for freckles.

"But really, why did you decide to be a divorce lawyer? I mean, something must've happened, right?"

I sighed, contemplating. I had never told anyone, not even Roman about what had happened. Not the whole story, anyway. But somewhere in between the alcohol and my newfound trust for the soft, caring boy beside me, I found the courage to tell him. To finally open up to both him and myself about what had happened.

"I, um... It was about three years ago. I was in a relationship for a long time. I was committed. I was-"

I choked, even recalling the story made me want to cry. Patton rested a soft hand atop my own. I laced my fingers with his own, giving his hand a light squeeze.

"I was ready to propose to him," I saw something in Patton's face change when I said the word 'him' but I chose to ignore it.

"It was a Friday. Rainy. Our usual date night. We were supposed to go somewhere really fancy. Supposed to."

I paused, taking a moment to breathe, "We got into a big fight right before we left. It was something stupid, like who forgot to pay the electric bill. Things got worse quickly and we started yelling about other things, like why he was getting home from work so late, or why he wouldn't let me use his phone to make calls every once in a while. He broke and yelled at me that maybe it wasn't working. That our relationship wasn't meant to work."

I sniffled, taking off my glasses momentarily to wipe the tears away from my eyes. I set the lenses back atop my nose and adjusted the sleeves of my button up, weakly trying and failing to regain my sense of professionalism. Patton squeezed my hand lightly and I glanced up to see him with his soft, reassuring smile.

"He left and slammed the door to our apartment, our apartment, and drove his car out of our driveway towards his parents' house. He drove out of our driveway and drove over the bridge on highway I-90 and drove out of the way of a drunk driver and then drove straight off the highway down into the river below."

I felt tears rolling down my face and my glasses were fogged up from crying, "I was gonna propose on our date. I had the ring and everything. We had talked about it so many times, fantasizing about the family we were gonna build. We were gonna get married."

Patton pulled his hand back and when I looked up to face him, he had his arms wide open, welcoming me into a hug.

So long, so long I had spent building up a wall, keeping love away. I had skipped so many blind dates, avoided any and all efforts made by Roman to set me up with someone. The wall kept everyone out, and it kept me safe.

But when I saw this boy, this witty, kind, optimistic, wonderfully adorable cake baker with his arms open wide, I realized I had never wanted anything more than for him to hold me. I craved his affection and touch like my lungs craved air. As I stared at him, this soft, beautiful boy made of star-freckles and cookies and soft, loving eyes, I felt it all break down. Every last emotional brick I had put in place shattered, and I crashed into his arms.

He embraced me tightly, and I had never felt safer.

I buried my sobbing face in his yellow sweater, the same one I had first met him wearing four weeks prior.

"God, Logan, I'm so sorry. I... I had no idea." His voice was soft, and I could practically hear the realization in his voice, the puzzle pieces of my fear falling into place in his mind. The anomaly was finally making sense to him.

I hugged him tighter, feeling myself begin to calm down. I sat up and he gently rubbed my cheek with his thumb, wiping away my tears. I turned my head to face him, and the look in his eyes was so soft and so loving that I could feel myself melting inside.

Every bone, every muscle in my body was screaming for me to kiss him. I wanted to kiss him so badly it scared me. I hadn't wanted to kiss someone this badly since before my almost-husband drove off a bridge.

His hand was now cupping my cheek, and he was slowly leaning closer. I could feel my resolve breaking down. Maybe it was because of me opening up to him, maybe it was because of the alcohol flowing through my body, I couldn't tell and couldn't care less.

His lips were so close. They were just grazing mine. I felt his breath come in short, quick bursts. His hand was still laced in mine, and I could feel his erratic heartbeat through his fingers. I could lean forward so, so easily and let everything fall into place.

Then it hit me.

I realized how hard it would be to let myself fall in love again. I realized how painful it would be when he inevitably left me.

I realized how hard it would be to let him go, and I pulled away from him.

He seemed disappointed, but not angry in the slightest. I looked at him with tired eyes, and I could tell he understood. He opened his arms back up and I fell into them.

This, this was comfortable. His arms around me felt safe. Warm. Like home.

He ran his fingers through my hair and I felt myself growing tired. Roman had always told me I was a lightweight, but I doubted my exhaustion was because of the alcohol.

Patton shifted on the couch so that I was laying on top of him, my arms around his neck. He placed his hand on the small of my back. It was comforting and began to make me oh so tired.

"Patton, 'm sleepy."

He tugged my glasses off and set them down somewhere, "Then sleep, dearest. It's okay now. You're safe here. You're safe."

And for the first time in years, I was.

Present

So now I was sat with Patton in the waiting room of a wedding suit boutique, making small talk while Roman and Virgil finished getting their suits adjusted.

Waking up was... awkward, to say the least. Roman and Virgil were in the kitchen making breakfast when I awoke. Immediately after realizing where I was, I panicked and rolled off the couch and fell to the floor. We had managed to avoid the subject of last night for the whole morning, but the discussion needed to happen at some point.

I shook my head, pulling myself back to reality. I glanced over at Patton sat beside me, who seemed to be lost in thought. I coughed into my hand to get his attention, and he turned to face me.

"I, um..." I mumbled my words, nervous, "I just wanted to apologize for last night. I kinda dumped all my emotional luggage on you, and I'm sorry if I was too much."

He took my hand gently. Without the alcohol, I began to take notice of the smaller details, like how soft his hands were, and the kindness of his gaze.

"Logan, please don't apologize. You did absolutely nothing wrong. I'm so proud that you opened up to me about that."

"Really?"

"Yes, really!" He shouted slightly, alerting a few other customers scattered throughout the waiting room, and we chuckled at his outburst.

"Logan, it took me years, years, to talk about my mom. And even then, it still hurt like absolute hell. I'm so impressed. And I'm really honored that it was me that you opened up to."

I shrugged, "Well, of course I wanted to open up to you. I know I've only known you for a short amount of time, but I feel like I've known you my whole life." I knew it seemed like I was oversharing once again, but I realized now that I didn't care, "You're the closest to a sense of home I've felt in years."

He was beaming, tears pricking at the corners of his eyes. I didn't know what else to do at that moment, so I opened up my arms. He looked at me for a moment before throwing himself into me, crashing like a wave against my chest. His breathing was like the ocean lapping against the shore, soft and persistent. He giggled slightly into my ear, and I didn't even bother trying to hide my smile.

I knew me falling in love with him was inevitable, but I hadn't expected it to happen so quickly. But, for some reason, I was happy that it had. Maybe falling in love with the kindest, most extraordinary boy I've ever met wouldn't be such a terrible occurrence.

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[edge-of-bizarre]

how would fishlegs and rosethorn's wedding go? Would mama ingerman approve?

Long post about engagements, weddings, and impatient mother-in-laws

I don’t think there would be a wedding without mama ingerman’s approval. I’m pretty sure that Mrs. Ingerman has long since changed her hypercritical nature (perhaps an event leads to Rosethorn proving herself worthy idk, probably just time and she notices Rosethorn actually LOVES her son, love love loves, and she’s a good influence and you KNOW rosethorn gasses fishlegs up all the time, his confidence increases)

Mrs. Ingerman goes from iffy and of course, very critical of this new woman in her son’s life, to perhaps pushing it. I think it would be a “my boy is too perfect for anyone” to a “she loves him and will take care of him and if that boy doesn’t act quick-” Her once sideways glares have changed to a rather outrageous, outright proclamation that that girl will become an Ingerman by the years end (well… sometime in the future at least) Aka Lock That Girl Down phase 1. I assume Fishlegs prob lives with his mom, perhaps he moves back in after Hiccup moves in with Astrid (i just want hiccup and fishlegs to be roomies), and i think he isn’t too thick to understand this could be seen as lady repellent, therefore dates usually end at Rosethorn’s place or he picks her up there until she’s like “you… you live somewhere right” “…. yes” “… this is setting off a lot of alarms for me, so unless you answer correctly-” “i live with my mother” “… that’s it?”

Anyway! Rosethorn is part of the family the christmas she receives her first Mama Ingerman knit sweater (think the weasley’s) and then family dinners usually involve “Have you thought about the future?” or Mrs. Ingerman asking why for the love of god he hasn’t proposed yet. She is probably giving him her old engagement ring, or at least a family engagement ring the moment she approves because “i’m not getting any younger”, I think it would be a family ring, Fishlegs does get it resized as his gf is not the same stock as the large Ingerman clan, and more than likely gets it stuck on his finger in a moment of absentminded fiddling or what if she doesn’t like it? What if it’s not good enough? What if-

Fishlegs is anxious. He is nervous. I believe he would be in a place where there is no way Rosethorn would say no to a proposal, she is totally, completely in love with him, but anxiety does not allow for logic. I’m sure he has thought about rejection, but i think she definitely calms those thoughts through actions and so more of his anxious energy is designated to making this absolutely perfect. IT MUST BE PERFECT. It is an ultimate proclamation of love, besides the wedding itself, therefore it’s his forte, but it’s also so important he wants to get it just right. He wants it to be about her, and them, and probably talks Astrid and Hiccup’s ear off because they’ve done it before.

It takes a few tries. During the picnic he planned, it rained and he couldn’t possibly do it now. He stumbled and stuttered through breakfast in bed, “Sweetheart, are you feeling ok?” As Rosethorn puts a hand to his forehead because she thinks he’s ill as he tries to put together words. That was scratched off. He workshops and finally decides on a romantic evening, his mother knows nothing because if she knew she might blab to relatives. Maybe they go to the opera, or a play, something fun before a very nice dinner. @e–wills did a wonderful post on engagements here and she even included rosethorn, my heart, also took the words outta my dang mouth. Rosethorn and Fishlegs definitely have talked about the future and marriage and it’s something they both want, just a matter of when.

Fishlegs plays off the night as their anniversary (i feel like he’d come up with a lot of anniversaries… first date, first kiss, etc, eventually Rosethorn is saying let’s just stick to one as the big one) Rosethorn is delighted with the night, she’s smiling to herself because its so lovely, and she can’t wait to see his face when he unwraps the present she got him even though they promised no presents. So she’s distracted and not expecting anything more from the lovely little speech he’s made. I think if he was super nervous, she’d suspect something is up, but maybe once in his life he isn’t nervous, he’s excited, so she is completely unaware as the ring makes its way over via dessert. Lots of tears. A lot from him. He probably doesn’t get out fully what he’s going to say because of tears or because Rosethorn is saying yes before he’s even gotten on his knee and “wait- i wanted to say something” “ok ok ok- go-” “I love you so- you’re already crying? I’m going to cry now too!” it’s private, it’s romantic, it’s sappy and oh so sweet, lots of kissing and later on adult stuff, and he does make a dumb face she likes when she reveals the limited edition comic she bought (ben wyatt and the iron throne face) Rosethorn is beside herself and is sitting up in the early morning looking over the ring because she really should have seen it coming and fishlegs has so many tells, how did she not see it? he probably asked her if she still wanted to get married recently, and decides making breakfast is more useful than wondering about the other things she misses. 

I think they’d try to wait until morning, at least that’s what they’re going to say they’ll do and either are too interested in smoochin and being together or it’s 1 am and he’s rolling over to tell her he will die if he doesn’t tell anyone right this second.

Mrs. Ingerman phones anyone she can get, puts a post in the ingerman family facebook page, the whole family knows. Meatlug is very pleased, she drools plenty to show how happy she is. Mrs. Ingerman is planning the wedding already, she has a binder (fishlegs prob has a binder) of wedding stuff, she wants to be a big part of the wedding.

Rosethorn’s family is delighted by the news, they all like Fishlegs, they probably stop by because rosethorn’s mother had to “see it for me self” and her father is weepy. They’d be paying for it, but I also feel like Mrs. Ingerman would be trying to pay, “We don’t have the budget for that!” “I’ll pay for it myself then” Mrs. Ingerman has her standards, plus they HAVE to have the whole family. 

Rosethorn invites Mrs. Ingerman to come wedding dress shopping with her mother and friends. I think mama Ingerman probably is pulling a wedding dress out of the attic “it was my grandmothers” and Rosethorn politely agrees to try it on, but it is truly hideous, Fishlegs manages to say “Well… it’s white?” while Mrs. Ingerman is admitting it isn’t as trendy as she remembered. 

Both bachelor and bachelorette party are on the mild side, perhaps not so traditional, i think the girls treat themselves to a spa day coupled with a night out on the town, Ruffnut is griping about no strippers because she has a wallet full of ones but those complaints died when the hot masseuse comes in for her massage.

Mrs. Ingerman wants her nephew to be the ring bearer because he’s so cute, except he will only go by “Thor Bonecrusher” now, and promptly tried to eat the rings (fishlegs was giving the kid the side eye and keeping his distance cause this kid kicks him every time) and once the child proves himself a bad idea, Meatlug is crowned ring bearer, and is absolutely adorable, she is a good dog.

Wedding is early summer or autumn, when its not scorching. I think autumn just cause fishlegs’s designated color is orange haha, smaller wedding, but it’s still a lot of fun, the Ingerman’s are lively.

Rosethorn probably spends the night before the wedding with her parents, and Fishlegs is weepy already, and “I just want to give her a call- let me just call her really quick-” Rosethorn LINED his pockets of his tux (or if he goes for the kilt combo idk what the jacket is called) with tissues and he weeps more when he finds them with a hand written note and a lipstick kiss print. He’s nervous about everything going to plan, but he’s not totally nervous cause Hiccup and his mom are both there. Rosethorn’s father is very very clearly bawling. He’s a crier, her mother tears up a bit while he sniffs through words. I think they’d prob blindfold the couple for some words before the ceremony because Rosethorn said he’s not allowed to see her in the dress and so he turned around and said she’s not allowed to see him in the suit.

The wedding itself was short and sweet, lots of tears on both ends. Fishlegs prob hugged the life out of his father in law and mother in law, Mrs. Ingerman CRIED, the two held hands the whole time and the vows were disgustingly sweet, Meatlug did a wonderful job with delivering the rings, and the couple probably kissed before the I Do’s, they’re just very over excited. the cheer from the large ingerman family side was deafening when I Do’s were finally shared, and it is a smaller wedding compared to the hiccstrid and rufflout weddings, but it’s a pretty good party. The reception lasted a while, the dancing never seemed to stop so the newly weds were absolutely wiped, especially after greeting so much family. The wedding night included Fishlegs falling asleep the moment he got home, still in his dress shoes because “i’m just going to rest my eyes a moment while you’re in the bathroom” and Rosethorn puts a blanket over him and he manages to mumble “I love you so much” as she pulls of his shoes off (he undid her dress so she could go to the bathroom) Meatlug happily snuggled in between them and sleeps very well, and in the morning she is given a toy bone with peanut butter inside and is plenty distracted as the wedding night actually happens before pancakes, coffee, and kisses are served, along with plenty “Good morning, Mrs. Ingerman” cause there is a younger mrs. ingerman on the block now.

They honeymoon somewhere with historical significance, I can def see the two going to Ireland or Scotland, staying in bed and breakfast’s and going to see castles plus the landscape. Maybe Italy? France? They have a wonderful time and learn a lot and of course it’s romantic, they have picnics and see the sights. Meatlug couldn’t be more happy when they return. Mrs. Ingerman then begins Phase 2, which is grandchildren. grand kids aren’t too far off, don’t worry. Mrs. Ingerman probably wants Rosethorn to call her mom but it just won’t stick.

[betslangland]

Don’t Downgrade Depression

~The Long(ish) inside scoop on how someone with a rad life struggled with depression~

What depression is not

1. Sadness because of a situation…

-There’s a difference in ‘feeling’ depressed and ‘being’ depressed

2. Pin Pointed ‘feelings’ that explain your depression…    

-Those with depression can’t necessarily tell you how they’re feeling, they’re just lacking…

3. A lack of happiness in ones life or being a victim to life…

-A ‘lack of happiness may. In turn feeling sorry for yourself because of your ‘social status’.

What depression is…

1. Feelings of shame and insignificance…

-Shame, when you fail or mess up.

2. A lack of knowing…

-You may know something is wrong but you can’t seem to put a finger on it because everything around you seems to be fine, so you’ve convinced yourself that you’re fine too though you’re miserable.

3.Loneliness even though you may have the greatest support system and you may have several people               around you…

-You can have the most followers on all the social medias, the best of friends and an amazing family, but that doesn’t change the state of your lonely mind.

4. Brokenness/Failure

-You’re always finding fault with yourself because you could’ve done something better.   Depression isn’t something that should be downgraded. I used to be so flippant judging others when they’d say they were depressed when they had a happy life. (i.e. they had a lot of friends, they were close to their family, they had a great job etc.) I would talk so poorly about these ‘depressed people’ because they had it made. I’d judge them and say they shouldn’t feel that way because everyday is a blessing, they should be so grateful, they shouldn’t take advantage of this one life blah blah blah…..all the ‘feel good’ mantras. Though those mantras are accurate I was losing the whole picture.

I soon learned how miserable depression could be and how life draining it could make you so I no longer spoke poorly about those people.

Like I stated above, there are times when people claim depression but are just having a bad day, they broke up with their lover, their dog died, etc. I’m not downgrading those events, but that’s not what I’m talking about here and that’s not depression.

There’s a difference in feeling depressed and being in a depressive state of mind. Feeling depression is something everyone goes through in life. It’s inevitable, because life sucks sometimes, but being depressed, sitting in it and living that life is another story. I was depressed and didn’t even realize it. The things I had been facing, the lies I had been telling myself and the illusion of my life I had been lying to others about for years, I had convinced myself was the norm. I thought I could lie to myself and to my friends and family about how I was feeling to play off that I was always happy, because you’re never supposed to have a bad day, right?...Wrong!

Events in my life started to not line up with me anymore and I was so exhausted of being this person who wasn’t me just to please everyone else. When I reevaluated my life I realized I was more miserable in the time being than genuinely happy, and this was a problem.

I let my depressive state of mind become my idol since I was focusing more on the depression and the negative nature rather healing and on positive things. Like mentioned above I couldn’t pin point a significant ‘feeling’ of depression. Yes, I had many feelings during this time, but not one that led me to believe that I was  ‘depressed’. It was more of me trying to be a hard ass and shake off all the feelings and be tough. I learned first hand that if you don’t take a moment to feel those feelings and deal with them they will come to bite you in the ass later and be ten times worse.

You don’t have to have a rough upbringing to be in a depressive mindset. (Please read that again!!!)

I was raised in a great Christian family with more love around me than anyone could imagine. I was athletic and I was a musician so I was very busy, but somehow through all of the chaos of high school I formed bad mind habits of not feeling good enough. I didn’t feel good enough for my parents because I would end up getting B’s instead of A’s and I would hear, “Well, why aren’t you getting A’s?”, which I interpreted that as, “Why aren’t you working hard enough. Your hard work is not noticed. You aren’t significant because you got a B.”

Crazy I know, but that’s where my mind went.

My mother never ever said those things, but that’s how my brain interpreted them. Everything came back down to not working hard enough. I never felt good enough being raised in a Christian environment. In my household there was no cursing, no bad language, and no negative comments, but I’ll be completely honest with you in saying that cursing, bad language and negativity come pretty naturally to me, which made me feel like there was something wrong with me internally since I didn’t have a ‘heavenly mindset’ all the time.

The thoughts I’d have would’ve been condemned and judged if they were ever uttered out of my mouth. I would slip up occasionally and say a curse word soon being accused of always saying them around my peers (which I didn’t) and not having my heart in the right place with God (which it was).

So from there I felt a sense of brokenness, confusion and not being good enough because I couldn’t express myself in the way that came naturally. I couldn’t because ‘God wouldn’t approve’ and ‘Christian’s just didn’t speak that way’. My mother made it very clear that I had other believers and non believers looking to me to be an example, so every move I made was judged and Lord forgive me if I did something and it wasn’t under the approval of another believer and was labeled as ‘ungodly’.

But what if something ‘bad’ did utter from my mouth? My mom would assume my heart wasn’t right with the Lord and I’d be sent to my room to read my Bible. Sounds like a legit punishment to me that solved the ‘issue’.

^insert biggest eye roll (sorry Ma)

~Let me pause here for a second to clarify something. I love the Lord and I would NOT be here writing this without him. In saying that I am NOT disrespecting nor am I disregarding a relationship with God. I am wholeheartedly taking you through a snip-it of my childhood and how I was raised to explain to you how I developed my, “I don’t feel good enough” mindset and attitude. I needed to clarify because 90% of what I had explained to you was negative, but without that negativity I wouldn’t be able to write this for you today. Also, the reason why my mother raised me the way she did (right or wrong) was because she held me at a higher standard than anyone else in this whole world. She expected nothing but the best from me. Carrying on!~

Body dysmorphia, negative body image, self-esteem issues and insecurities started in just the fourth grade. I can remember it like it was yesterday. While sitting next to a girl in Mrs. Edwards’ class, comparison stole my confidence, which would haunt me for years. This girl, Emily and I were sitting next to each other in class while we were doing a fun activity. You know how your legs turn into the size of Russia when you sit down? Well I noticed that for the first time. But when I noticed my legs I also noticed Emily’s legs…but hers were smaller.

Hmmm, weird. We’re practically the same stature so why are her legs smaller than mine?

Oh…is this what fat means?

Oh how I wish I could shake that 4th grade Bethany!

Fast forward to 5th grade…middle school, when you could sill have a bunch of guy friends without people freaking out about it.

(^insert another eye roll)

In fifth grade I sat with a group of guys at lunch everyday and one in particular noticed how I hadn’t been eating the food on my tray so he asked me about it, “Bethany! Are you not hungry?? Why aren’t you eating your food?”

I state very snooty like, “It’s very unhealthy food and I don’t want to get fat!”

As adult as a 5th grader could be he rebuttals, “What?? Bethany, you’re in 5th grade. Why are you worried about getting fat right now??”

The only response to this question was trying to explain that I was planning ahead and how proud of myself I was for not eating all my food, because I remained, “self-controlled”, and “self-disciplined”.

But there was a HUGE issue.

I was SO HUNGRY!!

At this time my older sister was I high school and she was a 3 season athlete so she was always active. We had the same body structure but she was more fit than me because obvi, she was more active. My little baby brain couldn’t figure out why she was more fit than I was and why she could eat a candy bar and not feel shitty or not gain weight, but when I’d eat a candy bar I would belittle myself and tell myself over and over that I wasn’t good enough AND I felt like a cow. I remember asking my mom one day why she could eat whatever she wanted and my mom replied that she worked out all the time so she could eat those desserts and it wouldn’t affect her. I took this straight to heart and all I heard was, “She works out all the time, which means she can reward herself with food…”

Now I’m in high school and still (I was always the ‘big friend’ in elementary and middle school) labeled as the ‘big tomboyish’ friend. I thought I had kicked this title, but I was wrong. Being an athlete and being on the drumline didn’t help any…I hated the title. To me women were supposed to be very feminine, small boned, small breasted (which makes zero sense), short, quiet…cute little tiny tiny things and I was well aware I was none of those things. I was built durable (fancy terminology for “big framed”), I definitely did not have small breasts, I wasn’t feminine, I sure as hell wasn’t quiet, and I wasn’t a tiny tiny human. Men looked through me, usually to my other friends, and I associated not receiving attention due to my body structure.

I watched my food intake more so than most high schoolers. I exercised way more than what was needed, and I would assume never to shop for clothes because I would end up shopping in the men’s department because the shirts were naturally baggy. I remember having a boyfriend at the time and for years he had thought I was a very confident outgoing woman until he went swim suit shopping with me.

I was very hesitant about it because I wanted to remain that strong woman to him since he had no idea how insecure I really had been for years.

That was the first and last time he ever went shopping with me. I swore to myself he’d never go again because I was so extremely embarrassed with myself.

I cried.

A lot.

I just sobbed and sobbed in the dressing room looking at myself in the mirror wondering how I had let myself get ‘this far’. He kept knocking on the door to see if I was okay but I never let him in because I was so ashamed of how I looked. I would stare in the mirror and grab my belly and get SO angry that it was there! I would look at myself completely naked and ashamed and say to myself over and over and over, “You’re so fat!!! This is disgusting!” I would imagine if I could just take scissors and cut all the fat off. Then that would be okay! I just wanted to sit down without having to adjust my pants to cover up my belly!! I was so disgusted with myself.

But those feelings were normal, because every girl cries in the dressing room and thinks about taking scissors to their belly, right…?

I justified to myself that this was just a part of being a woman I had to get over and live with.

Now I’m in college.

Oh, college!

The 6 years I spent in college (YES, 6! I changed my major, okay!!) were the most trying, taxing, exhausting, fun, and difficult learning experiences of my life.

Now I'm in college and the uncontrollable stress of every day life and school was so great and so overwhelming. I'm a very type A personality, meaning if I don't have control over situations or I don't have any say over situations I tend to get anxiety and start feeling very vulnerable towards whatever scenario I was in at the moment. While I was in school I studied music education for four years until I switched to health promotion and business, which became my degree.

During my sophomore year in college my mother passed away from cancer. This undoubtedly rocked my world. What could I have control over anymore?

Now, for a type A personality having control is a HUGE characteristic, like I mentioned above. Since I wasn't able to control the environment around me the only thing I could 100% control was my body. This is when the disordered eating habits started to manifest and take control.

Before more explanation lets define these disorders.

Orthorexia Nervosa: "a medical condition in which the sufferer systematically avoids specific foods in the belief that they are harmful; an obsession with eating foods that one considers healthy."

Bulimia Nervosa:"eating disorder characterized by a cycle of bingeing and compensatory behaviors such as self-induced vomiting designed to undo or compensate for the effects of binge eating."

Anorexia Nervosa:“There are two main types of anorexia. Both types are characterized by irrational fear of weight gain and abnormal eating patterns. The restrictive type is what most people associate with this mental illness: The individual rigorously limits food intake, effectively starving the body of the nutrition and calories it needs.However, there is also a type of anorexia known as binge/purge anorexia, in which an individual purges after eating. Thus, this type of anorexia results in additional health problems, which are also caused by bulimia and binge-eating disorder.Another category of anorexia is known as atypical anorexia. In these cases, the individual meets some but not all of the criteria for anorexia. For example, they might restrict their food intake but not be underweight.”

I mentioned that I was essentially a control freak, but I didn't know that then. I can label these disordered eating habits as a control mechanism now but when I was in the midst of that way of life it seemed normal and imperative for me, like I was filling a void of vulnerability I didn't want to succumb to out of fear. This was a fear of being wrong, judged and rejected. I was fearful of judgment because I was the, "face of health" and the one who lived the "fit and healthy" lifestyle people would come to for inspiration and questions. So how crazy would it have been if I came out and confessed to how unhappy I was with my life and how I wanted nothing more than to eat normally and not exercise like a crazy person all the damn time.  

This wasn't an option though. People looked up to me and I couldn't be ‘normal’ like everyone else.

Though the 'healthy' lifestyle I was living was out of fear, it also came out of a place of shame and guilt.  

I'd feel disgusted with myself, utterly shameful, ugly, unworthy, and the biggest disappointment when I'd eat out of my 'macro or meal plan'. When I say I was strict with my food....I mean I was STRICT with my food!! Every single morsel of food I'd consume would be weighed and counted, to the last gram. If I had accidentally counted incorrectly or had forgotten to track a certain food my mind would be consumed with this failure and I wouldn’t be able to sleep and I’d end up doing extra cardio to ‘burn off the excess calories’.

(sounds crazy just typing it!)

I would eat 100% clean, with no cheating until I had planned a binge eating, "cheat day" or I was tired of eating chicken and broccoli and wanted something different because I could feel my sanity slipping because of the restrictions.

These days I'd usually consume copious amounts of food to turn around and feel the shame and guilt of "cheating" on my diet and "cheating" on everyone who looked at me as a health and fitness figure.

So I'd take ‘control over the situation’ and make myself throw up. I'd justify sticking my finger down my throat by lying to myself and convincing myself that I was sick and nauseas and needed to throw up because the food had ‘upset my stomach’.

I was lying. I didn't feel sick, I felt guilty, shameful and like a disappointment for not eating correctly...for 'falling off the wagon'.

What's messed up is that I felt bad for the foods I had eaten and not making myself throw up because I thought I was solving a problem. Twisted, huh?...  

I tried to act normal. I tried to be normal and eat out with friends and family. I tried to live out the 'balance' portion of health and fitness so people couldn't argue with me saying I was crazy or normal, but once I'd try I would always end up in the bathroom flushing guilt, shame and regret down the toilet.

Problem solved.

I remember a specific time I was having dessert with a friend at a restaurant and at this time I was in the midst of early recovery and I was tired of telling people no to going out all the time so I made myself go and ‘be normal’. The thing was I was trying SO hard to be normal it started becoming a chore and weird trying to be normal….(overthinking much??) Anyway, we went out and I ordered the smallest and the ‘better for you’ option.  I finished all of it and thought, “Okay, I got this!”. Nope I didn’t. I went to the bathroom (I actually had to go) and it felt like a drug…

A good analogy would be putting a recovering pill popper in a room full of hydrocodone…

It just doesn’t work.

Sooner than later I found myself over the toilet.

I walked back over to my friend red faced, watery eyes, chattering teeth, a broken heart and disappointment and she had no idea.  

Through this time I had zero confidence.

Zero confidence in my intelligence, my body, my mind, my music and my relationships. Just like any other insecure college woman I'd look for confidence through comments from men and that only led me down a road of seeking validation from other people and accepting sexual comments because I wanted to feel sexy and beautiful.

During these phases of dieting I decided to do a bodybuilding show.

To give you a little insight on my training I was consuming 800 calories a day, 1,000 calories on 'high carb days', while doing an hour on the stair master in morning and training in the evening after school. To put 1000 calories into perspective, that would be equivalent to one crispy chicken sandwich with a medium fry from McDonalds.  After a few months of this style of training I had lost a significant amount of weight....

Goals, right?!!

Wrong.

I had no boobs, no ass, my upper body was bony, I hadn't had a period in a year (which was caused by disordered eating), I would go weeks without having a bowel movement, and the only thing I could do recreationally was sleep because I was extremely miserable, exhausted and fatigued. I couldn’t form a complete sentence without concentrating because of the lack of nutrition going to my brain.

Kind of scary.

Though I wanted so desperately to eat what my friends were eating, I had an unusual sense of pride that I had to bring my own meals into restaurants or simply not eat and celebrate with my friends and family. Kind of like, "I'm better than you because I have better self-control...".  

Awful, I know!!

But the health and fitness industry is glorified for self-discipline and I was bound and determined to be the best and when I want to be the best nothing can stop me.

While training for the competition I would workout with my trainer and she would weight me about once a week. There were times when my goal would be to lose 4lbs in one week.

Do you understand how crazy that is??

Anyway, I’d come back the following week doing exactly what she wanted me to do and I’d step on the scale and sometimes I wouldn’t have dropped any weight or I would have dropped two pounds, which was completely unacceptable.

She’d stare at the number, shake her head and say, “You’re doing something wrong. You’re too big. You’re not losing enough weight.”

Can you imagine someone saying that to you??

She would accuse me of cheating on the diet, which as much as I hated that 8x11 eating disorder, I never once cheated on that god awful diet. She wouldn’t believe me because I wasn’t losing 4 pounds a week.

Those comments and the unbelief in me weighed heavy on my heart because I gave 100% during my prep! I hated every second of it but I was committed so I couldn’t quit!

It’s competition day. Oh boy.

I knew I wasn’t going to place because the girls were much much smaller than me and you could tell this hadn’t been their first show.

I walked backstage to setup my little secluded corner, because I honestly didn’t want to talk to anyone. I just wanted a weeks worth of sleep and food. Lots and lots of food.

I finally setup my corner and I was looking at the rest of the girls get ready and I had something come over me…

“These girls look like the pictures I had on my wall when I was in high school….the fitness models I wanted to look like…” because ‘hard-work’ and ‘dedication’ would get you a 6 pack.

All that these girls could talk about was their hunger, tilapia, how much water they had to cut, how many diuretics they had to take and what they were going to eat after the show.

My mind started piecing things together while I was backstage. “These girls aren’t healthy…..they’re just shredded hungry girls.”

Right then and there my mind changed forever! I was angry and relieved all at the same time. I was angry because I felt like I had been lied to for years through magazines and the internet when women were being portrayed as ‘fit’. I was relieved because IT WASN’T REAL!!!! I didn’t feel like I had to be some skinny bitch that only ate spinach, tilapia, chicken and rice forever because nobody actually liked it and no one WANTED to do it!!

If these girls didn’t WANT to do it and it didn’t make them happy then why in the hell were they doing it?? Were there aesthetics more important and more valued than their time with family celebrating a birthday party, or a boyfriends birthday dinner?

I can recall this mental breakthrough like it was yesterday.

This is when my mindset started to become unveiled and all the lies from the health and fitness industry were becoming revealed and I was disgusted and I wanted to make a change right then!

I went into this body building competition with a very negative mindset because I hated everything about me. See, my goal throughout my fitness journey was the same as numerous other women…lose the belly and get skinny. To my surprise even after all the dieting and weight loss I still had a little bit of a belly. I was so confused!

After dieting for so long I was now lethargic, anemic, insecure though I had lost so much weight and I had the title of a ‘body builder’, hungry, exhausted, always sick, and even more miserable mentally than when I began this journey.

I thought, So after ALL that I sill don’t have what I worked my ass off for AND I’m even worse off?.....What was I missing?

And then I heard something so profound to me that put my mind into another dimension of thinking… Life should NOT be about weight loss, food, counting calories or your physique. Life has so much more to offer and you as a person have so much to offer other than how you look….Oh wow!!!

This mindset changed my life forever.

I thought I could deal with myself emotionally after my body building show so I decided to hire an online powerlifting coach who agreed that the way I dieted was destructive. We talked over the phone and she set me up with a training schedule and macros to start with after my show.

I was ecstatic to be lifting heavy again and to be eating yummy foods!

I thought I had a grip on the disordered eating habits because I was on the track to counting macros again! Yay!

A few months into powerlifting I was regaining strength back and gaining my weight back, which I was mentally ready for because my stage weight was unrealistic and I was okay with it because I needed the extra weight to lift heavy.

I had to check-in with my powerlifting coach each week with my macros for the day, my lifts and my weight for every day. I would reluctantly get on that scale but I did it because I had to. She started cutting my macros down bit by bit each week and I could feel myself start to panic. I would anxiously open my email to see if she had given me permission to eat more that week or I still had to cut down. I began hating check-ins. I was spending 1.5-2 hours in the gym every single day and I was exhausted.

Because of my body building experience I had downloaded helpful podcasts hosted by women who’ve been in the same place mentally as I had been in, but little did I know that I was still in the negative mental mindset when it came to my eating habits.

I was on my way to see my boyfriend at the time and I was headed to the gym but I was going to see him first. I was dreading going, but I couldn’t have any days off and I had to go so I didn’t have a choice.

I was listening to one particular podcast about the hosts’ experience with eating disorders and the breakdown and breakthrough she had gone through. She discussed the prep she went through and how awful it was (same), how she didn’t have a period (same), how she gave up time with her friends and family (same), how she gloated in the fact of having more ‘self-discipline’ when it came to not eating ‘bad’ foods (same), how she was still insecure with herself after the body building show even though she lost a lot of weight (same), how she didn’t have boobs and it made her insecure about her femininity (same), how she felt deprived of every food even healthy foods because she wasn’t ‘allowed’ to eat those things (same), how she was lethargic all the time (same), how she had 0 sex drive (same), how all she could do was sleep because she was so exhausted (same)………..the list goes on and on!

She stated in her podcast that once she realized there was an issue she told her mother in hopes for accountability and help towards her recovery,

“Once I told my mother about my disordered eating she knew something was going wrong and she told me that food had became my idol which means food was more important than anything else, including God.”

When I heard these words coming out of my radio and after all the mental connections I had made with this girl via podcast, I broke down. Every vulnerability I had at the moment was broken down by those words. My walls had been completely torn down. All I could do was cry.

How could I have let myself get to this point?

How could I have I let myself get so unhealthy?

How could I have lied to so many people?

How could I have lied to myself for so many years?

My world changed dramatically! I didn’t go to the gym that day because I talked to my boyfriend about my struggles. He knew I had been struggling all along so he wasn’t surprised when I came out and explained how miserable I actually had been.

-Side note: I am a problem solver. Once I have found a problem, I will fix it. I won’t spend time relishing over the problem, I will go above and beyond to fix whatever the issue might be.

I talked to my former boyfriend about the steps I should take and if I should email my coach and explain to her that I couldn’t continue training with her and how I needed time to heal and recover from this disordered mindset. This was by far one of the scariest things I’ve ever done. I’ve ALWAYS had a training schedule! Not once have I gone into the gym and didn’t know exactly what I was going to do for that workout session. I was organized, I planned everything and I was prepared.

Now…I felt vulnerable, unorganized and I had a lack of preparation because someone wasn’t planning my workouts. I was confused.

I decided to shoot my coach a long and detailed email explaining why I couldn’t continue working with her. I was so nervous that once I received an email back I never opened it. I still haven’t.

After sending an email to my coach I knew I had to tell my family….

I sat down and wrote 5 pages worth of struggles, events and fear that was driven by the eating disorder. I copied 3; two for my sisters and 1 for my dad. God, this was so hard. They were so supportive and loved on me unconditionally.

I couldn’t have asked for a better support system.

I struggled to change. It was so hard. I knew I had an issue that needed to be dealt with and fixed so I became obsessed with change. I started listening to podcasts that dealt with struggling with eating disorders and the first thing they would suggest for recovery is telling your closest friends and family.

Oh, Lord.

I read numerous self-help books, specifically for eating disorders. I cleaned out my FB feed and IG feed of anything and everything that made me have comparison (i.e. bodybuilding account, IG stars who were fit, macro and ‘clean eating’ accounts) because I now knew this wasn’t reality, I journaled every single day about my thoughts towards recovery. I had no idea what hunger was. I couldn’t pin point when I was hungry, what I wanted to eat or when I should eat. I had been under macro counting and eating under an eating plan for so long I hadn’t ever had to think for myself when it came to food.

I was lost.

My dad would get so frustrated with me because I couldn’t tell him when I was hungry. I couldn’t be mad at him because he had zero comprehension of my struggles or my mindset with food. His thoughts, just like any normal person, would be, my stomach is growling…I must be hungry…I’m going to eat now. Instead of mine, which was, My stomach is growling…does that mean I should eat or I should drink more water?....What should I eat if I did end up eating?...I didn’t work out so I probably shouldn’t eat a lot…Maybe I should just eat some vegetables or protein…But that doesn’t sound good…What sounds good?....Pancakes…That sounds good, but there’s no nutritional value in pancakes, there’s too much sugar, there’s no protein and all I’d want to do is slather it in peanut butter, and peanut butter has way too much fat…I also don’t have any sugar free syrup, which sugar free isn’t even good for you so I probably shouldn’t eat that anyway….I don’t even have the protein pancakes brand mix so it would just be the regular pancake mix and I can’t have that because it has too many carbs…….I can go on and on.

It was exhausting.

Eating should be simple, but it definitely wasn’t.

This was the longest progression of recovery. After telling my family I started documenting everything on Twitter, Tumblr, my business FB page and IG. I knew that if I had been dealing with these issues I knew that someone else had been dealing with them as well. I wanted to be that person who brought freedom and a great message to someone who needed it. I wanted to be able to tell these women that they are worth it and they make a difference despite the lies they’ve been telling themselves.

I worked so hard on my recovery!

Coupled with journaling and posting on social media I practiced words of affirmation. And when I say I practiced words of affirmation, I mean I spent hours writing phrases of ‘who I was’ and words proclaiming victory all over my mirror in my bathroom. I took white copy paper and on each piece of paper I wrote something different, something uplifting and motivating. I covered half of my mirror in my bathroom so I could see them and say them to myself everyday.

I had a ritual. Every morning I’d stand in front of my mirror (not looking at myself) and would say each phrase on those pieces of paper.

Did I believe the words coming out of my mouth at the time?

HELL NO…

But did I do it anyway, because faith comes by believing and believing comes by hearing?....

HELL YES…

Do I believe those things now because I made it a habit to say them every day?...

HELL YES…

On my body length mirror I wrote ALL over it in marker claiming more words of affirmation and positivity.

I also had strict rules so I wouldn’t be tempted to think negatively towards myself, such as not looking at myself in the mirror naked or when I was getting ready for school. Some of you might think, “But aren’t you supposed to look at yourself and think positively about the way you looked right then? Isn’t that what you’ve been trying to do all along?”

Yes, you’re right, but I’ll be honest with you at that moment in my recovery I wanted to feel like a straight beautiful badass without looking in the mirror, because if I had already felt like a beautiful badass and something in the mirror distracted me from feeling that positivity towards myself I would’ve backtracked and started relapsing on the negative thoughts. I was trying to stay clear of all ‘triggers’ (I hate that word) for myself personally and looking at myself naked was one of them.

I read numerous self-help, motivational and recovery from disordered eating books. I was a professional at reading by this point.

I read one book in particular that encouraged doing yoga and meditation when you could feel your mind and thoughts shifting to distractions or negativity.

You know what?......it actually helped! I can’t remember anything else in that book (it was too ‘yogi woo-woo’ for me) other than one simple yoga/meditation practice that would center my mind back on the ‘here and now’ instead of on the food, exercise, clean eating or macros. I still use these practices today!

Hold please….you’re thinking today? I thought this whole thing was about recovering from depression and eating disorders!

Well princess, you’re not wrong; however, once you’ve been addicted to something you’re going to have those addictions come back to haunt you occasionally.

Let me explain further.

I’ve spent years conquering disordered eating habits. Is there still a portion of me that struggles occasionally with thoughts of comparison? Sure, BUT because I had my rituals and proclaimed those words of affirmation, I truly believe them now and I say those phrases and who I believe I AM to myself every single day.

You see, recovery and victory is a process. A very long, long, long process. It’s hard. It’s mentally exhausting. It’s taxing. Sometimes you’d rather just throw in the towel and jump back on that addictive train because it’s comfortable. But you also know that past the blood, sweat and tears is peace of mind, love and contentment.

I’ll be vulnerable and honest with you.

Have I binged and purge all while stating and hash tagging about eating disorder recovery? Yes.

Have I felt guilt and shame if I ate a yummy meal for a holiday? Yes.

Have I felt disappointment if I went over my calories and/or macros for the day? Yes. What’s the difference now?.........

Now, I don’t dwell on those things.

Now, I notice the feeling. I notice where the feeling is coming from and why I’m feeling that way and take a moment and let myself feel that way. Then I either meditate on the good, I speak affirmations, I proceed to tell myself that life is NOT about those worries and I list things I’m specifically grateful for to put my mind back on track. I’ve been doing this for so long that this process happens in just a few seconds then I’m back in the right mindset and back to conquering the eating disorder that once controlled every aspect of my life.

Do these struggles happen every day like they used to when I first started the recovery process? No.

I’ve trained my mind to prioritize things in life. Now the numbers on a scale and the ‘feelings’ towards food is not a priority in my life.

I’ve learned that losing weight, hours spent in the gym, cardio, the foods I eat and sacrificing time with friends and family is NOT what life is about. I would lay awake at night planning my meals out on the app MyFitnessPal, which calculates macros and calories and I would calculate to the very last gram what I was going to eat the next day. So number one, I could hit my designated macros for the day and so I could save time and stress throughout the next day planning food. This was such an unhealthy mindset and approach towards meal prepping and planning meals in general. I’ve spent so much time practicing healthy habits that I can meal prep without the mental struggle of calculating every morsel of food.

How did I approach recovery?

I approached recovery very quickly because I knew I had an issue and I wanted it resolved as soon as possible. I HATED knowing that there was an issue with my mental status! I thought I had been ‘doing everything right’ until now…

I filled my mind with nothing but uplifting, positive reminders that ‘gym life’, counting macros and my weight weren’t on my ‘priorities list’. I was reading a book on recovery and the author asked the readers to journal 5 things that we loved doing that wasn’t based around food or exercise.

Do you know how many I listed?

One.

I literally couldn’t think of anything except for writing. I was dumbfounded and embarrassed. It was coming to focus that I had been a slave to the fitness lifestyle and hadn’t let anything else enter my life……no new forms of movement, no new experiences, no new relationships, no new adventures…..nothing.

Though I had listed one thing I loved doing besides exercise, I started doing that one thing more and more and more.

Lets review how recovery was approached throughout this time. Some of these steps have already been discussed so bare with me.

-Reading/Meditation/Yoga

-Podcasts

-Cleaning social media

-Words of affirmation

-Eating without distractions

Podcast listening was vital to my recovery. I listened to the Mind Body Musings Podcast hosted by Maddy Moon, and she gave numerous tips on how to recover and the steps she took for her recovery. One in particular was to clean out all social media accounts of people you were following that would make you question your own body or life AND REPLACE it with something NOT fitness related; such as, beaches or puppies. Girl, do you know how many beach and dog accounts I follow on IG?! Too many at this point! She made it clear that if you take something out it NEEDED to be replaced with something uplifting and beneficial. This fills your mind with positivity instead of a deprivation. So one afternoon I sat down and scrolled through the accounts I had been following and if their account was no longer beneficial to me I deleted that account and added an uplifting account that made me smile, dream or yearn for self-growth.

Words of affirmation.

I won’t go too much into detail about this because I’ve already covered this topic extensively above.  I just want to drive home how incredibly IMPORTANT talking over YOURSELF can be. It doesn’t matter if you don’t believe it at the moment because if you’re consistent and you keep proclaiming those words over you your brain starts to believe it. I’m sure you’ve heard the phrase, ‘fake it till you make it’? This is a perfect example!

Eating Without Distractions

This was an odd one for me to practice, but it was very effective. Nine times out of ten we’re busy while we’re eating; talking to someone, on the computer or playing with your cell phone. There was a challenge on a podcast that had you eat with no distractions. Eat while doing nothing else besides eating. Kinda weird, but this gave you a chance to appreciate food for what it is……food.

Without any distractions you’re able to appreciate every bite, the different tastes and smells and the texture to be grateful for being able to eat. If we’re distracted we’re usually finished with our meal before we actually realize what the food had tasted like because our attention isn’t at the task at hand. Ultimately this procedure formed gratitude and thankfulness for the food you were consuming. Just getting into the mindset of thankfulness is one of the most effective tools for recovery.

In Conclusion…I write this just so I can get the most important aspect across…struggles with depression are different. Not one is the same and not one situation that causes depression is the same.

Depression should not be downgraded.

I explained how I was raised in a wonderful Christian home with amazing parents, and guess what? I was depressed, I had substance abuse issues and I was addicted to food, or a lack there of.

LISTEN!

Now, it doesn’t matter what type of addiction, issue or struggle you have YOU ARE WORTH SO MUCH MORE!!! You are worth MORE than the sleepless nights due to anxiety, you are worth MORE than the cuts on your arm, you are MORE than skipping meals, you are MORE than making yourself throw up, you are MORE than using alcohol to cope, you are MORE than pills, you are MORE than feeling like sex is the ONLY way you feel worthy, you are MORE than what other people say or do to you, YOU ARE MORE!!

It doesn’t matter what you’ve done, who did what to you or what you’ve been through….those scenarios do NOT have to define you! There might be someone in your life telling you that you’re not good enough, you’re not smart enough, you’re not fast enough, you’re not talented enough….BUT their words do NOT have to define who you are as a person! Those words don’t have to mold your future or your potential!

You were designed and you are destined for GREATNESS!!!

Here’s the kicker though, are you ready?I watched a motivational speech by Will Smith and he spoke about Fault and Responsibility.He stated that it is NOT your fault that those things happened to you, but it is DAMN sure your responsibility to do something about it and to not let those words mold you into a person who falls victim and believes the whole world owes you something.

Being in ‘victim mode’ only sets you up to lose.

Victims do NOT succeed!!

Casting blame on others gets you nowhere!I’ll be honest with you in saying that I’ve lost a lot of relationships because they lived in victim mode—nothing was there fault and their sadness and depression were all due to something that had happened to them in their past. I’m not discrediting their awful experiences, because nobody deserves to be treated that way. But instead of using those experiences as fuel to live a better, kick ass life, they’ve chosen to do the exact opposite and live a life of blame. And let me be the first to tell you, their lives are miserable. They’re not happy people. They’re not content with their lives, they’re depressed and they suffer addictions.  It’s very sad to see because, like you, they were created for greatness.

I hope you’re starting to realize your worth and your potential through this post. It may take some time to start believing in your worth and start believing you’re more than what other people say and more than what society says about you, but once you’ve grasped that concept, nothing, I mean NOTHING will be able to hold you down from your potential and GREATNESS in life!!

You are more.

You are more than depression.

Depression doesn’t have to define you.  

My main purpose of writing this bit of biography and my main purpose in life is to show you that depression can come in every shape and size. Depression can occur to someone who’s been abused and depression can occur to someone who’s had a great upbringing. Depression doesn’t favor anyone. My other main purpose in life is to also tell you that YOU. ARE. NOT. ALONE! Life is hard and I lived my life acting like it wasn’t hard and everything was fine. Please don’t do that! Here are some findings of a National Institute of Mental Health study of 10,000 teenagers (ages 13 to 18) with eating disorders. Researchers found that the majority of teens with eating disorders did have contact with mental health care, school services, or general medical services. But, LESS THAN A THIRD had talked with a professional about their eating or weight problems.

Do you know what this means??

These mechanisms of depression CAN be AVOIDED! I wouldn’t have gone to anybody either and that’s what I’m here for…to come to YOU and express my empathy and love towards you! I get it! I get laying awake at night in misery and anxiety. My anxiety was all derived from my physical appearance and substance abuse but your anxiety could stem from something totally different, but I get it!

If no one has told you, “I love you”, or no one has encouraged you lately, well sister, I FUCKING LOVE YOU and I encourage you to KEEP MOVING FORWARD. Keep pressing through this crippling depression, because I PROMISE you if you give it your 100% effort to recover, you will recover and gain SO much strength to help another woman who might be struggling.

Sister, thank YOU so much for reading this post. It means the absolute world to me! Please pass this on to whomever you think would need it! I love you!!

You are destined for greatness!!

Love,

Bethany

[shytiff]

June Small Wins

1 - ecmocard meeting with ppl from aussie to learn to sort out data. Felt better after the meeting cause i didnt feel like doing anything before. Got two season deli box cake from dapur cokelat for nessa. Videocalled w her and ren.

2 - dr eva chatted and gave things to do. I also need to make intern log for dr retha. I just cant bring myself to start. Finally mustered the courage. Im not the type of person for wfh. At least in this house. Finished reading love or hate. I rly felt like shit at night.

3 - started reading positively yours. Had no will to do anything

4 - some more sending spss work for dr eva. weekdays with no “outside work” rly render me useless in functioning. a vegetable

5 - iluni webinar. Lost my attention during electrolyte and fluid stuff. tried to cook ribeye steak lmao (meat from @/fridaymeatshop). Its too chewy and leathery. But its not too welldone. And at least it tastes good. Went to depok by krl. its quite quick since krl arrived just after im at poris and duri. went ahead of silvi devi. satpam on the lobby wont open the access hhhh (i dont have one. i dunno why. mom said she cant find it although we supposedly have 2). but my mood improved once im upstairs. we prepped a bit of deco. conversed in the dark so not to make racheel suspicious. surprisee. had truffle belly chicken cheese for dinner. the cheese was not to cheesy, its more of a gentle taste. mushroom tastes better. we watched sweet and sour from my mobile data. surprisingly, its not that much of data. slept at like 12-1ish

6 - the electric token went out in the morning. we went for a walk in ui. the PLK man across of st ui forbade us from going in. ugh. but it was rly empty. so we went from barel. its empty on the library. there was a dog that walked along with us. talked a bit in front of the lake. went back. i got 2 moon chicken (the basic flavor and not the wings) and spicy jumeokbap. the jumeokbap was nothing like what i had in korea. like the seaweed’s taste doesnt come out that much, and its not that flavorful/savory. the one in korea its good even by itself. went back to jkt nebeng reza silvi with devi. originally planned to go to flavola, but my head kinda hurts, so i finished my moon chicken at the mushola and asked juan to pick me up. still feel healthy and normal after going and staying out, so i started reading a book abt handwriting analysis lmaoo. fell asleep. tried several attempts to figure out my bpjs number and turns out the best there is to respond is BPJS’ twitter. the problem was solved under 5 mins. 

7 - woke up, fell asleep again. Adita told me that i might be interviewed today for the ipd intern but theres no info. Did the registration stuff for my bpjs. Registered for npwp. Watched bts x na pd

8 - off to RSF. its audit day today. hiks to phonecall follow up work. i did not do anything inaco related, i just sat there and did dr dafsah’s excel. dr vera bought me pecel ayam hehe yay. went to como park to meet up with indah regen. tried ricotta pizza from pizza place (33k). the cheese is cheese but not that typical cheesy (?) coupled with mushroom. i had to add sauce to withstand the last bites (still kinda full). tried other’s as well, pesto and mushroom. pesto had the most taste. while waiting for doggo to arrive, we bought gelato (S: 35k). apparently their special flavor was ricotta lmao. tried green tea (bitter, which i like) and peanut butter + caramel, which makes you feel thirsty. watched the doggos from the sidelines. after maghrib we went to 1/15. ordered ice mocha (50k). the chocolate taste stood out more. not gonna order again lol. the staff initially recommended pandan flavor. took grab to gbk station to go home.

9 - rsf. second audit day. i hate it here lmao. im not even paid for my time here. excused myself to eat. turns out mbak Ai bought hokben. i almost forgot thanking her since i felt hungry with a bit of headache. talked a bit with dr retha regarding changes of assistant (since internship is soon). went back and immediately laid down in bed. mom bought pizza so thats what i ate for dinner. fell asleep (i can feel it. my face will get consequences)

10 - cant bring myself to do anything. i reread painter of the night lmao. seungho is a prick. inhun is also a prick (a greedy one). ate arirang bone marrow. put the egg-seasoning mixture to the pan since im not confident enough to just pour boiling water into the bowl. felt surprisingly full. went to sbux. green tea latte as usual. but turns out tumblr 50% promo only applies to sbux member. so i had to pay 40k for my green tea latte. at least i got to feel good from outside vibes. did some follow up for INACO patients. 

11 - went to rm rsf. Took lots of photos of RM. I was given rujak by the rm staff lmaoo so cute. Didnt do any entry afterwards lmao i just laid down

12 - breakfast is paldo jjajangmen and egg. It tasted like soy. Its good but not in a micin way. Its quite fulfilling. Had some of the beef slices by putting it in a buttered pan (is it pan fried? Grilled? Idk). Had banana and brownies together (makes it rly good). Did a bit of clires work. I drank sbux's caramel macchiato but yall my stomach cant handle it lmao. It hurts so much that i even got a headache. So i just laid down in bed

13 - had arirang again loll. Inserted the egg to the pan still, but quicker this time. Its too salty today. Maybe its not enough water. I was eating it while googling how to remove excess sodium. Ate the rest of beef slices (shared with bros ofc) and mixed some with moms fried rice. Ate banana brownies again. Felt soooo full. Did some clires work accompanied by sbux matcha

14 - i felt like shit this morning. Watched leahs vid. Listened to her podcast while having bfast. I walked from moms car to bougenville while still feeling like shit. It slowly gets better afterwards, thankfully. Did some clires and follow up. Went to gandy steak in dr retha's car (which had anesthesiology textbook inside). Tried aus sirloin steak. The bread tasted ok. The garlic bread also ok. The mashed potato was so so (the one in depok was more creamy and smooth). The steak was good, especially the fat part, the sauce so so. Honestly that depok steak had more value for money compared to this, i think. Nebeng dr rara and husband to busway station. Arrived in ar and i immediately showered, such wow 👏👏

15 - today is no rsf day aka self made wfh day. Moms getting vaccinated today. I just lazed. And read kanej fics

16 - off to rsf. Took care of rm stuff. Tried social affair's croffle since i was so curious (60k [10k tip]). The nutella and cinnamon sugar one. Its crunchy and a bit crumbly inside, but not as fragile as croissant. Its quite fulfilling too. But its basically flour batter variations. (thats what mom would say). randomly chatted racheel and we ended up taking a walk and a bit of jog citra 6 (with my sneakon regular shoes). My left tendon was screaming lol. Picked up by juan who surprisingly effortlessly found the address at night.

17 - mbak aan chatted me today to go to rscm. Met prof murdani at pesc and he gave me ppt assigment for 13:30 THAT DAY. Finished it unsatisfyingly (i wish i couldve done more). Lunch was free bebek bkb yay thankyou Prof c: (he even asked what did i ate) took care of legalisir stuff. Went home by tj. Drank matcha w vsoy and i somehow was not sleepy after maghrib. I also changed my desj layout. Maybe it kinda works to separate my spaces

18 - arrived at rscm at 8-ish. sent updated thibbun nabawi ppt. literature search. and then somehow its 14:30. went to SCI w ara wani rasyid. tried bandeng nyonya, oyster, salmon, cumi lada garam (its crazy good among all the good tasting food wtff), shrimp and pocai telor (veggie stuff). dessert was thailand cassava. spent about 190k. went back by TJ. had wudu at pulomas and prayed ashar on the bus lol. i passed out after playing w my phone lmaoo  

19 - spent almost the whole day just sleeping and eating. finally showered in the afternoon. had matcha vsoy latte after maghrib and with enough day sleeping, i did presentation outline. at like 1/2 am i initially planned to sleep but my eyes still have plenty of watts. so i read hold me tight. slept at like 4/5 am

20 - woke up at 9. off to om dokter’s house to ask for healthy letter. we talked almost the entire time im there lol. before u know it mom and dad’s done talking with grandma. om dokter shared some of his experiences in the past. and he said something about making your choice and living with it, and it will all have a meaning even if you might initially agonize about it. girl i was holding back tears. here he was talking about choices, something i never rly talk about at my house. im getting teary just typing this. he talked about it in a way that sounds simple, even though i agonized abt internship choices and sometimes avoid thinking about it. it rly rly was a new experience. i dont rly talk about “choices” with my parents. so hearing how to go through options in life from a person i can relate to regarding this med stuff is. i feel like i would have loved it if i can hear his wisdom earlier. i dont talk with him much if my parents are around bcs they will just meddle and say stuff that wreck my peace. they dont rly know what im going through but can be very opinionated. this peaceful one on one talk rly made me feel relieved and reassured. and i was today years old when i found out he initially wanted to be a psychiatrist. he would have been a great psychiatrist. i feel like we have some understanding thats left unsaid. like he knows how my parents are like. he would probably understand why i dont talk with him much at AR. after what feels super quick, we went back to AR. registered for STR. searched some literature for the topics that Prof is the moderator of. powered by matcha energy

21 - rscm as usual. the Prof did not come. lunch was bread i brought from home. waited for mom to pick me up at kfc so i bought pukis kfc. its like properly made pukis and not the street seller made ones. the chocolate one was good since the toppings generous. felt a bit feverish? like my body felt warm. fell asleep and then suddenly its 6 am in the morning. 

22 - Prof still did not came. had amart’s ayam penyet jamur for lunch. turns out juan bought ayam geprek gendut for dinner. night time is diarrhea time lmaooooo. did not feel sleepy at AR but i skipped shower again lmao,,,,,,,, and then suddenly its morning again

23 - jajan from sisterfield today. tried their carrot cake and kopi susu gula aren. the carrot cake has that carrot texture. its different. the icing was fresh cream cheese that made the cake taste good. the coffee made my stomach ache a bit. it has that subtle chocolatey taste. fell asleep again. third time’s the charm (of 1x/day face wash). woke up at 3 am planning to sleep but i ended up washing my face. turns out atikah was still awake due to AZ fever.

24 - this is the bestest sleep i had in this week (?) had a dream about going to bandung and the car falling to water. forgot my headset today. can finally meet prof Mur. talked abt inaco stuff w agassi. reread komugi meruem lmaoo. felll asleep. somehow had the misfortune of hearing dad’s hurtful words to mom. i want to fall asleep again but its difficuly. i went through stages of pent up anger, some sort of selfishness (i will go out from jakarta for internship), amazement to mom, and... (continue 2moro)

25 - lunch was dori rice from kanprim thanks to rasyid’s jastip. watched bts’ butter norebang lolll :(((. arrived at AR the fastest ive been. mom came to me right before maghrib and  summed some stuff dad said yesterday. she handled it in a trivial way. like she was unaffected. and that somehow helped me too. stuck around in the dining room for a while after maghrib. talked about internship w mom. i left some chance for dad to yap yap abt whatever related to internship (thankfully songs were full volume through my wireless headset) while im inhaling through my matcha latte. i wont write what he said bcs its lowkey super embarrassing. thank the gods for wireless speakers. 

26 - did not do anything productive today. Had arirang salted egg for bfast (wont repurchase). Had the meat cubes i bought online and its rly good. Ran with racil at citra 6. The tendon in my left feet hurt lol. Gmeet with ara et al to discuss internship review

27 - lazed. Wanted to start my day early but couldnt bring myself to. Binge watched twoset videos. Did clires stuff. 1 more RM to wait from IRMIK. No gastro intern work this weekend aaaa im starting to panic.

28 - juan came along otw to rscm. Talked about iship otw. brought tons of stuff to eat, including matcha latte, but i was unable to finish it lol. Discussed research budgeting w Prof. Didnt do anything in home. Starting to panic with my ppt progress.

29 - discussed budgeting revision. Prof thought abt little details i didnt even consider. Didnt do anything while at ar anjengggg

30 - prof did not come to dept today. Listemed to agassi rambling abt intern stuff. Immediately opened my laptop in ar. Watched two set. Played marapets lmaooo i finally managed to gather 3 au for shop pricer. But still didnot wash my face 👁️👄🤦‍♀️ maybe bcs i hate doing what people tells me to do (re: shower due to covid scare). Had a nightmare abt being in a car ride alone w dad and it was rly rly awkward

[thisislizheather]

February Feats

So happy that February flew by this year, although with no snow in New York it felt a little sacrilegious. I think this has been the least snow I’ve ever experienced in a winter in my life and it feels awful. There’s still a few weeks left of the season, so I guess that could change but I mean snow in March? Give me a break. Here’s what went down this month.

NATHAN DID THE TONIGHT SHOW! And it was amazing. So crazy proud. I got to go with him to 30 Rock and everyone was so nice and it was incredible.

I rewatched As Good As It Gets and what a terrible movie! No way in hell would Helen Hunt get together with Jack Nicholson. C’mon.

I started watching The Haunting of Hill House and I don’t think I’ll continue. Reasons? 1. I don’t think I like horror shows. Movies? Sure, that’s a fun time with an end date of a few hours. 2. What awful parents would keep their millions of children in a house like that? 3. Maybe it was a bad idea to start this in February, when it’s nowhere near spooky season, that might be my fault.

Saw Happy Death Day 2U with Nathan on Valentine’s Day because I wanted to see something and WOOF, what a nightmare of a movie. I knew it would be terrible, but it still shocked me.

Read Ellie Kemper’s latest book.

Finally caught up to the end of season four on Broad City and goddam is that a perfect show. Excited to start season five soon.

I rebought Essie’s Apricot Cuticle Oil because I used to love it and then finished it and forgot about it. It’s such a great product but you do have to use it at least semi-daily to see a real difference in your cuticles.

Went to Charlie Palmer Steak for a Restaurant Week lunch and even though the environment is kind of stuffy, the food was really good. I love when pasta is offered as an appetizer, it’s always the perfect amount. The tagliatelle was really good and the steak sandwich was great (if not a little too bread-y). That sandwich is also the “official sandwich of Madison Square Garden” which everyone tells you a thousand times upon entering the restaurant, so that’s something too, I guess?

CANNOT WAIT FOR THIS SHOW TO COME OUT mainly because of how amazing the book is. Airs March 15!

Love that Trader Joe’s keeps putting out new candle scents. The Lemon Cookie one is fantastic.

Loved the Big Mouth Valentine’s Day special. Obviously over the moon pleased that the lady bug was in it.

So I tried Ree Drummond’s Caesar salad dressing recipe and I wasn’t a huge fan of her dressing itself  (Teigen’s dressing is better but of course it is because of the mayo), BUT I loved the way she does her croutons. They turn out really crunchy on the outside, but still super soft on the inside, it’s genius and I’ll include how to do it below.

Ree Drummond’s Croutons recipe: Slice the (French or ciabatta) bread into thick slices and cut them into 1-inch cubes. Throw them onto a baking sheet. Heat some olive oil in a small saucepan or skillet over low heat. Crush-but don't chop-the garlic and add them to the oil. Use a spoon to move the garlic around in the pan. After 3 to 5 minutes, turn off the heat and remove the garlic from the pan. Slowly drizzle the olive oil over the bread cubes. Mix together with your hands, and then sprinkle lightly with salt. Toss and cook in the pan until golden brown and crisp. Add a little butter for more flavor.

Honestly, those croutons were so good that I had a few leftover that I put in a pappardelle tomato pasta the next day and… whoa. Have you ever put croutons in a pasta before? Holy fuck was it good. The crunch factor in an otherwise texture-less dish was unbelievable. How is this not a thing that everyone is doing? We all need to wake the fuck up.

I also made Ina Garten’s cauliflower toast and my god, IT WAS AMAZING.

A new bar opened in my neighborhood called The Huntress, so we went and it’s pretty good! It’s mostly a wings places and they were really tasty (and that’s coming from someone who does not enjoy wings - the bones are too tiny and gross and no thanks), but these were really good. They also have poutine (!) on the menu, and even though the gravy is much too salty, the beautifully authentic curds were appreciated.

I always forget about the one bottle of Tom Ford nail polish I have, but it lasts me a full week whenever I wear it. I mean, the price is stupid, but it does last a decent amount of time.

Have you heard of the site or the book Desserts For Two? Pretty self-explanatory, but it’s created by a woman who makes recipes specifically for two people. I tried her chocolate cake recipe for Valentine’s Day and it was delicious. The cake was so good, but I really didn’t care for her frosting, if you do try this one definitely find a better icing recipe online or better yet just buy the premade one they sell at grocery stores. Or even just top it with Nutella. Fuck, I’m hungry now.

Watched all of Difficult People and I mean… SUCH a great show, which everyone obviously knows by now, it just took me awhile to finally get there and see it. Other than it being a great show, I was completely in awe of Julie Klausner’s wardrobe. I wanted everything she wore.

This Lemon, Bacon, Kale, Cauliflower pasta blew my face off, I made it three days in a row.

I rewatched a lot of the last season (spoilers ahead) of Dawson’s Creek (does it sound like a don’t have a job? I do! I just don’t work very hard) and when Jen dies and then Grams says to her, “I’ll see you soon, child. Soon.” I fucking sobbed. BUCKETS. My god. I mean, see for yourself. (And if your reaction isn’t quite as strong as mine… look inside yourself, maybe.)

I have wanted to try this Serious Eats  potato recipe forever so I did and it just didn’t work out the way I wanted it to. Some of the potatoes turned out the way they were supposed to, but you’re really supposed to do this technique with a real oven and not a tiny convection one like I have. The few that came out the way they were supposed to were really good and crispy on the outside and soft on the inside, but the effort involved in this recipe was too next-level. Maybe as a Thanksgiving recipe it’d make sense?

I watched the Versace series on Netflix and holy heavenly fuck, it’s a bad one. I only lasted about three episodes before I just couldn’t go any further. SO terrible.

Had a slice at Scarr’s in the Lower East Side and it was very decent, definitely one of the most solid pepperoni slices in that area. UPDATE: Definitely don’t go late at night, they’ve been sitting around all day and they suuuuuuck right before closing.

I now know how to make a steak at home and there’s no turning back now. I’ve been forever intimidated by cooking steak at home because it seemed like such a hard thing to do properly. (I did it once a few years ago and, like, tripled the amount of cream sauce I put on top and felt so sick I didn’t ever want to do it again.) But I did it on two separate occasions this month and I think I’m maybe kind of a pro at it now? This Tasty video helped so much. The only tip I can offer is to use normal salt and not the course kosher salt that I did on steak #1, that baby was inedible because of that course salt. Oh! And for the sauce that you obviously have to serve your steak with, it’s best to grind your own peppercorns in a spice grinder. I don’t know why, but I feel like this was the most important step. I have a lot of steak thoughts. I’ll stop.

I tried the tacos at Empellon Al Pastor in the East Village and while they were pretty good, I found them slightly on the expensive side for a place on Avenue A. We can all calm down a bit.

I visited Sweet Moment in Chinatown for a latte and it was a pretty cute experience even if the service was a little salty. If we’re being real, people only come here because Instagram exists, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing. The cream art choco latte that I had was ridiculous good, which makes sense because I have a sneaking suspicion that it’s just melted chocolate in a cup.

I visited the Glossier flagship store again because I was in the neighborhood and I (finally) tried out their Boy Brow. And let’s get this straight, I tried it on even though I already had other eyebrow products on (ColourPop’s Brow Boss Pencil as well as a little Milani Easybrow) which was maybe a dumb idea, but I didn’t want to wipe my eyebrows off and try the Glossier one incase it sucked and then had to walk around the rest of the day looking like a psychopath. SO, that being said, here’s what it looked like using all three products.

They look pretty full, right? I kind of think too full. I don’t know, maybe I’m a maniac. I should’ve done a before and after photo, not just an after. I just don’t see the big deal about their products. I feel like every item Glossier sells is something you need to use in combination with something else so it’ll actually look like something’s working. In conclusion, I have no idea if this is a good product or not and that’s really irritating, even to me.

Chrissy Teigen just announced that she’s gonna start her own website with new recipes! Amazing news!

I ate the pepperoni slice at Mama’s Too on the Upper West Side and all the good reviews about it ain’t lying. Crazy good slices. Might even be better than Prince Street Pizza.

I tried the mini Thickening Spray from Bumble & Bumble in my continued attempt at hair domination (and may I suggest that you always buy the mini size of any new hair product you’re trying? It makes so much more sense and is much cheaper) and it worked out well! I’ve only used it once but I think it’s a good product, next time I’ll definitely try it on my roots as well to see what it can really do. UPDATE: Definitely don’t spray it on your roots, it works much better if you use it sparsely on the rest of your hair when damp. 

I saw Waitress on Broadway and just wow. I haven’t been to a show in years and I forgot how much fun they are. This one was absolutely no exception. I went because a friend of mine that I met at the restaurant is in it, so I went to see her and not only was she phenomenal (Jessie Hooker-Bailey), the entire show was incredible. Joey McIntyre was great. Also? They had these mini pies for sale at intermission (genius) and the Salted Caramel Chocolate Pie is literally reason enough to go see this show. I need that recipe and I need it badly.

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A post shared by Liz Heather (@lizheather) on Feb 28, 2019 at 9:13pm PST

I finally ate at Sardi’s (which is something I’ve wanted to do for years) and sat at (in my opinion) the best corner booth under Dr. Ruth. And while I wish I had more to gush about, I… don’t. Ugh! I really think I just ordered bad. I only got the steak tartare and it was probably the most disappointing one I’ve ever had, which sucks considering it was also the most expensive. I knew I should’ve ordered the crab cake. That being said, I will definitely return mainly because the service was so impeccable that you’d have to return. Everyone was crazy nice and accommodating and pleasant, this one is just my fault I think. Also, I need to stop ordering streak tartare. I’ve already found the place that makes it the best (The Dutch) so why the hell am I still looking? I feel like a happily married man who can’t stop looking for something better to come along. STOP!

HELLO BEST MONTH OF THE YEAR, MARCH!

[far-off-flower-fields]

Don’t mind me just find more random questions to answer to distract me until I’m tired enough to sleep.

How many times each morning do you press the snooze button? I don’t usually have to set alarms these days.

What time of day do you like to shower? Night

When you go out to eat, what sides do your order with your food? Usually no sides because I’m not rich and if I have to pick between a side and a dessert I will get dessert.

What do you spend more money than necessary on?  I’m bad with money, toys probably, or clothes. I buy second hand, but I shouldn’t be buying anything that isn’t specifically planned in advance right now since I need to save to move.

What video game or computer game are you best at?  I’m really bad at games, so maybe Sims 4 or something. I like games, I play them when I have the energy, I just really suck.

How do you normally come across new music?  Spotify, sometimes my Fiance.

What do you keep your keys on?  A turtle keyring.

Is your favorite color different than your favorite color to wear? Not really, I wear a lot of pastel colours, and they’re my favourites. Although I also wear neutrals and black if I’m doing a different look since my wardrobe is like 4-in-1 because I’m a million people at once. 

Do you buy books or get them from the library?  I used to read all the time, I’d go to the library and hire like 7 books and go through a book a day. Now I can’t concentrate so I just don’t read. I have several books in my posession that I need to read though if I ever get better.

What section of the food pyramid do you neglect the most?  I say fuck the food pyramid.

Do you check PostSecret weekly?  I have no idea what that even is.

What do you use your stovetop for most?  Sitting things on. Or pasta. I made hokey-pokey the other month though to use up the last of the syrup someone bought.

Do you notice the impact of the economic recession? Yes, I saw so many posts on Gumtree of people having to give up their pets for financial reasons and it was really heart breaking.

Would you enjoy living somewhere where it's sunny all the time? Absolutely not. The sun gives me headaches and migraines. 

What is it that you always seem to lose?  My will to live xD Honestly though I lose like everything because I have to keep my entire life in a single room of my parents house rn.

Have you ever broken any bones?  One, because I couldn’t handle the thought of going to work. I’m more prone to tendon damage.

What is your winter coat like?  Which one? I have a mint green one which is waterproof and fluffy inside, I have a brown duffle coat one that flares out a bit, and I have a grey long coat. I also had to declare bankruptcy.

Do you keep dirty clothes in a hamper, or on the floor?  Both, I have a system.

Which decade's music do you like best?:  I can’t pick. 

Can you focus on studying if there's music on?  Yes, as well as I can really focus in general.

In what types of situations do you demand absolute silence?  When I have a migraine or sensory overload.

Did you do well at fitness testing in grade school?  NO. PE is the only class I failed.

If you had to choose a wardrobe to steal, who's would you pick? No, I have worked hard on mine to get it to the point its at.

If you had to pick one thing to bring back from the 90's, what would it be? Most of that stuff has already come back in one form or another, or never really gone away. Like you can get the toys second hand, furby has been rereleased like 3 times, clothes you can also still get second hand and the styles are pretty easy to copy anyway. 

What about the 80's?  Same as above.

Do you share any of your music taste with your parents?  I share parts of my music taste with pretty much everyone, I have a really varied music taste, there isn’t a single genre I can say that I hate all of, there are ones I’m fairly unfamiliar with but I always loved music so I like a lot of it.

Could your parents tell when you would fake sick? I was sent in whether I was sick or not so there was no point in even trying. Only way I was allowed off was if I literally threw up in front of them which didn’t happen much, or the few occasions where my allergies gave me conjunctivitis.

Do you own more shoes or less shoes than the average person? More.

Do you still have anything from when you were a baby?  I have a Quasimodo plushie that I had when I was like 3. My parents always threw everything away or gave it away so I don’t even really have baby pictures, except like one I got from my grandparents place when they died.

Are there any stores that send you e-mail newsletters? A couple, but that’s just from buying things in the past.

Do you think people overuse the word "random"?  Now not so much, but back in the 00s and early 10s it was used a lot more.

How often do you floss?  Never, my teeth are a bit overcrowded so I can’t fit the floss in without pain and bleeding. 

Do you use hairspray much?  Never, I used it for a couple of stage shows I was in when I was a lot younger and that was about it.

Who is your favorite painter? I don’t really have one because there are so many, if I’m picking out of just the really famous ones then either Monet or Van Gogh.

Are art museums interesting or boring to you?  Interesting

What subject in school do you feel is the least necessary? PE needs significant changes to be at all worth the cost of running it. Once I hit my 20s I found out that there actually are some physical activities that I enjoy and missed out on. I think they should make it more free-form, if the concern really is health then surely letting people find and do the fitness tasks that work for them is better. If I’d been brought into a gym with actual gym equipment and they explained, okay, this does this, and this does this, try things out with a spotter and see what you like and what works for you, I’d have been much better of and have had some degree of physical fitness by now. They could also have offered option modules where instead of forcing everyone to do the same shit they let you pick, then I’d have been able to do yoga and dance and skipped out on the team sports they were pushing that literally lead to so much bullying and injuries because it’s about being competitive so they can send they sport inclined kids off to do competitions and win the school more money for the sports department and it’s a big nasty cycle of, damage some kids in favour of others, and lie to them all while making it compulsory for several years. Sorry this is a big ol’ sore spot with me because it is hugely indicative of many of the issues with many school systems in general, and while kidding on it’s for the youth, is actually just hurting them. FUCK. 

When you were a kid, what games did you always play on the playground? I had like two modes, there was the days where people would play with me and we’d mash-up characters from the shows/movies we were watching (mostly charmed, totally spies, and xmen) and play as them in this whole made up world. Other days I’d walk around the tennis court trying to stay on the lines if it was empty or I’d just walk around the school daydreaming.

Do you enjoy power outages or do you get annoyed? I’m scared of the dark so I’m more afraid than annoyed. If I’m in the right situation it can be okay, but I never am because I don’t live with my Fiance and we can never afford candles.

Do you know how to use an ATM?  Yes.

How about write a check? No.

Are you in to your heritage much?  Sort of, not of my specific family, but Scotland’s cultural history and the like is interesting.

Are you pretty politically correct?  I resent that term, it’s like the term “cancelled” where some brat decided to make it into something controversial to be nice, and considerate, and tactful, or to hold others accountable and expect them to hold themselves accountable. These are basic things you should be doing, do you need to use slurs? NO what are you losing by not using them? Nothing. What are you gaining by using them? Nothing. We gain nothing as a society by being intentionally offensive or winding folk up. You’re not thought provoking, we already came to the conclusion that certain things are shit, the next step isn’t to continue with your jokes, it’s to stop that shit and do the right thing to the best of your ability. FFS what does it cost people to just be nice? NOTHING.

What is one fashion trend you'll never understand? Some of the shoes the now are, lumpy and weird? Like they stick out in places I can’t imagine being practical. Also mullets.

What do you wear when you exercise?  Ummmm depends what I was wearing immediately beforehand, if it’s fine then I just stick with that since I don’t do anything especially heavy-duty. If it’s not, I just grab some sort of top and shorts or leggings, whatever I put my hand on first honestly. A lot of the time I’m just wearing onesies with little monsters all over and they’ll do the job so I just stay in them.

What is usually the last thing you do before you go to bed? It varies, sometimes I put on some rain sounds or something. The only consistent thing is that I have to go to the loo whether I need to or not, that’s one of those things I assumed literally everyone did but it turns out they don’t and I just held onto the methods that were used to toilet train me as a bub xD If I’m alone I also have a system I have to use to check the doors are locked or I can’t sleep and have to get back up to check, but I don’t have the house to myself that often so...

[glanzer2]

You probably want to read it, so here it is… EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENED ON OUR ROAD TRIP!!!!

Day 1: Austin-Dallas-Tulsa

The trip got started bright and early Thursday morning. In a very rare instance of John out-sleeping me, I woke him up. “John, wake up, it’s time to go on our trip!” The boy leapt out of bed and threw his clothes on. We said our goodbyes and were on the road by 8am.

The first item on my to-do list was brunch in Dallas at the acclaimed Maple Leaf Diner, a Canadian themed breakfast spot. Johnny opted to eat only a scone, while I snarfed down an eggs Benedict. The most difficult driving I encountered on the trip was in southern Dallas on 35-E, where road construction had the interstate down to two very narrow lanes. I was in the left lane attempting to get around a semi, going 75mph, with literally two inches of space on each side between a concrete barrier and the truck. White knuckle driving, indeed.

North of Dallas, things cleared up and it was a pleasant drive to the small town of Denison, TX. I stopped to see the birthplace and museum of 34th president Dwight Eisenhower. Johnny screamed, pouted, and threw a fit that we stopped because it interrupted his watching of Ghostbusters cartoons. He perked up though when he remembered he had $50 of souvenir bucks for the trip, and bought a cheaply made army tank kit from the gift shop. Onward we went into Oklahoma, where I came upon a famous peanut shop, the Peanut Shoppe. We loaded up on peanuts, pretzels, taffy and jerky and hit the road again. Later, I slammed on the brakes and pulled over to buy the boy some fruit at a roadside fruit stand. Even then, the shop proprietor gave him a popsicle. He fell asleep as we headed up the turnpike to Tulsa.

Upon arrival in town, we checked into our cozy little Airbnb and relaxed. The boy would have been highly content staying at the house for the rest of the day, but I coaxed him into the van and over to Tulsa’s renowned park, The Gathering Place. Wow. This park had it all. Apparently the heir to an oil fortune donated $600MM to construct the most amazing playground I’ve had the pleasure of visiting. We played in 100º heat for two hours and left with both of us soaked to the bone. We returned to the Airbnb and showered, and planned our dinner. Johnny wanted pepperoni pizza, so I texted my company’s CEO and asked if he knew a good spot. My company, ConsumerAffairs, is based in Tulsa, after all. That was part of the reason for stopping there overnight. Rather than direct us to a good restaurant, he instead invited us over to his house for dinner. John played with my boss’s two kids while I enjoyed a couple beverages with the adults. Good but late night! We were asleep around 11:30.

So long, suckers! Road trip ahead.

That’s why this place is famous.

Big silverware

John enjoys breakfast at the Maple Leaf Diner in Dallas

My tasty Canadian eggs Benedict dish

John and a patriotic horsey

The boy pays his respects to Dwight Eisenhower

The Eisenhower house

The boy was saying “I like Ike!” by the end of this visit.

Peanut Shoppe sign

The Peanut Shoppe was a fun stop for some road snacks

Roadside fruitstand. Yes.

All tuckered out by 3.

Wow, cool Airbnb!

The American Pie family in the Airbnb house was a nice touch.

The Gathering Place in Tulsa is le-GIT. Coolest playground/park I’ve seen.

Day 2: Tulsa-Independence-Topeka-Auburn

We awoke and headed to my office first thing in the morning, where every Friday they cater breakfast and have an all-company standup meeting. I was called to the front to say a few words, and was surprised when my colleagues pulled out masks of my face, forming a Glanzer flash mob. How welcoming! We had plans for more Tulsa stops, but it was raining heavily so we just hit the road north into Kansas.

I stopped near the small town of Independence to check out one of the Laura Ingalls homesteads. John again showed zero interest of this roadside attraction and sulked on the front porch, refusing to budge. As we were there alone, way out in the country, I left him to sort out his feelings and explored on my own. He later perked up and wasted a few bucks in the gift shop on a log cabin toy and a cowboy that grows in water. In town, we spotted a free zoo, so I pulled over. Turns out it was the zoo where the original monkey blasted into orbit was from! A bit of space history. We motored on north through miles of rolling prairies of eastern Kansas with virtually nothing to stop and see.

Finally we made it to Topeka, where I had a handful of items to check out, but we wound up visiting only one—the Evel Knevel Museum, which is inside a Harley dealership. If you ever get to Topeka, it’s worth a visit! We each took our turn on a virtual reality 4D bus-jumping motorcycle experience. While it made me a little nauseous, Johnny loved it and went twice! We were running a little behind schedule, so I skipped plans to see the Brown vs Board of Education building and state capitol and ventured on into Nebraska, where we arrived at the home of Dorrie and Ken Heronimus, parents of my good friends Jason and Jeff LaPlant.

The Heronimuses and LaPlants were very welcoming. We enjoyed a home-cooked shrimp boil dinner and caught up. Once nearly inseparable, I had not seen either LaPlant brother since at least 2012. Johnny was wound up on sugar and caffeine and put on quite a display of silliness in the basement, whacking people with pillows and stealing socks. In the morning, we enjoyed a tasty biscuits/gravy breakfast and headed out.

First to work! John enjoys breakfast at ConsumerAffairs in Tulsa

Johnny poses with the Glanzer masks made by my colleagues

Ingalls gift shop

Ingalls porch

This Laura carving is guaranteed to haunt you in your dreams

John was furious with the stop-off and vowed to stay on the front porch.

Pa built that with his own two hands!

The Ingalls’ shanty

The Ingalls post office

The Ingalls schoolhouse.

A very interesting exhibit – home to the first monkey in space. In… Independence, Kansas? Apparently so.

Angry like a lion

You guessed it – another stop, buddy boy!

Some Knevel jackets

Outside the refurbed Knevel bus

Evel’s cushy lounge in his bus

Evel himself

Ready for his first VR experience

Johnny loved the VR Knevel experience

Some Knevel toys

Jeff meets Johnny

Jason meets Johnny

I reunite with the LaPlant boys after far too long

Day 3: Auburn-Vermillion

The long drive along I-29 through Nebraska and Iowa was uneventful. Sure, I could have stopped off and done some fun stuff in either Omaha or Sioux City, but in the end the boy was sick of stopping, and I am already quite familiar with that area of the country. So, we cruised straight into Vermillion, SD, home of my sister’s family. Jordan and her boys Hudson and Colton were eager to take Johnny to the town’s new pool. Johnny had a blast swimming with the cousins all afternoon. In the evening Jordan left for a photo shoot and Abul and I were in charge of heating pizzas for dinner for the kids, but wound up with black smoke billowing out of the house. 13-year-old cousin Emmy graciously volunteered to babysit the younger kids so the adults could enjoy a trip to the bars. Some of Jordan’s co-workers joined us and we were out til around 1am. I’d venture to say not everyone woke up feeling terribly perky, though I was A-OK.

What’s this, daddy?

Swimming, swimming, swimming… so much swimming.

I later found out I was using the little kid tubes.

High dive, no floatie… what could go wrong? Yes, I did have to jump in and rescue him.

Vermillion pool

Vermillion pool

Fun in the cousins’ room

Big dog

Cousins and dog

Pizza and cousins and screens

Trampoline time! I guess this beast was laid to rest after we left.

Abul stokes the flames

Dessert on the trampoline

Bar fun in Vermillion with the old gang!

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Abul bought a growler to pass around AT the bar… I like this guy!

Vermillion bar

Day 4: Vermillion-Sioux Falls-Watertown

We made the quick drive north to Sioux Falls primarily so I could get fitted for a tux for a friend’s upcoming wedding—I had to get fitted there or Des Moines, so it worked out well that it happened to be on the path. We also wandered the mall, ate lunch at Huhot Mongolian Grill, and I saw Falls Park for the first time. Afterwards we headed north to Watertown, specifically Lake Kampeska, where good friend C.M. Walsh allowed us to stay at his family’s lake cabin free of charge for two days. I could have just headed to the family farm in Carpenter, but I figured this would be more fun. Brother Alex and his family joined us at the cabin Sunday night, and we enjoyed dinner at The Prop and then swam off the dock until dusk. There were no late-night shenanigans this time!

The legendary DakotaDome, last thing we spotted leaving Vermillion

John climbs the rocks at Falls Park. An adventurous little scamp.

My first trip to Falls Park. Some South Dakotan I am.

Taking in the beauty of the falls

John was getting a little too close to the water for my taste

Nice.

Lunch at Huhot. Sioux Fallsians love this spot.

Shirt shopping for Luke’s wedding

Culver’s at the world’s largest single story mall

Cute little niece Auden sucking down some lemonade at the bar

4 of the 5 cousins who bear the Glanzer name. Edie not present.

My dollar bill (borrowed from Alex) immortalized on the Prop’s ceiling.

What’s a trip to a SD bar without some video lottery? Alex won big.

Some evening swimming off the Kampeska dock

Swimming at Kampeska

Swimming at Kampeska

Swimming at Kampeska

Swimming at Kampeska

Swimming at Kampeska

Look there, nephew John, a beached whale!

Swimming at Kampeska at sunset

Sun setting on Kampeska

Cousin hijinks at bedtime

Not at all edited sunset

Day 5: Watertown

The first day totally off the road was spent at the Walsh family cabin. I did, however, make a quick trip into town for breakfast groceries. There was more swimming in the morning, and around noon my parents arrived. The original plan was that Dad would be bringing his boat and we’d spend the day zipping around the lake tubing, but due to mechanical problems the boat was left at home. Instead, it was just a lot more swimming and a little kayaking. Some of the adults did some quality day-drinking, otherwise things stayed pretty calm and some of the kids even napped during the day. At night, all the family left for home. John and I were faced with a tough decision of following them out to the farm for the night or just staying in Watertown at the cabin. Seeing how going to the farm would have added 125 miles of driving onto our trip, we opted to just stay by ourselves at the cabin and bid the family adieu.

Breakfast fixins from HyVee

Lunch moments later!

No boat, so… more swimming!

Grandma Marcie and Grandpa Dick bask in the hot summer sun

The view from the kayak

Not our first or second kayaking adventure

Alex wears a very small life jacket to kayak

Me in the kayak on the rough waters

Toss the kids in

Farewell for now, grandson

Grandpa and John say goodbye

Ouch! Back injury for boy

A safe return to shore

Day 6: Watertown-Minneapolis suburbs

After packing up the cabin in the morning, John and I embarked eastward for the first time on the trip, heading into Minnesota on backroads due to road construction. As I approached the Twin Cities, we stopped in Chanhassen at the site of my first job, Microboards Technology, better known today as Afinia. There, we were given the tour of the changes to the building since I last was there in 2011. It was a very weird feeling being back there—in some ways it felt like I had been to work just yesterday. So little had changed. The personnel was almost all people I had known from before. I walked into a bathroom and immediately remembered every word to the Abraham Lincoln poster hanging on the wall. Johnny, needless to say, was bored senseless.

Next, we had a pretty wide open agenda. It was only 2pm, and we had a couple hours to kill. There were numerous friends, restaurants, bars, or attractions I could have taken the lad to, but he wanted to see his Grandpa Steve and Granny Anne, so off we went to Bloomington to visit with them for a couple hours. After being carted around for 1,300 miles and stopping for many piddly things, John looked perfectly content to just stay at his grandparents house and play Legos all night, but it was not to be. I loaded him back in the van and headed to Eden Prairie to visit friends Liz and Curt right before their big move. John was forced to acclimate to more new friends in short order, and just as they were getting acquainted, we loaded up and headed further west!

We arrived in Minnetrista where our friends the Walshes were enjoying National Night Out, serving root beer floats on the street corner. After Johnny and his old buddy Lorenzo got reacquainted, they attempted to have a sleepover. Naturally, Johnny wound up in bed with me again. I was up relatively late catching up with Walsh and Sarah, but we just ain’t as crazy as we used to be. Midnight was about all I could handle.

Microboards still looks about the same as I left her

Amuk the elephant, Microboards’ famous mascot.

John got some brief Lego playtime in with the grandparents

Popsicles with the Burke-Assmann kids

More new friends

John and Lorenzo get reacquainted

National Night Out in Minnetrista… it was a par-tay!!!

Bedtime for the boys

The boys’ sleepover lasted all of six minutes

Day 7: Minneapolis

This day was 99% based around the Twins-Braves day game at Target Field. It was a scorcher, too. Our seats were in the direct path of the sun and there was nowhere to hide. Before the game even started, we were seeking shade. John burst out in tears in the top of the first. I assumed it was because he was hot and uncomfortable, but it was due to the Braves hitting a pair of solo homers! This poor kid, what have I set him up for… The boy pleaded to leave early many times, but was bought off with sno-cones and mini donuts. As we departed the stadium in the eighth inning, we popped into a lower-level section to see if a friend was sitting there. He wasn’t, but we snagged some seats near the playing field and immediately had a foul ball wiz past us, and were spotted on the JumboTron. As we left the park for good, an usher asked if the boys wanted to go on the field and run the bases… of course we did!

The kids seemed to enjoy the experience, but I am sure Walsh and I were even more eager to step foot on the sacred grounds. I attempted to film ourselves running the bases, which was a mistake… I should have just enjoyed the moment. The kids were both out cold in the car on the drive home, and it was an early bedtime for me on the couch as we attempted to watch TV with Mr. Bradley Feeney.

Lorenzo and John at First Ave

In our seats, in the sun’s direct path

Me at my favorite place on Earth

Popcorn and a cap were first on the order for the boy

Grainbelt Nordeast, a Mpls favorite

Popcorn in the shade

The kids were being filmed for something… I wonder what?!

The boys meet TC Bear

Cooling off at the Bat & Barrel

Braves and Twins duking it out

The Twins rallied a little while we were sitting here

Just after the Twins turned a triple play

The boys stack hats on Walsh

Walsh and Lorenzo on the warning track

Me touching home plate

The boys at the Twins dugout

John and I on the field

Walking the field

Me at the dugout

Day 8: Minneapolis-Wisconsin-Iowa-Galena, IL

We said goodbye to the Walshes and headed to the Minneapolis airport to pick up Lauren and Edie for the Poulter family get-together. This was the part of the trip we probably would have done in some form, week-long road trip leading up to it or not. Johnny sure missed his baby sister! We loaded them in the car and made a quick pit stop for breakfast at Hot Plate Diner. The road to the northwestern corner of Illinois took us through Iowa and Wisconsin where we saw some surprisingly nice scenery.

The ride with the baby in tow certainly slowed things down compared to just the boys. We had to stop off fairly often as she was screaming and sick of the car. Around 4:00 we got to the small town of Galena and headed out into the country to the Eagle Ridge Resort. Lauren’s family arrived from around the Midwest throughout the night and we hung around chatting and such.

Good to see Pops again!

Siblings reunited after a week apart

Edie at a random Iowa gas station

Edie and I enter Wisconsin briefly

Edie frolicks in the meadow

Our townhome at the resort

The Farmstead townhomes at the resort

The van reached the elusive 55555 on the way to Galena

Edie makes her Wisconsin debut.

Day 9-10: Galena

The time at the resort was mostly very laid-back and relaxing. There were a couple of connecting townhouses rented out, a floor for each family basically. We ate all meals in, with different groups in charge of preparing each meal. Activities during the day ranged from swimming and pontoon rides to horseback riding and board games. But swimming at one of two pools seemed to be the kids’ preference. One day while Lauren was out with Johnny and the cousins, I took Edie into town on my own and saw the home of former president Ulysses S. Grant. Edie, unlike her brother, was a good sport and posed nicely for all of the pictures I asked for without making a fuss.

Baby hanging in jammas

A hearty breakfast

The cousins

Swinging

Cousins on a swing

Giant checker board

Baby swimming

Family swimming – man I’m getting sick of typing captions, can you tell?

Grandpa Steve and Edie

Tim and kids

Baby on daddy belly

Caption

John and great uncle Dave pontooning

The navigator

Pontoon

Resort pool

Edie getting a history lesson

Ulysses S. Baby!

Edie and the first lady

Birthday cake time for Julia

Happy birthday

Poulter siblings and offspring

Three girl cousins born within about a year of each other

Glanzer family normal

Glanzer family crazy

Day 11: Galena-St Louis-Rural Arkansas

When the Poulter family fun was through, the Glanzers hit the road around 10am and started south towards St. Louis. At one time, it was believed that the drive home would be just as leisurely as the first two days. John and I would dump the gals in St Louis at the airport to fly home, and we’d take our time seeing fun sites, and grazing parts of Kentucky, Tennessee, Mississippi, and Louisiana. Unfortunately, we received word too late in the game that John had to be back in Austin by Monday at 4pm for kindergarten orientation, which did turn out to be very important and something we would have regretted missing. So out went the fun and it was pedal to the metal. We dropped Lauren and Edie at the airport around 5:30pm Sunday, giving us 22.5 hours to make it 14 hours back to Austin. Even though there was a more direct route through Missouri that connected back with I-35, I decided to do something different and see a part of the country I’d never visited before.

So, we went south of St Louis through Mark Twain National Forest. It was very nice scenery and very minimal traffic on a 4-lane divided highway for hours. When we finally hit the state line in far northeast Arkansas, however, the roads turned to two lanes, the sun went down, and towns were very sparse. At this point, John was sick and tired of the trip and regretted not flying home with the girls, which at one time was on the table. He bawled and bawled. So I gave in and let him grab whatever junk he wanted at gas stations to calm him down—he bought a toy gun, Gatorade, and M&Ms. It quieted him down for a while, but soon he was bawling again. He cried himself to sleep as we continued through Arkansas well into the night.

I had made the decision earlier in the night to try to pull an all-nighter, so I stopped for coffee at every McDonald’s on the way. But at 1:30, even though I was still feeling alright physically, I was getting blown off the road by semis on I-30. I kept spotting deer in the ditches, and was afraid of hitting one, so I was going at best 58mph. I guess the semis wouldn’t have cared too much if they hit one cause they kept blowing around me at 80mph. So, I finally vowed to pull off at the next lodging sign I saw. It happened to be a random motel called the Southfork Inn, outside a town called Gurdon, Arkansas. I buzzed on the intercom holding a limp child, asking for a room. I got the key and tossed him on the bed. Despite being wildly caffeinated, I quickly went to sleep. I got about four solid hours before waking at 6 to continue onward.

Day 12: Gurdon-Texarkana-Austin

The final push was Monday morning. A road-weary Johnny was promised fresh donuts for the drive, but had to settle for pre-packaged powder mini donuts from a dumpy truck stop. We reached Texarkana, and I had the option of heading south towards Shreveport or heading on west towards Dallas. It wouldn’t have been too much further to hit the Louisiana border and then drive over to Austin, but I decided the quickest route was best, and continued on towards DFW, site of the worst traffic of the trip. And once again, upon reaching the giant metro, it was more white knuckle driving. I regretted the decision to cut a few miles off and visit a new state only to wind up back in that mess. With a brief stop here and there for snacks, we finally reached Austin around 1:30 and had arrived home with 3,008 miles on the van. So close to a round 3,000!

The IA/IL border

Roadstop rest

Bye girls! Dropping Mama and Edie at St Louis airport

Sun setting somewhere on the road

A fricking exhausted kid

Wiped out at the rural Arkansas roadside motel

HOME AT LAST

Post-Trip Thoughts

Unlike last year’s Black Hills trip, I returned home from this trip feeling very good about the things we were able to do and see. I upped my game tremendously in terms of pre-trip research this time around. I had about three possible attractions in every town between Austin and Vermillion to stop off and see, and every time the mood struck, we pulled off and saw one of them. The trick for researching fun road trip to-do items is not to rely on sites like RoadTrippers.com or RoadsideAmerica.com or whatever. Strictly Google the town, and Google provides a “travel guide” with top attractions. That’s where I found almost everything fun we did. No, we didn’t do everything on my list due to time constraints, but the fact that we did even half of them is pretty amazing.

We also had a blast catching up with old friends, colleagues, family and strangers along the way. Special thanks again to the Carmans, the LaPlants and Heronimuses, the Krogmans, and the Walshes for their hospitality!

What might I do differently if we were to do this trip again? For the first three days, nothing. Those days were perfect! Day 4 where we went from Vermillion to Sioux Falls to Watertown, I rushed things a bit. We could have easily found more interesting things to see on the way. I was anxious to get to the Walsh cabin, believing the whole family would be there when we arrived. But it turned out we had several hours alone. I might also have gone out to the farm for a day instead of spending two nights at the cabin. We were sad to not get to see Grandma Bell! Same goes for the drive from Watertown to Minneapolis… we made great time and got into town early, but didn’t really have a plan. I should have thought that out a little more and capitalized on a rare free afternoon in the greatest city on earth. After that, there wasn’t really much room to rethink things. The Galena part was pretty well structured, and the drive home left for virtually no lallygagging. I think it was the right amount of time to be away… Johnny was sick and tired of it by the very end, though, so I wouldn’t have extended it any. And I came back to work very refreshed.

Future Trips

Oh, my 2019 does not slow down at all. In the coming months are trips to Tulsa, a mystery Luke Katuin bachelor party destination, Des Moines for Luke’s wedding, probably Tulsa a second time, and maybe even a 10-year wedding anniversary trip in November if we can make it work. But for road trips like this? I fully intend to do something of this nature every year from now on. The kids have long breaks from school and daycare, and I work remotely and have a great PTO plan at my job, so it should be easy to get away. Also, I kind of enjoy driving in general. I get to drive outside the Austin city limits so infrequently, it feels very good to just hit the open roads for an extended period of time. I just wish I could avoid Dallas! The kids probably won’t actually enjoy long car rides for a while yet, but they will learn to like them eventually. I remember distinctly in 1991, nearly 9 years old, so stoked to go on the 7-hour drive to the Black Hills. I sat in the backseat of the Oldsmobile with a notebook and wrote down everything I saw on the way: every town name, every attraction, etc. But to that point in my life trips were extremely rare/nonexistent, so of course it was a thrill.

I hope you’ve enjoyed hearing every detail about my journey.

Road Trip 2019 You probably want to read it, so here it is... EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENED ON OUR ROAD TRIP!!!!

[sandiegodjstaci]

Karla & Brandon's Bali Hai Wedding Rager

Karla & Brandon's Bali Hai Wedding Rager

Of all the San Diego wedding DJs calling America’s finest city home, Karla & Brandon  chose me to DJ and MC their Bali Hai wedding (South Pacific Room) on  June 15, 2019. The following write-up is based on San Diego DJ Staci’s crazy organized & detailed outline for this Bali Hai Restaurant wedding.

  THE BALI HAI WEDDING CEREMONY

Prelude ➔ Piano, Vitamin String Quartet Processional ➔ Latch by Simply Three Bride

Processional ➔ “I Can’t Help Falling In Love With You” by Haley Reinhart

Recessional ➔ Brighter Than The Sun by Colbie Caillat (cue to 30 seconds/first chorus)

  (c) San Diego DJ Staci, the Track Star

  THE COCKTAIL HOUR & DINNER MUSIC

While San Diego DJ Staci offers couples pre-set cocktail & dinner playlists to choose from, Karla & Brandon opted to hand-select their background music for their Bali Hai restaurant wedding.

Cocktail Music ➔ Forever – Chris Brown, Everything – Michael Buble, Benny And The JetsElton John, L-O-V-E – Nat King Cole, Feel It Still – Portugal, The Man, I Do – Colbie Caillat, Africa – Toto, Sweet Home Chicago –Blues Brothers, Ob La Di – The Beatles, Hurts So Good– John Mellencamp, Wouldn’t It Be Nice – The Beach Boys, The Way You Make Me Feel – Michael Jackson, Build Me Up Buttercup – The Foundations, Sweet Child O’Mine – Guns N Roses, We Are Young – Fun, You Can’t Hurry Love – Phil Collins, Run-Around – Blues Travelers, Saturday In The Park – Chicago, Let’s Stay Together – Al Green

Dinner Music ➔ The Way I Am – Ingrid Michaelson, Cheek to Cheek – Fred Astaire, Feeling Good – Michael Buble, It Had To be You – Harry Connick Jr, The Way You Look Tonight – Frank Sinatra, Shh Boom – The Crew Cuts, Because You Loved Me – Celine Dion, Singin’ In The Rain – Gene Kelly, When I Fall In Love – Nat King Cole, Tiny Dancer – Elton John, Sea  Of Love – Cat Power, That’s Amore – Dean Martin, The Luckiest – Ben Folds, Somewhere Beyond The Sea – Bobby Darin, Fade Into You – Scarlett O’Connor & Gunnar Scott, Roses And Violets – Alexander Jean, Unforgettable – Nat King Cole, Fly Me To The Moon / Lucky – Jason Mraz & Colbie Caillat, In Your Eyes – Peter Gabriel, Iris – Goo Goo Dolls, Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You – Frankie Valli, My Kind of Town (Chicago Is) – Frank Sinatra

  (c) San Diego DJ Staci, the Track Star

  THE BILINGUAL BALI HAI WEDDING RECEPTION

MC Welcome ➔ Good evening! Welcome to Karla & Brandon  wedding reception!!! I am the  Master of Ceremonies, DJ Staci. Please take your seats so we can officially welcome our  guests of honor. Be sure to post your photos today with #MatchMadeInSabin. If you need to charge your devices, I do have a mini charging station up here including some universal  chargers. Let&  also take a minute to acknowledge a few noteworthy guests today. If you have traveled here from out of state, let me hear you. Out of the country? Quien esta aqui de afuera los estados unidos hoy?”

“Tonight I’m going to be sharing a lot of stories about Karla & Brandon with you. To get rolling,  lets tackle the first & I love you.& About 8 months after they had started dating, Karla & Brandon were chilling in his kitchen. There may have been a bottle of wine involved. Brandon suddenly said those three little words…Karla was overjoyed & she said them back.”

“Buenas tardes! Bienvenidos a la recepción de la boda de Daniela y Brandon! Yo soy la Maestra de Ceremonias, DJ Staci. Por favor tomen asiento para darle la bienvenida oficialmente a nuestros invitados de honor.”

“Ladies & gentlemen, put your hands together for the introduction of the wedding party!!!”

Grand Entrance

1. Mighty Wings – Cheap Trick ➔ “Brandon met him in 2010 while playing ice hockey and, to this day, this groomsman still can  &  handle a puck to save his life. Karla met this bridesmaid when they both attended SDSU…and Karla still can & decide whether she is more beautiful on  the inside or the outside. Give it up for Groomsman/Padrino Will & Bridesmaid/Dama Gaby!!!”

2. Danger Zone – Kenny Loggins ➔ “Brandon met this groomsman at Navy boot camp in 2013. He is known on the golf course as & Shank-Opotamus  &  and has yet to beat Brandon in a single round. Karla met this bridesmaid during their first year of high school. They were later roommates in college. Aztecs for life! She would still be in California if Joe had not stolen her away! Show some love to Groomsman/Padrino Alex & Bridesmaid/Dama Laura!!!”

3. Walking on sunshine – Katrina & The Waves ➔ “This groomsman met Brandon during his first year in the Navy. They were roommates together for two years in Washington D.C.  Brandon has never beaten him on the golf course. Several years ago, this bridesmaid was looking for a roommate on Craigslist–yep–and found her soul twin, Karla. Please welcome  Groomsman/Padrino Zach &  Bridesmaid/Dama Ny-Vee!!!”

4. Uptown Funk – Bruno Mars ➔  “Brandon met him many years ago while playing ice hockey. We”ll see if he can dance tonight, considering he shattered his what bone 4 months ago. Karla is proudly related to the next bridesmaid. She is a total bad ass, a world traveler, a star dancer and she just got accepted into Georgetown University for a Masters in Nursing! Brace yourself Washington, D.C.! Give it up for Groomsman/Padrino Branden & Bridesmaid/Dama Melissa!!!”

5. Shut up and Dance – Walk the Moon ➔ “He   the groom go back 26 years and share the same parents—oh snap! Brandon taught him how to skate, golf, and be awesome. Karla and this bridesmaid have been friends since high school. She has a country soul with a city girl drive. From LA to New York to Michigan, their friendship will be strong no matter where they go. Show some love to Groomsman/Padrino Ryan and Bridesmaid/Dama Bianca!!!”

6. Macarena – Bayside Boys Remix ➔ “Brandon met the Best Man his first year of hockey. Initially, he didn  &  like Brandon, in fact, he probably still doesn  & but all it took was a case of bud light to get him to be the Best Man today. Karla and the Maid of Honor share the same dad, but they became true sisters in 2013. They are forever opposites but forever inseparable. Please welcome Best Man/Padrino Tory & Maid of Honor/Dama de Honor Dulce!!!”

➔ Best day of my life – American Authors ➔ “They met in February of 2016. Together they enjoy drinking wine & spoiling their fur baby, Odin. She puts up with his golf &  hockey. He puts up with her inability to sit still and never ending trips. She’s confident that Brandon will one day be bilingual. For their honeymoon, they are planning a cruise around Europe. Ladies &  gentlemen, damas y caballeros, get on your feet, ponganse de pie, to welcome, por la primera vez—for the FIRST   TIME   EVER—Mr. and Mrs. S—-!!!”

➔ First Dance ➔ Come Kiss Me – Tryon ➔ fade early: at the 2:40 ➔ On July 8, 2017, Brandon & Karla were at a winery in Traverse City, overlooking Lake Michigan. They were spending a lovely day at the winery, and Brandon had mentioned that he had a gift for her but had forgotten it. Later that afternoon, Brandon asked a waiter to snap a photo of them. As they were posing for the photo, Brandon said, & Remember I had a gift for you? & and he pulled a ring box out of his pocket. The waiter snapped the pic as Brandon asked her a very important question. I think we know how she answered because we are about to Mr. and Mrs. S—– to the dance floor for their first dance as husband and wife. Y ahora recibamos al Senor y la Senora S—- en la pista para su primer baile como marido y mujer.”

➔ Newlywed Brief Welcome/Thank You Speech ➔ “And now a few words from the bride & groom. Y ahora algunas palabras de los novios.”

➔ Dinner Blessing ➔ “Now lets & welcome the mother of the bride, Maricela, who will give a dinner blessing. Y ahora la mama de la novia, Maricela, va a dar un bendicion sobre la cena.” 7:30 pm

7:45 / 8:00 +/- PM ➔ Shoe Game ➔  “Ladies &  gentlemen, I hope you are enjoying your meals. Right now, Brandon &  Karla are going to play a sort of Newlywed Game…they will sit back-to-back on the dance floor, each holding one of their own shoes & one of the other  person & shoes. I will ask them some questions, like & Who is taller? & and they would both presumably hold up Brandon’s shoe.”

“Brandon y Daniela van a jugar un juego para los recién casados. Cada uno va a tener un zapato suyo y el otro un zapato del otro. Voy a prejuntarles cosas como,& Quién es más alto & y los dos levantar el zapato de Brandon…porque el es mas alto.”

“Ready? Listos?”

Who has the craziest family? Quien tiene la familia mas loca?

Who is the biggest baby when they get sick? Quien es un llorona cuando se enferma?

Who loves Odin more? Quien quiere mas a Odin?

Who is most likely to eat their dessert first? Quien es mas probable a comer su postre primero?  Who is the safest driver? Quien maneja lo mas seguro?

Who is most argumentative? A quien le gusta pelear mas?

Who apologizes first after an argument? Quien dice una disculpa primera despues un argumento?

Who is in charge of the remote control? Quien esta en cargado de el control por la television?

Who is a better dancer? Quien es el mejor bailador?

Quien probablemente no entiende esta prejunta?

Toasts ➔ champagne ➔  Ladies & gentlemen, I hope you are enjoying your meals. May I  have your attention please for the toasts. Damas y caballeros, Me permiten su atención por favor para el brindis? Welcome our first speaker… Recibamos a nuestra primera oradora:”

➔ Maid of Honor, Dama de Honor, Dulce

➔ Best Man, Padrino, Tory

➔  Father-Daughter Dance ➔ “My Wish” Rascal Flatts ➔ fade early: yes ➔ “Now lets welcome Karla and her dad, Bernardo, to the dance floor. Y ahora recibamos a Daniela y su papa, Bernardo, a la pista para un baile especial.”

➔ Mother-Son Dance ➔ “Mother Like Mine,” The Band Perry ➔ fade early: yes ➔ “Brandon says:  I could always talk to my mom about anything. She was always there to hear me, no matter what I had to say. She was the anchor of our family that, still to this day, holds everything together. I admire her love for family and that there is always a place in her home for a good laugh or an occasional cry. Now lets  welcome Brandon & his mother, Melanie, to the dance floor to share a special dance. Y ahora recibamos a Brandon y su madre, Melanie, a la pista.”

➔ Group Photo on Dance Floor

➔ Open Dancing

9:30 +/- ➔ Garter Removal/Liga ➔ “Rico Suave,” Gerardo

➔ Garter Toss/Liga ➔ “Bad Boys  Cops Theme; Inner Circle ➔ Braveheart Quote: yes

➔ Bouquet Toss/Rama ➔ “Labels or Love” Fergie

➔ Vibora de la Mar ➔ Al La Vibora de la Mar, Grupo I ➔  Now were going to do a Mexican wedding tradition, known in English as the Snake of the Sea. I need all the men in the room to line up on the dance floor. If this is your first time doing this, hold on to your hats because you in for a wild ride! Ahora la Vibora de la Mar!”

➔ Money Dance/Baile de Billete ➔ regular dance music, pass out the glowsticks ➔ & Please join us on the dance floor for the Money Dance. This is another Mexican wedding tradition where guests pay to dance with tonight’s guests of honor. Ahora el baile de billete con musica moderna.”

11:25 PM ➔  Last Dance

  (c) San Diego DJ Staci, the Track Star

  KARLA & BRANDON’S DANCE MUSIC RECIPE

Dance Music Rating ➔ PG-13 early on then some R/X-rated as it gets later

Priority During Dancing ➔ maximum dancing/use my expertise to read the crowd

50% English, 50% Spanish

Play A Lot – Top 40/Pop, 80s, 90s, 2000s, Hip Hop/RB, Electronic Dance Music Cumbias, Salsa

Play A Few – Oldies, 70s/Classic Rock, Motown/Funk, Slow Dances Banda, Merengue, Rock en Espanol, Zapateados, Nortenos, Bachata, Reggaeton, Corridos

♥ M U S T – P L A Y S ♥

Danza Kuduro Don Omar, Amor prohibido by Selena, La Flor by Selena, La Chona Los Tucanes, Caballo Dorado Line Dance, Cha Cha Slide Line Dance, Cupid Shuffle Line Dance, “1999” Prince, Shout- Isley Bros

♥ P L A Y   I F   Y O U   C A N ♥

El Coco No Roberto Junior, Pasame La Botella By letra, Sonidito Banda MS, Vivir Mi Vida Marc Anthony, El Sinaloense Recodo, Mambo #5 Lou Vega, Despacito Justin Bieber version Sweet Caroline – Neil Diamond, Se Me Olvido Otra Vez By Mana, LaPuerta Negra Los Tigres, “La Cintura” Alvaro Soler, “Livin &  la Vida Loca” Ricky Martin, “I Like It” Enrique Iglesias and Pitbull, “Party Rock Anthem” LMFAO, Suavemente Elvis Crespo, Inolvidable by Jenni Rivera, Si yo fuera lardon- el chapo slow dance, Ven Bailalo By Angel y Khriz

♥ D O  N O T   P L A Y S ♥

Rap, Big Band/Rat Pack, Trap, Tween/Childrens, heavy metal, rap, disco, country, kids/tween

  BALI HAI  (SOUTH PACIFIC ROOM) WEDDING FLOOR PLAN

  SAN DIEGO WEDDING VENDOR LIST

Here is the amazing team of San Diego wedding vendors I had the pleasure of working with on this Bali Hai wedding (South Pacific Room):

Venue/Catering ➔ Bali Hai Restaurant

DJ/MC/Lighting ➔ DJ Staci, the Track Star

Band ➔ Francisco Astudillo from Tiku Records

Photographer/Videographer ➔ Jennie Edwards, Guided by Imagination

Cake Bakery ➔ Bride’s Mother

Florist ➔ DIY

Again, I was honored to be the one and only San Diego wedding DJ Karla & Brandon trusted with their Bali Hai restaurant wedding. Thank you!

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  GIVE IT TO ME BABY

[pamphletstoinspire]

Ash Wednesday

Lent (the word “Lent” comes from the Old English “lencten,” meaning “springtime) lasts from Ash Wednesday to the Vespers of Holy Saturday — forty days + six Sundays which don't count as “Lent” liturgically. The Latin name for Lent, Quadragesima, means forty and refers to the forty days Christ spent in the desert which is the origin of the Season.The last two weeks of Lent are known as “Passiontide,” made up of Passion Week and Holy Week. The last three days of Holy Week — Maundy Thursday, Good Friday, and Holy Saturday — are known as the “Sacred Triduum.”

The focus of this Season is the Cross and penance, penance, penance as we imitate Christ's forty days of fasting, like Moses and Elias before Him, and await the triumph of Easter. We fast (see below), abstain, mortify the flesh, give alms, and think more of charitable works. Awakening each morning with the thought, “How might I make amends for my sins? How can I serve God in a reparative way? How can I serve others today?” is the attitude to have.

We meditate on “The Four Last Things”: Death, Judgment, Heaven, and Hell, and we also practice mortifications by “giving up something” that would be a sacrifice to do without. The sacrifice could be anything from desserts to television to the marital embrace, and it can entail, too, taking on something unpleasant that we'd normally avoid, for example, going out of one's way to do another's chores, performing “random acts of kindness,” etc. A practice that might help some, especially small children, to think sacrificially is to make use of “Sacrifice Beads” in the same way that St. Thérèse of Lisieux did as a child.

Because of the focus on penance and reparation, it is traditional to make sure we go to Confession at least once during this Season to fulfill the precept of the Church that we go to Confession at least once a year, and receive the Eucharist at least once a year during Eastertide. A beautiful old custom associated with Lenten Confession is to, before going to see the priest, bow before each member of your household and to any you've sinned against, and say, “In the Name of Christ, forgive me if I've offended you.” One responds with “God will forgive you.” Done with an extensive examination of conscience and a sincere heart, this practice can be quite healing (also note that confessing sins to a priest is a Sacrament which remits mortal and venial sins; confessing sins to those you've offended is a sacramental which, like all sacramentals one piously takes advantage of, remits venial sins. Both are quite good for the soul!)

In addition to mortification and charity, seeing and living Lent as a forty day spiritual retreat is a good thing to do. Spiritual reading should be engaged in (over and above one's regular Lectio Divina). Maria von Trapp recommended “the Book of Jeremias and the works of Saints, such as The Ascent of Mount Carmel, by St. John of the Cross; The Introduction to a Devout Life, by St. Francis de Sales; The Story of a Soul, by St. Thérèse of Lisieux; The Spiritual Castle, by St. Teresa of Avila; the Soul of the Apostolate, by Abbot Chautard; the books of Abbot Marmion, and similar works.”

As to prayer, praying the beautiful Seven Penitential Psalms (Psalms 6, 31, 37, 50, 101, 129, and 142) is a traditional practice. It is most traditional to pray all of these each day of Lent, but if time is an issue, you can pray them all on just the Fridays of Lent, or, because there are seven of them, and seven Fridays in Lent, you might want to consider praying one on each Friday. These Psalms, which include the Psalms “Miserére” and “De Profundis,” are perfect expressions of contrition and prayers for mercy. So apt are these Psalms at expressing contrition that, as he lay dying in A.D. 430, St. Augustine asked that a monk write them in large letters near his bed so he could easily read them.

Another great prayer for this season is that of St. Ephraem, Doctor of the Church (d. 373). This prayer is often prayed with a prostration after each stanza:

O Lord and Master of my life, take from me the spirit of sloth, despondency, lust of power, and idle talk;

But grant rather the spirit of chastity, humility, patience, and love to thy servant.

Yea, O Lord and King, grant me to see my own transgressions, and not to judge my brother; for blessed art Thou unto the ages of ages.

In the East, this prayer is prayed liturgically during Lent and is followed by “O God, cleanse me a sinner” prayed twelve times, with a bow following each, and one last prostration.

Also, on all Fridays during Lent, one may gain a plenary indulgence, under the usual conditions, by reciting the En ego, O bone et dulcissime Iesu (Prayer Before a Crucifix) before an image of Christ crucified.

Food in Lent

According to the 1983 Code of Canon Law, the rule for the universal Church during Lent is abstain on all Fridays (inside or outside of Lent) and to both fast and abstain on Ash Wednesday and Good Friday.

Some traditional Catholics might follow the older pattern of fasting and abstinence during this time, which for the universal Church required:

Ash Wednesday, all Fridays, and all Saturdays: fasting and total abstinence. This means 3 meatless meals — with the two smaller meals not equaling in size the main meal of the day — and no snacking.

Mondays, Tuesdays, Wednesdays (except Ash Wednesday), and Thursdays: fasting and partial abstinence from meat. This means three meals — with the two smaller meals not equaling in size the main meal of the day — and no snacking, but meat can be eaten at the principle meal. On those days of fasting and abstinence, meatless soup is traditional. Sundays, of course, are always free of fasting and abstinence; even in the heart of Lent, Sundays are about the glorious Resurrection. This pattern of fasting and abstinence ends after the Vigil Mass of Holy Saturday.

As to special Lenten foods, vegetables, seafood's, salads, pastas, and beans mark the Season, in addition to the meatless soups. The fasting of this time once even precluded the eating of eggs and fats, so the chewy pretzel became the bread and symbol of the times. They'd always been a Christian food, ever since Roman times, their very shape being the creation of monks. The three holes represent the Holy Trinity, and the twists of the dough represent the arms of someone praying. In fact, the word “pretzel” is a German word deriving ultimately from the Latin “bracellae,” meaning “little arms” (the Vatican has the oldest known representation of a pretzel, found on a 5th c. manuscript). Below is a recipe for the large, soft, chewy pretzels that go so well with beer. 

BY ST. THOMAS AQUINAS Ash Wednesday : Death

By one man sin entered into this world, and by sin death.–Rom. v. 12.

1. If for some wrongdoing a man is deprived of some benefit once given to him, that he should lack that benefit is the punishment of his sin.

Now in man's first creation he was divinely endowed with this advantage that, so long as his mind remained subject to God, the lower powers of his soul were subjected to the reason and the body was subjected to the soul.

But because by sin man's mind moved away from its subjection to God, it followed that the lower parts of his mind ceased to be wholly subjected to the reason. From this there followed such a rebellion of the bodily inclination against the reason, that the body was no longer wholly subject to the soul.

Whence followed death and all the bodily defects. For life and wholeness of body are bound up with this, that the body is wholly subject to the soul, as a thing which can be made perfect is subject to that which makes it perfect. So it comes about that, conversely, there are such things as death, sickness and every other bodily defect, for such misfortunes are bound up with an incomplete subjection of body to soul.

2. The rational soul is of its nature immortal, and therefore death is not natural to man in so far as man has a soul. It is natural to his body, for the body, since it is formed of things contrary to each other in nature, is necessarily liable to corruption, and it is in this respect that death is natural to man.

But God who fashioned man is all powerful. And hence, by an advantage conferred on the first man, He took away that necessity of dying which was bound up with the matter of which man was made. This advantage was however withdrawn through the sin of our first parents.

Death is then natural, if we consider the matter of which man is made and it is a penalty, inasmuch as it happens through the loss of the privilege whereby man was preserved from dying.

3. Sin–original sin and actual sin–is taken away by Christ, that is to say, by Him who is also the remover of all bodily defects. He shall quicken also your mortal bodies, because of His Spirit that dwelleth in you (Rom. viii. II).

But, according to the order appointed by a wisdom that is divine, it is at the time which best suits that Christ takes away both the one and the other, i.e., both sin and bodily defects.

Now it is only right that, before we arrive at that glory of impassibility and immortality which began in Christ, and which was acquired for us through Christ, we should be shaped after the pattern of Christ's sufferings. It is then only right that Christ's liability to suffer should remain in us too for a time, as a means of our coming to the impassibility of glory in the way He himself came to it. 

BY ABBOT GUERANGER ASH WEDNESDAY Yesterday the world was busy in its pleasures, and the very children of God were taking a joyous farewell to mirth: but this morning, all is changed. The solemn announcement, spoken of by the prophet, has been proclaimed in Sion: the solemn fast of Lent, the season of expiation, the approach of the great anniversaries of our Redemption. Let us then rouse ourselves, and prepare for the spiritual combat.

But in this battling of the spirit against the flesh we need good armor. Our Holy Mother the Church knows how much we need it; and therefore does She summon us to enter into the house of God, that She may arm us for the holy contest. What this armor is we know from St. Paul, who thus describes it: “Have your loins girt about with truth, and having on the breastplate of justice. And your feet shod with the preparation of the Gospel of peace. In all things, taking the shield of Faith. Take unto you the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the Word of God” (Eph. 6: 14-17). The very Prince of the Apostles, too, addresses these solemn words to us: “Christ having suffered in the flesh, be ye also armed with the same thought” (1 Peter 4: 1). We are entering today upon a long campaign of the warfare spoken of by the Apostles: forty days of battle, forty days of penance. We shall not turn cowards, if our souls can but be impressed with the conviction, that the battle and the penance must be gone through. Let us listen to the eloquence of the solemn rite which opens our Lent. Let us go whither our Mother leads us, that is, to the scene of the fall.

The enemies we have to fight with, are of two kinds: internal and external. The first are our passions; the second are the devils. Both were brought on us by pride, and man's pride began when he refused to obey his God. God forgave him his sin, but He punished him. The punishment was death, and this was the form of the divine sentence: “For dust thou art, and into dust thou shalt return” (Gen. 3: 19). Oh that we had remembered this! The recollection of what we are and what we are to be, would have checked that haughty rebellion, which has so often led us to break the law of God. And if, for the time to come, we would persevere in loyalty to Him, we must humble ourselves, accept the sentence, and look on this present life as a path to the grave. The path may be long or short; but to the tomb it must lead us. Remembering this, we shall see all things in their true light. We shall love that God, Who has deigned to set His Heart on us, notwithstanding our being creatures of death: we shall hate, with deepest contrition, the insolence and ingratitude, wherewith we have spent so many of our few days of life, that is, in sinning against our Heavenly Father: and we shall be not only willing, but eager, to go through these days of penance, which He so mercifully gives us for making reparation to His offended justice.

This was the motive the Church had in enriching Her liturgy with the solemn rite, at which we are to assist today. When centuries ago She decreed the anticipation of the Lenten fast by the last four days of Quinquagesima week, She instituted this impressive ceremony of signing the foreheads of Her children with ashes, while saying to them those awful words, wherewith God sentenced us to death: “Remember man that thou art dust, and unto dust thou shalt return!” But the making use of ashes as a symbol of humiliation and penance, is of a much earlier date than the institution to which we allude. We find frequent mention of it in the Old Testament. Job, though a Gentile, sprinkled his flesh with ashes, that thus humbled, he might propitiate the Divine mercy (Job 16: 16): and this was 2,000 years before the coming of the Savior. The royal prophet tells us of himself, that he mingled ashes with his bread, because of the Divine anger and indignation (Ps. 101: 10, 11). Many such examples are to be met with in the sacred Scriptures; but so obvious is the analogy between the sinner who thus signifies his grief, and the object whereby he signifies it, that we read such instances without surprise. When fallen man would humble himself before the Divine justice, which has sentenced his body to return to dust, how could he more aptly express his contrite acceptance of the sentence, than by sprinkling himself, or his food, with ashes, which is the dust of wood consumed by fire? This earnest acknowledgment of his being himself but dust and ashes, is an act of humility, and humility ever gives him confidence in that God, Who resists the proud and pardons the humble.

It is probable that, when this ceremony of the Wednesday after Quinquagesima was first instituted, it was not intended for all the faithful, but only for such as had committed any of those crimes for which the Church inflicted a public penance. Before the Mass of the day began, they presented themselves at the church, where the people were all assembled. The priests received the confession of their sins, and then clothed them in sackcloth, and sprinkled ashes on their heads. After this ceremony, the clergy and the faithful prostrated, and recited aloud the Seven Penitential Psalms. A procession, in which the penitents walked barefoot, then followed; and on its return, the bishop addressed these words to the penitents: “Behold, we drive you from the doors of the church by reason of your sins and crimes, as Adam, the first man, was driven out of paradise because of his transgression.” The clergy then sang several responsories, taken from the Book of Genesis, in which mention was made of the sentence pronounced by God when He condemned man to eat his bread in the sweat of his brow, for that the earth was cursed on account of sin. The doors were then shut, and the penitents were not to pass the threshold until Holy Thursday, when they were to come and receive absolution.

Dating from the 11th century, the discipline of public penance began to fall into disuse, and the holy rite of putting ashes on the heads of all the faithful indiscriminately became so general that, at length, it was considered as forming an essential part of the Roman Liturgy. Formerly, it was the practice to approach bare-footed to receive this solemn memento of our nothingness; and in the 12th century, even the Pope himself, when passing from the church of St. Anastasia to that of St. Sabina, at which the station was held, went the whole distance bare-footed, as also did the Cardinals who accompanied him. The Church no longer requires this exterior penance; but She is as anxious as ever that the holy ceremony, at which we are about to assist, should produce in us the sentiments She intended to convey by it, when She first instituted it.

As we have just mentioned, the station in Rome is at St. Sabina, on the Aventine Hill. It is under the patronage of this holy Martyr that we open the penitential season of Lent. The liturgy begins with the Blessing of the Ashes, which are to be put on our foreheads. These ashes are made from the palms, which were blessed the previous Palm Sunday. The blessing they are now to receive in this their new form, is given in order that they may be made more worthy of that mystery of contrition and humility which they are intended to symbolize.

When the priest puts the holy emblem of penance upon you, accept in a spirit of submission, the sentence of death, which God Himself pronounces against you: “Remember, man, that thou art dust, and unto dust thou shalt return!” Humble yourself, and remember what it was (pride) that brought the punishment of death upon us: man wished to be as a god, and preferred his own will to that of his Sovereign Master.

Reflect, too, on that long list of sins, which you have added to the sin of your first parents, and adore the mercy of your God, Who asks only one death for all these your transgressions.

“When you fast, do not look gloomy like the hypocrites” (Matt. 6: 16). In the Gospel of the Mass, we learn that our Redeemer would not have us receive the announcement of the great fast as one of sadness and melancholy. The Christian who understands what a dangerous thing it is to be a debtor to Divine justice, welcomes the season of Lent with joy; it consoles him. He knows that if he be faithful in observing what the Church prescribes, his debt will be less heavy upon him. These penances, these satisfactions (which the indulgence of the Church has rendered so easy), being offered to God united with those of our Savior Himself, and being rendered fruitful by that holy fellowship which blends into one common propitiatory sacrifice the good works of all the members of the Church militant, will purify our souls, and make them worthy to partake in the grand Easter joy. Let us not, then, be sad because we are to fast; let us be sad only because we have sinned and made fasting a necessity. In this same Gospel, our Redeemer gives us a second counsel, which the Church will often bring before us during the whole course of Lent: it is that of joining almsdeeds with our fasting. He bids us to lay up treasures in Heaven. For this we need intercessors; let us seek them amidst the poor.

Every day during Lent, Sundays and feasts excepted, the priest before dismissing the faithful, adds after the Postcommunion a special prayer, which is preceded by these words of admonition: “Let us pray. Bow down your heads to God.” On this day he continues: “Mercifully look down upon us, O Lord, bowing down before Thy Divine Majesty, that they who have been refreshed with Thy Divine Mysteries, may always be supported by Thy heavenly aid. Through Our Lord Jesus Christ… Amen.” (9)

BY REV. JAMES LUKE MEAGHER, 1883 The fast of Lent begins on Ash Wednesday and lasts till Easter Sunday. During this time there are forty-six days, but as we do not fast on the six Sundays falling in this time, the fast lasts for forty days. For that reason it is called the forty days of Lent. In the Latin language of the Church it is called the Quadragesima, that is, forty. St. Peter, the first Pope, instituted the forty days of Lent. During the forty-six days from Ash Wednesday to Easter, we are to spend the time in fasting and in penance for our sins, building up the temple of the Lord within our hearts, after having come forth from the Babylon of this world by the rites and the services of the Septuagesima season. And as of old we read that the Jews, after having been delivered from their captivity in Babylon, spent forty-six years in building their temple in place of the grand edifice raised by Solomon and destroyed by the Babylonians, thus must we rebuild the temple of the Holy Ghost, built by God at the moment of our baptism, but destroyed by the sins of the past year. Again in the Old Testament the tenth part of all the substance of the Jews was given to the Lord (Exod. xxli. 29). Thus we must give him the tenth part of our time while on this earth. For forty days we fast, but taking out the Sundays of Lent, when there is no fast, it leaves thirty-six days, nearly the tenth part of the three hundred and sixty-five days of the year. According to Pope Gregory from the first Sunday of Lent to Easter, there are six weeks, making forty-two days, and when we take from Lent the six Sundays during which we do not fast, we have left thirty-six days, about the tenth part of the three hundred and sixty-five days of the year.

The forty days of fasting comes down to us from the Old Testament, for we read that Moses fasted forty days on the mount (Exod. xxiv. et xxxiv. 28). We are told that Elias fasted for forty days (III. Kings xix. 8), and again we see that our Lord fasted forty days in the desert (Math. iv.; Luke ix). We are to follow the example of these great men of the old law. But in order to make up the full fast of forty days of Moses, of Elias and of our Lord, Pope Gregory commanded the fast of Lent to begin on Ash Wednesday before the first Sunday of the Lenten season.

Christ began his fast of forty days after his baptism in the Jordan, on Epiphany, the twelfth of January, when he went forth into the desert. But we do not begin the Lent after Epiphany, because there are other feasts and seasons in which to celebrate the mysteries of the childhood of our Lord before we come to his fasting, and because during these forty days of Lent we celebrate the forty years of the Jews in the desert, who, when their wanderings were ended, they celebrated their Easter, while we hold ours after the days of Lent are finished. Again, during Lent, we celebrate the passion of our Lord, and as after His passion came His resurrection, thus we celebrate the glories of His resurrection at Easter.

During the services of Lent we read so often the words: “Humble your heads before the Lord,” and “let us bend our knees,” because it is the time when we should humble ourselves before God and bend our knees in prayers. After the words, “Let us bend our knees,” comes the word, “Arise.” These words are never said on Sunday, but only on week days, for Sunday is dedicated to the resurrection of our Lord. Pope Gregory says: “Who bends the knee on Sunday denies God to have risen.” We bend our knees and prostrate ourselves to the earth in prayer, to show the weakness of our bodies, which are made of earth; to show the weakness of our minds and imagination, which we cannot control; to show our shame for sin, for we cannot lift our eyes to heaven; to follow the example of our Lord, who came down from heaven and prostrated himself on the ground in the garden when in prayer (Matt. xxvi. 39); to show that we were driven from Paradise and that we are prone towards earthly things; to show that we follow the example of our father in the faith, Abraham, who, falling upon the earth, adored the Lord (Gen. xviii. 2). This was the custom from the beginning of the Christian Church, as Origen says: “The holy prophets when they were surrounded with trials fell upon their faces, that their sins might be purged by the affliction of their bodies.” Thus following the words of St. Paul: “I bow my knees to the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ (Ephes. iii. 14),” we prostrate ourselves and bend our knees in prayer. From Ash Wednesday to Passion Sunday the Preface of Lent is said every day, unless there comes a feast with a Preface of its own. That custom was in vogue as far back as the twelfth century.

At other times of the year, the clergy say the Office of Vespers after noon, but an ancient Council allowed Vespers to be commenced after Mass. This is when the Office is said altogether by the clergy in the choir. The same may be done by each clergyman when reciting privately his Office. This cannot be done on the Sundays of Lent, as they are not fasting days. The “Go, the dismissal is at hand,” is not said, but in its place, “Let us bless the Lord,” for, from the earliest times the clergy and the people remained in the church to sing the Vesper Office and to pray during this time of fasting and of penance.

We begin the fast of Lent on Wednesday, for the most ancient traditions of the Church tell us that while our Lord was born on Sunday, he was baptized on Tuesday, and began his fast in the desert on Wednesday. Again, Solomon began the building of his great temple on Wednesday, and we are to prepare our bodies by fasting, to become the temples of the Holy Ghost, as the Apostle says, “Know you not that you are the temple of God, and that the Spirit of God dwelleth in you (I. Cor. iii. 16)?” To begin well the Lent, one of the old Councils directed all the people with the clergy to come to the church on Ash Wednesday to assist at the Mass and the Vesper Offices and to give help to the poor, then they were allowed to go and break their fast.

The name Ash Wednesday comes from the ceremony of putting ashes on the heads of the clergy and the people on this day. Let us understand the meaning of this rite. When man sinned by eating in the garden the forbidden fruit, God drove him from Paradise with the words: “For dust thou art, and unto dust thou shalt return (Gen. iii. 19).” Before his sin, Adam was not to die, but to be carried into heaven after a certain time of trial here upon this earth. But he sinned, and by that sin he brought upon himself and us, his children, death. Our bodies, then, are to return to the dust from which God made them, to which they are condemned by the sin of Adam. What wisdom the Church shows us when she invites us by these ceremonies to bring before our minds the dust and the corruption of the grave by putting ashes on our heads. We see the great men of old doing penance in sackcloth and ashes. Job did penance in dust and ashes (Job ii. 12). By the mouth of His prophet the Lord commanded the Jews “in the house of the dust sprinkle yourselves with dust (Mich. i. 10).” Abraham said, “I will speak to the Lord, for I am dust and ashes (Gen xviii. 27).” Joshua and all the ancients of Israel fell on their faces before the Lord and put dust upon their heads (Joshua vii. 6). When the ark of the covenant was taken by the Philistines, the soldier came to tell the sad story with his head covered with dust (I Kings iv. 12).

When Job's three friends came and found him in such affliction, “they sprinkled dust upon their heads toward heaven (Job ii. 12).” “The sorrows of the daughters of Israel are seen in the dust upon their heads (Lam. ii. 10).” Daniel said his prayers to the Lord his God in fasting, sackcloth and ashes (Dan. ix. 3). Our Lord tells us that if in Tyre and Sidon had been done the miracles seen in Judea, that they had long ago done penance in sackcloth and ashes (Matt. xi. 21; Luke x. 13). When the great city will be destroyed, its people will cry out with grief, putting dust upon their heads (Apoc. xviii. 19). From these parts of the Bible, the reader will see that dust and ashes were used by the people of old as a sign of deep sorrow for sin, and that when they fasted they covered their heads with ashes. From them the Church copied these ceremonies which have come down to us. And on this day, when we begin our fast, we put ashes on our heads with the words, “Remember, man, that thou art dust, and into dust thou shalt return (Gen. iii. 19).”

In the beginning of the Church the ceremony of putting the ashes on the heads of the people was only for those who were guilty of sin, and who were to spend the season of Lent in public penance. Before Mass they came to the church, confessed their sins, and received from the hands of the clergy the ashes on their heads. Then the clergy and all the people prostrated themselves upon the earth and there recited the seven penitential psalms. Rising, they formed into a procession with the penitents walking barefooted. When they came back the penitents were sent out of the church by the bishop, saying : “We drive you from the bosom of the Church on account of your sins and for your crimes, as Adam, the first man was driven from Paradise because of his sin.” While the clergy were singing those parts of Genesis, where we read that God condemned our first parents to be driven from the garden and condemned to earn their bread by the sweat of their brow, the porters fastened the doors of the church on the penitents, who were not allowed to enter the temple of the Lord again till they finished their penance and came to be absolved on Holy Thursday (Gueranger, Le Temps de la Septuagesima, p. 242). After the eleventh century public penance began to be laid aside, but the custom of putting ashes on the heads of the clergy became more and more common, till at length it became part of the Latin Rite. Formerly they used to come up to the altar railing in their bare feet to receive the ashes, and that solemn notice of their death and of the nothingness of man. In the twelfth century the Pope and all his court came to the Church of St. Sabina, in Rome, walking all the way in his bare feet, from whence the title of the Mass said on Ash Wednesday is the Station at St. Sabina. 

[justmypath]

Cambodia:  day four

We arrived in Phnom Penh, the capital city of Cambodia.  It is a large port city with modern buildings interspersed with the old.  I had my usual bowl of soup for breakfast, along with rice cakes, fruit and a chocolate filled croissant.  We boarded a bus and went to the Killing Fields Memorial.  Our guide was Buntha (or “Buddha” – he was a monk for two years and has a shaven head) who shared his personal story of his life during the war.  He was 8 years old when he was taken by the military to be “brainwashed” and taught how to be a soldier.  His father was a teacher and both parents were killed, along with thousands of other educated and religious people.   

We walked past several areas where groups of people were buried.  In the center of the park is a memorial structure, which houses the skulls and other bones behind glassed shelves.  It was very emotional to hear our guide’s story and see human remains in the open graves.  

We returned to the bus and went to the S21 prison buildings.  There were three separate buildings, all were divided into small bricked cells to house the “victims”.  One building now has photos of those killed in the genocide (there were also photos of a handful of foreigners).  At the end of the tour, a survivor was signing autographs of his book and taking photos.   

It is very warm today, but the clouds are dark as I write this and maybe there will be rain later.

It was lunch time, and time for a bowl of chicken curry noddle soup.  I had vegetable tempura accompanied with a very yummy ponzu dipping sauce.  I’ve been eating a lot of fruit:  watermelon, pineapple, mango, papaya and Asian pear.  Our afternoon excursion was to visit the Royal Palace, a rather small site, compared to other palaces that I’ve been to.  The buildings are ornate, but in a simplistic, modest way.  There was one main pagoda housing gold items inside and we were only allowed to view it from the door and windows.  The ceiling had fresco paintings, it was difficult to see any details, but it looked like heavenly bodies and celestial scenery.  We walked around the complex that was filled with different shaped pagodas.  There were monks, monkeys, many tourists and sprinkles of rain.  Since our guide was a monk, he explained some of the symbolism in Theravada Buddhism: 1)  the tile has a pattern shaped like a dharma wheel with eight spokes, representing the eight-fold path, 2)  the four truths:  dana (giving), forgiveness, wisdom and equanimity,  3)  There are many elephant trunks on the roofs, raised upward for good luck. 4)  The colors on the buildings:  green, blue and yellow represent the monks/religion, the people’s republic and the king.  The Buddha is on the main pagoda, faces four directions and sees all.

Our next visit was to the National Museum that houses many antiques, mainly Buddha statues, pottery/vases, and stone carvings.  There was a small, pretty central garden.  The entire museum was small and we only needed a short time to see it (30-45 minutes). 

Young Cambodian children performed for us before dinner, four played instruments and one girl sang, others danced.  They performed about five numbers wearing traditional costumes.  It was entertaining to watch the young children dance. Many of the children had lost a parent during the war and were taught musical or dancing skills by the organizers of this performance group.   

For dinner, the theme was Cambodian food and amouk (a fish stew in coconut milk)  was served since it’s the traditional favorite dish.  P and J tried the fish cooked with egg and placed into a bamboo leaf basket.  I had a wok stir fry beef dish that was very good.  J and I had a kabocha (pumpkin) slice filled with mouse plus slightly fried sticky rice covered with sesame seeds for dessert - yum. 

After dinner, we walked across the street to the Phnom Penh night market, filled with rows of stalls – clothes, jewelry, bags, shoes, odds and ends; a small food court with tables/benches and mats on the ground to eat picnic-style.  The food stalls were selling barbequed skewers, noodle soup, coconut shavings, and tea.  We walked through all the rows and returned to the river boat for a good night’s sleep.