#05/07/24

[is-hinata-good-today]

july 5th, 2024

hinata gets more and more wonderful by the second!!

[the-problemattic]

friday, 05/07/2024

[dollboyy]

My boyfriend is finally coming home today. It's been weeks since I've seen him. I'm making chana masala for dinner I hope he tries some; I'm also dressing up cute because he deserves it honestly. Called me really small the other day which made me feel good, body dysmophia is a jerk.

- ix

[somephilosophercat]

Shitty day, shitty life

I think my blog should be called "not doing well". I don't remember when that title wouldn't be fitting to a title of the post and to what I have to say.

Things really ain't going well. I am on a small dose of new meds and I am at verge of a constant breakdown and feeling like shit. I am actually even thinking that the option of going on the old meds would be good but I need to give this combination a shot. Like nothing makes sense, I am frustrated with people and friends, I don't want anyone close and even Cob demanding things and being somewhat braty is overwhelming. I have so much hurt in me that everything is overwhelming.

Ever since my second therapist went for that long trip I am having serious attachment issues with her and I have feeling she doesn't know what to do with that. It's just in so so so much hurt and frustration and I have to stay with it for weeks at a time since she is not being around. I can't use almost any out of therapy communication because she is non stop traveling international and being busy with the other job she have. And when we had one coversation about that she thinks that this topic is done. Maybe for the normal people but my brain makes a lot of fuss all the time and needs lots of security to being able to stay connected. I really don't want her to go even though I am afraid that if I communicate everything she will conclude that my problems are too much for her.

And with T moving away of course I have lots and lots insecurities there also. And they both just can't find a way to help me with any of it. Not sure they are even trying. I don't know. I know my brain is not always telling the truth but also I just can't fight with the amount and intensity of it non stop. I just keep crying and hurting as I feel abandoned and scared.

Work is also such a shit show. Couple of years ago we had a merge with some international company and today one of the main guys there held a meeting where he basically just called us idiots for having to do maintenance of our code 60% of the time. Without even knowing anything about why. And ever since I am here the management is the problem, not developers, but nobody can say that because they would probably be fired. So of course we, at the end of the food chain are idiots and stupid. All I have to say to him is that he is just being an asshole, because true leader would never go and called his people idiots when he don't even know what is going on.

So yeah. Everything is nice. My head have no reason to be bad. And I am idiot for feeling anything. Just splendid.

Why do I have to keep living?

[rovingsolitarything]

05/07/24

Five of Wands

Imitation, competition and struggle, conflict, rivalry, gold, opulence.

Today has been something of a battle, even if not a particularly bloody one. Constantly batting back messages and small talk and ‘one extra task’… just keep your cool and make it til closing time.

- CJ

[yesitsvjays]

Craving my own cultural dish in the middle of the night is a different type of pain… how tf am I supposed to make raw fish without the fish. And I don’t even have anywhere near enough overripe bananas to make poke omfg I’m deceased

[myastrouniverse]

May/2024🌑♉️Am I in hell or Hamlet?

I know you are a good person Elliott. I know this because I thought you would be a cool boyfriend the first time I saw you. However that relationship ends up defining itself is up to our FREE WILL. I feel I must remind you infinitely that I infinitely love you. I like to take my own advice. It’s my theory we infinitely love each other, because we are infinitely learning from each other. Our kind of relationship is rather rare, so consider 30 years of obstacles to our actual dating process a warning and a blessing. The warning is that we are going to have a ‘Rocky’ start, but afterwards things should be smooth sailing.

I mastered the Divine Feminine and Divine Masculine within myself as well as the RAINBOW manifestations of White and Black Tara. Me, Myself and I playing Mercutio, in Romeo and Juliet, is symbolic of a WARNING. The Divine Feminine cannot manifest as DIVINE in a co-dependent fucking relationship. People need to come together AS COMPLETE, NOT COMPLETE EACH OTHER.

To be completely honest Mascis, the reason we didn’t get together earlier is because of our past life lesbian relationship, when YOU were Emily DICKinson. Being drunk bridesmaids NEVER a bride, was some of the best Spring/Summer seasons of my youth. Back in those days. Oh shit. Elliott. Remember the last time I saw you alive in this dimension? I was with a big fat lesbian, dancing right in front of Robin Banks in the back. Robin had an inappropriate relationship with one of my friends. I wanted to hand him some 🤡💩, so I flirted with him and then made out with that lesbian, right in front of his SAD CLOWN face. If Elliott NEEDS me to need him, I WANT to need him for as long as he WANTS to need me. I realize he has a lot of crazy 🤡💩 to psychologically process. I might be the best and only person qualified to assist him with his physical/spiritual issues. That’s how we reconcile shit.

I digress, going on…uh, the Divine Masculine cannot manifest itself until it reconciles the feminine within himself, rather than trying to force a reconciliation sexually. That is when the sacral chakra becomes poisoned. Consider Mercutio is STABBED in his DIVINE sacral chakra. You are forcing him to share his life force ENERGETICALLY with so MANY other people, he can no longer decipher his energy from the energy of others. People who are too sexually active are spiritually poisoning themselves, this poison divides divine feminine/divine masculine energies. It has the potential to poison actual TRUE LOVE. Without love what is the purpose of life itself? Consider your heart, under the will of God.

However, things are flowing east for me. I also WANT to need to hang around my favorite cyber buddy Mascis. I have a lot of books to write because I have so many fucking PhDs. Living in the West with my aspect, has me downloading waaaay too much information right now. I believe me physically moving east, where my Saturn aspects are activated, would allow me to slow down so I can articulately communicate my theories in a way Scientists can understand, instead of Fine Arts majors.

Mitchio, you SAVED the UNIVERSE. You are a true hero of the Galactic Federation of Planets. You may hold any high office you wish. Why not? You will only wish what is right to wish for. You gave me my PhD in Quantum Physics so I could give you YOUR PhD in Quantum Physics and by doing so I got my PhD in Theoretical Physics which I desperately needed. I needed a FOUNDATION for my Quantum Physics mistakes. I don’t agree with people giving out a Quantum Physics PhDs BEFORE they receive their PhD in Theoretical Physics, going FORWARD. Mitchio understands better than whoever you think you are. The reason he understands it better is because I can understand him when he speaks. That makes Dr. Mitchio Kaku an academic authority. I believe you are also an infinite being IN TRAINING, Dr. Kaku. This means you have infinite life as long as you are INFINITELY LEARNING. Dr. Kaku, I’ve known you since the early Art Bell days. I know idiots have shit on your work when they don’t understand it. I want to help you make what you understand more understandable and what we both don’t understand, we have INFINITE access to understand ANYTHING WE NEED TO UNDERSTAND. Don’t get caught up in our drama. I put that gold star on your door to protect you. We have access to divine knowledge together, the reason, is for reasonable balance.

Again, I am NOT doing aspects today because the voodoo cunts are losing their fucking whore minds. These REALLY CRAZY WEIRD FISHES are all the fuck in the parking lot, in the lobby, hopefully losing their religion or maybe at least some of their fucking stupid delusions.

J Mascis - Circle of Friends (Edie Brickell)

[sari-wn]

poor dannyyyyy hahahaha i love this so much

Today I worked on

Disillusioned: 913 words

Last sentence written:

But didn’t she understand just how much she had already hurt him?

[lance-thunder-reporting-live]

Good morning Amity Park, I'm your ghostly weatherman, Lance Thunder. Today's Friday, May 24, and there’s a 90% chance of rain and thunderstorms. Highs are in the mid eighties, and the lows are in the mid sixties.

A humanoid ghost which emits a strange amount of light gave multiple people sunburns yesterday before he was captured by Jack and Madeline Fenton. The Fentons intend to make a remedy for the ghostly sunburns.

On Monday, the traveling carnival will be leaving Amity Park, so this weekend is your last chance to visit until next year.

The Fentons will likely not be driving today.

[jtl-fics]

Pretty boy please!!!

WIP Wednesday 2/28/24 (CLOSED) | Pretty Boy

"Oh, we're getting the clothes from Goodwill right?" Aaron asks as they head to the check out.

"I'm not fucking up my clothes with fake blood." Andrew says with a roll of his eyes.

"Like anyone would even know. All of your clothes are black." Aaron's eyes roll right back at him. "What, is it the fact that it's fake that bugs you? Real blood only?" he presses.

"It's the smell." Neil says walking behind the two, he's been quiet since Edens and has gone back to a more covered up look. It makes Andrew feel like he handled that night wrong but Neil hasn't brought it up.

[anxietytwist]

𝐘𝐚𝐧𝐠 𝐋𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐛𝐨

“𝐗𝐢𝐚𝐨𝐰𝐞𝐢 𝐌𝐚𝐨”

[ 𝟸𝟽 | 𝟺'𝟷𝟶" | Female | Bi Ace | ❣️𝐒𝐡𝐞𝐧𝐠𝐥𝐢𝐚𝐧 ]

Personality

•●•●•●•●•●•●•●•●•●•●•●•●•●•●•

Skills / Allegiance

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Style

𝗛𝗮𝗶𝗿: Brown, straight, & waist length; often kept in a low bun or high ponytail while working

𝗖𝗹𝗼𝘁𝗵𝗶𝗻𝗴: Gender-neutral (ruqun); she typically dresses in “natural” tones, though, she'll wear “brighter” outfits during formal events

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Notes

ᴘʀᴏɴᴏᴜɴꜱ➻ She/Her

ʙᴏᴅʏ ᴛʏᴘᴇ➻ 𝑇𝑜𝑛𝑒𝑑

ꜱᴄᴀʀ➻ Travels from her elbow up to her shoulder (gotten from protecting 𝐋𝐢𝐧)

Due to her birth-father being a foreigner, she inherited his 𝑔𝑟𝑒𝑒𝑛 𝑒𝑦𝑒𝑠 & 𝑜𝑙𝑖𝑣𝑒 𝑐𝑜𝑚𝑝𝑙𝑒𝑡𝑖𝑜𝑛

𝐋𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐛𝐨 & 𝐐𝐢𝐚𝐧𝐠𝐱𝐢𝐧 are very much “wlw to mlm hostility” (affectionate) 🏳️‍🌈

She is NOT a morning person, waking up is always a trial for her 😴

𝐋𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐛𝐨'𝐬 a proud chicken mum (she's always had a soft spot for animals... they don't judge) 🐥💕

Besides her most notable one she has MANY scars; almost too many to count at this point (from both her abusive upbringing & military service 🤕)

When she's not on the battle-field 𝐋𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐛𝐨 is easily startled, especially by thunderstorms (she has a tendency to curse when she's suprised... 𝐋𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐛𝐨 is a surprisingly vulgar 🤬)

Because of her traumatic childhood, she's used to hiding her “genuine” emotions (both positive & negative) unless she is under extreme duress; often appearing cold to those who don't know her well (ex. when the bird pooped on her head she just blankly wiped it off, despite the fact she was seething on the inside 😐)

Because 𝐋𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐛𝐨 finds physical contact with others, primarily men, to be repulsive (the only real “contact” she had with others, after being forced into service, was during training/combat) she has NO romantic/sexual experience (𝐋𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐛𝐨'𝐬 freaking out when it comes to her “feelings” for 𝐒𝐡𝐞𝐧𝐠𝐥𝐢𝐚𝐧 & is clueless about how she should conduct herself whenever she's in her presence 😳)

She suffers from PTSD (her triggers mostly relate to her childhood, though she does have a few from her military service), during an episode she'll typically display “childlike” terror: cowering on the ground & shielding her head... she always feels ashamed with herself afterwards 😔

If 𝐋𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐛𝐨 is approached with violent intent, she responds in kind; her childhood was spent simply taking beatings... but she's not helpless anymore 😤

𝐋𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐛𝐨 means “玲-𝑇𝑖𝑛𝑘𝑙𝑖𝑛𝑔 𝑜𝑓 𝑗𝑎𝑑𝑒 波-𝑊𝑎𝑣𝑒𝑠”

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𝐼𝐹: @redbeanbunsworld

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Picrew used:

[is-hinata-good-today]

may 7th, 2024

not a single second passes by where hinata isn’t absolutely amazing - he’s simply the best 24/7!!!

[2003hondacivic]

[kireinahan]

[biniih]

Myeon

[un-invierno-eterno]

Martes 07 de mayo del 2024 (1:47 a.m.)

Querido niño:

Otra carta más que te escribo, estoy como cuando solía escribirle cartas a los chicos que solía amar mientras lloraba en las madrugadas y tú estabas al lado mío dándome calor y amor que ellos nunca jamás me darían.

Te extraño mucho, el Vicente se orino en mis cojines y en mis cortinas y lo odié. Mi papá me dijo que tú lo hacías y eso no es cierto, hasta que tú cuerpo se enfermó por completo y no podías retener como antes.

Yo lo soporte y no del todo porque te llamé la atención en tus últimos días. Lo siento tanto mi bebé.

No era mi intención, sólo pensaba que lo hacías de pesado y por hacerle caso a mi mamá. Pero tú ya no podías más.

Hace un mes estabas conmigo durmiendo a mi lado mientras te hacías sin querer y te sentías incómodo. Yo te tomaba en mis brazos para que fueras a orinar al patio y no sentirte del todo culpable.

Recuerdo como te entregaba a dios cada vez que te sentía sufrir. Porque no lo soportaba, el dolor en mi corazón y mi paciencia yendose a la mierda sin ver progreso.

Juro por dios que a ti de verdad no te hubiese soltado como he tenido que tratar de soltar a L y perdón por nombrarlo, pero sólo tu lo sabes. Sólo tu sabes cómo todos los años que te saqué a pasear lo esperé y deseaba que me saludara hasta que lo hizo un par de veces gracias a ti.

Pero el dolor que siento por él no se compara con el tuyo. Tu me dueles en la soledad, en el amor, en mis noches, en mis tristezas, en mis ganas de comer, en mis ganas de salir y en mi frío.

Él no estuvo en ninguna de esas ocasiones, él no se sintió como si me partieran realmente el alma y no pudiera soportar el dolor de dejarte ir y en hasta intentar detener todo y llevarte a casa para que siguieras conmigo.

Si bien, cuando me enteré que él tenía novia y le había dedicado una de las canciones que amaba en ese entonces y me recordaban a él. Agregando de las tremendas ganas de suicidarme que sentí ese día y de lo decidida que estaba no se comparan al dolor que siento ahora.

Me siento sola, con el alma podrida, con el alma desgarrada y llena de amor pero sin poder entregar porque todos me rechazan. Nadie me hace sentir como tú, tu hacías que mi amor fuera válido, que mi amor no era algo malo, que mi amor era bonito, que mi amor era fuerte, maravilloso y era importante al igual que los demás.

Escribo esto y no estás, no puedo estirar el brazo y tocar tu lomito o tu estómago respirando lentamente mientras duermes entre medio de mis frazadas calentito. No estás y no vas a volver. Lo único que queda de ti, es tu olor, tus pelitos y algunas manchas de tus fluidos que pronto se irán.

Dios sabe cuánto te extraño, el dolor ahora es real, mi amor por ti es real y no fue una fantasía como lo fue con todos los chicos que amé. Porque tú sabías que yo te amaba y era recíproco.

Hace un mes a esta hora te llevaba en mis brazos para que fueras a orinar (2:00 am)

Y yo te esperaba muerta de frío en la cocina, porque quería lo mejor para ti y que te pudieras sentir cómodo y sin culpas.

Hace un mes aún sentía tu calor en los pies de mi cama, sentía tu respiración y podía escuchar tu corazón libremente.

Te extraño como la mierda porque mi amor ahora no es válido, solo es una cochinada más en este mundo, soy la loca, la intensa, la mamona, la que le hace falta un pololo y con argumentos.

Si bien he perdido varias cosas estos años, pero tú eres la perdida más fea que he tenido. Porque se supone que deberías estar a mi lado respirando y dándome compañía. Pero no estás.

Yo sé perder, siempre supe cómo perder, como actuar antes la perdida, entender que no se puede tener todo en la vida, hasta que te perdí a ti y aún siento que volverás.

Que realmente no perdí, ahora no se como actuar ante la perdida, me siento vacía, estúpida, mala y una imbécil al no poder soltarte.

Eras mi luna, mi sol, mis estrellas, mi cielo, mi universo, mi aire y mis grandes ganas de vivir.

Me salvaste y yo no pude hacer lo mismo.

Te tuve por 14 años conmigo y aún así no me conformo, porque siento que te faltó verme crecer más, verme enamorarme, ver cómo me casaba o como tenia hijos. Porque por más que lo niegue siempre quise hijos.

Amo los bebés, amaria tener mi bebé y que tú hubieses estado para que lo hubieses olfateado y le movieras la colita y yo sentir que tú amor trascenderia con mis bebés.

Pero no estás y quizas lo mismo pasará con la Mami Corina, quizás nunca me conozca un novio, ni sus bisnietos porque nadie me quiere para algo serio aún. Ni siquiera para el chiste. Es horrible.

Estoy tan triste, pero te amo y te extraño mi bebé.

Eras hermoso, te ame mucho, te cuide y fuiste mi niñito precioso.

Besos al otro plano terrenal😊

–Winter❄️