#...or this idea that we *are* just secretly... not disordered and that we can choose every single aspect of our disorders and how...

[uncanny-tranny]

If you truly want to do what's best for mentally ill people, you have to learn that you often won't be able to separate the "salvageable" parts of ourselves with our illnesses, and you can't pretend like we are sane people underneath the façade of insanity, like we can flip a switch and magically erase the differences that make us "disordered"

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for not having time to read my mutual's writing?

Met a mutual on here, bonded through fanfic, have been tight with them for a few years with pretty much no bumps in the relationship, just overall had a really good time hanging around them when I could. We both write a lot and share our writing, and occasionally we talk about that writing/workshop it in passing.

In the past few years I've gone through a ton of life changes. Most notably I went from a multi-person household to a single-person one, and I've been living alone in a prohibitively costly city for a while now working 40 hour weeks and barely scraping by. As soon as the transition started I spent the last of my free income on a shitty little laptop so I could still write, putting down words on my bus/train commutes in the morning and quite literally writing on my breaks at work because I feel insane when I can't create. I bring this up to really stress that I don't have the time for the hobby, I force myself to make the time and even then it never feels like enough.

The only thing I can really stand to do with my 3 hours of free time at night is hang out with my moots online. I'm an extrovert so being around people recharges me. If I don't have designated social time I get super depressed and can pretty much feel my soul withering away. I also feel like I should probably mention that I kinda have a slew of mental issues, personality disorders and PTSD and AuDHD and the works. Point being, shit is rough my dude, but I am a person who likes to work hard and face challenges head on and even though we strugglin, we doing it with a positive outlook.

But! I am an incredibly solution-oriented person and I have found what I personally believe to be a good balance. No one should have to live like this, but I do, and I have found a way to be happy. My writing and my social time is all load-bearing. It is not something I just choose to do on a whim, it's all planned and scheduled and I adhere to those routines very strictly because, I cannot stress this enough, I will go fucking bonkers if I don't.

I'm mutuals with a lot of writers obv, and I sadly don't have time to read their work anymore, unless I get some extra time on my days off or something gets cancelled or like, I end up taking a vacation. I carry a great amount of guilt for this, though, even though I logically know it's reasonable. I try to support them where I can, cheer them on when I see them writing and tell them how cool their ideas sound, hype them up even when I can't actually read & review.

One of the things I do is sometimes I leave a kudos on fic I haven't read. I'm not trying to be ingenuine, and if they asked me I'd tell them like 'Oh I didn't read it yet, just wanted to show support!' but to me it's kinda like ripping a paper tab off a poster so that other's feel inclined to do the same. Plus my pals get a little email and a hit of serotonin.

Except one of my acquaintances, the one I mentioned at the start here, saw that I left kudos on a couple pieces another mutual of mine wrote this year. They more or less blew up my DMs with a ton of accusatory (like, literally presented like a 'GOTCHA!') stuff about how I was selective in who's fic I read, more or less implying that I secretly held some sort of grudge or negative feeling toward them and was making the conscious decision not to read or interact with their writing because of. Something, I don't actually know what they were trying to say. They also told me they vented to their friends about this MULTIPLE times, but they never once approached me to let me know they were feeling paranoid or neglected, they literally just took the most bad faith reading of it possible and then presented that to me like it was something I intentionally did, while the whole time I was unaware.

I tried to explain to them the kudos thing, that I didn't do it to every story, just ones I caught/noticed in my busy schedule. And I laid all this out and asked, multiple times, what free time am I supposed to read with? They didn't answer, and doubled down, kept trying to show me 'proof' that I was shorting them and no one else. Once they started to realize how wrong they were they backed down, but they didn't really apologize, or admit they were wrong, and they tried to end our relationship and left every single server we were in together. Because of some other unrelated stuff going on in my life, I didn't really consider them to be a close friend, but they were someone I really held dear and would've walked through hell for if they'd asked.

I still feel like there is something I'm missing here, and that's why I wanted to ask if I'm TA. I'm a pretty good communicator but one of the things I told myself when talking down my disordered thoughts (guilt about this prior) was "no one in their right mind would use reading fanfic as a metric for friendship." Now that I've had that exact thing happen, I'm starting to think maybe those thoughts weren't so disordered. Maybe this IS a big deal, and I should think about it more, but I don't even know what the solution to that would be. I just. Don't have time to read something lovingly crafted and appreciate it for what it is. All the hours in my week are used up, I'd have to lose sleep for this and with my mental health the way it is that is not an option.

Feel free to be a brutal, my skin is thick. Thanks!

What are these acronyms?

[call-me-a-simp]

Heal My Wounds

Not This Time (part 20)

Rhea Ripley x Reader

Tw: physical and sexual abuse, toxic relationship, selfharm, eating disorder

Summary: You are in a toxic relationship with an abusive man but manage to run away. A tall, black haired woman picks you up from the streets just in time so your ex doesn't get you. But who is she and why does she seem so familiar to you? As you get to know each other you start to notice weird feelings you never had before whenever she's around.

You come back with a tray of pizza fresh from the ofen. Well, not exactly fresh pizza, it's a bought one that you kept in the freezer.

You walk in on Rhea sitting in bed, tucked under the sheets. Her shoulders aren't covered by the blanket so you can see that she isn't wearing her shirt anymore.

"What film did you pick?" you ask and she looks up from her phone. "None actually as we won't watch it anyway" she shrugs.

You give her a crooked smile and hand her the pizza tray. As she lifts her arms to take it from you the sheets fall down a little, uncovering her bare chest.

You sit down next to her "Fine, then I'll choose one" you say and bend over her to take the TV remote. "Mh, I have an idea" Rhea says with a mouth full of pizza and swallows.

"What about" she smirks "we watch fifty shades of gray and try something new" she looks at you with excitement. "I've even got all the toys and stuff that we need" she grins.

She's got "all the toys", so she means handcuffs and stuff?

"I- I don't know Rhea.. I'm not really comfortable with being tied to the bed and stuff.." you mumble and press your lips together so they create a thin line. You hated to disappoint her.

"What if you don't get tied up?" she asks. You shrug "guess we'll find out then" you smirk. "But I know one thing for sure" you lean over to her and whisper in her ear "you're so gonna get fucked to night"

It's all you say for the following hour, you're just sitting there next to her, watching the film and eating pizza. You secretly cheer to yourself as she squirms when a sex scene comes up on the screen.

"y/n" she whispers but keeps her eyes on the TV. "hm?" you hum with a grin. "You know exactly what you're doing, don't you?" she mutters. " 'course I do" you smirk and she let's out a frustrated sigh.

Another few minutes pass by until she begins to plead to touch you. "Oh Rhea" you sigh, she looks at you with puppy eyes and you just have to give in.

"Fine, where do you keep them?" she excitedly claps her hands and jumps up from the bed to get them. Only thing is, she forgot she doesn't wear anything anymore.

You whistle as she runs around the bed and over to her closet where she opens a drawer. You can see her blush and turn away slightly. You smirk "Oh come on, suddenly it makes you uncomfortable? Be for real now I've seen it before"

"Ah hey!" you're surprised by her suddenly pinning you down on the bed. Usually it would scare you, reminding you of your ex, but you've grown so confident with Rhea and you trust her enough to know she wouldn't hurt you on purpose. Not like he did.

"I bet you won't talk like this anymore after I'm done with you" she growls with a grin. "You sure about that?" you raise a brow. You use her slight confusion to your advantage and manage to get on top.

"Stay there pretty, or you're not getting anything tonight" you smirk as the realisation hits her and she pouts. She prefers to be the dominant one, you knew that, but you couldn't help but tease her. Plus, you also wanted to try being on top as your ex never let you.

You get up and walk over to the opened drawer. You take a second to see what she's got and decide for handcuffs and a strap on.

"y/n, baby, come on" she begs. "Nope, you're not getting away with this. If you decide to run around naked then you have to face the consequences. Now hands up" you demand her and she gives in.

You cuff her hands but don't tie them to the bed. "Now be a good girl and don't touch me." "but-" "ah ah, no touching!". She huffs "you're so mean.." and pouts.

You laugh and begin to take off your clothes to put on the strap. "Safeword's Riptide by the way" she mutters, and you nod. She's still a little pissed but you can tell by the undertone in her voice that she secretly likes it.

---------------------------------------------------

Part 20. Decided to split it in two parts instead of making a long one just to tease you a little more ��

Taglist:@babybatlover @legit9thlunaticwarrior @thatonepansexual2000

[rey-jake-therapist]

Nina from Black Swan vs Will from Hannibal

Another parallel no one asked for: Black Swan and Hannibal, or more precisely, Nina and Will.

I rewatched Black Swan yesterday. And wow, it's not because I'm currently in my Fannibal era but the parallels between Nina's story and Will's just jumped straight at my face. They're so (tragically similar).

They both suffer from an illness but don't know it. For Nina, it's likely to be a mental illness that remained undiagnosed and gives her hallucinations when she's under great stress. Also she's prone to self harming, as we see several times during the movie. For Will, it's encephalitis, which under Hannibal's 'treatment' gives him similar symptoms.

They both hate themselves and express it by engaging in a process of self destruction. They're both very good at their job. To do it right, they're forced to dig deep inside themselves and confront themselves to things which existence they denied all their life. Their job slowly but surely destroys them, they know it but they refuse to stop because they believe it's the only thing that gives them a value. What drives Nina is to be 'perfect', an unreachable goal in essence; what drives Will is to save lives thanks to a gift he has, but he can't save everybody. Worse, he can't seem to be able to save himself, his 'gift' turning out to be more of a curse for him.

They both have an authoritarian figure in their life who smothers them and project their past failures on them (the creepy mother who forces her into staying a child while guilting her for being born for Nina, Jack Crawford who watches him destroy himself, and uses him in a goose chase against the Ripper for Will). Both Nina's mother and Jack Crawford treat Nina/Will as, in Hannibal's words, "their finest china, used only for special guests". There's something deeply disturbing in the way Nina's mother keeps disrespecting Nina's boundaries while she's a woman in their 20s, that's not existent with Jack Crawford (though it could be argued that when he insists that Will keeps using his empathy disorder to solve crimes even after Will clearly tells him it harms him, he also disrespects Will's intimacy in a way), but it's about the influence they have on Nina/Will. They also have in commun the fact that they know something's wrong with the person they're supposed to protect, but choose to do nothing about it because it doesn't serve their personal agenda. Nina's mother for example, knows it's not the first time that Nina engages in self harm and yet, the only thing she does is yelling at her and shaming her. Jack Crawford watches Will's mental and physical health get worse and worse, but chooses to ignore the warning signs and to pretend he believes Will when he claims he's 'fine'. When Will expresses his discomfort he's deaf to his distress and proposes him with disdain to quit, knowing that's not what Will wants.

They both have a smoking hot DILF man in their life who pushes them to accept the darkness in them. Both male figures are abusive in a different way (Thomas has no respect for Nina's boundaries, forces her to kiss him and touches her in a very inappropriate way, then humiliates her based on the idea that she's not "fuckable" enough to be the Black Swan; Hannibal manipulates Will through brutal therapy methods), but their goals are similar. Thomas feels that Nina represses a lot of things and wants her to listen to her pulsions so she can be both the White and the Black swan Queen. Hannibal feels that Will secretly enjoys killing and wants him to admit it so he can embrace his true self. Both men are... Bad men lol and they end up doing more harm than good. One could argue that without them neither Nina or Will wouldn't have learnt so much about themselves, but the price to pay came very high: Nina stabs herself during an hallucination and Will jumps off a bridge with Hannibal, to free themselves.

Both Nina and Will suffer from a similar type of hallucinations: they are face to face with a darker version of them, who sometimes takes someone else's face: the dancer Lily for Nina, Gareth Jacob Hobbs for Will. In both cases they're characters for whom they have ambivalent feelings: Nina is extremely attracted to Lily but in her paranoia believes she conspires to steal the role from her, while Will sees Gareth Jacob Hobbs as an horrible murderer but can't help but feel he's becoming one with him. They both hallucinate that a monster lives inside of them and tries to dominate them at some point.

Both Nina and Will discover they're attracted to a person of the same sex while also considering this person as an enemy. Actually in Nina's case I think it's more a case of internalized homophobia, nourished by her abusive mother who always kept her away from the external world and from exploring her sexuality, and probably fed her with fairy tales about a fair noble prince who will take her on his white horse one day. Surely her mother never discussed sexuality matters with her, considering that even though Nina's in her 20s she keeps treating her like a literal child. Where Will considers himself straight, Nina probably never even allowed herself to question her sexuality. When Thomas very rudely asks her if she's a virgin she blatantly lies because she realizes that telling the truth will make her look weird; and I got the feeling in this scene that she was disappointed not to have sex with him that night, not because she had a crush on him, but because she wanted to seem "normal" to him, and for the world in general. But it's very clear she's not attracted to him, or to any other men. The only person she wants is Lily, a woman. And since the idea of being sexually attracted to Lily terrifies her, and also because Lily isn't interested in her that way, it makes very much sense that in her craziness Lily becomes her enemy.

For Will, it's a bit different: the problem with Hannibal isn't so much that he's a man (as I say I think Will considers himself straight by default but I don't think it would stop him from admitting his feelings for Hannibal were the circumstances different), but that he's a serial killer and a cannibal. Will's goal is to save people from killers like Hannibal. That's what drives him and I don't think that it will ever change. So Hannibal is Will's natural enemy, in a way. That's the tragedy of this romance: they can't be without the other but they also can't be together BECAUSE what drives them is completely, utterly different, opposite even. At least that's the significance of the double suicide in The Wrath of the Lambs. They survived and Will has apparently decided to renounce his main goal to co murder and eat Bedelia du Maurier in a season we'll probably never see, but I can't see how doing that could turn good for him. Will will never be like Hannibal imho, no matter how hard he tries :(

And yet I can find another similarity: Lily is everything that Nina wishes she is: free, attractive, with no self put boundaries. I think Will also envies Hannibal to be the way he is, and that a part of him wishes he could become like him. He wants Hannibal to change him, but it goes against his main goal (saving people), hence his internal struggles.

Both Nina and Will choose suicide as their way out, completing their tragic arc. For Nina of course it's a poetic mirror of the Swan Queen's fate; the queen, reduced to stay a swan forever because her lover was seduced by the Black Swan, throws herself off a cliff (!) and finds freedom from her curse in death. Nina, however , kills herself believing she's killing her enemy, the message being of course that the only enemy she's got is herself (doesn't Hannibal tell Will something like that at some point? That he's his worst enemy?). Will kills both his internal enemy, the part of him he can't accept (the Will who enjoys killing and wants to kill again to feel powerful), and Hannibal, the man who's by definition his enemy, but also the man he can't live without because he's the only one who accepts the darkness he has in him.

Finally, both Nina and Will believe they reach their goal when they 'die': Nina's talent for dancing reached perfection in her final performance; Will jumps taking Hannibal with him thinking he's saving the world from Hannibal. Both endings are tragic, because they lie on the same sad conclusion: they couldn't accept themselves enough to live with themselves, so they embarked on a journey of self destruction that lead them to their death, wether it's a physical or metaphysical death we're talking about. Nina may be still alive at the end of Black Swan, and we know Will still is. But what part of them survived the fall?

[genesisrose74]

Christmas with the Karasuno Boys (HC’s)!!

Part 1: Daichi, Suga, Asahi, Nishinoya, Tanaka, & Ennoshita

Part 2 (Kageyama, Hinata, Tsukishima, Yamaguchi, Kinoshita, & Narita) here!!

A/n: Tumblr said my word count was too much so I’m splitting this bad boi up into two parts :p Enjoy!!

*****

Daichi

A huge romantic during Christmas, 10/10 quality cliche times spent together

You wanna go ice skating? Hell yeah sweetheart, he will make it the most beautifully romantic thing you’ve ever seen

Like straight out of a holiday postcard type beat

Istg the rink he takes you to looks like a more heartwarming version of Rockefeller Center

He’s a big keeper of tradition when it comes to making plans, but doesn’t mind a bit of nonsense fun when everything falls into place

Which is why you love to bring the team along on adventures because they make everything all the more entertaining

At first he’s confused like ??? You don’t have to do that just if they’ve been pestering you about it

But then he realizes you care as much about them as he does (hint: a hell of a lot) and they’re thus invited along for some stuff

Of course y’all also get some quality time together on dates with just you both

Anyways you and Daichi have talked a lot about traveling and how he was really interested in seeing new places

So as his gift you got him a carved map with a roll of red string and thumbtacks, so that he could plan out all the places he wanted to visit

You know how when Kiyoko found the “Fly” banner for Karasuno and all the boys cried?

Yeah

Like that but with lots more hugging and laughing

“You know you’re gonna have to help with mapping this out, right?”

“Is that an invitation I hear?”

“Oh, that’s a promise”

FJSFJDSK ALEXA PLAY AMERICAN BOY BY ESTELLE—

Please I love him; he is so damn sly and sassy I will die with this headcanon

Sugawara

I swear on everything that Christmas with him is equivalent to a Hallmark movie

It smells like joy and warmth wherever he is, and this season only amplifies it

He is such a cheeseball without even having to try

But it’s in the really endearing and heart-melting way,,, just MMM PERFECT

He’ll take you on a walk through those neighborhoods with those crazy light decorations in the front yard and buy you hot chocolate

If he sees a group of little kids gaping at all the lights, he’ll leave them starry-eyed with stories of magic, reindeer, Santa and so-forth

“You know, I’ve heard that Rudolph’s nose is supposed to be brighter than the world’s most powerful Christmas light”

Good heavens, children absolutely adore this man

Anyways he’ll make it a little game as y’all walk around this beautifully lit neighborhood, both of you with a different assortment of bingo squares printed on paper

First one to bingo chooses a movie to watch after getting back to Suga’s house

Will wrap a big fluffy blanket around you both and pull you into his chest while watching the movie

For his gift, you got a star named after him

It’s because y’all alway go stargazing for dates every month, just to sit out, talk and cuddle

Suga gave you the SOFTEST look after opening your gift and this cute little card you made 🥺

“Lets go try to find my new favorite star”

PLEASE HE IS SO SWEET

“Right now? Koushi it’s 11:30 pm”

“Just for ten minutes, and then I’ll get you home”

So y’all spend the rest of Christmas Eve on his roof, sipping warm tea and attempting to locate Star Suga

Asahi

Cuddle bear alert ‼️‼️

It’s basically hibernation time for him, because he’s not the biggest fan of cold

That’s alright with you though 😌 more coziness for you

Lots of quality moments indoors means more creative dates

A whole day devoted to chill present wrapping? Hell fuckin’ yeah

Nice music, pretty wrapping paper, shiny bows, maybe a little Christmas rom-com playing in the back — the whole shebang

You find out pretty quickly that despite how it sounds, it’s actually quite a satisfying and enjoyable pastime

Practically had to drag him out of your living room to secretly wrap his own gift

As much as he’s the king of timidity and soft™, he can be very playfully stubborn when he’s comfortable, hence why he was such an ass to get out of the room

I have no doubt that Asahi would melt for the most adorable, cheesy shit

So you not only bought him some really reliable headbands for volleyball use, but you also made a little coupon booklet

He can basically cash in paper promises for certain things, like getting to choose the next date idea, picking a movie to watch without any objection, having you make his favorite food, etc.

There’s one that he can exchange for a full out spa day trip, because good heavens he’s a sucker for those

Massage and exfoliation and everything — it makes him feel ✨refreshed✨

He was ecstatic fam, I don’t even know what to say

Like a puppy who just got a bunch of toys and a new backyard to play

Mans cashes in one almost immediately, and at first you’re confused

Like it’s Christmas time bubs, what are we gonna be able to do when most places are closed and it’s the holidays?

Then you read the paper

“Free hug (can be used and renewed <3)”

GIVE HIM HIS DAMN HUGS RIGHT NOW

He uses that one a lot throughout the upcoming days, to the point where he just keeps the paper on him for fun

“You realize you can just ask me silly, you don’t need to keep carrying the coupon around”

“Yeah, but it’s entertaining”

Cute little cheeky bastard

Nishinoya

LOVES LOVES LOVES CHRISTMAS

You know the 12 Days of Christmas? The song??

He gets you a small present EVERY DAY for all 12 days

Not to mention he has a big present that he saves for the actual holiday

Y’all are the type of couple to get ice cream in the middle of winter

Nishi loves his cold snacks any time of year, and you’ve thus picked up a similar taste

He will consistently pester you about what kind of present you got him

Gets pouty when you don’t tell him, but in the back of his mind he’s glad because it would ruin the surprise

Anything you get him instantly becomes his most prized gift tho

It could be a literal rock with googly eyes and he’d put it in a protective glass case for preservation

But of course you get him something better than that because he only deserves the best

He’s got this specific assortment of products to maintain his spiky hair and to make sure it’s healthy, but they’re pretty expensive to buy when he runs out

When he tore open your present’s decorative wrapping to discover a huge basket of basically every hair product he ever needed, he got wide-eyed

There was also a booklet of little notes you’d kept throughout the month that listed all the little things you noticed and adored about your precious boyfriend

He nearly CRIED reading them

“Baby, you didn’t have to do all that for me”

“You act like you don’t deserve all of it and more, Nishi”

Refuses to leave your side after that

Holding your hand, hugging you as tight as he can, etc.

He is head over heels idc idc

Tanaka

Another man who is obsessed with the holiday season and everything that comes with it

He is the biggest sap for this shit istg

Will spend hours trying to get you the best present of all time

And he succeeds exceptionally

Mistletoe? He’s got an ABUNDANCE on hand at any time, just to make sure he can get fair share of his kissies 🥰

His signature beanie appears in full force during winter

Sometimes you’ll pull it over his eyes before giving him a peck on the cheek and dashing off in the school halls

“I’ll see you after school, babe!”

Speech = jumbled + incomprehensible

“Uh hUh, you do that~”

He’s: adorable

I just know that he melts for really sweet and thought-out gifts

Like anything you give him he’ll adore, don’t get me wrong, but the ones done with special care and love are just his kryptonite

He brought you into a massive bear hug and spun you around when he opened a photo book of old pictures taken together, complete with lots of cute messages and anecdotes written alongside them

You and Saeko may have also gone in on another present for him without his knowledge

And on Christmas Eve, you dragged a curious Tanaka into his front yard to the sight of a shiny motorbike

It was Saeko’s old one that she’d held onto for a while, and an old schoolmate offered to fix it up nice in time for the holiday at a discount, so y’all decided to divvy up the lowered price and got it done for Ryu

Sweet boy was taken aback, with his hands clapped over his mouth and everything

Saeko patted him on the back as he stood there in shock, giving her baby brother a sweet smile

“All yours, little bro!”

Ya, Saeko fucking loves you 😌 and so does Tanaka

Overall very lovely, would cry to be loved by the Tanaka siblings

Ennoshita

After spending past Decembers with his fellow second year classmates (namely, the very enthusiastic Noya and Tanaka), he’s grown to know quite a bit about the different holiday events that go on around town

Still, Ennoshita is a pretty simplistic guy and is content with simply spending time with you

So when you recommended going to pick a Christmas tree out for your place together, he’s totally down

As long as he gets to help decorate too ☺️

Y’all end up picking a beauty of a tree ngl

It’s SO TALL

And a super stronk friend — fit for the most heavy duty of ornaments

It takes some damn work to get that bad boi inside and upright after driving back to your house

But like hell did that stop you

Now that it was all set up, sturdy, and given plenty of water, decorations were brought into the equation that same night

No rest until it’s all set up and looking mighty beautiful

Okay maybe some coffee breaks in between, but other than that the grind don’t stop ✋😤

Ennoshita is an expert at making Christmas trees look absolutely immaculate

Idk if it’s because he’s had to deal with cleaning up disorder for a while now?

Looking at you, ya second year loons

He just has the touch, fam

He’ll of course let you have input on which light colors, what type of ornaments, and so on

But honestly it’s really fun seeing him fully concentrated on making your tree the best it can be

He lets you on his shoulders to put on the tree topper 🥺

For his gift, Ennoshita really loves books, so you decided to get him 12 different (hardcover!!) stories — one for each month in a year

Along with a small sticky-note blurb on the covers of each to explain why you chose it, and to give similar title recommendations if he ends up enjoying

He was so surprised with how thoughtful and extensive it was

Loved it so much that he immediately started to read the first one, with you sat in his lap

“Chikara, you realize you’re meant to start this one in January?”

“Shh, I’m getting a head start”

[voidpunk-culture-is]

hi this is a genuine question. in your dni it says no anti endo systems can i ask why. is it because you believe you can have a system without trauma or that you believe they’re a system who hasn’t come to terms that they have trauma. i’m not anti i just don’t have an opinion on it i just genuinely want to know your pov and reasoning! /srs

Hi! If you have questions in the future about this or anything else, we would prefer that you ask them to us on our other blog @mogai-corvidae, but for a first time we’ll just answer this here. I’ll try to answer as simply as possible.

Endogenic systems are real. To imply that endogenic systems are all either lying singlets or traumagenic systems in denial is extremely ableist, as it frames fakeclaiming as acceptable and mentally ill/neurodivergent people as unreliable narrators of their own lived experiences. The only situation where it is ever okay to talk about anyone “faking being a system” is when they literally admit to it or hard evidence (as in them literally saying it in private or something like that) is provided, because it is never okay to open the door for ableds (or anyone else) to fakeclaim others’ mental health conditions or neurodivergencies as it is impossible to ever know for certain whether or not someone is faking their condition unless you are that person yourself or in some cases their healthcare provider. There’s plenty of evidence for systems existing outside of strictly the context of disorders like DID/OSDD and mental illness as a whole, and the idea that systems cannot define themselves this way if they so choose denies them their agency. If a system who fits all the criteria for DID chooses not to identify with that label, as a historical movement of plural advocates have, it is their right to choose the ways in which they label themselves. Often, this is and was done as a protest of the incredibly ableist psychiatric institution, but even in situations outside of this mentally ill and neurodivergent people deserve the autonomy to exist outside of narrow definitions and conceptualizations of their identities and experiences. Systems are simply multiple people who share one brain and body, and that’s an incredibly diverse experience that should not be restricted by the often ableist and incredibly stifling categorization of abnormal psychology. We personally choose not to disclose our system origins at all, for example. Maybe we’re endogenic, maybe we’re not! You won’t ever know, because it’s none of your business. /nm

We support our friends and loved ones who are endogenic systems and we don’t want anyone who disrespects or is “against” them in any way to interact with us. Obviously not everyone will respect that, but we like to avoid it when possible. (Note also that usually people who are “neutral” or “don’t have an opinion” tend to actually see endogenic systems as secretly fake. If this isn’t you, good. Anyone who respects all systems is welcome. If that is you, though, we’d prefer you sought out whatever your preferred content is elsewhere.)

[yeah-klave]

The Sexual Awakening of David Joseph Katz

Chapter 1: Fun and Games

Series summary:  A multi-chapter journey of self-discovery and sexual awakening.

Chapter summary: In the wake of a storm, The Umbrella Academy siblings and their friends pass the time playing truth or dare, and slowly, secret feelings are revealed.

Genre: Hidden feelings, mutual pining, developing relationship, eventual smut (although none in this chapter).

A/N: This is set in a nothing-too-bad-really-happens modern AU. The characters are all in their early twenties (I’m picturing adult!actor versions of them and Dave is the Cody Ray Thompson version!). The siblings are all still living at home, relatively happily, and Dave, Lila, Sissy and Carl are friends who hang out with them at the Academy.

Word length: 3.3k

Warning: Mention of canon compliant incestuous feelings, but nothing explicit and there won’t be any actual sibling incest.

Disclaimer: I don’t own any of The Umbrella Academy characters or settings.

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The tail end of a storm was blowing over the city. Dirty cotton wool clouds hung low in the sky and the angry gunfire of rain had finally begun to ease into a soothing staccato patter again the windowpanes. The muggy heat of the last month, that had previously pressed against the skin like wet clothes, had broken at last.

Inside The Umbrella Academy, the gang lounged, languid in the quiet calm that the change in the weather had brought: Luther staring out of a window, Diego and Lila sitting cross-legged with a pile of balled up foil candy wrappers competitively aiming at a coffee mug abandoned on the floor, Carl and Sissy curled in a chair, Ben reading, Five scribbling in a notebook, Vanya and Dave sitting at the counter playing a quiet game of cards and Klaus reclining on the sofa, one leg thrown over the back and his head resting in Allison lap who was absently playing with his hair.

“Looks like it’s finally easing up out there,” Luther commented.

“Umm,” Allison agreed. “That was a pretty bad one.”

“I wonder how long the power’s going to stay off,” worried Vanya.

“Don’t you have a back-up generator in this mansion?” Lila quipped, elbowing Diego then lobbing a balled-up foil wrapper across the room where it landed directly in the mug. “Yes!” She turned to Diego and pulled a face. Diego frowned.

“We could play a game,” suggested Sissy. “My sister and I play one like Truth or Dare, but it’s just Truth. We could try that?”

“You know what would be better that Truth or Truth, Sissy?” said Carl smirking, “Truth or Dare.”

“Okay,” Sissy laughed shyly, “I guess we can be a bit more adventurous!”

“Well as it’s your idea, Sissy, do you want to go first?” Luther asked kindly.

“Okay,” she nodded, “truth.”

The others paused for a moment, thinking.

“What’s your… guilty pleasure?” Allison asked finally.

“Oh, that’s a good one. Um, let me think. I’d probably have to say, daytime tv murder mysteries – Murder She Wrote, Diagnosis Murder, those yellow writing made-for-TV films. So cheesy, I know, but there’s something so comforting about them. I like to watch them curled up on the sofa with hot tea and some biscuits. But Carl teases me about them all the time. Don’t you, Carl?”

Carl scoffed. “Yes, because they’re brain-rotting drivel!”

Vanya frowned. “No, they’re not! I love those shows too. I think that was a great answer, Sissy.”

Sissy smiled shyly and ducked her head trying to hide her blush.

“Right,” she replied after a moment, “my turn to choose. Allison, truth or dare?”

“Truth”

“Okay, same question – what’s your guilty pleasure?”

“Long showers” Allison replied straight away. “Taking my time to wash my hair, using my favourite coconut body wash, just standing and feeling the spray on my skin and all the way to my scalp, letting my muscles all unwind under the press of the hot water. Washing the day away. Then getting out and wrapping up in a big fluffy towel. Bliss.”

“Well aren’t we all being sentimental today?” Klaus grinned rolling his eyes, “I thought truth or dare was code for ‘tell us who you secretly fancy and what you’ve done in bed’.”

Dave stomach flipped over and he concentrated very hard on the cards in his hands.

“Shut up Klaus,” Luther said.

“I guess it’s what you make it,” Diego laughed, throwing a foil ball across the room, where it hit the rim of the mug and bounced off.

“Ha,” gloated Lila.

“Okay Klaus,” Allison cut in, “Truth or dare?”

“Dare.” Klaus replied instantly.

“Right,” Allison challenged, “I dare you to run a lap of the courtyard, as fast as you can.”

“Fine,” Klaus sighed dramatically, unfolding himself from his position on the sofa and standing up. “Kind of boring, but fine. I mean, it’s still raining pretty hard and I’ll get soaked. And these pants are not designed for running in.” Dave flicked his eyes up, caught sight of Klaus sticking his leg out in a pose, displaying the curve of his backside in the tight pants and looked away again quickly, his face heating up.

“But whatever,” Klaus huffed. “I’ll do it, and then I’ll get to pick next.” He looked around the room, glancing at the others then caught Dave’s eye and smiled mischievously. Dave’s stomach clenched again.

Klaus casually ran his fingers through his wild curls. As ever, his hair loosely settled in a slightly chaotic disorder that Klaus hoped looked carefree and haphazard, but which his siblings knew he actually secretly practiced in front of the mirror. He wandered across the room, flicking Ben’s ear on his way to the door. Ben swatted at him.

Dave watched Klaus go, his eyes furtively following the strip of flat, toned stomach visible between the hem of Klaus’ cropped tee and the waistband of his low-slung tight leather pants.

Slowly, everyone got up from their various positions around the living area and tramped after him.

At the door to the courtyard, Klaus turned and flashed a quick grin at them all, raising his fingers to his temple in a mock salute. Then, he wrenched the door open and lurched off, sprinting out into the rain, his long legs making him look a little gangly and uncoordinated.

The others watched from the doorway as he hurtled around the far side of the courtyard and then began jogging back in the direction of the door. A couple of times his boots skidded on the sodden ground and he nearly overbalanced, but he just managed to right himself in time. The others laughed from inside.

“Graceful,” Ben teased.

“Shut up,” Klaus barked as he crashed back through the door in a shower of water droplets. The others jumped back quickly.

The pounding rain from earlier had eased considerably, but it was still falling in steady sheets. Klaus was soaked through, water running from his hair in rivulets and the fabric of his tee sticking to the toned muscle beneath. Dave caught himself staring at the water droplets running from the sharp jut of his jawline down the column of his neck and flicked his eyes away guiltily.

Laughing, Klaus pushed the wet hair from his face, then proceeded to shake as much water off as he could.

“Hey dude!” Diego laughed with him, “stop trying to shake yourself dry like a dog and just get a towel like a normal person!”

Klaus grinned again, but before setting off in the direction of the bathroom, he carefully toed off one boot, then the other, then reached down and in one fluid motion, peeled the tee off his body and over his head. As he did, Dave’s eyes traveled up the expanse of glistening, rain-slickened skin and taut muscle, his mouth suddenly going dry.

Klaus wrung out the tee as best he could through the door, then hung it on the back of a chair to dry off. He then padded away in search of a towel. The others drifted back into the living room to their previous positions.

Dave poured himself a glass of water from the tap in the kitchen, then headed back to the living room and sat down on one of the sofas.

After a few minutes, Klaus wandered back into the room, rubbing a towel briskly over his head, then flopped down on the sofa next to Dave.

“Right,” Klaus smirked. “My turn. And rather than picking one person, I’ve got a dare I want to challenge you all to take part in. Everyone game? And before you say anything, anyone that backs out is just asking to be called chicken for the next year or so, or until I forget. And yes, I’m looking at you, Number One.” Klaus flashed Luther a cheeky grin, his eyes twinkling.

The others all eyed each other warily, but nobody said anything.

“Okay then,” Klaus carried on, “I take it everyone’s on board?” The others nodded reluctantly.

“Then I dare everyone in this room to play three rounds of spin the bottle – round one, quick kiss; round two, proper kiss with tongue; and round three, full on seven-minutes-in-heaven-style make-out sesh. No backing out, no skipping, no passing your turn. No matter how awkward, you just have to lock lips with whoever you get paired with.”

Dave felt the atmosphere in the room thicken. He could see everyone shooting looks at each other.

“Klaus!” Five said in disgust. “You do realise that most of the people in this room are siblings, right?”

“Yeah,” Luther added in a wavering voice, “that would just be…. wrong.”

“Not biological though,” Allison added.

Luther looked over at her quickly, but she was shuffling the deck of cards, determinedly not catching anyone’s eye.

“Of course, you’d say that, Chicken Hargreeves,” Klaus quipped.

Luther bristled.

Lila raised an eyebrow and looked up at Diego, “What do you think? Do you dare?”

“Oh, you’re bringing it are you, huh?” he jokingly squared up to her. “Well if you’re in Lila, then I’m in”

“Yeah, probably because you’re desperate for the bottle to pair you two up,” teased Ben. “That way, you’ve finally got an excuse to make out with her, rather than bottling up all your sexual frustration and letting it out by trying to beat her at everything,”

“Trying and failing,” Lila added with a grin.

“Shut up, Ben” Diego snapped.

“What, are you feeling called out, Number Two?” Lila joked.

“Oh, you wish.” He growled.

“Maybe I do.” She raised an eyebrow at him.

Diego looked lost for a moment, his eyebrows drawing together slightly and his eyes flicking across Lila’s face questioningly.

Klaus nudged Dave’s leg with his knee, catching his eye and inclining his head slightly towards Diego and Lila, grinning and raising an eyebrow. Dave grinned back and rolled his eyes, but inside his heart was hammering against his chest.

“Okay, we’re in” Diego said, still staring into Lila’s face. “Everyone else?”

“Fine,” Luther huffed.

“I guess so,” said Allison.

“Okay,” Sissy nodded.

“Me too,” Vanya agreed.

“Y-yeah,” Dave stuttered finally.

“You’re all immature idiots,” said Five. “There’s no way I’m taking part in this.”

“Me neither,” Ben added, “I’m out.”

“Chickens!” Klaus called.

“Funny,” Ben added, “I’d much rather be called a chicken, than be told to make out with one of my brothers or sisters.”

“Spoil sport,” Klaus waved a hand dismissively in his direction.

“Yeah, Sissy and I aren’t playing either,” Carl rested a hand heavily on Sissy’s shoulder.

“Actually,” Sissy said, shrugging his hand off. “I do want to play.” She got up and moved to a sofa nearer the others. Carl frowned, looking cross.

Allison put the cards down and headed over to the bar to retrieve an empty bottle from the recycling.

Luther ran his hand up and down his forearm nervously. Dave absently watched the movement, aware of the pulse of blood he could suddenly hear thrumming in his ears and trying to ignore the warm weight of Klaus on the sofa next to him and the single, tiny point of contact where Klaus’ knee brushed his own leg.

Allison returned and set the bottle on the floor.

“Okay, so I assume we spin twice for each round then?” She looked up at the others. At their nods, Allison twisted her fingers, setting the bottle to revolve on the floor before it slowed to point at Lila. Lila’s eyes sparkled and she looked over at Diego, raising an eyebrow.

Allison leaned forwards and spun again and this time the bottle landed on Luther.

Diego’s eyes narrowed and he swallowed quickly. Luther closed his eyes, steeling himself. When he opened them, he glanced quickly over at Diego, a question in his eyes.

“Well get on with it then, Number One,” Dave said gruffly. “No backing out, wasn’t that the idea.” But Dave could still hear the edge of hurt in his voice.

Luther pulled himself to his feet. Lila stood, opened her arms wide and jokingly said, “Come ‘ere then, loverboy”. She leaned forwards and planted a kiss on Luther’s mouth with an over-exaggerated smacking sound. She then pulled back and grimaced, wiping her mouth with the back of his hand. Luther laughed weakly and sat back down, his eyes briefly glancing over in Allison’s direction.

“Well that’s round one ‘quick kiss’ done,” Klaus said excitedly. “Next we’ve got ‘proper kiss with tongue’.”

Allison lined up the bottle again and spun. When it finally stopped, it was pointing at Sissy. Dave heard Carl let out a cross grunt from his position across the room. Allison reached forward and quickly spun it again. Dave glanced over to Vanya and saw her eyes fixed on the bottle. And perhaps he was imaging it, but with the fierce expression on Vanya’s face it almost looked as though she was willing the bottle to land on a particular person. Please, just once, her lips seemed to mouth. When the bottle stopped, it was pointing directly at her. A flash of relief seemed to pass over Vanya’s face, quickly followed by guilt.

Dave looked to see if anyone else had noticed, but nobody was looking: Diego and Lila were still staring at each other, Luther and Allison were looking anywhere but at each other and when Dave turned, Klaus’ eyes were on his own face. Dave opened his mouth to say something and Klaus’ eyes quickly flicked up from his lips to his eyes. Dave closed his mouth and turned back to the room, lost for a moment.

Across the room, Sissy had eased herself up and walked over to where Vanya was standing nervously. She reached her hand out and trailed her fingers down the side of Vanya’s face, pushing a strand of hair behind her ear. Carl leaned forwards, face set, elbows on knees, his eyes glued to the girls. Vanya swallowed and licked her lips. Sissy leaned forwards and gently pressed her lips against Vanya’s. After a heartbeat, Vanya pressed forwards, her lips moving against Sissy’s and her hand going up to card slowly through Sissy’s silky hair. Sissy cupped Vanya’s cheek, her thumb gently stroking along the cheekbone. Dave saw Vanya’s lips part and a flash of tongue before the girls’ mouths slotted together again. When they finally pulled apart, they kept their heads close, foreheads touching, breathing each other’s air for a final moment. Vanya brought her hand forwards and ever so gently traced her thumb over Sissy’s bottom lip, then, as though suddenly catching herself, pulled it away suddenly, breaking the spell of the moment.

“That,” Klaus declared, “was hot.”

Vanya hummed absently in response, a strange expression of mixed longing and sadness on her face.

As Sissy moved back to her seat, Dave saw the dazed expression on her face and the slight frown around her eyes. She sat back down, avoiding Carl’s fierce glare, but Dave saw her furtive glance in Vanya’s direction.

“Well,” Allison exclaimed, “last round.”

“The last pair are really going to have to up their game to top that performance,” Klaus joked.

Dave looked over at Klaus, trying not to lose himself in the captivating twinkle of his green eyes.

Allison spun again.

Dave watched the bottle rotate, vaguely aware that the thudding of his pulse in his ears had returned. And finally, he swallowed hard when he realised the bottle had come to a rest pointing directly at him.

Allison lent over and spun the bottle again.

Time slowed for Dave, his eyes following the mesmerising twist of the bottle on the floor, vaguely aware of the sound of his friends making drumroll and crescendo noises, hearing the thud of his pulse in his ears, feeling the pounding of his heart against his ribs and, above all, the warm point of contact on his leg from Klaus’ knee. When the bottle finally slowed, the thump in his ears grew to a deafening roaring and he slowly looked up to stare into the face of his friend, who, catching his breath, suddenly looked just as wide-eyed.

“Serves you right, Klaus,” Luther teased lightly. “Setting this dare as a way to make fun of the rest of us. But it looks like you pulled the short straw.”

“Something like that,” Klaus croaked.

“Remember,” Diego cut in. “You’ve got to make this seven-minutes-in-heaven level steamy!”

Klaus ignored him and shuffled closer to Dave on the sofa.

“You sure this is okay?” He asked quietly.

Dave swallowed and nodded.

Klaus brought their bodies even closer, then glanced down nervously, suddenly overly aware of his naked chest. He was so close, Dave could see the fan of Klaus’ lashes against his cheeks, smell his slightly minty shampoo, the clean freshness of his skin and also something deeper. Something that reminded him of freshly cut grass after the rain. Even from here, Dave imagined he could taste the sweetness of Klaus’ skin. Dave leaned forward slightly and breathed in. And that was when Klaus looked up, their eyes met and the rest of the world faded away, and for the first time, Dave saw his own secret longing reflected back at him in Klaus’ eyes. Eyes that looked more nervous and hopeful that he had ever seen them. And just like that, Dave let his walls come crashing down like a house of cards and he leaned forwards until he met Klaus’ lips with his own.

Klaus’ eyes fluttered shut as he melted against Dave, mouth parting and hand coming up to rest on Dave’s neck, lost in the slow push and slide of their lips and tongues.

Dave leaned into the hand on his neck; the feeling of the fingertips on the sensitive skin setting off sparks of fire along his veins. This, he though, yes, this. He brought a hand up to bury in Klaus’ wild dark hair, feeling Klaus quietly hitch in a breath when he gently tugged. Klaus’ mouth caught Dave’s bottom lip and Dave almost groaned as he felt the soft scrape of Klaus’ teeth as he slowly traced them over the over-stimulated skin. Dave felt the smallest tweak as the corner of Klaus’ mouth twisted upwards in the tiniest ghost of a grin. Dave pulled his lips away to pepper a trail of feather light kisses along Klaus’ neck and jawline, ending just below his ear. His chest rising and falling heavily, Klaus tilted his head to give Dave more access and, encouraged, Dave tentatively took the lobe of Klaus’ ear into his mouth and sucked. Klaus’ breathing faltered and suddenly Dave could feel the sweet bite of blunt nails raking down the back of his neck. Klaus brought their lips back together and this time, Dave could feel the build and the urgency behind Klaus’ movements.

Someone cleared their throat.

The moment broke and Klaus and Dave pulled back slightly, still only inches apart. Their eyes met and the look they shared was somehow so familiar, but also so new, so foreign. Dave thought he saw joy, excitement and anticipation written on Klaus’ face, but also a hint of fear. Klaus’ shoulders heaved as he tried to steady his breathing. Quickly, his eyes flashed down to Dave’s lips and then back up again. Dave raised an eyebrow at him and Klaus replied with a small shrug of the shoulders and a sheepish, almost apologetic little half smile. It was then that Dave’s face cracked into the wide smile of sheer, unbridled happiness and a second later Klaus was grinning too, and winking at him, and taking Dave’s hand in his own and squeezing. Dave squeezed back. Then Klaus and Dave turned, hand in hand, to greet the surprised reaction of their friends and family.

[fierceawakening]

Thank you! This is what baffles me too. The only way we can tell what a person is like is how they act, but yet people talk as if diagnoses are just about internal thought states. It’s odd.

Like, is someone who only ever has the thought “I am superior to others” but never acts on it harmful? I can see the argument that they’re not. Odd beliefs are just odd beliefs.

But what I don’t get is how people seem so sure this is a thing. If I secretly in my heart of hearts hold the belief that as a white person I am superior to people of other races but never say it out loud, I’m clearly better than someone who trumpets it with a bullhorn. But… do we really think, simply because I don’t have a bullhorn, that all I’m doing is holding an odd belief deep down in my heart and I’m never going to let slip that I don’t think Dante deserves the promotion over Brewster.

Which is the thing with narcissism. As you know if you’ve been following me a while, I’ve begun to think that my mom has patterns of thought and behavior that cause harm. Do I know why this is? No I don’t, but I’ve been noticing that people describing a thing they call “vulnerable narcissism” seems to fit some of her behavior and statements.

VN is supposedly a thing where distortions lead people to think life has never and will never give them a fair shake, and to express this in near constant bitterness that is deeply wearying to their loved ones, who generally expect other humans to be in different moods and to not always feel this way. But it always comes back to so and so is not fair to me and I’m so sad.

Does it seem to me that this might explain part of the dynamic? Kinda at least, yeah. The “it’s always me, I’m always wrong, everyone kicks me like a little doggy” refrains are there. (Can I just say how much “you treat me like I’m a dog” bugs me? I love dogs, I don’t kick them. I give them skritches and pets. Ffs.) It’s odd she thinks that, though, as she was a highly successful and respected professional at big corporations for my whole life.

So do I think she has Evil Person Disorder? No. I’ve seen her do kind things, seemingly sincerely. But what I do relate to in the narrative about how VN supposedly works is… what that tells me is that “it’s always me” is a cognitive distortion, rather than a valid impression she gets from me getting angry.

If it’s a cognitive distortion, it’s something she CAN undo. But it takes time, effort, and willpower. I have a lot of cognitive distortions of my own, and while I’m better at seeing and dismissing them than I was I don’t always catch them every time.

But if undoing VN takes making a commitment to finding and rooting them out, I can know from her consistent refusal to get help that she’s unlikely to do this, and thus, it seems to me, that she’s likely to continue to persist in behavior that is harmful to me and that I know to be so.

Where’s the ableism? Someone point it out to me.

Honestly to me the idea that cognitive distortions aren’t a factor here, and that she simply chooses on purpose to mistreat me on purpose seems a LOT meaner.

(No one has to answer this)

You know, I think the reason "narcissism is just a divergence, you guys are just mean" puzzles me is...

When people, say Donald Trump or Jeff Bezos, act entitled, we say this is not just unfortunate or sick behavior, but legitimately BAD behavior. Some of us call for guillotines. (Which is probably exaggeration, but some people will swear up and down they mean kill the old order to bring about the new.)

But as soon as someone says "the name for the diagnosable form of 'wow that guy is entitled and pretty much everyone who tries to reason with him fails even over years' is 'narcissism,'" someone who has it is a smol bean who can do no wrong, and if they do, their entitlement somehow had nothing to do with it.

This confuses me stupendously.

Someone explain it to me like I'm the gender critical in my notes. I still can't figure it out.

[myssparklesbookrants]

FICTIONAL CHARACTERS I WISH WERE TRUE SO THAT I COULD DATE THEM or stare at them from afar

HIWow! It was hard choosing a first topic to talk about. I felt like I needed to talk about something big and glamorous to blow the brains out of… of someone. But alas, this is my best, for now..

So, I chose the first one that I had listed on the top of my head ever since I first started reading.

<ta da!>

BOOK BOYFRIENDS!

This is a list of MEN or BOYS who tickle the romantic bone just right! (I had dreamed that there was such an organ in the human body, just near the stomach)

I selected these FICTIONAL BOYFRIENDS as potential members of my harem If I ever defy normal Filipino conceptions of marriage and take up polyandry.

The criteria I used is simple.

  Choose the fictional partners that I can imagine existing in real life  (not too much of an alpha and rich or good looking that borders on unbelievable). The type of characters that I can imagine talking to, who I find fascinating and can be a potential long-time partner, casual hook up or best friend.

 I originally wanted to stick to 10. But as I wrote, a lot of names popped up and I can’t not put them in the list but still, I am sure after I have this article published (Char! Haha) there will be a lot of “Shoot! Why did I not put him on the list???” exclamations. So, maybe I will eventually make another continuation list???

This list is based on the BOOKS I READ so if  you have a bet that I didn’t list, please don’t hesitate to give a recom. A new book to swoon over is always welcome.

 Most Importantly: READ THE BOOKS WHERE THESE AMAZING CHARACTERS CAME FROM. I liked them because of their wit, their personality, how they interacted with other people, their dreams and how their love for their other half made them better people or vice versa. MEANING: THE BOOK WAS WICKED AWESOME AND THE AUTHOR WAS A GOOD STORYTELLER.

(I must apologize for the lack of female to female romantic partner mentions given my current lack of FF Romance reads, which is something I will rectify soon. But if you have recommendations, feel free to comment below and maybe add some MM ones too!)

Anyway, meet…

1. Clayton Danvers and Lucas Cortez

Kelley Armstrong’s  Women of the Underworld Series

Genre: Horror fiction, Paranormal romance, Urban fantasy 

This series is adapted on screen called ‘Bitten’ which is available on Netflix.

Clayton Danvers is the strong, silent, and smart type. He is a professor in a university where he met Elena(his student) and a werewolf! His devotion to Elena was sweet, passionate and faithful to the point that bordered on obsessive but not off putting. The best thing about him was how un-Alpha he was. Although he was strong , his relationship with Elena was a partnership.

This is what romance needs today guys! A PARTNER not a rich and condescending daddy!

Lucas Cortez, on the other hand, is a lawyer/sorcerer, young master of a Cabal Group, who informally separates from his family's company to pursue a life as a lawyer protecting the rights of other magical beings against abusive Cabals(including his family's). Unlike Clayton, he was slender with brown eyes behind glasses. So basically, a cute, smart nerd who is the 'good' black sheep of the family.

(they are in separate books with different female romantic partners)

2. Quinn Sullivan

Penny Reid’s Neanderthal Meets Human

Genre: Contemporary Romance

Quin…*sighs*... So awesome! He was quiet, mysterious,unsmiling, rich and had an almost perfect handsome face. I love that the author imagined small flaws like almost unnoticeable  crooked bottom front teeth and differing sizes of his ears with one prominent feature -his hawk-like stare. BUT MOST IMPORTANTLY, he took Janie's quirkiness in stride. Asking questions, debating, protecting, annoying, kissing…. You know the drill..😉

3. Beau Winston

Penny Reid’s Beard in Mind

Genre: Contemporary Romance

On first read, Beau was a good looking, charming good boy who is looking for his path after his twin, Duane left to pursue his own.

What I loved about him was how he dealt with Shelley's(Quinn's Sister) clinically diagnosed mental illness(OCD). He researched about it and made efforts to make it easier for her and was just overall supportive. 

It was awesome how much the author has put an effort in researching OCD facts to make details perfectly accurate and how it was NOT at all a hastily placed plot device to get the story going. 

4.Ted Beaudine

Susan Elizabeth Phillips’ Call Me Irresistible

Genre: Contemporary Romance

Hello to my favorite romance book of all time!

 I think I have read this many times already and have to put off re-reading it again for next year(2021)  to give my brain some time to forget some of the plot. We need to keep the mystery going! amiright??

Anyway, Ted was the perfect genius, good boy and people pleasing guy. He is perfectly polite, straight laced  and has basically carried the whole town in his muscled shoulders for years. (Did I tell you he was the Mayor?) 

Meg's carefree life and struggles basically tickled his good boy bone the wrong way.

Read this novel to witness how a perfect boy and wastrel girl turned out in the end. Seriously Please Read!

5.  Patrick Jason 'Pick' Ryan

Linda Kage' Be My Hero

Genre: Contemporary Romance

  He was the tattoed, orphan softie on the wrong side of town who thankfully did not grow up a thug because of a vision he got when he was young from a moled witch.

One day, his tinkerbell, the star of his visions, enters the bar he works at, but PREGNANT!

Gosh! I loved this so much. This was part of the Forbidden Men Series but can read as a stand alone. Although, I advise you to read the other books also, they were all awesome!

6. Colin Bridgerton

 Julia Quin’s Bridgerton Series

Genre: Historical Fiction/ Romance

Charming, green eyed and younger son, Colin was considered a catch of the ton.

He had a case of wanderlust and couldn't stay at one place without getting an itch. I can't say more without giving a major spoiler, but I loved that the author made him major insecurities.

Because secretly,too perfect is boring, right??

7. Sean Cassidy

Penny Reid and L.H Cosway's  The Player and the Pixie

Genre: Contemporary Romance

Wewowewowewo. *sexy flames* 

Imagine a gorgeous jerk of a jock with sexual inexperience and a rainbow haired goody goody shoes girl (whose brother is his ultimate enemy) who is willing to be the TEACHER!

But it was more than that, I liked how the authors highlighted the perils of kleptomania, the privilege of the rich and how gorgeous jerks are set straight by their women who would not suffer in a relationship with a class A insensitive jerk just because he was good looking and rich.

This was a ride! I lost count how many times I re-read this book.

8. Elend Venture

Branson Sanderson’s Mistborn Trilogy

Genre: High Fantasy

Elend was the angsty boy part of the elite class who is disgusted by his privilege and looks for ways to make the government better by reading outlawed books that spark rebellious and forward ideas. In short, he was a closet revolutionary.

Throughout the series there were some major changes in his life from a closet reader to a person who pursues ideas he just once read in books?

How do they say it? Walk the talk or in his case, Walk the read? (talking about it would mean death)

9.Archer Devereux

April White’s The Immortal Descendants Series

Genre: Time Travel Romance/ Historical Fantasy

Dumdumdumdum. Imagine a conservative college boy from the past your future self time traveled in, spends time with you, helps you in your quest, likes you secretly and is shy about it and becomes a vampire stuck in immortality waiting to meet the 'present' you.

Talk about love lasting through time! This was a great book if you love time travel stories with historically accurate and interesting facts injected heavily into the story! 

10. Rupert Carsington

Loretta Chase’ Mr. Impossible

Genre: Historical Fiction/Romance

A hellion younger son of an earl who loves an adventurous carefree life who is without inhibition, just goes along the ride and has a set of surprisingly caring and dependable muscled shoulders.

Meets a beautiful tempered scholar who needs his help finding his kidnapped brother in the sands of Egypt.

This is perfect for those who love adventure romances, and topics on the papyrus, mummies and the french and British looting conflict in the African colonies.

11. Sebastian Ballister

Loretta Chase’ Lord of Scoundrels

Genre: Historical Fiction/Romance

My favorite Historical Romance book ever!! Like Ted Beaudine's book, I try to read this at least once or twice a year to forget some of the plot and keep the mystery going.

He was called the Marquess of Dain and has been raising hell since childhood and in the present day France where he meets the blue stocking Jessica. The author throughout the book continually refers to them as the Beauty and the Beast.

What makes this book SPECIAL is how intelligent, witty and funny most of their conversations were. It's funny how many books are under many sexy, funny and witty lists on goodreads but only some of those on the list are actually true! THIS BOOK IS ONE OF THEM!

Jess was not annoying or shy or too much of a fighter and Dain was not too obnoxious. It was perfect.

And if you have not read this book or others from this author or genre, I command you to start reading after you finish this article.Break some cherries!

12.  Hardy Cates

Liza Kleypas’ Blue Eyed Devil

Genre: Contemporary Romance

A blue neck Town boy chasing dreams outside of town to leave the shithole of a living. He has white knight complexes but leaves the damsel in distress after the case is solved. Also, muscular and has the blunt and bluest  eyes on Texas 

This book I have also reread many times because it talks about dealing with domestic abuse and moving on after an abusive relationship, dealing with people who have narcissistic disorder and the life of the privileged.

13. Connor ‘Mad’ Rogan

Illona Andrews’ Hidden Legacy Series

Genre: Paranormal Romance (PNR)

Wootwootwoot. Imagine a former military but now head of the House 'Mad' Rogan successfully publicly kidnapping you in broad daylight using only wads of cloth. Talk about a powerful telekinetic! 

I loved that he was once again, A partner in the relationship and not an overprotective ape despite him being awfully more powerful than Nevada.

14.Phil Tucker

Jennifer Crusie Welcome to Temptation

Genre: Contemporary Romance

This is written by an author whose ALL BOOKS WRITTEN i have read and loved.

 Phil is part of a long line of male Mayors in the family and meets almost fugitive-like Sophie. 

Read as they deal with each other, try to take down a production of town porn video, deal with an enemy, try to dirty Phil down to win the next election and spend time reading a romance classic.

15.  Ansel Guillaume

Christina Lauren’s Sweet Filthy Boy

Genre: Contemporary Romance

Known for the many explicit sexy times that can be read throughout the book. So, if you want to stay green in the ears, skip this one till you're legal.

Ansel is a sweet, full of life French Lawyer celebrating with friends in LA and Mia with her friends also, celebrating their newly graduated from college selves.

Ansel is soft, a daydreamer, magnificent bringer of orgasms and game with all things Mia is willing to do.

They married through Elvis and decided to not divorce yet to explore the beautiful France and a  possibility of a good relationship.

AND DONE!

I actually have a lot more but these are for now.

CONSIDER THIS LIST AS A BOOK RECOMMENDATION FOR AWESOME ROMANCES WITH WELL WRITTEN AND SWOON WORTHY CHARACTERS 

Topic for my next blog entry:

How to Find the Next Good Book to Read:

A Guide to Good Sources of Book Recommendations

[brodymeetsworld]

This Christmas.

When I was a little girl, Christmas was my favorite holiday of the year. My grandmother would cook for days in preparation for the entire family( 6 grown children, 10 plus grandchildren) to gather around the table together (or the infamous kids table.) It was one of the only times of the year I was able see my extended family, and I soaked up every second of the time we had together. I have so many memories from learning how to cook with my Grandma, Aunts, and my oldest cousin Erin. To watching football in the living room with everyone including Granddaddy snoozing in “his chair”, to secretly learning how to play the card game “bullshit” (at a very young age I might add lol) with all of the cousins on the back enclosed porch. We would always end our evening the same way, after dinner we would sing the “Happy Birthday” song to Jesus, and because my little brother and I were the babies of the family, we usually got to blow out the candles on the cake. Afterwards, most of us would attend Christmas eve candlelight service at the Monterey Methodist Church. I didn’t get to go to Church very often, so these services were so special and beautiful to me. Those memories are some of the best memories of my childhood. 

After my grandparents passed away, the glue that held our extended family together dissolved. Everyone decided to host their own families for the holidays, and no longer wanted the financial or time burden to feed and host twenty-thirty family members. It saddens my soul to never see my aunts, uncles, or cousins anymore. The only way we see each other and communicate now is through social media or phone calls. One big portion of our family even moved half way across the country to Missouri, so the chances of seeing them anytime soon are slim. I truly haven’t felt the magic of Christmas since Christmas in Monterey, and that was 15 years ago.

After I met and married my husband, and when I became a mom, at the age of 26 and again at 27, I thought that magic would suddenly just appear again! Wrong, if anything, Christmas was harder all around. Not only did my two babies want nothing to do with Santa Clause, or the presents my husband and I worked so hard to buy, wrap, put together, but they were determined to destroy all of our decorations, including 3 separate artificial trees. I was completely emotionally and physically drained the first two Christmas’s with our children. I always just threw it off as of well this is life with two under two, or two under three. It never occurred to me, that one of my children may have special needs.

Fast forward to today, this will be my 30th Christmas. This will be my boys 4th and 5th Christmas. This year they have finally left our beautiful tree alone, and most of the presents underneath it as well. They both love to sing Christmas songs, and watch the snow fall on the ground. Our favorite thing to do right now is make Christmas crafts, and go searching for Christmas lights at night in the car. The proof of them growing and learning is obvious this year, and it brings so much joy to my heart. We also started going to church this year. What brought us to church was learning about our oldest son, Brody, diagnosis of Autism Spectrum Disorder over Easter weekend this past year. 

You see, my husband and I always knew Brody was special, but we had no idea how special he really was. We were first time parents, and when Bentley came along just 14 months after his brother, we entered survival mode and did our very best. Looking back, I think Brody started showing signs of Autism shortly after his brother came into the world, around 16 months old. I was in denial for a long time, as well as my husband. I can remember looking back and thinking how hard it was in the beginning with both boys, and I never thought of the hard times as Brody being “abnormal”. I always blamed myself for “not being a good enough parent”, and that’s why he is crying all the time. Or “I’m not a good cook, that's why he won’t eat any of the meals I make for him”. And the one I really truly believed, “I guess I don’t talk to him enough and that's why he won’t speak”. All of these things would torment me every day, and all I could do was vent to my husband or his pediatrician. I even took him to see a ENT doctor determined because he had so many ear infections as a baby, maybe he had a hearing problem. It wasn’t until a close family member kept Brody over night that Autism even crossed our radar. Bless her heart too, she tried to tell me, but instead of accepting help, I was angry with her. The first time I reached out for help with our children and my biggest fear was being confirmed.(crazy when I think back, I really was scared of this diagnosis) I was so deep in denial there was nothing she could have done at that time that wouldn't have upset me. It took a toll on our relationship, and I regret the time we lost together over it.

Before we even received Brody’s diagnosis, we enrolled him into the special needs pre school in our county. He qualified right away, and he started right after his third birthday. He went from speaking one word sentences, to three to four word sentences in a year and half time so far, and most importantly he can communicate his needs and wants. His eating has improved, and we have a list of foods he will eat as oppose to 4 things total. Brody will dance with us down the hallway, and sing silly songs for us. He knows how to say please and thank you, I’ve been told by his teachers he is showing empathy to his classmates, and he can finally say “I love you, mommy” or “I love you, daddy” without signing them to us at the same time. All of these things are so bittersweet for us, because there was a time not too long ago we weren’t sure they were even a possibility. 

Easter 2019 comes, we receive our sons test results in the mail. If you’ve never read ADOS results before, they can be a bit confusing. My husband and I read the results, googled our sons comparison score of “4″, and thought he was on the severe end of the spectrum. It wasn’t until the next day did we find out we were wrong, Brody is in fact on the mild end of the spectrum. But the night before was rough, we both cried and cried. Why did we cry? I really don't know the answer to that question. When you receive a diagnosis for your child, no matter the diagnosis, a part of you inside just breaks into a million pieces. I can’t speak for my husband on this, but I know for myself, as a mom, I blamed myself for a long time. I spent so much time trying to think back through out my pregnancy with Brody what I could have done wrong. I think back through out his infancy what could have went wrong, “what did I do, what did I do that made him different.” The end of the school year was coming, and we have a yearly IEP meeting with all of Brody’s team members. In that meeting, the school psychologist who tested Brody, told us it was imperative for Brody to constantly be put into small social circles. She recommended t-ball, soccer, church, birthday parties, etc. So that is exactly what we did. Brody wasn’t old enough to enroll into sports in our county yet, so we accepted every single birthday party invite, and focused on finding a Church family.

We had several invites to different churches in our community, but because I myself hadn’t been to church in over 15 years, I was a nervous wreck deciding which church to attend. Going anywhere, by yourself (my husband works A LOT), with two rowdy boys is hard. It’s 10x harder when you have a child with Autism. I knew I had to get over my fears of my sons meltdowns, and do this not only for my sons social interaction sake, but also so our children could learn about our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. I always wanted to learn about the Lord when I was growing up, but no body ever wanted to wake up sunday morning to attend a church service with me. In fact, the only times I ever attended church was during Christmas or if I stayed the night with one of my friends whose family attended. Now its my turn, it’s my duty as a mother, and as a daughter of the King, to teach my children his word and of his sacrifice for all of us. 

I choose our church family, Redeeming Grace Outreach Worship Center. The boys and I go almost every sunday. Both boys wake up excited to go to church, and really enjoy singing and dancing for the Lord. After a bit of a transitioning period in the beginning, Brody will finally go to the nursery without mama having to be there too. I am finally able to read the bible and worship God and take something away from each and every service, and that truly has been a game changer in our life as a family. 

So for my 30th Christmas this year, this will be by far my best Christmas yet. Its been a year of ups and downs, a year of believing in miracles (Ezekiel Rhett), a year of building our faith, and a year of learning acceptance. Our son is exactly who he is supposed to be, and he was made in the eyes of our father. Through him, I’m learning exactly who I’m supposed to be too. God has a purpose for each and everyone of us, and our mighty King makes no mistakes. This Christmas will be magical because we made it that way.

#autismawareness #autismacceptance  

[sanderssidesfanfiction]

We’ll Carry On - Chapter Sixty One

We’ll Carry On Tag

General Content Warnings: Sympathetic Deceit Sanders, Substance Abuse, Abandonment, Minor Character Death, Transphobia, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, Dissociation, Bullying, Homophobia

December 14th, 2020

Roman turned his head to look at the guy behind him in his math class. It looked like Ryan was wearing nail polish, but he couldn’t be...could he? Was wearing nail polish something Ryan liked to do? Was Ryan secretly in the closet and he hadn’t told anyone he was actually a woman, or nonbinary? Was this his way of coming out?

After class that day, Roman quietly asked Ryan about the nail polish. “Oh, yeah!” Ryan said, glancing at his nails. “I almost forgot I had it on. I went to a punk rock concert last night, and to get into it I painted my nails black. I think it’s pretty cool!”

“Aren’t you worried people will think you’re, you know, a girl?” Roman asked.

“Nah,” Ryan shrugged off. “Guys can wear nail polish too. It’s just a little less common. See you later!”

And as Ryan walked off to his next class, Roman was left stunned and scratching his head.

March 27th, 2021

Roman was mentally and physically exhausted as Dee wrapped up his game that he had been playing, with Roman acting out the part of the evil Dragon Witch. Honestly, Roman loved Dee, but he could be exhausting if Roman wasn’t careful and didn’t watch what he was doing. And he certainly didn’t watch what he was doing today.

Dee thanked Roman for playing, before running off to do whatever he wanted to do next, and Roman flopped face-first into the couch in the basement. He groaned when he heard slightly hesitant footsteps approach not thirty seconds later. That meant it was either Virgil, or... “Roman?” Patton asked.

Roman just groaned in response. He really was not up for this today, not that he had much of a choice. Patton would probably want to play something equally as draining, and Roman had difficulties ever saying no to Patton. He turned his head to look at them. “You good, Pat?” Roman asked.

“I should be asking you that,” Patton retorted. “You’re the one who played with Dee for forty five minutes straight.”

“Yeah,” Roman sighed, sitting up and running a hand through his hair. “That was probably a mistake, but seeing him happy was worth it.”

Patton smiled at him. “You’re a good older brother. A great older brother,” they corrected themselves.

“Do you want something? Or are you just trying to genuinely compliment me instead of buttering me up?” Roman asked with a sigh. “I’m just...really tired right now, Pat. I’m not up for much.”

“Oh,” Patton said. “I was wondering if you’d want to help me with makeup at all. You know that Dad and Ami got me a little makeup bag with some stuff inside it for my birthday, and I was wondering if you’d be willing to help me try some of it. I know how to use lipstick, but I have no idea what the other stuff should do.”

Roman sighed. That sounded like fun, and he didn’t want to say no to Patton, but he was genuinely exhausted. “I don’t know if I’m up for that right now, Pat. Though, if you want, maybe we could do each others’ nails?”

Patton’s whole face lit up. “Do you mean that?” they asked.

“Yeah,” Roman said. “So long as you use the bright red nail polish, I’m great with it.”

“Cool!” Patton exclaimed. That was another gift they got on their birthday—a few small bottles of nail polish. “Can we do it now, or do you want to nap for a little bit?”

“Eh, naps are kinda unhealthy after a certain time, and I’d be waking up at three in the afternoon if I fell asleep now. But I’d be so groggy I’d probably go right back to sleep,” Roman said, standing up and stretching.

Patton cocked their head to the side. “Isn’t it one in the afternoon?”

“Yup,” Roman agreed.

They went upstairs together, and nearly got run over by Vanellope and Dee rushing down the hall. “Dee, slow down!” Roman called.

“Never!” Dee called back. He had been talking bit by bit at home, claiming that so long as no one took any accidental tone as what he meant to say, that he’d feel comfortable using his voice. And he had used it more often when someone asked him for something but they couldn’t see him signing.

Roman shook his head and walked with Patton up another flight of stairs to their room, and Patton immediately went to their dresser, grabbing the red and the yellow bottles of nail polish. “Ooh, feeling cheery, are we?” Roman asked.

“I want to try the yellow out,” Patton said with a shrug. “Besides, it’s nice and bright and Dee might like it.”

Roman shook his head playfully. “One day, Patton, you’re going to paint your nails full rainbow, aren’t you?”

“Probably,” Patton agreed, getting on their bed. “Do you want me to do your hands or your toes?”

“Hands, please,” Roman requested, also sitting on the bed.

They sat in silence for a minute, not really needing to say anything, or having anything they wanted to say. Then, Patton idly said, “I’m not sure if I’ve ever had a crush.”

“Never?” Roman asked. “Not once?”

Patton shook their head. “Nope. I’m not really sure I want one, either. Romance is weird, and like, it’s okay if other people want to do it, but I’ve never found someone who I really want to do romantic stuff with. Is there a word for that?”

“Aromantic,” Roman said, letting Patton wave their hand a little bit over Roman’s fingers. “You could always be aromantic.”

“Huh,” Patton said. “What if I thought that I could maybe date someone, but like, only if I knew them really well? Like, I wouldn’t wanna date anyone I just saw on the street, that seems kinda weird. But I could see myself dating a friend, if they were okay with it.”

“That would be demiromantic, then,” Roman informed Patton.

“Oh!” Patton looked briefly surprised. “Okay. I didn’t know there was a word for that.”

Roman waited for Patton to say something else, but he didn’t. “That’s it?” Roman asked.

“That’s it,” Patton said, glancing up at Roman in their nail painting. “I’m demiromantic, until proven otherwise, I guess. Not a big deal, is it?”

“I mean, no, not if you don’t want to make it one,” Roman said. “I just thought you might...want to make it one.”

“Nah,” Patton said. “I don’t care too much about my gender, why should I care about who I love when I don’t have someone to love at the moment?”

“Fair enough, I guess,” Roman said, frowning. “I’m just...surprised.”

Patton grinned. “What, that the metaphorical heart of the family can’t be the heart when it comes to love?”

“Not what I meant!” Roman exclaimed. “I don’t want to push you into that specific category if you don’t want to be there. And there’s more to love than romance, you of all people should know that.”

“Yeah, I do,” they said with a cheeky grin. “I was just trying to tease.”

Roman narrowed his eyes and said, “As soon as my nails are dry, I will tickle you relentlessly.”

Patton laughed. “Good luck with that!”

“You know I can outrun you,” Roman warned.

“Yeah, but if I tickle you back, you stop your tickling and collapse into a useless heap,” Patton pointed out. “And I know all your weak spots.”

Roman’s jaw dropped. “Is that a challenge, my dear sibling?”

Patton’s grin grew mischievous. “And if it is?” they asked.

“Well, I would say that you’re in for a rude awakening!” Roman laughed.

Patton giggled and shook their head, continuing to paint Roman’s nails. When they had finished the last pinkie, they put the bottle of red nail polish on their nightstand, and offered the yellow one to Roman. “Can you do mine now?” they asked. “While your nails dry?”

“Sure,” Roman agreed, twisting the cap off and beginning to paint Patton’s nails. He was wracking his brain for something to say. “So, what’s it like being nonbinary?”

Patton shrugged. “Why do you ask?” they replied.

“I’m just curious,” Roman said. “Because there’s rejecting societal norms and gender conformity, and then there’s actually living outside the binary. Logan has told me a little about what it’s like swapping places on the binary, but I was wondering what it’s like outside it.”

“It’s...definitely interesting,” Patton said. “There’s not really one way to show that you’re nonbinary, you know? There’s no one size, or no one presentation, that will make people look at you and go, ‘Oh, they’re clearly nonbinary.’ A lot of people haven’t even heard of the term before. And you can dress vaguely masculine but have androgynous features and people may wonder, ‘Are they a boy or a girl?’ but they never ask if the person is nonbinary. Besides, not all nonbinary people want to present as vaguely masculine.”

“And if you dress at all feminine people assume you’re a trans girl or in drag, is that true?” Roman asked.

“I dunno about drag, because I’m only ten. There aren’t really drag queens my age, you know?” Patton laughed. “But yeah, people have asked me if I’m a boy or a girl, and the mean ones have asked it with a sneer or used the word ‘transgender’ like it’s a slur. It’s...it’s frustrating sometimes, but more often than not it’s just tiring. Why can’t I be allowed to just be myself, and not put a label on it? Sure, nonbinary is a good label, but if there could be no labels at all, it would be nice. I know some people feel better with labels, but I...don’t, usually. It’s nice when there’s a word for something like demiromantic, so I know I’m not alone, but if I have to use the label to explain why I’m not interested in someone, it’s just...yucky, you know?”

“Yeah, you don’t want to be forced into a box, you want to be in that box because you choose to be,” Roman agreed, finishing one of Patton’s hands. “I completely understand that.”

Patton hummed their agreement. “I’m super glad you understand,” they said softly. “Because sometimes it feels like others don’t. They don’t like being pushed into boxes because they’re the wrong boxes. Ami’s genderfluid. Logan’s a guy. I just...don’t like being put in any boxes. All the boxes are wrong.”

Roman nodded. That sounded really difficult, and he wished that Patton didn’t have to deal with that. His little sibling deserved better than those who insisted everyone be placed in a box. “Anything in particular you want to do after our nails have dried?” he asked.

“Nah,” Patton said. “Maybe we could just relax on your bed for a bit, or read downstairs, but I don’t want to do anything super high-energy today.”

“Oh, good, because I don’t want to either,” Roman sighed. “I’m exhausted.”

“I could tell,” Patton said, their grin just a little too big for Roman’s liking. “You never pace yourself when it comes to doing stuff with me, Virgil, or Dee. You’re a big softie when it comes to us.”

“Am not!” Roman protested. “I treat all of the family equally!”

“Then why don’t you do the same to Logan?” Patton challenged.

“Because he can be a jerk and we argue more than we get along,” Roman said.

“When anyone else is around,” Patton said. “Logan has told me that the two of you get along better without supervision. You act like mature adults who can handle problems on their own. But not if anyone else is around. You like putting up a front, but the two of you love each other.”

“Don’t tell anyone!” Roman hissed. “I have a reputation to protect, come on, Pat!”

Patton giggled and shook their head. “Come on, everyone knows that you two love each other, it’s not some government secret or anything.”

“Well, yeah, but it doesn’t need to be pulled into the open for inspection either!” Roman protested. “Seriously, Pat. It’s something that Logan and I share when we have time alone. If everyone knows that we’re civil alone, then someone will say they expect us to be civil all the time, and that will lead to actual arguments, not just arguing over who used the last of the eggs to make breakfast, or who stole who’s sweatshirt.”

“Okay, okay, okay, I won’t tell,” Patton promised. “I don’t see the big deal about having to be civil, though. Virgil and I get along almost all the time, whether other people are around or not.”

“Well, that’s different,” Roman said. “Because you don’t have the reputation of being a ‘Type A’ personality. People expect us to clash. If we don’t, they’ll get suspicious, and if people are scared of us getting along, they might spread rumors that would make us fight for real, and not want to talk anymore.”

“People would do that?” Patton asked, wrinkling their nose.

“Yup,” Roman said, finishing Patton’s second hand of nail polish. He put the bottle on the nightstand and sighed. “People are dumb sometimes.”

“Yeah,” Patton agreed. “Good thing we’re not just ‘people’ to each other, then, right?”

“I guess so,” Roman said with a smile.

[ariainstars]

Hungry Hearts - a Study in Codependency

Hungry Hearts is a film that confused me on first view. I watched it a few days ago, mostly because I am a fan of the Star Wars sequel saga but had never seen the protagonist, Adam Driver, in another role.

The funny thing is that on awakening the day after watching the film, I came to a conclusion quite different from most comments I had read online.

Watching “Hungry Hearts” was difficult for me because it contained a lot of triggers on a personal basis; but more about that below.

The story is essentially a thriller, about a man despairing when he has to find out that his wife has a distorted personality which threatens the life of their son.

The film concentrates very much on Mina, the female protagonist: she is the first person we see and she dominates most scenes, so she is who seems to be at the center of the story. But the conclusion I came to was that this is not Mina’s story, but Jude’s.

Jude’s characterization is that of a somewhat awkward and insecure person to say the least. He meets Mina in the bathroom of a restaurant where they both accidentally get stuck due to a jammed door; Jude suffers from diarrhea right then and this is the very first experience they share.

Honestly, who hooks up after an experience like that? I suppose anybody would be terribly embarrassed, not turned on. But in the very next scene we already see Jude and Mina in bed, asleep after a sexual encounter and gracelessly apart from one another.

Mina, who comes from Italy, then learns that her job requires her to travel back home. Jude, unwilling to let her go, seduces her and comes inside of her although she begs him not to. When Mina learns that she is pregnant, he proposes to her.

At the marriage party Jude sings an Italian love song for Mina, which is endearing to everybody but the bride, who looks embarrassed. Despite the fact that Jude learned the Italian text of the song for her (he had previously confessed that he does not speak the language), this scene foreshadows that Jude knows next to nothing about Mina: the song he sings is in Neapolitan, while her Italian accent indicates that her origins are elsewhere. (Alba Rohrwachter, the actress, is from Florence.)

During the marriage party Mina also gets to know Jude’s mother, whom, as she tells Mina, he purposely avoids, which is odd since she seems a nice enough person.

Mina, we learn as the story goes on, is not only a vegan but has very distinct ideas about physical and spiritual health. A psychic tells her that she is carrying an “indigo child”, i.e. a child that will have extraordinary paranormal capacities. The young woman is adamant to give birth at home, and when she does not manage, she has to be brought to the hospital where the child is born through Cesarean section.

In the following months, Mina obsesses about her seemingly “special” child. She hardly leaves the house, ignores the many calls from friends and acquaintances, stuffs every angle of the house with cloth and cushions, and feeds the baby (whose name, ironically, we never learn) with special food made from vegetables she grows herself, additionally to a special “cleansing oil” which is supposed to be particularly nourishing.

Jude grows increasingly frustrated and worried, and at the first occasion when Mina is not in the house, he takes his son to a pediatrist who confirms him that the child is not growing properly. Jude starts to feed the baby with a more nourishing diet. As Mina finds out about this, the conflicts between him and his wife intensify; Mina accuses her husband of not “trusting her”, while she is adamant that being the mother, she knows best what is good for the baby. Jude then starts to feed the baby secretly.

After a while, Jude’s mother Anne learns about the situation. We learn she was not present during pregnancy and birth, that she saw her grandchild only when he is already a few months old, and that her son does not want her to enter his house. He says to her that things are normal, that Mina is just going through a “phase” and that he and he alone will take care of his family. But as things deteriorate, he has to spirit the baby away to Anne to save him from Mina. His wife, distrusting both husband and mother-in-law, gets the child back by force and takes legal action to get the child’s father off her back.

The story ends in tragedy: Jude learns that Mina is dead. His mother shot her in her sleep, convinced that it was the only possibility to save her grandson. Jude is left alone and traumatized, but at least he has his son back in his care.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As odd as the story may seem, I am by now convinced that it’s not about crazy alternative health methods, bad motherhood or an unhappy marriage, but the story of a man with strong codependency issues.

The critical look in the mirror already suggests that Jude is not exactly happy with himself. He looks somewhat odd, and he is a timid, oversensitive man. He hooks up with a young woman he hardly knows only because a ridiculous circumstance forced him to share a conversation with her. When he learns she has to leave him, it does not occur to him to simply propose to her: he impregnates her first to raise the stakes that she will say yes.

The sad thing is that we see repeatedly that Jude is, at heart, an affectionate and caring person. He wishes for someone he can love and take care of; he denies Mina’s mental condition as long as he can, until the danger for their son becomes too obvious.

As he brings his child to the doctor, he carries it on his chest the way a woman would, visibly taking over the role Mina is unable to cope with; the child obviously brings out his caring and nurturing side, while Mina makes her motherhood all about herself.

It is difficult to say what Mina’s problem is; her mother is dead and she has no connection to her father. At their wedding, she is practically alone among Jude’s friends. The thought that her child is or will be something special becomes obsessive with her. And Jude is not strong enough to accept how weird and even insane the whole situation has become; he believes they will manage together and does not realize that he and Mina have nothing in common but their baby.

That his mother Anne in the end simply kills of his wife seems absurd, but I believe it to be the key scene: Jude’s own mother is, in my eyes, a disturbed person. Jude obviously does not know about personality disorders, but he must have had a reason for not wanting to include his own mother into their lives.

To me, Jude is obviously a codependent person; insecure, naïve, but essentially harmless. He wants nothing but a normal, healthy life with a family of his own, but his history with his mother made him choose (as is often the case) a partner with similar issues.  Mina is not a drunkard or junkie, but codependency mostly bonds the dependent person to someone like that; it is possible that Anne is an ex alcoholic, which would explain her son’s rejection of her. Mina does not eat meat, which may have made him suppose that she avoids all kinds of toxic substances; but an avoiding attitude, too, can border on insanity if the person pursues this course at all costs.

Hungry Hearts was triggering for me because I know what it means to grow up and be forced to live with a person with a personality disorder and developing copedendency: the denial, the lack of self-esteem, the strong attachment to someone even after only a short personal contact, the pretense that “everything is normal, this is just a phase”, the hope that the other will “recover”, the desperate desire for normalcy are things I know all too well. Personality disorder is a subject by far too little known publicly, disturbing and hard to diagnose.

Social assumptions go like this: a mother loves her child and knows what’s best for it. A man is inclined to violence and never “gets” his own children. Love will see it through.

Hungry Hearts takes these prejudices and turns them upside down: we see a mother who almost lets her child starve, a father desperate for its safety and yet willing to be patient and let her have her own way as far as possible; and as for love, how much can these two have loved one another when they hardly were acquainted? Jude wanted a family of his own, perhaps he was scared (or had enough) of being alone, so he grasped his first opportunity. He might have learned to love his wife truly during marriage, but with a disturbed person, he hardly had a chance. Jude remains torn between wife and child until his own mother, ironically, relieves him from his torment, but replacing it with another: he is now a young widower whose mother is convicted for murder.

This is my own interpretation and of course it’s hugely personal due to my own story. Most people do not know about personality disorders, and they may grow up with or know such people for years, maybe decades, never understanding what is going on, putting up with “compromises”, making excuses for them and bearing their abusive behavior with patience, only making things get worse and worse. Indulgence and forbearance from others are the last things disturbed persons need, having no understanding of their own self and no healthy social skills, basically living only in their own heads. I never found whether there is a possibility to cure them, but from own experience I can only say that trusting them even to the least degree leads nowhere except to further abuse by them.

Jude is right when he says to his mother that he and his child are all Mina has, but still that does not justify her toxic behavior. Anne, too, plays with fire: she knows she has her highly disturbed, vegan-living, nourishment-obsessed daughter-in-law in the house, and she cooks meat right before her eyes; she calls Mina insane only a few days before killing the young woman. We learn then that Anne is aware that she was not a good mother to her son and that freeing him of his mind-sick wife is, for her, a desperate measure trying to make amends, additionally to the only way she saw to save her grandson. She hints that she had hoped her son had “forgiven her”, which could further emphasize her awareness of her failure as a mother - as I already assumed, perhaps due to an addiction.

A personality disorder is a psychiatric diagnosis which is much more serious and dangerous than PSTD, a personal crisis, a bout of depression or something similar; it roots deep in the person’s psyche and poisons their own life as well as that of the people around them. An incisive experience like married life and or motherhood can trigger this personal weakness additionally, because the disturbed person is additionally stressed and, having the personal maturity of a child, is subconsciously aware of not being capable to handle the situation. Disturbed persons can seem normal and even quite nice in everyday life, but the more stressful and extreme a situation, the more their weakness and detachment from reality become evident. Childishly determined not only to make the best of their lives but to live them to some extreme, in a way that is wholly their own, they are the least likely to accept that something is wrong with them. Hence my interpretation of Mina’s, and also Anne’s, idea of what they believed was “the best” for the child.

On first view, Jude seems the bad guy, the perpetrator: he seduces Mina, practically pushes her into becoming his wife, lets his child be brought into the world through section against her will, yells at her and beats her once during a quarrel; in the end he separates mother from child, which from the point of view of any devoted mother would seem like the cruelest thing anyone could do. But he does so in bright daylight, on his own, and he speaks to his wife telling her that it is only a temporary arrangement. Mina takes the boy away from his father with the aid of the police, in the middle of the night and never wasting a thought or a look for him: the officer shows him an official statement claiming he hit her and is thus unfitting to be a father. The physical evidence of the child’s small, starving body is obviously never officially checked: being the man, Jude is automatically seen as the bad guy and he has no chance to put up a fight.

But this is, essentially, the crux of the matter: a codependent person is not to be afraid of. Codependents are weak, insecure, and often come over as needy, but they are not treacherous or irresponsible. They sometimes seem angry without reason but the truth is that they are patient (or better: they were groomed by their abusers to bear their extreme behavior in patience) and people from the outside usually get to see their outbursts only when the last drop falls. Hardly anybody is aware of what went on before, because codependents are so used to denying the abuse and hiding it away. Jude is essentially a passive person, reacting instead of acting, surviving instead of living. His illusions of being a normal husband and father shatter before his eyes one by one.

One of the scenes I found most disturbing was Jude’s desperate attempt to get help from a social worker, who could only offer him that a mother must be exposed publicly to gain proof for her behavior, so that the child can be separated from her; but Jude knew well that he had little time and that his son’s life was at stake. The helplessness of an official social worker in such a situation is frightening, based on the social conviction that a mother should not be separated from her child unless in a very critical case, and even then, only with ample given proof. Again, the underlying assumption is that a mother “loves” her child and that a father pretending that she is harming it cannot be trusted. The social worker then suggests to Jude to bring the baby to his grandmother for his safety, but she also warns him that technically, this course of action would be kidnap. She does not even dare to speak about it to him in his office but does so in private, running after him in the street at the end of their interview. That Jude risks being called a kidnapper and entrusts his child to his estranged mother only accentuates his despair.

Now some may see me as a cruel person who cannot enter a mother’s sentiments, but I watched the film from the point of view of the child, and I can confirm to you from my experience that a disturbed mother can be threatening health, sanity and the very life of the creature for which she is responsible. The way Mina “lives for her child” may appear heart-wrenching, but it flat-out denies anybody else’s feelings - the father’s, the grandmother’s, even the child’s. Disturbed mothers “love” their children with a clinginess that is suffocating for them, reason being that they believe that at least of their own children they will never have to be afraid, since these are their “own”. They will painstakingly watch, suppress and fear any and every sign of independence from their children’s side as they grow; they mistake their children’s dependence on them for trust and, thus, love. Mina is dependent from her husband at the beginning of their marriage; making their relationship about the child’s dependence from her is perhaps her attempt to shift the dynamics, proving that she does not know love without dependence herself.

In this case, the baby mercifully at least never experiences psychical abuse because his mother dies before he is capable to think. Jude, too, due to his short acquaintance with Mina is spared the usual brainwashing and endless cycle of guilt-trips and condescension disturbed people usually torment their victims with, often gloating at their pain.

Superficially seen, “Hungry Hearts” may seem a drama, or thriller, working with bizarre elements. But from the point of view of an ex codependent (at least I hope I will never go there again!), who has known coexistence with personality disorder first-hand, it’s shockingly accurate and deeply disturbing in its intensity and realism.

The hearts of these four people are hungry for different things: Mina and Anne strive for control, while Jude and his son hunger for the chance to love and be loved. The child becomes the symbol of this, not needing the “special” food his mother gives him but what his father gives him, food that is plain but nurturing.

It is typical for a disturbed person to believe that “real love” must be something special, particularly fine and pure and above everything else, the answer to all questions and the balm to every wound (like the “pure” oil Mina insists on feeding her baby with); but love is everyday bread, necessary for life but also simple and common. With an almost brutal realism, we are confronted with the fact that Mina will never learn this truth, and possibly neither will Anne. Only Jude, who at times seemed to be the bad guy, and his innocent son have, in the end, a chance to learn together what normal life and love are.

Year of production: 2014

Country of production: Italy

Director: Saverio Costanzo

Starring: Adam Driver (Jude)                Alba Rohrwachter (Mina)                Roberta Maxwell (Anne)

[fatimapirante-blog]

Articles

Text 1 Title of the Text: Depression Author of the Text: Ranna Parekh Title of the Publication: American Psychiatric Association URL or Web Address: https://www.psychiatry.org/patients-families/depression/what-is-depression

         Depression. It’s a heavy word, and one that we are all too familiar with in our day and age. Depression isn’t equivalent to sadness it’s a serious medical condition. It isn’t something that can be controlled manually. Although all age groups are open to depression, teenagers are the most common to be heard of being affected by the disease. This is probably because of peer pressure and the changes in their life. Although women are three times more likely to become depressed than men, men are five times more likely to commit suicide when depressed than woman.

         Depression is more common in woman because woman are more ruminative than men, they tend to think about things more which, though a very god thing, may also predispose them to developing depression. Woman are generally more invested in relationships than men. Relationship problems are likely to affect them more, and so they are more likely to develop depression. Also, women come under more stress than men. Not only do they have to go work just like men, but they may also be expected to bear the brunt of maintaining a home, bringing up children, caring for older relatives, and putting up with all the sexism.

         There are many symptoms of depression. Sadness and loss of satisfaction in things once enjoyed are probably the most known symptoms. But some symptoms are sometimes over looked. Guilt is one symptom that coincides with depression immensely. When feelings of guilt are put on a person they lose what hope they once had. 

         They blame themselves for things that they are not accountable for and have extreme feelings of hopelessness. Stress is another great factor in depression. Stressful events or experiences can stimulate depression in people who are predetermined to the disorder.

         Depression is not only a state of being sad, it is a disease that conquers the ability to feel emotion, whether good or bad, whatsoever. Depression not only involves the mind, it also involves the body and thoughts. It is a serious but treatable disorder that affects millions of people, from young to old. It gets in the way of everyday life, causing tremendous pain, hurting not just those suffering from it but also impacting everyone around them.

         If someone you love is depressed, you may be experiencing any number of difficult emotions, including helplessness, frustration, anger, fear, guilt and sadness. These feelings are all normal. Its not easy dealing with a friend or family member’s depression. If you neglect your own health, it can become overwhelming. That said, your companionship and support can be crucial to you loved one’s recovery. You can help them to cope with depressions symptoms, overcome negative thoughts, and regain their energy, optimism, and enjoyment of life. 

       Start by learning all you can about depression and how to best talk about depression and how to best talk about it with your friend or family member. But as you reach out, don’t forget to look after your own emotional health, you’ll need it to provide the full support your loved one needs.

       Depression make it difficult for a person to connect on a deep emotional level with anyone, even the people they love the most. You can’t rescue someone from depression nor fix the problem for them. You’re not to blame for your loved one’s depression or responsible for their happiness. While you can offer love and support, ultimate recovery is in the hands of the depressed person.

        Depression can be managed with professional treatment. People who receive professional treatment for depression said it improved their mental their mental condition. The doctor can treat any medical issues that may be responsible for the symptoms of depression, and if medication is an issue, the hospital provides other options as well.

        Depression is a serious problem, but there are millions of people who have managed to lead successful lives despite struggling with it. It’s important that society recognizes depression for what it is. It’s an illness, not a choice.

Text 2 Title of the Text: Education Author of the Text: Marion Lewis Title of the Publication: Huffpost URL or Web Address: https://www.huffpost.com/entry/home-schooling-vs-public-schooling-making-the-right_b_57d277c3e4b0f831f7071a82?guccounter=1&guce_referrer=aHR0cHM6Ly93d3cudHVtYmxyLmNvbS8&guce_referrer_sig=AQAAAAdTS0lhVxVQdiEckP6_R1TJARxC-hId68ORXr_Cqx4l6f2lO1nszEmcl_Q3YCyie7HfNJG_O8w18wsT4O6IonH2edBVsIRm1mUX23XjjZZNaNFp_55CodE6naHBt9euMvmJH6RtzsUIUBfrDFAHBHQ9WJk9DlIgc-bYl0XHYJsG  

        According to the article “Education plays an important role in human life regarding to build their personality, career , and mental growth”. Education helps us to build our own foundation and to widen our knowledge to our surroundings. Education empowers minds that will be able to conceive good thoughts and ideas. It enables students to do the analysis while making life decisions. It helps you to achieve your dreams, to be a doctor, engineer and many more.  

          We can also bring positive changes to the society, government and economic. Through government , education is one of the ways to prevent corruption  and other environmental problems.  To society, Education makes us better citizens by teaching us how to conduct ourselves through life by following rules and regulations and giving us a sense of conscience. Lastly, to economic, education helps the people to build more good structures and technology so that people would live a safety and enjoyable lifestyle. 

           As Nelson Mandela stated “Education is the most powerful weapon which you can use to change the world”. Education is used to empower ones mind to come up with new ideas new vision and plans for the society. Education is one of the reasons why our community is improving such as gadgets, houses and many more. Education grows as values. If you have the skills but don’t have the values then educated person become useless. Education has to be accessible to all. Thanks to modern technologies and internet innovators. Due to them, now rural people, poor people, and people living in huts are able to get access to education through mobiles phones. 

           There are difference between schooling and education. Schooling takes place in the home environment, while education may take place in schools, colleges or universities. Home schooling has steadily become one of the most popular forms of education for parents across the world. According to research, it develops increasingly fast at an approximate annual rate of 7-15 percent per year. 

           There are parents who believe that school environment can spoil the young minds and prevent them from developing independent thinking abilities. Basically, this reflects the difference between homeschooling and education, because in case of homeschooling children have a greater opportunity to develop certain skills that they would not be able to develop at school. 

          However, another difference lies in the fact that school might affect children negatively because of some categories of people they socialize with at school. This is a perceptible difference between home and school education.Some parents are concerned about the academic quality of various public schools due to the overcrowded classrooms. This is another difference between homeschooling and school education. It is reflected in the fact that school environment suggests educating a great number of students which prevents individual students from developing in a right way and receiving a quality education.

          Furthermore, some parents have to take care of children with special needs for whom homeschooling is the best option, because home environment provides better conditions for their development. In this regard, it should be noted that another difference between homeschooling and education is that education does not provide means for accommodating needy students, which makes it an inappropriate form of education for students with disabilities.

Text 3 Title of the Text: Bullying Author of the Text: Roxanne Dryden-Edwards Title of the Publication: Bullying Facts URL or Web Address: https://www.medicinenet.com/bullying/article.htm

       Bullying is the big part of the fear of most people going to face. Bullying can lead to self harm. In severe cases, bullying can even lead to death. No matter how someone is bullied, face to face, publicly over the internet or anonymously over the internet, all cases extreme pain to the victim. Others who choose to do nothing or don’t reach out for help the victims of bully may secretly cut or harm themselves. Some they become depressed and think suicidal thoughts. This victims of bullies decide they can’t handle life itself anymore so they commit suicide.

         Most of the teens bully through online or in social media because it is easy, you can just type, click and post even without them knowing who you are. Cyber bullying is very unhealthy though it never touches our body or we’re not physically damaged, but it causes us to become depress and can make us experience anxiety. We are mentally and emotionally damaged that can lead us to suicide.

        Bullying is a deliberate act to hurt someone physically, verbally or psychologically. Bullying is an issue of power. Bullying is when individual or groups persistently over a period of time, behave in ways, which causes another person to feel hurt, physically or non-physically. Using technology, a person can be able to bully without the face to face confrontation. Bullies can be anyone because they can hide behind technology becoming anonymous. These makes finding the bully very difficult.

       There are many different types of bullying that can be experienced by children and adults alike, some are obvious to spot while others can be more subtle. The different types of bullying that we look at below are some of the ways that bullying could be happening. Physical bullying includes, hitting, kicking, tripping, pinching and pushing or damaging property. Verbal bullying includes name calling, insults or verbal abuse. While verbal bullying can start off harmless, it can escalate to levels which start affecting the individual target. Social bullying is often harder to recognize and can be carried out behind the bullied person’s back. It is designed to harm someone’s social reputation and/or cause humiliation. Cyber bullying can be overt or covert bullying behaviors using digital technologies, including hardware such as computers and smartphones, social media and other online platforms.

       There are several sites on the internet that offer advice on how to deal with bullies. Some of the suggestions that can be found are to make sure to tell a teacher, tell parents, be aware when walking alone, always stay calm when being bullied, make sure to use one voice to attract attention. Talk to someone. As hard as bullying is to deal with, one day you will be out of school and never have to see these people again. In the meantime, fond someone you can confide in. Talk to your parents or a counselor. They may be able to help.

       Bullying can never be a joke, it causes major destruction to ourselves. It will never be good to bully someone though you can make some people laugh, but the point is you just hurt or win someone’s feeling and life. Stand up for friends and others you see being bullied. Your actions help the victim feel supported and may stop bullying. Some people bully to deal with their own feelings of stress, anger, or frustration. Bullies might also have been bullied and now want to show their power by bullying someone else. Even though people are different, it’s important to treat everyone with respect.

Text 4 Title of the Text: Pollution Author of the Text: Archana Title of the Publication: India Celebrating URL or Web Address: https://www.indiacelebrating.com/article/article-on-pollution/

          Anything added into the environment that results in producing harmful or poisonous effect on living things is called pollution. Pollution is the process that makes nature’s resources such as land, water, air or other parts of the environment unsafe or unsuitable to use. Pollution can be of many types: soil, air, water, thermal, radioactive, noise, and light. The toxins released are inhaled by each one of us while we breathe. Pollution is a process of making the environment dirty and unhealthy for humans and animals to live. It is caused due to the release of both tangible and intangible contaminants. These can be released naturally or by humans themselves accidentally or deliberately.

          Inhaling poisonous air is as hazardous as smoking. It is not only the humans who are affected from this polluted environment but also the animals. Air is filled with highly toxic gases. These dangerous gases in environment are released by the power industries that burn fossil fuels, industries that dispose wastes in the water, farmers using pesticides, high usage of artificial lights and loud sounds. Any use of natural resources at a rate higher than the nature’s capacity to restore itself can result in pollution of air, water, and land. Other than human activities, there are a few periodic natural cycles that also result in release of dangerous stuff. Natural activities other than the human activities like volcanic eruption, dust wildfires, etc also result in creation of pollution.

           Pollution disturbs our ecosystem and the balance in the environment. Each year millions of people die due to various diseases caused by pollution. The biggest irony of all this is that even if we know that the earth is getting polluted, ultimately it is the human beings themselves who dig their own grave by doing deliberate activities because of which pollution is caused. It does not only spoil human beings’ health but also worsen their quality of life.In order to fight this life threatening effects of pollution, vigorous efforts should be made. Anti-pollution laws should be strictly implemented. In order to check water pollution, sewage and the factory wastes should be properly disposed off and vehicles should be made eco-friendly.

            Every individual owns certain responsibility of maintaining few points such as not throwing garbage all around, growing trees, using public transport instead of their own, etc. We must shun excessive consumption and avoid careless and deliberate disposal of post-consumption waste resources which could otherwise be recycled and would led to pollution control. Pollution cannot be reduced or controlled if a sense of responsibility towards our Mother Earth is not felt by all concerned. Pollution can be controlled, if not eliminated. Efforts such as promoting green environment and proper disposal of waste are simple steps that lead to great emphasis on maintaining the order of environment. Environmental pollution is a global problem today. Public awareness is a must to prevent pollution. Population control will also help to save the world from environmental pollution. Scientific exploitation of natural resources is yet another step to prevent environmental pollution. Let us not destroy the place we live in for there is no other place we can go.

[femnet]

Confession: I’m afraid of dying. Or I used to be. Maybe it’s because I used to wonder if I was. It all started when I was in my early 20s and I’d have these episodes while sleeping- an alarm bell would go off in my head and I would suddenly jolt up out of bed, gasping for breath, my body half numb, my heart pounding.

Doctors told me it was just anxiety, which in some cases, it is. But I knew in my heart that it wasn’t normal for me. I was the most laid-back, ce la vie person that I knew. I never had a panic attack in my life. But just in case, they convinced me to take antidepressants. Needless to say, they didn’t work.

For several years, I was able to ignore the symptoms. They were vague and would come and go. I told myself I was just out of shape. After all, I used to be a competitive swimmer who swam for hours every day and now I was so busy with work that I only worked out a few times a week. I might feel dizzy and short of breath after a workout one day and feel fine the next. Dehydration, maybe? But I drank water like a mermaid. Weeks later, I would feel weak in my left arm. I went to the neurologist. Then, it was my left jaw. I saw a dentist. I had lung tests for shortness of breath. The pulmonologist said my lungs were clear and my lung capacity was higher than average, probably due to being an athlete.

However, in my 30s, when I started feeling dizzy and faint after lifting a heavy object or leisurely walking around Target for thirty minutes, I started to get scared. I made a few trips to the ER, but the doctors and nurses did not seem worried. My EKG was normal. My blood pressure and heart rate were optimal. X-ray and blood work were stellar. I was just another healthy young woman who worried too much about her health. But just to alleviate my fears and to be prudent, they conducted a plethora of tests: a holtor monitor for palpitations, a tilt test for dizziness, echocardiogram, nuclear stress echo on a treadmill. I passed them all with flying colors. “Good news!” they would say. “It can’t possibly be your heart!” I tried to feel relieved, but the symptoms never went away. And since no one believed me, I suffered in silence.

As a woman, I am NOT alone in my experiences with the healthcare system. It turns out, women really are from Venus. We are just as unique chemically as we are in every other way and we have been historically misdiagnosed and underdiagnosed. There are many more of us out there doubting ourselves. I’ve read too many documented cases and verified studies about women who died too soon or too young because their symptoms were dismissed or misdiagnosed as anxiety or stress by their doctors. Why? It isn’t because doctors don’t care about women. It’s because medicine is not a perfect science. There are still so many things that we still don’t know about our bodies and most diagnostic tests have been tested on men. Therefore, women have to be the experts of their own bodies. We have to be own advocates.

Finally, last year, at the of 36, I could not ignore my symptoms any longer. I was a high school English as a Second Language teacher and I had to walk up 3 flights of stairs every day to get to my classroom, leaving me exhausted, nauseous and dizzy all day long. I would have to fake normalcy with my coworkers and students when secretly I felt like I was a ticking time bomb. I would spend my lunch breaks crying, checking my pulse and obsessively googling my symptoms. I eventually had to quit my job and dedicate myself full time to finding a diagnosis. Now, I can finally say that I’m on the right track.

The greatest relief came when I realized I wasn’t going crazy. All of my independent research finally led me to find more patient stories like mine. I found a support group of (mostly) women, some my age or even younger, with negative tests, no risk factors or family history, but persisting symptoms. It turns out that our main arteries are clear, but we have a dysfunction in our tiniest vessels, which can lead to a chronic lack of blood flow to the heart, a condition now known as microvascular disease. Unfortunately, it is difficult to diagnose as it is difficult to detect with conventional to test. Not only is it difficult to diagnose, but also difficult to treat. However, as more and more is becoming understood about the mechanisms behind it, (some experts believe it is an autoimmune or inflammatory response or genetic disorder), doctors are able to help us manage our symptoms to prevent future problems like heart attack, stroke, or heart failure.  

Contrary to popular belief, heart disease is the leading killer of women of all ages. Women are more likely than men to have heart symptoms or even a heart attack despite having clear main arteries. Women are also more likely to die before, during, and after their first heart attacks. I’m not saying this to scare you. Knowledge is power and women are the best experts of their own bodies. If your doctor says you’re fine, but that little voice tells you that something just isn’t right, seek a second opinion. And a third. If it weren’t for the women in my Facebook support group, I would never have found a specialist for microvascular disease. He is one of only a few in the country. I am crossing my fingers for a definitive diagnosis in February.

But even without one, I know I’ll be okay. I have good days and bad days. I have a support system of friends all over the world. I���ll keep on living and searching for answers and ways to adjust to my evolving situation. I am more in tune with my body and I know my limits. I’m now more comfortable living in a state of “unknown”,  which has helped me cope with living and the idea of dying. Life is precious. I don’t put off my dreams, but I also take one day at a time. I listen to my body instead of the advice of others. I allow myself to be lazy some days. I try not to feel guilty when I have to cancel plans. I try not to care what other people think. I’m kind to myself.

As a teacher and life long learner, my experience has become more intriguing to me than depressing. I’ve chosen to make lemonade from these lemons. I feel like a living, breathing science experiment. I do have some control over what I choose to do from now on. And although this condition limits me in physical ways, it has also put me on the path I am today. It’s made me love science and medicine. Made me live more deliberately and choose a healthier lifestyle. It’s made me more creative. Adaptable. Resourceful. Determined. I’m now teaching English online to kids all over the world. I’ve also started my own blog, something that’s been a goal of mine for years, but I never had the time when I was teaching in the classroom full-time.

I am not very religious, or even very spiritual (although I try to be), but this experience has made me consider the existence of fate and a higher power. Maybe I was meant to be struck with this. Quit my classroom job. Write this article. Have you read it. Save a life.

[babydoll1947]

Let’s Talk: Mental/Emotional Abuse, from a Survivor

If you read my recent post, you have seen that I am a true crime lover, and have been watching the ID channel as if it may disappear when I’m not looking (kind of like this post did the first time I wrote it, but we’ll get to that). However, I have found that my obsession sometimes comes at a cost to my mental health. You see, when I watch these shows and hear about these horrible people with horrible traits... well, sometimes it triggers recall of some of the equally horrible traits of the man who once abused me. Now, do I think one day he will escalate all the way to murdering someone? No, I think there is a fairly slim chance of that, just given the lack of physical violence I have seen him exhibit. But, I could be wrong, and I sincerely hope everyone he encounters stays on their guard with him. Do I, however, believe this man is a sadistic psychopath who derives pure please from controlling and harming other people (especially women)? Yes, yes I do, with every fiber of my being. No matter the type, abuse is a topic people cringe at the thought of having to talk about. Trust me, the first time I wrote this before tumblr threw it off into the cosmos somewhere, it turned out to be one of the most difficult and painful things I’ve ever had to write. And, I do not relish the thought of having to write this all over again. But, even though we don’t want to talk about this, I believe that we NEED to talk about this. And yes, I said “we”, because it takes small actions from a whole lot of people to make a change in the world around us, not to mention the fact that I think everyone can gain something from the takeaways of abuse survivors. So, here I am, about to write about one of the worst years of my life, hoping to help others gain more understanding. WARNING: I am about to share graphic, detailed accounts of abuse. If you do not feel you can emotionally cope, that’s okay, please just skip to the end of the post for the recap. If at any time you feel you need support, please send me a message and I will be happy to direct you to some amazing resources! I met Chris... and I am choosing to use his real first name, as I do not feel he deserves any anonymity at all... when I was 17 and a senior in high school. When I said earlier that this man is a psychopath, I do not use that term lightly. Like, “Oh, that girl is psycho, like, totally cray cray!” I mean it in the full sense and scope of the disorder. I met him through a close friend who was seeing him, and our first real encounter should have sent off warning bells in my head. To protect the privacy and dignity of myself and my friend, I am not going into details of that particular encounter here, but I will say that it was sexual in nature. False promises were made to my friend to convince her to do this, and it was not an overall a good experience. Even with that, though, there was something so charming and alluring about him that you just felt pulled in. Right away I started seeing him on my own. At first, it was almost like a secretly agreed “sister wives” situation... each of us knew about the other, and knew we were both seeing him, but also both adored him so much that we didn’t seem to care. Over time, as we both started to want more with him, he would lie or manipulate the situation to keep us placated. Often, he would tell me he was not dating her, but tell her that he was. He loved to lie. Like, genuinely loved it. He once told me that half the time he would lie even when he didn’t need to, just to see what he could get away with and how many people he could fool. Another red flag I missed, since that is one of the hallmark traits of a psychopath. He could also fake any emotion necessary to obtain his end goal, even though I doubt he really felt much of anything. Before long, I was practically living with Chris and his roommate in their apartment. Despite this closeness, and his supposed care for me, we never “officially” dated. This is where things started to go haywire. He frequently would list off things he desired in a potential girlfriend, and I would jump through hoops to make them happen. I grew my hair out because he preferred long hair (even though I hated maintaining long hair), got French manicures because he didn’t like bright colored nails (even though I did), changed my mannerisms and reactions to be the “cool girl”, literally anything I had to do to please him. Sadly, I never realized that nothing I did would ever please him or be good enough for him... he just wanted to see how far he could push me. Over that year I morphed into a person I didn’t even recognize in the mirror. Then came the “reminders”, as I like to call them. He would not only talk about girls he liked from work or school, but bring them home with him when he knew I was there, parading them in front of me to remind me that I still wasn’t good enough. Next were the subtle put downs. Then the more serious put downs. Then came the tough love. So tough, in fact, the he held me by my arm while I was sobbing and trying to go home, holding me there until he was done telling me everything that was wrong with me. That was the closest he ever came to physical abuse, his hand wrapped around my forearm, but hell... sometimes I wished he would just hit me, thinking it would hurt less than his words piercing my heart and self-esteem. Still, I fell in love with him. Still, I stayed. Things continued to spiral, and with that spiral came the sexual abuse. That was undoubtedly the worst. His idea of sexual fun was to make me give him oral sex until he was almost ready to orgasm, then push me onto my stomach so he could fuck me for a few seconds until he came on my body. It was no longer about my pleasure or desires, only his. He convinced me that I would like being submissive, that I enjoyed it. He made me call him master, and bend to his will. On more than one occasion he would put me on my knees to give him oral sex, then hold me by my hair and half-drag/half-make-me-crawl over to him like a disobedient dog. Like an animal. I didn’t like it, but I just figured as long as it pleased him it was okay. I had only one hard boundary which I had communicated to him several times: I would not do anal sex. So, to get around this boundary, he decided to just rape me instead... One night as he was fucking me from behind, he pulled out of my vagina and ruthlessly thrust himself into my anus. I buried my face in the mattress and screamed, the pain being indescribable. He did not stop when I screamed. He kept thrusting until he finished inside me, and gave the final demeaning blow as I followed him into the bathroom: “This is why I don’t do anal, it makes your dick smell bad.” I sat on the toilet for several minutes in disbelief, dripping blood and cum into the bowl. I had never felt more humiliated in my entire life, and I don’t know if I ever will. But, he apologized (though he did not mean it), I forgave him (as I always did) and life moved on. Any time I tried to pull away from him, he made sure that didn’t happen. He would talk bad of people I liked, talk bad of me to the people I liked, and sabotage any attempt to let him go. The final few months of hell came with his drug abuse. He became addicted to Xanax and Percocet, and I became his caregiver and guardian, ensuring that he ate, finished tasks, etc., and watching over him on many sleepless nights, making sure he didn’t start to overdose in his sleep. He never once thanked me for helping him, or saving his life until he finally went into rehab. The only good thing that ever came of our relationship happened during one of his attempts to be sober: he began going to church, so I went with him and ultimately rekindled/strengthened my relationship with God. That relationship is what lead me to eventually leave Chris behind. As more time passed we slowly parted ways, him going into rehab and then halfway homes, and me leaving home permanently. Still, it took a very long time to remove him from my life completely. He was like a cancer that I had to extract from my soul one piece at a time, and it took me a lot of time, distance, and perspective to come to the realizations I have about who he really is. Here are the reasons why I am telling you all of this (if you didn’t want to read the details, come back now). First of all, something that still haunts me to this day is how nobody did anything to help me. I mentioned that he lived with a roommate, and they regularly had another friend at the apartment with them, but neither of them tried to intervene on my behalf. I know how hard it can be to confront a friend for doing shitty things, believe me I do, but we MUST do this. Please. If you are friends with someone who shows signs of being a perpetrator, please talk to them, or help the person they are with. The next thing is, please be understanding and patient with people who have survived or are currently experiencing abuse. I already know that a lot of you were thinking while reading my story “Why didn’t she just leave?” The answer is a simple one: I really believed that I loved him. I couldn’t process what was happening to me while I was still wearing the rose-colored glasses, and it can be extremely difficult to discern how bad a situation is in while you are still in it. Give your loved ones time to process what is happening, but still support and protect them as much as you can. Nothing is as black-and-white as it seems. Also understand that just because the abuse isn’t physical, it doesn’t make it any less damaging. I still struggle with the trauma to this day, seven years later. The last few days I found myself dealing with flashbacks and bouts of intense anger. It happens sometimes, and will likely continue to happen here and there for the rest of my life. And lastly, I leave you with this: If you have experienced abuse of any kind, or if you still are, I promise you that you will be okay. You are strong, a fighter, and a survivor. You are a WARRIOR. Time may not heal all wounds (I still have plenty of scars) but it truly does make it easier and less painful. There will come a day when the pain is not a constant ache, and when you can breathe freely again. Never, ever, EVER give up! I love you all, and I am always here for you! Thanks for going on this journey with me. 

[godfirstgodalways]

Hey, I’m not trying to start anything- I just had a question I guess? So I was taught that God hates sin because sin hurts people, which makes sense to me- lying, stealing, cheating, and so on, have the potential to hurt people. But if being gay or bi or trans doesn’t hurt anyone, why would god hate it & why would it be a sin? Again, not trying to fight, just want to know if I’m not understanding something correctly & be the best follower of Christ I can me, sorry if it comes off the wrong way

Not at all. :) I would probably have the same question if I didn’t already understand. There are many sins that don’t seem like they hurt others, such as idolizing people like celebrities, giving in to temptation by eating foods you know you shouldn’t be eating especially when you prayed to God to make you healthier, secretly judging people, putting aside God’s convictions (ignoring that still voice that speaks His truth), smoking pot for recreational purposes even though you’re doing it in the privacy of your own home, habitually swearing even if it’s just around people who most likely have the same habit, procrastinating, masturbating, watching porn, the list goes on…

What all these sins have in common and more including the ones that hurt people is that there’s zero obedience. There’s a lack of discipline, there is no self-control. These sins are a result of giving in to the flesh, living in your own terms, pleasing your own nature, and basically choosing what you want and not what God wants for you. This world is sinful but God knew we needed grace, that’s why He sent His Son, Jesus. By accepting Christ as our Savior, we also accept discipline into our lives. But people forget that. They think it’s a one and done deal, that if you accept Christ or get baptized, you have a guaranteed spot in heaven, which is religious thinking. And they go on living as they please, basically wasting His grace. The awesome thing about growing in Christ is over the years you mature. Christian or not we will continue to sin until we die. In this case the difference between a mature Christian and a new Christian or someone who is not Christian at all is the mature Christian should sin relatively less, which means they’ll also receive more blessings from God. If they still sin as much as they did in the past before they gave their life to Christ, then either they are probably lukewarm Christians or they gave up altogether and are content with their old ways. They have become stagnant in their spiritual walk, the vision they once had and were passionate about serving the LORD is no longer as clear as before. Their purpose is blurred, so they go on to find happiness in the wrong things, from materialistic things, to drugs, to  relationships, to work….We forget that accepting Christ is everyday, which means we need discipline everyday. Discipline comes from the word disciple. A follower and believer of Christ must practice it everyday if they are truly disciples of His.  

I had a potential to be gay. I kid you not. If I didn’t discipline myself to stop certain thoughts and stop entertaining myself with the possibility then I would’ve continued pleasing the flesh, and would’ve eventually identified as bisexual or lesbian. But because of the positive influence I was around growing up, from church, youth group, summer camps and winter camps, the Christian club I had in my school, and just being around other Christians who didn’t necessarily have a one on one talk with me, but what I learned was ingrained in my head as wisdom. Even though I didn’t have a day to day relationship with God, I had enough positive reinforcement to listen carefully to my convictions and obey Him. Had I not, I would’ve continued to be mesmerized with the idea of same-sex relationships, I would’ve delved deeper into the possibilities by exploring my alter-ego. I wouldn’t know about the importance of humility and I would’ve continued to be proud. It is actually a sin to be proud (Proverbs 16:5).

If anyone calls themselves Christian but choose to believe they have this side that is uncontrollable, that is not of God. Recognize its desire to be independent and free, don’t continually feed it’s wants. Starve it. It is not of God. Once a person is sold to God, they become a bondservant of Christ; they have accepted that they are identified with Christ, and there is no such thing as a second self in you as a whole. There is the life of Christ in you, but when you identify with Him, you become one with God. I believe the acceptance of a second self, an alter-ego, is where developed personality disorders come from. The more a person is identified with things, ideas, persons, and not solely on God, the more anxiety welcomes itself into their life. If you are a Christian, it means you acknowledge and agree as being one with God. You must strive to have the characteristics of Christ, to love like Him and think like Him. Period. He was sent to serve as the greatest example for all humans. Daily, each person must put to death their old selves along with their sins through surrender and be resurrected and reborn with the Holy Spirit, the Spirit of God. 

Personality type tests, astrology/zodiac signs, opinions of others you have made become your reality….anything that you have ever believed in about who you are without truth from the Bible has the potential to divide your heart and soul. But identifying yourself with Christ alone and not the things of this world assures you that He will protect your integrity, where you remain whole and complete in God. The more a person entertains said truths about themselves apart from what God says about them in the Bible, is essentially a way of worship. Whatever has a higher importance than God to you (anything that doesn’t have Him as the purpose behind your intentions), by entertaining those thoughts, they become your god. Pay attention and make sure you are worshipping God and not other gods. In homosexuality’s case, it is the desires that come with it that are put before God, which makes them a slave to themselves and the rest of the world. There is no obedience there when it comes to honoring Him with the mind and body they were given. Christian homosexuality hurts families and loved ones, it hurts the life of Christ inside them when they allow their minds and bodies to be enticed in such a way. There’s gay porn and that hurts people, but we don’t hear about it. It may even tear heterosexual relationships apart. It hurts the soul of the one who identifies themselves as gay and proud. God has so much better for them if they just surrender and obey. Our lack of obedience leads to more sins, which bites us in the butt sooner or later. He wants our obedience no matter what, wether you’re gay or not because there is a lot of evil in this world, and He only wants what’s best for us. We don’t even know what’s best for us a lot of the times, but our Creator does. I believe that discipline leads to obedience, and obedience to trusting God more, and trust to more faith, and more faith to more peace and joy, to more wisdom/growth/maturity.

I remember listening to a guest speaker on Focus On The Family. I forgot her name, but her story was really interesting. She said since the day she could remember, she has always had an attraction towards the same sex and didn’t understand it, but knew it was wrong. I forget if she ever had relations with other women, but anyway, she started going to church after she was invited by a friend…she felt so welcomed and no one condemned or judged her. She made genuine friends who became her prayer partners, and eventually her relationship with God led her to have stronger convictions, and although it was a long process, one day it became clear to her that she no longer had these gay thoughts and feelings. She felt a joy and peace she had never encountered before. She started dating Christian men, and now she and her man are happily married. There are more true stories like this that we don’t hear about. Often we think it’s impossible to convert anyone from gay to straight. That’s true because it’s not our job. Only God has the power to do that. But imagine if the Christians she got to know judged her or easily gave up on her?…she would not have changed her sexual identity, but more importantly she would not have truly gotten to know Jesus Christ, her Savior, and she would not have completely identified her life to His. Check out these posts Homosexuality: Real Hope and Real Change. Thank you! I hope this helped. God bless! :)

James 4:12 There is only one Lawgiver and Judge, the one who is able to save and destroy. But you—who are you to judge your neighbor?

1 Timothy 1:8-11 We know that the law is good if one uses it properly. We also know that the law is made not for the righteous but for lawbreakers and rebels, the ungodly and sinful, the unholy and irreligious, for those who kill their fathers or mothers, for murderers, for the sexually immoral, for those practicing homosexuality, for slave traders and liars and perjurers—and for whatever else is contrary to the sound doctrine that conforms to the gospel concerning the glory of the blessed God, which he entrusted to me.

1 Corinthians 6:9-11 Or do you not know that wrongdoers will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor men who have sex with men nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. And that is what some of you were. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.

Proverbs 11:2 The LORD Almighty planned it, to bring down her pride in all her splendor and to humble all who are renowned on the earth.

James 4:6 But He gives us more grace. That is why Scripture says: “God opposes the proud but shows favor to the humble.”

Philippians 2:1-2 So if there is any encouragement in Christ, any comfort from love, any participation in the Spirit, any affection and sympathy, complete my joy by being of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind.

Philippians Chapter 2 - Imitating Christ’s Humility

By His Grace, Sheela (Via godfirstgodalways)