#...no this isn't solely about trans men* and no this isn't saying that only trans men* are affected by this...

[uncanny-tranny]

In political spheres, I so often want to ask, "is what you're doing 'punching up,' or are they just an easily-available, acceptable target?"

[olderthannetfic]

Alright, this is gonna be long: people don't hate "TMA/TME" because "they're terms coined by trans women," people hate TMA/TME because:

1. despite the insistence that "TME" refers to cis men, cis women, and transmascs, in practice, many, many people use it solely to refer to transmascs. An example: A tweet I saw that said "TMEs might have less rep than transfems, but it's always better rep." If it were true "TME" actually refers to cis people AND transmascs, it would make no sense at all to say "TMEs have less rep than transfems." It's obviously not the case that cis people have LESS rep than transfems. The OP of the tweet obviously was referring to transmascs when they said "TMEs."

2. "TMA/TME doesn't require people to reveal their AGAB, it can refer to cis people and transmascs" isn't actually always true, because if someone ids as trans or nb, labelling themselves as either TMA or TME automatically reveals their AGAB.

If I say I'm trans and TMA, you know I'm transfem and therefore AMAB. If I say I'm trans and TME, you know I'm transmasc and therefore AFAB. If I say I'm nb and TMA, you know I'm AMAB. If I say I'm nb and TME, you know I'm AFAB.

Some people wanna discuss being trans without necessarily disclosing their AGAB, particularly if they're nb, because even within trans circles, revealing your AGAB as an nb person automatically results in people making assumptions about you and your appearance, experiences, oppression, etc. So it's true that merely stating "I'm TME" could mean you're a cis man, cis woman, or transmasc, but that's not always true.

3. Transfems aren't actually the only ones that experience transmisogyny. I know, I know, that sounds insane to a lot of people, but the fact is, the idea that AGAB is a reliable determining factor in what sort of oppression you face relies on the inherently transphobic assumption that cis people are in fact always capable of differentiating between butch cis women, intersex people, transmascs on T, and trans women.

You know when cis people say "we can always tell" and every trans person responds "no the fuck you can't?" If cis people CAN'T "always tell," then obviously transmascs are also capable of being affected by transmisogyny. Can the average cis person ACTUALLY differentiate between a cis woman with PCOS, a femme transmasc on T, and a trans woman routinely enough for you to categorically deny that the cis woman with PCOS and the femme transmasc on T experience transmisogyny? As if cis women of color and intersex CAFAB people aren't CONSTANTLY "transvestigated?"

You might say "well, it CAN happen, but it's MISDIRECTED, therefore it doesn't count" - no, it's not misdirected. Bigots don't ACTUALLY care if the person they're terrorising is a trans woman or not. They're not going to stop and apologise when you say "oh, sorry, but I'm not actually a trans woman!" Even if it WAS misdirected, it still results in discrimination and violence! Misdirected violence is still violence! You might also say "well, you can just prove you're not a trans woman!" but that's not true. Transphobes STILL believe Imane Khelif is a trans woman despite it being definitively proven she's not.

The crux of this matter, IMO, is that we all need to stop viewing privilege - whether that's male privilege or cis privilege - as an immutable fact of nature, that you have merely by fact of being a man or being cis, and rather start viewing privilege as a category that you can either be allowed or denied access to. Via this lens, it makes a lot more sense how a trans man can be a man without being granted access to male privilege (because male privilege is not immutable and innate to all men, but a category that the men with the most structural power (ie cis men) must allow you to access, which is highly conditional), or how a cis woman can lose access to cis privilege due to being a woman of color, being intersex, or merely just having a defined jawline or upper lip hair.

Lastly, 4. Highly related to point 3, the TMA/TME lens completely erases intersex people. I've basically already explained why, but it's possible to be CAFAB and be born with male sex characteristics. Identifying and presenting as a woman, in this context, gets you clocked as trans, despite being CAFAB. You can say "well, these are rare cases, so they don't count" but that's what everyone says about intersex people - "oh, well, the existence of intersex people doesn't refute my belief that there are only two sexes, because they're so rare!" Intersex people count.

Trans women aren't exempt from criticism because they're trans women. Being a trans woman doesn't automatically render you an expert on gender theory. People aren't frustrated that trans women are inventing terminology to discuss their experiences - they're frustrated that the terminology that has been invented denies the experiences of other people. When you categorically deny that any transmasc could ever experience transmisogyny, despite transmascs insisting to you that's not true, when you accuse these transmascs of being deluded or liars or too privileged to be trusted*, it stops being merely about your right to discuss your own experiences. You are an expert on your own experiences - not the experiences of others.

*I know original anon did not accuse transmascs of any of this - but many proponents of the TMA/TME lens do and do frequently.

I'll leave you all with this: What DO transfems stand to lose by conceding that their oppression isn't inherently unique? It's not that I don't believe transfems are the main victims of transmisogyny - I do. The statistics on discrimination and violence, in most cases, point to trans women being at a particular disadvantage. But I also believe it's good and healthy to stop for a second and ponder: if transmascs DID actually have it "just as bad" as transfems, what would that mean for transfems? Why would that be a threatening idea? Are you afraid of transfems losing community? Resources? Are you afraid that, if transfems' oppression isn't Always The Worst Ever, it stops mattering at all? That the suffering of transmascs in some way minimises the suffering of transfems?

I'm not revealing whether I'm cis or trans, transfem or transmasc. If you'd agree with me if I were transfem, you'd agree with me if I were transmasc. If you'd disagree with me if I were transmasc, you'd disagree with me if I were transfem.

--

[doberbutts]

I can't understand the idea that someone outside of an oppressed group cannot be victims of violence towards that oppressed group. That anon you deleted, the one who got mad and went "so cis people can experience transphobia!?!" Have you not read the news lately? What? What is happening to Imane Khalif right now? When you are past some arbitrary "acceptable range" of looks, behavior, etc., you become a target. As a cis woman who grew up in a conservative area, having "boyish interests" was enough for me to be subject to slurs and abuse. And it stuck around past that, because I have a small chest and broad shoulders, a long face. Whatever. Systems of oppression effect everyone under them because they all rely on "passing". You are required to reach a bar and to look and perform in certain ways and that bar is ever changing.

Well, that's why when someone was in my replies being upset that I asked how Khelif could be considered TME when transmisogyny was actively happening to her, one of the things I responded to said person was:

I don't understand how discussion the widespread effect of a systemic form of oppression and how it affects other things or is used as a weapon in other things, at all damages or erases the conversation that said systemic form of oppression is a problem. If anything, it's spreading further awareness.

I understand if the concern is that not enough people are caring about the trans women to whom transmisogyny happens on a regular basis, and are instead only ever caring about non trans fems and their relationship with being on the receiving end of transmisogyny. That is a problem, and it's one that does need to be talked about more often.

However I don't think any other form of oppression is specifically locked to only the people who identify as that oppressed demographic. Men experience misogyny. White people experience racism. Abled people experience ableism. "You throw like a girl" "you're not my daughter if you marry that black man" "what are you, deaf?" these are all things that are experienced by the "wrong" demographic, because in truth? The demographic doesn't matter.

These are systems we're talking about- the system of misogyny is what leads boys who fail to be masculine enough to be compared to girls as a way to state they are inferior, because the point is that with the system of misogyny, girls are inherently inferior to boys. Therefore, calling a boy a girl is calling him weaker, lesser, and not good enough.

The system of racism is what leads white parents to disown their children if their children date outside of their race. The point is that under the system of racism, interracial dating is seen as an aberration, and these racist parents then reject their own children for daring to love someone who is not white.

The system of ableism is what leads people to make comparisons to disability when bringing up someone's shortcomings. Disabled people are largely seen as failures in abled society, so by pointing to disability whenever faced with what is perceived as inadequacy, the system of ableism operates to continue to associate being disabled with worthlessness, and being abled with having worth.

Hell, it was not that long ago that "gay" and "retarded" were used as synonyms for "bad" and "stupid". Some people still use these words that way. It was a fucking Rick and Morty joke a few years ago, this isn't ancient history.

So when I'm told that I don't experience a system of oppression based solely on my labeled demographic and not on my actual lived experience, my immediate first thought is "that's not how systems of oppression work, literally everyone experiences these things in different ways, because that's what is meant when we call something systemic, it means the entire fucking system is built around this as a crux of logic"

Which is very weird to me then when someone tells me that by saying Khelif is/was experiencing transmisogyny, I'm erasing trans women. How? I genuinely don't understand how that's possible when I'm saying that the explicit hatred and fear of the trans woman boogeyman is what led us here in the first place. I am saying "this comes directly from people pushing transmisogynistic rulings for years and was always going to be the end result when they finally excluded all the actual trans women". I'm saying "it was bad logic when applied to trans women and it's bad logic even now, being applied to a [self-identified] perisex cisgender 'biological' woman and we should have put our foot down about it years ago when trans women and intersex women were actually competing".

Transmisogyny is a system of oppression. The system is functioning normally even when it fires at targets it's "not supposed to". That's what happens under systemic oppression. That's a feature, not a bug.

[intersexcat-tboy]

hello! this question may come off as ignorant and i apologise, but what's wrong with the terms tme and tma? i know what it means but i dont really understand the (for lack of a better word) issue with these terms.

i looked it up and it didn't really help me all that much :<

I could've sworn I had several posts tagged w it explaining a few reasons why but now there's only 2? 🤔

Here's a starter (link)

There are a few reasons, on their own it's whatever ig, but it relies on the assumption oppression is based solely on identity and not ever considering how your oppressors see you. There isn't a "ableism immune" or "homophobia immune" bc we understand hate crimes are based on PERCEIVED or actual status, not just actual. What's happening to Imane Khelif is being called transmisogyny everywhere, so clearly it's not limited to just transfems, but many will then turn around and say those who were AFAB can't experience it. Some have discussed using "targeted" to convey how it's disproportionately faced rather than arguing how people are incapable of facing it, and I understand that argument better but....

One of the big things is the issue of how people use them. I wouldn't have an issue at all if they were solely personal descriptors, similar to AGAB, to describe your own experience. Instead, people use them to deny violence and oppression. People thinking they get to determine others experiences.

On another side, it's basically used as the Top Misery Award and The Mild Expierence. If you're TMA, it's treated as facing the most or worst oppression, if you're TME, are you really oppressed? Actually, you're privileged (not HAVE a privilege, ARE privileged). This aligns with white feminism believing misogyny is the root or worst oppression.

Most of the people who use it tend to think trans men don't have their own type of oppression faced disproportionately, oftentimes erasing that violence as well. A lot outright deny intersexism and refuse to engage with any points made by intersex individuals about how it affects us as well.

Then there's the whole aspect of how it's "supposed" to mean everyone but transfems (which is kinda a weird thing to want a word for when calling similar ones co-opting), but they only ever use it to mean trans people who were AFAB. You can tell this by how things are said (tme being used for intercommunity), or something like "TRANS TMEs since I guess I have to say that to make it clear 🙄"

There's also the fact everyone defines it differently. Some way you need to have been born w a penis, others say you need to have been AMAB, which contradict each other as someone who was AFAB could have been born w a penis, and some people have multiple AGABs (such as at birth and then a few weeks later)

If you only use it to describe yourself, idrc

[purpledemonlilyposting]

Lily is making throwaways to talk to herself now cause she's too afraid to turn anons back on.

[Lily's post]

There are so many golden nuggets in here. Since these are both most likely Lily lets look at a few!

Lily's media takes are beyond just bad, she asserts that the creators of children's cartoons are dangerous extremists for perceived bad messaging in their works that Lily just makes up.

Even without that Lily's takes on symbolism, metaphor, and just basic narrative structure are worth examining because they are some of the most bizarre and ignorant many of us have ever encountered.

But no one "orients their life around you", Lily. It just feels that way because you sit in your subsidized apartment on the internet all day ordering Door Dash from a Subway you could easily walk to. I'd say get some sun but you'd probably turn to ash like a vampire.

As for me? I do something you're incapable of: putting on a show.

No one cares you're trans, Lily. Get over it. Plenty of trans people exist in online nerd culture. You can't hide from the consequences of your own words and actions by using your demographic as shield.

Pfft. They could try. Go ahead. Make videos about me. Hell, Lily, unlike you I don't even hold or delete comments. The little anklebiters who like to lecture me in my comment section don't seem to realize I'm the one allowing them to be there expressing their stupid ignorant opinions because that aligns with my principles.

Lily doesn't make a video about me because she knows I'd just react to and laugh at it. And with any luck YouTube has taken her ability to copyright strike away because she's used it maliciously 9 times.

Also retard. Just say retard, Lily. Not "tradigrade" not "child left behind" not "fetal alcohol syndrome". Just say retard.

You clearly want to. And are bitter you can't because of the insular audience you've cultivated.

This is how I know it's you because only Lily Orchard could be upset I criticized the bland Antarctica anime for being a bland Antarctica anime the sole focus of which is to get 4 teenage moeblobs on a big technical ship. Which is written by a middle aged man who does nothing but moeblob shows and directed by a woman who does nothing but moeblob shows. They both worked on No Game No Life, Lily. You know. This:

The one with the 11 year old loli in love with her step brother. Actually Lily it sounds right up your alley. You should watch it next.

Antarctica show is so full of so many plot contrivances. Why does Shirase just carry her wad of Antarctica cash everywhere and dropped it so carelessly? It's sure convenient that her and Kimari just happen to go to the same school and Kimari happens to hear her loudly wailing about the money in the bathroom. How does Hinata, a 16 year old high school drop out who works in a convenience store think she can even hope to afford this trip? Where are her parents in this anyway? We never see them.

The girls only get on the trip in the first place because another girl who is a child star vlogger just happens to be also going and just happens to contact them wanting them to go in her stead. And after making friends with them she tells her mother that she won't go without the other 3 girls but... the rest of the expedition that adamantly refused to let them on before just suddenly agrees to take them? Because this one minor celebrity and her manager mom who isn't even going said so? Takako only wanted to go to Antarctica because it just sounded neat, she's not an artic researcher, or engineer, or anything that would justify her being out there (a woman in STEM? Perish the thought says 50 year old Jukki Hanada I guess) and she died out in a blizzard trying to get a laptop to email her daughter who she has now left motherless for no good reason. And this is only ever treated as heartwarming and not idiotic.

Face it Lily. The entire show exists just to get 4 teenage girls on a big ship so otaku men can enjoy both brainless moeblobs and technical ship porn. The show sure likes to emphasize over and over how the girls are joshi kosei too. Why couldn't the show have been about the trip of the adult women (who incidentally also act like brainless teenage girls in the show)?

Yeah you guys aren't winning against me on Utena lol. Here, have my post where I have the video walking people through the episode itself. If you want to ignore the actual text of the series in order to appear morally forthright that's your own problem:

And everyone on the bus clapped, and that Asian woman's name? Albert Einstein. What does this have to do with anything except poisoning the well by linking this unsourced incident in peoples' minds to Ant and I?

Also it's Twitter. So Twitter is bad and unreasonable here, but they're not bad and unreasonable when they're squawking at me over a classic anime they've never even watched. Or squawking at Ant cause "L-L-Lily is totes a Native trans woman?? So you can't criticize any of the batshittery that spews constantly from her face hole??"

Ah now we're on to Lily's response to herself.

Oh look out Ant, Lily's got damning screenshots she just can't show anybody right now.

Probably similar to when she happily accepted a screenshot from Poppy of Poppy being creepy to Courtney and tried to blame Courtney for it.

Lily you attract attention when people talk about you because the wider nerdy internet knows your takes are insanely bad. And they know your takes are all tangled up in your personal dramas and heinous actions. They can tell. You're not as subtle as you think you are.

I cut together my response to your bad Utena takes in your 2023 Steven Universe video on a whim and slapped it on my completely unestablished personal YouTube account. It got 5k views in a few days. That's how disliked you are.

Nobody knows who I am but you sure copyright struck 4 of my livestream VODs trying to take my channel down. The 4 VODs where I most talk about your blatantly obvious incest fetish at that. Nobody knows who I am but I've gained 10k subs in 6 months primarily from dunking on you. Because I'm better at YouTube than you are.

And people do bitch at me for saying retard constantly. And you know why I keep doing it? Because the ones who most often tell me not to are some of the most annoying, entitled, self-righteous, puritanical control freaks and it's an easy way to weed them out.

By the way have fun trying to find a lawyer within 10 days who will tell you "Why yes, Lily, you can absolutely copyright these videos of yours full of footage that belong to Viacom, Netflix, Amazon, Toei Animation, Dreamworks, Activision-Blizzard, and many more!"

[sualne]

i kind of want to ramble a bit about being underweight and the way people treated me changed as i socially transitioned and aged.

for quick context i was literally born underweight, i'd been starving to death in the womb and needed to get out early, a doctor even said it was too late, that i was already dead, that was not the case.

anyway for as long as i remember people would always comment on how thin i was, as a kid it didn't mean much but approaching puberty the "you need to eat more" turned into "people would kill to have a body like yours" comments about having a wasp waist among more disturbing ones, i socially transitioned as 16, i was getting those comment at 12. i still got remarks about how i should gain weight but it was always accompanied by this "but not too much, you need to stay thin, thin is good." sentiment so gaining weight was never truly seen as an actual emergency, something that should actually happen, it was more of a reflex sort of comment, people didn't mean it too seriously.

that changed when people started seeing me as a man, suddenly i was not so thin and fragile, so feminine and pretty i was visibly weak and unmanly and that pisses the shit out of other (older) men. now people really meant it when they say i should gain weight but unlike before that vaguely "i'm worried for your health (but you look much better like this anyway so don't change it)" sentiment disappeared, it was all about performing masculinity properly, about becoming a muscular big strong manly man. you see it all the time, thinness being associated with femininity, even trans people who should know better keeps on going "wow so gender" to people who are only just being thin and otherwise pretty damn conforming. obviously a lot of this depends where you live.

now this also the moment i need to mention thinphobia isn't a thing, people don't actually care about the fact that you're thin, it's about failing to meet gender role's standards and looking visibly sick which get people Really uncomfortable, they don't want to be reminded disabled & chronically ill people exist. fatphobia is genuinely and purely about hating the fact that fat people exist, they don't actually give the slightest shit about possible health issues they're just dipshits, those are excuses to pretend it's justified so they can feel better about themselves, it's also systemic and get people killed all the time. doctor might tell me gaining some weight couldn't do me any bad but they've never insisted it was the sole and only reason for every single one of my issues, they usually don't even mention it all.

i don't have a point or conclusion for this.

[transbookoftheday]

🏳️‍⚧️🏴‍☠️ Trans Books To Read If You Love "Our Flag Means Death" 🏴‍☠️🏳️‍⚧️

Can't get enough of Our Flag Means Death? Read some trans pirate books!

On Mar León de la Rosa's sixteenth birthday, el Diablo comes calling. Mar is a transmasculine nonbinary teen pirate hiding a magical ability to manipulate fire and ice. But their magic isn't enough to reverse a wicked bargain made by their father, and now el Diablo has come to collect his payment: the soul of Mar's father and the entire crew of their ship. When Mar is miraculously rescued by the sole remaining pirate crew in the Caribbean, el Diablo returns to give them a choice: give up their soul to save their father by the harvest moon, or never see him again. The task is impossible - Mar refuses to make a bargain, and there's no way their magic is a match for el Diablo. Then Mar finds the most unlikely allies: Bas, an infuriatingly arrogant and handsome pirate - and the captain's son; and Dami, a gender-fluid demonio whose motives are never quite clear. For the first time in their life, Mar may have the courage to use their magic. It could be their only redemption - or it could mean certain death.

(The audiobook for "The Wicked Bargain" is narrated by Vico Ortiz!)

In a world divided by colonialism and threaded with magic, a desperate orphan turned pirate and a rebellious imperial lady find a connection on the high seas. Aboard the pirate ship Dove, Flora the girl takes on the identity of Florian the man to earn the respect and protection of the crew. For Flora, former starving urchin, the brutal life of a pirate is about survival: don’t trust, don’t stick out, and don’t feel. But on this voyage, Flora is drawn to the Lady Evelyn Hasegawa, who is headed to an arranged marriage she dreads. Flora doesn’t expect to be taken under Evelyn’s wing, and Evelyn doesn’t expect to find such a deep bond with the pirate Florian. Neither expects to fall in love. Soon the unlikely pair set in motion a wild escape that will free a captured mermaid (coveted for her blood) and involve the mysterious Pirate Supreme, an opportunistic witch, double agents, and the all-encompassing Sea herself. Deftly entwining swashbuckling action and quiet magic, Maggie Tokuda-Hall’s inventive debut novel conjures a diverse cast of characters seeking mastery over their fates while searching for answers to big questions about identity, power, and love.

The Lost Boys say that Peter Pan went back to England because of Wendy Darling, but Wendy is just an old life he left behind. Neverland is his real home. So when Peter returns to it after ten years in the real world, he's surprised to find a Neverland that no longer seems to need him. The only person who truly missed Peter is Captain James Hook, who is delighted to have his old rival back. But when a new war ignites between the Lost Boys and Hook's pirates, the ensuing bloodshed becomes all too real - and Peter's rivalry with Hook starts to blur into something far more complicated, sensual, and deadly.

In the Christian Republic, homosexual people are given two choices—a camp to "fix" them, or exile to the distant islands populated by lesbians and gay men. Sixteen-year-old Jason chooses exile and expects a hardscrabble life but instead finds a thriving, supportive community. While exploring his identity as a transgender boy he also discovers adventure: kraken attacks, naval battles, a flying island built by asexual people, and a daring escape involving glow-in-the-dark paint. He also has a desperate crush on Sky, a spirited buccaneer girl, but fear keeps him from expressing his feelings. When Jason and his companions discover the Republicans are planning a war of extermination, they rally the people of the Rainbow Islands to fight back. Shy, bookish Jason will have to find his inner courage or everything and everyone he loves will be lost forever.

Book titles:

The Wicked Bargain by Gabe Cole Novoa

The Mermaid, the Witch, and the Sea by Maggie Tokuda-Hall

Peter Darling by Austin Chant

Rainbow Islands by Devin Harnois

[roachliquid]

Made a post a few years ago where I stated I wouldn't be using the term 'transandrophobia', and I would let y'all know when I found a term I deemed more appropriate. I figure it's time I followed up on that. Not just on whether I've found a term I prefer, but on my feelings about the term 'transandrophobia' in general, because they've evolved a lot recently.

At the time, the reason I decided to drop the term was because I'd learned it was upsetting to certain people who had received racist treatment at the hands of some of the term's early adopters. That wasn't the sole reason - it was part of a broader picture where I was just getting into thinking about trans men's oppression, and I was desperately scrabbling around for any word to describe those issues. Which meant I never gained a very nuanced understanding of the term, which in turn made it easy to drop.

Recently, I've gotten back into reading up about these issues, and developed a much better idea of what kind of theory is behind these discussions. With that in mind, I've reached a few conclusions:

1: "Some of the people who use this term are racist" was a bad reason to stop using it. It'd be one thing if we had plenty of reasonable, freely-available alternatives available, but that has never been the case in this situation; furthermore, the term was itself coined by a nonwhite man, whose identity isn't magically irrelevant because of someone else's racism.

2: Part of the reason I dropped it was because I was scared of losing favor with people I saw as reasonable. In hindsight, they weren't, and the only reason I thought otherwise was because I had internalized a good amount of anti-transmasculine ideas. I'm doing better now.

3: Most of the arguments of the term "transandrophobia" are BS:

"It implies that misandry is real!" Except it doesn't say 'misandry' anywhere. Anyone saying this is just recycling the argument against "transmisandry" as if it's the same exact word and expecting you to play along.

"It's ableist because it uses -phobia!" We went through this discourse with "homophobia" over a decade ago. It's a semantic distraction that demands we take a suffix literally when we already have precedent to understand that it's figurative. Plant behavior.

"It implies that trans women have privilege!" This is only true if you assume gendered oppression is a zero-sum game of two sides, which shockingly, is not a notion that the majority of trans people have accepted.

4: With that being said, "transandrophobia" not the term I'm going to prefer going forward.

The primary reason for that is because, per the person who coined it, transandrophobia refers specifically to the way that trans men and mascs' perceived manhood is abused to further our victimhood. While this is obviously an incredibly important problem to highlight, not all of the issues I want to talk about fall under that umbrella. For that, I find that the term "anti-transmasculinity" is more applicable.

The secondary reason is because, as has been pointed out, the "andro-" part of the word does suggest that it's talking about trans men specifically - and while I do think there's room to interpret it less literally, I've already got a more inclusive term available.

So, what's the summation of all this? IDK, I think "transandrophobia" is an imperfect term, but one thing I've come to believe over the years is that you can't demand people stop talking about their oppression just because the language isn't perfect. I do think there are better options, but I'm not going to begrudge anyone who does use it, because most of us are just doing our best to talk about our problems in the face of an Orwellian silence.

(Edited to clarify a couple of things.)

[risa-desktop]

Don't harass anybody on the internet, their disagreeable takes are promptly ignorable if a concrete criticism not due. That being said, this person doesn't seem particularly transphobic, but the words they say enable transphobic behavior, and while I can make the point that it is just as bad as transphobia (ignorance) the fact that they're willing to take a characteristic portrayal of a transphobe's words seriously as if they had a valid point is bordering on xenophobic sympathy.

Giving transphobes the time of day to spread as much ignorance as possible legitimizes their bigotry as valid critique of how sports are handled, despite said bigotry. People like Serena Williams were slandered as "too muscular" to play tennis with other women, with some targeting her blackness as the source of it, stemming from racism, and some others going so far as to portray her as some disgusting monster in distasteful portrayals of her in 'art.' Williams is not trans, and that fact shows how far bigots will go to make competition more important than community, and the competition will spark outrage if someone who isn't a cis, white man or woman and winning against cis, white men or women. This person goes so far as to site articles that document performance differences between men and women, but fails to take account that they're playing into those bigot's hands.

Moon Girl & Devil Dinosaur makes it a point in many, many, MANY of its episodes that the competition of a game or sport, and the difference between victory and failure is irrelevant compared to the game itself and they fun and community it can bring. This person, clearly, did not care for that theme. They also make reference to The Proud Family's old episode about Penny competing in her school's football out of the sheer enjoyment of it, but they fail to mention how in both of these children's shows, that winning and competition was not a primary theme, and that inclusion is only beneficial to a sport, regardless of a specific competitor's capabilities. Siting studies that conclude testosterone promotes muscle growth renders itself moot, because transfem HRT essentially reverses that fact, and if you care so much about competition, you would state that and promote trans child affirming care, but you don't.

Once again, I don't think this person is transphobic, but misguided and frankly, giving too much credit to those who seek to exclude trans people from any community-based event at all. They also argue that coach Greer has any semblance of a point insisting girls games are girls games, and excluding Brooklyn is only fair, blatantly ignoring BROOKLYN IS A GIRL TOO! Truff casually misgenders Brook by agreeing with Greer's (while not explicitly said) very loud misgendering of Brook (not to mention, Truff explicitly misgenders Brook 4/5 into the video, after casually downplaying her suffering with several jokes. Then implying the episode should have been about Greer's daughter feeling unsafe about Brooklyn's presence in the game at all.) They frustratedly say Greer is a reasonable person made to look bad, but missing the point that winning a competition is solely an outcome of a game and shouldn't be as important as the fun and spectacle of the game itself. The episode ends just after the volleyball game starts, because the point is that everybody should be allowed to have fun, and coach Greer cares only about winning, and makes the game (rather, lack thereof) unfun for everybody who wants to play, because she wants to win by default.

(ONCE AGAIN!!! DO NOT HARASS ANYBODY ON THE INTERNET!!!)

[qweerhet]

I think it’s because people have often used ‘TERFs hate men’ as a way to implicate trans women as men or argue that TERFs focus primarily on men and not trans women, so people are sort of trying not to do that, plus the fact that TERFs do the most damage towards trans women. In my opinion, I do think TERFs hate men but trans women are A. minorities and B. radical feminism often manifests by just trying to sex segregate as much as possible, so the people they don’t like way over ‘there’ are much less likely to be direct targets of vitriol and violence than the people messing up their dichotomy and trying to come over ‘here’

i agree with your basic analysis, but i stop short of the conclusion that radical feminism's targeting of trans women isn't fundamentally rooted in the way it analyzes men and manhood. many transfems are not men (some are, important to note when making broad generalizations about gender and feminism); radical feminism targeting transfems is targeting women (among tons and tons of other genders, transfem men included), however, the political ideology itself is premised on the idea that the groups it is targeting are solely made up of men, and it is positing an entire framework for how gender operates as an axis of oppression that casts these demographics as male.

like it is factually true that radical feminism's Transgender Problem flows directly from the fact that it perceives gender as the radix of oppression within a binary sex modality. it is patently garbage analysis because sex is not binary and gender is, in terms of societal forces, an abstract set of social conditions enforcing the constructed sex binary (rather than any material or ontological trait of individuals). radical feminism perceives trans women as dangerous, predatory, and a threat to cis women precisely because it perceives sex as a binary that is fundamentally immutable and unchanging. it wholly perceives anyone with an arbitrary number of primary and secondary sex characteristics as a man, on a level where "man" is a biological category that bodies themselves slot into. it's based on an understanding of patriarchy as a structure controlling the means of reproduction, and gender as solely a weapon with with which to maintain control over the means of reproduction (a lot of it is really just failed attempts at transplanting, unchanged, marxist analysis onto the concept of childbearing and its relationship to patriarchy).

i think it's important to keep your analysis grounded in this fact because, well--yes, radical feminism explicitly targets transfems and is a massive source of violence toward transfems in particular and trans people overall, but laser-focusing in on only how it interfaces with transness--particularly to the degree of arguing that it only targets trans women, and doesn't have anything in particular to say about men, because it does not categorize transfems as men within its ideology but rather as super-abusable women that are only misgendered for the purpose of manipulation and extortion--that throws out an entire section of analysis that's. genuinely important to how it affects the material world. like, radical feminism's framing of men and manhood directs a significant amount of violence toward intersex people, for example, and casting sex as an immutable binary category is the entire basis for that violence. if it didn't analyze sex as an immutable binary in which men are cast as owners of the means of reproduction by virtue of their unchanging sex characteristics, that would not have the same interaction with intersexism. you can't accurately analyze the political movement's fundamental intersexism without first understanding this.

[velvetvexations]

"a pre-op trans man physically cannot top without using a strap"

Sorry but skill issue lol. Topping isn't only about penises and straps. Plenty of people are fisting tops, for example (in fact, some trans men even have an "advantage" at it by having smaller hands).

It's not for everyone though, and there is definitely something to be said about the fact that unlike someone who can top with their penis, for a lot of pre-op trans male tops, most topping options they have access to tend to focus on the other person getting direct stimulation while you only get "indirect" pleasure (if any at all).

Having to wear a strap can be pretty dysphoria-inducing too. It can be a painful reminder that what you've got isn't "enough" to top with, that it's not part of your body, the whole process of having to carry it and put it on, its strong association with lesbians... It's really not for everyone either. I mean, people don't go around expecting trans women to bottom for others using these garments that are like, silicone panties with a prosthetic vagina / fleshlight in it and act like they've failed in some way as a sex partner if they don't want to wear it.

Honestly I feel that there's this expectation of transmasc tops, kinda like the "strong butch protector" stereotype, that it doesn't matter if they don't feel much physical pleasure topping because "their role" is to chivalrously sacrifice it to prioritize pleasuring their partner (usually women, since when they're "marketed" towards men it's mostly about being an "exotic bottom with convenient extra hole"). There's this emphasis about how they're "better than cis men", know how to give head to women, know where the clit is, their strap never goes limp... The focus is never on the transmasc person or their feelings, what could be affirming or dysphoric to them, how to be a good partner to them as well, no, it's all about how they're some queer-and-feminist-alternative-human-sex-toy-solely-designed-for-female-pleasure that you should "definitely try out".

(That's how they're treated in progressive/queer/feminist circles, because outside of it the usual position is basically "erm, what's the point of a man without a dick ? Dick is the only reason I put up with men ! How can you even top without a penis ? Sorry but I need real dick" and transmasc tops are pretty much seen as worthless lol)

I feel like "skill issue" is something I should disapprove of saying in this context, I'm unclear on how mean that is or isn't, only that I'm not sure I'm entirely comfortable not saying at least something about it.

Otherwise I'm not pissed at you or anything anon, just noting.

[rizzless-trans-guy]

Thinking about Transmasc Azula and how he would basically plan out every possible scenario when coming out.

Bug out bag at the ready, burner phone, tazer, etc.

Question. Assuming a modern AU fire family that is wholesome. How would Urzai react?

How would Zuko react?

oh man, personally I don't think I'll ever be able to view ozai as a good person, so like fire family as wholesome to me is still kind of not great. but obviously not as bad as canon.

first I think he would tell zuko, totally not because he trusts him more ofc, but because he has blackmail on dear ol zuzu to make sure he doesnt snitch if he doesn't take it well.

zuko wouldn't even learn about the blackmail cuz he would be pretty accepting right off the bat. like to him this would be one of the few times his sibling is actually opening up to him instead of just messing with him like usual. so he would think of it like a secret mission to help his brother get guy stuff, que a blue spirit type montage. he'd probably even see if he could get black market testosterone or something crazy like that before zoryn put a stop to it lol.

I think that zuko, seeing his brother seemingly trust him with something serious would start to open up more as well about his own issues. which initially zoryn would be like why are u talking to me 😐 but eventually they would become closer.

which is ofc all a part of zoryns plan, after all their parents would be more likely to agree to his transition if zuko was backing him up! well okay only ursa, but still. and if things went totally wrong, he could probably now manipulate zuko into running away with him/get him kicked out as well. if he's gonna be worried about potential homelessness then it'll be better to be accompanied.

but that's like last case scenario cuz hes been squirreling money away for a while now, plus it's always possible to play on zukos friends sympathy and stay with them. not his friends because they're too dignified to take in some street urchin.

now as for urzai. in my mind a more wholesome modern au ozai would be a horrific combo of toxic sports dad and pta mom. like yknow he has 2 kids and wants them both to be super good at sports, enrolls them both in a bunch of different sports when they're super little etc. but hes seriously pissed that his firstborn son shows more talent on a theater stage than for any type of sport that isn't badminton. ozai fucking hates badminton, he thinks it's just lame tennis. (badminton would be modern au dao swords for zuko.)

but his daughter is crazy good at all these sports so hes very happy about that at least and puts all his pressure on her while ursa dotes on zuko and shares his passion for theater.

he would also be on the pta solely to petition for more funding for the schools sports teams lol

so less toxic than canon but still that obvious favoritism from each parent leading to a divide between the siblings.

as for how they take it. ozai is very much a "LGBTQ is a bunch of hooey" type guy, but also he is not gonna look a gift horse in the mouth. hes finally getting his perfect sport loving son! so his reaction is to immediately try and get him on hormones and pull him out of school for like a couple months till he "looks more manly" in ozais words. that way they can pretend that zoryn is just a cousin or something (theyd say azula went to a different private school in like Sweden or something) that way no one knows about the trans thing since ozai wouldn't like that associated with him. and ofc get him onto all of the mens sports teams because that is the most important thing to ozai.

ursa is overall more progressive but she takes it less well in zoryns eyes. like shes trying to talk both ozai and zoryn down from "going too fast" cuz shes one of those people who isnt properly transphobic but the idea of their little girl becoming a hairy guy is like. really jarring yknow. this ofc makes zoryns mommy issues worse and makes him even more attached to ozai. which is bad.

so overall theyd take it fine, but it would be pretty bad for zoryn in a way to become even more attached to such a toxic parent.

[paletigers]

DAI and My Questions as a Trans Guy

So, I recently got into Dragon Age again (thanks @/fullgoob) and I've been sitting here with a thumb up my ass because I really would love to write a fanfic about Solas but I feel like I'm not there yet.

To any DAI fans, or DA fans in general, do we know how Elven and Dalish culture view trans people?

(Long thoughts ahead and very sleep deprived thoughts:)

We obviously only see transness through the lens of the Qun and Krem. (Only speaking to DAI, I haven't played the other games yet.) In the Qun, people are put into gender based on their role in society. In a conversation with Cassandra and Iron Bull, Iron bull states that women who are warriors are considered "men" under the Qun solely based on their role. He also sees Krem as a, for all intents and purposes, as a man not because of his role but because of who he is as a person and because he's just a great guy and cares (poor wording on my part, sorry). Now whether or not the Qun is "progressive" for this isn't what I'm curious about.

I'm curious on the rest of the party. We don't get to see or hear reactions of Krem's gender from anyone else besides Cassandra and Bull, but it's more about Qunari society and less about Krem, and Cassandra makes neither a positive nor negative remark.

So, to make a long story short and get to the point: How would Solas feel about a trans inquisitor? And adding onto that, how do the Dalish treat transgendered people/transexuals? Homosexuality is more "accepted" in Southern Thedas, but the Dalish are really keen on keeping tradition alive and passing down their lore, so I would assume that 'bonding' and child bearing is important one way or another. The acceptance of homosexuality would be on a case to case basis.

I really don't know how the Dalish would treat transgender people, however. I would assume that for the most part, as long as you are fufilling your duty (whether you are to be a keeper, hunter, mage, etc.) it wouldn't bare any issue. The issue of child bearing and keeping up the population and passing down the gift of magic would pose a question, but so would it in the case of homosexuality. I assume that as long as population numbers are steady and there is no active threats against this, trans people and gay people are fine. It would varey from clan to clan.

Now, Solas. I really can't get a read on this guy. I would like to believe he would be accepting (just cause I, unfortunately, love him) but I don't really have any justifications for this (I also don't have justifications for the opposite either, not trying to be negative, lol). Sera, from her point of view, sees the Lavellan/Solas relationship and says Solas probably shouts "Elven glory!" during sex, but that's just from her perspective as a City Elf with her biases towards the Dalish. The most I can gather from my single playthrough of DAI is that Solas would, probably, be super understanding about it. He doesn't have much connection to this world at all, much preferring the Fade, so maybe being transgender is just a new concept to him. Or, maybe it's completely normal, since spirits in the fade just... mimic the lives of mortals. Spirits are completely agender, just encompassing a specific purpose and fufilling that purpose, they have no use for the concept of gender. AND THEN... we know Solas is only straight because Bioware wanted to avoid a negative trope and have him not be bisexual. Because IF Solas lives with agender beings ALL THE TIME then why would he care if the Inquisitor is a woman or not?!

So, as I write this currently, I think I have come to a small conclusion:

I don't think he would "care" in a negative sense. I don't think he would be rude or crass, or even angry about the inquisitor coming out as trans. I don't even think that current canonical straight Solas would care if he was in a relationship with female Lavellan and Lavellan came out as a trans man to him. I think he would probably consider this natural and completely not "odd". Probably would say some shit about how in the fade, a lot of his spirit friends don't have gender either. I feel like he's a guy who just GETS it. He would probably have questions about like, the bodily process of transitioning (I still don't understand how the body magic works. Is it like magical HRT? Do they do like, magical T shots or rub magical T gel? Is there puberty blockers? Do you even have to do voice training? Someone please tell me) and would try his best to understand. If he got rid of your hand could he perform top surgery? Just like rift fade them off your body? Would you trust Solas to do your top surgery? I think I would.

Anyway. Let me know if we got any other opinions or stuff to add onto this. I really want to write some transguy fics with him because there is a SEVERE lack of them on AO3.

[genderkoolaid]

oh okay. so when you say "marginalized people classed as masculine/men (even temporarily) can have their gender weaponize against them especially by privileged people classed as feminine/women, so it's important to be aware of how sexism/genderism against men et al is used by systems of oppression" you clearly hate women and are an MRA. but if you say "tme" and "tma" it's actually completely different and good gender analysis. 👍

the point of the screenshotted post itself isn't bad, it's just. annoying seeing very similar conversations take place around privileged victimhood vs marginalized predatorhood & gender. but apparently we can only discuss that in the sole context of transmisogny, and we can't connect how this treatment is consistently applied to anyone who can be gendered as male or masculine. when it comes to transmisogny/anti-transfemininity, we're not even suggesting thats solely why it happens– but ALL trans* people can get this treatment because we are seen as having the worst traits of both genders as a way of punishing us, and when we need to be portrayed as predators, they rely on sexist/genderist beliefs about men/masculinity.

[our-transmasc-experiences]

my transmasc experience is. mostly good but there’s one aspect that bothers me.

i’m in a choir at my school, and in my hour of choir (there’s two other hours) i’m the only guy in there, trans or cis. all of the others are girls or nonbinary and there’s two in particular who are pretty open about their dislike for men and it’s just like. stop. maybe before i joined this was something seen as ‘normal’ in the choir but. now there is an actual man (me!) in the choir and trans or not it’s pretty fucking uncomfy to have to hear ‘i hate men’ and then get an awkward face in response when i say ‘did you forget i’m a man’

like. it’s just those two and specifically one of them but it’s just so fucking annoying. and everyone treats it as like. an okay thing! even our teacher!

ah geez, I'm sorry to hear that, anon!! it's so obnoxious when people say stuff like that, and it definitely sucks both as a trans guy and as someone who, y'know, has the basic decency not to make moral judgements about people based solely on gender!!

I feel like I leaned slightly into that mindset as a preteen, and what really snapped me out of it was realizing that my amazing, supportive dad, who l adore, is one of the "old white men" | claimed I hated so much. I don't know if you're looking to confront them on their creepiness, but if you are, a really easy way to make people reconsider, or at least get them thinking, is asking them if the sentiment extends to the men they're close to. Their dad? Their grandfather? Older male cousins, siblings, family friends, etc.? Hell, if their relationship with their family isn't great, even their friends' dads???

or, if you want, you can hit them with the "so what I'm hearing is you hate me?" whammy, which will hopefully force them to reconsider how they're perceiving and treating you!!

-Mod 🐾, sending support from one student to another!!

[my-castles-crumbling]

Anon Advice Asks - March 30

baby queer anon (new), personal anon, tempted anon, register anon (new), family dynamics anon

baby queer anon

Hi Cas, I was hoping to get your opinion on something? Tbh the fact that this is even a topic of debate is wild to me but idk😭 fair warning, this is long😅

What’s your honest opinion on Bisexuality?

I (She/Her) feel like i’m a baby queer (I’m over 21, but didn’t realize I like women until 2 years ago, and haven’t had the chance to do anything about it), and since I grew up in a very conservative area, i’m not that educated on LGBTQ+ matters.

So here’s the problem; I identify as bisexual, mostly because It just feels more right to me, but also because I don’t fully understand the nuances between that and Pan, and I feel more comfortable identifying as Bi. But I’ve been told, multiple times by multiple different people (mostly online, but some IRL too) that in being Bisexual, i’m inherently transphobic, because ‘bisexual people only like men and women, which excludes trans people’?

Idk to me, being bisexual I don’t care what ‘parts’ someone has, because i’m fine with either, and as far as I’m concerned, trans men ARE men, and trans women ARE women, regardless of where they are in their transition (even if they aren’t medically transitioning), and to me, the view of ‘only liking men and women discounts trans people’ seems like THAT is transphobic, bc that’s saying they’re neither? Obviously that could be the case for non binary people, but it just seems like a weird take to me.

Anyways, in your semi-professional opinion as Wise-Older-Sibling-and-Advice-Giver-To-All, do you think it’s transphobic to identify as bisexual, or do you think that this is some weird bullshit thing that people are making up?

P.S- I know that I could just say i’m queer, or ‘that I don’t label myself’ to avoid this, and that everyone says ‘you don’t need a label’, and I understand, and am so glad that works for some people, but as someone with severe medical trauma surrounding not getting a diagnosis (aka a label) for over half a decade and being treated like there was nothing wrong with me because of it, I take a lot of comfort in labels!

Thanks in advance, also if this is a sensitive topic i’m so sorry!

Oh wow. I'm not sure who's been saying this to you but it's definitely wrong.

So the definitions of pansexual and bisexual can be argued a bit, but my general definition is that bisexual means you like two or more genders, but you care about gender. SO for example, you may like girls and genderqueer people. Boys and girls. Boys and nonbinary people Boys, genderqueer, and nonbinary people. Everyone but boys. Whatever it is, it's a combination an gender is a factor. Pansexual means you are attracted to a person based on their personality and gender doesn't matter at all.

This isn't transphobic, imo, because it doesn't really matter if a person is trans...it matters what gender they are- cis or not. With this definition, it's not about the parts, it's about the gender.

(However, you are also well within your rights to be attracted to certain parts. That's not transphobic either and when people say it is, it's super harmful. Everyone has preferences.)

I think it's transphobic when a person is uncomfortable with trans people or spreads harmful information about trans people OUTSIDE of dating. I think it would also be transphobic is someone didn't want to date a trans person who is their preferred gender with their preferred parts, SOLELY because they're trans.

But the identity of being bisexual, imo, isn't trans. People may use that identity to BE transphobic, but the identity isn't trasphobic.

___________

personal anon

Hi hon <3 I just wanted to let you know I did read your message and I'm here for you. I know you said you think things 'aren't that bad' but your feelings are VALID and it's okay to feel this way.

Sending love <3

___

tempted anon

Hi hon <3

I really really need you to tell your therapist about this. Please know I'm not saying that because I'm mad or sad, it's just- that's exactly what they're there for! Do you think you could write them a note and have it ready for your appointment? Maybe that will take some of the anxiety off of sharing that info.

You deserve to get better, so telling someone is the best thing to do <3

_____

register anon

Cas I'm in pain but that's not the point.

I just wanna know since I'm not from the US, what happens to the registered pedophile, like I've seen in movies, that they're not allowed to go near schools, but what enforces that? Is there some monitor that goes off if what they do or what happens? Just really wanna know.

Hope you're good🫶🏾

Hi I hope you're feeling better!

So according to my limited knowledge from growing up with a very paranoid mother and also a short hyperfixation on law after seeing Legally Blonde, anyone who's been convicted is on a registry and they have to keep their address on the registry. If they try to put in an address that's too close to a school, they get in trouble. And if they lie about their address, they go back to jail. And there's like...levels? If they're a high-level person, their address is public record, so you can look it up to see if anyone lives near you.

___________

Midnights Anon

Hello Cas! It’s midnights anon once more. Sorry for all the venting and rambling for my last few asks (I managed to do the musical! I did get some roles of mine removed (for unrelated reasons, since this musical is really weird when it comes to the script and timing, so it wasn’t personal but it still hurt my feelings? I dunno why).

I think I’m coping better, but this one might be a long one?

I don’t think I’m like, as a person, working? I do the stuff I have to do and I do the stuff I like to do but I’m tired, and things are difficult, and existing is so frustrating sometimes. I go to school and my friend does something that reminds me of my dad or just irks me and makes me upset, or my friends don’t care to include me and ignore me (not to an insane degree, but one I’m used to, but still hurts). And I don’t want to insult or resent my friends. I love my friends! They’re great and they don’t hurt me like my old ones and a lot of them like me, but they don’t really seem to care in the way I care about them? I always mentally giggle and kick my feet when I see them because they’re SO WONDERFUL but some of them don’t show the same energy, or they do but don’t include me a lot, or they do include me AND show energy but don’t do I the same levels as I do. I don’t even know if im making sense but I just wanted to get it off my chest.

And also, everyone’s dating! We’re all kids! At least I still FEEL like a kid. My body feels so awkward and uncomfortable and I already am trying to mask and not be a weirdo/let anyone see that I’m fundamentally different/incorrect, and yet my friends are already open to dating? It feels like an older teenager thing but people are already doing that stuff and leaving me in the dust. It’s all they talk about sometimes. I’m here learning to not collapse (physically and mentally) daily and they’re flirting, and dating, and breaking up, and doing more and less and everything in between. I know I shouldn’t be comparing myself to them but it’s kinda hard. I just wish I was older, so I could be normal, and so I could be not left in the dust.

So I guess my question for you is, how do I grow up? How do I be older and feel like my body is mine and feels okay? How do I not feel awkward when I hear my voice? How do I know what’s wrong with me and how to fix it?

Uhm, yeah! That’s all for now. I hope you’re having a good day. Also, despite all my rambling about my stupidity and stuff, something good happened with my mental health! I had time!! I got home at 3 and instead of doing nothing, or scrolling, I did something I liked that I usually hold off on because I’m stressed it’ll take too long! I painted with my acrylics again! I don’t know if I really like the painting but I continued painting a photo I took of some random people with my digital camera, and I’m having a lot of fun! I’m kinda rediscovering how pretty colors are? I look at my paints and they smell SO GOOD and the colors are just SO PRETTY. Like, PINK???? MAROON???? PURPLE?????? PEACH???? COLORS!!!!!

Anywayssss, byeeeeee 🫶

Hi!!

Congrats on your painting!!! It sounds so much fun!

I need you to know that nothing is wrong with you. I guarantee you that there are other people who are feeling like you are. I mean, you describing your feelings brought me back to being a teenager so quickly. Feeling awkward and uncomfortable and left out...I've been there so much. It's not fun and it's not fair, but I promise you that you're not broken and you're not alone.

Please don't pressure yourself to grow up. Please don't push yourself to date or do other 'grown up' things. You'll end up getting hurt. Go at your own pace, when YOU are ready. It will be so worth it, and I promise that holding some awkward person's sweat hand while you make zero eye contact is not worth it anyway.

As far as feeling awkward and uncomfortable in your body---do things that make you comfortable. Explore with how you dress and what you do and who you're friends with. Paint! Self-expression is such a great way to become more comfortable in yourself. It's okay to do what YOU want and not what everyone else is doing. I promise you, most of those people are either miserable or oblivious anyway <3

__________

Family Dynamics Anon

I'm so glad you get to keep some things of hers! And yes what your aunt said- that's probably best. It sounds like it might have affected your memories of her.

It sounds like you've got some people supporting you--have you talked to your friends about this?