#... yeah here's some psychology
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Seeing reactions after this episode is actually slightly hysterical? It proves that this fandom can be so blind-sighted by characters relations, that they forget what show they are watching. Like, I have always been a self-proclaimed Roman-girl, because I find him compelling and extremely psychologically interesting, and like all of these characters, to a certain extent, I do empathise with him on the level of trauma that he went through. But why the fuck are people surprised that THIS is how he behaved in this episode is beyond me. Oh, suddenly Roman is dead to you because he behaved in the way that was very much consistent with who he is? That’s who all of these people are, like come on, what do we think we are watching here? You didn’t really think he will suddenly become a defender of democracy because it serves a greater good of the country? He was the one to fucking choose Mencken as a president, he cherry-picked him for Logan, because he knew that their views align, that Mencken will be a smart business decision. This whole thing is a transactional procedure - they needed to get someone who will be willing to serve their corrupt interests. Roman doesn’t see a problem in having fascist as a president, because he will never be touched by the consequences of having that kind of man in power. He is very much safe at the top of the mountain, and who the fuck cares what will happen to the peasants at the bottom of the chain? In this way, he imitates Logan the most, because in the end of the day, people are units to him, to all of them really, some of them are just more willing to admit this than others.
Also, like, “uuu, Roman was such a misogynist to Shiv this episode, he just didn’t listen to her at all”. Look, can we stop being delusional here for a second or is it some sort of selective memory situation? Roman is a misogynist. Kendall is a misogynist. Shiv, in fact, has a lot of internalised misogyny going on, and her being a woman never stopped her from pushing other women under the fucking bus, so let’s be real here for a second. And that is not to be said in defence of Roman, frankly nothing what I’m saying here is supposed to justify his behaviour in this or any other episode, but it’s more of like… reality check? I know that Roman’s self-destructive spiral and semi-decent behaviour at the beginning of this season might have clouded certain aspects of who he is, but please, go back to season 3 and count all the instances of him throwing misogynistic and, frequently incestuous jokes and innuendo, at Shiv? How many times he undermines her position on the basis of her being a woman? Or how Kendall, for that matter, uses similar arguments in 03x02? All the siblings use aspects of each other as weapons. Kendall is undermined because he is unstable, because he is a drug-addict, because he has a tendency of flying off on the cloud of mania, and crashing in the heap of depression. Shiv is crossed out because she is a woman, because she frankly has no real experience in the firm (which, although people might be super angry about that, because she is such a “girlboss” apparently, but this is a factual argument), because of her relationship to Tom and tendency to take several sides at the same time (with not much thought put into it). And Roman is frequently undermined because he is a freak and a pervert, because “there is something wrong with him”, because he is the weakest dog that is most easily manipulated, who crumples like a wet tissue if only to receive a bit of affection. They all weaponise their “weak” points against each other, because this dog-eats-dog mindset is focal to who they are as a family, to how they were brought up, to how Logan wanted them to be. So please, let’s not be surprised, when Roman suddenly uses misogyny as an argument against Shiv, because it’s not sudden at all, and it’s always been there.
I think what we have on our hands, is the same situation we had in 03x07 during Kendall’s birthday (and previous episode with Mencken), where some people are so outraged by Roman, and by his ability to shove the knife where it hurts, that they suddenly cross him out completely. Again, all these characters are bad people, there was never any doubt about that. They are compelling because of the complexities of their familial relationships, because of their childhood trauma and the consequences that this trauma has on them as adults. But they are still completely reprehensible as human beings, and I think some viewers forget about that and then get outraged when show about awful people features awful people. And I’m sure, either in next or final episode, something will happen and Roman will become sympathetic again, and he will regain his position as a “poor meow meow”, just as he did in the finale of season 3. Its always a fucking carousel with this character and people get sucked in and have their eye’s covered just to realise that nothing really changed, and nothing will change, because in this show people, at their core, remain the same.
#roman roy#this is a ridiculously long rant#but as soon as I finished this episode I just knew what takes I will see on tumblr#it is becoming painfully predictable to figure out what takes people will give#i dont know if i should find it funny or sad because its been 4 seasons and some people still don’t understand what they are watching#like wow#show about bad people have actual bad people?#doing bad things?#the shocker of a fucking century#call all the news channels#but will all of that stop me from liking Roman as a character?#No because there was never any doubt in my mind about the state of his moral compass#or lack thereof#you can’t like characters in this show for them doing good things because they rarely do#this show is interesting and these characters are interesting because of the psychological mechanisms that drive their behaviour#(and im saying this obviously as a psych major so nothing surprising here)#but yeah i had to get it out because it infuriates me when people lack a basic understanding of what they are watching#and are surprised by things that were there to begin with#in the end of the day nothing fucking changed#succession#succession hbo#kendall roy#shiv roy#succession spoilers#logan roy#connor roy#succession s4#marta rumbles poetically#i will also probably write something about Roman later on when I can fully process this episode and I get my exam done#because there are some interesting psychological things at stake in here
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// hopping in again because 2 am is in the timeframe where i become so hyper on accidentally finding vibes like a nocturnal predator
. https://youtu.be/8Gopg80VXwc?si=j_vS5a5xUWvgiBRC
somehow sounds like t.i
// ASHES ASHES DUST TO DUST THE DEVIL'S AFTER THE BOTH OF US //
#[ ooc ]#i have Never heard of this song until now and now i'm obsessed holy fuck holy shit#“tell me i am good enough” me when i am a random doll who wants to please everyone to the point it's a source of manipulation#from the parasites in my brain#by making me think i'm being useful when i do things for them while also not hesitating to put me down when i fail#( i easily accept these words because i truly believe that everyone else's wellbeing is more important than mine#and do not like being seen as a failure or useless because it makes me do feel worthless#as i lack internal validation for myself#so everything is a personal failure on my part even when it isn't )#i hollow out my being for the people that only serves to take and take and i fully let them do it#it's what is 'good' for me after all - at least that's what they tell me#... yeah here's some psychology
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just a gentle reminder that THIS is how big the spines around blamore's neck are whenever he doesn't shrink them... so, it's pretty much a surefire way for it to keep other people away from him, NGL ☠️ (unless you are trying to get poked in the eye JSJSJ / j i'm kidding, i'm kidding (,: but blamore really does have several natural defenses against any 'aggressors,' i guess you could say, and it's spines REALLY add to it's uncannyness whenever they're at full - length ).
#IT WAS PROBABLY NOTHING BUT IT FELT LIKE THE WORLD: musings.#yeah... i have yet to talk about the spines around blamore's neck so i thought ' why not do that today? ' BUT -#i just wanted to let you all know that unless i specify otherwise in an rp then blamore has shrunk the size of them BC although he cannot-#make them go away it can at least make them a littleee more manageable to walk around with (': because i can imagine that they'd -#probably get caught on a lot of thing's if they were at full length all the time LOL but as i was saying here if blamore stretches them to-#their normal size then you should DEFINITELY assume that blamore sees you as a threat because they both serve a psychologically -#defensive purpose as well as a physically defensive one because i mean. I can probably imagine that some people might back down-#if they see them springing out of his neck all of a sudden like THAT but for those who still want to fight him? well then they could kind o#serve as a guard to his neck / head from being injured or cut off though there is a vulnerable spot between the bones of it but SHHH#i didn't tell y'all that / j LMAO i'm just joking again but yesss. they are VERY pointy and feel strong if you were granted permission to-#touch them by blamore + it is a little more lenient of letting people touching it's spines around his neck compared to his spine#so perhaps that could happen to y'all oc. who knows... 👀#tw: bones.#MAN IS BOUND TO LIE ABOUT HIMSELF: headcanons.
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I was going to have rye maaaybe start to buy into solas' whole johnny silverhand deal a little bit more in the post-weisshaupt talk -- to Progress the Arc tm/set up the beginning softening in that relationship and heighten the effect when it eventually goes. quite another way entirely -- but the sheer spectacular cruelty in hindsight of 'at least you still have varric to talk to' is such that considering where I'm intending to end up with this narratively, the stoic 'not here to make friends you fucker gimme your intel' option is simply irresistible. gotta have that echo rattling around rye's head forever when he decides that you know what? I have had enough of being nice, actually. I do want to go ape shit. someone hold my coat for me please I have some work to do and I don't want to stain it. guess for now the ol' watcher training & instincts are still kicking in enough for them to treat solas like a tricky spirit you should treat with respect and good intentions, but also shouldn't be out there offering little fingers to unless you have a whole arm lying around to spare haha
#dragon age#dragon age: the veilguard#dragon age: the veilguard spoilers#dragon age spoilers#I LOVED weisshaupt as a mission tho. I've seen it through multiple times and still my heart was going so fucking fast haha#also bringing lucanis with you is SO funny and weirdly sweet even tho you miss the 'you call that nice and quiet??' part#(you get neve just swearing instead! a very good substitute hfdskjah sorry neve...)#it really feels like he and rook keep turning to each other as everything escalates exponentially with like...#helpless and numb but deeply companionable shrugs. we are both equally near-existentially baffled by this. but at least#we are near-existentially baffled by this *together*. thanks man. yeah I mean. she IS a cloud. i don't know what else to say here#all we can do is give it a shot right. yeah. yup. good talk dude check in with you in a minute we gotta kill some ghouls#and then the Arcs both lucanis and rye are on with davrin too especially when they're all making peace in the library...#*steeples fingers with narrative glee and excitement* yes yeeess it's all coming together#oc: Ellaryen Ingellvar#I love solas so much. but that comment is straight up so awful. he says it sooo... *smugly*. it's because he's frustrated#at his powerlessness and being denied access to rook's interior life and getting his hooks into them psychologically I realize#which is his best and only path back to agency at this point#but it's such an ugly instinct to drop something like that in there because it makes YOU feel better#that was not just a 'oh better remind rook they can always talk to their old pal varric for tactical reasons!' there was feeling in that#tho you know the reason I love solas is primarily the multiple other comments he has through that convo#that are laugh out loud hilarious to me. he's such a little SHIT!!! always and forever <3#listen man... in another life I'll come back for you and we'll be kinder to each other that time in the end huh
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Vague Echo spoilers for TJ's route
When I started playing Echo, part of my reason was a youtuber's recommendation, and I remembered her saying that the ending of Flynn's route was so emotionally devastating for the writer that they had to go on break and leave the last two routes for someone else to write. So I decided to save that one for last, and instead started with TJ's route, because he's small and cute and innocent.
As it turns out, because it took me so long to finally play Echo, I had misremembered what she said. It wasn't Flynn's ending that emotionally devastated the writer. It was TJ's. And. Um. God damn.
#original#echo vn#today i learned that echo has a theme of psychological horror#was poking around the wiki after finishing TJ's route like “god damn are all the routes like this?”#noticed that indeed the last 2 routes were written by a different writer. but that Flynn's route was one of the last 2#the 3rd route to be written? TJ's. of course#blundered into possibly the heaviest route with the worst ending because “hehe cute innocent catboy”#going with carl next. here's hoping no one dies#oh yeah my prediction was probably wrong btw. looks like it was TJ leaving the notes? judging by the drawing?#or maybe it WAS a ghost. who knows#also the thing with janice just didn't go anywhere. weird. probably more important in some other route#also wtf was with the tarantulas? they kept showing up but never did anything or connected to anything? probably something symbolic
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my mind is once again assaulted by people's incorrect views of my special little guy. not sure i can recover from this.
#kind of considering being a hater but also it's rude to respond directly-indirectly to someone's post isn't it#(like directly as in referencing it specifically but not even where op can see... theoretically. bc it's still public after all)#all i will say is OH MY GODDDDDDD THIS IS THE MOST SHALLOW READING YOU COULD SUPPLY FOR A CHARACTER WITH ENDLESS LAYERS#THIS IS LESS THAN SURFACE LEVEL THIS IS LIKE. HALF OF THE SURFACE LEVEL AT MOST.#ALSO YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABT PSYCHOLOGY! SORRY#ok that's all i'm gonna say. hater moment over. mostly. in a public setting at least.#i was planning to read the whole post but just 3 lines in it already pissed me off too much 😭#yeah i'm normal about fictional characters why do you ask.#regular disclaimer of 'this is all fiction do what you want don't let me stop you it doesn't actually matter'#with the usual defense of 'yeah well fiction is there to make you feel and so here i am. feeling' etc#edit: ok i went back to be more civil (in my head. yeah) and they made *some* okay points.#but the core of it was still so wrong that. >:( idk it's 6 am i ran out of words
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sigh…..when you discover a new favorite author whose writing is so clearly of a niche variety judging from the average reviews coming from other readers….😓
#❣️#the pain of seeing other people not enjoying jin shisi chai’s writing as much as i have is borderline excruciating 🥲#like this author knows how to write & solve a good mystery and she will solve it good#i was so worried getting into ‘lip and sword’ + ‘in the dark’ because of these mixed reviews and then i ended up loving them??#just came out of finishing vol.1 of ‘in the dark’ and now here i am….literally sitting in the dark of my bedroom….#….wondering how i could’ve clearly enjoyed the story more than others#some readers said there had to be a fault with the translation bc of how disjointed the story read and how inconsistent and im just thinkin#you guys know this is a psychological mystery right…….? it is meant to feel disjointed sometimes#but even then i sincerely think the writing was very well done#like yeah the pacing was incredibly slow so you really have to be in the right mood for it and take your time#but that doesn’t mean it’s bad#in the dark#booklr
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just went to a halloween party last night (MY COSTUME WAS A VAMPIRE UM GOTH(?) GIRL WHO GOT HER THROAT SLASHED BY ART THE CLOWN😞😞😞😞😞) and i ADOREEEEEEEEEE this cut tattoo. i still have it on today at work ☠️☠️⬇️⬇️its delicious to me💔
#void mumbles#one thing abt me is that i love looking wounded for some reason☠️☠️#may it be a psychological issue ?? i don’t know#void in the flesh#like today i got a cut on my finger and it was bleeding sm and i was like yeah this is hot .this is what i like#and then i wrote a happy face on my hand using the blood#cuz i’m Normal#tw// blood#i wish i had the skill to do goth makeup omg#i just put on black lipstick & smudged black eyeliner under my eyes☠️☠️#spspspspsp goth girls come here and teach me ur ways#i ❤️ goth girls#the halloween costume was crazy cuz i literally NEVER wear feminine clothing ☠️#it was a wild thing for me
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Is it just me or does Katniss always saying she can't do without the "boy with the bread" just... a trauma response?
Like I totally agree that she also loves him, that it's thematically relevant to the message Suzanne Collins was trying to convey, and so on... it's a good match...
But I definitely read there being at least a little trauma response in her NEEDING him like that.
She almost starved to death and he rescued her. She even has a permanent connection between him and the idea to go hunting to sustain her family.
In her psyche, Peeta is her savior. Of course she needs him. Of course she clings to him in life-and-death situations, when she's afraid, etc. Of course "it was always going to happen."
Gale said once, "the only thing I had going for me was that'd I could protect your family." (Paraphrased)
But Peeta, indirectly, at least in Katniss's view, has done all that and more. Katniss would never even have MET Gale if it wasn't for Peeta.
Perhaps it's just the canon explanation for an IRL predetermined outcome, but the role of trauma in Katniss' psyche deserves to be talked about.
#This is one reason I never read romantic interest into the way Katniss thinks about Peeta#For one I don't believe “I need him emotionally” is a valid reason to be in a relationship#That's just unhealthy I'm sorry girl#*she is very much allowed to be unhealthy BTW#She's Katniss Everdeen from District 12 she's the very definition of unhealthy in a lot of ways#I definitely think Peeta is good for her also#But yeah it was that and also the constant 'boy with the bread' screamed yeah#She's fixated on that one moment#Which is reasonable and expected of course#But eventually it got to the point where it was like. Okay. Isn't he the boy who saved your life a couple times over now?#Hasn't he done anything LATELY to deserve your love and trust?#Do you see him as a human being HERE AND NOW or just the idealized stranger who saved you from certain starvation the one time?#And yeah I can also see it developing into a cute nickname or tradition#Sort of the way the fandom uses it#But it's roots are in trauma and obsession and the psychological impact of that is hard to ignore#Like I love everlark#There are many posts that have expounded on its narrative virtues much better than I could do#And yes its also very sweet#But every time 'boy with the bread' is invoked its like. Okay she's running on trauma here. Not love#why is one of the multiple times she almost died STILL relevant? Can't we move on?#Like YES its cute and I like it for that. But I want some sort of explanation from the psychological side#the hunger games#katniss everdeen#peeta mellark#Everlark
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Since you mentioned it, what did you think of Speak No Evil? I was thinking of watching it myself :0
i really liked it ............ my friend scoffed at me when i told her i was watchin it so take my opinion with a grain of salt tho </3
#snap chats#SHE DIDNT EVEN WATCH IT BUT W/E SPOILER FREE QUICK REVIEW DOWN HERE HIIII <3<3<3<3#ive been made aware my tastes are. Questionable so proceed with caution vlklvjv im so sorry if i convince you to see it and you dont like i#moving on I Have. done nothing but listen to Eternal Flame for the past week its been stuck in my head ever since#BUT FR as i said I Really Liked It. i heard that theres another/original version so i wanna watch that at some point#if i care to remember and find it vjaelkjeakl but as This Movie On Its Own i had a swell time !!!#it does a really good job of teetering that line of#'this is just a quaint little sometimes-awkward get-together' and 'this is so stressful i just might throw up'#it did a good job of keeping me invested and on my toes i guess- it bitters innocuous scenarios really well which i like#like i wasnt sure WHEN whatever scene i was watching would turn sour but i always had that feeling it /would/- that lingering feeling#the horror in this is more psychological than violent- it only gets crazy by the last quarter honestly#which isnt bad! i like psych horror and Christ. the amount of times i was just grimacing in my seat like Suspense Is The Word#like imagine a dinner party where people only say controversial things and you dont want to blow up the situation#so you just try to be really polite about pivoting from the topic. but they keep going. thats basically the horror of this movie at its cor#i do have SOME comments about some bits but i wanna rewatch the movie at some point to be thorough on my comments jglejlakj#yk do a rewatch where im. NOT jokin bout with my brother- THO TBF DESPITE THAT I was still invested#like its premise is so. simple? in concept imo. but 'simple' isnt automatically bad in my eyes and i really liked how it played out#i dont watch movies much tho so maybe its been done different but there is ONE thing tht definitely made me like. HUH#but its nothing super major i dont htink? I MEAN IT WAS KINDA BIG BUT there were signs to it being revealed. still it made me vjLJ like god#i cant explain tho cause SPOILERS but ... Yeah. its not that crazy it just definitely took me by surprise for how quick the reveal was#tldr: if you ever wanted to watch an awkward dinner party where you couldnt do anything about it this is the movie to watch#and i like that. i like that because i hate myself apparently jVLAEKJVAEKLJ#coupled with horror it was also funny at times which i felt did help with that underlying 'when will this be tainted' horror#i really liked that ... when normalcy or the feeling of safety can be taken away in an instant#if you watch it and wanna talk bout it more in depth ill prob have rewatched it by then and id like to give a more. Detailed review#OR AT LEAST ONE NOT SO RAMBLY VELKAVJEALKJ im not good at reviewing things .... i just know when i like or dont like somethin ..#ive only had my bro to talk bout this with and he doesnt really. Give his thoughts or opinions too much like i do#so id be happy to talk bout it and get your perspective !!!! but only if you want Again if you dont like it im so sorry erlakjaekl#god theres so much more i want to say but im just rambling and i wanna be brief for you my friend vlakjlakvlkj#anyway yeah. those are my quick thoughts. i was Very Normal about james mcavoy for most of this movie ty for reading
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I'm just so fucking tired of it all
#vent#abuse mention#it IS the blow motor that's fucked and dad says it'd be a super hard day long job to do it yourself#i'm just so fucking pissed because 'oh we couldn't help you with your electric bill* because we had to drop 1000 for your sister's new car'#*last week#and i don't want to sound like an ungrateful bitch but 'oh your ac's broken? let me point you at a guy who can do it for like 300'#hello???#i'm not asking my parents to shell out for me or anything but every fucking time i call them it's like#'oh we had to buy your sister a new car battery'#'oh we had to get your sister's bumper replaced'#'oh we had to pay your sister's rent'#this is the sister that's just the meanest rudest bitch you'll ever meet by the way#the one who was my OTHER abuser (physically and psychologically)#the one that claims that i was the favorite child and she was the poor little sole abuse victim#yeah i was the favorite. the favorite to get the shit beat out of me and told i was the oldest so i had to be The Most Perfect™ or else#i'm not saying you didn't get abused but don't you dare fucking come at me saying that you had it worse than me#abuse is abuse but boy howdy if there isn't some favoritism at play going on NOW#fuck out of here with that shit i see how it is#what fucking ever#also i had to just disassociate through an entire paranoid psychosis rant from my mother talking about how my dad's ex's husband#is going to fly down from Illinois to kill them both specifically because my dad talked to a guy who knows them and asked how they were#so i'm feeling great
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help I’ve started listening to my chemical romance 😭
#just pav things#when someone’s music taste is a natural extension of my own I will assimilate their favourite artist into my being <3#and honestly this was doomed to happen too.#like. the first album I ever remember listening and doing a silly dance to was Bon Jovi’s Cross Road in KINDERGARTEN#and then I grew up with shoji meguro’s work on persona 4 golden (2012)#I’m literally the girl who thinks electric guitar is the bestest instrument ever#Soo yeah 😅 Turns out Pav was the true emo the whole time 😂#this is what happens when you grow up with literally subgenre of rock at your disposal :>#Anyways this has spurred some heated debate in my mind#Namely. Would Inigo actually listen to this in character?#ITS A COMPLICATED TOPIC THAT’S REALLY TESTING MY KNOWLEDGE OF HIS CHARACTERISATION#Just like how Dolphin asks those difficult questions about Archie where it requires really late-stage psychological thoroughness#and intimate understanding of said deepest parts of the psyche#Because here’s the deal right? We all know Inigo is wearing a false edgier persona to prevent any closeness with other people#Key word: false.#But that’s not the whole picture either is it? He has a harness up to his neck because he wallows in his guilt about Archie#It’s a torture device for him. He’s wearing uncomfortable clothing on purpose.#It almost feels like he would listen to mcr to induce the comfortable inertia of emptiness that sustains his depressed existence#It keeps him thinking about negative topics. Keeps him lost in his nightmarish slumber that is a life devoid of true connection to others#So it would help MAINTAIN his emo mask through willing engagement. Thus preventing Inigo from breaking due to sheer psychological duress~#And c’mon who would listen to ‘you know what they do to men like us in prison’ and NOT think of Archie and Inigo#Or specifically. How Inigo PERCIEVES Archie#They’re both deeply entrenched in sin :3 And Inigo thinks he doesn’t suffer enough for what he did— ‘or just not enough pain in my heart fo#your dying wish’ (dying this case being. metaphorical. y’know)#And then that line of ‘I’ll kiss your lips again’#Like kissing goodbye to a sweet death~#So like. Inigo is trying to reinforce the idea that he’s a murderer in his mind 😭#And that’s my thesis on WHY Inigo would listen to mcr and his response if appropriate 😤 He’s trying to brainwash himself ✨✨✨
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I hate the fact that I couldn’t get out if I needed to. I don’t have a car or license. I can’t work. I can’t afford any rent in my area with disability. I don’t have control of my finances. I can’t take care of myself. I’m just… stuck here. I’m stuck living in a house that can become so easily volatile and I don’t know how to get out if the time comes where I need to
#vent tw#but yeah shit is scary#before my older nephew was put in a place for kids with severe psychological issues (brain fog woop woop) it was really scary here#just so much yelling and throwing things and self harm I had to step in and stop and it was just. a lot.#just the constant fear of him going too far and hitting one of us because we knew he was capable of that with his parents#he even swung at me at one point and even my mom before my brother stepped in to protect her#I’m fearing for the day he comes back#because his parents pushed him onto us and they don’t want him back but like. we don’t either#he’s a good kid he’s just going through some shit that makes him an unsafe person to be around#and then there’s my mom who’s emotionally volatile and living with her is leaving me in a constant state of fight or flight#like even if I was lucky enough to get on section 8 I probably still wouldn’t be able to afford the cost of living in my area#at least not safely#fuck I hate this shit#living is just really hard sometimes#I keep hoping for the day I’m able to work and afford an apartment and have a good life but every day it seems less and less possible
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you all will be infuriated with me but i’m being dead serious this time, this isn’t a “haha let’s get my mutuals telling me they think i have this in a joking way” this is like, i’m seriously considering this sort of thing.
i’m wondering if i was wrong about the borderline thing.
and to be clear because i know at least some people might jump on this, i’m not saying all the symptoms i attributed to it are gone. those are still existent and bpd is the best explanation out of the countless of other conditions i’ve read research papers about, talked to professionals about, or otherwise studied. like this is the best thing i have to go off of.
but i think i’m very used to being wrong about these things. i was wrong about being part of a system, which i guess i can elaborate on but at this point like, i give up, at some point i’ll go through and delete my pluralkit because i’m tired of this shit. i was wrong about every other condition i thought i had and to be clear part of why i thought i had those conditions was me just trying to humble any other option but bpd. so if they were successful, well, that’d be unexpected.
but that still makes it extremely strange and i honestly am doubting if i have bpd anymore.
#nightmare.personal#i don't know if this is one of those things that's kind of socially inappropriate to say but it's honest so i will#most people who have BPD are way more fucked up than me#like yes i'm definitely fucked up. compared to some of my friends yeah absolutely.#but especially with childhood shit like. it's a lot more intense than what i remember.#and yes yes there's a lot i don't remember. sure. i just found out two days ago that my parents fighting with my brother a lot#might have affected me mentally. so like there's a lack of understanding here.#but i don't think you guys really get how fucked up some of your lives have been#and like. yes i've been in near death situations sure. whatever.#but what's different between me and all these other people is you guys had stuff going on physically#and mine wasn't exactly physical. i probably could have died. but it would have been a psychological thing more than anything#and that's not exactly in the neat little handbook most support groups carry so who's normal pilled now huh#also i'm sure half of you do not give a shit about this but#some of you have BPD and it's a moth to the flame effect#the system thing will get at least one auto like because patterns#so people do care about this but most of you don't and ultimately this is useless#i'm just tired of this. and i think i need to do something about it soon.
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That doctor better be right and doubling the dose of my silly little meds will lead to an actual improvement of my overall quality of life
#he's a weird weird person but also the only one who doesn't attribute everything to ✨️psychological issues✨️#feels almost ✨️validating✨️#really the only thing I want is to not be exhausted all the time#so i can actively choose not to do anything instead of being physically too drained to do things#and then think that I'm just an overdramatic little kitten who just fakes the physical stuff to have an excuse for herself#so yeah anyway#here's to having some hope lol#i mean when i started taking them (years ago) it also got better (crazy right)#so just let me have some energy please#im so tired ahahaha#shut up amy
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life gets a whole lot easier when u realize words are just used to describe things and there's no concrete truth to any of it. we r all just guessing and doing our best to describe what's going on around us and barriers are completely arbitrary
#like what comes to mind is queer stuff but also psychology stuff#like yeah guess what Aspergers and autism are basically the same thing (dont use aspergers tho that was named after a nazi :/)#bc theres like. its just describing behaviors and experiences. and eveb within autism those vary widely#like its hard to explain what im trying to get at here#i guess im trying to say u gotta accept not everything will be explained bc we wont understand everything in a concrete way#autism is just. its just behaviors. behaviors have been identified in my brain and thats all it is#its not some big yes i found the autism gland that produces autism#its just guesses. shots in the dark until something fits#idk sorry if this sounds dumb its bc i am
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