#... so i can sit still for a few hours
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sometimes I forget that my experience has been. um. not 'your experiences are not universal' vibes but more like 'your experiences are EXTREMELY atypical'
#red said#recent events have reminded me that my life has involved like. a LOT of other people's psychosis#like not in a way where i have been Beset By Terrifying Crazies bc that's not like. a thing.#but a lot of people in my life have had a lot of really severe psychotic episodes#and i FORGET sometimes. that actually that is an Unusual Amount Of Experience With Psychosis for someone who's not#for somebody who has not really personally ever had psychotic episodes (unless severe PTSD flashbacks count)#actually i tell a lie i have maybe had One psychotic episode but because it was very situational and i knew what was happening#i was able to ride it out. because i am literally only psychotic Inside Hospitals and so that's all fine#as long as i LITERALLY NEVER HAVE TO HAVE INPATIENT CARE. Very important to me to never ever ever require surgery i think.#i can handle the amount of psychosis i get from a 1-4 hour stopoff in hospital#as long as i know I'm leaving soon then i can just Cope with the fact that the walls are moving and reality is thin#ANYWAY that's not the point the point is i forget! that most ppl i know have experience of at most a handful of severe psychotic episodes#some people i know have experienced more for sure. especially if the episodes were mostly theirs.#but people really seem to expect me to be more freaked out by their symptoms of psychosis than i am#bc i don't think i really register it as frightening unless they're in actual danger or Currently Aggressing Actually At Me#like i WORRY about them bc it can super suck but it's not SHOCKING or WEIRD#there have definitely been times ive been frightened. one time i woke up in the night and my friend was standing over me with a knife#but also like he was still HIM he was just having a moment. and as soon as i got the knife off him he just came back and broke down.#and we were fine and he was safe and i learnt the valuable lesson that even when people seem like they wanna kill you they probably don't#tbf now I'm thinking about it it's honestly a tossup whether he was there to threaten or because he felt a need to guard us#like to be clear probably don't try and take a knife off someone having a psychotic break. i was 17 and it was 3am and i knew him very well#i probably did not make the smartest call but nobody got hurt is the point#anyway you know there's that kind of psychotic episode and my granny got very violently angry a few times. buuuut you know there's also#been plenty of other times I've been with somebody having an episode and it's been chill as hell.#my ex saw and heard monsters so much that eventually she just got sick of being scared. we used to watch TV with them#i would sometimes have to sit on a bit of sofa that wasn't haunted and we might not be able to watch certain things bc they didn't like it#most of the time she was hallucinating there was absolutely nothing to worry about we just had a few extra variables#honestly of everyone i know who's had psychotic episodes or schizophrenia the amount of times it's been a material risk#is like. low single figures? maybe low double if you include self harm but idk what the cause and effect is there.#idk why you would need to be frightened like 99.99% of the time it truly is usually just Oh No That Seems Distressing For You I'm Sorry
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I've referenced before how I have a big google document to keep track of every media I've ever seen in my entire life (just for reference because I like to track everything possible lol… I am the Data Collector), but recently as I was updating it, I thought of actually evaluating them to find out random percentages (like for example, out of Total Shows Watched, what percentage did I finish vs. stop watching, what percentage did I like or dislike, etc.)...
Evaluating these things is made easier by the fact that I already place everything on each subsection of the list into 6 broad ranking categories, so I don't have to go back and guess to figure out how I feel about them or anything. The categories are: Ranking 5 - overall best* (despite some criticisms of course because I'm too much of an Analyzer to ever find anything Perfect lol) Ranking 4 - more positive than neutral, but not good enough to be 5 Ranking 3 - either the good + bad negate each other, OR it's just not memorable/interesting in any way enough to be ranked higher or lower (this is the Default category ALL things are placed in if no other rank applies) Ranking 2 - maybe a few redeemable elements but largely more negatives than positives Ranking 1 - So bad that it circles around to being fascinating to observe in some way (not necessarily Funny, or Good, but just interesting somehow) Ranking 0 - Bad in a genuinely frustrating or obnoxious manner
*("best" primarily defined here as most interesting, rather than most good in a technical sense, or some other measure. I tend to value more highly whether there's something novel or thoughtful about the worldbuilding, tone, writing, base premise, etc - than about whether it's actually executed perfectly.)
And here's the amount of shows that have so far been placed into each category -
TV shows ~ Rank 5 (highest) - 20 shows ~ Rank 4 (mid-high) - 28 shows ~ Rank 3 (neutral/default/meh) - 114 shows ~ Rank 2 (mid low) -33 shows ~ Rank 1 (low low but intriguingly so) - 14 shows ~ Rank 0 (iredeemably low) - 2 shows
This would make for a total of 211 TV shows overall. However, there are 57 shows within these list marked as "didn't finish" (typically meaning I quit on the very first or second episode - but log them still to keep a record that I at least had a brief view of them).
So my total of genuinely fully watched shows would be more 154. 211 Total, but a More Accurate Total of 154.
Counting them all and using the Total Number Of The List (211) -- that means roughly 9.5% of all total shows I have ever watched (or at least attempted to watch) have been Mostly Good, 13% have been Moderately Okay, 54% have been either entirely Forgettable or some mix of good + bad that lands them right in the Neutral Middle, 15.6% have been Mostly Bad, 6.6% have been Bad (but in an interesting way), and 0.9% have been Terribly Bad.
Additionally, I didn't even get past the first two episodes of about 27% of the total.
Sooo, discounting ones I didn't finish, my total TV shows ever watched in my life would be about 154 (maybe give or take a few, assuming I might have forgotten some from very long ago).
But instead of entire life, let's just say this is the total for 'About 20 Years' (so, not counting very early childhood when I likely wouldn't remember things I saw/have no detailed recollection of them (like for example, I'm sure at some point when I was like 4yrs old I must have seen an episode of Spongebob or something, but I have zero distinct memories of it, can't quote anything of it, and barely recall the premise - so I don't count it on the list, etc.)).
In that case, 154 divided by 20 would be roughly 7.7 shows a year.
Which is actually surprisingly low considering that I often have stuff on in the background for hours whilst I make sculptures and do costumes and stuff (maybe I should have also marked some distinction between 'things I fully paid attention to' and 'things I kind of half listened to whilst sculpting', but that would further split the categories too much probably lol), but I guess a lot of that is youtube videos or random documentaries, so .. eh.. maybe I get it being lower.
Now, doing the same thing for movies-
Movies ~ Rank 5 (highest) - 4 movies (3.4% of total) ~ Rank 4 (mid-high) - 12 movies (10.3% of total) ~ Rank 3 (neutral/default/meh) - 91 movies (78.4% of total) ~ Rank 2 (mid low) - 8 movies (6.8% of total) ~ Rank 1 (low but interesting) - 1 movie (0.8% of total) ~ Rank 0 (irredeemably low) - none in this category (0%)
That makes 116 for a Total (Actually Remembered) Movies Watched In Lifetime (Or At Least In 20 Years).
116 divided by 20 is roughly 5 or 6 movies a year (I feel this has probably been skewed though by adding everything since like elementary school onwards, as I remember a lot more movies from child/teen years.. Whereas, the past 3 years I feel like I've barely seen maybe even 5 movies?? lol). I also have "Didn't Finish" marked on 18 of them. Which means I quit halfway through about 15% of the total movies.
So, a for broader summary stuff..
I seem to be less forgiving to movies than tv shows, by far. Which makes sense to me, I guess, because I love elaboration and details, so "short form" things that only last an hour or two are often lost on me a bit. My biggest complaint with movies is indeed usually walking away just wishing there had been more exposition, more scenes where characters are doing nothing, more "mindless bantering" conversations, more Quiet Downtime and Lore Elaboration and so on lol, so... of course most 1-2hr films end up feeling a bit Not Enough To Draw My Interest/Nothingy to me.
If you count 5 and 4 as "like" and rankings 2 to 0 as "dislike", then for TV shows I at least somewhat liked 48 of them, and at least somewhat disliked 47 of them.. So it's almost exactly the same lol. I'm just about equally as likely to find something bad as I am to find something redeeming about it. But overall, the largest chance is that I just won't really care much for it at all and it will be tossed into the 'neutral' pile, forgotten forever. Movies have a bit better of a balance, "liking" 16 of them, and "disliking" only 9 of them. So I'm slightly more likely to enjoy a movie than to find it annoying - though still VASTLY more likely to just not find it anything in particular, possibly not even finishing it.
ANYWAY.. this is vague and literally pointless, but like I said, I just really find information fun. Like my document where I've rated every apple flavor I've ever tried (like 40 of them now?), or reviewed every oreo flavor (32?), or ranking data from my entire 10 years of Trying To Make Friends process (out of 100 people, roughly 8% chance of a moderate compatibility, 3% chance of high), or etc. etc.. I love to have random pointless things to analyze I suppose lol.
I doubt anyone tracks things in their life in this same exact way, but I'd be interested in hearing any at least somewhat similar data !!! (like, how many TV shows you watch a year on average, and what percentage of those you like vs. dislike (if you keep track of that sort of thing), etc.)). I guess it might be easier with movies, since I think some people use those websites where you curate a list of movies you've seen and you can rate them or something, so maybe the numbers are already available on those places. :0
#maybe this is my version of spotify wrapped lol.. Lifetime Media Google Doc Wrapped.. kind of.. except I'm not going over specific titles.#I can't do this with music since I rarely EVER look for new music or add to my Youtube To MP3 folder library as I just don't really#listen to music that often. When I'm working (the majority of when I seek background noise) I need like.. people's talking voices#for some reason. Just instruments and singing are not distracting enough to me to work as background noise because theyre#almost TOO in the background if that makes sense? like if I put music on then I just tune it out and it's virtually no different#than if I were daydreaming stream of consciousness thoughts in an entirely quiet room lol. And I can't really do it with books since#essentially 100% of what I read is non-fiction. usually about some specific subject or academic topic OR stuff like#1800s magazines or cookbooks or historical people's diaries. Which is not really.. the type of thing I would#rank as easily I guess? like 'ooh yeah putting the sociology textbook in my top 5 hee hee right next to the 1920s radio recipes book' lol.#Then for games... I just sadly dont play enough of them. I've been banned from new games as I've told myself I cant play anyting#long form (no rpgs or etc) until I actually finish MY OWN game first - to keep me from wasting time. so on average#I play... 0 new games a year. ToT... I do play the sims sometimes but that's really all (which is not a new game at all since#I've been playing it on and off for years). Thus I guess movies/TV are really the only things that make sense#to collect this sort of information on. I could do youtube videos I guess also but that seems kind of strange like...#giving a rating to every single video I watch in a ranked list lol.. Especially since I would say a good 85% of the time#they are exclusively background noise whilst I'm working on something or cleaning the house or etc. and not things I pay serious attention#to. There are only a few specific topics/types/creators of videos I watch where I'm ACTUALLY sitting in front of a screen paying#direct attention to the content (usually when it's educational or political things). Everything else is too mindless to even rank.#ANYWAY... ever analyzing my little hermit Weird Relationship To Media (in the sense of seemingly not processing or getting the same#things out of it as many other seem to). I think that can contribute sometimes to the whole difficulty socializing and stuff#since our culture is very centered around media consumption generally speaking. People want to talk about The New Movie that came#out or The Big TV Show Of The Year. and for me it's like.. highly likely I just plain have NOT seen it. Or if i have. statistically#I most likely was entirely ambivalent if not slightly negative towards it lol. Which just kind of takes the steam out of a 'fun' 'casual'#conversation and you seem like a bit of a bummer if most of your only feedback is either 'idk what that is' or 'oh yea... i did#see that one.... i didnt like it all that much though... I think it'd be better with elves in it.. and 7 hours longer..'' lol..#Which I am not disliking things in a 'grr i hate it bc its popular'/just to be contrarian way. I actually dislike that mindset/find it#silly (by striving so hard to be counterculture you are thus still defining yourself by the whims of external culture - just in the#opposite direction. but are still just as preoccupied with the mainstream (going against it) as everyone else. etc. lol..)) In my#case I think it IS just having niche hyperspecific tastes.. for example- it peeves me when cell phones are in media bc I dont want to be#reminded at ALL of the real world. so.. cross off anything set in modern times. so on & etc. Judging all things by these weird criteria lol
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I was in a major car accident yesterday (got t-boned) and was very luckily a) alone in the car, as the passenger side got walloped and b) not injured. However I took care of everything and then went home and proceeded to sleep for 19 out of the following 24 hours.
#I could feel all my muscles and all of them were in pain. every ounce of my energy was sapped#I needed to eat but the thought of eating made me want to puke#I had to be driven home and I was sat in the front seat like 😵💫🫥😱 why aren't you BRAKING you need to BRAKE every two seconds#After my 24 hour reset I am now up to eating a meal. I still hurt but only the top quarter of my body instead of all of it.#I can stand the thought of being driven now but idk how long it'll be before I'm OK with driving again 🙁#I have been thinking about it like. all the time which sucks. Unfortunately my tolerance for processing negative experiences is -1000#If something bad happens to me I want to just fix the situation and move on from it immediately#and that just doesn't happen in reality. But now I'm stuck sitting with this awful experience for who knows how long :(#I'm lucky our insurance is so good it'll cover everything (but deductible obvs) and I imagine the car is fixable#All in all I'm incredibly lucky and I know that and I'm so grateful to be healthy and home with my husband and cat#But also I've had my license for 8 years and never had an accident. I've been through so much this year. This car is 1.5 months old#It just feels so unnecessary and evil for this to happen now and I feel so guilty that apparently I'm at fault#and caused this huge financial and energetic drain for my lil family when we've already dealt with fuckin everything else the past 6 months#The ''why me why today why when I'm a responsible driver'' is real and my whole shit is rocked. I'm still shaken up#I've had a few times recently where shit felt... unreal? Like I should be able to reload my save because that couldn't have just happened#And this was so vividly that way#I'm strong but like. The Cursed™️ vibe is very present#May have to do a curse break and many protection spells soon#cause this is getting ridiculous#personal
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I fear there are no jobs fit for a college student bro
#txt#all of these jobs seem so mentally draining#I just need something where I can sit for a few hours and still be able to focus on any work I have#I would do on campus jobs but I’m probably gonna be doing my shit online
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hhhh talking about my writing was fun but 30 tags is not enough.. yes i have 3 major influences but i have minor ones too.. it is a lovechild of my favorite things.. writing is so fun and i have no self control or a concept of pacing myself i will sit there for 16 hours and get hit with every status effect but by god does it all just flow out of me. I've always been a music person yes but i also used to write a lot into early adulthood until The Incident™
but i am ready 2 jump back into it. i think comics are a great middle ground between the two mediums so i don't get As into writing bc i kind of started going crazy last time 🫡 i can take a more structured approach to it that forces me to pace myself and think about it differently. i love art.... i love making things i love knowing how to do things i love knowing how to play things i love having so many creative outlets, even if i don't do a lot of them regularly lol. it is enriching 😳 and nice to know that it's always there to come back to when u want.
#if u want the tea my imagination at the time was like i could space out and straight up just be another person POV doing every little#thing as if i were them for hours and the experience would come together without having to even think about it.#different times/places/contexts/conversations etc. forced 2 to to my mom's lil cult meetings for 2 hours twice a week#i would opt to do these imagination exercises instead to rly put myself in a character's perspective. every step‚ stumble‚#riding in a carriage together for the entirety from point A to B etc. WELL i was working on a horror anthology somewhere 18/19#(that had a small local following 🫶🏾) and it its concept was like the Twilight zone but a lot darker. it was called interdimensional#and the main recurring character never actually shows up in the story. they r an omnipresent god of death who exists everywhere but#exists outside of our realm‚ and it picks random people to reveal itself to as a symbol. it can be apparent or just in passing that#the entry's MC sees it in‚ it will appear on something somewhere and once it's brought up it's a cue to the reader that this person#has just been sent to an alternate reality that leads towards their inevitable death. for the character nothing ever changes immediately#but the different starts to creep its way in‚ as does death's approach at its crescendo but the path's i took to get there were 😨#and after enough entries i started to see the symbol irl and hallucinate some other stuff from my stories and it really scared me#and made me stop 🫡 but i think in retrospect i just went too hard on the imagination exercises and wished i tried cultivating it instead#give myself time to settle and get in control.. but alas‚ she has not written seriously since. to this day it still flows out of me if#i just sit down to do it‚ but i don't think I'm at risk of something like that happening again anymore :3 so yeah ♡ i am learning how to#draw and trying not 2 force it bc i want it to b fun as a little journey for me and i look forward to the day i can come back to actively#writing again too 🫶🏾 i miss it but i also want to b able to draw ૮₍ ˃ ⤙ ˂ ₎ა#learn the hard thing first then do the stuff that comes naturally.... i also want to get back into music sometime but clearly i got a lot of#other stuff to work on 💀 i burnt myself out on it learning too many things and not having enough fun with it anymore‚#but i have a better healthier with art these days and i know it'll be great to come back to when I'm ready 😌💕#i have been considering getting an acoustic or bass guitar tho 🧐 the beauty of physical instruments.. they're just there ready 2 go..#I've been doing mostly digital the past few years‚ when i was making music. it was also rly hard to when i was w my ex ૮ – ﻌ–ა#that's a whole other rant lol. but ugh digital is like u gotta set it up u gotta make space and then u gotta be in one spot the whole time#i just wanna lay in bed and vibe or something yfm.. walk around maybe idk. do something less structured.#maybe.. hm. hmmm 🧐#I'm going to guitar center lol c ya ✌🏾 getting a bass and amp and maybe a guitar too depending on the price
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Simplicity Template v1.0.0
Hi. It’s me again, emerging from the depths of ukagaka hell to bring you new and strange things.
So here’s the thing about ghosts, I helped make this one called Needle for ghost jam 2022, and it’s kinda sorta maybe the best thing I’ve ever participated in. And it maybe kinda triggered a big shift in how I think about ghosts. And I think maybe, the process doesn’t need to be nearly as complicated as it is.
Right now, the existing ghost templates are very, very big. Everything everywhere will tell you that making a ghost is a long project that requires a lot of dedication. And that can be true! There are some wonderful and detailed ghosts out there that take a long time to produce. But as we’ve seen in ghost jams, that’s not necessarily true! Ghosts don’t HAVE to be big! Ghosts don’t HAVE to be complicated! And even ghosts with a lot of content don’t have to be a huge project that eats up months of your life! Just about everything in the existing templates is optional, but I always feel like I’m cheating or doing a bad job if I skip things.
The more I think about it, and with a lot of the work I’ve done lately, I think it is easy to get burned out by the amount of tedious work you have to do filling in side functions that many users won’t ever see. New devs may find those functions uninteresting, or confusing, or just simply overwhelming from the sheer amount of them. And I think a lot of folks may not realize they can be omitted entirely without causing any harm to the ghost! SSP has default dialogues for the stuff that there need to be dialogues for!
Additionally, I’ve started to see more possibilities for ghosts lately, and the existing templates are making me feel very boxed in. Many ghosts right now have the same premise of “X character but on your computer”, and I don’t have anything against that, but there’s lots of other interesting ideas out there that we haven’t explored hardly at all! What if it’s not that a character has appeared on your desktop, what if you’ve appeared in their world! What if you’re not actually human? What if they know you already! There are so many things I would love to see happen, and some ideas that I’m hoping to start exploring myself.
Anyways! That was a whole lot of words for me to introduce my new template. I’ve made a new template called the Simplicity Template, and these are the things I hope it accomplishes:
Makes ghost making less intimidating for new developers by having less to fill in
Helps more ghosts reach completion by getting straight to content first, with very few side features to fill in
Gives developers more freedom to experiment and try new ideas, and to break away from the current formula
If any of that sounds interesting to you, give it a try! You can always add in more features later and build upon the simple base that is here!
#Ukagaka#English Ukagaka#Template#ZiUkagaka#ZiChrono#//Sorry I have so many feelings about this#//I still haven't?? made a post for needle?? but i probably should#//I just!! genuinely love and adore needle so much ok!!!#//Needle is literally 99% just dialogue!!!#//But it's so DIFFERENT and I get to play with so many concepts!!#//I wanna make SO MANY COOL THINGS and X. Template just isn't suited for my purposes anymore#//As it is if I wanted to start a new ghost with X. Template I would have to spend a few hours carefully removing stuff i DONT want...#//Which was the reason I made X. Template in the first place... So it's kind of outlived its usefulness to me#//Anyways I feel much more confident in this template and I hope that other folks will find this approach as freeing as I do#//Make cool things!! Sit down and plan out what you'd like your ghost to be and then start making content!!#//I'd show a picture of the ghost itself but it's literally just some gray rectangles lol#//You can... you can pet the rectangles#//Oh god I never replaced the placeholder petting dialogues GUESS THAT'S JUST WHAT WE'RE GOING WITH BOIS
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i realize how little i have in common with my peers simply because im not constantly on tik tok/instagram/facebook 👴
#first i just dont get 80% of the references bc i simply dont engage with them/im not curious enough about them#second new people or those that i know cant go 15 minutes without scrolling on their phone or texting#the few friends who would let me stay at their house would always sit on their phone the entire evening not really engaging with me#or trying to engage with me by showing me something they found on their phone.... girl-#i broke up with my last partner bc they were chronically online and wouldnt go to sleep without at least 1 hour of phone time in bed#im mainly complaining about the bed time phone usage thing bc it used to drive me crazy as an insomniac#and considering how many people do it just makes me completely disinterested in sharing a bedroom with other people#i am old so that must be it tho#i barely use my phone that thing can last 4 days on one battery charge (it's a good battery but still) despite my occasional yt usage#i like in person talking and i just think people lost touch with their social side the last few years :(#and it's hard for me to feel like im having an engaging conversation with someone if they're constantly checking their phone#it makes me feel really lowly of myself it hits my self-esteem hard bc this behavior shows me im too boring to have their attention#even tho they were the one to invite me over/go out with me... bro.#personal#delete later
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I think we should bring back basic etiquette lessons such as shutting the fuck up when you’re watching a movie in a group that is not exclusively your friend group 🙂
#welcome to another Mick Airs Out Their Grievances and by god is it a VERY long one#prob best if u don't expand the tags#am I being maybe a bit meaner about this than I would be for any other movie? maybe but pac rim is one of my favorite movies of all time#so I think I get a pass on this one.#one of the groups on campus is hosting movie nights & I went to this one bc I've only ever watched pac rim on my laptop and wanted to watch#it on a larger screen. yay yippee I love this movie!#there r maybe 10-ish of us in this room and a three person friend group is sitting on the couch one of whom has seen the movie and two who#have not. okay so far so normal.#and then the movie starts and they won't! stop! fucking! commentating! the whole fucking movie!!! I don't have a problem with doing that#when I'm in just my friend group because I know that I can tell my friend to stop talking or pause the movie or whatnot but not when I'm in#a large group w people I'm not good friends with ffs#and the comments aren't even funny or anything they're all oh this is JUST like in iron widow!! oh they're SO gay and autistic!!! and#they're talking so loud about this that it completely drowns out the movie audio which has already been turned up a few times#like. be considerate!! some of us want to yknow actually listen to what's going on and not whatever bullshit you're saying#I nearly walked out three or four times before I actually wound up doing so#I may have been a bit of a bitch at the end but I don't care. I got up to leave because this was not an enjoyable environment and one of#them offered to turn the movie down if it was too loud. this caught me a bit off guard since I expected them to still be so wrapped up in#their convo and. well. I may have said 'it's not the movie that's too loud' before closing the door#this also reminds me a lot about my issues with online shipping culture and it bleeding through into how we interact with media irl#this is probably heavily influenced by my aromanticism but I'm so sick of people constantly reading romantic relationships into everything#AND placing more importance on those relationships than any other form. I don't mind romance in media. I think if done right it has great#emotional impact on a story but when a movie is running and when other people who may not want to hear it are in the room watching it too#is not the time to be loudly saying 'he's autistic!' 'they're in love!' 'she has a crush on him!'#I have my own interpretations of the movie some of which agree with what they said and some of which don't but that's beside the point of#knowing how to coexist politely in public#anyway. I think they were awful and annoying and they ruined my night out.#I think I'm just so incredibly mad about this because I love the movie and I was looking forward to watching it in a group of people who#found it cool as well while still having some modicum of politeness#I almost wish I had been meaner but that's the extreme annoyance talking I think#hater hour over love u guys bye
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MY SHRIMP HAD BABIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SO TINY
#Emu tries to post#shrimp#Aquarium shrimp#ojhhhhhhh#I spotted them yesterday#and saw one of the ones that was pregnant had only one egg left in her belly#And another one also had less#checked this morning and there's still babies#didn't look at the females again though so not sure if the other eggs are out now#this is. This is what baby shrimp look like right? Just making sure?#I think they weren't more than a few hours old when I took the photo#some of them were drifting around and then jerking towards the walls#and some of them were already sitting on the walls#I crushed an algae wafer for the babies.. not sure if I should do anything else#there's a mesh bag put on the outside of my filter because I was worried about the adults getting stuck inside#And it seems that was a good decision since the babies came so quick#But I want to get a sponge filter when we can
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Told my boss that NO I cannot take over customer phone calls because my anxiety will literally not be able to take it. And I’m being SO brave about it,
#I say this as I’m sitting here shaking and on the verge of having an anxiety attack. AHA#Shima speaks#She called me yesterday morning and was like. Hey your coworker is drowning and I KNOW you hate phone calls#But she really needs help#And I was like. Yeah okay. Maybe I can do this.#Fast forward to last night. I’m in bed hyperventilating bc no I CANNOT do this#My mental health has already been Bad for the past few months bc I’m already working overtime for this job#And now to take on the One thing I generally get anxious about? Bro. It’s gonna kill me. 100% no exaggeration#So I called my boss this morning and was like hi I’m so sorry I said I would but I actually can’t. I deadass had an anxiety attack#just THINKING about it last night#And she was like omg no I get it. I have anxiety too I know what it’s like. It’s debilitating sometimes#So she said I didn’t have to do the phone calls and now I’m like YIPPEE#And she said hey that was a really brave thing to do. Speaking up like that and making it clear when you’re not comfortable with something#Me still shaking and holding back tears: Thank you I’m being SO brave about this rn#Anyway I’m still coming down from the near panic attack I had before I called her to tell her lmao#It’s been a rough 24 hours. I’m fine (lying)#I’ll BE fine now that I don’t have to talk to angry customers on the phone tho 🥰
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#delete later#successfully survived a pain flare whilst living alone. well mostly. its not over yet but its now centralised in a couple joints rather than#all the joints in my legs and hands. so its getting better#and i woke up not wanting ro scream so ya know. better! still cant sit upright for long without completely seizing and can't walk correctly#without swaying wildly BUT i can walk without leaning on a wall!#as much as im pissed that this flare happened on my time off i would've been SO anxious about calling in sick so#for the best i guess. also bought family christmas gifts and booked doctors appointment for friday aboit getting meds#so overall well done me. now i lie down for another few hours whilst gently moving things so that nothing freezes in place#yayyyyyyyyy
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Getting ready for bed now. Ended up taking no nap. Realized that I have gotten about 4 hours of sleep over the past 58 hours. Which is not recommended.
Also realized upon taking them off that id been wearing my glasses for Most of the past 23 ish hours. Maybe closer to 22 hours (for shower and such). My ear kinda stung a lil when I took it off. Which made me realize how long I'd been wearing them but ALSO the fact that they HAVENT been hurting my ears in daily wear. For a while there, wearing them for too long would make my ears Hurt. Hell, I literally ended up getting scabs on my nose where they rested. But it seems like my body has been adjusting to them... it is accepting that we are a glasses wearer now... this is a marvelous realization
#speculation nation#and now im up in bed and im hanging out with june. who im still kind of mad at for clawing my thumb so bad this morning#(like SORRY i had to move u from my bed!!! instead of my normal tactic of annoying u so much u move urself. i didnt have the TIME!!)#at the same time tho she laid on my stomach for like half an hour while i was trying (and failing) to take a nap last night#which she almost never does. neither of them like sitting on me usually. so it felt...very special.#baby forgiven. also forgiven simply for being baby. June doesnt mean bad by it she's just easily startled & i moved her too quickly...#i was on the way to 20 mins late leaving for class tho i did NOT have the time to take it slow. sorry June.#(cant leave her on the bed when im not here bc the door stays shut so tally wont try to eat my plants when im not watching)#(usually i just smother June with love in the morning so she gets up by herself. Tally too. then i shut the door once theyre both out lol)#anyways i took a melatonin so hopefully TONIGHT after a day with no sleep and a day with half sleep i can actually sleep thru the night.#still mad that i laid down for 3.5 hours last night and couldnt sleep a wink. it was still rest but it could've been SLEEP!!!#whatever. 8 hours sleep here i come#(unfortunately not more than 8 hours bc i have to get up to do my readings. but 8 hours is still better than what ive Been getting lol)#(i'll... try to catch up on my sleep some more over the next few days...)#anyways goodnight 🫡
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#so ive seen many different versions of the same sentiment of - if standing/walking for longer than 15-20min causes you pain you may benefit#from a mobility aid/have an underlying issue - and the thing is i believed it. but i was also lowkey like#surely after standing still for 15-20min anyone would experience pain in their feet at least??#anyway tonight 2 friends who both consider themselves able-bodied informed me that they can go for:#about 2 hours - and about 1 hour - before they start experiencing ANY pain. not - before it gets too painful to ignore#not - before the pain starts to worsen. before it kicks in at all. and then its just mild pain.#so anyway i might benefit from a mobility aid/have an underlying condition. more research is required.#aka im asking more friends about their experiences with pain re: standing and walking and if they consider themselves able-bodied#all this came about bc i worked a haunted house yesterday and it was a long day#it was about 13 hours mostly standing with enough sitting in between that i could ignore the pain i was in and rest for a few minutes#here and there. today i was in so much pain i was limping and my boyfriend had to help me with stairs. he kept asking if he could just carry#me up and down them but i hate being carried on stairs in particular so i said no and he just gave me his arm to help lean on#i 100% wouldve fallen without him or a railing#i was telling a friend abt it and it evolved into talking abt general pain experiences and yeah. 15-20min is abt all it takes for me
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any explanation of boosting video over image content on sites that allow both that isn't "flagrant play to increase seconds of engagement to look better for advertisers" is wrong. of course most people linger on videos longer, you're making us wait to receive all the information, dipshit
#samble rambles#social media#this shift is what made me delete insta off my phone#I still check it on desktop sometimes but it's still so frustrating that I can only stay for a few minutes#when it was all images I could be locked into their intended doomscrolling for an hour or mroe#I acknowledge that I'm some form of georg bc shortform video is extremely annoying to me in bulk#like on here where it's maybe 1 in 25 posts on my timeline and well curated it's fine and dandy#but when it's 50-100% it's just exhausting and irritating to me#also I use insta primarily to keep tabs on brands and artists#so to make me sit through 20 seconds of video to see your next release when you could have posted a photo makes me tear my hair out#ik why it's necessary for algorithm reasons I'm not mad at you personally it does mean I miss a bunch of shit now though
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#my new job is like a damn dream btw#i'm not getting paid as much as my target was but it more than makes up for it in really good work culture#and tons of employee engagement/amenities that are just fucking Nice#not that i utilize most of this but: cafe with free food and drinks. 24/7 on-site gym access. very flexible work schedule.#frequent free food events#discounts on sport/concert tickets/ski resorts/etc#unlimited PTO. tuition reimbursement. volunteer support (can take time out of your work day to do volunteer work while still getting paid).#my manager's ethic is: don't care what hours you work as long as you're here at the morning meeting and get all your work done#basically as long as i communicate i can work 7-3 or 8-4 or 9-5 or whatever suits my personal schedule#and i am allowed to leave when my work is done. no sitting around twiddling my thumbs trying to look busy#if all i have left is data analysis i can leave early and do it from home if i want#i can set up my work so that i can work from home once or twice a month. something i never thought I'd be able to do as a bench scientist#its so amazing compared to anywhere else I've worked#i'm sure it's laughable compared to the super wealthy pharma companies but those are evil places so i'm happy with this#ALSO i get regular raises and a merit bonus every year#just...wow what a great place to settle down for a few years
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I am slowly losing my mind
#Rambles#I SEE NOTIFS IM SORRY INBOX#I have been doing nothing but scrolling and screen recording and pacing in circles for two hours straight#HELP ME.#sitting now cause knee hurty#Cpc goes on daily pass either tonight or tmrw and I still have 40 episodes to screen record sob#I missed a few episodes too my numbers ain't adding up. I'm gonna have to go and mark each individual one so I can record the ones I missed#Girlsuffering#<- tag system#Cat is sitting beside me for emotional support I am so bored#But this has a deadline I have to get done now#Why
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