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oskarwing · 3 years ago

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I really wanna talk about the parent child relationships in Midnight Mass

I’m not sure if I’m good at writing this sorta Meta but here goes nothing. Very many spoilers follow.

Let’s start with the adults:

First we have Erin who suffered so much at the hands of her mother and later because of her mother’s abuse. We don’t get much detailed info on Peggy Greene but from what we can gather she was a lot like Beverly Keane, who seemed to idolize her (though that probably got easier for her after Peggy was gone), in her self-righteous over-pious manner. She just happened to be Beverly with an alcohol problem and a daughter who she could take all her anger at life for not working out her way for God loving her just the same as everybody else out. The dove scene is really such a good scene. But Erin was stronger than her mother, stronger than the abuse that was about to repeat itself and when she found out that she would have a child of her own she left and tried her best to give her kid a better life than the one she had. And she found the strength I think with the help of the same God her mother most likely used as legitimation for her abuse (don’t get me wrong I believe it was Erin’s own strength but she also clearly found something in religion that helped her gather it) and it helped her to carve out a path for herself and her unborn child.

Sarah’s relationship to her parents is such an interesting one because we get to see the end of it. The man who she believed to be her father has been dead for a long while and her mother is suffering through the late stages of dementia. And Sarah showed up for it. As a doctor she most likely knew what would be happening as soon as Mildred started to show the first symptombs but she wasn’t going to leave her mother. That kind of care for an elderly parent shows something that is proven in Mildred’s character time and time again: She is a very devoted parent and the love between mother and daughter flows both ways in every scene they are in together, after the birth of her daughter her world turned around Sarah and she loved her with all she had. There are a few scenes that show that Mildred’s understanding of the duty she felt towards her family came from the old values of her time. She wouldn’t have taken off with John and their child not for a lack of love but because in those times, in catholism still at least where I’m from, you can’t just marry a priest. You can’t just have a child with a priest eventhough you’re married and then fuck off with him. As a woman, as a wife and mother you have to stand with your husband, stand with your child and you have to stop running after fantasies I’m sure Mildred had. I’m saying this all from her perspective btw, I don’t necessarily think running away with John, in the way he wished to, would have been good for Sarah but honesty might have been and her old fashioned values were also what kept her from being truly honest with her daughter. To John on the other hand Sarah is a fantasy, a dream he couldn’t reach. His daughter, his baby, so close and yet so far away getting to watch her grow into an adult but never being able to really be her father as in her Dad instead of her priest. And it’s painful to him, he clearly loved Mildred, loved Sarah but he was also kinda selfish in his love that in the end took Sarah away. At first he isolated his child by starring at her giving her the creeps and the feeling that she had done something wrong that he knew she was gay and dissaproved and then he took it upon himself to ‘cure’ Mildred in the same way he was. Sarah wanted to take care of her mother wanted to be there for her in those final months and John decided it was up to him to give Mildred a youth potion to make it so she’d never die. And with that he took away from Sarah what is without doubt a hard but for many people a very important last part of the relationship between child and parent. John was a complicated man and would maybe have been a great Dad he certainly showed a lot of fatherly love for his altar boys but he couldn’t have the family in the way he fantasized about and in the end it was that fantasy that made him act the way he did.

Riley Flynn causes his parents a lot of pain. Him killing that girl in the beginning, his alcoholism, him simply not liking the place, the home they build for themselves through hard work causes the Annie and Ed so much pain and financial loss and you can see how tired they are, how much guilt they feel for failing their son. Ed calls out his own guilt and says that he doesn’t belive it could be Annie’s fault because ‘your mother’s a saint’ but what I truly love about Annie and Ed Flynn is that they both aren’t saints. As a mother Annie is very much overprotective and suffocating, wanting to keep her children on crocket island and hating the notion that they might leave her, even though she is kind and sweet and loving. And while Ed seems rather checked out as a father but he is the more honest parent, never talking down to Riley and telling him as it is, telling him about the pain he caused him while also admitting to the guilt he feels. The Flynns are flawed people even in their religious practice (I think the way Annie speaks about Ali showing up at church when Hassan seemed to be nothing but nice to her spoke very loudly to the fact that Annie is rather misguided sometimes) but they are good people at the core of it and their parenting might have been part of Riley’s way into alcoholism but it wasn’t only them. There were things they couldn’t change and things they had no influence over like his heart being broken by Erin running away, the sort of people he went out on parties with and so many other things... Yes, they may have shaped their son in a way that made him vulnerable to addiction and the party scene of the stock and tech market and brought him to the point where he killed a child but it doesn’t happen through parenting alone and they also shaped him in the good ways. Him not losing himself when Pruitt changes him, him being brave enough to warn Erin, him standing up for what he believes in those things were also shaped by Ed and Annie. They are one of the best example of flawed but good hearted Christians I have seen in recent media and their portrayal was one of the most heartbreaking ones.

Now the kids:

Let’s start with Leeza. Little Leeza Scarborough who before it comes to her wonder gets treated with pity and overprotectiveness from her parents and the island community at large. Leeza was injured by Joe Collie transforming him into the island’s villain and her into the ever present victim. What happened to her is without a doubt horrible and I understand why Wade and Dolly started to become these overprotective parents, why they were so easily sucked in to John’s and Bev’s scheme. Their little girl was almost taken from them eventhough Wade is the mayor, one of the most powerful people on the island he had no influence over what happened to Leeza even was the one who took her out that day and what followed the accident was as we can gather from their conversation with Sarah a lot of pain and financial burden though they say they would have done it all over for Leeza. In fact a lot of places in crockett island are wheelchair accesible and I am sure that Wade as mayor made it so (I can’t really imagine that a small place like the island was very inclusive though I may be wrong). After Leeza is healed they don’t want to question in don’t want to think about what might have been the cause for it. In fact they stop questioning anything after that point, after Leeza walks again they are completely vulnerable to Bev’s manipulation and them letting that happen, them just going along with everything, Wade protecting John after he kills Joe long after Leeza forgave him and with her forgiveness send Joe on a better path is what in the end makes them lose her. Because Leeza isn’t that little victim who needs pity and help, she is a strong minded, strong willed young woman with a lot of wit who similar to Erin finds strength in her faith but in a way that isn’t devotion without question and when the Easter vigil is held she doesn’t follow her parents eventhough she loves them deeply. She forgives them I think, because that’s what Leeza’s character is about in it’s core but her parents were two of the instigators behind what happened on the island, without Wade’s protection John and Bev couldn’t have come as far as they did and they put their trust in them because they loved their daughter so much they didn’t stop to question if maybe what made Leeza walk again was also a bad thing.

Ali and Hassan don’t have it easy and I as a white person really can’t speak much on the racism and religious discrimination they face. I can say this I think: The first line spoken about Ali before we even really get to look at him is “You didn’t invite Aladin” and already sets us up for what both of them know: They are the outsiders. Not only because they just moved to the island but also because in their faith they are different from their peers and religion can often be a community building event for people before it is anything else. Ali starts balming his father a little for that, for not trying to fit in more with the community, for moving after his mother’s death and then not trying to be closer to the people around them and for the pain all the pain the two of them went through before Crockett island. It isn’t oly peer pressure though of course that brings Ali to St Patrick’s. Sure, Ali wanted to be part of the community but also desperately wanted to believe that there was a devine power who could if he just did it (it meaning faith) the right way he might find a way to avoid the pain of his parents. Hassan knew that and he warned him that that wasn’t how it worked. Hassan was a protective Dad and maybe he overdid it from time to time but his worries were never without reason, his need to keep his son safe from a world that hated him for a crime that happened when he wasn’t even born yet never unfounded and him wanting to make sure his kid kept the memory of his mother alive never anything but the wish of a griefing man and loving father. In the end when they pray together there is peace in them. They face their ends with the dignity Ali’s mother would have wished for and they face it as father and son. While Beverly the true religious terrorist of the story burns away without it.

Warren is the youngest Flynn and it is never directly stated yet omnipresent that his coming of age happens in the shadow of his older brother’s mistake. Annie warns him away from drinking when he goes out he in fact doesn’t drink. He never drinks because of what his brother did. Warren would have been 12 when Riley killed that girl and so he would have seen and felt what his brother’s actions did to his parents fully without being yet old enough to maybe see the nuance. Annie and Ed probably try to right the wrong they believe to have done in parenting Riley with Warren and that’s a lot for a kid. I do think it’s pretty usual that parents of multiple children especially when there’s a larger age gap try to do better with the younger children, but that isn’t fair is it? Warren is his own person not a second chance to do it over. And yet seemingly he does what is asked of him. He’s alter boy, he’s charming and helpful and sweet, he doesn’t drink (even when he does smoke pot) and he helps his father where he can with his work. But in the end he feels guilty because he thinks he wasn’t enough and says at that last dinner he would have been different if he had known he wouldn’t see his family again. But Leeza is right they know and they love him and Warren deserved to not be perfect all the time.

Littlefoot saved Erin and Erin payed her back with all the love she had. She was never born but she gave her mother the strength and willpower to leave. In her speech to Joe Leeza said he reached through time and took things from her she didn’t even know she had yet.When Erin left her husband she reached through time and saved Littlefoot from a childhood like hers and when John gave Erin the angel’s vampire’s blood he reached through time and took away her child, a child who would have been loved and cared for. A child with an amazing mother and probably a great step-dad. Littlefoot’s story is tragic because she never got one.

#midnight mass #midnight mass spoilers #parents in midnight mass #I dunno man I just really love how they showed all these examples of parents

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crimeronan · 4 years ago

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Can you explain the appeal of Julian Blackthorn? This is a genuine question because I read the books and came away utterly bored by him and unconvinced of his moral greyness as opposed to like, Adam Parrish’s. He seemed so one dimensional to me but I want to know if I’m Wrong TM considering I tend to be very very biased toward my favourite characters and bored by the rest, and my favourites were Mark and Kieran. So maybe I just didn’t pay him enough attention??

it’s been a while since i wrote any earnest tsc meta but cringe culture is dead and the chance to infodump about my julian thoughts has me vibrating where i’m sitting so. yes okay.

technical stuff

(aka: things pertaining to How The Story Is Constructed)

cassandra clare’s characterization has become much stronger just in general since she first began writing the series like twenty years ago

perhaps most importantly: the more recent stuff i’ve read from her has involved characters who actually grow, change, and learn from their past mistakes

rather than repeating the same stupid decisions over and over again

and over and over and over some more

seriously take a shot every time someone in tmi miscommunicates or self-destructs in ways They Have Learned Not To Do for no real reason. u will die of alcohol poisoning

in tda this shines ESPECIALLY with the evolution of mark, kieran, and cristina’s relationship, but that’s a separate post

clare’s trademark is also the angsty traumatized jerkass love interest with a secret heart of gold

the woman is almost singlehandedly responsible for draco in leather pants and the proliferation of this kind of character type in fandom and teen lit. this isn’t a criticism it’s me marveling at how if you commit hard enough to a single trope you truly can change the world. follow your dreams

sad jackass with a heart of gold isn’t an Inherently Problematic Character Type

but poorly done it can lead to relationship dynamics in which one partner is constantly being hurt by and then forgiving the other despite them making no real effort to change, because they are narratively absolved due to being sad

(there’s a lot of this with earlier jace content. in some ways i think will was later created specifically to be a same-archetype protagonist who actually does get called on his shit and grow. that’s also another post)

also if all of your sexy male love interests are tortured jackasses with a heart of gold then people start calling you a one-trick pony

enter julian blackthorn!

from the very start everything about him is designed to be the INVERSE of the heart of gold jackass. which immediately makes him interesting just from a meta perspective

(mark and kieran are also both alternate angles on this time-honored archetype. mark gets the heart of gold and kieran gets the jackass and then they’re both much more deeply messy than that. yet another post)

julian is kind, self-sacrificing, empathetic, artistic, emotionally supportive, responsible, and favored by old grannies everywhere

so a completely nonthreatening milquetoast guy, right

immediately forgettable if you’re only here for the dramatic conflicts and shithead antics of clare’s other protags

except that he is A Mess

and that he has structured his priorities very carefully, and they are as selfless as you expect from The Hero (TM) but they are also Not Heroic (TM) and they do not align with the moral framework The Hero (TM) is supposed to use

moral ambiguity in characters always exists in relation to their narratives imo. you mention adam parrish - trc’s narrative already mucks around in different ethical shades of gray, and adam falls on the canon scale about where julian does on his canon scale. both more willing than the average pov character to do the ruthless thing or make the fucked-up choice if the ends justify the means; both with an intensely strong sense of internal priorities that they adhere to at all costs, both so unbelievably fucking down for murder; etc

i do think there are ways julian’s choices could have been pushed even further, but considering the number of readers who hate his guts already, i can see why clare opted not to go for the most controversial possible conflicts

so we’re flipping the narrative

instead of seeing this angsty bad boy and peeling back the layers of his trauma to find his heart of gold, we’re seeing the put-together selfless family man and peeling back the layers of his Responsibility Mask to expose the rotting husk underneath

MMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

THAT IS FUN AS FUCK

then when julian DOES lash out in hurtful, uncontrolled ways, he has significantly more narrative justification for it than most of clare’s protagonists (will elaborate in characterization thoughts)

julian is also interesting as fuck because of how his struggles allow for a more in-depth look at the failings of shadowhunter society, something that’s also sorely lacking in clare’s earlier work

his apparent amorality is simply the result of him making pragmatic and impossible choices because he has been faced with fucked-up ethical dilemmas since age 12 Because Society Has Failed Him

which opens the door for narrative exploration of how and why he’s been failed so badly & what needs to change

i also love that he has such a coldly calculated way of analyzing situations and allowing harm to occur when need be, bc a lot of clare’s early protagonists have such a bad case of Rush In And Get Myself Killed Because I’ve Got Feelings About Impulsive Heroism syndrome that i wanna push them in front of a truck

probably there’s other meta narrative stuff i could say but i’m stopping myself and moving on to character analysis

characterization stuff

(aka: reasons why i’m also attached to him in a vacuum)

i don’t read him as one-dimensional at all tbh

u may feel the narrative pushes “ruthless julian blackthorn” too much without delivering enough actual ruthless julian But i don’t think that’s the same as having only one dimension

from the get-go, the big question centered on julian is always “how far are you willing to go?” and the narrative pushes the stakes slowly higher and higher to continuously test julian’s “the price is always justified” mindset

he has a far more layered and realistic response to trauma than clare’s early protagonists - trauma affects every single aspect of his personality and how he conducts himself, and the effects vary depending on the circumstances

his conviction that he has to be the perfect parent to his siblings because they will fall apart if they see him show weakness?? rooted in how he feels like he’s fallen apart since losing the stable adult support he once relied upon

his willingness to hurt semi-innocent people, commit coldblooded murder, manipulate people using political leverage, allow harm to befall any stranger if it protects his family?? rooted in how he has already had to ask himself how much he’s willing to sacrifice, and how his family is his only source of stability when the world has never done Shit for him

his conviction that he has a darker heart than anyone else because he killed his possessed father, even though intellectually he knows he was saving his brother’s life?? rooted in having no means of processing this trauma and being unable to voice his feelings for fear of backlash from a deeply non-understanding society

the way he represses every single negative emotion he ever has, to the point where emma - his actual literal magic soulmate who can feel his emotions - is startled to find him hurting or angry?? once again all about how he has to be the perfect father or he’s failed completely

the way his anger is so totally disproportionate to different situations and the way his negative emotions can only come out in completely uncontrolled breaks?? all that repression baybey. this kid has not processed a single bad feeling in five years. every single real grievance and petty annoyance has been festering indefinitely inside him like a slowly spreading infection

julian’s arc involves him needing to get thru being his worst self to actually start to heal

as in, he has to actually learn to acknowledge his feelings, take care of himself, lean on his family, and let other people take some responsibility

he also has to learn that in his quest to be the perfect emotionally controlled authority figure, he has not actually learned how to control or deal with his emotions. like. At Fucking All. good god

the narrative setup is also about asking “how far are you willing to go?” until the answer is finally “not this far. not this far”

and once he reaches that point, he has to reevaluate everything about how he weighs his priorities and morals and plans, etc

(i also like that emma has a perpendicular arc in which she’s always the one tempering julian and telling him “no we can’t go that far” until she’s willing to do something horrific that he absolutely won’t and HE has to stop HER. very sexy)

it’s also just really nice to have a character who’s learned to relate so well to literally every single member of his family while still having a very detached ruthless interior consciousness. i have similar feelings about how adam teaches himself to love people, but with julian it’s spelled out more explicitly in canon & it’s a more central character theme

i’m sure i’m also forgetting stuff here but this post is long enough so i’m gonna say good enough

and like i said in the tags on my other post, there are things i’d personally write differently if it were my story - plot points i’d shift, character contrasts i’d up, themes i’d explore differently, pacing i’d adjust, etc. i have plenty of ways i could be nitpicky and editorial about the effectiveness of julian’s arc. but i also don’t feel like writing them out at the moment & none of my critiques on effectiveness have an impact on the core appeal of his character 2 me. he’s so fucking good

#replies #tsc #tda #julian blackthorn #meta #long post #ungodly long post.#shadowhunters #Anonymous

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cadykeus-clay · 4 years ago

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Would you mind sharing your thoughts about vex and Beau being cross campaign foils?

so!!!! first things first: apologies for taking weeks to answer this, finals + having adhd sometimes makes my brain turn to mush and forget every ask ive ever recieved. second of all, i’m assuming you sent me this bc of what i said in my vm vs. m9 how they view the world meta. and i’ll be real with you. i have exactly 0 memory of what was going through my head when i wrote that line, so i am simply going to type out a bunch of thoughts that i have on the similarities and differences between beau and vex and i hope that lives up to what you were expecting jsdflksjdksld

I'll detail some specifics in a moment, but overall, I think beau and vex share a very similar kind of trauma of exclusion in their formative years, that's caused them to have a lot of similar traits that manifest in different ways - for vex, she maintains control through her material posessions and beau finds an emotional control in her asshole-ness. I've broken this down into 5 points on which I think comparing the two really emphasizes that claim:

1. daddy issues: both beau and vex have awful no good terrible very bad dads. both syldor and thoreau can suck my ass. they both raised their kids with little love and impossible-to-meet expectations, alientating them and leaving them with lifelong feelings of inferiority and unbelonging. If beau and vex were to meet, i think they would have a very friendly toast to shitty dads, and then have a good drunk vent about it an hour later.

but, at the same time, the actual minutae of their trauma and the ways it manifests are nearly polar opposites. syldor wanted nothing to do with vex, or else wanted her to somehow become a full elf. her issue was that she would never be able to belong, despite her desire to, and as she grew up it lead to her being overly protective and even possessive of the people she found who DID accept her as she was.

With beau, rather than exclusion, her father created an environment of toxic inclusion. He created a role for beau to belong in, disregarding her distate for actually fulfilling it. And, as such, she ended up making herself into someone who could have no expectations and pushed away anyone who tried to set them up for her. In the end, they both came to love themselves by abandoning the woman their father wanted them to be but for vex it was the laying down of an impossible dream and for beau it was the picking up of a mantle she had feared to wear.

2. brothers: now, on the topic of family, I also think its really interesting how their interactions with their brothers play out. We've got vex and vax, tied at the hip til the very end and then some; and then we've got beau and TJ - decades apart and with beau barely acknolwedging TJ's existence. But, even that distance between beau and TJ didn't stop her caring for him when they actually met. She gave him lucky Jade, and she entertained the idea of kidnapping him to get him away from her stinko dad.

And I'd espeically like to talk about what she said outside the hag's hut - "I think Luc and TJ could be best friends", in comparison to the way Vex reacted when Vax told her was going to Zephrah with Keyleth for the year break. There's an aspect to the way they interact with their brothers that lets them slip back into those bad habits they formed growing up (NOT that i'm claiming vex and vax were like toxic for each other. but even good relationships can have unhealthy moments).

With Beau, when she offers to give her happiness so TJ can grow up safe, she's trying to take on the role she's ""supposed"" to fill - the big sister, the protector - because she failed to fill the one her father set out. And with Vex, when she grows jealous of Vax, it's because she's afraid that his leaving with keyleth is a sign that she no longer belongs in his inner circle, and she falls back on that childish, desperate desire to do anything to be accepted unconditionally.

3. romance: spoilers for 5 or so most recent m9 eps (115-120) if you haven't watched them ahead!!!! at this point, both vex and beau have an endgame romance - percy and yasha respectively. Obviously as the m9's campaign is still playing out, that could change, but like. yasha wrote her a love letter and they're officially going on a date so i'm counting that as at least endgame-track rather than just random flirting. What's interesting to me is that they both seem to flip between the SAME roles between their (in-game) general perception and their actual pursual of romance.

Vex gets characterized as a pretty big flirt, right? She's got the winks, the casual "darling". She's flashed grog her boobs on multiple instances with little prompting. Beau, similarly, has easily the most game out of anyone in the m9. She's slept with two guest characters and at least one more npc in the events of the game. Caleb made her a fuck mirror in her room in the mansion. And yet, in both of their actual romantic endeavors, they became the shy, uncertain type.

Vex only confessed her feelings when Percy was laying dead before her, and not an hour of game play before percy kissed her in the woods, she had a talk with vax about how she was pretty sure he didn't like her that way and she didn't want to pursue it. Beau, similarly, spent a very long time convinced that yasha wasn't looking for love after zuala, especially not in anyone like her, asked everyone in the party if they thought yasha ACTUALLY liked her, just to be safe, and then still terrified to ask her out after recieving a literal love letter. I'd argue this shift comes from that same sense of unbelonging - they're very good at pretending they fit a role but doubt their actual right to take it when the opportunity is presented. This time, the role is the lover rather than the daughter.

4. authority: Both vex and beau grew up shunned by the upper crust of society, and grew to mistrust those kinds of people. And yet, both of their arcs result in them assuming such a position. Vex, thrown out of high society gets her place as a baronness, and Beau, running from leadership of her father's business ends up a top member of the Cobalt Soul. There's not a lot here, but I find it interesting how both of their stories involve them shedding their baggage regarding authority and power and assuming it in a way that they feel comfortable in - invitation by someone she trusts for vex, and a promise of freedom of will and control for beau.

5. their deadliest sins: this is the point at which their similarities culminate and transform to a fundamental difference. despite everything they share - shitty childhoods, the small piece of family that's still good, flirtiness masking shy love, and a mistrust of those in power - vex and beau are such different characters because of their biggest vices. Vex, both in game and out, is "the greedy one". She's stingy with money, she haggles for everything, she mourns the loss of physical objects. Beau is "the mean one". She cares little for people's feelings if they're not in her immediate circle, she focuses on her tough guy image, she laughs at things she knows she shouldn't.

And, over the course of the campaign, as they find unconditional acceptance, they grow away from these traits (I won't say they grow out of them) because they heal from the things causing these vices to begin with. I've always been vocal about vex's greed being a manifestation of her class insecurity, and beau's asshole-ness stemming from her fear of being forced back into another position of complacency. And I stand by that now - all the similarities in their backstories are what tally up to these different women.

Despite her careful tally of party funds and her reflexive bargaining, vex is not cruel. she is not angry on her own behalf. She saves two boys from the market in the city of brass at great personal cost, she relinquishes an entire dragon's hoard to the devastated city of Westruun, she took the time to save a baby bear from a cage when she could have just cut and run after escaping her own. She's the first one most people go to when they need a shoulder to cry on, and she's devastated when they don't (thinkin about when Scanlan left). She carved "forgiveness" into the bow she stole from a man after killing him by proclaiming how much she loved someone, because she knew anger had no place in her heart.

And Beau, Beau is a bitch and she's harsh, but she doesn't hoard or protect like vex did. she spends her money without much of a second thought. She pitches in to help her friends buy a ton of glowsticks, and she loves to indulge in material desires like drink and good food and the nicer inn room. She's a member of an organization that's about making knowledge public rather than guarding it. And, though this may be controversial, I think her position with bowlgate of "its not our problem what cali wants to do with it", her long-standing mistrust of their alliance with the bright queen and and more recently with the tomb takers of "i want to go in and talk, rather than assuming they're antagonistic, even if it puts us at a disadvantage" are both examples of this non-possessiveness too - she has no need or desire to get involved in controlling what other people are doing.

so, i guess the general conclusion here is: vex struggles to let go of things, of money, of people. beau struggles to let herself be known in case she gets wrongly interpreted again. they both fight feelings of inadequacy, they both fight the feelings of not belonging, of 'doing it wrong', they fight the perception of them as shitty people because of the shells they hide in despite their absolute hearts of gold. but at the end of the day, vex's story is one of having to lay down what could never be hers so she can carry what is, and beau's story is one of allowing herself to be known so a place can be made for her.

#hope this is what you and that other anon were looking for jdsflkdsajfsaldfsa #critical role #vexahlia #beauregard #long post

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amwritingmeta · 4 years ago

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15x14: Striking A Balance

This is late. I fell behind. Life happens. I still haven’t watched 15x15. Gah! But now to some thoughts on 15x14...

I thought this was a great episode the first time I watched it. Then I thought it was a bloody fantastic episode the second time I watched it, and the third time… well, it just gets better and better. I’m thoroughly looking forward to the final six. I hope you are too.

I hope you’re as well as you can be and that you’re not living in a stress bubble. They’re the worst. I’d hand you a big old needle if I could. Maybe this meta can be some sort of needle (for popping), because at least I don’t feel the ending of this show is anything we need to stress about. I do believe it’s going to be utterly spectacular. *all the faith*

So I spent a chunk of lockdown watching this show of ours. I started at 12x19 (that episode still makes me tremble with its sheer brilliance) through to 15x13, and felt an overwhelming satisfaction at the evenness of the storytelling for these last three-ish seasons.

A brief breakdown of three years of meta writing would be: Dean has been pushed to face, recognise and dismantle his internalised toxic masculinity traits aka his Shadow (which has been the root of unhealthy coping mechanisms and an inability to put down boundaries, communicate openly and handle his emotions), he’s been pushed to see the strength and power of his feminine traits (his nurturing side, his compassion, his protective nature) through being put in situations where he’s had no choice but to open up to being honest with himself, in turn bringing him on a course to him handling his emotions better, as well as the narrative giving us moments where he’s gotten the chance to acknowledge and embrace his neglected inner child.

Yes, Jungian doctrine runs like a river through it, what can I say? I’m a fan.

With Dean as our protagonist, Sam and Cas are both on mirroring journeys, though Sam is Dean’s mirror opposite and Cas is Dean’s mirror likeness. It doesn’t take away from the individual journeys of Sam and Cas: it’s just that their choices and their progression are not determining the course of the narrative. Rather, their choices and progression work to underline and highlight Dean’s growth. Sam and Cas are main characters, but they’re not driving the core of the plot.

Make sense? Cool!

Especially as this also means that Dean’s progression is pivotal for all three of them to actually reach… well, since it’s a word used twice this season why shouldn’t we just go with it? — completion.

Which is why my eyes are happily peeled for Dean having moments that display a deepened sense of self-understanding (like his prayer to Cas, where Dean put words on the anger he’s always feeling and how he doesn’t know why or where it’s coming from) (an enormous step toward actually dealing with that emotion) (as self-deception through denial caused by fear of weakness tied to fear of rejection and fear of failure — that’s a mouthful — has always formed Dean’s biggest internal obstacle) because neither Sam nor Cas should, when we look at the narrative as a whole, be able or allowed to reach full completion (or individuation, to use Jungian terms) without Dean getting there first, or at least being shown to be well on his way to getting there.

This episode then is more of an epicsode, because, man, do we get to explore balanced!Dean, and it’s all through Jack: the narrative representation of Dean’s inner child.

Oh, yeah. Way I see it, Jeremy Adams brought us right back to the threads he was pulling on in Scoobynatural. *bless his brain* Only this time he’s pushed it a step further and rather than Dean simply facing his inner child—as (14x16 whoops I mean) 13x16 opened up that can of worms—now, in 15x14, Dean is forced to properly acknowledge and embrace that inner child. I mean. The mind crackles. The feels are cascading like a waterfall over a great cliff. The excitement, people, is real.

Let’s dig in!

Sam and Dean

They were glorious this episode!!

So Sam ended up tortured a little, but that was because he was shooting first, asking questions second, and sure, Mrs. Butters had gone a bit crazy, but as he learned: it wasn’t her fault. It wasn’t her nature, the crazy had been torture-nurtured into her.

And Dean was faced with yet one more reminder of how kindness, compassion and protectiveness can go haywire when there’s influence from toxic masculinity (aka Cuthbert Sinclair) pushing someone into a position of mistrust, insecurity and need for control.

Let me reiterate the fact that when I’m talking masculine/feminine I’m not tying these concepts to gender, though of course these concepts have been tied to gender traits to the point of brainwashing people into thinking they should dictate what is male and what is female. (mental) Rather I mean all of our internal masculine/feminine traits that need to find balance if we are each to feel happy and content as human beings.

It’s Tao, and it’s Jung, and it’s beautiful. Is all I’m saying.

Digression.

My point is that in spite of sorting stuff out in their individual arcs, the brotherly relationship was depicted awesomely this episode, with Dean being 1000% supportive of Sam going to get itches scratched with Eileen, to the point of feeling he would rather just handle the sudden turn of events and this new threat by himself, than disrupt Sam and Eileen’s fun times (and by “fun times” I mean sex), and Sam going along for the joyride of holiday celebrations, home cooked meals and the supportive, warm and caring mother figure that they’re both, again, missing in their lives.

Sam was submissive this episode, following Dean’s opinions on how to best handle Jack (even with Dean being disastrous in the past when stating what Jack needs) which is somewhat frustrating, because Sam has so much more in him, but he also got to show that humongous heart of his, where he understood the root cause of Mrs. Butters’ behaviour and showed compassion, rather than judgement. His compassion has always been one of his most formidable strengths.

And, of course, Sam had to ride sidesaddle this episode because if he was putting up any sort of protest—regarding accepting Mrs. Butters as part of the bunker or how best to deal with Jack— Dean wouldn’t have gone through the push for progression, delivered through the representation of his inner femininity that is Mrs. Butters, but primarily through the representation of (and here we go into the deeper digging) his inner child—Jack.

Dean and Jack

You know, end of the episode Dean states what is evident throughout: he’s trying.

In the opening scene he asks Sam if Jack’s come out of his room, and then he’s the one who goes and knocks on Jack’s door to warn him about Mrs. Butters, placing trust in Jack that he can handle it and will call them if anything gets weird, and he cajoles Jack to come out with the promise of snickerdoodles. All of this subtly shows us that Dean knows what Jack is suffering, and we can be sure of that because we know he’s been there enough times.

The guilt, the self-blame, as well as the self-doubt underpinning it all, making it difficult to forgive.

Because, thing is, Jack is struggling to forgive himself. To accept that it was an accident. He’s waiting for Dean’s forgiveness to give him a marker for whether it’s okay for him to even begin to forgive himself, which is understandable on all the levels of his character progression, but especially when looking at him as a representative of Dean’s inner child.

So then, why is Dean acknowledging, embracing and nurturing his inner child important?

Because, when looking at the narrative from the angle where it’s filled with symbolisism to do with Dean’s internal journey (and by extension the internal journeys of all the characters), then Dean’s progression, and especially lack there of, has been closely tied to the fact that he never got to be a kid.

He had to grow up fast, got responsibility put on him that was way out of proportion for a four year old child, had to be a father and a mother to his younger brother, and learned to repress and suppress his childish urges, wants and needs through unhealthy coping mechanisms in order to dress himself in the image of the strongerst person that he’s ever known: his father.

(which is a misnomer because there was plenty of weakness to John Winchester) (especially how he was a highly emotional man who spent the years after his wife’s death driven by grief, but hammered it into his eldest son that emotions are weaknesses that will get you killed and you should control them to the point of barely being able to recognise them anymore)

It’s imperitive for Dean to deal with the neglect he suffered in his childhood, rather than ignore it, if he’s ever going to be able to let those wounds heal over. And letting them heal over is important because pushing down trauma leaves it room to influence our choices and to keep us in old patterns of behaviour. Because self-denial and self-neglect is where our Shadow lives and thrives—our unconscious gaining power over us and dictating our behaviour even as we’re unaware of it.

Remember how Jack swallowed Michael? Remember how Michael was Dean’s Shadow representative? It’s not by accident that what Dean has left to confront, fully, is self-trust, self-forgiveness and finding his way to real self-love, symbolically given to us in this narrative through his treatment of Jack.

Because Jack is the final piece of Dean’s internal puzzle: his inner child in need of some real TLC.

So then, what does Dean need in order to be able to show Jack aka himself some real TLC?

Mrs. Butters

Ah, yes, of course what Dean needs most is to engage with his internal femininity.

Mrs. Butters represents Dean’s suppressed and repressed longing for more in life, for a home, for love, and the only reason there’s been a need to suppress and repress this longing is to due with what he was taught as a child and throughout his formative years, actively by his father, and unconsciously by the way he was never taught or shown how to deal in any type of healthy way with the loss of his mother.

Mrs. Butters as our representative of positive femininity then shows us as the audience how Dean, in his heart of heart, wants to believe that he can have good things in his life. That he deserves them.

Mrs. Butters shows us that what Dean needs is to allow himself to feel joy, without expecting it to flip at a moment’s notice into feeling loss.

And yes, I realise where the episode ends, but perhaps the feeling of joy wouldn’t flip if the lesson was learned in full and Dean knew how to trust and simply let go of the undercurrent of fear that the flip is lurking somewhere just around the next bend.

What this episode shows us is that he’s just not quite there yet, but omg the threshholding is intense.

Because Mrs. Butters underlines that what Dean needs, more than anything, is to practice trust. Dean needs to practice opening up. Dean needs to practice letting go of his need for control.

He can still be in charge of a situation, without thinking it’s all on him always.

Now, the episode highlights this in a rather glorious way, by trapping him in a room, under threat, knowing Sam is about to walk into the situation, and deciding not only is he not going to call Sam for help, he’s not even going to text him a heads up.

Look. This might be a plothole here. Jeremy Adams might have been so focused on the joke of Dean not wanting to interrupt Sam’s sexy times that he didn’t realise the implactions of Dean not even sending a text to warn Sam that he was essentially heading home to a dangerous situation, yeah?

But the rather lax attitude of the brothers this episode: letting Mrs. Butters stay, and both of them neglecting the need for them to look into her backstory further, because they both got so distracted by holiday celebrations and her amazing cooking, combined with the hopscotch way they approach getting rid of her, all this is intentional enough for me to lean into the reading of Dean’s need to practice trust being explored in awesome ways.

Because Dean needs someone to take the load off, and Mrs. Butters does this in spades.

What with how she brokers zero arguments, immediately getting him to clean up his language, and I mean, Dean then defying this is a moment of awesomeness and of course we all want him to continue being midly CW foulmouthed, but for all intents and purposes, he succumbs to her chastising quickly, and she gets him to open up to the joy of the moment via holiday celebrations, and, to top it all off, she gets him to eat healthier.

The fact that she’s introduced folding his underwear, and then goes on to tell him that she wouldn’t have had to if he’d just done it right to begin with, is fairly epic. (verrryy epic) As is her giving Dean the nightshirt from Scoobynatural. Obviously! He’s wrapped in hugs! Purple hugs! And having Dean dressed in purple and eating vegetables in the same episode is enough to make one’s head explode.

*head* *ex* *ploded*

Balance. Is why my head is exploding. The purple and the vegetables are indications of growing internal balance. *yes please and thank you!*

I loved them celebrating Sam’s birthday and Dean having specific requests for his, Mrs. Butters dismissing him with how she thought he’s too old to want to celebrate. It was such a moment of reminding Dean that he’s not supposed to regress, he’s not to forget that he is, in fact, an adult, and nurturing his inner child is about letting go of the need for the childhood he never had—which is keeping him from properly having the adult life he deep down yearns for.

(and then this reminder was followed by a moment of kindness) (as there already were rice crispie treats waiting for him) (and his eager little face!) *heart eyes*

There was so much to love about Mrs. Butters, though!

Like the big bowl of crispy bacon on the breakfast table and her encouraging Sam to enjoy the world he’s fighting for, the waxing of Baby (!!), the introduction of the monster radar, finally getting the telescope—pardon me, the interdimensional geoscope—given some attention, Dean blowing a door down by using the grenade launcher (symbolically tied to self-liberation), the fixing of the TV in the Deancave (with thanks to Jeremy! he who breaketh he too shalt fixeth), the fact that Mrs. Butters is a straight-up anti-Nazi killing machine and that her violence stems directly from her need to protect her home and the people she cares about.

Yeah, there’s so much good in her that her not ending up shot, even though she tortured Sam, is not very surprising and I really enjoyed the fact that her story ended on a compassionate note of understanding, and that, if she hadn’t longed to go back to the woods, the boys would have wanted her to stick around.

Forgiveness—looking for it, or needing it— is a clear thread through this episode.

As For the Deeper Symbolism

Dean starts out cooking, wearing his new favourite garment—an apron. Now, I could tie that to Dean embracing his inner femininity and the rest of the episode working to underline this fact to us, but that’s just my reading of it, so who knows what the deal with the apron actually is. I do love it though, and it’s put in dialogue twice so we were definitely meant to make note of it.

The cooking ties him directly to Mrs. Butters, of course (or her to him, if you will) and creates a bookend for the episode, where Dean starts and ends the episode wearing the apron: first presenting Sam with a burger (meat man!) and then presenting Jack with a birthday cake.

This bookend is also tied very strongly to Jack.

Dean asks about him in the opening scene and we learn Jack is holed up in his room, the episode going from having Jack hiding himself away, ashamed and self-hating in his room, to him sitting opposite Sam, expressing concern that they’re putting all their bets on him and he’s not sure he’ll be able to kill God, Sam offering assurance and Dean, through his cake-baking and happy birthday wishes, offering forgiveness and support.

It’s awesome! Beyond awesome! It’s bloody brilliant, is what it is!

Especially when looking at the implications it holds for Dean’s inner work: his inner child starts out locked away, fearful and despairing, being brought out of that room through the kind and supportive side to his internal femininity representative, only for that representative to turn around and step into the shoes of the toxic masculinity traits that have always been the source of Dean’s self-hatred, distrust and lack of faith in himself, and once being granted honesty from the ego (Dean’s consciousness admitting that he’s trying, he’s angry, maybe always will be, but he’s trying) his inner child ends up with the ego showing that inner child how much it matters, that it’s trusted, cared for and loved.

*brains on ceiling*

Now, as mentioned briefly, the narrative gives us Dean’s inner femininity (Mrs. Butters) influenced by what is a clear toxic masculinity/Shadow character (Sinclair) and shows us why Dean is still wary of his inner child, still not entirely trusting, and it makes all the sense, especially now that the inner child has swallowed up the Shadow and incorporated it into himself.

Mrs. Butters’ mistrust of Jack becomes emblematic of Dean’s own mistrust in himself, but his inner child knows better and Jack’s continous denial of Mrs. Butters’ accusations underscores this fact. There is self-trust within Dean. Stronger than the lingering mistrust.

All of this inner work for Dean and Sam’s the one who gets tortured?

Well, I can see good reason why Sam is Mrs. Butters’ favourite and it’s to do with how he’s so closely tied to Dean’s purpose in life. Mrs. Butters is a reflection of Dean, and as she moves into Protector of the Bunker she’s also a reflection of any lingering toxic masculinity within Dean, and how it’s always been trying to find a way to sink its claws in Sam, but Sam has never bought into the toxic masculinty spiel, and because of that he’s needed in this instance, to see through the behaviour, to push for compassion, to break through the brainwashing that Mrs. Butters is under, to point out how she was used, taken out of her true nature to do someone else’s bidding.

The most thrilling part is that it’s Dean who delivers the biggest missing piece to Mrs. Butters’ puzzle: the true nature of Jack.

Because, looked at symbolically, Jack’s ability to save the world represents Dean’s inner child’s ability to save Dean.

Because if any side to Dean were to destroy/thoroughly repress his inner child, he’d be lost. He would never be able to heal.

The fact that Dean gets to be the one to do this, to talk a representative of his own inner imbalance down, makes me giddy.

He would not have been able to do this a season ago. He was barely able to do this at the beginning of this season, because he was so full of anger.

That anger, after voicing it to Cas, doesn’t hold the same sway anymore.

He freely admitted to Jack that he’s still angry, and perhaps he always will be a little angry, but he is trying, and this, to me, is enormous. He expressed his emotion and he’s in zero ways allowing that emotion to control his actions anymore.

And, hey, we got Dean, wearing purple, assuring Mrs. Butters that Jack is a good kid.

It’s just… happy happy joy joy!

And a standing ovation to Meagen Fay. She really helped make the episode compelling to watch, balancing Mrs. Butters’ homely and darling characteristics with the darker and MoL compelled Protector of the Bunker that slowly, but surely, reared its not-as-darling head. Kudos!

Right. I could write about this episode some more, because layers, but it’s time to leave off. One thing before I go, though: I loved that we finally had them talk about that big-ass telescope. And I love that it’s not a telescope, because it makes sense. They’re underground—how would they see the stars? I figured there was some sort of skylight somehow that would open or something but meh, dull. This is so much better! And I loved that the green colour of warning was actually to do with the fact that they’re now not being able to see anything through it, rather than the colour having to do exclusively with Mrs. Butters. Utterly brilliant! And… oh dear, what horrors lie ahead??

Now to go watch 15x15.

I’m not biting my nails.

At all.

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spaceorphan18 · 4 years ago

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What are your headcanons/thoughts about Blaine (by episode) during season 6 after Kurt comes back to Lima? I've read your Finding KH meta and I think you nailed your interpretation of Kurt, but I've never been able to tell what was happening in Blaine's head. Obviously, there's some complex emotions going on- anger at Kurt, a bit of longing because Kurt wanted him back, sadness when Kurt tells Blaine about his date, etc. Season 6 Klaine was very much Kurt-centric. I want to know about Blaine.

Hi! So -- this is just, wow, a thesis of a question, lol! Which is fine! But it’s not a quick answer. So, yeah, let’s have a nice long conversation about Blaine and season 6. I’ll see if I can keep it concise for everyone, lol

Pre-Season 6

So, here’s what we know -- Kurt and Blaine broke up. And, there’s an interesting parallel to the previous break up. Before -- Kurt had too much faith in the relationship, and Blaine didn’t -- hence Blaine ultimately breaking the relationship. This time, Blaine has too much faith in the relationship, and Kurt doesn’t, hence Kurt breaking the relationship.

As we see in ep. 2, this sends Blaine into a tailspin downward into a deep depression. And while that sucks, I don’t think the break up is the worst thing that could have happened to him. Because, here’s the thing. Remember back in season 4, Burt said Blaine shouldn’t be marrying an idea -- but a person? Well - part of the reason for the break up is that Blaine was holding on, maybe too tightly, to this idea that if he and Kurt got married, that would solve all his problems and they’d live in a nice little fairy tale world of perfectness.

Well, real life doesn’t work like that -- and the break up kind of pushes Blaine to see that despite his best efforts, Kurt is a person (who really really hurt him) and marriage isn’t just an idea. It also forces Blaine to deal with some inner demons that he hadn’t before. When they broke up the first time, Blaine held on to his pursuit that he could get Kurt back. This time -- Blaine is under the impression that it’s done and over. That’s it. And for the first time (ever in his adult life) Blaine is forced to face a reality that he has to function as his own person (that’s a good thing).

As we see in the flashback, Blaine’s downward spiraled into depression (something that he’s struggled with off and on throughout the series, and unlike Kurt who has bouts of situation depression, my headcanon for Blaine is that he’s dealt with a longstanding, low key depression most of the time we see him). He isn’t really able to /do/ anything for a while -- until he works his way up from it, starts to go to therapy, and starts to work on himself.

He ends up moving forwards and backwards at the same time. On the one hand, he begins changing things up, playing with his hair and wardrobe, going outside his usual norms such as dating someone like Karofsky. Meanwhile, he goes backwards in that he retreats back to Dalton -- it’s a reset (as well as narratively for the show, which is resetting back to season 2 rules). It’s a safe place for him -- the place where he last felt the happiest, and yet, it is also a place that holds him back. That’s fine, for now, as he’s using it as a place of healing. The ironic part is that this is the place where he can’t quite get rid of the ghosts of Kurt -- this is where they met, fell in love, and where Blaine proposed. No matter how hard Blaine tries - he won’t truly be over Kurt until he leaves Blaine behind. (Lucky for us, he doesn’t choose to.)

Loser Like Me

By the time we meet up with Blaine in Loser Like Me, we see that he’s doing relatively well -- more so than Kurt because he’s had a lot of time to process the break-up and work on himself. One of the things that comes out of all the therapy, and coming to terms with living without Kurt (or, really, any guy) is that he knows he can make it on his own - and that’s a good thing! And while he’s sad about how things ended with Kurt (and still very angry in the manner in which Kurt did it), he’s in a decent place.

He’s happy coaching the Warblers (even if it’s a distraction) and he’s relatively happy dating Karofsky. I made a whole post about why Blaine dates Karofsky and you can FIND IT HERE. Like everyone in this episode (notice the episode only focuses on the ‘losers’ of this show) Blaine is not at his final stop in life. The whole point of this first episode is to show everyone coming to a cross roads where they need to pick themselves up and start again so they can eventually reach the destiny they were went to be - at the end of the season.

One thing Blaine mentions in the first episode is that he was kicked out of NYADA. This is also a thing heavy on his mind, but it’s not a bad thing! NYADA was Kurt’s dream (and really a scam school) -- and in order for the two of them to be individuals in their relationship again, Blaine finding a new place to go to school -- in turn finding his own path in life -- is healthy for their relationship. It just happens to be sucky at the moment.

So, I go into the final Klaine scene a lot during the Kurt meta, but to touch upon it a little from Blaine’s side....

So, keep in mind that Rachel sets this up -- and probably doesn’t tell Blaine much as to why Kurt wants to see him. This is probably the first time Kurt and Blaine have seen each other since the break up -- and probably the first time they’ve been in contact whenever Blaine left the loft. Remember -- Blaine wasn’t just upset about the break up, he was angry that Kurt so ruthlessly and seemingly uncaringly broke his heart. There’s a lot of anger still festering there -- as much as he’s dealt with the fact that he’s on his own now, he hasn’t dealt with his leftover feelings for and about Kurt.

He’s probably of mind that Kurt’s coming to tell him how wonderful his life is now that they’re apart, and how great New York is, and how it’s better that they called off the wedding. So, Blaine’s prepped to engage in this --- bringing Karofsky is one part shield for Blaine and one part shoving him in Kurt’s face to say that he has also moved on and is “fine”. What he doesn’t expect is what actually happens.

When they meet up Kurt lays it out on the line -- he is not only seeking out Blaine’s forgiveness, but he came back to win Blaine’s heart. And Blaine is a little... whoa, what??? Cause that is not what he intended to happen. Blaine plays it cool -- because as much as his heart is probably -- yup, let’s do it -- he’s gotten hurt, too, and he’s not going to forgive Kurt so easily.

And then there’s also Karofsky to consider. He does like Karofsky, and everything is easier with Karofsky, and he can take the easy road that isn’t as satisfying, or risk his heart getting broken again with Kurt. He’s definitely not ready to take that risk. So they all go through the little charade of Karofsky being cutesy. But it doesn’t go unnoticed by Blaine how much the idea of Blaine with someone else -- especially Blaine with Karofsky -- hurts Kurt. Blaine had probably liked the idea that Kurt would not be thrilled with the idea, but actually hurting him -- Blaine doesn’t like the taste of it as much as he thought he might.

I also want to mention, probably as the night grows to a close, and Kurt and Blaine maybe have a moment alone -- this is when Kurt might retract a little and use his typical defense of -- maybe we’re better off being friends. WHICH IS TOTALLY FALSE THEY SUCK AT BEING FRIENDS -- but Blaine probably half-heartedly agrees, and they all try to move forward from it.

Homecoming

So - we play a lot of catch up with Blaine in this episode -- which I detailed more so above. A lot of this episode is Blaine with the Warbers, and helping the new student - Jane - becoming one of the Warblers. A couple of things to point out with this...

First of all... we get to see Blaine as a teacher, and how he’s a good guy, willing to put all of himself into a thing, even if it’s not going to work out (more on that in a second). We see that -- despite his thoughts that Dalton never changes, we see that it indeed does! Not only is he out of touch with this wacky group of Warblers, but he’ll be able to get them to change a tradition and let a girl into the group. Despite Blaine claiming he’s happy with his life staying the same as it is -- he’s still at a crossroads at his life, and things are going to change. Kurt coming back into town set things in motion, and whether he likes it or not, his life can’t stay the same as it was when he was back in high school.

Blaine is a bit distant to Kurt in this episode. In the beginning, he mostly ignores Kurt -- as a way to just not deal with him at all. Later on, he’s mad and frustrated that Jane has defected -- like I said earlier, he’s once again poured himself into a thing only to have it not work out. His anger that Kurt would be in on at this at all, let alone enjoying it, is him lashing out his anger over the break up that he’s still not over. (And it’s especially annoying that Kurt’s being kind and mature about the whole thing.)

We also see the emergence of sassy Blaine at the end -- Blaine isn’t going to back down and he isn’t going to play nice. And while it’s a tad on the dramatic side -- the point is, unlike whatever the hell Will has going on with Rachel, Blaine has learned to stand his ground and stand up to Kurt. And, while this thought might seem a little weird -- his pushing back against Kurt is actually a good thing! And even Kurt seems to be amused during the scene. It means that Blaine will allow himself to stand on his own two feet instead of just following whatever Kurt’s lead is. They’re getting to a place where they’re on equal footing instead of one of them seeing the other as an idyllic partner. It’s a better foundation for their later, more mature, relationship.

Meanwhile - we have Homecoming itself, where Blaine is seen cuddle up with Karofsky. It is his homecoming, too -- he did graduate from McKinley, but he does seem out of place there. Ironically, the song is about being ‘home’ -- but while everyone is literally home, they’re still on their journeys to where their real homes will be. With Rachel it’ll be New York. With Mercedes, it’ll be touring. With Kurt and Blaine, it’ll be each other. Kurt looks sadly on, but Blaine is, again, purposely ignoring Kurt and using Karofsky as his shield (and excuse) not to deal with the Kurt of it all.

I also want to take a quick second and talk about Blam! Because we don’t get a lot of it in this season. A lot of that is due to the fact that we’re playing by season 2 rules again, before Blaine and Sam were friends, and part of it is the nature that these plot lines don’t allow us to see much of it. But I do think Sam played a nice part in helping Blaine get out of his funk. Sam’s a good friend, and probably did everything he could to help Blaine on his feet again. And despite the fact that at the end of the season (reminding me a lot of how Kurt and Mercedes started to go their own way in season 2) Blaine and Sam are just on different paths. And that’s okay! I think their friendship means the world to both of them -- but they don’t need each other the way they did back in season 4. And that’s fine.

Jagged Little Tapestry

We don’t get to see Blaine much in this episode - but there’s still a little bit here for us to look into. First of all, Blaine and Kurt accidentally meet up at the sheet music store, and for a moment it’s like old times. Though - fascinatingly, they’re more adult in their interaction with each other. (I do think this entire story would make more sense set five years into the future, but I digress...) It’s funny, Blaine tried hard to play the grown up when he (and more so Kurt) weren’t ready. But there’s an easiness between them that really wasn’t there before -- they are adults now -- in these adult roles, and I think these two without the baggage of their past, would easily fall in line and in love with each other if they were meeting for the first time.

Unfortunately, the baggage named Karofsky is still around. But what is different is that Blaine doesn’t need the shield (roadblock) that is Karofsky as much as he did. Blaine feels... a little embarrassed by Karofsky now, and the more he and Kurt begin to reconcile, the less Karofsky feels like an actual option for romantic partner.

But here’s the thing -- as we see in this shared fantasy of a song, Blaine begins to look back through all his old memories of Kurt, as they haunt him as much as they haunt Kurt. There were good times, and Blaine’s beginning to remember that. There’s still a lot of pain, too, though, which is why Blaine doesn’t just ditch Karofsky right there.

So -- Blaine does the dumbest thing ever, and moves in with Karofsky. Here’s my headcanon around that... I’m guessing it’s not entirely out of the blue -- Blaine probably still lives at home, as probably so does Karofsky, and I’m sure Karofsky floated the idea out there. It’s an enticing offer to Blaine even without Kurt in the picture. He likes being in a solid relationship like that. He likes the domesticity of it. And while it’s totally playhousing again (oh Blaine), by the time Kurt comes around -- Blaine decides to move full forward with the idea.

In a way -- it’s his (bad) attempt of fully moving on from Kurt -- see Kurt, I can totally be fine without you. And Karofsky’s an easy enough partner that he’ll just go with the flow. Blaine gets his mock domestic life, and a shield against the pain of Kurt. Is it real? Not really -- if Brittany’s decorations say anything -- other than gay-diddy-gay-gay-gay, they say -- not a real home, but a mock up of one. (Did she do this on purpose? I’ll let you decide.)

The Hurt Locker pt. 1

And we get more Sassy Blaine - telling Rachel like it is. And, again, I reiterate that this is a good thing. Blaine’s still that charming, debonair guy we all know and love. But he’s not afraid to speak his mind anymore, that’s a good thing.

So -- now we get to start seeing all the cracks in the Blaine/Karofsky facade. Yes, Sue is a meddling, pain in the ass, but even without her, the fact that this is still a rebound for Blaine is still there. I truly believe that everything that happens between Kurt and Blaine would have still happened -- only at a much slower rate.

So, yeah, before we get Sue showing up at the date, we get Blaine and Karofsky chatting -- and Blaine talking about how much Karofsky has grown. Part of this is exposition to fill us viewers in as to why the fuck this even happened in the first place, but, it’s also there for Blaine to continue to convince himself that Karofsky is a decent guy whom he’s actively choosing over Kurt.

Then Sue shows up and starts making things awkward -- look, there’s all of Karofsky’s old baggage -- clearly, that’s not something they’ve talked about before. What is Karofsky getting out of this relationship? And why has he slept with half the guys in Lima? Is Karofsky even the guy Blaine’s wanting (needing) him to be? And then Sue sews the seeds that they’re related. Which... ew.

Speaking of ew, let’s take a second and talk about Blaine and Karofsky having sex! Okay, now that I’ve lost a majority of you, lol, yes, they’re definitely having it. Yes, it’s probably like a Uhaul mounting a Moped. Look - they’re both adults who enjoy sex, and Blaine definitely is going to jump head first into that kind of thing. As much as we don’t want to think about it, they have that aspect to their relationship. That said -- is it any good? Meh. It serves its purpose - but I don’t think that’s any kind of defining point in their relationship. And in fact, I’m guessing Blaine ends up liking to cuddle way more than he enjoys the sex.

Anyway.... after this disaster of a date, who does Blaine end up talking to? Kurt. Why? Because at this point -- they’ve slowly started to let each other into their lives again. I do think they’ve slowly begun to chat with each other again - though it’s about mundane things. Not the deeper aspects of their lives. No matter how hard they try, though, they can never really get that far out of each other’s orbit. At the end of the day -- Blaine and Kurt were best friends before they ever dated, and that was one of the foundations of their relationship. It’s interesting -- but something the creators (and Darren and Chris) said at the time that no matter what happens between them, they have a unbreakable bond of friendship that goes deeper than fractured romantic relationship. They are fundamentally apart of each other’s lives, and /like/ each other -- which at the end of the day -- is what truly makes their later, fully committing relationship work.

So, Blaine goes on about Sue, and unintentionally reveals the cracks in his and Karofsky’s relationship. Kurt doesn’t say it, and Blaine doesn’t fully grasp it yet, but Blaine’s complaining is more than Sue’s meddling. It’s more so the fact that Blaine and Karofsky aren’t right for each other -- and Blaine’s finally beginning to see that. Sure, maybe possibly being related a zillion generations back and the fact that Karofsky has made his rounds are pretty superficial reasons to not be with Karofsky -- but the underlying theme is that Blaine’s not ultimately happy with him. His heart, as he’s about to get a reminder, is already taken.

Kurt then - in an honest attempt at maturity, tells Blaine he’s going on a date. And Blaine is uncomfortable -- why? Because for the first time, it’s no longer about their past, or Blaine’s anger, but the reality that if they don’t try again -- maybe this really is the end of the line for them. That thought is echoed when Blaine regurgitates Kurt’s line about being friends, and being each other’s first love is special, but not everything lasts.

The sad thing is -- the subtext of the scene is how much they really want each other here, but are both trying to save face. They are trying to move past each other -- but neither is really wanting to do that, even if Blaine isn’t ready to ditch Karofsky and be back with Kurt. Blaine then gets out of there before they’re really forced to deal with feelings

An interesting thought about their physical intimacy -- back in Loser Like Me, they shared an awkward hug, one where they had muscle memory of being each other’s lovers, but remembering they were, in fact, not together. Here, it’s not as awkward, but it’s still weird. It’s a sign, though, that they are getting more comfortable with each other again.

The Hurt Locker Part 2

Where I wax poetic about an elevator....

So, the important thing... before the Sue of it all, Kurt and Blaine meet up and chat -- the thing is, as they chat, they’re warm and comfortable with each other. There’s an ease going on that wasn’t seen in earlier episodes. What changed? Well - they’re fully getting back into each other’s lives at this point. Maybe they’ve talked a lot about how insane it is to be teachers, or Rachel as a crazy person, or Will being insane with VA. Maybe Kurt told Blaine all about his date with a dude who is older than his dad, and/or Kurt helped Blaine figure out if Karofsky really was related to him. Whatever happened in that week -- these two were already clearly on their way back to each other before Sue, as seen in the friendliness before we get to the elevator.

So -- I talk a lot about the elevator in my meta for Kurt: KURT META. A lot of it transfers to Blaine, so I’m not going to go into it as much here (read the meta!) -- but mostly, the elevator is a metaphor. It’s a place where they can recreate what their issues were with each other, and a place where they can take the other path and talk things out with each other. It’s a place where they can fall back in love with each other (not that they ever fell out of it) and a place where they can discover that they can deal with each other long term. It’s something that I do believe they would have discovered on their own -- but Sue just gave them the extra push.

In addition, the kiss is formative. It reawakens that sexual desire in Blaine -- that never really left (though Kurt feared it had) but plays upon the fact that it’s not just a friendship they have (or had) but a passionate and a lust for each other as well. They’re compatible not just as friends - but as lovers as well. And having physical contact in this way reignites something that never really went away -- but creates more cracks in their attempts to move on from each other.

(There’s a lot more going on here, clothes coming off like layers being unraveled, it’s all good -- I cover it in the Kurt meta - go read it!)

So in this bizarre set up, it’s kind of like a fantasy land where they can rediscover each other outside of the baggage of reality. Once the doors open - it’s back to reality, and the clothes go back on, and they have to go back to their regular lives. But something has shifted again -- as they share a smile during the Inventational.

And as they berate Sue on her kidnapping schemes, it’s clear that they’re friends again, and comfortable with each other. (Notice Blaine touching Kurt during their last scene together? This is purposeful as that layer of intimacy they’ve gotten back. It’s so delicious.) But even more so -- Kurt mentions being over the anger and resentment of the break up. While Blaine doesn’t say it, that speaks volumes. Blaine’s no longer angry with Kurt, because he’s finally put that particular pain behind him - whoo!

What the World Needs Now

There’s really not a whole lot going on here, and that’s fine -- they’ve had a lot of the season 6 story lines so far, I’m so used to them being so in the background that this seems par for the course. (Do you see why I find Season 6 so delicious when it comes to Klaine - we get so much!) Anyway, we get a sassy comment from Mercedes about Kurt and Blaine having to deal with each other, but the thing is -- they’re already pretty cool with each other.

And then we get the end -- where Blaine shows up... without Karofsky! Cause here’s the thing. Blaine dealt with his anger towards Kurt during the whole elevator thing -- he’s no longer angry at Kurt. He’s no longer harboring the baggage he was carrying around with him. And -- because of that, he no longer needs Karofsky as a shield. He and Kurt can hang and be cool with each other, and it’s okay, Blaine finds. He can let Kurt into his heart again, because he doesn’t fear being hurt.

Transitioning

This episode is for all those people worried that Sue meddling was what got Kurt and Blaine back together. It wasn’t -- this episode is what really did it. Had Sue not meddled, what goes down here probably would have still happened in its own time. Sue just helped speed up the process.

Also messing with fate? Kurt... I mean, look at that boy rig that wheel -- singing duets are a sacred thing on Glee, and he’s not going to let the opportunity slip by.

This episode, however, is mostly from Blaine’s POV as we finally get some insight as to what’s going on in his brain. He knows Kurt is screwing around with the wheel, and he’s a bit awkward because of it -- because he knows that duet, in Glee’s symbolic world, is more than a duet. It’s a reaffirmation of what they had. It’s an indication that Kurt’s still interesting and waiting. It’s a chance for Blaine to slip out of the Karofsky-armor he’s been carrying around and see what his heart really wants.

So, Rachel’s party - a ‘transitioning’ moment in time if you will. They goof around and have fun and are probably a little relaxed from the alcohol Sam is slipping them. (I’m a little iffy about that around minors but whatever...) And then they sing a flirty duet together. And then Blaine realizes... he’s gotta go. But not without confirming something for himself.

You see -- outside, when they are alone, it’s a chance for Blaine to realize his feelings and act to act on them. He needs to find out for himself -- not being pressured into it by a sadistic puppet if he still feels all the things for Kurt. And guess what -- they kiss, and he does!! Which is why he jettisons out of there so fast. He’s on the verge of letting Kurt all the way in again, and that’s scary! And there’s also the issue of Karofsky - but more on that in a second.

I need to say this -- look, I get that this story isn’t perfect. While I adore this conversation, it does look a little too towards the past, and not enough about how far they’ve come or the future together. I do wish Glee had done just a little more than pull on nostalgia strings, but alas, that’s where fanfiction comes in, so I’ll just do that myself, lol.

So, let’s talk about Karofsky! Or more so, I’m gonna copy and paste what I put in my Kurt Meta because I’m too lazy to write it all out again:

Obviously, Kurt’s not in this scene, but I feel the need to go over it, because it does, in part, pertain to Kurt. And because I think it’s a nice scene. I’m going to give Karofsky a little bit of credit here, and say he isn’t entirely dumb. He knows Blaine’s been acting weird, and he’s known that since Kurt’s been back in town, their relationship wouldn’t last that much longer. (So then why did you move in with him, weirdo?)

Blaine’s been feeling guilty - because Karofsky turned out to be an okay guy, and Blaine had convinced himself that he really had moved on past Kurt. Well, no, everyone and Karofsky could see otherwise. And Karofsky is pretty nice about the whole thing (which I think is to show just how much Karofsky has grown, too, over the years). He’s got a whole bunch of guys ready and willing to date him. It’ll suck - but Blaine can’t change his heart and more than Kurt can. So Karofsky let’s him go.

I think one of the interesting things in this conversation, is that Karofsky tells Blaine to just tell Kurt, not sing it. And I feel like that goes with the whole growing up theme. A lot of the time, these boys have sung their emotions through song - and that’s fine, but it’s also been part of the fantasy – but part of the Klaine narrative has been a shift from fantasy to reality, and this is one of the last parts. And Blaine’s ready to take that step - to grow up and be a real boy, and be okay in his not-ever-changing feelings towards Kurt.

So - Blaine gets running and goes for Kurt. How does he know Kurt’s there? Is this just after school? Why is Walter meeting him there of all places? Idk - the set up of this scene is a little awkward when you thinking about it too much, but I’m really not supposed to. The point is – Blaine is ready to confess his love to Kurt – again. He even wears the bowtie he wore at the proposal (do you think Kurt didn’t notice that? He did). But — one awkward little thing. Kurt’s about to go on a double date with Walter, Rachel, and Sam. So Blaine – doesn’t say anything. And actually – this is a good thing for Blaine! Honestly, it is – it shows growth. He let his life be dictated by his relationship with Kurt once, and he’s going to do what he didn’t before – let go and let it be. It’s not an appropriate time for Blaine to tell Kurt that he and Karofsky broke up. But even more so, it’s also not his place to intervene in Kurt’s dating life and more than it was Kurt’s to intervene in his relationship with Karofsky. Blaine’s trying to give Kurt the space he hadn’t given Kurt before.

Kurt lingers just a little as they all head out. He knows Blaine’s lying about being there for Rachel. There’s a little bit of longing there, and a lot of concern. And oh the angst is hard core in this moment, as Blaine just stands their alone. Kurt knows and is aware that Blaine’s feeling something. He’s ready for Blaine to say something. Look, Walter does not matter (and by the sound of it, Kurt’s been talking to Walter a lot about Blaine - since Walter clearly knows who he is, and is slightly feigning politeness when Blaine shows up). But Kurt’s ditched both Chandler and Adam pretty quickly for Blaine, and he’ll do it again with Walter. Just this scene – isn’t the right time.

If you’d like to read more about why Kurt continues to go on his date with Walter: READ META HERE. And if you’d like the continued conversation as to why Kurt and Blaine didn’t get back together at /that/ second, here’s my A Wedding Meta.

A Wedding

So, here we are -- at the wedding episode which is... slightly insane of Glee, but typical really.

Blaine came a long way -- he had to work through is feelings of anger and frustration over the break up, as well as feel at peace in being his own person, to really come back together with Kurt. (Kurt has his own journey as documented elsewhere.) And, the final ball lands in Kurt’s court, Blaine’s okay with waiting. Maybe they will get back together -- maybe they won’t. But Blaine’s become okay in not only his feelings but understanding that life maybe just doesn’t work out the way you want it to.

Or sometimes it does.

We see boxes of Karofsky’s stuff in the apartment -- meaning that the playtime is over. And then Kurt comes running back into Blaine’s life again -- desperate and sure about his love for Blaine. And Blaine just... let’s it all in. He’s ready and willing to let Kurt back into his arms, and into his heart, and they fall into just as if nothing had ever happened -- except it did -- they both managed to grow up a bit and be okay with themselves enough to be secure in their relationship.

So, um, yeah -- I’ll be the first to admit that there are a few missing pieces here that I would have liked to see. Mostly -- they kind of wall paper over their previous issues with Kurt’s line of - ‘everything was a mess before but now it’s fine’. And while I can piece it all together from subtext from what we’ve seen -- it still would have been nice to actually see that conversation where they talk about being in a relationship again, and how they’re going to move forward. Alas.

That said -- I don’t think it’s insanity that they go from getting together to jumping into a marriage. (I mean - it is insane - and not some thing that I’d recommend in reality) But one of the things that I think the marriage does is solidify their commitment for each other. The ring around their finger is a reminder that they’re in this together -- and I think that gives them both a security in the relationship. Blaine’s feeling committed and good, and therefore he doesn’t get clingy, which means Kurt won’t pull away, which means Blaine won’t freak out, etc, etc -- the cycle is spinning in a good direction!

Okay, most of the stuff about the Wedding, I’ve said in the Kurt meta already (go read that, too! - or I can answer specifics, this is getting long enough, lol) The only other thing I want to mention is Blaine letting Kurt make the ultimate decision to get married. Because now that they’re happy and back on track -- Blaine’s back to being, well, the one who always wanted to be married. And he still does -- so he let’s Kurt be the one to call it -- because Kurt’s the one who said he didn’t want to be married before. But we’ve come full circle, and when push comes to shove - at the end of the day, Kurt does want to be married to Blaine.

(Oh, and here’s the part where I make the obligatory comment -- Brittany and Sue didn’t force them into this either -- they could have said no had they not wanted to.)

Child Star/The Rise and Fall of Sue Sylvester

Well, here’s the part where I joke about us not being able to see Klaine’s honeymoon, and where I lament that we really don’t get to see much of anything about Klaine’s marriage. Which is unfortunate.

But - let’s talk about Dalton burning down for a second, because I do think that’s important. Remember when Pavarotti died and Kurt was set free from Dalton? Well this is the universe (coughthewriterscough) doing a similar thing. There is no more Dalton -- no more safe place for Blaine to go -- he’s literally forced out of the cage he had built for himself. And granted, he’s on the path to leaving anyway now that he’s back with Kurt, but it’s an interesting metaphor all the same. And yeah - it’s more so about bringing Dalton and McKinley together, too -- but Blaine’s being pushed out of the nest, literally, to go off and fly away. ;)

We Built This Glee Club

There’s really not much Blaine here, either - but Kurt later confirms that Blaine has gotten accepted to NYU -- and while I really wish we could have gotten more of Blaine’s story about how he decided where and why and when he was going to go back to school, at least we get this little bit. And like I said way earlier -- this is good for Blaine. He’s got his marriage, and his life is back on track moving in a forward direction -- and NYU is a great fit for Blaine, because it’s a place where he can stand on his own, separate from Kurt.

There’s also a bit, too, a slight (literal) nod at the future - where Will talks about the future - and the idea of their future kids, and Blaine and Kurt share a knowing look.

2009/Dreams Come True

Well... here we are, at the end of the story. I’m not going to say too much (cause I’ve said too much already) but mostly -- Blaine (and Kurt) get their happily ever after. They take off New York and live their life and are successful in their own right as they expect a daughter.

The point of the entire season is to not give us fans everything we ever wanted -- but to tell a story... one about how you can be the lowest part of your life and climb your way back up, and still be happy and successful and get the ending that you’ve always wanted.

(And, unceremoniously, here’s the Kurt Meta again - which mostly gives my Blaine thoughts, too -- cause, love ya Nonny, but I’ve been writing all day, and I’m tired, lol)

And that’s... all I’ve got. I mean if you’d like to untangle something more specific, let me know! I’ll be happy to answer. Hopefully, this makes Blaine’s season 6 story just a little bit clearer. :)

#Anonymous #that's how s.o. sees it #omg this was a lot #hope you guys enjoy #i worked on this all day - someone please at least give some feedback lol

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princessamericachavez · 6 years ago

Text

Let’s talk about Fjord

This has been a long time coming, especially given how most of the fandom tends to overlook the depth of Fjord’s past and current trauma or downright vilify him for it... but I’m not here to talk salt, I’m here to talk about all the sweet little tidbits about Fjord we learned tonight in Talks.

So let’s review:

a. Fjord feels more comfortable in the City of Beasts than in the Empire/Menagerie Coast:

Now, hey, let’s take a break and consider this, yeah? Because Fjord has spent all of his life fighting and denying the “monster” side of him, to the point of self-harm. He’s crafted himself to look and act as an exemplary human (when he doesn’t even know if the non-orc part of his blood is human at all). Only in the past few months with the Mighty Nein has he started to accept himself. Letting his tusks grow —under Jester’s gentle watch— has been a huge step for him and his self-image.

And yet. When they were traveling across this other lands, we never really saw Fjord complain. He never brought up that he felt watched, that he felt judged, that he felt out of place. That’s just how good his mask is (and part of his “no one cares” mentality that we will touch in a moment).

He might not even fit in here entirely either —he’s destined to be forever a half-blood no matter where he goes— but the fact that he feels more comfortable here than he ever did before talks about just how deep-rooted his trauma is. As Travis put it “it’s having an interesting effect on him” and hopefully it will be one of further self-acceptance. We already saw him comment to himself that the stubby tusks had helped him intimidate Umanon. The very same thing that ostracized him as a child, is a powerful asset here.

b. Fjord is desperate to connect with his bloodline.

Now, we’d seen hints of this longing before. On a meta-level, there was Travis complaining that Fjord didn’t get to meet the lonely half-orc on their way North, but we’ve also had several IC hints. Consider how Fjord found an orcish tusk in Lorenzo’s bag of teeth and kept it. Think about the value he puts into family. Think about him saying, of course, Jester would want to meet her dad. Think about the weight and importance he puts in the family. Think about how set he is in reuniting families —be it Jester with her mom or Nott with her son or even Beau with her estranged parents. Think about him choosing to name himself Captain Tusktooth of all things and despite his lack of them.

The way Travis put it tonight, though, wasn’t just curiosity, it was desperation. It was the need to sit down and ask “are you a monster, for real? Am I really a monster, too?” It’s just the need to be acknowledged. It’s the need to understand what it is in his blood that has made him a target all of his life. It’s getting some damn answers for once. It’s being a part of something.

And how heartbreaking is it that his first proper encounter with his own species had to be this three drunken assholes that tried to hurt his friends and disregarded him as a weakling? And, yet, how satisfying is it that he got himself and his friends out of that problem, not by force but by outwitting them? By taking this side of him that he’s carefully crafted through his painful youth and using it to get the upper hand?

c. Fjord’s “tough love” and understanding of the world.

Listen, as much as the two previous things were sad, I think nothing broke my heart as hearing Travis talk about Fjord’s perspective of the world. It makes sense, though. Of course, it does. He grew a nobody in an orphanage where he suffered at hands of other children and was probably never aided or defended by a single caring soul. What does it do to a child, to grow knowing no one is going to come to your rescue? That no one cares? That no one will?

And then Vandran, the one person that has apparently shown Fjord the most kindness in his life, reinforcing this idea, telling him “yes, no one cares, no one is going to care about your problems, so you just deal with them and keep pushing forward”. Of course, Fjord grabbed that ideology —that already aligned with his perspective of the world— and held on to it, turned it into a shield with which he could face an uncaring world. As “tough love” as it is, Vandran gave him a tool to turn his pain and anger into a way to keep moving. Was it the most emotionally healthy advice? Probably not, but it kept Fjord alive.

We’ve seen the side effects of this attitude come and bite Fjord in the ass, though. From not sharing his Uk’otoa dreams at first because they are his problem to deal with, to taking in the responsibility to deal with Avantika and the whole pirate deal... it’s made his allies distrust him, thinking he withholds information out of shadiness rather than a sense of sole responsibility for his issues. Like, think of being sure that the M9 would not come and rescue him from the slavers. After being rescued, he tells Beau and Caleb that he did not expect them to come. Why would he. No one ever has. No one has ever cared. He tells them he expects better of himself because that’s the only person he’s ever really been able to rely on.

Until now. Until the Mighty Nein. After being rescued, he tells them that he hasn’t had many kindnesses directed at him in his life, and as much as it sounds like a “cool guy” line, really, really, really think how real that is, how much pain there was in Fjord’s shaky breathless laugh as he said it. I don’t care what anyone says or thinks, Travis is fucking BRILLIANT roleplayer that has been planting the seeds and hints of Fjord’s trauma and pain, playing the subtle long game, really thinking deeply about how his past affects him and it’s all slowly boiling to the surface and it’s perfect.

Going back to how the M9 have changed Fjord’s perspective, though, think about how much they care. They do care, and they show it, and they help, and show up, and go out of their way to help and protect Fjord in a way no one ever has before.

Jester bribing someone to get Fjord a recommendation later just because he said he wanted to get into a super fancy magic academy. Beau, Caleb, Nott and Molly risking (and giving) their lives to rescue him and the others from the slavers. They spent months out in the open see and surrounded by pirates and death threats just to help him get answers about his powers and his mentor. Jester yelling “don’t worry Fjord, you’re going to be okay!” or “I’ll protect you, Fjord!” and assuring him “I’ll heal you if you start to hurt”, keeping his secrets about his past, constantly asking about how he feels and what he wants and what he needs. My dudes (forgive me as I get momentarily shippy) but when Travis says Fjord is in awe of Jester’s light and happiness, how he’s never met anyone like her, how her light is contagious... the more we learn about the shadows in Fjord’s past, the more apparent it becomes how significant her light is to him (platonically or otherwise)

And speaking of light, fourth and final matter

d. Fjord is looking for an out.

And not just any out. Fjord is looking for a higher power to help him stop Uk’otoa or, at the very least, break his connection to the serpent.

And here is where I throw a huge HAH to anyone who claimed Fjord to be evil, shady, power-hungry or willing to betray everyone or some shit.

My guys, Fjord is willing to give up the very power that —for the first time in his life— has allowed him to defend himself and those he loves, just to do the right thing. Fjord is actively thinking of ways to fix his situation. Fjord is step by step turning his back on the dark promise of rewards and reaching for the light like a drowning man.

How will that look, you ask? Well, Travis did bring up a significant word tonight: Paladin.

From a purely ttrpg point of view, all Fjord needs to multiclass to Paladin is a couple extra strength points that he could easily get the next time he can up his stats.

From a narrative point of view, though, how wonderful would it be? This boy, this man, who grew up being shunned, hated, attacked, disregarded as a monstrosity... This kid who everyone called an evil shady monster, who people distrust on sight, who didn’t think himself important enough to be helped by anyone...

I would KILL for paladin Fjord. Like, shutting up every single person (in and out of game) that called him evil or a monster by becoming a god's champion, a paragon of good, literal knight in shining armor, tusks and all. TUSKS AND ALL.

Jester seeing Fjord in full armor, shining like the sun with a light of his own, blessed by a deity of his own, tall and proud... and her just being filled with pride, telling him “see, Fjord? I told you, you’re just like a knight in shining armor!”

I’m curious as to which god Fjord would choose to follow, though.

The Wildmother might seem like a far fit given how different Caduceus’s approach to, well, everything is to Fjord, but reading up on her she’s “the goddess of wilderness and the sea. She watches over nature, good harvest, grants protection from washing away in storms, guides the passage of ships, and protects smaller folk” which seems like SUPER fitting given Fjord’s backstory.

The Moonweaver would be an interesting nod to Molly’s faith, but also a good fit to Fjord’s tendencies towards hiding his true self behind a perfect mask since she “is a chaotic good deity of moonlight and the autumn season, as well as the patron of illusions and misdirection [...] she is largely considered to be the deity of love and protector of the trysts of lovers. Those who work in secrecy and trickery often ask for her blessing.” (also Fjord needs all the luck in love he can get)

The Changebringer is an interesting option too, I think, since she “is the goddess of freedom, trade, travel, and adventure. She encourages her followers to venture into the unknown” and we all know how curious and impulsive Fjord can be, it’d be fun for him to have a deity that encourages his thirst for adventure now that he’s enjoying his new life and getting to know and do more than he ever dreamed.

The Stormlord is a weird mix since he’s the god of war and fighting but also worshipped by sailors of the Menagerie Coast, which Fjord could feel closer too.

(also either the Stormlord or the Wildmother might have some kind of direct interest in Uk’otoa not rising again, so they seem likely to help)

I —for one— would love to see Fjord as a paladin of the Traveler, just because the idea is hilarious and I have no idea how it would work.

Either way, though, Fjord has a super interesting road ahead. His past and present are coming to the surface and this arc his subtly giving us a lot of what will shape his future.

Tl;dr: Fjord is a good boy who has suffered a lot and I will fight the next person that calls him evil.

#fjord #travis willingham #talks machina #meta #critical role #sofia's nonsense #a little bit of #fjorester #too

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bellamygateoldblog · 5 years ago

Note

the 100 ofc!

— this gets a little rant-y and may or may not be coherent- currently pulling an all-nighter and it’s literally 5am- that’s it. That’s my excuse.

all time favourite character

IDK man IDK…I wanna say Jasper, maybe Raven

a character I didn’t used to like but do now

I’ll stick Octavia in this one. I actually did like her at first, then i didn’t then i did then i didn’t then i

a character i used to like but now don’t

[ insert every single character here ] Clarke and Bellamy. Clarke lost me very early season 3 and Bellamy is dead to me as of season 6. I’m throwing Miller in here- when he was that delinquent that wears the beanie I could go for that, but now i’m just straight up annoyed by his presence and want him to go away forever. My reluctant liking of Abby turned sour pretty fast, too. Arming a group of children and sending them out into a warzone to find your daughter, then abandoning them once she’s back is really SOMETHING. And hitting Raven while she’s acting Chancellor…i should beat your ass, Abby

a character i’m indifferent about

Wells: poor treatment of MoC and very valid anger aside, truely I don’t see the facination and borderline obsession fandom has with the character himself- he barely existed. Are you all in love with the idea of him, rather? Or the guy from the book? He was literally in this thing for three episodes, we never actually knew him, nor was he even given the chance to develop or have any sort of story. I see so so much hate about Echo and her lack of development and yet in the same breath y’all are talking about missing Wells and oh what a wonderful character he was. Spare me. He was a character full to the brim with potential and unfortunately that’s all he’ll ever be.

Anya and Lexa, too. I don’t really have opinions formed on either of them, nor do I really care to

a character who deserved better

I mean with that minor Wells rant aside and half a step into my hypocrisy boots…Wells did. Lol. I think he absolutely deserved better than to be killed off in order to push a white woman’s story forwards. I think he deserved better than to have been all about Clarke, his entire character about serving her character, even in death. This show has a history of criminally underusing/sideling/killing their most compelling characters, i think Wells would’ve been such a fun addition to the main band, i wonder how his personality would’ve expanded, what could his arcs have looked like? i think about how his dynamics would form and fair, what might he think of Clarke now?

Jasper deserved better than to have become a nihilist’s wet dream. I have mixed feelings about the whole thing, i really do. The creators, some of the fans even, chat about how it’s a gritty reality, sometimes it’s just Like That, and in some ways that’s absolutely right, but in a show of such loss to have this bleak ending for a character like this is just…a bit of an overkill? What’s wrong with hopeful endings? I mean we literally already had a similar scenario occur with Luna a mere episode(s) before. A woman who strives for nothing more than peace loses her faith in humanity and so fights for death. Why they felt the need to kick a dead horse by doing the same thing with Jasper is beyond me.

Listen many character have demonstrated suicidal tendancies at some point or another: Clarke, Murphy, Bellamy, Octavia, Harper and so on, but Jasper is the only one that gets the actual suicide? The character who’s canon mental illness has been more on the explicit and expressed side, the first victim of the ground, the very character who we’ve watched struggle his way through four seasons with an inconsistent or otherwise absent support system, his story ended with suicide. It’s devastating and, frankly, disrespectful. As if he was too far gone to find his way back into the light.

We saw clearly Monty’s reactions to Jasper’s death, but we didn’t see him grieve- he was busy rushing to survive the end of the world. This show loves sidestepping the consiquences of big events they write- there’s always a new threat to face which means everyone gets to move on abnormally quickly. Nobody asked about Jasper in Becca’s lab, we never actually saw anyone except for Clarke find out about this, nobody in the bunker either, not Octavia, and no mentions of Jasper in season five besides Monty begging him to be wrong about humanity. This show isn’t great with handling their deceased either. They want to focus on a fresh plot and not be stuck dragging around that dead weight. Finn isn’t mentioned in relation to Raven despite his importance to her story and of the fact this specific death shook the whole show. Wells’ has been removed from memory despite Clarke being the protagonist who we should know most intimately. I feel most detached from her, honestly. We’ve had a fair amount of Lincoln, though, and a consistantly aggressive reaffirmal of Lexa’s existence. But Jasper just isn’t here. He isn’t talked about. Jasper suffered, and Monty was right there in front of him trying to hand him that peaceful life he always dreamed of, ready to lift him (literally) out of that pain, and he died. Harper got to change her mind last minute, so did Raven, but not Jasper, no, his body went up in flames with the rest of it. The way they filmed the scene was gut-wrenching because of the hopelessness and coldness of it all. And i think he deserved to be spacekru, to heal somewhat up there, and oh what fun would he have been in season five. What would he be like now? What would he think of what became of everyone else? Of Clarke and of Octavia? Again, such wasted potential.

Jasper was one of The 100 on a show named after them, his death brought that to 4, and i can’t emphasise to you enough how big a mistake it was to craft a show around a certain group of people and then abandon that idea entirely. Your show is named something that it isn’t even about!!

Lexa deserved a more respectful death.

Bellamy deserved better than to be murdered brutally by the writers during season 6.

a ship i’ve never been able to get into

Bellarke. Braven. Murven. Clexa. Wicken/Ravick(?). Octabriel. Kabby

a ship i’ve never been able to get over

Becho. Memori. Jasper and Octavia were very sweet

a cute, low-key ship

Linctavia. It was always more of a background ‘ship’ for me. And Marper!

an unpopular ship but i still enjoyed it

Becho and Murphamy

a ship that was totally wrong and never should’ve happened

Flarke

my favourite storyline/moment

favourite storyline(s): delinquents finding a way to live on the ground and mount weather!

Favourite moment: i don’t think i have one TBH

my first thoughts on the show

It was exactly what i was looking for; a post-apoc teen drama, a little corny, a little gritty. I enjoyed season 1, and then 2, but with the constantly rising stakes to absolutely obscene levels eventually, my interest dwindled. By season 4 there was an almost desolate feeling and all the potential this had was dead and buried. They could’ve gone so many ways, done so much more, but for reasons unknown they chose possibly the weirdest and least interesting route available. I really thought they’d exhausted all their story by the end of 4 and i was, of course, absolutely correct since s5 was…more of the same…a literal recycled storyline that had been done not once but twice before it. In season 1 and then again in season 2. Since joining tumblr and fandom and seeing things from a various new angles, reading of social implications and meta on how sections of the writing are flawed, i’ve crafted a more informed and complex opinion than i had as a casual viewer and now see most aspects of the show in a completely different light.

my thoughts now

I’m over it. I think it could be safe to say i hate what it became. Most of my opinions of it now are negative, or at the very least have a critical component to them. I haven’t genuienly enjoyed it since season four and it hasn’t been actually decent since season two. It has a lot of deeper issues engrained into it’s writing, and there was a before when you could criticise those choices and obvious flaws and still be able to enjoy the show as it’s own entity because it existed as one at that time. But now it feels like an empty shell void of all life. With how broken and goofy the writing has become i just can’t take it seriously anymore. Characterisation and consistency have been thrown out in favour of serving the plot many many times before, but season 6 brought this to a whole new low. Dialogue was clumsy and there was a LOT of information dumping, it focused much too heavily on new characters nobody cared about, things were swinging from one extreme to another in terms of character arcs (see: Octavia’s full redemption and transformation basically overnight, and Bellamy switching from set to commit genocide in Clarke’s honour and ‘[we let these people die because] it’s not my fault their delusional’ to ‘let’s do better for Monty i am suddenly King of morality’) and in relationships (see: Bellamy instantly forgiving Clarke and then abandoning everyone and everything to save her, meanwhile he’s demonising Octavia like he’s getting paid for it). The characters just aren’t people anymore, they’re wheels that move the plot forward (in any way that’s required regardless of whether or not it’s actually in line with canon), and let’s not even talk about the science that pushes the envelope too far and Clarke’s insane plot armour. I’ve beaten this rant to death at this point so I won’t get any more into it. But just know: what was once a genuine fondness of this show has turned poisonous since.

#the 100 #rosie tag: share with the group #tw suicide #anti tag: clarke griffin #the 100: we ask we answer #the100meta

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minaminokyoko · 6 years ago

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Avengers Endgame: A (Late, Incredibly Long) Spoilertastic Review

Well, it’s done.

I did it. We did it. We all watched the original lineup of Avengers’ stories come to its end.

So what did I think?

It was phenomenal. A worthy ending to a more than worthy series of films and stories.

There are just so many things to go over and so many points to hit that I have to warn you this review is likely going to be just as long as Endgame’s running time, so strap in.

Overall Grade: A-

Naturally, spoilers below.

I’m taking a note from a friend of mine and have decided that due to the film’s epic length and its history, the best way to tackle my reactions is first per character, and then I can evaluate things like plot and story and action. Just a heads’ up. So here we go.

Tony

Christ. I…wow, where do I even start?

There’s just so much to talk about with this movie and the arc that Tony Stark has been fulfilling since his first film. I almost don’t know how I can even put into words what I feel for this character. Tony came to us as this swaggering, arrogant diva, and yet the first Iron Man breaks him down to his core character. Tony Stark is a man with everything and nothing. He has the looks, the intelligence, and the resources to have everything a person could want, and yet he has no family and no deep connections with others aside from Rhodey and Pepper when it all starts. The core of the MCU was very cleverly built around the theme of Tony’s heart, and that’s perhaps why so many of us are devastated to know his fate. We all saw it coming. There was sadly no other way Tony’s story would pan out if we wanted to stick to his full arc. Tony could not rest until he knew the universe would be safe, and he made sure it would be before he left us. His legacy is incredible. It’s so…hell, to use a bad pun, heartwarming.

I guess the best thing to do in order for me to not just recap every amazing thing he’s done since Iron Man is to recap moments in Endgame for Tony that leapt out at me as exceptional:

-The intro with Tony playing paper football with Nebula. Stab me in the heart. That was so cute. It’s so very like Tony to try and keep her strong and keep her spirits up when they were literally staring death in the face. It was unexpectedly adorable, and even without us having seen the days they spent together, you could tell that Tony treated her in a mature-ish fashion and that’s why Nebula appeared to be affectionate, or at the very least, respectful towards him when she is usually very distant. You could tell they totally depended on each other and it was an important partnership. I was very, very touched when she scooped him up and put him in the seat when they were approaching their final day together. It’s such a powerful thing to see how far Tony has come, through the lens of Nebula showing such compassion for him even in such a short amount of time. I love how the Russos are so good at conveying thoughts and emotions and story without saying it outright. It’s an amazing skill in filmmaking.

-Tony’s arrival back to earth, and his confrontation with the Avengers. Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow. My fucking feelings, y’all. Christ. I mean, the Russos already know how to gut-punch you and then kick you when you’re down, but Tony’s complete and utter break down still hurts like a mother. It’s just so raw and emotional, and it should be that way after a loss on this kind of scale. What really tipped me over into choking down frustrated tears was that Tony just looks at Cap desperately when he stumbles off that ship and says in this broken voice, “I lost the kid.” He can’t even bear to say Peter Parker’s name. The shame and loss and guilt is too much for him to say his little Spider Son’s name. Oh, fuck you, Russo brothers.

And then the team being in utter shambles over losing to Thanos, all of them just barely holding it together, and then Tony just shatters. He’s home and he’s with family, but he can’t get over this kind of failure. What really tears it is him going after Steve so viciously, and it’s so complex. He’s angry at himself, and he chooses to direct that anger at Cap because we all know Tony took it as a personal loss, as all of them did, that he couldn’t stop Thanos even though he literally gave it everything. He gave every last bit, every last drop, of effort, and he couldn’t stop Thanos. It just hurts. And the resentment that was already between Cap and Tony after Civil War is still clearly there, so the entire scene is just like being dragged naked over broken glass. RDJ and Evans’ acting here is some of the best of the entire series in this scene. It sets the stage and reminds us of the stakes amazingly well.

-Tony’s post Snap life, and his interactions with his family. All of us Tony stans called it that Tony would be a phenomenal father. He’s already shown us that he can be the right amount of strict and caring, and everything with Morgan is exactly what I dreamt it would be. I could rewatch the scenes with Tony and Morgan a thousand times. People can shit on Tony all they want and I will never listen to them, because it’s so apparent how much and how deeply he cares in scenes like this. Where he confronts Pepper after he figures out the time heist equation. Years ago, Tony may have lied to her or made a decision without consulting her, but Tony has grown as a person and he approaches his wife with one of the most important things he will ever do in his life and he asks for her opinion before he does anything. It’s such a good comparison to how he used to be. Tony’s heart is so huge in this whole sequence. It’s such a good representation of his internal battle between doing what is right for everyone and doing what is right for him.

-Tony and Cap’s reconciliation. Oh, my heart. I love how Tony approaches it in such a Tony sort of way, forgiving Cap and agreeing to move past their resentment for what happened in Civil War. I like that it was done in a brisk sort of way, and that a lot of the power in the scene comes from RDJ and Evans’ facial expressions. Really, these two act off of each other so well that part of why we’re all crying so hard about this movie is the horrible knowledge that we don’t get to see them act opposite each other in this context. I pray they stay friends in real life, and I would love to see them reunited on screen someday. It’s such a great relationship and it’s at the core of why this is such a great film series.

-The New York heist. Oh God. I can’t wait for them to tell us if the comment about Cap’s ass was in the script or if it was an improvised line by RDJ or Paul Rudd. It is by far one of the funniest things ever to happen in the MCU. Dear God, I was howling. The best part is that during the premiere we were all laughing so hard that I missed Cap’s initial reply, which was, “No one’s asking you to look, Tony.” Christ, I can’t deal. I know it’s straight up Stony pandering but I don’t give a fuck, it was hilarious. And it’s a very meta joke since Chris Evans’ gorgeous, flawless body is a meme thanks to his Dorito proportions (if you haven’t seen that yet, oh god, please look it up) and the fact that he has an absolutely phenomenal ass, especially for a white guy from Boston. Anyway, Tony and Scott’s whole interaction was perfect, and I loved how the scene went and how it led into the next one.

-The army base heist. Tony running into his father was such a good twist. I absolutely did not see that coming, but it was a really welcome conversation to give Tony closure. He’s felt so guilty for how he left things with them, and it was so touching to see him get a second chance at it, even if Howard was none the wiser. I really hadn’t expected anything like that, but it worked well with Tony’s arc and I thought it was very sweet.

-Tony’s reaction to seeing his baby boy, his little Spider Son, running up to him. My God. This was everything. I am a hardcore supporter of the Iron Dad and Spider Son dynamic, and this was the reunion I so sorely needed after the sick, demented, painful scene that was the final moments in Infinity War. Like the rest of you, the level of trauma that hit me when Peter Parker died is just…hell, infinite. The pain was just infinite. I both love and hate Tom Holland and RDJ for doing that shit to us. I did not know I could cry that hard about a fictional character, but I openly wept to the point of sobbing when Peter Parker died in IW, and to see him back in this scene was so wonderful. In my second viewing, the audience actually clapped when Peter swung through the portal, and that was quite sweet for me to experience. But back to the point: once again, I have to simply compliment RDJ’s acting. This is why we love him so much. It’s not even about the big, loud moments. His acting is so precise that the flurry of emotional expressions that Tony went through when his tiny son helped him up and started excitedly babbling to him about being dead, of all things, and then Tony just doesn’t even interrupt him, he just walks forward and pulls that little boy into his arms and holds him tightly in a hug and it’s just…wow. This is some spectacular acting on both their parts, and it heals a really wounded part of my heart, even though the next scene I talk about just breaks it all over again. Plus, at the time I wrote this review, the Spider-Man: Far From Home full trailer just dropped and (SPOILER ALERT) the opening scene is Peter Parker and Happy mourning Tony and I just feel like someone hammered a stake into my chest. This scene is so fantastic. It’s just another reminder of how damn much Tony Stark cares about the people around him and that he has an actual family now, and that’s why the next scene is possibly the saddest one of all.

-Tony’s death. Like Loki’s untimely demise, I knew this was coming from years and years of being a writer. Based on the track for his character arc and because RDJ announced this is his final official performance as the character, I knew Tony was going to die. There was no way around it. His determination to save everyone and correct the wrong done to the universe by Thanos would drive him past his limits and cause him to sacrifice it all. It’s just…man. I wish it had ended differently for him. Anyone who follows me on Tumblr knows that I tag all Iron Man posts with “we stan Tony Stark in this house” and that is how I feel. While Tony is not my favorite Avenger, I will stand up for him all day, err day. Tony Stark is the epitome of the human spirit, and in a different way than Cap, if you ask me. Tony is all of the dark and seedy parts, but also the defiance and the self-deprecation and the obsession and the power of the human spirit. He has so many vices and yet so many virtues. He cares to a fault. He blames himself to a fault. He has come so far after that brutal conversation in Avengers when Cap accuses him of not being the man to lay down on the razor wire and let the other guy crawl over you. He made the ultimate sacrifice play. As much as I reject the idea, we all knew it had to be him. It had to be. Because at the end of the day, Tony’s need to make his family safe was more precious to him than his own life. He gave up a future with his loved ones to make sure Thanos could never hurt them again. And all of it was capped off with a line that will probably haunt me forever, of Pepper’s soft, forgiving goodbye, “You can rest.”

-Tony’s farewell message to his family. Want to know something crazy? I cried so hard at the premiere. So hard. I was almost dry heaving with how hard I cried at Tony’s funeral. But then I had a week of time and I saw it again this past Sunday. I was choked up during his death but I didn’t shed actual tears this time until “I love you 3000.” Somehow, it didn’t hit me until the second time how they filmed Tony’s goodbye to us. They shot it in such a way that as he leans down to turn off the recording, he’s actually looking at us. Not directly into the camera, but so close to it that it finally hit me that this was RDJ’s goodbye and thank you to the fans. It was so touching and sincere that I finally broke down and actually cried again. What truly hurts is knowing that his loved ones have to be without him, and even though his sacrifice means everything, he is going to leave behind such a void. Even with his problems and his flaws, Tony was a damn good man and he was the right choice to begin this epic series. I can’t express how much I am going to miss him and how much I am going to miss RDJ in this shared universe. He’s so charismatic and wonderful and complex. It was not only a comeback for Tony Stark, but a comeback for a very troubled man, and it’s come full circle that Tony had a loving family just as RDJ has a loving family after his checkered past. To be honest, I’m likely going to do as I did for Loki and have a cutoff point in my brain for the MCU, where I don’t accept what happened because it’s too painful. I just pretend that nothing happened after that hug with Peter Parker and they all won the day and no one died. That’s just how it’s gotta be for me to survive a post Endgame world.

Thank you, Tony. You gave everything. I love you now and always.

Thor

-Thor executing Thanos. Standing. Fucking. Ovation. Right, so, I know that Thor probably should not have outright killed Thanos before they had more information, but at the same time, there was nothing more to get out of that son of a bitch and I clapped when Thor swung Stormbreaker and lopped that mo’fo’s head clean off, and I flipped off Thanos’ corpse with both fingers. Good boy. He told you he’d kill you, and he killed you, you sorry bastard. A+++

-Thor’s depression and weight gain. Alright. *rolls up sleeves* Time to make some enemies. I think Fat!Thor is a great idea, but the execution could have been done better. I recognize writing tricks when I see them, and Fat!Thor seems to be two ideas in one, and one of them is what is bothering the semi-reasonable part of the fandom. What I’ll do is explain my take on both parts of the overall idea.

(1) Thor’s depression at his failure (at the time) to reverse the Snap and save everyone is 100% accurate, in character, and is damn good writing. Thor has never actually full-on failed at anything in his life. The closest he has come is between being cast out in the first Thor movie for being irrational and cruel, and in Ragnarok where he had to let Surtur destroy Asgard in order to save his people. Even then, Thor lost battles, not the overall war. Therefore, Thor does not understand how to process failure. Yes, he also failed to save his mother, but at the same time, it’s not a failure on this level. He lost Frigga, Loki, the Warriors Three, and Heimdall, but this was literally trillions of lives that he feels were weighed on his shoulders, and his shoulders alone, even though as Rocket pointed out, losing the war was the fault of a LOT of people, not just Thor (and not Starlord either, you bunch of whiny hypocrites in the fandom, ugh). So becoming an alcoholic and giving up on his life as a hero is definitely how Thor would handle things. Think about it. He no longer has any guidance from his family, or his best friend, since they died. All he has is his Avengers family and Valkyrie. I’m sure the Avengers tried to talk him out of it to no avail, and that’s a really sad thing to know, that they couldn’t get him out of his depression spiral, so they let him wallow in it. As for Valkyrie, she’s still just barely recovered from her own trauma, and I am sure she probably tried to snap him out of it too, but he was too stubborn to listen. What I like about this point for his character is that Thor is right—he has always been expected to be “worthy” and to be the savior. Thor is the big gun on the team alongside the Hulk. He has always been the bravest, the noblest, and the most powerful person on the team, and he is expected as a king to win the day every time. But he lost. And he can’t reconcile it since he has always triumphed in the end. So it’s very understandable for him to lose control and just want to have nothing to do with the hero business, because if you fail once, you can fail again, and he couldn’t bear the thought of failing again, not after it cost him literally everything.

(2) Fat!Thor was an easy source of cheap laughs to keep the mood from getting too dark considering the subject matter handled in this movie. I am of two minds about this issue. On the one hand, I can see why certain people feel that this is fat shaming. It is. But the problem stems from the fact that the fat shaming is still a large part of American culture, and people have not broken the bad habit yet, and so it gets shifted into the easy laughs category. The easy laughs are for the Average Joe viewer. It’s for people who aren’t as conscious of how it sounds to mock him for his weight gain who are just used to “ha ha, fat person jokes.” Some fans felt uncomfortable that he was the butt of a few jokes because a lot of us who suffer from depression know that this is in fact a side effect. When you’re depressed, it’s easy to stress eat and overeat, and you lean heavily towards comfort foods that cause you to gain weight, and your depression makes you tired, so you also don’t exercise and that’s how you can end up overweight. On the other hand, while I agree with these folks about not liking the fat jokes, I also think it was necessary to show a character we all admire falling into the same pitfalls that we as mere Midgardians deal with on a daily basis. I don’t like the jokes, but I do like Fat!Thor’s inclusion in this story because people need to realize what depression does to a person. It shouldn’t have been handled this way, but from a strictly observer perspective, I understand why they went for the low hanging fruit. People needed to laugh since Endgame has very, very dark elements to it. I would have preferred they approach his weight gain in a more dignified fashion, but not every part of this movie was written for me and I sadly have to accept it. That’s my feelings on it.

-Thor’s encounter with Frigga on Asgard. I. FREAKING. LOVE. THIS. I did not see it coming, and I love it with every fiber of my being. This is such a heartwarming scene. I want to rewatch it a thousand times. I love Frigga immediately knowing what’s up (she’s not stupid and of course she noticed and it’s everything to me) and I love that she can clearly see how distraught her beautiful son has become. I love Thor having a panic attack, because that’s extremely realistic after he’s gone so long not having done any hero work, per se, and having to face his previous failed relationship with Jane, and with facing the day his mother died again. It’s really compelling writing. Frigga’s gentle reassurance is exactly what he needed, and it’s exactly what we needed to see him go through. He had to let go of the expectations piled upon him and accept himself for who he is, not who he needs to be as a warrior king and an Avenger. While I do wish they had gone on to show us a little more of who he considers himself to be instead of who he is supposed to be, I am really excited to hear Chris Hemsworth is one of the Avengers who has chosen to stay past the end of Phase Three. He’s young and funny and vibrant and I think Thor is his best role of his career anyhow (no offense meant, Hems, if you ever read this, you handsome golden retriever, you). I think exploring Thor’s personal goals and future will be very interesting.

-Thor’s reaction to Natasha’s death. This is a very small moment, but I actually like it a lot. I like that Thor’s optimism here is a form of denial. I like it because there are certain Avengers who despite the 11 year saga have not interacted with each other much, and Thor and Nat are probably my leading example. When it hit him that they couldn’t use the time stone to bring her back, the loss and devastation on his face almost made up for the fact that Thor and Nat have almost no lines with each other in the film series. I like it because it hurts and because it shows that she does matter to him, even though they don’t interact. It’s a nice detail to include since I was often a little sad I never got to see these two have dialogues. I personally have even written a bit of fanfiction about what their relationship could have been like, and I think it could have been sort of brother-sisterly. It’s a shame we won’t get to see it, but I like that it is given attention here at last.

-Thor wanting to undo the Snap. Yes. This is a very good character beat for him. Again, I agree it’s annoying he ends up getting another fat joke thrown at him (nice work, Rhodey, sheesh, it’s not like the poor guy was traumatized or anything), I like that Tony talks him down. I like that Tony doesn’t think he can’t do it, he’s worried that Thor is in so much pain that he shouldn’t try to make such a rash decision that could cost him his life. Tony seemed dismissive, but I think he was trying to protect his friend more than anything else. I think Tony also knew that it would be rough if Thor either died or became permanently crippled by undoing the Snap. Being able to fight is extremely important to Thor, even with his depression, because Thor is essentially a space Viking. It shows that Tony is aware that Thor’s not just bumbling around as a chubby drunk, but he’s legitimately in pain and he needs to take things slower.

-Thor giving Valkyrie the throne. First off, I need to sling salt at the freaking part of the Thorkyrie fandom that is somehow complaining about this scene. Are you kidding me? What movie did you watch? This is the ultimate freaking Thorkyrie scene, you bunch of whiny nincompoops! Thor literally gave Valkyrie the throne because she is so smart, powerful, and kind that he trusted her to take care of the people he loves with all his heart. The amount of trust and respect that is in this scene makes me want to just squeal for hours. I can’t handle how affectionate and reverent Thor is as he gives Valkyrie the throne. I love the long gaze they share. I love the handshake. I love that Val asks when she’ll see him again. I love that Thor has faith in her and how she will lead his people. Anyone bitching that this is an anti-Thorkyrie scene did not see the same movie we did, and you can all piss off. I love this scene to my core. I love seeing Valkyrie being assured to be a relevant part of Thor’s story and that it likely means Tessa Thompson is going to join us again for either Thor 4 or Guardians of the Galaxy 3. I am a giant freaking fan of her character and I can’t scream “SIGN ME THE FUCK UP” loud enough for her to be in future films with him, and with the MCU in general. I hope she signed a three movie deal or more. That would be amazing. But anyway, my point is, this scene is fantastic and I will be rewinding it a lot when this movie gets to DVD. Nothing makes me happier than Thor shooting heart-eyes at Val, and he was shooting them so hard in this scene that he even took his sunglasses off. God bless this scene.

-Asgardians of the Galaxy. I DON’T KNOW WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN WITH THIS BUT I LOVE IT WITH MY ENTIRE FUCKING SOUL YOU GUYS. Everything about Thor hanging out with the Guardians makes me so incredibly happy. I can’t wait for shenanigans. I would assume the plot of the next one is finding Gamora and bringing her home and re-teaching her about her family and falling in love with Quill again, but who knows what wackiness awaits us? I can’t deal with Thor being a little shit to Quill. I could see his Hemsworth peeking through, and I am here for it. Half the reason we all love Thor as much as we do is that Taika was one of the first people to suggest letting Hems be more like himself, and Chris Hemsworth is basically a giant, hilarious puppy, and it really made Thor more fun and likable. Don’t get me wrong—I loved my noble prince, but he was still a big golden retriever even when he was more Shakespearean and all they truly did was dial it up to be a bigger part of his personality.

Really, I like what Thor went through in Endgame and how it connects with lots of elements in previous movies. While parts could have been done better, I thought it was fantastic and it shook things up in a way that should be quite intriguing for his future appearances. Of everyone, Thor is the character I am most excited to learn about continuing to be in the MCU.

Natasha

-Natasha taking a leadership role in the Post Snap years, and her conversation with Steve. Anyone who knows me knows that I am a die-hard Captasha shipper, but more than that, I think the friendship and love (platonic or otherwise) between Nat and Steve is by far one of the best relationships in the Avengers saga. I love how it began, how it developed, and where it is when we watch this scene of them together. I love how soft and gentle Steve is with her, and yet he teases her in this subtle way that’s almost like a verbal hug. Steve is just so compassionate and conscious of her emotional needs, the same as how she has been with him. I think this is such a precious relationship and it’s vital to both of them that they have someone to confide in when times are hard. It’s possibly even more beautiful because they aren’t canonically together as a couple; they’re just two friends who have bonded and been partners ever since The Winter Soldier, and they without a doubt love each other. (Side note: and I am not alone in this because Chris Evans even ships it, and that makes me so very pleased.) I gobble up all Captasha scenes, honestly, because it’s so well written and it’s come a long way from the first time they met in Avengers. But to get a little more in depth, Nat’s brief breakdown about Clint is really something else. Seeing her struggle with the idea that the man she loves (again, platonically) has become a monster, and struggling with the idea that she should move on but she can’t because she’s lost her family, is really damn hard to watch, but it’s necessary. It’s a really good reflection of the level of loss and trauma and pain our poor Avengers have had to deal with since the Snap. It’s an excellent scene.

-Nat going after Clint to bring him home once they figure out that the time heist is at least possible. Ow. This is another scene that is a big kick in the nuts. “Don’t. Don’t give me hope.” “I’m sorry I couldn’t give it to you sooner.” Bury me, this is such a good, quiet little scene for her. I really like their friendship and their bond. When Nat mentions family in the previous scene, this is what she’s talking about, and I love how Endgame might be the first film to openly acknowledge that the Avengers are family to each other. And what I like is that this series has earned that. Nothing makes me angrier than when people drop the F-bomb where it is NOT deserved. (*side eyes Suicide Squad and Deadpool 2*) The Avengers have fought and bled for each other, have supported each other, and have loved each other through hell and back, and they ARE a family. Bringing Clint home was a big deal to her, facing her fears of what he’s become, but seeing that he is still somewhat the man she knows and loves because he does return to the fold in the end.

-Natasha’s death. Hoo boy. Okay, so like Tony and Loki, I might just stick this in my Denial category. I was hit with a huge wave of “oh no, please no” when I found out Clint and Nat would be the ones going to retrieve the Soul Stone, because of course it had to be them. However, it was thematically the right choice for it to be Clint and Nat, since I personally think the only other combination it could have been was Steve and Tony or Steve and Nat in terms of “give up that which you love” that the Red Skull illuminated is the price for the stone. I think all the team members genuinely care for each other, but if I wanted to use the word love, yes, I’d say it comes down to members of the team who truly love one another, it’s Tony and Steve, Clint and Nat, and Nat and Steve. So I am in a very weird place about Nat’s death in this movie.

First off, I love how it was handled because it couldn’t have gone any other way. Of course both of them wanted to jump on this grenade for each other. Of course they both think they are the unworthy one who should die for the other person they love. Of course they fought over it.

Here's the thing, though: from a writing standpoint, it did need to be Natasha.

And before we go further, let’s address the elephant in the room fandom-wise: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, YOU MORONS, THIS IS NOT THE ‘STUFFED IN THE FRIDGE’ TROPE. God, I hate you sometimes, MCU fandom. I knew as soon as she sacrificed herself that all the fake feminists would run into the streets and climb onto their soapboxes and try to call the Fridge trope. Shut up. It’s not a Fridge.

For those not familiar with the trope, Stuffed in the Fridge is when a typically female character is unceremoniously killed off for usually one of two reasons (1) to cause a male character to angst (2) to further or advance a male agenda somehow.

Natasha’s sacrifice is neither of these things.

First off, it was her choice. Clint made it completely clear that he loves her and he did not want her to die for him. One of the primary problems with the Fridge trope is it robs the woman of her choice, and Nat is the one who decided that she would be the one to die for the Soul Stone. Calling this a Fridge is a blatant, insulting erasure of her motivation as a character.

Second off, Nat’s death is a sacrifice that wins a war. It’s not pointless, and it’s not just for angst, and it’s not just for a male character to get ahead in the story. She literally saves trillions of lives by trading her soul for the stone. Trillions. Yes, the team is devastated, but her death is not simply there to make you shed tears and nothing else. She saved them all. So don’t you dare try to pin this dumb trope on her, because it’s not accurate or correct.

Third off, this completes Natasha’s character arc. We’re introduced to the beginning of her arc in the iconic scene of The Avengers where she tricks Loki into revealing his scheme, but it turns out that while she does succeed, we find out what motivates her, and that Loki’s cruelty did affect her in the end. Clint was sent to kill her, but he shows compassion and instead recruits her. Clint gives her a second chance. And Nat, in sacrificing herself for the Soul Stone, gives Clint a second chance. It’s come full circle. One of my all-time favorite lines in this entire film series is hers, “I got red in my ledger; I’d like to wipe it out.” That. Is. A. Fucking. Great. Line. And this is the pay off and the completion of Nat’s character arc. She’s done horrible things and they have been chains on her soul and she felt that she needed to repay her debt in this way, and in a way that would save so many innocent lives. I will not have these people running around discounting that and acting like she is some victim. Natasha Romanov is not a fucking victim. Natasha Romanov died a hero. She is one of my favorite Avengers and I cried so hard at her loss, but I acknowledge that she did a brave, selfless thing for everyone she loved, and she will be remembered for that always.

Now. That being said…if you want to complain about a female character dying in a majority male story, yes, go right ahead. That is a legitimate complaint. It sucks that Nat died when most of the team is male. I will heartily concur with this criticism and offer no counterargument. It sucks. Period. I hate that she dies in the first act because I really love her fighting style and I wanted to see her kick more ass in the final battle because she’s amazing to watch. So yes, that’s a point I do take off from this movie.

In the end, I’m sort of straddling the fence for losing Nat, as I am with Tony, but I think a lot of people feel the same way. It is great writing, but the loss is so painful that I might not accept it totally.

Thank you for your bravery, Nat. Seriously, you’re one of my favorite female leads and you’ll be sorely missed. I can only hope the Black Widow movie helps me deal with the pain of losing you.

Steve

-Steve quietly taking all of Tony’s trauma-fueled ranting. This is so important. Chris Evans is so fantastic at acting in general, but all of his expressions as Tony lays into him are so underrated, man. He knows that Tony has reached a breaking point, and so he offers no vitriol in return. It’s a huge contrast to the scene in Civil War where the two of them argue. Steve is by no means a timid man. He recognizes that Tony is in such pain, as are all of them, and he just takes that rage because he knows it’s just how Tony chose to process everything because he can’t come to terms with it. We know he blames himself for being unable to stop Thanos, same as all of them do, and it’s such a testament to what a good man Steve is that he doesn’t fire back at Tony, and he is deeply concerned for him instead. Especially when Tony throws it back in his face that they’d lose together, and that’s what hurts the most during this scene. Tony was alone when he lost. Nebula was the only survivor, and she was a complete stranger to him until they repaired the Milano and tried to get back to civilization. I think Tony would still be angry and traumatized, but he’s always been able to look to his team members for ideas or comfort or just companionship in hard times. He nearly died, and that left a mark on him that ran so deep he just couldn’t stop spitting vitriol at possibly one of his closest friends, and it’s also important that they hadn’t spoken since the end of Civil War, so all of that anger and resentment is also tangled up inside them both. What a scene, man. What a scene.

-Steve mentoring people in the Post Snap years. This has a couple of really great things as a scene, honestly. First off, I love that even with Steve being heartbroken and refusing to move on, he still knows it is important to help others. Second off, I love that it’s almost implied that this is in honor of Sam Wilson, who did the same thing for soldiers who returned home from war struggling with PTSD. I really, really love Steve Rogers with all my heart for this scene. Even though he’s broken down and just as devastated as everyone else, he is still out there trying to help others. That is who he is at his core. Steve is the man who cannot stand by and let other people suffer. He won’t do it. It doesn’t matter what it costs him. He will defend and protect and nurture, always. By God, I love that about him.

-Steve’s quiet reconciliation with Tony. We discussed this above, but I love that Steve says so few words here and lets Tony do all the talking. There’s an almost silent “I’m sorry and I love you and I want you to be happy” in this scene together. Tony bringing back the shield just…my feelings…oh God, my feelings.

-Steve’s miniature speech before they head into the Quantum Realm. I love that even Rocket is impressed.

-Steve’s reaction to Nat’s death. Fuck. Me. Up. This hurt so badly. I can’t. I can’t with how Steve looks at Clint and Clint just looks back at him, and you can almost hear him telepathically saying, “Steve, we lost her.” Like I said before, Steve and Clint without a doubt love Natasha. Yes, Bruce does to some degree, but it’s not the same (sorry, y’all, I think BruceNat was trash and I will never accept it because it was forced and awkward and made no sense to me) as the deep vein of friendship and love she had with both men. It killed me when they were out on the dock and Steve was openly crying for her. We saw Steve crying in the trailer but we didn’t know this was the context. Oh, this hurts me. Steve loved her with all his heart. She was his best friend, same as Sam and Bucky were, and to lose her with no chance of ever getting her back is a terrible, terrible loss. Boy, this scene was rough to endure. I can only imagine how he must have felt having to let her go after he’s lost so many people he loved. Poor Steve.

-The entire New York heist. Oh God. I’m just in heaven over how Steve handled things, everything from the intentional recreation of the iconic elevator scene in The Winter Soldier to the insidious “Hail Hydra” (*makes strangulation hands in the direction of the Russo brothers because they KNOW most of the fandom hates Hydra Cap from the comics and so of course they put that in there just to screw with us*) to the smug smirk on Cap’s face as he walked away with scepter to Cap laying the beatdown on himself to Cap acknowledging his sweet, sweet, round, perfectly firm ass. (Seriously, Chris Evans, if you ever read this, marry me, we already met and hugged each other, we could make this work.) Yes. Special props to Cap vs. Cap’s interactions. It was just…everything.

-Steve wielding Mjolnir. Jesus. Fucking. Christ. So everyone’s already raved about this scene, but I don’t care, I have to rave about it too. Good gravy. Good God. This scene is everything. Honestly, it is easily one of the greatest things ever conceived not only by the MCU, but in action movies period. This can stand toe to toe with some of the best beatdowns in all of cinema. It’s just…where do you even start with how good this fucking scene is?! I mean, every second of it is just glorious. Whether it was the Russos or Evans or the script writers, whoever I need to thank, THANK YOU. Thank you for gift wrapping this total surprise. Every one of us was wounded that Cap didn’t easily lift Mjolnir in Age of Ultron, but at the same time, I loved the humor of that scene when Mjolnir did actually start to move and Thor totally panicked for a second. It was funny as hell. But for the Russos to fulfill our fantasy in a way that was not only a surprise, but just an absolute joy to watch, I can’t even express my fangirl tears. This scene is better than sex and chocolate and cocaine. It’s flawless. Everything about it is flawless, from Steve summoning the goddamn lightning to Thor’s gleeful “I KNEW IT!” I wish I could frame this scene on my wall in .gif form, and I apologize in advance to all my Tumblr followers, because the second this scene is giffed after the DVD release, I am going to reblog it three billion times. I will never stop reblogging it. This is the height of MCU perfection and it deserves to be known as such.

-Steve facing off with Thanos in his last stand, and actually holding his own. Dude. Steve Rogers is a human man, and he withstood Thanos. I just…I can’t with how awesome it is. He lost in the end, but he beat the shit out of Thanos for a good bit and I just have to give him all the props for that. He did the impossible and survived him. That’s amazing.

-Steve strapping on his broken shield and staring down Thanos and his army. This is peak Steve Rogers right here. “Yeah, you have thousands of soldiers. Yeah, you sheared my shield in half. Yeah, you beat me and my comrades. And I don’t give a single solitary fuck.” This is also an amazing echo to the moment in Infinity War where poor Wanda had to kill Vision, and Cap stood up to Thanos with his goddamn bare hands. Steve standing up after getting the shit kicked out of him is what he is all about. He doesn’t care that he is outnumbered. He doesn’t care that he is outgunned. He is Steve motherfucking Rogers and he is going to stand against evil period. This is top tier stuff, man.

-“Avengers Assemble.” Like everyone else, I jizzed in my pants. Full on. We all had a hunch that they would save it until the final Avengers film with the final appearances of the original team, and it was everything we dreamt it would be.

-Steve catching Stormbreaker as well and then trading it with Thor mid-battle. A tiny but hilariously awesome scene. I’m so glad they included it, and it was another little nod to Steve and Thor always having a small adorable friendship moment in each Avengers movie. Thanks for that, truly.

-Steve passing the mantle over to Sam Wilson. Holy shit. So a lot of us were relatively sure with Chris Evans confirming this as his last full appearance as Captain America that the mantle would go to either Bucky or Sam. My money was on Sam, simply for him still being new blood having entered at Phase 2 in the MCU, and because Sam is a lot more of a dynamic main lead that I think the MCU needs in the role. Anthony Mackie, as any hardcore MCU fans know, is a bundle of fun behind the scenes. He’s really hilarious and charismatic, and I think he’ll bring a lot to the role of the new Captain America. It’s such a touching scene as Steve hands him the shield. I really, really get choked up about how it was handled with such respect and trust and honest to God friendship. “How does it feel?” “Like it’s someone else’s.” “It isn’t.” Wow. What a beautiful scene. I’m a little misty as I type it out. And I do like that there was just this little nod from Bucky, who has been antagonistic to him pretty much all the time but here, he shows his support and it’s kind of just known that he will back Sam up no matter what. I cannot express how much I love this idea and its execution. It was perfect. (By the way, please look up the way Anthony Mackie found out about this before filming. It’s too cute.)

-Steve’s ending. Oh my God. Of possibly everyone on the team who I wanted to have a happy ending, I wanted Steve’s the hardest, even though I love Tony to death and beyond. Thank you, Russo brothers. Thank you for letting this man have his second chance at a life, and that he got to spend it with Peggy. I was already crying from the funeral, but the fact that they decided to end the saga with possibly the sweetest imagery in the MCU is just overwhelming. I loved their little slow dance. I love the tears of joy on Peggy’s cheeks. I love the softness in Steve’s expression as he dances with his lady love. I love the song choice. I love how he just looks down at her and she looks up at him and they kiss to close everything out and say goodbye to us all. What a scene. What an ending. I love it more than anything.

Thank you, Steve. Thank you for being our ray of light and sunshine and guidance all these years.

Nebula

I really did not expect to see an arc for Nebula, but I am delighted that we got it. This was very, very interesting considering what a sadistic murderess Nebula was in the previous films, so fueled by rage, and yet here we see that she is still powerful and effective and yet vulnerable. I enjoyed seeing her growth and getting some amount of closure with Thanos’ demise and saving Gamora as well as the rest of the universe.

Bruce

So here’s the thing: Bruce is probably my least favorite Avenger, next to Clint, but that’s not because anything is wrong with either character—I just find their personalities and abilities the least interesting. Therefore, I’ve heard complaints about Hulk not kicking ass in Infinity War and Endgame, and while they are valid points…I don’t care. I guess the thing is that Hulk has kicked ass in all his previous appearances, and I think it was nice of them to get back to the fact that Bruce is indeed a scientist and there is more to him than just crushing things. He is a very conscience driven character, and I was totally fine with him as a supporting member of the team, and of his brave decision to Un-Snap everyone back to life. I especially liked his sympathetic approach to bring Thor back home. “You helped me.” I fully admit that made my lip quiver, honestly, since Thor was obviously so traumatized and was in a lot of pain, and Bruce was gentle with him. That, to me, is just as important as all the bashing he could have done. Same with his impassioned plea with the Ancient One. Sorry that he didn’t kick ass in these last two movies, but honestly, I felt things were balanced and that it’s important to show he is more than the Hulk.

Clint

As mentioned above, Clint is my least favorite Avenger, but again, not because there is anything wrong with him or that he is written poorly—the others just outweigh him in what I like about them. I have to say opening the film with Clint losing his entire family with no knowledge of what was going on was almost as gut-stabbing as how Infinity War began and ended. It was somehow even more cruel since Clint would not have known what was going on until he called the Avengers. And yes, someone’s pointed out to me that it’s crazy he didn’t know about the war, but I have a headcanon that he just cut everyone off once he decided to retire, and he wouldn’t answer when they called so he wouldn’t be dragged into more shenanigans. I highly doubt the whole team just flat-out didn’t tell him what was going on. There’s a good chance Clint decided not to hear from the team again after Cap busted them out since he risked everything and almost got jailed for life after his decision.

All that being said, I did feel Clint’s loss very hard after Nat sacrificed herself. It was extremely well done on Jeremy Renner’s part and there was never a doubt that he loved her. Their bond has always been very cute and I never shipped them, so I wasn’t disappointed by the reveal of his secret family. I thought it was a nice touch and a surprising turn in the story. I’m glad he got to go home to his family in the end, and I especially liked the touching moment he shared with Wanda after Tony’s funeral.

Loki

Holy shit, y’all.

I did not expect this, and I love it more than anything in the world.

Right, so, I am sadly a fan of Loki’s ever since The Dark World, but at the very least, I am not a rabid fan of the character. He is an absolute fucking trashlord and I acknowledge it while still loving him anyway. I was positively giddy that they invited Tom Hiddleston back to shoot new scenes of Loki rather than simply using the old Avengers footage. And I definitely didn’t expect Tony, Cap, and Scott to screw up and Loki gets the Tesseract and vanishes. This is amazing. I can’t wait for the Loki mini-series on Disney Plus, and I assume this is what it’s going to be about. I’m really excited to see what kind of shit he gets himself into, and I loved the little bits we got of him mocking Cap even though they all just kicked his ass, and I loved him rolling his eyes in the background during the heist, and being the only one who knew something fishy was going on. Love, love, love it to pieces. Thank you for giving me more of my stupid trashlord, Endgame. You rock.

Scott

Oh, poor, poor Scott. Not only did he awaken to find his new family gone, but he lost five years of time with his daughter. Ouch. I really have to commend Paul Rudd for the reunion scene with his daughter. The shock and pain mixed in with the gratitude that she survived the Snap was so palpable. I’ve never really considered him much more than an easy going comedic actor, but he did a great job here. Kudos.

Gamora

I am really, really deeply hurt that this means our Gamora, the one we came to know and grow with, is truly gone. Like many fans, I had hoped she was somehow inside the Soul Stone and they could bust her out, but like Nat, it appears that we did truly lose her. I’m not okay. I feel so bad for Quill, who wooed her with so many great moments, and now he’s lost her again. He’ll have to try to make her fall in love with him again, and it hurts me because the sequence of events from the first two Guardians movies are how they fell in love, and it’ll be so much harder to make her understand what they meant to each other and what they had with one another as well as their little stitched together family. Damn it all. This might be one of the biggest underrated losses of all for me. Gamora is my favorite Guardian, period. I adore her, so I am both anticipating and dreading the third Guardians movie as a result.

Carol

Alright, I do have to admit one of my letdowns, even though it’s a total nitpick, is that the trailer gave us Thor and Carol, but the actual movie did not. Oh, why did you lift my hopes up this way?! I really wanted Thor and Carol to bond and have hilarious pissing contests about who is the strongest Avenger, and become battle buddies! However, this might be possible later since we know Hemsworth has agreed to at least one more film, if not more, so fingers crossed he and Carol share screentime. I adored that “I like this one” scene and Thor would play very well off of Carol if you ask me.

That being said, when Carol came back for the final fight…yassss bitch yassss fuck it up! When she came after Thanos, he was fuckin’ shook and I am here for it. I loved that failed headbutt. I want to frame that on a wall. Carol Danvers is not having any of your shit today, you purple Grape Ape punk ass bitch. She laid down the law, and it was glorious. 11/10 good shit of Carol whupping his ass and he had to suckerpunch her just to try to win.

And kudos for the utterly adorable interaction she had with my Spider Son, “H-Hi, I’m Peter Parker.” “Hey, Peter Parker. Got something for me?” *kisses fingertips* This could not have been cuter. Thank you so much, Carol.

Oh, and extra kudos for the Ladies of the MCU smackdown moment. My God. I loved every second of that assault. Please make that into a whole separate team someday and make a movie about it.

Wanda

Standing ovation for Wanda in every respect: her entrance, her powerful line (“I don’t even know who you are.” “You will.”), and the fact that she flat-out almost killed Thanos by her damn self. Wow, wow, wow, my girl. You brought the pain. I miss Vision too, honey, and I’m so sorry we can’t have him back. It’s so unfair that she’s lost her brother and her love within this story, but she still manages to keep going. Wanda is a testament to just how strong women truly are in spite of adversity.

Plot/Story

I know some fans didn’t want it to be as straight-forward as it appeared to be with them going back in time to grab the Stones and undo the Snap, but I was honestly fine with it. The story still managed to genuinely surprise me, especially with the development that the two Nebulas are what caused Thanos to find out what was going on. Holy shit, that was very creative and a great way to let her be a central character considering the trauma she has been through and overcome. I thought the pacing was excellent, and I will have to sit down and think it through but I don’t feel as if we had unnecessary scenes aside from the diner scene being a little longer than it needed to be. (You could have cut the photo op bit out and no one would miss it, for instance.) Like Infinity War, I felt that all the scenes had a use and showed us something, and the action was magnificent and creative. The Avengers pulling the entirety of the MCU together in the third act is some seriously iconic stuff that I really hope people will take into consideration as a legendary thing no one has ever really done before.

A friend of mine mentioned that you can neatly divide Endgame into three sections of story: build up, heist, and pay off. One of the best things about Endgame, to me, is the pay off. I love how many continuity nods we had and how many threads were tied off in a satisfying manner, from deeply emotional relationships to just sublime action sequences. We have so many films in this series that it’s hard to rank them, but I have to say I really would put Endgame in the top 10 for my preferences. It was a worthy ending to such an amazing set of films, and while I will miss the actors who won’t continue past Phase 3, I am incredibly grateful for their time and talents spent on this franchise. It is in its own category, honestly, with consistent quality in nearly every aspect it attempts. I think it was the perfect mix of solemn but affectionate goodbyes and bright, hopeful new beginnings. I am excited to see what is in store and what new ground we’re gonna break with the future stories.

So thanks for everything, Endgame. I’m glad to have had this era come to such a satisfying close.

See you in the funny papers.

Kyoko

#avengers #avengers endgame #endgame #spoilers #movie review #film review #the avengers #marvel #Marvel Cinematic Universe #mcu #spoiler alert #no really this is 14 pages long #i am so sorry but i had a lot of feelings okay #sorry not sorry

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ibmiller · 7 years ago

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Steph meta, a large chunk of it

(This essay was originally going to be a reblog of @secretlystephaniebrown’s post but the tale, as they say, grew in the telling, so I’ve posted it here instead). In my experience, there are general trends among fans whose favorite character is Steph. Many of these trends flow from which version of Steph is normative to your experience of her history. There are those who have loved Steph since her first appearance in Detective Comics and through Dixon’s 100 issues of Robin. A strong contingent loves Jon Lewis’s quiet, weird run on Robin as “peak Steph” (you can always spot these fans because they love mashed potatoes and eggplant). And, of course, there is my own subsect - those who truly fell in love with her as Batgirl.

I’d been aware of Steph for some time. I remember reading about her brave handling of her pregnancy in the library’s copy of the DC character guide in the early 2000s. Batgirl #27 gave me a fairly negative opinion of her as a whiner (a large part of why I really dislike that comic after going back and reading all of Steph’s history, despite the lovely Phil Noto art). And then I read Steph’s tragic, idiotic death and aftermath as the trades of War Games and War Crimes came out in Books-a-Million while I was at university, far from home. Years passed. I embraced the Birds of Prey under Gail Simone (thanks again to my local library), caught the mentions of Steph’s death in Dinah’s inner monologues. I was aware of Steph’s return in the back of my head - I distinctly remember reading the Robin/Spoiler Special in the comic store when it came out, and then the following issues where Steph struggled with the fallout of Batman RIP.

When I picked up the first issue of Batgirl, and read that Steph was taking on the cowl, I felt a real but still muted sense of “finally, she’s arrived.” As the series went along, and I started following it more and more closely, I was hooked. Steph was now my very favorite character - so much so that when the new 52 hit, erasing Steph from existence with no explanation for three long and bitter years, I pretty much left most of comics fandom completely, only to return along with Steph when Batman Eternal hit the stands.

Obviously, someone like me, who came to Steph’s early appearances in Robin at first piecemeal, and then in a burst, but only after her zenith in her own solo series, will have a very different idea of what Steph’s normative traits are than someone whose Steph was set by Dixon or Lewis. Bryan Q. Miller is (or at least was at that stage in his career, as his Smallville episodes and comics show) very much in the cheerful, heartfelt storytelling mode, whereas Dixon drew much more from the noir tradition, and Lewis from a strange blend of YA and new weird-esque scifi. I especially

I have great respect for Steph fans who were privileged to meet her early. Who loved her from the start, grew up alongside her. But just like fans are rightly offended when instead of being welcomed, their enthusiasm is questioned or mocked because it is nascent and not full grown, I don’t think fans like myself, who see Steph’s career as a trajectory leading to Batgirl, are lesser than those who see her golden age at a different spot - or vice versa. What’s more, to say that Steph’s run as Batgirl strips her of all that makes her interesting rubs me really wrong - to say that the character I fell in love with is uninteresting just doesn’t square with my experience. Though Steph has a great supporting cast, with Babs, Wendy, and Detective Gage, and fantastic guest roles in Damian, Klarion, and Squire, unlike many solo series, Steph is definitely the most engaging figure in her own series.

(Side note: There are plenty of critics and fans who make comments like, “I wish Black Mask could meet Steph again.” This essay is not for them. If you didn’t like Steph in the past, and don’t like her now, the conversation I would have with you would be completely different. And likely very short.)

The most consistent theme I see with those who dispute Steph’s run as Batgirl as being normative for her character is that Steph has lost her anger that was so prominent in her early appearances. To some extent, there is justice in this claim. Steph is a cheery, upbeat, optimistic character as Batgirl, prefiguring later successes like Kamala Khan, and she doesn’t have nearly as many prominent displays of the kind of rage that led her to almost kill her father, or later visit him in prison, dolled up to the nines just to beat the ever living daylights out of him. However, my response to this claim is twofold: 1) I do not think that Steph is an angry person, but rather a person in very rough circumstances, who had a temper, but was generally a cheerful and upbeat person; 2) to say that Steph’s anger NEVER shows up in Batgirl is simply factually incorrect. To take these in reverse order (since the second is a lesser claim that hinges upon the assumption that Steph’s anger is fundamental to her character rather than largely circumstantial):

As Batgirl, Steph expresses varying levels of anger towards four people - Damian, Tim, Bruce, and Cluemaster. Though she does eventually come to a warmer relationship with the first three, she still expresses very distinct and sharp anger with all three of them. Her “HATE” as she storms away from Damian may be played for comedy, but it’s consistent with the sheer level of animosity and frustration she expresses for the first three issues in which they work together. Her first meeting with Tim in the crossover “Collision” is marked by very harsh words on both sides, and when Christopher Yost takes over the writing in that storyline, she gives Tim a well-deserved piece of her mind for his injuries going back many months. As for Bruce - we all know and love that fantastic slap. However, the key moment of narration of the issue is “Bruce never gave me a fair shot,” overlaying an image of Steph being fired as Robin. Though Steph is willing to forgive Bruce, her anger remains (hinted at again in Batgirl #22, when the slap is referenced again) part of that relationship.

Lastly, of course, there’s the final confrontation with Cluemaster. And here’s where the claim that Steph’s anger is nowhere present in her time as Batgirl really baffles me. Steph’s hostility to her father remains total and intense from beginning to end, in expression and violence. She even finds her cheerful “I know, right” catchphrase poisoned by hearing her father use it. Her last line to her father, while brave and upbeat, as Steph generally is during her time as Batgirl, is a wonderful and completely knowing callback to her original motivation for becoming a hero - “So sorry to SPOIL your fun.” It’s a final triumph, harnessing the rage which once impelled her to choke him with a chain, or beat him in a cell, and now drives her to capture him with her gooperang.

With all four of these key points in Steph’s Batgirl run forming the basis for my minor counterargument, I do acknowledge that Steph is a significantly less angry person as Batgirl than her early time in Detective Comics or Robin. That’s probably in large part because Bryan Q. Miller just isn’t a writer who digs into the darkness of his heros as much - but also because Miller was deliberately writing a hero who is coming into her own in a major way after a lot of history on the sidelines. Steph doesn’t struggle with not killing villains, as she did in the Final Night issue of Robin or her Detective Comics issue where she went up against Zsasz as Robin. She doesn’t express rage in her fights against most of her other villains, from Scarecrow, to Roxy Rocket, even the despicable Reaper gang of bored kids who turn their nihilistic laziness into murderous rampage.

But that segues into my main counterargument: I do not think that Steph’s anger is a defining trait, but is instead a strongly circumstantial trait. Steph expresses great rage against those who personally betrayed her - her father, her uncle, her gymnastics coach - but when fighting villains without that personal connection, like Lynx, Scarab, and countless gang-bangers, she usually displays a happy enthusiasm for life and her work as a hero. The occasional moments of desperate rage, like wanting to leave a murderous thug to die in the snow during Final Night, or using a potentially lethal move against the fathomless evil of Zsasz, are very rare (and let’s not get into my frustration that despite my enjoyment of the Zsasz issue, Gabrych having Steph re-learn the same moral lesson that she’d previously embraced does not sit well with me). While I can see the argument that “Steph’s anger is a defining trait,” I think my own reading, that Steph has a temper, but generally has a sunny outlook on life is at least equally valid.

(Another side note: the question of when Steph learns people’s identities has always fascinated me. I firmly believe there’s a good chance that Steph didn’t know Batman was Bruce Wayne until her “death”, at which point Leslie told her pretty much everything. She never calls Batman “Bruce” or is shown in the same place as him without the cowl when she’s Robin, and the fact that she doesn’t know who Matches Malone is indicates to me that there’s a good chance she doesn’t know Bruce is Batman either. Perhaps a bit far fetched? But I think there’s no real way to prove that she DOES know the truth from the information given.)

With my main point made, I want to move onto some defenses of Steph’s current journey, specifically in the hands of James Tynion IV. I think a key element to understanding Steph’s relationship to Batman in n52 and Rebirth continuity is that while Jason’s (and Damian’s) deaths have a profound impact on Batman, both Jason and Damian are ALIVE again, and that has gone a long way towards healing the part of Bruce that wanted to protect Steph by shoving her out of the life of the hero. With that gone, Bruce does want to take in the various young heros in Gotham and give them the best chance he can to be the best heroes possible. With that background on Bruce’s part, unless Tynion wanted to make Bruce a giant sexist and have him say “no girls allowed” to Steph, the conflict between Steph and Bruce leading to Steph being an outsider simply couldn’t be a one-sided idiocy on Batman’s part.

And so we get a long, carefully constructed distrust sown between Steph and Batman. First, the trauma of seeing a nightmarish Batman assault her father as a ten year old (Batman Eternal #10), followed by her belief that Bruce Wayne (of Batman Incorporated) is Lincoln March, the force behind her father’s reign of terror on Gotham. She then spends a large amount of her first several months, possibly a year, as Spoiler in a Gotham where Batman has disappeared and been replaced with JimBats. Current Steph simply doesn’t have the same foundation of trust with Batman that previous Steph did. No ridealongs to fight creepy bug people, no one on one training alongside Batgirl and Robin. Just a giant blue Bat-bunny and some training from the Robins and her new friend Harper.

Which brings me to another major point of contention I have with some trends in Steph fandom: her relationship with Tim. A lot of Steph fans view her relationship with Cass as the defining relationship in her life. And I would never, ever want to say that Cass and Steph didn’t powerfully impact each other’s lives - Steph learning so much from Cass, and Cass seeing Steph as she dies in her final confrontation with her mother, clearly demonstrate how important that relationship is. But for various reasons, Steph’s relationship with Tim is ignored by many fans. Was the way Tim treated Steph (and Helena and even Babs) over the issue of his secret identity pretty crummy? Absolutely. But for the span of 128 issues, Steph was part of Tim’s cast, and her main relationship in life was with him - and it was often a beautiful one. Tim’s growing attraction to her, his support of her during her pregnancy, him sticking by her as Bruce played hot and cold with her training - there’s so much to love about it. And as much as Cass was shafted by the way Steph became Batgirl, and I think her relationship with Steph merited much more than it got during that series, I think the way her relationship with Tim was handled was just as frustrating. (I don’t want to make this into a major flaw of the series - there are reasons Tim couldn’t appear in Batgirl very often, and Miller did a solid job of writing a character arc for the two that explained it in universe - but I would have appreciated a few more appearances by him than just one, just as Steph popped into the Red Robin series every now and then.) I think too many fans see Tim as a weight that Steph needs to shed to become a great hero, but I think Tim was a great force for good in Steph’s life and career as a hero. Not a perfect one - that would be poor characterization of both Steph and Tim - but more than just dead weight that I feel many, many Steph fans treat him as.

With that background, I look at the restoration of Tim and Steph’s romantic relationship in Rebirth as a major plus. It’s not a perfect restoration - the criticism that it’s pretty blandly sweet, rather than the rocky, complicated, loveable coupling we see over the 20 years of their history previously, is spot on - and there was almost no setup (except for the adorable panel of Tim crushing on her at the end of Batman Eternal, which artist David Lafuente putting a heart into the uncolored pencils :). A huge part of the criticism of Steph’s current arc revolves around how she shouldn’t be so brokenhearted over Tim’s death - but I think that’s a really silly argument. Balancing Steph as an independent character vs. a supporting character for Tim is something that I think Tynion probably will struggle with, but I very much think that 1) her love for Tim is emotionally engaging and sweet, and thus her sorrow and rage feels quite understandable, and 2) a big reason Tynion is telling the story of Steph striking out on her own is so that she has more accomplishment under her belt when Tim comes back, so she doesn’t fall into the role of “Tim’s girlfriend.” I want Tim and Steph to be together - I’m a longtime TimSteph shipper, obviously - but I want her to have her own arcs and goals, so I think that her current plotline will be a big step in the right direction.

Which brings us to the third main point of this essay (point one being about Steph’s anger, point two being about Steph and Tim): Steph’s rejection of Batman leading to her status as outsider to the Batfamily. To me, even as Batgirl, Steph is defined much more by her independence and status as not in the innermost circle of the Batfamily, rather than her anger. As mentioned before, Batman couldn’t just be the jerk he was in the 90s, telling Steph to stop or firing her. So how could Tynion write a story about her being an outsider now? She would have to have a reason - and he gave her two. First, the way Steph and Bruce handle the grief of Tim’s death. Second, Steph trying to find what kind of hero she wants to be. Both of these do mean that Steph is making mistakes, even becoming hypocritical in criticizing Batman’s mission while using the exact same tactics. But I don’t think it’s a case of Tynion saying, “Oh, look how dumb Steph is.” This is Tynion having Steph take control of her own career. Her outsider status is no longer the result of being controlled by Batman or Tim. Steph has agency in her status - she chose it, and she will return when she chooses, on her own terms. She’s also very much a competent hero - perhaps a bit overly so, by taking down Wrath with really superior tactics and psychology, and the whole team in a very Batman vs. the Justice League way in Victim Syndicate. There are hints of her former struggles in Rise of the Batmen when she sets off all the explosives at once, and her fight against Anarky in the second issue of Utopia was pretty poorly written, but on the whole, this Steph is in no danger of being fired for failure - and that, too, is part of her agency.

As for the fears of War Games - people have been predicting that Steph’s plots are a reimagining of War Games since Batman Eternal (myself included). At this point, I think Tynion is not super interested in retelling that story. There may be some elements that parallel that horrible storyline (even though I will say that Devin Grayson’s and Brubaker’s parts for Steph are affecting, and Steph’s death scene gives me one of my favorite lines, “Part of the legend,” which I will bring up ANY TIME someone says Steph wasn’t Robin), but I think Tynion is more interested in telling a new Steph story.

Which brings me to my closing point: Steph’s storyline has some problems. It’s basically her turning a bit into “stop having fun guy” by telling Batman he’s doing it wrong, and she’s also a hypocrite because she’s using the same tactics constantly. But the suggestions I hear instead seem almost always to be “recreate the fun parts of her previous history and give her new fun relationships.” People (rightly) want her to restore her bond with Cass, and to grow closer to Jason and Duke.

All of these are fun, and I would love to see them, but they’re the actions of a supporting character in someone else’s story. What Tynion is telling is very much Steph’s own story, with her taking control and having the right to make mistakes without being punished for them. She’ll deal with the consequences on her own terms. So far, her story has had ups and downs, but it is Steph’s story, and I for one am following it with great enthusiasm and enjoyment (though hopefully with fewer guest-writers).

#Stephanie Brown #Steph meta #Spoiler Alert #Here we go #Part of the legend #Seeing Something Through

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herburden · 6 years ago

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bobby's words echo in her mind when dean is killed , 'and when it's your time , go' wouldn't it be cruel to pull dean from heaven ? shouldn’t she let him find some peace ? she pokes around for a while , but in all honesty , she thinks he’s the lucky one . she wants to let him rest .

#. meta ›› this anger has healed me more than forgiving a person ever could.#. arc . iii ›› if you want forgiveness find a priest.

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angelofdirewolves · 7 years ago

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Underneath the Stars Playlist

This is a playlist of songs that I listened to when writing this story, or that have special meaning in regards to the characters. Apologies for length despite that it’s only songs long, because I got very meta-y in compiling this and quoting the songs and explaining why they fit. Spoilers for the entire fic are present in the meta paragraphs, and links to each song are embedded in the name.

Songs Mentioned in Fic:

Light on the Horizon by determamfidd “There’s a light on the horizon, there’s a ship upon the sea, now the world is so much wider, for you wander it with me.” This song is one of many that was written, composed, and performed by the author of the absolutely stunning LoTR fanfic Sansúkh. Sansúkh is a story about family and healing and what it means to forgive yourself and to forgive others, even if it is too late, thus making it extremely fitting for the end of this story, because all of them need to learn to forgive each other, to heal the breaches that time has wrought, and nothing exemplifies that better than this fic, and no song promises that better future than Light on the Horizon.

The Star Cycle: A series of three songs that are all based on the stars, not an official term, just one coined by me for the fic, because Aoife would have little playlists of three or four songs and call them pretentious names, mostly created when she was a child with Amanda.

Underneath the Stars by Kate Rusby. “Underneath the stars you met me, underneath the stars you left me … they come and go of their own free will, go gently.” Jenny’s favorite song of the Star Cycle, and the titular song of the fic. While Jenny adored this song long before the events of this fic, it becomes especially poignant once Aoife abandons her to go complete the Kolavar. The song speaks of being abandoned by one who loves you for your own good, and about someone who has no friends but the stars. It rings painfully true both before and after the events of this story.

All the Stars by the Wailin Jennys “All the Stars in the sky say goodbye say goodbye, we were here yesterday now it seems so far away … oh you don’t know me, you know one side of the story.” Keith’s favorite song of the Star Cycle. Again, this becomes very poignant when Keith is on earth, because no one can truly know him there, and he has no one but Shiro, and even he leaves to go to Kerberos eventually. Even into canon, no one really knows him because he keeps shut about his relationship to Zarkon, and to Aoife and Jenny because he’s always been trained to keep quiet about that, even with people who he’s supposed to trust, and trusting is still a difficult concept for him.

Starlight by the Wailin Jennys “I have come back to you broken, take me home … kingdom come their will was done, and now the earth is far away from any kind of heaven, take us home.” Aoife’s favorite song of the Star Cycle and the song Jenny was singing when Shiro found her. Aoife has always internalized her relationship with Zarkon and Lotor and Haggar more than Keith has, and Jenny is the only other one that comes close. She was raised in part by them, and if not for the interference of her mother, she would have thought that the way they were raising her, to be the unbreakable face of the empire was the way things always were, the only way things could be. The only thing that she doesn’t like about this song is a line about the singer being in need of mercy, because she doesn’t feel that she deserves mercy for anything she has done.

Ave Maria by Kevin Memley “Ave Maria, gratia plena (translated) Hail Mary Full of Grace.” This song is rerecorded by Aoife to be Ave Amanda, because she reveres her mother in a way that elevates her almost to sainthood. Also rings true because due to science, Amanda does not have children in the normal way- Aoife enjoys those particular coincidences. Jana’s name also means Grace, and Amanda was the one that named her, so there’s also that connection.

Aoife’s Songs:

Uneven Odds by Sleeping at Last “I once knew your father well. … As your guardian I was instructed well, to make sense of their love in these fires of hell.” Aoife’s song for Keith and Jenny, because she was the one that raised them all on her own from the time that she was fifteen, still half a child herself. She loves Keith and Jenny with everything that she has, but sometimes that isn’t enough, because she knows that Keith deserves Amanda, and she knows that sometimes she can’t even look at Jenny without thinking about the trauma Aoife suffered at the hands of Jenny’s unknown father. So she sees herself both as the guardian and as the fires of hell for them both.

Sun by Sleeping at Last “We are the dust of dust, the apple of God’s eye. … We are infinite as the universe you hold inside. … let there be light let me be right.” Aoife was Zarkon’s beloved granddaughter, and he was the closest thing to a god that exists for the majority of the universe. She was also Haggar’s niece and protégé. Aoife is the most powerful manipulator of the fabric of universe ever recorded by the druids and ‘taught’ by the next most powerful quintessence user. She’s constantly hoping that she is the one that is right, the one that will prevail against these two night divine beings.

Third Eye by Florence and the Machine “That original lifeline. … There’s a whole where your heart lies and I can see it with my third eye, and my touch it magnifies… I’m the same, I’m the same, I’m trying to change.” In the battle that kills Zarkon, Aoife loses Thace, who she’s been bonded with at the brain since they were children, as seen in the interludes, the person that kept her alive by his mental support after the death of her mother, and he’s gone, so she gets much, much worse, which leads her to the Kolavar. At the end of the story, coming out of the healing pod into Keith and Jana’s arms, Aoife recognizes how much she has hurt her children by her actions and her lessons. She has a lot of amends to make, and she’s trying to change, but it’s a difficult process that will take time and a lot of effort, and not a few relapses. But she’s trying, and for now, that’s enough.

Jenny’s Songs:

North by Sleeping at Last “We will call this place our home … We’ll tell our stories on these walls … We call this fixer upper home.” Jenny’s main issue beyond her family, is that she never had a place to call home. They never stayed anywhere more than a few days, a few weeks if she was lucky. The closest thing to a permanent home she had was the ship Aoife stole when she escaped, and while that was where she lived, it wasn’t home, because it was so incredibly small and so confining to all of them. Once they landed on a new planet the basic way it went was to leave the ship and stay outside it as long as they could before they had to leave again. Jenny knows every piece of the machinery, but it wasn’t her home. Aoife had a home for six to fourteen years, and Keith (from her viewpoint) had a home for five years, but Jenny has never had one and feels that loss keenly.

Pluto by Sleeping at Last “I leaned in and let it hurt, let my body feel the dirt. … Show me where my armor ends, show me where my skin begins.” Jenny right as she starts to fight with Keith. She’s been strong for so very long, her whole life. Repressing her anger towards her mother, repressing her anger towards Keith, and when Keith said everything would go back to the way it was she just snapped and let all those walls she built over her life down. She loves her mother, loves her little uncle, but she had to wear armor to be around them, after those five years of Aoife’s grief, and Keith not being there. She doesn’t quite know where her love for them and her anger for them meet, but with time and a thousand apologies and honest open conversation, facilitated by Coran, she will be able to get there, eventually.

Queen of Peace by Florence and the Machine “Oh the King gone mad within his suffering … And now you have me on the run, the damage is already done … like a boat into oblivion because you’re driving me away.” For Jenny after Keith ‘died’ this was her life, Aoife gone mad because of his loss, and damaging her daughter in her wake. She’s asking Aoife if this is what she wanted. The fact that Light on the Horizon at the end of the story mentions there being a ship upon the sea indicated that the love between them has been drawn back from oblivion, but not quite to solid land yet.

Keith’s Songs:

East by Sleeping at Last “I set out to rule the world … so I draw my sword with the morning sun… I bear little resemblance to the king I once was, I bear little resemblance to the king I could become, maybe paper is paper, maybe kids will be kids.” Even though Keith was the younger sibling, he was the second in line to the imperial throne right after Lotor. Jenny was after him, then Haggar, and then Aoife after her, because Druids are automatically placed at the bottom of the line of inheritance because it’s more important to the Galra that they serve the Ladies first and then the clan. So Keith always knew, even though he wasn’t living with the Galra that he was in the line to rule the Galaxy, and when he was a little toddler he thought that was awesome, but as he grew up and realized the damage that the Galra Empire did, he went nope away from the thought. And now he’s a member of Voltron, and entity that while not ruling the Universe, is going to rebuild it, which is a different type of ‘kingship’ than what he idolized as a kid, but is more suited to the realities of the universe as it is.

Mercury by Sleeping at Last “In a holding pattern to find myself, … I’ll go anywhere you want, anywhere you want me. … to know the worth of my life made of precious metals.” Keith basically stifled on Earth for five years because he was desperate to know where Amanda came from, because he didn’t worship her the way Aoife did, but he needed to know about who she was where she came from, if she could have ever loved him. The precious metals line and the fact that his made-up-by-necessity last name means gold is just a bonus.

Which Witch by Florence and the Machine “I’ve had enough, it’s obvious, and I’m getting tired of crawling all the way … been in the dark since the day we met, fire help me to forget.” Keith is actually, genuinely surprised that he wasn’t recognized by anyone before Jenny. Allura and Coran he can let slide as they were asleep while Amanda and Aoife were in the universe, but everyone else? The Olkari and the Taujeeri, and the Galra, and the Balmerans? Amanda was well popularized, she went to events at Zarkon’s and Lotor’s sides and was praised as mother to the next generation of the empire, and Keith looks scarily like Amanda. He’s fairly sure that Zarkon recognized him when they fought while the others were rescuing Allura, when he started the taunting about ‘you fight like a Galra soldier’, to which Keith was internally like, ‘DUH of COURSE, because I was ENGINEERED THIS WAY TO YOUR SPECIFICATIONS’ while he wasn’t terrified out of his mind. Zarkon and Lotor and Haggar have been a shadow over him for his entire life, and he’s ready to cast them off and cast them away.

Miscellaneous Songs:

Why We Build The Wall? By Anais Mitchell This song doesn’t get a quote, because if I started quoting it I’d never stop. This describes perfectly the mentality of the Galra Empire, their teaching strategies, call and response echoing back ten thousand years, so that the ones in charge don’t even need to give the answer, because it’s so ingrained into their subjects. Jenny will listen to this and cry whenever she’s feeling particularly maudlin over her family.

Leave my Body by Florence and the Machine “I don’t want no future, I don’t need no past, one bright moment is all I ask. I’m going to leave my body, I’m gonna lose my mind. (Moving up to higher ground.)” The inspiration behind the Kolavar ritual in song format. The total subjugation of your past, any chance at a future, for one moment of judgement. Ignoring the needs of the body and becoming lost in your mind for weeks beforehand.

Daughter of Heaven by Kate Rusby “Oh Daughter of Heaven, oh daughter of now, the stars are your jewels, the rubies your crown, we all stand in awe of your right to astound, she’s gone to a new place now” This is the way that the universe as a whole sees Allelee and Aoife. Allelee as the daughter of traitor Altea, saved by her love for the Galra King-turned-Emperor. Aoife as the granddaughter of that same Emperor. They ultimately wind up leaving the reach of the Empire, Allelee through death, and Aoife though escaping into the border lands and never leaving it. Also Zarkon called Aoife his jewel, and she wore rubies as part of her ceremonial dress, as Allelee did. (They went surprisingly well with her hair, which was more of a red orange, than her little brother’s neon orange.)

Only if For a Night by Florence and the Machine “My body was bruised and I was set alight, … and although I was burning, you’re the only light, only if for a night.” This is Aoife and Thace in a nutshell. They’re each other’s light, each other’s source of hope, of sanity in a world gone mad at the whim of a family of dictators. They were tied together by a mental bond, one that wasn’t romantic, but was in the process of developing in that direction before it was interrupted by Haggar and then by Aoife’s pregnancy. They only saw each other in the flesh twice after Aoife ran away from her family, once before Lotor caught Aoife and once after, which marked the turning point in her use of illusions of Keith, only for a day and a night each time, because Aoife could never stay in the same place, and Thace had two opposing masters who he could almost never flee from. Thace would have sent her an apology through the bond before he died in the season 2 finale, and Aoife screamed and then went silent, though her mind was never silent, it was just a wail of anguish until she could speak to Jenny again.

#underneath the stars #playlist #MUSIC #my playlists

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