#-who try to play the power dynamic to their advantage and get girls to feed their egos for more 'opportunities'

[monstermp3]

just saw the craziest take on tiktok that women should "not try to look too attractive at work" because "men are visual creatures" and it could be a "distraction". and also we can't look too pretty because "women feel the need to compete against each other" and so other women would feel threatened if we dressed up too much. yeah no it sounds like a company culture issue please don't try to give weird advice to young ladies just starting out. stop teaching that how we look = how competent we are!! we could look drop dead gorgeous and still slay in our work and anyone who can't appreciate that duality can stuff the nasty misogynistic opinion that ~pretty women are necessarily incompetent bimbos~ up their ass. that or we could just leave this workplace that obviously doesn't appreciate us for what we do AND who we are

[yanderomantic]

thinking about my re7 self inserts grooming. long rambles

initially just the regular grooming which families as a whole do; without sexual intent; but which coerces you into playing a role. there's catharsis in analyzing my own nonsexual grooming through the lens of the bakers. (and there's Horniness to be found in sexualizing that dynamic of power with a fictional sadistic older brother)

lucas baker being the shithead of the family, the not quite outcast--the violent, troubled, punished child. jack baker being aware of the attic incident yet never letting it be of discussion, or processed, only ever allowing it on his concious when implicitly threatening lucas--keep the boy silent and afraid, he might not harm again. keep him close, under watch, abused. in check.

lucas being isolated within his own family, feared, demonized, (rightly so), abused, finding solace only in the blood that will listen--i doubt he was winning any lotteries in the social life department, not with his issues + trauma + general offputting vibe. his sister (zoe), being closer to his age, old enough to know better, old enough to know and have faced his own abuse--already hates his guts.

but a baby sister? 7 years younger? knows not much more than her blood, who's witnessed the abuse & has normalized it, who doesn't know better & has not had the time or understanding to process the flaws in her upbringing? who's desperate for love and connection and attention in this flawed family? it'd be so easy. so easy to take advantage of her naivety and forgiveness and desperation.

younger lucas who knows his own violence & knows he is feared for it, knows he is kept in check because even the most troubled boys can't help but fear the fist of their father--lonely, angry, probably a little confused on the complexities of why his taking of a life warrants the abuse whereas his father's violence is deemed justified & to be forgiven. complicated young lucas baker who at the end of the day doesn't understand why he can't be and isn't being forgiven. who has normalized violence & lacks the empathy that'd normally keep someone in check.

younger, complicated, alone, lucas who's entire family seems to hate him (bonus points for teenage angst & hyperbole) inevitably turning to his baby sister, young, forgiving, naive, who never questions her brothers violence because she is taught not to question her fathers.

beautiful circumstances to play favorites. to turn to her when alone, frustrated, needing to complain, vent. telling her she's your favorite sister, that zoe doesn't get it--could never get it, or get him. only charlie. charlie gets him better than anyone else. in fact, charlie, you're the only person I can trust. in this family or otherwise. i can tell you things I can't tell anyone else, you won't judge me or hate me, we're blood, we love each other no matter what--that's what family's for. everyone else is an asshole, a dumbass, a traitor. they hurt me, I'm so alone, you keep me sane, I don't know who id be without you, lucas n his baby sister against the world.

of course, the closer I get with lucas, the further in get from everyone else. especially zoe. zoe grows uncomfortable with my & lucas' relationship. she grows frustrated with me, defending him, we grow apart. jack is unsettled, relies on threats to keep lucas at bay--that's his thought process, at least. I think he'd focus more on babying me, spoiling me, trying to compensate for the 'corruption' that is growing close to lucas by 'keeping me pure.' maybe if he does enough to keep me happy, spoiled, young, it'll offset whatever garbage he thinks lucas is feeding me. of course, this drives zoe to resent me more. and lucas to view me as a game to win. my corruption is his rebellion. jack thinks he's a monster? I'll ruin his baby girl. I'll make her just like me.

naturally, years of bonding, I would have a lot in common with lucas. not as much as he'd like. (i don't develop my streak for sadism until the mold.) but in taste. same harsh industrial music mom hates. same gritty horror movies--at least jack likes those too. we have the same snark zoe hates--even though she has it too. I focus so much of my energy on keeping him happy, I don't have a vast social life either.

I think, in different ways, jack and lucas both view me as someone born exclusively for them. with jack, I am his in the way every baby girl is her fathers. with lucas, I'm his only option. I'm for him, because he has nobody else, and he wants me, so he's taking me. when he was seven, he was told he was getting a baby sister, and he took it to heart.

I think he'd have entertained the idea of taking advantage of me a few more times than he'd like to admit. and I am sure the sexual edge of his entitlement is not one that wouldn't have rubbed off in his grooming, abuse, and percieved ownership of me. im sure zoe, for years, was growing progressively more uncomfortable with the time I'd spend with lucas in ways she didn't fully understand or know how to articulate. I also think that despite it all, lucas loves me in the way you can't not love your blood. and he loves me because I am for him. he loves me because I'm the only person he can love, without also resenting--that isn't to say he's never felt resentment towards me, or anger, annoyance--but I'm just so uniquely grown for him, his needs, his loneliness and pain, he can't help but love me. I'm so attentive to his feelings, his nuance, quirks, self. I revolve around him. around his happiness. so I think, in a twisted way, it's only natural for that to extend towards his sexual gratification. it's taboo, it's not normal, it's something to wrestle with and process, but at the end of the day it's just another thing that makes sense. charlie "gets over" the taboo of it faster than lucas does--partially because he fetishizes it, and the power, and the corruption, the rebellion against his father, so he kind of refuses to get over it's taboo--but also because this... really isn't much different from what Charlie's already been doing her whole life. prioritizing lucas & his happiness. keeping him sane, his violence in check, being the only person he actually has. in a twisted way this is normal. it's expected.

[remakethestars]

Being Batman’s Daughter Would Include:

Headcanons.

❝Listen, Robin. At their core, people are cowardly and self-serving. Trust no one until you know them. And even then, never completely.❞

— Bruce Wayne, “The Lesson Plan”

TRIGGER WARNING: Plant murder. Mentions of drugs/tranqs (stopping dealers), violence/physical harm, broken bones (knee cap), limb dislocation (shoulder), (Jason’s) death, smoke, waterboarding/drowning?

Headcanon masterlist.

You know how every teenager has that paradigm shift because as much as they love the people around them, they’ll never know the inner workings of your psyche? And they realize they’ll never truly be known? And it makes them feel really lonely?

Yeah, you never come to feel like that because you know Bruce digs so far into everyone around him he probably knows you better than you do.

Honestly, he probably reads your diary. At least, he reads the fake one you hide under your mattress. And the second decoy in the A.C. vent above your dresser.

If you’re as paranoid as Bruce, you probably don’t have a diary, and the aforementioned “decoys” are just to mess with him.

Sun Tzu’s The Art of War was practically your Bible growing up.

You’re torn between giving yourself the tactical advantage of being underestimated & being non-reactive, which — besides giving you the lioness role in the lion–gazelle dynamic — gives you the advantage of having time to think carefully on the repercussions before speaking.

Because, as Sun Tzu said in chapter seven, verse twenty-one, “Ponder and deliberate before you make a move.”

Seeing as Bruce and Damian both have eidetic memories, I’m guessing you do too. 

Which means you totally read the dictionary when you were young and whip our big words nobody’s heard of.

Bruce always assured you it’s okay to be scared. As a matter of fact, like he told Dick (seen in flashbacks in “The Lesson Plan”), he taught you to “Let terror embrace you. The better you know fear, the better you can use it against others.”

And we all know Bruce is the paragon of using fear against people.

Take that, Scarecrow!

(See, I chose that gif because earlier in that move, he displays a fear of bats, & in that scene, he summons them to use as a distraction and walks through them completely unperturbed. No? Okay, I’ll see myself out.)

You started into the vigilante business young, a little bulge under the back of Batman’s cape that made the rest of the Justice League in the meeting think Bruce was host to an alien parasite until your little mask-covered eyes poked up over his shoulder.

The League’s known you since you were young, so they kind of all see you as their niece. That just quadruples the amount of people who are overprotective of you.

Eventually, in your tweens, you think enough’s enough and start out on your own — being underestimated may be an advantage, but it’s getting ridiculous — and you tackle unsolved cases.

You set up various safe houses around the world for your own disposal (using the zeta tubes) and anyone who sees the inside of one in an emergency is always surprised. You don’t really understand why; what serious vigilante doesn’t have secure, state-of-the-art safe locations scattered across the planet?

Sometimes, it gets you into danger, but you always get yourself out of it. If there ever comes a time you can’t, well, you’ve got a direct link to Batman, and if communications fail, you can always yell for your Uncle Clark at the top of your lungs.

If the latter ever comes to fruition, you ask Bruce if he’s disappointed you had to call for back-up or that you called Superman instead of Batman, and he says, “It takes a strong person to admit when they’re weak, [Y/N]; if anything, I’m proud of you. Besides … you’re not the only one who yells for Uncle Clark when they get in over their head.”

Your training entailed hacking and mechanics, so you like to fix computers and sell them on the internet Hugh Jeffreys style. It started out with Macs from the dumpster behind Gotham Academy and turned into a surprising side hustle. Large portions of your profits go into either savings or funding your extracurricular activities. 

You’re using a MacBook that’s running Linux and an iPhone 4 that’s running your own program. 

At some point, your phone falls into the wrong hands, and someone asks why it has such high security. You deadpan and say, “I have three older brothers.” No further explanation required.

One such solo case led you to a ring of drug dealers working in a small town outside of Gotham. You made some tranquillizers and heavy-duty smoke bombs and busted out your shinobi-iri training.

After sliding on a mask covering the bottom half of your face that filtered out smoke, you set all of the bombs off at once in the ventilation system, filling the building and using the infrared in your domino mask to sedate everyone before the cops arrived so no one got hurt (because there would inevitably be a firefight if the cops got involved).

You never go into a situation expecting to go hand-to-hand with someone; you always have a plan to take our your targets quickly an efficiently.

One night, when you’re working on a cold case in Gotham, you stumble across some intel that Poison Ivy’s been stockpiling chemicals and is going to wipe out all human life on Earth.

Luckily for you, Bruce’s paranoia is hereditary; you just happen to carry some white kryptonite in your belt, so you won’t have to go all the way back to the cave to obtain some.

You type out a quick debrief on your wrist computer in case you end up needing to send out an S.O.S., pop on your bottom mask to filter out spores or pheromones she might send in your direction, and bust out your shinobi-iri training again.

Of course, you try the peaceful approach, explaining to Ivy that you agree with her on the tree-hugger front to build rapport (T.B.F., who doesn’t?), but it comes to physical confrontation. You kill every vine that comes your way with a quick punch from your kryptonite ring, toss an expanding polyurethane foam bomb (see Batgirl #38) at her feet, and manage to get an inhibitor collar on her.

Gordon takes her away, and by the next morning, it’s on the news.

“You took down Ivy by yourself?” Bruce asks when you come down for breakfast.

“… Yeah,” you say after a moment, expecting a tongue-lashing.

“Are you hurt?”

“No. She didn’t get a hit in. And before you ask, I had a contingency set up in case things went sideways.”

“… Good job.”

Your dad has the article framed in the batcave, which is the bat-equivalent of having your drawing on the fridge or getting a sticker back on a test.

You’re fighting a grin for the rest of the day.

It bugs you you can’t tell anyone why you’re so happy, so you visit Dick in Blüdhaven while he’s on patrol and give him a play-by-play. You even get a hair-ruffle!

Deathstroke targets you at some point. One of Batman and Nightwing’s worst villains, and he targets you because he knows they love you. You’re the smallest bat at the time, the weakest; he thinks you’ll be the easiest to take.

Boy, was he wrong.

He was trained by the League of Assassins, so you know dropping a smoke bomb’s not going to give you cover (and his mask probably has infrared). His brain processes faster than yours, so tricking him is improbable. He’s probably done enough research on you to know you favor foam bombs and has fast enough reflexes to dodge before they go off.

And he’s jammed your comms so you can’t call for backup. You’re worried he’s got kryptonite on him and will hurt Superman if you call for help.

It’s just you and him.

He has enhanced stamina, so he tries to wear you out. You maintain distance to avoid taking damage and wearing faster.

You always admired Tim for his ability to plan ahead (see, like, the entirety of the Red Robin comics). He doesn’t know how he does it; he just does. He can’t really teach you, so you just watch and learn.

You realize your fight with Slade is just a matter of managing the distance and immobilizing him, so you strike. You duck behind a pillar or grab onto a railing or something and shoot him through the thigh with your grappling gun, reeling him in. He, of course, draws his sword or a knife to cut the line, but you’re already throwing high-density expanding polyurethane bombs.

And, just like that, you’ve single-handedly taken Deathstroke.

It sends a clear message to the rest of the Gotham villains, Blüdhaven’s villains, the League of Assassins — don’t mess with the bat’s little girl. She can hold her own.

Now it’s time for you to come up with another plan to take him down; you doubt the same method will work twice, and you’ve just made a very powerful enemy.

As Wonder Woman’s said, “Do not mistake a desire to avoid violence for an inability to deal with it.” You might go into most situations with a plan to take down your opponent already in motion, but when it comes to an all-out brawl, you’re perfectly capable and don’t pull your punches.

You’re working on an unsolved case in Blüdhaven (Dick’s got enough on his plate) when you get an S.O.S. from the aforementioned along with the feed and recording from his mask. You listen to the mission briefing while you ride back to the cave and then the audio from the Young Justice mission. They got jumped by the League of Shadows in an abandoned factory, and Talia’s trying to coerce Damian into joining the League or whatever.

The usual dropping some smoke bombs and tranqing everyone isn’t going to work on thirty armed League assassins who were trained to fight blind, so you load up on polyurethane foam bombs and call Jason and Cassandra.

The three of you take out the guards outside before splitting up and taking either end of the building (Cass stays with you). You meet in the middle, in the room the team’s being held in.

You highjacked the speakers, so they’re blasting AC/DC’s “Shoot to Thrill” upon Jason’s insistence. You wanted Zayde Wølf or Alice Cooper’s “Hey, Stoopid,” but big brothers will be big brothers.

Jason pops them with rubber bullets from above to slow them down for you while Cass demolishes them and you drop foam bombs, slinging your signature custom shuriken, bonk them over the head with Tim’s staff you picked up along the way, dislocate their arms, or shatter their kneecaps. 

You and Jason get a couple slices from swords that got a little too close, but it’s nothing compared to what you’ve had before. 

When the fighting’s done and the building’s quiet, the team’s, like, “Who the heck are you guys?” 

And Dick’s, like, 😏 “They’re our siblings.” 

Speaking of siblings, you’re older than Damian, and as such, you take upon yourself the honor of teaching him all things pop-culture.

“I have a lot of amazing older siblings. I want to be a good big sister.”

First things first, you give him one of your refurbished e-waste phones and take him to Target to pick out an OtterBox or a LifeProof case or something that’ll keep it safe in the pocket of a vigilante.

Vigilantes are always coming to you when their phone’s broken anyway; you’ve got a stack of spares you’ve repaired.

Then you help him set up a Spotify account (follow me at @remakethestars 😉) and try to help him find his rhythm.

Poor child’s never had Oreos before, so you drag a pack of Double Stuffs out of the cabinet and a glass of milk and show him the best milk-dunking method you know.

You think about handing him a cookie and telling him to waterboard it until the bubbles stop coming up, but cookie-dunking is something every kid does; it’s sacred, and you don’t want him to associate it with violence.

You show him how you and Alfred feed the bats in the batcave.

And you show him Vine compilations and your favorite shows and movies and as many classics as you can, and you put up with him pointing out the inaccuracies and calling them stupid.

Every time he doesn’t get a reference, you write it down so you know what to show him later.

If anything ever happens to you, Damian finds your list and makes it his personal mission to watch/read everything on it. It makes him feel close to you.

You build a relationship with him that’s similar to his and Dick’s, and he comes to you with things he might not be able to come to anyone else with.

Plus, since you live in the manor still and he doesn’t want Bruce to think less of him, it’s you he comes to after a nightmare.

If you know Alfred has pictures of him curled up in your side, you ask him to send them to you. Not for blackmail purposes; just to have.

You’d never use the need of comfort or the sharing of emotions against him because (A) it’s perpetuating toxic masculinity and (B) you don’t want him to think it’s wrong or confirm any of the stupid “strength” things the League of Shadows taught him.

You gave him a stuffed cat that looks like Alfred (the cat, not the butler) with some of your perfume spritzed on it. He verbalized his revulsion when you gave it to him, but on nights he has a bad dream and you’re not home, it brings him comfort.

Titus comes to get you when Damian’s upset. 

Even when he’s not with Damian, he seems to know. Pets are like that.

You’ve learned to trust Titus’s instincts. Damian thinks it’s suspicious when he’s feeling down and you just happen to call.

You never realized it until a long time later, but Ace was acting weird the day Jason came back from the dead.

And he was acting weird the day Jason came back to Gotham too. He ran to the door and began barking. Alfred swept security, but nothing seemed to be off. The whole family was on edge that day.

You were the reason Jason knew he wasn’t completely forgotten; he spotted you through a café window, and you were wearing his jacket.

Visit my headcanon masterlist.

[thegayhimbo]

Bill Compton’s problematic relationship with Jessica Hamby.....

This is a post I’ve wanted to do for a long time because out of all the relationships on the show (aside from Sookie/Bill), this is one of the few that bothers me the most. It’s a relationship held up by fans to be this loving father-daughter dynamic. However, when I first saw the show, I was left cold by it, and never understood why people thought it was a meaningful relationship.

Having just finished my rewatch, I can understand why I felt like that: There are MULTIPLE MOMENTS on the show where Bill’s treatment of Jessica is neglectful at best and abusive at worst. Most of the time, Bill either treats Jessica as a burden or someone he can use, and he barely knows what’s going in her life unless Jessica brings it up to him. That’s also including that he’s lied to her, betrayed her, hurt her, refused to do his duty to her as a maker to her unless forced to (or unless he got some benefit out of it), kept secrets from her, and was NASTY to her at various moments during the show. It got to a point where I kept wondering if I was watching the same show as everyone else. It’s especially egregious since plenty of people talking about how this was one of the best relationships on the show (which it isn’t).

In this list, I’m going through all the instances where Bill’s treatment of Jessica ranges from neglectful to abusive. All of them span over the course of 7 seasons, so POTENTIAL SPOILERS AHEAD! The reason I am doing this is to highlight the issues with this relationship, and why I think it’s problematic that the show (and fans) treat this as a good relationship when it’s anything but. Without further ado:

1.) After Jessica gets turned into a vampire, Bill makes a half-assed attempt to get her to drink True Blood instead of teaching her how to feed properly and safely from a human. When this doesn’t work, he dumps Jessica with Eric.

2.) Bill proceeds to leave Jessica with Eric for two weeks (and makes not attempt to ever pick her up) until Eric comes back with Jessica and tells Bill to start doing his job as a maker. One has to question if Bill would have ever picked Jessica up from Fangtasia if Eric hadn't come.

3.) From the end of season 1 till season 3, Bill consistently treated Jessica like she was a burden and an embarrassment to him, even though Jessica was a teenager who needed help and support and wasn’t familiar with being a vampire.

4.) Bill wastes Jessica's time teaching her how to recycle when he should have taught her how to feed from a human. He knows that she can't live off of True Blood, and that she's going to have to learn to feed safely so she isn't a danger to others. He fails to do this for her.

5.) At one point, Bill slut-shames Jessica for her attire, and it's played for laughs instead of Bill being called out for his misogynistic behavior.

6.) When Jessica is kissing Hoyt, Bill grabs Jessica and violently throws her across the room even though she wasn't feeding from Hoyt. There is no reason that, as her maker, he couldn't have ordered her to stop, or just restrained her without using physical violence.

7.) Bill keeps secrets from Jessica (like his mission from Queen Sophie Anne) that puts her in danger. He never establishes a contingency plan with her if she came into contact with a powerful vampire and either needed to defend herself, get away from them, or hide from them. The result is Franklin Mott (a serial rapist) shows up at her front door and her life is almost put in danger because of it.

8.) Jessica is forced to get her first job on her own to make money instead of getting any help from Bill.

9.) Bill was set to release Jessica in season 3 despite being a newborn and barely having an idea on how to feed from someone safely. She also had no training to protect herself from other vampires or humans who wanted to harm her. This is basically the equivalent of a parent throwing their kid out of the house. It’s not okay that Jessica has to BEG Bill to be a proper maker to her because he was doing a shit job at it.

10.) Bill drags Jessica into a dangerous situation against werewolves and a 3000 year old vampire who almost succeeds in killing her. Bill knew she wasn’t ready after only one training session, and Jessica’s life was endangered because of his carelessness.

11.) After the fight at Sookie’s house, the last we see of Jessica is her being chased away by a werewolf. Not only does Bill NOT bother to check to see if Jessica is okay afterwards, he proceeds to have gross unappealing sex with Sookie in the middle of her destroyed house. It’s all about him and what he wants in that moment, and it’s like he completely forgets Jessica.

12.) Bill doesn’t ever tell Jessica the real reasons for why Sookie broke up with him (i.e. that he allowed the Rattarays to beat the shit out of her) and lets Jessica believe that Sookie was at fault for the break-up and that she was a bad girlfriend to him.

13.) Bill tells Jessica that she’s required to be honest with Hoyt even though he isn’t honest with her.

14.) When Antonia breaks free from Bill’s prison and plans to cast a spell that will force vampires to walk into the sun, instead of sending Jessica out of Louisiana to keep her safe so that she wouldn’t be targeted by Antonia’s spell, Bill keeps her with him for some unexplained reason.

15.) Bill refuses to completely silver Jessica when Antonia is about to cast her spell. This results in Jessica breaking free, killing a guard, and almost walking into the sun before Jason saves her. His neglect in that moment almost got Jessica killed AGAIN.

16.) Even after Jessica almost gets killed, Bill STILL DOESN’T SEND HER AWAY despite the fact there’s a dangerous necromancer on the loose who could target her and possess her. He even drags Jessica to Moon Goddess Emporium against Antonia/Marnie, and puts her in danger because of his recklessness. Jessica almost gets killed because of this, but the show never calls out Bill for it.

17.) When Bill and Eric are forced to go on the run from the Authority after killing Nan Flanagan, Bill calls Jessica and lies to her about everything being fine and not to worry. He doesn't warn her that the Authority is coming after them. This is actually dangerous for Jessica because if the Authority had failed to capture Bill and Eric before they left the house, they might have gone after Jessica to capture, torture, and interrogate her on Bill's whereabouts. And even though that doesn't happen, the point is that it could have happened because Bill refused to warn her.

18.) When Bill comes back to see Jessica later in season 5, he lies to her about still being King (which doesn't bode well for Jessica if other vampires try to take advantage of her), he doesn't really bother to check on Jessica to see if she's doing okay and just assumes she is, and he isn't truthful with her about what's really going on: That there's a good chance he and Eric may get killed either bringing in Russell Edgington, or that the Authority may still have them executed for treason. Either way, he withholds this information from her instead of having Jessica prepare for the worst.

19.) When Bill becomes Chancellor in the Authority and joins up with the Sanguinistas, he sends the Authority guards to forcibly escort Jessica to HQ (while also commanding Jessica as her maker to go with them) and tries to force Jessica to convert to the Sanguinista ideology whether she likes it or not. Jessica even pointing out this is exactly how her biological family behaved towards her. He also tries to keep her locked up and isolated to convert her.

20.) When Jessica begs Bill to let her warn Jason and Sookie about Russell and Steve coming after them, Bill refuses to let her go warn them, and makes it clear that he doesn't care if they get captured, tortured, or killed because he just sees them as food at this point. It doesn’t matter to Bill that Jason and Sookie are her friends and are in danger.

21.) In an act of petty cruelty, Bill bullies Jessica into turning Jason into a vampire against his will by sending two Authority guards to make sure she goes through with this.

22.) When Jessica returns after refusing to turn Jason, and later stands up to Bill, he gets physically violent and SMACKS HER clear across the room before having her imprisoned. What makes this worse is that there is no moment later on where he apologizes to Jessica for being abusive towards her. It's glossed over by the show.

23.) Bill leaves Jessica to die at the Authority, and it’s only when he realizes she’s alive that he summons her in the most painful way possible (i.e. she’s puking up blood and feels like she’s going to die if she doesn’t answer Bill’s summons). He later indicates he knows this was hurting Jessica and doesn’t care.

24.) He deflects any responsibility for hitting Jessica and imprisoning her by claiming he’s not the same person that did that. Again, there is no moment on the show where he apologizes to her for his behavior.

25.) Once he manipulates Jessica into staying with him again, Bill/Billith makes Jessica responsible for his emotional well being and his “humanity.” In other words, he knows he’s going to be doing awful things in the future, and instead of owning up to that, he’s making Jessica responsible for being a good person. That is abusive.

26.) He later tasks Jessica with dressing up in a sexually provocative way to kidnap a professor against his will. Putting aside how he previously slut-shamed her for having revealing clothing, it’s pretty gross that he’s now having Jessica participate in his crimes.

27.) He has Jessica lure Andy’s faerie girls to his mansion l(ike one of those creepy Unsubs from Criminal Minds) and tasks Jessica with keeping an eye on them. He makes no attempts to ensure the faerie girls safety, especially since Jessica has a history of poor impulse control. Not even an “As your maker, I command you not to feed on these faerie girls.” And then he leaves her alone with them. Shock of all shockers, Jessica loses control and 3 out of 4 of the faerie girls are dead.

28.) When Jessica is high on faerie blood and consumed with guilt over killing the faerie girls, Bill coldly tells her to sleep it off. He makes no attempt to comfort her or make sure she doesn’t do something stupid (since she’s drunk on faerie blood and not in a rational state of mind), nor does he make any attempt to give his blood to the other faerie girls in a possible attempt to revive them. He doesn’t care. He just found out about Warlow, which means Jessica’s guilt and the deaths of the faerie girls mean nothing to him. The result is that Jessica runs off to Jason’s for comfort, and gets captured by the LAVTF and sent to Vamp Camp. All because of Bill’s neglect.

29.) At the end of season 6, Bill goes off to do a 6-month book tour while he leaves Jessica behind to deal with the guilt of killing Andy’s faerie kids. There is no moment where he expresses remorse for his role in their deaths, nor does he make any attempt to help Jessica heal over the trauma and guilt of what happened.

30.) In season 7, when Bill finds out that Jessica hasn’t been feeding because she still feels guilty over what happened, and that she’s also offering protection to Adylin, this is what he says to her:

“So you are protecting Adilyn? And she is not feeding you in exchange for that protection?”

Not only is Bill completely unaware of Jessica’s mental and emotional state right now (because he’s that neglectful of her), but he lacks self-awareness about WHY Jessica doesn’t want to feed from Adylin: She’s the one that lost control and drained Adylin’s sisters. This idea that Bill perpetrates that Jessica’s relationship with Adylin should be a transaction where she only protects her in exchange for something is so revealing about what kind of person Bill Compton is: Every relationship is a pragmatic transaction for him. Bill only cares about other people when it is convenient for him. And he couldn’t bother to help Jessica when she was struggling with remorse over her actions whereas he felt no guilt over what he did.

What. An. Asshole.

31.) At the end of season 7, Bill opts to kill himself without caring about how this going to affect Jessica emotionally. Keep in mind that in season 4, Jessica had Bill promise not to ever commit suicide again (after he supposedly tried to do so when Marnie ordered him and Eric to kill each other). And once again, Bill breaks that promise because it’s all about him and what he wants. What makes this even more repugnant is he frames this as a good thing for both him and Jessica.

32.) In his final act of being an asshole, Bill pressures Jessica into getting married to Hoyt even though he doesn’t have his memories and they still haven’t worked through the issues that caused their relationship to fall apart in the first place. When Jessica expresses concern about this (since this is all happening too fast), Bill uses the death of his biological daughter (i.e. the same one he refused to save in that season 5 flashback) to guilt-trip Jessica into doing this marriage so that she’ll be “spoken for.” He’s basically shoving his patriarchal (and misogynistic) beliefs onto Jessica.

There are probably other moments that I missed, but the overall gist I’ve gotten from this relationship is that it’s one-sided, and that Bill’s treatment of Jessica is not only awful, it’s emotionally (and in some cases, physically) abusive. There’s this fanon idea that’s gone around for many years that Bill was this wonderful maker and father-figure to Jessica, which is NOT supported by what’s shown.

What makes this problematic is that the show tried to frame this like it’s a relationship we’re suppose to root for. Personally, I’m left cold by it. I can think of many other platonic relationships on this show (Andy/Terry, Sookie/Jason, Tara/Lafayette, etc) that were either better written, more heartwearming, or had meaningful character development that lasted. Bill/Jessica was not one of those. It’s bad enough that Bill’s an awful character who continues to age like spoiled milk, but this relationship he has with Jessica.........................it makes my skin crawl.

Jessica deserved so much better than Bill. She deserved a maker who actually put effort into their relationship with her (and not when it was convenient for them), and Bill deserved to be called out for his treatment of Jessica during the show. I HATE this relationship, and it’s one more reason why Bill Compton is one of the WORST characters I have ever seen on a TV show.

[granddaddycaldwell]

Answering Old Ask

Under the cut - starting from newest to oldest. I believe these range three weeks of unanswered ask so if you have sent me a message within the last three weeks, it is here :) If you don’t see it, feel free to send it again! 

It does always surprise me when one of these couples do start their marriage only living in an RV or trailer, mainly cause I think like - where are you parking that? In my area, you can only park RVs in a driveway or a campsite, and from what I know, the campsite parking are limited to summer seasons only. I’m sure it’s very different down in Florida where they are, but it is still a wild concept to me. 

I also get surprised cause like, I know these people are going to be popping out babies as fast as they can so like, wouldn’t they want to have a place to pop those babies into that will fit all the babies? I guess Nurie did live in an RV with 11 siblings at one point though so maybe she is not so concerned with having a house. 

I don’t see anything wrong with RV living if the RV is roomy enough and whatnot, but considering Nurie’s mom Jill had the famous “baby jail” in their RV, I just don’t know what to expect with Nurie and Nathan.

Katie can’t be bothered to do ANY research, she just wants to steal what other people have found and call it a day. I’m sure if someone posted that Hannah was in that photo, she would be posting all about it, saying how they must be engaged, and shouting out Jim-Bob to “fess up the information” 🙄🙄🙄 She calls herself an “investigator nerd” and yet only just “reported” Erin’s ovary removal three days ago....

This just makes me so, so sad for her child. Breastfeeding is nice in that it saves money and is convenient, but it is not the by-all-end-all. The by-all-end-all, the absolutely most important part, is your child getting their nutrients. If that cannot be done by breastfeeding alone (or at all), please subsidize with formula for your child’s sake. The fact that Karissa put her own ego over her child’s health infuriates me. There is nothing wrong with feeding a child formula, but there are a lot of things right about it when you literally cannot fully supply for them through breastfeeding only. 

That is hilarious, I love the similarity and officially declare us internet twins!! Congratulations on your completed family!! 

Haha, I feel like I knew that info but didn’t really relate it to my own son’s name until now😂😂 So here we are having babies around the same time and apparently naming somewhat similarly. I also hate when a name is ruined - one of my fav boy names is Thomas but that name is ruined for my husband so it is forever veto’d for us. 

Since we have now seen Ester in a bikini, I am starting to think Nathan may not police her wardrobe as much. Maybe he enjoys her “nike” dressing. I do think he will try to control her in other aspects though, and I honestly can’t see him being a very emotionally supportive husband. I could be bias honestly, I just really hate Nathan. 

I agree that Lawson doesn’t care as much about how his partner dresses. I feel like as long as she is conservative and modest, he is ok with her wearing jeans and shorter dresses and skirts. Lawson seems pretty close with Alyssa and Alyssa is not a dress/skirt only person at all, so I think he would be more chill about his girlfriend also not being one. As long as she is just as judgey as he is, and worships his ground as Tiffany does, I think he is ok. 

RIGHT!!! Like, no one cares if someone is not masked up in their own home?? Personally, I don’t even care if someone is not masked up when out in public in their photos cause I just assume they removed it for the photo and were otherwise wearing it (I probably am assuming too kindly for these people though, but it’s just how I act so I assume it is how other’s do too y’know?), but like.... the problem is her baby was JUST BORN!!! JUST BORN!! And date nights are SUCH a priority that she is taking this JUST BORN baby into the pandemic world instead of trying to keep her home and safe for at least a month? (I would prefer longer but given a week was too hard for her, I can’t expect too much I guess.) 

The fact that they have to continue their weekly date nights outings in a pandemic when they just had a baby bugs me too. Couldn’t you just have a date-night-at-home thing to protect your child’s brand new immune system? It just seems so reckless to me. I don’t even blame you for sending in so many ask about the dumb birthday tradition thing though because that shit bothers me so much too. 

Yeah, fundie world annoys me cause the playing field is all the same once they turn 18, but I know they are using age as a power dynamic. ESPECIALLY, when the girl is younger - it just creates more of an unequalness in the relationship where there is already so much unequalness. 

That said, in real life, the big age gaps don’t bug me as much. I personally couldn’t date anyone younger than me but that’s just a preference thing. My husband did start dating me when he was 27 and I was 20 (well, technically I was 19 years and 10 months LOL) but we were in the same life stage and have always worked hard to have a relationship of equalness. We literally forget there is an age gap all the same (until I say things like “remember when your teacher would play youtube videos and not move the cursor?” and he would reply with, “no, youtube wasn’t invented until after I graduated high school” hahahahaha). Also, I was the one who chased him and I thought he was only 22 when I was doing so cause he looks so young. He was super apprehensive about even talking to me but eventually came around, obviously. 

Anyways, TLDR cause I ramble a lot: Big age gaps in real life = not always bad but still be careful cause people can still suck and some people pry on younger people to take advantage, but big age gaps in fundie world = nerve wracking af cause there is already too much unequalness to add in more.

I’ve noticed this as well, and I am super glad to see it! I hope she isn’t getting any flake from her family for it. I would die if I saw her in jeans honestly, I hope one day she buys herself a good pair!!

And yet, these type of people see no irony in the way they act!! Ethan’s wife is literally apart of his life so yeah, the way he was raised and how that way still impacts him today and impacts their marriage is VERY MUCH her business. The only person whose business it is not is a random commenter trying to defend some people she doesn’t even know🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄 

[ironforgedrp]

♛   AELYN FLORENT

↳ details; female, 25, born on the twelfth day of the sixth month on 481 AC. ↳ status; heterosexual, betrothed, no children. ↳ faceclaim; synnove karlsen. ↳ hails from; the arbor, brightwater keep, the reach. ↳ loyalty; house redwyne, house tyrell.

↳ position/title; eldest daughter of lord florent, ward of house redwyne. ↳ religion; faith of the seven. ↳ magical ability; none. ↳ spoken languages; common tongue. ↳ reason for being in sunspear; to meet her betrothed, prince cedric tyrell.

♛   PERSONALITY

↳ type; enfj-a (protagonist). ↳ alignment; lawful good. ↳ star sign; gemini. ↳ positives; caring, charismatic, altruistic, social, intelligent, adaptable. ↳ negatives; overly idealistic, too selfless, sensitive, indecisive, impulsive, moody.

♛  BIOGRAPHY

↳ family lineage.

Daughter of Lady Arwyn Redwyne and Lord Kivan Florent of Brightwater Keep, Aelyn was born into House Redwyne and Florent, though the circumstances of her birth and early life were rather unfortunate. Her mother, Lady Arwyn Redwyne, the second-born child of House Redwyne and had spent her life being loved and dotted on. When the time came, the beautiful young woman was sent to Brightwater Keep in order to marry the Lord of House Florent, Kivan Florent. Lady Arwyn soon fell pregnant, though everyone’s joy was shorted lived, much like her own as she merely got a chance to hold her baby girl. The new mother caught an infection during childbirth and lost her battle with it after two weeks, leaving the baby girl in the sole care of her father and his family. The Florent family, however, was greatly displeased by the fact that they were given a sickly, weak bride who also gave them a girl instead of an heir. For Aelyn that had consequences; since she was a baby, Aelyn was treated not as a child of Lord Florent, but as an unwanted guest in their home, both by her father and his close family. As a baby, she was raised by her septa, the family had little to no involvement. Soon after her mother’s death, her father remarried and his new wife fell pregnant in a short time after the marriage. As the baby girl was growing older, it was becoming apparent that her father’s new bride did not want her, nor would she allow her to play with her own children. Aelyn was often kept away from her half-siblings or wasn’t allowed to have meals with the rest of the family at all. She often found herself busy with reading, practicing the high harp, dances, and when she could sneak away, she would play with the children of the servants and guards that were around her age. However, her step-mother was a strict woman and would often keep her isolated in her rooms, especially around guests, so none would see the embarrassment of the house. Aelyn felt completely alone and she found solitude in her books when her father and his wife wouldn’t allow her to practice any musical instruments or dances, simply keeping her in her rooms.

She had just turned seven years old when she heard that word had arrived that asked of her to be sent to her mother’s home as a ward. Overhearing the conversation between her father and his family made her almost leap with joy. Even though she was not quite certain of what all that meant, she was simply ecstatic that someone was asking after her, someone wanted her. Not long after, she was all packed up and boarded a ship to travel to the Arbor, her mother’s home, where she would eventually meet her uncle. Clinging to the railings, she watched as the waves rolled by, crashing against the ship, anticipating the time of her arrival. Her time at the Arbor was much like the child had dreamed of since her uncle’s letter arrived; she felt loved and valued, she was cared for, she no longer felt like they were ashamed of her, trying to hide her or wishing to send her away. Her care was trusted to a septa and her mother’s younger sister, and she was brought up learning all kinds of skills, including dances and the high harp she so loved. As the years passed, Aelyn was getting more involved in religious practices, as well as spending her time volunteering in many ways in order to help the less fortunate. Her life was full of love and meaning now, and she was growing to learn more and more about the struggles common people faced in their daily lives. The freedom and happiness she was surrounded by was threatened when her father sent word to her uncle demanding she returns to Brightwater Keep in order to be betrothed and secure the family an alliance. The news devastated her, though she obediently awaited as everything was packed and ready for her departure. Her uncle, Garland Redwyne ordered her trip to be postponed and she hoped and prayed that he had a plan that would not require her to return to those awful people she wished not to acknowledge as her family. News soon arrived naming her uncle Master of War and Ships and her betrothed to the King’s younger brother, Prince Cedric Tyrell.

Aelyn was not displeased if anything she had faith and trust in her uncle’s decision. House Tyrell was a House she had grown fond of through the tellings of her family, reading of their story and achievements. A just and peaceful House, in her opinion. That match secured her, though she was certain her father must not be very pleased with not being the one to make the decision; she regarded her uncle more of a paternal figure than her biological father. Regardless of the opinion of House Florent on the matter, that allowed her to spend more time doing what she loved more, whilst still surrounded by her family; writing and reading. Her love for books had grown as she grew older. Spending a lot of time in town, and a lot of it in the library or the local bookshop. In all actuality, the bookshop held a familiarity to her since it was the first place she visited at the Arbor and a place she frequented; books had been her getaway when she was living in Brightwater Keep and this place offered a certainty. Aelyn befriended the old gentleman, often helping him out in the store. However, wanting to truly feel free and nobody to know her, really, she dressed in commoner clothing when visiting the store, not wishing to be offered any special treatment because of the status and name. She quickly became friends with the older man, so much so he treated her more like a daughter. It was one of those times when he confided in her about how stressed he was regarding the raise of taxes again. A fact that she confirmed was not a lone case; she knew many common people, and she spoke to most of them pretending to struggle herself, finding out they all faced similar problems. It was an awakening call. The young girl felt obligated to help, however, in reality, she held no real power over such matters, so she turned to what she knew best, wishing it would end up helping her friend, and all those who struggled financially or otherwise. She started writing her own pieces, mainly political ones, persuading the people to demand more rights or the leaders to be more compassionate towards their subjects. Her writings were focusing on a fairer taxing system based on one’s income rather than their status. Many struggled with feeding their families, too, and Aelyn wrote about all these hoping for the best. Using the printing press in the bookshop, she printed pamphlets and discretely put them in the baskets along with other pamphlets which she knew would be distributed around town by young delivery boys. Later on she wrote in order to be supportive of King Emeric on his opinion to separate from the Iron Throne. All of her pieces were published and signed under the name “Themis”, a name most would think to be male, and that enabled her to secure them being published as well as taken into consideration; it also served as to withhold her anonymity, not risking her family��s name for her, sometimes, controversial opinions.

Recently she traveled to Sunspear in order to meet her betrothed, determined to secure this alliance. She arrived a little late for the celebrations, though she was a little pleased she was not present at the attack during the Sun God and Goddess announcements.

↳ personality.

Aelyn is generally a people’s person; she is easy to talk to and communicate, she loves meeting new people and adapts in conversation and personalities very easily. She has a charm that draws people in and is never afraid to speak her mind with carefully placed words. She cares deeply for people and it is easy to win her over, which makes her too selfless sometimes to the point where she will bury her own needs in order to aid someone else, which can be taken advantage of. Overall she dreams of a better, fairer world where everyone has a chance, sometimes makes her too idealistic in her beliefs and writings. Her sensitive nature makes her more compassionate towards people in general, even when one does not deserve her kindness. Despite being pretty certain with what she wants in general when it comes to actually making a decision, she can be indecisive and impulsive in her judgment and actions. You can usually find Aelyn being happy and sweet, but she is also moody, her mood fluctuates easily, and often when something goes bad it can ruin her whole day, which also makes her a little bit dramatic.

↳ the splitting of the kingdoms.

It is her first time away from home and she is equally excited and terrified to be going to a new place, especially to meet a man who she is betrothed to. She, of course, has read a lot about Dorne and she wants to experience the life there, though the reason why she is coming to Dorne, aside from meeting Prince Cedric Tyrell, is more complex. She is supportive of King Emeric Tyrell with every fibre of her being, and she has a lot of faith in him as a ruler, hence why she personally feels it was a right decision to separate from the Iron Throne. However, what highly concerns her is the uncertainty regarding the dynamics between the more recently formed Kingdoms and how everything will work out. She does believe the Iron Throne King and Queen have always had good intentions and best interest, but her loyalty has always been to House Tyrell and her mother’s house, House Redwyne. The latest news regarding the attack immediately filled her with worries about what will come next and whether this summit will do more harm than good. However, she tries to be generally optimistic and also showcase her support towards her home and King.

    ♛    STATUS:  TAKEN

[therainroguefanfiction]

🔥 ℝise Ⱥbove I̾t ◈ Chapter 012 [Realization]

📑 Table of Contents | ◂Backward

Word Count: 2,487 ☁

⊱ ────── {⋅. 🔥 .⋅} ────── ⊰

〈“The revolution has begun. This time, rewriting history. One life, one fire, remember me.” Skillet, “Set It Off”〉

⊱ ────── {⋅. 🔥 .⋅} ────── ⊰

After the teams of two had been chosen, several people turned to look at me and I cursed under my breath, moving closer to Fumi. Why did I have to be the odd one out? Well, I guess it makes sense if you think about it. I may have been born in this world, but I’m still an outsider.

“Sir!” Prep’s hand shot up again. “What about Winchester?”

How the fuck does he know my name when I don’t know his? I should really pay more attention… Nah, fuck that, too much effort.

Toshi’s bright smile didn’t falter. “Young Jen is the extra factor! Battles aren’t always a clean hero vs villain fight. Sometimes, there will be a third element that will take advantage of the chaos, and that is where you come in!” He pointed directly at me before flipping his hand over and beckoning me forward. I reluctantly approached, trying to ignore all of the eyes staring into my back. “Please choose a team from this box, but keep it hidden! Whoever you get, it will be your job to stop both heroes and villains, and claim the weapon for yourself!”

“Isn’t that a bit much? She’ll have to take on four people by herself, ribbit.”

“This will be a good lesson! Often times, heroes are vastly outnumbered and must outsmart their opponents to get the upper hand.”

I reached into the box and grabbed the first slip of paper my fingers touched. I could feel him looking over my shoulder as I unfolded it. Team E… that’s the Alien chick and the French Fry. What are their quirks again? I stuffed the paper into my pocket before returning to Fumi’s side, scratching my cheek thoughtfully.

Toshi stuck one hand into the villain box and the other into the hero box. “I declare that the first team to fight will be… these guys! Team A will be the heroes, team D will be the villains! Everyone else can head to the monitoring room to watch.”

“Yes, sir!”

As I passed by him, I could feel pure rage seeping off of Bakugo as he glared at Bunny. He looked absolutely murderous, while Bunny looked terrified. Is there some history there or somethin’? Whatever, it has nothin’ to do with me. The group gathered in the observation room.

“Alright, let’s begin the indoor combat training! Team A and team D, your time starts now!” The screen that Toshi stood in front of was huge and had multiple shots from cameras inside the building. He glanced back at us. “Pay attention, kids. Think about what you would do.”

What I would do? I would say fuck all this effort and go get tacos. A weight fell onto my head and I recognized the coolness that belonged to Shadow, his clawed hands resting on my shoulders as he watched the screens curiously. I could see their lips moving as they talked to one another, but there was no audio. How can a place with such a huge ass fucking budget not be able to afford cameras that can record audio? What the fuck, man.

Ooh, girl, Bakugo slid around that corner fast as fuck. I’m surprised Bunny managed to dodge his attack. Maybe he’s not as weak as he looks.

“He almost got the jump on him!”

“A sneak attack, Bakugo?” Red slammed his fist into his palm. “What kind of man pulls cheap crap like that?”

“Villains,” I commented, giving him a blank look when he turned to look at me. “Villains don’t follow the rules, they don’t play fair. They do what they want because they can. Have you never heard of ‘no honor among thieves’?”

“It’s a viable strategy,” Toshi added. “He’s playing the part, acting like a true villain would.”

Something tells me this kid ain’t acting. I can see it in his eyes as clear as day, the anger and the hatred. I’ve seen it in my own eyes when I thought about Skye and Heather, but I find it hard to believe the dynamic between those two is the same situation. Bunny doesn’t exactly look like the bullying type. Honestly, it seems the opposite.

“It didn’t work! Midoriya dodged it.”

Midoriya? Why does that name sound so damn familiar?

“Look, there he goes!”

Bakugo attacked again, but Bunny grabbed his arm and tossed him over his shoulder. I whistled in surprise. I didn’t know that kid had it in him. He’s always acting so shy and timid. Hell, he couldn’t even look me in the eye back at the nurse’s office. Was it all an act? Well, whatever he’s saying, it’s really pissing off Bakugo, though that doesn’t seem to take much effort to do.

“Hey, who is Bakugo talking to? I’m not hearing anything.” Red frowned. “Can we get any sound with this video?”

“He’s got a radio in his ear so he can talk to his partner,” Toshi explained. “I gave it to him before the match started, along with a map of the building. Also this, a roll of capture tape.” He pulled out a spool of thin white tape. “Wrapping this around your opponent means you’ve apprehended them and they’re out for the rest of the game.”

“So, there’s a fifteen-minute time limit and the good guys have no idea what floor the nuclear weapon is hidden on, right?” Alien asked.

“Correct!”

“Then the heroes are clearly as a disadvantage here, a big one!”

I scoffed, folding my arms. “Of course they fucking are. The heroes are entering the villain’s territory. Do you expect them to sit down and give the heroes info about the building and the bomb before they start fighting?”

She frowned at me. “Well, no, but…”

“Real pros have to outwit villains on a daily basis!” Toshi explained. “That’s life. Even when the odds aren’t in our favor, we fight! All together!”

“Let’s hear a plus ultra!” Everyone raised their arm just as Toshi did, chorusing the phrase.

Well, he certainly knows how to inspire people, I’ll give him that. He already has these kids wrapped around his fucking finger. It’s impressive, and kind of terrifying.

“Monsieur,” French Fry called out. “He’s on the move.”

Everyone turned their attention back to the fight as Bakugo started to attack. Bunny tried to wrap the tape around the blonde’s leg but he pulled free, attacking with an explosion that Bunny barely managed to dodge.

“The little guy’s really good!”

“He’s holding his own and he hasn’t even used his quirk yet!”

Hmm, that’s a good point. Why hasn’t he used his quirk? Is it something you can’t physically see? Or maybe… maybe he can’t control it. I glanced at Toshi, who seemed to be deep in thought. Something feels off about this, but what the fuck is it?

Bunny took off through the maze of hallways, easily losing Bakugo. Meanwhile, the brunette was busy searching for the bomb.

“That guy has some real anger issues. It’s kinda scary…”

He seems to have more pride than anger and the two are feeding off of each other. That’s gonna be a serious problem for that kid. Will he overcome it, I wonder? Oh, the brunette found the bomb, but what is she gonna do about it? She… Is she laughing? And now Prep has noticed her presence. Jesus, these guys are a mess. I glanced at the clock. Six minutes left. I wonder if they can manage to pull this off.

Bakugo appeared behind Bunny and his right gauntlet flashed once. A bad feeling settled in the pit of my stomach as I stepped forward, pushing the others out of my way. Shadow called my name, but I ignored it, my eyes trained on the scene. He pulled back the trigger, revealing a pin as he changed his stance.

“Young Bakugo! Don’t do it! You’ll kill him!”

I could feel the raw power building from here. A chill went down my spine as he pulled the pin, unleashing a huge blast that rocked the city.

“Come in! Come in Midoriya!”

Using the blast as a distraction, the brunette tried to claim the bomb, but before she could touch it, Prep sped by and picked it up, safely moving it to the other side of the room.

“Sir, isn’t this getting out of hand?” Red asked, worry lacing his voice. “That Bakugo is acting real crazy. He’s gonna kill ’em!”

“Not so,” Toshi replied, but his voice was shaking a bit. He was silent for a moment before talking over the mic. “Bakugo, use that store up power again and I’ll stop this fight. Your team will lose.”

I scowled at him. Why the fuck isn’t he stopping it now?

“To employ such a strong attack indoors is inviting the destruction of the stronghold you should be protecting!” He continued. “That’s a poor strategy, whether you’re a hero or a villain. The penalty will be a massive loss of points.”

Toshi, why aren’t you stopping this? I don’t understand what you’re trying to achieve here. Am I missing something? Is this one of the secrets you’re hiding from me?

Bakugo rushed forward and Bunny aimed a punch at him, which he easily dodged in mid-air, blasting Bunny in the back.

“What was that move?”

Peppermint spoke up for the first time, his deep voice pulling my attention away from the screen. “He doesn’t come off as a guy with a strategy, but he’s actually quite intelligent.”

“What are you talking about?”

“He changed his trajectory while in mid-air using a blast that doubled as a smokescreen. Very clever.”

Big Boobs added, “A feint attack like that requires an extreme amount of precision. He had to calculate the physics and demonstrate control over his quirk”

“Ugh, Bakugo is uber-talented. I hate it,”

Who the fuck says ‘uber’ unironically? My hands balled up into fists at my sides as Bakugo mercilessly attacked Bunny. It was like I was looking at the male version of Skye and Heather, but with fucking powers. This guy isn’t trying to win, he’s trying to prove a fucking point by building up his ego.

“This is hard to watch! All he has to do is wrap tape around him, not kill him!”

“Bakugo is certainly acting like a villain,” Fumi commented, darkly.

I could see Toshi’s hand shaking as he held the small mic in his hand.

“I thought Midoriya was pretty amazing at the start of the fight, but he’s completely outmatched in terms of combat power. Not to mention, Bakugo seems like a natural at this stuff.”

Toshi, what is going through your head? Why do you look so torn?

“He’s running away!”

“Not very manly, but he doesn’t have a choice. He’s out-gunned. Unless he’s got some sorta plan… it’s impossible.”

Oi, oi, oi, that’s some serious fucking power radiating off of that kid! It almost feels like…

Fuck. Midoriya is your successor, ain’t he Toshi? That’s why the name is so familiar, you mentioned it to me when you first found him, but I was so preoccupied with my own training that I forgot all about it.

“They’re gonna kill each other! Sir!”

Goddamn it! I bolted from the room, ignoring the yells from the others. I don’t know what that kid is trying to accomplish here and I personally don’t give a fuck about his motives. I didn’t stand up for myself all those years that Skye and Heather tortured me. All the insults and the daily beatings… I took them without even trying to fight back! I always told myself that it was because they were stronger. How could I hope to beat two girls that had been studying martial arts since they were five?

I told myself that if I just accepted their torture, they wouldn’t bully others. But I… I knew all along that they were still hurting other kids. It was a cop-out for myself. I knew what they were doing, but I did nothing! I didn’t stand up to them because, and because I was a cowardly little bitch, other people got hurt. Not anymore. I won’t let history repeat itself. I’ve got power now, and I won’t fucking waste it.

My feet pounded against the pavement as I ran, but just as I reached the building, a large explosion shook the earth, traveling up the building. I quickly lifted my arms against the force of the flying glass and debris, feeling a sting in my cheek. The entire building shook from the force of the blast.

Damn it, I wasn’t fast enough! I jumped off the railing, using it to propel myself farther as I jumped at the building, my hands digging into the broken glass of the window frame. I winced in pain, gritting my teeth as I pulled myself up and into the room. Voices reached my ears from a large hole on the right wall.

“This was your big plan… from the very beginning, wasn’t it?! You were playing me the entire time, you bastard!” There’s so much hatred and anger in Bakugo’s voice that it almost covered up the betrayal, but I could hear it.

“I wasn’t… going to use it…”

I stepped closer to the hole as the smoke cleared. Midoriya’s arm was swollen and discolored, just like his finger had been before. One for All did that to him?

“…because I can’t control it… my body just can’t handle… the backlash of my power yet… Mr. Aizawa said I’d be useless… but this was all… that I… could think of… this is the only way… I had any chance at winning…”

Fuck, why is my heart hurting so bad listening to him?

“The hero team… wins!!”

“Oi!” I jumped through the hole as he fell to the ground. I checked his pulse – it was slow but stable. “Jeez, kid. This was just an exercise… and you!” My gaze snapped to the blonde as I stood up, grabbing a fistful of his shirt. “What in the nine fucking hells is wrong with you?! You wanna be a hero? Cut the fucking bullshit!” I shoved him back. He stumbled but stayed on his feet, wide eyes staring at the floor. “Does a hero do that, huh?! Look at him, Bakugo!” He grabbed his face, forcing him to look at the unconscious boy. “If this is how heroes do shit, then count me the fuck out.”

His eyes snapped to mine and I could see the remorse lingering deep within them, but I was far too angry to care. I shoved him away again before returning to the green-haired boy, carefully slipping my arms under his body. I glanced at the blonde over my shoulder before scoffing and jumping down from the large hold on the side of the building. I hit the ground running, hurrying to get him to the nurse’s office.

⊱ ────── {⋅. 🔥 .⋅} ────── ⊰

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[hellzyeahthewebwieldingavenger]

Spider-Geddon #4 Thoughts

Oh dear how quickly we can fall.

So the good news is Molina is back on art and Barberi’s art complimenting his work makes for a mostly smooth transition between the two.

Other good news, we FINALLY take advantage of getting to see these Spider-Heroes interact. We see PS4 Spidey react to seeing an advanced Miles Morales and to seeing versions of himself and MJ married, not to mention learning other Peters ask RYV Pete and MJ how they wound up together. We also get to have a Peter Parker react to the presence of a Norman Osborn.

It is simply put the best scene of the entire comic and maybe the event over all, definitely the main book.

Yes indeed it sure was a great...page.

One page. Out of five issues. The penultimate one in fact.

Sigh...other good stuff...

·         Getting to see other people react with justifiable suspicion against Norman.

·         Norman being a sneaky bastard.

·         One or two funny lines, the crown jewel of which is Ben Reilly saying he’s never met a Norman Osborn who didn’t want to stab him in the back. Because of course...this is exactly what Norman did at the end of the Clone Saga

·         Seeing and acknowledging Spider-Cop!!!!!!!!!!!!!

·         Dinosaur Spider-Man exists!

·         Dissing the Other as a Deus Ex Machina.

Now that last one is a contestable point because I dunno for sure if the Other would be regarded as a dues ex machina.

And part of that is that it depends upon whether we are referring to it in the context of Spider-Verse alone or it’s initial story.

To me it didn’t just show up at the end of Spider-Verse and kill Solus therefore it doesn’t meet the requirement, and it was already established the Other has the ability to wipe out Inheritors way back in the original Other storyline. But was that a dues ex machina unto itself? You tell me.

What’s interesting is if that line came from Slott or Gage, I’d suspect the latter at which point gloriously it’d be Gage throwing shade at Slott.

Now he should still be wary of what he throws around because when you look at this issue he lives in a glass house. A smaller glass house than Slott perhaps but a glass house nevertheless.

Now some of these my problems might be born of ignorance because I haven’t read or can’t remember every single Spider-Man/Marvel comic.

But...for just one problem among many with the issue...you telling me Norman Osborn fucking with the Web of Life and Destiny means that there is 0 ways to travel between dimensions?

Like...even Doctor Strange or Reed Richards can’t help you (and the Spiders can tell even though they’ve not even left the room)?????????

Regarding Ben Reilly he’s seemingly willing to kill. Now of course Clone Saga era Ben Reilly really wasn’t. Or at least his attitude was the same as Peter’s was on the topic. I dunno what happened between Clone Conspiracy and this comic so set me straight but it seems like he’s back to normal now and as such...wouldn’t his attitude be the same as back in the 1990s? Now last time I covered this series I mentioned how it doesn’t make sense for the Spiders to not kill the Inheritors so on one level this does make sense, but it’s nevertheless internally inconsistent because Peter and the other softer heroes aren’t willing to do that. So what’s Ben’s deal.

Again that’s all debatable as a criticism because I don’t have all the info.

But there are plenty of other problems the biggest being the thing at the heart of this whole event, poor timing.

I spoke before about the headfuck that was the tie-ins happening during or after issue #2 despite being released earlier and placed earlier in the reading list.

The same thing happens again because if you, like me, were reading Spider-Force guess what a massive plot point from that gets spoiled as Jessica Drew makes it back to Earth 616 with Solus’ crystal...and runs right into the Inheritors. Nice to know however the final issue plays out their overall mission was a total and utter failure. At least with Scarlet Spiders back in Spider-Verse it served a purpose.

There is another headfuck moment of dumb in that scene too as the Inheritors try and fail to feed off of Jessica Drew, failing because she’s radioactive.

Now she’s wearing her radiation suit and, if you’ve been reading Spider-Force (it helps because this issue barely tries to explain) you’ll know she’s just got back from a radioactive Earth. So one would think the Inheritors’ inability to feed off of her is due to her recent trip there right?

Wrong, it’s because her powers are connected to radiation apparently.

Now I’m no Jessica Drew expert so I consulted the marvel.wiki and am taking their word as gospel for the sake of this post. It reads as follows:

“When Jessica Drew was about a year old, her parents moved from England to a small cottage in the outskirts of Wundagore Mountainin Transia. Her father, Jonathan Drew, geneticist and research partner to the man who would later become the High Evolutionary, found large amounts of uranium in their property, which gave them the financial resources to build a research facility to keep working on their controversial studies of evolution, genetics and cell regeneration

In the course of the next three years, life was good, until little Jessica became ill, poisoned by her long-time exposure to the Uranium that was so prevalent in their land. Jonathan, being an expert on the regenerative and immunological properties of arachnids' blood, injected Jessica with an untested serum made with the blood of several uncommon species of spiders, in the hopes of stopping the tissue damage and immunizing the girl from the Uranium radiation in her blood. Then, he sealed her in a genetic accelerator created by Herbert Wyndham a.k.a. the High Evolutionary to speed the process, but it only seemed to work at a very slow rate. In stasis for decades, her aging greatly slowed, until the treatments finally finished in recent years.”

 Can you spot any words or phrases in that remotely similar to ‘radiation blast’ as used in this issue? Let me know if you can because I can’t.

It’s not even like the radiation played a factor in actually granting her powers according to this. Whilst Spider-Man got his powers from a radioactive spider, for Spider Woman radiation was the disease the spider science was curing. The untested serum her Dad gave her is what gave her powers, the radiation had nothing to do with that. Basically unlike Peter, Jessica’s powers are not derived at all from radiation itself.

So yeah...Gage seems to have seriously contradicted Jessica Drew’s you know...origin story...

That would be bad enough but it gets worse.

For the sake of argument let us pretend that Gage’s ‘revised origin’ for Jessica was true. The implication of the comic is then that because of that the Inheritors can’t feed off of her life essence because radiation is poison to their kind.

Now let’s ignore for the moment that they somehow lived off of giant radioactive spiders for at least over a year, and how radiation is poisonous to most things so phrasing it that way is rather redundant (it’s like saying ‘Oh wait you are vulnerable to fire aren’t you!’). Instead let’s focus on this headscratcher. Jessica’s powers coming from radiation makes her inedible to the Inheritors...buuuuuuut...Peter Parker isn’t...nor are any of the other people who got powers from radioactive spider bites...

*head desk*

Were the editors drunk when they failed to catch that obvious inconsistency?

I mean Spider-Man literally has radioactive blood! That’s a line in the 1960s theme song!

How do you screw this up so badly?

It’s especially incompetent when the fact Jessica just walked out of a radioactive planet and is wearing a radiation suit could easily be used as an alternative explanation. Say she is at the moment contaminated with radiation but is herself not adversely affected by it thanks to her powers. This would actually be more in line with the original Morlun story because Morlun could feed off Spider-Man no problem up until he injected himself with radiation and became temporarily radioactive. So okay they can feed on the life force of totems with low levels of radiation in their blood but not when they are seriously cranking up the dial on a Geiger counter.

There are other inconsistencies though, albeit not as idiotic as that one.

The comic can’t quite decide whether or not Solus got killed last time because he battled the Other or if any sufficiently powerful sharp object could kill him. Doc Ock brings up Leopardon then Miles dismisses that option because Solus beat Leopardon in Spider-Verse an event Doc Ock knows about. So Doc Ock, who states he knows the wisdom of avoiding past mistakes, is suggesting they try the same thing that failed before a second time.

Now of course Otto is not mentally stable, oh no wait maybe he is because Gage paints him as in the right so often (and implies being in a new body fixed his insanity in a way later comic but that’s neither here nor there). It just doesn’t make sense on his part, nor does his dismissal of the Other as superstitious mumbo jumbo.

Ignoring how anyone in the Marvel Universe disregarding magic is fundamentally stupid, Doc Ock is fighting other dimensional totem vampires wrapped up with a cosmic web that enables travel between universes and is connected to a form of danger precognition for everyone associated with a spider.

Why the fuck would the idea of a specific cosmic entity who’s specifically able to kill Solus superstition from his POV, especially when he knows for a fact it did what an obviously more powerful giant robot couldn’t do?

Another minor inconsistency is the Otto implying on one page that he  brought the Spiders to Earth-13 in order to analyze the Enigma Force and then locate it in Earth 616...but then on literally the next page Miles claims it was his idea.

Which is it? It’s somewhat important as it defines the power dynamics between the two would be leaders.

Speaking of the Enigma Force that’s another big problem.

In Spider-Verse the Enigma Force was essentially useless against the Solus because it’s pure life force and he feeds off of that. Ridiculously overpowered, overselling of the villain to cheaply build him up?

Most definitely.

But as a sequel to that story shouldn’t Spider-Geddon try to be consistent? Because suddenly we’re claiming that Solus didn’t actually eat the Enigma Force but simply...killed Captain Universe Spidey (????????????????) and the Enigma Force is still on Earth-13. And as mentioned above the plan is for them to analyse it on Earth-13 and hopefully then use that to track down the 616 Enigma Force.

My question upon hearing that plan was....so?

So they find the Enigma Force and/or the new Captain Universe. Then they either have someone bond with it or ask the new Cap for help.

And...what?

Then go punch the Inheritors?

They already know Captain Universe is a massive food source for the Inheritors. Yeah sure, in Spider-Verse Solus claims it’d be too much for any of his kids to handle but surely between all of them they could eat him?

Then again both Spider-Verse and Spider-Geddon have been hugely inconsistent with how the Inheritors feed. Not only did we get Verna draining any given person’s life force in Spider-Force #2 but I double checked the original Morlun story. He states clearly feasting off of Spider-Man alone would sustain him for about 100 years.

But between Spider-Verse and this story the Inheritors have all chowed down enough for like a millennia a piece then.*

Oy vey, yet another inconsistency I just realized from the previous issue is...weren’t they going to blow up the New U labs? SP/dr was ready to remotely detonate the charges and kill everyone in the process but then Leopardon intervened allowing everyone to escape...couldn’t they detonate the charges remote at that point? There is no reason the New U labs should still be standing.

One final inconsistency I’ll bring up is that Spider-Man PS4 claims that Miles is a good leader because he’s not lost anyone yet. I guess screw Spidey UK and Noir, but in fairness you could argue Miles wasn’t in charge at that point so they don’t count. What is more confusing is that on the very next page Osborn complains that the Inheritors numbers are growing as theirs are shrinking. Again which is it, are the Spiders losing or maintaining their numbers?????

Let’s move on from inconsistencies to a different variety of bad and dumb shit.

First of all Otto and Ben Reilly apparently hatched this whole other plan behind everyone’s backs making a bargain with the Inheritors.

When?

When could that possibly have happened?

I’m not even saying it’s not possible but it’s never explained it comes totally out of nowhere.

Otto didn’t even know Ben was around until last issue when he mounted his raid on New U and surprise attacked the Inheritors so if this plan was set n motion before that how and when could Ben have been integrated into it?????

Before issue #3 is actually the only time I can think of when Otto could’ve done this but it makes just so little sense. He didn’t know the Inheritors were having trouble with the New U tech (again, that seems unlikely given the tech Jennix was used to working with) before issue #3 to my recollection. So there was no reason for him to offer to help him understand that tech (and yes it’s clear Otto made the offer, the Inheritors didn’t make the first offer to him) and the Inheritors clearly attacked him and his group in issue #3. Meaning the offer must’ve been made during issue #3, between issues #3-4 or during issue #4 but there wouldn’t have been any time or any chance for Otto to get away and talk to the Inheritors.

I also don’t get what Ben Reilly has to do with any of this.

Finally, and most insultingly, is Gage continuing to wank off Otto.

Now even Miles is holding his hands up and saying Otto is superior, Otto is the smartest, Otto is the leader. On the one hand this slightly helps balance out Miles being framed as a better leader than Peter was in Spider-Verse (more Slott’s fault for Peter’s shitty characetrization) and no one else considered for leadership (like RYV Peter). On the other wasn’t this event supposed to serve Miles? Wasn’t it promoted somewhat like that?

Why are both this story and it’s predecessor so intent upon making Otto writer’s pet?

One final thing which is I guess more a problem for me is that this issue blew the promise last issue made regarding Norman.

It had the opportunity for some intrigue and Machiavellian shenanigans with Norman Osborn forming a secret third faction within the Spider Army. But then it amounted to him and Spiders-Man being kicked out of the group and wrecking the Web of Life & Destiny. When you consider how he was utterly not built up in the main book at all until the end of the last issue. Like he comes out of nowhere unless you read his debut but nothing conveyed to us that that was a must-read issue to get the main book.

Yeah so overall we crash back hard into the low quality of the prior issues of this series.

Oh well...just one more comic to go...of the main book. Still got another Spec issue, Spdier-Force issue, Ghost Spider issue and 2 Spider-Girls issues to go...sigh...

*Also pretty sure at one point in either story they ate Spider-Hulk. If Jessica Drew is inedible due to radiation how is Spider-Hulk edible?

[chloemill]

On what I’ve been up to the last nine years

I have always been obsessed with food. It seems silly, honestly, to be obsessed with something that’s a basic human necessity. Food, water, shelter. Too bad there aren’t water disorders or I’d be all over that. Alcoholism, I guess, is a liquid-based disorder? This is getting dark quickly but I guess we should all know what we’re getting into with this one, shouldn’t we.

So, yeah, I’ve always been obsessed with food. I have alarmingly clear memories of food from childhood, and the sad(dest) part is most of it’s not even real fucking food, it’s like, cartoon food. I could probably describe every illustration from the Berenstain Bears installment where the dad bear and the kid bears randomly decide to go balls to the fucking wall and just mainline junk food until the mom bear is like “what the fuck is going on here” and gives them all apples or some shit and then everyone chills the fuck out. The pizza in A Goofy Movie when Goofy and Max randomly stop at a themed motel and the kids eat pizza while Goofy and Pete share what I remember to be a vaguely sexual moment in the hot tub? (There was definitely at LEAST a questionable power dynamic at play.) The kid at school whose weird helicopter mom came at lunch and hand-delivered her McDonald’s nuggets to the playground. Bake sales in the second grade - the cookies and brownies and “nachos” that were just round Tostitos with that terrifying and delicious fake cheese sauce that still honestly casts a spell twenty years later. It wasn’t quite normal, but as a kid, I didn’t think twice. When your parents are feeding you and your brain is the size of a baseball, you just kind of roll with the punches and settle for buying as much crap as possible at the bake sale with the two bucks your mom gave you. Shortly after I finished elementary school, actually, I think they stopped having bake sales as fundraisers because the school was trying to promote healthy eating. Go figure.

In high school we were allowed to go off campus for lunch and once or twice a week my sainted mother would give me money to buy lunch. It very rapidly became the bi-weekly Let’s See How Much Shit We Can Stuff In Our Body For Ten Dollars Challenge, but that’s not at all uncommon for high schoolers. At home we ate healthily, and I have a pretty fast metabolism thanks to my Slenderman of a father so I was more or less the size of a pencil for first few years of school. We’re talking, like, size double zero at Hollister. I actually used to peel the 00 size stickers off my low rise (!!!) jeans whenever I’d get a new pair and stick them on the side of my desk in my bedroom, which, as I became a normal-sized adult with not-normal-sized body image problems, morphed into a very creative form of self-inflicted psychological torment. I have some journal entries from the first few years of high school with “diet and workout plans”, but in teenage girl fashion, most of them were quickly forgotten about or amended with “forgot and ate mac and cheese today - whoops!” Stupid teenage shit. It’s actually kind of hilarious reading it back now until I remember how spectacularly fucked up everything got. ANYWAY!

My first real memory of hating my body was on a school trip to Scotland my junior year. I was fully indoctrinated into the cult of high school musical theatre and we were performing at the Fringe Festival in Edinburgh, which was an incredibly cool experience that I absolutely did NOT take full advantage of and instead did shit like drink way too much rum (fucking RUM because apparently I was a character in Disney’s Pirates of the Caribbean franchise), try to climb out the window of the dorms we were staying in to go see my boyfriend in his building, quickly remember I was on like the fucking fourth floor, throw up all over the carpet of my room and then pass out. My room smelled like puke the rest of the trip but that, though tragic in its own right, is not the point of this anecdote. Being both across the pond and left to my own devices, I was eating nothing but beige-colored fried food to the point that I’m certain ketchup and fruit juice used solely as a mixer for alcohol were the only things saving me from full-blown scurvy. My clothes felt tight, and not in the 2010s way that everything was tight, but bad tight. My stomach poked out of my jeans in a way that my stomach wasn’t supposed to poke out of my jeans. Keep in mind - I was probably a size 0 instead of 00 at this point, and most of this change was just a product of being sixteen instead of fourteen and growing, but to me it felt ominous in a way I didn’t know how to explain. During a group trip to some Scottish landmark or another (see how much attention I paid to this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity my parents spent their hard-earned money to give me?) I remember sitting next to my close friend on the bus as we pulled over to stop for food. I was having relationship trouble with the aforementioned boyfriend, one of the first of many Musical Theatre Straight Boys™ that I would lose my fucking mind over, and I was getting emotional - more emotional than I expected. I realized something else was bothering me, and I turned to her and said “On top of everything else, I just feel… fat. I know I’m not fat, but I’m fat, like, for me.”

Two things here: first and foremost, yes, for that I know I am now the recipient of the Most Annoying Sentence Ever Spoken Aloud award and will provide the mailing address for my trophy at a later date. Second, I said that over ten years ago, and I remember it so clearly that I’m entirely sure that’s exactly what I said, verbatim. We got off the bus, and I walked into the restaurant and, after scanning the menu desperately trying to convince myself I should order something “healthy”, I ordered large steak fries and got back on the bus. I think this was the first time I ever really, consciously used food as a coping mechanism - the first time something small but powerful snapped in my head that told me fuck it - who the fuck cares? You’ve done enough damage already, what’s the point of stopping now?

High school ended, I graduated and we sang “Journey On” from Ragtime at the ceremony (baffling choice but the school was doing Ragtime next year and wanted to squeeze a promo out), I got into several of my top-choice musical theatre colleges and was so excited to go to the one I picked, which, you’ll be charmed to hear, was the absolute worst choice I could’ve made. I was 18 and a little bigger now, firmly in size 0/2 instead of 00 territory, had maybe graduated to a 32B bra instead of A, but still very thin by most standards. This was my first summer as a Very Online Person - I would stay up tlil probably 3 or 4 AM most nights blogging and watching Harry Potter movies for the umpteenth time. Because the rest of my family was, how do I put it, fucking normal, they’d go to bed at 11 or whenever and I’d be up alone for hours on the  computer. This is when I started bingeing. We didn’t really keep junk food in my house, nothing legit like Cheetos or Ben and Jerry’s or whatever, but we did have sugar cereal and reduced-fat Oreos and cheese and the occasional box of Triscuts. It became a nightly ritual for me - I’d wait for everyone to go to bed, then tiptoe in to the kitchen and, though I’d eaten dinner hours earlier, start eating again. Stacks of Oreos, multiple bowls of cereal, shredded cheese out of the bag. After a while my mom heard me banging around in the kitchen and told me (in so many words) to shut the fuck up, so my methods changed. I’d bring the box of cereal - Rice Krispies or Cocoa Puffs or whatever - a bowl, and a carton of milk into the bathroom with me. I’d run the sink and open the box and pour the cereal with the water running so no one would hear, and then I’d creep back out to the couch and eat it. Box of Oreos into the bathroom, water on, peel open the plastic, take out the biggest stack I thought I could with no one noticing, eat. Three or four granola bars into the bathroom, water on, wrappers off and hidden behind my bed or the couch or wherever, eat. Rinse and repeat.

I didn’t really know what binge eating was at this point, and some tiny, dark part of my brain buried way in the back told me that this wasn’t normal and it wasn’t good, but I pushed it away because of course I did. I did a few Google searches about it and came across the term “binge eating disorder” but was convinced that could never be me. This was just a thing, just a thing I was doing, and it would go away at the end of the summer when I went away to college because that’s when life was actually starting and it was going to be awesome and I wasn’t going to let this - whatever this was - fuck that up.

But I did, in fact, fuck it up. I fucked it up fast and hard (that’s what she said, ok back to being depressing) and college was not awesome, it was difficult and painful and I was drowning in something I had absolutely no chance of controlling on my own. I accepted very quickly that this thing I was doing had a name, and it was binge eating disorder, and I was all in. I gained weight - not a ton, maybe twenty pounds, and I was never actually overweight, but to me that didn’t matter. I hated how I looked. I overdrew my bank account spending money my mom gave me for groceries on binge food. I spent hours alone in the dining hall eating till I felt physically ill and sometimes threw up involuntarily because my body couldn’t handle what I was doing. One time I stood in the bathroom of my dorm and drank mustard mixed with warm water because I read online that makes you puke and I was so full I wanted to die (it didn’t work, please for the love of GOD don’t drink mustard water or, for that matter, anything else for the express purpose of making yourself vomit). I cancelled plans with friends and skipped classes to stay in and binge, or because I’d binged already that day and could barely move. I stole food from roommates, convincing myself no one would notice, even though of course they fucking noticed. I hid food and packaging and wrappers under my bed, in my closet, in my backpack, wherever I could because I didn’t want anyone to catch on. Lied about why I needed money so my parents would send me some and I could buy more shit. I ate stale food, food from the trash, once I literally ate straight up chocolate sauce (mustard water and chocolate sauce: 10 out of 10 doctors recommend!) because I had nothing else. Waking up for 8 AM ballet classes and seeing my body in a leotard under fluorescent lighting felt like a form of torture Dick Cheney might think was a little too harsh. I saw a therapist over the summers and ate with my parents at home, and things got better, and then I’d go back to school and everything would unravel again. I’m still kind of shocked I made it through.

I’ve been done with school and living in the city for five years now, and I can honestly say that things are better. I mean, not “better”, in the sense that this chapter of the book is still pretty fucking open. But I’m better at dealing with it. The majority of the time now, I eat normally. I still binge, sometimes a lot and sometimes a little, but I carry on and try again the next day. I don’t really restrict to make up for binges anymore. I can eat some foods now that used to send me straight into Eatin’ Town USA, like cheese and bread and maybe even Oreos sometimes. I started enjoying working out, not just logging time on the treadmill as a punishment and feeling like Jean Valjean in the opening number of Les Mis (look down look down you’RE HERE UNTIL YOU DI-IE). 

To be honest, I think I’m writing this mostly because the last couple months have been hard. I’ve fallen into some old stupid shitty habits, and I’ve been plugging along like normal and trying to claw myself out. But it’s not quite working like it normally does, and I don’t know why. I know I’ll make it through, because I always have, and what other option is there? But some days lately, I feel like twenty-year-old me, sobbing (very theatrically, natch) on the floor of my apartment because I should be over this by now - how am I not over this by now? This is my ninth year as a binge eater. Almost a decade! Far and away my longest and most committed relationship. When I hit 10 years strong, I should take myself out to a fancy restaurant or something but I don’t know what I’d order.

When I tell people this, I usually get some kind of “I had no idea”/“I’m sorry I didn’t notice”/“I would’ve never guessed” and the truth is that I didn’t, and still don’t, want anyone to notice. Of course I don’t. You don’t hide candy wrappers and empty pizza boxes in your closet with your winter boots because you want people to notice. It’s a very strange and secretive brand of shame that binge eating disorder brings and no one really get it unless they get it, and that’s not something I’d wish on anyone. (Okay, honestly, I’d wish it on some people, like it’s hard as hell but some people suck ass and probably deserve it? Anyway.) As I’ve grown up, I’ve started talking about this more and more. The first time I went public with all of this shit - I think I made a dramatic Instagram post a few years ago whilst day drunk during National Eating Disorder Awareness Week (absolutely incredible and Very Me start to a sentence) - I was shocked at how many people reached out to me privately and were like, hey, me too, and thank you for saying something. I’m still ashamed, but I’m trying not to be, and the more I talk about it the less alone I feel. “There are dozens of us! DOZENS!”

I guess one nice thing about this whole stupid nightmare is it’s kind of a reason why I am who I am. Not the only reason, but still. I started using jokes to cope with this while I was in school, and my sense of humor, whatever the fuck it is today, grew out of that. Except now I don’t joke about this stupid shit because I’m in denial, I do it because it’s real and I’m staring it in the face and it’s not going away, and the absurdity of something so excruciatingly difficult yet so entirely in my control gets fucking terrifying. I guess laughing at it makes it seem small.

[pxgtails]

        the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad dynamic.                                     feat. KRIS & GHETSIS  ( & AKUROMA, by proxy. ) 

the relationship between ghetsis harmonia and kris clarity is not a healthy one, and is not intended to be portrayed as such. there is a gross power imbalance between them, and the entire foundation of their relationship is built upon lies and manipulation. kris thinks the world of ghetsis, but in-character narrative voice should not be mistaken as out-of-character glorification of such relationships.

as a preface of sorts, certain blog canons must be established:

kris’ mainverse takes place about four or five years after the events of POKéMON CRYSTAL, placing it chronologically around the events of POKéMON BLACK 2 & WHITE 2.

kris and akuroma are cousins, and have rekindled contact by this point in time. she spends a great deal of time around his lab, often assisting him with his various projects. they are more attached to each other than either of them can fully comprehend.

following the events of POKéMON BLACK & WHITE, ghetsis has lost a fair deal of his patience and composure, leading him to be more outwardly aggressive and malicious in achieving his goals than he’s been in years prior.

ghetsis is not a good man.

kris is not a member of neo-team plasma. she holds no loyalty to its cause, its grunts, its sages — and yet due to her familial connection with neo-plasma’s head scientist  ( and interim boss )  she could often be found aboard the frigate, running errands or making deliveries on akuroma’s behalf. she was loud, and she made no particular attempt to be sneaky, and so it was only a matter of time before people began to notice.

enter ghetsis harmonia, a beautiful man rotting from the inside-out, brandishing the sinuous grace of a serpent. he’d never truly been okay — even less so following the betrayal of the puppet king, the collapse of his years of careful planning — and to be honest, he was prepared to extinguish the girlchild running amok in the frigate the second he caught wind of her. he’d had quite enough of meddling protagonists for one lifetime, thank you very much.

but even though he was less okay than he had been, and even though he felt his composure slipping much often than it’d used to, he had enough sense to wait. something about this girl struck him as odd — or perhaps it wasn’t so much the girl as it was the impact that she had on akuroma. akuroma, the man with paper-thin loyalty and a thick mask that rendered him unreadable, untouchable — akuroma, the man who fascinated and aggravated ghetsis so very, very much. it wasn’t the girl who caught his attention, it was the way that the girl had squirmed past the doctor’s high walls and became a crack in his carefully-crafted armor.

by the time ghetsis approached her, the shadow triad had gleaned everything he could possibly hope to know about her  ( kris clarity, self-proclaimed capturer extraordinaire, akuroma’s cousin, had taken down team rocket in johto, a swelled ego and a thirst for validation — really, the list went on. )  he greeted her innocuously enough, said he’d heard a lot about her, said he was honoured to be in her presence. introduced himself as akuroma’s superior, and offered for the two of them to chat whenever she could spare some time.

it was so easy to win her over, to wrap her around his fingers like twine. it was such child’s play that a part of him was repulsed — had it been anyone else, he wouldn’t have wasted his time. this was like a god fraternizing with an insect — but this was the chink in akuroma’s armor, and from the very first second that he engaged with her, seeing the impact his interactions with her had on the doctor was addicting. and so he continued — their occasional chats became longer, more frequent, more personal. he’d offer her tantalizing glimpses of fake sadness and faux melancholy purportedly hidden behind his composed exterior, he’d confess to her secrets that he trusted only her with  ( including a falsified retelling of how his son betrayed him — how everything he’d ever done had been for his son’s happiness, and how he blamed himself for all of the wrong-doings his son did, for not being a good enough father. )  he spoke her name once and practically watched her melt in response, and following that he was sure to say her name at every opportunity. she’d grown completely infatuated with him, and as repulsive as he found the notion, he wasn’t above using that to his advantage.

so he enabled her, calling her his most trusted friend, telling her that he admired her and that he didn’t know what he would do without her. he’d brush her hair from her face and ghost his hand along her arm. and all the while he watched akuroma — watched the man squirm, watched him try so hard to act like this wasn’t killing him when oh, it was.

and as for kris? kris truly was absolutely beguiled by him, this endlessly kind and gorgeous man, this heartbroken father who put so much good out into the world, expecting — and receiving — nothing in return. this man with the honey-sweet voice and a tongue dipped in gold, who said her name like it was something celestial, who looked at her like she was a masterpiece. he let her speak and seemed to understand her in ways that no one else on earth did, and she’d fallen hard.

all of her behaviour was a dead giveaway of her feelings — and seeing the one person he cared about lapping from the palms of his own abuser made akuroma’s skin crawl and his stomach churn. but his careful mask of indifference was his only defense, and by extension, all he could do to try and spare her. if he pretended that he was unaffected by these goings-on masterfully enough, perhaps ghetsis would grow bored.

he didn’t, of course. because even the most infinitesimal quirks of someone’s lips revealed a world of insight to ghetsis, and oh, this whole thing had left akuroma not nearly as unreadable as he’d once been. and that made it all worthwhile — every second he spent indulging kris, enduring her company, feeding her delusions of importance. for the opportunity to crumble the doctor to dust in his palm, he would’ve done this all ten, fifteen times over.

he has no attachment to kris clarity, and he’d grown much too tired to keep someone around without purpose. her primary use, of course, was to get to akuroma. but surely, at some point he would grow tired of that game. he’d reach a point of diminishing returns, and the doctor’s reactions wouldn’t be nearly as gratifying.

but her secondary use...

this has not happened yet in her mainverse — but a day comes, after she’d outlived her usefulness, when ghetsis asks kris to aid the shadow triad in the capture of kyurem. she is, after all, the capturer extraordinaire, correct? it should be no problem at all for her.

but her secondary use was not to capture kyurem. her secondary use was to die. to die because of him — to die because akuroma was powerless to do anything to save her. the final strike that would shatter any hope that akuroma had left. sending a girlchild to face kyurem was a death sentence — surely, she wouldn’t come back alive, especially not triumphant and glowing with pride.

but in all of the information he’d gathered on her, he’d never learned:

          kris clarity is notoriously hard to kill.

[survivormontenegro]

Episode 2: “In all seriousness, I think I’m just stupid.” - Mo

Oop, so Madeline went bye bye without hitch. And Mitch lol sort of popped off a bit which turned out rub some people the wrong way.

Well as long as it doesn’t endanger me, it’s ok. Except for the fact that Michael brought up my name to Julia as a potential target just because we haven’t had good talks.

Honestly tho, talking to Michael is hard because he’s like a robot or whatever. He really is a big blue robot or whatever.

Right now, I think I’m in a good spot to not be that worried on Michael. I’ve got an alliance with Jason and Julia. Though we haven’t solidified a duo or whatever, Jared and I are working together as well probably. I’m getting closer with Ali and Benji and I have had talks of watching each other’s back.

So far the potential targets if we lose are Mitch and Noah. I have talks with Mitch and I think he’s sort of a lose cannon but right now he trusts me I think so yeah. People are leaning towards Noah because he talks the least with people.

But I do hope we win immunity, UgH!! I blame Drew for not putting me on a dominating tribe grrrr where’s the monte Rosa winning streak power when you need it.

AHHHHHH BEEEP BOOOP BEEEP BOOP. This twist sucks. There is a power dynamic that is going on.  Julia, Ben , Ali , and I are in an alliance. Seperataly though. I don't think they are aware of how much strategy I talk with Julia (which is how we want it). It seems Ian Jason are the biggest threats since they are liked and have numbers. BUT I CANT TAKE THEM OUT BECAUSE OF THE TWIST AHDHEUEJIDKD. So it seems Mitch is the target but I can't let Ian and Jason stay too long otherwise I am fucked. It's only a matter of time before they realize what I'm doing and I become a target (maybe even next tribal). BEEEEP BOOP BEEP BOOP

So last tribal went super smooth. Madeleine bye girl, but you were a ticking time bomb and you needed to go. And you also threw MY precious name out to Jared. In my first confessional I said I didn't want you here, and I got what I wanted. Now we are on this round. A puzzle challenge for immunity? Seriously? This has me FUCKED up boo. But I don't know weather to worry or not about tribal council. Last round, after I stirred the pot a bunch for the Madeleine vote she had an elaborate plan to get Mitch out that I myself pressured her into doing. I let Mitch know about her plan and at tribal shit got interesting. He blew the fuck up on the girl. And this was beautiful. It put a target on his back. So I might just be in the clear. His name will definitely be brought up just for that. This tribe doesn't like crazy explosive people (lol me in crossroads). But I also have gotten so far on this idol board, I might have the chance to snatch that bitch up. Lets pray everything goes well for me!!!

I realize in hindsight that im coming off as really mean in my confessional, but it was just like,,, in the moment? Yk??? A more concise version - usually when people like JJ fly high and take control early on, people get mad and they crash and burn really quick. So as much as it might break my heart, I might have to let that happen.

Forgot to mention thoughts on relationship statuses atm: Jules says she trusts me Alex says he trusts me Mo says he trusts me JJ says he trusts me Tom is iffy but I feel like we have a stronger relationship? Especially if he’s closer with JJ (which I personally believe he is) he’ll feed him info that’ll go back to me I have a good relationship with evan for the most part ? We talk on and off but we’re both just busy lol Caeleb my grandson/angel and I have a great relationship - we talk about Pokémon a lot Willow and I are iffy but like a fun iffy And David is the most innactive, but we bond over not talking on calls sometimes

So first things first thank GOD we won immunity I was not getting good vibes from people so I think I would been gone. Anyhoot, I definetly feel like there is an alliance already formed between Tom and JJ for sure and then possibly Jones Jules and lets throw in Alex, Those 5 seemed to be so comfortable and non scrambly this past tribal that im SUS. Going into this challenge wowie a math puzzle, not good for me and it showed! I definitely think we are losing now so I really have to push the vote for like Evan maybe because a bitch wants to stay and he's probably more inactive than I. Listen guys I really want to be on more but as Rihanna said I just gotta Work Work Work Work Work Work so that's that on that. I just hope they let this bitch stay!

Okay so let's get INTO this:

I know that my biggest weakness is the fact that I don't do a great job at times of talking to people. Ever since Day 1 though I've been making a solid effort to speak to every single person on my tribe two or three times every day.

So let's start with the first reward challenge. I tried really hard because I wanted to make a good first impression challenge wise. I feel like if you put in a solid performance in the first challenge, your tribe will be more understanding if you struggle in a future challenge.

As soon as I saw the flag part of the first immunity challenge, I knew that we were going to probably lose it no matter what, and there was strategy behind me wanting to take it on. Everyone on my tribe was already hyping up the fact that the other tribe had that part in the bag, so I knew that if I put in a solid effort and lost, it would be seen as "He stepped up for us and tried hard even though he had no shot" rather than "he fucked it up for us". I had to step on Madeleine's toes and kind of be rude to make sure that I got to do the flag, but that didn't really concern me since nobody seemed to like her anyway?

Now when it came to the first vote of the season, pretty much the whole damn tribe told me they wanted to do Madeleine. I think the fact that she really didn't talk to anyone until she NEEDED to is what played a major part in her elimination. Honestly, I didn't really like her at all LMAO, so I didn't mind seeing her go home.

The fact that Madeleine was already basically screwed and confirmed to go home was great bc it gave me the opportunity to take advantage of that situation for myself and build up my trust/credibility with other people. Madeleine came to me just a couple of hours before the voting deadline with her plan to get a group of people to vote against Mitch and send him home. I basically just was like "yasss I agree that's a great plan sis omg you're MIND". I asked for a list of who her 'numbers' were before agreeing to vote with her, and of course with her being desperate, she had no choice but to comply. Sis sent me a whole ass list of her alleged allies, and I was gagged becuase literally all of them had been shit talking her and saying that they were voting her out ALL DAY.

I took that information to Mitch and let him know about her plan, which gained me some brownie points and trust building with him. And then I went to the people she listed and was sort of like "Hey, I just wanted to let you know that she's going around telling people who she thinks you're voting for". Overall, I think that Madeleine's messiness really benefited me and my connections with the tribe.

Following Madi's elimination, if I had to rank my tribemates in terms of who I trust most to least, it would work out like this:

1) Julia 2) Ali 3) Mitch 4) Jason 5) Ben 6) Jared 7) Ian 8) Michael

Julia, Ali, Mitch & Jason interact with me the most. They always respond when I message them to start a conversation, and they aren't shy about hitting me up and initiating conversations. Ben, Jared & Ian won't really initiate conversations with me, but if I message them first they'll always message me back pretty quickly and engage with me. With Madeleine gone, Michel is now the most difficult for me to socialize with. Our conversations tend to die quickly if I don't put in maximum effort, which is kind of annoying, but I'll keep trying because I relaly don't want to end up like Madi and have everyone vote me out because I didn't try with them.

I'm kind of nervous at the moment with this vote just bc nobody is really giving me names yet? I'm hoping that the reason why is that they are waiting for tomorrow morning and just don't want to throw out names too early. I feel a bit like Sandra in the sense that as long as it's not me, I don't care. I'm not sacrificing my game for ANY of these people. That's what I love about these TS orgs; these people aren't my friends and I don't feel bad at all about sending any of them home LOL.

I'm really hoping to form a more formal alliance soon, but I want to be VERY cautious. I'd rather keep it small with just a few people that I trust not to go throwing me under the bus and leaking shit. An ideal situation would be me, Julia, Ali & Mitch as a strong foursome, but I need to talk to them separately as individuals first and try to figure out if any of them are already in group chats/alliances before I try to pull them into a commitment. The last thing I want is to try to form an alliance with people that are already set in other groups.

Anyway, I'm just going to try to continue being super social and hope that it plays out in my favor. BTW this twist is evil and I despite it, but I'm just going to have to work with it and adapt.

tom was really drunk and messaged me all these nice things so i really want to make him my ally now even though he's messy!!!

Well, today we probably lost the competition. Considering I was 4x faster than my maze partner. Willow doesn't know how to do math. David probably hasn't done his competition.

But in the same light, Evan and I did really well in our competitions. So, who knows? I might actually like to lose a competition. It would be interesting to see if people's heads are actually where they say they are.

I’m so upset, I always get fucking challenges in games that I CAN’T do I don’t know how to do it. Then we talk about our scores and Evan was like oh I did it in a minute but I could of done it quicker if I had a mouse and I’m just like I SCORED 16 MINUTES AND IM FINE BECAUSE I DIDN'T SCORE OVER TWENTY MINUTES.

In all seriousness I think I’m just stupid. Like when I was doing the challenge I was confident. I always go in with a “I’m gonna do great!” attitude and then I hear about how well the others did and it’s like getting hit by a car.

I'd also like to give an update on how I feel about everybody in this game.

Alex seems like he's the person I'd like to work with most, but he also seems the most hesitant to commit to any kind of long term alliance. Jules & Jones are really difficult to tell apart, but they're both lovely people. They seem to be super open to working together, and they both compliment me out the butt hole. Tom is really sweet. He seems to be very easily woo'd by attention and compliments, which shouldn't be too difficult. He's like. Super cute and very fun to talk to. Mo is cool, we share a lot of the same sense of humor, lots of the same references. Its also super comforting that he's also on the same timezone as I am. Evan seems really cool. I feel awful about never responding to his messages on time, which could really hurt my game. Caeleb is so fuckin cute. Like he's just a wholesome lil bean, I don't know how he's going to survive in such a cutthroat game like survivor. Maybe that's his strategy, have everyone underestimate him. Maybe he's scary and spooky. ^ Y'all really got me out here talking like a tumblrina.. Anyways, onto Willow. We seem to have the same conversation everyday and it never really goes anywhere. Awkwardddd. For David, whenever he does go on call, he never talks, and it just becomes this awkward silence, he really brings down tribe morale.

https://youtu.be/71NJ9oc-WrI <- Video didn’t embed

Video afterthoughts: According to Alex JJ seems more interested in the idea of a swap happening and is now turning onto the idea of voting David? I’m gonna actually talk to jules about how they feels tho bc they said they trust me and I wanna like,, show the trust in return? I want them to feel good w me as much as I feel good w them

It seems like me and Julia created the vote once again, and AGAIN it is not traced back to us. Michael is under the impression he created the vote (lol) which is good for us, no blood on our hands. The reasoning behind planting Mitch and Michael as targets into people's head was to see how they scrambled so we could flush every alliance. We now know Mitch and Michael are working together. If all goes well it should be unanimous (if we even had to go to tribal).

We didn't go to tribal the first time around so David got to stick around. I have an odd feeling that we didn't win immunity so tonight will be the actual chance to do so. I really do think it'll be him because he's so inactive and I think its best to keep our tribe active and playing rather than scrambling and weak. Plus I have talked to many people about it so it would be a pretty big blindside if it was someone else and I would be left aghast!

JJ is clearly an influencer in the tribe, and I think he likes me and wants to keep me around and I am perfectly fine being a number in his game. At least for the time being, because at this point that's a strong strategy for me. I think I am making real genuine connections that I can profit from, both strategically but also personally because we have some fun people here :).

okay so this is the end, hold your breath and count to ten. i'm going home. i can just sense it, its my time and i can feel it hap-hap-happenin'. the vote is theoretically noah, but everyone is going quiet so i think its me. my takeaways are that i was too wishywashy, and left myself vulnerable due to my poor social game.

in other news, if the vote is noah i will be SHOCKED. i think we will probs swap too, so we will see. I think it wont matter this is the end, I'm going byebye very very soon rippy rip!

https://youtu.be/KdBeFE1iYWg <- Video Confessional from Day 6

https://youtu.be/ZQZ1ktG2lU0 <- Tribal Council #2 Vote

(Both did not embed)

Day Numero 6; Honestly nothing is popping off in this game for me! So hard to type a confessional because i could be highly naive about my position in this game and i could be getting votes tonight but i have not heard any names except for david once again. 

[downtheaxon]

trigger warning: this is a meditation on the after-effects of sexual assault and relationship violence, featuring explicit discussion of suicidality and self harm. I know I write on these themes a lot, but I feel like this is more raw than usual and something that could potentially hurt a few of you - even if we are close friends, please don’t feel pressured to read it. 

reassuring comment added now that I’ve written everything: I’m posting this as an exercise in vulnerability and a cry for comfort. that said, I am safe and feel like I should reassure everyone of that. I am safe and now that this is over I will crochet, eat some soup, and go to two yoga classes. maybe play some piano. writing like this externalizes the heaviness and makes me see it from an outsider’s perspective, which helps me pull out a lot of self-compassion. though I feel this way on some level, I also feel an urgent need to care for myself on other levels, and reach out when in crisis - in short, I am safe but have a lot to process. and processing it publicly like this helps with the shame I feel and will likely help me bring this up in my next therapy phonecall.  

I finally have a day off and haven’t written about my mind in a really long while. but, before I write (which may take an hour and my god is it an hour that I need) I will put some salmon on my plate and brew a cup of black cherry tea. let me get back to you.

I’m letting hayley kiyoko’s girls like girls finish playing before I put on my spotify daily mix number 4 (hozier, bon iver, handmouth and more, apparently). there’s a cut grapefruit and salmon and tea near me, and my coffee cup that’s almost finished but has gone a bit cold by now. I don’t know why it is that writing through tumblr makes me express myself most truthfully, more truthfully than if I opened evernote or textedit or wrote on paper or if I spoke to someone directly via voice or text. the liminal space of having no audience while having a vast audience is comforting, I guess. a different kind of false vulnerability coupled with a kind of anonymity. 

now that I’ve put on daily mix 4, let me start by saying what I thought to say when I got up to make tea: I am permeated by sadness. 

it is exhausting to be permeated by sadness. I feel it at the base of my sternum, stirring gently, right at home in my very core. agitated when something goes wrong, and peacefully present otherwise. this is all a cliche, I know. I know. but lately my sadness feels like its own separate entity, living comfortably in me, and almost harmoniously. it keeps quiet sometimes, which I am grateful for, but still nuzzles into me just to remind me - I’m here and will always be here and that’s ok. 

and that’s ok. 

I’m trying to make peace with who I am. I know that self-identity shapes perception. I know that thinking of myself as a cook makes me cook more, that thinking of myself as a yogi makes me take advantage of my unlimited classes more, that thinking of myself as mentally ill probably exacerbates symptoms (just think positive!). 

I’m trying to make peace with my limitations. my need for regularity in sleep and diet, my rapid exhaustion, my failing memory. my tendency to shut down completely. my readiness to cry when something hits me hard.

when something hits me hard.

I just paused in writing this to read a reference letter that my old volunteer coordinator wrote for a big national scholarship (she emailed it to me as I was writing this). and I cried. I cried at the cognitive dissonance of my brain repeatedly telling me how worthless I am and this person tangibly proving the wonderful things they have to say about me. it’s funny because I really believe that those two people exist at once. 

“I love me but I don’t love me back” to paraphrase a post I recently reblogged. 

how can I exist as selfish, unloveable, and needing to be hurt punished destroyed when I also exist as compassionate, kindhearted, intelligent, successful, and supportive? 

and yet my brain is convinced, convinced, that this is how this works. when I’m tired, I have less energy to devote to silencing the ever-pressing thought of “you don’t deserve to be alive”. I am not suicidal, per se, because I want to be alive. things are really looking up lately, and really working out, and I am involved in exciting initiatives and have mutually cared about wonderful and interesting people and am growing all the time... but I do not feel like I deserve it. 

how do I fight for the things I should be fighting for (like scholarships, authorship, opportunities, attention?) when I feel like I don’t deserve to relax, to eat, to laugh. 

my homework for therapy for these two weeks was to think about shame. let me say this: I am ashamed to tell anyone how I feel. I am ashamed of these complex feelings of no self worth, I am ashamed of my urge to self destruct, I am ashamed of my shame. I am ashamed to say the truth about how I feel, about what I experience, about how I react.

two weeks ago, at the doctor’s, I cried uncontrollably. and I mean that literally. I cry a lot, maybe once a week, and it’s often dramatic and torrential (and necessary). but these tears were... different somehow. I don’t remember a lot from the winter of 2014, when I spent more of my time awake in flashbacks to the past than in the present, but I suspect that these recent tears were similar to those days. 

“that’s not supposed to hurt” the doctor said very kindly very gently and I am on my back crying crying crying unable to see and I barely hear her and I am afraid and ashamed and crying. 

“I’m sorry, I have a history” was all I could choke up and she wouldn’t let it go. I know why, I know it’s her training, she needs to make sure it’s ok and not believe me when I say “it’s nothing, it’s fine, I’m ok” she’s supposed to push, to ask, to make me tell her. and I cry, I cry and I make it off the exam table to the chair where she writes my prescription and I cry I cry I cry. I step out of the office, to the lab to drop off the swab for testing (the poor lab tech does not acknowledge I am crying but is clearly uncomfortable), to the bathroom to cry more. fifteen minutes later I am unable to stop and I am hungry and want to go home so I walk through campus, first inside then outside, crying quietly, effortlessly. my face barely moves and tears just go and go and go and it’s raining outside and I keep crying. 

I walk home slowly and pick up my prescription close to the house, so nearly an hour has past since I started crying. I am more in control now, thankfully. the pharmacist says, in a whisper as she hands me the prescription “just try not to have relations with anyone” and something breaks more. tears and shame.

this is all a fucking cliche. 

I tell my therapist about it a week later, when I call him by the river, but I change the subject right after. we revisit it three times during the hour, always briefly, three sentences. how do I talk about it?

I know that there is so much I don’t remember. I know. the fall of 2013 is a blur of pain and I have recurring visions that I don’t know if they were true. when I am upset and think that I deserve to be hurt, I see myself getting pushed into a wall, right shoulder and bicep first, hip and head next. always the same image. but I don’t think that happened, because I would remember it.

(but what about the gap in my memory after he takes my phone from me?)

I estimate: how many times? first maybe two times a week, by the end every day. does every day count? when did it start being every day? it couldn’t have been every day. 

I know when the last times were with certainty. I know the dates and even the times of day. the circumstances. those are clear.

the cliche of talking about this (I don’t call it by the word almost ever I don’t call it by any word sometimes and today is one of those days) almost four years after it happened. over two weeks after my amygdala relived it anew. 

I think that’s the real trouble with these things. they feel like they keep happening. first, it wasn’t once. it was at least two times, but probably not more than a few dozen worth. probably. do the math. 

(god you’re pathetic, how could you ever let that happen a few dozen times? no one would do that, you must be making it up so that you can have an excuse to feel sorry for yourself)

and since it happened a lot (or didn’t happen at all, I made it up), the memories all muddled together, the fearshame returning all the time... it’s a cliche, I know, I know it’s a cliche, but it feels so recent. it feels like I can’t tell the difference between the act and the memory. the replica is the real thing, the same fearshame (I like putting those words together because that is the thing that feeds my sadness and it is one and the same). 

cliche, really. 

how do I cure this? how do I stop being stuck and having this on replay again and again and again. 

I feel like I’m dishonest with people who don���t know. if someone doesn’t know about this, well, they have the wrong idea about me. they don’t see the rot.

(the feeling of being fundamentally rotten and flawed, shame around who you are, the feeling of being destined to hurt anyone in the end, the feeling of being broken, the feeling of being fundamentally evil, the feeling of imposter syndrome on a greater scale, the feeling of inadequacy, the feeling of deserving this pain and so much more pain, the feeling of deserving getting slammed into a wall right shoulder first)

but I am ashamed. ashamed of the trauma rot pain. 

(hasthag bell let’s talk day and pretend that mental health exists in isolation of abuse and flawed power dynamics and people getting profoundly hurt by other people and that if we all just talked more it would go away but talking remains frightening when it’s not self contained in the conventional narrative)

how to combat the sense of “no, you don’t understand, I’m not legitimately ill. I deserve to feel this way. I am doomed to sadness.”

I hate the just world hypothesis, that bad things happen to bad people and good things happen to good people. but I believe it.

and if bad things happened to me, it is because I am bad, and therefore I don’t deserve to be alive. but I am ashamed of that thought because if I say it out loud people will know how bad I am, how rotten, how destroyed, how obsessed with self pity. they will know and they will agree.

how can I be the worst human on earth and trick others into thinking that I am kind, loving, smart, supportive?

it is comical when the mental illness tricks you and you find yourself thinking “well, I couldn’t possibly be worse than hitler” and it says “oh no, trust me, you’re way worse than hitler”. I chuckle but the sadness stirs at the base of my sternum, awake and nuzzling into me. 

how do you heal when you remain convinced that you deserve to have your bones broken instead?

[idolizerp]

LOADING INFORMATION ON POIZN’S MAIN DANCE CHOI  DAEHYUN...

IDOL DETAILS

STAGENAME: N/A CURRENT AGE: 25 DEBUT AGE: 18 TRAINEE SINCE AGE: 17 COMPANY: 99 SECONDARY SKILL: Modeling (cf)

IDOL PROFILE

NICKNAME(S): 맥주프린스 (beer prince, as a result of his success and wide popularity in his beer cfs) 땡규 (ddaengkyu, a play on the first part of his name and konglish ‘thank you’) INSPIRATION: a huge POWer fan, he really liked some of the members’ sense of humor and casualness as well as charisma when they danced on music shows while he was growing up.  SPECIAL TALENTS:

undefeated arm wrestling champion among his friends

can chug any beverage the fastest

ambidextrous

NOTABLE FACTS:

attended international school in switzerland and korea

has been said as having a “natural talent” for holding his liquor well

fans have tried digging into his family life and have found very little information

notably always well dressed

is that member fans always ask for when another member is having a vlive solo stream

IDOL GOALS

SHORT-TERM GOALS:

ideally, daehyun would like to see his model career really get going - he has established himself enough, he believes, in the entertainment industry enough that the transition between being his group’s dancer and pursuing his modeling ambitions wouldn’t be too abrasive. while he has become noted as a skilled dancer, daehyun doesn’t have the creativity to construct much choreography for his group and prefers to leave that to his company’s in house creators.

LONG-TERM GOALS:

daehyun lives a life of fleeting interests and caters his lifestyle to whatever is most convenient for him. following poizn’s first music show win and the group’s immense surge following love scenario, if all continues to go well, he doesn’t see a reason for ever leaving his group - it keeps him in the spotlight, gets him modeling gigs, and, of course, he loves the fame

IDOL IMAGE

off the bat, daehyun is visually marketable. he is charming, effortlessly so. his youthful and typical boy-next-door looks are everything that sells in the entertainment industry that makes him an absolute knockout when it comes to gaining fans or even being recognized by the general public who don’t necessarily follow his group. the company takes what daehyun already has from his life as a rich boy and perfects it to the very most that they can; they smooth out the blemishes of his dance skills that, compared to others would need further improvements - and paint over it with his face, his body, everything that a girl would want in her “ideal boyfriend”. daehyun is marketed as the boy at school who is just too popular that every girl feels she could never confess to. he’s too cool, too out of her league, but he’s just so dreamy that they can’t help falling all over him.

as a dancer, the company uses his charm and natural confidence to their advantage. he’s a cash cow, both himself and the company know, but it works.

daehyun doesn’t even need to try with his image: he’s born with it, literally; the wealth and beauty and everything that comes as an advantage in between. as he matures from the pristine prince-like member during poizn’s early days to the grown, young man who is inevitably nearing his military days, daehyun transforms into a more refined version of the typical rich boy become famous who is still somehow adored following his bouts of cockiness, heir of superiority inflated, tony stark-esque ego. but daehyun wakes up with the same face every day, same smile he gives to all those who don’t know him at his core, and every day, convinces another new face to fall for his charms just like he convinces them that everyone else already has, too.

IDOL HISTORY

tw: minor domestic violence

everything is thanks to a silver spoon. his father hopes he chokes on it.

they are never a concise or nuclear family. daehyun is brought up in a class of wealth, power and corruption that leaks into the cracks between the love his family members think they give; none of it is true. he never learns what humanity is because he’s never seen it with his own eyes. compassion could bite him in the ass and he’d still have the nerve to blame it on the world for letting it happen.

he doesn’t remember his father’s marriage with his birth mother, but one of his earliest memories is of the time his father threw a plate to the wall at dinner when he was just barely large enough to see over the dinner table. his first step mother, he knew, was equally as angry as his father, and that’s why they were made for each other. but she was also a cheater and a liar, just like his father as well, and their time together felt like only a blip in daehyun’s memory.

his third mother was a socialite, a drinker; in retrospect, she was the most like daehyun — brought up in a glistening box sweltered with misery on the inside. she thought daehyun was a bad child, rightfully so. she had a daughter the same age who never got along with the boy because he too - a glaring red flag so - copy of his father. they’re both eight when daehyun has his first fight with her and finds no mercy in hitting the back of the girl’s head with the television remote when he doesn’t get his way. she’s sent to the hospital thankfully with no major injuries, but daehyun stays at home when she does, clutching the remote possessively in two hands, watching the children’s show he wanted to.

because of him, another step mother is lost. he’s turning thirteen and because of the child daehyun’s father has let him become, she stops loving him, too.

a tragedy at its finest: he begins to resent his own son.

the two of them form a father-son relationship that redefines the dynamics of a normal, healthy relationship: his son is a borderline sociopath, plagued by years of paternal turmoil he’s been drowned in for years. daehyun gets everything that he wants because his father hates him and wants nothing to do with him. summer camps abroad in europe with other spoiled kids keep him away in the warmer months, international boarding schools in the winter to push him away even farther.

the time that daehyun is home, though, all he does is take, take, take.

“gonna start taking dance classes,” he announces to his father one evening at dinner when he’s fifteen and bored with the lack-lusterness of his dreaded, boring rich kid life. there’s no intonation to resemble a question, no way, shape or form of asking, hey dad, mind if i use your money to pursue a potentially stimulating hobby to keep me out of the house? of course not - because please isn’t in daehyun’s vocabulary.

people tell his father he’s a stupid man for letting his son walk all over him in the way that he does. he hates his son but gives him what he wants to see his face as little as possible. there’s a permanent smug on daehyun’s face that his father can’t recall never being there - or, that is, remember when he’d let his son cross the line (and there was no turning back now).

daehyun doesn’t follow pop music much, but his ego still eats up the shallow encouragement of his dance academy’s classmates to audition for an entertainment company that had been the word of mouth for a few weeks. truthfully, he’s nowhere as good a dancer as he pegs himself to be. there are far more people on audition day that show passion and dedication to the art whereas daehyun is only here because - well - he think he’s good enough to be. but sure enough, as it always works out, the rich always get the better end of the bargain.

he gets a call, and once again, daehyun gets what he wants.

his year of training is fast and unexpectedly difficult for a boy like himself: they don’t care what his background is, don’t care that he is practically swimming in his father’s pool of money - it’s all irrelevant. they keep daehyun around because he’s cute and know if they have him as a trainee, posed to debut, it’ll be his face that sells. so long as he keeps his mouth quiet, ego in check and behavior in order: but he can only give so much to a camera before he lets his true personality slip.

fans eat him up the moment poizn’s teaser pictures are released: he’s young and cute with a face that draws in lots of young, female fans that devote themselves entirely to him and his group. his fans are nothing short of catty and defensive, ready to snap the neck of any girl that thinks nothing of when they say he’s handsome. he is handsome, but he’stheirs. casual fans begin to find his personal fans to be too obsessive, too defensive for just one boy that they gradually begin to learn is just a rich boy that probably paid his way into the group (if only his father could’ve thought to try that, to get him far away from himself as possible).

song after song, the group gets bigger and bigger - daehyun feels unstoppable. his fans’ - their leeches - feed into it all, give his company money that they slowly find the rhythm to use and abuse. once love scenario unexpectedly skyrockets, the fireworks settle and daehyun is confident he’s almost the equivalent to the industry’s version of a real king. his ego has been so well fed, fattened up to such an extent that he can’t even see his feet when he walks anymore. he begins to openly go out with some friends, and sometimes, even his group mates drinking - nothing too wildly out of control - but the amount of alcohol and time spent drinking that he flaunts on social media begins to cross the line between what image daehyun wants to shape for himself (you just can’t take the spoiled rich kid out of him, as much as his company would like to try). his air of slightly cockiness, one seeded from his childhood and nurtured by his idol life, however, earns him that particular niche of fans who like to tell themselves it’s all just for the cameras.

everything feels so easy for them now. because of the image the boys have built for themselves within and outside of poizn, the facadé of pure, idolized-boys can finally be dropped. in truth, it makes for a hurricane of problems for the group’s pr management, and daehyun is nothing but the permanent, dull headache on their corner temple that just won’t ever go away.

[ripplestitchskein]

You put into words exactly what I feel about how they've written her. To me, all I keep thinking of is mid s4 where she's like "Here's you heart, now I've got to do shots with Regina because she needs me more." It's just bad storytelling. It also makes me hate Regina, because a lot of Emma dealing with these issues is siphoned off into propping up the "Regina and Emma are friends" plot they keep to feed us. I don't even know if they are aware of how Emma comes across to the audience. 1/2

And I'm right with you on the TL thing. If that's what they want to sell, they are not going about it the right way at all. And it's like you said, it doesn't matter what we infer when there is nothing implicitly said in canon. What exactly are we supposed to take away from their relationship at this point? That it's okay for one person to do all the heavy lifting because the other one has "issues"? It just leaves a really bad taste in my mouth. 

This brings up a really interesting point and since a lot of people have talked about Emma's reactions in the context of their own relationship I figured why not explain why I'm so uncomfortable with it in the context of mine. Maybe that will help people understand my personal reaction. In no way am I assigning this to the characters mind you. If they choose not to go this route that's fine, I'm just saying why it bothers me as an individual. Under a cut per king and rambling. Shit, can I go on. 

I always identified with CS and Emma and Killian as characters specifically because there are so many similarities to my own life. I've talked about my teenage years, how I moved out at 16, how I got arrested for a boy who then dropped me immediately afterwards while I was dealing with the consequences. Some of the crazy shit that goes along with being a moderately attractive teen girl on her own. Obviously me and Emma are bros. 

But I identify with CS as well. I loved that Killian was all in it for her. I've written meta after meta about it. But I also keep waiting for the reciprocity, and it just hasn't happened yet. S5 HELPED certainly, I mean homegirl went to the Underworld for him, but it was still very one sided and also implied in her conversation with Neal she would have done it regardless, for anyone, if she had the option not to lose them. 

And they have been so shaky in the True Love thing it's easy to see anti arguments sometimes because the show is so muddled now it's less than clear. 

So me. 

My boyfriend and I have been together for over a decade. He's a special case because I was almost exclusively into girls at the time after my failed marriage at the very wise age of 18 for lower car insurance rates. I was not feeling the menfolk. 

We have a very odd dynamic to most people and to our families. They comment and say stupid shit about it all the time. It's actually very similar to DS and Deckhand Hook in LoAL which might be why I find that fic so easy to write. It's not a Dom/Sub dynamic, but it's similar. That's also why I find the CS dynamic in general so easy to write. There is clearly a power imbalance that allows the characters, and me and my boyfriend, to compliment each other very well by forming up the missing pieces so to speak. 

A few people have commented, both positive and negative about the things I've shared here about my life. Asked how I have so much time to fuck around on fic and meta and twitter data analysis. Or been like "goals!" When I talk about something he said or did. 

And the truth is it's because my boyfriend treats me like a Queen. It's a running joke in our house "Because you're a goddamn queen". And not in a superficial way. His life is very much about taking care of our home and our children so my only responsibilities are my career and my school and playing with and enjoying the kids when I'm home because I don't get to see them all day or for several days, and our time together shouldn't be spent on doing chores. I also handle all outside of the house interactions excepting kid wellcheck or sick visits during my work day. (I handle all school meetings, parent teacher conferences, auto mechanics, appliance shopping etc). 

That's what he likes. He doesn't have career aspirations. He doesn't care about work. He has no desire to go to school. He is uncomfortable dealing with those things and making decisions about them. He's not lazy or unintelligent by any means, he just doesn't care about those things. His favorite job was a clerk at a gas station when he was a teen because he saw interesting people and it was low stress. He's not driven by the need to succeed and do well in a certain career field or academically. Those are not motivating factors in his life. He went to work because he had to, he never wanted to be in management or running anything. Nor would he have been particularly good at it. He's very chill and not very assertive. He genuinely enjoys cleaning and cooking and teaching the kids, and doing stuff to make my life easier so it was a no brainer to have him be a Stay At Home Parent when daycare for 3 children became ridiculous. 

It brings him joy to make food I want and bring me special treats and let me have lazy days in bed where he brings me everything I need. In fact how he asked me out and expressed his intentions was getting my favorite things from several different restaurants. He just likes to do stuff like that. We've had several conversations where I tell him he doesn't have to and he's like "You don't get this at all. I want to" 

To many people it looks like I order him around, like he's a servant, like he has no life of his own. In truth I do it because he genuinely doesn't know what's expected of him in family gathering or public situations. I know this. He usually asks me to beforehand. Those situations are scary for him, where to sit, when to eat, where to go to get certain things etc. 

But in exchange for all the things he does for me he pretty much gets to do whatever he wants, and the things he likes are his games and his streaming community. He likes that he doesn't have the burden of providing an income and worrying about social concerns anymore. He can make bread and clean the house, and play games with the kids and spend hours telling them about the solar system. 

We both have anxiety and issues of our own and they manifest in different ways. His are best served by me making decisions and him doing the "heavy lifting" when it comes to the easier to handle day to day. Mine are best served by having daily life minutiae taken care of because otherwise I get overwhelmed on top of higher level concerns that may be more complex, I'm also extremely flighty and live very much in my own head and forget things like lunch or taking my vitamins. 

It could very well seem to an outsider that I take advantage of him, or that he doesn't have a sense of self outside of our relationship and family. Which at the moment is how I feel about Killian. And why it rankles so much. 

Because the difference is that we've talked about it. I've offered him choices. I spent a whole year once trying to find him a hobby because I have 500 and he has like 2 and it was weird to me. At the end of it he was annoyed and was like "This IS what I like doing. Stop trying to force these things on me. I like this." 

Same thing with the house and the kids. I offer to help and it frustrates him because he wants to do it and because he likes it. We've had many many discussions where we check in with each other and make sure we're not assuming things are okay with the dynamic because it was before. Everything he's given up (job, career, etc) was very much his choice, and he wanted to and knew how important those things are to me. 

With Killian its not his choice, he didn't want to, circumstances forced it, but he was *willing* to for Emma. It's just, he's given up so much? Like all the things, and relationships he has are given up to be the best partner. 

And in my dynamic there are very clear benefits for each of us. I don't see the benefits right now for Killian, other than him have someone to love and a reason to be a a better man. Those are great but it also veers into "at the expense of himself" territory at times. We talked about him getting a family and a home, but he's also potentially losing the JR, he's stuck on land, and the family he's gaining don't ever seem to acknowledge him or outright dismiss him and the people who did support him leave.

 I just wish there was more equity. That he still got to retain some of the things he loves, the sea, his ship, his newfound brother, being a Captain, in addition to being all in for Emma and her family, and attentive to her needs. 

There is no reason he can't have both and I don't understand on a show that is very much about "We are Both" why they strip these elements of him away. 

It would be easier to take if it didn't appear like he was doing all the heavy lifting and changing while Emma gets to keep throwing up her walls the moment something gets tough to handle. If she tried to help him get back some of the things he gave up for her once things are settled. She still could. Season isn't over. But at the moment it's been a lot of Killian giving up and not a lot of Emma, and not a lot of being mindful of his feelings or issues and getting to revert back to her own without consequence. 

That's the difference for me. 

It's fine to have a partner who does more of the "heavy lifting" but only if that arrangement is equalized in other areas. Like clearly Killian is distraught and broken up over these things he's sacrificed, he very much reminds people he's still a pirate, just a good one now. And I'd like those facets of him get to remain. For his sacrifices and his effort to be acknowledged beyond "I give him happy kisses and let him hang around."

I dunno. It just bugs me. I need more from the other side to balance this shit out. Hopefully this clears up WHY it bugs me a bit better though. I know this type of dynamic can work, and what it takes to make it work, and not be somewhat unhealthy in terms of imbalance. 

[noiseartists]

JUST LIKE HONEY (US): Bittersweetness and Light

Bittersweet melancholy drenched in voluptuous feedback: JUST LIKE HONEY's sound encompasses many inspirations ranging from Dream Pop to Alternative Rock and even a tad of Indie Folk.

The band has developed its own unique style of combining rumbling distortion, pounding rhythms, heavenly harmonies and eclectic songwriting into a sensual amalgamation of shimmering soundscapes.

The line-up is:

Darlene Jonasson: vocals, guitar

Bianca Yang: vocals, bass guitar, piano

Patrick Le Mar: guitars, vocals, songwriting

Ramita Arora: backing vocals

Steve Le Mar: drums, percussion

The music work to date is:

2018: Dreamland, album; The weight of stars, album; Blind, EP

2019: The wood room sessions, album; Slow lane, EP

Follow us to discover the band through an interview, as well as their music with music embedded readers and video sprinkled through this piece.

But first one of the best songs of this year:

How did you meet?

Patrick had envisioned the band long before its actual founding. The basic setup was crystal clear in his mind, however the individual pieces were missing and came together organically.

The only obvious pick was Patrick’s half-brother Steve on drums, whom Patrick had already been playing with in a band named Theme Park Rangers despite having been raised in separate families. The band of brothers provided the musical foundation, but the long sought-after lead vocalist was still out of sight.

Bianca’s addition was a kiss of destiny so to speak as she and Patrick had met coincidentally at the 2014 Glastonbury (UK) festival. There is some disagreement over what exact band they were watching, Patrick maintains it was Billy Bragg, but of course we’ll give it to Bianca who is positive it was Temples playing the John Peel Stage. It was that fateful encounter that sparked the eventual founding of Just JUST LIKE HONEY.

After some jam sessions with other musicians in early 2015, Darlene finally joined the band as the main lead singer and second guitarist. All had gelled together at last.

How did you come up with your name?

Is a common occurrence that a name or word pops into our collective minds, it could be a song or album title or some random piece of inspiration, and it tends to stick with all of us straight away, without the need for discussing or elaborating any further. Patrick and Bianca simultaneously said “Just Like Honey” at our first rehearsal and that was the end of that discussion right there.

Nobody ever looked back since. Unlike most bands that go through foot-long lists with loads of potential names of varying degrees of funniness or inspiration we were all on board with our first inspiration 100%.

The name may, of course, be seen as a hat-tip to The Jesus And Mary Chain. It might also refer to the character of our music, which is mostly sweet, despite the odd guitar noise. And yes, we are all very aware of the glaring and ubiquitous sexual connotation.

What is your music about?

All JUST LIKE HONEY does is about creating good songs. To us, songs are more important than the band itself. A good song should tell a story but at the same time not provide an easy giveaway of its meaning. A good song does not need a wall of sound to hide behind, although we quite often produce a huge wall of sound. That’s because we love noise.

What are your goals as an artist artistically/commercially?

Individual freedom and creating art are more important to us than being commercially successful. JUST LIKE HONEY will never change its sound or attitude in order to become more successful. If we stop being noisy for a moment that’s only because we want to assure ourselves whether our songs function without the noise. That moment led to the “Wood Room Sessions”.

Although we are not political artists in the narrower sense, we openly oppose the negative effects platform capitalism as for the music industry or what’s left of that industry respectively.

Today, streaming platforms like “Spotify” are exploiting the work of artists. We hate them. We are, of course, aware of the fact that making music as a profession does require the existence of a free market and your own ability to make use of the machine.

What are you trying to avoid as a band?

Rock music clichés, power chords, blues scale guitar solos. Well, obviously.

Why do you make the music you make? Is it in you? Is it your environment?

We make the music we love. It’s that simple. We can’t think of doing anything else.

What inspire you for the music or for the Lyrics?

Our songs are like a little window into Patrick’s soul because he is our songwriter. Most songs are based on true stories or occurrences, some reflect strokes of fate. e.g., the passing of a close friend, some deal with issues of the western society (e.g. the song “Goddess”), missing people, false prophets and lost memories (e.g. “Out In the Storm” and “Shorelines”), and others ponder on the odd everyday issue (e.g. “Velvet Skies”).

Those songs aren’t essays in the classical sense as they always leave wide room for interpretation, a dynamic that is further fueled by the use of a writing method called “écriture automatique” in French. It was invented by the French surrealist André Breton and may be loosely translated as “spirit writing”.

Interestingly enough we don’t have any real love songs. All attempts to write a love song ended up in tracks like “I Don’t Like The Girl I Am” or “The Strangest Boy” or “Heart Has No Place”. Those tracks are definitely not love songs in the classical sense although they were meant to be exactly that. It’s interesting because there is so much love in our life and yet it doesn’t quite find its way into our music, at least not in an obvious way.

Tell us what you are looking when trying to achieve your sounds. Do you experiment a lot or have a clear idea of what you want?

Although the sound was quite clear in Patrick’s mind even before JUST LIKE HONEY was founded, we actually do experiment a lot these days, taking all the different styles into consideration which make our palette of sound.

How about including a slide guitar solo where you wouldn’t expect it? Wow about having a reverse reverb on a chorus? We use a lot of different tunings on our guitars as well, a fact which makes us constantly inventing new ways of playing chords.

We have been jamming and improvising a lot recently. However, when developing new songs, it feels as if the songs themselves take a decision and guide us through the creative process.

Oddly enough more songs than ever have decided to fall on the noisy side recently. We therefore can’t help but to think we’re on the way of becoming a noisier band. It’s an interesting development, especially since it seems to be happening organically rather than as a result of a conscious decision.

Explain your songwriting process.

Patrick usually comes up with the basic song ideas, using an acoustic guitar for a first draft version. Chords, melodies and lyrics are added in Patrick’s studio somewhat simultaneously, feeding off each other in the creative process, even though the music is definitely exerting a stronger influence on the lyrics rather than the other way around.

Once this first step is completed Patrick pitches the song to the band in a second step, where a lot of refinement is added and everybody gets to chip in. In a third step Darlene and Patrick enhance the guitar tracks, developing licks and hooks to support the vocal melody.

We don’t look at one guitar to be the lead, both guitars are on equal footing and merge into the overall harmony. Quite often, Bianca’s bass is treated as the third guitar.

Describe your palette of sound.

A mixture of Alternative Rock, Post Rock and Dream Pop with a tad of American Folk, typically served with a lot of sweet guitar feedback.

Who would you want as a dream producer, and why?

We are actually already working with our dream producer, i.e. Patrick’s wife Karin Le Mar. Being an awesome musician herself, she is constantly challenging us. Beyond Karin, we imagine that working with Andy Bell of the British band “Ride” as a producer would be a dream come true.

If you could guest on someone else’s album, who would it be and why? What would you play?

We’ve been asked that question several times recently. The answer is “Ride” again. We admire their work. Spending time with the four of them in the recording studio would definitely boost our songwriting skills.

Interestingly enough both bands seem to regard the guitars and the vocals as equal instruments. We love that thought. If we had a time machine (the DeLorean type of time machine, of course) we would consider to meet “The Byrds” in the studio for similar reasons. [Editor’s note: some day that the Byrds’ ‘8 miles high’ may be the first DreamGaze song)

What musical skills would you like to acquire or get better at?

Just like everybody else, we are trying to get better every day. There is no specific skill, though, which we’d like to acquire.

Which other musician/artist would you date?

Ha-ha, sweet question! That would be Amelia Murray. She’d have a date with the four of us.

Is there a band that if they didn’t exist you wouldn’t be making the music you make?

In terms of an absolute condition we would probably not make music at all without the DIY attitude of Post-Punk. This is more about that “everyone can be an artist” attitude, of course, not about the sound in specific. As for the sound, we are obviously influenced by the 90s bands we love, e.g. Slowdive, The House of Love, Ride, The Charlatans, Mazzy Star, Galaxie 500, Codeine and also some bands of the late 60s. Also, there is a lot of The Byrds in our music. We are not intending to sound like any other band. We are actually unique. There, we said it.

You are from Canada, Germany and the USA, what are the advantages and inconvenient?

We don’t know. Each of us has been living in many different places in “the west” and basically it’s nice everywhere.

What are some places around the world that you hope to play with your band?

We’d love to travel Korea and Japan. We do have a lot of fans there for whatever reason. Also, Bianca speaks Korean, of course, and that could be of some help.

When is the next album/EP due?

We are about to release the “Show Lane EP” on SHORE DIVE RECORDS in November 2019. Nico Beatastic of SHORE DIVE RECORDS does an awesome job promoting the artists on his label.

Also, we love his label policy. All great British records labels as Factory, Creation or Sarah did have a certain sound and you knew what to expect to a certain extent. By the way, we have been back in the studio since early October, working on a bunch new songs. We’re in the flow right now like never before.

These new songs may become a regular album in 2020. Or even two regular albums. Who knows?

Some artists you recommend.

Please listen to Beach Bunny, Fazerdaze, Mandolin Orange and to our label mates Primitive Heart and Swimming Pool! You may be surprised to find Mandolin Orange on our list but without their inspiration we would not have recorded the “Wood Room Sessions”. We love American Folk as much as we love Indie Pop. Again, it’s all about songs.

Anything else you want your fans to know?

We will become comic book characters soon, isn’t that sweet? That’s because a friend of us, Kelci Crawford, is creating a comic book which deals with JUST LIKE HONEY.

Find Just Like Honey here:

Website

facebook

bandcamp

Thanks to the band for their kindness and hard work. Of course support them by buying their music and sharing this and their material on social media.

[recentnews18-blog]

New Post has been published on https://shovelnews.com/blood-creator-theres-something-naturally-funny-about-tragedy-den-of-geek-uk/

Blood creator: 'There's something naturally funny about tragedy' - Den of Geek UK

Writer Sophie Petzal struggles with humourless TV drama. “I find it really difficult to watch crime shows where everyone’s bleak and frowny and sad.” We’ve seen too much of it, she says – dilemma-led thrillers full of grave characters whose awareness that they’re in a crime drama saps the entertainment value. “If I don’t get a sense of what you’ve lost and the joy that’s been taken from you, I don’t know what I’m rooting for.”

Besides, she adds, there’s just something naturally funny about the combination of tragedy and family dynamics. “There’s humour in the fact that it’s very inconvenient to be trying to chop sandwiches for your mother’s wake while suspecting your father of her murder.”

There’s humour too, in serving an only-one-left-in-the-bakery children’s train cake at a wake, as youngest son Michael does in Petzal’s drama Blood. There’s also comedy, and pathos, in a pair of siblings sharing a box of Bourbon biscuits—their mother’s favourite—at her graveside. Blood may boil down to “a great tragedy” says Petzal, but it’s beautifully rooted in family banalities. 

Blood is the story of Cat Hogan (Carolina Main), a middle child of three who returns to her childhood home following her mother’s death. Very quickly, Cat begins to suspect her father of keeping secrets, and a satisfyingly compact mystery emerges from there. It was envisaged as a family drama rather than a thriller, but its cliff-hangers, question marks and the odd pulpy flourish give it a foot in both camps.

The series, which aired in its native Ireland in October and was stripped across a single week of November on Channel 5 here in the UK, is Petzal’s first solo drama. She’s written previously on The Last Kingdom, Medici, Riviera, Jekyll And Hyde and CBBC’s Wolfblood, but this project belonged to her and producer Jonathan Fisher, with directors Lisa Mulcahy and Hannah Quinn. 

It’s been a busy twelve months—Blood was story-lined in a fortnight after being green-lit this time last year, and filmed in Ireland this summer—followed by a nerve-wracking few weeks as it aired. Petzal had convinced herself that the Irish broadcast would be the most anxiety-inducing hurdle to clear and that the UK airing would be “much of a muchness” but found that not to be the case.

“The UK is my home and it’s also one of the biggest players in television,” she explains. Airing on Channel 5 as a quality original drama, Blood attracted press attention for marking a recent shift in the station’s programming. “Suddenly you realise you’re not just going to go calmly under the radar and no-one will notice.” It felt as though there were eyes on Blood, says Petzal. “That Monday afternoon before it went out I was sort of unhinged,” she laughs. She locked herself in her flat and watched Disney clips on YouTube just to calm down. (Which ones? Out There from personal obsession The Hunchback Of Notre Dame. “I’m the biggest fan of composer Alan Menken.”)

The response to Blood was hugely positive, with good reviews appearing across the national press and even, to Petzal’s delight, on Fern Britton’s Twitter feed. “That was a funny moment, we thought ‘oh, we’ve made it now!’” Petzal laughs. She’s saved a screenshot, of course. “Then I just spent the rest of the week madly overstimulated and unable to sleep because it was too exciting and nerve-wracking, because what if the next episode is the one where they realise it’s actually shit?!” she laughs.

“It was the fact that we’d gotten away without being called frauds,” she tells me. “The fact that we’d got through the week without being torn apart by a national newspaper or somebody saying ‘this is naff as old fucking boots. What is this?!’ It felt like we’d gotten away with it.”

That sounds unnecessarily harsh on yourself, I say. “I’m not riddled with inadequacy!” she explains, but this being her first solo project made her feel “brand new all over again, in a weird way.”

“Working on other people’s shows, all you learn from that is that you’re good at working on other people’s shows and turning things in on time. You only start to work out what your style and worth and value as a writer is when you’re doing your own thing. I feel like I’m only just at the start of that.” The critical and public response to Blood, she concludes, validated all the hard work.

In Ireland and here in the UK, the drama owes a great deal to actor Adrian Dunbar, who championed the project. “I really don’t think we’d have got that early exposure and press interest had he not been in it and talking about it.” Dunbar is a deeply beloved presence, Petzal says, particularly for his work on BBC drama Line Of Duty. 

Petzal is “a massive, massive fan” of that show. She and her producer re-watched all four series while filming Blood. “We’re massive fanboys and girls, which is kind of embarrassing but Adrian loves it,” she laughs.

Dunbar’s insights into his character, patriarch Jim Hogan, were a great boon to the Blood, she says. “Adrian approaches his characters with a really forensic, academic head on.” Petzal being on set during the shoot enabled conversations to take place that helped the characters evolve. 

“Adrian was always pushing for Jim’s softness,” she explains. He wanted his character to be “a bit more honest and empathetic,” which worked perfectly to the drama’s advantage, says Petzal, because “the more honest and empathetic Jim is, the less people believe him!”

“One news article described Jim as having a smile that never quite reaches his eyes, which is an incredible testament to Adrian’s ability. He was able to play the menace and nuance that we wanted just in the way he stands and looks and delivers lines, which means I didn’t need to go to such an extent to reflect that menace in the lines themselves. It has a far more powerful effect for it.”

She gives “unending credit” to the cast for trusting in the project. “I’m not a known quantity, this is my first gig, I couldn’t point to a load of other things and say ‘my things tend to be a bit pulpy and weird’. Everyone had to hear me say a thousand times ‘Tone. It’s just the tone of it.’ ‘Why am I jumping out at her in a corridor?’, ‘Because it’ll look great, it’s the tone, it’s funny, it’s weird, it’s ridiculous, but go with it.’ No actor likes to be told ‘it’s just funny, do it!’”

The funny moments in Blood build character, helping to bed the drama’s more outlandish genre elements in naturalism and recognisable human behaviour. The aim, says Petzal, was always to avoid having Cat and her family act “like super-clever TV characters.” One trick, she says, was to mine her own behaviour in similar situations. It’s an exposing approach, but one that really pays off in terms of naturalism.

“When characters are arguing—and in Blood there are a fair few heavy conflicts—it’s so easy when you’re writing disagreements for one character to be clearly right and for the other to be clearly wrong.” 

“I found I was writing Cat being incredibly clever and battling the family and withholding all this information that she’s learned. She was keeping the cards close to her chest and was going to play it just at the right moment… then I thought ‘That’s not what I would do.’ That’s not what any normal human being would do.”

That willingness to show vulnerability in the writing, and to include sometimes unflattering honesty makes Blood stand apart from some other dramas. 

“In my heart I’m thinking, if I’m being honest, if this were me, I’d say this really hurtful thing. But often as a writer you’re thinking ‘no, the character is better than me. They’re a TV character. They’re going to do proper TV things.’ When Cat says the wrong thing, or when any character says the wrong or hurtful thing, that’s usually me putting bits of myself in there and echoing arguments and conversations I’ve had.”

One real-life conversation Petzal had that ended up in the finale in flashback involved the strange mating habits of domestic dogs. On screen, it’s a laugh-out-loud moment between husband and wife Jim and Mary, and it comes after one of the show’s most emotional sequences. The idea was to disrupt the dull cliché about women on TV suffering from serious illnesses being “these saintly frail figures. I wanted to give a sense of how Mary is this bright spark who’s hilarious and has a filthy sense of humour and what an unjust robbery this disease is. Funny bright sparks going too young.”

Making fun of serious things comes naturally to Petzal, she says. She wanted to avoid the tragedy becoming too overwrought or earnest. “It’s in human nature to make jokes.”

Knotted in with Blood’s humour and tragedy is a moral. “Without wanting to sound too pretentious, I wanted it to feel almost like a parable at the end.” 

“I’ve had people say ‘why wasn’t so-and-so just honest from the beginning?’ and I have to raise an eyebrow and ask, ‘have you had parents? Are there times in your own family when things would have been simpler if family members had just told the truth?!’

“The moral of the story—which is a rather on-the-nose line delivered in episode five—is “why can’t we all just talk to each other?” and because we can’t, this is what happens.” 

Blood is available now on DVD.

Source: https://www.denofgeek.com/uk/tv/blood/62160/blood-creator-there-s-something-naturally-funny-about-tragedy