#-for me. and thats depressing. and it sucks. a lot. i still like what i did in the end. but it doesnt make me feel better

[stormyrainyday]

this entire year has been flop after flop why am i losing so bad your honor i am literally just some guy

[bingotime]

[steampoweredskeleton]

.

Ignore

[chisatowo]

Dusts off my furry fusion au. I'm abt to make a gaggle of teens that hate eachother so much

[dreamsy990]

SPONTANEOUS MINI REVIEW BECAUSE I REALIZED THAT I HAVENT FUCKING TALKED ABOUT FRAGMENTARY PASSAGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ok so. i actually really liked this one!

so uh. if you witnessed that incredibly long thread i made yelling about kh3 you will know that i. am not a fan of the look of modern kh. i think its kind of uninteresting compared to the delightfully cartoony style and just generally i dont like more realistic looks to games that already had a unique visual identity.

so im here to say that i think it works for 0.2! im a good way through kh3 and i dont think it works well there and ill get to that when i eventually review that game but. in 0.2 i think the new style fits the more dark tone very nicely, and the enviornments are absolutely gorgeous. like i came out of ddd thinking absolutely nothing could top symphony of sorcery in terms of world design and was proven wrong. the realm of darkness is my new favorite kh "world". for my mutuals who havent played kh, look at this!!! its absolutely gorgeous

and the environments are actually my favorite thing about this game. besides being beautiful, theyre also delightfully trippy and unsettling. theres a section where you have to climb up a seemingly never ending staircase, and every time you reach what you think is the top you hear aquas worst thoughts. a lot of the areas are twisted, destroyed versions of worlds seen in bbs. its very dark (fitting, for the realm of darkness) and honestly its a treat to just walk around admiring the view. the visual storytelling is as good as kh ever gets.

i briefly mentioned aquas thoughts a minute ago so ill bring them up again, her commentary adds a lot to the desolate atmosphere, and this game really feels like a character study. it shows her desperation, her worst thoughts, her hope despite everything, and its just genuinely good. i havent been able to say that about khs character writing since like. days. its GOOD.

i am. not a fan of bbs' writing. i think its got a good underlying concept with absolutely terrible execution, and it makes me wonder at times if the things i like about it were intentional or not. but this game takes the best written character of bbs and gives her more depth than they ever could before. i can say with confidence that aqua is one of the best characters in the series, and a lot of it is because of this game.

the tone here is very gloomy, but thats not really a complaint because the game is so short. the depressing atmosphere isnt too much to bear because youre barely in it for more than 2 hours. and i think that run time is EXACTLY long enough. it goes for exactly as long as it needs to tell the story and still give a moment to breathe.

as for gameplay. im not the biggest fan of the updated system. i like to think im open to change with kh's combat. i think the command deck has potential and the card system in com was fun and i actually liked days' panel system. but something about the way this new version of the system feels to play is just. unsatisfying. hits dont feel like they have any weight to me, and spells feel inconsequential despite being more grandiose than ever. its just not as good as it was before, and like its a sort of half assed replacement of reaction commands. the way they incorporated style changes into it was okay, but again its not as satisfying as it was in bbs. but maybe it was just satisfying in bbs because the rest of the combat there sucked

tldr, the things i care about in a game (writing and visuals) were fucking spectacular, but the gameplay definitely had room to improve. also if i ever have to fight a darkside again ill throw up and cry! 8/10, though im tempted to raise it to a 9 for the environments alone

[x-liv25-jamieswife]

YAYY!! Reqs are open again! I know you’ve already done something similar but can you do maybe some hcs of Graysons mental if that makes sense (like anxiety, depression, schizophrenia) only if you feel comfortable ofc <3

sad grayson head canons pt. 2

of course! i wont be talking about schizophrenia though bc i don't know enough about it and i don't feel comfortable talking about smth knowing i might be writing things that are completely inaccurate and that might offend/hurt some people. i apologize if these suck or if this is really short. when i made this post, i had just found out someone in my family was in the hospital and i wrote these to distract me so idk how good they'll be. not all of these will be on anxiety and depression btw. tw for suicidal thoughts. hope you still like them <3.

when he swims at night, the pool tends to be very cold bc its the one of the only things that makes him forgot about everything that is making him anxious. if he can't swim, he takes cold showers.

although it might not look like it, he gets very anxious and overwhelmed in situations where there are a lot of people. he overthinks everything he says to them, wonders if his suit looks nice enough/if he's presentable, if he's making a good impression, and has trouble focusing when there are so many people he has to talk too. he's very good at hiding it though so you would never guess (like i said, multiple people, if its just one person it doesn't matter to him)

like i said in my last hc, he gets anxious when talking to many people. i want to add that usually, its not usually himself that makes himself anxious but emily talking in his head telling him he's doing smth wrong. basically, if it weren't for emily, he wouldn't be anxious talking to so many people. idk if this one makes sense.

one of the reasons he wears suits is bc it makes him feel put together when he feels like a mess in his head. he always looks so flawless which makes people think he's fine.

he went through a period of time when he was younger where he couldn't get out of bed to go to school/do his school work which ig seems ooc, but we're talking about young grayson here, not the put together version of him we know. he hated himself so bad he didn't think it was worth living anymore and thought that there was no point in working if he wasn't going to live long enough to get a career/become an adult. also, another reason was bc he felt sm pressure to be the best that he kind of just gave up. tobias got mad at him and thought he was overreacting. he did get better thanks to his brothers, enough for him to start doing his school work again and start handling the pressure he was under.

he's very self-conscious about his appearance. by this i don't mean looking put together, i mean sometimes he'll look in the mirror and think he's gained weight which makes him workout more/swim. its not that he finds himself ugly, he just doesn't want people to notice and think something's wrong/he's going through something when he obviously is (cause in his head, if he doesn't always look the same, people will think smth's wrong/he's loosing control but thats just not true).

he used to have bad acne growing up and it really affected his confidence. he used to try to cover it up with concealer but no matter what he did it was always visible. it ended up going away but he hates looking at old pictures of himself cause he hates seeing it. it caused him really bad anxiety in public bc he thought people were judging him.

sometimes, people will try to talk to him but he won't hear them bc he can't stop stressing over all of the things he has to do and is stuck in his head. people have to repeat what they're saying and and shake him to get him out of spiraling.

grayson tried to stop taking his anti depressants when he was younger cause he was sure he didn't need them. he realized not long after that he couldn't just stop and that they were actually helping him.

after he realized they were helping him, he started to wonder why he couldn't be 'normal' like his other brothers (at the time, he didn't know his brothers were also struggling with their own issues)

to handle his anxiety when he was younger, he would punch a punching bag. this was before he learned how to handle his anger and stuff. he only allowed himself to lose control when doing this.

his room and office have to be clean at all times. if it isn't, it causes him even more anxiety. it makes him feel messy and not in control.

his grand father used to tell him that hawthornes don't have mental illnesses and that he's overreacting (stupid ass grand father). it made grayson feel like he wasn't good enough.

after avery almost died during the bombing, he considered offing himself bc he didn't think he was worth it. he let one of the people he cares most about almost die, and the guilt was nearly too much for him.

grayson used to feel like he shouldn't be struggling the way he is bc of all of the opportunities and money he has. he felt like his feelings weren't valid, and that others had it worse. he tought he had no reason to feel as crappy as he did and that made him hate himself/think there was smth wrong with him. it only made him feel more depressed.

sometimes, he'd go on the rooftop of the house to get some air, see the height and the deadly fall, and consider jumping off. he used to think everyone was better off without him and that he'd be doing everyone a favor by offing himself.

in my first sad grayson post, i said that he owns a teddy bear nash gave him. he'll never admit it, but when he feels really anxious and like his world is crumbling down, he cuddles with it. it's one of the only things that actually helps him calm down. it also helps when he has a panic attack, he grabs it and holds it against his chest to relax (it also helps him sleep). the only one who knows about all of this is nash.

his anxiety tends to get worse during the winter cause he can't swim in the outdoor pool. its one of his most effective coping mechanisms. swimming in their indoor pool isn't the same according to him.

he used to hate christmas bc people would get him gifts he didn't think he deserved. he loved the gifts he'd receive but thought that people shouldn't be spending their money on him and that others were more worthy.

he used to see a therapist on and off for a while (in secret) when he was younger but would always end up stopping after his grandfather found out and told him he was wasting the therapist's time. he finally starts seeing a therapist consistently in his mid-20s (so after tgg and stuff).

[liverpool-enjoyer]

hey yall forewarning this is easily the most embarrassing post ive ever made on here. like im not talking normal levels of tumblr cringe/oversharing, i mean youre probly gonna judge me and think somethings genuinely wrong with me. but i really need to get it off my chest so. yolo.

also tldr at the end in case you wanna spare yourself lmao.

mkay so recently i havent been online, because ive been really sad. and the reason im sad is that gavi got a girlfriend. which i realize is probly the stupidest and most juvenile thing to be sad over but hear me out (or dont lmao its a free country do whatever you want).

its not like i ever thought i had a chance with him or anything, im not stupid. but ive known for a very long time that, due to my asexuality (and other things but mostly that), i am never going to have love in my life. so for me, daydreaming and fantasizing about being gavis girlfriend was like,,, how i coped, i guess. it was a form of escapism for me. and now i cant do that anymore bc hes someones boyfriend and fantasizing abt another girls boyfriend just feels wrong. and pathetic.

it doesnt help that all my social medias have algorithmed so that hes all over all my feeds. and to be honest, looking at him just makes me think of his beautiful girlfriend who has everything i could ever want and i feel this horrible awful nauseating feeling in my stomach and i feel envious and sad and a slew of other things. it sucks that someone who once unknowingly made me so happy now does the exact opposite but hey what can you do.

i know it sounds stupid, but i dont think i'll ever feel for someone the way i feel about him. hes the most beautiful person ive ever laid eyes on and oh God i was right this does sound stupid ok lets continue

oh and let me be clear (you hafta read that in obamas voice) im aware that feeling this way toward a complete stranger (or anyone for that matter, but like especially a complete stranger) is EXTREMELY UNHEALTHY. unfortunately, knowing that my feelings and thoughts are unhealthy doesnt stop me from having them.

so yeah. now that ive lost my form of escapism, all i can think about at any given moment is how lonely im going to be. its hard to enjoy much of anything these days when all im thinking about is how im never going to receive romantic love, and now i cant even daydream about dating gavi to cope with it. because all i can think about when i try to is how hard his girlfriend would laugh if she found out some pathetic worm halfway across the world was fantasizing about her man.

so yeah thats it. i know that every time i angst abt my asexuality (which is a LOT like holy shit why do ppl still follow me), my friends tell me that its ok because im going to find someone someday. and i appreciate it, i really do. it means the world. but my friends saying that i'll find love doesnt make it true. plenty of people have died alone and unloved before, and i am going to be one of them.

tldr: a guy ive never met got a girlfriend n im having a depressive episode abt it LMAOOOO

[turnin9pag3]

THIS IS NOT ABOUT HARRY POTTER

i feel i have this inexplicable sadness born in my veins. its been stuck there making a home inside me since birth and the people that are supposed to help have done nothing but make it worse. im alone. painfully so. im everyones second choice and i have lots of friends but a friend to all is a friend to none. those who claim they are my closest are the ones moving to hurt me most. it sucks because i still long for the girl who was my entire life for a year. my best friend and i miss her. she took the thing i wanted most in this world from me and told me i was crazy. my other friend tells me she was wrong and i deserve better but now that friend is doing the same thing to me and thinks that i don’t know. but i do know and i almost wish i didn’t because that would make this so much easier. im so tired. all the time im tired. and im sick. i keep waiting for a chance that never wants to come and im good but not good enough and im funny but not funny enough and im pretty but not pretty enough. im second always. i feel uncomfortable expressing this to the people i actually know so i opt for anonymous posting on a ghosted app full of people i’ve never met. i miss being young. not to say im old im still a child by all means but i miss 7th grade when i always had someone to talk to and i hung out with someone every weekend and school didn’t make me depressed and my friends weren’t toxic and i liked random boys in my class instead of obsessing over the same boy for 10 months. when i blew out the candles on my 15th birthday i wished for him. my best friend and the girl standing 2 feet away watching me is the reason i never got him. shes no longer my best friend but god i wish she was. i miss being at her house everyday. i miss walking to the park with her. i miss getting ice cream after school. i miss sleepovers on school nights. i miss i miss i miss. it feels like thats all i do nowadays. i just miss. i don’t have any constance and i feel like im not doing anything right. i want someone genuine who isn’t going to stab me in the back or leave me. i want someone who can be there a lot of the time and not shit talk me to others. i need friends who wont keep secrets. i need friends who want to be around me. i need people who wont laugh at me when i speak. i need people who wont judge my every move. its hard to be confident when everyone is shoving your insecurities down your throat every 5 seconds. i don’t know what to do with myself anymore. i feel remorse for the way i act but i don’t know how to fix it. i just for once want someone to love me the way i love them. i want someone to want me the way i want them. i need someone to like me like i like them. i cant go on being next best every time. the school year is ending and i feel like im going to be forgotten. these people who claim to be my friends barley spare me a glance outside of classes and i don’t want to have to talk first. i don’t know why people keep me around if they so obviously hate me. why do you try and get me to like him if you’re going to try and get with him anyways? why do you ask me to sit by you if you’re going to get mad at me when i speak anyways? why do you text me things if you’re not going to tell me what its about anyways? why do you want to be included in conversations that don’t concern you if you’re going to be rude anyways? why do you entitle yourself to my conversations and friends but when i do the same thing its a problem? and why do i stick around if im treated like shit by you all the time.

[66sharkteeth]

idk what that person was on about your art being mediocre. I've read a lot of webcomics. a lot. from the "greats" of webtoon, to a ton of canvas stories, to Tapas, to Hiveworks and out of all the ones I've read, I consider City of Blank to be my absolute favorite. I'm sorry I can't be more than one person, one fan. I don't have a ton of friends but I've shared CoB with all of them. I've fast passed episodes, subbed to your patreon, commented stuff I like in most episodes, because I wanted to show as much support as I can. Knowing thats not enough is crushing. But I'm just one person and idk what I can do to help more. I love CoB, not because of itself, but you made it. You made it in a way nobody else could have. It's so special. It's inspired me to create. If it comes out on physical, I'd buy it instantly. I don't want to pressure or upset you. Just please, if you have even the smallest chance, don't give up, ok? The talent in your work shows. I've seen plenty of mediocre work, and CoB is not one of them.

When CoB is over, I want to see what you create next. I want to support you in your future art and I'm sure many others do too and are just nervous to say it. i'm worried even typing this that I'll just make it worse. I hope I'm not making this worse. I'm not sure what else to say but please take care of yourself at least. I know you've said if you disappeared nobody would care, but I would. I don't know you personally but I would care, as much as I'm able to.

I got a few asks like this last night but I wanted to respond to this one and apologize again. The last thing I want is for my readers to feel like they aren’t doing enough. In a more clear headed hindsight, I can see how spirals like that can make you feel that way.

Even just reading my dumb comic is enough. The fact that some of you do even more than that is more than enough. I’m so lucky to have as many readers as I do and I know it probably comes off like I take them for granted sometimes. But I am so so so so grateful. So many of my dreams have come true bc of readers like you.

I just have some really personal struggles with my definition of success and a bit of a complex about being unimportant. It’s something that’s completely on me, not my readers, and something that I’m regularly battling with. Sometimes I think it’s getting better but I clearly have lapses like last night where all the reassurance I’ve built up still gets overtaken by the negativity I’m always trying to hold back. I guess to put it bluntly- depression and anxiety suck. I’m always working on keeping them at bay, but on the nights that I lose that fight, I’m so sorry it if I ever made you guys feel like you aren’t doing enough. You are- more than enough. My brain is just really stupid.

[hms-no-fun]

Currently struggling a lot with getting very excited about a project, writing a lot, editing that writing until it's way more polished than what I can come up with off the cuff, and then being too intimidated to add to the document anymore since the previous good writing still gives off this looming intimidation if that makes sense? The more I write the greater the fear is I'll crash the story into a ditch that reveals the premise can't work. have you had that "its not all coming together shit theres a snag thats really important that i missed" moment? I realize it's pretty inevitable for that to happen, but whenever I write myself out of a moment like that I always second guess that I'm still overlooking something important or taking the easy way out. I know it's probably just all about pushing through but I worry that by pushing im just further diluting the original spirit of the project? Sorry for the all over the place ask, hope you have a good day :3

this is always a tough situation to navigate as a writer. happens to me often, and it has taken me a very long time to come even remotely close to being able to deal with it productively. believe it or not, i actually have quite a lot to say about this, so prepare for that below the break.

first of all, no, it's absolutely NOT all about pushing through. i find "pushing through" can just as often make the problem worse. keep in mind that i can only speak to my own experience and process, so any advice i might give here should only be taken insofar as you personally find it useful.

this is a form of writer's block. there are many different types of blocks, each with their own causes and hypothetical treatments. a big part of becoming A Writer as such is learning the difference between them, and developing methods for dealing with them on a case by case basis that don't involve substance abuse. don't do cocaine. that's step one.

most of my blocks are in the vein you describe. i'll be writing a scene that feels good, until i cross a threshold somewhere and suddenly the whole thing feels dead in the water. the first thing i do when this happens is stop writing. it's hard to stop when you're on a roll, i know. life is short and it's hard enough to write even on a good day, but sometimes you can just tell that you're on the wrong track and at that point you're probably not gonna be able to write your way back on.

once stopped, i check the basics. have i eaten recently? am i hydrated? have i taken my medications? these are rarely my problem (i keep a big water bottle with me at all times and my gf makes sure i'm fed), though you never know how useful a snack break can be. most of the time if the problem isn't with the text, it's that i've been writing for too fucking long and i need to clock out. learning to clock out is SO hard. but as i've been getting into the habit these last couple months, while i generally write less per day i ultimately end up writing more over time. i can feel my brain cooking when i've been writing too long. it's a muscle like anything else. if you did a bunch of overtime shifts at a more physical job, you'd need time to recover too. your body isn't a machine, your brain isn't a computer, and living things are inconsistent. it sucks but you'll have a better time all around when you learn to work with your body instead of against it.

another question is, have i showered recently? i find showers tedious and boring. also i still have depression even though my life is a lot better than it used to be. i lived on my own for a very long time as a deeply closeted self-hating trans woman, so my hygiene habits are not always up to sniff. as much as i hate to admit it, showers help. i can't tell you how many times i've sat at a godfeels chapter or video script and just felt fucking miserable, only to come back forty minutes later from a shower, full of creative energy. i despise self-help shit. just not a fan of the culture of positive attitude wellness check stuff because you can't self examine your way out of your class position. sometimes the problem is that you're broke. sometimes life fucking sucks and you just don't have the art in you, and that's okay. there's a common misconception that if something bad happens to you, at least you can make an art to get through it. but in my experience it's actually a lot harder to make art about bad times when you're still in them. most of the time it takes months if not years of safety and recovery before you can really face it head on artistically. so like, be nice to yourself. it's not your fault that you live in a society.

but also sometimes literally you just need a shower or to eat some leftovers or to go to fucking bed. i hate it every time that is true because i want my problems to be real and philosophical and not just some dumb body thing that happens to everyone. alas, no one can escape the quotidian obligations of simple mortality.

THAT SAID! this stuff isn't usually my problem, and often i find that what's solving the problem when i do step away to eat/drink/shower isn't even the specific activity, but the act of stepping away at all. getting my mind off it for a sec. when i hit a block that doesn't feel completely insurmountable, i like to back away from my computer and pace around a bit. then i'll stare at my big whiteboard with a marker in hand and just let my mind wander. i don't even write anything half the time! but the mere act of trying to compartmentalize the problem into something brief enough for shorthand helps me spot the pain points.

one of my favorite books is Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance, which despite what you might assume from its title is NOT a self-help book but instead a work of philosophy from 1974 taking the form of a travelogue. what Robert Pirsig explores in this book is what he calls the Metaphysics of Quality. basically he's trying to understand the split-second judgments we make of things we like and things we don't. i absolutely do not have time to go into the specifics, just know that his Quality refers to the abstract certainty you have when something is Good or Right or Correct or Qualitatively True. like how you pull your hand away unconsciously when you touch a hot stove, but for ideas. you just Know.

a scene that really sticks with me from that book (probably the most famous scene) is when Pirsig describes needing to fix a mechanical problem with his motorcycle only to be stopped dead in his tracks by a stripped screw keeping him from removing the engine cover. he talks about being so focused on the obvious solution to the primary complex problem that, on encountering a smaller, simpler problem that has to be dealt with first, he finds himself completely stuck, calling this "a zero of consciousness." it's a problem so annoying and minuscule and stubbornly unsolvable that you just want to hit the thing with a wrench and throw it in a river. addressing this new problem, this block, requires an adjustment in thinking. and here i'm going to quote a pretty lengthy passage, but don't worry, i'm typing it out by hand with the book in front of me so there's no time saved on my end:

Consider, for a change, that this is a moment to be not feared but cultivated. If your mind is truly, profoundly stuck, then you may be much better off than when it was loaded with ideas. The solution to the problem often at first seems unimportant or undesirable, but the state of stuckness allows it, in time, to assume its true importance. It seemed small because your previous rigid evaluation which led to the stuckness made it small. But now consider the fact that no matter how hard you try to hang on to it, this stuckness is bound to disappear. Your mind will naturally and freely move toward a solution. Unless you are a real master at staying stuck you can't prevent this. The fear of stuckness is needless because the longer you stay stuck the more you see the Quality-reality that gets you unstuck every time. What's really been getting you stuck is the running from the stuckness [. . .] Stuckness shouldn't be avoided. It's the psychic predecessor of all real understanding. An egoless acceptance of stuckness is a key to an understanding of all Quality, in mechanical work as in other endeavors. It's this understanding of Quality as revealed by stuckness which so often makes self-taught mechanics so superior to institute-trained men who have learned how to handle everything except a new situation. Normally screws are so cheap and small and simple you think of them as unimportant. But now, as your Quality awareness becomes stronger, you realize that this one, individual, particular screw is neither cheap nor small nor unimportant. Right now this screw is worth exactly the selling price of the whole motorcycle, because the motorcycle is actually valueless until you get the screw out. With this re-evaluation of the screw comes a willingness to expand your knowledge of it. [. . .] What your actual solution is is unimportant as long as it has Quality. Thoughts about the screw as combined rigidness and adhesiveness and about its special helical interlock might lead naturally to solutions of impaction and use of solvents. That is one kind of Quality track. Another track may be to go to the library and look through a catalog of mechanic's tools, in which you might come across a screw extractor that would do the job. Or to call a friend who knows something about mechanical work. Or just to drill the screw out, or just burn it out with a torch. Or you might just, as a result of your meditative attention to the screw, come up with some new way of extracting it that has never been thought of before that beats all the rest and is patentable and makes you a millionaire five years from now. There's no predicting what's on that Quality track. The solutions all are simple-- after you have arrived at them. But they're simple only when you know already what they are.

this is, in brief, my entire creative philosophy when it comes to writer's block. i share such a lengthy passage because i think it's useful to underline that we're not talking about a problem that is necessarily unique to the labor of writing. this process is a human process. it's just that with writing, the nature of the block itself is often much more difficult to identify than a stripped screw.

there's a couple things i do to try to identify what's got me stuck. a lot of times what happens is that everything in a scene felt good until it didn't, and then everything after that moment fell flat. so i'll go back and read the whole thing and just try to feel the scene. is everyone in character? is their dialogue too quippy, or too aggressive, too expository? are we in the midst of a conversation that has simply gone on way too fucking long? i know it can be torturous to reread your own stuff but idk what else to say except get used to it. especially when you're still early in the drafting phase! like if you know you're not gonna release this thing imminently, there's no reason to be precious about the stuff that's good or to beat yourself up over the stuff that's bad. i know that compulsion to try to Get Everything Right The First Time is strong, but it's completely unsustainable.

sometimes the block is that i just don't feel like writing narration. i've always sucked at grounding a scene with descriptions of the place. lately i'm trying to get away from relying solely on descriptions of staging/blocking, but it's hard for a bitch like me who mostly prefers writing dialogue. i've gotten a lot more comfortable with putting notes between dialogue exchanges like [character moves, looks at picture, has a dramatic thought, other character fiddles with object]. it can feel like cheating sometimes but it's not. there's no such thing. no one will know the route you took to get to the end. they will only see what you show them, when you decide to show it to them.

sometimes the block is in some minor or major betrayal of the story's spirit. the (Terezi) & Jade scene i talked about in this ask is a good example. i hit a point where nothing was working anymore. no one would talk to me. the light was gone. i can always tell when i made the wrong choice. it's such a particular sensation. as though i'm walking and i realize i no longer recognize the road i'm on and must've made a wrong turn somewhere. the solution to this particular block is introspection, retracing my steps, because the wrong turn isn't always obvious. maybe it's that someone in the scene is being too mean, or that i've failed to accomplish what the scene exists to do in some way, or that someone's made an uncharacteristic choice that now everyone in the scene is arguing about and it's like, man, this is taking too long, i'm not enjoying this anymore.

another example from A1 is the second half of the solo. i'd had most of the jasprose scene, the karkat-calliope-roxy scenes, and the vrisrezi-jade scenes written since i posted the A1 chorus. where i ran into trouble was that i needed to get jane, jake, and (terezi) to show up. my original plan was to have them arrive one by one, thus allowing their individual dramas a moment in the spotlight before being subsumed into the group. not a bad idea in theory but in practice it was fucking tedious. here we have a bunch of characters already immersed in the scene captured by the intrigue of Jade being enigmatic, and then some unawares jagoff wanders in and suddenly everyone has to stop what they're doing and be like "hey hello how are you what's up" and then they explain how they got there and then they ask what's up and it's such a DRAG. honestly i would say the majority of my creative blocks by volume are moments when the story really wants me to just cut to black for a smoke break and come back when somebody gets mad enough to throw a punch. i mean that's the the development of A1 in a nutshell. originally everyone was gonna start the track locked up in space-jail on the hopebringer, jade would show up all apologetic and say what she expects padua's deliberation to be, then the whole cast would see her throw a fit over a decision she knew was coming, they'd all be absolved of guilt and let free, then they'd all argue about who's staying or going with Jade in the morning, they'd split up to go pack their stuff and then...

well that was exactly the problem. i wanted to get all the pertinent things out of the way. jade's code switching, voidthought, some EWL teases. give the whole cast a chance to react to it. i thought that would be expedient, because it got the Plot out of the way and gave time to characters for Feelings. if that version of the scene had come at the end of chapter 8, it might have worked. but i realized that as soon as jade's audience was no longer captive, i had no fucking clue what to do with them anymore. we already knew who would go with jade, so acting like that's some kind of mystery is just lame. i started writing A1 from a place of desiring informational density & a quick pace, because we've got places to go and things to do. but if the real purpose of A1 is to explore why these characters choose to go with Jade, then that needed to be done with a lot more care and precision. that's when i decided to let Jade spend two days underground making the earth right again, so that she has to come to everyone individually rather than the other way around. and it muddies her motivations, if you don't mind the pun. it puts her at an appropriate remove from the others. i ultimately wound up conveying all the same information as in the original version, but i did it in a way that was more appropriate thematically and artistically. it wound up being longer road than i anticipated, but this is a long story and in this case the longer road was better for the journey.

take the chapter where Jade visits Roxy. i needed some time with Roxy alone to set the scene, since she's the first person Jade decides to visit and i like writing about the insides of trailer homes. i wanted to get some politics from Jane in this chapter, so hey, why not throw in a televised speech? oh, and then i can have some tucker carlson types remind us that Earth C is a fucking mess. i wrote all that, and it was good, but it was just Roxy watching tv. i tried to get into Jade's arrival and couldn't. so i went back and realized, oh, Roxy should be yelling at the tv the whole time! now we get Jane's politics, Roxy's reactions to those politics, as well as bits and pieces of context re: Jane's relationships with Karkat and Roxy. now when Jade arrives, we can play with the question of whether she heard the speech from outside Roxy's door, and why neither of them was physically at the speech in the first place. there's tension and imbalance in Roxy's state of mind when Jade does arrive, so we're more inside her perspective than we usually are, which in turn helps us identify with her when Jade starts infodumping about antimemes.

so often for me, working through a block is a matter of doing a better job utilizing what's available to you. going back to the A1 solo and trying to bring Jake, Jane, and (Terezi) into the scene. i finally returned to it after a couple months of being sick and dealing with life problems. i was frustrated because i'd hoped to be several tracks in to 3.2 by now, and instead i was confronted with just how much more of this thing is left and how long that might take if i couldn't pick up the pace. this thing NEEDED to get done.

and then i remembered that Jasprose is literally right there.

and that was it! problem fucking solved! i had jasprose drop all three of them into the scene completely unceremoniously using manic teleportation through a fenestrated plane, and from there the entire rest of the chapter erupted out of me in a single go. it's such an obvious solution to the problem that you as reader probably assumed it was the plan from the very beginning. but it's like Pirsig says: the solutions all are obvious-- after you've arrived at them.

then there's the problem of overwriting. i actually did i think four different versions of the opening to the A1 solo. the first person narration was a late addition. i tweaked that scene so so so many times. it kept feeling close but not quite. when i did the thing where i reread to find where the block happened, instead of actually reading the thing i just kept finding spots where i could write more. i can extend this anecdote. this line could be better. maybe a comma here would work better than an ellipsis...

this can be good because sometimes what's blocking you is that you skipped over something that needed more time. maybe some information or a dramatic emphasis that gives the stuff you can't yet write the momentum it needs to get going again. but i've gotta be real careful doing this, because i can do it forever. and then, as you describe (hey look, i'm actually talking about your specific problem now!), that hyper-polished section sets everything else up to fail by comparison.

i think the trick is knowing the difference between when a scene needs an editing pass vs when a scene just straight up isn't working. when it's not working, sometimes you do just have to throw it all out and start over. but if it's good enough that you feel like all it's missing is better dialogue and some more description, then you can hold off on that polish until the rest of the thing is done. this conundrum is most common at the beginning of a chapter or story in my experience, precisely as a result of the process i've been describing this whole time. when you hit a block and retrace your steps, you can always find things to fix. so it's sort of natural that any given chapter becomes less polished the further along you get in to it. that's why it's so important to understand the differences between all these different types of blocks, and to remind yourself that literally nothing you've written is finished until the moment you've made it public.

a big part of getting the A1 solo out the door was me swallowing my desire for perfection in every exchange and saying, no, this is good enough. it's not 100% what i want, but it's close enough that it just isn't worth the effort it would take to get there. sometimes there are scenes that are worth that effort, but they are always rarer than you think and they're never the ones you'd expect. i will freely admit that there are a lot of characters expositing their motivations in this chapter. i tried to embed as much of that in humor or drama as i could, but sometimes you just have to shrug your shoulders and walk away and hope your readers will be nice to you.

of course the funny thing is, once i finished the chapter and had all the panels sketched out and wiped my hands clean of the whole affair, janet needed two weeks to make the images. so i ended up having time to polish up a couple of those things that i felt were lacking after all. but those additions were radically small and intuitive, because i'd divorced myself from the raw production and had committed to so many directions that i *couldn't* change much. i'm so used to writing for release that i don't know what to do with myself when my part of the job is done before i can kick it out the door. i've come to find that waiting, taking breaks, walking away and coming back, do wonders for your ability to egolessly examine your work and identify what's wrong. sometimes you just need a day or two to sleep on it.

and sometimes you realize that you've really just over-written a scene, out of preciousness or insecurity or whatever else, and the result is so much bigger than everything else you want to do that it's more expedient to just scrap it. i hate when this happens, man. i did this with an early version of the A1 chorus, when Jade is stuck in space alone and shouting about how unfair her life has been. you know sometimes there's an emotion in a scene that's addictive. some bit of pathos that you just feel down to your bones, fuck me man, this is so GOOD, this is so JUICY, this shit has QUALITY. it's so good you don't want it to be finished. so you keep writing it, and writing it, and you rewrite it, and you add to it, because you really want to squeeze every drop of emotion you can from the thing. and then you wind up with a bloated melodramatic mess that's so overplayed you've annihilated everything that compelled you to write it in the first place.

i want to be clear that this isn't wasted work. nothing you ever put to the page, no matter how ultimately useless it might prove to be, is wasted work. the way i see this whole process, top to bottom, is that there's this thing. i don't know what it is, but it's there. maybe it starts with an image, or a line of dialogue, or a relationship, or a natural vista, whatever. it can be anything. what matters is it's a sign pointing you in a direction. it's something that has Quality that you can feel with such potent immediacy that you have no choice but to write it. the act of writing is something of an expedition, because the real magic of it comes when those disparate signs start colliding with one another. an image becomes a scene, a house, a world, a universe. sometimes these signs lead to dead ends, but with experience you learn to tell the dead ends from the rough patches. you learn how to make your own way. you do this by listening to what this thing is telling you. every story i've ever written has known better than me what it wants. i can impose so much onto it, i control 90% of the process at least. but that other 10% cannot, should not be quantified or controlled but simply understood. if you try to bottle the flame, you'll just end up snuffing it out.

no artist really knows why they do what they do or how they're able to pull it off. they can tell you their methods, their process, their coping mechanisms, they can write ludicrously lengthy diatribes on tumblr in response to an innocuous ask, but you can't pin down the soul of the thing. Quality is ephemeral, because it's first. it happens before you've had time to think, like putting your hand on a hot stove. you just know. and you have to trust that knowledge to carry you forward, not second guess it too much, not try to wrangle the thing into a shape it doesn't want to assume. sometimes this requires writing scenes that you don't love, because it's easier to build a messy bridge between the moments that drive you than it is to perfect every single moment out of an artificial commitment to like, Being A Good Writer or whatever.

a lot of this is just practice. you get better at communicating with your creative impulses. but also i think it helps to internalize that nobody sees the rough drafts, nobody sees the duct tape. and nobody knows the perfect vision you'll be convinced you failed to meet. nobody has ever made a perfect thing, and no one ever will. who wants to be perfect, anyway? godfeels wouldn't be what it is if i wasn't willing to let it be messy. if i'd tried to do it better, it never would have gotten done, and nothing i'm doing now would have even conceptually gotten to exist.

also, it's okay to abandon shit when it stops feeling good. i have so many unfinished books kicking around from my 20s, dude. i feel bad about some of them, but ten years not finishing books is still ten years spent writing. it's actually quite rare for good ideas to result in finished works, because good ideas are cheap and they're not all for you. but you gotta keep trying anyway because sooner or later you'll catch a spark that has real gas, and if you've done the work you'll be ready for it. it'll feel like destiny. it'll feel like magic, how matched that idea is to your skill level. but it won't be magic, it'll be skill. if you hadn't put the work in to know how to follow that intuition, it'd be just as dead an end as everything else you never finished. you do the work so that when you get lucky you can take advantage of it. so in that context, writing is quite low stakes. if it's not good enough, fuck it, try something else!

anyway i hope there's some decent insight buried in here somewhere. thanks for such a good question!

[lilaccosmic]

Hey guys here is a scenario that The boys are trying to wake you up and this is also the preview for my next fan fiction story so stay tuned!!!

Victor: good morning my lovely cursed boys !!!!!

Victor: how is everyone’s sleep?

Harrison: It sucks sometimes i want to sleep more though

Liam: it was good

Roger: I didn’t get enough sleep last night because of taking care of Liams Wounds

Liam: i am sorry for making u not sleep

Roger: its ok especially i know u will always do that

Elbert: my sleep is usually good

Alfons: would you like to have ur breakfast fast now el

Elbert: yeah but someones missing

Jude: hah who is it now you depressed boy

Ellis: oh yeah we are all here but where is y/n

Victor: oh yeah right where is she!!!

You: oh gosh i am sorry for not coming down this instant i thought you all are still asleep

Roger: it’s ok lil lady looks like you did ur report pretty well ….

William: besides she is pretty when she sleeps like a princess in her desk

Jude: anyways princess shall we have breakfast?

Ellis: we would like to eat with you if its ok

Liam: we are very happy to have you in a table with such a cutie pie like you

Harrison: especially that face of Yours and that sexy figure will make the table very unique and bright

Elbert: especially you are so beautiful that you really suit to be with us isn’t right al

Alfons: yep she does especially that voice when enjoying her meal thats pretty hot

Victor: now now boys we are glad you came here to join us so what do you say would you to join us for breakfast?

You: of course i accept your invitation

Jude: thats the princess we want

Roger:she really does make the table bright

Victor: we love you y/n you are really a bright person that makes us all happy anyways lets have breakfast but looks like you are not yet in your seat yet

Victor: would u like to sit beside me

Harrison: stop she will be sitting with me!

Liam: no she will seat with me

You: uhhh guys…..

Elbert: she will sit with me !!!

Alfons: sorry el but she will be sitting with me she deserves my pleasure

Roger: oh come on she will be sitting with me and she doesn’t deserve ur pleasure ass attitude

William: the king needs a beautiful queen to sit beside him so she will be sitting with me

Jude: Tch even though you are a just the king and the top crown member the princess deserves a Fairy to gaurd her and make her smile i will share my breakfast with her so she will be sitting with me!!! Damn you

Ellis: Jude i am sorry but y/n will literally sit with me i will make sure to make her happy while having her breakfast

Victor: ok thats enough !!! Why won’t we let our beloved fairytale keeper tell us who will she sit with

Preview:

William: If you sit with me i will be sure to pamper you like a true queen

Harrison: if you sit with me i will treat you to go on a date with me and we will read a-lot of my favorite novel from Sherlock Holmes

Liam: if you seat with me i will make sure to invite you everyday to go out with me and treat you with love and i am sure you will like my stage presence

Elbert: come here y/n if you sit with me i can make sure to pamper you and spoil you everyday and i am not gonna let you go

Alfons : if you sit with me i can make sure to make your dreams come true and we will have so much fun doing stuff together and doing what we want

Roger : hey lil lady if you sit with me i will make sure to take care of your health properly and make that cute face smile everyday I might also sometimes invite you to go out with me

Jude: hey there princess if ya sit with me i promise to make you happy and treat you things that you want i can also invite you to be with me at work and i will make sure to pamper you everyday and take really good care of you

Ellis: if you sit with me i will make sure to make you happy always and i will make sure to take care of you and we could go anywhere you want to make u smile

Victor: now now if you sit with me i promise to take care of you and I’ll help you wit your reports and take you out on dates and go anywhere that you wish to go

Now which among this 9 gorgeous villians will you seat with ?!

Taglist:

@judejazza @elbertsbabygirl @archiveikemen @lilaccosmic

[calumhoodgoss]

Ugh so much shit about her has been deleted.

But I remember when she was sending screenshots of private messages between her and cal to a fan group chat. Both before they were together and after.

She would claim that every time someone had an issue with her it was because of her ‘proximity to a man’ ie:cal even before they were together instead of just owning her shit and apologizing for whatever she was called out on.

She was lesphobic and then gave a half assed reply.

She claimed that she was teaching cal to use the word ‘slore’ which is a slut shaming word and then tried to say that she didn’t even though she had that post up still 😂 obviously she’s not the brightest tool in the shed.

She also used to blackfish constantly.

She posted during the Ukraine/russia conflict that ‘war is dickriding energy’??? And then gave a half assed apology.

Her first song that she put out about him has a line talking about picking fights with him even though she knows she’s wrong and that’s like textbook abusive partner 101.

She’s also been talking about drugs a lot lately and I find that really fucking weird.

I think she’s isolated cal and made him really fucking depressed. I can’t stand her and I hope her bob looks terrible, he breaks up with her and her career flops, cause let’s face it her voice sucks too.

Sorry for the rant I’m just super annoyed right now and there is so much bad shit that she’s done that I can’t remember at the moment but I will eventually 😂

youre such a trooper for remembering all this I love you

that's all SO MESSY like where is her media literacy? I completely understand wanting to be authentic and interactive with your audience (I think thats what she thinks she's doing) but that doesn't mean you have to be a fuxking idiot publicly lolll

the line about 'I hope her bob looks terrible' made me literally laugh, that's so real i feel you

[nerves-nebula]

So I'm the eldest and I love all my siblings but god ever since I moved out my brother has been such a lil shit to our youngest- back when I lived there I was always the one to deescalate situations (in general not just my brother)- and he in general wouldn't behave that way when I'm around (i always thought its cause me and him are close but once I talked to mom about it and she says that he probably doesn't because he's scared of me... which is not great- I have to admit when the two of us were little I was a lil shit the same way he is now - I only got my shit together at 14- 15 because I realised that there had to be one responsible person in the household and it wasn't going to be our parents- also I just didn't want my siblings to hate me after I died. But since me and brother are the closest in age he remembers more of that time when I sucked than our other siblings do - so I shouldn't be surprised he is behaving similarly especially since he never had to go through the same crisis that i did at 15 (thats not even getting started on how our parents have affected all this)) but that doesnt change the fact he's being a lil bitch to my sister!

And I can't go tell him to knock it off- I have been bullied in school before I'm not dumb- a figure of authority telling a bully to stop it is just gonna make the bully be pissed that the person they're bullying snitched

Idk- he'll be moving out in 2 years so she won't have to put up with him after that but I still feel like I should fix the situation- I want to shake him and tell him "I got my shit together why can't you!" But it would be a bit rich coming from me

He seems to be at least semi aware of it- he tends to avoid people after doing shit like that- but he never apologises and that still sucks!

Tldr I'm very used to being the one responsible for fixing things in my family , but now I have moved and I can't do that and I'm very frustrated about it

Idk, I want to ask if you have any ideas but I know that would be a bit much and I already dumped so much on you- I'm very sorry about that- if you want to ignore this ask feel free to do so

i dont have any ideas, sorry. though my oldest sister might hahahh. that was more their role than mine. for what its worth i feel a similar kind of guilt about moving away cuz my little sister is stuck with mom and my oldest brother and it's frankly terrifying to think about that situation for too long.

my oldest sister has made a lot of progress reconnecting with us though through honest & emotional conversation. they've apologized for what they've done and they've worked on making sure we all don't, like, kill ourselves or something. so maybe you could start with that?

like, instead of starting out shaking his shoulders and yelling at him you just start by apologizing for the way you acted and stuff. and if you can try to segue into a level headed, non-accusatory conversation about why he shouldn't treat his sister this way.

idk i am not incredibly smart when it comes to this stuff so if that goes bad you can't blame ME cuz you're the one taking advice from a depressed art student on tumblr afasdfsdf

[gaiuskamilah]

Tell about your hcs for gaius and adrain’s relationship, and gaius and kamilah’s relationship

anon i just have to say your timing is insane. i saw this as i was thinking abt how i have so many things to say about gaiusadrian but if i said them i would be kicking a hornets nest. i feel like i will become this garfield strip if i actually open my mouth

BUT ANYWAYS. i actually suck ass at making hcs! i feel like i cant do elaborate aus or drastic character additions as some people can..but i do have a few (cw for slight nsfw, manipulation, typical stuff):

gaius had fought alongside adrian in the american revolutionary war but adrian doesn't know; gaius was providing extra support to the colonists and adrian was in the same battalion/etc. as him. that's where adrian first caught gaius' attention.

i've been playing around with the idea that gaius intentionally set up the loyalist soldier to kill eleanor, charles, and adrian so that he had a reason to sweep in and Turn adrian and manipulate adrian even more to be dependent on him.

gaius was adrian's first kiss and fuck with a man. not getting super into details but lets just say gaius knows how to dominate from below.

as for kamilah.. i have a post-bb3 au where gaius, after sometime playing monster hunter finds that his true calling is helping younger vampires build community (similar to jax - he and jax are still as hostile as ever but he has a lot of respect for jax and all he's done for vampires). in the middle of like wyoming or whatever he helps around a local vampire community, eventually becoming a permanent fixture in it. cue bumping into kamilah at a bakery or something and the two of them eventually reconnecting. i've written a bit for it so here's a part i like lol

she's only ever visited him in the sarcophagus twice - once when she was desperate and legitimately thought to bring him back and in the second she just stared at the tomb for hours in a daze. both times she goes back home in tears and depressed. those were Really Bad days.

aand i feel like thats its for my hcs and whatnot for them. with these two dynamics i feel like i work better analyzing what's already in canon than making big elaborate aus and hcs for it, and if i do it's just additions to what's kind of already been established? im very lame 😭 my current analyses for them is that theyre lowkey incestuous (esp gaius/adrian) and that adrian/kamilah/gaius and gaius/rheya are lolita nabokov but again. i feel like the locusts will come.

TYSM FOR ASKINGGG this was fun and gave me an excuse to share a bit of that g/k writing which i like a lot ^^

[violet-amet]

still on the depression boat. im sleepy so this might be my last vent tonight.

im struggling a lot with how im trying to handle myself. im fine with being average and mediocre, but i also want to do better and get better. but i suck at some things. and struggle with self expression.

i also want to write more original stories to challenge myself by doing my own thing. i love dabbling in fanfics, but i think staying comfortable in familiarity would not help me out much. but i think i also feel guilty for relying on established characters to be happy. its dumb, but thats just how i feel.

i dont mind experimenting and doing my own stuff, but there is comfort in tackling the familiar. its fun too and self indulgent. but its like having cake all the time, its not that nourishing or fulfilling to me. i dont mind it, but i need to find a balance.

ill still write fanfics ofc. it helps me get through the hard times.

i might dabble into really old ocs again from time to time, and find things out writing and story wise. i miss my goofy characters. and i also wish to explore my own sort of thing, using what i wrote so far as inspiration.

i also dont want to be a plagiarist. lmao~. but experimenting more may give me what im looking for in my stories, and maybe, i can find my own special oc again. i have a lot of them, but something more fun in a way that reminds me why i love my own ocs. why i create my stories.

like, a friend's really old oc that got me here in the first place. but i need to work this out myself, i think. it may not have the charisma as some of my current favorites, but i think it could be fun.

hm.

but i also want to please my monster fucker lover side so badly. god i wish i was creative!

[marunalu]

Hi, Im wondering if its true that shonen jump will get in trouble with their government if they make it canon? How does the jp audience feel about this whole bakudeku vs izuocha war? Just asking out of curiosity.

So to answer your ask properly I need to explain a little about the censoring of gay representation in japan. I already know, a lot of people will not like what I will write now, so let me tell you I did my research about this topic already a 3-4 years ago and talked with japanese people living in japan, non japanese people, japanese bkdk shippers, non shippers and in generell with people who know a lot about this kind of stuff. And pretty much all of them told me the very same thing: that at least 50 more years need to pass till weekly shonen jump will allow an openly gay mc in their magazine.

In japan the gay censoring is VERY strict. Its not as bad as in many other countrys, but its still not good. Not even gay marriage is allowed and if a gay couple wants to live together, one of them needs to ADOPT the other and gay people also need to fear the possebility that their familys will bann them for their sexuality out of shame - and bringing shame to the family will literally destroy your life. In media gay representation is very strictly handled and watched over by the japanese government. Homosexuality is still seen as something "unpure". Something that is not quite normal. It has become better over the years, but in generell their view still sucks.

Thats why children till a certain age are not allowed to come in contact with everything that is or seems "gay". They want their children to stay "pure". Japan also has a problem with their birthrate, because more and more woman focus on their carriers and if anything they only want one child instead of 3, how it was once the norm. So they want to make sure that at least this children "stay streight" so they will give birth to their own children one day. By their logic: less gay people means more birth of children. Japan may be a very modern country, but when it comes to this topic they are certainly not. A lot of younger people want things to change, but still not much has changed for the better.

The anime and manga industry is one of the things japan makes the most money from, because of its popularity all around the world and because they want to support their artists and their art. But this industry is also very cruel and strict. There is a reason why so many mangakas get sick over the years and suffer from depressions and anime animators are terrible underpaid for all the work they do.

Like I already wrote the censorship of homosexuality in japanese media is very strict and mangakas, animators and puplishers have to go with the rules, otherwise they can lose their jobs or their storys will never see the light of day. Thats why mangas and animes are seperated into genres and age groups so younger children or teenagers dont see things they arent supposed to see till an certain age. Jump for example has a whole magazine series and all of them puplish mangas for a different reader group, age group and genre. For example jump+ is an online magazine, directed at adult female readers and allow gay main characters (blue flag comes to mind), because this online magazine is directed at woman who love gay romance. Other example is the magazine jump square directed to readers from 16 to 21. It also allows open gay representation. For example seraph: the sexuality of the mc is open for interpretation, but the mcs best friend is openly gay and both are attrackted to each other. Now we are comming to the weekly shonen jump magazine which mha is pulished in. This magazine is directed at young boys from the age of 9-13. Yes, a lot of older readers and woman read it too, but it doesnt change the fact that this magazine is directed at younger male readers. And like I wrote earlier, the gay censoring is so strict that children till a certain age are not allowed to come in contact with it. Thats the reason why till to this day, not one of weekly shonen jumps mangas has a confirmed and openly gay mc. Its simply not allowed, so to finally answer your question: yes! Shonen jump would get into trouple if they would allow a mangaka to make his mc gay. If a mangaka wants his mc to be gay, bi etc. his manga automatical would be puplished in one of the other magazines, like jump square, because its for older readers.

What weekly shonen jump allows are hints about homosexuality which would fly over the heads of younger readers and as long as its not the mc. And most of the time gay or trans representation is not portrayed in a positive light, but for comedic relief, the characters are unlikeable or have almost no screentime. Take mha for an example, magne and tiger are both trans. But magne was not only killed off very early in the story but also was a villain - one of the bad guys. Tiger is a hero, but has almost no screentime and doesnt talk much. Has no importance to the story. Toga was confirmted to be bi by hori, but not in the manga itself but in a interview. Togas sexuality would fly over younger childrends heads, because the manga only gives hints. Also just like magne toga is a villain - a girl who killed dotzens of people and loves to drink their blood. Not very good representation of bi people. Other example from bleach: there is an character named yumichika. His sexuality was never confirmed, but its pretty obvious that he is gay. In the beginning yumichka was a very unlikeable person and while he changed for the better, a lot of people still think his beauty fetish makes him very annoying. There are two trans characters (never openly confirmed by the author, but its pretty clear) named charlotte chulhorn who is a villain and a gag character and giselle also a villain who is pretty fucked up in the head. So you see the weekly shonen jump magazine doesnt really offer good representation of gay, bi or trans characters.

So, comming to an conclusion: if horikoshi or any other mangaka would want their mc to be gay, espicially openly gay and represent as a positiv thing, their storys would have been puplished in an other manga magazine and not weekly shonen jump, because the age group this magazine is directed at simply doesnt allow it. So yes, if weekly shonen jump would be a little more open they would get into trouple with the japanese government who watches their media very closely.

To answer your question about how the japanese readers think about the bkdk and izuocha war. Honestly I dont really know, all I know is that izuocha is not as hated as many non japanese bkdk shippers claim it is. It is the most popular hetero ship together with todomomo. Gay ships like bkdk, tododeku, kiribaku are so imcredible popular mainly because of female readers. Male readers dont really care about shipping, its more of an woman thing. But from what I have been told by both japanese bkdk fans and non shippers most of them are very well aware that no gay ship has any kind of chance to end up canon. Only the really hardcore fuyoshi fangirls dont want to accept it. To most japanese shippers its also not really a question about what will be canon and what not. They ship for fun. The japanese fandom takes this whole shipping thing by far not as serious as western countrys do.

At least I want to make clear, that nothing I wrote here is my personal opinion or taste when it comes to japans censoring. Its just from what I found out during my research about the topic. I would love to have more good gay, bi, trans, pan etc. representation in shonen jump, but I just see the things from a more realistic view. The only thing bkdk or shippers in generell can hope for is that all the characters stay single in the end, so hori would let it open for interpretation.